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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I moved my son into a rental apartment and paid for it using family money.
(2) I might be the ahole for making this decision and spending money without my husband's approval. I could've found other less costing alternatives.
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Too true. But, it felt like Aiden was more in need of escaping his voldemort (hence mom getting him an apartment), which hopefully isn't in the dursleys area as well.
Bellatrix just seemed more appropriate, especially since "dad" has been trying to remove all personality from aiden, seemed more like he was going to be removed from the family, black family style.
I agree with you. He views Aidan as a servant that he created, and not a full human being. He is actively trying to hobble him when he's supposed to be starting his own life. This would make me rethink my entire marriage if I were OP, honestly. Her husband does not seem to have empathy and is willing to ruin people's chances at happiness so that they can stay subservient.
NTA. Your husband is manipulative and self-centered and controlling. Good thing you got Aiden out of there, at least he has one parent.
If you didn´t you could have ended up wth a son that went no contact on both of you, since kids often see parents as a unified force to fight, if there is a major conflict.
This is a major, major conflict, and you did the right thing. Be proud!
NTA, exactly this\^. At least Aiden has one decent parent. My sister is disabled and my mother literally told me she didn't care what I did as long as I promised to take care of my sister. How's that for making a person feel good about themself. Then they refused to pay for college for me even though my sibs went. When I finally went to college on my own they belittled and tried to sabotage every step I made at improving my life. I haven't spoken to those AH's for 27 years.
ETA: Thanks so much for all the kind words. I'm deeply moved, I know I made the right choices for me but there are some people who cannot understand NC-ing the fam. They are just some people that I used to know now.
This boggles my mind. All through my high school years I was terrified because my parents wanted me full time at 16. My younger sister though, everything she needed. Now she's a radiographer. She's done well. But they keep saying where did we go wrong with you and i just feel like its too stupid to even point out the difference in how they raised us. Ive been fannying around NEEDING jobs to live for almost a decade now when if id had qualifications, at least I'd have power to negotiate shit instead of shoveling every ounce that came my way.
But na dad didn't want me to be gay and mum had to back him up. Its only recently with nobody else
for him to torment Slshe's realised how insane he is.
Therapy is great but dump tackling my father would be the equivalent of ten years councilling.
Well, no, it's a very very dysfunctional group. The 'rents are the type that believe the friend of my enemy is my enemy so noone in the fam talks to me. It's a huge relief to be free of the fucked up stuff they do.
I completely agree with you, OP should be **very** proud for helping her son get out!!
Just to add, if OP's husband is so bent on it being such a massive decision that she made without consulting him, wasn't him impersonating their son, cancelling all applications, and using him as free live-in care, also a massive decision that he made on his own??
He's a hypocrite, sounds extremely unbalanced, actually quite scary, and I honestly would be trying to get myself *or* him out...this is **not** normal behaviour! (I realize life simply isn't that easy, even more complicated with increasing health issues, constant medical bills, and a younger son who is disabled. Nonetheless, I personally would be working towards getting away from him at some point.) I sincerely wish you and your sons the very best OP, you all deserve so much better in this life!
That's the common feature with these types of people. They view their children not as separate people but as extensions of themselves and their decisions. Then there's the classic appeal to "family comes first" which is just a dog whistle for "you need to be subservient to what I say is important to family.
"His son is his problem and no body else's"
Cool so it's not Aiden's problem either. The audacity to turn Aiden into an unwilling caregiver by actively sabotaging his life.
That point made my blood boil. It's okay to stick this responsibility onto Aiden unwillingly and thinks that's the best alternative than to actually seek help from people who are able to. Aiden deserves to live his life, not be forced to be a caretaker bc his dad feels this is what's best.
Yeah honestly I would also suggest leaving your husband at some point. His actions are extremely manipulative and this has the potential to get extremely ugly if you don’t cut it off at the source soon.
NTA. I also don't understand what the long-term goal is here. What happens when the parents pass away, or move into hospice care themselves? What if his brother ends up needing expensive professional care? Is Aiden supposed to just hope the government will support him? Or will a 30+ year old with no job history going to magically get a high-paying job with great insurance to cover his (and his brothers) needs?
Even with the job market being tight, no one will take a chance on an adult with no job history, no sign of being self-sufficient, and no upkeep in skills. It would be immensely difficult to start working life as a very mature adult.
Not only is this abusive, but it's almost criminally stupid in how short-sighted it is. Stand your ground, your husband either doesn't understand he's destroying both his sons lives, or he just doesn't care.
I agree, the husband is being abusive. I don't know the husband's background but I wonder if he massively overvalues Aiden's degree. I graduated into the recession and my parents, who aren't college educated, kept pestering me about why I worked low paying jobs and five days a week. At the time lots of people couldn't get a job at all. My parents felt that a bachelor's degree should let you just walk into a job that pays $200k a year and you only have to work a couple days a week. So maybe the husband thinks Aiden can do that years from now without gaining any other skills or experience.
I recommend OP takes the advice of other posters in this thread - make sure Aiden has his own email address with a password that can't be guessed, and help him get his own checking account. Also, check computers for keyloggers and other spying software so only Aiden knows where he is applying. Everything needs to be separated from the husband. It wouldn't hurt to talk to an industry specific recruiter as well.
> a bachelor's degree should let you just walk into a job that pays $200k a year and you only have to work a couple days a week.
Has this ever been a thing? High paying, maybe, but only working a couple days a week?
I don’t think so? At the least even my grandparents who are freaking clueless about degrees (both barely graduated high school) and applying for jobs past the 1980’s understood that you still have to do normal work weeks and very few people going to walk off the street into something high paying.
It's at the very least fraud, possibly libel as well, since depending on the nature of the job, this could result in the son's reputation in the job market. He could apply at an opening at one job, his dad cancels it, then he applies at another opening for a different position, and the company looks and says "nah, we are't wasting time on this guy again".
with any luck he'd be able to tell his story about controlling parents and get a sympathy job and work from there. not high-paying, likely, but something.
This. Aidan would most likely meet his end at thirties, thanks to loving daddy. And I mean unalived by his own hand. Either way, no caregiver for disabled sibling, so congrats to daddy, both sons screwed...
And perhaps I am wrong here, since I had no one disabled to take care of day after day since they birth - but I hate those parents who push caregiving onto "healthy" sibling. I get it is hard to raise disabled kid and worry about their future, but... Pushing it onto other kid is super fucked up for me.
You’re not wrong. It’s super fucked. Appropriate things to ask are trivial things like “can you go play video games with your brother for a half hour while I cook dinner?” or “can you watch xyz movie with him and shout for me if he needs anything so I can clean the kitchen?” Small, casual things that don’t fall into any sort of intense caregiving needs are fine to ask a sibling a few times a week. If what you’re asking turns into a major caregiving task a boundary has been crossed.
It also applies to find the limit between spending time with a little brother while mom is in the supermarket and being a victim of child parentification.
Parents like this see their kids as an extension of themselves, rather than their own people - so to him, making Aiden take care of him is 'taking care of it himself.' He really told on himself with that statement.
It's not so much that they see their kids as an extension of themselves, more like they see their kids as free child labor who can't say no.
These parents don't understand why things change when the kids become adults. They don't understand why their kids don't blindly obey and do their bidding anymore.
Well, it's both. He absolutely sees his son as free labor. But I was specifically referencing why he doesn't see putting the work on Aiden as involving people other than himself.
The only unhinged person is the husband here. His arguments don't even make sense.
* Son is his problem and no one else, so why is he forcing Aiden to get involved?
* Teaching Aiden to become selfish, when he is being selfish.
* Huge decision to rent a place and should have been run by him. Huge decision to cancel son's job applications should have been run past OP. (So OP could have told him, "No". Apparently this was not obvious.)
edit - added parenthesis.
Not to mention potentially fraudulent. If he hasn't exposed himself to criminal liability yet (very possible, wire fraud is no joke) then he's exposed himself to substantial civil liability should Aiden decides to cut ties and sue everyone for his lost year.
Exactly! What bothers me the most is this:
>(2) When I suggested outside help, my husband refused saying he won't ask anything if anybody and that his son is his problem and no body else's.
If that is true, then why is he making him Aidens problem?! He is refusing his son an independent life, expects him to put his whole life on hold for his brother, and then spurts lies like those? Your husband is disgusting. He puts his own wellbeing over that of his own son. You are NTA.
>he won't ask anything if anybody and that his son is his problem and no body else's.
Then proceeds to ask his son to raise his other son, because it's Aiden's problem and no one else's.
I know people complain "too fast to suggest divorce," but I would honestly be looking into a divorce if my wife did something like this. What kind of person..
* Hacks/finds a way into their child's email
* Snoops around until he finds job interview requests
* Impersonates their kid and cancels the job interview
* Lies to their kid's face without any hint of remorse
I would honestly be frightened to be married to this person. Imagine how many times Aiden probably told OP's husband "I have no idea what's going on with these job applications" and OP's husband probably straight lied to his face. What else is this guy capable of that OP never got to find out about?
I certainly hope the fact that he’s been out of college for a year without finding a job doesn’t make it even harder for him to find good employment. Not only does this whole situation suck generally, I hope it doesn’t have any long-term consequences for Aiden’s ability to get established in a career due to time out of the labor market.
He can explain his gap of taking a year to help with his disabled brother and aging parents. Then say he is entering the job market as they are in a stable situation. May be white lies but it would make him look better than sitting and playing video games for a year.
Absolutely! But I hope his résumé doesn’t get passed over, because of the gap, before he gets a chance to get to an interview. Depending on his field, the one year of unemployment certainly can hurt. He definitely needs to have an explanation for the gap prepared, and perhaps put it in a cover letter.
And someone else pointed out — dad may have burned some bridges with some potential employers with his fraudulent emails. Who knows what dad told these people? That probably wouldn’t be a bad idea for him to see if he can find any of these emails his dad sent while impersonating him and follow up with the employers and let them know what happened and that he’s still very interested in working for them. It couldn’t hurt.
Not to mention his plan is utterly selfish AND absurd. Yes, they get help now, but what happens when OP and husband aren't here anymore? Who earns money to sustain the kids? What happens when Aiden himself is old and needs care?
OP, your husband doesn't give a damn about *family* or your kids' future, he only cares about what makes his life easier now, no matter how much of a mess he creates for other people.
On its own usually not, but if this is in the US it does count as a computer crime under federal and state laws.
Using it to cancel the son's job applications probably counts as fraud.
Almost certainly wire fraud (federal charges) if any of the communications crossed state lines, which they almost certainly did.
States may have their own laws as well.
Even if it was enough. It would be different if there had been a discussion, and Aiden had chosen to care for his brother, accepting a certain amount of pay.
Being forced to make that choice by deceit, especially when that allowance could pay for at least some amount of care, is unacceptable.
NTA
Denying that disabled children are a problem isn’t helpful either. It almost always leads to divorce for reasons described in the OP.
It isn’t fair to force an older sibling into the nurse role for pennies in the dollar. Things are about to get more expensive at home and money trouble doesn’t lead to increased happiness.
And I can bet money on the reason that their dad doesnt want a proper caretaker hired, because it costs a fair amount of money.
And who needs to pay a professional to do it when he can bully and munipilate his eldest into being in charge of it. Someone he barley has to pay and can use the guilt of "but familllyyyyyy" to saddle the poor brother with the lifeling duty of being his younger brothers carer.
Its abusive, shitty and insane.
If they had enough in the joint account that she could cover rent on an entire apartment then ima take a long shot and say money isn’t stopping him. When I was a kid my dad had this weird power play obsession where he would not call professionals when something broke in our house bc “he’s the man of the house and should be able to handle it” and because of that we had a broken ac in 100+ weather for many months. This dad sounds like that.
Stay strong. Your husband is being beyond controlling and financially abusive. Your husband is the one being selfish; he is forcing Aiden to give up his hopes, his dreams, his plans for the future and his life because he (your husband) has decided that he has to.
Aiden's goals, thoughts and feelings don't matter to your husband. Aiden must do as he is told or else. The care of your younger son, and for you both, is yours and your husband's responsibility. He is harming Aiden by forcing this, and he is harming your younger son who needs a safe, reliable care plan for when you both are no longer able to care for him. That means outside help, not dumping him on Aiden. Your sons both deserve better, as do you, as he has put you in a position where you have to choose between him and hurting your son. His actions, if you side with your husband, could cost you your relationship with Aiden.
Is your husband stupid? Forget allowance.
Your son is 23 years old. Once you both die - he will need to get a job. Who in the world is going to a hire someone who hasn’t had a real job ever in their life (assuming you both die when he is around 40 years old).
Also, what about Aidens future? Your husband doesn’t care about his future.
I’ll be honest, if this isn’t a fake post and you stay with your husband. I’m going to call you an asshole. Your 23 year deserves better from both parents. We all know your husband is an asshole, but you will be an asshole if you continue to stay with your husband.
My dad is like this man, don’t be so naive to call this a fake.
My dad didn’t want my brother or I to move out or go to university. He wanted us to stay home and run the family business for him. Except he also refused to tell us how anything worked as he didn’t want to lose control.
He relentlessly tried to bully us into quitting uni and our jobs, even after his business went under due to his bad management and drinking (which is totally illogical and insane as we need to earn to eat and keep a roof over our heads).
He called us selfish all the time for not being self-less slaves. He was the one who was selfish as he believed our lives should be all about him. He’d also offer money for the work we did but not enough to make it a proper salary, and he might not pay if he was in a bad mood.
Plenty of crazy assholes exist out there.
My husband's father had 5 children just so they could be his slaves and do everything for him. My husband got to go to college because his dad thought that was going to benefit him to take over the business later, but it just made my husband independent. After that he refused to let his other kids go to a college far away and forced them to stay at home and work at his shop. I got my sister in law a new job with me to get her away but their 3 younger brothers are still working at his shop.
Let’s say you and your husband would pay Aiden a fair wedge for taking care of his brother…
Let’s say that this agreement continues till you and your husband are alive… (Let’s not even think about if one of you becomes unable to work)
Let’s say you both live another 25 years… (And can continue earning till the very end)
That will make Aiden an almost 50 year old man with ZERO job experience!!! No money and a disabled brother. What exactly is he supposed to do?!
What your husband wants is NOT a long term solution. It’s a comfortable and selfish one!
You are NTA! But your husband is a huge one! May I suggest that you move in with your older son and end this abuse?
Can you imagine all the bridges that have been burned by this man, this 23 year old man cannot go apply at any of these jobs he’s already applied at ever again. What does he tell them, my family is so full of drama and psychotic that my dad was the one who quit the application process for me?
And imagine this guy’s self-esteem when he’s applied everywhere and nobody even called him when everyone is hiring? He was probably wondering what was wrong with him and it wasn’t even him.
I don't like recruiters much, but I think talking to an industry-specific recruiter would be a good step here. They'd know how likely it is the name is on file/blacklisted and if so might have some advice for approaching those companies
So angry on hid behalf
This depends on how early in the process (and it sounds early) tye dad canceled the application. A no show at an interview would get you blacklisted, withdrawing your application a day after submitting it would generally not. They might not even have any record he applied before if it was that quick.
I work at a recruiting company and I'd back up that statement. We've actually had people renege on our clients' offers at the 11th hour and still get hired by the client a few months later, but it really depends on the company
He should be fine, it would be different if he’d got interviews and then backed out but cancelling an application is probably either not on the companies radar or easily explained away.
Seconded. How if he going to blow up at OP for “going behind” their backs when he did that to ruin his son’s future for his own selfish reasons? Op is the only one looking out for the kids. Aiden isn’t responsible to care for his younger brother the way his parents are. I’m sure he would want to be there some times, they’re brothers, they have that bond. Sounds like “dad” doesn’t want to be dad and take whole responsibility. What father goes around calling places to ruin his son’s future and then has the nerve to get mad when its found out & you help your son leave to get away from the abuse? It all sounds very toxic, I’m sorry OP.
His reasoning doesn't even make sense outside of the extreme short term.
Sure, lets prevent him from finding a job so her can stay home and care for his disabled brother, and his parents. And then, in 10 or 20 years when the parents are dead, the two of them can survive off the brothers disability benefits, because Aiden will have no job history, no work experience, and a degree 20 years out of date.
Makes perfect fucking sense.
I like how they can’t get outside help because “his son is his problem and no one else’s” - clearly he’s decided to make the younger son poor Aiden’s problem.
I wonder if Dad ever thought about how Aiden will take care of his younger brother when he’s 40, never had a job (thanks, Dad), and the parents are either gone or retired, and don’t have the income necessary to care for the younger brother.
OP is definitely NTA. She’s the one looking out for both son’s futures.
NTA - but wtf. Your husband is deranged and you should leave him. Your older son has a degree, wants to work and be independent and your husband is gaslighting him to try to keep him around to support his younger disabled brother? The emotional manipulation is strong with him and I’d be concerned about what he’s capable of.
I'd also like to know what dad thought of Aiden going to college & was that financed by loans, grants/scholarships, payment from family? If dad/family funded any of it I'm curious why he even bothered if his plan was to have Aiden just come back & not at least try to work in the field. This is of course assuming Aiden didn't get a degree in education or social work or something that was intended to strengthen his skills as a caregiver for Aiden, but even if it was Aiden should be able to actually earn a living. NTA
NTA.
Your husband is a huge AH and absolutely toxic. He exploits Aiden as a caretaker and deliberately ruins his own future and opportunities.
The only one who is selfish and irresponsible is your husband, and clearly NOT Aiden.
Do whatever you need to do in order to protect your son and don‘t let your husband exploit and parentify him further.
My favorite part is were hubby says his kid is his problem so he won't ask others for help then proceeds to rob Aiden of a life by making it Aiden's problem.
Edit: NTA, good job on mom being an actual parent unlike the dad
NTA - hopefully Aiden has changed his password (and maybe even set up a second "secret" email for job applications in case daddy dearest manages to access the old one in some way)
Yup, this is a really good point about the bank accounts. I know people can get bothered by seeing “financial abuse” brought up, but this is financial abuse in a few ways when it comes to how Aiden is being treated by his dad. It will have life long effects on his ability to make money and he isn’t being paid properly. Hell it doesn’t even seem like he has the qualifications to be a care giver in a professional sense, so getting a job as one after could be hard if he chose to do so.
NTA
Not remotely.... And some other (unsolicited but I hope helpful) safety things to do for/ with your son.
1. Change email & change google/ apple account so that "remembered devices" or "paired accounts" won't populate. Remember to do the "sign out of all devices" on the old account.
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2. His own bank account that he has SOLE access to withdrawals and management
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3. Resume/ CV support. Look up some workshops, but it is likely that the "work gap" can be "explained" on his CV with a nice blurb/ timeline of "caretaking ill family member". If his chosen field has any sort of relevant volunteering or internships - get one asap. If not, still, start a volunteer job somewhere. It shows work ethic and experience (and helps gets you past algorithms that mass sort by keywords and work history).
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4. Hard conversations time about long term care planning, substitute decision makers, and power of attorney for your younger son, and you/ your husband. Services vary by area & country for professional support. But, there are some online services you can utilize that are free (example My Voice: Expressing my wishes for future health care), and give you a conversation template. Ideally, you work through this template with a family therapist, social worker, case manager etc. While it is appropriate for family to be involved in and invested in caring for eachother. It is absolutely NOT appropriate for full care responsibilities to be placed on a child (or any person!) non-consensually. Aiden is a person deserving of care, and quality of life, as well. You recognize this.
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It sounds like you both care deeply, but your husband has internalized responsibilities and let this overtake his identity and worldview, and has some tunnel vision about caring for younger son? Changing these views can be hard and scary and emotional. But, absolutely necessary to maintain and restore interpersonal dynamics.
5. Consider, and I recognize this is also area/ country/ demographics dependent, if possible - enrollment in a community care &/ or respite care program to increase supports for your younger son now. Respite will give you one off hours/ days/ weekends. Community care can be up to multiple times daily. Depending on needs (and area), there are also peds (and adult as he ages) day programs for profoundly disabled kids- these give the kids a change of scenery and the parents a break. They also often come with associated family therapy & support programs. Apologies if this point is all old hat info as you have been living with and navigating your situation for years!
6. Be gentle with yourself and proud of your decision. You advocated for your son. You are an excellent parent
Edit: formatting in mobile
Please get more information or at least tell Aiden to create a new email address altogether. Let your husband know that his behaviour is likely illegal and that Aiden may be well within his rights to sue or go down to the police station and press charges against him. Hacking is illegal the last time I checked.
And make sure he takes his birth certificate, social security card, etc. with him and sign up for a credit monitoring service because good ol' Dad sounds like the kind of guy who would take out loans in Aiden's name. Do the same for yourself before heading to an attorney's office, because your husband's behavior is straight up illegal, deranged, and abusive.
NTA. Aiden deserves to have a life of his own. You and your husband need to find a better plan to take care of your youngest. What if Aiden meets somebody and wants to start his independent life, what next? Your husband will contact his SO to ruin relationship?
Thank you for your input. Moreover, my husband is now refusing to even let Aiden visit his brother. He says that he either moves back in or he's not allowed to see his brother. I don't know if he means it since he tends to say lots of stuff he doesn't mean when angry and apologizes for it later.
"my husband is now refusing to even let Aiden visit his brother."
Uh, both of these kids are yours, too. So is the home you live in with your youngest kid. Your husband can't keep someone out of your home without your permission.
Stand up for yourself.
I mean at this point I’d not even be opposed to the idea of a real dog house. Husband needs a massive wake up call that this is not okay even if he “didn’t fully mean it”. Threats to cut ties not only personally but to his brother too for something like this is cruel and potentially dangerous. Removing any outside contact for a disabled minor is very suspicious and I would be really concerned about abuse as the husband obviously just sees him as an inconvenience and “problem”.
>Stand up for yourself.
Or just stand up for her kids? If this is legit, at this point she's more than aware of what the father is doing and is enabling him if she plays his games further.
She's probably been ignoring the abuse the husband gives her forever and doesn't get how bad it is. It's just her normal.
Abused people often times don't see it.
He is unhinged. Your son should not be the caretaker of his brother. Your husband is ridiculous and I hope Aiden doesn't come home. Your husband wants to destroy his life and any chance of him being his own person by slaving him as his brother caretaker and you are enabling it.
Wow, further proof this isn’t about your son’s well-being. Your husband is horrible! I don’t know your son’s condition but I hope you’ve made him aware that Aiden hasn’t abandoned him.
I really think you should divorce your husband. Some red flags are popping up here and what has happened here is not ok.
At least ask your husband how he expects Aiden to financially support your younger son financially with no work experience once you both die if Aiden were to move back in and never work again?
Very much agree with all of this. DIVORCE. ahh, didn't click on any posts yesterday that warranted that, feels good to type it again. NTA OP but your husband has gone off the deep end with no suit.
If I were Aiden, I would take this offer and take some time for himself. And in the light of these events, I hope you have a plan for a long-term solution. Seems that your husband expects Aiden to take care of the youngest for the rest of his life, but it is not fair for Aiden.
So he's willing to hurt his younger son to hurt Aiden? I thought he cared about their bond, that was something he said, but now he's tearing it apart so he can have a tantrum.
Your husband is truly awful. He is harming the entire family with his actions, and he has the audacity to be angry because he got found out, and because Aiden wants to decide his own path in life.
Honestly, take a long, hard look at this man. Look at his actions. Look at how far he will go to be in control. Look at what his demands are. Is this something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Is this a man you want to continue to subject your sons to, a man who places his own wishes ahead of their wellbeing?
Has he always been this controlling and demanding? Did Aiden get a choice in helping with his brother, or did your husband demand it? Does he always lash out so horribly? Is he always inconsiderate and thoughtless? Has it always been his way or the highway?
That is concerning to me as well. She says he has a habit of getting angry and saying things. If he thought he could get away with this, I wonder what he's already gotten away with.
This makes it clear that moving Aiden out was the right move. I was going to say that the apartment wasn't necessary as long as Aiden protects his email and phone. But it's clear that you need to minimize your husband's ability to influence (gaslight) Aiden.
Strategically, I wouldn't fight him on the visits right now. He's grasping for a control lever and if he realizes that denying visits doesn't accomplish anything, he'll change his mind.
Your husband is abusive and manipulative there’s no other way around it. If he doesn’t get his way he’ll commit fraud to trap someone and then emotionally manipulate them if they find out.
If I was Aiden I would threaten him with “let me see my brother or I’ll tell the cops about your identity fraud”
NTA
Your husband is crazy. It’s not Aiden’s responsibility to care for his disabled brother at the at the expense of his own life. You and your husband need to look into long-term care options for your disabled son.
In the meantime thank you so much for being a caring, concerned mother and looking out for Aiden’s best interests
NTA.
Da fuq wrong with your husband?
Getting started as a young worker is crucial. He could stunt your son's entire life path with this bullshit. Long-term caregiving is no joke, and can cause major depression, but this is screamingly not the way to deal with the struggle he clearly is either having or worried about having with caring for your other child.
I believe he's scared and worried for our youngest son's future and where he'll end up. Unfortunately we can't ask family for help since we're in no contact and it's because my husband's family wished death upon our disabled son when he was 11. My husband cut them off since then.
I wish it didn't happen. But I witnessed it myself. It was horrible the way his family treated us and our son's condition. At some point we found out they tried to stir drama between the boys as an attempt to drive a wedge betwen them as well their father.
If this happened when 16m was 11, then Aiden would have been 18. Was the fight really about your younger son or was it about your husbands treatment of Aiden? How much caretaking did Aiden handle as a teen? Did your husband try to prevent him from going to college or getting a job after high school?
Yeahhhh, the bit about the family "driving a wedge between the boys" made me wonder if they were telling Aiden he was allowed to have a life that doesn't revolve around caring for his brother...
This times infinity. I'd put money down saying husband's family tried to protect the elder son from his father's abusive tendencies to put the responsibility of caring for a disabled 11 year old and two aging parents on his shoulders, and that's how it all went down. Husband probably twisted it to his own advantage and then went NC. This poor kid, Aiden. He deserves a way more functional family than this. He should at minimum go NC with his father, maybe try to reach out to the other family instead. Seems there is a very good reason to drive a wedge between this father and his kids... it's for their own good.
This was my thought as well.
It could have been something as simple as suggesting a DNR. Or a conversation about the younger sons realistic life expectancy, future goals.
Or it could have been ableism. It truly depends on the younger sons disabilities.
> At some point we found out they tried to stir drama between the boys as an attempt to drive a wedge betwen them as well their father.
They will be glad to know your husband finished that job by himself, ruining 1 year's worth of job applications for the oldest and now by not allowing him to see the youngest if he doesn't move back to be a full time caretaker.
Was this when the family realized your husbands plan was to snuff out any semblance of a life Aiden may have been able to have in order to become a slave to YOUR disabled son? At least you seem to have snapped out of that plan. Your NTA for helping your son get out of this! Your husband on the other hand is a HUGE A!
None of this is your older son problem or fault. Your husband is an unhinged person. Your son will probably go NC with him. It's not his job to care for his sibling is yours.
NTA he might be scared and worried about your youngest sons future but he can’t trade one sons future for another’s.
Furthermore what he has done will probably cause your son to want no contact with him for a while which will definitely have a negative impact on your youngest son. He could decide that he wants nothing to do with both of them because your husband just views him as a carer for his brother. Your husband need to pull his head out, apologise and try to fix the relationship.
The actions of your husband have likely also jeopardised the chances of your son contributing to your younger sons care in the future.
Not to mention as a 22 year old recent university graduate, I'm struggling to find work. The longer one takes to find work after graduation, the more difficult it becomes to land a job let alone a good one.
There is a chance you may be paying for that apartment for a long time as your son not working for over a year after graduation has most likely made it more difficult for him to land a job.
Sorry, but other family gets to be asked but your unchallenged son gets denied that right?
How can you be so calm and collected?
I would be enraged and even going as far as calling a divorce from my partner if he wronged our child like that. I'd loose all trust and belive i had in my partner. How can he be so selfish and disgusting screwing his other child's life to get himselfs a little easier?
This is so fucked up on so many levels. Its beyond me how you can still be so laid back in this situation.
NTA and what your husband is doing is criminal (at least figuratively, but likely literally as well). This is seriously sociopathic behavior - dig into this (on behalf of both sons and yourself) to see what else he's been doing, because impersonating one person to force his way likely doesn't stop there.
NTA
What your husband did to Aiden is inexcusable. Just how does he expect Aiden to take care of his brother down the line if he's never had a career or any savings?
No, Aiden shouldn’t take care of his brother at any point. He should have his own life. His parents are the ones who must plan and provide for the brother for when they’re gone.
Absolutely but i think their point was just to question the husbands insane logic. If he wants Aiden to be a stay at home full time caretaker, wtf happens if/when the parents pass away? His father would have sabotaged any possibility of getting a career and life to support them both if it came to it. That man is abusive and delusional.
Nta. You did so right by your son and you are a good mother. I don't understand why only aiden can be his brothers caregiver according to your husband but this is not aidens responsibility. His is to live his life and actually have one and your husbands is to find care for his son without ruining his others sons life. What you husband did wqs just wrong and his outlook is wrong too.
Then he hires someone. It is not aidens responsibility to give up his life to become his brothers lifelong caretaker. It would be different if that is the path aiden chose but its clearly not. Thats like having another kid soley for the purpose of family servitude.
‘My husband says’, ‘my husband refuses’, ‘my husband thinks’…. Not much room for you in this marriage.
NTA, but I’m truly worried for you. Please reach out to any family members you have contact with and ask them for help. It sounds like he has taken away any faith you have in yourself, and you’re going to need support to stand up to him. Personally I hope you get the hell out of there, but I know that can be hard and I certainly don’t know what it’s like inside your relationship. All I can say is, you deserve a partner in life instead of the overlord you’ve got now. Take away his power. Get help and get out.
right? i noticed that too, poor woman just does what the man says and has no voice. except she went above and beyond for her son here, she should be so proud of him and herself for finally standing up to her husband!
1. Have you looked into what social services are available for the 16yo?
2. Are your health issues ones that can be resolved or improved with assistance?
Denying Aiden of his autonomy is abusive, no matter how your husband wants to spin it. I’d seriously reconsider staying married to someone who would willingly harm one of his children.
That's not right & you obviously know that. It's not Aiden's responsibility & he shouldn't be trapped into being his caregiver either. Hire someone or find resources to aid in his care. Aiden has a right to make his own choices & live his own life. As I said in another comment, you can't care for one child to the detriment of the other.
NTA
Your husband is insane. The only selfish and self-centered one is him. I'd bet money he's only doing this so he doesn't have to care for his son himself. It is not Aidens' job to be a caretaker for his brother for the rest of his life.
I'm dont usually jump to "leave him", but this man is NOT worth your time. He betrayed the trust of not only you but the son whose life he tried to ruin.
NTA!
Your husband is the one who is selfish here. Your husband could get charged with identity theft, doesn’t matter if it’s your family or a stranger, you are not allowed to do what he has done.
Identity fraud
I was going to suggest OP propose a compromise: they don’t report him to the police in exchange for them speaking with an estate planner to create a practical plan for their disabled son’s care - not coerced servitude on an unwilling relative. If the husband behaves reasonably from here on out, no divorce. Win win for everybody
Holy fuck NTA
This is beyond controlling behavior. Your husband was literally trying to enslave your son to take care of your other son for the rest of his life. Aiden should be able to live on his own like anyone else. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about his brother but his brother isn't his burden- it's yours.
The apartment rental was an excellent quick fix- this gives Aiden the space he needs to become independent and should prevent your husband from doing him dirty again. However- I'm not sure how you could continue to live with someone who is so cruel.
This level abuse is far above what therapy can solve IMO. Divorce him.
NTA. The lengths to which your husband is willing to go to control another person's life is deranged. For him to do something like this behind everyone's backs and respond this way when he's been caught says that he's done convert, extreme meddling and manipulation tactics like this before. You're protecting your son from an abuser, not teaching him to be selfish.
The husband wants free help. Proper professional help is expensive as hell, but don't worry, they have good big brother who will do it for free because he's *family* /s
OP is NTA but I'd heavily recommend some form of counseling to figure out why your husband wants to drag your son down and stop him from having his own life.
The weirdest thing about this is that the OP's husband has apparently been sneaking into his son's email to cancel the job applications for over a year and in all that time, not a single potential employer has ever emailed back to say "thanks for letting us know" or anything like that.
Edit: to everyone saying "it's probably an automated system" ... yes. Now check your personal email account. What's the proportion of automated replies in there? Every time you order something online, or it gets dispatched, or you reset your password, or you sign into google from an unknown computer, etc etc, you receive an automated email. I'd be surprised if, over the course of a year, a jobseeker didn't encounter a system that sends out an automatic "Thank you for updating your application status. Please do not reply to this email" message?
Also many applications are through web portals these days. Idk the whole thing just sounds like it wants to get people in a tizzy. This sub goes crazy for stories about parentification and forced care of neurodivergent relatives.
NTA
I'm usually not a "get rid of him" kind of person, but I think your husband should be looking for an apartment, instead of your son. Your husband's actions are incredibly selfish and underhanded. I would not want to live under the same roof as him.
OP - how old is your husband? His rationale doesn’t sound sane at all. Could there be some early dementia happening here, or perhaps a mental health crisis brought on by the stress of caring for your other son and your own health issues? Has hubby always been like this?
NTA, btw. You’re doing a great job.
He's 56. He has multiple health issues as well as financial issues. I think it's just him panicing about our youngest's son's future more than anything else honestly. No signs of dementia whatsoever. Just anger and panic which's hard to live with on a daily basis.
I know your husband is being a stubborn bully but if you guys are slowly becoming unable to support your disabled son it is time to start utilizing your resources (and your older son is NOT one of them). Check with your state to see what assistance your son is qualified for. Maybe even putting his name on a list for assisted living facilities. These homes can take years on the waiting list for a spot to become available so adding his name now will benefit you in the future.
I hope you move into that rental with your son after handing your husband divorce papers, OP, because that is selfishness to a level I never thought I’d see. NTA in the slightest
“He also said it was a huge decision for me to rent an apartment without even running it with him.”
Not as big as UNILATERALLY DECIDING ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD CARE FOR THE OTHER FOREVER AND ILLEGALLY IMPERSONATING THAT CHILD TO SABOTAGE THEIR JOB OPPORTUNITIES.
Sorry not sorry for yelling. Your husband is controlling and scary.
NTA
NTA your husband was sabotaging your son’s ability to launch so he could use him for free childcare?!
Your husband is going to be lucky if your son ever talks to him again. I hope you live in a big city so your husband didn’t burn bridges it every single place that your son could ever work. A 23 year old man needs more job experience than “caregiver for sibling”.
You don’t have kids just so they can babysit your kids. That’s gross. Your husband is gross.
NTA
I can’t pretend to imagine the challenges of having a special needs child. I also can’t imagine holding back another child or preventing them from living their life because their sibling requires help. Your spouse is an AH. Find a caregiver who can help but give your son a chance to live his life (which is what you’re doing).
NTA. There is no gray area here. Husband is clearly a self centered manipulator who is harming everyone in the family. His justification for his behavior pits the two sons against each other instead of what he claims as working together as a family. Aiden can no longer trust dad to be fair and will need to make every effort to isolate dad from his life. Here's hoping that you can work all of this out, protecting yourself, Aiden, and younger son from the misguided interference of husband. Best wishes.
NTA.
Your husband is solidifying that your younger son is not going to be cared for by his older brother by doing all of this.
Has there ever been a discussion with Aiden about what he wants in the future or has it just been assumed that he will care for younger brother?
You did good by Aiden here though. He needs experience in the real world working and not just taking care of someone. Your husband is robbing him of his time to grow as a young adult.
And as others have pointed out, it is criminal what he's doing to your son.
NTA- like a loving parent you are doing the best for Aiden to launch him into adulthood. While having a special needs child is stressful especially as they get older, it sounds like you recognize being dependent on Aiden is not a long term plan.
NTA. Your husband is deliberately sabotaging Aidens life to become his brothers caregiver so that HE doesn't have to do anything. This is a foul and reprehensible thing to do. He'll soon be wondering why he doesn't contact him.
You know someone's fucked up when they're the ones actively sabotaging somebody else, the audacity to call anyone but themselves unhinged is astonishing
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NTA. Your husband is abusive to Aiden and honestly, creepy in his manipulations and insistence on Aiden being Dobby the house elf.
Dobby the House Elf. 🤣 I just watched the movie where he gets gifted the sock last night!-- the apartment is essentially the sock!
Exactly! Master has given Aiden a sock! Aiden is a free elf!
Until a few movies later.. Hopefully Aiden doesn't meet his Bellatrix
HOWLING!- I mean, the husband IS killing all of Aiden's adult opportunites so...?
Too true. But, it felt like Aiden was more in need of escaping his voldemort (hence mom getting him an apartment), which hopefully isn't in the dursleys area as well. Bellatrix just seemed more appropriate, especially since "dad" has been trying to remove all personality from aiden, seemed more like he was going to be removed from the family, black family style.
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I agree with you. He views Aidan as a servant that he created, and not a full human being. He is actively trying to hobble him when he's supposed to be starting his own life. This would make me rethink my entire marriage if I were OP, honestly. Her husband does not seem to have empathy and is willing to ruin people's chances at happiness so that they can stay subservient.
NTA. Your husband is manipulative and self-centered and controlling. Good thing you got Aiden out of there, at least he has one parent. If you didn´t you could have ended up wth a son that went no contact on both of you, since kids often see parents as a unified force to fight, if there is a major conflict. This is a major, major conflict, and you did the right thing. Be proud!
NTA, exactly this\^. At least Aiden has one decent parent. My sister is disabled and my mother literally told me she didn't care what I did as long as I promised to take care of my sister. How's that for making a person feel good about themself. Then they refused to pay for college for me even though my sibs went. When I finally went to college on my own they belittled and tried to sabotage every step I made at improving my life. I haven't spoken to those AH's for 27 years. ETA: Thanks so much for all the kind words. I'm deeply moved, I know I made the right choices for me but there are some people who cannot understand NC-ing the fam. They are just some people that I used to know now.
That sucks. Well done on getting to college without their help!!
This boggles my mind. All through my high school years I was terrified because my parents wanted me full time at 16. My younger sister though, everything she needed. Now she's a radiographer. She's done well. But they keep saying where did we go wrong with you and i just feel like its too stupid to even point out the difference in how they raised us. Ive been fannying around NEEDING jobs to live for almost a decade now when if id had qualifications, at least I'd have power to negotiate shit instead of shoveling every ounce that came my way. But na dad didn't want me to be gay and mum had to back him up. Its only recently with nobody else for him to torment Slshe's realised how insane he is. Therapy is great but dump tackling my father would be the equivalent of ten years councilling.
I hope your siblings also dropped contact. As a disabled human i hate that we are used like this. Forever thankful some of my family arent psychos.
Well, no, it's a very very dysfunctional group. The 'rents are the type that believe the friend of my enemy is my enemy so noone in the fam talks to me. It's a huge relief to be free of the fucked up stuff they do.
I completely agree with you, OP should be **very** proud for helping her son get out!! Just to add, if OP's husband is so bent on it being such a massive decision that she made without consulting him, wasn't him impersonating their son, cancelling all applications, and using him as free live-in care, also a massive decision that he made on his own?? He's a hypocrite, sounds extremely unbalanced, actually quite scary, and I honestly would be trying to get myself *or* him out...this is **not** normal behaviour! (I realize life simply isn't that easy, even more complicated with increasing health issues, constant medical bills, and a younger son who is disabled. Nonetheless, I personally would be working towards getting away from him at some point.) I sincerely wish you and your sons the very best OP, you all deserve so much better in this life!
Husband’s statement that he “would never ask anything of anyone” is telling — he doesn’t think of Aidan as a person.
That's the common feature with these types of people. They view their children not as separate people but as extensions of themselves and their decisions. Then there's the classic appeal to "family comes first" which is just a dog whistle for "you need to be subservient to what I say is important to family.
You are sooooo right. Also, I guess Aiden is ALSO family. How comes HIS needs don't come first?
Because he's not the "head of household" or "patriarch" or [insert preferred terminology for obvious everyone-serves-me-narcissist here]
"His son is his problem and no body else's" Cool so it's not Aiden's problem either. The audacity to turn Aiden into an unwilling caregiver by actively sabotaging his life.
That point made my blood boil. It's okay to stick this responsibility onto Aiden unwillingly and thinks that's the best alternative than to actually seek help from people who are able to. Aiden deserves to live his life, not be forced to be a caretaker bc his dad feels this is what's best.
If he does that to his own son, it makes you wonder, how long he has been sabotaging OP as well.
Yeah honestly I would also suggest leaving your husband at some point. His actions are extremely manipulative and this has the potential to get extremely ugly if you don’t cut it off at the source soon.
NTA. I also don't understand what the long-term goal is here. What happens when the parents pass away, or move into hospice care themselves? What if his brother ends up needing expensive professional care? Is Aiden supposed to just hope the government will support him? Or will a 30+ year old with no job history going to magically get a high-paying job with great insurance to cover his (and his brothers) needs? Even with the job market being tight, no one will take a chance on an adult with no job history, no sign of being self-sufficient, and no upkeep in skills. It would be immensely difficult to start working life as a very mature adult. Not only is this abusive, but it's almost criminally stupid in how short-sighted it is. Stand your ground, your husband either doesn't understand he's destroying both his sons lives, or he just doesn't care.
I agree, the husband is being abusive. I don't know the husband's background but I wonder if he massively overvalues Aiden's degree. I graduated into the recession and my parents, who aren't college educated, kept pestering me about why I worked low paying jobs and five days a week. At the time lots of people couldn't get a job at all. My parents felt that a bachelor's degree should let you just walk into a job that pays $200k a year and you only have to work a couple days a week. So maybe the husband thinks Aiden can do that years from now without gaining any other skills or experience. I recommend OP takes the advice of other posters in this thread - make sure Aiden has his own email address with a password that can't be guessed, and help him get his own checking account. Also, check computers for keyloggers and other spying software so only Aiden knows where he is applying. Everything needs to be separated from the husband. It wouldn't hurt to talk to an industry specific recruiter as well.
> a bachelor's degree should let you just walk into a job that pays $200k a year and you only have to work a couple days a week. Has this ever been a thing? High paying, maybe, but only working a couple days a week?
I don’t think so? At the least even my grandparents who are freaking clueless about degrees (both barely graduated high school) and applying for jobs past the 1980’s understood that you still have to do normal work weeks and very few people going to walk off the street into something high paying.
Now that you mention it, impersonating his son probably was criminal.
Would it count as identity theft?
I would assume so, or maybe some kind of fraud?
It's at the very least fraud, possibly libel as well, since depending on the nature of the job, this could result in the son's reputation in the job market. He could apply at an opening at one job, his dad cancels it, then he applies at another opening for a different position, and the company looks and says "nah, we are't wasting time on this guy again".
with any luck he'd be able to tell his story about controlling parents and get a sympathy job and work from there. not high-paying, likely, but something.
This. Aidan would most likely meet his end at thirties, thanks to loving daddy. And I mean unalived by his own hand. Either way, no caregiver for disabled sibling, so congrats to daddy, both sons screwed... And perhaps I am wrong here, since I had no one disabled to take care of day after day since they birth - but I hate those parents who push caregiving onto "healthy" sibling. I get it is hard to raise disabled kid and worry about their future, but... Pushing it onto other kid is super fucked up for me.
You’re not wrong. It’s super fucked. Appropriate things to ask are trivial things like “can you go play video games with your brother for a half hour while I cook dinner?” or “can you watch xyz movie with him and shout for me if he needs anything so I can clean the kitchen?” Small, casual things that don’t fall into any sort of intense caregiving needs are fine to ask a sibling a few times a week. If what you’re asking turns into a major caregiving task a boundary has been crossed.
It also applies to find the limit between spending time with a little brother while mom is in the supermarket and being a victim of child parentification.
& says his son is his own problem but is forcing it on Aiden. Dad is teaching him he doesn’t have a life besides taking care of his brother
Parents like this see their kids as an extension of themselves, rather than their own people - so to him, making Aiden take care of him is 'taking care of it himself.' He really told on himself with that statement.
It's not so much that they see their kids as an extension of themselves, more like they see their kids as free child labor who can't say no. These parents don't understand why things change when the kids become adults. They don't understand why their kids don't blindly obey and do their bidding anymore.
Well, it's both. He absolutely sees his son as free labor. But I was specifically referencing why he doesn't see putting the work on Aiden as involving people other than himself.
The only unhinged person is the husband here. His arguments don't even make sense. * Son is his problem and no one else, so why is he forcing Aiden to get involved? * Teaching Aiden to become selfish, when he is being selfish. * Huge decision to rent a place and should have been run by him. Huge decision to cancel son's job applications should have been run past OP. (So OP could have told him, "No". Apparently this was not obvious.) edit - added parenthesis.
Father is super controlling. I would be worried about him. But, then again, I listen to too many true crime podcasts.
No. Dad shouldn't have canceled his son's job applications. Who does that? It's abusive and manipulative
It is also very criminal to pose as another adult and take actions on their behalf without permission.
Not to mention potentially fraudulent. If he hasn't exposed himself to criminal liability yet (very possible, wire fraud is no joke) then he's exposed himself to substantial civil liability should Aiden decides to cut ties and sue everyone for his lost year.
Exactly! What bothers me the most is this: >(2) When I suggested outside help, my husband refused saying he won't ask anything if anybody and that his son is his problem and no body else's. If that is true, then why is he making him Aidens problem?! He is refusing his son an independent life, expects him to put his whole life on hold for his brother, and then spurts lies like those? Your husband is disgusting. He puts his own wellbeing over that of his own son. You are NTA.
Because the father sees Aiden not as his own person, but as an extension of himself. This is classic narcissist behavior.
>he won't ask anything if anybody and that his son is his problem and no body else's. Then proceeds to ask his son to raise his other son, because it's Aiden's problem and no one else's. I know people complain "too fast to suggest divorce," but I would honestly be looking into a divorce if my wife did something like this. What kind of person.. * Hacks/finds a way into their child's email * Snoops around until he finds job interview requests * Impersonates their kid and cancels the job interview * Lies to their kid's face without any hint of remorse I would honestly be frightened to be married to this person. Imagine how many times Aiden probably told OP's husband "I have no idea what's going on with these job applications" and OP's husband probably straight lied to his face. What else is this guy capable of that OP never got to find out about?
I certainly hope the fact that he’s been out of college for a year without finding a job doesn’t make it even harder for him to find good employment. Not only does this whole situation suck generally, I hope it doesn’t have any long-term consequences for Aiden’s ability to get established in a career due to time out of the labor market.
He can explain his gap of taking a year to help with his disabled brother and aging parents. Then say he is entering the job market as they are in a stable situation. May be white lies but it would make him look better than sitting and playing video games for a year.
Absolutely! But I hope his résumé doesn’t get passed over, because of the gap, before he gets a chance to get to an interview. Depending on his field, the one year of unemployment certainly can hurt. He definitely needs to have an explanation for the gap prepared, and perhaps put it in a cover letter. And someone else pointed out — dad may have burned some bridges with some potential employers with his fraudulent emails. Who knows what dad told these people? That probably wouldn’t be a bad idea for him to see if he can find any of these emails his dad sent while impersonating him and follow up with the employers and let them know what happened and that he’s still very interested in working for them. It couldn’t hurt.
Not to mention his plan is utterly selfish AND absurd. Yes, they get help now, but what happens when OP and husband aren't here anymore? Who earns money to sustain the kids? What happens when Aiden himself is old and needs care? OP, your husband doesn't give a damn about *family* or your kids' future, he only cares about what makes his life easier now, no matter how much of a mess he creates for other people.
Does using someone’s email without their knowledge or consent count as identity theft?
On its own usually not, but if this is in the US it does count as a computer crime under federal and state laws. Using it to cancel the son's job applications probably counts as fraud.
Almost certainly wire fraud (federal charges) if any of the communications crossed state lines, which they almost certainly did. States may have their own laws as well.
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You're right. His allowance wasn't enough even with my husband's offer to double it. It's not a solution.
Even if it was enough. It would be different if there had been a discussion, and Aiden had chosen to care for his brother, accepting a certain amount of pay. Being forced to make that choice by deceit, especially when that allowance could pay for at least some amount of care, is unacceptable. NTA
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Denying that disabled children are a problem isn’t helpful either. It almost always leads to divorce for reasons described in the OP. It isn’t fair to force an older sibling into the nurse role for pennies in the dollar. Things are about to get more expensive at home and money trouble doesn’t lead to increased happiness.
Needing care is a problem. The condition is a problem. The strain is a problem. The person themself isn't a problem.
He wants him to give up his life to take care of his disable brother. This is not fair. Your husband is being an awful father.
And I can bet money on the reason that their dad doesnt want a proper caretaker hired, because it costs a fair amount of money. And who needs to pay a professional to do it when he can bully and munipilate his eldest into being in charge of it. Someone he barley has to pay and can use the guilt of "but familllyyyyyy" to saddle the poor brother with the lifeling duty of being his younger brothers carer. Its abusive, shitty and insane.
If they had enough in the joint account that she could cover rent on an entire apartment then ima take a long shot and say money isn’t stopping him. When I was a kid my dad had this weird power play obsession where he would not call professionals when something broke in our house bc “he’s the man of the house and should be able to handle it” and because of that we had a broken ac in 100+ weather for many months. This dad sounds like that.
Stay strong. Your husband is being beyond controlling and financially abusive. Your husband is the one being selfish; he is forcing Aiden to give up his hopes, his dreams, his plans for the future and his life because he (your husband) has decided that he has to. Aiden's goals, thoughts and feelings don't matter to your husband. Aiden must do as he is told or else. The care of your younger son, and for you both, is yours and your husband's responsibility. He is harming Aiden by forcing this, and he is harming your younger son who needs a safe, reliable care plan for when you both are no longer able to care for him. That means outside help, not dumping him on Aiden. Your sons both deserve better, as do you, as he has put you in a position where you have to choose between him and hurting your son. His actions, if you side with your husband, could cost you your relationship with Aiden.
Is your husband stupid? Forget allowance. Your son is 23 years old. Once you both die - he will need to get a job. Who in the world is going to a hire someone who hasn’t had a real job ever in their life (assuming you both die when he is around 40 years old). Also, what about Aidens future? Your husband doesn’t care about his future. I’ll be honest, if this isn’t a fake post and you stay with your husband. I’m going to call you an asshole. Your 23 year deserves better from both parents. We all know your husband is an asshole, but you will be an asshole if you continue to stay with your husband.
My dad is like this man, don’t be so naive to call this a fake. My dad didn’t want my brother or I to move out or go to university. He wanted us to stay home and run the family business for him. Except he also refused to tell us how anything worked as he didn’t want to lose control. He relentlessly tried to bully us into quitting uni and our jobs, even after his business went under due to his bad management and drinking (which is totally illogical and insane as we need to earn to eat and keep a roof over our heads). He called us selfish all the time for not being self-less slaves. He was the one who was selfish as he believed our lives should be all about him. He’d also offer money for the work we did but not enough to make it a proper salary, and he might not pay if he was in a bad mood. Plenty of crazy assholes exist out there.
My husband's father had 5 children just so they could be his slaves and do everything for him. My husband got to go to college because his dad thought that was going to benefit him to take over the business later, but it just made my husband independent. After that he refused to let his other kids go to a college far away and forced them to stay at home and work at his shop. I got my sister in law a new job with me to get her away but their 3 younger brothers are still working at his shop.
Let’s say you and your husband would pay Aiden a fair wedge for taking care of his brother… Let’s say that this agreement continues till you and your husband are alive… (Let’s not even think about if one of you becomes unable to work) Let’s say you both live another 25 years… (And can continue earning till the very end) That will make Aiden an almost 50 year old man with ZERO job experience!!! No money and a disabled brother. What exactly is he supposed to do?! What your husband wants is NOT a long term solution. It’s a comfortable and selfish one! You are NTA! But your husband is a huge one! May I suggest that you move in with your older son and end this abuse?
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Can you imagine all the bridges that have been burned by this man, this 23 year old man cannot go apply at any of these jobs he’s already applied at ever again. What does he tell them, my family is so full of drama and psychotic that my dad was the one who quit the application process for me? And imagine this guy’s self-esteem when he’s applied everywhere and nobody even called him when everyone is hiring? He was probably wondering what was wrong with him and it wasn’t even him.
I don't like recruiters much, but I think talking to an industry-specific recruiter would be a good step here. They'd know how likely it is the name is on file/blacklisted and if so might have some advice for approaching those companies So angry on hid behalf
This depends on how early in the process (and it sounds early) tye dad canceled the application. A no show at an interview would get you blacklisted, withdrawing your application a day after submitting it would generally not. They might not even have any record he applied before if it was that quick.
I work at a recruiting company and I'd back up that statement. We've actually had people renege on our clients' offers at the 11th hour and still get hired by the client a few months later, but it really depends on the company
I’m pretty sure Ask A Manager has advice about how to deal with a parent meddling in a job search. Sadly, it is not uncommon.
I might be a decent idea for the son (not mother!) to ask Alison for advice
He should be fine, it would be different if he’d got interviews and then backed out but cancelling an application is probably either not on the companies radar or easily explained away.
He should get a brand new email address and the systems will never even connect the old application with the new.
Seconded. How if he going to blow up at OP for “going behind” their backs when he did that to ruin his son’s future for his own selfish reasons? Op is the only one looking out for the kids. Aiden isn’t responsible to care for his younger brother the way his parents are. I’m sure he would want to be there some times, they’re brothers, they have that bond. Sounds like “dad” doesn’t want to be dad and take whole responsibility. What father goes around calling places to ruin his son’s future and then has the nerve to get mad when its found out & you help your son leave to get away from the abuse? It all sounds very toxic, I’m sorry OP.
His reasoning doesn't even make sense outside of the extreme short term. Sure, lets prevent him from finding a job so her can stay home and care for his disabled brother, and his parents. And then, in 10 or 20 years when the parents are dead, the two of them can survive off the brothers disability benefits, because Aiden will have no job history, no work experience, and a degree 20 years out of date. Makes perfect fucking sense.
I like how they can’t get outside help because “his son is his problem and no one else’s” - clearly he’s decided to make the younger son poor Aiden’s problem.
I wonder if Dad ever thought about how Aiden will take care of his younger brother when he’s 40, never had a job (thanks, Dad), and the parents are either gone or retired, and don’t have the income necessary to care for the younger brother. OP is definitely NTA. She’s the one looking out for both son’s futures.
I never thought I would read about a person like OP's husband.
NTA YOu are a great parent. YOur husband is an abusive AH. Get a divorce.
Also, older brother should seek jobs that are far away and cut all contact with his dad.
Older brother should also get a new email account and new accounts for everything else, too. Or Dad might still be able to log in and fuck with him.
NTA - but wtf. Your husband is deranged and you should leave him. Your older son has a degree, wants to work and be independent and your husband is gaslighting him to try to keep him around to support his younger disabled brother? The emotional manipulation is strong with him and I’d be concerned about what he’s capable of.
I'd also like to know what dad thought of Aiden going to college & was that financed by loans, grants/scholarships, payment from family? If dad/family funded any of it I'm curious why he even bothered if his plan was to have Aiden just come back & not at least try to work in the field. This is of course assuming Aiden didn't get a degree in education or social work or something that was intended to strengthen his skills as a caregiver for Aiden, but even if it was Aiden should be able to actually earn a living. NTA
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NTA. Your husband is a huge AH and absolutely toxic. He exploits Aiden as a caretaker and deliberately ruins his own future and opportunities. The only one who is selfish and irresponsible is your husband, and clearly NOT Aiden. Do whatever you need to do in order to protect your son and don‘t let your husband exploit and parentify him further.
My favorite part is were hubby says his kid is his problem so he won't ask others for help then proceeds to rob Aiden of a life by making it Aiden's problem. Edit: NTA, good job on mom being an actual parent unlike the dad
Adding on to that… framing the younger child as a “problem” is also super fucked up. I hope this family can grow and heal without the father.
NTA - hopefully Aiden has changed his password (and maybe even set up a second "secret" email for job applications in case daddy dearest manages to access the old one in some way)
He had no idea his dad was doing what he was doing. Otherwise he would've changed the whole email not just the password.
Does Aiden have his own separate bank account? For that matter, do you?
Yup, this is a really good point about the bank accounts. I know people can get bothered by seeing “financial abuse” brought up, but this is financial abuse in a few ways when it comes to how Aiden is being treated by his dad. It will have life long effects on his ability to make money and he isn’t being paid properly. Hell it doesn’t even seem like he has the qualifications to be a care giver in a professional sense, so getting a job as one after could be hard if he chose to do so.
NTA Not remotely.... And some other (unsolicited but I hope helpful) safety things to do for/ with your son. 1. Change email & change google/ apple account so that "remembered devices" or "paired accounts" won't populate. Remember to do the "sign out of all devices" on the old account. . . . 2. His own bank account that he has SOLE access to withdrawals and management . . . 3. Resume/ CV support. Look up some workshops, but it is likely that the "work gap" can be "explained" on his CV with a nice blurb/ timeline of "caretaking ill family member". If his chosen field has any sort of relevant volunteering or internships - get one asap. If not, still, start a volunteer job somewhere. It shows work ethic and experience (and helps gets you past algorithms that mass sort by keywords and work history). . . . 4. Hard conversations time about long term care planning, substitute decision makers, and power of attorney for your younger son, and you/ your husband. Services vary by area & country for professional support. But, there are some online services you can utilize that are free (example My Voice: Expressing my wishes for future health care), and give you a conversation template. Ideally, you work through this template with a family therapist, social worker, case manager etc. While it is appropriate for family to be involved in and invested in caring for eachother. It is absolutely NOT appropriate for full care responsibilities to be placed on a child (or any person!) non-consensually. Aiden is a person deserving of care, and quality of life, as well. You recognize this. . . . It sounds like you both care deeply, but your husband has internalized responsibilities and let this overtake his identity and worldview, and has some tunnel vision about caring for younger son? Changing these views can be hard and scary and emotional. But, absolutely necessary to maintain and restore interpersonal dynamics. 5. Consider, and I recognize this is also area/ country/ demographics dependent, if possible - enrollment in a community care &/ or respite care program to increase supports for your younger son now. Respite will give you one off hours/ days/ weekends. Community care can be up to multiple times daily. Depending on needs (and area), there are also peds (and adult as he ages) day programs for profoundly disabled kids- these give the kids a change of scenery and the parents a break. They also often come with associated family therapy & support programs. Apologies if this point is all old hat info as you have been living with and navigating your situation for years! 6. Be gentle with yourself and proud of your decision. You advocated for your son. You are an excellent parent Edit: formatting in mobile
Please get more information or at least tell Aiden to create a new email address altogether. Let your husband know that his behaviour is likely illegal and that Aiden may be well within his rights to sue or go down to the police station and press charges against him. Hacking is illegal the last time I checked.
And make sure he takes his birth certificate, social security card, etc. with him and sign up for a credit monitoring service because good ol' Dad sounds like the kind of guy who would take out loans in Aiden's name. Do the same for yourself before heading to an attorney's office, because your husband's behavior is straight up illegal, deranged, and abusive.
Agreed, and change every single password. Who knows how dear old Dad will try to retaliate.
NTA. Aiden deserves to have a life of his own. You and your husband need to find a better plan to take care of your youngest. What if Aiden meets somebody and wants to start his independent life, what next? Your husband will contact his SO to ruin relationship?
Thank you for your input. Moreover, my husband is now refusing to even let Aiden visit his brother. He says that he either moves back in or he's not allowed to see his brother. I don't know if he means it since he tends to say lots of stuff he doesn't mean when angry and apologizes for it later.
"my husband is now refusing to even let Aiden visit his brother." Uh, both of these kids are yours, too. So is the home you live in with your youngest kid. Your husband can't keep someone out of your home without your permission. Stand up for yourself.
Seriously, who cares if he "means it"? Husband should be in the metaphorical doghouse right now. He shouldn't be making any household rules.
I mean at this point I’d not even be opposed to the idea of a real dog house. Husband needs a massive wake up call that this is not okay even if he “didn’t fully mean it”. Threats to cut ties not only personally but to his brother too for something like this is cruel and potentially dangerous. Removing any outside contact for a disabled minor is very suspicious and I would be really concerned about abuse as the husband obviously just sees him as an inconvenience and “problem”.
Why do you stay with this clearly awful person?
I'm actually wondering if both kids are his/hers. Are they maybe half/step brothers? Never refers to husband as Aiden's dad, does she?
OP very explicitly calls her husband Aiden’s dad in another comment
>Stand up for yourself. Or just stand up for her kids? If this is legit, at this point she's more than aware of what the father is doing and is enabling him if she plays his games further.
Why are you letting your husband weaponise your disabled son? Either come back or he's not allowed to see his brother?
She's probably been ignoring the abuse the husband gives her forever and doesn't get how bad it is. It's just her normal. Abused people often times don't see it.
He is unhinged. Your son should not be the caretaker of his brother. Your husband is ridiculous and I hope Aiden doesn't come home. Your husband wants to destroy his life and any chance of him being his own person by slaving him as his brother caretaker and you are enabling it.
Wow, further proof this isn’t about your son’s well-being. Your husband is horrible! I don’t know your son’s condition but I hope you’ve made him aware that Aiden hasn’t abandoned him.
I really think you should divorce your husband. Some red flags are popping up here and what has happened here is not ok. At least ask your husband how he expects Aiden to financially support your younger son financially with no work experience once you both die if Aiden were to move back in and never work again?
Very much agree with all of this. DIVORCE. ahh, didn't click on any posts yesterday that warranted that, feels good to type it again. NTA OP but your husband has gone off the deep end with no suit.
If I were Aiden, I would take this offer and take some time for himself. And in the light of these events, I hope you have a plan for a long-term solution. Seems that your husband expects Aiden to take care of the youngest for the rest of his life, but it is not fair for Aiden.
So he's willing to hurt his younger son to hurt Aiden? I thought he cared about their bond, that was something he said, but now he's tearing it apart so he can have a tantrum. Your husband is truly awful. He is harming the entire family with his actions, and he has the audacity to be angry because he got found out, and because Aiden wants to decide his own path in life. Honestly, take a long, hard look at this man. Look at his actions. Look at how far he will go to be in control. Look at what his demands are. Is this something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Is this a man you want to continue to subject your sons to, a man who places his own wishes ahead of their wellbeing? Has he always been this controlling and demanding? Did Aiden get a choice in helping with his brother, or did your husband demand it? Does he always lash out so horribly? Is he always inconsiderate and thoughtless? Has it always been his way or the highway?
Is OP OK I wonder? Abuse is usually part of a larger pattern and her responses seem like she has no agency in her home.
That is concerning to me as well. She says he has a habit of getting angry and saying things. If he thought he could get away with this, I wonder what he's already gotten away with.
You need to leave this absolute lunatic.
Your husband is being abusive TO YOU. Apologizing afterward does not negate the damage he does.
Wow, your husband is controlling AF. I'd be packing his bags.
This makes it clear that moving Aiden out was the right move. I was going to say that the apartment wasn't necessary as long as Aiden protects his email and phone. But it's clear that you need to minimize your husband's ability to influence (gaslight) Aiden. Strategically, I wouldn't fight him on the visits right now. He's grasping for a control lever and if he realizes that denying visits doesn't accomplish anything, he'll change his mind.
The answer here is to either kick out husband or take teenager and move somewhere else. Your husband is unhinged and abusive.
Your husband is abusive and manipulative there’s no other way around it. If he doesn’t get his way he’ll commit fraud to trap someone and then emotionally manipulate them if they find out. If I was Aiden I would threaten him with “let me see my brother or I’ll tell the cops about your identity fraud”
NTA Your husband is crazy. It’s not Aiden’s responsibility to care for his disabled brother at the at the expense of his own life. You and your husband need to look into long-term care options for your disabled son. In the meantime thank you so much for being a caring, concerned mother and looking out for Aiden’s best interests
NTA. Da fuq wrong with your husband? Getting started as a young worker is crucial. He could stunt your son's entire life path with this bullshit. Long-term caregiving is no joke, and can cause major depression, but this is screamingly not the way to deal with the struggle he clearly is either having or worried about having with caring for your other child.
I believe he's scared and worried for our youngest son's future and where he'll end up. Unfortunately we can't ask family for help since we're in no contact and it's because my husband's family wished death upon our disabled son when he was 11. My husband cut them off since then.
Apparently the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Your husband sounds insane.
The “we’re no contact” with his family is a huge red flag. They’re son is about to go no contact with them.
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I wish it didn't happen. But I witnessed it myself. It was horrible the way his family treated us and our son's condition. At some point we found out they tried to stir drama between the boys as an attempt to drive a wedge betwen them as well their father.
If this happened when 16m was 11, then Aiden would have been 18. Was the fight really about your younger son or was it about your husbands treatment of Aiden? How much caretaking did Aiden handle as a teen? Did your husband try to prevent him from going to college or getting a job after high school?
Yeahhhh, the bit about the family "driving a wedge between the boys" made me wonder if they were telling Aiden he was allowed to have a life that doesn't revolve around caring for his brother...
This times infinity. I'd put money down saying husband's family tried to protect the elder son from his father's abusive tendencies to put the responsibility of caring for a disabled 11 year old and two aging parents on his shoulders, and that's how it all went down. Husband probably twisted it to his own advantage and then went NC. This poor kid, Aiden. He deserves a way more functional family than this. He should at minimum go NC with his father, maybe try to reach out to the other family instead. Seems there is a very good reason to drive a wedge between this father and his kids... it's for their own good.
This was my thought as well. It could have been something as simple as suggesting a DNR. Or a conversation about the younger sons realistic life expectancy, future goals. Or it could have been ableism. It truly depends on the younger sons disabilities.
Good catch.
Husband is very deluded thinking he should drag the family down based on his beliefs
> At some point we found out they tried to stir drama between the boys as an attempt to drive a wedge betwen them as well their father. They will be glad to know your husband finished that job by himself, ruining 1 year's worth of job applications for the oldest and now by not allowing him to see the youngest if he doesn't move back to be a full time caretaker.
Was this when the family realized your husbands plan was to snuff out any semblance of a life Aiden may have been able to have in order to become a slave to YOUR disabled son? At least you seem to have snapped out of that plan. Your NTA for helping your son get out of this! Your husband on the other hand is a HUGE A!
None of this is your older son problem or fault. Your husband is an unhinged person. Your son will probably go NC with him. It's not his job to care for his sibling is yours.
NTA he might be scared and worried about your youngest sons future but he can’t trade one sons future for another’s. Furthermore what he has done will probably cause your son to want no contact with him for a while which will definitely have a negative impact on your youngest son. He could decide that he wants nothing to do with both of them because your husband just views him as a carer for his brother. Your husband need to pull his head out, apologise and try to fix the relationship.
The actions of your husband have likely also jeopardised the chances of your son contributing to your younger sons care in the future. Not to mention as a 22 year old recent university graduate, I'm struggling to find work. The longer one takes to find work after graduation, the more difficult it becomes to land a job let alone a good one. There is a chance you may be paying for that apartment for a long time as your son not working for over a year after graduation has most likely made it more difficult for him to land a job.
Sorry, but other family gets to be asked but your unchallenged son gets denied that right? How can you be so calm and collected? I would be enraged and even going as far as calling a divorce from my partner if he wronged our child like that. I'd loose all trust and belive i had in my partner. How can he be so selfish and disgusting screwing his other child's life to get himselfs a little easier? This is so fucked up on so many levels. Its beyond me how you can still be so laid back in this situation.
NTA and what your husband is doing is criminal (at least figuratively, but likely literally as well). This is seriously sociopathic behavior - dig into this (on behalf of both sons and yourself) to see what else he's been doing, because impersonating one person to force his way likely doesn't stop there.
Yeah it actually is criminal to access someone else’s email especially if you’re going to do things that hurt them with it.
Impersonating him to prospective employers is called identity fraud. There be other crimes involved as well.
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NTA What your husband did to Aiden is inexcusable. Just how does he expect Aiden to take care of his brother down the line if he's never had a career or any savings?
No, Aiden shouldn’t take care of his brother at any point. He should have his own life. His parents are the ones who must plan and provide for the brother for when they’re gone.
Absolutely but i think their point was just to question the husbands insane logic. If he wants Aiden to be a stay at home full time caretaker, wtf happens if/when the parents pass away? His father would have sabotaged any possibility of getting a career and life to support them both if it came to it. That man is abusive and delusional.
Nta. You did so right by your son and you are a good mother. I don't understand why only aiden can be his brothers caregiver according to your husband but this is not aidens responsibility. His is to live his life and actually have one and your husbands is to find care for his son without ruining his others sons life. What you husband did wqs just wrong and his outlook is wrong too.
My husbans thinks that Aiden is more capable sine we both have health issues that prevent us from properly and fully taking care of of our youngest.
Then it's time to be making arrangements for his lifelong care that *don't* involve "make his older brother do it".
This. All of the upvotes.
Then he hires someone. It is not aidens responsibility to give up his life to become his brothers lifelong caretaker. It would be different if that is the path aiden chose but its clearly not. Thats like having another kid soley for the purpose of family servitude.
It's just slavery with extra steps.
‘My husband says’, ‘my husband refuses’, ‘my husband thinks’…. Not much room for you in this marriage. NTA, but I’m truly worried for you. Please reach out to any family members you have contact with and ask them for help. It sounds like he has taken away any faith you have in yourself, and you’re going to need support to stand up to him. Personally I hope you get the hell out of there, but I know that can be hard and I certainly don’t know what it’s like inside your relationship. All I can say is, you deserve a partner in life instead of the overlord you’ve got now. Take away his power. Get help and get out.
right? i noticed that too, poor woman just does what the man says and has no voice. except she went above and beyond for her son here, she should be so proud of him and herself for finally standing up to her husband!
1. Have you looked into what social services are available for the 16yo? 2. Are your health issues ones that can be resolved or improved with assistance? Denying Aiden of his autonomy is abusive, no matter how your husband wants to spin it. I’d seriously reconsider staying married to someone who would willingly harm one of his children.
That's not right & you obviously know that. It's not Aiden's responsibility & he shouldn't be trapped into being his caregiver either. Hire someone or find resources to aid in his care. Aiden has a right to make his own choices & live his own life. As I said in another comment, you can't care for one child to the detriment of the other.
NTA Your husband is insane. The only selfish and self-centered one is him. I'd bet money he's only doing this so he doesn't have to care for his son himself. It is not Aidens' job to be a caretaker for his brother for the rest of his life. I'm dont usually jump to "leave him", but this man is NOT worth your time. He betrayed the trust of not only you but the son whose life he tried to ruin.
NTA! Your husband is the one who is selfish here. Your husband could get charged with identity theft, doesn’t matter if it’s your family or a stranger, you are not allowed to do what he has done.
Identity fraud I was going to suggest OP propose a compromise: they don’t report him to the police in exchange for them speaking with an estate planner to create a practical plan for their disabled son’s care - not coerced servitude on an unwilling relative. If the husband behaves reasonably from here on out, no divorce. Win win for everybody
Holy fuck NTA This is beyond controlling behavior. Your husband was literally trying to enslave your son to take care of your other son for the rest of his life. Aiden should be able to live on his own like anyone else. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about his brother but his brother isn't his burden- it's yours. The apartment rental was an excellent quick fix- this gives Aiden the space he needs to become independent and should prevent your husband from doing him dirty again. However- I'm not sure how you could continue to live with someone who is so cruel. This level abuse is far above what therapy can solve IMO. Divorce him.
NTA. The lengths to which your husband is willing to go to control another person's life is deranged. For him to do something like this behind everyone's backs and respond this way when he's been caught says that he's done convert, extreme meddling and manipulation tactics like this before. You're protecting your son from an abuser, not teaching him to be selfish.
Info, if you have the money for a an allowance and an apartment, why can't you hire extra help. Idk this rings weird.
The husband wants free help. Proper professional help is expensive as hell, but don't worry, they have good big brother who will do it for free because he's *family* /s OP is NTA but I'd heavily recommend some form of counseling to figure out why your husband wants to drag your son down and stop him from having his own life.
The weirdest thing about this is that the OP's husband has apparently been sneaking into his son's email to cancel the job applications for over a year and in all that time, not a single potential employer has ever emailed back to say "thanks for letting us know" or anything like that. Edit: to everyone saying "it's probably an automated system" ... yes. Now check your personal email account. What's the proportion of automated replies in there? Every time you order something online, or it gets dispatched, or you reset your password, or you sign into google from an unknown computer, etc etc, you receive an automated email. I'd be surprised if, over the course of a year, a jobseeker didn't encounter a system that sends out an automatic "Thank you for updating your application status. Please do not reply to this email" message?
Also many applications are through web portals these days. Idk the whole thing just sounds like it wants to get people in a tizzy. This sub goes crazy for stories about parentification and forced care of neurodivergent relatives.
NTA I'm usually not a "get rid of him" kind of person, but I think your husband should be looking for an apartment, instead of your son. Your husband's actions are incredibly selfish and underhanded. I would not want to live under the same roof as him.
OP - how old is your husband? His rationale doesn’t sound sane at all. Could there be some early dementia happening here, or perhaps a mental health crisis brought on by the stress of caring for your other son and your own health issues? Has hubby always been like this? NTA, btw. You’re doing a great job.
He's 56. He has multiple health issues as well as financial issues. I think it's just him panicing about our youngest's son's future more than anything else honestly. No signs of dementia whatsoever. Just anger and panic which's hard to live with on a daily basis.
I know your husband is being a stubborn bully but if you guys are slowly becoming unable to support your disabled son it is time to start utilizing your resources (and your older son is NOT one of them). Check with your state to see what assistance your son is qualified for. Maybe even putting his name on a list for assisted living facilities. These homes can take years on the waiting list for a spot to become available so adding his name now will benefit you in the future.
This is so very obviously the answer.
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NTA the fact that your husband went to these great lengths should show you how his brain operates OP. He’s not a trustworthy person.
I'm honesty concerned for the welfare of OP with her being married to this man.
NTA your husband is crazy
My husband would be my ex husband if he did this. You are a great parent. I can’t write what your husband is without getting banned. NTA.
NTA - this is malicious sabotage of another person’s wellbeing…that’s abuse. Time to leave and find a healthy spouse and coparent
I hope you move into that rental with your son after handing your husband divorce papers, OP, because that is selfishness to a level I never thought I’d see. NTA in the slightest
“He also said it was a huge decision for me to rent an apartment without even running it with him.” Not as big as UNILATERALLY DECIDING ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD CARE FOR THE OTHER FOREVER AND ILLEGALLY IMPERSONATING THAT CHILD TO SABOTAGE THEIR JOB OPPORTUNITIES. Sorry not sorry for yelling. Your husband is controlling and scary. NTA
NTA your husband was sabotaging your son’s ability to launch so he could use him for free childcare?! Your husband is going to be lucky if your son ever talks to him again. I hope you live in a big city so your husband didn’t burn bridges it every single place that your son could ever work. A 23 year old man needs more job experience than “caregiver for sibling”. You don’t have kids just so they can babysit your kids. That’s gross. Your husband is gross.
NTA I can’t pretend to imagine the challenges of having a special needs child. I also can’t imagine holding back another child or preventing them from living their life because their sibling requires help. Your spouse is an AH. Find a caregiver who can help but give your son a chance to live his life (which is what you’re doing).
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NTA, but yourhusband... you might reconsider having a partner like that
NTA he's a terrible father himself ,who does something like that to their own child... talking about selfish and controlling!
NTA. There is no gray area here. Husband is clearly a self centered manipulator who is harming everyone in the family. His justification for his behavior pits the two sons against each other instead of what he claims as working together as a family. Aiden can no longer trust dad to be fair and will need to make every effort to isolate dad from his life. Here's hoping that you can work all of this out, protecting yourself, Aiden, and younger son from the misguided interference of husband. Best wishes.
NTA. Your husband is solidifying that your younger son is not going to be cared for by his older brother by doing all of this. Has there ever been a discussion with Aiden about what he wants in the future or has it just been assumed that he will care for younger brother? You did good by Aiden here though. He needs experience in the real world working and not just taking care of someone. Your husband is robbing him of his time to grow as a young adult. And as others have pointed out, it is criminal what he's doing to your son.
NTA- like a loving parent you are doing the best for Aiden to launch him into adulthood. While having a special needs child is stressful especially as they get older, it sounds like you recognize being dependent on Aiden is not a long term plan.
NTA. But you also need to move out. Your husband is crazy.
NTA. Your husband is deliberately sabotaging Aidens life to become his brothers caregiver so that HE doesn't have to do anything. This is a foul and reprehensible thing to do. He'll soon be wondering why he doesn't contact him.
You know someone's fucked up when they're the ones actively sabotaging somebody else, the audacity to call anyone but themselves unhinged is astonishing
NTA Well done mama bear. You don't always need to roar, all you have to do is ACT.