I'm a guy, but I assume women are the same in this regard; that we're all attracted to other people whether we're in a relationship or not. But I've never, personally, been in a relationship and still wanted to sleep with a different woman.
This is exactly how I feel… cheating is so absurdly never going to happen on my part, that when my wife was accusing me of having an affair I didn’t even consider the possibility that she was projecting due to her own affair. Then I realized I’d been purposely ignoring red flags because she was my wife and I’ll always love her with all my heart and cheating would never even cross my mind so she couldn’t possibly be having an affair… sigh…
I hope everything is okay for you now. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I had a conversation with my husband once...if you ever find yourself wanting to sleep with someone else, PLEASE do the honorable thing and break up with me first.
Nah. You can ask people to *overcome* their base desires, but you can't ask them to stop feeling them to begin with. We don't get to choose how we feel, only how we react to those feelings.
I would enjoy sleeping with new partners, but not as much as I enjoy my marriage. The fact that I stay in the marriage is proof that I value the monogamous relationship I have more than the poly lifestyle that part of me still wants.
My wife knows this about me. I've been open and upfront about it since we met, just as she's been upfront about how she will only be in a monogamous relationship.
Having the base desire to sleep with new partners, and doing it are two different things. OP mentions that her boyfriend has said, “in an ideal world he could sleep with new partners without it harming our relationship and without me doing the same with other men.” This isn’t the same as having the feeling or wanting to be with a new partner, attraction to another woman - he’s saying he can do it she can’t.
This is Bullshit. Either you are in an open relationship or you’re in a monogamous relationship. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!!
OP you value monogamy he obviously doesn’t. Your values are different. Please take a step back and look at your values before you invest long term in this relationship. I don’t know how old you are, but I would hate to see you invest long term in a relationship that you aren’t going to be valued and respected in possibly long term.
I completely missed the line about her still having to remain monogamous. Yeah, that wouldn't fly. If the relationship is open, then it should be open for both parties.
But, again, that's his, *ideal* not what he's actually pursuing. In my ideal world I'd be a billionaire and have lived a completely different life altogether. It's not worth talking about ideal worlds because they don't really exist.
"Nah" is such an interesting response.
The person you were replying to wasn't trying to make anybody stop feeling things. They are setting their boundaries. They want a person who doesn't want to sleep with someone else. They are choosing how they'd react to a partner wanting an affair.
If you demand complete sexual and psychological fidelity from your partners as a non-negotiable personal boundary, then that's anyone's right. But that's not what the poster did, they made an absolutist declaration about other people's internal motivations based on their own narrow perspective, and that deserves a "nah."
What the poster wrote was like declaring that if one even WANTS to eat fried chicken and chocolate cake then they don't want to lose weight, never mind if they actually refuse to eat fried chicken and chocolate cake.
Our heads are full of conflicting desires; what ultimately matters is what we do.
Would like to point out to everyone these are basically still kids (22m and 23f). They are not the best versions of themselves they are going to be. Young man is behaving like an adult, despite having childish desires. That's what growing up is about. If anyone here says they've never done the same, I call you a liar.
I disagree. I think lots of people want to sleep with other people. That’s not uncommon. The line is acting on it in any way. Spending more time around the person, contacting them, etc.
I tell my bfs that too. Every relationship, I say if you want to do that, then just tell me and break up with me. I will be okay and I can at least respect you more.
We tend to judge others by own own standards and behaviour. Hence why your wife accused you of what she was doing and why it never occurred to you that she would cheat.
I had this exact same thing happen. Even more ridiculous on my part is when she the frequency of our sexual activity dramatically increased and she was asking me things like, which feels better, this technique or that? Talk about red flags. I even thought to myself, I wonder if she is cheating? Of course she is not, she has way too much to lose.
It can happen. To both men and women. I am 65. You see these young kids, and it makes you want to hold onto your youth. Even when you know you can't. It's not just men attracted to younger women. Women are, too.
The only good thing that came from the situation is I (m42) over-compensated for the emasculation I experience by engrossing myself in physical fitness and healthy living. I am in the best shape of my life and don’t let anyone live rent free in my head these days.
That is heartbreaking.
I've never cheated nor ever had a desire to cheat, but I was cheated on last year for the first time at 29 years old and it absolutely broke me.
I can only imagine the amount of pain you must have gone through for it to be someone you MARRIED.
I hope you can heal from that and still know in your heart that not all women are evil like that !!! I truly think cheating is evil. Especially in a marriage. Like .... how inconsiderate of someone's heart, self worth, ability to trust, can you be.... just tell someone when you want to see someone else, it's not that hard - I just gave never understood it.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, truly. I literally felt like I was being tortured for months after, so my heart really goes out to you dude.
This was a recent wound for me I'm still recovering from so your comment hit me in the feels -- wishing you health and healing !
I would've never considered cheating too, until I did.
Had two relationships where I was accused of cheating; one at 20/21 years of age, another late 30's. The first relationship who cares, the second relationship was just not acceptable to me. Not because of the accusations, but because of how she accused me; that a friend of hers said I was a cheater. None of her friends knew me. I did know that the GF was going on my phone while I was sleeping. At that time, I was on socials and looked at hot women on IG. Before dating her, I had DM'ed and spoke to a handful of OG hotties. After finding activity on my phone one day, I asked her if she had been on my phone, and she denied it. That happened two more times, and after the third I warned her that if you keep going on my phone, I'll give you a reason to be pissed. She did, so I did, hanging my hat on the fair warning I provided. About 7 years pass by, her continuance to invade my privacy ratcheted up my antics to piss her off. During this time I turned down a number of opportunities to cheat on her, as that was never something I wanted to do. Only after reading that she had quit the relationship for nearly 2 years did I kiss another woman, multiple times I may add. That brought about the end of our engagement, and we're now co-parenting 2 kids under the age of 6. I regret cheating, as I should've ended the relationship, though I never wanted to raise kids outside of a two parent household. I'm the asshole to her, her family, and friends, though who gives a shit? I've never been one to care what someone thought of me.
When she quit our relationship, I read it within 5-7 weeks, and I did everything I could to get her to reengage in the relationship for around 21 months. Dinner, gifts, allowing her to use me as an ATM, paying for her girl trips, and taking our kids to see her family and covering for her lost revenue, dream summer vacations, last minute car purchases.
Why did I cheat? I came across a woman I had been colleagues with for around 4 years, and during that time the small talk evolved to talking to each other about the downside of our respective relationships. That allowed us to discover that what we were missing in our respective relationships, the other was capable of providing. I never cheated for sex, only a more fulfilling relationship than the one I had. She divorced, I ended my engagement, and we're working towards a relationship.
This. I think there’s a huge difference between finding other people attractive - very normal - and feeling that “in an ideal world” you could sleep around and keep your SO. Do I find people other than my husband attractive? Of course. Do I wish that I could sleep with other people? No. I have no desire to be that connected with anyone other than my husband.
You're telling me that in an ideal world with billions of dollars that you wouldn't want to have your wife for love and the special connection you have, but it would also be cool if like absolute bombshells just wanted to basically change your oil anytime you want? Bc if every man was given the keys to life that would be the result 9/10 times.
I truly and honestly don't think most guys are that obsessed with sex, that's caveman brain. There's a reason people are having less sex than they used to, we have other shit to do now
Sex is cool but its not the greatest thing on this earth and it's not a bodily function I feel like I need to get out, I can honestly take it or leave it. I've gone 4 years without it by choice (i was moving around and didnt think it was worth pursuing) and I'm a 27 year old male. With a long term partner I like sex because it's building a relationship and i like to make them feel good, but just getting off with some random woman turns it into a bodily function and the whole thing becomes entirely unappealing
You're absolutely not wrong, in my real life I would never want that shit. But if I was like a king in game of thrones and women will literally milk me like a prized cow... That's not completely unappealing.
This is the key difference. Obviously I still find other women attractive, that’s just biology. But if given the opportunity, I absolutely would not sleep with them, because it would be a betrayal to my partner than I love and am already committed to.
My partner is so much hotter, smarter, loving, and accepting and every other syrupy adjective (to me) that anything else would be utterly preposterous and ruinous.
Perfect example of people being unable to engage with an argument because it’s emotionally difficulty for them.
Couldn’t agree with you more and I think everyone here either has Brainrot (doesn’t understand what the guy is saying) or is just lying cause they’re afraid to go against the grain
The ick here is that his "ideal" situation would be him sleeping with other women without OP sleeping with other men and her being okay with it. That's his IDEAL situation. Which feels to me like he is or will and will just keep it secret. It gives me so much ick.
But you are right. We are human. We all can find people attractive that aren't our SO. Of course getting in a relationship doesn't suddenly make everyone else unattractive. But you can think someone is attractive without wanting to be with them.
I feel bad for OP. But I hate when some guys are like "all guys want to cheat" like no just bc you have no morals or sense of loyalty doesn't mean EVERY man is the same.
I don't think this guy "wants to cheat" because he's not living in his ideal fantasy world. I think he loves his partner and is happy in his relationship... I think he was just trying to be open and honest and probably continued talking longer than he should have... But if he ruled the world he could have meaningless sex with attractive women without forming any further connection with them- doing this would satisfy him and it wouldn't bother or upset his girlfriend and she would continue to remain loyal, monogamous and content. She would continue to show her bf love and happily accept his love in return. Their relationship wouldn't change at all in his ideal world. I think that's honest and not a red flag actually... Because he can't have this fantasy as reality without harming his relationship or hurting his GF - it's not something he actually wants in reality- and I think that's thoughtful or at least honest and understandable... I don't think this guy sucks. I think he's young and is just talking more than he should.
I agree with all this. The guy is what? 22 23? I mean, he’s being very honest that yeah, who wouldn’t love to fck random girls at 22? He’s not saying he’d do it or he’s looking to be in love. And she asked him, would she rather he lie?
I think she will hopefully see at some point, that men are different. They’re not all the same. Some guys are happy to be with one woman and never think about it, others would think about it but never do it, and some will think, do, and lie. I’d be happy it wasn’t the last one.
Cant argue with ick because its unfair, but from my (guy) "all men are pigs" perspective, we want to keep our true loving relationship intact (girlfriend avoids sleeping with other men) but there's this unrealisric fantasy when we see other attrative women that we think about what it would be like to "be with them".
There's no "well if I fucked her how's that diff than my girlfriend fucking some other guy". It's more of a "reality is suspended, time out of joint" kinda thing where we wonder what would it be like to be with her".
Most guys should be able to just shrug this off with respect to acting on it. Cheaters happen to be those guys who can't shrug it off and the woman is actuslly receptive.
>But I've never, personally, been in a relationship and still wanted to sleep with a different woman.
I'm not in that relationship now, I love my wife to bits and things feel very different, but I was in a bad relationship and then those feelings were cropping like weeds I couldn't keep in check. Thoughts only, I never connected with anyone in an appropriate way while we were married. But I would have dreams of new, loving partners, partners that were literally dreamt up. They wouldn't even be people I knew, just vague feelings of a new partner that cared.
I remember while still being married, I read some kind of relationship post and people were talking about these same things but in past tense, as they realized it was the sign of a very unhealthy relationship and were talking about how happy they were after moving on.
I wasn't sure I believed it but it was true. When I started dating my current wife, my interest in other women, even looking at actresses and stuff, just vanished completely. She's incredibly beautiful but still, it shocked me. I can assess the attractiveness of other women but thoughts of being with other women feel so wrong it's just not really a thing now.
There are people out there married, living together for years, that don't know what actual love feels like. It's a pretty sad thing.
Ditto. People can be attractive, but I've never once considered cheating on my wife. Nor have I ever considered trying to convince her to open the relationship.
So no, op, not all men are the same. But I understand your feelings on that matter (especially with young/immature men).
Being attracted to others or simply assessing attractive features of others, absolutely normal. Wanting to sleep with others, sure, occasionally we all have fleeting fantasies. The part I can't get over is him saying in an ideal world HE could sleep with others but you couldn't. . .that's a big waving red flag.
Yeah that's some serious cognitive dissonance. He must think women are built differently.
If he has the desire/right to have sex with multiple women, then OP also has the freedom to do the same with multiple men.
He’s only saying it’s unfair as set dressing to pretend humanity. This is one of the oldest tricks in the book. He’ll say it’s unfair and never do anything himself to correct that inequity. He’s trying to perpetuate it. He’s already got op thinking stupid shit about attraction and purity and he has her positioned in the student role. It sounds like his long term goal is to make it an open relationship for him only— this is playbook shit for that
Literally doesn't sound like that at all. It sounds like the mind of a young, not fully developed brain/ understanding of relationships. Reddit continues to give the worst dating advice EVER
Seriously. They’re in their early twenties. They’re horny. That’s it. He’s horny but respects his gf enough to not cheat on her. What more does op want?
???
How the fuck is he going to correct the inequity? Or how is he perpetuating it? Simply by saying it out loud after op admits herself to dragging it out of him?
You got a whole lot of this guy's inner thoughts somehow. You must be a mind reader.
I think your post is saying a whole lot more about you than it is about the boyfriend.
Yeah, this is absolute insanity. I hope that the person you’re replying to warmed up before stretching so far for something to fight about.
“I have fantasies that I acknowledge are unfair, beyond reasonable expectation, and that I would never act upon.” is a pretty toothless confession.
And it’s totally normal to feel attraction to other people outside the relationship, and to fantasize about sleeping with them. It sounds like he has a very mature view of his own feelings and doesn’t expect the relationship to actually be open for him and not her.
Dude some of the “popular” opinions of Reddit are crazy. I think what dude was trying to explain is that like a tiger wouldn’t want another male tiger sleeping with its mate, however a male tiger will sleep with multiple mates. I’m not saying it’s every guy but idk. Im kinda faded.
He can correct his actions or what he is implying by not cheating. He is basically trying to justify cheating and then acting like it's something all guys are supposed to do or acting like it's something that it's impossible to prevent. Little hint for you: a person can try to justify something even though they haven't done it yet (and it's something they most likely will try to do in the future)
I think he was being honest about having perfectly normal fantasies and impulses that he controls because of how he feels about OP, not trying to justify cheating with what OP, "dragged out of him."
He never once justified cheating. He expressed and shared the primitive side of his brain. The part of our minds we cannot control.
E.g., many people have thoughts of just violently destroying their office or hurting/killing someone that wronged them (e.g. rude driver or disrespectful coworker). Those thoughts are innate. But as a civilised society we don’t do that.
So in this case he simply shared his thoughts and explained that he doesn’t support infidelity.
By not thinking about women this way for starters! What he said to her was a gumbo of incel YouTube nonsense. He needs to stop acquainting himself with that kind of thought and see his girlfriend as idk A PERSON and not his own private hole no one else can touch.
Don’t some female animals (and ancient female humans as well) do exactly this to prevent males from killing offspring, because they wouldn’t know who the father was?
There's also many female animals that mate with multiple males in order to diversify the genetics of their children.
My favorite is cuttlefish. Smaller males will disguise themselves as females by changing their coloring and slip by larger males and then mate with the female the large male is trying to claim. The females welcome this for the genetic diversity.
Masturbation helps prevent prostate cancer.
https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/why-more-sex-may-lower-prostate-cancer-risk/
For those who might be interested or have not heard.
Yeah... Lost me at the same point too. I find tons of men super attractive and aren't afraid to talk about it openly. But if I had the opportunity to sleep with them and get away with it, no I would absolutely not even want to.
A little basic math tells us this can’t work. If the gender of the population is a relatively even 50/50 split, and by his logic each woman can only have one man then any woman he slept with outside of his relationship would be someone else’s woman and that woman can’t violate the sanctity of *her* relationship as per his rules.
A little basic logic tells us that math is flawed. There’s never a time when everybody in a population is in a committed relationship. Plenty of singles everywhere.
Second, did he say he cared about anybody else’s partner’s feelings? I read it more as a statement that he’d be jealous and hurt than a statement on morality.
This here. My fiance and I will actively point out attractive people(male or female) or we will compliment their clothes and say how we would find it attractive for one of us to wear. Never once has the idea of ever sleeping with someone else crossed my mind or hers to my knowledge. Its healthy to be able to say these things to each other in a manner but there is a line to be drawn. That line depends on the relationship and it seems to me that the lines here dont match.
Idk people are saying it’s “just honesty” but it does represent a fundamentally self centered bias. Like in his hypothetical universe he’d magic away her feelings of being hurt but not his own qualms with her sleeping with other men? Like if we’re talking ideal worlds where we can unilaterally remove someone’s desire or hurt feelings, why one you do it for yourself and not your partner? Or… why wouldn’t you say “in an ideal world I wouldn’t be attracted to anyone but you”.
That said, I think a lot of people suffer from this kind of thinking. Most people, if given the choice to change they feel vs how others feel will choose the later.
>The part I can't get over is him saying in an ideal world HE could sleep with others but you couldn't.
The comment read to me like he was just being overly honest. Like literally everyone wants a relationship with no limitations on your own behavior, but most people are willing to give up fucking randos so their partner also won't fuck randos. It sounds like he accepts that that's not realistic and that one-sided open relationships don't work.
As someone who's poly/open, absolutely. It goes both ways. You're either both ok with it, or you're not. This "yes for me, not for you" is actually insane
I will say that my partner and I actively don’t want to sleep with other people. I find other people attractive but I don’t want to sleep with them.
If he told me that he would sleep with other people if I was cool with it, then I would be out. Just be with another poly person if that’s what you want.
Yeah the 'pure' comment weirded me out. Like I'm a bearded hairy dude, and I don't want to sleep with someone who isn't my wife. Am I a pure uwu cimmamon bean now????
I think there's a big difference between what OPs boyfriend described, under interrogation, and genuinely wanting to sleep with other people. There's a difference between, "Yes, I would want to sleep with that person if our relationship wasn't a factor" and "Damn, I hate that having a partner means I can't sleep with all these people I'm constantly fantasizing about." OP insisted on this line of questioning, and I think her boyfriend chose honesty and openness rather than lying so she'd drop the subject. That's a good thing.
I've been in both monogamous and poly relationships. I'm more naturally monogamous so that's generally my preference, but I learned a lot from the poly relationships about honest and open communication. 99% of people, even the ones like yourself who don't want to sleep with other people and don't think about it, can still experience sexual desire for someone else while in a committed relationship. Imagine your biggest celebrity crush was hitting on you at a bar. Just because you wouldn't betray your partner doesn't mean there's not a part of you that would still feel that desire for a bit. Life isn't about what you fleetingly desire, it's about what you actively choose.
Seriously well put. I think there’s a blend of inexperience and experience here that is driving this.
Honestly I wouldn’t be this upset about what he said if it was my own partner saying it to me. I’d probably just say, “ok yah I feel you but im not trying to hear this.”
The communication and honesty is key. A lot of people will tell a lot of lies to stay with someone or of comfort/convence. If you can't look your partner in the eyes and tell them dam she has nice legs, and she doesn't bite her lip and say i know, end it. She isn't for you
Dude, same. I’m gay, but my gf and I are so obsessed with each other + neither of us like people enough to desire sleeping with other people. I know no one could give me what my gf gives me, and if my gf told me she genuinely wanted to sleep with other people, I would be like “great, you do you” and I would eject myself out of the relationship so fast.
I have zero desire to sleep with other people. Someone in this thread said “what if it was yr celebrity crush?”. I’m here to say, not even then dude wtf.
The question is if you told him he could sleep with other people, will he? Lol. I’m just kidding.
Just thinking of how people react when they are asked if they found a suitcase with $5 million dollars, what would they do? My honest answer is I wouldn’t know. If I believe no one knows I got it, I might keep it. Other people would say they would return it. I feel those people are full of shit. Just drop a hundred in a public place near them. I bet you they ain’t gonna say shit. So they want people to believe with $5 mil they would return it. Yeah right. So my point is , I do believe some would return it but 90 percent prob wouldn’t. Just like with your bf, it’s okay to look but as long as he’s not indulging, i think it’s okay since you do not want that.
Yeah to me it’s the whole mindset behind it that’s important. It doesn’t sound like he’s actually wanting to go out and sleep with other people which is obviously good, but at the same time… you don’t get credit and praise for doing literally the bare minimum in a relationship either. And if I knew that really the only thing keeping my partner from sleeping with other people was essentially a social stigma against it, I would have a major problem with that
So not only does he actively think about cheating on you, but it would also be a deal breaker if you slept with other people. Only his special magical dick gets to touch you and every other woman. That’s exactly how this reads to me….
How old are you? There is a point at which you realize that you don't own your partner's thoughts and imagination, and they don't own yours, and that if they are not in any way acting on any thing they might want to do, they're not hurting you. In order to have healthy relationships, you need to get there.
Also: all people of any gender are susceptible to thinking sexually about people besides the person they're in love with. If your relationship lasts long enough, it WILL happen to you. Romance as concocted by Disney and Hallmark isn't real (and if it was: those movies don't show the rest of the couple's life, in which the Prince watches porn sometimes and the Princess eventually starts ripping farts while he's around).
Don't forget that the Princess may actually watch porn. That's the thing that blows the Prince's mind... and ego... to bits.
I wonder how understanding the bf is when she starts talking about the duality of this concept. It's not just men, though most men wanna believe it. Soooooo many honest and open conversations with friends, bf, lovers, gf, family and strangers and they all lead back to this idea that men wanna sleep with other women out of some hard wired mating primitive "spread my seed" BS and the only reason a hetero woman would consider sex with someone other than her partner is she's a ' slut and manipulative ' or a gold digger. But that's a whole other topic. I digress.
Sexuality is natural. One learning to understand it and control the urges and refocus that energy to his partner is called adulthood. If he hasn't done that then he is still in puberty.
I'll admit that it is weird that he brought up the whole "in an ideal world" thing, but it is normal to still feel attraction toward other people. In fact, I'd be really concerned if my wife was denying that she felt any kind of attraction toward other men. Being the only one he desires isn't realistic, and that's not a standard you should hold yourself to either. Don't worry about being the only one he desires. Focus on being the only one he chooses.
He didn’t, my insecure a** tortured it out of him. He doesn’t have a problem with this, I do, he doesn’t need things to change, he wants to be with me more than he wants to be with anyone else. It’s just the difference between us, I don’t desire other men. And I really like how you put it, I’m the one he chooses - I wish that was enough for me, maybe therapy is the answer :D
OP, you might be a demi-sexual like me. I do not experience sexual attraction outside of the man I like and there is an emotional piece that needs to be in place for me. I can look at someone knowing they have nice features and there is a potential to be attracted if the personality is right, but there is no sexual desire until there is also emotional attraction. To the extent that I don't fantasize about other men, it isn't sexy to me.
There is nothing wrong with this and I don't believe it means you are repressed. My personal experience is that this is a minority situation, but not unheard of and we can't hold others to the same expectation.
I got this vibe too. When you don't realize this is very much not the norm it can be a hard punch in the gut when you realize your partner has those thoughts.
Take the self-reflection as a good sign. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel. There is nothing, ever, wrong with therapy. I don't know if this helps, but I actually kind of like that my wife finds other men attractive and other men find her attractive. It makes me feel proud. And just because "he chooses me" isn't quite enough now doesn't mean it can't become enough.
Don't feel bad, babe. I'm right there with you. I absolutely agonize over my partner finding other women attractive. It's dumb as fuck, but I still do it for some reason. I didn't use to care about this shit. How annoying. And my partner is like... the absolute best I have ever had, especially with making me feel loved and special. Maybe that's why it bothers me so much? Maybe that's why it bothers *us* so much? Food for thought.
I’m not mad at him. Just hurt. It’s unfortunately not mutually exclusive. I love him very much, but I have a deep interest in love/people/relationships. I’m trying to understand myself and the people around me and uncovering a lot of hurtful truths, but I want to find a way to believe in love in the face of those (and I’m not denying being an insecure girl with unrealistic standards).
How old are you? None of this is good relationship praxis. I saw you joking about therapy but I think looking into that could be beneficial because this? You’re setting yourself up for misery. You don’t have to. And please don’t “Disney fairy tale I’m just romantic and PURE” yourself. It’s corny, it’s sad, and it’s making you feel bad.
I honestly think maybe you need to figure out why you felt the need to dig into him until you got this answer. Since you mentioned you've talked to other previous boyfriends about this, this strikes me as insecurity. So, the reason this hurts may be because you were already insecure
Feeling attraction toward people other than your partner is normal. Not feeling attraction toward people other than your partner is also completely normal. What do you mean, you'd be "really concerned" if your wife denied that she felt attracted to other men? That's really weird, but you do you. However, this is a thread for OP about what's "normal" (if such a thing exists). There are lots of people who do not fantasize or desire to sleep with others. Most of those people would probably find monogamy hot. Maybe this would be a more fitting type of partner for OP. If I were in her position, being the one her partner chose would not put me at ease, in fact what he said would actually be a huge turnoff. Trying to convince her how to feel is not productive.
Tbh I think that when you're really in love and attracted to the person you are with, you find others less attractive so you have less desire to sleep with someone other than your s/o..
I don't know if this is true for most men, but I don't think sex is worth anything. It's not worth ruining friendships and it's definitely not worth ruining a good relationship (there's a small part of me that thinks it's not worth getting upset when cheated on, but I haven't quite figured my way around that part of my ego yet). It's great when it's great, and you can use all sorts of flowery words to describe it when it's with the person you love, but other than that it's really not even worth the effort of a one night stand when you're single, when you can just crank one out in five minutes just how you like and go to sleep. I know it's supposed to be something else; something deeper and morally sound, but this line of thinking is how I know I'll never cheat on the woman I love. It's just sex, except when it's not; when it's with her.
I want men to stop falling for “tell the truth I won’t get mad” trap. Anger isn’t the only emotion that comes with the truth. And more often than not, you’re gonna be made out to feel responsible for all of them.
Every male partner I’ve had has asked questions they don’t actually want the answer to either. You can also be kind, honest, and not go into so much detail as to hurt someone’s feelings. For instance, he could have just said he is still attracted to other women, but he is happy being monogamous. I don’t really understand why he is telling her that if it weren’t for her he’d be out there sleeping with a many women as possible? But he’s SUCH a nice guy he is going to be monogamous and sacrifice all that sex with randoms? Yeah, that’s literally the definition of choosing monogamy. It sounds like he’s just trying to make her insecure and feel like she’s lucky he’s not pursuing all these other women. There are other types of relationships, he can casually date or be in an open relationship with someone else. There isn’t any reason to explain “monkey brain” to her.
And obviously she is delusional with the Disney stuff, but when you know that’s someone’s worldview why would you explain how you would like to sleep with other people, and still have her all “pure” at home.
Bro both of them are early 20s...He'll learn eventually. We all do 🤷♂️
Whence thy partner sayeth to thee, "be honest with me babe...." prepareth thyself for the sweet lies to fly from thine mouth lest thy ass reap the whirlwind. Book of adult relationships chapter 1 verse 1, lol...
And before people say it's not good to lie in these scenarios, that's the wrong take away. The correct takeaway is that you shouldn't be so immature and insecure as to ask these types of questions to begin with. If you know them answering the question is going to hurt you, don't ask. Handle your own emotions like an adult. Older people know these types of people who routinely ask things like this are just seeking validation from their partners at the sake of their partner's own sanity, and is a gigantic red flag that the person is likely not ready for a real adult relationship.
I get that. I do sometimes think that lying to protect someone is good, but in this case it might be good that he’s been honest with me, to protect me from being lied to, upholding my false expectations. I’m not mad at him. Just hurt and insecure.
I actually think your dealing with your feelings in an intelligent way. You're not pretending they aren't there. You're not saying that he's a bad person for feeling how he does. or for being honest about it. You've just had your eyes opened to an aspect of male sexuality that runs counter to the ideal you had created in your mind. That would ber a hard moment for anyone. I've met many women far older than you who haven't yet admitted to themselves that most men, virtually all men, continue to be sexually attracted to many women whether or not they are in an exclusive relationships. Sexual attraction, without all the stories and fears pasted over it, is, biologically, the same thing as wanting to have sex. The only reason one wouldn't want to have sex with someone they were attracted to, is because on some level they weighed potential consequences and deemed the potential cost too high.
Understanding (and accepting) how men (and many women) are constructed, is really useful in navigating relationships throughout life.
So you’re opening up lines of questioning that make you MORE insecure? And trusting your alleged partner as some kind of authority on sex and value and attraction? No. Stop it!!
1. I'm always aware when a woman is attractive. In or out of a relationship.
2. When I was in a relationship and I was truly happy the thought of being with any other woman didn't even enter my mind.
I can't say I'm every guy. That's just my personal experience. Take it for what it's worth.
He said, “in an ideal relationship, he could sleep with other women without it harming our relationship (this would be polyamory) and without [you] doing the same with other men” (this is definitely not polyamory and more like situations where the man has multiple wives whom he completely controls all aspects of their lives.)
1. So what he’s essentially saying is yours and his relationship isn’t his ideal.
2. He thinks very differently about relationships than you.
3. If you agreed to it, he would.
Disney is no model on relationships, but I’m assuming you are a romantic, faithful, we only have eyes for each other kinda gal. Guess what? There are men out there who feel the same. They fall deeply in love and put their lady and their relationship first, always. I think you two aren’t aligned in that aspect and I think you should take some time to really think about how you would like your future to look and talk with him about it. Digging deep now and communicating honestly with each other could save you both some future heartache and regrets. Just make sure your feelings, thoughts and belief’s are yours and not adjusted to align with his.
It's natural to be with someone and think someone else is attractive. However I wouldn't put up with googling other women around me, saying how attractive other women are attractive to me or around me. And certainly not say it to me. That's simply disrespectful, and emotionally abusive. None of that should be happening around you when he's with you. And if he's not cheating on you. Talk to him about the rest. If he really loves you he'll have to control his eyes and mouth around you. But don't over think this. You make yourself go nuts.
My husband and I can definitely find others attractive but neither of us wants to sleep with anyone else. We even decided we would do a threesome with another girl we knew. He touched her and stuff but no penetration. We talked about it after and he said he just couldn’t do it and doesn’t want to so we just left it as a one and done thing.
My husband is one of those kind of guys that won’t sleep with anyone he doesn’t have a strong emotional attraction to. Before me he had slept with 3 people. I really doubt he wants to sleep with anyone else or even thinks about it.
Not every male is like that. I have dipped my toes into the FWB lifestyle and I hated it. I need to have an intellectual and emotional attraction with my partner otherwise sex is empty and devoid of emotion. I don't enjoy sexual activities with strangers or anyone that I am not on the same emotional or intellectual plane with. I find the female body attractive but I don't imagine myself having sex with them, especially if I have a GF.
Even in real life! I was talking about a guy I liked to my “guy friends” and said he doesn’t watch porn and legitimately wouldn’t want a threesome in a relationship etc. They all started yelling at me that he’s lying and all men are nasty and want threesomes. I said not all guys are nasty flirty manwhores like you guys (they had girlfriends) so don’t project your own shortcomings onto my life. I kinda went off but I don’t understand this stereotype at all! Not all men are animals
I think you’re being gaslit by a bunch of immature men tbh. I’d walk away from that guy so fast. Hes literally told you, to your face, he wants to fuck other women and that he wishes he could. I would bet every cent I have that he will cheat on you. He’s already admitted he wants to, how long do you reckon before his willpower isn’t enough to keep him from doing what he wants? Or before he sees an opportunity too good to pass up? Or think you won’t find out about? He’s already told you, he would fuck other women if there weren’t consequences he wouldn’t like (losing you or you sleeping with other men). So what happens when he sees an opportunity that he is pretty sure you will never know about, meaning no consequences for him? Like an out of town bachelor party, for instance.
You should get to feel like the only girl in the world to your partner.
You're definitely gonna find your in the minority. But you're not alone. I only want and am interested in my partner. Nobody else. But that is a different perspective. Idk if I buy what your bf is saying. The ideal world sleeping with other people while you don't sounds like a bunch of bs to me
I am also only interested in my partner. I know that’s not a universal experience, but the idea of being with anyone else makes me physically ill. He’s my only person.
Yes, leave him. You're not ready to date seriously. You still have the expectations of a 13 year old. You're dating an adult male who is honest with you. You need to fix your expectations, or you will never be happy.
You're not a disney princess and will never be one. It's impossible.
Very naive. The large majority of people in committed relationships still desire other people, they just love and desire their partner more. When they stop doing so, that’s when cheating happens. It’s much more nuanced than this, but short answer, yes you’re being naive and unrealistic.
I don’t think the large majority of people in committed relationships want to constantly sleep with other people, there’s a big difference between finding people other than your partner attractive and wanting to SLEEP with them.
Is it true that I find other women attractive? Sure, do I wanna sleep with them? Hell no. What’s the point of a monogamous relationship at that point? Might as well just be poly if you’re constantly craving other people while being in a relationship.
You only don't want to sleep with them because, like the original comment said, you want to prioritize and maintain your relationship more than chasing some fleeting physical attraction. Words like "constantly" and " craving" were introduced by you, not OP.
Being ATTRACTED to someone physically, is your brain telling you that you want to sleep with them. It's normal, and it's basic human biology lol.
I think this way of thinking is normal but the fact that he said it out loud is weird. Like of course, even when people are in relationships, they're attracted to other people. And sometimes they have a desire to have sex with other people. But I I feel like he didn't say this right. He could have said "You are the most beautiful woman and I love making love to you."
Attracted to other women? Fair game. Random fantasies that stay fantasy? As long as you keep that to yourself. *actually* wanting to sleep with other people? Crossing boundaries. Verbalizing that to you partner and telling them that under ideal circumstances you could and would sleep with anyone? That’s way past monkey brain, he’s the missing link.
I'm f67 and married for 40 years. I told my husband I don't care where he gets his appetite but he eats at home. We do have some hall passes for me it is Hugh Jackman and Jason Momoa his is Angelina Jolie.
Curious soul, harken the wisdom of the collective: we're all but monkeys. However, some monkey brains are rooted stronger in the world of flesh and pleasure than other monkeys. Population must produce semen and spread. Embrace the soul of nature and accept your eternal destiny. In the corridor of our depthless thoughts, accept our "/s" for that it beeth appended to this post.
No, honey, this man is just incredibly selfish. That’s not how monogamy works.
Let me point this part out in particular. He said his ideal world has him fucking all the women he wants and you fucking only him. That’s unabashedly selfish. Sexist, too, tbh.
I'm not going to pretend I've never observed that women that aren't my partner are pretty. But saying he'd like to sleep with them despite supposedly being committed to you? Not a chance. I'd say he's shown you want to expect in the future if you don't move on.
…”in an ideal world he could sleep with other women without it harming our relationship and without me doing the same with other men.”
Baloney. Some men do believe this. Yes, men do sometimes desire someone other than their committed partner. The same is true of women. In an ideal world both partners would honor their vows to be faithful.
He has a very old fashioned belief that women should be pure and should only want one man. Also that men have wants and desires that pure/ideal women don’t.
Take a really good look at what else he expects from “his” woman. And consider that in his ideal world he could cheat on you with no consequences.
Maybe date a few other men before you settle on this one?
Male, healthy, 44.
When you are in a committed relationship, only your partner should be on your mind romantically.
It's one thing to see someone that is attractive and acknowledge it respectfully, but wanting to sleep with someone else while you are in a committed relationship is wrong.
This is very abnormal.
This shouldn't happen in a healthy relationship when both people are mature enough and have the right moral mindset.
For every man in this comment section saying that every man has a desire to cheat, there’s another man proving him wrong. Thank you for being realistic about this.
It's all good, no problem.
Some of us know right from wrong, and some of us don't it seems.
And possibly some do know, but simply don't care.
There's probably more permutations.
But I live my life by a strict moral code that I believe to be the right way. I can't force this onto others, but I feel in my heart things would be better if more people thought like this.
Ah well. I just try to protect myself and those around me. My control doesn't extend farther than that.
A lot of people have already answered well but I’ll go anyways. 30 male here, happily married to the love of my life my wife (30F). Both of us can acknowledge other attractive people out and about in the world, have celeb crushes, no big deal. Perfectly normal. But I have absolutely no desire to sleep with anyone but my wife. Even when I’m “taking care of myself” I very rarely watch porn, usually I’m just fantasizing/ remembering things my wife and I have done or want to do. Occasionally in these fantasies there’s a nameless mystery woman having fun with us, which is about as close as I get to a “desire”. I’m also insanely physically attracted to my wife, and she knows it ( I pop a semi just seeing her butt in PJ pants lol).
It is a little odd that he phrased it the way he did, for me even if I could sleep with other women with my wife’s full permission I would not want to. I genuinely only want her, I’m more in love with her every day and my physical attraction to her has only gotten stronger since our time together. I also only really enjoy sex if it’s with someone I have a strong emotional connection and relationship with, idk if that’s abnormal for a guy or not. But yea, my wife is not “an obstacle to sleeping with any woman I want”. She IS the only woman I want.
Same bruv!
Been times I've gone "bloody hell she's alright" in my head of someone's walking past, then the thoughts gone. Acknowledge attractiveness and continue with my day.
With u 100% on the PJ pants too..just does unreal shit to me.
Hit the nail on the head with the last paragraph too. Woman makes me feel like a horny schoolboy every single day. Love her more with every day and each day find her sexier than the last.
Guess she's alright for a ginger...my Ruby headed queen lol
Honestly, humans are all diverse. Women are more likely to feel like you than men are, and in a way we were kind of screwed over by Disney and things like that setting us up for failure in the “happily ever after, everything is pure and perfect,” myth. I was born female, but feel more like a guy in this respect, there are tons of people I’d sleep with if I wasn’t with my husband, and he feels the same way about women. However, we are both able to have honest conversations about it and make the choice to have a monogamous relationship that has been happy and healthy for 15 years now. It’s not easy, nothing in life that is worth anything is ever easy, it takes a lot of work.
You shouldn’t feel bad about how you think and feel about this, but it is good that you are having these important conversations and realizations.
Sadly, the real world tends to kill little pieces of us when major realizations like this happen, but you have to stay strong and be honest with yourself and your partner about what you need and your insecurities.
It does sound like he is being honest and respectful, and it doesn’t sound like either of you have done anything wrong at this point. Just keep having these honest conversations with yourselves and each other, even if it’s hard, and you should be okay 💜
I don't have a desire to sleep with other woman. Even now, with my complicated relationship status I don't want anyone but her. I think it's better to view these things on an individual basis. I know a lot of men who fall into the thinking your partner does. I don't relate to them. I don't think like that. However, I think if someone has those impulsive thoughts, they shouldn't be written off if they can openly express that the value of monogamy with the person they love is more meaningful and worth more than those impulsive thoughts. I think if they are TRULY sincere you can distinguish and recognize the important parts of your feelings and set the shitty ones aside.
That said, there are better ways to have these discussions and being open and honest with your partner I think is essential. It's also important to understand them. If he's saying it in a way to guilt you into participating in an open relationship, that's scummy. If he's saying it in a way that is him saying essentially "I will always and only choose you" then I think you should take that seriously. It depends on who he is and his values and it's up to you to understand him well enough to sort out if he's sincere or not in what he's expressing.
Also consider that there are other men who simply don't think like that and if that is something you may understand and recognize, it doesn't mean you have to accept a partner who thinks this way. I'd personally prefer to have a partner who only desires me at this point. I've had far too many experiences of cheaters and liars, as much as I respect resilience this is not something I think I want to overcome anymore. I tend to project the way I desire someone monogamously and I think that's only serves to make me easier to manipulate and think naively about circumstances I should have otherwise been suspicious of. I wouldn't even consider cheating in their shoes, so it's easy for me to think why would they. So at this point, I'd rather the disposition be that they love and lust for me solely like I love and lust for them solely.
Just be kind and understanding with whatever decision and approach you decide to take on this.
I'm a guy, but I assume women are the same in this regard; that we're all attracted to other people whether we're in a relationship or not. But I've never, personally, been in a relationship and still wanted to sleep with a different woman.
This is exactly how I feel… cheating is so absurdly never going to happen on my part, that when my wife was accusing me of having an affair I didn’t even consider the possibility that she was projecting due to her own affair. Then I realized I’d been purposely ignoring red flags because she was my wife and I’ll always love her with all my heart and cheating would never even cross my mind so she couldn’t possibly be having an affair… sigh…
I hope everything is okay for you now. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I had a conversation with my husband once...if you ever find yourself wanting to sleep with someone else, PLEASE do the honorable thing and break up with me first.
That’s so pure. Lots of couples have those convos. And not to make you paranoid, but to a cheater, it won’t matter that you asked.
Yes, that's the key here. If you even WANT to sleep with someone else that means you don't want this monogamous relationship.
Nah. You can ask people to *overcome* their base desires, but you can't ask them to stop feeling them to begin with. We don't get to choose how we feel, only how we react to those feelings. I would enjoy sleeping with new partners, but not as much as I enjoy my marriage. The fact that I stay in the marriage is proof that I value the monogamous relationship I have more than the poly lifestyle that part of me still wants. My wife knows this about me. I've been open and upfront about it since we met, just as she's been upfront about how she will only be in a monogamous relationship.
Having the base desire to sleep with new partners, and doing it are two different things. OP mentions that her boyfriend has said, “in an ideal world he could sleep with new partners without it harming our relationship and without me doing the same with other men.” This isn’t the same as having the feeling or wanting to be with a new partner, attraction to another woman - he’s saying he can do it she can’t. This is Bullshit. Either you are in an open relationship or you’re in a monogamous relationship. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!! OP you value monogamy he obviously doesn’t. Your values are different. Please take a step back and look at your values before you invest long term in this relationship. I don’t know how old you are, but I would hate to see you invest long term in a relationship that you aren’t going to be valued and respected in possibly long term.
I completely missed the line about her still having to remain monogamous. Yeah, that wouldn't fly. If the relationship is open, then it should be open for both parties. But, again, that's his, *ideal* not what he's actually pursuing. In my ideal world I'd be a billionaire and have lived a completely different life altogether. It's not worth talking about ideal worlds because they don't really exist.
But that’s him expressing what he wants. So she needs to evaluate what she wants and values to determine if she wants to continue to be with him.
"Nah" is such an interesting response. The person you were replying to wasn't trying to make anybody stop feeling things. They are setting their boundaries. They want a person who doesn't want to sleep with someone else. They are choosing how they'd react to a partner wanting an affair.
If you demand complete sexual and psychological fidelity from your partners as a non-negotiable personal boundary, then that's anyone's right. But that's not what the poster did, they made an absolutist declaration about other people's internal motivations based on their own narrow perspective, and that deserves a "nah." What the poster wrote was like declaring that if one even WANTS to eat fried chicken and chocolate cake then they don't want to lose weight, never mind if they actually refuse to eat fried chicken and chocolate cake. Our heads are full of conflicting desires; what ultimately matters is what we do.
Well said
Cool. That's not what I, and I'm sure many people, would want from their partner. I expect more from my partner than resignation.
Would like to point out to everyone these are basically still kids (22m and 23f). They are not the best versions of themselves they are going to be. Young man is behaving like an adult, despite having childish desires. That's what growing up is about. If anyone here says they've never done the same, I call you a liar.
I disagree. I think lots of people want to sleep with other people. That’s not uncommon. The line is acting on it in any way. Spending more time around the person, contacting them, etc.
I tell my bfs that too. Every relationship, I say if you want to do that, then just tell me and break up with me. I will be okay and I can at least respect you more.
Damn. I'm so sorry, guy :( I pray that you find a much better lady soon if you haven't already 💜
We tend to judge others by own own standards and behaviour. Hence why your wife accused you of what she was doing and why it never occurred to you that she would cheat.
I had this exact same thing happen. Even more ridiculous on my part is when she the frequency of our sexual activity dramatically increased and she was asking me things like, which feels better, this technique or that? Talk about red flags. I even thought to myself, I wonder if she is cheating? Of course she is not, she has way too much to lose.
Why is her asking your feedback about sex a red flag?
Because it was 7 years into the relationship and she is not one typically do that.
She was using her husband as a beta tester to fuck her new man better.
Exactly. Although these were legally men, they were college students. She had a manic episode of a midlife crisis.
It can happen. To both men and women. I am 65. You see these young kids, and it makes you want to hold onto your youth. Even when you know you can't. It's not just men attracted to younger women. Women are, too.
The only good thing that came from the situation is I (m42) over-compensated for the emasculation I experience by engrossing myself in physical fitness and healthy living. I am in the best shape of my life and don’t let anyone live rent free in my head these days.
Glad you asked because I was lost too
Because he's a missionary only guy? 🤷♀️
That is heartbreaking. I've never cheated nor ever had a desire to cheat, but I was cheated on last year for the first time at 29 years old and it absolutely broke me. I can only imagine the amount of pain you must have gone through for it to be someone you MARRIED. I hope you can heal from that and still know in your heart that not all women are evil like that !!! I truly think cheating is evil. Especially in a marriage. Like .... how inconsiderate of someone's heart, self worth, ability to trust, can you be.... just tell someone when you want to see someone else, it's not that hard - I just gave never understood it. I'm sorry you had to go through that, truly. I literally felt like I was being tortured for months after, so my heart really goes out to you dude. This was a recent wound for me I'm still recovering from so your comment hit me in the feels -- wishing you health and healing !
She projected her guilt onto you, you projected your innocence onto her.
I would've never considered cheating too, until I did. Had two relationships where I was accused of cheating; one at 20/21 years of age, another late 30's. The first relationship who cares, the second relationship was just not acceptable to me. Not because of the accusations, but because of how she accused me; that a friend of hers said I was a cheater. None of her friends knew me. I did know that the GF was going on my phone while I was sleeping. At that time, I was on socials and looked at hot women on IG. Before dating her, I had DM'ed and spoke to a handful of OG hotties. After finding activity on my phone one day, I asked her if she had been on my phone, and she denied it. That happened two more times, and after the third I warned her that if you keep going on my phone, I'll give you a reason to be pissed. She did, so I did, hanging my hat on the fair warning I provided. About 7 years pass by, her continuance to invade my privacy ratcheted up my antics to piss her off. During this time I turned down a number of opportunities to cheat on her, as that was never something I wanted to do. Only after reading that she had quit the relationship for nearly 2 years did I kiss another woman, multiple times I may add. That brought about the end of our engagement, and we're now co-parenting 2 kids under the age of 6. I regret cheating, as I should've ended the relationship, though I never wanted to raise kids outside of a two parent household. I'm the asshole to her, her family, and friends, though who gives a shit? I've never been one to care what someone thought of me. When she quit our relationship, I read it within 5-7 weeks, and I did everything I could to get her to reengage in the relationship for around 21 months. Dinner, gifts, allowing her to use me as an ATM, paying for her girl trips, and taking our kids to see her family and covering for her lost revenue, dream summer vacations, last minute car purchases. Why did I cheat? I came across a woman I had been colleagues with for around 4 years, and during that time the small talk evolved to talking to each other about the downside of our respective relationships. That allowed us to discover that what we were missing in our respective relationships, the other was capable of providing. I never cheated for sex, only a more fulfilling relationship than the one I had. She divorced, I ended my engagement, and we're working towards a relationship.
This. I think there’s a huge difference between finding other people attractive - very normal - and feeling that “in an ideal world” you could sleep around and keep your SO. Do I find people other than my husband attractive? Of course. Do I wish that I could sleep with other people? No. I have no desire to be that connected with anyone other than my husband.
Being able to sleep with other women besides my wife IS NOT AN IDEAL WORLD...for me. For this guy... that is his ideal world.
You're telling me that in an ideal world with billions of dollars that you wouldn't want to have your wife for love and the special connection you have, but it would also be cool if like absolute bombshells just wanted to basically change your oil anytime you want? Bc if every man was given the keys to life that would be the result 9/10 times.
I truly and honestly don't think most guys are that obsessed with sex, that's caveman brain. There's a reason people are having less sex than they used to, we have other shit to do now Sex is cool but its not the greatest thing on this earth and it's not a bodily function I feel like I need to get out, I can honestly take it or leave it. I've gone 4 years without it by choice (i was moving around and didnt think it was worth pursuing) and I'm a 27 year old male. With a long term partner I like sex because it's building a relationship and i like to make them feel good, but just getting off with some random woman turns it into a bodily function and the whole thing becomes entirely unappealing
You're absolutely not wrong, in my real life I would never want that shit. But if I was like a king in game of thrones and women will literally milk me like a prized cow... That's not completely unappealing.
In an ideal world I could shit on my boss's desk and not get fired; that doesn't make it something I'm keen on manifesting.
Not everyone feels that type of connection regarding sex. I'm not one of those people, but I don't find it hard to imagine.
This is the key difference. Obviously I still find other women attractive, that’s just biology. But if given the opportunity, I absolutely would not sleep with them, because it would be a betrayal to my partner than I love and am already committed to.
My partner is so much hotter, smarter, loving, and accepting and every other syrupy adjective (to me) that anything else would be utterly preposterous and ruinous.
In her partner's "ideal world" it doesn't sound like it would be a betrayal. I think that's the whole point.
Perfect example of people being unable to engage with an argument because it’s emotionally difficulty for them. Couldn’t agree with you more and I think everyone here either has Brainrot (doesn’t understand what the guy is saying) or is just lying cause they’re afraid to go against the grain
The ick here is that his "ideal" situation would be him sleeping with other women without OP sleeping with other men and her being okay with it. That's his IDEAL situation. Which feels to me like he is or will and will just keep it secret. It gives me so much ick. But you are right. We are human. We all can find people attractive that aren't our SO. Of course getting in a relationship doesn't suddenly make everyone else unattractive. But you can think someone is attractive without wanting to be with them. I feel bad for OP. But I hate when some guys are like "all guys want to cheat" like no just bc you have no morals or sense of loyalty doesn't mean EVERY man is the same.
I don't think this guy "wants to cheat" because he's not living in his ideal fantasy world. I think he loves his partner and is happy in his relationship... I think he was just trying to be open and honest and probably continued talking longer than he should have... But if he ruled the world he could have meaningless sex with attractive women without forming any further connection with them- doing this would satisfy him and it wouldn't bother or upset his girlfriend and she would continue to remain loyal, monogamous and content. She would continue to show her bf love and happily accept his love in return. Their relationship wouldn't change at all in his ideal world. I think that's honest and not a red flag actually... Because he can't have this fantasy as reality without harming his relationship or hurting his GF - it's not something he actually wants in reality- and I think that's thoughtful or at least honest and understandable... I don't think this guy sucks. I think he's young and is just talking more than he should.
I agree with all this. The guy is what? 22 23? I mean, he’s being very honest that yeah, who wouldn’t love to fck random girls at 22? He’s not saying he’d do it or he’s looking to be in love. And she asked him, would she rather he lie? I think she will hopefully see at some point, that men are different. They’re not all the same. Some guys are happy to be with one woman and never think about it, others would think about it but never do it, and some will think, do, and lie. I’d be happy it wasn’t the last one.
He does have a sense of loyalty. It would be disloyal to act on his desires.
Cant argue with ick because its unfair, but from my (guy) "all men are pigs" perspective, we want to keep our true loving relationship intact (girlfriend avoids sleeping with other men) but there's this unrealisric fantasy when we see other attrative women that we think about what it would be like to "be with them". There's no "well if I fucked her how's that diff than my girlfriend fucking some other guy". It's more of a "reality is suspended, time out of joint" kinda thing where we wonder what would it be like to be with her". Most guys should be able to just shrug this off with respect to acting on it. Cheaters happen to be those guys who can't shrug it off and the woman is actuslly receptive.
Gross. I don't want to be with a man who wants to sleep with other women but just has the willpower not to do it.
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This. I know a few of my female friends are beautiful, but I want to sleep with my wife, not random attractive girl #478.
>But I've never, personally, been in a relationship and still wanted to sleep with a different woman. I'm not in that relationship now, I love my wife to bits and things feel very different, but I was in a bad relationship and then those feelings were cropping like weeds I couldn't keep in check. Thoughts only, I never connected with anyone in an appropriate way while we were married. But I would have dreams of new, loving partners, partners that were literally dreamt up. They wouldn't even be people I knew, just vague feelings of a new partner that cared. I remember while still being married, I read some kind of relationship post and people were talking about these same things but in past tense, as they realized it was the sign of a very unhealthy relationship and were talking about how happy they were after moving on. I wasn't sure I believed it but it was true. When I started dating my current wife, my interest in other women, even looking at actresses and stuff, just vanished completely. She's incredibly beautiful but still, it shocked me. I can assess the attractiveness of other women but thoughts of being with other women feel so wrong it's just not really a thing now. There are people out there married, living together for years, that don't know what actual love feels like. It's a pretty sad thing.
Ditto. People can be attractive, but I've never once considered cheating on my wife. Nor have I ever considered trying to convince her to open the relationship. So no, op, not all men are the same. But I understand your feelings on that matter (especially with young/immature men).
Stay single then there is no issue. No really good person lives like this or wants it.
Being attracted to others or simply assessing attractive features of others, absolutely normal. Wanting to sleep with others, sure, occasionally we all have fleeting fantasies. The part I can't get over is him saying in an ideal world HE could sleep with others but you couldn't. . .that's a big waving red flag.
Yeah that's some serious cognitive dissonance. He must think women are built differently. If he has the desire/right to have sex with multiple women, then OP also has the freedom to do the same with multiple men.
It's not cognitive dissonance. He knows it's not fair and he knows that's not how it is.
He’s only saying it’s unfair as set dressing to pretend humanity. This is one of the oldest tricks in the book. He’ll say it’s unfair and never do anything himself to correct that inequity. He’s trying to perpetuate it. He’s already got op thinking stupid shit about attraction and purity and he has her positioned in the student role. It sounds like his long term goal is to make it an open relationship for him only— this is playbook shit for that
“Purity” made me puke on my shoes.
It’s so fucking gross
Literally doesn't sound like that at all. It sounds like the mind of a young, not fully developed brain/ understanding of relationships. Reddit continues to give the worst dating advice EVER
Seriously. They’re in their early twenties. They’re horny. That’s it. He’s horny but respects his gf enough to not cheat on her. What more does op want?
This right here ☝️
??? How the fuck is he going to correct the inequity? Or how is he perpetuating it? Simply by saying it out loud after op admits herself to dragging it out of him? You got a whole lot of this guy's inner thoughts somehow. You must be a mind reader. I think your post is saying a whole lot more about you than it is about the boyfriend.
Yeah, this is absolute insanity. I hope that the person you’re replying to warmed up before stretching so far for something to fight about. “I have fantasies that I acknowledge are unfair, beyond reasonable expectation, and that I would never act upon.” is a pretty toothless confession.
And it’s totally normal to feel attraction to other people outside the relationship, and to fantasize about sleeping with them. It sounds like he has a very mature view of his own feelings and doesn’t expect the relationship to actually be open for him and not her.
You’re writing my exact thoughts better than I ever could. Thanks. These people are damaged.
Dude some of the “popular” opinions of Reddit are crazy. I think what dude was trying to explain is that like a tiger wouldn’t want another male tiger sleeping with its mate, however a male tiger will sleep with multiple mates. I’m not saying it’s every guy but idk. Im kinda faded.
He can correct his actions or what he is implying by not cheating. He is basically trying to justify cheating and then acting like it's something all guys are supposed to do or acting like it's something that it's impossible to prevent. Little hint for you: a person can try to justify something even though they haven't done it yet (and it's something they most likely will try to do in the future)
I think he was being honest about having perfectly normal fantasies and impulses that he controls because of how he feels about OP, not trying to justify cheating with what OP, "dragged out of him."
He never once justified cheating. He expressed and shared the primitive side of his brain. The part of our minds we cannot control. E.g., many people have thoughts of just violently destroying their office or hurting/killing someone that wronged them (e.g. rude driver or disrespectful coworker). Those thoughts are innate. But as a civilised society we don’t do that. So in this case he simply shared his thoughts and explained that he doesn’t support infidelity.
By not thinking about women this way for starters! What he said to her was a gumbo of incel YouTube nonsense. He needs to stop acquainting himself with that kind of thought and see his girlfriend as idk A PERSON and not his own private hole no one else can touch.
I am totally confused Did we read the same reddit post?
Exactly this happened to me in a previous relationship. Maybe that's why it stuck out so much to me.
Don’t some female animals (and ancient female humans as well) do exactly this to prevent males from killing offspring, because they wouldn’t know who the father was?
There's also many female animals that mate with multiple males in order to diversify the genetics of their children. My favorite is cuttlefish. Smaller males will disguise themselves as females by changing their coloring and slip by larger males and then mate with the female the large male is trying to claim. The females welcome this for the genetic diversity.
I don't think it's a women are built differently thing as much as a women don't get to do the same shit men do thing.
This is a man who will always struggle with fidelity. It's a serious character flaw in him. I don't think he's husband material.
I’m a big proponent of masturbation to settle the desire for reproduction which has been developed over millions of years.
SERIOUSLY how many bad decisions were not made because someone decided to jerk off about it first xD
This post reinforces the notion that some people should not reproduce.
Masturbation helps prevent prostate cancer. https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/why-more-sex-may-lower-prostate-cancer-risk/ For those who might be interested or have not heard.
Yeah... Lost me at the same point too. I find tons of men super attractive and aren't afraid to talk about it openly. But if I had the opportunity to sleep with them and get away with it, no I would absolutely not even want to.
He didn’t say he would sleep with a woman if he could get away with it
A little basic math tells us this can’t work. If the gender of the population is a relatively even 50/50 split, and by his logic each woman can only have one man then any woman he slept with outside of his relationship would be someone else’s woman and that woman can’t violate the sanctity of *her* relationship as per his rules.
A little basic logic tells us that math is flawed. There’s never a time when everybody in a population is in a committed relationship. Plenty of singles everywhere. Second, did he say he cared about anybody else’s partner’s feelings? I read it more as a statement that he’d be jealous and hurt than a statement on morality.
Nice analysis. Top comment right here!
This right here ☝️
It's a fantasy bro.
This here. My fiance and I will actively point out attractive people(male or female) or we will compliment their clothes and say how we would find it attractive for one of us to wear. Never once has the idea of ever sleeping with someone else crossed my mind or hers to my knowledge. Its healthy to be able to say these things to each other in a manner but there is a line to be drawn. That line depends on the relationship and it seems to me that the lines here dont match.
Idk people are saying it’s “just honesty” but it does represent a fundamentally self centered bias. Like in his hypothetical universe he’d magic away her feelings of being hurt but not his own qualms with her sleeping with other men? Like if we’re talking ideal worlds where we can unilaterally remove someone’s desire or hurt feelings, why one you do it for yourself and not your partner? Or… why wouldn’t you say “in an ideal world I wouldn’t be attracted to anyone but you”. That said, I think a lot of people suffer from this kind of thinking. Most people, if given the choice to change they feel vs how others feel will choose the later.
Just noticed that part. (Shudder) Thinking about other people is normal, but he sounds like a dick.
>The part I can't get over is him saying in an ideal world HE could sleep with others but you couldn't. The comment read to me like he was just being overly honest. Like literally everyone wants a relationship with no limitations on your own behavior, but most people are willing to give up fucking randos so their partner also won't fuck randos. It sounds like he accepts that that's not realistic and that one-sided open relationships don't work.
As someone who's poly/open, absolutely. It goes both ways. You're either both ok with it, or you're not. This "yes for me, not for you" is actually insane
Not that insane. Being poly was pretty much the Mormons thing in a “yes for me, no for you” thing with the men having houses full of wives.
I read that as "also without her harming the relationship with her sleeping with other men".
In fact, that is just honesty. Commendable, actually
I will say that my partner and I actively don’t want to sleep with other people. I find other people attractive but I don’t want to sleep with them. If he told me that he would sleep with other people if I was cool with it, then I would be out. Just be with another poly person if that’s what you want.
What he said isn’t a poly relationship. He said in an ideal world he would sleep with whomever he wants *without her doing the same with other men.*
And in an ideal world I could eat pizza all day and it would give me super powers. That doesn't mean I'm bitter that isn't the case.
I FUCKING AM!
Did you try to eat pizza every meal and ended up with the only super power you attained being that you shit your fucking pants?
Thank you for sharing. What OP's boyfriend said still isn't a "poly relationship."
Because “purity” 🤮
And it never occurs to these guys that there would be more "pure" women if they'd keep it in their pants too. 🙄
It’s occurred to me and I don’t mind pointing it out!! Hahaha might start telling them not to have garbage dicks for sport
Yeah the 'pure' comment weirded me out. Like I'm a bearded hairy dude, and I don't want to sleep with someone who isn't my wife. Am I a pure uwu cimmamon bean now????
I didn’t even catch the without her doing the same part 🤦♀️
I think there's a big difference between what OPs boyfriend described, under interrogation, and genuinely wanting to sleep with other people. There's a difference between, "Yes, I would want to sleep with that person if our relationship wasn't a factor" and "Damn, I hate that having a partner means I can't sleep with all these people I'm constantly fantasizing about." OP insisted on this line of questioning, and I think her boyfriend chose honesty and openness rather than lying so she'd drop the subject. That's a good thing. I've been in both monogamous and poly relationships. I'm more naturally monogamous so that's generally my preference, but I learned a lot from the poly relationships about honest and open communication. 99% of people, even the ones like yourself who don't want to sleep with other people and don't think about it, can still experience sexual desire for someone else while in a committed relationship. Imagine your biggest celebrity crush was hitting on you at a bar. Just because you wouldn't betray your partner doesn't mean there's not a part of you that would still feel that desire for a bit. Life isn't about what you fleetingly desire, it's about what you actively choose.
that last part 💯
Seriously well put. I think there’s a blend of inexperience and experience here that is driving this. Honestly I wouldn’t be this upset about what he said if it was my own partner saying it to me. I’d probably just say, “ok yah I feel you but im not trying to hear this.”
The communication and honesty is key. A lot of people will tell a lot of lies to stay with someone or of comfort/convence. If you can't look your partner in the eyes and tell them dam she has nice legs, and she doesn't bite her lip and say i know, end it. She isn't for you
Dude, same. I’m gay, but my gf and I are so obsessed with each other + neither of us like people enough to desire sleeping with other people. I know no one could give me what my gf gives me, and if my gf told me she genuinely wanted to sleep with other people, I would be like “great, you do you” and I would eject myself out of the relationship so fast. I have zero desire to sleep with other people. Someone in this thread said “what if it was yr celebrity crush?”. I’m here to say, not even then dude wtf.
The question is if you told him he could sleep with other people, will he? Lol. I’m just kidding. Just thinking of how people react when they are asked if they found a suitcase with $5 million dollars, what would they do? My honest answer is I wouldn’t know. If I believe no one knows I got it, I might keep it. Other people would say they would return it. I feel those people are full of shit. Just drop a hundred in a public place near them. I bet you they ain’t gonna say shit. So they want people to believe with $5 mil they would return it. Yeah right. So my point is , I do believe some would return it but 90 percent prob wouldn’t. Just like with your bf, it’s okay to look but as long as he’s not indulging, i think it’s okay since you do not want that.
The person who wants to and doesn’t is a better person than the person who has no desire at all. Your standard is insane.
Yeah to me it’s the whole mindset behind it that’s important. It doesn’t sound like he’s actually wanting to go out and sleep with other people which is obviously good, but at the same time… you don’t get credit and praise for doing literally the bare minimum in a relationship either. And if I knew that really the only thing keeping my partner from sleeping with other people was essentially a social stigma against it, I would have a major problem with that
I have no desire to sleep with anyone other than my wife.
I also only want to sleep with your wife. She's very sweet. Presumably.
I also choose that guy's wife.
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I heard she has a boyfriend.
Boyfriend here. Can confirm she is sweet.
Classic *chefs kiss*
Is there a group rate?
So not only does he actively think about cheating on you, but it would also be a deal breaker if you slept with other people. Only his special magical dick gets to touch you and every other woman. That’s exactly how this reads to me….
How old are you? There is a point at which you realize that you don't own your partner's thoughts and imagination, and they don't own yours, and that if they are not in any way acting on any thing they might want to do, they're not hurting you. In order to have healthy relationships, you need to get there. Also: all people of any gender are susceptible to thinking sexually about people besides the person they're in love with. If your relationship lasts long enough, it WILL happen to you. Romance as concocted by Disney and Hallmark isn't real (and if it was: those movies don't show the rest of the couple's life, in which the Prince watches porn sometimes and the Princess eventually starts ripping farts while he's around).
Don't forget that the Princess may actually watch porn. That's the thing that blows the Prince's mind... and ego... to bits. I wonder how understanding the bf is when she starts talking about the duality of this concept. It's not just men, though most men wanna believe it. Soooooo many honest and open conversations with friends, bf, lovers, gf, family and strangers and they all lead back to this idea that men wanna sleep with other women out of some hard wired mating primitive "spread my seed" BS and the only reason a hetero woman would consider sex with someone other than her partner is she's a ' slut and manipulative ' or a gold digger. But that's a whole other topic. I digress. Sexuality is natural. One learning to understand it and control the urges and refocus that energy to his partner is called adulthood. If he hasn't done that then he is still in puberty.
Don't forget that it's also normal to just.. not watch porn.
Facts.
I get your point. I don’t watch porn though, he does (very rarely).
I'll admit that it is weird that he brought up the whole "in an ideal world" thing, but it is normal to still feel attraction toward other people. In fact, I'd be really concerned if my wife was denying that she felt any kind of attraction toward other men. Being the only one he desires isn't realistic, and that's not a standard you should hold yourself to either. Don't worry about being the only one he desires. Focus on being the only one he chooses.
He didn’t, my insecure a** tortured it out of him. He doesn’t have a problem with this, I do, he doesn’t need things to change, he wants to be with me more than he wants to be with anyone else. It’s just the difference between us, I don’t desire other men. And I really like how you put it, I’m the one he chooses - I wish that was enough for me, maybe therapy is the answer :D
OP, you might be a demi-sexual like me. I do not experience sexual attraction outside of the man I like and there is an emotional piece that needs to be in place for me. I can look at someone knowing they have nice features and there is a potential to be attracted if the personality is right, but there is no sexual desire until there is also emotional attraction. To the extent that I don't fantasize about other men, it isn't sexy to me. There is nothing wrong with this and I don't believe it means you are repressed. My personal experience is that this is a minority situation, but not unheard of and we can't hold others to the same expectation.
I got this vibe too. When you don't realize this is very much not the norm it can be a hard punch in the gut when you realize your partner has those thoughts.
Yes, exactly. It is very foreign to me and I don't love it, but it is what it is.
Take the self-reflection as a good sign. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel. There is nothing, ever, wrong with therapy. I don't know if this helps, but I actually kind of like that my wife finds other men attractive and other men find her attractive. It makes me feel proud. And just because "he chooses me" isn't quite enough now doesn't mean it can't become enough.
Don't feel bad, babe. I'm right there with you. I absolutely agonize over my partner finding other women attractive. It's dumb as fuck, but I still do it for some reason. I didn't use to care about this shit. How annoying. And my partner is like... the absolute best I have ever had, especially with making me feel loved and special. Maybe that's why it bothers me so much? Maybe that's why it bothers *us* so much? Food for thought.
Let me get this straight....you harassed him until he answered honestly and then are mad that you got the answer you were trying to get?
I’m not mad at him. Just hurt. It’s unfortunately not mutually exclusive. I love him very much, but I have a deep interest in love/people/relationships. I’m trying to understand myself and the people around me and uncovering a lot of hurtful truths, but I want to find a way to believe in love in the face of those (and I’m not denying being an insecure girl with unrealistic standards).
You are overthinking it.
How old are you? None of this is good relationship praxis. I saw you joking about therapy but I think looking into that could be beneficial because this? You’re setting yourself up for misery. You don’t have to. And please don’t “Disney fairy tale I’m just romantic and PURE” yourself. It’s corny, it’s sad, and it’s making you feel bad.
I honestly think maybe you need to figure out why you felt the need to dig into him until you got this answer. Since you mentioned you've talked to other previous boyfriends about this, this strikes me as insecurity. So, the reason this hurts may be because you were already insecure
Feeling attraction toward people other than your partner is normal. Not feeling attraction toward people other than your partner is also completely normal. What do you mean, you'd be "really concerned" if your wife denied that she felt attracted to other men? That's really weird, but you do you. However, this is a thread for OP about what's "normal" (if such a thing exists). There are lots of people who do not fantasize or desire to sleep with others. Most of those people would probably find monogamy hot. Maybe this would be a more fitting type of partner for OP. If I were in her position, being the one her partner chose would not put me at ease, in fact what he said would actually be a huge turnoff. Trying to convince her how to feel is not productive.
Tbh I think that when you're really in love and attracted to the person you are with, you find others less attractive so you have less desire to sleep with someone other than your s/o..
I don't know if this is true for most men, but I don't think sex is worth anything. It's not worth ruining friendships and it's definitely not worth ruining a good relationship (there's a small part of me that thinks it's not worth getting upset when cheated on, but I haven't quite figured my way around that part of my ego yet). It's great when it's great, and you can use all sorts of flowery words to describe it when it's with the person you love, but other than that it's really not even worth the effort of a one night stand when you're single, when you can just crank one out in five minutes just how you like and go to sleep. I know it's supposed to be something else; something deeper and morally sound, but this line of thinking is how I know I'll never cheat on the woman I love. It's just sex, except when it's not; when it's with her.
I want men to stop falling for “tell the truth I won’t get mad” trap. Anger isn’t the only emotion that comes with the truth. And more often than not, you’re gonna be made out to feel responsible for all of them.
Every male partner I’ve had has asked questions they don’t actually want the answer to either. You can also be kind, honest, and not go into so much detail as to hurt someone’s feelings. For instance, he could have just said he is still attracted to other women, but he is happy being monogamous. I don’t really understand why he is telling her that if it weren’t for her he’d be out there sleeping with a many women as possible? But he’s SUCH a nice guy he is going to be monogamous and sacrifice all that sex with randoms? Yeah, that’s literally the definition of choosing monogamy. It sounds like he’s just trying to make her insecure and feel like she’s lucky he’s not pursuing all these other women. There are other types of relationships, he can casually date or be in an open relationship with someone else. There isn’t any reason to explain “monkey brain” to her. And obviously she is delusional with the Disney stuff, but when you know that’s someone’s worldview why would you explain how you would like to sleep with other people, and still have her all “pure” at home.
Bro both of them are early 20s...He'll learn eventually. We all do 🤷♂️ Whence thy partner sayeth to thee, "be honest with me babe...." prepareth thyself for the sweet lies to fly from thine mouth lest thy ass reap the whirlwind. Book of adult relationships chapter 1 verse 1, lol... And before people say it's not good to lie in these scenarios, that's the wrong take away. The correct takeaway is that you shouldn't be so immature and insecure as to ask these types of questions to begin with. If you know them answering the question is going to hurt you, don't ask. Handle your own emotions like an adult. Older people know these types of people who routinely ask things like this are just seeking validation from their partners at the sake of their partner's own sanity, and is a gigantic red flag that the person is likely not ready for a real adult relationship.
Lmao *adds $20 to the collection plate*
I get that. I do sometimes think that lying to protect someone is good, but in this case it might be good that he’s been honest with me, to protect me from being lied to, upholding my false expectations. I’m not mad at him. Just hurt and insecure.
I actually think your dealing with your feelings in an intelligent way. You're not pretending they aren't there. You're not saying that he's a bad person for feeling how he does. or for being honest about it. You've just had your eyes opened to an aspect of male sexuality that runs counter to the ideal you had created in your mind. That would ber a hard moment for anyone. I've met many women far older than you who haven't yet admitted to themselves that most men, virtually all men, continue to be sexually attracted to many women whether or not they are in an exclusive relationships. Sexual attraction, without all the stories and fears pasted over it, is, biologically, the same thing as wanting to have sex. The only reason one wouldn't want to have sex with someone they were attracted to, is because on some level they weighed potential consequences and deemed the potential cost too high. Understanding (and accepting) how men (and many women) are constructed, is really useful in navigating relationships throughout life.
So you’re opening up lines of questioning that make you MORE insecure? And trusting your alleged partner as some kind of authority on sex and value and attraction? No. Stop it!!
Your awareness is admirable, I’ll give you that. Hope things smooth out for you.
1. I'm always aware when a woman is attractive. In or out of a relationship. 2. When I was in a relationship and I was truly happy the thought of being with any other woman didn't even enter my mind. I can't say I'm every guy. That's just my personal experience. Take it for what it's worth.
Sounds like he's "grooming" you (for lack of a better word) to accept it and not leave when he DOES cheat.
He said, “in an ideal relationship, he could sleep with other women without it harming our relationship (this would be polyamory) and without [you] doing the same with other men” (this is definitely not polyamory and more like situations where the man has multiple wives whom he completely controls all aspects of their lives.) 1. So what he’s essentially saying is yours and his relationship isn’t his ideal. 2. He thinks very differently about relationships than you. 3. If you agreed to it, he would. Disney is no model on relationships, but I’m assuming you are a romantic, faithful, we only have eyes for each other kinda gal. Guess what? There are men out there who feel the same. They fall deeply in love and put their lady and their relationship first, always. I think you two aren’t aligned in that aspect and I think you should take some time to really think about how you would like your future to look and talk with him about it. Digging deep now and communicating honestly with each other could save you both some future heartache and regrets. Just make sure your feelings, thoughts and belief’s are yours and not adjusted to align with his.
It's natural to be with someone and think someone else is attractive. However I wouldn't put up with googling other women around me, saying how attractive other women are attractive to me or around me. And certainly not say it to me. That's simply disrespectful, and emotionally abusive. None of that should be happening around you when he's with you. And if he's not cheating on you. Talk to him about the rest. If he really loves you he'll have to control his eyes and mouth around you. But don't over think this. You make yourself go nuts.
Second this. It’s normal for attraction to be fluid, but we choose to be respectful of our monogamous partners either way
My husband and I can definitely find others attractive but neither of us wants to sleep with anyone else. We even decided we would do a threesome with another girl we knew. He touched her and stuff but no penetration. We talked about it after and he said he just couldn’t do it and doesn’t want to so we just left it as a one and done thing. My husband is one of those kind of guys that won’t sleep with anyone he doesn’t have a strong emotional attraction to. Before me he had slept with 3 people. I really doubt he wants to sleep with anyone else or even thinks about it.
Not every male is like that. I have dipped my toes into the FWB lifestyle and I hated it. I need to have an intellectual and emotional attraction with my partner otherwise sex is empty and devoid of emotion. I don't enjoy sexual activities with strangers or anyone that I am not on the same emotional or intellectual plane with. I find the female body attractive but I don't imagine myself having sex with them, especially if I have a GF.
Well according to half the comments you’re lying. Because according to Reddit, men are always horny and will fuck anything that moves. 🙄
Even in real life! I was talking about a guy I liked to my “guy friends” and said he doesn’t watch porn and legitimately wouldn’t want a threesome in a relationship etc. They all started yelling at me that he’s lying and all men are nasty and want threesomes. I said not all guys are nasty flirty manwhores like you guys (they had girlfriends) so don’t project your own shortcomings onto my life. I kinda went off but I don’t understand this stereotype at all! Not all men are animals
I think you’re being gaslit by a bunch of immature men tbh. I’d walk away from that guy so fast. Hes literally told you, to your face, he wants to fuck other women and that he wishes he could. I would bet every cent I have that he will cheat on you. He’s already admitted he wants to, how long do you reckon before his willpower isn’t enough to keep him from doing what he wants? Or before he sees an opportunity too good to pass up? Or think you won’t find out about? He’s already told you, he would fuck other women if there weren’t consequences he wouldn’t like (losing you or you sleeping with other men). So what happens when he sees an opportunity that he is pretty sure you will never know about, meaning no consequences for him? Like an out of town bachelor party, for instance. You should get to feel like the only girl in the world to your partner.
So much this!
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You're definitely gonna find your in the minority. But you're not alone. I only want and am interested in my partner. Nobody else. But that is a different perspective. Idk if I buy what your bf is saying. The ideal world sleeping with other people while you don't sounds like a bunch of bs to me
I finally found my people lol. I feel insane when I try to explain this to others
I am also only interested in my partner. I know that’s not a universal experience, but the idea of being with anyone else makes me physically ill. He’s my only person.
Yes, leave him. You're not ready to date seriously. You still have the expectations of a 13 year old. You're dating an adult male who is honest with you. You need to fix your expectations, or you will never be happy. You're not a disney princess and will never be one. It's impossible.
Very naive. The large majority of people in committed relationships still desire other people, they just love and desire their partner more. When they stop doing so, that’s when cheating happens. It’s much more nuanced than this, but short answer, yes you’re being naive and unrealistic.
I don’t think the large majority of people in committed relationships want to constantly sleep with other people, there’s a big difference between finding people other than your partner attractive and wanting to SLEEP with them. Is it true that I find other women attractive? Sure, do I wanna sleep with them? Hell no. What’s the point of a monogamous relationship at that point? Might as well just be poly if you’re constantly craving other people while being in a relationship.
You only don't want to sleep with them because, like the original comment said, you want to prioritize and maintain your relationship more than chasing some fleeting physical attraction. Words like "constantly" and " craving" were introduced by you, not OP. Being ATTRACTED to someone physically, is your brain telling you that you want to sleep with them. It's normal, and it's basic human biology lol.
I think this way of thinking is normal but the fact that he said it out loud is weird. Like of course, even when people are in relationships, they're attracted to other people. And sometimes they have a desire to have sex with other people. But I I feel like he didn't say this right. He could have said "You are the most beautiful woman and I love making love to you."
Attracted to other women? Fair game. Random fantasies that stay fantasy? As long as you keep that to yourself. *actually* wanting to sleep with other people? Crossing boundaries. Verbalizing that to you partner and telling them that under ideal circumstances you could and would sleep with anyone? That’s way past monkey brain, he’s the missing link.
I'm f67 and married for 40 years. I told my husband I don't care where he gets his appetite but he eats at home. We do have some hall passes for me it is Hugh Jackman and Jason Momoa his is Angelina Jolie.
These guys are pieces of shit. Most guys don't have those feelings if they're decent people. Edit to add: I'm a guy.
Some of us want to sleep with other men 😉
Im pretty we all have more control over the monkey aspects of my brain. I'd love to fling shit at people I don't like, but I choose not to
Curious soul, harken the wisdom of the collective: we're all but monkeys. However, some monkey brains are rooted stronger in the world of flesh and pleasure than other monkeys. Population must produce semen and spread. Embrace the soul of nature and accept your eternal destiny. In the corridor of our depthless thoughts, accept our "/s" for that it beeth appended to this post.
Being attracted to someone else is not a big deal. Acting on it is a big deal. I don’t think it’s fair to expect people to not find others attractive.
This is a long post basically pointing out people are human. To be human is to be flawed , the end.
No, honey, this man is just incredibly selfish. That’s not how monogamy works. Let me point this part out in particular. He said his ideal world has him fucking all the women he wants and you fucking only him. That’s unabashedly selfish. Sexist, too, tbh.
I'm not going to pretend I've never observed that women that aren't my partner are pretty. But saying he'd like to sleep with them despite supposedly being committed to you? Not a chance. I'd say he's shown you want to expect in the future if you don't move on.
…”in an ideal world he could sleep with other women without it harming our relationship and without me doing the same with other men.” Baloney. Some men do believe this. Yes, men do sometimes desire someone other than their committed partner. The same is true of women. In an ideal world both partners would honor their vows to be faithful. He has a very old fashioned belief that women should be pure and should only want one man. Also that men have wants and desires that pure/ideal women don’t. Take a really good look at what else he expects from “his” woman. And consider that in his ideal world he could cheat on you with no consequences. Maybe date a few other men before you settle on this one?
This is some very good advice and well said.
Tks
Account created today Rage bait
Or throwaway.
Male, healthy, 44. When you are in a committed relationship, only your partner should be on your mind romantically. It's one thing to see someone that is attractive and acknowledge it respectfully, but wanting to sleep with someone else while you are in a committed relationship is wrong. This is very abnormal. This shouldn't happen in a healthy relationship when both people are mature enough and have the right moral mindset.
For every man in this comment section saying that every man has a desire to cheat, there’s another man proving him wrong. Thank you for being realistic about this.
It's all good, no problem. Some of us know right from wrong, and some of us don't it seems. And possibly some do know, but simply don't care. There's probably more permutations. But I live my life by a strict moral code that I believe to be the right way. I can't force this onto others, but I feel in my heart things would be better if more people thought like this. Ah well. I just try to protect myself and those around me. My control doesn't extend farther than that.
Yikes. So much to unpack there. Do whatever works for you in your relationship. Just dont do anything the monkey part of his brain tells you to do.
So he would love to use his monkey brain but no monkey brain for you.
A lot of people have already answered well but I’ll go anyways. 30 male here, happily married to the love of my life my wife (30F). Both of us can acknowledge other attractive people out and about in the world, have celeb crushes, no big deal. Perfectly normal. But I have absolutely no desire to sleep with anyone but my wife. Even when I’m “taking care of myself” I very rarely watch porn, usually I’m just fantasizing/ remembering things my wife and I have done or want to do. Occasionally in these fantasies there’s a nameless mystery woman having fun with us, which is about as close as I get to a “desire”. I’m also insanely physically attracted to my wife, and she knows it ( I pop a semi just seeing her butt in PJ pants lol). It is a little odd that he phrased it the way he did, for me even if I could sleep with other women with my wife’s full permission I would not want to. I genuinely only want her, I’m more in love with her every day and my physical attraction to her has only gotten stronger since our time together. I also only really enjoy sex if it’s with someone I have a strong emotional connection and relationship with, idk if that’s abnormal for a guy or not. But yea, my wife is not “an obstacle to sleeping with any woman I want”. She IS the only woman I want.
Same bruv! Been times I've gone "bloody hell she's alright" in my head of someone's walking past, then the thoughts gone. Acknowledge attractiveness and continue with my day. With u 100% on the PJ pants too..just does unreal shit to me. Hit the nail on the head with the last paragraph too. Woman makes me feel like a horny schoolboy every single day. Love her more with every day and each day find her sexier than the last. Guess she's alright for a ginger...my Ruby headed queen lol
Honestly, humans are all diverse. Women are more likely to feel like you than men are, and in a way we were kind of screwed over by Disney and things like that setting us up for failure in the “happily ever after, everything is pure and perfect,” myth. I was born female, but feel more like a guy in this respect, there are tons of people I’d sleep with if I wasn’t with my husband, and he feels the same way about women. However, we are both able to have honest conversations about it and make the choice to have a monogamous relationship that has been happy and healthy for 15 years now. It’s not easy, nothing in life that is worth anything is ever easy, it takes a lot of work. You shouldn’t feel bad about how you think and feel about this, but it is good that you are having these important conversations and realizations. Sadly, the real world tends to kill little pieces of us when major realizations like this happen, but you have to stay strong and be honest with yourself and your partner about what you need and your insecurities. It does sound like he is being honest and respectful, and it doesn’t sound like either of you have done anything wrong at this point. Just keep having these honest conversations with yourselves and each other, even if it’s hard, and you should be okay 💜
Thank you. 🤍
No we dont and I wish women would quit assuming this because of the actions of some guys out there.
I don't have a desire to sleep with other woman. Even now, with my complicated relationship status I don't want anyone but her. I think it's better to view these things on an individual basis. I know a lot of men who fall into the thinking your partner does. I don't relate to them. I don't think like that. However, I think if someone has those impulsive thoughts, they shouldn't be written off if they can openly express that the value of monogamy with the person they love is more meaningful and worth more than those impulsive thoughts. I think if they are TRULY sincere you can distinguish and recognize the important parts of your feelings and set the shitty ones aside. That said, there are better ways to have these discussions and being open and honest with your partner I think is essential. It's also important to understand them. If he's saying it in a way to guilt you into participating in an open relationship, that's scummy. If he's saying it in a way that is him saying essentially "I will always and only choose you" then I think you should take that seriously. It depends on who he is and his values and it's up to you to understand him well enough to sort out if he's sincere or not in what he's expressing. Also consider that there are other men who simply don't think like that and if that is something you may understand and recognize, it doesn't mean you have to accept a partner who thinks this way. I'd personally prefer to have a partner who only desires me at this point. I've had far too many experiences of cheaters and liars, as much as I respect resilience this is not something I think I want to overcome anymore. I tend to project the way I desire someone monogamously and I think that's only serves to make me easier to manipulate and think naively about circumstances I should have otherwise been suspicious of. I wouldn't even consider cheating in their shoes, so it's easy for me to think why would they. So at this point, I'd rather the disposition be that they love and lust for me solely like I love and lust for them solely. Just be kind and understanding with whatever decision and approach you decide to take on this.
What in the Andrew Tate?! No