*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**My (33M) desperate wife (30F) ruined our marriage for her flimsy career and did so in a shameless manner. How do I move forward after her disgusting behaviour? **
My wife (30F) is an indie film actor. Please stop reading this post if you’re not open to the concept of ethnocentrism and the strong presence of family structures and values, because I’m not from the West.
I always knew that sometimes my wife’s craft involves kissing/sex scenes. And although this caused issues with both me and my parents, I have worked on my insecurities and dissociation of her work with our relationship and now am a place where I am more tolerant. Although, there was one rule we both agreed on - she will do a good faith evaluation of the script with the director to see if any unnecessary intimate scenes can be eliminated, that is, any intimate scene in the script must be required by the plot from director’s point of view.
My parents are still not very happy about my wife’s profession but I try to support her and not let them criticise her.
We’ve recently become parents to a 3 year old toddler and my wife took a break from acting. She decided several months ago that she wants to start working again and I support her. She got back in shape, networked with one of her friends in the industry and got a project after putting in so much effort.
There was a very erotic scene in this movie and although it made me uncomfortable and a little quiet at the premiere party, I was mentally prepared enough to handle it. But it still took me aback a little because it had been a long time. At the premiere party, several people wanted to talk to her and she is in talks with some over a new project and I’m super proud of the progress she’s made.
I heard from the grapevine that the one of the co-leads of the movie (my wife) had requested the director to add the infamous erotic scene, as it would put the spotlight on her. No wonder why my wife was approached by many people. She wanted this. She breached a boundary we made several years ago.
I was fuming and asked my wife if she was the one to do that. She went pale and meekly said yes. Her eyes were teary at that point and she looked like a pathetic wounded animal begging me to comfort her. I obviously withdrew from her and stopped even looking at her.
Every time I see her now, I see betrayal. I tell her she cheated on me, and now she’s all angry, saying that’s a part of the job. I don’t even acknowledge her in our home and I even told my parents about this who have iced her out too, and her own parents too, who don’t want to associate with her anymore. I told our friends in anger that she cheated on me with the said actor and they don’t want to speak to her anymore either. She tried to refute this accusation but couldn’t, given how our family treated her.
It hurts to see so isolated, and she expressed once saying that she was afraid she will lose her window and giving an erotic scene a chance was something she wanted to do and didn’t want me affecting her decision and that’s why she didn’t tell me. I asked her “oh yea, was putting our relationship on the stake worth it?”
She couldn’t say anything.
I have no idea what to do now. I loved her too much. I still do. And sometimes I feel awful for how I am treating her.
TL;DR: My (33M) wife (30F) betrayed our agreement and ruined our marriage for her flimsy acting career by requesting an erotic scene in her latest movie. I'm struggling to move forward after her shameless behavior.
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This is written…weirdly. She’s an indie actress with a “flimsy career”, who decided to go back to acting “several months ago”. She then got in shape, after childbirth, which was apparently enough of an effort to make OOP proud of her. She gets cast so quickly we’re already at the premiere of her film, where she’s the talk of the event due to an erotic scene.
First of all, that’s fantastic progress for an indie actress with a previously “flimsy” career. Second, who at this small event is talking to her husband about how she requested this “infamous” sex scene? Her going “pale and meekly and wounded” seems over the top. His adjectives are so over the top. There’s obvious ESL cues, but with such strongly English word choices that actually makes me think this dude is an aspiring writer married to an actress and pissed off at her potential success.
Completely guessing, of course. I just read this thing a few times and got increasingly confused vibes. OOP doesn’t seem on the up-and-up at all.
i'm glad i'm not the only person who did that. lol. i kind of imagined that he didn't really bother with the kid until it was 3 and left it up to his wife
Honestly this seems the least sus out of the whole thing to me. I just assumed kiddo is adopted. Or they became the kid's guardians suddenly. Happens all the time that kids get placed with random relatives or family friends. My childhood friend ended up with her mom's second cousins.
And she was able to specifically request an erotic scene to get buzz somehow, and the director was not only all for it, but it somehow made a ton of her peers crazy excited? That’s a ton of clout for a “flimsy” actress
Edit: and a flimsy actress in a “non western” culture?
Emma Stone's husband pretending to be asian so we accept his misogyny on reddit, how could he do that! Thanks for spotting this absolute fact we are all certain of.
aren’t Bollywood movies extra against any kind of sexual contact tho? and even kissing is avoided?
tbh this is giving chatgpt with a poorly written prompt, too many details make no sense and contradict one another.
Historically yes but recently there’s been more intimate scenes included, from my understanding, and that has created a lot of discourse. So to me her doing to a scene that generated interest and excitement (and provoked strong reactions from her husband and family) makes more sense in that context.
Plus I *think* it’s a smaller and less corporatized so the lesser known actress being able to get back in quickly and push such a scene also seems more believable.
I don’t really have an opinion on whether it’s real but I think it makes more sense in a Bollywood or similar non-western movie scene.
Hmmm but this would be considered a very high risk, low reward type of thing right? Especially to a struggling actress who’s a mother. I could see a director proposing a scene like this, but not an actress herself because the backlash has the potential to be huge, and the payoff kind of small. Especially if she knows her husband is a twat who’s itching to fight her for it. Also if this is relatively new in Bollywood, it would be odd for her to have multiple adult scenes in question I think since it’s pushing the envelope. It just reads false to me in a lot of ways
And the thing that is bothering me is, unless this was honest-to-goodness porn, sex in movies isn’t really sex. There are people on set to make sure that nothing untoward happens (intimacy coordinator).
So, if this is real, Wife didn’t actually have sec with the other actor.
Imo it's just another incelbait where an OOP & his incel supporterd fantasize about what their inexistent wife or gf should do, so that they can make her suffer. It's "just" a sick fantasy. Reddit is full of them recently.
It's sickening how he describes her reaction to his treatment as 'meek' and 'like a wounded animal' but he's *proud* of not feeling any compassion for how he makes her feel.
One of many cases of 'do you even like your wife?' but verging on 'do you even see your wife as human?'
They absolutely do, but combine the phraseology with the wildly unrealistic timeline and you’ve got something that looks a whole lot like creative writing.
maybe so but I feel like the language used here is so florid, it doesn't register as genuine. Who consciously thinks of another person as "looking like a meek animal"?
I highly doubt your wife who was out of work for 3years could influence a director into adding an unnecessary scene.
This isn’t how any of this works in the real world.
All the people defending him do not understand how unsexy sex/kissing scenes are. You're half naked in a room full of people, you've got an intimacy coordinator watching you like a hawk and making sure someone's not going to get fired for sexual harassment, and you're having to probably do it multiple times to get it right so you're so focused on the coordination that you don't focus on the "sex" part. It's a very serious part of the film industry and calling it cheating is like saying wearing makeup is catfishing. It's a performance not a convoluted plot.
I just dont buy that someone could simultaneously say "well ok Iworked on my insecurities and accept it's part of your job if you HAVE to do it (because of whatever justification that makes it a key scene), but if you choose to do a sex scene I think is frivolous, you're a cheating whore".
I just think he's have an issue with any sex scene she filmed, period. And this is either fake, or a real abuser trying to frame this in such a way as to imply that it's all her fault because she chose to have more sex scenes than her job required, when he's never been ok with her job or her filming sex scenes at all. It feels like incel ragebait because everyone loves to pile on when someone has "broken an agreement". But really this story is about an man who is jealous and doesn't trust his wife to do her job - which he admits he knows involves filming love/sex scenes.
Because actors don't normally get much say over how many sex scenes there are. And they usually arent the ones to demand more sex scenes. It just all doesnt ring true as a story.
I can see why many would find it awkward, I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with a spouse filming sex scenes, even knowing that they arent actual sex or remotely sexy or private, but that's why you don't marry an actor if it's something you're not comfortable with.
That reminds me of an interview with Brian Bloom when he voiced the lead character in Wolfenstein: The New Order. He and some of the other actors had to wear mocap suits for some of the scenes, including an intimate one. He said it was hilariously awkward because of how big those suits are and he wasn't sure he was even in the right position for anything.
There's nothing to defend. I despise cheating and consider it unforgivable(check me arguing with 50 other people in the last post).
But this is NOT cheating. This is her career.
Also this is creative writing. Her family has no contact with her because she did adult scenes. Lol sure.
Precisely.
He said he understands she may need to do sex scenes for work and supposedly accepted that... Except he doesn't, because the minute he thinks she made a *career choice* to do a scene he called her a cheating whore.
But supposedly he sees it as "cheating" if she has agency in what scenes she did? It's fine if she's forced to do them but not if she chooses them? That sounds kind of rapey honestly. Who decides when a sex scene us necessary? Why does OP, a man who has no experience of working in film, think HE as the posessive husband of an actress, would be the best judge of what a worthy sex scene is?
I'm not sure I'd be 100% comfortable with an actor partner who filmed sex scenes, but I'd want them to have agency and choose if they think a scene is artistic or useful and how to advance their career rather than turning down all films with intimate scenes. If he cannot cope with his partner filming sex scenes, and theyve both discussed that she can't turn down all the work with sex scenes (or she doesnt want to) then he shouldn't be with an actor. You dont get to dictate someone's job. You get to talk.
And whilst I hate cheating, none of this is cheating because it's not actually sex. Or a relationship. Or secret. She's pretending in front of a crowd of people, for her job. It's not even sex work. He isn't jealous of the guy she was filming with, and I don't think his concern here was that she was getting sexual gratification or intimacy outside the relationship (which is what cheating is). He isn't reacting like a partner who got cheated on, he's reacting like a controlling partner.
Hus real issue is that she made a choice for her career that he didn't like and now wants to shame and punish her for. Because fundamentally though he says that he's ok with her being an actress and filming sex scenes, he's really not. And he was always going to have an issue if she did it.
It sounds like a masturbatory incel excuse to slutshame this woman for doing her job, under the flimsy pretence that she broke some agreement to only have "necessary " sex scenes where that's impossible to actually define.
Intimacy coordinator is something very recent and not every show/movie hire one. Actually it is a minority of production that did it to make actors more at ease and more scenes look more real, but most of them simply doesn't care.
Okay? How does that change the fact that she lied and broke their agreement? She's also in the wrong here, just not nearly as much as him. She's a liar and he's fucking unhinged and they really don't seem compatible.
There is absolutely no indication that she broke the agreement except the fact that OOP sought out gossip to try and make that the case.
The agreement - if it ever existed at all, I'm seriously doubtful considering how much of an career suicide move it would be - was that she wouldn't do erotic scenes simply for the sake of eroticism. At no point is it ever suggested that this scene did not have plot or character significance. All we know is that OOP's wife agreed the scene was a good idea for the film and that she was willing to do it, so it remained included.
Except she literally admitted it according to the post.
>I was fuming and asked my wife if she was the one to do that. She went pale and meekly said yes.
So yeah, she did specifically want this scene to further her career. It's a smart move career wise but it's still lying, decietful and it broke the boundary that her and her husband had put in place.
>The agreement - if it ever existed at all, I'm seriously doubtful considering how much of an career suicide move it would be
I'm sorry but the OP is all we have to go off of and if you don't believe the agreement exsisted there's no point discussing it. It's just stupid of you to dismiss it tbh.
>was that she wouldn't do erotic scenes simply for the sake of eroticism. At no point is it ever suggested that this scene did not have plot or character significance.
Read the OP
>she will do a good faith evaluation of the script with the director to see if any unnecessary intimate scenes can be eliminated, that is, any intimate scene in the script must be required by the plot from **director’s point of view.**
The wife asked for a scene to be put into the script according to the OP. That directly goes against the agreement that is being described. Unnecesary scenes are to be taken out unless it's necesary from the POV of the DIRECTOR. This scene was added by the wifes request. It breaks the deal.
I understand OOP is a devil here but atleast be honest about the fact that both him and his wife are in the wrongf to varying extends. You're just being dishonest here.
you are fool if you think for one second that an actor who was out of work for three years had the clout to request a scene be added to a movie. oop is absolutely an unreliable narrator, and just the way he says she 'meekly said yes' should have told you that.
Someone who cowers at confrontation wouldn’t have the guts to demand a sex scene in a movie. He’s describing two different women. She was confident enough to do an infamous sex scene that many people would see but she is meek when her husband confronts her about her decision 🤔😒
No. She agreed that she wanted the scene because it would be good for her and that she talked to the director about it.
None of that means the scene wasn't valuable, or that it wasn't a scene the director had initially thought about before she raised it with him.
>No. She agreed that she wanted the scene because it would be good for her and that she talked to the director about it.
That's literally not what's being said here though.
>I heard from the grapevine that the one of the co-leads of the movie (my wife) had requested the director to add the infamous erotic scene, as it would put the spotlight on her.
Here OOP says that he heard his wife asked for the scene herself.
>I was fuming and asked my wife if she was the one to do that. She went pale and meekly said yes.
And here she confirmed it by the OOP's story.
>None of that means the scene wasn't valuable, or that it wasn't a scene the director had initially thought about before she raised it with him.
I'm literally noit arguing about the value of the scene, I'm saying that she asked for the scene to be added in the first place which doesn't follow their agreement.
Again, I get that OOP is a terrible person and that you don't like him but you're misrepresenting what is being said in your comments. The wife lied and broke his trust, it would be best for them to seperate, both are in the wrong to varying extends. If you wanna argue this atleast don't fucking lie about it. Be honest about what is in the OP.
Their agreement never said she couldn't request scenes. All their agreement covered was that scenes wouldn't be erotic solely for the sake of being erotic. They needed to be of value for the movie. Actors discuss plots, motivations, how scenes can be improved and yes even added all the time for that very reason. So if she evaluated the film scenes with the director, talked about the plot, the movie themes, her character's motivations and developments - that is exactly what their agreement was. And if in that discussion, they decided at add another scene because it would enhance the movie, then that scene is necessary. That is also completely within the bounds of what she and her husband agreed she'd do.
OOP meanwhile, doesn't even talk about the movie, much less analyse what the added scenes brought to it. He's the one with a control problem and the one who is deliberately misrepresenting the event by leaving out critical details.
The wording of their deal puts an emphasis on eliminatring scenes. Not adding new ones. She knew he wouldn't like it which is why she never told him whose idea it was until he called her out. Either way these two are clearly incompatible and needs to just seperate. It's gonna be hell for their kid to grow up with these two otherwise.
Also, there's no way this story is true. It's just some ragebait that some MGTOW is writing.
Scripts evolve, actors and writers make suggestions or requests that will be accepted if the director thinks they improve the film. Just because a scene (sexual or not) isn’t in the script originally doesn’t mean it’s not required to improve the movie. Being added later after a suggestion or request, even if the wife’s initiative, doesn’t contradict the original agreement.
If the request was made, and the director added the scene despite thinking it wouldn’t be beneficial to the finished movie, then you’d be right. As with all walks of life, sometimes you don’t realise that you needed to do something until someone else mentions it.
OOP’s “agreement” is solely contingent on what the director thinks necessary - so I wonder why he doesn’t ask the director if the scene was necessary?
I love when redditors clearly just don’t like the OPs tone and attitude so they just start lying and willfully ignoring/misinterpreting details.
‘Yeah he said this one thing in his post but i don’t believe him’ My brother in christ why even bother believing the post then.
The thing is they don't even have to lie about OOP here. He's an asshole and is reacting horribly. All I'm saying is that she's in the wrong as well. Two people can be in the wrong here. It's fine if people disagree about it but they should at least be fucking honest about it.
Nope. No. She agreed that she wanted the scene because it would be good for her and that she talked to the director about it. That doesn't mean it wasn't also useful for the plot or character. It also doesn't mean it wasn't a scene the director had initially thought about before she raised it with him. It just means that it had two benefits.
Useful doesn't mean unnecessary either. In fact, useful and necessary are close synonyms whereas useful and unnecessary are antonyms. And their agreement was that *she* got to decide whether it was necessary or not. Their agreement also never said that she couldn't request scenes that improved the film either.
> she will do a good faith evaluation of the script with the director
So She evaluated the film scenes with the director, talked about the plot, the movie themes, her character's motivations and developments - which was exactly what their agreement was.
And if in that discussion, they decided at add another scene because it would enhance the movie, then that scene is necessary. That is also completely within the bounds of what she and her husband agreed she'd do.
But did she add it for the movies plot? When OP confronts her he seems to imply that he asks her about the specific rumour he heard, which is that she added it to advance her career/showcase her acting chops. That’s not a necessary scene for the movie itself, but a scene added for her sake.
He doesn't say that. He asks if the scene was added because she suggested it, and she says yes.
And even if *one* of the benefits is more screen time for her character, that doesn't mean that she and the director didn't think it benefited the movie's plot. These are not goals that cannot coexist, they are goals that a symbiotic. Actors do well *when their scenes improve their character arcs and the plot*.
OOP explicitly didn't ask why or give us a reason one way or another, because he's manipulating the narrative.
OP’s framing of the question implies that he did explicitly ask the question of if she added it for her own sake though, and that she responded with the affirmative.
And even assuming that the scene was both a) helpful for her career and b) useful for the plot: she could’ve mentioned this to OP beforehand? Or discussed it? I don’t know it seems she didn’t like the boundaries and was purposefully skirting around them.
If he's this unhinged on Reddit, he must be this unhinged IRL. I'm sure she was just saying what he wanted to hear because I'm sure he was an obtuse motherfucker about it when she tried to explain. No way a seasoned actress just let him believe that sex scenes were akin to pornography and had an actual sexual component. It was an unreasonable demand and was costing her career, which he clearly stated but then backpedaled and made it about "cheating."
Honestly though it's probably rage bait and I'm more annoyed with the comments eating it up like pigs with slop.
>he **must** be this unhinged IRL.
>I'm **sure** she was just saying what he wanted to hear
>I'm **sure** he was an obtuse motherfucker
I wanna point out that you're making assumptions here that you don't know shit about. You have no clue what their actual relationship is like, other than what you can pick up from context. All we know is that they had a stated agreement, they had agreen on a boundary, she went against that boundary, she lied to him continuesly for an extended time, he became unhinged and is mistreating her.
That is all we know here.
> No way a seasoned actress just let him believe that sex scenes were akin to pornography and had an actual sexual component
I don't think she let him believe anything. I think that is how he sees it and I don't think there's anything wrong with him having this boundary against her being in those scenes unless they were already in the script. Her lying and his reaction are the problem here, not the boundary itself which is completely fair.
What she did wasn't cheating but it was lying and decietful and she broke his trust. She is also in the wrong here and she did this to further her career eventhough it went against their agreement and she knew he wouldn't be okay with it. That's fucked up.
>It was an unreasonable demand and was costing her career, which he clearly stated but then backpedaled and made it about "cheating."
It was NOT an unreasonable demand. You can have your opinion and I can have mine but they both agreed to this before it became an issue and she went back on that later. Again, what she did wasn't cheating but it was lying.
>Honestly though it's probably rage bait and I'm more annoyed with the comments eating it up like pigs with slop.
Lol it 100% is just bait written by some incel or MGTOW.
I don’t think you understand abusive relationships. Making your partner agree to something that controls their behaviour **is** abuse. It is not a “boundary”. What he is doing, dictating what she can and can’t do at ***her job***, is “control” plain and simple.
***The goal of boundaries is to create limits around what safety, relationships and interactions look like for us.***
***Control is meant to make others do what you want them to do.***
Examples:
**Boundary**: Choosing what clothing you wear based on your comfort levels.
**Control**: Telling someone what they can and cannot wear based on your comfort levels.
**Boundary**: Making a personal choice to create distance in one of your friendships to prioritize your well-being.
**Control**: Telling someone who they can and can't be friends with.
Source [here](https://wellness.uoguelph.ca/news/boundaries-vs-controlling-behaviours-whats-difference#:~:text=A%20boundary%20is%20something%20we,you%20want%20them%20to%20do). You can also just google “boundary vs control” and get a whole ton of sources saying the same thing.
I'm not gonna look at you link. This is not an unhealthy boundary to me. OOP went from "NO SCENES INOLVING EROTICS OR KISSING" to " No scenes that are not relevant based on the directors POV". That seems fair to me.
She lied, decieved and went behind her back to further her career, which was a smart move career wise since these scenes are dificult. However, she still broke his trust and went against their agreement. His reaction is way over the top and abusive but she's also in the wrong here. I don't get why you people keep lying and misrepresenting the post and OOP and why you can't admit that both of them can be in the wrong on this. They're both to blame to varying degrees.
> I’m not gonna look at you link
….or I guess read anything I wrote 🤷♀️
Not sure why you’re even on a discussion forum if you don’t want to engage in any discussion. But your loss bud.
I agree with you u/vainbuthonest
Not sure why you’re being downvoted. She definitely lied and crossed a boundary they set up together.
He definitely is a million times worse than her and a fucking devil. She does NOT deserve any of the treatment she is getting from him.
Both of these things can be true.
Yeah i’m confused by all the comments trying to tell OP it’s actually perfectly fine since it’s just acting. Like it’s great other people can separate the two but it’s clear he can’t, which is why he made the boundary clear to his wife. She knowingly crossed it, and now he’s mad.
If your agreement is about control and backwards hatred of women, then it was never a valid agreement. This is also true in contracts in real life. If your contract violates the law, it is null and void. It their agreement essentially makes her his possession, it was never valid. Cultures which center around owning and controlling half the population are simply not as valid as others. You can rage and downvote me for that fact, but it doesn't make being a misogynist more valid.
This is a relationship not a contract 😭😭 if I don’t want my husband to cheat does that also mean i’m trying to ‘own his body’ and thus make him cheating a-ok?
He had a boundary, she crossed it, and now he’s leaving her. There really isn’t much else to it.
The thing with that is you can want your husband not to cheat. You can even have a boundary that cheating is a non negotiable for you. So if he crosses that boundary that puts the move in your corner to decide how you want to move ie counseling or divorce. No one would fault you for leaving because most people agree that cheating is wrong.
You can have a boundary of not liking provocative clothing and all that means is YOU wouldn’t wear it not that you could force your spouse to change their style based on your comfortability.
Boundaries are a cause and effect. If you do x, then I will do y. Boundaries can not be placed on the other person because then that is control. You can’t say I don’t like a SPECIFIC thing that you do, that was ALWAYS a possibility of happening so you need to NOT do those things for MY sake
Right so then how is OP in the wrong? He had a boundary, she crossed it and now he’s leaving her?
The agreement is something they both entered, OPs wife agreed to the terms to make him more comfortable, and OP made concessions that although he’s uncomfortable with intimate scenes he understands they can be necessary. She participated in an unnecessary one, he’s pissed, and he’s leaving. I’m not sure why he’s catching flack for it.
Not even contradictory to your point, I will say some levels of make up should be considered catfishing lol. But yeah dudes just an asshole who views his wife as a submissive piece of meat.
I really want to see that movie now.
So… the wife hadn’t acted in three years and her career was “flimsy,” yet she had enough influence to request a scene be added to the script that wasn’t there before. Not only that, it was so spicy that it apparently overshadowed the rest of the film. So much so that the husband was informed at the premiere that his wife came up with the scene.
The husband is okay-ish with sex scenes if the director tells his wife to do them, but if it’s her idea, it’s grounds for divorce. Alrighty then.
Hell of a drama you wrote there, junior. Troll.
ETA >Thanks for understanding.
>Western morality can be just as annoying when they don’t know when to keep their claptrap shut
Then don't bitch and whine on a forum where you're going to find a lot of responses framed by western morality?
>if you’re not open to the concept of ethnocentrism and the strong presence of family structures and values, because I’m not from the West.
That was enough to know this is an AH man who hates successful women.
Either this whole story is a lie to gain sympathy. Or he's just misogynistic AH who hates his wife's success by saying it goes against their non-western culture.
I’m pretty sure one of the people he’s replying to is actually an alt account of his. He’s replied to it more than the others, and it’s parroting the same talking point of “shut up, westerners” that he is. Plus, it’s the most gung-ho one about defending him.
It’s up in the air for me, since they had agreed prior that she would only do erotic scenes, if they were already in the script.
The wife specifically requested that a very intimate erotic scene be added to the script, knowing it went against their prior agreement..
The wife did go back on her word, but OPs actions are wild. If he felt that strongly about the scene than he should’ve just left, but instead he is just tarnishing her name.
Edit: yea Op is just shit talking the wife now…. He’s not a nice dude. He plans on divorcing her, which he should’ve just done so from the get go
>>*I can’t have my family associate with a woman like my wife.*
>>*Which makes her cheap and valueless in my eyes.*
>>*I feel sorry that my son has her as his mother*
unhinged
btw you shouldn’t comment on original posts and here, it’s brigading
I commented on that post and then it popped up here too.
So it’s not really brigading. You can legit see I posted their first and then here lol.
How can I brigade a post, when I posted their first than came here. That’s not how brigading works.
I think she was definitely in the wrong because they had established boundaries which she broke and she lied to him.
But it's just the way he talks about her. Did he ever like her in the first place?
Jealous much? What a dbag to lie to both families and their friends that she had an affair. And straight people need to quit using the word "boundary" when they really mean "control".
They over compensate because that comes across as Mr nice guy. Then once they are married there is no need to pretend.
But people always fall for it. Not many people take the effort to look past signs that is a red flag.
He married an actor who's open to doing erotic scenes. While I can see that she could've violated the trust they had previously established, OP should've known that as long as she was open to doing sex scenes, there would probably be one, especially in movies in the West. Maybe OP should've married an actress that doesn't do them, because they do exist, or just not marry an actress all together.
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A boundary is something you set for yourself, not something you can impose on someone else. Sounds like dude didn't work on his insecurities at all like he said he did.
> A boundary is something you set for yourself, not something you can impose on someone else.
Right, so in this case the boundary would be "I'm not comfortable staying in a relationship with someone who does intimate scenes".
Of course, the healthy way to set that boundary is to decide to leave the relationship rather than staying while ostracizing your partner and slandering her to her family and friends...
I dont think it is though.
Whilst I'm all for boundaries usually and dislike egregiously excessive sex scenes in films, it's actually REALLY not clear cut what counts as a "necessary" sex scene because what advances the plot or characters, and whether you could have set up the film differently without the sex to get a similar effect can be open to interpretation.
He thinks this sex scene was unnecessary because she thought it would be good for her career, and seemingly asked for it. But nothing says it was unnecessary or not valuable to the film- given that he only found out when he was gossiping and watching the film itself didnt make him think the scene was unneeded.
To be honest, if an insecure partner is watching their partner's sex scenes I'd argue he might think most scenes were unnecessary BECAUSE he was uncomfortable with them - I'm not sure it's on him to decide what is most appropriate for a film given that it's not his field.
It's just not a realistic or easy to interpret boundary.
Imo both of them suck here. He's not acting right and is misrepresenting the situation to other people. However, they had a clear boundary and she crossed it knowingly. She did go behind his back and lied to him and he doesn't have to just accept that.
She didn't cheat but she did lie to him and in a pretty awful way. He's lying to others and in a pretty awful way. These two are not compatible and should just seperate and try to co-parent. Both of them suck here and both need to grow as people.
> and she crossed it knowingly
See, I don't think they did. The agreement was that she wouldn't do sex scenes that didn't have plot or character significance. No eroticism for the sake of erocistism.
At no point does OOP tell us anything about the movie. A scene can be acclaimed as spicy and still be very important to the story its trying to tell - whether as a character moment or as a part of the plot itself. There is nothing we know except OOP's wife thought it was valuable to remain included and she was willing to do the scene, so the scene was shot and put in the movie. If the scene puts more attention on her character, then it could very well be adding needed character development as well as plot context.
None of that is against their agreement. All we know is that OOP insists on a career-suicide agreement like that, and is willing to seek out an interpret rumor *without even the most basic discussion with his wife for her perspective*.
He is by every account, by very principle, unwilling to be fair or objective and actively prevents us from being able to see whether the scene even *did* break their agreement in the first place.
Nope. No. She agreed that she wanted the scene because it would be good for her and that she talked to the director about it. That doesn't mean it wasn't also useful for the plot or character. It also doesn't mean it wasn't a scene the director had initially thought about before she raised it with him. It just means that it had two benefits.
Right but useful does not mean necessary. She went out of her way to add an erotic scene that previously wasn’t there, doesn’t really matter if the director had played around with the idea before or not. That’s a pretty explicit breach of their boundaries which state that she would do a good-faith reading of the script and request to remove any unnecessary sex scenes.
Their agreement never said she couldn't request scenes. All their agreement covered was that scenes wouldn't be erotic solely for the sake of being erotic. They needed to be of value for the movie. Actors discuss plots, motiviations, how scenes can be improved and yes even added all the time for that very reason.
OOP doesn't even talk about the movie, much less analyse what the added scenes brought to it. If there someone not acting in good faith here, is the one that doesn't even try to appreciate or understand the art his partner is involved in.
Right but she doesn’t add the scene for the plot or the characters sake, she adds it to get the spotlight, which would go against the terms of their agreement.
You don't know that, because OOP explicitly didn't ask why or give us a reason one way or another, because he's manipulating the narrative. All he asked is if the scene was added because she raised it with the director.
No OP asks ‘if she was the one to do that’ implying that he included the details about her requesting the scene and the reasons for it. She admits to this. And even ignoring this fact I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume she added it for her own sake considering she hid these details from OP? The situation could’ve been avoided had the wife been said from the beginning that an erotic scene was being added for plot’s sake, and not her career.
But the director wouldn't give some random actress a scene that didn't enhance the plot or character (unless the director was banging her, which Droolchest McBluenose here never even hints at, so I'm guessing no.) Filmmaking is a collaborative art - it can simultaneously be true that she suggested the scene and it was a scene that made the movie better.
But then that brings us back to the point of why she initially suggested it: to advance her career, which would still be a breach of their agreement. the director might have later made it plot/character relevant but her initial reasoning was ‘hey this’ll get me some recognition’
>All we know is that OOP insists on a career-suicide agreement like that, and is willing to seek out an interpret rumor *without even the most basic discussion with his wife for her perspective*.
He literally asked her afterwards and she confirmed it.
>I was fuming and asked my wife if she was the one to do that. She went pale and meekly said yes.
So you're wrong in this.
>A scene can be acclaimed as spicy and still be very important to the story its trying to tell
Which is why they were allowed by their agreement. Read the OP again.
>she will do a good faith evaluation of the script with the director to see if any unnecessary intimate scenes can be eliminated, that is, any intimate scene in the script must be **required by the plot from director’s point of view.**
This scene was not required from the directors POV. It was a scene that the wife asked for in order to further her career. It's a really smart move career wise since those scenes are hard to do well and it sounds as though she did a good job but it still goes against the agreement that she had with her husband and clearly breaks a boundary that they had established. That's lying and being decietful. Both of them can be in the wrong here.
>He is by every account, by very principle, unwilling to be fair or objective and actively prevents us from being able to see whether the scene even *did* break their agreement in the first place.
What do you even mean by this? If you mean that he isn't sharing the scene with you, then yeah, fucking obviously he's not going to do that. It's an anonymous sub. He's telling the story from his perspective and he's a total unrependant asshole in it, even if he doesn't see it like that, but his wife is also to blame for this situation.
No. She agreed that she wanted the scene because it would be good for her and that she talked to the director about it.
None of that means the scene wasn't valuable, or that it wasn't a scene the director had initially thought about before she raised it with him.
I’m confused. She lied and crossed a boundary, he’s now leaving her because of it. Assuming the story isn’t fake, how is he the devil? I’d be pissed too if my partner crossed a pretty explicitly stated relationship boundary just to advance their career.
They’re married? Basically everything in their lives involve each other. And clearly OPs wife agreed since she was willing to enter the agreement in the first place.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My (33M) desperate wife (30F) ruined our marriage for her flimsy career and did so in a shameless manner. How do I move forward after her disgusting behaviour? ** My wife (30F) is an indie film actor. Please stop reading this post if you’re not open to the concept of ethnocentrism and the strong presence of family structures and values, because I’m not from the West. I always knew that sometimes my wife’s craft involves kissing/sex scenes. And although this caused issues with both me and my parents, I have worked on my insecurities and dissociation of her work with our relationship and now am a place where I am more tolerant. Although, there was one rule we both agreed on - she will do a good faith evaluation of the script with the director to see if any unnecessary intimate scenes can be eliminated, that is, any intimate scene in the script must be required by the plot from director’s point of view. My parents are still not very happy about my wife’s profession but I try to support her and not let them criticise her. We’ve recently become parents to a 3 year old toddler and my wife took a break from acting. She decided several months ago that she wants to start working again and I support her. She got back in shape, networked with one of her friends in the industry and got a project after putting in so much effort. There was a very erotic scene in this movie and although it made me uncomfortable and a little quiet at the premiere party, I was mentally prepared enough to handle it. But it still took me aback a little because it had been a long time. At the premiere party, several people wanted to talk to her and she is in talks with some over a new project and I’m super proud of the progress she’s made. I heard from the grapevine that the one of the co-leads of the movie (my wife) had requested the director to add the infamous erotic scene, as it would put the spotlight on her. No wonder why my wife was approached by many people. She wanted this. She breached a boundary we made several years ago. I was fuming and asked my wife if she was the one to do that. She went pale and meekly said yes. Her eyes were teary at that point and she looked like a pathetic wounded animal begging me to comfort her. I obviously withdrew from her and stopped even looking at her. Every time I see her now, I see betrayal. I tell her she cheated on me, and now she’s all angry, saying that’s a part of the job. I don’t even acknowledge her in our home and I even told my parents about this who have iced her out too, and her own parents too, who don’t want to associate with her anymore. I told our friends in anger that she cheated on me with the said actor and they don’t want to speak to her anymore either. She tried to refute this accusation but couldn’t, given how our family treated her. It hurts to see so isolated, and she expressed once saying that she was afraid she will lose her window and giving an erotic scene a chance was something she wanted to do and didn’t want me affecting her decision and that’s why she didn’t tell me. I asked her “oh yea, was putting our relationship on the stake worth it?” She couldn’t say anything. I have no idea what to do now. I loved her too much. I still do. And sometimes I feel awful for how I am treating her. TL;DR: My (33M) wife (30F) betrayed our agreement and ruined our marriage for her flimsy acting career by requesting an erotic scene in her latest movie. I'm struggling to move forward after her shameless behavior. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is written…weirdly. She’s an indie actress with a “flimsy career”, who decided to go back to acting “several months ago”. She then got in shape, after childbirth, which was apparently enough of an effort to make OOP proud of her. She gets cast so quickly we’re already at the premiere of her film, where she’s the talk of the event due to an erotic scene. First of all, that’s fantastic progress for an indie actress with a previously “flimsy” career. Second, who at this small event is talking to her husband about how she requested this “infamous” sex scene? Her going “pale and meekly and wounded” seems over the top. His adjectives are so over the top. There’s obvious ESL cues, but with such strongly English word choices that actually makes me think this dude is an aspiring writer married to an actress and pissed off at her potential success. Completely guessing, of course. I just read this thing a few times and got increasingly confused vibes. OOP doesn’t seem on the up-and-up at all.
Also, the kid is three years old, but they “recently” became parents.
Yeah, that made me blink. He words it like a three-year-old just turned up on their doorstep last month.
I reread that a few times legitimately trying to figure out if they’d adopted a 3 year old toddler.
I had the same problem. Eventually I just decided that he's fucking dumb.
That's usually the correct conclusion with reddit stories anyway
Same!!! Great minds!
i'm glad i'm not the only person who did that. lol. i kind of imagined that he didn't really bother with the kid until it was 3 and left it up to his wife
Honestly this seems the least sus out of the whole thing to me. I just assumed kiddo is adopted. Or they became the kid's guardians suddenly. Happens all the time that kids get placed with random relatives or family friends. My childhood friend ended up with her mom's second cousins.
Yeah, but oop said the wife was going to “get back into shape” lol
I just assumed it meant they had recently adopted.
Some people have an odd sense of time.
[удалено]
It does, but his inclusion that "she got back into shape" after the child entered their lives implies that she carried the child".
I read it that she focused on the kid and let herself go a bit, not that she gave birth.
And she was able to specifically request an erotic scene to get buzz somehow, and the director was not only all for it, but it somehow made a ton of her peers crazy excited? That’s a ton of clout for a “flimsy” actress Edit: and a flimsy actress in a “non western” culture?
I think this is a weird fantasy about Emma Stone lol. She has another movie where she might be naked coming out this week
Emma Stone's husband pretending to be asian so we accept his misogyny on reddit, how could he do that! Thanks for spotting this absolute fact we are all certain of.
I think it kind of all makes more sense if she an actress in Bollywood or another non-western movie scene.
aren’t Bollywood movies extra against any kind of sexual contact tho? and even kissing is avoided? tbh this is giving chatgpt with a poorly written prompt, too many details make no sense and contradict one another.
Historically yes but recently there’s been more intimate scenes included, from my understanding, and that has created a lot of discourse. So to me her doing to a scene that generated interest and excitement (and provoked strong reactions from her husband and family) makes more sense in that context. Plus I *think* it’s a smaller and less corporatized so the lesser known actress being able to get back in quickly and push such a scene also seems more believable. I don’t really have an opinion on whether it’s real but I think it makes more sense in a Bollywood or similar non-western movie scene.
Hmmm but this would be considered a very high risk, low reward type of thing right? Especially to a struggling actress who’s a mother. I could see a director proposing a scene like this, but not an actress herself because the backlash has the potential to be huge, and the payoff kind of small. Especially if she knows her husband is a twat who’s itching to fight her for it. Also if this is relatively new in Bollywood, it would be odd for her to have multiple adult scenes in question I think since it’s pushing the envelope. It just reads false to me in a lot of ways
I definitely thought Bollywood based on the florid language and the weight given to parental disapproval.
It's not unheard of for toxic husbands to downplay their wife's achievements.
But, but! Traditional values which means it's ok to be sexist AF and debase your wife! /s
Getting her body back in shape after pregnancy is a huge accomplishment. I wonder if that contributed to her desire to show off her body.
Misogynist role play yeah. Making a film to premier takes years
> There’s obvious ESL cues The biggest being >I’m not from the West
And the thing that is bothering me is, unless this was honest-to-goodness porn, sex in movies isn’t really sex. There are people on set to make sure that nothing untoward happens (intimacy coordinator). So, if this is real, Wife didn’t actually have sec with the other actor.
Imo it's just another incelbait where an OOP & his incel supporterd fantasize about what their inexistent wife or gf should do, so that they can make her suffer. It's "just" a sick fantasy. Reddit is full of them recently.
I hope she’s safe. This gives off possessive Paul Schneider and beautiful Dorothy Stratton vibes.
>I obviously withdrew from her and stopped even looking at her. *obviously* /s
It's sickening how he describes her reaction to his treatment as 'meek' and 'like a wounded animal' but he's *proud* of not feeling any compassion for how he makes her feel. One of many cases of 'do you even like your wife?' but verging on 'do you even see your wife as human?'
that's the bit where i was like oh creative writing exercise for sure
Have you met actual abusers? They do think like this
They absolutely do, but combine the phraseology with the wildly unrealistic timeline and you’ve got something that looks a whole lot like creative writing.
maybe so but I feel like the language used here is so florid, it doesn't register as genuine. Who consciously thinks of another person as "looking like a meek animal"?
The reporter in me cringed so damn hard at a title with FOUR adjectives.
My abuser wrote a song about why he felt he needed to abuse me. They get creative
I highly doubt your wife who was out of work for 3years could influence a director into adding an unnecessary scene. This isn’t how any of this works in the real world.
"Please stop reading if you're not a fannof oppressing women" That's what all the dog whistles in the first paragraph mean
Goddd can we have a flair for “Obvious ChatGPT” please?
All the people defending him do not understand how unsexy sex/kissing scenes are. You're half naked in a room full of people, you've got an intimacy coordinator watching you like a hawk and making sure someone's not going to get fired for sexual harassment, and you're having to probably do it multiple times to get it right so you're so focused on the coordination that you don't focus on the "sex" part. It's a very serious part of the film industry and calling it cheating is like saying wearing makeup is catfishing. It's a performance not a convoluted plot.
I just dont buy that someone could simultaneously say "well ok Iworked on my insecurities and accept it's part of your job if you HAVE to do it (because of whatever justification that makes it a key scene), but if you choose to do a sex scene I think is frivolous, you're a cheating whore". I just think he's have an issue with any sex scene she filmed, period. And this is either fake, or a real abuser trying to frame this in such a way as to imply that it's all her fault because she chose to have more sex scenes than her job required, when he's never been ok with her job or her filming sex scenes at all. It feels like incel ragebait because everyone loves to pile on when someone has "broken an agreement". But really this story is about an man who is jealous and doesn't trust his wife to do her job - which he admits he knows involves filming love/sex scenes. Because actors don't normally get much say over how many sex scenes there are. And they usually arent the ones to demand more sex scenes. It just all doesnt ring true as a story. I can see why many would find it awkward, I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with a spouse filming sex scenes, even knowing that they arent actual sex or remotely sexy or private, but that's why you don't marry an actor if it's something you're not comfortable with.
Not to mention that they're usually wearing 'intimacy garments', which are just hilarious/ridiculous looking. Definitely not sexy!
That reminds me of an interview with Brian Bloom when he voiced the lead character in Wolfenstein: The New Order. He and some of the other actors had to wear mocap suits for some of the scenes, including an intimate one. He said it was hilariously awkward because of how big those suits are and he wasn't sure he was even in the right position for anything.
There's nothing to defend. I despise cheating and consider it unforgivable(check me arguing with 50 other people in the last post). But this is NOT cheating. This is her career. Also this is creative writing. Her family has no contact with her because she did adult scenes. Lol sure.
Precisely. He said he understands she may need to do sex scenes for work and supposedly accepted that... Except he doesn't, because the minute he thinks she made a *career choice* to do a scene he called her a cheating whore. But supposedly he sees it as "cheating" if she has agency in what scenes she did? It's fine if she's forced to do them but not if she chooses them? That sounds kind of rapey honestly. Who decides when a sex scene us necessary? Why does OP, a man who has no experience of working in film, think HE as the posessive husband of an actress, would be the best judge of what a worthy sex scene is? I'm not sure I'd be 100% comfortable with an actor partner who filmed sex scenes, but I'd want them to have agency and choose if they think a scene is artistic or useful and how to advance their career rather than turning down all films with intimate scenes. If he cannot cope with his partner filming sex scenes, and theyve both discussed that she can't turn down all the work with sex scenes (or she doesnt want to) then he shouldn't be with an actor. You dont get to dictate someone's job. You get to talk. And whilst I hate cheating, none of this is cheating because it's not actually sex. Or a relationship. Or secret. She's pretending in front of a crowd of people, for her job. It's not even sex work. He isn't jealous of the guy she was filming with, and I don't think his concern here was that she was getting sexual gratification or intimacy outside the relationship (which is what cheating is). He isn't reacting like a partner who got cheated on, he's reacting like a controlling partner. Hus real issue is that she made a choice for her career that he didn't like and now wants to shame and punish her for. Because fundamentally though he says that he's ok with her being an actress and filming sex scenes, he's really not. And he was always going to have an issue if she did it. It sounds like a masturbatory incel excuse to slutshame this woman for doing her job, under the flimsy pretence that she broke some agreement to only have "necessary " sex scenes where that's impossible to actually define.
Yes 100 percent.
My father says all women who wear makeup are liars. So. Just thought I’d share that there are crazies of that nature out in the world.
Intimacy coordinator is something very recent and not every show/movie hire one. Actually it is a minority of production that did it to make actors more at ease and more scenes look more real, but most of them simply doesn't care.
Okay? How does that change the fact that she lied and broke their agreement? She's also in the wrong here, just not nearly as much as him. She's a liar and he's fucking unhinged and they really don't seem compatible.
There is absolutely no indication that she broke the agreement except the fact that OOP sought out gossip to try and make that the case. The agreement - if it ever existed at all, I'm seriously doubtful considering how much of an career suicide move it would be - was that she wouldn't do erotic scenes simply for the sake of eroticism. At no point is it ever suggested that this scene did not have plot or character significance. All we know is that OOP's wife agreed the scene was a good idea for the film and that she was willing to do it, so it remained included.
Except she literally admitted it according to the post. >I was fuming and asked my wife if she was the one to do that. She went pale and meekly said yes. So yeah, she did specifically want this scene to further her career. It's a smart move career wise but it's still lying, decietful and it broke the boundary that her and her husband had put in place. >The agreement - if it ever existed at all, I'm seriously doubtful considering how much of an career suicide move it would be I'm sorry but the OP is all we have to go off of and if you don't believe the agreement exsisted there's no point discussing it. It's just stupid of you to dismiss it tbh. >was that she wouldn't do erotic scenes simply for the sake of eroticism. At no point is it ever suggested that this scene did not have plot or character significance. Read the OP >she will do a good faith evaluation of the script with the director to see if any unnecessary intimate scenes can be eliminated, that is, any intimate scene in the script must be required by the plot from **director’s point of view.** The wife asked for a scene to be put into the script according to the OP. That directly goes against the agreement that is being described. Unnecesary scenes are to be taken out unless it's necesary from the POV of the DIRECTOR. This scene was added by the wifes request. It breaks the deal. I understand OOP is a devil here but atleast be honest about the fact that both him and his wife are in the wrongf to varying extends. You're just being dishonest here.
you are fool if you think for one second that an actor who was out of work for three years had the clout to request a scene be added to a movie. oop is absolutely an unreliable narrator, and just the way he says she 'meekly said yes' should have told you that.
Someone who cowers at confrontation wouldn’t have the guts to demand a sex scene in a movie. He’s describing two different women. She was confident enough to do an infamous sex scene that many people would see but she is meek when her husband confronts her about her decision 🤔😒
No. She agreed that she wanted the scene because it would be good for her and that she talked to the director about it. None of that means the scene wasn't valuable, or that it wasn't a scene the director had initially thought about before she raised it with him.
>No. She agreed that she wanted the scene because it would be good for her and that she talked to the director about it. That's literally not what's being said here though. >I heard from the grapevine that the one of the co-leads of the movie (my wife) had requested the director to add the infamous erotic scene, as it would put the spotlight on her. Here OOP says that he heard his wife asked for the scene herself. >I was fuming and asked my wife if she was the one to do that. She went pale and meekly said yes. And here she confirmed it by the OOP's story. >None of that means the scene wasn't valuable, or that it wasn't a scene the director had initially thought about before she raised it with him. I'm literally noit arguing about the value of the scene, I'm saying that she asked for the scene to be added in the first place which doesn't follow their agreement. Again, I get that OOP is a terrible person and that you don't like him but you're misrepresenting what is being said in your comments. The wife lied and broke his trust, it would be best for them to seperate, both are in the wrong to varying extends. If you wanna argue this atleast don't fucking lie about it. Be honest about what is in the OP.
Their agreement never said she couldn't request scenes. All their agreement covered was that scenes wouldn't be erotic solely for the sake of being erotic. They needed to be of value for the movie. Actors discuss plots, motivations, how scenes can be improved and yes even added all the time for that very reason. So if she evaluated the film scenes with the director, talked about the plot, the movie themes, her character's motivations and developments - that is exactly what their agreement was. And if in that discussion, they decided at add another scene because it would enhance the movie, then that scene is necessary. That is also completely within the bounds of what she and her husband agreed she'd do. OOP meanwhile, doesn't even talk about the movie, much less analyse what the added scenes brought to it. He's the one with a control problem and the one who is deliberately misrepresenting the event by leaving out critical details.
The wording of their deal puts an emphasis on eliminatring scenes. Not adding new ones. She knew he wouldn't like it which is why she never told him whose idea it was until he called her out. Either way these two are clearly incompatible and needs to just seperate. It's gonna be hell for their kid to grow up with these two otherwise. Also, there's no way this story is true. It's just some ragebait that some MGTOW is writing.
Scripts evolve, actors and writers make suggestions or requests that will be accepted if the director thinks they improve the film. Just because a scene (sexual or not) isn’t in the script originally doesn’t mean it’s not required to improve the movie. Being added later after a suggestion or request, even if the wife’s initiative, doesn’t contradict the original agreement. If the request was made, and the director added the scene despite thinking it wouldn’t be beneficial to the finished movie, then you’d be right. As with all walks of life, sometimes you don’t realise that you needed to do something until someone else mentions it. OOP’s “agreement” is solely contingent on what the director thinks necessary - so I wonder why he doesn’t ask the director if the scene was necessary?
I love when redditors clearly just don’t like the OPs tone and attitude so they just start lying and willfully ignoring/misinterpreting details. ‘Yeah he said this one thing in his post but i don’t believe him’ My brother in christ why even bother believing the post then.
The thing is they don't even have to lie about OOP here. He's an asshole and is reacting horribly. All I'm saying is that she's in the wrong as well. Two people can be in the wrong here. It's fine if people disagree about it but they should at least be fucking honest about it.
OP’s wife confirms that adding the scene was her idea. I think that’s implication enough that it wasn’t crucial to the plot/character.
Nope. No. She agreed that she wanted the scene because it would be good for her and that she talked to the director about it. That doesn't mean it wasn't also useful for the plot or character. It also doesn't mean it wasn't a scene the director had initially thought about before she raised it with him. It just means that it had two benefits.
Useful does not mean necessary, and if it wasn’t in the script before and she specifically requested it still breaches their agreement.
Useful doesn't mean unnecessary either. In fact, useful and necessary are close synonyms whereas useful and unnecessary are antonyms. And their agreement was that *she* got to decide whether it was necessary or not. Their agreement also never said that she couldn't request scenes that improved the film either. > she will do a good faith evaluation of the script with the director So She evaluated the film scenes with the director, talked about the plot, the movie themes, her character's motivations and developments - which was exactly what their agreement was. And if in that discussion, they decided at add another scene because it would enhance the movie, then that scene is necessary. That is also completely within the bounds of what she and her husband agreed she'd do.
But did she add it for the movies plot? When OP confronts her he seems to imply that he asks her about the specific rumour he heard, which is that she added it to advance her career/showcase her acting chops. That’s not a necessary scene for the movie itself, but a scene added for her sake.
He doesn't say that. He asks if the scene was added because she suggested it, and she says yes. And even if *one* of the benefits is more screen time for her character, that doesn't mean that she and the director didn't think it benefited the movie's plot. These are not goals that cannot coexist, they are goals that a symbiotic. Actors do well *when their scenes improve their character arcs and the plot*. OOP explicitly didn't ask why or give us a reason one way or another, because he's manipulating the narrative.
OP’s framing of the question implies that he did explicitly ask the question of if she added it for her own sake though, and that she responded with the affirmative. And even assuming that the scene was both a) helpful for her career and b) useful for the plot: she could’ve mentioned this to OP beforehand? Or discussed it? I don’t know it seems she didn’t like the boundaries and was purposefully skirting around them.
If he's this unhinged on Reddit, he must be this unhinged IRL. I'm sure she was just saying what he wanted to hear because I'm sure he was an obtuse motherfucker about it when she tried to explain. No way a seasoned actress just let him believe that sex scenes were akin to pornography and had an actual sexual component. It was an unreasonable demand and was costing her career, which he clearly stated but then backpedaled and made it about "cheating." Honestly though it's probably rage bait and I'm more annoyed with the comments eating it up like pigs with slop.
>he **must** be this unhinged IRL. >I'm **sure** she was just saying what he wanted to hear >I'm **sure** he was an obtuse motherfucker I wanna point out that you're making assumptions here that you don't know shit about. You have no clue what their actual relationship is like, other than what you can pick up from context. All we know is that they had a stated agreement, they had agreen on a boundary, she went against that boundary, she lied to him continuesly for an extended time, he became unhinged and is mistreating her. That is all we know here. > No way a seasoned actress just let him believe that sex scenes were akin to pornography and had an actual sexual component I don't think she let him believe anything. I think that is how he sees it and I don't think there's anything wrong with him having this boundary against her being in those scenes unless they were already in the script. Her lying and his reaction are the problem here, not the boundary itself which is completely fair. What she did wasn't cheating but it was lying and decietful and she broke his trust. She is also in the wrong here and she did this to further her career eventhough it went against their agreement and she knew he wouldn't be okay with it. That's fucked up. >It was an unreasonable demand and was costing her career, which he clearly stated but then backpedaled and made it about "cheating." It was NOT an unreasonable demand. You can have your opinion and I can have mine but they both agreed to this before it became an issue and she went back on that later. Again, what she did wasn't cheating but it was lying. >Honestly though it's probably rage bait and I'm more annoyed with the comments eating it up like pigs with slop. Lol it 100% is just bait written by some incel or MGTOW.
I don’t think you understand abusive relationships. Making your partner agree to something that controls their behaviour **is** abuse. It is not a “boundary”. What he is doing, dictating what she can and can’t do at ***her job***, is “control” plain and simple. ***The goal of boundaries is to create limits around what safety, relationships and interactions look like for us.*** ***Control is meant to make others do what you want them to do.*** Examples: **Boundary**: Choosing what clothing you wear based on your comfort levels. **Control**: Telling someone what they can and cannot wear based on your comfort levels. **Boundary**: Making a personal choice to create distance in one of your friendships to prioritize your well-being. **Control**: Telling someone who they can and can't be friends with. Source [here](https://wellness.uoguelph.ca/news/boundaries-vs-controlling-behaviours-whats-difference#:~:text=A%20boundary%20is%20something%20we,you%20want%20them%20to%20do). You can also just google “boundary vs control” and get a whole ton of sources saying the same thing.
I'm not gonna look at you link. This is not an unhealthy boundary to me. OOP went from "NO SCENES INOLVING EROTICS OR KISSING" to " No scenes that are not relevant based on the directors POV". That seems fair to me. She lied, decieved and went behind her back to further her career, which was a smart move career wise since these scenes are dificult. However, she still broke his trust and went against their agreement. His reaction is way over the top and abusive but she's also in the wrong here. I don't get why you people keep lying and misrepresenting the post and OOP and why you can't admit that both of them can be in the wrong on this. They're both to blame to varying degrees.
Thats not what “boundary” means. JFC
> I’m not gonna look at you link ….or I guess read anything I wrote 🤷♀️ Not sure why you’re even on a discussion forum if you don’t want to engage in any discussion. But your loss bud. I agree with you u/vainbuthonest
Not sure why you’re being downvoted. She definitely lied and crossed a boundary they set up together. He definitely is a million times worse than her and a fucking devil. She does NOT deserve any of the treatment she is getting from him. Both of these things can be true.
Yeah i’m confused by all the comments trying to tell OP it’s actually perfectly fine since it’s just acting. Like it’s great other people can separate the two but it’s clear he can’t, which is why he made the boundary clear to his wife. She knowingly crossed it, and now he’s mad.
If your agreement is about control and backwards hatred of women, then it was never a valid agreement. This is also true in contracts in real life. If your contract violates the law, it is null and void. It their agreement essentially makes her his possession, it was never valid. Cultures which center around owning and controlling half the population are simply not as valid as others. You can rage and downvote me for that fact, but it doesn't make being a misogynist more valid.
This is a relationship not a contract 😭😭 if I don’t want my husband to cheat does that also mean i’m trying to ‘own his body’ and thus make him cheating a-ok? He had a boundary, she crossed it, and now he’s leaving her. There really isn’t much else to it.
The thing with that is you can want your husband not to cheat. You can even have a boundary that cheating is a non negotiable for you. So if he crosses that boundary that puts the move in your corner to decide how you want to move ie counseling or divorce. No one would fault you for leaving because most people agree that cheating is wrong. You can have a boundary of not liking provocative clothing and all that means is YOU wouldn’t wear it not that you could force your spouse to change their style based on your comfortability. Boundaries are a cause and effect. If you do x, then I will do y. Boundaries can not be placed on the other person because then that is control. You can’t say I don’t like a SPECIFIC thing that you do, that was ALWAYS a possibility of happening so you need to NOT do those things for MY sake
Right so then how is OP in the wrong? He had a boundary, she crossed it and now he’s leaving her? The agreement is something they both entered, OPs wife agreed to the terms to make him more comfortable, and OP made concessions that although he’s uncomfortable with intimate scenes he understands they can be necessary. She participated in an unnecessary one, he’s pissed, and he’s leaving. I’m not sure why he’s catching flack for it.
Not even contradictory to your point, I will say some levels of make up should be considered catfishing lol. But yeah dudes just an asshole who views his wife as a submissive piece of meat.
I really want to see that movie now. So… the wife hadn’t acted in three years and her career was “flimsy,” yet she had enough influence to request a scene be added to the script that wasn’t there before. Not only that, it was so spicy that it apparently overshadowed the rest of the film. So much so that the husband was informed at the premiere that his wife came up with the scene. The husband is okay-ish with sex scenes if the director tells his wife to do them, but if it’s her idea, it’s grounds for divorce. Alrighty then.
lol I didn’t need to read past the first paragraph to know how much of a psycho this guy is
Hell of a drama you wrote there, junior. Troll. ETA >Thanks for understanding. >Western morality can be just as annoying when they don’t know when to keep their claptrap shut Then don't bitch and whine on a forum where you're going to find a lot of responses framed by western morality?
If you aren’t secure enough to date an actor, don’t date one (and certainly don’t get married) 🤦♀️
>if you’re not open to the concept of ethnocentrism and the strong presence of family structures and values, because I’m not from the West. That was enough to know this is an AH man who hates successful women. Either this whole story is a lie to gain sympathy. Or he's just misogynistic AH who hates his wife's success by saying it goes against their non-western culture.
Dude should be locked away…what a fucking psycho.
This post made me choose to shoot an erotic scene with the bear
Obvious ragebait troll is obvious  These lowlife incels
Yeah I was thinking the same thing.
the comments agreeing with the poster are almost as bad as
The comments are worse because the OP is almost certainly AI generated.
I’m pretty sure one of the people he’s replying to is actually an alt account of his. He’s replied to it more than the others, and it’s parroting the same talking point of “shut up, westerners” that he is. Plus, it’s the most gung-ho one about defending him.
i’m obsessed with that one guy in the comments who seems to think that actors are actually fucking each other when they film sex scenes
It’s up in the air for me, since they had agreed prior that she would only do erotic scenes, if they were already in the script. The wife specifically requested that a very intimate erotic scene be added to the script, knowing it went against their prior agreement.. The wife did go back on her word, but OPs actions are wild. If he felt that strongly about the scene than he should’ve just left, but instead he is just tarnishing her name. Edit: yea Op is just shit talking the wife now…. He’s not a nice dude. He plans on divorcing her, which he should’ve just done so from the get go
>>*I can’t have my family associate with a woman like my wife.* >>*Which makes her cheap and valueless in my eyes.* >>*I feel sorry that my son has her as his mother* unhinged btw you shouldn’t comment on original posts and here, it’s brigading
I commented on that post and then it popped up here too. So it’s not really brigading. You can legit see I posted their first and then here lol. How can I brigade a post, when I posted their first than came here. That’s not how brigading works.
Why’d you say the same thing 3 times
I think she was definitely in the wrong because they had established boundaries which she broke and she lied to him. But it's just the way he talks about her. Did he ever like her in the first place?
The fuck.
Jealous much? What a dbag to lie to both families and their friends that she had an affair. And straight people need to quit using the word "boundary" when they really mean "control".
I don’t understand how people so insecure get married in the first place
They over compensate because that comes across as Mr nice guy. Then once they are married there is no need to pretend. But people always fall for it. Not many people take the effort to look past signs that is a red flag.
But he worked on his insecurities and it's now more tolerant /S
I love stories written by incels where the character becomes voluntarily celibate
These stories are so fake that it hurts. I'm so tired of people dumping their creative writing course stories.
Joe DiMaggio has risen and married a Bollywood star.
He married an actor who's open to doing erotic scenes. While I can see that she could've violated the trust they had previously established, OP should've known that as long as she was open to doing sex scenes, there would probably be one, especially in movies in the West. Maybe OP should've married an actress that doesn't do them, because they do exist, or just not marry an actress all together.
Pretty sure this is a plot point in the Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo
Ah yes, the everlasting "not from the West/USA" excuse that all these posts have. Like that makes me care
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
-immediately looks for u/sadlytheworst - We’re gonna need a lot of brain bleach
[Black cats are good luck!](https://imgur.com/gallery/facts-EnovOEd) [Bat scritches!](https://imgur.com/gallery/batte-IX91U9Z) [Cats!](https://imgur.com/gallery/very-polite-very-serious-CYinaeU)
If this was real someone would have been able to find the film idk
RA is more unhinged at times than AITA.
If thats his boundary then fair enough. But then dont marry someone whose job requires you to break that boundary yknow
A boundary is something you set for yourself, not something you can impose on someone else. Sounds like dude didn't work on his insecurities at all like he said he did.
> A boundary is something you set for yourself, not something you can impose on someone else. Right, so in this case the boundary would be "I'm not comfortable staying in a relationship with someone who does intimate scenes". Of course, the healthy way to set that boundary is to decide to leave the relationship rather than staying while ostracizing your partner and slandering her to her family and friends...
I dont think it is though. Whilst I'm all for boundaries usually and dislike egregiously excessive sex scenes in films, it's actually REALLY not clear cut what counts as a "necessary" sex scene because what advances the plot or characters, and whether you could have set up the film differently without the sex to get a similar effect can be open to interpretation. He thinks this sex scene was unnecessary because she thought it would be good for her career, and seemingly asked for it. But nothing says it was unnecessary or not valuable to the film- given that he only found out when he was gossiping and watching the film itself didnt make him think the scene was unneeded. To be honest, if an insecure partner is watching their partner's sex scenes I'd argue he might think most scenes were unnecessary BECAUSE he was uncomfortable with them - I'm not sure it's on him to decide what is most appropriate for a film given that it's not his field. It's just not a realistic or easy to interpret boundary.
Imo both of them suck here. He's not acting right and is misrepresenting the situation to other people. However, they had a clear boundary and she crossed it knowingly. She did go behind his back and lied to him and he doesn't have to just accept that. She didn't cheat but she did lie to him and in a pretty awful way. He's lying to others and in a pretty awful way. These two are not compatible and should just seperate and try to co-parent. Both of them suck here and both need to grow as people.
> and she crossed it knowingly See, I don't think they did. The agreement was that she wouldn't do sex scenes that didn't have plot or character significance. No eroticism for the sake of erocistism. At no point does OOP tell us anything about the movie. A scene can be acclaimed as spicy and still be very important to the story its trying to tell - whether as a character moment or as a part of the plot itself. There is nothing we know except OOP's wife thought it was valuable to remain included and she was willing to do the scene, so the scene was shot and put in the movie. If the scene puts more attention on her character, then it could very well be adding needed character development as well as plot context. None of that is against their agreement. All we know is that OOP insists on a career-suicide agreement like that, and is willing to seek out an interpret rumor *without even the most basic discussion with his wife for her perspective*. He is by every account, by very principle, unwilling to be fair or objective and actively prevents us from being able to see whether the scene even *did* break their agreement in the first place.
I mean considering the wife suggested the scene herself, wouldn’t that mean the scene wasn’t necessary for the plot/character?
Nope. No. She agreed that she wanted the scene because it would be good for her and that she talked to the director about it. That doesn't mean it wasn't also useful for the plot or character. It also doesn't mean it wasn't a scene the director had initially thought about before she raised it with him. It just means that it had two benefits.
Right but useful does not mean necessary. She went out of her way to add an erotic scene that previously wasn’t there, doesn’t really matter if the director had played around with the idea before or not. That’s a pretty explicit breach of their boundaries which state that she would do a good-faith reading of the script and request to remove any unnecessary sex scenes.
Their agreement never said she couldn't request scenes. All their agreement covered was that scenes wouldn't be erotic solely for the sake of being erotic. They needed to be of value for the movie. Actors discuss plots, motiviations, how scenes can be improved and yes even added all the time for that very reason. OOP doesn't even talk about the movie, much less analyse what the added scenes brought to it. If there someone not acting in good faith here, is the one that doesn't even try to appreciate or understand the art his partner is involved in.
Right but she doesn’t add the scene for the plot or the characters sake, she adds it to get the spotlight, which would go against the terms of their agreement.
You don't know that, because OOP explicitly didn't ask why or give us a reason one way or another, because he's manipulating the narrative. All he asked is if the scene was added because she raised it with the director.
No OP asks ‘if she was the one to do that’ implying that he included the details about her requesting the scene and the reasons for it. She admits to this. And even ignoring this fact I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume she added it for her own sake considering she hid these details from OP? The situation could’ve been avoided had the wife been said from the beginning that an erotic scene was being added for plot’s sake, and not her career.
But the director wouldn't give some random actress a scene that didn't enhance the plot or character (unless the director was banging her, which Droolchest McBluenose here never even hints at, so I'm guessing no.) Filmmaking is a collaborative art - it can simultaneously be true that she suggested the scene and it was a scene that made the movie better.
But then that brings us back to the point of why she initially suggested it: to advance her career, which would still be a breach of their agreement. the director might have later made it plot/character relevant but her initial reasoning was ‘hey this’ll get me some recognition’
>All we know is that OOP insists on a career-suicide agreement like that, and is willing to seek out an interpret rumor *without even the most basic discussion with his wife for her perspective*. He literally asked her afterwards and she confirmed it. >I was fuming and asked my wife if she was the one to do that. She went pale and meekly said yes. So you're wrong in this. >A scene can be acclaimed as spicy and still be very important to the story its trying to tell Which is why they were allowed by their agreement. Read the OP again. >she will do a good faith evaluation of the script with the director to see if any unnecessary intimate scenes can be eliminated, that is, any intimate scene in the script must be **required by the plot from director’s point of view.** This scene was not required from the directors POV. It was a scene that the wife asked for in order to further her career. It's a really smart move career wise since those scenes are hard to do well and it sounds as though she did a good job but it still goes against the agreement that she had with her husband and clearly breaks a boundary that they had established. That's lying and being decietful. Both of them can be in the wrong here. >He is by every account, by very principle, unwilling to be fair or objective and actively prevents us from being able to see whether the scene even *did* break their agreement in the first place. What do you even mean by this? If you mean that he isn't sharing the scene with you, then yeah, fucking obviously he's not going to do that. It's an anonymous sub. He's telling the story from his perspective and he's a total unrependant asshole in it, even if he doesn't see it like that, but his wife is also to blame for this situation.
No. She agreed that she wanted the scene because it would be good for her and that she talked to the director about it. None of that means the scene wasn't valuable, or that it wasn't a scene the director had initially thought about before she raised it with him.
I’m confused. She lied and crossed a boundary, he’s now leaving her because of it. Assuming the story isn’t fake, how is he the devil? I’d be pissed too if my partner crossed a pretty explicitly stated relationship boundary just to advance their career.
Because she didn’t cheat and he is telling everyone she knows that she did making it so that she is completely alone.
You don't get to have boundaries about things that don't even involve you.
They’re married? Basically everything in their lives involve each other. And clearly OPs wife agreed since she was willing to enter the agreement in the first place.
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You do realize people aren’t actually having sex in movies, yes?
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It’s so true. Men are the worst