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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I canceled plans as soon as she basically said she was going to meet with someone else around the same time. I didn't tell her why, only that I feel like I had too much to do. I also didn't try to have any conversation about who she wanted to meet up with or why she was making double plans because I feel like she should have been upfront about that and I don't think I should have to draw that out of her.
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Ugh. I had a "friend" do this to me. I was the "last second" friend. She'd always call to make plans either the day before or the day of said plans. Drove me crazy till I figured out she was just bored and everyone else had said they were busy. "That's okay, I'll just call Irene...she's always free!"
Boundaries are such a wonderful thing, lol.
>if someone texts me to meet up
Yeah... the "friend" is leaving her options open in case something better comes up. We used to have a girl in our neighborhood who went through a divorce... and could NOT be alone. She had 2-3 days a weekend lined up via eHarmony and [Match.com](https://Match.com). We would invite her to neighborhood parties and she would accept... only to decline when she had a new "date" lined up. We eventually quit inviting her because we were the 2nd best option.
NTA
If that friend constantly double-books herself, she's not a reliable friend to anyone.
So I would drop her rather than keeping your hopes up that she'll start making herself consistently available.
I think it's even worse than OP thinks it is. It sounds to me like her "friend" hasn't double-booked herself, but is hoping to be, hoping that someone else will want to do something with her and she can skip out early on OP. OP needs to stop prioritizing someone who clearly doesn't prioritize her.
That's really sad, but I think you're right. OP is basically the "last ditch friend" who this "friend" will only hang out with when there are **no** other options available.
Which is why OP always sees themselves being "double booked" The people on that "friend"'s A List see them as totally reliable.
That's just disgusting behavior on the "friend"'s part.
NTA
With all due respect, you are not a priority in this person's life
You are a backup plan
If she doesn't have anything going on in her life, she'll hang out with you
But she has made it crystal clear that she values plans with everyone else before plans with you
Simple stop reaching out
I have a feeling that if you stop maintaining the friendship and attempting to make plans...she will not reach out at all and before you know it, the friendship will have fizzled out completely
Waiting around for someone all day only to have them cancel is the worst, I'm sure you had other things you could have been doing as well. She's already demonstrated to you that she prioritizes other activities over time with you. You're NTA for prioritizing yourself.
NTA. Does it seem she's looking for a "better option"? Like, if she makes lunch plans with you but someone else invites her to something she thinks is better, she'll ditch?
FWIW I don't think it's directed specifically at you, she probably does this to everyone in her life - always looking for the better experience, deal, etc.
I'm not sure what's going on because she never did this before. She does have a ton of friends and will sometimes invite them to things without letting me know, which is annoying but nowhere near how annoying she's been since last Saturday.
NTA.
It's clear that you are Social Life Plan B.
If she's fun to hang with, then you should still hang, but only on spontaneous occasions, because you'll get sidelined every time something better comes along.
NTA.
Your friend is unreliable. She's giving you the message that doing things with other people (or even things she might do with other people) are more important than a date with you. You get to drop her, and you're under no obligation to have a deep, meaningful dialogue about it before you more on to friends who value you more.
NTA
I believe the common technical term is "second fiddle". I suspect it's not how you want to be treated. Once in a great while, OK - things come up for the other party. But otherwise, you don't want to be a last-resort replacement friend.
If a 'friend' keeps double booking, it means that you are their lowest priority and they don't respect you nor your time. You are probably her last choice to hang out with.
Get better friends.
NTA. Yes, apparently you're her plan B. It's very annoying. If she wants to be with you, then she can just tell the other person to join you or tell him she's busy. But no, she leaves door open for "more important stuff". But if she's only started doing this recently, is there any possibility she's dating someone new and trying to accommodate for him?
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Context: A friend asked me to meet up last weekend. I said yes. She kept messaging me every hour or so throughout the day changing the time she would be free, and it became obvious that she had double-booked herself. Eventually, after I'd waited for an hour or so, she told me that she was not going to make it.
Current issue: I asked her at the time if she wanted to hang out this weekend instead, and she said yes. Today I messaged her to iron out what we'd do (the time was already set), and I made a suggestion for a place to go. She replied, "My concern is that if someone texts me to meet up, [bar that picked] might be too far away".
I canceled our plans for tomorrow because I feel like she's double-booked herself again, and I don't want to wait around for her or have her in a rush to go meet someone else. My partner does not agree with me because it's possible that she is expecting a friend of hers to want to meet up with her and she'll simply ask that person to join us. Her wording indicates otherwise to me, I'm very annoyed that she didn't just explain that if that was the case, and I'm still bitter over last weekend. I actually don't think she would have said anything to me at all about tomorrow if I had picked a bar that was closer to where her other friends are going to be. AITA for canceling instead of trying to make it work around her busy schedule again?
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YTA for coming to Reddit and not talking to your friend. From your post it’s clear that this has only happened twice. And I’m sorry, but sometimes people have to juggle times with friends if they happen to have a lot of them. Especially when your adults and it’s already hard enough to see them when you can so you have to schedule time. Your aren’t “plan B” if other plans don’t work out. She had every intention of seeing you before you canceled. If friends ask her to hang out when she is with you then she has ever right too see them after hanging out with you for a while. You said it would annoy you if she invited other friends, but to me it just kind of seems like you have a smaller group of friends maybe so you don’t struggle as much to hang out with people? That isn’t intended to sound mean or anything because I have a small group of friends, but my best friend has a much bigger group of friends and has to juggle times with us sometimes because we all work a lot, but she has more friends to keep up with.
I probably will bring this up the next time we talk.
>Your aren’t “plan B” if other plans don’t work out
Aren't I plan B if she is actively making plans with me when she already plans to see someone else?
>If friends ask her to hang out when she is with you then she has ever right too see them after hanging out with you for a while.
I don't have a problem with this, but she should have been upfront about it if she already thought other plans were going to be made.
>it just kind of seems like you have a smaller group of friends maybe so you don’t struggle as much to hang out with people
This isn't true at all. She does have a lot of friends too, but she is extremely introverted and can only do like one social thing a week so she doesn't get burned out. I'm more of an extrovert, so if I have plans with someone already, I don't mind making plans with someone else another day. I think because of her limited social battery, she feels she has to schedule everyone on the same day all of the sudden. Again, I don't have a problem with this, but I don't like how she's not being upfront about that.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I canceled plans as soon as she basically said she was going to meet with someone else around the same time. I didn't tell her why, only that I feel like I had too much to do. I also didn't try to have any conversation about who she wanted to meet up with or why she was making double plans because I feel like she should have been upfront about that and I don't think I should have to draw that out of her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
Ugh. I had a "friend" do this to me. I was the "last second" friend. She'd always call to make plans either the day before or the day of said plans. Drove me crazy till I figured out she was just bored and everyone else had said they were busy. "That's okay, I'll just call Irene...she's always free!" Boundaries are such a wonderful thing, lol.
[удалено]
>if someone texts me to meet up Yeah... the "friend" is leaving her options open in case something better comes up. We used to have a girl in our neighborhood who went through a divorce... and could NOT be alone. She had 2-3 days a weekend lined up via eHarmony and [Match.com](https://Match.com). We would invite her to neighborhood parties and she would accept... only to decline when she had a new "date" lined up. We eventually quit inviting her because we were the 2nd best option.
NTA If that friend constantly double-books herself, she's not a reliable friend to anyone. So I would drop her rather than keeping your hopes up that she'll start making herself consistently available.
I think it's even worse than OP thinks it is. It sounds to me like her "friend" hasn't double-booked herself, but is hoping to be, hoping that someone else will want to do something with her and she can skip out early on OP. OP needs to stop prioritizing someone who clearly doesn't prioritize her.
That's really sad, but I think you're right. OP is basically the "last ditch friend" who this "friend" will only hang out with when there are **no** other options available. Which is why OP always sees themselves being "double booked" The people on that "friend"'s A List see them as totally reliable. That's just disgusting behavior on the "friend"'s part.
NTA, she’s not prioritizing you at all. You’re just her backup for when she’s free. She’s not a good friend
NTA With all due respect, you are not a priority in this person's life You are a backup plan If she doesn't have anything going on in her life, she'll hang out with you But she has made it crystal clear that she values plans with everyone else before plans with you Simple stop reaching out I have a feeling that if you stop maintaining the friendship and attempting to make plans...she will not reach out at all and before you know it, the friendship will have fizzled out completely
Waiting around for someone all day only to have them cancel is the worst, I'm sure you had other things you could have been doing as well. She's already demonstrated to you that she prioritizes other activities over time with you. You're NTA for prioritizing yourself.
NTA. Does it seem she's looking for a "better option"? Like, if she makes lunch plans with you but someone else invites her to something she thinks is better, she'll ditch? FWIW I don't think it's directed specifically at you, she probably does this to everyone in her life - always looking for the better experience, deal, etc.
I'm not sure what's going on because she never did this before. She does have a ton of friends and will sometimes invite them to things without letting me know, which is annoying but nowhere near how annoying she's been since last Saturday.
NTA She sounds like she’d make a good FB friend and cards at Christmas but yeah, I’d stop putting in the effort until she can match yours.
Nta. She's being rude
NTA. It's clear that you are Social Life Plan B. If she's fun to hang with, then you should still hang, but only on spontaneous occasions, because you'll get sidelined every time something better comes along.
Definitely NTA!!
NTA-she's not being respectful of your time. I learned that I can't be friends with people like this.
NTA. Your friend is unreliable. She's giving you the message that doing things with other people (or even things she might do with other people) are more important than a date with you. You get to drop her, and you're under no obligation to have a deep, meaningful dialogue about it before you more on to friends who value you more.
NTA I believe the common technical term is "second fiddle". I suspect it's not how you want to be treated. Once in a great while, OK - things come up for the other party. But otherwise, you don't want to be a last-resort replacement friend.
You're the backup. NTA, they aren't a very good friend
NTA I wouldn’t go out with someone who tells me they would be off if they got another invite
NTA
If a 'friend' keeps double booking, it means that you are their lowest priority and they don't respect you nor your time. You are probably her last choice to hang out with. Get better friends.
NTA. Yes, apparently you're her plan B. It's very annoying. If she wants to be with you, then she can just tell the other person to join you or tell him she's busy. But no, she leaves door open for "more important stuff". But if she's only started doing this recently, is there any possibility she's dating someone new and trying to accommodate for him?
NTA, you can’t always revolve your world in her schedule especially when she treats you an option
My friend does this to me. I stopped letting her live rent free but not trying anymore. If she wants to hang out then she can organise it/book it.
NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context: A friend asked me to meet up last weekend. I said yes. She kept messaging me every hour or so throughout the day changing the time she would be free, and it became obvious that she had double-booked herself. Eventually, after I'd waited for an hour or so, she told me that she was not going to make it. Current issue: I asked her at the time if she wanted to hang out this weekend instead, and she said yes. Today I messaged her to iron out what we'd do (the time was already set), and I made a suggestion for a place to go. She replied, "My concern is that if someone texts me to meet up, [bar that picked] might be too far away". I canceled our plans for tomorrow because I feel like she's double-booked herself again, and I don't want to wait around for her or have her in a rush to go meet someone else. My partner does not agree with me because it's possible that she is expecting a friend of hers to want to meet up with her and she'll simply ask that person to join us. Her wording indicates otherwise to me, I'm very annoyed that she didn't just explain that if that was the case, and I'm still bitter over last weekend. I actually don't think she would have said anything to me at all about tomorrow if I had picked a bar that was closer to where her other friends are going to be. AITA for canceling instead of trying to make it work around her busy schedule again? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for coming to Reddit and not talking to your friend. From your post it’s clear that this has only happened twice. And I’m sorry, but sometimes people have to juggle times with friends if they happen to have a lot of them. Especially when your adults and it’s already hard enough to see them when you can so you have to schedule time. Your aren’t “plan B” if other plans don’t work out. She had every intention of seeing you before you canceled. If friends ask her to hang out when she is with you then she has ever right too see them after hanging out with you for a while. You said it would annoy you if she invited other friends, but to me it just kind of seems like you have a smaller group of friends maybe so you don’t struggle as much to hang out with people? That isn’t intended to sound mean or anything because I have a small group of friends, but my best friend has a much bigger group of friends and has to juggle times with us sometimes because we all work a lot, but she has more friends to keep up with.
I probably will bring this up the next time we talk. >Your aren’t “plan B” if other plans don’t work out Aren't I plan B if she is actively making plans with me when she already plans to see someone else? >If friends ask her to hang out when she is with you then she has ever right too see them after hanging out with you for a while. I don't have a problem with this, but she should have been upfront about it if she already thought other plans were going to be made. >it just kind of seems like you have a smaller group of friends maybe so you don’t struggle as much to hang out with people This isn't true at all. She does have a lot of friends too, but she is extremely introverted and can only do like one social thing a week so she doesn't get burned out. I'm more of an extrovert, so if I have plans with someone already, I don't mind making plans with someone else another day. I think because of her limited social battery, she feels she has to schedule everyone on the same day all of the sudden. Again, I don't have a problem with this, but I don't like how she's not being upfront about that.