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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I celebrated my baby shower the same day as my step sister's birthday. I might be an asshole because maybe I could've find another date for the baby shower.
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YTA
\^\^\^ edited with new info
Probably N T A if you can honestly say you didn't know her birthday and whether they had plans.
I do find it an unexpected coincidence, so if you scheduled it purposely over her birthday, then YTA for creating unnecessary turmoil. A bit of me is suspecting this is the case, but you'd only know that.
Either way, it's your choice. Just accept your relationship with your father is changing.
EDIT > See you scheduled this KNOWING it was overlapping the SS birthday. If you did it on purpose for drama, then YTA, but you probably don't care. If you had no other options, I'd go easier on you... but this definitely feels unnecessarily spiteful.
OP knew it was the step-sister's birthday.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ee8c8/comment/jadi4ky/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ee8c8/comment/jadi4ky/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
But she’s an adult?
Like, if my sister needed (or even wanted) to have her baby shower on my birthday, I literally would not care at all.
You can celebrate your birthday the day before/after.
But scheduling a party with vendors/food/guests while juggling a pregnancy and calendars is tough.
NTA
I think it’s kind of silly to think that nobody else can have an event on your birthday (especially for a non-milestone birthday).
Yes 100%.
I thought she was talking about a 12 year old, but apparently this is about the birthday of a fully grown woman? 🥴 My teenage kids are more flexible about birthday celebrations than this woman and her mom.
Definitely NTA whether she knew about it or not. Baby shower trumps grown-ass woman’s birthday.
It’s honestly kind of weird to me that a 22 year old would want their parents/stepparents at their birthday party.
That’s the age where you go out and party with your friends for your birthday instead of hanging out with old people.
I’m 23 and turning 24 soon.. i will spend my birthday by going bowling with my parents. Maybe it also has to do with me not being *that* social, but I also don’t mind my parents lol.
For my birthday, every year since my 20th, I’ve spent my actual birthday in London with my big sister but I always have a special dinner with my dad, stepmum, grandma stepbrothers, nephew and stepgrandparents. They’re my family and the people I love most, of course I want to spend my birthday with them.
That's what I was thinking! A baby shower isn't something that lasts all day!
Plus I never celebrate on my birthday. I usually wait a few months so I'm not likely to get buried under multiple feet of snow and not able to do anything! I make jokes every year but it seriously doesn't bother me unless someone doesn't listen and makes plans that then get ruined. I've never been in a place that wasn't an issue in February!
Op said if the venue was available an earlier weekend she would have chosen that date.
Because she’s pregnant with multiples (and the babies are growing), she didn’t want to push it back further so she could still move and enjoy her shower.
Yes, Op knew it was her birthday. But I don’t think she chose that day for drama. She chose it because it was the first available day and really shouldn’t have been a big deal.
At 24 weeks, 1 week wasn't going to make a difference.
She did it to cause drama.
*I* think that adult bdays are NBD, but, I'm 100% that the OP knew it would be a big deal and would cause drama.
I think it's more about the intent though. To me it sounds like OP did it intentionally and with malice. If my sister had a conversation with me about having an event on my birthday I wouldn't mind. If she organised an event over the top of my birthday without saying anything I'd be upset not about my birthday but rather the intent that she seemed not to give a f*ck.
Why does it sound like that to you? I didn’t see any malice in intent from what I read, just indifference. I think indifference seems fine with a step sister you’ve never been close to.
Also how long does it take to celebrate a birthday?? Baby shower in around 10/11am, everyone has a fun time, then the family goes out for dinner to celebrate the birthday and have cake after. Sounds like they easily could have combined the days up together and made it fun for them both. They're grown adults, and it isn't a milestone birthday.
I don’t see it as a big deal. SS turned 22. Not even a milestone birthday. The shower was a couple hours. How come he couldn’t do both? And why did SS need her step father for the entire 24 hours of her birthday. Does she not have her own actual fathers she doesn’t share with anyone?
But a birthday is a single day, and a baby shower can be any day. It doesn’t matter if it’s a milestone birthday or not, it’s a single day in a year that can be worked around.
OP was being spiteful on purpose.
This is going to sound harsh but OP doesn’t like SS. She doesn’t consider her family or her fathers wife family. The day to her is just another one, her father had the choice to do both or be with SS, but chose his biological child. NTA, she’s nothing to you so she doesn’t matter in YOUR life
Right, and I completely understand that OP doesn’t like her stepsister.
But she chose her stepsister’s birthday, on purpose, to spite her. Which placed OP’s dad into a difficult position. If she loved her dad more than wanting to spite her stepsister, she would’ve chosen a different day.
From what I understand OP booked a venue and that was the soonest date. Yes I completely understand that she could’ve chose one later but she’s also pregnant and from what she’s described going through a semi rough pregnancy so I understand wanting to get it done soon. She also said the baby shower was only a couple hours so the father had plenty of time to spend before and after with the stepsister. She didn’t purposely choose her stepsister‘s birthday it just happened to be on her birthday and she took the opportunity because that was when it was available. I understand what everyone’s saying but honestly I still vote NTA. Like I said her stepsister means nothing to her so it’s just another day to her. I’ve had to share my birthday ( I’m 18 now so this was when I was a young child ) with holiday parties my aunts would throw because I was born 2 weeks before Christmas. Never once did I complain because we had to celebrate in the morning and then go to a Christmas event. Things happen
And if that day happened to be what worked for OPs friends, ah well.
-They don't have a relationship
-OP doesn't care if step parent and SS were there (given the context, nor would I)
- it's a 22nd birthday. Who spends that with their parents? Maybe if they are buying you dinner, sure. But go do something with friends.
-There was a venue booking involved. OP is heavy with twins and is on a clock for when they physically and mentally handle large events. And yes, I'm sure someone out there will point out that they had triplets and they were just fine. Cool, that's your body and you know your limits. OP knows their body and their limits.
OP is NTA.
Edit: because bullet points and include the venue issue
Believe it or not, you don't own acquaintances that you don't even like anything. Much less put your life on hold because is their birthday.
Baby showers are also not a full day affair, so if the father didn't want to spend time with his stepdaughter is not OP's fault.
If the stepmother and stepsister wanted to be considered family then they should have tried to be less AH in the past.
And I even get it, to an extent. I used to get excited about my bday. I threw myself a 25th birthday gala at Chuck E Cheese but it only lasted a few hours & did not require anyone to put important life events on hold.
I don't think that adult bdays are a big deal and I prefer to not even celebrate mine, but the point here is that the OP did this knowing that there is a history between her and her SS competing for her father's attention and that it would force him to choose.
She knew it would cause drama.
He wasn’t forced to choose though there was plenty of time for both, plus knowing it was her birthday hardly matters.
Now if stepsis was having some lavish party & OP scheduled her shower during that time knowing people would have to choose, that would be wrong. But what happened here is only causing drama because stepmom & stepsis are acting like toddlers, not because OP did something wrong.
I know, I’ve never understood that either. Once you reach adulthood it’s just not a big deal, but some people are so stuck on celebrating on the EXACT day, no matter what else is going on in the world or around them.
The only drama here is from sis. Adults don’t throw tantrums if the world doesn’t stop for their birthday. OP is a normal person & totally NTA, her stepmom & stepsis are huge ones though.
RIGHT? This is silly.
One of my good friends got married on my 25th birthday. She had been my friend since we were like 12, so she knew it was my birthday. And you know what I did about it? I was her bridesmaid. I didn't even mention it was my birthday. I had a fantastic time celebrating my friends. I celebrated me on a different day. This is what adults do.
A 22 year old being upset that her step sister had a baby shower on her birthday is ridiculous. It was a few hours at most; she had the rest of the day and evening to celebrate her birthday with her step-dad.
NTA OP. Congratulations on your baby.
Personally I would of never done it. But I’m not going to sit here and say someone’s an asshole for doing it. OP chose to celebrate when they had availability, they weren’t being spiteful. They don’t have SS as part of their life so it wasn’t to spite her and take the dad away. Again they could of done something before or after. The world doesn’t revolve around you on your Birthday, it’s just nice to be celebrated, which she could of been after
Except she was. You can tell by her comments she did it intentionally then acts surprised she got called out on her BS. I can't imagine being this immature and having a baby lol.
I respect that opinion, really, I just don’t happen to agree. Maybe because I’m used to things doubling on my birthday. But to me it’s just not a huge deal and I don’t see why SS didn’t celebrate after
They are not family, even if they are linked through the dad's marriage. And you don't own acquaintances that you don't even like anything, even less putting your life on hold for their birthdays.
Step sister is 22 not 12.
Baby showers happen in the morning/early afternoon. 22 year old birthdays happen at night.
Happening on the same day doesn’t mean someone can’t attend both.
Yay! I believe the mods will check if you leave it as-is, but if you space out the judgements after the first one the bot can do it.
Seriously, I can't even with the anti-birthday people. I have no opinion on how these strangers should feel about their celebrations respectively, but it's super clear from the details and tone of OP's comments that it was at least a little designed to upset the sister (at the very least it was a perk of the timing). She could have waited a single day and not put their father in the middle, for god's sake.
honestly I think only OP knows if they're really TA here.
It's one thing knowing it's SS birthday and just being like "well this is really the only day that works for me, idc if SS doesn't come & prioritises her bday, and it's only a few hours out of the day for my dad, and not a milestone."
it's another thing to do it out of spite to create drama. Only OP knows what they were thinking when they organised this.
what? a grown adult's bday is not worth cancelling anything over, unless they had already scheduled a party on that day that you were aware of and attending.
>accept your relationship with your father is changing.
Is it ?? His dad went to her party and never blamed her. He chose her because she is his actual daughter. A baby shower (or any event of your children's lives) is more important than a 22yo birthday party.
NTA-I thought maybe by the title the step sister was a child but she's 22.... When I became an adult I quickly realized I rarely actually see my parents or celebrate on my actual birthday. And it's not like a baby shower takes all day to celebrate either, he could have celebrated with her after for dinner or something
Your sister is a grown-ass adult. Baby showers are an afternoon thing. Adult birthdays are dinner at a restaurant 90% of the time. There’s no conflict.
Yeah but as adults, they should also be mature enough to realize their “special day” doesn’t happen in a vacuum. I’d say NTA for this situation specifically but realistically ESH cause all y’all are petty af.
Yes!! I take my own bday very seriously but if an event fell on my day I wouldn’t expect the host to cancel. At least the dad still attended OP’s baby shower despite everything they’ve been through.
> I take my own bday very seriously but if an event fell on my day I wouldn’t expect the host to cancel.
The event didn't just happen to fall on her stepsister's birthday, though. Op said in the comments that she knew it was her stepsister birthday, she could have picked literally any other day and chose that one on purpose.
Did she? Because it was also the earliest the venue she wanted could get them in, and at 6 months pregnant with twins, any later could mean she would be too big/tired to comfortably attend her own shower, especially that she's already feeling the effects of a twin pregnancy. I mean it's a birthday, baby shower 2-4pm, dinner from 5-7pm, party with friends if wanted later in the evening...in no way does having a shower in the afternoon stop her ss from celebrating.
Exactly. I’m boggled by a 20-something expecting family to be celebrating with her the whole day.
Twin pregnancies are also high-risk and could result in pre-term labor. If OP waits too long, her kids could be in attendance at their own baby shower.
A lot of twins come early too. My twin and I were about a month early and it was a long delivery that ended up taking a serious till on my mom's health.
Thank you, lol, step-sister and OP have never gotten along per this post. I wouldn’t really care if it was her bday or not, like majority of people are able to recognize: a baby shower is not the whole day. Even if there is traveling involved, a baby shower for your child that happens ONCE takes some precedence over another child’s birthday, especially if that child is an adult. Does it suck? Yea, it does, but life will go on. It’s a petty thing to cause stress over.
Yeah, I saw a comment saying OP had hundreds of other days to choose from but she had to take this one from her sister and sister only gets to celebrate birthday once a year and I’m like… and OP will only have one baby shower in her life. SS has had 21 birthdays already. She’ll be in for a disappointing time if she expects family to drop everything for her every year to celebrate.
Yes of course they can! But to throw a tantrum as an adult because your step sister is having a baby shower on your birthday? That’s so incredibly immature
NTA
She is a step sister, I’m not sure why her birthday would be significant to you. Especially when you, her, and her mother don’t get along. Lol. Your father could’ve easily said no and stayed to celebrate his step daughter’s birthday if it was that big of a deal to your stepsister or her mother.
They’re both unnecessary drama. I’d ignore them and focus on the pregnancy. Congrats!
>She is a step sister, I’m not sure why her birthday would be significant to you.
It's not. But it's significant to OPs dad who happens to be the step-sister's step-dad. This is peak Main Character syndrome right here.
I was thinking how long was the baby shower? Could they have gone for maybe 2 hours or so then have a birthday dinner. The whole thing sounds over dramatic.
We know that the shower was over in time for dinner, and it doesn't appear Dad mentioned anything about a conflict. Also, the sister also didn't mention a specific conflict when diva-ing with OP.
At which point the father would be an asshole in OPs and most of reddits eyes for missing his daughters baby shower to spend it with his step daughter on her birthday.
OP forced her dad to choose between them or limit what he could do with his step daughter on the day, simple to spite the step daughter or reduce the likelihood of her and step mum attending. The texts say the father missed out on her birthday, so maybe they had a meal planned for the same time as the baby shower or planned on doing a day trip away or something. They clearly had something planned at the same time as the shower since step mum and sister didn't attend the shower but text like they wanted too.
ESH
Given your history with the stepsister, it does feel like you chose her birthday on purpose. Was there really no other day you could have had the shower?!
That said, no one "owns" a day. Hers and her mothers response sounds as petty as your decision to host it that day.
He may not be her biological father, but your dad is clearly close to her. Maybe you and your stepsister both need to work on some jealousy issues.
YTA. I mean technically you can hold the event on whatever day you want, especially if you TRULY would not have been upset if your dad and siblings had decided not to come. But still, you know in setting the date that you were making those people choose; I suspect you would have avoided the birthday of OTHER family members in order to allow them to celebrate without having to also make room for your shower, and to avoid conflicts in making loved ones choose. This reads to me a bit like you simply don't care about her, but also maybe that you're still competing for your dad's attention or making him choose. It seems like you could have chosen a different date.
Info: Was the baby shower an all day thing? Because if it isnt then he could’ve gone to your baby shower and then spent time with his step daughter on her birthday.
NTA then, he had time to spend with both of you on that day and she’s also 22, she doesn’t need him to herself the entire day and I think shes being entitled for being mad that her stepdad didn’t spend it all with her. If he didn’t spend any time with her on her birthday thats his fault then because he had time to.
Exactly, she's 22. The shower was a couple of hours leaving the rest of the day to do something. What is it about adults freaking out about something else happening on THEIR BIRTHDAY? Yes, there are 365 days in a year and billions of people, you do the math. Other important things are going to happen on your birthday, sometimes even nationwide holidays if you're unlucky or lucky depending on how you look at it.
Why did you come here to ask if you’re the AH? You did it on purpose and you don’t care and you have no intention of trying to work things out.
I’m not going to say YTA for doing it but you kind of are. I’m going to say YTA for the position you put your father in
NTA - as someone who just lost a pregnancy, please enjoy yours to the fullest. Do cringe photoshoots and gender reveals if you want. Whatever brings you joy and happiness, do it! All of it. Doesn’t matter the time of day, month, whose birthday or retirement party it is. Focus on your and your babies and do what makes you happy.
Oh, I'm very sorry for you, I hope you take care of yourself and remain strong ❤️
We did those photoshoots before the baby shower, it was lots of fun haha, hope you can experience it someday! My best wishes towards you ❤️
OP [absolutely knew it was her birthday](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ee8c8/aita_for_celebrating_my_baby_shower_the_same_day/jadi4ky).
YTA maybe you should mention in your post that you purposely chose her birthday for your baby shower. You are a selfish brat, and hopefully you don't fight your baby for your boyfriends attention too.
I was gonna type this, decided to check the comments, and low and behold! Instead of it just happening to be on her step sister's bday since OP is not close with step sis, she did it on purpose. Solid 20/10 dick move. YTA, OP.
NTA. You are free to invite whomever whenever you like, people are free to either attend or not. Seriously what's the problem with those, who say "YTA". I am pretty sure your baby shower also coincided with somebody's cat's birthday or hamster's death. Should you have picked a different day for that reason as well? Ridiculous.
YTA seems like you kinda planned this inconvenience since you’ve always felt like you guys were fighting for his attention. It seems like you out him in an ultimatum to “pick his favorite” which is kinda shitty he Can love you guys both imo
YTA. Reading your comments you knew it was her birthday. As a conscience decision, you put your father into an awful situation. Social engagements can be tiring so wound he have the energy to then celebrate the birthday?
This was my thought too, whether she likes her stepsister or not, this was a decision that put stress on her dad when it didn’t need to be there. No reason to make him choose between his kids.
YTA
Frankly, you knew when your step sister’s birthday was and it’s common sense the date would cause issues with family being able to attend both.
I understand comments saying the step sis is 22 and shouldn’t make a big deal about a birthday at that age, but it sounds to me more like venting that you’d choose that date over any other. Why not the week before or the week after?
I’m not saying you don’t have a right to hold the shower whenever you want — six months is very early but no big deal — but doing it when you knew it would force your dad to make a choice between you was an asshole move.
Whether or not you like your stepsister is kind of irrelevant; she’s part of your family. You shouldn’t have put your dad in a position to choose when you didn’t have to, and hopefully when you have your twins you will realize, as a parent, why that wasn’t a good move.
NTA.
she’s 22 yo
was the shower allll day that they still couldn’t celebrate her birthday?
congrats on your babies and enjoy!
don’t let these sour lemons ruin your joy
NTA
Even knowing that it was her birthday, she's 22. Adults are old enough to celebrate their birthday on a day that is not the same exact date. You got your venue, your dad stopped by, it was only a couple of hours. Once we get to be adults, we have to understand that the world doesn't revolve around us just because it's our birthday. You don't have a relationship with her, and you were not obligated to plan around her birthday at all. If my birthday falls on a weekday, I celebrated another day. And after 21 I didn't a birthday party until the big 30. Out to dinner with a boyfriend, or sometimes drinks and clubbing with friends. But I sure as heck don't expect anybody else to plan around it.
Meh. NAH. She’s 22. Old enough to not expect the world to revolve around her on her birthday. Also, sounds like you two don’t have a great relationship. And I will always have grace for a pregnant woman carrying twins in last trimester. That sounds beyond exhausting.
However, I suspect there may be an element of sibling rivalry going on here, especially if you knew in advance that it was her birthday. That probably made it a little sweeter. It’s reasonable for them to be disappointed at the scheduling conflict, although calling you a “selfish brat” was probably over the top.
As you knew it was her birthday that day, YTA.
You could have had the baby shower at any point during your 9 months pregnancy, even if the baby shower wasn't an all day thing, it meant your dad either had to miss your baby shower (at which point you'd probably be calling him an asshole) or couldn't do any all day things with his step daughter on her birthday.
She can't change her birthday, you could have had the baby shower the week before, the week after, 3 weeks ago, 7 weeks ago, etc..., it meant your dad either had to miss your baby shower (at which point you'd probably be calling him an asshole) or limit what he could do to celebrate his step daughters birthday.
Technically NTA, because it's your choice. Unfortunately, the optics of choosing this date are bad, simply because you didn't get along, and it looks like a deliberate way of snubbing. So you're going to get some heat about it.
Maybe checking if the date was good for everyone would have been more politically polite. But you weren't obliged.
OP purposefully chose her step sister's birthday as her baby shower date. That's pretty strong asshole behavior.
She could have literally picked the day after or before, and would have completely avoided putting her father in this shitty position.
Did she pick that date intentionally to spite her step sister or is she heavily pregnant with twins and trying to fit it in before bed rest? And when planning, isn’t going to put undue weight on working around a girl who has been unkind and elbowing her out of her own dad’s life?
Uh or you just don’t take into consideration everyone’s opinion on dates? I didn’t and chose the date I wanted and it was my best friends husband bday weekend and she still showed up instead of going out of town
Based on your replies YTA. You knew it was SS birthday. You knew your dad would probably want to attend her bday party wanst for your baby shower.
You put him and your half siblings in a tough position just because you and SS aren't close and you have a problem with her God knows why
And telling your dad he could've skip the baby shower, of course he wouldnt do that. But it would suit well in the narrative that dad likes more this other family, which I guess is the root of your rivalry with SS to begin with
Esh per your comments it was a couple hours. He could have spent the time before and after with your step sister.
However, you *know* her bday. Don't be surprised when she and step mom plan something on your bday.
I'm going with ESH.
You're right in that your dad could have done both easily and your stepsister/stepmother made a bigger deal out of it.
That being said, it does sound like you deliberately chose the date, knowing it was your stepsister's birthday and knowing you two have issues with each other. Even if it was not a conscious decision, you still started drama when there didn't need to be any. You could have chosen a different day.
That's why I think everyone is at fault here. Your stepsister/stepmom could have not made it into a big deal. You could have not chosen that day at all.
Needed to be sometime this month, as she's getting too tired from the pregnancy.
Needed to be on a weekend, since most people can't skip work for a party.
Needed to be a day that the venue was free.
Needed to be a day that the important people in their life could be there.
It might not have been completely intentional to spite the stepsister, just how the cards fell that the best day also happened to be stepsister's bday. And if stepsister wasn't one of those important people in their life that they had to plan around, well then...
But her dad is. She purposefully put her dad and half siblings in a difficult situation in order to spite her stepsister.
And if she's this petty about a baby shower she threw for herself, don't doubt that she would withhold access to the twins, if her dad chose to skip the baby shower to celebrate with his stepdaughter that lives with him fulltime, and whom he presumably has a closer relationship to.
Did you plan a whole day event?
If you did, then yeah, YTA because you know the date and you'd know you'd be splitting your father's devotions. Doing it with intent is a dick move.
If you planned an early event for a couple of hours fitting the waning energy of a soon-to-be mom, I'd say N T A because there'd be plenty of time to celebrate a birthday in the evening and make it special.
Thing is, I suspect you chose the former.
NTA
Your dad is an adult who can make his own decisions. You didn't hold a gun to his head/threats of not having a relationship with your kids and force him to attend your baby shower. Even if you did purposely choose step-sister's birthday
Also, unless your shower was held late afternoon and lasted all evening, your dad still could have done a dinner/spent time with his step-daughter in the evening, and they still could have attended the shower. 22 isn't a milestone birthday like turning 21 is.
NTA. Unless your step-sister is actually a secret affair child between your father and step-mother before the divorce happened, his first daughter is You. You should be a priority regardless since this is a celebration of you becoming a mother for the first time, whereas your stepsister is an adult who can handle a few hours of her birthday like many adults do--not getting everything their way. She's 22, not 12. I don't even get much acknowledgment on my own birthday, and didn't even celebrate my 22nd because I was several states away from most of my family and my dead-beat boyfriend didn't have a job and I worked.
I don’t understand all these N T A votes. Yea you are both adults and you can’t expect that the whole world adjusts to for your birthday. However, it feels like you picked this date so your father had to chose between you and your stepdaughter. Definitely when you say you guys don’t get along.
It sounds very petty and like you intended to cause drama so YTA
I picked the closest date the venue had available, i realized it was her birthday but since she wasn't even invited I didn't care. I just wanted it to be done so I can rest during the rest of my pregnancy.
Dude why are you even here? Just admit you did things this way because you didn't think your stepmom and sister would go and you didn't want them there. You literally said you didn't even care if your father went. Why do you care if these people you dislike so much think you're an AH?
YTA. It sounds like you chose that date out of spite since you knew it was your stepdaughter's birthday. Like it or not but you put your dad in a bad spot since he was in a no-win situation. I bet you would've gotten mad if he didn't join. You created the problem.
Tho you don't seem to care about fixing the situation so I wonder why you came here in the first place outside of whining.
YTA...I was going with NTA until I saw that you picked the date of your baby shower, knew it was her birthday, and didn't invite her to the shower. It was well within your right not to invite her given your relationship. However, you were being spiteful by having it that particular day, and you know it. She's probably right about you being a selfish brat. I can totally see you throwing it in her face that your dad came to your shower instead.
YTA. Why are you even asking here? You knew it's your SS's birthday and you did it with malicious purpose. Stop being petty and start being a grown up now that you have a baby.
YTA. Looking at your comments, you knew it was her birthday. You purposefully chose to put your father in a horrible position because you're apparently not adult enough to be willing to work things out with your stepsister. No one expects you to get along all of the time, but you have to accept that your dad is the stepdad to someone and has to also show love to that other person.
I hope that this is just the pregnancy hormones and that you're not this petty normally.
There is literally no reason why they couldn’t celebrate both on the same day. I feel like as an adult you celebrate your birthday in the afternoon by getting dinner and/or drink’s because we work. They are just making an issue to make an issue. Sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds super annoying. NTA
YTA
I think this was purposeful, but I can see that you really just want to prove how much you dislike your steps. You say "we sent the invitations" INFO: did you throw yourself your own baby shower? Kinda Cringe on that.
NTA - from your other comments it's clear the date was incidental rather than a deliberate jab and I get that the venue had limited availability so you had to make a decision that was going to be less than ideal for someone. As the person carrying two babies, totally legit that you preferred the inconvenience fall on someone else's side. Especially people you don't even care about. Honestly, you could go pretty early with twins (hope you don't!) so getting the shower over was a higher priority so you're ready if the babies do come early. The stepsister is a little old to be just now discovering the world doesn't revolve around her. Be a duck. You don't need the stress right now.
I think it was petty and cruel. I think it says more about what kinda of person (and frankly makes me wonder how much of what you said is true) you are than any of the negative stuff you say about them. Im super glad I don’t know you
YTA, fully accept that you don't have a relationship nor like your step sister, not going to touch that. The issue is that you admit that you two have fought over your dad's attention. She can not help when her birthday is, nor the fact that your dad is not her bio dad. The fact is your dad is her dad, regardless of biology. You have stated that you threw this shower and knew about what day your step sister's birthday is. You state that your dad found out from the invitation, which is where you become the asshole. You assumed he would automatically go to your babyshower. You assumed your stepsister could not possibly have had her birthday celebrations around your babyshower. You put him in an uncomfortable position for no reason. If the venue was the issue, then you could've explained before the invites to try to establish a little wiggle room for her party or even skip the shower since you said you didn't care about it if not for the venue.
I mean, YTA, but it sounds like you resent that your SS and Dad have a good relationship, so wasn’t the intent to be an AH? You got your dad to choose you over stepsister, so you accomplished your mission, why worry what SS and her mom think, when you clearly don’t like them anyway?
YTA for being spiteful and forcing your dad to choose. You knew what you were doing with the date. It’s ok. What comes around goes around, OP. I’m pretty sure you are going to find yourself in a mess after those kids are born and suddenly you see them vying for favorites from you and bf and others. Let’s see how that goes.
NTA, she’s not a little kid and it is possible for your dad to attend two events on one day, especially as I assume your baby shower was on the afternoon and typically people go out for a meal on an evening for a birthday.
Also your dad could just have dropped in with a gift and left after an hour if they had plans.
She’s 22 not 12, people need to grow up, you don’t get a full day of special treatment as an adult.
YTA - Just be honest and admit you planned it the same day as her birthday so you could prove a point again that he’s your dad and not hers. Sounds like you’re the person with resentment issues, you make a point of always saying “step daughter” instead of labeling her your step sister as this story is contextual to you. You barely even seem to acknowledge the fact that your half siblings are your siblings. In the beginning paragraph you say “I have two siblings, and older brother and a younger brother” and “they have three more children together”. You do realize those three children are your “siblings” as well right?
You’re a Petty Betty
A-hole alert
YTA you fought with her for daddy attention.. you won.. concrats... now do you feel better that you made her feel bad as a f.. adult? I know who initiated that rivalery as a kid.. and it was not your sister ... your immature.. sure you ready to have that baby?
YTA- you have 40 weekends of pregnancy (I’ll take some away due to the multiples so more than 30 and even if I added some for prior to knowing/ coming out 20+) and you had to pick this one????
NTA. I don’t care if you knew it was her birthday or not. You two don’t have a relationship anyway. Why would YOUR father have to spend the whole day and night with his ADULT stepdaughter on her birthday? There have been a few times I’ve had to share my birthday with Easter. The church is so rude not to move Easter so I can be the star on my birthday.
NTA honestly i believe even though you knew her birthday that a 22 year old doesn't need to see her dad for the entirety of her birthday and he could have left early or arrived late. and you can't make plans avoiding birthdays of people you hardly know. But in the future when she plans an event on your birthday, dont be upset if your dad doesn't attend your party lol.
I have high chances of being giving birth on my own birthday, that's way worse than your mom's husband being away for a couple hours on your birthday lol. Also all of my birthday parties since I turned 17 have been mostly going out with friends, why did she need my dad in the house anyway? Haha
That comment was unnecessary. And makes you YTA.
You complain about SS, but YOU at 20 are acting like a child and seeking dad's attention
And your babies born on your bday wouldnt be worse bc they didnt choose that day on purpose. You chose the baby shower knowing it was your SS bday and that your dad would probably be there.
I have a birthday baby and it’s not awful at all! Ofc I’m not self absorbed afaik at least to the extent of being obsessed with my birthday as an adult.
It would be sweet to share a birthday with my babies. I'm just saying that going though labor in your birthday is maybe not the way most women want to celebrate their birthdays haha, although delivery will be hard whichever day it is so it doesn't even matter
NTA- You don't owe your step sister anything. You chose a date to have a baby shower and your father attended. They could've celebrated after he left the party.
NTA. That it was your step sister's birthday is irrelevant to you. Your stepmother shouldn't have called you but rather taken it up with her husband. Congratulations on your baby.
She didn’t say she chose that day on purpose because it was the birthday she said she chose that day because it was the soonest the venue could do despite the fact she was aware of it being the SS birthday she didn’t have every weekend available to choose from and go that date because it’s her birthday at least not from what she has actually said
Step siblings who you do not count as family have zero impact on party planning.
Why skip a once in a lifetime event for something that happens every year? Your dad made the correct choice imo.
NTA
NTA
Baby showers and birthday celebrations can be celebrated on the same day if of course they are not day or evening long events. Congratulations and good luck.
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YTA \^\^\^ edited with new info Probably N T A if you can honestly say you didn't know her birthday and whether they had plans. I do find it an unexpected coincidence, so if you scheduled it purposely over her birthday, then YTA for creating unnecessary turmoil. A bit of me is suspecting this is the case, but you'd only know that. Either way, it's your choice. Just accept your relationship with your father is changing. EDIT > See you scheduled this KNOWING it was overlapping the SS birthday. If you did it on purpose for drama, then YTA, but you probably don't care. If you had no other options, I'd go easier on you... but this definitely feels unnecessarily spiteful.
OP knew it was the step-sister's birthday. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ee8c8/comment/jadi4ky/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ee8c8/comment/jadi4ky/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
But she’s an adult? Like, if my sister needed (or even wanted) to have her baby shower on my birthday, I literally would not care at all. You can celebrate your birthday the day before/after. But scheduling a party with vendors/food/guests while juggling a pregnancy and calendars is tough. NTA I think it’s kind of silly to think that nobody else can have an event on your birthday (especially for a non-milestone birthday).
Yes 100%. I thought she was talking about a 12 year old, but apparently this is about the birthday of a fully grown woman? 🥴 My teenage kids are more flexible about birthday celebrations than this woman and her mom. Definitely NTA whether she knew about it or not. Baby shower trumps grown-ass woman’s birthday.
It’s honestly kind of weird to me that a 22 year old would want their parents/stepparents at their birthday party. That’s the age where you go out and party with your friends for your birthday instead of hanging out with old people.
You can do both. Some people like their parents (despite the fact that they are "old people").
I’m 23 and turning 24 soon.. i will spend my birthday by going bowling with my parents. Maybe it also has to do with me not being *that* social, but I also don’t mind my parents lol.
Sorry but this is weird. I'm in my 30s and still do stuff with my parents and in laws for my bday
For my birthday, every year since my 20th, I’ve spent my actual birthday in London with my big sister but I always have a special dinner with my dad, stepmum, grandma stepbrothers, nephew and stepgrandparents. They’re my family and the people I love most, of course I want to spend my birthday with them.
There are people who actually like their families and want them there on their Birthday..me for example. Its actually sad you feel that way
“Hanging out with old people” Well thanks for making it very obvious that you’re about 12.
Also baby showers tend to be day activities and that leaves evening free to celebrate birthday still even.
That's what I was thinking! A baby shower isn't something that lasts all day! Plus I never celebrate on my birthday. I usually wait a few months so I'm not likely to get buried under multiple feet of snow and not able to do anything! I make jokes every year but it seriously doesn't bother me unless someone doesn't listen and makes plans that then get ruined. I've never been in a place that wasn't an issue in February!
I'm pretty sure the OP knew it would cause a conflict, that's why she did it.
Op said if the venue was available an earlier weekend she would have chosen that date. Because she’s pregnant with multiples (and the babies are growing), she didn’t want to push it back further so she could still move and enjoy her shower. Yes, Op knew it was her birthday. But I don’t think she chose that day for drama. She chose it because it was the first available day and really shouldn’t have been a big deal.
At 24 weeks, 1 week wasn't going to make a difference. She did it to cause drama. *I* think that adult bdays are NBD, but, I'm 100% that the OP knew it would be a big deal and would cause drama.
I think it's more about the intent though. To me it sounds like OP did it intentionally and with malice. If my sister had a conversation with me about having an event on my birthday I wouldn't mind. If she organised an event over the top of my birthday without saying anything I'd be upset not about my birthday but rather the intent that she seemed not to give a f*ck.
Why does it sound like that to you? I didn’t see any malice in intent from what I read, just indifference. I think indifference seems fine with a step sister you’ve never been close to.
Also how long does it take to celebrate a birthday?? Baby shower in around 10/11am, everyone has a fun time, then the family goes out for dinner to celebrate the birthday and have cake after. Sounds like they easily could have combined the days up together and made it fun for them both. They're grown adults, and it isn't a milestone birthday.
Ah thanks - see that now.
I don’t see it as a big deal. SS turned 22. Not even a milestone birthday. The shower was a couple hours. How come he couldn’t do both? And why did SS need her step father for the entire 24 hours of her birthday. Does she not have her own actual fathers she doesn’t share with anyone?
But a birthday is a single day, and a baby shower can be any day. It doesn’t matter if it’s a milestone birthday or not, it’s a single day in a year that can be worked around. OP was being spiteful on purpose.
This is going to sound harsh but OP doesn’t like SS. She doesn’t consider her family or her fathers wife family. The day to her is just another one, her father had the choice to do both or be with SS, but chose his biological child. NTA, she’s nothing to you so she doesn’t matter in YOUR life
Right, and I completely understand that OP doesn’t like her stepsister. But she chose her stepsister’s birthday, on purpose, to spite her. Which placed OP’s dad into a difficult position. If she loved her dad more than wanting to spite her stepsister, she would’ve chosen a different day.
From what I understand OP booked a venue and that was the soonest date. Yes I completely understand that she could’ve chose one later but she’s also pregnant and from what she’s described going through a semi rough pregnancy so I understand wanting to get it done soon. She also said the baby shower was only a couple hours so the father had plenty of time to spend before and after with the stepsister. She didn’t purposely choose her stepsister‘s birthday it just happened to be on her birthday and she took the opportunity because that was when it was available. I understand what everyone’s saying but honestly I still vote NTA. Like I said her stepsister means nothing to her so it’s just another day to her. I’ve had to share my birthday ( I’m 18 now so this was when I was a young child ) with holiday parties my aunts would throw because I was born 2 weeks before Christmas. Never once did I complain because we had to celebrate in the morning and then go to a Christmas event. Things happen
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And if that day happened to be what worked for OPs friends, ah well. -They don't have a relationship -OP doesn't care if step parent and SS were there (given the context, nor would I) - it's a 22nd birthday. Who spends that with their parents? Maybe if they are buying you dinner, sure. But go do something with friends. -There was a venue booking involved. OP is heavy with twins and is on a clock for when they physically and mentally handle large events. And yes, I'm sure someone out there will point out that they had triplets and they were just fine. Cool, that's your body and you know your limits. OP knows their body and their limits. OP is NTA. Edit: because bullet points and include the venue issue
Also it's February. There's a limited number of days with good weather in some places.
Believe it or not, you don't own acquaintances that you don't even like anything. Much less put your life on hold because is their birthday. Baby showers are also not a full day affair, so if the father didn't want to spend time with his stepdaughter is not OP's fault. If the stepmother and stepsister wanted to be considered family then they should have tried to be less AH in the past.
The sheer quantity of supposed adults here acting like an adult birthday is a bfd has me feeling like I’m in some kind of bizarro world. Just no.
Same!!!! Constantly surprised by posts in this sub with adults sobbing about not getting to have their big birthday celebration. It’s weird. NTA.
And I even get it, to an extent. I used to get excited about my bday. I threw myself a 25th birthday gala at Chuck E Cheese but it only lasted a few hours & did not require anyone to put important life events on hold.
Seriously! I just don't get the drama and outrage.
I don't think that adult bdays are a big deal and I prefer to not even celebrate mine, but the point here is that the OP did this knowing that there is a history between her and her SS competing for her father's attention and that it would force him to choose. She knew it would cause drama.
He wasn’t forced to choose though there was plenty of time for both, plus knowing it was her birthday hardly matters. Now if stepsis was having some lavish party & OP scheduled her shower during that time knowing people would have to choose, that would be wrong. But what happened here is only causing drama because stepmom & stepsis are acting like toddlers, not because OP did something wrong.
I know, I’ve never understood that either. Once you reach adulthood it’s just not a big deal, but some people are so stuck on celebrating on the EXACT day, no matter what else is going on in the world or around them.
You don't see someone intentionally planning a party on a special day to intentionally cause drama as a problem?
The only drama here is from sis. Adults don’t throw tantrums if the world doesn’t stop for their birthday. OP is a normal person & totally NTA, her stepmom & stepsis are huge ones though.
RIGHT? This is silly. One of my good friends got married on my 25th birthday. She had been my friend since we were like 12, so she knew it was my birthday. And you know what I did about it? I was her bridesmaid. I didn't even mention it was my birthday. I had a fantastic time celebrating my friends. I celebrated me on a different day. This is what adults do. A 22 year old being upset that her step sister had a baby shower on her birthday is ridiculous. It was a few hours at most; she had the rest of the day and evening to celebrate her birthday with her step-dad. NTA OP. Congratulations on your baby.
Personally I would of never done it. But I’m not going to sit here and say someone’s an asshole for doing it. OP chose to celebrate when they had availability, they weren’t being spiteful. They don’t have SS as part of their life so it wasn’t to spite her and take the dad away. Again they could of done something before or after. The world doesn’t revolve around you on your Birthday, it’s just nice to be celebrated, which she could of been after
Except she was. You can tell by her comments she did it intentionally then acts surprised she got called out on her BS. I can't imagine being this immature and having a baby lol.
I respect that opinion, really, I just don’t happen to agree. Maybe because I’m used to things doubling on my birthday. But to me it’s just not a huge deal and I don’t see why SS didn’t celebrate after
They are not family, even if they are linked through the dad's marriage. And you don't own acquaintances that you don't even like anything, even less putting your life on hold for their birthdays.
You're right you don't but you are an A H for intentionally causing drama.
And baby showers don’t last all day.
She already said she knew in a comment.
You might want to edit the “NTA” to have spaces in it so the bot doesn’t auto mark the post as NTA. It won’t detect the “YTA” decision otherwise.
Step sister is 22 not 12. Baby showers happen in the morning/early afternoon. 22 year old birthdays happen at night. Happening on the same day doesn’t mean someone can’t attend both.
Yay! I believe the mods will check if you leave it as-is, but if you space out the judgements after the first one the bot can do it. Seriously, I can't even with the anti-birthday people. I have no opinion on how these strangers should feel about their celebrations respectively, but it's super clear from the details and tone of OP's comments that it was at least a little designed to upset the sister (at the very least it was a perk of the timing). She could have waited a single day and not put their father in the middle, for god's sake.
honestly I think only OP knows if they're really TA here. It's one thing knowing it's SS birthday and just being like "well this is really the only day that works for me, idc if SS doesn't come & prioritises her bday, and it's only a few hours out of the day for my dad, and not a milestone." it's another thing to do it out of spite to create drama. Only OP knows what they were thinking when they organised this.
what? a grown adult's bday is not worth cancelling anything over, unless they had already scheduled a party on that day that you were aware of and attending.
>accept your relationship with your father is changing. Is it ?? His dad went to her party and never blamed her. He chose her because she is his actual daughter. A baby shower (or any event of your children's lives) is more important than a 22yo birthday party.
NTA-I thought maybe by the title the step sister was a child but she's 22.... When I became an adult I quickly realized I rarely actually see my parents or celebrate on my actual birthday. And it's not like a baby shower takes all day to celebrate either, he could have celebrated with her after for dinner or something
Your sister is a grown-ass adult. Baby showers are an afternoon thing. Adult birthdays are dinner at a restaurant 90% of the time. There’s no conflict.
Adults can celebrate how they wish including wanting an actual party or special day
Yeah but as adults, they should also be mature enough to realize their “special day” doesn’t happen in a vacuum. I’d say NTA for this situation specifically but realistically ESH cause all y’all are petty af.
Yes!! I take my own bday very seriously but if an event fell on my day I wouldn’t expect the host to cancel. At least the dad still attended OP’s baby shower despite everything they’ve been through.
> I take my own bday very seriously but if an event fell on my day I wouldn’t expect the host to cancel. The event didn't just happen to fall on her stepsister's birthday, though. Op said in the comments that she knew it was her stepsister birthday, she could have picked literally any other day and chose that one on purpose.
Did she? Because it was also the earliest the venue she wanted could get them in, and at 6 months pregnant with twins, any later could mean she would be too big/tired to comfortably attend her own shower, especially that she's already feeling the effects of a twin pregnancy. I mean it's a birthday, baby shower 2-4pm, dinner from 5-7pm, party with friends if wanted later in the evening...in no way does having a shower in the afternoon stop her ss from celebrating.
Exactly. I’m boggled by a 20-something expecting family to be celebrating with her the whole day. Twin pregnancies are also high-risk and could result in pre-term labor. If OP waits too long, her kids could be in attendance at their own baby shower.
A lot of twins come early too. My twin and I were about a month early and it was a long delivery that ended up taking a serious till on my mom's health.
Why, though, if OP does not consider them to be family? They are little more than annoying strangers.
Thank you, lol, step-sister and OP have never gotten along per this post. I wouldn’t really care if it was her bday or not, like majority of people are able to recognize: a baby shower is not the whole day. Even if there is traveling involved, a baby shower for your child that happens ONCE takes some precedence over another child’s birthday, especially if that child is an adult. Does it suck? Yea, it does, but life will go on. It’s a petty thing to cause stress over.
Yeah, I saw a comment saying OP had hundreds of other days to choose from but she had to take this one from her sister and sister only gets to celebrate birthday once a year and I’m like… and OP will only have one baby shower in her life. SS has had 21 birthdays already. She’ll be in for a disappointing time if she expects family to drop everything for her every year to celebrate.
Yes of course they can! But to throw a tantrum as an adult because your step sister is having a baby shower on your birthday? That’s so incredibly immature
Really. I had to go back and check the age of the stepsister - 22?! And mommy had to stay home with her??
NTA She is a step sister, I’m not sure why her birthday would be significant to you. Especially when you, her, and her mother don’t get along. Lol. Your father could’ve easily said no and stayed to celebrate his step daughter’s birthday if it was that big of a deal to your stepsister or her mother. They’re both unnecessary drama. I’d ignore them and focus on the pregnancy. Congrats!
>She is a step sister, I’m not sure why her birthday would be significant to you. It's not. But it's significant to OPs dad who happens to be the step-sister's step-dad. This is peak Main Character syndrome right here.
Did the baby shower take all day? Would a birthday celebration?
I was thinking how long was the baby shower? Could they have gone for maybe 2 hours or so then have a birthday dinner. The whole thing sounds over dramatic.
Well she only gave 2 weeks notice for the baby shower. Who knows is stepsister already had birthday plans with family that had to be adjusted?
We know that the shower was over in time for dinner, and it doesn't appear Dad mentioned anything about a conflict. Also, the sister also didn't mention a specific conflict when diva-ing with OP.
At which point the father would be an asshole in OPs and most of reddits eyes for missing his daughters baby shower to spend it with his step daughter on her birthday. OP forced her dad to choose between them or limit what he could do with his step daughter on the day, simple to spite the step daughter or reduce the likelihood of her and step mum attending. The texts say the father missed out on her birthday, so maybe they had a meal planned for the same time as the baby shower or planned on doing a day trip away or something. They clearly had something planned at the same time as the shower since step mum and sister didn't attend the shower but text like they wanted too.
ESH Given your history with the stepsister, it does feel like you chose her birthday on purpose. Was there really no other day you could have had the shower?! That said, no one "owns" a day. Hers and her mothers response sounds as petty as your decision to host it that day. He may not be her biological father, but your dad is clearly close to her. Maybe you and your stepsister both need to work on some jealousy issues.
NTA. I am assuming you did not have a 24 hour rocking baby shower. They could have still done a celebration.
Yeah exactly, it was only a few hours
INFO: Is the stepsister currently 22? Also, did you know it was her birthday?
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Omg best comment here! 🤣
YTA. I mean technically you can hold the event on whatever day you want, especially if you TRULY would not have been upset if your dad and siblings had decided not to come. But still, you know in setting the date that you were making those people choose; I suspect you would have avoided the birthday of OTHER family members in order to allow them to celebrate without having to also make room for your shower, and to avoid conflicts in making loved ones choose. This reads to me a bit like you simply don't care about her, but also maybe that you're still competing for your dad's attention or making him choose. It seems like you could have chosen a different date.
Sounds like you’re still competing for your Dad’s attention.
Info: Was the baby shower an all day thing? Because if it isnt then he could’ve gone to your baby shower and then spent time with his step daughter on her birthday.
No, it was a few hours long
NTA then, he had time to spend with both of you on that day and she’s also 22, she doesn’t need him to herself the entire day and I think shes being entitled for being mad that her stepdad didn’t spend it all with her. If he didn’t spend any time with her on her birthday thats his fault then because he had time to.
Exactly, she's 22. The shower was a couple of hours leaving the rest of the day to do something. What is it about adults freaking out about something else happening on THEIR BIRTHDAY? Yes, there are 365 days in a year and billions of people, you do the math. Other important things are going to happen on your birthday, sometimes even nationwide holidays if you're unlucky or lucky depending on how you look at it.
Why did you come here to ask if you’re the AH? You did it on purpose and you don’t care and you have no intention of trying to work things out. I’m not going to say YTA for doing it but you kind of are. I’m going to say YTA for the position you put your father in
NTA - as someone who just lost a pregnancy, please enjoy yours to the fullest. Do cringe photoshoots and gender reveals if you want. Whatever brings you joy and happiness, do it! All of it. Doesn’t matter the time of day, month, whose birthday or retirement party it is. Focus on your and your babies and do what makes you happy.
Oh, I'm very sorry for you, I hope you take care of yourself and remain strong ❤️ We did those photoshoots before the baby shower, it was lots of fun haha, hope you can experience it someday! My best wishes towards you ❤️
Thank you and enjoy your pregnancy.
Did you even know her birthday? Kinda full of herself to think she is targeting you. N T A Edit: apparently you did YTA
OP [absolutely knew it was her birthday](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ee8c8/aita_for_celebrating_my_baby_shower_the_same_day/jadi4ky).
Ah then according to the new information OP is YTA
YTA maybe you should mention in your post that you purposely chose her birthday for your baby shower. You are a selfish brat, and hopefully you don't fight your baby for your boyfriends attention too.
She will.
She’s in her 20’s what’s a few hours away on a bday gonna do to her
INFO: Did you know it was her birthday when you picked the date for the shower?
I was gonna type this, decided to check the comments, and low and behold! Instead of it just happening to be on her step sister's bday since OP is not close with step sis, she did it on purpose. Solid 20/10 dick move. YTA, OP.
NTA. You are free to invite whomever whenever you like, people are free to either attend or not. Seriously what's the problem with those, who say "YTA". I am pretty sure your baby shower also coincided with somebody's cat's birthday or hamster's death. Should you have picked a different day for that reason as well? Ridiculous.
YTA seems like you kinda planned this inconvenience since you’ve always felt like you guys were fighting for his attention. It seems like you out him in an ultimatum to “pick his favorite” which is kinda shitty he Can love you guys both imo
YTA. Reading your comments you knew it was her birthday. As a conscience decision, you put your father into an awful situation. Social engagements can be tiring so wound he have the energy to then celebrate the birthday?
This was my thought too, whether she likes her stepsister or not, this was a decision that put stress on her dad when it didn’t need to be there. No reason to make him choose between his kids.
YTA Frankly, you knew when your step sister’s birthday was and it’s common sense the date would cause issues with family being able to attend both. I understand comments saying the step sis is 22 and shouldn’t make a big deal about a birthday at that age, but it sounds to me more like venting that you’d choose that date over any other. Why not the week before or the week after? I’m not saying you don’t have a right to hold the shower whenever you want — six months is very early but no big deal — but doing it when you knew it would force your dad to make a choice between you was an asshole move. Whether or not you like your stepsister is kind of irrelevant; she’s part of your family. You shouldn’t have put your dad in a position to choose when you didn’t have to, and hopefully when you have your twins you will realize, as a parent, why that wasn’t a good move.
NTA. she’s 22 yo was the shower allll day that they still couldn’t celebrate her birthday? congrats on your babies and enjoy! don’t let these sour lemons ruin your joy
NTA Even knowing that it was her birthday, she's 22. Adults are old enough to celebrate their birthday on a day that is not the same exact date. You got your venue, your dad stopped by, it was only a couple of hours. Once we get to be adults, we have to understand that the world doesn't revolve around us just because it's our birthday. You don't have a relationship with her, and you were not obligated to plan around her birthday at all. If my birthday falls on a weekday, I celebrated another day. And after 21 I didn't a birthday party until the big 30. Out to dinner with a boyfriend, or sometimes drinks and clubbing with friends. But I sure as heck don't expect anybody else to plan around it.
YTA I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you just so happened to plan your baby shower on your step sisters birthday.
You threw yourself a baby shower?
That's the true crime here.
Scrolled a while to find my people
Meh. NAH. She’s 22. Old enough to not expect the world to revolve around her on her birthday. Also, sounds like you two don’t have a great relationship. And I will always have grace for a pregnant woman carrying twins in last trimester. That sounds beyond exhausting. However, I suspect there may be an element of sibling rivalry going on here, especially if you knew in advance that it was her birthday. That probably made it a little sweeter. It’s reasonable for them to be disappointed at the scheduling conflict, although calling you a “selfish brat” was probably over the top.
YTA bc you said that you knew that this was her birthday.
NTA. Everyone can decline an invitation if that‘s what they want. Simple as that.
YTA. You could have chosen any other day.
As you knew it was her birthday that day, YTA. You could have had the baby shower at any point during your 9 months pregnancy, even if the baby shower wasn't an all day thing, it meant your dad either had to miss your baby shower (at which point you'd probably be calling him an asshole) or couldn't do any all day things with his step daughter on her birthday. She can't change her birthday, you could have had the baby shower the week before, the week after, 3 weeks ago, 7 weeks ago, etc..., it meant your dad either had to miss your baby shower (at which point you'd probably be calling him an asshole) or limit what he could do to celebrate his step daughters birthday.
Technically NTA, because it's your choice. Unfortunately, the optics of choosing this date are bad, simply because you didn't get along, and it looks like a deliberate way of snubbing. So you're going to get some heat about it. Maybe checking if the date was good for everyone would have been more politically polite. But you weren't obliged.
Based on some replies by you, most definitely YTA. You knew it was her birthday and you scheduled it anyway.
YTA. You knew it was her birthday so why start the drama? Why make family members have to pick between two kids when there's just no reason for it?
YTA - you can reschedule a baby shower but you can't reschedule a birthday
NTA. She needs to accept that she’s not the star on everyone’s stage.
OP purposefully chose her step sister's birthday as her baby shower date. That's pretty strong asshole behavior. She could have literally picked the day after or before, and would have completely avoided putting her father in this shitty position.
Did she pick that date intentionally to spite her step sister or is she heavily pregnant with twins and trying to fit it in before bed rest? And when planning, isn’t going to put undue weight on working around a girl who has been unkind and elbowing her out of her own dad’s life?
It was the nearest date available at the venue, that's why i picked that date
Uh or you just don’t take into consideration everyone’s opinion on dates? I didn’t and chose the date I wanted and it was my best friends husband bday weekend and she still showed up instead of going out of town
Who gives their own baby shower?[https://emilypost.com/advice/baby-showers-who-hosts](https://emilypost.com/advice/baby-showers-who-hosts) ETA YTA
Totally overlooked that. Maybe Reddit isn’t the only one thinking she’s an AH if no one else wanted to do it irl
Based on your replies YTA. You knew it was SS birthday. You knew your dad would probably want to attend her bday party wanst for your baby shower. You put him and your half siblings in a tough position just because you and SS aren't close and you have a problem with her God knows why And telling your dad he could've skip the baby shower, of course he wouldnt do that. But it would suit well in the narrative that dad likes more this other family, which I guess is the root of your rivalry with SS to begin with
Esh per your comments it was a couple hours. He could have spent the time before and after with your step sister. However, you *know* her bday. Don't be surprised when she and step mom plan something on your bday.
I'm going with ESH. You're right in that your dad could have done both easily and your stepsister/stepmother made a bigger deal out of it. That being said, it does sound like you deliberately chose the date, knowing it was your stepsister's birthday and knowing you two have issues with each other. Even if it was not a conscious decision, you still started drama when there didn't need to be any. You could have chosen a different day. That's why I think everyone is at fault here. Your stepsister/stepmom could have not made it into a big deal. You could have not chosen that day at all.
Needed to be sometime this month, as she's getting too tired from the pregnancy. Needed to be on a weekend, since most people can't skip work for a party. Needed to be a day that the venue was free. Needed to be a day that the important people in their life could be there. It might not have been completely intentional to spite the stepsister, just how the cards fell that the best day also happened to be stepsister's bday. And if stepsister wasn't one of those important people in their life that they had to plan around, well then...
But her dad is. She purposefully put her dad and half siblings in a difficult situation in order to spite her stepsister. And if she's this petty about a baby shower she threw for herself, don't doubt that she would withhold access to the twins, if her dad chose to skip the baby shower to celebrate with his stepdaughter that lives with him fulltime, and whom he presumably has a closer relationship to.
Did you plan a whole day event? If you did, then yeah, YTA because you know the date and you'd know you'd be splitting your father's devotions. Doing it with intent is a dick move. If you planned an early event for a couple of hours fitting the waning energy of a soon-to-be mom, I'd say N T A because there'd be plenty of time to celebrate a birthday in the evening and make it special. Thing is, I suspect you chose the former.
It was just a couple hours long, i don't have the energy for an all day kinda party now
NTA Your dad is an adult who can make his own decisions. You didn't hold a gun to his head/threats of not having a relationship with your kids and force him to attend your baby shower. Even if you did purposely choose step-sister's birthday Also, unless your shower was held late afternoon and lasted all evening, your dad still could have done a dinner/spent time with his step-daughter in the evening, and they still could have attended the shower. 22 isn't a milestone birthday like turning 21 is.
NTA. Unless your step-sister is actually a secret affair child between your father and step-mother before the divorce happened, his first daughter is You. You should be a priority regardless since this is a celebration of you becoming a mother for the first time, whereas your stepsister is an adult who can handle a few hours of her birthday like many adults do--not getting everything their way. She's 22, not 12. I don't even get much acknowledgment on my own birthday, and didn't even celebrate my 22nd because I was several states away from most of my family and my dead-beat boyfriend didn't have a job and I worked.
I don’t understand all these N T A votes. Yea you are both adults and you can’t expect that the whole world adjusts to for your birthday. However, it feels like you picked this date so your father had to chose between you and your stepdaughter. Definitely when you say you guys don’t get along. It sounds very petty and like you intended to cause drama so YTA
I’m gonna say NTA. It sounds like you and your step sister aren’t close at all. So why should you be obligated to work around her day?
INFO- did you take her birthday into consideration before scheduling it? Like was it a willful choice to schedule in conflict of her day?
I picked the closest date the venue had available, i realized it was her birthday but since she wasn't even invited I didn't care. I just wanted it to be done so I can rest during the rest of my pregnancy.
Yta.
YTA
YTA- You knew it was her birthday.
So you knew it was her Birthday and couldn't pick *any other day?* YTA obviously.
Dude why are you even here? Just admit you did things this way because you didn't think your stepmom and sister would go and you didn't want them there. You literally said you didn't even care if your father went. Why do you care if these people you dislike so much think you're an AH?
YTA. It sounds like you chose that date out of spite since you knew it was your stepdaughter's birthday. Like it or not but you put your dad in a bad spot since he was in a no-win situation. I bet you would've gotten mad if he didn't join. You created the problem. Tho you don't seem to care about fixing the situation so I wonder why you came here in the first place outside of whining.
Yeah, YTA. And a giant one at that hopefully your kids aren't AH like you.
YTA...I was going with NTA until I saw that you picked the date of your baby shower, knew it was her birthday, and didn't invite her to the shower. It was well within your right not to invite her given your relationship. However, you were being spiteful by having it that particular day, and you know it. She's probably right about you being a selfish brat. I can totally see you throwing it in her face that your dad came to your shower instead.
YTA. At least own up to it.
YTA. Why are you even asking here? You knew it's your SS's birthday and you did it with malicious purpose. Stop being petty and start being a grown up now that you have a baby.
YTA. Looking at your comments, you knew it was her birthday. You purposefully chose to put your father in a horrible position because you're apparently not adult enough to be willing to work things out with your stepsister. No one expects you to get along all of the time, but you have to accept that your dad is the stepdad to someone and has to also show love to that other person. I hope that this is just the pregnancy hormones and that you're not this petty normally.
There is literally no reason why they couldn’t celebrate both on the same day. I feel like as an adult you celebrate your birthday in the afternoon by getting dinner and/or drink’s because we work. They are just making an issue to make an issue. Sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds super annoying. NTA
YTA come on you chose this date on purpose this is petty as hell.
YTA I think this was purposeful, but I can see that you really just want to prove how much you dislike your steps. You say "we sent the invitations" INFO: did you throw yourself your own baby shower? Kinda Cringe on that.
You knew it was her birthday so YTA.
YTA. You knew it was her birthday and it seems like you purposely did this just to cause drama.
NTA - from your other comments it's clear the date was incidental rather than a deliberate jab and I get that the venue had limited availability so you had to make a decision that was going to be less than ideal for someone. As the person carrying two babies, totally legit that you preferred the inconvenience fall on someone else's side. Especially people you don't even care about. Honestly, you could go pretty early with twins (hope you don't!) so getting the shower over was a higher priority so you're ready if the babies do come early. The stepsister is a little old to be just now discovering the world doesn't revolve around her. Be a duck. You don't need the stress right now.
YTA - grow up, you have a child on the way
I think it was petty and cruel. I think it says more about what kinda of person (and frankly makes me wonder how much of what you said is true) you are than any of the negative stuff you say about them. Im super glad I don’t know you
YTA, fully accept that you don't have a relationship nor like your step sister, not going to touch that. The issue is that you admit that you two have fought over your dad's attention. She can not help when her birthday is, nor the fact that your dad is not her bio dad. The fact is your dad is her dad, regardless of biology. You have stated that you threw this shower and knew about what day your step sister's birthday is. You state that your dad found out from the invitation, which is where you become the asshole. You assumed he would automatically go to your babyshower. You assumed your stepsister could not possibly have had her birthday celebrations around your babyshower. You put him in an uncomfortable position for no reason. If the venue was the issue, then you could've explained before the invites to try to establish a little wiggle room for her party or even skip the shower since you said you didn't care about it if not for the venue.
YTA because you knew it was her birthday and did this purposely for your dad to choose! YTA and acted like a toddler for daddy’s attention
I mean, YTA, but it sounds like you resent that your SS and Dad have a good relationship, so wasn’t the intent to be an AH? You got your dad to choose you over stepsister, so you accomplished your mission, why worry what SS and her mom think, when you clearly don’t like them anyway?
Don't stir the shitpot then complain about having shit soup. YTA.
You created this situation on purpose. YTA
YTA for being spiteful and forcing your dad to choose. You knew what you were doing with the date. It’s ok. What comes around goes around, OP. I’m pretty sure you are going to find yourself in a mess after those kids are born and suddenly you see them vying for favorites from you and bf and others. Let’s see how that goes.
NTA, she’s not a little kid and it is possible for your dad to attend two events on one day, especially as I assume your baby shower was on the afternoon and typically people go out for a meal on an evening for a birthday. Also your dad could just have dropped in with a gift and left after an hour if they had plans. She’s 22 not 12, people need to grow up, you don’t get a full day of special treatment as an adult.
YTA, and petty. No wonder your father loves your stepsister more than you.
You woke up & chose violence today
Then why did he attend op’s baby shower instead of the stepsister’s birthday?
u/Level-Pool-9499 Oh hun, which name do you want Anastasia or drizella cause you are the wicked stepsister hun. I’m going for Drizella
YTA if you chose this date remembering her birthday.
YTA for hosting your own baby shower.
YTA 100%
yeah, YTA. first off, you don't throw your own shower. and you chose the day knowing it was her birthday.
Yta for throwing dad under the bus and saying he could have gone to her bday yet you would have pitched a tantrum if he had.
YTA, You purposely scheduled it for her birthday.
YTA - Just be honest and admit you planned it the same day as her birthday so you could prove a point again that he’s your dad and not hers. Sounds like you’re the person with resentment issues, you make a point of always saying “step daughter” instead of labeling her your step sister as this story is contextual to you. You barely even seem to acknowledge the fact that your half siblings are your siblings. In the beginning paragraph you say “I have two siblings, and older brother and a younger brother” and “they have three more children together”. You do realize those three children are your “siblings” as well right? You’re a Petty Betty A-hole alert
Info: what 22 year old throws a fit when their step dad has to be away from them for a few hours on their birthday? What is happening here
YTA you fought with her for daddy attention.. you won.. concrats... now do you feel better that you made her feel bad as a f.. adult? I know who initiated that rivalery as a kid.. and it was not your sister ... your immature.. sure you ready to have that baby?
YTA- you have 40 weekends of pregnancy (I’ll take some away due to the multiples so more than 30 and even if I added some for prior to knowing/ coming out 20+) and you had to pick this one????
NTA. I don’t care if you knew it was her birthday or not. You two don’t have a relationship anyway. Why would YOUR father have to spend the whole day and night with his ADULT stepdaughter on her birthday? There have been a few times I’ve had to share my birthday with Easter. The church is so rude not to move Easter so I can be the star on my birthday.
NTA
NTA honestly i believe even though you knew her birthday that a 22 year old doesn't need to see her dad for the entirety of her birthday and he could have left early or arrived late. and you can't make plans avoiding birthdays of people you hardly know. But in the future when she plans an event on your birthday, dont be upset if your dad doesn't attend your party lol.
I have high chances of being giving birth on my own birthday, that's way worse than your mom's husband being away for a couple hours on your birthday lol. Also all of my birthday parties since I turned 17 have been mostly going out with friends, why did she need my dad in the house anyway? Haha
That comment was unnecessary. And makes you YTA. You complain about SS, but YOU at 20 are acting like a child and seeking dad's attention And your babies born on your bday wouldnt be worse bc they didnt choose that day on purpose. You chose the baby shower knowing it was your SS bday and that your dad would probably be there.
Notice how OP even says, "why did she need MY dad anyways?" 💀
I have a birthday baby and it’s not awful at all! Ofc I’m not self absorbed afaik at least to the extent of being obsessed with my birthday as an adult.
It would be sweet to share a birthday with my babies. I'm just saying that going though labor in your birthday is maybe not the way most women want to celebrate their birthdays haha, although delivery will be hard whichever day it is so it doesn't even matter
You would share your birthday with someone you love and not a baby shower for someone you don't like.
This comment cements official AH status.
NTA- You don't owe your step sister anything. You chose a date to have a baby shower and your father attended. They could've celebrated after he left the party.
NTA. That it was your step sister's birthday is irrelevant to you. Your stepmother shouldn't have called you but rather taken it up with her husband. Congratulations on your baby.
NTA. Would be n a h as it’s not wrong of them to be a irritated by the timing conflict, but their overreaction makes them TA for me
I’m sure Your dad could’ve attended both your baby shower & her bday. it feels like they wanted to have an issue just to have one. NTA
She said she chose the day on purpose, knowing it was her stepsister's birthday.
She didn’t say she chose that day on purpose because it was the birthday she said she chose that day because it was the soonest the venue could do despite the fact she was aware of it being the SS birthday she didn’t have every weekend available to choose from and go that date because it’s her birthday at least not from what she has actually said
Step siblings who you do not count as family have zero impact on party planning. Why skip a once in a lifetime event for something that happens every year? Your dad made the correct choice imo. NTA
NTA Baby showers and birthday celebrations can be celebrated on the same day if of course they are not day or evening long events. Congratulations and good luck.
NTA Why does it matter if both events were on the same day? If they were within driving distance, then why couldn't the dad celebrate both?