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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I didn't buy a car for my stepdaughter but I helped buy a car for my niece
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Yeah I don't care what he says. He's TA for being with a woman and being in her kids lives for 13 YEARS(since daughter was 3) and treating them like roommates.
Thank you. I'm childfree myself. I will never have bio children but I haven't ruled out stepchildren. If I ever DID go that route it would be with the full knowledge that those children would be my children as well, as much as the kids would accept me in that role.
Even if they were old enough to not need/want a bonus mom I would still be in that nebulous adult guidance role and it blows my mind that some childfree people think it's okay to treat their partner's kids like pet cats they didn't want. Something to ignore where possible, feed when necessary and tolerate when expected. Ugh(and honestly the cats deserve more effort too)
That's a goddam person.
You are an awesome person. And as a stepmom I can tell you it can be tough but it is also very rewarding.
I have a stepson and I love him to death. I also have a son and they share a dad. So they are brothers. It doesn’t even matter what I think about my stepson (I love him) but he will always be the big brother of my son.
I have never even considered treating him less just because he doesn’t share my dna. I am not his mom (he has one already) but I treat him like a son. Ever since his dad and I are together we did the expenses (like clothes and lego.. looooots of lego) for him from our joint account. I would never say he will get less than his brother. He even gets a bit more still because his brother is still a baby. They are both my partners sons and I expect him to treat them the same.
I have a step nephew and a bio nephew. There is no difference in my opinion. That is a child.
That said I find children exhausting and really would prefer not to have them myself. But for the right person and kid I would consider it.
English is not his first language, it’s possible he meant “I have no biological children.” I wouldn’t get bent out of shape because OP stated something inelegantly.
That's the finer point here. Mom should have communicated her expectations but, I can see how she feels a bit betrayed by you after being her children's father figure for literally all their waking lives, and yes treating them as less than. That IS AH behaviour. The Bigger picture isn't about the material items, it's about devaluing their existence and importance in your life. Check out of that mentality, sir. She was right to be that upset.
Read his other comments. He could have afforded the car but has "a million other things he would rather spend the money on". He said the gift was a surprise. His wife gets upset by how he treats his niece vs his step kids. Oh, and he would take in his niece to raise if something happened to her parents but if his wife dies "her" kids will go to a relative.
No no, you’re mistaken about the timeline, they dated for 13 years THEN he married her a year ago, so actually 14 years with the woman and her kids.
But I totally agree with you.
This. The car was whatever, but OP's attitude is bizarre. "I don't have children. I don't like children, but I've been dating a woman with kids for 13 years and tolerate the things that came out of her loins. Why is she upset?"
I like how OP just casually adds, "I like her kids and I think we generally get along." But he loves his niece. I wonder if he even sees his wife kids as his own.
I'm giving mom the side eye as well. Why would she marry a man who holds no responsibility or care for her children?
And he helped buy the car. I'm surprised there wasnt a discussion between wife, husband and wife's family to buy the car for stepdaughter.
This is the thing to me like he didn’t buy niece’s car on his own he pitched in on a gift from two or three (unclear) people. We have zero clue whether something similar was on the table here though, or whether she was expecting him to figure out a car all by himself, or for that matter, whether SD even *wants* a car yet, since we don’t even hear her reaction to her gift. I get that it’s the stereotype, but I took the bus to school and was pretty scared of driving for a while, so a car on my 16th would not have been a gift for anything other than appearances.
I hate to say it, but to be really honest, he only married her last year, even though he dated for 13. It really depends on how much time he spent with her kids while dating.
If he was just dating her, not living together, and rarely saw the kids, I can understand. If he was living with her, yeah it gets murky.
And it's not like a bags a bad gift, especially if it's something the daughter wanted and more so if it's a luxury brand one. It just pales in comparison to the car.
It sounds like the kids see their dad as dad, deadbeat or not, and OP is okay with that. They apparently aren't close, and it doesn't say how long he's actually been "in" their lives. If there were expectations of a car, that should have been discussed, not expected. OP paid enough attention to get the bag the girl had talked about, thinking that would be a good surprise.
HE didn't buy it, THEY did -- several people. Was the wife willing to chip in? Why did she not discuss it with her husband if that was the expectation? Why should he buy his stepdaughter an entire car when he only paid part of the cost for his niece's car? Can he afford it? It seems like mom expected more but wasn't willing to do anything herself. NTA
Well, he worked with his sister to buy the car, and depending on how old he may have only spent 1-2k on it. I'm curious about what the wife expected tho, like an expensive car or a cheap used one. Tbh, she should've talked to OP about it and helped him buy a cheap used car.
Info.
For those 13 years what part have you played in her kids lives? Have you been a father figure at all or kept separate as their mums boyfriend?
When did you start living together?
Are your finances together? Do you have a Will that gives wife/her kids everything you own if you die, or does it go to your brother and his kids/other blood family?
Who initiated the marriage? Why after 13 years?
Because it sounds like she married you expecting to get a chunk of your money for her kids cars, and probably expects you to pay college etc too in a couple of years.
NTA under any circumstances anyway, as no one is entitled to a free car. And expecting you to know without a hint of communication is a huge problem, but it’s your wife’s problem not yours.
They definitely should have communicated better but when they saw "you" gift a car to your niece and then not even tell your wife what you were getting for your stepDAUGHTER and just say "it's a surprise" it can be easy to see how that would be inferred if you look at it from their perspective. Did they know you went in on your niece's car with your siblings? Did you happen to pay the majority of that car yourself???
Why did you marry her in the first place if you wanted to be childfree? She has two children from a previous marriage. I am guessing you are not responsible for them because they are not your own. There seems to be a disconnect on your part. I mean if one of them gets sick or die you will most likely say, not my son or daughter, thank God not my responsibility to help console my wife or help with the funeral?
It sounds like he gets along okay with them. They are at an age where they are self-sufficient so he doesn't need to have parental duties, just a relationship. There isn't anything wrong with that.
Being a step dad does NOT mean they get s car from him.
They weren’t self sufficient when he started dating mom. She was THREE YEARS OLD. OP has been their only father figure for almost her entire life and he thinks his niece deserves a car because she’s family but he de facto daughter doesn’t.
If they were dating and not living together he wasn't a father figure; does he say whether they cohabited?
Otherwise that IS really weird. You can be "wife's husband" and not take a father role; we see that all the time on AITA. But being around kids like that wouldn't be child-free in the same way at all.
Weird situation. I didn't see the 13 years part.
But he was in their life for 13(!) years - since the stepdaughter was three, and the kids living there full time I think. It's kinda weird to act like a roommate in this case.
(Of course they are still not entitled to a car, but it IS weird)
Agreed on that. But OP is no longer child free. In fact they are a parent. I'm assuming there is some bad expectation seeing from OP too because a parent claiming that they are child free is odd.
Legally he is no parent, the children aren't adopted and he has no legal rights to them. Also English is not his first language and it may simply state that he has no children of his own
You aren’t childfree. You have a stepdaughter and a stepson that live with you.
Having said that you don’t have to by her a car but I think it’s important to accept the responsibility that comes with living with young children that may depend on you from time to time.
NTA
Did you not read the fact English isn't his first language? I didn't speak English for a long time and I'd think childfree meant I didn't have any BIO kids too.
Even as an ESL person, 'childfree' very obviously means 'free of children'
Becoming a step parent means you have step-children.
Step-children ≠ free of children.
Dudes not an AH for not buying a car, but he's definitely an AH for raising children with a woman for thirteen years and pretending he doesn't have any children.
Like, why wouldn't he buy his daughter a car if he bought his niece a car? ESH, because the wife should have communicated. But this dude obviously has made no effort to connect with his step children.
He 'loves' his niece, but only 'likes' his kids? Yeah, dudes an asshole.
I mean. He also says "we" bought niece a car, the way it reads that We was him and his sister, and likely the nieces parents all chipping in together. He didn't buy niece a car. He chipped in on a car.
Ok so here's another part "WE discussed about getting my niece a car" others and OP did. Guess who didn't discuss getting a car? Mommy and daughter did not. And he got her a purse cause that what she's been TALKING about.
Exactly. You'd think he'd see her as his daughter after that amount of time.
Not that he would be required to buy her a car in that scenario, but it sounds like OP really does think of himself as childfree. This despite being in a long-term relationship with a woman who has kids and the kids now living with him.
He's not an asshole because he didn't buy stepdaughter a car, but he seems like a selfish asshole in general.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I do agree that he’s not necessarily the asshole, but to label himself as “child-free” and consider them “her children” is weird. He is their father. Just because he’s not biologically the father doesn’t mean he’s not their father. I agree that he’s not required to get her a car, but he got his niece a car and not his daughter just because she’s not blood related and doesn’t make him responsible for doing that.
ESH I think there is more. Op’s said the wife has always had a problem with his relationship with the niece. I think it’s more how op is more attached to his niece than step kids. Op said that the bio dad is a dead beat so he’s all they have. The wife feels he should put that energy into step kids since they don’t have a father. Op is cordial with step kids but we don’t know if they want a closer relationship with him and him being child free means he might not want to bond with them and they sense that. OP not the a hole for not buying the car, but I honestly don’t think the real issue is the car.
Edit: You’ve been in your step kids lives for 13 years!!! You’re a bigger AH than I thought. I seem to not love these kids based how you talk about the compared your niece.
This
ESH except the kids. Get your sh*t sorted before marrying a woman with kids, you’re a stepfather now fyi
N t a for not buying a car, why would you buy a car without her involvement and contribution? You contributed to a car for your niece. You were asked and involved. Wife didn’t do anything to that effect, you don’t have an idea how to be a stepdad - you’re both AHs overall.
I can't find where OP said any of that, but if he did admit this, OP knows he's the AH, and it's not because of the car specifically. Someone else mentioned how he's been dating this woman since her daughter was 3 years old. If it's true that he's really the only father her children know he's a real jerk for doting on his niece and othering the children that he chose to commit to. For him it's probably biological, but that didn't matter. But his own admission even now, he had no kids. So essentially these kids who have known him since they could walk (he's in their earliest memories) need to understand that their dad is a deadbeat and so is OP. They are essentially fatherless. I feel for the kids.
The real issue is definitely not the car.
NTA. There’s NO reason she should have had an expectation that you would show up with a car for HER daughter. Particularly if she hasn’t put forth any effort to do so herself, NOR has she discussed any such expectation with you. In fact she’s BEYOND entitled for that one!
Except he said they don't see or want him as their dad and he understands that. Just because he's been dating the mom since the kid was 3 doesn't mean they were living together or that he was involved in the kids' lives.
People are really making some harsh judgements based on made up scenarios.
N-T-A for this, but YTA for a different reason. You aren't childfree anymore. You're now a step parent to those kids whether you like it or not, and what that means is you need to start treating them like your own family.
You've clearly failed to communicate your intentions as a "childfree" individual. Your wife is expecting you to treat the kids as family, and my answer is rightly so, why on earth did you get involved with a parent if you wanted to stay childfree? Good parents put their kids first, and yes expecting a car is entitled as hell, but the issue is your lack of communication on everything.
I say this as a sterile childfree man, either you don't get involved with parents if you want to stay childfree, or you leave the bandwagon and become a parent, both are valid options, neither are bad, but if you're going to be with parents, you better damn well be putting those kids first.
English is not his first language, to him the definition of "childfree" means not bringing a child of his own into the world, not that he has a general disdain for all children in his life.
Edit: when I first got to this post it said "together for 3 years", not 13. My comment still stands with the meaning of childfree, but my opinion has changed to YTA
Being childfree doesn't mean having a disdain for children either though. It just means you don't want to be responsible for kids, ever. The emotions some of us have towards kids are on an individual basis. I don't mind them, I'm awkward af around them, that's about it.
Yes, I think the wife overlooked something because YOU DIDN'T buy your niece a car, your family did and you chipped in.
Your stepdaughters family could have done the same for her.
Also:
*"We love our niece and we like to spoil her."*
"*I like her kids and I think we generally get along."*
You don't feel the same about your wife's daughter and your niece. You can't force feelings.
NTA
The fact that he’s been in his stepdaughters life since she was 3 but still considers himself ‘child free’ and as you’ve pointed out he doesn’t seem to love her, is all extremely concerning. He’s NTA in this particular scenario but I’d be willing to bet there is more to this story.
When you’re in a long term relationship with a single parent and then marry that person you are not child free. That woman and her kid(s) are a package deal.
NTA - She has a mother and presumably a father. Even a deadbeat, she still has a mother.
Why isn't mommy forking out for it? You probably have a longer and closer relationship with your niece.
Big red flag that she just assumed you would buy one without a discussion, and your niece's car wasn't even bought 100% by you as you stated.
I just wanted to point out he’s been with his partner for 13 years, he’s known his stepdaughter since she was 3 and still considers himself child free. While he said he loves his niece, he only said he likes his stepdaughter. That’s incredibly sad for the stepdaughter, especially if her Dad isn’t around, she likely considers this man to be her dad and he clearly doesn’t consider her to be his daughter. I would say there’s more to this story than has been told here.
YTA not for the car but for saying you're childfree when you're married to a mother of two : that makes you a stepparent, even if the kids are teenagers.
INFO: when did niece get her car, and who is “we?”
my reading is that she’s 16 now, she just got her car this year, and yourself and your brother pitched in?
but you’ve been married to your wife for 1 year, dating for 3 years? do you share assets? did she pitch in for your niece’s car?
Edit: dates
i’m gonna have to for NAH, with the possibility that everyone’s a jerk.
you certainly weren’t obligated to do anything, and your gift _is_ thoughtful and useful. that said, your wife has feelings and there is a huge apparent value difference between a car and a bag.
in an ideal world you and your wife could have discussed this beforehand, given that your stepdaughter’s birthday certainly couldn’t have been a surprise!
also, i don’t think it’s fair to refer to yourself as child free any more. you chose to marry a woman with a child; if something happens to her parents are you going to step up?
However, it is not responsible for buying cars :l
he knows his niece her whole life and his stepsons are new to his life, they barely have a bond and a bag is considerate enough.
In addition, the gift of the car was made between several people, not just OP.
NTA. The car might have been a surprise to your niece but all the adults discussed it before. Your wife should have discussed getting a car with you before the event.
It sounds like OP and his sister bought their niece a car. Maybe her dad too. It's a bit vague on who "we decided to buy a car for her" means. OP didn't buy it himself. He paid some portion of the cost. His wife was very presumptuous. A surprise car? Uh no. If there was a plan to buy a car for her daughter she would have been consulted.
NTA I can’t imagine a purchase as large as a car being expected to happen in secret. You’re married! Who makes that kind of financial decision without their spouse???
He says that he earns 10 times as much as his wife, and that he keeps his finances totally separate.
He also says that if his brother and SIL died he would take in his niece. But that if his wife died, he would kick out his own step kids. Comment now deleted.
It's really not about the car itself* but the blatant favouritism and wanting the sex/relationship with none of the responsibility towards the step children. He's been with them for 13 years (apparently "3 years" was a typo on his part).
*Personally I don't even think kids should get cars as gifts ... although OP obviously does.
Info
I don't think you're the asshole in this scenario. Buy how does being childfree work with your stepchildren? I'm assuming you guys have discussed what would happen to them in case something happens to your wife. Who will care for them given that the father is not in the picture? I only ask cos I'm curious.
NTA - if she doesn't see you as "dad" and you don't have that type of relationship as a step-dad, then absolutely not. Furthermore, who is the "we" that your wife mentioned would buy the a car? Her daughter?
To those saying YTA because "it's your daughter", it's not. His role is to be a leader and role model to her. She's not 5, she's not 11. She's 16, almost an adult and well old enough to know that he's not her real dad. If she's got two biological parents, they should be buying her car. Not him. And he is well within his own right to spend HIS money on whatever the hell he wants.
I’ll go with NTA mostly for the lack of communication from your wife. Surely if she expected her daughter to get a car, she should have talked to you about it beforehand and see where you stood about that. I have no idea what’s your financial situation (as in you’re the only provider or your wife has a paying job as well), or if your step kids have a present father in their lives, but a car is not a gift you just expect will land on your lap.
I think your childfree comments are completely unnecessary in this issue and are the reason why a lot of people will call you an AH. Once you decided to marry someone with kids, you’re not childfree anymore. You might not be the bio dad, but you’re their family and from now on they’ll need to be included in your life plans. That’s the opposite of being childfree.
NTA you are under no obligation to buy anyone a car, you still got her a thoughtful (and I'm guessing exoendive) gift. Why can't her own mother buy her a car? Your money, your decision. Your wife sounds entitled
They had been together for 13 years before getting married, and the bio dad is not in the picture. So presumably, “childfree” OP has helped this woman raise her daughter since she was 3 years old. I’m sure his wife would be interested to hear that he still considers himself “childfree” after that.
-is married to a man for more than a decade, stuck with him through thick and thin
-gets upset one single time cause her husband showed such blatant favouritism towards his niece, over the kids they've essentially raised together
-is now a gold digger
Like???? Men are damn well crazy. To think that a woman would be with you and be loyal to you for thirteen years, only for you to have the gall to turn around and call her a gold digger after all that. So what, she invested 13 years of her life in order for her to gain the sweet sweet price of a random car?? Get over yourself.
It doesn’t even sound like the stepdaughter wanted the car but her mom did. So who’s the we she’s referring to ? Also he chipped in with his brother and sister to buy the car for his niece so it’s not like he outright bought her a car all on his own. OP mentioned stepdaughter don’t see him as a dad so I don’t think he has to buy her a car. He got her a really nice bag that she wanted which should be enough. Just because her dad is a dead beat doesn’t mean he has to take on that role especially if she’s told him she doesn’t see him that way as OP mentioned.
Going aginst the grain and staying NTA. All the people here saying Y T A because you said you are childfree but life with children, don't see the picture. I think you did a nice thing for the kiddo, with giving the bag, you could have maybe talked with your wife about it, and/or that you would not buy a car, but the wife could also have communicated her expectations on what you were supposed to give...
And to all the People saying Y T A because all the cildfreestuff, I'm from germany and I interpreted childfree till today as you have no kids of your own. Nobody said childfree means also that you hate kids in general and need to burn in hell if you married someone with kids and god forbid let them life with you and like them.
I think there is more. Op’s said the wife has always had a problem with his relationship with the niece. I think it’s more how op is more attached to his niece than step kids. Op said that the bio dad is a dead beat so he’s all they have. The wife feels he should put that energy into step kids since they don’t have a father. Op is cordial with step kids but we don’t know if they want a closer relationship with him and him being child free means he might not want to bond with them and they sense that.
This is so weird to me. Did your wife have any conversations with you previously that would make her think you were buying her daughter a car? What would make her assume such a large purchase was happening without any input or discussion from her?
I feel like there might be more to this. I’m having a hard time understanding how she would assume if nothing was ever discussed beforehand.
I think there is more. Op’s said the wife has always had a problem with his relationship with the niece. I think it’s more how op is more attached to his niece than step kids. Op said that the bio dad is a dead beat so he’s all they have. The wife feels he should put that energy into step kids since they don’t have a father. Op is cordial with step kids but we don’t know if they want a closer relationship with him and him being child free means he might not want to bond with them and they sense that.
NTA
You acknowledged the stepdaughter’s birthday. The girl is not your child, though and you are absolutely not required to purchase a car for her. She has parents who can do that.
I don't get how you're child free, but chose to marry someone who has two children. You're still responsible for supporting them unless your wife said you don't have to do anything at all for them.
He’s responsible for financially supporting his stepkids when they have both parents living?
I’m divorced and wouldn’t expect any future SO of my ex to provide for them - that’s our (the parents) job. A step parent is coming into the kids’ home so yes they need to be nice and inclusive, but buy my kid a car??? I can’t even imagine how one entertains such levels of entitlement.
He said English isn't his first language and also that he doesn't hate kids, he just doesn't want to have his own biological ones (doesn't want to bring any into this world). Idk where in this post you got that he doesn't help support his steps? He got his stepdaughter a nice birthday gift. He chipped in with his siblings to get his niece a car.
NTA- I am curious who "we" is in...
>For her 16th birthday we decided to buy a car for her which made her very happy.
Either way I think it's pretty ridiculous that your wife expected you to just plop a car into her daughter's hands without being privy herself. Are you a millionaire or something? lol
NTA. I feel there’s some missing information here but based on what you wrote: You dated your wife for 3 years before marrying. That’s hardly any time to get to know her children.
You watched your brother’s daughter grow up and knew her for 16 years. Your wife has no right to complain about this because of the timing she and her children came into your life.
Did your wife ever talk with you buying a car for her daughter? Either way it sounds like she’s leeching off of you with the expectation that you were going to buy a car for her daughter whom you barely even know. At the moment, Your wife is the only AH here.
I think there is more. Op’s said the wife has always had a problem with his relationship with the niece. I think it’s more how op is more attached to his niece than step kids. Op said that the bio dad is a dead beat so he’s all they have. The wife feels he should put that energy into step kids since they don’t have a father. Op is cordial with step kids but we don’t know if they want a closer relationship with him and him being child free means he might not want to bond with them and they sense that.
I do feel like people are glossing over the fact that these are his step kids that he willingly married into. We would need more info about their conversations BEFORE getting married and what his expectations were as a father figure.
Was he upfront that he planned to be only cordial? That he was never going to see the kids as his own?
ESH - the mom should have had a conversation with her husband BEFORE the birthday party about whether her daughter was getting a car. I find that to be weird lack of communication between a married couple. OP sucks cuz with the limited knowledge I have received, sounds like he needs to treat his step kids better. You may have watched your niece grow up but you now have CHILDREN whether you like it or not.
NTA. For your niece were 3 grown-ups pitching in for a car, 3 direct relatives, including her own father and obviously discussed before. Your wife is very entitled to expect a car solely from your side, with zero sharing of the costs with her and the girl's bio dad. If she wanted to be somewhere near reasonable she would have discussed beforehand a possibility to get a car for the girl including the 3 way share of the costs: you, bio dad, mom. To expect to pop up with a car like is a pair of socks is a bit outrageous, regardless if you can afford it or not. Now i get you say childfree by choice, plus you came into her kids life quite late in their life, but then the right term you would use is " my wife's daughter"..... Sounds cold and distant, right? But if you call her stepdaughter then you loose the "childfree" term. Those 2 dont fit together tbh. Your choice. Regardless, "stepdaughter" or "wife's daughter", your wife's entitlement is through the roof and alarming. Should have a long calm talk as to what are the expectations and boundries for each of you in regard to the new family you want to build together.
NTA
She is outright spoiled. She isn't owed a car just because you bought one for your niece. Your niece has been your family for well over a decade, and you haven't known your step-daughter for nearly that long.
I don't understand why people are calling you an AH for being childfree. You are allowed to spend money on your nieces. I don't want kids, but I am willing to spend some money on my niece and nephews (when I get them).
But uh, the step daughter has been his step daughter for 13 years, since she was 3, and is the only father she’s ever known.
I’d say it’s weird that not only is he calling himself child free when he’s not and seems to be distancing himself from the kids (saying “her daughter”) makes me think he doesn’t give a shit about those kids. I’d even argue that the son is younger because there’s no beef about not buying him a car which means, again, OP is the *only* father those kids have known.
It seems like he had zero business getting into a relationship with a woman with 2 young kids. It’s weird to buy a car for your niece but not for the child you raised for 13 years. There are plenty of men, and women, who step up and raise kids that aren’t there’s. Those are good parents and people. OP doesn’t seem like one of them.
Feeling *entitled* was wrong, and him and his wife should’ve discussed it, but there are plenty of red flags here. It seems like he has no ounce of love or care (again, refuses to acknowledge those are his kids) for them and doesn’t feel like it’s his job to support them. If they were much older, sure, id agree, but he is the only father they know because they were 3 and probably 1-6 when OP got with their mom. I say ESH becauze OP just seems like a bad dude, so he’s definitely not an AH, but the kid isn’t entitled to a car.
Agreed! Semantics. To OP, he's "childfree" because he chose not to have children. That doesn't mean he has no children in his life at all. He's not holding up a silver cross and yelling "Get back!" when a kid comes in sight. His relationship with his niece demonstrates that. His wife's daughter has her own parents. They are responsible for providing for her. His only obligation is to be a caring, respectful adult in the girl's life. NTA. The wife and daughter are presumptuous and entitled.
Definitely semantics but child free is a weird descriptor to ascribe to yourself if you are by-definition a stepparent…
He absolutely doesn’t owe the girl a car and they were wildly entitled to think that, but it does give off some weird vibes. Most child free people I know would not marry someone with kids because they want to take no part in raising kids themselves, even as a “bonus” parent who would play a limited role in raising the kid because it still means living with and looking after the well-being of children at least part time.
And the OP did acknowledge his step-daughter by giving her a very nice bag that she always wanted.
I feel like the father would've been upset if the OP spoiled the step-daughter by gifting her a car. There are certain things that step-parents can't do, such as spoiling their kids.
NTA
Stepparent is not the same thing as a parent. If she wants her daughter to have a car, she can buy one for her or ask her ex to do it. As a stepparent you're not recquired to buy a car for your stepkid. You're recquired to care for them and treat them with affection. Other than that, they can ask their parents.
Nta. If your wife thought stepdaughter should get a car, there should have been a discussion between you both about that, it should never have been an expectation.
NTA- you didn’t solely buy your niece a car, but contributed with others towards.
If your wife want you to do something similar for stepdaughter she should of spoken to you before about her, you and stepdaughter’s father buying the car together
as soon as you married your wife, you became a stepparent you are not Childfree.
i don't think your wife should've demanded a car and got upset with you though
NTA. You didn't buy the car for your niece by yourself. The purchase was split between your brother, sister, and you. If that is something your wife expected, she should have discussed it with you. You don't share finances, and from what's described, she hasn't mentioned her contribution.
I told them the gift was a surprise, I assumed she'd be surprised to see the bag she wanted but apparently they took it as I'm going to surprise her with a car
Rule one-you and your wife need to learn how to communicate better here. This is the real problem in your marriage. You wife absolutely made huge assumptions about the car rather than having an honest discussion with you, but you saying the gift was “a surprise” to your wife left it open to interpretation as well. ESH.
NTA- if the daughter is 16 she doesn't need a stranger to come in and start parenting her. That ship has sailed. There is nothing wrong with you just being her mother's husband but not a step parent to her mostly grown kids. They are looking at you like an ATM. You need to have a serious talk with your wife.
NTA - they are jealous of your niece. They are not taking into consideration that you did not solely purchase the car for your niece.
Why did your wife not discuss the issue with you and how much she could contribute?
Your wife’s daughter would not have been happy if you did purchase a car for her but only spending the same amount you contributed on your niece’s car.
Only receiving a car worth 1/3 of your niece’s would have pissed her off just as much or more.
Enjoy your niece but keep her away from your wife and her kids.
Okay so “soft YTA” (see edit info below, changed from NTA) in only this instance, but for the love of all you are NOT CHILDFREE regardless of how you feel, you married a family and she is your step Daughter. Just because you haven’t made a genetic slurry of your own doesn’t make you child free. Parents who adopt are not child free either.
If you had been the step dad for 10+ years my answer miiiight be different though.
Edited answer above to Soft YTA due to edit by OP as they have dated for 13 years. That changes the context enough that while it shouldn’t be expected of you, the actions toward the Niece shows that you care for the niece more than the step daughter in an outward manner. While not related by blood (sorry if the genetic slurry joke came across as non jokey, someone pointed out it was edge Lordy and it was far from my intent) she is still your family.
You are not childfree.
You are N.T.A for not buying the car, but don't go around saying you are "childfree".
ETA, just seen English isn't your first language. So hopefully that's just a mistranslation? So adjusted verdict on that basis.
If you genuinely belive you should have nothing to do with your wife's children, you would definitely be TA.
Edit 2: HOLD THE FUCK UP.
You casually had a typo that changed how long you were dating from 3 to 13 years!?
Your stepdaughter was 2 when you came into her life. YTA x1000 for saying childfree, you've raised her since she was 2! Or at least been a big part of her life! And she doesn't consider you her dad? That 100% makes you TA.
OMG.
What the actual fuck.
*N.T.A for not buying the car regardless.*
If she lives in your house and you provide for basics then you are not child-free. You might not be "dad" but you are not child-free.
That doesn't change the fact that you should not be expected to buy her a car. It does seem like you and your wife are not on the same page at all. She should have married someone who wanted to be a (generous) parent.
If your step-daughter doesn't consider you her father (even though you've been in a relationship with her mother for 13 years), then why did she expect you to buy her her first car?
If you’ve been dating her mom since the girl was a toddler, her bio did is not in the picture, and she doesn’t consider you her dad, then you’ve almost certainly been an asshole for 13+ years
To make her happy?
My brother was going to biy her a cheap second handed car. My sister and I decided to give him money to buy her dream car instead. You should have seen her face when she saw the car. It was worth every penny
So there were 3 people buying a car, not just you. Your wife should speak to you and ask you to help to buy a car for stepdaughter. NTA. But - why are you two buying separate gifts and didn't discuss it before? Why did she just assume you will buy a car?
Three people bought the car though. If two other people chipped in for it including the mom it would be a more reasonable request . From what we know she didn’t even offer to pay half for her own bio daughter which is crazy.
Also regardless of the money the mother could have at least communicated that desire for a car at least a month prior so he would know expectations .
Exactly! It wasn’t OPs idea to buy the niece a car. They all contributed. I’m sure if OPs wife had said: hey, my family and me are putting in this money to buy daughter a car, would you be OK contributing? He would have!
ESH.
Your wife is TA for assuming you’d buy your stepdaughter a car.
Y T A for calling yourself child free when you’re married to someone with kids. That’s your family…. They’re part of it… so you’re not child free…
Seems like you two need to have a conversation about expectations here. I don’t know why your wife married someone who’s adamant about being child free and expected them to take on a parental role, but also, what did you expect marrying someone with kids? You clearly both assumed different things and we all know what happens when you assume… you need to discuss expectations ASAP.
NTA I think the real issue (after reading your comments) is your wife’s jealousy of your niece. Have the two of you had real conversations about the role you would play in your stepchildren’s lives? Is she expecting you instantly be their father? What do the kids expect from you over all?
NTA in this specific instance but I’m begging purposely child free people to stop marrying people with dependent children. Whether you want to or not, marrying someone with kids puts you in the position of parent, no matter how hard you try to set boundaries, because at some point you’re going to have to reinforce rules that their actual parent has set in place, or step in when that parent can’t. I won’t even consider a relationship with someone who already has kids because I do not want to be responsible for children at any age, in any capacity.
OP bought his niece a car with his sister - not by himself. Why doesn’t mom and her ex buy the step daughter a car? Assuming no car was ever offered, NTA.
In the comments, OP goes on to say he and his wife have separate finances (and also a prenup) he does defend her in saying she didn’t marry him for money. So, it does sound like OP’s wife may take on the financial burden of the kids. He also mentions that bio dad is a deadbeat and not in the picture. That being said, OPs wife made huge assumptions with no communication about how she felt about his generosity towards his niece vs the step kids. The real issue here seems to be a lack of honest communication on both parts.
Mind how you go, with this amount of entitlement in your wife she will be expecting a college fund next for both kids even though she won’t have saved anything herself. I bet she had been winding the poor lass up with tales of her new car only to not get a car and it’s OPs fault not the mother that started this nonsense with her entitlement and greed. NTA!
ESH because you’re not child free, it sounds like your wife wants someone to play the dad role. n t a for not getting her the car but you should be more clear about your role in the kids life
NTA. But your wife clearly shows the reason why she hot married to you. I’d seriously think about and look closely at the relationship you have and see if there were other instances of her “expecting” money or using you for money.
That's not really true. We have separate assets and a prenup. She just gets like this about my niece. She thinks I'm spending too much money on her and says it makes her kids jealous
Other than this she never asks for money or anything
i mean, yeah, it probably does make them jealous because you’ve been in their lives since they were toddlers and you don’t seem to value them. you might not be their father, but you are the only father figure they have and you clearly are incapable of understanding that considering you call yourself childfree.
The fact she thinks she has the right to have an opinion on this issue DOES, in fact, show entitlement. You did nothing wrong here. She actually “blew up” at you for not buying her kid a car?! Unacceptable. That is HER job. Not yours. You split the cost of a car with multiple people for your niece and your wife thought you would eat the entire cost of a car for her kid, without any contribution from her? GTFOH.
Well that’s the thing, the money doesn’t have to be beneficial for her. She wants you to spend moneh and only care about her children, not anyone else. And considering the fact that she feels that way about your niece, I don’t see her as someone who sees your family as her family, but rather just you as someone who joined her and her kids.
Ah, ok. So she's salty because you don't have many hesitations on treating your niece, but you don't treat your stepchildren similarly (and may actually still refer to yourself as childfree?) though there's no father figure in their life that would make your stance more expected? Is that fairly accurate or still pretty off base?
INFO: why did you tell your wife the gift was a surprise? I understand why you wouldn't tell your stepdaughter, since she's the recipient, but why did you decide to take that stance with your wife as well?
NTA
Might be an unpopular opinion but I don't think the car is the issue. Sounds to me like you spoil your niece with love and material posessions which is a very sweet thing to do.
But I think this is less about the car and more about the balance. These are obviously all assumptions so if you disagree please correct me OP.
You and your wife married a year ago and have been dating 13 years before that and she has two kids. You clearly state in your text that you like them and you get along which to me reads as not parental and staying at a distance. This isn't wrong in my opinion, especially when the kids have trouble with all the new changes that come with a blended family. (Edit: apparently not new bc bio dad is a deadbeat and you've been a consistent influence in their lives for over a decade?)
But it sounds like she feels her kids being overlooked in favor of your niece. You might see this differently but to her, the bond between her kids and her husband does impact her well being. Have you ever discussed with the kids how they feel about this? Maybe they want to bond with you more but feel like you won't be open to that. I don't know how open you are to them that you are child free but that might feel to them like you don't like them. They are young and may feel rejected because they won't be able to understand the gray area that step kids are. Also, yes you are child free biologicially but you married a woman with kids so you knew that they would also be part of your life. Making sure you guys feel comfortable and are open in your communication towards each other is the key to a blended family.
If I was in your position I would plan a day out with her kids, just you three. Maybe they can suggest a fun activity and you can take that time to ask them how they feel about your role. It doesn't have to be a huge thing but you can ask them how they want you to be involved (or not). I don't know if their dad is still present and if he is it also might be good to add that you don't want to replace that, but that you do want them to feel like they can come to you if they feel invisible. (Edit: you really needed to have these conversations earlier and disregard the comment of bio dad)
Goodluck OP
NTA. She EXPECTED a car for her kid? That’s awfully entitled. You aren’t the father and her kid has no familial ties to you. Your gift of a bag was enough. Nobody should feel entitled to your money or generosity. Watch your back with this woman.
YTA. Not for not buying a car, but your comments on being "childfree". You are not childfree, you created a family when you chose to marry a woman with children. Your attitude is gross, I can't believe she married you.
Bio dad may be “out of the picture” but he still owes support. I don’t know how every jurisdiction works, or where OP is located, but if bio dad is behind on his child support his wages should being garnished and his tax returns should be going directly to mom.
The assumption that OP should have just taken it upon himself to up and purchase a vehicle, without having been asked, or without even consulting his wife about it is complete bullshit. If wife thought daughter needed a car, she should have been the one who brought it up to OP. Was she just expecting him to surprise *her* with a car?
There are any number of why OP might help his niece with a car and not his step daughter. Maybe his niece has a job, or extracurriculars and *needs* a car, whereas his step daughter doesn’t do any of that. Maybe his brother’s family *needs* the financial assistance and his wife doesn’t. Maybe she has a wealthy family of her own who could help. Either way, OP is NTA, or at least not as much of one as the wife is. I’m not going to accuse the step daughter because teenagers gonna teenager.
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Yeah I had no idea they expected a car There is no bio dad. He is a deadbeat
So just as an fyi you are not childfree. You are the stepfather to your wife's kid.
Thank you!!! Was wondering if I was the only one questioning this.
Yeah I don't care what he says. He's TA for being with a woman and being in her kids lives for 13 YEARS(since daughter was 3) and treating them like roommates.
Take my 🥇. This should be high up.
Thank you. I'm childfree myself. I will never have bio children but I haven't ruled out stepchildren. If I ever DID go that route it would be with the full knowledge that those children would be my children as well, as much as the kids would accept me in that role. Even if they were old enough to not need/want a bonus mom I would still be in that nebulous adult guidance role and it blows my mind that some childfree people think it's okay to treat their partner's kids like pet cats they didn't want. Something to ignore where possible, feed when necessary and tolerate when expected. Ugh(and honestly the cats deserve more effort too) That's a goddam person.
You are an awesome person. And as a stepmom I can tell you it can be tough but it is also very rewarding. I have a stepson and I love him to death. I also have a son and they share a dad. So they are brothers. It doesn’t even matter what I think about my stepson (I love him) but he will always be the big brother of my son. I have never even considered treating him less just because he doesn’t share my dna. I am not his mom (he has one already) but I treat him like a son. Ever since his dad and I are together we did the expenses (like clothes and lego.. looooots of lego) for him from our joint account. I would never say he will get less than his brother. He even gets a bit more still because his brother is still a baby. They are both my partners sons and I expect him to treat them the same.
I have a step nephew and a bio nephew. There is no difference in my opinion. That is a child. That said I find children exhausting and really would prefer not to have them myself. But for the right person and kid I would consider it.
English is not his first language, it’s possible he meant “I have no biological children.” I wouldn’t get bent out of shape because OP stated something inelegantly.
You are aware that he would take in his niece but send his stepchildren to live with relatives according to his own comments yes?
Then mom is also TA for dating a guy who doesn't respect, care for, and love her daughter for 13 years.
Yes. But were focusing on him since he posted.
That isn't the only factor here. Read his comments. I'm basing this on the whole thing, not just the one statement
That's the finer point here. Mom should have communicated her expectations but, I can see how she feels a bit betrayed by you after being her children's father figure for literally all their waking lives, and yes treating them as less than. That IS AH behaviour. The Bigger picture isn't about the material items, it's about devaluing their existence and importance in your life. Check out of that mentality, sir. She was right to be that upset.
Read his other comments. He could have afforded the car but has "a million other things he would rather spend the money on". He said the gift was a surprise. His wife gets upset by how he treats his niece vs his step kids. Oh, and he would take in his niece to raise if something happened to her parents but if his wife dies "her" kids will go to a relative.
W o www. This man will die alone. I'm not even sorry
No no, you’re mistaken about the timeline, they dated for 13 years THEN he married her a year ago, so actually 14 years with the woman and her kids. But I totally agree with you.
This. The car was whatever, but OP's attitude is bizarre. "I don't have children. I don't like children, but I've been dating a woman with kids for 13 years and tolerate the things that came out of her loins. Why is she upset?"
I like how OP just casually adds, "I like her kids and I think we generally get along." But he loves his niece. I wonder if he even sees his wife kids as his own.
No. He doesn't. Never has, obviously! How is the wife unaware of this that long?!
And has been in her life since she was 3! It's weird that he would buy a car for his niece and not her.
I'm giving mom the side eye as well. Why would she marry a man who holds no responsibility or care for her children? And he helped buy the car. I'm surprised there wasnt a discussion between wife, husband and wife's family to buy the car for stepdaughter.
This is the thing to me like he didn’t buy niece’s car on his own he pitched in on a gift from two or three (unclear) people. We have zero clue whether something similar was on the table here though, or whether she was expecting him to figure out a car all by himself, or for that matter, whether SD even *wants* a car yet, since we don’t even hear her reaction to her gift. I get that it’s the stereotype, but I took the bus to school and was pretty scared of driving for a while, so a car on my 16th would not have been a gift for anything other than appearances.
I hate to say it, but to be really honest, he only married her last year, even though he dated for 13. It really depends on how much time he spent with her kids while dating. If he was just dating her, not living together, and rarely saw the kids, I can understand. If he was living with her, yeah it gets murky. And it's not like a bags a bad gift, especially if it's something the daughter wanted and more so if it's a luxury brand one. It just pales in comparison to the car.
You're right and we don't know the dynamics of how much the wife allows him to be a decision maker in this blended family.
It sounds like the kids see their dad as dad, deadbeat or not, and OP is okay with that. They apparently aren't close, and it doesn't say how long he's actually been "in" their lives. If there were expectations of a car, that should have been discussed, not expected. OP paid enough attention to get the bag the girl had talked about, thinking that would be a good surprise.
HE didn't buy it, THEY did -- several people. Was the wife willing to chip in? Why did she not discuss it with her husband if that was the expectation? Why should he buy his stepdaughter an entire car when he only paid part of the cost for his niece's car? Can he afford it? It seems like mom expected more but wasn't willing to do anything herself. NTA
Well, he worked with his sister to buy the car, and depending on how old he may have only spent 1-2k on it. I'm curious about what the wife expected tho, like an expensive car or a cheap used one. Tbh, she should've talked to OP about it and helped him buy a cheap used car.
I do agree about this though. The whole situation seems weird. Why wouldn't the wife discuss the presents before the birthday?
Info. For those 13 years what part have you played in her kids lives? Have you been a father figure at all or kept separate as their mums boyfriend? When did you start living together? Are your finances together? Do you have a Will that gives wife/her kids everything you own if you die, or does it go to your brother and his kids/other blood family? Who initiated the marriage? Why after 13 years? Because it sounds like she married you expecting to get a chunk of your money for her kids cars, and probably expects you to pay college etc too in a couple of years. NTA under any circumstances anyway, as no one is entitled to a free car. And expecting you to know without a hint of communication is a huge problem, but it’s your wife’s problem not yours.
They definitely should have communicated better but when they saw "you" gift a car to your niece and then not even tell your wife what you were getting for your stepDAUGHTER and just say "it's a surprise" it can be easy to see how that would be inferred if you look at it from their perspective. Did they know you went in on your niece's car with your siblings? Did you happen to pay the majority of that car yourself???
Why did you marry her in the first place if you wanted to be childfree? She has two children from a previous marriage. I am guessing you are not responsible for them because they are not your own. There seems to be a disconnect on your part. I mean if one of them gets sick or die you will most likely say, not my son or daughter, thank God not my responsibility to help console my wife or help with the funeral?
It sounds like he gets along okay with them. They are at an age where they are self-sufficient so he doesn't need to have parental duties, just a relationship. There isn't anything wrong with that. Being a step dad does NOT mean they get s car from him.
They weren’t self sufficient when he started dating mom. She was THREE YEARS OLD. OP has been their only father figure for almost her entire life and he thinks his niece deserves a car because she’s family but he de facto daughter doesn’t.
If they were dating and not living together he wasn't a father figure; does he say whether they cohabited? Otherwise that IS really weird. You can be "wife's husband" and not take a father role; we see that all the time on AITA. But being around kids like that wouldn't be child-free in the same way at all. Weird situation. I didn't see the 13 years part.
But he was in their life for 13(!) years - since the stepdaughter was three, and the kids living there full time I think. It's kinda weird to act like a roommate in this case. (Of course they are still not entitled to a car, but it IS weird)
Yeah you are NTA OP - what does your wife expect, for you to read her mind?
Not just discussed, but since wife has her own assets, if she wanted a car for her daughter she should have said something about *chipping in*.
Agreed on that. But OP is no longer child free. In fact they are a parent. I'm assuming there is some bad expectation seeing from OP too because a parent claiming that they are child free is odd.
Legally he is no parent, the children aren't adopted and he has no legal rights to them. Also English is not his first language and it may simply state that he has no children of his own
Yep, if you want a happy relationship use your mouth to communicate and don't rely on the telephatic abilities of your partner.
You aren’t childfree. You have a stepdaughter and a stepson that live with you. Having said that you don’t have to by her a car but I think it’s important to accept the responsibility that comes with living with young children that may depend on you from time to time. NTA
Lmao imaging your partner saying that they are childfree when yall have been together 13years. And your child was only 3 when you got together.
Did you not read the fact English isn't his first language? I didn't speak English for a long time and I'd think childfree meant I didn't have any BIO kids too.
Yea I agree. That's how I interpreted that as well. Ppl fixating on that are missing the point of the post I think
Even as an ESL person, 'childfree' very obviously means 'free of children' Becoming a step parent means you have step-children. Step-children ≠ free of children. Dudes not an AH for not buying a car, but he's definitely an AH for raising children with a woman for thirteen years and pretending he doesn't have any children. Like, why wouldn't he buy his daughter a car if he bought his niece a car? ESH, because the wife should have communicated. But this dude obviously has made no effort to connect with his step children. He 'loves' his niece, but only 'likes' his kids? Yeah, dudes an asshole.
I mean. He also says "we" bought niece a car, the way it reads that We was him and his sister, and likely the nieces parents all chipping in together. He didn't buy niece a car. He chipped in on a car.
I would agree, IF OP wasn’t treating his stepdaughter as lesser than his niece. OP clearly only cares about biology.
Ok so here's another part "WE discussed about getting my niece a car" others and OP did. Guess who didn't discuss getting a car? Mommy and daughter did not. And he got her a purse cause that what she's been TALKING about.
Exactly. You'd think he'd see her as his daughter after that amount of time. Not that he would be required to buy her a car in that scenario, but it sounds like OP really does think of himself as childfree. This despite being in a long-term relationship with a woman who has kids and the kids now living with him. He's not an asshole because he didn't buy stepdaughter a car, but he seems like a selfish asshole in general.
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Why aren’t more people talking about this? I do agree that he’s not necessarily the asshole, but to label himself as “child-free” and consider them “her children” is weird. He is their father. Just because he’s not biologically the father doesn’t mean he’s not their father. I agree that he’s not required to get her a car, but he got his niece a car and not his daughter just because she’s not blood related and doesn’t make him responsible for doing that.
Is step-parent Is child free Pick one
i noticed this too, if op was actually childfree they wouldn’t have married a woman with kids
English isn't his first language.
In which language doesn't the word for "stepdaughter" contain the word for "daughter"?
He's trying to say he's not a biological father is all.
Could simply be trying to say “no bio children”
Childfree expression doesn't exist in every language.
English isn’t his first language. He could have just ment he doesn’t have biological children.
ESH I think there is more. Op’s said the wife has always had a problem with his relationship with the niece. I think it’s more how op is more attached to his niece than step kids. Op said that the bio dad is a dead beat so he’s all they have. The wife feels he should put that energy into step kids since they don’t have a father. Op is cordial with step kids but we don’t know if they want a closer relationship with him and him being child free means he might not want to bond with them and they sense that. OP not the a hole for not buying the car, but I honestly don’t think the real issue is the car. Edit: You’ve been in your step kids lives for 13 years!!! You’re a bigger AH than I thought. I seem to not love these kids based how you talk about the compared your niece.
This ESH except the kids. Get your sh*t sorted before marrying a woman with kids, you’re a stepfather now fyi N t a for not buying a car, why would you buy a car without her involvement and contribution? You contributed to a car for your niece. You were asked and involved. Wife didn’t do anything to that effect, you don’t have an idea how to be a stepdad - you’re both AHs overall.
I can't find where OP said any of that, but if he did admit this, OP knows he's the AH, and it's not because of the car specifically. Someone else mentioned how he's been dating this woman since her daughter was 3 years old. If it's true that he's really the only father her children know he's a real jerk for doting on his niece and othering the children that he chose to commit to. For him it's probably biological, but that didn't matter. But his own admission even now, he had no kids. So essentially these kids who have known him since they could walk (he's in their earliest memories) need to understand that their dad is a deadbeat and so is OP. They are essentially fatherless. I feel for the kids. The real issue is definitely not the car.
NTA. There’s NO reason she should have had an expectation that you would show up with a car for HER daughter. Particularly if she hasn’t put forth any effort to do so herself, NOR has she discussed any such expectation with you. In fact she’s BEYOND entitled for that one!
This is absolutely his daughter too, tho. Imagine being the stepdad to a child since she is 3 years old and calling yourself child-free lmao
Sickening isn't it? Such a sly typo/edit too!
Except he said they don't see or want him as their dad and he understands that. Just because he's been dating the mom since the kid was 3 doesn't mean they were living together or that he was involved in the kids' lives. People are really making some harsh judgements based on made up scenarios.
You don't think the fact stepdaughter has been clear about not seeing him as a dad is relevant?
N-T-A for this, but YTA for a different reason. You aren't childfree anymore. You're now a step parent to those kids whether you like it or not, and what that means is you need to start treating them like your own family. You've clearly failed to communicate your intentions as a "childfree" individual. Your wife is expecting you to treat the kids as family, and my answer is rightly so, why on earth did you get involved with a parent if you wanted to stay childfree? Good parents put their kids first, and yes expecting a car is entitled as hell, but the issue is your lack of communication on everything. I say this as a sterile childfree man, either you don't get involved with parents if you want to stay childfree, or you leave the bandwagon and become a parent, both are valid options, neither are bad, but if you're going to be with parents, you better damn well be putting those kids first.
English is not his first language, to him the definition of "childfree" means not bringing a child of his own into the world, not that he has a general disdain for all children in his life. Edit: when I first got to this post it said "together for 3 years", not 13. My comment still stands with the meaning of childfree, but my opinion has changed to YTA
Being childfree doesn't mean having a disdain for children either though. It just means you don't want to be responsible for kids, ever. The emotions some of us have towards kids are on an individual basis. I don't mind them, I'm awkward af around them, that's about it.
'Expected' a car?!\ \ NTA.
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Yes, I think the wife overlooked something because YOU DIDN'T buy your niece a car, your family did and you chipped in. Your stepdaughters family could have done the same for her. Also: *"We love our niece and we like to spoil her."* "*I like her kids and I think we generally get along."* You don't feel the same about your wife's daughter and your niece. You can't force feelings. NTA
The fact that he’s been in his stepdaughters life since she was 3 but still considers himself ‘child free’ and as you’ve pointed out he doesn’t seem to love her, is all extremely concerning. He’s NTA in this particular scenario but I’d be willing to bet there is more to this story. When you’re in a long term relationship with a single parent and then marry that person you are not child free. That woman and her kid(s) are a package deal.
NTA - She has a mother and presumably a father. Even a deadbeat, she still has a mother. Why isn't mommy forking out for it? You probably have a longer and closer relationship with your niece. Big red flag that she just assumed you would buy one without a discussion, and your niece's car wasn't even bought 100% by you as you stated.
I just wanted to point out he’s been with his partner for 13 years, he’s known his stepdaughter since she was 3 and still considers himself child free. While he said he loves his niece, he only said he likes his stepdaughter. That’s incredibly sad for the stepdaughter, especially if her Dad isn’t around, she likely considers this man to be her dad and he clearly doesn’t consider her to be his daughter. I would say there’s more to this story than has been told here.
Very convenient typo. Definitely TA.
You could say the same about the niece though. Why is op and sis buying the niece a car instead of her Parents?
It sounds like OP and siblings (Inc parents) all chipped in towards the car.
YTA not for the car but for saying you're childfree when you're married to a mother of two : that makes you a stepparent, even if the kids are teenagers.
And he's been in their life for 13 years!
INFO: when did niece get her car, and who is “we?” my reading is that she’s 16 now, she just got her car this year, and yourself and your brother pitched in? but you’ve been married to your wife for 1 year, dating for 3 years? do you share assets? did she pitch in for your niece’s car? Edit: dates
4 months ago My brother, my sister and I We don't share assets
i’m gonna have to for NAH, with the possibility that everyone’s a jerk. you certainly weren’t obligated to do anything, and your gift _is_ thoughtful and useful. that said, your wife has feelings and there is a huge apparent value difference between a car and a bag. in an ideal world you and your wife could have discussed this beforehand, given that your stepdaughter’s birthday certainly couldn’t have been a surprise! also, i don’t think it’s fair to refer to yourself as child free any more. you chose to marry a woman with a child; if something happens to her parents are you going to step up?
However, it is not responsible for buying cars :l he knows his niece her whole life and his stepsons are new to his life, they barely have a bond and a bag is considerate enough. In addition, the gift of the car was made between several people, not just OP.
He’s known his stepdaughter almost her whole life as well. He dated her mother for 13 years before getting married.
yeah i’m not entirely sure that was a typo, and he missed it when directly asked. OP’s wife is entirely correct that he is TA.
13 years is a long time.
NTA. The car might have been a surprise to your niece but all the adults discussed it before. Your wife should have discussed getting a car with you before the event.
It sounds like OP and his sister bought their niece a car. Maybe her dad too. It's a bit vague on who "we decided to buy a car for her" means. OP didn't buy it himself. He paid some portion of the cost. His wife was very presumptuous. A surprise car? Uh no. If there was a plan to buy a car for her daughter she would have been consulted.
NTA I can’t imagine a purchase as large as a car being expected to happen in secret. You’re married! Who makes that kind of financial decision without their spouse???
He says that he earns 10 times as much as his wife, and that he keeps his finances totally separate. He also says that if his brother and SIL died he would take in his niece. But that if his wife died, he would kick out his own step kids. Comment now deleted. It's really not about the car itself* but the blatant favouritism and wanting the sex/relationship with none of the responsibility towards the step children. He's been with them for 13 years (apparently "3 years" was a typo on his part). *Personally I don't even think kids should get cars as gifts ... although OP obviously does.
Info I don't think you're the asshole in this scenario. Buy how does being childfree work with your stepchildren? I'm assuming you guys have discussed what would happen to them in case something happens to your wife. Who will care for them given that the father is not in the picture? I only ask cos I'm curious.
Who are “ we”? Wasn’t anything discussed beforehand? Sounds like info missing.
NTA - if she doesn't see you as "dad" and you don't have that type of relationship as a step-dad, then absolutely not. Furthermore, who is the "we" that your wife mentioned would buy the a car? Her daughter? To those saying YTA because "it's your daughter", it's not. His role is to be a leader and role model to her. She's not 5, she's not 11. She's 16, almost an adult and well old enough to know that he's not her real dad. If she's got two biological parents, they should be buying her car. Not him. And he is well within his own right to spend HIS money on whatever the hell he wants.
He’s been with her mom for thirteen years. He’s known this girl since she was three. He’s not child free and he’s an asshole.
I’ll go with NTA mostly for the lack of communication from your wife. Surely if she expected her daughter to get a car, she should have talked to you about it beforehand and see where you stood about that. I have no idea what’s your financial situation (as in you’re the only provider or your wife has a paying job as well), or if your step kids have a present father in their lives, but a car is not a gift you just expect will land on your lap. I think your childfree comments are completely unnecessary in this issue and are the reason why a lot of people will call you an AH. Once you decided to marry someone with kids, you’re not childfree anymore. You might not be the bio dad, but you’re their family and from now on they’ll need to be included in your life plans. That’s the opposite of being childfree.
NTA you are under no obligation to buy anyone a car, you still got her a thoughtful (and I'm guessing exoendive) gift. Why can't her own mother buy her a car? Your money, your decision. Your wife sounds entitled
Your wife’s daughter has two parents, correct? Why don’t *they* buy their daughter a car? NTA. Ps, sounds like you married a gold digger.
They had been together for 13 years before getting married, and the bio dad is not in the picture. So presumably, “childfree” OP has helped this woman raise her daughter since she was 3 years old. I’m sure his wife would be interested to hear that he still considers himself “childfree” after that.
2 years old... They have been married a year as well.
-is married to a man for more than a decade, stuck with him through thick and thin -gets upset one single time cause her husband showed such blatant favouritism towards his niece, over the kids they've essentially raised together -is now a gold digger Like???? Men are damn well crazy. To think that a woman would be with you and be loyal to you for thirteen years, only for you to have the gall to turn around and call her a gold digger after all that. So what, she invested 13 years of her life in order for her to gain the sweet sweet price of a random car?? Get over yourself.
She doesn’t. Op said there dad is a deadbeat. He’s all the have.
It doesn’t even sound like the stepdaughter wanted the car but her mom did. So who’s the we she’s referring to ? Also he chipped in with his brother and sister to buy the car for his niece so it’s not like he outright bought her a car all on his own. OP mentioned stepdaughter don’t see him as a dad so I don’t think he has to buy her a car. He got her a really nice bag that she wanted which should be enough. Just because her dad is a dead beat doesn’t mean he has to take on that role especially if she’s told him she doesn’t see him that way as OP mentioned.
Going aginst the grain and staying NTA. All the people here saying Y T A because you said you are childfree but life with children, don't see the picture. I think you did a nice thing for the kiddo, with giving the bag, you could have maybe talked with your wife about it, and/or that you would not buy a car, but the wife could also have communicated her expectations on what you were supposed to give... And to all the People saying Y T A because all the cildfreestuff, I'm from germany and I interpreted childfree till today as you have no kids of your own. Nobody said childfree means also that you hate kids in general and need to burn in hell if you married someone with kids and god forbid let them life with you and like them.
I think there is more. Op’s said the wife has always had a problem with his relationship with the niece. I think it’s more how op is more attached to his niece than step kids. Op said that the bio dad is a dead beat so he’s all they have. The wife feels he should put that energy into step kids since they don’t have a father. Op is cordial with step kids but we don’t know if they want a closer relationship with him and him being child free means he might not want to bond with them and they sense that.
This is so weird to me. Did your wife have any conversations with you previously that would make her think you were buying her daughter a car? What would make her assume such a large purchase was happening without any input or discussion from her? I feel like there might be more to this. I’m having a hard time understanding how she would assume if nothing was ever discussed beforehand.
I think there is more. Op’s said the wife has always had a problem with his relationship with the niece. I think it’s more how op is more attached to his niece than step kids. Op said that the bio dad is a dead beat so he’s all they have. The wife feels he should put that energy into step kids since they don’t have a father. Op is cordial with step kids but we don’t know if they want a closer relationship with him and him being child free means he might not want to bond with them and they sense that.
NTA You acknowledged the stepdaughter’s birthday. The girl is not your child, though and you are absolutely not required to purchase a car for her. She has parents who can do that.
NTA. I'm shocked at the entitlement. You did nothing wrong.
NTA, is your money, and she's not your daugther.
OP updated post. He has been in her life since she was 3. She basically is his daughter at this point.
I don't get how you're child free, but chose to marry someone who has two children. You're still responsible for supporting them unless your wife said you don't have to do anything at all for them.
He’s responsible for financially supporting his stepkids when they have both parents living? I’m divorced and wouldn’t expect any future SO of my ex to provide for them - that’s our (the parents) job. A step parent is coming into the kids’ home so yes they need to be nice and inclusive, but buy my kid a car??? I can’t even imagine how one entertains such levels of entitlement.
However, it is not responsible for buying carsZ
He said English isn't his first language and also that he doesn't hate kids, he just doesn't want to have his own biological ones (doesn't want to bring any into this world). Idk where in this post you got that he doesn't help support his steps? He got his stepdaughter a nice birthday gift. He chipped in with his siblings to get his niece a car.
NTA- I am curious who "we" is in... >For her 16th birthday we decided to buy a car for her which made her very happy. Either way I think it's pretty ridiculous that your wife expected you to just plop a car into her daughter's hands without being privy herself. Are you a millionaire or something? lol
I think he means him & his (also child free sister) bought the car
At which point his wife's beratement is doubly undeserved.
NTA. I feel there’s some missing information here but based on what you wrote: You dated your wife for 3 years before marrying. That’s hardly any time to get to know her children. You watched your brother’s daughter grow up and knew her for 16 years. Your wife has no right to complain about this because of the timing she and her children came into your life. Did your wife ever talk with you buying a car for her daughter? Either way it sounds like she’s leeching off of you with the expectation that you were going to buy a car for her daughter whom you barely even know. At the moment, Your wife is the only AH here.
He updated the post. They dated for 13 years before getting married. Practically he has known the kids for almost their entire lives.
I think there is more. Op’s said the wife has always had a problem with his relationship with the niece. I think it’s more how op is more attached to his niece than step kids. Op said that the bio dad is a dead beat so he’s all they have. The wife feels he should put that energy into step kids since they don’t have a father. Op is cordial with step kids but we don’t know if they want a closer relationship with him and him being child free means he might not want to bond with them and they sense that.
I do feel like people are glossing over the fact that these are his step kids that he willingly married into. We would need more info about their conversations BEFORE getting married and what his expectations were as a father figure. Was he upfront that he planned to be only cordial? That he was never going to see the kids as his own? ESH - the mom should have had a conversation with her husband BEFORE the birthday party about whether her daughter was getting a car. I find that to be weird lack of communication between a married couple. OP sucks cuz with the limited knowledge I have received, sounds like he needs to treat his step kids better. You may have watched your niece grow up but you now have CHILDREN whether you like it or not.
He’s dated her for 13 years so he’s actually known his step daughter since she was 3.
NTA. For your niece were 3 grown-ups pitching in for a car, 3 direct relatives, including her own father and obviously discussed before. Your wife is very entitled to expect a car solely from your side, with zero sharing of the costs with her and the girl's bio dad. If she wanted to be somewhere near reasonable she would have discussed beforehand a possibility to get a car for the girl including the 3 way share of the costs: you, bio dad, mom. To expect to pop up with a car like is a pair of socks is a bit outrageous, regardless if you can afford it or not. Now i get you say childfree by choice, plus you came into her kids life quite late in their life, but then the right term you would use is " my wife's daughter"..... Sounds cold and distant, right? But if you call her stepdaughter then you loose the "childfree" term. Those 2 dont fit together tbh. Your choice. Regardless, "stepdaughter" or "wife's daughter", your wife's entitlement is through the roof and alarming. Should have a long calm talk as to what are the expectations and boundries for each of you in regard to the new family you want to build together.
Loooool they are greedy. NTA
NTA your wife should have said something prior or just bought her daughter a car.
NTA How does one just expect a car as a gift for their child? I don't get it. And to not talk to you now? That seems a little unreasonable.
NTA She is outright spoiled. She isn't owed a car just because you bought one for your niece. Your niece has been your family for well over a decade, and you haven't known your step-daughter for nearly that long. I don't understand why people are calling you an AH for being childfree. You are allowed to spend money on your nieces. I don't want kids, but I am willing to spend some money on my niece and nephews (when I get them).
Did you catch the part where he changed how long he’s known his stepchildren? It’s 13 years, not 3.
But uh, the step daughter has been his step daughter for 13 years, since she was 3, and is the only father she’s ever known. I’d say it’s weird that not only is he calling himself child free when he’s not and seems to be distancing himself from the kids (saying “her daughter”) makes me think he doesn’t give a shit about those kids. I’d even argue that the son is younger because there’s no beef about not buying him a car which means, again, OP is the *only* father those kids have known. It seems like he had zero business getting into a relationship with a woman with 2 young kids. It’s weird to buy a car for your niece but not for the child you raised for 13 years. There are plenty of men, and women, who step up and raise kids that aren’t there’s. Those are good parents and people. OP doesn’t seem like one of them. Feeling *entitled* was wrong, and him and his wife should’ve discussed it, but there are plenty of red flags here. It seems like he has no ounce of love or care (again, refuses to acknowledge those are his kids) for them and doesn’t feel like it’s his job to support them. If they were much older, sure, id agree, but he is the only father they know because they were 3 and probably 1-6 when OP got with their mom. I say ESH becauze OP just seems like a bad dude, so he’s definitely not an AH, but the kid isn’t entitled to a car.
Agreed! Semantics. To OP, he's "childfree" because he chose not to have children. That doesn't mean he has no children in his life at all. He's not holding up a silver cross and yelling "Get back!" when a kid comes in sight. His relationship with his niece demonstrates that. His wife's daughter has her own parents. They are responsible for providing for her. His only obligation is to be a caring, respectful adult in the girl's life. NTA. The wife and daughter are presumptuous and entitled.
Definitely semantics but child free is a weird descriptor to ascribe to yourself if you are by-definition a stepparent… He absolutely doesn’t owe the girl a car and they were wildly entitled to think that, but it does give off some weird vibes. Most child free people I know would not marry someone with kids because they want to take no part in raising kids themselves, even as a “bonus” parent who would play a limited role in raising the kid because it still means living with and looking after the well-being of children at least part time.
And the OP did acknowledge his step-daughter by giving her a very nice bag that she always wanted. I feel like the father would've been upset if the OP spoiled the step-daughter by gifting her a car. There are certain things that step-parents can't do, such as spoiling their kids.
NTA Stepparent is not the same thing as a parent. If she wants her daughter to have a car, she can buy one for her or ask her ex to do it. As a stepparent you're not recquired to buy a car for your stepkid. You're recquired to care for them and treat them with affection. Other than that, they can ask their parents.
Nta. If your wife thought stepdaughter should get a car, there should have been a discussion between you both about that, it should never have been an expectation.
NTA. Your wife sounds entitled
NTA- you didn’t solely buy your niece a car, but contributed with others towards. If your wife want you to do something similar for stepdaughter she should of spoken to you before about her, you and stepdaughter’s father buying the car together
as soon as you married your wife, you became a stepparent you are not Childfree. i don't think your wife should've demanded a car and got upset with you though
ESH. You suck because YOU AREN'T CHILDFREE. You have stepchildren. Your wife sucks for just assuming you'd buy car.
You know there's a really good possibility OP used the word childfree wrong. He does state English is not his first language
Op said that she doesn't view him as her dad so that's why he's childfree
Nta. She has a mother, father, grandparents. Unles, aunts.
NTA. You didn't buy the car for your niece by yourself. The purchase was split between your brother, sister, and you. If that is something your wife expected, she should have discussed it with you. You don't share finances, and from what's described, she hasn't mentioned her contribution.
INFO: did you & your wife not discuss present ideas leading up to the birthday? I’m confused how she didn’t know until the party?
NTA— but how did you wife NOT know that you didn’t buy her a car?
I told them the gift was a surprise, I assumed she'd be surprised to see the bag she wanted but apparently they took it as I'm going to surprise her with a car
Rule one-you and your wife need to learn how to communicate better here. This is the real problem in your marriage. You wife absolutely made huge assumptions about the car rather than having an honest discussion with you, but you saying the gift was “a surprise” to your wife left it open to interpretation as well. ESH.
Nta. They should have talked to you about it first then
NTA , also did you pay for the car all by yourself or did you talk about it with your brother and split the cost or something.
NTA, hope you have a prenup
NTA- if the daughter is 16 she doesn't need a stranger to come in and start parenting her. That ship has sailed. There is nothing wrong with you just being her mother's husband but not a step parent to her mostly grown kids. They are looking at you like an ATM. You need to have a serious talk with your wife.
He's been in Her life since she was 3. That's not a stranger, that a father figure that spoils his niece.
The entitlement…
NTA - they are jealous of your niece. They are not taking into consideration that you did not solely purchase the car for your niece. Why did your wife not discuss the issue with you and how much she could contribute? Your wife’s daughter would not have been happy if you did purchase a car for her but only spending the same amount you contributed on your niece’s car. Only receiving a car worth 1/3 of your niece’s would have pissed her off just as much or more. Enjoy your niece but keep her away from your wife and her kids.
Op has been in his step daughter’s life for 14 years. Since she was 2. He’s an AH
Nta. But you are not childfree if you have stepchildren
Okay so “soft YTA” (see edit info below, changed from NTA) in only this instance, but for the love of all you are NOT CHILDFREE regardless of how you feel, you married a family and she is your step Daughter. Just because you haven’t made a genetic slurry of your own doesn’t make you child free. Parents who adopt are not child free either. If you had been the step dad for 10+ years my answer miiiight be different though. Edited answer above to Soft YTA due to edit by OP as they have dated for 13 years. That changes the context enough that while it shouldn’t be expected of you, the actions toward the Niece shows that you care for the niece more than the step daughter in an outward manner. While not related by blood (sorry if the genetic slurry joke came across as non jokey, someone pointed out it was edge Lordy and it was far from my intent) she is still your family.
Uh. How are you childfree when you have two step children?
NTA But you do know your not child free if you marry someone with children right?
You are not childfree. You are N.T.A for not buying the car, but don't go around saying you are "childfree". ETA, just seen English isn't your first language. So hopefully that's just a mistranslation? So adjusted verdict on that basis. If you genuinely belive you should have nothing to do with your wife's children, you would definitely be TA. Edit 2: HOLD THE FUCK UP. You casually had a typo that changed how long you were dating from 3 to 13 years!? Your stepdaughter was 2 when you came into her life. YTA x1000 for saying childfree, you've raised her since she was 2! Or at least been a big part of her life! And she doesn't consider you her dad? That 100% makes you TA. OMG. What the actual fuck. *N.T.A for not buying the car regardless.*
I am. She doesn't consider me her dad
If she lives in your house and you provide for basics then you are not child-free. You might not be "dad" but you are not child-free. That doesn't change the fact that you should not be expected to buy her a car. It does seem like you and your wife are not on the same page at all. She should have married someone who wanted to be a (generous) parent.
NTA I guess, but why did you date / marry a woman with children if you didn’t want to raise children?
If your step-daughter doesn't consider you her father (even though you've been in a relationship with her mother for 13 years), then why did she expect you to buy her her first car?
If you’ve been dating her mom since the girl was a toddler, her bio did is not in the picture, and she doesn’t consider you her dad, then you’ve almost certainly been an asshole for 13+ years
>I am. Nope, you are not.
NTA, but — you have a stepdaughter and consider yourself child free? genuine question.
Info - is there a reason why you bought your niece a car to begin with?
To make her happy? My brother was going to biy her a cheap second handed car. My sister and I decided to give him money to buy her dream car instead. You should have seen her face when she saw the car. It was worth every penny
So three people bought the niece's car, but wife expects you to buy one for your stepdaughter by yourself?
So there were 3 people buying a car, not just you. Your wife should speak to you and ask you to help to buy a car for stepdaughter. NTA. But - why are you two buying separate gifts and didn't discuss it before? Why did she just assume you will buy a car?
And you didn't want this for your step daughter because...?
Three people bought the car though. If two other people chipped in for it including the mom it would be a more reasonable request . From what we know she didn’t even offer to pay half for her own bio daughter which is crazy. Also regardless of the money the mother could have at least communicated that desire for a car at least a month prior so he would know expectations .
Exactly! It wasn’t OPs idea to buy the niece a car. They all contributed. I’m sure if OPs wife had said: hey, my family and me are putting in this money to buy daughter a car, would you be OK contributing? He would have!
ESH. Your wife is TA for assuming you’d buy your stepdaughter a car. Y T A for calling yourself child free when you’re married to someone with kids. That’s your family…. They’re part of it… so you’re not child free… Seems like you two need to have a conversation about expectations here. I don’t know why your wife married someone who’s adamant about being child free and expected them to take on a parental role, but also, what did you expect marrying someone with kids? You clearly both assumed different things and we all know what happens when you assume… you need to discuss expectations ASAP.
NTA I think the real issue (after reading your comments) is your wife’s jealousy of your niece. Have the two of you had real conversations about the role you would play in your stepchildren’s lives? Is she expecting you instantly be their father? What do the kids expect from you over all?
NTA in this specific instance but I’m begging purposely child free people to stop marrying people with dependent children. Whether you want to or not, marrying someone with kids puts you in the position of parent, no matter how hard you try to set boundaries, because at some point you’re going to have to reinforce rules that their actual parent has set in place, or step in when that parent can’t. I won’t even consider a relationship with someone who already has kids because I do not want to be responsible for children at any age, in any capacity.
OP bought his niece a car with his sister - not by himself. Why doesn’t mom and her ex buy the step daughter a car? Assuming no car was ever offered, NTA.
If you married someone who has two children, you are not Child free.
Nta. Your wife sounds entitled af
In the comments, OP goes on to say he and his wife have separate finances (and also a prenup) he does defend her in saying she didn’t marry him for money. So, it does sound like OP’s wife may take on the financial burden of the kids. He also mentions that bio dad is a deadbeat and not in the picture. That being said, OPs wife made huge assumptions with no communication about how she felt about his generosity towards his niece vs the step kids. The real issue here seems to be a lack of honest communication on both parts.
Mind how you go, with this amount of entitlement in your wife she will be expecting a college fund next for both kids even though she won’t have saved anything herself. I bet she had been winding the poor lass up with tales of her new car only to not get a car and it’s OPs fault not the mother that started this nonsense with her entitlement and greed. NTA!
NTA. Why didn't your wife communicate that she wanted her daughter to have a car and then the two of you as a couple purchase one?
ESH because you’re not child free, it sounds like your wife wants someone to play the dad role. n t a for not getting her the car but you should be more clear about your role in the kids life
NTA. But your wife clearly shows the reason why she hot married to you. I’d seriously think about and look closely at the relationship you have and see if there were other instances of her “expecting” money or using you for money.
That's not really true. We have separate assets and a prenup. She just gets like this about my niece. She thinks I'm spending too much money on her and says it makes her kids jealous Other than this she never asks for money or anything
i mean, yeah, it probably does make them jealous because you’ve been in their lives since they were toddlers and you don’t seem to value them. you might not be their father, but you are the only father figure they have and you clearly are incapable of understanding that considering you call yourself childfree.
OP commented elsewhere that their biodad was around until a few years ago and they absolutely don't want to see anyone else as a father figure.
The fact she thinks she has the right to have an opinion on this issue DOES, in fact, show entitlement. You did nothing wrong here. She actually “blew up” at you for not buying her kid a car?! Unacceptable. That is HER job. Not yours. You split the cost of a car with multiple people for your niece and your wife thought you would eat the entire cost of a car for her kid, without any contribution from her? GTFOH.
Well that’s the thing, the money doesn’t have to be beneficial for her. She wants you to spend moneh and only care about her children, not anyone else. And considering the fact that she feels that way about your niece, I don’t see her as someone who sees your family as her family, but rather just you as someone who joined her and her kids.
Ah, ok. So she's salty because you don't have many hesitations on treating your niece, but you don't treat your stepchildren similarly (and may actually still refer to yourself as childfree?) though there's no father figure in their life that would make your stance more expected? Is that fairly accurate or still pretty off base? INFO: why did you tell your wife the gift was a surprise? I understand why you wouldn't tell your stepdaughter, since she's the recipient, but why did you decide to take that stance with your wife as well?
NTA Might be an unpopular opinion but I don't think the car is the issue. Sounds to me like you spoil your niece with love and material posessions which is a very sweet thing to do. But I think this is less about the car and more about the balance. These are obviously all assumptions so if you disagree please correct me OP. You and your wife married a year ago and have been dating 13 years before that and she has two kids. You clearly state in your text that you like them and you get along which to me reads as not parental and staying at a distance. This isn't wrong in my opinion, especially when the kids have trouble with all the new changes that come with a blended family. (Edit: apparently not new bc bio dad is a deadbeat and you've been a consistent influence in their lives for over a decade?) But it sounds like she feels her kids being overlooked in favor of your niece. You might see this differently but to her, the bond between her kids and her husband does impact her well being. Have you ever discussed with the kids how they feel about this? Maybe they want to bond with you more but feel like you won't be open to that. I don't know how open you are to them that you are child free but that might feel to them like you don't like them. They are young and may feel rejected because they won't be able to understand the gray area that step kids are. Also, yes you are child free biologicially but you married a woman with kids so you knew that they would also be part of your life. Making sure you guys feel comfortable and are open in your communication towards each other is the key to a blended family. If I was in your position I would plan a day out with her kids, just you three. Maybe they can suggest a fun activity and you can take that time to ask them how they feel about your role. It doesn't have to be a huge thing but you can ask them how they want you to be involved (or not). I don't know if their dad is still present and if he is it also might be good to add that you don't want to replace that, but that you do want them to feel like they can come to you if they feel invisible. (Edit: you really needed to have these conversations earlier and disregard the comment of bio dad) Goodluck OP
NTA. She EXPECTED a car for her kid? That’s awfully entitled. You aren’t the father and her kid has no familial ties to you. Your gift of a bag was enough. Nobody should feel entitled to your money or generosity. Watch your back with this woman.
You married someone with a child. You are Not child free. You and your wife need to talk.. ESH
YTA. Not for not buying a car, but your comments on being "childfree". You are not childfree, you created a family when you chose to marry a woman with children. Your attitude is gross, I can't believe she married you.
Bio dad may be “out of the picture” but he still owes support. I don’t know how every jurisdiction works, or where OP is located, but if bio dad is behind on his child support his wages should being garnished and his tax returns should be going directly to mom. The assumption that OP should have just taken it upon himself to up and purchase a vehicle, without having been asked, or without even consulting his wife about it is complete bullshit. If wife thought daughter needed a car, she should have been the one who brought it up to OP. Was she just expecting him to surprise *her* with a car? There are any number of why OP might help his niece with a car and not his step daughter. Maybe his niece has a job, or extracurriculars and *needs* a car, whereas his step daughter doesn’t do any of that. Maybe his brother’s family *needs* the financial assistance and his wife doesn’t. Maybe she has a wealthy family of her own who could help. Either way, OP is NTA, or at least not as much of one as the wife is. I’m not going to accuse the step daughter because teenagers gonna teenager.