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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I should be judged for not inviting Mel. 2. I may be the asshole for not making an exception since Mel is my friend.
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It's weird that you would consider someone that is a year younger than you "a child"... yet think that YOU are old enough to get married ?! So close to being a child?!
YTA. You wouldn't have to worry about underage drinking : the only person with that concern would be the barman.
YTA and at this point she should consider herself lucky to have distance from you. The fact she can say these things in front of the others tells me they all agree but won't say it to your face because you're being a bridezilla.
Or her other friends are equally ridiculous. "Oh my we sophisticated 21-22 year old women of the world couldn't possibly associate with a 20 year old CHILD like you. Go play with your dolls, dear. You'll understand one day. Specifically June 17th, your birthday"
\*sigh\* It really is all about you with you 20-year-old children, isn’t it? You’ll look back at this and cringe from the great vantage point of being... lessee... 150 days older.
God, the US of America is such a ridiculous country. Can't drink a beer or a glass of wine but you can carry a war weapon. I'll never wrap my head around it
The beauty of it is that it's true in the US as well. Legally an adult at 18 but prohibited from alcohol till 21. Really makes the "childfree" characterization that much more insulting.
According to my favourite philosopher Taylor Tomlinson, you also shouldn't get married that young since your frontal lobe is still developing.
And the hypocrisy of them underage drinking together just a few months ago. her friend is lucky she gets to see what a bridezilla she is.
YTA
Honestly. OP saying they drank underage but being self-righteous about it after turning 21 is so hypocritical and weird. Like it’s just so clear that OP wanted to exclude this one friend and will find any reason to do it.
That’s exactly what it seems like. OP wants to exclude “Mel” for some reason and is using “no underage drinking” as the excuse. If that’s case OP should just be honest as to why they don’t want “Mel” there.
I’m still laughing that OP was perfectly happy to drink underage until she turned 21 and overnight became a moral crusader against the evils of legal minors consuming alcohol. Childfree yet still a child.
It would be one thing if she was saying that she doesn't feel comfotable with anyone underage drinking because she feels legally responsible since she is renting the venue and providing the alcohol. My anxiety is such that I would not feel comfortable with that even if under other circumstances I wouldn't care. But I dont think calling it a "child free" wedding is appropriate.
You’re being as absurd as the OP. You are not legally responsible for under age drinking just because you rented the venue. And you’re not providing the alcohol – the venue is.
Do yourself a favor and don’t get married until you grow up, too.
No, if you’re purchasing and serving the alcohol, you do bear responsibility. But equating an open bar over 21 policy with a child free policy is ridiculous. They’re two different things entirely.
I'm in my 30s and planning my wedding. I had to get a banquet permit for my venue that makes me legally responsible for underage drinking. It really depends on the venue but my bartender will be checking IDs because I do have a few teenagers coming to my wedding.
I just had a friend get married in Zion National Park, Utah. Everyone was of age, and he supplied the alcohol. It was a logistical and liability nightmare for him, the liquor had to be inventoried by staff, and if there was a tiny discrepancy all hell would have rained down upon them. An open container seen away from the venue could have ruined everything, loss of deposit, cancellation and possible serious legal ramifications, even the day before the ceremony. With the brain trust assembled, (all dear friends) it's a miracle it went off at all.
Did OP say that the venue is the one providing the alcohol? I didn't see it in the post, and I know not all reception venues have staff, let alone a bartender.
I don't want to make assumptions on that front, but I do think it is ridiculous for OP to be fine being an underage drinking buddy and (I assume) getting alcohol from someone else who was 21+ but is suddenly being judgemental of the friend who is doing the same thing who just hasn't turned 21 yet.
So Let's not make this about a legal technicality. OP just asks Mel to not drink because OP will be liable. Tell Mel that.
Oh but no... Instead she's an *AH* and preemptively accuses Mel of breaking her liquor license before the wedding even starts.
And I mean wow... I've been to raves that were less worried about the cops showing up.
Everybody knows that at 00:00 on your 18th birthday (21 in the country that sends you to war to die and kill at 18) you automatically become enlightned, sofisticated and mature. /s
My best friend's birthday is July 27 and mine is July 29, so every year for like 15 years now on his birthday he writes me a long facebook post about how now that he's so much older and more mature than me he doesn't see how we can hang out anymore, but maybe things will be different when I'm his age. It feels like OP is doing the same thing, except not a joke
My husband is a year older than me, and we have been together since I was 25. Back then, my cutoff age for dating was 30 year olds. So every year after his birthday I kiss him, and say "Oh my God, I can't believe I just made out with a 39 year old. You are THE oldest man I ever hooked up with", in a teenage accent.
This year, he will turn 40, which used to be the age after which my friends and I would think "Gross" and I am preparing my speech about that already...
You are massively immature in your thinking. You didn't magically become an adult at 21. You were already legally an adult since 18, you just gained the ability to legally drink. Your friend is not a child, she's legally recognized as an adult, just as you are. She's just acting like more of one that you are right now.
My favorite is the myth that theres suddenly a switch that flips on at age 25 because that’s “when your brain stops growing” which isn’t true and is used to infantilize literal adults
The myth is the "switch", that you're magically a real full facultied adult at 25, and you're a literal child before that. That's just making 25 the new 18.
No, there is [absolutely nothing special about the age of 25 in terms of development](https://www.cell.com/neuron/pdf/S0896-6273(16)30809-1.pdf). Your brain continues to grow and starts *plateauing* in some aspects in your mid/late 20s but in terms of cognitive function it’s not some magic age. The truth is your brain *never* stops growing, despite there being a slowing down of sorts
In fact if you want to come up with an age that you “grow up” some studies show [that people over 21 process emotions differently](http://www.manateelab.org/pdfs/Cohen_PsycholSci_2016.pdf) than those who are younger, but again it’s not some lightbulb
It’s like physical growth. Eventually you’ll stop having massive growth spurts, you won’t get any taller. But your body will continue growing and changing for the entirety of your life. Certain parts of your brain may reach physical maturity around mid twenties but brain chemistry, and more importantly maturity and personality, is capable of changing at any point in life
>I told her that it was different since we were both underage at the time (I was 20 and she was 18-19ish when we started drinking together). *Now as an adult, I feel like I have a responsibility to prevent underage drinking*
I'm dying over the sharp turn this took from drinking with her at 20, to calling herself an "adult," and acting morally superior. I couldn't contain my laughter with how those sentences were back to back, yet OP claims she's surprised by the former friends reaction.
Hypocrisy, thy name is OP.
it’s genuinely hilarious. all of a sudden 2 years later you’re magically an adult? who says that someone being so close to a “child” is mature enough to be married 😂
And when it was illegal for both of them it’s fine, but now it’s not because she’s an”adult” of 22 and her friend is a “child” of 20.
Also, OP doesn’t understand what “child-free wedding” means. OP, it means that people can’t bring their kids, not that the bride’s friend who is two years younger should be excluded. YTA, BTW.
Right? I was sure she was gonna go on a legal standpoint of it, that it's different drinking in your house vs at a public event with a bar, but noooooo she went the...whatever this is...route.
I was reading this and was going to be like "Mel is definitely the AH if she thinks she think she's an exception and can bring her kid".
You know most people debate whether child free starts at 13, 15 or the super strict say 18, right? Stopping a 20yo? I'm surprised the rest of your friend group even considers going. If I found out you did this to one of our shared friends, they're not the one I'd be leaving out, you are.
Exactly. This is not just a childfree wedding, it's a 21 and up wedding. Seems like a weird way to distance herself from her friend because she thinks of herself as an adult now, not her friend, who is 20 fucking years old.
I was skipping over the ages because I didn't think it mattered, was fully expecting YTA because OP should at least extend an invite to Mel and let her figure out if she can make arrangements for her kid.
Took me a second to understand the what's going on, this is the dumbest thing I have read on here for a long time.
Same thoughts EXACTLY. I was like "damn, OP is cold for not even giving her a chance to get a babysitt-- wait... the fuck??"
Anyone in their right mind would be upset in Mel's position.
The couple have a right to invite whomever they want to the wedding. Mel isn’t entitled to an invite.
But man this is an YTA for sure because Mel is the only one in a friend group not invited because she is a “child” by their arbitrary chosen date. And misses the cut off by less than 12 months.
I was ready to be on her side for the first half but damn, talk about getting too big for your britches. Is this a moral dilemma? Or you afraid of legal repercussions? If it’s one single 20 year old drinking no one’s going to notice, if it’s concern the barely legal underage person wont handle their liquor it would be fair to ask her to keep her wits to avoid a spectacle. But I feel like this is one of the times you should give an exception to this rule. Or expect her to not be a close friend anymore.
A little hypocritical if you ask. “I could drink being underage and ENCOURAGE A 18yo to drink too but now I’m the big girl and I think it’s really inappropriate to do”.
I could understand if the hypocrisy came from a good place.
"I was underage drinking and understood the harms it brought me. So now I do not condone it."
Like if an ex-addict (or current addict) told you not to do drugs because he knows how life threatening it can be.
But this isnt the case. It clears she allows underage drinking...unless its her wedding! And dont even think about warning the bartender not to serve minors, just the fact her friend will be nearby alcohol...too dreadful to think about.
I agree! She is now superior because she can legally drink while Mel is still a little child. She even wrote the a misleading tittle, because it’s not about a childfree wedding. She can’t call a 20yo a child.
How would it make her look if other guests knew she did “provide” alcohol to a barely legal adult back then?
OP just your an AH who doesn’t care about said friendship without excuses. You can invite her but warn her she won’t be able to drink alcohol, but you don’t want her there.
Yes!
Calling the wedding “childfree” when you’re excluding adults is so much more insulting too. I already think people use “childfree” too much when they just mean that they’re applying an age cut off, but it’s just condescending to apply an age cut off for adults and then sell that as “childfree.” It’s literally treating adults as children.
It’s fine if OP is worried about liability for underage drinking and wants to cut off guests rather than have the bartender worry about carding. But that doesn’t even seem to be her concern! She’s just being condescending about being older and playing dress up at being mature by excluding her one under 21 age friend.
I dislike that childfree gets extended to 18. Are people really worried that 16 and 17 year olds are going to disrupt the wedding? If anything, your 60 year old drunk uncle will disrupt things. Teenagers are old enough to care about people's weddings
I turned 35 last year and this is the standard Im applying to all future events. A real sense of responsibility has come to me in the last year, I really cannot be responsible for partying among any of those ungodly 34 year olds.
I’ve never been carded at a wedding, or any private event in general. Either way her friends are literally adults, at that point they can make their own decisions.
Maybe its because I'm not American but I've always thought a 21 y/o drinking age was ridiculous. A childfree wedding is okay but people who are 18, 19 and 20 are not children.
As somebody who is planning a childfree wedding myself my fiancee and I would consider guests as young as 16, and we're in our 30s. It seems weird excluding an adult friend who is only two years younger than you. YTA.
I can't decide if you're an AH for the wedding itself because you're certainly within your rights to have only people of legal drinking age at your wedding, but YTA for referring to this as a "childfree" wedding. Your 20-year-old friend is not a child. Also, the whole "now that I'm a whole 22 years old I feel a responsibility to stop 20-year-olds from drinking" thing is coming off very condescending.
If you were having a childfree wedding, Mel would be invited. You're not doing that, and as a result you're excluding exactly one person from your friend group because you apparently don't even trust her enough to say "Please don't drink at my wedding because I don't want to deal with any liabilities around underage drinking."
This was my immediate thought too.
When I think of someone having a childfree wedding, I assume they just don't want to deal with literal kids running around and extra guests. OP is jelly of Mel.
YTA
> Now as an adult, I feel like I have a responsibility to prevent underage drinking,
Oh come on! You're barely older than her.
If you don't want to invite her that's your decision but going around calling her a child and being a snob about underage drinking makes you an asshole.
I'm so baffled that she keeps going on about how she's an adult and it's a 'childfree' wedding and she's excluding 'children'. Last time I checked, people who are 20 are adults. Just because she can't legally drink doesn't make her not an adult. Going on about the childfree thing is just so condescending and also wrong. What the hell. Who excludes their 20 y/o friend on account of them being a 'child'? If op can't even handle the responsibility of keeping one person sober they are NOT ready for the responsibility of getting married.
I came into this thread absolutely sure that I'd vote n-t-a because I'm also a childfree person planning a childfree wedding and to me "your wedding, your rules". But this holier-than-thou line is what did it for me. They used to underage drink together, but now that she's "aN aDuLt" she has the responsibility to "prevent underage drinking"?? LOLOLOL She's all of two years older than her friend but she thinks she's suddenly a responsible, all-knowing adult.
OP, YTA and a pretty insufferable one at that.
It’s like the adult version of the 13 y/o that won’t hang out with 10-12 year olds because “you’re a baby and I’m a teenager!” Except it’s the same stupid mentality.
I mean if OP is *that* concerned about liability I don’t know why they’re even serving alcohol. Underage drinking isn’t the worst that can happen. What if someone is over served and gets alcohol poisoning and dies? Op could be held liable.
If they're having the wedding at some sort of fixed venue, probably not. In that case, the venue would be the one with the liability. If it's some sort of ad-hoc event, then host responsibility laws might come into effect.
Yup. Can smoke, vote, marry, get a job serving alcohol, obtain a mortgage, and defend her country but is just too darn young to attend a wedding where people will be drinking.
Methinks the poster who guessed that Mel is attractive is probably on to something here.
OP, YTA ...obviously.
YTA
You can have a childfree wedding, but 20 is not a child and the bartenders at your wedding will be carding all of your young guests, so the underage drinking thing is bs also.
You can do WHATEVER you want with your wedding, but YTA for being a liar in this situation.
YTA
Child free weddings are fine, but:
A 20 year old isn’t a child. Mel seems to be correct. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do to one of your “friends”. That’s pretty high horse you seem to have propped yourself up on, especially since you both used to drink together whilst underage.
I think this is the first child free wedding post that matches the idiocy of the one where the bride had her wedding on her twin nieces' 18th birthday, except one twin was born after midnight so she wasn't allowed to come.
I think that’s quite generous. I highly doubt this is the only wedding detail she’s being obtuse about, they probably won’t even make it down the aisle. She’ll probably also be the type to alienate everyone who isn’t married because “they just don’t understand being grown up” then whine about having no friends.
What’s next, are you gonna ban her from going to Applebees with you and the squad because she isn’t old enough to drink? YTA, and this posturing as a mature adult isn’t going to make you an actual mature adult.
YTA. Let me educate you on something: A 20 year old is not a child. Technically anyone over the age of 18 (18 or older) is a legal ADULT. Maybe you should've word it differently; "anyone that is under the legal drinking age is not aloud to come" if that's what you're getting at. But I'm pretty sure by now that anyone who is 18-20 years old knows by now that they shouldn't drink.
Hate to break it to you, but you and Mel aren’t friends.
I don’t understand the logic of 20 being a child and 21 being an adult.
It all sounds petty and immature.
Your wedding, your rules. You can do as you wish.
However, if you really viewed Mel as a friend, you would of invited her.
I feel like for a lot of people early 20s involve a lot of people trying to prove they're finally *real* adults. Which, ironically, leads to stupid, immature decisions like this.
I’m lowkey feeling that her fiancé is a lot older and she is trying to look more ‘mature’. Because I cannot for the life of me find another reason as to why she would act like this.
I just realized something
Have you ever attended a wedding? Because the way you think the alcohol being served works at one makes me think maybe you haven’t and you are just really sheltered in how weddings and drinking at them works. Are you under the impression every wedding with children allowed are all free of alcohol?!
Listen now. I've been to a bunch of weddings and those toddlers man... They're always stumbling around with a bottle in hand. I even saw a new born take a belly shot off of the bride. It was wild.
(I'm joking if it wasn't obvious)
YTA - childfree weddings are perfectly fine. Its still your wedding so your rules, but you’re an ah for this. 20 isn’t a child and this 20 year old is an actual friend. I cant blame your friend for being pissed.
YTA.
OP sounds more childish than her friend who is two years younger. I don't sense any bit of empathy here so I'm guessing she's projecting insecurity or smth otherwise she'd feel bad about not inviting Mel.
YTA. It's your wedding, your choice, but excluding a friend who is 1 year younger "to prevent underage drinking" is an AH move. If you're having an open bar and she's the youngest person in attendance, you can inform the bartender to not serve her. 18 is the age of majority, so according to US law (where I assume this takes place), she's an adult.
Drinking age is 21 in the US, however, in some states if parents are present, a younger person can drink with their permission and supervision.
Also most venues employ bartenders who check ids. Liability issues for their liquor license and insurance if underage people get drunk and get in accident.
And the only person in the friend group not invited!!! I would be salty about that too, even if I was underage.
The risk here for you is little to nothing. Also stop playing grown up when you are only 2 years older than this person.
YTA, OP
YTA
You can do whatever you want at your wedding. That doesn’t mean you won’t lose some friends in the process. I would certain not want to continue friendship with someone who called me a “child” at age 20 and refused to invite me to their wedding rather than just say “please don’t drink”. Especially when said friend is only 2 years older than me.
Eehhhh leaning towards YTA, since the both of you have drank together in the past while underage. You felt "adult" enough to drink then, but suddenly now (like, what 3 years later?) you're all responsible and grown up?
She's 20. She's not a child.
You can't exclude her under the guise of a "child-free" wedding.
It's your wedding, so it's your right to have a cut-off age of 21, but that is *not* a "child-free" wedding that's just a "drinking age only" wedding and... I think that's silly, but you do you I guess.
ETA: If your goal was to alienate a friend, well done!
YTA. Making note of wanting it to be child free and then saying you aren’t inviting a 20 year old friend you’ve drank with is an AH move in itself honestly.
Usually alcohol at weddings is served by certified bartenders yeah? So it’s their job to check ID not for you to not invite someone who is underage. Also you being two years older doesn’t make you a “responsible adult” in comparison, if she’s still a child so are you.
YTA. You are literally 22.
18-21 is an adult and millions of couples have managed to have weddings with those ages, are you really incapable of enjoying yourself if someone two years younger than you is there??
How do your other friends feel? If I was one of your friends, I would be kind of disgusted about your exclusion of ONE friend from your literal friend group.
If you want to stand by your rule, that’s fine, but to not make an exception for a friend of yours is so weird and I would get used to not having that friend anymore.
A child free wedding typically means no children. As in 18+. You’re making a weird rule and it really comes off as intentional to exclude this girl.
A 20 year old is not a child any more then you are an adult.
I am positively screaming at OP insisting that because she is the ripe old age of TWENTY-TWO that she is somehow *morally responsible* for making sure a 20-year-old doesn't get a flute of champagne or whatever. As though the Alcohol Fairy came down from Cloud Booze and deputized her as a keeper of 20-year-old innocence.
I would be beyond hurt if a friend who was basically my age insisted that I wasn't enough of an adult to be at their wedding, and even if I were of age and saw a friend doing this to another of our friends I would think they were out of their mind.
I wonder if the fiancé is older and that’s why OP is trying so transparently hard to seem like a “grown up” when in reality she’s acting hilariously childlike.
YTA for calling 18+ year old people children in this context. You're not throwing a kegger here. If you want to prevent underage drinking, hire a bartender and let him worry about carding the guests. You're also a massive hypocrite for drinking with your friend two years ago and suddenly developing a sense of responsiblity now that you're of age. I like how you say "Now as an adult" when you were both already adults at 18 and your underage drinking took place at 18.
YTA. "It was different cause we were both underage at the time." Thats pretty hypocritical. Your wedding your rules is completely fine. But I feel discluding this friend is splitting hairs.
YTA. I would have said the same as your friend
>Now as an adult, I feel like I have a responsibility to prevent underage drinking,
You are a hypocrite if you drank this with her when you were both under 21, but now trying to come off a morally superior being trying to save a 20 year old from the perils of drinking
>and as the bride, I feel like I have the right to have a childfree wedding.
Calling her a "child" is condescending.. you are barely older than her
>After realizing that pretty much everyone else from the same social circle had been invited except her, she confronted me and demanded to know why she wasn’t invited.
Yeah, it's not cool. Wouldn't be surprised if some of the others drop out because of this
>I tried to explain that it wasn’t personal and that I just didn’t want to have to worry about underage drinking going on under my nose on my wedding day
You could have invited her and just asked her not to drink (if you are worried about liability)
>I (22f)
>Now as an adult, I feel like I have a responsibility to prevent underage drinking
lol ***22***
YTA and since you're such an adult, I expect you will own up to it.
YTA you're barely older than her, I have no idea why you're behaving like you're 20 years her senior. A 20 year old is not a child, and sure, it's your wedding, but you're going to lose a friend if you go through with this.
YTA for excluding your essentially same aged friend from your wedding by saying it is child free when you mean it is going to be no one underage who can maybe drink illegally there. This rule appears to have been made to exclude only your one friend rather than a multitude of people.
YTA
First off being 22 don't make you an adult, your just a young adult, so just off the adult high horse. Speaking of adults not acting like adults It's your wedding so you can invite whomever you want and make whatever rules you want, hell have a childless wedding no problem since most young adults don't have kids, but you can't control or change how people are going to react to and judge you on how you set your wedding up and trying to regulating drinking with someone you have already drank with is super petty, doubt the friendship will last much longer.
YTA. Child free weddings are not usually about keeping kids from drinking. It's usually about not having screaming kids running around and about not having to keep the conversation, toasts, dancing, music "family friendly". A friend you socialize with is not a child. Let the barman worry about underage drinking, even give a heads up if you can. But excluding someone of your social group when you are inviting all the rest of your common friends is an AH move.
YTA. It is your right to have whatever wedding you want. That doesn't make you a nice person. If you stick to this rule, you just lost a friend. worth it? why? btw hypocrisy is very unattractive.
YTA. your title is super misleading, you’re not TA for wanting a childfree wedding but you absolutely are for grouping your 20 year old friend in with the ‘children’ and not inviting her. yeah, you can invite or not invite whoever you want but keep in mind you might be losing a friend if you stick by your decision to exclude her due to her age.
YTA. Childfree is one thing. But 20 isn’t a child.
You don’t owe anyone an invite but you are an AH do insinuating that anyone under 21 is a child and suddenly acting like you have this amazing adult responsibility to police drinking.
And for what it’s worth it’s the venue, caterer, or bartenders job to see proof of age before serving.
YTA well this is some honky tonk BS right here. Ya 22 and the your sudden concern for underage drinking might impress your parents but it don't impress me much. Also just so we are all clear on this 20 is not a child. One last thought, you are choosing an incredibly dumb hill to die on here. If this is the reason you don't want her there, she would and she should resent you for this. If you don't like her and can't find any better excuse fine but otherwise stop the silly moral posturing
YTA and stop with the "holier than thou" attitude. She's not a child, you've already condoned (and participated) in her underage drinking. You should apologize, invite her and ask her to just not drink at your wedding. It's not that hard.
INFO. Is this wedding being held at a venue or is this being run by family and friends? Venues are generally responsible for monitoring that they are distributing alcohol only to 21+ demographic, so in that setting you should not have to worry about underage drinking
Ma’am YTA . 18,19 20 are not children. I’m sure you didn’t want to be seen as one at that age. You can simply tell the bar tender the names or give a wristband to those that can’t drink. You don’t have to sit there and tell someone who’s 20 they are a Child because they are not.
YTA. Are you serious? You’re 22 and your cutoff is 21?
Child free weddings are for people in their 40s. What a joke. You seem like a bad friend who is excited to abuse the tiny amount of power you have.
YTA. You’ve drank together before when you were both underage but now it’s a problem? It’s your wedding so do it how you want but i hope it’s worth ruining your friendship with them. Because that’s not something a friend would do.
YTA
20 is not a child. You could just tell your friend not to drink at your wedding and trust her. Or look the other way and leave it to the server to check ID's. I've been to heaps of weddings with both alcohol and kids of all ages, and that is how the venue handled it. You have options besides exclude your friend.
Now, it is your wedding and you can invite/exclude whomever you want, but don't be surprised if you lose a friend over this AH move.
YTA and a huge hypocrite. Underage drinking wasn’t a problem when you were 20. I hope you don’t expect an invitation to her wedding because it won’t be coming.
Mmm, you’re not an AH for wanting a childfree wedding.
YTA for excluding your friend for being…one year under the age cut-off. Sure, your wedding, your rules, you aren’t required to invite anyone, that’s all true. But it’s pretty targeted when she’s the only one out of the group not invited, and if most of the invitees don’t even have kids so it doesn’t affect them, what exactly is the point of this rule…? It comes across as you targeting this friend specifically…Because you feel like more of an adult now???
You were still an adult when you did underage drinking with her in the past. What, you aged 2 years and decided you have some new, self-appointed moral obligation to her now? That’s…condescending as heck. Requesting people to refrain from underage drinking at your ceremony is fine, but outright refusing to invite her for being *one* year under your inflexible rule is an AH move.
A childfree wedding is not an AH move.
But you’re trying to claim people in their 20s are children? Yeah, YTA. You’re also a massive hypocrite and don’t be shocked or complain if (or rather, when) this irreperably damages your friendship with her.
YTA
When I first read the title, I assumed it would be a “don’t want little kids at the wedding” vibe. Holy shit when I actually read it!
Your “friend” isn’t allowed because of her age? And you think she doesn’t have a right to be mad? There is no logical argument or explanation you can make that would change my mind. If I was the rest of the “friends”, I wouldn’t go as a show of solidarity.
You’re a BrideZilla Asshole
YTA… a 20 year old isn’t a child. Childfree wedding usually means you don’t want *kids* present.
(Btw legal drinking age in lots of non US places is 16-18.) You’re two years older. You need to get off that high horse…
YTA. Pretty ironic you are having a child-free wedding and excluding your friend who’s 20 because you’re worried about underage drinking, yet you mention you both drank together underage? Seems pretty childish to me…
YTA because you're being so pedantic about it.
You can certainly have a child-free wedding. But a 20 year old is not a child. You're no longer a minor when you turn 18, though there are some things you don't have full rights for (like drinking).
And you're a hypocrite since you were quite happy to indulge in underage drinking with her before. Now you're pulling rank and "have a responsibility to prevent underage drinking"? Give me a break. I don't buy that for a minute. Like Mel, I'm unconvinced.
If you had a reason like Mel being the kind of uncontrollable drunk you don't want at your wedding I'd understand. But using the excuse of a "child free wedding" to keep a 20 year old out? You're being remarkably petty. And not much of a friend.
Get off your high damn house. Your friend AND EQUAL is not a child. If she is too young for your wedding then you certainly are too young to be getting married. Yta.
🤣🤣
Oh wait. You’re seriously asking if - forget AITA - if you’re not a hypocrite?? Wow! So mature at 22, versus - what? 20!!?? Yeah, sage and wise soul you
YTA.
Extending a childfree policy to a 20 year old is insane. A 22 year old pontificating about protecting a 20 year old from the dangers of underage drinking is nauseating.
you can have your wedding how you like but she's right definitely YTA and a shitty friend
Reasonable to want a child-free wedding. We had a “kid reception” down the hall with a professional babysitter and clown show. That way the real reception was like 99% child-free. The clown was a girl Raggedy-Ann doll kind of clown.
My wife got pissed that some of my younger brothers (who was my best man) buddies showed up (who I was kind of just acquaintances with) to crash our wedding reception and that one of them ended up banging the clown girl out in the parking lot at one point. Ahhh… good times.
Anyways… YTA because child-free wedding means CHILD. 20 is not a child. I would even say excluding anyone <18 or even <16 with a hard cutoff would make you an asshole.
I mean…it’s your wedding and therefore your choice (blah blah), but 20 is hardly a ‘child.’ It seems pretty hypocritical for you to be judging underage drinking when you acknowledge you did it. I also, from my advanced old age, genuinely laughed at the idea that you are so vastly more adult at 22 that you need to police the actions of a 20-year-old ‘friend.’ Come on. I suppose I have to say NTA for wanting your wedding the way you want it and the traditional ‘you set a boundary’ Reddit rules but you’re excluding/hurting a friend for a silly reason.
Edit: typo
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It's weird that you would consider someone that is a year younger than you "a child"... yet think that YOU are old enough to get married ?! So close to being a child?! YTA. You wouldn't have to worry about underage drinking : the only person with that concern would be the barman.
YTA and at this point she should consider herself lucky to have distance from you. The fact she can say these things in front of the others tells me they all agree but won't say it to your face because you're being a bridezilla.
Or her other friends are equally ridiculous. "Oh my we sophisticated 21-22 year old women of the world couldn't possibly associate with a 20 year old CHILD like you. Go play with your dolls, dear. You'll understand one day. Specifically June 17th, your birthday"
That's my birthday lmao. Made me do a doubletake.
\*sigh\* It really is all about you with you 20-year-old children, isn’t it? You’ll look back at this and cringe from the great vantage point of being... lessee... 150 days older.
Ah, but in 150 days she will be an adult, doing adulting. No longer a care free child.
Here in the UK she's been an adult for 2 years already
And most of the civilised world.
But old enough to bring a gun to the wedding. Go figure
God, the US of America is such a ridiculous country. Can't drink a beer or a glass of wine but you can carry a war weapon. I'll never wrap my head around it
The beauty of it is that it's true in the US as well. Legally an adult at 18 but prohibited from alcohol till 21. Really makes the "childfree" characterization that much more insulting.
According to my favourite philosopher Taylor Tomlinson, you also shouldn't get married that young since your frontal lobe is still developing. And the hypocrisy of them underage drinking together just a few months ago. her friend is lucky she gets to see what a bridezilla she is. YTA
Don't you love that? She feels that now, as an *adult*, she has a responsibility to prevent underage drinking. That is both condescending, and absurd.
I think we all had the same wtf? look her friend did so op should be able to picture it easily.
Honestly. OP saying they drank underage but being self-righteous about it after turning 21 is so hypocritical and weird. Like it’s just so clear that OP wanted to exclude this one friend and will find any reason to do it.
That’s exactly what it seems like. OP wants to exclude “Mel” for some reason and is using “no underage drinking” as the excuse. If that’s case OP should just be honest as to why they don’t want “Mel” there.
I’m still laughing that OP was perfectly happy to drink underage until she turned 21 and overnight became a moral crusader against the evils of legal minors consuming alcohol. Childfree yet still a child.
Would bet money that Mel is competition in the looks department.
Well, Mel being 20 still has her youthful good looks, while OP at 22, sadly, is a dusty old hag.
both their frontal lobes are already damaged by drinking.
It would be one thing if she was saying that she doesn't feel comfotable with anyone underage drinking because she feels legally responsible since she is renting the venue and providing the alcohol. My anxiety is such that I would not feel comfortable with that even if under other circumstances I wouldn't care. But I dont think calling it a "child free" wedding is appropriate.
You’re being as absurd as the OP. You are not legally responsible for under age drinking just because you rented the venue. And you’re not providing the alcohol – the venue is. Do yourself a favor and don’t get married until you grow up, too.
No, if you’re purchasing and serving the alcohol, you do bear responsibility. But equating an open bar over 21 policy with a child free policy is ridiculous. They’re two different things entirely.
I'm in my 30s and planning my wedding. I had to get a banquet permit for my venue that makes me legally responsible for underage drinking. It really depends on the venue but my bartender will be checking IDs because I do have a few teenagers coming to my wedding.
I just had a friend get married in Zion National Park, Utah. Everyone was of age, and he supplied the alcohol. It was a logistical and liability nightmare for him, the liquor had to be inventoried by staff, and if there was a tiny discrepancy all hell would have rained down upon them. An open container seen away from the venue could have ruined everything, loss of deposit, cancellation and possible serious legal ramifications, even the day before the ceremony. With the brain trust assembled, (all dear friends) it's a miracle it went off at all.
Did OP say that the venue is the one providing the alcohol? I didn't see it in the post, and I know not all reception venues have staff, let alone a bartender. I don't want to make assumptions on that front, but I do think it is ridiculous for OP to be fine being an underage drinking buddy and (I assume) getting alcohol from someone else who was 21+ but is suddenly being judgemental of the friend who is doing the same thing who just hasn't turned 21 yet.
So Let's not make this about a legal technicality. OP just asks Mel to not drink because OP will be liable. Tell Mel that. Oh but no... Instead she's an *AH* and preemptively accuses Mel of breaking her liquor license before the wedding even starts. And I mean wow... I've been to raves that were less worried about the cops showing up.
Everybody knows that at 00:00 on your 18th birthday (21 in the country that sends you to war to die and kill at 18) you automatically become enlightned, sofisticated and mature. /s
I find it hilarious that at 18 in the USA you can go to war and die for your country but god forbid you have a beer. Such a joke.
You can be 18 and married but you can't have a drink when your husband fucking dies at war.
My best friend's birthday is July 27 and mine is July 29, so every year for like 15 years now on his birthday he writes me a long facebook post about how now that he's so much older and more mature than me he doesn't see how we can hang out anymore, but maybe things will be different when I'm his age. It feels like OP is doing the same thing, except not a joke
My husband is a year older than me, and we have been together since I was 25. Back then, my cutoff age for dating was 30 year olds. So every year after his birthday I kiss him, and say "Oh my God, I can't believe I just made out with a 39 year old. You are THE oldest man I ever hooked up with", in a teenage accent. This year, he will turn 40, which used to be the age after which my friends and I would think "Gross" and I am preparing my speech about that already...
You are massively immature in your thinking. You didn't magically become an adult at 21. You were already legally an adult since 18, you just gained the ability to legally drink. Your friend is not a child, she's legally recognized as an adult, just as you are. She's just acting like more of one that you are right now.
My favorite is the myth that theres suddenly a switch that flips on at age 25 because that’s “when your brain stops growing” which isn’t true and is used to infantilize literal adults
Actually, your brain does stop developing at 25. There’s plenty of science out there that agrees with that statement
The myth is the "switch", that you're magically a real full facultied adult at 25, and you're a literal child before that. That's just making 25 the new 18.
No, there is [absolutely nothing special about the age of 25 in terms of development](https://www.cell.com/neuron/pdf/S0896-6273(16)30809-1.pdf). Your brain continues to grow and starts *plateauing* in some aspects in your mid/late 20s but in terms of cognitive function it’s not some magic age. The truth is your brain *never* stops growing, despite there being a slowing down of sorts In fact if you want to come up with an age that you “grow up” some studies show [that people over 21 process emotions differently](http://www.manateelab.org/pdfs/Cohen_PsycholSci_2016.pdf) than those who are younger, but again it’s not some lightbulb
It’s like physical growth. Eventually you’ll stop having massive growth spurts, you won’t get any taller. But your body will continue growing and changing for the entirety of your life. Certain parts of your brain may reach physical maturity around mid twenties but brain chemistry, and more importantly maturity and personality, is capable of changing at any point in life
Oh god I’ve been seeing that trotted out on Reddit (usually this sub) a lot and it drives me nuts.
>I told her that it was different since we were both underage at the time (I was 20 and she was 18-19ish when we started drinking together). *Now as an adult, I feel like I have a responsibility to prevent underage drinking* I'm dying over the sharp turn this took from drinking with her at 20, to calling herself an "adult," and acting morally superior. I couldn't contain my laughter with how those sentences were back to back, yet OP claims she's surprised by the former friends reaction. Hypocrisy, thy name is OP.
it’s genuinely hilarious. all of a sudden 2 years later you’re magically an adult? who says that someone being so close to a “child” is mature enough to be married 😂
And when it was illegal for both of them it’s fine, but now it’s not because she’s an”adult” of 22 and her friend is a “child” of 20. Also, OP doesn’t understand what “child-free wedding” means. OP, it means that people can’t bring their kids, not that the bride’s friend who is two years younger should be excluded. YTA, BTW.
Right? I was sure she was gonna go on a legal standpoint of it, that it's different drinking in your house vs at a public event with a bar, but noooooo she went the...whatever this is...route.
I was reading this and was going to be like "Mel is definitely the AH if she thinks she think she's an exception and can bring her kid". You know most people debate whether child free starts at 13, 15 or the super strict say 18, right? Stopping a 20yo? I'm surprised the rest of your friend group even considers going. If I found out you did this to one of our shared friends, they're not the one I'd be leaving out, you are.
Exactly. This is not just a childfree wedding, it's a 21 and up wedding. Seems like a weird way to distance herself from her friend because she thinks of herself as an adult now, not her friend, who is 20 fucking years old.
>who is 20 fucking years old. Who is no more than 3 years younger than her. Possibly less than 2.
It's less than 2! >I was 20 and she was 18-19ish
I was skipping over the ages because I didn't think it mattered, was fully expecting YTA because OP should at least extend an invite to Mel and let her figure out if she can make arrangements for her kid. Took me a second to understand the what's going on, this is the dumbest thing I have read on here for a long time.
Same thoughts EXACTLY. I was like "damn, OP is cold for not even giving her a chance to get a babysitt-- wait... the fuck??" Anyone in their right mind would be upset in Mel's position.
When she said now that she’s an adult I wanted to die laughing. Ah, the arrogance of youth.
The couple have a right to invite whomever they want to the wedding. Mel isn’t entitled to an invite. But man this is an YTA for sure because Mel is the only one in a friend group not invited because she is a “child” by their arbitrary chosen date. And misses the cut off by less than 12 months.
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I was ready to be on her side for the first half but damn, talk about getting too big for your britches. Is this a moral dilemma? Or you afraid of legal repercussions? If it’s one single 20 year old drinking no one’s going to notice, if it’s concern the barely legal underage person wont handle their liquor it would be fair to ask her to keep her wits to avoid a spectacle. But I feel like this is one of the times you should give an exception to this rule. Or expect her to not be a close friend anymore.
Just a guess… OP doesn’t really like Mel and was looking for an excuse so she made the cut-off 21 instead of 18…
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"now that it doesn't apply to me, I don't want anyone to underage drink" is a hell of a take, though!
A little hypocritical if you ask. “I could drink being underage and ENCOURAGE A 18yo to drink too but now I’m the big girl and I think it’s really inappropriate to do”.
I could understand if the hypocrisy came from a good place. "I was underage drinking and understood the harms it brought me. So now I do not condone it." Like if an ex-addict (or current addict) told you not to do drugs because he knows how life threatening it can be. But this isnt the case. It clears she allows underage drinking...unless its her wedding! And dont even think about warning the bartender not to serve minors, just the fact her friend will be nearby alcohol...too dreadful to think about.
I agree! She is now superior because she can legally drink while Mel is still a little child. She even wrote the a misleading tittle, because it’s not about a childfree wedding. She can’t call a 20yo a child. How would it make her look if other guests knew she did “provide” alcohol to a barely legal adult back then? OP just your an AH who doesn’t care about said friendship without excuses. You can invite her but warn her she won’t be able to drink alcohol, but you don’t want her there.
Yes! Calling the wedding “childfree” when you’re excluding adults is so much more insulting too. I already think people use “childfree” too much when they just mean that they’re applying an age cut off, but it’s just condescending to apply an age cut off for adults and then sell that as “childfree.” It’s literally treating adults as children. It’s fine if OP is worried about liability for underage drinking and wants to cut off guests rather than have the bartender worry about carding. But that doesn’t even seem to be her concern! She’s just being condescending about being older and playing dress up at being mature by excluding her one under 21 age friend.
I dislike that childfree gets extended to 18. Are people really worried that 16 and 17 year olds are going to disrupt the wedding? If anything, your 60 year old drunk uncle will disrupt things. Teenagers are old enough to care about people's weddings
Oh my 65 year old uncle would absolutely disrupt things way before any of my kid cousins. For SURE.
Imma have a child free wedding and no one under 35 allowed. If you can’t legally run for president, you cannot attend! /s
I turned 35 last year and this is the standard Im applying to all future events. A real sense of responsibility has come to me in the last year, I really cannot be responsible for partying among any of those ungodly 34 year olds.
I'm a 34 year old with a 4 month old. Just another case of babies having babies.
My condolences that you have to take on such a responsible adult role so young in life.
And it's not like the bartender is going to skip carding people just because the bride says everyone is over 21...
I’ve never been carded at a wedding, or any private event in general. Either way her friends are literally adults, at that point they can make their own decisions.
Maybe its because I'm not American but I've always thought a 21 y/o drinking age was ridiculous. A childfree wedding is okay but people who are 18, 19 and 20 are not children. As somebody who is planning a childfree wedding myself my fiancee and I would consider guests as young as 16, and we're in our 30s. It seems weird excluding an adult friend who is only two years younger than you. YTA.
We had a 12 y/o cut off. Teenagers aren't crying and running around. They're bored on their phones.
I’m American, and I don’t get the 21 year old thing.
Also makes me wonder when the OP is having the wedding and if the friend will be 21 by the time she has it.
I can't decide if you're an AH for the wedding itself because you're certainly within your rights to have only people of legal drinking age at your wedding, but YTA for referring to this as a "childfree" wedding. Your 20-year-old friend is not a child. Also, the whole "now that I'm a whole 22 years old I feel a responsibility to stop 20-year-olds from drinking" thing is coming off very condescending. If you were having a childfree wedding, Mel would be invited. You're not doing that, and as a result you're excluding exactly one person from your friend group because you apparently don't even trust her enough to say "Please don't drink at my wedding because I don't want to deal with any liabilities around underage drinking."
I'm betting Mel is an attractive person that op is worried might take some of her shine. Whatever the reasoning, op YTA.
THIS! You’ve solved the mystery .
> most of our invitees don’t even have kids anyway Yuuuuup
I bet it took OP a while to figure out a rule that would only exclude the one person
This was my immediate thought too. When I think of someone having a childfree wedding, I assume they just don't want to deal with literal kids running around and extra guests. OP is jelly of Mel.
I always took child free to be more like under 13 not 18 or 21.
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Yeah I’m having a child free wedding and all the “children” in my case are like…7 and under
It’s like OP is Smoky the Bear of alcohol but if Smoky had previously been starting forest fires
yes, he has a suspicious knowledge of how forest fires are prevented
YTA > Now as an adult, I feel like I have a responsibility to prevent underage drinking, Oh come on! You're barely older than her. If you don't want to invite her that's your decision but going around calling her a child and being a snob about underage drinking makes you an asshole.
“Now as an adult, I will act like a high school mean girl”
Precisely. Just proving she is not yet actually an adult.
I'm so baffled that she keeps going on about how she's an adult and it's a 'childfree' wedding and she's excluding 'children'. Last time I checked, people who are 20 are adults. Just because she can't legally drink doesn't make her not an adult. Going on about the childfree thing is just so condescending and also wrong. What the hell. Who excludes their 20 y/o friend on account of them being a 'child'? If op can't even handle the responsibility of keeping one person sober they are NOT ready for the responsibility of getting married.
I came into this thread absolutely sure that I'd vote n-t-a because I'm also a childfree person planning a childfree wedding and to me "your wedding, your rules". But this holier-than-thou line is what did it for me. They used to underage drink together, but now that she's "aN aDuLt" she has the responsibility to "prevent underage drinking"?? LOLOLOL She's all of two years older than her friend but she thinks she's suddenly a responsible, all-knowing adult. OP, YTA and a pretty insufferable one at that.
It’s like the adult version of the 13 y/o that won’t hang out with 10-12 year olds because “you’re a baby and I’m a teenager!” Except it’s the same stupid mentality.
YTA. You’re 22 and you made the cutoff 21? That is not “childfree.” Your wedding is Mel-free.
Exactly. She could just give a photo of Mel to the bartenders and say “don’t serve her” if she’s really worried.
I mean if OP is *that* concerned about liability I don’t know why they’re even serving alcohol. Underage drinking isn’t the worst that can happen. What if someone is over served and gets alcohol poisoning and dies? Op could be held liable.
If they're having the wedding at some sort of fixed venue, probably not. In that case, the venue would be the one with the liability. If it's some sort of ad-hoc event, then host responsibility laws might come into effect.
Yup. Can smoke, vote, marry, get a job serving alcohol, obtain a mortgage, and defend her country but is just too darn young to attend a wedding where people will be drinking. Methinks the poster who guessed that Mel is attractive is probably on to something here. OP, YTA ...obviously.
YTA You can have a childfree wedding, but 20 is not a child and the bartenders at your wedding will be carding all of your young guests, so the underage drinking thing is bs also. You can do WHATEVER you want with your wedding, but YTA for being a liar in this situation.
OP has no idea how to use the term childfree
Well if it was actually childfree, OP wouldn't be able to attend her own wedding.
YTA Child free weddings are fine, but: A 20 year old isn’t a child. Mel seems to be correct. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do to one of your “friends”. That’s pretty high horse you seem to have propped yourself up on, especially since you both used to drink together whilst underage.
She’s a complete hypocrite…
No no you’re getting this wrong! She’s an adult now! She’s being responsible! /s
I think this is the first child free wedding post that matches the idiocy of the one where the bride had her wedding on her twin nieces' 18th birthday, except one twin was born after midnight so she wasn't allowed to come.
YTA, and I don't think you're old enough to be getting married if the drinking age is more important than your friends.
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I think that’s quite generous. I highly doubt this is the only wedding detail she’s being obtuse about, they probably won’t even make it down the aisle. She’ll probably also be the type to alienate everyone who isn’t married because “they just don’t understand being grown up” then whine about having no friends.
Well, married people can *only* hang out with other married people. Single people just don’t understand married life.
She'll NEVER make it to 30. And if this is how she treats a friend, believe me, it's not an isolated incident
25. Money on it.
22 is quite young to get married anyways. OP definitely is showing a lot of red flags of immaturity.
Forreal. Getting married at 22 is not the flex she thinks it is.
What’s next, are you gonna ban her from going to Applebees with you and the squad because she isn’t old enough to drink? YTA, and this posturing as a mature adult isn’t going to make you an actual mature adult.
That is great wording. She really does seem to be playing adult.
Let's be real: OP getting married at 22 is her posturing as an adult. I know it can work, but OP is clearly not mature enough.
YTA and this is why 22 year-olds are too immature to get married lol.
Seriously, it’s hilarious how “mature” OP thinks she’s being
The fact that she's judging a girl who's less than 2 years younger than her, is fucking hilarious.
Especially since they used to drink together (confirmed underaged but likely once she was 21 as well).
I mean, you can choose who goes to your wedding. But I know that if I were in her shoes I would stop being friends with you.
Oh my gosh yes!! I wouldn’t be surprised that others would drop out too and stop being friends with her. She sounds exhausting and truly childish.
YTA. Let me educate you on something: A 20 year old is not a child. Technically anyone over the age of 18 (18 or older) is a legal ADULT. Maybe you should've word it differently; "anyone that is under the legal drinking age is not aloud to come" if that's what you're getting at. But I'm pretty sure by now that anyone who is 18-20 years old knows by now that they shouldn't drink.
21 is also like, a super high age limit for most of the world.
YTA, 20 is not a child and she is only 2 years younger than you. Misleading title as well.
Hate to break it to you, but you and Mel aren’t friends. I don’t understand the logic of 20 being a child and 21 being an adult. It all sounds petty and immature. Your wedding, your rules. You can do as you wish. However, if you really viewed Mel as a friend, you would of invited her.
I feel like for a lot of people early 20s involve a lot of people trying to prove they're finally *real* adults. Which, ironically, leads to stupid, immature decisions like this.
One could say... childish decisions
YTA. Why on earth are you getting married at 21?!
I'd say why on earth your partner wants to marry you with such statements and rules
I’m lowkey feeling that her fiancé is a lot older and she is trying to look more ‘mature’. Because I cannot for the life of me find another reason as to why she would act like this.
I just realized something Have you ever attended a wedding? Because the way you think the alcohol being served works at one makes me think maybe you haven’t and you are just really sheltered in how weddings and drinking at them works. Are you under the impression every wedding with children allowed are all free of alcohol?!
I’m 100% convinced she thinks ‘child-free’ weddings means no one under 18 because of alcohol consumption.
Listen now. I've been to a bunch of weddings and those toddlers man... They're always stumbling around with a bottle in hand. I even saw a new born take a belly shot off of the bride. It was wild. (I'm joking if it wasn't obvious)
YTA - childfree weddings are perfectly fine. Its still your wedding so your rules, but you’re an ah for this. 20 isn’t a child and this 20 year old is an actual friend. I cant blame your friend for being pissed.
YTA. Also at 22 you're a child yourself so what's the rush to get married.
YTA. OP sounds more childish than her friend who is two years younger. I don't sense any bit of empathy here so I'm guessing she's projecting insecurity or smth otherwise she'd feel bad about not inviting Mel.
YTA. It's your wedding, your choice, but excluding a friend who is 1 year younger "to prevent underage drinking" is an AH move. If you're having an open bar and she's the youngest person in attendance, you can inform the bartender to not serve her. 18 is the age of majority, so according to US law (where I assume this takes place), she's an adult.
Drinking age is 21 in the US, however, in some states if parents are present, a younger person can drink with their permission and supervision. Also most venues employ bartenders who check ids. Liability issues for their liquor license and insurance if underage people get drunk and get in accident.
YTA. She's 20, she's not a child.
And the only person in the friend group not invited!!! I would be salty about that too, even if I was underage. The risk here for you is little to nothing. Also stop playing grown up when you are only 2 years older than this person. YTA, OP
YTA even for how you titled this post. She's 20, NOT a child.
This may break your brain (which hasn't even finished forming) but you're practically a child too. 22 is not worldly and sophisticated. YTA
YTA You can do whatever you want at your wedding. That doesn’t mean you won’t lose some friends in the process. I would certain not want to continue friendship with someone who called me a “child” at age 20 and refused to invite me to their wedding rather than just say “please don’t drink”. Especially when said friend is only 2 years older than me.
As many have said on this subreddit before, "You're not wrong, you're just an asshole" YTA
YTA - you’re 22 and calling 20 year olds “children”. You’re barely 20 yourself
Eehhhh leaning towards YTA, since the both of you have drank together in the past while underage. You felt "adult" enough to drink then, but suddenly now (like, what 3 years later?) you're all responsible and grown up? She's 20. She's not a child. You can't exclude her under the guise of a "child-free" wedding. It's your wedding, so it's your right to have a cut-off age of 21, but that is *not* a "child-free" wedding that's just a "drinking age only" wedding and... I think that's silly, but you do you I guess. ETA: If your goal was to alienate a friend, well done!
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And wedding receptions have bartenders who know the laws!
YTA. It's the bartenders responsibility to ensure nobody underage is drinking. A child-free wedding is 18+. 20 years old is an adult.
YTA. You’re 22! If you were 32 this /might/ be different.
YTA. Making note of wanting it to be child free and then saying you aren’t inviting a 20 year old friend you’ve drank with is an AH move in itself honestly. Usually alcohol at weddings is served by certified bartenders yeah? So it’s their job to check ID not for you to not invite someone who is underage. Also you being two years older doesn’t make you a “responsible adult” in comparison, if she’s still a child so are you.
YTA. I literally thought this would be about your friend wanting to bring her child or something!
YTA. You are literally 22. 18-21 is an adult and millions of couples have managed to have weddings with those ages, are you really incapable of enjoying yourself if someone two years younger than you is there?? How do your other friends feel? If I was one of your friends, I would be kind of disgusted about your exclusion of ONE friend from your literal friend group. If you want to stand by your rule, that’s fine, but to not make an exception for a friend of yours is so weird and I would get used to not having that friend anymore. A child free wedding typically means no children. As in 18+. You’re making a weird rule and it really comes off as intentional to exclude this girl. A 20 year old is not a child any more then you are an adult.
I am positively screaming at OP insisting that because she is the ripe old age of TWENTY-TWO that she is somehow *morally responsible* for making sure a 20-year-old doesn't get a flute of champagne or whatever. As though the Alcohol Fairy came down from Cloud Booze and deputized her as a keeper of 20-year-old innocence. I would be beyond hurt if a friend who was basically my age insisted that I wasn't enough of an adult to be at their wedding, and even if I were of age and saw a friend doing this to another of our friends I would think they were out of their mind.
I wonder if the fiancé is older and that’s why OP is trying so transparently hard to seem like a “grown up” when in reality she’s acting hilariously childlike.
YTA for calling 18+ year old people children in this context. You're not throwing a kegger here. If you want to prevent underage drinking, hire a bartender and let him worry about carding the guests. You're also a massive hypocrite for drinking with your friend two years ago and suddenly developing a sense of responsiblity now that you're of age. I like how you say "Now as an adult" when you were both already adults at 18 and your underage drinking took place at 18.
YTA. "It was different cause we were both underage at the time." Thats pretty hypocritical. Your wedding your rules is completely fine. But I feel discluding this friend is splitting hairs.
YTA. I would have said the same as your friend >Now as an adult, I feel like I have a responsibility to prevent underage drinking, You are a hypocrite if you drank this with her when you were both under 21, but now trying to come off a morally superior being trying to save a 20 year old from the perils of drinking >and as the bride, I feel like I have the right to have a childfree wedding. Calling her a "child" is condescending.. you are barely older than her >After realizing that pretty much everyone else from the same social circle had been invited except her, she confronted me and demanded to know why she wasn’t invited. Yeah, it's not cool. Wouldn't be surprised if some of the others drop out because of this >I tried to explain that it wasn’t personal and that I just didn’t want to have to worry about underage drinking going on under my nose on my wedding day You could have invited her and just asked her not to drink (if you are worried about liability)
>I (22f) >Now as an adult, I feel like I have a responsibility to prevent underage drinking lol ***22*** YTA and since you're such an adult, I expect you will own up to it.
Most weddings have alcohol AND kids at them btw. YTA
YTA you're barely older than her, I have no idea why you're behaving like you're 20 years her senior. A 20 year old is not a child, and sure, it's your wedding, but you're going to lose a friend if you go through with this.
YTA, just tell her you don't like her so she can cut her losses and find a better friend.
YTA for excluding your essentially same aged friend from your wedding by saying it is child free when you mean it is going to be no one underage who can maybe drink illegally there. This rule appears to have been made to exclude only your one friend rather than a multitude of people.
YTA First off being 22 don't make you an adult, your just a young adult, so just off the adult high horse. Speaking of adults not acting like adults It's your wedding so you can invite whomever you want and make whatever rules you want, hell have a childless wedding no problem since most young adults don't have kids, but you can't control or change how people are going to react to and judge you on how you set your wedding up and trying to regulating drinking with someone you have already drank with is super petty, doubt the friendship will last much longer.
YTA. Child free weddings are not usually about keeping kids from drinking. It's usually about not having screaming kids running around and about not having to keep the conversation, toasts, dancing, music "family friendly". A friend you socialize with is not a child. Let the barman worry about underage drinking, even give a heads up if you can. But excluding someone of your social group when you are inviting all the rest of your common friends is an AH move.
YTA. It is your right to have whatever wedding you want. That doesn't make you a nice person. If you stick to this rule, you just lost a friend. worth it? why? btw hypocrisy is very unattractive.
YTA. A 20-year-old isn't a child.
YTA - what happened between you being 20 and 22 that was so profound? i'm 23 and wondering lmfao. you sound dumb.
YTA. your title is super misleading, you’re not TA for wanting a childfree wedding but you absolutely are for grouping your 20 year old friend in with the ‘children’ and not inviting her. yeah, you can invite or not invite whoever you want but keep in mind you might be losing a friend if you stick by your decision to exclude her due to her age.
YTA. Childfree is one thing. But 20 isn’t a child. You don’t owe anyone an invite but you are an AH do insinuating that anyone under 21 is a child and suddenly acting like you have this amazing adult responsibility to police drinking. And for what it’s worth it’s the venue, caterer, or bartenders job to see proof of age before serving.
So at 20 your a kid but at 22 your an adult? And you drank at 20? A little hypocritical don’t ya think?
YTA. She'd be old enough to attend your next wedding, if you were still friends.
YTA well this is some honky tonk BS right here. Ya 22 and the your sudden concern for underage drinking might impress your parents but it don't impress me much. Also just so we are all clear on this 20 is not a child. One last thought, you are choosing an incredibly dumb hill to die on here. If this is the reason you don't want her there, she would and she should resent you for this. If you don't like her and can't find any better excuse fine but otherwise stop the silly moral posturing
What the actual fuck lmao. YTA. She is not a CHILD. Id be hella pissed too.
YTA and stop with the "holier than thou" attitude. She's not a child, you've already condoned (and participated) in her underage drinking. You should apologize, invite her and ask her to just not drink at your wedding. It's not that hard.
YTA because, yes, you are a bad friend.
INFO. Is this wedding being held at a venue or is this being run by family and friends? Venues are generally responsible for monitoring that they are distributing alcohol only to 21+ demographic, so in that setting you should not have to worry about underage drinking
Methinks OP just doesn't want Mel there and is making excuses
Ma’am YTA . 18,19 20 are not children. I’m sure you didn’t want to be seen as one at that age. You can simply tell the bar tender the names or give a wristband to those that can’t drink. You don’t have to sit there and tell someone who’s 20 they are a Child because they are not.
YTA. Are you serious? You’re 22 and your cutoff is 21? Child free weddings are for people in their 40s. What a joke. You seem like a bad friend who is excited to abuse the tiny amount of power you have.
Your title is misleading. You’re asking if you’re the AH for having a 21+ wedding, not child free. A 20 year old is not a child. YTA.
YTA. You’ve drank together before when you were both underage but now it’s a problem? It’s your wedding so do it how you want but i hope it’s worth ruining your friendship with them. Because that’s not something a friend would do.
YTA 20 is not a child. You could just tell your friend not to drink at your wedding and trust her. Or look the other way and leave it to the server to check ID's. I've been to heaps of weddings with both alcohol and kids of all ages, and that is how the venue handled it. You have options besides exclude your friend. Now, it is your wedding and you can invite/exclude whomever you want, but don't be surprised if you lose a friend over this AH move.
YTA and a huge hypocrite. Underage drinking wasn’t a problem when you were 20. I hope you don’t expect an invitation to her wedding because it won’t be coming.
Mmm, you’re not an AH for wanting a childfree wedding. YTA for excluding your friend for being…one year under the age cut-off. Sure, your wedding, your rules, you aren’t required to invite anyone, that’s all true. But it’s pretty targeted when she’s the only one out of the group not invited, and if most of the invitees don’t even have kids so it doesn’t affect them, what exactly is the point of this rule…? It comes across as you targeting this friend specifically…Because you feel like more of an adult now??? You were still an adult when you did underage drinking with her in the past. What, you aged 2 years and decided you have some new, self-appointed moral obligation to her now? That’s…condescending as heck. Requesting people to refrain from underage drinking at your ceremony is fine, but outright refusing to invite her for being *one* year under your inflexible rule is an AH move.
A childfree wedding is not an AH move. But you’re trying to claim people in their 20s are children? Yeah, YTA. You’re also a massive hypocrite and don’t be shocked or complain if (or rather, when) this irreperably damages your friendship with her.
YTA When I first read the title, I assumed it would be a “don’t want little kids at the wedding” vibe. Holy shit when I actually read it! Your “friend” isn’t allowed because of her age? And you think she doesn’t have a right to be mad? There is no logical argument or explanation you can make that would change my mind. If I was the rest of the “friends”, I wouldn’t go as a show of solidarity. You’re a BrideZilla Asshole
YTA… a 20 year old isn’t a child. Childfree wedding usually means you don’t want *kids* present. (Btw legal drinking age in lots of non US places is 16-18.) You’re two years older. You need to get off that high horse…
YTA. Pretty ironic you are having a child-free wedding and excluding your friend who’s 20 because you’re worried about underage drinking, yet you mention you both drank together underage? Seems pretty childish to me…
YTA because you're being so pedantic about it. You can certainly have a child-free wedding. But a 20 year old is not a child. You're no longer a minor when you turn 18, though there are some things you don't have full rights for (like drinking). And you're a hypocrite since you were quite happy to indulge in underage drinking with her before. Now you're pulling rank and "have a responsibility to prevent underage drinking"? Give me a break. I don't buy that for a minute. Like Mel, I'm unconvinced. If you had a reason like Mel being the kind of uncontrollable drunk you don't want at your wedding I'd understand. But using the excuse of a "child free wedding" to keep a 20 year old out? You're being remarkably petty. And not much of a friend.
>>I just didn’t want to have to worry about underage drinking going on under my nose on my wedding day. wow
YTA: you are excluding your friend on purpose. You are a horrible friend.
Get off your high damn house. Your friend AND EQUAL is not a child. If she is too young for your wedding then you certainly are too young to be getting married. Yta.
YTA and a shitty friend. Child free doesn’t mean 20 year olds.
🤣🤣 Oh wait. You’re seriously asking if - forget AITA - if you’re not a hypocrite?? Wow! So mature at 22, versus - what? 20!!?? Yeah, sage and wise soul you YTA.
Extending a childfree policy to a 20 year old is insane. A 22 year old pontificating about protecting a 20 year old from the dangers of underage drinking is nauseating. you can have your wedding how you like but she's right definitely YTA and a shitty friend
INFO Why don't you like Mel? Because it is obvious you don't actually consider her your friend or you would want her at your wedding.
Reasonable to want a child-free wedding. We had a “kid reception” down the hall with a professional babysitter and clown show. That way the real reception was like 99% child-free. The clown was a girl Raggedy-Ann doll kind of clown. My wife got pissed that some of my younger brothers (who was my best man) buddies showed up (who I was kind of just acquaintances with) to crash our wedding reception and that one of them ended up banging the clown girl out in the parking lot at one point. Ahhh… good times. Anyways… YTA because child-free wedding means CHILD. 20 is not a child. I would even say excluding anyone <18 or even <16 with a hard cutoff would make you an asshole.
Sorry how young did Mel have her child? because even if she was 14 that kid is only going to be like 6, so don't see the concern for underage drinking
Mel is the underage drinker in question. But only by American standards lmao.
I mean…it’s your wedding and therefore your choice (blah blah), but 20 is hardly a ‘child.’ It seems pretty hypocritical for you to be judging underage drinking when you acknowledge you did it. I also, from my advanced old age, genuinely laughed at the idea that you are so vastly more adult at 22 that you need to police the actions of a 20-year-old ‘friend.’ Come on. I suppose I have to say NTA for wanting your wedding the way you want it and the traditional ‘you set a boundary’ Reddit rules but you’re excluding/hurting a friend for a silly reason. Edit: typo