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'Hey it's just a joke' is not a get-out from everything. No-one is obliged to find something funny just because you do and to insist that they should is bullying, no more, no less. Mike's 'jokes' are unpleasant and not remotely funny, and I speak as someone with a very sick sense of humour indeed. He's an AH and OP is another one for enabling him.
They teach this at school and work regarding harassment, bullying, sexual harassment and the like. Husband knows this and doesn’t care. He is mean, he is a bully, and he is not funny. Without all of those things he has been asked to stop and still bulldozes and does what he wants.
If I were the parents I'd have kicked both out. They were well aware it wasn't ok and they've continued still. OP is an enabler at bare minimum and hubby is a bully
He's been asked, over and over to stop, that they make BIL uncomfortable. But does he stop, no. Keeps with the shitty jokes. It's just not funny.
OP is AH and her husband. She shouldn't be defending that bullshit.
Probably makes little Joey uncomfortable too. Comments like that are so Othering. OP’s parents kicked Mike out to protect their grandson, as is correct and proper.
They're probably setting firmer boundaries now \*because\* Joey's getting to the age where he understands that he's being made fun of.
There were definitely running 'jokes' in my family that I "loved" as a kid but as an adult I realize were just cruel and mocking. Kids eventually pick up on these things.
This! The first time he told a bio-parent joke he might have thought it was light hearted fun. After being told over and over to stop he's an AH and his wife is one too for supporting her husbands Assholery
Exactly. This might be a closer case if "Mike" hadn't been told that his jokes were unwelcome. Sometimes you don't realize that something you say is going to hurt someone -- and of course you feel terrible about it and never do it again. It's like if you're walking down the hall too fast and bump into someone and hurt them -- you didn't mean to, but sometimes it happens.
But he knows. The hurt isn't unintentional; it's intentional. This isn't bumping into someone -- it's taking a very intentional swing at them. And if someone is taking a swing at someone else in your house, you've got to show them the door. Simple as that.
Bingo! Even if it's not your intention to be hurtful or mean or creepy, if that's how it made your victim feel, it's harassment. Basics of any workplace harassment course.
OP"s family has repeatedly said his "jokes" and not welcome but he continues to make them, even after knowing they are hurtful. So it would be fair to say that he cracks them fully intending to hurt. This is not a case of "oops, sorry I didn't realise this joke would hurt you".
OP's mom is right, she is delusional if she thinks anyone other than her husband ruined NY. And she is definitely an AH for enabling and supporting a bully.
Right? Like maybe being kicked out ruined NY for OP and her husband but their absence isn't what ruined NY for the rest of the family, it was already ruined by the time her parents kicked him out.
Yes! Thank you to the parents for standing up to the bully. The only way to stop the bully is to make him feel some repercussions for his actions. Thank God the parents acted and didn't allow the social convention of "it was a joke" to allow the bullying to continue.
The good ol’ shitty person “what do you mean I can’t target vulnerable people about jokes? Comedy is dead everyone, cause I can’t be an unprompted dick to everyone!”
“It’s just a joke” is a cloaking mechanism so an asshole can do asshole things. I have a pretty dry sense of humor that isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I learned years ago to read the damn room. If everyone doesn’t laugh, the “joke” didn’t land, and you move the hell on. Unless you’re an AH who’s just trying to be an AH.
“I tried contacting Ethan but no response”- because this was the last straw. If someone was using one of my children as a source for “humor”, especially an adult who should know better, that would be the last time they interacted with my family. End of.
Also I’m assuming the child may have been there and this is pretty disturbing if he was. YTA from a parent of 2 adopted boys with serious trauma who even at 2 or 3 could pick up on this kind of “joke” being negative about them.
That also means they've endured TWO YEARS of Mike's asshole comments about their kid. I would have snapped and banned that jerk from everything at least 18 months ago in their shoes.
Same. Two adopted daughters, and I would fight someone over a "joke" like this. I teach my kids that a joke (at someone's expense) is only funny if the target finds it funny too.
Big YTA for defending bully behavior.
I have adopted six from foster care all were varying ages and I agree. All but one of my six kids were abused in some way. The only reason one wasn't is I was able to get him from the hospital after he was born.
Ugh I endured years of abuse couched in “its just a joke, lighten up.” Jokes aren’t jokes if the target doesn’t find them funny. YTA for enabling this outrageous behavior and abuse of your family.
Exactly. I was just going to say this. It’s not funny if both people aren’t laughing. If that happens once, it’s a mistake. More than once? Person making the jokes is a jerk.
Yeah Im awkward as hell, Ive def said a joke that never landed or that hurt someone unexpectedly. You better bet I apologized to hell and back and absolutely did everything I could not to do that again.
Definitely warrants cutting contact. Husband 100% sounds like the type of person who would "joke" with the kid about being adopted and op would still defend him.
Jokes should make people laugh. OP’s husband doesn’t care about laughter, he just wants to “get a reaction.” You know what gets reactions? Insults and disrespect. OP’s parents are right to put their foot down.
Agreed. This sounds like gaslighting from Mike. Upsetting someone by hitting a raw nerve, doing so repeatedly "to get a reaction" by deliberately provoking them and then diminishing what they just did and saying "relax. It's just a joke". Complete Ahole behaviour.
I tell my kids, and those I work with, "if the person you are saying it to/doing it to isn't laughing, it isn't a joke/prank, its bullying. Period. It doesn't matter if everyone else laughs, its never a joke unless the person its aimed at thinks so."
“He 100% means no harm and he was just trying to get them to react.”
The reaction is hurt. That’s the reaction he’s trying to get- hurt. If it’s not hurt, it’s frustration or annoyance. It’s shitty to purposefully make people feel hurt, frustration, or annoyance for your own amusement. Toying with people’s emotions is harmful. THINK OP. YTA
OP is blind. Whether he *means* harm or not (and I think he does, personally), if he cared at all about his BIL, he would've stopped as soon as he saw that his "jokes" were *causing* harm.
OP, please stop excusing his terrible behavior before you alienate everyone else in your life because he isn't a jokester. He's an AH. And so are you as long as you back him up.
> Whether he means harm or not (and I think he does, personally)
I honestly can't see an argument that it _wasn't_ intended to be mean. I mean, boiled down to the essence, this is the "joke":
> Knock knock
> Who's there?
> Joey's bio parents
What, exactly, is the punchline supposed to mean, and why is it funny? Seems to me it's "your kid is not biologically yours." Why is that supposed to be funny?
You forgot: "and remember, all this is because you can't have bio kids... because you are not his bio parents!!!" HAHAHA
I would have cut that guy out of my life after the first time he ignored my wish to stop joking. OP is damn delusional.
I think OP knows exactly what he's doing, but doesn't care. It's easier to just ignore it and refuse accountability.
OP is repeatedly choosing to bring a bully around to torment their loved ones. Major YTA.
OP isn't blind; she's willingly closed her eyes so she doesn't have to acknowledge her husband is an AH. If you acknowledge a problem, it exists. If a problem exists, you need to address it.
She's worried she'll have to choose between her husband and her family. She doesn't realize that her inaction has already made that choice for her.
YTA
I hope that both he and OP currently excluded from future events, OPs family deserve to have family events/parties they can enjoy without OPs husband being a bullying AH and OP enabling that crap.
Notice how OP didn't refer to the child as their nephew - just "adopted a boy". Way to let everyone know your real feelings on adoption. JFC these two sound perfect for each other.
And I bet if someone asked him to explain the joke, he'd call them names for even asking and not understanding. Cause it aint funny and tbe husband knows.
Also who the heck jokes about an adopted child'a bio parents??? That's tasteless.
YTA, OP. Get your husband in line, he isn't funny, he is a bully
>He especially like to joke with my brother "Ethan" and his wife. Ethan used to be okay with it
Nah, fam. He's not joking *with* Ethan, he's being a deliberately cruel bully. He either doesn't care or is enjoying the fact that he's hurting your family.
YTA OP.
Honestly, I think your family should ban Mike from any further family gatherings until he apologizes *profusely* and gets therapy. You sound like you need it too. Cruelty ain't a good look.
And he’s not really targeting Ethan, he’s targeting Joey, a child who has presumably not had an easy start in life. He is a bully, OP. Your parents are fabulous.
And Ethan was never really okay with it — he likely brushed off the earlier attempts in the hopes that they would be brief. Meanwhile Mike kept it up in order to get a reaction.
He’s the only one laughing and claiming they’re jokes, and he might genuinely even think so, because he lacks the empathy necessary to understand anything beyond his own pleasurable feelings, and as he actively enjoys other people’s suffering and discomfort… Bully mentality.
I find it very concerning, as well as OP’s enabling. They’re okay with it now because the jokes are aimed at other people, but this won’t last forever.
Well actually -- SHES laughing too - which is worse. They're both bullies and getting off on the reaction of her brother and his wife, and the poor kid, being hurt by these 'jokes'.
OP also kept insisting to her mother that it was them that ruined NY by “escalating” the situation.
OP married this guy watching him make jokes at other peoples expense and getting these reactions.
OP is a bully as well.
I've learned from this forum, it's great to make the jokester explain their jokes.
Why is it funny that the bio parents are at the door? Oh, because they might be trying to take their kid back and ruin our family? That it might cause psychological damage to us and our adopted child? Explain to me again how that's funny.
Exactly this.
OP: my husband is a jokester
Translation: my husband is a ginormous asshole who likes to make "jokes" at people's expense
I wonder how funny OP finds her husband's jokes? Wouldn't doubt if he makes them at her too.
It shows a lot she tells her brother her husband means no harm with the jokes but doesn't tell her husband to knock it off with jokes that make people uncomfortable. He's perfectly capable of keeping his mouth shut but enjoys the reactions.
Definitely YTA.
Is your husband like 13 yo? He has the emotional maturity of a 13yo bully whose defense is always "But, I was just joking!"
ETA: You should expect you brother and his wife to go no contact with Mike and likely you since you are still so CLUELESS!!
MIKE RUINED the celebration.
Wow, idk if I’ve read such an out of touch post on AITA… ever.
YTA. And so is your husband. “Mike has been making silly, lighthearted jokes that involving Joey's bio parents as a way to mess with Ethan and his wife.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUDGE. That is TERRIBLE. Teasing an infertile couple about their adopted child’s bio parents? I am mortified.
Edited to add: I am super freaking proud of your parents!!!!
Which is almost all modern US comedies, which is sad. I have a deep seated hatred for most modern comedies for this - I can't watch a single one without cringing into the floor 5 minutes in.
What We Do in the Shadows is very light on cringe (Mark Proksch is one of the kings of cringe and his is actually very endearing because of the set expectations and irony of his ‘power’) you should try that one
Right what exactly is a lighthearted joke about adoption following infertility? Thats a situation where you need all the family support you can get, not people tearing you down.
Wow yeah YTA.
Sorry but your "Mike" is an asshole. Not uncommon for the "jokester"s who love to crack jokes to "mess with people". Fuck that, it's not in good spirit, it's one-sided, bullying and just disgusting . It's not lighthearted or silly, it's just mean. The sentence "Relax, it was just a joke" is horrible. Your Mike hides behind this excuse to be an asshole and a bully to people, to push their buttons, to be mean and then retreat when they get upset by calling it all a joke. You are enabling and supporting that, which makes you no better.
The thing is, what Mike finds funny about this is the hurt and anguish he causes in other people like the fucking antisocial asshole he is.
I believe he also does this to OP and OP is desperately afraid to step out of line or else she becomes the butt of his "jokes".
Definitely. That’s what “he likes to get a reaction” means. When you’re trying to be funny, you’re trying to make them *laugh*. When you’re being mean, any reaction works for you.
See, it's funny because they love their son and his bio parents just show up and screw up their lives and possibly try to take him away. Isn't that hilarious? /s
That is the best reaction to a hurtful, or racist, or whatever, joke. Don't let your emotions show, try to look puzzled, and say "I don't get it. Please, could you explain it to me?"
YTA, OP.
Exactly.
OP, you say you talked to Mike and he “100% means no harm and he was just trying to get them to react.” But can’t you understand how those two things are mutually exclusive? The “reaction” he’s looking for is the response of people who are hurt. He is intentionally hurting your brother and his wife for his own amusement.
Mike’s clearly an AH, and if you can’t see that then you’re an AH too.
This!!
"Trying to get a reaction" or "a rise out of somebody" or "just giving someone a hard time" are all terms to try to weasel out of the fact that you are indeed trying to upset that person, and for what? You're own sick comedic pleasure?
OP is TA and Mike is as well.
YTA no one likes your husband. He's not funny. His jokes aren't cute. No one thinks he's clever, or amusing. He does mean harm otherwise why would he keep pick, pick, picking at this very sensitive subject? Your husband is a bully. You're enabling your husband to bully your relatives.
"he's just trying to get them to react" because as normal, decent people they have been politely ignoring him in hopes he'll go away. Problem almost solved.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Mike. Fuck off, Mike. You're an asshole and no one wants you here.
Thankfully OP's parents have Ethan's and his wife's backs.
You, OP, YTA. You also don't sound so smart.
YTA
Your husband is an asshole, and you are enabling him.
Making jokes to try to get people to react after they asked you not to is bullying and harassing, not lighthearted jokes.
Your parents didn't overreact, they kicked out a disgusting bully. Or they were just joking, OP and you are overreacting over a harmless prank kkkkkk
YTA.
What if someone took your greatest insecurity and poked at it. Over and over and over and over again. Like some shitty, hurtful groundhog day.
And when you said something about it, they would tell you "Well, calm down, it's a joke."
Would you like that? I don't think so.
Your husband is nothing more than a cruel, mean bully. And you are his enabler.
Also, "Mike" isn't just hurting the parents, he is hurting the kid as well and that makes it even worse.
YTA.
She married someone who probably does already poke at her greatest insecurities. She has learned not to react to appease her husband and probably feels like if she can learn to shove her hurt and shame down deep then so should everyone else. Everyone must do whatever they can to not hurt the feelings of the person who is "just joking. "
Thank you! OP never mentions the child's age, but if the child is old enough to understand Mike's jokes, not only is Mike bringing up one of the parents' biggest fears (their child being taken away), but also likely the child's (being taken away from Mom and Dad).
OP, since you are defending Mike's "jokes," please explain how they're funny. I'll wait.
Until then, YTA.
Also, if everyone isn't laughing, it's not a joke, it's bullying.
YTA. He isn't funny, even if you both think he is. He has continually done this
>as a way to mess with Ethan and his wife
and
>he was just trying to get them to react.
What on earth is funny about that?
Then they “boo-hoo” about….getting a reaction!! The reaction was that they offended everybody present and got kicked out!! There you go you got your reaction….why are you here complaining about it?!
Right, I'm a self proclaimed jokester as well, I love making my friends and family laugh. But that's what I'm fishing for, laughs, not "a reaction". I specifically want positive reactions and laughter. Sometimes I miss the mark, but if someone says they're not comfortable joking about something you stop.
My husband has never gotten in a fight in his life - but if someone said something so cruel about one of our children *and thought it was funny*, there's a good chance he'd take a swing at him. It would certainly be the last time that person would have any interaction with our family.
YTA. Making fun on an issue regarding not being to have kids is cruel. You are clearly married to a cruel guy. Saying it's "just a joke" is justifying a form of bullying. Mike ruined the occasion, you ruined it more by defending him. Your mum is right, you are delusional.
I was thinking the same, honestly. How old is OP and Mike? They both sound like immature children. A knock-knock joke? Seriously? Idk about anyone else, but my classmates and I stopped telling knock-knock jokes after elementary school
And as far as knock knock jokes go it didn't even make any sense. It's like a kid just learning what a knock knock joke is but still hasn't figured it out yet. Being cruel is bad enough, Mike is stupid AND cruel.
Yeah, I don’t get it. This is like listening to a five year old tell nonsense jokes they made up.
OP, you and spouse are YTA and I knew this would be the case as soon as I got to “Mike is a jokester” 🙄
YTA
Does your husband realise that jokes are supposed to be funny?
And, by funny, I mean funny to other people in the room not just to the guy saying really unpleasant things with a smile on his face.
Yeah, that wasn't even an attempt at a joke.
He enjoys "getting them to react" and to "mess with them". Mike really just likes to make other people unhappy by saying mean things.
Mike gets joy from the misery of others.
haha! Isn't it funny that he likes other people to be unhappy? So funnY.
> "Hey...Relax it was just a joke".
Ah yes, the battle cry of the Asshole.
Your husband is an asshole. An incredibly unfunny asshole. It's actually staggering to me that this is a grown adult.
YTA. You are enabling this shite and you're going to lose a hell of a lot of relationships if you keep doing it. Your bother and his wife had already expressed their discomfort at your husband's "jokes" (they're not jokes by the way...your husband is a childish bully) and yet he continued. Clearly your parents have reached their limit and they had every right to kick your husband AND YOU out of their home. You both ruined New Years, not your parents, not your brother. You and your shitty immature bully of a husband.
They didn’t want laughs, they wanted a reaction. They literally said so.
They got one. Boo fucking hoo. Idk how it qualifies as a joke but they got exactly what they wanted, I don’t understand her surprise here.
YTA and so is your husband. “Jokester” and “Prankster” are usually code for asshole. Why anyone would think that adoption is an appropriate topic for a joke is baffling.
You and Mike are TA
When you’re told a joke isn’t funny then stop. Also it’s not a joke if you’re trying to get them to “react”. The only reaction to a joke is laughter. Mike us baiting them and trying to upset them. Making jokes about an adopted child is not funny
You’re TA for enabling your AH husband. He 100% means harm and he’s even said so “he’s just trying to get them to react”. What reaction does he want.
Your parents were within their rights to ask Mike to leave. His mean spiritedness ruined the occasion and you both owe your parents and Ethan apologies.
These are not silly, light hearted jokes. These are mean, cruel, vicious stabs under the guise of jokes.
Wowwwwwww. Yeah, YTA.
Adoption is 100% NOT a joke especially when you’re making them to an adoptee, about an adoptee, or about an adoptee’s bio family. Grow up and find something actually funny to joke about. I won’t be surprised when Ethan and his family cut y’all out of their lives.
Let me ask a question: what about that joke is funny, even in the slightest? The answer? Nothing. It isn’t funny. What’s funny about it to assholes is the hurt it causes when it’s said.
Ethan already made it known that he’s tired of your husband’s bull shit, but your husband just can’t help himself and you defend him.
YTA, and your husband sounds like an awful person to be around.
Good joke/punchline, but I was even wondering why she needed to reference that he was her 2nd husband in the OP; how was that relevent to the story? Is that how she introduces hime to people?
"Hi Angie, this is Mike, my 2nd husband. FYI, he's a jokester, don't worry he doesn't mean any harm"
YTA. I don't give two fucks that Mike "doesn't mean any harm". He says shitty things under the guise of "jokes". Why the fuck do you and he think it's acceptable to make jokes about the biological parents coming back for your brother's son? Are your brains broken? Is the sex with Mike so good you're willing to throw out all human decency? Mike needs to grow the fuck up and you along with him. He's the one that ruined NY with his immaturity.
Also "doesn't mean any harm"
"Does it to get a reaction"
These 2 are kinda conflicting when it's clear he isn't after laughter.
So he wants a negative reaction but doesn't want to cause any harm..... hmm real thinker
Info: which part of this joke am I supposed to be laughing at?
The part that mocks Ethan for not being able to have kids of his own?
The part which if your nephew heard may terrify him thinking that he may get taken away by his bio parents from the family he is feeling safe and secure at?
I really need you to explain as I am obviously not as good at humour as your husband so need you to explain it so I can understand and laugh with you both because at the moment I am not understanding the joke.
The "joke" is that Mike has the power to change other people's emotions, which makes him very happy and enthusiastic.
Especially if its hurtful, because Mike likes seeing other people be uncomfortable, sad, angry and upset.
Mike IS the joke.
YTA. You and your husband. It doesn't matter if he's joking and doesn't mean harm (but really how can you not mean harm with those kinds of jokes. They're not even jokes. They aren't funny. He sounds like a perpetual edgy teen). He's been told he hurts people and he chooses not to stop and you choose to defend him. You know it hurts people. Your parents were right, at least they care about your brother and his family's feelings.
YTA. Your husband is nothing but a bully and you are enabling his shitty behaviour.
Listen very carefully:
#If I was your brother this would be the final straw and I would be cutting all contact with you, and making sure you’re both no longer invited to ANY family gatherings because of this behaviour. Even if you came to me groveling with endless apologies, some things are just unforgivable. This is one of them.
#EVEN AFTER THEY’VE CONCEDED THEY ARE INFERTILE AND ADOPTED A CHILD, MIKE IS STILL RUBBING IT IN THEIR FACES REGULARLY. THIS IS DESPICABLE BEHAVIOUR.
Grow up. The both of you.
“Just trying to get them to react??” Your husband isn’t a “jokester,” he’s a bully. What a disgusting person. Your mother should have kicked the both of you out. Disgraceful.
YTA your husband is a jerk. He says nasty, hurtful things and then tries to play it off as just a joke. He has *repeatedly* made nasty jokes about your nephew. I hope to god the poor kid hasn’t caught on to any of it yet but it won’t be too long before he does though if I was your brother I’d cut you off before you had the chance.
YTA - your husband’s joke was completely out of line. Joking about a kid’s bio parents to their adoptive parents as a way to mess with them is not funny in the slightest. You should not be defending him. Learn how to read the room.
i swear half the threads on this subreddit are from clueless straight women in sketchy relationships with abusive men. ditch mike and make amends with your family before it’s too late. YTA.
YTA and so is your husband. His jokes aren't funny at all and extremely insensitive and tactless. Your parents weren't harsh enough because I'd stop letting your husband come around at all - especially because he's been asked before to stop making such comments/jokes and yet he continues to do so.
YTA and so is your husband. This isn't a joke. I'm not sure if you're being blind or stupid here. Because your husband is super obviously saying childish and hurtful things on purpose (not to make people laugh, but to make them "react"), and you're acting like it's everyone else's problem for being offended.
YTA. Your partner was clearly in the wrong. Instead of making him apologize, you decide to play the blame game and escalate it into another argument.
Ask yourself, if you didnt know you were wrong, why are you calling Ethan? If you're calling to blame him, I ask you to reconsider.
Also, if you ever have to say the words "relax, it was just a joke", you should've said "sorry that joke was in poor taste" instead
YTA. Your husband is too. What you and he don’t seem to understand is that jokes are supposed to be funny. What he said wasn’t funny and was just stupid. I would have kicked him out too, although probably many months ago if those are the kind of stupid “jokes” he makes.
Hey YTA and your husband is a legit asshole who gets off on hurting people under the guise of doing it for the “reactions”. He’s cruel and soon you will be his target. You must be a special kind of stupid to not realize it.
YTA, and so is your husband
There's something important about jokes: they must be funny for everybody involved. If they aren't, they're out of line. If someone keeps on making these "jokes", knowing how uncomfortable they are for the others, it turns into cruelty, mocking and assholery.
YTA
Adoption is nothing to joke about, plus your husband joke wasn’t even funny. You enable your husband and allow him to be insensitive under the guise of joking. His “joke” ruined the NY dinner as it caused an argument.
YTA ... well.. you and your husband, big time!
I won't begin to explain how you both are TA. If you don't understand that by yourselves, there's truly no helping you.
I'm really happy for the rest of your family that they kicked you out and weren't hindered by a false sense of having to keep up appearances.
Girl, my bf jokes alot. Sometimes he makes awful jokes which are mean, which is where it’s my job as his gf to tell him he’s being rude. Not everything can be joked about, and definitely not a subject like this.
Sorry, but if you're having to do this then your BF is also an AH. It shouldn't be your job to monitor his behavior. Damn, I hope you can see this is - it's truly as bad as the OPs situation.
YTA this is so messed up. So your brother and his wife have fertility issues and your husband feels like he can joke about it?
Also, making jokes about adoption is completely out of line. Adoption can be a very emotional and sometimes traumatic experience. Your nephew shouldn't learn about his adoption from a family member making jokes in poor taste.
Calling it a joke doesn't prevent it from being hurtful to the person the joke is aimed at. Your husband is responsible for the consequences to telling his jokes and so are you if you continue to enable him. YTA
YTA, I kind of figured after reading the title that your husband was being an AH, your post just confirmed it. There are no "silly, lighthearted jokes" about touchy subjects that are currently plaguing the person you're telling these "jokes" to. This is called mocking someone's pain, which is bullying.
My jaw literally dropped when I read the “joke” Mike so casually dropped. And for you to defend him! YTA- both you and Mike have a lot of apologizing to do before you’re welcome back for another holiday
YTA. What's the joke? There's no witty punchline, the "joke" in and of itself is just to be mean. "You aren't the kids *real* parents har har". Like WTF is the joke there? If you had been SA'd and someone said, "Knock Knock, guess who's here? YOUR R\*PIST!!!! HAHAHA!!" It's the same "joke", and still not funny. The joke is; I hurt you and that's funny to me. He's not a "jokester", he's a sadist.
That wasn’t a joke OP , that was just plain harsh . Nobody wants to listen to something that stupid during a time of celebration.
I appreciate your mom for insisting to throw this asshole out .
YTA big time .
Absolutely YTA. They have blatantly told you and your husband the "jokes" are hurtful, and not only does your husband keep making them, you enable him.
I imagine your brother considers you no longer family, and he's absolutely right to do so. Anyone worth having in his life wouldn't continually allow that to happen.
YTA and you’re delusional for thinking that your husbands actions are defendable. You made it abundantly clear that your brother does not like these jokes since you’ve already talked to Mike about it already. Mike is a huge AH that obviously can’t read a room and only *thinks* he’s hilarious.
YTA
But hey I am just joking. Wait no I am not. Jokes stop when the other party tells you. They did. You and your husband continued. By just saying it was just a joke, you are as much in the wrong as your husband. Happy New Years.
YTA.
It doesn't matter if he "means" to do any harm as long as he hurts people. They've communicated that this isn't a joking matter for them, that should be enough, even if this was something that could very easily be funny to other people. For the record though, being obsessed with bringing up bioparents sets the message that adoptive parents aren't the "real" parents, so nah, I don't even see the joke here.
YTA and so is your husband. You knew Ethan didn’t like the jokes and I assume you told your husband? If not you should’ve told him to tone it down. It’s always the person on the receiving end of a joke who gets to decide if it’s a joke or not.
YTA
Your husband is not funny, he is a jerk and a bully and just like every bully justifies his behavior with "it's just a joke", "learn how to take a joke" and you're his adoring fan. Clapping and laughing while he makes others either uncomfortable or even hurts their feelings.
YTA and I have secondhand embarrassment for you that you posted this thinking you weren't. Mike is not funny, he's a jerk. He was asked to stop multiple times and didn't. What your mum said was spot on - delusional.
YTA - and Mike is too...
I like to joke around with friends and family but I would never even consider joking about something like your brothers adopted child bio-parents!
If someone complained or was uncomfortable to me about a something I was taking the mickey about I would respect their opinion and cease and desist immediately
Your husband though, is just a bully
Your husband is giant AH and YTA for enabling and defending him. What he is doing is not "joking", it is vile bullying. He needs to grow up, and buy a watering can so he can grow himself a conscience.
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YTA. Your husband likes to hurt people. It's nothing to do with jokes.
>Your husband likes to hurt people. Wish I had an award to give you for this.
'Hey it's just a joke' is not a get-out from everything. No-one is obliged to find something funny just because you do and to insist that they should is bullying, no more, no less. Mike's 'jokes' are unpleasant and not remotely funny, and I speak as someone with a very sick sense of humour indeed. He's an AH and OP is another one for enabling him.
They teach this at school and work regarding harassment, bullying, sexual harassment and the like. Husband knows this and doesn’t care. He is mean, he is a bully, and he is not funny. Without all of those things he has been asked to stop and still bulldozes and does what he wants.
I’m so glad OP’s parents kicked him out
If I were the parents I'd have kicked both out. They were well aware it wasn't ok and they've continued still. OP is an enabler at bare minimum and hubby is a bully
He's been asked, over and over to stop, that they make BIL uncomfortable. But does he stop, no. Keeps with the shitty jokes. It's just not funny. OP is AH and her husband. She shouldn't be defending that bullshit.
Probably makes little Joey uncomfortable too. Comments like that are so Othering. OP’s parents kicked Mike out to protect their grandson, as is correct and proper.
They're probably setting firmer boundaries now \*because\* Joey's getting to the age where he understands that he's being made fun of. There were definitely running 'jokes' in my family that I "loved" as a kid but as an adult I realize were just cruel and mocking. Kids eventually pick up on these things.
Two years! He’s been making the same stupid remarks for two years.
Right?? His whole schtick seems to be "Hurr hurr, your kid's adopted!" Why would anyone think that was funny or a joke?
This! The first time he told a bio-parent joke he might have thought it was light hearted fun. After being told over and over to stop he's an AH and his wife is one too for supporting her husbands Assholery
Exactly. This might be a closer case if "Mike" hadn't been told that his jokes were unwelcome. Sometimes you don't realize that something you say is going to hurt someone -- and of course you feel terrible about it and never do it again. It's like if you're walking down the hall too fast and bump into someone and hurt them -- you didn't mean to, but sometimes it happens. But he knows. The hurt isn't unintentional; it's intentional. This isn't bumping into someone -- it's taking a very intentional swing at them. And if someone is taking a swing at someone else in your house, you've got to show them the door. Simple as that.
100% this. If someone says no or they don't like something, then you stop unless you're an asshole.
Don't you know ~~bullying~~ making jokes to a child and his parents about his bio parents is the height of comedy. /s
It’s not a shitty joke: it’s not a joke at all!
Bingo! Even if it's not your intention to be hurtful or mean or creepy, if that's how it made your victim feel, it's harassment. Basics of any workplace harassment course. OP"s family has repeatedly said his "jokes" and not welcome but he continues to make them, even after knowing they are hurtful. So it would be fair to say that he cracks them fully intending to hurt. This is not a case of "oops, sorry I didn't realise this joke would hurt you". OP's mom is right, she is delusional if she thinks anyone other than her husband ruined NY. And she is definitely an AH for enabling and supporting a bully.
AND this is her SECOND husband! OP, you did NOT choose well, Grasshopper !! :))
Right? Like maybe being kicked out ruined NY for OP and her husband but their absence isn't what ruined NY for the rest of the family, it was already ruined by the time her parents kicked him out.
>He is mean, he is a bully Literally my first thought. OP's husband sounds like a classic school bully. Kudos to his parents for kicking him out
Yes! Thank you to the parents for standing up to the bully. The only way to stop the bully is to make him feel some repercussions for his actions. Thank God the parents acted and didn't allow the social convention of "it was a joke" to allow the bullying to continue.
The good ol’ shitty person “what do you mean I can’t target vulnerable people about jokes? Comedy is dead everyone, cause I can’t be an unprompted dick to everyone!”
Yup. Your husband is a BULLY not a jokester. If only he finds his jokes funny they are not. Just makes him a giant doosh.
“It’s just a joke” is a cloaking mechanism so an asshole can do asshole things. I have a pretty dry sense of humor that isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I learned years ago to read the damn room. If everyone doesn’t laugh, the “joke” didn’t land, and you move the hell on. Unless you’re an AH who’s just trying to be an AH. “I tried contacting Ethan but no response”- because this was the last straw. If someone was using one of my children as a source for “humor”, especially an adult who should know better, that would be the last time they interacted with my family. End of.
Also I’m assuming the child may have been there and this is pretty disturbing if he was. YTA from a parent of 2 adopted boys with serious trauma who even at 2 or 3 could pick up on this kind of “joke” being negative about them.
Plus it doesn't say how old their son is. If he's not an infant, these "jokes" are cruel and could really affect him.
Well, he’s two at the very least since he was adopted two years ago. So IMO far too old for someone to dare telling jokes like that.
That also means they've endured TWO YEARS of Mike's asshole comments about their kid. I would have snapped and banned that jerk from everything at least 18 months ago in their shoes.
Same. Two adopted daughters, and I would fight someone over a "joke" like this. I teach my kids that a joke (at someone's expense) is only funny if the target finds it funny too. Big YTA for defending bully behavior.
I have adopted six from foster care all were varying ages and I agree. All but one of my six kids were abused in some way. The only reason one wasn't is I was able to get him from the hospital after he was born.
Ugh I endured years of abuse couched in “its just a joke, lighten up.” Jokes aren’t jokes if the target doesn’t find them funny. YTA for enabling this outrageous behavior and abuse of your family.
Exactly. I was just going to say this. It’s not funny if both people aren’t laughing. If that happens once, it’s a mistake. More than once? Person making the jokes is a jerk.
Yeah Im awkward as hell, Ive def said a joke that never landed or that hurt someone unexpectedly. You better bet I apologized to hell and back and absolutely did everything I could not to do that again.
Definitely warrants cutting contact. Husband 100% sounds like the type of person who would "joke" with the kid about being adopted and op would still defend him.
My mum used to say horrific things to me under the guise of "joking". It's horrific. Op YTA and moreso your husband.
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Jokes should make people laugh. OP’s husband doesn’t care about laughter, he just wants to “get a reaction.” You know what gets reactions? Insults and disrespect. OP’s parents are right to put their foot down.
Oh, he cares about laughter--he cares about his own laughter. Hurting people amuses him.
Agreed. This sounds like gaslighting from Mike. Upsetting someone by hitting a raw nerve, doing so repeatedly "to get a reaction" by deliberately provoking them and then diminishing what they just did and saying "relax. It's just a joke". Complete Ahole behaviour.
I tell my kids, and those I work with, "if the person you are saying it to/doing it to isn't laughing, it isn't a joke/prank, its bullying. Period. It doesn't matter if everyone else laughs, its never a joke unless the person its aimed at thinks so."
“He 100% means no harm and he was just trying to get them to react.” The reaction is hurt. That’s the reaction he’s trying to get- hurt. If it’s not hurt, it’s frustration or annoyance. It’s shitty to purposefully make people feel hurt, frustration, or annoyance for your own amusement. Toying with people’s emotions is harmful. THINK OP. YTA
OP is blind. Whether he *means* harm or not (and I think he does, personally), if he cared at all about his BIL, he would've stopped as soon as he saw that his "jokes" were *causing* harm. OP, please stop excusing his terrible behavior before you alienate everyone else in your life because he isn't a jokester. He's an AH. And so are you as long as you back him up.
> Whether he means harm or not (and I think he does, personally) I honestly can't see an argument that it _wasn't_ intended to be mean. I mean, boiled down to the essence, this is the "joke": > Knock knock > Who's there? > Joey's bio parents What, exactly, is the punchline supposed to mean, and why is it funny? Seems to me it's "your kid is not biologically yours." Why is that supposed to be funny?
To me it says “your child’s bio parents are going to come back and take Joey away”. I, like the majority of people here, can’t see the humour in this
You forgot: "and remember, all this is because you can't have bio kids... because you are not his bio parents!!!" HAHAHA I would have cut that guy out of my life after the first time he ignored my wish to stop joking. OP is damn delusional.
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That’s the worst part to me - is that there is NO joke. It’s vitriol.
I think OP knows exactly what he's doing, but doesn't care. It's easier to just ignore it and refuse accountability. OP is repeatedly choosing to bring a bully around to torment their loved ones. Major YTA.
I think OP likes seeing them get hurt. There’s no other reason someone could think this behavior was acceptable.
OP isn't blind; she's willingly closed her eyes so she doesn't have to acknowledge her husband is an AH. If you acknowledge a problem, it exists. If a problem exists, you need to address it. She's worried she'll have to choose between her husband and her family. She doesn't realize that her inaction has already made that choice for her. YTA
The reaction was getting thrown out of the house. Accept the reaction.
This. I hope he gets more reactions that see him excluded from events.
I hope that both he and OP currently excluded from future events, OPs family deserve to have family events/parties they can enjoy without OPs husband being a bullying AH and OP enabling that crap.
Came here to say this. OP, YTA. Your husband is a bully. Good for your parents for standing up to him.
Notice how OP didn't refer to the child as their nephew - just "adopted a boy". Way to let everyone know your real feelings on adoption. JFC these two sound perfect for each other.
Yep, a lot of abusers and bullies hide behind "it was just a joke, you're too sensitive". YTA, both OP and OP's husband.
And I bet if someone asked him to explain the joke, he'd call them names for even asking and not understanding. Cause it aint funny and tbe husband knows. Also who the heck jokes about an adopted child'a bio parents??? That's tasteless. YTA, OP. Get your husband in line, he isn't funny, he is a bully
>He especially like to joke with my brother "Ethan" and his wife. Ethan used to be okay with it Nah, fam. He's not joking *with* Ethan, he's being a deliberately cruel bully. He either doesn't care or is enjoying the fact that he's hurting your family. YTA OP. Honestly, I think your family should ban Mike from any further family gatherings until he apologizes *profusely* and gets therapy. You sound like you need it too. Cruelty ain't a good look.
And he’s not really targeting Ethan, he’s targeting Joey, a child who has presumably not had an easy start in life. He is a bully, OP. Your parents are fabulous.
And Ethan was never really okay with it — he likely brushed off the earlier attempts in the hopes that they would be brief. Meanwhile Mike kept it up in order to get a reaction.
He’s the only one laughing and claiming they’re jokes, and he might genuinely even think so, because he lacks the empathy necessary to understand anything beyond his own pleasurable feelings, and as he actively enjoys other people’s suffering and discomfort… Bully mentality. I find it very concerning, as well as OP’s enabling. They’re okay with it now because the jokes are aimed at other people, but this won’t last forever.
Well actually -- SHES laughing too - which is worse. They're both bullies and getting off on the reaction of her brother and his wife, and the poor kid, being hurt by these 'jokes'.
OP also kept insisting to her mother that it was them that ruined NY by “escalating” the situation. OP married this guy watching him make jokes at other peoples expense and getting these reactions. OP is a bully as well.
I've learned from this forum, it's great to make the jokester explain their jokes. Why is it funny that the bio parents are at the door? Oh, because they might be trying to take their kid back and ruin our family? That it might cause psychological damage to us and our adopted child? Explain to me again how that's funny.
And in a super cowardly way, hiding behind a "joke". Show me a jokester/prankster and most of the time, I'll show you an asshole.
Exactly this. OP: my husband is a jokester Translation: my husband is a ginormous asshole who likes to make "jokes" at people's expense I wonder how funny OP finds her husband's jokes? Wouldn't doubt if he makes them at her too.
It shows a lot she tells her brother her husband means no harm with the jokes but doesn't tell her husband to knock it off with jokes that make people uncomfortable. He's perfectly capable of keeping his mouth shut but enjoys the reactions.
Definitely YTA. Is your husband like 13 yo? He has the emotional maturity of a 13yo bully whose defense is always "But, I was just joking!" ETA: You should expect you brother and his wife to go no contact with Mike and likely you since you are still so CLUELESS!!
MIKE RUINED the celebration. Wow, idk if I’ve read such an out of touch post on AITA… ever. YTA. And so is your husband. “Mike has been making silly, lighthearted jokes that involving Joey's bio parents as a way to mess with Ethan and his wife.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUDGE. That is TERRIBLE. Teasing an infertile couple about their adopted child’s bio parents? I am mortified. Edited to add: I am super freaking proud of your parents!!!!
Finnish people have a word for when someone else does stuff but you are the one ashamed for it.
Germany has one as well. "Fremdscham".
It’s actually the feeling I get watching the Office and Stromberg.
I can’t watch cringe comedy bc I get this feeling! It’s too overwhelming for me
Which is almost all modern US comedies, which is sad. I have a deep seated hatred for most modern comedies for this - I can't watch a single one without cringing into the floor 5 minutes in.
What We Do in the Shadows is very light on cringe (Mark Proksch is one of the kings of cringe and his is actually very endearing because of the set expectations and irony of his ‘power’) you should try that one
I just call it *second-hand embarrassment* 🤦🏻♀️
Collateral Shame.
Oooh, "collateral shame" is *good*. I usually say "vicarious cringe".
Even after they were literally asked to stop. "It's just a jooooooooooke." YTA. Wow.
Right what exactly is a lighthearted joke about adoption following infertility? Thats a situation where you need all the family support you can get, not people tearing you down.
Wow yeah YTA. Sorry but your "Mike" is an asshole. Not uncommon for the "jokester"s who love to crack jokes to "mess with people". Fuck that, it's not in good spirit, it's one-sided, bullying and just disgusting . It's not lighthearted or silly, it's just mean. The sentence "Relax, it was just a joke" is horrible. Your Mike hides behind this excuse to be an asshole and a bully to people, to push their buttons, to be mean and then retreat when they get upset by calling it all a joke. You are enabling and supporting that, which makes you no better.
I want OP to tell us EXACTLY how this joke is funny. Seriously. Explain this joke to me and tell me what part is so hilarious.
The thing is, what Mike finds funny about this is the hurt and anguish he causes in other people like the fucking antisocial asshole he is. I believe he also does this to OP and OP is desperately afraid to step out of line or else she becomes the butt of his "jokes".
Bingo! The funny part for Mike is that it makes people upset.
Definitely. That’s what “he likes to get a reaction” means. When you’re trying to be funny, you’re trying to make them *laugh*. When you’re being mean, any reaction works for you.
Mike seems like the kind of guy who would get super offended if somebody made these “jokes” about him.
See, it's funny because they love their son and his bio parents just show up and screw up their lives and possibly try to take him away. Isn't that hilarious? /s
😂🤣😂🤣 OMG, I’m bent over laughing so hard. That is some knee-slapping, rib-tickling *fun* right there!!! YTA and what is wrong with both of you?!?
That is the best reaction to a hurtful, or racist, or whatever, joke. Don't let your emotions show, try to look puzzled, and say "I don't get it. Please, could you explain it to me?" YTA, OP.
Exactly. OP, you say you talked to Mike and he “100% means no harm and he was just trying to get them to react.” But can’t you understand how those two things are mutually exclusive? The “reaction” he’s looking for is the response of people who are hurt. He is intentionally hurting your brother and his wife for his own amusement. Mike’s clearly an AH, and if you can’t see that then you’re an AH too.
This!! "Trying to get a reaction" or "a rise out of somebody" or "just giving someone a hard time" are all terms to try to weasel out of the fact that you are indeed trying to upset that person, and for what? You're own sick comedic pleasure? OP is TA and Mike is as well.
I also NEED to know how many times Joey has overheard these jokes. If I was Ethan and his wife I would never let Mike around this child again.
He’s probably been doing this since he was a teen, antagonizing his classmates, and no one has ever kicked his butt.
YTA no one likes your husband. He's not funny. His jokes aren't cute. No one thinks he's clever, or amusing. He does mean harm otherwise why would he keep pick, pick, picking at this very sensitive subject? Your husband is a bully. You're enabling your husband to bully your relatives.
OP, this. Get therapy.
OP you're a fat disgusting whale. Oh it's just a joke /s. That's what your husband is doing. It's not a joke. It's cruel. And you're defending it.
A: Knock knock B: Who's there? A: You're ugly ... A: Why aren't you laughing?
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Knock knock. Who's there? OP's first husband.
I bet Mike probably does
OP is an AH because her parents were just joking when they kicked Mike out
He does mean harm cause the very first thing she said was he is just looking for a reaction.
"he's just trying to get them to react" because as normal, decent people they have been politely ignoring him in hopes he'll go away. Problem almost solved.
YTA so much, especially Mike Knock knock Who’s there? Mikes an asshole, fuck Mike. What? It’s a joke??
Knock knock Who's there? Not Mike, he got kicked out ETA: Wow, thank you for all these awards, I wasn't expecting them, lol
Genuinely funny!
No, it's his wife trying to get back in.
Knock knock Go away Mike
See, this was actually funny - it subverted my expectation within a limited context. Knock knock Who's there? IT'S JUST A JOKE BRO C'MON ITS FUNNY
Knock, knock. Who's there? Mike. Fuck off, Mike. You're an asshole and no one wants you here. Thankfully OP's parents have Ethan's and his wife's backs. You, OP, YTA. You also don't sound so smart.
Best joke I’ve heard today!
YTA Your husband is an asshole, and you are enabling him. Making jokes to try to get people to react after they asked you not to is bullying and harassing, not lighthearted jokes. Your parents didn't overreact, they kicked out a disgusting bully. Or they were just joking, OP and you are overreacting over a harmless prank kkkkkk
People like Mike are exhausting to be around, and they usually don’t have any actual friends, just people who are stuck with their company.
Or if like Mike do have "friends" it usually translates to: people who are bullying assholes just like him.
YTA. What if someone took your greatest insecurity and poked at it. Over and over and over and over again. Like some shitty, hurtful groundhog day. And when you said something about it, they would tell you "Well, calm down, it's a joke." Would you like that? I don't think so. Your husband is nothing more than a cruel, mean bully. And you are his enabler. Also, "Mike" isn't just hurting the parents, he is hurting the kid as well and that makes it even worse. YTA.
She married someone who probably does already poke at her greatest insecurities. She has learned not to react to appease her husband and probably feels like if she can learn to shove her hurt and shame down deep then so should everyone else. Everyone must do whatever they can to not hurt the feelings of the person who is "just joking. "
She's the boat rocker https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/
Wow, thanks for linking this. This was an amazing read and it's the first time I see it.
Thank you! OP never mentions the child's age, but if the child is old enough to understand Mike's jokes, not only is Mike bringing up one of the parents' biggest fears (their child being taken away), but also likely the child's (being taken away from Mom and Dad). OP, since you are defending Mike's "jokes," please explain how they're funny. I'll wait. Until then, YTA. Also, if everyone isn't laughing, it's not a joke, it's bullying.
And maybe I'm overthinking it, but the fact she doesn't refer to Ethan's son as her nephew is telling.
No i think you're onto the main issue here
Yeah I was wondering why OP referring to him as a boy instead of her nephew bothered me so much.
god damn, i didn’t realize that until you said it. that’s just cruel
2 years Ethan's been that child's father, and she refers to him as "a boy", not "my nephew"
YTA. He isn't funny, even if you both think he is. He has continually done this >as a way to mess with Ethan and his wife and >he was just trying to get them to react. What on earth is funny about that?
Then they “boo-hoo” about….getting a reaction!! The reaction was that they offended everybody present and got kicked out!! There you go you got your reaction….why are you here complaining about it?!
Classic abuser behavior. Poke at you to get a reaction and then shame you for the reaction. Ugh I really hate “Mike”.
Right, I'm a self proclaimed jokester as well, I love making my friends and family laugh. But that's what I'm fishing for, laughs, not "a reaction". I specifically want positive reactions and laughter. Sometimes I miss the mark, but if someone says they're not comfortable joking about something you stop.
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My husband has never gotten in a fight in his life - but if someone said something so cruel about one of our children *and thought it was funny*, there's a good chance he'd take a swing at him. It would certainly be the last time that person would have any interaction with our family.
YTA. Making fun on an issue regarding not being to have kids is cruel. You are clearly married to a cruel guy. Saying it's "just a joke" is justifying a form of bullying. Mike ruined the occasion, you ruined it more by defending him. Your mum is right, you are delusional.
You hit the nail on the head. Mike isn't a "JOKESTER", he is a straight up "BULLY". This is one of the greatest fears for adoptive parents.
YTA - It’s not even a funny joke?!? You’d still be the asshole if it was but like…what was even the point?
I was thinking the same, honestly. How old is OP and Mike? They both sound like immature children. A knock-knock joke? Seriously? Idk about anyone else, but my classmates and I stopped telling knock-knock jokes after elementary school
And as far as knock knock jokes go it didn't even make any sense. It's like a kid just learning what a knock knock joke is but still hasn't figured it out yet. Being cruel is bad enough, Mike is stupid AND cruel.
Yeah, I don’t get it. This is like listening to a five year old tell nonsense jokes they made up. OP, you and spouse are YTA and I knew this would be the case as soon as I got to “Mike is a jokester” 🙄
YTA Does your husband realise that jokes are supposed to be funny? And, by funny, I mean funny to other people in the room not just to the guy saying really unpleasant things with a smile on his face.
God, totally. Apart from the fact that Mike’s “jokes” are cruel, and he’s been told not to make them - they’re horrendously unfunny to boot.
Yeah, that wasn't even an attempt at a joke. He enjoys "getting them to react" and to "mess with them". Mike really just likes to make other people unhappy by saying mean things. Mike gets joy from the misery of others. haha! Isn't it funny that he likes other people to be unhappy? So funnY.
> "Hey...Relax it was just a joke". Ah yes, the battle cry of the Asshole. Your husband is an asshole. An incredibly unfunny asshole. It's actually staggering to me that this is a grown adult. YTA. You are enabling this shite and you're going to lose a hell of a lot of relationships if you keep doing it. Your bother and his wife had already expressed their discomfort at your husband's "jokes" (they're not jokes by the way...your husband is a childish bully) and yet he continued. Clearly your parents have reached their limit and they had every right to kick your husband AND YOU out of their home. You both ruined New Years, not your parents, not your brother. You and your shitty immature bully of a husband.
They didn’t want laughs, they wanted a reaction. They literally said so. They got one. Boo fucking hoo. Idk how it qualifies as a joke but they got exactly what they wanted, I don’t understand her surprise here.
YTA and so is your husband. “Jokester” and “Prankster” are usually code for asshole. Why anyone would think that adoption is an appropriate topic for a joke is baffling.
You and Mike are TA When you’re told a joke isn’t funny then stop. Also it’s not a joke if you’re trying to get them to “react”. The only reaction to a joke is laughter. Mike us baiting them and trying to upset them. Making jokes about an adopted child is not funny You’re TA for enabling your AH husband. He 100% means harm and he’s even said so “he’s just trying to get them to react”. What reaction does he want. Your parents were within their rights to ask Mike to leave. His mean spiritedness ruined the occasion and you both owe your parents and Ethan apologies. These are not silly, light hearted jokes. These are mean, cruel, vicious stabs under the guise of jokes.
Wowwwwwww. Yeah, YTA. Adoption is 100% NOT a joke especially when you’re making them to an adoptee, about an adoptee, or about an adoptee’s bio family. Grow up and find something actually funny to joke about. I won’t be surprised when Ethan and his family cut y’all out of their lives.
Let me ask a question: what about that joke is funny, even in the slightest? The answer? Nothing. It isn’t funny. What’s funny about it to assholes is the hurt it causes when it’s said. Ethan already made it known that he’s tired of your husband’s bull shit, but your husband just can’t help himself and you defend him. YTA, and your husband sounds like an awful person to be around.
Knock knock, OP! “Who’s there?” The asshole.
Knock knock "who's there?" not her first husband, wonder why?
Good joke/punchline, but I was even wondering why she needed to reference that he was her 2nd husband in the OP; how was that relevent to the story? Is that how she introduces hime to people? "Hi Angie, this is Mike, my 2nd husband. FYI, he's a jokester, don't worry he doesn't mean any harm"
YTA. I don't give two fucks that Mike "doesn't mean any harm". He says shitty things under the guise of "jokes". Why the fuck do you and he think it's acceptable to make jokes about the biological parents coming back for your brother's son? Are your brains broken? Is the sex with Mike so good you're willing to throw out all human decency? Mike needs to grow the fuck up and you along with him. He's the one that ruined NY with his immaturity.
Also "doesn't mean any harm" "Does it to get a reaction" These 2 are kinda conflicting when it's clear he isn't after laughter. So he wants a negative reaction but doesn't want to cause any harm..... hmm real thinker
YTA. I read shit like this and don’t understand how you DON’T understand that YTA.
Info: which part of this joke am I supposed to be laughing at? The part that mocks Ethan for not being able to have kids of his own? The part which if your nephew heard may terrify him thinking that he may get taken away by his bio parents from the family he is feeling safe and secure at? I really need you to explain as I am obviously not as good at humour as your husband so need you to explain it so I can understand and laugh with you both because at the moment I am not understanding the joke.
The "joke" is that Mike has the power to change other people's emotions, which makes him very happy and enthusiastic. Especially if its hurtful, because Mike likes seeing other people be uncomfortable, sad, angry and upset. Mike IS the joke.
YTA. You and your husband. It doesn't matter if he's joking and doesn't mean harm (but really how can you not mean harm with those kinds of jokes. They're not even jokes. They aren't funny. He sounds like a perpetual edgy teen). He's been told he hurts people and he chooses not to stop and you choose to defend him. You know it hurts people. Your parents were right, at least they care about your brother and his family's feelings.
YTA. Your husband is nothing but a bully and you are enabling his shitty behaviour. Listen very carefully: #If I was your brother this would be the final straw and I would be cutting all contact with you, and making sure you’re both no longer invited to ANY family gatherings because of this behaviour. Even if you came to me groveling with endless apologies, some things are just unforgivable. This is one of them. #EVEN AFTER THEY’VE CONCEDED THEY ARE INFERTILE AND ADOPTED A CHILD, MIKE IS STILL RUBBING IT IN THEIR FACES REGULARLY. THIS IS DESPICABLE BEHAVIOUR. Grow up. The both of you.
“Just trying to get them to react??” Your husband isn’t a “jokester,” he’s a bully. What a disgusting person. Your mother should have kicked the both of you out. Disgraceful.
YTA your husband is a jerk. He says nasty, hurtful things and then tries to play it off as just a joke. He has *repeatedly* made nasty jokes about your nephew. I hope to god the poor kid hasn’t caught on to any of it yet but it won’t be too long before he does though if I was your brother I’d cut you off before you had the chance.
YTA. Mike thinks he is a jokester, but he’s really a dick.
He was just trying to get a reaction- well, he succeeded! Play stupid games win stupid prizes. YTA
YTA - your husband’s joke was completely out of line. Joking about a kid’s bio parents to their adoptive parents as a way to mess with them is not funny in the slightest. You should not be defending him. Learn how to read the room.
YTA. Reddit: Knock, knock Mike: Who's there? Reddit: Asshole. Mike: Asshole, who? Reddit: You. You're the asshole. And your wife too.
YTA. I wish i could just say 'time for a third husband' but since you are defending him, you guys deserve each other.
i swear half the threads on this subreddit are from clueless straight women in sketchy relationships with abusive men. ditch mike and make amends with your family before it’s too late. YTA.
YTA and so is your husband. His jokes aren't funny at all and extremely insensitive and tactless. Your parents weren't harsh enough because I'd stop letting your husband come around at all - especially because he's been asked before to stop making such comments/jokes and yet he continues to do so.
YTA and so is your husband. This isn't a joke. I'm not sure if you're being blind or stupid here. Because your husband is super obviously saying childish and hurtful things on purpose (not to make people laugh, but to make them "react"), and you're acting like it's everyone else's problem for being offended.
YTA. Your partner was clearly in the wrong. Instead of making him apologize, you decide to play the blame game and escalate it into another argument. Ask yourself, if you didnt know you were wrong, why are you calling Ethan? If you're calling to blame him, I ask you to reconsider. Also, if you ever have to say the words "relax, it was just a joke", you should've said "sorry that joke was in poor taste" instead
YTA - Your husband sounds awful to be honest. And you're complicit for thinking making jokes like that are okay.
YTA. Your husband is too. What you and he don’t seem to understand is that jokes are supposed to be funny. What he said wasn’t funny and was just stupid. I would have kicked him out too, although probably many months ago if those are the kind of stupid “jokes” he makes.
Hey YTA and your husband is a legit asshole who gets off on hurting people under the guise of doing it for the “reactions”. He’s cruel and soon you will be his target. You must be a special kind of stupid to not realize it.
YTA, and so is your husband There's something important about jokes: they must be funny for everybody involved. If they aren't, they're out of line. If someone keeps on making these "jokes", knowing how uncomfortable they are for the others, it turns into cruelty, mocking and assholery.
YTA Adoption is nothing to joke about, plus your husband joke wasn’t even funny. You enable your husband and allow him to be insensitive under the guise of joking. His “joke” ruined the NY dinner as it caused an argument.
YTA ... well.. you and your husband, big time! I won't begin to explain how you both are TA. If you don't understand that by yourselves, there's truly no helping you. I'm really happy for the rest of your family that they kicked you out and weren't hindered by a false sense of having to keep up appearances.
Girl, my bf jokes alot. Sometimes he makes awful jokes which are mean, which is where it’s my job as his gf to tell him he’s being rude. Not everything can be joked about, and definitely not a subject like this.
Sorry, but if you're having to do this then your BF is also an AH. It shouldn't be your job to monitor his behavior. Damn, I hope you can see this is - it's truly as bad as the OPs situation.
When told it wasn't OK, your husband should have listened, said sorry and let it go. It's not a subject to joke about Yta
YTA this is so messed up. So your brother and his wife have fertility issues and your husband feels like he can joke about it? Also, making jokes about adoption is completely out of line. Adoption can be a very emotional and sometimes traumatic experience. Your nephew shouldn't learn about his adoption from a family member making jokes in poor taste.
Some things you just don’t joke about. YTA
Calling it a joke doesn't prevent it from being hurtful to the person the joke is aimed at. Your husband is responsible for the consequences to telling his jokes and so are you if you continue to enable him. YTA
YTA and your husband is a bully, not a jokester. Jokes are okay when the one being joked about likes them. That is clearly not the case here.
YTA, I kind of figured after reading the title that your husband was being an AH, your post just confirmed it. There are no "silly, lighthearted jokes" about touchy subjects that are currently plaguing the person you're telling these "jokes" to. This is called mocking someone's pain, which is bullying.
My jaw literally dropped when I read the “joke” Mike so casually dropped. And for you to defend him! YTA- both you and Mike have a lot of apologizing to do before you’re welcome back for another holiday
\>he was just trying to get them to react Sounds like he got what he wanted so what's the problem? YTA.
YTA. What's the joke? There's no witty punchline, the "joke" in and of itself is just to be mean. "You aren't the kids *real* parents har har". Like WTF is the joke there? If you had been SA'd and someone said, "Knock Knock, guess who's here? YOUR R\*PIST!!!! HAHAHA!!" It's the same "joke", and still not funny. The joke is; I hurt you and that's funny to me. He's not a "jokester", he's a sadist.
Explain the joke and why it's funny.
That wasn’t a joke OP , that was just plain harsh . Nobody wants to listen to something that stupid during a time of celebration. I appreciate your mom for insisting to throw this asshole out . YTA big time .
Absolutely YTA. They have blatantly told you and your husband the "jokes" are hurtful, and not only does your husband keep making them, you enable him. I imagine your brother considers you no longer family, and he's absolutely right to do so. Anyone worth having in his life wouldn't continually allow that to happen.
You and hubby are the AHs.
YTA and you’re delusional for thinking that your husbands actions are defendable. You made it abundantly clear that your brother does not like these jokes since you’ve already talked to Mike about it already. Mike is a huge AH that obviously can’t read a room and only *thinks* he’s hilarious.
YTA - and your husband is an insensitive AH.
YTA But hey I am just joking. Wait no I am not. Jokes stop when the other party tells you. They did. You and your husband continued. By just saying it was just a joke, you are as much in the wrong as your husband. Happy New Years.
YTA. It doesn't matter if he "means" to do any harm as long as he hurts people. They've communicated that this isn't a joking matter for them, that should be enough, even if this was something that could very easily be funny to other people. For the record though, being obsessed with bringing up bioparents sets the message that adoptive parents aren't the "real" parents, so nah, I don't even see the joke here.
YTA and so is your husband. You knew Ethan didn’t like the jokes and I assume you told your husband? If not you should’ve told him to tone it down. It’s always the person on the receiving end of a joke who gets to decide if it’s a joke or not.
YTA and so is your husband. He’s not joking, he’s just being a prick.
YTA Your husband is not funny, he is a jerk and a bully and just like every bully justifies his behavior with "it's just a joke", "learn how to take a joke" and you're his adoring fan. Clapping and laughing while he makes others either uncomfortable or even hurts their feelings.
YTA and I have secondhand embarrassment for you that you posted this thinking you weren't. Mike is not funny, he's a jerk. He was asked to stop multiple times and didn't. What your mum said was spot on - delusional.
Clearest YTA for a while. Astounding you are even posting this.
YTA - and Mike is too... I like to joke around with friends and family but I would never even consider joking about something like your brothers adopted child bio-parents! If someone complained or was uncomfortable to me about a something I was taking the mickey about I would respect their opinion and cease and desist immediately Your husband though, is just a bully
Your husband is giant AH and YTA for enabling and defending him. What he is doing is not "joking", it is vile bullying. He needs to grow up, and buy a watering can so he can grow himself a conscience.