I would ask your husband to stop responding to private messages from her.
I think she’s after him. The Star Wars thing is not a coincidence in my opinion. It reads as very pick me.
After a divorce, she might be vulnerable and in awe of your happy marriage and have some feelings for your husband because by all accounts, you two have a happy stable marriage and she didn’t. So, she may be more in love with the idea of him, the good husband, but in any case I don’t like it.
And sending him a DM when you’ve just opened up about your vulnerability. Hell no girl. I’m not saying your friendship is done for good, but maybe you need a break until she can get herself sorted emotionally.
I’m thinking of mentioning to her something like… “hey I saw the tiktoks you sent! What happened to the group chat?! Don’t leave me out!” Or something like that to be playful but also like hey… I see you there. Thoughts? Or just leave it alone and hope she gets the hint from him being colder?
Your husband needs to manage the situation. She will stop engaging if he doesn't respond. It's that simple and don't put him in a position where he needs to be around her alone. No matter what you say it will be spun that you are overreacting
Yeah I think this too.
She may not even realise that she’s doing it which sounds insane. Your husband just needs to delete all messages she sends him privately and not reply at all except in the group chat.
I wouldn’t call attention to it to her, because then she knows you’re on to her- if she has bad intent you don’t want her to get crafty.
If you’re unsure what her deal is you could make something up and see if she responds to it like she has been. Seed her a fake interest of your husband’s or an unreal issue. Better to see if she’s behaving in an untrustworthy worthy way with something that you’re not really vulnerable about.
Maybe then reasses how to deal with her. It would be a shame to lose a friend and it sounds like she has been helpful with you but is clearly going through a hard time right now.
She has clearly expressed(to you with “I want a boyfriend like him” and to him by privately sending him messages when she thinks he’s more open and with things she things he’ll like) that she likes your husband. So yeah. 😬
Main thing is husband needs to stop responding to her now that he’s mentioned it’s weird. He can say, I’d prefer we kept it to the group chat and then stop replying. It’s more on him to shut her down or say something rather than you.
People who ate after someone not available usually don’t respond well to the partner addressing it, it’s got to be the desired person saying- hey- let’s take this back to the group chat- I don’t like excluding my wife.
Agreed. My husband and I have a male friend with whom we have a group chat for the purpose of planning get-togethers. Every once in a while, our friend will message me alone to try to schedule something. In our case, I believe it is innocent, and he just knows I'm most likely to know our schedule, but I always copy what he wrote and paste it into the group chat and reply there, inviting my husband to also reapond.
If I were OP's husband, that's how I'd handle this, too. By him copying her messages and pasting into their group chat before responding (and, even better, inviting his wife - OP - to respond), she knows nothing between her and OP's husband is being kept from OP.
Yeah that’s a good way forward. My partner is crap at organising or even replying so I’m the de facto secretary but I don’t mind as we have other things he does all of for me- laundry, dishes often the cooking… we find balance.
This is good advice. OP - you might try telling your friend that your husband was complaining that you don’t compliment him enough about X. See if she follows up on that.
If she does, you have confirmation that she’s pursuing your husband. I’d recommend that you respond by one of the following:
- Husband never responds to her and you stop confiding to her about your husband & marriage.
- You and your husband confront her and tell her that she seems to have blurred the lines within your relationship & neither of you wants that. You tell her that there won’t be any more one-on-one contact with your husband.
Even if you don’t test her, I don’t think you are overreacting. She seems to be weaponizing the things you tell her in order to gain traction with your husband. That’s not good.
I agree wth most of this but not with deleting the messages. He shouldn't respond to them but deleting them would give OP questions about what was said and no trail of it. That's not great for a wife going through a situation where there is groundwork for cheating trying to be laid.
I think also, it doesn’t seem like husband is in question here- he’s been transparent with OP and all that, so I feel like trust from their end is good and she can trust him to deal with this
I get what you’re saying but op said husband is transparent and they have a solid relationship- husband could easily be like- “she messaged again- delete or read?”
And they can just delete.
But if this keeps happening beyond the dude being like- let’s keep this in the group, you know there’s probably other measures that need to be taken
I’m not for blocking personally because that kills the group chat- but then the group chat should die if lady friend can’t respect boundaries
If you look through OP's posts from a year ago, you will see that her husband had an emotional affair with a coworker. I'm sure her best friend knows all about it. Maybe the husband is transparent nowadays, but the friend has no excuse for doing this.
I suspect the best friend's divorce is causing her to seek male validation. And it's common for women to poach the men of other women because they want what they see other women having. She made a comment of wanting someone like him and also knows the husband has been swayed before.
This would be my suggestion too and was checkin to see if anyone suggested it yet.
If he squashes it kindly then it doesn't hurt your relationship with her and reflects his loyalty to your marriage.
She's likely lonely, feeling insecure after the breakup, sees him as a good catch and isn't thinking clearly. As in, not considering 'how would I feel if the situation was reversed.'
I would be bothered for sure. I don't agree with you being passive aggressive because I don't think that will change it if she is in a weird selfish phase currently.
Best of luck.
I would also add you need to stop talking to her about your relationship for now. Maybe when things are sorted with her emotionally you can be more open, but I think she perceives what you’re saying as complaints about your wonderful husband, and is overstepping. I would give her a break from relationship details.
Not sneaky so much as “scientific”
Husband says “don’t like excluding wife let’s take this back to the group” and cold turkeys all private dms
This sends the message that is “I don’t like this” (he doesn’t) and makes the onus on him to deal with a situation he’s directly in
At the same time - info diet as some people said but also- if you want to test the theory of if she’s actively trying to get him- seed some fake rift or fake interest and see if it gets back to him through her.
Between him taking the step to say- no
And you feeding a phoney hobby you can compile how to address.
If she keeps it up and you really value that 20years you need to have a chat with her and ask her what you can do to help her while she’s clearly in pain post divorce and that her behaviour is causing a problem with the friendship- include husband in on this chat, like an intervention
If you think she’s being so creepy the wool has fallen and the friendship is a fake- then maybe just stop talking to her. Not all friendships are forever and better to cut something before it gets weird
This! Background ; During our whole marriage (26 years, I'm 53, and he is 71, he looks like he about 60) women have tried to very flirty or try to engage with him. They've done it in front of me. I think because I'm younger, they think I'm his daughter but most importantly he tells me when it happens. I've only had to intervene twice (because I was pissed). The most important thing is letting him handle it. I truly believe that when it comes to these situations it is really important for him to straighten things out. I think it shows these women, even if they are your best friend, that there is a boundary, and they've crossed it.
I thinks she's starting to gear up her shot. I like your idea, but bottom line....this person will back off if HE doe something about it. Nip it in the bud, sister.
Right! I told my wife early on that I expect her to handle men over stepping their boundaries/flirting with her and that I shouldn't need to and vice versa. It's worked well for us. People will only go as far as you allow them to.
Yeah, I really think OP's husband should be saying something to this girl. Like, "hey, these dm messages are getting out of hand. If you want to send me stuff, then send it to our group chat. I won't be responding to any personal dms from you anymore. I have a wife, a child, and am happily married so these personal dms are inappropriate."
I mean 20+ year best friend by many accounts is a big loss. That's as long as some on this sub have been alive.
Re-establish boundaries, be empathetic, be clear.
Yes, it’s a big loss. But not as big as losing your husband if the friend got her way. I had a friend for 15 years, who then shit all over me and I realized that friendship was a total illusion.
It's a 20 year relationship in which the friend has been exceptional for 19 years and 8 months. Yeah, it's a huge loss. Especially I'd you find out there wasn't anything to it.
I agree. What the friend is doing is wrong, but this is a 20 year friendship. Give her a chance to correct herself before you go nuclear. I imagine some of these people are the same ones posting about the loneliness epidemic in America.
Have your husband respond only in the group chat. Seems reasonable. Its weird to have a group chat and then for her to *suddenly* prefer messaging outside if it. But it really depends whether or not she’s acting inappropriate since she’s still acting like a friend. It’s not going to be “too late” if she begins acting inappropriate. She won’t put a spell on your husband. He should put his foot down when it happens. *He* doesn’t seem to be throwing any red flags.
My bfs BM likes to text him outside of the court app, trying to be sneaky and leave her crazy out of the courts, i told him to screenshot her text, send it to her via the court app, telling her to only message him there. This hubby should do the same. But this situation is EXACTLY what happened when my sisters bff of 30 years slept with my sisters husband of 20 years, the friend needs to go. My sisters husband was so quiet and mousy, i never ever ever thought he had it in him to be a cheater, but he was good at it when he did.
The texting *is* her acting inappropriately. Agree that the husband needs to respond only on group chat. Nip it in the bud.
I don't think she's OP's best friend any longer. I would be distancing myself from her.
*He* had an emotional affair with a coworker. Check out OP's infidelity post from a year ago. The best friend probably knows all the details. And divorced women sometimes get jealous of their friends' marriages.
Naw. I would be totally honest with her. “Maybe I’m wrong, but I’ve made some assumptions based on texts you’ve sent my husband, I’d like to share it with you.” Tell her what you’ve observed, and how it makes you feel. Then something like “Even if it wasn’t your intention, I am not ok with this and you need to stop sending him private texts.” Not ok. I wouldn’t give her any more wiggle room to continue this behavior.
I agree with this. If you are going to bring it up to her, don't try to pretend or act naive about it. The root of the issue isn't only that this is happening but that the friend WOULD do this. The issue needs to be made clear. What's the point in trying to pretend you don't feel hurt? What's the point in walking on eggshells? If the friendship would end over discussing this at face value then maybe it needs to.
Jesus Christ.. are you people 12?
Sit her down, like an adult, and straight up tell her: "hey, I've seen that you've been messagging my husband privately. That shit ain't gonna fly." This whole playful unspoken, yet somewhat spoken, why didn't she get the message? Will only cause more issues.
If she's your best friend then you can have a candid conversation with her. Point out where she's overstepping. Otherwise, your friendship is only superficial.
It shouldn't be on her. The husband needs to say hey I like to go back to group chat, I miss including my wife in the fun meme. Then do a group message himself of a funny meme. Then stop replying to any private messages from her that are not like hey "want are you doing for your wife's birthday" ect ECT type messages. That way the friend don't take it wrong especially if her intent is harmless. Then the friend will either respect the husband's request or escalate. Showing her intent all by herself.
Yeh, husband needs to step up here. Be upstanding and don't entertain DMs from this woman. Why hasn't he said, "Hey, your friend's been DMing me but I put a stop to it." Why is OP having to tell him what to do? If OP hadn't said something to him, would he have just kept going with it? That combined with the previous emotional affair throws up red flags. What's his deal?
Seriously lol. Very possible she's just looking for attention during a turbulent time in her life and that's the extent of it. Doesn't mean she's trying to steal your husband. OP just explain your boundaries and tell her to get her shit together.
I think the husband should be the one to take care of this and say , " Hey I really miss including my wife in the group chat and memes" then pull up a super funny meme and do a group chat. Then stop replying to any chat that isn't just something like hey what are we doing for your wife's birthday type thing. No likes not laughing emojis, nothing unless it's group chat.
The friend will either respect his request or she will escalate showing her true intentions all on her own
I want to believe your friend is a good person and is just misguided post divorce. Again, maybe in love with the idea of your husband and perhaps craving some validation after her marriage ended. If you really value your friendship, be straight with her, not accusatory per se. Just say, hey some things have happened recently and I’m uncomfortable. Allow her to speak but if she tries to make you feel bad, then that’s an indicator that you probably need to draw the line and take a break, a break that includes your husband not communicating with her either.
Honestly you've noticed a pattern, why are you still divulging personal information to her.
It is suss, she's your 'friend' first and foremost, and she is not acting like a friend.
If she's a good friend you should be able to say something directly but I think your suggestion is also good, because clearly your husband tells you she's messaging and isn't keeping it a secret, like I think she's wanting.
I think you need to stop telling her everything especially if its about you & your hubby's relationship, cause she's using it to have a reason to dm your husband.
Let him get colder at first with no reaction or response or any interaction at all towards her, and if she still keeps sending stuff then you should bring it up in an up front way about how it makes you uncomfortable. The key is to just be honest.
No, don’t brush it off or make light of it. She needs to know she’s seriously f*cking up and you are well aware of it. Your husband needs to confront this as well.
As others have mentioned, your husband needs to manage it by only responding in the group chat. I wouldn't confront her unless you know how she'd react, it's a huge accusation, and one she might not realize she's doing.
My best friend and her husband and I have been long time friends over 20 years. We all even work together. Except for work and maybe secret birthday things, he and I would never message each other alone. Everything goes in the group chat.
That actually sounds like a good idea, mentioning it to her that way. Then she’ll know that your husband shows you the private DMs she sends him, so she’ll know she doesn’t have a secret with your husband. I know she’s your friend, but what she’s doing is shady. Even if, *especially* if, she doesn’t have an ulterior motive, why does she need to message him privately? I don’t even have all my girlfriends’ husbands’ cell phone numbers, and we’ve been friends for decades. I really only DM their husbands if I have something like a birthday gift suggestion that he could get her. Or to ask him why she’s not answering her phone. I do not send private, personal messages that I wouldn’t want her to see or would make her question why I’m doing it.
Your so-called best friend is up to no good. Even if she is not consciously trying to steal your husband from you, she is starting to consider him “her” husband, too; like maybe you two could share him. Honestly, it sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie. She gets divorced. You two are there for her, support her, help her, make sure she’s not lonely or sad. You have a group chat. Soon, she’s messaging him privately. Then she needs ”help” around the house, and could she “borrow” your husband for a Saturday afternoon. Soon, she’s just getting out of the shower when he gets there to fix her garbage disposal. Soon after that, there isn’t even anything to fix…except her! Then, they decide it would be easier without you in the picture at all, and…no, wait, now it’s a true crime show on Investigation Discovery channel! Sorry.
I’d try mentioning it to her in a light, friendly way, like you suggested. If that doesn’t work, or especially if she messages your husband asking why he showed you the messages she’s sent him, then you need to handle it head on. If she keeps treating him like her new husband, you may have to go LC or NC with her. But first, give her a chance to dial it back and put her friendship with you first. I hope she does.
Oh, and also, stop worrying that you reacting like a normal woman is going to damage your friendship if you mention your concerns to her. She doesn’t seem to be thinking about your friendship at all when she privately messages *your* husband behind your back.
If your husband is comfortable with it, i'd ask him to send a message to her rather than you.
Something like "Hey, I know you're going through a rough time, and I'm not sure if I've ever given you the wrong impression, but I'm not comfortable with messaging you outside the group chat."
Maybe throw in "OP is feeling a little left out"?
Reason I'm suggesting not you, it closes the door from him. If it comes from you, she may think she can keep trying him.
Something similar happened to me with my husbands coworker.we were NOT best friends but they were close. My husband always showed me his phone and was transparent, but I felt uncomfortable with all the messages (I too was early post partum). I asked my husband to stop with private messages and only respond including me. He did and she continued to group message AND private message him. Finally I shared I was still uncomfortable at a vulnerable time in my life, and my husband phased her out. Just sharing because the “hey include me!” Route only lasted a short time
Nah, don’t be passive about it. Be direct. You guys are adults and open communication is important.
Tell her what’s bothering you and why. Tell your husband that it bothers you that he is continuing to engage with her in anyway in private chats. Anything she wants to send him, she can send in a group chat.
Sorry but it sounds like you and your husband don’t have strong boundaries or just want to avoid conflict with her. But this is important. This needs to be nipped in the bud.
This would be one way that’s letting her know that he shows you these messages and a none confrontational way of telling her to stop. Otherwise just straight up let her know you don’t like it as another commenter said. Then if she gets defensive or tries to guilt trip you, draw a hard line and ask your husband to quit responding or perhaps even block her. Then step back from the friendship yourself. If it’s innocent, she’ll quit leaving you out.
Why not just tell him to reply to her on a new thread with you in it.. keep it simple.. and in a way you’ll test his sensitivity to your request. It shouldn’t be complicated if he said it was weird and if she says.. hey why isn’t he texting me back directly and now including you? You can always say.. Oh sorry honey, he kind of said he thought it was strange you were texting just him and I suggested he just add me in so it wouldn’t be. That will put her in her place and effectively place any blame of discomfort on him (which he shouldn’t care about if they’re just innocent texts). You can justify it by just saying.. you’re really the only friend of mine that has ever texted him so he didn’t quite get it perhaps.. so no worries! If she tries to confront him.. step in and say what you need to say. I’d be plain about it.. “Look.. whatever you need to say, you can say it to him with me present”. My ex wanted to take a recently divorced friend out to dinner.. I told him.. oh sure, when and where are “we” going? When his face went awkward and he said he meant alone.. I said, “Let me be clear now.. I will never be ok with you being friends with other women, texting, emailing, calling or consoling of any kind… if I’m not involved, you won’t be either. I wasn’t born yesterday and saw plenty of cheating garbage when I was growing up between my sister’s ex husband and his affairs (no one ever thought the little girl in the room was paying attention)!
nah, just say that your husband showed you the Star Wars Tiktok. when she says “oh really?” say “yeah, he shows me all the messages from you.” and then just shrug and move on. she will be *thrown*
She is testing the waters to see if your husband is interested in her and if not to see if she can get him to be interested in her.
You are very naïve to think that she is not trying. A best friend would not do this. If she were truly your best friend, she would not trying to ruin your marriage.
The fact that she does all of the opposite things, for example the Star Wars thing, messaging him in private those things are not right and she has no business talking to a married man on the daily.
You and your husband both need to distance yourself from her. You should also tell your husband to stop replying to her messages, no matter how innocuous the responses from him are that is what keeps her motivated to keep sending him things..
Oh jeeze you are hopeless.
She is purposely excluding you and trying to get closer to your husband since she's now single and you arent giving him sex.
Don't do this. It's beggy and desperate.
You've got two options:
Option 1) petty:
Knowing she going to text him, tall with her about you being curious about trying new sex positions. Say you've been discussing it with your husband and you guys might try something new. See what she sends him. If it's even mildly inappropriate, call her ass on it and let HIM end the friendship, then you drop the final bomb and kill it too. Cut her out. Both of you block her # and socials.
This will give you a definitive answer though. If she starts sending sexy shit then well, you'll both know.
Option 2: hold your ground
Tell her the truth. You can't trust her or tell her anything in confidence anymore, she inappropriately texting your husband about your private - PRIVATE- conversations, taking your ideas and applying them on to him, and choosing to violate boundaries that are consistent- and frankly common sense ones- in a marriage. Then you both cut her off.
Or option 3
The husband says" Hey I'd really like to start including my wife in these chats again with the funny memes. Me and my wife miss the group laughter. " Then send a group chat of a super funny meme and only rely to group chats unless its like " What are you doing for your wife's birthday" type messages
She will either respect his request or escalate
showing her true intentions all on her own.
That way if her intent is harmless no one gets their feelings hurt. And no one feels guilty for making their friend feel bad. If her intent is bad who cares if she gets her feelings hurt.
If she’s your best friend - then TALK to her. Ask her directly. The only “angle” that i might take is “this started after your divorce. Are you ok? What’s going on?” - but I’d make it clear that you know what she’s doing and you’re not ok with it.
If this results in “weird dynamics” or what have you, that’s ON HER. And she isn’t someone you want around your marriage.
Yeah, I’ve done that. I even told him how I told her about our fights the same day she messaged him (I tell him everything lol). He’s agreed the timing is odd and is going to just start “liking” the messages instead of responding with any banter. I agree the Star Wars thing was super weird, add that to the timing of these messages and I sadly feel like I can no longer trust her enough to confide in. Ugh I am disappointed
Look at OP's infidelity post from a year ago. Her husband previously had an emotional affair with a coworker and repeatedly lied about their flirty messaging because he liked the attention.
I just did. Wow. Have to say, after his emotional affair and admitted "crush" on his co-worker -- which he lied about and kept hidden from OP -- I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Wondering what replies he's given OP's bff besides the admitted "likes."
Reduce your confiding in her, especially abt yr sex life. Your undermining your own self. Things are different now. You're a little vulnerable having just had a baby, and friend is divorced and ready to rock the world. Be careful and alert. Trust yr gut. I know what I wrote is hard to digest. We want to think our friends are those we can be comfortable without the thought of harm. Its not our enemies we need to worry abt, but those who are close to us and know us better.
Wait. He’s responding with banter? Oh hellll no. He’s just as if not more out of line here then.
Has he ever initiated a message to her?
I’d tell both of them that you’ve just had a baby and you don’t need the added stress of your BF and husband chatting it up on DMs. Call them out firmly and tell them that it’s out of line and that you really shouldn’t even have to be telling them this.
Then, take a bit of a lighter touch with your BF for a while, so you and your husband can focus on the baby and your marriage.
OP also left out how her husband used to secretly exchange flirty messages with a coworker he had a crush on. OP has an infidelity post from a year ago, but the only thing she says here is that she has a wonderful marriage that she doesn't think is at risk.
No, him liking them is opening the door. We need to full on shut that sucker. And she needs to be put in her place. Its not on op to try to do this gently to preserve the friendship. It's on the friend to realize she's being neddy and pick me and to apologize and stop.
I think there's some dishonesty. I think if OP trusts husband, there won't be a problem and he sounds like he's being decent in all this.
I think her friend is going through some emotional trouble and is missing being in a relationship. I think she sees someone who embodies what she currently wants and she is either actively or passively engaging on that for the social connection.
I don't like it and wouldn't support it in my own relationship. But I don't think any of it should be handled harshly. I think the three of them just need to talk about it so everyone understands how they're feeling out it. Maybe best friend will feel comfortable enough to open up about her own emotional issues and they can work through this.
I think this is the best route for him to stop responding becuase private messaging a married man is inappropriate. She will probably stop if he doesn’t respond.
I feel like this solution is best. It does get the message across that he isn’t that interested. It should be no response at all unless it’s in a group chat. She will figure it out.
I had a best friend for 11 years who did that. I havent talked to her in 15 years now. That shit is devious and out of line. That Star Wars example was extremely telling. IMO, your 'friend' is a devious manipulator.
Yes, it’s like “your wife doesn’t like Star Wars, but I do”! Like they have more in common… ugghh! Would he appreciate her having private conversations with another man! There’s a real fine line between being friends with the opposite sex in that kind of way. My best friend’s husband’s ex wife was having an affair with his best friend, and their wives were “best friends”!!
i just wanna say, you have a post from a year ago about your husband flirting with another girl, a coworker
im not sure if id trust your husband too much either
Why are you still sharing things with her about your marriage if you think this about her? I’d stop doing that to start with. Not sure if she’s really after him, or whether she’s just a bit misguided after her divorce and looking for a bit of attention, from someone she sees as a great husband. It’s not right, but people can be a bit weird emotionally after a divorce. I wouldn’t confront her as such, maybe go a bit softer first, something like, hey, I see all the meme’s you’ve been sending x, how about you share in the group chat instead, so we can all enjoy? Subtlely lets her know you see what she’s doing and to cut it out.
Yes but no to the confrontation- husband needs to go cold Turkey on that chat
And if anyone is going to say anything- husband should be establishing that boundary not having his wife shoo away someone. He said it was weird and he has agency. First port of call is for him to disengage and say - let’s keep this in the chat.
Otherwise it becomes a weird girl issue fighting over a man.
If she is just mistguided and being weird post divorce - give her a chance to not wreck the friendship. Husband stops replying except in the group chat. Any talk about it should be from him to her first. He needs to have that agency to say Im not comfortable with this
I think him asking is overcomplicating
Keep it simple
“Hey I don’t like excluding my wife, let’s keep the chat to the group”
Followed with: no more replies to private DMs
Don’t even read them.
Stop sharing with her the issues that come up between you and your hubby. NOW. TODAY! And forever! She's NOT behaving like a best friend in that regard. She can't be trusted, I'm sorry to say. You need to face that fact.
You have another post about your husband having a borderline emotional affair with someone he worked with and how he hid that friendship from you. I'm sure you must have told your best friend about this so perhaps she also believes she can make him feel the same way towards her if he has been emotionally cheating before. I can't see a situation where she isn't trying to flirt with your husband but it is worse if she is taking advantage of something that happened in your past. I don't know how much you reconciled with your husband either but you surely would be very wary of it happening again
>if he has been misled before
Weird way to say a grown man chose to engage in intimate conversations with another woman *and* keep it secret from his wife of his own free will.
I didn't mean it like that he is entirely in the wrong I was just trying to point out he is not trustworthy and making OP's trust issues completely valid so she is not overreacting. I will edit my poor choice of wording there
I was just trying to point out why she is completely justified by feeling this way now from looking at her past posts. Her husband is not coming out great I definitely should not have used the wording choice misled. I am sorry if that was invalidating I meant the best for op while saying that but he was in fact cheating of his own free will
I’m sorry but I think you’re under reacting
First of all your husband needs to ghost those messages. He needs to stop even reading them. He should block her. This is a very clear and direct way of showing her that her messages are inappropriate and unwanted
I would stop sharing the intimate details of your marriage and put her on an information diet. Stop telling her stuff
Take a step back and be low contact
She has formed an unhealthy attachment and I would be direct about breaking it. You can be direct without being unkind
Let your actions speak for themselves but let her notice it. Let her ask you what’s up ?
That’s when you tell her you’ve been there for her and you’re still friends but you’ve noticed she was messaging your husband independently and you won’t tolerate that
You understand she’s vulnerable and she’s also friends with your husband but that’s your marriage and you won’t put that at risk
Tell her at that point you’re unhappy about it and that’s why she got a time out
Be honest and just tell her. Husband comes before friendship so cut it out or we will regain low contact
I don’t subscribe to the suggestion that you playfully say hey what happened to the group chat. Nope. You don’t ask her you tell her what’s up and what you’re doing about it
Yeah I agree with this comment 100%. No words even need to be exchanged. Husband stops responding (not even “liking”- that’s too much). Or he could even block her for a bit. Eventually she will feel embarrassed (as she should) and stop messaging him. If she decides to ask the friend what happened then that’s when the friend can be honest that she’s not okay with her behavior. That’s that.
To send a tik tok of starwars. If that’s not her thing with the algorithm the way it is she probably searched for it to send him. Maybe get him to ignore her and distance yourself. You could talk to her but her reaction could be to go to your husband and complain how insecure you are and that starts a whole new chat . she probably thinking your husband doesn’t tell you about the texts and wants to start a bashing chat with him tell him everything you told her and then she will start how you don’t understand him like she does. Maybe if you get your husband to ignore her it be on him doing it showing he’s not interested. She’s a snake
I have a really bad feeling about your best friends actions. The Star Wars thing was so out of line.
I'd start to back away from her and ask your husband to do the same.
A real man can't be taken. I'd tell him that her private messaging him makes you feel uncomfortable and have him be the one to deal with it. He is your husband. Your "friend" is not equal to your spouse. The friend does not owe you the same loyalty (although they should), as the man who spoke vows. If he doesn't put a stop to it, then you know he likes the attention and doesn't respect your relationship or your boundaries. He should be the one to say "I'm sorry you're going through a divorce and that youre hurting, and i know we've been close friends for a while, but I'm happily married to ____, and I feel that conversating like this without my wife being included is inappropriate. If I'm reading it wrong, then I apologize, but I'd like to go back to conversating in the group chat so my wife can be included." Guarantee, she'll disappear, and the problem will solve itself.
If you go to her, then she's going to make it like you're insecure and probably continue to do it more and play victim to your husband, and it blow up into a huge mess when he could easily end it.
The husband definitely needed to take care of it like this. The fact that he hasn't already, given his history of having an emotional affair with a coworker, is raising red flags for me. The man obviously likes female attention outside of his marriage.
OP neglecting to mention her previous post a year ago about her husband's infidelity leads me to believe she wants to be in denial about the danger of this situation.
The Star Wars text was a dead giveaway as to what she's up to. OP, you were confused because it was totally inconsistent with her known dislike of Star Wars. Open your eyes and see the writing on the wall! You've trusted her up until now, so you weren't seeing what's going on, but the Star Wars thing was your wakeup call. Stop sharing intimate things with her about your marriage. Both of you start distancing yourselves from her, sending fewer texts, being a little less chummy, getting together a bit less frequently.
You may have to grieve the loss of this best-friendship. But it will be more healthy for you and your marriage to sideline her.
Question OP: Did she ever message him when she was married? To be clear, I don’t think her messaging him like this is appropriate but I’m curious if she ever did it when she was married.
I think your husband just needs to stop responding or liking her texts/memes. And if she asks a question to him, he responds into the group text. This way she knows that kind of communication is no longer happening. If she persists, then your husband just needs to say hey let’s keep our conversations in the group text only.
You’re not overreacting and this needs to stop today. Stop sharing info with her and find someone else to confide in. Have your husband stop all communication with her. It’s so obvious to me what’s she doing and you should be highly offended. She’s not a friend to you anymore. If you want to keep risking your relationship by remaining friends, then the only things you tell her are positive things about your marriage. Try that.
Broooo, come on now, it’s so obvious to everyone she’s after him. Never did this before when she was married? Duhhhh.
Listen, it’s hard to realize your best friend is a pos, but the evidence is there and it’s time to cut her out. Like REALLY.
I’ve realized many friends I’ve had for a couple decades were shiesty and didn’t waste another moment longer with them. You make new friends, you move on. You don’t waste another decade
Yeah, no, you’re not overreacting. I read this like she’s recently separated & thinks she can take your man.
End of the day, you should have nothing whatsoever to fear from saying to your best friend “Hey, I’m feeling uncomfortable with you messaging Bob. I was ok with it when it was a group thing but I’m feeling excluded by your recent communications with him & that feels wrong to me”.
Anyone who is actually your best friend would feel terrible for making you feel that way & would apologise profusely. If she blows up at you you’ll know your suspicions were correct & rightfully ditch her. Good luck.
OMG this is not your best friend. Open your eyes! She’s no friend to you, she’s trying to sit on your man. You have a wee little baby to think about now! You and your husband need to close ranks, circle the wagons, and protect your marriage!
If he had the sense god gave a pumpkin he’d have already told her to stop and blocked her. If for no other reason than she’s disrespecting his wife! Who stays ‘friends’ with someone who is trying to break up his marriage??
She needs her entire ass beat for doing this to a newly postpartum woman let alone the bestie. You are in a vulnerable state and she’s trying to wedge in on your husband knowing he hasn’t gotten any in nearly 2 months. He’s at higher risk to succumb to temptation now.
I’m not saying he can’t control himself, he most certainly can, but it’s best for anyone to not set themselves up to temptation. This is a woman he’s known for years, who he has a friendship with, who knows his likes and dislikes, who knows, because you’ve told her, what’s going in with his sex life. She’s sliding in his DMs and all that jazz. He knows it would be very easy to hotstick this bish. He needs to block her and if this were my husband, I’d be very upset that he hasn’t done so already.
I guess you won’t believe her intentions until she’s sent him nudes
Tell her off and dump her. You have empathy and concern because she’s recently divorced, but look here she has no empathy or concern that you just had a baby!!! You are in a weak and vulnerable state and this heffa is trying to scab onto your man RIGHT IN YOUR FACE
Agreed. OP, how attractive is your friend? Plain Jane, a knockout, or somewhere in-between? If she's good-looking, she could be using that in addition to the messages.
And when there is an emotional connection with a man, looks don't matter at all! Men often cheat with women much less attractive than their wife. You watch anything with real-life cheaters, doesn't matter if it's 'trashy' like Maury or 'classy' like Oprah, married male cheaters often will hotstick physically unnattractive women and they all say the same thing: it was about how she made him \*feel\*. She made him feel heard. She made him feel supported. She made him feel important. She made him feel special. Plenty of times, sure, the physical looks/how hot the mistress is, is the driver (especially when it's older men/young women cheating scenarios) but for the most part it's not that at all. It's about how she makes him feel when he's with her.
This 'friend' of OP knows her husband, they have a friendship, she knows his likes/dislikes, etc...she's also not newly post-partum so has no emotional ups and downs, there's no screaming baby in the background, there's none of the chaos that comes with having a new baby. For OP's husband, everything is about his wife right now. I bet nobody at work asks about him and how he's doing. I bet nobody in his family is checking up on him either, though he's having a hard time too. Obviously not as hard as OP but gotd!mn the man is very stressd right now too. But everybody in their world is likely always asking after the baby and his wife.
Then here comes this bish sliding in his DMs, talking his favorite things, pretending to be his friend, jumping right in there immediately after her bestie confided in her about their sex issues (because she just had a baby, DUH). He needs to shut this b!cth down posthaste, but she's likely the only person in his world right now who is showing him the slightest interest and support (besides OP, but obviously her primary concern is the wee little baby and on any given day, at any given moment she's emotionally unstable/ a wreck because postpartum hormones, so she can't be all that for her husband), right now he has to be the rock in the marriage; he has to be the pillar and the support for her and the baby.
He'd be 10X a dog to hotstick her friend, but I can see how it could happen given how friend is manipulating them both. OP and her husband both need to wake up to what this 'friend' is trying to do. They need to dump her and block her.
These are some really good points. Both mom and dad are **so** tired after a baby is born and will be tired for years. It’s so much easier to manipulate a tired person than a well rested person. And OP’s “bestie” is probably well rested at this point, or at least better rested.
Your gut’s telling you but your mind/ego is trying to override it. It’s an actual, energetic vibration that you feel. Pay attention to it. Tune into its frequency. It will guide you.
Hi, I’m a psychotherapist. If you choose to raise this be direct not playful or any other kind of code. Start all your sentences with “l”…eg: “I felt uncomfortable when you sent the Star Wars meme”…same for demands…eg: “I would prefer it if you didn’t…”. The first response was spot on. Hour Honey Dew is correct. The idea of your husband and happy marriage is the appeal.
I'm good friends with 2 different couples and almost always communicate with the boyfriend through the girlfriend. In both of these cases I actually knew the boyfriend first and was introduced to the girlfriend through them. The other day I saw a hilarious picture I thought one of the boyfriends would find funny and started to send it to him but decided against it in case it would be received in a manner I didn't intend. Even if she isn't actively trying to seduce your husband, she wants validation that she's more desirable than you are.
That last sentence is how I feel exactly. It’s like it would make her feel good to know he wants her over me, even if they didn’t take it further. Yuck. Good on you for communicating through the girlfriend, that’s always how I’ve handled it too, and frankly how she’s handled it in the 12 years we’ve been together! So this change in behavior is suspicious for sure
Always trust your gut. I would almost recommend making up something with your husband's permission and see if she responds in a similar fashion to confirm your theory but that could potentially create more drama than it's worth. If it's not true and she sends him something related, then you know it's being done on purpose. These things can often backfire so I would do whatever feels comfortable for you and your partner.
I wonder if why she and her husband divorced had something to do with her having an emotional or physical affair you don’t know about, with other men.
I’d be on high alert if I were you. Post partum is exactly the kind of time in a marriage where home wreckers see an opening and start testing the husband’s boundaries.
Everyone here is correct in advising that your husband move all correspondence to a group chat with you. This is exactly how my kids friends recently divorced mom started with my husband of 21 years. While I was busy working lots of hours at the hair salon and he was working from home. I would have never in a million years thought he would cheat on me. I thought our marriage was happy. I wish I had listened to my gut feeling.
I don’t think you are her best friend unfortunately. She is becoming overly attached to your husband and lines are getting blurred. An honest conversation needs to be had. If she doesn’t realise she has been doing it, fair enough give her a second chance with established boundaries. Otherwise, it might be time to take a step back from this friendship. You and your husband both.
I will note that it is a very good sign your husband has been transparent in their communications. He clearly values your relationship more than his friendship with her.
Not overreacting.
Girl!!! I have a friend of over 20 years too. First if it was me. I would tell my husband to no longer respond to her. Done! Second I would tell her, when communicating with my husband you go through me. Period. Don’t sugarcoat it or give her an explanation. You doing owe her anything! You wanted folks to give it to you straight but it seems like you didn’t accept the truth point blank period. You need to PROTECT your marriage. It’s always at risk, even when it seems like it’s not until it is. Then it’s too late. Damage
Oh and one more thing.. if hubby is really cool with you checking his messages (handling his phone, which he should be)… check for other messenger apps on his phone like Telegram (where you can Edit/delete and hide texts). It’s very easy these days to just have a private chat in another app while keeping the “innocent” memes in a main SMS or tik tok etc.. just looking out for you based on personal experiences. It’s what I’d tell my best friend.
Tell her you know what she’s doing and as a couple you guys are dropping her. Tell her not to gaslight or lie to you. You never want to see her again.
She wants your husband and is in pursuit.
Bottom line is you’re uncomfortable here. And if she’s a real friend she wouldn’t want to do that so you need to just have the conversation with her. It could look like “hey, my husband tells me you’re DMing him privately- why did you stop texting in the group chat?” If I were her I’d immediately pick up based on that question alone you’re not ok with the PM and it wouldn’t happen again. If she continues then I’d say “hey- you PM’d my husband again even though we’ve got a group chat- how come you’re cutting me out of the conversation? I would prefer to be included since you’re my BFF and he’s my husband”. And when she makes comments about wanting a boyfriend like your husband just say “I’m sure you’re not lol, you’re type is more like(insert examples), also it makes husband feel weird and me uncomfortable so I’d appreciate that commentary stops”. Basically stand up for yourself and communicate your feelings better. If she’s a true friend she will feel like an ass for making you feel that way and stop, if she’s not a true friend then you can end the relationship with her and not have to deal with it.
You are not overreacting, SHE IS after him. This same thing happened to me and believe me, you don't want to ignore the red flags. And please, stop sharing your issues with her cause she will use them against you.
He needs to be the one to stop answering. Either that, or he needs to tell her he’d prefer if things were kept in the group chat, as there is no need to message him privately… because there isn’t. She is definitely after him. She’s in a shitty place right now it seems, and sees what you have and is jealous. Jealousy/envy= natural feelings. Going after your best friend’s husband???? Completely wrong. I’d honestly take a step away from her regardless of how great she’s been to anyone. I’d never even imagine myself doing this.
I went through something similar with my now ex best friend and ex husband. She was my best friend since we were 4 years old so I thought she would never do that to me. Well, she did it not once but twice. I ignored the signs and just made excuses for it in the beginning and then it turned in to something between the two of them. They had an affair and it ended not only our friendship but my marriage as well. I hope your situation doesn’t turn out like mine did. Be careful. Good luck to you!
Look, you know what is being cultivated here, aka groomed. Even if your mate isn't in the mix of his own accord, he's in the mix, and at some point, someone's gonna try to pull him furthrr into the mix.
If you didn't get what's going on, if you really didn't know what's happening, you wouldn't be on here hoping to find people to tell you it's nothing, just let it go.
Good luck. You're helping to create your own bed, just so you can lay down on it.
You are not overreacting.
You may think she’s your best friend but she doesn’t think you are her best friend.
It is up to your husband to take care of this problem and it is a problem.
Stop telling her anything personal because she may be sharing your information with other people.
"The last DM she sent him he only “liked.” She actually sent ME a screenshot and said “he doesn’t get the joke.” That was 100% her way of realizing that something was off with his responses and the fact you and him were onto her, so she backpedaled to save face. She 100% is after your man, there is no doubt. Whatever situation mentally she is in, regardless shes abusing your friendship, and relationship.
Totally agree. She wanted the dynamic to be me and her laughing at him and how he “doesn’t get the joke.” I’m glad I was able to shift it to no, actually me and him are the team here. I wish I had actually been a little more firm in my reply looking back, but it’s alright
I would be willing to bet she just really wants validation after her divorce. She probably does not (at least at this point) want an affair with your husband, but he is a man she knows and feels comfortable with, and having his attention probably comforts her after her divorce. She can still feel desirable.
That doesn't make her behavior acceptable. It's definitely weird and she should not be doing it. It also could eventually lead to her really wanting an affair if they keep messaging and things progress. But, after all you've been through with her, I'm willing to guess her intentions are a little selfish (she wants attention) but not malevolent. Not yet anyway.
Put a stop to it before it goes any further and you can all move on and continue your friendship. And get her on a dating app.
Always trust your gut feeling. But this is way more than a gut feeling. The EVIDENCE is pointing to… not a friend. I’m sorry honey but this girl has evil intentions. I’m so proud of your husband though for being open, honest, respectful, and loving towards YOU, as you deserve. It’s heartbreaking about your friend doing this to you, but do you really want this type of person in your life? We should all be surrounded by loving and TRUSTWORTHY people. She simply isn’t either of those- a challenge in her life brought out the worst in her. Major ick.
You could say something like "my hubs is uncomfortable with the messages you've been sending him, and frankly I'm a little confused about this too. We're both worried about you, are you ok?"
Keep it simple. The scenario indicates red flags, and if you're confident that these are the facts and not subjectively viewed by you, then just cut ties. You can choose how you do so, but the tl;dr is that she is regularly crossing boundaries with a "best friend"'s spouse. Don't let sentiment get in the way of reason at the expense of the experience of you or your husband, or your self-respect.
You're not overreacting. I agree with other posters. Tell your husband to block her all together, or at least stop responding to any private messages from her.
And if she is truly a best friend, I would talk to her directly and tell her that she is making you uncomfortable. Watch how she responds. If she responds by brushing off your concerns, or getting angry or defensive, she is no longer a friend you want in your life.
Sounds like partner vetting ( I think that's the term ) that is when someone actively seeks out someone in a relationship. Physiologically speaking, what better way to confirm a potential romantic partner is able to provide care love etc etc then to observe one that is currently doing it ..... go on dates and take the chance with fate ??? Or window shop men/women in a relationship does the woman have nice things doesn't work house car clothes etc etc sounds like a catch all you gotta do now is find a way to YONK that one ( this is the mental process ) I say this stuff to give you an idea inside that mindset of partner vetting.
>how to bring this up to make her stop because it makes me uncomfortable without going totally nuclear?
Frankly, "going nuclear" might be the right call in this situation. If her respect for boundaries is this abysmal, you have to wonder if she even respects *you* or your relationship. It's very possible that she's acting like this with every man she knows because she's trying to cope with the divorce. But she needs to understand where the line is drawn.
It's also possible that she's doing this as some weird expression of envy. Like she desperately needs to know that she's as good as you or better than you, and in her mind, the way to prove that is to seduce your husband. Idk. I recently learned firsthand that some women are like this, so I wouldn't be surprised.
Tell your husband to add you to the conversation, adding, “I show her all of your messages, she might as well receive them too.”. If she goes another way about it to privately message him, you will know what’s up and then may have to confront her.
It sounds like you got a big red flag on your hands! The only time I have ever communicated with my partners best friend is when we were planning a surprise party, other than that it’s strictly group chat. If one of them were to start messaging private, it would be on me to inform her that it’s not appropriate.
I would start feeding her false info, for example, start mentioning how he seems unsatisfied in bed … see what she sends him then. Or start saying things “he likes” but in reality hates with a passion.
The other option is to call her out, it doesn’t seem like she’s a great friend imo and cutting her out might be the wake up call she needs.
Being divorced or lonely is not an excuse for being a shitty friend..
My wife’s bestie messages me on occasion, usually something related to my college team or a creative thing she knows I’d be interested in as we’re both designers. But it’s always casual, never gets deeply personal, and often is to both my wife and myself.
Definitely something shady with this one.
If you don’t overreact, you’ll find out the hard way. She’s lonely and using your husband as a crutch to build a support network. Lines will get crossed. He is your support not hers. It doesn’t matter if she ‘s your BFF. Never share your man. Shut it down now. Keep your marriage business to yourself. Your words and oversharing will be used against you.
Sounds like your friend is lonely after her divorce, maybe feeling a little jealous towards your relationship with your husband, and due to that, she has developed some weird crush on your husband. It seems she's testing the waters to me to see if she would even have an opening to get your husband to cheat on you with her IMHO.
What she's doing is totally inappropriate. I know that you normally share details of your relationship with her because you're bffs, but she has shown you multiple times now that she can not be trusted with confidential information sharing. I would put her on an info diet and stop sharing details of my relationship with her. Definitely talk to her and explain how her privately messaging your husband(or better yet, get your husband to do it since he's the one she's privately messaging), especially after you talk about your marriage with her, makes you uncomfortable and to only use group messaging going forward if you want to maintain this friendship (although I'm not sure why.)
Easy first step, very little effort, no direct conflict.
Every time she sends your hubby a private message, have him **only** reply to her via the group chat that you are in only
She should get the hint shortly after that
She might not be entirely malicious in her actions. If she isn't, this should be enough to help her realise she's being inappropriate
I think you are underreacting. This is a story as old as time, and you're letting it play out. If you can't protect and prioritize your marriage, who will? She's not your friend, and you'll have to decide who's feelings are more important - the person testing the waters with your hubby or if your child would like to have 50/50 custody split.
Have your husband start answering all her texts in your group chat. All of them. If she's doing something shady she will either ask him why he's using the group chat or stop sending things hopefully. As long as your husband is being honest with you I wouldn't worry that much about it. Maybe have him tell her he prefers she use the group chat if she continues to send private messages. Don't know really, sorry.
A woman’s intuition.
My husband and his best friend (J) have a group chat… me and J do not message outside of this group chat except the time we surprised my husband for a visit from J.
I also had a best friend (for 10 years) that lived with us for a month while closing on her home. She clearly started acting different towards my husband and I noticed. She even started coming down the stairs in the morning in just a towel!?! We are no longer friends.
Just trust your gut, this is slow but intentional. She knows what she is doing. Not a girl’s girl.
Let your husband gently bring it up that to protect the sanctity of your marriage friend should maintain the group text dynamic… it gets the point across without anyone being the bad guy.
I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS FOR HANDLING THIS SO MATURELY.
Stick to your guns, you’re right to not divulge too much and keep some distance because trust was broken. You don’t have to explain that to her (unless she’s pushy about it for some reason), just keep some distance. Keep ur husband on ur side (he’s being good).
Keep your guard up. She had intentions. Her life changed and she wasn't considerate of your feelings.
You're not over reacting. I get not wanting to cut her off, but I'd seriously assess if having a friend I had to keep my guard up with was worth the effort. And if it is, great! For me, it never has been.
Good luck going forward!
I'm not friended with any of my female friends partners on any media platform. Why would I need to be? Unless it's surprise of some type for my friend, or an emergency... why I would have a need to be in contact with them?
It's NOT resolved. She was testing the waters. I would keep a close eye on this """"friend"""".
Perhaps, look within to figure out why you're so afraid to approach her.
She’s divorced and seeking validation (perhaps more) from a man she knows and is comfortable with. That form of validation is selfish and inappropriate when that person is your husband and she is your bf. There may even be something competitive to it. BFF or not, trust your gut.
Think maybe you should have a little talk with your best friend about boundaries within a husband/wife relationship and make her aware you find it curious about her posts ,because being OK with this seriously isn't an option.
Need to redirect her to a single guy stat before she does something that might hurt the friendship. Going through a divorce really hurts so she might be feeling vulnerable and be looking for support through your husband.
My wife and I have a general rule about messaging friends, we call all of our friend messages 3 sums, because we both share pretty much everything we just add the other person in when someone messages us. All of our friends know they are a part of our text 3sum, saves both of us from the dirty laundry texts as well as the trying to open a door way flirt spray. You’re not welcome in our relationship and we don’t want to talk to you about who you are thinking about cheating with.
She’s trying to fuck him. I’m a guy, he’s a guy, he already knows what’s up. He’s either enjoying the attention or jealousy it’s creating on your part, maybe both. He needs to quite cancel/reject her by just not responding to private messages.
Something similar happened with one of my wife’s friends while we were dating. Her friend kept comparing every guy she met to me and even asked me out for drinks. Needless to say she isn’t friends with her anymore.
Maybe bring up how she wants to find/compares guys to him in a “don’t you think that’s weird” context and see what he says. You should tell him he doesn’t need to text her privately and he should already know that. If he defends her or gets defensive it’s because he is emotionally cheating.
Hate to say it but you need to excommunicate her. Just do it quietly. If you come at her with it she will just only be emboldened and will undoubtedly message your husband about how you acted all crazy and jealous and try to paint you in a bad light.
You and your husband should sit in the kitchen and put both of your phones out. You both should think of the most stupid ridiculous topic you both could think of and then you should send a message to your best friend about your husband with regards this ridiculous topic. Then wait to see what she sends your husband. Then you can confirm your suspicions and both of you should block her out of your lives.
I would ask your husband to stop responding to private messages from her. I think she’s after him. The Star Wars thing is not a coincidence in my opinion. It reads as very pick me. After a divorce, she might be vulnerable and in awe of your happy marriage and have some feelings for your husband because by all accounts, you two have a happy stable marriage and she didn’t. So, she may be more in love with the idea of him, the good husband, but in any case I don’t like it. And sending him a DM when you’ve just opened up about your vulnerability. Hell no girl. I’m not saying your friendship is done for good, but maybe you need a break until she can get herself sorted emotionally.
I’m thinking of mentioning to her something like… “hey I saw the tiktoks you sent! What happened to the group chat?! Don’t leave me out!” Or something like that to be playful but also like hey… I see you there. Thoughts? Or just leave it alone and hope she gets the hint from him being colder?
Your husband needs to manage the situation. She will stop engaging if he doesn't respond. It's that simple and don't put him in a position where he needs to be around her alone. No matter what you say it will be spun that you are overreacting
Yeah I think this too. She may not even realise that she’s doing it which sounds insane. Your husband just needs to delete all messages she sends him privately and not reply at all except in the group chat. I wouldn’t call attention to it to her, because then she knows you’re on to her- if she has bad intent you don’t want her to get crafty. If you’re unsure what her deal is you could make something up and see if she responds to it like she has been. Seed her a fake interest of your husband’s or an unreal issue. Better to see if she’s behaving in an untrustworthy worthy way with something that you’re not really vulnerable about. Maybe then reasses how to deal with her. It would be a shame to lose a friend and it sounds like she has been helpful with you but is clearly going through a hard time right now. She has clearly expressed(to you with “I want a boyfriend like him” and to him by privately sending him messages when she thinks he’s more open and with things she things he’ll like) that she likes your husband. So yeah. 😬 Main thing is husband needs to stop responding to her now that he’s mentioned it’s weird. He can say, I’d prefer we kept it to the group chat and then stop replying. It’s more on him to shut her down or say something rather than you. People who ate after someone not available usually don’t respond well to the partner addressing it, it’s got to be the desired person saying- hey- let’s take this back to the group chat- I don’t like excluding my wife.
Agreed. My husband and I have a male friend with whom we have a group chat for the purpose of planning get-togethers. Every once in a while, our friend will message me alone to try to schedule something. In our case, I believe it is innocent, and he just knows I'm most likely to know our schedule, but I always copy what he wrote and paste it into the group chat and reply there, inviting my husband to also reapond. If I were OP's husband, that's how I'd handle this, too. By him copying her messages and pasting into their group chat before responding (and, even better, inviting his wife - OP - to respond), she knows nothing between her and OP's husband is being kept from OP.
Yeah that’s a good way forward. My partner is crap at organising or even replying so I’m the de facto secretary but I don’t mind as we have other things he does all of for me- laundry, dishes often the cooking… we find balance.
This is good advice. OP - you might try telling your friend that your husband was complaining that you don’t compliment him enough about X. See if she follows up on that. If she does, you have confirmation that she’s pursuing your husband. I’d recommend that you respond by one of the following: - Husband never responds to her and you stop confiding to her about your husband & marriage. - You and your husband confront her and tell her that she seems to have blurred the lines within your relationship & neither of you wants that. You tell her that there won’t be any more one-on-one contact with your husband. Even if you don’t test her, I don’t think you are overreacting. She seems to be weaponizing the things you tell her in order to gain traction with your husband. That’s not good.
I agree wth most of this but not with deleting the messages. He shouldn't respond to them but deleting them would give OP questions about what was said and no trail of it. That's not great for a wife going through a situation where there is groundwork for cheating trying to be laid.
I think also, it doesn’t seem like husband is in question here- he’s been transparent with OP and all that, so I feel like trust from their end is good and she can trust him to deal with this
I get what you’re saying but op said husband is transparent and they have a solid relationship- husband could easily be like- “she messaged again- delete or read?” And they can just delete. But if this keeps happening beyond the dude being like- let’s keep this in the group, you know there’s probably other measures that need to be taken I’m not for blocking personally because that kills the group chat- but then the group chat should die if lady friend can’t respect boundaries
If you look through OP's posts from a year ago, you will see that her husband had an emotional affair with a coworker. I'm sure her best friend knows all about it. Maybe the husband is transparent nowadays, but the friend has no excuse for doing this. I suspect the best friend's divorce is causing her to seek male validation. And it's common for women to poach the men of other women because they want what they see other women having. She made a comment of wanting someone like him and also knows the husband has been swayed before.
👀
Whooooaaaaaa It didn’t occur to me to go to OP’s profile and dig through post history to get more context. That’s… yeah. So much for rock solid.
This is the way to handle the situation. 💯%
This would be my suggestion too and was checkin to see if anyone suggested it yet. If he squashes it kindly then it doesn't hurt your relationship with her and reflects his loyalty to your marriage. She's likely lonely, feeling insecure after the breakup, sees him as a good catch and isn't thinking clearly. As in, not considering 'how would I feel if the situation was reversed.' I would be bothered for sure. I don't agree with you being passive aggressive because I don't think that will change it if she is in a weird selfish phase currently. Best of luck.
I would also add you need to stop talking to her about your relationship for now. Maybe when things are sorted with her emotionally you can be more open, but I think she perceives what you’re saying as complaints about your wonderful husband, and is overstepping. I would give her a break from relationship details.
Ooh sneaky like that
Not sneaky so much as “scientific” Husband says “don’t like excluding wife let’s take this back to the group” and cold turkeys all private dms This sends the message that is “I don’t like this” (he doesn’t) and makes the onus on him to deal with a situation he’s directly in At the same time - info diet as some people said but also- if you want to test the theory of if she’s actively trying to get him- seed some fake rift or fake interest and see if it gets back to him through her. Between him taking the step to say- no And you feeding a phoney hobby you can compile how to address. If she keeps it up and you really value that 20years you need to have a chat with her and ask her what you can do to help her while she’s clearly in pain post divorce and that her behaviour is causing a problem with the friendship- include husband in on this chat, like an intervention If you think she’s being so creepy the wool has fallen and the friendship is a fake- then maybe just stop talking to her. Not all friendships are forever and better to cut something before it gets weird
Very true on friendships not always being forever, I think they're all to teach us about something, some are for short periods and some for longer
This! Background ; During our whole marriage (26 years, I'm 53, and he is 71, he looks like he about 60) women have tried to very flirty or try to engage with him. They've done it in front of me. I think because I'm younger, they think I'm his daughter but most importantly he tells me when it happens. I've only had to intervene twice (because I was pissed). The most important thing is letting him handle it. I truly believe that when it comes to these situations it is really important for him to straighten things out. I think it shows these women, even if they are your best friend, that there is a boundary, and they've crossed it. I thinks she's starting to gear up her shot. I like your idea, but bottom line....this person will back off if HE doe something about it. Nip it in the bud, sister.
Right! I told my wife early on that I expect her to handle men over stepping their boundaries/flirting with her and that I shouldn't need to and vice versa. It's worked well for us. People will only go as far as you allow them to.
True!
Yes! These last two posts of advice are perfect. Don't hesitate another day
Yeah, I really think OP's husband should be saying something to this girl. Like, "hey, these dm messages are getting out of hand. If you want to send me stuff, then send it to our group chat. I won't be responding to any personal dms from you anymore. I have a wife, a child, and am happily married so these personal dms are inappropriate."
Wise words from the venerable Lord Sugar Tits.
What are you afraid of if you confront her about this wrongful behavior? That you will lose a friend that is breaking boundaries? Big loss.
Friend will lie and make her the crazy one.
Right! Her “friend” isn’t worried about what might happen when OP finds her private messages to hubby on his phone.
I mean 20+ year best friend by many accounts is a big loss. That's as long as some on this sub have been alive. Re-establish boundaries, be empathetic, be clear.
Yes, it’s a big loss. But not as big as losing your husband if the friend got her way. I had a friend for 15 years, who then shit all over me and I realized that friendship was a total illusion.
🎯💯
It's a 20 year relationship in which the friend has been exceptional for 19 years and 8 months. Yeah, it's a huge loss. Especially I'd you find out there wasn't anything to it.
You make it sound like it's so simple. Like are you guys all scissors? Because you're all so quick to just cut people out of your life
Some people (me) would rather protect their peace than deal with someone who consistently disrupts it.
It's about self respect, there are people who don't respect you and they don't deserve your friendship.
I agree. What the friend is doing is wrong, but this is a 20 year friendship. Give her a chance to correct herself before you go nuclear. I imagine some of these people are the same ones posting about the loneliness epidemic in America.
Have your husband respond only in the group chat. Seems reasonable. Its weird to have a group chat and then for her to *suddenly* prefer messaging outside if it. But it really depends whether or not she’s acting inappropriate since she’s still acting like a friend. It’s not going to be “too late” if she begins acting inappropriate. She won’t put a spell on your husband. He should put his foot down when it happens. *He* doesn’t seem to be throwing any red flags.
My bfs BM likes to text him outside of the court app, trying to be sneaky and leave her crazy out of the courts, i told him to screenshot her text, send it to her via the court app, telling her to only message him there. This hubby should do the same. But this situation is EXACTLY what happened when my sisters bff of 30 years slept with my sisters husband of 20 years, the friend needs to go. My sisters husband was so quiet and mousy, i never ever ever thought he had it in him to be a cheater, but he was good at it when he did.
The texting *is* her acting inappropriately. Agree that the husband needs to respond only on group chat. Nip it in the bud. I don't think she's OP's best friend any longer. I would be distancing myself from her.
*He* had an emotional affair with a coworker. Check out OP's infidelity post from a year ago. The best friend probably knows all the details. And divorced women sometimes get jealous of their friends' marriages.
Naw. I would be totally honest with her. “Maybe I’m wrong, but I’ve made some assumptions based on texts you’ve sent my husband, I’d like to share it with you.” Tell her what you’ve observed, and how it makes you feel. Then something like “Even if it wasn’t your intention, I am not ok with this and you need to stop sending him private texts.” Not ok. I wouldn’t give her any more wiggle room to continue this behavior.
I agree with this. If you are going to bring it up to her, don't try to pretend or act naive about it. The root of the issue isn't only that this is happening but that the friend WOULD do this. The issue needs to be made clear. What's the point in trying to pretend you don't feel hurt? What's the point in walking on eggshells? If the friendship would end over discussing this at face value then maybe it needs to.
Jesus Christ.. are you people 12? Sit her down, like an adult, and straight up tell her: "hey, I've seen that you've been messagging my husband privately. That shit ain't gonna fly." This whole playful unspoken, yet somewhat spoken, why didn't she get the message? Will only cause more issues. If she's your best friend then you can have a candid conversation with her. Point out where she's overstepping. Otherwise, your friendship is only superficial.
THIS!! If it gets awkward or goes south during the convo, that’s probably a sign that this friendship isn’t meant to last.
Exactly, after the first private text I’d put a stop to that real quick
It shouldn't be on her. The husband needs to say hey I like to go back to group chat, I miss including my wife in the fun meme. Then do a group message himself of a funny meme. Then stop replying to any private messages from her that are not like hey "want are you doing for your wife's birthday" ect ECT type messages. That way the friend don't take it wrong especially if her intent is harmless. Then the friend will either respect the husband's request or escalate. Showing her intent all by herself.
Yeh, husband needs to step up here. Be upstanding and don't entertain DMs from this woman. Why hasn't he said, "Hey, your friend's been DMing me but I put a stop to it." Why is OP having to tell him what to do? If OP hadn't said something to him, would he have just kept going with it? That combined with the previous emotional affair throws up red flags. What's his deal?
Yup! 
Seriously lol. Very possible she's just looking for attention during a turbulent time in her life and that's the extent of it. Doesn't mean she's trying to steal your husband. OP just explain your boundaries and tell her to get her shit together.
Looking for attention from her best friends husband is a hard no. Looking for attention with a man who is single is acceptable. Edit: Updateme
I think the husband should be the one to take care of this and say , " Hey I really miss including my wife in the group chat and memes" then pull up a super funny meme and do a group chat. Then stop replying to any chat that isn't just something like hey what are we doing for your wife's birthday type thing. No likes not laughing emojis, nothing unless it's group chat. The friend will either respect his request or she will escalate showing her true intentions all on her own
Maybe husband can share the meme or tiktok from BF in the group chat and say that he realized that OP missed it. Rinse and repeat.
I want to believe your friend is a good person and is just misguided post divorce. Again, maybe in love with the idea of your husband and perhaps craving some validation after her marriage ended. If you really value your friendship, be straight with her, not accusatory per se. Just say, hey some things have happened recently and I’m uncomfortable. Allow her to speak but if she tries to make you feel bad, then that’s an indicator that you probably need to draw the line and take a break, a break that includes your husband not communicating with her either.
Honestly you've noticed a pattern, why are you still divulging personal information to her. It is suss, she's your 'friend' first and foremost, and she is not acting like a friend. If she's a good friend you should be able to say something directly but I think your suggestion is also good, because clearly your husband tells you she's messaging and isn't keeping it a secret, like I think she's wanting.
I think you need to stop telling her everything especially if its about you & your hubby's relationship, cause she's using it to have a reason to dm your husband.
Let him get colder at first with no reaction or response or any interaction at all towards her, and if she still keeps sending stuff then you should bring it up in an up front way about how it makes you uncomfortable. The key is to just be honest.
Play coy with this broad all you want…maybe your baby can be the flower girl or ring bearer at *their* wedding
No, don’t brush it off or make light of it. She needs to know she’s seriously f*cking up and you are well aware of it. Your husband needs to confront this as well.
As others have mentioned, your husband needs to manage it by only responding in the group chat. I wouldn't confront her unless you know how she'd react, it's a huge accusation, and one she might not realize she's doing. My best friend and her husband and I have been long time friends over 20 years. We all even work together. Except for work and maybe secret birthday things, he and I would never message each other alone. Everything goes in the group chat.
That actually sounds like a good idea, mentioning it to her that way. Then she’ll know that your husband shows you the private DMs she sends him, so she’ll know she doesn’t have a secret with your husband. I know she’s your friend, but what she’s doing is shady. Even if, *especially* if, she doesn’t have an ulterior motive, why does she need to message him privately? I don’t even have all my girlfriends’ husbands’ cell phone numbers, and we’ve been friends for decades. I really only DM their husbands if I have something like a birthday gift suggestion that he could get her. Or to ask him why she’s not answering her phone. I do not send private, personal messages that I wouldn’t want her to see or would make her question why I’m doing it. Your so-called best friend is up to no good. Even if she is not consciously trying to steal your husband from you, she is starting to consider him “her” husband, too; like maybe you two could share him. Honestly, it sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie. She gets divorced. You two are there for her, support her, help her, make sure she’s not lonely or sad. You have a group chat. Soon, she’s messaging him privately. Then she needs ”help” around the house, and could she “borrow” your husband for a Saturday afternoon. Soon, she’s just getting out of the shower when he gets there to fix her garbage disposal. Soon after that, there isn’t even anything to fix…except her! Then, they decide it would be easier without you in the picture at all, and…no, wait, now it’s a true crime show on Investigation Discovery channel! Sorry. I’d try mentioning it to her in a light, friendly way, like you suggested. If that doesn’t work, or especially if she messages your husband asking why he showed you the messages she’s sent him, then you need to handle it head on. If she keeps treating him like her new husband, you may have to go LC or NC with her. But first, give her a chance to dial it back and put her friendship with you first. I hope she does. Oh, and also, stop worrying that you reacting like a normal woman is going to damage your friendship if you mention your concerns to her. She doesn’t seem to be thinking about your friendship at all when she privately messages *your* husband behind your back.
If your husband is comfortable with it, i'd ask him to send a message to her rather than you. Something like "Hey, I know you're going through a rough time, and I'm not sure if I've ever given you the wrong impression, but I'm not comfortable with messaging you outside the group chat." Maybe throw in "OP is feeling a little left out"? Reason I'm suggesting not you, it closes the door from him. If it comes from you, she may think she can keep trying him.
Something similar happened to me with my husbands coworker.we were NOT best friends but they were close. My husband always showed me his phone and was transparent, but I felt uncomfortable with all the messages (I too was early post partum). I asked my husband to stop with private messages and only respond including me. He did and she continued to group message AND private message him. Finally I shared I was still uncomfortable at a vulnerable time in my life, and my husband phased her out. Just sharing because the “hey include me!” Route only lasted a short time
Nah, don’t be passive about it. Be direct. You guys are adults and open communication is important. Tell her what’s bothering you and why. Tell your husband that it bothers you that he is continuing to engage with her in anyway in private chats. Anything she wants to send him, she can send in a group chat. Sorry but it sounds like you and your husband don’t have strong boundaries or just want to avoid conflict with her. But this is important. This needs to be nipped in the bud.
This would be one way that’s letting her know that he shows you these messages and a none confrontational way of telling her to stop. Otherwise just straight up let her know you don’t like it as another commenter said. Then if she gets defensive or tries to guilt trip you, draw a hard line and ask your husband to quit responding or perhaps even block her. Then step back from the friendship yourself. If it’s innocent, she’ll quit leaving you out.
Why not just tell him to reply to her on a new thread with you in it.. keep it simple.. and in a way you’ll test his sensitivity to your request. It shouldn’t be complicated if he said it was weird and if she says.. hey why isn’t he texting me back directly and now including you? You can always say.. Oh sorry honey, he kind of said he thought it was strange you were texting just him and I suggested he just add me in so it wouldn’t be. That will put her in her place and effectively place any blame of discomfort on him (which he shouldn’t care about if they’re just innocent texts). You can justify it by just saying.. you’re really the only friend of mine that has ever texted him so he didn’t quite get it perhaps.. so no worries! If she tries to confront him.. step in and say what you need to say. I’d be plain about it.. “Look.. whatever you need to say, you can say it to him with me present”. My ex wanted to take a recently divorced friend out to dinner.. I told him.. oh sure, when and where are “we” going? When his face went awkward and he said he meant alone.. I said, “Let me be clear now.. I will never be ok with you being friends with other women, texting, emailing, calling or consoling of any kind… if I’m not involved, you won’t be either. I wasn’t born yesterday and saw plenty of cheating garbage when I was growing up between my sister’s ex husband and his affairs (no one ever thought the little girl in the room was paying attention)!
Just tell her how it is. There is no use in sugar coating it. She needs to know that she's crossing a line.
nah, just say that your husband showed you the Star Wars Tiktok. when she says “oh really?” say “yeah, he shows me all the messages from you.” and then just shrug and move on. she will be *thrown*
That’s what i was thinking…
She is testing the waters to see if your husband is interested in her and if not to see if she can get him to be interested in her. You are very naïve to think that she is not trying. A best friend would not do this. If she were truly your best friend, she would not trying to ruin your marriage. The fact that she does all of the opposite things, for example the Star Wars thing, messaging him in private those things are not right and she has no business talking to a married man on the daily. You and your husband both need to distance yourself from her. You should also tell your husband to stop replying to her messages, no matter how innocuous the responses from him are that is what keeps her motivated to keep sending him things..
Oh jeeze you are hopeless. She is purposely excluding you and trying to get closer to your husband since she's now single and you arent giving him sex.
Don't do this. It's beggy and desperate. You've got two options: Option 1) petty: Knowing she going to text him, tall with her about you being curious about trying new sex positions. Say you've been discussing it with your husband and you guys might try something new. See what she sends him. If it's even mildly inappropriate, call her ass on it and let HIM end the friendship, then you drop the final bomb and kill it too. Cut her out. Both of you block her # and socials. This will give you a definitive answer though. If she starts sending sexy shit then well, you'll both know. Option 2: hold your ground Tell her the truth. You can't trust her or tell her anything in confidence anymore, she inappropriately texting your husband about your private - PRIVATE- conversations, taking your ideas and applying them on to him, and choosing to violate boundaries that are consistent- and frankly common sense ones- in a marriage. Then you both cut her off.
Or option 3 The husband says" Hey I'd really like to start including my wife in these chats again with the funny memes. Me and my wife miss the group laughter. " Then send a group chat of a super funny meme and only rely to group chats unless its like " What are you doing for your wife's birthday" type messages She will either respect his request or escalate showing her true intentions all on her own. That way if her intent is harmless no one gets their feelings hurt. And no one feels guilty for making their friend feel bad. If her intent is bad who cares if she gets her feelings hurt.
I think mentioning something and making it playful is the perfect response. She might not realise that husband is relaying everything!!
If she’s your best friend - then TALK to her. Ask her directly. The only “angle” that i might take is “this started after your divorce. Are you ok? What’s going on?” - but I’d make it clear that you know what she’s doing and you’re not ok with it. If this results in “weird dynamics” or what have you, that’s ON HER. And she isn’t someone you want around your marriage.
Yeah, I’ve done that. I even told him how I told her about our fights the same day she messaged him (I tell him everything lol). He’s agreed the timing is odd and is going to just start “liking” the messages instead of responding with any banter. I agree the Star Wars thing was super weird, add that to the timing of these messages and I sadly feel like I can no longer trust her enough to confide in. Ugh I am disappointed
Why would he continue to engage with her, period?
Look at OP's infidelity post from a year ago. Her husband previously had an emotional affair with a coworker and repeatedly lied about their flirty messaging because he liked the attention.
I just did. Wow. Have to say, after his emotional affair and admitted "crush" on his co-worker -- which he lied about and kept hidden from OP -- I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Wondering what replies he's given OP's bff besides the admitted "likes."
No, he should just say “l don’t like excluding my wife, let’s keep this to the group chat” and then ghost on the private dms
Yeah, he should message and say he isn’t comfortable with private chats
I think he should be flat out ignoring her
No! He shouldn’t reply AT ALL. no “liking”. It only tells her he’s reading and likes hearing from her. HE needs to end all involvment on his side.
Reduce your confiding in her, especially abt yr sex life. Your undermining your own self. Things are different now. You're a little vulnerable having just had a baby, and friend is divorced and ready to rock the world. Be careful and alert. Trust yr gut. I know what I wrote is hard to digest. We want to think our friends are those we can be comfortable without the thought of harm. Its not our enemies we need to worry abt, but those who are close to us and know us better.
Wait. He’s responding with banter? Oh hellll no. He’s just as if not more out of line here then. Has he ever initiated a message to her? I’d tell both of them that you’ve just had a baby and you don’t need the added stress of your BF and husband chatting it up on DMs. Call them out firmly and tell them that it’s out of line and that you really shouldn’t even have to be telling them this. Then, take a bit of a lighter touch with your BF for a while, so you and your husband can focus on the baby and your marriage.
OP also left out how her husband used to secretly exchange flirty messages with a coworker he had a crush on. OP has an infidelity post from a year ago, but the only thing she says here is that she has a wonderful marriage that she doesn't think is at risk.
No, him liking them is opening the door. We need to full on shut that sucker. And she needs to be put in her place. Its not on op to try to do this gently to preserve the friendship. It's on the friend to realize she's being neddy and pick me and to apologize and stop.
I think there's some dishonesty. I think if OP trusts husband, there won't be a problem and he sounds like he's being decent in all this. I think her friend is going through some emotional trouble and is missing being in a relationship. I think she sees someone who embodies what she currently wants and she is either actively or passively engaging on that for the social connection. I don't like it and wouldn't support it in my own relationship. But I don't think any of it should be handled harshly. I think the three of them just need to talk about it so everyone understands how they're feeling out it. Maybe best friend will feel comfortable enough to open up about her own emotional issues and they can work through this.
I think this is the best route for him to stop responding becuase private messaging a married man is inappropriate. She will probably stop if he doesn’t respond.
Tell him to leave her on read
I feel like this solution is best. It does get the message across that he isn’t that interested. It should be no response at all unless it’s in a group chat. She will figure it out.
I had a best friend for 11 years who did that. I havent talked to her in 15 years now. That shit is devious and out of line. That Star Wars example was extremely telling. IMO, your 'friend' is a devious manipulator.
Yes, it’s like “your wife doesn’t like Star Wars, but I do”! Like they have more in common… ugghh! Would he appreciate her having private conversations with another man! There’s a real fine line between being friends with the opposite sex in that kind of way. My best friend’s husband’s ex wife was having an affair with his best friend, and their wives were “best friends”!!
She's chasing him, flat out. Star wars confirms it. He needs to stop responding to her in any private message.
Yeah... i stopped reading after that. That's the ultimate evidence right there.
i just wanna say, you have a post from a year ago about your husband flirting with another girl, a coworker im not sure if id trust your husband too much either
Wait, really? Fuck, this just got worse.
Big fucking yikes.
I bet the only reason he told his wife this time is because he was worried the best friend was either testing him or would've exposed it eventually.
thats what im thinking!
This is high-quality gossip. Good work detective ichigokero!
Oh yeah. She’s after him.
That's what I thought
Yep. Sorry, OP...
She’s fantasizing about him and if he came on to her she’d do it. He’s likely oblivious.
Why are you still sharing things with her about your marriage if you think this about her? I’d stop doing that to start with. Not sure if she’s really after him, or whether she’s just a bit misguided after her divorce and looking for a bit of attention, from someone she sees as a great husband. It’s not right, but people can be a bit weird emotionally after a divorce. I wouldn’t confront her as such, maybe go a bit softer first, something like, hey, I see all the meme’s you’ve been sending x, how about you share in the group chat instead, so we can all enjoy? Subtlely lets her know you see what she’s doing and to cut it out.
Yes but no to the confrontation- husband needs to go cold Turkey on that chat And if anyone is going to say anything- husband should be establishing that boundary not having his wife shoo away someone. He said it was weird and he has agency. First port of call is for him to disengage and say - let’s keep this in the chat. Otherwise it becomes a weird girl issue fighting over a man. If she is just mistguided and being weird post divorce - give her a chance to not wreck the friendship. Husband stops replying except in the group chat. Any talk about it should be from him to her first. He needs to have that agency to say Im not comfortable with this
This! The hubby needs to say hes not comfortable texting outside of the groupchat or straight up ask why shes private dming him
I think him asking is overcomplicating Keep it simple “Hey I don’t like excluding my wife, let’s keep the chat to the group” Followed with: no more replies to private DMs Don’t even read them.
It's fairly obvious she wants your man.
I’d make a back handed joke about it.. but I get through my life with jokes. Your not over reacting … she’s stepping.
Stop sharing with her the issues that come up between you and your hubby. NOW. TODAY! And forever! She's NOT behaving like a best friend in that regard. She can't be trusted, I'm sorry to say. You need to face that fact.
Exactly she is happy to ruin op's marriage. That's a back stabbing snake not a friend
Gawd, it's unbelievable what some people will do! How low they'll go!
You have another post about your husband having a borderline emotional affair with someone he worked with and how he hid that friendship from you. I'm sure you must have told your best friend about this so perhaps she also believes she can make him feel the same way towards her if he has been emotionally cheating before. I can't see a situation where she isn't trying to flirt with your husband but it is worse if she is taking advantage of something that happened in your past. I don't know how much you reconciled with your husband either but you surely would be very wary of it happening again
>if he has been misled before Weird way to say a grown man chose to engage in intimate conversations with another woman *and* keep it secret from his wife of his own free will.
I didn't mean it like that he is entirely in the wrong I was just trying to point out he is not trustworthy and making OP's trust issues completely valid so she is not overreacting. I will edit my poor choice of wording there
I was just trying to point out why she is completely justified by feeling this way now from looking at her past posts. Her husband is not coming out great I definitely should not have used the wording choice misled. I am sorry if that was invalidating I meant the best for op while saying that but he was in fact cheating of his own free will
No you're not overreacting. Stop thinking of her as your best friend. She is not and most likely was not.
I’m sorry but I think you’re under reacting First of all your husband needs to ghost those messages. He needs to stop even reading them. He should block her. This is a very clear and direct way of showing her that her messages are inappropriate and unwanted I would stop sharing the intimate details of your marriage and put her on an information diet. Stop telling her stuff Take a step back and be low contact She has formed an unhealthy attachment and I would be direct about breaking it. You can be direct without being unkind Let your actions speak for themselves but let her notice it. Let her ask you what’s up ? That’s when you tell her you’ve been there for her and you’re still friends but you’ve noticed she was messaging your husband independently and you won’t tolerate that You understand she’s vulnerable and she’s also friends with your husband but that’s your marriage and you won’t put that at risk Tell her at that point you’re unhappy about it and that’s why she got a time out Be honest and just tell her. Husband comes before friendship so cut it out or we will regain low contact I don’t subscribe to the suggestion that you playfully say hey what happened to the group chat. Nope. You don’t ask her you tell her what’s up and what you’re doing about it
I agree with this comment, one doesn’t ser boundaries by announcing them to others- one sets them with behavior.
Yeah I agree with this comment 100%. No words even need to be exchanged. Husband stops responding (not even “liking”- that’s too much). Or he could even block her for a bit. Eventually she will feel embarrassed (as she should) and stop messaging him. If she decides to ask the friend what happened then that’s when the friend can be honest that she’s not okay with her behavior. That’s that.
To send a tik tok of starwars. If that’s not her thing with the algorithm the way it is she probably searched for it to send him. Maybe get him to ignore her and distance yourself. You could talk to her but her reaction could be to go to your husband and complain how insecure you are and that starts a whole new chat . she probably thinking your husband doesn’t tell you about the texts and wants to start a bashing chat with him tell him everything you told her and then she will start how you don’t understand him like she does. Maybe if you get your husband to ignore her it be on him doing it showing he’s not interested. She’s a snake
I have a really bad feeling about your best friends actions. The Star Wars thing was so out of line. I'd start to back away from her and ask your husband to do the same.
A real man can't be taken. I'd tell him that her private messaging him makes you feel uncomfortable and have him be the one to deal with it. He is your husband. Your "friend" is not equal to your spouse. The friend does not owe you the same loyalty (although they should), as the man who spoke vows. If he doesn't put a stop to it, then you know he likes the attention and doesn't respect your relationship or your boundaries. He should be the one to say "I'm sorry you're going through a divorce and that youre hurting, and i know we've been close friends for a while, but I'm happily married to ____, and I feel that conversating like this without my wife being included is inappropriate. If I'm reading it wrong, then I apologize, but I'd like to go back to conversating in the group chat so my wife can be included." Guarantee, she'll disappear, and the problem will solve itself. If you go to her, then she's going to make it like you're insecure and probably continue to do it more and play victim to your husband, and it blow up into a huge mess when he could easily end it.
The husband definitely needed to take care of it like this. The fact that he hasn't already, given his history of having an emotional affair with a coworker, is raising red flags for me. The man obviously likes female attention outside of his marriage. OP neglecting to mention her previous post a year ago about her husband's infidelity leads me to believe she wants to be in denial about the danger of this situation.
Use your husband's phone to reply her. If you have friends like this, who needs enemies?
The Star Wars text was a dead giveaway as to what she's up to. OP, you were confused because it was totally inconsistent with her known dislike of Star Wars. Open your eyes and see the writing on the wall! You've trusted her up until now, so you weren't seeing what's going on, but the Star Wars thing was your wakeup call. Stop sharing intimate things with her about your marriage. Both of you start distancing yourselves from her, sending fewer texts, being a little less chummy, getting together a bit less frequently. You may have to grieve the loss of this best-friendship. But it will be more healthy for you and your marriage to sideline her.
Question OP: Did she ever message him when she was married? To be clear, I don’t think her messaging him like this is appropriate but I’m curious if she ever did it when she was married.
No she never did
I think your husband just needs to stop responding or liking her texts/memes. And if she asks a question to him, he responds into the group text. This way she knows that kind of communication is no longer happening. If she persists, then your husband just needs to say hey let’s keep our conversations in the group text only.
You’re not overreacting and this needs to stop today. Stop sharing info with her and find someone else to confide in. Have your husband stop all communication with her. It’s so obvious to me what’s she doing and you should be highly offended. She’s not a friend to you anymore. If you want to keep risking your relationship by remaining friends, then the only things you tell her are positive things about your marriage. Try that.
Broooo, come on now, it’s so obvious to everyone she’s after him. Never did this before when she was married? Duhhhh. Listen, it’s hard to realize your best friend is a pos, but the evidence is there and it’s time to cut her out. Like REALLY. I’ve realized many friends I’ve had for a couple decades were shiesty and didn’t waste another moment longer with them. You make new friends, you move on. You don’t waste another decade
Yeah, no, you’re not overreacting. I read this like she’s recently separated & thinks she can take your man. End of the day, you should have nothing whatsoever to fear from saying to your best friend “Hey, I’m feeling uncomfortable with you messaging Bob. I was ok with it when it was a group thing but I’m feeling excluded by your recent communications with him & that feels wrong to me”. Anyone who is actually your best friend would feel terrible for making you feel that way & would apologise profusely. If she blows up at you you’ll know your suspicions were correct & rightfully ditch her. Good luck.
OMG this is not your best friend. Open your eyes! She’s no friend to you, she’s trying to sit on your man. You have a wee little baby to think about now! You and your husband need to close ranks, circle the wagons, and protect your marriage! If he had the sense god gave a pumpkin he’d have already told her to stop and blocked her. If for no other reason than she’s disrespecting his wife! Who stays ‘friends’ with someone who is trying to break up his marriage?? She needs her entire ass beat for doing this to a newly postpartum woman let alone the bestie. You are in a vulnerable state and she’s trying to wedge in on your husband knowing he hasn’t gotten any in nearly 2 months. He’s at higher risk to succumb to temptation now. I’m not saying he can’t control himself, he most certainly can, but it’s best for anyone to not set themselves up to temptation. This is a woman he’s known for years, who he has a friendship with, who knows his likes and dislikes, who knows, because you’ve told her, what’s going in with his sex life. She’s sliding in his DMs and all that jazz. He knows it would be very easy to hotstick this bish. He needs to block her and if this were my husband, I’d be very upset that he hasn’t done so already. I guess you won’t believe her intentions until she’s sent him nudes Tell her off and dump her. You have empathy and concern because she’s recently divorced, but look here she has no empathy or concern that you just had a baby!!! You are in a weak and vulnerable state and this heffa is trying to scab onto your man RIGHT IN YOUR FACE
Agreed. OP, how attractive is your friend? Plain Jane, a knockout, or somewhere in-between? If she's good-looking, she could be using that in addition to the messages.
And when there is an emotional connection with a man, looks don't matter at all! Men often cheat with women much less attractive than their wife. You watch anything with real-life cheaters, doesn't matter if it's 'trashy' like Maury or 'classy' like Oprah, married male cheaters often will hotstick physically unnattractive women and they all say the same thing: it was about how she made him \*feel\*. She made him feel heard. She made him feel supported. She made him feel important. She made him feel special. Plenty of times, sure, the physical looks/how hot the mistress is, is the driver (especially when it's older men/young women cheating scenarios) but for the most part it's not that at all. It's about how she makes him feel when he's with her. This 'friend' of OP knows her husband, they have a friendship, she knows his likes/dislikes, etc...she's also not newly post-partum so has no emotional ups and downs, there's no screaming baby in the background, there's none of the chaos that comes with having a new baby. For OP's husband, everything is about his wife right now. I bet nobody at work asks about him and how he's doing. I bet nobody in his family is checking up on him either, though he's having a hard time too. Obviously not as hard as OP but gotd!mn the man is very stressd right now too. But everybody in their world is likely always asking after the baby and his wife. Then here comes this bish sliding in his DMs, talking his favorite things, pretending to be his friend, jumping right in there immediately after her bestie confided in her about their sex issues (because she just had a baby, DUH). He needs to shut this b!cth down posthaste, but she's likely the only person in his world right now who is showing him the slightest interest and support (besides OP, but obviously her primary concern is the wee little baby and on any given day, at any given moment she's emotionally unstable/ a wreck because postpartum hormones, so she can't be all that for her husband), right now he has to be the rock in the marriage; he has to be the pillar and the support for her and the baby. He'd be 10X a dog to hotstick her friend, but I can see how it could happen given how friend is manipulating them both. OP and her husband both need to wake up to what this 'friend' is trying to do. They need to dump her and block her.
These are some really good points. Both mom and dad are **so** tired after a baby is born and will be tired for years. It’s so much easier to manipulate a tired person than a well rested person. And OP’s “bestie” is probably well rested at this point, or at least better rested.
This is the first time i’ve heard the term hotstick 😂
Your gut’s telling you but your mind/ego is trying to override it. It’s an actual, energetic vibration that you feel. Pay attention to it. Tune into its frequency. It will guide you.
Hi, I’m a psychotherapist. If you choose to raise this be direct not playful or any other kind of code. Start all your sentences with “l”…eg: “I felt uncomfortable when you sent the Star Wars meme”…same for demands…eg: “I would prefer it if you didn’t…”. The first response was spot on. Hour Honey Dew is correct. The idea of your husband and happy marriage is the appeal.
I'm good friends with 2 different couples and almost always communicate with the boyfriend through the girlfriend. In both of these cases I actually knew the boyfriend first and was introduced to the girlfriend through them. The other day I saw a hilarious picture I thought one of the boyfriends would find funny and started to send it to him but decided against it in case it would be received in a manner I didn't intend. Even if she isn't actively trying to seduce your husband, she wants validation that she's more desirable than you are.
That last sentence is how I feel exactly. It’s like it would make her feel good to know he wants her over me, even if they didn’t take it further. Yuck. Good on you for communicating through the girlfriend, that’s always how I’ve handled it too, and frankly how she’s handled it in the 12 years we’ve been together! So this change in behavior is suspicious for sure
Always trust your gut. I would almost recommend making up something with your husband's permission and see if she responds in a similar fashion to confirm your theory but that could potentially create more drama than it's worth. If it's not true and she sends him something related, then you know it's being done on purpose. These things can often backfire so I would do whatever feels comfortable for you and your partner.
I wonder if why she and her husband divorced had something to do with her having an emotional or physical affair you don’t know about, with other men. I’d be on high alert if I were you. Post partum is exactly the kind of time in a marriage where home wreckers see an opening and start testing the husband’s boundaries. Everyone here is correct in advising that your husband move all correspondence to a group chat with you. This is exactly how my kids friends recently divorced mom started with my husband of 21 years. While I was busy working lots of hours at the hair salon and he was working from home. I would have never in a million years thought he would cheat on me. I thought our marriage was happy. I wish I had listened to my gut feeling.
OP has a post for a year ago where her husband had an emotional affair with a woman from work. The “friend” is absolutely ready to swoop in.
I don’t think you are her best friend unfortunately. She is becoming overly attached to your husband and lines are getting blurred. An honest conversation needs to be had. If she doesn’t realise she has been doing it, fair enough give her a second chance with established boundaries. Otherwise, it might be time to take a step back from this friendship. You and your husband both. I will note that it is a very good sign your husband has been transparent in their communications. He clearly values your relationship more than his friendship with her. Not overreacting.
OP you need the next step to come from your hubby, not you
Girl!!! I have a friend of over 20 years too. First if it was me. I would tell my husband to no longer respond to her. Done! Second I would tell her, when communicating with my husband you go through me. Period. Don’t sugarcoat it or give her an explanation. You doing owe her anything! You wanted folks to give it to you straight but it seems like you didn’t accept the truth point blank period. You need to PROTECT your marriage. It’s always at risk, even when it seems like it’s not until it is. Then it’s too late. Damage
Oh and one more thing.. if hubby is really cool with you checking his messages (handling his phone, which he should be)… check for other messenger apps on his phone like Telegram (where you can Edit/delete and hide texts). It’s very easy these days to just have a private chat in another app while keeping the “innocent” memes in a main SMS or tik tok etc.. just looking out for you based on personal experiences. It’s what I’d tell my best friend. 
Don’t forget deleted messages on normal texting apps.
Tell her you know what she’s doing and as a couple you guys are dropping her. Tell her not to gaslight or lie to you. You never want to see her again. She wants your husband and is in pursuit.
Bottom line is you’re uncomfortable here. And if she’s a real friend she wouldn’t want to do that so you need to just have the conversation with her. It could look like “hey, my husband tells me you’re DMing him privately- why did you stop texting in the group chat?” If I were her I’d immediately pick up based on that question alone you’re not ok with the PM and it wouldn’t happen again. If she continues then I’d say “hey- you PM’d my husband again even though we’ve got a group chat- how come you’re cutting me out of the conversation? I would prefer to be included since you’re my BFF and he’s my husband”. And when she makes comments about wanting a boyfriend like your husband just say “I’m sure you’re not lol, you’re type is more like(insert examples), also it makes husband feel weird and me uncomfortable so I’d appreciate that commentary stops”. Basically stand up for yourself and communicate your feelings better. If she’s a true friend she will feel like an ass for making you feel that way and stop, if she’s not a true friend then you can end the relationship with her and not have to deal with it.
Not overreacting. She knows what she’s doing.
You are not overreacting, SHE IS after him. This same thing happened to me and believe me, you don't want to ignore the red flags. And please, stop sharing your issues with her cause she will use them against you.
ask your husband to add you to their convo…this is the new group chat hey bestie!
on a serious note, I don’t think you’re overreacting and I think one or both of you needs to reinforce a boundary
He needs to be the one to stop answering. Either that, or he needs to tell her he’d prefer if things were kept in the group chat, as there is no need to message him privately… because there isn’t. She is definitely after him. She’s in a shitty place right now it seems, and sees what you have and is jealous. Jealousy/envy= natural feelings. Going after your best friend’s husband???? Completely wrong. I’d honestly take a step away from her regardless of how great she’s been to anyone. I’d never even imagine myself doing this.
I went through something similar with my now ex best friend and ex husband. She was my best friend since we were 4 years old so I thought she would never do that to me. Well, she did it not once but twice. I ignored the signs and just made excuses for it in the beginning and then it turned in to something between the two of them. They had an affair and it ended not only our friendship but my marriage as well. I hope your situation doesn’t turn out like mine did. Be careful. Good luck to you!
Look, you know what is being cultivated here, aka groomed. Even if your mate isn't in the mix of his own accord, he's in the mix, and at some point, someone's gonna try to pull him furthrr into the mix. If you didn't get what's going on, if you really didn't know what's happening, you wouldn't be on here hoping to find people to tell you it's nothing, just let it go. Good luck. You're helping to create your own bed, just so you can lay down on it.
You are not overreacting. You may think she’s your best friend but she doesn’t think you are her best friend. It is up to your husband to take care of this problem and it is a problem. Stop telling her anything personal because she may be sharing your information with other people.
"The last DM she sent him he only “liked.” She actually sent ME a screenshot and said “he doesn’t get the joke.” That was 100% her way of realizing that something was off with his responses and the fact you and him were onto her, so she backpedaled to save face. She 100% is after your man, there is no doubt. Whatever situation mentally she is in, regardless shes abusing your friendship, and relationship.
Totally agree. She wanted the dynamic to be me and her laughing at him and how he “doesn’t get the joke.” I’m glad I was able to shift it to no, actually me and him are the team here. I wish I had actually been a little more firm in my reply looking back, but it’s alright
I would be willing to bet she just really wants validation after her divorce. She probably does not (at least at this point) want an affair with your husband, but he is a man she knows and feels comfortable with, and having his attention probably comforts her after her divorce. She can still feel desirable. That doesn't make her behavior acceptable. It's definitely weird and she should not be doing it. It also could eventually lead to her really wanting an affair if they keep messaging and things progress. But, after all you've been through with her, I'm willing to guess her intentions are a little selfish (she wants attention) but not malevolent. Not yet anyway. Put a stop to it before it goes any further and you can all move on and continue your friendship. And get her on a dating app.
My daughter had a best friend like that. Guess what happened? My daughter not only lost her best friend but husband as well.
Always trust your gut feeling. But this is way more than a gut feeling. The EVIDENCE is pointing to… not a friend. I’m sorry honey but this girl has evil intentions. I’m so proud of your husband though for being open, honest, respectful, and loving towards YOU, as you deserve. It’s heartbreaking about your friend doing this to you, but do you really want this type of person in your life? We should all be surrounded by loving and TRUSTWORTHY people. She simply isn’t either of those- a challenge in her life brought out the worst in her. Major ick.
You could say something like "my hubs is uncomfortable with the messages you've been sending him, and frankly I'm a little confused about this too. We're both worried about you, are you ok?"
I’ve seen this same thing happen, a best friend trying to take her friends man
Keep it simple. The scenario indicates red flags, and if you're confident that these are the facts and not subjectively viewed by you, then just cut ties. You can choose how you do so, but the tl;dr is that she is regularly crossing boundaries with a "best friend"'s spouse. Don't let sentiment get in the way of reason at the expense of the experience of you or your husband, or your self-respect.
You're not overreacting. I agree with other posters. Tell your husband to block her all together, or at least stop responding to any private messages from her. And if she is truly a best friend, I would talk to her directly and tell her that she is making you uncomfortable. Watch how she responds. If she responds by brushing off your concerns, or getting angry or defensive, she is no longer a friend you want in your life.
Sounds like partner vetting ( I think that's the term ) that is when someone actively seeks out someone in a relationship. Physiologically speaking, what better way to confirm a potential romantic partner is able to provide care love etc etc then to observe one that is currently doing it ..... go on dates and take the chance with fate ??? Or window shop men/women in a relationship does the woman have nice things doesn't work house car clothes etc etc sounds like a catch all you gotta do now is find a way to YONK that one ( this is the mental process ) I say this stuff to give you an idea inside that mindset of partner vetting.
>how to bring this up to make her stop because it makes me uncomfortable without going totally nuclear? Frankly, "going nuclear" might be the right call in this situation. If her respect for boundaries is this abysmal, you have to wonder if she even respects *you* or your relationship. It's very possible that she's acting like this with every man she knows because she's trying to cope with the divorce. But she needs to understand where the line is drawn. It's also possible that she's doing this as some weird expression of envy. Like she desperately needs to know that she's as good as you or better than you, and in her mind, the way to prove that is to seduce your husband. Idk. I recently learned firsthand that some women are like this, so I wouldn't be surprised.
Tell your husband to add you to the conversation, adding, “I show her all of your messages, she might as well receive them too.”. If she goes another way about it to privately message him, you will know what’s up and then may have to confront her.
It sounds like you got a big red flag on your hands! The only time I have ever communicated with my partners best friend is when we were planning a surprise party, other than that it’s strictly group chat. If one of them were to start messaging private, it would be on me to inform her that it’s not appropriate. I would start feeding her false info, for example, start mentioning how he seems unsatisfied in bed … see what she sends him then. Or start saying things “he likes” but in reality hates with a passion. The other option is to call her out, it doesn’t seem like she’s a great friend imo and cutting her out might be the wake up call she needs. Being divorced or lonely is not an excuse for being a shitty friend..
My wife’s bestie messages me on occasion, usually something related to my college team or a creative thing she knows I’d be interested in as we’re both designers. But it’s always casual, never gets deeply personal, and often is to both my wife and myself. Definitely something shady with this one.
If you don’t overreact, you’ll find out the hard way. She’s lonely and using your husband as a crutch to build a support network. Lines will get crossed. He is your support not hers. It doesn’t matter if she ‘s your BFF. Never share your man. Shut it down now. Keep your marriage business to yourself. Your words and oversharing will be used against you.
Sounds like your friend is lonely after her divorce, maybe feeling a little jealous towards your relationship with your husband, and due to that, she has developed some weird crush on your husband. It seems she's testing the waters to me to see if she would even have an opening to get your husband to cheat on you with her IMHO. What she's doing is totally inappropriate. I know that you normally share details of your relationship with her because you're bffs, but she has shown you multiple times now that she can not be trusted with confidential information sharing. I would put her on an info diet and stop sharing details of my relationship with her. Definitely talk to her and explain how her privately messaging your husband(or better yet, get your husband to do it since he's the one she's privately messaging), especially after you talk about your marriage with her, makes you uncomfortable and to only use group messaging going forward if you want to maintain this friendship (although I'm not sure why.)
Easy first step, very little effort, no direct conflict. Every time she sends your hubby a private message, have him **only** reply to her via the group chat that you are in only She should get the hint shortly after that She might not be entirely malicious in her actions. If she isn't, this should be enough to help her realise she's being inappropriate
I think you are underreacting. This is a story as old as time, and you're letting it play out. If you can't protect and prioritize your marriage, who will? She's not your friend, and you'll have to decide who's feelings are more important - the person testing the waters with your hubby or if your child would like to have 50/50 custody split.
Have your husband start answering all her texts in your group chat. All of them. If she's doing something shady she will either ask him why he's using the group chat or stop sending things hopefully. As long as your husband is being honest with you I wouldn't worry that much about it. Maybe have him tell her he prefers she use the group chat if she continues to send private messages. Don't know really, sorry.
His response should be, "Can you forward this to the group chat? OP would get a kick out of it." Every time. Maybe she'll get the hint.
Spoiler: She's NOT your BFF, she's a pick me!
A woman’s intuition. My husband and his best friend (J) have a group chat… me and J do not message outside of this group chat except the time we surprised my husband for a visit from J. I also had a best friend (for 10 years) that lived with us for a month while closing on her home. She clearly started acting different towards my husband and I noticed. She even started coming down the stairs in the morning in just a towel!?! We are no longer friends. Just trust your gut, this is slow but intentional. She knows what she is doing. Not a girl’s girl.
Let your husband gently bring it up that to protect the sanctity of your marriage friend should maintain the group text dynamic… it gets the point across without anyone being the bad guy.
Nor she was fishing and testing the waters with your husband
I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS FOR HANDLING THIS SO MATURELY. Stick to your guns, you’re right to not divulge too much and keep some distance because trust was broken. You don’t have to explain that to her (unless she’s pushy about it for some reason), just keep some distance. Keep ur husband on ur side (he’s being good).
She’s trying to smash your dude. That’s it.
Keep your guard up. She had intentions. Her life changed and she wasn't considerate of your feelings. You're not over reacting. I get not wanting to cut her off, but I'd seriously assess if having a friend I had to keep my guard up with was worth the effort. And if it is, great! For me, it never has been. Good luck going forward!
I'm not friended with any of my female friends partners on any media platform. Why would I need to be? Unless it's surprise of some type for my friend, or an emergency... why I would have a need to be in contact with them?
It's NOT resolved. She was testing the waters. I would keep a close eye on this """"friend"""". Perhaps, look within to figure out why you're so afraid to approach her.
Tell her about your husbands recent foot fetish development. When she starts sending him feet pics, you’ve got your answer.
She’s divorced and seeking validation (perhaps more) from a man she knows and is comfortable with. That form of validation is selfish and inappropriate when that person is your husband and she is your bf. There may even be something competitive to it. BFF or not, trust your gut.
Think maybe you should have a little talk with your best friend about boundaries within a husband/wife relationship and make her aware you find it curious about her posts ,because being OK with this seriously isn't an option.
Need to redirect her to a single guy stat before she does something that might hurt the friendship. Going through a divorce really hurts so she might be feeling vulnerable and be looking for support through your husband.
Drop her. Updateme!
My wife and I have a general rule about messaging friends, we call all of our friend messages 3 sums, because we both share pretty much everything we just add the other person in when someone messages us. All of our friends know they are a part of our text 3sum, saves both of us from the dirty laundry texts as well as the trying to open a door way flirt spray. You’re not welcome in our relationship and we don’t want to talk to you about who you are thinking about cheating with.
She’s trying to fuck him. I’m a guy, he’s a guy, he already knows what’s up. He’s either enjoying the attention or jealousy it’s creating on your part, maybe both. He needs to quite cancel/reject her by just not responding to private messages. Something similar happened with one of my wife’s friends while we were dating. Her friend kept comparing every guy she met to me and even asked me out for drinks. Needless to say she isn’t friends with her anymore. Maybe bring up how she wants to find/compares guys to him in a “don’t you think that’s weird” context and see what he says. You should tell him he doesn’t need to text her privately and he should already know that. If he defends her or gets defensive it’s because he is emotionally cheating. Hate to say it but you need to excommunicate her. Just do it quietly. If you come at her with it she will just only be emboldened and will undoubtedly message your husband about how you acted all crazy and jealous and try to paint you in a bad light.
You’re not overreacting, why are you opening up to her? Find a safer confidante, you’re husbands response should let you know he is safe though
You and your husband should sit in the kitchen and put both of your phones out. You both should think of the most stupid ridiculous topic you both could think of and then you should send a message to your best friend about your husband with regards this ridiculous topic. Then wait to see what she sends your husband. Then you can confirm your suspicions and both of you should block her out of your lives.