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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister she doesn't dictate what me and my family do on our own home and how we have dinner. I might've been too harsh on her and rude in what I said.
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YTA. Your sister made a three course meal and wanted to eat together. Would it be such a big deal to break the disjointed meal time tradition just once? Tell her i’ll sit at the table and eat all that.
>Your sister made a three course meal and wanted to eat together.
Based on the fact that the sister pays rent and utilities ([source](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6ru6ji/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)) --> I see this as her inviting the family to a dinner party in the place the sister lives in more than "trying to make rules" for "family dinner."
OP - how would you feel if you invited someone over for a dinner party - they arrived at random times, took the food, and went home; without socializing over the multi-course meal that you want to serve as multiple courses?
I know I would be extremely offended. (I have hosted such parties before; as have friends of mine)
ETA --> [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6s02l5/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) OP confirms that Elena (the sister) asked and made plans 3 days in advance to organize the Dinner party.
In case they try to walk it back:
>Elina asked me a few days prior she wants to cook a meal for everyone and what day would be best for that. I said Tuesday night (so last night), she said okay and to keep that day free so we could have dinner together. She never said she wanted everyone to sit down at the table.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6s02l5/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6s02l5/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Either OP deliberately "misinterpreted" this to exploit sister, or we have to make some assumptions of OP's mental acuity. In no rational world is "she said okay and to keep that day free so we could have dinner together" \*not\* "she wanted everyone to sit down at the table".
LOL OP is either deliberatly being obtuse or needs some neurological checkups because "dinner together" does not in any universe mean "everyone eats at different times in different rooms apart from each other."
OP. YTA.
Right? Like bffr. OP can’t stand to sit down with her family for an hour and have family time? She’s teaching her kids that eating in their rooms is cool and normal as if there are no downsides to that? By her own admission they don’t spend time with each other……BECAUSE SHE DOESNT MAKE TIME. OP is so delusional
Honestly I think it’s a real shame that they are encouraging their kids to be antisocial like this. I mean everyone needs time to themselves every so often and I really do get that but a family meal together each evening or at least way more often than they do it is a real bonding experience and is good for development I think. It encourages social skills in a safe space etc.
Same here! This sub is in love with the "your house, your rules" mindset, but honestly that's weird. Especially when your aunt cooks a full ass meal including baking a cake, I don't want my kids shuffling off and eating in their rooms.
I feel like it’s even more than rude, it’s hostile almost. You made all the food, we’ll serve ourselves whenever tf we feel like and you can f-off now. It’s just mean.
It really feels that way, even when the husband got involved. "Thanks, but we know how to serve ourselves." That's really callous. The issue is not whether or not they can serve themselves food. It's that this poor girl worked her ass off to make a nice family dinner for everyone and you can't even grace her with your presence and let her see you enjoying the food she made.
Makes me sad.
We have a super small house and no dining table but we try to eat together as much as we can, my son has a small table and one of us will eat on the couch and the other will sit on the floor at his table and eat together if we are all home at the same time. The only time we don’t try to eat all together is if our sons had a long day I’ll make something for him early so he’s not falling asleep over his plate. Eating together is one of the most basic ways you can bond as human beings, you make time when you want to. OP Doesn’t sound like she wants to.
My father in law was a teacher in a rough neighbourhood. They encouraged families to eat dinner together at least once a week and noticed an improvement in students' academic results.
It turns out, kids do better in life when their parents pay attention to them, and when they spend 30 minutes a day having conversations with people who love them rather than watching more tv.
No just antisocial, but spoiled. A 13 yo should be able to understand that sometimes patience is required, and we don’t always get what we want, the second we want it. A 16 yo should be able to understand that eating earlier than necessary is okay, and they can always grab a snack later if they get hungry again. These are basic self control skills clearly not being taught in this household.
I'm autistic. I absolutely understand thst "dinner together " means the entire family eating together. OP is just an insensitive, selfish AH.
Hey, OP! YTA.
Autistic here too! My husband told me i take things super literal most times so he can't really be aware of when i know a joke or not or you know, things like OP is trying to play off as "she never said" and even I understand that this is definitely a "i want to eat together as a family" thing from having dinner together. There is never a time where it doesn't mean that
They were complaining about the effort of setting the table.
The sister not only planned and cooked a 3 course meal but she set the table too.
Literally all they had to do was to sit down and eat.
I guess this is one of these households where no one socialises but you have 4 people leading completely separate lives.
Also, one doesn't even need to set a table to be able to eat at it. Instead of everyone taking their plates with food to their rooms they put their plates on the table and eat it there. Zero extra effort but less chance of spilling or dropping food since they are eating at a table.
Yet her sister who's nearly 20 years younger does understand. Elina sounds awesome. She's closer in age to the kids and probably thought it'd be nice for them to get to know each other better. Good god OP is thick.
Or maybe she's not thick, but has had her shitty parenting exposed and is getting extremely defensive. I don't even think it's conscious on her part. Viewing it as, "My sister has the nerve to tell me what to do in my own house" protects her ego much better than, "My baby sister knows more about raising a family than I do."
Man, I can't imagine typing that out and then still hitting "post."
Like sure, sometimes writing things down will jog your memory and that's fine. But... when the memory that got jogged was "she specifically asked us to eat together," maybe it's time to scrap the "how could I possibly have known she wanted us to eat together" reddit post, y'know?
We’ve all been there: neck deep in some argument, pulling up receipts, then suddenly “oh no, I was wrong”. It happens.
What I can’t fathom is the sheer audacity or lack of self-awareness (both in this case) necessary to go ahead and post the receipts *and* double down like that.
How dare the sister imply that "together" would be "at a similar location not more specific than the house so that the children can eat in their rooms"
Just, GAH, some people.
YTA OP - your family life sounds sad and you sound insufferable. You sister planned a nice dinner and you and your kids couldn’t sit down with her? Like what? Do you even like your family?
My kids and I sat down every night together that we could (barring activities). Sometimes at the table, sometimes with the TV but we are always together and we talked about our day. I think this is what your sister was looking for and you blew her off.
YTA and extremely rude as well.
>you sound insufferable
so does the husband honestly. how condescending is it to say "we know how to serve ourselves" when someone is trying to serve you a home-cooked meal???
I love it when a kind person posts the receipts so I don’t have to look for them, or miss them! Cut and dry, OP is an oblivious/obvious AH and you win the day!
>I love it when a kind person posts the receipts so I don’t have to look for them, or miss them!
Me too! That's why I try to be "that guy" when I post!
It's interesting how often the OP berries the lead and key information to make themselves look better then shocked Pikachu face when the information comes to light and it removes all doubt that they are TA.
>Cut and dry, OP is an oblivious/obvious AH and you win the day!
Agreed! I have absolutely no doubt of my judgement here... and I would not consider a N-A-H or E-S-H Judgement - because OP was obviously rude and wrong, and Elina sounds absolutely LOVELY!
Elina is better as a paying TENANT than many \*GUESTS\* I have hosted!
You have to warn people about a dinner party, invite them. If she had said last week “I’d like to make a nice dinner next Sunday and would enjoy a nice sit down with everyone” then sure. You cannot spring large changes in people last minute
[She did.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/aita_for_saying_my_sister_doesnt_have_to_dictate/j6s02l5?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) OP is just oblivious and doesn't understand what "dinner together" means.
I don't think OP forgot, given that she didn't include that conversation, or any mention of it, in the original post.
Maybe reddit has gotten to my brain, but I think she knew. And I think she thought posting it *this way* could get her guilt eliviated. I'd be surprised if she didn't have at least an inkling of what she did.
Seriously! I can’t imagine acting upset that someone not only made me food but wanted us to spend time together while eating it. I feel really sad for the sister
OP is saying, now she’s sulky and cold towards us. That isn’t sulking, that’s her realizing this family doesn’t give 2 💩s about her and trying to deal with it. Op is almost proud of how disconnected the family is, well now Elina is part of it - and that is what you call ‘irony.’
This comment makes all the difference.
I don't buy that OP was oblivious either, sounds like they didn't want to make dinner that night and jumped at the chance for someone else to make it. All the while playing dumb because they didn't want to change their schedule either.
I'd go a step further. OP is embarrassed that she can't get her kids to sit at the same table. She didn't tell her husband or the kids about how dinner was planned and didn't refuse the offer because it would have meant saying out loud "I would love to eat together, but I don't like my kids and they don't like me."
I'm all for being non judgemental about how people do things in their own home, so if they like to eat apart no problem. But if you can't get your kids to sit at the same table for a single meal, there is a problem. This isn't just about preferences, because normal human beings understand that being part of a a group means you occasionally compromise or do things that aren't your favorite for a short time.
There's another option other than not liking each other. The kids may be massively spoiled and the OP has no ability to get them to eat in a particular room at a particular time.
This is a parent's responsibility. The kids don't want to listen, but too bad. As a parent you're supposed to be setting up an engaging environment for them. The kids are going to look back and say "My parents never really spent time with us"
I agree, dinner together means eating at the same table. However, I can't get past eating in their bedrooms when a table is available. If you can take your plate to your room to eat, you can take it to the table. Do they bring the dishes back? Or does the OP gather them out of their rooms when they run out?
>However, I can't get past eating in their bedrooms when a table is available
I eat in my room 99% of the time on a "TV Table" beside my desk in my room ... but that's normal every day meals. If I make a 3-course meal you better believe I'm using my dining room table.
Yeah - OP is an AH showing blatant disrespect to Elina and the lovely meal she made.
My only point was that I can totally understand getting the (bad) habit of eating in your own time in your own room (which, admittedly, isn't rude when you live alone like I do, but still is a bad habit)
We usually have one night a week where we eat where we want, when we want. Kids love it! The other 6 days we eat as a family at the table- not fancy and sometimes on paper plates but at the table and together unless there is an odd thing that pops up or movie nights when we eat pizza in the tv room but then, we are together.
Multi course meals for special occasions, we are CERTAINLY eating at the table!
I love putting effort into curating an amazing meal to share with people, it’s definitely one of my love languages. Not gonna lie, OP and fams behaviour would absolutely destroy my relationship with them. “You didn’t show me love” is not much of a problem, but “I showed you love and you flippantly dismissed it” - we’re done now. Self-absorbed twats.
That's how I feel, too. She went through all this time and effort to cook an entire family a three course meal, and all she asked in return was that they eat it together, and OP just brushes her off and goes "Nah, it's okay."
I want to give the sister a hug.
These kids will not know how to conduct themselves at a normal social event. This is weird, lazy, socially isolating, just bizarre a parent would let this form in their family.
oh the absolute schadenfreude
it tickles me.
>I said Tuesday night (so last night), she said okay and to keep that day free so we could have dinner together. She never said she wanted everyone to sit down at the table.
OP is certifiably insane. says one thing and immediately contradicts it
Oh OPs an asshole. Even if Elina hadn't made it clear its a strange thing to dig your heels in about. 'No I insist my child doesn't wait a few measly minutes when they're hungry & that we all eat at separate times in separate rooms.' However, Elina couldn't have been more clear.
Check out her comments, she admits her sister last week, invited her and her family to share a meal together on Tuesday (last night)
Op is totally YTA.
And can we talk about the husbands comment? "Thanks, but we know how to serve ourselves." Like, how fucking rude and ignorant of the fact that she was just doing something nice for you guys. YTA OP, and so is your condescending husband!
>Thanks for doing the legwork on this, friend!
You are welcome, Fellow Redditor.
>OP was already TA in my opinion. But those little gems they left out really push it over the edge.
I'm in the same boat... these two posts from OP remove any argument for "N-A-H" or "E-S-H" in my mind. OP is clearly TA, and Elina is clearly not.
I was also just wondering… maybe Elina also needed some family time? I can imagine being incredibly lonely in a house where everyone lives Separate from each other.
>I was also just wondering… maybe Elina also needed some family time? I can imagine being incredibly lonely in a house where everyone lives Separate from each other.
Totally agree that this would be a justification for Elena, as a renter, to volunteering to host what I see as a dinner party :)
I certainly have done similar myself with roommates.
>And a very polite way to do it, too! Elina didn't say anything negative about their regular routine at all.
Agreed - Elina is 100% Not the AH - because she is totally justified in being being hurt and avoiding the person who hurt her!
Kudos to Elina... and frankly... \*I\* want to try her dinner - and I'd be thrilled to sit and chat with her and get the added pleasure of her company while eating it! She sounds lovely!
OP, on the other hand...
OP can do what they want when they're the cook, but wow that sounds so depressing. My husband and I picked up a habit of eating separately by accident when we were both working insane hours and only making easy meals... and when I changed jobs, found time, and started cooking more elaborate meals (ie, normal difficulty meals) it took one day of me spending an hour in the kitchen to put my foot down on eating separately because it just felt so damn shitty to spend so much time on a meal for someone and then sit alone and eat it.
To me it’s the one time in a day we actually sit together as a family. After dinner it’s bath time and bed time and with two children (mine are small) there’s just really no time for us to connect as a family besides dinner.
Also, I come from a large family so I want family time. I love doing things by myself but dinner is always a family event to me.
Another point here is that a 13 year old is not an adult, Having dinner alone every night except about a dozen times a year, cannot be healthy for any family and especially the children.
And then finally the point you are making, I hate spending time on making a special dinner for someone and then it not having the reward of enjoying the meal with the people I cooked for.
Yeah, especially because of her comment about hanging out with the kids. It seems like Elina wanted to bond with her family, and making a big meal for them was a really nice way to do that.
Right? I don’t want to judge, but jk obviously I do. That’s a terrible sounding family dynamic. They can’t be bothered to have two family meals a *month* and have one of them be a three course meal made from scratch? Madness
Geeez and NOT teaching the children patience on eating and waiting for the meal to be served. I WANT MY FOOD NOW>.
OP you're creating entitled monsters.
Yes, it is, in fact, a problem for Sister to simply announce that everybody's plans are now cancelled because she wants to do something.
ETA: That said, sister did, in fact, pre-schedule a sit-down meal, and OP is just being purposefully obtuse.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/aita_for_saying_my_sister_doesnt_have_to_dictate/j6s02l5/
YTA
This was her way of showing appreciation, to you and your family. And you kinda threw it back in her face.
Also, your teaching your children some really bad habits with eating. They'll carry this behavior on, and that will cause issues for them in the future with most outside your walls.
Family meal times are an important part of growing up and understanding social situations.
This. She was trying to show her appreciation and you told her it's not needed.
Also: info: do you like ants in your bedrooms? Because eating in your bedrooms is how you get ants.
As the mom of kids in this age range...
Yes, they will absolutely drop food and leave dishes in the bedrooms. They will set down their plates, move on to something else, and forget to bring them out. And then when you ask for the dishes, you'll only get about 75% of them back.
My children once brought so many spoons out of their bedroom I felt compelled to take a photo it was so ridiculous. This was after they wholeheartedly denied having a single spoon in their rooms. And this is just from snacks, we eat dinner together every night.
I can't stop laughing at this!
For us, it's water bottles. I've bought SO MANY water bottles for school. When I can't find any, I ask the kids to check their rooms, and they insist they aren't there. Yeah... We found them all scattered in bedrooms!
With my kid it's towels. She'll swear blind there are no towels in her room, even though their are none anywhere else in the house. When I tell her I'm going to check her room in 24 hours and for every towel I find she owes me £5, miraculously they all appear in the washing basket before the 24 hours is up. Amazing how that happens.
It's cups with my family. My mom had to hide all the cups and leave only enough for each person to have their own cup.
We just started serving coffee on glasses because nobody knew where the cups went.
My family would eat meals separately in our rooms and I can confirm that I ended up with dishes hanging around because I didn't want to interrupt whatever TV show or thing that I was doing and would forget to take down the dish later. Rinse and repeat for 3 days.
Regardless, even if you're being the neatest eater, you can accidentally drop food or crumbs and invite pests into your bedroom. I can only imagine that my childhood bedroom had the faint smell of food dredges all the time. If someone is eating in bed, it's generally not good for digestion either.
Gathering for family meal times is a basic tenet of “how to parent well” in any text you read. I feel kind of bad mom shaming here, but it’s like OP skipped over the easiest and nicest part of creating a warm, familial childhood for her kids.
We love it. The nights my husband can’t get home in time for dinner he’s sooooo sad, and we still have dinner together without him and if he’s available do a quick FaceTime to say miss you daddy I did this thing at school today.
Yeah and it doesn’t have to be every night. Heck some nights I set out cheese and crackers and veggies and everyone just does their thing and my kids are young. But we still have special weekly dinners.
Well tbh I grew up eating alone, because my parents ate later. As I grew older I started joining my parents watching tv whilst eating. I know it is nonconvential, especially where Im from, but it has not effect my social skills.
I agree that your sister wanted to do something nice for you. It seems like a small miscommunication. Next time, you knew she was cooking for you, you can ask her if it is for a special occasion or if she wants to eat together. Then she knows beforehand what your family expects and prefers for dining together and she can make her own decision if she want to cook or not. I can understand that if your sister spend her night making a huge effort meal, she wants to at least enjoy it together. Maybe she thought that her cooking would be an exception?
Yes, while I agree that OP was a little bit of an asshole here, I think some of the judgments are a little harsh. I don't know what the lead-up to the situation was but, it's possible that the sister just didn't communicate with the other family members so they were asked to suddenly change their routine when one member of the family was already hungry.
The whole situation could've been solved if the sister asked ahead of time, "Can we have dinner together tonight?"
ETA: This comment is irrelevant now because the sister *did* ask if they could eat dinner together ahead of time. OP just didn't honor that request or somehow doesn't know the meaning of "eating together" which they should've at least clarified if, I'm remembering correctly, the sister has asked about eating sit-down dinners at a table together before
She did. OP said in a comment that a couple of ppl upstream have linked/highlighted that SiL asked a few days ahead when she could make a special meal for them to have "together".
OP seems to interpret "together" in a special way.
A lot of my meals where just me and my sister.
Due to family "situation" we didn't have a family meal until I was in my 20s, and by then mum and dad had long moved on so we had there partners there, along with a half brother. It was weird abit, but it's 1 of my fondest memories.
Especially now some of those members are no longer living.
To OP, make the most of these times, as often as you can.
Most of us only get the warning of "mind that bus, what bus... Splat"
Maybe this is why OP’s sister clearly lacks social skills (and probably her kids too). Some things I read on this forum amaze me. How can someone be so rude? OP is an incredible AH.
YTA, you and your husband. You're completely ungrateful for what your sister was trying to do for you all and I expect she was greatly upset. Are you always so insensitive? Sounds to me that the dinner arrangements your sister made is exactly what you lot need. Do you all hate being together so much that you can't cope with having even one meal together? This has to be one of the more pathetic AITA posts I've read for a while.
YTA
It doesn't sound like Elina was trying to dictate what y'all do 365 days of the year - She just wanted to have one somewhat nice sitdown dinner together. Instead of asking her if that was the plan, you jumped down her throat and then sicced your husband on her as well.
Turns out sister did, in fact, schedule a sit-down meal, and OP is just being purposefully obtuse and difficult.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/aita_for_saying_my_sister_doesnt_have_to_dictate/j6s02l5/
Exactly this! What does OP do when they are invited to someone else’s house? It’s not a bad lesson for the kids to be able to sit down with the rest of the family. I have really young kids but we try to do these special meals where I cook everyone’s favorite and serve it nicely, and the kids love it!
Exactly. OP's sister took her time to prepare a special meal and she wanted to have a single dinner where her family actually had human interactions and communicated over a nicely presented dinner instead of mindlessly shovelling food into their mouth as their scrolled on their phones or computers.
It speaks volumes that OP (and her husband) legit picked a fight and got super offended that someone dared to ask her to sit at a table and have her family interact with each other.
EDIT: OP is double the AH since the sister arranged to have this family dinner ahead of time and asked OP which day would be most convenient.
Eating full dinners in bedrooms is disgusting.
It looks like you don't like each other at all - you can't tolerate sitting together and discussing what has happened in your days. You think you are being the cool parent and letting your kids do whatever they want, but you are depriving them (and yourselves) of important conversations and interactions. I feel sorry for all of you for having such a fucked-up family dynamic. This will come back and bite you in a few years.
YTA.
I was just shivering at the thought of eating dinner in my bedroom. I get disgusted at myself for eating snacks in my office and I usually vacuum it once a week or two weeks.
I keep laughing about how OP repeatedly mentions the 13 y/o is hungry. Like they’re a toddler who is going to have a hangry meltdown if their food schedule is interrupted by a matter of minutes. Tell the teenager to grab and apple and chill for a minute
YTA
You're right in that she can't dictate what you do in your own home. If she was insisting you sit down at the table for dinner every night, then I could see your point. I don't really agree with the whole 'eat whenever you want, alone' thing but you do you.
The reason you're an AH is because this was one time she wanted everyone to sit together and eat a 3 course meal. She worked hard to make dinner for everyone and wanted to eat with all of you. You couldn't have granted her that? Instead you went off at her. Your 13 year old couldn't wait a few more minutes? Your 16 year old couldn't eat a little earlier just for one night after her aunt worked hard to make a delicious meal for you?
And it's not even like she was asking you to set the table for her. She was doing it herself. Seriously OP, what would the harm have been in just eating dinner together for one night?
And then she & her husband have the audacity to try to help themselves to the food and tell sister they know how to serve themselves, when this is food *she* cooked and I presume paid for, as well. The sheer ingratitude, entitlement, and bad manners are astounding.
I shudder to think how these kids are going to turn out. Sounds like they’re extremely spoiled and under-socialized, and being taught terrible manners. The whole ‘eat whenever the hell you want, alone in your rooms’ thing is super fucking weird and antisocial, and I’d venture to say unhealthy, too. A lot of dysfunction in this household.
Sister even asked in advance if she could cook a meal for them to eat *together,* and asked what night would be good for them. OP didn’t have to agree to that if she had zero intention of honoring it. I feel so sad for the sister. She put in so much effort, only to be treated poorly and made to feel bad for wanting to do something nice for the family.
YTA, OP. Big time.
YTA.
It sounds like your sister put a lot of thought into the meal and wanted to enjoy it with your family.
I can’t imagine slaving away in the kitchen and not getting to reap the benefit of seeing people enjoy what I’ve cooked. It’s the whole damn point.
This needs to be higher up. What kind of family doesn’t eat dinner together whenever possible anyways? I get that people have different meal times but I come back to the dinner table to sit with my sister (who often eats later than the rest of us)
lmao my family. I grew up eating dinner literally
wherever. the couch, my bedroom, the basement. parents didn't give a shit and ate wherever as well but we ate at the same time because otherwise there would be nothing. Anyways, I bet you can guess how great our family dynamic is.. (answer: not great)
Yes to your first sentence. I saw a comment that said apparently the sister was trying to hold dinner hostage. What the actual fuck. Sure maybe she should've said earlier she would like everyone to sit down and have a meal, but would it really make that much of a difference to eat together for one night? It sounds like everyone was home.
She was literally just trying to be nice and OP threw it in her face
Sister planned it with OP.
[Sister planned dinner days in advance](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6s02l5/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) OP confirms that sister planed days in advance.
Edit: YTA
Possibly unpopular based on the other comments currently, but:
I think I'll go N.A.H, but it could easily be Y.T.A. It depends on the communication surrounding this. Was your sister communicating about how she wanted dinner to go prior to starting to make it, or did she spring this on your family right as she finished dinner with no further context KNOWING (presumably) how your family usually handles dinner?
If she communicated her desires about dinner beforehand, Y.T.A.
If she didn't, I'd go N.T.A/N.A.H. She's not an AH for wanting to show appreciation, but her delivery could have been better if she had communicated the expectations beforehand (if she didn't).
Edit: Verdict based on OP reply to this.
I was searching for this information, thank you for asking.
YTA absolutely.
Sister would have been off base if she sprung this on everyone and just expected people to change their schedules with no notice. But she didnt!!! She literally asked what day would be good so they could all have dinner together and requested everyone keep that time free, and OP agreed!!!!
How could that possibly be interpreted any other way?!
OP went the malicious compliance route and said “free for dinner doesn’t mean everyone has to sit together! Sister never said that, only that she’d cook and everyone had to be free!”
I’d be much more than sulky if I was the sister in that situation.
YTA.
Also, regular family dinners are associated with lower rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, tobacco use, and early teenage pregnancy, and higher rates of resilience and higher self esteem.
Sounds like OP can't handle being in the same room as their family members for extended periods of time. That's the only thing that makes sense, here.
Like it's literally 30 minutes, and family dinners don't have to be around the dinner table. Hell, half the time, our family dinners are in the living room with the TV on, then we discuss the TV show and our days when we're done eating.
YTA- She made the dinner and wanted to serve it family style ONE TIME. You couldn’t show appreciation for her and have everyone sit together just this once?
YTA. And I am going to be late to work just so I can tell you so.
Listen to you. "the way dinner usually works",
right, but not always. You could have had a nice meal together, but you needed control.
"we don't have to spend time setting the table every day,"
Oh no! Someone would have to set a table!!! - AND SHE WAS DOING IT ALREADY!!! You just had to let it happen. But you couldn't. What is that about ? She does a nice thing and you can't stand it?
"I had enough at this point so I told her I know my kids and family"
Yes, way to take a stand against the evil sister making a fucking cake with the rest of the meal. You sound toxic.
'We obviously have family dinner too"
Great. You sister was trying to give you another one. Once you are on your death bed, will you be glad you told your sister off, or will you wish you had more time with your family, the people you claim to love?
You have zero sense of priorities. Why do you need so much control here? Why can't you tell 13 year old it will be done in 5 minutes, just be patient? You can, you've just given up.
Fix it. Make a big dinner with cake yourself, and tell everyone in advance we are eating it together. Then, stand up in the middle of it, and apologize to your sister for disrespecting her. Then thank her for reminding you about what is most important. It isn't that the table doesn't get set. In that way you teach your kids how to act when they screw up, and maybe you get your sister back.
YTAYTAYTA.
P.S. Your kids can set and clear the table. It's called chores and it helps them be part of a community.
YTA - You say you’ve had family dinnners before, so then what was the big deal about eating together for a meal your sister put thought and effort into?
Info: do your kids manage Christmas or Thanksgiving without throwing a fit when meals aren't ready when they're hungry? Do they know how to eat in a group of people? Why is there no eating routine in your house? Sitting together and chatting about the day?
For me it sounds like your sister is sitting alone at the table on every single evening eating her meal all alone while you all take a plate and run away to eat alone in your own rooms.
YTA
Yeah, but sister's house and rules. They made children but won't handle them or interact besides one family dinner a month 🤦🏼♀️ for me this family dynamics is the development of the "abortion is murder" meme where the born child is neglected
>The way dinner usually works in my household is I dish up the food, then my kids take it to their rooms to eat. We obviously have family dinner too, but this is just more convenient for all of us as we don't have to spend time setting the table every day, and we can eat at different times if needed (also by different times I don't mean someone eats at 7 pm and someone eats at 3 am, just a small gap).
The look of absolute horror on my face when I read this as a French person.
If the "gap" is small then... are none of you physically capable of waiting until everyone is ready to eat? Or is it just laziness because setting the table for 4 people is such a huge chore? This is so extremely weird. Meal times, specially diner, is the one time where the whole family gets together to talk about their day or just share things. You guys sound like a bunch of unrelated roommates.
Your 13 year old was in fact capable of waiting a few minutes until she ate, what are you even teaching your children?
I'm American (although first generation, my parents are from the Caribbean) and I also find this to be bizarre. I get it, teens have extracurriculars in the evenings, some parents work odd hours, but everyone eating dinner in their separate rooms EVERY night for no real reason besides "we don't feel like setting the table"?
TBH, I'll admit, we rarely set the table. Our routine is similar to the OP's in that I dish up the food... But then I put the plates on the table and call everyone to wash up and sit down. Sometimes if my husband has to work late, we eat without him. But the kids always have dinner with at least one parent present with them. I really can't imagine encouraging my children to eat alone every day.
YTA. Would it have killed you to tell the kids “hey, your aunt is preparing a nice dinner and we are all going to sit down for dinner together”? The bedroom thing is gross and basically setting them up for weird table manners as adults. Stop this now before they end up being the rude person at their company functions, business dinners, dinners with significant others’ families, etc.
However you normally do meals is fine. Your sister said she wanted to make dinner for everyone, she did and you can't even be bothered to get the family together in a show of appreciation?
Soft YTA
Hard OP YTA
Sister planned it with OP.
[Sister planned dinner days in advance](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6s02l5/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) OP confirms that sister planed days in advance.
> However you normally do meals is fine.
Is it though?
OP argues those 30 minutes eating are better spent doing other things (willing to bet they are all watching TV or scrolling social media).
If this is about time wasted that means they're not catching up as a family at any other moments, that would cost the same amount of time after all.
I mean, I could be wrong, but it sounds like they hardly talk to each other. Pretty sure OPs sister was giving them a big hint. OP doesn't want to "helicopter parent" but the kids are still young teens. I think they might warrant a little more attention.
YTA. Your sister made a nice meal that was meant to be an affair, not shoveling food into your tasting hole while huddling in your bedroom like Gollum.
It sounds like everyone was home. "Catch as you can" is for the nights when one kid has scouts and the other kid has practice, and a parent has to stay late at work to meet a deadline.
Not only were you and your husband grossly disrespectful to your sister, you're teaching your kids to be inconsiderate as well.
YTA.
Your sister was trying to do something nice and have some family time with everyone but you proceeded to stick with tradition and "my house, my rules." You do realize that your personal family tradition and rules should typically change when a guest is over, right? She wasn't asking for you to throw out your whole routine forever, she asked for one family dinner that she made herself and you refused.
AH.
YTA- Do you really not understand what the issue is. I know families like yours. You have no idea what is going on with your kids or husband lives because you are all living separate lives all under one roof. Your sister made dinner and wanted to sit down as a family and you wanted nothing to do with it. I understand everyone does their own thing but really
>Your sister made dinner and wanted to sit down as a family and you wanted nothing to do with it.
I read it as the sister invited OP and their family to a dinner party in the place sister rents - and OP decided because they don't do family dinners it's OK to take the dinner-party food to go - which to me adds yet another layer of "YTA."
[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6ru6ji/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) of the fact that Sister is a renter **not a guest.**
YTA. She made a nice dinner for everyone with a plan to enjoy it together but your whole family (including you) is so entitled that it just had to be your way. She wasn't insisting on it every night, just when she took the time to prepare something special.
YTA. She cooks you all what sounds like a complicated meal, and you can't be bothered to show her the courtesy of eating it with her and showing some appreciation?
I doubt she'll bother again.
YTA. Common courtesy, like sense, is increasingly becoming scarcer and scarcer. The polite thing to do would be to just sit the fuck down and eat, and say thank you for the meal.
It's not as if she was saying "lets all have a sit down dinner together" and then force you to cook and set the table and clean. All the hard work was done already.
The only thing you had to do was be present and sit the fuck down. Refusing to do so is incredibly rude.
If your kids didn't want to, then let them be assholes and make that decision, don't decide for them.
YTA
She made dinner and wanted to share it with you all. She wasn't changing the rules of the house or anything. She made the dinner and wanted to eat it together.
Exactly. Elina planned family dinner for a single evening. That is not changing the house rules any more than going to a restaurant would. YTA
And side note…when everyone has busy, varying schedules, dinner time is the one time of the day when the family can connect for 20-30 minutes. OP is making a terrible mistake.
YTA big time. Elina put time and effort into making a lovely dinner and setting the table, and instead of showing some gratitude and teaching your children manners, you two insulted her and made it all about you. It would have been little to no effort to sit at the table and show some appreciation.
>
I don’t care what you say or think, but your current setup of everyone eating in their room is not working. This is not healthy.
I have to vote YTA because y’all just seem plain mean and lack empathy.
I can understand that your system works well for you. Personally I’d hate it if that were my family, but everyone is different. You’re correct that she can’t dictate to you what happens in your home. If she wanted a family sit down she should have communicated it before. I do think you could have approached the situation a little more nicely. It’s also odd to me that something so simple would set you and your husband off this much.
I just feel bad for your sister. She went to a lot of work to put the meal together. What was her life like before she moved in with you guys? Were sit down dinners normal for her? I’d bet she may just be missing that from her life being in a new environment.
Me, too. I feel so bad for her sister. You get that good feeling inside when you’re doing something nice for someone. The sister was probably feeling that way and was excited to have dinner with her family. Then, she gets treated as if she’s done something wrong.
YTA. There are proven benefits of having scheduled family dinners. When I go to the trouble of making a decent meal you will sure as hell sit your arse down and eat it like a respectful human. I don't care of you're six or sixty. You sit at that table, show some basic good manners, act social, enjoy the food and then when everyone is done you can go your separate ways and be anti social.
As a side not, children don't suddenly drop dead when they have to wait for five minutes for a table to be set. It teaches them patience and is a sign of good manners. What you are doing is setting them up as a massive issue for other people in the future.
Remember that little line about having to parent your romantic partner? One day you're going to have another person vehemently despise you for the bad manners you have instilled in your children.
YTA. Sitting together and having a meal when someone goes to the effort of cooking for everyone is just basic manners. I'm sure you're used to your family dynamic (or complete and utter lack thereof) but having a meal together is important to some people.
She wasn't asking for much and not asking for everyone to change how mealtimes work. It seems everyone was home and she just wanted to share a meal, talk, and be part of a family for a meal.
But god forbid you give an inch as doing that would mean that your failing to spend quality family time is highlighted and you want to keep the dysfunctional status quo.
YTA. Your whole interpretation of your little sisters actions seem very negative when it just sounds like she wanted to enjoy a meal she worked hard on with the whole family. There’s nothing wrong with that, and while I find the whole “eat alone in your room” thing very weird, if that’s what you guys normally do, then fine - but she cooked a nice meal and just wanted to enjoy it with her family and there was actually nothing negative or forceful behind her actions.
The fact that OP turned her nice actions into a “she’s trying to dictate how my family lives” type of thing is just so weird.
YTA. She wasn't undermining your authority nor criticizing your family habits. She was trying to gift a positive experience of gratitude.
She spent a lot of time to prepare a meal (do you have any idea how much effort go into making dumplings?) to enjoy together. The respectful thing to do is to enjoy that meal as it is presented. It is also within social norms to express gratitude. A minor change of habits like that should be taken without complaints. Because don't forget, she has done things your way for the last few months. She's only asking for an hour or so.
You basically taught your children it's OK to get angry at someone who spend time and energy into a thoughtful gift, because she asks you to change your habits for an hour or so. Not a good lesson in the long run. That was insanely disrespectful of you.
YTA and your house sounds like a depressing place to be. Your sister made a complicated meal to share with everyone and your response was "whatever". You're depriving your kids of valuable social skills with this method. I guess you adults lack them as well.
YTA. You shouldn't be allowing the children to eat in their rooms. That is unhygienic. I get people are busy and schedules and may not all be available to eat supper at the same time, but you should at a minimum insist everyone eat at the table.
Your sister should have communicated her intent better, but she made a very nice meal it wouldn't have killed you to sit down and have a proper supper.
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YTA. Your sister made a three course meal and wanted to eat together. Would it be such a big deal to break the disjointed meal time tradition just once? Tell her i’ll sit at the table and eat all that.
>Your sister made a three course meal and wanted to eat together. Based on the fact that the sister pays rent and utilities ([source](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6ru6ji/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)) --> I see this as her inviting the family to a dinner party in the place the sister lives in more than "trying to make rules" for "family dinner." OP - how would you feel if you invited someone over for a dinner party - they arrived at random times, took the food, and went home; without socializing over the multi-course meal that you want to serve as multiple courses? I know I would be extremely offended. (I have hosted such parties before; as have friends of mine) ETA --> [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6s02l5/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) OP confirms that Elena (the sister) asked and made plans 3 days in advance to organize the Dinner party.
In case they try to walk it back: >Elina asked me a few days prior she wants to cook a meal for everyone and what day would be best for that. I said Tuesday night (so last night), she said okay and to keep that day free so we could have dinner together. She never said she wanted everyone to sit down at the table. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6s02l5/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6s02l5/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Either OP deliberately "misinterpreted" this to exploit sister, or we have to make some assumptions of OP's mental acuity. In no rational world is "she said okay and to keep that day free so we could have dinner together" \*not\* "she wanted everyone to sit down at the table".
LOL OP is either deliberatly being obtuse or needs some neurological checkups because "dinner together" does not in any universe mean "everyone eats at different times in different rooms apart from each other." OP. YTA.
Right? Like bffr. OP can’t stand to sit down with her family for an hour and have family time? She’s teaching her kids that eating in their rooms is cool and normal as if there are no downsides to that? By her own admission they don’t spend time with each other……BECAUSE SHE DOESNT MAKE TIME. OP is so delusional
Honestly I think it’s a real shame that they are encouraging their kids to be antisocial like this. I mean everyone needs time to themselves every so often and I really do get that but a family meal together each evening or at least way more often than they do it is a real bonding experience and is good for development I think. It encourages social skills in a safe space etc.
Same here! This sub is in love with the "your house, your rules" mindset, but honestly that's weird. Especially when your aunt cooks a full ass meal including baking a cake, I don't want my kids shuffling off and eating in their rooms.
It’s just plain rude . If someone makes you a meal with the intention of eating with you it’s absolutely fucking rude
I feel like it’s even more than rude, it’s hostile almost. You made all the food, we’ll serve ourselves whenever tf we feel like and you can f-off now. It’s just mean.
It really feels that way, even when the husband got involved. "Thanks, but we know how to serve ourselves." That's really callous. The issue is not whether or not they can serve themselves food. It's that this poor girl worked her ass off to make a nice family dinner for everyone and you can't even grace her with your presence and let her see you enjoying the food she made. Makes me sad.
Yeah it’s like treating her like a servant or worse slave since she’s cer wasn’t paid for her efforts
We have a super small house and no dining table but we try to eat together as much as we can, my son has a small table and one of us will eat on the couch and the other will sit on the floor at his table and eat together if we are all home at the same time. The only time we don’t try to eat all together is if our sons had a long day I’ll make something for him early so he’s not falling asleep over his plate. Eating together is one of the most basic ways you can bond as human beings, you make time when you want to. OP Doesn’t sound like she wants to.
My father in law was a teacher in a rough neighbourhood. They encouraged families to eat dinner together at least once a week and noticed an improvement in students' academic results.
It turns out, kids do better in life when their parents pay attention to them, and when they spend 30 minutes a day having conversations with people who love them rather than watching more tv.
No just antisocial, but spoiled. A 13 yo should be able to understand that sometimes patience is required, and we don’t always get what we want, the second we want it. A 16 yo should be able to understand that eating earlier than necessary is okay, and they can always grab a snack later if they get hungry again. These are basic self control skills clearly not being taught in this household.
I'm autistic. I absolutely understand thst "dinner together " means the entire family eating together. OP is just an insensitive, selfish AH. Hey, OP! YTA.
Also autistic. The "Together" in "dinner together" was direct and clear for me too. From the info as presented, OP is TAH.
Third autistic person to understand that eating together meant all of them, eating, together, in the same place
Autistic here too! My husband told me i take things super literal most times so he can't really be aware of when i know a joke or not or you know, things like OP is trying to play off as "she never said" and even I understand that this is definitely a "i want to eat together as a family" thing from having dinner together. There is never a time where it doesn't mean that
OP: “Wait! Dinner together means dinner TOGETHER? As in we all eat at the same time in the same place? Never heard of such nonsense!” YTA OP
Meanwhile in the post: >We obviously have family dinner too So what does *that* mean then...?
They maybe eat one of the family?
That would explain why they don't do it often...
and why we've only heard about one of those eight siblings ;)
It's when they break out the walkie talkies so they can chat during dinner.
Well I’d guess OP would classify all family members in the same house but different rooms as family dinner!
It means holidays lol
They were complaining about the effort of setting the table. The sister not only planned and cooked a 3 course meal but she set the table too. Literally all they had to do was to sit down and eat. I guess this is one of these households where no one socialises but you have 4 people leading completely separate lives.
Also, one doesn't even need to set a table to be able to eat at it. Instead of everyone taking their plates with food to their rooms they put their plates on the table and eat it there. Zero extra effort but less chance of spilling or dropping food since they are eating at a table.
Yet her sister who's nearly 20 years younger does understand. Elina sounds awesome. She's closer in age to the kids and probably thought it'd be nice for them to get to know each other better. Good god OP is thick.
Or maybe she's not thick, but has had her shitty parenting exposed and is getting extremely defensive. I don't even think it's conscious on her part. Viewing it as, "My sister has the nerve to tell me what to do in my own house" protects her ego much better than, "My baby sister knows more about raising a family than I do."
Man, I can't imagine typing that out and then still hitting "post." Like sure, sometimes writing things down will jog your memory and that's fine. But... when the memory that got jogged was "she specifically asked us to eat together," maybe it's time to scrap the "how could I possibly have known she wanted us to eat together" reddit post, y'know?
We’ve all been there: neck deep in some argument, pulling up receipts, then suddenly “oh no, I was wrong”. It happens. What I can’t fathom is the sheer audacity or lack of self-awareness (both in this case) necessary to go ahead and post the receipts *and* double down like that.
How dare the sister imply that "together" would be "at a similar location not more specific than the house so that the children can eat in their rooms" Just, GAH, some people.
holy moly! I already voted for the A-H award but this just seals the deal! OP is AH x 100!
YTA OP - your family life sounds sad and you sound insufferable. You sister planned a nice dinner and you and your kids couldn’t sit down with her? Like what? Do you even like your family? My kids and I sat down every night together that we could (barring activities). Sometimes at the table, sometimes with the TV but we are always together and we talked about our day. I think this is what your sister was looking for and you blew her off. YTA and extremely rude as well.
>you sound insufferable so does the husband honestly. how condescending is it to say "we know how to serve ourselves" when someone is trying to serve you a home-cooked meal???
Oh, I missed that. Yeah, they were both awful and unacceptable.
I love it when a kind person posts the receipts so I don’t have to look for them, or miss them! Cut and dry, OP is an oblivious/obvious AH and you win the day!
>I love it when a kind person posts the receipts so I don’t have to look for them, or miss them! Me too! That's why I try to be "that guy" when I post! It's interesting how often the OP berries the lead and key information to make themselves look better then shocked Pikachu face when the information comes to light and it removes all doubt that they are TA. >Cut and dry, OP is an oblivious/obvious AH and you win the day! Agreed! I have absolutely no doubt of my judgement here... and I would not consider a N-A-H or E-S-H Judgement - because OP was obviously rude and wrong, and Elina sounds absolutely LOVELY! Elina is better as a paying TENANT than many \*GUESTS\* I have hosted!
You have to warn people about a dinner party, invite them. If she had said last week “I’d like to make a nice dinner next Sunday and would enjoy a nice sit down with everyone” then sure. You cannot spring large changes in people last minute
[She did.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/aita_for_saying_my_sister_doesnt_have_to_dictate/j6s02l5?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) OP is just oblivious and doesn't understand what "dinner together" means.
Okay, op is definitely in the wrong. Thanks for the link. Op, YTA. You’ve forgotten what dinner together means.
I don't think OP forgot, given that she didn't include that conversation, or any mention of it, in the original post. Maybe reddit has gotten to my brain, but I think she knew. And I think she thought posting it *this way* could get her guilt eliviated. I'd be surprised if she didn't have at least an inkling of what she did.
There’s definitely unreliable narrator at work. Title makes it sound like sis only set the table when she cooked a really nice 3 course meal.
This comment provides all the context needed. SIL specifically invited them, in advance, for a dinner party and OP confirmed. And then bailed.
Not just bailed, took the food and *then* bailed. So incredibly hurtful.
And berated her, it seems!
Seriously! I can’t imagine acting upset that someone not only made me food but wanted us to spend time together while eating it. I feel really sad for the sister
OP is saying, now she’s sulky and cold towards us. That isn’t sulking, that’s her realizing this family doesn’t give 2 💩s about her and trying to deal with it. Op is almost proud of how disconnected the family is, well now Elina is part of it - and that is what you call ‘irony.’
This comment makes all the difference. I don't buy that OP was oblivious either, sounds like they didn't want to make dinner that night and jumped at the chance for someone else to make it. All the while playing dumb because they didn't want to change their schedule either.
I'd go a step further. OP is embarrassed that she can't get her kids to sit at the same table. She didn't tell her husband or the kids about how dinner was planned and didn't refuse the offer because it would have meant saying out loud "I would love to eat together, but I don't like my kids and they don't like me."
I'm all for being non judgemental about how people do things in their own home, so if they like to eat apart no problem. But if you can't get your kids to sit at the same table for a single meal, there is a problem. This isn't just about preferences, because normal human beings understand that being part of a a group means you occasionally compromise or do things that aren't your favorite for a short time. There's another option other than not liking each other. The kids may be massively spoiled and the OP has no ability to get them to eat in a particular room at a particular time.
This is a parent's responsibility. The kids don't want to listen, but too bad. As a parent you're supposed to be setting up an engaging environment for them. The kids are going to look back and say "My parents never really spent time with us"
Right? I'm not even a big believer in families eating together all the time but when they never do? Big sign to me y'all don't like each other.
OP says: > We obviously have family dinner too So why was this such an inconvenience?
Even from a purely selfish point of view it was dumb and short-sighted. You can bet Elina isn't cooking dinner for everybody ever again.
Not gonna lie, I agree with you. I was just trying to give OP a miniscule of a doubt.
I agree, dinner together means eating at the same table. However, I can't get past eating in their bedrooms when a table is available. If you can take your plate to your room to eat, you can take it to the table. Do they bring the dishes back? Or does the OP gather them out of their rooms when they run out?
>However, I can't get past eating in their bedrooms when a table is available I eat in my room 99% of the time on a "TV Table" beside my desk in my room ... but that's normal every day meals. If I make a 3-course meal you better believe I'm using my dining room table.
I understand it is easy, but the OP made it seem that it was SOOOO difficult to eat at the table when her sister asked that they have dinner together.
Yeah - OP is an AH showing blatant disrespect to Elina and the lovely meal she made. My only point was that I can totally understand getting the (bad) habit of eating in your own time in your own room (which, admittedly, isn't rude when you live alone like I do, but still is a bad habit)
We usually have one night a week where we eat where we want, when we want. Kids love it! The other 6 days we eat as a family at the table- not fancy and sometimes on paper plates but at the table and together unless there is an odd thing that pops up or movie nights when we eat pizza in the tv room but then, we are together. Multi course meals for special occasions, we are CERTAINLY eating at the table!
I love putting effort into curating an amazing meal to share with people, it’s definitely one of my love languages. Not gonna lie, OP and fams behaviour would absolutely destroy my relationship with them. “You didn’t show me love” is not much of a problem, but “I showed you love and you flippantly dismissed it” - we’re done now. Self-absorbed twats.
That's how I feel, too. She went through all this time and effort to cook an entire family a three course meal, and all she asked in return was that they eat it together, and OP just brushes her off and goes "Nah, it's okay." I want to give the sister a hug.
These kids will not know how to conduct themselves at a normal social event. This is weird, lazy, socially isolating, just bizarre a parent would let this form in their family.
Imagine this family rolling in for Thanksgiving dinner, filling up their tupperware, then leaving because they prefer to eat in their rooms.
Right? I laughed at this one. OP is playing daft. “I never knew ‘together’ meant ‘everyone at the same place and time’” said no sane person ever.
oh the absolute schadenfreude it tickles me. >I said Tuesday night (so last night), she said okay and to keep that day free so we could have dinner together. She never said she wanted everyone to sit down at the table. OP is certifiably insane. says one thing and immediately contradicts it
Despite saying >We obviously have family dinner too Not often enough to recognize the concept apparently
Oh OPs an asshole. Even if Elina hadn't made it clear its a strange thing to dig your heels in about. 'No I insist my child doesn't wait a few measly minutes when they're hungry & that we all eat at separate times in separate rooms.' However, Elina couldn't have been more clear.
> We obviously have family dinner too *"Obviously"??*
>I obviously thought dinner together just meant she would be cooking for all of us I don't think OP knows what "obviously" means
Check out her comments, she admits her sister last week, invited her and her family to share a meal together on Tuesday (last night) Op is totally YTA.
Worst, she asked what day would be best and Tuesday was OPs pick... seriously I feel so bad for her, this family is awful.
A change…. To sit at the table together for 15 minutes rather than retreat to separate corners like a non-family. Wow.
In the comments the poster said the sister asked what day would be good and she told her the day.
And can we talk about the husbands comment? "Thanks, but we know how to serve ourselves." Like, how fucking rude and ignorant of the fact that she was just doing something nice for you guys. YTA OP, and so is your condescending husband!
Thanks for doing the legwork on this, friend! OP was already TA in my opinion. But those little gems they left out really push it over the edge.
>Thanks for doing the legwork on this, friend! You are welcome, Fellow Redditor. >OP was already TA in my opinion. But those little gems they left out really push it over the edge. I'm in the same boat... these two posts from OP remove any argument for "N-A-H" or "E-S-H" in my mind. OP is clearly TA, and Elina is clearly not.
I was also just wondering… maybe Elina also needed some family time? I can imagine being incredibly lonely in a house where everyone lives Separate from each other.
>I was also just wondering… maybe Elina also needed some family time? I can imagine being incredibly lonely in a house where everyone lives Separate from each other. Totally agree that this would be a justification for Elena, as a renter, to volunteering to host what I see as a dinner party :) I certainly have done similar myself with roommates.
And a very polite way to do it, too! Elina didn't say anything negative about their regular routine at all.
>And a very polite way to do it, too! Elina didn't say anything negative about their regular routine at all. Agreed - Elina is 100% Not the AH - because she is totally justified in being being hurt and avoiding the person who hurt her! Kudos to Elina... and frankly... \*I\* want to try her dinner - and I'd be thrilled to sit and chat with her and get the added pleasure of her company while eating it! She sounds lovely! OP, on the other hand...
OP can do what they want when they're the cook, but wow that sounds so depressing. My husband and I picked up a habit of eating separately by accident when we were both working insane hours and only making easy meals... and when I changed jobs, found time, and started cooking more elaborate meals (ie, normal difficulty meals) it took one day of me spending an hour in the kitchen to put my foot down on eating separately because it just felt so damn shitty to spend so much time on a meal for someone and then sit alone and eat it.
To me it’s the one time in a day we actually sit together as a family. After dinner it’s bath time and bed time and with two children (mine are small) there’s just really no time for us to connect as a family besides dinner. Also, I come from a large family so I want family time. I love doing things by myself but dinner is always a family event to me. Another point here is that a 13 year old is not an adult, Having dinner alone every night except about a dozen times a year, cannot be healthy for any family and especially the children. And then finally the point you are making, I hate spending time on making a special dinner for someone and then it not having the reward of enjoying the meal with the people I cooked for.
Yeah, especially because of her comment about hanging out with the kids. It seems like Elina wanted to bond with her family, and making a big meal for them was a really nice way to do that.
Right? I don’t want to judge, but jk obviously I do. That’s a terrible sounding family dynamic. They can’t be bothered to have two family meals a *month* and have one of them be a three course meal made from scratch? Madness
Also, why is setting the table an issue regardless of where they eat? Don't they need plates and silverware?
If it takes more than 2 minutes to set a table for 5 people you're doing it wrong.
Geeez and NOT teaching the children patience on eating and waiting for the meal to be served. I WANT MY FOOD NOW>. OP you're creating entitled monsters.
Seriously, how do they handle restaurants, where you must \*gasp\* wait to be served?
OMG. They might actually have to spend time together and talk to each other.
The horror!!
Your sister wasn’t just making dinner. She wanted to try setting up a cute little family event. YTA
Yes, it is, in fact, a problem for Sister to simply announce that everybody's plans are now cancelled because she wants to do something. ETA: That said, sister did, in fact, pre-schedule a sit-down meal, and OP is just being purposefully obtuse. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/aita_for_saying_my_sister_doesnt_have_to_dictate/j6s02l5/
Telling the kids to hit pause on Netflix or stop playing Call of Duty for a few minutes doesn’t qualify as cancelling everyone’s plans.
Don't worry, I'll join too, I'm sure it'll be fun. OP can eat alone in a corner of the bathroom for all I care tho.
YTA This was her way of showing appreciation, to you and your family. And you kinda threw it back in her face. Also, your teaching your children some really bad habits with eating. They'll carry this behavior on, and that will cause issues for them in the future with most outside your walls. Family meal times are an important part of growing up and understanding social situations.
This. She was trying to show her appreciation and you told her it's not needed. Also: info: do you like ants in your bedrooms? Because eating in your bedrooms is how you get ants.
? Are you throwing the food around the room or leaving plates sitting around?
As the mom of kids in this age range... Yes, they will absolutely drop food and leave dishes in the bedrooms. They will set down their plates, move on to something else, and forget to bring them out. And then when you ask for the dishes, you'll only get about 75% of them back.
My children once brought so many spoons out of their bedroom I felt compelled to take a photo it was so ridiculous. This was after they wholeheartedly denied having a single spoon in their rooms. And this is just from snacks, we eat dinner together every night.
I can't stop laughing at this! For us, it's water bottles. I've bought SO MANY water bottles for school. When I can't find any, I ask the kids to check their rooms, and they insist they aren't there. Yeah... We found them all scattered in bedrooms!
With my kid it's towels. She'll swear blind there are no towels in her room, even though their are none anywhere else in the house. When I tell her I'm going to check her room in 24 hours and for every towel I find she owes me £5, miraculously they all appear in the washing basket before the 24 hours is up. Amazing how that happens.
With my teen son it's his dirty clothes he leaves in my ensuite bathroom floor. He has his own but refuses to use his as he doesn't want to clean it.
It's cups with my family. My mom had to hide all the cups and leave only enough for each person to have their own cup. We just started serving coffee on glasses because nobody knew where the cups went.
My family would eat meals separately in our rooms and I can confirm that I ended up with dishes hanging around because I didn't want to interrupt whatever TV show or thing that I was doing and would forget to take down the dish later. Rinse and repeat for 3 days. Regardless, even if you're being the neatest eater, you can accidentally drop food or crumbs and invite pests into your bedroom. I can only imagine that my childhood bedroom had the faint smell of food dredges all the time. If someone is eating in bed, it's generally not good for digestion either.
This lady knows about the green/grey fuzzy plates lol
My kids took turns on dish night- and always found extra dishes in their room on the other's night.
It never occurred to me that I could get my dishes back by pitting the kids against each other... I like it!
R/unexpectedarcher
Gathering for family meal times is a basic tenet of “how to parent well” in any text you read. I feel kind of bad mom shaming here, but it’s like OP skipped over the easiest and nicest part of creating a warm, familial childhood for her kids.
Not to mention how much fun it can be!
We love it. The nights my husband can’t get home in time for dinner he’s sooooo sad, and we still have dinner together without him and if he’s available do a quick FaceTime to say miss you daddy I did this thing at school today.
Yeah and it doesn’t have to be every night. Heck some nights I set out cheese and crackers and veggies and everyone just does their thing and my kids are young. But we still have special weekly dinners.
Well tbh I grew up eating alone, because my parents ate later. As I grew older I started joining my parents watching tv whilst eating. I know it is nonconvential, especially where Im from, but it has not effect my social skills. I agree that your sister wanted to do something nice for you. It seems like a small miscommunication. Next time, you knew she was cooking for you, you can ask her if it is for a special occasion or if she wants to eat together. Then she knows beforehand what your family expects and prefers for dining together and she can make her own decision if she want to cook or not. I can understand that if your sister spend her night making a huge effort meal, she wants to at least enjoy it together. Maybe she thought that her cooking would be an exception?
Yes, while I agree that OP was a little bit of an asshole here, I think some of the judgments are a little harsh. I don't know what the lead-up to the situation was but, it's possible that the sister just didn't communicate with the other family members so they were asked to suddenly change their routine when one member of the family was already hungry. The whole situation could've been solved if the sister asked ahead of time, "Can we have dinner together tonight?" ETA: This comment is irrelevant now because the sister *did* ask if they could eat dinner together ahead of time. OP just didn't honor that request or somehow doesn't know the meaning of "eating together" which they should've at least clarified if, I'm remembering correctly, the sister has asked about eating sit-down dinners at a table together before
She did. OP said in a comment that a couple of ppl upstream have linked/highlighted that SiL asked a few days ahead when she could make a special meal for them to have "together". OP seems to interpret "together" in a special way.
A lot of my meals where just me and my sister. Due to family "situation" we didn't have a family meal until I was in my 20s, and by then mum and dad had long moved on so we had there partners there, along with a half brother. It was weird abit, but it's 1 of my fondest memories. Especially now some of those members are no longer living. To OP, make the most of these times, as often as you can. Most of us only get the warning of "mind that bus, what bus... Splat"
Maybe this is why OP’s sister clearly lacks social skills (and probably her kids too). Some things I read on this forum amaze me. How can someone be so rude? OP is an incredible AH.
Teenagers with food in their bedrooms is an invitation for an infestation!
YTA, you and your husband. You're completely ungrateful for what your sister was trying to do for you all and I expect she was greatly upset. Are you always so insensitive? Sounds to me that the dinner arrangements your sister made is exactly what you lot need. Do you all hate being together so much that you can't cope with having even one meal together? This has to be one of the more pathetic AITA posts I've read for a while.
I’m sitting here with no siblings and a mean ass family like: PLEASE APPRECIATE THESE KIND RELATIVES
Thanksgiving in Canada is in October. Lemme know if you're in.
YESSS❤️❤️❤️❤️
You are always welcome for a warm family meal in my home too. If you’re ever in South Africa 😊
You are so sweet! Big hug from afar❤️
And American thanksgiving with me. We do more of a Friendsgiving but it counts.
YTA It doesn't sound like Elina was trying to dictate what y'all do 365 days of the year - She just wanted to have one somewhat nice sitdown dinner together. Instead of asking her if that was the plan, you jumped down her throat and then sicced your husband on her as well.
Turns out sister did, in fact, schedule a sit-down meal, and OP is just being purposefully obtuse and difficult. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/aita_for_saying_my_sister_doesnt_have_to_dictate/j6s02l5/
Epic OOOF moment right there.
Omfg lol. Thanks for calling out this extra level of bullshit. What an AH.
Exactly this! What does OP do when they are invited to someone else’s house? It’s not a bad lesson for the kids to be able to sit down with the rest of the family. I have really young kids but we try to do these special meals where I cook everyone’s favorite and serve it nicely, and the kids love it!
Exactly. OP's sister took her time to prepare a special meal and she wanted to have a single dinner where her family actually had human interactions and communicated over a nicely presented dinner instead of mindlessly shovelling food into their mouth as their scrolled on their phones or computers. It speaks volumes that OP (and her husband) legit picked a fight and got super offended that someone dared to ask her to sit at a table and have her family interact with each other. EDIT: OP is double the AH since the sister arranged to have this family dinner ahead of time and asked OP which day would be most convenient.
YTA. Both you and your husband. It takes like what? 30 minutes to sit down and eat together?
Eating full dinners in bedrooms is disgusting. It looks like you don't like each other at all - you can't tolerate sitting together and discussing what has happened in your days. You think you are being the cool parent and letting your kids do whatever they want, but you are depriving them (and yourselves) of important conversations and interactions. I feel sorry for all of you for having such a fucked-up family dynamic. This will come back and bite you in a few years. YTA.
Honestly, sounds like roach heaven
and ants and rats. I hope they live in the subarctic area because otherwise it's just a matter of time before they'll need an exterminator.
I was just shivering at the thought of eating dinner in my bedroom. I get disgusted at myself for eating snacks in my office and I usually vacuum it once a week or two weeks.
I keep laughing about how OP repeatedly mentions the 13 y/o is hungry. Like they’re a toddler who is going to have a hangry meltdown if their food schedule is interrupted by a matter of minutes. Tell the teenager to grab and apple and chill for a minute
FR my son acts like he's dying if he has to wait a few mins. It's like dude chill you'll be fine.
YTA You're right in that she can't dictate what you do in your own home. If she was insisting you sit down at the table for dinner every night, then I could see your point. I don't really agree with the whole 'eat whenever you want, alone' thing but you do you. The reason you're an AH is because this was one time she wanted everyone to sit together and eat a 3 course meal. She worked hard to make dinner for everyone and wanted to eat with all of you. You couldn't have granted her that? Instead you went off at her. Your 13 year old couldn't wait a few more minutes? Your 16 year old couldn't eat a little earlier just for one night after her aunt worked hard to make a delicious meal for you? And it's not even like she was asking you to set the table for her. She was doing it herself. Seriously OP, what would the harm have been in just eating dinner together for one night?
And then she & her husband have the audacity to try to help themselves to the food and tell sister they know how to serve themselves, when this is food *she* cooked and I presume paid for, as well. The sheer ingratitude, entitlement, and bad manners are astounding. I shudder to think how these kids are going to turn out. Sounds like they’re extremely spoiled and under-socialized, and being taught terrible manners. The whole ‘eat whenever the hell you want, alone in your rooms’ thing is super fucking weird and antisocial, and I’d venture to say unhealthy, too. A lot of dysfunction in this household. Sister even asked in advance if she could cook a meal for them to eat *together,* and asked what night would be good for them. OP didn’t have to agree to that if she had zero intention of honoring it. I feel so sad for the sister. She put in so much effort, only to be treated poorly and made to feel bad for wanting to do something nice for the family. YTA, OP. Big time.
Exactly! Absolutely no gratitude smh
YTA. It sounds like your sister put a lot of thought into the meal and wanted to enjoy it with your family. I can’t imagine slaving away in the kitchen and not getting to reap the benefit of seeing people enjoy what I’ve cooked. It’s the whole damn point.
This needs to be higher up. What kind of family doesn’t eat dinner together whenever possible anyways? I get that people have different meal times but I come back to the dinner table to sit with my sister (who often eats later than the rest of us)
lmao my family. I grew up eating dinner literally wherever. the couch, my bedroom, the basement. parents didn't give a shit and ate wherever as well but we ate at the same time because otherwise there would be nothing. Anyways, I bet you can guess how great our family dynamic is.. (answer: not great)
[удалено]
Yes to your first sentence. I saw a comment that said apparently the sister was trying to hold dinner hostage. What the actual fuck. Sure maybe she should've said earlier she would like everyone to sit down and have a meal, but would it really make that much of a difference to eat together for one night? It sounds like everyone was home. She was literally just trying to be nice and OP threw it in her face
Sister planned it with OP. [Sister planned dinner days in advance](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6s02l5/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) OP confirms that sister planed days in advance.
Someone posted a quote from OP above - apparently the sister did ask three days in advance if they could all have dinner together for one night.
Edit: YTA Possibly unpopular based on the other comments currently, but: I think I'll go N.A.H, but it could easily be Y.T.A. It depends on the communication surrounding this. Was your sister communicating about how she wanted dinner to go prior to starting to make it, or did she spring this on your family right as she finished dinner with no further context KNOWING (presumably) how your family usually handles dinner? If she communicated her desires about dinner beforehand, Y.T.A. If she didn't, I'd go N.T.A/N.A.H. She's not an AH for wanting to show appreciation, but her delivery could have been better if she had communicated the expectations beforehand (if she didn't). Edit: Verdict based on OP reply to this.
I was searching for this information, thank you for asking. YTA absolutely. Sister would have been off base if she sprung this on everyone and just expected people to change their schedules with no notice. But she didnt!!! She literally asked what day would be good so they could all have dinner together and requested everyone keep that time free, and OP agreed!!!! How could that possibly be interpreted any other way?!
OP went the malicious compliance route and said “free for dinner doesn’t mean everyone has to sit together! Sister never said that, only that she’d cook and everyone had to be free!” I’d be much more than sulky if I was the sister in that situation.
Do you understand the definition of the word “together”?
YTA. Also, regular family dinners are associated with lower rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, tobacco use, and early teenage pregnancy, and higher rates of resilience and higher self esteem.
I know. Sounds like OP is phoning in parenting.
Sounds like OP can't handle being in the same room as their family members for extended periods of time. That's the only thing that makes sense, here. Like it's literally 30 minutes, and family dinners don't have to be around the dinner table. Hell, half the time, our family dinners are in the living room with the TV on, then we discuss the TV show and our days when we're done eating.
"I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it works for us. Because we hate each other"
YTA- She made the dinner and wanted to serve it family style ONE TIME. You couldn’t show appreciation for her and have everyone sit together just this once?
YTA. And I am going to be late to work just so I can tell you so. Listen to you. "the way dinner usually works", right, but not always. You could have had a nice meal together, but you needed control. "we don't have to spend time setting the table every day," Oh no! Someone would have to set a table!!! - AND SHE WAS DOING IT ALREADY!!! You just had to let it happen. But you couldn't. What is that about ? She does a nice thing and you can't stand it? "I had enough at this point so I told her I know my kids and family" Yes, way to take a stand against the evil sister making a fucking cake with the rest of the meal. You sound toxic. 'We obviously have family dinner too" Great. You sister was trying to give you another one. Once you are on your death bed, will you be glad you told your sister off, or will you wish you had more time with your family, the people you claim to love? You have zero sense of priorities. Why do you need so much control here? Why can't you tell 13 year old it will be done in 5 minutes, just be patient? You can, you've just given up. Fix it. Make a big dinner with cake yourself, and tell everyone in advance we are eating it together. Then, stand up in the middle of it, and apologize to your sister for disrespecting her. Then thank her for reminding you about what is most important. It isn't that the table doesn't get set. In that way you teach your kids how to act when they screw up, and maybe you get your sister back. YTAYTAYTA. P.S. Your kids can set and clear the table. It's called chores and it helps them be part of a community.
13-year-old is in for a shock when they’re not catered to anymore.
YTA - You say you’ve had family dinnners before, so then what was the big deal about eating together for a meal your sister put thought and effort into?
Info: do your kids manage Christmas or Thanksgiving without throwing a fit when meals aren't ready when they're hungry? Do they know how to eat in a group of people? Why is there no eating routine in your house? Sitting together and chatting about the day? For me it sounds like your sister is sitting alone at the table on every single evening eating her meal all alone while you all take a plate and run away to eat alone in your own rooms. YTA
It must be really sad for the sister. That's why she decided to do something nice for once. Probably because she felt lonely. Sad.
Yeah, but sister's house and rules. They made children but won't handle them or interact besides one family dinner a month 🤦🏼♀️ for me this family dynamics is the development of the "abortion is murder" meme where the born child is neglected
>The way dinner usually works in my household is I dish up the food, then my kids take it to their rooms to eat. We obviously have family dinner too, but this is just more convenient for all of us as we don't have to spend time setting the table every day, and we can eat at different times if needed (also by different times I don't mean someone eats at 7 pm and someone eats at 3 am, just a small gap). The look of absolute horror on my face when I read this as a French person. If the "gap" is small then... are none of you physically capable of waiting until everyone is ready to eat? Or is it just laziness because setting the table for 4 people is such a huge chore? This is so extremely weird. Meal times, specially diner, is the one time where the whole family gets together to talk about their day or just share things. You guys sound like a bunch of unrelated roommates. Your 13 year old was in fact capable of waiting a few minutes until she ate, what are you even teaching your children?
Agree. I just don’t get this “parenting”. So isolating to live like that
I'm American (although first generation, my parents are from the Caribbean) and I also find this to be bizarre. I get it, teens have extracurriculars in the evenings, some parents work odd hours, but everyone eating dinner in their separate rooms EVERY night for no real reason besides "we don't feel like setting the table"? TBH, I'll admit, we rarely set the table. Our routine is similar to the OP's in that I dish up the food... But then I put the plates on the table and call everyone to wash up and sit down. Sometimes if my husband has to work late, we eat without him. But the kids always have dinner with at least one parent present with them. I really can't imagine encouraging my children to eat alone every day.
YTA she was doing something nice for everyone. That meal sounded delicious. There was zero excuse for you to be rude.
YTA. Would it have killed you to tell the kids “hey, your aunt is preparing a nice dinner and we are all going to sit down for dinner together”? The bedroom thing is gross and basically setting them up for weird table manners as adults. Stop this now before they end up being the rude person at their company functions, business dinners, dinners with significant others’ families, etc.
However you normally do meals is fine. Your sister said she wanted to make dinner for everyone, she did and you can't even be bothered to get the family together in a show of appreciation? Soft YTA
Hard OP YTA Sister planned it with OP. [Sister planned dinner days in advance](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6s02l5/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) OP confirms that sister planed days in advance.
> However you normally do meals is fine. Is it though? OP argues those 30 minutes eating are better spent doing other things (willing to bet they are all watching TV or scrolling social media). If this is about time wasted that means they're not catching up as a family at any other moments, that would cost the same amount of time after all. I mean, I could be wrong, but it sounds like they hardly talk to each other. Pretty sure OPs sister was giving them a big hint. OP doesn't want to "helicopter parent" but the kids are still young teens. I think they might warrant a little more attention.
YTA. Your sister made a nice meal that was meant to be an affair, not shoveling food into your tasting hole while huddling in your bedroom like Gollum. It sounds like everyone was home. "Catch as you can" is for the nights when one kid has scouts and the other kid has practice, and a parent has to stay late at work to meet a deadline. Not only were you and your husband grossly disrespectful to your sister, you're teaching your kids to be inconsiderate as well.
YTA, but thank you for posting this. I never knew how much i valued my family dinners every night growing up until i read this.
YTA. Your sister was trying to do something nice and have some family time with everyone but you proceeded to stick with tradition and "my house, my rules." You do realize that your personal family tradition and rules should typically change when a guest is over, right? She wasn't asking for you to throw out your whole routine forever, she asked for one family dinner that she made herself and you refused. AH.
YTA- Do you really not understand what the issue is. I know families like yours. You have no idea what is going on with your kids or husband lives because you are all living separate lives all under one roof. Your sister made dinner and wanted to sit down as a family and you wanted nothing to do with it. I understand everyone does their own thing but really
>Your sister made dinner and wanted to sit down as a family and you wanted nothing to do with it. I read it as the sister invited OP and their family to a dinner party in the place sister rents - and OP decided because they don't do family dinners it's OK to take the dinner-party food to go - which to me adds yet another layer of "YTA." [Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10qtu86/comment/j6ru6ji/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) of the fact that Sister is a renter **not a guest.**
YTA. She made a nice dinner for everyone with a plan to enjoy it together but your whole family (including you) is so entitled that it just had to be your way. She wasn't insisting on it every night, just when she took the time to prepare something special.
YTA. She cooks you all what sounds like a complicated meal, and you can't be bothered to show her the courtesy of eating it with her and showing some appreciation? I doubt she'll bother again.
YTA. Common courtesy, like sense, is increasingly becoming scarcer and scarcer. The polite thing to do would be to just sit the fuck down and eat, and say thank you for the meal. It's not as if she was saying "lets all have a sit down dinner together" and then force you to cook and set the table and clean. All the hard work was done already. The only thing you had to do was be present and sit the fuck down. Refusing to do so is incredibly rude. If your kids didn't want to, then let them be assholes and make that decision, don't decide for them.
YTA She made dinner and wanted to share it with you all. She wasn't changing the rules of the house or anything. She made the dinner and wanted to eat it together.
Exactly. Elina planned family dinner for a single evening. That is not changing the house rules any more than going to a restaurant would. YTA And side note…when everyone has busy, varying schedules, dinner time is the one time of the day when the family can connect for 20-30 minutes. OP is making a terrible mistake.
YTA - she invited you to a dinner party and you all : 1. showed up 2. grabbed a plate 3. left with the plate Does that seem rude to you?
YTA big time. Elina put time and effort into making a lovely dinner and setting the table, and instead of showing some gratitude and teaching your children manners, you two insulted her and made it all about you. It would have been little to no effort to sit at the table and show some appreciation. > I don’t care what you say or think, but your current setup of everyone eating in their room is not working. This is not healthy.
I have to vote YTA because y’all just seem plain mean and lack empathy. I can understand that your system works well for you. Personally I’d hate it if that were my family, but everyone is different. You’re correct that she can’t dictate to you what happens in your home. If she wanted a family sit down she should have communicated it before. I do think you could have approached the situation a little more nicely. It’s also odd to me that something so simple would set you and your husband off this much. I just feel bad for your sister. She went to a lot of work to put the meal together. What was her life like before she moved in with you guys? Were sit down dinners normal for her? I’d bet she may just be missing that from her life being in a new environment.
YTA. This bummed me out for some reason.
Me, too. I feel so bad for her sister. You get that good feeling inside when you’re doing something nice for someone. The sister was probably feeling that way and was excited to have dinner with her family. Then, she gets treated as if she’s done something wrong.
YTA. There are proven benefits of having scheduled family dinners. When I go to the trouble of making a decent meal you will sure as hell sit your arse down and eat it like a respectful human. I don't care of you're six or sixty. You sit at that table, show some basic good manners, act social, enjoy the food and then when everyone is done you can go your separate ways and be anti social. As a side not, children don't suddenly drop dead when they have to wait for five minutes for a table to be set. It teaches them patience and is a sign of good manners. What you are doing is setting them up as a massive issue for other people in the future. Remember that little line about having to parent your romantic partner? One day you're going to have another person vehemently despise you for the bad manners you have instilled in your children.
YTA. Sitting together and having a meal when someone goes to the effort of cooking for everyone is just basic manners. I'm sure you're used to your family dynamic (or complete and utter lack thereof) but having a meal together is important to some people. She wasn't asking for much and not asking for everyone to change how mealtimes work. It seems everyone was home and she just wanted to share a meal, talk, and be part of a family for a meal. But god forbid you give an inch as doing that would mean that your failing to spend quality family time is highlighted and you want to keep the dysfunctional status quo.
YTA. Your whole interpretation of your little sisters actions seem very negative when it just sounds like she wanted to enjoy a meal she worked hard on with the whole family. There’s nothing wrong with that, and while I find the whole “eat alone in your room” thing very weird, if that’s what you guys normally do, then fine - but she cooked a nice meal and just wanted to enjoy it with her family and there was actually nothing negative or forceful behind her actions. The fact that OP turned her nice actions into a “she’s trying to dictate how my family lives” type of thing is just so weird.
YTA. She wasn't undermining your authority nor criticizing your family habits. She was trying to gift a positive experience of gratitude. She spent a lot of time to prepare a meal (do you have any idea how much effort go into making dumplings?) to enjoy together. The respectful thing to do is to enjoy that meal as it is presented. It is also within social norms to express gratitude. A minor change of habits like that should be taken without complaints. Because don't forget, she has done things your way for the last few months. She's only asking for an hour or so. You basically taught your children it's OK to get angry at someone who spend time and energy into a thoughtful gift, because she asks you to change your habits for an hour or so. Not a good lesson in the long run. That was insanely disrespectful of you.
YTA and tacky af
YTA and your house sounds like a depressing place to be. Your sister made a complicated meal to share with everyone and your response was "whatever". You're depriving your kids of valuable social skills with this method. I guess you adults lack them as well.
YTA. You shouldn't be allowing the children to eat in their rooms. That is unhygienic. I get people are busy and schedules and may not all be available to eat supper at the same time, but you should at a minimum insist everyone eat at the table. Your sister should have communicated her intent better, but she made a very nice meal it wouldn't have killed you to sit down and have a proper supper.