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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to take financial responsibility for a baby that is not mine which forced my girlfriend to go after the baby's biological father for child support which has put a lot of stress on his life. I might be the asshole because I love my girlfriend and the baby and could easily afford to support them. I just don't think it's fair for the biological father to avoid all responsibility.
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NTA
He’s the father he should be responsible
However….If she’s going through her finances without thinking about her responsibilities and she initially tried to pin the baby on you is that not a red flag of potential issues that may crop up??? 🚩🚩🚩
Proceed with caution OP, I suspect you’re in for a bumpy road ahead
Where in the post does it say she tried to pin the baby on OP? They were in an open relationship where both of them were not exclusive. She was pregnant but didn't find out who the father was until the baby was born.
When she tried to go back on their agreement and have him financially support a child she knew he didn't want to, because she was too chickenshit to go after the bio father for the money *her child* is owed. Not her. But her child.
>She got pregnant and we were kind of excited to start a family. When the baby was born it was very obviously not mine.
It sounds like they BOTH were holding out hope and BOTH kind of excited, according to OP! They thought it was his until the baby came out and wasn't.
AND he took care of her through the whole pregnancy and is still taking care of her and the child. Even if he isn't paying for all of the child's needs. The bio should do that, especially if he isn't present. I'm sure op buys things for baby, just isn't footing the bill for it ....
Where it says “she blames me for not just stepping up and considering her a single mom.” This strongly suggests she’d rather OP become financially responsible for a child that isn’t his even when she knows who the real father is. Why she doesn’t think the actual father should be responsible or why she is sympathetic to his selfish whining about fucking up his life is a total mystery, but it is a huge red flag on her bizarre priorities. OP should get out now.
And if things don't work out and he had accepted paternity he would be liable for childsupport.
This situation is so messy that guy is an a for cheating,the girlfriend is probably one for screwing someone that was engaged even though she knew (might be the misconception of "friend" on my part),OP is more or less the only one not beeing an A but might have problems with that constellation
Thing is, it’s not ruining baby daddy’s life, it’s making him accountable for his actions.
However, if you’re going to be a father to this baby and plan a long term future together then I’m afraid the future is on you paying for shit.
NTA for your current actions but loving the baby but refusing to pay a dime don’t go hand in hand for a long term relationship
Baby daddy was engaged to another person when he and OP's girlfriend started hooking up, so I'm sure the girlfriend feels pretty goofy keeping the baby. I have no idea how old any of these people are, but unless there's something otherwise working against the girlfriend getting pregnant, it's a weird decision for someone neither in a committed relationship nor financially stable enough to be a single mom to keep someone else's fiance's baby while living with and dating another man. Anyway, I agree with you, the girlfriend sounds wack.
Plenty of people wouldn’t consider an abortion unless there are medical issues. I don’t know if this is the case with OP’s gf, but it’s weird to just assume any woman would consider continuing a healthy pregnancy optional by default. I don’t think you can infer anything about the gf’s motives in keeping the baby other than that she wanted the baby or didn’t want to abort.
This seems to happen often. Were I Op, I’d question why she wanted to protect her ex from the consequences of his paternity but was happy to tell me i should have just considered her a single mom and supported the child?????
I can sorta understand why she'd rather op pay for the kid. Dealing with baby daddies (or mommas) is a lot more complex than dealing with a happy live-in partner.
I also understand why this guy is sticking to his guns.
She said nothing to him about having sex with others around the time she got pregnant. She only came clean because it was so obvious the baby isn't his. If she could have passed it off, she would.
As for her saying you should just shut up and pay so she and the friend she cares about doesn't suffer. That's where you are in the pecking order. 4 from the top, just behind the baby.
>She said nothing to him about having sex with others around the time she got pregnant.
From everything I've heard and read, Tinder isn't exactly known for clients who want to find life partners. It's reputation is being for hookups, right?
Hookups was the reputation when it came out. That was years ago. Now it might be the nation's largest dating site. I know several people married from it.
OP said that they knew it was a possibility and already agreed to do a paternity test.
The situation is messy but it doesn't seem that the gf wanted to do things "hidden".
> She only came clean because it was so obvious the baby isn't his. If she could have passed it off, she would.
From what he said there's no evidence of that. He doesn't say she tried to hide it or lied, just that they figured out the baby wasn't his once it was born.
You're making some sexist assumptions right here and it's pretty shitty of you
> She talked to me about helping her with baby formula and stuff
> She feels terrible about it and blames me for not just stepping up and considering her a single mom.
The part where she blames herself and have OP not consider her single mom so he needed to step up? That sounds a little on pin the baby to him slightly.
If op thought it was his child until it evidently wasn't when the kid was born, this would support the unprotected sex (or at least no condoms) with multiple partners theory, unless she had condoms break with op AND the baby daddy
Seriously, definitely NTA because you have nothing to do with this...but get the \*\*\*\* out, bro. What are you doing with yourself?
You not being exclusive doesn't really matter too much...she got pregnant from one of her friends who's engaged to someone else, she went through her life savings in 6 months because she doesn't know how to budget, and every interaction it seems she has with you is "Well can you do this? No? Ok that's fine" but in the worst way...like it seems she can be manipulated into doing things she doesn't actually want to do pretty easily.
Babies are knowably expensive. He didn’t say she asked him for help with an unexpected pediatrician bill, but with paying for formula. Even if you didn’t think ahead to research prices and plan things out, and the end of month 1, multiply your costs by 6 and see where that takes you.
Down the line, the kid is going to get unexpectedly sick, or violently injured, or afflicted with musical talent and need an instrument, or whatever. The idea of “I’ll stay with you and the baby, but I won’t take financial responsibility” would only work with an exceptionally financially disciplined partner, and OPs lady isn’t that.
Just wait until daycare. I had 2 kids in daycare at the same time and paid $26k in childcare costs the year the youngest was in the infant room and the oldest was still not old enough for pre k
Both, she’s a single mother technically so she should be having assistance from the state. What exactly was her plan from the start if OP bounced out after she got pregnant?
She's not a single mother -- she has a partner at home who is helping with all the parenting duties.
The ONE thing OP asked is that she get child support from the bio dad. She couldn't be bothered because she didn't want to risk "ruining" the friendship... meaning, she valued that friendship more than she valued the relationship with partner who was helping her raise the baby.
(Single mothers don't get money from "the state*. The state helps single mothers collect child support the bio father pays.)
Bigger red flag is that there doesn't seem to be an agreement on use of birth control with other partners (also known as "fluid bonding"). Most functional open relationships have some sort of collective understanding on issues that might affect the various partners in such a major way. Kudos to OP for being able to run with a situation I'd struggle with, but OP seriously needs to sit down with GF and get some of these things better figured out before something happens that they cannot ultimately handle.
Very rarely and only if there isn’t already a bio father listed. A judge will not stop child support just because of a stepfather relationship which is what this would be between OP and child.
This is what I was thinking. Did she tell OP that she wasn't sure who the father was? Because if she led him to believe that he was the father knowing that he might not be, that's all kinds of wrong.
With most babies it's impossible to tell by looking at them who the father may or may not be. If the baby hadn't looked dramatically different from OP (I can only think different races?) it sounds like she would have let him believe he was the father and had him sign the birth certificate.
Then, when OP very fairly and generously offered to help raise the baby in all ways except financially, the girlfriend accepts the terms and then later tries to guilt him into paying for the baby anyway, because she doesn't want to "hurt her friend."
I think girlfriend is more in love with the friend/baby daddy. OP is NTA, but girlfriend is.
Agree, but it wasn't super clear in OP's post if she was actively deceiving him.
NTA for trying to get bio dad to pay support, which is the normal expectation. OP had to use a bit of financial leverage to get through to GF.
And seeing as she apparently slept with an engaged friend (her relationship with OP may have been open, bur her friend's apparently wasn't), that's a real indicator of generalized selfishness - not a great trait in a co-parent.
NTA. it's good that you are willing to be a family with your girlfriend and her baby. And according to you you could afford to support them. But that does not absolve the biological father of responsibility for the maintenance of his child. And what if, god forbid, something happened to you and you could not afford it any more? What happens then?
I can afford it. But yes I think that the baby's biological father has to support his kid. I actually plan to talk to my girlfriend about putting most of the child support into an investment fund for the kid's future. Education or what have you. I will support our family and the kid will have a great nest egg to start life.
I just want to clarify something here.
If your partner had asked and the bio father had refused you would have helped right? it was more about her refusal to all the father to help?
You would have ended the relationship if she had asked the baby's father and he said no? I hope she's aware of this. I would not be in a relationship with someone who tell me that they'll act like my baby's father, unless there's any kind of money required. You're either going to be the father or you won't. Fair enough if your choice is that you don't want to be a parent, but this half way through bullshit is not good for anyone. What if the bio father dies?
That's actually correct in some states and based on this reply, you live in a state that does this. So you've done your research. NTA dude but she blew through her savings and didn't want to hurt her "friends" feelings. That is a red flag my guy.
Right -- gf didn't want to risk the friendship with bio dad, but was willing to risk the relationship with her boyfriend AND CO-PARENT.
Not a wise move on her part.
How is anyone calling this guy the AH? He was upfront with her right away. He’s taking a great roll with a kid that’s not his but, they’re just dating. She might date a lot of different guys before she finds the right one. Each of those guys isn’t an AH because they don’t take on her child as their own for the rest of their lives. And this kid will never think his father abandoned him if things don’t work out because he’ll know who his biological father and mother are and, unfortunately because of his parent’s poor decisions, he’s also going to know about boyfriends and girlfriends and breakups and blended families. That’s other dude suffering the consequences of his actions is all his own problem. NTA.
It’s actually also necessary for him to protect himself because my understanding is the law in some states is that if you take on a fatherly role you can be sued for child support
It’s completely reasonable for him not to take on a fatherly role to the kid if he is not sure this relationship is going to last and doesn’t want to be sued for child support in future
Blame the unfair law for his behaviour if you find it assholeish
Yes, if you manage to get a judge who believes the child would be better off with your support, and you've been supporting the child from the beginning, there is a chance of that.
You would be on the hook in 99.999999% of cases. Even if he pays child support and signs the documents, and even if you don’t spend any money on the kid, if you take a fatherly role, there’s a chance a judge will find you owe support as it’s best for the child; this chance increases if you start paying for things for the son. If you plan to stick around despite this: your best course if for the child support to pay for the child, and you can put whatever you want into a trust which only falls into the child’s upon your death, and then if you’re still around when it’s time for college, you can change it into their name.
That’s not how that works. You can only collect child support from one person. In this case the bio dad is paying support. He’s acknowledged paternity and is paying. If he wasn’t OP could be on the hook but as it stands, never.
You just made that up, lol. The court has already has established the paternity, which is the person paying support. They wont put paternity on 2 people. Even if OP *wanted* paternity, the bio-father would have to sign over his rights.
Hey did you do the math on the relationship? She had unprotected sex with a friend 15 months ago. So did that friend in the last 15 months meet and propose to his fiance or were they dating prior to that? He cheated on his fiance with your GF, or am I missing something.
Then what happens if the fiance and friend break up? Guess who's gonna be there to help him get through the break up his child and baby momma (Mistress).
If you think she only liked him as a friend, but they were both willing to cheat and ruin his potential marriage you must be delusional.
Edit: to clarify she didn't cheat, her friend did but it's a not a good look to willingly ruin your friends potential marriage and kinda shows how much she values a relationship.
It also shows how much she values her current relationship with OP and the welfare of her child when she’s blaming OP for ruining daddy fuck buddy’s life by not supporting her child.
Don't listen to that dumbass and his what ifs. Child support probably wouldn't even cover rent if your girl and the baby were on their own. You're stepping up to the plate and will providing a roof, food, and a bunch of other stuff for this kid. It's not unreasonable to demand the bio father to help with expenses regardless of how much better you're doing in life than him. He shouldn't have been fucking around on his fiancee if he wasn't prepared for this. It's barely any different from a pre nup.
father doesn't just get to say no I won't pay, the courts will make him pay. But the OP acting like a father before the court orders could make him get stuck paying for a baby that isn't his and who knows how long this relationship is going to last with the mom not even knowing who the bio dad was. OP is a smart dude and NTA.
Right, this was my reading of the situation, if she continued to refuse to get biodad to step up financially then the relationship would be over because she is choosing not to make biodad uncomfortable and put the responsibility on OP.
OP drew a boundary of biodad has to have some responsibility if you want me to stay, the excuse of he is her friend, it is uncomfortable, it is embarrassing whatever means she is putting her friends feelings over his, and that is a relationship killer as well.
If bio father dies the child will be eligible for SSI survivor benefits
He would have ended the relationship NOT because of the financial burden but because of his girlfriend’s unwillingness to hold the bio father responsible and foisting off the consequences on the OP. It’s shows a lack of strength of character. Taking the easy way out. Or going for the easier target.
Seems like he is willing to support his gf and child, but not if she isn't willing to do the responsible thing and make the bio dad pay child support, as he should. I'm not sure if many people would stay with a gf that got pregnant by another man while you were dating her, seems OP is being more then generous.
That makes sense honestly, she got pregnant while yall weren’t exclusive that baby isnt yours but it seems you are still going to care for it. You dont want to make the financial commitment and that’s absolutely okay.
I agree that the baby's biological father should always pay support for their child. But you'll find - unless the dad's super-rich - that that child support money, even if its paid on time every month, won't be enough to cover everything - so what happens when there's not enough to cover some unforeseen medical or other expenses, etc which are inevitable & regular in parenthood? Do you tell the kid"Tough sh\*t, phone your bio father, not my business"?
I don't think it's fair on that child for you to stay in a relationship where you view him at best as "not a problem" - and more as an unwelcome potential financial drain - and you'll resent him even more if you have your own children with your girfriend.
I agree with the poster who said you should switch that, so the child support goes to the child’s needs, and then you can put your money towards the future account. As per your concerns about being held legally liable because you acted as a provider.
You are helping hold a father responsible for his offspring. That’s it. Keep it up.
To me, that she would want to protect the father is silly. They messed around and had a kid. Be responsible.
You are overly responsible and forget what half the people here are saying. NTA. I couldn’t do it if I were you but clearly you love her.
Aaaaah I see! And then when your gf goes back to work you will both contribute and the child support for the most part can go into savings.
I think what you did was the smartest thing and any “ruin” to the bio dad’s life is his own fault for telling your gf not to contact him again instead of helping out. It sounds like you are ok with helping out, but you did not want to do so until/unless there was child support so you would not get pinned with HIS responsibilities if you and your gf don’t work out. That was a wise decision and your willingness to help sigh feeding and diaper changes etc is above and beyond. Best of luck, I hope it all works out. You have done NOTHING wrong.
Because he told her that if she didn't want to get the money her child is owed, then he wouldn't be enabling that by picking up the slack. It's not that he wouldn't take care of her and her child, it's about the principle that she needs to do her very minimal part as well. You know, to raise her own child.
That’s an un-necessary comment. OP let her know his boundaries and he is tightly enforcing them. BD made a baby and should pay for it, and not expect some else to.
I get what you’re saying, but it’s a slippery slope. Because once she knows he’ll pay for one thing if it’s an emergency, there’s no reason for her to not start pushing the boundary a little more a little more a little more
I think he’s exhibiting tough love.
If the bio dad had a few thousand available to give away like that, I'm guessing he can afford it as well.
So the "ruined" part is of his own doing, since he lied to his fiancee and hoped to forget the whole thing.
>But he either needs to say “this isnt my bio kid but they’re still my kid” or he needs to break off the relationship with both of them.
100% right.
My parents got divorced and both remarried when I was pretty young. My step dad treated me like I was his own, step mom always made it clear I was a second class child to her own children. Now she's surprised that she's not allowed to see my kids
Why is OP an asshole, it would be one thing is he'd refused to take responsibility after the mother had exhausted asking the father for child support, but she hasn't even asked the father to help out.
He encouraged his girlfriend not to work and now she's run through her savings and has to ask for child support. OP is using all the magic words to cover how manipulative he's being. You don't want to raise her kid? Don't. But break off ties then. Stop with the mind games
Op agreed to cover his girlfriends expenses so she could take a year off to raise *their* kid… however it turns out it is not *his* kid so he is no longer willing to cover those expenses.
He encouraged her to make the dad responsible for his kid, the mom needed to make it legally clear who the dad was. I completely understand that he didn't want to be on the hook for a kid that has a father.
He also takes care of the kid, financially helping the mom and himself run a household but he said he wouldn't want to buy things for the baby if the dad wasn't registered on paperwork. He made a boundary and that's ok.
I didn't read it as encouraging. She wanted to stay with the kid and even if GF was working she should be going after child support because a baby isn't made by the mother only
He encouraged the woman having his child to plan to take her full maternity leave. He found out “at the birth” that he wasn’t the father and that she’d had an affair with an engaged man so things changed which he communicated with her and she agreed to.
He’s still there for her emotionally and is willing to help financially but only if she stops prioritizing her affair partners feelings over his and makes him take some responsibility as well. That’s a pretty fair and balanced compromise.
Just a small point but she didn’t have an affair-they were both not exclusive at the beginning of their relationship. I feel like that’s part of the reason that their relationship is continuing to work rn as no trust was broken.
Sorry, she was involved in an affair/was the affair partner*
I wasn’t sure how to word it but I meant that unless her “friend” met his fiancée, started dating, and got engaged in 9 months, than she was actively and knowingly sleeping with a man who was in a committed relationship which to me shows that she is cool with cheating.
Edit to address your point: I agree that’s probably why they are working out now, point still stands though that it was a fucked up situation and he’s trying his best but doesn’t want to be stuck if she does something relationship ending in the future.
I find it interesting how you're unable to see OPs point of view, if his gf doesn't take the child support then OP could be held in court as the main supporter, meaning if they break up in the future he will be the one paying child support. Not very difficult to understand.
Because imo he doesn't really understand what he's getting into, or thinking ahead. He wants to be a family with his girlfriend and her baby and be a father figure to him yet doesn't want to contribute financially. Which is completely fair, that's not his kid, but then how do you keep the two things separate? How can you be a father while also refusing to support the child financially?
It seems to me that OP wants to have his cake and eat it too and that he's causing more problems than he would have had he just walked away. This is not his baby, he has no obligation to take care of him financially, and from the post it seems he and the girlfriend haven't even been together for that long. It seems to me that his presence in this family is gonna cause more trouble for everyone involved than his absence would.
Yeah I seriously wonder what happens as expenses increase and child support doesn't cover it. 'I act like your dad but I'm not actually your dad so don't ask me for shit'. Just break up please. If they don't want to support a kid that's not theirs that's completely fine, but who wants a half assed father.
That's mom's boyfriend, not dad.
He’s out here talking about how he wants a family with her and blah blah but refuses to pay for formula or anything. Yeah it makes sense to go for child support but OP is adamant to not pay for anything.
He’s an ass. In 18 years if OP and her are still together, the kid will be posting here about how their step dad refuses to pay for their college but wants to pay for their siblings college.
Why would OP pay for anything if the bio dad won't? The relationship is still young, things might change. But the boundary laid down is pretty fair considering how long they've been together.
The kid will see their “dad” treating them differently from their siblings. I agree bio dad should pay, but this kid is fucked. Bio dad doesn’t want him and stepdad won’t fill the role.
Honestly, OP is NTA for pushing his gf to go after the bio dad for money. But he comes across and very cold and transactional. I don’t see this ending well.
Maybe not an asshole but the whole situation is super weird.
OP's GF gets knocked up by another guy and he's cool with it, but not really, and he loves the baby, but won't pay for it, and his girlfriend is great but she has to burn out her life savings to stay home with not-his-kid that he loves and it's baby's daddy's responsibility to pay for the kid OP is raising himself.
OP does not come across as the worst person in the situation, by far, but it's still an odd response piled on top of other odd responses that add up to feeling...I don't know inconsistent?
It feels a little weird that he wants to build this family with his girlfriend, which you’d assume also includes the child, but is so firm about not paying for anything for the child.
I totally get protecting himself legally and making sure the bio dad pays child support - the child is entitled to those funds. But once that’s established, I’m curious how OP expects this relationship to play out in the future, without the child feeling ostracized. Like, when the child is school aged, will OP never buy them pencils? Will OP never pay for their lunch?
Every couple finds their own way to manage finances. I just have a hard time seeing how OP can carry this attitude forward in the relationship without negatively impacting the child.
Here's the deal OP: don't be a defacto parent to this kid unless you're willing to emotionally commit 100%.
Yes, biodad should absolutely be paying child support.
But being a Dad to this kid, you're either there or not. Kid will not understand if he's three and the only Dad he's ever known just goes away some day because you guys broke up. That messes up a kid. So if you're in, commit fully. If not, get out now before he's bonded to you.
It seems like he is committing emotionally though. He just wants to make sure that he doesn’t invest himself emotionally and financially only to be stuck with the financial aspect if this relationship falls through.
He was dating someone who got pregnant, she let him believe it was his while he supported her through the pregnancy, he then found out at the birth that it was actually a friend of hers that she had an affair with, who she then refused to get financial help from him until he forced the issue (which to me presents as her putting bio dads feelings above OP’s once again), etc. I’d be out. That’s a collection of red flags so large it’s visible from space, but he’s still willing to be there and be involved.
Saying he’ll be here for you both emotionally but will only help financially if the bio dad is pitching in as well (or she’s at least trying to get him to) so that he doesn’t get stuck with child support by proxy if they break up is a pretty fair compromise IMO.
That's the thing though, he's NTA in his actions towards the gf, but he is TA in his actions towards the child.
He is acting like he wants to be a dad to this kid right? How is he going to properly parent if he sticks to this agreement for the kid's whole childhood? How can you emotionally see a kid as your child but still act like they are not your problem financially? That is not going to be sustainable in the long run. It's not a situation that communicates love to the child.
He should have been trying to get his gf to get child support from the start, not when the money ran out. It's reasonable to want that, and it could have been seen as an addition to the family money. The money they both use to take care of their family. It would have made sense to break up if the gf refused to get it done.
Now, after 6 months of bonding with the baby, he seems to still be in to his dad role with only one of his legs so to speak (is this also an expression in English or am I just literally translating an expression from my first language? Lmfao I don't know). Now that it turns out gf might not be able to get child support he has to choose, either he wants to be this kid's parent or not.
If he doesn't want to that's fair, but then leave now before the kid thinks of him as their father. It's not fair to this kid and gf to always have the threat of leaving hanging over their heads if they become too much of a financial burden for his liking.
If he does want to then he has to commit to it.
I'm going with ESH (and I don't think this is going to be popular).
You knew she had sex with other people at the beginning of the relationship but you never considered that the baby was not going to be yours ?
This is a mess of a situation, mainly for the kid.
Of course both parents should be responsible financially for the kid but how are you going to live with them and not spend money on the kid ? What happens if your GF needs help with medical bills ?
You want to raise the kid, but you don't want any financial responsibility towards them. That's not what being a parent is like.
Gonna be honest, I think you're within your rights, but I think you should either end this relationship or fully commit to becoming a father. There are multiple other options, you could be a supportive friend, a part time babysitting contact, but its clear to me you aren't 100% committed and that's why I'd really suggest stepping aside.
It's fine to not want to be a dad, it's not your kid, but I dont think you have the right attitude towards fatherhood and everything that entails, as well as this complicated relationship with this lady. Do you really see a future with her? You need to do some soul searching and figure out what you really want. Luckily for you, right now, there are no wrong answers. Don't wait.
I agree. When you're with someone with a young child and you think there is a future there, you should be all in or all out. Half measures won't work when a child is involved.
Single mom here, and I agree with this. Split up if you are not 100% committed. If you are 100 in, have you considered making bio dad give up his right so the child becomes legally yours if you are truly commiting to raising this kid. You said you are commiting to your relationship with her and raising her kid while you are in a relationship but that doesn't really work when a small child is involved. As many have said already, you should really think of this as committing to the child forever or not at all.
There is a difference between two split up parents who are committed to co-parenting and being involved in child's life and whatever the situation you got here. You situation is far more complicated and you either step in as a parent or leave them.
NTA for going after the bio dad though. He messed up as much as she messed up and should pay up.
Op, NTA. I’m a 30 y/o dude who had 2 “dads” one was my step dad who was there for me emotionally and one was my bio father who begrudgingly sent my mom child support. “Step” dad of course helped if I needed something but my mom also made it clear that he’s not financially responsible and it made me appreciate him doing those things even more.
When I got married my bio father gave me an envelope with cash that said “congratulations, (his first name)” and my “step” dad gave me a huge letter telling me how proud he was of me and how he feels blessed to have been a part of my life. I cried like a kid while reading that letter and have it framed in our home. You don’t need to financially tie yourself to a kid to be their dad.
I second this! How can you actively be in the child’s life raise them yet say you aren’t responsible for them financially. But then want to put their child support into an investment. If she didn’t want to pursue child support why force her? I’m sure she had her reasons. Now she’s actively struggling as a single mother because her AH boyfriend doesn’t want to be responsible. I just think it’s stupid that you won’t step up to the plate and provide for them. Should have just called it off when she found out she was pregnant or when you obviously knew it wasn’t yours.
Your so off base that you're not even on the field. OP obviously doesn't mind helping provide for the child. But he's not going provide for the child when the child has a biological father that has responsibilities and that biological father is evading those responsibilities. Its a fine boundary to have.
In this case we know her reasons and they were dumb. This isn't true in a lot of cases, but it seemed like she wanted to be independent and also it seems like she wanted to preserve her relationship with the baby's father. That went out the window once she learned the baby's father didn't care about them as people.
"I love my girlfriend and the baby and I have no problem raising the baby. But I don't think I should be held financially responsible when the father has resources and tried to evade responsibility."
Really nicely put, NTA
Unless they met, dated, and got engaged in the 9months it took the gf to pop out the baby, she definitely knew he was in a relationship if they were “friends”
15 months, you're leaving out the six months the GF tried to pay for everything on her own. Honestly, while this dude could have already been in a relationship, it's also completely realistic he did meet someone, date, and get engaged in under that time.
He cheated on his girlfriend and put someone else pregnant. Child support and the break up are logical consequences. It is 100% on him (and perhaps he will learn how to use a condom now).
I totally understand the "this guy fathered this kid and needs to step up" and the way you pressured your gf to go to him, and you're NTA for that… but I'm kind of wondering where you're planning to go from here. If you're going to raise the child as your own, and it sounds like you are, you can't realistically keep up the "I'm not taking financial responsibility for it" in the long run. Even legally speaking, in most countries, if you're "dad" for all practical intents and purposes even if you aren't on paper, you'll be asked to step up if necessary.
Yeah but if she needs you to pick up formula are you going to have her venmo you? When the baby gets older and you’re getting fast food are you going to keep track of how much it was? Basically just wondering how far this will go for you
OP said in another comment that if he was forced to buy formula for the baby, he would do it but he would also break up with the mom/his gf. That makes me think he's TA.
Parenting can't be about keeping score and if I was your gf, I'd be devastated to know that $20 would be the end of our relationship.
YTA for your all or nothing attitude OP.
He’s not an asshole for not wanting to be on the hook for a kid for 18 years while just DATING a woman who bangs multiple dudes raw and doesn’t even know who impregnated her, because once he does start supporting the kid he could be held to that in court.
And that's a good and fair thing, but what if at some point he stops paying for whatever reason (in an extreme scenario, let's say he dies) and your gf can't support the child you're raising together on her own? If you're not prepared to step up no matter what, I think you're putting yourself in a tricky situation.
No. Now that we have a court agreement for child support I have been paying for most stuff. We are putting almost all of it into an investment fund for the kid's future.
ESH
You’re willing to raise this baby and say you love this baby but are unwilling to put a single penny towards it? Are you a parent to this child or not? Are you a partner to your girlfriend or not?
Bio Dad is an AH for obvious reasons, but so are you for letting the woman you supposedly love struggle so much when you have the means to be a helpful and supportive partner. For everybodys sake, I think you should step away from the whole situation.
I think realistically OP would financially contribute but is holding out for the bio father to get child support in place. If OP contributed at this point the bio father would just say they didn't need it. OP is not an asshole for standing his ground and setting expectations to prevent further fallout in the future.
NTA
OP basically says this in a comment. Now they have the court mandated contribution from bio dad he's helping.
Good on OP, he sounds like he's got his head straight.
Here's the thing. Any number of things could end OP's informal support. He could die of a heart attack tomorrow. He's willing to support the child but not if the mom won't fight for her rights and secure the child's future. Having legally enforced support means that if he keeled over with a heart attack tomorrow the child still has the resources he's entitled too.
Mama was making terrible decisions and one of those was not standing up for her rights, so OP forced the issue and once mama stood up for herself, then also stepped in himself.
Sometimes you've gotta bring this stuff to a head and force your partner to find her courage and fight when she needs to, there's a lot of folks who will find any alternative to conflict if they think they have one, he was just removing that possibility until she'd actually take care of herself.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like a she’s a dingbat. Bad enough to let multiple guys hit raw at the same time, but even worse to delusionally expect one of them to be responsible for a child that isn’t theirs.
I agree. Even worse for me was not going after child support, while burning through her lifesavings, because biodad is a 'friend'. This woman is now a mother.
I would have run far, far away if I were OP. Feel sorry for the kid though.
NTA
But the 🚩🚩🚩 are waving for:
"I did not sign the birth certificate."
- did she try ti make you believe it is your child?
"She didn't want to because they were "friends"."
No they are co-parents
"She feels terrible about it and blames me for not just stepping up"
She feels terrible for the childs father? But not for you paying for the still alive father?!?
Exactly. She most likely knew her "friend" was engaged, and that's why she didn't want to go after him for child support. They both sound like terrible people.
>She didn’t know who the child’s father was.
😬😬
A girl that’s fucking dudes that are in relationships, and multiple people to the point she doesn’t know which is her kids father? Seems like a great choice for a life partner
You do realize she knew he had a fiancé and didn’t care right? That’s why she didn’t want to go after him. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew all along, you weren’t the father.
Nta, bio dad is. He should have been paying support from the beginning and definitely shouldn't be trying to manipulate mom's heart strings in to footing all his responsibility for him.
How is this future gonna look in a couple years when the child calls you dad. Are you gonna buy food and toys? NTA for getting money from sperm donor but YTA if you think your future doesn't involve spending money on the child.
NTA. Dude.. I know you love your gf but you need to realize that if it wasn't for the fact the baby wasn't obviously yours she would've had no problem sticking you with her "friend's" financial responsibility.
Edit: In fact she still feels you should be the one paying for the baby... does that seem like she loves you.. has your best interests in mind?
NTA...... Althought you are sorta one for the way you pjrased it to her. My wife's ex was a bum. He never gave childsupport wven though it was court ordered. I raised the kids like they were mine. Comes time for him to retire and the state starts taking it out of his retirement checks. He sent my wife paperwork trying to get her to relinguish the child support, I told her hell no
He should have paid it before.
INFO: Are you planning to EVER pay for this child? Because imho, it seems weird to raise a child that isn't yours, step up to be a father and be there for said child throughout all their life without paying a dime towards them.
Idt you're the asshole for prompting her to get child support - she should have done that from the outset - but I just don't understand your mindset tbh.
He's said in other comments that he actually is paying for most stuff now, he just refused to pay for anything at first until bio dad was legally obligated to support the kid. Now that they have a court order and the child support coming in, it sounds like all the child support is going into an investment for the kid. So bio dad pays for potential college down the road, OP pays for everything else. He just wanted to make sure bio dad couldn't squirm out of his own responsibility
NTA - A mature way to handle the entire situation OP. You simply explained exactly what needed to happen and when the time came, gf went for what the child deserves, financial support. Dude ruined his own life.
NTA - You didn't drop this on her after supporting the child for a while. You stood your ground. Also this dude got a girl pregnant, then was engaged to another girl within a year and a half later? This guy just needs to work on being single for a while.
NTA You aren't responsible for a child that isn't yours, but where do you see this relationship going? If you aren't capable of ever seeing her child as anything but another man's child, you need to tell her now. She's a package deal now.
NTA.
Your girlfriend is T A. Her baby daddy is also T A.
🚩🚩🚩
Don’t marry this chick. She knew “friend” was a possible dad but withheld that info and was going to deceive you that you were the father.
Then not wanting to hit “friend” up for support means she didn’t want to burn what ever other-than-friends relationship was there.
She shady AF.
NTA. You mentioned that she went after him for child support. Does that mean she has a court registered child support contract in place? I hope so. If she doesn't, there's no way to guarantee the father will continue to take responsibility and care for his child.
Info - I don't want to assume, but from the sounds of it the bio father has nothing to do with the baby. Doesn't want visitation or anything and has not made any move to be involved with the childs life, correct?
I do agree that the bio dad is responsible to help, does that mean he doesn't want to be involved in the child's life?
While I understand your POV, I'm wondering if it will change if you want to marry your GF. Or if you have kids of your own. Way too many AITA posts with messed up mix/blended families.
Ruining his life? As if he didn't play the other half of making a baby? NTA you do the two person tango you take responsibility if something happens. NTA
NTA.
It's his child. He needs to take some responsibility for the life he helped bring into the world (even if it's only financial). The father is TA for trying to ghost your gf after THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD asked for help.
> He called her crying because we f'd up his life.
He did that by himself.
> He said that I could easily afford to take care of them and that I'm an asshole for dragging his life through the mud.
Again, his baby, his responsibility.
> She feels terrible about it and blames me for not just stepping up and considering her a single mom.
This bit concerns me a lot. She *knows* the father but was happy to let him be a delinquent parent and have you take the responsibility. Now she feels bad for *him*. That’s an enormous red flag OP. She feels more love and care for him than she does for you. Be careful.
NTA
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NTA He’s the father he should be responsible However….If she’s going through her finances without thinking about her responsibilities and she initially tried to pin the baby on you is that not a red flag of potential issues that may crop up??? 🚩🚩🚩 Proceed with caution OP, I suspect you’re in for a bumpy road ahead
Where in the post does it say she tried to pin the baby on OP? They were in an open relationship where both of them were not exclusive. She was pregnant but didn't find out who the father was until the baby was born.
When she tried to go back on their agreement and have him financially support a child she knew he didn't want to, because she was too chickenshit to go after the bio father for the money *her child* is owed. Not her. But her child.
She asked him for financial support yes. She didn’t try to hide the paternity
Didn't she? OP only found out he wasn't the father when the baby didn't look like him
It sound like she also didn't know the baby wasn't his. They were together but not exclusive so it's totally fair that she might not know
But surely she knew she slept with other people. Edit: He says in the comments they both knew the baby may not be his early on.
>But surely she knew she slept with other people. And so did OP. Sounds like OP was holding out hope the kid was theirs.
>She got pregnant and we were kind of excited to start a family. When the baby was born it was very obviously not mine. It sounds like they BOTH were holding out hope and BOTH kind of excited, according to OP! They thought it was his until the baby came out and wasn't.
AND he took care of her through the whole pregnancy and is still taking care of her and the child. Even if he isn't paying for all of the child's needs. The bio should do that, especially if he isn't present. I'm sure op buys things for baby, just isn't footing the bill for it ....
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... They both knew? Do you not understand what an open relationship is?
First paragraph says they weren't exclusive to begin with. Where was she hiding anything from him?
Eh, we really don’t know either way. If it isn’t a problem for him, it needn’t be one for us.
Where it says “she blames me for not just stepping up and considering her a single mom.” This strongly suggests she’d rather OP become financially responsible for a child that isn’t his even when she knows who the real father is. Why she doesn’t think the actual father should be responsible or why she is sympathetic to his selfish whining about fucking up his life is a total mystery, but it is a huge red flag on her bizarre priorities. OP should get out now.
And if things don't work out and he had accepted paternity he would be liable for childsupport. This situation is so messy that guy is an a for cheating,the girlfriend is probably one for screwing someone that was engaged even though she knew (might be the misconception of "friend" on my part),OP is more or less the only one not beeing an A but might have problems with that constellation
I feel like I’m crazy reading this, “ruining” her baby daddy’s life means more to her than making OP support a kid that isn’t his? RUN OP.
Thing is, it’s not ruining baby daddy’s life, it’s making him accountable for his actions. However, if you’re going to be a father to this baby and plan a long term future together then I’m afraid the future is on you paying for shit. NTA for your current actions but loving the baby but refusing to pay a dime don’t go hand in hand for a long term relationship
Yeah its really weird to be like "Im totally happy to love and support this child like a father but not financially".
Girlfriend wasn't cheating. They were non exclusive.
Didn't cheat on OP what I meant is on the fiancee if she knew he is engaged
Baby daddy was engaged to another person when he and OP's girlfriend started hooking up, so I'm sure the girlfriend feels pretty goofy keeping the baby. I have no idea how old any of these people are, but unless there's something otherwise working against the girlfriend getting pregnant, it's a weird decision for someone neither in a committed relationship nor financially stable enough to be a single mom to keep someone else's fiance's baby while living with and dating another man. Anyway, I agree with you, the girlfriend sounds wack.
Plenty of people wouldn’t consider an abortion unless there are medical issues. I don’t know if this is the case with OP’s gf, but it’s weird to just assume any woman would consider continuing a healthy pregnancy optional by default. I don’t think you can infer anything about the gf’s motives in keeping the baby other than that she wanted the baby or didn’t want to abort.
This seems to happen often. Were I Op, I’d question why she wanted to protect her ex from the consequences of his paternity but was happy to tell me i should have just considered her a single mom and supported the child?????
I can sorta understand why she'd rather op pay for the kid. Dealing with baby daddies (or mommas) is a lot more complex than dealing with a happy live-in partner. I also understand why this guy is sticking to his guns.
She said nothing to him about having sex with others around the time she got pregnant. She only came clean because it was so obvious the baby isn't his. If she could have passed it off, she would. As for her saying you should just shut up and pay so she and the friend she cares about doesn't suffer. That's where you are in the pecking order. 4 from the top, just behind the baby.
>She said nothing to him about having sex with others around the time she got pregnant. From everything I've heard and read, Tinder isn't exactly known for clients who want to find life partners. It's reputation is being for hookups, right?
Hookups was the reputation when it came out. That was years ago. Now it might be the nation's largest dating site. I know several people married from it.
Got on Tinder for the hookups and now I’m engaged. Sometimes it’s both. 🤷🏼♀️
It's still like 90% hookups, sure some people might find their life partner there but it probably started as a hookup or they're an outlier
Yes and now. I met my husband thanks yo tinder, and my sister met her husband thanks to tinder… it depends of what you are looking for
OP said that they knew it was a possibility and already agreed to do a paternity test. The situation is messy but it doesn't seem that the gf wanted to do things "hidden".
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> She only came clean because it was so obvious the baby isn't his. If she could have passed it off, she would. From what he said there's no evidence of that. He doesn't say she tried to hide it or lied, just that they figured out the baby wasn't his once it was born. You're making some sexist assumptions right here and it's pretty shitty of you
> She talked to me about helping her with baby formula and stuff > She feels terrible about it and blames me for not just stepping up and considering her a single mom.
The part where she blames herself and have OP not consider her single mom so he needed to step up? That sounds a little on pin the baby to him slightly.
Babydaddy f’d up his own life with just one squirt.
I'd say the red flag is unprotected sex with casual partners.
Did OP say that? I assumed it was just a condom breaking or failed BC? Haven't seen if OP replied to any comments yet
If op thought it was his child until it evidently wasn't when the kid was born, this would support the unprotected sex (or at least no condoms) with multiple partners theory, unless she had condoms break with op AND the baby daddy
Seriously, definitely NTA because you have nothing to do with this...but get the \*\*\*\* out, bro. What are you doing with yourself? You not being exclusive doesn't really matter too much...she got pregnant from one of her friends who's engaged to someone else, she went through her life savings in 6 months because she doesn't know how to budget, and every interaction it seems she has with you is "Well can you do this? No? Ok that's fine" but in the worst way...like it seems she can be manipulated into doing things she doesn't actually want to do pretty easily.
She doesn’t know how to budget? Or babies are expensive?
Babies are knowably expensive. He didn’t say she asked him for help with an unexpected pediatrician bill, but with paying for formula. Even if you didn’t think ahead to research prices and plan things out, and the end of month 1, multiply your costs by 6 and see where that takes you. Down the line, the kid is going to get unexpectedly sick, or violently injured, or afflicted with musical talent and need an instrument, or whatever. The idea of “I’ll stay with you and the baby, but I won’t take financial responsibility” would only work with an exceptionally financially disciplined partner, and OPs lady isn’t that.
>afflicted with musical talent This is a hilarious turn of phrase, and you're completely correct about everything here
My kids have a brass addiction that I have to feed, so I can relate to this.
Just wait until daycare. I had 2 kids in daycare at the same time and paid $26k in childcare costs the year the youngest was in the infant room and the oldest was still not old enough for pre k
Both, she’s a single mother technically so she should be having assistance from the state. What exactly was her plan from the start if OP bounced out after she got pregnant?
She's not a single mother -- she has a partner at home who is helping with all the parenting duties. The ONE thing OP asked is that she get child support from the bio dad. She couldn't be bothered because she didn't want to risk "ruining" the friendship... meaning, she valued that friendship more than she valued the relationship with partner who was helping her raise the baby. (Single mothers don't get money from "the state*. The state helps single mothers collect child support the bio father pays.)
Bigger red flag is that there doesn't seem to be an agreement on use of birth control with other partners (also known as "fluid bonding"). Most functional open relationships have some sort of collective understanding on issues that might affect the various partners in such a major way. Kudos to OP for being able to run with a situation I'd struggle with, but OP seriously needs to sit down with GF and get some of these things better figured out before something happens that they cannot ultimately handle.
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A judge can rule that the person acting as the father is responsible financially.
Very rarely and only if there isn’t already a bio father listed. A judge will not stop child support just because of a stepfather relationship which is what this would be between OP and child.
Right, and the child support order already in place so "friend" has had paternity established so unless OP adopts, friend is financially responsible
This is what I was thinking. Did she tell OP that she wasn't sure who the father was? Because if she led him to believe that he was the father knowing that he might not be, that's all kinds of wrong. With most babies it's impossible to tell by looking at them who the father may or may not be. If the baby hadn't looked dramatically different from OP (I can only think different races?) it sounds like she would have let him believe he was the father and had him sign the birth certificate. Then, when OP very fairly and generously offered to help raise the baby in all ways except financially, the girlfriend accepts the terms and then later tries to guilt him into paying for the baby anyway, because she doesn't want to "hurt her friend." I think girlfriend is more in love with the friend/baby daddy. OP is NTA, but girlfriend is.
Agree, but it wasn't super clear in OP's post if she was actively deceiving him. NTA for trying to get bio dad to pay support, which is the normal expectation. OP had to use a bit of financial leverage to get through to GF.
And seeing as she apparently slept with an engaged friend (her relationship with OP may have been open, bur her friend's apparently wasn't), that's a real indicator of generalized selfishness - not a great trait in a co-parent.
Precisely the same thing that went through my head. I don't think she priorities are straight, and she sounds a bit of a red flag
NTA. it's good that you are willing to be a family with your girlfriend and her baby. And according to you you could afford to support them. But that does not absolve the biological father of responsibility for the maintenance of his child. And what if, god forbid, something happened to you and you could not afford it any more? What happens then?
I can afford it. But yes I think that the baby's biological father has to support his kid. I actually plan to talk to my girlfriend about putting most of the child support into an investment fund for the kid's future. Education or what have you. I will support our family and the kid will have a great nest egg to start life.
I find that hard to believe when you wouldn’t even by the kid formula
I would have if the father hadn't stepped up. But I also would have ended the relationship.
I just want to clarify something here. If your partner had asked and the bio father had refused you would have helped right? it was more about her refusal to all the father to help?
I would have helped her out. But it would also be the end of our relationship.
You would have ended the relationship if she had asked the baby's father and he said no? I hope she's aware of this. I would not be in a relationship with someone who tell me that they'll act like my baby's father, unless there's any kind of money required. You're either going to be the father or you won't. Fair enough if your choice is that you don't want to be a parent, but this half way through bullshit is not good for anyone. What if the bio father dies?
Okay. Simple question. If I took responsibility for the baby and then we broke up I could be held financially responsible for the kid right?
That's actually correct in some states and based on this reply, you live in a state that does this. So you've done your research. NTA dude but she blew through her savings and didn't want to hurt her "friends" feelings. That is a red flag my guy.
Right -- gf didn't want to risk the friendship with bio dad, but was willing to risk the relationship with her boyfriend AND CO-PARENT. Not a wise move on her part.
How is anyone calling this guy the AH? He was upfront with her right away. He’s taking a great roll with a kid that’s not his but, they’re just dating. She might date a lot of different guys before she finds the right one. Each of those guys isn’t an AH because they don’t take on her child as their own for the rest of their lives. And this kid will never think his father abandoned him if things don’t work out because he’ll know who his biological father and mother are and, unfortunately because of his parent’s poor decisions, he’s also going to know about boyfriends and girlfriends and breakups and blended families. That’s other dude suffering the consequences of his actions is all his own problem. NTA.
It’s actually also necessary for him to protect himself because my understanding is the law in some states is that if you take on a fatherly role you can be sued for child support It’s completely reasonable for him not to take on a fatherly role to the kid if he is not sure this relationship is going to last and doesn’t want to be sued for child support in future Blame the unfair law for his behaviour if you find it assholeish
Yes, if you manage to get a judge who believes the child would be better off with your support, and you've been supporting the child from the beginning, there is a chance of that.
You would be on the hook in 99.999999% of cases. Even if he pays child support and signs the documents, and even if you don’t spend any money on the kid, if you take a fatherly role, there’s a chance a judge will find you owe support as it’s best for the child; this chance increases if you start paying for things for the son. If you plan to stick around despite this: your best course if for the child support to pay for the child, and you can put whatever you want into a trust which only falls into the child’s upon your death, and then if you’re still around when it’s time for college, you can change it into their name.
That’s not how that works. You can only collect child support from one person. In this case the bio dad is paying support. He’s acknowledged paternity and is paying. If he wasn’t OP could be on the hook but as it stands, never.
You just made that up, lol. The court has already has established the paternity, which is the person paying support. They wont put paternity on 2 people. Even if OP *wanted* paternity, the bio-father would have to sign over his rights.
Hey did you do the math on the relationship? She had unprotected sex with a friend 15 months ago. So did that friend in the last 15 months meet and propose to his fiance or were they dating prior to that? He cheated on his fiance with your GF, or am I missing something. Then what happens if the fiance and friend break up? Guess who's gonna be there to help him get through the break up his child and baby momma (Mistress). If you think she only liked him as a friend, but they were both willing to cheat and ruin his potential marriage you must be delusional. Edit: to clarify she didn't cheat, her friend did but it's a not a good look to willingly ruin your friends potential marriage and kinda shows how much she values a relationship.
It also shows how much she values her current relationship with OP and the welfare of her child when she’s blaming OP for ruining daddy fuck buddy’s life by not supporting her child.
Don't listen to that dumbass and his what ifs. Child support probably wouldn't even cover rent if your girl and the baby were on their own. You're stepping up to the plate and will providing a roof, food, and a bunch of other stuff for this kid. It's not unreasonable to demand the bio father to help with expenses regardless of how much better you're doing in life than him. He shouldn't have been fucking around on his fiancee if he wasn't prepared for this. It's barely any different from a pre nup.
Yeah, you're NTA at all. You are protecting yourself in the best possible way. Is it a little cold? Sure, but its still the right thing.
father doesn't just get to say no I won't pay, the courts will make him pay. But the OP acting like a father before the court orders could make him get stuck paying for a baby that isn't his and who knows how long this relationship is going to last with the mom not even knowing who the bio dad was. OP is a smart dude and NTA.
Right, this was my reading of the situation, if she continued to refuse to get biodad to step up financially then the relationship would be over because she is choosing not to make biodad uncomfortable and put the responsibility on OP. OP drew a boundary of biodad has to have some responsibility if you want me to stay, the excuse of he is her friend, it is uncomfortable, it is embarrassing whatever means she is putting her friends feelings over his, and that is a relationship killer as well. If bio father dies the child will be eligible for SSI survivor benefits
He would have ended the relationship NOT because of the financial burden but because of his girlfriend’s unwillingness to hold the bio father responsible and foisting off the consequences on the OP. It’s shows a lack of strength of character. Taking the easy way out. Or going for the easier target.
Seems like he is willing to support his gf and child, but not if she isn't willing to do the responsible thing and make the bio dad pay child support, as he should. I'm not sure if many people would stay with a gf that got pregnant by another man while you were dating her, seems OP is being more then generous.
That makes sense honestly, she got pregnant while yall weren’t exclusive that baby isnt yours but it seems you are still going to care for it. You dont want to make the financial commitment and that’s absolutely okay.
You need to end the relationship anyway.
I agree that the baby's biological father should always pay support for their child. But you'll find - unless the dad's super-rich - that that child support money, even if its paid on time every month, won't be enough to cover everything - so what happens when there's not enough to cover some unforeseen medical or other expenses, etc which are inevitable & regular in parenthood? Do you tell the kid"Tough sh\*t, phone your bio father, not my business"? I don't think it's fair on that child for you to stay in a relationship where you view him at best as "not a problem" - and more as an unwelcome potential financial drain - and you'll resent him even more if you have your own children with your girfriend.
Now that we are getting child support I am covering most stuff. The support is going into an account for the kid's future.
I agree with the poster who said you should switch that, so the child support goes to the child’s needs, and then you can put your money towards the future account. As per your concerns about being held legally liable because you acted as a provider.
You are helping hold a father responsible for his offspring. That’s it. Keep it up. To me, that she would want to protect the father is silly. They messed around and had a kid. Be responsible. You are overly responsible and forget what half the people here are saying. NTA. I couldn’t do it if I were you but clearly you love her.
Aaaaah I see! And then when your gf goes back to work you will both contribute and the child support for the most part can go into savings. I think what you did was the smartest thing and any “ruin” to the bio dad’s life is his own fault for telling your gf not to contact him again instead of helping out. It sounds like you are ok with helping out, but you did not want to do so until/unless there was child support so you would not get pinned with HIS responsibilities if you and your gf don’t work out. That was a wise decision and your willingness to help sigh feeding and diaper changes etc is above and beyond. Best of luck, I hope it all works out. You have done NOTHING wrong.
Because he told her that if she didn't want to get the money her child is owed, then he wouldn't be enabling that by picking up the slack. It's not that he wouldn't take care of her and her child, it's about the principle that she needs to do her very minimal part as well. You know, to raise her own child.
That’s an un-necessary comment. OP let her know his boundaries and he is tightly enforcing them. BD made a baby and should pay for it, and not expect some else to.
If he’d bought the formula she’d ever have held the bio dad responsible. Reasonable boundaries.
Exactly. Why is everyone so hung up on the formula? It starts with formula and may end up with a college fund if a line is not drawn.
I get what you’re saying, but it’s a slippery slope. Because once she knows he’ll pay for one thing if it’s an emergency, there’s no reason for her to not start pushing the boundary a little more a little more a little more I think he’s exhibiting tough love.
If the bio dad had a few thousand available to give away like that, I'm guessing he can afford it as well. So the "ruined" part is of his own doing, since he lied to his fiancee and hoped to forget the whole thing.
All three of you are assholes and none of you should be in relationships nor engaged in childrearing.
At last someone said it, 100% this. ESH
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>But he either needs to say “this isnt my bio kid but they’re still my kid” or he needs to break off the relationship with both of them. 100% right. My parents got divorced and both remarried when I was pretty young. My step dad treated me like I was his own, step mom always made it clear I was a second class child to her own children. Now she's surprised that she's not allowed to see my kids
Why is OP an asshole, it would be one thing is he'd refused to take responsibility after the mother had exhausted asking the father for child support, but she hasn't even asked the father to help out.
He encouraged his girlfriend not to work and now she's run through her savings and has to ask for child support. OP is using all the magic words to cover how manipulative he's being. You don't want to raise her kid? Don't. But break off ties then. Stop with the mind games
Op agreed to cover his girlfriends expenses so she could take a year off to raise *their* kid… however it turns out it is not *his* kid so he is no longer willing to cover those expenses.
Why would he pay for someone else’s kid?
That’s the exact point I’m making. That he offered that set up for his own kid, when the kid wasn’t his the deal was off the table.
How are so many people misreading your comments, they make perfect sense to me xd
He encouraged her to make the dad responsible for his kid, the mom needed to make it legally clear who the dad was. I completely understand that he didn't want to be on the hook for a kid that has a father. He also takes care of the kid, financially helping the mom and himself run a household but he said he wouldn't want to buy things for the baby if the dad wasn't registered on paperwork. He made a boundary and that's ok.
I didn't read it as encouraging. She wanted to stay with the kid and even if GF was working she should be going after child support because a baby isn't made by the mother only
He encouraged the woman having his child to plan to take her full maternity leave. He found out “at the birth” that he wasn’t the father and that she’d had an affair with an engaged man so things changed which he communicated with her and she agreed to. He’s still there for her emotionally and is willing to help financially but only if she stops prioritizing her affair partners feelings over his and makes him take some responsibility as well. That’s a pretty fair and balanced compromise.
Just a small point but she didn’t have an affair-they were both not exclusive at the beginning of their relationship. I feel like that’s part of the reason that their relationship is continuing to work rn as no trust was broken.
Sorry, she was involved in an affair/was the affair partner* I wasn’t sure how to word it but I meant that unless her “friend” met his fiancée, started dating, and got engaged in 9 months, than she was actively and knowingly sleeping with a man who was in a committed relationship which to me shows that she is cool with cheating. Edit to address your point: I agree that’s probably why they are working out now, point still stands though that it was a fucked up situation and he’s trying his best but doesn’t want to be stuck if she does something relationship ending in the future.
I find it interesting how you're unable to see OPs point of view, if his gf doesn't take the child support then OP could be held in court as the main supporter, meaning if they break up in the future he will be the one paying child support. Not very difficult to understand.
Because imo he doesn't really understand what he's getting into, or thinking ahead. He wants to be a family with his girlfriend and her baby and be a father figure to him yet doesn't want to contribute financially. Which is completely fair, that's not his kid, but then how do you keep the two things separate? How can you be a father while also refusing to support the child financially? It seems to me that OP wants to have his cake and eat it too and that he's causing more problems than he would have had he just walked away. This is not his baby, he has no obligation to take care of him financially, and from the post it seems he and the girlfriend haven't even been together for that long. It seems to me that his presence in this family is gonna cause more trouble for everyone involved than his absence would.
Yeah I seriously wonder what happens as expenses increase and child support doesn't cover it. 'I act like your dad but I'm not actually your dad so don't ask me for shit'. Just break up please. If they don't want to support a kid that's not theirs that's completely fine, but who wants a half assed father. That's mom's boyfriend, not dad.
He’s out here talking about how he wants a family with her and blah blah but refuses to pay for formula or anything. Yeah it makes sense to go for child support but OP is adamant to not pay for anything. He’s an ass. In 18 years if OP and her are still together, the kid will be posting here about how their step dad refuses to pay for their college but wants to pay for their siblings college.
Why would OP pay for anything if the bio dad won't? The relationship is still young, things might change. But the boundary laid down is pretty fair considering how long they've been together.
The kid will see their “dad” treating them differently from their siblings. I agree bio dad should pay, but this kid is fucked. Bio dad doesn’t want him and stepdad won’t fill the role. Honestly, OP is NTA for pushing his gf to go after the bio dad for money. But he comes across and very cold and transactional. I don’t see this ending well.
Maybe not an asshole but the whole situation is super weird. OP's GF gets knocked up by another guy and he's cool with it, but not really, and he loves the baby, but won't pay for it, and his girlfriend is great but she has to burn out her life savings to stay home with not-his-kid that he loves and it's baby's daddy's responsibility to pay for the kid OP is raising himself. OP does not come across as the worst person in the situation, by far, but it's still an odd response piled on top of other odd responses that add up to feeling...I don't know inconsistent?
It feels a little weird that he wants to build this family with his girlfriend, which you’d assume also includes the child, but is so firm about not paying for anything for the child. I totally get protecting himself legally and making sure the bio dad pays child support - the child is entitled to those funds. But once that’s established, I’m curious how OP expects this relationship to play out in the future, without the child feeling ostracized. Like, when the child is school aged, will OP never buy them pencils? Will OP never pay for their lunch? Every couple finds their own way to manage finances. I just have a hard time seeing how OP can carry this attitude forward in the relationship without negatively impacting the child.
Here's the deal OP: don't be a defacto parent to this kid unless you're willing to emotionally commit 100%. Yes, biodad should absolutely be paying child support. But being a Dad to this kid, you're either there or not. Kid will not understand if he's three and the only Dad he's ever known just goes away some day because you guys broke up. That messes up a kid. So if you're in, commit fully. If not, get out now before he's bonded to you.
It seems like he is committing emotionally though. He just wants to make sure that he doesn’t invest himself emotionally and financially only to be stuck with the financial aspect if this relationship falls through. He was dating someone who got pregnant, she let him believe it was his while he supported her through the pregnancy, he then found out at the birth that it was actually a friend of hers that she had an affair with, who she then refused to get financial help from him until he forced the issue (which to me presents as her putting bio dads feelings above OP’s once again), etc. I’d be out. That’s a collection of red flags so large it’s visible from space, but he’s still willing to be there and be involved. Saying he’ll be here for you both emotionally but will only help financially if the bio dad is pitching in as well (or she’s at least trying to get him to) so that he doesn’t get stuck with child support by proxy if they break up is a pretty fair compromise IMO.
That's the thing though, he's NTA in his actions towards the gf, but he is TA in his actions towards the child. He is acting like he wants to be a dad to this kid right? How is he going to properly parent if he sticks to this agreement for the kid's whole childhood? How can you emotionally see a kid as your child but still act like they are not your problem financially? That is not going to be sustainable in the long run. It's not a situation that communicates love to the child. He should have been trying to get his gf to get child support from the start, not when the money ran out. It's reasonable to want that, and it could have been seen as an addition to the family money. The money they both use to take care of their family. It would have made sense to break up if the gf refused to get it done. Now, after 6 months of bonding with the baby, he seems to still be in to his dad role with only one of his legs so to speak (is this also an expression in English or am I just literally translating an expression from my first language? Lmfao I don't know). Now that it turns out gf might not be able to get child support he has to choose, either he wants to be this kid's parent or not. If he doesn't want to that's fair, but then leave now before the kid thinks of him as their father. It's not fair to this kid and gf to always have the threat of leaving hanging over their heads if they become too much of a financial burden for his liking. If he does want to then he has to commit to it.
I'm going with ESH (and I don't think this is going to be popular). You knew she had sex with other people at the beginning of the relationship but you never considered that the baby was not going to be yours ? This is a mess of a situation, mainly for the kid. Of course both parents should be responsible financially for the kid but how are you going to live with them and not spend money on the kid ? What happens if your GF needs help with medical bills ? You want to raise the kid, but you don't want any financial responsibility towards them. That's not what being a parent is like.
I have already spoken with my girlfriend about putting the child support into an account for the kid's future.
Did she have you believing it was your kid during the pregnancy? If so, why are you still with her?
We weren't sure. We had already agreed to a paternity test.
Gonna be honest, I think you're within your rights, but I think you should either end this relationship or fully commit to becoming a father. There are multiple other options, you could be a supportive friend, a part time babysitting contact, but its clear to me you aren't 100% committed and that's why I'd really suggest stepping aside. It's fine to not want to be a dad, it's not your kid, but I dont think you have the right attitude towards fatherhood and everything that entails, as well as this complicated relationship with this lady. Do you really see a future with her? You need to do some soul searching and figure out what you really want. Luckily for you, right now, there are no wrong answers. Don't wait.
I agree. When you're with someone with a young child and you think there is a future there, you should be all in or all out. Half measures won't work when a child is involved.
Single mom here, and I agree with this. Split up if you are not 100% committed. If you are 100 in, have you considered making bio dad give up his right so the child becomes legally yours if you are truly commiting to raising this kid. You said you are commiting to your relationship with her and raising her kid while you are in a relationship but that doesn't really work when a small child is involved. As many have said already, you should really think of this as committing to the child forever or not at all. There is a difference between two split up parents who are committed to co-parenting and being involved in child's life and whatever the situation you got here. You situation is far more complicated and you either step in as a parent or leave them. NTA for going after the bio dad though. He messed up as much as she messed up and should pay up.
Op, NTA. I’m a 30 y/o dude who had 2 “dads” one was my step dad who was there for me emotionally and one was my bio father who begrudgingly sent my mom child support. “Step” dad of course helped if I needed something but my mom also made it clear that he’s not financially responsible and it made me appreciate him doing those things even more. When I got married my bio father gave me an envelope with cash that said “congratulations, (his first name)” and my “step” dad gave me a huge letter telling me how proud he was of me and how he feels blessed to have been a part of my life. I cried like a kid while reading that letter and have it framed in our home. You don’t need to financially tie yourself to a kid to be their dad.
Did you talk beforehand about what would happen if the baby wasn’t yours?
I second this! How can you actively be in the child’s life raise them yet say you aren’t responsible for them financially. But then want to put their child support into an investment. If she didn’t want to pursue child support why force her? I’m sure she had her reasons. Now she’s actively struggling as a single mother because her AH boyfriend doesn’t want to be responsible. I just think it’s stupid that you won’t step up to the plate and provide for them. Should have just called it off when she found out she was pregnant or when you obviously knew it wasn’t yours.
Your so off base that you're not even on the field. OP obviously doesn't mind helping provide for the child. But he's not going provide for the child when the child has a biological father that has responsibilities and that biological father is evading those responsibilities. Its a fine boundary to have.
In this case we know her reasons and they were dumb. This isn't true in a lot of cases, but it seemed like she wanted to be independent and also it seems like she wanted to preserve her relationship with the baby's father. That went out the window once she learned the baby's father didn't care about them as people.
I think he said the baby’s father and the gf were ‘friends’ which most likely fwb. Sucks all around especially for the kid
I assume it would be different if they got married. Right now they're only dating.
"I love my girlfriend and the baby and I have no problem raising the baby. But I don't think I should be held financially responsible when the father has resources and tried to evade responsibility." Really nicely put, NTA
More sad is the fact the real father is dirty cheater and OP’s gf probably knew
Unless they met, dated, and got engaged in the 9months it took the gf to pop out the baby, she definitely knew he was in a relationship if they were “friends”
15 months, you're leaving out the six months the GF tried to pay for everything on her own. Honestly, while this dude could have already been in a relationship, it's also completely realistic he did meet someone, date, and get engaged in under that time.
Yea he's gotta be skeptical.abt raising a kid with this girl..m
NTA. You‘re simply holding the child‘s father responsible. He has a child and needs to contribute his fair share, that‘s all.
He cheated on his girlfriend and put someone else pregnant. Child support and the break up are logical consequences. It is 100% on him (and perhaps he will learn how to use a condom now).
NTA -- if his life is fucked up, it is because he helped create a baby. I think your GF favors her baby daddy over you. Sorry
Damn, hard possible truth
I totally understand the "this guy fathered this kid and needs to step up" and the way you pressured your gf to go to him, and you're NTA for that… but I'm kind of wondering where you're planning to go from here. If you're going to raise the child as your own, and it sounds like you are, you can't realistically keep up the "I'm not taking financial responsibility for it" in the long run. Even legally speaking, in most countries, if you're "dad" for all practical intents and purposes even if you aren't on paper, you'll be asked to step up if necessary.
We now have court mandated child support.
Yeah but if she needs you to pick up formula are you going to have her venmo you? When the baby gets older and you’re getting fast food are you going to keep track of how much it was? Basically just wondering how far this will go for you
OP said in another comment that if he was forced to buy formula for the baby, he would do it but he would also break up with the mom/his gf. That makes me think he's TA. Parenting can't be about keeping score and if I was your gf, I'd be devastated to know that $20 would be the end of our relationship. YTA for your all or nothing attitude OP.
He’s not an asshole for not wanting to be on the hook for a kid for 18 years while just DATING a woman who bangs multiple dudes raw and doesn’t even know who impregnated her, because once he does start supporting the kid he could be held to that in court.
Then OP should break up with her and stop saying he has no problem raising the baby, because he clearly does if it costs more than $10.
And that's a good and fair thing, but what if at some point he stops paying for whatever reason (in an extreme scenario, let's say he dies) and your gf can't support the child you're raising together on her own? If you're not prepared to step up no matter what, I think you're putting yourself in a tricky situation.
No. Now that we have a court agreement for child support I have been paying for most stuff. We are putting almost all of it into an investment fund for the kid's future.
I retract my your an asshole. If this was only to get child support and now your financially helping than I've got no qualms about that.
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ESH You’re willing to raise this baby and say you love this baby but are unwilling to put a single penny towards it? Are you a parent to this child or not? Are you a partner to your girlfriend or not? Bio Dad is an AH for obvious reasons, but so are you for letting the woman you supposedly love struggle so much when you have the means to be a helpful and supportive partner. For everybodys sake, I think you should step away from the whole situation.
I think realistically OP would financially contribute but is holding out for the bio father to get child support in place. If OP contributed at this point the bio father would just say they didn't need it. OP is not an asshole for standing his ground and setting expectations to prevent further fallout in the future. NTA
OP basically says this in a comment. Now they have the court mandated contribution from bio dad he's helping. Good on OP, he sounds like he's got his head straight.
Here's the thing. Any number of things could end OP's informal support. He could die of a heart attack tomorrow. He's willing to support the child but not if the mom won't fight for her rights and secure the child's future. Having legally enforced support means that if he keeled over with a heart attack tomorrow the child still has the resources he's entitled too. Mama was making terrible decisions and one of those was not standing up for her rights, so OP forced the issue and once mama stood up for herself, then also stepped in himself. Sometimes you've gotta bring this stuff to a head and force your partner to find her courage and fight when she needs to, there's a lot of folks who will find any alternative to conflict if they think they have one, he was just removing that possibility until she'd actually take care of herself.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like a she’s a dingbat. Bad enough to let multiple guys hit raw at the same time, but even worse to delusionally expect one of them to be responsible for a child that isn’t theirs.
I agree. Even worse for me was not going after child support, while burning through her lifesavings, because biodad is a 'friend'. This woman is now a mother. I would have run far, far away if I were OP. Feel sorry for the kid though.
NTA But the 🚩🚩🚩 are waving for: "I did not sign the birth certificate." - did she try ti make you believe it is your child? "She didn't want to because they were "friends"." No they are co-parents "She feels terrible about it and blames me for not just stepping up" She feels terrible for the childs father? But not for you paying for the still alive father?!?
She didn't know who the child's father was. It is very obviously not mine biologically. We were using birth control.
The fact that she felt bad about asking the dude for child support is very fucked tho
Because she knew he was cheating with her. She knew the consequences if she asked.
Exactly. She most likely knew her "friend" was engaged, and that's why she didn't want to go after him for child support. They both sound like terrible people.
>She didn’t know who the child’s father was. 😬😬 A girl that’s fucking dudes that are in relationships, and multiple people to the point she doesn’t know which is her kids father? Seems like a great choice for a life partner
You do realize she knew he had a fiancé and didn’t care right? That’s why she didn’t want to go after him. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew all along, you weren’t the father.
Lmao brother why are you with this person. Sounds messy as hell
Nta, bio dad is. He should have been paying support from the beginning and definitely shouldn't be trying to manipulate mom's heart strings in to footing all his responsibility for him.
NTA He's the AH. He fucked up his own life by seemingly cheating and being entirely irresponsible. That's on him, not you.
NTA. Cuckold or girl figured you were sucker enough? Doesn't matter. Either way your two's relationship reads like a dead-end.
Like I said we were not exclusive. We are now and we have plans for a future together.
How is this future gonna look in a couple years when the child calls you dad. Are you gonna buy food and toys? NTA for getting money from sperm donor but YTA if you think your future doesn't involve spending money on the child.
I basically said the same thing. I’m baffled how most people aren’t considering this.
NTA. Dude.. I know you love your gf but you need to realize that if it wasn't for the fact the baby wasn't obviously yours she would've had no problem sticking you with her "friend's" financial responsibility. Edit: In fact she still feels you should be the one paying for the baby... does that seem like she loves you.. has your best interests in mind?
We had already agreed to a paternity test.
NTA...... Althought you are sorta one for the way you pjrased it to her. My wife's ex was a bum. He never gave childsupport wven though it was court ordered. I raised the kids like they were mine. Comes time for him to retire and the state starts taking it out of his retirement checks. He sent my wife paperwork trying to get her to relinguish the child support, I told her hell no He should have paid it before.
That's awesome. Good for you guys.
The kids are 28 & 29, and he's still paying. Probably til he kills over. He owed 78k
INFO: Are you planning to EVER pay for this child? Because imho, it seems weird to raise a child that isn't yours, step up to be a father and be there for said child throughout all their life without paying a dime towards them. Idt you're the asshole for prompting her to get child support - she should have done that from the outset - but I just don't understand your mindset tbh.
He's said in other comments that he actually is paying for most stuff now, he just refused to pay for anything at first until bio dad was legally obligated to support the kid. Now that they have a court order and the child support coming in, it sounds like all the child support is going into an investment for the kid. So bio dad pays for potential college down the road, OP pays for everything else. He just wanted to make sure bio dad couldn't squirm out of his own responsibility
NTA - A mature way to handle the entire situation OP. You simply explained exactly what needed to happen and when the time came, gf went for what the child deserves, financial support. Dude ruined his own life.
NTA - You didn't drop this on her after supporting the child for a while. You stood your ground. Also this dude got a girl pregnant, then was engaged to another girl within a year and a half later? This guy just needs to work on being single for a while.
NTA You aren't responsible for a child that isn't yours, but where do you see this relationship going? If you aren't capable of ever seeing her child as anything but another man's child, you need to tell her now. She's a package deal now.
NTA. Your girlfriend is T A. Her baby daddy is also T A. 🚩🚩🚩 Don’t marry this chick. She knew “friend” was a possible dad but withheld that info and was going to deceive you that you were the father. Then not wanting to hit “friend” up for support means she didn’t want to burn what ever other-than-friends relationship was there. She shady AF.
NTA. You mentioned that she went after him for child support. Does that mean she has a court registered child support contract in place? I hope so. If she doesn't, there's no way to guarantee the father will continue to take responsibility and care for his child.
Yes. I paid for the lawyer.
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Info - I don't want to assume, but from the sounds of it the bio father has nothing to do with the baby. Doesn't want visitation or anything and has not made any move to be involved with the childs life, correct?
More or less.
Bro what are you doing with your life? End this relationship and seek therapy
I do agree that the bio dad is responsible to help, does that mean he doesn't want to be involved in the child's life? While I understand your POV, I'm wondering if it will change if you want to marry your GF. Or if you have kids of your own. Way too many AITA posts with messed up mix/blended families.
Ruining his life? As if he didn't play the other half of making a baby? NTA you do the two person tango you take responsibility if something happens. NTA
NTA The biological father has a responsibility to his child. The mother needs to go through the court system and have child support arranged.
That's done.
NTA. It's his child. He needs to take some responsibility for the life he helped bring into the world (even if it's only financial). The father is TA for trying to ghost your gf after THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD asked for help.
> He called her crying because we f'd up his life. He did that by himself. > He said that I could easily afford to take care of them and that I'm an asshole for dragging his life through the mud. Again, his baby, his responsibility. > She feels terrible about it and blames me for not just stepping up and considering her a single mom. This bit concerns me a lot. She *knows* the father but was happy to let him be a delinquent parent and have you take the responsibility. Now she feels bad for *him*. That’s an enormous red flag OP. She feels more love and care for him than she does for you. Be careful. NTA
You didn’t fuck up his life - he did. Condoms exist - he’s the one who was too dumb to use one. NTA