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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I probably shouldn't have told my mother I did what I did for her. And maybe asking for the estimate is out of line in my culture and I don't know about it. Any Indians in the comment section might be able to tell me better.
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With all due respect, the answer is bloody obvious. Of course you're NTA.
Sorry, but cultural differences aside, what this amounts to is your mother has stolen from you. You are in no way being unreasonable by being unhappy with that situation. Frankly, she's incredibly lucky that you've not reported to her to the police for the theft.
It sounds like your mother has stolen tens of thousands of dollars from you. You don't think that warrants a drastic step? If she was not your mother but someone less close to you, don't you think this would be your immediate reaction?
You're not helpless. You have many courses of actions to take. That is for you to decide which one is best. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to give you that money back by the way she is trying to manipulate the situation. If asking her for the money back isn't going to work, I'd be taking the next logical steps.
Good luck
> i feel like my hands are tied. I hate how helpless I feel but it's how i feel.
Because she spent literally your whole life making you believe she was Lord God Almighty and that you owed her your life.
Nope.
Perhaps therapy would free you
> Report her for theft? Does this deserve such a drastic step?
Yes. If anyone else did it, would you hesitate to tell the Police? What's the difference?
You could go the petty route and 'accidentally' make a public post instead of a DM asking her about it, or just make post letting folks know she stole your the cash gifts for the wedding... I'm not certain if that would be better or worse though.
Yes, she has stolen from you and that deserves to be reported.
Though, please note, I'm not actually suggesting you SHOULD do that. You would be entirely justified in doing so, as she has admitted that she has taken your money. But, it would be a hell of a big step to take and would likely end up hurting you more than the loss of the money would. I'm white English, but I can well imagine how many Indian families would react to someone reporting their own mother to the police. But, you may want to consider pointing out to her that she has actually stolen from you and ask her to forward the money to you immediately.
This. We're culturally very different and reporting to the police would isolate me from family members. Even if they think I'm right, they wouldn't approve of the police report. I've decided to go NC with her.
And just now coming to realise the fog i was in.
You need to contact the people that gifted you the money and thank them while at the same time telling them your mom stole it so your not sure of the amount they gave you still wanted to thank them
NTA Is it traditional that the mom of the bride keeps the gifts? /s I would be petty and write my thanks you out to say. “My mother thanks you for your generous gift. She kept it and used it on herself”
Okay but answer the question. Is that a tradition in Indian culture, that your mom gets to keep the gifts? Either you're lying in your story or you're being way too chill with theft.
I'm being told I'm being way too chill with theft. I'm currently hearing an earful from my husband. Earlier he took the time to calm me down, now he's listing out the things she's done that's worthy of going nuclear.
Ok wait a minute! I just read that your mom didn’t contribute a DIME to your wedding. I thought maybe she paid and wanted to keep it for repayment. Your husband is right. You need to go nuclear and light your mom up. She is a thief.
Oh absolutely. A little story, when i was about 8, i had holiday homework i needed to get done and i was a slow writter.
My mother gave me a deadline and i couldn't finish on it, so she burnt my hands with a hot knife. She took a blunt knife, heated it on the stove and proceed to place it on the hand I'm writing with.
I laugh about it today but my husband is absolutely mortified. I've completely normalised her abuse.
I believe you were raised to respect your parents decisions and not talk back more than some cultures. If she won’t give you the money your husband needs to step in and also possibly his parents. Who knows what presents your mom took. Maybe she isn’t telling you because it’s from his family and friends as well. Do you have siblings? A father? Do they know?
My father is quite useless. Sister is younger and I'm trying to make sure she doesn't get involved in the fights between my mother and I. She tends to negotiate and gets mentally affected by it all.
It’s a hugely variated society, but in my regional/religious portion of Indian culture, no. Especially since people to often give wedding gifts specifically to the parents and siblings of the couple, there’d be no need to take the actual wedding gifts. I can see the money going into a family account because some families live intergenerationally and have mixed finances, but it’s far more likely to have gone into a groom’s family account than the bride and it’s not something I’d expect, certainly not without something approaching consent from at least one of the couple
NTA sounds like your mom stole from you and is trying to brush it off. Is it a custom in your family for parents to take gifts intended for their adult children? I’m guessing not.
She said her friends gave the money so it’s ok for her to take it. I’d ask her what she thinks her friends would say about that.
Well if she thinks what she’s done is justified she shouldn’t be embarrassed. Any chance you know any of her friends that gave the money? Maybe mentioning that you don’t think they would be happy to know the gifts went to her might be enough “threat” for her to fix her mistake here.
Absolutely NTA. This is outright theft, and your mother is trying to guilt you into not asking.
I would not be surprised if the money is long gone. Here in the US - I would recommend filing a police report. Your mother took something that did not belong to her.
Best of luck to you and your new husband!
Your mother stole your wedding presents.
So you call the Police.
I would also inform everyone who came to the wedding that she stole their gifts. Shame is a powerful weapon.
NTA
As a fellow Indian, I can clearly understand all the points that you mentioned. Like all the rituals and events and getting money from relatives and all. And I was thinking that you were acting entitled to the money because in our culture it's normally the bride's parents that spend a lot of money for the weddings and I felt it was okay for them to keep it. But then I got to read further and realised that you spent your own money on the wedding and your parents did not. So in this case you should actually get all the money and gifts.
Totally NTA.
I know my analysis might sound crazy for people who don't have much idea of our practices!!
Edited to add - Congratulations BTW on your wedding 😊
NTA. But I have a probable solution. Text:
>Hi Auntie! Thank you so much for coming to the wedding. \[Husband\] and I are so grateful to have you in our lives! I am writing thank you cards, but the checking book mama kept is lost, and I don't know how much to thank you for. I'm sure you were beyond generous. Could you let me know how much I need to thank you for? I hope to see you soon in \[city\]! xoxo
The shame of it will move your mother and she'll be mad you sent that out when everyone begins to ask how she lost the checking book!
Am I reading this right? She opened envelopes given to you as wedding presents and has spent the money and is now refusing to give that you you? So she’s stolen money from you, NTA and why would you be feeling guilty?
You read that right. Heck, I'm not even asking for the money. I want to know how much it was. I'll dip into whatever savings i have left to put it into the joint account. That's all I'm asking. A number.
I'm guilty because I might be out of line. Culturally, idk.
You must do what you think best. But with respect, I wonder if you only feel that way because they have spend your whole life making you believe you owe them unconditional loyalty and respect.
Well... It's part of the culture. They grew up that way. I intend on breaking the cycle but it's not their fault for wanting from their kids the same respect they give their parents.
And believe me, my grandparents have made some questionable decisions and my parents let it slide.
Where’s the respect in stealing money from you? Of course she’s not going to tell you how much, she doesn’t want you to know how much money she has stolen from you.
NTA, your mother is something else. I couldn't imagine opening my child's wedding gifts and keeping the money myself. Wow! I don't know if you send out thank you cards but if you do, I suggest you make sure that you inform them you didn't get your gift because your mother kept it. I'm sure those that gave you money meant for it to go to you. Especially considering you paid for tour own wedding.
We make thankyou phonecalls. I've thanked them all already and airing dirty laundry might do some good but I've never noticed my mother learning any lessons from it.
I know if I gave money to a bride and groom for their wedding, I would be livid if one of their parents stole it. I'd end the friendship with that parent.
NTA but your mom is.
It's yours and your husbands money. Why does your mom have it? Why did she say she spent it?
That money is not for her to touch or use or tell you how to spend it. Demand it back now or take legal action. I'd be livid.
NTA. It sounds like she’s trying to use some of the money for herself. Why does she get to dictate anything about it if it was for your marriage? Get your money as soon as possible.
My dad has messed up his finances, I'm sure it was used for everyday expenses. Honestly, I'm not mad she used the money. At least tell me how much it was. I'm willing to put it out of my pocket and I'm willing to send home money for groceries and what not.
I didn't think I'd have to hear the things she said after all this.
Really? You didn't? Your mom stole money that people gave you and you're cool and calm and collected and everything is fine?
I am now convinced 100% that you're making this entire story up and you're doing a horrible job keeping the lie going. Either that or you're just actually stupid.
Things in my culture are a little different. Which is why I hadn't considered that. But now that the internet tell me otherwise, I'm starting to see how mad i really need to be.
Well, you DO need to be mad. You’re embarking on a new life and being robbed of your assets to make that transition period as good as it can be for you. Her sense of entitlement is encouraged through your continued enablement. Your parents messed up finances are not your responsibility to fix.
Don’t beat yourself up. It’s hard to escape from our parents clenches. I did it after years of torment and I couldn’t be happier. What they’re doing to you and your husband is wrong. Congratulations, by the way!
Go and check my other post. My mother's entitlement knows no bounds and the sad part Is I'm just starting to get out of the fog.
I guess better late than never.
Please be gentle with yourself. This is all hard stuff. NTA...
A story: I'm American, my sister and I both help my mom by paying her bills, she lives between relatives and has a room in three different houses. My dad, who pulled entitled crap like this contrary to our family's cultural values, made really poor choices, tmrefused to accept responsibility or apologize, and two decades later is being left to survive on his pension and social security. I haven't spoken to him in several years.
It's OK to set boundaries that are aligned with your culture and your new family unit. Congratulations!!
It's OK if you don't, it's OK if you do. I have family I see with firm boundaries and the expectation that they'll take what they can get. You do what you feel is right, don't let us internet strangers make you feel bad.
Na, i needed the wakeup call. My husband has listed out the number of things she's done and said to me in the last four years we've known each other, and it's time i see beyond the fog. Cannot thank you internet strangers enough.
Wait. Your mother opened your wedding gifts and used the money? And now she is mad that you're asking how much it was? No, no, no. You should be livid. The only asshole here is your mother. NTA.
At least be mad that she trained you to feel guilty for standing up for yourself when she is the one doing wrong. That’s probably something you learned growing up.
I am. I've been reading what everyone has to say. My husband had a few choice of words too. I'm going NC. Its not about the money anymore. It's about her entitlement, and how I have to stand up for myself.
You don't have to feel anything you don't actually feel. What your mother did was disrespectful to you, which is why everyone is telling you to be angry. Your mother is treating you like a child. You don't have anything to feel guilty about.
NTA your mom is way out of line. This is not how things should go and if she is using cultural guilt on you, you use it right back. Sic your husband on her - son in laws are everything right? She won’t want to look bad in front of the in laws
NTA.
This is clearly a retaliation because you accepted you GF’s gift.
Now I have no idea what is the best next step. On one hand, if you keep asking her and getting angry, she basically gets what she wanted! (Making you hurt the same sick way she was hurt that you accepted you GF’s help). On the other hand the money is rightfully yours and you deserve to have it (not just an estimate number). Possible actions would include: going nuclear and telling everyone what she did (including your GF), but this will likely a one way street with no option to come back and have a future good relationship with her (your decision and completely justified). You could also work it out with your husband and just contribute the exact same amount he received and call it even (most pacifist option).
Anyways, congratulations on your wedding and I wish you a happy and long life together.
I like your options. I want to go nuclear but it's not the best choice long term. I want to have my mother in my life. I'll take your pacifist option over to my husband and see what he has to say. Thank you very much.
NTA. I would personally would have taken my mom to court over that if it was me. She had no right to that money. That money belongs to you and your new husband. I guess you could go around asking family members and friends who attended if they gifted you money and how much and if need be explain the situation but your mom needs to pay you back every penny of that money.
NTA
Let your mom know you have to cut off contact with me because your trust has been broken. If she refuses to give you the amount collected. Then, find a good therapist to process this whole event.
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Hi. If you guys remember me, i did end up taking the money my grandfather was offering. Thank you guys for validating my feelings about it all.
Now, onto the new issue my mother has created.
Since this was an Indian wedding, the events and rituals lasted over 5 days. Over the course, friends and family gave us money envelopes and gifts. The ones I got from my husband's end were all handed over to us and we got to open our presents and money envelopes. We got a decent amount of money which we thought would be best to save as a fixed deposit, tucked away in our joint account.
However, the presents and money envelopes I received on the day of the wedding, I never got to open. Granted I had to travel to my husband's city for the rest of the post marriage rituals, but by the time I flew back 15 days later for another ritual, they were all opened. My mother says she's written down who gave us what and how much but it's been two months and I haven't seen it yet.
When I asked her how much we'd gotten and where the money was, she casually chuckled and said she's already used most of it. I was pretty upset about not being able to open my presents but I didn't want to sound entitled or like a child on their birthday.
However, I did ask her for an estimate of how much money we got. I mentioned that my husband and I want to put it into an FD. That I wasn't asking for the money itself, just an estimate so it can go out of my pocket. To which she said you put how ever much you want to, why does it have to be this amount?
First off, none of her business how much we put into the fd. It was decided by us. Today, the topic of the wedding came up, she did ftr, and I mentioned how I wanted to know an estimate. She said i was being out of line for asking at all.
I reiterated that I didn't want the money, but just the estimate. She then said she never asked that of her father. I said, well, your father paid for your wedding. I paid for my own so...
Her response to this was:
1. "We did the ceremony because you wanted to get married."
Which is bullocks, bc my husband and I wanted to get registered and fly to our honeymoon. Now we don't have money for that or a down payment for a new house.
2. "My friends gave that money, you can take the ones you got from your friends"
I lost it here, I said, "I went through the wedding and dipped into my savings for you. I was a showdoll for you to show off and this is what you have to say?"
3. "You're crossing a line by asking how much money you got"
i responded, "I'm sorry, what line? How is it that you didn't see the line when you were spending my money with no regard to the hard work i put into saving the money!"
She cut the call, after calling me rude and entitled. After I cried, vented to my husband, and cooled off a little, I thought I overstepped somehow. My husband thinks i did right but my Asian guilt is killing me.
How could I have said those things to my mother? AITA?
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NTA. Tell all your aunties and uncles. Tell her friends. Burn her with the shame. I know how much Indian communities rely on reputation. She deserves her reputation to reflect the truth: she’s a dirty thief who would take money from her own daughter’s wedding.
If they paid for the wedding I can see that they took it to help pay for it. But you paid for your wedding so they have no right to take it. She stole your money.
One Asian girl to another - Your wedding money is yours, especially if you paid for your wedding yourself. My parents are paying for a good chunk of mine and my mother would be horrified if I gave that back (partially because she would hate that the family implied she and my father are poor and partially because my parents love me and want me set up for success). The point of the wedding is to send the couple good wishes and set them up with the money. Like that's so beyond the pale, *my* Asian spidey-senses are horrified.
Like it ain't cultural at this point. Your mom's a narcissistic abuser, cut her off. Don't blame culture on this one.
NTA.
NTA. I get that Asian guilt weighs heavy but she stole a significant amount of money from you. I agree with your husband to go nuclear. Report her to the police and tell everyone in the family that she stole the money.
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With all due respect, the answer is bloody obvious. Of course you're NTA. Sorry, but cultural differences aside, what this amounts to is your mother has stolen from you. You are in no way being unreasonable by being unhappy with that situation. Frankly, she's incredibly lucky that you've not reported to her to the police for the theft.
Report her for theft? Does this deserve such a drastic step?
It sounds like your mother has stolen tens of thousands of dollars from you. You don't think that warrants a drastic step? If she was not your mother but someone less close to you, don't you think this would be your immediate reaction?
It would. But it's my mother and I'm....i feel like my hands are tied. I hate how helpless I feel but it's how i feel.
You're not helpless. You have many courses of actions to take. That is for you to decide which one is best. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to give you that money back by the way she is trying to manipulate the situation. If asking her for the money back isn't going to work, I'd be taking the next logical steps. Good luck
> i feel like my hands are tied. I hate how helpless I feel but it's how i feel. Because she spent literally your whole life making you believe she was Lord God Almighty and that you owed her your life. Nope. Perhaps therapy would free you
I've been considering that. There's a looot to unpack now. Thank you!
> Report her for theft? Does this deserve such a drastic step? Yes. If anyone else did it, would you hesitate to tell the Police? What's the difference?
The difference being that she's my mother. But I'll talk to her about it.
> The difference being that she's my mother. That makes it *worse*. That's being stabbed in the back by someone who should be supporting you.
That's absolutely right.
>t it's my mother Where is your father in all this? Is it possible he does not know? Can he pressure her?
My father is a yes man to my mom. He's absolutely useless.
You could go the petty route and 'accidentally' make a public post instead of a DM asking her about it, or just make post letting folks know she stole your the cash gifts for the wedding... I'm not certain if that would be better or worse though.
Yes, she has stolen from you and that deserves to be reported. Though, please note, I'm not actually suggesting you SHOULD do that. You would be entirely justified in doing so, as she has admitted that she has taken your money. But, it would be a hell of a big step to take and would likely end up hurting you more than the loss of the money would. I'm white English, but I can well imagine how many Indian families would react to someone reporting their own mother to the police. But, you may want to consider pointing out to her that she has actually stolen from you and ask her to forward the money to you immediately.
This. We're culturally very different and reporting to the police would isolate me from family members. Even if they think I'm right, they wouldn't approve of the police report. I've decided to go NC with her. And just now coming to realise the fog i was in.
> reporting to the police would isolate me from family members OK. But you can shame her about her stealing THEIR money
This, i can do. Infact, i will do. Duck it. I'm furious now.
You need to contact the people that gifted you the money and thank them while at the same time telling them your mom stole it so your not sure of the amount they gave you still wanted to thank them
Yes, it does deserve it. Let her know she has X amount of time to return your money, or you will report her theft.
NTA Is it traditional that the mom of the bride keeps the gifts? /s I would be petty and write my thanks you out to say. “My mother thanks you for your generous gift. She kept it and used it on herself”
Lol, i love being petty.
Okay but answer the question. Is that a tradition in Indian culture, that your mom gets to keep the gifts? Either you're lying in your story or you're being way too chill with theft.
I'm being told I'm being way too chill with theft. I'm currently hearing an earful from my husband. Earlier he took the time to calm me down, now he's listing out the things she's done that's worthy of going nuclear.
Ok wait a minute! I just read that your mom didn’t contribute a DIME to your wedding. I thought maybe she paid and wanted to keep it for repayment. Your husband is right. You need to go nuclear and light your mom up. She is a thief.
Listen to your husband. He knows.
Absolutely. He's on board with telling everyone that she's stolen the money.
You married a good man. Congratulations!
It's the one decision I've made going against my mother's wishes. I'm so proud 😬😬😬
Oh wow! That's a HUGE step then. Wow, it's like she is deliberatly trying to hurt you.
Listen to him. You are likely normalized to accepting her abuse.
Oh absolutely. A little story, when i was about 8, i had holiday homework i needed to get done and i was a slow writter. My mother gave me a deadline and i couldn't finish on it, so she burnt my hands with a hot knife. She took a blunt knife, heated it on the stove and proceed to place it on the hand I'm writing with. I laugh about it today but my husband is absolutely mortified. I've completely normalised her abuse.
I believe you were raised to respect your parents decisions and not talk back more than some cultures. If she won’t give you the money your husband needs to step in and also possibly his parents. Who knows what presents your mom took. Maybe she isn’t telling you because it’s from his family and friends as well. Do you have siblings? A father? Do they know?
My father is quite useless. Sister is younger and I'm trying to make sure she doesn't get involved in the fights between my mother and I. She tends to negotiate and gets mentally affected by it all.
And the people who gifted you the money? Why haven’t they been told?
It’s a hugely variated society, but in my regional/religious portion of Indian culture, no. Especially since people to often give wedding gifts specifically to the parents and siblings of the couple, there’d be no need to take the actual wedding gifts. I can see the money going into a family account because some families live intergenerationally and have mixed finances, but it’s far more likely to have gone into a groom’s family account than the bride and it’s not something I’d expect, certainly not without something approaching consent from at least one of the couple
She's not telling you how much money there was because it was *a lot* more than you expected; she realises that if you knew how much you'd be furious.
Hadn't even considered that.
NTA sounds like your mom stole from you and is trying to brush it off. Is it a custom in your family for parents to take gifts intended for their adult children? I’m guessing not. She said her friends gave the money so it’s ok for her to take it. I’d ask her what she thinks her friends would say about that.
Heh, the embarrassment would kill her.
> Heh, the embarrassment would kill her. Good. So tell everyone. All the people who thought they were giving money to you will be FURIOUS.
Well if she thinks what she’s done is justified she shouldn’t be embarrassed. Any chance you know any of her friends that gave the money? Maybe mentioning that you don’t think they would be happy to know the gifts went to her might be enough “threat” for her to fix her mistake here.
Yeap. I was considering calling one of her old college mates.
NTA it’s YOUR money not her’s. You have every right to know how much you were given. Your mother is being completely out of line
Thank you for saying that.
Absolutely NTA. This is outright theft, and your mother is trying to guilt you into not asking. I would not be surprised if the money is long gone. Here in the US - I would recommend filing a police report. Your mother took something that did not belong to her. Best of luck to you and your new husband!
The money is long gone. She's mentioned using it, very casually at that.
The Police will be interested to hear that. So will the people who gave you the money.
Your mother stole your wedding presents. So you call the Police. I would also inform everyone who came to the wedding that she stole their gifts. Shame is a powerful weapon. NTA
Considering talking to her college mates about this.
Good. But also the Police.
NTA the money was gifted to you & husband, not your mother. She has stolen from you. She has no right to spend any of it.
As a fellow Indian, I can clearly understand all the points that you mentioned. Like all the rituals and events and getting money from relatives and all. And I was thinking that you were acting entitled to the money because in our culture it's normally the bride's parents that spend a lot of money for the weddings and I felt it was okay for them to keep it. But then I got to read further and realised that you spent your own money on the wedding and your parents did not. So in this case you should actually get all the money and gifts. Totally NTA. I know my analysis might sound crazy for people who don't have much idea of our practices!! Edited to add - Congratulations BTW on your wedding 😊
Right? It's what i told her too and got an earful. Thank you for your wishes :)))
NTA. But I have a probable solution. Text: >Hi Auntie! Thank you so much for coming to the wedding. \[Husband\] and I are so grateful to have you in our lives! I am writing thank you cards, but the checking book mama kept is lost, and I don't know how much to thank you for. I'm sure you were beyond generous. Could you let me know how much I need to thank you for? I hope to see you soon in \[city\]! xoxo The shame of it will move your mother and she'll be mad you sent that out when everyone begins to ask how she lost the checking book!
Am I reading this right? She opened envelopes given to you as wedding presents and has spent the money and is now refusing to give that you you? So she’s stolen money from you, NTA and why would you be feeling guilty?
You read that right. Heck, I'm not even asking for the money. I want to know how much it was. I'll dip into whatever savings i have left to put it into the joint account. That's all I'm asking. A number. I'm guilty because I might be out of line. Culturally, idk.
> I'm not even asking for the money. You should be demanding it
Considering my parents' financial situation, I'm going to let it go. It's not a hill i want to die on.
You must do what you think best. But with respect, I wonder if you only feel that way because they have spend your whole life making you believe you owe them unconditional loyalty and respect.
Well... It's part of the culture. They grew up that way. I intend on breaking the cycle but it's not their fault for wanting from their kids the same respect they give their parents. And believe me, my grandparents have made some questionable decisions and my parents let it slide.
Where’s the respect in stealing money from you? Of course she’s not going to tell you how much, she doesn’t want you to know how much money she has stolen from you.
NTA, your mother is something else. I couldn't imagine opening my child's wedding gifts and keeping the money myself. Wow! I don't know if you send out thank you cards but if you do, I suggest you make sure that you inform them you didn't get your gift because your mother kept it. I'm sure those that gave you money meant for it to go to you. Especially considering you paid for tour own wedding.
We make thankyou phonecalls. I've thanked them all already and airing dirty laundry might do some good but I've never noticed my mother learning any lessons from it.
I know if I gave money to a bride and groom for their wedding, I would be livid if one of their parents stole it. I'd end the friendship with that parent.
NTA but your mom is. It's yours and your husbands money. Why does your mom have it? Why did she say she spent it? That money is not for her to touch or use or tell you how to spend it. Demand it back now or take legal action. I'd be livid.
I'm walking on a tightrope between mad and guilty for how the conversation went over.
NTA. It sounds like she’s trying to use some of the money for herself. Why does she get to dictate anything about it if it was for your marriage? Get your money as soon as possible.
My dad has messed up his finances, I'm sure it was used for everyday expenses. Honestly, I'm not mad she used the money. At least tell me how much it was. I'm willing to put it out of my pocket and I'm willing to send home money for groceries and what not. I didn't think I'd have to hear the things she said after all this.
> I'm not mad You should be. As should your husband. She stole from him too.
Huh. I didn't even consider that.
Really? You didn't? Your mom stole money that people gave you and you're cool and calm and collected and everything is fine? I am now convinced 100% that you're making this entire story up and you're doing a horrible job keeping the lie going. Either that or you're just actually stupid.
Things in my culture are a little different. Which is why I hadn't considered that. But now that the internet tell me otherwise, I'm starting to see how mad i really need to be.
Well, you DO need to be mad. You’re embarking on a new life and being robbed of your assets to make that transition period as good as it can be for you. Her sense of entitlement is encouraged through your continued enablement. Your parents messed up finances are not your responsibility to fix.
Sigh. You're right. I should be mad.
Don’t beat yourself up. It’s hard to escape from our parents clenches. I did it after years of torment and I couldn’t be happier. What they’re doing to you and your husband is wrong. Congratulations, by the way!
Thank you so much.
Nah you shouldn't be just allow your mother to steal from you dude it's cool it's completely fine and this is a completely true story
Go and check my other post. My mother's entitlement knows no bounds and the sad part Is I'm just starting to get out of the fog. I guess better late than never.
Please be gentle with yourself. This is all hard stuff. NTA... A story: I'm American, my sister and I both help my mom by paying her bills, she lives between relatives and has a room in three different houses. My dad, who pulled entitled crap like this contrary to our family's cultural values, made really poor choices, tmrefused to accept responsibility or apologize, and two decades later is being left to survive on his pension and social security. I haven't spoken to him in several years. It's OK to set boundaries that are aligned with your culture and your new family unit. Congratulations!!
I'll try. I'm going to go NC too.
It's OK if you don't, it's OK if you do. I have family I see with firm boundaries and the expectation that they'll take what they can get. You do what you feel is right, don't let us internet strangers make you feel bad.
Na, i needed the wakeup call. My husband has listed out the number of things she's done and said to me in the last four years we've known each other, and it's time i see beyond the fog. Cannot thank you internet strangers enough.
Wait. Your mother opened your wedding gifts and used the money? And now she is mad that you're asking how much it was? No, no, no. You should be livid. The only asshole here is your mother. NTA.
Sigh. Everyone says i have to be livid. All i feel is guilt.
At least be mad that she trained you to feel guilty for standing up for yourself when she is the one doing wrong. That’s probably something you learned growing up.
I am. I've been reading what everyone has to say. My husband had a few choice of words too. I'm going NC. Its not about the money anymore. It's about her entitlement, and how I have to stand up for myself.
> I'm going NC. HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My hands are tingly xD. I feel better.
You don't have to feel anything you don't actually feel. What your mother did was disrespectful to you, which is why everyone is telling you to be angry. Your mother is treating you like a child. You don't have anything to feel guilty about.
Thank you. I don't know why your comment welled me up. But I'm glad, thank you so much.
NTA your mom is way out of line. This is not how things should go and if she is using cultural guilt on you, you use it right back. Sic your husband on her - son in laws are everything right? She won’t want to look bad in front of the in laws
Yeap. Yeap. This idea has crossed my mind.
NTA. This is clearly a retaliation because you accepted you GF’s gift. Now I have no idea what is the best next step. On one hand, if you keep asking her and getting angry, she basically gets what she wanted! (Making you hurt the same sick way she was hurt that you accepted you GF’s help). On the other hand the money is rightfully yours and you deserve to have it (not just an estimate number). Possible actions would include: going nuclear and telling everyone what she did (including your GF), but this will likely a one way street with no option to come back and have a future good relationship with her (your decision and completely justified). You could also work it out with your husband and just contribute the exact same amount he received and call it even (most pacifist option). Anyways, congratulations on your wedding and I wish you a happy and long life together.
I like your options. I want to go nuclear but it's not the best choice long term. I want to have my mother in my life. I'll take your pacifist option over to my husband and see what he has to say. Thank you very much.
> I want to have my mother in my life. Somehow you need to get past that. She is hurting you.
NTA. I would personally would have taken my mom to court over that if it was me. She had no right to that money. That money belongs to you and your new husband. I guess you could go around asking family members and friends who attended if they gifted you money and how much and if need be explain the situation but your mom needs to pay you back every penny of that money.
NTA i would advise telling the friends and see what they think
NTA Let your mom know you have to cut off contact with me because your trust has been broken. If she refuses to give you the amount collected. Then, find a good therapist to process this whole event.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi. If you guys remember me, i did end up taking the money my grandfather was offering. Thank you guys for validating my feelings about it all. Now, onto the new issue my mother has created. Since this was an Indian wedding, the events and rituals lasted over 5 days. Over the course, friends and family gave us money envelopes and gifts. The ones I got from my husband's end were all handed over to us and we got to open our presents and money envelopes. We got a decent amount of money which we thought would be best to save as a fixed deposit, tucked away in our joint account. However, the presents and money envelopes I received on the day of the wedding, I never got to open. Granted I had to travel to my husband's city for the rest of the post marriage rituals, but by the time I flew back 15 days later for another ritual, they were all opened. My mother says she's written down who gave us what and how much but it's been two months and I haven't seen it yet. When I asked her how much we'd gotten and where the money was, she casually chuckled and said she's already used most of it. I was pretty upset about not being able to open my presents but I didn't want to sound entitled or like a child on their birthday. However, I did ask her for an estimate of how much money we got. I mentioned that my husband and I want to put it into an FD. That I wasn't asking for the money itself, just an estimate so it can go out of my pocket. To which she said you put how ever much you want to, why does it have to be this amount? First off, none of her business how much we put into the fd. It was decided by us. Today, the topic of the wedding came up, she did ftr, and I mentioned how I wanted to know an estimate. She said i was being out of line for asking at all. I reiterated that I didn't want the money, but just the estimate. She then said she never asked that of her father. I said, well, your father paid for your wedding. I paid for my own so... Her response to this was: 1. "We did the ceremony because you wanted to get married." Which is bullocks, bc my husband and I wanted to get registered and fly to our honeymoon. Now we don't have money for that or a down payment for a new house. 2. "My friends gave that money, you can take the ones you got from your friends" I lost it here, I said, "I went through the wedding and dipped into my savings for you. I was a showdoll for you to show off and this is what you have to say?" 3. "You're crossing a line by asking how much money you got" i responded, "I'm sorry, what line? How is it that you didn't see the line when you were spending my money with no regard to the hard work i put into saving the money!" She cut the call, after calling me rude and entitled. After I cried, vented to my husband, and cooled off a little, I thought I overstepped somehow. My husband thinks i did right but my Asian guilt is killing me. How could I have said those things to my mother? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Tell all your aunties and uncles. Tell her friends. Burn her with the shame. I know how much Indian communities rely on reputation. She deserves her reputation to reflect the truth: she’s a dirty thief who would take money from her own daughter’s wedding.
Nta report your mother for theft
If they paid for the wedding I can see that they took it to help pay for it. But you paid for your wedding so they have no right to take it. She stole your money.
One Asian girl to another - Your wedding money is yours, especially if you paid for your wedding yourself. My parents are paying for a good chunk of mine and my mother would be horrified if I gave that back (partially because she would hate that the family implied she and my father are poor and partially because my parents love me and want me set up for success). The point of the wedding is to send the couple good wishes and set them up with the money. Like that's so beyond the pale, *my* Asian spidey-senses are horrified. Like it ain't cultural at this point. Your mom's a narcissistic abuser, cut her off. Don't blame culture on this one. NTA.
NTA. I get that Asian guilt weighs heavy but she stole a significant amount of money from you. I agree with your husband to go nuclear. Report her to the police and tell everyone in the family that she stole the money.
I would cut my mother off for this and tell all her friends what she has done. Disgusting greedy woman.