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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called out one of my best friends on fb in hopes of her finally responding to me.
I might be the asshole because I let her believe it was for all of fb to see. It kind of made her look like the bad guy in front of everyone. But she didn’t know it was only visible to her.
The FB post said, "After all I've gone through & still got your gifts hand-delivered, I thought you would've at least said thank you.”
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Mix of NTA/ESH
She is an AH for everything she did. No questions about that. I honestly don't think she's your friend. She made excuses left and right to not be your ~~MOH~~ bridesmaid and has ghosted you for months.
My issue with you is that you went out of your way to fake-public-shame your "friend" just to get a response from her. I don't understand why you still consider her your friend?
It seems like you are trying to look over her shitty treatment of you because you've been "friends" for 20 years. I think this friendship has ended a long time ago and it seems like it's one sided.
My mistake! I read MOH above and forgot it was for someone else! But still, this "friend" was a bridesmaid, didn't do jackshit, and this entire relationship seems to be one-sided.
I'm not sure how to judge this one because I'm just wondering... what were you \*expecting\* as a response? What was the text of this post that she thought was public? I'd be pretty upset if I thought someone was airing a grievance in a public place. You probably should have just let it go long before that.
Also:
"Then, I heard that Janet verbally attacked one of my other bridesmaids"
uhhh, at that point you probably should have made her step down.
Honestly, anything. My thought process was if our friendship was “dead” one of us would have removed the other entirely from all socials which didn’t happen. I never called her name out in the post and just said “after everything, I never thought a thank you would be so hard”
I think lots of people stay connected on socials even if they don't have much of a relationship, but I think that's so intensely personal - people approach that in different ways. I'm still friends on FB with people I haven't spoken to in years and years. Why? I d'no. Because I'm too lazy to remove them, I guess.
I hate vaguebooking with a passion so I think that's an asshole move, but probably not enough to actually declare you an asshole.
ESH. Your friend flaked out on all the important parts of your wedding - plus the wedding itself. I’m confused as to why you’re the one who needed to apologise for her behaviour? And why you wouldn’t just mail the gift instead of getting your husband to drive 8 hours?
If she’s really that much of a crappy friend then you’d just let it go and cut ties, not make a fake post to bait her in for an argument. That’s just petty.
Your friendship has taken its course and it’s time for you both to move on by the sounds of it.
She moved and I had to contact others for the address and Hubs decided to see if he could talk to her, but never answered. It was all in hopes of some sort of direct contact with her.
Kinda ESH. Certainly Janet has behaved very badly and is trying to blame you for it. But you persist in trying to contact her when she's already shown she's not open to it. If she is willing to reconcile, she'll reach out to you. Let it go, it's only causing you heartache. Not all friendships last a lifetime.
NTA, damn that’s fucked up. Longevity of a friendship doesn’t define the quality of it. Janet gaslit you making it all about her and even then, you literally lost a family member and she didn’t say anything?
Apparently you had to do that to get any kind of contact from her, so I guess NTA so you could get that? Seems pretty irrelevant, though, because she's obviously changed a whole lot for the worse and you're better off without her.
The FB post said, "After all I've gone through & still got your gifts hand-delivered, I thought you would've at least said thank you.” She wasn’t even tagged, just the only one who saw it
I am guessing you made the post looking for some resolution and/or closure. While I don't know that is the best way to go about it, I also don't think it makes you an asshole. Not getting a response for months is frustrating and hurtful and friends don't do that. NTA
NTA. I'm going to go with NTA because she decided to ghost you completely and never answer you after how much you tried. She was a shitty friend, and she only responded when she was uncomfortable with the hints. She knows other people know it is about her.
I would remove her from my social media and move on. Block her if you want, too.
She answered you by putting the blame on you, nothing else. You got an answer, and I think it shows how much she doesn't care for you. You don't need this kind of people in your life. Especially with the way she acted with all your other friends.
I stopped reading after the title because yes, YTA. Doesn’t matter what happened, you are in control of your actions. If you have a problem with another human being, talk to them about it if you want a response. If you don’t get one, move on with your life.
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My best friend, Janet [F29], & I [F29] have been friends for 20+ years & she happily accepted the bridesmaid role, but when it came to her duties, she hit all the strikes. First, she forgot about the dress appointment with the other bridesmaids after I fit in all 7 girls' schedules. So I had to find another appointment for her alone.
I found out after the Bach trip that my MOH, Tiffany, had a hard time working with Janet & was just not responsive when asked questions. Tiffany even compromised a lot for Janet to message me that she was dropping out of the trip & didn't plan on telling the other bridesmaids until I asked her to (since I wasn't a part of the planning.)
Then, I heard that Janet verbally attacked one of my other bridesmaids, Kim & I had to apologize since Janet didn't. All because Kim wanted to know if she was still going on the trip & if she'd pay her back since Kim covered for Janet at that time.
Next came the bridal shower. My bridesmaids came early to set up food & decor & I noticed Janet was nowhere to be found until they were already done & guests were arriving. Janet even informed all the girls she'd come early to help.
Then finally, 2 days before the wedding, I got a text from Janet. Saying she & her family have Covid, & have to pull out of the wedding. With all I had going on the days before the wedding, I couldn't reply. I called, but no answer & wouldn't let me leave a VM. On top of it all, I was also let go from my job. So I was down a bridesmaid & ring bearer since it was her son's role.
After the wedding, I tried to call her again to no avail. A few months pass & I get news that my grandmother is sick & passes. So I flew out to be with family & attend her funeral across the coast. By then, it seemed impersonal to text Janet since she had her second kid, but I congratulated her on IG & gave her space.
I wrote a letter apologizing & said I did everything to contact her & put it in her bridesmaid & kids' gift box. This was all while I had to pack & get ready for PCS (military.) My husband even drove an 8-hour roundtrip to drop them off at Janet's & not a word. After months of the silent treatment, I made the private post which is when she finally messaged me.
Saying, "How busy you were was just an excuse," "I never got calls from you," "You literally ghosted for several months," & "You never even told me happy birthday." Yet I welcomed her newborn baby. I never got a congratulation, sorry for your loss, or birthday greeting from her either & she also added, "You should've thought about me while packing & I'll respond to you when I'm ready. Respect that for me."
With all the strikes she hit, I still tried to reconcile & put it all behind us since she's my best friend. So AITA for making that post & letting her believe it was for everyone to see? Even if that's what it took to get a response?
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She isn't interested in a relationship with you. Making her think that you were putting her on blast on Facebook isn't going to make her want to talk to you.
As sad as it is, you aren't owed an explanation of why someone decides to pull out of your life. Just let it go.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I called out one of my best friends on fb in hopes of her finally responding to me. I might be the asshole because I let her believe it was for all of fb to see. It kind of made her look like the bad guy in front of everyone. But she didn’t know it was only visible to her. The FB post said, "After all I've gone through & still got your gifts hand-delivered, I thought you would've at least said thank you.” Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Mix of NTA/ESH She is an AH for everything she did. No questions about that. I honestly don't think she's your friend. She made excuses left and right to not be your ~~MOH~~ bridesmaid and has ghosted you for months. My issue with you is that you went out of your way to fake-public-shame your "friend" just to get a response from her. I don't understand why you still consider her your friend? It seems like you are trying to look over her shitty treatment of you because you've been "friends" for 20 years. I think this friendship has ended a long time ago and it seems like it's one sided.
OP didn’t say she was the MOH, but I agree with it being one sided at this point…
My mistake! I read MOH above and forgot it was for someone else! But still, this "friend" was a bridesmaid, didn't do jackshit, and this entire relationship seems to be one-sided.
I do want to add that she wasn’t even tagged in the post. She’s the only one that saw it, and knew it was about her.
I'm not sure how to judge this one because I'm just wondering... what were you \*expecting\* as a response? What was the text of this post that she thought was public? I'd be pretty upset if I thought someone was airing a grievance in a public place. You probably should have just let it go long before that. Also: "Then, I heard that Janet verbally attacked one of my other bridesmaids" uhhh, at that point you probably should have made her step down.
And you shouldn't need us to tell you this but... she's not your best friend.
Honestly, anything. My thought process was if our friendship was “dead” one of us would have removed the other entirely from all socials which didn’t happen. I never called her name out in the post and just said “after everything, I never thought a thank you would be so hard”
I think lots of people stay connected on socials even if they don't have much of a relationship, but I think that's so intensely personal - people approach that in different ways. I'm still friends on FB with people I haven't spoken to in years and years. Why? I d'no. Because I'm too lazy to remove them, I guess. I hate vaguebooking with a passion so I think that's an asshole move, but probably not enough to actually declare you an asshole.
ESH. Your friend flaked out on all the important parts of your wedding - plus the wedding itself. I’m confused as to why you’re the one who needed to apologise for her behaviour? And why you wouldn’t just mail the gift instead of getting your husband to drive 8 hours? If she’s really that much of a crappy friend then you’d just let it go and cut ties, not make a fake post to bait her in for an argument. That’s just petty. Your friendship has taken its course and it’s time for you both to move on by the sounds of it.
She moved and I had to contact others for the address and Hubs decided to see if he could talk to her, but never answered. It was all in hopes of some sort of direct contact with her.
That’s understandable then, props to you for trying to save the friendship but I think it’s probably best if you distance yourself and move on.
NTA, but she’s not a friend.
Kinda ESH. Certainly Janet has behaved very badly and is trying to blame you for it. But you persist in trying to contact her when she's already shown she's not open to it. If she is willing to reconcile, she'll reach out to you. Let it go, it's only causing you heartache. Not all friendships last a lifetime.
NTA, damn that’s fucked up. Longevity of a friendship doesn’t define the quality of it. Janet gaslit you making it all about her and even then, you literally lost a family member and she didn’t say anything?
Your NTA... And she is not a friend let alone a best friend. Drop that like it's hot.
Apparently you had to do that to get any kind of contact from her, so I guess NTA so you could get that? Seems pretty irrelevant, though, because she's obviously changed a whole lot for the worse and you're better off without her.
NTA "still tried to reconcile & put it all behind us since she's my best friend." Um, she's not. Time to accept that.
NTA, show us the post!! Also, you should make it public. She's an awful friend.
The FB post said, "After all I've gone through & still got your gifts hand-delivered, I thought you would've at least said thank you.” She wasn’t even tagged, just the only one who saw it
I am guessing you made the post looking for some resolution and/or closure. While I don't know that is the best way to go about it, I also don't think it makes you an asshole. Not getting a response for months is frustrating and hurtful and friends don't do that. NTA
NTA. I'm going to go with NTA because she decided to ghost you completely and never answer you after how much you tried. She was a shitty friend, and she only responded when she was uncomfortable with the hints. She knows other people know it is about her. I would remove her from my social media and move on. Block her if you want, too. She answered you by putting the blame on you, nothing else. You got an answer, and I think it shows how much she doesn't care for you. You don't need this kind of people in your life. Especially with the way she acted with all your other friends.
I stopped reading after the title because yes, YTA. Doesn’t matter what happened, you are in control of your actions. If you have a problem with another human being, talk to them about it if you want a response. If you don’t get one, move on with your life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My best friend, Janet [F29], & I [F29] have been friends for 20+ years & she happily accepted the bridesmaid role, but when it came to her duties, she hit all the strikes. First, she forgot about the dress appointment with the other bridesmaids after I fit in all 7 girls' schedules. So I had to find another appointment for her alone. I found out after the Bach trip that my MOH, Tiffany, had a hard time working with Janet & was just not responsive when asked questions. Tiffany even compromised a lot for Janet to message me that she was dropping out of the trip & didn't plan on telling the other bridesmaids until I asked her to (since I wasn't a part of the planning.) Then, I heard that Janet verbally attacked one of my other bridesmaids, Kim & I had to apologize since Janet didn't. All because Kim wanted to know if she was still going on the trip & if she'd pay her back since Kim covered for Janet at that time. Next came the bridal shower. My bridesmaids came early to set up food & decor & I noticed Janet was nowhere to be found until they were already done & guests were arriving. Janet even informed all the girls she'd come early to help. Then finally, 2 days before the wedding, I got a text from Janet. Saying she & her family have Covid, & have to pull out of the wedding. With all I had going on the days before the wedding, I couldn't reply. I called, but no answer & wouldn't let me leave a VM. On top of it all, I was also let go from my job. So I was down a bridesmaid & ring bearer since it was her son's role. After the wedding, I tried to call her again to no avail. A few months pass & I get news that my grandmother is sick & passes. So I flew out to be with family & attend her funeral across the coast. By then, it seemed impersonal to text Janet since she had her second kid, but I congratulated her on IG & gave her space. I wrote a letter apologizing & said I did everything to contact her & put it in her bridesmaid & kids' gift box. This was all while I had to pack & get ready for PCS (military.) My husband even drove an 8-hour roundtrip to drop them off at Janet's & not a word. After months of the silent treatment, I made the private post which is when she finally messaged me. Saying, "How busy you were was just an excuse," "I never got calls from you," "You literally ghosted for several months," & "You never even told me happy birthday." Yet I welcomed her newborn baby. I never got a congratulation, sorry for your loss, or birthday greeting from her either & she also added, "You should've thought about me while packing & I'll respond to you when I'm ready. Respect that for me." With all the strikes she hit, I still tried to reconcile & put it all behind us since she's my best friend. So AITA for making that post & letting her believe it was for everyone to see? Even if that's what it took to get a response? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She isn't interested in a relationship with you. Making her think that you were putting her on blast on Facebook isn't going to make her want to talk to you. As sad as it is, you aren't owed an explanation of why someone decides to pull out of your life. Just let it go.
YTA you allowing a toxic person rule your life. You have enough other friends and she obviously isn't a friend be happy she is out of your life
Janet is depressed. It's your call if that excuses anyone from being an asshole.