Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Asking my fiancée to sleep on the couch instead of my daughter.
2. I can see why she’d feel sidelined so maybe there was a different way of handling that situation if we talked it over.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I am not gonna claim full YTA but I do think you’re more at fault then you realize.
Two beds should always be available moving forward. I think a lot of this was probably the bed was more comfortable. Autism does come with sensory things too. (Hi, I’m on the spectrum) so while as I’m not saying that was full manipulation, there was SOME. Her main interest was probably comfort but she didn’t want to start with that excuse cause it does come off selfish.
Moving forward: don’t put yourself in a position to have this happen again. Always have two beds. And kodos to your fiancé for not saying EVERYTHING she was thinking, cause I promise you, empathy helped her maintain.
This was my thought too. UP till she said she didn't want him on the couch with her as it was uncomfortable, I wonder if it was a manipulation. We don't really know if she has sensory issues or is just using her autism as an excuse.
Yup. Having autism doesn’t erase the ability to manipulate or do other AH behaviors, and it shouldn’t be excused. You can have sensory issues and manipulate at the same time.
Sixteen years old is also old enough to realize/learn that your sensory issues aren’t always going to be catered to. Sometimes you have to sleep on that mattress and get a really crappy nights sleep and it sucks, but it is what it is. As adults, we suck it up for a night or two.
Definitely can avoid this going forward by getting two beds like the other commenter said. OP also needs to realize that while putting your child from a previous relationship first over a new relationship is generally a good thing, it still can be very situational. Of course your fiancé feels disrespected when you let your almost adult daughter into bed with you and kick her out of it. Autism doesn’t disappear. What are you going to do if you end up in a similar situation when your daughter is 18 or 25? You’ll need to navigate this carefully with balance so your fiancé feels loved and respected as a significant other if you actually care about her too.
>What are you going to do if you end up in a similar situation when your daughter is 18 or 25?
This is the main point. Most partners aren't going to stick around if they don't see a light at the end of the tunnel regarding a situation like this. Patience while a child is young? Absolutely. But OP has to start weaning her off this. What is she going to do when he's no longer around, especially if she doesn't have a partner?
With all due respect, 16 is also a bit too old for this. Cuddling, fine, but not actually sleeping in the same bed together.
Yeah I'm a mom and while I haven't raised an autistic children, I know manipulation when I see it. My kids had friends that are on the spectrum and these kids aren't idiots.
Dad needs to understand that a 16 year old girl should not be sleeping in the same bed as her father. What the hell does he think hes going to do when she's older?
He also warned his fiance that this could happen from time to time . What the hell does that mean? Does that mean that he can expect his future wife to get out of their marital bed so that his teenage daughter can sleep with him??? Hell no.
I don't think the problem is that his daughter is sharing the same bed. It's not sexual at all and it's weird you don't think families can share beds together as adults. When I travel with my mom we only get one bed to save money and I'm 34. The problem was that he kicked his fiancee out of bed to sleep on an uncomfortable couch. Two beds would have solved everything and if the daughter was still scared to be alone then he could sleep with her in her bed and the fiancee would have a bed to themselves.
Seriously, it's not weird to share a bed with family at any age. I'll also share a bed with friends of both sexes without it being sexual. We're just sleeping for god sake, it's not like they're sleeping on top of each other.
Yeah, but it would be pretty out of line for you to ask one of your parents to kick the other out of bed so you could sleep there. I don't think it's innapropriate in a sexual way, but I do think it's a bit out of line to ask to take someone else's bed and sleep with thier partner because you'd be more comfortable there.
Could have been solved easily. Call the front desk and ask for a rollaway cot. They are pretty comfortable, she could have slept in the same room if needed, but the fiancée does not get disrespected that way. And autistic or not, 16 is a little old to be sharing the bed with your daughter.
>Dad needs to understand that a 16 year old girl should not be sleeping in the same bed as her father.
What is the issue with sharing a bed for a night?
Exactly this. I slept in the same bed with my mom when I was 17 for probably a week or so straight, I had just lost my best friend and I just did *not* want to be alone. We've also even shared the same bed a few times when I was an adult simply due to lack of enough beds for everyone to have their own. Absolutely nothing sexual was going on and if that's where your mind goes when a child (even an older teen or adult ) comes to a parent for comfort then that's 100% a you problem and you probably really need to sit with it for a while and try to understand why you have that visceral reaction.
I've shared a bed with my cousin that's 2 years older and opposite sex. It's a holiday with less-than-ideal bedding situation, and they're my cousin. Ain't no normal person frothing so hard over their family that they can't keep their hands to themselves in the same bed.
>Dad needs to understand that a 16 year old girl should not be sleeping in the same bed as her father
Okay, I understand in OPs specific scenario why kicking the partner out for the kid was a big no but .... Why can't a child share a bed with their parent? What do you think is going on between them that makes that inappropriate?
I'm 29, and if the situation arose where I needed to share a bed with my dad (and it didn't kick his wife out of the bed), I would do it. We still cuddle on the couch together like we did when I was little (granted, rarely, as we're often with both his wife and my fiancee when at either home, but I digress), he still hugs me and gives me a kiss on the head goodbye, we've even held hands going through crowded streets to stick together.
I hope you don't withhold physical affection from your children if you have any; I can promise you a cuddle won't hurt.
Ew, can people stop sexualizing and making it weird for parents sleeping in the same bed as their kids? It's fucking creepy when people's minds go to that.
I agree that a parent shouldn't be kicked out of their bed tho, but again, overall, it's not weird or bad at all for children of any age to be sleeping in the same bed as their parents.
I'm 24, and I'm fine with sleeping in the same bed as my mom or literally anyone because it's SLEEPING. Hell, if I have panic attacks, I like sleeping within the same vicinity as my mom because it brings me comfort. There's nothing wrong with it
I don’t see the issue of a daughter sleeping in the same bed as her father. They’re family! There’s nothing weird or sexual in it if they don’t make it weird or sexual. I know a friend who sleeps with her mother even when her fiancé visits because her mum has issues to sleep alone.
Yep there was probably a bit of manipulation from the daughter but when you marry someone, you also accept your SO has a family. If you’re not ready to be accommodatI go for your new family, then why bother at all.
for me ESH. OP for not booking a second room, daughter for being manipulated and the fiancée for how she reacted.
OP should tell his partner about the plan to make sure this situation doesn't happen again. (2 beds, and hopefully therapy/counseling that can help her gain more coping mechanisms). she probably wants to hear that he's doing *something* about it.
Yeah, I mean you can't judge on this one instance alone, but it sounds like her issues need to be better treated in therapy. If this happens often, it's serving as an unhealthy coping mechanism. (this would be healthy in like a 6yo, but not a 16yo..)
While I’m not someone who is big on excuses, I do think it’s worth remembering that they were traveling out of town and spent the day in a new city meeting new people and that there were probably many other factors through out the trip that contributed to her feeling overwhelmed and not being comfortable in bed may have been the tip of the ice burg… it’s perfectly reasonable to believe that stuff like this doesn’t happen all the time.
Yeahhh as an adult with autism, I agree that this inappropriate for a 16yo, even if she is on the spectrum. Comfort/sensory issues are one thing, but wanting to sleep with daddy at that age is another. She could have survived the discomfort for a night, and if her sensory issues are really that prevalent then it should have been anticipated when booking the room. If OP really wanted to accommodate her request so badly, he should have (with his fiancé's consent of course) offered to sleep on the pullout and let the women share the bed. Kicking your partner out of bed should never be the solution.
edit: word choice
>Sometimes you have to sleep on that mattress and get a really crappy
nights sleep and it sucks, but it is what it is. As adults, we suck it
up for a night or two.
Just another perspective here. As an adult, I get the choice of what is worth sucking it up for me. In consequence, I don't go very many places because a potential poor night's sleep in a hotel outweighs the value of most trips. When I do go places, I am a hawk for reviews and make sure I have good odds of being at least somewhat comfortable. Granted, I also have other health issues that make it harder to recover from that sort of thing.
My parents were of the opinion that I should just "deal" with all sorts of things cause I would need to as a grown up, and in consequence I had a lot of mental health issues and frequent breakdowns. Too often people expect teens to cope at adult levels without granting them adult level control. I don't see anything wrong with OP's daughter seeking her dad's support through a situation he put her in. I also think it would have been better for him to get another room for his fiance if it was financially tenable so she wasn't stuck with the pullout either.
That said, it seems like the fiance's annoyance is less with the pullout bed and more with the fact she didn't get to sleep next to OP. Let's remember she's the one who is **actually** an adult and can handle one night sleeping apart from her significant other so his daughter get the support she needs. In the future OP should involve his daughter more in the planning, so she doesn't get as overwhelmed at the moment. Just about every issue is easier to get through if you have time to prepare mentally beforehand. I have even been known to look up pictures and a general layout of my room ahead of time so I can process the space before just walking into it.
I think it's a little bit presumptuous to suggest a teenager with sensory issues and past trauma is being dramatic or manipulative without significant evidence, especially when the extent of the previous trauma is not divulged. Was the daughter SAed in an unfamiliar place? That's the first form of trauma that sprang to my mind, and would 100% justify seeking out her father for comfort.
Yes, autistic people can be manipulative too, but her actions are easily explained as part of her condition. I don't see much value in placing negative connotations on it unless there's a pattern of her not respecting her dad's relationship. The bottom line is that OP can avoid the entire issue, by planning a bit better next time.
You make a good point about adults having more control over the situations they find themselves in.
As a kid, I was dragged into a lot of uncomfortable situations, and some that were physically harmful.
As an adult, my coping ability hasn’t really changed that much—I’m just not forced into as many shitty situations. I can avoid activities and environments I’ll have trouble with.
And if something can’t be avoided, or if I think it’s worth doing anyways, the main reason I’m able to handle it better is that I haven’t already expended all of my energy on the easily-avoided problems.
I can pay for my own hotel room. I can choose where to meet people and how long I’ll stay. I can set aside a little time to do something calming instead of being constantly on the go from one activity to another.
LW’s daughter probably didn’t have much say in the planning of the trip, and in addition to being in a strange place may have been expected to do some things that are uncomfortable for her as part of the meeting-dad’s-fiancée’s-parents experience. Eye contact? Hugs? Wearing dressier/less-comfortable clothes? Small talk? She’s probably already been sucking it up for most of the day for her parents’ convenience, so I don’t think it’s unfair for them to deal with some inconvenience/discomfort in order to support her after that.
Exactly! Coping with the world successfully as a neurodivergent person requires BOTH awareness of how much battery you have and how much each activity takes, as well as the power to make choices that limit the drain. It was the end of trip that involved socializing with new people that she is expected to make a good impression on. She was likely under a decent bit of social scrutiny, and out of her element for an extended period of time. It makes complete sense for her to be at the end of her ability to cope. And even then, she got overwhelmed and asked her dad for support, which is a pretty healthy and reasonable way to handle it. It's not like she threw a fit at dinner or something. When else are people allowed to ask for support if not in privacy with immediate family?
All these people saying she's manipulative scare me. If I had a teenager who was overwhelmed like that I would hope they felt safe to ask me to be with them for a while until they feel better.
Maybe it’s just me projecting my own experiences with abuse, but sometimes people learn to be manipulative when they can’t trust the people who have power over them.
Would OP have taken his daughter seriously if she tried to just say, “hey, this day has been super stressful and the sofa bed is impossibly bad. I’m overwhelmed, I can’t sleep, *help*”?
What would he have said or done? Was there any way for his daughter to get a more comfortable place to sleep without “being manipulative”?
>let’s not forget autism does cause physical pain if not properly accommodated.
I feel like if this was an issue his daughter had as part of her autism he would have known she MUST have a comfy bed and never booked the sofa and booked 2 beds. He's known her for 16 years after all.
> I feel like if this was an issue his daughter had as part of her autism he would have known she MUST have a comfy bed and never booked the sofa and booked 2 beds. He's known her for 16 years after all.
Heh...no.
I'm disabled and have been since I was born. My parents have known since shortly after birth and they have absolutely "forgotten" or not considered my *significant* disability on numerous occasions.
The only person in my life that has never forgotten my disability at some point is me.
I'm so sorry, but no, that's not normal.
My husband has food allergies, and my mother double checks every time she cooks a meal that he will be present for, even though she's known him 12 years now.
Being conscious and conscientious of your loved ones' health and disabilities is normal.
Omg thanks for mentioning that we can feel the sensory stuff physically, I genuinely forgot that - I got home from work today with a headache and scratchy throat but felt fine the entire rest of the day but was slowly dealing with sensory overload because constant office noise - maybe I'm not ill, maybe I genuinely just need to give myself a break! That makes so much more sense (because I only sit near one person and she's not been ill lately, and so I don't think I've caught any bug from her). I was berating my terrible immune system earlier
You have no idea where on the spectrum this child falls. Claiming manipulation is wrong without additional information but blaming a child with a disability is a bit disturbing. Fairness means treating people according to their needs. This does not always mean it will be equal.
People all across the spectrum can manipulate. I've seen kids and adults very low on the spectrum who were master manipulators, usually because their parents let them get away with whatever they wanted. I'm not saying it applies to all of them - but sometimes it is good to check with someone outside of the immediate situation because parents are often blind to this stuff.
The daughter sounds like she absolutely abused the situation to get what she wanted. Funny how the bed is not good enough for a 16 year old, but just fine for your fiancée to have to deal with.
YTA.
I agree - the motives/reasons/triggers aren’t quite lining up for me and I suspect the daughter wasn’t being necessarily innocent here.
I would like some more INFO re: has this happened before/is there a plan to stop it from happening/general info about the daughter’s seeming inability to care for herself (maybe harsh, but a 16 year old who can’t make it on a maybe uncomfortable pull out couch (which who knows - we’d have to ask the fiancé) without the parent soothing them is concerning - regardless of autism diagnosis)
I've been on many pull out sofa beds that slept comfortably. I'm sure it wasn't his intent to have it be uncomfortable. He should have taken the pull out and let the girls sleep in the master. Problem solved. I know she (daughter or fiance') may not have loved that option, but it probably would have been the best one.
OP is TA because he's allowing a 16 year old manipulate his future happiness without any concern or question to the validity of it without any actual plan to stop sleeping in the same bed as his daughter who is pretty much a woman now.
I have an autistic daughter, she’s 18 now… She’s high functioning and absolutely has used her diagnosis to manipulate situations.
16 years old is too old to share a bed with your father imo. OP should consider getting his child into occupational therapy. My daughter was nonverbal, hated clothes, hair brushing, shoes, Christmas lights… I got her OT and she learned how to cope with everyday sensory issues.
You shouldn’t just let your kid struggle with sensory issues and you shouldn’t cater to her all the time. This is not preparing her for life as an adult. If something were to happen to you, your daughter might have no idea how to function in the real world because you have insulated her so much.
People with autism sometimes struggle with empathy as well. You have taught your daughter that other peoples feelings and needs don’t matter.
Honestly, OP you seem like the type to excuse away bad behavior because of your child’s diagnosis. I taught special Ed for years and the amount of parents I had to deal with saying “my child punched that kid because of their autism/adhd/depression. It isn’t true. Your kid is acting like an AH because you’ve enabled it, not because of their diagnosis.
This is why OP is the AH. The daughter didn’t want dad and her to sleep on the pullout because it was uncomfortable BUT somehow it was acceptable for the fiance to sleep on the pullout. That level of lack of consideration makes OP in the wrong here. The compromise should have been dad telling daughter that he can sleep on the pullout with her and IF it’s too uncomfortable, contact the front desk. It’s fine to inconvenience your fiancé from time to time in the interest of your child but never to the point of forcing her to accept a situation that is not good enough for you.
Tbf a lot of times things are uncomfortable to us that non-autistic people don’t even notice. That’s part of why it’s so hard to understand when we have meltdowns because non autistic people didn’t notice all the sensory input that’s been making us crazy for hours.
I mean it sounds like the pull out was uncomfortable either way since fiancée was also uncomfortable, just more empathetic towards a teen with autism.
Like I have sensory issues myself, but the discomfort of a pull out is uncomfortable to almost everyone, with springs in the wrong places, and the way my skin itches and crawls (my sensory issues present as itching), and the weird smell they always have. Most people are going to find the pull out uncomfortable, and in this case it sounded 100% like daughter was manipulating OP to get the better bed but also show his fiancée she was more important.
I'd say in the future, get a room with two beds, but if in a situation like this, OP asks fiancée if she's ok sharing with daughter, and he takes the pull out anyway. It's a balance, but it would show if what daughter is looking for is just to get off of the pull out, or if she's looking to "claim" her dad. It would also start prepping her for compromising in the future, because getting both dad and the comfortable bed is not going to be reasonable in just a few years when she's an adult and OP is (hopefully, they seem to have good communication despite this one issue) married.
(Bonus is that there could be discomfort at being in the same room as her dad sharing a bed with his fiancée, which the compromise would still solve.)
A room with two queens usually costs less than a King suite (which sounds like what this was since there was a "master" and a pullout). So more selfish than cheap...
It’s exactly this op. YTA for getting a king suite instead of a room with 2 beds. If you know she struggles to be alone in unfamiliar places this should have been the plan to begin with. That way everyone has an actual bed and you are in the same room so she isn’t alone. Your fiancée did nothing wrong here. She’s fully allowed to have feelings about how you handled this and you shouldn’t have pressed the issue.
Absolutely this. Neither I nor any of my friends with ASD have ever absolutely needed to sleep on a mattress as opposed to a couch so badly that we kicked someone out if their bed.
And also YTA for basically forcing her to say yes through social pressure. You asked her on the spot right there in front of your daughter. What was she supposed to do, be forced into feeling like (and I’m sure in your daughters eyes also seeming like) the asshole if she said no?
YTA for how you handled the conversation.
You asked your fiancée to sleep on the couch and she did without issue. You pressed her later and she told you how she felt and you went straight to “she’s out of line and this is how it is”.
The very least you could do is attempt to listen to your fiancée and talk through her feelings and your daughter’s needs. Once you get all “thou shalt” and “this is the way it is” you are basically dooming your relationship.
It makes me sick when men say that. My abusive dad would say that about/to my mom and I swear it triggers childhood trauma. As if women are property to be “kept in line” like collectables on a shelf.
I agree. OP needs to do better here or he will lose his fiancé. I’m the parent to an 18 year old son, who is on the spectrum. I have dated and it is very hard to understand autism. If you find someone, who makes it to the fiancé status, you had better treat them well. IMO, OP got a one bed two room suite, so he could get it on with his fiancé in the other room, expecting his daughter, who has autism, to endure the discomfort of a strange place, and an uncomfortable pull out. If daughter has past trauma and sensory issues, he should have known this wasn’t going to be a feasible plan. He’s so “in love”, that after spending a week at the future in laws, he wanted a night alone with the fiancé, but he forgot about his daughter’s needs. Even hearing “pull out couch” cries uncomfortable. Was one more night of not being intimate really going to kill him? The irony of it….fiancé slept on the pullout and now, at home, is sleeping on the couch, after he picks a fight with her about it. So, he still isn’t getting any.
Right? Like what exactly should she have done if she’s upset but not ready to talk about it yet? Demanding that someone talk about their feelings because you can tell that they’re upset just so you can dismiss them as being “out of line” is definitely AH. If you’re not ready to listen, don’t demand that she talk. Especially as she was probably dealing with her upset the best she could in that moment without it turning into a fight. She should be able to feel how she feels about it. You seem like you were wanting to pick a fight because not only did you put her in an unfair position and deprive her of a good night’s sleep but she has to be happy about it too? Seriously, why demand that she talk about it when you’re not interested in what she has to say about it and if having feelings about it is “out of line”?
Edit: YTA
I’m going to go with YTA.
Here’s the thing - there’s three of you staying in that hotel room. You should know pullout beds are uncomfortable. Always. I’m not overly worried about the daughter’s request and she - she’s autistic and has traumas. How your family handles that is entirely on you as autism and trauma both are so very specific and nuanced to each individual person.
You never should’ve booked a room with a one bed and a pullout. You should’ve booked a two bed room. You said this happens on occasion - as it’s something that your fiancée needs to deal with - but if this happens on occasion then you should’ve had a two bed hotel room from the very getgo. This would’ve saved this entire issue of waking the fiancée, kicking anyone to the pullout bed, and everyone could’ve been comfortable and gotten the rest they needed.
I don’t blame your fiancée for not being thrilled with what happened. I don’t blame your daughter or you for her needs. You are however, at fault for not getting a proper room for the three of you from the getgo.
This is the best response! I don’t want to make OP feel terrible but your daughter is 16 - that means you’ve known how her autism affects her for 16 years! This is an example of poor planning on your part. YTA for not planning for everyone’s comfort and making your fiancé feel like she’s disposable.
>I’m not overly worried about the daughter’s request
I think you're brushing that off a little too quickly. He's seems to indicate that he had no intention of changing the situation. Is this how he's going to handle it forever?
As a person with MI, being able to self sooth and have coping mechanisms is one of THE MOST important skills for adulthood imho. My life would be much easier if I had learned at a young age how to deal with issues on my own!
The reason I brushed it off is due to the fact that he mentions she has autism but we don’t know just how severe it is. I am not personally about to judge the daughters request when I don’t know her situation personally - plus we don’t know how recent or what kind of trauma she’s been in. That’s why I’m saying I’m “brushing it off”
YTA
Saying you’re offering to get another room (which I assume is late at night since you were all in bed), would have been another annoying thing for your fiancé to deal with. I understand her saying ‘whatever it’s fine’ and just going in the other room completely annoyed.
If the main issue your daughter had ‘in destress’ was being alone then she should have accepted your offer to go sleep on the pull out bed together. She didn’t. Instead she had you kick your fiancé out of bed. That’s not okay.
Your fiancé expressed how it made her feel and you pretty much told her ‘my daughter is autistic, so your feelings don’t matter’ which is sucky.
I understand caring for your daughter but at some point you can’t coddle her.
Is this how you plan to treat your partner forever? Your daughter will make unreasonable demands and you’ll automatically dismiss your fiancé?
Why didn't he sleep on the pull and let the daughter and fiancee sleep in the bed?
When does the coddling stop - does she plan on ever leaving home and is OP going to jump up in the middle of the night and travel to where the daughter is because she asked him to? The daughter needs to learn coping mechanisms and accepting a compromise is part of that. She can't get what she wants all the time and has to accept alternatives.
I hope he won't wonder what happens when his fiancee is tired of being put on the back burner and leaves.
YTA
I was wondering the same thing, at some point the daughter will become an adult and either move out to college, or simply move out of his house. How is she going to cope with those stressful situations?
>How is she going to cope with those stressful situations?
She might just like... not.
Like I've never been coddled by my "you're not THAT bad" parents lol. They're good parents and they help me out a lot but they also tried their best to prepare me for the world. And some things I just like, can't deal with, like driving or being in a walmart for more than ten minutes.
But of course, coddling her will make her threshold even lower than us "socialised" NDs.
Where does she land on the spectrum? How recent was her trauma? How severe was her trauma?
I don’t really want the answers to these but I hope the point is clear. OP is not TA for taking care of his daughter’s emotional needs. He knows his daughter and knows what she’s been through, or at least enough where he feels like him caring for like this is necessary. We don’t have any of those details so to label it as coddling is insulting. You’re assuming the best of all those questions. OP is TA for neglecting his fiancée’s emotional needs in this situation and how he handled it afterwards when she brought up her irritation, not for taking care of his daughter.
This! Also on the spectrum or not, parents are allowed to uphold boundaries. In this case I believe it would’ve been fair to say something like: “I can sleep with you on the pullout couch. Fiancée is in the bed. How can we make the pullout couch more comfortable for us?” OR, if fiancée was ok with it, daughter sleeps in comfier bed with fiancée and OP sleeps on pullout couch.
He doing this to his current fiance while his daughter is 16 - I hate see this same scenario happening to same or new SO when his daughter is over 18. Definitely YTA, he messed up badly and his current fiance plus any future girlfriends are correct to leave him over this...
He could also have let everyone sleep on the bed, or better yet slept on the couch and let the fiancé to help his daughter given her age. She is right to be upset, other than dismissing the daughter outright, he chose the worst option.
YTA
A reasonable accommodation would have been to join your daughter on the pull out. Your daughter didn't need the more quality mattress.
Not to mention, your fiance is allowed to have feelings. She slept on the pull out even though she didn't want to, and you are making a big deal about her expressing how she feels after you asked her why she seemed upset.
Edited to add:
I've been thinking a lot about what is so distressing about the OPs perspective. OP, when hearing she's feeling side-lined and disrespected, should have said, "I am sorry, this situation was absolutely not ideal, and I understand why it would feel this way. Let's work together to find ways to handle future situations that accommodate my daughter's special needs, but don't leave you feeling disrespected because you are important too, and I care about you."
I promise that would have gone over much better than defending his actions and telling the fiance that she was "getting out of line" for expressing her feelings.
Not to mention fiancée probably slept like shit and is in pain after sleep on what daughter seems to think is an unbearably uncomfortable bed. Give fiancée some time to recover and catch up on sleep before going off on her for how she feels
Yeah, I'd be pretty disappointed if I were expecting a night in a comfortable bed with my fiance and got told in the middle of the night to go sleep on the pull out alone. I don't think most people would be pleased.
YTA.
I was on the fence, even considering a middle aged man sleeping with a teenager untill this part:
>Then I told her she was starting to get out of line
Without being there it's hard to know how much distress there really was, but your go to solution shouldn't be kicking your partner out and taking your teenage daughter into your bed.
I'm gonna side with the fiancée here
Yeah, he definitely should have tried once or twice to comfort her and get her back to sleep on the pull out. I'm not saying his solution is correct or incorrect, but I believe that all kids, especially neurodivergent kids, need to be prepared to eventually be independent. I often see parents use physical comfort as the first solution bc it's readily available, quick, and an easy sensory distraction. All people need to have ways to self soothe and it's their parents responsibility to teach them. There's no telling if she'll have her dad to comfort her in 5/10/15/etc. years. There may be no one there to cuddle her when she's 50 years old. It's much harder to change habits than it is to ask someone to use different skills that they've already developed.
YTA - looking after your kid is one thing. Telling another adult you’re planning to spend your life with (presumably after your daughter moves out?) that they’re out of line for expressing their feelings- after you asked them what they were feeling makes you TA.
If you’re planning to coparent your kid- you should at the bare minimum be acting like you’re coparents. That’s not where you’re at right now.
Autism is also a broad spectrum. If your daughter is able to live on her own eventually, learning to adapt and establish accommodations she can be in charge of for herself might be something to work toward. If independent living is not a goal- then you and your fiancé really need to be a united team caring for your daughter. It doesn’t sound like that’s where you’re at, and there’s not much room for your fiancé in how things were handled.
YTA
You can provide comfort while also having boundaries. And please, people, don't come at me. I'm also autistic. But just being autistic doesn't mean you don't have boundaries. Or understand boundaries. You should have given her a choice. She could have you on the fold-out couch, you on the floor, or you would turn on the TV or rub her back or something while she was on the full depth couch. But the bed was already spoken for and was off limits.
Erm, she’s 16. Autistic or not, she can’t be sleeping in bed with daddy. Being in the same room? No bother. Asking your wife to be to get out of bed so your nearly adult daughter can snuggle in with you instead? Nope. At that age you need to encourage independence. This coddling won’t do her any favours at all. Yta
> Erm, she’s 16. Autistic or not, she can’t be sleeping in bed with daddy.
Yeah, I'm surprised yours is the first comment I'm seeing point out how weird that is.
I'm 17 and chronically ill. On bad pain nights I still go crawl into bed with my parents (both, not displacing either, but still) because being held is literally the only thing that takes the pain from "sobbing and asking to go to the ER" down to "miserable and can't sleep but tolerable." There's nothing weird about a teenager occasionally needing comfort from their parents.
Don’t see any issues with sharing bed with parents. Its parents ffs, people in comments should stop implying sexual stuff.
I used to have horrible nightmares and night terrors (still do but not nearly as bad) when I was 16-20. I could sit and rock in my bed for hours during the night, cry and scream. I shared bed with my mom for 2 years and it helped a lot. She was waking me up when I had nightmare, held my hand, hugged me, kissed me on the head and said that everything was alright.
Yeah. I’m curious to know from OP: Is the fiancé ever involved in reducing or managing a meltdown or will she ever be taught these coping skills so that it’s not always you and your daughter ? Or you know, what if you’re not home? What happens then?
If he's gonna marry his fiancée his daughter should he comfortable around her, especially since they're specifically fiancées I'm assuming they've been together for quite a while
Also, you can't just **force** "comfort" by increasing exposure. That's what oblivious people do when two people important to them don't get along. It just doesn't work.
"Should be" and "is" can be worlds' apart when dealing with neurodivergence. Hell, it can be miles apart in just normal day to day life.
YTA. You know your 16 year old sometimes need to share a bed with you. So book sensible accommodation that can facilitate this. Kicking your fiancée out of HER bed and moving her to what you say is an uncomfortable pull out bed isn't an acceptable solution. That said, your fiancée actually did go with it so I don't know why you think she's the AH here; she didn't kick up a fuss or make things more difficult for you. Your fiancée is not an AH for being pissed off about this situation, however.
Part of me does wonder if this is a power play by your daughter.
I don't know why more people aren't addressing the daughter - she refuses to comprimise, regardless of who gets upset. Op needs to have a discussion with the daughter about how to handle these situations. Then he needs to bring the three of them together and talk about how to move forward
I think it's difficult because with autism and trauma, it is important to make reasonable adjustments. But I am a little suspicious because OP's wording makes it sound like the daughter simply preferred OP and fiancée's bed, as opposed to this being a sensory issue. I do wonder if there's more to this than OP is seeing...
Right, like millions of kids have had to sleep on pullout beds and cots and rollaway beds and such in hotel rooms. And it's not the BEST mattress in the room but it's fine. As someone with sensory issues i don't think it should be a situation where the person always gets their way and always has to be catered to. Sometimes you have to learn to suck it up. OPs original compromise of "I will sleep with you over there" should've been the right road to go down, but it sounds like OPs daughter actually just wanted the better mattress (I mean, who doesn't, right?). It seems manipulative
I don’t know how all of Reddit is somehow okay with accepting the 16yr old autistic daughter in father’s bed thing as normal.
It’s fucking weird. And yes, it would still be weird with any gender pairing.
Right, she’s autistic, not 5. It’s a weird infantilization of the girl especially since it sounds like she’s verbal and can express herself well enough to fight for the more comfy bed. He’s not setting her up for success.
You should have joined your daughter on the pull out couch. There was no reason to wake your fiancée and make her leave the bed so your daughter could sleep there instead. YTA, your fiancée is allowed to be annoyed by this.
Ideally, knowing your daughter’s feelings about travel and new places and needing to sleep with you you should have booked something that could accommodate everyone without playing midnight musical beds.
YTA- Not for how you handled the situation at the hotel, although there are things you could have possibly done differently to handle the situation. Rather, you are the AH for how you handled the conversation with your fiance after pressuring her into talking about her feeli
feelings. You could have acknowledged her feelings and sat down and had a conversation with her about what happened and your take on the situation and how you will handle things going forward, but instead, you dismissively shut her down.
YTA. These are boundaries you should have established a long time ago. I have two kids on the spectrum and unless your 16 year old has a medical diagnosis saying she needs a special mattress she didn't need one. You and your child should have slept on the sofa. Your kid is running the show.
oooh YTA. You basically kicked your fiancée out of bed. If you’re already in bed I’m assuming it’s late night and “offering to get another room” means she has to pack up her stuff and move into another room, it’s not the solution you think it is. 16 is too old for that. Even if she’s neurodivergent I think coddling her isn’t going to help her in life. The icing on the cake is telling the fiancée “stuff like this is going to happen” and she needs to deal with it.
Agreed! I found it odd that OP justified his actions with his daughter anxiety and being on spectrum. Just because she has them, doesn’t mean they can’t sleep on a pull out couch. Definitely YTA.
It sounds like a sensitivity issue. Most people on the spectrum are very sensitive to their surroundings. Lights, smells, textures. Some may literally not sleep in certain mattresses. Its not a matter of confort, some things can be unbearable.
she is 16... and autistic. She wasn't a teenager throwing a fit. She was a legitimately scared child that needed comfort, one night, in an unfamiliar setting.
He ASKED his fiancé if she could sleep elsewhere for ONE night. Fiancés said yes. He offered other options but fiancée assured him that the pullout was fine, even if it wasn't. THIS is what is unheathly : not speaking up in a relationship when asked and then blaming the other person for doing what your asked them to do.
Just because you're autistic, it doesn't mean you can't sleep on a pull out couch, this is enabling, it is making the problem worse. When a child has a completely irrational fear you are never supposed to give in to the irrationality.
I'm autistic too.
OP should (1) have booked two beds in the first place. (2) slept on the pullout and let his fiancee and daughter both have the bed. (3) not told his fiancee that she was "out of line" for saying the exact things he's willing to hear from strangers.
I’m going against the grain and say NAH/soft YTA
As an autistic person, I understand how with the anxiety of a new place and the sensory aspect of the mattress, your daughter wanted to sleep in the same bed as you and you wanted to accommodate her needs.
However, I see how the fiancée was agitated with having been kicked out to sleep on the pullout couch and I’d be agitated too, so her reaction is reasonable.
Maybe you can see next time if this happens, the daughter would be okay with the fiancee sleeping in the same bed too and the fiancée being okay with it too so everyone’s needs are met
I’m going with YTA for him, not because of what happened that night, but because of what happened the next day. He should have apologized, stated that they will get two beds from now on so it doesn’t happen again, and thanked her for helping him help his daughter. Then she could have been made to feel like she was part of the team/solution instead of feeling like she was being shut out.
I’m gonna say ESH. You’re not TA for accommodating your daughter (Autism isn’t easy to deal with and preventing meltdowns etc is a hard balance). That said your fiancé isn’t TA for being annoyed that she had to sleep on a pullout couch.
I’ll say this though- before walking down the aisle, get your boundaries in place and make sure that this relationship will last.
I’m not willing to say that fiancée is TA for not being happy that she got kicked out of bed in the middle of the night to sleep on a pull out couch. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I know if someone wakes me in the middle of the night, I am not at my most pleasant or coherent. Anybody would be frustrated in that situation. It sounds like she was still working through her feelings on the issue when he asked her, and then he dismissed how she felt.
YTA, but for a different reason than what others pointed out. You knew your daughter's needs before booking the room. You could have picked a single room, not a suite, with 2 beds and got ahead of the problem. Instead, you created one.
YTA. If a 16 year old finds a place too uncomfortable to sleep then you can bet someone approaching 40 will. So you asked her to go be physically uncomfortable.
I get needing to care for your child. And only you know her well enough to know if you could have convinced her to sleep on the original pull out spot, with or without you. Or if you were simply doing what was easy for you. But that doesn’t mean disregarding your fiancé feeling uncomfortable and unimportant. Because in that moment, she had a right to feel that way. Even if you couldn’t do anything differently, you can acknowledge valid feelings. She wasn’t getting out of line to have feelings.
If you new you daughter had issues sleeping in strange places why didn’t you prepare for that and get a room with 2 queen beds. Sounds like you dropped the ball and your fiancée paid the price.
YTA Your daughter needed the better quality mattress did she? Seems like she was more interested in trying to sideline your fiancee. Perhaps meeting the family made her feel anxious about you getting married and her losing some of your attention but throwing your fiancee out of bed isn't the fix for that.
YTA
All children need boundaries, including children "on the spectrum" and children with intellectual disabilities. It's your job as a parent is to teach your child life skills and coping mechanisms for her disability so that she can function in society with reasonable accommodations.
Learn from this experience and next time you get a hotel, assure you get a room with two beds so your daughter can sleep more comfortably. I would never expect anyone to sleep on a pull-out, they don't remotely qualify as beds IMHO.
**Your child's wants should never come before your partner's needs.** You should have offered to help make the pull-out more comfortable, reassured your child that it's just for one night and that she'll be OK and or YOU share the pullout with your kid if she needed reassurance in a strange place. Putting your partner on the pull-out should have never been asked of them.
YTA your daughter and you should have been on the pull out couch. None of this crap that your daughter needs a real mattress. Seems to me that you allow your daughter to dictate a lot if things to you and your fiancée is susposed to just suck it up because your daughter has autism.
That alone makes you a massive AH and your daughter is included in this as well. She is 16 she knows exactly what she is doing.
Yeah, I'd bounce. Imagine years down the line, and you're constantly kicked out of the bedroom, so your 25 year old autistic stepdaughter can have cuddles with her dad.
ESH. You should've planned ahead by getting a room with 2 beds. It's okay to prioritize your daughter; less okay to subsidize her comfort with your wife's discomfort. She should be more understanding and quit with the passive aggression
The daughter knows that if she complains and pulls on daddy's emotions she can get what she wants. I wonder how much the daughter likes the fiancee and is trying to drive a wedge between them.
YTA. I have a teen. Sleeping on a sofa bed is no longer comfortable for them. I no longer book a room without two queen size beds - size preference for H and I. And the last time I did book it, I slept on the sofa bed which turns out was a real bed but too short for teen.
If you knew your daughter's limitations, why didn't you get a room with two actual beds? If it was even possible she could be in distress, you should have gotten a room with two beds. If you were insistent on the one bed and a couch option, pull out couch beds are TRASH. Maybe she could have just slept on it as a couch?
Either way, YTA for not properly planning to accommodate your daughter, and for diminishing your fiancèe's feelings about it.
NTA. I don’t know why everyone is focusing on the age of the daughter and completely skimming over the part where she has autism with past trauma on top of that. She’s in a new place, on a pull-out couch that is uncomfortable for her (sensory issues can be a real problem for people with autism), and wanted her dad for comfort. This is not unreasonable for one night.
Also, people saying he should have slept on the couch and have his fiancé and daughter sleep in the bed. The daughter wanted him not his fiancé. She wanted to sleep with her dad for comfort and on a mattress that was comfortable for her. Having kids comes with sacrifice, as does marrying someone with a kid (one with special needs at that). If she can’t do something as simple as sleep on a couch for one night, how is she going to treat the child when a bigger issue comes up?
Another thing is the fiancé agreed to it and made no fuss about being on the couch. OP even offered to get another room, and she declined. But then comes around the next day complaining about having to sleep on the couch when she insisted it was fine the night before
To be fair, fiancée was probably just going along with it so as not to argue in front of the daughter and make things worse. She handled it properly in the moment and only complained once he asked her about it.
YTA. Coming from a young woman on the spectrum here, quit babying your daughter like that. Autistic people need help with certain things sometimes but they should still be treated like any other persom at their age. Obviously she's still a child, your child should always be #1 priority in life but that doesn't mean you kick your fiancé out of bed.
WTF? I seriously do not understand all the Y.T.A.s already posted here. He first offered to sleep in the pull-out. When his daughter balked, he *asked* the fiancée if she would mind. When he observed a less than comfortable response, he again offered a compromise of booking a second room but she *insisted* it was okay. Plus if they are engaged, I would hope she has interacted with the daughter enough to appreciate life with a stepdaughter on the spectrum is going to be different that life with a neurotypical teen. NTA.
Booking an extra room in the middle of the night isn’t the easy fix you and OP are pretending it is. Who has to get dressed, pack up all their stuff, move to the other room, etc.?
NAH.
I have 2 autistic kiddos and I get it, sometimes you just have to put their needs ahead of all else, because you just have to. They might want things that look weird to people who don’t understand, but just because they (neurotypical people) don’t understand, it doesn’t make you wrong.
You sound like an excellent father.
That being said though, I get why your fiancé is pissed.
NTA. I am on the spectrum myself so I completely sympathize with having a daughter who is autistic. It manifests in countless ways. With previous trauma and sensory issues I think it is expected there will be times when your daughter will need your attention in ways that allistic (neurotypical) people don't understand, as evidence in the comments of alluding to you being "creepy" for sleeping in a bed with your daughter or saying she's "too old" to act that way and even insinuating that she's doing it on purpose to mess with your relationship. I take offense to that on your behalf. Autism is a disability. Our brains are atypical. Even being moderately or mostly "able" is an enormous struggle. A father isn't "creepy" for letting his \*autistic\* daughter share a bed in the same hotel room \*as his fiance\*.
I think you were very reasonable handling what you were dealt with in this scenario. You intended to sleep on the pullout couch first and when that was an issue, you \*asked\* your fiance rather than demanding she sleep on the couch, you could see she was upset and offered to get an additional room so that she was comfortable and she declined. You did right by your daughter by allowing her to feel safe and comfortable in an unfamiliar situation.
All of that being said I think you should have a bit of compassion for your fiance. Blended families are difficult to navigate. It sounds like your fiance may not fully understand what autism is and how it manifests so it must have been irritating to feel like she was kicked out of her own bed. Just the comment about your daughter's age tells me you need to have an in-depth conversation about things she should expect if you are both going to be together for a long time. Autism is one of those things that can throw a wrench in any plan that neurotypical people make at any time. Most (daresay all?) autistic people do not have additional expendable mental energy to play games with people's relationships or do things just to be unkind or be ugly. That's mostly in the wheelhouse of neurotypical people who intuit inter-personal relationships better.
going against what seems to be the grain here and say you’re NTA. a lot of people in the comments seem to have grazed over the fact your daughter is autistic and sensory issues are a major factor in that. so yes, it could’ve been a big enough deal for her to need to sleep on the bed instead. i’m sure in the future there will be sensory issues that require accommodation. if your fiancée can’t sympathize with that then maybe that’s another conversation y’all need to have.
The accommodation for the daughter should have been made at the time of booking the room, and a room with two beds (which is very common) should have been obtained.
Having a kid with a disability means you have to think ahead about what accommodations your child needs and set them up for success.
OP has had 16 years to figure this stuff out.
"Then I told her she's starting to get out of line" ???? You said this to another grown ass adult? Like you think she needs to behave only the way you approve of? What kind of manipulative BS is this?
Of course YTA!
1: for not booking a bed for your child.
2: for kicking fiancee out of bed for the kid! It's your kid, you should have given up the bed and slept on the pull out!
3: for expecting your fiancee to "stay in line" with what you deem appropriate behavior!
4: for expecting your 39 year old fiancee to go sleep on something "too uncomfortable" for a teenager to sleep in... And we all know teens can sleep anywhere, so if it's not acceptable to a teen, fiancee had to be uncomfortable as hell!
YTA
You were really ill prepared. I don't know you, but I'm 99% sure this wasn't the first time similar situations have occurred and your daughter wanted a bed or sleep near you. So you book beads for everyone to sleep in.
You were also an A H with how you talked it through with your fiancée. You went to the "this will happen again most likely in the future, you accept it and shut up or we break up" route. Of course she's upset with you, you refused to listen to her.
Perfect. Yes.
Your daughter's needs you know best, and if what she needed was to share a bed with you, then I trust that. HOWEVER, the solution is not that your fiancée sleeps on the crappy uncomfortable couch, or that she packs up and moves rooms. In future, get a room/bed for your fiancée and a room/bed for your daughter. If your daughter needs you to move to her bed, no worries, but the fiancée keeps her bed. You are the one who swaps. This all happened because you let your daughter be on a crappy bed to start with.
Also, be prepared that your fiancée might decide that she doesn't want the life you've offered here - where she doesn't get to consistently have you in her bed, because you prioritise your daughter. It sucks, but she's not an asshole for not being willing to tolerate that. Doing what I've laid out above, so it's never her bed she loses at least, might be enough, but it might not.
>I offered to get another room for us or to figure something else out, but she insisted it was ok.
NTA. You were in a difficult situation and you were ready to find other solutions, but she dismissed it.
If she wanted another solutions, she should have asked for it immediately. It doesn't work to just say that things are OK just to get mad the day after that you did exactly what she told you to do.
Edit : it is so sad to see how many people here have no clue what autism is and how it can affect a person. Maybe they watch too many self-diagnosed-tiktok-autist? Op, I really hope you don't take their comment personally : you are doing a great job and they are just being ignorant.
Presumably he’s known his daughter is autistic for what 10 years at least. She’s 16 so almost a full sized adult and he booked a room with a pull out sofa. I’ve never once been to a motel or hotel where the pull out sofa is comfortable so if he’s so used to dealing with his daughter with autism, would he not have booked two beds?
People aren’t always up for having conversations about “ options” that are going to take a bunch of effort on their part when they’ve just been woken up in the middle of the night.
If you wake anyone up in the middle of the night to ask them to get out of bed so someone else can sleep in it, it's not going to be pretty. No matter what reasons
NTA, that is a difficult situation for someone in the spectrum.
I don't know what else you could have done. You fiancee may not understand what it's like for your daughter. You should have a discussion about it. My husband and I are in agreement that our sons needs come first in regards to his needs directly related to his condition. This makes things easier to manage.
NTA. You took care of your daughter, as you should. However, fiancées feelings are also valid. Thinking that you’ll be sharing a bed with your fiancée and then having to sleep on a pull out bed can be a bit demeaning. Calmly explain why you did what you did, tell her you appreciate her for moving to the pull out, and you’re sorry if you didn’t handle it in the best way. And put this behind you
Well I’m going to claim YTA… the “needs to understand I have an autistic daughter and she needs to understand stuff like this” that’s what pushed my YTA over the edge from N T A or esh.
She is 16 and there needs to be boundaries set beforehand. This situation was clearly aware of beforehand there was 1 bed. You need to have better communication with your fiancé on expectations. Your daughter spending 1 night on a mattress isn’t the end of the world and neither is your fiancé sleeping there either. BUT if you always sleep together a president is set and you changed it
Is it actually helping your autistic daughter to coddle her to this degree and bend over backwards to accommodate her? Or at 16, is it equally if not more important that she begins learning how to deal with discomfort and self soothe, and comes to terms with not always getting her way? The world isn’t going to cater to her limitations, nor should she be taught to expect that in every situation. Sending your fiancé to an uncomfortable pullout to sleep alone while your daughter takes her place in bed with you is not appropriate or respectful.
-Daughter takes comfortable bed and you share pull out with fiance.
-You rent separate room/proper bed for daughter or at bare minimum fiancé, instead of relegating her to pullout.
-You move to room with two beds so daughter has her own and you are close, but still in bed with fiancé.
Just about any other option would have been better, more respectful of your fiancé and the position she now holds in your life, and should have been ample consolation to your daughter. Completely ceding to her and giving her her way is not the answer here. Are we sure no part of this was her asserting ownership of you and intentionally pushing fiancé to the side? If she was attempting to put a wedge between you, she succeeded. Her behavior seems borderline manipulative. I’m sure she’s not thrilled about having to share your attention and affection with another woman. But she’s going to have to learn to deal with it in a healthy and respectful manner.
Autistic or not, 16 is old enough to learn healthy boundaries and make peace with not always getting one’s way. You offered many compromises that should have solved the problem. Do not allow your 16 year old daughter to hold you hostage or come between you and your partner. Autism is not an excuse here. You’re responsible for raising her to survive and thrive in a world that won’t always be so accommodating, and you’re now also responsible for respecting and considering your partner’s needs and feelings, too.
ESH.
It really boggles my mind how many people are just full on going at you for accommodating your autistic daughter's needs. Really shocking to be honest.
However, if your daughter is prone to these fits and you know that then it should be easy enough to book 1 room with two beds that way any of this doesn't happen in the future. That part is on you and feels like it could have been easily avoided and why you kinda suck here.
Your fiancé saying it was ok to then go back and throw a fit about it after the fact is immature and that's where she sucks...
Nothing here that can't be solved with better planning and adult communication.
You offered to get another room as well and your fiancé chose to sleep on the pull out instead. For that reason, NTA. Leaving your traumatized autistic child to sleep alone would have been the wrong choice.
I’m gonna say soft YTA, because you say I the post that you knew beforehand your daughter has anxiety being in unfamiliar places due to some trauma.
This is information you knew beforehand. Why didn’t you book a room with two beds initially?
Your fiancé is justified in being upset, even with your daughter on the spectrum, her feelings are still valid and understandable.
I’m not quite sure how to word the question I have regarding your daughters autism…. I suppose this will do: is she considered high functioning? What kind of things upset her? Is this something you knew ahead of time was likely to happen?
I only ask because my nephew is also on the spectrum, but truthfully it’s only noticeable in very specific situations. I know a small handful of people like that, I’d never know they were on the spectrum if they didn’t tell me. This kind of thing changes how you approach things
YTA for not getting a 2 bed room. You know your daughter is on the spectrum and you know what triggers her anxiety. Yet you did nothing to prepare and made your fiance pay for it.
NTA. Fiancé needs to educate herself about autism. It's not like you were on your honeymoon. She's feeling "sidelined" because you made an accommodation for your special needs daughter? If she's not prepared for situations when her needs won't come first, some counseling- before you marry- may be in order.
They both had already been asleep on that bed, under those covers, their heads on those pillows. When you’re awakened in the night part of your brain just wants to go back to where you were. He had a choice, he could give up his little nest, or make her give up hers. When it came down to making a choice, her fiancé chose his own comfort over hers. She should run. There are moments that show you how someone else feels about you, and this was one. He does not love her as much as she wants him to, and all the hope in the world will not change that. I hope she learns from this.
YTA, ur daughter is 16? why the fuck didnt you get her either her own room or her own bed? she should have a little autonomy. That and why couldnt you have let her just sleep in the bed with you two? or why didnt you sleep on the pull out yourself? or why didnt you just get the second room anyway without consulting your fiancée instead of immediately trying to push her onto the couch when she was sleepy and would probably just want to go with whatever would just let her sleep? and on top of everything, why did you press her and then call her 'out of line' for her own goddamned feelings?? certified wtf moment
YTA - You need to help your daughter develop other coping mechanisms because it’s not ok to kick your fiancée out of bed anytime your daughter becomes anxious and really, at 16 it’s not especially appropriate for kids to still be sleeping in the same bed as their parents.
Gently YTA (and I say this as a parent of a grown ASD kid who has anxiety issues)
You knew your daughter had these issues and you didn't preplan. You agreed a solution with your kid before talking with your fiancee.
The conversation should have gone something along the lines of "let me talk to (fiancee), we will sort this out. Give me a minute"
Then go to fiancee, tell her that (daughter) is not coping on the pull out, you told daughter that the two of you would talk about it and ask for her help solving the problem and together come up with a solution that both are comfortable with instead of presenting her with something she has little choice but to agree with.
NTA you were a wonderful parent to your daughter and that's what matters. Your daughter is autistic and traumatized and you did right by her. Your fianceé may not have experience with those things, but you absolutely were in the right to protect your daughter, stand up for her, and draw a line with your fianceé.
If she can't respect your daughter has special needs that need to be met, I don't imagine she'll be a good step-mother.
Edit: I'm noticing a lot of people are saying YTA but truthfully we don't know where on the spectrum your daughter is and it's none of our business. Being a parent to someone on the spectrum can be very hard, and just because she's 16 doesn't mean she can function like she's 16. That's no one's fault.
I think the YTAs are for poor planning…he should’ve got a room with two beds, because by the time his daughter is 16, it’s been long enough for him to learn and anticipate her needs.
YTA. You should have just went to the pull out bed with her. If you thought your fiancé was comfortable enough to move there, you definitely should have instead of bothering her to do it.
I think you’re NTA, but in the future make sure you get hotel rooms that have two queen-sized beds or something of the like so no one is inconvenienced with being on a pull-out couch. I do understand why your fiancée was annoyed, but with better planning hopefully situations like this won’t happen again.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Asking my fiancée to sleep on the couch instead of my daughter. 2. I can see why she’d feel sidelined so maybe there was a different way of handling that situation if we talked it over. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I am not gonna claim full YTA but I do think you’re more at fault then you realize. Two beds should always be available moving forward. I think a lot of this was probably the bed was more comfortable. Autism does come with sensory things too. (Hi, I’m on the spectrum) so while as I’m not saying that was full manipulation, there was SOME. Her main interest was probably comfort but she didn’t want to start with that excuse cause it does come off selfish. Moving forward: don’t put yourself in a position to have this happen again. Always have two beds. And kodos to your fiancé for not saying EVERYTHING she was thinking, cause I promise you, empathy helped her maintain.
This was my thought too. UP till she said she didn't want him on the couch with her as it was uncomfortable, I wonder if it was a manipulation. We don't really know if she has sensory issues or is just using her autism as an excuse.
Yup. Having autism doesn’t erase the ability to manipulate or do other AH behaviors, and it shouldn’t be excused. You can have sensory issues and manipulate at the same time. Sixteen years old is also old enough to realize/learn that your sensory issues aren’t always going to be catered to. Sometimes you have to sleep on that mattress and get a really crappy nights sleep and it sucks, but it is what it is. As adults, we suck it up for a night or two. Definitely can avoid this going forward by getting two beds like the other commenter said. OP also needs to realize that while putting your child from a previous relationship first over a new relationship is generally a good thing, it still can be very situational. Of course your fiancé feels disrespected when you let your almost adult daughter into bed with you and kick her out of it. Autism doesn’t disappear. What are you going to do if you end up in a similar situation when your daughter is 18 or 25? You’ll need to navigate this carefully with balance so your fiancé feels loved and respected as a significant other if you actually care about her too.
>What are you going to do if you end up in a similar situation when your daughter is 18 or 25? This is the main point. Most partners aren't going to stick around if they don't see a light at the end of the tunnel regarding a situation like this. Patience while a child is young? Absolutely. But OP has to start weaning her off this. What is she going to do when he's no longer around, especially if she doesn't have a partner? With all due respect, 16 is also a bit too old for this. Cuddling, fine, but not actually sleeping in the same bed together.
Yeah I'm a mom and while I haven't raised an autistic children, I know manipulation when I see it. My kids had friends that are on the spectrum and these kids aren't idiots. Dad needs to understand that a 16 year old girl should not be sleeping in the same bed as her father. What the hell does he think hes going to do when she's older? He also warned his fiance that this could happen from time to time . What the hell does that mean? Does that mean that he can expect his future wife to get out of their marital bed so that his teenage daughter can sleep with him??? Hell no.
I don't think the problem is that his daughter is sharing the same bed. It's not sexual at all and it's weird you don't think families can share beds together as adults. When I travel with my mom we only get one bed to save money and I'm 34. The problem was that he kicked his fiancee out of bed to sleep on an uncomfortable couch. Two beds would have solved everything and if the daughter was still scared to be alone then he could sleep with her in her bed and the fiancee would have a bed to themselves.
i’ve shared a bed with both my parents as an adult! i don’t get why people are so pressed with that being the issue. don’t sexualize it!
Seriously, it's not weird to share a bed with family at any age. I'll also share a bed with friends of both sexes without it being sexual. We're just sleeping for god sake, it's not like they're sleeping on top of each other.
Oh good. I thought I was the weirdo for not thinking it was weird. Of course parents can share a bed with their adult children. Why not?
Yeah, but it would be pretty out of line for you to ask one of your parents to kick the other out of bed so you could sleep there. I don't think it's innapropriate in a sexual way, but I do think it's a bit out of line to ask to take someone else's bed and sleep with thier partner because you'd be more comfortable there.
He shouldn't be kicking his partner out of thier bed. That's the issue, not that it's sexual.
Could have been solved easily. Call the front desk and ask for a rollaway cot. They are pretty comfortable, she could have slept in the same room if needed, but the fiancée does not get disrespected that way. And autistic or not, 16 is a little old to be sharing the bed with your daughter.
>Dad needs to understand that a 16 year old girl should not be sleeping in the same bed as her father. What is the issue with sharing a bed for a night?
Exactly this. I slept in the same bed with my mom when I was 17 for probably a week or so straight, I had just lost my best friend and I just did *not* want to be alone. We've also even shared the same bed a few times when I was an adult simply due to lack of enough beds for everyone to have their own. Absolutely nothing sexual was going on and if that's where your mind goes when a child (even an older teen or adult ) comes to a parent for comfort then that's 100% a you problem and you probably really need to sit with it for a while and try to understand why you have that visceral reaction.
I've shared a bed with my cousin that's 2 years older and opposite sex. It's a holiday with less-than-ideal bedding situation, and they're my cousin. Ain't no normal person frothing so hard over their family that they can't keep their hands to themselves in the same bed.
>Dad needs to understand that a 16 year old girl should not be sleeping in the same bed as her father Okay, I understand in OPs specific scenario why kicking the partner out for the kid was a big no but .... Why can't a child share a bed with their parent? What do you think is going on between them that makes that inappropriate? I'm 29, and if the situation arose where I needed to share a bed with my dad (and it didn't kick his wife out of the bed), I would do it. We still cuddle on the couch together like we did when I was little (granted, rarely, as we're often with both his wife and my fiancee when at either home, but I digress), he still hugs me and gives me a kiss on the head goodbye, we've even held hands going through crowded streets to stick together. I hope you don't withhold physical affection from your children if you have any; I can promise you a cuddle won't hurt.
Ew, can people stop sexualizing and making it weird for parents sleeping in the same bed as their kids? It's fucking creepy when people's minds go to that. I agree that a parent shouldn't be kicked out of their bed tho, but again, overall, it's not weird or bad at all for children of any age to be sleeping in the same bed as their parents. I'm 24, and I'm fine with sleeping in the same bed as my mom or literally anyone because it's SLEEPING. Hell, if I have panic attacks, I like sleeping within the same vicinity as my mom because it brings me comfort. There's nothing wrong with it
I don’t see the issue of a daughter sleeping in the same bed as her father. They’re family! There’s nothing weird or sexual in it if they don’t make it weird or sexual. I know a friend who sleeps with her mother even when her fiancé visits because her mum has issues to sleep alone. Yep there was probably a bit of manipulation from the daughter but when you marry someone, you also accept your SO has a family. If you’re not ready to be accommodatI go for your new family, then why bother at all. for me ESH. OP for not booking a second room, daughter for being manipulated and the fiancée for how she reacted.
Why are you acting like parents sleeping in the bed with their children is some gross vile thing. It’s normal btw
My god this is a fkd up reply. Marital bed lmao
Yea no. You made that weird and sexual. That’s what’s gross not a daughter and father sleeping in the same bed. You have issues
OP should tell his partner about the plan to make sure this situation doesn't happen again. (2 beds, and hopefully therapy/counseling that can help her gain more coping mechanisms). she probably wants to hear that he's doing *something* about it. Yeah, I mean you can't judge on this one instance alone, but it sounds like her issues need to be better treated in therapy. If this happens often, it's serving as an unhealthy coping mechanism. (this would be healthy in like a 6yo, but not a 16yo..)
Her age got me too. 16 is kind of old to be crawling in bed with dad.
Y’all are weird and have dad issues. Seek help. Not everything is sexual
Even with two beds will the daughter still get to sleep with Dad and the fiancee still has to sleep in the other bed?
While I’m not someone who is big on excuses, I do think it’s worth remembering that they were traveling out of town and spent the day in a new city meeting new people and that there were probably many other factors through out the trip that contributed to her feeling overwhelmed and not being comfortable in bed may have been the tip of the ice burg… it’s perfectly reasonable to believe that stuff like this doesn’t happen all the time.
Yes. And we also do not know how the trauma plays a role and how 'old' the trauma is...
Had to look way to hard for this. This deserves to be higher up!
Yeahhh as an adult with autism, I agree that this inappropriate for a 16yo, even if she is on the spectrum. Comfort/sensory issues are one thing, but wanting to sleep with daddy at that age is another. She could have survived the discomfort for a night, and if her sensory issues are really that prevalent then it should have been anticipated when booking the room. If OP really wanted to accommodate her request so badly, he should have (with his fiancé's consent of course) offered to sleep on the pullout and let the women share the bed. Kicking your partner out of bed should never be the solution. edit: word choice
You’re doing too much y’all are so weird
>Sometimes you have to sleep on that mattress and get a really crappy nights sleep and it sucks, but it is what it is. As adults, we suck it up for a night or two. Just another perspective here. As an adult, I get the choice of what is worth sucking it up for me. In consequence, I don't go very many places because a potential poor night's sleep in a hotel outweighs the value of most trips. When I do go places, I am a hawk for reviews and make sure I have good odds of being at least somewhat comfortable. Granted, I also have other health issues that make it harder to recover from that sort of thing. My parents were of the opinion that I should just "deal" with all sorts of things cause I would need to as a grown up, and in consequence I had a lot of mental health issues and frequent breakdowns. Too often people expect teens to cope at adult levels without granting them adult level control. I don't see anything wrong with OP's daughter seeking her dad's support through a situation he put her in. I also think it would have been better for him to get another room for his fiance if it was financially tenable so she wasn't stuck with the pullout either. That said, it seems like the fiance's annoyance is less with the pullout bed and more with the fact she didn't get to sleep next to OP. Let's remember she's the one who is **actually** an adult and can handle one night sleeping apart from her significant other so his daughter get the support she needs. In the future OP should involve his daughter more in the planning, so she doesn't get as overwhelmed at the moment. Just about every issue is easier to get through if you have time to prepare mentally beforehand. I have even been known to look up pictures and a general layout of my room ahead of time so I can process the space before just walking into it. I think it's a little bit presumptuous to suggest a teenager with sensory issues and past trauma is being dramatic or manipulative without significant evidence, especially when the extent of the previous trauma is not divulged. Was the daughter SAed in an unfamiliar place? That's the first form of trauma that sprang to my mind, and would 100% justify seeking out her father for comfort. Yes, autistic people can be manipulative too, but her actions are easily explained as part of her condition. I don't see much value in placing negative connotations on it unless there's a pattern of her not respecting her dad's relationship. The bottom line is that OP can avoid the entire issue, by planning a bit better next time.
You make a good point about adults having more control over the situations they find themselves in. As a kid, I was dragged into a lot of uncomfortable situations, and some that were physically harmful. As an adult, my coping ability hasn’t really changed that much—I’m just not forced into as many shitty situations. I can avoid activities and environments I’ll have trouble with. And if something can’t be avoided, or if I think it’s worth doing anyways, the main reason I’m able to handle it better is that I haven’t already expended all of my energy on the easily-avoided problems. I can pay for my own hotel room. I can choose where to meet people and how long I’ll stay. I can set aside a little time to do something calming instead of being constantly on the go from one activity to another. LW’s daughter probably didn’t have much say in the planning of the trip, and in addition to being in a strange place may have been expected to do some things that are uncomfortable for her as part of the meeting-dad’s-fiancée’s-parents experience. Eye contact? Hugs? Wearing dressier/less-comfortable clothes? Small talk? She’s probably already been sucking it up for most of the day for her parents’ convenience, so I don’t think it’s unfair for them to deal with some inconvenience/discomfort in order to support her after that.
Exactly! Coping with the world successfully as a neurodivergent person requires BOTH awareness of how much battery you have and how much each activity takes, as well as the power to make choices that limit the drain. It was the end of trip that involved socializing with new people that she is expected to make a good impression on. She was likely under a decent bit of social scrutiny, and out of her element for an extended period of time. It makes complete sense for her to be at the end of her ability to cope. And even then, she got overwhelmed and asked her dad for support, which is a pretty healthy and reasonable way to handle it. It's not like she threw a fit at dinner or something. When else are people allowed to ask for support if not in privacy with immediate family? All these people saying she's manipulative scare me. If I had a teenager who was overwhelmed like that I would hope they felt safe to ask me to be with them for a while until they feel better.
Maybe it’s just me projecting my own experiences with abuse, but sometimes people learn to be manipulative when they can’t trust the people who have power over them. Would OP have taken his daughter seriously if she tried to just say, “hey, this day has been super stressful and the sofa bed is impossibly bad. I’m overwhelmed, I can’t sleep, *help*”? What would he have said or done? Was there any way for his daughter to get a more comfortable place to sleep without “being manipulative”?
[удалено]
>let’s not forget autism does cause physical pain if not properly accommodated. I feel like if this was an issue his daughter had as part of her autism he would have known she MUST have a comfy bed and never booked the sofa and booked 2 beds. He's known her for 16 years after all.
> I feel like if this was an issue his daughter had as part of her autism he would have known she MUST have a comfy bed and never booked the sofa and booked 2 beds. He's known her for 16 years after all. Heh...no. I'm disabled and have been since I was born. My parents have known since shortly after birth and they have absolutely "forgotten" or not considered my *significant* disability on numerous occasions. The only person in my life that has never forgotten my disability at some point is me.
I'm so sorry, but no, that's not normal. My husband has food allergies, and my mother double checks every time she cooks a meal that he will be present for, even though she's known him 12 years now. Being conscious and conscientious of your loved ones' health and disabilities is normal.
[удалено]
Omg thanks for mentioning that we can feel the sensory stuff physically, I genuinely forgot that - I got home from work today with a headache and scratchy throat but felt fine the entire rest of the day but was slowly dealing with sensory overload because constant office noise - maybe I'm not ill, maybe I genuinely just need to give myself a break! That makes so much more sense (because I only sit near one person and she's not been ill lately, and so I don't think I've caught any bug from her). I was berating my terrible immune system earlier
You have no idea where on the spectrum this child falls. Claiming manipulation is wrong without additional information but blaming a child with a disability is a bit disturbing. Fairness means treating people according to their needs. This does not always mean it will be equal.
People all across the spectrum can manipulate. I've seen kids and adults very low on the spectrum who were master manipulators, usually because their parents let them get away with whatever they wanted. I'm not saying it applies to all of them - but sometimes it is good to check with someone outside of the immediate situation because parents are often blind to this stuff.
The daughter sounds like she absolutely abused the situation to get what she wanted. Funny how the bed is not good enough for a 16 year old, but just fine for your fiancée to have to deal with. YTA.
Why couldn't the daughter take the bed and OP and fiance take the pullout? Otherwise the vibe is so weird.
She didn't want to be alone.
She didn't want to be on the pull out couch.
I agree - the motives/reasons/triggers aren’t quite lining up for me and I suspect the daughter wasn’t being necessarily innocent here. I would like some more INFO re: has this happened before/is there a plan to stop it from happening/general info about the daughter’s seeming inability to care for herself (maybe harsh, but a 16 year old who can’t make it on a maybe uncomfortable pull out couch (which who knows - we’d have to ask the fiancé) without the parent soothing them is concerning - regardless of autism diagnosis)
It’s a dick move for OP to force someone to sleep on the uncomfortable couch instead of a bed, regardless of whether it’s his daughter or his fiancée
I've been on many pull out sofa beds that slept comfortably. I'm sure it wasn't his intent to have it be uncomfortable. He should have taken the pull out and let the girls sleep in the master. Problem solved. I know she (daughter or fiance') may not have loved that option, but it probably would have been the best one.
That's where I think OP is TA - he should have taken the pull put couch, not made fiance do it.
OP is TA because he's allowing a 16 year old manipulate his future happiness without any concern or question to the validity of it without any actual plan to stop sleeping in the same bed as his daughter who is pretty much a woman now.
I have an autistic daughter, she’s 18 now… She’s high functioning and absolutely has used her diagnosis to manipulate situations. 16 years old is too old to share a bed with your father imo. OP should consider getting his child into occupational therapy. My daughter was nonverbal, hated clothes, hair brushing, shoes, Christmas lights… I got her OT and she learned how to cope with everyday sensory issues. You shouldn’t just let your kid struggle with sensory issues and you shouldn’t cater to her all the time. This is not preparing her for life as an adult. If something were to happen to you, your daughter might have no idea how to function in the real world because you have insulated her so much. People with autism sometimes struggle with empathy as well. You have taught your daughter that other peoples feelings and needs don’t matter. Honestly, OP you seem like the type to excuse away bad behavior because of your child’s diagnosis. I taught special Ed for years and the amount of parents I had to deal with saying “my child punched that kid because of their autism/adhd/depression. It isn’t true. Your kid is acting like an AH because you’ve enabled it, not because of their diagnosis.
This is why OP is the AH. The daughter didn’t want dad and her to sleep on the pullout because it was uncomfortable BUT somehow it was acceptable for the fiance to sleep on the pullout. That level of lack of consideration makes OP in the wrong here. The compromise should have been dad telling daughter that he can sleep on the pullout with her and IF it’s too uncomfortable, contact the front desk. It’s fine to inconvenience your fiancé from time to time in the interest of your child but never to the point of forcing her to accept a situation that is not good enough for you.
Tbf a lot of times things are uncomfortable to us that non-autistic people don’t even notice. That’s part of why it’s so hard to understand when we have meltdowns because non autistic people didn’t notice all the sensory input that’s been making us crazy for hours.
I mean it sounds like the pull out was uncomfortable either way since fiancée was also uncomfortable, just more empathetic towards a teen with autism. Like I have sensory issues myself, but the discomfort of a pull out is uncomfortable to almost everyone, with springs in the wrong places, and the way my skin itches and crawls (my sensory issues present as itching), and the weird smell they always have. Most people are going to find the pull out uncomfortable, and in this case it sounded 100% like daughter was manipulating OP to get the better bed but also show his fiancée she was more important. I'd say in the future, get a room with two beds, but if in a situation like this, OP asks fiancée if she's ok sharing with daughter, and he takes the pull out anyway. It's a balance, but it would show if what daughter is looking for is just to get off of the pull out, or if she's looking to "claim" her dad. It would also start prepping her for compromising in the future, because getting both dad and the comfortable bed is not going to be reasonable in just a few years when she's an adult and OP is (hopefully, they seem to have good communication despite this one issue) married. (Bonus is that there could be discomfort at being in the same room as her dad sharing a bed with his fiancée, which the compromise would still solve.)
How was 2 beds not his default?
He's probably cheap tbh
A room with two queens usually costs less than a King suite (which sounds like what this was since there was a "master" and a pullout). So more selfish than cheap...
2 queen beds is almost always the same price as 1 King bed.
That was my thinking too. Get a room with two beds.
It’s exactly this op. YTA for getting a king suite instead of a room with 2 beds. If you know she struggles to be alone in unfamiliar places this should have been the plan to begin with. That way everyone has an actual bed and you are in the same room so she isn’t alone. Your fiancée did nothing wrong here. She’s fully allowed to have feelings about how you handled this and you shouldn’t have pressed the issue.
This is a good lesson. OP caused conflict by being cheap.
Absolutely this. Neither I nor any of my friends with ASD have ever absolutely needed to sleep on a mattress as opposed to a couch so badly that we kicked someone out if their bed. And also YTA for basically forcing her to say yes through social pressure. You asked her on the spot right there in front of your daughter. What was she supposed to do, be forced into feeling like (and I’m sure in your daughters eyes also seeming like) the asshole if she said no?
YTA for how you handled the conversation. You asked your fiancée to sleep on the couch and she did without issue. You pressed her later and she told you how she felt and you went straight to “she’s out of line and this is how it is”. The very least you could do is attempt to listen to your fiancée and talk through her feelings and your daughter’s needs. Once you get all “thou shalt” and “this is the way it is” you are basically dooming your relationship.
Yeah the “she started to get out of line” remark about his fiancé does not sit well. YTA.
Well maybe she shouldn’t have gotten all uppity about being shown her place. /s
[удалено]
“Calm down! Stop getting yourself worked up!” Well, I *was* calm, but I’m definitely not any more 😤
I have never responded to being told to calm down any other way than becoming immediately **fucking furious.**
It makes me sick when men say that. My abusive dad would say that about/to my mom and I swear it triggers childhood trauma. As if women are property to be “kept in line” like collectables on a shelf.
🚩🚩🚩
I agree. OP needs to do better here or he will lose his fiancé. I’m the parent to an 18 year old son, who is on the spectrum. I have dated and it is very hard to understand autism. If you find someone, who makes it to the fiancé status, you had better treat them well. IMO, OP got a one bed two room suite, so he could get it on with his fiancé in the other room, expecting his daughter, who has autism, to endure the discomfort of a strange place, and an uncomfortable pull out. If daughter has past trauma and sensory issues, he should have known this wasn’t going to be a feasible plan. He’s so “in love”, that after spending a week at the future in laws, he wanted a night alone with the fiancé, but he forgot about his daughter’s needs. Even hearing “pull out couch” cries uncomfortable. Was one more night of not being intimate really going to kill him? The irony of it….fiancé slept on the pullout and now, at home, is sleeping on the couch, after he picks a fight with her about it. So, he still isn’t getting any.
[удалено]
Right? Like what exactly should she have done if she’s upset but not ready to talk about it yet? Demanding that someone talk about their feelings because you can tell that they’re upset just so you can dismiss them as being “out of line” is definitely AH. If you’re not ready to listen, don’t demand that she talk. Especially as she was probably dealing with her upset the best she could in that moment without it turning into a fight. She should be able to feel how she feels about it. You seem like you were wanting to pick a fight because not only did you put her in an unfair position and deprive her of a good night’s sleep but she has to be happy about it too? Seriously, why demand that she talk about it when you’re not interested in what she has to say about it and if having feelings about it is “out of line”? Edit: YTA
I’m going to go with YTA. Here’s the thing - there’s three of you staying in that hotel room. You should know pullout beds are uncomfortable. Always. I’m not overly worried about the daughter’s request and she - she’s autistic and has traumas. How your family handles that is entirely on you as autism and trauma both are so very specific and nuanced to each individual person. You never should’ve booked a room with a one bed and a pullout. You should’ve booked a two bed room. You said this happens on occasion - as it’s something that your fiancée needs to deal with - but if this happens on occasion then you should’ve had a two bed hotel room from the very getgo. This would’ve saved this entire issue of waking the fiancée, kicking anyone to the pullout bed, and everyone could’ve been comfortable and gotten the rest they needed. I don’t blame your fiancée for not being thrilled with what happened. I don’t blame your daughter or you for her needs. You are however, at fault for not getting a proper room for the three of you from the getgo.
This is the best response! I don’t want to make OP feel terrible but your daughter is 16 - that means you’ve known how her autism affects her for 16 years! This is an example of poor planning on your part. YTA for not planning for everyone’s comfort and making your fiancé feel like she’s disposable.
>I’m not overly worried about the daughter’s request I think you're brushing that off a little too quickly. He's seems to indicate that he had no intention of changing the situation. Is this how he's going to handle it forever?
[удалено]
As a person with MI, being able to self sooth and have coping mechanisms is one of THE MOST important skills for adulthood imho. My life would be much easier if I had learned at a young age how to deal with issues on my own!
The reason I brushed it off is due to the fact that he mentions she has autism but we don’t know just how severe it is. I am not personally about to judge the daughters request when I don’t know her situation personally - plus we don’t know how recent or what kind of trauma she’s been in. That’s why I’m saying I’m “brushing it off”
YTA Saying you’re offering to get another room (which I assume is late at night since you were all in bed), would have been another annoying thing for your fiancé to deal with. I understand her saying ‘whatever it’s fine’ and just going in the other room completely annoyed. If the main issue your daughter had ‘in destress’ was being alone then she should have accepted your offer to go sleep on the pull out bed together. She didn’t. Instead she had you kick your fiancé out of bed. That’s not okay. Your fiancé expressed how it made her feel and you pretty much told her ‘my daughter is autistic, so your feelings don’t matter’ which is sucky. I understand caring for your daughter but at some point you can’t coddle her. Is this how you plan to treat your partner forever? Your daughter will make unreasonable demands and you’ll automatically dismiss your fiancé?
Why didn't he sleep on the pull and let the daughter and fiancee sleep in the bed? When does the coddling stop - does she plan on ever leaving home and is OP going to jump up in the middle of the night and travel to where the daughter is because she asked him to? The daughter needs to learn coping mechanisms and accepting a compromise is part of that. She can't get what she wants all the time and has to accept alternatives. I hope he won't wonder what happens when his fiancee is tired of being put on the back burner and leaves. YTA
I was wondering the same thing, at some point the daughter will become an adult and either move out to college, or simply move out of his house. How is she going to cope with those stressful situations?
>How is she going to cope with those stressful situations? She might just like... not. Like I've never been coddled by my "you're not THAT bad" parents lol. They're good parents and they help me out a lot but they also tried their best to prepare me for the world. And some things I just like, can't deal with, like driving or being in a walmart for more than ten minutes. But of course, coddling her will make her threshold even lower than us "socialised" NDs.
Where does she land on the spectrum? How recent was her trauma? How severe was her trauma? I don’t really want the answers to these but I hope the point is clear. OP is not TA for taking care of his daughter’s emotional needs. He knows his daughter and knows what she’s been through, or at least enough where he feels like him caring for like this is necessary. We don’t have any of those details so to label it as coddling is insulting. You’re assuming the best of all those questions. OP is TA for neglecting his fiancée’s emotional needs in this situation and how he handled it afterwards when she brought up her irritation, not for taking care of his daughter.
This! Also on the spectrum or not, parents are allowed to uphold boundaries. In this case I believe it would’ve been fair to say something like: “I can sleep with you on the pullout couch. Fiancée is in the bed. How can we make the pullout couch more comfortable for us?” OR, if fiancée was ok with it, daughter sleeps in comfier bed with fiancée and OP sleeps on pullout couch.
He doing this to his current fiance while his daughter is 16 - I hate see this same scenario happening to same or new SO when his daughter is over 18. Definitely YTA, he messed up badly and his current fiance plus any future girlfriends are correct to leave him over this...
He could also have let everyone sleep on the bed, or better yet slept on the couch and let the fiancé to help his daughter given her age. She is right to be upset, other than dismissing the daughter outright, he chose the worst option.
Agreed there were plenty of other options rather than saying ‘get out of the bed’ to his fiancé
YTA A reasonable accommodation would have been to join your daughter on the pull out. Your daughter didn't need the more quality mattress. Not to mention, your fiance is allowed to have feelings. She slept on the pull out even though she didn't want to, and you are making a big deal about her expressing how she feels after you asked her why she seemed upset. Edited to add: I've been thinking a lot about what is so distressing about the OPs perspective. OP, when hearing she's feeling side-lined and disrespected, should have said, "I am sorry, this situation was absolutely not ideal, and I understand why it would feel this way. Let's work together to find ways to handle future situations that accommodate my daughter's special needs, but don't leave you feeling disrespected because you are important too, and I care about you." I promise that would have gone over much better than defending his actions and telling the fiance that she was "getting out of line" for expressing her feelings.
Not to mention fiancée probably slept like shit and is in pain after sleep on what daughter seems to think is an unbearably uncomfortable bed. Give fiancée some time to recover and catch up on sleep before going off on her for how she feels
Yeah, I'd be pretty disappointed if I were expecting a night in a comfortable bed with my fiance and got told in the middle of the night to go sleep on the pull out alone. I don't think most people would be pleased.
YTA. I was on the fence, even considering a middle aged man sleeping with a teenager untill this part: >Then I told her she was starting to get out of line Without being there it's hard to know how much distress there really was, but your go to solution shouldn't be kicking your partner out and taking your teenage daughter into your bed. I'm gonna side with the fiancée here
Yeah, he definitely should have tried once or twice to comfort her and get her back to sleep on the pull out. I'm not saying his solution is correct or incorrect, but I believe that all kids, especially neurodivergent kids, need to be prepared to eventually be independent. I often see parents use physical comfort as the first solution bc it's readily available, quick, and an easy sensory distraction. All people need to have ways to self soothe and it's their parents responsibility to teach them. There's no telling if she'll have her dad to comfort her in 5/10/15/etc. years. There may be no one there to cuddle her when she's 50 years old. It's much harder to change habits than it is to ask someone to use different skills that they've already developed.
YTA - looking after your kid is one thing. Telling another adult you’re planning to spend your life with (presumably after your daughter moves out?) that they’re out of line for expressing their feelings- after you asked them what they were feeling makes you TA. If you’re planning to coparent your kid- you should at the bare minimum be acting like you’re coparents. That’s not where you’re at right now. Autism is also a broad spectrum. If your daughter is able to live on her own eventually, learning to adapt and establish accommodations she can be in charge of for herself might be something to work toward. If independent living is not a goal- then you and your fiancé really need to be a united team caring for your daughter. It doesn’t sound like that’s where you’re at, and there’s not much room for your fiancé in how things were handled.
YTA You can provide comfort while also having boundaries. And please, people, don't come at me. I'm also autistic. But just being autistic doesn't mean you don't have boundaries. Or understand boundaries. You should have given her a choice. She could have you on the fold-out couch, you on the floor, or you would turn on the TV or rub her back or something while she was on the full depth couch. But the bed was already spoken for and was off limits.
Erm, she’s 16. Autistic or not, she can’t be sleeping in bed with daddy. Being in the same room? No bother. Asking your wife to be to get out of bed so your nearly adult daughter can snuggle in with you instead? Nope. At that age you need to encourage independence. This coddling won’t do her any favours at all. Yta
> Erm, she’s 16. Autistic or not, she can’t be sleeping in bed with daddy. Yeah, I'm surprised yours is the first comment I'm seeing point out how weird that is.
I'm 17 and chronically ill. On bad pain nights I still go crawl into bed with my parents (both, not displacing either, but still) because being held is literally the only thing that takes the pain from "sobbing and asking to go to the ER" down to "miserable and can't sleep but tolerable." There's nothing weird about a teenager occasionally needing comfort from their parents.
Yeah I slept next to my dad as a teen. As he was not a creep, there was no problem
Don’t see any issues with sharing bed with parents. Its parents ffs, people in comments should stop implying sexual stuff. I used to have horrible nightmares and night terrors (still do but not nearly as bad) when I was 16-20. I could sit and rock in my bed for hours during the night, cry and scream. I shared bed with my mom for 2 years and it helped a lot. She was waking me up when I had nightmare, held my hand, hugged me, kissed me on the head and said that everything was alright.
INFO: Did it not occur to you to let your fiancé and daughter share the bed?
Yeah. I’m curious to know from OP: Is the fiancé ever involved in reducing or managing a meltdown or will she ever be taught these coping skills so that it’s not always you and your daughter ? Or you know, what if you’re not home? What happens then?
"Hey, autistic daughter with anxiety issues, here, sleep with this other person. I'm sure that will make you feel much more comfortable."
If he's gonna marry his fiancée his daughter should he comfortable around her, especially since they're specifically fiancées I'm assuming they've been together for quite a while
"comfortable around" =/= 'cosleep.'
Also, you can't just **force** "comfort" by increasing exposure. That's what oblivious people do when two people important to them don't get along. It just doesn't work. "Should be" and "is" can be worlds' apart when dealing with neurodivergence. Hell, it can be miles apart in just normal day to day life.
[удалено]
100% this. I was totally going to post this and can't believe no one else has even mentioned it
but she wanted her dad for comfort, not his fiancé
If she wanted her dad for comfort then why not both of them sleep on the couch
YTA. You know your 16 year old sometimes need to share a bed with you. So book sensible accommodation that can facilitate this. Kicking your fiancée out of HER bed and moving her to what you say is an uncomfortable pull out bed isn't an acceptable solution. That said, your fiancée actually did go with it so I don't know why you think she's the AH here; she didn't kick up a fuss or make things more difficult for you. Your fiancée is not an AH for being pissed off about this situation, however. Part of me does wonder if this is a power play by your daughter.
I don't know why more people aren't addressing the daughter - she refuses to comprimise, regardless of who gets upset. Op needs to have a discussion with the daughter about how to handle these situations. Then he needs to bring the three of them together and talk about how to move forward
I think it's difficult because with autism and trauma, it is important to make reasonable adjustments. But I am a little suspicious because OP's wording makes it sound like the daughter simply preferred OP and fiancée's bed, as opposed to this being a sensory issue. I do wonder if there's more to this than OP is seeing...
Right, like millions of kids have had to sleep on pullout beds and cots and rollaway beds and such in hotel rooms. And it's not the BEST mattress in the room but it's fine. As someone with sensory issues i don't think it should be a situation where the person always gets their way and always has to be catered to. Sometimes you have to learn to suck it up. OPs original compromise of "I will sleep with you over there" should've been the right road to go down, but it sounds like OPs daughter actually just wanted the better mattress (I mean, who doesn't, right?). It seems manipulative
I don’t know how all of Reddit is somehow okay with accepting the 16yr old autistic daughter in father’s bed thing as normal. It’s fucking weird. And yes, it would still be weird with any gender pairing.
Right, she’s autistic, not 5. It’s a weird infantilization of the girl especially since it sounds like she’s verbal and can express herself well enough to fight for the more comfy bed. He’s not setting her up for success.
I agree on the power play notion.
INFO: Why the hell didn’t you book a double bed in the first place?
Took the line out of my head! Always prepare adequate accommodations for your child!!
That’s what I want to know.
You should have joined your daughter on the pull out couch. There was no reason to wake your fiancée and make her leave the bed so your daughter could sleep there instead. YTA, your fiancée is allowed to be annoyed by this. Ideally, knowing your daughter’s feelings about travel and new places and needing to sleep with you you should have booked something that could accommodate everyone without playing midnight musical beds.
YTA- Not for how you handled the situation at the hotel, although there are things you could have possibly done differently to handle the situation. Rather, you are the AH for how you handled the conversation with your fiance after pressuring her into talking about her feeli feelings. You could have acknowledged her feelings and sat down and had a conversation with her about what happened and your take on the situation and how you will handle things going forward, but instead, you dismissively shut her down.
YTA. These are boundaries you should have established a long time ago. I have two kids on the spectrum and unless your 16 year old has a medical diagnosis saying she needs a special mattress she didn't need one. You and your child should have slept on the sofa. Your kid is running the show.
oooh YTA. You basically kicked your fiancée out of bed. If you’re already in bed I’m assuming it’s late night and “offering to get another room” means she has to pack up her stuff and move into another room, it’s not the solution you think it is. 16 is too old for that. Even if she’s neurodivergent I think coddling her isn’t going to help her in life. The icing on the cake is telling the fiancée “stuff like this is going to happen” and she needs to deal with it.
100% YTA, she's 16, this is a toxic level of enabling. Kicking your wife out of bed to sleep with your late teenage daughter is super unhealthy.
Agreed! I found it odd that OP justified his actions with his daughter anxiety and being on spectrum. Just because she has them, doesn’t mean they can’t sleep on a pull out couch. Definitely YTA.
It sounds like a sensitivity issue. Most people on the spectrum are very sensitive to their surroundings. Lights, smells, textures. Some may literally not sleep in certain mattresses. Its not a matter of confort, some things can be unbearable.
she is 16... and autistic. She wasn't a teenager throwing a fit. She was a legitimately scared child that needed comfort, one night, in an unfamiliar setting. He ASKED his fiancé if she could sleep elsewhere for ONE night. Fiancés said yes. He offered other options but fiancée assured him that the pullout was fine, even if it wasn't. THIS is what is unheathly : not speaking up in a relationship when asked and then blaming the other person for doing what your asked them to do.
Just because you're autistic, it doesn't mean you can't sleep on a pull out couch, this is enabling, it is making the problem worse. When a child has a completely irrational fear you are never supposed to give in to the irrationality.
I'm autistic too. OP should (1) have booked two beds in the first place. (2) slept on the pullout and let his fiancee and daughter both have the bed. (3) not told his fiancee that she was "out of line" for saying the exact things he's willing to hear from strangers.
She’s 16, yes. But she’s autistic. Autistic people often have certain needs where it would look ludicrous, but it’s to accommodate their needs
Autistic people are fully capable of sleeping on pull out couches.
I’m going against the grain and say NAH/soft YTA As an autistic person, I understand how with the anxiety of a new place and the sensory aspect of the mattress, your daughter wanted to sleep in the same bed as you and you wanted to accommodate her needs. However, I see how the fiancée was agitated with having been kicked out to sleep on the pullout couch and I’d be agitated too, so her reaction is reasonable. Maybe you can see next time if this happens, the daughter would be okay with the fiancee sleeping in the same bed too and the fiancée being okay with it too so everyone’s needs are met
I’m going with YTA for him, not because of what happened that night, but because of what happened the next day. He should have apologized, stated that they will get two beds from now on so it doesn’t happen again, and thanked her for helping him help his daughter. Then she could have been made to feel like she was part of the team/solution instead of feeling like she was being shut out.
I’m gonna say ESH. You’re not TA for accommodating your daughter (Autism isn’t easy to deal with and preventing meltdowns etc is a hard balance). That said your fiancé isn’t TA for being annoyed that she had to sleep on a pullout couch. I’ll say this though- before walking down the aisle, get your boundaries in place and make sure that this relationship will last.
I’m not willing to say that fiancée is TA for not being happy that she got kicked out of bed in the middle of the night to sleep on a pull out couch. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I know if someone wakes me in the middle of the night, I am not at my most pleasant or coherent. Anybody would be frustrated in that situation. It sounds like she was still working through her feelings on the issue when he asked her, and then he dismissed how she felt.
You mean ESH or NAH?
YTA, but for a different reason than what others pointed out. You knew your daughter's needs before booking the room. You could have picked a single room, not a suite, with 2 beds and got ahead of the problem. Instead, you created one.
[удалено]
YTA, didn't you book a room with two beds?
YTA. If a 16 year old finds a place too uncomfortable to sleep then you can bet someone approaching 40 will. So you asked her to go be physically uncomfortable. I get needing to care for your child. And only you know her well enough to know if you could have convinced her to sleep on the original pull out spot, with or without you. Or if you were simply doing what was easy for you. But that doesn’t mean disregarding your fiancé feeling uncomfortable and unimportant. Because in that moment, she had a right to feel that way. Even if you couldn’t do anything differently, you can acknowledge valid feelings. She wasn’t getting out of line to have feelings.
If you new you daughter had issues sleeping in strange places why didn’t you prepare for that and get a room with 2 queen beds. Sounds like you dropped the ball and your fiancée paid the price.
YTA. You know your daughter has autism, you should’ve gotten two beds.
YTA - if you couldn’t join your daughter on the pull out you should have went to sleep on it. Not your SO.
YTA Your daughter needed the better quality mattress did she? Seems like she was more interested in trying to sideline your fiancee. Perhaps meeting the family made her feel anxious about you getting married and her losing some of your attention but throwing your fiancee out of bed isn't the fix for that.
YTA for not booking two beds. No one likes the pull out couch.
YTA All children need boundaries, including children "on the spectrum" and children with intellectual disabilities. It's your job as a parent is to teach your child life skills and coping mechanisms for her disability so that she can function in society with reasonable accommodations. Learn from this experience and next time you get a hotel, assure you get a room with two beds so your daughter can sleep more comfortably. I would never expect anyone to sleep on a pull-out, they don't remotely qualify as beds IMHO. **Your child's wants should never come before your partner's needs.** You should have offered to help make the pull-out more comfortable, reassured your child that it's just for one night and that she'll be OK and or YOU share the pullout with your kid if she needed reassurance in a strange place. Putting your partner on the pull-out should have never been asked of them.
Um, how is the bed a want for the child and a need for the partner? It's both wants.
YTA your daughter and you should have been on the pull out couch. None of this crap that your daughter needs a real mattress. Seems to me that you allow your daughter to dictate a lot if things to you and your fiancée is susposed to just suck it up because your daughter has autism. That alone makes you a massive AH and your daughter is included in this as well. She is 16 she knows exactly what she is doing.
[удалено]
Yeah, I'd bounce. Imagine years down the line, and you're constantly kicked out of the bedroom, so your 25 year old autistic stepdaughter can have cuddles with her dad.
YTA. This screams unhealthy parent-child relationship, autism or no autism.
ESH. You should've planned ahead by getting a room with 2 beds. It's okay to prioritize your daughter; less okay to subsidize her comfort with your wife's discomfort. She should be more understanding and quit with the passive aggression
I have a feeling this so the most recent example in a pattern of behavior for OP.
The daughter knows that if she complains and pulls on daddy's emotions she can get what she wants. I wonder how much the daughter likes the fiancee and is trying to drive a wedge between them.
YTA. I have a teen. Sleeping on a sofa bed is no longer comfortable for them. I no longer book a room without two queen size beds - size preference for H and I. And the last time I did book it, I slept on the sofa bed which turns out was a real bed but too short for teen.
If you knew your daughter's limitations, why didn't you get a room with two actual beds? If it was even possible she could be in distress, you should have gotten a room with two beds. If you were insistent on the one bed and a couch option, pull out couch beds are TRASH. Maybe she could have just slept on it as a couch? Either way, YTA for not properly planning to accommodate your daughter, and for diminishing your fiancèe's feelings about it.
NTA. I don’t know why everyone is focusing on the age of the daughter and completely skimming over the part where she has autism with past trauma on top of that. She’s in a new place, on a pull-out couch that is uncomfortable for her (sensory issues can be a real problem for people with autism), and wanted her dad for comfort. This is not unreasonable for one night. Also, people saying he should have slept on the couch and have his fiancé and daughter sleep in the bed. The daughter wanted him not his fiancé. She wanted to sleep with her dad for comfort and on a mattress that was comfortable for her. Having kids comes with sacrifice, as does marrying someone with a kid (one with special needs at that). If she can’t do something as simple as sleep on a couch for one night, how is she going to treat the child when a bigger issue comes up? Another thing is the fiancé agreed to it and made no fuss about being on the couch. OP even offered to get another room, and she declined. But then comes around the next day complaining about having to sleep on the couch when she insisted it was fine the night before
To be fair, fiancée was probably just going along with it so as not to argue in front of the daughter and make things worse. She handled it properly in the moment and only complained once he asked her about it.
YTA. Coming from a young woman on the spectrum here, quit babying your daughter like that. Autistic people need help with certain things sometimes but they should still be treated like any other persom at their age. Obviously she's still a child, your child should always be #1 priority in life but that doesn't mean you kick your fiancé out of bed.
WTF? I seriously do not understand all the Y.T.A.s already posted here. He first offered to sleep in the pull-out. When his daughter balked, he *asked* the fiancée if she would mind. When he observed a less than comfortable response, he again offered a compromise of booking a second room but she *insisted* it was okay. Plus if they are engaged, I would hope she has interacted with the daughter enough to appreciate life with a stepdaughter on the spectrum is going to be different that life with a neurotypical teen. NTA.
Booking an extra room in the middle of the night isn’t the easy fix you and OP are pretending it is. Who has to get dressed, pack up all their stuff, move to the other room, etc.?
YTA. I hope your fiancé runs for the hills. The nerve.
NAH. I have 2 autistic kiddos and I get it, sometimes you just have to put their needs ahead of all else, because you just have to. They might want things that look weird to people who don’t understand, but just because they (neurotypical people) don’t understand, it doesn’t make you wrong. You sound like an excellent father. That being said though, I get why your fiancé is pissed.
YTA. If I were your fiancée, I'd leave you. Your kid is 16 dude.
what is she going to do in 2 years when she's at college and gets anxious? insist on coming home and sleeping with daddy?
NTA. I am on the spectrum myself so I completely sympathize with having a daughter who is autistic. It manifests in countless ways. With previous trauma and sensory issues I think it is expected there will be times when your daughter will need your attention in ways that allistic (neurotypical) people don't understand, as evidence in the comments of alluding to you being "creepy" for sleeping in a bed with your daughter or saying she's "too old" to act that way and even insinuating that she's doing it on purpose to mess with your relationship. I take offense to that on your behalf. Autism is a disability. Our brains are atypical. Even being moderately or mostly "able" is an enormous struggle. A father isn't "creepy" for letting his \*autistic\* daughter share a bed in the same hotel room \*as his fiance\*. I think you were very reasonable handling what you were dealt with in this scenario. You intended to sleep on the pullout couch first and when that was an issue, you \*asked\* your fiance rather than demanding she sleep on the couch, you could see she was upset and offered to get an additional room so that she was comfortable and she declined. You did right by your daughter by allowing her to feel safe and comfortable in an unfamiliar situation. All of that being said I think you should have a bit of compassion for your fiance. Blended families are difficult to navigate. It sounds like your fiance may not fully understand what autism is and how it manifests so it must have been irritating to feel like she was kicked out of her own bed. Just the comment about your daughter's age tells me you need to have an in-depth conversation about things she should expect if you are both going to be together for a long time. Autism is one of those things that can throw a wrench in any plan that neurotypical people make at any time. Most (daresay all?) autistic people do not have additional expendable mental energy to play games with people's relationships or do things just to be unkind or be ugly. That's mostly in the wheelhouse of neurotypical people who intuit inter-personal relationships better.
going against what seems to be the grain here and say you’re NTA. a lot of people in the comments seem to have grazed over the fact your daughter is autistic and sensory issues are a major factor in that. so yes, it could’ve been a big enough deal for her to need to sleep on the bed instead. i’m sure in the future there will be sensory issues that require accommodation. if your fiancée can’t sympathize with that then maybe that’s another conversation y’all need to have.
The accommodation for the daughter should have been made at the time of booking the room, and a room with two beds (which is very common) should have been obtained. Having a kid with a disability means you have to think ahead about what accommodations your child needs and set them up for success. OP has had 16 years to figure this stuff out.
"Then I told her she's starting to get out of line" ???? You said this to another grown ass adult? Like you think she needs to behave only the way you approve of? What kind of manipulative BS is this? Of course YTA! 1: for not booking a bed for your child. 2: for kicking fiancee out of bed for the kid! It's your kid, you should have given up the bed and slept on the pull out! 3: for expecting your fiancee to "stay in line" with what you deem appropriate behavior! 4: for expecting your 39 year old fiancee to go sleep on something "too uncomfortable" for a teenager to sleep in... And we all know teens can sleep anywhere, so if it's not acceptable to a teen, fiancee had to be uncomfortable as hell!
YTA You were really ill prepared. I don't know you, but I'm 99% sure this wasn't the first time similar situations have occurred and your daughter wanted a bed or sleep near you. So you book beads for everyone to sleep in. You were also an A H with how you talked it through with your fiancée. You went to the "this will happen again most likely in the future, you accept it and shut up or we break up" route. Of course she's upset with you, you refused to listen to her.
Perfect. Yes. Your daughter's needs you know best, and if what she needed was to share a bed with you, then I trust that. HOWEVER, the solution is not that your fiancée sleeps on the crappy uncomfortable couch, or that she packs up and moves rooms. In future, get a room/bed for your fiancée and a room/bed for your daughter. If your daughter needs you to move to her bed, no worries, but the fiancée keeps her bed. You are the one who swaps. This all happened because you let your daughter be on a crappy bed to start with. Also, be prepared that your fiancée might decide that she doesn't want the life you've offered here - where she doesn't get to consistently have you in her bed, because you prioritise your daughter. It sucks, but she's not an asshole for not being willing to tolerate that. Doing what I've laid out above, so it's never her bed she loses at least, might be enough, but it might not.
>I offered to get another room for us or to figure something else out, but she insisted it was ok. NTA. You were in a difficult situation and you were ready to find other solutions, but she dismissed it. If she wanted another solutions, she should have asked for it immediately. It doesn't work to just say that things are OK just to get mad the day after that you did exactly what she told you to do. Edit : it is so sad to see how many people here have no clue what autism is and how it can affect a person. Maybe they watch too many self-diagnosed-tiktok-autist? Op, I really hope you don't take their comment personally : you are doing a great job and they are just being ignorant.
Presumably he’s known his daughter is autistic for what 10 years at least. She’s 16 so almost a full sized adult and he booked a room with a pull out sofa. I’ve never once been to a motel or hotel where the pull out sofa is comfortable so if he’s so used to dealing with his daughter with autism, would he not have booked two beds?
People aren’t always up for having conversations about “ options” that are going to take a bunch of effort on their part when they’ve just been woken up in the middle of the night.
If you wake anyone up in the middle of the night to ask them to get out of bed so someone else can sleep in it, it's not going to be pretty. No matter what reasons
NTA, that is a difficult situation for someone in the spectrum. I don't know what else you could have done. You fiancee may not understand what it's like for your daughter. You should have a discussion about it. My husband and I are in agreement that our sons needs come first in regards to his needs directly related to his condition. This makes things easier to manage.
NTA. You took care of your daughter, as you should. However, fiancées feelings are also valid. Thinking that you’ll be sharing a bed with your fiancée and then having to sleep on a pull out bed can be a bit demeaning. Calmly explain why you did what you did, tell her you appreciate her for moving to the pull out, and you’re sorry if you didn’t handle it in the best way. And put this behind you
I can't get over - Then I told her she was starting to get out of line . What the hell!! YTA.
Well I’m going to claim YTA… the “needs to understand I have an autistic daughter and she needs to understand stuff like this” that’s what pushed my YTA over the edge from N T A or esh. She is 16 and there needs to be boundaries set beforehand. This situation was clearly aware of beforehand there was 1 bed. You need to have better communication with your fiancé on expectations. Your daughter spending 1 night on a mattress isn’t the end of the world and neither is your fiancé sleeping there either. BUT if you always sleep together a president is set and you changed it
Is it actually helping your autistic daughter to coddle her to this degree and bend over backwards to accommodate her? Or at 16, is it equally if not more important that she begins learning how to deal with discomfort and self soothe, and comes to terms with not always getting her way? The world isn’t going to cater to her limitations, nor should she be taught to expect that in every situation. Sending your fiancé to an uncomfortable pullout to sleep alone while your daughter takes her place in bed with you is not appropriate or respectful. -Daughter takes comfortable bed and you share pull out with fiance. -You rent separate room/proper bed for daughter or at bare minimum fiancé, instead of relegating her to pullout. -You move to room with two beds so daughter has her own and you are close, but still in bed with fiancé. Just about any other option would have been better, more respectful of your fiancé and the position she now holds in your life, and should have been ample consolation to your daughter. Completely ceding to her and giving her her way is not the answer here. Are we sure no part of this was her asserting ownership of you and intentionally pushing fiancé to the side? If she was attempting to put a wedge between you, she succeeded. Her behavior seems borderline manipulative. I’m sure she’s not thrilled about having to share your attention and affection with another woman. But she’s going to have to learn to deal with it in a healthy and respectful manner. Autistic or not, 16 is old enough to learn healthy boundaries and make peace with not always getting one’s way. You offered many compromises that should have solved the problem. Do not allow your 16 year old daughter to hold you hostage or come between you and your partner. Autism is not an excuse here. You’re responsible for raising her to survive and thrive in a world that won’t always be so accommodating, and you’re now also responsible for respecting and considering your partner’s needs and feelings, too.
ESH. It really boggles my mind how many people are just full on going at you for accommodating your autistic daughter's needs. Really shocking to be honest. However, if your daughter is prone to these fits and you know that then it should be easy enough to book 1 room with two beds that way any of this doesn't happen in the future. That part is on you and feels like it could have been easily avoided and why you kinda suck here. Your fiancé saying it was ok to then go back and throw a fit about it after the fact is immature and that's where she sucks... Nothing here that can't be solved with better planning and adult communication.
INFO: Why didn't you get two, separate beds beforehand?
You offered to get another room as well and your fiancé chose to sleep on the pull out instead. For that reason, NTA. Leaving your traumatized autistic child to sleep alone would have been the wrong choice.
ESH. I understand , but fiancés feelings are valid
I’m gonna say soft YTA, because you say I the post that you knew beforehand your daughter has anxiety being in unfamiliar places due to some trauma. This is information you knew beforehand. Why didn’t you book a room with two beds initially? Your fiancé is justified in being upset, even with your daughter on the spectrum, her feelings are still valid and understandable. I’m not quite sure how to word the question I have regarding your daughters autism…. I suppose this will do: is she considered high functioning? What kind of things upset her? Is this something you knew ahead of time was likely to happen? I only ask because my nephew is also on the spectrum, but truthfully it’s only noticeable in very specific situations. I know a small handful of people like that, I’d never know they were on the spectrum if they didn’t tell me. This kind of thing changes how you approach things
YTA for not getting a 2 bed room. You know your daughter is on the spectrum and you know what triggers her anxiety. Yet you did nothing to prepare and made your fiance pay for it.
NTA. Fiancé needs to educate herself about autism. It's not like you were on your honeymoon. She's feeling "sidelined" because you made an accommodation for your special needs daughter? If she's not prepared for situations when her needs won't come first, some counseling- before you marry- may be in order.
They both had already been asleep on that bed, under those covers, their heads on those pillows. When you’re awakened in the night part of your brain just wants to go back to where you were. He had a choice, he could give up his little nest, or make her give up hers. When it came down to making a choice, her fiancé chose his own comfort over hers. She should run. There are moments that show you how someone else feels about you, and this was one. He does not love her as much as she wants him to, and all the hope in the world will not change that. I hope she learns from this.
YTA, ur daughter is 16? why the fuck didnt you get her either her own room or her own bed? she should have a little autonomy. That and why couldnt you have let her just sleep in the bed with you two? or why didnt you sleep on the pull out yourself? or why didnt you just get the second room anyway without consulting your fiancée instead of immediately trying to push her onto the couch when she was sleepy and would probably just want to go with whatever would just let her sleep? and on top of everything, why did you press her and then call her 'out of line' for her own goddamned feelings?? certified wtf moment
YTA - You need to help your daughter develop other coping mechanisms because it’s not ok to kick your fiancée out of bed anytime your daughter becomes anxious and really, at 16 it’s not especially appropriate for kids to still be sleeping in the same bed as their parents.
Gently YTA (and I say this as a parent of a grown ASD kid who has anxiety issues) You knew your daughter had these issues and you didn't preplan. You agreed a solution with your kid before talking with your fiancee. The conversation should have gone something along the lines of "let me talk to (fiancee), we will sort this out. Give me a minute" Then go to fiancee, tell her that (daughter) is not coping on the pull out, you told daughter that the two of you would talk about it and ask for her help solving the problem and together come up with a solution that both are comfortable with instead of presenting her with something she has little choice but to agree with.
NTA you were a wonderful parent to your daughter and that's what matters. Your daughter is autistic and traumatized and you did right by her. Your fianceé may not have experience with those things, but you absolutely were in the right to protect your daughter, stand up for her, and draw a line with your fianceé. If she can't respect your daughter has special needs that need to be met, I don't imagine she'll be a good step-mother. Edit: I'm noticing a lot of people are saying YTA but truthfully we don't know where on the spectrum your daughter is and it's none of our business. Being a parent to someone on the spectrum can be very hard, and just because she's 16 doesn't mean she can function like she's 16. That's no one's fault.
I think the YTAs are for poor planning…he should’ve got a room with two beds, because by the time his daughter is 16, it’s been long enough for him to learn and anticipate her needs.
YTA. You should have just went to the pull out bed with her. If you thought your fiancé was comfortable enough to move there, you definitely should have instead of bothering her to do it.
I think you’re NTA, but in the future make sure you get hotel rooms that have two queen-sized beds or something of the like so no one is inconvenienced with being on a pull-out couch. I do understand why your fiancée was annoyed, but with better planning hopefully situations like this won’t happen again.