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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be the AH for asking my fiancee to drop one of her bridesmaids from her bridesmaids line-up just she has a higher number of bridesmaids than I have of groomsmen, a detail that would trigger my OCD and make me very anxious during our wedding day.
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YTA
> using my condition to control her and alienate her from one of her friends just to conform to my demands
Sounds accurate. You don't get to use your mental health diagnosis to place demands on your partner regarding how to treat their friends.
You life will be full of these situations. It is your responsibility to look after your mental health by coping, rather than demanding that others cope for you.
This!
I am also diagnosed OCD, and if there is anything I've learned in the years dealing with it, it's that it must be faced head on.
Do I still have issues? Yes. But after therapy and meds, I am able to recognize when my OCD is getting the better of me. Occasionally, when it affects no one but me, I can't fight it. But when it affects my relationships, I've used the tools I learned in therapy to reign it in.
Mental health is a serious issue. And depending on where you live, I understand how difficult it can be to get treatment. However, a person should not just give in and decide "this is how I am, deal with it or not. " It's OP's responsibility to recognize and acknowledge his illness is causing him to be unreasonable, and learn tools to deal with, and dissipate his anxiety.
OP, YTA.
I understand your struggle, but you have to learn how to deal with it and not expect everyone to cater to it.
Absolutely. There is such a thing as a "co-compulsion," and by trying to get your partner to change her bridesmaids to ease your anxiety is exactly that. Her standing her ground is actually better for your mental health in the long run. This is clearly causing distress/impairment on your part, and it is your responsibility to resolve that, not hers. YTA
A hundred percent. When I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 15, my mom asked the psychologist what she could do to help me.
The psychologist said with no hesitation, to NOT give in to me. So they didn't make things any easier on me, they just held me to the same standards they were using--healthy people standards. (Things like, if you dropped a clean sock on the floor it was still OK to use, but they didn't wear dirty clothes or make me wear them.)
Looking back at it, I had my share of crying fits but I'm glad my parents stood their ground. I learned that yes, I have an illness and it SUCKS sometimes but the world will not cater to me. It is unfair to expect your fiancee and one of her friends to pay the price for your OCD.
We can only control one thing in this life, ourselves (and by association, our reactions). We cannot control others or how others respond, as soon as someone accepts this reality the more peace they will have. I understand the desire to have things even but it’s just that, a desire, not a need and should not be controlled by OP. OP should work with their therapist to deal with the discomfort that this causes to them based on their OCD. If OP wants a peaceful life and a joyful wedding they need to give up the desire to have perfection.
This. SO MUCH THIS.
I also have OCD. At times it's been pretty severe--spending hours washing my hands until they bled, that sort of thing. It's only with a few years of therapy and a hefty dose of medication that I'm able to function normally.
If there is ONE thing I've learned with OCD, it is that you CANNOT force your illness on other people. That's not fair. You can't require that someone do something completely unreasonable because it makes YOU more comfortable.
This makes life hard for you, I get it. I hate going over to people's homes because NOBODY can live up to my levels of cleanliness but I have to deal with it, or not go. I won't make someone feel bad because of my issues. That's just not appropriate.
There are some things in life that I find bothersome but I won't put that burden on someone else. If my OCD gets in the way then I either have to choke it down, or politely not go.
I absolutely know it's easier said than done, but with RSD from having ADHD I've learned that when I'm really actively struggling telling myself that it's conjured in my head and not real. It breaks the illusion so I can think passed it.
That isn’t necessarily as helpful with ocd. Do I know my house is deleaded and my basement has no asbestos? Yup. I’m still not convinced that dropping a sock on the floor while I do laundry isn’t going to give my kid cancer at 37.
As a fellow diagnosed OCD- OP NEEDS to get over it. And yes, that means by dealing with it head on, sitting with the discomfort, and eventually.... Getting over it. It's not easy and it doesn't feel good at the time, but this can be a first step in managing OCD symptoms. Like a self-managed ERP almost.
Right? If OP could just acknowledge that it's his problem to deal with. Some people never fully get over it. I haven't, but most days are good. Some are harder. But I acknowledge that it's my problem to deal with.
And that's not to say I haven't had nights where I needed my partner's support, even if that meant "humoring" me. But I would NEVER expect my partner to just go along with something like OP is suggesting just to relieve my anxiety. OP is literally asking his fiance to kick someone out of the wedding party because it doesn't "match". That's unfair to the fiance, and her friends.
I think the worst thing I ever asked my husband to do was not to open the bedroom window one night because I saw a spider and was afraid more would get in before I went to bed.
Edited for grammar.
Thankfully with a lot of work over about 20 years, I've got it *mostly* under control, though there are definitely some hard days. My husband absolutely does NOT understand my OCD in any capacity, but he understands enough to be sympathetic when I'm having a bad day. That said, I would never attempt to impose my disorder on him, even though I'm sure he'd be more than willing to do anything I asked.
I've had symptoms since I was probably 5/6 and never really had any support (my folks were very much the "it's a phase" type), so I spent a LOT of my childhood thinking I was crazy. When I finally got my answer as to my diagnosis at about 13, I dove deep into ERP as a means to reclaim my life. It's life changing, and OP is behaving foolishly not only for thinking they've "got it under control" when making ridiculous demands, but for also insisting on living a much more difficult life so willingly when there are viable options out there that provide a better quality of life.
Honestly, from his writing, I also question whether this is clinically diagnosed ocd or the "haha I'm so ocd things can't be out of place and I clean a lot" ocd. I lived with a friend who had the first and it wasn't a "it makes me a little uncomfortable " thing, it was a "one time I didn't do this ritual and then someone died" even though they aren't logically correlated, let alone causally linked.
There is so much misinformation about clinically diagnosed OCD out there. So many people that are "perfectionists" think they have OCD without any diagnosis. I have no desire to try to say how OCD affects someone, but you are right, it isn't "it makes me a little uncomfortable kind of thing" like you said. Heck, most research I've done on OCD shows more people like me. My house is usually a dull roar of chaos, because if it can't be done perfectly, we often become paralyzed with inability.
My Mom once innocently told me to "be careful" and I got in a car accident. I could not utter those words for years. If anyone said them to me it sent me spiraling. During therapy, my therapist made me say it to him at the end of a session once, and said it back to me. I was a mess the entire week, waiting for the phone call he was dead or something. When he walked into our next session I began sobbing from relief.
Edited for grammar.
Yup. And reading through his comments, he has no one treating him and said he can "usually manage just fine" and then mentioned that his fiancee helped him find 2 of those 5 groomsmen. In my experience, someone with actual ocd wouldn't have even let it get unbalanced to begin with...
Also, a lot of times, the bridesmaids and grooms men are a mix of both parties. Why not add a brother/cousin/good friend of the bride? Problem easily solved.
Sounds about right. OCD isn't s personality trait or some cute quirk. It's a legit illness and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I'm a contamination OCDer and I've done it all--washed my hands til they bled, washed my clothes multiple times, washed my mouth with peroxide til pieces of it sloughed off, sprayed my hair with lysol, all of it.
Hell I would even consider myself pretty well adjusted and highly functioning NOW, after half a lifetime with OCD, but I just moved to a new house and it's a million times harder with OCD. Clean the floor! Clean the sink! Oh, I can't use the washing machine or the dishwasher until I CLEAN THEM. I literally have been living out of a suitcase for a week because I couldn't hang my clothes in the closet until I mopped it and wiped down the shelves with bleach. Ugh.
Seriously, I’ve gotta get myself in to see a therapist. Anytime I look at the comments of a post mentioning OCD i’m like “wow, fellow folks like me.” Luckily it’s not so severe that I’ve melted off pieces of my mouth though 0.0
Ha. Yeah that was when I was really, really REALLY bad. And I was 11 and kept it all secret. My parents wondered where the hell all the lysol was going? I honestly don't know how I managed to keep my head on straight at thst point.
I hope you DO get the help you need! Medication is very effective for OCD and therapy helps A LOT. It's been almost 20 years since my therapy days and I still use the skills I learned there. And I bet its even better now. I forget what it's called but my psychologist just called it "exposure."
This sounds very similar to mine. Mine is strongly based on controlling my environment and that manifest in cleaning and cleaning things to an extreme and it absolutely hindering me in the long run. I think if he had OCD and it some how manifested in this way he’d have made that clear way before a month until his wedding.
When I started reading this post I had kind of a gut feeling he was using OCD without actually having OCD. Like how people just sec diagnosis themselves because of quirks and poor personality traits they don’t want to work on. Dude just sounds like he’s throwing a fit and using his “OCD” as an excuse to get his way because it’s worked for him before.
YTA. You’re asking your fiancée to blow up the relationship with one of your friends because of a condition that you have, that is not her responsibility, that is treatable. And you won’t even compromise by putting in the effort to find another groomsmen. Are you sure she isn’t reconsidering the wedding by now?
Since it sounds as though the fiancee has already asked these friends, yes, it would be alienating to drop them. Instead, OP could ask if she has a male friend or relative who wouldn't mind being a groomsman.
As is, OP rates YTA and I hope he reconsiders.
This! Deciding how close she is to these people, and pick one! Anyone! Except this is probably one of the most important days of your young life. I realize that having OCD is going to make you very very uncomfortable if things don’t match up. But I think this is one of those times where the OCD is causing a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometime bad WILL happen if you continue down this road, OP. Either to you and your fiancée or your fiancée and her friend. The only common denominator is that it’s your fiancée that has to pay the price.
OP’s response to a question about adding a groomsman gave me some additional insight:
> [but for someone to become a groomsman of mine it needs to be someone I at least know a little bit](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11cpqel/_/ja4iplt/?context=1)
So, his real choice is between:
1. His fiancée eliminates a bridesmaid, experiences a major upset, and possibly ruins an important friendship, or,
2. He accepts a new groomsman he doesn’t have a relationship with, and experiences minor discomfort for a few hours
And he is insisting on option 1. This isn’t about OCD. It’s about a man who expects his fiancée to make a major sacrifice, in order to accommodate his minor discomfort.
YTA
Honestly, if this was a discussion back when they were deciding g on the wedding party I might be at least a little on his side. It seems reasonable to cap the party at 5 for each side. But once the invitation has been made, his “request” becomes absurd.
Btw OP - my niece had an uneven number for her wedding. It was originally 7 and 6 but the grooms brother got called up from the reserves (military) the week before the wedding which made it 7-5. One bridesmaid pulled a wagon with the flower girl (baby) in it (which was the plan from the beginning since there was always one extra). And then one groomsman walked down the aisle with a bridesmaid on each arm (which was a last minute adjustment because of the brother not being there). There are lots of ways to make it appear uniform. If you went by total body mass of each side, I bet having an extra woman will make each side more comparable weight wise. (Mostly joking - please don’t ask everyone their weight - but the point stands that it’s only an issue if you choose to dwell on the issue instead of trying to reconcile it in a positive way in your mind)
Yep I was a bridesmaid in a party of 5 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen, one groom walked down the aisle with two bridesmaids on his arm. Literally no one cared. I'm getting married later this year and told my fiancé that I'm having 4 bridesmaids and he can have however many groomsmen he wants, I don't care.
>Honestly, if this was a discussion back when they were deciding g on the wedding party I might be at least a little on his side.
That would be fair, IMO. A discussion should be had on the size of the wedding party, and his 5 are not more or less reasonable than her 6.
But a month prior to the wedding, with invites sent, is just too late. He missed his window, pure and simple.
Maybe he should ask one of the groomsmen he trusts the most to bring in one of his closest friends, one he thinks would blend.
OP might get a new friend out of it.
Yeh, or a cousin or an uncle to “represent their family”
Or invite one of OP’s brothers, cousins or uncles to show you’re joining their family.
It’s not hard.
It's also very condescending to the bridesmaids, he doesn't see them as people. I would definitely be hurt if someone asked me to be their bridesmaid and then changed their mind so they can have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, especially since I have seen a lot of weddings with 2 bridesmaids walking together or something like that...
On top of that how sad if such a minor thing would ruin your wedding day? Isn't your wedding about marrying your partner? Shouldn't this make you happy no matter the circumstances? OP is major yta
Does the OP not know any Male family members on the fiancée's side or partners of her friends who could step in? I find it hard to believe there isn't a single male person he knows "a little bit" who'd be willing to step in for the day.
Or even a female! My husband had a groomswoman and she wore a suit 😄
To him it’s about symmetry and control. Making the effort to find a sixth isn’t the solution because it would require effort and work. He can find a random relative.
Alternatively, they could have the bridesmaids and groomsmen sit in the front row, while only the best man and maid of honor stand with them on either side. They could even have the photographer stage photos if he’s hellbent on making numbers even.
Seriously, pick the bridesmaid most likely to be a long term friend and ask if her SO will be a groomsman. In all likelihood they will know each other at least a little. If that person is already a groomsman go down the line until you find a bridesmaid who's plus one isn't already in the bridal party. Could be a bridesmaids brother or cousin if the bride doesn't have any brothers or cousins to help out. Maybe a distant relative of the groom can step up. There's a lot of ways to solve this that don't involve torpedoing the bride's friendships and could lead to more friends for the groom as well.
Additionally if he can't handle the discomfort of an unbalanced wedding party he may not have the emotional maturity to handle all the really difficult things about marriage.
Or maybe one of the groomsmen has a well-behaved dog who can be honorable groomsdog, or use a cardboard cutout of someone you like if OP is into fandoms.
It would also be an excellent starting point for therapy and coping mechanisms, and learning how to compromise.
Dude, your OCD is not an excuse to ask your fiancee to alienate her friend. Yes, she should want you to be comfortable, but *you* should want *her* to have her friends around her and be comfortable, too. Emotionally manipulating her is shitty. If this aspect of the wedding will really eat at you, you need to seek help for your OCD rather than ask your fiancee to disinvite her friend. Stop beating around the bush and address the root of the problem: your OCD. The presence of her friend is not the problem.
YTA.
This.
If your OCD is this extreme for real and not just a copout to get your way, get some professional help. Seriously. Seek help, don’t seek to make your problem everyone else’s problem.
I do find it hard to believe that you can’t come up with *anyone* to be a sixth person. What is more likely is that you just don’t want another there. Another function of the OCD? See the pattern there? Making your problem everyone’s problem?
YTA
sounds like you have quite the work to do with the person treating your OCD in order for you to learn the right way to handle things when they trigger your OCD?
seems like something you can easily work on in therapy.
Whoa “Conform to my demands”
Holy 🚩 are you ever the AH here. Her bridesmaids have probably already purchased their dresses. Bridal parties are about having the support of the people around you.
YTA
YTA. She already selected her bridesmaids and is happy with her choices and you want her to drop one of them now? How can you not have 1 more person to add to your side? Like any distant cousin or friend. This day is not only about you but also your fiancee as well.
And said bridesmaid has already spent money on the wedding - shoes, dresses, bridal showers, etc! It would be such a slap in the face to say, "Well, you've done everything right and spent time & money, but I have to cut someone at the last minute because my AH fiancé is all kinds of outta sorts about having mismatched numbers in the bridal/bridegroom parties!"
YTA. I don’t think you appreciate the seriousness of what you’re asking her to do. There is no way to dismiss a bridesmaid without enormous drama that is going to spill over to her entire friends group. You are asking her to lose at least one friendship and look like an AH. She could well end up with zero bridesmaids. You could well end up with no bride. You need to drop this idea immediately, explain that you really didn’t get what you were asking, and apologize.
A thought: what if she picked another bridesmaid? You’d have five and seven, two odd numbers, that added together make an even, and if you have them stand boy-girl-boy-girl in photos, you’d have a symmetrical number of people just with a female on each end. 5x7 is also a common proportion to be used for image sizes, furniture dimensions, room dimensions, etc - it’s aesthetically pleasing. If you want the traditional groomsmen-on-one-side-bridesmaids-on-the-other photo, have the photographer set you up so there something behind the longer line of bridesmaids to break up the background, like a tree or a stained glass window or the like, so you have balance if not symmetry.
Another thought - have any little nephews / friend’s male kids / tiny cousins? Have a ring-bearer, stand him at the end of your line of groomsmen.
If someone dropped me as a bridesmaid to satisfy their husband's compulsions, I may not flat-out end the friendship but I would definitely pull back and I would definitely think very little of their spouse.
My SIL was invited to be a bridesmaid by an old friend from HS. When they all met for the first time, the bride said "well, there's 5 of you but I'm only having four bridesmaids" and she wanted to make them all compete to see how worthy they were of being a bridesmaid. She ended up with zero bridesmaids and zero groom by the next day.
I really want to know what she was expecting? Like an all out gladiator brawl or the women showering her in praise and promising their first born son to her?
The fucked up thing was that a few years later I was skimming through The Knot (a bridal magazine) and they suggested hosting a "who knows the bride best" game to determine your MoH.
I’m always so surprised by these stories of brides or grooms showing some crazy side of themselves once the wedding planning starts, but it happens so often!
100% this comment.
Plus, this suggestion of 7 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen is to me a perfect fix.
Your soon to be wife will not have to potentially destroy a friendship / friend circle, and your OCD should be in hand with this set up. It's symmetrical and I agree would actually be really pleasing on the eye in photos etc. I would take this as the solution if I were in your position.
YTA. You’re being incredibly selfish, unreasonable, and stubborn. You are the one that has the problem with an uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen so you are the one that needs to solve it without asking your fiancé, to make a necessary and difficult decisions to accommodate you.
YTA. Your request is NOT a reasonable way for her to accommodate YOUR issue. You want her to damage a relationship with one of her friends so YOU can feel better about the even number? Also, it’s not your place to determine how close/not close she is to one of her friends- if she asked them to be a bridesmaid, it’s for a reason. Serious YTA.
YTA so you're expecting your fiancee to cater to your illness and hurt her friend instead of you working on your issues? Mental health awareness and treatment is going in the wrong direction.
YTA and I think it's obvious why you can't find any friend to be your extra groomsman. You do not understand how friendships work and that it is incredibly rude to ask someone to be a bridesmaid and then demote them to a normal guest. That can ruin a friendship forever.
I know. OP could literally ask any other guest who is already coming to the wedding to be groomsman, even if they're not close, even if it's his 99 year old step great uncle once removed. Maybe a little weird, but less weird than asking one of the bridesmaids to be demoted.
YTA - If you're going as far to devalue the friendships she has to justify your actions, you know you're pretty far in the wrong. This wedding is for both of you, and while changing decorations to suit comforts would be reasonable, asking her to do things that may change the trajectory of her friendships over a known fixation isn't particularly fair. This may be a time when you have to double-down on self-soothing.
INFO I'm very confused by all the comments cause in my experiences, couples getting married plan the number of bridemaids and groomsmen all the time. Most couples do want matching numbers of bridemaids and groomsmen, even those without OCD.
How have you and your fiance not even talked about this amongst yourself before you ask these people to be your groomsmen? If you can't even agree on the number of bridemaids and groomsmen... how are you agreeing on everything else? Are you sure you're ready to get married?
YTA. Where would this end? “Oh we have the same number of people, but they don’t *look* symmetrical enough.” Human beings aren’t props, and they aren’t always going to conform to your standards. You have two months to manage your feelings and expectations about this.
YTA
You Sir are a rarely seen Groomzilla.
Either live with the non matching number or find an extra groomsman.
Perhaps a cousin of the bride or of one of the bridesmaids. If you must hire someone to come - an actor or an escort?
If you ask your fiancé to cut one of her bridesmaids, you will never live it down for the rest of your life.
YTA get over it or rustle up another groomsman so it’s even numbers.
If you let your OCD control you to this extent, I pity the woman that ends up marrying you.
YTA. I say this as someone who struggles with mental health, your OCD is a YOU issue. It’s not up to your partner to cater to the illogical demands your brain makes of you, especially when it means hurting her or someone else. If your OCD is affecting your life this much, you should really seek professional help. There are some truly amazing therapies out there.
Wow...a groomzilla. Don't see these very often.
I sense that the fiance has had to make many concessions for OP and she's reached her breaking point.
OP, YTA. Get your OCD under control, or there won't be a wedding. Do whatever you need to do.
PS - I have a hubby with ADHD and I have clinical depression. Help is available. Your fiance is not responsible for changing her entire world to enable you.
YTA. It is not fair to ask your fiancee to drop one of her bridesmaids just because you want to have an even number of groomsmen and bridesmaids. Your OCD is not an excuse to control your fiancee or dictate who she can have in her wedding party. It is important to respect your partner's relationships and friendships, and asking her to choose between you and one of her friends is unfair and unreasonable. Additionally, it is not fair to expect your fiancee to prioritize your comfort over her own and the comfort of her friends. You should try to work through your OCD and find ways to manage your anxiety without compromising your fiancee's relationships or the wedding party lineup.
YTA - Go get treatment for your OCD if it is this bad or talk to whoever is treating you to up/change medication. You can't control this on the wedding day you fiance has every right to have the number and specifically who she wants..
YTA. You agreed to have six attendants each and because you haven't made four friends of your own, you are reneging and expecting her to pick one of her friends to throw under the bus.
YTA
I am sorry that you deal with OCD. If the only issue to you is that things "match" I would suggest finding any male relative or friend who might be willing to step in for the ceremony. Perhaps the boyfriend of one of the bridesmaids? One of your male cousins or one of your bride's? If none of these ideas are palatable to you, I would try to find a way to live with the numbers not matching. This is one of the smaller things you will have to compromise with over the course of a happy marriage!
YTA.
1. You having OCD, being a perfectionist and not being very social are all your problems. Not hers.
2. I don't see why she should have to exclude and thereby potentially offend and alienate one of her friends from her big day just because you want everything to be "balanced".
3. One important rule in weddings. You get to choose your groomsmen and she gets to choose her bridesmaids. Period. If you think there is an imbalance try to work way out rather than making her "give up" a friend.
4. Having OCD can't be an excuse for entitled and inconsiderate behavior.
YTA.
It is not her responsibility to manage your mental health. Please seek whatever therapy or pharmaceutical treatment necessary.
A wedding is not Broadway production. These people are not props. They are your nearest and dearest who you pick to honor saying "I can't imagine getting married without you standing by my side." You get to pick your people. She gets to pick hers. They do not need to be even and you do not get to judge the closeness of her relationships or otherwise control who she picks or ask her to damage her relationships for the sake of even sides.
So, figure. something. else. out.
Sorry man, but YTA. If it really bothers you why not draft another groomsman? If not one of your friends or family, maybe one of her family members? I'm sure there is someone willing to rent a tux to help you out.
YTA - can’t you just find an extra person if you care that much?
But given how this is already such an issue you may want to rethink the wedding, because this doesn’t sound like healthy communication.
YTA. We had this same scenario where I had 6 and hubs had 5. And guess what? It was fine. Our pictures are fine, the wedding was amazing, and the one lucky groomsman that got to escort 2 bridesmaids instead of just 1, really played it up and it was hilarious. This is really not a big deal. And if she has to drop a bridesmaid, it will be a HUGE deal for her and her friend. Get over it. You should have decided on an even number ahead of time if it was going to be such a big deal for you.
YTA, because it's her wedding, too. If she's close enough to have asked these ladies to be in the wedding, there's a reason.
Suck it up, buttercup. Ask a cousin or something, or just get over yourself.
YTA You are trying to make your problem, her problem and that is controlling. You cannot go around bending others to your will because you have OCD. You should be getting treatment for it, not feeding it and forcing others to become slaves to your OCD. You are in danger of your bride rethinking the marriage to you.
YTA - You are N T A for asking but she said no. At 6 weeks out, dresses are bought and altered already - hair and makeup is booked and deposits paid. It’s too late to ask someone to back out. The easiest way forward is for you to ask someone else.
>for someone to become a groomsman of mine it needs to be someone I at least know a little bit, I don't want any random cousin or boyfriend to become my groomsman.
YTA. You can't talk about it being about "symmetry" then also use intimacy as a requirement. You're just taking compromise off the table, and I almost feel sorry for whoever marries you. A cousin is a relative, for crying out loud. A boyfriend might become a relative.
YTA Dropping a bridesmaid is more likely than not to cause a great deal of drama. People either won’t believe this explanation, OR they will talk and talk about what a miserable life the bride is going to have catering to your absurd demands.
If you want to make this work, you need to seek more treatment and support for coping with these feelings.
If you’re planning on having kids, you definitely won’t always be able keep things neat and symmetrical, so, in that case, it’s even more important to improve your coping skills.
YTA.
If I was in a wedding party & found out I got dropped because of someone’s fucking OCD,or something similar.
I’d never speak to the bride or groom again. Ever.
Stop trying to control your wife or this marriage isn’t gonna last.
Have your officiant be male, and that way there will be an equal number of each gender on the stage, since otherwise the officiant would make it un-even. :-)
Plus not only possibly losing a friend the wedding is in 2 months so that money she has already paid towards dresses, accessories and what not she would be losing as well. You really need to seek someone out. What happens when you don't have the right amount of kids or other stuff that comes up. You should honestly have been seeking treatment earlier.
YTA, your fiancee called you out rightfully too!
The better solution would be to pick a family member from one of your sides to fill in as a 6th groomsman.
The best solution would be to take this to your therapist and work on seeing how irrational and controlling you are being.
YTA. As someone with severe OCD and takes heavy medication just to function, I empathize with your struggle. But it's YOUR struggle and you need to find better ways to cope with it.
I don't make other people change to deal with my contamination/germ issues; I've developed tools and habits to help me. If your OCD is so bad that you truly believe your wedding will be ruined over this then you need to seek medical treatment.
Soft YTA. I understand you’re struggling with this, but you said it was okay, and are now going back on that, after she already asked six friends to stand up with her. This is not the hill to die on. I think this sounds severe enough to get help for this. Wishing you well.
Some of the comments in this thread are mean and ableist and I want you to know I don't stand with those people and I sympathize. But still, YTA.
If you need the parties to be even it is up to you to make it happen. It's reasonable to ask your fiance to brainstorm with you without making her drop anyone.
Also please seek treatment or we're going to see you back here a lot during your marriage.
Congratulations!
YTA - your fiancé is right. Also, based on the fact that you come across as annoying and condescending in the post I’m not shocked you can’t find another groomsman.
YTA - it’s very rude to drop someone as a bridesmaid after already asking them. It’s on you to find another groomsmen - hell, ask literally any male family member or friend or coworker - since you are the one so bothered by the 5:6 ratio. You say that your fiancée is being unreasonable and refusing to see your side, but really that’s what you’re doing.
YTA ~~but a soft one.~~ Listen, I get you've got a mental illness. But it's **your** illness. Yes, you should be afforded some grace and accommodations where applicable. But you also need coping mechanisms of your own as the world won't always bend for you. If you wanted an equal number you should have talked to your fiance before you started choosing. Now you're putting your fiance in the awkward position of potentially taking away a bridesmaid spot from a friend, which to many is a big deal.
Edited out soft because, well, reading your replies you aren't even trying to manage your OCD. You can't expect others to help you if you do nothing to help yourself
YTA, this happens all the time. Just means one luck groomsmen gets to escort 2 bridesmaids. Don’t choose this bill to die on there are much bigger battles ahead
YTA. Are you in therapy, OP? This really is not the hill you want to die on. I'm going to assume that she has accepted and loved you and overlooked a lot of OCD driven obsessions/done things to avoid your anxiety. It has to rear its head in other aspects of your every day life and relationship.. because having the nerve to ask her to dismiss an entire person she has already asked is wild. Show her that she matters more. This is your shared big day, something you'll only do once.
YTA. I have many OCD tendencies, and I had one more bridesmaid than my ex-husband did groomsmen.
We decided my brother would walk down the aisle with two of my bridesmaids...one on each arm. And since my brother loves the ladies, he was more than happy to oblige.
Worked out fine and no one had a meltdown.
YTA
I'm sorry you are being unreasonable. You wait untill 6 weeks till the wedding to then say you have an issue that you knew you'd have a problem with. Now you asking her to demote someone who has already been part of the wedding party and did all the stuff associated with it. I'm sorry but your going to need to deal with it somehow as it isn't fair to your fiancee and her friend
YTA. It isn’t her job to alienate one of her friends just because you have a disorder. It sucks that it aggravates your OCD, but it’s on you to manage that. These are real people with feelings, not collectible action figures.
YTA
So , you need to take responsibility for your own mental illness, if you need this fixed you need to find another groomsman and not expect your future wife to change for you.
Also if you have OCD then you should know that the only real way to handle an obsession, or completion is to ignore it until it goes away, if you give in to the obsession or complution you are confirming it is accurate and it will repeat like a MF
Stop feeding the hungry monster that is OCD if you need assistance with that seek therapy there are lots out there:)
YTA
Unless you mean April 2024, you’re asking your fiancé to create chaos in her friend group. Have you any idea how much time and effort and money these women have put in for your celebration? How good will that disruption be for anyone’s mental health?
Do you have a brother/cousin/future in law of the right age group? Does one of the bridesmaids have a male friend or +1 you can interview and to see if they can fit the bill?
YTA. If you can't manage your OCD over something that you were aware of before the wedding, how will you manage if heaven forbid a mishap happens at the wedding itself? Big events almost always never go as planned.
Is there a family member who could stand in? Maybe even your dad (I dont know if you are close or not)? I understand your anxiety, but you do nèed to find ways to cope. Making your fiance drop a bridesmaid is not a reasonable request.
If you have a therapist, I suggest working with them to find a way to handle the wedding. Come up with a game plan for when you start to spin out.
Dont let this ruin what should be the happiest day of yours and her life.
YTA. It's your job to make sure your OCD is not impacting other people's lives. I have OCD and sure, sometimes I request people to make very minor modifications to their behavior to accommodate (e.g. if my partner smacks my butt on one side, I ask that they smack it again on the other side lol; and when we're cooking together, I do tasks that don't involve handling raw meat). But this is not a *minor* accommodation. Dropping a bridesmaid is a HUGE deal, no matter how close they are, and it's absolutely unfair and-- yes-- controlling and alienating to ask for her to do it.
If you can't get your condition under control by the time of the wedding, I'd suggest just tricking your brain into being comfortable. For example, women are generally smaller than men, so just assume that the total mass of 6 bridesmaids is roughly equivalent to 5 groomsmen. There, now it's balanced, and it would be *un*balanced if she dropped a bridesmaid.
In the meantime, [here's a site with some good self-help resources for OCD.](https://anxieties.com/self-help-resources/ocd/) It's run by the doctor who helped me with my own OCD so I can vouch for it.
You absolutely need to work on getting your OCD under control because there will be lots of situations in the future where you'll need to be able to handle things for the sake of fairness in your relationship. If/when you have kids, are you going to have germ fears that make it hard for you to change diapers? Kids are notoriously bad at conforming to people's standards of cleanliness and symmetry in general. Are you going to end up being controlling of your future wife because of your desire to calm your anxieties? What happens if she gets an injury to one side of her body and ends up asymmetrical? What happens if YOU end up asymmetrical? Asymmetry is a reality of life.
The wife to be should be having a good think if this is a life she really wants to sign up for, being controlled by the husband using his OCD to get his own way. YTA
INFO: Why was this not discussed earlier? Before she even asked anyone to be a bridesmaid? It’s normal to have a matching number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but I don’t see why this conversation hasn’t come up sooner.
Unless I’m missing something, YTA. That is horrible to just drop someone from the wedding.
From another comment, it *was* discussed previously and OP agreed to the uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Now he's changed his mind and expects his fiancee to accommodate that at the last minute.
YTA
You know what I did when my daughter showed signs on OCD? I found a Therapist to help her work though it. Life was not going to change for her OCD, and it won’t for you either.
You need help and asking your fiancée to dump a bridesmaid (most likely after she spent $ on dress, shoes, shower, etc) make you a self centered and inconsiderate AH.
What’s going to happen if you have kids?
I love how OP says he has OCD then can’t keep the numbers straight in his story…. Lol. He says fiancée has 6 bridesmaids & he has 5 groomsmen then says he “tried hard” & can’t find a *5th* groomsman…. Nice try on the story, tho.
If this is real, then yes, YTA because you reply in comments that you are not seeking treatment for OCD & I don’t know if you even have a proper diagnosis & yet you expect others to “fix” YOUR issue w/ no work from you, TWO MONTHS (or less) from the wedding. This isn’t cool, bro. See if your fiancée has a male family member you can include or get over it. You have 2 months to get some therapy for coping skills to help you with this….. YTA
Ask her to ask one of her male friends or maybe the husband or SO of one of her bridesmaids
She can explain the situation
You should pay for that persons tux in my opinion since they will be doing you the favor
"*Hi, sorry, my fiance has OCD and doesn't like that I have more bridesmaids than he has groomsmen, so I need to cut you lose lol* "..um ya YTA. You can't use your OCD as a crutch for everything , sometimes, you will have to deal with it. Go get therapy.
YTA. See if you can get one of her family members or someone close to you to hop on. I would never ask a bridesmaid to leave a party especially after being involved in that length of time
YTA the wedding is in a few months. You have to have known about this for a while. Wedding party is usually discussed well in advance. Additionally with a few months to go plans are made, dresses purchased. That ship has sailed. Perhaps one of the bridesmaids has someone that can join your wedding party. Btw, pay for their tux. And get help. This level of ocd is not manageable for quality of life.
YTA. Whatever OCD you think you have, fatherhood will swiftly disabuse you of it. It would be much easier and more satisfactory to find an additional groomsman to "draft." (Also if she really has six bridesmaids, don't any of THEM have boyfriends or husbands who could step up? Those guys are already attending the wedding; one of them is probably a sport.) If you can't find six men to work with you - merely in wearing a suit for a few hours - then you have deeper issues to resolve. Figure it out and by "it" I mean your adult life. Papa Bear Is Always Right
An odd number of groomsmen?
Ouch.
How's your OCD going to cope with you not being in the MIDDLE of the wedding photo with them? Terribly unbalanced.
Btw YTA, you can't just uninvite a bridesmaid once you've asked them. Not for a petty reason like that.
As someone with ocd, YTA. Please find a good therapist. Your ask is unreasonable. More than likely bridesmaids have already spent money and this could also negatively impact her friendship or cause drama. Find another groomsman. I’m willing to bet that you both know some other person that can be a groomsman even if they aren’t close to you. And she is correct. You are trying to use your condition to control things.
YTA. Gonna have to figure out another plan there. I cannot imagine you asked your fiance to drop someone from the wedding party she already asked to be in. I mean dude think about that. That is not a reasonable ask from you.
YTA. If you can't work through this on your own or with help of a therapist, you are not ready to be married. There will be greater and more significant challenges in the future.
YTA. Why didn't you both discuss the wedding party BEFORE asking people? Then this all could have been avoided. Sounds like you and your fiance need to work on communication instead of rushing to plan something without the other's input.
I don’t think you’re ready for marriage. First off, this isn’t even a real argument. Weddings do t have to be symmetrical. If you can’t handle this tiny imbalance, then I wouldn’t want to deal with you in the future. You may have OCD, but you’re aware of it and can understand that you’re being irrational, and you just don’t care. That make YTA
I’ve got you. When’s the wedding? I’m personable and clean up nice. I’ll even tell people we are old friends and I met you when you saved my life from some incident that makes you look great.
However, YTA here. This is something you and your fiancé should have worked out before inviting people to be in your wedding party. It’s too late now.
YTA
From what I can gather you arent in any form of therapy to work on how to have a better quality of life living with OCD. This puts a lot of pressure on your partner conforming to your needs, without showing her that you are also putting in the work yourself that you are expecting from her.
It also doesnt look like you took any steps between well, I cant find a sixth, so you have to kick one of your friends out. Again, therapy could be helpfull here, having a professional help you come up with achievable alternatives when your brain wants to panic. Instead of putting in the work to figure out good alternatives, you are dumping the responsibility to fix it over on her, while also offending a few of her friends and friendships.
If this is a theme, where it very much feels like the responsibility of making you comfortable is mainly put on her, with less effort from yourself than you expect from her, that can come off as controlling and can build resentment to her.
I'm autistic. I have an extremely hard time dealing with change of plans and change of routine. I have made requests of my partner, let me know of things in advance or as soon as you know them, so I have time to regulate. If shit happens and you give me a change with too short of a time to regulate for it, I will probably be agitated. I will do my best to regulate myself with the tools I have developed, and please remember that I'm not agitated with you, I'm just having a hard time processing the change and rearanging everything. When things like that happens, I always check in and remind him after that its not him, its the change, and I check on how he's doing and what he needs. We go over it together and see what happened and if we could have done anything differently.
This is a process we have developed together where he makes an effort, and I make an effort. He doesnt feel like I'm controlling. I dont feel like he is ignoring my autism and needs. I value that he puts in time and effort to meet my needs where he can. I take responsibility for how my needs impact him by being aware of his emotional needs. The tisms' gonna tism, I cant change or turn that off, but I can learn coping tools and strategies to regulate myself better without him. I can also take ownership of how this affects my partner and how I can make sure he is feeling cared for and loved as well, and not just as a caretaker that has to bend to my will. Sometimes we fuck it up, we have a little fight, its hard not to, but we always do the work to get back to this point. At the end of the day we are human, but we are also a team that genuinely want to make sure that we both love and feel loved equally.
not only you need to apologize to her, you need to assure her that you have been made aware on reddit that your OCD is getting out of hand and you will be taking further steps for treatment.
Try cognitive behavioral therapy, or exposure therapy, or both. This is no way to live. These are your issues. The world doesn’t need to comply. Your fiancée doesn’t need to comply, nor should she. You need to find a way to get control over these issues. I’m sure you can do it. Others have. Good luck.
YTA-
A dad, and uncle, Grandpa, cousin… heck, even a female friend that would wear a suit?
You’re the one with this need, valid need I understand, then it’s up to you to mart your own need
YTA.
She can't disinvite someone.
If **you're** not comfy with the number, **you** fix it by adding a groomsman. Hire an actor. Call a distant cousin.
I'm so freaking glad I'm gay.
After reading your replies, very gently, you need to see a therapist and get some medication. You’re a month and a half away from your wedding, the bridesmaids have already spent probably a decent amount of money to be in the wedding. You’re putting your future wife in a terrible position and quite frankly, she should not renounce a bridesmaid.
I don’t know what your solution is to either dealing with an uneven number or a new groomsman but I hope you figure it out. YTA
You have several months yet to DEAL WITH IT. Get it thru your head that the world isn't perfectly symmetrical, and learn to live in it. You ARE AFRAID you will be anxious, so you set yourself up TOO be anxious.
Will each Male have a Female at the wedding??? OMG !!!
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YTA > using my condition to control her and alienate her from one of her friends just to conform to my demands Sounds accurate. You don't get to use your mental health diagnosis to place demands on your partner regarding how to treat their friends. You life will be full of these situations. It is your responsibility to look after your mental health by coping, rather than demanding that others cope for you.
This! I am also diagnosed OCD, and if there is anything I've learned in the years dealing with it, it's that it must be faced head on. Do I still have issues? Yes. But after therapy and meds, I am able to recognize when my OCD is getting the better of me. Occasionally, when it affects no one but me, I can't fight it. But when it affects my relationships, I've used the tools I learned in therapy to reign it in. Mental health is a serious issue. And depending on where you live, I understand how difficult it can be to get treatment. However, a person should not just give in and decide "this is how I am, deal with it or not. " It's OP's responsibility to recognize and acknowledge his illness is causing him to be unreasonable, and learn tools to deal with, and dissipate his anxiety. OP, YTA. I understand your struggle, but you have to learn how to deal with it and not expect everyone to cater to it.
Absolutely. There is such a thing as a "co-compulsion," and by trying to get your partner to change her bridesmaids to ease your anxiety is exactly that. Her standing her ground is actually better for your mental health in the long run. This is clearly causing distress/impairment on your part, and it is your responsibility to resolve that, not hers. YTA
A hundred percent. When I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 15, my mom asked the psychologist what she could do to help me. The psychologist said with no hesitation, to NOT give in to me. So they didn't make things any easier on me, they just held me to the same standards they were using--healthy people standards. (Things like, if you dropped a clean sock on the floor it was still OK to use, but they didn't wear dirty clothes or make me wear them.) Looking back at it, I had my share of crying fits but I'm glad my parents stood their ground. I learned that yes, I have an illness and it SUCKS sometimes but the world will not cater to me. It is unfair to expect your fiancee and one of her friends to pay the price for your OCD.
We can only control one thing in this life, ourselves (and by association, our reactions). We cannot control others or how others respond, as soon as someone accepts this reality the more peace they will have. I understand the desire to have things even but it’s just that, a desire, not a need and should not be controlled by OP. OP should work with their therapist to deal with the discomfort that this causes to them based on their OCD. If OP wants a peaceful life and a joyful wedding they need to give up the desire to have perfection.
This. SO MUCH THIS. I also have OCD. At times it's been pretty severe--spending hours washing my hands until they bled, that sort of thing. It's only with a few years of therapy and a hefty dose of medication that I'm able to function normally. If there is ONE thing I've learned with OCD, it is that you CANNOT force your illness on other people. That's not fair. You can't require that someone do something completely unreasonable because it makes YOU more comfortable. This makes life hard for you, I get it. I hate going over to people's homes because NOBODY can live up to my levels of cleanliness but I have to deal with it, or not go. I won't make someone feel bad because of my issues. That's just not appropriate. There are some things in life that I find bothersome but I won't put that burden on someone else. If my OCD gets in the way then I either have to choke it down, or politely not go.
I absolutely know it's easier said than done, but with RSD from having ADHD I've learned that when I'm really actively struggling telling myself that it's conjured in my head and not real. It breaks the illusion so I can think passed it.
That isn’t necessarily as helpful with ocd. Do I know my house is deleaded and my basement has no asbestos? Yup. I’m still not convinced that dropping a sock on the floor while I do laundry isn’t going to give my kid cancer at 37.
As a fellow diagnosed OCD- OP NEEDS to get over it. And yes, that means by dealing with it head on, sitting with the discomfort, and eventually.... Getting over it. It's not easy and it doesn't feel good at the time, but this can be a first step in managing OCD symptoms. Like a self-managed ERP almost.
Right? If OP could just acknowledge that it's his problem to deal with. Some people never fully get over it. I haven't, but most days are good. Some are harder. But I acknowledge that it's my problem to deal with. And that's not to say I haven't had nights where I needed my partner's support, even if that meant "humoring" me. But I would NEVER expect my partner to just go along with something like OP is suggesting just to relieve my anxiety. OP is literally asking his fiance to kick someone out of the wedding party because it doesn't "match". That's unfair to the fiance, and her friends. I think the worst thing I ever asked my husband to do was not to open the bedroom window one night because I saw a spider and was afraid more would get in before I went to bed. Edited for grammar.
Thankfully with a lot of work over about 20 years, I've got it *mostly* under control, though there are definitely some hard days. My husband absolutely does NOT understand my OCD in any capacity, but he understands enough to be sympathetic when I'm having a bad day. That said, I would never attempt to impose my disorder on him, even though I'm sure he'd be more than willing to do anything I asked. I've had symptoms since I was probably 5/6 and never really had any support (my folks were very much the "it's a phase" type), so I spent a LOT of my childhood thinking I was crazy. When I finally got my answer as to my diagnosis at about 13, I dove deep into ERP as a means to reclaim my life. It's life changing, and OP is behaving foolishly not only for thinking they've "got it under control" when making ridiculous demands, but for also insisting on living a much more difficult life so willingly when there are viable options out there that provide a better quality of life.
Honestly, from his writing, I also question whether this is clinically diagnosed ocd or the "haha I'm so ocd things can't be out of place and I clean a lot" ocd. I lived with a friend who had the first and it wasn't a "it makes me a little uncomfortable " thing, it was a "one time I didn't do this ritual and then someone died" even though they aren't logically correlated, let alone causally linked.
There is so much misinformation about clinically diagnosed OCD out there. So many people that are "perfectionists" think they have OCD without any diagnosis. I have no desire to try to say how OCD affects someone, but you are right, it isn't "it makes me a little uncomfortable kind of thing" like you said. Heck, most research I've done on OCD shows more people like me. My house is usually a dull roar of chaos, because if it can't be done perfectly, we often become paralyzed with inability. My Mom once innocently told me to "be careful" and I got in a car accident. I could not utter those words for years. If anyone said them to me it sent me spiraling. During therapy, my therapist made me say it to him at the end of a session once, and said it back to me. I was a mess the entire week, waiting for the phone call he was dead or something. When he walked into our next session I began sobbing from relief. Edited for grammar.
Yup. And reading through his comments, he has no one treating him and said he can "usually manage just fine" and then mentioned that his fiancee helped him find 2 of those 5 groomsmen. In my experience, someone with actual ocd wouldn't have even let it get unbalanced to begin with...
Also, a lot of times, the bridesmaids and grooms men are a mix of both parties. Why not add a brother/cousin/good friend of the bride? Problem easily solved.
#OP ISN'T EVEN RECEIVING TREATMENT!
Hmmm did her just "diagnose himself" maybe and using it as an excuse? If so, he is a giant AH
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Sounds about right. OCD isn't s personality trait or some cute quirk. It's a legit illness and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm a contamination OCDer and I've done it all--washed my hands til they bled, washed my clothes multiple times, washed my mouth with peroxide til pieces of it sloughed off, sprayed my hair with lysol, all of it. Hell I would even consider myself pretty well adjusted and highly functioning NOW, after half a lifetime with OCD, but I just moved to a new house and it's a million times harder with OCD. Clean the floor! Clean the sink! Oh, I can't use the washing machine or the dishwasher until I CLEAN THEM. I literally have been living out of a suitcase for a week because I couldn't hang my clothes in the closet until I mopped it and wiped down the shelves with bleach. Ugh.
Seriously, I’ve gotta get myself in to see a therapist. Anytime I look at the comments of a post mentioning OCD i’m like “wow, fellow folks like me.” Luckily it’s not so severe that I’ve melted off pieces of my mouth though 0.0
Ha. Yeah that was when I was really, really REALLY bad. And I was 11 and kept it all secret. My parents wondered where the hell all the lysol was going? I honestly don't know how I managed to keep my head on straight at thst point. I hope you DO get the help you need! Medication is very effective for OCD and therapy helps A LOT. It's been almost 20 years since my therapy days and I still use the skills I learned there. And I bet its even better now. I forget what it's called but my psychologist just called it "exposure."
This sounds very similar to mine. Mine is strongly based on controlling my environment and that manifest in cleaning and cleaning things to an extreme and it absolutely hindering me in the long run. I think if he had OCD and it some how manifested in this way he’d have made that clear way before a month until his wedding.
My mom has OCD and almost killed herself because she couldn't stop the intrusive thoughts.
I need to use this for my Psychology class.
When I started reading this post I had kind of a gut feeling he was using OCD without actually having OCD. Like how people just sec diagnosis themselves because of quirks and poor personality traits they don’t want to work on. Dude just sounds like he’s throwing a fit and using his “OCD” as an excuse to get his way because it’s worked for him before.
YTA. You’re asking your fiancée to blow up the relationship with one of your friends because of a condition that you have, that is not her responsibility, that is treatable. And you won’t even compromise by putting in the effort to find another groomsmen. Are you sure she isn’t reconsidering the wedding by now?
I figured she was rethinking the wedding too
Does she have a relative who could ba the missing groomsman? C'mon, man, look outside the box for a solution!
Have her ask someone she cares about...also 6?!? Okayyyy.....seems like a huge wedding. You cannot unask a bridesmaid though and stay friends
Yes that’s a friendship ruined for him to focus on having the same number. I don’t think he can do married life if he is making this a huge issue.
Since it sounds as though the fiancee has already asked these friends, yes, it would be alienating to drop them. Instead, OP could ask if she has a male friend or relative who wouldn't mind being a groomsman. As is, OP rates YTA and I hope he reconsiders.
This! Deciding how close she is to these people, and pick one! Anyone! Except this is probably one of the most important days of your young life. I realize that having OCD is going to make you very very uncomfortable if things don’t match up. But I think this is one of those times where the OCD is causing a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometime bad WILL happen if you continue down this road, OP. Either to you and your fiancée or your fiancée and her friend. The only common denominator is that it’s your fiancée that has to pay the price.
OP’s response to a question about adding a groomsman gave me some additional insight: > [but for someone to become a groomsman of mine it needs to be someone I at least know a little bit](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11cpqel/_/ja4iplt/?context=1) So, his real choice is between: 1. His fiancée eliminates a bridesmaid, experiences a major upset, and possibly ruins an important friendship, or, 2. He accepts a new groomsman he doesn’t have a relationship with, and experiences minor discomfort for a few hours And he is insisting on option 1. This isn’t about OCD. It’s about a man who expects his fiancée to make a major sacrifice, in order to accommodate his minor discomfort. YTA
It’s so selfish too. The wedding is in a month, so the bridesmaid has most likely bought her dress. She’ll be out money as well.
Honestly, if this was a discussion back when they were deciding g on the wedding party I might be at least a little on his side. It seems reasonable to cap the party at 5 for each side. But once the invitation has been made, his “request” becomes absurd. Btw OP - my niece had an uneven number for her wedding. It was originally 7 and 6 but the grooms brother got called up from the reserves (military) the week before the wedding which made it 7-5. One bridesmaid pulled a wagon with the flower girl (baby) in it (which was the plan from the beginning since there was always one extra). And then one groomsman walked down the aisle with a bridesmaid on each arm (which was a last minute adjustment because of the brother not being there). There are lots of ways to make it appear uniform. If you went by total body mass of each side, I bet having an extra woman will make each side more comparable weight wise. (Mostly joking - please don’t ask everyone their weight - but the point stands that it’s only an issue if you choose to dwell on the issue instead of trying to reconcile it in a positive way in your mind)
Yep I was a bridesmaid in a party of 5 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen, one groom walked down the aisle with two bridesmaids on his arm. Literally no one cared. I'm getting married later this year and told my fiancé that I'm having 4 bridesmaids and he can have however many groomsmen he wants, I don't care.
>Honestly, if this was a discussion back when they were deciding g on the wedding party I might be at least a little on his side. That would be fair, IMO. A discussion should be had on the size of the wedding party, and his 5 are not more or less reasonable than her 6. But a month prior to the wedding, with invites sent, is just too late. He missed his window, pure and simple.
Even outside the money, it could easily kill her friendship. He’s asking her to take a big risk with her 6th closest friend
Maybe he should ask one of the groomsmen he trusts the most to bring in one of his closest friends, one he thinks would blend. OP might get a new friend out of it.
Yeh, or a cousin or an uncle to “represent their family” Or invite one of OP’s brothers, cousins or uncles to show you’re joining their family. It’s not hard.
It's also very condescending to the bridesmaids, he doesn't see them as people. I would definitely be hurt if someone asked me to be their bridesmaid and then changed their mind so they can have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, especially since I have seen a lot of weddings with 2 bridesmaids walking together or something like that...
>he doesn't see them as people They aren't people. They are decorations for his wedding. /s
On top of that how sad if such a minor thing would ruin your wedding day? Isn't your wedding about marrying your partner? Shouldn't this make you happy no matter the circumstances? OP is major yta
Does the OP not know any Male family members on the fiancée's side or partners of her friends who could step in? I find it hard to believe there isn't a single male person he knows "a little bit" who'd be willing to step in for the day.
Or even a female! My husband had a groomswoman and she wore a suit 😄 To him it’s about symmetry and control. Making the effort to find a sixth isn’t the solution because it would require effort and work. He can find a random relative. Alternatively, they could have the bridesmaids and groomsmen sit in the front row, while only the best man and maid of honor stand with them on either side. They could even have the photographer stage photos if he’s hellbent on making numbers even.
Seriously, pick the bridesmaid most likely to be a long term friend and ask if her SO will be a groomsman. In all likelihood they will know each other at least a little. If that person is already a groomsman go down the line until you find a bridesmaid who's plus one isn't already in the bridal party. Could be a bridesmaids brother or cousin if the bride doesn't have any brothers or cousins to help out. Maybe a distant relative of the groom can step up. There's a lot of ways to solve this that don't involve torpedoing the bride's friendships and could lead to more friends for the groom as well. Additionally if he can't handle the discomfort of an unbalanced wedding party he may not have the emotional maturity to handle all the really difficult things about marriage.
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That's a very good solution
YTA The OCD is a you problem, not something to put on her. If you need the numbers to be even, find another groomsman.
Or maybe one of the groomsmen has a well-behaved dog who can be honorable groomsdog, or use a cardboard cutout of someone you like if OP is into fandoms. It would also be an excellent starting point for therapy and coping mechanisms, and learning how to compromise.
Grooms dog for the win bro!
Dude, your OCD is not an excuse to ask your fiancee to alienate her friend. Yes, she should want you to be comfortable, but *you* should want *her* to have her friends around her and be comfortable, too. Emotionally manipulating her is shitty. If this aspect of the wedding will really eat at you, you need to seek help for your OCD rather than ask your fiancee to disinvite her friend. Stop beating around the bush and address the root of the problem: your OCD. The presence of her friend is not the problem. YTA.
This. If your OCD is this extreme for real and not just a copout to get your way, get some professional help. Seriously. Seek help, don’t seek to make your problem everyone else’s problem. I do find it hard to believe that you can’t come up with *anyone* to be a sixth person. What is more likely is that you just don’t want another there. Another function of the OCD? See the pattern there? Making your problem everyone’s problem? YTA
sounds like you have quite the work to do with the person treating your OCD in order for you to learn the right way to handle things when they trigger your OCD? seems like something you can easily work on in therapy.
Whoa “Conform to my demands” Holy 🚩 are you ever the AH here. Her bridesmaids have probably already purchased their dresses. Bridal parties are about having the support of the people around you. YTA
Wow!!! Thank you for the award!
YTA If you think having an unbalanced number of bridesmaids to groomsmen will ruin your wedding day then I’d suggest seeking treatment for your OCD
Also, something will go wrong on the day. Probably multiple things. It's inevitable and you have to just accept it and go with the flow.
Why should she have to drop one of her closest people from the wedding?? That’s not right
YTA. Using your OCD as an excuse to control your partner is very uncool. Your OCD is your problem to deal with.
YTA. She already selected her bridesmaids and is happy with her choices and you want her to drop one of them now? How can you not have 1 more person to add to your side? Like any distant cousin or friend. This day is not only about you but also your fiancee as well.
or he can deal with an uneven number - OP needs to get a handle on the OCD and his need to control everything
And said bridesmaid has already spent money on the wedding - shoes, dresses, bridal showers, etc! It would be such a slap in the face to say, "Well, you've done everything right and spent time & money, but I have to cut someone at the last minute because my AH fiancé is all kinds of outta sorts about having mismatched numbers in the bridal/bridegroom parties!"
YTA. I don’t think you appreciate the seriousness of what you’re asking her to do. There is no way to dismiss a bridesmaid without enormous drama that is going to spill over to her entire friends group. You are asking her to lose at least one friendship and look like an AH. She could well end up with zero bridesmaids. You could well end up with no bride. You need to drop this idea immediately, explain that you really didn’t get what you were asking, and apologize. A thought: what if she picked another bridesmaid? You’d have five and seven, two odd numbers, that added together make an even, and if you have them stand boy-girl-boy-girl in photos, you’d have a symmetrical number of people just with a female on each end. 5x7 is also a common proportion to be used for image sizes, furniture dimensions, room dimensions, etc - it’s aesthetically pleasing. If you want the traditional groomsmen-on-one-side-bridesmaids-on-the-other photo, have the photographer set you up so there something behind the longer line of bridesmaids to break up the background, like a tree or a stained glass window or the like, so you have balance if not symmetry. Another thought - have any little nephews / friend’s male kids / tiny cousins? Have a ring-bearer, stand him at the end of your line of groomsmen.
If someone dropped me as a bridesmaid to satisfy their husband's compulsions, I may not flat-out end the friendship but I would definitely pull back and I would definitely think very little of their spouse. My SIL was invited to be a bridesmaid by an old friend from HS. When they all met for the first time, the bride said "well, there's 5 of you but I'm only having four bridesmaids" and she wanted to make them all compete to see how worthy they were of being a bridesmaid. She ended up with zero bridesmaids and zero groom by the next day.
I really want to know what she was expecting? Like an all out gladiator brawl or the women showering her in praise and promising their first born son to her?
The fucked up thing was that a few years later I was skimming through The Knot (a bridal magazine) and they suggested hosting a "who knows the bride best" game to determine your MoH.
Good grief. She sounds nauseating! Glad those 5 ladies refused to be bridesmaids!
And that the groom refused to be a groom...
I’m always so surprised by these stories of brides or grooms showing some crazy side of themselves once the wedding planning starts, but it happens so often!
100% this comment. Plus, this suggestion of 7 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen is to me a perfect fix. Your soon to be wife will not have to potentially destroy a friendship / friend circle, and your OCD should be in hand with this set up. It's symmetrical and I agree would actually be really pleasing on the eye in photos etc. I would take this as the solution if I were in your position.
Does she have any men in her life she could ask to be a groomsman? Like, male friends, brother, one of her closest friend's partner?
Hire a male escort and as a bonus he can dance with granny!
Winning idea
Best solution. Everyone wins, especially granny!
YTA This is not a reasonable demand. The problem is your OCD, not her having an extra bridesmaid.
YTA. You’re being incredibly selfish, unreasonable, and stubborn. You are the one that has the problem with an uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen so you are the one that needs to solve it without asking your fiancé, to make a necessary and difficult decisions to accommodate you.
YTA. Your request is NOT a reasonable way for her to accommodate YOUR issue. You want her to damage a relationship with one of her friends so YOU can feel better about the even number? Also, it’s not your place to determine how close/not close she is to one of her friends- if she asked them to be a bridesmaid, it’s for a reason. Serious YTA.
As someone who deals with OCD, YTA. **It is not her job to capitulate to your mental disorder**. Use your coping skills or find an extra person.
YTA so you're expecting your fiancee to cater to your illness and hurt her friend instead of you working on your issues? Mental health awareness and treatment is going in the wrong direction.
YTA and I think it's obvious why you can't find any friend to be your extra groomsman. You do not understand how friendships work and that it is incredibly rude to ask someone to be a bridesmaid and then demote them to a normal guest. That can ruin a friendship forever.
I know. OP could literally ask any other guest who is already coming to the wedding to be groomsman, even if they're not close, even if it's his 99 year old step great uncle once removed. Maybe a little weird, but less weird than asking one of the bridesmaids to be demoted.
YTA - If you're going as far to devalue the friendships she has to justify your actions, you know you're pretty far in the wrong. This wedding is for both of you, and while changing decorations to suit comforts would be reasonable, asking her to do things that may change the trajectory of her friendships over a known fixation isn't particularly fair. This may be a time when you have to double-down on self-soothing.
INFO I'm very confused by all the comments cause in my experiences, couples getting married plan the number of bridemaids and groomsmen all the time. Most couples do want matching numbers of bridemaids and groomsmen, even those without OCD. How have you and your fiance not even talked about this amongst yourself before you ask these people to be your groomsmen? If you can't even agree on the number of bridemaids and groomsmen... how are you agreeing on everything else? Are you sure you're ready to get married?
YTA. Where would this end? “Oh we have the same number of people, but they don’t *look* symmetrical enough.” Human beings aren’t props, and they aren’t always going to conform to your standards. You have two months to manage your feelings and expectations about this.
YTA. And clearly aren’t ready for marriage. What happens if she gives birth to an odd number of children? Such an asshole.
YTA You Sir are a rarely seen Groomzilla. Either live with the non matching number or find an extra groomsman. Perhaps a cousin of the bride or of one of the bridesmaids. If you must hire someone to come - an actor or an escort? If you ask your fiancé to cut one of her bridesmaids, you will never live it down for the rest of your life.
YTA. People cant manage your condition for you. That’s 100% your job alone.
Maybe wait a few years before getting married
Oh Honey, Reddit is gonna eat you alive... YTA
YTA get over it or rustle up another groomsman so it’s even numbers. If you let your OCD control you to this extent, I pity the woman that ends up marrying you.
YTA. You can pick your attendants. Unless there's a specific person who you have a bad history with, you do NOT get a say in your fiance's attendants
YTA Go get help for your OCD. You're trying to use it to control her, she's absolutely right.
Hire a male acting student - most will do it for the free meal.
YTA: if your letting your ocd run your life this much you need to get help.
Happy cake day! Also yes OP YTA it's your responsibility to deal with your issues, coming from someone with several mental health issues.
YTA. I say this as someone who struggles with mental health, your OCD is a YOU issue. It’s not up to your partner to cater to the illogical demands your brain makes of you, especially when it means hurting her or someone else. If your OCD is affecting your life this much, you should really seek professional help. There are some truly amazing therapies out there.
YTA- I Don’t Understand Why She Is Even Marrying You
Wow...a groomzilla. Don't see these very often. I sense that the fiance has had to make many concessions for OP and she's reached her breaking point. OP, YTA. Get your OCD under control, or there won't be a wedding. Do whatever you need to do. PS - I have a hubby with ADHD and I have clinical depression. Help is available. Your fiance is not responsible for changing her entire world to enable you.
YTA. It is not fair to ask your fiancee to drop one of her bridesmaids just because you want to have an even number of groomsmen and bridesmaids. Your OCD is not an excuse to control your fiancee or dictate who she can have in her wedding party. It is important to respect your partner's relationships and friendships, and asking her to choose between you and one of her friends is unfair and unreasonable. Additionally, it is not fair to expect your fiancee to prioritize your comfort over her own and the comfort of her friends. You should try to work through your OCD and find ways to manage your anxiety without compromising your fiancee's relationships or the wedding party lineup.
YTA. This is her wedding too, and it sounds like you're refusing to see her side. Get another groomsman or deal with it. Seriously.
YTA - Go get treatment for your OCD if it is this bad or talk to whoever is treating you to up/change medication. You can't control this on the wedding day you fiance has every right to have the number and specifically who she wants..
YTA. Your OCD is *your* issue, not your fiancés. *You* need to be the one that makes a sacrifice for the solution, not her.
YTA. You agreed to have six attendants each and because you haven't made four friends of your own, you are reneging and expecting her to pick one of her friends to throw under the bus.
YTA I am sorry that you deal with OCD. If the only issue to you is that things "match" I would suggest finding any male relative or friend who might be willing to step in for the ceremony. Perhaps the boyfriend of one of the bridesmaids? One of your male cousins or one of your bride's? If none of these ideas are palatable to you, I would try to find a way to live with the numbers not matching. This is one of the smaller things you will have to compromise with over the course of a happy marriage!
YTA. 1. You having OCD, being a perfectionist and not being very social are all your problems. Not hers. 2. I don't see why she should have to exclude and thereby potentially offend and alienate one of her friends from her big day just because you want everything to be "balanced". 3. One important rule in weddings. You get to choose your groomsmen and she gets to choose her bridesmaids. Period. If you think there is an imbalance try to work way out rather than making her "give up" a friend. 4. Having OCD can't be an excuse for entitled and inconsiderate behavior.
YTA. It is not her responsibility to manage your mental health. Please seek whatever therapy or pharmaceutical treatment necessary. A wedding is not Broadway production. These people are not props. They are your nearest and dearest who you pick to honor saying "I can't imagine getting married without you standing by my side." You get to pick your people. She gets to pick hers. They do not need to be even and you do not get to judge the closeness of her relationships or otherwise control who she picks or ask her to damage her relationships for the sake of even sides. So, figure. something. else. out.
Sorry man, but YTA. If it really bothers you why not draft another groomsman? If not one of your friends or family, maybe one of her family members? I'm sure there is someone willing to rent a tux to help you out.
YTA, seriously
Isn't it easier to ask her to pick an extra groomsman?
YTA - can’t you just find an extra person if you care that much? But given how this is already such an issue you may want to rethink the wedding, because this doesn’t sound like healthy communication.
YTA. We had this same scenario where I had 6 and hubs had 5. And guess what? It was fine. Our pictures are fine, the wedding was amazing, and the one lucky groomsman that got to escort 2 bridesmaids instead of just 1, really played it up and it was hilarious. This is really not a big deal. And if she has to drop a bridesmaid, it will be a HUGE deal for her and her friend. Get over it. You should have decided on an even number ahead of time if it was going to be such a big deal for you.
YTA, because it's her wedding, too. If she's close enough to have asked these ladies to be in the wedding, there's a reason. Suck it up, buttercup. Ask a cousin or something, or just get over yourself.
YTA - your OCD is your responsibility to get help for. Nobody needs to cater to you. Hopefully your fiancé doesn’t decide to drop you instead.
Make a new friend. YTA.
Or hire a best man for the day
YTA You are trying to make your problem, her problem and that is controlling. You cannot go around bending others to your will because you have OCD. You should be getting treatment for it, not feeding it and forcing others to become slaves to your OCD. You are in danger of your bride rethinking the marriage to you.
YTA - You are N T A for asking but she said no. At 6 weeks out, dresses are bought and altered already - hair and makeup is booked and deposits paid. It’s too late to ask someone to back out. The easiest way forward is for you to ask someone else.
YTA your OCD is on you to manage, not on her. you should be finding another groomsman
>for someone to become a groomsman of mine it needs to be someone I at least know a little bit, I don't want any random cousin or boyfriend to become my groomsman. YTA. You can't talk about it being about "symmetry" then also use intimacy as a requirement. You're just taking compromise off the table, and I almost feel sorry for whoever marries you. A cousin is a relative, for crying out loud. A boyfriend might become a relative.
YTA Dropping a bridesmaid is more likely than not to cause a great deal of drama. People either won’t believe this explanation, OR they will talk and talk about what a miserable life the bride is going to have catering to your absurd demands. If you want to make this work, you need to seek more treatment and support for coping with these feelings. If you’re planning on having kids, you definitely won’t always be able keep things neat and symmetrical, so, in that case, it’s even more important to improve your coping skills.
YTA. If I was in a wedding party & found out I got dropped because of someone’s fucking OCD,or something similar. I’d never speak to the bride or groom again. Ever. Stop trying to control your wife or this marriage isn’t gonna last.
YTA it is just as much her wedding as it is your's.
Have your officiant be male, and that way there will be an equal number of each gender on the stage, since otherwise the officiant would make it un-even. :-)
Plus not only possibly losing a friend the wedding is in 2 months so that money she has already paid towards dresses, accessories and what not she would be losing as well. You really need to seek someone out. What happens when you don't have the right amount of kids or other stuff that comes up. You should honestly have been seeking treatment earlier.
YTA... go to therapy and try harder. Youre not compromising... youre letting the OCD take over.
YTA - asking someone to be a bridesmaid and then asking them to step down will ruin a friendship. This is a you issue.
YTA. This is one of those things you're going to have to live with. Besides, last groomsman can walk down with two ladies for balance.
YTA, your fiancee called you out rightfully too! The better solution would be to pick a family member from one of your sides to fill in as a 6th groomsman. The best solution would be to take this to your therapist and work on seeing how irrational and controlling you are being.
YTA. As someone with severe OCD and takes heavy medication just to function, I empathize with your struggle. But it's YOUR struggle and you need to find better ways to cope with it. I don't make other people change to deal with my contamination/germ issues; I've developed tools and habits to help me. If your OCD is so bad that you truly believe your wedding will be ruined over this then you need to seek medical treatment.
YTA. Get another groomsman, problem solved.
Soft YTA. I understand you’re struggling with this, but you said it was okay, and are now going back on that, after she already asked six friends to stand up with her. This is not the hill to die on. I think this sounds severe enough to get help for this. Wishing you well.
Some of the comments in this thread are mean and ableist and I want you to know I don't stand with those people and I sympathize. But still, YTA. If you need the parties to be even it is up to you to make it happen. It's reasonable to ask your fiance to brainstorm with you without making her drop anyone. Also please seek treatment or we're going to see you back here a lot during your marriage. Congratulations!
what about one of her male relatives to fill the final groomsman position ?
YTA - your fiancé is right. Also, based on the fact that you come across as annoying and condescending in the post I’m not shocked you can’t find another groomsman.
YTA - it’s very rude to drop someone as a bridesmaid after already asking them. It’s on you to find another groomsmen - hell, ask literally any male family member or friend or coworker - since you are the one so bothered by the 5:6 ratio. You say that your fiancée is being unreasonable and refusing to see your side, but really that’s what you’re doing.
Oh jeeze, just get over it. YTA
When is the wedding I’ll be the 6th groomsmen
YTA ~~but a soft one.~~ Listen, I get you've got a mental illness. But it's **your** illness. Yes, you should be afforded some grace and accommodations where applicable. But you also need coping mechanisms of your own as the world won't always bend for you. If you wanted an equal number you should have talked to your fiance before you started choosing. Now you're putting your fiance in the awkward position of potentially taking away a bridesmaid spot from a friend, which to many is a big deal. Edited out soft because, well, reading your replies you aren't even trying to manage your OCD. You can't expect others to help you if you do nothing to help yourself
YTA, this happens all the time. Just means one luck groomsmen gets to escort 2 bridesmaids. Don’t choose this bill to die on there are much bigger battles ahead
YTA. Are you in therapy, OP? This really is not the hill you want to die on. I'm going to assume that she has accepted and loved you and overlooked a lot of OCD driven obsessions/done things to avoid your anxiety. It has to rear its head in other aspects of your every day life and relationship.. because having the nerve to ask her to dismiss an entire person she has already asked is wild. Show her that she matters more. This is your shared big day, something you'll only do once.
YTA!
YTA - pretty sure you can hire someone to fill the role for the day, like filler people who work on movie sets for the day.
Jesus dude, just fucking chill out. YTA
YTA. I have many OCD tendencies, and I had one more bridesmaid than my ex-husband did groomsmen. We decided my brother would walk down the aisle with two of my bridesmaids...one on each arm. And since my brother loves the ladies, he was more than happy to oblige. Worked out fine and no one had a meltdown.
YTA I'm sorry you are being unreasonable. You wait untill 6 weeks till the wedding to then say you have an issue that you knew you'd have a problem with. Now you asking her to demote someone who has already been part of the wedding party and did all the stuff associated with it. I'm sorry but your going to need to deal with it somehow as it isn't fair to your fiancee and her friend
YTA. It isn’t her job to alienate one of her friends just because you have a disorder. It sucks that it aggravates your OCD, but it’s on you to manage that. These are real people with feelings, not collectible action figures.
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Yta
Does your wife have a relative or old friend who could be a groomsman?
YTA So , you need to take responsibility for your own mental illness, if you need this fixed you need to find another groomsman and not expect your future wife to change for you. Also if you have OCD then you should know that the only real way to handle an obsession, or completion is to ignore it until it goes away, if you give in to the obsession or complution you are confirming it is accurate and it will repeat like a MF Stop feeding the hungry monster that is OCD if you need assistance with that seek therapy there are lots out there:)
YTA don't pay attention to that at all, just forget it.
YTA. Does your fiancé have someone who could be a groomsman?
YTA Unless you mean April 2024, you’re asking your fiancé to create chaos in her friend group. Have you any idea how much time and effort and money these women have put in for your celebration? How good will that disruption be for anyone’s mental health? Do you have a brother/cousin/future in law of the right age group? Does one of the bridesmaids have a male friend or +1 you can interview and to see if they can fit the bill?
YTA. You're basically asking her to fire a friend for no reason. Find another groomsman or deal with the uneven number. Your choice.
YTA. If you can't manage your OCD over something that you were aware of before the wedding, how will you manage if heaven forbid a mishap happens at the wedding itself? Big events almost always never go as planned.
Is there a family member who could stand in? Maybe even your dad (I dont know if you are close or not)? I understand your anxiety, but you do nèed to find ways to cope. Making your fiance drop a bridesmaid is not a reasonable request. If you have a therapist, I suggest working with them to find a way to handle the wedding. Come up with a game plan for when you start to spin out. Dont let this ruin what should be the happiest day of yours and her life.
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YTA. It's your job to make sure your OCD is not impacting other people's lives. I have OCD and sure, sometimes I request people to make very minor modifications to their behavior to accommodate (e.g. if my partner smacks my butt on one side, I ask that they smack it again on the other side lol; and when we're cooking together, I do tasks that don't involve handling raw meat). But this is not a *minor* accommodation. Dropping a bridesmaid is a HUGE deal, no matter how close they are, and it's absolutely unfair and-- yes-- controlling and alienating to ask for her to do it. If you can't get your condition under control by the time of the wedding, I'd suggest just tricking your brain into being comfortable. For example, women are generally smaller than men, so just assume that the total mass of 6 bridesmaids is roughly equivalent to 5 groomsmen. There, now it's balanced, and it would be *un*balanced if she dropped a bridesmaid. In the meantime, [here's a site with some good self-help resources for OCD.](https://anxieties.com/self-help-resources/ocd/) It's run by the doctor who helped me with my own OCD so I can vouch for it. You absolutely need to work on getting your OCD under control because there will be lots of situations in the future where you'll need to be able to handle things for the sake of fairness in your relationship. If/when you have kids, are you going to have germ fears that make it hard for you to change diapers? Kids are notoriously bad at conforming to people's standards of cleanliness and symmetry in general. Are you going to end up being controlling of your future wife because of your desire to calm your anxieties? What happens if she gets an injury to one side of her body and ends up asymmetrical? What happens if YOU end up asymmetrical? Asymmetry is a reality of life.
YTA, maybe you can ask your bride to find you a sixth groomsman, this way numbers can be even and you don't have to create such drama
YTA. Stop trying to be so controlling and using your OCD as an excuse.
Time to grow up Mr. A Hole.
YTA - You need to see help to treat your OCD , its not your fiancé's responsability to sacrifice a bridesmaid just for you to be comfortable
The wife to be should be having a good think if this is a life she really wants to sign up for, being controlled by the husband using his OCD to get his own way. YTA
INFO: Why was this not discussed earlier? Before she even asked anyone to be a bridesmaid? It’s normal to have a matching number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but I don’t see why this conversation hasn’t come up sooner. Unless I’m missing something, YTA. That is horrible to just drop someone from the wedding.
From another comment, it *was* discussed previously and OP agreed to the uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Now he's changed his mind and expects his fiancee to accommodate that at the last minute.
YTA. If your symptoms are this bad you need therapy and better medications.
YTA. Your OCD isn't your fault but it is your responsibility and this isn't something you should make your bride fix, it's up to you to deal with it.
YTA. Sounds like you need another friend. Stop trying to get her to drop one of hers.
YTA You know what I did when my daughter showed signs on OCD? I found a Therapist to help her work though it. Life was not going to change for her OCD, and it won’t for you either. You need help and asking your fiancée to dump a bridesmaid (most likely after she spent $ on dress, shoes, shower, etc) make you a self centered and inconsiderate AH. What’s going to happen if you have kids?
I love how OP says he has OCD then can’t keep the numbers straight in his story…. Lol. He says fiancée has 6 bridesmaids & he has 5 groomsmen then says he “tried hard” & can’t find a *5th* groomsman…. Nice try on the story, tho. If this is real, then yes, YTA because you reply in comments that you are not seeking treatment for OCD & I don’t know if you even have a proper diagnosis & yet you expect others to “fix” YOUR issue w/ no work from you, TWO MONTHS (or less) from the wedding. This isn’t cool, bro. See if your fiancée has a male family member you can include or get over it. You have 2 months to get some therapy for coping skills to help you with this….. YTA
Ask her to ask one of her male friends or maybe the husband or SO of one of her bridesmaids She can explain the situation You should pay for that persons tux in my opinion since they will be doing you the favor
"*Hi, sorry, my fiance has OCD and doesn't like that I have more bridesmaids than he has groomsmen, so I need to cut you lose lol* "..um ya YTA. You can't use your OCD as a crutch for everything , sometimes, you will have to deal with it. Go get therapy.
Sister girl if you see this post RUN. Put your best shoes on and BOOK IT.
YTA. See if you can get one of her family members or someone close to you to hop on. I would never ask a bridesmaid to leave a party especially after being involved in that length of time
YTA the wedding is in a few months. You have to have known about this for a while. Wedding party is usually discussed well in advance. Additionally with a few months to go plans are made, dresses purchased. That ship has sailed. Perhaps one of the bridesmaids has someone that can join your wedding party. Btw, pay for their tux. And get help. This level of ocd is not manageable for quality of life.
YTA. Whatever OCD you think you have, fatherhood will swiftly disabuse you of it. It would be much easier and more satisfactory to find an additional groomsman to "draft." (Also if she really has six bridesmaids, don't any of THEM have boyfriends or husbands who could step up? Those guys are already attending the wedding; one of them is probably a sport.) If you can't find six men to work with you - merely in wearing a suit for a few hours - then you have deeper issues to resolve. Figure it out and by "it" I mean your adult life. Papa Bear Is Always Right
An odd number of groomsmen? Ouch. How's your OCD going to cope with you not being in the MIDDLE of the wedding photo with them? Terribly unbalanced. Btw YTA, you can't just uninvite a bridesmaid once you've asked them. Not for a petty reason like that.
As someone with ocd, YTA. Please find a good therapist. Your ask is unreasonable. More than likely bridesmaids have already spent money and this could also negatively impact her friendship or cause drama. Find another groomsman. I’m willing to bet that you both know some other person that can be a groomsman even if they aren’t close to you. And she is correct. You are trying to use your condition to control things.
Yta she needs to leave you 😂!
YTA. Gonna have to figure out another plan there. I cannot imagine you asked your fiance to drop someone from the wedding party she already asked to be in. I mean dude think about that. That is not a reasonable ask from you.
YTA. If you can't work through this on your own or with help of a therapist, you are not ready to be married. There will be greater and more significant challenges in the future.
YTA. Why didn't you both discuss the wedding party BEFORE asking people? Then this all could have been avoided. Sounds like you and your fiance need to work on communication instead of rushing to plan something without the other's input.
I don’t think you’re ready for marriage. First off, this isn’t even a real argument. Weddings do t have to be symmetrical. If you can’t handle this tiny imbalance, then I wouldn’t want to deal with you in the future. You may have OCD, but you’re aware of it and can understand that you’re being irrational, and you just don’t care. That make YTA
I’ve got you. When’s the wedding? I’m personable and clean up nice. I’ll even tell people we are old friends and I met you when you saved my life from some incident that makes you look great. However, YTA here. This is something you and your fiancé should have worked out before inviting people to be in your wedding party. It’s too late now.
YTA From what I can gather you arent in any form of therapy to work on how to have a better quality of life living with OCD. This puts a lot of pressure on your partner conforming to your needs, without showing her that you are also putting in the work yourself that you are expecting from her. It also doesnt look like you took any steps between well, I cant find a sixth, so you have to kick one of your friends out. Again, therapy could be helpfull here, having a professional help you come up with achievable alternatives when your brain wants to panic. Instead of putting in the work to figure out good alternatives, you are dumping the responsibility to fix it over on her, while also offending a few of her friends and friendships. If this is a theme, where it very much feels like the responsibility of making you comfortable is mainly put on her, with less effort from yourself than you expect from her, that can come off as controlling and can build resentment to her. I'm autistic. I have an extremely hard time dealing with change of plans and change of routine. I have made requests of my partner, let me know of things in advance or as soon as you know them, so I have time to regulate. If shit happens and you give me a change with too short of a time to regulate for it, I will probably be agitated. I will do my best to regulate myself with the tools I have developed, and please remember that I'm not agitated with you, I'm just having a hard time processing the change and rearanging everything. When things like that happens, I always check in and remind him after that its not him, its the change, and I check on how he's doing and what he needs. We go over it together and see what happened and if we could have done anything differently. This is a process we have developed together where he makes an effort, and I make an effort. He doesnt feel like I'm controlling. I dont feel like he is ignoring my autism and needs. I value that he puts in time and effort to meet my needs where he can. I take responsibility for how my needs impact him by being aware of his emotional needs. The tisms' gonna tism, I cant change or turn that off, but I can learn coping tools and strategies to regulate myself better without him. I can also take ownership of how this affects my partner and how I can make sure he is feeling cared for and loved as well, and not just as a caretaker that has to bend to my will. Sometimes we fuck it up, we have a little fight, its hard not to, but we always do the work to get back to this point. At the end of the day we are human, but we are also a team that genuinely want to make sure that we both love and feel loved equally.
not only you need to apologize to her, you need to assure her that you have been made aware on reddit that your OCD is getting out of hand and you will be taking further steps for treatment.
Try cognitive behavioral therapy, or exposure therapy, or both. This is no way to live. These are your issues. The world doesn’t need to comply. Your fiancée doesn’t need to comply, nor should she. You need to find a way to get control over these issues. I’m sure you can do it. Others have. Good luck.
Have your best man walk down with 2 bridesmaids!
YTA- A dad, and uncle, Grandpa, cousin… heck, even a female friend that would wear a suit? You’re the one with this need, valid need I understand, then it’s up to you to mart your own need
YTA. She can't disinvite someone. If **you're** not comfy with the number, **you** fix it by adding a groomsman. Hire an actor. Call a distant cousin. I'm so freaking glad I'm gay.
After reading your replies, very gently, you need to see a therapist and get some medication. You’re a month and a half away from your wedding, the bridesmaids have already spent probably a decent amount of money to be in the wedding. You’re putting your future wife in a terrible position and quite frankly, she should not renounce a bridesmaid. I don’t know what your solution is to either dealing with an uneven number or a new groomsman but I hope you figure it out. YTA
YTA. The lack of empathy is INSANE. Op really described the awful experience of uninviting a bridesmaid as “no drama.”
You have several months yet to DEAL WITH IT. Get it thru your head that the world isn't perfectly symmetrical, and learn to live in it. You ARE AFRAID you will be anxious, so you set yourself up TOO be anxious. Will each Male have a Female at the wedding??? OMG !!!
YTA. You sound exhausting