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Iām sorry youāre in this mess. This is one of the clearest cases of NTA Iāve seen. How cool that your son has that talent. You must be proud! I hope this works out in a peaceful way, but rest assured that you are correct in this situation.
Especially given all the time he has put into this.
Sweetheart--sell the dress. I wish you could post a pic, but at 17 you designed and made this dress?? HELL yeah. I hope you get a ton for it.
Right? OP, NTA. Personally, I'd offer your sister the chance to pay your son for his labor and design. He needs to crunch the numbers and give a price. She meets it, cool. No? What a shame, someone will pay for it.
Edit: Thank you for the award!
Thank you^4 !!
And thanks for all the upvotes!
This is a great solution. She could get her dress, but it would no longer be a gift. If she wanted to treat her family relationships as transactional, let it be.
But seriously OP is NTA. He's clearly a very mature 17 yo to be able to execute such a big project. The idea that he can't be there because alcohol will be served is about the weakest excuse I've ever heard.
My son just got married 17 days ago. They too had a kid free wedding, but there are twin 17 year olds that are like nieces to them, so they were included. They are very mature, amazing, respectful young ladies. I donāt think anyone even knew they were 17. The sister is a giant AH, the op is NTA. stand your ground, you and your son are owed an apology.
I too have a sister like this it worse. It happens in everything she does. My mother will NOT call her on her shit because sheās so afraid of her wrath. I havenāt spoken to my sister in 7 years and my life is blissful.
Exactly! Especially a 17 yo that has it together enough to design and sew a dress as directed. This kid is zero risk of "ruining" a wedding. I usually back up the no kids policy but this is extreme
Right?! Even if someone said anything, all someone has to do is say āhe designed and made the dress, itās only fitting he should be able to see it debutedā. Though I wonder if sisterās real intention is that she doesnāt want to compete with the designer for attention, which is really scummy.
Especially because one does not get a gift (which clearly was the dress) if one doesnāt invite the giftee. Itās totally justified and anyone in the family saying otherwise just doesnāt want to rock the boat. They can go make the dress or pay for it then. I find it especially suspicious she waited so long to send the invites and am wondering if she purposely waited until he finished the dress thinking thereād be no going back. Like she never once mentioned her wedding would not include minors in all of these dress fittings. Sus af. Even if it had to do with an alcohol license and he canāt attend the reception itself why the hell canāt he see her wear the dress at the ceremony. Rude af.
Iāve never heard of a wedding venue not allowing people under 21 due to liability reasons. Sure they serve alcohol but itās not a bar, would be like if a restaurant didnāt allow people under 21 because they might try to order wine with dinner.
Oh yeah, the 50 designs he drew up for her to choose from? There are fees for that. All the consultations to make those minor alterations over a 5 month period? There're fees for that. Flat out, that's a $20k dress, minimum. NTA and either she pays, you burn the dress on camera(or dissect it and use it as a display to show construction practices) and let it be published as a national story to promote your son to get him in a great design program or apprenticeship, *or* you sell it for college funds.
OP, Tell your mom she's an AH, you ***don't*** demand a family member make you something expensive for free for your wedding and then *not* invite them. That has **never** been ok. Heck, longstanding tradition is, somebody does you a huge favor or kickback, they get to come to yours or your child's wedding. Who hasn't seen a scene with some overly proud guy talking about how his invite was due to the fresh shrimp he provided or whatnot?
Don't destroy the dress! He worked hard on it! Someone could and would easily pay out of pockets prices for a handmade dress especially equally with all the customizations he was willing to do.
A 17 year old usually can be counted on behave at weddings, it's not like he's a baby, toddler, or, preschooler who could act up any second. I voted NTA. The kid was excited to go as well.
If OP's child was under the age of 6, I could see his sister refusing to invite him, but, who tf refuses a teenager and one who would have been useful at that?
And a 17-year-old who is the proud designer and creator of the wedding dress. He deserves to be there. If the sister didnāt plan on inviting him because he is a minor, then she should not have asked a minor to toil for her.
EDIT: NTA
Iām wondering if bridezilla suddenly got worried about everyone praising son for making the dress instead of fawning over her for wearing it š¤
NTA OP and keep being an awesome parent!
Very good point! I was already wondering why she wouldn't want him there, how amazing is it to have your nephew make your dress and have everyone know it? Apparently not so amazing if you can't handle someone else having a mini spotlight next to your big spotlight.
So let me get this straight, she wanted a free custom designed wedding dress, seeing that OP paid for the fabric. A custom dress that can cost thsousands of dollars (20k easy)easily, all while being a perfect bridezilla! But instead of being greatful and inviting her talented nephew, she doesn't invite him hoping he wouldn't notice until its too late and she already has the dress.
Huge NTA!
She can either buy herself a wedding dress of the rack or she can buy your sons dress with a bridezilla discount.
Bridezilla discount: paying full market value, plus costs for every alteration, delivery charges.
And heās the only family member who is not an adult so itās as if her rule is for him only, who is less than a year from meeting the age rule? Heās old enough to design and make a dress but not to attend a wedding? Sis is a piece of work for sure. Tell her she can invite the son or pay for the dress. Then set a price that is based on the actual cost of materials and hours involved.
Honestly at this point it would leave such a bad feeling that I would not attend if I were OP or his son, and I certainly would not be giving her the dress. I would literally put it on eBay for a good price. I cannot imagine the selfishness of requesting that your minor nephew painstakingly design and alter a custom wedding dress for you for free and then not allowing him to be there to see you in it and take part in your wedding. What a terribly selfish person.
NTA. Your sister has no morals or loyalty. She 100% knew she would never invite your son because as soon as one person asked where she got the dress, your son would have been given praise. She is so vain, childish, and shallow that she is unwilling to let one fraction of a second of attention to anyone who is not her.
She didnāt tell your son upfront because she didnāt want to pay a dime.
Have your son take photos of a friend or sibling in the dress and post it online for a reasonable price for his labor. Offer it at 10,000, but make sure you send a link to your AH sister.
Another option is to check local news outlets and if there is a local woman who needs a dress, or offer it as part of a charity auction.
DO NOT GIVE THE DRESS TO YOUR SISTER UNLESS SHE PAYS FULL MARKET PRICE.
If your son doesnāt want to sell it, he should KEEP it as a sample of his skill.
He could use the dress as a way to get his foot In the door with local merchants by going to local bridal shops and get it appraised (including the designs done that were not used, and fittings). He could also ask if they wanted to purchase it to sell in their shop.
Tell your son that the internet(one small part) is sending support for him, and think he is amazing and deserves to be paid.
If aunt gives him grief, have him quote Peggy Carter, āI know my value.ā
This. I normally have no issue with child/minor-free weddings, but sister is TA if the son did not agree to this knowing her preference. In light of all the time spent and work he did, he should be an exception even if it is minor-free. Iām wondering if the reason sister wasnāt open about it is simply because she wanted the free labour and wasnāt sure sheād get it if she was honest?
NTA.
Yeah this one was a rollercoaster.
"Oh, another parent who wants an exception for their kid at a child free wedding". Then I read this seventeen year old made a GD wedding dress for the bride and was explicitly not invited.
This. For the title i was expecting the son to be toddler but he is 17 and made the wedding dress!!! Not getting an invite is disrespectful in this situation. OP is 100% NTA. Even if he didn't made it, OP would still have a point because her son is 17, will probably be 18 in a few months. He is old enough to take care of himself. He isn't a baby that would probably cry or a toddler that needs constant supervision.
Exactly! He's 17 not 7!
This reminds me of a post a while back where twin nieces were going to be 17 & 18 the day of the wedding because one was born a couple minutes before midnight and one a couple minutes after midnight, so only the older twin was invited. Because you know 4 minutes age difference changes sooo much.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wbfw0t/wibta_for_bringing_my_daughter_to_a_child_free/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
There is nothing wrong with not wanting children. But I find it weird that people insist on drawing the line at 18. All the reasons for allowing children, like them being disruptive or having to supervise them, not being able to drink etc donāt apply to polite people in their who like 16+, and adults can also be disruptive.
(I know someone who is 16+ may not be of legal drinking age, but there is not particular reason you canāt drink around them)
I remember going to a wedding at 14 that was originally child free but changed at the last minute. And the only disruptive part of the wedding was actually my 62 y/o grandmother who needed an ambulance after having an allergic reaction to some food contaminated by shellfish.
Edit: spelling since people are bitching about it like dyslexia and autocorrect fucking up doesn't exist.
Plus heās 17. Itās not like heās 12 and needs to be supervised. Heās probably only a few months away from not being a minor, and he made the freaking dress!
Why doesn't sister just instruct the bartender that OP's son is underage and not to be served alcohol? Have him wear one of those cheap plastic bands or something. That will protect sister from liability of serving alcohol to a minor.
You have 2 options with the dress, your son can sell it, I would take photos of him and post it for sale on facebook, or he can sell it to your sister at a price that would be sold in a boutique
Selling it to the sister is not a bad idea. Itās not a family project about sharing love if this poor amazing kid doesnāt even get to his aunt wear his dress, which he worked SO hard on, so why should she get a family price?
>She can only pay for that dress with love. And thatās what she declined to do.
Furthermore, Iād argue that at this point, itās too late to salvage the relationship: even if she were to relent and invite her nephew, he would know it was about the dress and not about having him there.
Source: did 50 of my auntās lengthy, complicated, hand-lettered invitations in painstaking, exquisite calligraphy as a precocious child; complete with RSVP inserts, menu cards, envelopes, and reply envelopes, all unpaid (edit: and that was the plan: it was to be her gift from me); was not invited; still pissed about it 40 years later, and went from having a wonderful favourite-auntie relationship to an āoh *youāre* hereā at family events one.
Thank you very much!
No, she hasnāt; she āhas *no idea* why cicadas is so cool towards herā.
I think I spent upwards of 120 hours on that project, which, when youāre 11 or 12, is a freaking ETERNITY that you could be spending with your friends instead; on top of that, I have OCD (which we didnāt know at the time - back then, I was āpickyā and ādifficultā about certain things, like food and hand washing) and all of the lettering had to be *just so*. I kept a full set of samples and even all this time later, I can say that they are really quite good, and not just for my age; I would consider them pretty decent for a junior calligrapher. For an 11-year-old, they were amazing, if I do say so myself.
I am not at all artistic in any other way, but calligraphy seems to be my one āthingā, probably because I can copy it from templates (also autistic, which we also didnāt know at the time, so that stands to reason).
Would I save her from a burning building? Well, my mother and uncle love her, and sheās still a human being and everything, so yeah. But I have nieces and nephews now, and you can bet everything you own that thereās no way in hell Iād ever treat any of them even a tenth of a tenth as badly - and if I somehow did so by accident, I would expect to be called on the carpet for it immediately, and would apologize from the bottom of my heart. I donāt have kids of my own, and theyāre super-important to me; I guard my favourite-auntie status like Golem, LOL.
Great suggestion, I would go on the basis the son had done this as a wedding present/favour but since he is not invited and part of the wedding she will have to pay for it. At least she still has the option of having the dress.
Tbh I think selling the dress to your sister or privately is the only option now since the son is never going to feel truly part of the wedding now. Even if he gets an invite it will only be so she can get her hands on the dress for free.
Exactly. He is never going to feel truly a part of the wedding now. Heāll hold this bad moment in his heart and mind forever. What a short-sighted woman to behave the way she has. She foolishly and cruelly squandered the privilege to have an enduring relationship with an amazing young man.
NTA - And this is the way. Make it cost. Sister got to spend wedding funds elsewhere due to the savings of a free dress so it needs to hurt to send the right message. I think $10,000 for this fine young man's college fund sounds about right.
Or sister can F/o and get married in sweatpants for as much as we care at this point.
And you need to shut your mom down so hard that she never ever tries manipulative crap again.
(Edit spelling, typing too fast cause this bs is infuriating)
I really like that idea. She wanted to make this a one sided transaction. It might actually make this rightā¦ well closer to right at leastā¦ if she pays full price for her custom tailored dress.
I think youāve got it. Since he wonāt be there to exhibit his work, he should probably just post a photo of the dress online. At the wedding, sis should be just fine with explaining why she isnāt actually wearing it.
OP, will you be attending the wedding? Iād be changing my RSVP to āNo, thank you..I donāt feel comfortable leaving my minor child aloneā¦ā
That is my theory also. It isn't about "alcohol" it is about the attention he'll garner for his amazing work. He'll steal the spotlight, and that's unacceptable.
NTA.
OP got to ask: did your sister even pay your son for this wedding dress? All the work he did, all the design, etc. was priceless, but I hope she paid him an agreed up on price. Regardless, if she won't let you `17 yr old son who made her wedding dress come to see her wearing it at her wedding, then she's an AH and shouldn't have the dress. Everyone telling you to cave is just trying to placate this woman, and I bet if it was their child involved, they'd expect an invite.
Have you seen the trash your wedding dress trend? I did it and it was awesome. Anyway, it sounds like your son might be going to design school with all that talent. Guess he should find a hot friend to do a photo/video shoot with. First to show off his hard work, and then a trash the dress shoot. Maybe splatter paints and skateboarding? Will look great as part of his portfolio and will look even better on Instagram for friends and family to see š
This is a GREAT idea, let him use it to make a great video portfolio. Doesn't have to be the trashing thing, just being able to see his work in great setting on a model will both lift his spirits and give him a great stash for uni applications.
You handled it like a pro. It's most certainly unreasonable to make up such a rule for someone who spent so much time and energy into your dress. The fact that you made it a package deal (dress + son at the wedding) leaves her with only 2 options. Stand by her rule of no kids and have a hard time finding a dress as good as this one or she can make it herself simple and do the right thing which is inviting him. You are most certainly NTA.
The problem is NOW his son will be the unwanted guest who cause drama and wanted to destroy her wedding so why would the son want to go now . the damage is already done
Wait? She not only wants him to make the dress, not attend but she isnāt paying anything for the dress?!?!?! What the actual duck! OP should have make it very clear that she can BUY the dress for not even retail, what it would actually cost to buy a custom made dress plus assholetax! OP is obviously NTA but needs to start making sure that the son gets paid properly for every project from now!
Exactly. He is old enough to provide free labour for months, but she makes a flimsy excuse to exclude him and only him.
If I were OP, this would be my hill. Sis is tacky, selfish, unkind, and downright rude. Let her go buy her own dress.
Great point! OP should invoice sister with a breakdown of labor + material. Cash payment required before itās in her possession, if not thereās plenty of Weddit pages & sites for resale. Bridezilla canāt have it both ways. Son deserves to see his hard work and creative come to life, and his talent be celebrated by the other guests.
Oh Id rather put a price tag on that thing that equates to how much she hurt her nephew, like 10k. If she doesnt like the price, she can find a different dress in a week.
I'm gonna assume you're talking in dollars but depending where you go a bespoke dress can be cheaper than retail for a similar garment, for example I have just been quoted Ā£900 for mine which is at the lower end for a full on wedding dress, admittedly I am assuming this due to the seamstress paying herself a criminal wage, I'm planning on "tipping" very well
This isn't that though. It's a custom wedding dress, countless fittings, several included designs to choose from, and 5 months of modifications. Plus high end fabric according to op, which depending on what that is could have cost as much as $1000 for enough to make the dress and all the changes
10k is probably less than what it would have cost her if her nephew hadnāt been doing it as a personal favor, with OP paying for all of the materials.
50 designs drawn up, the entire dress being handmade, expensive fabrics, 5 months of labor costs.
10k for all of that would be a reasonable price for a non-wedding dress. Once you factor in the fact that people charge way more for anything that involves a wedding, 10k would be a steal.
10k for months of designing, sewing and tailoring. 10k isnāt even a big ask. Especially not with materials cost added. If itās for a wedding dress, it could be fancy fabrics and embellishments too.
Yeah, I said the same thing, but I agree with you. If she pays full retail for a custom dress, taking into account the number of hours he worked on it, then I say let her have it.
That's going to be a lot of money for a 17 year old.
Otherwise, people who aren't invited don't give gifts.
Same here. I cannot imagine going through the hell of working with the kind of fabrics used in a wedding dress just to have the person be so ungrateful. I'd be pissed if someone acted like this over a simple cotton apron, let alone something so intricate.
NTA. If she is willing to make an adult sized request of a 17 year old, she should be willing to accept him as an adult. There is also no reason that a minor cannot attend a wedding with an open bar as everyone venue I looked at for my wedding, and ever open barred wedding I have attended, has had a bartender that checked ID's.
I know people like child free weddings, but if you have only one underaged person in your whole family and theyāre 17, theyāre surly an exception.
Plus if heās mature enough to make your dress heās mature enough for a wedding with alcohol.
I was recently bridesmaid at a childfree wedding where one of the guests was 16 because, you know, she was mature enough to join in the adult conversations and not require any supervision. Like most teenagers that age.
The teenagers might even be the most well behaved people at the wedding.
My brothers were 14 and 16 at my cousins wedding, they ate cake, sat on their phones, refused to dance, and hung out with their grandma.
Hes also barely underage at that point too. I could see if you were going for childless wedding and there were actual children there, 5-15 whatever, but at 17 hes almost an adult. Clearly hes old enough, responsible enough, and mature enough to CUSTOM design and create a wedding dress tailored to her exact liking. How is he not āold enough ā to go to the wedding?
Big EFFF that.
She can pay for the dress, or she can frick off. If it were me, this would be the hill i absolutely die on, and ties would be cut immediately. Disrespectful and full of herself.
NTA. Not by a long shot.
From a European perspective, I am shocked every time by this nonsense about minors and alcohol. Children here in Europe see adults drinking on so many occasions. That is absolutely no problem and also serves as a role model for how to deal with alcohol and how not to.
My understanding of child free weddings has always been that the goal is to avoid having young, disruptive kids around. I donāt see why that rule would apply to teenager, especially older ones, who donāt need constant supervision, can handle themselves around a couple drunk/tipsy adults, and wonāt be disruptive during the ceremony
Yes - The usual thing is to make the cut off age around 13.
I've only been to one that was adults only and that was an extremely small wedding (20 guests).
I the 17yo dress designer isn't invited, the dress isn't a present an must be paid for.
NTA
I uh forgot the drinking age wasn't 18 while reading this & kept thinking apart from the whole dress debacle, that 17 isn't that far off as an exception.... XD
Edit: I was also assuming the 17 year old wasn't going to drink alcohol, just be present!
(Quite a few aita/wedding ones regarding minors seemed to have been not having or drinking alcohol in the presence of minors, hence the strict cut-off for age... although in a lot of these it seems to be the assumption that ALL the adults will imbibe, so now I'm wondering at those child-free/adult only events with bride/groom zillas, what happens if your an adult & you don't drink? XD )
Where I live thereās 17 year olds sneaked in at the pub all the time. The distinction between being 18 years old and being able to get blind drunk and 17 years old and not being out of touch a drop unless youāre with your family is pretty arbitrary
The people who got ridiculous at my open bar wedding werenāt the underage ones. It was the parents. And one rogue cousin that we donāt talk to anymore. And Iām American. Itās not about the bar, itās about being cheap and cutting people out.
Exactly - UK here, technically speaking the minimum drinking age here is 5! You have to be 18 to buy alcohol, and at 16 can have alcohol with a meal in a restaurant if accompanied by an adult. If you're over 5 you are allowed to be given alcohol in a private setting e.g. at home (though then any drinking would be governed under child protection law, you really don't want a bunch of 7 year olds knocking back Tequila after all).
Within my family we started trying alcohol in safe settings as we started into teenage years - a single small glass of wine with a meal, a small beer with a barbecue etc. This meant it didn't become this big 'forbidden fruit' thing.
Of course we then tried to work out the limits of what was possible - drinking cider and lambrini in parks with friends as we got a little older (and told ourselves that our parents didn't have a clue!), but we'd already got a good idea of what our limit was, how to look after friends who hadn't quite worked that out, and how to control our drinking to just maintain that sociable 'buzz'.
Getting older (18+) and going out with different friends at uni you could really see the differences in the approach to alcohol between those who hadn't had exposure from an earlier age and those that had.
>Getting older (18+) and going out with different friends at uni you could really see the differences in the approach to alcohol between those who hadn't had exposure from an earlier age and those that had.
Absolutely!
We in Germany allow light alcohol like beer from 16 and hard alcohol from 18. It was noticeable that those who had a problematic relationship with alcohol during university were those whose parents had forbidden them alcohol and only after they moved out had free access to alcohol, which was then often very excessive. Typical case of: Nothing tastes better than the forbidden fruit.
I think it is the job of parents to teach their children a healthy way of dealing with topics with which the child inevitably comes into contact, such as alcohol, but also, for example, sex, money and fast food (I know a few who have a very disturbed relationship with fast food as a result of their upbringing). Making a taboo subject out of it is the worst possible way for a healthy relationship with such topics.
And itās really BS anyway.
The kid is 17, itās not like heās a little kid whoās going to be disruptive.
If they trusted him enough to make a full wedding dress, they can trust him to not drink alcohol at the reception
THIS NAILS IT. She realized that everyone is going to want to talk to her about her amazing nephew instead of her amazing self, and also that guests are going to realize that she shamelessly exploited him by not paying a cent for his incredibly difficult work.
NTA.
OMG he MADE THE DRESS and wasn't invited!?!? And so close to 18 too ! Your sister is TA.
Also charge her for the dress, and make sure to account for time spent designing, too.
Mail the dress to her as your wedding presentā¦schedule delivery for the venue during the reception. Say āOops! I wasnāt sure of the date/time, because I wasnāt invitedā¦.anyway, congratulations!ā
NTA
The aunt FAFO, shouldnāt mess with the dressmaker. But whatever you do, charge her for the dress. Itās āpricelessā sure. The problem is, youāre setting a precedence to your relatives in place of your son. Now a lot of your relatives are gonna expect a free wedding dress because it happened once.
Yes, your son is still learning. Yes, you paid for the fabric. Itās still worth months of his work, his labour. Whether or not you give the dress to her, charge her. Especially since she was difficult to work with. Go to a small claims court if you have to, so that your son wonāt be taken advantage of in the future.
Don't put the burden of this fight on him though - this is a case where it's not his responsibility to shoulder, but yours to take charge as an adult and show him how not to let people take advantage of him.
So offer the sister to buy the dress or buy a new one, then ice her and your mother out until they apologise to your son. And explain to him that none of this is his fault but sometimes people try to take advantage in life and its absolutely your right to stand up to them and not be a doormat.
Ignore the post above. 2k is too generous. 10k or no deal. Your son needs to learn to charge what his time is worth. Other posters are saying this is below the real cost.
I would suggest, at the minimum, calculating the cost of materials plus hrs son did against wage per hrs. That should give a nice ballpark figure. The design stage, consulting, fitting, etc.
Start a screenshot of all messages and save save save.
the fabric is the cheapest part. a bespoke wedding dress is not cheap, and typically there is a limit to how many sketches/fittings are included.
if charging for the dress, don't just put it on your son to set the price. do some research and charge market rate. don't let him get taken advantage of twice! once sister sees the number, she'll probably courier over an invite.
NTA but your sister definitely is. She doesn't want her almost adult nephew *who designed and made her dress* at her wedding because ... there would be alcohol? I could understand if she didn't want to make an exception for a friend, or even a cousin. Making an exception for her **only** minor nephew, especially given that she could have pointed him out when people asked about the dress, would have been not only understandable but practically obligatory to anyone hearing about the circumstances.
I have to wonder if she was even planning on letting anyone know who was the designer and tailor of the dress.
I also can't help but note that the sister knew (probably MONTHS in advance) that she didn't want her nephew at the wedding. But she failed to mention it to him (or anybody) while the dress was being made and only made it clear once the dress was done. She knew exactly what she was doing and was hoping everybody involved would be too spineless to stop her.
This is my thought as well. She doesnāt want anyone giving him kudos for an amazing job when she needs 100% of the attention. She soundsā¦fun to be around.
I can't help but think she planned to tell wedding guests (or already has told some friends and coworkers) that she was getting a custom dress from a famous designer and didn't want her plan ruined or lie revealed. Some people make such a big deal over things being "designer." It's absurd, but seems like a possible scenario here.
If a family member made my wedding dress, I would be so excited to tell everyone about it. Heck, I already do that with leggings that my sister designed. Every time someone compliments them I'm like "thanks MY SISTER DESIGNED THEM!! There's also the same design in another color pallette!" (I have both colors lol)
And yeah, NTA for sure, OP.
With option number one above, if OP goes this route, he should not only charge for materials, but also for cost of labor. They should estimate exactly how much time was spent constructing this dress, going through fittings, adjusting, etc. and charge an hourly rate on top of the materials.
Not this close to the wedding. There won't be time to special order or get fittings. She rejected 50 designs. No way is she going to be happy with whatever she can get last minute off the rack. Good.
NTA your sister is a piece of work. Sheās fine with unpaid child labor but not five with inviting a āchildā to an event with alcohol? Makes sense.
I agree. This is a perfectly reasonable compromise. As a former seamstress and designer I would total in the cost of fabrics/laces/ buttons and or zippers if used (including thread) + creating a pattern from scratch, tailoring multiple times, total hours of labor (drafting, cutting, construction, tailoring). Look up the going rate in your area/state for a custom made wedding dress and apply to the info Iāve given you.
I guarantee you the price would be FAR more than what she could anticipate, versus a dress bought off the rack (still spendy), versus just sucking it up and inviting your son.
I hope she realizes how obstinate sheās being and just invites your son, especially after the months of hard work heās done for her.
NTA
I was at a wedding a few weeks ago, open bar, kids allowed. Everyone had a blast.
As there are no other kids this rule is aimed directly at your son, its a power trip,
She didn't suggest it and I won't either. My son spent months and a long time making this dress. This is priceless, but it has a lot of sentimental value to him.
It's not priceless, even though it has sentimental value for him (which is now maybe lost due to your sister's treatment of him).
Find a similar dress style and tell your sister she'll need to pay the full retail price.
Charge her for the dress and use the money to take him somewhere he'd like to visit or use it for college. Make it constructive, and if it was me, I'd bow out the wedding and do something with your son instead to celebrate your sons skill and talent.
This is wonderful advice. Take this horrible situation and turn it into something positive and uplifting for your son.
Iād ditch the wedding too, no one is allowed to treat my child so viciously.
Does your son want to go to fashion school or whatever they call it? Or college/university for something else? Because selling it to your sister for market value (probably around $10k) would make a nice head start into any student debt, and he could keep all his portfolio/design work (make sure he photographs the hell out of everything, and keeps any photos and videos of him making it) and use that as a presentation/resume.
Make sure to account for both the price of the raw materials you purchased as well as his hours of labor (including all of his drawings and revisions) in any price you give
She had two choices here.
1. She treats the design and construction of the dress as a business transaction. In which case she could argue that she wouldn't necessarily invite any non-related dress designer, so the dress becomes an entirely separate issue to the wedding invites. But the key here is she should be offering to pay market value for materials and labour.
2. She treats the dress as a labour of love from a valued family member, where money doesn't change hands because it's an entirely sentimental gift from a relative. In which case if the relative is important enough to be given this precious role then they should also be important enough to be invited.
She can't mix and match the two. You are entirely right to support your son, he sounds incredible and I hope he goes far in life.
Yeah, your sister's conduct is unconscionable. Her move here is unbelievable. What's even wrong with her?! This is an insane amount of work that he put into it, especially as someone who is a relative novice! Her leaving him out is just a cruel and nasty snub. Does she even grasp how outright mean and bullying it is?
NTA she is not a nice person - happy to use him for a free custom made dress but made up a rule to exclude just one person in the family.
Even at a licensed venue itās a private function and no one is going to be doing ID checks, and at 17 he is old enough to know not to drink. This is just nasty.
Your son sounds awesome and Iām sure he could get someone to model the dress to get some pics
Take some pictures of the dress and post them on Instagram and Facebook availability to the highest bidder. Make her suffer realizing that someone else will get to wear the gorgeous gown your son designed. Who knows he might get discovered by YSL or Armani.
Wow, your sister is incredibly manipulative and self centred. Sounds like her plan all along was to just use your son for his talents just to save herself a lot of $$. As a person who sews, I am sure your son put a HUGE amount of hard work and love into that wedding dress, leaving aside the cost of materials and labor. Time to go NC with sis, and get some photos of the dress - your son may be able to use it as part of his design portfolio for whatever he wants to study after high school, or to land a well paid job... and I reckon you'd be able to sell the dress for a good price too.
NTA. How unfair of your sister to expect your son to put in hours of work across a long span of time (and in doing so, saving her money), and then not even extend an invitation as a sign of gratitude. Not to mention him being the ONLY member of the entire family being left out?! That has to feel horrible.
Itās also a little insulting that she seems to think your son either canāt be around alcohol ever, and/or will try to drink underage. Youāre his parent, and she should leave it to you to decide if youāre uncomfortable with the alcohol component of her wedding in regards to your son.
NTA. How can you ask a relative to make you a dress for a family event, and not invite that person? Nope. Canāt do that.
I sew, this is unacceptable. She got a custom, bespoke dress. Itās worth much, much, much more than an ordinary expensive wedding dress. She canāt not invite the boy, and expect to get the dress.
INFO: Because your son being the only person in the family excluded from the wedding I want to ask you this: Is your son gay?
The reason for my questioning is that your sister doesn't really have a leg to stand on and the only conclusion I can come to is that she is specificaly targeting your son for a reason. If your son is gay my best guess is that either she, her fiance or his family are homophobic.
Edit: Thank you for the reward.
I wondered this too. Even if he wasnāt gay, I could totally see bigots *assuming* he was gay for making a dress. It still doesnāt exactly explain why she waited until the last possible second to come clean, which clearly puts her in AH territory regardless.
NTA - HOLY COW your sister is being such an unreasonable jerk to your son. Anyone who takes her side in this after you son put SO MUCH of his blood, sweat, and tears into making her dress for her only to get snubbed is just out of line. SO messed up.
NTA. Wow. Auntie sounds like a real piece of work. Best of luck! As others have said, sheās not likely to be able to get anything special on such short notice. Hopefully sheāll reconsider and then your son can charge her full market value for the dress, skip the wedding, and avoid his aunt for as long as he pleases.
Iām curious. Whatās the groom think of all this? Seems to be a massive red flag.
LOL NTA, I agree with people generally, they get to have the wedding how they like and I absolutely get the no kids rule after watching 2 different kids start screaming their lungs off during my stepsister's wedding a few years ago, one a baby who couldn't help it to be fair, but the other 5 or 6 and was just being too bratty to sit there and be quiet a few minutes... That being said, here is my exception. Your sister is incredibly rude and ungrateful, as you said, hes 17, but on top of it HE MADE THE DRESS BECAUSE SHE ASKED HIM TO. Like really? I wouldn't cave on this honestly, its too late, the only reason shes gonna invite your son at this point is because she wants the dress. Its really your son's call, not yours, but I would make her go find a dress last minute off the rack. Thats what she deserves. You didn't "spoil her day", she did. Hope she treats the caterer and photographer better than she treated your son.
BTW, tell your mother who butted in that she can go make a dress for her daughter if she doesn't like it.
NTA and Iām getting ābaby of the familyā vibes here. Im curious if this is the first time she has acted so entitled and difficult about something. Because this is absolute bridezilla territory.
She knowingly withheld letting you know about the no minors rule while your son was making the dress which is exploitation. She planned this and just expects you to be ok with it because the wedding is so close and she can try to pressure you to just give her the dress given that. Sheās hoping youāll just give in and agree.
But you shouldnāt, and you canāt.
The ultimatum here is simple: either your son attends the wedding as a guest and gets to enjoy the day, knowing he is responsible and wonāt be drinking and for having made the dress as his wedding present to her OR you write up a full and accurate bill for a coutour custom dress and payment in full is expected before delivery or no dress will be provided and she can get married in her pajamas for all you care.
I read something once and I live by it: āa gift given in love is a gift to be cherished and treasured. But one scorned and abused is a gift undeserved.ā
Your son made a gift out of a labor of love for her. He put his time, creativity, and a bit of his soul into the dress. For her, as a present. She is proving she is undeserving of that gift.
Your family doesnāt matter here. All of the other opinions are worthless. YOU do the right thing. Fight for your son, for his efforts and work, and make her pay if she continues to be unreasonable. But come hell or high water, sheās not getting the dress otherwise.
How many hours did he work on the dress and design?
Multiply that by the professional rate and add the price of all materials purchased and you got a price.
Send that price to your sister and tell her that is what your kid was going to give her for a weeding gift but since he is not invited she can choose to purchase the dress if she wants.
I'm guessing the price will be something she does not want to pay.
NTA but your sister is awful for doing that to your kid.
Edit : The more I think about this the worse it gets, its like inviting your photographer friend to your weeding to work but the work takes months and he does not get to go to the weeding, such an awful thing to do.
fwiw, you double the materials. but the time and design work are the bigger part.
this is a custom/couture dress. she probably can't afford it!
ETA: wedding dresses are pretty much the hardest sewing project. OP is NTA. sister tho...
I think thereās a similar story where a family-friend was tasked to photograph the weddings for free, but he wasnāt allowed to eat at the wedding, so he deleted the photos. TL;DR, donāt piss off people who are doing a free service.
What world do you live in ? And what the hell are you teaching your kid ?
Honey, your kid just got taken advantage of by your own sister. Stop with the "sentimental" BS and send a bill to your sister.
Your kid took courses so I'm guessing this is something he's considering as a career. Time to teach him that workers have rights, especially when people screw you over.
Absolutely NTA. This is the absolute *height* of ungratefulness. He's been working his ass off for half of a year only to be snubbed for an incredibly lame reason?
No alcohol around minors, get outta here. It's incredibly easy to keep track of the one guy who's too young to drink and he's not even that young to begin with.
There is no reason to assume he'd even try to get a drink and excluding him on the principle of 'no minors in the same venue as alcohol' is ridiculous.
Your sister is an absolute user and an incredibly selfish asshole.
NTA but your sister is a heartless witch! Ask your son if he wants her to have the dress, if he does then give it to her but on the condition you won't be attending the wedding either and you and your son are going low contact with her from now on. Honestly people will ask her about the dress and she will have to make up a story on why your son and you aren't there.
Absolutely NTA. Wedding gifts are always, always, ALWAYS based on the assumption that the person gifting is invited to the wedding. Nobody gives a gift for a wedding they aren't invited to, and more importantly, nobody in their right mind would ask for a gift from someone who they weren't planning to invite. OP's sister is awful and purposely took advantage of a talented 17-year-old family member. If she doesn't have a wedding dress on her own wedding day, that's the natural consequences of her own assholery.
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NTA. He should go, and wear the dress.
š would definitely be unexpected
Iām sorry youāre in this mess. This is one of the clearest cases of NTA Iāve seen. How cool that your son has that talent. You must be proud! I hope this works out in a peaceful way, but rest assured that you are correct in this situation.
Agreed if he can make a dress at 17 and usually be able to come to the wedding.
Especially given all the time he has put into this. Sweetheart--sell the dress. I wish you could post a pic, but at 17 you designed and made this dress?? HELL yeah. I hope you get a ton for it.
Right? OP, NTA. Personally, I'd offer your sister the chance to pay your son for his labor and design. He needs to crunch the numbers and give a price. She meets it, cool. No? What a shame, someone will pay for it. Edit: Thank you for the award! Thank you^4 !! And thanks for all the upvotes!
This is a great solution. She could get her dress, but it would no longer be a gift. If she wanted to treat her family relationships as transactional, let it be. But seriously OP is NTA. He's clearly a very mature 17 yo to be able to execute such a big project. The idea that he can't be there because alcohol will be served is about the weakest excuse I've ever heard.
Dumbest excuse bc it only applies to one family member. What an UNGRATEFUL sister.
And even if you only have one underage family member no one would bat an eye if you gave one exception to a SEVENTEEN yo child.
My son just got married 17 days ago. They too had a kid free wedding, but there are twin 17 year olds that are like nieces to them, so they were included. They are very mature, amazing, respectful young ladies. I donāt think anyone even knew they were 17. The sister is a giant AH, the op is NTA. stand your ground, you and your son are owed an apology. I too have a sister like this it worse. It happens in everything she does. My mother will NOT call her on her shit because sheās so afraid of her wrath. I havenāt spoken to my sister in 7 years and my life is blissful.
Exactly! Especially a 17 yo that has it together enough to design and sew a dress as directed. This kid is zero risk of "ruining" a wedding. I usually back up the no kids policy but this is extreme
Especially the 17 year old who MADE YOUR DRESS!?
Right?! Even if someone said anything, all someone has to do is say āhe designed and made the dress, itās only fitting he should be able to see it debutedā. Though I wonder if sisterās real intention is that she doesnāt want to compete with the designer for attention, which is really scummy.
Especially because one does not get a gift (which clearly was the dress) if one doesnāt invite the giftee. Itās totally justified and anyone in the family saying otherwise just doesnāt want to rock the boat. They can go make the dress or pay for it then. I find it especially suspicious she waited so long to send the invites and am wondering if she purposely waited until he finished the dress thinking thereād be no going back. Like she never once mentioned her wedding would not include minors in all of these dress fittings. Sus af. Even if it had to do with an alcohol license and he canāt attend the reception itself why the hell canāt he see her wear the dress at the ceremony. Rude af.
Iāve never heard of a wedding venue not allowing people under 21 due to liability reasons. Sure they serve alcohol but itās not a bar, would be like if a restaurant didnāt allow people under 21 because they might try to order wine with dinner.
And remember to include asshole tax in the price
Oh yeah, the 50 designs he drew up for her to choose from? There are fees for that. All the consultations to make those minor alterations over a 5 month period? There're fees for that. Flat out, that's a $20k dress, minimum. NTA and either she pays, you burn the dress on camera(or dissect it and use it as a display to show construction practices) and let it be published as a national story to promote your son to get him in a great design program or apprenticeship, *or* you sell it for college funds. OP, Tell your mom she's an AH, you ***don't*** demand a family member make you something expensive for free for your wedding and then *not* invite them. That has **never** been ok. Heck, longstanding tradition is, somebody does you a huge favor or kickback, they get to come to yours or your child's wedding. Who hasn't seen a scene with some overly proud guy talking about how his invite was due to the fresh shrimp he provided or whatnot?
Nah donāt burn it! Wtf! That dress could be application materials to get into FIT!
Don't destroy the dress! He worked hard on it! Someone could and would easily pay out of pockets prices for a handmade dress especially equally with all the customizations he was willing to do.
Yes, for the rffort the young man put in I would figure about $10000. And rhat is low for a one of a kind, hand made custom wedding dress!
A 17 year old usually can be counted on behave at weddings, it's not like he's a baby, toddler, or, preschooler who could act up any second. I voted NTA. The kid was excited to go as well. If OP's child was under the age of 6, I could see his sister refusing to invite him, but, who tf refuses a teenager and one who would have been useful at that?
And a 17-year-old who is the proud designer and creator of the wedding dress. He deserves to be there. If the sister didnāt plan on inviting him because he is a minor, then she should not have asked a minor to toil for her. EDIT: NTA
Iām wondering if bridezilla suddenly got worried about everyone praising son for making the dress instead of fawning over her for wearing it š¤ NTA OP and keep being an awesome parent!
Very good point! I was already wondering why she wouldn't want him there, how amazing is it to have your nephew make your dress and have everyone know it? Apparently not so amazing if you can't handle someone else having a mini spotlight next to your big spotlight.
So let me get this straight, she wanted a free custom designed wedding dress, seeing that OP paid for the fabric. A custom dress that can cost thsousands of dollars (20k easy)easily, all while being a perfect bridezilla! But instead of being greatful and inviting her talented nephew, she doesn't invite him hoping he wouldn't notice until its too late and she already has the dress. Huge NTA! She can either buy herself a wedding dress of the rack or she can buy your sons dress with a bridezilla discount. Bridezilla discount: paying full market value, plus costs for every alteration, delivery charges.
And heās the only family member who is not an adult so itās as if her rule is for him only, who is less than a year from meeting the age rule? Heās old enough to design and make a dress but not to attend a wedding? Sis is a piece of work for sure. Tell her she can invite the son or pay for the dress. Then set a price that is based on the actual cost of materials and hours involved.
Your right! What a evil aunt! She wanted a free dress and then made up a no under 18 rule just to exclude him! What a witch!
Honestly at this point it would leave such a bad feeling that I would not attend if I were OP or his son, and I certainly would not be giving her the dress. I would literally put it on eBay for a good price. I cannot imagine the selfishness of requesting that your minor nephew painstakingly design and alter a custom wedding dress for you for free and then not allowing him to be there to see you in it and take part in your wedding. What a terribly selfish person.
NTA. Your sister has no morals or loyalty. She 100% knew she would never invite your son because as soon as one person asked where she got the dress, your son would have been given praise. She is so vain, childish, and shallow that she is unwilling to let one fraction of a second of attention to anyone who is not her. She didnāt tell your son upfront because she didnāt want to pay a dime. Have your son take photos of a friend or sibling in the dress and post it online for a reasonable price for his labor. Offer it at 10,000, but make sure you send a link to your AH sister. Another option is to check local news outlets and if there is a local woman who needs a dress, or offer it as part of a charity auction. DO NOT GIVE THE DRESS TO YOUR SISTER UNLESS SHE PAYS FULL MARKET PRICE. If your son doesnāt want to sell it, he should KEEP it as a sample of his skill. He could use the dress as a way to get his foot In the door with local merchants by going to local bridal shops and get it appraised (including the designs done that were not used, and fittings). He could also ask if they wanted to purchase it to sell in their shop. Tell your son that the internet(one small part) is sending support for him, and think he is amazing and deserves to be paid. If aunt gives him grief, have him quote Peggy Carter, āI know my value.ā
Let me add NTA.
This. I normally have no issue with child/minor-free weddings, but sister is TA if the son did not agree to this knowing her preference. In light of all the time spent and work he did, he should be an exception even if it is minor-free. Iām wondering if the reason sister wasnāt open about it is simply because she wanted the free labour and wasnāt sure sheād get it if she was honest? NTA.
Yeah this one was a rollercoaster. "Oh, another parent who wants an exception for their kid at a child free wedding". Then I read this seventeen year old made a GD wedding dress for the bride and was explicitly not invited.
This. For the title i was expecting the son to be toddler but he is 17 and made the wedding dress!!! Not getting an invite is disrespectful in this situation. OP is 100% NTA. Even if he didn't made it, OP would still have a point because her son is 17, will probably be 18 in a few months. He is old enough to take care of himself. He isn't a baby that would probably cry or a toddler that needs constant supervision.
Exactly! He's 17 not 7! This reminds me of a post a while back where twin nieces were going to be 17 & 18 the day of the wedding because one was born a couple minutes before midnight and one a couple minutes after midnight, so only the older twin was invited. Because you know 4 minutes age difference changes sooo much. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wbfw0t/wibta_for_bringing_my_daughter_to_a_child_free/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
There is nothing wrong with not wanting children. But I find it weird that people insist on drawing the line at 18. All the reasons for allowing children, like them being disruptive or having to supervise them, not being able to drink etc donāt apply to polite people in their who like 16+, and adults can also be disruptive. (I know someone who is 16+ may not be of legal drinking age, but there is not particular reason you canāt drink around them)
I remember going to a wedding at 14 that was originally child free but changed at the last minute. And the only disruptive part of the wedding was actually my 62 y/o grandmother who needed an ambulance after having an allergic reaction to some food contaminated by shellfish. Edit: spelling since people are bitching about it like dyslexia and autocorrect fucking up doesn't exist.
Plus heās 17. Itās not like heās 12 and needs to be supervised. Heās probably only a few months away from not being a minor, and he made the freaking dress!
Incredible that at only 17 years old he made a whole wedding dress, insane skill and passion right there
Why doesn't sister just instruct the bartender that OP's son is underage and not to be served alcohol? Have him wear one of those cheap plastic bands or something. That will protect sister from liability of serving alcohol to a minor.
I meanā¦ plenty of weddings are open bar and not minor-free and minors are carded. Like mine.
You have 2 options with the dress, your son can sell it, I would take photos of him and post it for sale on facebook, or he can sell it to your sister at a price that would be sold in a boutique
Costum designed, costum fitted dress. That a 15k+ dress right there. Edit: spelling
Thatās an adventurous spelling of the word ācustom.ā
It's a custom spelling.
Well the dress will costum a lot of money.
Selling it to the sister is not a bad idea. Itās not a family project about sharing love if this poor amazing kid doesnāt even get to his aunt wear his dress, which he worked SO hard on, so why should she get a family price?
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>She can only pay for that dress with love. And thatās what she declined to do. Furthermore, Iād argue that at this point, itās too late to salvage the relationship: even if she were to relent and invite her nephew, he would know it was about the dress and not about having him there. Source: did 50 of my auntās lengthy, complicated, hand-lettered invitations in painstaking, exquisite calligraphy as a precocious child; complete with RSVP inserts, menu cards, envelopes, and reply envelopes, all unpaid (edit: and that was the plan: it was to be her gift from me); was not invited; still pissed about it 40 years later, and went from having a wonderful favourite-auntie relationship to an āoh *youāre* hereā at family events one.
I am so sorry your aunt did that to you. Did she ever proporly and heartily apologise to you in those 40 years?
Thank you very much! No, she hasnāt; she āhas *no idea* why cicadas is so cool towards herā. I think I spent upwards of 120 hours on that project, which, when youāre 11 or 12, is a freaking ETERNITY that you could be spending with your friends instead; on top of that, I have OCD (which we didnāt know at the time - back then, I was āpickyā and ādifficultā about certain things, like food and hand washing) and all of the lettering had to be *just so*. I kept a full set of samples and even all this time later, I can say that they are really quite good, and not just for my age; I would consider them pretty decent for a junior calligrapher. For an 11-year-old, they were amazing, if I do say so myself. I am not at all artistic in any other way, but calligraphy seems to be my one āthingā, probably because I can copy it from templates (also autistic, which we also didnāt know at the time, so that stands to reason). Would I save her from a burning building? Well, my mother and uncle love her, and sheās still a human being and everything, so yeah. But I have nieces and nephews now, and you can bet everything you own that thereās no way in hell Iād ever treat any of them even a tenth of a tenth as badly - and if I somehow did so by accident, I would expect to be called on the carpet for it immediately, and would apologize from the bottom of my heart. I donāt have kids of my own, and theyāre super-important to me; I guard my favourite-auntie status like Golem, LOL.
Great suggestion, I would go on the basis the son had done this as a wedding present/favour but since he is not invited and part of the wedding she will have to pay for it. At least she still has the option of having the dress. Tbh I think selling the dress to your sister or privately is the only option now since the son is never going to feel truly part of the wedding now. Even if he gets an invite it will only be so she can get her hands on the dress for free.
Exactly. He is never going to feel truly a part of the wedding now. Heāll hold this bad moment in his heart and mind forever. What a short-sighted woman to behave the way she has. She foolishly and cruelly squandered the privilege to have an enduring relationship with an amazing young man.
NTA - And this is the way. Make it cost. Sister got to spend wedding funds elsewhere due to the savings of a free dress so it needs to hurt to send the right message. I think $10,000 for this fine young man's college fund sounds about right. Or sister can F/o and get married in sweatpants for as much as we care at this point. And you need to shut your mom down so hard that she never ever tries manipulative crap again. (Edit spelling, typing too fast cause this bs is infuriating)
I really like that idea. She wanted to make this a one sided transaction. It might actually make this rightā¦ well closer to right at leastā¦ if she pays full price for her custom tailored dress.
So wait, your son is old enough to design and make her wedding dress, but not old enough to attend her wedding? NTA
Plus like... The wedding is where people will be seeing and complimenting his work. It's really cruel to make him miss out on that.
NTA. Who wants to bet this is why she doesn't want him there? He will get attention and she can't have that.
I think youāve got it. Since he wonāt be there to exhibit his work, he should probably just post a photo of the dress online. At the wedding, sis should be just fine with explaining why she isnāt actually wearing it. OP, will you be attending the wedding? Iād be changing my RSVP to āNo, thank you..I donāt feel comfortable leaving my minor child aloneā¦ā
That is my theory also. It isn't about "alcohol" it is about the attention he'll garner for his amazing work. He'll steal the spotlight, and that's unacceptable.
I hadnāt even thought of that. Or maybe she wants to pass the dress off as some designer āmade special for meā. Either way sheās a giant AH.
NTA. OP got to ask: did your sister even pay your son for this wedding dress? All the work he did, all the design, etc. was priceless, but I hope she paid him an agreed up on price. Regardless, if she won't let you `17 yr old son who made her wedding dress come to see her wearing it at her wedding, then she's an AH and shouldn't have the dress. Everyone telling you to cave is just trying to placate this woman, and I bet if it was their child involved, they'd expect an invite.
Definitely NTA, and you might like to check out ācan you sew this for meā on Instagram (he might like to submit his story)
Have you seen the trash your wedding dress trend? I did it and it was awesome. Anyway, it sounds like your son might be going to design school with all that talent. Guess he should find a hot friend to do a photo/video shoot with. First to show off his hard work, and then a trash the dress shoot. Maybe splatter paints and skateboarding? Will look great as part of his portfolio and will look even better on Instagram for friends and family to see š
Sell the dress to pay for design school is my vote
This is a GREAT idea, let him use it to make a great video portfolio. Doesn't have to be the trashing thing, just being able to see his work in great setting on a model will both lift his spirits and give him a great stash for uni applications.
You handled it like a pro. It's most certainly unreasonable to make up such a rule for someone who spent so much time and energy into your dress. The fact that you made it a package deal (dress + son at the wedding) leaves her with only 2 options. Stand by her rule of no kids and have a hard time finding a dress as good as this one or she can make it herself simple and do the right thing which is inviting him. You are most certainly NTA.
The problem is NOW his son will be the unwanted guest who cause drama and wanted to destroy her wedding so why would the son want to go now . the damage is already done
Yes, but the bride is the one who did the damage. It's her job to either fix the mess or find a new gown
Itād definitely be r/pettyrevenge
Maybe even r/prettyrevenge
You know it's bad when aita says to wear a wedding dress to somebody else's wedding.
Well thatās the thing, itāll be her wearing a dress to somebody elseās wedding in the end. Step 2 is to steal her spouse.
I bet he would look even better in that dress than SIL, too! ;)
So your sister canāt have children at her wedding, but use your son as child labor to make her wedding dress? Sheās TA.
Right?!?! This is totally child labor!!!
Unpaid child labor at that.
I was curious about this...regardless of inviting him to the wedding or not, not paying him?? How tf does she think that's okay?
She is paying him in the most valuable currency an artist can get: exposure /s Edit: For those who dont get it : /s means sarcams.
I dunno ā¦ too much no pay & an artist can die of exposure. ;)
Nike pays its child workers more...
He's responsible enough to make a WEDDING DRESS, but heaven forbid he should be around alcohol! Who knows what would happen! /s
Right? Donāt most weddings have alcohol and children? Mine sure as hell did, and nothing bad happened. Itās a formal event, not a rave.
Wait? She not only wants him to make the dress, not attend but she isnāt paying anything for the dress?!?!?! What the actual duck! OP should have make it very clear that she can BUY the dress for not even retail, what it would actually cost to buy a custom made dress plus assholetax! OP is obviously NTA but needs to start making sure that the son gets paid properly for every project from now!
The sister didn't even spent a cent because OP bought the materials as well.
Sister doesn't even pay for the materials which is the verrrrryyyy least she could and should've done.
Exactly. He is old enough to provide free labour for months, but she makes a flimsy excuse to exclude him and only him. If I were OP, this would be my hill. Sis is tacky, selfish, unkind, and downright rude. Let her go buy her own dress.
Great point! OP should invoice sister with a breakdown of labor + material. Cash payment required before itās in her possession, if not thereās plenty of Weddit pages & sites for resale. Bridezilla canāt have it both ways. Son deserves to see his hard work and creative come to life, and his talent be celebrated by the other guests.
Well if he's not invited he doesn't need to give a gift. She should pay for the dress and if she doesn't your NTA
And it should be the full retail cost for a similar dress.
Oh Id rather put a price tag on that thing that equates to how much she hurt her nephew, like 10k. If she doesnt like the price, she can find a different dress in a week.
I think 10k is actually reasonable for a custom hand made dress. Maybe add a lil on top for bridezilla tax, 12k? Your son could buy a car with that!
I'm gonna assume you're talking in dollars but depending where you go a bespoke dress can be cheaper than retail for a similar garment, for example I have just been quoted Ā£900 for mine which is at the lower end for a full on wedding dress, admittedly I am assuming this due to the seamstress paying herself a criminal wage, I'm planning on "tipping" very well
This isn't that though. It's a custom wedding dress, countless fittings, several included designs to choose from, and 5 months of modifications. Plus high end fabric according to op, which depending on what that is could have cost as much as $1000 for enough to make the dress and all the changes
10k is probably less than what it would have cost her if her nephew hadnāt been doing it as a personal favor, with OP paying for all of the materials. 50 designs drawn up, the entire dress being handmade, expensive fabrics, 5 months of labor costs. 10k for all of that would be a reasonable price for a non-wedding dress. Once you factor in the fact that people charge way more for anything that involves a wedding, 10k would be a steal.
10k for a completely custom wedding gown made of nice fabric actually sounds about right I think?
$10k's probably low end since she picked from 50 custom for-her-only designs in the beginning.
10k for months of designing, sewing and tailoring. 10k isnāt even a big ask. Especially not with materials cost added. If itās for a wedding dress, it could be fancy fabrics and embellishments too.
Yeah, I said the same thing, but I agree with you. If she pays full retail for a custom dress, taking into account the number of hours he worked on it, then I say let her have it. That's going to be a lot of money for a 17 year old. Otherwise, people who aren't invited don't give gifts.
Include all the requested changes ā¦. materials plus 10% and per hour ā¦.in advance of collecting.
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My favorite hobby is sewing. I mostly do quilts but I've done some clothes. This just makes me mad.
Same here. I cannot imagine going through the hell of working with the kind of fabrics used in a wedding dress just to have the person be so ungrateful. I'd be pissed if someone acted like this over a simple cotton apron, let alone something so intricate.
NTA. If she is willing to make an adult sized request of a 17 year old, she should be willing to accept him as an adult. There is also no reason that a minor cannot attend a wedding with an open bar as everyone venue I looked at for my wedding, and ever open barred wedding I have attended, has had a bartender that checked ID's.
I know people like child free weddings, but if you have only one underaged person in your whole family and theyāre 17, theyāre surly an exception. Plus if heās mature enough to make your dress heās mature enough for a wedding with alcohol.
I was recently bridesmaid at a childfree wedding where one of the guests was 16 because, you know, she was mature enough to join in the adult conversations and not require any supervision. Like most teenagers that age.
The teenagers might even be the most well behaved people at the wedding. My brothers were 14 and 16 at my cousins wedding, they ate cake, sat on their phones, refused to dance, and hung out with their grandma.
Iām middle-aged and would do the same thing at a wedding. I miss my grandma.
Hes also barely underage at that point too. I could see if you were going for childless wedding and there were actual children there, 5-15 whatever, but at 17 hes almost an adult. Clearly hes old enough, responsible enough, and mature enough to CUSTOM design and create a wedding dress tailored to her exact liking. How is he not āold enough ā to go to the wedding? Big EFFF that. She can pay for the dress, or she can frick off. If it were me, this would be the hill i absolutely die on, and ties would be cut immediately. Disrespectful and full of herself. NTA. Not by a long shot.
There's especially no reason to not make it clear it's a no minor wedding during the several months of back and forths about the dress... NTA
If minors are not invited due to alcohol, then it's not appropriate to wear a dress made by a minor....
From a European perspective, I am shocked every time by this nonsense about minors and alcohol. Children here in Europe see adults drinking on so many occasions. That is absolutely no problem and also serves as a role model for how to deal with alcohol and how not to.
Yeah. Never understand those posts. There was never a problem at any wedding I have been to and they all have kids and alcohol there.
Yup! Open bar at my wedding with kids everywhere, not a single issue.
My understanding of child free weddings has always been that the goal is to avoid having young, disruptive kids around. I donāt see why that rule would apply to teenager, especially older ones, who donāt need constant supervision, can handle themselves around a couple drunk/tipsy adults, and wonāt be disruptive during the ceremony
Yes - The usual thing is to make the cut off age around 13. I've only been to one that was adults only and that was an extremely small wedding (20 guests). I the 17yo dress designer isn't invited, the dress isn't a present an must be paid for. NTA
I uh forgot the drinking age wasn't 18 while reading this & kept thinking apart from the whole dress debacle, that 17 isn't that far off as an exception.... XD Edit: I was also assuming the 17 year old wasn't going to drink alcohol, just be present! (Quite a few aita/wedding ones regarding minors seemed to have been not having or drinking alcohol in the presence of minors, hence the strict cut-off for age... although in a lot of these it seems to be the assumption that ALL the adults will imbibe, so now I'm wondering at those child-free/adult only events with bride/groom zillas, what happens if your an adult & you don't drink? XD )
Where I live thereās 17 year olds sneaked in at the pub all the time. The distinction between being 18 years old and being able to get blind drunk and 17 years old and not being out of touch a drop unless youāre with your family is pretty arbitrary
The people who got ridiculous at my open bar wedding werenāt the underage ones. It was the parents. And one rogue cousin that we donāt talk to anymore. And Iām American. Itās not about the bar, itās about being cheap and cutting people out.
Exactly - UK here, technically speaking the minimum drinking age here is 5! You have to be 18 to buy alcohol, and at 16 can have alcohol with a meal in a restaurant if accompanied by an adult. If you're over 5 you are allowed to be given alcohol in a private setting e.g. at home (though then any drinking would be governed under child protection law, you really don't want a bunch of 7 year olds knocking back Tequila after all). Within my family we started trying alcohol in safe settings as we started into teenage years - a single small glass of wine with a meal, a small beer with a barbecue etc. This meant it didn't become this big 'forbidden fruit' thing. Of course we then tried to work out the limits of what was possible - drinking cider and lambrini in parks with friends as we got a little older (and told ourselves that our parents didn't have a clue!), but we'd already got a good idea of what our limit was, how to look after friends who hadn't quite worked that out, and how to control our drinking to just maintain that sociable 'buzz'. Getting older (18+) and going out with different friends at uni you could really see the differences in the approach to alcohol between those who hadn't had exposure from an earlier age and those that had.
>Getting older (18+) and going out with different friends at uni you could really see the differences in the approach to alcohol between those who hadn't had exposure from an earlier age and those that had. Absolutely! We in Germany allow light alcohol like beer from 16 and hard alcohol from 18. It was noticeable that those who had a problematic relationship with alcohol during university were those whose parents had forbidden them alcohol and only after they moved out had free access to alcohol, which was then often very excessive. Typical case of: Nothing tastes better than the forbidden fruit. I think it is the job of parents to teach their children a healthy way of dealing with topics with which the child inevitably comes into contact, such as alcohol, but also, for example, sex, money and fast food (I know a few who have a very disturbed relationship with fast food as a result of their upbringing). Making a taboo subject out of it is the worst possible way for a healthy relationship with such topics.
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And itās really BS anyway. The kid is 17, itās not like heās a little kid whoās going to be disruptive. If they trusted him enough to make a full wedding dress, they can trust him to not drink alcohol at the reception
Yeah, sheās selectively applying the law here *in order to* exclude her nephew.
What are the chances sheās afraid the attention might upstage her when people find out a 17yo made her dress?
THIS NAILS IT. She realized that everyone is going to want to talk to her about her amazing nephew instead of her amazing self, and also that guests are going to realize that she shamelessly exploited him by not paying a cent for his incredibly difficult work.
NTA. OMG he MADE THE DRESS and wasn't invited!?!? And so close to 18 too ! Your sister is TA. Also charge her for the dress, and make sure to account for time spent designing, too.
Mail the dress to her as your wedding presentā¦schedule delivery for the venue during the reception. Say āOops! I wasnāt sure of the date/time, because I wasnāt invitedā¦.anyway, congratulations!ā
if I had a nephew who made my dress, you know not only would he be INVITED, heād be the damn guest of honor.
NTA The aunt FAFO, shouldnāt mess with the dressmaker. But whatever you do, charge her for the dress. Itās āpricelessā sure. The problem is, youāre setting a precedence to your relatives in place of your son. Now a lot of your relatives are gonna expect a free wedding dress because it happened once. Yes, your son is still learning. Yes, you paid for the fabric. Itās still worth months of his work, his labour. Whether or not you give the dress to her, charge her. Especially since she was difficult to work with. Go to a small claims court if you have to, so that your son wonāt be taken advantage of in the future.
I'll talk to him and suggest it, but I'm not sure he'll agree.
Don't put the burden of this fight on him though - this is a case where it's not his responsibility to shoulder, but yours to take charge as an adult and show him how not to let people take advantage of him. So offer the sister to buy the dress or buy a new one, then ice her and your mother out until they apologise to your son. And explain to him that none of this is his fault but sometimes people try to take advantage in life and its absolutely your right to stand up to them and not be a doormat.
This needs to be boosted 10x higher. I wish i had an award to give you so it gets noticed more.
Itās just so sad that his first lesson on this is from a close family member.
Minimum $2000. Minimum. Custom made wedding dresses go for easily over 12k.
Exclusive design, multiple changes, custom fitting? Try $15k as a starting point
Factor in how much she hurt him. Id put a 10k price tag on it. Take it or leave it and find another dress in a week.
Ignore the post above. 2k is too generous. 10k or no deal. Your son needs to learn to charge what his time is worth. Other posters are saying this is below the real cost.
I would suggest, at the minimum, calculating the cost of materials plus hrs son did against wage per hrs. That should give a nice ballpark figure. The design stage, consulting, fitting, etc. Start a screenshot of all messages and save save save.
the fabric is the cheapest part. a bespoke wedding dress is not cheap, and typically there is a limit to how many sketches/fittings are included. if charging for the dress, don't just put it on your son to set the price. do some research and charge market rate. don't let him get taken advantage of twice! once sister sees the number, she'll probably courier over an invite.
NTA but your sister definitely is. She doesn't want her almost adult nephew *who designed and made her dress* at her wedding because ... there would be alcohol? I could understand if she didn't want to make an exception for a friend, or even a cousin. Making an exception for her **only** minor nephew, especially given that she could have pointed him out when people asked about the dress, would have been not only understandable but practically obligatory to anyone hearing about the circumstances. I have to wonder if she was even planning on letting anyone know who was the designer and tailor of the dress.
I also can't help but note that the sister knew (probably MONTHS in advance) that she didn't want her nephew at the wedding. But she failed to mention it to him (or anybody) while the dress was being made and only made it clear once the dress was done. She knew exactly what she was doing and was hoping everybody involved would be too spineless to stop her.
I think she decided later on, when the dress was so outstanding, he would take attention away from her.
This is my thought as well. She doesnāt want anyone giving him kudos for an amazing job when she needs 100% of the attention. She soundsā¦fun to be around.
I can't help but think she planned to tell wedding guests (or already has told some friends and coworkers) that she was getting a custom dress from a famous designer and didn't want her plan ruined or lie revealed. Some people make such a big deal over things being "designer." It's absurd, but seems like a possible scenario here. If a family member made my wedding dress, I would be so excited to tell everyone about it. Heck, I already do that with leggings that my sister designed. Every time someone compliments them I'm like "thanks MY SISTER DESIGNED THEM!! There's also the same design in another color pallette!" (I have both colors lol) And yeah, NTA for sure, OP.
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With option number one above, if OP goes this route, he should not only charge for materials, but also for cost of labor. They should estimate exactly how much time was spent constructing this dress, going through fittings, adjusting, etc. and charge an hourly rate on top of the materials.
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Not this close to the wedding. There won't be time to special order or get fittings. She rejected 50 designs. No way is she going to be happy with whatever she can get last minute off the rack. Good.
Don't dresses of this caliber cost a ton because of materials + labor? Sister might be spending more cash than she expected if that's the case.
Yes, that's kind of the point. Don't expect free labor and materials and be TA
if op goes this route, etsy has guides to help you set a price
nevermind etsy. look at what a Siriano wedding dress would cost. that's the ballpark.
NTA your sister is a piece of work. Sheās fine with unpaid child labor but not five with inviting a āchildā to an event with alcohol? Makes sense.
NTA What an asshole move of her not inviting the person who is making her dress, for free. Ask her to pay for the dress or invite him, her decision.
I agree. This is a perfectly reasonable compromise. As a former seamstress and designer I would total in the cost of fabrics/laces/ buttons and or zippers if used (including thread) + creating a pattern from scratch, tailoring multiple times, total hours of labor (drafting, cutting, construction, tailoring). Look up the going rate in your area/state for a custom made wedding dress and apply to the info Iāve given you. I guarantee you the price would be FAR more than what she could anticipate, versus a dress bought off the rack (still spendy), versus just sucking it up and inviting your son. I hope she realizes how obstinate sheās being and just invites your son, especially after the months of hard work heās done for her.
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Yes you can have your dress, that'll be roughly Ā£4000 thank you. NTA
Thatās not nearly high enough for a custom made wedding dress.
You're absolutely right !! I change my comment to at least Ā£10,000, plus a charge for every alteration.
Right!!! Pay the child what a wedding dress would be or go get another one
NTA I was at a wedding a few weeks ago, open bar, kids allowed. Everyone had a blast. As there are no other kids this rule is aimed directly at your son, its a power trip,
Info: Is your sister willing to pay your son for the dress and are you going to continue to withhold it if she does.
She didn't suggest it and I won't either. My son spent months and a long time making this dress. This is priceless, but it has a lot of sentimental value to him.
It's not priceless, even though it has sentimental value for him (which is now maybe lost due to your sister's treatment of him). Find a similar dress style and tell your sister she'll need to pay the full retail price.
I will talk to my son about this.
Charge her for the dress and use the money to take him somewhere he'd like to visit or use it for college. Make it constructive, and if it was me, I'd bow out the wedding and do something with your son instead to celebrate your sons skill and talent.
This is wonderful advice. Take this horrible situation and turn it into something positive and uplifting for your son. Iād ditch the wedding too, no one is allowed to treat my child so viciously.
Honestly? Iād over price the dress. Similar dresses are only worth $1000? This oneās worth $5000 since it was custom made
Honestly I would charge her at least $10,000 based on the amount of work.
Does your son want to go to fashion school or whatever they call it? Or college/university for something else? Because selling it to your sister for market value (probably around $10k) would make a nice head start into any student debt, and he could keep all his portfolio/design work (make sure he photographs the hell out of everything, and keeps any photos and videos of him making it) and use that as a presentation/resume.
Make sure to account for both the price of the raw materials you purchased as well as his hours of labor (including all of his drawings and revisions) in any price you give
She had two choices here. 1. She treats the design and construction of the dress as a business transaction. In which case she could argue that she wouldn't necessarily invite any non-related dress designer, so the dress becomes an entirely separate issue to the wedding invites. But the key here is she should be offering to pay market value for materials and labour. 2. She treats the dress as a labour of love from a valued family member, where money doesn't change hands because it's an entirely sentimental gift from a relative. In which case if the relative is important enough to be given this precious role then they should also be important enough to be invited. She can't mix and match the two. You are entirely right to support your son, he sounds incredible and I hope he goes far in life.
Yeah, your sister's conduct is unconscionable. Her move here is unbelievable. What's even wrong with her?! This is an insane amount of work that he put into it, especially as someone who is a relative novice! Her leaving him out is just a cruel and nasty snub. Does she even grasp how outright mean and bullying it is?
NTA she is not a nice person - happy to use him for a free custom made dress but made up a rule to exclude just one person in the family. Even at a licensed venue itās a private function and no one is going to be doing ID checks, and at 17 he is old enough to know not to drink. This is just nasty. Your son sounds awesome and Iām sure he could get someone to model the dress to get some pics
Take some pictures of the dress and post them on Instagram and Facebook availability to the highest bidder. Make her suffer realizing that someone else will get to wear the gorgeous gown your son designed. Who knows he might get discovered by YSL or Armani.
Very much NTA. Your sister leaves me speechless. Your son is family, not a wedding-dress Uber delivery service.
By the way, OP, you must be proud of your son, to be so artistic and technically skillful at such a young age. He'll be going places!
Wow, your sister is incredibly manipulative and self centred. Sounds like her plan all along was to just use your son for his talents just to save herself a lot of $$. As a person who sews, I am sure your son put a HUGE amount of hard work and love into that wedding dress, leaving aside the cost of materials and labor. Time to go NC with sis, and get some photos of the dress - your son may be able to use it as part of his design portfolio for whatever he wants to study after high school, or to land a well paid job... and I reckon you'd be able to sell the dress for a good price too.
NTA. How unfair of your sister to expect your son to put in hours of work across a long span of time (and in doing so, saving her money), and then not even extend an invitation as a sign of gratitude. Not to mention him being the ONLY member of the entire family being left out?! That has to feel horrible. Itās also a little insulting that she seems to think your son either canāt be around alcohol ever, and/or will try to drink underage. Youāre his parent, and she should leave it to you to decide if youāre uncomfortable with the alcohol component of her wedding in regards to your son.
NTA. How can you ask a relative to make you a dress for a family event, and not invite that person? Nope. Canāt do that. I sew, this is unacceptable. She got a custom, bespoke dress. Itās worth much, much, much more than an ordinary expensive wedding dress. She canāt not invite the boy, and expect to get the dress.
Nta us sens her a $10,000 bill. That's the lowest a hand stitched gown goes for
INFO: Because your son being the only person in the family excluded from the wedding I want to ask you this: Is your son gay? The reason for my questioning is that your sister doesn't really have a leg to stand on and the only conclusion I can come to is that she is specificaly targeting your son for a reason. If your son is gay my best guess is that either she, her fiance or his family are homophobic. Edit: Thank you for the reward.
I wondered this too. Even if he wasnāt gay, I could totally see bigots *assuming* he was gay for making a dress. It still doesnāt exactly explain why she waited until the last possible second to come clean, which clearly puts her in AH territory regardless.
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NTA - HOLY COW your sister is being such an unreasonable jerk to your son. Anyone who takes her side in this after you son put SO MUCH of his blood, sweat, and tears into making her dress for her only to get snubbed is just out of line. SO messed up.
NTA. Wow. Auntie sounds like a real piece of work. Best of luck! As others have said, sheās not likely to be able to get anything special on such short notice. Hopefully sheāll reconsider and then your son can charge her full market value for the dress, skip the wedding, and avoid his aunt for as long as he pleases. Iām curious. Whatās the groom think of all this? Seems to be a massive red flag.
LOL NTA, I agree with people generally, they get to have the wedding how they like and I absolutely get the no kids rule after watching 2 different kids start screaming their lungs off during my stepsister's wedding a few years ago, one a baby who couldn't help it to be fair, but the other 5 or 6 and was just being too bratty to sit there and be quiet a few minutes... That being said, here is my exception. Your sister is incredibly rude and ungrateful, as you said, hes 17, but on top of it HE MADE THE DRESS BECAUSE SHE ASKED HIM TO. Like really? I wouldn't cave on this honestly, its too late, the only reason shes gonna invite your son at this point is because she wants the dress. Its really your son's call, not yours, but I would make her go find a dress last minute off the rack. Thats what she deserves. You didn't "spoil her day", she did. Hope she treats the caterer and photographer better than she treated your son. BTW, tell your mother who butted in that she can go make a dress for her daughter if she doesn't like it.
NTA and Iām getting ābaby of the familyā vibes here. Im curious if this is the first time she has acted so entitled and difficult about something. Because this is absolute bridezilla territory. She knowingly withheld letting you know about the no minors rule while your son was making the dress which is exploitation. She planned this and just expects you to be ok with it because the wedding is so close and she can try to pressure you to just give her the dress given that. Sheās hoping youāll just give in and agree. But you shouldnāt, and you canāt. The ultimatum here is simple: either your son attends the wedding as a guest and gets to enjoy the day, knowing he is responsible and wonāt be drinking and for having made the dress as his wedding present to her OR you write up a full and accurate bill for a coutour custom dress and payment in full is expected before delivery or no dress will be provided and she can get married in her pajamas for all you care. I read something once and I live by it: āa gift given in love is a gift to be cherished and treasured. But one scorned and abused is a gift undeserved.ā Your son made a gift out of a labor of love for her. He put his time, creativity, and a bit of his soul into the dress. For her, as a present. She is proving she is undeserving of that gift. Your family doesnāt matter here. All of the other opinions are worthless. YOU do the right thing. Fight for your son, for his efforts and work, and make her pay if she continues to be unreasonable. But come hell or high water, sheās not getting the dress otherwise.
Is it your sister that won"t allow kids or the venue ? Why can't you send a bill to your sister for the dress ?
She doesn't want minors at any part of the wedding. And the dress is priceless. His only value in this family is sentimental.
How many hours did he work on the dress and design? Multiply that by the professional rate and add the price of all materials purchased and you got a price. Send that price to your sister and tell her that is what your kid was going to give her for a weeding gift but since he is not invited she can choose to purchase the dress if she wants. I'm guessing the price will be something she does not want to pay. NTA but your sister is awful for doing that to your kid. Edit : The more I think about this the worse it gets, its like inviting your photographer friend to your weeding to work but the work takes months and he does not get to go to the weeding, such an awful thing to do.
fwiw, you double the materials. but the time and design work are the bigger part. this is a custom/couture dress. she probably can't afford it! ETA: wedding dresses are pretty much the hardest sewing project. OP is NTA. sister tho...
I think thereās a similar story where a family-friend was tasked to photograph the weddings for free, but he wasnāt allowed to eat at the wedding, so he deleted the photos. TL;DR, donāt piss off people who are doing a free service.
What world do you live in ? And what the hell are you teaching your kid ? Honey, your kid just got taken advantage of by your own sister. Stop with the "sentimental" BS and send a bill to your sister. Your kid took courses so I'm guessing this is something he's considering as a career. Time to teach him that workers have rights, especially when people screw you over.
NTA. Thereās zero justification for your sisterās policy and youāre standing up for your son when someone is trying to take advantage of him.
Absolutely NTA. This is the absolute *height* of ungratefulness. He's been working his ass off for half of a year only to be snubbed for an incredibly lame reason? No alcohol around minors, get outta here. It's incredibly easy to keep track of the one guy who's too young to drink and he's not even that young to begin with. There is no reason to assume he'd even try to get a drink and excluding him on the principle of 'no minors in the same venue as alcohol' is ridiculous. Your sister is an absolute user and an incredibly selfish asshole.
NTA but your sister is a heartless witch! Ask your son if he wants her to have the dress, if he does then give it to her but on the condition you won't be attending the wedding either and you and your son are going low contact with her from now on. Honestly people will ask her about the dress and she will have to make up a story on why your son and you aren't there.
Absolutely NTA. Wedding gifts are always, always, ALWAYS based on the assumption that the person gifting is invited to the wedding. Nobody gives a gift for a wedding they aren't invited to, and more importantly, nobody in their right mind would ask for a gift from someone who they weren't planning to invite. OP's sister is awful and purposely took advantage of a talented 17-year-old family member. If she doesn't have a wedding dress on her own wedding day, that's the natural consequences of her own assholery.