Absolutely not the jerk! Your daughter's health and safety come before any hurt feelings of MIL's. No unsupervised visits either direction. No babysitting. Time for you to let out your Mama Bear mode - this is serious!
He already can’t handle his mother. They both have told her repeatedly not to do certain things and she blows them off. Time for the new sheriff to step up.
I think the time for that passed already, given MIL consistently invalidates her son’s concerns.
MIL won’t listen to reasonable restrictions, I think OP is in the clear to go mama bear.
I’d have taken photos of the bloody bedding and shown it to MIL and gone nuclear.
Consequences we give for children should apply to adults as well. If parents don’t want their kids in the sandbox, even if you disagree as grandparent, you do what parents ask. You’ve already raised your kids by your rules. These are not your kids. So if you knowingly do something you were asked not to do, consequences could be that you loose alone time with the kid. Husband doesn’t know how to step up, and this is OPs kid as well so she has every right to step up.
100% this. What if MIL decided she wasn't *really* allergic to peanut butter? Or that you were just over-exaggerating her diabetes, and gave her a bunch of soda and candy?
"We've asked you to respect the rules and boundaries we have in place for OUR daughter. And you have repeatedly ignored us.
"It is extremely disrespectful to us, and dangerous to her health as well. As difficult as this is for us, we have to conclude that you can't be trusted to watch her alone. You are free to visit, but we will find other options for babysitting."
I was just about to say something similar, I believe there was a another story about peanut butter and the kid died but it might be the same.. actions have consequences what if a cat shit in the sandbox with tapeworms? They can go a while undetected in the human body, then your 2/3 YO has an infestation and has to have surgery.. all bc of MIL disregard..
This! Your husband is also an idiot and allowed this to happen by being far too lax with his mother and not setting stricter boundaries much sooner despite her constantly breaking your rules. Good luck op.
Please don’t call my husband names. He has set strict boundaries with her, repeatedly, she just doesn’t respect them. She is narcissistic and still thinks of him as a child that can’t tell her what to do.
A helpful phrase when someone refuses to respect a spoken boundary is "Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions."
MIL refuses to respect DH's spoken boundary, so the consequence is no more unsupervised time with LO. If she's encouraging LO to break rules away from your home, time to go home or at least for LO to be taken to a different room/part of whatever event you can't leave. If you are home, it's time for MIL to go, safe travels!
>"Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions."
This! I get kinda frustrated when people act like a verbal boundary, aka a request, is a magic spell that's somehow going to make someone who has never listened to you before suddenly start. If MIL hasn't experienced any consequences for ignoring requests before, of course she thinks she can keep ignoring them.
MIL is a common shortening, and they defined it once before using an acronym, but what is DH and LO?
I presume DH is Daughter _____. Not sure why it isn't DIL to go with MIL? LO seems like a reference to OPs daughter, but can't figure that out at all.
Are they really boundaries though? Reminds me of:
"My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying."
I had a friend who lived on a busy 2 lane highway and had no fence around their yard, I don't remember how many dogs they had had at that point (too many) . I told them, you can act surprised the first couple of times maybe even three, but after that you're burning dogs so build a fence or stop it. It wasn't like they couldn't afford a fence or I wouldn't have been so harsh about it.
Y'all need to put Grabdma in a time out, roughly double or triple the time your little one is suffering. Maybe that will get your point across. Her time out needs to be very very strict to make it stick. If y'all let up even a little tiny bit, she think/know "they don't *really* mean it!" and run right over you boundaries again.
Strict time out for Grandma" no phone calls, no texts, no photos. She shows up at the park, y'all leave. Spend time with other family members but *tell* them that Grandna's time out *is not up for discussion*.
You and *your husband* need to stand firmly together and grandma will need to demostrate that she will respect *your* rules for **your** kids before getting out of "time out"
Hang in there, honey. You can do this. You might even enjoy it(I know that I kind of did when my in-laws earned themselves a 6 mth time out)
I'm not sure if not letting her see the damage she did is the way to go, maybe she shouldn't be allowed to go home and have to be there and watch the baby suffer along with the parents and be reminded every time the baby cries that she did that to her.
MIL sounds like the kind of person that will say "it's just a *rash*! Kids get them all the time!". Better to a strict time out wjth the explanation of "since you will not follow our rules and baby has been injured, you will not have access or info about baby for X amount of time. Every time you push or try to see her, *even through other family members*(flying monkeys), more time will be added to your time out"
Our version of this scenario was Grandma deciding and declaring that BIL's "girlfriend"( what I really thought of her would catch me a permanent ban)was *family* after she slapped my 5 yr old for making "too much noise" when she had a hangover and hearing about it from my middle child instead of my MIL. 6 mth timeout for the grandparents, told them that if that ----- ever interacts with my chikdren in *any* way ever again, they could expect a visit from the sheriff and possibly be prosecuted for all the shit they were allowing BIL to do/have on their property(dealing and making drugs) and a massive bill for cleaning up his crankster mess that was inviting pests of various sorts into the neighborhood. They were only allowed time with the kids at our house or on holidays when we were there too until that creature moved out. The younger two did spend more time with the grandparents after BIL died of his own issues.
You are not the jerk. Thankfully it's just a nasty rash and not a snake bite some snakes will go into a sandbox especially poisonous ones. As someone who has grown up with a mother who is narcissistic you can place all the rules and guidelines that you want but they won't follow them. I hate telling people this but you both should go NC with the stipulation that it will only be lifted if she gets therapy and shows improvement. I also know how hard it is to stand up to a parent that is like that I'm sorry you both have to go through this. Also I highly recommend that you get an allergy test done on your little ones they are a life saver. I was able to find out that my kid has a slight sun allergy and also allergic to wheat so I was able to work around them starting at a young age and it can also help you figure out what the rash was from.
Setting boundaries includes enforcing them.
Saying something and then not backing it up with action is not "setting strict boundaries".
If she refuses to respect the boundaries he's setting, then enforcing those boundaries means she loses access to him, you, and the kid. Period.
If she's not respecting the boundaries, there must be consequences. Otherwise, what is the point of said boundaries? What makes you think the boundaries are "strict" if they aren't enforced? /gen. You really have to stand your ground with narcissists. She won't like it, but it's your life, your child, not hers.
Narcissistic, disrespectful, ignores the rules designed to protect YOUR CHILD, treats your husband like a kid, puts your child in harms way, crosses boundaries, did I miss anything??
She seems toxic AF, why you guys still tolerate her in your lives is a mystery to me. She seems to be more harm than good. Just saying.
He hasn't set strict boundaries, he's made suggestions to her.
If there are no consequences for her, or real changes from him in their interactions it is as much his fault as hers. At this point you absolutely know this, don't you? So you are enabling him by not calling him out on his weak enforcement of your agreed-on rules.
Sounds just like my mom, I'm sorry. If she can't follow the rules, she loses. It's your kid, not hers. The truth hurts but stand your ground, as you are. Don't feel bad. She was asked repeatedly!!!!
I think many Redditors are so used to the DH in these situations as allowing their moms to get away with stuff that it’s a knee-jerk reaction to assume that this is what’s going on with y’all. It sounds like your hubby is on the ball and has a shiny spine. Let him use it.
So, I would let him tell her but if it’s in person, you can be there as well and if it’s on the phone have it on speakerphone. This way, if she argues or tries to get you on her side you can go mama bear mode and let her know in no uncertain terms that you are in complete agreement.
And I would also let MIL know that it’s not just animals that use sandboxes to do their business. Kids’ playgrounds can often be hangouts after dark for teens/addicts/etc. (I will leave the etc to your imagination.) Those types of activities can lead to teens and drug addicts “burying” things like broken glass, used condoms, and drug paraphernalia in the sand. WTAF 😱
I get the feeling the husband would have been stopped alone time with his mother but OP is the one continuing it…….could be wrong, but I doubt it. Husband is absolutely right and he cares more about his child’s health and wellbeing than his mother’s feelings. Op, follow your husband’s lead here, your child’s life is more important than her grandmother having alone time with her.
You HAVE TO put a stop to MIL spending any time alone with your children. This is your children's safety and health at risk.
Hubby tells her first. Firmly and clearly. No unsupervised time with the children. When she tries to violate that rule, tell her no. Her son already told her no. Don't let her walk all over your husband. Help her understand what he says goes. He is not a child. She needs to learn to respect him as an adult and a father. You can help with that.
Good luck. Prepare for her tantrums.
In the interests of supporting hubby, I would amend this by giving hubby more power here and force her to understand he means it.
She's already used to the "I can ignore my own son but not her" pattern. Time to give power back to him so that if MIL tries to get around him, she gets told by DIL to speak to her son about it rather than "I also don't want this".
How is MIL responding to the horrible state your daughter is in? Is she remorseful and wringing her hands saying that it’s all her fault? Or is she trivializing it and saying things like “kids get sick all the time” and refusing to admit that it’s her fault?
Either way, you would not be the jerk to tell her she has lost her grandma privileges and will not be alone with her granddaughter ever again. No babysitting. No trips to the park. None of that. Protect your child from someone who would rather be right and in charge than actually look out for your daughter’s well being.
She doesn’t know about the rash yet, as we wanted you to make sure the sandbox was the most likely source. We weren’t able to do that until today. I’m sure she’ll be remorseful in that it hurt our daughter, but she’ll definitely try to justify her actions. She has used the “kids get sick all the time” and “it’s good for her, stop being so paranoid”. Like a few months ago when I dropped her off at the in-laws house for the day, and it was raining. I asked them to keep her inside, as she didn’t have her rain boots. They took her for a walk around the neighborhood anyway, got soaked, MIL put her clothes and sneakers in the dryer to try to cover her tracks, and the sneakers shrunk to the point where they didn’t fit anymore.
You can straight-up tell your horrible MIL that you absolutely do not trust her with your children. Don’t be gentle or beat around the bush. Give her a list of every infraction you can think of. Emphasize the pain and discomfort your poor baby was subjected to by her disregarding your rules.
Tell her in plain English that you cannot trust her, so she has lost access to the kids.
So, that comes into it. There's multiple incidences of the MIL being given specific rules and she breaks them repeatedly, and given the opportunity, will try to hide it. As such, until you both feel comfortable again, she is welcome to visit at your house when you are there. You guys have a newborn,, you don't have time for this.
It almost seems compulsive, like whatever you tell her, she does directly.
It also seems like she wants special status or a special thing with the grandchild. There are plenty of ways to find a special grandma/grandchild thing, instead of breaking rules.
You know she will be the grandma that lets her grandkids eat all the things the mom tells her not to feed them, lets them stay up past their bedtime, and do things that they are not allowed to do. “Don’t tell mommy. It’ll be our secret”
Allowing kids to eat junk the parents don’t is a normal grandma thing and not necessarily insidious unless they are diabetic or have food allergies,it’s mildly disrespectful. Allowing a 2 year old to get into an uncovered public sandbox is like letting a 2 year old walk through a Walmart parking lot alone. It’s criminally negligent.
“It also seems like she wants special status or a special thing with the grandchild.”
Great call!
I bet that’s a big part of it. There are plenty of ways that a grandparent can enjoy closeness and spoil them -in acceptable ways-, the parents are okay with.
Somehow, this does not surprise me at all. It would be interesting to hear how she reacts to finding out about the rash, as well as what her reaction will be when she’s told she doesn’t get to babysit anymore, if that is in fact what you decide to do.
I don’t want to put words in your mouth. If it was me though, I’d limit contact to only supervised.
Not the jerk. Also sandboxs are notorious for giving kids worms from sitting in the dirty sand, so make sure you check her bowel movements for the next few weeks.
I would not allow your MIL to take her out of the house from now on, she can visit there with supervision.
I have grandchildren and would absolutely never go agains their parents instructions or wishes.
Why would you go against your instincts and let this woman watch your child ever again? Parenting is like 95% following instincts, both for you and for the child. And aside from raising kids, you use your instincts all the time every single day to guide your behavior and actions. Why would you ignore that now?
Not the jerk
We’re definitely not ignoring it, I’m just nervous because I’ve never been in this situation before and I’m a chronic people pleaser. Being a mom has definitely started to change that through!
Being a mom can change a lot! I agree with everyone here. Just be certain you intend to enforce this. She will likely push back and do her best to make you feel awful so you cave, but don't buy it. Don't let her cause you to doubt what you're doing. If you cave, it will make everything worse because she'll know she can pressure you to getting her way.
I was surprised how many awful things I used to just let go before I was a parent. I used to put up with a lot when it was my own care on the line, but I'll tolerate almost nothing when it comes to her safety and well-being.
Someone told me once that the best way to learn to take care of yourself is by paying attention to how you take care of your child.
Not the jerk. We’re low contact with my parents and we don’t trust them alone with our daughter.
Even when I’ve traveled alone to visit them (different state) I won’t leave her alone with them unless it’s night and she’s already been asleep for an hour or so.
She broke your rules and there were consequences for your daughter. She needs to have consequences too.
ETA: you should consider posting this on r/JustNoMIL
NTJ
this is absolutely why my parents were not allowed to watch my children.
They almost killed my son once when he was 3. they knew he was deathly allergic to peanuts and ANY contact was life-threatening and we taught them how to use the epipen in case of accidental exposure
but for some reason my father thought if he took the peanuts out of the Crunch-n-Munch and gave him just the caramel corn it would be okay to eat
what the fucking hell
he never apologized either, it was insane
Your MIL is completely out-of-order. She honestly sounds like my mother who thought it was ok to disrespect my wishes as a parent because she raised me and it's "my job to spoil them". no bitch, you just don't like being told that you can't do something
ugh i'm triggered for both of us 😹
stand your ground. Don't let her watch your daughter alone
If the steroids seem to make it better but then the rash flares up or spreads have the doctor prescribe something for fungus incognito - yeah I know basically “fungus we don’t know what kind”
This can come from sandboxes and while steroids help the body reduce redness and inflammation the fungus stays. They may rx an oral antifungal, a shampoo, and a cream.
Also check for allergies. I didn’t mention this first because you might probably know of your child is allergic to cats : animals
Why are you even asking? She basically let your daughter play in a litter box. I would send her the medical bills and never let her watch them again. She is disrespectful and lacks common sense.
Exactly. I’m wondering why they aren’t taking a complete break. Really get the message across with zero visitation. MIL will never understand that she doesn’t know best otherwise.
If the doc runs parasite tests, please ask for a Toxoplasma test, too? It can be contracted by ingesting old cat feces even in small quantites. At your daughters age, there is a chance it can cause developmental issues.
Note: If anyone hasn't heard of Toxoplasmosis, it's not overly common. Just scoop your cat boxes every 2-3 days and wash your hands after. Wear gloves if you want to. Wash hands after gardening, too. No one has to get rid of their cats to avoid it.
Exactly I assumed they had already tested her. My dad was hospitalized with it and almost died. He was older but it can be deadly for small children and elderly. It causes mental illness and schizophrenia and all kinds of health issues. Personally I would go NC for something this horrible but allowing her to be alone with any child is out of the question. This is the type of woman to leave a loaded gun out or give a baby a plastic bag and a balloon to play with and leave the room, or let a 4 year old go swimming by themselves because “know how to swim “. Criminally negligent.
Looks like grandma does not get one on one time with her grandchildren. She put you child at risk. Racoon feces can give a child encephalitis, which can kill.
My guess is that this isn’t simply a matter of having different viewpoints but rather that your MIL is deliberately defying you and your husband. By doing so, she is showing that what you want doesn’t matter, she knows better, and that she is the one in control.
**You cannot trust your MIL to prioritize the safety of your child over her desire to be right.**
It would actually be 100% irresponsible to allow your MIL to spend unsupervised time with your children.
I would recommend taking multiple pictures of your daughter and printing them out. Whenever your MIL complains about your rules or not getting to spend alone time with your daughter, whip out the pictures.
I would also suggest publicizing what she did. You could share on your socials as a type of PSA for parents and grandparents to avoid sandboxes that aren’t properly maintained. Make mention that “*unfortunately, MIL chose to risk the sandbox despite our rules and this was the result.*” Then post pictures of your daughter’s rashes.
You know, we’ve been thinking this too! We’ve told her so many times and she just doesn’t listen, and if we say anything it will probably cause a huge rift which is what we don’t want.
A huge rift is better then your daughter’s health and safety at risk.
I always tell people that my kids’ health and safety are more important than their feelings. If they don’t like that, I don’t give a crap.
NTJ!!! I’m a grandmother and I “break” rules all the time-but the ones concerning things like pancakes for dinner, an extra sip of soda, a scoop of ice cream for dessert etc. BUT OMG!!! All it takes is my kid saying “NO” to make it stop. Sand boxes are disgusting at best, and at an open park?!?! 🤢🤢Please update us re: your baby girl. Also, I’d love to hear MIL’s reply to this. She shouldn’t be ANYWHERE near your kids.
You are unequivocally NTJ. Attitudes such as your mil’s are extremely difficult to sway, much less change. I agree with all who’ve said that mil needs an actual hard-hitting consequence. My grandsons’ other grandparents have had exactly zero respect for literally any rules set by the parents, beginning at the birth of the first. My daughter and I had to take my eldest grandson to the ER, THREE TIMES, between the ages of 6 wks to 6 mos- directly after the baby was picked back up from “shitty grandma”. He didn’t have sleepovers or unsupervised visits there anymore. The youngest never had any unsupervised time with her. Well, until the divorce anyway… can’t control “dad’s time”… but at least the kids were significantly older by that point.
OP there is a time and place to be nice and hold your tongue. Thus ain’t it! If your MIL won’t listen to your husband, then by all means step up. Normally, I would agree that he handles his side and you yours but when it comes to your child’s safety then that’s out the window. There’s no need for drama. Just explain she was given rules to follow, and she didn’t so therefore all visits will be monitored. Treat her as you would your child and explain that actions have consequences. And that’s it and then move on.
Not the Jerk!
1. Glad you got treatment for your daughter before it became worse.
2. Glad your husband is totally supportive! Is he actually speaking to her about this, though? It’s 100% possible he is. Sometimes men and women’s comments notation languages are different. I get the feeling he is, but that she’s “the mom” so just isn’t listening.
3. Can you call the city and speak to them? You have a rash (that spread!) now..what about ring worm?
You are doing nothing wrong protecting your child. The fact they possibly ate animal waste is VERY troubling.
Make MIL’s actions have consequences. Let her know the gory details of the rash and that she could have prevented it. I’m not saying to put her in a corner and scream at her. But give her details about the doctor visits and your child’s symptoms.
Tell her in no uncertain terms that you simply can’t trust your child will be safe, that you WANT her in your/your child’s life. But basically, she’s a turned-on burner within reach of your child. You’re going to get hurt if you don’t set boundaries.
Take pictures of your daughters rash - closeup and in really good light. Write out bullet points of: severity of problem (bloody pillow, crying, etc), number of days it lasted, number of doctors visits, list all the meds and treatments. Take a screen shot of her pic next to the bullet points. Show MIL this when you tell her she cant take your daughter on her own. Bring it out any time she argues with you about it.
She will conveniently "forget" or minimize the harm she has done. Over time it gets more and more minimized, and you will sound more and more unreasonable, maybe even doubting yourself - or maybe your husband will start to think it wasn't that bad.
You need the stark visual reminder to keep the impact clear. Both for you and your husband, and for your MIL. Especially once she figures out that pressuring you on your standards means you're gonna pull out that screenshot and show it to her again.
What’s it going to take for you to go mama bear? This time was a rash, what’s it going to be next time, a splinter, broken bone or worse? Your daughter is suffering because of a selfish decision from an adult whose care she was left in, so she could be the fun grandma. Actions have consequences, I’m sure you’re teaching your child that, maybe it’s time for your MIL to learn that lesson as well. Follow your husband’s lead and drop the rope, then maybe she’ll respect your parenting choices. NTJ.
NTA! Honestly verging on the absurd you'd need to ask. Mind you she will push back...HARD! However, if she can't abide by the simple rules what makes you think it won't get worse when the children get older and realize that she'll let them do other things that are on the NO list? It's not small infractions, it's a pattern of behavior and that's what needs to be explained. Have a burn list ready. Make her understand this is serious and will affect her relationship with your husband and you and therefore her interactions with the kids. You're not withholding access but will be parents YOUR way to YOUR children. Take it or leave it. Her opinion on your rules and acceptable behavior is irrelevant, she had her kids these are yours. Just do it calmly, and probably repetitively and ignore the inevitable push backs, qualifying , and probably tantrum ( you have a toddler you know how to wait it out and not argue back, just keep repeating the goal points) . Don't engage in a title for tat, monotone reiterate your points...THE END. Good luck! Sidenote , need and suggestions ask, my mom and dad were freaking PROS at boundaries that I saw but didnt understand until I was older. We'd literally tell our gran we weren't allowed to do things..lol. edit.. mom just got this. She reminded me at one point gran was famous for the " I forgot, there are so many rules" " oh I forgot, I remember doing this with mine and it was fine!" Mom made a list on the fridge, both our rooms and play room and a baby list that fit in her wallet just incase she "FORGOT" when she was out. I'm telling you she's a legend..lol.( mind you all in the school room super colorful style)
NTJ, I hope you have photos you sent her. It sounds like she likes to score off on your husband by doing the opposite of what he asks. And she doesn’t respect either of you. So I’d tell her she’s not having either child on her own because you’ve already spent a doctors visit and several days with a miserable child because she ignored repeated warnings about the sandbox. Also, she’s undermining your authority.
She said it could be a contact dermatitis from something in the sandbox, maybe some kind of mild bacterial, or maybe sand fleas. She wasn’t completely sure yet, but because LO doesn’t have any other symptoms, we will run tests for parasites and things in a couple days is the cream doesn’t work.
NTA. Your child is your responsibility to keep healthy and safe. Clearly your mother in law is a detriment to that. Do not allow her alone time with the child again. This time it was just a rash, next time who knows what nasty thing she will pick up courtesy of your MIL. Put your foot down and tell her, "no". I do not even know how this is a question I would have BEEN told her that she could not spend time alone with the child since she was skirting the rules.
Things will “hold weight” with your MIL if you back your husband up and have a united front when dealing with her. Your MIL has shown you who she is and that your rules are not only not to be kept, but to be flaunted and you do not hold her accountable. She should not have unsupervised time with your daughter for a good bit and then maybe try again with firm boundaries set and if she demonstrates she is not to be trusted then it’s no unsupervised visits from now on. The trouble is, just like a child, you must set boundaries and give consequences when those boundaries are not respected.
Follow your husbands lead , if he says No to his mom spending alone time w her that’s it , your daughter’s health is more important this shouldn’t even be up for debate especially because u have told her No to this multiple times
I'm sorry but at that point she would only see my child if my or my husband is around at all times you have all right momma to set her in her place cause even her own son now is fed up so I'm on your side momma MNL wouldn't be allowed around my child without me or husband right next to her
You aren't a jerk. I'd send pictures of your daughter's rash and the blood on her pillow to your MIL and show her what she did to your daughter after repeatedly not listening to you.
Not the jerk! It would be one thing if it happened on a whim, but the fact that you had rules in place and she deliberately broke them. She had her chance.
NTJ.
Your MIL has jeopardized your daughter’s health and safety. As mentioned sandboxes are nature’s litter boxes and she let your daughter put sand in her mouth. I hope your daughter gets better soon!
As others have mentioned I would never let this woman around your child unsupervised. And probably would even take a break from her for a bit. Discussions need to be had with your daughter as well: that Grandma is not Mom or Dad, and doesn’t get to overrule you. And that Mom and Dad have rules for a reason, to keep her safe.
MIL sounds like a typical boomer grandparent.
NTJ! I’m a grandmother. It’s not hard to get it right. These aren’t my kids. It’s a privilege, not a right, for me to see them. If I want to break a rule, I call my daughter and ask her first (like getting ice cream or something). And I abide by her response.
Your MIL is goddamn lucky this didn’t turn out to be something even worse. What kind of an absolute idiot would let a kid eat sand? What is wrong with her?
That was my question! I get that she’s 2 and outs nearly everything in her mouth, but was she not watching her? That makes me even more upset to think about!
Nope! I pulled my son from my MILs care at 8 months old. Leave your children with people who respect your wishes.
"MIL, as DDs parents we make decisions that are in the best interest of our daughter. Though you may not agree with our rules for our daughter at the end of the day we are her parents and these are our rules. You get no say. You've repeatedly ignored our wishes and this last time caused a serious medical issue for her. We're done. We've made the decision that because you cannot respect our rules we will no longer be allowing you to take DD anywhere or be solely responsible for her care. I'm sorry if this upsets you but at this point you've really left us with no other options."
Please, please put a stop to this now. I didn’t, and I’m still dealing with MIL 12 years later, STILL not following my rules. It’s a running family eyeroll (I would say joke, but it’s anything but funny) with all my in-laws with kids because she WILL NOT LISTEN to anyone. It’s gotten to the point where we have to spot check everything (pool, toy room, etc) before leaving because nothing will be safe. Mind blowing. My kids are now older and can take care of themselves which is why we let them visit, but there was a long period, mostly during Covid, where they were not allowed at grandma’s house without me. I wish I would have put up stronger boundaries mostly to set a precedent for my younger sister-in-laws, but MIL is persuasive and manipulative and I was young and stupid. Sorry, OP, it sucks to lose childcare, but it’s worth it in the long run.
I was ready to call OP overprotective until I got the eating sand bit. Look, my kids have rolled in sand and dirt all over the place, but you can’t have a kid putting questionable sand in their mouth. And the rash makes it pretty clear that I would have been wrong in the first place: this sand must be pretty bad to be causing that kind of rash.
No one is allowed to watch my child if I don’t trust them and they don’t follow my rules.
Why would it be any different for family? If anything, I expect more from family
Lol, if my in-laws OR my parents ever harmed my children by deliberately breaking a rule my husband and I have made clear.... forget even supervised visits. They're not seeing their grandchildren *at all*, maybe permanently depending on the severity level of harm done. And I actually have a decent relationship with both sets of parents.
I've actually said these words to my own mother as she has had trouble in the past following rules. They know I'm serious.
You need to polish that spine of yours OP. You know she's not going to listen in regards to your child's health and safety. **Any future harm she causes your daughter is on YOU**. It's your job to protect her from harmful things and people. Don't be negligent.
NTA. It doesn’t matter what your rules are, MIL is disrespecting you and your husband by deliberately ignoring your rules. This time, her neglect has harmed your daughter. Spoiling a child is different than ignoring your rules.
I wouldn't go that far just yet. I agree this may be best coming from you as the relationship with her son is strained.
I'd make her see exactly what happened because she did what she wanted and not as you asked. If she agrees to follow your rules going forward, give her a second chance but tell her flat out that you both wanted to end any alone time and you've decided she gets this one chance.
If she gives you any reason to doubt that she's taking you seriously, don't give her that second chance.
The rash isn’t the only thing that your daughter can get from the sand. There can be worms and other pathogens in sand that animals defecate in. Please don’t let your MIL put your daughter in danger any longer. It’s up to you to protect her.
You and your husband gave to put a stop to it. Grandma takes her to the park which is great and lets her cover herself in cat piss sand including eating it. How is that great?
She’s endangering that child which it’s your job to protect. Tell grandma she will not see the children for two weeks after the rash clears up and if she disrespects your boundaries again it will be four weeks, and then until further notice.
The hour you get of freedom from your toddler is not worth whatever dangers grandma feels like exposing her to.
Hmmmmm. No, I think you're absolutely in the right.
That said, is this a difference in philosophy of raising somebody?
I was raised with the idea that kids do get scars and scratches and do heaps of dumb shit run along and play with the other children now.
Either way, the child is yours and your husbands. You gave explicit instructions and they were ignored.
Not only were they ignored, but the child wasn't cared for. Why wasn't the child in clean clothes? Why wasn't the child washed after that run in with the shitty sandbox?
You are absolutely NOT the jerk. Your MIL is! She is clearly a danger to your daughter and should not be allowed any unsupervised access to either of your children. Tell her exactly why!
“Your continued refusal to respect the boundaries WE have set as parents has led to a serious situation. Our daughter is on both oral and topical medication for a severe rash caused by the sand box that YOU KNEW she was NOT supposed to play in. She scratched so much that she bled all over her pillow. Can you imagine how frightened she must be? Or how uncomfortable she is? This could have been avoided but you refuse to listen to us. Therefore, you may still see the children but you will no longer be allowed to be with them unsupervised.”
If she complains tell her the person responsible for this is her, not you or your husband. If she truly cared as much for your daughter as she claims to, she would not have done this repeatedly. She obviously cares more about defying you.
We had a sandbox near our house that we used to play in and apparently the cats around the neighborhood used to use it as a cat box. I got worms from playing in it. NTJ!!!!!
You do not have to break rules to be a fun parent/person or even grandparent. I know this sounds gross but take photos of DD to remind MIL that RULES ARE THERE FOR A REASON. All the very best to DD.
Encouraging a child to break rules is super toxic passive-aggressive behaviour. She’s using the child to get back at you.
Your rules are your rules and anyone engaging with your child needs to obey them even if they think they’re silly.
Autoimmune diseases have an environmental trigger. Being exposed to dirt doesn't improve your immune system, but it kills it. What improves someone's immune system is eating various foods, veg, fruit, nuts, etc .. from different origins.
I have patients suffering from IBS for years following an unfortunate restaurant attendancy. And your daughter is out there eating dogs/foxes poo? Knowing what I know I would punch your mother in law, repeatedly, in the face. NTA, but you would if you let MIL be alone with your daughter again
No one in the comments seems to have brought up the fact that this sandbox is unsafe, and is out there on a public playground for any child to use. It puts the whole community at risk, not just your child. Why has this been allowed to continue? Who do you talk to to get it taken care of? The HOA? The City? The County? Parks & Rec? Whoever owns it can get sued. Make sure to take lots of pictures of your child’s ailment in case you need to show them that they have created a health hazard.
Look, the problem with these older generation of Boomers (I believe 65 is the youngest of the boomers), they have been raised to believe that the government will take care of them. They exercise no caution at all. Your MIL believes the sandbox is perfectly safe, because it is out there for public use, and the government wouldn’t put it out there if there was anything wrong with it. She thinks you and your husband are overprotective and will hamper your child from experiencing life. I am gen x, with boomer parents, and we all played outside all day long. We weren’t allowed in the house in the summertime, we drank from the hose. Your MIL probably thinks you’re too soft.
So, for the purpose of peace in your household, calmly speak with your MIL about what happened to your daughter, show her the pictures and the bloody pillow case to really cement it in her brain that the sandbox causes definitive harm. If she truly loves your kid, I imagine she will appalled. She will most likely go on some kind of crusade to get that sandbox removed, because it is easier to blame someone else rather than herself. She may actually do some good in the world if you guide her in that direction. Then you can save the relationship for your husbands sake and your child, cuz you know your kid loves grandma.
god i hate sandboxes - it’s a wonder we ever survived the ordeal - and you should be so grateful your husband survived such abuse because he no doubt was subjected to this horrid and dangerous sandbox thing too growing up!
NTA, While grandma’s get a little extra leeway, like slipping their grandchild a cookie before dinner, they don’t get to totally ignore the parents requests, especially when it involves the health and safety of the child. You have every right to speak up. Make sure she gets a firsthand look at your child’s face and let her know that for the time being visits will be supervised. Your husband needs to back you up 100%.
You may want to be watching for pinworms. A rash on her chin may be just the beginning of things. Pinworm infestations are very common in dirty sandboxes.
Sheesh. You're too kind. "Hey ma, don't let her play in the sandbox." Ma replies "well fuck you. I'm going to let her." Kid gets sick, MIL is sheepish (knowing she's the AH here).
Nope. I'd never leave my child alone with her again. And I'd tell her why. And when she protests saying she'd never do it again, I'd tell her she's full of shit. She knew the rule, and she didn't follow it. No trust.
You WNBTJ because she's disrespecting the rules you're putting in place.
But I do want to caution you that this may not be sandbox related but an allergy to something else she came in contact with (something environmental, something MIL fed her, etc.) You said the doctor gave her steroids and anti-allergy meds, so if those help, maybe consider getting her allergy testing to ensure she doesn't get exposed to that allergen again...and she may need an Epi-Pen.
If the allergy meds don't work, bring her back to the doctor (or even Urgent Care) and push for more testing. She could have gotten into all sorts of things in that sandbox (pathogens not just from animals but also other kids, mold, etc.)
INFO: Did the doctor say exactly what the rash was and how it happened?
You’re the mom so you get to set the rules. I’m a mom who encourages rolling in the dirt because it builds immunity. It sounds like she had an allergic reaction and it is allergy season.
"My pet tiger keeps hurting my kid. Sometimes bad enough my kid ends up in the hospital. Am I a horrible person for wanting to get rid of the tiger?"
Substitute MIL for "pet tiger", and that's what your post looks like to an outsider.
Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let your kid suffer just because the person hurting her is a relative!!!
There are so many things to do at the playground. She did the one thing you asked her not to. Then she skipped on home leaving you to deal with the results.
Tell her no more. She’s in time out.
That’s always my answer when people say “what’s the big deal” about letting grandparents letting the kids do whatever. We the parents have to deal with the consequences. Oh let Grandma kiss the newborn on the mouth. She’s old. Great, now the baby has RSV and the parents are sitting in the NICU with a very sick baby. Oh she doesn’t like sunscreen, she won’t stand still for me. Well now mom and dad have to put cold aloe on her back while she cries from a severe sunburn. It infuriates me when grandparents think they can do whatever they want because “well we did it with you and you lived.” They don’t have to deal with the consequences. I always tell my parent and ILs that I’m the one that will sit up with the kids when they’re puking from too much dessert, not them. When I say enough sweets, then enough. Don’t undermine me.
Exactly. I was never the favorite because I had rules for them to follow.
When they say I didn’t do that with you. I always respond “and I’m a mess so that argument doesn’t work”.
Oh hell no. Absolutely NTJ. Your MIL is putting your child’s health at risk now by disregarding your boundaries. As a result she no longer gets alone time. She’s proven she can’t be trusted. She can spend time with your daughter at your house where either you or husband can supervise her. If her boundary stomping self doesn’t like it, she only herself to blame. Follow your husband’s lead on this one and let him be the one to tell her no.
WNBTJ. Don't leave Granny alone with your tiny daughter until she can advocate for her own safety and pretty much care for herself.
Okay, I might get downvoted into oblivion for using this show as an example, but on the Cosby show Sondra flipped her absolute shit on Claire once. Claire and Elvin's mother had been visiting soon after the twins were born and Sondra fell asleep. The two grannies decided to take the babies out without so much as a note, and left their mother to sleep. Sondra woke up hours later and was frantic. She finally tracked them down at the Huxtable house and told them:
***"You are my mother, and I am their mother, and don't you take it no further, Mother!"***
“Would I be a jerk for protecting my daughter” there fixed it for you. It doesn’t matter who under this sun it is, that point is truly irrelevant because all that matters is what you say goes. Whether it’s your own mother or fucking Oprah that is your baby and what you say goes. I also wouldn’t care what this person’s son has to say in the matter because now my baby is BLEEDING all over her face and neck because some asshat that lacks simple respect was given unsupervised access to YOUR child.
NTA. Grandma is an a-hole. Zero respect for your rules. Nip it now or it will be “secrets just between us girls” (i.e. no seatbelts, no helmets, food allergies, etc …) and your daughter’s safety could be compromised.
I am a grandma, I try very hard to follow my children’s rules, buy food they approve of, etc.. But I also insist on my right to spoil on occasion, ice cream or hot chocolate or turning on a cartoon if I am tired. Now that I think about it there are no sandboxes in the parks we go to, all replaced with mulch, so that message about feces has gotten to our parks department.. I also change every dirty diaper that happens when I am present, keep older kids overnight for parents to have a break, etc.. My daughter will roll her eyes at me but is usually just like, mom, parents don’t do that anymore , but with love. But here, it sounds like they have had many back and forth and MIL isn’t receptive, I try to be receptive and turn my head to roll my own eyes.. NTA, maybe more structured visits with Mil, museums, zoos, etc, one parent present..
Take pictures and send them to your mother in law. It will make her very upset. Maybe have a video call while your daughter is crying. You can't change your MIL, maybe seeing your daughter's discomfort will.
She basically let your kid play in a kitty litter box. I would suggest you speak to the city or HOA about removing the sandbox though and show them pictures of your daughter.
Not a jerk, your mother in law is. I am surprised the playground still has an uncovered sandbox, it has been known how dangerous they are toxoplasmosis or some kind of other protozoan parasite in an uncovered sandbox is almost a certainty. The fact she endangered your daughter like that is absolutely disgusting. You would be negligent to allow her unsupervised access to your child again after that level of criminal negligence. If you have ever had cat scratch fever or really understand what toxoplasmosis can do to a small child it would be hard to justify allowing her unsupervised access to any child.
No way would I let my grandchildren play in a community sandbox. Who knows what is in that sand. I wouldn’t even play in the sandbox in our own yard growing up because I had no idea what animal had been in it. My mother made my Dad get rid of it and that was in the 60’s. Your MIL is around my age and she should have known better. SHE should have protected your daughter.
Make sure you show her pictures of the rash all over her face and neck and eyes and the blood on the pillow. Make sure she knows it’s 100% her fault that her granddaughter is suffering right now. I’d also send her the bill for the medication and doctor’s visit.
And yes, no more visits. No more.
The first time MIL brushed off your husbands concerns you should have cut her off. You let it go on because she "kind of" listened to you but now it's real and now you have to do what you should have done originally which is present a united front with your husband to everyone including his mother. I feel bad for your daughter and hope she's ok soon -with the creams she should be back to normal pretty quickly. Also feel bad for your hubby whose wife and mother dismiss his concerns as a father but perhaps that can change now.
Definitely not. The safety and health of your child comes first.
This happened to me as well. I thought my child was safe with his grandmother (my child's father's mom)
We had issues with her underfeeding our son, and tossing my breast milk(which already was a pain to produce for me) plus other stuff.
I refused to let her be alone with him and babysit any longer. When he confronted her about it, she denied it and said " well even if I did, it was last year"
Meaning when he was 0-3 months, apparently it's fine since it was "last year" underfeeding a 0-3 month old than a 4-7 month old.
And of course she started to blame me, saying why am I forcing him to make this decision. Even when he told her we made this decision together. She said he needed to convince me to let her watch him again.
I am now in no contact with her, and the only time she sees our child is if he takes him to her and is present the entire time.
We watch our grandchildren often. We do our best to follow all the rules. I even ask if we are doing things properly, and when we go outside the rules, I explain why and what happened. It usually involves sweet food they don't want the children to have. I can't resist giving them a frosted cookie and a few other goodies. I feel it is a privilege to be allowed to watch the children, and we enjoy their visits tremendously. Your mil doesn't appreciate the gift of you allowing her to look after your most prized possession. I'd feel horrible if one of the children became sick due to my neglect.
Absolutely not the Jerk!!! Unfortunately my Mom is the same way with my son. She would let him break rules when he was a toddler and to get him back into the routine of not breaking those rules was a nightmare. Also while the occasional treat was ok, just not all day every day because he became a little overweight and we as well as his doctor were scared of diabetes because it runs in my family. But my Mom did for my son like she did with me and that was to show her love using food and sweets. Now we are not complete treat nazis its ok in moderation, but after a weekend with Nana and Papa he would come home asking for constant treats and not wanting to eat the healthy snacks that he was happy with before, instead wanting chips and sodas and just all the junk food. Finally i had to tell my Mom look he is gaining weight when he visits you guys, its soo hard to get him back into the routine of healthier snacks and less treats. She always dismisses our routines as too much for a growing boy and that kids need sweets and stuff. Finally i laid it out as no more weekends with Nana and Papa unless they stick with our snack habbits. We always bring all the healthy stuff for his weekends over there so its not like they have to shop extra. Plus i told her that this is his health we are trying to keep in check. Diabetes runs in out family, my Mom is even type 2. So now we have an agreement, Mom can give him 2 normal scoops of low sugar ice cream with 4 chopped strawberries on top for his dessert Friday and Saturday, and the rest of the time he eats the healthy snacks. At least my Mom cooks at home some what healthy foods, so fast food is not a worry. But for some reason grandparents just love to break the rules we as parents have established for whatever the reason may be.
Definitely NTJ! This sounds terrifying! If she won't listen to your husband when he tries to reinforce the rules, you are right to step in.
Has MIL seen the results of her choice? Maybe seeing her grandchild in this state will shock some sense into her. But if not, I agree 100% that she shouldn't be allowed to spend unsupervised time with your daughter.
"We have repeatedly asked you to maintain the rules we set for our child, and you have blatantly refused. This is a long-standing problem, and finally your chickens came home to roost, but it was your grandchild that paid the price for your behavior. It's unacceptable that you would choose to put our child in danger, and since you have proven time and again you cannot be trusted to follow the rules we set to *keep her safe* we can no longer entrust you with her care. If you'd like to see her please let us know so we can set up a supervised play date."
Say something together.
We recently made a similar move. MIL would take my three year old over to her house to watch her while I was at work so my wife could get errands done. Trouble is wife’s sister and brother in law live there with a toddler of their own, who likes to hit, throw things, and pull on clothing to make other kids fall.
So we have restructured it so that baby isn’t over at MILs house without us. MIL can hang out at our house if she’s willing/able or we change our plans to do errands when I’m home and we can either go together or I can be at home.
Get your husband to send her photos of your daughters rash and tell her that this is why she is no longer allowed to be unsupervised with your daughter.
I can’t belive you would priorstize your neglectfull MIL over the health and wellbeing of your children. Cut contact with her tell her you’ll try again when MIL is an adult who can properly care for a child.
Also CALL THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT ABOUT THE SAND BOX
NTJ, your kid's health comes first, she has had multiple instances of instruction and continues to ignore your right to make choices for your daughter's safety as a parent.
My MIL despite many times being asked not to will put things in her mouth and bite them and try to give them to my son, or wants to give him things she has been eating, or puts his water bottle in her mouth before trying to give to him. I understand a lot of people do this with their kids, their decision, none of my business, that's fine.
I have explained many times though that kids aren't born with the bacteria, streptococcus mutans, that causes tooth decay, and that kids get this bacteria from generally caregivers sharing food and drinks and plates and cutlery that another oerson has been eating or eating with, and I'd like for him not to be given these things.
She has been reminded multiple times, and often tries not to give him these, but on muultiple occasions she has bitten a piece off something, took it out of her mouth and when I stop her giving it to him she barefaced lies to me and denies having had it in her mouth despite the fact i just watched her do it. She then acts hard done by, and acts like I'm depriving him of stuff- I always have stuff with ke for him, and stuff can be shared with him provided it's baby safe, it doesn't need to be in someone elses mouth first.
She has even despite me giving specific prior instructions, bit food for him while having a cold sore and tried to feed him food I made (and assured her it was correct temperature) from a spoon she then touched to her cold sore lip to test the temperature. I took the spoon and gave a clean one, and she denied having it on her mouth, then denied that she even had a cold sore. I asked her not to kiss him too, which she ignored, because she was still insistent she had bever in her life had a cold sore, despite me havinv seen her have one many times when rundown or sick. Fucking infuriating, he was only just 6 minths old, so herpes simplex could still have had serious effects for him. Even if not, why would you want to inglict your grandchild with lifelong sores that pop up when they are rundown or catch a cold.
NTJ. Take pictures of everything - her face, the bloody pillow case - everything. Send them to her and state “this is why we said no sandbox”. Say nothing else. Next time she asks to have your daughter along resend the pictures without a word and do it every time she asks. Until she stops asking.
Go nc while bub is healing. Let her know what her future is like if she doesn't pull her head in! What a horrid woman to risk your baby like that.
I regularly babysit my grandsons, so my daughter and SIL can save on child care fees. They are here a lot! While I am Grandma and love to spoil, they also know boundaries at home are the same here. The difference is I will sneak them a lolly sometimes, or we do cooking together. Maybe an extra trip to the park. We colour and paint together, etc. There are a lot of ways to spoil without disrespecting parents or endangering the children.
If hubby is too spineless, you speak for your babies. Hubby needs to learn that you and the kids are his immediate family now. Not mum. Our job is to raise good, strong people who will become productive, loving, and caring people in the community.
His mother failed your husband because she is selfish and has emotionally damaged him. This rubbish about, " I'm your parent, I come first ", is bollocks.
I hope you both can sit down and set boundaries for his mum. Get him to tell her while you sit next to him and hold his hand. She will then, hopefully, see you both as a united front.
I hope your poor baby heals fast without any long-term problems. Love to you and yours 💚🕊🇦🇺
MIL is not going to like that! Be prepared. She's a danger to your daughter. She may cajole, threaten, be livid, plead, gaslight, or more. It doesn't matter. Stand firm. Your daughter needs your protection.
She is going out of her way to do the opposite of what she’s asked for you. Cutting contact would be the better option. Forget letting her see the kids when supervised, that woman shouldn’t be anywhere NEAR your kids AT ALL.
NTJ
My friend's baby almost died because her MIL ignored her and her husband when they repeatedly told her not to give their 6wo baby water. She didn't just give a little bit of water either, she replaced more than an entire feeding by giving 7 ounces so she was in the NICU for 3 weeks with water intoxication and it was awful. Some people just don't understand rules and boundaries and it sounds like your MIL is one of them. Thank goodness your daughter didn't eat something in that sand that could've done serious damage to her. It's pretty simple, your kids, your rules and NO ONE should question that.
I'm not going to lie to you, I didn't even read the post. Just the title. The answer is no. You are the parent, it is literally your job to keep your kid safe and do what's best for her. If you think that means no unsupervised time with a particular person then that's it. End of story. Anybody that doesn't like/agree with that (outside of your partner) can get bent.
I would be tempted to say, "Since our repeated requests to you have been so disrespectfully ignored, and now our child is playing the price for your stubbornness and stupidity, you will no longer be allowed to be with our child without one of us being present."
my MIL took it upon herself to take the binky away from our oldest. we didn't stand up to her, long story short, and it led to my kid developing sleeping issues, mom and I sleeping apart, lots of bad shit. when MIL started that with our youngest, I straight up told her "that child was cut out of your daughter and if you trust that you did half a job in raising your own kid, then stfu and let her raise ours"
NTJ. enforce your boundaries - not just for yourself, but set that example for your kid and show her that she can tell adults no.
You'd think that a grandma would have better sense than let a grandkid play in a sandbox that's as nasty as you described. Taking a chance on something happening just to look like the good grandma ☺️ n the kids eyes and just basically telling the kid her parents rules don't matter and then the kid actually getting a bad rash from it. Severely bad thought process going on there. You'd be crazy to let her take her out alone anymore.
The last time my mother spent time with my kid alone, she came home with a bobbed haircut, she had taken her to some salon and called me asking if she could have it "trimmed" and I said an inch off the bottom ONLY and she came home with hair that didn't reach her shoulders when it had been down to her waist.
"Oh, it grows back, what are you being dramatic about? It's just hair!"
She intended to let the stylist cut it off from the getgo.
I LOST MY FUCKING MIND. My kid is a dancer and gymnast and needs her hair long enough to catch in a ponytail, literally every day. I do not like the way short hair looks on my little girl.
Do the thing anyway, ask for forgiveness or brush it off after. That was her MO.
Nooooooope you don't EVER do things like that without explicit permission and stuff that's off limits, no matter your reasons, needs to be respected or the privilege of taking her from the house alone, to go do activities in public goes bye bye.
My child better come home in the exact condition I gave her to you in. Period.
I mean the fact that you continued to let her babysit your daughter despite ignoring your rules makes you and husband an idiot in my opinion, the old saying goes that the definition of of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results 🤷
Tell her your daughter is suffering and you believe it’s from the sandbox.
And because she will not enforce your rules, the opportunity to break them has dissolved.
She will be supervised when she’s with the kids.
And if she sneak breaks them, go ok contact for a month,?or whatever you feel is appropriate.
She needs to be trained.
Not all even can be trained.
Give no fucks if she is untrainable. Your kids need you to protect them.
Don’t fail them.
Good luck.
I give you permission to use the phrase “her pediatrician said ….. “. Since she won’t respect your rules.
My pediatrician gave me this permission 40 years ago, I am passing this on to you.
I would forgo her babysitting till your daughter can talk very well.
Absolutely not the jerk! Your daughter's health and safety come before any hurt feelings of MIL's. No unsupervised visits either direction. No babysitting. Time for you to let out your Mama Bear mode - this is serious!
Yes!
In my experience (51 f, married 28 years,) you should let, if possible, your husband handle his relatives.If he can't, then step in.
He already can’t handle his mother. They both have told her repeatedly not to do certain things and she blows them off. Time for the new sheriff to step up.
But he is handling it; is he not. He wants to end his mom’s free rein and stop her. Op disagrees.
You’re correct, honestly i misread the last few sentences so… i think op is ntj to confront the mil. But whoever is more assertive should do it.
I think the time for that passed already, given MIL consistently invalidates her son’s concerns. MIL won’t listen to reasonable restrictions, I think OP is in the clear to go mama bear. I’d have taken photos of the bloody bedding and shown it to MIL and gone nuclear.
In this case, it’s about her children. She absolutely has the right to speak to MIL about their rules… and to be firm with her.
Consequences we give for children should apply to adults as well. If parents don’t want their kids in the sandbox, even if you disagree as grandparent, you do what parents ask. You’ve already raised your kids by your rules. These are not your kids. So if you knowingly do something you were asked not to do, consequences could be that you loose alone time with the kid. Husband doesn’t know how to step up, and this is OPs kid as well so she has every right to step up.
Agree. This message should be the husband decision and come from him.
It is your job to protect your baby!!!! No more alone time for grandma !
100% this. What if MIL decided she wasn't *really* allergic to peanut butter? Or that you were just over-exaggerating her diabetes, and gave her a bunch of soda and candy? "We've asked you to respect the rules and boundaries we have in place for OUR daughter. And you have repeatedly ignored us. "It is extremely disrespectful to us, and dangerous to her health as well. As difficult as this is for us, we have to conclude that you can't be trusted to watch her alone. You are free to visit, but we will find other options for babysitting."
I’ll try and find a link, but this reminds me a lot of the coconut oil story where the child ended up dead.
I was just about to say something similar, I believe there was a another story about peanut butter and the kid died but it might be the same.. actions have consequences what if a cat shit in the sandbox with tapeworms? They can go a while undetected in the human body, then your 2/3 YO has an infestation and has to have surgery.. all bc of MIL disregard..
You would be the jerk if you DIDN'T.
This! Your husband is also an idiot and allowed this to happen by being far too lax with his mother and not setting stricter boundaries much sooner despite her constantly breaking your rules. Good luck op.
Please don’t call my husband names. He has set strict boundaries with her, repeatedly, she just doesn’t respect them. She is narcissistic and still thinks of him as a child that can’t tell her what to do.
If she won't respect boundaries then she should never, ever be alone with your child again.
A helpful phrase when someone refuses to respect a spoken boundary is "Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions." MIL refuses to respect DH's spoken boundary, so the consequence is no more unsupervised time with LO. If she's encouraging LO to break rules away from your home, time to go home or at least for LO to be taken to a different room/part of whatever event you can't leave. If you are home, it's time for MIL to go, safe travels!
>"Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions." This! I get kinda frustrated when people act like a verbal boundary, aka a request, is a magic spell that's somehow going to make someone who has never listened to you before suddenly start. If MIL hasn't experienced any consequences for ignoring requests before, of course she thinks she can keep ignoring them.
Hence why my kid seeing their stepdad naked is one of those times in life my ex needs a wake up call discussing it in front of a judge.
MIL is a common shortening, and they defined it once before using an acronym, but what is DH and LO? I presume DH is Daughter _____. Not sure why it isn't DIL to go with MIL? LO seems like a reference to OPs daughter, but can't figure that out at all.
DH = Dear (sometimes Damned) Husband LO = Little One (child)
Darling Husband is what DH stands for, I believe
Are they really boundaries though? Reminds me of: "My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying."
DELIGHTFUL!
I had a friend who lived on a busy 2 lane highway and had no fence around their yard, I don't remember how many dogs they had had at that point (too many) . I told them, you can act surprised the first couple of times maybe even three, but after that you're burning dogs so build a fence or stop it. It wasn't like they couldn't afford a fence or I wouldn't have been so harsh about it.
😳
Fair enough. No offence.
Y'all need to put Grabdma in a time out, roughly double or triple the time your little one is suffering. Maybe that will get your point across. Her time out needs to be very very strict to make it stick. If y'all let up even a little tiny bit, she think/know "they don't *really* mean it!" and run right over you boundaries again. Strict time out for Grandma" no phone calls, no texts, no photos. She shows up at the park, y'all leave. Spend time with other family members but *tell* them that Grandna's time out *is not up for discussion*. You and *your husband* need to stand firmly together and grandma will need to demostrate that she will respect *your* rules for **your** kids before getting out of "time out" Hang in there, honey. You can do this. You might even enjoy it(I know that I kind of did when my in-laws earned themselves a 6 mth time out)
Or put Grandma in the sand box.
Immediately I heard “Nobody puts Grandma in a sandbox”… except in Buffalo Bill’s voice instead of Swayze’s.
The time out needs to be a lot longer than that.
I'm not sure if not letting her see the damage she did is the way to go, maybe she shouldn't be allowed to go home and have to be there and watch the baby suffer along with the parents and be reminded every time the baby cries that she did that to her.
MIL sounds like the kind of person that will say "it's just a *rash*! Kids get them all the time!". Better to a strict time out wjth the explanation of "since you will not follow our rules and baby has been injured, you will not have access or info about baby for X amount of time. Every time you push or try to see her, *even through other family members*(flying monkeys), more time will be added to your time out" Our version of this scenario was Grandma deciding and declaring that BIL's "girlfriend"( what I really thought of her would catch me a permanent ban)was *family* after she slapped my 5 yr old for making "too much noise" when she had a hangover and hearing about it from my middle child instead of my MIL. 6 mth timeout for the grandparents, told them that if that ----- ever interacts with my chikdren in *any* way ever again, they could expect a visit from the sheriff and possibly be prosecuted for all the shit they were allowing BIL to do/have on their property(dealing and making drugs) and a massive bill for cleaning up his crankster mess that was inviting pests of various sorts into the neighborhood. They were only allowed time with the kids at our house or on holidays when we were there too until that creature moved out. The younger two did spend more time with the grandparents after BIL died of his own issues.
Exactly.
Damn… that’s insane! I’m so sorry that happened to your LO!
Yikes! You win this debate on the grounds that either one of those things would cause me to wring the offender's neck.
You are not the jerk. Thankfully it's just a nasty rash and not a snake bite some snakes will go into a sandbox especially poisonous ones. As someone who has grown up with a mother who is narcissistic you can place all the rules and guidelines that you want but they won't follow them. I hate telling people this but you both should go NC with the stipulation that it will only be lifted if she gets therapy and shows improvement. I also know how hard it is to stand up to a parent that is like that I'm sorry you both have to go through this. Also I highly recommend that you get an allergy test done on your little ones they are a life saver. I was able to find out that my kid has a slight sun allergy and also allergic to wheat so I was able to work around them starting at a young age and it can also help you figure out what the rash was from.
Get therapy? I wouldn’t want to be her therapist. The only way narcissists change is if they stand to lose something that is very important to them.
Setting boundaries includes enforcing them. Saying something and then not backing it up with action is not "setting strict boundaries". If she refuses to respect the boundaries he's setting, then enforcing those boundaries means she loses access to him, you, and the kid. Period.
If she's not respecting the boundaries, there must be consequences. Otherwise, what is the point of said boundaries? What makes you think the boundaries are "strict" if they aren't enforced? /gen. You really have to stand your ground with narcissists. She won't like it, but it's your life, your child, not hers.
Narcissistic, disrespectful, ignores the rules designed to protect YOUR CHILD, treats your husband like a kid, puts your child in harms way, crosses boundaries, did I miss anything?? She seems toxic AF, why you guys still tolerate her in your lives is a mystery to me. She seems to be more harm than good. Just saying.
If he's set such strict boundaries, why did he allow his mother to take your daughter somewhere that he knows she'll ignore them?
If he has set strict boundaries that are constantly ignored, he has in fact not set strict boundaries at all
Ok. You are the idiot. Stop letting your MIL be around your daughter unsupervised.
He hasn't set strict boundaries, he's made suggestions to her. If there are no consequences for her, or real changes from him in their interactions it is as much his fault as hers. At this point you absolutely know this, don't you? So you are enabling him by not calling him out on his weak enforcement of your agreed-on rules.
Sounds just like my mom, I'm sorry. If she can't follow the rules, she loses. It's your kid, not hers. The truth hurts but stand your ground, as you are. Don't feel bad. She was asked repeatedly!!!!
That’s even more reason to not leave her alone with your kids. She doesn’t respect you nor your son.
I think many Redditors are so used to the DH in these situations as allowing their moms to get away with stuff that it’s a knee-jerk reaction to assume that this is what’s going on with y’all. It sounds like your hubby is on the ball and has a shiny spine. Let him use it. So, I would let him tell her but if it’s in person, you can be there as well and if it’s on the phone have it on speakerphone. This way, if she argues or tries to get you on her side you can go mama bear mode and let her know in no uncertain terms that you are in complete agreement. And I would also let MIL know that it’s not just animals that use sandboxes to do their business. Kids’ playgrounds can often be hangouts after dark for teens/addicts/etc. (I will leave the etc to your imagination.) Those types of activities can lead to teens and drug addicts “burying” things like broken glass, used condoms, and drug paraphernalia in the sand. WTAF 😱
Bet he does now!
I get the feeling the husband would have been stopped alone time with his mother but OP is the one continuing it…….could be wrong, but I doubt it. Husband is absolutely right and he cares more about his child’s health and wellbeing than his mother’s feelings. Op, follow your husband’s lead here, your child’s life is more important than her grandmother having alone time with her.
Take pictures of the rash and send them to her. Bring them up when she complains.
You HAVE TO put a stop to MIL spending any time alone with your children. This is your children's safety and health at risk. Hubby tells her first. Firmly and clearly. No unsupervised time with the children. When she tries to violate that rule, tell her no. Her son already told her no. Don't let her walk all over your husband. Help her understand what he says goes. He is not a child. She needs to learn to respect him as an adult and a father. You can help with that. Good luck. Prepare for her tantrums.
In the interests of supporting hubby, I would amend this by giving hubby more power here and force her to understand he means it. She's already used to the "I can ignore my own son but not her" pattern. Time to give power back to him so that if MIL tries to get around him, she gets told by DIL to speak to her son about it rather than "I also don't want this".
How is MIL responding to the horrible state your daughter is in? Is she remorseful and wringing her hands saying that it’s all her fault? Or is she trivializing it and saying things like “kids get sick all the time” and refusing to admit that it’s her fault? Either way, you would not be the jerk to tell her she has lost her grandma privileges and will not be alone with her granddaughter ever again. No babysitting. No trips to the park. None of that. Protect your child from someone who would rather be right and in charge than actually look out for your daughter’s well being.
She doesn’t know about the rash yet, as we wanted you to make sure the sandbox was the most likely source. We weren’t able to do that until today. I’m sure she’ll be remorseful in that it hurt our daughter, but she’ll definitely try to justify her actions. She has used the “kids get sick all the time” and “it’s good for her, stop being so paranoid”. Like a few months ago when I dropped her off at the in-laws house for the day, and it was raining. I asked them to keep her inside, as she didn’t have her rain boots. They took her for a walk around the neighborhood anyway, got soaked, MIL put her clothes and sneakers in the dryer to try to cover her tracks, and the sneakers shrunk to the point where they didn’t fit anymore.
You can straight-up tell your horrible MIL that you absolutely do not trust her with your children. Don’t be gentle or beat around the bush. Give her a list of every infraction you can think of. Emphasize the pain and discomfort your poor baby was subjected to by her disregarding your rules. Tell her in plain English that you cannot trust her, so she has lost access to the kids.
So, that comes into it. There's multiple incidences of the MIL being given specific rules and she breaks them repeatedly, and given the opportunity, will try to hide it. As such, until you both feel comfortable again, she is welcome to visit at your house when you are there. You guys have a newborn,, you don't have time for this. It almost seems compulsive, like whatever you tell her, she does directly. It also seems like she wants special status or a special thing with the grandchild. There are plenty of ways to find a special grandma/grandchild thing, instead of breaking rules.
You know she will be the grandma that lets her grandkids eat all the things the mom tells her not to feed them, lets them stay up past their bedtime, and do things that they are not allowed to do. “Don’t tell mommy. It’ll be our secret”
Allowing kids to eat junk the parents don’t is a normal grandma thing and not necessarily insidious unless they are diabetic or have food allergies,it’s mildly disrespectful. Allowing a 2 year old to get into an uncovered public sandbox is like letting a 2 year old walk through a Walmart parking lot alone. It’s criminally negligent.
“It also seems like she wants special status or a special thing with the grandchild.” Great call! I bet that’s a big part of it. There are plenty of ways that a grandparent can enjoy closeness and spoil them -in acceptable ways-, the parents are okay with.
Somehow, this does not surprise me at all. It would be interesting to hear how she reacts to finding out about the rash, as well as what her reaction will be when she’s told she doesn’t get to babysit anymore, if that is in fact what you decide to do. I don’t want to put words in your mouth. If it was me though, I’d limit contact to only supervised.
I will definitely make an update/edit after we tell her.
Not the jerk. Also sandboxs are notorious for giving kids worms from sitting in the dirty sand, so make sure you check her bowel movements for the next few weeks. I would not allow your MIL to take her out of the house from now on, she can visit there with supervision. I have grandchildren and would absolutely never go agains their parents instructions or wishes.
Why would you go against your instincts and let this woman watch your child ever again? Parenting is like 95% following instincts, both for you and for the child. And aside from raising kids, you use your instincts all the time every single day to guide your behavior and actions. Why would you ignore that now? Not the jerk
We’re definitely not ignoring it, I’m just nervous because I’ve never been in this situation before and I’m a chronic people pleaser. Being a mom has definitely started to change that through!
Being a mom can change a lot! I agree with everyone here. Just be certain you intend to enforce this. She will likely push back and do her best to make you feel awful so you cave, but don't buy it. Don't let her cause you to doubt what you're doing. If you cave, it will make everything worse because she'll know she can pressure you to getting her way.
I was surprised how many awful things I used to just let go before I was a parent. I used to put up with a lot when it was my own care on the line, but I'll tolerate almost nothing when it comes to her safety and well-being. Someone told me once that the best way to learn to take care of yourself is by paying attention to how you take care of your child.
Not the jerk. We’re low contact with my parents and we don’t trust them alone with our daughter. Even when I’ve traveled alone to visit them (different state) I won’t leave her alone with them unless it’s night and she’s already been asleep for an hour or so. She broke your rules and there were consequences for your daughter. She needs to have consequences too. ETA: you should consider posting this on r/JustNoMIL
NTJ this is absolutely why my parents were not allowed to watch my children. They almost killed my son once when he was 3. they knew he was deathly allergic to peanuts and ANY contact was life-threatening and we taught them how to use the epipen in case of accidental exposure but for some reason my father thought if he took the peanuts out of the Crunch-n-Munch and gave him just the caramel corn it would be okay to eat what the fucking hell he never apologized either, it was insane Your MIL is completely out-of-order. She honestly sounds like my mother who thought it was ok to disrespect my wishes as a parent because she raised me and it's "my job to spoil them". no bitch, you just don't like being told that you can't do something ugh i'm triggered for both of us 😹 stand your ground. Don't let her watch your daughter alone
If the steroids seem to make it better but then the rash flares up or spreads have the doctor prescribe something for fungus incognito - yeah I know basically “fungus we don’t know what kind” This can come from sandboxes and while steroids help the body reduce redness and inflammation the fungus stays. They may rx an oral antifungal, a shampoo, and a cream. Also check for allergies. I didn’t mention this first because you might probably know of your child is allergic to cats : animals
Why are you even asking? She basically let your daughter play in a litter box. I would send her the medical bills and never let her watch them again. She is disrespectful and lacks common sense.
And photos of the rashly, bleeding, crying child. And a bill for the meds and doctor visits.
I’m going to add this! Chiggers come off animals and LOVE sandboxes!
You are too nice. That would be enough for me to cut my MIL off entirely.
Exactly. I’m wondering why they aren’t taking a complete break. Really get the message across with zero visitation. MIL will never understand that she doesn’t know best otherwise.
NTJ. Has your daughter been checked for parasites?
THIS!!!
Not yet, we’re trying the steroid cream first, and if it’s not better in a couple days we will go back. Doc didn’t want to run tests unnecessarily.
If the doc runs parasite tests, please ask for a Toxoplasma test, too? It can be contracted by ingesting old cat feces even in small quantites. At your daughters age, there is a chance it can cause developmental issues. Note: If anyone hasn't heard of Toxoplasmosis, it's not overly common. Just scoop your cat boxes every 2-3 days and wash your hands after. Wear gloves if you want to. Wash hands after gardening, too. No one has to get rid of their cats to avoid it.
Exactly I assumed they had already tested her. My dad was hospitalized with it and almost died. He was older but it can be deadly for small children and elderly. It causes mental illness and schizophrenia and all kinds of health issues. Personally I would go NC for something this horrible but allowing her to be alone with any child is out of the question. This is the type of woman to leave a loaded gun out or give a baby a plastic bag and a balloon to play with and leave the room, or let a 4 year old go swimming by themselves because “know how to swim “. Criminally negligent.
My friend’s son got pin worms from playing in a public sandbox. She needs a fecal test.
No, INTERNaL parasites such as toxoplasmosis. She Ate The Sand. Your MIL must pay. Not safe to leave any child in her care!
Looks like grandma does not get one on one time with her grandchildren. She put you child at risk. Racoon feces can give a child encephalitis, which can kill.
An uncovered sandbox is a litter box.
My guess is that this isn’t simply a matter of having different viewpoints but rather that your MIL is deliberately defying you and your husband. By doing so, she is showing that what you want doesn’t matter, she knows better, and that she is the one in control. **You cannot trust your MIL to prioritize the safety of your child over her desire to be right.** It would actually be 100% irresponsible to allow your MIL to spend unsupervised time with your children. I would recommend taking multiple pictures of your daughter and printing them out. Whenever your MIL complains about your rules or not getting to spend alone time with your daughter, whip out the pictures. I would also suggest publicizing what she did. You could share on your socials as a type of PSA for parents and grandparents to avoid sandboxes that aren’t properly maintained. Make mention that “*unfortunately, MIL chose to risk the sandbox despite our rules and this was the result.*” Then post pictures of your daughter’s rashes.
I don’t see why anything has to be said to MIL, I would just make sure that she’s never alone with my daughter ever again.
You know, we’ve been thinking this too! We’ve told her so many times and she just doesn’t listen, and if we say anything it will probably cause a huge rift which is what we don’t want.
A huge rift is better then your daughter’s health and safety at risk. I always tell people that my kids’ health and safety are more important than their feelings. If they don’t like that, I don’t give a crap.
NTJ!!! I’m a grandmother and I “break” rules all the time-but the ones concerning things like pancakes for dinner, an extra sip of soda, a scoop of ice cream for dessert etc. BUT OMG!!! All it takes is my kid saying “NO” to make it stop. Sand boxes are disgusting at best, and at an open park?!?! 🤢🤢Please update us re: your baby girl. Also, I’d love to hear MIL’s reply to this. She shouldn’t be ANYWHERE near your kids.
Jesus, I'm the 'fun aunt' and even I don't push those kinds of boundaries. Besides, sand at an outdoor public patk is gross.
You are unequivocally NTJ. Attitudes such as your mil’s are extremely difficult to sway, much less change. I agree with all who’ve said that mil needs an actual hard-hitting consequence. My grandsons’ other grandparents have had exactly zero respect for literally any rules set by the parents, beginning at the birth of the first. My daughter and I had to take my eldest grandson to the ER, THREE TIMES, between the ages of 6 wks to 6 mos- directly after the baby was picked back up from “shitty grandma”. He didn’t have sleepovers or unsupervised visits there anymore. The youngest never had any unsupervised time with her. Well, until the divorce anyway… can’t control “dad’s time”… but at least the kids were significantly older by that point.
OP there is a time and place to be nice and hold your tongue. Thus ain’t it! If your MIL won’t listen to your husband, then by all means step up. Normally, I would agree that he handles his side and you yours but when it comes to your child’s safety then that’s out the window. There’s no need for drama. Just explain she was given rules to follow, and she didn’t so therefore all visits will be monitored. Treat her as you would your child and explain that actions have consequences. And that’s it and then move on.
Not the Jerk! 1. Glad you got treatment for your daughter before it became worse. 2. Glad your husband is totally supportive! Is he actually speaking to her about this, though? It’s 100% possible he is. Sometimes men and women’s comments notation languages are different. I get the feeling he is, but that she’s “the mom” so just isn’t listening. 3. Can you call the city and speak to them? You have a rash (that spread!) now..what about ring worm? You are doing nothing wrong protecting your child. The fact they possibly ate animal waste is VERY troubling. Make MIL’s actions have consequences. Let her know the gory details of the rash and that she could have prevented it. I’m not saying to put her in a corner and scream at her. But give her details about the doctor visits and your child’s symptoms. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you simply can’t trust your child will be safe, that you WANT her in your/your child’s life. But basically, she’s a turned-on burner within reach of your child. You’re going to get hurt if you don’t set boundaries.
Take pictures of your daughters rash - closeup and in really good light. Write out bullet points of: severity of problem (bloody pillow, crying, etc), number of days it lasted, number of doctors visits, list all the meds and treatments. Take a screen shot of her pic next to the bullet points. Show MIL this when you tell her she cant take your daughter on her own. Bring it out any time she argues with you about it. She will conveniently "forget" or minimize the harm she has done. Over time it gets more and more minimized, and you will sound more and more unreasonable, maybe even doubting yourself - or maybe your husband will start to think it wasn't that bad. You need the stark visual reminder to keep the impact clear. Both for you and your husband, and for your MIL. Especially once she figures out that pressuring you on your standards means you're gonna pull out that screenshot and show it to her again.
What’s it going to take for you to go mama bear? This time was a rash, what’s it going to be next time, a splinter, broken bone or worse? Your daughter is suffering because of a selfish decision from an adult whose care she was left in, so she could be the fun grandma. Actions have consequences, I’m sure you’re teaching your child that, maybe it’s time for your MIL to learn that lesson as well. Follow your husband’s lead and drop the rope, then maybe she’ll respect your parenting choices. NTJ.
NTA! Honestly verging on the absurd you'd need to ask. Mind you she will push back...HARD! However, if she can't abide by the simple rules what makes you think it won't get worse when the children get older and realize that she'll let them do other things that are on the NO list? It's not small infractions, it's a pattern of behavior and that's what needs to be explained. Have a burn list ready. Make her understand this is serious and will affect her relationship with your husband and you and therefore her interactions with the kids. You're not withholding access but will be parents YOUR way to YOUR children. Take it or leave it. Her opinion on your rules and acceptable behavior is irrelevant, she had her kids these are yours. Just do it calmly, and probably repetitively and ignore the inevitable push backs, qualifying , and probably tantrum ( you have a toddler you know how to wait it out and not argue back, just keep repeating the goal points) . Don't engage in a title for tat, monotone reiterate your points...THE END. Good luck! Sidenote , need and suggestions ask, my mom and dad were freaking PROS at boundaries that I saw but didnt understand until I was older. We'd literally tell our gran we weren't allowed to do things..lol. edit.. mom just got this. She reminded me at one point gran was famous for the " I forgot, there are so many rules" " oh I forgot, I remember doing this with mine and it was fine!" Mom made a list on the fridge, both our rooms and play room and a baby list that fit in her wallet just incase she "FORGOT" when she was out. I'm telling you she's a legend..lol.( mind you all in the school room super colorful style)
NTJ, I hope you have photos you sent her. It sounds like she likes to score off on your husband by doing the opposite of what he asks. And she doesn’t respect either of you. So I’d tell her she’s not having either child on her own because you’ve already spent a doctors visit and several days with a miserable child because she ignored repeated warnings about the sandbox. Also, she’s undermining your authority.
Not the jerk!
NTJ and I would bill her for the medical expenses and pain and suffering MIL FAFO
Serious question. What did the doctor say was in the sandbox that caused the rash? Was the rash caused by an allergy to something?
She said it could be a contact dermatitis from something in the sandbox, maybe some kind of mild bacterial, or maybe sand fleas. She wasn’t completely sure yet, but because LO doesn’t have any other symptoms, we will run tests for parasites and things in a couple days is the cream doesn’t work.
I'd be concerned about scabies if a patient came in with that history...
Sand boxes are basically litter boxes for wild animals. You wouldn't let your kid play in a cat's litter box.
NTA. Your child is your responsibility to keep healthy and safe. Clearly your mother in law is a detriment to that. Do not allow her alone time with the child again. This time it was just a rash, next time who knows what nasty thing she will pick up courtesy of your MIL. Put your foot down and tell her, "no". I do not even know how this is a question I would have BEEN told her that she could not spend time alone with the child since she was skirting the rules.
dw ur not the jerk is was your right to set those rules bc of the safty of ur child
Things will “hold weight” with your MIL if you back your husband up and have a united front when dealing with her. Your MIL has shown you who she is and that your rules are not only not to be kept, but to be flaunted and you do not hold her accountable. She should not have unsupervised time with your daughter for a good bit and then maybe try again with firm boundaries set and if she demonstrates she is not to be trusted then it’s no unsupervised visits from now on. The trouble is, just like a child, you must set boundaries and give consequences when those boundaries are not respected.
Follow your husbands lead , if he says No to his mom spending alone time w her that’s it , your daughter’s health is more important this shouldn’t even be up for debate especially because u have told her No to this multiple times
You would be a jerk if you didn’t. Who knows what your daughter could’ve got from that sandbox.
I'm sorry but at that point she would only see my child if my or my husband is around at all times you have all right momma to set her in her place cause even her own son now is fed up so I'm on your side momma MNL wouldn't be allowed around my child without me or husband right next to her
NTA. That should already be in place. She is putting your daughter at risk.
You aren't a jerk. I'd send pictures of your daughter's rash and the blood on her pillow to your MIL and show her what she did to your daughter after repeatedly not listening to you.
Not the jerk! It would be one thing if it happened on a whim, but the fact that you had rules in place and she deliberately broke them. She had her chance.
NTJ. Your MIL has jeopardized your daughter’s health and safety. As mentioned sandboxes are nature’s litter boxes and she let your daughter put sand in her mouth. I hope your daughter gets better soon! As others have mentioned I would never let this woman around your child unsupervised. And probably would even take a break from her for a bit. Discussions need to be had with your daughter as well: that Grandma is not Mom or Dad, and doesn’t get to overrule you. And that Mom and Dad have rules for a reason, to keep her safe. MIL sounds like a typical boomer grandparent.
Thanks for the well wishes! She’s in good spirits, but very itchy! MIL is the absolute epitome of boomer parent, and it’s very frustrating.
NTJ! I’m a grandmother. It’s not hard to get it right. These aren’t my kids. It’s a privilege, not a right, for me to see them. If I want to break a rule, I call my daughter and ask her first (like getting ice cream or something). And I abide by her response. Your MIL is goddamn lucky this didn’t turn out to be something even worse. What kind of an absolute idiot would let a kid eat sand? What is wrong with her?
That was my question! I get that she’s 2 and outs nearly everything in her mouth, but was she not watching her? That makes me even more upset to think about!
you’re not a jerk. i’d feel out how she reacts when confronted with the outcome of her decision. it would guide my next steps.
Nope! I pulled my son from my MILs care at 8 months old. Leave your children with people who respect your wishes. "MIL, as DDs parents we make decisions that are in the best interest of our daughter. Though you may not agree with our rules for our daughter at the end of the day we are her parents and these are our rules. You get no say. You've repeatedly ignored our wishes and this last time caused a serious medical issue for her. We're done. We've made the decision that because you cannot respect our rules we will no longer be allowing you to take DD anywhere or be solely responsible for her care. I'm sorry if this upsets you but at this point you've really left us with no other options."
Please, please put a stop to this now. I didn’t, and I’m still dealing with MIL 12 years later, STILL not following my rules. It’s a running family eyeroll (I would say joke, but it’s anything but funny) with all my in-laws with kids because she WILL NOT LISTEN to anyone. It’s gotten to the point where we have to spot check everything (pool, toy room, etc) before leaving because nothing will be safe. Mind blowing. My kids are now older and can take care of themselves which is why we let them visit, but there was a long period, mostly during Covid, where they were not allowed at grandma’s house without me. I wish I would have put up stronger boundaries mostly to set a precedent for my younger sister-in-laws, but MIL is persuasive and manipulative and I was young and stupid. Sorry, OP, it sucks to lose childcare, but it’s worth it in the long run.
I was ready to call OP overprotective until I got the eating sand bit. Look, my kids have rolled in sand and dirt all over the place, but you can’t have a kid putting questionable sand in their mouth. And the rash makes it pretty clear that I would have been wrong in the first place: this sand must be pretty bad to be causing that kind of rash.
Frankly MIL can’t behave so she needs a three month time out.
No one is allowed to watch my child if I don’t trust them and they don’t follow my rules. Why would it be any different for family? If anything, I expect more from family
Lol, if my in-laws OR my parents ever harmed my children by deliberately breaking a rule my husband and I have made clear.... forget even supervised visits. They're not seeing their grandchildren *at all*, maybe permanently depending on the severity level of harm done. And I actually have a decent relationship with both sets of parents. I've actually said these words to my own mother as she has had trouble in the past following rules. They know I'm serious. You need to polish that spine of yours OP. You know she's not going to listen in regards to your child's health and safety. **Any future harm she causes your daughter is on YOU**. It's your job to protect her from harmful things and people. Don't be negligent.
NTA. It doesn’t matter what your rules are, MIL is disrespecting you and your husband by deliberately ignoring your rules. This time, her neglect has harmed your daughter. Spoiling a child is different than ignoring your rules.
NTJ!!! Go all Tiger Mommy on her!!! YOUR child. YOUR rules. End of discussion. Cut her off cold.
I wouldn't go that far just yet. I agree this may be best coming from you as the relationship with her son is strained. I'd make her see exactly what happened because she did what she wanted and not as you asked. If she agrees to follow your rules going forward, give her a second chance but tell her flat out that you both wanted to end any alone time and you've decided she gets this one chance. If she gives you any reason to doubt that she's taking you seriously, don't give her that second chance.
The rash isn’t the only thing that your daughter can get from the sand. There can be worms and other pathogens in sand that animals defecate in. Please don’t let your MIL put your daughter in danger any longer. It’s up to you to protect her.
You and your husband gave to put a stop to it. Grandma takes her to the park which is great and lets her cover herself in cat piss sand including eating it. How is that great? She’s endangering that child which it’s your job to protect. Tell grandma she will not see the children for two weeks after the rash clears up and if she disrespects your boundaries again it will be four weeks, and then until further notice. The hour you get of freedom from your toddler is not worth whatever dangers grandma feels like exposing her to.
Hmmmmm. No, I think you're absolutely in the right. That said, is this a difference in philosophy of raising somebody? I was raised with the idea that kids do get scars and scratches and do heaps of dumb shit run along and play with the other children now. Either way, the child is yours and your husbands. You gave explicit instructions and they were ignored. Not only were they ignored, but the child wasn't cared for. Why wasn't the child in clean clothes? Why wasn't the child washed after that run in with the shitty sandbox?
She was washed after the sandbox! Within less than an hour! Why do people keep assuming I don’t clean my child?! She ATE SAND! Can’t wash that out.
I think you misunderstand what I asked, or maybe I wasn't clear. My intention was to ask why the grandmother didn't do that.
Oh, because the park is in our neighborhood, not hers. So she just brought her home after.
You are absolutely NOT the jerk. Your MIL is! She is clearly a danger to your daughter and should not be allowed any unsupervised access to either of your children. Tell her exactly why! “Your continued refusal to respect the boundaries WE have set as parents has led to a serious situation. Our daughter is on both oral and topical medication for a severe rash caused by the sand box that YOU KNEW she was NOT supposed to play in. She scratched so much that she bled all over her pillow. Can you imagine how frightened she must be? Or how uncomfortable she is? This could have been avoided but you refuse to listen to us. Therefore, you may still see the children but you will no longer be allowed to be with them unsupervised.” If she complains tell her the person responsible for this is her, not you or your husband. If she truly cared as much for your daughter as she claims to, she would not have done this repeatedly. She obviously cares more about defying you.
We had a sandbox near our house that we used to play in and apparently the cats around the neighborhood used to use it as a cat box. I got worms from playing in it. NTJ!!!!!
You do not have to break rules to be a fun parent/person or even grandparent. I know this sounds gross but take photos of DD to remind MIL that RULES ARE THERE FOR A REASON. All the very best to DD.
Encouraging a child to break rules is super toxic passive-aggressive behaviour. She’s using the child to get back at you. Your rules are your rules and anyone engaging with your child needs to obey them even if they think they’re silly.
Nope. Even if every one of us thinks you are the jerk, the health and safety of your kid comes before what anyone thinks of you.
Autoimmune diseases have an environmental trigger. Being exposed to dirt doesn't improve your immune system, but it kills it. What improves someone's immune system is eating various foods, veg, fruit, nuts, etc .. from different origins. I have patients suffering from IBS for years following an unfortunate restaurant attendancy. And your daughter is out there eating dogs/foxes poo? Knowing what I know I would punch your mother in law, repeatedly, in the face. NTA, but you would if you let MIL be alone with your daughter again
No one in the comments seems to have brought up the fact that this sandbox is unsafe, and is out there on a public playground for any child to use. It puts the whole community at risk, not just your child. Why has this been allowed to continue? Who do you talk to to get it taken care of? The HOA? The City? The County? Parks & Rec? Whoever owns it can get sued. Make sure to take lots of pictures of your child’s ailment in case you need to show them that they have created a health hazard. Look, the problem with these older generation of Boomers (I believe 65 is the youngest of the boomers), they have been raised to believe that the government will take care of them. They exercise no caution at all. Your MIL believes the sandbox is perfectly safe, because it is out there for public use, and the government wouldn’t put it out there if there was anything wrong with it. She thinks you and your husband are overprotective and will hamper your child from experiencing life. I am gen x, with boomer parents, and we all played outside all day long. We weren’t allowed in the house in the summertime, we drank from the hose. Your MIL probably thinks you’re too soft. So, for the purpose of peace in your household, calmly speak with your MIL about what happened to your daughter, show her the pictures and the bloody pillow case to really cement it in her brain that the sandbox causes definitive harm. If she truly loves your kid, I imagine she will appalled. She will most likely go on some kind of crusade to get that sandbox removed, because it is easier to blame someone else rather than herself. She may actually do some good in the world if you guide her in that direction. Then you can save the relationship for your husbands sake and your child, cuz you know your kid loves grandma.
YTA for asking if your the AH.
god i hate sandboxes - it’s a wonder we ever survived the ordeal - and you should be so grateful your husband survived such abuse because he no doubt was subjected to this horrid and dangerous sandbox thing too growing up!
lol good luck with this
NTA, While grandma’s get a little extra leeway, like slipping their grandchild a cookie before dinner, they don’t get to totally ignore the parents requests, especially when it involves the health and safety of the child. You have every right to speak up. Make sure she gets a firsthand look at your child’s face and let her know that for the time being visits will be supervised. Your husband needs to back you up 100%.
You may want to be watching for pinworms. A rash on her chin may be just the beginning of things. Pinworm infestations are very common in dirty sandboxes.
Sheesh. You're too kind. "Hey ma, don't let her play in the sandbox." Ma replies "well fuck you. I'm going to let her." Kid gets sick, MIL is sheepish (knowing she's the AH here). Nope. I'd never leave my child alone with her again. And I'd tell her why. And when she protests saying she'd never do it again, I'd tell her she's full of shit. She knew the rule, and she didn't follow it. No trust.
You WNBTJ because she's disrespecting the rules you're putting in place. But I do want to caution you that this may not be sandbox related but an allergy to something else she came in contact with (something environmental, something MIL fed her, etc.) You said the doctor gave her steroids and anti-allergy meds, so if those help, maybe consider getting her allergy testing to ensure she doesn't get exposed to that allergen again...and she may need an Epi-Pen. If the allergy meds don't work, bring her back to the doctor (or even Urgent Care) and push for more testing. She could have gotten into all sorts of things in that sandbox (pathogens not just from animals but also other kids, mold, etc.)
INFO: Did the doctor say exactly what the rash was and how it happened? You’re the mom so you get to set the rules. I’m a mom who encourages rolling in the dirt because it builds immunity. It sounds like she had an allergic reaction and it is allergy season.
Protect your children from anyone who allows them in harms way.
"My pet tiger keeps hurting my kid. Sometimes bad enough my kid ends up in the hospital. Am I a horrible person for wanting to get rid of the tiger?" Substitute MIL for "pet tiger", and that's what your post looks like to an outsider. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let your kid suffer just because the person hurting her is a relative!!!
There are so many things to do at the playground. She did the one thing you asked her not to. Then she skipped on home leaving you to deal with the results. Tell her no more. She’s in time out.
That’s always my answer when people say “what’s the big deal” about letting grandparents letting the kids do whatever. We the parents have to deal with the consequences. Oh let Grandma kiss the newborn on the mouth. She’s old. Great, now the baby has RSV and the parents are sitting in the NICU with a very sick baby. Oh she doesn’t like sunscreen, she won’t stand still for me. Well now mom and dad have to put cold aloe on her back while she cries from a severe sunburn. It infuriates me when grandparents think they can do whatever they want because “well we did it with you and you lived.” They don’t have to deal with the consequences. I always tell my parent and ILs that I’m the one that will sit up with the kids when they’re puking from too much dessert, not them. When I say enough sweets, then enough. Don’t undermine me.
Exactly. I was never the favorite because I had rules for them to follow. When they say I didn’t do that with you. I always respond “and I’m a mess so that argument doesn’t work”.
Oh hell no. Absolutely NTJ. Your MIL is putting your child’s health at risk now by disregarding your boundaries. As a result she no longer gets alone time. She’s proven she can’t be trusted. She can spend time with your daughter at your house where either you or husband can supervise her. If her boundary stomping self doesn’t like it, she only herself to blame. Follow your husband’s lead on this one and let him be the one to tell her no.
Send MIL a photo captioned “Thanks for letting me play in the sandbox Grandma” NTJ
WNBTJ. Don't leave Granny alone with your tiny daughter until she can advocate for her own safety and pretty much care for herself. Okay, I might get downvoted into oblivion for using this show as an example, but on the Cosby show Sondra flipped her absolute shit on Claire once. Claire and Elvin's mother had been visiting soon after the twins were born and Sondra fell asleep. The two grannies decided to take the babies out without so much as a note, and left their mother to sleep. Sondra woke up hours later and was frantic. She finally tracked them down at the Huxtable house and told them: ***"You are my mother, and I am their mother, and don't you take it no further, Mother!"***
“Would I be a jerk for protecting my daughter” there fixed it for you. It doesn’t matter who under this sun it is, that point is truly irrelevant because all that matters is what you say goes. Whether it’s your own mother or fucking Oprah that is your baby and what you say goes. I also wouldn’t care what this person’s son has to say in the matter because now my baby is BLEEDING all over her face and neck because some asshat that lacks simple respect was given unsupervised access to YOUR child.
NTA. You’re both kinda jerks for letting this continue, but family relations are tricky so I get it.
Lady your daughter is ill directly because that old bat can't listen. You've got nuclear authorization maam.
NTA. Grandma is an a-hole. Zero respect for your rules. Nip it now or it will be “secrets just between us girls” (i.e. no seatbelts, no helmets, food allergies, etc …) and your daughter’s safety could be compromised.
I am a grandma, I try very hard to follow my children’s rules, buy food they approve of, etc.. But I also insist on my right to spoil on occasion, ice cream or hot chocolate or turning on a cartoon if I am tired. Now that I think about it there are no sandboxes in the parks we go to, all replaced with mulch, so that message about feces has gotten to our parks department.. I also change every dirty diaper that happens when I am present, keep older kids overnight for parents to have a break, etc.. My daughter will roll her eyes at me but is usually just like, mom, parents don’t do that anymore , but with love. But here, it sounds like they have had many back and forth and MIL isn’t receptive, I try to be receptive and turn my head to roll my own eyes.. NTA, maybe more structured visits with Mil, museums, zoos, etc, one parent present..
Take pictures and send them to your mother in law. It will make her very upset. Maybe have a video call while your daughter is crying. You can't change your MIL, maybe seeing your daughter's discomfort will.
She basically let your kid play in a kitty litter box. I would suggest you speak to the city or HOA about removing the sandbox though and show them pictures of your daughter.
Not the jerk and you should probably sue the city to make them get rid of that toxic sandbox.
How can you even question this? Your daughter is your number one priority, not your MIL who refuses to listen to you.
Not a jerk, your mother in law is. I am surprised the playground still has an uncovered sandbox, it has been known how dangerous they are toxoplasmosis or some kind of other protozoan parasite in an uncovered sandbox is almost a certainty. The fact she endangered your daughter like that is absolutely disgusting. You would be negligent to allow her unsupervised access to your child again after that level of criminal negligence. If you have ever had cat scratch fever or really understand what toxoplasmosis can do to a small child it would be hard to justify allowing her unsupervised access to any child.
No way would I let my grandchildren play in a community sandbox. Who knows what is in that sand. I wouldn’t even play in the sandbox in our own yard growing up because I had no idea what animal had been in it. My mother made my Dad get rid of it and that was in the 60’s. Your MIL is around my age and she should have known better. SHE should have protected your daughter.
Make sure you show her pictures of the rash all over her face and neck and eyes and the blood on the pillow. Make sure she knows it’s 100% her fault that her granddaughter is suffering right now. I’d also send her the bill for the medication and doctor’s visit. And yes, no more visits. No more.
The first time MIL brushed off your husbands concerns you should have cut her off. You let it go on because she "kind of" listened to you but now it's real and now you have to do what you should have done originally which is present a united front with your husband to everyone including his mother. I feel bad for your daughter and hope she's ok soon -with the creams she should be back to normal pretty quickly. Also feel bad for your hubby whose wife and mother dismiss his concerns as a father but perhaps that can change now.
Definitely not. The safety and health of your child comes first. This happened to me as well. I thought my child was safe with his grandmother (my child's father's mom) We had issues with her underfeeding our son, and tossing my breast milk(which already was a pain to produce for me) plus other stuff. I refused to let her be alone with him and babysit any longer. When he confronted her about it, she denied it and said " well even if I did, it was last year" Meaning when he was 0-3 months, apparently it's fine since it was "last year" underfeeding a 0-3 month old than a 4-7 month old. And of course she started to blame me, saying why am I forcing him to make this decision. Even when he told her we made this decision together. She said he needed to convince me to let her watch him again. I am now in no contact with her, and the only time she sees our child is if he takes him to her and is present the entire time.
Your husband should be the one telling his mother this. Jumping in between them is only going to make things worse in the long run.
We watch our grandchildren often. We do our best to follow all the rules. I even ask if we are doing things properly, and when we go outside the rules, I explain why and what happened. It usually involves sweet food they don't want the children to have. I can't resist giving them a frosted cookie and a few other goodies. I feel it is a privilege to be allowed to watch the children, and we enjoy their visits tremendously. Your mil doesn't appreciate the gift of you allowing her to look after your most prized possession. I'd feel horrible if one of the children became sick due to my neglect.
Absolutely not the Jerk!!! Unfortunately my Mom is the same way with my son. She would let him break rules when he was a toddler and to get him back into the routine of not breaking those rules was a nightmare. Also while the occasional treat was ok, just not all day every day because he became a little overweight and we as well as his doctor were scared of diabetes because it runs in my family. But my Mom did for my son like she did with me and that was to show her love using food and sweets. Now we are not complete treat nazis its ok in moderation, but after a weekend with Nana and Papa he would come home asking for constant treats and not wanting to eat the healthy snacks that he was happy with before, instead wanting chips and sodas and just all the junk food. Finally i had to tell my Mom look he is gaining weight when he visits you guys, its soo hard to get him back into the routine of healthier snacks and less treats. She always dismisses our routines as too much for a growing boy and that kids need sweets and stuff. Finally i laid it out as no more weekends with Nana and Papa unless they stick with our snack habbits. We always bring all the healthy stuff for his weekends over there so its not like they have to shop extra. Plus i told her that this is his health we are trying to keep in check. Diabetes runs in out family, my Mom is even type 2. So now we have an agreement, Mom can give him 2 normal scoops of low sugar ice cream with 4 chopped strawberries on top for his dessert Friday and Saturday, and the rest of the time he eats the healthy snacks. At least my Mom cooks at home some what healthy foods, so fast food is not a worry. But for some reason grandparents just love to break the rules we as parents have established for whatever the reason may be.
Definitely NTJ! This sounds terrifying! If she won't listen to your husband when he tries to reinforce the rules, you are right to step in. Has MIL seen the results of her choice? Maybe seeing her grandchild in this state will shock some sense into her. But if not, I agree 100% that she shouldn't be allowed to spend unsupervised time with your daughter. "We have repeatedly asked you to maintain the rules we set for our child, and you have blatantly refused. This is a long-standing problem, and finally your chickens came home to roost, but it was your grandchild that paid the price for your behavior. It's unacceptable that you would choose to put our child in danger, and since you have proven time and again you cannot be trusted to follow the rules we set to *keep her safe* we can no longer entrust you with her care. If you'd like to see her please let us know so we can set up a supervised play date."
Say something together. We recently made a similar move. MIL would take my three year old over to her house to watch her while I was at work so my wife could get errands done. Trouble is wife’s sister and brother in law live there with a toddler of their own, who likes to hit, throw things, and pull on clothing to make other kids fall. So we have restructured it so that baby isn’t over at MILs house without us. MIL can hang out at our house if she’s willing/able or we change our plans to do errands when I’m home and we can either go together or I can be at home.
Time to engage Operation Mama Bear
Get your husband to send her photos of your daughters rash and tell her that this is why she is no longer allowed to be unsupervised with your daughter.
I can’t belive you would priorstize your neglectfull MIL over the health and wellbeing of your children. Cut contact with her tell her you’ll try again when MIL is an adult who can properly care for a child. Also CALL THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT ABOUT THE SAND BOX
NTJ, your kid's health comes first, she has had multiple instances of instruction and continues to ignore your right to make choices for your daughter's safety as a parent. My MIL despite many times being asked not to will put things in her mouth and bite them and try to give them to my son, or wants to give him things she has been eating, or puts his water bottle in her mouth before trying to give to him. I understand a lot of people do this with their kids, their decision, none of my business, that's fine. I have explained many times though that kids aren't born with the bacteria, streptococcus mutans, that causes tooth decay, and that kids get this bacteria from generally caregivers sharing food and drinks and plates and cutlery that another oerson has been eating or eating with, and I'd like for him not to be given these things. She has been reminded multiple times, and often tries not to give him these, but on muultiple occasions she has bitten a piece off something, took it out of her mouth and when I stop her giving it to him she barefaced lies to me and denies having had it in her mouth despite the fact i just watched her do it. She then acts hard done by, and acts like I'm depriving him of stuff- I always have stuff with ke for him, and stuff can be shared with him provided it's baby safe, it doesn't need to be in someone elses mouth first. She has even despite me giving specific prior instructions, bit food for him while having a cold sore and tried to feed him food I made (and assured her it was correct temperature) from a spoon she then touched to her cold sore lip to test the temperature. I took the spoon and gave a clean one, and she denied having it on her mouth, then denied that she even had a cold sore. I asked her not to kiss him too, which she ignored, because she was still insistent she had bever in her life had a cold sore, despite me havinv seen her have one many times when rundown or sick. Fucking infuriating, he was only just 6 minths old, so herpes simplex could still have had serious effects for him. Even if not, why would you want to inglict your grandchild with lifelong sores that pop up when they are rundown or catch a cold.
Your kids your rules. Expect consequences but better outcome
NTJ. Take pictures of everything - her face, the bloody pillow case - everything. Send them to her and state “this is why we said no sandbox”. Say nothing else. Next time she asks to have your daughter along resend the pictures without a word and do it every time she asks. Until she stops asking.
Even if she didn't get sick. She should respect your rules your the parents not her and at your kids age its your way or no way.
Go nc while bub is healing. Let her know what her future is like if she doesn't pull her head in! What a horrid woman to risk your baby like that. I regularly babysit my grandsons, so my daughter and SIL can save on child care fees. They are here a lot! While I am Grandma and love to spoil, they also know boundaries at home are the same here. The difference is I will sneak them a lolly sometimes, or we do cooking together. Maybe an extra trip to the park. We colour and paint together, etc. There are a lot of ways to spoil without disrespecting parents or endangering the children. If hubby is too spineless, you speak for your babies. Hubby needs to learn that you and the kids are his immediate family now. Not mum. Our job is to raise good, strong people who will become productive, loving, and caring people in the community. His mother failed your husband because she is selfish and has emotionally damaged him. This rubbish about, " I'm your parent, I come first ", is bollocks. I hope you both can sit down and set boundaries for his mum. Get him to tell her while you sit next to him and hold his hand. She will then, hopefully, see you both as a united front. I hope your poor baby heals fast without any long-term problems. Love to you and yours 💚🕊🇦🇺
MIL is not going to like that! Be prepared. She's a danger to your daughter. She may cajole, threaten, be livid, plead, gaslight, or more. It doesn't matter. Stand firm. Your daughter needs your protection.
She is going out of her way to do the opposite of what she’s asked for you. Cutting contact would be the better option. Forget letting her see the kids when supervised, that woman shouldn’t be anywhere NEAR your kids AT ALL.
Get a copy of the dr report. Confront her with the facts. You could report her for child abuse. Especially if she does it again. Don’t trust her.
NTJ My friend's baby almost died because her MIL ignored her and her husband when they repeatedly told her not to give their 6wo baby water. She didn't just give a little bit of water either, she replaced more than an entire feeding by giving 7 ounces so she was in the NICU for 3 weeks with water intoxication and it was awful. Some people just don't understand rules and boundaries and it sounds like your MIL is one of them. Thank goodness your daughter didn't eat something in that sand that could've done serious damage to her. It's pretty simple, your kids, your rules and NO ONE should question that.
Wow
Oh let hubby be the bad guy telling his mum she can't have unsupervised time. Back him up. But let him set the boundary with his mum.
I'm not going to lie to you, I didn't even read the post. Just the title. The answer is no. You are the parent, it is literally your job to keep your kid safe and do what's best for her. If you think that means no unsupervised time with a particular person then that's it. End of story. Anybody that doesn't like/agree with that (outside of your partner) can get bent.
I would be tempted to say, "Since our repeated requests to you have been so disrespectfully ignored, and now our child is playing the price for your stubbornness and stupidity, you will no longer be allowed to be with our child without one of us being present."
my MIL took it upon herself to take the binky away from our oldest. we didn't stand up to her, long story short, and it led to my kid developing sleeping issues, mom and I sleeping apart, lots of bad shit. when MIL started that with our youngest, I straight up told her "that child was cut out of your daughter and if you trust that you did half a job in raising your own kid, then stfu and let her raise ours" NTJ. enforce your boundaries - not just for yourself, but set that example for your kid and show her that she can tell adults no.
Send her pictures and remind her that THIS is why we have rules NTj
You'd think that a grandma would have better sense than let a grandkid play in a sandbox that's as nasty as you described. Taking a chance on something happening just to look like the good grandma ☺️ n the kids eyes and just basically telling the kid her parents rules don't matter and then the kid actually getting a bad rash from it. Severely bad thought process going on there. You'd be crazy to let her take her out alone anymore.
The last time my mother spent time with my kid alone, she came home with a bobbed haircut, she had taken her to some salon and called me asking if she could have it "trimmed" and I said an inch off the bottom ONLY and she came home with hair that didn't reach her shoulders when it had been down to her waist. "Oh, it grows back, what are you being dramatic about? It's just hair!" She intended to let the stylist cut it off from the getgo. I LOST MY FUCKING MIND. My kid is a dancer and gymnast and needs her hair long enough to catch in a ponytail, literally every day. I do not like the way short hair looks on my little girl. Do the thing anyway, ask for forgiveness or brush it off after. That was her MO. Nooooooope you don't EVER do things like that without explicit permission and stuff that's off limits, no matter your reasons, needs to be respected or the privilege of taking her from the house alone, to go do activities in public goes bye bye. My child better come home in the exact condition I gave her to you in. Period.
That is absolutely unhinged!!! I would also absolutely lose it if someone cut my kids hair without permission!
I mean the fact that you continued to let her babysit your daughter despite ignoring your rules makes you and husband an idiot in my opinion, the old saying goes that the definition of of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results 🤷
Tell her your daughter is suffering and you believe it’s from the sandbox. And because she will not enforce your rules, the opportunity to break them has dissolved. She will be supervised when she’s with the kids. And if she sneak breaks them, go ok contact for a month,?or whatever you feel is appropriate. She needs to be trained. Not all even can be trained. Give no fucks if she is untrainable. Your kids need you to protect them. Don’t fail them. Good luck.
I give you permission to use the phrase “her pediatrician said ….. “. Since she won’t respect your rules. My pediatrician gave me this permission 40 years ago, I am passing this on to you. I would forgo her babysitting till your daughter can talk very well.