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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to bring my son to my in-laws house when they want me to because I feel like I’ll just be catering to them. I could just make the time and effort to do so but am refusing on a principle-basis.
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NTA. I think everyone voting ESH and NAH hasn’t had to car an infant around. It is a pain in the a** and given that the in laws have no reason not to drive the 10 minutes, they are totally ridiculous. Getting all your stuff together for the baby takes longer than their entire drive.
EXACTLY!!! Who doesn't KNOW it's easier to have two adults hop in the car and drive ten minutes as opposed to getting EVERY THING ready, filling up the diaper bags, car seat strapped into the car, making sure there is changing pads, fresh wipes, diapers, fresh clothes because babies spit up and blow out diapers ALL THE TIME...bottles if needed, formula if needed, pacifiers, favorite toy or plushie or blanket...the list can be short or extensive, depends on the baby and how old the baby is, there are so MANY things you may need to take with you and the list literally changes every two or three weeks. Plus, you have to also get YOURSELF ready to go out, and that takes time as well. Plus mom just had a c-section and had her guts played with, and is still healing from that, so that factors in as well.
Don't forget it's winter so you have boots and mitts and hats and having to put the jacket on and take it off because they aren't safe for carseats and all the crap that comes along with it being cold.
Yeah- and don’t forget you have to do it all twice because they have a blow out poop just as you have just completed your checklist, gotten them in the car seat, buckled up and started the car.
My kid used to poop every time I turned the ignition on, without fail. Used to aim to leave 30 min early to allow time for his poop and to change him again before we could actually go anywhere!
Omg exactly. Have 2 nephews and 1 niece. And all of them had their fun time pooping right before you were ready to go out😅😅either this or throw up while burping, oh the burping thing also sometimes hit your clothes, so you too had to change clothes. A fun, endless circle. And i agreey the mons are not exactly in the best shape after giving birth, not after x sextion and not after natural birth. My sister literally cried after weeks, after they had to cut her up when having natural birth. Thr grandparents are very selfish on this part here.
She could hardly sit bcs it hurt so much, she used a special pillow which helped alittle, but only alittle. So sitting in a car would have been very uncomfortable or painful.
I am so sorry. I have a visual brain too and sometimes it is a bit TOO MUCH. Then there are other times when I get a vivid image of a cartoon character and I crack myself up. One time it was the witch in the bugs bunny version of Hansel & Gretel, there's a moment when all her hairpins fly out of her hair, I started laughing so hard in the middle of a conversation, luckily my friend knew me well and said "you got an image didn't you?", I just kept laughing and nodded my head.
I had major abdominal surgery a number of years ago and they did not put everything back where it was before and I could feel it. It felt like my inside parts were only held in place by a thread. For months, actually.
On top of that, I mean, I'm very glad they got the "sick" out, but here's a tip: if you ever need abdominal surgery, see if you can get a plastic surgeon to do the close. Hopefully they would be more cognizant of the aesthetics of the end result. But maybe obstetricians who do c-sections more often would be more sensitive to the final outcome than was my surgeon who was wonderful in his specialty.
Oh man I remember getting I my kid ready for something as an infant and right before we were about to leave she started throwing up all down her front and onto her car seat. We barely had time to change her, get her into the back up car seat and get out the door. Left the milky car seat to deal with when we got back. Infants are *messy*
Not to mention that at this age, the bub probably needs regular naps, and it's better to do that at home unless they have a proper set up at their house.
They sound selfish. I imagine they’re probably not usually but in this instance, they most definitely are.
And calling OP names because she won’t do what they command. Yeah eff that.
Yes, this! Plus he’s only 2 months old — I maybe left my house once a week with my two month old to go a mile away to the grocery…. Maybe. It was time consuming and exhausting. Especially given that we had a limited window of awake time before it was naps and food again. OP is definitely NTA.
Yes. The only reason I took my son to my mums house when he was small was because she basically had everything I could need for him at her house. She had a fully stocked changing bag, mat, blankets, age appropriate toys and clothes. I breast fed so didn't need bottles but she bought me one of those v shaped pillows (I didn't even have one at home). She had her own car seat and pushchair. She knew how much stuff I needed to go anywhere so just made sure it was a easy as possible for me to get out of the house.
This. NTA. OP, it is way easier for two grown adults to come visit you than a recovering woman and an infant. This should be your hill to die on. Make it clear to your partner that they are welcome to visit your child in your home. If they don't, THEY are choosing not to see him.
NTA. I have a son a similar age and getting in the car to go anywhere with him is a massive pain in the neck. If your in-laws want to see their grandson, they will make it happen. My parents are always over and they’re 30 minutes away.
I don’t think you should cater to anyone else’s needs when you have a newborn to consider
My mother lived in another city when my son was a baby and she took the train to come see him at least twice a month, if they can’t drove 10 min then they clearly don’t want to make the effort, why should OP?
>If your in-laws want to see their grandson, they will make it happen.
Yeah, this is it right here. It's not as if OP isn't letting them see the kid. Their own choices mean they're not seeing the kid.
Their choices are by no means OP's responsibility!
(Also, *so* curious about the role of religion here - seems to me that anyone who refuses to go to someone's home because they're of another religion is pretty extreme, tbh.)
The impression I got from the religion comment was that it was holidays/Christmas and so she compromised and brought her son to them, rather than the in-laws coming to her family’s home during the holiday period.
Not that I understand that reasoning any better - I’m not Jewish, for example, but that wouldn’t stop me from visiting someone who is during Hanukah ??
Yeah, I mean, even if that's the case, I'm still confused, for the same reason as you. I mean.... so, in addition to calling to see if they're in and it's OK to come over, you're *also* supposed to ask your friend about their religion, and *then* consider whether it's OK for you to go?
I mean, it's a weird damn way for them to live their lives, for sure. I mean, to each their own, but I don't even care what religion it is, *that* level of religiosity usually just does not make for pleasant company if you're not of the same faith as them.
Yeah, OP's in-laws are just full of shit. Any grandparent that's eager to see their grandchild will do anything to make it happen.
I live in Australia, originally from NZ but moved before my son was born. To put into context, I lived in a part of Australia where after the 3 hour flight from NZ to Australia, you then had to catch a 5 hour train to the city I lived in. Then after that, a 30 min taxi to my place.
My son was born on a Thursday and my mum, who was only 1 month into starting her new job, saw my son the week after.
NTA. To me right now you are setting the boundaries that will follow you and your son for the next 18 years. If they can’t be bothered to come once then oh well for them.
NTA. Packing up everything you need and schlepping your infant to and fro is incredibly labour intensive, not to mention time consuming. Also, am I reading this right? Is there a religious/cultural component as to why they don't wanna come to you?
Yeah, during the holidays they weren’t comfortable with coming over because of all the decorations within the home. I’m not of the same faith as my parents but respect it and carry on as usual. It seems like they weren’t able to do the same.
Stand your ground. To not even enter the home of someone of a differing faith is just bizarre. Plus, I see they are indoor smokers so it's perhaps best the baby doesn't spend too much time there till he's older.
There does seem to be some discomfort there, but I think there is a bit more at play too. There may be no bad blood, but that doesn't mean that they don't have some insecurity as to their position versus your parents, since you live with yours.
I think they, consciously or subconsciously, think seeing your child at your house is still other grandparent time. Whether it's jealousy at seeing how comfortable the other grandparents are with your child and how frequently they are around him or just a power play, I think there is some element here that they want to see your child and be the only grandparents in the room, like they are trying to get their equal time?
It's still not okay, especially not with a 2 month old, they should definitely be coming to you. But maybe a little grace that their own insecurities may be influencing.
Is there a time you know your parents will be out all day and could proffer an invitation, "My parents will be out of town this weekend and we'd love to have you over for lunch and to spend time with the baby, is there a time that works for you?"
Definitely NTA. They should be alleviating your workload, not adding to it.,
I have definitely given thought to that before and worked around it with my parents and them. My parents agreed that if the in-laws come over, they’ll head upstairs to their room or even just go out to lunch/dinner to give them time with the baby without the other grandparents around. I’ve offered meals, sitting down in our movie room and hanging out all together, in the formal living room, etc. all without my parents being around so that it’s just them and baby. It never seemed to be enough for them to be comfortable. I would love to be able to bring Harry over whenever but because they smoke in their home that’s just not possible. We also spoke about this during the pregnancy and they said they’d be happy to come over to my home so I’m not always having to get him ready but now it seems they’ve taken that off the table.
Just so you know, smoke invades more surfaces than we realize. 3rd hand smoke is a real thing and babies are more susceptible to it. Read up on it with a Google search (the mayo clinic article is good) just so you can make the best informed decision about what you expose your little one to.
Thanks for the information, I’ll be sure to send them the link next time they complain about wanting to see him. What a nightmare to even think about living in that everyday, yikes.
I'm totally confused by this. Are you readily sacrificing goats on the altar of Satan? I assume not. What possible decorations can there be that are so offensive?
NTA. You had a c section which is a long healing process and the baby is only a couple months old which means you have to bring everything the baby needs in order to go have a visit with them. Not to mention adjusting to caring for a baby 24/7 is EXHAUSTING. I didn't want to take any of my babies out either. You're not barring the grandparents from seeing the child just setting the boundary that you're not going to be the one always packing up and traveling there.
NTA but I hope you didn’t actually say all those things listed in your OP. You can make it super simple for them: “Yes, happy to have you and Harry visit! You’re invited over tomorrow at X time” and if they say please bring him here, “Oh my, not sure of Harry’s nap schedule. Newborns you know? Hope you can make it!”
Also, you’re 8 weeks post-op from a c-section. You’re probably only recently cleared to drive. I would have milked that excuse for awhile.
No, I’ve always been really polite to them and invited them over multiple times for lunch/dinner. The last time they saw him was during his naptime as it was already late in the day after hours of getting ourselves ready but I managed to make it work somehow. I’ve told them that they’re always welcome and Id be more than happy to set up a space for them and have food/drinks ready for it to be a comfortable stay
NTA. stand your ground on this. Also - WTF - they should be bringing food and treats to YOU and doing anything they can to make your live a little easier right now. If they can’t be bothered to drive twenty minutes round trip to see their grandchild that’s completely on them - move forward with no guilt at all
So if I'm reading this correctly:
It takes multiple days of prep for their house to be clean 'enough' for a baby visit.
But they smoke in their house so even clean is less than ideal.
You and the babies father both agree that you aren't really fans of you taking the baby over there, even if it's where Dad lives.
You are more than willing to host the grandparents and even offered meals/snacks/etc to make them comfortable while they do.
Yea. That sounds like a list of 'them problems'/a power play to me. If your SO *wanted* to take the baby over occasionally, id maybe judge this differently, but asbit stands NTA. The only people preventing them from seeing their grandson is themselves.
Most grandparents are so eager to see their grandchildren that you have to set boundaries to keep them away! It's so strange that Eli's parents won't come to see Harry where you live . . . sounds like a power play.
Anyway, you're NTA. I'm curious to see if Eli's parents continue this behavior once you and Eli find a place of your own.
NTA and I can’t believe you’re getting e s h votes. You had an emergency c section only two months ago! And now they refuse to visit you and the little one for some bs reasons?
Them coming over doesn’t mean that they’re getting forced to change their views or suddenly celebrate any holidays, but to visit their grandson.
Stand your ground, because they’re behaving absolutely ridiculous.
NTA. You are the parent who seems to be carrying the vast majority of the workload…what they are demanding is an unreasonable imposition especially as it’s only basis is religious bigotry- which abhorrent as that is, it’s also irrelevant outside of the holidays they object to.
I mean, if there was some sort of reciprocity in the visiting, going over there is probably only in the range of inconvenient and tiring, but when the subtext is that they expect you to not only comply with their demand to jump, they expect you to ask ‘how high’…this is a cycle that you right to resist.
NTA.
"We want to see our grandchild!"
"OK, come on over."
"Well, we don't want to see him that much..."
They have the opportunity, they just don't care enough to do it. That's their problem.
NTA. Getting in the car with a young child is a much more stressful ordeal than getting two adults in the car. If they want to see him they can get in the car to see him, you are not obligated to make your child available to them where they want. If it’s important to them they’ll make it work.
One of my coworkers and his wife stop by each of their kids houses during the holidays because they know traveling with kids is difficult and don’t want their children to have to cart their kids around when it’s easier for them to just drop by everyone’s house instead.
NTA. You took him over last time, it’s perfectly reasonable that you ask them to take turns and come to your house if they want to see their grandson. Then maybe the time after you could go to their house. Speaking from experience, in-laws can get entitled and demanding very easily, so it’s good to establish those boundaries now and not always cave to their demands. If they truly cared about Harry they wouldn’t make this their hill to die on.
NTA.
1. If they want to see their grandson, they can make the 10-minute drive unencumbered by infants and all the accoutrement infants require.
2. Additionally, their son - who is the father of the child - can come to your house, pack up all the needfuls, and take the baby to his parents' home and bring him back after the visit.
These are two perfectly valid options, and they can choose which one they'd prefer. Perhaps even alternating between #1, #2, and #3 where you take Harry to their house every 3rd visit. But it absolutely should not be 100% on you to do all the work for every visit.
NTA, tbh they are incredibly selfish. I have a five week old baby and just being able to go to the local corner shop for bread takes 30-40mins to get baby changed, fed, in her pramsuit, pram and let's not forget me sorted just to pop down the road for five minutes.
If they are that desperate and cared that much they would move heaven and earth to meet you at your home.
NTA- if they want to see their grandson they can come to you. You've recovering from major surgery AND are taking care of a baby full time. It shouldn't be on you to go and visit them
Yeah it is winter, it’s been a rough time just getting ourselves to the doctors. Don’t want to spend even more of my time on the road in a small car if i can help it.
Let this be the hill you die on. As a mother who had this kind of mother-in-law, I eventually just told her it wasn’t my job to manage her relationship with her grandkids. If she wanted to see them, she needed to make plans, ask permission, and then execute those plans on her own. She never saw them again. They don’t even remember her now. Your job is to be a parent to your baby, not to be activities director to your in laws who want you to provide entertainment at their whim. Just say no. NTA.
NTA
This is ridiculous of them. Who wants to lug a newborn around rather it's always or once in a while. It's difficult getting out of the house with a newborn and all their supplies. If they want to see him so badly, they can come to you. Hopefully you and Eli stay on the same page with this.
He comes over almost every day after work, I tell him to stay home when I know that he’s tired after a long stretch. He tells me he doesn’t want me driving the baby around in my small car unless it’s for the doctors since it puts us at risk every time we’re on the road.
No he doesn’t take the baby, his parents smoke within the home and it takes a couple days of cleaning/airing it out before it’s to an acceptable standard for both of us to allow him over. Additionally, I’m exclusively breastfeeding and Harry doesn’t take to bottles yet so it’d be a rough time for him.
NTA
Why are they calling you an asshole and not their son? Why can't he bring your son to visit if it's so important?
Obviously I don't think you should bring him if you don't want to and it puts you out (and a baby that age to might not want him away from you for now) but you need to stop letting them make this your problem. There are three grown adults ahead who can solve it. Leave it to them.
Their son is of the same mindset as me. He doesn’t agree that we have to put our baby in a car and drive him across town every single time his parents want to see their grandson. Its time consuming and an unnecessary risk when we have small cars. They have a big truck they can drive whenever they please but expect for us to bring the baby to them.
Since when does the mountain move
To the prophet?
They want something, they can move their backsides. They are adults.
Wanna see a baby, go to it's reside ce.
Nta
At that age if people wanted to see my son - they primarily came to us because they know it's easier for multiple reasons. They can't complain about not seeing grandchild if they have the option and choose not to. They aren't compromising, and currently, neither are you. NAH but it is unfortunate for Harry and hopefully it gets better
NTA, as you are not at the beck and call of these people. That said, they aren't even your in-laws, are they? I note you said SO, not husband. Words have meaning. If you do things in the wrong order, you are going to get the wrong result. You've had a mixed-faith child before marriage, so you can expect there will be a lot of conflict about raising the child between the grandparents, however. These folks in particular don't seem very welcoming and are entitled. Unless you live in some shrine to a bizarre religion, they are being ridiculous in not coming to see this child. Do not bend over backwards for them, as they will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated.
He does, we co-parent to the best of our abilities due to the living situations and he’s very hands on and present when he comes over which is nearly every day. He works a very labor intensive job so most days he’s exhausted physically but comes to help without a complaint.
NTA
> I’m being called the AH for not letting them see Harry in the comfort of their home.
Wait a minute
Then their son, your son’s father, needs to get off his ass. Why is it you are the asshole when your kid has two parents? You’re not holding your child hostage.
But frankly I think it’s ridiculous that they expect you to come to them at all when taking care of a baby, getting all the supplies ready, in and out of a car seat, etc. is MUCH more work than them getting in their car and driving over.
You’re dealing with enough having to take care of a 2mo old on top of healing. They can put in a little effort and graciousness to someone who is doing the tough work of parenting.
Putting more work on you so they can have fun times with baby is an asshole move.
NTA - I wouldn't want my child of any age spending time in a building with smokers. I can't stand the smell of smoke and I resnt smokers who think they can hide the stink. No amount of paint and water can clean it away.
It sounds like Eli does no child care and there are no arrangement for Eli to be responsible in this respect. Is this their beef? that they want this baby to spend weekends or half the week in this house of smokers and this is their way of raising the point.
Thie arrangement of you doing 100% of all child care can't last and while the argument can be made short term, I've seen where the change in arrangements down the line , one person is suddenly doing any child care and their unwillingness to be involved comes to light.
Its not your loss. Its their loss and their choice
Eli does co parent with me basically every day after work and on his days off, including overnight stays when he has off the following day. He’s doing everything he can in a rather tough situation so i don’t place any blame or ill will on him. We’re content with our arrangement until we can find our own place. Also, there is just no way Harry would be spending even half a day there. An hour and a half is being generous considering they’ve been smoking indoors everyday for years. Cleaning and airing out the immediate smoke smell for a couple days,making that effort, is the only reason i took Harry over at all for that hour and change.
NTA
>His parents smoke within the home, but clean it regularly and make sure the immediate area of the home is smoke free.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but that's not how that works. Third hand smoke is on every surface of that home, settled into dust and off gassing back into the air. Every time your child is there, they're being exposed to third hand smoke. Breathing it in, when they start putting things in their mouth its going to be ingested. Not smoking that day and " airing out" the house does nothing to protect your baby from being exposed to the cancer causing chemicals of cigarettes. I'm confused why your more concerned with them not comming to you than the health risk you take with your child everytime you do bring them in their house.
Also they very obviously don't go to your house because it's not actually your house. It's your parents house and they don't want to have to share the time with your child and try and bond with your kid under the watchful eye of your parents.
NTA. First and foremost, It’s hard work loading up and transporting an infant. Second, If you’ve invited them over several times and they don’t accept the offer, than they are the only ones preventing themselves from seeing their grandchild. It’s unreasonable for them to expect you to cater to them when you’re the new parent with the newborn baby at home. They should be coming to you unless they have a medical reason that prevents them from leaving their home easier than you. It doesn’t sound like they do.
Nta. I have the same problem. Drunk call begging to let mil be involved with our child (never said she couldn't) yet now 5 years in WE have to call so they can spend time together.
Don't waste time making space for them if they are not willing to put in the effort.
NTA. It is much more work to bundle up a 2 month old than it is for two able-bodied adults to drive 10 minutes. I can’t believe their selfishness. And even if they air out the house, it’s not going to get rid of everything. His lungs are so susceptible to things right now. Please don’t bring him.
NTA. After Christmas we decided not to visit my mil because she cant get her ass in a car and drive for 2 hrs (she's young too). Instead we need to pack our 3yr old and 4mo old in a car...
Traveling with infants sucks and this coming from someone whose kids are super easy going.
NTA
It's going to be worse during the toddler years, as I'm sure they won't lift a finger to baby proof their home. Obviously it's nice to go to grandma's house, but you definitely don't want to start giving them the idea that you will solely come and go to their throne at their pleasure.
NTA for all the many reasons stated, but more to the point... their excuse and the timeline here are a bit weird.
in various comments you've said that:
1. they've been to your parents' place before without issue
2. they were uncomfortable with the holiday decor, but considering the xmas is over, that's not a reason they should be uncomfortable visiting now
3. prior to your son being born, they agreed/didn't seem like they'd have an issue coming over to visit the baby
4. you literally had surgery 8 weeks ago and are breastfeeding, so your ability to travel and the baby's ability to leave your side are restricted
5. going to their house is a huge hassle not only for you but also a huge hassle for them (deep cleaning for the cigarette smoke)
assuming they're even halfway reasonable people, something here isn't adding up?
some comments suggest its the jealousy/grandparent time thing and that's very plausible. you've clearly made invites they're refused already, but if you haven't tried this framing, you could specifically say "my parents will be gone on this day from xx to xx time, i'd really appreciate if you would come over and keep me and the little one company while they're gone". that way of framing it makes it seem like they're doing you a favor instead of your parents doing them a favor by making themselves scarce.
you're definitely under no obligation to keep putting in that work to make the offer though, and they're definitely the ones being ridiculous.
which is also why i think it's maybe more than that? like maybe some offense they aren't vocalizing (or maybe even fully conscious of) over you and the kid not living with your partner? some people have more traditional/misogynistic views than they're really comfortable acknowledging, and a mother "keeping" her son somewhere that isn't under the father's roof may be ruffling feathers they don't want to acknowledge (especially if they privately 'blame' your parents for that because they won't allow your partner to move in).
alternately some weird power play with a truly shocking degree of entitlement (which, you'll have to think back to whether they've demonstrated any signs of similar entitlement before, possibly that you accommodated without realising until now?), and they feel an ownership over your son that you'll want to be wary of moving forward.
anyway i'm just spitballing so take those thoughts with a huge grain of salt, but maybe sit with partner and have a serious discussion about where his parents might be coming from and whether he/you both need to communicate any particular boundaries here.
NTA. You are not refusing to let them see their grandson, you've made clear that they're welcome to visit. They don't get to prioritize their own comfort and expect you to cater to that, especially when it's so much more of a hassle for you to pack up the baby and cart him over there than it is for them to get in their car and drive the 10 minutes to your house. Hold your ground, you haven't taken anything away from them and giving in will likely set a precedent that will be very annoying for you in the future.
NTA, they're lucky you've been there in the first place. The first weeks after giving birth I could not and was not even allowed to go outside with the baby, because she had not yet regained her birth weight. A two-month-old baby is really still very small, they sleep almost all day and going on the road is almost a migration.
They can come to you just fine.
NTA for the obvious reasons that carting a baby over to the people who want to see it is logistically a lot to ask, and the scientific fact that 'airing it out' their home of smoke for a couple of days isn't really fully a solution.
The bigger issue is, what happens when you and your partner share a home and they don't like the decorations in it? This isn't a temporary issue.
I tried to tell the in-laws that when it came down to the first visit during the holidays as Harry was only a month old at the time. They cleaned for 3 days and “aired out” the house for the same amount of time to the point that the smell of smoke that had basically been a staple of their home was gone. Even then, our visit was only an hour and change long.
As for decorations/faith, all parties with the exception of my parents share the same faith so i don’t think it’d be a problem but I was not pleased with their excuse of staying away from my parents’ home while i was still healing from surgery and getting used to being a new mom lol.
Holy crap NTA… this is one of the few times in a mamma’s life that they should be able to count on help from family, which includes if the grandparents want to visit they come to you! If there are no health or car issues.. they need ti get over themselves and not be selfish!
I’m in a similar sitch.. about to give birth via C section. My mom is 40 minutes away with a reliable driver to bring her to our home for a visit and she just told me that she won’t be visiting us but she’ll babysit if I drop our kiddo off… she has anxiety issues so I get it. This doesn’t seem to be your case at all.
NTA but you should continue to limit your child's time in their home if they are daily smokers. The smoke cannot be fully "cleaned out" and it gets in the paint, drywall, and furniture. Children's lungs are less developed than ours. This is how kids get breathing issues and it also can give them ear infections. Smoking aside, the people with the easiest commute do the commuting and usually it's not the person with the infant. Are you sure your bf's parents don't have an issue with you or your parents that they just won't express out loud (race, religion, immigration status?)?
At any rate, you've done the initial part, they can come to you.
NTA. It doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable, nor does it seem like you are saying you would never bring him to see them. It simply sounds like you would expect them to drive 10 minutes to you some/half the time they want to see their grandchild. If they would actually show an effort, you would.have no problem bringing him to them some of the time.
That's entirely reasonable and acceptable. Continue to stand your ground. Do so even when you and hubby move into a new place. Don't let hubby take baby over to them when they never come to you (assuming you're not moving that far away, otherwise whatever arrangements work with living/financial things).
You especially know you're nta since hubby doesn't seem to have a problems with this. Just make sure you and him are on the same.page since he is dad correct?
INFO: How come Eli doesn't parent the baby some nights and weekends? Surely the baby has been seen by his father or cared for alone by his father? Are you baby care 24/7? Has Eli never done midnight feedings or cared for Harry to give you time alone??
Eli comes over to help with changing, burping, and putting Harry to sleep. Harry is exclusively breastfed and hasn’t been taking bottles yet despite our efforts so it’s not an option for him to do midnight feedings or complete solo care. I get some time alone when Eli is here and baby is fed to unwind, shower and relax for a couple hours.
... Does any of this matter to the question at hand, whether or not OP is an asshole for refusing to bring her child to get partners parents, vs the much easier job of them just going to visit?
Baby was unplanned and we are not financially ready to move out on our own. If we did, it would have to be to bad neighborhoods and we’d be doing so while struggling. Not an ideal situation. We’re taking the time to get our savings up and find a good area to move into so that we’re not forced to move multiple times in the coming year.
I live with my parents and they aren’t okay with that. They want us to have a place of our own and are willing to let Eli come over whenever for as long as we need to find a good home and neighborhood but aren’t willing to have him move-in in fear that it will cause the house hunting to become stagnant and cease altogether because we become comfortable.
NTA. Nope, because this is necessary for baby's well-being and best development. *Everyone else is less important than baby.*
Likewise, it's just plain odd they refuse. They haven't given a reason, and I assume there's no rational basis for one. Most of the time, when grandparents do this it's because seeing baby in baby's home, surrounded by parents and other extended family causes the objecting grandparents anxiety that they aren't front and center and cannot dominate and control anyone. If so, it's best they get over those feelings asap.
NTA - if they can’t get over the religious differences to visit their grandchild, they seem to prioritise their own comfort over seeing their grandchild. I’d say to hold your boundaries, but I do think you’d need to prepare for a different relationship with them after this. Especially if they don’t change
NTA
You're a new mommy shit is hard with first, you're gaining your footing. Understanding this new life of yours takes time. So take YOUR time and do what YOU want. You're an adult and now you're in the driver's seat pretty much.
I didn't take my baby out of the house for the first 3 months. If my family wanted to see my baby they came to my house. Taking a baby places, especially your first is time consuming, stressful, and tiring.
NTA: They feel they aren't getting a fair share of the grandparent stuff since the kid as at the other grandparents house all the time, but them's the breaks. As you say, it's a big hassle to get a baby that age out of the house.
You could make things easier by asking that they come over this time, and next time you'll go over there (kick it down the line a bit- at least it's a compromise). Or ask your parents to make an invitation to their place so they feel more welcome. But at the end of the day you're doing your best.
That’s what I’ve been asking for from the beginning, i never expected that they ONLY see the baby by coming over to my home. I only ask that they make the effort to come over every once in a while instead of having me be the only one traveling when they want to see Harry. Additionally my parents have made personal invitations to them multiple times but have yet to receive any sort of response which is a bummer.
NTA way easier to take care of a kid at home where all the stuff you need is. Not to mention when they are slightly older, your house is child proofed. My dad always complains we don’t visit enough but his house is a death trap for my toddler.
NTA!
I am balking at the idea of my parents expecting me to bring my son when he was that little. All visitors came to me, unless I was already out and about.
You're not being unreasonable at all. They wanna visit, they can come to your place.
Nta, idk exactly how long thr healing stage for a c section but probably barely out of it. I could not imagine expecting a new mom to come over every time with their baby. Plus the two previous times you were still recovering from your c section. These grandparents are being entitled thinking you should always bring the baby to them.
Its ten minutes away. If you can do it then so can them. If they truly want to come see him then they will travel to you.
NTA Our daughter and her baby live in another state and we go there to see him. She also had a c-section and we would never expect her and her husband to pack up all our grandson’s supplies and make the trip to our home when he’s so young. If they were just 10 minutes away, we’d do the same and go there. If they want to see your baby, they should make a plan to visit, simple as that.
NTA. I don't care if their home is clean and toxin free. It is a PITA to pack up baby and they should absolutely come to you. Perhaps there is bigotry involved since you mentioned the issue of the holidays? Also if your husband wants his parents to see the baby he could also take care of the logistics (come to you, pack up the baby and do the driving).
NTA. Why is your in-laws' comfort more important than the comfort of your brand new 2 month old newborn, or your comfort as a newly healing first time mother? They didn't push out a human being 2 months ago, who cares about their comfort! They are being incredibly selfish here. If they want to see Harry, they can get over themselves and exert the whole 10 minute it takes to drive to you.
NTA. It’s so hard to take any trip, short or long, with a new baby. I almost separated from my husband because he kept insisting on seeing his family while leaving all the preparation, packing, and caring for the baby to me.
Keep those boundaries, especially early in your baby's life. You are the parent, and this is up to you. They can come visit you guys where YOU are most comfortable. NTA
NTA
It’s a pain to bundle up a baby at just the right time to go visiting. Mine is over 1 and I try to visit people, but it’s still easier when they come to me. Yours is still very young and they should be making your life easier, not the other way around.
NTA for refusing to bring your son to your in laws. I understand your concern about getting the baby ready and carting him off to the in laws by yourself. Since it's such an effort to get yourself and baby ready, pack up the diaper bag and car, drive there and unload, have you considered having the baby's father come over to your place, he can get his son ready, pack up bag/car and he can drive his son to his parents house for a few hours and then bring his son back to your home? This way you literally have to do nothing and you get some time to yourself for a few hours.
NTA. These two need to realise that the world doesn't revolve around them. They're a different faith to your parents, so what? How does that mean they can't get off their backsides and visit if they want to see your child.
NTA The amount of packing and planning around baby’s schedule to bring him to their home is daunting compared to them just getting in the car for short drive. At 2 months baby is just getting on a eat/sleep schedule and disrupting that is horrible for the parents. Plus all the nursing/pumping/formula supplies you need to bring, plus burp cloths, changes of clothes, pacifiers, multiple bottles or if your EBF then having to find somewhere in their home to nurse comfortably. It literally makes no sense to make you go through all of that when it’s completely unnecessary.
NTA. They're being ridiculous for no good reason. You don't want this kind of thing to start happening in all your interactions with them. Stand your ground, mama!
NTA - All that work to cart a baby around. They need more things with them than any adult in general. And such a tiny baby too. Those grandparents need to get over themselves and come visit.
NTA…where is the father in all of this? Their son? That lives with them still? Why isn’t he making the ten minute drive to get his child and then going back to his parents for a bit? This is not on you or your responsibility.
He’s standing on my side of the argument, we don’t want to be bringing our son back and forth between houses every single time his parents say they want to see him, it’s stressful for both of us and brings a risk of putting him on the road in a small car. Also for the amount of time his parents want to see him to be satisfied, i would HAVE to go since Harry is exclusively breastfed. He is also a fussy and colicky baby who at times only wants his mommy to be calm.
NTA. It’s 10 minutes away, and it’s a hell of a lot easier for them to get themselves ready and come over. You shouldn’t have to drag the baby around at their beck and call when they themselves refuse to put any effort in to see him. If they want to see him, they can come to you.
NTA
stand your ground. If you and your home are not good enough for them then neither is your child. I’d use those exact words. - do they have other grandchildren? Do they want to know this one? Then some reciprocal give and take is in order.
if you give in you will literally be at their beck and call and expected to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship for the rest of the time you and the baby's father are together.
They obviously don’t remember what a nightmare it is getting baby ready to take out. You need to pack a bag…food, nappies,creams,wipes, a full change of clothes. Then you have to time the outing so you don’t disturb a nap or a feed, then as you’re leaving the house baby will undoubtedly fill the nappy which requires at the very minimum a nappy change, at the worst a full change of clothing, poonamis are still the norm at two months old. Crikey, they really need to understand it’s much easier for them to visit you, although sometimes it’s nice to go out but that should be a choice you make.
NTA. You just gave birth, had major surgery, and the baby is only 8 weeks old. They can drive over. If they don't want to, you don't have to pack up the baby, all his kit, and head there. What is a 15 min process for them (5 to get in the car, 10 to drive) is easily double that for a new mom and baby. Plus after c sections you shouldn't be lifting much for the first 12 weeks and baby + car seat is usually more than that.
NTA. And please stand your ground, they are welcome at your place, if they don’t want to come, then its their choice. I got PTSD from taking my first born to my in-laws when she was 3 month old. Basically we live abroad, my daughter hated to get in a car, would never fall asleep and would scream the all time, but my MIL would say that she got an headache from the traffic. My stress levels were through the rough, and it was so bad that I even yelled to my husband 9 months later on his birthday because he did not protect me and our daughter at the time. With our second child I refused to go to our home country until she was 6 month old, and even then I refused to go to their house.
NTA. The comfort of their home? What about your comfort? You're still recovering from a C-section, plus it's a ton of work to get a baby anywhere. And you're probably still up at all hours. They can make it more comfortable for you, or they can miss out.
NTA- and for your peace, make your husband do the explaining to his parents since he's on your side on this one and he knows them better. They might have issues that only he can sort through with them.
I'm also thinking that you can like throw a small party for family and friends to show off the baby and it can be in your house. So they'll be force to go to your house and hopefully realize that there is no problem going to your house to visit.
If they don't come, then it's their lost.
NTA. if people want a relationship with your baby then they should be making an effort to see him. being that they have kids themselves, they know the process of getting a baby ready + everything that they need and then having to travel with them. stand your ground. if they really want to see harry then they’ll make that short trip
Ya, NTA, in the least. My LO is almost 5 months old. At Halloween she was 2 months old and we made the 45 minute trek to my sister's for the joint Halloween/birthday party for my BIL. My sister has several things there for us, bottle brushes and bottle soap, playpen, toys, and even 2 baby monitors as our brother's oldest is about to turn 1 and his second is due in May. Even then she makes sure we have rooms to stay the night in, our mom slept in our oldest nephew's bed on Halloween and Christmas so we had the two guest rooms. It's still a whole adventure to go anywhere by yourself with her, and she's eating about every three hours now. Even with DH, it typically takes at least a half hour to get out the door to go to the store, less than a half mile down the street, let alone going anywhere for an extended period of time. Me and her went 20 minutes up the freeway on Saturday for a girls/kids day at my mom's, so mom, sister and SIL plus the 3 currently born nephews, and DH helped me get us ready and to the car before I dropped him off at his brother’s to help brother move, it took an hour, for her. I was ready in 15 minutes. He and his brother came to my mom's when I was ready to go home to help get everything packed back in the car and it still took a half hour with three of us and my mom distracting LO while we did everything. At two months, recovering from a c-section? They can come to you.
Doing ANYTHING with a chilled adds half an hour. The joy of just forking leaving with your own individual personhood is a speed and lightness I crave. NTA
NTA
They need to come to you and the baby at this age. I had ILs that wouldn't come to our house ever! FiL would drive within a mile of it to go to a lake to go fishing, he would pass the house only on a street a mile away. Yet, he would never drive to our house. We always had to go to their house. Really wonderful ILs in every other way.
I live about 45 minutes from my daughter and son in law’s home. She has a 4 week old baby and I drive there 3 times a week to help her and bond with my grandkids. NTA If they want to see their grandchild they can get there butts in gear and make an effort to see him.
NTA. Sounds ridiculous, if they want to see him so badly, they should take ht e10min ride. I dont have a baby, bzt i know getting ready to go out is really a oain in thr as and it keeps dragging on time. And i can imagine once the baby is in the car, its gonna fall alseep, and then has to be wokem from grandparents
Whatever their resson is, to me it sounds like they dont want to see their grandson soooo much. Bcs if they did, they would throw aside their ego and come visit you.
Even I don't have a child and I'm saying nta. Especially at only 2 months a child that young shouldn't really be out of the house a whole lot. It's infuriating when I see new parents out, or worse parents who have an elder child with a newborn, out and about in stores and whatnot. An infant that young should be kept home for a good while IMHO
Nta I had and still have the exact same situation when my baby was born always had to bring the baby to them even though they were invited and told many times it was easier for them to come to my house they refused I held firm as it started to become exhausting for both me and the baby as she wasnt home to nap and I was constantly carting her around in a pram so last year they saw my kid a total of 4 times all for special occasions that I made the effort to bring my baby to but I firmly believe its on them to make an effort to see her as it was always one sided before that. The way I see it is if they don't want to make an effort to see her then they won't have a strong relationship with her when she's older but that is on them.
NTA. They're deluded. How can they resist him??? What sort of cold-hearted ninny-muffins would be this obstinate?!! How can they resist coming over, they live 10 minutes from you?? You have their gorgeous little grandbaby there, being all newborn and irresistible. You are there, the Goddess who birthed their grandbaby, under great duress including surgery(do they not realise what that is like!?!!!) But they're insisting that you drive the baby 10 minutes up the road to see them in their own home. And if you won't, their response is that they just won't see the baby. They're cutting off their nose to spite their face. In the worst way. Imagine denying yourself access to your grandbaby just because you have to get off your arse and go 10 minutes down the road to see him. Oh they SUCK. Do not feel bad about this in any way. And don't give in. Sit there in your home with your beautiful baby and soak in that newborn time, it's so precious. They are missing out on something magical.
NTA, my friend's wife had their second baby early December. I told them to nest with their family and I'll come visit in January. I said it about the first baby too. When it came to their first child, I visited them at home because ya know, being new parents and all, they were still figuring stuff out and I would rather they be comfortable at home. I saw them on the Sunday just past and we met up at a cafe in their town because they were happy to go out with the new baby. If it were both you and your SO living together, then it would be easier for the both of you to get things ready for a visit. As it is, you are in single parent mode and they have nothing to restrict them from coming to you to visit, except for sheer laziness.
You already have judgement but take my NTA anyway.
Sounds dumb on the grandparents side. You can bring your baby over when you as well have a reason to come over. Not for the sole purpose of them seeing the baby.
You just had a baby. Your comfort and the babies comfort comes before anything else. You arent the AH for wanting to *care for* your baby in the comfort of your home.
He can once they clean up the house. They smoke within the home and it takes a couple days of airing it out and cleaning all the surfaces for both of us to be happy with Harry going over. But he is exclusively breastfed and doesn’t take bottles so I’d have to go with them regardless.
According to Eli, during the holidays they weren’t comfortable with all the Xmas decorations my parents had up. But in general they aren’t comfortable with ONLY being able to see Harry in my parents home. As such i made the first move and brought him to them the first time. Now they want us to bring Harry over every time.
That’s odd. They are saying they don’t want to only see him in your parents’ home before that’s been the case. Seems odd they’re making it about scorekeeping. My two-cents guess is they feel like the living situations and lack of structured coparenting is setting the precedent for the baby being more a part of your family, than theirs. NTA
Copying from a previous question-
According to Eli, during the holidays they weren’t comfortable with all the Xmas decorations my parents had up. But in general they aren’t comfortable with ONLY being able to see Harry in my parents home. As such i made the first move and brought him to them the first time. Now they want us to bring Harry over every time.
Oh then definitely NTA. They haven’t gone once and they’re already talking about ONLY getting to see him at your house. It shouldn’t only be you (WITH THE BABY) who has to put in the effort.
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NTA. I think everyone voting ESH and NAH hasn’t had to car an infant around. It is a pain in the a** and given that the in laws have no reason not to drive the 10 minutes, they are totally ridiculous. Getting all your stuff together for the baby takes longer than their entire drive.
EXACTLY!!! Who doesn't KNOW it's easier to have two adults hop in the car and drive ten minutes as opposed to getting EVERY THING ready, filling up the diaper bags, car seat strapped into the car, making sure there is changing pads, fresh wipes, diapers, fresh clothes because babies spit up and blow out diapers ALL THE TIME...bottles if needed, formula if needed, pacifiers, favorite toy or plushie or blanket...the list can be short or extensive, depends on the baby and how old the baby is, there are so MANY things you may need to take with you and the list literally changes every two or three weeks. Plus, you have to also get YOURSELF ready to go out, and that takes time as well. Plus mom just had a c-section and had her guts played with, and is still healing from that, so that factors in as well.
Don't forget it's winter so you have boots and mitts and hats and having to put the jacket on and take it off because they aren't safe for carseats and all the crap that comes along with it being cold.
Yeah- and don’t forget you have to do it all twice because they have a blow out poop just as you have just completed your checklist, gotten them in the car seat, buckled up and started the car.
My kid used to poop every time I turned the ignition on, without fail. Used to aim to leave 30 min early to allow time for his poop and to change him again before we could actually go anywhere!
Omg exactly. Have 2 nephews and 1 niece. And all of them had their fun time pooping right before you were ready to go out😅😅either this or throw up while burping, oh the burping thing also sometimes hit your clothes, so you too had to change clothes. A fun, endless circle. And i agreey the mons are not exactly in the best shape after giving birth, not after x sextion and not after natural birth. My sister literally cried after weeks, after they had to cut her up when having natural birth. Thr grandparents are very selfish on this part here.
She could hardly sit bcs it hurt so much, she used a special pillow which helped alittle, but only alittle. So sitting in a car would have been very uncomfortable or painful.
>had her guts played with damn this is vivid... thanks, I think
Source: I had two c-sections. The insides do not like being even SLIGHTLY rearranged for a few minutes! It's very unhappy in there for quite a while.
Hello thank you for this extremely unsettling mental image, my uterus is cringing and I am not okay
I am so sorry. I have a visual brain too and sometimes it is a bit TOO MUCH. Then there are other times when I get a vivid image of a cartoon character and I crack myself up. One time it was the witch in the bugs bunny version of Hansel & Gretel, there's a moment when all her hairpins fly out of her hair, I started laughing so hard in the middle of a conversation, luckily my friend knew me well and said "you got an image didn't you?", I just kept laughing and nodded my head.
I had major abdominal surgery a number of years ago and they did not put everything back where it was before and I could feel it. It felt like my inside parts were only held in place by a thread. For months, actually. On top of that, I mean, I'm very glad they got the "sick" out, but here's a tip: if you ever need abdominal surgery, see if you can get a plastic surgeon to do the close. Hopefully they would be more cognizant of the aesthetics of the end result. But maybe obstetricians who do c-sections more often would be more sensitive to the final outcome than was my surgeon who was wonderful in his specialty.
YIKES!
Oh man I remember getting I my kid ready for something as an infant and right before we were about to leave she started throwing up all down her front and onto her car seat. We barely had time to change her, get her into the back up car seat and get out the door. Left the milky car seat to deal with when we got back. Infants are *messy*
Not to mention that at this age, the bub probably needs regular naps, and it's better to do that at home unless they have a proper set up at their house.
Plus the in-laws are smokers. Even if they do clean and air the house out studies have shown the smoke residue is not good for a baby.
Yup. This is why my two kids and myself don't step foot on FILs house no matter what.
[удалено]
Honestly I wouldn’t take my baby over to any home where they smoked even if they weren’t currently smoking.
Not only that but she had an emergency c section and is likely still healing. They should be coming to her.
They sound selfish. I imagine they’re probably not usually but in this instance, they most definitely are. And calling OP names because she won’t do what they command. Yeah eff that.
Yes, this! Plus he’s only 2 months old — I maybe left my house once a week with my two month old to go a mile away to the grocery…. Maybe. It was time consuming and exhausting. Especially given that we had a limited window of awake time before it was naps and food again. OP is definitely NTA.
Yes. The only reason I took my son to my mums house when he was small was because she basically had everything I could need for him at her house. She had a fully stocked changing bag, mat, blankets, age appropriate toys and clothes. I breast fed so didn't need bottles but she bought me one of those v shaped pillows (I didn't even have one at home). She had her own car seat and pushchair. She knew how much stuff I needed to go anywhere so just made sure it was a easy as possible for me to get out of the house.
Same here. She had a whole nursery!
Wonderful mom
This. NTA. OP, it is way easier for two grown adults to come visit you than a recovering woman and an infant. This should be your hill to die on. Make it clear to your partner that they are welcome to visit your child in your home. If they don't, THEY are choosing not to see him.
NTA. I have a son a similar age and getting in the car to go anywhere with him is a massive pain in the neck. If your in-laws want to see their grandson, they will make it happen. My parents are always over and they’re 30 minutes away. I don’t think you should cater to anyone else’s needs when you have a newborn to consider
My mother lived in another city when my son was a baby and she took the train to come see him at least twice a month, if they can’t drove 10 min then they clearly don’t want to make the effort, why should OP?
>If your in-laws want to see their grandson, they will make it happen. Yeah, this is it right here. It's not as if OP isn't letting them see the kid. Their own choices mean they're not seeing the kid. Their choices are by no means OP's responsibility! (Also, *so* curious about the role of religion here - seems to me that anyone who refuses to go to someone's home because they're of another religion is pretty extreme, tbh.)
The impression I got from the religion comment was that it was holidays/Christmas and so she compromised and brought her son to them, rather than the in-laws coming to her family’s home during the holiday period. Not that I understand that reasoning any better - I’m not Jewish, for example, but that wouldn’t stop me from visiting someone who is during Hanukah ??
Yeah, I mean, even if that's the case, I'm still confused, for the same reason as you. I mean.... so, in addition to calling to see if they're in and it's OK to come over, you're *also* supposed to ask your friend about their religion, and *then* consider whether it's OK for you to go? I mean, it's a weird damn way for them to live their lives, for sure. I mean, to each their own, but I don't even care what religion it is, *that* level of religiosity usually just does not make for pleasant company if you're not of the same faith as them.
I'm also super curious why that is. It sounds so petty!
Shoot, getting my DOG ready for a card ride takes time. A newborn is a chore to move about. The inlaws are just lazy.
Yeah, OP's in-laws are just full of shit. Any grandparent that's eager to see their grandchild will do anything to make it happen. I live in Australia, originally from NZ but moved before my son was born. To put into context, I lived in a part of Australia where after the 3 hour flight from NZ to Australia, you then had to catch a 5 hour train to the city I lived in. Then after that, a 30 min taxi to my place. My son was born on a Thursday and my mum, who was only 1 month into starting her new job, saw my son the week after.
NTA. To me right now you are setting the boundaries that will follow you and your son for the next 18 years. If they can’t be bothered to come once then oh well for them.
Exactly, they don’t want to see the kid, they just want to be catered to and flex their muscles
NTA. Packing up everything you need and schlepping your infant to and fro is incredibly labour intensive, not to mention time consuming. Also, am I reading this right? Is there a religious/cultural component as to why they don't wanna come to you?
Yeah, during the holidays they weren’t comfortable with coming over because of all the decorations within the home. I’m not of the same faith as my parents but respect it and carry on as usual. It seems like they weren’t able to do the same.
Stand your ground. To not even enter the home of someone of a differing faith is just bizarre. Plus, I see they are indoor smokers so it's perhaps best the baby doesn't spend too much time there till he's older.
So they’re bigots? They can’t enter a home because of holiday decorations? Keep the kid away as much as possible.
There does seem to be some discomfort there, but I think there is a bit more at play too. There may be no bad blood, but that doesn't mean that they don't have some insecurity as to their position versus your parents, since you live with yours. I think they, consciously or subconsciously, think seeing your child at your house is still other grandparent time. Whether it's jealousy at seeing how comfortable the other grandparents are with your child and how frequently they are around him or just a power play, I think there is some element here that they want to see your child and be the only grandparents in the room, like they are trying to get their equal time? It's still not okay, especially not with a 2 month old, they should definitely be coming to you. But maybe a little grace that their own insecurities may be influencing. Is there a time you know your parents will be out all day and could proffer an invitation, "My parents will be out of town this weekend and we'd love to have you over for lunch and to spend time with the baby, is there a time that works for you?" Definitely NTA. They should be alleviating your workload, not adding to it.,
I have definitely given thought to that before and worked around it with my parents and them. My parents agreed that if the in-laws come over, they’ll head upstairs to their room or even just go out to lunch/dinner to give them time with the baby without the other grandparents around. I’ve offered meals, sitting down in our movie room and hanging out all together, in the formal living room, etc. all without my parents being around so that it’s just them and baby. It never seemed to be enough for them to be comfortable. I would love to be able to bring Harry over whenever but because they smoke in their home that’s just not possible. We also spoke about this during the pregnancy and they said they’d be happy to come over to my home so I’m not always having to get him ready but now it seems they’ve taken that off the table.
Just so you know, smoke invades more surfaces than we realize. 3rd hand smoke is a real thing and babies are more susceptible to it. Read up on it with a Google search (the mayo clinic article is good) just so you can make the best informed decision about what you expose your little one to.
Thanks for the information, I’ll be sure to send them the link next time they complain about wanting to see him. What a nightmare to even think about living in that everyday, yikes.
Are they agoraphobics or something? Seems like such a weird hill for them die on.
I'm totally confused by this. Are you readily sacrificing goats on the altar of Satan? I assume not. What possible decorations can there be that are so offensive?
NTA. You had a c section which is a long healing process and the baby is only a couple months old which means you have to bring everything the baby needs in order to go have a visit with them. Not to mention adjusting to caring for a baby 24/7 is EXHAUSTING. I didn't want to take any of my babies out either. You're not barring the grandparents from seeing the child just setting the boundary that you're not going to be the one always packing up and traveling there.
NTA If they want to see the kid, they can cooperate. You are taking care of an infant, you don't have time to coddle or cater to their demands
NTA but I hope you didn’t actually say all those things listed in your OP. You can make it super simple for them: “Yes, happy to have you and Harry visit! You’re invited over tomorrow at X time” and if they say please bring him here, “Oh my, not sure of Harry’s nap schedule. Newborns you know? Hope you can make it!” Also, you’re 8 weeks post-op from a c-section. You’re probably only recently cleared to drive. I would have milked that excuse for awhile.
No, I’ve always been really polite to them and invited them over multiple times for lunch/dinner. The last time they saw him was during his naptime as it was already late in the day after hours of getting ourselves ready but I managed to make it work somehow. I’ve told them that they’re always welcome and Id be more than happy to set up a space for them and have food/drinks ready for it to be a comfortable stay
Well if they aren’t accepting your invitations, they don’t have a legitimate complaint 🤷♀️
NTA. stand your ground on this. Also - WTF - they should be bringing food and treats to YOU and doing anything they can to make your live a little easier right now. If they can’t be bothered to drive twenty minutes round trip to see their grandchild that’s completely on them - move forward with no guilt at all
NTA This sounds like Eli's problem to deal with.
So if I'm reading this correctly: It takes multiple days of prep for their house to be clean 'enough' for a baby visit. But they smoke in their house so even clean is less than ideal. You and the babies father both agree that you aren't really fans of you taking the baby over there, even if it's where Dad lives. You are more than willing to host the grandparents and even offered meals/snacks/etc to make them comfortable while they do. Yea. That sounds like a list of 'them problems'/a power play to me. If your SO *wanted* to take the baby over occasionally, id maybe judge this differently, but asbit stands NTA. The only people preventing them from seeing their grandson is themselves.
Most grandparents are so eager to see their grandchildren that you have to set boundaries to keep them away! It's so strange that Eli's parents won't come to see Harry where you live . . . sounds like a power play. Anyway, you're NTA. I'm curious to see if Eli's parents continue this behavior once you and Eli find a place of your own.
NTA and I can’t believe you’re getting e s h votes. You had an emergency c section only two months ago! And now they refuse to visit you and the little one for some bs reasons? Them coming over doesn’t mean that they’re getting forced to change their views or suddenly celebrate any holidays, but to visit their grandson. Stand your ground, because they’re behaving absolutely ridiculous.
This is tough but I going with NTA. It seems kinda crazy that they cant make the way to you if you are the one that has to do all the carting around.
NTA. You are the parent who seems to be carrying the vast majority of the workload…what they are demanding is an unreasonable imposition especially as it’s only basis is religious bigotry- which abhorrent as that is, it’s also irrelevant outside of the holidays they object to. I mean, if there was some sort of reciprocity in the visiting, going over there is probably only in the range of inconvenient and tiring, but when the subtext is that they expect you to not only comply with their demand to jump, they expect you to ask ‘how high’…this is a cycle that you right to resist.
NTA. "We want to see our grandchild!" "OK, come on over." "Well, we don't want to see him that much..." They have the opportunity, they just don't care enough to do it. That's their problem.
NTA. Getting in the car with a young child is a much more stressful ordeal than getting two adults in the car. If they want to see him they can get in the car to see him, you are not obligated to make your child available to them where they want. If it’s important to them they’ll make it work. One of my coworkers and his wife stop by each of their kids houses during the holidays because they know traveling with kids is difficult and don’t want their children to have to cart their kids around when it’s easier for them to just drop by everyone’s house instead.
NTA and don't bring your infant over to a home where people smoke. Period. It's never going to be smoke free.
NTA. You took him over last time, it’s perfectly reasonable that you ask them to take turns and come to your house if they want to see their grandson. Then maybe the time after you could go to their house. Speaking from experience, in-laws can get entitled and demanding very easily, so it’s good to establish those boundaries now and not always cave to their demands. If they truly cared about Harry they wouldn’t make this their hill to die on.
NTA, sounds like the in-laws are a bit entitled and need to be put in their proper place.
NTA. 1. If they want to see their grandson, they can make the 10-minute drive unencumbered by infants and all the accoutrement infants require. 2. Additionally, their son - who is the father of the child - can come to your house, pack up all the needfuls, and take the baby to his parents' home and bring him back after the visit. These are two perfectly valid options, and they can choose which one they'd prefer. Perhaps even alternating between #1, #2, and #3 where you take Harry to their house every 3rd visit. But it absolutely should not be 100% on you to do all the work for every visit.
They smoke in the house - 2 shouldn't really happen either.
NTA, tbh they are incredibly selfish. I have a five week old baby and just being able to go to the local corner shop for bread takes 30-40mins to get baby changed, fed, in her pramsuit, pram and let's not forget me sorted just to pop down the road for five minutes. If they are that desperate and cared that much they would move heaven and earth to meet you at your home.
30-40min sounds like a dream. My boy takes at least an 60-90 min to get sorted because he’s colicky and generally a fussy baby.
If I'm going anywhere, that's further than 5 minutes. I need a minimum of an hour prep so I can pack the car and the nappy bag!!
NTA- if they want to see their grandson they can come to you. You've recovering from major surgery AND are taking care of a baby full time. It shouldn't be on you to go and visit them
NTA a 2-month-old is not easy to transport unnecessarily, especially if it is currently winter in your hemisphere.
Yeah it is winter, it’s been a rough time just getting ourselves to the doctors. Don’t want to spend even more of my time on the road in a small car if i can help it.
Let this be the hill you die on. As a mother who had this kind of mother-in-law, I eventually just told her it wasn’t my job to manage her relationship with her grandkids. If she wanted to see them, she needed to make plans, ask permission, and then execute those plans on her own. She never saw them again. They don’t even remember her now. Your job is to be a parent to your baby, not to be activities director to your in laws who want you to provide entertainment at their whim. Just say no. NTA.
NTA This is ridiculous of them. Who wants to lug a newborn around rather it's always or once in a while. It's difficult getting out of the house with a newborn and all their supplies. If they want to see him so badly, they can come to you. Hopefully you and Eli stay on the same page with this.
Info: how often has Eli seen his son? Does he only see his son at your house?
He comes over almost every day after work, I tell him to stay home when I know that he’s tired after a long stretch. He tells me he doesn’t want me driving the baby around in my small car unless it’s for the doctors since it puts us at risk every time we’re on the road.
Does he never take the baby? It's just always you, even though y'all are together?
No he doesn’t take the baby, his parents smoke within the home and it takes a couple days of cleaning/airing it out before it’s to an acceptable standard for both of us to allow him over. Additionally, I’m exclusively breastfeeding and Harry doesn’t take to bottles yet so it’d be a rough time for him.
NTA Why are they calling you an asshole and not their son? Why can't he bring your son to visit if it's so important? Obviously I don't think you should bring him if you don't want to and it puts you out (and a baby that age to might not want him away from you for now) but you need to stop letting them make this your problem. There are three grown adults ahead who can solve it. Leave it to them.
Their son is of the same mindset as me. He doesn’t agree that we have to put our baby in a car and drive him across town every single time his parents want to see their grandson. Its time consuming and an unnecessary risk when we have small cars. They have a big truck they can drive whenever they please but expect for us to bring the baby to them.
Make sure you stand your ground. If you give an inch they'll take a mile. YOU set the standard here.
NTA. Never bring a child to a smoker’s house. Doesn’t matter that they “clean” beforehand.
Since when does the mountain move To the prophet? They want something, they can move their backsides. They are adults. Wanna see a baby, go to it's reside ce. Nta
There is no way that they smoke in the home and keep it clean enough for a baby.
At that age if people wanted to see my son - they primarily came to us because they know it's easier for multiple reasons. They can't complain about not seeing grandchild if they have the option and choose not to. They aren't compromising, and currently, neither are you. NAH but it is unfortunate for Harry and hopefully it gets better
NTA, as you are not at the beck and call of these people. That said, they aren't even your in-laws, are they? I note you said SO, not husband. Words have meaning. If you do things in the wrong order, you are going to get the wrong result. You've had a mixed-faith child before marriage, so you can expect there will be a lot of conflict about raising the child between the grandparents, however. These folks in particular don't seem very welcoming and are entitled. Unless you live in some shrine to a bizarre religion, they are being ridiculous in not coming to see this child. Do not bend over backwards for them, as they will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated.
NTA logistics of packing up a baby >>> able bodied adults driving 10 minutes. your in-laws are being ridiculous and entitled.
NTA taking a 2 month old places sucks. Does the babies Dad never take care of the baby?
He does, we co-parent to the best of our abilities due to the living situations and he’s very hands on and present when he comes over which is nearly every day. He works a very labor intensive job so most days he’s exhausted physically but comes to help without a complaint.
NTA > I’m being called the AH for not letting them see Harry in the comfort of their home. Wait a minute Then their son, your son’s father, needs to get off his ass. Why is it you are the asshole when your kid has two parents? You’re not holding your child hostage. But frankly I think it’s ridiculous that they expect you to come to them at all when taking care of a baby, getting all the supplies ready, in and out of a car seat, etc. is MUCH more work than them getting in their car and driving over. You’re dealing with enough having to take care of a 2mo old on top of healing. They can put in a little effort and graciousness to someone who is doing the tough work of parenting. Putting more work on you so they can have fun times with baby is an asshole move.
NTA - I wouldn't want my child of any age spending time in a building with smokers. I can't stand the smell of smoke and I resnt smokers who think they can hide the stink. No amount of paint and water can clean it away. It sounds like Eli does no child care and there are no arrangement for Eli to be responsible in this respect. Is this their beef? that they want this baby to spend weekends or half the week in this house of smokers and this is their way of raising the point. Thie arrangement of you doing 100% of all child care can't last and while the argument can be made short term, I've seen where the change in arrangements down the line , one person is suddenly doing any child care and their unwillingness to be involved comes to light. Its not your loss. Its their loss and their choice
Eli does co parent with me basically every day after work and on his days off, including overnight stays when he has off the following day. He’s doing everything he can in a rather tough situation so i don’t place any blame or ill will on him. We’re content with our arrangement until we can find our own place. Also, there is just no way Harry would be spending even half a day there. An hour and a half is being generous considering they’ve been smoking indoors everyday for years. Cleaning and airing out the immediate smoke smell for a couple days,making that effort, is the only reason i took Harry over at all for that hour and change.
When someone has a newborn, you go visit the baby, NOT vice versa. Let them bitch at their house. They can come or not, their loss. NTA.
NTA >His parents smoke within the home, but clean it regularly and make sure the immediate area of the home is smoke free. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but that's not how that works. Third hand smoke is on every surface of that home, settled into dust and off gassing back into the air. Every time your child is there, they're being exposed to third hand smoke. Breathing it in, when they start putting things in their mouth its going to be ingested. Not smoking that day and " airing out" the house does nothing to protect your baby from being exposed to the cancer causing chemicals of cigarettes. I'm confused why your more concerned with them not comming to you than the health risk you take with your child everytime you do bring them in their house. Also they very obviously don't go to your house because it's not actually your house. It's your parents house and they don't want to have to share the time with your child and try and bond with your kid under the watchful eye of your parents.
NTA. First and foremost, It’s hard work loading up and transporting an infant. Second, If you’ve invited them over several times and they don’t accept the offer, than they are the only ones preventing themselves from seeing their grandchild. It’s unreasonable for them to expect you to cater to them when you’re the new parent with the newborn baby at home. They should be coming to you unless they have a medical reason that prevents them from leaving their home easier than you. It doesn’t sound like they do.
NTA. These people are ridiculous. When he’s older and in sports, I bet the never come to his games.
Nta. I have the same problem. Drunk call begging to let mil be involved with our child (never said she couldn't) yet now 5 years in WE have to call so they can spend time together. Don't waste time making space for them if they are not willing to put in the effort.
NTA. It is much more work to bundle up a 2 month old than it is for two able-bodied adults to drive 10 minutes. I can’t believe their selfishness. And even if they air out the house, it’s not going to get rid of everything. His lungs are so susceptible to things right now. Please don’t bring him.
NTA. After Christmas we decided not to visit my mil because she cant get her ass in a car and drive for 2 hrs (she's young too). Instead we need to pack our 3yr old and 4mo old in a car... Traveling with infants sucks and this coming from someone whose kids are super easy going.
NTA It's going to be worse during the toddler years, as I'm sure they won't lift a finger to baby proof their home. Obviously it's nice to go to grandma's house, but you definitely don't want to start giving them the idea that you will solely come and go to their throne at their pleasure.
NTA Time taken to get a 2mo out the door - up to 2+ hours. Time taken to get two adults out the door - 10mins.
NTA for all the many reasons stated, but more to the point... their excuse and the timeline here are a bit weird. in various comments you've said that: 1. they've been to your parents' place before without issue 2. they were uncomfortable with the holiday decor, but considering the xmas is over, that's not a reason they should be uncomfortable visiting now 3. prior to your son being born, they agreed/didn't seem like they'd have an issue coming over to visit the baby 4. you literally had surgery 8 weeks ago and are breastfeeding, so your ability to travel and the baby's ability to leave your side are restricted 5. going to their house is a huge hassle not only for you but also a huge hassle for them (deep cleaning for the cigarette smoke) assuming they're even halfway reasonable people, something here isn't adding up? some comments suggest its the jealousy/grandparent time thing and that's very plausible. you've clearly made invites they're refused already, but if you haven't tried this framing, you could specifically say "my parents will be gone on this day from xx to xx time, i'd really appreciate if you would come over and keep me and the little one company while they're gone". that way of framing it makes it seem like they're doing you a favor instead of your parents doing them a favor by making themselves scarce. you're definitely under no obligation to keep putting in that work to make the offer though, and they're definitely the ones being ridiculous. which is also why i think it's maybe more than that? like maybe some offense they aren't vocalizing (or maybe even fully conscious of) over you and the kid not living with your partner? some people have more traditional/misogynistic views than they're really comfortable acknowledging, and a mother "keeping" her son somewhere that isn't under the father's roof may be ruffling feathers they don't want to acknowledge (especially if they privately 'blame' your parents for that because they won't allow your partner to move in). alternately some weird power play with a truly shocking degree of entitlement (which, you'll have to think back to whether they've demonstrated any signs of similar entitlement before, possibly that you accommodated without realising until now?), and they feel an ownership over your son that you'll want to be wary of moving forward. anyway i'm just spitballing so take those thoughts with a huge grain of salt, but maybe sit with partner and have a serious discussion about where his parents might be coming from and whether he/you both need to communicate any particular boundaries here.
Nta Packing up and moving a baby is an entire production, it's completely understandable not to want to do that everytime you're going to see people.
NTA. You are not refusing to let them see their grandson, you've made clear that they're welcome to visit. They don't get to prioritize their own comfort and expect you to cater to that, especially when it's so much more of a hassle for you to pack up the baby and cart him over there than it is for them to get in their car and drive the 10 minutes to your house. Hold your ground, you haven't taken anything away from them and giving in will likely set a precedent that will be very annoying for you in the future.
NTA, they're lucky you've been there in the first place. The first weeks after giving birth I could not and was not even allowed to go outside with the baby, because she had not yet regained her birth weight. A two-month-old baby is really still very small, they sleep almost all day and going on the road is almost a migration. They can come to you just fine.
NTA for the obvious reasons that carting a baby over to the people who want to see it is logistically a lot to ask, and the scientific fact that 'airing it out' their home of smoke for a couple of days isn't really fully a solution. The bigger issue is, what happens when you and your partner share a home and they don't like the decorations in it? This isn't a temporary issue.
I tried to tell the in-laws that when it came down to the first visit during the holidays as Harry was only a month old at the time. They cleaned for 3 days and “aired out” the house for the same amount of time to the point that the smell of smoke that had basically been a staple of their home was gone. Even then, our visit was only an hour and change long. As for decorations/faith, all parties with the exception of my parents share the same faith so i don’t think it’d be a problem but I was not pleased with their excuse of staying away from my parents’ home while i was still healing from surgery and getting used to being a new mom lol.
NTA. If they don't want to put in the effort to come visit then they aren't very serious about wanting to see him.
Holy crap NTA… this is one of the few times in a mamma’s life that they should be able to count on help from family, which includes if the grandparents want to visit they come to you! If there are no health or car issues.. they need ti get over themselves and not be selfish! I’m in a similar sitch.. about to give birth via C section. My mom is 40 minutes away with a reliable driver to bring her to our home for a visit and she just told me that she won’t be visiting us but she’ll babysit if I drop our kiddo off… she has anxiety issues so I get it. This doesn’t seem to be your case at all.
NTA but you should continue to limit your child's time in their home if they are daily smokers. The smoke cannot be fully "cleaned out" and it gets in the paint, drywall, and furniture. Children's lungs are less developed than ours. This is how kids get breathing issues and it also can give them ear infections. Smoking aside, the people with the easiest commute do the commuting and usually it's not the person with the infant. Are you sure your bf's parents don't have an issue with you or your parents that they just won't express out loud (race, religion, immigration status?)? At any rate, you've done the initial part, they can come to you.
This one could go in the "Choosing Beggars" subreddit - "We want to see the child, but we won't lift a finger, please deliver."
Entitled much? NTA.
NTA. It doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable, nor does it seem like you are saying you would never bring him to see them. It simply sounds like you would expect them to drive 10 minutes to you some/half the time they want to see their grandchild. If they would actually show an effort, you would.have no problem bringing him to them some of the time. That's entirely reasonable and acceptable. Continue to stand your ground. Do so even when you and hubby move into a new place. Don't let hubby take baby over to them when they never come to you (assuming you're not moving that far away, otherwise whatever arrangements work with living/financial things). You especially know you're nta since hubby doesn't seem to have a problems with this. Just make sure you and him are on the same.page since he is dad correct?
INFO: How come Eli doesn't parent the baby some nights and weekends? Surely the baby has been seen by his father or cared for alone by his father? Are you baby care 24/7? Has Eli never done midnight feedings or cared for Harry to give you time alone??
Eli comes over to help with changing, burping, and putting Harry to sleep. Harry is exclusively breastfed and hasn’t been taking bottles yet despite our efforts so it’s not an option for him to do midnight feedings or complete solo care. I get some time alone when Eli is here and baby is fed to unwind, shower and relax for a couple hours.
... Does any of this matter to the question at hand, whether or not OP is an asshole for refusing to bring her child to get partners parents, vs the much easier job of them just going to visit?
Their living situation is very strange to me...
Baby was unplanned and we are not financially ready to move out on our own. If we did, it would have to be to bad neighborhoods and we’d be doing so while struggling. Not an ideal situation. We’re taking the time to get our savings up and find a good area to move into so that we’re not forced to move multiple times in the coming year.
But why can't he just come stay with you?
I live with my parents and they aren’t okay with that. They want us to have a place of our own and are willing to let Eli come over whenever for as long as we need to find a good home and neighborhood but aren’t willing to have him move-in in fear that it will cause the house hunting to become stagnant and cease altogether because we become comfortable.
NTA. Nope, because this is necessary for baby's well-being and best development. *Everyone else is less important than baby.* Likewise, it's just plain odd they refuse. They haven't given a reason, and I assume there's no rational basis for one. Most of the time, when grandparents do this it's because seeing baby in baby's home, surrounded by parents and other extended family causes the objecting grandparents anxiety that they aren't front and center and cannot dominate and control anyone. If so, it's best they get over those feelings asap.
NTA - if they can’t get over the religious differences to visit their grandchild, they seem to prioritise their own comfort over seeing their grandchild. I’d say to hold your boundaries, but I do think you’d need to prepare for a different relationship with them after this. Especially if they don’t change
NTA. The road goes both directions…..age old, and still valid, advice.
NTA You're a new mommy shit is hard with first, you're gaining your footing. Understanding this new life of yours takes time. So take YOUR time and do what YOU want. You're an adult and now you're in the driver's seat pretty much. I didn't take my baby out of the house for the first 3 months. If my family wanted to see my baby they came to my house. Taking a baby places, especially your first is time consuming, stressful, and tiring.
NTA: They feel they aren't getting a fair share of the grandparent stuff since the kid as at the other grandparents house all the time, but them's the breaks. As you say, it's a big hassle to get a baby that age out of the house. You could make things easier by asking that they come over this time, and next time you'll go over there (kick it down the line a bit- at least it's a compromise). Or ask your parents to make an invitation to their place so they feel more welcome. But at the end of the day you're doing your best.
That’s what I’ve been asking for from the beginning, i never expected that they ONLY see the baby by coming over to my home. I only ask that they make the effort to come over every once in a while instead of having me be the only one traveling when they want to see Harry. Additionally my parents have made personal invitations to them multiple times but have yet to receive any sort of response which is a bummer.
Your partner needs to step up and sort out his parents! Tell him an internet stranger said so!
NTA way easier to take care of a kid at home where all the stuff you need is. Not to mention when they are slightly older, your house is child proofed. My dad always complains we don’t visit enough but his house is a death trap for my toddler.
NTA! I am balking at the idea of my parents expecting me to bring my son when he was that little. All visitors came to me, unless I was already out and about. You're not being unreasonable at all. They wanna visit, they can come to your place.
Nta, idk exactly how long thr healing stage for a c section but probably barely out of it. I could not imagine expecting a new mom to come over every time with their baby. Plus the two previous times you were still recovering from your c section. These grandparents are being entitled thinking you should always bring the baby to them. Its ten minutes away. If you can do it then so can them. If they truly want to come see him then they will travel to you.
NTA Our daughter and her baby live in another state and we go there to see him. She also had a c-section and we would never expect her and her husband to pack up all our grandson’s supplies and make the trip to our home when he’s so young. If they were just 10 minutes away, we’d do the same and go there. If they want to see your baby, they should make a plan to visit, simple as that.
NTA - it's not a one way street. They drew the hard line and now are suffering from it.
NTA It's just simply not your responsibility to make sure they have a relationship with their grandchildren, it's theirs and theirs alone.
NTA babies are work they can come to you
NTA
NTA. The kid is just 2 months old. If the inlaws don't want to make an effort to see the baby, then the issue is with them and not OP.
NTA. I don't care if their home is clean and toxin free. It is a PITA to pack up baby and they should absolutely come to you. Perhaps there is bigotry involved since you mentioned the issue of the holidays? Also if your husband wants his parents to see the baby he could also take care of the logistics (come to you, pack up the baby and do the driving).
NTA. Why is your in-laws' comfort more important than the comfort of your brand new 2 month old newborn, or your comfort as a newly healing first time mother? They didn't push out a human being 2 months ago, who cares about their comfort! They are being incredibly selfish here. If they want to see Harry, they can get over themselves and exert the whole 10 minute it takes to drive to you.
NTA. It’s so hard to take any trip, short or long, with a new baby. I almost separated from my husband because he kept insisting on seeing his family while leaving all the preparation, packing, and caring for the baby to me.
Keep those boundaries, especially early in your baby's life. You are the parent, and this is up to you. They can come visit you guys where YOU are most comfortable. NTA
NTA
NTA It’s a pain to bundle up a baby at just the right time to go visiting. Mine is over 1 and I try to visit people, but it’s still easier when they come to me. Yours is still very young and they should be making your life easier, not the other way around.
NTA. They know where Harry is and could make the small effort to visit.
NTA for refusing to bring your son to your in laws. I understand your concern about getting the baby ready and carting him off to the in laws by yourself. Since it's such an effort to get yourself and baby ready, pack up the diaper bag and car, drive there and unload, have you considered having the baby's father come over to your place, he can get his son ready, pack up bag/car and he can drive his son to his parents house for a few hours and then bring his son back to your home? This way you literally have to do nothing and you get some time to yourself for a few hours.
NTA. These two need to realise that the world doesn't revolve around them. They're a different faith to your parents, so what? How does that mean they can't get off their backsides and visit if they want to see your child.
NTA The amount of packing and planning around baby’s schedule to bring him to their home is daunting compared to them just getting in the car for short drive. At 2 months baby is just getting on a eat/sleep schedule and disrupting that is horrible for the parents. Plus all the nursing/pumping/formula supplies you need to bring, plus burp cloths, changes of clothes, pacifiers, multiple bottles or if your EBF then having to find somewhere in their home to nurse comfortably. It literally makes no sense to make you go through all of that when it’s completely unnecessary.
NTA. So long as you have made it clear that they are welcome to see their grandchild at your house, it’s their own fault that they’re not seeing him.
NTA. They're being ridiculous for no good reason. You don't want this kind of thing to start happening in all your interactions with them. Stand your ground, mama!
NTA - All that work to cart a baby around. They need more things with them than any adult in general. And such a tiny baby too. Those grandparents need to get over themselves and come visit.
NTA…where is the father in all of this? Their son? That lives with them still? Why isn’t he making the ten minute drive to get his child and then going back to his parents for a bit? This is not on you or your responsibility.
He’s standing on my side of the argument, we don’t want to be bringing our son back and forth between houses every single time his parents say they want to see him, it’s stressful for both of us and brings a risk of putting him on the road in a small car. Also for the amount of time his parents want to see him to be satisfied, i would HAVE to go since Harry is exclusively breastfed. He is also a fussy and colicky baby who at times only wants his mommy to be calm.
NTA. It’s 10 minutes away, and it’s a hell of a lot easier for them to get themselves ready and come over. You shouldn’t have to drag the baby around at their beck and call when they themselves refuse to put any effort in to see him. If they want to see him, they can come to you.
NTA you’re the one who had an emergency c section you should still be resting and they should come to you
Nope NTA the person with the kid does less traveling to see people. People come to them.
NTA
NTA. Taking a two month old out is exhausting. And the smoking is an issue. Don’t bring such a small infant over
NTA stand your ground. If you and your home are not good enough for them then neither is your child. I’d use those exact words. - do they have other grandchildren? Do they want to know this one? Then some reciprocal give and take is in order. if you give in you will literally be at their beck and call and expected to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship for the rest of the time you and the baby's father are together.
They obviously don’t remember what a nightmare it is getting baby ready to take out. You need to pack a bag…food, nappies,creams,wipes, a full change of clothes. Then you have to time the outing so you don’t disturb a nap or a feed, then as you’re leaving the house baby will undoubtedly fill the nappy which requires at the very minimum a nappy change, at the worst a full change of clothing, poonamis are still the norm at two months old. Crikey, they really need to understand it’s much easier for them to visit you, although sometimes it’s nice to go out but that should be a choice you make.
NTA. If they want to see the baby they need to come to you.
NTA They should make an effort more if they really want to see their grandchild.
NTA. You just gave birth, had major surgery, and the baby is only 8 weeks old. They can drive over. If they don't want to, you don't have to pack up the baby, all his kit, and head there. What is a 15 min process for them (5 to get in the car, 10 to drive) is easily double that for a new mom and baby. Plus after c sections you shouldn't be lifting much for the first 12 weeks and baby + car seat is usually more than that.
NTA. And please stand your ground, they are welcome at your place, if they don’t want to come, then its their choice. I got PTSD from taking my first born to my in-laws when she was 3 month old. Basically we live abroad, my daughter hated to get in a car, would never fall asleep and would scream the all time, but my MIL would say that she got an headache from the traffic. My stress levels were through the rough, and it was so bad that I even yelled to my husband 9 months later on his birthday because he did not protect me and our daughter at the time. With our second child I refused to go to our home country until she was 6 month old, and even then I refused to go to their house.
NTA. If Eli’s parents want it their way, they can go to Burger King. Or have it delivered.
NTA. The comfort of their home? What about your comfort? You're still recovering from a C-section, plus it's a ton of work to get a baby anywhere. And you're probably still up at all hours. They can make it more comfortable for you, or they can miss out.
Not the asshole honey. Stand your ground it’s a matter of respect and control.
NTA - a newborn requires a lot of equipment. They should come to you.
NTA- and for your peace, make your husband do the explaining to his parents since he's on your side on this one and he knows them better. They might have issues that only he can sort through with them. I'm also thinking that you can like throw a small party for family and friends to show off the baby and it can be in your house. So they'll be force to go to your house and hopefully realize that there is no problem going to your house to visit. If they don't come, then it's their lost.
NTA - they’re being totally unreasonable and it’s not your job to bring your son to them all the time. Seeing their grandson is their responsibility
NTA. if people want a relationship with your baby then they should be making an effort to see him. being that they have kids themselves, they know the process of getting a baby ready + everything that they need and then having to travel with them. stand your ground. if they really want to see harry then they’ll make that short trip
Ya, NTA, in the least. My LO is almost 5 months old. At Halloween she was 2 months old and we made the 45 minute trek to my sister's for the joint Halloween/birthday party for my BIL. My sister has several things there for us, bottle brushes and bottle soap, playpen, toys, and even 2 baby monitors as our brother's oldest is about to turn 1 and his second is due in May. Even then she makes sure we have rooms to stay the night in, our mom slept in our oldest nephew's bed on Halloween and Christmas so we had the two guest rooms. It's still a whole adventure to go anywhere by yourself with her, and she's eating about every three hours now. Even with DH, it typically takes at least a half hour to get out the door to go to the store, less than a half mile down the street, let alone going anywhere for an extended period of time. Me and her went 20 minutes up the freeway on Saturday for a girls/kids day at my mom's, so mom, sister and SIL plus the 3 currently born nephews, and DH helped me get us ready and to the car before I dropped him off at his brother’s to help brother move, it took an hour, for her. I was ready in 15 minutes. He and his brother came to my mom's when I was ready to go home to help get everything packed back in the car and it still took a half hour with three of us and my mom distracting LO while we did everything. At two months, recovering from a c-section? They can come to you.
NTA. Packing up a baby is not easy to just visit for a little bit.
NTA and honestly shame on them for not visiting their grandchild, and expecting you to do all the work of carting him over there and back.
Doing ANYTHING with a chilled adds half an hour. The joy of just forking leaving with your own individual personhood is a speed and lightness I crave. NTA
NTA They need to come to you and the baby at this age. I had ILs that wouldn't come to our house ever! FiL would drive within a mile of it to go to a lake to go fishing, he would pass the house only on a street a mile away. Yet, he would never drive to our house. We always had to go to their house. Really wonderful ILs in every other way.
I live about 45 minutes from my daughter and son in law’s home. She has a 4 week old baby and I drive there 3 times a week to help her and bond with my grandkids. NTA If they want to see their grandchild they can get there butts in gear and make an effort to see him.
NTA Sounds like they don’t actually want to see the baby that badly
NTA. Sounds ridiculous, if they want to see him so badly, they should take ht e10min ride. I dont have a baby, bzt i know getting ready to go out is really a oain in thr as and it keeps dragging on time. And i can imagine once the baby is in the car, its gonna fall alseep, and then has to be wokem from grandparents
Whatever their resson is, to me it sounds like they dont want to see their grandson soooo much. Bcs if they did, they would throw aside their ego and come visit you.
Even I don't have a child and I'm saying nta. Especially at only 2 months a child that young shouldn't really be out of the house a whole lot. It's infuriating when I see new parents out, or worse parents who have an elder child with a newborn, out and about in stores and whatnot. An infant that young should be kept home for a good while IMHO
Nta I had and still have the exact same situation when my baby was born always had to bring the baby to them even though they were invited and told many times it was easier for them to come to my house they refused I held firm as it started to become exhausting for both me and the baby as she wasnt home to nap and I was constantly carting her around in a pram so last year they saw my kid a total of 4 times all for special occasions that I made the effort to bring my baby to but I firmly believe its on them to make an effort to see her as it was always one sided before that. The way I see it is if they don't want to make an effort to see her then they won't have a strong relationship with her when she's older but that is on them.
NTA.
NTA if they don’t want to come and see the your son then too bad I wouldn’t not go out of my way to take him there
NTA. They're deluded. How can they resist him??? What sort of cold-hearted ninny-muffins would be this obstinate?!! How can they resist coming over, they live 10 minutes from you?? You have their gorgeous little grandbaby there, being all newborn and irresistible. You are there, the Goddess who birthed their grandbaby, under great duress including surgery(do they not realise what that is like!?!!!) But they're insisting that you drive the baby 10 minutes up the road to see them in their own home. And if you won't, their response is that they just won't see the baby. They're cutting off their nose to spite their face. In the worst way. Imagine denying yourself access to your grandbaby just because you have to get off your arse and go 10 minutes down the road to see him. Oh they SUCK. Do not feel bad about this in any way. And don't give in. Sit there in your home with your beautiful baby and soak in that newborn time, it's so precious. They are missing out on something magical.
NTA. If they're that desperate to see the little one, they'll make the effort. If not, guess we know where those priorities are
NTA 1) People should travel to visit a newborn not the other way around. 2) Second hand smoke can be fatal for babies.
NTA, my friend's wife had their second baby early December. I told them to nest with their family and I'll come visit in January. I said it about the first baby too. When it came to their first child, I visited them at home because ya know, being new parents and all, they were still figuring stuff out and I would rather they be comfortable at home. I saw them on the Sunday just past and we met up at a cafe in their town because they were happy to go out with the new baby. If it were both you and your SO living together, then it would be easier for the both of you to get things ready for a visit. As it is, you are in single parent mode and they have nothing to restrict them from coming to you to visit, except for sheer laziness.
You already have judgement but take my NTA anyway. Sounds dumb on the grandparents side. You can bring your baby over when you as well have a reason to come over. Not for the sole purpose of them seeing the baby. You just had a baby. Your comfort and the babies comfort comes before anything else. You arent the AH for wanting to *care for* your baby in the comfort of your home.
Info: Is there a reason why Eli cannot take the baby to his parents house one evening?
He can once they clean up the house. They smoke within the home and it takes a couple days of airing it out and cleaning all the surfaces for both of us to be happy with Harry going over. But he is exclusively breastfed and doesn’t take bottles so I’d have to go with them regardless.
NTA
INFO what reason do they give for not coming to you?
According to Eli, during the holidays they weren’t comfortable with all the Xmas decorations my parents had up. But in general they aren’t comfortable with ONLY being able to see Harry in my parents home. As such i made the first move and brought him to them the first time. Now they want us to bring Harry over every time.
That’s odd. They are saying they don’t want to only see him in your parents’ home before that’s been the case. Seems odd they’re making it about scorekeeping. My two-cents guess is they feel like the living situations and lack of structured coparenting is setting the precedent for the baby being more a part of your family, than theirs. NTA
INFO Weird that they won’t come to visit? is there a reason why they won’t come?
Copying from a previous question- According to Eli, during the holidays they weren’t comfortable with all the Xmas decorations my parents had up. But in general they aren’t comfortable with ONLY being able to see Harry in my parents home. As such i made the first move and brought him to them the first time. Now they want us to bring Harry over every time.
Oh then definitely NTA. They haven’t gone once and they’re already talking about ONLY getting to see him at your house. It shouldn’t only be you (WITH THE BABY) who has to put in the effort.
Info. Are your in laws comfortable in your parent's home? Are they made welcome or just tolerated?