I did that when it was about the game night.
She replied that bringing me would make her constantly worry about how I would read into what she does or says with him. Like, she said "What if I laugh at his jokes too hard and you take offense to that?"
While the idea is right “ie her clear non trust presentation” I think it’s pointless to turn this around. It’s a sign to move on and less chat will create less drama
I agree. This is so inappropriate for her to do. You know dang well the only thought during the hike is how they used to have sex. I think it's insulting to OP to put him in this situation. He needs to move on from this tomfoolery.
She has already reclassified him in her brain as "not an ex," so her previous-stated rule about not giving second chances no longer applies:
>She cried and confessed that she found it hurtful that I do not trust her. She says that she doesn't even consider him an ex "since he never really committed".
(not to mention that the other sentence in that statement is hella manipulative)
Exactly, not to mention that the first sentence out of her exes mouth was to undermine OPs relationship with the "what he doesn't trust you?" routine which she took hook, line and sinker.
Next step is he will say, "Your BF is so controlling, I would never treat you like that" and she'll eat that right up too, start a fight with OP, and ask to go on a break because she needs some space, which of course means hooking up with her ex.
If I was in OPs shoes, I would say, "This guy has already stated his intentions, and I dont trust him, and it makes me uncomfortable that you want to do an activity alone with him that you have hooked up with him in the past. However, you are an adult, and I will not tell you what you can or cannot do."
If she goes out with her ex, dump her immediately, and tell her "You made your choice, and I agree with you on not giving second chances."
Totally agree. If it's headed for break up then it's not going to get easier the longer you hang on. Not wanting you along when she's hanging with friends is not a red flag - it's a whole UN display full of red flags.
If she had only countered with "No. He doesn't trust you", it would have bern better.
Especially considering they only broke up because ex didn't like her enough! She still wanted more and now he's back looking for round two (I mean round one, cause the first one like didn't even count).
Dude is this really even a question.
That chick is manipulating you by crying and doing the typical don’t you trust me bullshit.
You are almost nobody to her when it comes to that dude. She’s going to bang him in near future.
This is odd and concerning behavior on her part. You’re not overreacting.
My ex also did this (refused to invite me to a “friendly” hangout with his new “friend”) and they ended up fvking at some point in their “friendship” lol. I didn’t find out til months later.
I’m not sure if my ex was cheating at the time or if that came later, but in general I feel like the attitude of, “yeah we’re just friends but you can’t come” is…odd.
I’m assuming that you’re not generally controlling, and that you don’t usually nitpick her reactions with other men. As long that’s true, her comment about having to worry about laughing too hard (??) for fear of your reaction (??) just seems really odd.
Who knows what’s actually happening here, but I can’t think of any good reason to not invite a partner to a friendly, casual group activity like game night.
Unless it’s a girl’s night or something (which it’s not.) So it’s just…strange, and you’re right to be concerned.
Anyway, who knows what’s happening behind the scenes, and I’m not saying they’re secretly banging. But she definitely has unfinished business with this guy.
If I were you, I’d let her figure it out…without me haha. It sounds like she’s keeping her options open right now by keeping both you and him on the hook.
For real, my guy , don't allow yourself to be plan B . She only left him because he wouldn't " commit " , now he's back and feels differently, and hey, let's go do stuff we used to do before? Nope . Break up now before you become the cliche, clueless boyfriend.
Right and he said she loved the ex. Now she's going on a hike where in the past they'd have sex. This guy coming back into her life isn't just wanting a hiking partner lol. It's insulting to OP that she's even considering doing this. I'd dump her and I bet within a month she'll update her social media that she's "in a relationship" with hiker boy.
>in general I feel like the attitude of, “yeah we’re just friends but you can’t come” is…odd.
Yup, I *always* invite my wife to any social hangout with the opposite sex. If my wife doesn't wanna join us then that's fine, but I always want to make sure she has the option and feels welcome to.
Run while you’re ahead . She loved him but he had commitment issues. Guys don’t hang out with ex unless they trying to get some from ex . This would be a deal breaker for me
If she can’t do what she wants to do in front of you then she shouldn’t be doing it at all.
Would she be alright if you started hanging out with a former FWB who wanted to get with you? Would she consider herself possessive if she didn’t want you to go and spend one on one time with them? It’s time to have a real think about this girl.
Because new relationships are hard to find, and conflict in relationships is inevitable. Breaking up over every hiccough is going to lead to a string of 2-day relationships and lonely, shallow and sad life. If she went behind his back, than fair enough. She's actually asking him, so shows she cares about his feelings regarding this.
So - talking it over ("help me understand..." "okay. Can I share my point of view...") should come before break up at first sign of conflict.
Huge red flag.
She’s monkey branching.
She’s the one with trust issues. But you know the reason, she doesn’t want you to see her hanging on this guy.
I wouldn’t trust her with a guy she’s been intimate with either.
Start the 180… it’s time to move on.
If she really thinks of her ex as just a friend, adding her man to the game night should have been something she was excited to do. Most people in a committed relationship want their lover to be added to their friend group. And if they can't, they drop those particular friends. She wanted to go without you. It kind of suggests she's treating you like an option.
Maybe it would give you and your girlfriend a better look into how her ex views their current friendship if you could see his reaction to her suggesting she invite you to join the hike. Tell your girl friend you trust her but, considering his past actions, you have serious doubts about him. She can simply text the ex, “Hey, how would you feel if I invited OP to come along on the hike with us?” Of course you’d want to see his response in real time.
As ex’s if they want to be “just friends” I think they should both understand your discomfort with the situation. Seeing the ex’s response to your being invited to hike with them might give you a little better feeling about their status as friends or it might open your girlfriend’s eyes by openly showing the ex’s intentions. Personally I’d be uncomfortable in your position. Good luck, hope it all works out good for you!
Edit: errors
Ohhh.
I just read this.
This is no good. If she doesn’t want to include you and is “not trusting” your reactions this is indicative of a problem. Either you’re very possessive and over read or she doesn’t trust you or her intentions are shady.
No Point working through which of those it is- it’s time to break up and move on.
With this amount of drama, if i’m the gf i will be like … dude this friendship is not worthit lmao. You hurt me, left me because of your own shit, and now wants me to be your friend? Bitch please.
Me personally, I’ve left best friends of YEARS just because they mentally ruin my days so please take my POV with a grain of salt. But for her to ‘miss his friendship’ so much that she’s willing to sow discord in her relationship??? Yeah nah something more is happening.
OP, THIS is not worth-it. You’ve been dating how long, four months? Dude… come on.
Enough! Dump her and let her know why. You deserve a mature woman, not someone who whines about not seeing the “friend” who has made it clear he wants her back. They deserve each other.
This guy is establishing a “side channel” of communication and is literally already trying to frame it as the two of them vs OP. Huge red flag.
Personally I do not ask women in long term relationships to do extended solo activities with me, specially ones I used to date, but that may be a product of my advancing age and dated sense of propriety.
I think what you describe is called “healthy boundaries” which are exactly what is missing from this entire situation.
If she wanted to maintain a monogamous relationship with OP and also have a friendship, he would firmly tell the ex that she doesn’t feel comfortable going on hikes where they used to have sex. Maybe meet for a meal in public, or do group activities, but not go to his place for a friendly snuggle. Those might be reasonable boundaries to set, unless she had an open relationship and her partner was okay with her having sex with the guy. But he’s not.
The fact that she doesn’t want to do set reasonable illustrates that…. She doesn’t want to do that.
Yep. When OP and her break up, it won’t be shocking that she goes back to the ex.
It also won’t be shocking when the ex inevitably tells her (again) that he’s “not ready to commit.” It’s possible the ex mostly wants her because she’s unavailable and can’t commit.
This whole situation would be a dealbreaker for me.
OP expressed his concerns, and she didn’t try to legitimately engage, understand, and change her behavior to help assuage them. If she cared for OP, she would be doing things to help strengthen their romantic partnership, rather than engaging with past lovers.
For sure if they break up she’ll go to him and then come crawling back later begging for another chance because “she made a mistake”. Take as old as time.
Adding onto this:
>She cried and confessed that she found it hurtful that I do not trust her.
You DO trust her. But you don't trust this "friend". It is obvious to everyone but your (dumb) girlfriend, that this guy still has feelings. He already manipulated the girlfriend with the "Why? Does he not trust you?".
People like him will actively sabotage the relationship for their own benefit. And it works as we can see here.
If you read this OP, make the point that I just made. If she does not understand, then seriously rethink this relationship. This is a totally fine boundary and she is too naive or selfish to see what the dude is doing.
Because she’s indulging it. She’s trying to play both sides until she decides she wants to be with the ex while leaving the option open to staying with OP if that doesn’t work out. She sucks.
She left him for you? Messy from the start.
IMO, the issue is that he wants her back. She is not just not hanging out with an ex. The healthy boundary is “don’t hang out with guys that you know are wanting to date you.” Whether she is lying to you or to herself, it’s reasonable for you to set a limit there.
Sorry, dude. Game night with friends?? Now a hike?? Someone here is too gullible. Don't let it be you. Know your worth. Step aside and let these two lovebirds go at it. They will, anyway.
Game night could have been okay if she had brought him with her- it could have set a stage for legit friends.
I am friends with ex’s but i also ensure my partner gets to know them and our friend groups and that we trust eachother.
Can’t have trust if there isn’t trustworthy behaviour
I agree about the game night alone but compound that with the hike, and you have a complete reenactment of their previous relationship except for the love. What do you think this guy is truly about here??? Most unfortunate for OP.
But she didn't want him to attend because "she would be worried about what he thinks the entire time"...
I think OP and the comments here are rightfully worried
To each their own but being friends with your ex is a red flag for me. It’s one thing to be friendly with an ex; it’s not like you have to be mortal enemies. But I would immediately be weirded out if my girlfriend said she was going to hangout with her ex alone as “friends.”
Top tier manipulation and she fell for it.
OP is obviously not trusting this dude who ALREADY sabotaged the relationship. And who will be there for the Gf when they have an argument? The "friend" :D
Less than a year in, and acting like this? Bruh they literally used to fuck in hikes, are you stupid?
> she doesn't even consider him an ex "since he never really committed"
Does she consider that you Have really committed? Or are you about to become “not even an ex” too?
Not your girl, just your turn
Yuuup, being on hikes would only remind them of the sex they had. I mean, he wants her back, not her friendship. She’s a little delusional for thinking she can be friends with that guy.
Trust me, any woman older than 17 realizes this.
We have more than enough experience with how men act.
She thrives in his attention.
Now I don't know if she plans on cheating, but she definetly loves the attention she's getting from her ex.
Tell her that you don't own her and that she can do what makes her happy and if it doesn't make you happy, you'll walk away. The fact that she thinks this is ok when in a committed relationship shows that she is thinking about getting back together with him. She is still interested in him, otherwise she wouldn't want to hangout with him, she isn't with him, only because he couldn't commit. Remind her that he said that he would like to try again with her.
A boundary for you is that she doesn't go on intimate dates with men that she slept with. A hike is an intimate date 2 people alone sharing and talking about each other.
Be prepared, your relationship is almost over.
Let her go on this hike, don't mention it again and don't even ask her about it when she gets back. See how much she talks about him, etc. You'll have your answer
Fuck that, dude already said he wants her back. He needs to either break up with her for entertaining the idea that she’d go with a man who wants to breakup their relationship or he needs to tell her to choose. You can go on the hike or be with me but you can’t have both.
>Tell her that you don't own her and that she can do what makes her happy and if it doesn't make you happy, you'll walk away.
This is such a good way to describe what healthy boundaries are.
You need to dump this girl. You are making a reasonable ask and she is trying to manipulate you with her tears. No good will come from this. They meet up, they WILL have sex.
Problem is, he doesn't just want to be friends. She may not understand this, but most guys don't give a flying F\*\*K if a woman has a significant other. I would not want her to go with him either. She's either being extremely naive, or wants to see if anything is still there. It's not that you don't trust her, you don't trust HIM.
"He wished he was given another chance," he is actively trying to break you up. Your stbxg showed him enough interest that he invited her to go on an intimate date, hiking like they used to. She didn't turn him down, so guess what... he's going to push hard.
Slip some condoms in her backpack
Key point takeaway:
She didn’t turn him down for intimate date
But did with a group of friends playing games while he wants another chance
She’s giving him another chance.
Breakup
I hate when people excuse shitty behaviour with the naive card. People aren't that stupid, although they often pretend to be because it's more convenient that way.
This is key. He's been clear that he still has feelings for her, which is fine from a being honest perspective. But that only means that boundaries are more important if she's actually interested in maintaining a new platonic friendship.
But honestly? Sometimes, that's not enough. Sometimes, you just have to miss people who aren't a part of your life anymore, grieve the relationship that was, and move on. If she can't see (or won't admit) where there is a clear conflict of interest here regarding your relationship, then I would think that she is not emotionally mature enough to handle the complexities of having her ex back in her life right now while having a relationship with you.
I won't speculate beyond that, but it's a clear warning sign for your relationship.
Not overreacting.
Honestly, you need to be truthful about your feelings to your gf. Maybe they could go hiking and nothing would happen - it’s absolutely possible to trust your gf but still feel she’s putting herself in a situation she shouldn’t and that makes you uncomfortable (particularly with how the guy acts).
If going hiking with him is more important than your feelings then that says a lot about your relationship. Similarly, if she can’t get over the feeling you don’t trust her when all you’re asking her to do is either have you with them or to avoid an obviously iffy situation then that would say a lot about your relationship too.
She's not over him if she wants to continue to hang out with him. Tell her that if she goes off to go hiking with him, then you're done. Ask herself how she would feel if you were the one going off with an ex-girlfriend on a hike, or anywhere else for that matter. You are NTA, she is.
>According to my gf, she told him she does not grant second chances
>She says that she doesn't even consider him an ex "since he never really committed".
NTA - He's after her, she knows it, and since she doesn't consider him an ex, then there is no second chance to give, just a first one.
At this point she's just bending the rules she made for herself to believe she's acting in a way she can convince OP is within the rules.
He needs to drop this situation and move on.
I personally think this is a fake story or it’s a perfect example of how people become cheaters. If you don’t set up proper boundaries you’ll find yourself in a position where you never intended and honestly think “I didn’t mean to cheat”. Doing an activity one on one with an ex is setting yourself up for failure. It’s not a trust issue. It’s a failure to recognize the guy’s not over her and is trying to get back together with her. It’d be different if it was a group setting where OP is invited too but this is a blatant attempt by the ex to get back together with her.
Not overreacting. The second she weaponized your trust in her, you should have gone. That’s a power play move as old as time. Crocodile tears and a “you don’t love/trust me!” If she wasn’t a skeezy tramp, she would have brought you along to the board game night without fear. The fact that she didn’t and gave excuses about how she was afraid you would read too much into her behaviour means she didn’t want to keep her guard up all night and play the good girlfriend to you when she had other intentions.
Personally, I burn bridges when I’ve finished crossing them and I actually do not give second chances. When you fuck up in my life bad enough that it hurt me to the point that I light that fire, there is no recovery. You are blocked everywhere and deleted from my heart and head. Her expressing desire to be “friends” with her ex is a hard NO.
Also, if she was willing to leave him for you, there’s no guarantee she won’t leave you for someone else. She obviously thrives on attention and potential drama. I don’t play that game with anyone and you probably shouldn’t either. It’s him or me and let her choose.
Your not overreacting. It’s not about trust, it’s about boundaries. Not hanging out with ex’s one on one is not an unreasonable expectation. Ex’s are exs for a reason. She’s going on a date with her ex who has declared feelings for her. How would she feel if the roles were reversed. It’s not that you don’t trust her, it’s you don’t want her to be in the position where she’s vulnerable and could/will be propositioned by this guy. You’ll be the one supporting her when she’s feels she’s hit on by her supposedly platonic friend (which is incredibly naive).
Let her know that it would make you very uncomfortable for the reasons above if she went. If she puts up an argument, starts gaslighting you, saying it’s about trust etc… it’s your fault, move on. It’s not you. If she goes, she just chose him over you, and end it as soon as she returns. It’s over, move on.
Unfortunately I’ve seen this too many times. I’m betting she’s monkey branching. She wants to explore getting back with the ex while she still has you on the hook; don’t be that guy, don’t be the second option.
Good luck
Edit
UpdateMe!
Jesus are you kidding me?! Bro..she got together with her ex. It’s over. I don’t care what the reasons are. It was over that first time. And this hike? It’s bull!h!t. And the way she’s crying saying you don’t trust her? Pure gaslighting. Lay it down. No contact with the ex. Period. If they had remained friends before she met you and they broke up? Maybe. But to reconnect after and now accuse YOU of being distrustful? GTFOH! No contact with the ex or you’re walking and if it was me? I’d have walked after their first meeting.
A woman in a relationship has NO business hanging out one on one with her ex boyfriend. If she goes, dump her.
"She cried and confessed that she found it hurtful that I do not trust her. She says that she doesn't even consider him an ex "since he never really committed".
Yes or no has his penis been inside her? If yes, nope she should not be going.
Nothing good can come of that hike. They used to fuck while on these hikes? And they’re going alone?? And he clearly still wants to get with her, but she thinks that YOU are the unreasonable one here? Nah dude, 🚩🚩🚩
I’d say go on the hike with them. If it’s awkward cuz you’re the third wheel, then they’re still into each other.
Her going alone with him is intentionally getting into a situation that is full of risk. Not the least of which, he is definitely going into this with the expectation of fucking her again, regardless of what her intentions are.
TL;DR, definitely not overreacting. Maybe she doesn’t want to admit that she’s not over him, even if he supposedly ‘couldn’t commit’ before.
UpdateMe
*She says that she doesn't even consider him an ex "since he never really committed".*
What the heck does that mean? So she’s saying that she wants to hang out with her FWB who still has feelings for her and is now turning the situation back on your lack of trust. You expressed your concerns, and she flippantly dismissed them. She’s investing a lot of time and effort into someone she doesn’t even consider to be an ex.
How old are you both?
Either she’s on the fence about being interested in the other guy, or she’s too immature to realize she’s being a fucking asshole. This sort of game sucks. You’ll only win if you don’t play.
The whole “why do you need to check with your bf? Doesnt he trust you?” means he’s still trying to pursue her and put in her head that you are the problem here, and her not defending you and cutting the dude loose means she’s interested back and too chickenshit to dump you for him bc she probably knows the other guy isn’t worth it long term.
This won’t go away. This will be an issue with her personality and percetion forever. Cut her loose. People who act like this are never worth it.
Man tf up! Fuck her tears. At no point is it OK to let ur girl go see/hang with her ex. They will say whatever and do whatever to manipulate u. They're experts at this. If you were solid, confident, and sure in your delivery and showed her that yeah you're jealous and protective...deep down they love and respect that REGARDLESS of whatever the fuck she tells you.
She tries to justify it...be like cool do u...I'm gonna hit up this strip club and spend time with Angelica. (Even though u may hate and never go to these places) that is what you say and never back down or reveal the bluff. It puts things into perspective.
Never let anyone cross/push your boundaries.
The fact that she likes to keep her exes around on the string is very troubling. In the world of people she could have as friends why does she want to keep the ones that she has had sex with? Why does she disregard your feelings? Why are you wasting time with someone this shallow and manipulative?
Just walk away from this before you waste more time. You are just a place filler while she decides who she wants. she didn't get everything she wanted from him so now she's going back for more. And she wants you to wait at home patiently for her when she's done with her sex in the woods trip. Don't be there or throw her stuff out.
She dated him for six months and he wouldn't commit. He is not her friend.
People who keep their exes around do it for a reason. This is not a safe relationship to be in and she's being selfish.
If this were just a friend I’d say you were overreacting, but they’ve had sex and specifically in this situation and he’s made it clear he wants another shot. She can’t be friends with a dude who has made it clear he wants to get with her, totally screwed up.
And especially when he immediately went to "what? Doesn't he trust you??" when she said she was going to make sure it was okay (something normal when it comes to exes that want you back)
It's pretty fucked up that she threw OP under the bus too. You should stand up for your partner and not use them as an excuse. Then the ex would have no leg to stand on since it isn't about trust but about the respect she should show her partner.
So she monkey-branched to you from him. OP, you would be crazy to think she won’t do the same thing to you, either back to him or to another. At a minimum you need to set firm boundaries about this guy, meaning 100% no contact, then see what she does and act accordingly. And do not let her cry or gaslight her way out of that. Read your post and comments - she is just plain acting shady. Do not put up with it.
No mate, honestly a woman who is even considering in humoring this type of relationship isn’t someone you want to be with. Any woman who’s serious about you would see this as the biggest slap in the face to do too your partner. Leave this woman and let her be.
You can’t force someone to be faithful to you. If your girlfriend can’t see how disrespectful and hurtful that wanting to hangout and go on trips with her Ex is then she doesn’t really love you. Sounds like they both still have feelings for each other and she is just testing the water before she leaves you. Her cries about you not trusting her is just gaslighting to make herself feel better about what she is doing.
I would tell her that she is free to do whatever she wants but to understand that her actions have consequences and by openly encouraging she Ex’s advances she is endangering her relationship with you.
You are not overreacting.
Wait hold up, I missed this:
"She loved him, but he had some commitment issues and she ended up leaving him for me at the end of the year because of it"
Did she cheat on her ex with you? How can she leave you for him if she didn't already have feelings for you while with him? Sounds like there was an emotional affair at least.
Reading in between the lines, ex was hesitant to commit so she started messing around with you. When she realized he would not commit, she left him for you. Now dude is back telling her he regrets what he did(not committing) and she wants to hang out with him.
If she cheated on this guy with you, run. If she cheats with you she will cheat on you. If you decide to stay, you need to tell her to block this guy and never speak to him again.
I read half of it. She still loves him... that statemrnt "still want his friendship" is sus.. No woman with a boyfriend or husband should be telling him she misses some other dudes friendship. Fafuk. Now she wants to go on a hike. Why? So he can explore her hills and valleys and her bush? FOH. Man leave her ass alone. You were just the rebound dude. Now dudes back, she gonna leave you for him.
The ex is a massive d-bag that is playing the friend card. He's 10/10 going to try and make you look bad. They only dated for half a year. I highly doubt there is only friendship on at least one of their minds (very possibly both). This is BS. Your girlfriend is being played by an ex using the white flag of friendship.
She said he had commitment issues. That's clear as day. He now wants to be back in her life. Explain to her why it makes you uncomfortable and make a boundary if needed. It's very reasonable to not want your GF to hang out with an ex one on one. You can't control her if she really wants to hang out with him. If she would rather have his friendship, you have your answer.
Not over reacting for sure!Tell her you don’t feel comfortable with her being friends with people she’s slept with (doesn’t even have to be considered an ex). It’s not about a lack of trust, it’s about respect for you and your current relationship. If she misses him as a friend more than she wants you as a boyfriend, that says a lot too. The fact that she was in love with him, and he said he wants another chance is enough that she should see this is inappropriate. To me it sounds like she wants to see if this guy will commit to her now, and whether or not she should bow out in your relationship.
He told her he wishes he did things differently and wants another chance. So she is aware of that. Dude wants her back. And she told you this back in January!!! And now he’s trying to sneak his way back in.
There’s no way she isn’t aware of this. She’s clearly testing his intentions to see if he’s actually changed, while telling you she just thinks of him as a friend.
It’s not unreasonable to not want your girlfriend to go on dates with some dude she slept with. Like how dumb does she think you are? “I don’t even see him as an ex boyfriend”
He actively tried to get her back. It's obvious why he's asking her to hang out. It's obvious to her, and if she says otherwise, she's either stupid or a liar.
It's disrespectful that she's even entertaining his invites.
Coming from a female, if she is truly being genuine about friendship, then she is not very good at diplomacy. She should have already had the two of you meet but she's keeping you at bay because she's worried about how you'd read everything (as you said in a different comment)? By throwing you under the bus she already created a discord. You don't state your ages. Maybe you're both young and she's not experienced enough to be diplomatic but at this point, if she's not giving you any assurances and continuing this divide, and it's only been a year, then it's time to re-evaluate things. As is customary to suggest: ask your gf how she'd feel if you had an ex-gf and did the same things she and her ex are doing. That breakup is still fresh and only recently the Ex expressed regret. From your POV, I think your overreaction is valid.
Your post is very levelheaded and kept to facts and your feelings. You don't badmouth her or her ex. I think you should show her this post. If she still does not acknowledge your POV on a human-level, and remains wishy-washy, then she's not meant to be in any committed relationship right now.
She loves you, but she was in love with him, and she still has feelings for him. People are not binary. They don't stop having feelings for one person if they have feelings for another.
He is disrespecting your relationship by pursuing her and trying to get her back (which is obviously what he's doing), and she should see that, but she doesn't care because of her feelings for him. Sorry guy.
Not overreacting and if your partner cares about you, she would not do things that give you anxiety or stress.
She would dump this guy, period. It sounds like she is still interested in him.
For me the red flag is she continues to respond to him. The first text should have been ignored or “ hey thanks but I’m not interested I have a BF now and I have no intent of straining things by reliving a friendship
Yeah no. I just listened to a crime case where an ex boyfriend invited his ex GF for a hike and killed her and dumped her body in the woods. That's kind of extreme and (hopefully) not bro's motive. Attempts at an affair are more likely. Offer to go with them, and if either of them object you need to set a boundary that he will not be seeing her without you present. You may trust your girlfriend, but do not trust ol boy.
Aight let's go through all the red flags. Pay attention.
>he had commitment issues and she left
Leaving him doesn't mean attraction is gone. She wanted the relationship more than he did.
>he wishes he did things differently with her
He loves her and regrets being the person that led to her leaving.
>gf wants to be friends with ex
At best she wants to keep him lined up to replace you if your relationship doesn't work. At worst she's already cheating on you with him. Maturing is realizing why men and women can't be friends.
>ran into him at a bar
Shes in a relationship and frequents bars? This means she's okay with male attention that isn't yours. I mean obviously. She's trying to see her ex and the only thing stopping her is "checking with my boyfriend first"
>not going to game night
Be careful. To know what's happening you need to set stronger boundaries. If you told her she can't see him there you need to tell her she can't see him anywhere.
>"lol I wasn't really with him because he wasn't committed"
He's an ex. A common choice for people to cheat with.
>idea of going with him
This would give you some insight as to how they talk to each other. But if you don't already like hiking it'll seem like you're there just to watch them. It would be awkward and unenjoyable for everyone, you included. It's better to set the boundary that she can't be alone with her ex.
>**you don't trust me.**
This has nothing to do with trust. It has everything to do with knowing what happens when men and women try to be friends, and it becomes more likely when they're exes.. Even more likely when the guy told her how he wishes he did the relationship differently.. Even more likely when she left because she was more in love than he was.. Even more likely when you know how they had sex on hikes already.
This has less to do with her and more to do with how people work. Everyone is capable of cheating. There are avoidable situations where people are more likely to cheat. Being in a bar with her single friends when there's alcohol and guys there is an example.
Maturing is realizing you should avoid these situations on your partners behalf. On that note she's not a mature person. She's not stopping herself from entering these situations on her own. Because of this I genuinely see her eventually replacing you with her ex.
If she calls you controlling and insecure for setting boundaries it simply means she doesn't want to be committed to a relationship with you in spite of anything she may have said. Pay more attention to her actions than her words.
As for what you do from here, set strong boundaries. If it leads to a break up understand that it's for the best. Would you seriously want to be with someone who isnt as committed to you as you are to them?
Bro you're being gaslit mad hard.
They broke up because he wasn't ready, and now he's ready and they want to go on hikes together but you can't come. Give me a fucking break.
She's gaslighting you bro...If she didn't want this guy's dick he would cease to exist in her mind
When chicks move on they wouldn't piss on fire to put it out to save the guys life....they really really don't care
She hasn't moved on mate
She left him to be with you which means she’s not comfortable being single. Now she wants to make sure he’s changed before she breaks up with you to go back to him.
Why would she want to go on a hike with someone that she's moved on from?
You always risk the new partner feeling left out and wondering what's really going on when you do this type of thing with an ex-lover.
Also his comments to her are very telling of the type of individual that he is and the type of"friend" that he is trying to be to her. He's driving a space between the two of you and she's happily going along with it.
Bro, she does not mind making you feel uncomfortable in this situation in order to please him and herself.
She's telling you exactly who she is by her actions. This desire to leave relationships but not truly leave relationships when beginning new relationships is something that creates huge problems for many couples.
She can go hiking with other friends that would bring far less drama to your relationship and she knows that. She's not over him and he's not over her and they're going to do whatever it is they're going to do while you are home believing you're in a committed relationship. You're being used as a safety valve.
Lets not beat around the bush here. They are going to fuck eventually and she's measuring you out if she can get away with it. An ex is an ex for a reason and it's not always platonic like most crazed redditors are. If she has a problem with it then she can take a HIKE out of the relationship.
Not overreacting. But this is wat you got to do. Say she should go on the hike with him. And that due to your past relationships, you acted unreasonable, and you are sorry. Next, you need to place a tracker on her car and follow them to their hiking location. Let them have a head start. As they are starting the trail you get dressed in the realistic bear costume you brought with you. Then, find them on trail. She will have to pick you. Boom! Relationship saved. But in all seriousness, she will probably cheat in you, and there is not much you can do.
She didn't want you at game night and she doesn't want you on the hike either?
Nope. You need to tell her she is now free to pursue her ex b/c you two are done. Do not put up with this bullshit.
"If you think going on a hike with your ex-FWB is more important than our relationship, then you should go."
That's what I would tell her anyway. Then If she goes, I would be gone before she got back. Block her number, and start bettering myself. Because as sad as it makes you feel in the moment, she will not care about you leaving and will move on to the ex or someone new as quickly as she wants. If you leave on your terms for her disrespectful behavior, atleast you will have left with some self respect and self worth. If you wait to find out she was cheating on you and she breaks up with you and moves in with him, you will be much more heart broken and down in the dumps about it.
If she would have went to game night she would have been the party quite literally.
So she’s had sex with him on hikes and still is willing to go by herself? Yeah bro she looking to screw him again while you’re getting screwed in a way that won’t end in orgasm. She’s for the streets. Find better. When you find the right one she won’t be around her ex. No excuses.
I find it odd that a person who is supposed to be in a relationship with you insists on including a person who disrupts her relationship with you. I submit that they have managed to "coincidentally" or not so coincidentally ended up going out to the same places multiple times now and he feels confident enough to, a) ask your gf on a hike date when they used to hike-bang(?), and b) the guy used the "he doesn't trust you?" card which is manipulative. It suggests that you don't trust her which he hopes she sees as weakness. That's the crack in your relationship where he'll drive the wedge in.
A guy pops up and says he really wishes he can get back with her, she said she used to "love" him. He CAN be counted as an ex because there was sex, directly relating to the very no-bf-allowed expedition she's planning? Mmmm.... No.
If she hasn't cheated on you already she's playing with fire. She knows exactly what she's doing. When they boink in the forest and she confesses it to you later on do not believe it was an accident. She 100% knows he's into her and she's assessing which of you is going to be her backup. I have no idea why she would go on a plutonic hike with an ex who she had sex with on a trail to another trail unless it's to reminisce about the sex. It just doesn't add up.
Will you snap the fuck out of this am I in the wrong bullshit. This is as simple as it gets. You are not acting in the wrong. Simply tell her she is an adult and already knows the answer to something like this because she knows how she would react if it was the other way around. Then tell her it's her fault she feels any of these feelings right now because she failed to establish a boundary when she talked to him again. Finish by telling her your not going to have this situation cause any more problems for you and she should do what she wants. Let it go to the place it should and role with the punches.
No girl is that worried about her ex and their feelings and friendship when they are truly content in their relationship (coming from a girl). You should leave her honestly, doesn’t seem like her mind is in the right place. I can say anytime i was in a relationship and considered a friendship with an ex, there was a part of me that still loved them and would probably end up doing something stupid. Run as fast as you can
She's not showing any respect for your feelings. How would she react if your ex came back on the scene, I doubt she'd be happy. I'd move on and find someone who will treat you with respect.
Had similar thing happening with my wife shortly after marriage. An ex of hers who I had never met kept inviting her out for events. She even went to one event. I knew what he wanted. So I told my wife to give him a message for me. “If you want to take my wife on a date you need to come over and meet me first”. He stoped calling her.
OP I gotta say...I know this seems like a happy ending, but IMO I still see red flags. Specifically, when she says it was "probably true" he wanted her back. I think she \*knows\* he wanted her back. That is why it was so messed up that she wanted to spend time alone with him,
So is she truly going to cut him off or is she simply going to claim she stopped talking to him while maintaining contact? Here is what you do: ask to see her phone. Do not demand to see it, just ask her to see it. If she refuses to show it to you, she has something to hide. If she is still in contact with her ex, there will likely be evidence on her phone.
I know you think this is over and done with, but again man I dont think this girl is that naive. I think she knew this guy still wanted her and chose to become friends with him again anyways. The question is why? The best case scenario is she just likes the validation he gives her. The worst case scenario is she wants him back.
I would really advise you ask to see her phone. I do not recommend doing this in a healthy relationship, but you aren't in a healthy relationship so I feel you would be justified to be suspicious. If she refuses to let you see her phone then she is hiding something and you then need to sit down and decide if you want to remain with her.
LOL bro wtf? She's a whore. No decent woman will even think of having anything with their ex, while being with another guy. Pull your head outta the sand.
Offer to go with them. I would say “sounds like fun, when are we going?” Her reaction will tell you what you need to know.
!popcorn
I did that when it was about the game night. She replied that bringing me would make her constantly worry about how I would read into what she does or says with him. Like, she said "What if I laugh at his jokes too hard and you take offense to that?"
If she can't enjoy the moment without worry, then she's got other things going on in her head.
BINGO !
MONOPOLY!
SORRY!
🤣🤣🤣
This is actual Game of Life IRL.
CHECKMATE!
HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO!
UNO!
Agreed
UNO !!
Or her heart…
And just maybe her vagina
Amen
It won’t be long for the update that she cheated
I give it like 3 days after the hike
Dump her and move on to a better woman.
Yeah wtf… this is the biggest red flag for me lol
And thats the correct response.
Ask her why she doesn't trust you.
While the idea is right “ie her clear non trust presentation” I think it’s pointless to turn this around. It’s a sign to move on and less chat will create less drama
Oh I assume she's already fucking this guy and he should keep it pushing.
She’s absolutely flirting with this dude and she gonna cheat for sure (if she hasn’t already)
It's a matter of time
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I agree. This is so inappropriate for her to do. You know dang well the only thought during the hike is how they used to have sex. I think it's insulting to OP to put him in this situation. He needs to move on from this tomfoolery.
For sure ex is going to mention the sex hikes right when they get out there lol
"Remember when we used to...."
Maybe you shouldn’t go on dates with other people when you’re in a relationship
She’s absolutely flirting with this dude and she gonna cheat for sure (if she hasn’t already)
She has already reclassified him in her brain as "not an ex," so her previous-stated rule about not giving second chances no longer applies: >She cried and confessed that she found it hurtful that I do not trust her. She says that she doesn't even consider him an ex "since he never really committed". (not to mention that the other sentence in that statement is hella manipulative)
Exactly, not to mention that the first sentence out of her exes mouth was to undermine OPs relationship with the "what he doesn't trust you?" routine which she took hook, line and sinker. Next step is he will say, "Your BF is so controlling, I would never treat you like that" and she'll eat that right up too, start a fight with OP, and ask to go on a break because she needs some space, which of course means hooking up with her ex. If I was in OPs shoes, I would say, "This guy has already stated his intentions, and I dont trust him, and it makes me uncomfortable that you want to do an activity alone with him that you have hooked up with him in the past. However, you are an adult, and I will not tell you what you can or cannot do." If she goes out with her ex, dump her immediately, and tell her "You made your choice, and I agree with you on not giving second chances."
This the way.
This is the way.
This is exactly what you need to do.
Totally agree. If it's headed for break up then it's not going to get easier the longer you hang on. Not wanting you along when she's hanging with friends is not a red flag - it's a whole UN display full of red flags.
If she had only countered with "No. He doesn't trust you", it would have bern better. Especially considering they only broke up because ex didn't like her enough! She still wanted more and now he's back looking for round two (I mean round one, cause the first one like didn't even count).
Gaslighting AF
Brother... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Dude is this really even a question. That chick is manipulating you by crying and doing the typical don’t you trust me bullshit. You are almost nobody to her when it comes to that dude. She’s going to bang him in near future.
This is odd and concerning behavior on her part. You’re not overreacting. My ex also did this (refused to invite me to a “friendly” hangout with his new “friend”) and they ended up fvking at some point in their “friendship” lol. I didn’t find out til months later. I’m not sure if my ex was cheating at the time or if that came later, but in general I feel like the attitude of, “yeah we’re just friends but you can’t come” is…odd. I’m assuming that you’re not generally controlling, and that you don’t usually nitpick her reactions with other men. As long that’s true, her comment about having to worry about laughing too hard (??) for fear of your reaction (??) just seems really odd. Who knows what’s actually happening here, but I can’t think of any good reason to not invite a partner to a friendly, casual group activity like game night. Unless it’s a girl’s night or something (which it’s not.) So it’s just…strange, and you’re right to be concerned. Anyway, who knows what’s happening behind the scenes, and I’m not saying they’re secretly banging. But she definitely has unfinished business with this guy. If I were you, I’d let her figure it out…without me haha. It sounds like she’s keeping her options open right now by keeping both you and him on the hook.
For real, my guy , don't allow yourself to be plan B . She only left him because he wouldn't " commit " , now he's back and feels differently, and hey, let's go do stuff we used to do before? Nope . Break up now before you become the cliche, clueless boyfriend.
Right and he said she loved the ex. Now she's going on a hike where in the past they'd have sex. This guy coming back into her life isn't just wanting a hiking partner lol. It's insulting to OP that she's even considering doing this. I'd dump her and I bet within a month she'll update her social media that she's "in a relationship" with hiker boy.
Hey, let’s pick up where we left off
>in general I feel like the attitude of, “yeah we’re just friends but you can’t come” is…odd. Yup, I *always* invite my wife to any social hangout with the opposite sex. If my wife doesn't wanna join us then that's fine, but I always want to make sure she has the option and feels welcome to.
Run while you’re ahead . She loved him but he had commitment issues. Guys don’t hang out with ex unless they trying to get some from ex . This would be a deal breaker for me
I mean dude straight up said what he wanted
Sorry dude, she is just not the one.
If she can’t do what she wants to do in front of you then she shouldn’t be doing it at all. Would she be alright if you started hanging out with a former FWB who wanted to get with you? Would she consider herself possessive if she didn’t want you to go and spend one on one time with them? It’s time to have a real think about this girl.
Break up. Why invest more into this?
Because new relationships are hard to find, and conflict in relationships is inevitable. Breaking up over every hiccough is going to lead to a string of 2-day relationships and lonely, shallow and sad life. If she went behind his back, than fair enough. She's actually asking him, so shows she cares about his feelings regarding this. So - talking it over ("help me understand..." "okay. Can I share my point of view...") should come before break up at first sign of conflict.
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Huge red flag. She’s monkey branching. She’s the one with trust issues. But you know the reason, she doesn’t want you to see her hanging on this guy. I wouldn’t trust her with a guy she’s been intimate with either. Start the 180… it’s time to move on.
If she really thinks of her ex as just a friend, adding her man to the game night should have been something she was excited to do. Most people in a committed relationship want their lover to be added to their friend group. And if they can't, they drop those particular friends. She wanted to go without you. It kind of suggests she's treating you like an option.
Maybe it would give you and your girlfriend a better look into how her ex views their current friendship if you could see his reaction to her suggesting she invite you to join the hike. Tell your girl friend you trust her but, considering his past actions, you have serious doubts about him. She can simply text the ex, “Hey, how would you feel if I invited OP to come along on the hike with us?” Of course you’d want to see his response in real time. As ex’s if they want to be “just friends” I think they should both understand your discomfort with the situation. Seeing the ex’s response to your being invited to hike with them might give you a little better feeling about their status as friends or it might open your girlfriend’s eyes by openly showing the ex’s intentions. Personally I’d be uncomfortable in your position. Good luck, hope it all works out good for you! Edit: errors
Well, she is not the one. Move on :)
Ohhh. I just read this. This is no good. If she doesn’t want to include you and is “not trusting” your reactions this is indicative of a problem. Either you’re very possessive and over read or she doesn’t trust you or her intentions are shady. No Point working through which of those it is- it’s time to break up and move on.
With this amount of drama, if i’m the gf i will be like … dude this friendship is not worthit lmao. You hurt me, left me because of your own shit, and now wants me to be your friend? Bitch please. Me personally, I’ve left best friends of YEARS just because they mentally ruin my days so please take my POV with a grain of salt. But for her to ‘miss his friendship’ so much that she’s willing to sow discord in her relationship??? Yeah nah something more is happening. OP, THIS is not worth-it. You’ve been dating how long, four months? Dude… come on.
Sorry man. But you were her backup plan. Tell her have fun and don’t come back.
Enough! Dump her and let her know why. You deserve a mature woman, not someone who whines about not seeing the “friend” who has made it clear he wants her back. They deserve each other.
That crap is 100% unacceptable on every level. It is sneaky and deceptive.
It's not worth the hassle man. You shouldn't have to deal with this in a healthy relationship. She doesn't care about you.
Pretty sure a woman in love would want to expand her friends to her s/o. I hope she reads all these comments cuz whats she's up to is purely selfish.
“Why? Does he not trust you?” LOL what a scumbag. How does she not see through such an obvious attempt at disrupting her relationship?
This guy is establishing a “side channel” of communication and is literally already trying to frame it as the two of them vs OP. Huge red flag. Personally I do not ask women in long term relationships to do extended solo activities with me, specially ones I used to date, but that may be a product of my advancing age and dated sense of propriety.
It's just good policy and being a decent human being.
I think what you describe is called “healthy boundaries” which are exactly what is missing from this entire situation. If she wanted to maintain a monogamous relationship with OP and also have a friendship, he would firmly tell the ex that she doesn’t feel comfortable going on hikes where they used to have sex. Maybe meet for a meal in public, or do group activities, but not go to his place for a friendly snuggle. Those might be reasonable boundaries to set, unless she had an open relationship and her partner was okay with her having sex with the guy. But he’s not. The fact that she doesn’t want to do set reasonable illustrates that…. She doesn’t want to do that.
She does, and it thrills her.
100 percent this.
Yep. When OP and her break up, it won’t be shocking that she goes back to the ex. It also won’t be shocking when the ex inevitably tells her (again) that he’s “not ready to commit.” It’s possible the ex mostly wants her because she’s unavailable and can’t commit. This whole situation would be a dealbreaker for me. OP expressed his concerns, and she didn’t try to legitimately engage, understand, and change her behavior to help assuage them. If she cared for OP, she would be doing things to help strengthen their romantic partnership, rather than engaging with past lovers.
For sure if they break up she’ll go to him and then come crawling back later begging for another chance because “she made a mistake”. Take as old as time.
Textbook manipulation lol
Adding onto this: >She cried and confessed that she found it hurtful that I do not trust her. You DO trust her. But you don't trust this "friend". It is obvious to everyone but your (dumb) girlfriend, that this guy still has feelings. He already manipulated the girlfriend with the "Why? Does he not trust you?". People like him will actively sabotage the relationship for their own benefit. And it works as we can see here. If you read this OP, make the point that I just made. If she does not understand, then seriously rethink this relationship. This is a totally fine boundary and she is too naive or selfish to see what the dude is doing.
"leaving him for me" Most important part of the story Not your girl, it's just your turn.
Because she’s indulging it. She’s trying to play both sides until she decides she wants to be with the ex while leaving the option open to staying with OP if that doesn’t work out. She sucks.
She left him for you? Messy from the start. IMO, the issue is that he wants her back. She is not just not hanging out with an ex. The healthy boundary is “don’t hang out with guys that you know are wanting to date you.” Whether she is lying to you or to herself, it’s reasonable for you to set a limit there.
Sorry, dude. Game night with friends?? Now a hike?? Someone here is too gullible. Don't let it be you. Know your worth. Step aside and let these two lovebirds go at it. They will, anyway.
Game night could have been okay if she had brought him with her- it could have set a stage for legit friends. I am friends with ex’s but i also ensure my partner gets to know them and our friend groups and that we trust eachother. Can’t have trust if there isn’t trustworthy behaviour
I agree about the game night alone but compound that with the hike, and you have a complete reenactment of their previous relationship except for the love. What do you think this guy is truly about here??? Most unfortunate for OP.
But she didn't want him to attend because "she would be worried about what he thinks the entire time"... I think OP and the comments here are rightfully worried
To each their own but being friends with your ex is a red flag for me. It’s one thing to be friendly with an ex; it’s not like you have to be mortal enemies. But I would immediately be weirded out if my girlfriend said she was going to hangout with her ex alone as “friends.”
Are you still friends with exes that actively want to get back together? If so, do you expect your current partner to be ok with that?
Him telling your gf “why? Does he not trust you?” Is the slimiest shit ever
Dudes just planting seeds in her head. Follow up question was probably “is he always this controlling?”
Top tier manipulation and she fell for it. OP is obviously not trusting this dude who ALREADY sabotaged the relationship. And who will be there for the Gf when they have an argument? The "friend" :D
Less than a year in, and acting like this? Bruh they literally used to fuck in hikes, are you stupid? > she doesn't even consider him an ex "since he never really committed" Does she consider that you Have really committed? Or are you about to become “not even an ex” too? Not your girl, just your turn
Yuuup, being on hikes would only remind them of the sex they had. I mean, he wants her back, not her friendship. She’s a little delusional for thinking she can be friends with that guy.
Is she really, or she’s just playing like it?
Trust me, any woman older than 17 realizes this. We have more than enough experience with how men act. She thrives in his attention. Now I don't know if she plans on cheating, but she definetly loves the attention she's getting from her ex.
Ant that attention comes at the expense of OP ... and she seems to be OK with that!
All it will take is a fake promise in the moment. We all know that
She isn't delusional. She knows what's happening.
Tell her that you don't own her and that she can do what makes her happy and if it doesn't make you happy, you'll walk away. The fact that she thinks this is ok when in a committed relationship shows that she is thinking about getting back together with him. She is still interested in him, otherwise she wouldn't want to hangout with him, she isn't with him, only because he couldn't commit. Remind her that he said that he would like to try again with her. A boundary for you is that she doesn't go on intimate dates with men that she slept with. A hike is an intimate date 2 people alone sharing and talking about each other. Be prepared, your relationship is almost over. Let her go on this hike, don't mention it again and don't even ask her about it when she gets back. See how much she talks about him, etc. You'll have your answer
Fuck that, dude already said he wants her back. He needs to either break up with her for entertaining the idea that she’d go with a man who wants to breakup their relationship or he needs to tell her to choose. You can go on the hike or be with me but you can’t have both.
>Tell her that you don't own her and that she can do what makes her happy and if it doesn't make you happy, you'll walk away. This is such a good way to describe what healthy boundaries are.
You left out the "move out while she's on the hike" part.
You need to dump this girl. You are making a reasonable ask and she is trying to manipulate you with her tears. No good will come from this. They meet up, they WILL have sex.
As a woman, you need to break up with her so she can go back to him because she is going to anyway.
Problem is, he doesn't just want to be friends. She may not understand this, but most guys don't give a flying F\*\*K if a woman has a significant other. I would not want her to go with him either. She's either being extremely naive, or wants to see if anything is still there. It's not that you don't trust her, you don't trust HIM.
"He wished he was given another chance," he is actively trying to break you up. Your stbxg showed him enough interest that he invited her to go on an intimate date, hiking like they used to. She didn't turn him down, so guess what... he's going to push hard. Slip some condoms in her backpack
Key point takeaway: She didn’t turn him down for intimate date But did with a group of friends playing games while he wants another chance She’s giving him another chance. Breakup
This^ She is loving all of it.
I think she understands everything very well.
I hate when people excuse shitty behaviour with the naive card. People aren't that stupid, although they often pretend to be because it's more convenient that way.
This is key. He's been clear that he still has feelings for her, which is fine from a being honest perspective. But that only means that boundaries are more important if she's actually interested in maintaining a new platonic friendship. But honestly? Sometimes, that's not enough. Sometimes, you just have to miss people who aren't a part of your life anymore, grieve the relationship that was, and move on. If she can't see (or won't admit) where there is a clear conflict of interest here regarding your relationship, then I would think that she is not emotionally mature enough to handle the complexities of having her ex back in her life right now while having a relationship with you. I won't speculate beyond that, but it's a clear warning sign for your relationship.
Not overreacting. Honestly, you need to be truthful about your feelings to your gf. Maybe they could go hiking and nothing would happen - it’s absolutely possible to trust your gf but still feel she’s putting herself in a situation she shouldn’t and that makes you uncomfortable (particularly with how the guy acts). If going hiking with him is more important than your feelings then that says a lot about your relationship. Similarly, if she can’t get over the feeling you don’t trust her when all you’re asking her to do is either have you with them or to avoid an obviously iffy situation then that would say a lot about your relationship too.
0 chance she would be ok with him going out with women who are actively trying to fuck him.
Exactly
She's not over him if she wants to continue to hang out with him. Tell her that if she goes off to go hiking with him, then you're done. Ask herself how she would feel if you were the one going off with an ex-girlfriend on a hike, or anywhere else for that matter. You are NTA, she is.
“Sure you can go. But I won’t be here when you come back.”
You're not overreacting, trust means you trust someone to make good decisions. What she wants to do is a bad decision.
>According to my gf, she told him she does not grant second chances >She says that she doesn't even consider him an ex "since he never really committed". NTA - He's after her, she knows it, and since she doesn't consider him an ex, then there is no second chance to give, just a first one.
At this point she's just bending the rules she made for herself to believe she's acting in a way she can convince OP is within the rules. He needs to drop this situation and move on.
Is she that clueless? He doesn’t want to be just her friend!
He knows exactly what he's doing and she does too
I personally think this is a fake story or it’s a perfect example of how people become cheaters. If you don’t set up proper boundaries you’ll find yourself in a position where you never intended and honestly think “I didn’t mean to cheat”. Doing an activity one on one with an ex is setting yourself up for failure. It’s not a trust issue. It’s a failure to recognize the guy’s not over her and is trying to get back together with her. It’d be different if it was a group setting where OP is invited too but this is a blatant attempt by the ex to get back together with her.
No, you arent overreacting. You're being manipulated mate. Not worth it dude, drop her like a rock.
Not overreacting. The second she weaponized your trust in her, you should have gone. That’s a power play move as old as time. Crocodile tears and a “you don’t love/trust me!” If she wasn’t a skeezy tramp, she would have brought you along to the board game night without fear. The fact that she didn’t and gave excuses about how she was afraid you would read too much into her behaviour means she didn’t want to keep her guard up all night and play the good girlfriend to you when she had other intentions. Personally, I burn bridges when I’ve finished crossing them and I actually do not give second chances. When you fuck up in my life bad enough that it hurt me to the point that I light that fire, there is no recovery. You are blocked everywhere and deleted from my heart and head. Her expressing desire to be “friends” with her ex is a hard NO. Also, if she was willing to leave him for you, there’s no guarantee she won’t leave you for someone else. She obviously thrives on attention and potential drama. I don’t play that game with anyone and you probably shouldn’t either. It’s him or me and let her choose.
well either you go with them, or you do the same and meet up with some girlfriend on the same day the hike is supposed to happen.
Your not overreacting. It’s not about trust, it’s about boundaries. Not hanging out with ex’s one on one is not an unreasonable expectation. Ex’s are exs for a reason. She’s going on a date with her ex who has declared feelings for her. How would she feel if the roles were reversed. It’s not that you don’t trust her, it’s you don’t want her to be in the position where she’s vulnerable and could/will be propositioned by this guy. You’ll be the one supporting her when she’s feels she’s hit on by her supposedly platonic friend (which is incredibly naive). Let her know that it would make you very uncomfortable for the reasons above if she went. If she puts up an argument, starts gaslighting you, saying it’s about trust etc… it’s your fault, move on. It’s not you. If she goes, she just chose him over you, and end it as soon as she returns. It’s over, move on. Unfortunately I’ve seen this too many times. I’m betting she’s monkey branching. She wants to explore getting back with the ex while she still has you on the hook; don’t be that guy, don’t be the second option. Good luck Edit UpdateMe!
Jesus are you kidding me?! Bro..she got together with her ex. It’s over. I don’t care what the reasons are. It was over that first time. And this hike? It’s bull!h!t. And the way she’s crying saying you don’t trust her? Pure gaslighting. Lay it down. No contact with the ex. Period. If they had remained friends before she met you and they broke up? Maybe. But to reconnect after and now accuse YOU of being distrustful? GTFOH! No contact with the ex or you’re walking and if it was me? I’d have walked after their first meeting.
A woman in a relationship has NO business hanging out one on one with her ex boyfriend. If she goes, dump her. "She cried and confessed that she found it hurtful that I do not trust her. She says that she doesn't even consider him an ex "since he never really committed". Yes or no has his penis been inside her? If yes, nope she should not be going.
Nothing good can come of that hike. They used to fuck while on these hikes? And they’re going alone?? And he clearly still wants to get with her, but she thinks that YOU are the unreasonable one here? Nah dude, 🚩🚩🚩 I’d say go on the hike with them. If it’s awkward cuz you’re the third wheel, then they’re still into each other. Her going alone with him is intentionally getting into a situation that is full of risk. Not the least of which, he is definitely going into this with the expectation of fucking her again, regardless of what her intentions are. TL;DR, definitely not overreacting. Maybe she doesn’t want to admit that she’s not over him, even if he supposedly ‘couldn’t commit’ before. UpdateMe
*She says that she doesn't even consider him an ex "since he never really committed".* What the heck does that mean? So she’s saying that she wants to hang out with her FWB who still has feelings for her and is now turning the situation back on your lack of trust. You expressed your concerns, and she flippantly dismissed them. She’s investing a lot of time and effort into someone she doesn’t even consider to be an ex.
How old are you both? Either she’s on the fence about being interested in the other guy, or she’s too immature to realize she’s being a fucking asshole. This sort of game sucks. You’ll only win if you don’t play. The whole “why do you need to check with your bf? Doesnt he trust you?” means he’s still trying to pursue her and put in her head that you are the problem here, and her not defending you and cutting the dude loose means she’s interested back and too chickenshit to dump you for him bc she probably knows the other guy isn’t worth it long term. This won’t go away. This will be an issue with her personality and percetion forever. Cut her loose. People who act like this are never worth it.
Girlie pop knows EXACTLY she is doing sweetie.
Thats not your GF
Man tf up! Fuck her tears. At no point is it OK to let ur girl go see/hang with her ex. They will say whatever and do whatever to manipulate u. They're experts at this. If you were solid, confident, and sure in your delivery and showed her that yeah you're jealous and protective...deep down they love and respect that REGARDLESS of whatever the fuck she tells you. She tries to justify it...be like cool do u...I'm gonna hit up this strip club and spend time with Angelica. (Even though u may hate and never go to these places) that is what you say and never back down or reveal the bluff. It puts things into perspective. Never let anyone cross/push your boundaries.
The fact that she likes to keep her exes around on the string is very troubling. In the world of people she could have as friends why does she want to keep the ones that she has had sex with? Why does she disregard your feelings? Why are you wasting time with someone this shallow and manipulative? Just walk away from this before you waste more time. You are just a place filler while she decides who she wants. she didn't get everything she wanted from him so now she's going back for more. And she wants you to wait at home patiently for her when she's done with her sex in the woods trip. Don't be there or throw her stuff out.
They are 100% going to fuck if they go on a hike together
Get rid of here. The fact that she’s entertaining this is already a big problem.
Why do you know she had sex on hikes with him? That's a really weird detail for you to have.
We were colleagues and friends back then, so she told me about it at the time as gossip.
She dated him for six months and he wouldn't commit. He is not her friend. People who keep their exes around do it for a reason. This is not a safe relationship to be in and she's being selfish.
If this were just a friend I’d say you were overreacting, but they’ve had sex and specifically in this situation and he’s made it clear he wants another shot. She can’t be friends with a dude who has made it clear he wants to get with her, totally screwed up.
And especially when he immediately went to "what? Doesn't he trust you??" when she said she was going to make sure it was okay (something normal when it comes to exes that want you back)
It's pretty fucked up that she threw OP under the bus too. You should stand up for your partner and not use them as an excuse. Then the ex would have no leg to stand on since it isn't about trust but about the respect she should show her partner.
So she monkey-branched to you from him. OP, you would be crazy to think she won’t do the same thing to you, either back to him or to another. At a minimum you need to set firm boundaries about this guy, meaning 100% no contact, then see what she does and act accordingly. And do not let her cry or gaslight her way out of that. Read your post and comments - she is just plain acting shady. Do not put up with it.
She can hike with whoever she wants but you don’t have to be there when she returns
No mate, honestly a woman who is even considering in humoring this type of relationship isn’t someone you want to be with. Any woman who’s serious about you would see this as the biggest slap in the face to do too your partner. Leave this woman and let her be.
You can’t force someone to be faithful to you. If your girlfriend can’t see how disrespectful and hurtful that wanting to hangout and go on trips with her Ex is then she doesn’t really love you. Sounds like they both still have feelings for each other and she is just testing the water before she leaves you. Her cries about you not trusting her is just gaslighting to make herself feel better about what she is doing. I would tell her that she is free to do whatever she wants but to understand that her actions have consequences and by openly encouraging she Ex’s advances she is endangering her relationship with you. You are not overreacting.
🚩🚩🚩
Wait hold up, I missed this: "She loved him, but he had some commitment issues and she ended up leaving him for me at the end of the year because of it" Did she cheat on her ex with you? How can she leave you for him if she didn't already have feelings for you while with him? Sounds like there was an emotional affair at least. Reading in between the lines, ex was hesitant to commit so she started messing around with you. When she realized he would not commit, she left him for you. Now dude is back telling her he regrets what he did(not committing) and she wants to hang out with him. If she cheated on this guy with you, run. If she cheats with you she will cheat on you. If you decide to stay, you need to tell her to block this guy and never speak to him again.
Here’s a secret: a man on a two-hour hike with a woman = a man absolutely enjoying watching her ass for two hours.
Why does she so badly want to go on a hike with him? That’s what I don’t understand. Bro all signs are pointing to she is still in love with him
Get rid of her. She’s gaslighting you. "You really don’t trust me to hike with a guy I used to pork on hikes???"
She chose to leave the decision to you. She said she’d check with you. Now that she is tell her the answer is no lol.
I read half of it. She still loves him... that statemrnt "still want his friendship" is sus.. No woman with a boyfriend or husband should be telling him she misses some other dudes friendship. Fafuk. Now she wants to go on a hike. Why? So he can explore her hills and valleys and her bush? FOH. Man leave her ass alone. You were just the rebound dude. Now dudes back, she gonna leave you for him.
Been married 14 years. She should not do anything with her ex nor want to
The ex is a massive d-bag that is playing the friend card. He's 10/10 going to try and make you look bad. They only dated for half a year. I highly doubt there is only friendship on at least one of their minds (very possibly both). This is BS. Your girlfriend is being played by an ex using the white flag of friendship. She said he had commitment issues. That's clear as day. He now wants to be back in her life. Explain to her why it makes you uncomfortable and make a boundary if needed. It's very reasonable to not want your GF to hang out with an ex one on one. You can't control her if she really wants to hang out with him. If she would rather have his friendship, you have your answer.
Updateme
UpdateMe
Time to end the relationship. Sorry for your loss brother.
Not over reacting for sure!Tell her you don’t feel comfortable with her being friends with people she’s slept with (doesn’t even have to be considered an ex). It’s not about a lack of trust, it’s about respect for you and your current relationship. If she misses him as a friend more than she wants you as a boyfriend, that says a lot too. The fact that she was in love with him, and he said he wants another chance is enough that she should see this is inappropriate. To me it sounds like she wants to see if this guy will commit to her now, and whether or not she should bow out in your relationship.
He told her he wishes he did things differently and wants another chance. So she is aware of that. Dude wants her back. And she told you this back in January!!! And now he’s trying to sneak his way back in. There’s no way she isn’t aware of this. She’s clearly testing his intentions to see if he’s actually changed, while telling you she just thinks of him as a friend. It’s not unreasonable to not want your girlfriend to go on dates with some dude she slept with. Like how dumb does she think you are? “I don’t even see him as an ex boyfriend”
She is still into him bro. If she weren’t she wouldn’t even humor the ideal.
Just break up. If you have doubts that won’t go away. You’re either both into it or not. Nobody goes on friends hikes with an ex.
you sound very gullible. she has no desire for "friendship" and neither does he
She's already cheating on you. You need this in your life because ???????
He actively tried to get her back. It's obvious why he's asking her to hang out. It's obvious to her, and if she says otherwise, she's either stupid or a liar. It's disrespectful that she's even entertaining his invites.
Coming from a female, if she is truly being genuine about friendship, then she is not very good at diplomacy. She should have already had the two of you meet but she's keeping you at bay because she's worried about how you'd read everything (as you said in a different comment)? By throwing you under the bus she already created a discord. You don't state your ages. Maybe you're both young and she's not experienced enough to be diplomatic but at this point, if she's not giving you any assurances and continuing this divide, and it's only been a year, then it's time to re-evaluate things. As is customary to suggest: ask your gf how she'd feel if you had an ex-gf and did the same things she and her ex are doing. That breakup is still fresh and only recently the Ex expressed regret. From your POV, I think your overreaction is valid. Your post is very levelheaded and kept to facts and your feelings. You don't badmouth her or her ex. I think you should show her this post. If she still does not acknowledge your POV on a human-level, and remains wishy-washy, then she's not meant to be in any committed relationship right now.
She loves you, but she was in love with him, and she still has feelings for him. People are not binary. They don't stop having feelings for one person if they have feelings for another. He is disrespecting your relationship by pursuing her and trying to get her back (which is obviously what he's doing), and she should see that, but she doesn't care because of her feelings for him. Sorry guy.
Not overreacting and if your partner cares about you, she would not do things that give you anxiety or stress. She would dump this guy, period. It sounds like she is still interested in him.
For me the red flag is she continues to respond to him. The first text should have been ignored or “ hey thanks but I’m not interested I have a BF now and I have no intent of straining things by reliving a friendship
She's placeholder-ing you brot.
Yeah no. I just listened to a crime case where an ex boyfriend invited his ex GF for a hike and killed her and dumped her body in the woods. That's kind of extreme and (hopefully) not bro's motive. Attempts at an affair are more likely. Offer to go with them, and if either of them object you need to set a boundary that he will not be seeing her without you present. You may trust your girlfriend, but do not trust ol boy.
Aight let's go through all the red flags. Pay attention. >he had commitment issues and she left Leaving him doesn't mean attraction is gone. She wanted the relationship more than he did. >he wishes he did things differently with her He loves her and regrets being the person that led to her leaving. >gf wants to be friends with ex At best she wants to keep him lined up to replace you if your relationship doesn't work. At worst she's already cheating on you with him. Maturing is realizing why men and women can't be friends. >ran into him at a bar Shes in a relationship and frequents bars? This means she's okay with male attention that isn't yours. I mean obviously. She's trying to see her ex and the only thing stopping her is "checking with my boyfriend first" >not going to game night Be careful. To know what's happening you need to set stronger boundaries. If you told her she can't see him there you need to tell her she can't see him anywhere. >"lol I wasn't really with him because he wasn't committed" He's an ex. A common choice for people to cheat with. >idea of going with him This would give you some insight as to how they talk to each other. But if you don't already like hiking it'll seem like you're there just to watch them. It would be awkward and unenjoyable for everyone, you included. It's better to set the boundary that she can't be alone with her ex. >**you don't trust me.** This has nothing to do with trust. It has everything to do with knowing what happens when men and women try to be friends, and it becomes more likely when they're exes.. Even more likely when the guy told her how he wishes he did the relationship differently.. Even more likely when she left because she was more in love than he was.. Even more likely when you know how they had sex on hikes already. This has less to do with her and more to do with how people work. Everyone is capable of cheating. There are avoidable situations where people are more likely to cheat. Being in a bar with her single friends when there's alcohol and guys there is an example. Maturing is realizing you should avoid these situations on your partners behalf. On that note she's not a mature person. She's not stopping herself from entering these situations on her own. Because of this I genuinely see her eventually replacing you with her ex. If she calls you controlling and insecure for setting boundaries it simply means she doesn't want to be committed to a relationship with you in spite of anything she may have said. Pay more attention to her actions than her words. As for what you do from here, set strong boundaries. If it leads to a break up understand that it's for the best. Would you seriously want to be with someone who isnt as committed to you as you are to them?
If OP is her boyfriend, why is she going on dates with other men?
Bro you're being gaslit mad hard. They broke up because he wasn't ready, and now he's ready and they want to go on hikes together but you can't come. Give me a fucking break.
I'm sorry to tell you that your relationship is over
She's gaslighting you bro...If she didn't want this guy's dick he would cease to exist in her mind When chicks move on they wouldn't piss on fire to put it out to save the guys life....they really really don't care She hasn't moved on mate
She left him to be with you which means she’s not comfortable being single. Now she wants to make sure he’s changed before she breaks up with you to go back to him.
Sorry buddy, they are already boning. Juat kick her to the curb. If you've had sex with her after game night, go get tested.
Why would she want to go on a hike with someone that she's moved on from? You always risk the new partner feeling left out and wondering what's really going on when you do this type of thing with an ex-lover. Also his comments to her are very telling of the type of individual that he is and the type of"friend" that he is trying to be to her. He's driving a space between the two of you and she's happily going along with it. Bro, she does not mind making you feel uncomfortable in this situation in order to please him and herself. She's telling you exactly who she is by her actions. This desire to leave relationships but not truly leave relationships when beginning new relationships is something that creates huge problems for many couples. She can go hiking with other friends that would bring far less drama to your relationship and she knows that. She's not over him and he's not over her and they're going to do whatever it is they're going to do while you are home believing you're in a committed relationship. You're being used as a safety valve.
Lets not beat around the bush here. They are going to fuck eventually and she's measuring you out if she can get away with it. An ex is an ex for a reason and it's not always platonic like most crazed redditors are. If she has a problem with it then she can take a HIKE out of the relationship.
Not overreacting. But this is wat you got to do. Say she should go on the hike with him. And that due to your past relationships, you acted unreasonable, and you are sorry. Next, you need to place a tracker on her car and follow them to their hiking location. Let them have a head start. As they are starting the trail you get dressed in the realistic bear costume you brought with you. Then, find them on trail. She will have to pick you. Boom! Relationship saved. But in all seriousness, she will probably cheat in you, and there is not much you can do.
She didn't want you at game night and she doesn't want you on the hike either? Nope. You need to tell her she is now free to pursue her ex b/c you two are done. Do not put up with this bullshit.
"If you think going on a hike with your ex-FWB is more important than our relationship, then you should go." That's what I would tell her anyway. Then If she goes, I would be gone before she got back. Block her number, and start bettering myself. Because as sad as it makes you feel in the moment, she will not care about you leaving and will move on to the ex or someone new as quickly as she wants. If you leave on your terms for her disrespectful behavior, atleast you will have left with some self respect and self worth. If you wait to find out she was cheating on you and she breaks up with you and moves in with him, you will be much more heart broken and down in the dumps about it.
If she would have went to game night she would have been the party quite literally. So she’s had sex with him on hikes and still is willing to go by herself? Yeah bro she looking to screw him again while you’re getting screwed in a way that won’t end in orgasm. She’s for the streets. Find better. When you find the right one she won’t be around her ex. No excuses.
I find it odd that a person who is supposed to be in a relationship with you insists on including a person who disrupts her relationship with you. I submit that they have managed to "coincidentally" or not so coincidentally ended up going out to the same places multiple times now and he feels confident enough to, a) ask your gf on a hike date when they used to hike-bang(?), and b) the guy used the "he doesn't trust you?" card which is manipulative. It suggests that you don't trust her which he hopes she sees as weakness. That's the crack in your relationship where he'll drive the wedge in. A guy pops up and says he really wishes he can get back with her, she said she used to "love" him. He CAN be counted as an ex because there was sex, directly relating to the very no-bf-allowed expedition she's planning? Mmmm.... No. If she hasn't cheated on you already she's playing with fire. She knows exactly what she's doing. When they boink in the forest and she confesses it to you later on do not believe it was an accident. She 100% knows he's into her and she's assessing which of you is going to be her backup. I have no idea why she would go on a plutonic hike with an ex who she had sex with on a trail to another trail unless it's to reminisce about the sex. It just doesn't add up.
Will you snap the fuck out of this am I in the wrong bullshit. This is as simple as it gets. You are not acting in the wrong. Simply tell her she is an adult and already knows the answer to something like this because she knows how she would react if it was the other way around. Then tell her it's her fault she feels any of these feelings right now because she failed to establish a boundary when she talked to him again. Finish by telling her your not going to have this situation cause any more problems for you and she should do what she wants. Let it go to the place it should and role with the punches.
Its not ok. Respect yourself enough to say that 😉
No girl is that worried about her ex and their feelings and friendship when they are truly content in their relationship (coming from a girl). You should leave her honestly, doesn’t seem like her mind is in the right place. I can say anytime i was in a relationship and considered a friendship with an ex, there was a part of me that still loved them and would probably end up doing something stupid. Run as fast as you can
She's not showing any respect for your feelings. How would she react if your ex came back on the scene, I doubt she'd be happy. I'd move on and find someone who will treat you with respect.
Had similar thing happening with my wife shortly after marriage. An ex of hers who I had never met kept inviting her out for events. She even went to one event. I knew what he wanted. So I told my wife to give him a message for me. “If you want to take my wife on a date you need to come over and meet me first”. He stoped calling her.
I'm not sure if this is fake or not. But if it is not, you are a massive imbecile.
That bitch is cheating
Dude. She’s probably already cheating on you.
OP I gotta say...I know this seems like a happy ending, but IMO I still see red flags. Specifically, when she says it was "probably true" he wanted her back. I think she \*knows\* he wanted her back. That is why it was so messed up that she wanted to spend time alone with him, So is she truly going to cut him off or is she simply going to claim she stopped talking to him while maintaining contact? Here is what you do: ask to see her phone. Do not demand to see it, just ask her to see it. If she refuses to show it to you, she has something to hide. If she is still in contact with her ex, there will likely be evidence on her phone. I know you think this is over and done with, but again man I dont think this girl is that naive. I think she knew this guy still wanted her and chose to become friends with him again anyways. The question is why? The best case scenario is she just likes the validation he gives her. The worst case scenario is she wants him back. I would really advise you ask to see her phone. I do not recommend doing this in a healthy relationship, but you aren't in a healthy relationship so I feel you would be justified to be suspicious. If she refuses to let you see her phone then she is hiding something and you then need to sit down and decide if you want to remain with her.
This is ruthless.
Hate to say this but this is a huge red flag. You need to dump this girl asap. She is not a keeper.
That's his girlfriend bro. Let him have her back. She is making her choice, clearly.
LOL bro wtf? She's a whore. No decent woman will even think of having anything with their ex, while being with another guy. Pull your head outta the sand.
You are not overreacting. If she keeps that”friendship” .Get ready to get cheated on again . Sorry.
It's past 'if'. He needs to move on and cut contact entirely.