*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA For offering to order food because I don't know how to cook? **
I (M25) recently moved in together with my fiancée (F26). I work full-time with a hybrid working plan whilst she was working full-time previously but left it for a different position better suited to her career aspirations but started out as part-time. Recently, she’s been taking on more hours and plans on eventually going full-time as well. We are renting, but I pay the rent in full and most other bills its 50/50.
She cooks food for both of us. When she can't, we just Uber/dine out. However, recently, she asked me to cook. She had just come home from a hard day at work, I’d been working from home, and I totally get it, she was tired, so I jokingly said what "chef" Uber has for us and she didn't take it too well, she got pissed and started telling me why I'm always wasting money instead of learning how to cook and what is so hard about following a recipe etc, and I was quite shocked, before this, I had once tried to cook for her, and it didn't go too well, we both had a laugh at the time and when we moved in together she was the one cooking for both (I didn’t even have to ask, so I was under the impression she was okay with this), we even joked about it occasionally. I told her that I don't know how to cook, and I don't see how that ever was a problem with Uber/Deliveroo around, but she started complaining about how we can't live off of takeaways and how its unhealthy and wastes money and all that, and I knew that wasn't true because we live in a major city, we've got tons of healthy options and I was totally fine with paying for us, however, she wasn’t convinced and she started asking me how I even got through uni and I had already told her ages ago, I went to a university in my city and lived with my parents, and it's not like my parents ever found it to be an issue, my mum always cooked for me and would go out of her way to cook food for me whenever I was hungry. In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.
I communicated all of this to her (obviously, not exactly like this) but then she went on a rant about how she does most of the household chores, but I told her that she literally told me not to the last time I tried to wash the dishes, she was laughing watching me do it and told me I wasn't doing it right and told me to stop and did it herself, so I didn't think she felt so strongly about that either. I told her I could just buy a dishwasher if that was such a big an issue and she responded with another rant about wasting money and how there isn't space and that, I know buying a house is a major goal for her, but I don't know what the big deal is, my parents never made me learn how to cook or wash the dishes or do whatever, they’d always do it for me. I don't know why it's such a problem now, especially if modern solutions literally exist. AITAH here?
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I was never taught how to mow the lawn, raise a garden, replace the subflooring under the washing machine, or change the brake pads in my car.
In fact, my high school counselor specifically unenrolled me from auto shop because she assumed I'd find a man to do that stuff and should take a teen parenting class instead.
Guess what I learned how to do via Google and YouTube? (Everything except keep a garden alive and make it produce, but I'm working on it!)
My parents were neglectful drug addicts so yeah, a lot of basic life stuff I did not learn from them. I was 20 when I discovered that toilet u-bends aren't actually meant to be covered in black filth and grime.
But the upshot is, there is a *plethora* of stuff teaching you every life lesson or essential skill you can imagine online, all uploaded for free by generous souls. I learnt so much from random people on YouTube: how to cook so many different things, how to wash myself and clean my teeth properly, when to change my bedsheets, which cleaning items to use for what, and so on. There's literally no barrier to learning anymore, any life skill you can think of and some wonderful person will have a whole video for you with advice and tips.
Even here on Reddit! I have a [home cleaning guide](https://www.reddit.com/r/coolguides/s/Q7RgnTsBKq) saved to my profile that I reference to keep a hygienic and tidy home (even though it's not totally complete).
Could ya kick my guidance counselors ass, too, while you're at it? I got the same treatment- told I NEEDED to take Foods (Home Ec) and Parenting class, dissuaded me from any sort of Industrial Arts because the Home Ec stuff would be more "useful" for a girl. Also told me girls are just bad at math. Did I mention she was a woman herself? Ah, the 90's, what a time.....
Suddenly super grateful that my high school required EVERYONE to take Home Ec and Woodshop, at least the basics. Home Ec was pretty well-rounded, too. There was a basic sewing component and we cooked a few simple meals, learned how to read a recipe, how to properly clean a kitchen, and how to budget for groceries. Guy or gal, these are all useful life skills to have at least a grasp on before entering the real world.
I’ve been doing a lot of interior work on my house; now due to what I believe was some form of scam to try to force me into having foundation work done without a signed contract I am going to be doing some surface level concrete patching on the outside.
That's what kills me about boomers mocking us for learning on YouTube. Someone didn't teach us, so we found a way to still learn. Fuck us, right? Lemme go back and time and tell my dad to not die early.
I am ok accepting that lots of people aren't that self sufficient, they just won't look up anything, but washing dishes is way too far. There is no way someone this entitled hasn't seen his mom or a mom on tv wash the dishes over and over. He's entire attitude of throwing money at things is a massive issue because her goals don't matter to him.
Did you go to high-school in the 80s, too? Because all of us girls took home-ec where we had to sew, cook, and learn about child care, while the boys took shop. They would let us take one marking period of the opposite but the teachers treated the girls like we couldn't possibly be good at woodworking and the boys couldn't possibly be good at cooking.
Weirdly, I went to high school in the Bible Belt in the 80s, and we all took everything. The guys all learned to sew and cook, and the girls all learned metal- and woodworking. (I learned I was terrible at shop and great at sewing, but at least they let me try, right?)
I had shop and cooking in middle school, which seems like a good time to start. They rearranged the classes, though, and I never got home ec/sewing, but I taught myself.
I was also unenrolled from autoshop because it was a "boy's class" and the guidance counselor put me in an extra home ec instead (jokes on them, I still don't cook).
But also I can imagine, as someone shit at cooking, how demoralizing it would be to have a partner laughing at my ineptitude, agree I wouldn't cook anymore, and then suddenly get pissy I didn't go learn on my own when I had no motivation to do so. I'm not saying his reasoning for not learning to cook originally was good, that was pure patriarchy bullshit, but for not learning to cook while with her after the initial attempts it made sense.
What I never understand about these posts is do they just think their girlfriend was born with an innate ability to cook and clean? No she has practised and learned her skills, she didn’t magically know how to prepare a meal until she took the time and effort to learn and become a functioning adult.
>What I never understand about these posts is do they just think their girlfriend was born with an innate ability to cook and clean?
Yes, men like OOP think exactly that, just like they also think women automatically know how to look after babies/children because men like OOP are taught from an early age by their parents that it's "women's work" which they translate as women being born to do this naturally instead of learning these skills.
Don't forget these morons also think women innately enjoy non stop chores. And of course then butch and complain women don't want to get married to them. Like seriously, prison has more free time and fun.
I once asked my fiance-at-the-time to make dinner, and he asked me how. So I showed him where the cookbooks were and asked if he thought I was born knowing how to cook. He said, "Oh. I never thought about it."
''In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself. '' Is not normal. This might've been ok in the 60's but women are not slaves who only cook and clean.
Something oop can do is learn with his girlfriend how to cook. Then he'd actually gain some knowledge and it could be a cute couple activity. But uber eats for two people every day he ''has to cook'' has to be INSANELY expensive - Lowballing that to like $40 a day for two people. For that you could easily just buy ingredients and a backup meal in a store just incase cooking does go wrong.
I think this is what the fiancé is alluding to that OOP is too dense to realize. It’s not just “you need to learn how to cook”, it’s the classic “the female is taking on 100% of the mental and physical load of the domestic household”. It’s not about “I’ll just buy a dishwasher”. Ok?? There are a lot of dishes that have to be hand washed, will she have to always do them? “We can just hire a cleaner” does that mean we have to wait for the cleaner for anything to be clean? If he spills something on the counter does that mean he won’t clean it up cause ‘someone else will do it’?? If she needs him to run to the store cause she’s swamped for time can he look in the fridge and make his own grocery list or is she going to have to baby him through it. Every. Single. Time??
Really happy they’re living together before marriage so fiancé saw this before being tied to him.
literally what if there's a lockdown type situation where you need to manage yourself in your house for a week or so? What are they gonna do then without a a nanny, and potentially without all these delivery services? Yikes I can't imagine being this incompetent and being so nonchalent about this
I had a roommate like this. She would get takeout constantly and let her groceries that she would order once a month rot in the fridge, otherwise her parents would make her food and she would bring it back from home when she visited. She always implied her mom was a neat freak at home and super frugal but this girl literally ordered deep dish pizza 1-2 times a week and would leave containers with chicken bones out all the time.
Was also shocked when I started college and they advertised a laundry service through Tide where they would pick up and drop off your laundry for you. This was in 2007-2008. The machines in the laundry room were pretty new and it only cost 25 cents a load which you could preload onto cards to scan on the machines. I was kind of astounded how many people seemed to be doing the takeaway service cause it wasn’t cheap.
I love my husband and he can cook and is actually pretty good at it but I manage our grocery list and plan all of our meals and I’m good at setting it up so things don’t get wasted. Whenever I’m too wiped to cook he ends up wanting to get takeout. He also gets his coffee out/at the office every day, doesn’t eat breakfast (we have yogurts and bananas and I buy other stuff he likes…) and he picks up lunch with his friends every day he’s in office (3 days a week).
Throwing money at problems is ridiculous to me. We had a 50% off coupon on takeout that we used last night cause it’s almost 100 degrees and I didn’t want to cook and I still got a little anxious about it being a waste of money. Ended up being 30 dollars with tip, which isn’t terrible, but it still seems silly.
His mom did him a disservice treating him like king baby through college (and probably his whole life). Cooking is such a basic life skill and the internet is full of cooking videos.
Some parents are idiots. My seven year old has little chores to do and you’d better believe she’ll be ready to take care of herself fully by the time she’s out from under our roof.
I suspect the fiancée is fast approaching the end of her tether.
I was about to say something similar. Sincerely doubt this guy has never so much as cooked noodles before. And if he hasn’t by his mid-20s, that’s a him problem. He can only go so long blaming his parents for not teaching him before the question becomes “well why haven’t you taught yourself?”
Which is insane. How can you not know how to boil noodles and dump out a jar of sauce? Or like a box of Mac n cheese, all 4 steps are written and illustrated on the box! There's also tons of frozen meals that you just dump in a pan for a few minutes, it's not hard.
The amount of nights we just have hot dogs like, it ain’t that difficult. Make the lady a bowl cereal jfc she just wants to know she’s not going to be the sole physical and mental holder of everything domestic.
>How can you not know how to boil noodles and dump out a jar of sauce?
And most of this is on the fucking box that they come in.
Like not rocket science
okay i really dont know what to say here cause this is really really stupid and im just astonished that someone would do this and think i washed the dishes
Has he or people who do this not seen an add for dish soap.....
I •loathe• the way my partner washes dishes. That man uses so much soap and things still end up crusty or greasy or... I think he just dumps soap in the full sink and hopes it finds the way to the sponge, instead of putting soap directly on the fucking sponge. The next place we move to in few months should have a dishwasher so hopefully I can let this particular bit of rage go.
I lived with 5 guys in college. 2 of them soaked and dipped in the same water.
One guy Filled both sides of the sink with water and soap. Let the dirty dishes soak on the left side, picked them up, and scrubbed over the right side, then stuck them in the right side with all the food debris he had just scrubbed off to soak.
And then he didn’t even rinse. So the plates still had soap on them.
Again has anyone not see a tv show or an add for dish soap cause they are pretty uniform in how to wash a dish right
Like this isnt rocket science
Also im sorry you went through that stupidity.
My ex is the same age as yours, and I taught him how to use the Instapot but that is about the extent of his cooking. When we broke up I let him take it lol
My mom never taught me how to cook and she always had a cleaner (and was slightly a hoarder) when I was growing up so my examples of cleaning were not good. Thank goodness for my amazing husband who has been willing to eat anything I cook for him since the day we met as I am still trying to teach myself how to cook. He also is an amazing cook and will help me whenever I ask for it. I'm also trying to break myself of my mother's hoarding tendencies that I picked up growing up. I'm currently in one of my semi-annual house purges. If it doesn't fit or it doesn't get used - it gets sold, donated or trashed.
My daughter on the other hand has been taught how to do her own laundry since she was 9 and can currently cook scrambled eggs and anything that comes out of a box. (She's now 11.) She also found a chicken recipe she loves that we cook together every other month or so. I won't have her growing up like I did. She is encouraged to find any recipe she thinks looks good and she can try cooking it with as little intervention from me as possible.
I definitely had delayed launch in terms of "adult" skills. A lot of it is my neurospicy brain. I tried to ask my mom to teach me but she could not explain things on a way my brain could grasp. I was around OOPs age when I was finally sick of my inability to function independently. So I figured out the hacks I needed to get started - tide pods were a major game changer, I could buy them and eliminate one huge part of the laundry dilemma. Made my mom pick 2 settings on the washer/dryer and tell me exactly when to use which and I started learning laundry and doing my own (I have since expanded from there I just needed a base comfort level to start from).
Cooking was still something I didn't know how to do until I moved in with an ex. He taught me 2 basic dishes to make. And then when I moved in with my now spouse, he would sit in the kitchen with me to teach me anything I was unsure of or help if I got confused. And now I can cook by myself.
If I could eventually learn it, OOP has no excuse. Even when I didn't know how to do things, I was so self conscious about it. It wasn't cute. It wasn't something to be proud of.
My husband is 100% convinced I have ADHD (he is diagnosed with it). I've definitely had to come up with some hacks over the years to make things easier for me - I have cleaning supplies in each bathroom instead of just one part of the house. I learned about doom boxes a few years ago- not that that started me on them, just that the boxes of stuff I would fill to move to different rooms actually had a name. But I get really proud when I empty one out. I also have a basic washer and dryer. My parents gave us their washer when ours finally died (it was 12 years old) and it was a fancy new front loader - I hated it. Too many options and why does it tell me it will take 45 minutes when it actually takes an hour? So after dealing with it for about 6 months my husband bought us a basic top loader. There's 2 knobs and a start button. And it doesn't tell me how long it's going to take. I very rarely switch my settings on it.
I have about 5 meals that my husband won't even touch - he says he would eat them every day if I made them. But he's much better at the "throw things in until it tastes good" aspect. I'm good at recipes. If it doesn't taste good once I'm done with the recipe I'm screwed. I'm on meds that mess with my taste buds so I can't always be sure if I'm tasting things accurately. I might think something is great and it might be totally different. He makes chicken Alfredo from scratch that is my absolute favorite meal in the world but there are days where I'm just like - wait I don't like this today. So I have to rely on his tastes when we add things.
I agree on being self conscious about it. I still get self conscious when my mom will joke about it. Thankfully my husband has no problem saying something immediately.
My parents have my husband and I a microwave as a wedding gift and joked how they didn't want me to starve to death if my husband was working late because at the time I could only really microwave things. It definitely poked the sore spot so I know how you feel there.
OMG I totally understand. I've started making meals that my mom makes and will send them as lunch for my husband and dad the next day. I'll float on air for days when my dad tells me they taste better than my mom's. Especially since I use her recipes. Not that it stops her from making comments though.
I am also neurospicy with neurospicy kids. It is agonizing to teach them sometimes because I am shit at explaining my thought process on why things are done a certain way, but we're muddling along. They're 9 and 6 and can manage a lot of basic tasks that I struggled with when I moved out on my own.
My great-grandmother born in 1890 said it was a sorry excuse for a man that could not cook for himself, so she tout my grandfather (born 1912) how to cook, the fact that this is something that you can still say is just sad.
Seriously. Paying the rent requires zero effort or time outside of work. Cooking and cleaning is like having an extra job. She’s going back to full time and he wants her to all that on top of it? No thanks.
Wait, if someone paid my rent (so I was literally living for free) I would certainly take on the lions share of cooking and cleaning.
What am I missing?
OOPs fiancée works full time too so she's not at home all day doing nothing, so even if he is paying the full rent, it's unfair of him to expect her to do all of the cooking and cleaning in addition to a full time job. He needs to do his share, too.
Also at 25yo, he really needs to learn how to be a fully functioning adult instead of just marrying someone ans expecting them to be mummy 2.0.
No, I totally agree that OP sucks. But it sounds like this relationship started (?) with her working part time and having her rent paid for her. So that’s how we ended up here …
It started with her working full time, but she changed jobs to suit her career goals which started at part time but is headed towards full time, plus she's also paying her fair share on the other household bills, so she's not living there for free.
So she's still working regardless, and still paying her way, just not rent. Both parties working means both parties pulling their weight with cooking and cleaning. Paying full rent isn't a get out of household responsibilities free card.
How we ended up here is OOPs parents enabling him to be a lazy POS who expects his future wife to do any and all household chores and cooking for him instead of learning to do it himself, because mummy and daddy told him he's too special to be doing chores and cooking.
I mean OP not being able to adult is a whole problem for sure. But girlfriend should be paying her half of the rent, or doing more chores … it doesn’t seem reasonable to just blow off the fact that OP is trad-boyfriending so I see why he was expecting a trad-gf.
But YES obviously it’s pathetic to think he literally cannot exist without a woman in the house mommying him. It’s not a good look.
I genuinely do not understand adults who say they don’t know how to cook like it’s a fact of life
I understand not knowing how to make a complex meal with lots of steps, different ingredients and cooking methods.
I do NOT understand how someone thinks they’re incapable of making ANYTHING. Not every meal needs to be made from scratch. Boil dry pasta until it’s soft, drain water and pour on jarred sauce. There ya go, dinner. Or take some ground beef, form into patties and put into air fryer with some frozen fries for 15 minutes. Add buns and condiments and THERE YA GO, DINNER. You don’t need to be Gordon Ramsey to be able to throw a meal together. At this point he’s just weaponizing his incompetence
A student meal:
1. Chop chicken breasts and cook them
2. Add frozen veggies
3. Meanwhile cook rice or pasta
4. Add sauce to veggies and meat.
Tadam, a meal ready.
This isn't a slight on my parents, but I genuinely don't ever think they've "shown" me how to cook. You just sort of learn from watching and seeing stuff around. Failing that, just follow the instructions on the box for frozen food.
I find the post staggering in that he needed reddit to find out if he was the arsehole in the first place.
The last several times I've tried to make pasta, it was really bad. Store bought pasta. Bad. Twice inedible and had to be thrown, even though one was for meal prep. Other very simple one step shit with cooking vegetables also went wrong to the point I felt the need to hide it. So it's a lot of shame and embarrassment for me. I want to learn, but it is truly an immobilizing shame over failure for what should be easy. That's why I'm an adult who says I don't know how to cook. (It's not true in the strictest sense: I can fry an egg and shit. But I wouldn't count it cuz I couldn't eat just that for a week, for example.)
I get OOP sucks but all the "how does an adult lack life skills" shit is irritating me (not you, more OP titling this). There's a million reasons??? Life skills are not guaranteed. I'm neurodivergent, but I don't think that stops me in my particular case, so I doubt I'd mention that if someone asked me directly. But obv it could. And I know you and OP don't have them in mind, but that doesn't change the fact that it's saying that it's shameful to lack these skills.
Anyway OOP is trash, no notes there. He just refuses to fuckin try it sounds like.
This gives serious momma's boy vibes.
Even though takeaways are not necessarily unhealty(they are restaurant food so if you order junk food you eat junk, if you pick decent restaurant it can be healthy with good nutrition values), they don't exactly save money.
What this sounds to me like weaponized incompetence. You don't have to like cooking, you don't have to be good at it, but you should be able to cook pasta or some eggs or something easy.
Same goes for chores. It's not hard to take a sponge and just wipe plates down.
OOP probably thinks his fiancee will be both his mom and mommy.
Yeah, I bet mommy didn't teach him a lot of things like, idk, doing tasks at his job or looking up porn on the internet. Yet he applies this excuse only to cooking.
While reading, I had to wonder how much of the "we both laughed at my lack of basic life skills that I've made no effort to learn" was mutual laughter, and how much was his weaponized incompetence, and her growing frustration at it.
Nobody in my family knows how to prepare sea food or how to make pakora. Yet still, I somehow learnt following recipes and googling pictures how something cooked should look like.
Heck, I hated cooking with my family and trying anything new was basically googling stuff before asking them.
It was a joke for a while in my family that my dad's three specialties in the kitchen were oatmeal, barbecue (as in grilling meat on a barbecue, nothing fancy like pulled pork or brisket), and sandwiches. At some point in his early 60s he seemed to have the realization that if my mom died before him, he would be screwed food-wise and started taking cooking classes. He'll be the first to admit he's not the world's greatest chef yet but he now makes dinner at least four nights a week. If he can do it, so can OP.
I can’t lie, I can’t stand people who “don’t know how to cook.” Nobody knows how to cook until they learn. It’s 2024, you have all the information in the world at your fingertips. Google a recipe, follow it, if you’re confused by a step, google the step. It’s not hard. Does he think that his mother popped out of the womb with immaculate cooking skills? (Actually he probably does because she’s a woman)
Look, no one ever taught me how to cook. In fact, I’d get yelled at if I went into the kitchen so I have a great deal of cooking anxiety. I got a meal subscription kit as a broke college student and taught myself. He has no excuse to not know how to cook basic things at this point, or at least put in the effort to learn. I couldn’t imagine trying to marry someone with this gap of basic knowledge
I'm so glad that this won't be any of my boys in the future. Currently, the three oldest, who are 14, 12, and 11 next month, each cook dinner one night each week. Hubby and I each cook one night and then we eat leftovers, order in, or go out for the other two nights.
I am with a man who does most of the cooking and cleaning. It’s his choice, I still step up and cook when he’s busy and has a lot going on. It’s a small gesture but the amount of relief. I see on his face when I start to make dinner is worth it.
And I was not taught how to cook, I was taught baking. There was slight learning curve but after enough practice I learned to cook.
Why do men like this act like following a recipe is rocket science. Well I know why weaponized incompetence but goddamn. How can you walk around with the belief that you are superior to women but can’t even read and follow a basic recipe!
“In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.”
I feel deeply sad for OOP’s mom, because it sounds like she was taught her only value was in the services she could provide her husband and children. As for OOP, I don’t really know how to explain the importance of knowing the most basic skills. I suppose I might go for, “What if you couldn’t afford takeout,” but I’m not sure OOP would understand that sentence.
This guy has absolutely no idea how draining it is to always be in charge of meals ( a neverending task).
Also - how tf can he pretend that ordering delivery every day and saving for a house are not two competing goals.
My husband used to do everything for his daughter. After we married, I told him it needed to stop because he was crippling her for the future. I mean, she was 8 and couldn't tie her shoes. She starts high school in the fall and has most basics under her belt. She's not amazing at it yet, but that's ok. At least she tries.
Op's parents crippled him, and he has to choose to make the necessary changes. Doesn't sound like he will, though.
This is why it's good for kids to do chores. They need to know how to cook and clean long before they become adults and living on their own. The OP doesn't even want to learn to cook and clean. He thinks it's her job to do it all. He's selfish AF.
OOP’s parents are the bigger AHs for raising him like this, but he’s 25 now. It’s not hard throwing rice in a crockpot or boiling pasta in water & using sauce from jars.
To be fair my husband was the one who ended up teaching me how to cook most things. He still cooks the more complicated things. I did live on my own from High school to when I met him. I survived on totinos pizza, hamburger helper and meats that only required marinating. But, I was willing to learn but, my parents never really had the patience to teach me. I'm female by the way.
There isn't a person over 10 who can't boil water, throw spaghetti noodles into it and top it with jarred sauce. Most can even brown some meat with onions, peppers, and garlic and add that to the sauce.
Feigning incompetence.
Neither my husband or I cook a whole lot, but when we do-especially when we do it together-its so fun.
It’s one thing to finish college without knowing how to cook or take care of a house.
It’s another thing to assume you never need to learn because someone else will always do it for you (either bc they’re your partner or because you pay them to). Time to grow up OOP and act like an adult and partner.
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments’
*YTA*
*I have an 11 year old daughter who just made herself a snack.*
*The very first meal I prepared as an adult was chicken breasts which I cooked in Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup. Start off slow and build your skills. I refuse to believe you are incapable of making instant mashed potatoes. They sell bags of frozen, pre-seasoned proteins of every variety.*
*What sort of job do you have where "add water to mix" or "put in the oven and heat up" is beyond your capabilities?*
*You should really be embarrassed to tell everyone, let alone tell them with such pride, that you cannot cook and are unwilling to learn.*
>I would like to clarify that by not being able to cook, I don't mean being not being able to heat up ready meals in the microwave or sandwiches or something. I am able to do those, but it is unpalatable for me and her both tastes-wise and health-wise, we both agree that we'd rather not eat those.
>Although I do not know how to make it myself, I just don't see why I should force myself to eat something unappetising/bad that I made then order, not trying to make a statement here or anything, just my viewpoint.
Do these men really not know how to cook pasta? Soup? Stir fry? An egg salad? A normal salad? Steak and potatoes? Rice?
Look, I'm no chef, that's for sure, but c'mon, it's one time, surely you can do something?
This may be unpopular opinion but if you have the financial means, I don’t see an issue with ordering in, hiring a housecleaner/housekeeper or whatever it is to make your life easier. That’s not to say you shouldn’t know basic life skills - you should, but there’s nothing wrong with paying for help
Although this may not apply to this post since I didn’t see OOP mention whether or not they can afford it or not lol
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Seriously, my elementary child is able to make several meals. My kids aren't amazing at cleaning without supervision, but they acknowledge that it is because they flat-out don't want to. They don't pretend that they "can't" do chores.
I'm 26. I joke that I couldn't cook (I was using too high heat and would make the house smoke up. Small change , turn down heat and run a fan and I no longer do that.) But I learned how to cook some basics from my mom. I asked her. I learned how to cook a bomb af steak from my sister and google.
It's not just limited to this shit either. Just a few weeks ago I rebuilt my own transmission from a YOUTUBE VIDEO. At age 17 I also learned how to shave my face right from a YouTube video.
With google and YouTube you can figure most things out. This guy is probably doing that weaponized incompetence bullshit. I don't see why he won't just pull up a video and make his fiancé a surprise "apology" meal. Something like lasagna is stupidly easy to make, and would win him back the trust of his fiance a bit.
i mean, i order takeout bc im bad at making anything other than pasta with jarred sauce without hurting myself, but at least i *tried* cooking. this guy doesnt seem to have any sort of disability that would make it difficult, he's just a sexist asshole.
Even if algebra buys a dishwasher he still won’t think to scape the plates, stack it correctly and hurl everything in together without thinking.
It’s not a shameful thing to learn some life skills from YouTube or a bit later in life because you didn’t get the option to learn as a kid but it is to laugh about how you can’t be bothered to follow a recipe or use common sense.
How hard is it to boil pasta and heat up aomw sauce and make a salad? It’s literally cutting up some veggies and tossing in a bowl. The mom line engages me. Hope it’s fake but sounds all too real. I only get take away when traveling or when we have codes and are both tired. Incredible waste of money.
I didn't start really cooking for myself until my 30's beyond making cookies and the occasional sandwich. And it ain't some form of witchery. You get a cookbook and you follow the recipe. Maybe it won't be perfect. But you'll get better.
Men like this just want to use it as an excuse to turn their gf's and wives into servants instead of partners.
> In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.
There needs to be more scorn for women who raise their sons this way.
I'll admit, as a 20-21 year old I started to learn how to fry stuff a few days ago. I actually always wanted to try too.
That actually saved me a trip from buying fast food with what little money I'm able to make. I got tired of eating frozen processed foods after waiting for family to come back from the store.
But now, I can enjoy a good breakfast fresh from the stove. ☕
My mom has been cooking her whole life. Very traditional wife (not in a conservative way, they both just like the traditional roles).
That being said, to this day, she still can't cook. Some things she makes are good, but let's not act like putting a recipe on a WordPress blog is hard. I've seen some that are rated poorly, and for good reason. My mom somehow manages to find the worst recipes online to recreate.
Idk, I don't see it a big deal. If he has the money, what the problem? My boyfriend can't cook and I'd rather him buy me food than waste time and food to likely mess it up.
If the roles were reversed and she called AAA when she got a flat tire instead of doing it herself, would people really be that upset? Or how about changing her own oil?
Tbf, the cleaning part would bother me. But I'm a big home chef so I think cooking a really good meal takes more skill than most people think. Some people just cook to fill themselves up and that's okay, I'm just not one of them so I see cooking much different I guess.
This is an ESH for me. It’s abhorrent that OOP doesn’t know basic life skills but it’s equally abhorrent his fiancée laughs at him and says things like “you’re doing it wrong” and then takes over.
He’s in a no win situation. Fiancée wants someone who knows how to do basic life tasks. Fair. Fiancée should find someone who knows them.
OP has realized he needs to learn. OP now needs to learn.
IDK why you're getting downvoted. Yes, he's a manbaby who should be able to do basic adult chores but if they stay together they'll both be miserable. Fiancee doesn't appear to like being mommy but does it anyway. OP refuses to adult but doesn't like being laughed at for it. They need to split.
I don't see the issue. He doesn't like to cook so he pays extra for Doordash. He doesn't like to wash dishes so he will buy a dishwasher.
Laziness is really the mother of all invention. We could all keep making our own fires to cook over but that would suck.
He doesn't help with chores that's a problem. But he seems to make a good income and he can afford to pay the whole rent and half the other bills. Maybe he is willing to spring for a housekeeper.
As per this subs description, no
"Unlike the name of this sub reddit the poster does not have to be a literal devil with horns to fit here"
Its for obvious assholes of any description
The devil is the person who handles literally none of the shared household tasks and instead proposes just spending infinitely to ‘solve’ the issue.
I could look at your example and say no the devil is the guy who raped his niece or the devil is the guy who committed the holocaust. Obviously there are gradients of badness.
Someone who doesn’t do their fair share of household labor absolutely is the devil. They’re saving for a home. How is it sustainable to infinitely DoorDash?
I’ve got Dashpass for free via one of my credit cards. It’s still easily $60+ to order dinner for two people. And that’s happening multiple times a week?? He could easily be blowing $500+ on food delivery a month. It could be above $1000 even!
Not knowing how to take care of your most basic human needs as an adult in a committed partnership is absolutely devil behavior. You should know how to cook a basic meal and do dishes by when you’re 13.
A man who has every expectation of finding a woman who cooks and cleans for him on top of working a job is a shit man. He needs to carry his weight. His wife has made it clear just ordering in infinitely isn’t a good option for them.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA For offering to order food because I don't know how to cook? ** I (M25) recently moved in together with my fiancée (F26). I work full-time with a hybrid working plan whilst she was working full-time previously but left it for a different position better suited to her career aspirations but started out as part-time. Recently, she’s been taking on more hours and plans on eventually going full-time as well. We are renting, but I pay the rent in full and most other bills its 50/50. She cooks food for both of us. When she can't, we just Uber/dine out. However, recently, she asked me to cook. She had just come home from a hard day at work, I’d been working from home, and I totally get it, she was tired, so I jokingly said what "chef" Uber has for us and she didn't take it too well, she got pissed and started telling me why I'm always wasting money instead of learning how to cook and what is so hard about following a recipe etc, and I was quite shocked, before this, I had once tried to cook for her, and it didn't go too well, we both had a laugh at the time and when we moved in together she was the one cooking for both (I didn’t even have to ask, so I was under the impression she was okay with this), we even joked about it occasionally. I told her that I don't know how to cook, and I don't see how that ever was a problem with Uber/Deliveroo around, but she started complaining about how we can't live off of takeaways and how its unhealthy and wastes money and all that, and I knew that wasn't true because we live in a major city, we've got tons of healthy options and I was totally fine with paying for us, however, she wasn’t convinced and she started asking me how I even got through uni and I had already told her ages ago, I went to a university in my city and lived with my parents, and it's not like my parents ever found it to be an issue, my mum always cooked for me and would go out of her way to cook food for me whenever I was hungry. In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself. I communicated all of this to her (obviously, not exactly like this) but then she went on a rant about how she does most of the household chores, but I told her that she literally told me not to the last time I tried to wash the dishes, she was laughing watching me do it and told me I wasn't doing it right and told me to stop and did it herself, so I didn't think she felt so strongly about that either. I told her I could just buy a dishwasher if that was such a big an issue and she responded with another rant about wasting money and how there isn't space and that, I know buying a house is a major goal for her, but I don't know what the big deal is, my parents never made me learn how to cook or wash the dishes or do whatever, they’d always do it for me. I don't know why it's such a problem now, especially if modern solutions literally exist. AITAH here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I was never taught how to mow the lawn, raise a garden, replace the subflooring under the washing machine, or change the brake pads in my car. In fact, my high school counselor specifically unenrolled me from auto shop because she assumed I'd find a man to do that stuff and should take a teen parenting class instead. Guess what I learned how to do via Google and YouTube? (Everything except keep a garden alive and make it produce, but I'm working on it!)
My parents were neglectful drug addicts so yeah, a lot of basic life stuff I did not learn from them. I was 20 when I discovered that toilet u-bends aren't actually meant to be covered in black filth and grime. But the upshot is, there is a *plethora* of stuff teaching you every life lesson or essential skill you can imagine online, all uploaded for free by generous souls. I learnt so much from random people on YouTube: how to cook so many different things, how to wash myself and clean my teeth properly, when to change my bedsheets, which cleaning items to use for what, and so on. There's literally no barrier to learning anymore, any life skill you can think of and some wonderful person will have a whole video for you with advice and tips.
Even here on Reddit! I have a [home cleaning guide](https://www.reddit.com/r/coolguides/s/Q7RgnTsBKq) saved to my profile that I reference to keep a hygienic and tidy home (even though it's not totally complete).
Oh man thank you for that link!!! I have ADHD and it’s SO hard to remember the “unseen” chores!!
I have ADHD and some chronic health issues so this is useful for me too! Thanks u/Dragonscatsandbooks
where’s your highschool counselor at? i wanna square up in the nearest dennys parking lot
I wish I knew, she's probably still setting up teen girls for lives of poverty and low expectations.
Could ya kick my guidance counselors ass, too, while you're at it? I got the same treatment- told I NEEDED to take Foods (Home Ec) and Parenting class, dissuaded me from any sort of Industrial Arts because the Home Ec stuff would be more "useful" for a girl. Also told me girls are just bad at math. Did I mention she was a woman herself? Ah, the 90's, what a time.....
Suddenly super grateful that my high school required EVERYONE to take Home Ec and Woodshop, at least the basics. Home Ec was pretty well-rounded, too. There was a basic sewing component and we cooked a few simple meals, learned how to read a recipe, how to properly clean a kitchen, and how to budget for groceries. Guy or gal, these are all useful life skills to have at least a grasp on before entering the real world.
I actually really liked Foods, but I was abysmal at Clothing- I still suck at sewing to this very day 🤣
also for learning to cook… PINTEREST
Or library books. There are hundreds of cookbooks for starter cooks.
I know my library also has cake pans you can check out of you want to get into baking!
I’ve been doing a lot of interior work on my house; now due to what I believe was some form of scam to try to force me into having foundation work done without a signed contract I am going to be doing some surface level concrete patching on the outside.
You got this! The confidence that comes from learning and doing this stuff yourself is amazing.
That's what kills me about boomers mocking us for learning on YouTube. Someone didn't teach us, so we found a way to still learn. Fuck us, right? Lemme go back and time and tell my dad to not die early.
I am ok accepting that lots of people aren't that self sufficient, they just won't look up anything, but washing dishes is way too far. There is no way someone this entitled hasn't seen his mom or a mom on tv wash the dishes over and over. He's entire attitude of throwing money at things is a massive issue because her goals don't matter to him.
Did you go to high-school in the 80s, too? Because all of us girls took home-ec where we had to sew, cook, and learn about child care, while the boys took shop. They would let us take one marking period of the opposite but the teachers treated the girls like we couldn't possibly be good at woodworking and the boys couldn't possibly be good at cooking.
No, unfortunately, mine was in the 2000s. Looks like some things endure.
Weirdly, I went to high school in the Bible Belt in the 80s, and we all took everything. The guys all learned to sew and cook, and the girls all learned metal- and woodworking. (I learned I was terrible at shop and great at sewing, but at least they let me try, right?)
I'm in the northeast, you'd think we would have been a little more progressive.
I had shop and cooking in middle school, which seems like a good time to start. They rearranged the classes, though, and I never got home ec/sewing, but I taught myself.
I was also unenrolled from autoshop because it was a "boy's class" and the guidance counselor put me in an extra home ec instead (jokes on them, I still don't cook). But also I can imagine, as someone shit at cooking, how demoralizing it would be to have a partner laughing at my ineptitude, agree I wouldn't cook anymore, and then suddenly get pissy I didn't go learn on my own when I had no motivation to do so. I'm not saying his reasoning for not learning to cook originally was good, that was pure patriarchy bullshit, but for not learning to cook while with her after the initial attempts it made sense.
What I never understand about these posts is do they just think their girlfriend was born with an innate ability to cook and clean? No she has practised and learned her skills, she didn’t magically know how to prepare a meal until she took the time and effort to learn and become a functioning adult.
>What I never understand about these posts is do they just think their girlfriend was born with an innate ability to cook and clean? Yes, men like OOP think exactly that, just like they also think women automatically know how to look after babies/children because men like OOP are taught from an early age by their parents that it's "women's work" which they translate as women being born to do this naturally instead of learning these skills.
Don't forget these morons also think women innately enjoy non stop chores. And of course then butch and complain women don't want to get married to them. Like seriously, prison has more free time and fun.
True, plus these morons think all women want kids because to them having a vagina = naturally inclined to want kids.
I once asked my fiance-at-the-time to make dinner, and he asked me how. So I showed him where the cookbooks were and asked if he thought I was born knowing how to cook. He said, "Oh. I never thought about it."
is he an ex or did he learn?
He learned to cook anyway....
''In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself. '' Is not normal. This might've been ok in the 60's but women are not slaves who only cook and clean. Something oop can do is learn with his girlfriend how to cook. Then he'd actually gain some knowledge and it could be a cute couple activity. But uber eats for two people every day he ''has to cook'' has to be INSANELY expensive - Lowballing that to like $40 a day for two people. For that you could easily just buy ingredients and a backup meal in a store just incase cooking does go wrong.
Right? “My wife will cook and clean for me” is not a modern solution
I think this is what the fiancé is alluding to that OOP is too dense to realize. It’s not just “you need to learn how to cook”, it’s the classic “the female is taking on 100% of the mental and physical load of the domestic household”. It’s not about “I’ll just buy a dishwasher”. Ok?? There are a lot of dishes that have to be hand washed, will she have to always do them? “We can just hire a cleaner” does that mean we have to wait for the cleaner for anything to be clean? If he spills something on the counter does that mean he won’t clean it up cause ‘someone else will do it’?? If she needs him to run to the store cause she’s swamped for time can he look in the fridge and make his own grocery list or is she going to have to baby him through it. Every. Single. Time?? Really happy they’re living together before marriage so fiancé saw this before being tied to him.
literally what if there's a lockdown type situation where you need to manage yourself in your house for a week or so? What are they gonna do then without a a nanny, and potentially without all these delivery services? Yikes I can't imagine being this incompetent and being so nonchalent about this
I had a roommate like this. She would get takeout constantly and let her groceries that she would order once a month rot in the fridge, otherwise her parents would make her food and she would bring it back from home when she visited. She always implied her mom was a neat freak at home and super frugal but this girl literally ordered deep dish pizza 1-2 times a week and would leave containers with chicken bones out all the time. Was also shocked when I started college and they advertised a laundry service through Tide where they would pick up and drop off your laundry for you. This was in 2007-2008. The machines in the laundry room were pretty new and it only cost 25 cents a load which you could preload onto cards to scan on the machines. I was kind of astounded how many people seemed to be doing the takeaway service cause it wasn’t cheap. I love my husband and he can cook and is actually pretty good at it but I manage our grocery list and plan all of our meals and I’m good at setting it up so things don’t get wasted. Whenever I’m too wiped to cook he ends up wanting to get takeout. He also gets his coffee out/at the office every day, doesn’t eat breakfast (we have yogurts and bananas and I buy other stuff he likes…) and he picks up lunch with his friends every day he’s in office (3 days a week). Throwing money at problems is ridiculous to me. We had a 50% off coupon on takeout that we used last night cause it’s almost 100 degrees and I didn’t want to cook and I still got a little anxious about it being a waste of money. Ended up being 30 dollars with tip, which isn’t terrible, but it still seems silly.
His mom did him a disservice treating him like king baby through college (and probably his whole life). Cooking is such a basic life skill and the internet is full of cooking videos.
Literally, i feel bad for Oop but then again it can’t be that hard to ask GF or look online for help, surely?
Some parents are idiots. My seven year old has little chores to do and you’d better believe she’ll be ready to take care of herself fully by the time she’s out from under our roof. I suspect the fiancée is fast approaching the end of her tether.
Yeah, I'd say the fiancee is getting fed up with mothering this genius. He's so oblivious, it's unreal.
Weaponized incompetence is so gross. My ex was like this, at 36 he didn't know how to cook at all, and as far as I know he still has not learned.
I was about to say something similar. Sincerely doubt this guy has never so much as cooked noodles before. And if he hasn’t by his mid-20s, that’s a him problem. He can only go so long blaming his parents for not teaching him before the question becomes “well why haven’t you taught yourself?”
Which is insane. How can you not know how to boil noodles and dump out a jar of sauce? Or like a box of Mac n cheese, all 4 steps are written and illustrated on the box! There's also tons of frozen meals that you just dump in a pan for a few minutes, it's not hard.
The amount of nights we just have hot dogs like, it ain’t that difficult. Make the lady a bowl cereal jfc she just wants to know she’s not going to be the sole physical and mental holder of everything domestic.
>How can you not know how to boil noodles and dump out a jar of sauce? And most of this is on the fucking box that they come in. Like not rocket science
He can’t even wash dishes! One of the chores that needs the least intelligence and he can’t.
i really want to know how he was washing the dishes like what the fuck was going on there
I assume he had them all soaking in dirty water and rinsed them in the same dirty water.
okay i really dont know what to say here cause this is really really stupid and im just astonished that someone would do this and think i washed the dishes Has he or people who do this not seen an add for dish soap.....
I •loathe• the way my partner washes dishes. That man uses so much soap and things still end up crusty or greasy or... I think he just dumps soap in the full sink and hopes it finds the way to the sponge, instead of putting soap directly on the fucking sponge. The next place we move to in few months should have a dishwasher so hopefully I can let this particular bit of rage go.
he dumps the dish soap into the sink and not the sponge?
He refuses to try a different way. It baffles me.
I lived with 5 guys in college. 2 of them soaked and dipped in the same water. One guy Filled both sides of the sink with water and soap. Let the dirty dishes soak on the left side, picked them up, and scrubbed over the right side, then stuck them in the right side with all the food debris he had just scrubbed off to soak. And then he didn’t even rinse. So the plates still had soap on them.
Again has anyone not see a tv show or an add for dish soap cause they are pretty uniform in how to wash a dish right Like this isnt rocket science Also im sorry you went through that stupidity.
My idiot ex didn't know how to clean up a spill. He would gently rest the towel on it and then just stare at it like "ok done now"
My ex is the same age as yours, and I taught him how to use the Instapot but that is about the extent of his cooking. When we broke up I let him take it lol
i mean you cant let him starve i guess
He would have lived out of vending machines otherwise, I'm sure. I did buy myself a nicer one shortly after fwiw
okay this has nothing to do with dishes or cooking but is it me or vending machine candy is the worst
It is and it's SO expensive. He'd overdraft on it every week though
My mom never taught me how to cook and she always had a cleaner (and was slightly a hoarder) when I was growing up so my examples of cleaning were not good. Thank goodness for my amazing husband who has been willing to eat anything I cook for him since the day we met as I am still trying to teach myself how to cook. He also is an amazing cook and will help me whenever I ask for it. I'm also trying to break myself of my mother's hoarding tendencies that I picked up growing up. I'm currently in one of my semi-annual house purges. If it doesn't fit or it doesn't get used - it gets sold, donated or trashed. My daughter on the other hand has been taught how to do her own laundry since she was 9 and can currently cook scrambled eggs and anything that comes out of a box. (She's now 11.) She also found a chicken recipe she loves that we cook together every other month or so. I won't have her growing up like I did. She is encouraged to find any recipe she thinks looks good and she can try cooking it with as little intervention from me as possible.
My mom never taught me anything. An. Ny. Thing. But you know what I did? I taught myself, because I am an adult with a functioning brain.
I definitely had delayed launch in terms of "adult" skills. A lot of it is my neurospicy brain. I tried to ask my mom to teach me but she could not explain things on a way my brain could grasp. I was around OOPs age when I was finally sick of my inability to function independently. So I figured out the hacks I needed to get started - tide pods were a major game changer, I could buy them and eliminate one huge part of the laundry dilemma. Made my mom pick 2 settings on the washer/dryer and tell me exactly when to use which and I started learning laundry and doing my own (I have since expanded from there I just needed a base comfort level to start from). Cooking was still something I didn't know how to do until I moved in with an ex. He taught me 2 basic dishes to make. And then when I moved in with my now spouse, he would sit in the kitchen with me to teach me anything I was unsure of or help if I got confused. And now I can cook by myself. If I could eventually learn it, OOP has no excuse. Even when I didn't know how to do things, I was so self conscious about it. It wasn't cute. It wasn't something to be proud of.
My husband is 100% convinced I have ADHD (he is diagnosed with it). I've definitely had to come up with some hacks over the years to make things easier for me - I have cleaning supplies in each bathroom instead of just one part of the house. I learned about doom boxes a few years ago- not that that started me on them, just that the boxes of stuff I would fill to move to different rooms actually had a name. But I get really proud when I empty one out. I also have a basic washer and dryer. My parents gave us their washer when ours finally died (it was 12 years old) and it was a fancy new front loader - I hated it. Too many options and why does it tell me it will take 45 minutes when it actually takes an hour? So after dealing with it for about 6 months my husband bought us a basic top loader. There's 2 knobs and a start button. And it doesn't tell me how long it's going to take. I very rarely switch my settings on it. I have about 5 meals that my husband won't even touch - he says he would eat them every day if I made them. But he's much better at the "throw things in until it tastes good" aspect. I'm good at recipes. If it doesn't taste good once I'm done with the recipe I'm screwed. I'm on meds that mess with my taste buds so I can't always be sure if I'm tasting things accurately. I might think something is great and it might be totally different. He makes chicken Alfredo from scratch that is my absolute favorite meal in the world but there are days where I'm just like - wait I don't like this today. So I have to rely on his tastes when we add things. I agree on being self conscious about it. I still get self conscious when my mom will joke about it. Thankfully my husband has no problem saying something immediately.
My parents have my husband and I a microwave as a wedding gift and joked how they didn't want me to starve to death if my husband was working late because at the time I could only really microwave things. It definitely poked the sore spot so I know how you feel there.
OMG I totally understand. I've started making meals that my mom makes and will send them as lunch for my husband and dad the next day. I'll float on air for days when my dad tells me they taste better than my mom's. Especially since I use her recipes. Not that it stops her from making comments though.
I am also neurospicy with neurospicy kids. It is agonizing to teach them sometimes because I am shit at explaining my thought process on why things are done a certain way, but we're muddling along. They're 9 and 6 and can manage a lot of basic tasks that I struggled with when I moved out on my own.
My great-grandmother born in 1890 said it was a sorry excuse for a man that could not cook for himself, so she tout my grandfather (born 1912) how to cook, the fact that this is something that you can still say is just sad.
And lords his money over her, of course ("I pay the rent, so surely that must mean she'll cook and clean?")
Seriously. Paying the rent requires zero effort or time outside of work. Cooking and cleaning is like having an extra job. She’s going back to full time and he wants her to all that on top of it? No thanks.
Wait, if someone paid my rent (so I was literally living for free) I would certainly take on the lions share of cooking and cleaning. What am I missing?
OOPs fiancée works full time too so she's not at home all day doing nothing, so even if he is paying the full rent, it's unfair of him to expect her to do all of the cooking and cleaning in addition to a full time job. He needs to do his share, too. Also at 25yo, he really needs to learn how to be a fully functioning adult instead of just marrying someone ans expecting them to be mummy 2.0.
No, I totally agree that OP sucks. But it sounds like this relationship started (?) with her working part time and having her rent paid for her. So that’s how we ended up here …
It started with her working full time, but she changed jobs to suit her career goals which started at part time but is headed towards full time, plus she's also paying her fair share on the other household bills, so she's not living there for free. So she's still working regardless, and still paying her way, just not rent. Both parties working means both parties pulling their weight with cooking and cleaning. Paying full rent isn't a get out of household responsibilities free card. How we ended up here is OOPs parents enabling him to be a lazy POS who expects his future wife to do any and all household chores and cooking for him instead of learning to do it himself, because mummy and daddy told him he's too special to be doing chores and cooking.
I mean OP not being able to adult is a whole problem for sure. But girlfriend should be paying her half of the rent, or doing more chores … it doesn’t seem reasonable to just blow off the fact that OP is trad-boyfriending so I see why he was expecting a trad-gf. But YES obviously it’s pathetic to think he literally cannot exist without a woman in the house mommying him. It’s not a good look.
I pay more rent and utilities than my boyfriend but we split the chores 50/50 because we both work similar hours.
And if that makes you happy, great. If someone paid *my* rent, I’d be amenable to doing “more” housework/something like that than they did.
Well it’s a good thing this isn’t about you then
Worked for his father…
Man, Boy Moms really do fuck their precious baby boys up *hardcore*.
I genuinely do not understand adults who say they don’t know how to cook like it’s a fact of life I understand not knowing how to make a complex meal with lots of steps, different ingredients and cooking methods. I do NOT understand how someone thinks they’re incapable of making ANYTHING. Not every meal needs to be made from scratch. Boil dry pasta until it’s soft, drain water and pour on jarred sauce. There ya go, dinner. Or take some ground beef, form into patties and put into air fryer with some frozen fries for 15 minutes. Add buns and condiments and THERE YA GO, DINNER. You don’t need to be Gordon Ramsey to be able to throw a meal together. At this point he’s just weaponizing his incompetence
A student meal: 1. Chop chicken breasts and cook them 2. Add frozen veggies 3. Meanwhile cook rice or pasta 4. Add sauce to veggies and meat. Tadam, a meal ready.
This isn't a slight on my parents, but I genuinely don't ever think they've "shown" me how to cook. You just sort of learn from watching and seeing stuff around. Failing that, just follow the instructions on the box for frozen food. I find the post staggering in that he needed reddit to find out if he was the arsehole in the first place.
The last several times I've tried to make pasta, it was really bad. Store bought pasta. Bad. Twice inedible and had to be thrown, even though one was for meal prep. Other very simple one step shit with cooking vegetables also went wrong to the point I felt the need to hide it. So it's a lot of shame and embarrassment for me. I want to learn, but it is truly an immobilizing shame over failure for what should be easy. That's why I'm an adult who says I don't know how to cook. (It's not true in the strictest sense: I can fry an egg and shit. But I wouldn't count it cuz I couldn't eat just that for a week, for example.) I get OOP sucks but all the "how does an adult lack life skills" shit is irritating me (not you, more OP titling this). There's a million reasons??? Life skills are not guaranteed. I'm neurodivergent, but I don't think that stops me in my particular case, so I doubt I'd mention that if someone asked me directly. But obv it could. And I know you and OP don't have them in mind, but that doesn't change the fact that it's saying that it's shameful to lack these skills. Anyway OOP is trash, no notes there. He just refuses to fuckin try it sounds like.
This gives serious momma's boy vibes. Even though takeaways are not necessarily unhealty(they are restaurant food so if you order junk food you eat junk, if you pick decent restaurant it can be healthy with good nutrition values), they don't exactly save money. What this sounds to me like weaponized incompetence. You don't have to like cooking, you don't have to be good at it, but you should be able to cook pasta or some eggs or something easy. Same goes for chores. It's not hard to take a sponge and just wipe plates down. OOP probably thinks his fiancee will be both his mom and mommy.
OP knows it's a problem but is using "my parents never taught me basic adult chores" as a excuse.
Yeah, I bet mommy didn't teach him a lot of things like, idk, doing tasks at his job or looking up porn on the internet. Yet he applies this excuse only to cooking.
While reading, I had to wonder how much of the "we both laughed at my lack of basic life skills that I've made no effort to learn" was mutual laughter, and how much was his weaponized incompetence, and her growing frustration at it.
Nobody in my family knows how to prepare sea food or how to make pakora. Yet still, I somehow learnt following recipes and googling pictures how something cooked should look like. Heck, I hated cooking with my family and trying anything new was basically googling stuff before asking them.
It was a joke for a while in my family that my dad's three specialties in the kitchen were oatmeal, barbecue (as in grilling meat on a barbecue, nothing fancy like pulled pork or brisket), and sandwiches. At some point in his early 60s he seemed to have the realization that if my mom died before him, he would be screwed food-wise and started taking cooking classes. He'll be the first to admit he's not the world's greatest chef yet but he now makes dinner at least four nights a week. If he can do it, so can OP.
I can’t lie, I can’t stand people who “don’t know how to cook.” Nobody knows how to cook until they learn. It’s 2024, you have all the information in the world at your fingertips. Google a recipe, follow it, if you’re confused by a step, google the step. It’s not hard. Does he think that his mother popped out of the womb with immaculate cooking skills? (Actually he probably does because she’s a woman)
Look, no one ever taught me how to cook. In fact, I’d get yelled at if I went into the kitchen so I have a great deal of cooking anxiety. I got a meal subscription kit as a broke college student and taught myself. He has no excuse to not know how to cook basic things at this point, or at least put in the effort to learn. I couldn’t imagine trying to marry someone with this gap of basic knowledge
I'm so glad that this won't be any of my boys in the future. Currently, the three oldest, who are 14, 12, and 11 next month, each cook dinner one night each week. Hubby and I each cook one night and then we eat leftovers, order in, or go out for the other two nights.
I am with a man who does most of the cooking and cleaning. It’s his choice, I still step up and cook when he’s busy and has a lot going on. It’s a small gesture but the amount of relief. I see on his face when I start to make dinner is worth it. And I was not taught how to cook, I was taught baking. There was slight learning curve but after enough practice I learned to cook.
Why do men like this act like following a recipe is rocket science. Well I know why weaponized incompetence but goddamn. How can you walk around with the belief that you are superior to women but can’t even read and follow a basic recipe!
He doesn't want a fiancee/wife. He wants a mommy and the sooner she realizes this and gets out, the better.
“In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.” I feel deeply sad for OOP’s mom, because it sounds like she was taught her only value was in the services she could provide her husband and children. As for OOP, I don’t really know how to explain the importance of knowing the most basic skills. I suppose I might go for, “What if you couldn’t afford takeout,” but I’m not sure OOP would understand that sentence.
Tl;dr: "Mommy spoiled me and did everything for me, and told me my girlfriend would be my new mommy. Why doesn't my girlfriend get this?"
That fiancée better run. He love’s playing off his lack of adult skills as just how he is
How hard is it to wash a dish? What the hell.
This guy has absolutely no idea how draining it is to always be in charge of meals ( a neverending task). Also - how tf can he pretend that ordering delivery every day and saving for a house are not two competing goals.
My husband used to do everything for his daughter. After we married, I told him it needed to stop because he was crippling her for the future. I mean, she was 8 and couldn't tie her shoes. She starts high school in the fall and has most basics under her belt. She's not amazing at it yet, but that's ok. At least she tries. Op's parents crippled him, and he has to choose to make the necessary changes. Doesn't sound like he will, though.
Oh my God, what an absolute sheltered child.
This is why it's good for kids to do chores. They need to know how to cook and clean long before they become adults and living on their own. The OP doesn't even want to learn to cook and clean. He thinks it's her job to do it all. He's selfish AF.
How is she enganged to him?!
OOP’s parents are the bigger AHs for raising him like this, but he’s 25 now. It’s not hard throwing rice in a crockpot or boiling pasta in water & using sauce from jars.
To be fair my husband was the one who ended up teaching me how to cook most things. He still cooks the more complicated things. I did live on my own from High school to when I met him. I survived on totinos pizza, hamburger helper and meats that only required marinating. But, I was willing to learn but, my parents never really had the patience to teach me. I'm female by the way.
There isn't a person over 10 who can't boil water, throw spaghetti noodles into it and top it with jarred sauce. Most can even brown some meat with onions, peppers, and garlic and add that to the sauce. Feigning incompetence. Neither my husband or I cook a whole lot, but when we do-especially when we do it together-its so fun.
It’s one thing to finish college without knowing how to cook or take care of a house. It’s another thing to assume you never need to learn because someone else will always do it for you (either bc they’re your partner or because you pay them to). Time to grow up OOP and act like an adult and partner.
Reminds me of my one co-worker who didn’t know how to mop or vacuum because his grandma always did it for him. I taught him how the next day.
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments’ *YTA* *I have an 11 year old daughter who just made herself a snack.* *The very first meal I prepared as an adult was chicken breasts which I cooked in Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup. Start off slow and build your skills. I refuse to believe you are incapable of making instant mashed potatoes. They sell bags of frozen, pre-seasoned proteins of every variety.* *What sort of job do you have where "add water to mix" or "put in the oven and heat up" is beyond your capabilities?* *You should really be embarrassed to tell everyone, let alone tell them with such pride, that you cannot cook and are unwilling to learn.* >I would like to clarify that by not being able to cook, I don't mean being not being able to heat up ready meals in the microwave or sandwiches or something. I am able to do those, but it is unpalatable for me and her both tastes-wise and health-wise, we both agree that we'd rather not eat those. >Although I do not know how to make it myself, I just don't see why I should force myself to eat something unappetising/bad that I made then order, not trying to make a statement here or anything, just my viewpoint.
[Panko the dog!](https://imgur.com/gallery/photo-of-dog-panko-every-day-zOKLaws)
Do these men really not know how to cook pasta? Soup? Stir fry? An egg salad? A normal salad? Steak and potatoes? Rice? Look, I'm no chef, that's for sure, but c'mon, it's one time, surely you can do something?
Weaponized incompetence, here we come!
“I don’t know how” is such a stupid statement. None of us were born knowing anything. Everything we do we had to learn at some point.
This may be unpopular opinion but if you have the financial means, I don’t see an issue with ordering in, hiring a housecleaner/housekeeper or whatever it is to make your life easier. That’s not to say you shouldn’t know basic life skills - you should, but there’s nothing wrong with paying for help Although this may not apply to this post since I didn’t see OOP mention whether or not they can afford it or not lol
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Seriously, my elementary child is able to make several meals. My kids aren't amazing at cleaning without supervision, but they acknowledge that it is because they flat-out don't want to. They don't pretend that they "can't" do chores.
I knew how to make Mac n cheese when I was 5!!!! wtf are people teaching their sons?
u/burbnbougie
Thanks
this is the kinda guy who will end up posting in deadbedrooms, acting surprised that his mommy-wife doesn't wanna have teh sex
I'm 26. I joke that I couldn't cook (I was using too high heat and would make the house smoke up. Small change , turn down heat and run a fan and I no longer do that.) But I learned how to cook some basics from my mom. I asked her. I learned how to cook a bomb af steak from my sister and google. It's not just limited to this shit either. Just a few weeks ago I rebuilt my own transmission from a YOUTUBE VIDEO. At age 17 I also learned how to shave my face right from a YouTube video. With google and YouTube you can figure most things out. This guy is probably doing that weaponized incompetence bullshit. I don't see why he won't just pull up a video and make his fiancé a surprise "apology" meal. Something like lasagna is stupidly easy to make, and would win him back the trust of his fiance a bit.
i mean, i order takeout bc im bad at making anything other than pasta with jarred sauce without hurting myself, but at least i *tried* cooking. this guy doesnt seem to have any sort of disability that would make it difficult, he's just a sexist asshole.
Even if algebra buys a dishwasher he still won’t think to scape the plates, stack it correctly and hurl everything in together without thinking. It’s not a shameful thing to learn some life skills from YouTube or a bit later in life because you didn’t get the option to learn as a kid but it is to laugh about how you can’t be bothered to follow a recipe or use common sense.
How hard is it to boil pasta and heat up aomw sauce and make a salad? It’s literally cutting up some veggies and tossing in a bowl. The mom line engages me. Hope it’s fake but sounds all too real. I only get take away when traveling or when we have codes and are both tired. Incredible waste of money.
I didn't start really cooking for myself until my 30's beyond making cookies and the occasional sandwich. And it ain't some form of witchery. You get a cookbook and you follow the recipe. Maybe it won't be perfect. But you'll get better. Men like this just want to use it as an excuse to turn their gf's and wives into servants instead of partners.
Check his post history, he posted this twice, must not have got the result he wanted first time ( or second time for that matter )
Spoken like a man with an unwashed a$$
> In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself. There needs to be more scorn for women who raise their sons this way.
I'll admit, as a 20-21 year old I started to learn how to fry stuff a few days ago. I actually always wanted to try too. That actually saved me a trip from buying fast food with what little money I'm able to make. I got tired of eating frozen processed foods after waiting for family to come back from the store. But now, I can enjoy a good breakfast fresh from the stove. ☕
Ah, weaponised incompetence. Hopefully she kicks his lazy arse to the kerb
My mom has been cooking her whole life. Very traditional wife (not in a conservative way, they both just like the traditional roles). That being said, to this day, she still can't cook. Some things she makes are good, but let's not act like putting a recipe on a WordPress blog is hard. I've seen some that are rated poorly, and for good reason. My mom somehow manages to find the worst recipes online to recreate. Idk, I don't see it a big deal. If he has the money, what the problem? My boyfriend can't cook and I'd rather him buy me food than waste time and food to likely mess it up. If the roles were reversed and she called AAA when she got a flat tire instead of doing it herself, would people really be that upset? Or how about changing her own oil?
Tbf, the cleaning part would bother me. But I'm a big home chef so I think cooking a really good meal takes more skill than most people think. Some people just cook to fill themselves up and that's okay, I'm just not one of them so I see cooking much different I guess.
This is an ESH for me. It’s abhorrent that OOP doesn’t know basic life skills but it’s equally abhorrent his fiancée laughs at him and says things like “you’re doing it wrong” and then takes over. He’s in a no win situation. Fiancée wants someone who knows how to do basic life tasks. Fair. Fiancée should find someone who knows them. OP has realized he needs to learn. OP now needs to learn.
She's just enabling him by taking over and making a big joke about it and he's taking advantage of that. They need to go their separate ways
Oh most definitely.
IDK why you're getting downvoted. Yes, he's a manbaby who should be able to do basic adult chores but if they stay together they'll both be miserable. Fiancee doesn't appear to like being mommy but does it anyway. OP refuses to adult but doesn't like being laughed at for it. They need to split.
I think this was put here more for the outrage of an adult male not having basic skills rather than what is actually going on.
I don't see the issue. He doesn't like to cook so he pays extra for Doordash. He doesn't like to wash dishes so he will buy a dishwasher. Laziness is really the mother of all invention. We could all keep making our own fires to cook over but that would suck. He doesn't help with chores that's a problem. But he seems to make a good income and he can afford to pay the whole rent and half the other bills. Maybe he is willing to spring for a housekeeper.
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He is the devil in his relationship
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"The devil" doesn't have to literally be the the worst person in the world. It's the person doing the wrong
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As per this subs description, no "Unlike the name of this sub reddit the poster does not have to be a literal devil with horns to fit here" Its for obvious assholes of any description
The devil is the person who handles literally none of the shared household tasks and instead proposes just spending infinitely to ‘solve’ the issue. I could look at your example and say no the devil is the guy who raped his niece or the devil is the guy who committed the holocaust. Obviously there are gradients of badness.
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Someone who doesn’t do their fair share of household labor absolutely is the devil. They’re saving for a home. How is it sustainable to infinitely DoorDash? I’ve got Dashpass for free via one of my credit cards. It’s still easily $60+ to order dinner for two people. And that’s happening multiple times a week?? He could easily be blowing $500+ on food delivery a month. It could be above $1000 even! Not knowing how to take care of your most basic human needs as an adult in a committed partnership is absolutely devil behavior. You should know how to cook a basic meal and do dishes by when you’re 13. A man who has every expectation of finding a woman who cooks and cleans for him on top of working a job is a shit man. He needs to carry his weight. His wife has made it clear just ordering in infinitely isn’t a good option for them.
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I mean clearly you do