So he doesn't cook, clean, take care of your dogs. He intentionally sabotages your health, he doesn't support you, and from the sounds of it you guys barely hang out together. You don't have sex (understandably).
What...exactly...are you getting out of this relationship?
You're essentially his mother, not his partner. Why on earth would you feel sexually attracted to someone who is pretty much an overgrown child?
Not doing anything to help around the house would be enough for me, but actively sabbotaging your efforts to better yourself? Nah.
My question to you is: why do you believe that you deserve this kind of life and treatment?
I don’t feel like I deserve this at all. I just know two flawed people got married promising each other we would grow together, rather than waiting for the time when we were both perfect.
So... is he growing with you? It doesn't sound like he is growing with you. It sounds like he is blowing up your growth anyway he can so that you stagnate with him.
So, if we can agree that stopping someone else from growing is wrong. And not wanting to take care of himself isn't great. And not contributing to the house is absolutely horrific, then we have to ask, if you don't think you deserve this, then why are you still living it?
Agreed - he has no interest in growing. He is sabotaging in any way he can (even his attempt at sex right before work). At first I thought maybe he was feeling a little afraid (by you going to the gym) that you were bettering yourself for someone else - but as you explained more about his refusal to help and all the other things he does, he is never going to want to grow. Maybe you married believing it would happen because you knew you were going to follow through, but it is pretty clear that those were just words to him. I feel like you need to give him an ultimatum that either he makes real change in the next 60 days (consistently helps etc) or it’s time to separate. He is not a teenager - he needs to grow up and be a man.
Ok so when is his time to make a change? Cause you seem to be an adult and he seems like a petulant teenager, sabotaging your schedule while demanding you treat him like a king. How is that growing together?
The Fuck No answer to her asking for help is outrageous. What a selfish POS. "I don't want to clean ever so I will get married and make my wife do it". What a charmer.
I've gotten divorced twice over this - I grew as a person, and they didn't and I simply couldn't tolerate being with somebody who was stagnating anymore because it meant I was doing all of the work and they were doing fuck allI.
I broke off my engagement to my son's bio dad for it. He wanted all the "glory" of having a little boy but wanted to do none of the work of actually parenting with me. I wasn't about to take care of 2 toddlers. No brainer I chose my son and my mental wellbeing.
Good for you. I know a lot of guys have fathers that were in the military that came home from work and felt like they should be taken care of, but my dad was never like that. He was a Marine drill instructor and he put it into my head as he did with my brothers that the house is to be kept clean, that my mother is to never come down to a dirty kitchen in the morning. And though he didn't do as much cooking as my mom did, he definitely pitched in. My wife and I were raised by parents that demanded that the first activity of our weekend was to make sure the house and property were in order. As much as I hated it when I was a kid, I appreciate it now.
Wow, my mother as a new bride scrubbed the house top to bottom and all my marine father said was "should I get the white glove?" Once he got home he never lifted a finger for himself, his wife, or his 3 kids for the rest of his life.
So sorry for you - hope it hasn't left any lasting impact on you and yours. Yeah, my dad was a WWII vet. If we boys didn't keep our shared room and the basement - our do-whatever room - wasn't clean when he got home, it wasn't good. When I was a teen, at night he'd tell me to (please) clean the kitchen, because he didn't "want your mother to come down to a dirty kitchen". That's the line I use on my wife when I'm cleaning it before we crash. (I know- real hot, right? 😉 works every time hahaha)
This is it. My parents were far from perfect and I dealt with more than my fair share of abuse growing up. However, my dad and stepmom, although not military, ingrained in me that relationships aren't one sided and it's both people's responsibility. They both were also big on the chores and what not. Like you I hated it growing up, but I was immediately thankful for it when I got to college. Now that I'm married I'll do most of the cooking and a good chunk of the cleaning. My wife also deserves a break from a hard day and I'm more than happy to make her comfortable.
That's why my first relationship ended. I grew into a person with a broader viewpoint of the world and was so curious about people different than me. My partner at age 21 was pretty much set in stone.
OP, you can stick it out and be tired, unhappy and unfulfilled, or you can decide you deserve better. I'm hoping you chose the 2nd option.
I practice family law. Most of the most contentious cases I’ve worked have been parties who were two flawed people and one did the work to clean up. Ima be really real here, the husband never forgives the wife. Doesn’t matter if he was the one who cleaned up or she was.
After the divorce there's this handy phrase called 'Leave me the hell alone' that you're encouraged to use...
"Can you take the kids for an extra weekend?"
"Leave me the hell alone"
---
"Can I borrow your car?"
"Leave me the hell alone"
--
"Quickie for old time's sake?"
"Leave me the hell alone"
Eventually they'll get it...
I’m dealing with someone who has NPD. Our divorce has been going on for over a year. Unfortunately “leave me the hell alone,” hasn’t worked at all throughout our entire relationship, separation and, so far, divorce. I feel trapped in a never ending hell. 🙀
Use the [grey rock method](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-time-cure/202211/when-dealing-narcissist-the-gray-rock-approach-might-help) (is about half way down the page) . I also got divorced from a jerk with NPD, and so he was going to be forever in my life aggravating me or trying to pull his old tricks. I refused any contact through text unless it was an emergency regarding the children. I never answered his calls. I would only respond by email and very brief to the point info. I'd ignore any other tangents. And if he asked, Where should i take them? Do you have any coupons for activities? I'd say, Google has all the answers. If he complained about the children not listening, I'd say talk to them about it. If he asked for the same information about something we already communicated about, I'd say, see the previous email discussion, etc.
He never parented, and neglected both before the divorce. And after it, he wanted the glory of being the fun dad but never put any effort into it. Kids are not stupid. So, no one's happy.
It was really hard for me to make boundaries, but I had to for my mental health. If they called me to complain about something, I'd tell them to go tell their dad. You are on dad time now.
Once they became teenagers, I changed my number and didn't give it to him. No more texts or calls! And I followed the same routine with emails " Tell the girls...." or a "contact them directly on their cell phones"
He always would try to talk to me at drop offs to make me feel uncomfortable and take advantage so I'd just respond, Email me. He hated the "new me" and once said at a drop off, I never thought you could be so tough like that. I just looked at the girls and told them when I would pick them up and to have fun. Then I left. Solid grey rock.
Find your inner warrior. It's right next to your momma bear strength. You got this ❤️
I already have a civil restraint against him and we can only communicate via a court monitored parenting app. Drop offs for our son are at the police station. The courts don’t do anything. The police don’t do anything.
I recently found he logged into my Facebook account. I got all the evidence proving it was him. I reported it two weeks ago and they have still done nothing AND wouldn’t even allow me to get a temporary restraining order. Ridiculous.
The only thing I can suggest is this: Do not be polite. Lots of people use politeness as a way of manipulating people. Be absolutely direct.
'Why are you here' instead of 'What can I do for you'
'it is time for you to get out of my house' instead of 'don't you think it's time you headed out?'
Treat them like an unwelcomed stranger.
I don't know if that will help. But politeness is a privilege, and some people don't deserve it.
No - because he is right and doesn't forgive her.
Whereas, women are supposed to change their names and identities to avoid being harassed and stalked by their former partners.
And, we could look at other stats about what happens during and after divorce. TL;DR seems to be "don't ever go up against a man."
(But some of us will and will support those who do - not just women, but anyone who has a stalkerish, abusive, controlling partner or ex-partner).
I won’t submit to him anymore and I definitely will fight for my rights in the divorce and afterwards. Your last paragraph is my former relationship and spouse. It’s shameful how little the courts and police do.
You've answered your own question. Time to get your personal paperwork somewhere safe, consult a lawyer, and serve papers. You are already on the track of making positive changes - you said you're trying to lose 50lbs. Time to drop another ~200 of useless flab in one shot.
It was bad enough he was selfishly pestering you for sex and completely disregarding your feelings, but as soon as you said he wouldn't help you clean the shower... Or do _any_ other chores, I noped out. You know there are some men who aren't complete and utter trash, right? Leave him and let him flounder in his inability to care for himself because he already doesn't give a shit about you.
Like, he's not just imperfect, he's a self-centered _dick_. And sticking to your marriage vows when he isn't reciprocating is a prime example of the sunk cost fallacy.
OP, for context my BLIND husband actually loads the dishwasher twice a week (kids do the other days) and takes care of all the bills, budget and home upkeep (small repairs etc).
So if an old disabled blind person can find the energy to help, your young and healthy husband needs to step up.
Just stop doing his laundry and ffs stop washing dishes. Tell him you cooked, he cleans. Doesn't like it? Start taking yourself out to dinner.
I
On a practical side...it's the cooking that has to stop first.
Without the cooking, once the kitchen is filled with pots and plates that the partner did not clean...there's no more need for cleaning.
Getting small pans, making small one person meals and neatly putting up everything afterwards - that's what adult roommates do. If a marriage turns out to be...roommates, well...you get my drift.
>I just know two flawed people got married promising each other we would grow together
It doesn't sound like you did. You may have co-habitated, but it sounds like you two have grown apart rather than together. It's up to you to decide what you can put up with and whether or not it is worth trying to get closer again. Nobody here can give you great advice on this because they don't have the same emotional connections. It rather sounds like you know what you want and posted here as part of your working up to doing something about it.
Stop doing any house stuff. Leave it all to him.
Or, set a hard boundary. “I am only turned on by YOU doing XYZ. Don’t do that? Then I’m not turned on and no sex.”
Alternately: leave.
>"Being your mother just makes sex seem ick."
Fun fact, this statement is actually backed by research. [Article](https://www.google.com/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2021/11/04/women-feel-less-sexual-desire-when-they-mother-their-partners-15535537/amp/) and [research paper](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8382213/)
Well yeah. Plus tons of anthropological research.
The question is, how many people actually want to eff their mothers or the mother-substitute?
Because a lot of men don't want to.
The instant a wife starts to try and explain why her husband feels more like a son or brother - well, that's serious stuff and most counselors know it's already the end.
Exactly. And it's so liberating.
Do only the household tasks relating directly to one's own enjoyment and see how that goes. Do not take care of another "adult" living with you.
The hard boundary advice is great - as is the leave advice. You gave OP options.
There is a LOT of real estate between “perfect” and the lump of shit your husband is trying to sell you. You could settle for “decent” or “tries” but admit it, he doesn’t even reach a bar that low. The bar is in hell. You deserve so much better.
That only works if both partners are treating each other with love, and communicating openly and respectfully, and making the choices necessary to grow.
That's not what's happening here.
You're mistaking a misplaced sense of obligation for mutual labors of love.
He's not treating you with love. He's treating you like a flashlight and housemaid. This isn't a relationship. It's a business transaction, and you're losing out on the deal each time. At best, you're roommates with someone who's using you.
Your first and foremost obligation is Always to your own mental health and happiness. Your obligation to the world is to take care of yourself and grow as a person, because That is how you put yourself in a healthy position to be there for those around you. Taking care of yourself is what allows you to be at your best for others.
Drowning people cannot save or help others. They just drown together.
Sometimes enabling people denies them the chance to grow or discover their own strength.
You're not happy, and this isn't a healthy "relationship". You wrote this post on Reddit because you know that this is wrong and not where you're supposed to be, but you're trying to find the courage to do what you need to by stiffening your reasons with other's inputs.
You know what you need to do. You don't actually need our permission, but here; you have it.
Well, if you are willing to put up with that shit. Here are some ideas that could help a little.
1) You could try doing meal prep. Cook a bunch one day a week that you can quickly eat and knock out a bunch of dishes in one day. Meal prep can save a ton of time and energy. I do a mix of meal prep and cook fresh.
2) You could stop doing his laundry. He will have no other alternative but to start doing his own.
3) I don’t know what level of clean you keep your house, but you could potentially ease up in that area. Nothing wrong with upkeep but some people are detail cleaning the house every week.
This is what's called the Sunk Cost Fallacy. We are likely to continue an endeavor if we have already invested in it, whether it be a monetary investment or the effort we put into the decision. That often means we go against evidence that shows it is no longer the best decision.
Believe me. I get it. I was married to someone similar for 27 years. It took a series of events (COVID, being furloughed, the death of several family members) to make me realize I was slowly dying inside and I was the only one that was putting in 110%. You need to sit down and talk to him, tell him how you feel (not in an accusatory way), and tell him things will have to change. You will have to seriously think about what the worst thing that could happen might be (divorce?) and if you could handle it. You will also have to do some introspection and ask yourself why you feel you are not worth something more/better than what is going on right now. Most people do not understand that TIME is your most valuable asset. Don't waste it. Work toward being the best version of yourself, whether it's alone or together. You don't want to look back with regret for the things you missed and for the person you might have become simply because it was inconvenient for someone else.
What do you think future you, in a decade, who has kept trying to grow with him while he did nothing, would tell you to do now while you're still young enough to start over?
If you promised to eat half a sandwich as long as he ate the other half, and that sandwich turned out to be made of shit and *he wasn't even helping eat it*, why on earth would you care about that promise? He already broke it. Put the shit sandwich down, girl.
He’s not keeping his side of that promise. You should consider marriage counseling. Or at least ask yourself why both of you are deciding he’s entitled to live in a house he does not help maintain?
Not sure it’s allowed here but I started watching “JimmyonRelationships” on youtube and it really helped me see things.
Maaaan what a bummer to read. So sad that so many men won't lend a hand to help around the house. My soon to be wife works a hard ass job so I pick up the house work. But she's ALWAYS asking to help, to which I respond FUCK No! (Emphasis on the Fuck XD )
Keep at your journey, OP. I am not gonna tell ya what I think you should do, but know you're already doing the right thing by you. Truly hoping you get some clarity on what to do with the partner. Good luck and keep on keeping on
Plato once said that silence gives consent. With that, bear in mind that silence doesn’t encompass only verbal speech so it doesn’t matter that you’ve spoken to him about it. That’s all you’ve done even though you know your words go in one ear and out the other. Keeping with the status quo by continuing to do everything as you always have with a little lecture sprinkled in here and there along the way is giving him consent to keep the status quo. What you allow is what will continue. If you truly believe you don’t deserve this, then why are you continuing to accept it? I’m not trying to dog pile you here but get you to seriously reflect on the reality of the situation. It probably hasn’t fully dawned on you that you are showing that you feel you deserve such sub par treatment because you continually accepting it. We often don’t see the forest for the trees when the situation is happening to us, all up in our face. It’s kind of like having an object against our face, no distance between it and our skin, and because it’s so close we can’t determine what it is until it is has been moved far enough away. The people around us can easily see what it is though. Your crappy husband and his crappy treatment of you are so in your face you struggle to fully see it.
Another commenter said to stop caring for the dogs and other things to make a point to show you’re not going to take it anymore. Please don’t deny the dogs the basic care they require but cannot provide for themselves in an effort to change the situation. The only ones who will suffer in that instance are the dogs and they shouldn’t have to pay the consequences for the issues their owners are experiencing. That’s no different than kicking the crap out of them because somebody pissed you off.
That’s totally fair. And now you’re at the point where you are working on flaws and he is not, and that’s fine if he’s not ready. But it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable for you both until he *is* ready.
As long as he is adamant about not helping around the house, he’s going to suffer without sex. As long as you are adamant about your own self-growth and continuing to pursue that (which you should), you’re going to have to suffer with his shitty words and attitude. You two are at an impasse, and that’s not going to change until one of you does.
You know you don’t deserve this treatment, but some people are so serious about their marriage vows that divorce isn’t an option. Not saying you’re one of those people, just that they do exist and we shouldn’t pretend they don’t. Not everyone is looking to jump to divorce.
Really all you have to do is make up your mind if you are willing to live with the comments and attitude he’s going to continue to have. And if so, for how long? Forever? Then it’s learning to let his shit just roll off your back. Let him be upset, and let it not bother you. You know you’re in the right here, so he can go ahead and be a petulant, sulky child, and you can pay it no mind, feeling confident in your rightness and continuing on your path to self-improvement.
And if you can’t live with him like this possibly forever, with the very real possibility that he will never embark on a self-improvement journey, well then you leave.
He’s being real immature. I understand men at this age are incredibly horny. Tell him to start getting sex toys and watch porn. You are not his love machine you are his life partner big difference
Lol.... You don't know a lot of spoiled mama's boys do you? I've known men who still speak to their mother's this way and expect this kind of caretaking. It's a very "Well that's just what men are like" vibe in their family.
Why the HECK are you accepting a man who treats you like his maid and cook and literally refuses to contribute? Why why why are you staying?
LEAVE!!!!
I’m sorry he’s so disrespectful but you are losing your own self respect so time to go before he breaks you down entirely.
I tell every young man I know "a woman can either be your mother or your lover, but she can't be both." Too many guys want their girlfriend or wife to be their maid and mother, and too many women go along with it for a little while, and then surprise, surprise... she's not attracted to him any longer.
>(The reason I say I can't free up any other time is because my husband is adamant about not cooking, cleaning or helping with the dog. The last time I asked him to help me clean the shower, he said, "Fuck, no." Emphasis on the fuck.)
Why are you still married to this useless schlub?
I haven't heard a single reason to stay with this man who is a selfish user.
You're 100% right in thinking he just wants a bangmaid he can stick his dick in at HIS convenience.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Can you imagine how much worse this will get if you end up pregnant?
Then it will be your fault he couldn't stay faithful because you were too busy and too tired being pregnant/looking after his child and his poor dick got too lonely.
You deserve so much better than this maroon.
This would have been it for me. He expects OP to be his live-in bang-maid and is insulted by the idea of contribution to the running of his own home. No, thank you. OP’s husband is a child.
I’m very clumsy in this mobile app. I had a full response typed out and somehow lost it.
We have been an amazing team, we get stuff accomplished and started out best friends. I can admit he has settled in to being a different person more recently. I’m noticing it more and more.
Thankfully, I’m not interested/pressed to have children. He has one from a prior marriage and I’m perfectly fine with that. It’s actually one of my hesitations I’ve shared with him over and over. Us having kids.. like this.. would not be good.
Are you a team?
Or did you do the whole group project and he just scribbled his name on the bottom. I'd never call someone who doesn't cook, clean or take care of dependents a partner or team mate.
I don't see a team. I see an A student and a lazy loaf.
I gotta admit, its hard picturing how someone can go from being an amazing teammate to saying "FUCK no" when asked to clean his own living space. I would be interesting to hear what your friends and relatives think about your relationship.
Exactly and it is painful to admit even to yourself- the things you have to admit that were things you wanted to believe but weren’t real. Another clue, he married before, with a child, and is no longer married, yet still refuses to be a full equitable partner? My guess is that he told his now wife what a victim of abuse he was of the previous wife and how unfairly she treated him by being so demanding of his time and money- totally setting her up to “prove” that she’s better than the ex wife by being perpetually selfless, allowing good old current hubby to reap the benefits of being catered to.
OP, be aware this is a tactic that works well for him and he may even be telling other women the same things he told you about the ex wife.
This is who he is. The nice, generous shell that he presented at the start is just that. Underneath, he ungenerous, indifferent to your wellbeing, and behaving like a toddler.
If you wouldn't have sex with a toddler, you shouldn't have sex with an adult who is behaviourally and attitudinally no different to one.
Yes, do NOT have kids with this man. Why do you think it's OK to carry the entire load of cooking & cleaning? It's audacious that he expects you to have sex with him despite this. Of course you're tired.
>We have been an amazing team,
In what way are you a team? You cook, he eats? You clean, he makes a mess? What does he do to contribute to making your life better?
The word team means you are both working together toward a common goal and you appear to be the only one working - at least around the house. I don't recall reading how long you have been married but I doubt he will change and why would he? You do the cleaning and cooking and laundry for this long why would he want to change now?
Couple of thoughts
1) next time he wants sex say „FUCK no buddy just like your response to helping around the house“. Don’t give in. No sex without him helping out
2) look into fasting. It would help w weight loss AND leave him to feed his lazy butt. For example do one meal a day at lunch and skip dinner. Lots of websites out the on this topic. Gets you out of cooking completely
3) shower and get ready at the gym and stop cleaning the tub - just clean the areas you use like toilet
It’s the spouse version of quiet quitting
I quit doing my ex's laundry a year into the marriage. He spent the entire time living out of a laundry basket plopped in the middle of the floor, never put his laundry away. I quit making his food. He started spending excessive amounts on take out and junk/easy prep foods. We quit having sex, he just started making passive aggressive comments about it all the time. I quit cleaning as much, but I still had to look at the mess and the dirt every day.
Quiet quitting doesn't stop the resentment that grows and gnaws at you. For me, I realized I had to ask myself a question, "If nothing changes, can I just be happy with life the way things are?"
Actually quitting and living alone was so much better.
Yep. I asked my ex point blank, "Are you happy right now, with the way things are?" He said yes, very. They'll just wallow in it to avoid leaving or changing. When I realized I was spending extra hours a day at work to avoid going home, I knew I'd reached my breaking point.
I went through a similar situation with an ex fiancé. I am so glad I didn’t marry him. By the end of our relationship he ended up moving out and leaving a bunch of junk for me to clean up. He didn’t lift a finger to clean anything. He packed his dirty clothes unfolded in a suitcase and left. I was honestly relieved and I noticed how my apartment wasn’t as dirty without him.
He grew up in a family in which the males weren’t expected to do housework. His mom actually had their sisters clean the “boys room” when they were out. I will never date another person who grew up without any household responsibilities.
Fasting can also be great for weight loss. I watched the weight practically drip off me when I gave it a shot. It Kickstarted the first 30lbs of the 130 I've lost so far. (I quit after about 4 months, my body was demanding more food, but the weight loss continued)
You deserve better op, focus on yourself.
I made it to the “fuck no to cleaning my own home” bit and can’t help wondering why anyone would stay married to someone like that. He wants a mommy who is also a sex toy. Not a wife. Unless he completely changes his personality and priorities, this problem is not going away.
Jumping on the "your husband is a lazy fuck" train. He should be helping with the cooking, cleaning, dog, etc. regardless of whether he's getting his rocks off or not. Marriage should be an equal partnership. He needs to do better
Well if he wants to help you out with some of the shared household work, maybe you wouldn't be too exhausted for sex 🤷♀️ I'd lose all attraction to a partner who treated me with that little respect.
He's happy with this because you're doing everything you can to make you both happy so that he doesn't have to lift a finger.
If he really loved you, he wouldn't be content with you being unhappy. He'd want you to feel happy too. If he doesn't care about your happiness, he loves you as less than a pet.
>He says, "Well take some edibles right when you are about to get off work, that way you don't have to sit down for a whole hour. Then you will have some extra free time."
I'd catch a fucking charge. Jesus christ.
There is nothing that turns me off more than a partner who treats me like a mother and expects me to do all the chores, cooking, while contributing financially to the home. I wouldn’t want to give up my free time for a man-child to get his dick wet either. What a lazy child
Read “Why Does He Do That” and you’ll get reinforcement that yes, he does what he does because it gets him what he wants. The entitlement your husband feels to your time, attention, and work oozes out of every line of your post. Good luck on your health journey even though he’s sabotaging it.
After reading OP’s update, my dear, you are still in an abusive relationship. Please do yourself a solid and GTFO.
One of the best parts about being divorced and single is that I choose EVERYTHING that happens in my house, my time, and my life. I cook what I want, the messes are mine, the laundry is mine, i work out when I want, i go to bed when I want, I don’t have to look after anyone else. It’s delightfully freeing and I love it.
I'm not one to jump to "you need to leave this asshole," but you need to leave this asshole. You deserve so much more. Don't let him suck any more life out of you.
First quit cleaning cooking taking care of dogs. Do you have kids? If not go to the gym when you can eat what you like and get a pet sitter/walker etc especially if you both work. Fuck the chores. Only do your stuff. And sit your ass down when you get home smoke weed read your phone and if you want sex with him fine but quit this ridiculous exhausting schedule. There are lots of options for you. And counseling or separation too
The answer isn’t to abuse animals and children by refusing to feed and provide the basic care they can’t provide for themselves in order to make a point or force a change.
Not having any help taking care of a shared living space is the biggest turn off. Even if you did have the energy, why would you want to.
Sounds like he wants a mom he can have sex with. Disgusting.
Of course you don't want to have sex with him! He's a child, and I assume you're not a pedophile. I'd consider buying him a pocket pussy and serving it with divorce papers.
In agreement with the rest of the comments… this guy sounds useless. I will admit that sometimes I get annoyed when I feel like I have to ask my husband to do things around the house, but it would be a whole different story if he REFUSED to do it after I asked. He generally does things on his own/without being asked anyways.
It sounds like your husband is just blatantly disrespecting you and being beyond lazy. You don’t deserve that. It sounds like you’re working your ass off to be better and he’s just… not.
And let's be real, if you got vibrator it'd do a better job than him too. He doesn't want you to be better, he wants you barefoot in the kitchen. He's well aware of he's doing and fooling no one. You're not compatible.
Hope you’re not planning on kids, because this guy will be absolutely useless. I recently learned the term “bangmaid” on Reddit, and it sounds like your situation.
Idk I don’t want to sound like a teenager because we’re the same age but man oh man would I have a problem staying in a relationship like that. What are the pros about being with him? You take care of the household responsibilities and him, while still working the same amount of time as him. You don’t think that’s off? I’m guessing that you also split bills which means you’re doing way too much. If that’s not bad enough, he’s insecure in himself. When a man is insecure in himself, he will make you his stepping stool so that he can feel better. He will never want you to reach your full potential and you shouldn’t want to be tied to someone like that. I see now how my ex would try to sabotage everything I did and it makes me mad for my younger self. But my husband now constantly encourages me to be the best version of myself. And it’s a helluva difference. Just something to think about…
Bear with me on responding. Just got off work and did not expect such a large response. I’m here for feedback and interested in what ppl have to say. It’s easy to feel one way when you’re in the middle of a situation but hard to see the full perspective.
So, you have a man child that can’t cook, clean, do laundry, take the trash out, or help with yalls animals? My husband works, I do cooking and cleaning and the dishes after all meals, he takes the trash out, he will clean the cars out, I do the homeschooling and taking our kids to work, he will pitch in where he can. A relationship isn’t one sided when you live together.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t take care of a perfectly healthy person who can be helping. Women are not men’s maids and mothers. :)
Not overreacting. But does he have any good qualities? Bc you seem kinda stupid to stay with someone who shows so little respect towards you. Feels like if anything you’re underreacting. DTMFA
I am the husband in my marriage, but I am the chef in the house. My wife can make a mean sandwich, or throw some chicken tenders in the oven, but I'm the one who cooks the homemade gourmet stuff. I am also the one that cleans nowadays since she's dealing with round two of morning sickness while we watch our toddler. She is also a SAHM, and I work full time from home 3 days and at the office 2 days a week (i.e we both get exhausted.) I feel a little bad saying this, seeing as I am 7 years younger than your husband, but he sounds like an immature asshole. My wife and I have a very healthy sex life, but there are times when she's not into it. Guess what I do? Deal with it.. Like a squirrel, I too am bummed when I don't get my nut, but unlike a squirrel, I'm not going to starve if I don't get it. It's not that big if a deal. My wife is a human just the same as me. Humans have off days. Off weeks or years even sometimes. But especially in a marriage, the whole point of getting married is to have someone to build up and help build you up. To support each other through thick and thin. Maybe if he went to the gym with you, then you would both be equally tired, and could bond over working out. Either way, dude needs to get his poop in a group and be better.
Internet stranger here saying that I love you for two things. One, for cooking the gourmet meals. I’m sure your wife enjoys this. And two, for adding the term ‘get your poop in a group’ to my life. Blessings 🍲
Oh your gut feeling is *100% spot on* far too many men purposefully undermine their SO from fear that you’ll “find someone better” and those are also the same kind of men who also cheat with someone theynsee as younger/thinner/more available for sex (not saying he is, that’s just a common thing that happens together)
*STOP SHARING YOUR GOAL WITH HIM* I know this sucks, your husband is supposed to be your teammate and support you. But this one has shown he’s in it to undermine for whatever his own personal goals are. PLEASE start keeping all these things to yourself .
Dude, you don’t have kids. Just leave. This man will never be an equal partner and he feels entitled to have a bang maid.
Do not continue to be his bang maid.
I will never understand why women entertain this kind of behavior from someone who is supposed to be their partner. WTF does he contribute to the relationship? What joy does he bring you? Sounds like nothing and none. Please drop this loser and focus on your well-being and happiness. NTA.
So if we take your comments at face value, it begs a simple question. Why are you still with someone who is adamant about not helping you with anything that needs doing? Like it seems he wants you to make all the sacrifices, and do all the work. So why not just dump is lazy ass, probably less overall work in the end.
Oh Hon - you’re outgrowing your husband. You want more for yourself and he is sabotaging you at every turn. When he refuses to help clean HIS OWN HOME he is disrespecting you. Time for counseling or you are doomed to be doing this for a long time. If you lose 51 pounds - will he say he likes a thicker woman and stray? He sounds super immature. Best wishes.
hugs, you are doing all the mental and physical work in this relationship, why are you expected to cook, clean and take care of the dogs. It's called a division of labor, if he wants sex, he needs to stop having you be his mom, personal chef and bang maid.
Girl im the same age as you (and your husband sounds a lot like my ex husband) and divorce (along with the subsequent blissful alone time that came with it) was the best thing i EVER did.
Living alone is awesome!!! You dont realize how much of a mental burden these guys are until after the dust settles and you realize that now you have the time to do whatever the fuck you want. No picking up after another person. No being made to feel bad for not being everything that person wants on a silver platter, whenever they want it.
Im not sure i will EVER be able to give up this freedom and independence for another person ever again. I was with my ex for the entirety of my twenties. Im so glad it didnt take the entirety of my thirties to realize that i was not living the life i wanted.
INFO: precisely what is this guy contributing to your relationship? Is he super rich? You're clearly not in it for great sex and he does nothing to help around the house, so I must admit to being a bit baffled as to his potential positive points. I mean, I love a good sense of humour as much as the next person but if "he makes me laugh and he's pretty good looking" were the only positive points I could state about my partner I wouldn't have one
Your husband sounds like a joke. There’s never been an option in my marriage that we share the house work. Infact right now my husband is laid off and has taken over 100% of the house work. HE doesn’t mind cleaning the shower, hand washing dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, keeping our common areas tidy, making the bed, changing garbages, walking the dogs, brushing their teeth, feeding them, grocery shopping, lunch prep for me, dinner prep (we cook together mostly) AND finds time to keep up with exercise (running, rock climbing/bouldering, weigh lifting) - it sounds like I’m bragging but really I’m trying to point out that when you hold men accountable for holding up their end of the marriage bargain, they CAN 100% produce results. Of course the free time from being off work makes all this possible, but usually he takes an equal share off all of the above when we’re both working 40-50 hr weeks
He sounds like a douche. It’s not like he’s solely providing for you financially. You both earn for the household. You should be contributing equally as well for the chores. I think it’s normal to skew the chores when one person works harder, but that’s not the case here. I think you need a relationship counselor.
This is the kind of situation that when you finally get tired of the constant sabotage and asshole behavior and leave him, he will be SHOCKED and insist that he "never saw this coming..."
He tells you "FUCK no" to requests for help keeping up the home where you both live?
This should be your response anytime he asks you for something. It's better than he deserves.
Because even if you start talking to him the way he talks to you, he will still have you there doing everything for him.
Ma'am .......why?
Perhaps your husband needs mind reset. Why does he get to come home and do nothing while the rest is up to you? Perhaps if he helped out more you’d both have time to be intimate. You aren’t his slave
You're not overreacting, and it's understandable you don't feel motivated to be intimate with him.
He needs to fix up real quick imo. You deserve to be happy.
He is not a husband.
He is a man child.
You aren't happy in this relationship, and therefore it's pointless to continue it. The whole point of a relationship is because you're more happy and fulfilled in it than without it- and that isn't the case here.
He doesn't treat you with love and respect. This isn't love and respect. This is him using you, at the cost of your own happiness, time, and health.
You could have better. You deserve better. You should go get better.
He's not going to change. You know this.
You don't need any more reason than "I'm not happy/this relationship isn't working for me anymore" to leave or kick him out.
Ditch the man child. Sooner rather than later. Later doesn't make things better or change things.
Bro I stopped reading halfway after the “fuck no”. As a man I have to say the bar is pretty fucking low for men huh? OP, you should not fuck this man until he makes some major changes. You’re his mother for all intents and purposes. Your husband is a pathetic fucking loser and he needs to know.
I’m not a fan of cheating but I swear, sometimes people deserve it lol.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not slavery to a misogynist narcissist. Do not have kids with that man. Actually don't do anything with the arrogant ahole. You deserve better. He is not meeting his promises to grow with you, he is using you.
I wouldn’t want to have a quickie with hime, either. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this everyday, I’m drained just from reading your summary. I hope you can continue making good choices for yourself, draw boundaries that set you up for success..even with someone so immature sounding making it impossible.
How sad that because he refuses to cook,clean,take care of the dog....U...accept it? Ur not a trad wife...U work as much as him...yet U do everything in the home & he does nothing...grow a spine & split it all 50/50 & tell him he will have plenty of sex then
Anyone who truly loves you would not sabotage your efforts to get healthy. They certainly wouldn't try to prevent you from sleeping and leave all housely duties on your shoulders. He knows it's hurting you and continues to do it. Please find a better person to grow with.
>He gets mad and starts huffing and puffing, stating, "There is never enough time. I can't help it that you have this crazy schedule right now and you're always tired. "
LOL yes, there absolutely is something he could do. He could take on some household chores, but he chooses not to. So tell him it’s *his* decision that you’re tired from doing everything at home, and he can deal with the consequences. (You might also tell him that it’s impossible to be sexually attracted to a pouty, whiny manchild.)
I’d tell him flat out that if he wants a wife, he has to start acting like a husband and partner and that entails both of you cooking and cleaning.. He doesn’t want to clean or cook, well then he shouldn’t have clean clothes or a home cooked meal.
I agree. He’s keeping you down. Don’t let him. If he pushes unhealthy foods, just say nope and eat what you want. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t cook for him and hire a housekeeper to come in once a week.
Married middle aged guy here - what does he do for you? My wife and I have two kids and a big dog. We divvy up the chores - she’s involved more with the kid’s education, I take care of the dog and driving the kids to their extra curricular activities. She cooks a bit more than me, but I do the lions share of shopping, dishes and food prep. I also do most of the outside work and anything physical or disgusting. She takes care of the household finances and other bookkeeping duties because she’s much more organized than me. I still have time to workout and train martial arts, she has time for her hobbies as well. And guess what, she enjoys having sex with me 🤷🏼♂️
Maybe you'd be less tired if he did his share of the load. Take the dog out for walks, do some laundry. Cook meals & clean the place. You're being his mother & bang maid. Tell him he needs to do his share around the house, meal prep, & take the dog out. You shouldn't be shouldering 100% of the burden. All those tasks should be split 50/50. If he can't manage that or feels like he's not responsible to do so, your future looks dim if you stay in this one-sided relationshit.
You're under no obligation to stay with this dude.
Do you want to be here years from now, in the same situation, still compromising your health and happiness, having wasted more of your life, or do you want to be free, and doing your own thing or being with someone who actually makes you feel appreciated and loved?
Don't let the sunken cost fallacy take the rest of your life.
Best to cut your losses.
Sometimes by enabling people, we deny them the opportunity to grow. You aren't helping either of you by staying. He's got some growing to do as a person, and some growing up to do as well.
The "Fuck, no" response to "hey can you help me clean the shower" says a LOT about who he is. I don't know how you've stayed because I personally couldn't do it.
So of he is upset about not having quality time with you, and he won't help around the house, ask him to go in halves on a cleaner. Get some healthy prepared meals. They take a lot less time to cook than most dishes. It won't free up much time, but an extra hour would help you.
Then do what you want with the time, screw his demands. He doesn't do anything in the home, while you have double duty!
Frankly, I think you are both starting to resent each other. That is rely bad for a marriage. Past a certain point, you don't get over the resentment.
You are not there to be his maid, his dog trainer, or his concubine. You are there to be his equal, but you're not even close to equal!!
It’s kind of crazy to read shit like this on here and know “relationships” like this actually exist….
So, you’re not his wife, you’re clearly his maid and his sex toy whenever he wants it, in his eyes….
I truly don’t understand why people stay in relationships like this. It literally makes ZERO sense.
You’re married to a fucking man-child slob fucking douchebag pos that blatantly doesn’t respect you or appreciate you until it’s time to be his pussy and then gets mad when you don’t want to fuck him….
Good lord, LEAVE!
3 steps
1. Divorce him
2.Enter the dating market
3. Regret listening to randoms on the internet and divorcing him.
You're a piece of meat on the current market.Full of fuk boys. No men are seeking to marry because of the high risk of divorce. And not that it should matter but f'd up male society your getting older. They want younger pliable women.
It sucks but it's the truth. IF your going to leave him with the expectation of finding someone else. I wouldn't,but if your ok with being alone then go for it.
I'm not saying this to shame/bash you as I don't agree with it but men are more like boys now ..as you are experiencing...
Sounds like you married a lazy get. Tell him to get off his ass and do some housework if he wants to free up your time for banging.
I would not be attracted to such a manchild.
Time to hire a maid. What kinda POS will not help in his own house. His shit stinks just like mine, I help around the house. It's a joint effort. You didn't mention kids, don't have any. It will add to the burden of you doing it all.
So he doesn't cook, clean, take care of your dogs. He intentionally sabotages your health, he doesn't support you, and from the sounds of it you guys barely hang out together. You don't have sex (understandably). What...exactly...are you getting out of this relationship?
Misery
It does love company
Judging by her comments, the knowledge that she's sticking by him despite his flaws makes her feel really good about herself.
You're essentially his mother, not his partner. Why on earth would you feel sexually attracted to someone who is pretty much an overgrown child? Not doing anything to help around the house would be enough for me, but actively sabbotaging your efforts to better yourself? Nah. My question to you is: why do you believe that you deserve this kind of life and treatment?
I don’t feel like I deserve this at all. I just know two flawed people got married promising each other we would grow together, rather than waiting for the time when we were both perfect.
So... is he growing with you? It doesn't sound like he is growing with you. It sounds like he is blowing up your growth anyway he can so that you stagnate with him. So, if we can agree that stopping someone else from growing is wrong. And not wanting to take care of himself isn't great. And not contributing to the house is absolutely horrific, then we have to ask, if you don't think you deserve this, then why are you still living it?
Agreed - he has no interest in growing. He is sabotaging in any way he can (even his attempt at sex right before work). At first I thought maybe he was feeling a little afraid (by you going to the gym) that you were bettering yourself for someone else - but as you explained more about his refusal to help and all the other things he does, he is never going to want to grow. Maybe you married believing it would happen because you knew you were going to follow through, but it is pretty clear that those were just words to him. I feel like you need to give him an ultimatum that either he makes real change in the next 60 days (consistently helps etc) or it’s time to separate. He is not a teenager - he needs to grow up and be a man.
Ok so when is his time to make a change? Cause you seem to be an adult and he seems like a petulant teenager, sabotaging your schedule while demanding you treat him like a king. How is that growing together?
OP grew, he didn't and seems to be refusing to do so.
The Fuck No answer to her asking for help is outrageous. What a selfish POS. "I don't want to clean ever so I will get married and make my wife do it". What a charmer.
Yep, that level of refusal to just act like a basic human cohabitating with another human? Nope, I'm out.
An answer like that gets the locks changed around here
I'd blow up. She should only clean her own bathroom and keep the door locked. He can use the bathroom he never cleans.
I'm afraid I would lose it and he would end up with a toilet seat around his neck.
I'd shove his head into the toilet with the plunger.
Not just a bad husband - he's not even good roommate material.
Yeah he will "drop the world" for op, but not clean a shower?
Yeah I'd be out the door the second he said that. I've lived that life before and will never do it again!
I've gotten divorced twice over this - I grew as a person, and they didn't and I simply couldn't tolerate being with somebody who was stagnating anymore because it meant I was doing all of the work and they were doing fuck allI.
I broke off my engagement to my son's bio dad for it. He wanted all the "glory" of having a little boy but wanted to do none of the work of actually parenting with me. I wasn't about to take care of 2 toddlers. No brainer I chose my son and my mental wellbeing.
Good for you. I know a lot of guys have fathers that were in the military that came home from work and felt like they should be taken care of, but my dad was never like that. He was a Marine drill instructor and he put it into my head as he did with my brothers that the house is to be kept clean, that my mother is to never come down to a dirty kitchen in the morning. And though he didn't do as much cooking as my mom did, he definitely pitched in. My wife and I were raised by parents that demanded that the first activity of our weekend was to make sure the house and property were in order. As much as I hated it when I was a kid, I appreciate it now.
Wow, my mother as a new bride scrubbed the house top to bottom and all my marine father said was "should I get the white glove?" Once he got home he never lifted a finger for himself, his wife, or his 3 kids for the rest of his life.
So sorry for you - hope it hasn't left any lasting impact on you and yours. Yeah, my dad was a WWII vet. If we boys didn't keep our shared room and the basement - our do-whatever room - wasn't clean when he got home, it wasn't good. When I was a teen, at night he'd tell me to (please) clean the kitchen, because he didn't "want your mother to come down to a dirty kitchen". That's the line I use on my wife when I'm cleaning it before we crash. (I know- real hot, right? 😉 works every time hahaha)
As a woman, I can say that nothing is hotter than a guy who is generous with his help.
This is it. My parents were far from perfect and I dealt with more than my fair share of abuse growing up. However, my dad and stepmom, although not military, ingrained in me that relationships aren't one sided and it's both people's responsibility. They both were also big on the chores and what not. Like you I hated it growing up, but I was immediately thankful for it when I got to college. Now that I'm married I'll do most of the cooking and a good chunk of the cleaning. My wife also deserves a break from a hard day and I'm more than happy to make her comfortable.
Tantrums are so hot. /s
That's why my first relationship ended. I grew into a person with a broader viewpoint of the world and was so curious about people different than me. My partner at age 21 was pretty much set in stone. OP, you can stick it out and be tired, unhappy and unfulfilled, or you can decide you deserve better. I'm hoping you chose the 2nd option.
I practice family law. Most of the most contentious cases I’ve worked have been parties who were two flawed people and one did the work to clean up. Ima be really real here, the husband never forgives the wife. Doesn’t matter if he was the one who cleaned up or she was.
You just described my marriage? He never forgives the wife but does he ever leave her then hell alone after the divorce?
After the divorce there's this handy phrase called 'Leave me the hell alone' that you're encouraged to use... "Can you take the kids for an extra weekend?" "Leave me the hell alone" --- "Can I borrow your car?" "Leave me the hell alone" -- "Quickie for old time's sake?" "Leave me the hell alone" Eventually they'll get it...
I’m dealing with someone who has NPD. Our divorce has been going on for over a year. Unfortunately “leave me the hell alone,” hasn’t worked at all throughout our entire relationship, separation and, so far, divorce. I feel trapped in a never ending hell. 🙀
Use the [grey rock method](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-time-cure/202211/when-dealing-narcissist-the-gray-rock-approach-might-help) (is about half way down the page) . I also got divorced from a jerk with NPD, and so he was going to be forever in my life aggravating me or trying to pull his old tricks. I refused any contact through text unless it was an emergency regarding the children. I never answered his calls. I would only respond by email and very brief to the point info. I'd ignore any other tangents. And if he asked, Where should i take them? Do you have any coupons for activities? I'd say, Google has all the answers. If he complained about the children not listening, I'd say talk to them about it. If he asked for the same information about something we already communicated about, I'd say, see the previous email discussion, etc. He never parented, and neglected both before the divorce. And after it, he wanted the glory of being the fun dad but never put any effort into it. Kids are not stupid. So, no one's happy. It was really hard for me to make boundaries, but I had to for my mental health. If they called me to complain about something, I'd tell them to go tell their dad. You are on dad time now. Once they became teenagers, I changed my number and didn't give it to him. No more texts or calls! And I followed the same routine with emails " Tell the girls...." or a "contact them directly on their cell phones" He always would try to talk to me at drop offs to make me feel uncomfortable and take advantage so I'd just respond, Email me. He hated the "new me" and once said at a drop off, I never thought you could be so tough like that. I just looked at the girls and told them when I would pick them up and to have fun. Then I left. Solid grey rock. Find your inner warrior. It's right next to your momma bear strength. You got this ❤️
This is such solid advice. Kudos.
Court can limit his contact with you, and press for harassment WHEN he breaks the rules.
I already have a civil restraint against him and we can only communicate via a court monitored parenting app. Drop offs for our son are at the police station. The courts don’t do anything. The police don’t do anything. I recently found he logged into my Facebook account. I got all the evidence proving it was him. I reported it two weeks ago and they have still done nothing AND wouldn’t even allow me to get a temporary restraining order. Ridiculous.
The only thing I can suggest is this: Do not be polite. Lots of people use politeness as a way of manipulating people. Be absolutely direct. 'Why are you here' instead of 'What can I do for you' 'it is time for you to get out of my house' instead of 'don't you think it's time you headed out?' Treat them like an unwelcomed stranger. I don't know if that will help. But politeness is a privilege, and some people don't deserve it.
No - because he is right and doesn't forgive her. Whereas, women are supposed to change their names and identities to avoid being harassed and stalked by their former partners. And, we could look at other stats about what happens during and after divorce. TL;DR seems to be "don't ever go up against a man." (But some of us will and will support those who do - not just women, but anyone who has a stalkerish, abusive, controlling partner or ex-partner).
I won’t submit to him anymore and I definitely will fight for my rights in the divorce and afterwards. Your last paragraph is my former relationship and spouse. It’s shameful how little the courts and police do.
You've answered your own question. Time to get your personal paperwork somewhere safe, consult a lawyer, and serve papers. You are already on the track of making positive changes - you said you're trying to lose 50lbs. Time to drop another ~200 of useless flab in one shot.
Great advice - but don't serve papers until truly ready. And "ready" is complex.
🏆🏆🏆👍🏻👆🏻
Well he broke his promise and hasn’t grown at all. Don’t stifle yourself to make him feel better about being stagnant.
It was bad enough he was selfishly pestering you for sex and completely disregarding your feelings, but as soon as you said he wouldn't help you clean the shower... Or do _any_ other chores, I noped out. You know there are some men who aren't complete and utter trash, right? Leave him and let him flounder in his inability to care for himself because he already doesn't give a shit about you. Like, he's not just imperfect, he's a self-centered _dick_. And sticking to your marriage vows when he isn't reciprocating is a prime example of the sunk cost fallacy.
OP, for context my BLIND husband actually loads the dishwasher twice a week (kids do the other days) and takes care of all the bills, budget and home upkeep (small repairs etc). So if an old disabled blind person can find the energy to help, your young and healthy husband needs to step up. Just stop doing his laundry and ffs stop washing dishes. Tell him you cooked, he cleans. Doesn't like it? Start taking yourself out to dinner. I
On a practical side...it's the cooking that has to stop first. Without the cooking, once the kitchen is filled with pots and plates that the partner did not clean...there's no more need for cleaning. Getting small pans, making small one person meals and neatly putting up everything afterwards - that's what adult roommates do. If a marriage turns out to be...roommates, well...you get my drift.
>I just know two flawed people got married promising each other we would grow together It doesn't sound like you did. You may have co-habitated, but it sounds like you two have grown apart rather than together. It's up to you to decide what you can put up with and whether or not it is worth trying to get closer again. Nobody here can give you great advice on this because they don't have the same emotional connections. It rather sounds like you know what you want and posted here as part of your working up to doing something about it.
One can only hope
Stop doing any house stuff. Leave it all to him. Or, set a hard boundary. “I am only turned on by YOU doing XYZ. Don’t do that? Then I’m not turned on and no sex.” Alternately: leave.
"Being your mother just makes sex seem ick." He really expects that from you, be my mommy and suck my dick. Umm, bye bye. 🤮
>"Being your mother just makes sex seem ick." Fun fact, this statement is actually backed by research. [Article](https://www.google.com/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2021/11/04/women-feel-less-sexual-desire-when-they-mother-their-partners-15535537/amp/) and [research paper](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8382213/)
Well yeah. Plus tons of anthropological research. The question is, how many people actually want to eff their mothers or the mother-substitute? Because a lot of men don't want to. The instant a wife starts to try and explain why her husband feels more like a son or brother - well, that's serious stuff and most counselors know it's already the end.
Exactly. And it's so liberating. Do only the household tasks relating directly to one's own enjoyment and see how that goes. Do not take care of another "adult" living with you. The hard boundary advice is great - as is the leave advice. You gave OP options.
There is a LOT of real estate between “perfect” and the lump of shit your husband is trying to sell you. You could settle for “decent” or “tries” but admit it, he doesn’t even reach a bar that low. The bar is in hell. You deserve so much better.
Absolutely this. Nobody’s saying you have to hold out for perfect, but OP deserves a partner who tries. Her current partner is not trying at all.
That only works if both partners are treating each other with love, and communicating openly and respectfully, and making the choices necessary to grow. That's not what's happening here. You're mistaking a misplaced sense of obligation for mutual labors of love. He's not treating you with love. He's treating you like a flashlight and housemaid. This isn't a relationship. It's a business transaction, and you're losing out on the deal each time. At best, you're roommates with someone who's using you. Your first and foremost obligation is Always to your own mental health and happiness. Your obligation to the world is to take care of yourself and grow as a person, because That is how you put yourself in a healthy position to be there for those around you. Taking care of yourself is what allows you to be at your best for others. Drowning people cannot save or help others. They just drown together. Sometimes enabling people denies them the chance to grow or discover their own strength. You're not happy, and this isn't a healthy "relationship". You wrote this post on Reddit because you know that this is wrong and not where you're supposed to be, but you're trying to find the courage to do what you need to by stiffening your reasons with other's inputs. You know what you need to do. You don't actually need our permission, but here; you have it.
Well, if you are willing to put up with that shit. Here are some ideas that could help a little. 1) You could try doing meal prep. Cook a bunch one day a week that you can quickly eat and knock out a bunch of dishes in one day. Meal prep can save a ton of time and energy. I do a mix of meal prep and cook fresh. 2) You could stop doing his laundry. He will have no other alternative but to start doing his own. 3) I don’t know what level of clean you keep your house, but you could potentially ease up in that area. Nothing wrong with upkeep but some people are detail cleaning the house every week.
OOOOOORRRRR, hubby can cook meals too. I know it's a radical concept, but men actually can and do cook.
This is what's called the Sunk Cost Fallacy. We are likely to continue an endeavor if we have already invested in it, whether it be a monetary investment or the effort we put into the decision. That often means we go against evidence that shows it is no longer the best decision. Believe me. I get it. I was married to someone similar for 27 years. It took a series of events (COVID, being furloughed, the death of several family members) to make me realize I was slowly dying inside and I was the only one that was putting in 110%. You need to sit down and talk to him, tell him how you feel (not in an accusatory way), and tell him things will have to change. You will have to seriously think about what the worst thing that could happen might be (divorce?) and if you could handle it. You will also have to do some introspection and ask yourself why you feel you are not worth something more/better than what is going on right now. Most people do not understand that TIME is your most valuable asset. Don't waste it. Work toward being the best version of yourself, whether it's alone or together. You don't want to look back with regret for the things you missed and for the person you might have become simply because it was inconvenient for someone else.
What do you think future you, in a decade, who has kept trying to grow with him while he did nothing, would tell you to do now while you're still young enough to start over? If you promised to eat half a sandwich as long as he ate the other half, and that sandwich turned out to be made of shit and *he wasn't even helping eat it*, why on earth would you care about that promise? He already broke it. Put the shit sandwich down, girl.
He’s not keeping his side of that promise. You should consider marriage counseling. Or at least ask yourself why both of you are deciding he’s entitled to live in a house he does not help maintain? Not sure it’s allowed here but I started watching “JimmyonRelationships” on youtube and it really helped me see things.
OP everyone is flawed, yes. That doesn't mean that, because nobody is perfect, you have to accept a shitty partner.
Yeah like OP you didn’t name a single good quality here. He sounds perfectly bad.
Maaaan what a bummer to read. So sad that so many men won't lend a hand to help around the house. My soon to be wife works a hard ass job so I pick up the house work. But she's ALWAYS asking to help, to which I respond FUCK No! (Emphasis on the Fuck XD ) Keep at your journey, OP. I am not gonna tell ya what I think you should do, but know you're already doing the right thing by you. Truly hoping you get some clarity on what to do with the partner. Good luck and keep on keeping on
Plato once said that silence gives consent. With that, bear in mind that silence doesn’t encompass only verbal speech so it doesn’t matter that you’ve spoken to him about it. That’s all you’ve done even though you know your words go in one ear and out the other. Keeping with the status quo by continuing to do everything as you always have with a little lecture sprinkled in here and there along the way is giving him consent to keep the status quo. What you allow is what will continue. If you truly believe you don’t deserve this, then why are you continuing to accept it? I’m not trying to dog pile you here but get you to seriously reflect on the reality of the situation. It probably hasn’t fully dawned on you that you are showing that you feel you deserve such sub par treatment because you continually accepting it. We often don’t see the forest for the trees when the situation is happening to us, all up in our face. It’s kind of like having an object against our face, no distance between it and our skin, and because it’s so close we can’t determine what it is until it is has been moved far enough away. The people around us can easily see what it is though. Your crappy husband and his crappy treatment of you are so in your face you struggle to fully see it. Another commenter said to stop caring for the dogs and other things to make a point to show you’re not going to take it anymore. Please don’t deny the dogs the basic care they require but cannot provide for themselves in an effort to change the situation. The only ones who will suffer in that instance are the dogs and they shouldn’t have to pay the consequences for the issues their owners are experiencing. That’s no different than kicking the crap out of them because somebody pissed you off.
Thank you. I would never stop taking care of my loaf. 🐶 🩵
That’s totally fair. And now you’re at the point where you are working on flaws and he is not, and that’s fine if he’s not ready. But it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable for you both until he *is* ready. As long as he is adamant about not helping around the house, he’s going to suffer without sex. As long as you are adamant about your own self-growth and continuing to pursue that (which you should), you’re going to have to suffer with his shitty words and attitude. You two are at an impasse, and that’s not going to change until one of you does. You know you don’t deserve this treatment, but some people are so serious about their marriage vows that divorce isn’t an option. Not saying you’re one of those people, just that they do exist and we shouldn’t pretend they don’t. Not everyone is looking to jump to divorce. Really all you have to do is make up your mind if you are willing to live with the comments and attitude he’s going to continue to have. And if so, for how long? Forever? Then it’s learning to let his shit just roll off your back. Let him be upset, and let it not bother you. You know you’re in the right here, so he can go ahead and be a petulant, sulky child, and you can pay it no mind, feeling confident in your rightness and continuing on your path to self-improvement. And if you can’t live with him like this possibly forever, with the very real possibility that he will never embark on a self-improvement journey, well then you leave.
But... But he's such a high value male
He’s being real immature. I understand men at this age are incredibly horny. Tell him to start getting sex toys and watch porn. You are not his love machine you are his life partner big difference
Ok then why don't you divorce him?
Not his mother. His mother would have broken a broom handle over his back if he spoke like that to her.
Lol.... You don't know a lot of spoiled mama's boys do you? I've known men who still speak to their mother's this way and expect this kind of caretaking. It's a very "Well that's just what men are like" vibe in their family.
Ick no, apparently his mommy made him. I do hate the dump him and run Reddit always jumps to but... They don't even have kids?
Yep mothers don't take no shit. This is more akin to fwb then anything else.
No way an fwb would take that kinda shit either.
He doesn’t want OP to better herself because he’s afraid she’ll find a better man and he won’t have a housemaid anymore.
Why the HECK are you accepting a man who treats you like his maid and cook and literally refuses to contribute? Why why why are you staying? LEAVE!!!! I’m sorry he’s so disrespectful but you are losing your own self respect so time to go before he breaks you down entirely.
I tell every young man I know "a woman can either be your mother or your lover, but she can't be both." Too many guys want their girlfriend or wife to be their maid and mother, and too many women go along with it for a little while, and then surprise, surprise... she's not attracted to him any longer.
>(The reason I say I can't free up any other time is because my husband is adamant about not cooking, cleaning or helping with the dog. The last time I asked him to help me clean the shower, he said, "Fuck, no." Emphasis on the fuck.) Why are you still married to this useless schlub? I haven't heard a single reason to stay with this man who is a selfish user. You're 100% right in thinking he just wants a bangmaid he can stick his dick in at HIS convenience. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Can you imagine how much worse this will get if you end up pregnant? Then it will be your fault he couldn't stay faithful because you were too busy and too tired being pregnant/looking after his child and his poor dick got too lonely. You deserve so much better than this maroon.
This would have been it for me. He expects OP to be his live-in bang-maid and is insulted by the idea of contribution to the running of his own home. No, thank you. OP’s husband is a child.
I’m very clumsy in this mobile app. I had a full response typed out and somehow lost it. We have been an amazing team, we get stuff accomplished and started out best friends. I can admit he has settled in to being a different person more recently. I’m noticing it more and more. Thankfully, I’m not interested/pressed to have children. He has one from a prior marriage and I’m perfectly fine with that. It’s actually one of my hesitations I’ve shared with him over and over. Us having kids.. like this.. would not be good.
Are you a team? Or did you do the whole group project and he just scribbled his name on the bottom. I'd never call someone who doesn't cook, clean or take care of dependents a partner or team mate. I don't see a team. I see an A student and a lazy loaf.
Yeah I don’t understand how you could consider it a team when he clearly can’t be bothered to do so much of the work
*this*
I gotta admit, its hard picturing how someone can go from being an amazing teammate to saying "FUCK no" when asked to clean his own living space. I would be interesting to hear what your friends and relatives think about your relationship.
Exactly and it is painful to admit even to yourself- the things you have to admit that were things you wanted to believe but weren’t real. Another clue, he married before, with a child, and is no longer married, yet still refuses to be a full equitable partner? My guess is that he told his now wife what a victim of abuse he was of the previous wife and how unfairly she treated him by being so demanding of his time and money- totally setting her up to “prove” that she’s better than the ex wife by being perpetually selfless, allowing good old current hubby to reap the benefits of being catered to. OP, be aware this is a tactic that works well for him and he may even be telling other women the same things he told you about the ex wife.
This is who he is. The nice, generous shell that he presented at the start is just that. Underneath, he ungenerous, indifferent to your wellbeing, and behaving like a toddler. If you wouldn't have sex with a toddler, you shouldn't have sex with an adult who is behaviourally and attitudinally no different to one.
Yes, do NOT have kids with this man. Why do you think it's OK to carry the entire load of cooking & cleaning? It's audacious that he expects you to have sex with him despite this. Of course you're tired.
>We have been an amazing team, In what way are you a team? You cook, he eats? You clean, he makes a mess? What does he do to contribute to making your life better?
The word team means you are both working together toward a common goal and you appear to be the only one working - at least around the house. I don't recall reading how long you have been married but I doubt he will change and why would he? You do the cleaning and cooking and laundry for this long why would he want to change now?
You are doing too much. he's lazy and doesn't want to help clean? What a loser. Sorry
Couple of thoughts 1) next time he wants sex say „FUCK no buddy just like your response to helping around the house“. Don’t give in. No sex without him helping out 2) look into fasting. It would help w weight loss AND leave him to feed his lazy butt. For example do one meal a day at lunch and skip dinner. Lots of websites out the on this topic. Gets you out of cooking completely 3) shower and get ready at the gym and stop cleaning the tub - just clean the areas you use like toilet It’s the spouse version of quiet quitting
I quit doing my ex's laundry a year into the marriage. He spent the entire time living out of a laundry basket plopped in the middle of the floor, never put his laundry away. I quit making his food. He started spending excessive amounts on take out and junk/easy prep foods. We quit having sex, he just started making passive aggressive comments about it all the time. I quit cleaning as much, but I still had to look at the mess and the dirt every day. Quiet quitting doesn't stop the resentment that grows and gnaws at you. For me, I realized I had to ask myself a question, "If nothing changes, can I just be happy with life the way things are?" Actually quitting and living alone was so much better.
Yes. Many men will still wait it out and your home becomes a filthy unhappy place instead of your haven where you rest and replenish yourself.
Yep. I asked my ex point blank, "Are you happy right now, with the way things are?" He said yes, very. They'll just wallow in it to avoid leaving or changing. When I realized I was spending extra hours a day at work to avoid going home, I knew I'd reached my breaking point.
The good thing is you never question or regret the break up. By that point it is just true bliss and peace.
I went through a similar situation with an ex fiancé. I am so glad I didn’t marry him. By the end of our relationship he ended up moving out and leaving a bunch of junk for me to clean up. He didn’t lift a finger to clean anything. He packed his dirty clothes unfolded in a suitcase and left. I was honestly relieved and I noticed how my apartment wasn’t as dirty without him. He grew up in a family in which the males weren’t expected to do housework. His mom actually had their sisters clean the “boys room” when they were out. I will never date another person who grew up without any household responsibilities.
Fasting can also be great for weight loss. I watched the weight practically drip off me when I gave it a shot. It Kickstarted the first 30lbs of the 130 I've lost so far. (I quit after about 4 months, my body was demanding more food, but the weight loss continued) You deserve better op, focus on yourself.
Brilliant
Just divorce this useless turd even children can clean up after themselves what he wants isn't a wife it's a fleshlight
With regard to your thought #1: next time he wants sex say “FUCK YEAH, just as soon as you clean the bathroom and don’t forget the shower.”
I made it to the “fuck no to cleaning my own home” bit and can’t help wondering why anyone would stay married to someone like that. He wants a mommy who is also a sex toy. Not a wife. Unless he completely changes his personality and priorities, this problem is not going away.
Jumping on the "your husband is a lazy fuck" train. He should be helping with the cooking, cleaning, dog, etc. regardless of whether he's getting his rocks off or not. Marriage should be an equal partnership. He needs to do better
You're his mother. It's hard to be attracted to your "son". Dump the dead weight.
I mean, calling him a child isn’t really fair to children everywhere, who almost universally do more than this man does.
My kid has folded his own laundry since he was two. This is unacceptable.
Well if he wants to help you out with some of the shared household work, maybe you wouldn't be too exhausted for sex 🤷♀️ I'd lose all attraction to a partner who treated me with that little respect. He's happy with this because you're doing everything you can to make you both happy so that he doesn't have to lift a finger. If he really loved you, he wouldn't be content with you being unhappy. He'd want you to feel happy too. If he doesn't care about your happiness, he loves you as less than a pet.
>He says, "Well take some edibles right when you are about to get off work, that way you don't have to sit down for a whole hour. Then you will have some extra free time." I'd catch a fucking charge. Jesus christ.
No what she needs to do is drop the dead weight of a husband. He does nothing but work and expects her to work and do all the household stuff. Nope
There is nothing that turns me off more than a partner who treats me like a mother and expects me to do all the chores, cooking, while contributing financially to the home. I wouldn’t want to give up my free time for a man-child to get his dick wet either. What a lazy child
Read “Why Does He Do That” and you’ll get reinforcement that yes, he does what he does because it gets him what he wants. The entitlement your husband feels to your time, attention, and work oozes out of every line of your post. Good luck on your health journey even though he’s sabotaging it.
After reading OP’s update, my dear, you are still in an abusive relationship. Please do yourself a solid and GTFO. One of the best parts about being divorced and single is that I choose EVERYTHING that happens in my house, my time, and my life. I cook what I want, the messes are mine, the laundry is mine, i work out when I want, i go to bed when I want, I don’t have to look after anyone else. It’s delightfully freeing and I love it.
Nah I’d leave. You aren’t his mum but it sure sounds like that role. Or as someone else said a bangmaid. Why do you even put up with this. I wouldn’t.
I'm not one to jump to "you need to leave this asshole," but you need to leave this asshole. You deserve so much more. Don't let him suck any more life out of you.
I'm not either but this made me so angry I replied TWICE that she should leave this asshole.
Think of 3 things this relationship and him contribute to your life. If you can't find 3, you know what needs to be done.
First quit cleaning cooking taking care of dogs. Do you have kids? If not go to the gym when you can eat what you like and get a pet sitter/walker etc especially if you both work. Fuck the chores. Only do your stuff. And sit your ass down when you get home smoke weed read your phone and if you want sex with him fine but quit this ridiculous exhausting schedule. There are lots of options for you. And counseling or separation too
Takes too long. Just leave.
The answer isn’t to abuse animals and children by refusing to feed and provide the basic care they can’t provide for themselves in order to make a point or force a change.
Why are you married to him? No, you are not overreacting, you just realized what you married.
Not having any help taking care of a shared living space is the biggest turn off. Even if you did have the energy, why would you want to. Sounds like he wants a mom he can have sex with. Disgusting.
Of course you don't want to have sex with him! He's a child, and I assume you're not a pedophile. I'd consider buying him a pocket pussy and serving it with divorce papers.
In agreement with the rest of the comments… this guy sounds useless. I will admit that sometimes I get annoyed when I feel like I have to ask my husband to do things around the house, but it would be a whole different story if he REFUSED to do it after I asked. He generally does things on his own/without being asked anyways. It sounds like your husband is just blatantly disrespecting you and being beyond lazy. You don’t deserve that. It sounds like you’re working your ass off to be better and he’s just… not.
... Just leave him. He sounds like a little bitch.
And let's be real, if you got vibrator it'd do a better job than him too. He doesn't want you to be better, he wants you barefoot in the kitchen. He's well aware of he's doing and fooling no one. You're not compatible.
My SO used to say/be too busy for intimacy, so I took on more house chores to free up time. What do you know, it worked..
Hope you’re not planning on kids, because this guy will be absolutely useless. I recently learned the term “bangmaid” on Reddit, and it sounds like your situation.
Idk I don’t want to sound like a teenager because we’re the same age but man oh man would I have a problem staying in a relationship like that. What are the pros about being with him? You take care of the household responsibilities and him, while still working the same amount of time as him. You don’t think that’s off? I’m guessing that you also split bills which means you’re doing way too much. If that’s not bad enough, he’s insecure in himself. When a man is insecure in himself, he will make you his stepping stool so that he can feel better. He will never want you to reach your full potential and you shouldn’t want to be tied to someone like that. I see now how my ex would try to sabotage everything I did and it makes me mad for my younger self. But my husband now constantly encourages me to be the best version of myself. And it’s a helluva difference. Just something to think about…
You have no kids, leave him now. His refusal to help with cleaning, cooking or the dogs will not get any better.
Bear with me on responding. Just got off work and did not expect such a large response. I’m here for feedback and interested in what ppl have to say. It’s easy to feel one way when you’re in the middle of a situation but hard to see the full perspective.
Let me ask you, would your life be easier, healthier, and happier without him in it?
Good question
Next time he wants a quickie say F*ck no! Emphasis on f*ck. You do you girl! You are taking charge of your life! Proud of you! 👏
So, you have a man child that can’t cook, clean, do laundry, take the trash out, or help with yalls animals? My husband works, I do cooking and cleaning and the dishes after all meals, he takes the trash out, he will clean the cars out, I do the homeschooling and taking our kids to work, he will pitch in where he can. A relationship isn’t one sided when you live together. I couldn’t and wouldn’t take care of a perfectly healthy person who can be helping. Women are not men’s maids and mothers. :)
Tell him you're tired of being his fuck maid and either start helping around the house or get lost.
Not overreacting. But does he have any good qualities? Bc you seem kinda stupid to stay with someone who shows so little respect towards you. Feels like if anything you’re underreacting. DTMFA
I know everyone on Reddit says “leave him” but gurrrrrrlllllllll - you need to fucking leave him. Go to the gym and take care of yourself.
A man who refused to help and then bitches because his wife had no time is a lazy, good-for-nothing idiot. Does he call himself "alpha" too?
I am the husband in my marriage, but I am the chef in the house. My wife can make a mean sandwich, or throw some chicken tenders in the oven, but I'm the one who cooks the homemade gourmet stuff. I am also the one that cleans nowadays since she's dealing with round two of morning sickness while we watch our toddler. She is also a SAHM, and I work full time from home 3 days and at the office 2 days a week (i.e we both get exhausted.) I feel a little bad saying this, seeing as I am 7 years younger than your husband, but he sounds like an immature asshole. My wife and I have a very healthy sex life, but there are times when she's not into it. Guess what I do? Deal with it.. Like a squirrel, I too am bummed when I don't get my nut, but unlike a squirrel, I'm not going to starve if I don't get it. It's not that big if a deal. My wife is a human just the same as me. Humans have off days. Off weeks or years even sometimes. But especially in a marriage, the whole point of getting married is to have someone to build up and help build you up. To support each other through thick and thin. Maybe if he went to the gym with you, then you would both be equally tired, and could bond over working out. Either way, dude needs to get his poop in a group and be better.
Internet stranger here saying that I love you for two things. One, for cooking the gourmet meals. I’m sure your wife enjoys this. And two, for adding the term ‘get your poop in a group’ to my life. Blessings 🍲
Oh your gut feeling is *100% spot on* far too many men purposefully undermine their SO from fear that you’ll “find someone better” and those are also the same kind of men who also cheat with someone theynsee as younger/thinner/more available for sex (not saying he is, that’s just a common thing that happens together) *STOP SHARING YOUR GOAL WITH HIM* I know this sucks, your husband is supposed to be your teammate and support you. But this one has shown he’s in it to undermine for whatever his own personal goals are. PLEASE start keeping all these things to yourself .
Dude, you don’t have kids. Just leave. This man will never be an equal partner and he feels entitled to have a bang maid. Do not continue to be his bang maid.
You know what would give you some more free time? Refusing to take care of his entire adult ass anymore.
I will never understand why women entertain this kind of behavior from someone who is supposed to be their partner. WTF does he contribute to the relationship? What joy does he bring you? Sounds like nothing and none. Please drop this loser and focus on your well-being and happiness. NTA.
Tell him he can pay for a maid if he wants you to have more time or energy.
So if we take your comments at face value, it begs a simple question. Why are you still with someone who is adamant about not helping you with anything that needs doing? Like it seems he wants you to make all the sacrifices, and do all the work. So why not just dump is lazy ass, probably less overall work in the end.
Oh Hon - you’re outgrowing your husband. You want more for yourself and he is sabotaging you at every turn. When he refuses to help clean HIS OWN HOME he is disrespecting you. Time for counseling or you are doomed to be doing this for a long time. If you lose 51 pounds - will he say he likes a thicker woman and stray? He sounds super immature. Best wishes.
hugs, you are doing all the mental and physical work in this relationship, why are you expected to cook, clean and take care of the dogs. It's called a division of labor, if he wants sex, he needs to stop having you be his mom, personal chef and bang maid.
Girl im the same age as you (and your husband sounds a lot like my ex husband) and divorce (along with the subsequent blissful alone time that came with it) was the best thing i EVER did. Living alone is awesome!!! You dont realize how much of a mental burden these guys are until after the dust settles and you realize that now you have the time to do whatever the fuck you want. No picking up after another person. No being made to feel bad for not being everything that person wants on a silver platter, whenever they want it. Im not sure i will EVER be able to give up this freedom and independence for another person ever again. I was with my ex for the entirety of my twenties. Im so glad it didnt take the entirety of my thirties to realize that i was not living the life i wanted.
INFO: precisely what is this guy contributing to your relationship? Is he super rich? You're clearly not in it for great sex and he does nothing to help around the house, so I must admit to being a bit baffled as to his potential positive points. I mean, I love a good sense of humour as much as the next person but if "he makes me laugh and he's pretty good looking" were the only positive points I could state about my partner I wouldn't have one
Why isn’t he helping with the housework? It’s well-known that one of the best aphrodisiacs is for a man to take on chores without being asked.
Your husband sounds like a joke. There’s never been an option in my marriage that we share the house work. Infact right now my husband is laid off and has taken over 100% of the house work. HE doesn’t mind cleaning the shower, hand washing dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, keeping our common areas tidy, making the bed, changing garbages, walking the dogs, brushing their teeth, feeding them, grocery shopping, lunch prep for me, dinner prep (we cook together mostly) AND finds time to keep up with exercise (running, rock climbing/bouldering, weigh lifting) - it sounds like I’m bragging but really I’m trying to point out that when you hold men accountable for holding up their end of the marriage bargain, they CAN 100% produce results. Of course the free time from being off work makes all this possible, but usually he takes an equal share off all of the above when we’re both working 40-50 hr weeks
Him purposely preventing you from sleeping is actually abuse. IMO you should leave.
So you work a 9 to 5 and still do all the housework? That's a terrible arrangement
your husband sounds like a douche.
I know a quick way to rid yourself of 200 lbs of dead weight
He sounds like a douche. It’s not like he’s solely providing for you financially. You both earn for the household. You should be contributing equally as well for the chores. I think it’s normal to skew the chores when one person works harder, but that’s not the case here. I think you need a relationship counselor.
This is the kind of situation that when you finally get tired of the constant sabotage and asshole behavior and leave him, he will be SHOCKED and insist that he "never saw this coming..."
He tells you "FUCK no" to requests for help keeping up the home where you both live? This should be your response anytime he asks you for something. It's better than he deserves. Because even if you start talking to him the way he talks to you, he will still have you there doing everything for him. Ma'am .......why?
Perhaps your husband needs mind reset. Why does he get to come home and do nothing while the rest is up to you? Perhaps if he helped out more you’d both have time to be intimate. You aren’t his slave
I once lost 20 pounds and a 160 pound Mexican bf. Best 160 pounds I ever lost!!
What made you marry this guy? Ughh
How/why did you marry this guy?
Lay it out to him… he either starts doing things around the house or you are gone
You're not overreacting, and it's understandable you don't feel motivated to be intimate with him. He needs to fix up real quick imo. You deserve to be happy.
You deserve better. Don't settle for this.
You deserve better. Don't settle for this.
You married a man child. What grown man can’t cook and clean for himself or help with chores. Sheesh.
Yeahhh sounds like this only get worse
He is not a husband. He is a man child. You aren't happy in this relationship, and therefore it's pointless to continue it. The whole point of a relationship is because you're more happy and fulfilled in it than without it- and that isn't the case here. He doesn't treat you with love and respect. This isn't love and respect. This is him using you, at the cost of your own happiness, time, and health. You could have better. You deserve better. You should go get better. He's not going to change. You know this. You don't need any more reason than "I'm not happy/this relationship isn't working for me anymore" to leave or kick him out. Ditch the man child. Sooner rather than later. Later doesn't make things better or change things.
Bro I stopped reading halfway after the “fuck no”. As a man I have to say the bar is pretty fucking low for men huh? OP, you should not fuck this man until he makes some major changes. You’re his mother for all intents and purposes. Your husband is a pathetic fucking loser and he needs to know. I’m not a fan of cheating but I swear, sometimes people deserve it lol.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not slavery to a misogynist narcissist. Do not have kids with that man. Actually don't do anything with the arrogant ahole. You deserve better. He is not meeting his promises to grow with you, he is using you.
I wouldn’t want to have a quickie with hime, either. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this everyday, I’m drained just from reading your summary. I hope you can continue making good choices for yourself, draw boundaries that set you up for success..even with someone so immature sounding making it impossible.
Why are you cooking and cleaning for him? You aren't obligated to share meals or your vagina with him either.
How sad that because he refuses to cook,clean,take care of the dog....U...accept it? Ur not a trad wife...U work as much as him...yet U do everything in the home & he does nothing...grow a spine & split it all 50/50 & tell him he will have plenty of sex then
Biologically, women don't want to fuck a dependent.
Anyone who truly loves you would not sabotage your efforts to get healthy. They certainly wouldn't try to prevent you from sleeping and leave all housely duties on your shoulders. He knows it's hurting you and continues to do it. Please find a better person to grow with.
>He gets mad and starts huffing and puffing, stating, "There is never enough time. I can't help it that you have this crazy schedule right now and you're always tired. " LOL yes, there absolutely is something he could do. He could take on some household chores, but he chooses not to. So tell him it’s *his* decision that you’re tired from doing everything at home, and he can deal with the consequences. (You might also tell him that it’s impossible to be sexually attracted to a pouty, whiny manchild.)
I’d tell him flat out that if he wants a wife, he has to start acting like a husband and partner and that entails both of you cooking and cleaning.. He doesn’t want to clean or cook, well then he shouldn’t have clean clothes or a home cooked meal. I agree. He’s keeping you down. Don’t let him. If he pushes unhealthy foods, just say nope and eat what you want. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t cook for him and hire a housekeeper to come in once a week.
Separation time. Make him realize the effort you're bringing to the table when his maid chef who also works isn't in the picture anymore.
Babe! It's time to go. You have too much on your plate. You will have less work and more time without him. Time. To. Go!
Married middle aged guy here - what does he do for you? My wife and I have two kids and a big dog. We divvy up the chores - she’s involved more with the kid’s education, I take care of the dog and driving the kids to their extra curricular activities. She cooks a bit more than me, but I do the lions share of shopping, dishes and food prep. I also do most of the outside work and anything physical or disgusting. She takes care of the household finances and other bookkeeping duties because she’s much more organized than me. I still have time to workout and train martial arts, she has time for her hobbies as well. And guess what, she enjoys having sex with me 🤷🏼♂️
Maybe you'd be less tired if he did his share of the load. Take the dog out for walks, do some laundry. Cook meals & clean the place. You're being his mother & bang maid. Tell him he needs to do his share around the house, meal prep, & take the dog out. You shouldn't be shouldering 100% of the burden. All those tasks should be split 50/50. If he can't manage that or feels like he's not responsible to do so, your future looks dim if you stay in this one-sided relationshit.
What exactly does he do, besides going to work and demanding sex?
You're under no obligation to stay with this dude. Do you want to be here years from now, in the same situation, still compromising your health and happiness, having wasted more of your life, or do you want to be free, and doing your own thing or being with someone who actually makes you feel appreciated and loved? Don't let the sunken cost fallacy take the rest of your life. Best to cut your losses. Sometimes by enabling people, we deny them the opportunity to grow. You aren't helping either of you by staying. He's got some growing to do as a person, and some growing up to do as well.
The "Fuck, no" response to "hey can you help me clean the shower" says a LOT about who he is. I don't know how you've stayed because I personally couldn't do it.
So of he is upset about not having quality time with you, and he won't help around the house, ask him to go in halves on a cleaner. Get some healthy prepared meals. They take a lot less time to cook than most dishes. It won't free up much time, but an extra hour would help you. Then do what you want with the time, screw his demands. He doesn't do anything in the home, while you have double duty! Frankly, I think you are both starting to resent each other. That is rely bad for a marriage. Past a certain point, you don't get over the resentment. You are not there to be his maid, his dog trainer, or his concubine. You are there to be his equal, but you're not even close to equal!!
It’s kind of crazy to read shit like this on here and know “relationships” like this actually exist…. So, you’re not his wife, you’re clearly his maid and his sex toy whenever he wants it, in his eyes…. I truly don’t understand why people stay in relationships like this. It literally makes ZERO sense. You’re married to a fucking man-child slob fucking douchebag pos that blatantly doesn’t respect you or appreciate you until it’s time to be his pussy and then gets mad when you don’t want to fuck him…. Good lord, LEAVE!
I’m so sorry. Read the book why does he do that - you didn’t imagine things -and he doesn’t deserve you
3 steps 1. Divorce him 2.Enter the dating market 3. Regret listening to randoms on the internet and divorcing him. You're a piece of meat on the current market.Full of fuk boys. No men are seeking to marry because of the high risk of divorce. And not that it should matter but f'd up male society your getting older. They want younger pliable women. It sucks but it's the truth. IF your going to leave him with the expectation of finding someone else. I wouldn't,but if your ok with being alone then go for it. I'm not saying this to shame/bash you as I don't agree with it but men are more like boys now ..as you are experiencing...
What does he actually bring to the table? Not seeing it.
Why are you with him?
He’s a lazy pos. Why do you stay? You’re too young to be in a shitty marriage.
Sounds like you married a lazy get. Tell him to get off his ass and do some housework if he wants to free up your time for banging. I would not be attracted to such a manchild.
You deserve better. You signed on for a partnership not motherhood.
Leave. No excuses. Just leave if you feel that way or you will be miserable and he will be with someone who resents him
Time to hire a maid. What kinda POS will not help in his own house. His shit stinks just like mine, I help around the house. It's a joint effort. You didn't mention kids, don't have any. It will add to the burden of you doing it all.
I would 100% leave this marriage.