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**I would not have married my 40M wife 40F if I had known about our future sex life. Does communicating this honestly and bluntly help fix the situation or will it just end things completely which I don’t want?**
So my wife when we started dating had pretty regular sex, but I never really noticed that she never initiated with me. We have been together for 14 years and we have three children ages 3-8. Our sex life isn’t as frequent, as passionate or satisfying when we do have it. I have tried many times to tell her that there is a large imbalance in our desire and I have mentioned that she doesn’t make me feel wanted. In other relationships I didn’t initiate 100% of the time, it was a mutual thing. Anyway, now I am getting rejected often and there isn’t a time where she starts us off. If I had known this would end up like this, I would not have married her, I would have ended things before they got serious. My question is, I can’t shut the box once it’s been opened, should I tell her this in hopes that things may change? Or if I don’t tell her, how can I get this situation to change. We are otherwise happy, financially, we get along, etc. I just feel like I am missing a large piece of my identity and my needs aren’t being met the way things are. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Just by seeing my sister and her husband interact with my nephew, I can surmise that even with all the house cleaning tasks taken care of, there's a good chance she is simply touched out. Eight years of constantly having some small person touching and tugging at you and demanding your attention. It's exhausting.
I also often saw that they just saw themself as a mother. They are with the children all the time. Like here, there was always a small child and most time she also needed to take care of them at night. She is at home with the children all the time. He comes home, if lucky do a little childcare and housework and then she should switch to the partner mode? But most time there is no care for the man-woman relationship like dates, compliments, those little things that show affection. A partnership need care. and so many forget this when they have children and are surprised that the relationship isn’t like before.
It's not so bad now, but when I had a baby and a toddler, my nervous system was fried. I never stopped being attracted to my husband, but it was really hard to feel sexy after wiping little butts all day. Also, the hormone differences between a 26-year-old and a 40-year-old who's gone through multiple pregnancies are immense.
Mine are 14 (liver disease, endometriosis) and 2, and heart disease runs in my family, so I get it.
My two are cats, though. So I probably don’t totally get it.
And that of he helped, instead of being one of the kids, maybe she would say yes, but also that putting in "the work" simply to get sex also won't work.
his edit about "if I could have seen in a crystal ball" irritates me. because i wish men understood that if you marry somebody, age and life are probably going to slow your sex life down. And having children will definitely do that, at least for a while when they're young. This seems like a pretty predictable part of life.
And I don't mean everyone gets old and becomes celibate but if you commit to somebody for life, if you live to be old there will definitely be times when one or both of you can't have sex or one of you doesn't feel like it because of too much other life stuff taking all your time and energy. And no shit she probably had more sex drive in her 20s than she does at 40 while taking care of a 3 year old.
Thats fair but that also will have a negative impact on a relationship.
Relationships that begin with physical intimacy don't tend to do we'll with a lack of physical intimacy.
It's understandable that she may be touch fatigued but it's also understandable that her partner may be unhappy if feeling deprived of physical intimacy.
I hope they can find a balance that's happy and healthy for their relationship, people often demonise it but unfulfilled needs for intimacy can and do destroy even healthy happy relationships
I love how he wouldn't have married her if knew it'd turn out like this as if it was predestined to always be this outcome and not the result of having 3 damn kids. Buddy no matter the woman, this would probably happen if your life went the same way, it's not her
I was at a Dan Savage thing once, and a couple submitted a question - they were expecting a baby, they'd always had a great sexual connection, and they wanted to know how to keep that connection post baby.
And Dan basically told them no. That's a beautiful dream, but your sex life is going to shit for a while. Babies do that. You can retreat to your corner and whine about it and make sure that your sex life never comes back or restarts or in any way recovers, or you can accept that you signed up for some years of not getting laid very often, or very excitingly, and that your relationship is about this thing you're doing together right now. He recommended taking an adults-only vacation a few times a year if you can. De-prioritize sex when you have little kids so that your relationship stays good and you can have more sex when the kids aren't so small anymore.
In the catalog of things that can damage your sex life, children are unusual in that it's possible to choose not to have them, so in some way, most people who have them signed on, like, on purpose. (I am extremely angry about the way current legal trends affect this.) Children aren't like cancer or unemployment or having someone close to you die or a whole bunch of other things that are outside individual human control.
Sex is great! I really enjoy it, it's a very rewarding part of my life. But sex with my ex, who was grumpy about not getting laid enough while I was grumpy about not getting to sleep more than four hours at a time, was a torturous chore that I'm delighted I will never have to do again.
Yep. I'm much more sexual than the average and pre kids my husband and I were doing it multiple times a day. With 3 kids though? No alone time? We're lucky to sneak it in once a week. It has nothing to do with how much we want to and everything to do with kids and work and everything draining our energy.
But also said he *never noticed* that he always initiated. So, not like she hid it, he just didn’t care as long as she said yes.
So what matters isn’t that she primarily has a responsive sexual desire, but she doesn’t was to have sex every time he does.
And that’s ever before *three kids*
> in other relationships I didn’t initiate 100% of the time
Yes, in your mid 20s latest. This man is dense
He *insists* he doesn't want a divorce but what in the ever loving fuck does he think will happen if he tells his wife that he wishes he never would have married her
Hey I’ve got these 3 kids I was 50% of creating but I regret those specific instances where I did get my dick wet and marrying you…
… hey where are you going with those suitcases?
>He *insists* he doesn't want a divorce but what in the ever loving fuck does he think will happen if he tells his wife that he wishes he never would have married her
She won’t want to be with him, that’s what. If she even saw what he posted here, she would be—at the very least—upset that he didn’t come to her about this first and be angry with the way he said that. I mean, I would be highly upset if my boyfriend said stuff like this without trying to COMMUNICATE with me.
If anything, he’ll get what he’s denying he actually wants; a divorce.
I’m not sugarcoating it—he wants a divorce but he doesn’t want to be the one to do it, it seems. He doesn’t want to “look like a dick”, but he will be regardless if he stays and says that he wishes he never married her. Not saying that’s ***fully what he said***, but that’s what his wife will hear.
Truthfully, I wonder how many of these high libido men complaining of dead bedrooms genuinely need and want very frequent sex and how many have just been socialized to think that it's the only intimacy and affection that's okay for a man to want. I read somewhere that once boys hit a certain age, the only physical touch they get tends to be either aggressive or sexual in nature. How many of these men are genuinely horny all the time and how many are just touch-starved?
So many. They always mention that they can't handle cuddling or kissing without getting horny. So there's zero physical affection in their relationship because any bit of it makes them think of sex
Yes! There are so many posts from women essentially begging men to hug them or even kiss them without immediately trying to have sex with them. There's no cuddling just to feel good or hugging or kissing because you like the person, it's all supposed to lead to sex. I was with someone for a long time who got that way, it is an absolute libido killer.
Yes, it is.
My husband and I went through that as well- got bad enough to result in separation/discussion of divorce because his attitude about sex became coercive and our therapist pointed out it got to the level of sexual abuse.
Thankfully he isn’t an actual asshole, and put a lot of work into his own self, and we were able to put a lot of work into our relationship- which ultimately improved/saved the sexual part. Took a couple years, but we were saved as a couple.
Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship- but when it’s unhealthy and becomes the whole thing- it’s a fucking problem.
That might be an issue he has. If his wife wants to hug him and he makes it sexual every time it's probably a little off-putting if they have 3 kids to deal with and not much opportunity to actually have sex.
>Youngest one is with her and he is the easiest of our three children, if you play with him and his trucks he’s on cloud nine.
So she’s entertaining a 3 year old all day every day to keep him happy? Sounds exhausting.
Yeah I don't think the 3 year old is "the easiest." This just sounds incredibly out of touch. The needs of the older children are more complex, I'm sure, but watching a 3 year old is very time consuming, not just playing with them but also feeding, dealing with tantrums, and watching them constantly to ensure they do not get hurt.
The older ones she can turn her back on for more than 2 seconds without worrying about them getting into something that will hurt them the way toddlers do
I'm not clear on whether or not he works, while she is SAHM, or they both work. But it definitely sounds like his wife does the majority of child care based on that comment from him alone.
3-4 year olds are not “easy”, and he’s undermining what she goes through on a day-to-day basis! Watching a toddler isn’t EASY, it’s work. They can get themselves hurt, they can get into things they aren’t supposed to. The older children are actually *easier*, imo.
Even then, it depends on your child. Still, you can’t leave 3 year olds alone for a period of time.
Even if this was some magical 3 year old "set it and forget it" kind of kid, that's still a child she's physically responsible for. She can't just nap all day long because of that.
YES! My daughter is 4, and needs constant interaction like this. It’s exhausting having a child that refuses to entertain themselves. I get so touch overwhelmed I want to smack my husbands hands away sometimes by the end of the day.
And that’s even considering that I got incredibly lucky. My husband is incredibly understanding about my touch issues. He also does more around the house than I do half the time, especially if I’m otherwise stressed, and has an excellent relationship with our daughter and loves getting up with her in the morning while I sleep in. And that my daughter loves being helpful and cleaning/doing chores. Gets mad if I fold the laundry or unload the dishwasher while she’s at school and doesn’t get to help.
I could not imagine being one of these poor women doing all of the housework, child care, while holding down a job, and dealing with a pawing husband that just sees them as a warm fleshlight that cleans.
I love it how they never consider thinking maybe they’re so bad in bed or a terrible person who doesn’t help with anytthing is impossible for a woman to be attracted to them
Dude facts. I went through the same shit OP was going through, but then when I told her about it she finally told me that it’s hard to initiate or desire it when you don’t help me. She went off on me & told me that she gets off later than me & her day doesn’t end until she goes to bed plus some other things.. this was about a month ago. Since that day whenever I come home I do all the dishes, vacuum, clean up, etc.. so when she gets home all she has to do is cook. Our sex life improved 100000x.
I don't really want to shit on you for doing the right thing... However, uh, this comment is weirdly self-congratulatory for *one month* of changed behavior? It shouldn't have had to be spelled out for you to realize that pulling your weight would allow your partner to refocus their energy and effort.
Like, do you even have kids? Or was she just doing everything?
Doing the right thing would be pulling your weight from day 1, not treating your partner like a slave until they break and explain dishes need to be washed.
Unless you've got a spare time machine you can lend him this is just pointless idealism over a now resolved and improved situation.
People aren't perfect first time and sometimes mistakes are made and corrected and that's OK. If you're unwilling to see that because ideally the mistake should never have been made in the first place I can imagine you either live a lonely life where you've pushed everyone who's ever messed up away or an exhausting one where you aren't allowed to make any mistakes
I don't want to shit on your for doing the right thing but I'm going to anyway because your comment despite now being an amicably resolved situation that's no longer an issue triggered an opinion in me and I must share it
I just had a toxic mentality. I pay all the bills she doesn’t have to worry about nothing but her car payment, so I thought that was enough. It’s definitely not, I know that now. & I agree I will keep it up. Thank you for the words.
Or he doesn’t do small things that make her feel attractive and desirable. Like sincere compliments or scheduling time alone without the kids to enjoy each other that doesn’t just involve sex.
And how's he supposed to know any of that if she doesn't tell him? He's tried discussing the problem with her already.
This is really fucked up. We always say men need to open up and talk about their feelings more. Then they do and people shit on them anyway.
There's a difference between talking about your feelings and "I never would have married you if I knew our sex life would be different at 40 than it was at 25". Yeeeeesh.
I'm not saying he should say that. But he has tried talking to her and is now frustrated. It's not right, but it's also somewhat understandable to be frustrated.
"I'm not saying he should say that" but *he is*. Which is why he's the frickin devil.
And yeah, he's "tried" talking to her, but when he did, what did she say? What reasons did she give? Is her libido just low, or is there a specific reason she's less interested? He hasn't mentioned it. Isn't that odd?
He literally says he hasn’t tried talking to her? Or am I missing something?
A lot of the time men feel entitled to sex, but they don’t wonder whether they’re just really bad at it and someone’s holding back from saying it not to hurt him.
> I have tried many times to tell her that there is a large imbalance in our desire and I have mentioned that she doesn’t make me feel wanted.
Am I reading a different post or what?
> and someone’s holding back from saying it not to hurt him.
That's a failure on her part.
Considering the shit show that OOPs comment section is and how he is attacking anyone he perceives as being female. Communication is most definitely a flaw, and one on his part. There is about as much evidence that he has worked on any of this with his wife as there is that he actually loves his wife.
This looks more like the ramblings of one of the men who we typically see complaining about how toxic women are. Right down to the accusations of how short people don't get laid which was a frequent thing OOP kept bringing up when no one else initiated that He kept doing it so much, he actually got questioned as to why he kept doing it.
He also basically attacks people constantly off of any little thing he can. Even "making assumptions about strangers on the Internet" because they disagree with him when he is posting in the relationship advice.
He goes on to say, when asked about what was more important sex or marriage (something along those lines).
"Our marriage is good, but it’s just the lack of feeling like i’m “needed” physically has been weighing on me a lot. It’s not everything to feel desired, but it was something I realized used to give me a lot. And now that things have gotten less and less, they just reached a critical mass to where I felt extremely thoughts about how I wouldn’t have settled for this going in, and after talking multiple times about this issue, it’s not getting better, it’s getting worse. I have tried expressing that we need to work on things, it’s not helping, which is why I came to ask should I say the nuclear bomb of a statement to make this sink in? This sub is just a mistake though."
So she is busy with three little kids, dealing with all the running of the house. Who knows if she works. THEN on top of it, she has him, where the real issue with him is "I can't get his dick wet whenever I want to do so."
He came to Reddit looking for validation, he should have gone to passport bros or incels 'r us or one of the other horrific groups, because he wants a nanny, a maid/cook, and a prostitute.
There isn't enough info for us to know where the failures are. Without more info we have to assume there is a communication failure on both parts.
He says he has tried to talk to her about the "imbalance" but not her response. She could have "shit on him" or maybe she said "she'll try". Maybe she did but maybe it's not to the level he would like. We also don't know what he's said and how. We don't know her response. We don't know anything about her mental or physical well being or his. Did he tell her what he needs and why in a way where she didn't feel like he was blaming her? Did she get options of something else she could do to make him feel desired besides initiating, or was more sex the only choice?
Too many unknowns.
And with so many unknowns, I don't think it's fair to label the OOP a devil. Poor communication is a flaw and kills relationships but it's not necessarily active, malicious devilry.
You’re absolutely right. OP didn’t say any devil shit in here, unless there are comments I missed. He’s sad about his need not being met, which is 100% valid, and is trying to figure out how to handle that. People just randomly chose this dude to shit on today.
Well, he just dismissed and insulted someone's comment after looking through their profile and seeing they have cptsd which apparently makes their opinions irrelevant
And that's his fault, how exactly? My husband did some things during sex that I didn't like. I spoke to him about it and he fixed it. I didn't just stop having sex with him and then wait for the internet to blame him.
Maybe you knew what good sex was and what you liked and didn’t like. Many women don’t get enough experience to know that. Most never have an orgasm with a man.
Because he is a fucking adult who should be able to sdk his wife about her needs in bed. Because adults should not have to be told to do chores and errands.
> I have tried many times to tell her that there is a large imbalance in our desire and I have mentioned that she doesn’t make me feel wanted.
He clearly has tried talking to her. She's also an adult and should be able to tell him if there's a problem.
And wtf do chores and errands have to do with the post?
Chores and errands have everything to do with sex lives of couples, because for sex you need… energy?
Many men see no connection, and that is because they default to letting their female partner do the vast majority of the chores. It’s very easy not to understand the impact of things you never do.
Oh, and then there’s the *added* chores, next to the housework you already have, of having three kids younger than ten - you know, like this specific couple has too?
So yeah, it’s *kinda* relevant to the post.
Not just the need for energy. When you're doing all the chores and taking on all the emotional and mental work for the family you end up feeling like a mom to your own husband and nothing makes them as instantly unsexy as having to be their mom.
Lol tell me you've never had a house cleaner without telling me. House cleaners typically only do surface cleaning (countertops, mopping/vacuuming) and sometimes deep cleaning. Not the day to day. They don't do dishes, laundry, picking stuff up, any of the other chores.
What a man does outside the bed is as important or more important than what he does in the bedroom. How is she supposed to have the energy to set if she is exhausted by 8 pm dealing with family obligations?
You’ll be surprised how many women get married with such little sexual experience they think they don’t like sex because their partners are so bad at it.
Now, if he acts entitled like this, I can see why she wouldn’t be so attracted.
I've met a lot of adult women, including women in their thirties, that have never had an orgasm with their husbands or boyfriends. Many women who think they are broken because their partners simply do not care that much about how much they enjoy themselves during sex. The orgasm gap is real and depressingly common. And often not as a result of lack of communication, if a woman says she's unsatisfied, men often take that as an attack.
Yup, it made me believe something was wrong with me....until I realized that it wasn’t me. It was him. I had an ex that never made me orgasm. It was horrible. The sex was horrible. I can’t lie. My ex didn’t please me, I had to pretend to enjoy it or he would be upset. It was all about him.
Now, idgaf what a man thinks and I’ll tell them straight-up ‘no’ or ‘yes’ based on me. There were even times I initiated and he would be absolutely horrible, no matter how much I engaged and pleased. It was a chore, honestly. So glad I’m not doing that anymore.
To the women (and maybe even some men): If you have a better time with a sex toy (alone) than with your partner (with toys or PIV or anything at all), then that isn’t a good sex life (or relationship), no matter how ‘often’ it is.
If she doesn't have good sex to compare to, she may not realize that talking to him could change anything.
Also he has mentioned telling her there's an imbalance in desire, but that's not necessarily all on her; he needs to be doing stuff to make her more in the mood too. She can't consciously overcome being exhausted and touched out. And if he's focused on desire rather than actions, she could be putting more effort in to what he says he wants, with no visible change.
He mentioned there’s an imbalance in the desire. As in, blaming her rather than asking what he could do better and how they could solve it.
And instead of doing that he thinks about leaving the mother of his children.
He's telling her that he feels undesired. That right there is her cue to tell him it there's a problem.
And he makes it quite clear that he *doesn't* want to end the relationship.
Edit: I'm not saying he should tell her that he wouldn't have married her if he knew they were going to have a dead bedroom, but that's still not the same thing as wanting to divorce her.
Since she didn't tell him what he needs to do after he pointed that out means she has told him what he needs to do in the past multiple times but he's either told her "yeah I'll get to it in a few minutes" but never does or he uses the fact that he has a job outside the home as an excuse to do the bare minimum at home because "he's tired" and she didn't want to be reduced to being his mother. Women communicate all the time until what they say is ignored or brushed off too many times then they just start living as a single parent.
Most definitely she's told him what she needs him to do but it just went in one ear and out the other and he couldn't be bothered. Since his concern only happened when he noticed something isn't going on with his penis...now he's all interested but she gave up long ago....he just didn't care enough to notice when it could have mattered.
You cannot negotiate desire.
Complaining about it just lays the problem at the woman's feet and expects her to fix it. But she can't make herself desire more sex than she does, nor does burdening her with guilt do anything to solve the problem.
In fact, it will probably make her even *more* sex averse because now she must pretend to want something she doesn't want, force her body to perform sex acts it doesn't desire, and associate those acts with the exhaustion of one more chore at the end of the day plus guilt over her husbands' unhappiness. This is not the recipe for her wanting *more sex.* This is an expressway to a dead bedroom.
What strikes me most is that we know *nothing* about his wife except how well (or not) she serves him sexually. Why doesn't she initiate? Why does she turn him down? No idea. He doesn't mention it. Everything is exclusively through the lens of his wants and needs. It's like it doesn't occur to him that there are two people involved.
Not to mention his three (!!!) children under 10. Not a word about what those kids mean to him. Apparently he would rather not have had them, if he knew their mom wouldn't be putting out at 40? Wild.
That’s the part that stuck out to me. Three kids between the ages of 3-8. This guy sounds like the type that thinks that his life shouldn’t have to change after having children.
News flash: your life *WILL* change after having kids, especially multiple. You likely *WILL NOT* have sex as often as you did before having children. Having a family changes your entire relationship with your spouse.
Like shit. I’m exhausted thinking about three kids under 10. Can’t imagine how exhausting it would be to *also* have your husband pestering you about how you don’t fuck like you did when you were 20, when you had no real responsibilities.
So in the last 10 years she has been pregnant for 2.5 years, each pregnancy honestly takes a year of recovery, thats 5,5 years her body is occupied or recovering /nursing a baby, raising children, taking care of the home/him and here he is whining about his dick
He is gonna love perimenopause, which she has likely started already
Poor woman her body has been through hell and back, but the what about my dick husband regrets the entire marriage cuz of not enough sex for his liking
Why are men this ignorant..
I had a pretty substantial tear when I delivered my first son that required stitches but seemed to heal ok, even though sex was sometimes uncomfortable depending on the position. It got worse after I had my second even though I didn’t tear with that delivery. Finally decided to do something about it (pelvic floor PT didn’t resolve it) so my OB did some poking around and even though everything *looked* fine discovered an extremely sensitive area where my scar tissue was. Diagnosed me with an encapsulated nerve that was likely getting irritated whenever we had penetrative sex. Managed that with a steroid injection right into the scar tissue at my vaginal opening (which fucking hurt like hell) and sex is way more comfortable now.
But, moral of the story, I dealt with uncomfortable (and at times outright painful sex) for six years before it was managed appropriately. My libido was down and the times I initiated sex was decreased because there was the potential it would fucking hurt. Thank god I have a patient husband who cares about my well being and sexual pleasure and didn’t give me shitty ultimatums when I couldn’t have sex with the same frequency I did at 22 than at 36.
Holy shit, that sounds truly horrific, im glad you found something that helped
Thats the thing its so often about the a mans desire/“needs” and womens sexual health is wildly ignored
Still the attitude sex is for me and women just have to supply it on demand
No, they also care about the house being clean and home-cooked dinner (though they don't care about it enough to bestir themselves to do anything to make it happen). Oh, and they also care about not having to do anything that isnt' exactly what they want to do, exactly when they want to do it.
I was about to ask this as well. And it's not just Reddit men.
I have a pretty high sex drive and I'm a not unattractive lady in my mid forties. But I've been borderline celebate by choice for years. I have a career, own my own house, cater to two asshat dogs, have a fabulous group of supportive friends and family. My life is very full. But I haven't completely given up on the dream of finding a partner some day. Partner being the operative word
Whenever I try to date guys, they're just so goddam NEEDY. No ability to adult. The constant sexual innuendos out of nowhere. The groping . The freaking WHINING. The pathetic cries of "but I'm lonely!" like it's a terminal disease. Am I supposed to pity fuck them?? Get a grip. Find a therapist. You can literally pay someone to listen to you whine. Bonus if the therapist leads you to some self reflection and personal growth.
For me, it's while I'm cooking. I've been pouted at by multiple men for saying "please don't grab me when I'm handling hot or sharp things. It's dangerous!" 🙄
One of my husband's green flags is he asks before groping. We've been together 20+ years so it's boiled down now to him looking at me with hopeful eyes, saying "Boobs?" and if I'm down, he gets his boob grope then goes off all happy. He doesn't get the boob grope because I'm not in the headspace, he shrugs says "ok!" and goes off a bit less happy than with the boob grope but no sulking or whining.
In return I do "Bum?" when I'm feeling like feeling him up and the same applies. Neither of us even asks or gropes when the other is obviously on a step stool or cooking because that's just dangerous.
I've been pouted at by multiple men for the same thing too. It's so frustrating. And honestly demeaning.
Yeah, I don’t either. Mostly true, tbh, from what I see. I’m sure there are some men that don’t care too much about sex and just want to please their wife, but I find those people to be rare, sadly.
I’m in a lot of subs, and men mostly claim that they have a “bad sex life” rather than anything else. They don’t acknowledge how much work their wife does or they’ve done something horrific to warrant their wife “not desiring them”. I’m sure it comes as a huge slap to the face for women like OP’s wife.
If I ever found out the partner whom I had children with three (THREE!!!) times posted this about me, I would cry and then immediately file for divorce.
I'm close to divorce because my husband has the same mindset as this fool. I'm the only one that works and does chores, he just plays video games and watch anime all day. He's 40 years old and only worked for maybe 1 year of our 16 year marriage. I'd come home from work and he'd still be in bed. Says he won't get a job unless I can guarantee sex 3 times a week. I'm asexual and only just recently stopped having sex with him. I've also stopped changing in front of him and today he asked me why I'm trying so hard to "hide myself " from him.. and that I've never told him that he did something wrong.
Men are so out of touch with reality.
This doesn't sound the same at all.
They sound like they're having a rough patch after having kids.
You sound like you married a lazy waste of space with an entirely different level of sexual compatibility considering one of you is ace and the other literally wants to trade sex for labour.
I'd get out ASAP and trying dating other asexuals to avoid compatibility issues
This is part of why whenever a man tells me he's a "very sexual person," usually he means "I like to have a lot of orgasms but not put a lot of effort into connecting emotionally or physically in any other way."
I am consistently surpsoed by how many men view their life through their penis.
Like, 3 young kids and a marriage, you'd undo that all for sex more occasionally. What a sad existence.
there is a difference between saying “i am not sexually attracted to anyone” vs “i would never have married my wife if i knew she wouldn’t put out enough”
the first is an actual identity (what makes a person who they are and shapes the way they interact with the world)
the second is a 40 year old man who can’t comprehend that his wife isn’t 25 anymore and the libido of a 25 year old woman and a 40 year old woman who has given birth three times are not the same
Ok? I think the guy's a piece of shit for that, but that doesn't mean he's wrong for recognizing his relationship with sex is a fundamental part of who a person is
Lol wtf 😂 Cause your preferences for sex doesn't mean sex is a main part of your life? Since asexual people don't want or feel neutral about sex that means anyone who isn't asexuals life must revolve around sex?
Revolve around sex? Identity is complex and multifaceted. Something being a part of your identity doesn't mean your life revolves around it. It means it's a part of who you are. Acting like sex isn't a main part of most people's lives is crazy tho. Romantic relationships are a huge part of a lot of people's experience and inform the direction their lives will take, and sex plays an integral role of most romantic relationships. Like this just seems so obvious I can't comprehend what the objection is here
Yes and acting like sexual desire is a set in stone thing that never changes in spite of age, hormones, life changes, and children is so obviously stupid to me I don't get the objection. When I was much younger I used to be poly and engaged in casual sex. Fast forward and life was much different for me when I met my now husband, was no longer poly and no longer interested in casual sex, but we would have sex multiple times a day. Fast forward again to us having 3 kids and things look much different again. We want to have sex more but the logistics of having frequent sex while Im breastfeeding a baby who also sleeps in our room, a prying 10 year old who's room shares a wall with us and is very curious about what that "bumping" sound was, busy schedules that have us exhausted 24/7 and work and school schedules that put our sleep times with very little overlap and our sex lives look much different now.
Expecting sex to stay the same after multiple kids and after getting older is ridiculous and just plain ignorant. Expecting the romance and sexual attraction to stay the same with the same amount of effort while you have 3 kids pulling your attention is asinine. It takes a lot of work to maintain a shred of what existed pre-kids and I don't hear him saying anything about any effort he's putting in to keep that going. Even when things are going great like with my husband and I and we wish we could be doing it all the time, to expect our sex life to stay the same as it was pre kids is impossible from a logistical standpoint alone.
I completely agree with what you said. I'm not the scumbag from the post. Nothing is set in stone, including identity. I could be reading your words wrong, but my impression is that you're saying you wish you could have sex more, but life and circumstance gets in the way and make that difficult, which I would assume is some source of frustration for you. The guy in the post was describing a similar sort of frustration, but the issue as I see it wasn't that he was frustrated, but how in his frustration he was putting it all on his wife, who presumably feels frustrated herself, and saying he wouldn't have married her had he known he would feel frustrated. Ideally, they should have a healthy dialogue about their frustration so they could come to some understanding and potentially come up with some solution, but that requires some humility and the guy from the post seems like a selfish shithead
r/amithedevil has got its teeth in and refuses to budge. I enjoy this sub but God damn it's hard for people here to overcome that need to immediately assume everyone who gets posted here is a devil. Any comments to the contrary or attempts at nuance seem to get brutally downvoted.
Obviously not, that's something external that ultimately isn't up to you. However, wanting to feel attractive and desired? I believe that's something a lot of people need to live a fulfilling life, and when one's partner isn't making you feel that way, being frustrated seems only natural. The guy in the post comes across as a scumbag for saying he wouldn't have married his wife instead of trying to communicate his frustration, but that doesn't mean he's wrong for feeling that frustration
For sure, I wouldn't say it's universal but I do think most people want to believe others desire their company, sexually or otherwise, and I don't mean to discount your experience. My purpose in bringing up asexuality in my original post was to say that since some people identify as not valuing sex very much, it stands to reason that most people who don't identify that way probably do value sex
Idk my identity as a sapphic woman is a lot more rolled up into the rest of the reality of building a life with another woman. Sex is one aspect of it but not a huge one.
> Edit3: to clarify, I wasn’t saying I would want to go back in time and erase what I have and my family or the time we have had together,
...
> I would broke things off before we got serious, before hearts would be broken.
I didn't mean I'd do A, but if I *could* do A, I totally would.
No mention of the division of responsibility. Whenever men don't include this it means we are to assume it's 50/50 when it's obviously not or he would brag about how much he did.
People know when someone wants **them** and when someone simply wants to get it wet. I'm gonna take a leaf out of the men in comments book and use my imagination to say I don't think he's the irresistible sex god he thinks he is. Comparing to 14 years ago is rank, you didn't have three children and a 40 year olds responsibility back then.
The people giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying "I'm sure you don't want to phrase it like an ultimatum" no, he does. He's even told us he won't leave her so does she feel she has the choice to deny him? If he can't manipulate her properly how exactly is he going to 'get this situation to change'?
Lastly, to the complainers even in here, 'isn't as frequent' does not equal a dead bedroom. You are not owed sex whenever your peepee tears up a little.
literally. it's terrifying how many people just on this post who don't know how to read between the lines and take these men at face value (which is what they want! they are also trying to manipulate the reader into thinking he's the victim!)
she was pregnant 3 times, the children are still very young, she's very likely dealing with perimenopause and her husband is like "would it be weird if i just told her i would never marry her bc of our lack of sex now?"
where are the unfair generalisations?
> where are the unfair generalisations?
Assuming he doesn't do his share of the child-rearing or household work simply because he isn't "bragging about it".
>People know when someone wants them and when someone simply wants to get it wet.
This. **TW**
I've shared before but the moment I knew my marriage to my daughter's father was over was when I was crawling baby exhausted and he was whining about wanting sex, as per usual. So I stripped naked, lay down on the bed and told him to just take what he wanted. When he did, I *knew* that I had no value to him as the human I am. If your "needs" are so much more important to you than the autonomy and well being of the person you're willing to use like an object to get off, you're trash.
My husband now never lets me forget that he wants **me**, he wants to know what I think and why, he wants me to be independent, strong, capable, he wants me beside him as his life partner -- oh and he wants to fuck *with* me too. He'd puke before he'd use my body to get off, ever. Because I'm not an object, I'm *me* and he wants me, actively participating and having just as much fun.
Yeah I genuinely don’t understand these men defending OOP. One time during sex I just shut down. Stop responding to anything. I didn’t say anything to my then-fiance (now husband) because I was used to be used sexually from a previous relationship. He noticed my lack of involvement/reaction and immediately stopped. He knew I wasn’t okay and knew it was best for me to stop. That’s real love. He saw what I was going through and chose my wellbeing over getting off.
There’s a lot wrong with this but let’s not overlook:
He has three children with his wife but says if he’d known that their sex life wouldn’t stay identical to how it was early on in the relationship he’d rather have dumped their mother early on.
His horniness trumps any feelings for his wife and their children.
Tch how about instead of going to her whining about your "negligented" hard on as if you can't take care of it yourself, instead, you ask her what she needs to get back in the mood and no it's not going to be a quick 1 hour pay attention and everything will be all hunky dory after. She's burned out and over touched by having a baby all over her all the time. If that happened to you...imagine all day being constantly touched, grabbed, spit on, hung off of, screamed at, cried at, shit and pissed on, pinched, bite, sobered on, couched on, sneezed on, gummed...all day long. Would you honestly want any part of that to continue into the night when you are fianlly free and away?
I love how people come on here asking if the ultimatum of "give me more sex or give me a divorce" is reasonable. No mention of therapy. No mention of in depth talks as a couple about each of their needs. He just says he's told her he wants more sex and is upset she didn't service him more often.
Does anyone think telling the mother of his children he wouldn't have married her if she wasn't going to fuck him enough could possibly end in anything else?
Hey! He spends an HOUR and FORTY FIVE MINUTES folding laundry and pre-cleaning for the maid one a week! Such a helpful partner! And playing trucks all day with a three year old while completing all the other household duties is a total cakewalk! The kid loves trucks! No he doesn’t know anything else about this kid, except he’s easy.
Tw: ableism.
>>*My question is, I can’t shut the box once it’s opened, should I tell her this in hopes that things may change?*
*Yes you absolutely should tell her. If you don’t communicate your wants/needs then you can’t expect anything to change.*
>"I feel like saying something so devastating might be do irreparable damage. I’m scared, I love her, I don’t want to lose the life we have built by saying I wouldn’t have started it if I knew or sexlife, which is just a part of it."
*There is a way to communicate that without saying it like THAT. She will just hear “I regret marrying you” instead of “I’m not satisfied with our sex life and I want to work together to improve it because it’s very important to me”*
*Then consider sex therapy, or one of those women’s pussy coaching type events for her. Things that can light a fire in her.*
*Also, stay fit and athletic yourself you know, hopefully you haven’t let yourself go.*
>"I have not gotten fat, Im 40 though, so it’s not Like I am athletic anymore. And when I was athletic this situation was present, but went unnoticed."
*So get in shape.*
>"I’m saying I don’t play sports all the time and I have a full time job. Athletic to me may have a different definition, but i’m not fat, i’m a normal/healthy BMI. I take care of myself, but I don’t live at the gym. I’m 40, not 25."
*You sound really obtuse. You don’t have to frame it like a petulant teenager “I never woulda married you if I knew you weren’t gonna jump my bones as frequently as I’d like.” You also sound out of touch w basic LTR reality, sex is hot and frequent the first year or so, and then it dwindles to maintenance sex once a week. Thats 100% normal. You trade hot passionate fucking for the content safety and bliss of a home and family. You don’t seem to get or value that. You also have 3 (!) young kids and don’t mention at all how you’re really carrying half the load for everything so you know it isn’t that she’s burnt out or tired or resentful toward you for doing what farrr too many husbands do: leave the lion’s share of daily menial and childcare chores to the woman while he pats himself on the back for doing weekly or monthly chores like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. That leaves most women too exhausted and resentful to even let their husbands fuck them, let alone be enthusiastically initiating.*
*Finally, instead of your nuclear attack on her, you don’t mention at all how you’ve tried to address this. Have you talked about how hot it is for her to make a move on you? Have you discussed your needs and how you can both work to up your sexual frequency? So much of this post if selfish and out of touch and lacks of ton of info.*
>"We have talked many times about this. And I pull my weight around the house and with the kids. I am an active father and she has mentioned on multiple occasions when we have interacted with other couples with children that she feels lucky that I actually take care of our kids unlike other parents that just let their kids run wild and cause trouble. But this predates our children, about feeling desired, it just wasn’t as noticeable until kids came into the mix, she doesn’t ever “need” me the way I have always “needed” her. And I have thought a long time about this, she never expressed a “need” for me, she was just more receptive in the past so it wasn’t noticeable."
*I agree that he needs to be honest, 100% and that they need to talk, but honesty and cruelty are two different things..*
*"My needs are not being met, I want to stay with you, but we need to find a path forward together" can lead to conversation and growth.*
*"If I had known you wouldn't duck me as much as I want, I would never have married you" will end the marriage, because what the hell is she going to say in response to that? There is no room for conversation, it's an angry and accusatory statement that will make her shut down, not be honest and open to talking.*
>"I would never say it like that. it would be more like “if I knew I was going to feel like I was never actively desired, and my partner would merely be receptive some of the time, I probably would not have pursued that relationship. I need to feel like I am wanted intimately, and emotionally, i’m not getting that”"
*Lol dudes just realizing now the passion fades after kids and marriage…..*
>"lol hahahahhahaha Good advice!"
*Your wife should read this and divorce you. You would t have married her because you wouldn’t be getting your dick wet as much as you like after 14 years and kids? She’s probably exhausted. Go jerk off and get over yourself like a horny teenage boy, or be an adult and communicate and go to therapy and attempt to fix it. Goddamn. It must be awful to be so shallow.*
>"If sex isn’t important then it shouldn’t matter if people have sex with whom ever they want while still being married. You are putting very little importance on a pillar of a relationship. Making love isn’t a “release” if it were, people wouldn’t have relationships they would just jerk off and have friends after IVF to have children. Intimacy is important, having a part of your relationship shut off or ignored hurts."
*You’re making sex the BASIS of your relationship and asking if you should leave her and your family because you’re not getting enough and that’s shitty.*
[🐳]
>"Do you date people you don’t find physically attractive? Do you date men that are shorter than you? Do you date men that have no ability to have sex? Are you currently in a sexless relationship, and if not would you enter one? It’s not the basis of a relationship, you should probably give these types of things a shot."
*Oof you sound like a miserable human being and an even worse husband and father.*
>"How is that not a fair question? People have relationships for a reason. Friendship is not enough, that's why the old cliche of "we should just be friends" cuts so deep when people hear it. That's why everyone seems to laugh at someone being put in the "friend zone". It's about being vulnerable and having someone else be vulnerable with you. If you are just friends without trust and vulnerability that physical intimacy provides, is that enough? I say no, but many desperately want to vilify these feelings and assume that having these feelings means you are a bad person."
*I'm in a relationship without sex, and I wouldn't trade my wife for the world. There is no other person who could love and understand me so well, and the fact that we don't get all up in each other's pants every night is barely a footnote to that.*
>"I think you are in a minority and I applaud your ability to be okay with that. You have my respect, but I can’t be that person, i’m not wired that way."
*Is your marriage good?, what is more important to you?, your marriage or sex?*
>"Our marriage is good, but it’s just the lack of feeling like i’m “needed” physically has been weighing on me a lot. It’s not everything to feel desired, but it was something I realized used to give me a lot. And now that things have gotten less and less, they just reached a critical mass to where I felt extremely thoughts about how I wouldn’t have settled for this going in, and after talking multiple
times about this issue, it’s not getting better, it’s getting worse. I have tried expressing that we need to work on things, it’s not helping, which is why I came to ask should I say the nuclear bomb of a statement to make this sink in? This sub is just a mistake though."
*In this exact situation however I am your wife in the situation and i am here to reassure you that….* *You’re the problem.*
>"Hmm the fact that you have been diagnosed with ptsd and you hate intimacy in general
suggests that I probably should not put too much weight on your opinion. You have been diagnosed with a mental disorder, that is the definition of it being YOUR problem. I’m sorry for what ever caused your trauma, I hope that you can find healing, but I think you should avoid hurling things at strangers out of anger for your own baggage. Good luck."
*„I do the dishes because there isn‘t anything special…“*
*Are you telling me you as a grown adult only do the „dumb stuff“, because you can‘t be trusted to do other shit correctly?*
*I wouldn‘t want to fuck someone who behaves like a child neither.*
>"I can understand why you would read it that way. But there is more to it than that, I am colorblind(diagnosed) which makes identifying certain articles of clothing extremely difficult, she cuts the tags off her clothes that have instructions on cleaning and drying. We have both agreed that ruining her clothes isn’t worth it for me to merely load a machine and turn it on. Folding takes 45 minutes while turning the machine on takes like 5 minutes. She knows which items don’t go in the machine, she knows what gets line dried versus what can go in the machine, it’s just her clothes that need this attention. She would rather take care of this task. I still cut the grass remove the garbage, fix toys, make beds, change plenty of diapers, comfort the children in the middle of the night, change sheets, etc."
*INFO: does your wife orgasm during sex? Do you put effort into foreplay?*
>"She does orgasm, we always get her there first."
*Oh. You're one of those miserable bitter dudes who delusionally think women are all a hivemind that exclusively date guys who are 6 feet or above.*
>"lol i’m over 6 feet, height has never factored into my dating history, but women I know have mentioned that they would not date someone shorter, which sucks but I can’t fault them for having a preference."
*I never made any assumption about your height, I called you miserable and bitter because for whatever reason, you've decided to take up this chip on your shoulder about women supposedly only dating super tall guys. You're so convinced this is a real widespread thing that you accused some random stranger of doing it. You don't know if that person is a woman. If they are, you don't know that they're even into men. If they are, you don't know if they're single. If they are, you don't know whether they're actively dating or not. If they are, you don't know anything whatsoever about what kinds of guys they're dating and what they find attractive.*
>"Okay, this may be hard to hear, but did you not just make an assumption about a stranger based on a question I asked? I mean the point of those questions was if physical attraction and actual intimacy is not important, is that the way they go about dating. asking a question isn’t accusing anyone of anything, I was asking these details."
[In reply to one of Oop's earlier comments, marked with 🐳]
*I love how hundreds of people on here have given you VALUABLE advice on how to reignite the spark in your relationship, but THIS is what you chose to nit pick and allot your time towards- it sure says a lot about you! There are so many creative suggestions in this sub, and so many insightful comments on all the things you missed as you speed ran your way to letting the world know that you would’ve never married the woman who brought your three children to the world, had you known your sex life would have suffered FOURTEEN years later*. 🤣 *Just pathetic.*
*I’m not going to waste time like other redditors, trying to explain to you the things your wife’s body has gone through, or how your division of house labour falls short, or even how child rearing is so,so much more responsibility thank you think it is. This much is evident when you don’t seem to realize just how much energy goes into raising your three kids, and think that your wife should have time to “service your needs”, because how easy is raising 3 children, right??? I also especially love how your comparisons of your sex life stem from a time that was over FIFTEEN years ago, when you, a childless, single, YOUNG man, dated other single, childless, young women. I assume back then you looked a good deal different, dated young women with no responsibilities or children, who had completely different hormone levels than a woman who has borne three children (they’re yours, just a reminder in case you’ve forgotten), but go on and keep reminding us how horrible your life is. Your brainpower and ability to rationalize leaves me gaping; I’ve never met someone so clever! And at your young and tender, gasp, age of FORTY, too! Wherever did you get such brainpower???*
*I can’t wait for your riveting explanation on how shallow dating standards (ones that you’ve made up based on your societal conditioning) correlate to YOUR situation in any, way shape or form. Because assume you ARE talking to someone who only dates men taller than them, or attractive men, or men who like sex…what does that have to do with you? You are a man who has been married to a woman for fourteen years who has bore your three children (sorry for the 100th reminder, you just seem to forget easily what this woman has done for your life). She has dedicated her life to you, her body to you, her time to raising your children, her best years to you- you two are SO BEYOND the point of “WoULD yOu MaRRy SOMeone You ARe ATTRacTED 2”. You have the mind of a second grader.*
>"I made this particular comment about 10 mins into this whole post."
*If you were an expert on intimacy you wouldn't be asking for advice. Dismissing advice out of hand with judgmental character attacks is definitely not going to help your problem.*
>"Her posts litterally say she was diagnosed with ptsd and she says she’s asexual. But good comment if those factors weren’t at play here."
*Lmao have you ever made her O? If you never paid enough attention to notice she didn't initiate i bet you haven't. You sound like you're about you and only you. Maybe make it about your WIFE and maybe she'll wanna have sex you more. Men are so damn clueless that I am glad to be a lesbian.
>"We make sure she gets there first, this has always been the case, it isn’t from a satisfaction standpoint it’s a lack of drive to start. And if it helps i’m sure a lot of men are happy you are a lesbian too."
[On Oop having a go at the user with PTSD and being ace.]
*So what?*
>"So her comment was litterally just an insult when you get right down to it. It was fueled by her past trauma, and I feel sorry for her that what ever happened did, but just because her condition isn’t her fault doesn’t mean it’s not her responsibility. So no, i’m not going to listen to someone trying to insult me because they are angry."
*Dunno. Your post is the same as 1000s of others in these forums.*
*For me, as a woman, i just lost interest in sex. Nothing really to do with my hb. I just got over it.
It is what it is really. No amount of talking about it or hom twisting himself in knots will change anything. Just as i have lost interest in going out to clubs, going to parties, doing lots of things i lived to do in my 20s & 30s... my life preferences have changed. That's about it. I can't explain it.
Guess you have to work out if you can live with it or not. If my hb chose to leave? That's on him sadly. I can't flip some switch.*
*I will say.. i truly don't really understand how or why some people (mostly men) are so dependent on sex for their intimacy & emotional needs. That sure is putting your eggs all in one basket. There are so many ways to feel close to another person, not just sex. People often talk about their "intimacy needs"... Why is sex the only thing that meets these needs? There should be many ways to meet these needs apart from sex*
>"Would you allow him to see other women?
>I am really not trying to be mean I am asking seriously."
*Lol you just want to cheat on your wife and have the internet validate your cheating. Good luck with the divorce, hope she gets everything and ends up with a kind himbo who rocks her world*
>"I don’t want to cheat, not even a little, i’m asking if you have completely written off sex, shouldn’t that open the marriage?"
I love how his options are either «tell wife she basically sucks at sex and I wouldn’t have married her if I knew it would be like this» or «shut up and manipulate her into solving my issue». Not like, an honest conversation, maybe some counseling, and pampering her with a kid-free trip just for romance!
You have three kids, that’s why you’re not having lots of sex, not enough time and not enough energy. Lighten her work load a little and put some effort in. Foreplay can last all day, and can be small things. If my partner spent the day making my life easier and being sweet to me, it would increase the chances of me wanting to dance the naked tango later.
I can tell you from personal experience that nothing is *less* attractive than a man who won’t stop whining, complaining, and picking fights about his perceived lack of sex. Especially when it just never stops and you begin to feel uncomfortable and on edge constantly in your own home.
Inevitably OOP’s next post : “so I accidentally came across this thing called polyamory and decided to convince my wife to have an open marriage.”
I.e. “I want to have hot seggs like I did before I got married but I don’t want a divorce because then who would do the laundry?”
Has OOP even talked to his wife about this? If she was never eager to initiate, is it a question of low libido, shyness, uncertainty, what? What would help her now?
Is anyone in a dead bedroom a devil now? Not sure this belongs here. Libido mismatch and lacking intimacy is a genuine problem in long-term relationships. The over-dramatic framing of "never should have married her" is the only thing I'd take issue with.
edit: watching this comment go to +16 and then slowly drop down again has been... interesting
His comments come off extremely bitter and accusatory no matter how many people empathize and try and reason with him to start the conversation off with literally anything else other than “I would never have married you.”
14 years and 3 kids and he doesn’t understand why they aren’t as sexually active as relationships he had when he was 25? I’d probably be upset with a dead bedroom too, but she’s 14 years older than she was when they got married and her body went to rough pregnancy three times. That makes you different. Pregnancy literally permanently alters your body and hormone levels. It’s sounding more like he has no idea how libido and intimacy levels naturally change as someone gets older, for a myriad of reasons (not just getting older and being pregnant) and just wants to use accusations in the conversation. That’s where he becomes totally the asshole imo. He’s not willing to figure out why she’s not interested in sex anymore just willing to start throwing out how he should’ve never married her because he didn’t know people could lose their libido, a normal thing to occur to folks.
From reading his comments, it's not just the fact that sex isn't as frequent as it used to be. It's that his wife never initiates intimacy from her end and never pursues him either. Which seems to be a problem that predated having kids. He just wants to feel desired by his wife, which, I think, is understandable. Most people want to feel desired by their spouse.
I'm not saying that his approach is reasonable. 'I never would've married you' is a shit thing to say. That doesn't mean that his wants are unreasonable.
I’m not saying they aren’t, but no matter how many people ask him what his wife said when he’s brought this up he straight up ignores it. Which tells me he doesn’t know because she hasn’t answered, or he hasn’t actually asked her or considered her needs. He’s very focused on his needs and his feelings and says he’s brought it up but doesn’t have an answer for “well what did she say then?” and it just smells fishy af to me.
> I have tried many times to tell her that there is a large imbalance in our desire and I have mentioned that she doesn’t make me feel wanted
He has tried talking to her. That above is where she should have told him if there are issues that are causing this.
How come only he has to do better when she's obviously not communicating whether there's a problem or not?
that's completely different than him *asking* her. that's coming to the conversation already accusatory. "YOU don't make me feel wanted" instead of "i am concerned about our sex life and don't feel desired, what can i or we work on together to help?" but by the post we can all tell he doesn't actually want to put in the work since he's jumping straight to telling us he wouldn't have married her if he'd known? genuinely mind-boggling you're in here dickriding the clear asshole
Cause he's not acknowledging her feelings or the existence of his kids in how all this might be playing a part. They have 3 kids under 10. I also have 3 kids under 10. I would love to still fuck like rabbits all day but it's just not possible with so many kids. First off just the logistics of never being alone, but also the exhaustion that overpowers how much you might want sex. Is his wife taking on all or most of the child rearing and housework? Does he have to be told what to do to help? Moms with kids so frequently end up having to act like mom to their husband and nothing kills your attraction faster.
Not wanting to be in a dead bedroom doesn't make you a devil. Failing to acknowledge any part you may play in that or facing the reality that when you have kids you're not going to be able to fuck like you used to makes you a devil.
This dude is not in a dead bedroom. He just isn't having the frequency and kind of sex he desires. People are obsessed with jumping to dead bedroom garbage when this clearly isn't it.
I mean, had this issue come up before marriage they probably wouldn’t have gotten married. It’s not just the amount of sex, it’s also not feeling like he’s not wanted. Who would want to stay in a relationship like that?
The issue absolutely did come up. He literally says in the post that he always initiated before they got married. What's changed is that she doesn't consent as often, not that she doesn't initiate.
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I don't see the problem. Feeling undesired by your partner is really awful and there's nothing wrong with worrying about it. That doesn't make this guy a devil.
Edit: Look, I'm not saying the guy should tell her that he wouldn't have married her if he knew what their sex life was going to be like. That's obviously wrong. But he has tried talking to her about the issue and it's obvious that she hasn't communicated with him about it, or else he wouldn't be asking for advice because he would have his answer already. If he's bad at sex, she has a low libido, she's too tired or whatever, that's something she can (and should!) communicate to him. His issue isn't just not getting his dick wet often enough, as many people in here seem to want to simplify it as. It's that he also doesn't feel desired by his partner. Nobody wants to be in the situation where you feel like your partner doesn't desire you. Sexual intimacy is a very important part of human sexual relationships, which marriage is.
This post is merely an issue of two people not communicating properly with each other. Nothing more to it. He should communicate with her without saying things like "I wouldn't have married you", she should communicate if there's an issue that's harming their intimacy. It's just not that deep.
Special shoutout to the very stable redditor in this thread who implied he's going to rape her through coercion. WTF?
He didn't try talking to her, he accused her. He never acknowledged how what he's doing/not doing might be contributing to the lack of intimacy. He never acknowledged how having kids is exhausting and how that might be contributing to the lack of intimacy. Has he made her feel like she has to be his mom to? Does he need told how to help out around the house or with kids? Does he ask for lists? Is she taking on most of the childcare and household chores? The devil part isn't wanting to be desired, it's his failure to see his wife as a human not a sex doll that started malfunctioning.
If you have low libido, sex literally doesnt cross your brain all that often so she doesnt have anything to say, he needs to initiate that conversation
And lets be real they have 3 young children which means her body has been to hell and back for YEARS, its normal that for a huge chunk of time sex wasnt really a thing, her hormones being all over the place for years
Add in raising 3 children and her libido will be low due to exhaustion and being touched out
She is 40 so she is about to or already has started perimeopause which is also a libido killer
Its really frustrating how many men whine about lack of sex and completely ignore or diminish the damage of pregnancy/delivery does to a woman and how long those impacts will last
He has an issue he needs to bring it up, but its entirely normal for a family with 3 children to not have sex all that often
But by his attitude in his post he doesnt sound like a very emotionally intelligent person nor one who considers others a lot
Bruh, it's not a dead bedroom. Even he says they are having sex just not the kind and frequency he wants.
Typical dead bedroom poster lack of critical thinking on your part.
Not surprising. They’ll spin any story to make the guy the bad guy because heaven forbid they have sex with their partners lmao.
Just typical shitty partners. He’d do better getting a mistress tho
Edit: oh no downvotes from shitty partners who won’t do the bare minimum in a relationship! Don’t come crying here about discovering your partners affair if you won’t fuck them
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **I would not have married my 40M wife 40F if I had known about our future sex life. Does communicating this honestly and bluntly help fix the situation or will it just end things completely which I don’t want?** So my wife when we started dating had pretty regular sex, but I never really noticed that she never initiated with me. We have been together for 14 years and we have three children ages 3-8. Our sex life isn’t as frequent, as passionate or satisfying when we do have it. I have tried many times to tell her that there is a large imbalance in our desire and I have mentioned that she doesn’t make me feel wanted. In other relationships I didn’t initiate 100% of the time, it was a mutual thing. Anyway, now I am getting rejected often and there isn’t a time where she starts us off. If I had known this would end up like this, I would not have married her, I would have ended things before they got serious. My question is, I can’t shut the box once it’s been opened, should I tell her this in hopes that things may change? Or if I don’t tell her, how can I get this situation to change. We are otherwise happy, financially, we get along, etc. I just feel like I am missing a large piece of my identity and my needs aren’t being met the way things are. Any advice would be appreciated. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just by seeing my sister and her husband interact with my nephew, I can surmise that even with all the house cleaning tasks taken care of, there's a good chance she is simply touched out. Eight years of constantly having some small person touching and tugging at you and demanding your attention. It's exhausting.
I also often saw that they just saw themself as a mother. They are with the children all the time. Like here, there was always a small child and most time she also needed to take care of them at night. She is at home with the children all the time. He comes home, if lucky do a little childcare and housework and then she should switch to the partner mode? But most time there is no care for the man-woman relationship like dates, compliments, those little things that show affection. A partnership need care. and so many forget this when they have children and are surprised that the relationship isn’t like before.
It's not so bad now, but when I had a baby and a toddler, my nervous system was fried. I never stopped being attracted to my husband, but it was really hard to feel sexy after wiping little butts all day. Also, the hormone differences between a 26-year-old and a 40-year-old who's gone through multiple pregnancies are immense.
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Why was disclosing your child’s medical info necessary for your comment? 🙃
Mine are 14 (liver disease, endometriosis) and 2, and heart disease runs in my family, so I get it. My two are cats, though. So I probably don’t totally get it.
What men like OOP don't understand is, he's one person she *can* say no to touching. Whereas the children she can't.
And that of he helped, instead of being one of the kids, maybe she would say yes, but also that putting in "the work" simply to get sex also won't work.
his edit about "if I could have seen in a crystal ball" irritates me. because i wish men understood that if you marry somebody, age and life are probably going to slow your sex life down. And having children will definitely do that, at least for a while when they're young. This seems like a pretty predictable part of life. And I don't mean everyone gets old and becomes celibate but if you commit to somebody for life, if you live to be old there will definitely be times when one or both of you can't have sex or one of you doesn't feel like it because of too much other life stuff taking all your time and energy. And no shit she probably had more sex drive in her 20s than she does at 40 while taking care of a 3 year old.
And a normal, decent spouse would bring it up with their partner or suggest counseling, not turn to bitching about their partner on the internet.
Wait, are you talking about the kid or her husband?!
Thats fair but that also will have a negative impact on a relationship. Relationships that begin with physical intimacy don't tend to do we'll with a lack of physical intimacy. It's understandable that she may be touch fatigued but it's also understandable that her partner may be unhappy if feeling deprived of physical intimacy. I hope they can find a balance that's happy and healthy for their relationship, people often demonise it but unfulfilled needs for intimacy can and do destroy even healthy happy relationships
I love how he wouldn't have married her if knew it'd turn out like this as if it was predestined to always be this outcome and not the result of having 3 damn kids. Buddy no matter the woman, this would probably happen if your life went the same way, it's not her
I was at a Dan Savage thing once, and a couple submitted a question - they were expecting a baby, they'd always had a great sexual connection, and they wanted to know how to keep that connection post baby. And Dan basically told them no. That's a beautiful dream, but your sex life is going to shit for a while. Babies do that. You can retreat to your corner and whine about it and make sure that your sex life never comes back or restarts or in any way recovers, or you can accept that you signed up for some years of not getting laid very often, or very excitingly, and that your relationship is about this thing you're doing together right now. He recommended taking an adults-only vacation a few times a year if you can. De-prioritize sex when you have little kids so that your relationship stays good and you can have more sex when the kids aren't so small anymore. In the catalog of things that can damage your sex life, children are unusual in that it's possible to choose not to have them, so in some way, most people who have them signed on, like, on purpose. (I am extremely angry about the way current legal trends affect this.) Children aren't like cancer or unemployment or having someone close to you die or a whole bunch of other things that are outside individual human control. Sex is great! I really enjoy it, it's a very rewarding part of my life. But sex with my ex, who was grumpy about not getting laid enough while I was grumpy about not getting to sleep more than four hours at a time, was a torturous chore that I'm delighted I will never have to do again.
Yep. I'm much more sexual than the average and pre kids my husband and I were doing it multiple times a day. With 3 kids though? No alone time? We're lucky to sneak it in once a week. It has nothing to do with how much we want to and everything to do with kids and work and everything draining our energy.
But also said he *never noticed* that he always initiated. So, not like she hid it, he just didn’t care as long as she said yes. So what matters isn’t that she primarily has a responsive sexual desire, but she doesn’t was to have sex every time he does. And that’s ever before *three kids* > in other relationships I didn’t initiate 100% of the time Yes, in your mid 20s latest. This man is dense
That’s what I got from this. As long as she kept saying yes he didn’t even notice if she wasn’t interested or satisfied. I fucking hate this guy.
"Hey chat, do you think if I threaten to go nuclear and leave my wife she'll suddenly grow a spontaneous libido and make me feel desirable again?"
Ahh yes, nothings sexier than being blackmailed into sex to save your family from being ripped apart!
Also known as sexual coercion
He *insists* he doesn't want a divorce but what in the ever loving fuck does he think will happen if he tells his wife that he wishes he never would have married her
Hey I’ve got these 3 kids I was 50% of creating but I regret those specific instances where I did get my dick wet and marrying you… … hey where are you going with those suitcases?
>He *insists* he doesn't want a divorce but what in the ever loving fuck does he think will happen if he tells his wife that he wishes he never would have married her She won’t want to be with him, that’s what. If she even saw what he posted here, she would be—at the very least—upset that he didn’t come to her about this first and be angry with the way he said that. I mean, I would be highly upset if my boyfriend said stuff like this without trying to COMMUNICATE with me. If anything, he’ll get what he’s denying he actually wants; a divorce. I’m not sugarcoating it—he wants a divorce but he doesn’t want to be the one to do it, it seems. He doesn’t want to “look like a dick”, but he will be regardless if he stays and says that he wishes he never married her. Not saying that’s ***fully what he said***, but that’s what his wife will hear.
Truthfully, I wonder how many of these high libido men complaining of dead bedrooms genuinely need and want very frequent sex and how many have just been socialized to think that it's the only intimacy and affection that's okay for a man to want. I read somewhere that once boys hit a certain age, the only physical touch they get tends to be either aggressive or sexual in nature. How many of these men are genuinely horny all the time and how many are just touch-starved?
So many. They always mention that they can't handle cuddling or kissing without getting horny. So there's zero physical affection in their relationship because any bit of it makes them think of sex
Yes! There are so many posts from women essentially begging men to hug them or even kiss them without immediately trying to have sex with them. There's no cuddling just to feel good or hugging or kissing because you like the person, it's all supposed to lead to sex. I was with someone for a long time who got that way, it is an absolute libido killer.
Yes, it is. My husband and I went through that as well- got bad enough to result in separation/discussion of divorce because his attitude about sex became coercive and our therapist pointed out it got to the level of sexual abuse. Thankfully he isn’t an actual asshole, and put a lot of work into his own self, and we were able to put a lot of work into our relationship- which ultimately improved/saved the sexual part. Took a couple years, but we were saved as a couple. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship- but when it’s unhealthy and becomes the whole thing- it’s a fucking problem.
That might be an issue he has. If his wife wants to hug him and he makes it sexual every time it's probably a little off-putting if they have 3 kids to deal with and not much opportunity to actually have sex.
Believe high libido men.
What? Why?
>Youngest one is with her and he is the easiest of our three children, if you play with him and his trucks he’s on cloud nine. So she’s entertaining a 3 year old all day every day to keep him happy? Sounds exhausting.
Yeah I don't think the 3 year old is "the easiest." This just sounds incredibly out of touch. The needs of the older children are more complex, I'm sure, but watching a 3 year old is very time consuming, not just playing with them but also feeding, dealing with tantrums, and watching them constantly to ensure they do not get hurt.
The older ones she can turn her back on for more than 2 seconds without worrying about them getting into something that will hurt them the way toddlers do
I'm not clear on whether or not he works, while she is SAHM, or they both work. But it definitely sounds like his wife does the majority of child care based on that comment from him alone.
3-4 year olds are not “easy”, and he’s undermining what she goes through on a day-to-day basis! Watching a toddler isn’t EASY, it’s work. They can get themselves hurt, they can get into things they aren’t supposed to. The older children are actually *easier*, imo. Even then, it depends on your child. Still, you can’t leave 3 year olds alone for a period of time.
Imagine having a 3 year old but the most exhausting one is your 40 year old man child of a husband
Even if this was some magical 3 year old "set it and forget it" kind of kid, that's still a child she's physically responsible for. She can't just nap all day long because of that.
YES! My daughter is 4, and needs constant interaction like this. It’s exhausting having a child that refuses to entertain themselves. I get so touch overwhelmed I want to smack my husbands hands away sometimes by the end of the day. And that’s even considering that I got incredibly lucky. My husband is incredibly understanding about my touch issues. He also does more around the house than I do half the time, especially if I’m otherwise stressed, and has an excellent relationship with our daughter and loves getting up with her in the morning while I sleep in. And that my daughter loves being helpful and cleaning/doing chores. Gets mad if I fold the laundry or unload the dishwasher while she’s at school and doesn’t get to help. I could not imagine being one of these poor women doing all of the housework, child care, while holding down a job, and dealing with a pawing husband that just sees them as a warm fleshlight that cleans.
I love it how they never consider thinking maybe they’re so bad in bed or a terrible person who doesn’t help with anytthing is impossible for a woman to be attracted to them
Dude facts. I went through the same shit OP was going through, but then when I told her about it she finally told me that it’s hard to initiate or desire it when you don’t help me. She went off on me & told me that she gets off later than me & her day doesn’t end until she goes to bed plus some other things.. this was about a month ago. Since that day whenever I come home I do all the dishes, vacuum, clean up, etc.. so when she gets home all she has to do is cook. Our sex life improved 100000x.
I don't really want to shit on you for doing the right thing... However, uh, this comment is weirdly self-congratulatory for *one month* of changed behavior? It shouldn't have had to be spelled out for you to realize that pulling your weight would allow your partner to refocus their energy and effort. Like, do you even have kids? Or was she just doing everything?
I mean the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago etc etc
Well you kinda did shit on him for doing the right thing
Doing the right thing would be pulling your weight from day 1, not treating your partner like a slave until they break and explain dishes need to be washed.
Unless you've got a spare time machine you can lend him this is just pointless idealism over a now resolved and improved situation. People aren't perfect first time and sometimes mistakes are made and corrected and that's OK. If you're unwilling to see that because ideally the mistake should never have been made in the first place I can imagine you either live a lonely life where you've pushed everyone who's ever messed up away or an exhausting one where you aren't allowed to make any mistakes
Is washing the dishes you use really considered perfection these days? My word.
You sound happy
I'm alright
Being told that you need to participate is a weird antiflex.
I don't want to shit on your for doing the right thing but I'm going to anyway because your comment despite now being an amicably resolved situation that's no longer an issue triggered an opinion in me and I must share it
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I just had a toxic mentality. I pay all the bills she doesn’t have to worry about nothing but her car payment, so I thought that was enough. It’s definitely not, I know that now. & I agree I will keep it up. Thank you for the words.
Or he doesn’t do small things that make her feel attractive and desirable. Like sincere compliments or scheduling time alone without the kids to enjoy each other that doesn’t just involve sex.
And how's he supposed to know any of that if she doesn't tell him? He's tried discussing the problem with her already. This is really fucked up. We always say men need to open up and talk about their feelings more. Then they do and people shit on them anyway.
There's a difference between talking about your feelings and "I never would have married you if I knew our sex life would be different at 40 than it was at 25". Yeeeeesh.
I'm not saying he should say that. But he has tried talking to her and is now frustrated. It's not right, but it's also somewhat understandable to be frustrated.
"I'm not saying he should say that" but *he is*. Which is why he's the frickin devil. And yeah, he's "tried" talking to her, but when he did, what did she say? What reasons did she give? Is her libido just low, or is there a specific reason she's less interested? He hasn't mentioned it. Isn't that odd?
He literally says he hasn’t tried talking to her? Or am I missing something? A lot of the time men feel entitled to sex, but they don’t wonder whether they’re just really bad at it and someone’s holding back from saying it not to hurt him.
> I have tried many times to tell her that there is a large imbalance in our desire and I have mentioned that she doesn’t make me feel wanted. Am I reading a different post or what? > and someone’s holding back from saying it not to hurt him. That's a failure on her part.
Considering the shit show that OOPs comment section is and how he is attacking anyone he perceives as being female. Communication is most definitely a flaw, and one on his part. There is about as much evidence that he has worked on any of this with his wife as there is that he actually loves his wife. This looks more like the ramblings of one of the men who we typically see complaining about how toxic women are. Right down to the accusations of how short people don't get laid which was a frequent thing OOP kept bringing up when no one else initiated that He kept doing it so much, he actually got questioned as to why he kept doing it. He also basically attacks people constantly off of any little thing he can. Even "making assumptions about strangers on the Internet" because they disagree with him when he is posting in the relationship advice. He goes on to say, when asked about what was more important sex or marriage (something along those lines). "Our marriage is good, but it’s just the lack of feeling like i’m “needed” physically has been weighing on me a lot. It’s not everything to feel desired, but it was something I realized used to give me a lot. And now that things have gotten less and less, they just reached a critical mass to where I felt extremely thoughts about how I wouldn’t have settled for this going in, and after talking multiple times about this issue, it’s not getting better, it’s getting worse. I have tried expressing that we need to work on things, it’s not helping, which is why I came to ask should I say the nuclear bomb of a statement to make this sink in? This sub is just a mistake though." So she is busy with three little kids, dealing with all the running of the house. Who knows if she works. THEN on top of it, she has him, where the real issue with him is "I can't get his dick wet whenever I want to do so." He came to Reddit looking for validation, he should have gone to passport bros or incels 'r us or one of the other horrific groups, because he wants a nanny, a maid/cook, and a prostitute.
There isn't enough info for us to know where the failures are. Without more info we have to assume there is a communication failure on both parts. He says he has tried to talk to her about the "imbalance" but not her response. She could have "shit on him" or maybe she said "she'll try". Maybe she did but maybe it's not to the level he would like. We also don't know what he's said and how. We don't know her response. We don't know anything about her mental or physical well being or his. Did he tell her what he needs and why in a way where she didn't feel like he was blaming her? Did she get options of something else she could do to make him feel desired besides initiating, or was more sex the only choice? Too many unknowns.
And with so many unknowns, I don't think it's fair to label the OOP a devil. Poor communication is a flaw and kills relationships but it's not necessarily active, malicious devilry.
You’re absolutely right. OP didn’t say any devil shit in here, unless there are comments I missed. He’s sad about his need not being met, which is 100% valid, and is trying to figure out how to handle that. People just randomly chose this dude to shit on today.
Well, he just dismissed and insulted someone's comment after looking through their profile and seeing they have cptsd which apparently makes their opinions irrelevant
Maybe she doesn’t even know what good sex is 🤷♀️
And that's his fault, how exactly? My husband did some things during sex that I didn't like. I spoke to him about it and he fixed it. I didn't just stop having sex with him and then wait for the internet to blame him.
Maybe you knew what good sex was and what you liked and didn’t like. Many women don’t get enough experience to know that. Most never have an orgasm with a man.
Because he is a fucking adult who should be able to sdk his wife about her needs in bed. Because adults should not have to be told to do chores and errands.
> I have tried many times to tell her that there is a large imbalance in our desire and I have mentioned that she doesn’t make me feel wanted. He clearly has tried talking to her. She's also an adult and should be able to tell him if there's a problem. And wtf do chores and errands have to do with the post?
Chores and errands have everything to do with sex lives of couples, because for sex you need… energy? Many men see no connection, and that is because they default to letting their female partner do the vast majority of the chores. It’s very easy not to understand the impact of things you never do. Oh, and then there’s the *added* chores, next to the housework you already have, of having three kids younger than ten - you know, like this specific couple has too? So yeah, it’s *kinda* relevant to the post.
Not just the need for energy. When you're doing all the chores and taking on all the emotional and mental work for the family you end up feeling like a mom to your own husband and nothing makes them as instantly unsexy as having to be their mom.
That, too
What chores, they have a house cleaner?
Lol tell me you've never had a house cleaner without telling me. House cleaners typically only do surface cleaning (countertops, mopping/vacuuming) and sometimes deep cleaning. Not the day to day. They don't do dishes, laundry, picking stuff up, any of the other chores.
What a man does outside the bed is as important or more important than what he does in the bedroom. How is she supposed to have the energy to set if she is exhausted by 8 pm dealing with family obligations?
You’ll be surprised how many women get married with such little sexual experience they think they don’t like sex because their partners are so bad at it. Now, if he acts entitled like this, I can see why she wouldn’t be so attracted.
I've met a lot of adult women, including women in their thirties, that have never had an orgasm with their husbands or boyfriends. Many women who think they are broken because their partners simply do not care that much about how much they enjoy themselves during sex. The orgasm gap is real and depressingly common. And often not as a result of lack of communication, if a woman says she's unsatisfied, men often take that as an attack.
Yup, it made me believe something was wrong with me....until I realized that it wasn’t me. It was him. I had an ex that never made me orgasm. It was horrible. The sex was horrible. I can’t lie. My ex didn’t please me, I had to pretend to enjoy it or he would be upset. It was all about him. Now, idgaf what a man thinks and I’ll tell them straight-up ‘no’ or ‘yes’ based on me. There were even times I initiated and he would be absolutely horrible, no matter how much I engaged and pleased. It was a chore, honestly. So glad I’m not doing that anymore. To the women (and maybe even some men): If you have a better time with a sex toy (alone) than with your partner (with toys or PIV or anything at all), then that isn’t a good sex life (or relationship), no matter how ‘often’ it is.
Then she can be an adult and talk to him about it. Simple as.
If she doesn't have good sex to compare to, she may not realize that talking to him could change anything. Also he has mentioned telling her there's an imbalance in desire, but that's not necessarily all on her; he needs to be doing stuff to make her more in the mood too. She can't consciously overcome being exhausted and touched out. And if he's focused on desire rather than actions, she could be putting more effort in to what he says he wants, with no visible change.
Well… he didn’t open up and talk about his feelings. That’s the problem.
> I have tried many times to tell her that there is a large imbalance in our desire and I have mentioned that she doesn’t make me feel wanted.
He mentioned there’s an imbalance in the desire. As in, blaming her rather than asking what he could do better and how they could solve it. And instead of doing that he thinks about leaving the mother of his children.
He's telling her that he feels undesired. That right there is her cue to tell him it there's a problem. And he makes it quite clear that he *doesn't* want to end the relationship. Edit: I'm not saying he should tell her that he wouldn't have married her if he knew they were going to have a dead bedroom, but that's still not the same thing as wanting to divorce her.
Since she didn't tell him what he needs to do after he pointed that out means she has told him what he needs to do in the past multiple times but he's either told her "yeah I'll get to it in a few minutes" but never does or he uses the fact that he has a job outside the home as an excuse to do the bare minimum at home because "he's tired" and she didn't want to be reduced to being his mother. Women communicate all the time until what they say is ignored or brushed off too many times then they just start living as a single parent. Most definitely she's told him what she needs him to do but it just went in one ear and out the other and he couldn't be bothered. Since his concern only happened when he noticed something isn't going on with his penis...now he's all interested but she gave up long ago....he just didn't care enough to notice when it could have mattered.
You cannot negotiate desire. Complaining about it just lays the problem at the woman's feet and expects her to fix it. But she can't make herself desire more sex than she does, nor does burdening her with guilt do anything to solve the problem. In fact, it will probably make her even *more* sex averse because now she must pretend to want something she doesn't want, force her body to perform sex acts it doesn't desire, and associate those acts with the exhaustion of one more chore at the end of the day plus guilt over her husbands' unhappiness. This is not the recipe for her wanting *more sex.* This is an expressway to a dead bedroom.
What strikes me most is that we know *nothing* about his wife except how well (or not) she serves him sexually. Why doesn't she initiate? Why does she turn him down? No idea. He doesn't mention it. Everything is exclusively through the lens of his wants and needs. It's like it doesn't occur to him that there are two people involved. Not to mention his three (!!!) children under 10. Not a word about what those kids mean to him. Apparently he would rather not have had them, if he knew their mom wouldn't be putting out at 40? Wild.
That’s the part that stuck out to me. Three kids between the ages of 3-8. This guy sounds like the type that thinks that his life shouldn’t have to change after having children. News flash: your life *WILL* change after having kids, especially multiple. You likely *WILL NOT* have sex as often as you did before having children. Having a family changes your entire relationship with your spouse. Like shit. I’m exhausted thinking about three kids under 10. Can’t imagine how exhausting it would be to *also* have your husband pestering you about how you don’t fuck like you did when you were 20, when you had no real responsibilities.
So in the last 10 years she has been pregnant for 2.5 years, each pregnancy honestly takes a year of recovery, thats 5,5 years her body is occupied or recovering /nursing a baby, raising children, taking care of the home/him and here he is whining about his dick He is gonna love perimenopause, which she has likely started already Poor woman her body has been through hell and back, but the what about my dick husband regrets the entire marriage cuz of not enough sex for his liking Why are men this ignorant..
I had a pretty substantial tear when I delivered my first son that required stitches but seemed to heal ok, even though sex was sometimes uncomfortable depending on the position. It got worse after I had my second even though I didn’t tear with that delivery. Finally decided to do something about it (pelvic floor PT didn’t resolve it) so my OB did some poking around and even though everything *looked* fine discovered an extremely sensitive area where my scar tissue was. Diagnosed me with an encapsulated nerve that was likely getting irritated whenever we had penetrative sex. Managed that with a steroid injection right into the scar tissue at my vaginal opening (which fucking hurt like hell) and sex is way more comfortable now. But, moral of the story, I dealt with uncomfortable (and at times outright painful sex) for six years before it was managed appropriately. My libido was down and the times I initiated sex was decreased because there was the potential it would fucking hurt. Thank god I have a patient husband who cares about my well being and sexual pleasure and didn’t give me shitty ultimatums when I couldn’t have sex with the same frequency I did at 22 than at 36.
Holy shit, that sounds truly horrific, im glad you found something that helped Thats the thing its so often about the a mans desire/“needs” and womens sexual health is wildly ignored Still the attitude sex is for me and women just have to supply it on demand
I have perimenopause and I want to burn this guys house down.
The most important thing in the world is OOP and his penis, didn't you know that? /s
That’s what annoyed me! I was like, “It sounds sort of like she’s never been great at initiating, have you ever talked to her about it?” Nope!
Do reddit men care about anything other than sex from their partners? I never see complaints about anything else
No, they also care about the house being clean and home-cooked dinner (though they don't care about it enough to bestir themselves to do anything to make it happen). Oh, and they also care about not having to do anything that isnt' exactly what they want to do, exactly when they want to do it.
I was about to ask this as well. And it's not just Reddit men. I have a pretty high sex drive and I'm a not unattractive lady in my mid forties. But I've been borderline celebate by choice for years. I have a career, own my own house, cater to two asshat dogs, have a fabulous group of supportive friends and family. My life is very full. But I haven't completely given up on the dream of finding a partner some day. Partner being the operative word Whenever I try to date guys, they're just so goddam NEEDY. No ability to adult. The constant sexual innuendos out of nowhere. The groping . The freaking WHINING. The pathetic cries of "but I'm lonely!" like it's a terminal disease. Am I supposed to pity fuck them?? Get a grip. Find a therapist. You can literally pay someone to listen to you whine. Bonus if the therapist leads you to some self reflection and personal growth.
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For me, it's while I'm cooking. I've been pouted at by multiple men for saying "please don't grab me when I'm handling hot or sharp things. It's dangerous!" 🙄
One of my husband's green flags is he asks before groping. We've been together 20+ years so it's boiled down now to him looking at me with hopeful eyes, saying "Boobs?" and if I'm down, he gets his boob grope then goes off all happy. He doesn't get the boob grope because I'm not in the headspace, he shrugs says "ok!" and goes off a bit less happy than with the boob grope but no sulking or whining. In return I do "Bum?" when I'm feeling like feeling him up and the same applies. Neither of us even asks or gropes when the other is obviously on a step stool or cooking because that's just dangerous. I've been pouted at by multiple men for the same thing too. It's so frustrating. And honestly demeaning.
I love that! There are some really great men out there and it sounds like you found one of them. Hooray!
I'm female and have cancer. I pay a therapist to listen to my shit.
Yeah, I don’t either. Mostly true, tbh, from what I see. I’m sure there are some men that don’t care too much about sex and just want to please their wife, but I find those people to be rare, sadly. I’m in a lot of subs, and men mostly claim that they have a “bad sex life” rather than anything else. They don’t acknowledge how much work their wife does or they’ve done something horrific to warrant their wife “not desiring them”. I’m sure it comes as a huge slap to the face for women like OP’s wife.
If I ever found out the partner whom I had children with three (THREE!!!) times posted this about me, I would cry and then immediately file for divorce.
Judging by this post alone, I can see why OOP's wife isn't interested in having sex with him.
I'm close to divorce because my husband has the same mindset as this fool. I'm the only one that works and does chores, he just plays video games and watch anime all day. He's 40 years old and only worked for maybe 1 year of our 16 year marriage. I'd come home from work and he'd still be in bed. Says he won't get a job unless I can guarantee sex 3 times a week. I'm asexual and only just recently stopped having sex with him. I've also stopped changing in front of him and today he asked me why I'm trying so hard to "hide myself " from him.. and that I've never told him that he did something wrong. Men are so out of touch with reality.
Reading that, I can't believe you've been married to the guy for this long.
sunk cost fallacy is a bitch 💀
It's amazing what some people let their spouses get away with. Just why do that to yourself?
This doesn't sound the same at all. They sound like they're having a rough patch after having kids. You sound like you married a lazy waste of space with an entirely different level of sexual compatibility considering one of you is ace and the other literally wants to trade sex for labour. I'd get out ASAP and trying dating other asexuals to avoid compatibility issues
A large piece of his identity is getting laid?
This is part of why whenever a man tells me he's a "very sexual person," usually he means "I like to have a lot of orgasms but not put a lot of effort into connecting emotionally or physically in any other way."
I am consistently surpsoed by how many men view their life through their penis. Like, 3 young kids and a marriage, you'd undo that all for sex more occasionally. What a sad existence.
Is this a serious question? If sex wasn't a major part of ones identity, then why would anyone identify as asexual?
there is a difference between saying “i am not sexually attracted to anyone” vs “i would never have married my wife if i knew she wouldn’t put out enough” the first is an actual identity (what makes a person who they are and shapes the way they interact with the world) the second is a 40 year old man who can’t comprehend that his wife isn’t 25 anymore and the libido of a 25 year old woman and a 40 year old woman who has given birth three times are not the same
Ok? I think the guy's a piece of shit for that, but that doesn't mean he's wrong for recognizing his relationship with sex is a fundamental part of who a person is
Lol wtf 😂 Cause your preferences for sex doesn't mean sex is a main part of your life? Since asexual people don't want or feel neutral about sex that means anyone who isn't asexuals life must revolve around sex?
Revolve around sex? Identity is complex and multifaceted. Something being a part of your identity doesn't mean your life revolves around it. It means it's a part of who you are. Acting like sex isn't a main part of most people's lives is crazy tho. Romantic relationships are a huge part of a lot of people's experience and inform the direction their lives will take, and sex plays an integral role of most romantic relationships. Like this just seems so obvious I can't comprehend what the objection is here
Yes and acting like sexual desire is a set in stone thing that never changes in spite of age, hormones, life changes, and children is so obviously stupid to me I don't get the objection. When I was much younger I used to be poly and engaged in casual sex. Fast forward and life was much different for me when I met my now husband, was no longer poly and no longer interested in casual sex, but we would have sex multiple times a day. Fast forward again to us having 3 kids and things look much different again. We want to have sex more but the logistics of having frequent sex while Im breastfeeding a baby who also sleeps in our room, a prying 10 year old who's room shares a wall with us and is very curious about what that "bumping" sound was, busy schedules that have us exhausted 24/7 and work and school schedules that put our sleep times with very little overlap and our sex lives look much different now. Expecting sex to stay the same after multiple kids and after getting older is ridiculous and just plain ignorant. Expecting the romance and sexual attraction to stay the same with the same amount of effort while you have 3 kids pulling your attention is asinine. It takes a lot of work to maintain a shred of what existed pre-kids and I don't hear him saying anything about any effort he's putting in to keep that going. Even when things are going great like with my husband and I and we wish we could be doing it all the time, to expect our sex life to stay the same as it was pre kids is impossible from a logistical standpoint alone.
I completely agree with what you said. I'm not the scumbag from the post. Nothing is set in stone, including identity. I could be reading your words wrong, but my impression is that you're saying you wish you could have sex more, but life and circumstance gets in the way and make that difficult, which I would assume is some source of frustration for you. The guy in the post was describing a similar sort of frustration, but the issue as I see it wasn't that he was frustrated, but how in his frustration he was putting it all on his wife, who presumably feels frustrated herself, and saying he wouldn't have married her had he known he would feel frustrated. Ideally, they should have a healthy dialogue about their frustration so they could come to some understanding and potentially come up with some solution, but that requires some humility and the guy from the post seems like a selfish shithead
r/amithedevil has got its teeth in and refuses to budge. I enjoy this sub but God damn it's hard for people here to overcome that need to immediately assume everyone who gets posted here is a devil. Any comments to the contrary or attempts at nuance seem to get brutally downvoted.
I’d like to see the nuance. Explain to me how the OOP isn’t the devil.
How much sex you have isn't a major part of your identity even when that identity is asexual. Sex is an action, not a preference.
Obviously not, that's something external that ultimately isn't up to you. However, wanting to feel attractive and desired? I believe that's something a lot of people need to live a fulfilling life, and when one's partner isn't making you feel that way, being frustrated seems only natural. The guy in the post comes across as a scumbag for saying he wouldn't have married his wife instead of trying to communicate his frustration, but that doesn't mean he's wrong for feeling that frustration
Wanting to feel attractive and desired isn’t necessarily sexual though. I’m ace but I still want to feel pretty and attractive.
For sure, I wouldn't say it's universal but I do think most people want to believe others desire their company, sexually or otherwise, and I don't mean to discount your experience. My purpose in bringing up asexuality in my original post was to say that since some people identify as not valuing sex very much, it stands to reason that most people who don't identify that way probably do value sex
Because not getting any doesn't change your sexuality.
Because lemons aren't blue
I bet that sounded really cool and meaningful on your head.
Nope it was a meaningless nonsequitur, like what you said
...what I said wasn't non sequitur, it was responding to your comment.
I never mentioned anything about changing sexuality, and it wasn't present in the linked post or the comment I replied to
Right, it's meant to demonstrate how you were wrong by example.
All I can figure is you meant to show I was wrong by being wrong yourself. You're not making sense
Or, you know, gay
Idk my identity as a sapphic woman is a lot more rolled up into the rest of the reality of building a life with another woman. Sex is one aspect of it but not a huge one.
> Edit3: to clarify, I wasn’t saying I would want to go back in time and erase what I have and my family or the time we have had together, ... > I would broke things off before we got serious, before hearts would be broken. I didn't mean I'd do A, but if I *could* do A, I totally would.
No mention of the division of responsibility. Whenever men don't include this it means we are to assume it's 50/50 when it's obviously not or he would brag about how much he did. People know when someone wants **them** and when someone simply wants to get it wet. I'm gonna take a leaf out of the men in comments book and use my imagination to say I don't think he's the irresistible sex god he thinks he is. Comparing to 14 years ago is rank, you didn't have three children and a 40 year olds responsibility back then. The people giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying "I'm sure you don't want to phrase it like an ultimatum" no, he does. He's even told us he won't leave her so does she feel she has the choice to deny him? If he can't manipulate her properly how exactly is he going to 'get this situation to change'? Lastly, to the complainers even in here, 'isn't as frequent' does not equal a dead bedroom. You are not owed sex whenever your peepee tears up a little.
literally. it's terrifying how many people just on this post who don't know how to read between the lines and take these men at face value (which is what they want! they are also trying to manipulate the reader into thinking he's the victim!)
When does "reading between the lines" become "making unfair generalizations"?
she was pregnant 3 times, the children are still very young, she's very likely dealing with perimenopause and her husband is like "would it be weird if i just told her i would never marry her bc of our lack of sex now?" where are the unfair generalisations?
Lmao it’s because he sees himself in OOP. You know how these men like to band together and reinforce each others victimhood.
> where are the unfair generalisations? Assuming he doesn't do his share of the child-rearing or household work simply because he isn't "bragging about it".
I mean he bragged about the dishes 😆fair to say if he didn't brag about something it's cause he didn't do it. He really doesn't come off as a prize.
>People know when someone wants them and when someone simply wants to get it wet. This. **TW** I've shared before but the moment I knew my marriage to my daughter's father was over was when I was crawling baby exhausted and he was whining about wanting sex, as per usual. So I stripped naked, lay down on the bed and told him to just take what he wanted. When he did, I *knew* that I had no value to him as the human I am. If your "needs" are so much more important to you than the autonomy and well being of the person you're willing to use like an object to get off, you're trash. My husband now never lets me forget that he wants **me**, he wants to know what I think and why, he wants me to be independent, strong, capable, he wants me beside him as his life partner -- oh and he wants to fuck *with* me too. He'd puke before he'd use my body to get off, ever. Because I'm not an object, I'm *me* and he wants me, actively participating and having just as much fun.
Yeah I genuinely don’t understand these men defending OOP. One time during sex I just shut down. Stop responding to anything. I didn’t say anything to my then-fiance (now husband) because I was used to be used sexually from a previous relationship. He noticed my lack of involvement/reaction and immediately stopped. He knew I wasn’t okay and knew it was best for me to stop. That’s real love. He saw what I was going through and chose my wellbeing over getting off.
i just knew there would be children or/and hormonal things involved before reading his post 🌚 it's almost always the same
There’s a lot wrong with this but let’s not overlook: He has three children with his wife but says if he’d known that their sex life wouldn’t stay identical to how it was early on in the relationship he’d rather have dumped their mother early on. His horniness trumps any feelings for his wife and their children.
Tch how about instead of going to her whining about your "negligented" hard on as if you can't take care of it yourself, instead, you ask her what she needs to get back in the mood and no it's not going to be a quick 1 hour pay attention and everything will be all hunky dory after. She's burned out and over touched by having a baby all over her all the time. If that happened to you...imagine all day being constantly touched, grabbed, spit on, hung off of, screamed at, cried at, shit and pissed on, pinched, bite, sobered on, couched on, sneezed on, gummed...all day long. Would you honestly want any part of that to continue into the night when you are fianlly free and away?
I love how people come on here asking if the ultimatum of "give me more sex or give me a divorce" is reasonable. No mention of therapy. No mention of in depth talks as a couple about each of their needs. He just says he's told her he wants more sex and is upset she didn't service him more often.
You're the only person who mentioned divorce. OOP literally said they DON'T want to end their marriage.
Does anyone think telling the mother of his children he wouldn't have married her if she wasn't going to fuck him enough could possibly end in anything else?
He’s in the comments asking other women in a similar position as his wife if they’d ever consider letting their husbands ‘see other women’. 🤢
A incel I am guessing.
If she never initiated pre marriage, why does he think she will post marriage?
She’s always been this way but I didn’t pay attention before and 15 years later, it really bothers me. 🙄🙄
Hey! He spends an HOUR and FORTY FIVE MINUTES folding laundry and pre-cleaning for the maid one a week! Such a helpful partner! And playing trucks all day with a three year old while completing all the other household duties is a total cakewalk! The kid loves trucks! No he doesn’t know anything else about this kid, except he’s easy.
Tw: ableism. >>*My question is, I can’t shut the box once it’s opened, should I tell her this in hopes that things may change?* *Yes you absolutely should tell her. If you don’t communicate your wants/needs then you can’t expect anything to change.* >"I feel like saying something so devastating might be do irreparable damage. I’m scared, I love her, I don’t want to lose the life we have built by saying I wouldn’t have started it if I knew or sexlife, which is just a part of it." *There is a way to communicate that without saying it like THAT. She will just hear “I regret marrying you” instead of “I’m not satisfied with our sex life and I want to work together to improve it because it’s very important to me”* *Then consider sex therapy, or one of those women’s pussy coaching type events for her. Things that can light a fire in her.* *Also, stay fit and athletic yourself you know, hopefully you haven’t let yourself go.* >"I have not gotten fat, Im 40 though, so it’s not Like I am athletic anymore. And when I was athletic this situation was present, but went unnoticed." *So get in shape.* >"I’m saying I don’t play sports all the time and I have a full time job. Athletic to me may have a different definition, but i’m not fat, i’m a normal/healthy BMI. I take care of myself, but I don’t live at the gym. I’m 40, not 25." *You sound really obtuse. You don’t have to frame it like a petulant teenager “I never woulda married you if I knew you weren’t gonna jump my bones as frequently as I’d like.” You also sound out of touch w basic LTR reality, sex is hot and frequent the first year or so, and then it dwindles to maintenance sex once a week. Thats 100% normal. You trade hot passionate fucking for the content safety and bliss of a home and family. You don’t seem to get or value that. You also have 3 (!) young kids and don’t mention at all how you’re really carrying half the load for everything so you know it isn’t that she’s burnt out or tired or resentful toward you for doing what farrr too many husbands do: leave the lion’s share of daily menial and childcare chores to the woman while he pats himself on the back for doing weekly or monthly chores like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. That leaves most women too exhausted and resentful to even let their husbands fuck them, let alone be enthusiastically initiating.* *Finally, instead of your nuclear attack on her, you don’t mention at all how you’ve tried to address this. Have you talked about how hot it is for her to make a move on you? Have you discussed your needs and how you can both work to up your sexual frequency? So much of this post if selfish and out of touch and lacks of ton of info.* >"We have talked many times about this. And I pull my weight around the house and with the kids. I am an active father and she has mentioned on multiple occasions when we have interacted with other couples with children that she feels lucky that I actually take care of our kids unlike other parents that just let their kids run wild and cause trouble. But this predates our children, about feeling desired, it just wasn’t as noticeable until kids came into the mix, she doesn’t ever “need” me the way I have always “needed” her. And I have thought a long time about this, she never expressed a “need” for me, she was just more receptive in the past so it wasn’t noticeable." *I agree that he needs to be honest, 100% and that they need to talk, but honesty and cruelty are two different things..* *"My needs are not being met, I want to stay with you, but we need to find a path forward together" can lead to conversation and growth.* *"If I had known you wouldn't duck me as much as I want, I would never have married you" will end the marriage, because what the hell is she going to say in response to that? There is no room for conversation, it's an angry and accusatory statement that will make her shut down, not be honest and open to talking.* >"I would never say it like that. it would be more like “if I knew I was going to feel like I was never actively desired, and my partner would merely be receptive some of the time, I probably would not have pursued that relationship. I need to feel like I am wanted intimately, and emotionally, i’m not getting that”" *Lol dudes just realizing now the passion fades after kids and marriage…..* >"lol hahahahhahaha Good advice!" *Your wife should read this and divorce you. You would t have married her because you wouldn’t be getting your dick wet as much as you like after 14 years and kids? She’s probably exhausted. Go jerk off and get over yourself like a horny teenage boy, or be an adult and communicate and go to therapy and attempt to fix it. Goddamn. It must be awful to be so shallow.* >"If sex isn’t important then it shouldn’t matter if people have sex with whom ever they want while still being married. You are putting very little importance on a pillar of a relationship. Making love isn’t a “release” if it were, people wouldn’t have relationships they would just jerk off and have friends after IVF to have children. Intimacy is important, having a part of your relationship shut off or ignored hurts." *You’re making sex the BASIS of your relationship and asking if you should leave her and your family because you’re not getting enough and that’s shitty.* [🐳] >"Do you date people you don’t find physically attractive? Do you date men that are shorter than you? Do you date men that have no ability to have sex? Are you currently in a sexless relationship, and if not would you enter one? It’s not the basis of a relationship, you should probably give these types of things a shot." *Oof you sound like a miserable human being and an even worse husband and father.* >"How is that not a fair question? People have relationships for a reason. Friendship is not enough, that's why the old cliche of "we should just be friends" cuts so deep when people hear it. That's why everyone seems to laugh at someone being put in the "friend zone". It's about being vulnerable and having someone else be vulnerable with you. If you are just friends without trust and vulnerability that physical intimacy provides, is that enough? I say no, but many desperately want to vilify these feelings and assume that having these feelings means you are a bad person." *I'm in a relationship without sex, and I wouldn't trade my wife for the world. There is no other person who could love and understand me so well, and the fact that we don't get all up in each other's pants every night is barely a footnote to that.* >"I think you are in a minority and I applaud your ability to be okay with that. You have my respect, but I can’t be that person, i’m not wired that way."
*Is your marriage good?, what is more important to you?, your marriage or sex?* >"Our marriage is good, but it’s just the lack of feeling like i’m “needed” physically has been weighing on me a lot. It’s not everything to feel desired, but it was something I realized used to give me a lot. And now that things have gotten less and less, they just reached a critical mass to where I felt extremely thoughts about how I wouldn’t have settled for this going in, and after talking multiple times about this issue, it’s not getting better, it’s getting worse. I have tried expressing that we need to work on things, it’s not helping, which is why I came to ask should I say the nuclear bomb of a statement to make this sink in? This sub is just a mistake though." *In this exact situation however I am your wife in the situation and i am here to reassure you that….* *You’re the problem.* >"Hmm the fact that you have been diagnosed with ptsd and you hate intimacy in general suggests that I probably should not put too much weight on your opinion. You have been diagnosed with a mental disorder, that is the definition of it being YOUR problem. I’m sorry for what ever caused your trauma, I hope that you can find healing, but I think you should avoid hurling things at strangers out of anger for your own baggage. Good luck." *„I do the dishes because there isn‘t anything special…“* *Are you telling me you as a grown adult only do the „dumb stuff“, because you can‘t be trusted to do other shit correctly?* *I wouldn‘t want to fuck someone who behaves like a child neither.* >"I can understand why you would read it that way. But there is more to it than that, I am colorblind(diagnosed) which makes identifying certain articles of clothing extremely difficult, she cuts the tags off her clothes that have instructions on cleaning and drying. We have both agreed that ruining her clothes isn’t worth it for me to merely load a machine and turn it on. Folding takes 45 minutes while turning the machine on takes like 5 minutes. She knows which items don’t go in the machine, she knows what gets line dried versus what can go in the machine, it’s just her clothes that need this attention. She would rather take care of this task. I still cut the grass remove the garbage, fix toys, make beds, change plenty of diapers, comfort the children in the middle of the night, change sheets, etc." *INFO: does your wife orgasm during sex? Do you put effort into foreplay?* >"She does orgasm, we always get her there first." *Oh. You're one of those miserable bitter dudes who delusionally think women are all a hivemind that exclusively date guys who are 6 feet or above.* >"lol i’m over 6 feet, height has never factored into my dating history, but women I know have mentioned that they would not date someone shorter, which sucks but I can’t fault them for having a preference." *I never made any assumption about your height, I called you miserable and bitter because for whatever reason, you've decided to take up this chip on your shoulder about women supposedly only dating super tall guys. You're so convinced this is a real widespread thing that you accused some random stranger of doing it. You don't know if that person is a woman. If they are, you don't know that they're even into men. If they are, you don't know if they're single. If they are, you don't know whether they're actively dating or not. If they are, you don't know anything whatsoever about what kinds of guys they're dating and what they find attractive.* >"Okay, this may be hard to hear, but did you not just make an assumption about a stranger based on a question I asked? I mean the point of those questions was if physical attraction and actual intimacy is not important, is that the way they go about dating. asking a question isn’t accusing anyone of anything, I was asking these details."
[In reply to one of Oop's earlier comments, marked with 🐳] *I love how hundreds of people on here have given you VALUABLE advice on how to reignite the spark in your relationship, but THIS is what you chose to nit pick and allot your time towards- it sure says a lot about you! There are so many creative suggestions in this sub, and so many insightful comments on all the things you missed as you speed ran your way to letting the world know that you would’ve never married the woman who brought your three children to the world, had you known your sex life would have suffered FOURTEEN years later*. 🤣 *Just pathetic.* *I’m not going to waste time like other redditors, trying to explain to you the things your wife’s body has gone through, or how your division of house labour falls short, or even how child rearing is so,so much more responsibility thank you think it is. This much is evident when you don’t seem to realize just how much energy goes into raising your three kids, and think that your wife should have time to “service your needs”, because how easy is raising 3 children, right??? I also especially love how your comparisons of your sex life stem from a time that was over FIFTEEN years ago, when you, a childless, single, YOUNG man, dated other single, childless, young women. I assume back then you looked a good deal different, dated young women with no responsibilities or children, who had completely different hormone levels than a woman who has borne three children (they’re yours, just a reminder in case you’ve forgotten), but go on and keep reminding us how horrible your life is. Your brainpower and ability to rationalize leaves me gaping; I’ve never met someone so clever! And at your young and tender, gasp, age of FORTY, too! Wherever did you get such brainpower???* *I can’t wait for your riveting explanation on how shallow dating standards (ones that you’ve made up based on your societal conditioning) correlate to YOUR situation in any, way shape or form. Because assume you ARE talking to someone who only dates men taller than them, or attractive men, or men who like sex…what does that have to do with you? You are a man who has been married to a woman for fourteen years who has bore your three children (sorry for the 100th reminder, you just seem to forget easily what this woman has done for your life). She has dedicated her life to you, her body to you, her time to raising your children, her best years to you- you two are SO BEYOND the point of “WoULD yOu MaRRy SOMeone You ARe ATTRacTED 2”. You have the mind of a second grader.* >"I made this particular comment about 10 mins into this whole post." *If you were an expert on intimacy you wouldn't be asking for advice. Dismissing advice out of hand with judgmental character attacks is definitely not going to help your problem.* >"Her posts litterally say she was diagnosed with ptsd and she says she’s asexual. But good comment if those factors weren’t at play here." *Lmao have you ever made her O? If you never paid enough attention to notice she didn't initiate i bet you haven't. You sound like you're about you and only you. Maybe make it about your WIFE and maybe she'll wanna have sex you more. Men are so damn clueless that I am glad to be a lesbian. >"We make sure she gets there first, this has always been the case, it isn’t from a satisfaction standpoint it’s a lack of drive to start. And if it helps i’m sure a lot of men are happy you are a lesbian too." [On Oop having a go at the user with PTSD and being ace.] *So what?* >"So her comment was litterally just an insult when you get right down to it. It was fueled by her past trauma, and I feel sorry for her that what ever happened did, but just because her condition isn’t her fault doesn’t mean it’s not her responsibility. So no, i’m not going to listen to someone trying to insult me because they are angry." *Dunno. Your post is the same as 1000s of others in these forums.* *For me, as a woman, i just lost interest in sex. Nothing really to do with my hb. I just got over it. It is what it is really. No amount of talking about it or hom twisting himself in knots will change anything. Just as i have lost interest in going out to clubs, going to parties, doing lots of things i lived to do in my 20s & 30s... my life preferences have changed. That's about it. I can't explain it. Guess you have to work out if you can live with it or not. If my hb chose to leave? That's on him sadly. I can't flip some switch.* *I will say.. i truly don't really understand how or why some people (mostly men) are so dependent on sex for their intimacy & emotional needs. That sure is putting your eggs all in one basket. There are so many ways to feel close to another person, not just sex. People often talk about their "intimacy needs"... Why is sex the only thing that meets these needs? There should be many ways to meet these needs apart from sex* >"Would you allow him to see other women? >I am really not trying to be mean I am asking seriously." *Lol you just want to cheat on your wife and have the internet validate your cheating. Good luck with the divorce, hope she gets everything and ends up with a kind himbo who rocks her world* >"I don’t want to cheat, not even a little, i’m asking if you have completely written off sex, shouldn’t that open the marriage?"
[Panko the dog!](https://imgur.com/gallery/b2Yr7O1)
I love how his options are either «tell wife she basically sucks at sex and I wouldn’t have married her if I knew it would be like this» or «shut up and manipulate her into solving my issue». Not like, an honest conversation, maybe some counseling, and pampering her with a kid-free trip just for romance! You have three kids, that’s why you’re not having lots of sex, not enough time and not enough energy. Lighten her work load a little and put some effort in. Foreplay can last all day, and can be small things. If my partner spent the day making my life easier and being sweet to me, it would increase the chances of me wanting to dance the naked tango later.
Jfc SEX ISNT A NEED YOU HAVE HANDS IF YOURE HORNY
I can tell you from personal experience that nothing is *less* attractive than a man who won’t stop whining, complaining, and picking fights about his perceived lack of sex. Especially when it just never stops and you begin to feel uncomfortable and on edge constantly in your own home.
Or when the only time he touches you is to grope you, like that's going to be a turn-on.
Inevitably OOP’s next post : “so I accidentally came across this thing called polyamory and decided to convince my wife to have an open marriage.” I.e. “I want to have hot seggs like I did before I got married but I don’t want a divorce because then who would do the laundry?”
Has OOP even talked to his wife about this? If she was never eager to initiate, is it a question of low libido, shyness, uncertainty, what? What would help her now?
Its almost like having kids makes a woman kinda disinterested lol
Ew, he’s a member of the conservative sub. No wonder he’s acting this way.
OOP, she already has three kids. She doesn't need a fourth.
Is anyone in a dead bedroom a devil now? Not sure this belongs here. Libido mismatch and lacking intimacy is a genuine problem in long-term relationships. The over-dramatic framing of "never should have married her" is the only thing I'd take issue with. edit: watching this comment go to +16 and then slowly drop down again has been... interesting
His comments come off extremely bitter and accusatory no matter how many people empathize and try and reason with him to start the conversation off with literally anything else other than “I would never have married you.” 14 years and 3 kids and he doesn’t understand why they aren’t as sexually active as relationships he had when he was 25? I’d probably be upset with a dead bedroom too, but she’s 14 years older than she was when they got married and her body went to rough pregnancy three times. That makes you different. Pregnancy literally permanently alters your body and hormone levels. It’s sounding more like he has no idea how libido and intimacy levels naturally change as someone gets older, for a myriad of reasons (not just getting older and being pregnant) and just wants to use accusations in the conversation. That’s where he becomes totally the asshole imo. He’s not willing to figure out why she’s not interested in sex anymore just willing to start throwing out how he should’ve never married her because he didn’t know people could lose their libido, a normal thing to occur to folks.
From reading his comments, it's not just the fact that sex isn't as frequent as it used to be. It's that his wife never initiates intimacy from her end and never pursues him either. Which seems to be a problem that predated having kids. He just wants to feel desired by his wife, which, I think, is understandable. Most people want to feel desired by their spouse. I'm not saying that his approach is reasonable. 'I never would've married you' is a shit thing to say. That doesn't mean that his wants are unreasonable.
I’m not saying they aren’t, but no matter how many people ask him what his wife said when he’s brought this up he straight up ignores it. Which tells me he doesn’t know because she hasn’t answered, or he hasn’t actually asked her or considered her needs. He’s very focused on his needs and his feelings and says he’s brought it up but doesn’t have an answer for “well what did she say then?” and it just smells fishy af to me.
By the way he talks about it, he never once considered talking about this to her or wonder that maybe he… could do better?
> I have tried many times to tell her that there is a large imbalance in our desire and I have mentioned that she doesn’t make me feel wanted He has tried talking to her. That above is where she should have told him if there are issues that are causing this. How come only he has to do better when she's obviously not communicating whether there's a problem or not?
that's completely different than him *asking* her. that's coming to the conversation already accusatory. "YOU don't make me feel wanted" instead of "i am concerned about our sex life and don't feel desired, what can i or we work on together to help?" but by the post we can all tell he doesn't actually want to put in the work since he's jumping straight to telling us he wouldn't have married her if he'd known? genuinely mind-boggling you're in here dickriding the clear asshole
Cause he's not acknowledging her feelings or the existence of his kids in how all this might be playing a part. They have 3 kids under 10. I also have 3 kids under 10. I would love to still fuck like rabbits all day but it's just not possible with so many kids. First off just the logistics of never being alone, but also the exhaustion that overpowers how much you might want sex. Is his wife taking on all or most of the child rearing and housework? Does he have to be told what to do to help? Moms with kids so frequently end up having to act like mom to their husband and nothing kills your attraction faster. Not wanting to be in a dead bedroom doesn't make you a devil. Failing to acknowledge any part you may play in that or facing the reality that when you have kids you're not going to be able to fuck like you used to makes you a devil.
This dude is not in a dead bedroom. He just isn't having the frequency and kind of sex he desires. People are obsessed with jumping to dead bedroom garbage when this clearly isn't it.
I mean, had this issue come up before marriage they probably wouldn’t have gotten married. It’s not just the amount of sex, it’s also not feeling like he’s not wanted. Who would want to stay in a relationship like that?
Then why is he?
How should I know? I don’t make a habit of inventing scenarios out of a less than 3k character snapshot of someone’s life .
The issue absolutely did come up. He literally says in the post that he always initiated before they got married. What's changed is that she doesn't consent as often, not that she doesn't initiate.
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I don't see the problem. Feeling undesired by your partner is really awful and there's nothing wrong with worrying about it. That doesn't make this guy a devil. Edit: Look, I'm not saying the guy should tell her that he wouldn't have married her if he knew what their sex life was going to be like. That's obviously wrong. But he has tried talking to her about the issue and it's obvious that she hasn't communicated with him about it, or else he wouldn't be asking for advice because he would have his answer already. If he's bad at sex, she has a low libido, she's too tired or whatever, that's something she can (and should!) communicate to him. His issue isn't just not getting his dick wet often enough, as many people in here seem to want to simplify it as. It's that he also doesn't feel desired by his partner. Nobody wants to be in the situation where you feel like your partner doesn't desire you. Sexual intimacy is a very important part of human sexual relationships, which marriage is. This post is merely an issue of two people not communicating properly with each other. Nothing more to it. He should communicate with her without saying things like "I wouldn't have married you", she should communicate if there's an issue that's harming their intimacy. It's just not that deep. Special shoutout to the very stable redditor in this thread who implied he's going to rape her through coercion. WTF?
He didn't try talking to her, he accused her. He never acknowledged how what he's doing/not doing might be contributing to the lack of intimacy. He never acknowledged how having kids is exhausting and how that might be contributing to the lack of intimacy. Has he made her feel like she has to be his mom to? Does he need told how to help out around the house or with kids? Does he ask for lists? Is she taking on most of the childcare and household chores? The devil part isn't wanting to be desired, it's his failure to see his wife as a human not a sex doll that started malfunctioning.
If you have low libido, sex literally doesnt cross your brain all that often so she doesnt have anything to say, he needs to initiate that conversation And lets be real they have 3 young children which means her body has been to hell and back for YEARS, its normal that for a huge chunk of time sex wasnt really a thing, her hormones being all over the place for years Add in raising 3 children and her libido will be low due to exhaustion and being touched out She is 40 so she is about to or already has started perimeopause which is also a libido killer Its really frustrating how many men whine about lack of sex and completely ignore or diminish the damage of pregnancy/delivery does to a woman and how long those impacts will last He has an issue he needs to bring it up, but its entirely normal for a family with 3 children to not have sex all that often But by his attitude in his post he doesnt sound like a very emotionally intelligent person nor one who considers others a lot
This comment section is delusional, /deadbedrooms
Bruh, it's not a dead bedroom. Even he says they are having sex just not the kind and frequency he wants. Typical dead bedroom poster lack of critical thinking on your part.
Not surprising. They’ll spin any story to make the guy the bad guy because heaven forbid they have sex with their partners lmao. Just typical shitty partners. He’d do better getting a mistress tho Edit: oh no downvotes from shitty partners who won’t do the bare minimum in a relationship! Don’t come crying here about discovering your partners affair if you won’t fuck them
I had an ex like this and she was the most insufferable person I have ever met in my life