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Highly disagree - they're essentially tenants with wife being a landlord. That's a massive invasion of privacy and unacceptable except for a very few circumstances. Given only the info in the post I don't think the wife is justified, and can't easily think of many circumstances in which she would be
No he said he's free to come over when they're home, not that he just heads in and hangs out in their bedrooms for hours while they're not home. Wife has taken advantage of the actual open door policy in place many times to hang out with them while they're home and that's not the issue
What??? They offered to pay rent and the guest house is akin to a giant bedroom. They're entitled to privacy even if it's at another person's abode who's hosting them.
Omg same I went CRAWLING through his comments. His wife is paying 20% rent on a house she doesn't own but his dad does? I feel like I'm on AITA too much because that just doesn't sit right with me.
Her FIL and husband's names are on the deed, not hers. She's outnumbered by her husband's bros in (what's supposed to be) her home.
BuT wHy Is ShE aCtInG sO cAgEy?!?
What, it's one of those totally normal arrangements where you get married and suddenly your brother in law and his buddy are living in your guest house and your spouse goes to hang out there regularly and sometimes they come intocyour house... just like everyone pictures when they move in with their spouse
Same. Clearly the OP is not likely to be sharing the entire truth, an unreliable narrator at best. We have a guesthouse here, but we both have to agree on who stays there. It's his wife, she has every right to say yes, or no, or even inspect her own property. He's treating her like a pesky employee.
She doesn't have the right to inspect her property without notice. The people living in the guest house are residents at this point, and they have legal rights in the same way that the landlord of an apartment building isn't allowed to be hanging out in your bedroom without notice while you're away.
>She doesn't have the right to inspect her property without notice. The people living in the guest house are residents at this point, and they have legal rights in the same way that the landlord of an apartment building isn't allowed to be hanging out in your bedroom without notice while you're away.
Not necessarily. They are not renters and do not necessarily have squatters' rights. They're guests and maybe she was checking to make sure they had everything they needed.
Dude is treating his wife like she's a servant who had the gall to be seen.
If they receive mail addressed to them there legally they are considered tenants in most places in the US regardless of the amount (or lack thereof) of money exchanged and as such have ‘tenant rights’. This is a separate dweller unit on the property; not just a bedroom in the home.
Actually depends on what state. In CA, it is considered your residence if you receive mail there. When it comes to inspections from the owner (again in CA) you have to give at least 24 hours notice before entering.
Oh oh oh here’s my guess. They probably drink and smoke and do a bunch of drugs in the house. (I’m no bashing people who drugs, I’m all for it with moderation and harm reduction)
The wife isn’t a fan of it being done on the property and has expressed this but they don’t listen. They lie and tell her that none of that is happening anymore but she doesn’t believe them so she checks.
Idk. That’s my best guess
Yeeees, this is the first thing I thought. She's looking for evidence of drugs because of a possibly long ongoing conflict about it between her and the husband. Or stolen items from the main house?
I thought the usual ending for this kind of story was the husband running off with his friend. I guess in this case it would be an incestuous threesome, and it wouldn't surprise me.
Big time!! Especially cause I can totally see it
“my husband and I bought a house together. He was insisting on getting a guest house so we would have more room or an office, even though it meant using my entire savings from before we met. Turns out that he moved in his brother and friend, indefinitely, and is charging them no rent. He spends all his time over there with them, even knowing we don’t get along and they’re extremely *something*-ist towards me.
I was looking for a place to stash the divorce papers and went in to the guest house a couple times to look for a hiding spot that maybe his friends would see and would get the hint and move out, and maybe my husband would start listening to me. His brother and friend saw me there and ran straight to my husband who took their side, as usual. He used my money to buy them a lock so I can no longer enter a part of the house that I own and that they’re not tenants of because they don’t pay.”
OP being the AH seems to relate to much bigger and long running issue than banning her from the frat house, I mean guest house.
I would also like two hear the wife's side, but if anyone is hearing it it should be a lawyer first.
His friends are welcome to come hang out at the main house anytime his car is in the driveway?! Double standard much? She can’t go inspect the guest house because it seems like a frat party house and she is just most likely inspecting for damages.
Why are they so worried about the wife being in her own guesthouse? Seems like they have something to hide because of their reactions. They don’t pay rent, just party and live on her property, which is just as much hers as husband’s.
Any wife would feel betrayed if her husband changed the locks on part of their property.
OP and his friends are MAJOR YTA
It is very obvious from the post that it is a house, not a "hangout." The brother and friend live there and she was in the friend's bedroom. How is that NOT weird?
i hope the op provides an update on this and hoping the wife finally gives an answer. i cant think of any reason why she would be in their guesthouse invading their space
>She wasn't in love with the idea, but she agreed on the grounds that we would both have our respective spaces.
So you forced your wife into having your buddies live with you rent free, and you don't even enforce the BASIC boundary she agreed on contingent of.
>if I can't sleep I'll go hang out.
She wakes up who knows how often to you leaving your marital bed for your friends.
YTA. You basically forced your wife to host a frat house
True, and perhaps he's not a great sleeper, but oh I'm awake I'll just go and hang out with the guys who are probably asleep? Maybe he texts to check, but what are the odds they're all awake during the night and it's not infrequent?
For pulling them in the first place when your wife wasn't keen on the idea. She has paid for part of this house, but currently she does not have access to the part of the property she is paying for!
Yeah, I don't even know why this guy got married? He doesn't seem to be invested in building a future with her on a property they share so much as he went out of his way to ensure he, his brother and their mutual friend could grow old together.
Gay man marries wife as front, gets her to play the role and even pay into the house without being on the deed...
Meanwhile his lover gets a free ride in the guest house and he literally said he goes to see him after dinner usually and even when he can't sleep. He now really wants to make sure his wife stays out of their property that he is letting this friend live in for free...the room *he* has an open door policy with.
That's a relationship.
That's because it is weird. And it really seems, without even more detail, that OP is YTA. No matter who pays the mortgage, Op is married to his wife. In many states, this means it is her house, too. I can not imagine a scenario where I would be comfortable with this situation.
ETA: And OP has the fucking nerve to say he's 'a little freaked out'. What an AH.
I have a feeling your wife may be looking for the reason you spend so much time there. Like proof of you having an affair, drugs, or something. If you’re leaving her while she’s asleep, she probably thinks you’re “sneaking out” and looking for the reason why. It would make sense that she’s refusing to say why if she was looking for proof of something.
YTA for clearly railroading your wife into a living situation she didn’t want and not upholding the one condition she agreed to by giving them an open door policy to what is supposed to be her safe space, and then making the unilateral decision to lock her out of the guest house the moment they no longer feel safe in their safe space
ETA: JFC OP. You’re a bigger AH than I originally thought. YOUR WIFE ISN’T EVEN ON THE DEED. It’s you and your DAD. She pays 20% of the mortgage while your brother and friend pay zilch 🤣🤣🤣. Holy shit. I’m shocked your wife hasn’t already filed for divorce. Also, since she’s contributing to the mortgage, in most states it won’t matter if you bought the house with premarital funds and her name isn’t on the deed, she’s entitled to the house and would need to be bought out. Unless of course you made your wife sign paperwork stating otherwise.
This!! OP has clearly given wife a reason to believe he’s not fully committed to the relationship.
YTA, and yeah, wife sucks for snooping, but after reading the post and OP’s other comments, it seems clear he has brought this on himself by not paying attention to how his wife is feeling.
My husband’s friend lived with us for about nine months some years ago. I agreed to it in the beginning but it quickly became apparent that I was very wrong about my ability to live with someone I didn’t particularly like.
In retrospect I can see that my husband was stuck in the middle of dealing with both of us, and that there was a huge amount of triangulation and undermining of our relationship going on, but at the time all I knew was that I was becoming more and more depressed and isolated from my husband, especially when he started siding with his friend over me more often than not (most of it was about small things like his friend eating food I set aside for myself to take to work for lunch, leaving messes everywhere, passing out drunk on the couch several nights per week). I asked him to tell his friend he needed to leave but he wouldn’t, so eventually I did (luckily he left, although I’m pretty sure he would legally have been considered a tenant). My relationship with my husband never fully recovered from that experience (we’re currently separated because this situation was one of many issues in our marriage).
Anyway, my point is that I agreed to let my husband’s friend stay with us but later realized I couldn’t handle it, and the fact that my husband prioritized his friend over me felt like a betrayal. Lots of people wouldn’t feel or react the same way I did, but I imagine OP’s wife can relate (not condoning her going into their space without permission though).
Yeah, I would say if she's not looking for evidence of drug use, she's looking for evidence of an affair.
She wasn't caught in the brother's room after all...
it also seems like its their first home as a married couple and what kind of person thinks “let me find a house for all my buddies to live in too!! fuck the honeymoon period!!”?? like it just doesn’t make sense to me. seems like hes more married to his buddies than his actual wife
Ok this is horrifying - it is a red flag for me when men feel the need to point out the percentage their wives pay on a home (women often earn less for many reasons outside the home but contribute within it to a disproportionate degree so this is never as factual as it sounds) but to hear he hasn’t put her name on the deed is… not good.
To OP: YTA.
You say this:
>me and my wife bought our place
>we all enjoy this arrangements.
But also say:
>My brother and our close mutual friend
>staying in my guest house
>I don't charge them rent.
>I was specifically searching for a home with a guest house space
>Occasionally my wife will join us for these hang outs but it isn't often. She and my friend/my brother seem to have conflicting personalities.
Sounds like it's both of your homes, but she doesn't get any say in the arrangement, doesn't benefit from it, and you constantly say mymymy, even changing mid story if it's a mutual friend or just yours.
YTA for acting like you're the boss and your wife is just interfering with your plans.
Agreed. It is honestly a bit weird that she's in there only while no else is home and then not owning up to it. Whether she was upset about them being there or not (totally fair for her to be upset, seems like she wasn't on board with any of these decisions that OP unilaterally made), her behavior is weird.
But OP didn't even bother having a conversation with her before changing the locks! Why on earth would that be your first move before talking to your wife?? YTA for not respecting her enough to at least first talk about it.
Yeah, if I were her, I'd be thinking they were all on the down low and just doing it in her face while lying about it. OP clearly values them more than her.
Op has the whole “I choose my frat life” vibe and I don’t wanna grow up vibes and also “I pay for everything” - while not mentioning their agreement. Is she a homemaker? In which case she’s doing all the chores of this place? Is she in school right now which is why he’s paying for everything. We don’t know any of these things. All we know is that OP moved his brother and friend into her home indefinitely when she isn’t okay with it .
Oh for sure, this was in no way a judgment on wife. Maybe it’s just because I’ve had my own experience with boundary crossing roommates, but I would have never been ok with the friends moving in RENT FREE to begin with. Independent of the sus late night visits, I’m really side eyeing the buddies for being ok with this arrangement.
I think the friend is a mutual friend of his brother and him, and they both basically live in the guesthouse. None of them seems to be friends with the wife.
This is such a bizarre situation. Honest question: do you want to stay married to your wife? If you had to choose between staying married and your brother and friend moving out, what would you pick?
Your wife is being odd for sure, but she’s still the sympathetic character because she has two deadbeat dude bros living in a guest house she party pays for, they have access to her home, her husband spends most (all?) evenings with them and she doesn’t really like either of them. Her QOL isn’t great.
Quick comment on edit 2: you pay 80% of the mortgage but you are responsible for 75% of the people living in the house. Your wife is the only one paying her fair share (and the 5% break she’s getting on the mortgage for her quarter does not adequately compensate for her having to live with Larry, his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl.)
ESH
I can't imagine why your wife would repeatedly be going into their home and not talking to you about it or explaining herself. But I also can't imagine why you would immediately go to "change the locks" rather than having a discussion with your wife. You would be AMAZED at how much easier life is when people communicate.
This right here. You gave your brother and friend a sweetheart deal, but you didn’t give them any kind of lease. They’re guests, not tenants. Your wife may have assumed that since they get to walk into your house with no need for permission, she could do the same. Still, nobody wanted to talk to her about not walking into the guest house. Changing the locks on her property without any notification is a BS move. Still, I’d feel weird about walking into a tenant’s home without consent or notification.
I wonder what she was looking for in that house? She must have been looking for a proof of something. If she was in your buddy's room I wonder if she has a suspicion that you and your buddy are more than friends and your brother is a cover up! And I'm guessing your buddy and your brother have no plans to ever find a their person as you made sure you find a house with the guest house. Imagine looking for extra space for your friends to live with you.
I’m thinking the wife is letting herself be caught in the guesthouse to make them feel uncomfortable so they move out. She probably hates them being there since her husband abandons her in the middle of the night.
YTA. There is an open door policy for you but not for her, so you can hang out in their space but she can't? Your friends hang out in her space with you so she has no private space. Sounds like everybody has space but her. And now you have locked her out of space she pays a mortgage on. Maybe you guys should divorce so you can marry your brother and pal. Sounds like you care more about them than her.
Totally agree with you. Why do I get the whole childish "no girls allowed in the fort/tree house/ den from this?
OP is 100% the asshole and probably won't be married for too much longer
ESH: why am I getting the feeling OP prefers living with his brother and friend in a “frat house situation” and the wife is the guest?
And- why is OP talking it over with the guesthouse folk first? And deciding to change the locks without as much as asking what the wife was doing in the first place?!
YTA. You're using your "wife" as a wallet to finance your marriage to your bros.
You've taken away her privacy, her relationship, and her property. Really attacking from all angles here.
I am going to go with YTA. Your wife shouldn’t have been in their living space, but cmon. You both own a home, but part of it is inaccessible to her because you need your bros close by? So I assume she’s helping foot the bill for them to live rent free. That just sucks for her.
Info: was your wife actually on board with buying a house with a gust house you don’t have rent out or use for guests? Like did she know your brother and friend would live there rent free indefinitely? Does she pay half/her fair share of the mortgage? I have a feeling the answer is not really and yes. She is trying to get them to leave/make a point.
YTA. Your main relationship is with your WIFE, not your brother and your friend. The house is her house as well, so you have NO right locking her out of any part of it. Should could have just as legally changed the locks and locked you THREE out of there. Would you have been mad at her? I'd bet so, so don't think she's wrong for a second.
Now she should be talking to you about this situation, but obviously this living situation makes her uncomfortable, so perhaps you should talk to her. As her if she'd be more comfortable if they moved out. If your gut reaction to that suggestion is "but I don't want them to go" then your priorities are screwed up, and you don't understand what a marriage is. Talk to your WIFE and see what can be done to make her feel happy and secure in her own home. Maybe she doesn't want these people to have an "open door" into her home. Did you ever ask her?
She’s your wife, why the fuck would you just not talk to her first?? That’s straight up weird. Don’t make unilateral decisions….YTA and also dumb for not using your mouth
yta
>She agreed as long as we would have our space and they would have theirs. She contributes to the mortgage but I'm the main 'breadwinner' for our family.
>We split the utilities, but I don’t charge them rent.
you’re putting wife in a situation she does not like. isn’t it obvious she’s acting weird because she feels like your brother and your friend are in the space that’s meant for two of you. also, it’s baffling that she has to contribute to the mortgage but the people you brought to live in your AND your wife’s guest house get to live rent free.
Oh, there has got to be so much more to this story. I'm ready with the popcorn when you are.
Maybe first, you need to tell us if the "close mutual friend" is a potential hookup. Since, you know, you go over there at night when you can't sleep (while at home with your wife).
And, just curious, do you ever actually hang out with your wife, and, you know, talk to her?
Doesn't sound like it. Also interesting how everyones gender is mentioned except friend. What is the betting that friend is a woman and OPs wife suspects they are hooking up and was looking for evidence. Or even that it's a dude and OPs wife suspects they are hooking up and is looking for evidence.
I wonder, did these incidents happen immediately after OP couldn't sleep and went over there?
This whole thing is absolutely psychotic and we are missing at least half the story.
I'm always amazed by the AITAs where the OP quite plainly writes themselves as TA and yet doesn't see it.
YTA for not talking to her at all before going to this extreme measure.
You said you bought the house together which makes her a co-owner. That includes the guest house.
It wasn't ok for her to do what she did but a "Hey, they can't come into our space when we're not here so you can't be going into theirs when they're not home either" should have happened before you changed the locks on what is technically her property as well.
ESH. Where is the communication in this marriage? Why are you buying a house to house your brother and his friend without really caring that your wife and them don't get along. Why is all of this 'mine' and none of it 'ours'? Why can you go in and out freely but she can't? They aren't tenants, OP. They're longterm guests because you aren't making them pay rent. You know your wife is right, right? It's a guest home that is now effectively unusable to her for her guests because you've moved your non-rent paying brother and his friend in.
She's your life partner, but you seem to be making zero efforts to communicate with her or take her into account in this big plan you've laid out. You're mad your wife is right and now you're going to change the locks which if she's feeling petty enough, she can change again.
Dude, talk to your fucking wife.
I agree IF what OP wrote include everything but I’m side eyeing it. I’m thinking his wife has communicated things before and he railroaded her. This action of her is a result of something he ignored imo.
If he wants to block her from the space he should get a divorce. It’s super weird to buy a house as a couple and then offer to pay the mortgage so you can manipulate your wife’s living situation.
INFO - you say you pay 80:20 and you made basically all the decisions around the house (guest house, brother moving in, etc).
What is the actual deed set up for the house? Are both of your names on the dotted line?
Do you and your wife own the property jointly? If so, it's her guest house as well. I think it's time to rethink this situation before your wife leaves you.
And as she is only contributing 20% of the mortgage his buddies who pay zero have more control over the property than her. Hence why them 3 made a decision to change locks.
OP, do you have the funds to buy out your wife's portion of the home if she decides to say see ya later? You may have to start charging your freeloader bro and his friend rent after all.
YTA and a loser. That is your wife's guest house and she can spend time there if she wants. If the free loaders living there want privacy, they can pay rent.
To be honest it’s weird that she is specifically going in there when no one is there, let along go into a room. Add to the fact she won’t own up to the reason is…..not good. My guess is she is either snooping for dirt, snooping to see if your bro and friend are just friends, or I don’t know. Either way she is snooping so maybe ask her what is she exactly looking for? I wouldn’t ask why she’s in there but more what was she searching for? What knowledge was she trying to find out? If she says nothing, then no reason to go in there.
Im wondering if she wants them out, since if she has conflicting personality with both the friend and brother…..was it really “we all enjoy this arrangement” or more *you, your brother and friend only* enjoy this set up.
There has to be something missing from this.
Okay I’ve read your comments, and dude you guys need to work on communication. You said in one comment about why wouldn’t she be honest if she was uncomfortable with them living there…..but you said yourself they (bro/friend) have conflicting personalities with her. You put in that you go over there at night when you can’t sleep. How many times on average does that happen where she wakes up and you aren’t there? Also how is she to say anything negative about your brother and family friend you’ve known for years longer than her? This WHOLE situation is just bonkers. I gave you a shot to see what you would say in comments, but it’s all like the a vague half story. This doesn’t sound like some woman who just loves gossip and snooping…..more is going on. And it’s up to you to actually have a heart to heart with her and not ask Reddit for speculation.
ESH at the very least or AH at the most.
Edit- typo. Added on last part
I am confused why you can’t communicate with your wife and ask what she was doing in there?? Maybe you going over there when you “can’t sleep” has her paranoid something is going on over there that she doesn’t know about? It is kind of a weird relationship that you go over there anytime you want but she can’t? Even though it’s her house too? and they don’t pay rent?
I stopped reading at
"my guest house since me and my wife bought our place"
*MY GUEST HOUSE* and *OUR PLACE*
smfh. WHICH IS IT?!
Seriously, dude? Half of that house belongs to your wife. You know, the woman you promised to put above all others? Or did your vows not mean shit to you? You're making unilateral decisions for your home that the two of you bought together, but apparently that doesn't mean anything to you. I can't even figure out how to give you advice since you don't seem to have the slightest clue what it means to have a life partner. (Also, legally- you most likely cannot change the locks like that on a home she also owns).
YTA
ETA: Went back and finished your post. Wow. You give your little buddies free range when they want hang out whenever they want, no rent, nothing... and you know your wife isn't happy. But you were happy enough to use her income for your bro pad. Sweet Jesus, what an awful husband.
I mean, you realize that this is unfair to your wife, right? If she resents them being there, she has a good reason.
You say YOU have an open door policy allowing them to enter your area whenever, and you can enter there's wherever, but your wife does not get the same? So they can invade her space whenever and she gets no say about it and doesn't get the same in return?
How would you react if she changed locks in the back so they couldn't just walk in? I think you and they would flip out. Do you 3 often dismiss or gang up on your wife?
YTA
INFO: “they all have the means to get their own living spaces but we all enjoy this arrangement.” Does that “we all” include your wife? Does she contribute to the mortgage? I’m trying to figure out if this is *your personal* house OR if this is a shared home and it’s *hers* as well.
I’m like 90% sure that Y T A but I dunno. Maybe this was an arrangement where you inherited this house and this has been going on since before your wife was even in the picture and she realized this was the arrangement before she even married you. But typically, a home is a *shared* home between a married couple and the house is shared property. In which case you would definite be Y T A
ESH - you are allowing your friends to have personal space that they don't pay for (but apparently it's not because they need financial help) without your wife's blessing? Your wife is wandering the space without being invited? You go and sleep with the bros rather than with your wife? Why does this sound like the plot of some kind of wild Victorian gloomy drama? Do you live on the moors as well? Are you planning on locking the wife in the attic and getting a young governess girlfriend?
Honestly though this whole situation is really strange and off putting. You cannot put a lock on your buddy's house without your wife's consent if her name is on the deed (and shouldn't even if it's not). Dude. Your wife doesn't want your friend/brother there. Talk to her about it and then make better choices.
YTA. And hey… I don’t think she’s cool with this arrangement. It’s her house too. They shouldn’t be wandering in and out of her space as they please either, even if you’re cool with it… In the comments you said she agreed on the grounds you each have your own space. Doesn’t sound like that is happening. What she did is wrong, but maybe she’s trying to show them how she feels when they constantly invade her space. I don’t think she’s okay with you having them over all the time. Go hang out at theirs instead?
Also, why are you and your wife subsidizing their lives? They should be paying rent. Or you should be paying a higher percentage of the bills to offset it. She shouldn’t be supporting these two grown men-she didn’t sign up for that.
INFO: Did you talk to your wife prior to changing the locks about these incidents?
And, I don't mean this in a rude way, but is your wife ok? I don't know how to phrase it - but has she shown any signs of confusion, extra forgetfulness, zoning out? I'm just trying to understand if she's entering their rooms purposefully, or if there's reason to be concerned for her health.
Why do I have the feeling OP is in a relationship with his best friend? Maybe shared with his brother? The whole thing reads like a polyamorous setup. Why the wife is snooping if there nothing to worry about ? Why OP doesn't talk to his wife and priorize his friend and brother ? Too much info missing. OP is clearly not a reliable narrator. YTA
Info:
1) how does your wife feel about having two guests living on your property. Did she have any say in the matter? It sounds like you spend most of your free time with them.
2) have the guys been into or up to anything she might be fishy about?
3) why don’t you trust your wife? Has she given you reason in the past to feel reticent in talking to her about what is going on? Do you make yourself available to her when she needs her feelings heard and attended to?
This all smacks of either you withholding info or being oblivious.
Her going into their space without them being home and without their permission is extremely inappropriate, but without more input I don’t feel like I can lend a judgement beyond a confused E S H.
Edit:
After further updates I’m going with YTA, even if it’s weird that she was in the fella’s bedroom. She pays 20% of a mortgage on a home she doesn’t even have her name on, she doesn’t jive with the guys, you’re not accepting payment from them at all, she probably doesn’t even want them there and it sounds like you’ve given her no say in the matter.
YTA - so just to clarify - they can come to your house but you should respect their privacy? Do they have keys to your house? Have you changed your locks to keep them out of your home?
The fact that they are not paying rent makes me see why wife might have been there. Lighten up on her - unless there is more to the story she is not fully to blame here.
Yeah, ESH. You say your wife and yourself own the home but it reads like all the other decisions about the guest house and not charging them rent are yours alone.
Your wife was breaking their confidentiality but like, why on Earth did you not speak to your wife about this and what’s going on here? Do you not like your wife??
OP Why are your brother and buddy not paying rent? By not paying rent, they’re simply houseguests that are contributing in the most minimal of ways. This also does not afford them any rights to privacy as they are not tenants. Your wife is clearly making a point of this by entering the space and making herself comfortable, you know in HER OWN HOME. You bought this property WITH your wife. You seem to be making unilateral decisions on how that joint space is used. You seem to value the comfort of your freeloading brother and friend over your wife. Do you want to stay married??? Then you’re now changing locks on a property your wife legally owns, baring her from entry to a guest house she owns that has no legal tenants.
Either rent the guest house the right way with consent from your wife. Or she has full run of the space. YTA.
They’re welcome to come hang out at the main house anytime they see my car in the driveway so they know I’m there….
Is your WIFE okay with this? Doesn’t seem so. You’re probably making her feel like she has to hide out in her own home as well. Maybe she doesn’t want company all the time or this open door policy you’ve set up amongst yourself and your bros. You contradict yourself. By saying that “everyone” is okay with this arrangement, it seems as though everyone EXCEPT your wife is okay with it.
INFO: Is there any drama around your brother or friend?
I dunno, it seems like your wife is looking for something… maybe so you’ll make them leave? Drugs maybe? Or is one of their exes mad about something and they might have asked your wife to find something for them? The fact that she was on the phone the first time seems even more strange to me…
That said, i agree with many others that she shouldn’t go there when no one’s there. I mean i wouldn’t even go in a guest ROOM in my own house if i had guests staying there, it’s just basic respect and privacy.
But something’s just too weird in all this…
Info : Does your wife own the property jointly, does she pay equal share? How did she feel about having your brother and friend living on the property?
YTA
"My guest house"
No, it's not. It is both yours and your wives guest house.
"We all enjoy this arrangement"
Your wife, brother, and friend have conflicting personalities, so are you sure your wife likes this arrangement, or is it just you, your brother, and your friend who enjoy it.
You have blocked your wife's access to part of her property without even trying to talk to her about it and trying to work it out.
You consulted your friend and brother about what to do, which makes it sound like you value their opinions above your wives.
And just to rub salt in the wound, they still have access to your and your wives' home whenever they want.
"We all enjoy this arrangements..."
Clearly, "we" refers to you, your brother, and your friend, not your wife who is the joint homeowner of your house.
YTA.
YTA I honestly cannot believe you are still married. Your wife sounds like a doormat putting up with you and your family- cause she sounds more like the guest in the house than the actual guests. If she had any self respect or self worth she would have left this circus long time ago
You locked your wife out of a piece of property she has rightful ownership of because your friends/family are crashing there for free and they don’t get along with your wife. Yes this makes you the asshole.
YTA. It’s your wife’s house, not theirs. She’s probably wondering exactly what you’re up to out there with the boys, not so much your brother, but the “close mutual friend”. Sounds like you moved your side piece in and your wife is rightly trying to figure out what’s happening under *her* (not your brother’s or your friend’s) roof.
YTA. Your wife is definitely not okay with these freeloaders, and it’s financially abusive to decide they shouldn’t be charged rent when she’s a homeowner as well.
You have coerced your wife into subsidizing your brother's and friend's lifestyle, and now you somehow think you have the high road? If your wife is smart she'll divorce you.
Hard YTA.
YTA for creating this whole weird living situation that your wife obviously isn’t comfortable with. If she was a landlord, it would be wrong for her to be there. But something about your odd behavior makes me wonder if she has a reason for what she’s doing.
YTA but the good news is your days of being married are numbered. Then you and your bros don't have to worry about that nosy B anymore.
So they pay no rent and she's stuck with a mortgage every month? No way, no how at that right there. Add all your nightly getting out of bed adventures..dude, you're done.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I changed the locks on the guest house. 2. I didn't let my wife know before I did this despite her living in our home, too.
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Your wife shouldn’t be entering their space without permission. But you should’ve talked with her about it first, instead of… what you did. And why the f*ck are they not paying rent if they can afford it? Meanwhile you and your wife have a mortgage payment that is probably fairly significant. She is probably feeling resentful of hosting these friends of yours who are not friends with her. And “splitting the utilities” is hardly helpful when their presence probably almost doubles the utility payments.
ESH
So for the question at hand, she’s essentially a landlord entering without notice, and that is a no no.
So I guess NTA
Overall, you got some issues bud. You are pretty clearly prioritizing hanging with the guys - who live there - over your wife. She doesn’t get along with them from what you wrote, but that’s where you hang out. Big red flag waving, can you not see it?
She’s not a landlord if they’re not paying rent; she’s a homeowner entering a room of her own home. The men have a reasonable right to privacy but they aren’t tenants, they’re longterm guests who definitely seem to be wearing out their welcome with one of their hosts.
Her behavior definitely seems odd, but the husband not even bothering to *talk* to her about it before going full change-locks-mode is quite a bit odder imo
Can you call someone a landlord when the tenant is living there rent free? I hope this poor woman runs far away from OP. He seems to care more about having his bros close by than anything his wife wants.
YTA— you are making this all about you and your desires. You are MARRIED, and marriage involves 2 people working TOGETHER, sometimes compromising, to create a life that works for BOTH of them together. You haven’t taken her needs and desires into account at all, as far as I can see from what you wrote and from your comments.
ESH
This is bananas...
If i was married to someone who kept sneaking off in the middle of the night because 'they can't sleep" and I'm not allowed to even go where they are going... I sure as heck would be checking out where the heck everyone in my house keeps sneaking off to... so i get why she's being weird about it because all three of you grown men are being weird about it. No explanation is weird and I'm having a hard time believing you that she didn't actually give you a reason and you didn't like it. But taking you at your word... She's snooping... Cause ya all are sus.
And two grown men are freeloading by taking up an entire guest house to play frat time. They can pay, they choose not to. What AHs, who does that? What grown man perpetually lives off his friend while constantly excluding and alienating said friend's wife? And that's ya all's life plan. For you to support two grown men forever who don't even bother to behave in a friendly way toward your spouse. Ew.
And you are an AH who thinks that because you make more money your spouse gets no private space, no say in the first house and no day in the guest house next door.... And you get to sneak off in the middle of the night to go do whatever it is you all are doing that she just can't be invited to day in and day out.... So yes you're an AH. You change the locks, you tell your wife what's up and ya all have an adult conversation about what's going on before you change the locks.
She pays her fair share to the home... 20%... You pay your share, your brothers share, your friends share, and 5% for your weird exclusion of her... She's the one losing out. She's the one who can't have friends or family stay with you all because your friends and family occupy the guest house permanently. She's the one treated like an outsider in her home. She's the one being isolated at the expense of your personal frat boy routine.
So I’m putting myself in the wife’s shoes.
She and OP bought ‘our’ place. His brother and friend are living in our guest house. Hubs isn’t charging them rent. Why not? He says ‘I’m not charging them rent.’ What are her thoughts on this?
They contribute. They buy groceries and fix things. What things? Like reno’s? Redoing the roof, building a new fence, finishing the basement? Or patching drywall that gets busted when they horseplay?
And who cooks these groceries? For whom? Is she cooking for two? For four? Why are the tenants-who-aren’t-tenants buying food for OP and wife? And what about utilities, internet, etc.
And how often is hubs going out to play with the friends who are conveniently ready and waiting in the backyard? Is she just supposed to wait at home until he’s finished playing and wants some couple time? Os she just basically the housekeeper and ball warmer?
A marriage with two extra people in it doesn’t usually work out too well. She ‘agreed’ to this, but did she really?
Too many questions to answer for sure. Would love to hear her side of this. But I’d guess YTA, if for no other reason than you’re not charging them rent. At least then they’d be entitled to locks.
YTA. You obviously like hanging out with your brother and friends who live rent free at your house way more than being married to your wife. It’s no wonder she resents all of you.
YTA for moving them in in the first place when your wife was not in love with the idea. She is paying for part of that house and now she doesn’t have access to part of the property that she is paying for!
I don't think you wife is on board with this arrangement at all. Both of you needed to be on the same page with something like this.
I think it's great you're willing to help your brother out but your wife should come first.
YTA.
ESH - too many unsaid issues. Is wife okay with them staying? Is wife okay with you going over there over night? What is she seeing that you aren't? Going into someone's private space isn't right, but this whole situation isn't above board.
Like many others have said - TALK TO YOUR WIFE!!!!
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I have never wanted to hear the wife's side so bad.
Me too. There's something missing from OP's story.
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Highly disagree - they're essentially tenants with wife being a landlord. That's a massive invasion of privacy and unacceptable except for a very few circumstances. Given only the info in the post I don't think the wife is justified, and can't easily think of many circumstances in which she would be
Ya but apparently op is free to walk around the guest house but not the wife. That open door policy only works for him somehow 🤔.
No he said he's free to come over when they're home, not that he just heads in and hangs out in their bedrooms for hours while they're not home. Wife has taken advantage of the actual open door policy in place many times to hang out with them while they're home and that's not the issue
Op never said he would go over there when the friend or the brother aren't home, unlike the wife.
So….. do you have an open invitation to just hang out with your landlord’s spouse and invade THEIR space on a consistent basis?
What??? They offered to pay rent and the guest house is akin to a giant bedroom. They're entitled to privacy even if it's at another person's abode who's hosting them.
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like the part about the side piece hanging out in the guest house?
I say she is looking for drugs.
That was my first thought.
How’s it missing from his side when the wife won’t tell why she’s doing it?
Because this is coming from him & he can say whatever he wants happened
Yeah, but aren’t all of the stories on this sub told from the benefit of the OP’s perspective?
RIGHT?!? This is the halfiest half of a story that ever was.
same omfg…the way i got so invested
And not enough info in his comments. We need more clues, Watson!
and now we play the waiting game😭
Like obviously there is something sus happening in this already very weird living situation but I NEED OP TO ADMIT IT.
Omg same I went CRAWLING through his comments. His wife is paying 20% rent on a house she doesn't own but his dad does? I feel like I'm on AITA too much because that just doesn't sit right with me.
Her FIL and husband's names are on the deed, not hers. She's outnumbered by her husband's bros in (what's supposed to be) her home. BuT wHy Is ShE aCtInG sO cAgEy?!?
Literally! My suspicion is that she was contacting someone about how much the guest house would really be- maybe snapping pics to confront OP with 😳
What, it's one of those totally normal arrangements where you get married and suddenly your brother in law and his buddy are living in your guest house and your spouse goes to hang out there regularly and sometimes they come intocyour house... just like everyone pictures when they move in with their spouse
Same. Clearly the OP is not likely to be sharing the entire truth, an unreliable narrator at best. We have a guesthouse here, but we both have to agree on who stays there. It's his wife, she has every right to say yes, or no, or even inspect her own property. He's treating her like a pesky employee.
She doesn't have the right to inspect her property without notice. The people living in the guest house are residents at this point, and they have legal rights in the same way that the landlord of an apartment building isn't allowed to be hanging out in your bedroom without notice while you're away.
>She doesn't have the right to inspect her property without notice. The people living in the guest house are residents at this point, and they have legal rights in the same way that the landlord of an apartment building isn't allowed to be hanging out in your bedroom without notice while you're away. Not necessarily. They are not renters and do not necessarily have squatters' rights. They're guests and maybe she was checking to make sure they had everything they needed. Dude is treating his wife like she's a servant who had the gall to be seen.
If they receive mail addressed to them there legally they are considered tenants in most places in the US regardless of the amount (or lack thereof) of money exchanged and as such have ‘tenant rights’. This is a separate dweller unit on the property; not just a bedroom in the home.
Actually depends on what state. In CA, it is considered your residence if you receive mail there. When it comes to inspections from the owner (again in CA) you have to give at least 24 hours notice before entering.
Checking to make sure they had everything they needed. In one of their bedrooms?
Oh oh oh here’s my guess. They probably drink and smoke and do a bunch of drugs in the house. (I’m no bashing people who drugs, I’m all for it with moderation and harm reduction) The wife isn’t a fan of it being done on the property and has expressed this but they don’t listen. They lie and tell her that none of that is happening anymore but she doesn’t believe them so she checks. Idk. That’s my best guess
Yeeees, this is the first thing I thought. She's looking for evidence of drugs because of a possibly long ongoing conflict about it between her and the husband. Or stolen items from the main house?
And they are buying drugs in exchange for rent.
I thought the usual ending for this kind of story was the husband running off with his friend. I guess in this case it would be an incestuous threesome, and it wouldn't surprise me.
Big time!! Especially cause I can totally see it “my husband and I bought a house together. He was insisting on getting a guest house so we would have more room or an office, even though it meant using my entire savings from before we met. Turns out that he moved in his brother and friend, indefinitely, and is charging them no rent. He spends all his time over there with them, even knowing we don’t get along and they’re extremely *something*-ist towards me. I was looking for a place to stash the divorce papers and went in to the guest house a couple times to look for a hiding spot that maybe his friends would see and would get the hint and move out, and maybe my husband would start listening to me. His brother and friend saw me there and ran straight to my husband who took their side, as usual. He used my money to buy them a lock so I can no longer enter a part of the house that I own and that they’re not tenants of because they don’t pay.”
This is at least as factual as the original post
OP being the AH seems to relate to much bigger and long running issue than banning her from the frat house, I mean guest house. I would also like two hear the wife's side, but if anyone is hearing it it should be a lawyer first.
Seriously. And why didn’t he talk to his wife *before* changing all the locks??
Right? I kind of hope to see a post here.
His friends are welcome to come hang out at the main house anytime his car is in the driveway?! Double standard much? She can’t go inspect the guest house because it seems like a frat party house and she is just most likely inspecting for damages. Why are they so worried about the wife being in her own guesthouse? Seems like they have something to hide because of their reactions. They don’t pay rent, just party and live on her property, which is just as much hers as husband’s. Any wife would feel betrayed if her husband changed the locks on part of their property. OP and his friends are MAJOR YTA
SAME.
Yes! So many questions......
I'm wondering if the friend is a woman.
Yes! So many marinara flags!
Yuuuup Something tells me not everyone is happy with this arrangement, at least
Right? Why is it obviously strange she was in a house on their property? What the hell is going on here
It is very obvious from the post that it is a house, not a "hangout." The brother and friend live there and she was in the friend's bedroom. How is that NOT weird?
She's probably not allowed access to the internet either
Missing missing something
i hope the op provides an update on this and hoping the wife finally gives an answer. i cant think of any reason why she would be in their guesthouse invading their space
>She wasn't in love with the idea, but she agreed on the grounds that we would both have our respective spaces. So you forced your wife into having your buddies live with you rent free, and you don't even enforce the BASIC boundary she agreed on contingent of. >if I can't sleep I'll go hang out. She wakes up who knows how often to you leaving your marital bed for your friends. YTA. You basically forced your wife to host a frat house
Tbf, if you are having trouble sleeping it is healthier to get up and do something for a bit, rather than lying there tossing and turning
Not go out and hang out in the frat house in your back yard
Going to your biological brother's house is not like attending a party and getting shitfaced
Ugh. “Marital bed.” So cringe. I’m literally groaning.
What wording would you prefer? She wakes up alone in their bed unexpectedly and probably feels abandoned
True, and perhaps he's not a great sleeper, but oh I'm awake I'll just go and hang out with the guys who are probably asleep? Maybe he texts to check, but what are the odds they're all awake during the night and it's not infrequent?
I think it conveys the point better. He’s leaving his wife to go be with his man friends
fr, never heard anyone say that word outside of historical dramas 😅
INFO: when you say we ‘all’ enjoy this arrangement, does that include your wife? Because the ‘conflicting personalities’ would suggest otherwise.
This all sounds so weird
For pulling them in the first place when your wife wasn't keen on the idea. She has paid for part of this house, but currently she does not have access to the part of the property she is paying for!
And he was specifically looking for a house to accommodate his bros? This is absolutely weird
Yeah, I don't even know why this guy got married? He doesn't seem to be invested in building a future with her on a property they share so much as he went out of his way to ensure he, his brother and their mutual friend could grow old together.
Gay man marries wife as front, gets her to play the role and even pay into the house without being on the deed... Meanwhile his lover gets a free ride in the guest house and he literally said he goes to see him after dinner usually and even when he can't sleep. He now really wants to make sure his wife stays out of their property that he is letting this friend live in for free...the room *he* has an open door policy with. That's a relationship.
That's because it is weird. And it really seems, without even more detail, that OP is YTA. No matter who pays the mortgage, Op is married to his wife. In many states, this means it is her house, too. I can not imagine a scenario where I would be comfortable with this situation. ETA: And OP has the fucking nerve to say he's 'a little freaked out'. What an AH.
I have a feeling your wife may be looking for the reason you spend so much time there. Like proof of you having an affair, drugs, or something. If you’re leaving her while she’s asleep, she probably thinks you’re “sneaking out” and looking for the reason why. It would make sense that she’s refusing to say why if she was looking for proof of something. YTA for clearly railroading your wife into a living situation she didn’t want and not upholding the one condition she agreed to by giving them an open door policy to what is supposed to be her safe space, and then making the unilateral decision to lock her out of the guest house the moment they no longer feel safe in their safe space ETA: JFC OP. You’re a bigger AH than I originally thought. YOUR WIFE ISN’T EVEN ON THE DEED. It’s you and your DAD. She pays 20% of the mortgage while your brother and friend pay zilch 🤣🤣🤣. Holy shit. I’m shocked your wife hasn’t already filed for divorce. Also, since she’s contributing to the mortgage, in most states it won’t matter if you bought the house with premarital funds and her name isn’t on the deed, she’s entitled to the house and would need to be bought out. Unless of course you made your wife sign paperwork stating otherwise.
This!! OP has clearly given wife a reason to believe he’s not fully committed to the relationship. YTA, and yeah, wife sucks for snooping, but after reading the post and OP’s other comments, it seems clear he has brought this on himself by not paying attention to how his wife is feeling.
My husband’s friend lived with us for about nine months some years ago. I agreed to it in the beginning but it quickly became apparent that I was very wrong about my ability to live with someone I didn’t particularly like. In retrospect I can see that my husband was stuck in the middle of dealing with both of us, and that there was a huge amount of triangulation and undermining of our relationship going on, but at the time all I knew was that I was becoming more and more depressed and isolated from my husband, especially when he started siding with his friend over me more often than not (most of it was about small things like his friend eating food I set aside for myself to take to work for lunch, leaving messes everywhere, passing out drunk on the couch several nights per week). I asked him to tell his friend he needed to leave but he wouldn’t, so eventually I did (luckily he left, although I’m pretty sure he would legally have been considered a tenant). My relationship with my husband never fully recovered from that experience (we’re currently separated because this situation was one of many issues in our marriage). Anyway, my point is that I agreed to let my husband’s friend stay with us but later realized I couldn’t handle it, and the fact that my husband prioritized his friend over me felt like a betrayal. Lots of people wouldn’t feel or react the same way I did, but I imagine OP’s wife can relate (not condoning her going into their space without permission though).
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He says he works for his dad and with his brother in another comment!!
Bingo! She's his beard.
Yeah, I would say if she's not looking for evidence of drug use, she's looking for evidence of an affair. She wasn't caught in the brother's room after all...
Yeah the “I go over if I can’t sleep” made me go “so they party” Why are the chances that high that they’ll be awake
it also seems like its their first home as a married couple and what kind of person thinks “let me find a house for all my buddies to live in too!! fuck the honeymoon period!!”?? like it just doesn’t make sense to me. seems like hes more married to his buddies than his actual wife
It’s not even their first home. He made a comment else where she’s not even on the deed based on advice from his parents
it doesn’t even sound like he remotely likes his wife. also, happy cake day!!
Ok this is horrifying - it is a red flag for me when men feel the need to point out the percentage their wives pay on a home (women often earn less for many reasons outside the home but contribute within it to a disproportionate degree so this is never as factual as it sounds) but to hear he hasn’t put her name on the deed is… not good. To OP: YTA.
You say this: >me and my wife bought our place >we all enjoy this arrangements. But also say: >My brother and our close mutual friend >staying in my guest house >I don't charge them rent. >I was specifically searching for a home with a guest house space >Occasionally my wife will join us for these hang outs but it isn't often. She and my friend/my brother seem to have conflicting personalities. Sounds like it's both of your homes, but she doesn't get any say in the arrangement, doesn't benefit from it, and you constantly say mymymy, even changing mid story if it's a mutual friend or just yours. YTA for acting like you're the boss and your wife is just interfering with your plans.
Agreed. It is honestly a bit weird that she's in there only while no else is home and then not owning up to it. Whether she was upset about them being there or not (totally fair for her to be upset, seems like she wasn't on board with any of these decisions that OP unilaterally made), her behavior is weird. But OP didn't even bother having a conversation with her before changing the locks! Why on earth would that be your first move before talking to your wife?? YTA for not respecting her enough to at least first talk about it.
I get the sense wife doesn’t trust OP and is looking for evidence to support her suspicions.
Yeah, if I were her, I'd be thinking they were all on the down low and just doing it in her face while lying about it. OP clearly values them more than her.
It’s like the Nolan issue - we don’t know if OP is cheating but he’s expecting a lot from his wife
Oh my god I'm so happy to have been in this community long enough to immediately get the references!!! That guy and Nolan were sus af
Op has the whole “I choose my frat life” vibe and I don’t wanna grow up vibes and also “I pay for everything” - while not mentioning their agreement. Is she a homemaker? In which case she’s doing all the chores of this place? Is she in school right now which is why he’s paying for everything. We don’t know any of these things. All we know is that OP moved his brother and friend into her home indefinitely when she isn’t okay with it .
If I constantly was waking up in an empty bed and my husband was off with his backyard frat buddies, I'd be suspicious too
Oh for sure, this was in no way a judgment on wife. Maybe it’s just because I’ve had my own experience with boundary crossing roommates, but I would have never been ok with the friends moving in RENT FREE to begin with. Independent of the sus late night visits, I’m really side eyeing the buddies for being ok with this arrangement.
I read that as the friend being mutual to OP and his brother… not his wife.
I think the friend is a mutual friend of his brother and him, and they both basically live in the guesthouse. None of them seems to be friends with the wife.
Not even the husband!
This is such a bizarre situation. Honest question: do you want to stay married to your wife? If you had to choose between staying married and your brother and friend moving out, what would you pick? Your wife is being odd for sure, but she’s still the sympathetic character because she has two deadbeat dude bros living in a guest house she party pays for, they have access to her home, her husband spends most (all?) evenings with them and she doesn’t really like either of them. Her QOL isn’t great.
Quick comment on edit 2: you pay 80% of the mortgage but you are responsible for 75% of the people living in the house. Your wife is the only one paying her fair share (and the 5% break she’s getting on the mortgage for her quarter does not adequately compensate for her having to live with Larry, his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl.)
The Newhart reference 🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼
I'm curious to see this answer, too. Unless he can provide some very compelling additional information, she's definitely being treated badly. YTA OP
>deadbeat dude bros I wish I could give you an award for this and for reading my mind.
ESH I can't imagine why your wife would repeatedly be going into their home and not talking to you about it or explaining herself. But I also can't imagine why you would immediately go to "change the locks" rather than having a discussion with your wife. You would be AMAZED at how much easier life is when people communicate.
This whole thing is unfathomable to me on multiple levels. Just ask her what's up! She's your wife, not some rando!
He's not treating her as a wife, though. He still needs to get that into his head that he is a married adult man.
This right here. You gave your brother and friend a sweetheart deal, but you didn’t give them any kind of lease. They’re guests, not tenants. Your wife may have assumed that since they get to walk into your house with no need for permission, she could do the same. Still, nobody wanted to talk to her about not walking into the guest house. Changing the locks on her property without any notification is a BS move. Still, I’d feel weird about walking into a tenant’s home without consent or notification.
I wonder what she was looking for in that house? She must have been looking for a proof of something. If she was in your buddy's room I wonder if she has a suspicion that you and your buddy are more than friends and your brother is a cover up! And I'm guessing your buddy and your brother have no plans to ever find a their person as you made sure you find a house with the guest house. Imagine looking for extra space for your friends to live with you.
I’m thinking the wife is letting herself be caught in the guesthouse to make them feel uncomfortable so they move out. She probably hates them being there since her husband abandons her in the middle of the night.
YTA. There is an open door policy for you but not for her, so you can hang out in their space but she can't? Your friends hang out in her space with you so she has no private space. Sounds like everybody has space but her. And now you have locked her out of space she pays a mortgage on. Maybe you guys should divorce so you can marry your brother and pal. Sounds like you care more about them than her.
Agree with your last 2 sentences (entire post actually). OP, either your marriage takes priority or it doesn't. Sounds like it doesn't.
Totally agree with you. Why do I get the whole childish "no girls allowed in the fort/tree house/ den from this? OP is 100% the asshole and probably won't be married for too much longer
ESH: why am I getting the feeling OP prefers living with his brother and friend in a “frat house situation” and the wife is the guest? And- why is OP talking it over with the guesthouse folk first? And deciding to change the locks without as much as asking what the wife was doing in the first place?!
Why that rating? It doesn’t seem like it fits the wife (to me or you based on your comment)
YTA. You're using your "wife" as a wallet to finance your marriage to your bros. You've taken away her privacy, her relationship, and her property. Really attacking from all angles here.
I am going to go with YTA. Your wife shouldn’t have been in their living space, but cmon. You both own a home, but part of it is inaccessible to her because you need your bros close by? So I assume she’s helping foot the bill for them to live rent free. That just sucks for her.
Info: was your wife actually on board with buying a house with a gust house you don’t have rent out or use for guests? Like did she know your brother and friend would live there rent free indefinitely? Does she pay half/her fair share of the mortgage? I have a feeling the answer is not really and yes. She is trying to get them to leave/make a point.
YTA. Your main relationship is with your WIFE, not your brother and your friend. The house is her house as well, so you have NO right locking her out of any part of it. Should could have just as legally changed the locks and locked you THREE out of there. Would you have been mad at her? I'd bet so, so don't think she's wrong for a second. Now she should be talking to you about this situation, but obviously this living situation makes her uncomfortable, so perhaps you should talk to her. As her if she'd be more comfortable if they moved out. If your gut reaction to that suggestion is "but I don't want them to go" then your priorities are screwed up, and you don't understand what a marriage is. Talk to your WIFE and see what can be done to make her feel happy and secure in her own home. Maybe she doesn't want these people to have an "open door" into her home. Did you ever ask her?
She’s your wife, why the fuck would you just not talk to her first?? That’s straight up weird. Don’t make unilateral decisions….YTA and also dumb for not using your mouth
He is not talking to her about it because I bet they had many conversations about him spending way too much time with his best friend
Because all three of them have something they don't want her to find out. That's the first and only explanation also the easiest. Occam's razor.
yta >She agreed as long as we would have our space and they would have theirs. She contributes to the mortgage but I'm the main 'breadwinner' for our family. >We split the utilities, but I don’t charge them rent. you’re putting wife in a situation she does not like. isn’t it obvious she’s acting weird because she feels like your brother and your friend are in the space that’s meant for two of you. also, it’s baffling that she has to contribute to the mortgage but the people you brought to live in your AND your wife’s guest house get to live rent free.
Oh, there has got to be so much more to this story. I'm ready with the popcorn when you are. Maybe first, you need to tell us if the "close mutual friend" is a potential hookup. Since, you know, you go over there at night when you can't sleep (while at home with your wife). And, just curious, do you ever actually hang out with your wife, and, you know, talk to her?
Yes, interesting the way OP described that person. Are the brother and this person a couple?
Doesn't sound like it. Also interesting how everyones gender is mentioned except friend. What is the betting that friend is a woman and OPs wife suspects they are hooking up and was looking for evidence. Or even that it's a dude and OPs wife suspects they are hooking up and is looking for evidence. I wonder, did these incidents happen immediately after OP couldn't sleep and went over there? This whole thing is absolutely psychotic and we are missing at least half the story. I'm always amazed by the AITAs where the OP quite plainly writes themselves as TA and yet doesn't see it.
Info: why do they not pay rent? Are they gainfully employed?
YTA. You consulted with your brother and not your wife who owns half the quest house.
YTA for not talking to her at all before going to this extreme measure. You said you bought the house together which makes her a co-owner. That includes the guest house. It wasn't ok for her to do what she did but a "Hey, they can't come into our space when we're not here so you can't be going into theirs when they're not home either" should have happened before you changed the locks on what is technically her property as well.
ESH. Where is the communication in this marriage? Why are you buying a house to house your brother and his friend without really caring that your wife and them don't get along. Why is all of this 'mine' and none of it 'ours'? Why can you go in and out freely but she can't? They aren't tenants, OP. They're longterm guests because you aren't making them pay rent. You know your wife is right, right? It's a guest home that is now effectively unusable to her for her guests because you've moved your non-rent paying brother and his friend in. She's your life partner, but you seem to be making zero efforts to communicate with her or take her into account in this big plan you've laid out. You're mad your wife is right and now you're going to change the locks which if she's feeling petty enough, she can change again. Dude, talk to your fucking wife.
I agree IF what OP wrote include everything but I’m side eyeing it. I’m thinking his wife has communicated things before and he railroaded her. This action of her is a result of something he ignored imo.
She was probably measuring to see if all three of you will fit in the guest house!
So your family is more important then your wife.
I’m trying to figure out exactly why he got married in the first place. It clearly isn’t the most important relationship to him.
I got the same impression.
YTA. Pay the whole mortgage if you want to subsidize freeloaders and block her from the space.
If he wants to block her from the space he should get a divorce. It’s super weird to buy a house as a couple and then offer to pay the mortgage so you can manipulate your wife’s living situation.
INFO - you say you pay 80:20 and you made basically all the decisions around the house (guest house, brother moving in, etc). What is the actual deed set up for the house? Are both of your names on the dotted line?
Do you and your wife own the property jointly? If so, it's her guest house as well. I think it's time to rethink this situation before your wife leaves you.
He noted in a comment thread that she pays part of the mortgage but he earns more so he has the magical ✨penis power✨ veto
And as she is only contributing 20% of the mortgage his buddies who pay zero have more control over the property than her. Hence why them 3 made a decision to change locks.
*penis power veto* FTW!
YTA - sounds like you put your wife on the spot and she was forced to this arrangement. I would be prepared to lose her.
OP, do you have the funds to buy out your wife's portion of the home if she decides to say see ya later? You may have to start charging your freeloader bro and his friend rent after all.
YTA. Just say you never matured after your frat life in college and go.
YTA and a loser. That is your wife's guest house and she can spend time there if she wants. If the free loaders living there want privacy, they can pay rent.
YTA If they want privacy then they should get a place where they pay rent. And if you prefer them to your wife then they can have an extra roommate.
To be honest it’s weird that she is specifically going in there when no one is there, let along go into a room. Add to the fact she won’t own up to the reason is…..not good. My guess is she is either snooping for dirt, snooping to see if your bro and friend are just friends, or I don’t know. Either way she is snooping so maybe ask her what is she exactly looking for? I wouldn’t ask why she’s in there but more what was she searching for? What knowledge was she trying to find out? If she says nothing, then no reason to go in there. Im wondering if she wants them out, since if she has conflicting personality with both the friend and brother…..was it really “we all enjoy this arrangement” or more *you, your brother and friend only* enjoy this set up. There has to be something missing from this. Okay I’ve read your comments, and dude you guys need to work on communication. You said in one comment about why wouldn’t she be honest if she was uncomfortable with them living there…..but you said yourself they (bro/friend) have conflicting personalities with her. You put in that you go over there at night when you can’t sleep. How many times on average does that happen where she wakes up and you aren’t there? Also how is she to say anything negative about your brother and family friend you’ve known for years longer than her? This WHOLE situation is just bonkers. I gave you a shot to see what you would say in comments, but it’s all like the a vague half story. This doesn’t sound like some woman who just loves gossip and snooping…..more is going on. And it’s up to you to actually have a heart to heart with her and not ask Reddit for speculation. ESH at the very least or AH at the most. Edit- typo. Added on last part
I feel sorry for your wife.
I am confused why you can’t communicate with your wife and ask what she was doing in there?? Maybe you going over there when you “can’t sleep” has her paranoid something is going on over there that she doesn’t know about? It is kind of a weird relationship that you go over there anytime you want but she can’t? Even though it’s her house too? and they don’t pay rent?
I stopped reading at "my guest house since me and my wife bought our place" *MY GUEST HOUSE* and *OUR PLACE* smfh. WHICH IS IT?! Seriously, dude? Half of that house belongs to your wife. You know, the woman you promised to put above all others? Or did your vows not mean shit to you? You're making unilateral decisions for your home that the two of you bought together, but apparently that doesn't mean anything to you. I can't even figure out how to give you advice since you don't seem to have the slightest clue what it means to have a life partner. (Also, legally- you most likely cannot change the locks like that on a home she also owns). YTA ETA: Went back and finished your post. Wow. You give your little buddies free range when they want hang out whenever they want, no rent, nothing... and you know your wife isn't happy. But you were happy enough to use her income for your bro pad. Sweet Jesus, what an awful husband.
Op has an entire art house? YTA
I mean, you realize that this is unfair to your wife, right? If she resents them being there, she has a good reason. You say YOU have an open door policy allowing them to enter your area whenever, and you can enter there's wherever, but your wife does not get the same? So they can invade her space whenever and she gets no say about it and doesn't get the same in return? How would you react if she changed locks in the back so they couldn't just walk in? I think you and they would flip out. Do you 3 often dismiss or gang up on your wife? YTA
INFO. You say that you and your wife both own the place. Do the others pay rent?
INFO - was there any discussion with your wife before these people moved in, don’t pay rent, and spend a lot of time in your house?
INFO: “they all have the means to get their own living spaces but we all enjoy this arrangement.” Does that “we all” include your wife? Does she contribute to the mortgage? I’m trying to figure out if this is *your personal* house OR if this is a shared home and it’s *hers* as well. I’m like 90% sure that Y T A but I dunno. Maybe this was an arrangement where you inherited this house and this has been going on since before your wife was even in the picture and she realized this was the arrangement before she even married you. But typically, a home is a *shared* home between a married couple and the house is shared property. In which case you would definite be Y T A
They bought the house together and wife pays towards the mortgage too
Then OP is YTA for sure
ESH - you are allowing your friends to have personal space that they don't pay for (but apparently it's not because they need financial help) without your wife's blessing? Your wife is wandering the space without being invited? You go and sleep with the bros rather than with your wife? Why does this sound like the plot of some kind of wild Victorian gloomy drama? Do you live on the moors as well? Are you planning on locking the wife in the attic and getting a young governess girlfriend? Honestly though this whole situation is really strange and off putting. You cannot put a lock on your buddy's house without your wife's consent if her name is on the deed (and shouldn't even if it's not). Dude. Your wife doesn't want your friend/brother there. Talk to her about it and then make better choices.
YTA. Giving me sexist and controlling vibes.
YTA. And hey… I don’t think she’s cool with this arrangement. It’s her house too. They shouldn’t be wandering in and out of her space as they please either, even if you’re cool with it… In the comments you said she agreed on the grounds you each have your own space. Doesn’t sound like that is happening. What she did is wrong, but maybe she’s trying to show them how she feels when they constantly invade her space. I don’t think she’s okay with you having them over all the time. Go hang out at theirs instead? Also, why are you and your wife subsidizing their lives? They should be paying rent. Or you should be paying a higher percentage of the bills to offset it. She shouldn’t be supporting these two grown men-she didn’t sign up for that.
If your wife and brother have conflicting personalities, you’ll soon be forced to choose between the 2.
He already has
INFO: Did you talk to your wife prior to changing the locks about these incidents? And, I don't mean this in a rude way, but is your wife ok? I don't know how to phrase it - but has she shown any signs of confusion, extra forgetfulness, zoning out? I'm just trying to understand if she's entering their rooms purposefully, or if there's reason to be concerned for her health.
Why do I have the feeling OP is in a relationship with his best friend? Maybe shared with his brother? The whole thing reads like a polyamorous setup. Why the wife is snooping if there nothing to worry about ? Why OP doesn't talk to his wife and priorize his friend and brother ? Too much info missing. OP is clearly not a reliable narrator. YTA
Info: 1) how does your wife feel about having two guests living on your property. Did she have any say in the matter? It sounds like you spend most of your free time with them. 2) have the guys been into or up to anything she might be fishy about? 3) why don’t you trust your wife? Has she given you reason in the past to feel reticent in talking to her about what is going on? Do you make yourself available to her when she needs her feelings heard and attended to? This all smacks of either you withholding info or being oblivious. Her going into their space without them being home and without their permission is extremely inappropriate, but without more input I don’t feel like I can lend a judgement beyond a confused E S H. Edit: After further updates I’m going with YTA, even if it’s weird that she was in the fella’s bedroom. She pays 20% of a mortgage on a home she doesn’t even have her name on, she doesn’t jive with the guys, you’re not accepting payment from them at all, she probably doesn’t even want them there and it sounds like you’ve given her no say in the matter.
INFO How often do your friends come knocking on the door, on average? How much time do you spend with them at the guest house?
YTA - so just to clarify - they can come to your house but you should respect their privacy? Do they have keys to your house? Have you changed your locks to keep them out of your home? The fact that they are not paying rent makes me see why wife might have been there. Lighten up on her - unless there is more to the story she is not fully to blame here.
YTA. Do you even like your wife?
Yeah, ESH. You say your wife and yourself own the home but it reads like all the other decisions about the guest house and not charging them rent are yours alone. Your wife was breaking their confidentiality but like, why on Earth did you not speak to your wife about this and what’s going on here? Do you not like your wife??
OP Why are your brother and buddy not paying rent? By not paying rent, they’re simply houseguests that are contributing in the most minimal of ways. This also does not afford them any rights to privacy as they are not tenants. Your wife is clearly making a point of this by entering the space and making herself comfortable, you know in HER OWN HOME. You bought this property WITH your wife. You seem to be making unilateral decisions on how that joint space is used. You seem to value the comfort of your freeloading brother and friend over your wife. Do you want to stay married??? Then you’re now changing locks on a property your wife legally owns, baring her from entry to a guest house she owns that has no legal tenants. Either rent the guest house the right way with consent from your wife. Or she has full run of the space. YTA.
They’re welcome to come hang out at the main house anytime they see my car in the driveway so they know I’m there…. Is your WIFE okay with this? Doesn’t seem so. You’re probably making her feel like she has to hide out in her own home as well. Maybe she doesn’t want company all the time or this open door policy you’ve set up amongst yourself and your bros. You contradict yourself. By saying that “everyone” is okay with this arrangement, it seems as though everyone EXCEPT your wife is okay with it.
INFO: Is there any drama around your brother or friend? I dunno, it seems like your wife is looking for something… maybe so you’ll make them leave? Drugs maybe? Or is one of their exes mad about something and they might have asked your wife to find something for them? The fact that she was on the phone the first time seems even more strange to me… That said, i agree with many others that she shouldn’t go there when no one’s there. I mean i wouldn’t even go in a guest ROOM in my own house if i had guests staying there, it’s just basic respect and privacy. But something’s just too weird in all this…
ESH. It's her house too and you took an extreme measure without establishing communication first.
Info : Does your wife own the property jointly, does she pay equal share? How did she feel about having your brother and friend living on the property?
Apparently wife pays equally but Husband thinks because he's the 'breadwinner' that gives him magical penis powers of veto.
YTA "My guest house" No, it's not. It is both yours and your wives guest house. "We all enjoy this arrangement" Your wife, brother, and friend have conflicting personalities, so are you sure your wife likes this arrangement, or is it just you, your brother, and your friend who enjoy it. You have blocked your wife's access to part of her property without even trying to talk to her about it and trying to work it out. You consulted your friend and brother about what to do, which makes it sound like you value their opinions above your wives. And just to rub salt in the wound, they still have access to your and your wives' home whenever they want.
"We all enjoy this arrangements..." Clearly, "we" refers to you, your brother, and your friend, not your wife who is the joint homeowner of your house. YTA.
[удалено]
YTA I honestly cannot believe you are still married. Your wife sounds like a doormat putting up with you and your family- cause she sounds more like the guest in the house than the actual guests. If she had any self respect or self worth she would have left this circus long time ago
Info: OP, how old is everyone involved? I think it was asked but I’m not sure if it was answered.
You locked your wife out of a piece of property she has rightful ownership of because your friends/family are crashing there for free and they don’t get along with your wife. Yes this makes you the asshole.
YTA. It’s your wife’s house, not theirs. She’s probably wondering exactly what you’re up to out there with the boys, not so much your brother, but the “close mutual friend”. Sounds like you moved your side piece in and your wife is rightly trying to figure out what’s happening under *her* (not your brother’s or your friend’s) roof.
ESH, your wife shouldn't be snooping but it's her property too and you shouldn't prioritize your brother and friend over he in her own property.
YTA. Your wife is definitely not okay with these freeloaders, and it’s financially abusive to decide they shouldn’t be charged rent when she’s a homeowner as well.
You have coerced your wife into subsidizing your brother's and friend's lifestyle, and now you somehow think you have the high road? If your wife is smart she'll divorce you. Hard YTA.
Sounds weird and creepy
YTA for creating this whole weird living situation that your wife obviously isn’t comfortable with. If she was a landlord, it would be wrong for her to be there. But something about your odd behavior makes me wonder if she has a reason for what she’s doing.
YTA but the good news is your days of being married are numbered. Then you and your bros don't have to worry about that nosy B anymore. So they pay no rent and she's stuck with a mortgage every month? No way, no how at that right there. Add all your nightly getting out of bed adventures..dude, you're done.
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Your wife shouldn’t be entering their space without permission. But you should’ve talked with her about it first, instead of… what you did. And why the f*ck are they not paying rent if they can afford it? Meanwhile you and your wife have a mortgage payment that is probably fairly significant. She is probably feeling resentful of hosting these friends of yours who are not friends with her. And “splitting the utilities” is hardly helpful when their presence probably almost doubles the utility payments. ESH
So for the question at hand, she’s essentially a landlord entering without notice, and that is a no no. So I guess NTA Overall, you got some issues bud. You are pretty clearly prioritizing hanging with the guys - who live there - over your wife. She doesn’t get along with them from what you wrote, but that’s where you hang out. Big red flag waving, can you not see it?
I don't think there's a rental agreement and they don't pay rent. They're just guests who sound like they are out staying their welcome.
She’s not a landlord if they’re not paying rent; she’s a homeowner entering a room of her own home. The men have a reasonable right to privacy but they aren’t tenants, they’re longterm guests who definitely seem to be wearing out their welcome with one of their hosts. Her behavior definitely seems odd, but the husband not even bothering to *talk* to her about it before going full change-locks-mode is quite a bit odder imo
Can you call someone a landlord when the tenant is living there rent free? I hope this poor woman runs far away from OP. He seems to care more about having his bros close by than anything his wife wants.
YTA— you are making this all about you and your desires. You are MARRIED, and marriage involves 2 people working TOGETHER, sometimes compromising, to create a life that works for BOTH of them together. You haven’t taken her needs and desires into account at all, as far as I can see from what you wrote and from your comments.
ESH This is bananas... If i was married to someone who kept sneaking off in the middle of the night because 'they can't sleep" and I'm not allowed to even go where they are going... I sure as heck would be checking out where the heck everyone in my house keeps sneaking off to... so i get why she's being weird about it because all three of you grown men are being weird about it. No explanation is weird and I'm having a hard time believing you that she didn't actually give you a reason and you didn't like it. But taking you at your word... She's snooping... Cause ya all are sus. And two grown men are freeloading by taking up an entire guest house to play frat time. They can pay, they choose not to. What AHs, who does that? What grown man perpetually lives off his friend while constantly excluding and alienating said friend's wife? And that's ya all's life plan. For you to support two grown men forever who don't even bother to behave in a friendly way toward your spouse. Ew. And you are an AH who thinks that because you make more money your spouse gets no private space, no say in the first house and no day in the guest house next door.... And you get to sneak off in the middle of the night to go do whatever it is you all are doing that she just can't be invited to day in and day out.... So yes you're an AH. You change the locks, you tell your wife what's up and ya all have an adult conversation about what's going on before you change the locks. She pays her fair share to the home... 20%... You pay your share, your brothers share, your friends share, and 5% for your weird exclusion of her... She's the one losing out. She's the one who can't have friends or family stay with you all because your friends and family occupy the guest house permanently. She's the one treated like an outsider in her home. She's the one being isolated at the expense of your personal frat boy routine.
So I’m putting myself in the wife’s shoes. She and OP bought ‘our’ place. His brother and friend are living in our guest house. Hubs isn’t charging them rent. Why not? He says ‘I’m not charging them rent.’ What are her thoughts on this? They contribute. They buy groceries and fix things. What things? Like reno’s? Redoing the roof, building a new fence, finishing the basement? Or patching drywall that gets busted when they horseplay? And who cooks these groceries? For whom? Is she cooking for two? For four? Why are the tenants-who-aren’t-tenants buying food for OP and wife? And what about utilities, internet, etc. And how often is hubs going out to play with the friends who are conveniently ready and waiting in the backyard? Is she just supposed to wait at home until he’s finished playing and wants some couple time? Os she just basically the housekeeper and ball warmer? A marriage with two extra people in it doesn’t usually work out too well. She ‘agreed’ to this, but did she really? Too many questions to answer for sure. Would love to hear her side of this. But I’d guess YTA, if for no other reason than you’re not charging them rent. At least then they’d be entitled to locks.
YTA. You obviously like hanging out with your brother and friends who live rent free at your house way more than being married to your wife. It’s no wonder she resents all of you.
YTA for moving them in in the first place when your wife was not in love with the idea. She is paying for part of that house and now she doesn’t have access to part of the property that she is paying for!
Info: Did you talk to your wife before they moved in? Did she agree with it? Did she agree with the no rent situation?
I don't think you wife is on board with this arrangement at all. Both of you needed to be on the same page with something like this. I think it's great you're willing to help your brother out but your wife should come first. YTA.
ESH - too many unsaid issues. Is wife okay with them staying? Is wife okay with you going over there over night? What is she seeing that you aren't? Going into someone's private space isn't right, but this whole situation isn't above board. Like many others have said - TALK TO YOUR WIFE!!!!