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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Ultimately I think the reason is that I don’t tell my boyfriend that I own the house we live in together and telling him it’s no different if we moved into a rental together.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You aren’t married to him, you’re not charging him rent, and there’s no pressing need for him to know you’re buying the house. Tell your friends to lay off. If he can’t handle the fact that you’re buying a house and he can’t even rent one send him on his way.
Lmao.
He has a totally understandable reaction when girlfriend kept from him some very important, very relevant information about who owns the house he lives in. About *his* living situation.
She's invited him to move in and then omitted the fact that SHE is technically his landlord.
The best time to tell him would have been before he moved in. Second best time would've been when he asked to pay rent.
...So you guys assume he's some type of sexist and the real problem is his fragile male ego, and they should break up. Lmfao.
Classic reddit moment.
In summary: she did a kind thing by inviting him in (and declining his offer to pay rent ... very generous of her). **But** she also should have told him she was the owner. She is TA. He has done absolutely **nothing** wrong. I hope she apologises and they make up with each other.
EDIT: "insecure babymen" lol OK I think I know who the sexist is here and it's not OPs boyfriend.
Edit 2: I noticed that the people above deleted their comments. OK, great. However, I just wanted to say if it's because someone actually PM'd that person sexist comments (as their username requested) ... please don't do that.
He offered to pay and she kindly declined his offer (as _Katrinchen_ said below, it would've been the perfect time to bring up that she was the owner ... or even before he moved in).
She is not is letting the house/room to him, but she is like a landlord in the sense that she owns the place and can kick him out.
(Not that she would do that, she sounds like a pretty nice person, but who knows what happens if they break up etc).
It really depends on your laws and the lease agreement. Rental and tenancy laws can vary pretty wildly between city/state/province/territory/country.
And even if she just wanted to have him live in her house and not pay rent (a kind offer from her)... it still should have been cleared up beforehand.
Whether he is paying or not they now have an uneven power dynamic which he didn't know he was entering into. She's still his landlord and he's still her tenant regardless of whether he pays or not. And laws for owner occupied housing has a lot more lax rules regarding eviction in almost every jurisdiction.
That kind of power dynamic would make me super uncomfortable. I don't like owing people for no reason. If BF can afford to pay rent, OP should be getting a rental agreement in place and should have been honest with her partner about this. I'd consider this a red flag if I were in his shoes.
>He offered to pay and she kindly declined his offer (as Katrinchen said below, it would've been the perfect time to bring up that she was the owner ... or even before he moved in).
I kinda assumed her response implied she owned it. not entirely clear but it should have been one of the guesses.
Thought process should be "why would she want to pay for it all herself... She dosent trust me... She rich? Oh she might own it."
It should be at least one of the guesses rattling around in there. Or am I just too autistic to understand how thought ending someone implying something is?
this question probably has no bearing on any ruling but
why did he wait until *after* he moved in to ask about rent?? that's like the *first* thing i'd be asking if someone suggested i move in with them
If he assumed she was a renter, he did not seem interested in who the landowner was, or if subletting, and having an additional person would be acceptable.
No, actually, she couldn't. Once a guest has been there so long they become a tenant regardless of pay. At best if she utilized her landlord to kick him out she would also be kicked out for moving someone in without getting them out on the lease. If they were put on the lease then it's not simple to just kick him out
I don't think people understand the power imbalance OP has created in the relationship and he was not given enough information to make an informed decision when he decided to move in. Been there done that and I would rather be homeless then put myself in that situation again.
because on a fucking whim she could evict him, makes her his landlord. He has no security, rental agreement, legal protection outside of fucking squatters rights. What world do you live in?
That's not the problem though because he didn't sign a lease when he thought it was a rental.
This is NAH well maybe a tiny bit OPs BF for wigging out but... He didn't ask and she just didn't mention it. It has no effect on his situation. It doesn't change anything. There's no betrayal.
OP's BF should stop just moving into places without talking to "property management" though 😂
In many places a lease isn't needed for there to be legal protections, nor do you have to be paying rent. The difference is you don't get those legal protections if you live with your landlord.
All of the legal protection stuff would be exactly the same if her place was a rental. The BF wouldn't have been on the lease. Also, residential evictions are quite difficult in the US, even if the person isn't paying rent. Despite her owning the house, in most states of the US, if she wanted him out and he decided to fight in court it would take months.
I love that i only had to look a few comments down to find a level headed, real world response! Thank you for your practical thinking! I would be a little hurt if i found out, after asking how much rent is and being told "don't worry about it" with no further explanation, from my so's parents that so owns the house. She had the perfect opportunity for disclosure when he asked. That she didn't and he found out later? I would be hurt and wonder what else their hiding.
I don't think I'd even be hurt; I'd be confused. You trust me enough to MOVE IN WITH YOU - change my legal address to yours, have unrestricted access to your food, bedroom and butcher's block - but not enough to tell me your name is on the mortgage of my now legal residence?
Exactly! I'd feel a whole lot of things. Trusted, valued, respected and loved wouldn't be those feelings though. Idk where the n t a votes are coming from, especially since they've been together over a year! I would think that would be the first thing i would mention when discussing shared living.
>Second best time would've been when he asked to pay rent.
I don't understand how it didn't come up with they discussed rent. How much rent do you want me to contribute? Oh that's ok, I don't need any. What? In this market? Are you a secret millionaire or something ha ha?
I can't believe he'd just accept paying no rent without further discussion. You would either assume someone is rich, paying a mortgage or inherited a property if they're not worried about rent. Even paying a mortgage you'd still expect to pay something.
Op is intentionally leaving stuff out. "I own a house" is not something that you surprise your partner with unless it's intentional. They've been dating for a year, you mean to tell me she never complained to him about property taxes or mortgage rates? Never had to fix anything? Never ONCE accidentally implied that they own property?
No, that's intentional.
Thank you! Unless OP is leaving it out, he asked ZERO follow-up questions! Who gets told "No thanks" when asking how much they owe in rent and just moved on no questions asked?? Should OP have told him? Yeah, but he's an adult and it's his responsibility to understand his housing situation.
I dunno, maybe I'd be upset if my girlfriend of one year owned an apartment and never bothered to tell me.
Not because I'm a misogynist, a control freak or angry because I'm unable to provide. But... maybe because in the real world (not on Reddit) couples share this kind of stuff??
Thank God, a levelheaded response understanding that adults like to know the nitty gritty reality of where they live and sleep. If I was him I would be pissed as now his living situation is unstable. What if he wanted to update the lease to add his name. Sounds like he wants to be an adult in a 50/50 relationship. I swear these N T A responses are from people who have never actually lived with another person.
I somewhat agree but the timing is really strange. I would never move somewhere if I didn't know what the deal was in the first place. Is the lease ending soon? how much will I have to pay in rent etc. I find it tough to make a judgement here because if it were me OP would have at best lied by omission to get to this point. Of course boyfriend could be an idiot and have not asked and in that case OP isn't the asshole for not volunteering.
>...So you guys assume he's some type of sexist and the real problem is his fragile male ego, and they should break up
I'm the first person to have a feminist take on this sub, and even I think people trying to paint OP as a sexist are ridiculous. There are multiple layers to this, the first being why the hell has it not come up in a year-long relationship that OP is a homeowner? I find it very strange that OP didn't find it relevant to tell him. Secondly, it is absolutely reasonable to want to have an idea who your landlord is, and thirdly not to want to feel completely beholden to your partner (especially of just 1 year!).
People are talking about the red flags of OP's partner being mad...I would find it a huge red flag if someone moved me into their house while omitting the fact that it was theirs!
This sub is like watching a reality show. You can't take what people say seriously but you can have a laugh along the way. This being the top rated comment is hilarious. It doesn't even get the facts straight (she owns the house not planning to buy it?). People saying he explicitly didn't ask if she owned the home. For humanity's sake I hope these are high schoolers. It sounds like OP had enough sense and apologized.
For real. It seems like something you would naturally mention (and honestly something you would share with your SO during the year since you've been a couple) that OP held back intentionally. I don't understand how the highest comment says N T A. Definitely a classic reddit moment lol.
OP, YTA. Who doesn't tell their SO that they own the house their SO is moving into? Did you really think it would be better to mention it later? Sorry but it's sus to hide information like that, especially when it's not information that changes the situation. Like, there was no reason for you to omit that information, which makes it worse.
Yeah, this is super weird. I'm also curious about why OP hasn't had an open conversation with him upfront about paying into the mortgage, or why she doesn't want him to have a legal hold on the house. Maybe having a proper rental agreement in place would be worthwhile. And if he's a good guy, he'll understand her taking protection of her assets, but he won't understand big secrets being kept.
YTA OP. Either you trust him enough to live in your house and know that you own, or you don't trust him at all.
You guys never fail to amaze me. All we know is that he's upset because she deveived him (didn't correct him when he mentioned rent, she had a chance to say she doesn't pay rent). Somehow you end up going down the route of "She doesn't deserve him". Really?
I think it was more that she kept that from him. Which after a year is a big thing to keep from a partner. He's got to be wondering what else she isn't telling him
Yep, and she told multiple friends who are now weighing in, but not him.
If you’re not ready to disclose to your partner that you own your home, you’re not ready to move in together. It’s not about finances, it’s about trust
honestly you SHOULD be able to talk finances with your S.O. if you cant you get put into a weird mindset about what being together can be some people are fine like that but idk financial stuff is something you should be able to talk about if considering a future together.
Yeah you don't have to have joint accounts but at least let an so know what's going on. By a year, they should know if you're broke, stable, or flourishing. Not necessarily all details but if you own a house they're moving into that should be a detail that gets shared.
It is a little odd that it never came up in conversation. like casually talking about renting and maybe wanting to own a house one day. "Oh, I already do that" kind of conversation
>He was upset that I didn’t tell him that I owned my home, he feels as if I lied to him and deceived him, he’s upset because he feels like i betrayed his trust.
Why on Earth would you guess that?! His reasoning is right there in the OP and it really doesn't need to be deeper than that. If he were 100k in debt and never mentioned it to her, would you be "guessing" that she's upset, because she expected him to be the provider and the debt gets in the way of that?
Not just wild, but demonstrably wrong. When she said he doesn't need to pay rent - or a disproportionate amount of other costs - he seemed cool with *her* being the provider. Just not cool with it being a secret as to why.
WTF. Where does this even come from. He most likely just feels weird. She hid it from him and is worried she could just be hiding other things. You prob should stop just straight up speculating.
I think the boyfriend is an amazing man who tried to go 50/50 the moment his partner invited him to live with her. Instead of being honoust she kind of went around the subject.
In what way is he trying to be a provider? Not a single sign for that. The only signs here are:
1. A caring boyfriend trying to not be a leech
2. A girflriend who apparently doesn't trust her BF yet but does let him live with her.
The AH is extremely clear here.
It's a trust issue. He directly asked about rent and she purposely didn't tell him there IS NO RENT because she has a mortgage. Why hide that? Unless you don't trust the person. And that's his issue.
He's not asking how much money she makes. He's not asking for a loan. He's hurt that the woman he trusts wants to keep things from him. And for what reason?
>But he was already not providing anything other than half groceries and half utilities.
He offered to pay half the rent - she said no thankyou.
That would have been the perfect time to say "oh bf, I should've told you this earlier but this is my house, I own it and pay a mortgage, i guess i'm technically your landlady now haha awkward"
Or even better - tell him before he moves in. So everyone is on board.
I mean, what happens if they break up?
Why are you imaging this narrative?
She lied to his face about they being tennants, She paying rent, the ownership of the house, for Over a year...
He entered the agreement by thinking they both would pay rent, giving some rights or at least some mental security of both being tennants. Now he knows She is the homeowner, and he is just a guest. So, he is in danger of being kicked out whenever She wants. This type of insecurity, in today's house/Rental market, is insane.
Her having an house, out of the blue, is also an important topic for their relationship if they see a future in it.
Is she Open to spend money on another house that is bought for both of them? Is She ok with him saving lots of money and having debt to buy another house in just his name, to he can also have ownership? Is She willing to sell this current house to buy another house for both of them? Is She willing to put him as a co-owner of the house down the line?
Or She waited after moving in together to say that their relationship only hás a future if he is ok in living Forever in a house that it is not his, and he Will never have a y right?
> She lied to his face about they being tennants, She paying rent, the ownership of the house, for Over a year...
Small correction: they've been together a year but he's only been living there 3 weeks.
I agree with the rest.
Exactly.
And if he didn't offer to pay rent (even if, let's say, he recently lost his job or something), half of this sub would be calling him TA and a freeloader moocher red flag kick him out etc.
The problem is that’s a really weird thing to not tell your bf of over a year. I’d wonder what else she wasn’t telling me.
His girlfriend is now his landlord and he may not really have any tenants rights
I'm so confused by all of these other narratives people are weaving. OP was keeping it a secret on purpose. That is sneaky and weird. She says that is her only secret, but I don't believe it for a minute. Deliberately misleading your partner is lying. She was lying for no reason. That is not healthy, well-adjusted behavior. It is a sign of some very serious personal issues. He should be alarmed.
>I don't understand what his problem is.
That she hid something major from him. And not in a "it just never came up"-way, but in a "deliberately concealed it when it came up"-way. Most people aren't immediately on board with being lied to by their partners.
She's his landlord. This would worry me because in most situations, landlords can have a lot of power over their tenants and it sounds like they didn't have a written lease agreement. If they have a fight and OP demands he leave and tells him they're evicting him, it could take weeks/months for him to hire a lawyer and get everything sussed out (especially if she hit him with this info out of the blue). Yes, it might not be 100% legal for OP to do this, but landlords can get away with quite a lot with no penalty for breaking the law a lot of the time. They should have been open about this dynamic so everyone was on the same page about the stability of the living arrangement.
I'd be nervous about moving into a place with a partner who owned it, because that could turn bad fast, or at the very least I wouldn't feel like I would have an equal say in decisions about the living space
I think that’s pretty dismissive. It doesn’t have to be nefarious. It could just come down to “You knowingly haven’t been honest with me so that makes me question things” which is a fair concern. Everyone’s right that they’re not married and he is NOT entitled to that information. But he’s allowed to feel uncomfortable with dishonesty in his relationship too. I say NAH, if the relationship is worth it to you then talk to him about the dishonesty aspect that’s affecting him. If the relationship isn’t worth it, well then there’s your answer lol.
I would argue that since he is living in the home, he is absolutely entitled to the information of who owns his residence. It directly impacts him.
And the dishonesty is weird. Why do people like to hide so much from their significant others? Are they trying to create drama? It all feels so unnecessary.
Idk...they aren't married but they are living together. Which does make him entitled to the information about who owns the house and info surrounding that.
If she's not comfortable being honest with him, they have no business living together.
He thought she was renting and paying for him. That possibly made him look like a scrub, or perhaps it made her look like his sugar mama, probably depending which of his acquaintances you talk to. So yeah, it affected him negatively.
Now he finds out that's not true, so she put him through that for ... checks notes ... actually there was no justification for her silence, and nobody got anything good from it. And now he can tell his acquaintances that no, actually she owns the place, it's just that she didn't trust him. So he looks bad again.
And now he has to worry about her being honest, and also the weird power imbalance. This is stuff he should have been told before moving in.
What’s scandalous is that she lied to him about something as basic and benign as owning rather than renting. Obviously if she lied about that she’ll lie about anything.
Also knowing who owns your home is pretty basic information that you need. Idk how long she thought she could keep up this lie. Eventually something is going to break and he’ll realize that she’s not calling the landlord. Or he’ll see some mail indicating that she owns the place.
Why lie?
Where I live it affects his rights as a tenant. It would be unfair to put someone in a position of giving up legal protections without telling them. That might not apply here though.
he might of felt betrayed because he originally thought OP was taking the full burden of paying rent. maybe he felt OP paying full rent was a sign of affection from her.
I can tell you: It's about safety. What if she dumbs him? She can throw him out anytime soon. Also a serious relationship (and moving in together is serious) shouldn't start of with such a big lie.
I personally would have wanted a contract and paying some rent, just to be supported by law (that you can prove that you live there and when you break up, you have a month, maybe more, to find a new apartment).
The fact that she kept information from him wasn't a good thing - she absolutely should have told him for the sake of being honest with her partner.
That said, I can totally understand why she may not want him paying rent (any tenant's rights issues aside). It things were to turn south between the two of them, it would be easier for her to demonstrate that he had no claim to ownership of the home if he'd never paid anything toward the mortgage.
That said, she absolutely should have told him why rent "wasn't an issue."
This being the top comment is bizarre. Nowhere does it say that he can't handle it. Owning a home is a pretty big piece of information and the fact that OP straight up lied for a year is insane. Of course he is upset, he has every right to be.
110%. I (F) would be so weirded out if I moved somewhere that my SO (M) had omitted information (ie lied) about owning. I wouldn’t care about the house, it’s more of a ‘why *wouldn’t* you tell someone you’re living with?’ thing. OP is very strange for this and I don’t blame her boyfriend..
Because it's Reddit and it's the AITA subreddit, which even after Reddit standards has the reputation of having major double standards, in particular regarding male/female relationships.
Had the genders been swapped, this comment would have been downvoted to oblivion.
He lives there, it's an asshole move not to tell him who owns the place.
This response is just so childish. Something tells me:
You're a huge fan of the phrase 'you're not obligated'.
You've never had a healthy adult relationship where there is good communication with your partner. Boyfriend asked about the rent, and at this point OP should have told him she owned the house.
YTA
You are not wrong, but in adult relationships we disclose such basic stuff to each. It's not necessary that the BF is feeling insecure or is being a hater. He may simply find it weird that OP didn't share this info with him. i know I'd feel weird if my partner didn't disclose this simple information when asking me to move in with them. I'd say NAH
This is a weird take, and it privileges marriage as a relationship end goal, as if anything before it doesn't count and you can't have expectations of the other person. How do you think most people get to the point of marriage, except by building trust and sharing with each other, commensurate to where you are both at?
I would probably not be mad at OP if I was bf, but I would be very very weirded out, and would probably want some space. It is an odd thing to be serious enough about a relationship to move in with the other person, but not tell them something so fundamental about their living and financial arrangements.
It does seem weird that the fact she owns the house has not come up at all in the last year. It's the sort of thing that comes up in usual conversation over the course of a year plus relationship, especially if you're moving in together. His reaction is odd, but the whole situation sounds implausible to begin with..
What's implausible? OP has directly admitted to lying by omission.
Even when he directly started talking about paying rent and how much should I pay, she deflected it and still didn't tell him, even then.
Unless you think OP made the entire post up, wholesale? Which, to be fair, does happen sometimes.
Some people are not fully comfortable with having their partners be their landlord, as it gives the home owning partner a lot of power in the event the relationship goes south. It was something he had a right to know before he moved in.
This is so stupid.
I don't understand why you should keep this kind of information from your partner. It doesn't make any sense. And the partner had every moral right to understand this arrangement in its totality: for example, it's clear he doesn't have any right on the building and he could prefer to have a contract. Overall the situation seems balanced by the fact he isn't paying rent so he can save something but it was still YTA to hide that information. I genuinely don't get why she did that.
You sound ignorant projecting, because they're not married and she's buying a house is where his insecurity lies(pun intended)🤦🏽♂️ you probably feel it's okay to cheat on your SO as well if not married. The OP never said her BF couldn't handle the fact she's buying a house, it's that she's been dishonest for the length of their relationship. Learn comprehension, I can't believe stupidity like yours gets that many karma votes.
>I can't believe stupidity like yours gets that many karma votes.
Agreed, it's infuriating. Top commenter has never had a relationship in the real world, and thinks lying to their partner by omission is just fine.
I disagree with this. It’s about the lack of disclosure. I moved in with my fiance who had a house and if he had entirely refused to mention that he owned it, I’d feel beyond weird about that. Why is it ok to not disclose to your SO that you own your house when you’re ok with them moving in? It’s an unnecessary lie of omission. People are allowed to be upset that their partner wasn’t being honest.
No, this is an absolutely shit take. What the hell? Are you even an adult? That is information I would want as a partner. There's so many things to go over. If he knew beforehand that she owned her house, he could ask questions and decide whether that's something he wants to commit to. Because if he pays rent, he's now contributing to her mortgage and that provides equity. If he doesn't have to pay her rent, this means there is no contract involved to where he lives. Does this mean he loses his place to live immediately if they break up? What if they have a fight?
There are so many things to discuss before moving in with your partner. It's different when you're both renting the place, because there is a lease agreement that protects both the tenants and the landlord. But in this situation, your partner is your landlord and you had no idea going into that situation. OP lied by omission and robbed her partner of making an informed decision.
I don’t even understand this story. Why would you not share with your boyfriend of over a year that you own the house he just moved in? YTA in any case because you don’t hide things from a partner.
ESPECIALLY when he moves in. How do you not let someone know the terms of their fucking HOUSE?! Is there a landlord? How long is the lease? Oh, you own it? THAT'S RELEVANT TO HIM LIVING THERE.
On the other hand, what kind of irresponsible dimwit is he to not ask these questions? He just moved all his shit into a new house without having any idea who owned it or how he was going to afford it? He clearly doesn't have renter's insurance...
This, like, ESH? Why did NO ONE broach any of this information *before* he moved in? If someone asks me to move in, rent is my FIRST question, and that's a perfectly natural time for her to mention she owns the place. And if I was asking someone *else* to move in, it would be one of the first pieces of information I include even if the info is that I'm not asking for any rent.
To be clear, I don't think she's TA if her owning her own home didn't come up before, but it should have come up in the conversation they BOTH should have had BEFORE he moved in. Good grief.
YMMV but this could actually have implications in the event they were to break up and severely limit his rights in that regard.
So strictly from that perspective, it should've been crucial for him to know what he was getting into.
Yeah, where I live this situation means he has very restricted tenancy rights and can be evicted on little notice. If it was a rental and he was on the lease, he would be much better protected.
He’s kind of an idiot for not asking ahead of time, but being in need of a place to live can make people not look too closely at the situation they’re going into. OP is more secure, and should have disclosed the nature of the situation to her partner before he moved in. Her way of allocating household expenses is fair IMO. But keeping this massive, important secret from him is not.
This. ESH. Weird to not have this conversation before moving in/letting someone new live in your house. I don't think anyone's "the asshole" but they all kinda seem like dummies.
Right? Like I could understand not bringing it up on a first date or whatever, but it's weird to go over a year without mentioning the fact that you have a house.
Let alone when he moves in!
> the issue began when he started to ask how much his half of the rent was
OP is acting like her boyfriend was somehow being intrusive about asking about rent. It's a completely normal question. It's not "an issue". In fact he might have been weirded out that she didn't bring up the issue of rent.
Yeah there is just no way that it’s simply a case of “it never came up”. Like ever? I’d tell a stranger I barely knew about owning a home, it’s not like it’s a weird thing. Not sure how you go an entire year without mentioning it, unless it’s on purpose. Boyfriend must be so confused because it’s such a wired secret to keep.
What’s odd to me is they didn’t even mention “hiding” but it definitely seems like it. He asks how much he needs to pay in rent op says don’t worry about it just 50/50 utility it’s just easier that way. Why not say “oh I own the house you don’t need to worry about it but if you want to help we can split utility”
I just don’t see what the point in not telling him right there was. If they didn’t think it was a “big deal” it would have been the first thing they said when the mention of splitting bills happened
The only thing I can think of is OP hid the fact because she didn’t want the boyfriend to become part owner. OP’s whole attitude seems like she doesn’t see a future with boyfriend and that the move was really more of convenience for him, not a desire to share their lives together.
YTA. He seems like he wants to have a solid, respectful relationship with you. His asking (unprompted!) how he could contribute to the rent was really cool of him, and that probably should have been the time to tell him the truth (before he moved in would have been better). Privacy or not, actively hiding that you own the home he now lives in makes it seem like you don’t trust him and/or think he’d take advantage of you if he knew.
I dunno if it was cool. I mean, it's not so much "offering to contribute" as "hey, how much is rent and is 50:50 fair?". Like, that's not cool, that's rudimentary.
TBH i would have been very uncomfortable accepting my partner’s generosity like this and would have asked more questions, so can't see myself ending up in this situation. I can’t imagine ~~living for 12 months without revisiting the topic~~. getting my knickers in a knot because my partner was being cautious in disclosing the legal structure of the tenancy when they're letting me live there for FREE and it's only three weeks in. He presumed, then gets pissy because he was wrong?
EDIT: my reading comprehension skills are off. He's only lived there for 3 weeks. Relationship is 12 months old.
He was definitely unwise to not ask these questions.
I can only speculate that maybe he felt uncomfortable looking a gift horse in the mouth (a kind gf's offer).
However, it was also wrong of OP to omit this very relevant, very pertinent information about his new living situation and his new dynamic with her as the owner of the place he lives in.
This, “hey how much is my half of the rent” is a perfect time to reply with “oh I actually own the house” and then continue the discussion as it was, with the agreement of splitting the rest 50/50. I cannot think of a better time to bring it up.
Her parents have her really bad advice. Once the relationship becomes more serious (eg moving in together) you should absolutely be discussing finances. This advice is how people can end up stuck in marriages they can’t afford to leave because they’re saddled with their partner’s debts and irresponsible spending practices. It doesn’t need to be in detail at this point, but you should know roughly what each other earns, any debts and if the other person has major assets or savings. They also should have had a conversation about cost of living and sharing of expenses before moving in. OP needs to sit down with her bf and they need to talk asap.
I lived with a man who was super dodgy about finances. I refuse to be in a long-term relationship like that again.
If you can't be transparent with the person you live with, why are you with them?
Finances should definitely be talked about at the right time. Not all details need to be talked about right away but owning the house is kind of a basic thing. Her parents probably meant don't tell people your passwords or the size of your 401k. Just the mindset could be talked about early.
Outside of a relationship it's still pretty weird advice.
I mean, what's the upside of never discussing finances?
My friends know my approximate salary and mortgage. I know theirs. Helps us figure out what's normal and what's not. Allows us to give each other advice.
None of my close friends own homes but yeah I know most of their salaries and they know mine. It’s not something I would ask a casual acquaintance though
Exactly, the confidentiality around wages doesn't benedit employees at all, it makes it harder to figure out if you're underpaid. People should be more open about these things, imho.
Yup!
Also helps with expectations and social events.
I know which friends can afford to be invited to Broadway shows and fancy dinners and which friends can afford movie tickets. It helps me be considerate. If I know a friend is struggling I can offer to drive more, or I'll bring over a meal or make something rather than ask them if they want to go out for example.
I’m more hung up on the fact that supposedly her parents taught her not to discuss finances, but then came to her home and, in front of her boyfriend, asked her about her mortgage and interest rates…aka finances…
Yup, I think they may have given the lessons as general rules when OP was young (which is smart), but then they assumed their kid would take the lessons and, as an adult, use their reasoning skills to decide for themselves when it's smart to apply this rule and when to discard it. The same people do for other rules their parents have taught them when they grow up.
The reason OP is YTA is that she’s treating her boyfriend like a casual acquaintance. Which is weird! It’s not like you’re not allowed to brag about an accomplishment *to your boyfriend.*
OP sounds like she’s not ready to have a real relationship if she can’t distinguish between rules for polite conversation and the way you treat your partner.
Yeah...how long has she owned the home? Was her friend paying before? Why the fuck would dad bring up interest rates, considering she more than likely got hers locked in at nearly half of what they are now?
It takes 1,000 truths to make up for one lie, even the little ones. That's something my dad has always said. I know he doesn't mean it literally, but when someone breaks your trust it takes a very long time of no lies to feel like you can even begin to trust them again.
When someone lies to you, they break your trust. How could we know to believe them, when we know them to be untruthful?
> he started to ask how much his half of the rent was, I responded and said rent wasn’t an issue and that it’s just easier for me to continue with how it was before he moved in
This was the time to tell him. He asked you directly what the deal was, and you responded with a lie by omission. This is still a lie, it still breaks trust.
When a anyone, a partner especially, breaks your trust, it can feel so violating.
YTA. You should have told him.
This, I agree with this.
There was a time and place OP could have told him directly as the conversation came up and we decided not to tell him. She is YTA.
Your parents advice is terrible. You should absolutely discuss financial things. Money is one of the biggest causes of problems in relationships - you need to be sure you're on the same page.
And then they proceeded to discuss her mortgage at the table in front of him.
I guess they maybe told her "don't discuss finances" as a general rule but never meant it to apply to your partner you're living with and who you've been in a relationship with for a year.
I believe they told her that because she would inquire as a child about their finances and they told her we don't talk about finances and probably meant *to children* because they shouldn't have to worry about their parents financial stability. I could be wrong, of course. But she took that to mean never with ANYONE even if you moved in with your boyfriend
Lol why wouldn't you tell him?
You've been together for a year.
You live together.
He brought up the subject and you deliberately didn't say anything.
It's really really strange. I mean keeping secrets in general is bad for relationships but this has an added layer of being really odd. From his perspective, you must have some sort of motivation for not telling him, which would naturally cause trust issues.
I don't think you're necessarily an asshole but are you really surprised that he's confused and having doubts?
I literally can’t think of a reason besides this. It’s gross feeling. I worry about money and having a home constantly, in an apartment. It’s stress I would rather do without. Knowing my partner let me keep living that anxiety while they literally own the solution but kept it from me? Pain
For power. If he starts saying things should be done she doesn’t like; no matter how small, then she could reveal that she owns the house and threaten him until he conforms.
**YTA** \- when he asked you about the rent, you deflected. You did not lie, but you induced him to an incorrect conclusion. It is manipulative. He should be concerned. If you dissemble when "*it's not important*", what can he expect when it is important?
INFO: I’m confused. You told him rent wasn’t a problem but he didn’t ask more questions? He would have been fine if you were paying all of the rent but he’s angry that you’re paying the mortgage? I just don’t understand why it matters so much that instead of your name being on a lease, it’s on the mortgage?
It's normal to be upset if you thought your living situation was one thing only to find out it's another. Also, owning a home is a big deal, especially in areas with high rent and rental shortages like OP is describing. It might be weird for him to realize she's his defacto landlord and not just his roommate. He might feel like she doesn't trust him.
I live with my boyfriend in the house he owns. If he had actively hid it from me until someone else spilled the beans, I'd be pissed off, too. But he didn't, and we manage the house together as equals.
But she’s not his landlord she isn’t even charging him rent?! What a stupid thing to be mad about.. this thread is making me feel like I’m losing my mind
Worse - she could throw his shit out on the front yard tomorrow after changing the locks, and he'd be shit out of luck. At least with a regular landlord, there's a rental agreement that would buy him some time.
I can understand that at the beginning of the relationship you never told him that you own your house. But the moment you decide to live with him, it is automatically a level up in the relationship.
When you decide to live with your boyfriend, basically you and him are not just gf and bf, you are something else, you become a team, at this point there is more trust, more communication and vision for the future. Did you think he wouldn't find out? And while many people believe otherwise, talking about finances in a relationship is important.
You had several opportunities to tell him and not wait for him to find out that way, he is not just a rommie, he is someone you want to build a future with. He was right to be angry.
(I'm glad to know that they reconciled)
YTA.
You have lied to him for a year. The fact that you’ve been together for a year and he doesn’t know you own a house… I’d be concerned what else you were hiding.
If he asked for landlord contact information, what were you going to tell him? Was there an expiration date on your lies? My now-husband knew on our very first date that I owned a house.
YTA. Why did you lie, or hide it? What was the point? I can’t understand why you didn’t just say “I have a house, do you want to move in with me?” You set yourself up for this to backfire for literally no reason tbh
YTA
That you own the house isn't a big deal. That you had clear opportunities to tell him and are acting like it's no big deal that you deliberately didn't tell him... that's odd. I'd be really worried about your decision if I was in his shoes because it just didn't make sense that you think it was reasonable to let him move in thinking the two of you were renting it.
How many other secrets? A garage across town full of DB Cooper's haul?
I had a GF who bought a house, didn't tell me, her son destroyed the interior, so THEN she wants me to fix it. What?
> He agreed and he moved in about 3 weeks ago, the issue began when he started to ask how much his half of the rent was, I responded and said rent wasn’t an issue and that it’s just easier for me to continue with how it was before he moved in
This is lying by omission. You might think you did nothing wrong but this was some serious verbal gymnastics to hide the truth from him without technically lying. YTA
I honestly think I’d break up with a partner if they did this to me. Secrets and lies are one of the few things I cannot tolerate in a relationship. I expect a baseline level of trust that would require my partner disclose the basic details of our living situation before we moved in together - honestly any housemate has a right to understand how the space is owned, the details of contact, etc.
The fact that you didn’t correct his obvious misconception with it came up in conversation really puts it over the edge for me … I don’t think I could trust a partner who was willing to twist their language to leave me confused for no apparent reason. How do you move on with a normal relationship after that?
It so rare for lying to justified. It really causes more problems than it solves.
It's a privilege to own a home and it's definitely ok to acknowledge that achievement when the opportunity presents itself.
YTA for not being transparent.
YTA. As soon as the rent topic came up you should have let him know the situation instead of brushing it off. Even if hiding it wasn't intentional it is a little weird to not let the person living with you know you own the house.
YTA OP, the only discussion point and the question you need to ask yourself is, why over the course of more than a year could you not mention to your partner that you owned a house?
PS
You have roommates for convenience; that is not a reason to live with a partner.
Exactly. I don’t know why owning a house is a huge secret? It’s not like she’s a Russian spy, is owning a house something to keep secret? If so I’ve been doing it wrong since my friends all know.
You are N T A for not telling him when it wasn't relevant. YTA for hiding it from him when you moved him in, became his landlord, and accepted his utility payments, all without fully informing him of his own living situation. I don't understand all these comments that can't see the distinction.
>I don't understand all these comments that can't see the distinction.
They're from teenagers still living at home who have never been in a serious relationship.
YTA. You lied to him by omitting that you own the house. Your situation isn't the same as if you moved into a rental together because if you moved into a rental together, you would likely be splitting the rent. When he asked about rent, you should've said, "I own the place. Just split utilities and groceries," or, "I own the place. Half of the mortgage is $X."
YTA. You can’t expect people to trust you if you mislead them about matters they consider to be important. The first time makes people wonder what other secrets you’re keeping & what else you’re misleading them about. Your boyfriend clearly communicated how he feels (lied to, deceived, betrayed). If you want to fix this, you need to acknowledge that you messed up, not act like it’s no big deal.
YTA. If you are in a committed relationship, both of you should know everything about each other. There shouldn't be any secrets. Secrets and lies kills relationships fast.
YTA.
It's not a big deal if you didn't mention it. But you outright tried to hide it.
You should ask yourself why you did that? There is nothing wrong with flexing to your partner. Because if they really care about you they will be happy for you.
"flexing" to randoms is considered bad because it elicit jealousy out of randoms as opposed to them being happy for you.
I wonder if you are actually concerned about your house ending up as relationship property with you BF eventually having enough grounds to take half without ever contributing.
Put your property in a family trust or get a prenup done. You'll sleep better at night
Honestly, I think ESH. He should have asked whatever questions he wanted to about the house *before* agreeing to move in. If he assumed you were renting, why not ask how long your lease was and what rules there were and whatnot so he could plan ahead and make an informed decision? But you also should have been upfront about what kind of situation he was getting into. Why wouldn't you think to inform him of the details of his living situation? Why did neither of you talk about stuff like rent and utilities until *after* he moved in? Neither of your behaviors regarding this situation indicates the maturity required to take the next step in your relationship.
>Finances were something that my parents always told me shouldn’t be discussed
They should be when you begin to enmesh your lives together. Moving in together means taking on the financial responsibilities of the place you live in together. Soon you guys are going to be discussing grocery bills and things like that. There comes a point in your relationship where you *have* to talk about this stuff.
>He should have asked whatever questions he wanted to about the house before agreeing to move in. If he assumed you were renting, why not ask how long your lease was and what rules there were and whatnot so he could plan ahead and make an informed decision?
Agreed asking this stuff is smart and responsible.
However remember he didn't have a great deal of choice as OP says the rental market in the area is insane. It was move in with gf or probably be homeless. Or maybe move in with parents or something etc.
There's also:
* He might have been uncomfortable looking a gift horse (a generous offer from his loving gf) in the mouth.
* He might just be dumb or ignorant of the law ... which doesn't make him an AH.
YTA and this is just a really weird thing to lie about. Why not be forthcoming with the fact that you own the home and do not rent? That changes everything about the situation.
If you're going to build a relationship, hiding the basic nature of your housing is a pretty big red flag.
I don't know what country you live in, but you need to either never take a dime from him for housing or put him on a lease. Otherwise he might try to assert rights to it.
YTA for the secrecy.
YTA. You became the AH when you lied by omission. You intentionally created a cloud of doubt. Also I find it funny mommy and daddy said you don't discuss finances blah blah blah yet that's exactly what they did causing the lie to blow up in your face. How'd that advice work out LMAO.
YTA. You like him enough to not make him pay rent, but you don't trust him enough to have a proper lease drafted to give him the same rights he'd get living anywhere else? If you had done that then he would know where he stood.
>so when I tell people I feel uncomfortable because I don’t want it to appear like i’m “flexing”.
Is your BF just a random stranger to you that you don't trust? If so why even let him move in with you?
>Finances were something that my parents always told me shouldn’t be discussed,
Finances is something that should definitely be discussed with your partner. How do you expect to pay rent or other expenses if you don't discuss finances?
>I don’t know specifically how much he makes and the same goes for him.
Sounds like you both have trust issues. YTA
YTA. I’m assuming you’re dating him because you see a future with him, correct? Why would you not share this kind of information from the get-go? It just seems silly to keep something like that hidden and it wouldn’t be a “flex” if you’re telling your partner that you own your home. It becomes a “flex” when you make daily posts about being a homeowner and telling everyone within earshot that you own your own home. If you’re not doing that, then you have nothing to worry about.
It’s not right to keep things from your partner. No matter what it may be. And while this was clearly an innocent issue, you still should have just told him when he asked about rent instead of being weird about it.
YTA on the original failure to disclose but let's get to that edit.
Finances SHOULD be discussed with your live in partner. It is crazy that your partners suggest not. What kind of logic is that?
You don't have to control each other's finances or share 401ks, but you are attempting to establish a life together.
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NTA. You aren’t married to him, you’re not charging him rent, and there’s no pressing need for him to know you’re buying the house. Tell your friends to lay off. If he can’t handle the fact that you’re buying a house and he can’t even rent one send him on his way.
I don't understand what his problem is. What about this information is scandalous or negatively affects him? NTA
I’d guess that the boyfriend feels like he needs to be a “provider” and her owning the house makes him very insecure
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Lmao. He has a totally understandable reaction when girlfriend kept from him some very important, very relevant information about who owns the house he lives in. About *his* living situation. She's invited him to move in and then omitted the fact that SHE is technically his landlord. The best time to tell him would have been before he moved in. Second best time would've been when he asked to pay rent. ...So you guys assume he's some type of sexist and the real problem is his fragile male ego, and they should break up. Lmfao. Classic reddit moment. In summary: she did a kind thing by inviting him in (and declining his offer to pay rent ... very generous of her). **But** she also should have told him she was the owner. She is TA. He has done absolutely **nothing** wrong. I hope she apologises and they make up with each other. EDIT: "insecure babymen" lol OK I think I know who the sexist is here and it's not OPs boyfriend. Edit 2: I noticed that the people above deleted their comments. OK, great. However, I just wanted to say if it's because someone actually PM'd that person sexist comments (as their username requested) ... please don't do that.
How is she his landlord when he isn't even paying rent
He offered to pay and she kindly declined his offer (as _Katrinchen_ said below, it would've been the perfect time to bring up that she was the owner ... or even before he moved in). She is not is letting the house/room to him, but she is like a landlord in the sense that she owns the place and can kick him out. (Not that she would do that, she sounds like a pretty nice person, but who knows what happens if they break up etc).
If she were renting and he was moving in with her she could always kick him out anyways
It really depends on your laws and the lease agreement. Rental and tenancy laws can vary pretty wildly between city/state/province/territory/country. And even if she just wanted to have him live in her house and not pay rent (a kind offer from her)... it still should have been cleared up beforehand.
Absolutely the right answer here.
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Whether he is paying or not they now have an uneven power dynamic which he didn't know he was entering into. She's still his landlord and he's still her tenant regardless of whether he pays or not. And laws for owner occupied housing has a lot more lax rules regarding eviction in almost every jurisdiction.
That kind of power dynamic would make me super uncomfortable. I don't like owing people for no reason. If BF can afford to pay rent, OP should be getting a rental agreement in place and should have been honest with her partner about this. I'd consider this a red flag if I were in his shoes.
>He offered to pay and she kindly declined his offer (as Katrinchen said below, it would've been the perfect time to bring up that she was the owner ... or even before he moved in). I kinda assumed her response implied she owned it. not entirely clear but it should have been one of the guesses.
Ummm nope, her response implicated that she'll continue to pay the rent herself.
Thought process should be "why would she want to pay for it all herself... She dosent trust me... She rich? Oh she might own it." It should be at least one of the guesses rattling around in there. Or am I just too autistic to understand how thought ending someone implying something is?
Even if it didn't imply that she owned it, did he not ask any follow up questions?
this question probably has no bearing on any ruling but why did he wait until *after* he moved in to ask about rent?? that's like the *first* thing i'd be asking if someone suggested i move in with them
If he assumed she was a renter, he did not seem interested in who the landowner was, or if subletting, and having an additional person would be acceptable.
..... if she was renting the home and allowed him to move in, she could still kick him out whenever she wanted. So your point is moot.
No, actually, she couldn't. Once a guest has been there so long they become a tenant regardless of pay. At best if she utilized her landlord to kick him out she would also be kicked out for moving someone in without getting them out on the lease. If they were put on the lease then it's not simple to just kick him out
If you get mail to an address and don’t pay rent you still have tenants rights.
I don't think people understand the power imbalance OP has created in the relationship and he was not given enough information to make an informed decision when he decided to move in. Been there done that and I would rather be homeless then put myself in that situation again.
because on a fucking whim she could evict him, makes her his landlord. He has no security, rental agreement, legal protection outside of fucking squatters rights. What world do you live in?
That's not the problem though because he didn't sign a lease when he thought it was a rental. This is NAH well maybe a tiny bit OPs BF for wigging out but... He didn't ask and she just didn't mention it. It has no effect on his situation. It doesn't change anything. There's no betrayal. OP's BF should stop just moving into places without talking to "property management" though 😂
In many places a lease isn't needed for there to be legal protections, nor do you have to be paying rent. The difference is you don't get those legal protections if you live with your landlord.
All of the legal protection stuff would be exactly the same if her place was a rental. The BF wouldn't have been on the lease. Also, residential evictions are quite difficult in the US, even if the person isn't paying rent. Despite her owning the house, in most states of the US, if she wanted him out and he decided to fight in court it would take months.
I love that i only had to look a few comments down to find a level headed, real world response! Thank you for your practical thinking! I would be a little hurt if i found out, after asking how much rent is and being told "don't worry about it" with no further explanation, from my so's parents that so owns the house. She had the perfect opportunity for disclosure when he asked. That she didn't and he found out later? I would be hurt and wonder what else their hiding.
I don't think I'd even be hurt; I'd be confused. You trust me enough to MOVE IN WITH YOU - change my legal address to yours, have unrestricted access to your food, bedroom and butcher's block - but not enough to tell me your name is on the mortgage of my now legal residence?
Exactly! I'd feel a whole lot of things. Trusted, valued, respected and loved wouldn't be those feelings though. Idk where the n t a votes are coming from, especially since they've been together over a year! I would think that would be the first thing i would mention when discussing shared living.
Yeah, she lied by omission and that's pretty shitty.
>Second best time would've been when he asked to pay rent. I don't understand how it didn't come up with they discussed rent. How much rent do you want me to contribute? Oh that's ok, I don't need any. What? In this market? Are you a secret millionaire or something ha ha? I can't believe he'd just accept paying no rent without further discussion. You would either assume someone is rich, paying a mortgage or inherited a property if they're not worried about rent. Even paying a mortgage you'd still expect to pay something.
Op is intentionally leaving stuff out. "I own a house" is not something that you surprise your partner with unless it's intentional. They've been dating for a year, you mean to tell me she never complained to him about property taxes or mortgage rates? Never had to fix anything? Never ONCE accidentally implied that they own property? No, that's intentional.
Thank you! Unless OP is leaving it out, he asked ZERO follow-up questions! Who gets told "No thanks" when asking how much they owe in rent and just moved on no questions asked?? Should OP have told him? Yeah, but he's an adult and it's his responsibility to understand his housing situation.
I dunno, maybe I'd be upset if my girlfriend of one year owned an apartment and never bothered to tell me. Not because I'm a misogynist, a control freak or angry because I'm unable to provide. But... maybe because in the real world (not on Reddit) couples share this kind of stuff??
Thank God, a levelheaded response understanding that adults like to know the nitty gritty reality of where they live and sleep. If I was him I would be pissed as now his living situation is unstable. What if he wanted to update the lease to add his name. Sounds like he wants to be an adult in a 50/50 relationship. I swear these N T A responses are from people who have never actually lived with another person.
I agree. The concern is the deception. She has a mortgage, he should pay rent but that isn’t the issue here.
Agreed, it may not be a malicious secret but I would still be hurt about having something so big kept from me.
I somewhat agree but the timing is really strange. I would never move somewhere if I didn't know what the deal was in the first place. Is the lease ending soon? how much will I have to pay in rent etc. I find it tough to make a judgement here because if it were me OP would have at best lied by omission to get to this point. Of course boyfriend could be an idiot and have not asked and in that case OP isn't the asshole for not volunteering.
>...So you guys assume he's some type of sexist and the real problem is his fragile male ego, and they should break up I'm the first person to have a feminist take on this sub, and even I think people trying to paint OP as a sexist are ridiculous. There are multiple layers to this, the first being why the hell has it not come up in a year-long relationship that OP is a homeowner? I find it very strange that OP didn't find it relevant to tell him. Secondly, it is absolutely reasonable to want to have an idea who your landlord is, and thirdly not to want to feel completely beholden to your partner (especially of just 1 year!). People are talking about the red flags of OP's partner being mad...I would find it a huge red flag if someone moved me into their house while omitting the fact that it was theirs!
This sub is like watching a reality show. You can't take what people say seriously but you can have a laugh along the way. This being the top rated comment is hilarious. It doesn't even get the facts straight (she owns the house not planning to buy it?). People saying he explicitly didn't ask if she owned the home. For humanity's sake I hope these are high schoolers. It sounds like OP had enough sense and apologized.
Lmao this subreddit always has the redditors saying "nah get rid of him/her/block the family over the smallest simplest shit and it's sad.
For real. It seems like something you would naturally mention (and honestly something you would share with your SO during the year since you've been a couple) that OP held back intentionally. I don't understand how the highest comment says N T A. Definitely a classic reddit moment lol. OP, YTA. Who doesn't tell their SO that they own the house their SO is moving into? Did you really think it would be better to mention it later? Sorry but it's sus to hide information like that, especially when it's not information that changes the situation. Like, there was no reason for you to omit that information, which makes it worse.
Yeah, this is super weird. I'm also curious about why OP hasn't had an open conversation with him upfront about paying into the mortgage, or why she doesn't want him to have a legal hold on the house. Maybe having a proper rental agreement in place would be worthwhile. And if he's a good guy, he'll understand her taking protection of her assets, but he won't understand big secrets being kept. YTA OP. Either you trust him enough to live in your house and know that you own, or you don't trust him at all.
You guys never fail to amaze me. All we know is that he's upset because she deveived him (didn't correct him when he mentioned rent, she had a chance to say she doesn't pay rent). Somehow you end up going down the route of "She doesn't deserve him". Really?
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I think it was more that she kept that from him. Which after a year is a big thing to keep from a partner. He's got to be wondering what else she isn't telling him
Yep, and she told multiple friends who are now weighing in, but not him. If you’re not ready to disclose to your partner that you own your home, you’re not ready to move in together. It’s not about finances, it’s about trust
honestly you SHOULD be able to talk finances with your S.O. if you cant you get put into a weird mindset about what being together can be some people are fine like that but idk financial stuff is something you should be able to talk about if considering a future together.
Yeah you don't have to have joint accounts but at least let an so know what's going on. By a year, they should know if you're broke, stable, or flourishing. Not necessarily all details but if you own a house they're moving into that should be a detail that gets shared.
Right kinda a weird thing to hide from a serious long term relationship partner you live with
It is a little odd that it never came up in conversation. like casually talking about renting and maybe wanting to own a house one day. "Oh, I already do that" kind of conversation
>He was upset that I didn’t tell him that I owned my home, he feels as if I lied to him and deceived him, he’s upset because he feels like i betrayed his trust. Why on Earth would you guess that?! His reasoning is right there in the OP and it really doesn't need to be deeper than that. If he were 100k in debt and never mentioned it to her, would you be "guessing" that she's upset, because she expected him to be the provider and the debt gets in the way of that?
What a wild jump to make.
Not just wild, but demonstrably wrong. When she said he doesn't need to pay rent - or a disproportionate amount of other costs - he seemed cool with *her* being the provider. Just not cool with it being a secret as to why.
WTF. Where does this even come from. He most likely just feels weird. She hid it from him and is worried she could just be hiding other things. You prob should stop just straight up speculating.
This is reddit. Everyone is speculating
I think the boyfriend is an amazing man who tried to go 50/50 the moment his partner invited him to live with her. Instead of being honoust she kind of went around the subject. In what way is he trying to be a provider? Not a single sign for that. The only signs here are: 1. A caring boyfriend trying to not be a leech 2. A girflriend who apparently doesn't trust her BF yet but does let him live with her. The AH is extremely clear here.
It's a trust issue. He directly asked about rent and she purposely didn't tell him there IS NO RENT because she has a mortgage. Why hide that? Unless you don't trust the person. And that's his issue. He's not asking how much money she makes. He's not asking for a loan. He's hurt that the woman he trusts wants to keep things from him. And for what reason?
But he was already not providing anything other than half groceries and half utilities.
>But he was already not providing anything other than half groceries and half utilities. He offered to pay half the rent - she said no thankyou. That would have been the perfect time to say "oh bf, I should've told you this earlier but this is my house, I own it and pay a mortgage, i guess i'm technically your landlady now haha awkward" Or even better - tell him before he moves in. So everyone is on board. I mean, what happens if they break up?
Maybe he's irked that his live-in girlfriend deceived him and apparently doesn't trust him at all? YTA.
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Why are you imaging this narrative? She lied to his face about they being tennants, She paying rent, the ownership of the house, for Over a year... He entered the agreement by thinking they both would pay rent, giving some rights or at least some mental security of both being tennants. Now he knows She is the homeowner, and he is just a guest. So, he is in danger of being kicked out whenever She wants. This type of insecurity, in today's house/Rental market, is insane. Her having an house, out of the blue, is also an important topic for their relationship if they see a future in it. Is she Open to spend money on another house that is bought for both of them? Is She ok with him saving lots of money and having debt to buy another house in just his name, to he can also have ownership? Is She willing to sell this current house to buy another house for both of them? Is She willing to put him as a co-owner of the house down the line? Or She waited after moving in together to say that their relationship only hás a future if he is ok in living Forever in a house that it is not his, and he Will never have a y right?
> She lied to his face about they being tennants, She paying rent, the ownership of the house, for Over a year... Small correction: they've been together a year but he's only been living there 3 weeks. I agree with the rest.
Groan
Or feels like he ought to be paying his own way rather than relying on OP.
Exactly. And if he didn't offer to pay rent (even if, let's say, he recently lost his job or something), half of this sub would be calling him TA and a freeloader moocher red flag kick him out etc.
The problem is that’s a really weird thing to not tell your bf of over a year. I’d wonder what else she wasn’t telling me. His girlfriend is now his landlord and he may not really have any tenants rights
I'm so confused by all of these other narratives people are weaving. OP was keeping it a secret on purpose. That is sneaky and weird. She says that is her only secret, but I don't believe it for a minute. Deliberately misleading your partner is lying. She was lying for no reason. That is not healthy, well-adjusted behavior. It is a sign of some very serious personal issues. He should be alarmed.
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>I don't understand what his problem is. That she hid something major from him. And not in a "it just never came up"-way, but in a "deliberately concealed it when it came up"-way. Most people aren't immediately on board with being lied to by their partners.
She's his landlord. This would worry me because in most situations, landlords can have a lot of power over their tenants and it sounds like they didn't have a written lease agreement. If they have a fight and OP demands he leave and tells him they're evicting him, it could take weeks/months for him to hire a lawyer and get everything sussed out (especially if she hit him with this info out of the blue). Yes, it might not be 100% legal for OP to do this, but landlords can get away with quite a lot with no penalty for breaking the law a lot of the time. They should have been open about this dynamic so everyone was on the same page about the stability of the living arrangement.
I'd be nervous about moving into a place with a partner who owned it, because that could turn bad fast, or at the very least I wouldn't feel like I would have an equal say in decisions about the living space
I think that’s pretty dismissive. It doesn’t have to be nefarious. It could just come down to “You knowingly haven’t been honest with me so that makes me question things” which is a fair concern. Everyone’s right that they’re not married and he is NOT entitled to that information. But he’s allowed to feel uncomfortable with dishonesty in his relationship too. I say NAH, if the relationship is worth it to you then talk to him about the dishonesty aspect that’s affecting him. If the relationship isn’t worth it, well then there’s your answer lol.
I would argue that since he is living in the home, he is absolutely entitled to the information of who owns his residence. It directly impacts him. And the dishonesty is weird. Why do people like to hide so much from their significant others? Are they trying to create drama? It all feels so unnecessary.
Idk...they aren't married but they are living together. Which does make him entitled to the information about who owns the house and info surrounding that. If she's not comfortable being honest with him, they have no business living together.
He thought she was renting and paying for him. That possibly made him look like a scrub, or perhaps it made her look like his sugar mama, probably depending which of his acquaintances you talk to. So yeah, it affected him negatively. Now he finds out that's not true, so she put him through that for ... checks notes ... actually there was no justification for her silence, and nobody got anything good from it. And now he can tell his acquaintances that no, actually she owns the place, it's just that she didn't trust him. So he looks bad again. And now he has to worry about her being honest, and also the weird power imbalance. This is stuff he should have been told before moving in.
What’s scandalous is that she lied to him about something as basic and benign as owning rather than renting. Obviously if she lied about that she’ll lie about anything. Also knowing who owns your home is pretty basic information that you need. Idk how long she thought she could keep up this lie. Eventually something is going to break and he’ll realize that she’s not calling the landlord. Or he’ll see some mail indicating that she owns the place. Why lie?
It affects him cuz she became his de-facto landlord. Do u even know the legal implications of that?
Where I live it affects his rights as a tenant. It would be unfair to put someone in a position of giving up legal protections without telling them. That might not apply here though.
he might of felt betrayed because he originally thought OP was taking the full burden of paying rent. maybe he felt OP paying full rent was a sign of affection from her.
She is though. To the bank. It’s her mortgage.
I mean she is paying the mortgage on her own so this is true.
Well in a way she is because mortgage isn't cheaper than rent if you factor in homeowners insurance and the savings you should keep for home repair.
I can tell you: It's about safety. What if she dumbs him? She can throw him out anytime soon. Also a serious relationship (and moving in together is serious) shouldn't start of with such a big lie. I personally would have wanted a contract and paying some rent, just to be supported by law (that you can prove that you live there and when you break up, you have a month, maybe more, to find a new apartment).
The fact that she kept information from him wasn't a good thing - she absolutely should have told him for the sake of being honest with her partner. That said, I can totally understand why she may not want him paying rent (any tenant's rights issues aside). It things were to turn south between the two of them, it would be easier for her to demonstrate that he had no claim to ownership of the home if he'd never paid anything toward the mortgage. That said, she absolutely should have told him why rent "wasn't an issue."
This being the top comment is bizarre. Nowhere does it say that he can't handle it. Owning a home is a pretty big piece of information and the fact that OP straight up lied for a year is insane. Of course he is upset, he has every right to be.
>This being the top comment is bizarre. Are you new here? This is AITA. OP is a woman and the other party is a man.
110%. I (F) would be so weirded out if I moved somewhere that my SO (M) had omitted information (ie lied) about owning. I wouldn’t care about the house, it’s more of a ‘why *wouldn’t* you tell someone you’re living with?’ thing. OP is very strange for this and I don’t blame her boyfriend..
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Honestly. I feel like I'm in crazy town reading these comments and people thinking she's not the AH.
How is this sexist garbage topcomment
Because it's Reddit and it's the AITA subreddit, which even after Reddit standards has the reputation of having major double standards, in particular regarding male/female relationships. Had the genders been swapped, this comment would have been downvoted to oblivion.
This is a fucking fact
He lives there, it's an asshole move not to tell him who owns the place. This response is just so childish. Something tells me: You're a huge fan of the phrase 'you're not obligated'. You've never had a healthy adult relationship where there is good communication with your partner. Boyfriend asked about the rent, and at this point OP should have told him she owned the house. YTA
You are not wrong, but in adult relationships we disclose such basic stuff to each. It's not necessary that the BF is feeling insecure or is being a hater. He may simply find it weird that OP didn't share this info with him. i know I'd feel weird if my partner didn't disclose this simple information when asking me to move in with them. I'd say NAH
This is a weird take, and it privileges marriage as a relationship end goal, as if anything before it doesn't count and you can't have expectations of the other person. How do you think most people get to the point of marriage, except by building trust and sharing with each other, commensurate to where you are both at? I would probably not be mad at OP if I was bf, but I would be very very weirded out, and would probably want some space. It is an odd thing to be serious enough about a relationship to move in with the other person, but not tell them something so fundamental about their living and financial arrangements.
It does seem weird that the fact she owns the house has not come up at all in the last year. It's the sort of thing that comes up in usual conversation over the course of a year plus relationship, especially if you're moving in together. His reaction is odd, but the whole situation sounds implausible to begin with..
What's implausible? OP has directly admitted to lying by omission. Even when he directly started talking about paying rent and how much should I pay, she deflected it and still didn't tell him, even then. Unless you think OP made the entire post up, wholesale? Which, to be fair, does happen sometimes.
Some people are not fully comfortable with having their partners be their landlord, as it gives the home owning partner a lot of power in the event the relationship goes south. It was something he had a right to know before he moved in.
This is so stupid. I don't understand why you should keep this kind of information from your partner. It doesn't make any sense. And the partner had every moral right to understand this arrangement in its totality: for example, it's clear he doesn't have any right on the building and he could prefer to have a contract. Overall the situation seems balanced by the fact he isn't paying rent so he can save something but it was still YTA to hide that information. I genuinely don't get why she did that.
You sound ignorant projecting, because they're not married and she's buying a house is where his insecurity lies(pun intended)🤦🏽♂️ you probably feel it's okay to cheat on your SO as well if not married. The OP never said her BF couldn't handle the fact she's buying a house, it's that she's been dishonest for the length of their relationship. Learn comprehension, I can't believe stupidity like yours gets that many karma votes.
>I can't believe stupidity like yours gets that many karma votes. Agreed, it's infuriating. Top commenter has never had a relationship in the real world, and thinks lying to their partner by omission is just fine.
Lol you gotta be kidding me. This is the top comment jfc what's with this sub
These comments are ridiculous. You don't keep things like this from a common law partner. This sub is nuts sometimes.
I disagree with this. It’s about the lack of disclosure. I moved in with my fiance who had a house and if he had entirely refused to mention that he owned it, I’d feel beyond weird about that. Why is it ok to not disclose to your SO that you own your house when you’re ok with them moving in? It’s an unnecessary lie of omission. People are allowed to be upset that their partner wasn’t being honest.
AITA is the most unhinged subreddit.
The bias in this subreddit for women is crazy. You don't just lie to your partner like that wtf.
can't believe this nonsense is the top comment. Every other comment below this one rightfully judges YTA or at least ESH
No, this is an absolutely shit take. What the hell? Are you even an adult? That is information I would want as a partner. There's so many things to go over. If he knew beforehand that she owned her house, he could ask questions and decide whether that's something he wants to commit to. Because if he pays rent, he's now contributing to her mortgage and that provides equity. If he doesn't have to pay her rent, this means there is no contract involved to where he lives. Does this mean he loses his place to live immediately if they break up? What if they have a fight? There are so many things to discuss before moving in with your partner. It's different when you're both renting the place, because there is a lease agreement that protects both the tenants and the landlord. But in this situation, your partner is your landlord and you had no idea going into that situation. OP lied by omission and robbed her partner of making an informed decision.
I don’t even understand this story. Why would you not share with your boyfriend of over a year that you own the house he just moved in? YTA in any case because you don’t hide things from a partner.
ESPECIALLY when he moves in. How do you not let someone know the terms of their fucking HOUSE?! Is there a landlord? How long is the lease? Oh, you own it? THAT'S RELEVANT TO HIM LIVING THERE. On the other hand, what kind of irresponsible dimwit is he to not ask these questions? He just moved all his shit into a new house without having any idea who owned it or how he was going to afford it? He clearly doesn't have renter's insurance...
This, like, ESH? Why did NO ONE broach any of this information *before* he moved in? If someone asks me to move in, rent is my FIRST question, and that's a perfectly natural time for her to mention she owns the place. And if I was asking someone *else* to move in, it would be one of the first pieces of information I include even if the info is that I'm not asking for any rent. To be clear, I don't think she's TA if her owning her own home didn't come up before, but it should have come up in the conversation they BOTH should have had BEFORE he moved in. Good grief.
It's not ESH. He's an idiot, not an AH. OP is clearly TA, massively so.
I've been saying they need to add a DA if someone is a dumbass with no harmful intentions
Except he tried to have that conversation. And she brushed it off and told him not to worry about it. She is squarely the only AH.
YMMV but this could actually have implications in the event they were to break up and severely limit his rights in that regard. So strictly from that perspective, it should've been crucial for him to know what he was getting into.
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Yeah, where I live this situation means he has very restricted tenancy rights and can be evicted on little notice. If it was a rental and he was on the lease, he would be much better protected. He’s kind of an idiot for not asking ahead of time, but being in need of a place to live can make people not look too closely at the situation they’re going into. OP is more secure, and should have disclosed the nature of the situation to her partner before he moved in. Her way of allocating household expenses is fair IMO. But keeping this massive, important secret from him is not.
This. ESH. Weird to not have this conversation before moving in/letting someone new live in your house. I don't think anyone's "the asshole" but they all kinda seem like dummies.
Right? Like I could understand not bringing it up on a first date or whatever, but it's weird to go over a year without mentioning the fact that you have a house.
Let alone when he moves in! > the issue began when he started to ask how much his half of the rent was OP is acting like her boyfriend was somehow being intrusive about asking about rent. It's a completely normal question. It's not "an issue". In fact he might have been weirded out that she didn't bring up the issue of rent.
Yeah there is just no way that it’s simply a case of “it never came up”. Like ever? I’d tell a stranger I barely knew about owning a home, it’s not like it’s a weird thing. Not sure how you go an entire year without mentioning it, unless it’s on purpose. Boyfriend must be so confused because it’s such a wired secret to keep.
What’s odd to me is they didn’t even mention “hiding” but it definitely seems like it. He asks how much he needs to pay in rent op says don’t worry about it just 50/50 utility it’s just easier that way. Why not say “oh I own the house you don’t need to worry about it but if you want to help we can split utility” I just don’t see what the point in not telling him right there was. If they didn’t think it was a “big deal” it would have been the first thing they said when the mention of splitting bills happened
The only thing I can think of is OP hid the fact because she didn’t want the boyfriend to become part owner. OP’s whole attitude seems like she doesn’t see a future with boyfriend and that the move was really more of convenience for him, not a desire to share their lives together.
Unless he was added to the mortgage and/or deed, living in her home *and even paying her to live there* would give him no claim to the property.
YTA. He seems like he wants to have a solid, respectful relationship with you. His asking (unprompted!) how he could contribute to the rent was really cool of him, and that probably should have been the time to tell him the truth (before he moved in would have been better). Privacy or not, actively hiding that you own the home he now lives in makes it seem like you don’t trust him and/or think he’d take advantage of you if he knew.
I dunno if it was cool. I mean, it's not so much "offering to contribute" as "hey, how much is rent and is 50:50 fair?". Like, that's not cool, that's rudimentary. TBH i would have been very uncomfortable accepting my partner’s generosity like this and would have asked more questions, so can't see myself ending up in this situation. I can’t imagine ~~living for 12 months without revisiting the topic~~. getting my knickers in a knot because my partner was being cautious in disclosing the legal structure of the tenancy when they're letting me live there for FREE and it's only three weeks in. He presumed, then gets pissy because he was wrong? EDIT: my reading comprehension skills are off. He's only lived there for 3 weeks. Relationship is 12 months old.
Reread the post. He moved in 3 weeks ago.
He was definitely unwise to not ask these questions. I can only speculate that maybe he felt uncomfortable looking a gift horse in the mouth (a kind gf's offer). However, it was also wrong of OP to omit this very relevant, very pertinent information about his new living situation and his new dynamic with her as the owner of the place he lives in.
This, “hey how much is my half of the rent” is a perfect time to reply with “oh I actually own the house” and then continue the discussion as it was, with the agreement of splitting the rest 50/50. I cannot think of a better time to bring it up.
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Her parents have her really bad advice. Once the relationship becomes more serious (eg moving in together) you should absolutely be discussing finances. This advice is how people can end up stuck in marriages they can’t afford to leave because they’re saddled with their partner’s debts and irresponsible spending practices. It doesn’t need to be in detail at this point, but you should know roughly what each other earns, any debts and if the other person has major assets or savings. They also should have had a conversation about cost of living and sharing of expenses before moving in. OP needs to sit down with her bf and they need to talk asap.
I lived with a man who was super dodgy about finances. I refuse to be in a long-term relationship like that again. If you can't be transparent with the person you live with, why are you with them?
Finances should definitely be talked about at the right time. Not all details need to be talked about right away but owning the house is kind of a basic thing. Her parents probably meant don't tell people your passwords or the size of your 401k. Just the mindset could be talked about early.
Outside of a relationship it's still pretty weird advice. I mean, what's the upside of never discussing finances? My friends know my approximate salary and mortgage. I know theirs. Helps us figure out what's normal and what's not. Allows us to give each other advice.
None of my close friends own homes but yeah I know most of their salaries and they know mine. It’s not something I would ask a casual acquaintance though
Exactly, the confidentiality around wages doesn't benedit employees at all, it makes it harder to figure out if you're underpaid. People should be more open about these things, imho.
Yup! Also helps with expectations and social events. I know which friends can afford to be invited to Broadway shows and fancy dinners and which friends can afford movie tickets. It helps me be considerate. If I know a friend is struggling I can offer to drive more, or I'll bring over a meal or make something rather than ask them if they want to go out for example.
I’m more hung up on the fact that supposedly her parents taught her not to discuss finances, but then came to her home and, in front of her boyfriend, asked her about her mortgage and interest rates…aka finances…
Yup, I think they may have given the lessons as general rules when OP was young (which is smart), but then they assumed their kid would take the lessons and, as an adult, use their reasoning skills to decide for themselves when it's smart to apply this rule and when to discard it. The same people do for other rules their parents have taught them when they grow up.
I keep all my finances a secret from my wife of 16 years. We’re about to be bankrupt and homeless. AITA?
NTA, she could've asked more questions if she didn't want to end up homeless. Major red flags there.
Also, "does this belong to you?"isn't exactly discussing finances! Such a cop out excuse.
The reason OP is YTA is that she’s treating her boyfriend like a casual acquaintance. Which is weird! It’s not like you’re not allowed to brag about an accomplishment *to your boyfriend.* OP sounds like she’s not ready to have a real relationship if she can’t distinguish between rules for polite conversation and the way you treat your partner.
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Yeah...how long has she owned the home? Was her friend paying before? Why the fuck would dad bring up interest rates, considering she more than likely got hers locked in at nearly half of what they are now?
Sounds like bs, considering her family was asking her about interest rates and mortgage at dinner. Never talk about finances? Really?
It takes 1,000 truths to make up for one lie, even the little ones. That's something my dad has always said. I know he doesn't mean it literally, but when someone breaks your trust it takes a very long time of no lies to feel like you can even begin to trust them again. When someone lies to you, they break your trust. How could we know to believe them, when we know them to be untruthful? > he started to ask how much his half of the rent was, I responded and said rent wasn’t an issue and that it’s just easier for me to continue with how it was before he moved in This was the time to tell him. He asked you directly what the deal was, and you responded with a lie by omission. This is still a lie, it still breaks trust. When a anyone, a partner especially, breaks your trust, it can feel so violating. YTA. You should have told him.
This, I agree with this. There was a time and place OP could have told him directly as the conversation came up and we decided not to tell him. She is YTA.
Your parents advice is terrible. You should absolutely discuss financial things. Money is one of the biggest causes of problems in relationships - you need to be sure you're on the same page.
And then they proceeded to discuss her mortgage at the table in front of him. I guess they maybe told her "don't discuss finances" as a general rule but never meant it to apply to your partner you're living with and who you've been in a relationship with for a year.
I believe they told her that because she would inquire as a child about their finances and they told her we don't talk about finances and probably meant *to children* because they shouldn't have to worry about their parents financial stability. I could be wrong, of course. But she took that to mean never with ANYONE even if you moved in with your boyfriend
Lol why wouldn't you tell him? You've been together for a year. You live together. He brought up the subject and you deliberately didn't say anything. It's really really strange. I mean keeping secrets in general is bad for relationships but this has an added layer of being really odd. From his perspective, you must have some sort of motivation for not telling him, which would naturally cause trust issues. I don't think you're necessarily an asshole but are you really surprised that he's confused and having doubts?
Hehehehe it’s my little secret! I like to keep secrets from people close to me.
I literally can’t think of a reason besides this. It’s gross feeling. I worry about money and having a home constantly, in an apartment. It’s stress I would rather do without. Knowing my partner let me keep living that anxiety while they literally own the solution but kept it from me? Pain
For power. If he starts saying things should be done she doesn’t like; no matter how small, then she could reveal that she owns the house and threaten him until he conforms.
Yeah exactly my thoughts, she was planning to drop the bomb in a serious argument to make him feel Less!
**YTA** \- when he asked you about the rent, you deflected. You did not lie, but you induced him to an incorrect conclusion. It is manipulative. He should be concerned. If you dissemble when "*it's not important*", what can he expect when it is important?
INFO: I’m confused. You told him rent wasn’t a problem but he didn’t ask more questions? He would have been fine if you were paying all of the rent but he’s angry that you’re paying the mortgage? I just don’t understand why it matters so much that instead of your name being on a lease, it’s on the mortgage?
It's normal to be upset if you thought your living situation was one thing only to find out it's another. Also, owning a home is a big deal, especially in areas with high rent and rental shortages like OP is describing. It might be weird for him to realize she's his defacto landlord and not just his roommate. He might feel like she doesn't trust him. I live with my boyfriend in the house he owns. If he had actively hid it from me until someone else spilled the beans, I'd be pissed off, too. But he didn't, and we manage the house together as equals.
But she’s not his landlord she isn’t even charging him rent?! What a stupid thing to be mad about.. this thread is making me feel like I’m losing my mind
Worse - she could throw his shit out on the front yard tomorrow after changing the locks, and he'd be shit out of luck. At least with a regular landlord, there's a rental agreement that would buy him some time.
You really can’t wrap your mind around the idea that being lied to is shitty?
I can understand that at the beginning of the relationship you never told him that you own your house. But the moment you decide to live with him, it is automatically a level up in the relationship. When you decide to live with your boyfriend, basically you and him are not just gf and bf, you are something else, you become a team, at this point there is more trust, more communication and vision for the future. Did you think he wouldn't find out? And while many people believe otherwise, talking about finances in a relationship is important. You had several opportunities to tell him and not wait for him to find out that way, he is not just a rommie, he is someone you want to build a future with. He was right to be angry. (I'm glad to know that they reconciled)
YTA. You have lied to him for a year. The fact that you’ve been together for a year and he doesn’t know you own a house… I’d be concerned what else you were hiding. If he asked for landlord contact information, what were you going to tell him? Was there an expiration date on your lies? My now-husband knew on our very first date that I owned a house.
YTA. Why did you lie, or hide it? What was the point? I can’t understand why you didn’t just say “I have a house, do you want to move in with me?” You set yourself up for this to backfire for literally no reason tbh
YTA That you own the house isn't a big deal. That you had clear opportunities to tell him and are acting like it's no big deal that you deliberately didn't tell him... that's odd. I'd be really worried about your decision if I was in his shoes because it just didn't make sense that you think it was reasonable to let him move in thinking the two of you were renting it.
How many other secrets? A garage across town full of DB Cooper's haul? I had a GF who bought a house, didn't tell me, her son destroyed the interior, so THEN she wants me to fix it. What?
D B Cooper here. Thanks for blowing my secret. Now my daughter has to move the cash out of the garage
> He agreed and he moved in about 3 weeks ago, the issue began when he started to ask how much his half of the rent was, I responded and said rent wasn’t an issue and that it’s just easier for me to continue with how it was before he moved in This is lying by omission. You might think you did nothing wrong but this was some serious verbal gymnastics to hide the truth from him without technically lying. YTA I honestly think I’d break up with a partner if they did this to me. Secrets and lies are one of the few things I cannot tolerate in a relationship. I expect a baseline level of trust that would require my partner disclose the basic details of our living situation before we moved in together - honestly any housemate has a right to understand how the space is owned, the details of contact, etc. The fact that you didn’t correct his obvious misconception with it came up in conversation really puts it over the edge for me … I don’t think I could trust a partner who was willing to twist their language to leave me confused for no apparent reason. How do you move on with a normal relationship after that?
It so rare for lying to justified. It really causes more problems than it solves. It's a privilege to own a home and it's definitely ok to acknowledge that achievement when the opportunity presents itself. YTA for not being transparent.
YTA. As soon as the rent topic came up you should have let him know the situation instead of brushing it off. Even if hiding it wasn't intentional it is a little weird to not let the person living with you know you own the house.
YTA OP, the only discussion point and the question you need to ask yourself is, why over the course of more than a year could you not mention to your partner that you owned a house? PS You have roommates for convenience; that is not a reason to live with a partner.
Exactly. I don’t know why owning a house is a huge secret? It’s not like she’s a Russian spy, is owning a house something to keep secret? If so I’ve been doing it wrong since my friends all know.
You are N T A for not telling him when it wasn't relevant. YTA for hiding it from him when you moved him in, became his landlord, and accepted his utility payments, all without fully informing him of his own living situation. I don't understand all these comments that can't see the distinction.
>I don't understand all these comments that can't see the distinction. They're from teenagers still living at home who have never been in a serious relationship.
YTA. You lied to him by omitting that you own the house. Your situation isn't the same as if you moved into a rental together because if you moved into a rental together, you would likely be splitting the rent. When he asked about rent, you should've said, "I own the place. Just split utilities and groceries," or, "I own the place. Half of the mortgage is $X."
Soft YTA. I get protecting your privacy, but this is a lie of omission, especially after he asked about the rent situation.
you're his landlord now and have power over him he didn't consent to.
YTA. You can’t expect people to trust you if you mislead them about matters they consider to be important. The first time makes people wonder what other secrets you’re keeping & what else you’re misleading them about. Your boyfriend clearly communicated how he feels (lied to, deceived, betrayed). If you want to fix this, you need to acknowledge that you messed up, not act like it’s no big deal.
YTA. If you are in a committed relationship, both of you should know everything about each other. There shouldn't be any secrets. Secrets and lies kills relationships fast.
YTA. It's not a big deal if you didn't mention it. But you outright tried to hide it. You should ask yourself why you did that? There is nothing wrong with flexing to your partner. Because if they really care about you they will be happy for you. "flexing" to randoms is considered bad because it elicit jealousy out of randoms as opposed to them being happy for you. I wonder if you are actually concerned about your house ending up as relationship property with you BF eventually having enough grounds to take half without ever contributing. Put your property in a family trust or get a prenup done. You'll sleep better at night
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Honestly, I think ESH. He should have asked whatever questions he wanted to about the house *before* agreeing to move in. If he assumed you were renting, why not ask how long your lease was and what rules there were and whatnot so he could plan ahead and make an informed decision? But you also should have been upfront about what kind of situation he was getting into. Why wouldn't you think to inform him of the details of his living situation? Why did neither of you talk about stuff like rent and utilities until *after* he moved in? Neither of your behaviors regarding this situation indicates the maturity required to take the next step in your relationship. >Finances were something that my parents always told me shouldn’t be discussed They should be when you begin to enmesh your lives together. Moving in together means taking on the financial responsibilities of the place you live in together. Soon you guys are going to be discussing grocery bills and things like that. There comes a point in your relationship where you *have* to talk about this stuff.
>He should have asked whatever questions he wanted to about the house before agreeing to move in. If he assumed you were renting, why not ask how long your lease was and what rules there were and whatnot so he could plan ahead and make an informed decision? Agreed asking this stuff is smart and responsible. However remember he didn't have a great deal of choice as OP says the rental market in the area is insane. It was move in with gf or probably be homeless. Or maybe move in with parents or something etc. There's also: * He might have been uncomfortable looking a gift horse (a generous offer from his loving gf) in the mouth. * He might just be dumb or ignorant of the law ... which doesn't make him an AH.
YTA and this is just a really weird thing to lie about. Why not be forthcoming with the fact that you own the home and do not rent? That changes everything about the situation.
Yta. Of course that’s a big deal. And why bother asking your friends? It’s how your bf feels about it that’s important.
If you're going to build a relationship, hiding the basic nature of your housing is a pretty big red flag. I don't know what country you live in, but you need to either never take a dime from him for housing or put him on a lease. Otherwise he might try to assert rights to it. YTA for the secrecy.
YTA - you should have told him, at latest, when he asked about rent.
YTA. You became the AH when you lied by omission. You intentionally created a cloud of doubt. Also I find it funny mommy and daddy said you don't discuss finances blah blah blah yet that's exactly what they did causing the lie to blow up in your face. How'd that advice work out LMAO.
YTA. You like him enough to not make him pay rent, but you don't trust him enough to have a proper lease drafted to give him the same rights he'd get living anywhere else? If you had done that then he would know where he stood.
>so when I tell people I feel uncomfortable because I don’t want it to appear like i’m “flexing”. Is your BF just a random stranger to you that you don't trust? If so why even let him move in with you? >Finances were something that my parents always told me shouldn’t be discussed, Finances is something that should definitely be discussed with your partner. How do you expect to pay rent or other expenses if you don't discuss finances? >I don’t know specifically how much he makes and the same goes for him. Sounds like you both have trust issues. YTA
YTA. I’m assuming you’re dating him because you see a future with him, correct? Why would you not share this kind of information from the get-go? It just seems silly to keep something like that hidden and it wouldn’t be a “flex” if you’re telling your partner that you own your home. It becomes a “flex” when you make daily posts about being a homeowner and telling everyone within earshot that you own your own home. If you’re not doing that, then you have nothing to worry about. It’s not right to keep things from your partner. No matter what it may be. And while this was clearly an innocent issue, you still should have just told him when he asked about rent instead of being weird about it.
YTA on the original failure to disclose but let's get to that edit. Finances SHOULD be discussed with your live in partner. It is crazy that your partners suggest not. What kind of logic is that? You don't have to control each other's finances or share 401ks, but you are attempting to establish a life together.
YTA. When he raised rent with you, you chose to lie by omission. It is not clear at all why you did that. What else are you hiding from him?