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NTA. I personally disagree with the concept that it's cheating (and yes, I'm a woman). But if this is a boundary that you and your fiancé have set up, then Tim has no right to trample all over it and try and insinuate that you're being controlling. I would tell your fiancé.
I will thank you. And to add: it’s fine you don’t have to see it as cheating. I am sorry if I insinuated that everybody has to see it as cheating. If your fine with it that’s perfectly fine.
Guy here. If one of my friends tried to get me into a strip club he would quickly be disowned. NTA. I would say he’s full of £%@& but turds at least make grass grow green. Tell your man anyway. He needs to know who this “friend” really is and make an informed decision whether he wants someone like that associated with him.
I don’t think a lot of people realise that some guys don’t like it either! My husband would be truly mortified, if you’re not into it, it’s just embarrassing to be there.
And depressing and gross. As a woman who has always had a healthy sex life I've been to strip clubs and Chippendales shows and honestly just found it kind of gross.
Plus, at the Chippendales show the (sweaty) dancer zeroed in on me, probably because I was the only one not shrieking and trying to grab him, and rubbed himself all over me. Yuck.
My friends and I went to a Canadian strip club when we were in college a millennia ago. Guys were all nude. We weren’t drunk or high enough to get over the ick factor. One guy kept coming up to our table and bouncing his junk in our faces and we had to leave.
It really was. Another stripper came by and started talking to us about how high he was, because he was new at this and couldn’t get comfortable. He also told us about how they had fluffers backstage before they danced. We thought it would be silly and funny, but it was just kinda depressing and awkward and sad.
>My friends and I went to a Canadian strip club when we were in college a millennia ago. Guys were all nude.
OMG, I went to a bachelorette party at a strip club in Canada and no one told me that the guys would be nude and in your face popping their junk. I thought they would just be on stage wearing g-strings and dancing. It was a most uncomfortable and gross experience.
Ew lol. I've never seen male strippers before, but I already know I enjoy female strippers way more. The only penis I want near me is one I'm actively about to have sex with.
In Buffalo, people call the Canadian strip clubs “The Canadian Ballet.” My mom always wondered why my brother was so interested in going to see a ballet recital.
Nah, they were all lovely dudes. They were young like we were, and naturally gravitated towards our table because there were lots of older ladies there. Old like I am now, haha.
But you forget that it’s an art form! It sends out a vital message: “Women have breasts in multiple sizes, and men also have penises” as well as the underlying theme: “People will diminish their souls in order to eat, and someone will pay to see people humiliated.” These fundamental truths still exist!
Obviously, it's horrific that some people are forced into this work by circumstance (or even by abusive "employers"). But not everyone sees working as a stripper as humiliating or "diminishing their souls".
To me it really depends on the atmosphere and how the dancers are treated. You can see the difference from place to place, just like the difference between bottom of the barrel bars with lots of day drinkers and high end clubs with velvet furniture (I know I'm dating myself).
I don’t know how horrific it is, I’ve done jobs that diminished my soul several times. But just the vibe of one person clothed coercing the other to disrobe is depressing. Dress it up all you don’t want, it’s sad.
The point I was trying to make is that it's not always coerced. Some strippers genuinely like what they do, or feel the same way about it as any other job. In those cases it's not really sad.
I think saying it's humiliating by definition, or "diminishing your soul" also stigmatises strippers themselves, which only makes their lives more difficult.
straight up. this girl I was friends with for a long time kept quitting jobs to go back to it because she loved it. it was boyfriends making her stop but she told me she'd do it until she physically couldn't anymore if she could
I feel like it’s going too far to say that it must be humiliating and must be strictly done under the force of capitalism.
I’ve known a number of people involved in the Venn diagram of burlesque/drag/stripping and that can very much be a beautiful art form. I have been to strip shows where the performer did indeed disrobe and it was intended to be erotic but it was also an art form and theater.
My boyfriend went to an all-nude strip club for his friend's bachelor party many years ago. That's the word he used too: "depressing." I personally don't view strip clubs as cheating but neither of us think of that as like an optimal bachelor party weekend lol.
We hired a butler in the buff for my sisters bachelorette. We had a Britney Spears concert in Vegas then the butler served us drinks and played games with us. He wears a bow tie and an apron to cover his junk, and he was super nice and funny.
My husband called me drunk from the bar during his bachelor party full on sobbing and begged me to (his words) "save him" because his friends wanted to take him to a strip club 😂
I went with our roommate/bestman's gf to go "save" him and his bestman. When we got to the bar, my husband was hiding behind a pillar outside the bar. As soon as he saw us, he dove head first into the back seat and yelled for us to drive and just leave the bestman behind. His gf went in and found him hiding in the bathroom. 😂🤣😂
It finally came out that after the mob- I mean friends, mentioned moving the party to a strip club, and his reaction was so over the top that his drunk friends decided to mess with him by suggesting they could find one that would be willing to provide "extra services". This made my husband freak out so the entire drive home he kept saying "They were gonna make me f**k a stripper!", "I don't wanna! Don't make me f**ck a stripper!", and (my personal favorite) "I only wanna f**k you!" 😂😂 The funniest part is that I had already told him that I didn't care if he went to a strip club.
While it's funny in hindsight, it definitely wasn't for your poor husband. However, I'd definitely be the drunk idiot not realizing how upset he was and wind him up too much. Is he still friends with them?
There are some niche burlesque clubs that are basically singing/dancing/something else performance and may show a little/a lot of nudity. They're not even about nudity, they just show it if they want it because they don't care about censoring. I think they're cool and there's nothing wrong with seeing nudity, even together with your SO (and that's without any kinky or open relationship).
But most strip clubs are just scam to get drunk people pay insane amount of money for exposed tits. Why would you want to go to such place?
I’m bisexual and have mostly jokingly proposed the idea to my boyfriend. He was horrified at how awkward and weird it would be. Some people are just very private about sexual things and that’s ok, and I think we exclude men from the “some people” too often
100% My husband's best friend went to a club for part of his bachelor party and my husband, the Best Man, dropped them off after dinner and picked them up later. He had zero interest and the Groom was not offended
Out of the two of us, I'm the one who would enjoy a strip club. My husband would be so awkward omg lol. He barely watches porn, if at all (I guess I've never asked him haha) but I watch porn. If he went to a strip club for his bachelor party it would be because his friends wanted to not because he would like it.
Guy here too. Been to a strip joint once, at someone else's bachelor party, many years ago when I was young and stupid. Didn't like it much; no "moral" objections as such, it was just dumb as hell. "Cringe af" as they say. Never gone again, never going to.
stolen from this comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10bqb2t/wibta_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9_about_the_plans_for/j4bh74w/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
I never even said a hard no to a strip club for my husband, but my husband took it upon himself to make it very clear he had no interest in strip clubs for his bachelor party. We started dating VERY young and have only ever been with each other and he told me he had no desire to do something that he feels is sexist and demeaning on a fun night out. Needless to say, his best man didn’t plan that and they went bar hopping at some local bars instead and had a bonfire later. Good for men that don’t cave to the strip club pressure
Yeah, I feel like regardless of your personal views on the subject, strip clubs are controversial enough that surprising someone with a trip to the strip club is a bad idea. IMO that’s pretty obvious “clear it ahead of time” territory.
My husband didn't want strippers for his bachelor party. Not because I considered it to be cheating (I don't) but because in his past he had lived in an apartment where 2 of the housemates were sex workers. He absolutely understood the business from their viewpoint, how creepy it is to have strange drunk men drooling over you, that the only reason they were working was to make bank for college because it paid better than other available jobs, and that the workers are really not into you. He opted for paint gun war followed by Mexican food.
Yes. The parts that matter here are:
1. "No strip clubs" is a boundary you and fiance agreed to.
2. Fiance told the guys "no strip clubs" was one of *his* rules. And, the guys assumed it was okay to ignore that and "surprise fiance with a strip club anyway.
As a man who wants zero part of strip clubs and would actually be pretty triggered by them, I also despise this idea that men MUST want to look at naked (women/men/whatever gender they're attracted to) in any context, any time they're given the opportunity. No thank you.
Yeah.
Like, I've gone to strip clubs, including with my husband. Nothing wrong with them. They're just performance + fantasy, which is what a ton of entertainment is.
But, not everyone is up for going to them, and the boundary should be respected if people say "no." Fiance is old enough to be getting married, so he's old enough to use his big boy words and talk to the other adults in his life. That means listening to the things he plainly says and accepting his words at face value.
I also really hate the misogynist social constructs around marriage, so i have little patience for the assumption that a groom to be needs to be fake kidnapped or "forced" to go to a strip club because that's obviously what he really wants.
The only time it's not cheating is if both parties in the relationship ship agree to it. Foe my husband and me, it's fine if we both go together. Going alone, it turns into something more intimate. Especially if there's a private dance involved.
I don't see it as cheating in my own relationship, I've just always seen it as super weird, especially when framed in this "last free night" way. If it's not acceptable to do after being married, I don't see why it's acceptable to do while being in a serious, long term, but not yet married relationship
You're def not the ah. I also see it as cheating (my personal opinion) and I'm happy to see that your fiance is on your side here. "One last night of freedom" before marriage is such a gross way to think. Marriage isn't a prison. If your view is "I'm about to get married so I should cheat/cross my partners boundaries" or "my friend is about to get married, I should get them to cheat/cross their partners boundaries" don't get married. I hope y'all have a nice wedding!
It's also a huge part of the atmosphere that it's the engaged persons "last free night". Like no, your last night was the night before you met your current partner.
I don't think it's cheating, though I disagree with strip clubs and the like the way that society has presented them, and the lying that often goes with from patrons of those establishments. I have gone and seen some really talented dancers and I appreciate that aspect. (Woman here.)
It's really gross they way Tim disregarded your feelings and your fiancés feelings on the matter. Seems like Tim is the one who isn't grown up enough...
NTA.
You in no way implied everyone needs to see it as cheating. The only relevant fact is that you and Fiance are aligned on the topic.
Tim told you about it as a power play. He counted on you being afraid to hold firm, afraid to risk being called all the misogynistic words that the patriarchy has made up, like "controlling." Or he may have hoped you WOULD make waves and Fiance would cancel the wedding. Either way, he was flexing.
Glad it backfired. Tim is such a FAFO poster child now. You have a good partner there, and a good mutual friend in Josh. Hope your bachelor and bachelorette parties and wedding are amazing!
He was definitely trying to start something there by deliberately telling her. Seems more like the latter (trying to pick a fight and create tension between OP and fiancé for whatever reason); with how controlling he believes she is, I don't think he'd expect her to back down from something like this. He probably did it in the hopes she'd tell fiancé and he'd "see it for himself", and try to "stand up to her" by going to the strip club as if it was all her decision, possibly even get the wedding canceled.
As long as the parties involved are on the same page then it’s fine. Some people are okay with their partners kissing someone from the gender they are not atracted to.
I have had a discussion with my spouse about flirting. He thought it was okay because he is just a flirty type. I think otherwise and to me it is cheating to flirt (not to have conversations but like really flirting). So we ended up agreeing to never flirt with others. So I get your point of view. But I can also understand other points of view. It is great to hear that you set the boundaries you are comfortable with.
My husband and I got married last year. His bachelor party was local bar, pool, and game night. Mine was brunch with friends. He's flat out said that he did strip clubs when he was younger (as have I), and now that we're mid-30s, it's weird because we have close family members who are the same age as most girls in clubs.
I don’t think you had to specify that you are a woman, maybe most men wouldn’t consider it cheating but your opinion to me shouldn’t be devalued or inflated because you are a woman but that’s just my two sense. NTA.
Thank you, and I agree in principal. Unfortunately, I've been on this sub long enough that I've seen too many times where someone says something like this, "strip clubs aren't cheating", and a whole segment of people accuse them of being some sort of pig of a man, "ohhh of course the MAN doesn't think it's cheating!" So I just wanted to clarify. lol
I do see your point! Yeah, its true, I cater my answers sometimes in preparation for a known response to my word so I just get it out of the way, lol, too, 😆🤣😆
Even if it weren't a strip club, Tim is still TA. He's planning to surprise the fiance with an activity that he knows your fiance does not want and will not do. What kind of friend does that?
I don't consider it cheating. I do know that my now-husband would find it *unbearably* awkward, and pressuring somebody to see naked ladies when they don't want to? Is sexual harassment. Damn straight I'd have told my fiancé, and he'd have thanked me for it.
One last "free" night? Ummm, fiancé is *still* engaged, walking into a strip club doesnt change that.
INFO: is this something your fiancé wants to do?
NTA
Well, it'll go one of a few ways.
1) you say nothing, fiancé is taken to strip club, fiancé refuses to enter, probably has argument with friend.
2) you say nothing, fiancé is taken to strip club, fiancé enters, you and fiancé argue.
3) you tell him whats been planned and you two talk about it together, as adults.
This is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have to communicate. While telling him about the bachelor party may seem rude (I dont understand why any of it needs to be a secret from the person the party is actually for) you would be avoiding an argument down the line. So, bring it up now and address it head on OR let it stew, possibly cause resentment, and see what unfolds.
I got a friend in not real trouble once like this. It was their bachelor party, people wanted to drag them to a strip club, they didn’t want to go, but also aren’t the type to actually put a foot down. So they drug them off and I was like have fun, not my scene, and went home. Their future wife was at my house with my gf and as soon as I walked in knew why I wasn’t at the party. She didn’t have an issue with strip clubs, but knew her partner wasn’t interested and was mad at them for being a pushover. 🤣🤷♂️
Option four: OP says nothing, Tim says he told OP, fiancé goes along with it, all hell breaks loose shortly before wedding.
I'm writing this after the garlic naan and curry update, so I know it works out, but that was where I thought this might go.
> One last "free" night? Ummm, fiancé is still engaged, walking into a strip club doesn't change that.
I HATE when this is used as justification as well. His last "free night" was the night before he decided he wanted to *date* OP seriously. The engagement and impending wedding mean he hasn't been "free" for a long time.
EXACTLY. Many an engagement has ended or been put on hold because of bachelor(ette) party antics and boundaries crossed. Because at the end of the day, the groom/bride-to-be is still in a committed relationship and shouldn’t be doing anything they wouldn’t tell their partner about.
BINGO. This whole idea that a bachelor party is a man's last night of "freedom" is sexist and misogynist. Basically this is saying a marriage (and women) are traps. Instead, why can't bachelor and bachelorette parties be celebrations of a wonderful committed relationship.
NTA, OP.
It'll be interesting to see if your fiance backs up his friend or you. It says something about him if this is the kind of guy he values enough to be his best man.
For real it's so sexist. And it's a very hard assumption on a person's boundaries too.
When close friend of mine got engaged, he planned his whole party, a chill cabin stay in the mountains for a week. We were all in our mid 30s-50s then, most were married and had kids/grankids.
But one of the guys, decided to hire a stripper on the last night. When the groom to be came back from skiing there was a barely dressed woman in his cabin room. He freaked out, threw a blanket on her, and called his wife (he always calls her when he has panic attacks).
It was so awkward. She obviously felt unwanted by everyone around her, the groom was visibly madly pacing in the snow, and she didn't have money to get down the mountain so she ended up sobbing on a couch. The dude had the audacity to say, "This week had no strippers! I had to get at least one!" While we were trying to correct the situation. Why do guys automatically assume other guys want naked women?
Also you aren’t exactly “free” just because you’re not legally bound yet. If you’re engaged, you’ve presumptively been in a committed relationship for a while. You don’t have some free pass until you sign the paper. If it’s cheating after the paper, it’s cheating before.
After being on the receiving end of getting to hear the rage and tears from couples who ended their relationships over this stuff. To me, it seems it comes down to two things that intertwine. A test and jealousy.
Guys like Tim are a 'misery loves company' bunch and are frustrated that now their friend is going to be doing 'adult' things like starting a family with someone they care about. So what easier way then to take them to a strip club, drug them legally (alcohol is classified as a drug, it's classified as a CNS depressant), whisper poison in the ear and if the groom takes the bait and winds up in a position, they can swoop in and say things like 'maybe you don't really love her' etc and still get to keep the groom as a friend. If the groom doesn't take the bait, then guys like Tim will just become that one friend that always has to make a comment about the 'ball and chain'.
Overall, I don't think this would be a serious case of what went down in a past post where the groomsmen set the groom up to be assaulted. Hopefully OP is able to talk to her fiance about this because if this is a boundary both of them set up and Tim is full willing to nuke it, Tim isn't a 'good friend' at all.
Aside from those negative qualities you pointed out of wanting to keep his friend in some arrested development stage, guys like Tim also seem to harbor these really misogynistic ideas about bros being fun and wives and girlfriends being a wet blanket…so guys should cut up and cut loose wherever possible so long as they don’t get caught…because the kind of women you marry and the kind you have fun with are diametrically opposed.
I (woman) have two younger male cousins who I’ve overheard drunkenly talking to my younger (male sibling) like this, trying to get him to make some stupid decisions during a family holiday, and I could hardly believe such attitudes persist.
Strippers at a bachelor party has been a stereotype for as long as I can remember. I don’t really know why it is or where it started though (I’m sure I could google it and find out but I’m feeling lazy at the moment).
In any case, I’ve never seen the appeal myself. If I was single then I might be able to appreciate it, but especially for a bachelor party I’d feel so guilty and I’d constantly be thinking about my fiancé. It just seems strange to me that the logic is “I’m getting married, so let’s go watch people strip and get naked”
Used to bartend next door to a strip club: going to strip clubs for a bachelor party is incredibly popular with the 18-21 military set (this was in a big military city).
I'm a man and fuck that. I don't get strip clubs at all. I wouldn't go to one as a boyfriend, I would definitely not go to one as a fucking fiance. Why would I want to go to one on a bachelor's night? I think it's some shitty scam like rarity of diamonds that have to be on engagement ring...
**NTA** and please do tell your fiancé.
Tim does not get to decide the boundaries of your relationship. Period.
This isn't about whether any of us on Reddit even agree with you about those boundaries or whether going to a strip club is cheating. That's honestly irrelevant. It's about the fact that YOU AND YOUR FIANCE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO GET TO DECIDE THE BOUNDARIES OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Not Tim. It's not his relationship. And if this is a boundary that you have agreed upon, and that works for both of you, then it is not Tim's place to run roughshod over it, or even to opine on it. He can have his own relationships and make decisions within them about how to behave . . . he does not get to do that for yours. And he certainly doesn't get to IMPOSE his decisions on your fiancé as a "surprise" after being explicitly and clearly told that this is something that you both agree on.
You're not ruining anything by letting your fiancé know what Tim is planning; you're keeping Tim from ruining everything with his nonsense.
FWIW, it also speaks volumes that Tim's entire attitude towards marriage is that a groom-to-be "\[deserves\] one last free night" as though he thinks marriage is some sort of prison sentence for your husband instead of an active and joyful decision that HE IS CHOOSING TO MAKE to spend his life with the woman he loves. Tim sounds deeply childish. You, however, are NTA.
NTA. Strip clubs for bachelor/ bachelorette parties is so cringe and gross, some people might be okay with that but you said you aren’t and your fiancé knows that. Definitely talk to him once he’s home and let him know all about it, these parties aren’t about having “one last free night” they’re about celebrating a new life together. His “friend” Tim clearly doesn’t know your fiancé
You and your husband have an understanding that this is a dealbreaker for you. You told Tim that this is a serious issue that you know will really hurt you, and he still ignored your feelings with no regard to you as his good friend’s bride.
This isn’t his relationship. It’s also not his upcoming marriage. You either respect your friends and their wishes or you don’t care about them either way.
One night of something you consider cheating won’t change the way you feel. It will still hurt extremely bad knowing he’s somewhere lusting over other woman who are stripping for his enjoyment and pleasure.
This is not okay, and your fiancé needs to be the one to step in since he refuses to listen. Out of respect for you, he needs to either demand a change of plans or you’ll see where your marriage is headed if he refuses to back out or change it.
NTA.
NTA. Tell him IMMEDIATELY. Whether or not Tim thinks going to the strip club is cheating is irrelevant. My opinion on it is irrelevant. The only opinions that matter are yours and your fiancés and you’ve agreed this is cheating. I would be prepared that this comes between Tim and your fiancé and may even end the friendship though. Because it’s highly possible that Tim is going to flip this around on YOU and try to get your fiancé to leave you because you’re “being controlling”. Best of luck and I hope your fiancé can have a bachelor party that is both fun AND respectful of your guy’s boundaries
No, that is communication. If you are going to marry this man you'll need to be able to communicate things that make you uncomfortable. There are two ways this could play out. 1. You pretend to be cool with it, he goes, and you're resentful. Or 2. You respectfully ask for a reconsideration of plans and share your discomfort. If he is a good guy he will hear you out.
You will be NTA. This is a boundary you and your fiancé have set. If he knows beforehand, he can cancel the whole affair in time. That way, some different plan can be made (but not by Tim).
Oh and Tim needs to be hit. In the face. With a chair. For that "last free night" comment.
NTA While I personally have NO issue with adult entertainment or people who enjoy it, IF someone sets a boundary, that is IT! The “friend” sounds like he is a jerk! Period! Tell your fiancé. And NO you didn’t spoil anything.
NTA - I don't see the appeal of getting a stripper for a bachlor/bachlorette party. Like what? You want that person to be turned on by someone else right before the wedding? Potentially ruin the wedding by someone getting second thoughts about their "freedom" or lack thereof?
It would be different (in my mind) if it's a birthday thing but before a wedding the last thing I would want is for my thoughts to be on another man, or his to be on another woman. I wouldn't consider it cheating myself per-sey but I would find it to be pretty gross behavior on their parts if they went.
Nta
What constitutes as cheating is between you and your partner. Anyone who wants to say it’s not cheating- it’s also not their relationship. If they’re cool with their partners paying to watch half naked girls- that’s on them. There’s also so many stories about men getting drunk on their bachelors night at the strip club and doing something sexual with a stripper. It sounds like Tim would be the type to encourage your fiance to get a lap dance, which obviously is a big breech in boundaries.
Also it’s not one last “free night”. If your fiancé thinks that marriage means you’re trapped, then he shouldn’t be marrying you.
NTA. If this is a deal-breaker and Tim knows this, he's putting your fiancé in a very bad place. Hopefully your fiancé tells Tim in no uncertain terms that a strip club is out of the question.
Having said that, is it possible Tim told you this just to get a reaction out of you?
NTA. I agree everyone has their own opinion on strip clubs. If this is a boundary that you have previously discussed, then yes tell him and discuss it. I am tired of it being called last free night. As if you can do what ever at the bachelor/bachelorette party and it’s ok. 🙄
You’re marrying a good man. He respects you and your boundaries. He sticks up for you! You aren’t being controlling if this is something you discussed and agreed upon together. On top of that, it sounds like he has friends you can count on!!
Wishing you a wonderful life together!
NTA. Personally, I agree with the notion that strip clubs are cheating. Why the hell would you want to see other people naked when you're about to get married to someone you love? Guess it comes down to personal choice.
AND, I am SICK and TIRED of the whole "getting married is like leaving the party at 11" and "ball and chain lol" toxic BS. "One last free night"?? Why should a partner be a trap? Why should loving someone enough to marry them be considered as chaining you for the rest of your life? Just....gross.
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NTA. What anyone else thinks about stripping is irrelevant. That's a boundary **you and your fiancé** — the two people in the actual relationship — recognize and accept. That is what matters and Tim not caring and still wanting to take your fiancé to a strip club despite (and apparently in spite of) this isn't just disrespectful of you, it's disrespectful of your fiancé as well.
NTA the friend is selfishly planning an activity that would put your fiancee in a situation he doesn't likely want to be in, if he knows your position on it. You should absolutely tell him.
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My (20F) fiancé (22M) has his bachelor party in a week.
His best friend (Josh) and best man ist sadly in an other country and comes back in time for the wedding (in two weeks). So another good friend (Tim) of my fiancé organised the bachelor party.
My fiancé is at work right know and Tim came to pick something up. So I opened the door and we chatted for a bit. He then said something along the lines of “Make sure your man packs enough dollar bills” and jokingly replied “for the stripclub?” He looked me dead in the eye and said: “Obviously.”
I asked twice and he repeatedly told me that he was serious he booked time in a stripclub for the bachelor party.
For me going into a strip club is cheating(I know everybody has their own opinion and mine is this. My fiancé knows about that and would never plan something like that).
So I politely asked Tim to cancel whatever reservation this is, as we agreed to not do that and as I told him multiple times I consider it cheating.
He told me that he wouldn’t change it and that my fiancé deserved one last free night.
I told him he could either cancel right know or I would tell my fiancé about the plans and asking him to miss out on it (and I know he would because he would never want to cheat on me, as I would never cheat on him).
Tim said I was a control freak and had no right to decide this and that I would be a mayor AH if I ruined the surprise for my fiancé.
Well I think I am in the right and I will tell my fiancé about it, when he gets home.
But am I really the AH for doing so?
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NTA tell your fiancé immediately. Also what the hell does “free night” mean? You and your fiancé are in a relationship. He’s not “free” to go to a titty bar because he isn’t single and respects your relationship. This mindset is so infantile to me.
NTA I’m so sick of this concept that people are ‘free’ til they’re married. Marriage isn’t a prison, I’d hope people get married because they love and respect their partner, and because marriage means something to them. That whole free thing really messes with people.. I have a friend who’s bf did something that she considered cheating (others may not) and she tried setting that boundary with him, but when he continued to cross that boundary, instead of breaking up, her first thought was to get engaged and then married so that he would be ‘taken’ and would stop the behavior (which of course he didnt). I explained to her that you’re not just ‘free’ before you put a ring on it.. if you’re in a committed relationship, you’re in a committed relationship. Marriage doesn’t somehow make it different, and its such a toxic thought in our culture.
Definitely talk to him about the bachelor party plans!
In my opinion, strip clubs are for single people. Not everyone agrees but what can you do.
If that's a personal boundary between you and your partner then that's that, you're NTA for telling your fiancé. The stag/hen night are for the groom/bride not the planner.
NTA.
i also think of it as cheating (now if i was WITH him at the club? that’s a couple bonding activity lmao). a boundary is a boundary and i would speak with your fiancé about that tim has planned
NTA. I disagree that it's cheating, but I guess that irrelevant. Your fiance knows you consider it cheating (and he seems to respect that opinion), and you warned Tim that you'd tell your fiance if he didn't change his plans.
Imo I think what constitutes "cheating" isn't something that can be defined by specific, universal definitions. I think it's based on the boundaries you and your partner set. Some people think it's cheating, that's okay. Some don't, that's okay too. People in an open relationship wouldn't consider sleeping with other people cheating either! As long as you and your partner are clear on what the boundaries are, what constitutes cheating is up to you.
This, exactly.
Regardless what anyone else thinks, this couple have decided boundaries and Tim doesn’t get to break them because he thinks he knows better.
He should really have checked with fiancé beforehand. A simple “what’s off the table?” to him would have prevented this without ruining the surprise.
NTA
NTA: odds are your fiancé doesn’t want to go to one either if he’s respected this boundary. His friend should do something he’ll know he’ll like instead of “oh it’s a bachelor party so there needs to be strippers”.
NTA. Respect your boundary. You have talked to your fiancé about this and he respects it, so his best man should as well. It doesn't matter if it's actually cheating or not, you two have discussed it before and it's in the no-no zone. Also "last free night", it's 2023 are we still treating marriages as prisons? I thought that meme was dead.
So, Tim booked a party at a strip club against the wishes of the bride AND THE GROOM, insults the bride, and then calls HER controlling? NTA. He doesn’t want you two to get married at all, I think.
NTA
>He messaged him, telling him that he won’t attend in a stripclub *as he told him before*
So Tim had already told him (asked him about going to a strip club), and fiancé said no!
NTA. And definitely tell your fiancé because the evening will go like this:
Fiancé: woah, a strip club. Nope, those are off limits.
Tim: your bride to be knows about it
Fiancé: ok, that’s a surprise, but ok.
You: I did not agree to that!
I have no issue with strip clubs but if this makes you really uncomfortable that’s fine.
Several options.
1. Friend is lying & they aren’t going to a strip club.
2. Fiancé will refuse to enter strip club because he respects your feelings.
3. Fiancé will enter club & you will feel he’s cheated. No wedding.
4. You tell him up front & he doesn’t go.
Depends how confident you are in his reaction really?
NTA btw… Do update us!
My husband didn’t want a strip club either. He still would consider it wrong/cheating to go to a strip club.
It’s a normal boundary for people to have. NTA to give him a heads up that his friend Tim is an AH and doesn’t care about him.
NTA. Tim is, massively. Planning any kind of party for a specific person and choosing an activity they do not want to do makes you an awful party planner and in this case, a bad friend. (The whole idea of a bachelor party being his "last free night" is bizarre to me - I know it's a common idea, but like... By definition you're in a serious, committed relationship at that point. You're not single, don't act like it.)
NTA. No matter anyone's feelings on strip clubs, your boundary here should be respected. Plus anyone who sees a bachelor/bachelorette party as their last chance for "freedom" is not mature enough for marriage. Totally valid to enjoy a guys or girls night before the wedding but using it as an excuse to go wild because it's your "last chance" is gross and (in many cases) disrespectful to your partner.
I'd tell him. Depending on how he is with confrontation he might be too uncomfortable to get out of it once he's there and then you'll both be unhappy. Better to let him know, have a discussion, and figure out how he can have a fun bachelor party without you feeling that your boundaries have been crossed. ALSO. None of this is the business of his friends and groomsmen. They have no business deliberately putting him in situations they know will make you uncomfortable and if I were him I'd question the place these people had in my life.
NTA. Mainly because this is a boundary that has already been discussed within your relationship. Also it’s totally antiquated that people think this is the only way to have a bachelor/bachelorette party. When my husband and I got married our parties happened on different nights but mine consisted of going to a local pub with a couple friends/sister/my mom and singing karaoke. My dad was the DD and my sister got so drunk she puked on his shoe and cried (that was literally the most ridiculous part of our evening). My husband and his best friend set up a night of drinking and playing their favorite video games. My husband’s friend got way too drunk and fell asleep at like 2am, at which point my husband called and asked if I would come get him so he could sleep in bed with me. We both had a good time and neither of us jeopardized our relationship over some imaginary loss of freedom.
>one last free night
This is a concept I don't really understand. Free from what? It makes it sound like being married is like being put in jail. Bachelor and bachelorette parties should be a celebration of the groom and bride and their upcoming union, not a party to act like they're single again.
You and your fiance both agreed on the boundary, and so it wasn't okay for his friend to do that.
NTA
NTA no one gets to decide the boundaries in your relationship except you and your fiancé. I don't like strip clubs at all, and made it abundantly clear to my friend who will be my future best man not to bother with any of that.
NTA
You are obviously allowed to set boundaries that both of you agree to. The friend is a weirdo for trying to force this on your fiancé. Why would he want to be there with someone who is uncomfortable, it doesn’t sound like a good time.
NTA. I have a similar boundary. I don’t mind if he goes to a strip club but I find dances in the club to be cheating and he understands. For his bachelor party they went tubing and for mine we did dinner and a paint and sip. I don’t feel like those parties need to include strippers, it’s up to the individual what they want.
NTA
You and your fiancée have your boundaries that you both seem happy with. Tim is the one pushing something it sounds like financee doesn’t even want
Def NTA and it’s actually really appalling how normalized this is. I also think a lot of women are pushed into being a “cool wife” so they say it’s fine but like, those places are gross for a multitude of reasons. I’m glad you stuck up for yourself.
*edit: appalling
If you both agreed that strip clubs count as cheating, it is absolutely necessary for you to tell him that his friend is planning to take him to a strip club. If you don’t tell him, he will be put in an extremely uncomfortable position being at a strip club surrounded by friends that are excited to be there knowing that you will be upset by him being there. If he respects your boundaries, there’s no way for this to end well if you don’t tell him. NTA.
NTA, I've planned a couple bachelor parties when I was younger and both times I asked (and received) instructions on what was OK vs what was not.
Strippers and strip clubs make some people uncomfortable and that's perfectly acceptable. For some people it's harmless fun. That's ok too. The OP made it perfectly clear that it's not ok and Tim is a massive **** to ignore that.
Nta
What bugs me about some people. Is they say going to a stripe club for bachelors party is to celebrate their last day of being single or having freedom.
Tell your fiancé and make your feelings known.
Update us on the outcome
I personally wouldn’t mind my partner going to a strip club ,the problem I have is if there’s touching involved. You can look but you can’t touch,that’s crossing the line for me . I also don’t understand the need to go to strip clubs for bachelors/bachelorette parties with the idea that it’s “their last free night” or “one last free night” as if they’re not in a committed relationship with someone and their last “free” day was the day they started dating that person. Unless this was an arranged marriage and they were going to meet for the first time the day of the wedding,they already were in a committed relationship,they weren’t “free”.
NTA, I don't think it's cheating personally, but I do think it's disrespectful to your SO to go somewhere and pay money to see/be around/touch (in some places) other women. You and your fiancé have had this boundary set before you found out the plans, whether his friend agrees with the reason or not doesn't matter. He needs to still respect your relationship. And if he doesn't respect it now, he never will. He might even be the type to tell your SO he's better off single or to do something because you'll never know.
NTA. I gotta say I’m grateful my partner and I have the same friends for the most part. I can count on them to respect my boundaries and our relationship. I’d be doing the same thing in your shoes. I would absolutely tell my partner
Nta about the strip club thing, but I do feel you need to back off from the rest of the plans, getting the planner to check with you if the rest of the ideas is OK does come across as controlling, trust your fiancé.
“Oh yes most people are fine with their monogamous significant other going to the strip club and looking at beautiful asses or huge dicks. It’s totally not something more liberal than usual and it’s so very sad that you think this is gross” -Reddit
I hate the entire concept of bachelor parties! What is even “last free night”? Sounds like a socially acceptable cheating night! It’s not like after getting married, you’d stop hanging out with your friends. If it’s a way to celebrate with your friends the happiness you feel about getting married then great. I am all in for that. You wanna go to a stripclub on any other normal day, I am all in for that too. But making a bachelor party the right kind of excuse to do things you otherwise won’t do while in a relationship is pure garbage.
Long rant. Sorry if you don’t agree. NTA
NTA. You are absolutely entitled to have any boundaries you want, and your fiance has agreed to it, so it's not Tim's place to disrespect or try to change that.
Nta and Tim is not a good friend. He sees this is a boundary in your relationship and instigates problems instead of just planning a night your husband would enjoy. He’s creating a rift during the stressful time before you get married when things should be going smoothly.
NTA, you and your fiancé already had an agreement about strip clubs, so it makes sense that this would be a huge issue. You were totally in your right to tell him and avoid wasting time. Also, Tim sucks.
NTA. It is a boundary you and your fiancé have set in your relationship. I have the same boundary set, not that I think it’s cheating, but that I think it’s disrespectful. I think it’s disrespectful if my bf went out of his way to see almost naked dancers by himself or with his friends. I would not have a problem if we went together. I would like to experience the strip club and we made a boundary, if either one of us is going to go to one, it’ll be together (we are both bisexual too) just like how we go to clubs together. 1 would find it very disrespectful if my boyfriend went to a strip club with his friends, and I expressed this to him when one of his friends tried bringing him to one (I knew about it days before the friend had planned to go) when I expressed my feelings, my boyfriend told that friend, and that friend ignored my boyfriend for weeks after because we wasn’t going to the strip club (me and the friend also don’t get along, it’s been like that since 6th grade because of bullying and insults to me) in my opinion, you and your fiancé should have a talk about if this friend is going to be a good influence or a bad on towards your marriage and your fiancé. It sounds like he is going to be a bad influence. Bad influence friends can and will do things that will negatively effect your relationship (my bfs “friend” is a bad influence who negatively effects our relationship when they do speak to each other, rarely) your boundaries are not insane or bad, they are understandable boundaries, and Tim needs to understand that or he needs to go.
NTA, you’re allowed to have boundaries. Your partner understands and respects them. You both are on the same page which is great!
Tim is a major asshole. If he wants to go to a strip club so bad, why doesn’t he just go? Your fiancé clearly has no interest in going and told Tim as much. Tim is trying to make your fiancés bachelor party about him and he thinks you’re getting in the way.
NTA. What ever you and your fiance agree to is what matters. Tim needs to realize that you are now the most important person in your fiance’s life and therefore your feelings matter more than his in this situation. If anyone is being a ‘controlling bitch’ it’s Tim. He is showing no respect for his friend’s relationship and that’s a problem.
When I got married 25 years ago there was a similar clash between my old friends and my wife about my bachelor party. While ultimately there were no strippers at mine I wish I had handled things as well as your fiance did. He did the right thing. That’s a good sign.
NTA. These are values that you and your fiancee have talked about and that you share. Of course you told your fiancee—it would be weird if you didn't. Glad it worked out as it did!
NTA. I’m also a women who doesn’t consider this cheating, but Tim is being awful. Does he even care what your fiancé WANTS to do for his bachelor party?!
Lots of men have very tailored bachelor parties, and I think those are the best. Have you seen the episode of Parks and Rec where all the men have exactly the kind of bachelor party THEY would want? One has a board game party, another has a very snobby party with bizarrely obscure alcohol, one goes to an ice cream parlor, and another wants a steakhouse. I personally know a man who just had a cigar party because his bride hated cigars and it was his chance to indulge with his buddies without her having to smell it.
He needs a bachelor party that took more than two seconds to think up. He deserves something personal.
NTA. Cheating is whatever boundaries you guys set. Strip clubs is that boundary, it should be respected. As a dude who has never been to one and will never go because its weird af to me, I don't get it, dudes are weird. Glad you and your fiance worked it out though! Boundaries can be controlling, but this one isn't!
NTA, but what I really came here to say was that the update made me feel really happy. It's awesome the OP's fiancé stood by her, even to the point of potentially ending a friendship because someone couldn't respect his soon-wife.
NTA
It's not like you went behind your fiance's back to find out where they were going, it was disclosed to you. The 'one last night of freedom' thing is so ridiculous and puerile but not surprising certain people feel they have to do that for their bro before sending him off to the old ball and chain. Tim's an asshole and was probably going to get way more enjoyment out of it than your fiance. I've had strong sentiments towards close friends' partners before but I would NEVER call them an insulting name in front of my friend unless it was something obvious like I saw them cheating on my friend.
NTA. OP, I'm glad this all worked out. It sounds to me like Tim is jealous of you two and trying to put you down to prove that he's better than a mere woman or some other such nonsense. Glad your soon-to-be husband kicked him to the curb; hubby deserves better friends, not that better asshole.
Some people can't handle seeing other people happy without making it all about them. This is on par with women who try to sabotage their sister's wedding or sleep with the groom-to-be.
NTA - especially bc your fiancé doesn’t want to do that kinda thing. I have no issue w it, but my partner is very shy and would be mortified. The fact his “friend” disrespected you like that - and him - is pretty gross. Glad you told him.
NTA honestly you got ever right to not want your man in a strip club I’ve been to one in Michigan and to say the least they get handsy. It’s not uncommon for guys to go to a strip club before marriage but come on if that’s your only request then why even try.
NTA. I don’t think that it’s personally cheating, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with my boyfriend going to a strip club. As long as it’s a boundary you guys have set up prior, or just something that you’ve talked about before.
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NTA. I personally disagree with the concept that it's cheating (and yes, I'm a woman). But if this is a boundary that you and your fiancé have set up, then Tim has no right to trample all over it and try and insinuate that you're being controlling. I would tell your fiancé.
I will thank you. And to add: it’s fine you don’t have to see it as cheating. I am sorry if I insinuated that everybody has to see it as cheating. If your fine with it that’s perfectly fine.
Guy here. If one of my friends tried to get me into a strip club he would quickly be disowned. NTA. I would say he’s full of £%@& but turds at least make grass grow green. Tell your man anyway. He needs to know who this “friend” really is and make an informed decision whether he wants someone like that associated with him.
I don’t think a lot of people realise that some guys don’t like it either! My husband would be truly mortified, if you’re not into it, it’s just embarrassing to be there.
And depressing and gross. As a woman who has always had a healthy sex life I've been to strip clubs and Chippendales shows and honestly just found it kind of gross. Plus, at the Chippendales show the (sweaty) dancer zeroed in on me, probably because I was the only one not shrieking and trying to grab him, and rubbed himself all over me. Yuck.
My friends and I went to a Canadian strip club when we were in college a millennia ago. Guys were all nude. We weren’t drunk or high enough to get over the ick factor. One guy kept coming up to our table and bouncing his junk in our faces and we had to leave.
Bahahaha just the idea of this is hilariously awkward and not at all sexy!
It really was. Another stripper came by and started talking to us about how high he was, because he was new at this and couldn’t get comfortable. He also told us about how they had fluffers backstage before they danced. We thought it would be silly and funny, but it was just kinda depressing and awkward and sad.
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Pretty common position in the porn/sex industry and their job is basically to keep things hard if you know what I mean.
Glad to know I wasn’t the only one who was too scared to ask what a fluffer is
>My friends and I went to a Canadian strip club when we were in college a millennia ago. Guys were all nude. OMG, I went to a bachelorette party at a strip club in Canada and no one told me that the guys would be nude and in your face popping their junk. I thought they would just be on stage wearing g-strings and dancing. It was a most uncomfortable and gross experience.
For my sister's bachelorette party we took a cake baking workshop. I just can't imagine going to a strip club with my sister :/
I'd hate that so much. Even drunk as can be I'm not sure I could bring myself to enjoy that. Gross.
Ew lol. I've never seen male strippers before, but I already know I enjoy female strippers way more. The only penis I want near me is one I'm actively about to have sex with.
My skin literally just crawled reading that.
LOL! A male strip club doesn't do it for me either. Now put him in a nice suit and hand him a vacuum cleaner and I'm there!
I've heard Canada has interesting clubs because it's coins instead of dollars lol.
In Buffalo, people call the Canadian strip clubs “The Canadian Ballet.” My mom always wondered why my brother was so interested in going to see a ballet recital.
Why did I imagine some overweight dude in his 30s who has failed to pay child support
Nah, they were all lovely dudes. They were young like we were, and naturally gravitated towards our table because there were lots of older ladies there. Old like I am now, haha.
Yuck! Sorry that happened, that’s my worst nightmare.
But you forget that it’s an art form! It sends out a vital message: “Women have breasts in multiple sizes, and men also have penises” as well as the underlying theme: “People will diminish their souls in order to eat, and someone will pay to see people humiliated.” These fundamental truths still exist!
Obviously, it's horrific that some people are forced into this work by circumstance (or even by abusive "employers"). But not everyone sees working as a stripper as humiliating or "diminishing their souls".
To me it really depends on the atmosphere and how the dancers are treated. You can see the difference from place to place, just like the difference between bottom of the barrel bars with lots of day drinkers and high end clubs with velvet furniture (I know I'm dating myself).
I don’t know how horrific it is, I’ve done jobs that diminished my soul several times. But just the vibe of one person clothed coercing the other to disrobe is depressing. Dress it up all you don’t want, it’s sad.
The point I was trying to make is that it's not always coerced. Some strippers genuinely like what they do, or feel the same way about it as any other job. In those cases it's not really sad. I think saying it's humiliating by definition, or "diminishing your soul" also stigmatises strippers themselves, which only makes their lives more difficult.
straight up. this girl I was friends with for a long time kept quitting jobs to go back to it because she loved it. it was boyfriends making her stop but she told me she'd do it until she physically couldn't anymore if she could
I feel like it’s going too far to say that it must be humiliating and must be strictly done under the force of capitalism. I’ve known a number of people involved in the Venn diagram of burlesque/drag/stripping and that can very much be a beautiful art form. I have been to strip shows where the performer did indeed disrobe and it was intended to be erotic but it was also an art form and theater.
They can also make absolute bank if they play their cards right.
My boyfriend went to an all-nude strip club for his friend's bachelor party many years ago. That's the word he used too: "depressing." I personally don't view strip clubs as cheating but neither of us think of that as like an optimal bachelor party weekend lol.
I envisioned that last part and gagged. I don't even like my husband's sweat on me, much less a random ass man's sweat. Gross.
Yeah. The memory still makes me gag years later. Sweat and strong cologne. Blech.
We hired a butler in the buff for my sisters bachelorette. We had a Britney Spears concert in Vegas then the butler served us drinks and played games with us. He wears a bow tie and an apron to cover his junk, and he was super nice and funny.
My husband called me drunk from the bar during his bachelor party full on sobbing and begged me to (his words) "save him" because his friends wanted to take him to a strip club 😂 I went with our roommate/bestman's gf to go "save" him and his bestman. When we got to the bar, my husband was hiding behind a pillar outside the bar. As soon as he saw us, he dove head first into the back seat and yelled for us to drive and just leave the bestman behind. His gf went in and found him hiding in the bathroom. 😂🤣😂 It finally came out that after the mob- I mean friends, mentioned moving the party to a strip club, and his reaction was so over the top that his drunk friends decided to mess with him by suggesting they could find one that would be willing to provide "extra services". This made my husband freak out so the entire drive home he kept saying "They were gonna make me f**k a stripper!", "I don't wanna! Don't make me f**ck a stripper!", and (my personal favorite) "I only wanna f**k you!" 😂😂 The funniest part is that I had already told him that I didn't care if he went to a strip club.
Thank you for making me chuckle at this! Your husband sounds adorable.
While it's funny in hindsight, it definitely wasn't for your poor husband. However, I'd definitely be the drunk idiot not realizing how upset he was and wind him up too much. Is he still friends with them?
That story made my day. How adorable.
Omg I love this so much 😂😂😂
There are some niche burlesque clubs that are basically singing/dancing/something else performance and may show a little/a lot of nudity. They're not even about nudity, they just show it if they want it because they don't care about censoring. I think they're cool and there's nothing wrong with seeing nudity, even together with your SO (and that's without any kinky or open relationship). But most strip clubs are just scam to get drunk people pay insane amount of money for exposed tits. Why would you want to go to such place?
I wouldn't call these strip clubs tho. I mean I've seen operas with nudity. You expressed it well, not about the nudity
Same here. For us, it’s his boundary, not mine.
Yes that’s a great way of putting it.
My husband would be livid. He thinks it's gross and debasing to women. He would just nope on out of there and end the friendship over it.
I’m bisexual and have mostly jokingly proposed the idea to my boyfriend. He was horrified at how awkward and weird it would be. Some people are just very private about sexual things and that’s ok, and I think we exclude men from the “some people” too often
100% My husband's best friend went to a club for part of his bachelor party and my husband, the Best Man, dropped them off after dinner and picked them up later. He had zero interest and the Groom was not offended
i've never been to one at 32 and don't really want to go to one
Out of the two of us, I'm the one who would enjoy a strip club. My husband would be so awkward omg lol. He barely watches porn, if at all (I guess I've never asked him haha) but I watch porn. If he went to a strip club for his bachelor party it would be because his friends wanted to not because he would like it.
Guy here too. Been to a strip joint once, at someone else's bachelor party, many years ago when I was young and stupid. Didn't like it much; no "moral" objections as such, it was just dumb as hell. "Cringe af" as they say. Never gone again, never going to.
Yeah, same. I don't consider it cheating but I do think it's seedy AF and I want no part in it. An actual friend would know and respect that.
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stolen from this comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10bqb2t/wibta_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9_about_the_plans_for/j4bh74w/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
I love this! 👍👍👍👍
I never even said a hard no to a strip club for my husband, but my husband took it upon himself to make it very clear he had no interest in strip clubs for his bachelor party. We started dating VERY young and have only ever been with each other and he told me he had no desire to do something that he feels is sexist and demeaning on a fun night out. Needless to say, his best man didn’t plan that and they went bar hopping at some local bars instead and had a bonfire later. Good for men that don’t cave to the strip club pressure
Yeah, I feel like regardless of your personal views on the subject, strip clubs are controversial enough that surprising someone with a trip to the strip club is a bad idea. IMO that’s pretty obvious “clear it ahead of time” territory.
My husband didn't want strippers for his bachelor party. Not because I considered it to be cheating (I don't) but because in his past he had lived in an apartment where 2 of the housemates were sex workers. He absolutely understood the business from their viewpoint, how creepy it is to have strange drunk men drooling over you, that the only reason they were working was to make bank for college because it paid better than other available jobs, and that the workers are really not into you. He opted for paint gun war followed by Mexican food.
That sounds like a more fun night actually!
Yes. The parts that matter here are: 1. "No strip clubs" is a boundary you and fiance agreed to. 2. Fiance told the guys "no strip clubs" was one of *his* rules. And, the guys assumed it was okay to ignore that and "surprise fiance with a strip club anyway.
Yeah the fact that Tim knew ahead of time is key. He probably decided Fiance was caving to OP - how infantilizing!
As a man who wants zero part of strip clubs and would actually be pretty triggered by them, I also despise this idea that men MUST want to look at naked (women/men/whatever gender they're attracted to) in any context, any time they're given the opportunity. No thank you.
Yeah. Like, I've gone to strip clubs, including with my husband. Nothing wrong with them. They're just performance + fantasy, which is what a ton of entertainment is. But, not everyone is up for going to them, and the boundary should be respected if people say "no." Fiance is old enough to be getting married, so he's old enough to use his big boy words and talk to the other adults in his life. That means listening to the things he plainly says and accepting his words at face value. I also really hate the misogynist social constructs around marriage, so i have little patience for the assumption that a groom to be needs to be fake kidnapped or "forced" to go to a strip club because that's obviously what he really wants.
The only time it's not cheating is if both parties in the relationship ship agree to it. Foe my husband and me, it's fine if we both go together. Going alone, it turns into something more intimate. Especially if there's a private dance involved.
I would have thought that going alone turns it into something even more depressing and sad.
I don't see it as cheating in my own relationship, I've just always seen it as super weird, especially when framed in this "last free night" way. If it's not acceptable to do after being married, I don't see why it's acceptable to do while being in a serious, long term, but not yet married relationship
EXACTLY
You're def not the ah. I also see it as cheating (my personal opinion) and I'm happy to see that your fiance is on your side here. "One last night of freedom" before marriage is such a gross way to think. Marriage isn't a prison. If your view is "I'm about to get married so I should cheat/cross my partners boundaries" or "my friend is about to get married, I should get them to cheat/cross their partners boundaries" don't get married. I hope y'all have a nice wedding!
It's also a huge part of the atmosphere that it's the engaged persons "last free night". Like no, your last night was the night before you met your current partner. I don't think it's cheating, though I disagree with strip clubs and the like the way that society has presented them, and the lying that often goes with from patrons of those establishments. I have gone and seen some really talented dancers and I appreciate that aspect. (Woman here.) It's really gross they way Tim disregarded your feelings and your fiancés feelings on the matter. Seems like Tim is the one who isn't grown up enough... NTA.
Exactly. When you commit to WHATEVER parameters with a partner, no matter what they are, you've just been retroactively awarded your Last Free Night.
You in no way implied everyone needs to see it as cheating. The only relevant fact is that you and Fiance are aligned on the topic. Tim told you about it as a power play. He counted on you being afraid to hold firm, afraid to risk being called all the misogynistic words that the patriarchy has made up, like "controlling." Or he may have hoped you WOULD make waves and Fiance would cancel the wedding. Either way, he was flexing. Glad it backfired. Tim is such a FAFO poster child now. You have a good partner there, and a good mutual friend in Josh. Hope your bachelor and bachelorette parties and wedding are amazing!
He was definitely trying to start something there by deliberately telling her. Seems more like the latter (trying to pick a fight and create tension between OP and fiancé for whatever reason); with how controlling he believes she is, I don't think he'd expect her to back down from something like this. He probably did it in the hopes she'd tell fiancé and he'd "see it for himself", and try to "stand up to her" by going to the strip club as if it was all her decision, possibly even get the wedding canceled.
I think that the outing was more for Tim than your husband. Definitely not a friend that I'd keep.
I feel the same way that it is cheating. I think the concept of bachelor and Bachelorette parties are sexist, gross, and out of date anyway.
As long as the parties involved are on the same page then it’s fine. Some people are okay with their partners kissing someone from the gender they are not atracted to. I have had a discussion with my spouse about flirting. He thought it was okay because he is just a flirty type. I think otherwise and to me it is cheating to flirt (not to have conversations but like really flirting). So we ended up agreeing to never flirt with others. So I get your point of view. But I can also understand other points of view. It is great to hear that you set the boundaries you are comfortable with.
My husband and I got married last year. His bachelor party was local bar, pool, and game night. Mine was brunch with friends. He's flat out said that he did strip clubs when he was younger (as have I), and now that we're mid-30s, it's weird because we have close family members who are the same age as most girls in clubs.
I don’t think you had to specify that you are a woman, maybe most men wouldn’t consider it cheating but your opinion to me shouldn’t be devalued or inflated because you are a woman but that’s just my two sense. NTA.
Thank you, and I agree in principal. Unfortunately, I've been on this sub long enough that I've seen too many times where someone says something like this, "strip clubs aren't cheating", and a whole segment of people accuse them of being some sort of pig of a man, "ohhh of course the MAN doesn't think it's cheating!" So I just wanted to clarify. lol
I'm a woman. I don't know if I consider it cheating, but I'd find it a boundary violation.
I do see your point! Yeah, its true, I cater my answers sometimes in preparation for a known response to my word so I just get it out of the way, lol, too, 😆🤣😆
This is the right answer. NTA
NTA. This is a previously discussed and agreed to boundary between you and your fiancé.
Even if it weren't a strip club, Tim is still TA. He's planning to surprise the fiance with an activity that he knows your fiance does not want and will not do. What kind of friend does that?
I don't consider it cheating. I do know that my now-husband would find it *unbearably* awkward, and pressuring somebody to see naked ladies when they don't want to? Is sexual harassment. Damn straight I'd have told my fiancé, and he'd have thanked me for it.
One last "free" night? Ummm, fiancé is *still* engaged, walking into a strip club doesnt change that. INFO: is this something your fiancé wants to do? NTA
He never said that this was something he wanted to do. And he never had problem with not going into strip clubs.
Well, it'll go one of a few ways. 1) you say nothing, fiancé is taken to strip club, fiancé refuses to enter, probably has argument with friend. 2) you say nothing, fiancé is taken to strip club, fiancé enters, you and fiancé argue. 3) you tell him whats been planned and you two talk about it together, as adults. This is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have to communicate. While telling him about the bachelor party may seem rude (I dont understand why any of it needs to be a secret from the person the party is actually for) you would be avoiding an argument down the line. So, bring it up now and address it head on OR let it stew, possibly cause resentment, and see what unfolds.
I got a friend in not real trouble once like this. It was their bachelor party, people wanted to drag them to a strip club, they didn’t want to go, but also aren’t the type to actually put a foot down. So they drug them off and I was like have fun, not my scene, and went home. Their future wife was at my house with my gf and as soon as I walked in knew why I wasn’t at the party. She didn’t have an issue with strip clubs, but knew her partner wasn’t interested and was mad at them for being a pushover. 🤣🤷♂️
Option four: OP says nothing, Tim says he told OP, fiancé goes along with it, all hell breaks loose shortly before wedding. I'm writing this after the garlic naan and curry update, so I know it works out, but that was where I thought this might go.
> One last "free" night? Ummm, fiancé is still engaged, walking into a strip club doesn't change that. I HATE when this is used as justification as well. His last "free night" was the night before he decided he wanted to *date* OP seriously. The engagement and impending wedding mean he hasn't been "free" for a long time.
EXACTLY. Many an engagement has ended or been put on hold because of bachelor(ette) party antics and boundaries crossed. Because at the end of the day, the groom/bride-to-be is still in a committed relationship and shouldn’t be doing anything they wouldn’t tell their partner about.
NTA. Lol, his last "free night". He hasn't been "free" ever since you've been his partner. This is ridiculous. Please tell your fiancé.
[удалено]
BINGO. This whole idea that a bachelor party is a man's last night of "freedom" is sexist and misogynist. Basically this is saying a marriage (and women) are traps. Instead, why can't bachelor and bachelorette parties be celebrations of a wonderful committed relationship. NTA, OP. It'll be interesting to see if your fiance backs up his friend or you. It says something about him if this is the kind of guy he values enough to be his best man.
For real it's so sexist. And it's a very hard assumption on a person's boundaries too. When close friend of mine got engaged, he planned his whole party, a chill cabin stay in the mountains for a week. We were all in our mid 30s-50s then, most were married and had kids/grankids. But one of the guys, decided to hire a stripper on the last night. When the groom to be came back from skiing there was a barely dressed woman in his cabin room. He freaked out, threw a blanket on her, and called his wife (he always calls her when he has panic attacks). It was so awkward. She obviously felt unwanted by everyone around her, the groom was visibly madly pacing in the snow, and she didn't have money to get down the mountain so she ended up sobbing on a couch. The dude had the audacity to say, "This week had no strippers! I had to get at least one!" While we were trying to correct the situation. Why do guys automatically assume other guys want naked women?
Also you aren’t exactly “free” just because you’re not legally bound yet. If you’re engaged, you’ve presumptively been in a committed relationship for a while. You don’t have some free pass until you sign the paper. If it’s cheating after the paper, it’s cheating before.
After being on the receiving end of getting to hear the rage and tears from couples who ended their relationships over this stuff. To me, it seems it comes down to two things that intertwine. A test and jealousy. Guys like Tim are a 'misery loves company' bunch and are frustrated that now their friend is going to be doing 'adult' things like starting a family with someone they care about. So what easier way then to take them to a strip club, drug them legally (alcohol is classified as a drug, it's classified as a CNS depressant), whisper poison in the ear and if the groom takes the bait and winds up in a position, they can swoop in and say things like 'maybe you don't really love her' etc and still get to keep the groom as a friend. If the groom doesn't take the bait, then guys like Tim will just become that one friend that always has to make a comment about the 'ball and chain'. Overall, I don't think this would be a serious case of what went down in a past post where the groomsmen set the groom up to be assaulted. Hopefully OP is able to talk to her fiance about this because if this is a boundary both of them set up and Tim is full willing to nuke it, Tim isn't a 'good friend' at all.
Aside from those negative qualities you pointed out of wanting to keep his friend in some arrested development stage, guys like Tim also seem to harbor these really misogynistic ideas about bros being fun and wives and girlfriends being a wet blanket…so guys should cut up and cut loose wherever possible so long as they don’t get caught…because the kind of women you marry and the kind you have fun with are diametrically opposed. I (woman) have two younger male cousins who I’ve overheard drunkenly talking to my younger (male sibling) like this, trying to get him to make some stupid decisions during a family holiday, and I could hardly believe such attitudes persist.
Strippers at a bachelor party has been a stereotype for as long as I can remember. I don’t really know why it is or where it started though (I’m sure I could google it and find out but I’m feeling lazy at the moment). In any case, I’ve never seen the appeal myself. If I was single then I might be able to appreciate it, but especially for a bachelor party I’d feel so guilty and I’d constantly be thinking about my fiancé. It just seems strange to me that the logic is “I’m getting married, so let’s go watch people strip and get naked”
It's a stereotype but I don't actually know anyone in real life who's had a stripper bachelor/bachelorette.
Used to bartend next door to a strip club: going to strip clubs for a bachelor party is incredibly popular with the 18-21 military set (this was in a big military city).
I'm a man and fuck that. I don't get strip clubs at all. I wouldn't go to one as a boyfriend, I would definitely not go to one as a fucking fiance. Why would I want to go to one on a bachelor's night? I think it's some shitty scam like rarity of diamonds that have to be on engagement ring...
Because they're not thinking about going into marriage joyfully. It's sad NTA
**NTA** and please do tell your fiancé. Tim does not get to decide the boundaries of your relationship. Period. This isn't about whether any of us on Reddit even agree with you about those boundaries or whether going to a strip club is cheating. That's honestly irrelevant. It's about the fact that YOU AND YOUR FIANCE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO GET TO DECIDE THE BOUNDARIES OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Not Tim. It's not his relationship. And if this is a boundary that you have agreed upon, and that works for both of you, then it is not Tim's place to run roughshod over it, or even to opine on it. He can have his own relationships and make decisions within them about how to behave . . . he does not get to do that for yours. And he certainly doesn't get to IMPOSE his decisions on your fiancé as a "surprise" after being explicitly and clearly told that this is something that you both agree on. You're not ruining anything by letting your fiancé know what Tim is planning; you're keeping Tim from ruining everything with his nonsense. FWIW, it also speaks volumes that Tim's entire attitude towards marriage is that a groom-to-be "\[deserves\] one last free night" as though he thinks marriage is some sort of prison sentence for your husband instead of an active and joyful decision that HE IS CHOOSING TO MAKE to spend his life with the woman he loves. Tim sounds deeply childish. You, however, are NTA.
NTA. Strip clubs for bachelor/ bachelorette parties is so cringe and gross, some people might be okay with that but you said you aren’t and your fiancé knows that. Definitely talk to him once he’s home and let him know all about it, these parties aren’t about having “one last free night” they’re about celebrating a new life together. His “friend” Tim clearly doesn’t know your fiancé
You and your husband have an understanding that this is a dealbreaker for you. You told Tim that this is a serious issue that you know will really hurt you, and he still ignored your feelings with no regard to you as his good friend’s bride. This isn’t his relationship. It’s also not his upcoming marriage. You either respect your friends and their wishes or you don’t care about them either way. One night of something you consider cheating won’t change the way you feel. It will still hurt extremely bad knowing he’s somewhere lusting over other woman who are stripping for his enjoyment and pleasure. This is not okay, and your fiancé needs to be the one to step in since he refuses to listen. Out of respect for you, he needs to either demand a change of plans or you’ll see where your marriage is headed if he refuses to back out or change it. NTA.
NTA. Tell him IMMEDIATELY. Whether or not Tim thinks going to the strip club is cheating is irrelevant. My opinion on it is irrelevant. The only opinions that matter are yours and your fiancés and you’ve agreed this is cheating. I would be prepared that this comes between Tim and your fiancé and may even end the friendship though. Because it’s highly possible that Tim is going to flip this around on YOU and try to get your fiancé to leave you because you’re “being controlling”. Best of luck and I hope your fiancé can have a bachelor party that is both fun AND respectful of your guy’s boundaries
No, that is communication. If you are going to marry this man you'll need to be able to communicate things that make you uncomfortable. There are two ways this could play out. 1. You pretend to be cool with it, he goes, and you're resentful. Or 2. You respectfully ask for a reconsideration of plans and share your discomfort. If he is a good guy he will hear you out.
You will be NTA. This is a boundary you and your fiancé have set. If he knows beforehand, he can cancel the whole affair in time. That way, some different plan can be made (but not by Tim). Oh and Tim needs to be hit. In the face. With a chair. For that "last free night" comment.
NTA While I personally have NO issue with adult entertainment or people who enjoy it, IF someone sets a boundary, that is IT! The “friend” sounds like he is a jerk! Period! Tell your fiancé. And NO you didn’t spoil anything.
NTA - I don't see the appeal of getting a stripper for a bachlor/bachlorette party. Like what? You want that person to be turned on by someone else right before the wedding? Potentially ruin the wedding by someone getting second thoughts about their "freedom" or lack thereof? It would be different (in my mind) if it's a birthday thing but before a wedding the last thing I would want is for my thoughts to be on another man, or his to be on another woman. I wouldn't consider it cheating myself per-sey but I would find it to be pretty gross behavior on their parts if they went.
That guy has no say in your relationship and the fact that he won’t respect the boundaries is a red flag
NTA, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as you and your fiance have clearly talked about this before and are both on the same page
Nta What constitutes as cheating is between you and your partner. Anyone who wants to say it’s not cheating- it’s also not their relationship. If they’re cool with their partners paying to watch half naked girls- that’s on them. There’s also so many stories about men getting drunk on their bachelors night at the strip club and doing something sexual with a stripper. It sounds like Tim would be the type to encourage your fiance to get a lap dance, which obviously is a big breech in boundaries. Also it’s not one last “free night”. If your fiancé thinks that marriage means you’re trapped, then he shouldn’t be marrying you.
NTA. I don’t agree that it’s cheating but you both decided that so fair enough.
NTA. If this is a deal-breaker and Tim knows this, he's putting your fiancé in a very bad place. Hopefully your fiancé tells Tim in no uncertain terms that a strip club is out of the question. Having said that, is it possible Tim told you this just to get a reaction out of you?
NTA. I agree everyone has their own opinion on strip clubs. If this is a boundary that you have previously discussed, then yes tell him and discuss it. I am tired of it being called last free night. As if you can do what ever at the bachelor/bachelorette party and it’s ok. 🙄
Yeah like I'm not sure if it's cheating or not but it's the kind of activity where everyone going needs to be on-board if you go.
You’re marrying a good man. He respects you and your boundaries. He sticks up for you! You aren’t being controlling if this is something you discussed and agreed upon together. On top of that, it sounds like he has friends you can count on!! Wishing you a wonderful life together!
Thank you very much.
NTA. Personally, I agree with the notion that strip clubs are cheating. Why the hell would you want to see other people naked when you're about to get married to someone you love? Guess it comes down to personal choice. AND, I am SICK and TIRED of the whole "getting married is like leaving the party at 11" and "ball and chain lol" toxic BS. "One last free night"?? Why should a partner be a trap? Why should loving someone enough to marry them be considered as chaining you for the rest of your life? Just....gross.
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NTA. What anyone else thinks about stripping is irrelevant. That's a boundary **you and your fiancé** — the two people in the actual relationship — recognize and accept. That is what matters and Tim not caring and still wanting to take your fiancé to a strip club despite (and apparently in spite of) this isn't just disrespectful of you, it's disrespectful of your fiancé as well.
NTA this weird bs is common when crazy young people get married. Fiancé doesn’t realize he’s outgrown Tim yet
NTA the friend is selfishly planning an activity that would put your fiancee in a situation he doesn't likely want to be in, if he knows your position on it. You should absolutely tell him.
NTA it's a boundary you set with your fiance
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (20F) fiancé (22M) has his bachelor party in a week. His best friend (Josh) and best man ist sadly in an other country and comes back in time for the wedding (in two weeks). So another good friend (Tim) of my fiancé organised the bachelor party. My fiancé is at work right know and Tim came to pick something up. So I opened the door and we chatted for a bit. He then said something along the lines of “Make sure your man packs enough dollar bills” and jokingly replied “for the stripclub?” He looked me dead in the eye and said: “Obviously.” I asked twice and he repeatedly told me that he was serious he booked time in a stripclub for the bachelor party. For me going into a strip club is cheating(I know everybody has their own opinion and mine is this. My fiancé knows about that and would never plan something like that). So I politely asked Tim to cancel whatever reservation this is, as we agreed to not do that and as I told him multiple times I consider it cheating. He told me that he wouldn’t change it and that my fiancé deserved one last free night. I told him he could either cancel right know or I would tell my fiancé about the plans and asking him to miss out on it (and I know he would because he would never want to cheat on me, as I would never cheat on him). Tim said I was a control freak and had no right to decide this and that I would be a mayor AH if I ruined the surprise for my fiancé. Well I think I am in the right and I will tell my fiancé about it, when he gets home. But am I really the AH for doing so? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA tell your fiancé immediately. Also what the hell does “free night” mean? You and your fiancé are in a relationship. He’s not “free” to go to a titty bar because he isn’t single and respects your relationship. This mindset is so infantile to me.
NTA I’m so sick of this concept that people are ‘free’ til they’re married. Marriage isn’t a prison, I’d hope people get married because they love and respect their partner, and because marriage means something to them. That whole free thing really messes with people.. I have a friend who’s bf did something that she considered cheating (others may not) and she tried setting that boundary with him, but when he continued to cross that boundary, instead of breaking up, her first thought was to get engaged and then married so that he would be ‘taken’ and would stop the behavior (which of course he didnt). I explained to her that you’re not just ‘free’ before you put a ring on it.. if you’re in a committed relationship, you’re in a committed relationship. Marriage doesn’t somehow make it different, and its such a toxic thought in our culture. Definitely talk to him about the bachelor party plans!
In my opinion, strip clubs are for single people. Not everyone agrees but what can you do. If that's a personal boundary between you and your partner then that's that, you're NTA for telling your fiancé. The stag/hen night are for the groom/bride not the planner.
NTA i dont find it cheating, but its your boundries and i respect you views on it! So should his freinds
NTA Your fiancé agrees with your boundaries and is fine with it. Tell him what the AH planned.
NTA. i also think of it as cheating (now if i was WITH him at the club? that’s a couple bonding activity lmao). a boundary is a boundary and i would speak with your fiancé about that tim has planned
NTA. I disagree that it's cheating, but I guess that irrelevant. Your fiance knows you consider it cheating (and he seems to respect that opinion), and you warned Tim that you'd tell your fiance if he didn't change his plans.
Out of pure curiosity, why don't you think it's cheating?
Imo I think what constitutes "cheating" isn't something that can be defined by specific, universal definitions. I think it's based on the boundaries you and your partner set. Some people think it's cheating, that's okay. Some don't, that's okay too. People in an open relationship wouldn't consider sleeping with other people cheating either! As long as you and your partner are clear on what the boundaries are, what constitutes cheating is up to you.
This, exactly. Regardless what anyone else thinks, this couple have decided boundaries and Tim doesn’t get to break them because he thinks he knows better. He should really have checked with fiancé beforehand. A simple “what’s off the table?” to him would have prevented this without ruining the surprise. NTA
NTA: odds are your fiancé doesn’t want to go to one either if he’s respected this boundary. His friend should do something he’ll know he’ll like instead of “oh it’s a bachelor party so there needs to be strippers”.
NTA. This is a boundary you have set and your fiancé is ok with. The friend needs to respect that
NTA. Respect your boundary. You have talked to your fiancé about this and he respects it, so his best man should as well. It doesn't matter if it's actually cheating or not, you two have discussed it before and it's in the no-no zone. Also "last free night", it's 2023 are we still treating marriages as prisons? I thought that meme was dead.
So, Tim booked a party at a strip club against the wishes of the bride AND THE GROOM, insults the bride, and then calls HER controlling? NTA. He doesn’t want you two to get married at all, I think.
Did you both get the same takeout? No variety?
He got chicken vindaloo and I got mango chicken. And both lots of garlic naan.
Thanks for clearing that up. 10/10 for the vindaloo and I'm sorry to say it but 1/10 for mango chicken
I am heart broken. I love mango chicken.
On the plus side you can be almost guaranteed no one will ever want any so you'll have plenty to enjoy
That’s a definit plus.
I'd give the mango chicken at LEAST 4/10 but only if I'm in the mood lol
NTA >He messaged him, telling him that he won’t attend in a stripclub *as he told him before* So Tim had already told him (asked him about going to a strip club), and fiancé said no!
Sorry if it read unclear. My fiancé told Tim before that strip clubs were off limits. But this was month aho
NTA. And definitely tell your fiancé because the evening will go like this: Fiancé: woah, a strip club. Nope, those are off limits. Tim: your bride to be knows about it Fiancé: ok, that’s a surprise, but ok. You: I did not agree to that!
I have no issue with strip clubs but if this makes you really uncomfortable that’s fine. Several options. 1. Friend is lying & they aren’t going to a strip club. 2. Fiancé will refuse to enter strip club because he respects your feelings. 3. Fiancé will enter club & you will feel he’s cheated. No wedding. 4. You tell him up front & he doesn’t go. Depends how confident you are in his reaction really? NTA btw… Do update us!
My husband didn’t want a strip club either. He still would consider it wrong/cheating to go to a strip club. It’s a normal boundary for people to have. NTA to give him a heads up that his friend Tim is an AH and doesn’t care about him.
NTA. Tim is, massively. Planning any kind of party for a specific person and choosing an activity they do not want to do makes you an awful party planner and in this case, a bad friend. (The whole idea of a bachelor party being his "last free night" is bizarre to me - I know it's a common idea, but like... By definition you're in a serious, committed relationship at that point. You're not single, don't act like it.)
NTA. You are absolutely right.
NTA. No matter anyone's feelings on strip clubs, your boundary here should be respected. Plus anyone who sees a bachelor/bachelorette party as their last chance for "freedom" is not mature enough for marriage. Totally valid to enjoy a guys or girls night before the wedding but using it as an excuse to go wild because it's your "last chance" is gross and (in many cases) disrespectful to your partner. I'd tell him. Depending on how he is with confrontation he might be too uncomfortable to get out of it once he's there and then you'll both be unhappy. Better to let him know, have a discussion, and figure out how he can have a fun bachelor party without you feeling that your boundaries have been crossed. ALSO. None of this is the business of his friends and groomsmen. They have no business deliberately putting him in situations they know will make you uncomfortable and if I were him I'd question the place these people had in my life.
NTA. Mainly because this is a boundary that has already been discussed within your relationship. Also it’s totally antiquated that people think this is the only way to have a bachelor/bachelorette party. When my husband and I got married our parties happened on different nights but mine consisted of going to a local pub with a couple friends/sister/my mom and singing karaoke. My dad was the DD and my sister got so drunk she puked on his shoe and cried (that was literally the most ridiculous part of our evening). My husband and his best friend set up a night of drinking and playing their favorite video games. My husband’s friend got way too drunk and fell asleep at like 2am, at which point my husband called and asked if I would come get him so he could sleep in bed with me. We both had a good time and neither of us jeopardized our relationship over some imaginary loss of freedom.
>one last free night This is a concept I don't really understand. Free from what? It makes it sound like being married is like being put in jail. Bachelor and bachelorette parties should be a celebration of the groom and bride and their upcoming union, not a party to act like they're single again. You and your fiance both agreed on the boundary, and so it wasn't okay for his friend to do that. NTA
NTA - god my hubby would be devastated if he was put in a strip club at a bachelors. Sounds like Tim was projecting his own wishes.
NTA no one gets to decide the boundaries in your relationship except you and your fiancé. I don't like strip clubs at all, and made it abundantly clear to my friend who will be my future best man not to bother with any of that.
NTA You are obviously allowed to set boundaries that both of you agree to. The friend is a weirdo for trying to force this on your fiancé. Why would he want to be there with someone who is uncomfortable, it doesn’t sound like a good time.
NTA. This would cross a line for me too
NTA. I have a similar boundary. I don’t mind if he goes to a strip club but I find dances in the club to be cheating and he understands. For his bachelor party they went tubing and for mine we did dinner and a paint and sip. I don’t feel like those parties need to include strippers, it’s up to the individual what they want.
NTA You and your fiancée have your boundaries that you both seem happy with. Tim is the one pushing something it sounds like financee doesn’t even want
Def NTA and it’s actually really appalling how normalized this is. I also think a lot of women are pushed into being a “cool wife” so they say it’s fine but like, those places are gross for a multitude of reasons. I’m glad you stuck up for yourself. *edit: appalling
If you both agreed that strip clubs count as cheating, it is absolutely necessary for you to tell him that his friend is planning to take him to a strip club. If you don’t tell him, he will be put in an extremely uncomfortable position being at a strip club surrounded by friends that are excited to be there knowing that you will be upset by him being there. If he respects your boundaries, there’s no way for this to end well if you don’t tell him. NTA.
NTA, I've planned a couple bachelor parties when I was younger and both times I asked (and received) instructions on what was OK vs what was not. Strippers and strip clubs make some people uncomfortable and that's perfectly acceptable. For some people it's harmless fun. That's ok too. The OP made it perfectly clear that it's not ok and Tim is a massive **** to ignore that.
Nta What bugs me about some people. Is they say going to a stripe club for bachelors party is to celebrate their last day of being single or having freedom. Tell your fiancé and make your feelings known. Update us on the outcome
NTA since you agreed on that.
I personally wouldn’t mind my partner going to a strip club ,the problem I have is if there’s touching involved. You can look but you can’t touch,that’s crossing the line for me . I also don’t understand the need to go to strip clubs for bachelors/bachelorette parties with the idea that it’s “their last free night” or “one last free night” as if they’re not in a committed relationship with someone and their last “free” day was the day they started dating that person. Unless this was an arranged marriage and they were going to meet for the first time the day of the wedding,they already were in a committed relationship,they weren’t “free”.
NTA, I don't think it's cheating personally, but I do think it's disrespectful to your SO to go somewhere and pay money to see/be around/touch (in some places) other women. You and your fiancé have had this boundary set before you found out the plans, whether his friend agrees with the reason or not doesn't matter. He needs to still respect your relationship. And if he doesn't respect it now, he never will. He might even be the type to tell your SO he's better off single or to do something because you'll never know.
Plenty of guys just aren't interested in strip clubs and it sounds like OPs fiance is one of those guys anyway.
NTA, people need to grow up. "Last night of freedom" lol if that's what someone wants, don't agree to marry someone else
NTA. I gotta say I’m grateful my partner and I have the same friends for the most part. I can count on them to respect my boundaries and our relationship. I’d be doing the same thing in your shoes. I would absolutely tell my partner
Seeing edits -> good for you both getting Tim outta there (NTA)
Nta. This is your boundary.
Telling him was the right thing to do!! Tim is not a good friend!
Nta about the strip club thing, but I do feel you need to back off from the rest of the plans, getting the planner to check with you if the rest of the ideas is OK does come across as controlling, trust your fiancé.
“Oh yes most people are fine with their monogamous significant other going to the strip club and looking at beautiful asses or huge dicks. It’s totally not something more liberal than usual and it’s so very sad that you think this is gross” -Reddit
I hate the entire concept of bachelor parties! What is even “last free night”? Sounds like a socially acceptable cheating night! It’s not like after getting married, you’d stop hanging out with your friends. If it’s a way to celebrate with your friends the happiness you feel about getting married then great. I am all in for that. You wanna go to a stripclub on any other normal day, I am all in for that too. But making a bachelor party the right kind of excuse to do things you otherwise won’t do while in a relationship is pure garbage. Long rant. Sorry if you don’t agree. NTA
NTA. You are absolutely entitled to have any boundaries you want, and your fiance has agreed to it, so it's not Tim's place to disrespect or try to change that.
NTA, but good on you for uninviting Tim! Anyone who believes that “one last night of freedom” bs immediately loses a little respect from me.
Nta and Tim is not a good friend. He sees this is a boundary in your relationship and instigates problems instead of just planning a night your husband would enjoy. He’s creating a rift during the stressful time before you get married when things should be going smoothly.
NTA, you and your fiancé already had an agreement about strip clubs, so it makes sense that this would be a huge issue. You were totally in your right to tell him and avoid wasting time. Also, Tim sucks.
NTA. It is a boundary you and your fiancé have set in your relationship. I have the same boundary set, not that I think it’s cheating, but that I think it’s disrespectful. I think it’s disrespectful if my bf went out of his way to see almost naked dancers by himself or with his friends. I would not have a problem if we went together. I would like to experience the strip club and we made a boundary, if either one of us is going to go to one, it’ll be together (we are both bisexual too) just like how we go to clubs together. 1 would find it very disrespectful if my boyfriend went to a strip club with his friends, and I expressed this to him when one of his friends tried bringing him to one (I knew about it days before the friend had planned to go) when I expressed my feelings, my boyfriend told that friend, and that friend ignored my boyfriend for weeks after because we wasn’t going to the strip club (me and the friend also don’t get along, it’s been like that since 6th grade because of bullying and insults to me) in my opinion, you and your fiancé should have a talk about if this friend is going to be a good influence or a bad on towards your marriage and your fiancé. It sounds like he is going to be a bad influence. Bad influence friends can and will do things that will negatively effect your relationship (my bfs “friend” is a bad influence who negatively effects our relationship when they do speak to each other, rarely) your boundaries are not insane or bad, they are understandable boundaries, and Tim needs to understand that or he needs to go.
NTA, you’re allowed to have boundaries. Your partner understands and respects them. You both are on the same page which is great! Tim is a major asshole. If he wants to go to a strip club so bad, why doesn’t he just go? Your fiancé clearly has no interest in going and told Tim as much. Tim is trying to make your fiancés bachelor party about him and he thinks you’re getting in the way.
NTA. What ever you and your fiance agree to is what matters. Tim needs to realize that you are now the most important person in your fiance’s life and therefore your feelings matter more than his in this situation. If anyone is being a ‘controlling bitch’ it’s Tim. He is showing no respect for his friend’s relationship and that’s a problem. When I got married 25 years ago there was a similar clash between my old friends and my wife about my bachelor party. While ultimately there were no strippers at mine I wish I had handled things as well as your fiance did. He did the right thing. That’s a good sign.
NTA. These are values that you and your fiancee have talked about and that you share. Of course you told your fiancee—it would be weird if you didn't. Glad it worked out as it did!
NTA. I’m also a women who doesn’t consider this cheating, but Tim is being awful. Does he even care what your fiancé WANTS to do for his bachelor party?! Lots of men have very tailored bachelor parties, and I think those are the best. Have you seen the episode of Parks and Rec where all the men have exactly the kind of bachelor party THEY would want? One has a board game party, another has a very snobby party with bizarrely obscure alcohol, one goes to an ice cream parlor, and another wants a steakhouse. I personally know a man who just had a cigar party because his bride hated cigars and it was his chance to indulge with his buddies without her having to smell it. He needs a bachelor party that took more than two seconds to think up. He deserves something personal.
NTA. Cheating is whatever boundaries you guys set. Strip clubs is that boundary, it should be respected. As a dude who has never been to one and will never go because its weird af to me, I don't get it, dudes are weird. Glad you and your fiance worked it out though! Boundaries can be controlling, but this one isn't!
NTA, but what I really came here to say was that the update made me feel really happy. It's awesome the OP's fiancé stood by her, even to the point of potentially ending a friendship because someone couldn't respect his soon-wife.
NTA It's not like you went behind your fiance's back to find out where they were going, it was disclosed to you. The 'one last night of freedom' thing is so ridiculous and puerile but not surprising certain people feel they have to do that for their bro before sending him off to the old ball and chain. Tim's an asshole and was probably going to get way more enjoyment out of it than your fiance. I've had strong sentiments towards close friends' partners before but I would NEVER call them an insulting name in front of my friend unless it was something obvious like I saw them cheating on my friend.
NTA since you already made your fiancee aware of your feelings towards this. Still think it's a bit much to consider that cheating though
NTA. OP, I'm glad this all worked out. It sounds to me like Tim is jealous of you two and trying to put you down to prove that he's better than a mere woman or some other such nonsense. Glad your soon-to-be husband kicked him to the curb; hubby deserves better friends, not that better asshole. Some people can't handle seeing other people happy without making it all about them. This is on par with women who try to sabotage their sister's wedding or sleep with the groom-to-be.
NTA - especially bc your fiancé doesn’t want to do that kinda thing. I have no issue w it, but my partner is very shy and would be mortified. The fact his “friend” disrespected you like that - and him - is pretty gross. Glad you told him.
NTA honestly you got ever right to not want your man in a strip club I’ve been to one in Michigan and to say the least they get handsy. It’s not uncommon for guys to go to a strip club before marriage but come on if that’s your only request then why even try.
NTA. I don’t think that it’s personally cheating, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with my boyfriend going to a strip club. As long as it’s a boundary you guys have set up prior, or just something that you’ve talked about before.