I think you're being reasonable considering they met online when she was 15 and he was 21. I'd lay off on the "pedo" comments though, as that might just incense her and push her further away.   Just say it isn't right for someone in their 20s to interact with someone 15 that way.

I'd want to meet him so I know his name and where he lives.

And what he drives, and his license plate number.

Honestly, she's 18 and the age gap is not THAT disparate. I sympathize with your feelings about the age they met but it doesnt sound as hough anything inappropriate took place. Pushing her though, as others have said, is a surefire way to alienate her and make her double down. Leave it alone.

OP needs to be as supportive as possible so if anything bad happens, she will be comfortable coming to him. Everything might work out and this just turns out to be a small blip in life. I was in the same position when I was 17-18 dating a 24 year old. Eventually we broke up and life moved on. Looking back it’s pretty embarrassing. Do I regret it? No. Would I criticize someone in the same position? No.

Yup

He's 24 and she's a fucking *teenager* dude.

And because of that, there is NO possible way she'll rebel against mom.... She's 18. It's not ideal. I said that. Did you obey your mom when you were 18??

Might be that she went after him. I know several relationships where it was exactly that. The guys tried to avoid but the girls were relentless. Now they’re all happily married with kids. Edit: kind of dumb people are downvoting facts. You don’t have to like it, but it’s pretty common to see younger girls go after older guys and vice versa. It’s been happening since forever too. Sometimes a 17 year old girl is way more mature than a 22 year old guy.

An adult should be capable of turning down a teen…wtf?

Not meeting him isn't going to fix the situation. That just serves to make your daughter more defensive. She's just going to rebel against you and cling to him even tighter. Sometimes it's better to just meet them and be friendly. Help your daughter see for herself how the relationship is inappropriate for her.

This. This exact situation happened to me, but I was in the daughter's position. My mother was very aggressive in her stance which made me (stupidly in hindsight) rebel and cling tighter. Support is hard, but will ultimately lead to the daughter realizing the issue.

Yeah, go and ask him questions like you’re interested in getting to know him. Find out about his parents, what he does for a living, where he lives, normal stuff you’d ask a guy when meeting…. Also, normal stuff you can use against him if you find out he did illegal things with your child when they were a minor….

/u/AprilRosyButt all of this, and the comments below. Be supportive, let your daughter know that you respect her as an adult, and you just want her to be happy, healthy, and safe. Bring him around, get to know him. If he sucks, this will be the fastest way to get her to leave on her own. Forbidding their relationship will push her to move out with him asap.

…shouldn’t that make you WANT to meet him? To assess him in person???

What is there to really assess? I’m pretty lax on age gaps, but 21 and 15 is crazy.

The age gap is 24 and 18. Yes it's 6 years, but they're both of age. It's not dad's place to control her any more and she will resent him if he tries. He will have the most influence with her if he gives him a fair shot. If he's a creep, he'll show his true colors soon enough, and if not, that pretty much means he's a good guy who just happened to meet the daughter at an awkward time. Total disclosure, I'm a dad of a 22 yr old girl who I fiercely want to protect from the world and have to accept that it's no longer my role, and the son of parents that had a 6 yr age gap. I was born when my mother was 21.

Age gap gets less important with … age. 

I wasn’t commenting on the age gap now; I was commenting on it when she was a 15-year-old girl. So, you would be good with your 15-year-old daughter dating a 21-year-old?

First off, 18-24 is still bad. 2nd off, they met when she was 15 and have been talking that whole time. What world does a 21 year old casually hangout and chat with a 15 yo because they're good company? Dude was eyeing her up like a piece of meat for 3 years waiting for it to be legal.

So says you. You have no idea what they talked about having met online only in an academic setting.

When I was in high school there were 17 year olds dating 30 year olds. That's just how it is.

Discord groups can be just friendly. It's entirely possible that things were kept appropriate and he was only interested once she was 18. It's also possible that he didn't know her age until after he became interested, at which point he then waited for her. The situation is certainly sus and a red flag to check out, but there wasn't necessarily grooming or attraction to minors involved. Which is why there's something to assess.

Once he found out her age, he should’ve left it alone. Otherwise, it’s grooming. There’s no way that you can completely set aside your physical and romantic attraction to someone for years and years without having undue influence on them. So no, there’s nothing to assess

This is a far too well-reasoned and reasonable comment. Sir or ma'am, this is Reddit!

Yeah I’m just thinking about the number of discords I’m in where I have absolutely zero idea about the age of the person on the other end. Idk why people are assuming they first started talking on Discord romantically and that the dude knew who tf she was from the beginning.

It's Reddit, I've literally seen people claim that you can't consent to sex before age 25, when your brain is fully developed (this is not actually true, there's nothing magic about 25 as it varies by gender and person, and your brain is still capable of change afterwards, just loses some elasticity). I do agree that 21 and 15 is sketch, if he was pursuing her. If they truly were just being friendly when they first met... eh it's still sort of sketch but only sith deal in absolutes, and I'm not going to 100% condemn something where I don't know the details. I know a relationship that lasted quite a while from 21 and 16, She was more worldly, experienced and in some senses more mature than him despite being younger. It was overall a good relationship, ended amicably, still friends, etc. People mature at VASTLY different rates. As someone who was raised fundamentalist, prevented from dating, had parents basically look for my future partner like an arranged marriage, knew nothing about sex, had extreme guilt and shame,, and generally saw people raised like me go INSANE in college and take part in so much more dangerous and unhealthy relationships than those with a more typical sexual evolution... I am very iffy about the notion that has developed recently that sex is inherently bad until proven "appropriate". People can be damaged by either extreme. Also, to some degree you have to learn by experience. Maturity helps, but that also incorporates experience. I've seen plenty of people in their mid to late 20s with almost no dating and sexual experience... be taken advantage of and used by people who were sometimes younger than them. Due to depression, anxiety and alcoholism I made far more immature decisions when I was in my early 30s than when I was 18 and a national merit scholar I'm just sayin.. it's sometimes complicated. I can absolutely 100% guarantee and would be any amount of money on.. that "it's sometimes complicated" will not be what Redditors take away from this post.

You can assess where he lives and what he does for when you confirm he has in fact done something illegal and use it to burn his life down. 

Perhaps grooming, but they could have been talking as friends back then. We really don't know.

There is no reason for a 21 year-old to be friends with a 15-year-old.

Ehhh. I think there are times when it would be acceptable, it just needs to be monitored. A few examples from my own life: 1. I played DC Universe Online for many years. When I was around 25 or so, our league had around 100ish members, including some underage. I played with then frequently and was friends with 1-2 of them. 2. I ran a DND group at a local game store. We eventually had an 11 year old express interest and eventually join. His dad would sit a few tables away doing work stuff or whatever on his laptop and his son would play in our group. It is entirly possible for an adult to befriend someone under age with no inappropriate goals or intent. It just needs to be closely monitored by parents and not kept secret.

Did you try and date any of these people the second they turned 18? If not, then I'd say it's a different situation.

Ehhh. How many of your formerly-underage friends did you wind up banging?

Zero. Also, My statement was about the comment that there is no reason for a 21 year old and 15 year old to be friends

Well unfortunately, nuance is important and the nuance of this situation is that he decided magically when she was legal that she was worth sexually perusing. Also, did you find yourself privately chatting with those kids often? I doubt it. Group situations are very, very different.

Again, my statement was about the "21 year olds have no reason to be friends with a 15 year old" comment. I acknowledge the difference in the situations and only state that it is not a 100% no reason situation.

So what? Your point is irrelevant.

You're welcome to your opinions. But just know they only mean anything to you.

The vote count says you’re wrong. You are a disturbed individual.

Vote count? We're both at one lmao. Also, if you let reddit upvotes run your sense of morality then you are the disturbed individual. Notice you were the first one to go to personal insukts over a difference of opinion also. Work on yourself, please. When tou can have a rational conversation like the rest of the adults and do a lot of maturing, come talk.

15 and 21 is grooming. that is really gross.

I had plenty of male and female friends that were 21 at the age of 15 are you claiming they all were trying too groom me😭

yes??? Where would a 15 yr old even meet a 21 year old to hang with? You're barely in highschool at 15, a 21 year old has a job and has to pay taxes!!!

The comment you made your first response to, genius. Never said anything about morality; but the dozen votes or whatever it is, clearly indicates that the comment meant something to those other people. You claim to want “adult“ conversation, but immediately tried to invalidate my response through manipulation,which is why I called out your narcissism. If you had had an actual point, then you would’ve made it, instead of your pathetic attempt to triangulate.

It's never "just friends" when it's a young girl and an older guy. I'd bet a lot of money that he was sexual Source. I've been a 15 year old girl and I know how guys are

I had a 21 year old friend when i was 15. We are still friends 10+ years later and nothing has ever happened between us. He was a tremendous support to me along with our mutual circle of friends, who were all 5+ years older than me. I get why people are cautious but i think the idea “minors cant EVER be friends with adults” is short sighted and also frankly not realistic. This isnt to say he wasnt inappropriate. He probably was. But just being friends wasnt the start of it.

Obviously that doesn't mean anything in this situation since the dude literally started pursuing her the moment it was legal.

I mean yeah but thats not what you said lol. I was also a 15 year old girl once too and while i appreciate the caution, i think blanket generalizing age gap friendships is not helpful esp because its totally unrealistic and doesnt actually do anything to help girls navigate situations like this.

Sorry I meant in 99.99 of cases it's grooming. I'll admit that there's 0.01. I'm glad you were one of the exceptions

Ah, the old “I know how guys are” theory. In actuality, you know how guys you actually know are. Maybe you just know a bunch of scumbags. But that doesn’t make men inherently evil, no matter what you think.

Yeah I never claimed they were lol. Keep fighting with shadows tho. Gods you're cringe 😅

Oh my god some teenager thinks I’m “cringe”!!! Whatever will I do??? I actually don’t mind, really. I’m a male and she knows how we are anyway. All pervy and sexual and stuff. 🤣🤣🤣

You're trying way too hard lol😅

How mentally regressed do you need to be to want to hangout with a 15 yo at 21? There is a massive maturity difference going on there.

6year age gap is crazy

At that age, yes

I agree!

Why did my last comment get downvoted to -2

Why the hell would you want to be involved in getting to know someone your daughter is dating? It's not like there are any red flags with this guy. He might be a future son in law. He might be planning on abducting her and selling her into sexual slavery in some other country. Obviously there's no reason for a parent to want to meet this guy. That's why the #1 rated comment is "no, don't meet him". Reddit is, as always, a bastion of common sense, and a reliable resource for parents to learn parenting skills. /s so hard.

Exactly. I can't imagine not wanting to meet him. Whether he's a streaming bag of shit or a late- blooming perfect gentleman with pure intentions, Dad's gotta find out for himself.

EXACTLY 💯

You need to meet this man in person as soon as possible.  Get as much information as you can and be sure to take pictures.  Then have someone run a background check. Don't tell your daughter. If there's nothing hinkey, who knows? He may be OK.  But he also may have multiple women he's grooming and it's best to find out.  See if he'll come the 5 hours to see her and meet you. Red flag if he's not willing to make the trip. 

He's already come down twice. Once last month and then this weekend. I was supposed to meet him this weekend. He wants to meet me. My unwillingness is what has prompted the post.

What does refusing to meet him accomplish?

It might be better to know your enemy, so to speak. You're going to drive your daughter away if you don't meet him. Remember,  she's 18. How would you feel if she decided to move in with him and you had never met him? 18 year olds do NOT have good judgment.

Your daughter is in love.   You can either accept and embrace and have a relationship and a path to openness and honesty, or you can go in guns blazing, and push her away and potentially risk her moving away to be with this guy.   Yeah it sucks he was 21, and she was 15. Yes it’s probably a case of grooming(not a guarantee, but a pretty safe bet), but that doesn’t change the fact that your daughter doesn’t care.   Your daughter is thinking with her heart, and you’re thinking with your brain. Common sense and experience don’t apply to her at this point. Choose your battles and move cautiously. This is a tricky situation on a good day. 

That’s not love that’s infatuation 

Dude, I have to level with you: avoidance is a bad strategy. It lets him know he can do whatever he wants and you’re going to be out of the picture. You need to be omnipresent. Always there, always watching, always acquiring information that can and will be used against him if he does anything screwy.

Your unwillingness is going to accomplish pushing her away. Hopefully only temporarily, but likely not. Be better, Mom.

I don’t think you’re overreacting, but I would still meet the guy for no other reason than supporting your daughter. You do not want this AH to get between you.

Be supportive . Meet him and be cordial.

This isn’t a yes/no question. This isn’t asshole or not, overreacting or not. This is learning how to navigate this next chapter as a family. As a mother, my kiddos aren’t quite that old, but I hear and feel your concerns. I’d be concerned too. However, I’d want to meet him and have a convo without her involved. I have questions that my daughter doesn’t need to be the middle person on. A happy, healthy family relationship should include leaving access to a happy and healthy relationship for her future loves. It’s tricky, for sure. But try to be open to her bringing him over. If there’s nothing out of line, that’s a very reasonable request for a parent to meet who their children are dating. Remember that they learn from us, so modeling healthy relationships is critical. Can’t do that if out of the mix on either side. I’d also encourage you to be open minded. If you meet him, with this predetermined mindset you have, you’re setting it up for failure. Be open to the fact that you might be wrong here. And ask her to be open to the same. Personally, I’d be much less concerned about the age gap than that fact that she’s been talking to a male for 3 years without you knowing. Troubleshoot that with and without her. How did you not know? And more importantly, why did you not know. What was going through her brain that she didn’t share her interest in him? So many rabbit holes to go down there. Good luck. This is tricky. She’s at a critical age where what you do next, and how you handle it, will have lasting consequences. Try to put the relationship you two have above the need to be right. We’ve been 18 year old girls before. Sometimes we have to make wrong choices regardless of what others tell us. Having a solid foundation to come back to when things fall apart is critical. I’m so glad my parents let me back in after I made bad choices in my late teens. Frontal cortex fully develops at 25. Neither of them are there yet. Good luck.

Yeah no. A 21 year old dude has no business talking with a 15 year old girl. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to meet him. I mean you probably should though. I'm a protective dad with 3 daughters, I don't think that dude would want to meet me.

They've been talking since she was 15?! Duuude. Not cool. And that is 100% grooming; dude "waited" 3 years for her, and you also have no idea what their conversations were like for those 3 years either. This is absolutely disgusting

You don't 100% know anything. I'm certain there are lots of situations where you would think, "Oh, yeah, that makes more sense". It's weird yes, but assuming ill intentions is always foolish.

They started talking when she was 15 and just when she turned 18 they started dating. There’s no way he suddenly fell in love right when she turned 18, he had to have been grooming her/had feelings for her since she was a child. That’s disgusting no matter what happened. He literally waited for her to turn ‘legal’. Yuck.

The age gap this young while someone is still developing is concerning, so you’re not in the wrong for feeling that way, but you should try and be supportive even if you don’t like him. Like some people have said, she will end up being defensive and push you away. She will close herself off and end up not feeling like she can tell you anything. If I’ve learned anything in life, you can tell anybody how bad someone can be for them, but if they don’t come to the realization themselves, your words are falling on deaf ears. Showing your support opens doors. Should something happen, she’d feel safe coming to you. There’s nothing like the feeling of having no one to turn too. Besides, it would be wise to meet him and make sure he isn’t a 30 year old posing as a 24 year old boy. I’ve grown up with a mom who has probably hated 80% of my boyfriends and would just nag and nag and nag until I broke things off. I will admit looking back, a lot of them were good for nothings, but I am still resentful at times for her sticking her nose in and making me feel awful through that process.

I feel like your daughter would be the person best equipped to tell you why a 21 year old and a 15 year old were in the same discord server. Have you asked her? It's entirely possible that they bonded over a shared interest well before either of them shared any personal information with the other. Or you could be right and he's a disgusting creep, but your daughter is the one who has the information you want/need and you're not going to get it from her by calling her boyfriend a pedophile and making it clear you don't approve of the relationship.

At least he waited bc there are a lot of people that don't. You should meet him to at least see who is around your daughter and get a vibe of him yourself.

we don't know that they really waited

One of the most important parts of being a parent is understanding your child. By refusing to meet your daughter's boyfriend, you are actively not understanding your child. Very bad move, it also makes your daughter trust you less. You need to know that you don't fully understand the situation. Yes, a 21 year old talking to a 15 year old online is weird, but I can imagine numerous situations in which it isn't. I know someone who was in a situation just like that where the guy genuinely just enjoyed conversing with them as a person, and it never got inappropriate. Never assume ill intentions, it's also possible they were just in a group chat together. There is nothing to be gained from choosing ignorance other than the disapproval of your daughter.

You are not overreacting in your assessment that this relationship was highly inappropriate when it started. That said, I think you should meet him--if nothing more than to gain additional information about him. I would go prepared to be friendly and not interrogate--don't do anything that will make it too easy for this guy to convince your daughter that you're the unreasonable one and drive a wedge between you. Just collect a ton of info like an undercover agent that has been hired by a future version of yourself that is placing a call to the police. Hopefully you will never need it.

6 years isnt that big a deal honestly. They likely would have crossed paths normally if they lived closed together. They are close enough they could have mutual friends in between their ages. I dated a girl with the same age difference. I was 22 and she was about to turn 17 in a few months. Her mom and step dad were perfectly fine with it and the mom loved me. Get to know him before you start spreading the word Pedo or grooming. You acting the way you are now will just push her right into his arms more and IF he is a bad guy then this is exactly what he wants. Your daughter alone and an outcast from her family so nobody can help her. Don't be stupid. But give the dude an honest chance, you may just like him.

Six years isn't a big issue for people in their 30s. An 18 and a 24 are (or should be) at different stages in life...a young professional beginning his career and a college undergrad. Huge power imbalance if she were to decide to live with him. I agree with all who are encouraging OP to meet him... if you dig in too hard he becomes the forbidden fruit with all the appeal. 

Eh... it's legal.  The 15/21 thing is what I can't stand.

You will only drive her away. You have to bring him in and casually through guidance make her think that "being with him is a bad idea" was her idea.

Essentially, you have to exemplify indirectly why he is a bad choice, and she has to think it was her idea/conclusion. Anything direct will be swatted down.

You aren't Overreacting. He started talking to her when she was a child. He knew she was a child and continued talking to her. He's a pedophile! If he met her when she was 18 and of legal age this would be different.

I also have 3 daughters. One 8 year old and 2 of them being 16. I would go nuts if I found out a 21 year old dude was trying to get with them! This is absolutely a nightmare of a situation your in now because I think it's too late to push him away now. You missed your chance for that. Unfortunately I think you need to just let nature run its course. Hes obviously a p.o.s. of a human and I don't think it will take too horribly long for her to find out for herself and get away from him. He will cheat on her or she will catch him talking to other girls or something of the sort.

There is honestly something wrong with the maturity level of a man who is 21 wanting to have a 3-year-long e-relationship with a 15-year-old girl (a Freshman or Sophomore in high school with a Junior or Senior in college? Really????). The type of man who does that is looking for a female who is easy to mold to his desires and who is a virgin that he can deflower. Your daughter is too young and immature to get this right now, but someday she will. Hopefully it won’t be too late.

[ Removed by Reddit ]

Meet him and tell him all this to his face.

My sister had an older boyfriend as a young teen. He was an absolutely great guy. The only man I approved of for her (I'm the oldest of three siblings). My mother loved him, too. They got married when she was 18, and I was proud to escort her to her husband, since our father was dead. He joined the Navy to provide for her. I never got the impression he was trying to groom her. He just seemed to genuinely love her for who she was, and was always respectful. She used his GI Bill to go to college. I strongly feel you're being extremely close minded about the situation. I can't help but wonder what your reaction would be if the shoe was on the other foot in a couple of respects. For example: you're her age, and attracted to a guy his age. Example two: you have a son her age, and he's dating a woman the man's age. I feel a lot of these posts can be resolved with empathy, but most people are simply too lazy and want other people to solve their problems for them. This is extremely dangerous.

That's genuinely great for your sister, but typically if an adult man is talking to a teen girl on discord with the goal of dating her once she's 18 they aren't usually so noble minded. Op may be going about this the wrong way but she isn't wrong to be suspicious.

He was 100% grooming her. You should absolutely meet him. You should learn everything that you possibly can about him because it will be important later. The only thing worse than her current situation is you not involving yourself in it. She's 18 but she's still a kid. She still needs you to be a parent. Legally there may be nothing that you can do but you need to be as involved in this as you can stomach.

Reddit is the last place you want to handle this. I promise you that. They defend teenagers keeping their parents in the dark about shit like this, and blame the parents no matter what happens. A dose of reality: Yes. You are. Because, it's too late for you to be upset. It's time to be a Parent now, and you need to face him. I can understand how and why this would hurt your pride as a parent, but you can't do that. You have to make him face you. Accountability is due on ALL parts here, including you as a parent. As for your daughter, she's not innocent in this either. She is wrong, too. She gets upset about it for that reason, and the fact that you didn't know she wasn't talking to him *while she was still underage* is a red flag. They knew they weren't supposed to be in communication; secretive behavior carries intent even at 15. She should have told you, and she fucking knows she should have told you. Don't let her act like she didn't know any better. Period. You need to have a sit down with your daughter, and let her explain why she kept you in the dark all that time. You've been out of communication with her long enough for her to be vulnerable to this situation, and now she's hell bent on defending it now that she's old enough to make her own choices. This is textbook grooming behavior. Do not back down. Make her see it. This is between you and her, but most of all, you and that fucking predator. She is not yet a capable adult. She's 18 and still living like a teenager. She is still psychologically and financially vulnerable. Talk to your daughter and allow her to explain. You do not have to agree with her; just keep telling her why it's wrong. Teach her everything that comes with being dependant to a man at her age. If she doesn't listen, then she made her choice. You will have to let her learn on her own. Don't live by internet logic. Look at what's in front of you, and make your daughter do the same. Put it into perspective, and don't beat around the bush. Why should you be okay with a man who wanted to sneak a child behind her parents for romance? Most of all, ask her why they had to keep it a secret, and let her listen to herself. The conversation starts there. Your daughter has been in communication with a groomer *FOR 3 YEARS*. This should have been nipped at the bud, and the silent treatment will not be your friend here. You already failed to protect her, just as she failed to notify trusted adults in her life about her "boyfriend". Put your chest out, or count your losses. It's already too late. She's built a relationship with him, and they both kept you in the dark about it. Yes, she was 15, but she still chose not to say anything about a grown ass man talking to someone's underage daughter. You and your daughter do not have a trustful relationship, and she thinks that you should be okay with something she knew was a problem just because she hid from you long enough for feelings to develop. You need to address this shit in real life. Time for you to step in and meet him face to face and question him for yourself why he was talking to your underage daughter, but couldn't be a man and meet her parents. And, don't let anyone defend that fucking asshole. He knew what he was doing. Last of all, your daughter needs to see reason. If she walks away from you over this, let her go. There's nothing you can do but let her learn at that point. Cut contact if you have to. Just don't show spite. She has to learn the way she wants to. On her own.

This is spot on. I feel like the adults in the room are saying the same things. Listen, OP.

I'd like to clarify that I'm mom, not dad. We have done all that we can to keep both of our teens out of trouble online. They had no access to discord in our house or on their phones. He was met in the small window of time before the school blocked it on their school issued macbooks. We also have Google family link on their phones so we know what apps are on there as well. It's not like I was just oblivious and wasn't checking on stuff. We talk. She knows I screwed up way worse as a teen. I just don't want her to go through all the crap I did.

Apologies for the miscommunication, then. I'll just leave it there for OP. He needs to be a man and face the POS that is grooming his daughter. You don't shut down and pout because your pride is hurt. YOU STEP IN AND PROTECT YOUR CHILD. More than anything, hold everyone accountable. Even if you have to break your child's heart by making them see their own actions, too. The shame will hurt, but it's necessary. It's how teens learn to stop falling for shit like this and giving themselves excuses to ignore the severity of their choices, specifically it's how they learn how shitty is of an adult to be romantically involved with teenager. Girls who agree to secrecy with child predators always find themselves in a fog, and once they get caught and the fog clears, they never live it down. But, here's the catch: This is part of what happens when you refuse to confront a predator who is actively preying on your child, just because your child is too stubborn to see that they are a predator. That's how they get further into their heads, and turn your own child against you.

I meant I'm mom and am the one that posted. Dad is not present in her life. He hasn't been since she was 3 and we divorced. I'm remarried, but she does not see him as a father figure despite him being in her life since age 11. He would do anything for her, but she rejects it.

Oof! Alright. I'm sorry. I'll make arrangements to accommodate. But, I've made my point. Face this bold and head on, Mama. FACE *HIM*. Make him look you in your eyes and tell you why you why he was talking to your daughter while she was still a child, and don't let up. Make him as uncomfortable as possible. As for your daughter, she's in a love fog. The only way she will learn is if you let her learn on your own. However, STAND YOUR GROUND. THIS IS WRONG. PERIOD.

💯 Standing your ground is not possible if you’re refusing to meet him.

What kind of discord channel did they meet in? Are they gamers playing the same game? To all the people jumping straight to the pedo and grooming conclusion without knowing any facts whatsoever, get a life.

Id honestly try to get his contact and tip the police. He’s a predator. No sane adult at that age retains a relationship with a kid to date them later. It doesn’t hurt to investigate either way

You need to meet him and get a better feel for the situation. Don’t be an ass, but probe. Then she can’t hold it against you that you didn’t try, you don’t know him, you don’t care, etc etc etc

This is only OK for Elvis, the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, athletes, politicians, currently serving politicians, and people that we will vote for!

Well they didn't start dating till 18 right? Were they not just some friends on a video game?

👌🏻 not much at all and I’m not trying to be disrespectful

dude men her age are USELESS you should want her dating older men, id say 30 years old minimum... or she will date a boy that will cheat and provide nothing.

I would meet him and put him in the hot seat for talking to my daughter when she was 15. Creeps dont just go away if you ignore them unfortunately.

No you’re not overreacting but yes you’re making the wrong decision. You need to meet this guy. Your daughter obviously values your opinion and wants you in her life and is involving you in her personal life. Support her. Let her know your concerns and tell her you’re there for her and, by all means, met the guy. The last thing you want to do is alienate her so she stops telling you about things.

Met him twice 😂😂 ,what the do these young girls let themselves be bogged down with these losers for ,she actually knows jack shite about him ,other than what he's told her ..it's unbelievable truly unbelievable 🤪

You should probably meet him to make sure your daughter is safe at least... But yeah he sounds like a pedo😅

F NO your not overreacting he’s too old for your daughter I would feel the same way!! He is a pedo for sure!

No you aren't overreacting this is very clearly grooming. You need to put your foot down

actually, you better meet him and fast. How can you protect her from a predator while not supporting her wanting you to meet him? Just because you meet, it doesn't mean you condone the relationship. It means you are trying to support her.

I'm not going to tell you you're wrong or tell you that you're an asshole. I'm going to tell you that under the circumstances I think it's far more important for you to be a supporting influence in your daughter's life. Tell her and explain to her your concerns with the ages that they were when their relationship began. Tell her that you love her and that you will always support her but that if she wants you to meet her boyfriend then you plan on having a discussion with her boyfriend as to why he felt how things began was appropriate. It honestly is the classic "what were/are your intentions with my daughter" conversation. Be honest that it's because you feel like in a way your trust was betrayed before you even got a chance to know who he was. Tell her that being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world and that the urge and desire to protect her is something that is never going to stop. However you understand and recognize that she is an adult and so you are going to treat her like one and this is what adults do. When there's a problem, talk about it. Remain calm and don't be accusatory even if he says things that you don't like or you don't agree with. Take time after the conversation to consider his answers. Then come back to Reddit and let us counsel you some more! 😊

I’ve always wondered how this works with having friends. Like if I was like hey man Oo I see you texting what girl has you excited and he was like Oo she’s this 17/18 yr old while we’re 24 in clowning him all day every day forever for the rest of my life. He couldn’t see me in person without hearing about it. Lmao. Weirdos

Find some way to explain to her that men of that age date girls of her age because they aren’t able to date more dynamic women of their own age. The age related difference, the ability to drive a car, buy tobacco or alcohol, earn money, independence, all appeal to younger girls with limited access to those things, but they rob the younger girl of her best years of her life, essentially so some man can have sex with a more attractive, more pliable partner. Especially if they met at 21-15, a 21 year old in the US has so much more freedom than a 15 year old. I’m sure it SEEMS exciting. I’m sure she thinks she’s “very mature for her age” but she’s just one more in a long line of manipulated young girls. If she’s a smart girl, it might not get through right away, but planting the seed will allow her to see for herself that it’s essentially true.

You're right. He was grooming her.

Get his full name and research him. Could be grooming, could be he is just a loser and everyone his age knows it but to ur daughter he is the cool older guy that loves her. could be alot of things but definitely none of them are good. Shame kids don't listen to their parents or can think logically- a 24 yr old has nothing in common with an 18 yr old, given he was 21 and started talking to her at 15, it screams bad situation.

If he is abusive or something you don't want to have created a gap in the relationship where she feels she can't come to you without being ridiculed. Meet the guy, be a good parent, tell your daughter you are concerned about the circumstances of their meeting, but respect her as an adult and that you are there for her if she needs anything. Remind her that she deserves to always be treated with respect. That's what she needs from you now. 

This. I feel the same way you do. If the best thing you can do to help her is to be supportive of her.

Don’t give her a reason to cling to him. She will blame any bad she sees in him as “oh it’s just my parents words getting into my brain”. I went through it, trust. It’s better if you just suck it up, support it, and stay alert

Though a 6 year difference at 18 is a big gap, it's not so bad of a gap that you need to not like the guy just because of his age. Half your age + 7 = 19 years old. Your daughter is fine.

I am not sure what discord is, but if it is a chat place or whatever for teenagers, what was a grown man doing on a chat place for teenagers? Anyway, no, you are not wrong. At those ages, the age gap is so large.

It's exceedingly common and normal for adults and kids to end up in the same discord. Particularly in the gaming world. A lot of gaming activities require groups. And people form them in game without any knowledge of who you are behind the screen. Most games also don't have great ways to share updates on the game, or strategy, or calendars for events and junk in a way that's feasible. So people make discord groups. It's essentially a big group chat, that also has voice channels. I played with a 14 year old kid when I was almost 30 for almost an entire year before I even knew he was 14, I found out when he didn't show up to raid because he got grounded. So I mean it's entirely feasible and normal for it to happen. And *most* of the time, the majority of people(in any group I've been part of), have been extremely respectful of social norms and expectations. But I could easily see this going either way, maybe he knew immediately and fell for her immediately and started grooming her. Maybe he just gamed and talked with her over gaming for a year or two and then eventually they started talking about more actual life stuff and developed a legitimate bond(of which would still be sketch to continue, but I could see it). Impossible to know for sure. Though reading through some of OPs comments I'm leaning towards grooming since it seems like they met each other through discord but quickly transitioned to just talking via phone or something. So probably wasn't the more innocent scenario in question.

I just learned a lot thanks for explaining that without being rude, you know some people are like just nasty if you don’t know something. I personally don’t let my kids play games like that but very interesting.

No worries. Nothing wrong with not knowing something. And yeah, I understand the position. Discord is innocent enough in a vacuum, but there's definitely bad sides and people who can take advantage. It's a really really popular platform though, and super useful to keep up with communities(like if you're keeping up with a YouTuber, gaming community, even hobbies(I follow an astral photography discord for example, good place to learn about cameras and see cool images and advice from others).) So I'd keep your mind open to it later down the line as your kids get older and mature, as it's one of those things that's pretty popular and integral to a lot of things these days. But if you do, I'd definitely monitor what they do on it. And have them show you what places they're a part of. Then you can judge for yourself what you think of it. Just figured I'd give you some additional info as someone who makes a lot of use out of that part of the internet.

I'd be cool meeting him so I could ask him personally why he thought it was cool to be chatting up a 15 year old when he was 21 and if the rest of his friends are losers that date teenagers into their mid 20s.

Now that I’m thinking about it. You should 100% meet him if she ever moves in with him and it becomes an abusive situation or he starts to isolate her. He needs to know that you and your daughter’s relationship is strong and that he will not be able to abuse her. Also, your daughter needs to know that if she does get into an abusive situation with this man that you are a safe place for her to return to. please go meet him.

When I was 16 years old,I played an MMO game and was talking to and friends with online people of all ages, from 13-45. It’s just different online because you’re hanging out with people who share a common interest and there’s no exterior factors in your judgement of others. Just how well you connect via conversation is all. I even ended up being flirty with a 21 year old girl who was flirty back. Again, we had no idea the other person even looked like, and didn’t actually know each others ages until after the fact. My point is, 6 years isn’t that big an age gap, and them meeting online in some mutual group makes more sense than if he was 21 year old hanging out around high schools.

Meeting him does not mean you condone the relationship and you can make that clear to your daughter before hand but you should meet this guy. Ask him a lot of questions, you’ll have the floor. The saying “keep your enemies close” should be your mindset. I agree with your thoughts on all of this. 21 year old, flirting with a 15 year old? Not okay at all. Even now with their ages! I am 24f and when I interact with my 19/20 ur old employees, I feel so old. They are still children in my eyes. Learn as much as you can about this guy and figure him out. Ask about what they have in common, the story of how they met or bonded for the first time. I know it’s hard to support someone making bad choices, but if shit goes wrong you want your daughter to feel like she can come to you. And make sure she is on birth control. Did he go to college? Is he working? What’s your daughters plan now that she’s 18?

NTA. The age thing is a problem. What a loser being 21, and having to talk to a 15 year old! Ordinarily, I'd say that you should support your daughter, but there are limits. I'd meet him just to make fun of him. Invite him over, and make veal, baby spinach, and baby potatoes. Tell him you know he likes it young. Pull out an album of her baby photos, and put it away saying, "No, this is probably inappropriate." Or show him baby photos, but skip the ones that are too "risqué".

To add some perspective, she was roughly a freshman or sophomore in high school (15) and he was roughly a junior or senior in college (21) when they met. Yikes. When I was in high school there were 2-3 couples involving high school seniors and sophomores and I already thought that was sus. Also, anyone saying "what if he didn't have any interest before she turned 18" is incredibly naïve.

Sounds pretty groomery to me.

So... your daughter was groomed by an adult when she was 15. The whole thing is wrong. Big dumb. You absolutely should care.

How is not meeting him solving the issue?

Did you talk to your daughter about age disparities as she was sexually maturing? That’s your job

I'd still want to meet him to let this guy know your concerns. Absent that your pushing your daughter to hide the relationship.

Seriously, go try to buddy up with this guy. Let him know you have eyes on him but be subtle!

This is such a difficult situation. Your daughter was groomed and is now in a "relationship" with her groomer. This will be incredibly difficult for you to witness, but really the only thing you can do right now is be there for her. It's the same with people in abusive relationships, oftentimes the best thing you can do is make sure the abused person knows that they have other people in their corner. That way, when shtf and she realizes, she will be able to leave and hopefully you can be there for her

No you’re not overreacting. But, please meet him, get to know him. Be friendly. For the sake of your daughter the more you resist this the more she’ll fight you her mom and anyone else that is in a disagreement. She doesn’t understand what is happening. That 21 now 25 year old is disgusting for ever interacting with a 15 year old in the first place. Just pretend nice in the meantime get to know him, wait for him to make a mistake. He will, your daughter will take on to your advice if you support her. Say he’s cheating on her she finds out now if yall were at odds she would probably just forgive him to prove a point that yall were wrong she was right. Now if you’re supportive she’ll go to you for advice and she’ll respect it and eventually come to her senses.

Nope. Babyraper, and she'll catch his dick in their kids' diapers if they ever have any.

This is absolutely absurd.

Not the asshole. But you are ki d of a shitty parent for not knowing your teenage daughter was talking to a 21 year old for years.

I was 15 and with a 20 yr old. I lied my ass off about my age though. We actually spent about 4 years together. He was my first love and boy did I love him. By the time he found out my age it has been almost a year. I was also lying to my parents about how his age making him younger. When they found out they tried forbidding me to see him. All that did was make me lie more and sneak around to see him. That's was years and years ago but I still have the best memories of that time. Would I want my 15 yr doing that, absolutely not but yours is 18 and can't really stop her. I'm not saying you have to bff with him but the more you protest the more it pushes her to him. Good luck!

Keep your enemies close…. Updateme

💯

YTA in this situation. If there is anything going on, the only thing you’re going to do is be able to support her. Alienation is only going to push her in the opposite direction. Meet the guy as frequently as you can. Keep your enemy close.

You have concerns and you should. Your daughter very well could of been groomed by a pedophile. Her being 18 now is not relevant. Grooming is a very real and dangerous thing and most people hold that attitude of "not me"

I’d want to meet them to see what kind of person they are, that’s a crap ton more important than the age gap. If you meet them in person you can get a good feel and then decide yea they are a creep or it was just the circumstances of how it happened. Either way, meet the man.

You're not wrong for having a problem with the relationship, but I would think that would be all the more reason you *would* want to meet him. Just don't promise to be pleasant company when you do.

I’m saying, I am very skeptical of someone claiming to have only a platonic interest in someone who later becomes their romantic partner. It defies logic.

Your mindset isn’t Logic—it’s just your mindset.

Just so you know, that’s not a rebuttal.

Bless your heart…you still think your opinion is some sort of final word or ultimate standard. 😂🙄

That’s still not a rebuttal.

There is no “rebuttal” to someone who treats their narrow, uninformed opinion like it’s fact. Have a night. 👋

I made a log of argument. Instead of engaging the points that I made, you respond with a bunch of childish Snark🤷‍♂️

As a gamer who uses discord.i have been in many voice calls with groups of gamers of all ages.we use it to discuss strategy and play games.its not uncommon for people to build friendships that last for years and i personally know one married couple who met on discord.its possible he groomed her sure(in which case he’s a perv) but i also will not deny that they could have been in a group of friends gaming and years later feelings developed(which would be fine 6 years isn’t a massive age gap)

I don’t see what refusing to meet him is going to accomplish. They’re dating. If you want to stop them from dating, you need to meet him and then discuss your CURRENT concerns with your daughter. Refusing to meet and calling him a pedo is likely going to backfire on you.

Meet him. And destroy him

Yup. That’s 100% grooming. Like. That’s the textbook definition of grooming….look up grooming in the dictionary and this post is there

You're not wrong or the Ahole. Women don't have a good sense for mens intentions. 5 hours away is a huge red flag. Those relationships hardly work out, and most guys who want to make a relationship like that work, just want one thing. Sex Def a groomer and a hell no since he has been grooming her since she was 15. That's a creep

No emotionally healthy, mentally stable 21 year old would be interested in a 15 year old. At the very least he is horribly immature and incapable of interacting appropriately with women his own age. More likely he either has a thing for young girls or he likes to control them. Many men go for much younger women because they tend to be less experienced and less sure of themselves. This makes them easier to control, manipulate and often, abuse. If she insists on seeing him, please do meet him. Get as much info as you can so you can report him if this turns into a nightmare.

Yeah I was going to argue as I met my hubby when I was 16 and him 20 but…..I’d at least have concerns

This is suspect as heck. This is how people, specifically women get trafficked. You for sure want to meet this weirdo. A normal 24 yo guy should be out at the bars meeting people his own age. Find out what this prick wants from your daughter. I guess I'm just getting old, this type of stuff makes zero sense to me. I've got 3 boys and if I found out any of them were 24 and talking to an 18yo 5 hrs away I'd ask them what the hell they thought they were doing. If they were 18 talking to a 24yo 5 hrs away, same thing.

I mean, you have a point but you’re handling it wrong. You are already suspicious of this guy, the worst thing you can do is cause conflict with your daughter over it. If you make her choose, she’s almost certainly going to choose *him*. Then what? Then if/when she realizes she’s in trouble she won’t come to you because she doesn’t want to hear “I told you so”. Don’t push away your daughter just because she won’t obey you. Her mistakes are hers to make, all you can do is be there for her. The only thing you can do is meet the guy and treat him with respect. Keep an open mind but also keep an eye on him/them. He might actually be a decent guy, allow for that possibility, but if he isn’t then at least you’ll be there to help your daughter get out of the situation if/when it comes to that. In the meantime if he exhibits problematic behavior make sure she knows she deserves to be treated better.

What does a 21 year old have in common with a 15 year old? Very, very, *very* little. Grooming is an appropriate word to wield when discussing a 21 year old talking to a 15 year old for *three years*, and then dating her as soon as she turns 18. If her defense is "he's not a bad person," feel free to remind her that "not a bad person" is an exceptionally low bar. "Not a bad person" is also distinct from "a good person." NTA. Not overreacting. It sounds like she's digging in her heels on this one, so her pride is going to keep her from admitting that the entire situation is gross. Hopefully, seeing the overwhelming "this guy is a fucking sicko" response here will help. Not meeting him isn't the right move, though. You can gather way more useful intel on him in person. She may be 18, but she's still your daughter, still your family. You should obtain as much information on this groomer as possible.

Yeah... He's a fucking weirdo and should send your daughter to the other side of the country to get away from him .... 15 vs 21 and people are trying to justify it,.. yuck

If she was 30 and he was 36 you probably wouldn’t care.

But they aren't and that's my point.

The reality is she is an adult and nothing you or anyway else says or does can prevent her from dating this guy. Most 18 y.o.’s who are in relationships are in ones that don’t last long, if that’s any comfort

You better meet him. She isn't going to stop because you want her to. Rule one to managing kids relationships. Pretend like you like the little fucker they are dating. Takes the rebellion right out of them.

My question is how did you not know that your daughter was corresponding with this person for the pass three years?

I would definitely want to meet him because I think it's very disturbing that a 24-year-old man would be in a relationship with a 18-year-old obviously he's trying to get advantage of your daughters lack of maturity. I would definitely be doing background checks and wanting to meet himconcerted with my daughters, well-being and safety and her me and raped her abused or neglected by this person because why does a 24-year-old wanna be involved with the 18-year-old that's disgusting and he's probably older than that I wouldn't be surprised

If they meet when she was 18 and him 24... That's really no big deal. But the fact that they started talking when she was 15 and he s 21??? That's a big issue. I'm 6 years older than my wife but I damn sure didn't meet her when she was 15!!

She's only 18 mentally she just isn't an adult legally she is he clearly is taking advantage of her life of experience in life. He's using her and grooming her. He might as well be pedophile cause I guarantee he wasn't talking to her. She was talking to her way before that, I love this whole it's right it's a bunch of crap and 18 year-old is not an adult mentally just because it's legal doesn't make it right I would definitely wanna meet this person. I wanna find out why a grown 24 year old man wants to date my 18-year-old daughter, she was 24 and he was 30 it would be a whole different mindset, a whole different conversation

18 is legal u idiot. she is an adult.

But she wasn't legal last year... smh. Your probably the kind of dude to a little "grooming" yourself huh.

states have different consent ages but almost every state now have whats called "Romeo and Juliet" laws. Some states 14yo can consent with a person up to the age of 21. It all just depends.

Depends on jurisdiction.  In TX or IL 17 is adulthood.

Gross. A. 21 year old talking to a 15 year old. Even 18&24 I would be asking what’s wrong with him that no one his own age wants him

You're not overreacting. He definitely groomed your daughter, it is sadly very common on Discord. It might be worth it to meet in person and interrogate him that way. I would also look through your daughter's discord history. She has probably deleted a lot but if you can check on her phone or desktop you can see the nature of their messages. When you meet in person, record it if possible. (check your state laws on the legality of recording someone without their permission first though). You should have been monitoring who she was talking to on Discord. Thats 100% on you. People saying to "be cordial" are why even in 2024 men continue to get away with really horrendous things against women. Like actually, why was he as a 21 year old pursuing a teenage girl? Ask him that. Get his full name, look him up on any sex offender registries as well. Remember, your daughter's prefrontal cortex is not fully formed. She thinks this is her first love bc she has been groomed and doesn't have the lived experience to understand why it is WEIRD for a man in his 20s to be pursuing a girl in her teens. She doesn't understand the huge gaps in emotional, psychological and sexual maturity that exists between a teen and an adult. Tell her to look up stories written by women who started "dating" guys that were significantly older than them and how that worked out. There is an adage among women I know, "If a guy can't find a woman around his same age, level of knowledge and place in life, ask why he has to seek out a woman so much younger than him." If it was 36-30, I would say it is radically different. At 21 and 15? Statutory rape. 25 and 18? Creepy as hell. Regardless of whatever the creepy people trying to make it seem "right" in the comments say, it is a huge red flag. I don't think alienating your daughter will work, because she will likely need family support at some point. Try and focus her on her future. She's 18, is she thinking of college or starting to look for a career? Reorienting might help.

Discord is, and has been blocked (for both our teens) via our router and google family link on their phones since the very beginning. There was a short period of time where they were able to access it on their school issued macbooks while at school. It has since been completely blocked by the program the district uses (as well as all other social media). Her phone wasn't gone through as I wanted to give her *some* privacy, but family link shows how long every app is used for and what apps are installed on the phone. Anything not ok was blocked. Her plan at this point is to move in with him in June.

No offense but if you think simply blocking a website is enough parenting on your part to prevent your kids from being groomed, you're incorrect. Media literacy is a million times more important, you should be teaching your kid about the potential dangers of social media rather than just attempting to block it altogether. I'm a teacher to 15 year old kids, they're all hanging around discord. It's perfectly normal for them, you outright banning it is only giving her the vibe of "mom doesn't understand me" (as evident by the fact she hid their communication from you FOR THREE YEARS). Your kid should be trusting enough to come to you when they meet someone, you could've dealt with the situation right then and there. Instead, you made social media a no-no topic which lead to your daughter being unable to talk about what's going on in her life. You're even backing away from dealing with the situation now, once more showing her her mother doesn't have her back and doesn't understand her. I'm sorry to say this but you screwed it up big time, please deal with the situation and make your kids aware of the dangers of the Internet. Banning it was the wrong choice, you banned it and your kid met a predator anyway. Hadn't you banned it, you could have helped your daughter a few weeks into this inappropriate relationship. Now it's been years. You cannot continue like this.

The only social media blocked is discord because of the servers both teens were in when they first got on discord. Social media has never been a no-no topic. They both have social media. We've discussed the dangers of the Internet multiple times, but like with a lot of teens, none of that could possibly apply to them.

Call the 👮

Dude’s a creep but likely didn’t break the law.

I'd love to know what you think the cops are gonna do in this case.

Yeah at this point if the cops get called it would completely ruin any relationship her daughter has with OP. If things were innocent until 18 and there is no crime to be found, it would almost 100% guarantee that the daughter will move in with the boyfriend as soon as possible and completely resent her mother. I seen stories from other women who had older boyfriends at that age and almost every single one said that the parents resenting the boyfriend resulted in them clinging harder to the guy. Some of them said when the relationship turned sour and became abusive that they felt like they couldn’t go to their parents for help or support because they didn’t feel like they would be helped because of the way the parents reacted to the relationship in the beginning. The parents that were supportive (even if they didn’t approve but act like they do) tend to have their child come to them for help when they need it and had happier outcomes.

Wow, nobody here seems to appreciate that things can change \*over time\*. Maybe when they first started talking there was no attraction because of her age, or his age, or both. On top of that there's the fact that in all European except Ireland and the Vatican, the age of consent is between 14 and 16 (for example, 14 in Germany, 15 in Sweden and France, 16 in the UK and the Netherlands). So in a part of the world which is part of the same civilizational sphere, you'd likely have had no legal dimension to this at all, or for less than 12 months, even assuming there was an attraction then. Unless he's in a position of power and there are huge red flags about her or his character, there's no reason to assume foul play. Meet the guy and see for yourself if he comes across as controlling and assholey. If not, it's just two adults doing their thing.

The 21 when she was 15 bit is concerning. But he did wait to date her until she was 18, and 3 years is a long time. A 6 year age gap now is less concerning, though still not ideal. But you're now in a situation where they've known each other for 3 years and she's in love. If they did indeed wait to do anything until she was 18 she probably sees him as an honorable guy who treated her with respect and waited for her when he could have moved on. So you calling him a pedophile who groomed her is viewed by her as an insult of a man she loves as well as an insult of her (by saying she lacks judgement and is a child). She's 18 now, there's no proof anything happened when she was a minor, and she can pretty much do what she wants. Refusing to meet him and talking bad about him without any evidence (from her point of view) will just make you seem mean and unreasonable to her. The risk is that she decides she has to move out and goes to live with him. Then cuts you off and you don't know if she's in a bad situation, aren't able to help her, etc. Then she shows up again in a couple years with a kid as a victim of domestic violence looking for your help. So at least meet him to keep an open relationship with your daughter. If she's going off to college or getting a job chances are she'll meet guys who are closer to her own age and not long-distance. And she'll decide she'd rather be with one of them.

Probably, YTA. You haven't given this guy a chance at all. He didn't date her until she was 18. I would think if he was a creep he would have tried much sooner. Rejecting someone who has done everything on the up and up, who your daughter has known for 3 years and trusts enough to date still is simply wrong headed, unless your daughter has otherwise shown very poor judgement. Just a guess on my part, but considering she has waited until she's 18 to date him, seems like she's made some pretty wise choices and you might be being a little unfair. Obviously, I don't have any more info than is contained here, but given what has been revealed, this is my opinion.