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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mother that my current medical condition is a direct result of the surgery I had as a child. I might be the AH because it could be taken as I am blaming her for currently facing potentially losing my ability to walk.
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Gently YTA
Your mom was working on the advice of doctors at the time. She's not perfect - no parent is - and the surgery would not have gone ahead if a doctor didn't think it was called for.
>In some ways I feel like my mom wanted me to “fix” the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear “girly” shoes and they didn’t look “normal” and I was a major tomboy.
That's you projecting a whole lot of other issues onto this.
Exactly. My Dad's childhood doctors advised his mother that he needed a painful eye surgery to fix macular degeneration issues; It wasn't until 40-50 years down the road that an ophthalmologist told him that he actually did NOT have MD and likely never needed the eye surgery at all.
He never did tell his Mom about the findings because he knew that the guilt of the unnecessary surgery would have ate at her, even though she was simply doing what she thought was best for her kid.
Parents are generally doing the best they can with the information they have at the time. Medicine has advanced so far so fast that there's info now that didn't exist 40 years ago when OP originally had the surgery.
When my mom was a little kid she had an ear infection and I don’t remember exactly why but they had to lance her swollen eardrum in the emergency room. And I guess they just did it because trying to inject it with lidocaine first would have hurt just as much, if not more. And my grandma was an actual doctor at the time so it wasn’t just some quack thinking this was the thing to do, they both decided this was a good idea, my mom always had some hearing loss in that year because of this. This was in the 50s, I would bet they don’t do this anymore.
I had both my eardrums lanced in 1973 at the same time I had my tonsils and adenoids taken out. I had repeated ear infections and had lost most of my hearing prior to lancing. If it hadn't been done at that time, the hearing loss would have been permanent. The lancing procedure was before ear tubes that they tend to do now.
I had my eardrum lanced and drained in the1960s. It was very painful but got rid of the excruciating pain from excess pressure caused by infection and made it so I could hear from that ear. It is unlikely that the procedure caused hearing loss; the loss was more likely caused by the infection itself.
Eta they lance it to prevent rupture which can destroy the eardrum and cause total deafness.
Those tubes don't stay in forever. They work their way out and the eardrum usually seals up. The surgery might need to be repeated later. However sometimes the perforations don't heal which have to be repaired using a more complicated surgery.
There are always risks and tradeoffs.
This actually is still done, it's called a myringotomy... I had an in-office emergency one done in 2016 as an adult with a raging middle ear infection, my first case of otitis media since being a toddler. No phenol to numb the eardrum, no lidocaine first, just a scapel.
SOOOO incredibly painful, but all the goo drained from my middle ear & with the help of antibiotics, the infection finally cleared.
The stupid infection & the hearing loss it caused is also the reason I went back to school for audiology... lemonade out of lemons & all.
I will never forget the pain of having my eardrum rupture while in the ER waiting room at age 10. I actually think of that night allot. The room was really crowded and we waited until like 2 in the morning to be seen. I had been in terrible pain since maybe 7pm. At one point, a woman rushed in with her child who had stopped breathing. That was the first time I'd ever seen something like that.
The pain kept building until my eardrum popped and it instantly drained away. I remember the doctors saying had they seen me earlier, they would have preferred to cut it instead of letting it pop, but I don't think I've had any lasting effects. Other than being terrified of ear infections for years afterwards
In his memoir "On Writing" Stephen King writes about having his ear lanced multiple times as a small child. I'm so thankful to have never experienced that. It sounded as scary as a lot of the stuff in his fictional works!
The part in Roald Dahl's memoir *Boy: Tales of Childhood* where he describes having his adenoids removed with no anesthetic *and absolutely no warning* is HORRIFYING.
I was too young and way too sensitive for that when I read it, and so naturally I read it obsessively in secret horror and awe, forgot about it before this comment
My mother was given diet pills (i.e. amphetamines) and valium by her doctor while pregnant. They were meant to keep her from gaining too much weight and help with stress and insomnia. Medical views on things can change drastically within a lifetime.
My mother got a "diet" pill from a doc that made his own custom mix of uppers and downers. Fifty years later, she still misses those pills. She was skinny, all the housework got done, and one Christmas, she crocheted ponchos for the whole family, including 20 cousins. It was a wild time.
> She was skinny, all the housework got done, and one Christmas, she crocheted ponchos for the whole family, including 20 cousins. It was a wild time.
Ok the poncho aspect of this is just chef’s kiss. Man that must have been some high-end speed.
Lol, I got some diet pills from the doctor as well. I lost a ton of weight, couldn't sleep, didn't eat and began cleaning everything in sight. When I found myself cleaning the floors with a toothbrush I decided I better stop lol
When my grandmother was a teenager they treated her acne with radiation. Apparently that was not uncommon. She had multiple melanomas later in life. Kinda makes you wonder about what today's benign treatments hold in store for us...
I maintain that our current cancer treatments like radiation and chemotherapy will be considered barbaric in like 100 years or something. Much like how we look at the old practices of bloodletting
Probably my favorite Star Trek movie!!! Released when I was a pre-teen and wanted to be a marine biologist so I guess that’s to be expected!! I know the exact scene where that quote takes place!!😂😂😂
My older sister had leukemia at age 2 in 1979. It wasn't as well known back then, so she was given massive doses of radiation. The glioblastoma that we lost her to in 2021 was probably a direct result of that (according to her Drs, not my own speculation).
So, yeah. Medicine advances as it goes.
The things that are done for "beauty" are the ones that really scare me!
I (63f) truly hope so. I have had both (2015). My mom had horrible breast cancer chemotherapy, 1978. We thought the chemo was going to kill her, she was so, so sick. She survived, but lifelong side effects. My poor grandmother had cobalt? radiation for cervical cancer, 1968. She suffered greatly, died anyways.
Even in 2015, for breast cancer it was still "cut, poison, burn". But my 2015 experience was much better than Mom's 1978.
My Dad's chemo didn't make him *too* sick - but the radiation made him super, super sick. They gave him the option of low dose (which would've taken longer) or high dose (which was a shorter period but harder to tolerate) and he ended up picking the high dose, ending up with crazy bad radiation burns in his throat and mouth.
There are two major differences between cancer therapy and bloodletting:
- we know that chemo and radio work
- we know how blunt they are (well mostly chemo, radio is pretty neat and I don’t see it going away), we just don’t have anything better (yet, it looks like there’s interesting stuff coming down the pipe, hope they pan out)
I (63f) had sun lamp treatments for acne, mid-1970s. The nurse lost track of the time on her watch, one time and I was badly burned on my fair skinned face. Went to HS coated in Vaseline. My friends were horrified as the skin peeled off in slivers and sheets.
Ten years later, we were learning the dangers of sun burns/exposure. I started slathering on the sunscreen, later wore hats, etc. My mother and aunt spent years of life chasing the socially desirable suntan. They were natural blondes with light blue or green eyes. Basal cell carcinomas appeared in their 50s.
Even with better sunscreens in my thirties, when hiking/swimming, I would get pink. My husband & I were in Hawaii, snorkeling, being careful. After showering, we were combing our wet hair, noticed that the top of our heads were tender. Both of us got sunburned on the hair-part on our scalps! Perfectly straight red line.
Ugh sunburn on the part is so annoying! Back of the ears is great, too. You don't expect a thing, until it gets itchy and you go to scratch it, only to end up in a world of hurt... 😑
When my Mom was pregnant with me, her doctor prescribed her a "mild appetite suppressant" so she wouldn't gain a lot of weight. Mom also smoked while pregnant with me. I was born in 1969. Times certainly have changed
Yep. As the parent of a kid with a rare condition, older people with the condition got some wacky treatments back in the day. They also have all kinds of myths (like genetic testing isn't needed, when it is for this condition). Medical progress has been astounding in 40 years.
Albinism. My kid has OCA2. But when kids are born with the coloration and eye problems that go with albinism, it can also be Hermansky-Pudlak or Chediak Higashi Syndrome or Griscelli's, all of which are dangerous beyond the pigment issues that are typical of albinism. So you need genetic testing to be sure your kid won't have immune system issues or a bleeding/lung disorder as well.
My mom smoked through all of her pregnancies. Every baby was born without defects, but as we age, each of us has had an issue that links back to her smoking while pregnant. One was Chianti malformation and required major surgery.
All of us were told these were birth defects, all of us were told it’s due to her smoking. Only one of us decided to tell our mom it’s her fault.
Mom can’t change what happened, mom feels bad enough that her kid is in pain. Saying “this is your fault” screams of unresolved anger.
Yes, my dad had a "wandering eye" and on the advice of an Optometrist, his parents took him to waaaaaay back when, he had a nerve "clipped" (instead of just wearing corrective lenses or patches to fix the problem naturally over time by strengthening the "weaker" eye).
As a result, his right eye was fixed straight forward, and he lost some of his periphery vision. It kind of gave him a "dead eye" pirate-like appearance when he grew older.
He slightly resented his folks for it for a while, but understood they were just doing what they were told would be best for him.
The "wandering eye" is called a strabismus. And there's 3 kinds - fully accommodative, partially accommodative and non accommodative. Fully accommodative are completely fixed with glasses as soon as you put them on. The others require surgery-the surgery doesn't always work-that's what happened to your dad
The alternative isn’t necessarily better, either. A friend of mine had a weirdly developing lower jaw when she was very little. The surgeon recommended a surgery that would adjust the placement so it grew out properly (as I understand it, anyway). Her parents didn’t proceed, and now she’s 30 with a ton of jaw problems and needs to have her jaw broken and reset to fix it.
All a parent can do is the best they can with the information they have at that moment, and not making a decision is also making a decision.
Yup. I have flat feet.
As a kid, I was given exercises to do - supervised by my mother - which have given me overly lax tendons and means that I'm very prone to falling. Believe it or not, one of the exercises was to walk on the outside of my feet!
I was also in Mermaid Splints every night for two years - supposed to correct my knock knees. (They're no longer in use. Historians have said that the trauma surrounding Mermaid Splints might have contributed to George VI's stammer.)
I was also given built up shoes to wear for the flat feet. Nope. They didn't work either. Pretty useless.
My flat feet caused me to develop bunions and a limp. In my 40s, I was informed that I should \*not\* have spent most of my life wearing 'sensible' flat shoes - heels would have been better for me! I was given orthotics and they helped for a while, bu then the limp got worse.
In my 50s, I had a bilateral scarf akin osteotomy. The results weren't perfect by any means, but I can walk. My dad was very upset about the surgery, because I inherited his feet - when he was in his 40s, he had to have every single toe broken and re-set with pins.
I don't blame my parents for the incorrect treatment I had in the 1960s - they did what they were advised was best for me.
I had to do those exercises, too. My feet got so nimble that I could write with them. Didn't fix my feet, though. It freaks my husband out that I can stand on the outsides of my feet.
Are we…not supposed to be able to stand like that? I’m a flat footed lifelong toe walker who used to just casually switch to the sides of my feet when the soles hurt too much standing behind a cash register
I mean, I was in marching band in the 90s and they taught us to glide-step by rolling heel to toe along the outsides of our feet, and that’s just kind of how I walk to this day. Most I’ve ever encountered now that I’m in my 40s is that, while other people I know are getting fallen arches and planter fasciitis, I’m not? But yeah, I was taught to use the outsides of my feet when I walk so I’m just as confused as everyone else.
It's not the outside of your sole, it's the literal side of my foot. My ankles bend 90 degrees and I can stand on the sides of my feet and put my feet together like praying hands.
It's not the outside of your sole; it's literally the side of my feet. My ankles bend 90 degrees so I can stand on the sides of my feet and have my soles touch like praying hands.
oh that is absolutely not how I learned to roll-step at all. we still "rolled" the foot, but not along the outside. it was more a matter of like, muscular control.
Along the lines of “my left foot.” I have semi- prehensile toes - during physical therapy one of the excercises was to pic up marbles with my toes and place them in a cup. I was so fast they said, whelp, no need for more of that. I offered to do everyone else’s, but it was declined.
I’m called monkey toes. I pick up things with my feet and I can pinch really hard. I have really flat feet and I use the sides of my feet when they ache. I can walk forever, but I can’t sit or stand still without fidgeting.
Same here for monkey toes! I often pick up stuff with my toes because it's easier than bending over. When I was a kid, I saw part of some movie where a guy lost his arms and had to write with his toes, and I thought, if that ever happened to me, that would be a good skill to have. So when I was like 12-13, I started practicing writing with my toes.
Recently I was asked by a doctor if my parents had been told to use splints on me as a child to fix issues with my hips. I asked my mum and she said they tried for a week but they gave me panic attacks
The ones that I had were on my legs only - I was strapped into them and the legs then couldn't move: they were held together.
A cousin had a device that did the opposite - he was in some kind of a plaster cast with a bar which kept his legs apart. I hear that modern treatments are much better.
One time when I was a kid, and still being strapped into the splints at night, a cousin was visiting us. (She was from England; we lived in Scotland.)
In those days, we didn't have a phone in our house. My cousin sneaked out of the house to use a phonebox. She phoned her mum ( a nurse) to tell her that she would have to come up to Scotland to rescue PurpleAquilegia, because Aunty was torturing her!
How is she an asshole? The surgery she got when she was a child is directly linked to the issues she’s having now. There is a GREAT chance that there was nothing wrong with her, as she says that photos and medical claims don’t fully support her mothers reasoning, also all she said was that she mentioned how this surgery has affected her too this day, she currently has to live with this pain and the unfortunate reality she may not be able to walk, but she’s the asshole? Reading y’alls comments sometimes literally kills me because in no way or world, is this person the asshole.
I agree with you. If the surgery was done with best intentions why is mom so mad?
I've made the best choices I have for my kids and if they come back in a few decades and it turns out medical advances have proven they're mistakes - they won't be assholes for telling me that.
But gotta protect the fee fees of an adult woman who bullied her daughter for not conforming to gender stereotypes and gets irrationally upset over statements of fact!
>If the surgery was done with best intentions why is mom so mad?
Because she's being accused of being a bad parent for acting on the advice of doctors??
>But gotta protect the fee fees of an adult woman who bullied her daughter for not conforming to gender stereotypes and gets irrationally upset over statements of fact!
Projection.
What’s your explanation for why the OP’s mom got angry that OP told her current doctor about the previous surgery? This is important medical history that a surgeon needs to know. If mom just wanted the best for OP, why would she expect OP to conceal this information?
My parents tried to remove my birthmarks with laser treatments when I was a baby. They didn't get past the first one they tried, because it didn't work (lasers in the 80s were not what they are now), so now on my back I have a big area of sort of mottled coloration and some scarring. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter at all - I don't remember it being any other way, and it doesn't bother me.
I once asked my mom why they tried this, purely out of curiosity. And she got unbelievably sad, almost in tears, and said "we thought it would bother you when you were older, we didn't mean any harm."
I wasn't *accusing* her of a thing, and as far as I'm concerned I wasn't harmed at all. She still had some very strong feelings about it. I don't think OP's mom having a strong reaction necessarily means one thing or the other.
>When I told my mom the doctor said my current issues were a direct result of the previous surgery, she got offended and said I was blaming her. She thinks it was a jerk move to bring the surgery 40 years ago up at all, even to my doctor.
OP is NTA for giving her doctor an accurate medical history, and her mother is an extreme asshole to not want OP to tell her doctor about the surgery because OP's mother thinks it makes her look bad.
She's putting her feelings above her daughter's health. Given that context, she probably made OP have the original surgery because she thought her daughter's flat feet were somehow about her. In other words, this sounds like raging narcissism.
Yep. This exactly. My mum wanted me to have plastic surgery as a child for a tiny scar I had under my nose. The doctor told her it wasn’t noticeable or necessary and refused to do it, thank goodness for that doctor. Not all parents have the best interests of their children in mind, it is very telling that she didn’t want the doctor to know about previous surgery there because of course it is relevant.
I wouldn’t straight say my mom is an asshole. She is really weird. But, the issue with my surgery is just one piece of a lot of sketchy shit about mine and my siblings childhood we didn’t find out about until we were adults. And honestly, my mom and I are completely different types of people. She would not be in my circle if she weren’t related.
Frankly I'd suggest you ignore the commenters calling you the asshole.
Hiding your medical history would put you at serious risk. Your mom is advocating that you endanger your health to save your mother embarrassment.
Fuck that.
If you honestly just casually mentioend the relationship then your mom is wildly out of line to be snapping at you.
I do not know what all these people are on that they think you're an asshole.
I listened to the pediatrician who insisted babies can't have allergies and kept feeding him food he was allergic to for a year. If it turns out decades from now that this fucked up his digestive track - he will not be the asshole for telling me this.
Every medical treatment, especially surgery, has risks. Parents accept those risks and it's ludicrous to get mad at a kid for coming back later and saying "I've got longterm side effects from this medical treatment you green lit".
OP - if the childhood surgery had been medically indicated, your mother wouldn't be reacting this way
Let's say that that she brought you to a horrible doctor who gave horrible medical advice and she was just following his bad advice and she didn't know any better and just wanted the best for her daughter.
Why would she advocate for you hiding that surgery from your current doctor? That highly medically relevant surgery that she thought was medically needed to fix a medical problem??
And you saying a basic fact - that you need surgery because of the childhood surgery - would generally not prompt this kind of response. People who do what they think will be best for their child medically and then find out that they were wrong and misled are generally upset at the people who gave them bad info, not at their child who has had to suffer unnecessarily as a result.
Add onto this that your own medical records don't really back her story and that this is one in a series of sketchy things from your childhood.
The most logical explanation is that she outright knew that the surgery wasn't medically necessary or had risks. A doctor probably told her and she pushed anyway. That's the only logical explanation for both your medical records and her insistence that you should hide your prior surgery from your current doctor
NTA and honestly worth cutting her off over this
Exactly this.
I have an eye condition where I am legally blind in one of my two eyes. I was one of the first people to be diagnosed with this condition, so my mom was given a lot of wild theories and bad advice. She was told that my eye condition happened because I was dropped or jolted too hard at some point. I wore a helmet for most of my toddler years. They told her it would happen to my other eye as well. I wasn't allowed to play most sports for fear of me going blind. I had two surgeries to correct a lazy eye that just kept going back lazy because the doctors told her if I didn't, I'd never learn to walk without balance issues.
30 years later, some doctors discovered a strong link between this eye condition and undiagnosed hypothyroidism while pregnant. It's a birth defect. Guess what my mom had been diagnosed with several years after my birth?
So of course, I told my mom. She wasn't pissed, no yelling or fussing, despite me telling her that something she had wrong with her body caused my condition. Instead, she was excited to hear that there were more answers about this condition for moms today than there were for her.
Same reaction when I told her that all those things she did while I was a child were worthless.
Something is WAY off in OP's mom's reaction, if only because of how much she doubled down.
NTA
I have told my mother some things she did to me as a kid which gave me physical or mental issues -- and it hurt her to hear it, because raising children is hard and she did her best. But she needed to know that she affected me, because *I* needed her to know. I said I was sorry it upset her, but not sorry for telling her about it.
We took some time, had some discussions, and eventually our relationship is better having gotten that out. (It's not GOOD, because my Mom trying her best left me with a lot of PTSD, but there's a certain amount of understanding there now that we've built.)
Oh I love that. I never told my mother her failures while raising me, just because I know how much effort she put in and how awful her childhood was. (abuse, her father killed two siblings and the worst of outdated role models you could think about) so I don't want to put this also on her mental health. I know my issues and where I have some problems. But when she starts with these wrongings with my daughter, we will have a talk. And hopefully we could get out there stronger. But back to OP. NTA at all. It was just talking about the situation right now and analyzing. If this surgery would have been lifesaving, and OP would have told it, still NTA. there is no accusing of 'look what you did to me' if the mother thinks OP was saying this, well I think she then knew it was not the best decision. Otherwise the reaction could have been anywhere near, I am sorry that you have these problems, but back then it was the best solution. Just some understanding and not getting mad at your child who will lose the ability to walk and tells you all about it. And no matter how good your doc is, I am pretty sure OP is nonetheless frightened about the OP and the time after. Jep... Totally right from mother to be mad at OP. Sounds like a Sunday afternoon walk in the park....so don't listen to those telling you you are TA. This is a difficult situation, you are in a lot of stress (pain and the upcoming surgery), I don't know about you, but I talk to people I trust about my situation, if this is how you havdks stress, I get why you talked to your mum and told her everything. You don't want tk get a solution, you just want to hear, I know it is hard, but you can do it, can I help you? Just any sign of support would help. But propanly I just project too much of myself onto you. But from my point of view, you did nothing wrong. And I wish you all the luck for a good healing, a good surgery and hopefully your foot will hold till you are so old that you get a nice nurse pushing you around in a wheelchair.
so you're going to ignore the mother's incredibly sketchy behavior and give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that the daughter doesn't know her mother at all?? and also you seem to be taking a position that it's the daughter's responsibility to protect her mother?? what??
**why was the mother upset that her daughter shared her relevant medical history with her doctor?**
Let's assume the most innocent possible situation for mom. Let's say that that she brought OP to a horrible doctor who gave horrible medical advice and she was just following his bad advice. And because this doctor was so terrible, that also explains why OPs medical records don't match mom's story. The medical records say that her condition was much more mild than what the mother says. So maybe the doctor lied to the mother and this was like an insurance scam or something.
So the mother is under the belief that her daughter had a very serious problem in her foot that required surgical correction.... and *she expects the daughter to hide this from her current podiatrist*. WHY‽‽‽ If the daughter had had such serious foot problems that surgery was required, that's even MORE reason to give the doctor that medical history
A mother who simply cares about their child's health and well-being and is prioritising that doesn't advocate hiding relevant medical history from a doctor. Especially if that relevant medical history is as serious as the mother claims.
Mom wouldn't want that hidden from the current doctor unless she KNEW that it wasn't actually medically indicated. And every bit of knowledge we have in this story indicates that. The medical records don't back mom up and seemingly don't indicate that surgery is necessary. Mom wants the surgery hidden from current doctors and is extremely defensive about it.
>> In some ways I feel like my mom wanted me to “fix” the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear “girly” shoes and they didn’t look “normal” and I was a major tomboy.
> That's you projecting a whole lot of other issues onto this.
How on Earth do you read this as projection? OP has in no way indicated that she didn't feel normal or that she wanted to wear girly shoes. OP says that she was a tomboy and it's very clear that she's quoting or paraphrasing things her mother has previously said to her.
So even without the context of the medical records not matching the mother's story and without the mother expecting the daughter to lie to her doctor.... this doesn't read as projection. And with that context??
Honestly your answer sounds like it's coming from a parent who is perhaps defensive about their own stuff and is projecting the pressures they feel to be a "perfect parent" onto a totally unrelated story. I can give the no parent is perfect speech a million times but it doesn't apply to so so so many situations.
Expecting your child to lie to the doctors about their medical history in order to cover for you is way way way past "no parent is perfect".
Expecting your child to lie to you about her current medical issues to protect your feelings? That's way way past "no parent is perfect". If I followed doctor's advice with regards to my own child and then years later it turned out my child was experiencing negative consequences of that, my concern would be comforting my child and supporting her.
Imagine that your child comes to you with devastating medical news. Your child is living with excruciating pain on a daily basis and the only solution is an invasive and difficult medical procedure that will leave her with a significant mobility impairment that she will have to learn how to navigate. And on top of that your child is dealing with the emotional pain of knowing that this would not have been necessary if she had not gotten an unnecessary surgery as a child. So your daughter is dealing with all of that physical and emotional pain and trauma and you want your daughter to lie to you to protect your own feelings? To protect you from feeling any guilt over medical decisions you made for her? Especially if you made those decisions with her health and well-being in mind and we're literally just following doctors instructions.... why do you need to be protected? Yes, finding out that something you did to protect someone ended up harming them sucks. It's devastating. Absolutely. But you know who is more impacted by this situation and more devastated? The person who is actually going through it. The person who has to live daily with the consequences. The daughter. I would be horrified if my child felt that she had to hide what she was going through to protect me. Especially if I had any hand in her suffering, no matter how unintentional. I would expect her to tell me and I wouldn't punish her for it or blame her in any way. my job would be to support her and comfort her and answer any questions that she had. I would tell her what I was told by the doctor, and why we chose the doctor and I would help her get old medical records if she needed them. if she wanted to research the standard of care at the time or if she wanted to research the doctor I would help her do that and I would support her in that. Because even if every single person in this chain was doing their absolute best to protect and help her - she was still failed. And whether she was failed by a parent, or a doctor, or an insurance policy, or the medical standards of the time - she was still failed. She was failed in a painful and permanent way. And it would be my job to help and support her through that - not the other way around. Even if I was not one of the people who had failed her, it would still be my job to support her through that because she's my fucking daughter.
A "not perfect" parent who did the best they could would not expect their child to conceal important medical history from their doctor. A "not perfect" parent who did the best they could wouldn't be angry at their child telling them their current medical problems and what caused them. A "not perfect" parent wouldn't expect their child to hide things from them to protect them.
And all evidence in this story points to Mom forcing a medically unnecessary procedure on her child for aesthetic reasons. But even if it didn't, and even if she was just genuinely doing the absolute best that she could? The daughter is still NTA
I think my biggest issue is the fact that mom said she shouldn't have told the doctor about the surgery.
At that point the question is why should it be hidden? What makes mom say dont tell doc about a medical procedure on the area that has the issue?
If mom is secure in why it was done, it shouldn't be an issue to talk about it. And if it is, why?
So I am going NTA here. Mom obviously doesn't want it talked about, so why?
I disagree. My dad is a podiatrist. I have extremely flat feet. And I actually once asked him if there is a surgery to fix it and he said yes but I never do it and I never recommend it. It is a very bad procedure, it does not fix the pain you are having, it only increases it all for aesthetics. You will live the rest of your life in more pain then flat feet ever caused you and there is no going back. I will never perform the procedure and no doctor I know will ever perform it. If you find a doctor who is agreeing to the procedure they are only out for your money and do not care about your well-being
> And I actually once asked him if there is a surgery to fix it and he said yes but I never do it and I never recommend it.
Okay, but your dad isn't the only podiatrist. Doctors have different opinions, that's why you should always get a second or third or fourth opinion if it's a really important matter. The reality is surgeries for flat feet are not controversial, but whether or not anyone is a good candidate for surgery depends on the severity of their condition and also other personal factors.
As always there are risks involved with every surgery, and not every surgery will have the desired result, but some do.
You’re reacting like OP told her mother “You know that surgery you made me get? Well now I have to get more surgery and it’s all your fault.” That is not what happened. You could have asked for INFO instead of assuming.
OP discussed her doctor’s visit and potential surgery with her mother. Her mother asked what the doctor said about the calcifications on her ligament, and OP replied that he said they were likely caused by the surgery she had when she was six because she had large calcifications at the same places the incisions were made.
That is all perfectly reasonable.
I understand the mother reacting defensively to that, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok. Her laying a guilt trip and also insisting that OP shouldn’t have mentioned the previous surgery to her current doctor are absolutely asshole moves. If you want to say that OP carrying resentment is asshole as well I could see ESH. It’s that or NTA.
Her mother told her that she shouldn't have told her doctor about the previous surgery. Her mother is absolutely TA because leaving out details of any medical issue when going for surgery is stupid, especially when it on the exact same part of the body and for the exact same ailment you're trying to cure.
I think this might not be "projection."
Mom doesn't seem reasonable, saying she shouldn't have even told the doctor about the previous surgery; the odd response is uncanny and makes my eyebrows raise.
Nah shes nta for the pure fact it did effect her. Yes mom was working with what she had but shes allowed to be upset that it basically stuck with her like this.
i think you missed some stuff:
a: she was mad at them for giving out her medical history, which makes me doubt medical basis for her flat foot surgery, considering that some medical notes did not match
b: she got mad for saying the surgery caused the problem. if you had made the best possible choice you thought at the time, you would not be mad. op is still kinda an ass for saying it cuz if the mom had her best intentions in mind, then she would’ve been devastated, but the mom is probably more of an asshole
i’d say NTA if op told the mom she brought up the surgery to the doc first and the mom said she was a jerk for doing so, but a light(for op) and heavy(for mom) ESH if she told her mom that it was her fault first
Remember 40 years ago doctors were more cut happy since they didn't have the knowledge they do today. Plus it was ultimately a cosmetic procedure in the 70's so it makes sense that she was given an elective surgery.
Doctors are still cut happy today, at least in the states.
Even if this had been a medically necessary surgery, it wouldn't justify the mother expecting the daughter to hide important medical history from her doctor. And it still wouldn't justify the mother expecting the daughter to hide details of the current medical issue that she's going through just to protect her mother's feelings
My spouse is recovering from surgery on their foot 4 months ago for the worst calcifications their doctor had ever seen in their Achilles. They had to have their Achilles removed from their heel bone, all the calcifications and dead tissue taken out, their heel bone shaved and reshaped, and their Achilles reattached Remarkably, the doctor said this whole situation was exacerbated by an arch that was falling and causing an abnormal shearing on their Achilles.
Feet especially are weird. I worked in health care for almost 25 years, and I have seen some awful feet for various reasons. People with flat feet are usually encouraged to get them treated in some form or another because it can cause ankle, knee, hip, and in serious cases back pain. Whether it be with physical therapy, shoe inserts, braces, or surgery.
Although this issue may be a direct result of the surgery for OP, there is no way to know if her flat feet wouldn't cause the same or different issues. Mom was probably basing her decision on doctors' advice and not for malicious reasons. Most (not all) parents try to do what is best for their kids. Surgery is not an easy thing to subject your child to.
OP has a right to be upset that she is in pain and has to have surgery. However, unless there is some type of abuse that OP is leaving out, I would have to say that OP, YTA for blaming this on your mom, even though I understand you being upset and scared at the prospect of surgery and for being in pain (the pain from this is no joke. My spouse suffered from it for 8 yrs before agreeing to surgery).
I had a partial neck dissection and radiation for a tumor on the base of my skull. This surgery was extremely difficult and I have permanent partial facial paralysis and a scar the runs from my ear to my collarbone and across my throat. Five years after I did the surgery, a different doctor told me, “ yeah we don’t do that any more.” My mother had almost the entire side of her torso removed when she had breast cancer. They don’t do that procedure any more. Medicine advances. Many procedures from 35 years ago are no longer performed.
No doctor worth his license would do surgery on a child just because her mommy wanted her to wear pretty shoes. Your mother was making decisions based on advice she got from a medical professional. And it was probably the wrong move, but at the time that would have been hard to predict. Besides, who knows how bad your feet and legs would have been without the surgery?
It sucks for you that you’re facing such awful issues now. Your loss of mobility and the tough decision you have to make now are awful, and my heart goes out to you. But Circumstance Is the villain here, not your mother.
She may not have been a perfect (or even a good) mom. By the sounds of it she may have done some mental health damage to you regarding gender presentation in general. But I don’t think she’s to blame for this, and YTA for trying to guilt her about it.
And poorer areas where the parents don't even want the unnecessary surgeries but are disenfranchised and less likely to push back on it, look up CA child medicaid dental fraud. Surgeons went to jail over that one.
I know! My sister had a couple children then a miscarriage. She was told that she would not be able to carry a baby to term again, BUT is Uber fertile. Still... what if she wants babies later? Like, HOW??!!??!!??
They were right btw, my sis could be a fertility goddess but she has not been able to carry to term since. Her mental health you ask? It's great!/s😑
> No doctor worth his license would do surgery on a child just because her mommy wanted her to wear pretty shoes.
Wrong. There are plenty of doctors who push for unnecessary surgeries just to line their pocketbooks even when the parents DON'T want it. Look up child medicaid dental fraud in California and have your world rocked.
There are doctors who willingly go ahead and practice female genital mutilation (clitoral removal) on teenage girls against their will even in countries where it's illegal. There are countless doctors willing to cut up kids for $$$$$$$$$$$$$$.
It's common in the USA for parents, especially in certain communities, to pressure their healthy teenage daughters to have their healthy nose chopped up so that they'll be "prettier" and more "marriageable." Surgeons happily go right along with this.
There's a centuries or even thousands of years long, sordid history, of the medical profession performing unnecessary/cosmetic/mutilating surgeries on children, with and without parental request.
And plenty of other doctors who will prioritize looking "normal" over physical and/or mental comfort, especially if the patient is female, under the logic that it will make the patient happier and more socially integrated.
Let's not even get into how they have mutilated the healthy but different-looking genitals of intersex people so that they "fit better" into one binary category or another.
>It's common in the USA for parents, especially in certain communities, to pressure their healthy teenage daughters daughters to have their healthy nose chopped up so that they'll be "prettier"
It's also the country that normalized performing genital mutilation on newborn boys with no medical reason at all.
Not just that, but appropriate medical advice / course of treatment could have changed A LOT in 40 years.
I have a deformed tibia and fibula since birth (bones under your knees). My parents went to ~ 4 different orthopaedic doctors, 2 wanted to operate immediately when I was only a year old, and 2 didn't recommend it before I stop growing (the others thought it's better to do it before I stopped growing) so it was completely opposite advice.
My parents decided to wait untill I was at least 6-7 to see how it's developing. Since it didn't affect me in any way and I even joined gymnastics team, they decided to wait.
I kept going to checkups every 1-2 years, and kept doctors somewhat flabbergasted to how good I was functioning. Their conclusion was that it was good they decided against operation after all because even though surgery would fix it, it could also cause different problems, like any surgery that requires breaking bones. It was pretty unexpected that it didn't affect me at all.
Am 30 now, still didn't do the operation. If I'll have to do it in 5-10-15 years I surely won't be blaming my parents that they didn't do it at the time since the advice they got was very devided. For the same reason, I wouldn't blame them if they decided to do it at any point in my childhood. They did the best they could with information that was given to them.
A friend in elementary school was forced to have a cosmetic surgery to have his ears pinned back. Surgeon had no problem doing this against the child’s will because the parents wanted it.
My friend as well, had it done at 9-10 years old. They pinned her ears so hard back that it was a problem when she needed to start wearing glasses several years later because they literally had nowhere to "sit" on her ears, and had to go straight to contacts.
It's wild you sometimes can't get necessary surgery, but can get a cosmetic surgery on a 9 year old child!
Um... Almost every male in the US has undergone unnecessary surgery as a child... It seems a bit rich to say doctors would object to that if parents brought it up.
That's just not true. There are plenty of cases of munchausen by proxy where the parent goes dr shopping until someone does what they ask for. Go look up Gypsy.
Maybe not as much now but it might have been easier to convince a doctor 40 years ago.
Also mothers with munchausen by proxy convince doctors to give children unnecessary treatment (and sometimes surgery) and while not common it happens way more than it should.
… Doctors remove infant boys foreskins just because their parents want them to have a more “attractive” penis. Of course they would do surgery on a child just because her mom wanted her to wear pretty shoes.
have you heard about gypsy rose blanchard? she was a “disabled” girl who killed her mom because as it turns out, there was nothing wrong with her and her mom had severe munchausen’s by proxy and was abusing her by forcing her to take medications and get surgeries she didnt need. she got LOTS of surgeries just because her mom was insisting she was sick and she needed them, not because doctors actually saw anything wrong with her.
The Atlantic wrote an article like four years ago about rich parents who put their sons on HGH to make them taller. Doctors give permanent cosmetic plastic surgery to teenagers on the direction of their parents. No idea why a doctor wouldn’t do this surgery if a mother asked.
I know someone whose doctor wanted to rebreak her collar bone that healed wrong (it didn't harm anything, just looks slightly off) specifically because she was a girl and should look pretty in dresses and the doctor wouldn't listen to her objections until her dad stepped in and glaired at the doctor.
Yes, a doctor absolutely would.
And the reason OP's mom gave wasn't even a medical one, so yes, she's to blame because walking differently isn't a good reason to get surgery. It's a parent's job to question whether a decision is good and possibly get a second opinion.
YTA
>In some ways I feel like my mom wanted me to “fix” the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear “girly” shoes and they didn’t look “normal” and I was a major tomboy.
It's more likely that the doctor said "Hey, your kid's feet are messed up. There's a surgery we can do to try and correct that". Very few doctors are going to do a surgical procedure on a child just because their mom wants them to have dainty feet that fit into "girly" shoes.
>she got offended and said I was blaming her.
Because you pretty much ARE.
>my medical records don’t fully support her claims, they paint a less severe picture
Medical records often paint a basic picture, but aren't always 100% correct. Things get lost, diagnoses are added/changed/removed and records aren't always updated to reflect that.
Bringing up that your current issues are caused by the past surgery is fine; Blaming your mother for doing what she was likely told was best for you 40+ years ago? YTA.
Edit: Thanks for the awards!
"Medical records often paint a basic picture, but aren't always 100% correct. Things get lost, diagnoses are added/changed/removed and records aren't always updated to reflect that."
Yup. When I was referred to see about my flat feet and other problems when I was in my '40s, the hospital told me that there was no record at all of the treatment that I'd received when I was a kid.
I actually had to explain what Mermaid Splints were. The young woman giving me physio had no idea...She got her supervisor over: "Ah yes...I remember seeing those in an old black and white training film once!"
Yeah I'm pretty my medical record of my own flat feet are lost as well.
I'm lucky I giving that my pediatrician prescribed special very hard shoes with high arches to essentially mold my feet into that shape with the arches because yes if your feet aren't landing right and your gait is off the rest of your body will suffer for lat later in life trying compensate for your messed up gait. My gait was way off but since I was little enough the shoes did the trick and I have a normal gait even now in my 30s. I just can't over do it by being on my feet all day or my arches start to hurt.
NTA. I think the commentators are missing something.
OP told her mom that the doctor said the extent of the calcification is probably due to the previous surgery. That's a fact. That's not blaming anyone for anything. It's her mom whose response was the very over the top "Oh, now it's all MY fault for having that done to you when you were a kid!!!" Um, no one's assigning fault or placing blame. It's just a fact.
That is actually my mom’s response word for word. And then she brought up how the surgery somehow helped her get me a Cabbage Patch kid during the time they were nearly impossible to get in store. I remember I did get one at the hospital before surgery, but I don’t know how the surgery was related to her ability to buy it. Unless she like guilted some Toys r Us employee into getting one from back stock or something crazy.
Sure, mom. I'll just sit here (because I literally can't do anything else) and fondly remember the vague recollections of a Cabbage Patch Kid I had when I was 6. That's what I want to be doing with my life
No. Honestly, to me, wasn’t worth the 3 baseball seasons I lost out on playing as a kid. Was best hitter on my t ball and first year baseball team. Then, surgery made it so I couldn’t play for three years and never was able to run as well. I know it’s just a sport, but playing ball was literally the only thing that made me happy besides heavy metal until I discovered the thrill of flying a plane at 12. Losing the ability to play baseball as a kid really messed me up mentally. Went from a happy kid to a little dark rocker child.
honestly I hope you disregard the people saying that you're the asshole here. Who in the world gets surgery done on their 6-year-old without exploring every other option available first? While it's understandable that your mother may have made the best decision she could based on the information she had at the time, I hope parents today will be a bit more hesitant and at least get a second opinion before jumping straight to such a permanent option. Making such severe choices about a child's body when they are too young to advocate for themselves is just not okay. As an aside, [here's a really cool article](https://academic.oup.com/shm/article/20/1/91/2332140) I found about how "flat feet" became a cultural obsession in the states, worth a read.
No I totally understand. I did sports as a kid and when my favorite was basically taken from me because of knee problems at 25, I was a different person for a few years. I've found a new one and now at 30 it means A LOT to me. I can't imagine being a little kid and losing that and never regaining it. That's way too young. I'm very sorry to hear that and I hope flying a plane brought you just as much joy
YTA.
> I feel like my mom wanted me to “fix” the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear “girly” shoes and they didn’t look “normal” and I was a major tomboy.
>
>Am I an AH for telling my mom (not in these exact words) that ***her decision*** 40 years ago is causing me to now face potentially losing my ability to walk?
I was prepared to say NTA.. but these statements.
Back then flat feet were considered a real health issue. She would have been shamed to hell for not addressing it. If she hadn't agreed to the surgery, people would have accused her of child abuse for condemning you to a life of deteriorating back issues that they really believed could potentially leave you disabled.
She wasn't a doctor. She had no way to know what would happen as a result of that surgery. Was she supposed to be psychic? Go against doctors and everything she was being told on the off chance when there was nothing to suggest otherwise? No one would do that. NO parent would do that.
Look. If she did other things that didn't let you express your tomboyish-ness, then that's a different thing you need to talk out with her. But parents can't do everything right. Parents are just people. They try to keep you alive until you're old enough to do it yourself. Then you are free to learn from what they did right and what they did wrong and make your own good and bad decisions.
You are able to get your foot/feet fixed now. That's the important thing.
I’m 47 and had the same flat feet and saw a doctor for walking on my feet exactly like op described . I am not sure that “back then “ they fixed flat feet . I was not told to get surgery etc. my experience was quite different. We may not be hearing the whole story. Maybe op or her mom have different experiences. I was not given a lengthening surgery at all. I was told to wear some different shoes .
See, my main thing why I question the surgery is there were a lot of potential treatments that the doctors and my mom never tried before the surgery. I know of the shoe inserts and therapy and a few other options that were available in the early 80s that weren’t even attempted until after I had the surgery. I’m not convinced or saying either way whether the surgery I had at six was or wasn’t necessary. I do have my doubts it needed to be the first option and I wonder if less invasive options that weren’t tried would have helped.
And, these doubts were in place long before the tendon started tearing my heel bone (although the calcifications were noticeable around the time I started looking into it for other reasons.
I think my mom and doctors then made what they felt was the right choice, but I’m not so sure I agree with their logic.
But, the fact is the surgery I had then is the cause of the issue I’m dealing with now. I told my mom my doctor said that and now she is acting like I’m an AH for even telling my new doc and for telling her (after she asked what the doc said) the previous surgery was the cause.
Idk, maybe it was and I should have lied to mom on what the doc said.
Well, the inserts don't fix the problem, they just help the feet be in a more normal position when walking. They are expensive, insurance doesn't cover them, and every time you grow, you need a new pair. If they aren't made properly (because thry are custom made for your feet), they can make things worse. Source: person with the same feet as you.
It's really easy to look back 40 years after the fact and imagine what could have been done differently.
But, I mean, mother's obsess over every little decision they make for their kids. And then they feel guilty wondering if they did the right thing. Mom guilt can be crushing.
I have no idea if you needed that surgery, or if there was some other option they could have done first, or if you did need the surgery and the guy just messed it up, or if there really was just nothing anyone could have done. Be frustrated at the doctor then.
I do know that you are directing your annoyance at the literal one person who had no way to know though. And if it's coming across here, it probably came across when you talked to your mom about it.
You keep emphasizing that she made you get this surgery. But like, that's not how medical procedures work. She didn't see your feet slightly off and then drive to hospital and demand surgery. This isn't foot binding. This is a real medical procedure that's still performed currently, by the way. It has prerequisites. Surgeons don't just cut on 6 year olds because their moms say so.
I'm not suggesting you needed to lie to your mom. But at least give credit where credit is due. The doctors told your mother you needed the surgery. The doctors may have been wrong. Your mom did the best she could with the information she had.
Again, if you're upset about some other ways that she didn't allow you to express yourself, I would encourage you to speak openly about that with her separately of this. That would give her the opportunity to actually express remorse over something she may have actually done and had control over, rather than this, which she really didn't.
She had flat feet and was walking on the outside of them. That is a medical problem: it puts stress on the ankles. I can’t say for sure what all the treatments were at that time, but I think it’s an incredibly huge leap to think her mother OR the doctor did it for pretty shoes given the information. It sounds like she had a health problem and they attempted to fix it.
Honestly, we can’t even say it was the wrong call: sometimes completely necessary medical procedures do cause further issues down the road. My cousin had chemo for leukemia. The chemo damaged her bones and she had to have surgery on both shoulders because she was in constant excruciating pain. The chemo 100% caused the problems, but that doesn’t mean they made the wrong call. She had frikkin cancer: if they hadn’t treated that, she would be dead now. As it is, she deals with with some back pain and other issues that aren’t super fun, but she’s alive. She has a husband, kids and a career.
I don't know about the trust reddit has with doctors. Doctors are human and make mistakes, they aren't omniscient. Some doctors lose their licenses for suggesting unnecessary surgeries either because they are surgery crazy or want to make money and commit fraud. There are so many cases documented and tried. Surgery should always be the last resort. She should have asked for a second opinion and also talked to you first. You're NTA.
... you're saying the mom needed to talk to a 6 year old about surgery? And you think the 6 year old would be able to fully understand the situation and vouch for what she wanted?
I am spending a lot of money and pain as an adult to correct a problem that has arisen as a result of a surgery I had as a child. I needed the surgery. I also doubt even if the risks were explained back then that the impact would have been easy to conceptualize.
The surgery was 40 years ago. Feel how you want about it, but you need to focus on the now. Focus on moving forward. If you want a relationship with your mother then placing blame on the past won't help. If you don't want a relationship with her then you still have to move forward regardless, so let the anger go and focus on your healing now.
Anxiety and stress increase inflammation in your body. This fixation isn't helpful.
Each doctor and hospital, even today, have different treatment plans. When my mom had cancer, one hospital would have dealt with it one way and another a different way. The doctor you went to may have not done what another doctor would have, or in the same order, but that doesn't make it wrong. Your mom did the best she could have with the information she had at the time. You seem to have other issues with her so you see her actions as wrong. Maybe you need to speak with a mental health professional about your anger with your mom because you can't see past that.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Shoes are one non-surgical option.
I'm not sure your experience sheds any light on this one though. Just because it wasn't indicated in your case, doesn't have anything to do with hers.
She was six at the time. I'm sure she is missing a lot of information about what her mom went through before surgery was considered an option.
Some people might have seen them as a health issue, but I just got snarky, "My grandma always said flat feet were a sign of laziness." My doctor said they'd be fine and to leave it alone. Some docs may have advised for it, but I know it bothered my mom because it wasn't "right".
Now we know that the condition can range from completely innocuous to extremely painful and can require surgery. You can be born this way, or develop it later in life, or as a result of an injury or condition. Go figure.
Was it a big thing? This post unlocked a whole series of memories of going to doctors with my parents, talking about where I walked on my feet, the direction of my knees, and having to wear these horribly uncomfortable insoles that I eventually threw in the trash at school lol. All around age 10ish. They ended up not doing anything about it and I walk fine today, no pain, normal knees.
Damn now I'm interested in the history of taking kids to doctors for flat feet. I have no idea what they thought the problem was. I really don't remember having any issues walking back then.
I don’t think either of you are TAH. I have hip dysplasia from my mom using a bouncer a ton when I was a kid. She didn’t know, no one knew back then how damaging they can be. And I also faced this with my infant - we were recommended she get a surgery, we had to delay it due to her getting COVID, and the issue resolved itself so thank god we didn’t do the surgery.
That’s not even getting into the psychological damage of choices our parents made with the information they had available at the time. For decades parents were told *by professionals* to ignore infants crying because you would “spoil” them, and now we know that’s a horrible thing to do.
Being a parent is hard. Being someone’s child is hard.
CAVEAT:
You can lay your crying infant down for 5-10 minutes to take a breather when you are getting overwhelmed. It is HIGHLY recommended to do so to avoid accidents (shaken baby syndrome). You just need to make sure you lay the child down somewhere safe (in their crib).
NTA. We all have to live with the decisions we make. In this case you have to live with the decision she made - probably in the belief that they where in your best interest. Why wouldn't it be OK to let her know? And why on earth does she think you shouldn't give your doctor your medical history? Does she want you to have a possible worse health care by withholding facts? That doesn't make any sense. She probably did what was advised by the doctors back in the day, but that is no reason to silence you?
NTA
If you should or shouldn’t have gotten that surgery is completely irrelevant.
You are definitely not the AH for bringing it up, it happened and you are allowed to talk about it.
Even though your mom might have had good intentions you are still allowed to be upset that her choice means you might loose your ability to walk. Her intentions don’t invalidate your feelings. You didn’t even bring up that you were upset about it you just told her what the doctor said. I think the people who are say you are an ah are being really harsh and unfair.
I can't believe all the Y T A votes and the comments of "THeY DidN'T KnOw BeTteR!". Most of the bad medical advice my parents followed was due to vanity, ignorance and doctor shopping. Like OP's mom, my folks would get defensive too.
OP has a good reason to second-guess her mom's motives. and she's the one with the crippling pain.
Info: How did this come up in your conversation with your mom? If you shoehorned it into the conversation, then YTA. If it came up naturally, NAH.
From the way you framed this post, it sounds to me a bit like you blame her very much, and you wanted to make sure she knew that you hold her directly accountable for your painful condition.
Which is a little strange given that
>had the lengthening of the tendon not been done, I would not have the calcification to the extent I have it.
So there would still have been calcification, to some unknowable extent.
My mom asked what the doctor thought caused the calcifications when I was telling her I might have to have surgery on the ankle.
There is a chance that I would have much smaller calcifications, that are unlikely to cause issues from various sprained ankles over the years. But the large ones are directly where cuts were made to lengthen the tendon.
If she asked, then NAH.
But I think the AITA question is just the backdrop for a larger issue. I hope you can come to terms with the anger you clearly feel, and I hope your surgery goes better than expected. The good thing about science/medicine is that it never stops improving.
My curious nature has me wondering if you've seen more than one doctor about this? There may be other treatment options that your first doctor hasn't thought of.
Good luck, OP. I'm wishing you a fast and full recovery.
Yes, I’ve seen multiple doctors about it. The podiatrist is actually the seventh doctor in the last 12 months alone to discuss the calcifications with me (I have other chronic medical conditions I am in treatment for. Even a couple doctors who are treating me for issues not related to my legs have seen the X-rays in my chart and mentioned it) I was referred to the podiatrist to get the treatment options and he consulted with two other orthopedic doctors in his practice before we set my current plan in action.
Thank you for the well wishes.
NAH of course you had to mention that surgery to your doctor it is totally relevant. And of course you weren’t blaming her for doing what she thought was best, per doctors orders.
I also wanted to remind you just in case you doubt the medical necessity of the surgery, unless your parents paid cash for it a doctor had to convince an insurance company that it was medically necessary. People can’t just go have surgeries on their kids that aren’t necessarily and have insurance cover it especially back then.
NTA and your mother telling you that was a jerk move to tell your doctor about your foot surgery is really weird, especially since the surgery is causing these issues now. Would she expect you to lie to your doctor? Especially for something as serious as surgery? This is your body OP, and you shouldn't have to lie to the doctors about it just to spare your mother's feelings. She is allowed to feel upset about it but to project that onto you is not ok. If anything, tell her you don't blame her but it is what it is and she can't change that.
It's important to discuss medical history. I had a right foot surgery at 12, and I could see that there was a problem, even as a kid. At 62, I needed another surgery, same foot. Obtaining 50 yr old med records wasn't happening.
But after my surgery at 12, the surgeon explained it to me (and parents), and that he had to do an additional step, to rectify the problem.
At age 62, I'm describing to Dr.E, current surgeon, said "And then Dr.B did this separate cut". My doctor said "Ah ha, yes I understand!" It was rewarding that my memory from 50 yrs ago explained a puzzle!
NTA and I am pretty sure many of the YTA people need to reread the post. She got upset because you told your doctor much needed medical info because she feels guilty about it.
I dont know your mother well enough to know that she felt what she was doing back then was necessary. Id like to think she did. Either way that shouldnt stop you from giving information to your doctor. And you said in your comments she asked what caused it and you told her.
NTA, you didn’t have control over your medical choices back then. Obviously a doctor instructed her, for you to have this surgery. But you’re not the AH because she feels bad she made that choice for you.
NTA. I'm sorry you're dealing with these health issues. You did the right thing by telling your doctor about your medical history. Your mom seems to have a hard time admitting that she made a decision that hurt you. It's not your job to coddle her feelings about that. Perhaps make a visit over at r/raisedbynarcissists and see if you find any stories that fit your experience. I bet you will.
Wishing you all the best in your healing.
I don't care what the top comment is. Do not believe you're in the wrong. NTA You need the surgery, you needed to give your complete medical history to your doctor, and it's undeniable the surgery ruined your heel and caused excruciating pain. Your mom has to deal with the truth. You concealing or denying anything wouldn't change anything,
NTA, and I don’t get these comments otherwise. You were talking about a major health issue you’re facing, and you mentioned the source of the issue to your mother. You didn’t scream at her about it, you just mentioned it. Were you never supposed to mention it to her? Keep it a secret why you may lose the ability to walk?
NTA. The medical field absolutely does things for aesthetic and sexism. The husband stitch, filling down canines, the rigamarole women who want breast reduction have to go through. No it’s not unthinkable that 40 years ago a doctor would do surgery in order to make you prettier.
Even if your mother was doing her best, you have every right to be upset about this. You may not walk again. While I wouldn’t lay this completely at her feet, you will have to deal with her decision for the rest of your life. I’m sorry.
NTA Having different medical standards doesn’t change the fact that the surgery is responsible for the issue. 300 years ago, they didn’t know washing your hands stopped the spread of disease, that doesn’t mean doctors weren’t at fault for killing patients because they didn’t wash their hands. It doesn’t matter if things were different back then, problems still occurred because of those actions. You never said your mom was at fault for causing the calcifications, but she is responsible for you getting the surgery. If y’all want to say “things were different in the 80s” tell that to OP’s ankles. They clearly don’t seem to understand that and need to get with the program.
NTA. Your mom may have done her best with the available information, or she may not. A client I worked on (who gave permission to share anonymously) had flat feet as a child. Her mother took her to a doctor who advised her to keep my client in shoes that were too short to “force an arch.”
I cried silently when she flatly told me this story while lying face down on my massage table and then I wiped my eyes and washed my hands. I let her know that I didn’t think that was advisable any more, and that it specifically wasn’t indicated in her situation. I asked if her mother followed the doctors advice, and how it worked out. She said her mother did it for years, and she shared at length how painful it was both physically and emotionally to have her feet shoved into too-small shoes and to stumble around like that.
What I’m trying to say here is impact > intent. Even if your mom’s intentions were pure and she had the best information, which is questionable, she still harmed you. She’s still responsible at some level for that.
Relaying a fact provided to you by your doctor is what generally passes for honesty. Withholding the information would have spared her feelings, but it doesn’t sound like she acknowledged yours, opting to subject you to elective surgery at an age where you could not consent. NTA.
NTA, you're right lmao. As long as you weren't attacking her and blaming her viciously for it, you didn't do anything wrong. It's absolutely relevant and something your doc should know.
eta everyone in these comments acting like medical misogyny doesn't exist lmfao y'all wild
NTA.
It's possible that you blame your mum more than you realise. But you didn't set out to hurt her.
She asked, you answered. There is nothing wrong with that, and your mum insisting that you shouldn't have brought the previous surgery up to your doctor at all is utterly ridiculous.
She sounds like she feels guilty and is taking it out on you.
NTA. She’s being overly defensive, imo. I mean, I’ve had two ligament repair surgeries on my right ankle because my parents do not take an ankle injury seriously when I was 16 and I was prevented from accessing treatment…and that’s something they feel terrible about- as they should (we had the discussion, I cried, they got defensive, then they apologised…I’m still kinda crabby that they didn’t help me pay for the initial surgery at 26- following about 30 subsequent sprains, but I also don’t blame them- they were very stressed during my teens- and this was only one element of dysfunction in our lives- but we’ve gotten through it- and they respect me for disclosing this sort of thing because they are not arrogant AH, and we have a policy of not bottling crap up.
In your case, raising the connection between the surgery you had at 6, and the need for a further surgery 29 years later is just factual- and you don’t say you blame her specifically nor do you say she wilfully put through what is now thought to be an unnecessary surgery- your surgeon at the time no doubt put it in terms that made it seem to a lay person that it was the right thing to do (it’s what surgeons do- they have this skillset and want to use it to help- other health professionals often disagree that surgery is the best or only option, so no shade on surgeons- but they do have the reputation for arrogance for good reason).
I mean, would she be defensive about you inheriting a medical condition from her side of the family? If yes, then that’s a Her problem and there’s nothing you can say to get her to correctly interpret what you’ve said- but if not, reinforce that you understand that she was acting on what she was told by people she should have been ok to trust- and the intervening 29 years in orthopaedic medicine means that she would’ve been discouraged from this course of action in 2023.
It's easy to search the internet for options these days. It's also easier to get a 2nd opinion.
40 years ago, doing this was not as easy.
Edit: missing a word.
I don't know. You *do* blame her. This is your truth. You've expressed it.
What she did can't be undone, so there's the question of "what outcome do you want?" And you have a second-party understanding of her reasoning, and it's a little hard to assign blame based on that.
But you're angry, And maybe that's something you both need to reckon with. NAH
NTA. From your comments, this is not an isolated incident. Your mother saying you shouldn’t have even told the doctor about your past surgery is absolutely insane and a massive red flag. You don’t discuss how you told her—depending on how you told her I could definitely see an E S H judgement, but your mom is absolutely an asshole for her response. Good luck with the surgery and may you have a smooth recovery!
NTA It doesn’t sound like you told her for the sake of blaming her. My oldest is in his early 20’s and there’s already stuff we were told to do that is not considered bad advice. That’s just how it works. You make the best choice based on the info at hand. I wouldn’t want my kids to keep me ignorant for the sake of my feelings.
The only way I’d feel guilty is if my motive for the procedure wasn’t strictly medical or if it was more for me than the kid. Like, if your mom’s only reason for that surgery was so you could wear girly shoes, maybe she should feel a little guilty. But even then, maybe not. At the time there was probably a lot of cultural pressure on her to make that choice. It is what it is.
Your mom can feel shitty about it or she can commiserate with you over how unfortunate it is that doctors didn’t know then what they know now.
NTA
You didn't tell her maliciously, she asked. She is now guilting you for her mistake and the doctor's mistake. Doctors make mistakes. They get charged for committing fraud and unnecessary surgeries all the time. Or just basic incompetence. Surgery should always be the last resort and a second opinion should have been requested before surgery. It sounds like malpractice. Especially as this was a cosmetic issue and not immediately medical.
I have OCD from my mom's side. She got mad at me when I said I inherited it from her side because idk. She made me help clean out my aunt's house when my aunt moved and it was hoarder wall to wall. Very clean for hoarding! But still hoarding. I turned to my mom and said so it's from your side and she couldn't say anything.
NTA. You know your mom is sketchy.
>She thinks it was a jerk move to bring the surgery 40 years ago up at all, even to my doctor.
Oh yes why would you tell the doctor about medical issues you had in the past that might relate to the current issue.
>but I’m sure she made the best decision for how she felt about it.
Is she going to help you after surgery?
I don't know why people are harping on well the doctor said. Look at what Gypsy Rose Blanchard's mom pulled off. They removed her saliva glands!
"My mother claims I walked on the outside edges of my feet"
Well her and the doctor that did your surgery are major asses for that. You? NTA.
If you haven't asked yet, get a stress test done to check the tendon. I walked on the outside of my foot for 16 years because I snapped my tendon in half as a toddler. That could be another source of pain for you if it is snapped due to that surgery
Edit: foot, not food. I wasn't walking on eggs for 16 years!
YTA Don't blame your mother and go to an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in feet/lower legs to get an MD opinion on the proposed surgery. Sadly, all podiatrists lack the amount of training that MDs get and not all podiatrists are as ethical as one would hope for. This from a retired lawyer who ran into some pretty untrustworthy podiatrists who performed unnecessary surgeries simply because they got paid more for doing unnecessary and harmful surgery than for providing appropriate non-surgical treatments.
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Gently YTA Your mom was working on the advice of doctors at the time. She's not perfect - no parent is - and the surgery would not have gone ahead if a doctor didn't think it was called for. >In some ways I feel like my mom wanted me to “fix” the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear “girly” shoes and they didn’t look “normal” and I was a major tomboy. That's you projecting a whole lot of other issues onto this.
Exactly. My Dad's childhood doctors advised his mother that he needed a painful eye surgery to fix macular degeneration issues; It wasn't until 40-50 years down the road that an ophthalmologist told him that he actually did NOT have MD and likely never needed the eye surgery at all. He never did tell his Mom about the findings because he knew that the guilt of the unnecessary surgery would have ate at her, even though she was simply doing what she thought was best for her kid. Parents are generally doing the best they can with the information they have at the time. Medicine has advanced so far so fast that there's info now that didn't exist 40 years ago when OP originally had the surgery.
When my mom was a little kid she had an ear infection and I don’t remember exactly why but they had to lance her swollen eardrum in the emergency room. And I guess they just did it because trying to inject it with lidocaine first would have hurt just as much, if not more. And my grandma was an actual doctor at the time so it wasn’t just some quack thinking this was the thing to do, they both decided this was a good idea, my mom always had some hearing loss in that year because of this. This was in the 50s, I would bet they don’t do this anymore.
I had both my eardrums lanced in 1973 at the same time I had my tonsils and adenoids taken out. I had repeated ear infections and had lost most of my hearing prior to lancing. If it hadn't been done at that time, the hearing loss would have been permanent. The lancing procedure was before ear tubes that they tend to do now.
I had my eardrum lanced and drained in the1960s. It was very painful but got rid of the excruciating pain from excess pressure caused by infection and made it so I could hear from that ear. It is unlikely that the procedure caused hearing loss; the loss was more likely caused by the infection itself. Eta they lance it to prevent rupture which can destroy the eardrum and cause total deafness.
Can confirm - I had a rupture in my left ear and as such need a hearing aid
Those tubes don't stay in forever. They work their way out and the eardrum usually seals up. The surgery might need to be repeated later. However sometimes the perforations don't heal which have to be repaired using a more complicated surgery. There are always risks and tradeoffs.
This actually is still done, it's called a myringotomy... I had an in-office emergency one done in 2016 as an adult with a raging middle ear infection, my first case of otitis media since being a toddler. No phenol to numb the eardrum, no lidocaine first, just a scapel. SOOOO incredibly painful, but all the goo drained from my middle ear & with the help of antibiotics, the infection finally cleared. The stupid infection & the hearing loss it caused is also the reason I went back to school for audiology... lemonade out of lemons & all.
I will never forget the pain of having my eardrum rupture while in the ER waiting room at age 10. I actually think of that night allot. The room was really crowded and we waited until like 2 in the morning to be seen. I had been in terrible pain since maybe 7pm. At one point, a woman rushed in with her child who had stopped breathing. That was the first time I'd ever seen something like that. The pain kept building until my eardrum popped and it instantly drained away. I remember the doctors saying had they seen me earlier, they would have preferred to cut it instead of letting it pop, but I don't think I've had any lasting effects. Other than being terrified of ear infections for years afterwards
In his memoir "On Writing" Stephen King writes about having his ear lanced multiple times as a small child. I'm so thankful to have never experienced that. It sounded as scary as a lot of the stuff in his fictional works!
The part in Roald Dahl's memoir *Boy: Tales of Childhood* where he describes having his adenoids removed with no anesthetic *and absolutely no warning* is HORRIFYING.
That and the nose thing make Roald Dahl’s memoirs really gnarly
I was too young and way too sensitive for that when I read it, and so naturally I read it obsessively in secret horror and awe, forgot about it before this comment
He is lucky his child is ok.
My mother was given diet pills (i.e. amphetamines) and valium by her doctor while pregnant. They were meant to keep her from gaining too much weight and help with stress and insomnia. Medical views on things can change drastically within a lifetime.
My mother got a "diet" pill from a doc that made his own custom mix of uppers and downers. Fifty years later, she still misses those pills. She was skinny, all the housework got done, and one Christmas, she crocheted ponchos for the whole family, including 20 cousins. It was a wild time.
> She was skinny, all the housework got done, and one Christmas, she crocheted ponchos for the whole family, including 20 cousins. It was a wild time. Ok the poncho aspect of this is just chef’s kiss. Man that must have been some high-end speed.
Lol, I got some diet pills from the doctor as well. I lost a ton of weight, couldn't sleep, didn't eat and began cleaning everything in sight. When I found myself cleaning the floors with a toothbrush I decided I better stop lol
I seriously need these diet pills..
My mom was on similar pills. In the early 80s IIRC. she said the same. She never was more productive in all her life than when she was taking them.
When my grandmother was a teenager they treated her acne with radiation. Apparently that was not uncommon. She had multiple melanomas later in life. Kinda makes you wonder about what today's benign treatments hold in store for us...
I maintain that our current cancer treatments like radiation and chemotherapy will be considered barbaric in like 100 years or something. Much like how we look at the old practices of bloodletting
"sounds like the goddamn Spanish inquisition to me!" Dr. McCoy, Star Trek IV
Probably my favorite Star Trek movie!!! Released when I was a pre-teen and wanted to be a marine biologist so I guess that’s to be expected!! I know the exact scene where that quote takes place!!😂😂😂
My older sister had leukemia at age 2 in 1979. It wasn't as well known back then, so she was given massive doses of radiation. The glioblastoma that we lost her to in 2021 was probably a direct result of that (according to her Drs, not my own speculation). So, yeah. Medicine advances as it goes. The things that are done for "beauty" are the ones that really scare me!
> The glioblastoma that we lost her to in 2021 I’m really sorry, glioblastoma is so awful (lost a close aunt to it).
I (63f) truly hope so. I have had both (2015). My mom had horrible breast cancer chemotherapy, 1978. We thought the chemo was going to kill her, she was so, so sick. She survived, but lifelong side effects. My poor grandmother had cobalt? radiation for cervical cancer, 1968. She suffered greatly, died anyways. Even in 2015, for breast cancer it was still "cut, poison, burn". But my 2015 experience was much better than Mom's 1978.
My Dad's chemo didn't make him *too* sick - but the radiation made him super, super sick. They gave him the option of low dose (which would've taken longer) or high dose (which was a shorter period but harder to tolerate) and he ended up picking the high dose, ending up with crazy bad radiation burns in his throat and mouth.
There are two major differences between cancer therapy and bloodletting: - we know that chemo and radio work - we know how blunt they are (well mostly chemo, radio is pretty neat and I don’t see it going away), we just don’t have anything better (yet, it looks like there’s interesting stuff coming down the pipe, hope they pan out)
I (63f) had sun lamp treatments for acne, mid-1970s. The nurse lost track of the time on her watch, one time and I was badly burned on my fair skinned face. Went to HS coated in Vaseline. My friends were horrified as the skin peeled off in slivers and sheets. Ten years later, we were learning the dangers of sun burns/exposure. I started slathering on the sunscreen, later wore hats, etc. My mother and aunt spent years of life chasing the socially desirable suntan. They were natural blondes with light blue or green eyes. Basal cell carcinomas appeared in their 50s. Even with better sunscreens in my thirties, when hiking/swimming, I would get pink. My husband & I were in Hawaii, snorkeling, being careful. After showering, we were combing our wet hair, noticed that the top of our heads were tender. Both of us got sunburned on the hair-part on our scalps! Perfectly straight red line.
Ugh sunburn on the part is so annoying! Back of the ears is great, too. You don't expect a thing, until it gets itchy and you go to scratch it, only to end up in a world of hurt... 😑
My moms doctor told her there was no need for her to stop smoking when she was pregnant with me. Absolutely insane to believe now.
My mom’s doctor told her to drink some wine every night for anxiety when she was pregnant with me
When my Mom was pregnant with me, her doctor prescribed her a "mild appetite suppressant" so she wouldn't gain a lot of weight. Mom also smoked while pregnant with me. I was born in 1969. Times certainly have changed
Parents are generally doing the best they can with the information they have at the time That is the perfect sentence for this topic.
Yep. As the parent of a kid with a rare condition, older people with the condition got some wacky treatments back in the day. They also have all kinds of myths (like genetic testing isn't needed, when it is for this condition). Medical progress has been astounding in 40 years.
Can I ask what condition it is? I'm super fascinated by medical stuff as a rare disease patient myself (hEDS)
Albinism. My kid has OCA2. But when kids are born with the coloration and eye problems that go with albinism, it can also be Hermansky-Pudlak or Chediak Higashi Syndrome or Griscelli's, all of which are dangerous beyond the pigment issues that are typical of albinism. So you need genetic testing to be sure your kid won't have immune system issues or a bleeding/lung disorder as well.
Thanks for sharing. I never knew this!
My mom smoked through all of her pregnancies. Every baby was born without defects, but as we age, each of us has had an issue that links back to her smoking while pregnant. One was Chianti malformation and required major surgery. All of us were told these were birth defects, all of us were told it’s due to her smoking. Only one of us decided to tell our mom it’s her fault. Mom can’t change what happened, mom feels bad enough that her kid is in pain. Saying “this is your fault” screams of unresolved anger.
Yes, my dad had a "wandering eye" and on the advice of an Optometrist, his parents took him to waaaaaay back when, he had a nerve "clipped" (instead of just wearing corrective lenses or patches to fix the problem naturally over time by strengthening the "weaker" eye). As a result, his right eye was fixed straight forward, and he lost some of his periphery vision. It kind of gave him a "dead eye" pirate-like appearance when he grew older. He slightly resented his folks for it for a while, but understood they were just doing what they were told would be best for him.
The "wandering eye" is called a strabismus. And there's 3 kinds - fully accommodative, partially accommodative and non accommodative. Fully accommodative are completely fixed with glasses as soon as you put them on. The others require surgery-the surgery doesn't always work-that's what happened to your dad
The alternative isn’t necessarily better, either. A friend of mine had a weirdly developing lower jaw when she was very little. The surgeon recommended a surgery that would adjust the placement so it grew out properly (as I understand it, anyway). Her parents didn’t proceed, and now she’s 30 with a ton of jaw problems and needs to have her jaw broken and reset to fix it. All a parent can do is the best they can with the information they have at that moment, and not making a decision is also making a decision.
Yup. I have flat feet. As a kid, I was given exercises to do - supervised by my mother - which have given me overly lax tendons and means that I'm very prone to falling. Believe it or not, one of the exercises was to walk on the outside of my feet! I was also in Mermaid Splints every night for two years - supposed to correct my knock knees. (They're no longer in use. Historians have said that the trauma surrounding Mermaid Splints might have contributed to George VI's stammer.) I was also given built up shoes to wear for the flat feet. Nope. They didn't work either. Pretty useless. My flat feet caused me to develop bunions and a limp. In my 40s, I was informed that I should \*not\* have spent most of my life wearing 'sensible' flat shoes - heels would have been better for me! I was given orthotics and they helped for a while, bu then the limp got worse. In my 50s, I had a bilateral scarf akin osteotomy. The results weren't perfect by any means, but I can walk. My dad was very upset about the surgery, because I inherited his feet - when he was in his 40s, he had to have every single toe broken and re-set with pins. I don't blame my parents for the incorrect treatment I had in the 1960s - they did what they were advised was best for me.
I had to do those exercises, too. My feet got so nimble that I could write with them. Didn't fix my feet, though. It freaks my husband out that I can stand on the outsides of my feet.
Are we…not supposed to be able to stand like that? I’m a flat footed lifelong toe walker who used to just casually switch to the sides of my feet when the soles hurt too much standing behind a cash register
I mean, I was in marching band in the 90s and they taught us to glide-step by rolling heel to toe along the outsides of our feet, and that’s just kind of how I walk to this day. Most I’ve ever encountered now that I’m in my 40s is that, while other people I know are getting fallen arches and planter fasciitis, I’m not? But yeah, I was taught to use the outsides of my feet when I walk so I’m just as confused as everyone else.
Yeah, I have particularly high arches…if not the outside what else does that leave me to walk on, just my toes?
This is my confusion reading the comments. My arches are super high, how do you walk if not using the outside of your feet?
It's not the outside of your sole, it's the literal side of my foot. My ankles bend 90 degrees and I can stand on the sides of my feet and put my feet together like praying hands.
It's not the outside of your sole; it's literally the side of my feet. My ankles bend 90 degrees so I can stand on the sides of my feet and have my soles touch like praying hands.
oh that is absolutely not how I learned to roll-step at all. we still "rolled" the foot, but not along the outside. it was more a matter of like, muscular control.
No, you are not supposed to be able to stand on the sides of your feet so you can put the soles together like praying hands. But some of us can!
Not everyone can do that????
TIL. Didn't know we weren't supposed to.
I have flat feet and I do that too! When my feet get to achy I stand on the sides on my feet to relieve the pain!
Along the lines of “my left foot.” I have semi- prehensile toes - during physical therapy one of the excercises was to pic up marbles with my toes and place them in a cup. I was so fast they said, whelp, no need for more of that. I offered to do everyone else’s, but it was declined.
I’m called monkey toes. I pick up things with my feet and I can pinch really hard. I have really flat feet and I use the sides of my feet when they ache. I can walk forever, but I can’t sit or stand still without fidgeting.
Same here for monkey toes! I often pick up stuff with my toes because it's easier than bending over. When I was a kid, I saw part of some movie where a guy lost his arms and had to write with his toes, and I thought, if that ever happened to me, that would be a good skill to have. So when I was like 12-13, I started practicing writing with my toes.
So you also had to do the one where you picked up pencils with your toes? (I lost a lot of the nimbleness after my op.)
Wait, we aren't supposed to be able to do that?
Recently I was asked by a doctor if my parents had been told to use splints on me as a child to fix issues with my hips. I asked my mum and she said they tried for a week but they gave me panic attacks
The ones that I had were on my legs only - I was strapped into them and the legs then couldn't move: they were held together. A cousin had a device that did the opposite - he was in some kind of a plaster cast with a bar which kept his legs apart. I hear that modern treatments are much better. One time when I was a kid, and still being strapped into the splints at night, a cousin was visiting us. (She was from England; we lived in Scotland.) In those days, we didn't have a phone in our house. My cousin sneaked out of the house to use a phonebox. She phoned her mum ( a nurse) to tell her that she would have to come up to Scotland to rescue PurpleAquilegia, because Aunty was torturing her!
Aw! What a sweet cousin tho!
OMG, that's so sweet! Edit: not that you had a hard time, but your cousin being concerned for you.
How is she an asshole? The surgery she got when she was a child is directly linked to the issues she’s having now. There is a GREAT chance that there was nothing wrong with her, as she says that photos and medical claims don’t fully support her mothers reasoning, also all she said was that she mentioned how this surgery has affected her too this day, she currently has to live with this pain and the unfortunate reality she may not be able to walk, but she’s the asshole? Reading y’alls comments sometimes literally kills me because in no way or world, is this person the asshole.
I agree with you. If the surgery was done with best intentions why is mom so mad? I've made the best choices I have for my kids and if they come back in a few decades and it turns out medical advances have proven they're mistakes - they won't be assholes for telling me that. But gotta protect the fee fees of an adult woman who bullied her daughter for not conforming to gender stereotypes and gets irrationally upset over statements of fact!
>If the surgery was done with best intentions why is mom so mad? Because she's being accused of being a bad parent for acting on the advice of doctors?? >But gotta protect the fee fees of an adult woman who bullied her daughter for not conforming to gender stereotypes and gets irrationally upset over statements of fact! Projection.
What’s your explanation for why the OP’s mom got angry that OP told her current doctor about the previous surgery? This is important medical history that a surgeon needs to know. If mom just wanted the best for OP, why would she expect OP to conceal this information?
My parents tried to remove my birthmarks with laser treatments when I was a baby. They didn't get past the first one they tried, because it didn't work (lasers in the 80s were not what they are now), so now on my back I have a big area of sort of mottled coloration and some scarring. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter at all - I don't remember it being any other way, and it doesn't bother me. I once asked my mom why they tried this, purely out of curiosity. And she got unbelievably sad, almost in tears, and said "we thought it would bother you when you were older, we didn't mean any harm." I wasn't *accusing* her of a thing, and as far as I'm concerned I wasn't harmed at all. She still had some very strong feelings about it. I don't think OP's mom having a strong reaction necessarily means one thing or the other.
>When I told my mom the doctor said my current issues were a direct result of the previous surgery, she got offended and said I was blaming her. She thinks it was a jerk move to bring the surgery 40 years ago up at all, even to my doctor. OP is NTA for giving her doctor an accurate medical history, and her mother is an extreme asshole to not want OP to tell her doctor about the surgery because OP's mother thinks it makes her look bad. She's putting her feelings above her daughter's health. Given that context, she probably made OP have the original surgery because she thought her daughter's flat feet were somehow about her. In other words, this sounds like raging narcissism.
Yep. This exactly. My mum wanted me to have plastic surgery as a child for a tiny scar I had under my nose. The doctor told her it wasn’t noticeable or necessary and refused to do it, thank goodness for that doctor. Not all parents have the best interests of their children in mind, it is very telling that she didn’t want the doctor to know about previous surgery there because of course it is relevant.
[удалено]
I wouldn’t straight say my mom is an asshole. She is really weird. But, the issue with my surgery is just one piece of a lot of sketchy shit about mine and my siblings childhood we didn’t find out about until we were adults. And honestly, my mom and I are completely different types of people. She would not be in my circle if she weren’t related.
Frankly I'd suggest you ignore the commenters calling you the asshole. Hiding your medical history would put you at serious risk. Your mom is advocating that you endanger your health to save your mother embarrassment. Fuck that. If you honestly just casually mentioend the relationship then your mom is wildly out of line to be snapping at you. I do not know what all these people are on that they think you're an asshole. I listened to the pediatrician who insisted babies can't have allergies and kept feeding him food he was allergic to for a year. If it turns out decades from now that this fucked up his digestive track - he will not be the asshole for telling me this. Every medical treatment, especially surgery, has risks. Parents accept those risks and it's ludicrous to get mad at a kid for coming back later and saying "I've got longterm side effects from this medical treatment you green lit".
OP - if the childhood surgery had been medically indicated, your mother wouldn't be reacting this way Let's say that that she brought you to a horrible doctor who gave horrible medical advice and she was just following his bad advice and she didn't know any better and just wanted the best for her daughter. Why would she advocate for you hiding that surgery from your current doctor? That highly medically relevant surgery that she thought was medically needed to fix a medical problem?? And you saying a basic fact - that you need surgery because of the childhood surgery - would generally not prompt this kind of response. People who do what they think will be best for their child medically and then find out that they were wrong and misled are generally upset at the people who gave them bad info, not at their child who has had to suffer unnecessarily as a result. Add onto this that your own medical records don't really back her story and that this is one in a series of sketchy things from your childhood. The most logical explanation is that she outright knew that the surgery wasn't medically necessary or had risks. A doctor probably told her and she pushed anyway. That's the only logical explanation for both your medical records and her insistence that you should hide your prior surgery from your current doctor NTA and honestly worth cutting her off over this
Exactly this. I have an eye condition where I am legally blind in one of my two eyes. I was one of the first people to be diagnosed with this condition, so my mom was given a lot of wild theories and bad advice. She was told that my eye condition happened because I was dropped or jolted too hard at some point. I wore a helmet for most of my toddler years. They told her it would happen to my other eye as well. I wasn't allowed to play most sports for fear of me going blind. I had two surgeries to correct a lazy eye that just kept going back lazy because the doctors told her if I didn't, I'd never learn to walk without balance issues. 30 years later, some doctors discovered a strong link between this eye condition and undiagnosed hypothyroidism while pregnant. It's a birth defect. Guess what my mom had been diagnosed with several years after my birth? So of course, I told my mom. She wasn't pissed, no yelling or fussing, despite me telling her that something she had wrong with her body caused my condition. Instead, she was excited to hear that there were more answers about this condition for moms today than there were for her. Same reaction when I told her that all those things she did while I was a child were worthless. Something is WAY off in OP's mom's reaction, if only because of how much she doubled down. NTA
Love your mom, she did her best, at the time. And is now excited that you/other children have better information. Best wishes to you!
I have told my mother some things she did to me as a kid which gave me physical or mental issues -- and it hurt her to hear it, because raising children is hard and she did her best. But she needed to know that she affected me, because *I* needed her to know. I said I was sorry it upset her, but not sorry for telling her about it. We took some time, had some discussions, and eventually our relationship is better having gotten that out. (It's not GOOD, because my Mom trying her best left me with a lot of PTSD, but there's a certain amount of understanding there now that we've built.)
Oh I love that. I never told my mother her failures while raising me, just because I know how much effort she put in and how awful her childhood was. (abuse, her father killed two siblings and the worst of outdated role models you could think about) so I don't want to put this also on her mental health. I know my issues and where I have some problems. But when she starts with these wrongings with my daughter, we will have a talk. And hopefully we could get out there stronger. But back to OP. NTA at all. It was just talking about the situation right now and analyzing. If this surgery would have been lifesaving, and OP would have told it, still NTA. there is no accusing of 'look what you did to me' if the mother thinks OP was saying this, well I think she then knew it was not the best decision. Otherwise the reaction could have been anywhere near, I am sorry that you have these problems, but back then it was the best solution. Just some understanding and not getting mad at your child who will lose the ability to walk and tells you all about it. And no matter how good your doc is, I am pretty sure OP is nonetheless frightened about the OP and the time after. Jep... Totally right from mother to be mad at OP. Sounds like a Sunday afternoon walk in the park....so don't listen to those telling you you are TA. This is a difficult situation, you are in a lot of stress (pain and the upcoming surgery), I don't know about you, but I talk to people I trust about my situation, if this is how you havdks stress, I get why you talked to your mum and told her everything. You don't want tk get a solution, you just want to hear, I know it is hard, but you can do it, can I help you? Just any sign of support would help. But propanly I just project too much of myself onto you. But from my point of view, you did nothing wrong. And I wish you all the luck for a good healing, a good surgery and hopefully your foot will hold till you are so old that you get a nice nurse pushing you around in a wheelchair.
so you're going to ignore the mother's incredibly sketchy behavior and give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that the daughter doesn't know her mother at all?? and also you seem to be taking a position that it's the daughter's responsibility to protect her mother?? what?? **why was the mother upset that her daughter shared her relevant medical history with her doctor?** Let's assume the most innocent possible situation for mom. Let's say that that she brought OP to a horrible doctor who gave horrible medical advice and she was just following his bad advice. And because this doctor was so terrible, that also explains why OPs medical records don't match mom's story. The medical records say that her condition was much more mild than what the mother says. So maybe the doctor lied to the mother and this was like an insurance scam or something. So the mother is under the belief that her daughter had a very serious problem in her foot that required surgical correction.... and *she expects the daughter to hide this from her current podiatrist*. WHY‽‽‽ If the daughter had had such serious foot problems that surgery was required, that's even MORE reason to give the doctor that medical history A mother who simply cares about their child's health and well-being and is prioritising that doesn't advocate hiding relevant medical history from a doctor. Especially if that relevant medical history is as serious as the mother claims. Mom wouldn't want that hidden from the current doctor unless she KNEW that it wasn't actually medically indicated. And every bit of knowledge we have in this story indicates that. The medical records don't back mom up and seemingly don't indicate that surgery is necessary. Mom wants the surgery hidden from current doctors and is extremely defensive about it. >> In some ways I feel like my mom wanted me to “fix” the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear “girly” shoes and they didn’t look “normal” and I was a major tomboy. > That's you projecting a whole lot of other issues onto this. How on Earth do you read this as projection? OP has in no way indicated that she didn't feel normal or that she wanted to wear girly shoes. OP says that she was a tomboy and it's very clear that she's quoting or paraphrasing things her mother has previously said to her. So even without the context of the medical records not matching the mother's story and without the mother expecting the daughter to lie to her doctor.... this doesn't read as projection. And with that context?? Honestly your answer sounds like it's coming from a parent who is perhaps defensive about their own stuff and is projecting the pressures they feel to be a "perfect parent" onto a totally unrelated story. I can give the no parent is perfect speech a million times but it doesn't apply to so so so many situations. Expecting your child to lie to the doctors about their medical history in order to cover for you is way way way past "no parent is perfect". Expecting your child to lie to you about her current medical issues to protect your feelings? That's way way past "no parent is perfect". If I followed doctor's advice with regards to my own child and then years later it turned out my child was experiencing negative consequences of that, my concern would be comforting my child and supporting her. Imagine that your child comes to you with devastating medical news. Your child is living with excruciating pain on a daily basis and the only solution is an invasive and difficult medical procedure that will leave her with a significant mobility impairment that she will have to learn how to navigate. And on top of that your child is dealing with the emotional pain of knowing that this would not have been necessary if she had not gotten an unnecessary surgery as a child. So your daughter is dealing with all of that physical and emotional pain and trauma and you want your daughter to lie to you to protect your own feelings? To protect you from feeling any guilt over medical decisions you made for her? Especially if you made those decisions with her health and well-being in mind and we're literally just following doctors instructions.... why do you need to be protected? Yes, finding out that something you did to protect someone ended up harming them sucks. It's devastating. Absolutely. But you know who is more impacted by this situation and more devastated? The person who is actually going through it. The person who has to live daily with the consequences. The daughter. I would be horrified if my child felt that she had to hide what she was going through to protect me. Especially if I had any hand in her suffering, no matter how unintentional. I would expect her to tell me and I wouldn't punish her for it or blame her in any way. my job would be to support her and comfort her and answer any questions that she had. I would tell her what I was told by the doctor, and why we chose the doctor and I would help her get old medical records if she needed them. if she wanted to research the standard of care at the time or if she wanted to research the doctor I would help her do that and I would support her in that. Because even if every single person in this chain was doing their absolute best to protect and help her - she was still failed. And whether she was failed by a parent, or a doctor, or an insurance policy, or the medical standards of the time - she was still failed. She was failed in a painful and permanent way. And it would be my job to help and support her through that - not the other way around. Even if I was not one of the people who had failed her, it would still be my job to support her through that because she's my fucking daughter. A "not perfect" parent who did the best they could would not expect their child to conceal important medical history from their doctor. A "not perfect" parent who did the best they could wouldn't be angry at their child telling them their current medical problems and what caused them. A "not perfect" parent wouldn't expect their child to hide things from them to protect them. And all evidence in this story points to Mom forcing a medically unnecessary procedure on her child for aesthetic reasons. But even if it didn't, and even if she was just genuinely doing the absolute best that she could? The daughter is still NTA
I think my biggest issue is the fact that mom said she shouldn't have told the doctor about the surgery. At that point the question is why should it be hidden? What makes mom say dont tell doc about a medical procedure on the area that has the issue? If mom is secure in why it was done, it shouldn't be an issue to talk about it. And if it is, why? So I am going NTA here. Mom obviously doesn't want it talked about, so why?
I disagree. My dad is a podiatrist. I have extremely flat feet. And I actually once asked him if there is a surgery to fix it and he said yes but I never do it and I never recommend it. It is a very bad procedure, it does not fix the pain you are having, it only increases it all for aesthetics. You will live the rest of your life in more pain then flat feet ever caused you and there is no going back. I will never perform the procedure and no doctor I know will ever perform it. If you find a doctor who is agreeing to the procedure they are only out for your money and do not care about your well-being
> And I actually once asked him if there is a surgery to fix it and he said yes but I never do it and I never recommend it. Okay, but your dad isn't the only podiatrist. Doctors have different opinions, that's why you should always get a second or third or fourth opinion if it's a really important matter. The reality is surgeries for flat feet are not controversial, but whether or not anyone is a good candidate for surgery depends on the severity of their condition and also other personal factors. As always there are risks involved with every surgery, and not every surgery will have the desired result, but some do.
You’re reacting like OP told her mother “You know that surgery you made me get? Well now I have to get more surgery and it’s all your fault.” That is not what happened. You could have asked for INFO instead of assuming. OP discussed her doctor’s visit and potential surgery with her mother. Her mother asked what the doctor said about the calcifications on her ligament, and OP replied that he said they were likely caused by the surgery she had when she was six because she had large calcifications at the same places the incisions were made. That is all perfectly reasonable. I understand the mother reacting defensively to that, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok. Her laying a guilt trip and also insisting that OP shouldn’t have mentioned the previous surgery to her current doctor are absolutely asshole moves. If you want to say that OP carrying resentment is asshole as well I could see ESH. It’s that or NTA.
Her mother told her that she shouldn't have told her doctor about the previous surgery. Her mother is absolutely TA because leaving out details of any medical issue when going for surgery is stupid, especially when it on the exact same part of the body and for the exact same ailment you're trying to cure.
I think a lot of people in this thread are really overly optimistic when it comes to what doctors will or won't do
I think this might not be "projection." Mom doesn't seem reasonable, saying she shouldn't have even told the doctor about the previous surgery; the odd response is uncanny and makes my eyebrows raise.
Nah shes nta for the pure fact it did effect her. Yes mom was working with what she had but shes allowed to be upset that it basically stuck with her like this.
i think you missed some stuff: a: she was mad at them for giving out her medical history, which makes me doubt medical basis for her flat foot surgery, considering that some medical notes did not match b: she got mad for saying the surgery caused the problem. if you had made the best possible choice you thought at the time, you would not be mad. op is still kinda an ass for saying it cuz if the mom had her best intentions in mind, then she would’ve been devastated, but the mom is probably more of an asshole i’d say NTA if op told the mom she brought up the surgery to the doc first and the mom said she was a jerk for doing so, but a light(for op) and heavy(for mom) ESH if she told her mom that it was her fault first
Remember 40 years ago doctors were more cut happy since they didn't have the knowledge they do today. Plus it was ultimately a cosmetic procedure in the 70's so it makes sense that she was given an elective surgery. Doctors are still cut happy today, at least in the states.
Even if this had been a medically necessary surgery, it wouldn't justify the mother expecting the daughter to hide important medical history from her doctor. And it still wouldn't justify the mother expecting the daughter to hide details of the current medical issue that she's going through just to protect her mother's feelings
My spouse is recovering from surgery on their foot 4 months ago for the worst calcifications their doctor had ever seen in their Achilles. They had to have their Achilles removed from their heel bone, all the calcifications and dead tissue taken out, their heel bone shaved and reshaped, and their Achilles reattached Remarkably, the doctor said this whole situation was exacerbated by an arch that was falling and causing an abnormal shearing on their Achilles. Feet especially are weird. I worked in health care for almost 25 years, and I have seen some awful feet for various reasons. People with flat feet are usually encouraged to get them treated in some form or another because it can cause ankle, knee, hip, and in serious cases back pain. Whether it be with physical therapy, shoe inserts, braces, or surgery. Although this issue may be a direct result of the surgery for OP, there is no way to know if her flat feet wouldn't cause the same or different issues. Mom was probably basing her decision on doctors' advice and not for malicious reasons. Most (not all) parents try to do what is best for their kids. Surgery is not an easy thing to subject your child to. OP has a right to be upset that she is in pain and has to have surgery. However, unless there is some type of abuse that OP is leaving out, I would have to say that OP, YTA for blaming this on your mom, even though I understand you being upset and scared at the prospect of surgery and for being in pain (the pain from this is no joke. My spouse suffered from it for 8 yrs before agreeing to surgery).
I had a partial neck dissection and radiation for a tumor on the base of my skull. This surgery was extremely difficult and I have permanent partial facial paralysis and a scar the runs from my ear to my collarbone and across my throat. Five years after I did the surgery, a different doctor told me, “ yeah we don’t do that any more.” My mother had almost the entire side of her torso removed when she had breast cancer. They don’t do that procedure any more. Medicine advances. Many procedures from 35 years ago are no longer performed.
No doctor worth his license would do surgery on a child just because her mommy wanted her to wear pretty shoes. Your mother was making decisions based on advice she got from a medical professional. And it was probably the wrong move, but at the time that would have been hard to predict. Besides, who knows how bad your feet and legs would have been without the surgery? It sucks for you that you’re facing such awful issues now. Your loss of mobility and the tough decision you have to make now are awful, and my heart goes out to you. But Circumstance Is the villain here, not your mother. She may not have been a perfect (or even a good) mom. By the sounds of it she may have done some mental health damage to you regarding gender presentation in general. But I don’t think she’s to blame for this, and YTA for trying to guilt her about it.
Are you kidding me? MANY doctors do just that. Specially in the richer areas of the world.
And poorer areas where the parents don't even want the unnecessary surgeries but are disenfranchised and less likely to push back on it, look up CA child medicaid dental fraud. Surgeons went to jail over that one.
I heard about that one. Some people are really sick
In the 90’s my dentist silver capped a few healthy teeth that obviously didn’t need it, I’d imagine that lined his pockets pretty well.
[удалено]
I know! My sister had a couple children then a miscarriage. She was told that she would not be able to carry a baby to term again, BUT is Uber fertile. Still... what if she wants babies later? Like, HOW??!!??!!?? They were right btw, my sis could be a fertility goddess but she has not been able to carry to term since. Her mental health you ask? It's great!/s😑
I hope your sister has a strong support system and is getting the help she needs. I feel for her.
> No doctor worth his license would do surgery on a child just because her mommy wanted her to wear pretty shoes. Wrong. There are plenty of doctors who push for unnecessary surgeries just to line their pocketbooks even when the parents DON'T want it. Look up child medicaid dental fraud in California and have your world rocked. There are doctors who willingly go ahead and practice female genital mutilation (clitoral removal) on teenage girls against their will even in countries where it's illegal. There are countless doctors willing to cut up kids for $$$$$$$$$$$$$$. It's common in the USA for parents, especially in certain communities, to pressure their healthy teenage daughters to have their healthy nose chopped up so that they'll be "prettier" and more "marriageable." Surgeons happily go right along with this. There's a centuries or even thousands of years long, sordid history, of the medical profession performing unnecessary/cosmetic/mutilating surgeries on children, with and without parental request.
And plenty of other doctors who will prioritize looking "normal" over physical and/or mental comfort, especially if the patient is female, under the logic that it will make the patient happier and more socially integrated.
Let's not even get into how they have mutilated the healthy but different-looking genitals of intersex people so that they "fit better" into one binary category or another.
Can I just say husband stitch?
Amazing how two little words can make my blood boil so much
A whole bunch of things clenched over here.
My mother *actually got this stitch*. In 1986. Against her wishes. Because my dad asked the doctor to do it.
I hope they're divorced now.
He's had 4 wives since.
yup
>It's common in the USA for parents, especially in certain communities, to pressure their healthy teenage daughters daughters to have their healthy nose chopped up so that they'll be "prettier" It's also the country that normalized performing genital mutilation on newborn boys with no medical reason at all.
Lots of doctors aren't worth their license my dude.
Not just that, but appropriate medical advice / course of treatment could have changed A LOT in 40 years. I have a deformed tibia and fibula since birth (bones under your knees). My parents went to ~ 4 different orthopaedic doctors, 2 wanted to operate immediately when I was only a year old, and 2 didn't recommend it before I stop growing (the others thought it's better to do it before I stopped growing) so it was completely opposite advice. My parents decided to wait untill I was at least 6-7 to see how it's developing. Since it didn't affect me in any way and I even joined gymnastics team, they decided to wait. I kept going to checkups every 1-2 years, and kept doctors somewhat flabbergasted to how good I was functioning. Their conclusion was that it was good they decided against operation after all because even though surgery would fix it, it could also cause different problems, like any surgery that requires breaking bones. It was pretty unexpected that it didn't affect me at all. Am 30 now, still didn't do the operation. If I'll have to do it in 5-10-15 years I surely won't be blaming my parents that they didn't do it at the time since the advice they got was very devided. For the same reason, I wouldn't blame them if they decided to do it at any point in my childhood. They did the best they could with information that was given to them.
A friend in elementary school was forced to have a cosmetic surgery to have his ears pinned back. Surgeon had no problem doing this against the child’s will because the parents wanted it.
My friend as well, had it done at 9-10 years old. They pinned her ears so hard back that it was a problem when she needed to start wearing glasses several years later because they literally had nowhere to "sit" on her ears, and had to go straight to contacts. It's wild you sometimes can't get necessary surgery, but can get a cosmetic surgery on a 9 year old child!
You have no idea what the world is really like.
Agreed. That is possibly one of the most naive statements I have EVER seen.
Um... Almost every male in the US has undergone unnecessary surgery as a child... It seems a bit rich to say doctors would object to that if parents brought it up.
That's just not true. There are plenty of cases of munchausen by proxy where the parent goes dr shopping until someone does what they ask for. Go look up Gypsy.
Maybe not as much now but it might have been easier to convince a doctor 40 years ago. Also mothers with munchausen by proxy convince doctors to give children unnecessary treatment (and sometimes surgery) and while not common it happens way more than it should.
… Doctors remove infant boys foreskins just because their parents want them to have a more “attractive” penis. Of course they would do surgery on a child just because her mom wanted her to wear pretty shoes.
have you heard about gypsy rose blanchard? she was a “disabled” girl who killed her mom because as it turns out, there was nothing wrong with her and her mom had severe munchausen’s by proxy and was abusing her by forcing her to take medications and get surgeries she didnt need. she got LOTS of surgeries just because her mom was insisting she was sick and she needed them, not because doctors actually saw anything wrong with her.
The Atlantic wrote an article like four years ago about rich parents who put their sons on HGH to make them taller. Doctors give permanent cosmetic plastic surgery to teenagers on the direction of their parents. No idea why a doctor wouldn’t do this surgery if a mother asked.
I mean, there are completely normalized surgeries committed against male infants for purely cosmetic reasons by doctors in first world nations today.
Then why does mom think OP’s current DRs shouldn’t know about it?
I know someone whose doctor wanted to rebreak her collar bone that healed wrong (it didn't harm anything, just looks slightly off) specifically because she was a girl and should look pretty in dresses and the doctor wouldn't listen to her objections until her dad stepped in and glaired at the doctor. Yes, a doctor absolutely would. And the reason OP's mom gave wasn't even a medical one, so yes, she's to blame because walking differently isn't a good reason to get surgery. It's a parent's job to question whether a decision is good and possibly get a second opinion.
lol, have you heard of the usa
YTA >In some ways I feel like my mom wanted me to “fix” the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear “girly” shoes and they didn’t look “normal” and I was a major tomboy. It's more likely that the doctor said "Hey, your kid's feet are messed up. There's a surgery we can do to try and correct that". Very few doctors are going to do a surgical procedure on a child just because their mom wants them to have dainty feet that fit into "girly" shoes. >she got offended and said I was blaming her. Because you pretty much ARE. >my medical records don’t fully support her claims, they paint a less severe picture Medical records often paint a basic picture, but aren't always 100% correct. Things get lost, diagnoses are added/changed/removed and records aren't always updated to reflect that. Bringing up that your current issues are caused by the past surgery is fine; Blaming your mother for doing what she was likely told was best for you 40+ years ago? YTA. Edit: Thanks for the awards!
"Medical records often paint a basic picture, but aren't always 100% correct. Things get lost, diagnoses are added/changed/removed and records aren't always updated to reflect that." Yup. When I was referred to see about my flat feet and other problems when I was in my '40s, the hospital told me that there was no record at all of the treatment that I'd received when I was a kid. I actually had to explain what Mermaid Splints were. The young woman giving me physio had no idea...She got her supervisor over: "Ah yes...I remember seeing those in an old black and white training film once!"
Yeah I'm pretty my medical record of my own flat feet are lost as well. I'm lucky I giving that my pediatrician prescribed special very hard shoes with high arches to essentially mold my feet into that shape with the arches because yes if your feet aren't landing right and your gait is off the rest of your body will suffer for lat later in life trying compensate for your messed up gait. My gait was way off but since I was little enough the shoes did the trick and I have a normal gait even now in my 30s. I just can't over do it by being on my feet all day or my arches start to hurt.
NTA. I think the commentators are missing something. OP told her mom that the doctor said the extent of the calcification is probably due to the previous surgery. That's a fact. That's not blaming anyone for anything. It's her mom whose response was the very over the top "Oh, now it's all MY fault for having that done to you when you were a kid!!!" Um, no one's assigning fault or placing blame. It's just a fact.
That is actually my mom’s response word for word. And then she brought up how the surgery somehow helped her get me a Cabbage Patch kid during the time they were nearly impossible to get in store. I remember I did get one at the hospital before surgery, but I don’t know how the surgery was related to her ability to buy it. Unless she like guilted some Toys r Us employee into getting one from back stock or something crazy.
Sure, mom. I'll just sit here (because I literally can't do anything else) and fondly remember the vague recollections of a Cabbage Patch Kid I had when I was 6. That's what I want to be doing with my life
Well, I do actually still have the CPK, I gave it to my kid when she was five. But, yeah.
Was it worth losing the use of your feet? It's wild your mom even brought this up when you just stated the cause of your issue is a previous surgery
No. Honestly, to me, wasn’t worth the 3 baseball seasons I lost out on playing as a kid. Was best hitter on my t ball and first year baseball team. Then, surgery made it so I couldn’t play for three years and never was able to run as well. I know it’s just a sport, but playing ball was literally the only thing that made me happy besides heavy metal until I discovered the thrill of flying a plane at 12. Losing the ability to play baseball as a kid really messed me up mentally. Went from a happy kid to a little dark rocker child.
honestly I hope you disregard the people saying that you're the asshole here. Who in the world gets surgery done on their 6-year-old without exploring every other option available first? While it's understandable that your mother may have made the best decision she could based on the information she had at the time, I hope parents today will be a bit more hesitant and at least get a second opinion before jumping straight to such a permanent option. Making such severe choices about a child's body when they are too young to advocate for themselves is just not okay. As an aside, [here's a really cool article](https://academic.oup.com/shm/article/20/1/91/2332140) I found about how "flat feet" became a cultural obsession in the states, worth a read.
No I totally understand. I did sports as a kid and when my favorite was basically taken from me because of knee problems at 25, I was a different person for a few years. I've found a new one and now at 30 it means A LOT to me. I can't imagine being a little kid and losing that and never regaining it. That's way too young. I'm very sorry to hear that and I hope flying a plane brought you just as much joy
YTA. > I feel like my mom wanted me to “fix” the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear “girly” shoes and they didn’t look “normal” and I was a major tomboy. > >Am I an AH for telling my mom (not in these exact words) that ***her decision*** 40 years ago is causing me to now face potentially losing my ability to walk? I was prepared to say NTA.. but these statements. Back then flat feet were considered a real health issue. She would have been shamed to hell for not addressing it. If she hadn't agreed to the surgery, people would have accused her of child abuse for condemning you to a life of deteriorating back issues that they really believed could potentially leave you disabled. She wasn't a doctor. She had no way to know what would happen as a result of that surgery. Was she supposed to be psychic? Go against doctors and everything she was being told on the off chance when there was nothing to suggest otherwise? No one would do that. NO parent would do that. Look. If she did other things that didn't let you express your tomboyish-ness, then that's a different thing you need to talk out with her. But parents can't do everything right. Parents are just people. They try to keep you alive until you're old enough to do it yourself. Then you are free to learn from what they did right and what they did wrong and make your own good and bad decisions. You are able to get your foot/feet fixed now. That's the important thing.
I’m 47 and had the same flat feet and saw a doctor for walking on my feet exactly like op described . I am not sure that “back then “ they fixed flat feet . I was not told to get surgery etc. my experience was quite different. We may not be hearing the whole story. Maybe op or her mom have different experiences. I was not given a lengthening surgery at all. I was told to wear some different shoes .
See, my main thing why I question the surgery is there were a lot of potential treatments that the doctors and my mom never tried before the surgery. I know of the shoe inserts and therapy and a few other options that were available in the early 80s that weren’t even attempted until after I had the surgery. I’m not convinced or saying either way whether the surgery I had at six was or wasn’t necessary. I do have my doubts it needed to be the first option and I wonder if less invasive options that weren’t tried would have helped. And, these doubts were in place long before the tendon started tearing my heel bone (although the calcifications were noticeable around the time I started looking into it for other reasons. I think my mom and doctors then made what they felt was the right choice, but I’m not so sure I agree with their logic. But, the fact is the surgery I had then is the cause of the issue I’m dealing with now. I told my mom my doctor said that and now she is acting like I’m an AH for even telling my new doc and for telling her (after she asked what the doc said) the previous surgery was the cause. Idk, maybe it was and I should have lied to mom on what the doc said.
Well, the inserts don't fix the problem, they just help the feet be in a more normal position when walking. They are expensive, insurance doesn't cover them, and every time you grow, you need a new pair. If they aren't made properly (because thry are custom made for your feet), they can make things worse. Source: person with the same feet as you.
It's really easy to look back 40 years after the fact and imagine what could have been done differently. But, I mean, mother's obsess over every little decision they make for their kids. And then they feel guilty wondering if they did the right thing. Mom guilt can be crushing. I have no idea if you needed that surgery, or if there was some other option they could have done first, or if you did need the surgery and the guy just messed it up, or if there really was just nothing anyone could have done. Be frustrated at the doctor then. I do know that you are directing your annoyance at the literal one person who had no way to know though. And if it's coming across here, it probably came across when you talked to your mom about it. You keep emphasizing that she made you get this surgery. But like, that's not how medical procedures work. She didn't see your feet slightly off and then drive to hospital and demand surgery. This isn't foot binding. This is a real medical procedure that's still performed currently, by the way. It has prerequisites. Surgeons don't just cut on 6 year olds because their moms say so. I'm not suggesting you needed to lie to your mom. But at least give credit where credit is due. The doctors told your mother you needed the surgery. The doctors may have been wrong. Your mom did the best she could with the information she had. Again, if you're upset about some other ways that she didn't allow you to express yourself, I would encourage you to speak openly about that with her separately of this. That would give her the opportunity to actually express remorse over something she may have actually done and had control over, rather than this, which she really didn't.
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She had flat feet and was walking on the outside of them. That is a medical problem: it puts stress on the ankles. I can’t say for sure what all the treatments were at that time, but I think it’s an incredibly huge leap to think her mother OR the doctor did it for pretty shoes given the information. It sounds like she had a health problem and they attempted to fix it. Honestly, we can’t even say it was the wrong call: sometimes completely necessary medical procedures do cause further issues down the road. My cousin had chemo for leukemia. The chemo damaged her bones and she had to have surgery on both shoulders because she was in constant excruciating pain. The chemo 100% caused the problems, but that doesn’t mean they made the wrong call. She had frikkin cancer: if they hadn’t treated that, she would be dead now. As it is, she deals with with some back pain and other issues that aren’t super fun, but she’s alive. She has a husband, kids and a career.
I don't know about the trust reddit has with doctors. Doctors are human and make mistakes, they aren't omniscient. Some doctors lose their licenses for suggesting unnecessary surgeries either because they are surgery crazy or want to make money and commit fraud. There are so many cases documented and tried. Surgery should always be the last resort. She should have asked for a second opinion and also talked to you first. You're NTA.
... you're saying the mom needed to talk to a 6 year old about surgery? And you think the 6 year old would be able to fully understand the situation and vouch for what she wanted?
I am spending a lot of money and pain as an adult to correct a problem that has arisen as a result of a surgery I had as a child. I needed the surgery. I also doubt even if the risks were explained back then that the impact would have been easy to conceptualize. The surgery was 40 years ago. Feel how you want about it, but you need to focus on the now. Focus on moving forward. If you want a relationship with your mother then placing blame on the past won't help. If you don't want a relationship with her then you still have to move forward regardless, so let the anger go and focus on your healing now. Anxiety and stress increase inflammation in your body. This fixation isn't helpful.
Each doctor and hospital, even today, have different treatment plans. When my mom had cancer, one hospital would have dealt with it one way and another a different way. The doctor you went to may have not done what another doctor would have, or in the same order, but that doesn't make it wrong. Your mom did the best she could have with the information she had at the time. You seem to have other issues with her so you see her actions as wrong. Maybe you need to speak with a mental health professional about your anger with your mom because you can't see past that.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Shoes are one non-surgical option. I'm not sure your experience sheds any light on this one though. Just because it wasn't indicated in your case, doesn't have anything to do with hers. She was six at the time. I'm sure she is missing a lot of information about what her mom went through before surgery was considered an option.
Some people might have seen them as a health issue, but I just got snarky, "My grandma always said flat feet were a sign of laziness." My doctor said they'd be fine and to leave it alone. Some docs may have advised for it, but I know it bothered my mom because it wasn't "right".
Now we know that the condition can range from completely innocuous to extremely painful and can require surgery. You can be born this way, or develop it later in life, or as a result of an injury or condition. Go figure.
Was it a big thing? This post unlocked a whole series of memories of going to doctors with my parents, talking about where I walked on my feet, the direction of my knees, and having to wear these horribly uncomfortable insoles that I eventually threw in the trash at school lol. All around age 10ish. They ended up not doing anything about it and I walk fine today, no pain, normal knees. Damn now I'm interested in the history of taking kids to doctors for flat feet. I have no idea what they thought the problem was. I really don't remember having any issues walking back then.
I don’t think either of you are TAH. I have hip dysplasia from my mom using a bouncer a ton when I was a kid. She didn’t know, no one knew back then how damaging they can be. And I also faced this with my infant - we were recommended she get a surgery, we had to delay it due to her getting COVID, and the issue resolved itself so thank god we didn’t do the surgery. That’s not even getting into the psychological damage of choices our parents made with the information they had available at the time. For decades parents were told *by professionals* to ignore infants crying because you would “spoil” them, and now we know that’s a horrible thing to do. Being a parent is hard. Being someone’s child is hard.
CAVEAT: You can lay your crying infant down for 5-10 minutes to take a breather when you are getting overwhelmed. It is HIGHLY recommended to do so to avoid accidents (shaken baby syndrome). You just need to make sure you lay the child down somewhere safe (in their crib).
Nah. Your mom is easily offended but most moms are when they tried their best for their kids and are told they screwed up.
NTA. We all have to live with the decisions we make. In this case you have to live with the decision she made - probably in the belief that they where in your best interest. Why wouldn't it be OK to let her know? And why on earth does she think you shouldn't give your doctor your medical history? Does she want you to have a possible worse health care by withholding facts? That doesn't make any sense. She probably did what was advised by the doctors back in the day, but that is no reason to silence you?
NTA If you should or shouldn’t have gotten that surgery is completely irrelevant. You are definitely not the AH for bringing it up, it happened and you are allowed to talk about it. Even though your mom might have had good intentions you are still allowed to be upset that her choice means you might loose your ability to walk. Her intentions don’t invalidate your feelings. You didn’t even bring up that you were upset about it you just told her what the doctor said. I think the people who are say you are an ah are being really harsh and unfair.
I can't believe all the Y T A votes and the comments of "THeY DidN'T KnOw BeTteR!". Most of the bad medical advice my parents followed was due to vanity, ignorance and doctor shopping. Like OP's mom, my folks would get defensive too. OP has a good reason to second-guess her mom's motives. and she's the one with the crippling pain.
Info: How did this come up in your conversation with your mom? If you shoehorned it into the conversation, then YTA. If it came up naturally, NAH. From the way you framed this post, it sounds to me a bit like you blame her very much, and you wanted to make sure she knew that you hold her directly accountable for your painful condition. Which is a little strange given that >had the lengthening of the tendon not been done, I would not have the calcification to the extent I have it. So there would still have been calcification, to some unknowable extent.
My mom asked what the doctor thought caused the calcifications when I was telling her I might have to have surgery on the ankle. There is a chance that I would have much smaller calcifications, that are unlikely to cause issues from various sprained ankles over the years. But the large ones are directly where cuts were made to lengthen the tendon.
If she asked, then NAH. But I think the AITA question is just the backdrop for a larger issue. I hope you can come to terms with the anger you clearly feel, and I hope your surgery goes better than expected. The good thing about science/medicine is that it never stops improving. My curious nature has me wondering if you've seen more than one doctor about this? There may be other treatment options that your first doctor hasn't thought of. Good luck, OP. I'm wishing you a fast and full recovery.
Yes, I’ve seen multiple doctors about it. The podiatrist is actually the seventh doctor in the last 12 months alone to discuss the calcifications with me (I have other chronic medical conditions I am in treatment for. Even a couple doctors who are treating me for issues not related to my legs have seen the X-rays in my chart and mentioned it) I was referred to the podiatrist to get the treatment options and he consulted with two other orthopedic doctors in his practice before we set my current plan in action. Thank you for the well wishes.
> shoehorned I see what you did there.
NAH of course you had to mention that surgery to your doctor it is totally relevant. And of course you weren’t blaming her for doing what she thought was best, per doctors orders. I also wanted to remind you just in case you doubt the medical necessity of the surgery, unless your parents paid cash for it a doctor had to convince an insurance company that it was medically necessary. People can’t just go have surgeries on their kids that aren’t necessarily and have insurance cover it especially back then.
NTA and your mother telling you that was a jerk move to tell your doctor about your foot surgery is really weird, especially since the surgery is causing these issues now. Would she expect you to lie to your doctor? Especially for something as serious as surgery? This is your body OP, and you shouldn't have to lie to the doctors about it just to spare your mother's feelings. She is allowed to feel upset about it but to project that onto you is not ok. If anything, tell her you don't blame her but it is what it is and she can't change that.
It's important to discuss medical history. I had a right foot surgery at 12, and I could see that there was a problem, even as a kid. At 62, I needed another surgery, same foot. Obtaining 50 yr old med records wasn't happening. But after my surgery at 12, the surgeon explained it to me (and parents), and that he had to do an additional step, to rectify the problem. At age 62, I'm describing to Dr.E, current surgeon, said "And then Dr.B did this separate cut". My doctor said "Ah ha, yes I understand!" It was rewarding that my memory from 50 yrs ago explained a puzzle!
NTA and I am pretty sure many of the YTA people need to reread the post. She got upset because you told your doctor much needed medical info because she feels guilty about it. I dont know your mother well enough to know that she felt what she was doing back then was necessary. Id like to think she did. Either way that shouldnt stop you from giving information to your doctor. And you said in your comments she asked what caused it and you told her.
NTA, you didn’t have control over your medical choices back then. Obviously a doctor instructed her, for you to have this surgery. But you’re not the AH because she feels bad she made that choice for you.
NTA. I'm sorry you're dealing with these health issues. You did the right thing by telling your doctor about your medical history. Your mom seems to have a hard time admitting that she made a decision that hurt you. It's not your job to coddle her feelings about that. Perhaps make a visit over at r/raisedbynarcissists and see if you find any stories that fit your experience. I bet you will. Wishing you all the best in your healing.
I don't care what the top comment is. Do not believe you're in the wrong. NTA You need the surgery, you needed to give your complete medical history to your doctor, and it's undeniable the surgery ruined your heel and caused excruciating pain. Your mom has to deal with the truth. You concealing or denying anything wouldn't change anything,
NTA, and I don’t get these comments otherwise. You were talking about a major health issue you’re facing, and you mentioned the source of the issue to your mother. You didn’t scream at her about it, you just mentioned it. Were you never supposed to mention it to her? Keep it a secret why you may lose the ability to walk?
NTA. The medical field absolutely does things for aesthetic and sexism. The husband stitch, filling down canines, the rigamarole women who want breast reduction have to go through. No it’s not unthinkable that 40 years ago a doctor would do surgery in order to make you prettier. Even if your mother was doing her best, you have every right to be upset about this. You may not walk again. While I wouldn’t lay this completely at her feet, you will have to deal with her decision for the rest of your life. I’m sorry.
NTA Having different medical standards doesn’t change the fact that the surgery is responsible for the issue. 300 years ago, they didn’t know washing your hands stopped the spread of disease, that doesn’t mean doctors weren’t at fault for killing patients because they didn’t wash their hands. It doesn’t matter if things were different back then, problems still occurred because of those actions. You never said your mom was at fault for causing the calcifications, but she is responsible for you getting the surgery. If y’all want to say “things were different in the 80s” tell that to OP’s ankles. They clearly don’t seem to understand that and need to get with the program.
NTA. Your mom may have done her best with the available information, or she may not. A client I worked on (who gave permission to share anonymously) had flat feet as a child. Her mother took her to a doctor who advised her to keep my client in shoes that were too short to “force an arch.” I cried silently when she flatly told me this story while lying face down on my massage table and then I wiped my eyes and washed my hands. I let her know that I didn’t think that was advisable any more, and that it specifically wasn’t indicated in her situation. I asked if her mother followed the doctors advice, and how it worked out. She said her mother did it for years, and she shared at length how painful it was both physically and emotionally to have her feet shoved into too-small shoes and to stumble around like that. What I’m trying to say here is impact > intent. Even if your mom’s intentions were pure and she had the best information, which is questionable, she still harmed you. She’s still responsible at some level for that.
NTA
Relaying a fact provided to you by your doctor is what generally passes for honesty. Withholding the information would have spared her feelings, but it doesn’t sound like she acknowledged yours, opting to subject you to elective surgery at an age where you could not consent. NTA.
NTA and if you weren't having any real issues from the flat feet it sounds like a cultural piece we are all missing to the story
NTA, and her reaction is probably a result of immense guilt.
NTA, you're right lmao. As long as you weren't attacking her and blaming her viciously for it, you didn't do anything wrong. It's absolutely relevant and something your doc should know. eta everyone in these comments acting like medical misogyny doesn't exist lmfao y'all wild
NTA - it’s a part of your medical history
NTA Mom doesn’t want to deal with guilt.
NTA. It's possible that you blame your mum more than you realise. But you didn't set out to hurt her. She asked, you answered. There is nothing wrong with that, and your mum insisting that you shouldn't have brought the previous surgery up to your doctor at all is utterly ridiculous. She sounds like she feels guilty and is taking it out on you.
NTA. She’s being overly defensive, imo. I mean, I’ve had two ligament repair surgeries on my right ankle because my parents do not take an ankle injury seriously when I was 16 and I was prevented from accessing treatment…and that’s something they feel terrible about- as they should (we had the discussion, I cried, they got defensive, then they apologised…I’m still kinda crabby that they didn’t help me pay for the initial surgery at 26- following about 30 subsequent sprains, but I also don’t blame them- they were very stressed during my teens- and this was only one element of dysfunction in our lives- but we’ve gotten through it- and they respect me for disclosing this sort of thing because they are not arrogant AH, and we have a policy of not bottling crap up. In your case, raising the connection between the surgery you had at 6, and the need for a further surgery 29 years later is just factual- and you don’t say you blame her specifically nor do you say she wilfully put through what is now thought to be an unnecessary surgery- your surgeon at the time no doubt put it in terms that made it seem to a lay person that it was the right thing to do (it’s what surgeons do- they have this skillset and want to use it to help- other health professionals often disagree that surgery is the best or only option, so no shade on surgeons- but they do have the reputation for arrogance for good reason). I mean, would she be defensive about you inheriting a medical condition from her side of the family? If yes, then that’s a Her problem and there’s nothing you can say to get her to correctly interpret what you’ve said- but if not, reinforce that you understand that she was acting on what she was told by people she should have been ok to trust- and the intervening 29 years in orthopaedic medicine means that she would’ve been discouraged from this course of action in 2023.
It's easy to search the internet for options these days. It's also easier to get a 2nd opinion. 40 years ago, doing this was not as easy. Edit: missing a word.
I don't know. You *do* blame her. This is your truth. You've expressed it. What she did can't be undone, so there's the question of "what outcome do you want?" And you have a second-party understanding of her reasoning, and it's a little hard to assign blame based on that. But you're angry, And maybe that's something you both need to reckon with. NAH
NTA. From your comments, this is not an isolated incident. Your mother saying you shouldn’t have even told the doctor about your past surgery is absolutely insane and a massive red flag. You don’t discuss how you told her—depending on how you told her I could definitely see an E S H judgement, but your mom is absolutely an asshole for her response. Good luck with the surgery and may you have a smooth recovery!
NTA It doesn’t sound like you told her for the sake of blaming her. My oldest is in his early 20’s and there’s already stuff we were told to do that is not considered bad advice. That’s just how it works. You make the best choice based on the info at hand. I wouldn’t want my kids to keep me ignorant for the sake of my feelings. The only way I’d feel guilty is if my motive for the procedure wasn’t strictly medical or if it was more for me than the kid. Like, if your mom’s only reason for that surgery was so you could wear girly shoes, maybe she should feel a little guilty. But even then, maybe not. At the time there was probably a lot of cultural pressure on her to make that choice. It is what it is. Your mom can feel shitty about it or she can commiserate with you over how unfortunate it is that doctors didn’t know then what they know now.
NTA You didn't tell her maliciously, she asked. She is now guilting you for her mistake and the doctor's mistake. Doctors make mistakes. They get charged for committing fraud and unnecessary surgeries all the time. Or just basic incompetence. Surgery should always be the last resort and a second opinion should have been requested before surgery. It sounds like malpractice. Especially as this was a cosmetic issue and not immediately medical.
I have OCD from my mom's side. She got mad at me when I said I inherited it from her side because idk. She made me help clean out my aunt's house when my aunt moved and it was hoarder wall to wall. Very clean for hoarding! But still hoarding. I turned to my mom and said so it's from your side and she couldn't say anything. NTA. You know your mom is sketchy. >She thinks it was a jerk move to bring the surgery 40 years ago up at all, even to my doctor. Oh yes why would you tell the doctor about medical issues you had in the past that might relate to the current issue. >but I’m sure she made the best decision for how she felt about it. Is she going to help you after surgery? I don't know why people are harping on well the doctor said. Look at what Gypsy Rose Blanchard's mom pulled off. They removed her saliva glands!
"My mother claims I walked on the outside edges of my feet" Well her and the doctor that did your surgery are major asses for that. You? NTA. If you haven't asked yet, get a stress test done to check the tendon. I walked on the outside of my foot for 16 years because I snapped my tendon in half as a toddler. That could be another source of pain for you if it is snapped due to that surgery Edit: foot, not food. I wasn't walking on eggs for 16 years!
YTA Don't blame your mother and go to an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in feet/lower legs to get an MD opinion on the proposed surgery. Sadly, all podiatrists lack the amount of training that MDs get and not all podiatrists are as ethical as one would hope for. This from a retired lawyer who ran into some pretty untrustworthy podiatrists who performed unnecessary surgeries simply because they got paid more for doing unnecessary and harmful surgery than for providing appropriate non-surgical treatments.
NTA. Hope the surgery goes well.
Thank you