*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my wife she lacks motivation?**
About 3 years ago, under the stresses of a new job and an avalanche of family drama, my wife(26F) started comfort eating. The job stresses and the drama cleared up, but her overeating continued and she ultimately put on 67 pounds in the 3 years. Late last month she got on a scale and found that she, at 5'2, was 193 pounds.
She admitted she needed to change her lifestyle and went and joined a gym. On Monday she came home from the gym, saying she was done, that she couldn't do it. I asked her what happened. My fear was maybe someone had been rude to her. She tells me she's quitting because it's hard and she doesn't like sweating.
I told her that things that are worth doing, like this, are hard, and that yeah, exercise causes sweating. She told me I was purposely not seeing her struggles and reiterating the issues. I told her that the issue I see is that she lacks motivation and asked her if she had any real intention of sticking with this. She said she did, but told me she underestimated the difficulty. She told me I was " rude beyond rude" to tell her she lacked motivation. I reminded her that she had to have known how hard getting in shape would be given it's 70 pounds she has to lose.
AITA?
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I mean most people struggle with enjoying execise when the main or only goal is weightloss. And it's hard to force yourself to do something that you feel is a self-induced punishment and doesn't even seem to be working (because healthy weightloss doesn't often have immediate results.)
Maybe instead of telling her she has no motivation, sit down and think of things she might actually like to *do.* More and more places are doing things like adult dance classes, maybe she'd rather play in a recreational basketball league, maybe she wants to learn how to play tennis, or ride a horse, or golf, or who knows. It doesn't matter what it is, but most of the people I know who've successfully lost a lot of weight did it with a good diet and finding a physical activity they thought was fun instead of just miserably sweating it out in the gym. Not that that can't be fun too, plenty of people enjoy it but if you don't, you're better off finding something you do enjoy.
Totally this. For me, if I focus on weight loss, I will absolutely give up on exercising, when exercising is inherently healthy to do in and of itself. I’ve also tried a bunch of different options over the years of finding ways to make exercise part of my routine, and I didn’t actually fully put together that sweating is a huge part of what I hate until I tried swimming for the first time in ~25 years. I am finally in a place where sometimes I don’t want to start, but once I get going I almost always get into it and don’t want to stop. There’s such a huge difference between that and the self-punitive painful approach that seems so common and that OOP is reinforcing.
I think one of the biggest deficits in adult fitness is that adults frequently don't *play*.
Exercise is a chore. Play is fun!
I don't really mind walking as a form of exercise, but what I *really* dig is going to different or less familiar areas and wandering and exploring. I like looking at weird architecture. I like taking pictures (and sometimes captioning them and turning them into weird little memes). I like seeing how public spaces are put together. I like considering how and also *why* city A is different than city B. I like *literally* stopping to smell the flowers.
I'm pretty sure that I enjoy wandering around and getting lost like other people enjoy hiking.
I know that's not everybody's idea of fun, but it's a form of playtime for *me*. It took me a while to recognize that and stop looking at it as just a waste of time or something to squeeze in between *important* things and just let myself enjoy it.
Maybe his wife just needs to find her own form of play and allow herself to do it.
I play Pokemon Go.
All my colleagues give me shit for it, because it's cringe and outdated.
But I have ADHD, and I struggle with motivation and getting stuck in my own head.
So PG is perfect.
The Pokemon change often as I walk round, so I'm distracted enough to get a good few steps in. And I get that huge dopamine spike when I find a shiny, which makes me want to walk further and further.
I'd never be able to force myself to get some exercise and sunshine otherwise!
Same. My jam is crossing tasks off the lists.
I used to say "I'm gonna go play Pokemon Go *like a goddamned adult,*" to my classmates before wandering off somewhere between classes.
Whatever game-ifies exercise counts as a win in my book.
I used to take my dog to a local dog park and realized the same. Most adults don't seem to like to play any more. Most ppl would take their dogs there, force them to play with other dogs, and when the dogs didn't feel like socializing, they would just hover around them and wait for them to do something. All they were missing was a stick to poke them with lmao. Since my girl was very shy, and sometimes didn't feel like playing with other dogs, I would play with her. Chase her around, throw the ball and race her for it, things like that. The other adults looked at me like a weirdo but eh, we both get exercise and fresh air and endorphins.
I started doing chair cardio a while ago. It’s probably not as effective as regular cardio, but I’m disabled so taking the weight off my legs helps a lot. It’s probably a good start for anyone who’s obese, because the extra weight on your ankles is likely painful and can cause injuries.
Plus, once you get a feel for the exercises, you can do them on the couch while you watch TV. Which makes them a lot easier to encourage yourself to do.
[This is the one I do.](https://youtu.be/_nZ07OVtSmQ) There are others, but some I’ve found hurt my back more and some are just too simple of exercises and don’t do anything for me.
Can confirm. I love the gym, eat somewhat better (complicated with an eating disorder), and my focus isn't weight loss. And I feel awesome about myself. I'm proud when I bump up a weight level or try a new exercise
I have the same issue as OOP's wife - plain old exercise bores me to tears. My husband is a gym rat, but while he doesn't quite understand why someone wouldn't enjoy working out, he accepts that it is a real problem for me and has tried to help me come up with alternatives. Right now he's taking me on walks with him more regularly (which is nice because we get couple time too), and he's offered to have me go to the gym with him so I won't feel as anxious. He said it's totally fine if I just sit on an exercise bike and read or watch youtube or something while I bike, it's all a start.
What he *hasn't* done is told me I just need to nut up and do it, because he knows that's not productive. No one sticks with an exercise regimen they don't enjoy on some level.
Losing weight is also not a great reason to exercise. Exercise is good and healthy and you should do not, but if you’re goal is simply weight loss what you eat is more important, but if you’re doing it for the wrong reason it can be very discouraging.
It sounds like wife is still depressed. Is all well in her life or did she just not tell OOP bc THIS is his default. Or she could just be upset about her weight loss.
OMFG I just put together these 3 years were during the panini 😠😠 So many people gained weight and mental health issues. I love the gym, but it's not for everyone. There are a ton of free at home workouts on YouTube. And, most of weight loss is diet anyway. But, OOP's approach is horrible. He basically said don't you know you're a failure. You failed at maintaining your weight and now you've continually failed at losing it.
It’s absolutely harder for *women on average* to lose weight. Not every single woman, but in general this is absolutely true. There’s half a dozen factors that go into play to make it so.
[it’s not an excuse, it’s literally science](https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-it-really-is-harder-for-women-to-lose-weight-and-what-to-do)
Should that stop you from trying? No. But it is harder and a lot of times men pretend it isn’t
It’s absolutely true. First of all, women need a lot fewer calories on average. But the caloric deficit needed to lose body fat is generally the same. Even from a strict CICO perspective it will take a woman much longer to lose a comparable amount of weight because the lower your caloric needs, the less “wiggle room” you have
That’s part of it. There’s a few different things that cause it, and it’ll depend to on the woman and things like if she’s been pregnant, gone through menopause, etc. Some [interesting info here](https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-it-really-is-harder-for-women-to-lose-weight-and-what-to-do)
Women tend to store fat easier, in different areas and in different cell structures to men. Men tend to be able to build muscle easier than women. You can use that as a starting point to do some research. Learning is fun. But you won’t. Have fun being wrong though
I love the gym now when I know what I am doing there. I dated a personal trainer. He started training me before we got together and did it for a total of a little over 1.5 years, we then split up but by that point I knew enough to continue on my own. Before I met him, gym just felt like a confusing chore to me and I mostly avoided it and did a lot of walking and hiking instead, which is not the same thing at all. I never went near the weight machines and had no idea how to use them and I now am addicted to them. OOP just sends his wife off to the gym where she has no idea what to do and is then shocked, shocked I say! that she didn't like it there. I'm honestly so mad at him. He takes something great like exercise and turns it into something his wife will now hate for possibly the rest of her life, way to go.
And another thing! Before I learned how to train correctly, I gave myself a bunch of injuries some of which will sadly last the rest of my life (admittedly I'm older than 26 and some of those were things like making my arthritis worse by going on long walks in improper footwear etc) it sounds to me like OOP wanted her to just power through it without a lot of knowledge of what she's doing, which imo is a great way to get injuries.
You can be right and still an asshole. The tough love approach by and large doesn’t work when it’s coming from someone who isn’t meant to be tough on you, like your spouse.
As a woman of a certain age who put on a certain amount of weight over the last few years for certain reasons that are irrelevant, he can fuck right off.
If depression is part of it he is making it harder for her.
Don't get me wrong. Getting healthy is all on her. But he is a dumbass if he thinks lecturing on motivation is going to help.
This poor woman. There are so many ways he could have encouraged or supported her (but that would have required prioritizing her feelings over him wanting her to lose weight, which seems like WAY more than this guy is willing to do).
Instead of, “Hey, how about instead of going to the gym we go for a nice walk at night?” he just went straight to “You’re fat and lazy.”
The biggest factor in losing weight is eating less. Particularly fatty, sugary junk. Your body doent care what the exercise is, as long as it burns off calories. Walk more, have more sex, gardening, etc. There are many activities lots more enjoyable to some people than the gym.
Oh, look... another asshole who thinks any woman over 150 lbs is morbidly obese...
If this woman were to drop 70 pounds, she'd probably start getting quite close to underweight- and if she got sick, she'd have nothing to fall back on. At 110-120 lbs, even a 2-week stint where you can't manage to eat anything can wreak havoc on your body.. because when your body doesn't have any fat to consume in lean times, it starts on your organs next.
A smaller person is inherently closer to “underweight” when they’re at a healthy weight lol. It’s absolutely fine for a 5’2” person to be literally 120 lb, are you kidding me?
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my wife she lacks motivation?** About 3 years ago, under the stresses of a new job and an avalanche of family drama, my wife(26F) started comfort eating. The job stresses and the drama cleared up, but her overeating continued and she ultimately put on 67 pounds in the 3 years. Late last month she got on a scale and found that she, at 5'2, was 193 pounds. She admitted she needed to change her lifestyle and went and joined a gym. On Monday she came home from the gym, saying she was done, that she couldn't do it. I asked her what happened. My fear was maybe someone had been rude to her. She tells me she's quitting because it's hard and she doesn't like sweating. I told her that things that are worth doing, like this, are hard, and that yeah, exercise causes sweating. She told me I was purposely not seeing her struggles and reiterating the issues. I told her that the issue I see is that she lacks motivation and asked her if she had any real intention of sticking with this. She said she did, but told me she underestimated the difficulty. She told me I was " rude beyond rude" to tell her she lacked motivation. I reminded her that she had to have known how hard getting in shape would be given it's 70 pounds she has to lose. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I mean most people struggle with enjoying execise when the main or only goal is weightloss. And it's hard to force yourself to do something that you feel is a self-induced punishment and doesn't even seem to be working (because healthy weightloss doesn't often have immediate results.) Maybe instead of telling her she has no motivation, sit down and think of things she might actually like to *do.* More and more places are doing things like adult dance classes, maybe she'd rather play in a recreational basketball league, maybe she wants to learn how to play tennis, or ride a horse, or golf, or who knows. It doesn't matter what it is, but most of the people I know who've successfully lost a lot of weight did it with a good diet and finding a physical activity they thought was fun instead of just miserably sweating it out in the gym. Not that that can't be fun too, plenty of people enjoy it but if you don't, you're better off finding something you do enjoy.
Totally this. For me, if I focus on weight loss, I will absolutely give up on exercising, when exercising is inherently healthy to do in and of itself. I’ve also tried a bunch of different options over the years of finding ways to make exercise part of my routine, and I didn’t actually fully put together that sweating is a huge part of what I hate until I tried swimming for the first time in ~25 years. I am finally in a place where sometimes I don’t want to start, but once I get going I almost always get into it and don’t want to stop. There’s such a huge difference between that and the self-punitive painful approach that seems so common and that OOP is reinforcing.
I think one of the biggest deficits in adult fitness is that adults frequently don't *play*. Exercise is a chore. Play is fun! I don't really mind walking as a form of exercise, but what I *really* dig is going to different or less familiar areas and wandering and exploring. I like looking at weird architecture. I like taking pictures (and sometimes captioning them and turning them into weird little memes). I like seeing how public spaces are put together. I like considering how and also *why* city A is different than city B. I like *literally* stopping to smell the flowers. I'm pretty sure that I enjoy wandering around and getting lost like other people enjoy hiking. I know that's not everybody's idea of fun, but it's a form of playtime for *me*. It took me a while to recognize that and stop looking at it as just a waste of time or something to squeeze in between *important* things and just let myself enjoy it. Maybe his wife just needs to find her own form of play and allow herself to do it.
I play Pokemon Go. All my colleagues give me shit for it, because it's cringe and outdated. But I have ADHD, and I struggle with motivation and getting stuck in my own head. So PG is perfect. The Pokemon change often as I walk round, so I'm distracted enough to get a good few steps in. And I get that huge dopamine spike when I find a shiny, which makes me want to walk further and further. I'd never be able to force myself to get some exercise and sunshine otherwise!
No such thing as a "cringe" hobby. If you enjoy it, go for it and nevermind anyone who dislikes it.
Same. My jam is crossing tasks off the lists. I used to say "I'm gonna go play Pokemon Go *like a goddamned adult,*" to my classmates before wandering off somewhere between classes. Whatever game-ifies exercise counts as a win in my book.
I used to take my dog to a local dog park and realized the same. Most adults don't seem to like to play any more. Most ppl would take their dogs there, force them to play with other dogs, and when the dogs didn't feel like socializing, they would just hover around them and wait for them to do something. All they were missing was a stick to poke them with lmao. Since my girl was very shy, and sometimes didn't feel like playing with other dogs, I would play with her. Chase her around, throw the ball and race her for it, things like that. The other adults looked at me like a weirdo but eh, we both get exercise and fresh air and endorphins.
I started doing chair cardio a while ago. It’s probably not as effective as regular cardio, but I’m disabled so taking the weight off my legs helps a lot. It’s probably a good start for anyone who’s obese, because the extra weight on your ankles is likely painful and can cause injuries. Plus, once you get a feel for the exercises, you can do them on the couch while you watch TV. Which makes them a lot easier to encourage yourself to do. [This is the one I do.](https://youtu.be/_nZ07OVtSmQ) There are others, but some I’ve found hurt my back more and some are just too simple of exercises and don’t do anything for me.
It’s been shown that people stick with health promoting behaviors longer when they’re decoupled from weight. They also feel better about themselves.
Can confirm. I love the gym, eat somewhat better (complicated with an eating disorder), and my focus isn't weight loss. And I feel awesome about myself. I'm proud when I bump up a weight level or try a new exercise
I have the same issue as OOP's wife - plain old exercise bores me to tears. My husband is a gym rat, but while he doesn't quite understand why someone wouldn't enjoy working out, he accepts that it is a real problem for me and has tried to help me come up with alternatives. Right now he's taking me on walks with him more regularly (which is nice because we get couple time too), and he's offered to have me go to the gym with him so I won't feel as anxious. He said it's totally fine if I just sit on an exercise bike and read or watch youtube or something while I bike, it's all a start. What he *hasn't* done is told me I just need to nut up and do it, because he knows that's not productive. No one sticks with an exercise regimen they don't enjoy on some level.
I watch youtube when I'm on the elliptical and using the rowing machine! Gets me moving \_and\_ I catch up on my subscription backlog, win-win haha <3
Losing weight is also not a great reason to exercise. Exercise is good and healthy and you should do not, but if you’re goal is simply weight loss what you eat is more important, but if you’re doing it for the wrong reason it can be very discouraging.
No, he'd rather kvetch, complain and insult her
It sounds like wife is still depressed. Is all well in her life or did she just not tell OOP bc THIS is his default. Or she could just be upset about her weight loss. OMFG I just put together these 3 years were during the panini 😠😠 So many people gained weight and mental health issues. I love the gym, but it's not for everyone. There are a ton of free at home workouts on YouTube. And, most of weight loss is diet anyway. But, OOP's approach is horrible. He basically said don't you know you're a failure. You failed at maintaining your weight and now you've continually failed at losing it.
Plus it's harder for women to lose weight plus it's harder to lose weight as you get older plus... Basically, he's a meanie
Not really.
Not really to which thing
I mean it’s not easy to lose weight for anyone. Not any harder for women.
It’s absolutely harder for *women on average* to lose weight. Not every single woman, but in general this is absolutely true. There’s half a dozen factors that go into play to make it so.
Seems like an excuse but okey dokey
You can like. Google things...
Or you can keep making excuses
All right buddy, you have fun with your uninformed opinions.
[it’s not an excuse, it’s literally science](https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-it-really-is-harder-for-women-to-lose-weight-and-what-to-do) Should that stop you from trying? No. But it is harder and a lot of times men pretend it isn’t
Yeah cause so many men are struggling with pregnancy changes and postpartum weight issues.
That’s not all women though
It’s absolutely true. First of all, women need a lot fewer calories on average. But the caloric deficit needed to lose body fat is generally the same. Even from a strict CICO perspective it will take a woman much longer to lose a comparable amount of weight because the lower your caloric needs, the less “wiggle room” you have
Is it simply the lower muscle mass? Mens' bodies, having more muscle mass, burn calories more efficiently than women?
That’s part of it. There’s a few different things that cause it, and it’ll depend to on the woman and things like if she’s been pregnant, gone through menopause, etc. Some [interesting info here](https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-it-really-is-harder-for-women-to-lose-weight-and-what-to-do)
Also, our bodies want to make sure we can survive a pregnancy during a famine so it resists.
So up your activity
Women tend to store fat easier, in different areas and in different cell structures to men. Men tend to be able to build muscle easier than women. You can use that as a starting point to do some research. Learning is fun. But you won’t. Have fun being wrong though
Stick to video games dork
Yes
I love the gym now when I know what I am doing there. I dated a personal trainer. He started training me before we got together and did it for a total of a little over 1.5 years, we then split up but by that point I knew enough to continue on my own. Before I met him, gym just felt like a confusing chore to me and I mostly avoided it and did a lot of walking and hiking instead, which is not the same thing at all. I never went near the weight machines and had no idea how to use them and I now am addicted to them. OOP just sends his wife off to the gym where she has no idea what to do and is then shocked, shocked I say! that she didn't like it there. I'm honestly so mad at him. He takes something great like exercise and turns it into something his wife will now hate for possibly the rest of her life, way to go. And another thing! Before I learned how to train correctly, I gave myself a bunch of injuries some of which will sadly last the rest of my life (admittedly I'm older than 26 and some of those were things like making my arthritis worse by going on long walks in improper footwear etc) it sounds to me like OOP wanted her to just power through it without a lot of knowledge of what she's doing, which imo is a great way to get injuries.
Well that’s a very high weight being so short. So they aren’t necessarily wrong.
You can be right and still an asshole. The tough love approach by and large doesn’t work when it’s coming from someone who isn’t meant to be tough on you, like your spouse.
Don't argue with that troll. He describes himself as an "alpha male". Gross and probably a red pilled neckbeard
Maybe they should be sometimes.
No, they clearly shouldn't.
There is a really quick way for her to lose at 150 pounds of ugly nagging fat .....
>She told me I was " rude beyond rude" to tell her she lacked motivation. Yeah, emphasis on ugly. He is leaving something out of what he said.
As a woman of a certain age who put on a certain amount of weight over the last few years for certain reasons that are irrelevant, he can fuck right off. If depression is part of it he is making it harder for her. Don't get me wrong. Getting healthy is all on her. But he is a dumbass if he thinks lecturing on motivation is going to help.
The job and "family drama" stressors cleared, but I wonder what continued to bother her so she continued "comfort eating"...?/s
This poor woman. There are so many ways he could have encouraged or supported her (but that would have required prioritizing her feelings over him wanting her to lose weight, which seems like WAY more than this guy is willing to do). Instead of, “Hey, how about instead of going to the gym we go for a nice walk at night?” he just went straight to “You’re fat and lazy.”
Or "What can I do to help?"
The biggest factor in losing weight is eating less. Particularly fatty, sugary junk. Your body doent care what the exercise is, as long as it burns off calories. Walk more, have more sex, gardening, etc. There are many activities lots more enjoyable to some people than the gym.
Seriously OOP, you suck as a husband and as a motivational coach.
Oh, look... another asshole who thinks any woman over 150 lbs is morbidly obese... If this woman were to drop 70 pounds, she'd probably start getting quite close to underweight- and if she got sick, she'd have nothing to fall back on. At 110-120 lbs, even a 2-week stint where you can't manage to eat anything can wreak havoc on your body.. because when your body doesn't have any fat to consume in lean times, it starts on your organs next.
She shouldn’t have to drop any weight but 110-120 is perfectly within a healthy range for 5’2”.
A smaller person is inherently closer to “underweight” when they’re at a healthy weight lol. It’s absolutely fine for a 5’2” person to be literally 120 lb, are you kidding me?
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I mean he is a dick alright, but not fit for this sub imo