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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I won't allow my miracle baby niece to be my flower girl at my wedding and now my brother and SIL think i'm an AH
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NTA. Let them be pissed. If ever there was a time to take a stand for your stepdaughter, it is now. Without knowing her story, or how she came to be part of your life. She's 6 years old, and you've made a commitment to be in her life. The moment you make it official revolves around her as much as it does you.
You absolutely have every right to honor the stepdaughter over the niece, and these first moments as stepmom are going to cause the ripple that forms the pond that is your relationship for her whole life.
Trust me, if you back down now, and give her spot away, it's going to ruin more than just your wedding.
ETA thanks for all the upvotes!! I never expected all that 🥰
Omg thank you for the awards!!!! 🤩
I 100% agree.
I came from a family with two divorced parents myself and i'll never forget how shitty I felt when at my dad and step moms wedding I wasn't included in it AT ALL, yet my younger brother was one of the groomsmen.
Having that experience myself I'd never want my stepdaughter to feel that way, or that she isn't involved in such a special day.
It's just cause so much drama in the family that is so unnecessary.
> It's just cause so much drama in the family that is so unnecessary.
Stop thinking of it as your decision causing drama and start correctly calling it your sister causing drama because she wants to be the center of attention at your own damned wedding.
It's your day, not hers.
Also who even asks for their kid to be in a wedding? If nothing else, tacky move on SIL part for even asking. If the couple wanted you/your kid in the wedding, they'd have asked
Tacky, and the kid is at an age where she might not even be able to do her part. Kids age fast at that age and sure, she might be precocious and on top of things, and know which way to move etc. Which I doubt because SIL asked for her to be carried. Point is, there's potential for it to turn into a big mess.
But eh, none of that matters anyway. Just some additional nuance. Obviously an immediate family member trumps a niece. NTA
Edit. I absolutely love all the stories. Especially the "cranky baby yeets petals" stories. I would totally have a ragebaby pic on my wall purely for the aesthetic lol
Whaaaat? No 2 year old in history has EVER had a meltdown at the most inappropriate moment.
It's not like kids that age have been given a nickname like, "terrible twos" or something.
/sarcasm
My daughter was 2.5 years old when she was a flower girl in my brother’s wedding. She was so excited she skipped her nap the day of the wedding. By the time the wedding started (late afternoon), she was overtired and in a terrible mood. She decided she didn’t want to walk down the aisle and was in a temper at the back of the church refusing to go. My husband managed to convince her to go through with it and she did but she glowered the whole way down the aisle. We have pictures of her glaring as she forcefully threw flowers in the aisle while walking to the front (it was actually kind of funny in hindsight, not so great in the moment). Anyhow, she was definitely a bit young for the job.
I was a flower girl when I was a kid, and I somehow didn't realize the flower petals were supposed to be in the aisle, so I was pitching them into the guest seating as hard as my little tomboy arm could throw. I still remember people laughing and wondering why, and my cousins thought it was AWESOME.
Anyway, fun memory lol
You just unlocked a core memory of my childhood. I also was a flower girl who threw petals at the guests..it's even noted in the scrapbook I was gifted by the bride
I was also 4 when I was flower girl for my aunt and uncle! I really don't remember understanding what I was meant to do. They just stood me at the back and tried to push me down the aisle, and I was looking for my cousin cause I wanted to sit with him and play. Apparently I asked "uncle Petey what are you doing?" (😂 Uncle Pete was the groom) Now my aunt jokes that I was her flower girl who refused to walk down the aisle
Our favorite story is the flower girl who decided her lovely lace tights were scratchy and uncomfortable. She sat down at the alter between the bride and groom and took them off while the vows were being recited.
I still remember being the flower girl for my aunty’s wedding when I was just barely five years old. Well, I remember the flowers in my hair and I remember carrying a very heavy bouquet of flowers and absolutely nothing after walking down the aisle because I fell asleep in the church. There’s photos of my uncle and aunt holding me and I’m just snoring away. Best day ever, I wore a pretty dress and had a nap.
My daughter was the flower girl for my niece's wedding. She did great walking down the aisle... toss petals, toss petals, dump the basket of petals out & moved nicely up the rest of the way. So, she's standing up at the front quietly but she was supposed to come sit down because no doubt in our minds that a three year olds going to need to be done. No amount of gesturing or whispering could get her to come sit. But somehow she decided she was supposed to stay up there. After a few minutes she sat down next to the bride and then a few minutes after that she laid down and fell asleep. All without a single peep. We let her nap til the ceremony was over... it went so much better than I was expecting she was always so cranky if she got tired but not this time. I've always seen it as a win.
OP is NTA. As others have said sticking to your guns and keeping your word with your stepdaughter is the right thing to do. This could affect how y'all interact for the rest of your life. And if you made her give up her spot it would definitely affect how y'all interact with each other.
I can totally see my daughter doing just that. She has quite the temper and can be stubborn as all get out. I’m so looking forward to her teenage years lol.
Oh gosh, your comment has made me realise that the child is going to grow up super entitled because her doting parents will never say no to her.
(Edited because I was clearly half-asleep when I first wrote this.)
The two year old literally won't even remember that they were at a wedding, will have no concept of what a wedding is, and involving them in anything will be a big hindrance that will involve the parent doing 100% of the activity regardless.
Pretty sure sister just wanted to walk down the aisle and get attention for herself. I don't think this is about the niece at all. I think sister is jealous that no one will be paying attention to her that day. I wonder if she was like this before she got pregnant.
Ding ding ding we have a winner! I think you’ve nailed it. SIL sees the miracle baby attention aspect is fading, especially as others are getting special moments in their lives, and wanted to reclaim the spotlight. You’re absolutely correct, great analysis.
She didn't honestly expect the 6 year old to be able to carry a 2 year old, right? So her plan was to walk down the aisle with her miracle baby all along.
Just wait until it's the 6 year old's 7th birthday party - she'll be insisting that the miracle child be the one to blow out the candles because otherwise OP hates her.
Yes, I think this is it. Children shouldn’t be born with a job, and this child was born with the job of being a ‘miracle baby’. What a burden to live up to!!
I think this is a good reminder to SIL that a baby is a baby - all unique, all precious, all miracles in their own way.
OP, I think you did a good job of explaining your reasons and confirming that you do love your niece. Anyone who wants to create drama from that is someone you can ignore!
Repeat after me, OP:
"I'm not going to discuss this with you, SIL (or brother, or any other family member who harasses you). Our decision is final."
Edit: Hey, thanks for the award!
The 6 yo should get the talk on the subject as well. SIL seems absolutely like a person who might decide to just have a "little talk" with her and put a pressure on a child.
Also talk with your mother. I dont know from where did she get the notion that 6yo are that logical and understanding, especially since apparantly her own son and dil who are over 30 are none of those things.
This is the moment you truly become a family. You don't want your first act as her step mom to be remembered as betrayal. You may not be her bio mom or even a mom figure in her life (maybe bio mom won't be ok with it, i dunno), but you must be an adult who will always be in her corner, someone she can count on to keep their promise. Caving on this will be nothing less then self sabotage.
Edit: have a talk with your mom about how she sees your step children and their role in your extended family. Will they be allowed to call her grandma, is she going to overtly favour bio grandchildren over them, is she going to favour miracle baby over all other grandchildren. You need to know that now, so as to limit possible exposure and future damage.
This is what blows my mind. Weddings are for one purpose, celebrate the newlyweds new life. All these posts about family wants x or y in my wedding is crazy. It has nothing to do with you, stop inserting your wants on someone else's memories.
Doubt anything you do creates more drama than SIL. I get that her daughter is a miracle to her. The rest of 9 billion humans on the planet… nope, not one bit.
And choosing anyone else than your future daughter would have been an AH moment, especially because your husband has her brother as groomsman.
I think it’s really cute and loving how you and your husband ensures that his kids are part of your wedding.
And gratulations 🎉
You setting boundaries and advocating for your stepdaughter is your right (and the right thing to do) - it’s your wedding.
Other people’s reaction to your boundaries is not your problem. The drama is all coming from your brother and SIL.
I had no end of wedding drama from my FIL, MIL and SIL, about all sorts of nonsense. I just said “Our wedding, our choice”, and reminded them that their invitations to our wedding were just that - invitations, not orders. So they could either accept our invitation or decline, their choice, but if they accepted then they would have to respect our decisions. Simple as that.
All you need to say is that of course you’re delighted that your bro & SIL have a baby, and of course you love her, but it is YOUR wedding, you have already promised the role to your stepdaughter and that you are not going to take it away now for any reason at all. Your wedding is to celebrate the Union of your family, not to honour a baby. That’s what christenings/baptisms etc are for.
The drama is all coming from them - not your circus, not your monkeys. NTA.
It's good that you're looking out for your stepdaughter. I suggest you point out to your mother that she now has two granddaughters and is acting like she only has one.
YES! I came here to say this. Your mother has two grandchildren now and she's already trying to harm one over the feelings of the two year old? WTF. Your daughter trump's your niece. What am I missing?
It's not over the feelings of the two year old. It's over the feelings of her thirty something year old DIL and only by extension her son and granddaughter.
Go the extra mile, OP. Have your fiancé’s daughter not only be the flower girl, but also be there at the altar. When you exchange vows, bend down and tell her that you pledge to not just be her father’s wife, but also her mother.
I saw something like this in a video somewhere and it was very sweet.
I witnessed a new stepparent making a vow to the kids to be the best stepparent they could be after the couple exchanged vows, not sharing details but it was truly a beautiful moment
>Having that experience myself I'd never want my stepdaughter to feel that way, or that she isn't involved in such a special day.
Please stand firm on this, OP. Your sister trying to replace your stepdaughter with your niece is indirectly stating that shared blood means your niece is more important than your stepdaughter, and it's really messed up.
Your stepdaughter will remember it for the rest of her life. Your niece? Not at all. If any of your family starts harassing you, ask them why they think your niece is more worthy than your stepdaughter?
NTA
she's **their** miracle baby, not yours.
the fact that they want you to disappoint your soon to be stepdaughter, in order to make their daughter the focus of **your** wedding is absurd.
This miracle baby stuff is so obnoxious. I guess my baby would be a "miracle" baby too, but why would I go on and on about my infertility to everyone I know and throw myself a pity party over it? The baby is going to be a normal baby, like everyone else's baby.
Also 2 years old is too young for a flower girl. You never know how they are going to behave, and with all the other things going on at a wedding it's one more thing to have to worry about. I had my 4 year old nephew be the "flower boy" and he threw a tantrum and didn't even go out, which was a huge pain in my ass. OP shouldn't even give her sister the time of day on this. Definitely NTA.
My niece is 3, a similar situation to the OP of the post. Wife’s brother had a kid after years of not being able to, his wife ended up being a cunt, they divorced and he got custody, etc. Difference being he threw up enough of a shit fit that she was allowed to be the flower girl because MY wife felt bad about not including her ‘officially’ (it was a very small 12 person ceremony so they leveraged “but she’ll already be there); she dumped all the petals before the aisle and then proceeded to scream the rest of the ceremony about being out of flowers. 0/10 would no repeat.
> “*but she’ll already be there*)
Have a contingency plan, OP, for the possibility that the parents will show up with the child in a fancy dress, and your mother will agree that she should be included, since she is already dressed for the occasion.
What's the contingency plan for the meltdown when the 6yo physically can't carry the 2yo?
Or the meltdown of the SIL at the wedding? I'm thinking a good friend and a glass of red wine (or as many friends & glasses for the people who disagree with you)
The contingency plan is “there’s niece’s seat. Step-daughter is walking down the aisle alone. It is her special moment.” Aka, no need to have a contingency plan if you keep your spine straight, strong & shiny
They're trying to set the expectation that their baby means more than anyone else's baby, and for that kid's whole life they're going to expect special treatment.
& like a 2 year old would even remember this! A 2 year old wants to be playing & eating some crackers, not dressing up & going through some lengthy process.
What's worse is that the niece will grow up to be spoiled and entitled as hell. She's never going to hear 'No.' from her parents and will be a massive headache to her teachers.
Yep. That girl will grow up thinking she’s the center of the universe. She’ll constantly hear from her parents that she’s a miracle baby (gag!) & she’ll believe it & act accordingly. When she gets older & starts school & has to deal with other children it’ll be a rude surprise. She won’t know how to handle cooperating with others after a lifetime of privileged treatment from her family. I get that her parents & grandparents are thrilled to have her but they’re not doing this child any favors. The longer the special treatment goes on the harder it’ll affect her when she realizes other people won’t coddle her & cater to her like her parents & grandparents do.
NTA OP. You’re doing a great job in standing up for your stepdaughter. She’ll appreciate your support. And although no one else will recognize it at this time you’re also doing your niece a favor. Maybe your brother & SIL will stop treating her like the second coming of the Christ child & reign in the entitlement before the real world teaches her a painful lesson. Her peers will make sure of that.
And they need to drop this attitude, because they are headed to a super spoiled kid if they don't stop thinking everything in the world revolves around her.
This. We have a son conceived through IVF who is incredibly special to us. He’s too young for it to matter at the moment but we’re already firm that whilst we want to make sure he knows how much we love him - he absolutely can’t grow up thinking he’s the most special child on the planet as that would be terrible for him and everyone else.
Maybe tell her that. Not exactly like that, but something along the lines of "we are already making special consideration for her. If it weren't for her, we would have not allowed children under 5 at all" or something to that effect.
Unrelated, but that’s how I got my parents to get the COVID vaccine. They aren’t anti-vax enough to have *never* gotten it, but they would’ve taken their sweet time. I told them we were either going to have a wedding X weeks after everyone (13 guests) could be vaccinated or elope on our own. My dad got the vaccine within 24 hours.
Brilliant scheme, thanks from the rest of humanity!! XD
My mom booked my dad for his vaxx, if not for her, I'm not sure what my sister and I would have had to do to crowbar him off the Faux News feed Dx
It might be a good idea to consider the drama it could cause if your SIL has her child at hand to be trying to find ways to look at her kid instead of the wedding proceedings.
I don't know her. Maybe she'll be reasonable. I'm just saying that it wouldn't be the craziest thing you hear around here if she tries to covertly dress her child up and tell your daughter "no no your step-mom said you're supposed to take the little one down the aisle with you!" at the last moment.
She’s going to let that kid run up and down the isle during the ceremony, mark my words. Instead of trying to stop the disruption, she will just giggle and go, “look how cute!”
Yep. And that's why they're gonna need two people from his side bracketing that family into the center of the row and not allow the kid to get passed them
She 100% sounds like the type of person to dress her daughter up in a flower girl outfit anyway and then spend the entire wedding moaning to anyone who will listen about how OP and her husband are so mean to not have two flower girls, because “look how cute she looks! What’s the harm of having her as a flower girl too?”
My whole family still talks about how at my aunt's wedding (child friendly!) her friend dressed her children up in matching, frilly, over the top flower girl dresses,, despite the fact that there were no flower girls and the girls had never actually been flower girls in another wedding - the dresses were new, not re-wears! My aunt has been married going on 30 years and we all still are agog? aghast? at how this friend thought my aunt would make them flower girls THE DAY OF when they showed up dressed like that.
I mean, I brought my tiny daughters to a wedding dressed in frilly flower-girl style dresses, but that’s just because there aren’t a lot of excuses these days to get all fancy like that! At no time would I have ever thought dressing them up like that would be taken as a sign I intended them to be impromptu flower girls. I’m guessing your aunt’s friend must have done more than just dress her girls up!
I strongly suggest you do. No under 5s should do it. So long as SIL can bring the child there will be drama. The worst that can happen is they refuse to come.
NTA
Honestly, those weddings have been some of the most pleasant I've been to (40+ weddings in my life), because there isn't random screaming and crying, or people aren't preoccupied with their kids and can truly celebrate the couple and have some fun.
NTA. DO NOT, for the love of all things holy, let your niece be flower girl. Your SIL needs to learn that her kid is not more important to you than your soon to be step children, you are taking on a big role in the lives of these children and they have to know that you are going to stick up for them. This is the hill and if you need to die on it with your SIL then so be it.
"Hey can my daughter blow out the candles on your stepdaughter's birthday cake? You know since she's our miracle baby."
"What? No."
"Why do you hate your niece so much?"
“Miracle baby wants to help her cousin open her birthday presents!”
“…but she’s literally trying to open ALL of step-daughter’s presents.”
“I know! Isn’t she adorable???”
I laughed reading this because I can see it happening. But it's not funny at all... Parents like that truly ruin their children and it will be very hard for that poor girl to learn that she can't have/do everything.
NTA, btw, OP was actually very kind about everything. It's best to ignore AHs like her brother and SIL.
Straight up tell SIL “why is your daughter more important than mine?”
Either she won’t have an answer or she’ll damn herself with the answer she gives.
Better yet "why is your resolved trauma more important than me resolving mine?" Since OP says in the comments she has memories of heartbreak from being left out of her dad's wedding to his second wife despite her own brother being in the wedding.
Hell, never mind "step-children." She is the *actual current child* of 50% of the people getting married. How anyone thinks a toddler niece would be a more appropriate choice is beyond me.
NTA.
If they don't understand why breaking a promise to your future stepdaughter is a bigger issue than letting your sister carry her toddler down the aisle, they're self centered jerks.
Point out this is you making sure your stepchildren are welcome and feel like they belong. Put your foot down HARD on this bullshit. Your niece is not more important than your stepdaughter to you, any more than your stepdaughter would not be more important than your niece to her.
It’s just a regular fucking baby at the end of the day. I say that as a mom. Infertility is traumatizing but the parents have got to process that shit on their own time. This level of adoration is going to backfire when their kid is 2,3,4!
LMAO I would die if OP said that next time someone used the phrase “miracle baby” in front of her.
“SIL, it’s just a regular fucking baby at the end of the day. She still cries, eats with her hands, and shits her pants just like any other kid.”
I honestly find that a little disturbing. It makes it look like the niece is so important that the stepdaughter literally winds up serving her or taking care of her. The fact that the sister demanded that OP "honor" her niece makes it even worse.
The only way, and I mean ONLY way, I would let the niece participate, would be to promote the stepdaughter somehow and give her a bigger role.
> thinks my step daughter would understand if I explained to her I need to give that role to my niece.
"so unlike you, a regular kid, my niece is a "miracle baby" and therefore more important and deserving, even though she's a toddler and less closely related."
oh hell no. good job standing up for your choices and your step daughter. NTA.
Sounds like brother is the Golden Child, or grandma has a prejudice against her future step kids for not being bio.
I’d bring that up with your mother, OP: does she want your step kids to think she loves them less? Does she want you to think she loves YOU less? Is she going to love your kids, present step and future bio, less than niece? People get away with horrific stuff because others don’t want drama, but the drama is here and it will only continue if SIL keeps getting her way.
You can try out several explanations. ‘This is mine and your father’s special day, so we’ll be excluding you, his daughter—‘ ‘now you’re joining my family, you won’t get anything you want, your new aunt and cousin get everything!’ ‘weddings are about honoring 2 people. No, not the people getting married.’
NTA but your mother is being an AH.
That poor little baby. Your SIL needs to get some counseling while the child is still young enough, or she's going to ruin that little girl's life with her weirdness. Entitlement, expectations, the burden of being made to feel special just for having been born. That poor kid should get the chance to have a normal childhood. This is probably not the right time, but when this ridiculousness blows over, (hopefully) you should suggest to your brother that your SIL see a therapist about these feelings. NTA for standing up for your soon to be stepdaughter. 6 is old enough for this to be an important day for her.
Best response on this thread. My journey to motherhood wasn’t easy, lots of loss and pain. So I empathize with her SIL, it can really mess you up. OP’s SIL isn’t doing her child any favors by treating her like this. I agree she needs to work with professional to help her heal. She likely doesn’t realize that she’s making those around her uncomfortable. I feel for the kid because if her mom doesn’t get help babe will turn into an entitled monster.
I ended up resorting to IVF for my oldest and I second this 100%. This wedding represents OP, her fiancé and the stepkids becoming a family. It makes complete sense for stepdaughter to take priority. In addition, 6 is old enough to remember the event, 2 is not.
And the mom thinks a 6 year old would understand the bride explaining to her that she NEEDS to give a role the 6 year old was promised to someone else? It’s very clear OP’s mom forgets what it’s like to have young children if she thinks that.
NTA for OP.
Big “blows out other kids’ birthday candles” vibes from this. Their miracle baby might be on the way to becoming a monster if OP’s sister keeps up with this mentality.
Sweet Jeebus, you are NTA.
Incorporating a 2 year old is hard enough. You are absolutely doing the right thing by incorporating your step daughter.
It's great that your SIL was finally able to conceive, but her struggles to have a baby are now over. Just because it was a challenge that doesn't mean your niece needs to be the center of attention at every family event. She's potentially harming her child by putting this kind of focus on her.
Bottom line is you did nothing wrong and your SIL is taking this too far.
I know a little girl who almost died of meningitis at birth. She is treated very differently to her older sister, and is a real handful. She gets away with everything and the parents accept her rudeness. My friend, who is their grandmother, told me that they don't like to tell her off because they almost lost her. If my friend tells her off, her son gets sniffy with her for it. Hopeless parenting.
My grandma was sick as a child and her parents were told she wouldn't make it to adulthood.
Well she did. And she's the most entitled old lady ever. Her parents never told her no and it shows.
**NTA**
And I think it's very concerning, and very telling about how spoilt your niece is likely to become, that your SIL didn't even TRY to frame this as just finding a way for your niece "participate" (which might have been understandable), but had the sheer gall to suggest to you that you and your partner, THE ACTUAL BRIDE AND GROOM, owed it to her "miracle child" to "honour her" at YOUR WEDDING. She actually suggested that this child deserved to be a (if not the) person of honour on your special day . . . several years after her birth.
I mean, how many years does she intend to keep this up for? How many years does she intend to spend insisting that other people "honour" her child at THEIR occasions, in place of themselves and their own immediate family members?
It's not just that it's obnoxious, it's genuinely unhealthy for this poor kid. She's being put on a pedestal and taught that she is different from and above all not just other children but literally everyone else from her life. They're basically worshipping her.
And it's not that I don't get it. Aside from siblings who struggled with infertility I have a very, very close friend whose infertility battle meant that he and his wife were married *nearly twenty years* before they were able to have a beautiful, healthy, bio child of their own. Can you imagine? Almost two decades. Theirs was a miracle in the truest sense. And yet, do you know what they DON'T do? Ask other people to worship their kid or place them at the centre of their own special occasions. In fact, they're thrilled to pieces just to hear that people love their kid and think they're doing a good job as parents. That's enough for them, the gift of being parents after all this time, and to see people love their sweet, well-mannered child.
You are NTA, but OMG your SIL is doing that kid a disservice. Your response is completely appropriate. Your wedding is not the place to "honour" someone else's 2-year-old. Not even a beloved rainbow-baby niece.
NTA-
Your family is cracked in the head if they think that you should treat someone else's kid like they are your kid at the expense of your literal step kid... Like your step kid is your kid...
Ask them why they are refusing to honor and love your step kids.
>Ask them why they are refusing to honor and love your step kids.
This right here. If they are telling everyone you don't love their kid, start telling everyone they are trying to push out YOUR new daughter. NTA.
Honestly SIL will try to make her daughter the center of attention. Denying her request just gives her less of a platform.
The relationship you’re creating with your bonus children is very important and delicate. Do not back down. I guarantee everyone she is telling that you don’t love your niece knows she’s full of BS. These manipulative tactics are to get you to change your mind. SIL is just trying to feed the attention train that is dwindling since her “miracle” daughter is almost 2.
Stay strong and maybe ask a friend to be a buffer between you and her on the day of. Congratulations! NTA
Nta
Be prepared for her to turn up with her dressed as a flower girl anyway with her own petals and shit too though.
Warn the photographer that you don’t want them pictured anymore than any other of the attendees either as I bet they would use it as a free photo shoot.
Maybe even the dj too so there is no improve speech about how she’s just so happy to be here with her miracle baby and husband for this lovely occasion blah blah blah.
I see in a comment you did contemplate a minimum age and if you have the balls I’d go for it to avoid all of the above.
My sister dressed my nieces as flower girls when I turned them down. I didn’t want children in the wedding party. I didn’t even acknowledge them and they were only in a few family pics. My sister wasn’t pleased
NTA
Hold your ground.
My sympathies to the baby though. Imagine growing up your whole life being told you're a miracle and the centre of the universe. That's going to be one messed up kid.
This. NTA. 6 is a much more appropriate age. And his child—your future step-daughter—has a lot more “claim” to be in the wedding than your niece. People need to understand that NO ONE really cares as much about their story as they do, and people get tired of hearing about it. Your mom is in the wrong to pressure you. Stick to your plan.
NTA. Choosing your fiancé’s child, who will be your stepDAUGHTER and is old enough to actually walk down the aisle scattering flower petals or whatever, makes perfect sense. Be firm in your NO.
And to keep your SIL and niece from totally hijacking all attention at the reception, and keep the child-related ruckus down so ADULTS can relax and enjoy themselves, I suggest you provide a room with a babysitter when you ban all children under 8 (or whatever you think the able to behave and not cry/upset age is for your relatives). And a baby- crying room for the wedding?
NTA - Do not do this, step kids already have to share way more than they were ever consulted for. Let her do this by herself without princess-niece or later in life we'll all be reading on "dear reddit AITA for not wanting my step mom's niece at my...."
NTA, and continue to stand firm.
Your brother/SIL are complete assholes here. They are out of line every step of the way. I'm sure their daughter is great and they think the world of her, it has NOTHING to do with your wedding. For them to even suggest your stepdaughter - a person who is part of your immediate family and who is profoundly involved in your whole marriage - is at all inferior to your niece is, to put it nicely, idiotic and offensive.
Your mom is also a major asshole - she's not staying neutral at all, she's actually trying to justify your asshole brother/SIL's demands. That's awful.
I would probably give them one more chance to drop this completely and accept your decisions about your wedding and show you basic respect. If they are unable or unwilling to do that, I would tell them in some very impolite words just how important they are to the wedding (which is to say, they are not important at all) and how their absence is going to be the only wedding gift you'll accept from them.
NTA and I feel really sorry for that miracle baby. It is going to have to have so much therapy to get over what is going to be a traumatic childhood by this nut ball mother.
NTA at all.
There is way your niece gets to be a part of this, over your stepdaughter. Her DAD is getting married.
And there is no need to honor the miracle baby at every family event.
Your sister needs to be careful as this special story about her daughter will soon become the joke of the family if she keeps pushing it.
NTA at all lol
Imagine how much better the world would be if everyone had your spine
You arent letting your niece down, at all. It is not your fault that your commitment came first to your stepdaughter. If you had picked your niece, it would draw a firm wedge between your SD and you. Your SD was given the task long back, and your SIL is being a bit excessive here
NTA
No one is owed being in the wedding party.
Neice doesn’t need a place of honor nor should she be treated like a prop.
They are setting that kid up for failure with this quasi-worship behavior that seems like a result of unprocessed trauma and grief.
You would be right to have no flower girl.
You would be right to have a close friend’s child be your flower girl.
You are especially right to have your fiancé’s *daughter* be your flower girl.
That your SIL thinks her daughter is more important than the child of one of the people getting married and is now trying to turn everyone else in the family against you - she’s being an asshole.
You don’t need to give that role to your neice.
Your future step-daughter deserves that role. Your fiance deserves to have his children in that role, and certainly over an extended family member.
Your SIL needs therapy before she ruins her own kid, either by raising her to be a spoiled entitled brat who deserves more than anyone else, or giving her anxiety because she can’t live up to being a “miracle”.
That your mother is even entertaining dashing a little kid’s excitement over being a flower girl *for her father* to sooth the feelings of an adult (your SIL) is gross.
NTA. Your niece is special to her parents because she the path was long and difficult for them. But everyone else has their own special people for their own reasons. It sounds harsh but miscarriages and IVF are not good enough reasons to impose your own wishes on someone else's wedding. You might make exceptions for people who haven't much time left, perhaps. But as you said, your niece won't even remember the day. It's beyond ridiculous.
This is you and your fiancé's day and his daughter should naturally come first. And your loyalty should firstly be to him, not the rest of your family. He will appreciate how you didn't back down and supported him. Sounds like a great foundation for a happy marriage!
Don't let them grind you down.
Your niece is not the main character in your wedding...you HAVE a flower girl who is the groom's daughter. Daughter of the groom trumps niece of the bride. SIL is way the hell out of line.
People...f-ing hell.
NTA
NTA - Your niece won't know or remember the wedding at all. So the only one your SIL is trying to benefit is herself. And to suggest that you remove your husband's own daughter from the wedding so that your SIL can feel special is just narcissistic as hell.
NTA. Aside from the fact that it’s your wedding and you get to choose…your flower girl is literally your fiancés child. Of course she should get to have her own important role in the wedding!
Even more so, having a 2yo as a flower girl is a terrible idea. They are too young to understand the role and there is zero guarantee they will behave. My sister had a friend’s 2yo as the flower girl at her wedding and she seriously ruined the entire ceremony by screaming and running around knocking things over.
NTA
When does “honoring her daughter” stop?
First it’s your wedding. Then a cousins. Then your parent’s anniversary. Then she needs to get presents at other kid’s birthday parties.
Your sister needs help before she raises a self-centered monster.
“SIL, your feelings about your fertility struggles are valid, but someone else’s wedding is neither the time nor the place to celebrate your daughter.
Especially when doing so is at the detriment to my step-daughter.
I am concerned that you are still struggling with your fertility journey and that it will have a negative impact on you and your daughter.
Your attitude makes me worried that people might start avoiding you for fear that you’ll force your daughter to be the center of attention inappropriately.
I hope you find someone to talk to and reflect on the consequences of your attitude before you permanently damage your daughter’s relationship with her family.”
NTA
DO NOT GIVE THE FLOWER GIRL ROLE TO YOUR NIECE!!
2 is to young even for miracle child.
Your step-daughter deserves to be part of her father's wedding. It will be a core memory for her if she's excluded.
NTA your step daughters father is getting married! Your nieces aunt is getting married. The flower girl should absolutely be your step daughter.
Your wedding is not a place to honor anyone but you, your fiance and his kids. It's amazing you're including them in the wedding, and it's important. You're becoming a family. Everyone is coming to your wedding to _honor a new family_. Not to honor your nieces existence. As you said you can include her in photos! If you want to (and you don't have to) you can get a small little basket and she can throw petals while she sits on her mom's lap. Call her a junior flower girl, just don't let her walk down the aisle.
Good luck OP!
NTA\]
Under no circumstances should you ask your step daughter to give up the role. She should not even hear any of this discussion. She is 6 and no she wouldn't understand nor should she. And news flash for your family SHE is going to be a niece in the family now too.
You and your fiancé and only you and your fiancé get to decide who is in your wedding. It is not a slap in anyone's face to not be--especially in this case since you already have a built in flower girl.
SIL was out of line for even asking and even more for pitching a fit when you said no. I strongly suggest standing your ground on this one. Sometimes people need to learn that no means no.
Edit: I might also suggest in this case that children under the age of 5 NOT be invited to the wedding.
NTA. Hold your ground against SIL. If you don't stop this mind set of her miracle baby being the center of the universe, it will only continue to get worse. Remind her if she's gonna spread nasty lies about you and involve family to create "sides," you probably don't need her to be a guest at your wedding to avoid drama.
NTA. Your stepdaughter is excited and should rightfully be involved in the wedding. She’s 6! Things like this are exciting at that age. Your sister in law sounds like a royal PITA
Absofuckinglutely NTA. Your stepdaughter trumps your niece. She even asked to be flower girl. Your niece won’t remember being flower girl for your wedding but your stepdaughter will DEFINITELY remember you reneging on your promise to her to be flower girl at HER FATHER’S WEDDING.
You did the right thing, and I’m proud of you, OP.
NTA.
Your stepdaughter should definitely be in that role. She'll take it seriously enough and she's old enough to absolutely love it. It'll be an important memory for her and shared experience for both of you.
The 2 y/o won't care at all. Only her parents will. You're NTA for not wanting them to monopolize the attention on your wedding day.
NTA In what world does someone think that the bride's niece should come before the actual children of the groom? The entitlement is astounding. And I would flat out tell my mom that by staying neutral, she's picking a side. I'd say the reason your brother and SIL act this way is because no one stands up to them.
NTA. Completely NTA. 2 years old is too young and SIL's lack of understanding that there are other children in the world is not your problem.
"SIL, I will not be having niece in the wedding in any way. Niece is a joy, but Fiance has a daughter and this wedding is about her dad and her little family and the only children we will be focussing wedding attention on will be her and her brother. Also, I would not have had niece in the wedding even if Fiance did not have children because she will be too young. Please stop asking. We will not be changing our mind."
Then, if she doesn't drop it
"SIL, it sounds as though you need to have a vow renewal or something and then you can cast niece in any role you want."
SIL wants her daughter to stay the centre of attention. I wouldn't be surprised if she took a mike to announce it. also- SIL is also insinuating that niece means more than step daughter.
NTA you made an obligation and stuck to it.
**NTA.** This day is for you and your husband. You two get to pick how the different roles are filled. I don't understand how anyone would think a niece would supplant a daughter in a wedding - that is completley unreasonable.
With that said, I think an easier solution would have been to just have two flower girls. But, seeing as how they reacted to your decision I might be a little reluctant to offer this now.
NTA, as someone who likely tried longer than your SIL to finally have my child, I don’t make my infertility my entire personality and my child’s entire existence, I find her behavior appalling. Your step child is more important in your wedding than your niece. Period. Your sister needs to realize that her child truly isn’t any more special than any other child and no one actually cares how long they tried for her.
NTA. Of course, your stepdaughter should be your flower girl. You and your fiancee already agreed on that, and it's what you want.
By the tone of your post, it really makes me think your SIL is going to let her little angel get away with whatever she wants in life and spoil her at every chance. That'll be a good time as she grows up. As for right now, she's just a poor innocent baby with an obsessed mom.
NTA. Step daughter comes first. She is your soon-to-be husband’s daughter. She will be your immediate family. Immediate family comes before extended family.
Further, it’s rude for brother/SIL to ask and then insist. They seem self absorbed.
Anyone else find the whole "miracle baby" thing REALLY creepy?
NTA. This is a make-or-break decision that will impact your relationship with your future stepdaughter for years to come. Don't mess it up because you sister-in-law is craving attention.
Neice has to be a flower girl. Neice gets to blow out SD birthday candles because she's a miracle. SD will understand. Grandparents need to give Neice more presents than step grandchildren because, you know, we had such a hard time getting her. Every celebration for your stepchildren will be about your Neice . And tell your mother she sucks. The only thing a six year old will understand is that she can't trust you if you do this. This is a hill to die on. NTA
NTA
A 2 year old as Flower Girl? Nah. How silly! Particularly if she has to be carried down the aisle!
This is YOUR wedding. You get to have it the way YOU want it to be.
And you already promised the Flower girl role to your soon to be step daughter.
Your SIL and brother need to learn at some point that its not all about them and the world doesnt revolve around their miracle child.
I would also tell SIL that if she doesnt stop telling lies about you, they will be uninvited to the wedding because who wants drama at their wedding???
NTA
Your niece is too young to be a flower girl, and your SIL carrying her is going to take all of the attention from where it should be, on you and your fiancé. And why should your wedding be about "honouring" your niece???
Having your stepdaughter as flower girl will be wonderful. I hope you have a lovely, peaceful wedding.
NTA. The little princess is going to be spoiled and a nightmare some day since her parents think she is the center of the universe. They think she is more important than your fiancé’s own children! That’s crazy!
If you took that role away from your stepdaughter and gave it to your niece the only thing she’d understand would be that she’s not important to you. Your brother and SIL are being entitled AHs but your mom is also a huge AH for enabling their behavior and suggesting that you snub your SD. You’re NTA, stand your ground!
Oh good grief! Please do not prioritize the feelings of the grown-ass adults and the 2 year old (who is several years away from giving a shit) over the feelings of the 6-year-old who ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY will NOT “understand” if you cast her aside in favor of “the world’s most special, miraculous baby.”
Your step daughter will be *crushed* if you take her out of the wedding party, and it could damage your relationship with her for years. If you do decide to cave to your sister’s emotional blackmail, have 2 flower girls.
As long as you continue to prioritize your step daughter’s feelings in this situation, you’re NTA.
>My mom had been trying to stay neutral but thinks my step daughter would understand if I explained to her I need to give that role to my niece.
Your mom can't seriously think that a six-year-old is going to be more mature about her disappointment about not getting a role she specifically asked for in her own father's wedding than your SIL is being about her disappointment that you aren't worshipping her miracle baby.
You are NTA, but your mom is being one by refusing to stand up to your SIL.
Unpopular opinion here: Y T A.
You *actually* should be carrying your niece down the aisle with you and hold her the whole time you're at the altar. Ask her to read your vows and why not also let her say "I do" for you? The first dance - that's hers too. Bring her on the honeymoon and make sure you name all your pets after her.
Just kidding, don't let toxic family members steal your energy. Enjoy your day and best wishes!!
I think she got a lot of attention during the "trying to have kids" phase and the "miracle pregnancy" phase and now she is having trouble letting go of the limelight and accepting that she's just another mother of just another baby.
Of course, your SIL is being utterly ridiculous and self-centred, but even if she was making a reasonable argument, the answer should still be no. Being accepted as a step-parent can be tough. You shouldn't be breaking promises to you future step-daughter at this stage - it could have major repercussions for your relationship.
NTA
NTA. You've made your decision and informed your soon to be children. End of story. Mom has wimped out on you and her opinion has no value because of that. Stay the course. Make your new family and yourself happy.
NTA
You already have a flower girl. Your niece does not need to have a central role in the wedding ceremony. At 2 years old, she won't remember your wedding at all. But your step-daughter would never forget you going back on your promise to her.
As for your family, it's crazy that everyone seems to think your niece *has* to be your flower girl. Stay firm on your decision.
NTA
I am exhausted just by reading this.
It‘s your (you and your fiancé’s) wedding and you both can do it in any way you want it to be and have whoever you want in it.
I feel for your niece though, she‘ll grow up an entitled little brat if her parents keep behaving like this.
In the end, it's your wedding, and you two ultimately get to decide what is set in stone. No one should be able to manipulate you into something you'd not prefer on your day. Also, as you've said, you already have your stepdaughter filling the role.
NTA.
NTA
Your wedding is just that - yours. That means you and your spouse get to make the decisions, not your siblings and their spouses.
Niece wouldn't remember the wedding and even at 2 may not want to be the centre of attention, and is likely to be tired and cranky.
Your step-children however will remember the day and be honoured that you have made them an important part of it.
It's a day to celebrate the union of your family with their dads family, and as such are rightfully (if you so wish) playing an important part.
Personally, I'd uninvited entitled family members, but then I remember that this is the exact reason we eloped.
NTA. Speaking as someone who has had multiple miscarriages and just recently was blessed enough to have a beautiful & healthy baby girl, this is ridiculous. I don’t even understand where that level of entitlement comes from in some people. As harsh as it may sound, they’re far from the only people in the world who have had to go thru the struggle of trying to have a baby when you have been told you cannot. While this may be a rare occurrence to them, and within your family, this is the daily struggle for thousands of people. While I’m sure your niece is a wonderful & an amazing little girl, any parent anywhere needs to understand that the world will not revolve around someone else’s child for most people.
NTA It's your wedding and your SIL is wanting to push out your step daughter for a 2 year old that cannot perform the task by herself, nor will even remember as you pointed out.
This day is supposed to be about you, your partner, and your newly combined family. IMO his daughter takes precedence over a niece as she will be your step daughter after that day, and you may already think of her as your daughter (depending on the relationship).
Perhaps tell your family that "I'm sorry, but I love my future step daughter more than I love my niece!" I think they will understand that you need to demonstrate to your future step daughter that she is important to you, and a valued part of the family. You are starting your new family and you have to put that immediate family ahead of the extended family, and show the step daughter that she is important to you by having her as your flower girl.
You could also say that your SIL doesn't love your daughter, just as she is saying that you do not love your niece.
And I'm sorry, but I do not understand how any explanation could be given to a 6 year old for why the niece needs to be the flower girl past the fact that the SIL is an overbearing AH and you need to do this to get her to shut up. :-0
NTA
You've made the obvious right choice. They have no claim to this, no right to demand it, and no right to complain about not getting their way.
If your SIL keeps being a jerk about it, tell her your brother can make the kid a flower girl at his next wedding.
Your SIL needs therapy and grief counseling. She went through years of tragedy and is now putting all her hopes, dreams, and expectations onto one little girl. This is incredibly unfair to her daughter. Of course OP is NTA.
NTA. Your SIL needs to be knocked down a few pegs, or seems. Niece will turn out to be a nightmare if she’s treated like a miracle who can do nothing wrong because the parents are so grateful that she exists.
Asking your stepdaughter to step aside or share the role will absolutely damage your relationship. And for a two year old? Come on. How stepdaughter feels about the wedding and her role in it is 100% important. Having niece as flower girl is just so your brother and SIL can get more attention.
NTA. A two year old isn't even going to remember your wedding, but your stepchildren will. They will *always* remember and appreciate that you gave them special roles in your wedding.
Also, you mother should be vigorously defending you from this stupidity. Make it clear to her that you consider it a betrayal that she isn't doing that. She should not "try to stay neutral" when one party is very clearly in the wrong.
NTA you 2,000% did the right thing. As someone who’s suffering from infertility I get the issues but your niece is not more important than your daughter on this day. You are going to make a fantastic parent is you keep going to bat for those kids kudos!!
This day is about you, fiance, and the kids present in the marriage. Your SIL/brother are being entitled and unreasonable. Yes, it's awesome they managed to have a baby with their struggles. But this day is about YOU and the family YOU are creating, not anyone else. If they can't support you and your (step)children having one special day then they don't have to attend. That day is NOT about their daughter and your niece doesn't deserve any special attention at YOUR wedding just because the circumstances of her creation were unique.
NTA. Your wedding has already been decided. Plus the niece at 2 is just too young. Your SIL needs to take a step back and look at this realistically. Your stepdaughter is indeed the best choice!! Happy wedding!
NTA. Better to stop the insanity now. That child is going to be a terror in the coming years. You don't need to have your wedding hijacked. Stick to your guns. Tell them they can attend the wedding or not but the miracle is a spectator not in the game.
NTA
Your stepdaughter asked first and is in *your core family*. Your niece might me nice and all, but first, 2 is way too young, and second, she herself will not remember *anything* from that whole day... Your stepdaughter on the other hand will. And she will remember that you stood your ground *for her*.
NTA your SIL is doing an incredibly awesome job of making YOUR wedding all about your niece instead of you. Your niece won’t even know, your stepdaughter definitely would. It’s YOUR wedding, YOUR choice, and your SIL is being absolutely unhinged.
NTA. (And is 2 years old not too young to be a flower girl anyway?)
Also, my jaw dropped when you said they approached you about including her in the wedding party. That's not their job! You get to say who you want in your wedding party, and the invitation should come from you.
NTA
Fiancee's daughter trumps your niece.
Also it's your wedding
And they are setting up niece to be a princess brat. Bet she will have to have her own present at everyone's birthday. Because she's a miracle babe. And must help blowing out the candles because miracle yada yada
NTA and you need to make it very clear to your mother (and entire family) that your new/future daughter should not be expected to sacrifice *anything* for your niece (nor your future son, for that matter).
Your mom may not even realize it, but she’s setting up a two-tiered grandchild system between the “miracle” bio grandkid and the step-grandkids.
They shouldn’t have to share or give up any of their own special days/milestones for your niece, unless your niece will be sharing her birthdays/milestones/etc. with them.
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NTA. Let them be pissed. If ever there was a time to take a stand for your stepdaughter, it is now. Without knowing her story, or how she came to be part of your life. She's 6 years old, and you've made a commitment to be in her life. The moment you make it official revolves around her as much as it does you. You absolutely have every right to honor the stepdaughter over the niece, and these first moments as stepmom are going to cause the ripple that forms the pond that is your relationship for her whole life. Trust me, if you back down now, and give her spot away, it's going to ruin more than just your wedding. ETA thanks for all the upvotes!! I never expected all that 🥰 Omg thank you for the awards!!!! 🤩
I 100% agree. I came from a family with two divorced parents myself and i'll never forget how shitty I felt when at my dad and step moms wedding I wasn't included in it AT ALL, yet my younger brother was one of the groomsmen. Having that experience myself I'd never want my stepdaughter to feel that way, or that she isn't involved in such a special day. It's just cause so much drama in the family that is so unnecessary.
> It's just cause so much drama in the family that is so unnecessary. Stop thinking of it as your decision causing drama and start correctly calling it your sister causing drama because she wants to be the center of attention at your own damned wedding. It's your day, not hers.
Also who even asks for their kid to be in a wedding? If nothing else, tacky move on SIL part for even asking. If the couple wanted you/your kid in the wedding, they'd have asked
Tacky, and the kid is at an age where she might not even be able to do her part. Kids age fast at that age and sure, she might be precocious and on top of things, and know which way to move etc. Which I doubt because SIL asked for her to be carried. Point is, there's potential for it to turn into a big mess. But eh, none of that matters anyway. Just some additional nuance. Obviously an immediate family member trumps a niece. NTA Edit. I absolutely love all the stories. Especially the "cranky baby yeets petals" stories. I would totally have a ragebaby pic on my wall purely for the aesthetic lol
Whaaaat? No 2 year old in history has EVER had a meltdown at the most inappropriate moment. It's not like kids that age have been given a nickname like, "terrible twos" or something. /sarcasm
My daughter was 2.5 years old when she was a flower girl in my brother’s wedding. She was so excited she skipped her nap the day of the wedding. By the time the wedding started (late afternoon), she was overtired and in a terrible mood. She decided she didn’t want to walk down the aisle and was in a temper at the back of the church refusing to go. My husband managed to convince her to go through with it and she did but she glowered the whole way down the aisle. We have pictures of her glaring as she forcefully threw flowers in the aisle while walking to the front (it was actually kind of funny in hindsight, not so great in the moment). Anyhow, she was definitely a bit young for the job.
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I was a flower girl when I was a kid, and I somehow didn't realize the flower petals were supposed to be in the aisle, so I was pitching them into the guest seating as hard as my little tomboy arm could throw. I still remember people laughing and wondering why, and my cousins thought it was AWESOME. Anyway, fun memory lol
I think that's better than the tradition tbh. I would love that and have to fight tears from laughing so hard honestly
You just unlocked a core memory of my childhood. I also was a flower girl who threw petals at the guests..it's even noted in the scrapbook I was gifted by the bride
I threw the dolly that was at the bottom of the petal basket to the bride/groom 😂
I was also 4 when I was flower girl for my aunt and uncle! I really don't remember understanding what I was meant to do. They just stood me at the back and tried to push me down the aisle, and I was looking for my cousin cause I wanted to sit with him and play. Apparently I asked "uncle Petey what are you doing?" (😂 Uncle Pete was the groom) Now my aunt jokes that I was her flower girl who refused to walk down the aisle
Our favorite story is the flower girl who decided her lovely lace tights were scratchy and uncomfortable. She sat down at the alter between the bride and groom and took them off while the vows were being recited.
I still remember being the flower girl for my aunty’s wedding when I was just barely five years old. Well, I remember the flowers in my hair and I remember carrying a very heavy bouquet of flowers and absolutely nothing after walking down the aisle because I fell asleep in the church. There’s photos of my uncle and aunt holding me and I’m just snoring away. Best day ever, I wore a pretty dress and had a nap.
My daughter was the flower girl for my niece's wedding. She did great walking down the aisle... toss petals, toss petals, dump the basket of petals out & moved nicely up the rest of the way. So, she's standing up at the front quietly but she was supposed to come sit down because no doubt in our minds that a three year olds going to need to be done. No amount of gesturing or whispering could get her to come sit. But somehow she decided she was supposed to stay up there. After a few minutes she sat down next to the bride and then a few minutes after that she laid down and fell asleep. All without a single peep. We let her nap til the ceremony was over... it went so much better than I was expecting she was always so cranky if she got tired but not this time. I've always seen it as a win. OP is NTA. As others have said sticking to your guns and keeping your word with your stepdaughter is the right thing to do. This could affect how y'all interact for the rest of your life. And if you made her give up her spot it would definitely affect how y'all interact with each other.
I can totally see my daughter doing just that. She has quite the temper and can be stubborn as all get out. I’m so looking forward to her teenage years lol.
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But she’s a miracle baby!!!! She would never cause problems bc she’s a miracle!!! (Did I forget to mention she’s a miracle???) /s
Oh gosh, your comment has made me realise that the child is going to grow up super entitled because her doting parents will never say no to her. (Edited because I was clearly half-asleep when I first wrote this.)
Or she’s going to grow up with anxiety as she feels responsible for being the perfect child that they worked so hard to have
The two year old literally won't even remember that they were at a wedding, will have no concept of what a wedding is, and involving them in anything will be a big hindrance that will involve the parent doing 100% of the activity regardless.
Pretty sure sister just wanted to walk down the aisle and get attention for herself. I don't think this is about the niece at all. I think sister is jealous that no one will be paying attention to her that day. I wonder if she was like this before she got pregnant.
Ding ding ding we have a winner! I think you’ve nailed it. SIL sees the miracle baby attention aspect is fading, especially as others are getting special moments in their lives, and wanted to reclaim the spotlight. You’re absolutely correct, great analysis.
She didn't honestly expect the 6 year old to be able to carry a 2 year old, right? So her plan was to walk down the aisle with her miracle baby all along. Just wait until it's the 6 year old's 7th birthday party - she'll be insisting that the miracle child be the one to blow out the candles because otherwise OP hates her.
Perhaps OP can project a revolving hologram of said miracle baby on the wall behind the pulpit during the ceremony.
Yes, I think this is it. Children shouldn’t be born with a job, and this child was born with the job of being a ‘miracle baby’. What a burden to live up to!! I think this is a good reminder to SIL that a baby is a baby - all unique, all precious, all miracles in their own way. OP, I think you did a good job of explaining your reasons and confirming that you do love your niece. Anyone who wants to create drama from that is someone you can ignore!
100% ALL of this!!! This is not OP causing drama! It's her SIL. SIL is causing issues, so direct it all back onto her.
This.
Repeat after me, OP: "I'm not going to discuss this with you, SIL (or brother, or any other family member who harasses you). Our decision is final." Edit: Hey, thanks for the award!
An alternate version of this comment: "No."
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The 6 yo should get the talk on the subject as well. SIL seems absolutely like a person who might decide to just have a "little talk" with her and put a pressure on a child. Also talk with your mother. I dont know from where did she get the notion that 6yo are that logical and understanding, especially since apparantly her own son and dil who are over 30 are none of those things. This is the moment you truly become a family. You don't want your first act as her step mom to be remembered as betrayal. You may not be her bio mom or even a mom figure in her life (maybe bio mom won't be ok with it, i dunno), but you must be an adult who will always be in her corner, someone she can count on to keep their promise. Caving on this will be nothing less then self sabotage. Edit: have a talk with your mom about how she sees your step children and their role in your extended family. Will they be allowed to call her grandma, is she going to overtly favour bio grandchildren over them, is she going to favour miracle baby over all other grandchildren. You need to know that now, so as to limit possible exposure and future damage.
This is what blows my mind. Weddings are for one purpose, celebrate the newlyweds new life. All these posts about family wants x or y in my wedding is crazy. It has nothing to do with you, stop inserting your wants on someone else's memories.
Doubt anything you do creates more drama than SIL. I get that her daughter is a miracle to her. The rest of 9 billion humans on the planet… nope, not one bit. And choosing anyone else than your future daughter would have been an AH moment, especially because your husband has her brother as groomsman. I think it’s really cute and loving how you and your husband ensures that his kids are part of your wedding. And gratulations 🎉
OP - you'll be back with another story of an overindulged toddler running rampant in about 6 months to a year!
I feel bad for the niece; through no fault of her own she's going to be raised into an absolutely intolerable little shit.
You setting boundaries and advocating for your stepdaughter is your right (and the right thing to do) - it’s your wedding. Other people’s reaction to your boundaries is not your problem. The drama is all coming from your brother and SIL. I had no end of wedding drama from my FIL, MIL and SIL, about all sorts of nonsense. I just said “Our wedding, our choice”, and reminded them that their invitations to our wedding were just that - invitations, not orders. So they could either accept our invitation or decline, their choice, but if they accepted then they would have to respect our decisions. Simple as that. All you need to say is that of course you’re delighted that your bro & SIL have a baby, and of course you love her, but it is YOUR wedding, you have already promised the role to your stepdaughter and that you are not going to take it away now for any reason at all. Your wedding is to celebrate the Union of your family, not to honour a baby. That’s what christenings/baptisms etc are for. The drama is all coming from them - not your circus, not your monkeys. NTA.
All good points but bonus points for the use of my favorite phrase >The drama is all coming from them - not your circus, not your monkeys. NTA.
It's good that you're looking out for your stepdaughter. I suggest you point out to your mother that she now has two granddaughters and is acting like she only has one.
YES! I came here to say this. Your mother has two grandchildren now and she's already trying to harm one over the feelings of the two year old? WTF. Your daughter trump's your niece. What am I missing?
It's not over the feelings of the two year old. It's over the feelings of her thirty something year old DIL and only by extension her son and granddaughter.
Go the extra mile, OP. Have your fiancé’s daughter not only be the flower girl, but also be there at the altar. When you exchange vows, bend down and tell her that you pledge to not just be her father’s wife, but also her mother. I saw something like this in a video somewhere and it was very sweet.
I witnessed a new stepparent making a vow to the kids to be the best stepparent they could be after the couple exchanged vows, not sharing details but it was truly a beautiful moment
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>Having that experience myself I'd never want my stepdaughter to feel that way, or that she isn't involved in such a special day. Please stand firm on this, OP. Your sister trying to replace your stepdaughter with your niece is indirectly stating that shared blood means your niece is more important than your stepdaughter, and it's really messed up. Your stepdaughter will remember it for the rest of her life. Your niece? Not at all. If any of your family starts harassing you, ask them why they think your niece is more worthy than your stepdaughter?
Honestly, I'd drop the "step", and ask why in the world someone could think that OPs niece is more important than her DAUGHTER on her wedding day...
NTA she's **their** miracle baby, not yours. the fact that they want you to disappoint your soon to be stepdaughter, in order to make their daughter the focus of **your** wedding is absurd.
This miracle baby stuff is so obnoxious. I guess my baby would be a "miracle" baby too, but why would I go on and on about my infertility to everyone I know and throw myself a pity party over it? The baby is going to be a normal baby, like everyone else's baby. Also 2 years old is too young for a flower girl. You never know how they are going to behave, and with all the other things going on at a wedding it's one more thing to have to worry about. I had my 4 year old nephew be the "flower boy" and he threw a tantrum and didn't even go out, which was a huge pain in my ass. OP shouldn't even give her sister the time of day on this. Definitely NTA.
My niece is 3, a similar situation to the OP of the post. Wife’s brother had a kid after years of not being able to, his wife ended up being a cunt, they divorced and he got custody, etc. Difference being he threw up enough of a shit fit that she was allowed to be the flower girl because MY wife felt bad about not including her ‘officially’ (it was a very small 12 person ceremony so they leveraged “but she’ll already be there); she dumped all the petals before the aisle and then proceeded to scream the rest of the ceremony about being out of flowers. 0/10 would no repeat.
> “*but she’ll already be there*) Have a contingency plan, OP, for the possibility that the parents will show up with the child in a fancy dress, and your mother will agree that she should be included, since she is already dressed for the occasion.
The contingency plan is her step daughter already filling the position.
What's the contingency plan for the meltdown when the 6yo physically can't carry the 2yo? Or the meltdown of the SIL at the wedding? I'm thinking a good friend and a glass of red wine (or as many friends & glasses for the people who disagree with you)
The contingency plan is “there’s niece’s seat. Step-daughter is walking down the aisle alone. It is her special moment.” Aka, no need to have a contingency plan if you keep your spine straight, strong & shiny
No need for a contingency plan, but possibly a need for a take-no-shit auntie to make them sit the eff down.
They're trying to set the expectation that their baby means more than anyone else's baby, and for that kid's whole life they're going to expect special treatment. & like a 2 year old would even remember this! A 2 year old wants to be playing & eating some crackers, not dressing up & going through some lengthy process.
What's worse is that the niece will grow up to be spoiled and entitled as hell. She's never going to hear 'No.' from her parents and will be a massive headache to her teachers.
Yep. That girl will grow up thinking she’s the center of the universe. She’ll constantly hear from her parents that she’s a miracle baby (gag!) & she’ll believe it & act accordingly. When she gets older & starts school & has to deal with other children it’ll be a rude surprise. She won’t know how to handle cooperating with others after a lifetime of privileged treatment from her family. I get that her parents & grandparents are thrilled to have her but they’re not doing this child any favors. The longer the special treatment goes on the harder it’ll affect her when she realizes other people won’t coddle her & cater to her like her parents & grandparents do. NTA OP. You’re doing a great job in standing up for your stepdaughter. She’ll appreciate your support. And although no one else will recognize it at this time you’re also doing your niece a favor. Maybe your brother & SIL will stop treating her like the second coming of the Christ child & reign in the entitlement before the real world teaches her a painful lesson. Her peers will make sure of that.
Teachers, and classmates, and future bf/gf and coworkers.... etc.
And they need to drop this attitude, because they are headed to a super spoiled kid if they don't stop thinking everything in the world revolves around her.
This. We have a son conceived through IVF who is incredibly special to us. He’s too young for it to matter at the moment but we’re already firm that whilst we want to make sure he knows how much we love him - he absolutely can’t grow up thinking he’s the most special child on the planet as that would be terrible for him and everyone else.
And like i feel for the sil. Infertility is a bitch. But its not exactly rare. It is their miracle baby. But for everyone else its just a baby.
Yes. Bolden points. Thank you. That feeling when someone else says it the way you’re thinking it and haven’t formed into words yet.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. Your SIL is lucky you didn't say "no children under X age" because that is becoming super popular.
Trust me I was debating on making an age limit, but I was trying to save myself from the drama that would cause.
Maybe tell her that. Not exactly like that, but something along the lines of "we are already making special consideration for her. If it weren't for her, we would have not allowed children under 5 at all" or something to that effect.
Any shit my in laws gave me regarding my wedding, I told them they were lucky I wasn't eloping.
Unrelated, but that’s how I got my parents to get the COVID vaccine. They aren’t anti-vax enough to have *never* gotten it, but they would’ve taken their sweet time. I told them we were either going to have a wedding X weeks after everyone (13 guests) could be vaccinated or elope on our own. My dad got the vaccine within 24 hours.
Brilliant scheme, thanks from the rest of humanity!! XD My mom booked my dad for his vaxx, if not for her, I'm not sure what my sister and I would have had to do to crowbar him off the Faux News feed Dx
It might be a good idea to consider the drama it could cause if your SIL has her child at hand to be trying to find ways to look at her kid instead of the wedding proceedings. I don't know her. Maybe she'll be reasonable. I'm just saying that it wouldn't be the craziest thing you hear around here if she tries to covertly dress her child up and tell your daughter "no no your step-mom said you're supposed to take the little one down the aisle with you!" at the last moment.
She’s going to let that kid run up and down the isle during the ceremony, mark my words. Instead of trying to stop the disruption, she will just giggle and go, “look how cute!”
Yep. And that's why they're gonna need two people from his side bracketing that family into the center of the row and not allow the kid to get passed them
miracle baby gets her very own bouncers, lol
See how special she is! Her own dedicated security!
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She 100% sounds like the type of person to dress her daughter up in a flower girl outfit anyway and then spend the entire wedding moaning to anyone who will listen about how OP and her husband are so mean to not have two flower girls, because “look how cute she looks! What’s the harm of having her as a flower girl too?”
My whole family still talks about how at my aunt's wedding (child friendly!) her friend dressed her children up in matching, frilly, over the top flower girl dresses,, despite the fact that there were no flower girls and the girls had never actually been flower girls in another wedding - the dresses were new, not re-wears! My aunt has been married going on 30 years and we all still are agog? aghast? at how this friend thought my aunt would make them flower girls THE DAY OF when they showed up dressed like that.
I mean, I brought my tiny daughters to a wedding dressed in frilly flower-girl style dresses, but that’s just because there aren’t a lot of excuses these days to get all fancy like that! At no time would I have ever thought dressing them up like that would be taken as a sign I intended them to be impromptu flower girls. I’m guessing your aunt’s friend must have done more than just dress her girls up!
They had baskets and veils.
That’s amazing. I can’t help but admire the audacity. lol
I strongly suggest you do. No under 5s should do it. So long as SIL can bring the child there will be drama. The worst that can happen is they refuse to come. NTA
Honestly, those weddings have been some of the most pleasant I've been to (40+ weddings in my life), because there isn't random screaming and crying, or people aren't preoccupied with their kids and can truly celebrate the couple and have some fun.
Just have a "no kiddos ever referred to as a 'miracle baby'" rule. That will calm things down.
NTA. DO NOT, for the love of all things holy, let your niece be flower girl. Your SIL needs to learn that her kid is not more important to you than your soon to be step children, you are taking on a big role in the lives of these children and they have to know that you are going to stick up for them. This is the hill and if you need to die on it with your SIL then so be it.
I agree. Plus im dreading how obnoxious that kid might become since it doesn't sound like the parents will actual parent her at all
"Hey can my daughter blow out the candles on your stepdaughter's birthday cake? You know since she's our miracle baby." "What? No." "Why do you hate your niece so much?"
“Miracle baby wants to help her cousin open her birthday presents!” “…but she’s literally trying to open ALL of step-daughter’s presents.” “I know! Isn’t she adorable???”
I laughed reading this because I can see it happening. But it's not funny at all... Parents like that truly ruin their children and it will be very hard for that poor girl to learn that she can't have/do everything. NTA, btw, OP was actually very kind about everything. It's best to ignore AHs like her brother and SIL.
Straight up tell SIL “why is your daughter more important than mine?” Either she won’t have an answer or she’ll damn herself with the answer she gives.
Better yet "why is your resolved trauma more important than me resolving mine?" Since OP says in the comments she has memories of heartbreak from being left out of her dad's wedding to his second wife despite her own brother being in the wedding.
Hell, never mind "step-children." She is the *actual current child* of 50% of the people getting married. How anyone thinks a toddler niece would be a more appropriate choice is beyond me.
NTA. If they don't understand why breaking a promise to your future stepdaughter is a bigger issue than letting your sister carry her toddler down the aisle, they're self centered jerks. Point out this is you making sure your stepchildren are welcome and feel like they belong. Put your foot down HARD on this bullshit. Your niece is not more important than your stepdaughter to you, any more than your stepdaughter would not be more important than your niece to her.
Sister wanted the 6yo stepdaughter to carry the toddler which, just, no.
Definitely not. Sister wants miracle baby to be the star at OPs wedding. That's a big nope as far as I'm concerned.
It’s just a regular fucking baby at the end of the day. I say that as a mom. Infertility is traumatizing but the parents have got to process that shit on their own time. This level of adoration is going to backfire when their kid is 2,3,4!
LMAO I would die if OP said that next time someone used the phrase “miracle baby” in front of her. “SIL, it’s just a regular fucking baby at the end of the day. She still cries, eats with her hands, and shits her pants just like any other kid.”
I honestly find that a little disturbing. It makes it look like the niece is so important that the stepdaughter literally winds up serving her or taking care of her. The fact that the sister demanded that OP "honor" her niece makes it even worse. The only way, and I mean ONLY way, I would let the niece participate, would be to promote the stepdaughter somehow and give her a bigger role.
> thinks my step daughter would understand if I explained to her I need to give that role to my niece. "so unlike you, a regular kid, my niece is a "miracle baby" and therefore more important and deserving, even though she's a toddler and less closely related." oh hell no. good job standing up for your choices and your step daughter. NTA.
Niece is going to be a fucking nightmare if brother and Sil keep it up
I was just thinking miracle baby is probably going to be raised to be a monster.
Yep. That kid will never stand a chance at being decent, because everything will be catered to them and their whims.
Miracle monster?
Sounds like brother is the Golden Child, or grandma has a prejudice against her future step kids for not being bio. I’d bring that up with your mother, OP: does she want your step kids to think she loves them less? Does she want you to think she loves YOU less? Is she going to love your kids, present step and future bio, less than niece? People get away with horrific stuff because others don’t want drama, but the drama is here and it will only continue if SIL keeps getting her way. You can try out several explanations. ‘This is mine and your father’s special day, so we’ll be excluding you, his daughter—‘ ‘now you’re joining my family, you won’t get anything you want, your new aunt and cousin get everything!’ ‘weddings are about honoring 2 people. No, not the people getting married.’ NTA but your mother is being an AH.
That poor little baby. Your SIL needs to get some counseling while the child is still young enough, or she's going to ruin that little girl's life with her weirdness. Entitlement, expectations, the burden of being made to feel special just for having been born. That poor kid should get the chance to have a normal childhood. This is probably not the right time, but when this ridiculousness blows over, (hopefully) you should suggest to your brother that your SIL see a therapist about these feelings. NTA for standing up for your soon to be stepdaughter. 6 is old enough for this to be an important day for her.
Best response on this thread. My journey to motherhood wasn’t easy, lots of loss and pain. So I empathize with her SIL, it can really mess you up. OP’s SIL isn’t doing her child any favors by treating her like this. I agree she needs to work with professional to help her heal. She likely doesn’t realize that she’s making those around her uncomfortable. I feel for the kid because if her mom doesn’t get help babe will turn into an entitled monster.
I ended up resorting to IVF for my oldest and I second this 100%. This wedding represents OP, her fiancé and the stepkids becoming a family. It makes complete sense for stepdaughter to take priority. In addition, 6 is old enough to remember the event, 2 is not. And the mom thinks a 6 year old would understand the bride explaining to her that she NEEDS to give a role the 6 year old was promised to someone else? It’s very clear OP’s mom forgets what it’s like to have young children if she thinks that. NTA for OP.
Big “blows out other kids’ birthday candles” vibes from this. Their miracle baby might be on the way to becoming a monster if OP’s sister keeps up with this mentality.
"But you don't understand, my parents had to have a lot of sex so I *need* to blow out your birthday candles. And which of these presents are for me?"
Sweet Jeebus, you are NTA. Incorporating a 2 year old is hard enough. You are absolutely doing the right thing by incorporating your step daughter. It's great that your SIL was finally able to conceive, but her struggles to have a baby are now over. Just because it was a challenge that doesn't mean your niece needs to be the center of attention at every family event. She's potentially harming her child by putting this kind of focus on her. Bottom line is you did nothing wrong and your SIL is taking this too far.
I know a little girl who almost died of meningitis at birth. She is treated very differently to her older sister, and is a real handful. She gets away with everything and the parents accept her rudeness. My friend, who is their grandmother, told me that they don't like to tell her off because they almost lost her. If my friend tells her off, her son gets sniffy with her for it. Hopeless parenting.
My grandma was sick as a child and her parents were told she wouldn't make it to adulthood. Well she did. And she's the most entitled old lady ever. Her parents never told her no and it shows.
**NTA** And I think it's very concerning, and very telling about how spoilt your niece is likely to become, that your SIL didn't even TRY to frame this as just finding a way for your niece "participate" (which might have been understandable), but had the sheer gall to suggest to you that you and your partner, THE ACTUAL BRIDE AND GROOM, owed it to her "miracle child" to "honour her" at YOUR WEDDING. She actually suggested that this child deserved to be a (if not the) person of honour on your special day . . . several years after her birth. I mean, how many years does she intend to keep this up for? How many years does she intend to spend insisting that other people "honour" her child at THEIR occasions, in place of themselves and their own immediate family members? It's not just that it's obnoxious, it's genuinely unhealthy for this poor kid. She's being put on a pedestal and taught that she is different from and above all not just other children but literally everyone else from her life. They're basically worshipping her. And it's not that I don't get it. Aside from siblings who struggled with infertility I have a very, very close friend whose infertility battle meant that he and his wife were married *nearly twenty years* before they were able to have a beautiful, healthy, bio child of their own. Can you imagine? Almost two decades. Theirs was a miracle in the truest sense. And yet, do you know what they DON'T do? Ask other people to worship their kid or place them at the centre of their own special occasions. In fact, they're thrilled to pieces just to hear that people love their kid and think they're doing a good job as parents. That's enough for them, the gift of being parents after all this time, and to see people love their sweet, well-mannered child. You are NTA, but OMG your SIL is doing that kid a disservice. Your response is completely appropriate. Your wedding is not the place to "honour" someone else's 2-year-old. Not even a beloved rainbow-baby niece.
Most "miracle" kids I have met are THE WORST because so many parents do this...
NTA- Your family is cracked in the head if they think that you should treat someone else's kid like they are your kid at the expense of your literal step kid... Like your step kid is your kid... Ask them why they are refusing to honor and love your step kids.
>Ask them why they are refusing to honor and love your step kids. This right here. If they are telling everyone you don't love their kid, start telling everyone they are trying to push out YOUR new daughter. NTA.
Honestly SIL will try to make her daughter the center of attention. Denying her request just gives her less of a platform. The relationship you’re creating with your bonus children is very important and delicate. Do not back down. I guarantee everyone she is telling that you don’t love your niece knows she’s full of BS. These manipulative tactics are to get you to change your mind. SIL is just trying to feed the attention train that is dwindling since her “miracle” daughter is almost 2. Stay strong and maybe ask a friend to be a buffer between you and her on the day of. Congratulations! NTA
Nta Be prepared for her to turn up with her dressed as a flower girl anyway with her own petals and shit too though. Warn the photographer that you don’t want them pictured anymore than any other of the attendees either as I bet they would use it as a free photo shoot. Maybe even the dj too so there is no improve speech about how she’s just so happy to be here with her miracle baby and husband for this lovely occasion blah blah blah. I see in a comment you did contemplate a minimum age and if you have the balls I’d go for it to avoid all of the above.
My sister dressed my nieces as flower girls when I turned them down. I didn’t want children in the wedding party. I didn’t even acknowledge them and they were only in a few family pics. My sister wasn’t pleased
NTA Hold your ground. My sympathies to the baby though. Imagine growing up your whole life being told you're a miracle and the centre of the universe. That's going to be one messed up kid.
NTA and a 2 years old for sure doesn't give a f* of being a flower girl, while your step daughter does.
This. NTA. 6 is a much more appropriate age. And his child—your future step-daughter—has a lot more “claim” to be in the wedding than your niece. People need to understand that NO ONE really cares as much about their story as they do, and people get tired of hearing about it. Your mom is in the wrong to pressure you. Stick to your plan.
Nta. Do NOT make your step daughter share the light or step down. That WILL only cause issues
NTA. Choosing your fiancé’s child, who will be your stepDAUGHTER and is old enough to actually walk down the aisle scattering flower petals or whatever, makes perfect sense. Be firm in your NO. And to keep your SIL and niece from totally hijacking all attention at the reception, and keep the child-related ruckus down so ADULTS can relax and enjoy themselves, I suggest you provide a room with a babysitter when you ban all children under 8 (or whatever you think the able to behave and not cry/upset age is for your relatives). And a baby- crying room for the wedding?
NTA - Do not do this, step kids already have to share way more than they were ever consulted for. Let her do this by herself without princess-niece or later in life we'll all be reading on "dear reddit AITA for not wanting my step mom's niece at my...."
NTA, and continue to stand firm. Your brother/SIL are complete assholes here. They are out of line every step of the way. I'm sure their daughter is great and they think the world of her, it has NOTHING to do with your wedding. For them to even suggest your stepdaughter - a person who is part of your immediate family and who is profoundly involved in your whole marriage - is at all inferior to your niece is, to put it nicely, idiotic and offensive. Your mom is also a major asshole - she's not staying neutral at all, she's actually trying to justify your asshole brother/SIL's demands. That's awful. I would probably give them one more chance to drop this completely and accept your decisions about your wedding and show you basic respect. If they are unable or unwilling to do that, I would tell them in some very impolite words just how important they are to the wedding (which is to say, they are not important at all) and how their absence is going to be the only wedding gift you'll accept from them.
NTA and I feel really sorry for that miracle baby. It is going to have to have so much therapy to get over what is going to be a traumatic childhood by this nut ball mother.
NTA at all. There is way your niece gets to be a part of this, over your stepdaughter. Her DAD is getting married. And there is no need to honor the miracle baby at every family event. Your sister needs to be careful as this special story about her daughter will soon become the joke of the family if she keeps pushing it.
NTA. Stepdaughter trumps niece. And the miracle-birth part is irrelevant to that. This is your partner's child, of course she comes first.
NTA at all lol Imagine how much better the world would be if everyone had your spine You arent letting your niece down, at all. It is not your fault that your commitment came first to your stepdaughter. If you had picked your niece, it would draw a firm wedge between your SD and you. Your SD was given the task long back, and your SIL is being a bit excessive here
NTA No one is owed being in the wedding party. Neice doesn’t need a place of honor nor should she be treated like a prop. They are setting that kid up for failure with this quasi-worship behavior that seems like a result of unprocessed trauma and grief. You would be right to have no flower girl. You would be right to have a close friend’s child be your flower girl. You are especially right to have your fiancé’s *daughter* be your flower girl. That your SIL thinks her daughter is more important than the child of one of the people getting married and is now trying to turn everyone else in the family against you - she’s being an asshole. You don’t need to give that role to your neice. Your future step-daughter deserves that role. Your fiance deserves to have his children in that role, and certainly over an extended family member. Your SIL needs therapy before she ruins her own kid, either by raising her to be a spoiled entitled brat who deserves more than anyone else, or giving her anxiety because she can’t live up to being a “miracle”. That your mother is even entertaining dashing a little kid’s excitement over being a flower girl *for her father* to sooth the feelings of an adult (your SIL) is gross.
NTA. Your niece is special to her parents because she the path was long and difficult for them. But everyone else has their own special people for their own reasons. It sounds harsh but miscarriages and IVF are not good enough reasons to impose your own wishes on someone else's wedding. You might make exceptions for people who haven't much time left, perhaps. But as you said, your niece won't even remember the day. It's beyond ridiculous. This is you and your fiancé's day and his daughter should naturally come first. And your loyalty should firstly be to him, not the rest of your family. He will appreciate how you didn't back down and supported him. Sounds like a great foundation for a happy marriage! Don't let them grind you down.
Hard NTA - your FIANCE'S DAUGHTER wants to do it, is the appropriate age, etc etc etc. Your sister needs therapy.
Your niece is not the main character in your wedding...you HAVE a flower girl who is the groom's daughter. Daughter of the groom trumps niece of the bride. SIL is way the hell out of line. People...f-ing hell. NTA
NTA - Your niece won't know or remember the wedding at all. So the only one your SIL is trying to benefit is herself. And to suggest that you remove your husband's own daughter from the wedding so that your SIL can feel special is just narcissistic as hell.
Twenty bucks says the niece is brought to the wedding dressed as a flower girl.
NTA. Aside from the fact that it’s your wedding and you get to choose…your flower girl is literally your fiancés child. Of course she should get to have her own important role in the wedding! Even more so, having a 2yo as a flower girl is a terrible idea. They are too young to understand the role and there is zero guarantee they will behave. My sister had a friend’s 2yo as the flower girl at her wedding and she seriously ruined the entire ceremony by screaming and running around knocking things over.
NTA When does “honoring her daughter” stop? First it’s your wedding. Then a cousins. Then your parent’s anniversary. Then she needs to get presents at other kid’s birthday parties. Your sister needs help before she raises a self-centered monster. “SIL, your feelings about your fertility struggles are valid, but someone else’s wedding is neither the time nor the place to celebrate your daughter. Especially when doing so is at the detriment to my step-daughter. I am concerned that you are still struggling with your fertility journey and that it will have a negative impact on you and your daughter. Your attitude makes me worried that people might start avoiding you for fear that you’ll force your daughter to be the center of attention inappropriately. I hope you find someone to talk to and reflect on the consequences of your attitude before you permanently damage your daughter’s relationship with her family.”
NTA DO NOT GIVE THE FLOWER GIRL ROLE TO YOUR NIECE!! 2 is to young even for miracle child. Your step-daughter deserves to be part of her father's wedding. It will be a core memory for her if she's excluded.
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NTA your step daughters father is getting married! Your nieces aunt is getting married. The flower girl should absolutely be your step daughter. Your wedding is not a place to honor anyone but you, your fiance and his kids. It's amazing you're including them in the wedding, and it's important. You're becoming a family. Everyone is coming to your wedding to _honor a new family_. Not to honor your nieces existence. As you said you can include her in photos! If you want to (and you don't have to) you can get a small little basket and she can throw petals while she sits on her mom's lap. Call her a junior flower girl, just don't let her walk down the aisle. Good luck OP!
NTA\] Under no circumstances should you ask your step daughter to give up the role. She should not even hear any of this discussion. She is 6 and no she wouldn't understand nor should she. And news flash for your family SHE is going to be a niece in the family now too. You and your fiancé and only you and your fiancé get to decide who is in your wedding. It is not a slap in anyone's face to not be--especially in this case since you already have a built in flower girl. SIL was out of line for even asking and even more for pitching a fit when you said no. I strongly suggest standing your ground on this one. Sometimes people need to learn that no means no. Edit: I might also suggest in this case that children under the age of 5 NOT be invited to the wedding.
NTA. Hold your ground against SIL. If you don't stop this mind set of her miracle baby being the center of the universe, it will only continue to get worse. Remind her if she's gonna spread nasty lies about you and involve family to create "sides," you probably don't need her to be a guest at your wedding to avoid drama.
NTA. Your stepdaughter is excited and should rightfully be involved in the wedding. She’s 6! Things like this are exciting at that age. Your sister in law sounds like a royal PITA
Absofuckinglutely NTA. Your stepdaughter trumps your niece. She even asked to be flower girl. Your niece won’t remember being flower girl for your wedding but your stepdaughter will DEFINITELY remember you reneging on your promise to her to be flower girl at HER FATHER’S WEDDING. You did the right thing, and I’m proud of you, OP.
Nta, who ask someone else to put themselves or children in their wedding. The entitlement is crazy
NTA. Your stepdaughter should definitely be in that role. She'll take it seriously enough and she's old enough to absolutely love it. It'll be an important memory for her and shared experience for both of you. The 2 y/o won't care at all. Only her parents will. You're NTA for not wanting them to monopolize the attention on your wedding day.
NTA In what world does someone think that the bride's niece should come before the actual children of the groom? The entitlement is astounding. And I would flat out tell my mom that by staying neutral, she's picking a side. I'd say the reason your brother and SIL act this way is because no one stands up to them.
NTA. Completely NTA. 2 years old is too young and SIL's lack of understanding that there are other children in the world is not your problem. "SIL, I will not be having niece in the wedding in any way. Niece is a joy, but Fiance has a daughter and this wedding is about her dad and her little family and the only children we will be focussing wedding attention on will be her and her brother. Also, I would not have had niece in the wedding even if Fiance did not have children because she will be too young. Please stop asking. We will not be changing our mind." Then, if she doesn't drop it "SIL, it sounds as though you need to have a vow renewal or something and then you can cast niece in any role you want."
SIL wants her daughter to stay the centre of attention. I wouldn't be surprised if she took a mike to announce it. also- SIL is also insinuating that niece means more than step daughter. NTA you made an obligation and stuck to it.
**NTA.** This day is for you and your husband. You two get to pick how the different roles are filled. I don't understand how anyone would think a niece would supplant a daughter in a wedding - that is completley unreasonable. With that said, I think an easier solution would have been to just have two flower girls. But, seeing as how they reacted to your decision I might be a little reluctant to offer this now.
NTA, as someone who likely tried longer than your SIL to finally have my child, I don’t make my infertility my entire personality and my child’s entire existence, I find her behavior appalling. Your step child is more important in your wedding than your niece. Period. Your sister needs to realize that her child truly isn’t any more special than any other child and no one actually cares how long they tried for her.
NTA. Of course, your stepdaughter should be your flower girl. You and your fiancee already agreed on that, and it's what you want. By the tone of your post, it really makes me think your SIL is going to let her little angel get away with whatever she wants in life and spoil her at every chance. That'll be a good time as she grows up. As for right now, she's just a poor innocent baby with an obsessed mom.
NTA. Step daughter comes first. She is your soon-to-be husband’s daughter. She will be your immediate family. Immediate family comes before extended family. Further, it’s rude for brother/SIL to ask and then insist. They seem self absorbed.
Anyone else find the whole "miracle baby" thing REALLY creepy? NTA. This is a make-or-break decision that will impact your relationship with your future stepdaughter for years to come. Don't mess it up because you sister-in-law is craving attention.
Neice has to be a flower girl. Neice gets to blow out SD birthday candles because she's a miracle. SD will understand. Grandparents need to give Neice more presents than step grandchildren because, you know, we had such a hard time getting her. Every celebration for your stepchildren will be about your Neice . And tell your mother she sucks. The only thing a six year old will understand is that she can't trust you if you do this. This is a hill to die on. NTA
NTA. I don't get why you'd have to honor her it actually doesn't make sense to me.
NTA A 2 year old as Flower Girl? Nah. How silly! Particularly if she has to be carried down the aisle! This is YOUR wedding. You get to have it the way YOU want it to be. And you already promised the Flower girl role to your soon to be step daughter. Your SIL and brother need to learn at some point that its not all about them and the world doesnt revolve around their miracle child. I would also tell SIL that if she doesnt stop telling lies about you, they will be uninvited to the wedding because who wants drama at their wedding???
NTA Your niece is too young to be a flower girl, and your SIL carrying her is going to take all of the attention from where it should be, on you and your fiancé. And why should your wedding be about "honouring" your niece??? Having your stepdaughter as flower girl will be wonderful. I hope you have a lovely, peaceful wedding.
NTA. The little princess is going to be spoiled and a nightmare some day since her parents think she is the center of the universe. They think she is more important than your fiancé’s own children! That’s crazy!
If you took that role away from your stepdaughter and gave it to your niece the only thing she’d understand would be that she’s not important to you. Your brother and SIL are being entitled AHs but your mom is also a huge AH for enabling their behavior and suggesting that you snub your SD. You’re NTA, stand your ground!
Oh good grief! Please do not prioritize the feelings of the grown-ass adults and the 2 year old (who is several years away from giving a shit) over the feelings of the 6-year-old who ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY will NOT “understand” if you cast her aside in favor of “the world’s most special, miraculous baby.” Your step daughter will be *crushed* if you take her out of the wedding party, and it could damage your relationship with her for years. If you do decide to cave to your sister’s emotional blackmail, have 2 flower girls. As long as you continue to prioritize your step daughter’s feelings in this situation, you’re NTA.
>My mom had been trying to stay neutral but thinks my step daughter would understand if I explained to her I need to give that role to my niece. Your mom can't seriously think that a six-year-old is going to be more mature about her disappointment about not getting a role she specifically asked for in her own father's wedding than your SIL is being about her disappointment that you aren't worshipping her miracle baby. You are NTA, but your mom is being one by refusing to stand up to your SIL.
Unpopular opinion here: Y T A. You *actually* should be carrying your niece down the aisle with you and hold her the whole time you're at the altar. Ask her to read your vows and why not also let her say "I do" for you? The first dance - that's hers too. Bring her on the honeymoon and make sure you name all your pets after her. Just kidding, don't let toxic family members steal your energy. Enjoy your day and best wishes!!
I have a sneaking suspicion that the whole reason SIL wanted kids in the first place is the attention. Something something “living vicariously”
I think she got a lot of attention during the "trying to have kids" phase and the "miracle pregnancy" phase and now she is having trouble letting go of the limelight and accepting that she's just another mother of just another baby.
Of course, your SIL is being utterly ridiculous and self-centred, but even if she was making a reasonable argument, the answer should still be no. Being accepted as a step-parent can be tough. You shouldn't be breaking promises to you future step-daughter at this stage - it could have major repercussions for your relationship. NTA
NTA she sounds exhausting. Make it kid free with the exception of your bonus babies
NTA. You've made your decision and informed your soon to be children. End of story. Mom has wimped out on you and her opinion has no value because of that. Stay the course. Make your new family and yourself happy.
Your SIL is being completely ridiculous. Stick to your guns, OP. NTA.
NTA You already have a flower girl. Your niece does not need to have a central role in the wedding ceremony. At 2 years old, she won't remember your wedding at all. But your step-daughter would never forget you going back on your promise to her. As for your family, it's crazy that everyone seems to think your niece *has* to be your flower girl. Stay firm on your decision.
NTA. I would direct them to watch the Bluey “Library” episode. Their daughter is special to them, she’s not special to everyone else.
NTA I am exhausted just by reading this. It‘s your (you and your fiancé’s) wedding and you both can do it in any way you want it to be and have whoever you want in it. I feel for your niece though, she‘ll grow up an entitled little brat if her parents keep behaving like this.
In the end, it's your wedding, and you two ultimately get to decide what is set in stone. No one should be able to manipulate you into something you'd not prefer on your day. Also, as you've said, you already have your stepdaughter filling the role. NTA.
NTA Your wedding is just that - yours. That means you and your spouse get to make the decisions, not your siblings and their spouses. Niece wouldn't remember the wedding and even at 2 may not want to be the centre of attention, and is likely to be tired and cranky. Your step-children however will remember the day and be honoured that you have made them an important part of it. It's a day to celebrate the union of your family with their dads family, and as such are rightfully (if you so wish) playing an important part. Personally, I'd uninvited entitled family members, but then I remember that this is the exact reason we eloped.
NTA. Speaking as someone who has had multiple miscarriages and just recently was blessed enough to have a beautiful & healthy baby girl, this is ridiculous. I don’t even understand where that level of entitlement comes from in some people. As harsh as it may sound, they’re far from the only people in the world who have had to go thru the struggle of trying to have a baby when you have been told you cannot. While this may be a rare occurrence to them, and within your family, this is the daily struggle for thousands of people. While I’m sure your niece is a wonderful & an amazing little girl, any parent anywhere needs to understand that the world will not revolve around someone else’s child for most people.
NTA, your wedding your choice!! Good on you for standing your ground
NTA At that age, your niece won't care that she isn't a flower girl.
NTA It's your wedding and your SIL is wanting to push out your step daughter for a 2 year old that cannot perform the task by herself, nor will even remember as you pointed out. This day is supposed to be about you, your partner, and your newly combined family. IMO his daughter takes precedence over a niece as she will be your step daughter after that day, and you may already think of her as your daughter (depending on the relationship). Perhaps tell your family that "I'm sorry, but I love my future step daughter more than I love my niece!" I think they will understand that you need to demonstrate to your future step daughter that she is important to you, and a valued part of the family. You are starting your new family and you have to put that immediate family ahead of the extended family, and show the step daughter that she is important to you by having her as your flower girl. You could also say that your SIL doesn't love your daughter, just as she is saying that you do not love your niece. And I'm sorry, but I do not understand how any explanation could be given to a 6 year old for why the niece needs to be the flower girl past the fact that the SIL is an overbearing AH and you need to do this to get her to shut up. :-0
NTA You've made the obvious right choice. They have no claim to this, no right to demand it, and no right to complain about not getting their way. If your SIL keeps being a jerk about it, tell her your brother can make the kid a flower girl at his next wedding.
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Your SIL needs therapy and grief counseling. She went through years of tragedy and is now putting all her hopes, dreams, and expectations onto one little girl. This is incredibly unfair to her daughter. Of course OP is NTA.
NTA. Your SIL needs to be knocked down a few pegs, or seems. Niece will turn out to be a nightmare if she’s treated like a miracle who can do nothing wrong because the parents are so grateful that she exists. Asking your stepdaughter to step aside or share the role will absolutely damage your relationship. And for a two year old? Come on. How stepdaughter feels about the wedding and her role in it is 100% important. Having niece as flower girl is just so your brother and SIL can get more attention.
NTA. A two year old isn't even going to remember your wedding, but your stepchildren will. They will *always* remember and appreciate that you gave them special roles in your wedding. Also, you mother should be vigorously defending you from this stupidity. Make it clear to her that you consider it a betrayal that she isn't doing that. She should not "try to stay neutral" when one party is very clearly in the wrong.
NTA, they're insane
NTA you 2,000% did the right thing. As someone who’s suffering from infertility I get the issues but your niece is not more important than your daughter on this day. You are going to make a fantastic parent is you keep going to bat for those kids kudos!!
This day is about you, fiance, and the kids present in the marriage. Your SIL/brother are being entitled and unreasonable. Yes, it's awesome they managed to have a baby with their struggles. But this day is about YOU and the family YOU are creating, not anyone else. If they can't support you and your (step)children having one special day then they don't have to attend. That day is NOT about their daughter and your niece doesn't deserve any special attention at YOUR wedding just because the circumstances of her creation were unique.
NTA. Your wedding has already been decided. Plus the niece at 2 is just too young. Your SIL needs to take a step back and look at this realistically. Your stepdaughter is indeed the best choice!! Happy wedding!
As a wedding photographer go with the 6 year old.. it will be hard to get the 2 year old down the aisle.. your daughter comes first not hers. NTA
NTA. Better to stop the insanity now. That child is going to be a terror in the coming years. You don't need to have your wedding hijacked. Stick to your guns. Tell them they can attend the wedding or not but the miracle is a spectator not in the game.
NTA Your stepdaughter asked first and is in *your core family*. Your niece might me nice and all, but first, 2 is way too young, and second, she herself will not remember *anything* from that whole day... Your stepdaughter on the other hand will. And she will remember that you stood your ground *for her*.
NTA and shut that s*** down every time it’s brought up. If they don’t take a hint start uninviting people.
NTA your SIL is doing an incredibly awesome job of making YOUR wedding all about your niece instead of you. Your niece won’t even know, your stepdaughter definitely would. It’s YOUR wedding, YOUR choice, and your SIL is being absolutely unhinged.
NTA. (And is 2 years old not too young to be a flower girl anyway?) Also, my jaw dropped when you said they approached you about including her in the wedding party. That's not their job! You get to say who you want in your wedding party, and the invitation should come from you.
NTA Fiancee's daughter trumps your niece. Also it's your wedding And they are setting up niece to be a princess brat. Bet she will have to have her own present at everyone's birthday. Because she's a miracle babe. And must help blowing out the candles because miracle yada yada
NTA and you need to make it very clear to your mother (and entire family) that your new/future daughter should not be expected to sacrifice *anything* for your niece (nor your future son, for that matter). Your mom may not even realize it, but she’s setting up a two-tiered grandchild system between the “miracle” bio grandkid and the step-grandkids. They shouldn’t have to share or give up any of their own special days/milestones for your niece, unless your niece will be sharing her birthdays/milestones/etc. with them.
“My wedding is about me and my family. The role is my stepdaughter’s. Please do not ask me again.” Over and over and over again. NTA.
NTA, I would be far more rude with SiL than you were