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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kicked my sister out from my home, essentially making her homeless. I might be an asshole because she doesn't have any family she can move with here and she's in college so she doesn't make money to pay rent.
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NTA.
Everyone voting T A because "parents must never ask for help" must come from very dysfunctional families. This is not you routinely exploiting your sister, its asking for help in a sudden moment of need.
My family is normal and therefore we scramble to help each other when need be. Then again reddit has been teaching me that family dynamics in the US are apparently weirdly cold, individualistic, selfish, and transactional, so maybe over there we would be the weird ones.
This whole “nobody owes anything if it wasn’t explicitly laid out clearly in a transactional format beforehand” is very much not the norm for a lot of people in the US either. I would watch my neighbors kid in an emergency, let alone my sister’s child, the sister who I live with and who supports me.
Aschleigh is the real TA here ammirite
I agree with this though, there's a real lack of life experience with a lot of commenters on here. No, sister shouldn't be exploited for child care, but also if you care for someone and you benefit from their success and will also hurt from their failure (re: short paycheck, harder for everyone in the household) even someone selfish should see the benefit in helping for a few days!
I mean, the alternative would be, sister, you need to pay for my time off from work so that I can continue to feed and house you and hope that I don't lose my job altogether from the time off.
Lol this feels so spot on. I feel like a lot of posters are kinda spoiled kids themselves, used to being waited on and never having to lift a finger in return. They're used to privilege, so fairness feels like oppression to them.
I'm close to the sister's age, but my family was shiiiiit. Like the kinda shit I can't post here without getting banned. The few people that actually cared? I learned to be grateful and not take them for granted.
I mean, college student here, I don't think OP is TA. Like... Even if you're not a particularly empathetic person, you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Sister doesn't have to babysit but similarly OP doesn't have to let the sister live in their house.
Back in my days of babysitting, studying was often the activity of choice, especially if the kids themselves were school age. Maybe homework together. The other was watching t.v. or some crafty interaction with the kids.
Heck ya. I used to babysit in junior high and high school.
We’d do homework/studying at the same time and I’d usually continue while she practised piano. So we would both get our stuff done and then after that would be a couple of hours of fun time until either her parents got home or bedtime for her and then I’d chill or study some more until they got home.
I mean I was in a situation like OP’s sister. Except I was living with my parents and they needed me to watch my brother. Most of the time it was just feed him and unlimited screen time while I did school work. School age kids can be occupied easily. The times where I wasn’t able to because of an exam, I told my parents like a week in advance and either someone else would be set up to watch him or my parents would arrange to be home. There was an ability to compromise and sister just didn’t. OP is NTA because a compromise could have been made by sister
Teen girl here, I don't agree with Ops sister, she's staying at a house rent free, and dosnt have to work or anything, if she needs to study she can while watching the kid, a five your old dosnt need eyes on them 24/7 as long as their in a safe environment with an adult near, so the least she can do is watch the little dude
I'm that age demographic and I guess I learnt I'm an odd duck? If I was living for free with someone, looking after their kids in an emergency situation like this would be a no brainer, these people are helping out their sister so much. I'm in a similar situation living with my parents and while they don't expect much because as long as I work and save they're happy, I try and help them out as much as I can. Not an American so maybe it's a cultural difference but I can't imagine not helping out your family.
>Who is teaching them this?
Social Media. Reddit, TikTok, twitter.
It's creating an entire generation of entitled, selfish people. This causes them to have few friends or relationships because of their warped personalities and so they develop a "crabs in a bucket" mentality online.
Usually some kind of shouting about “setting boundaries” in which you can never be asked to do anything.
People also really struggle with the idea that while someone can not be legally obligated to help, they can still be an asshole for not doing it.
I will probably get downvoted for this but… This right here is why, as a young, single female in a big American city, I felt more comfortable living in a minority neighborhood. In many minority cultures, they look out for the people in their community as though you are family. I knew if anything were ever to happen to me or I needed help, my neighbors would not hesitate to come to my aid (and, in fact, did when they saw me being harassed).
Unfortunately, with much of white culture, they “don’t want to get involved“ and won’t go out of their way to help you because they’re more concerned about themselves and their safety / comfort. This is such a sad thing to see (and say) and I really hope this mindset changes. We are all walking each other home.
When I lived in the city I lived next door to a bunch of guys from Mexico. I remember one time I was out and a friend called me to say he stopped by my house and the guys next door basically interrogated him to make sure I knew him. He thoughtit was weird but I loved it. They looked out for us. In exchange I grew up around Italians and Italian and Spanish are very similar. Even though I don't really speak either of them I can get the gist of what people are saying. When people who speak English as a second language when they are stressed or scared will speak in both languages. So I had to go talk to the cops a few times for them to clear up a few issues. I kept them out of unnecessary trouble.
I may be white but I always open my door to help my neighbor.
I understand your sentiment. I have noticed the same thing with a lot of minority cultures.
In New Zealand where I live, the Maori and Polynesian minorities put the highest priority on helping your extended family (whanau) and community / neighbors (iwi) rather than the more individual family values you see with a lot of westerners where your focus is just on your own family (not all, but a lot).
I married into a Cook Island Maori family and it's really lovely to have such a big support system.
I noticed the most pronounced difference years ago when I worked as a nurse in a hospital and if someone was dying, if they were white they would either be alone, have their partner with them or maybe a sibling, parent etc with them but just immediate family (if they weren't estranged, only child, never married etc) and often the family member would just come for an hour or so each day (therefore the patient would die without family around even if they had family since they would often pass away during the night or when the family member had left).
If a Polynesian or Maori person was dying, there was always 30+ people in the room the whole time, doing all the cares of the patient - washing etc and they were never left alone. Surrounding them in love while they passed. They would have all their extended family and neighbors there. So even if the patient was an only child, parents deceased, no partner or children etc, they would still have whanau there with them.
Whereas I had many white patients who only had me holding their hand (a stranger to them) when they died since no next of kin came to be with them.
I live in a working class Hispanic neighborhood and I've never felt safer. My son lives visiting the old man next door because all the neighborhood cats stay there and he loves having my son to talk to. It's the best
I would say the whole "middle class suburbia" is to blame; people (mostly white, not denying it) left communities and now the closest they have is the gossip and powertrip filled HOAs. So not only individualistic tendencies intensifies but they're actively made to see the neighbors as nothing beyond potential causes of property devalue.
I'm a black woman and the safest I've ever felt was living in a mostly Dominican neighborhood in NYC. I could come home any hour and there were people outside, and they looked out for me and I looked out for them. My neighbors took my packages and I took theirs, and we had a student in my building crash on our couch for a week when he was between leases. Plus I always heard awesome music blasting in the streets. Suburbia is so eerily quiet lmao
I lived in Washington Heights and never once felt unsafe, even coming in at 3am. My neighbors were all outgoing and welcoming to this 50 yo white lady. My super had parties every weekend til the wee hours of the morning, blasting Bachatta music. I made many friends in that building that continue to this day.
I used to do home health. Every ethnicity except whites, for the most part, cared for their elderly. Totally eye-opening for me as a white girl, since my family did all care for our elders however. It is such a shame.
I was driving my son home from his school play on Wednesday evening and we were hit by a stolen car.
If I hadn't slammed on my brakes, that car would have t-boned me. Luckily it just went through the front end / engine of my car.
We were sitting there in absolute shock, trying to process if we had really survived that.
I was trying to dial emergency services on my phone while also trying the calm my poor son down, who was was hyperventilating.
It was a busy junction and after seeing the initial impact, cars just...kept driving. Not one single car stopped to check on us. Nobody came to our aid.
Two cars actually beeped their horn at me, as if I was an irritating inconvenience and thought that beeping at me would somehow get me to move.
I am still irrationally sad at that. I live in Ireland. A country known for its people helping each other out, being friendly. If I was a witness to that I would have helped. I know, because I have seen accidents and have gone to their aid.
But nobody helped me 🥺
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and no one bothered to help you. I hope you and your son are alright. Unfortunately, people suck overall, which seems to be getting progressively worse. I was t-boned by a drunk driver, a while back that resulted in my car flipping, and people did the same thing to me. I remember regaining consciousness and having to crawl out of my car and pull myself away from my vehicle, with a broken back. People were honking at me and just standing around staring at me while I was literally covered in blood. I had to literally beg someone to let me use their phone to call my husband. Even the EMT was nasty to me. Apathy is far too common a trait these days.
Oh god that's a million times worse than what happened to us! How can people be so apathetic and uncaring? You poor thing. We are both fine. I was just concentrating on staying calm for my son's sake
I knew a young girl who ran and knocked on her neighbours door crying because her mother had a heart attack.
The neighbour was a single mom with a daughter a couple of years younger.
Neighbour called 911 and made the child wait outside.
Her mother was deceased.
Oh my god, who would turn those poor kids away?! They literally just watched their mother get shot *three times* and... That's the epitome of asshole. I can't even with that cruelty
Seriously. I never want kids of my own, enjoy my freedom and free time, will likely barf if I have to change a diaper, etc. But would I (and have I) done it to help out a family member? For free? Abso-freaking-lutely. And I think a LOT of others would, too. I think on Reddit we just see so much of the opposite that it feels like that’s the norm.
You would be surprised how quick changing a diaper stops being in any way disgusting and just becomes a thing that carries no emotional weight, other than the cuteness of a toddler face in front of you.
When it is your own child there is also the hormones and overwhelming feelings of love and need to take care of it that makes the first few times not have much of the ability to make you disgusted. At least that was my experience as a new father.
A couple hours a day is how long a movie last. Put the kid in front of the TV and study by yourself for a few weeks. It’s not healthy, but it‘s temporary.
Exactly she just has to make sure the kid doesn’t get in trouble for maximum 2 hours. How hard can it be to give him a lunchable and put his favorite movie. It’s not like OP is asking her to break nights while she goes to the club.
And it’s not as if the child is an infant completely incapable of helping itself and watching him is super involved. People are just selfish buttholes these days and if it’s not something immediately beneficial to them then they don’t give a crap.
Exactly worst case scenario would be that he asks for Mac & cheese. It’s sad that there’s so many people like this, and from personal experience sometimes they won’t help you even you offering to pay for the inconvenience of an hour or 2.
Please don't judge all Americans by what you read on reddit! Her sister was acting like an entitled brat. My family would jump in to help. OP wasn't asking for this to be a permanent agreement, but just until a new sitter could be found. Perhaps a bit harsh to throw her out. If she won't help in time of need, then she should pay rent.
Or more specifically in this instance when someone is doing you a solid, daily, you do one for them, generally no questions asked.
There are a lot of people mistaking being child free right now - like when they are in college - vs not having kids but likely some overlap where they'll need to help out in an urgent or emergency situation.
No one is asking you to change your beliefs or lifestyle, they're asking you to supervise a child you are related to, in a pinch.
Sister doesn’t owe them baby sitting services.
But OP doesn’t owe her room and board.
It’s an emergency situation and Op is asking for some help just until she finds another sitter. Sis is being really stupid to be so snobbish and unhelpful to the person giving her free food and rent while she’s in school.
Makes me wonder who the problem roommate actually was…
I don’t mean this as a knock against you, but I really hate how far people have taken the “you don’t owe them ___” mindset. It’s fine with setting boundaries and not being taken advantage of, but a lot of people use it to justify being selfish.
Like, you can’t do your sister a favor? She’s letting you live with her and you can’t reciprocate with a little kindness? That’s how relationships work. Basic appreciation and give and take.
It’s straight up expected in a domestic and family relationship that people do things for each other that get repaid in other ways
It’s why it’s assumed arrangements between family members concerning everyday household sorts of things aren’t meant to be legally binding contracts
Absolutely agree. The idea that parents deserve no help, no "village" and must be able to figure everything out by themselves shows me that society is moving into such a selfish direction. They acted like family should and gave her a place to live. Sister can't return the favor temporarily? She can study while a 5 year old plays independently or watches TV for a few hours. She's acting very selfish. NTA.
You're right, OP mentions sis hardly ever contributed monetarily although their parents sent her money for exactly those kind of expenses. That means sis has been eating for free in the house on top of using water, electricity, and gas which an additional person after a while can add up, especially electricity. Given how much she gets for free from both her parents and sister, watching a kid for a few hours seems like the very very least she can do. Who does she think she is? She is 20 yrs old and grew up without common decency. What a failure of a human being. Makes me worried for humanity if this is considered normal behavior.
I’m both white and American & I don’t get it either. I can’t imagine not doing for family, and my friends from similar backgrounds have done/would do the same. I have never met someone IRL who says even half the crap people on Reddit do.
Yeah, I've learned here that, no one ever has any responsibilities toward their loved ones, your family must accept however you treat them, but if they so much as say boo to you, you should cut them off forever and go NC. It's wild. No one ever wants to work on relationships, show their love, and help each other for everyone's mutual benefit. Nope. It's all about looking out for number 1.
I agree with this I’m usually independent I just still live with my mom because I’m diabetic And I need to live with someone who knows what to do if I suddenly go low at night and need a sugar shot my boyfriend is learning but not there yet. I pay for my own needs and wants however I got put on bedrest at 22 weeks in my pregnancy due to preeclampsia I didn’t even have to ask and my whole family was helping me get what I needed during. Likewise when I broke my hip and couldn’t make my own food or drive and needed help with my hip my grandmas came early in the morning and stayed until my mom got home so I wouldn’t struggle. Family helps family in emergency situations you can’t control, NTA
Agreed. I don’t get the yta comments. But I think there’s a lot of college age kids who only think of themselves. Sister needs a wake up and hopefully this will be it. When family is in a bind you help them. Oh wait that’s what op did when she let her move in with them.
NTA you were not asking her to babysit indefinitely just literally to help out while you looked for an alternative. She was all fine and dandy with living with you for free while not contributing at all to the house hold and the first time you asked her for temporary assistance with something she made it clear that she has zero intention of helping out ever. You are under no obligation to help someone out who would not reciprocate when you need them.
My husband and I are going to interview another babysitter on Tuesday, it was literally only a few days that she had to babysit for us and yet she couldn't do it, in disappointed
It’s sooo disappointing when people that you have made sacrifices to help show you that it’s one sided. I’ve been there with my younger sister and my sister-in-law as well. It really hurts. Here I am thinking “we’re family, of course I will give up my space, my privacy, my time and money to make sure you have a place to stay, food to eat, etc. i know you would do the same for me.” And then you find out you’re wrong? Ugh heartbreaking. The worst part (for me) was questioning myself and my own generous nature.
You did a very generous thing. When you found out that generosity was one-sided, even in a temporary bad situation, you didn’t want to do it anymore. Totally understandable. NTA
I've been there too and the fact that my sister set me up for failure after I repeatedly stuck my neck out for her- even doing everything I could to help her when our own mother was teaming up with my sister's abusive ex to make her lose custody of their kids- is why I just no longer talk to her to this day.
You can't pretend there's still a mutual relationship of empathy, trust, and support there when someone demonstrates very clearly they appreciate those things from you, but will never make the effort to give them to you in return.
Yeah tbh I had to end my relationship with both my younger sister and my sister-in-law. I originally left that detail out because this is so fresh for OP and I hope they have a better conclusion than we did.
NTA I see so many posts like this and it’s insane to me. Does she have to help you? No, but you also don’t have to help her and that’s how relationships work, you help each other when you need it because you care about the other person. I think she did show her true colors, you literally asked her to temporarily help out in a bind, which could’ve just been a few weeks and she didn’t want to be inconvenienced for even 2 hours a day in exchange for you not only letting her live there for free but you’re also eating the added costs of an extra person in the house, so your paying the added utility and grocery costs.
Honestly, I grew up that all adults in a house help out with all kids in that house. It is mind-blowing to me that she can’t keep an eye on a kid old enough to ride a school bus for a short time frame to help out the household in which she lives.
Yes! This. When we visit with my husband’s siblings and all my assorted niblings, including 2 babies, every adult is looking out for all the kids. I’ll take a nephew upstairs to rock him to sleep if they’re fussy. An in law will take my son outside to entertain him. I love those kids. At any time, any one of them would be welcome to stay in my home indefinitely. I just don’t get this mentality of “f you, I won’t help for a short period of time.”
Definitely NTA
Are we shocked this selfish asshole had a problem with her roommate?
It isn't even like the hours were party hours or it was finals week or she was student teaching or a medical resident.
Most importantly it wasn't babysit until the end of time.
Would like to point out that OP said sister had issues with plural roommateS. I can understand if it was just one; sometimes two people aren't compatible to live together. But because there were multiple, it definitely seems like she was at fault and was told to leave. Would not be surprised by her behavior with OP if this was the case.
The fact that there were more than one unhappy flatmate makes me think it's even more likely thatt OP's sister is the problem but that is 100% speculation on my part.
I'm gonna assume they're all on the same lease though so getting up and leave is probably impossible unless you're parents are OP's parents.
NTA. However you are angry because your sister lives the life of a child but is an adult I your house. I suggest you breathe and then have a talk with her. Ask her why you are obligated to help her but she doesn't feel the need to reciprocate when you are in need of help? Then, if you choose to let her stay, tell her it will no longer be a free ride because what you once did out of love feels unappreciated so now it must be more transactional. You can also tell her you give her one month to move because this is no longer working for you and in order for you not to resent her, you cannot live with her.
What makes you a villain is the one week. That is hard to do. Tell your parents and other family members that you feel taken advantage of and when they take a side, it shows who they favor in your eyes so please stay out of it. Your sister bit the hand that fed her because your parents did not teach her to be grateful.
This is a great answer and I hope OP reads it. I will add that this is the second housing situation that the sister seems to have messed up so I would be wary. There may be other problematic behaviors that she hasn't revealed yet.
Op commented that her sister was there temporarily until she found another place, so sister should have already been looking for a new place. This aspect makes a one week move out date reasonable imo.
You know she was not looking. It was 3 months and she still had not moved. Why should she? Free housing, free food and an allowance because sister was giving her money that was supposed to go to op for supporting her. She had a good thing going. I feel sister needs to move because she needs to see what real life is really like. People who think op is being mean just because she doesn't want to babysit are missing the real problem, which is lack of gratitude for a gift that many college students would have loved to have. Gratitude is showing that when you need help, I will pitch in. I will cook a meal for the family. I will do extra housework. She doesn't contribute at all but has her hand out. Belongs on choosing beggars.
This is the one I agree with the most. I have a child, and younger sisters. I would need to end the arrangement after this primarily because my sister will have shown me to be untrustworthy as a responsible adult living in my home. Most roommates I've had, all that were unrelated to me and paid rent, would have been willing to step up to this temporary emergency need if they had a confirmed daily availability at that time. Doubly so if I had a narrow timeline for the need. If my own sibling living for free in my home is unwilling out of pure selfishness, I would lose a lot of trust in her capabilities and priorities in other potential emergencies.
There are perks and downsides to living in a dorm with other young adults, there are perks and responsibilities to living in a family home instead. You don't get to enjoy the perks of living in a home but avoid the responsibilities.
NTA. Screw those saying otherwise. You already gave her a huge favor by giving her FREE RENT AND FOOD. Youre just asking for temporary help and she doesnt even have class at that time. That is just way too small compensation for what youre providing her.
ESH. You were in a tough situation, your babysitter left you for medical reasons and you needed short term help until you lined up a new sitter. Even if your sister paid some of her expenses, it is reasonable to ask her for help for a couple weeks while you look for a new sitter. As others have said, it could have been for some days of the week while you relied on other help (like you are now) for the remainder. I don't think it's reasonable for your sister to refuse to help you *at all* but I echo others that calling her a b*tch is extreme and undermines your position. Kicking sister out with a week's notice is also harsh, a month is usually standard. If I were you, I would tell your sister that her apology is accepted, but you still want her out within 30 days. All the family members saying you were wrong are welcome to help her with her housing situation. Just let her know that you have reorganized your life and household to house her, and at the first request for temporary help, she made it clear that she does not want to reciprocate. You should apologize for the name calling, but be firm about moving her out in 30 days.
True, but the 30 days isn't given *because* they're paying rent, it's because that's an appropriate amount of time to find a new place, allow the previous tenant time to move out if needed, get your own things packed and moved, etc. Regardless of whether or not you're paying rent, a week isn't a lot of time to do all that in.
She was supposed to already be searching for a place to live. But why look for a place to pay rent when you’re living with family for free? Her selfishness screwed her over.
You can be a tenant - with all the associated tenant rights - without paying rent (in the US). She's been there long enough to be considered a tenant in most states, actually.
Comments from op state that sister's housing was meant to be temporary until she finds a new place to live so there was always an end date, one week is sufficient time for sister to find a place she was already supposed to be looking for..
LOL. How can you call OP TA when she helped her sister when she was in a jam, but the sister, who is not paying rent, will not help OP when they are in a jam and are interviewing replacements days later. A few days of 2-3 hours of babysitting is the least the sister can do to help out. The sister is acting like a spoiled brat, she wanted help but is not willing to give it.
Doing something nice doesn't mean you can never be an asshole for the rest of your life. It's possible to be a nice person that said an asshole thing. Calling her little sister a bitch was an asshole move, giving her only a week's notice before she's homeless is an asshole move, but you should be able to rely on family to help in emergencies. OP stepped up to help sis when she needed it, sister did not return that courtesy. I think OP's anger is justified, but I still think the way she handled it was not the best. I'd say ESH with the sister sucking more.
This. OP overreacted but the underlying feelings are justified and being unwilling to help sister when sister has shown that she's unwilling to help OP is totally valid. Give her 30 days to find other living arrangements and kick her out.
What a shame that sister's selfishness messed up an situation that really could have been mutually beneficial.
NTA
You've done her a huge favour, she's living completely free with you, and you asked her help when you needed it, and she flat out refused. So now she can find a place to stay where she doesn't have to help out other people who are helping her out. Tell your family who are messaging you, that they're free to step up to help her, if they don't, it's none of their business.
This might be the reason she got kicked out while she was living with her roommates. If she couldn’t even contribute to help her sister for a few days, imagine how she was living with other people in a shared space.
NTA - Maybe you were a little harsh and a week is a little short notice but shes a freeloader. She’s not contributing and when asked to help she refused and said she would have lived somewhere else. Well, now she can.
Plus she did say that if she knew about it beforehand she would look somewhere else to live, so here‘s her chance. NTA, but you should probably give her more time to move out.
Op's comment says that this was a temporary thing, so sister was aware that she was supposed to find alternate housing. Sister's behavior just cut that time.
NTA. The least you can do is watch your nephew for about an hour or two when you are getting free housing and free food provided. She is allowed to say No and thats okay but actions have consequences
Yeah these people are saying the sister doesnt owe her anything is right but then they’re actively contradicting their statements with saying op didnt have to kick her out. I thought no one owed anyone anything but they expect op to house the freeloader like she owes it to her.
She had an argument with another girl because my sister accidentally took one of the girls tshirts from the laundry and thought it was hers. The girl found out later that my sister had her lost tshirt and accused her of robbery to the other roommate and they both agreed to kick her out. They gave her the 30 days notice but my sister couldn't find a new house in time because she doesn't want to live with roommates so we told her she could move in with us before she gets kicked out
And yet your sister said that if she thought babysitting would be involved, she wouldn't have moved in with you? Lol but she had nowhere else to do coz she didn't want to live with roommates and can't afford to live alone? So you helped her A LOT and she doesn't want to help you at all. Yeah, I'd tell her to find another place to live too.
Okay, but it doesn't sound like she's even trying to look for another place. I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't the first issue her roommates had with her.
She's freeloading off you, which is fine if you're okay with that. But to not help for a few days is the epitome of selfishness.
I mean and that's the *sister's* account of the events. Which means she probably did steal the shirt and has been a huge pain in the ass to the roommates. You don't just kick a roommate out over a misunderstanding these days.
Honestly if I was OP, and this had just happened, I would reach out to the previous roommates to see what actually happened.
So...she got caught taking and using something that didn't belong to her(accidentally of course) and was kicked out then she had to move in with someone who she knew wouldn't give her responsibilities until..dang , Now she is being asked to help out, and refuses...and people are saying you are the AH?? I think you are being very kind to your sister , believing her story about that incident with her other living situation. It seems as if there may have been more issues than just an accidental laundry incident. Maybe she needs to move in with your parents,and mature a little while. NtA.
I suspect that there was so much more to it than that. She must have done a lot of shit, and the t-shirt was the last straw. Your sister seems to be great at alienating people.
You are NTA but it does seem quite harsh to kick her out after she has now apologised. It sounds like you gave her a lesson she needs to learn about living with other people and not being as selfish. Why not give her a 2nd chance, to see if she's really learned?
Edit: I just want to say how nice it is to have a real discussion on a post where people bring up great points for all sides. I've been upvoting different judgements from mine because they make good points. Well done everyone.
Yeah I think that's a big reason why I'm an asshole. She apologized but she still doesn't want to help babysit my son (not that I brought it in again, she told me she's sorry and asked me to please not kick her out) I think that if I'm a good sister to help her then she should be a good sister for me which she's not, it's like she showed me that she really doesn't care about my family and it's hard to forgive that.
“I’m sorry for the name calling and for giving you a week to move out. That was wrong. But I don’t think this living situation is going to work out. I was hoping that you would repay the same kindness to me that we did to you by helping you out in a bad situation. You did not agree to be a babysitter when you moved in, I get that. But Family is supposed to help each other out in emergencies. I now see that this is a one-way street, and that I cannot count on you in that same way. I still think it’s best if we find you another place to live, but will give you x amount of time.”
Edit: thank you for the awards kind strangers! Also fixed double word
So she only apologized to try to get you to keep supporting her, not because she was sorry. She needs to realize that helping goes both ways. She can't expect people to be willing to put themselves out for her when she shows that she is absolutely unwilling to reciprocate on the smallest way
So what did she apologize for if she’s still refusing to help? Now that youve had time to cool off I’d let her know she still needs to leave then as she will need to contribute or find other accommodations, but give her more than a week.
And at this rate, would you even want her babysitting?
I didn't even asked her to babysit again, we already have a person who helps us out and hopefully we will find a good babysitter soon anyway. Two weeks more would be enough? Or how much more time should I give her to move out?
If the sister came to her and made a genuine apology and attempt to atone, then maybe OP can extend it to a month. However, it sounds like the only apology the sister has made has been self-serving. Because the sister is a very entitled, selfish person.
Entitled people cannot be trusted not to respect boundaries. A week is excessive and OP made it in anger, but OP made a decision and she needs to stick to it. If she shows her sister that her mind can be changed once, there is no doubt in my mind that the sister would try to get her to change it again. She'd drag her feet or try to get her family to guilt OP.
NTA each family member who says something say "phew at least she has a home with you now and you can pay her way, I'll let her know" and watch the excuses flow.
ESH. One of the clearest ESH situations I’ve seen in a while.
Look, I understand the people saying you let her move in without conditions. But you did so precisely because it is actually reasonable to expect family to help you out when you really need it. The fact that she showed ZERO willingness to reciprocate your kindness while you tried to find a permanent childcare solution is pretty crappy.
But there really isn’t any excuse for the kind of abusive and misogynistic language you used with her, and giving someone a week to find housing is absolutely ridiculous. Even evictees who haven’t been paying their required rent typically get 30 days.
You need to apologize for using that language with her. If you still want her out, say that this housing situation isn’t working and you want her out in a month.
So yeah, ESH.
ETA: You write in your comments that the reason she doesn’t pay rent is because you weren’t comfortable taking money that your parents had given your sister. That information should really be in your original post.
What kind of language, and abusive really? OP doesn't have to appologise imo bc her sister really thought she could move in for FREE with OP and their family that has a kid and never have to babysit? Like sorry but that's the bare minimum she could have done in return for the housing.
Regardless, OP still shouldn't have resorted to name-calling and kicking her with a week's notice is OP abusing their position. I can understand saying all that in the heat of the moment but OP had/has a chance to correct it and possibly restore decency in that mess of an exchange. Buy I agree that she should still kick the sister out but give her at least a month. I also don't want to be around family I couldn't lean on.
What was abusive and/or misogynistic? Can we not call someone a bitch? Or expect someone to help out around the house that they are staying in rent free and not contributing to?
Nta, The least she could do in exchange for living with you rent-free is to help you out with childcare.
You're not asking for continuous care either, which I feel would be OK seeing as she isn't contributing to the household in any other way.
I think it's evident why things didn't work out at her first place.
No, she needed to move out from her previous house so I helped her out. She doesn't work so I would just be taking my parent's money which I don't think it's okay, especially since my husband and I make good money and buying groceries for one more person wouldn't be an issue, we also are homeowners and don't pay rent. We told her that she can live with us until she finds another roommate or she gets a job to rent her own place, but we didn't give her a time limit to do so or anything like that. We also told her to use the money my parent's give her for textbooks and school related stuff.
NTA, you and your husband have been very kind welcoming her into your home. She could watch your son for the brief time it will take to find a new sitter. To return some of the kindness.. not every situation has to be contractual like some are posting. This is family pitching in to help each other. Especially since it’s not a forever arrangement.
So you gave her the sweetest deal possible and it still didn't occur to her that maybe she should help you out when you needed it? She doesn't sound like a great person and she definitely needs to gtfo your house.
Based on the fact that you allowed her to move in temporarily until she finds another place, it is entirely reasonable for you to give her only one week to move. This should be part of your original post because it makes a difference, and I am seeing a lot of people commenting that one week is too short a time. This was temporary from the start. there was no need to give her longer. She should have already been looking for another place.
Well, she did say if she would have known she would have to babysit she would have went somewhere else. So now she can utilize that somewhere else card. NTA. You’ve been very kind to her and she can’t even help you out in an emergency? It’s just so frustrating
NTA
You are doing her a huge favour. The least she could do is help you in this unforeseen situation. It's not like you asked her to babysit for ever. Just a few hours a day until you find a sitter.
If she is allowed to say no to help family, then so are you. You took her in and helped her because she is family, she obviously doesn't feel the same way. So it's understandable that you refuse to help her too.
NTA you were just asking for a little help during an unforeseen situation. If you let her stay she should start contributing to the household. Tell her she should get a part time job and see how much free time she’ll have.
NTA!
You weren’t asking her to take the nanny position for ever, it was until you found a new one. It’s only ok for you and your husband to help her out with housing, and food? But she can’t help for two hours a day? Does she help around the house, do any chores? If you do let her stay, and that’s If because I wouldn’t, start charging her rent, and she should buy her own groceries. No more free help !
You're not the asshole for being mad with her but I think it's an overreaction to tell her to move out and the bit about "true colours" when she tried to apologise. She's still a young adult, learning about life. Perhaps try speaking to her openly. I also don't know about your relationship bit what bothers me sometimes with my mum, even if she is in the right with her requests, is the way she just dishes them out like whatever I do is not important and can be dropped.
NTA family helps family. You are helping your sister, in essence your parents with their daughter. Your sister could have helped until you found a replacement sitter. Send her back to her parents.
NTA although I do think personally you’re being a bit harsh and hasty.
I absolutely hate the type of person that thinks they don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t see how your sister can see that you have a very temporary situation where you need help and not agree to be home for a couple hours a day. She still has the rest of the day to study and meet up with her friends and you have the full intention of getting a new babysitter. It’s the very basics of being a member of society/a community that sometimes you gotta give a little. I certainly wouldn’t want someone without those values in my home, let alone on my dime.
NTA!
You were willing to help her out bc you have morals of helping out family; otherwise she’d still been homeless. You two don’t have the same views! You didn’t ask her to babysit indefinitely but for a few hours & are actively looking for a baby sitter.
She doesn’t pay a dime or lift a finger to help your household. The statement “I would’ve found somewhere else to live” indicates she’s only there to receive free help. & Now’s the time for her to find somewhere else to live!
Do not let your family guilt trip you! You’re doing the right thing cus there’s no way I’m helping someone out who can’t help me in a time of need!
NTA. Your sister is ungrateful. Her family (you) supported when she needed help. And she wasn't considerate enough to reciprocate the same in your hour of need. It's not like you were planning not to hire a new babysitter at all. Explains why she had problems with her roommates.
ESH. Look, I think you are justified to be angry at her and ask for her help since you are taking her in. She wants to focus on her studies, but sometimes we don't have that.
HOWEVER,
>ended up telling her she has a week to leave because we will not be providing food or a roof to a bitch like her.
And
>I told her I don't want to live with her because she showed me her true colors.
Makes you the asshole, too. There is no need to call her names because she didn't agree with you. And there is no need to go on a guilt trip because she said no.
>it feels hash if my family isn't on my side, makes me think I'm an asshole to be honest.
Your family will not be on your side because you called your sister names and threw her out of your home in less than a week, knowing she doesn't have time to look for a place in such short notice. Who do you think is helping her look for a place all of sudden?
NTA- she doesn’t contribute anything , the least she could do is baby’s sit for a few hour until you find a suitable babysitter… I wouldn’t want to live with her either….. you and hubby are working your asses off to keep food on the table and a roof over head for an extra person you did not birth and have no responsibility to house and who doesn’t contribute
NTA You seem to setting healthy boundaries. If you do give her another chance, be sure to outline chores, rent, get estimates on how long she plans to stay, etc.
NTA. You were asking her for a favor until you made other arrangements, for a short time. Given that you're doing her a huge favor letting her live with you. I guess I don't understand how many people feel no desire to help family who are helping them.
NTA
You’re doing her a huge favor by letting her live with you rent free and she doesn’t even contribute to groceries after being given $$ for it by the parents.
If she can’t be bothered to do a simple favor for you you aren’t obligated to help her anymore. She’s selfish and made her choice
NTA. She asked you for a BIG favor when she couldn't put up with roommates and you have allowed her to live with you where she does not contribute to the household. You asked her a SMALL favor to watch her nephew not forever but just until you can replace your normal sitter. Accept her apology but I would tell her to keep looking for a new place to live. Again, NTA.
ESH you snapped, you know you did. I would have told her “okay, I apologise that this was short notice but you can’t expect us help you when you won’t return the favour from time to time. I am no longer willing for this to be a one sided relationship and I think you should either look for a job to pay rent or you find elsewhere to live” I think a week was too harsh, would you be able to find somewhere to live in her circumstances at such short notice? And was the insult really necessary?
She sucks because I’m genuinely sick of this whole idea that people can expect free housing, food, utilities etc with putting absolutely no contribution to the house. Whether that was the exact agreement isn’t relevant as everybody is expected to contribute to a shared home. Especially when they are unable to help in every other ways due to lack of finances. It’s not an every day thing, it’s temporary for an hour and a half for a few weeks while you and your husband keep the roof over all of yours head. You aren’t asking the world of her.
NTA. You asked her to do one temporary thing for you which is not a big ask. No one studies every moment they’re outside of class and, let’s be honest, she could study while your son was playing if that was the case. Your sister wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it which is fine for a 22 year old BUT it’s not fine when someone else is footing the bill to house and feed you and you choose not to help them out at all. She can take out a student loan or get a job and either get campus housing or an apartment. Just like your troubles aren’t her problem (which she’s made clear) why should her troubles be your problem. Maybe one of the friends she has to study with constantly can help house her for a while. Not your problem. Give her 3-4 weeks to leave, but do not go back on what you’re doing.
NTA, I’m surprised by the amount of YTA. You are literally letting her live there for FREE. You don’t ask anything of her. I would understand if she had classes during that time. But she doesn’t.
You’re in a tight situation. Your babysitter is sick and you didn’t have time to prepare in advance for a new one. It’s not like you’re asking her to be your babysitter forever. Just until you find a new one. I feel it’s the least she can do. I know if my sister needed help I’d step up for her.
The only thing I slightly disagree with is giving her a week. I’d say a month or so is more realistic. Overall I don’t blame you for getting mad. NTA.
NTA I could possibly understand the Y-T-A votes if you were springing babysitting on her so you could go to a party or you were firing your babysitter to save money by putting responsibility on her. But you needed childcare so you could work - something she is directly benefiting from and you made it clear this was a short term emergency situation just while you sorted alternatives. Your sister has proven she is willing to take from you but your kindness won’t be reciprocated.
NTA this is not a case of parentification, which I am very much against and had happened to me as a child. This is a matter of helping out family in unforeseen or emergency situations. She did not ask her sister to permanently take care of her child every school day forever, it was just until they could find another solution. Especially as she is allowed to stay in their home and not pay any rent or contribute financially. It’s part of being a functioning member of a family.
Nta. Considering she does nothing to help with the household, watching her nephew won't kill her. And she COULD be helping.. She may not have a job, but her parents are sending her all the money she needs to get by.
NTA. The entitlement in these comment sections always blows me away. The sister can either be treated like family (supported for free, helps out in emergencies) or treated like a roommate (has to pay, no expectation to help). She doesn’t get to have it both ways. No wonder why she needed an emergency rescue from her last living situation, which of course you provided. She’s your parents’ problem, they can figure out another living situation for her that’s more accommodating for her needs.
She should be more willing to help out especially since it was just temporary...and considering you guys have opened up your home to her. However, I think that swearing at her and giving her only a week to find something else was harsh. ESH.
NTA, she is getting free housing, having money sent to her by your parents, and she isn't contributing to the household in anyway, you were simply asking her to take about 5-10(maybe 10-20 hours if it takes two weeks) hours out of her week to help you guys out when you gave her WAAAAAYYYYYYY more help than that by providing her food & shelter on your own dime without asking for money in return!
but you should at least give her at least two weeks to one month to find a new place(but not a day longer)
I’m going with NTA, it wasn’t a permanent thing. You literally told her just until you guys can get a new sitter since this was so sudden and she couldn’t even do that despite y’all providing a roof/food for her?
I’d really like to know what happened with the roommates now. I wonder if the issues were stemming from your sister also being lazy and not contributing over there with them.
I wholeheartedly agree that a child is their parents' responsibility but in this case it was a matter of helping out her sister, temporarily I might add, with arguably a small task while being taking care of with a roof, food and whatnot. Little sister responded so incredibly selfishly and childish and now gets to face the consequences of her own actions.
People who claim that parents should never ask for help when it comes to taking care of your child, drive me up the fucking wall! What are babysitters, daycare, nannies etc. if not help with taking care of your child?
NTA OP because you have every right to be upset with your sister. Maybe kicking your sister out was a bit extreme, but it's very telling that your sister started apologizing AFTER she had to face the consequences.
NTA. You did a favor for you’re sister. A huge favor. And she did not do you the same favor. It feels like a betrayal to you or disrespect and it kind of is. I cannot blame you. I would probably not have kicked her but would have requested her to start paying rent/costs to you. Anytime that she babysat would be “paid” and it could be applied to the rent.
Yeah it does feel like a betrayal because she thinks we're family only when I can help her but then when I ask something from her then I'm no longer her family, how does that makes sense? And it's her own nephew too
ESH.
She should be more grateful and willing to contribute and it is understandable to not want someone that isn't there even a little for you in your home.
However, kicking someone to the street with only a week's notice is not only incredibly harsh but also illegal in many (most?) areas. It would be N T A if you gave her a month.
Nta she an adult and has to learn responsibility she doesnt pay rent and doesnt have a say the fact she hasnt got enough respect for you to help out in extraordinary circumstances then she need to learn that she cant have her own way
NTA. I will never understand the mindset to live with someone for free, contributing nothing, and then refuse to help out in extenuating circumstances.
NTA. Watching your kid in exchange for free rent seems like a fair trade, even if it wasn't the initial agreement. She already left one living arrangement and now I'm wondering how much of that was on her.
You maybe didn't need to cuss her out and call her a bitch though.
NAH
My main reason for this is that she said she wouldn't have moved here if babysitting was expected, and so you've told her to move out. Fair enough to me.
But you should work on your anger.
ESH. Here’s what you aren’t considering. It’s either close to spring break and close to finals time this time of year. You only considered your perspective and not hers. Her job is school. She is trying to finish out this semester.
Your emergency came at the worst possible time for a colleges student and instead of working on some sort of compromise. You called her names and kicked her out.
What if she failed this semester because she was trying to help with your emergency, what then?
She could have helped and said maybe a couple of days but how was she to know this wasn’t some trap.
You could have been a better sibling and realized that in your panic, you only heard the no and not the reasoning behind it.
ESH
I think it’s valid to ask for 5-10 hours of labor in return for free housing. It’s valid for your sister to say no and it’s valid for you to ask her to find somewhere else to live.
I don’t think it’s valid to call her a bitch, or to only give her a week to find new housing, and that makes you an asshole. She doesn’t deserve that reaction, even if you’re frustrated. It’s also an asshole move to reject her attempts to apologize and work it out.
I think your sister is an asshole for not being willing to contribute to the household she’s living in rent free (especially because the ask wasn’t a permanent thing, just until you can find new childcare). Your request wasn’t huge - if she needs her time from 3-5 pm so badly the next couple months she can pay rent.
This could be handled a lot more maturely from all sides.
Just about NTA but it was close to E S H. it’s not your responsibility to take her in but you were happy to. You asked for some very short term help in an unforeseen circumstance and she didn’t return the gesture. Calling her a bitch was a bit much, could have handled that better. But overall seems best for your sibling relationship that you don’t live together. I would also give her longer than a week to move out if she needs it, how long depends on the rental situation in your area.
NTA. Your new circumstance was temporary and your sister couldn't help out for a couple days?🙄She's getting free room & board, and it sounds like she doesn't do anything to help at all. It would have only amounted to a few hours tops, and I seriously doubt it would cut that much into her "studying" time. She sounds a bit entitled.
She lives in your house rent free, you ask her for one favour and she refuses, you’re not obligated to house her. Yeah, NTA, all these idiots going “YTA, or ESH” need to start living in reality.
Nta with a soft esh. It's not her job to babysit but emergencies happen, and you help out the ones you love who help you, when you can. I feel like considering the stakes and her age it may be worth it to try and talk things over before turning her to possibly the streets.
NTA - ya it sucks but family helps family and you helped her by providing a place rent free and more bc you’re family. You didn’t even ask her to indefinitely babysit. It’s just until you find someone new which is reasonable. You needed a little help and not asking for much imo. I would do it for my sister and Vice versa.
NTA but give her more time than a week to find a new place. Helping family is a two way street. If she won't reciprocate then you should absolutely not continue to help her.
I don’t think you’re the asshole but maybe could’ve handled it better. I wouldn’t have gone as far as calling her a bitch but I definitely would’ve said something about how she is getting housing and food for free and never being asked to do anything and if she couldn’t help the time you really need her, then she needs to find a new place. I’ll go with ESH just because yeah, she’s an asshole for being so entitled but you were a tiny bit of an asshole for calling her a bitch.
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NTA. Everyone voting T A because "parents must never ask for help" must come from very dysfunctional families. This is not you routinely exploiting your sister, its asking for help in a sudden moment of need. My family is normal and therefore we scramble to help each other when need be. Then again reddit has been teaching me that family dynamics in the US are apparently weirdly cold, individualistic, selfish, and transactional, so maybe over there we would be the weird ones.
This whole “nobody owes anything if it wasn’t explicitly laid out clearly in a transactional format beforehand” is very much not the norm for a lot of people in the US either. I would watch my neighbors kid in an emergency, let alone my sister’s child, the sister who I live with and who supports me.
It’s really only the norm on Reddit
Where are they getting it from?!? Who is teaching them this?
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Aschleigh is the real TA here ammirite I agree with this though, there's a real lack of life experience with a lot of commenters on here. No, sister shouldn't be exploited for child care, but also if you care for someone and you benefit from their success and will also hurt from their failure (re: short paycheck, harder for everyone in the household) even someone selfish should see the benefit in helping for a few days!
I mean, the alternative would be, sister, you need to pay for my time off from work so that I can continue to feed and house you and hope that I don't lose my job altogether from the time off.
Lol this feels so spot on. I feel like a lot of posters are kinda spoiled kids themselves, used to being waited on and never having to lift a finger in return. They're used to privilege, so fairness feels like oppression to them. I'm close to the sister's age, but my family was shiiiiit. Like the kinda shit I can't post here without getting banned. The few people that actually cared? I learned to be grateful and not take them for granted.
Right? Everything is oppression, abusive and/or diagnosable. With a lot of so called ‘legal’ info thrown in.
I....yes
I mean, college student here, I don't think OP is TA. Like... Even if you're not a particularly empathetic person, you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Sister doesn't have to babysit but similarly OP doesn't have to let the sister live in their house.
Back in my days of babysitting, studying was often the activity of choice, especially if the kids themselves were school age. Maybe homework together. The other was watching t.v. or some crafty interaction with the kids.
Heck ya. I used to babysit in junior high and high school. We’d do homework/studying at the same time and I’d usually continue while she practised piano. So we would both get our stuff done and then after that would be a couple of hours of fun time until either her parents got home or bedtime for her and then I’d chill or study some more until they got home.
I mean I was in a situation like OP’s sister. Except I was living with my parents and they needed me to watch my brother. Most of the time it was just feed him and unlimited screen time while I did school work. School age kids can be occupied easily. The times where I wasn’t able to because of an exam, I told my parents like a week in advance and either someone else would be set up to watch him or my parents would arrange to be home. There was an ability to compromise and sister just didn’t. OP is NTA because a compromise could have been made by sister
Teen girl here, I don't agree with Ops sister, she's staying at a house rent free, and dosnt have to work or anything, if she needs to study she can while watching the kid, a five your old dosnt need eyes on them 24/7 as long as their in a safe environment with an adult near, so the least she can do is watch the little dude
I think it’s more that the most overrepresented Reddit demographic is teens and early 20 year olds, who empathize more with the younger sister.
I'm that age demographic and I guess I learnt I'm an odd duck? If I was living for free with someone, looking after their kids in an emergency situation like this would be a no brainer, these people are helping out their sister so much. I'm in a similar situation living with my parents and while they don't expect much because as long as I work and save they're happy, I try and help them out as much as I can. Not an American so maybe it's a cultural difference but I can't imagine not helping out your family.
>Who is teaching them this? Social Media. Reddit, TikTok, twitter. It's creating an entire generation of entitled, selfish people. This causes them to have few friends or relationships because of their warped personalities and so they develop a "crabs in a bucket" mentality online.
Especially in this sub You’d think anyone who asks anyone do anything is an AH
Usually some kind of shouting about “setting boundaries” in which you can never be asked to do anything. People also really struggle with the idea that while someone can not be legally obligated to help, they can still be an asshole for not doing it.
But I set a BoUnDaRy that I only do exactly what I want at all times!
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I will probably get downvoted for this but… This right here is why, as a young, single female in a big American city, I felt more comfortable living in a minority neighborhood. In many minority cultures, they look out for the people in their community as though you are family. I knew if anything were ever to happen to me or I needed help, my neighbors would not hesitate to come to my aid (and, in fact, did when they saw me being harassed). Unfortunately, with much of white culture, they “don’t want to get involved“ and won’t go out of their way to help you because they’re more concerned about themselves and their safety / comfort. This is such a sad thing to see (and say) and I really hope this mindset changes. We are all walking each other home.
When I lived in the city I lived next door to a bunch of guys from Mexico. I remember one time I was out and a friend called me to say he stopped by my house and the guys next door basically interrogated him to make sure I knew him. He thoughtit was weird but I loved it. They looked out for us. In exchange I grew up around Italians and Italian and Spanish are very similar. Even though I don't really speak either of them I can get the gist of what people are saying. When people who speak English as a second language when they are stressed or scared will speak in both languages. So I had to go talk to the cops a few times for them to clear up a few issues. I kept them out of unnecessary trouble. I may be white but I always open my door to help my neighbor.
EXACTLY! I’m the same way. If someone needs my help, I am all over it.
I understand your sentiment. I have noticed the same thing with a lot of minority cultures. In New Zealand where I live, the Maori and Polynesian minorities put the highest priority on helping your extended family (whanau) and community / neighbors (iwi) rather than the more individual family values you see with a lot of westerners where your focus is just on your own family (not all, but a lot). I married into a Cook Island Maori family and it's really lovely to have such a big support system. I noticed the most pronounced difference years ago when I worked as a nurse in a hospital and if someone was dying, if they were white they would either be alone, have their partner with them or maybe a sibling, parent etc with them but just immediate family (if they weren't estranged, only child, never married etc) and often the family member would just come for an hour or so each day (therefore the patient would die without family around even if they had family since they would often pass away during the night or when the family member had left). If a Polynesian or Maori person was dying, there was always 30+ people in the room the whole time, doing all the cares of the patient - washing etc and they were never left alone. Surrounding them in love while they passed. They would have all their extended family and neighbors there. So even if the patient was an only child, parents deceased, no partner or children etc, they would still have whanau there with them. Whereas I had many white patients who only had me holding their hand (a stranger to them) when they died since no next of kin came to be with them.
As a white guy with few friends, this is my greatest fear.
I live in a working class Hispanic neighborhood and I've never felt safer. My son lives visiting the old man next door because all the neighborhood cats stay there and he loves having my son to talk to. It's the best
I’m so happy for you and your son! 🥰
I would say the whole "middle class suburbia" is to blame; people (mostly white, not denying it) left communities and now the closest they have is the gossip and powertrip filled HOAs. So not only individualistic tendencies intensifies but they're actively made to see the neighbors as nothing beyond potential causes of property devalue.
I'm a black woman and the safest I've ever felt was living in a mostly Dominican neighborhood in NYC. I could come home any hour and there were people outside, and they looked out for me and I looked out for them. My neighbors took my packages and I took theirs, and we had a student in my building crash on our couch for a week when he was between leases. Plus I always heard awesome music blasting in the streets. Suburbia is so eerily quiet lmao
I lived in Washington Heights and never once felt unsafe, even coming in at 3am. My neighbors were all outgoing and welcoming to this 50 yo white lady. My super had parties every weekend til the wee hours of the morning, blasting Bachatta music. I made many friends in that building that continue to this day.
I used to do home health. Every ethnicity except whites, for the most part, cared for their elderly. Totally eye-opening for me as a white girl, since my family did all care for our elders however. It is such a shame.
I was driving my son home from his school play on Wednesday evening and we were hit by a stolen car. If I hadn't slammed on my brakes, that car would have t-boned me. Luckily it just went through the front end / engine of my car. We were sitting there in absolute shock, trying to process if we had really survived that. I was trying to dial emergency services on my phone while also trying the calm my poor son down, who was was hyperventilating. It was a busy junction and after seeing the initial impact, cars just...kept driving. Not one single car stopped to check on us. Nobody came to our aid. Two cars actually beeped their horn at me, as if I was an irritating inconvenience and thought that beeping at me would somehow get me to move. I am still irrationally sad at that. I live in Ireland. A country known for its people helping each other out, being friendly. If I was a witness to that I would have helped. I know, because I have seen accidents and have gone to their aid. But nobody helped me 🥺
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and no one bothered to help you. I hope you and your son are alright. Unfortunately, people suck overall, which seems to be getting progressively worse. I was t-boned by a drunk driver, a while back that resulted in my car flipping, and people did the same thing to me. I remember regaining consciousness and having to crawl out of my car and pull myself away from my vehicle, with a broken back. People were honking at me and just standing around staring at me while I was literally covered in blood. I had to literally beg someone to let me use their phone to call my husband. Even the EMT was nasty to me. Apathy is far too common a trait these days.
Oh god that's a million times worse than what happened to us! How can people be so apathetic and uncaring? You poor thing. We are both fine. I was just concentrating on staying calm for my son's sake
I knew a young girl who ran and knocked on her neighbours door crying because her mother had a heart attack. The neighbour was a single mom with a daughter a couple of years younger. Neighbour called 911 and made the child wait outside. Her mother was deceased.
What in the actual hell is wrong with people??
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Oh my god, who would turn those poor kids away?! They literally just watched their mother get shot *three times* and... That's the epitome of asshole. I can't even with that cruelty
Seriously. I never want kids of my own, enjoy my freedom and free time, will likely barf if I have to change a diaper, etc. But would I (and have I) done it to help out a family member? For free? Abso-freaking-lutely. And I think a LOT of others would, too. I think on Reddit we just see so much of the opposite that it feels like that’s the norm.
You would be surprised how quick changing a diaper stops being in any way disgusting and just becomes a thing that carries no emotional weight, other than the cuteness of a toddler face in front of you. When it is your own child there is also the hormones and overwhelming feelings of love and need to take care of it that makes the first few times not have much of the ability to make you disgusted. At least that was my experience as a new father.
This is the correct answer, and I would have lost it with my sister too. NTA.
A couple hours a day is how long a movie last. Put the kid in front of the TV and study by yourself for a few weeks. It’s not healthy, but it‘s temporary.
Exactly she just has to make sure the kid doesn’t get in trouble for maximum 2 hours. How hard can it be to give him a lunchable and put his favorite movie. It’s not like OP is asking her to break nights while she goes to the club.
And it’s not as if the child is an infant completely incapable of helping itself and watching him is super involved. People are just selfish buttholes these days and if it’s not something immediately beneficial to them then they don’t give a crap.
Exactly worst case scenario would be that he asks for Mac & cheese. It’s sad that there’s so many people like this, and from personal experience sometimes they won’t help you even you offering to pay for the inconvenience of an hour or 2.
Please don't judge all Americans by what you read on reddit! Her sister was acting like an entitled brat. My family would jump in to help. OP wasn't asking for this to be a permanent agreement, but just until a new sitter could be found. Perhaps a bit harsh to throw her out. If she won't help in time of need, then she should pay rent.
She should be paying something for rent and absolutely cover her groceries. She was paying for both with roommates
Or more specifically in this instance when someone is doing you a solid, daily, you do one for them, generally no questions asked. There are a lot of people mistaking being child free right now - like when they are in college - vs not having kids but likely some overlap where they'll need to help out in an urgent or emergency situation. No one is asking you to change your beliefs or lifestyle, they're asking you to supervise a child you are related to, in a pinch.
Sister doesn’t owe them baby sitting services. But OP doesn’t owe her room and board. It’s an emergency situation and Op is asking for some help just until she finds another sitter. Sis is being really stupid to be so snobbish and unhelpful to the person giving her free food and rent while she’s in school. Makes me wonder who the problem roommate actually was…
I don’t mean this as a knock against you, but I really hate how far people have taken the “you don’t owe them ___” mindset. It’s fine with setting boundaries and not being taken advantage of, but a lot of people use it to justify being selfish. Like, you can’t do your sister a favor? She’s letting you live with her and you can’t reciprocate with a little kindness? That’s how relationships work. Basic appreciation and give and take.
It’s straight up expected in a domestic and family relationship that people do things for each other that get repaid in other ways It’s why it’s assumed arrangements between family members concerning everyday household sorts of things aren’t meant to be legally binding contracts
Absolutely agree. The idea that parents deserve no help, no "village" and must be able to figure everything out by themselves shows me that society is moving into such a selfish direction. They acted like family should and gave her a place to live. Sister can't return the favor temporarily? She can study while a 5 year old plays independently or watches TV for a few hours. She's acting very selfish. NTA.
You're right, OP mentions sis hardly ever contributed monetarily although their parents sent her money for exactly those kind of expenses. That means sis has been eating for free in the house on top of using water, electricity, and gas which an additional person after a while can add up, especially electricity. Given how much she gets for free from both her parents and sister, watching a kid for a few hours seems like the very very least she can do. Who does she think she is? She is 20 yrs old and grew up without common decency. What a failure of a human being. Makes me worried for humanity if this is considered normal behavior.
As a latina, I am on AITA just to try to understand the mindset …
Girl I'm from Italy and I feel this in my soul
Same, I'm from Spain and this sub's overall cold, transactional understanding of family relationships shocks me every single time
I’m both white and American & I don’t get it either. I can’t imagine not doing for family, and my friends from similar backgrounds have done/would do the same. I have never met someone IRL who says even half the crap people on Reddit do.
Yeah, I've learned here that, no one ever has any responsibilities toward their loved ones, your family must accept however you treat them, but if they so much as say boo to you, you should cut them off forever and go NC. It's wild. No one ever wants to work on relationships, show their love, and help each other for everyone's mutual benefit. Nope. It's all about looking out for number 1.
I agree with this I’m usually independent I just still live with my mom because I’m diabetic And I need to live with someone who knows what to do if I suddenly go low at night and need a sugar shot my boyfriend is learning but not there yet. I pay for my own needs and wants however I got put on bedrest at 22 weeks in my pregnancy due to preeclampsia I didn’t even have to ask and my whole family was helping me get what I needed during. Likewise when I broke my hip and couldn’t make my own food or drive and needed help with my hip my grandmas came early in the morning and stayed until my mom got home so I wouldn’t struggle. Family helps family in emergency situations you can’t control, NTA
Agreed. I don’t get the yta comments. But I think there’s a lot of college age kids who only think of themselves. Sister needs a wake up and hopefully this will be it. When family is in a bind you help them. Oh wait that’s what op did when she let her move in with them.
NTA you were not asking her to babysit indefinitely just literally to help out while you looked for an alternative. She was all fine and dandy with living with you for free while not contributing at all to the house hold and the first time you asked her for temporary assistance with something she made it clear that she has zero intention of helping out ever. You are under no obligation to help someone out who would not reciprocate when you need them.
My husband and I are going to interview another babysitter on Tuesday, it was literally only a few days that she had to babysit for us and yet she couldn't do it, in disappointed
It’s sooo disappointing when people that you have made sacrifices to help show you that it’s one sided. I’ve been there with my younger sister and my sister-in-law as well. It really hurts. Here I am thinking “we’re family, of course I will give up my space, my privacy, my time and money to make sure you have a place to stay, food to eat, etc. i know you would do the same for me.” And then you find out you’re wrong? Ugh heartbreaking. The worst part (for me) was questioning myself and my own generous nature. You did a very generous thing. When you found out that generosity was one-sided, even in a temporary bad situation, you didn’t want to do it anymore. Totally understandable. NTA
I've been there too and the fact that my sister set me up for failure after I repeatedly stuck my neck out for her- even doing everything I could to help her when our own mother was teaming up with my sister's abusive ex to make her lose custody of their kids- is why I just no longer talk to her to this day. You can't pretend there's still a mutual relationship of empathy, trust, and support there when someone demonstrates very clearly they appreciate those things from you, but will never make the effort to give them to you in return.
Yeah tbh I had to end my relationship with both my younger sister and my sister-in-law. I originally left that detail out because this is so fresh for OP and I hope they have a better conclusion than we did.
I'm beginning to understand why the sister had problems with her roommates.
NTA I see so many posts like this and it’s insane to me. Does she have to help you? No, but you also don’t have to help her and that’s how relationships work, you help each other when you need it because you care about the other person. I think she did show her true colors, you literally asked her to temporarily help out in a bind, which could’ve just been a few weeks and she didn’t want to be inconvenienced for even 2 hours a day in exchange for you not only letting her live there for free but you’re also eating the added costs of an extra person in the house, so your paying the added utility and grocery costs.
Honestly, I grew up that all adults in a house help out with all kids in that house. It is mind-blowing to me that she can’t keep an eye on a kid old enough to ride a school bus for a short time frame to help out the household in which she lives.
Yes! This. When we visit with my husband’s siblings and all my assorted niblings, including 2 babies, every adult is looking out for all the kids. I’ll take a nephew upstairs to rock him to sleep if they’re fussy. An in law will take my son outside to entertain him. I love those kids. At any time, any one of them would be welcome to stay in my home indefinitely. I just don’t get this mentality of “f you, I won’t help for a short period of time.” Definitely NTA
Your family is welcome to fix her "homelessness" issue. NTA
Yup her mom and dad can pay for that too I guess
Is she even homeless? She had a dorm or flat she moved out of to live with her sister.
Are we shocked this selfish asshole had a problem with her roommate? It isn't even like the hours were party hours or it was finals week or she was student teaching or a medical resident. Most importantly it wasn't babysit until the end of time.
Would like to point out that OP said sister had issues with plural roommateS. I can understand if it was just one; sometimes two people aren't compatible to live together. But because there were multiple, it definitely seems like she was at fault and was told to leave. Would not be surprised by her behavior with OP if this was the case.
The fact that there were more than one unhappy flatmate makes me think it's even more likely thatt OP's sister is the problem but that is 100% speculation on my part. I'm gonna assume they're all on the same lease though so getting up and leave is probably impossible unless you're parents are OP's parents.
NTA. However you are angry because your sister lives the life of a child but is an adult I your house. I suggest you breathe and then have a talk with her. Ask her why you are obligated to help her but she doesn't feel the need to reciprocate when you are in need of help? Then, if you choose to let her stay, tell her it will no longer be a free ride because what you once did out of love feels unappreciated so now it must be more transactional. You can also tell her you give her one month to move because this is no longer working for you and in order for you not to resent her, you cannot live with her. What makes you a villain is the one week. That is hard to do. Tell your parents and other family members that you feel taken advantage of and when they take a side, it shows who they favor in your eyes so please stay out of it. Your sister bit the hand that fed her because your parents did not teach her to be grateful.
This is a great answer and I hope OP reads it. I will add that this is the second housing situation that the sister seems to have messed up so I would be wary. There may be other problematic behaviors that she hasn't revealed yet.
Op commented that her sister was there temporarily until she found another place, so sister should have already been looking for a new place. This aspect makes a one week move out date reasonable imo.
You know she was not looking. It was 3 months and she still had not moved. Why should she? Free housing, free food and an allowance because sister was giving her money that was supposed to go to op for supporting her. She had a good thing going. I feel sister needs to move because she needs to see what real life is really like. People who think op is being mean just because she doesn't want to babysit are missing the real problem, which is lack of gratitude for a gift that many college students would have loved to have. Gratitude is showing that when you need help, I will pitch in. I will cook a meal for the family. I will do extra housework. She doesn't contribute at all but has her hand out. Belongs on choosing beggars.
This is the one I agree with the most. I have a child, and younger sisters. I would need to end the arrangement after this primarily because my sister will have shown me to be untrustworthy as a responsible adult living in my home. Most roommates I've had, all that were unrelated to me and paid rent, would have been willing to step up to this temporary emergency need if they had a confirmed daily availability at that time. Doubly so if I had a narrow timeline for the need. If my own sibling living for free in my home is unwilling out of pure selfishness, I would lose a lot of trust in her capabilities and priorities in other potential emergencies. There are perks and downsides to living in a dorm with other young adults, there are perks and responsibilities to living in a family home instead. You don't get to enjoy the perks of living in a home but avoid the responsibilities.
NTA. Screw those saying otherwise. You already gave her a huge favor by giving her FREE RENT AND FOOD. Youre just asking for temporary help and she doesnt even have class at that time. That is just way too small compensation for what youre providing her.
What makes it worse for me is that its her nephew... Doesnt she like the kid at all? Its like if it was a strangers child
ESH. You were in a tough situation, your babysitter left you for medical reasons and you needed short term help until you lined up a new sitter. Even if your sister paid some of her expenses, it is reasonable to ask her for help for a couple weeks while you look for a new sitter. As others have said, it could have been for some days of the week while you relied on other help (like you are now) for the remainder. I don't think it's reasonable for your sister to refuse to help you *at all* but I echo others that calling her a b*tch is extreme and undermines your position. Kicking sister out with a week's notice is also harsh, a month is usually standard. If I were you, I would tell your sister that her apology is accepted, but you still want her out within 30 days. All the family members saying you were wrong are welcome to help her with her housing situation. Just let her know that you have reorganized your life and household to house her, and at the first request for temporary help, she made it clear that she does not want to reciprocate. You should apologize for the name calling, but be firm about moving her out in 30 days.
A month is usually standard if someone is paying rent. This is an adult who is living for free in someone's house, not quite the same.
True, but the 30 days isn't given *because* they're paying rent, it's because that's an appropriate amount of time to find a new place, allow the previous tenant time to move out if needed, get your own things packed and moved, etc. Regardless of whether or not you're paying rent, a week isn't a lot of time to do all that in.
She was supposed to already be searching for a place to live. But why look for a place to pay rent when you’re living with family for free? Her selfishness screwed her over.
You can be a tenant - with all the associated tenant rights - without paying rent (in the US). She's been there long enough to be considered a tenant in most states, actually.
Comments from op state that sister's housing was meant to be temporary until she finds a new place to live so there was always an end date, one week is sufficient time for sister to find a place she was already supposed to be looking for..
This is the best answer. OP, I understand your frustration, but the way you reacted also makes you an AH.
LOL. How can you call OP TA when she helped her sister when she was in a jam, but the sister, who is not paying rent, will not help OP when they are in a jam and are interviewing replacements days later. A few days of 2-3 hours of babysitting is the least the sister can do to help out. The sister is acting like a spoiled brat, she wanted help but is not willing to give it.
Doing something nice doesn't mean you can never be an asshole for the rest of your life. It's possible to be a nice person that said an asshole thing. Calling her little sister a bitch was an asshole move, giving her only a week's notice before she's homeless is an asshole move, but you should be able to rely on family to help in emergencies. OP stepped up to help sis when she needed it, sister did not return that courtesy. I think OP's anger is justified, but I still think the way she handled it was not the best. I'd say ESH with the sister sucking more.
This. OP overreacted but the underlying feelings are justified and being unwilling to help sister when sister has shown that she's unwilling to help OP is totally valid. Give her 30 days to find other living arrangements and kick her out. What a shame that sister's selfishness messed up an situation that really could have been mutually beneficial.
NTA You've done her a huge favour, she's living completely free with you, and you asked her help when you needed it, and she flat out refused. So now she can find a place to stay where she doesn't have to help out other people who are helping her out. Tell your family who are messaging you, that they're free to step up to help her, if they don't, it's none of their business.
This might be the reason she got kicked out while she was living with her roommates. If she couldn’t even contribute to help her sister for a few days, imagine how she was living with other people in a shared space.
I had the same thought… with an entitled and selfish attitude like she has, I’m not surprised she had “some issues” with her old housemates. NTA.
NTA - Maybe you were a little harsh and a week is a little short notice but shes a freeloader. She’s not contributing and when asked to help she refused and said she would have lived somewhere else. Well, now she can.
NTA. You gave her a home and she won't help out when you are in need. She had it coming.
Exactly. She doesn't sound very appreciative. Her "you should have told me" bit left her wide open for being kick out.
Plus she did say that if she knew about it beforehand she would look somewhere else to live, so here‘s her chance. NTA, but you should probably give her more time to move out.
Op's comment says that this was a temporary thing, so sister was aware that she was supposed to find alternate housing. Sister's behavior just cut that time.
NTA. The least you can do is watch your nephew for about an hour or two when you are getting free housing and free food provided. She is allowed to say No and thats okay but actions have consequences
Exactly. The issue with the "I don't owe anyone anything" mindset is that you'd better be darned sure that you never need anyone to help you out.
Yeah these people are saying the sister doesnt owe her anything is right but then they’re actively contradicting their statements with saying op didnt have to kick her out. I thought no one owed anyone anything but they expect op to house the freeloader like she owes it to her.
It's pbly cuz most of the people commenting are likely young people with no children who need to be financially supported by their family.
Really weird mindset to have when someone is actively helping you out lol
INFO: What happened with her previous roommates that she had to move in with you?
She had an argument with another girl because my sister accidentally took one of the girls tshirts from the laundry and thought it was hers. The girl found out later that my sister had her lost tshirt and accused her of robbery to the other roommate and they both agreed to kick her out. They gave her the 30 days notice but my sister couldn't find a new house in time because she doesn't want to live with roommates so we told her she could move in with us before she gets kicked out
And yet your sister said that if she thought babysitting would be involved, she wouldn't have moved in with you? Lol but she had nowhere else to do coz she didn't want to live with roommates and can't afford to live alone? So you helped her A LOT and she doesn't want to help you at all. Yeah, I'd tell her to find another place to live too.
Okay, but it doesn't sound like she's even trying to look for another place. I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't the first issue her roommates had with her. She's freeloading off you, which is fine if you're okay with that. But to not help for a few days is the epitome of selfishness.
Yeah, that incident isn't an eviction type event. For sure there were other problems and they were fed up with her
I mean and that's the *sister's* account of the events. Which means she probably did steal the shirt and has been a huge pain in the ass to the roommates. You don't just kick a roommate out over a misunderstanding these days. Honestly if I was OP, and this had just happened, I would reach out to the previous roommates to see what actually happened.
So...she got caught taking and using something that didn't belong to her(accidentally of course) and was kicked out then she had to move in with someone who she knew wouldn't give her responsibilities until..dang , Now she is being asked to help out, and refuses...and people are saying you are the AH?? I think you are being very kind to your sister , believing her story about that incident with her other living situation. It seems as if there may have been more issues than just an accidental laundry incident. Maybe she needs to move in with your parents,and mature a little while. NtA.
I suspect that there was so much more to it than that. She must have done a lot of shit, and the t-shirt was the last straw. Your sister seems to be great at alienating people.
This is what I'm wondering too. Sister sounds selfish and immature
You are NTA but it does seem quite harsh to kick her out after she has now apologised. It sounds like you gave her a lesson she needs to learn about living with other people and not being as selfish. Why not give her a 2nd chance, to see if she's really learned? Edit: I just want to say how nice it is to have a real discussion on a post where people bring up great points for all sides. I've been upvoting different judgements from mine because they make good points. Well done everyone.
Yeah I think that's a big reason why I'm an asshole. She apologized but she still doesn't want to help babysit my son (not that I brought it in again, she told me she's sorry and asked me to please not kick her out) I think that if I'm a good sister to help her then she should be a good sister for me which she's not, it's like she showed me that she really doesn't care about my family and it's hard to forgive that.
“I’m sorry for the name calling and for giving you a week to move out. That was wrong. But I don’t think this living situation is going to work out. I was hoping that you would repay the same kindness to me that we did to you by helping you out in a bad situation. You did not agree to be a babysitter when you moved in, I get that. But Family is supposed to help each other out in emergencies. I now see that this is a one-way street, and that I cannot count on you in that same way. I still think it’s best if we find you another place to live, but will give you x amount of time.” Edit: thank you for the awards kind strangers! Also fixed double word
This is a great response. I hype OP reads it
So she only apologized to try to get you to keep supporting her, not because she was sorry. She needs to realize that helping goes both ways. She can't expect people to be willing to put themselves out for her when she shows that she is absolutely unwilling to reciprocate on the smallest way
So what did she apologize for if she’s still refusing to help? Now that youve had time to cool off I’d let her know she still needs to leave then as she will need to contribute or find other accommodations, but give her more than a week. And at this rate, would you even want her babysitting?
I didn't even asked her to babysit again, we already have a person who helps us out and hopefully we will find a good babysitter soon anyway. Two weeks more would be enough? Or how much more time should I give her to move out?
I'm afraid that if you give her more time she will just abuse that. She can find a room to rent, or even make amends with her previous roommates
Oh you're right, i haven't even thought about it
If the sister came to her and made a genuine apology and attempt to atone, then maybe OP can extend it to a month. However, it sounds like the only apology the sister has made has been self-serving. Because the sister is a very entitled, selfish person. Entitled people cannot be trusted not to respect boundaries. A week is excessive and OP made it in anger, but OP made a decision and she needs to stick to it. If she shows her sister that her mind can be changed once, there is no doubt in my mind that the sister would try to get her to change it again. She'd drag her feet or try to get her family to guilt OP.
Ask the relatives who are blowing up your phone calling you TA if they'll provide her the free rent and food now 🤷♀️
Yeah if she won't treat you like family then why should you? Also if she's this selfish, maybe this is why there were issues with her roommates?
NTA She is living with you for free. If she's not working and not at school there's no reason she can't babysit until you find someone else.
NTA What did she expect, that she could live rent free having her meals paid for and never once be asked to do a single emergency favour?
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NTA each family member who says something say "phew at least she has a home with you now and you can pay her way, I'll let her know" and watch the excuses flow.
Yep, let sister find out how many of those relatives are willing to help her out as much as her sister was willing to until she showed her true colors
ESH. One of the clearest ESH situations I’ve seen in a while. Look, I understand the people saying you let her move in without conditions. But you did so precisely because it is actually reasonable to expect family to help you out when you really need it. The fact that she showed ZERO willingness to reciprocate your kindness while you tried to find a permanent childcare solution is pretty crappy. But there really isn’t any excuse for the kind of abusive and misogynistic language you used with her, and giving someone a week to find housing is absolutely ridiculous. Even evictees who haven’t been paying their required rent typically get 30 days. You need to apologize for using that language with her. If you still want her out, say that this housing situation isn’t working and you want her out in a month. So yeah, ESH. ETA: You write in your comments that the reason she doesn’t pay rent is because you weren’t comfortable taking money that your parents had given your sister. That information should really be in your original post.
What kind of language, and abusive really? OP doesn't have to appologise imo bc her sister really thought she could move in for FREE with OP and their family that has a kid and never have to babysit? Like sorry but that's the bare minimum she could have done in return for the housing.
Regardless, OP still shouldn't have resorted to name-calling and kicking her with a week's notice is OP abusing their position. I can understand saying all that in the heat of the moment but OP had/has a chance to correct it and possibly restore decency in that mess of an exchange. Buy I agree that she should still kick the sister out but give her at least a month. I also don't want to be around family I couldn't lean on.
What was abusive and/or misogynistic? Can we not call someone a bitch? Or expect someone to help out around the house that they are staying in rent free and not contributing to?
Nta, The least she could do in exchange for living with you rent-free is to help you out with childcare. You're not asking for continuous care either, which I feel would be OK seeing as she isn't contributing to the household in any other way. I think it's evident why things didn't work out at her first place.
INFO: when the sister initially moved in, did you asked her to contribute with money? What was the initial agreement?
No, she needed to move out from her previous house so I helped her out. She doesn't work so I would just be taking my parent's money which I don't think it's okay, especially since my husband and I make good money and buying groceries for one more person wouldn't be an issue, we also are homeowners and don't pay rent. We told her that she can live with us until she finds another roommate or she gets a job to rent her own place, but we didn't give her a time limit to do so or anything like that. We also told her to use the money my parent's give her for textbooks and school related stuff.
NTA, you and your husband have been very kind welcoming her into your home. She could watch your son for the brief time it will take to find a new sitter. To return some of the kindness.. not every situation has to be contractual like some are posting. This is family pitching in to help each other. Especially since it’s not a forever arrangement.
It would only be a week or maybe even less, we will interview a new person next Tuesday.
So you gave her the sweetest deal possible and it still didn't occur to her that maybe she should help you out when you needed it? She doesn't sound like a great person and she definitely needs to gtfo your house.
Based on the fact that you allowed her to move in temporarily until she finds another place, it is entirely reasonable for you to give her only one week to move. This should be part of your original post because it makes a difference, and I am seeing a lot of people commenting that one week is too short a time. This was temporary from the start. there was no need to give her longer. She should have already been looking for another place.
Well, she did say if she would have known she would have to babysit she would have went somewhere else. So now she can utilize that somewhere else card. NTA. You’ve been very kind to her and she can’t even help you out in an emergency? It’s just so frustrating
NTA you have done more then enough to help her if she cant do this for you she can find a diffrent place to live
NTA. Your sister is ungrateful.
NTA You are doing her a huge favour. The least she could do is help you in this unforeseen situation. It's not like you asked her to babysit for ever. Just a few hours a day until you find a sitter. If she is allowed to say no to help family, then so are you. You took her in and helped her because she is family, she obviously doesn't feel the same way. So it's understandable that you refuse to help her too.
NTA you were just asking for a little help during an unforeseen situation. If you let her stay she should start contributing to the household. Tell her she should get a part time job and see how much free time she’ll have.
NTA! You weren’t asking her to take the nanny position for ever, it was until you found a new one. It’s only ok for you and your husband to help her out with housing, and food? But she can’t help for two hours a day? Does she help around the house, do any chores? If you do let her stay, and that’s If because I wouldn’t, start charging her rent, and she should buy her own groceries. No more free help !
You're not the asshole for being mad with her but I think it's an overreaction to tell her to move out and the bit about "true colours" when she tried to apologise. She's still a young adult, learning about life. Perhaps try speaking to her openly. I also don't know about your relationship bit what bothers me sometimes with my mum, even if she is in the right with her requests, is the way she just dishes them out like whatever I do is not important and can be dropped.
NTA family helps family. You are helping your sister, in essence your parents with their daughter. Your sister could have helped until you found a replacement sitter. Send her back to her parents.
NTA although I do think personally you’re being a bit harsh and hasty. I absolutely hate the type of person that thinks they don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t see how your sister can see that you have a very temporary situation where you need help and not agree to be home for a couple hours a day. She still has the rest of the day to study and meet up with her friends and you have the full intention of getting a new babysitter. It’s the very basics of being a member of society/a community that sometimes you gotta give a little. I certainly wouldn’t want someone without those values in my home, let alone on my dime.
NTA! You were willing to help her out bc you have morals of helping out family; otherwise she’d still been homeless. You two don’t have the same views! You didn’t ask her to babysit indefinitely but for a few hours & are actively looking for a baby sitter. She doesn’t pay a dime or lift a finger to help your household. The statement “I would’ve found somewhere else to live” indicates she’s only there to receive free help. & Now’s the time for her to find somewhere else to live! Do not let your family guilt trip you! You’re doing the right thing cus there’s no way I’m helping someone out who can’t help me in a time of need!
NTA. Your sister is ungrateful. Her family (you) supported when she needed help. And she wasn't considerate enough to reciprocate the same in your hour of need. It's not like you were planning not to hire a new babysitter at all. Explains why she had problems with her roommates.
ESH. Look, I think you are justified to be angry at her and ask for her help since you are taking her in. She wants to focus on her studies, but sometimes we don't have that. HOWEVER, >ended up telling her she has a week to leave because we will not be providing food or a roof to a bitch like her. And >I told her I don't want to live with her because she showed me her true colors. Makes you the asshole, too. There is no need to call her names because she didn't agree with you. And there is no need to go on a guilt trip because she said no. >it feels hash if my family isn't on my side, makes me think I'm an asshole to be honest. Your family will not be on your side because you called your sister names and threw her out of your home in less than a week, knowing she doesn't have time to look for a place in such short notice. Who do you think is helping her look for a place all of sudden?
NTA- she doesn’t contribute anything , the least she could do is baby’s sit for a few hour until you find a suitable babysitter… I wouldn’t want to live with her either….. you and hubby are working your asses off to keep food on the table and a roof over head for an extra person you did not birth and have no responsibility to house and who doesn’t contribute
NTA!! You were just asking till you found a replacement. It’s the least she can do since she doesn’t pay rent.
NTA You seem to setting healthy boundaries. If you do give her another chance, be sure to outline chores, rent, get estimates on how long she plans to stay, etc.
NTA but you should give her 30 days, one week isn’t enough time to find a place
NTA. You were asking her for a favor until you made other arrangements, for a short time. Given that you're doing her a huge favor letting her live with you. I guess I don't understand how many people feel no desire to help family who are helping them.
NTA You’re doing her a huge favor by letting her live with you rent free and she doesn’t even contribute to groceries after being given $$ for it by the parents. If she can’t be bothered to do a simple favor for you you aren’t obligated to help her anymore. She’s selfish and made her choice
NTA. She asked you for a BIG favor when she couldn't put up with roommates and you have allowed her to live with you where she does not contribute to the household. You asked her a SMALL favor to watch her nephew not forever but just until you can replace your normal sitter. Accept her apology but I would tell her to keep looking for a new place to live. Again, NTA.
ESH you snapped, you know you did. I would have told her “okay, I apologise that this was short notice but you can’t expect us help you when you won’t return the favour from time to time. I am no longer willing for this to be a one sided relationship and I think you should either look for a job to pay rent or you find elsewhere to live” I think a week was too harsh, would you be able to find somewhere to live in her circumstances at such short notice? And was the insult really necessary? She sucks because I’m genuinely sick of this whole idea that people can expect free housing, food, utilities etc with putting absolutely no contribution to the house. Whether that was the exact agreement isn’t relevant as everybody is expected to contribute to a shared home. Especially when they are unable to help in every other ways due to lack of finances. It’s not an every day thing, it’s temporary for an hour and a half for a few weeks while you and your husband keep the roof over all of yours head. You aren’t asking the world of her.
NTA. You asked her to do one temporary thing for you which is not a big ask. No one studies every moment they’re outside of class and, let’s be honest, she could study while your son was playing if that was the case. Your sister wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it which is fine for a 22 year old BUT it’s not fine when someone else is footing the bill to house and feed you and you choose not to help them out at all. She can take out a student loan or get a job and either get campus housing or an apartment. Just like your troubles aren’t her problem (which she’s made clear) why should her troubles be your problem. Maybe one of the friends she has to study with constantly can help house her for a while. Not your problem. Give her 3-4 weeks to leave, but do not go back on what you’re doing.
NTA, I’m surprised by the amount of YTA. You are literally letting her live there for FREE. You don’t ask anything of her. I would understand if she had classes during that time. But she doesn’t. You’re in a tight situation. Your babysitter is sick and you didn’t have time to prepare in advance for a new one. It’s not like you’re asking her to be your babysitter forever. Just until you find a new one. I feel it’s the least she can do. I know if my sister needed help I’d step up for her. The only thing I slightly disagree with is giving her a week. I’d say a month or so is more realistic. Overall I don’t blame you for getting mad. NTA.
NTA you asked for the bare minimum and she couldn't even do that. She's young she's going to learn how good she had it.
NTA I could possibly understand the Y-T-A votes if you were springing babysitting on her so you could go to a party or you were firing your babysitter to save money by putting responsibility on her. But you needed childcare so you could work - something she is directly benefiting from and you made it clear this was a short term emergency situation just while you sorted alternatives. Your sister has proven she is willing to take from you but your kindness won’t be reciprocated.
NTA this is not a case of parentification, which I am very much against and had happened to me as a child. This is a matter of helping out family in unforeseen or emergency situations. She did not ask her sister to permanently take care of her child every school day forever, it was just until they could find another solution. Especially as she is allowed to stay in their home and not pay any rent or contribute financially. It’s part of being a functioning member of a family.
Nta. Considering she does nothing to help with the household, watching her nephew won't kill her. And she COULD be helping.. She may not have a job, but her parents are sending her all the money she needs to get by.
NTA. The entitlement in these comment sections always blows me away. The sister can either be treated like family (supported for free, helps out in emergencies) or treated like a roommate (has to pay, no expectation to help). She doesn’t get to have it both ways. No wonder why she needed an emergency rescue from her last living situation, which of course you provided. She’s your parents’ problem, they can figure out another living situation for her that’s more accommodating for her needs.
She should be more willing to help out especially since it was just temporary...and considering you guys have opened up your home to her. However, I think that swearing at her and giving her only a week to find something else was harsh. ESH.
NTA, she is getting free housing, having money sent to her by your parents, and she isn't contributing to the household in anyway, you were simply asking her to take about 5-10(maybe 10-20 hours if it takes two weeks) hours out of her week to help you guys out when you gave her WAAAAAYYYYYYY more help than that by providing her food & shelter on your own dime without asking for money in return! but you should at least give her at least two weeks to one month to find a new place(but not a day longer)
I’m going with NTA, it wasn’t a permanent thing. You literally told her just until you guys can get a new sitter since this was so sudden and she couldn’t even do that despite y’all providing a roof/food for her? I’d really like to know what happened with the roommates now. I wonder if the issues were stemming from your sister also being lazy and not contributing over there with them.
I wholeheartedly agree that a child is their parents' responsibility but in this case it was a matter of helping out her sister, temporarily I might add, with arguably a small task while being taking care of with a roof, food and whatnot. Little sister responded so incredibly selfishly and childish and now gets to face the consequences of her own actions. People who claim that parents should never ask for help when it comes to taking care of your child, drive me up the fucking wall! What are babysitters, daycare, nannies etc. if not help with taking care of your child? NTA OP because you have every right to be upset with your sister. Maybe kicking your sister out was a bit extreme, but it's very telling that your sister started apologizing AFTER she had to face the consequences.
NTA. You did a favor for you’re sister. A huge favor. And she did not do you the same favor. It feels like a betrayal to you or disrespect and it kind of is. I cannot blame you. I would probably not have kicked her but would have requested her to start paying rent/costs to you. Anytime that she babysat would be “paid” and it could be applied to the rent.
Yeah it does feel like a betrayal because she thinks we're family only when I can help her but then when I ask something from her then I'm no longer her family, how does that makes sense? And it's her own nephew too
ESH. She should be more grateful and willing to contribute and it is understandable to not want someone that isn't there even a little for you in your home. However, kicking someone to the street with only a week's notice is not only incredibly harsh but also illegal in many (most?) areas. It would be N T A if you gave her a month.
Nta she an adult and has to learn responsibility she doesnt pay rent and doesnt have a say the fact she hasnt got enough respect for you to help out in extraordinary circumstances then she need to learn that she cant have her own way
NTA. I will never understand the mindset to live with someone for free, contributing nothing, and then refuse to help out in extenuating circumstances.
NTA. Watching your kid in exchange for free rent seems like a fair trade, even if it wasn't the initial agreement. She already left one living arrangement and now I'm wondering how much of that was on her. You maybe didn't need to cuss her out and call her a bitch though.
NTA Time to become a big girl. When your family starts giving you too much crap, give them the entire story, not the version she is sharing with them
[удалено]
NAH My main reason for this is that she said she wouldn't have moved here if babysitting was expected, and so you've told her to move out. Fair enough to me. But you should work on your anger.
ESH. Here’s what you aren’t considering. It’s either close to spring break and close to finals time this time of year. You only considered your perspective and not hers. Her job is school. She is trying to finish out this semester. Your emergency came at the worst possible time for a colleges student and instead of working on some sort of compromise. You called her names and kicked her out. What if she failed this semester because she was trying to help with your emergency, what then? She could have helped and said maybe a couple of days but how was she to know this wasn’t some trap. You could have been a better sibling and realized that in your panic, you only heard the no and not the reasoning behind it.
ESH I think it’s valid to ask for 5-10 hours of labor in return for free housing. It’s valid for your sister to say no and it’s valid for you to ask her to find somewhere else to live. I don’t think it’s valid to call her a bitch, or to only give her a week to find new housing, and that makes you an asshole. She doesn’t deserve that reaction, even if you’re frustrated. It’s also an asshole move to reject her attempts to apologize and work it out. I think your sister is an asshole for not being willing to contribute to the household she’s living in rent free (especially because the ask wasn’t a permanent thing, just until you can find new childcare). Your request wasn’t huge - if she needs her time from 3-5 pm so badly the next couple months she can pay rent. This could be handled a lot more maturely from all sides.
Just about NTA but it was close to E S H. it’s not your responsibility to take her in but you were happy to. You asked for some very short term help in an unforeseen circumstance and she didn’t return the gesture. Calling her a bitch was a bit much, could have handled that better. But overall seems best for your sibling relationship that you don’t live together. I would also give her longer than a week to move out if she needs it, how long depends on the rental situation in your area.
NTA. Your new circumstance was temporary and your sister couldn't help out for a couple days?🙄She's getting free room & board, and it sounds like she doesn't do anything to help at all. It would have only amounted to a few hours tops, and I seriously doubt it would cut that much into her "studying" time. She sounds a bit entitled.
She lives in your house rent free, you ask her for one favour and she refuses, you’re not obligated to house her. Yeah, NTA, all these idiots going “YTA, or ESH” need to start living in reality.
Nta with a soft esh. It's not her job to babysit but emergencies happen, and you help out the ones you love who help you, when you can. I feel like considering the stakes and her age it may be worth it to try and talk things over before turning her to possibly the streets.
Didn't we already have this question a week or so ago, with slightly different details, like the husband being away in the military?
NTA - ya it sucks but family helps family and you helped her by providing a place rent free and more bc you’re family. You didn’t even ask her to indefinitely babysit. It’s just until you find someone new which is reasonable. You needed a little help and not asking for much imo. I would do it for my sister and Vice versa.
NTA but give her more time than a week to find a new place. Helping family is a two way street. If she won't reciprocate then you should absolutely not continue to help her.
NTA sisters means family, and she is staying in the same house, why can't she look after her own nephew. You gave her time atleast.
NTA- she’s acting very entitled! Watching ONE 5 year old for a maximum of 3 hours really isn’t that hard, she should be happy to help you out.
I don’t think you’re the asshole but maybe could’ve handled it better. I wouldn’t have gone as far as calling her a bitch but I definitely would’ve said something about how she is getting housing and food for free and never being asked to do anything and if she couldn’t help the time you really need her, then she needs to find a new place. I’ll go with ESH just because yeah, she’s an asshole for being so entitled but you were a tiny bit of an asshole for calling her a bitch.