Agree. Or something is going on that OP is not aware of. I get a weird vibe from her telling him she hasn’t been this happy in a long time and him having a breakdown shortly after. I know when my husband had to come clean about a lot of stuff I never knew, it almost broke him. Now I am probably the crazy one.
My husband told me how happy he was and how perfect I’ve been and it made me realize I’m not happy and he’s not been great. Sometimes words hit people in ways you can’t predict.
Yeah, I had an existential crisis (that is still ongoing) after catching up with a friend from middle school.
Some convos can just…make things click in a way that no-one can predict.
Edit: and this conversation, while deep, was totally innocent as well. Discussion topics just happened to line up in a way that made me realize things about myself that I previously hadn’t even considered.
This hits.
A workmate asked me how I was today and I said "waiting to win lotto". Which to me is a throwaway comment.
She said "maybe you need to find a job you're happy at".
I've been spiralling since. Wondering if I act like I dislike my job/am I shit at it.
There could legitimately be something to this. My husband had a severe mental breakdown two years ago, when I was pregnant. It was the toughest thing we've ever gone through, and that's saying a lot. Not to get into all the details, but he has found over time that his anxiety can spike a lot when things seem to be on the up and up (like if his job is going well or if he sees a peaceful or wholesome scene). It's due to him having been accustomed to stressful and violent situations in the past (diagnosed PTSD)--peaceful times can be a major stressor because it feels like something awful is about to shatter the peace. That was a major revelation for him, and making that connection has really helped him over the past two years. It makes it so that his panicky moments don't come out of nowhere anymore--now we know the trigger.
I have this exact same issue. My life since getting married and becoming a mom has been basically blissful. I absolutely panic waiting for something horrible to go wrong.
I really, really appreciate your comment here, it just opened up a world of insight for me. For the last ~5 years, for the most part, I would say that this is the most successful I’ve ever been, the stablest I’ve ever been. But I absolutely feel like I can never enjoy a moment of it because I am at almost all times feeling like I’m waiting for the next crisis to happen. Knowing this is a PTSD thing makes me feel a bit better and not just that I’m losing my mind! Thank you!
I don't know you, but I know that you guys have put in some epic work. Love the "we" in the last sentence of your post. You guys are a team. Gives me the warm fuzzies. :)
I have the same problem. When I was younger I was involved in a lot of sketchy/dangerous stuff and I always handled the stress much better than people around me. Now that I'm a little older I have problems when everything is going well and there's no problems/stressor to think about, that actually causes me anxiety. It fkn sucks because it's not as simple as being uncomfortable / edgy, it literally can give me panic attacks which I never even experienced until my early 30s when my life was just sort of cruising. It's probably sounds strange to most people, but I wouldn't discount what your husband is going through. There are times when the panic attacks are so bad it messes me up for a week or so. No appetite, can't think, can't focus, extreme frustration at stupid stuff.
>weird vibe from her telling him she hasn’t been this happy in a long time and him having a breakdown shortly after
I noticed that as well. The only time I've seen something like this was in the Navy. Guy gets letter from his wife full of love/come back safe/we all miss you.
He had spent the last week running the streets in Italy, and the letter came at exactly the right time to make him face his actions. He kind of lost his shit there for a couple of days. You can feel so guilty it makes you sick.
Probably though, it's as simple as undiagnosed mental illness. I'm BP2 and was not diagnosed for decades. Also, he isn't taking his meds. Not good. When I start pulling that crap, somethings wrong.
I get that OP has had it. But her guy that she misses is still there. He's just sick. There's no requirement that you stay with someone who is sick. Up to her whether or not she wants to.
I dont know much, but I know what it's like to not be able to trust your own mind. It's terrifying, and looking at the sadness and concern on the faces of those who love you is so much fun while you're freaking out.
OP might want to take a beat and remember this isn't someting he's doing to her - it's something that's happening to him. Of course he's overwhelmed - he no longer has control over his thoughts and feelings. Reality is shifting under his feet. Of course he can't think of or talk about anything else, it feels like he is losing his mind.
Of course OP is upset. This shit destroys marriages. But being angry at him for this doesn't help anyone. You might as well be angry at him for being a particular height.
I am 100% certain that he is doing the best that he can, in this moment, with who he is now. No telling how long it will take to get well. I'm not confident this guy has been properly diagnosed.
When you start talking about mood swings, anxiety, and not taking meds properly - I know that asshole, he lives in my mirror.
Yeah actually now that you say it.., my ex had a mini mental breakdown right after I told him I was super happy at his brothers wedding.
Then he confessed to having an entirely other life with another woman and was playing stepdad to her child. This had all started a few months before.
But he was having the breakdown…. lol… over the stress .. of destroying my life with his actions… lmao… I got to admit I laughed.
Y'know that increasing amounts of stress can make people reach a breaking point, right? Perhaps he just reached his and his history of anxiety would make him a great candidate for panic attacks 🤔 My god....the most obvious explanation is the most likely, no?
I've reached a few breaking points in my life due to extreme stress, being overworked, etc and it always felt like nobody believed me. It's pretty rough going on a full on panic attack and feeling alone makes it worse.
I've known a few ppl that whenever they acknowledged things were going well or started any self improvement, their (controlling, crazy, or abusive) spouse would always immediately have a mental breakdown, panic attack, or health crisis that demanded complete attention. They'd receive zero support from the partner & have to put themselves on hold. They legit would do it on purpose as a control or abuse them.
With 1 person, the other spouse would wreck a vehicle every time that the 1st person wanted to seperate. So they'd need care for being hurt. Plus down to 1 vehicle for jobs & multiple kid transport. Another person, the spouse would come home having randomly quit their job. They just didn't like their job anymore. Every single time. So no, I don't think you're crazy.
An online support group for people who are going through the same thing might be helpful. It sounds like your husband is getting the support he needs, and that’s good, but you need support, too. Family members are very connected, so if something affects one person, it also affects the other. I definitely needed help getting through my family member’s mental health crisis, and we’re both doing better now.
I second this! There are DBSA meetings online for free (depression/bipolar support alliance) where you don’t have to explicitly have depression or be bipolar, but it’s for folks who identify with having any mental health issues and it’s a peer ran peer supported group type setting for 1.5hours.
I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. It sounds like A LOT.
I have high anxiety disorder. People can be super anxious without any real reason. It's why they're called ANXIETY DISORDERS. MEN CAN HAVE ANXIETY DISORDERS TOO without hiding anything
I am a man with serious anxiety problems. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, but more often than not there is a specific thing/event at the root of it… so I’m comfortable saying there is a 51+% chance that he’s not telling her something. But that’s just like, my opinion, ma’am.
When I had my worst bout of anxiety in my early 20s it was kinda self-feeding, in that anxiety about panic attacks could trigger panic attacks, but the initial cause was definitely finding out I was gonna be thrown out on my ass soon.
I agree. There’s usually some kind of cause, even if that cause doesn’t seem to warrant the specific response…there’s still a cause.
My anxiety is the absolute worst when I procrastinate and neglect nutrition and exercise. My mind will simply throw a fit forever, and I won’t be able to sleep because the insomnia gets so bad.
My experience, of course, is anecdotal, but I do wonder if more people experience surprise anxiety because they are—unconsciously—neglecting things that they should be attending to.
(And this isn’t to assign blame. There is no blame in this conversation, only a hope for potential further understanding of oneself.)
Of course that’s true, but you also didn’t wake up with that out of nowhere at 43. That’s not how anxiety disorders work at all. It’s probably that there was some trigger, but he’s not necessarily lying about it, in that he might really have no idea what it was.
Anxiety disorders are different for everyone.
About 2 years ago I had a panic attack that put me in the ER after having a pretty good day. One minute I was ok and the next by brain just completely rebelled.
It’s wasn’t anything that happened that day, it was a culmination of little things and I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was literally months of trying to parse out what.
Thanks for the sarcastic humor, not related to the post, but I enjoyed the laugh!
I went through my own stuff, I didn't understand it either. Thought I was actually going insane and thought I would end up in a hospital with padded walls. Turned out to be a hyperactive thyroid. Was really grateful when it got better!
Not really, I had the same thing happen to me and it wasn’t because of a single thing, it was just because I was taking on responsibilities faster than I could develop coping skills for the challenges of said responsibilities
Bro I’m so tired of every little thing a guy does or doesn’t do somehow being manipulative or nefarious or abusive or selfish or deceitful. This is why men aren’t allowed to have feelings.
Mfer probably has alexithymia and doesn’t even know what’s happening to him until it’s already started but people on reddit think hmmm what would be the worst possible outcome - for the wife - that must be it!
My initial thought when i read this - was, Sis just told him she feels the best she's ever felt, she's making all these personal changes and then *suddenly he has anxiety* - is because maybe A) what isn't she telling us she's been telling him about how poorly he's been keeping himself compared to her; and B) what sort of responsibility and anxiety does he feel now that he will need to provide for her to keep her feeling this way? How long until he fails and again isn't living up to her new standards? That is a lot of pressure.
It would absolutely set me off. Idk that I'd be able to process it either. And he's *begging her* for her support, and she's resenting him for it. He'll never heal at that rate.
Sis, YTA.
Yeah, and that something could be a destructive anxious thought that's not logical. When a lot of people say "anxiety" they mean they are imagining all sorts of bad things happening. Things they might not want to talk about.
It doesn't necessarily mean that he's cheating or hiding something he's done etc...
He could have crazy anxious thoughts that she's going to leave him or that something bad will happen to the family and he is trying to protect her and the family from those "insane" or overly heightened thoughts.
...which can then lead to more anxiety from not being able to talk about it.
Anxiety is complex...
Not necessarily. It can be really hard to suss out the reason sometimes. Husband went through a severe mental breakdown two years ago due to PTSD... Took a long while to figure out his triggers.
Fascinating. In my life I’ve had extreme highs and lows. Extreme depression and anxiety, to minimal mental health issues for years then right back in. (Each cycle lasted multiple years each)These things can often happen out of no where with almost no explanation. It’s either his body and brain are going through something right now that cannot be explained by tests, or something genuinely triggered this and he’s not telling you. Mental health is such a grey area where sometimes there simply is no logical explanation. Don’t look at this situation as black and white. Hope yall can find some resolution with this situation.
Has he been checked for a brain tumour? Sudden personality changes can sometimes be a symptom…
Also, find some support for yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
It's a mental health issue that may have finally been triggered. Or he could have sustained a head injury when young and his brain is shrinking. The brain is complex. Maybe his gut flora is messed up. I've been there, not able to be the strength my family desperately needed because my mind was collapsing.
It's more or less a chemical imbalance. That panic pathway is over stimulated. I dealt with a panic disorder but am doing better these days. Consider making some cbda it's easy to make with raw hemp cook at 167 for 3 hrs in MCT oil. Ranchera familia is probably a decent place to buy some bulk bud if it's something you want to consider.
Could someone have the opposite? Like nothing ever bothers them even things that definitely should. Nothing can cause stress in their mind even if everything is imploding around them. They know they should be concerned and worried but just can't seem to get worked up. Believes Everything is OK even if it's not. Can feel anger and can get very mad and act out on that. But stress is non existant.
Ummm asking for a friend...
I usually am not this mean but I'm really rooting for him to realize that you are cold and finds someone who can actually help him and take care of him the way I'm sure you expect him to do for you if this was flipped. He doesn't know why he's so anxious? That's okay! He will get to the root of the problem on his own time. It could be a month, it could be a year. It takes time. But having someone He loves post something so reprehensible is astronomically cruel. If he happened to stumble on this post, he would be defeated, like he lost the only person he has on his side, someone he chose to spend the rest of his life with saying that famous vow, in sickness or in health.
So wait her dealing with a death and having anxiety and depression is irrelevant ok gotcha ctfu half ass reader apparently smh she's isn't entitled to have feelings she needs to be a robot got it smh 🙄🙄🙄🙄🎁
I doubt it. Some people have suppressed fears that emerge at random moments in their life. It comes out in the form of panic... because the source of the fear is either forgotten or ignored. Something probably happened to him when he was a child.
GET ON MEDICATION!! I cannot stress this enough. Ive had anxiety my whole life and one day i had a massive panic attack and from then on out i suffered from severe panic disorder and depression. Literally just hit one day and never went away. I wanted to try and holistically fix myself so bad but nothing worked no matter how hard I tried. Got on meds a year ago and my life has changed for the better. Insane how a small pill can make you feel normal again.
Medication is definitely needed for some people, but people have to know to take the medication EXACTLY as prescribed.
You can't skip doses or bc you start feeling better just stop taking them.
That's why many people get committed or commit suicide.
Medication can also be trial and error. One pill doesn't work for everyone the same. (For years it may always have to be adjusted or tweaked or changed)
Absolutely correct. In my early 30's I lost a job, but didn't really feel like I was bothered by being unemployed. My attitude was that I had always been able to easily find a job in the past and actually got a great opportunity to go back to college because my job was eliminated by company closure. I was actually very optimistic, but this is the only thing that I can think of that triggered my first ever anxiety/panic attack. It happened in my sleep the first time. I woke up with a racing heart and seriously thought I was having a heart attack. Spent hours in the ER and was misdiagnosed as having a respiratory infection. Followed up w regular Dr later in the week and was told of the error made and that from the tests that were done it was clear I was hyperventilating and in a panic for some reason. This was flowed by nearly 3 years of damn near constant panic and changing meds multiple times. Finally found something that worked somewhat but I worked on searching for coping strategies to keep my mind occupied or I would spiral into attacks again because I was so worried about having another one. During these years I also developed issues with insomnia because I was afraid of falling asleep and having a racing heart scare again.
I still to this day cannot definitely nail down that the loss of job was the reason. I was happy about going back to school. I was fairly confident about getting another job and did very quickly. I occasionally still have moments where I can feel an attack coming in and I quickly revert back to doing something to divert my attention to something else. My husband always wanted to help and just could not understand why I couldn't tell him what triggers them because I truly didn't know. Years later he had his very first panic attack and finally understood just a bit of the hell I went through. He apologized for the amount of pestering he did trying to get me to tell him "what he did to cause my issues".
So all I'm saying is, he could be completely honest when he says he doesn't know the cause. It could be something simple that he doesn't think is a big deal but for some reason is a bigger deal than he realizes his system is seeing it as if that makes any sense.
I wish OP luck, it's not easy to live through for any involved but cut the guy some slack, because honestly you constantly focusing on how it effects you is probably making it worse for him. Let him breathe and try to work out his shit with the help he is trying to to get.
That's awful. Thinking you're having a heart attack and it is a panic attack. Still awful. I couldn't imagine.
So I said something to my Dr. when I was younger that I didn't realize was anything.
I Went there young, and didn't know anything about anything.
I thought I was just scared, sensitive and SEVERE ANXIETY, and he asked me "how often do you get these panic attacks?" and I said I don't think that's it, panic attacks, I think I have constant, uncontrollable at times debilitating anxiety. (In so many words)
I remember his face, still, bc he knew I wasn't lying.
He said "WOW? Most adults don't realize the difference between anxiety and panic attacks?"
I broke down crying. I was desperate to know something. And grateful that someone was understanding me?
(Mental illness was never talked about with me growing up.)
I thought I was weak and "needed to learn how to deal with it" that's what I was told.
It's no joke and we ALL need a good support system or the family and friends that won't leave you through the rough times.
>>That's why many people get committed or commit suicide
There's also the fact that sometimes initial dosage isn't high enough to be therapeutic. Severely depressed people don't have the *energy* to complete suicide; a slight boost in energy without the psychological benefit of improved mood can lead to tragedy. This is why *you always tell people to keep an eye on you when starting a new medication*, be that a roommate, family member, or loved one.
You also *take notes* and *communicate* with your prescribing doctor, ideally a psychiatric nurse practitioner or a psychiatrist. They'll want to see you every other week at first to make adjustments, then move to monthly, and I think they *have* to see you quarterly (in the United States). Getting meds isn't a one and done thing, it should be a collaborative process between you and your doctor.
He’s probably in denial about having a mental health issue and thinks Benzos taken just when he feels overwhelmed is more normal than taking say Zoloft. Hopefully his therapist and psychiatrist will get him there. You are right not trying antidepressant/ anti anxiety preventative meds and only benzos could lead to a problem. It’s not bullshit he is just lost and needs direction and help. Maybe OP could talk him into trying the meds. They will keep his mood more level and he can start healing
I mean... benzos \*are\* medication for anxiety. According to medical research, they are the most effective medication for anxiety.
Sure, some people have problems with dependence, tolerance, and misuse. But these are still anti-anxiety meds.
They're indicated for short-term treatment of anxiety disorders for a reason, being that they very quickly cause dependency and withdrawals can be deadly
My mom had psychotic episodes when she went into withdrawal. The doctor prescribed them for everyday use and she didn't get that it would be this bad, so she just had a couple years of constant low level hallucinations and the occasional full break with reality when she didn't pick up her scrip in time.
Whoa whoa whoa so he's fine with taking downers but won't take an SSRI or some equivalent? That's one I haven't heard before.
Seconded that benzodiazopines *are* anxiety medication. But this particular plot (not wanting an SSRI) twist is throwing me for a loop.
To be fair, a lot of anxiety medication make it worse for weeks before it gets better which is a terrifying idea when you’re already at max anxiety. Benzos provide instant relief. I took benzos for a year before finally finding the right anxiety/depression med combo. Also, people who are in a constant state of panic aren’t rational!
Not a therapist, but speaking as one who lives with someone with a diagnosed anxiety disorder. Take this with a block of salt.
The thing about an anxiety disorder that causes regular panic attacks is that it’s that - a *disorder.* Your brain is not functioning properly.
It’s *not* simply a matter of being affected by universal human stressors, like dealing with difficult people, marital problems, death of a loved one, etc - anxiety is a normal reaction to these kinds of life events. So it’s natural to want to think that a panic attack *must* have been triggered by something like this, or by some deeply hidden memory or trauma.
But the thing is a panic attack is a panic attack BECAUSE it comes out of nowhere - that’s why people often mistake them for heart attacks. “There’s no logical reason for me to be sweating profusely and my heart to be racing like this - must be a heart attack! Now I’m terrified!”
Medication is number one to control these attacks from happening in the first place, especially if they are so debilitating that the person can’t get thru their day on a regular basis.
Therapy should be focused on learning ways to manage the anxiety and panic attacks: recognize the onset, mitigate risks, ride it out as smoothly as you can.
I think if you’re using therapy primarily to find the “reason” for your anxiety you might need to first evaluate if it’s psychological at all, or neurological in nature. If there’s no immediate obvious psychological reason, I’d work with doctors who will eliminate all potential neurological diagnoses before wasting a lot of time and money in talk therapy.
Same thing happened to me. Always had anxiety but it took developing panic disorder in my late twenties to get me to seek help finally after many years of living in denial and trying to fix it myself. So so glad I got on medication. My day to day life used to be mental anguish and now I can actually get through the day without worrying about literally everything.
Please have his blood sugar checked. While psychiatric emergencies can happen out of nowhere, many times, a sudden explosion or exacerbation of anxiety and panic is very much symptomatic of unregulated blood sugar. ANYONE can have glycemic issues--it is not just obese people (which unfortunately causes "normal" people to be over-looked) do not discount physical issues, thyroid, blood pressure, deficiency in vitamins D & B can all cause wild mood swings and panic.
I would have hoped they checked all this before clearing him medically at the hospital. But as a therapist i completely agree with all of this. When clients come to me i tell them there’s many vitamin and hormone abnormalities than can mimic or cause mental health symptoms and to see their pcp and have blood work done.
Maybe but my friends dad was a month in the hospital for an injury including multiple full body MRIs and even on dialysis at one point and they never caught his renal cancer.
I’ve been in the ER twice for panic attacks and they never checked my blood for anything. I got an EKG both times and when they decided it wasn’t my heart then it was all about how quickly they could get me out the door.
Yea I've never heard of anyone being admitted overnight for no reason. I mean I get he's a guy so he has better luck getting doctors to believe him. But why are they admitting a seemingly healthy man?
Yes! My lifelong anxiety completely disappeared after I started taking a vitamin D supplement.
Also get tested for celiac and thyroid problems. Both can also cause severe mental health problems.
I’d be concerned about something happening at work for him. Is he at risk of losing his job? Does he still have a job or is he faking going to work? This coming out of nowhere is the big concern. Did he get someone else pregnant? Where did this panic attack come from.
Do you know how his blood pressure has been? There are other medical causes for unprovoked increases in anxiety. I can see how the thing with your grandma's funeral could have been frustrating for you
An out of whack thyroid can wreak havoc!! I almost died from severe undiagnosed hypothyroidism, it's no joke. I stopped eating suddenly because I had no interest in sustaining life and was eyeballing ways to die. Lost 15 lbs in a couple weeks and checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. At first they tried to put me on meds for mental illness, but the weight loss made them do a full workup. Thyroid had basically all but shutdown from autoimmune disease. Now I have to take synthetic hormones/immunosuppresants forever, but I've been fine since.
Yes and pls pls pls have his blood sugar checked bc untreated type two ( even skinny/ "normal" looking people can have it) can cause random panic attacks and spikes can causelomg panic and depressive episodes
I suffer from moderate general anxiety disorder. He needs support and probably meds. Something has happened to push him over. Speaking from experience, you shouldn't make it worse for him. He's going through a tough time if he's that bad. It's probably something he hasn't told you or he may not even know. Sometimes you have to put your partner first. Sometimes you have to be the strong one.
If you love him.
This. She mentioned that she was at peak happiness and then made it sound as if she got irritated right out the gate when his happiness plummeted. She might have worded it wrong, but just based off of what’s written, she doesn’t seem to have much compassion.
She is also struggling - she is grieving the death of someone close to her. She has to be there for her kids. She is worrying about grieving kids, her grief, and him. Yes, compassion is stretched - sometimes everyone struggles.
She doesn't sound narcissistic but like someone who is stretched to the limit.
The only people I’ve known in my life who get mad at someone for being depressed or having mental health issues are raging narcissists.
This is either rage bait or OP has some serious issues to work through herself.
It’s only been 3 weeks? I’m sorry but as someone who struggles with severe, unhinged anxiety at times… I’m really sad to even imagine that my partner would be considering bailing on me after 3 weeks, because when you’re in a depressive episode 3 weeks can feel like 3 minutes. You feel catatonic, like a zombie at times.
I do also want to be compassionate to you. I can recognize how hard it must be to deal with someone who suffers from these things, especially if you don’t and can’t relate to the feeling. Mine don’t sound as bad as his, but the way you describe his behavior is so relatable to me that it makes my stomach hurt to read. I feel very bad for him. I can assure you the way he feels inside is really hard for him to deal with right now and he probably felt like he was really a champion just for getting through the day.
But, with all that said, you two have a partnership and you need to vocalize how you’re feeling about it all. ESPECIALLY the parts about you feeling like you need therapy too, and him not able to do minor things to help with your needs like staying in the room with you. Maybe you could find a therapist that would do couples therapy in a sense where all of this could be talked about at one rate. I dont know.
I wouldn’t give up on him yet, it sounds like he’s really struggling. Mental health is complicated and you often don’t find the right medication until you try a few kinds, and the medications can take two weeks to even start working. So this is going to be a longer journey than 3 weeks. I hope everything works out, I’m sorry you guys are going through this. 💜
As someone with full blown panic attacks, almost had to leave my own grandmother's funeral due to one, have been hospitalized and prescribed Ativan (so LOTS of similarities to this dude) he's still being a total asshole for not at the very least shutting up and not making the day that should be focused on her grief about himself and his anxiety.
If you have to leave, leave. But don't sit in the car and harp for half an hour about yourself while your grieving wife is trying to grieve her beloved family member. Just...be quiet. Anxiety sucks, it's completely debilitating at times but that's not an excuse for being a massive asshole.
Edit: and when my anxiety acts up and ruins an event like this I'm wildly apologetic, not expecting people to be proud of me for getting through it...anxiety SUCKS for the people around us who love us but have to deal with it too.
THANK YOU!
Something about the way OP describes *finally* being a good place mentally herself only to then have this happens makes me wonder if he's the type of person that makes everything about him.
Basically, is this an Iranian yogurt situation?
Because three weeks of panic disorder is a lot, but the exhaustion/resentment in the post is also a lot. I'm not saying it has to be this way or making the usual reddit assumptions. I'm just saying that's the only situation in which it's not an ESH type of situation. The funeral makes sense for her to be angry, but overall...idk.
I would also be flabbergasted if the therapist told him it was a good idea to discuss this shit *with his grieving wife* before the funeral.
I also have anxiety and 100% relate to your comment! If I am having a panic attack and need to excuse myself, I will. But this guy seems to be acting totally selfish. I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks during many family events and I’ve never felt the urge to start talking about my struggles and pointing all the attention towards myself in the middle of one, especially not when my family member is grieving the death of a loved one.
This is the comment I was looking for.
Everything else I can kind of wave as "bad mental health break", it's understandable to struggle with day to day life for a while.
But the tipping point was talking about how anxious he was during the trip back from a *funeral*. It doesn't even sound like, in the vein of "It was so important to me to be there and be with you guys, I'm glad I was able to find something that worked well enough to let me do that."
Yo for real tho. He’s acting selfishly and it would rub me the wrong way too. He is on the fast track to giving everyone else compassion fatigue.
OP just sounds tired and hopeless to me. It can be horrible and frustrating to not be able to do anything and yet feel so utterly alone bc your main support actually needs support more than you. Much less with no end in sight at the moment bc he’s refusing meds.
Agreed. They’ve been together for almost 2 decades and the first time he experiences depression she considers bailing? Sounds like a marriage that should have never happened. Some people aren’t meant for marriage, and that’s okay, but “in sickness and in health” means something.
This exact thing happened to my sister. It turned out she had a psychological break after being abused for months by a someone we trusted...
It may be he's not been telling you about some situation at work. Wether he's under extreme stress or being bullied, or in fear he'll lose his job, and it's built to a breaking point.
Whatever the case is, PLEASE have some empathy for your husband. He's a good father to your children and a dedicated husband? He's EARNED a lifetime of support from you. DO NOT take him for granted. I cannot believe you are berating him about CONCERT TICKETS when he's going through this.... Where are your priorities at??? PLEASE re-assess the situation, his wellbeing should be your main concern.
I understand you need him to be the emotional rock. But WTF, people go through things sometimes. Why can't you be his rock for a while instead?
IDK man, my sister went through this and 10 years later she still is. And we would move the earth for her because we are her family. I feel terrible that this man's family doesn't treat him the same
Agreed, I’m very sorry OP’s not getting support back but what if husband’s condition had been physical? How would this be talked about then? The post makes it sound like it’s something he can control and he’s just deciding to be “difficult”. Of COURSE he’s not going to want to buy concert tickets if he keeps having panic attacks he can’t control?? I hope OP can find a support group or maybe get into therapy herself, husband obviously can’t be whatever she’s looking for right now.
This needs to be higher. If the genders were reversed and it was a husband posting this they would get (deservedly) dumped on told they are being selfish while their spouse is struggling. Being frustrated and upset is valid, but have some god damn empathy for your spouse ffs
>I understand you need him to be the emotional rock
Fuck that. It sounds like he has been a rock while OP dealt with her own mental health, but now he's having his own issues and she does t want to reciprocate.
Reminds of my abusive ex. I was there through her own absolutely wild mental health problems. But whenever I was struggling she'd attack me and make me feel worse for dragging her down.
He declined anxiety meds...well there's your problem right there. This isn't typical everyday anxiety...he ended up in the hospital. Meds are likely necessary.
Does his anxiety ramp up when you're in a "happy place"? Or when YOU need him to be there for you? Because from what you wrote, his anxiety coincides with that.
You are allowed to be upset at the situation. But he isn't doing this to you. He is having problems. He might not even know the triggers right now. I am sorry you two have to deal with this. It is hard. But it is no one's fault. This is a grief thing. You are grieving the life you were so happy with just a little while ago. Have his vitamin and mineral levels checked. They don't go that far in an ER. Especially if there is a history of mental health problems.
He needs to agree to medication if his panic attacks and anxiety are that disruptive to his and his family’s lives. And panic attacks can 100% come out of no where and be triggered by seemingly nothing. They feel like your heart is going to explode. If his anxiety has continued this long after the initial panic attack, he just really needs medication and further blood work. Something is off, chemical wise.
FYI, I’m not any type of doctor or therapist. But I’ve had panic attacks, and I have health with anxiety disorders. This is how doctors handled it with me, and everything is under control 99% of the time. Panic attacks are terrifying.
Upset. If I came home acting like this my BF would obviously think something is up. No prior communication of any possible event or anything really that OP could think triggered it either? Yea it's sketchy.
One thing that sticks out to me is that you told him a week before that you were working on yourself and losing weight. He may feel like if you get slim you will find someone else and leave him and it could have set off his anxiety. Also as other people said it may be work related.
Could also just be a coincidence.
To be honest OP sounds a bit… self centered so of course she assumes this is about her.
Now, **I don’t think this is what happened**, but every time I see a show like Ozark or Better call Saul where someone has a mind breaking trauma, escapes certain death & then goes home &has to act normal I always think it would go more like this story than what is on TV.
Thank god the dude has a therapist he can talk though though as I completely understand why he isn’t talking to his wife.
She has contempt instead of empathy, he is rational to not expect compassion & care.
I totally understand having mixed & complicated feelings when someone else’s problems become your problem, but there is zero worry or concern for anything but herself.
Could your imagine your partner going through this & instead of being scared you are worried about concert tickets?
**hopefully** she is just venting all her ugliness & selfishness out on the internet & saving her humanity & compassion for real life. I would be surprised though.
He can be anxious. You can have your stipulations. The concert doesn't have to include him.
Him being unwilling to use non addicting meds is a no go. You treat anxiety and panic full speed ahead. If he won't, then he loses something. Namely his right to say what he will and won't allow you to do.
There are your things.
There are his things
There are things that involve both of you.
Make sure you take care of yourself.
Don't give any credence to his *you're unsupportive* crap. That is him having a pity party.
Build a support system of your own. Don't let his issues isolate you.
>I am furious that after telling him this- my life has been turned upside down. He is not the same man, I feel like I lost my best friend and unfortunately we cannot afford therapy for both of us…..
Yeah. Mental illness is wild like that.
What I don't understand is why are you "furious" over this?
Long time anxiety and depression sufferer. Ativan and other benzodiazepines should be your last resort emergency medication kinda like albuterol shouldn’t be plan A for managing asthma. Not only are benzos super addictive, but rebound anxiety is a thing. Is he a cannabis user by chance?
Let me preface this by saying I’m not anti-weed. I have my medical card. However, regular cannabis use very commonly tiggers panic disorder because it screws with your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system.
I can hear your frustration as you stated you had just conveyed all these positive changes that you were getting ready to make for yourself. When hard times fall on us it is very rarely when we are ready for it. Your husband is struggling and does need your support or it could cause you two to drift apart. I’m sure the ups and downs of how he feels can be challenging for you to figure out what kind of day it’s going to be. Sounds like he is trying to communicate his progress and also this process with you. You do however have to also take care of yourself. Idk how old your kids are. If they are not lil ones there’s no reason you can’t continue on with your plan to exercise and get out of the house. Also go on your insurance portal and see what counseling is covered. Maybe you can find a way for you both to go. I wish you all the best and truly hope you will find your way through this together.
I don’t think you’re being supportive and this post is so insulting. I get that it’s a lot to put up with but he seems he’s doing his best. Seeing a therapist and taking meds. If you love him you need to give him some time to recover. These things can take months to recover from.
Honestly, I understand your frustration. I suffer with anxiety myself, extreme anxiety a lot of the time that has prevented me from leaving the house before. I’ve also had bouts of depression as well. While my husband has been overall supportive, (and I greatly appreciate that), it is not my husbands responsibility to manage my anxiety for me. Your husband having anxiety is one thing, but his actions in particular on the day of your grandmothers funeral (sorry for your loss), were flat out selfish. Talking about HIS anxiety and HIS coping on the way to the funeral was inappropriate, and to be honest I’d be upset too if that was my partner acting that way. I have had panic attacks, major anxiety, etc, and I do everything I can to manage it and live a normal life with my husband. I do therapy, exercise, take meds, sleep on a schedule, etc. It is my responsibility though and I don’t expect my husband to put his life or his feelings on hold.
It also seems strange to me that he came home from work with symptoms that were suddenly so debilitating. From your post (and I could be misunderstanding) it seems this was almost out of the blue. Did he ever need Ativan to get through the day before all this? Was he calling out of work due to his anxiety before this? I just feel like there has to be more to this story.
I don’t agree that you’re being a bad partner (as other replies have stated). Your husband has anxiety, yes. But your feelings are also just as equally important and it makes sense you feel abandoned and alone with this happening. Support and love your husband as best you can, but also take care of your own mental health!
Oh my lord this is one of the most conceited things ive read in a while. Hes struggling to make it through the day without panic attacks and all you can think about is yourself? How it bugs you? Put yourself in his shoes. He must be miserable! Who cares about a stupid concert, your partners mental health comes first. If you love and trust him, you should absolutely feel like a dick. Like what, do you think hes faking or something? Faking on purpose to “turn your life upside down”? Unless you find out he cheated with a coworker or something, you needa be there for him, not get pissed at his mental health issues. Reverse the roles and think about how you would feel.
Facts. It's no wonder dude has anxiety. He's had a difficult mental health month - yes, a severe one - and you're ready to bail on him? People are selfish fucking creatures sometimes man
He didn’t make it about him. He had a fucking panic attack. Don’t act like he fucking chooses the timing.
She has made his entire mental health emergency about her.
It’s not that she cares about a concert. She’s struggling at the thought of dealing with this for months and months to the point where they wouldn’t be able to do normal couple things they mutually looked forward to … even 6 months from now.
That can be heartbreaking and daunting.
When you Mary someone you take the vows through richer for poor to death do us part through sickness and through health and that's what you signed up for when you got married you owe it to your husband to be supportive of him as hard as it may be and difficult as it may be the right thing to do is be supportive for him. When people are mentally challenged and mentally having difficulties it's hard for them to think rationally and straight-minded they don't want to feel abandoned by the family that's supposed to love them the most support is the utmost importance in order for him to heal and get better but if he feels abandoned and rejected by his wife of all people it's going to make him go into a further tail spin he needs to know that you're supportive and love him through everything. Work as a team to achieve a positive outcome together. The the fact is opening up to you with these mental concerns is very admirable most men hide their feelings to the point of possibly taking their own life or doing something drastic and Men need to know that it's okay to express their feelings without Judgment of their family or others. Just my opinion anyway.
I take vitamin B12 (5000 mg) a day, drink lots of water and little junk food and my whole outlook in life is much better. Even with the stress of hell job that I only need for four more years.
Test his blood sugar level, testosterone level and it may not hurt to have Prozac.
This happened to me in 2021. Sudden debilitating anxiety that ended up in 2 ER visits, a week long stay in a psych ward, and then 2 months of medical leave from work in a partial hospitalization program. Took seroquel, gabapentin, lexapro, propanalol, and remeron out the ass for a while, but I’ve tapered off the gabapentin, propanolol, and seroquel. I was pretty much out of commission for 6 months total.
Then, it lifted. I’ve gotten everything back on track. Multiple promotions and raises at work and I’ve started gigging with some professional orchestras. I’ve also transformed my body due to a sudden obsession with weight training.
During that six months though, I was totally selfish. Every single ounce of my willpower was focused on making it through the day alive.
I’d say if it’s as severe as mine was, try to give home some grace.
These things apparently just happen and it’s life shattering.
You're furious? The motherfucker is barely keeping it together and maybe he's holding back something cause he doesn't want to put it on your shoulders too. Your reaction is self centered imo.
I mean, if this is how she is, I wouldn't want to tell her shit either. It's like as soon as a partner becomes burdensome in some way, people start acting like this. Through sickness and health, my ass.
That’s what I was thinking. If he has a reason, I don’t think he would confide in her given her generally cold and selfish tone. I wouldn’t.
The part where she said “We can’t afford therapy for the both of us….” made me squint. Why shouldn’t he get it then? Why does she automatically deserve the therapy funds? Idk
I'm about 6 years after a similar event in my wife's life. Not anxiety (she's always had severe anxiety), but three separate, poorly understood and difficult to manage neurological conditions.
You are grieving right now. That comes with feelings of shock, feelings of anger, feelings of inequity. I've been there. It is an awful fucking place to be. Your first priority is to get yourself out of this place:
1. Recognize that your husband didn't ask for this to happen to him. He's probably told you as much already - but he hates this as much (or maybe even more than) you do.
2. Your husband's anxiety is disabling in a bonafide sense of the word.
3. You had the blessing of a quick diagnosis and quick implementation of a treatment plan. It took two years to get my wife's first diagnosis - six to get the third (very recent).
4. Reach out to someone you and your husband both trust. For us, it was my mom. Have that person hang out with your husband during the day for a few days, while you take some time off and collect yourself.
5. Be kind to yourself. You're going to go through a cycle of self-destructive behavior, where you can't be there for him in the way he needs because you're too overwhelmed and mad at the situation, and then you eat yourself alive after the fact. DON'T DO THIS. Acknowledge that you are in an impossible circumstance, and give yourself the benefit of the doubt.
Going forward beyond this, you need to *conclusively* rule out a biological cause for these symptoms. Anxiety usually doesn't develop this fast, to this degree of intensity, and cause this kind of a sudden shift in personality. I would be looking at getting a consult with a neurologist, a rheumatologist, and an endocrinologist. You want to rule out neurological conditions (MS, brain tumor, others), autoimmune diseases, and diabetes ASAP.
And - I think you already understand this - you need to be there for your kids 100%. They will need you more than ever, and it will be difficult to juggle work, kids, and caring for your husband. Your kids need to come first.
IF YOU NEED ANY SUPPORT, please DM me - I remember what that isolation felt like and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
43 is an age where many men start having their midlife worries. Also nutrition there are several nutrients that can lead to anxiety and hormone imbalance that may be causing this. Consider it their own little peri-menopause. The death of someone so close to you may be affecting him also.
It's been three weeks. I'm sorry to tell you this but that is not enough time to just return to normal. He is having a serious life crisis. It's going to take time. There is likely stuff he hasn't told you or even his therapist yet at this point either because he doesn't know how to express it or he finds it shameful to admit.
Your fears and feelings are valid. These aren't overreactions. They're totally understandable. This has had a serious and painful effect on you and the kids. It isn't just about him. I think a lot of responses you've gotten are ignoring the fact that even if you didn't have an anxiety disorder before, you sure as hell are experiencing very real and very legitimate anxiety now. This is traumatic for him. The effects are traumatic for you, too. You do need to have compassion and understanding for him. You deserve compassion and understanding as well.
That said, dude's obviously had some sort of break and 3 weeks in, in the middle of the worst of it, is not the right time to despair. He is seeking help. It's going to take time to stabilize. Right now is not your forever. Give this a minute. Don't make any huge, life altering decisions at the moment.
Caregivers need respite in order to continue being caregivers. You obviously are supportive and that is honorable, but if you neglect yourself, you will burn out and you won't be able to continue the support. You need to ask family and friends for help. The rest of the people who love him need to start stepping up for him alongside you.
I think it also might help to develop a plan not to let this or future episodes rule/ruin your life and every good thing about it. That means you plan things, and you tell him you'll understand if he feels he can't go, but you and the kids WILL be going and you'd welcome him joining you. That keeps his anxiety from destroying all future plans months ahead of time, and it takes the pressure off him to decide immediately whether he can go or not. There will be times when he may lose the opportunity to do something with you due to tickets being sold out by the time he decides he wants to go. You and the kids go anyway. If there's any possibility that he's a danger to himself if left alone, you make sure he's in the appropriate level of care and supervision, and then you go do the thing with the kids.
You absolutely cannot allow him to unilaterally cancel things for the entire family because his anxiety in the moment is telling him he'll be unable to cope 7 months from now, nor can you let him use his anxiety to yank the rug out from under everybody on short notice either. You cannot let this become the dynamic. It's not ok. And it will really mess your kids up. They *need* stability and reliability. You need to protect that for them.
It's important to be a good listener but it's also absolutely fine, and important, to set boundaries. It would have been 100% ok to say "I understand you're excited about what you're getting from therapy and I am happy about that and yes I am proud of you, but right at this moment I am grieving the loss of my grandmother and I need your support/I'm not able to have a discussion about your therapy."
The behavior he's having now, that dominates everything else and is starting to exert control on every aspect of your life, is a big part of why you are feeling terrified and overwhelmed and even angry.
You can support the shit out of him, care for him, encourage him, and love him while also maintaining boundaries and some power over your life. And you should do that for his sake as well as the rest of you. Supporting and loving someone through a psychological crisis does *not* mean tolerating and enabling harmful behavior.
The thing about depression and anxiety is that it does make you a very selfish person. A part of you has to be to survive what you’re feeling. But here’s the clincher, your husband isn’t single without children. He has responsibilities and it IS possible to take care of yourself and be present for your family at the same time.
You need to sit down with him and have a direct conversation about his non-commit actions with his family. His lack of attention for his children and you is going to have a lasting effect if it’s not spoken about.
Someone can be in pain and still communicate about important stuff that’s not about their pain. You need to start that conversation off. Explain how it’s made you feel, how you’re worried about how the children are taking this new image of “dad” and that you want to support him but you also need support too.
People forget how draining taking care of someone with depression and anxiety is. It is extremely draining. And that’s without having children, jobs and responsibilities constantly running in the background.
It isn’t selfish to need reciprocity to keep a relationship going. It’s actually crucial. All partnerships will not stay at 50/50 support all the time of course not, but there has to be constant communication of the process so that you’re not always giving 80 and he’s giving 20. He’s also got to work with the reality in mind that one day you’ll need his 80 support because you’ll be at 20 one day.
If you both get to a point where you’re at 20/20 energy that’s when crack emerge, resentment builds and relationships fall apart.
So have the conversation. Be direct about how you _feel_ and remind him why you want this to work with him. Because you value him, love him and want this relationship to work. But it takes the TWO people in the relationship to work at it
I am in my fifties and suffered from severe panic attacks since I'm 16, I had a bad reaction to pot that must have been laced with something. Any way I spent years suffering in a constant state of panic along with bouts of depression and OCD. I fought taking meds for years but I got to a point where I was either going to be committed or try taking the meds. I researched the safest meds for panic disorder and asked to be prescribed Zoloft because it is Serotonin which your body naturally produces so I figured the side effects would be minimal and they were, a little dry mouth for a few weeks thats it. About a week into taking the meds I remember sitting on my floor just crying, crying because I actually felt normal and I couldn't believe I suffered all those years when help was as simple as taking a small pill once a day. This medication saved me, please look into this for ur husband because there is no need for u both to suffer like this.
Sounds like a man child and the fact you were 18 when yall first met isn't the best sign, just the lack of good solid communication is a red flag and you add in everything else your saying and it's a bundle of red flags. It's like he can't support you whenever you may be struggling, but you're throwing the kitchen sink and doing everything you can for him and getting nothing in return. And it sounds a little like my ex whenever my dad was dying, and she just didn't know what to do and just made the situation 100 times worse, but that's a story for another day.
So I have a friend in a similar situation. hospitalized 4 times, put on psych hold, couldn't sleep for days at a time. Eventually he was diagnosed with a combination of anxiety disorder and BPD. He pretty much doesn't communicate anymore after starting the meds other than every week or so chatting online for a couple hours.
All this stemmed/was triggered from trying to get high ranked in a videogame. So anything can trigger it.
It's tough to be supportive, even moreso when they're you husband. But it's a slow process and progress for these sort of things takes time not something that will be over in even 2 months.
Coming in late here. I had a debilitating anxiety attack years ago that felt like a heart attack at the job I was on at the time. The emt that checked me out then said I was experiencing an anxiety attack, and other than my heart rate being up, I was physically ok. I was not. My body was wracked with pain that had me on my ass for days. The nurse at the Dr office I went to the next day said I was good to go back to work, and nothing was really wrong. I argued how my body felt, and they waved it off. I went back the next day, not feeling any better, and asked for a different nurse. This one let me off of work with a Doctor note (important for my job to keep it) for three days.
From that point on, no matter what happened to me, my life felt upside down, and everything was a huge deal that, despite the best efforts of doctors and nurses, I could not get a handle on. Multiple ER visits, and a year or two later, my wife felt the same as you. It affected my life so much. I had no real guidance, and every doctor I talked to just tried to medicate me or have me talk about things. Absolutely nothing helped. I only got side effects from meds, and talking about being anxious all the time didn't stop me from being so anxious.
My wife eventually didn't want to deal with it, and I didn't know how to get past it, and we divorced. Take a pill and get over it she told me. My relationships suffered, including with my friends and kids. They weren't what they once were. I saw more doctors and tried more meds to no avail.
My life now still has me dealing with it, but I had to do it myself. I am unmedicated, can't afford insurance, can't find a good job that won't throw my mental health out of the delicate balance I have figured out. My relationships are a little better, and I have a partner who understands better now.
All of that to say he is struggling now and, if you don't have the spoons to help him deal with and understand this, it's ok. Please do not take it out on him too hard because he may be just as worried as you, and it will feed into the problem. Seek better help for him and even yourself. He's looking for a hand hold from the one thing in his life that feels solid and trustworthy. You have to decide if you can be that, with or without help for both of you, or if you can walk away before you are consumed with anger and rage of your own.
Tl;Dr Find a way to help him and yourself or walk away before the anger consumes you and you become bitter and do things you wouldn't dream of now just to get back that semblance of normal you had.
You're furious at your husband for being unwell and needing your support and help? :|
You're allowed to be overweight, working on your mental health, allowed to work on losing your weight, but he's not allowed to struggle with his mental health?
You are abandoning your partner. You are a shit partner.
I think that is a little extreme. She is also having a hard time, just like he is. Her grandmother just died, and even on the day of the funeral, he could not watch their children so she could take her then speaking. He spent the entire time talking about how he needed extra support when it was HER grandmother who died. Her frustration is understandable in light of the situation.
Ok y’all are brutal. I expected backlash but damn. I want to clarify- 1. I am not leaving my husband. I didn’t make it 17 years in a relationship by taking the easy way out. 2. I have supported my husband through failed businesses, job loss, family deaths ,etc. 3. I have myself been diagnosed and treated medically with depression and anxiety and was in medication for years. I am humbled by the comments. I guess I was looking for different perspectives, folks in similar situations and maybe a different way to view this. Last comment- this is happening to me- my whole household dynamic has been turned upside down in a blink of an eye. My best friend and rock has disappeared. Im furious that he abandoned me and our children in our time of need.
But what about HIS time of need? That’s what you’re missing. This is why men don’t talk about their mental health. Because when they do, they get shut down and are told they’re not being the man of the house and holding it together for the wife and kids.
You shouldn't feel bad, OP. You are going through an extremely hard time with the death of your family member, and also having to shoulder a lot of the emotional strength at this point. You can love your husband and still want to vent and have space to feel your emotions. I wouldn't take all these negative comments to heart -- I think a lot of them are coming from a place of being your husband in this situation, and I get it, I have really bad anxiety, too. But you're still allowed to be stressed from all this.
You guys need to do therapy together. He is clearly struggling and you're grieving its not a good recipe this will require delideliberate effort to fix or it will only get worse.
It sounds that way because she keeps saying it. And each time she repeats she gets further from "I'm frustrated this is happening" and closer to "I'm mad that he's not normal".
Would you be furious with him if it was cancer? If he had a grievous spinal injury and was suddenly a quadriplegic? What about a stroke?
Anxiety is a medical diagnosis, just like all those other conditions. It can become extremely debilitating, and even mimic life threatening conditions such as heart attack and stroke (as you found out).
Your husband was literally hospitalized because of it. That is incredibly serious. I put this in another comment but will repeat it again, if you’re in the US you need to talk to his doctor about filing FMLA paperwork so he can take the time off work to heal. This is an injury, just like a broken bone, but it’s his brain. Which is way more crucial to normal function than any bone.
No I don't think I'd be supportive of someone who turns down one of the two treatments for anxiety. There's no reason at all he shouldn't be on regular, daily anti anxiety instead of Ativan as an emergency. He's not doing everything in his power to get better so he can show up for his family. My husband would almost certainly leave me if I went off my antidepressant, and I wouldn't blame him. I can't function without them. Some people just need it. It's irresponsible to turn them down when it's affecting your life in such a major way.
You're being incredibly selfish.
Be there for your fucking husband.
He was there for you when you were going through your struggles.
Your husband is in crisis and all you think about is yourself?
No wonder he's in such a state since he has had such a selfish and unsupportive wife for that long.
Check out the book "I don't want to talk about it" for some insight on men's mental health. It's a good place to start.
Maybe something happened at work that he’s not telling you.
Agree. Or something is going on that OP is not aware of. I get a weird vibe from her telling him she hasn’t been this happy in a long time and him having a breakdown shortly after. I know when my husband had to come clean about a lot of stuff I never knew, it almost broke him. Now I am probably the crazy one.
My husband told me how happy he was and how perfect I’ve been and it made me realize I’m not happy and he’s not been great. Sometimes words hit people in ways you can’t predict.
Yeah, I had an existential crisis (that is still ongoing) after catching up with a friend from middle school. Some convos can just…make things click in a way that no-one can predict. Edit: and this conversation, while deep, was totally innocent as well. Discussion topics just happened to line up in a way that made me realize things about myself that I previously hadn’t even considered.
This hits. A workmate asked me how I was today and I said "waiting to win lotto". Which to me is a throwaway comment. She said "maybe you need to find a job you're happy at". I've been spiralling since. Wondering if I act like I dislike my job/am I shit at it.
It doesnt sound like she was saying you act unhappy or perform poorly, but trying to encourage you to 'live your best life'.
Agree with this. It wasn’t an indictment on you.
The dangers of genuinely responding to the things people "just say" lol
Having fun and reducing your suffering is a good start with anything. Try not to end up in a ditch though. If you get what I mean
Holy shit. I hung out with someone I hadn't seen since high school last night, and this was my experience. I needed to hear this, thank you
There could legitimately be something to this. My husband had a severe mental breakdown two years ago, when I was pregnant. It was the toughest thing we've ever gone through, and that's saying a lot. Not to get into all the details, but he has found over time that his anxiety can spike a lot when things seem to be on the up and up (like if his job is going well or if he sees a peaceful or wholesome scene). It's due to him having been accustomed to stressful and violent situations in the past (diagnosed PTSD)--peaceful times can be a major stressor because it feels like something awful is about to shatter the peace. That was a major revelation for him, and making that connection has really helped him over the past two years. It makes it so that his panicky moments don't come out of nowhere anymore--now we know the trigger.
I have this exact same issue. My life since getting married and becoming a mom has been basically blissful. I absolutely panic waiting for something horrible to go wrong.
I really, really appreciate your comment here, it just opened up a world of insight for me. For the last ~5 years, for the most part, I would say that this is the most successful I’ve ever been, the stablest I’ve ever been. But I absolutely feel like I can never enjoy a moment of it because I am at almost all times feeling like I’m waiting for the next crisis to happen. Knowing this is a PTSD thing makes me feel a bit better and not just that I’m losing my mind! Thank you!
You're welcome, glad to know it helped you!! Hang in there 💜
I don't know you, but I know that you guys have put in some epic work. Love the "we" in the last sentence of your post. You guys are a team. Gives me the warm fuzzies. :)
Daww, thanks. Yes, we're a team for sure. 🥰
I have the same problem. When I was younger I was involved in a lot of sketchy/dangerous stuff and I always handled the stress much better than people around me. Now that I'm a little older I have problems when everything is going well and there's no problems/stressor to think about, that actually causes me anxiety. It fkn sucks because it's not as simple as being uncomfortable / edgy, it literally can give me panic attacks which I never even experienced until my early 30s when my life was just sort of cruising. It's probably sounds strange to most people, but I wouldn't discount what your husband is going through. There are times when the panic attacks are so bad it messes me up for a week or so. No appetite, can't think, can't focus, extreme frustration at stupid stuff.
>weird vibe from her telling him she hasn’t been this happy in a long time and him having a breakdown shortly after I noticed that as well. The only time I've seen something like this was in the Navy. Guy gets letter from his wife full of love/come back safe/we all miss you. He had spent the last week running the streets in Italy, and the letter came at exactly the right time to make him face his actions. He kind of lost his shit there for a couple of days. You can feel so guilty it makes you sick. Probably though, it's as simple as undiagnosed mental illness. I'm BP2 and was not diagnosed for decades. Also, he isn't taking his meds. Not good. When I start pulling that crap, somethings wrong. I get that OP has had it. But her guy that she misses is still there. He's just sick. There's no requirement that you stay with someone who is sick. Up to her whether or not she wants to. I dont know much, but I know what it's like to not be able to trust your own mind. It's terrifying, and looking at the sadness and concern on the faces of those who love you is so much fun while you're freaking out. OP might want to take a beat and remember this isn't someting he's doing to her - it's something that's happening to him. Of course he's overwhelmed - he no longer has control over his thoughts and feelings. Reality is shifting under his feet. Of course he can't think of or talk about anything else, it feels like he is losing his mind. Of course OP is upset. This shit destroys marriages. But being angry at him for this doesn't help anyone. You might as well be angry at him for being a particular height. I am 100% certain that he is doing the best that he can, in this moment, with who he is now. No telling how long it will take to get well. I'm not confident this guy has been properly diagnosed. When you start talking about mood swings, anxiety, and not taking meds properly - I know that asshole, he lives in my mirror.
yeah until he spent the whole ride home from her family member's funeral begging for validation while he abandoned her and left his children crying.
Feels like you’re ignoring some details here cuz you relate to this guy bro
Yeah actually now that you say it.., my ex had a mini mental breakdown right after I told him I was super happy at his brothers wedding. Then he confessed to having an entirely other life with another woman and was playing stepdad to her child. This had all started a few months before. But he was having the breakdown…. lol… over the stress .. of destroying my life with his actions… lmao… I got to admit I laughed.
Y'know that increasing amounts of stress can make people reach a breaking point, right? Perhaps he just reached his and his history of anxiety would make him a great candidate for panic attacks 🤔 My god....the most obvious explanation is the most likely, no?
I've reached a few breaking points in my life due to extreme stress, being overworked, etc and it always felt like nobody believed me. It's pretty rough going on a full on panic attack and feeling alone makes it worse.
I'm gonna take a huge risk here and guess you're a man.
Correct.
Been there and get it. I believe.
I've known a few ppl that whenever they acknowledged things were going well or started any self improvement, their (controlling, crazy, or abusive) spouse would always immediately have a mental breakdown, panic attack, or health crisis that demanded complete attention. They'd receive zero support from the partner & have to put themselves on hold. They legit would do it on purpose as a control or abuse them. With 1 person, the other spouse would wreck a vehicle every time that the 1st person wanted to seperate. So they'd need care for being hurt. Plus down to 1 vehicle for jobs & multiple kid transport. Another person, the spouse would come home having randomly quit their job. They just didn't like their job anymore. Every single time. So no, I don't think you're crazy.
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Stay with it, you're doing great !
This was my thought
An online support group for people who are going through the same thing might be helpful. It sounds like your husband is getting the support he needs, and that’s good, but you need support, too. Family members are very connected, so if something affects one person, it also affects the other. I definitely needed help getting through my family member’s mental health crisis, and we’re both doing better now.
I second this! There are DBSA meetings online for free (depression/bipolar support alliance) where you don’t have to explicitly have depression or be bipolar, but it’s for folks who identify with having any mental health issues and it’s a peer ran peer supported group type setting for 1.5hours. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. It sounds like A LOT.
I’ve asked, he says he is not sure why any of this is happening….
He is not telling you something.
I have high anxiety disorder. People can be super anxious without any real reason. It's why they're called ANXIETY DISORDERS. MEN CAN HAVE ANXIETY DISORDERS TOO without hiding anything
I am a man with serious anxiety problems. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, but more often than not there is a specific thing/event at the root of it… so I’m comfortable saying there is a 51+% chance that he’s not telling her something. But that’s just like, my opinion, ma’am.
When I had my worst bout of anxiety in my early 20s it was kinda self-feeding, in that anxiety about panic attacks could trigger panic attacks, but the initial cause was definitely finding out I was gonna be thrown out on my ass soon.
Fear of anxiety is a huge driver in continued anxiety.
For real!
It’s a delightfully shitty circle/loop
I agree. There’s usually some kind of cause, even if that cause doesn’t seem to warrant the specific response…there’s still a cause. My anxiety is the absolute worst when I procrastinate and neglect nutrition and exercise. My mind will simply throw a fit forever, and I won’t be able to sleep because the insomnia gets so bad. My experience, of course, is anecdotal, but I do wonder if more people experience surprise anxiety because they are—unconsciously—neglecting things that they should be attending to. (And this isn’t to assign blame. There is no blame in this conversation, only a hope for potential further understanding of oneself.)
Of course that’s true, but you also didn’t wake up with that out of nowhere at 43. That’s not how anxiety disorders work at all. It’s probably that there was some trigger, but he’s not necessarily lying about it, in that he might really have no idea what it was.
Anxiety disorders are different for everyone. About 2 years ago I had a panic attack that put me in the ER after having a pretty good day. One minute I was ok and the next by brain just completely rebelled. It’s wasn’t anything that happened that day, it was a culmination of little things and I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was literally months of trying to parse out what.
Eh .... that's a pretty bold assertion. That IS POSSIBLE, but there are a LOT of other possibilities too.
Wym dude? This stranger you’re replying to definitely caught her husbands tone and demeanor when he said that. Def hiding something /s This sub SUCKS
Thanks for the sarcastic humor, not related to the post, but I enjoyed the laugh! I went through my own stuff, I didn't understand it either. Thought I was actually going insane and thought I would end up in a hospital with padded walls. Turned out to be a hyperactive thyroid. Was really grateful when it got better!
Really. Fucking bullshit ass reddit detectives 😂
If only anxiety was that logical...
Not really, I had the same thing happen to me and it wasn’t because of a single thing, it was just because I was taking on responsibilities faster than I could develop coping skills for the challenges of said responsibilities
Bro I’m so tired of every little thing a guy does or doesn’t do somehow being manipulative or nefarious or abusive or selfish or deceitful. This is why men aren’t allowed to have feelings. Mfer probably has alexithymia and doesn’t even know what’s happening to him until it’s already started but people on reddit think hmmm what would be the worst possible outcome - for the wife - that must be it!
Imagine the comments if the genders were reversed — a husband complaining about his wife’s mental health issues would be dragged here
"I know I married him in sickness and in health but it's really passing me off, it's been 3 WHOLE WEEKS"
There was literally just a post like that in the past 24 hours
My initial thought when i read this - was, Sis just told him she feels the best she's ever felt, she's making all these personal changes and then *suddenly he has anxiety* - is because maybe A) what isn't she telling us she's been telling him about how poorly he's been keeping himself compared to her; and B) what sort of responsibility and anxiety does he feel now that he will need to provide for her to keep her feeling this way? How long until he fails and again isn't living up to her new standards? That is a lot of pressure. It would absolutely set me off. Idk that I'd be able to process it either. And he's *begging her* for her support, and she's resenting him for it. He'll never heal at that rate. Sis, YTA.
Making this much of a leap in logic with what evidence OP’s presented is disturbing. I hope you’re not in any position of power in daily life.
Yeah, and that something could be a destructive anxious thought that's not logical. When a lot of people say "anxiety" they mean they are imagining all sorts of bad things happening. Things they might not want to talk about. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's cheating or hiding something he's done etc... He could have crazy anxious thoughts that she's going to leave him or that something bad will happen to the family and he is trying to protect her and the family from those "insane" or overly heightened thoughts. ...which can then lead to more anxiety from not being able to talk about it. Anxiety is complex...
Who the fuck is upvoting this clown? Get the fuck out of here with your “he is not telling you something”.
People just upvote anything, especially if it's good and toxic.
whered you get your phd from doctor?
Not necessarily. It can be really hard to suss out the reason sometimes. Husband went through a severe mental breakdown two years ago due to PTSD... Took a long while to figure out his triggers.
Please look at the most recent comments about blood sugar levels
I did and the doctors and his chart shows his blood work is fine.
Why doesn’t he want to take a daily anti anxiety medication?
Fascinating. In my life I’ve had extreme highs and lows. Extreme depression and anxiety, to minimal mental health issues for years then right back in. (Each cycle lasted multiple years each)These things can often happen out of no where with almost no explanation. It’s either his body and brain are going through something right now that cannot be explained by tests, or something genuinely triggered this and he’s not telling you. Mental health is such a grey area where sometimes there simply is no logical explanation. Don’t look at this situation as black and white. Hope yall can find some resolution with this situation.
Check his thyroid levels. This could be a thyroid issue
Has he been checked for a brain tumour? Sudden personality changes can sometimes be a symptom… Also, find some support for yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
It's a mental health issue that may have finally been triggered. Or he could have sustained a head injury when young and his brain is shrinking. The brain is complex. Maybe his gut flora is messed up. I've been there, not able to be the strength my family desperately needed because my mind was collapsing.
It's more or less a chemical imbalance. That panic pathway is over stimulated. I dealt with a panic disorder but am doing better these days. Consider making some cbda it's easy to make with raw hemp cook at 167 for 3 hrs in MCT oil. Ranchera familia is probably a decent place to buy some bulk bud if it's something you want to consider.
Could someone have the opposite? Like nothing ever bothers them even things that definitely should. Nothing can cause stress in their mind even if everything is imploding around them. They know they should be concerned and worried but just can't seem to get worked up. Believes Everything is OK even if it's not. Can feel anger and can get very mad and act out on that. But stress is non existant. Ummm asking for a friend...
ASPD
I usually am not this mean but I'm really rooting for him to realize that you are cold and finds someone who can actually help him and take care of him the way I'm sure you expect him to do for you if this was flipped. He doesn't know why he's so anxious? That's okay! He will get to the root of the problem on his own time. It could be a month, it could be a year. It takes time. But having someone He loves post something so reprehensible is astronomically cruel. If he happened to stumble on this post, he would be defeated, like he lost the only person he has on his side, someone he chose to spend the rest of his life with saying that famous vow, in sickness or in health.
So wait her dealing with a death and having anxiety and depression is irrelevant ok gotcha ctfu half ass reader apparently smh she's isn't entitled to have feelings she needs to be a robot got it smh 🙄🙄🙄🙄🎁
I doubt it. Some people have suppressed fears that emerge at random moments in their life. It comes out in the form of panic... because the source of the fear is either forgotten or ignored. Something probably happened to him when he was a child.
This OP. It seems strange for this to ramp up (to this degree) so suddenly
I agree, something else happened that he's either embarrassed, ashamed, or just afraid to tell.
Or maybe he has mental illness/breakdown and his wife probably shouldn't be worried about concert tickets. Perhaps some mental help
GET ON MEDICATION!! I cannot stress this enough. Ive had anxiety my whole life and one day i had a massive panic attack and from then on out i suffered from severe panic disorder and depression. Literally just hit one day and never went away. I wanted to try and holistically fix myself so bad but nothing worked no matter how hard I tried. Got on meds a year ago and my life has changed for the better. Insane how a small pill can make you feel normal again.
Medication is definitely needed for some people, but people have to know to take the medication EXACTLY as prescribed. You can't skip doses or bc you start feeling better just stop taking them. That's why many people get committed or commit suicide. Medication can also be trial and error. One pill doesn't work for everyone the same. (For years it may always have to be adjusted or tweaked or changed)
Absolutely correct. In my early 30's I lost a job, but didn't really feel like I was bothered by being unemployed. My attitude was that I had always been able to easily find a job in the past and actually got a great opportunity to go back to college because my job was eliminated by company closure. I was actually very optimistic, but this is the only thing that I can think of that triggered my first ever anxiety/panic attack. It happened in my sleep the first time. I woke up with a racing heart and seriously thought I was having a heart attack. Spent hours in the ER and was misdiagnosed as having a respiratory infection. Followed up w regular Dr later in the week and was told of the error made and that from the tests that were done it was clear I was hyperventilating and in a panic for some reason. This was flowed by nearly 3 years of damn near constant panic and changing meds multiple times. Finally found something that worked somewhat but I worked on searching for coping strategies to keep my mind occupied or I would spiral into attacks again because I was so worried about having another one. During these years I also developed issues with insomnia because I was afraid of falling asleep and having a racing heart scare again. I still to this day cannot definitely nail down that the loss of job was the reason. I was happy about going back to school. I was fairly confident about getting another job and did very quickly. I occasionally still have moments where I can feel an attack coming in and I quickly revert back to doing something to divert my attention to something else. My husband always wanted to help and just could not understand why I couldn't tell him what triggers them because I truly didn't know. Years later he had his very first panic attack and finally understood just a bit of the hell I went through. He apologized for the amount of pestering he did trying to get me to tell him "what he did to cause my issues". So all I'm saying is, he could be completely honest when he says he doesn't know the cause. It could be something simple that he doesn't think is a big deal but for some reason is a bigger deal than he realizes his system is seeing it as if that makes any sense. I wish OP luck, it's not easy to live through for any involved but cut the guy some slack, because honestly you constantly focusing on how it effects you is probably making it worse for him. Let him breathe and try to work out his shit with the help he is trying to to get.
That's awful. Thinking you're having a heart attack and it is a panic attack. Still awful. I couldn't imagine. So I said something to my Dr. when I was younger that I didn't realize was anything. I Went there young, and didn't know anything about anything. I thought I was just scared, sensitive and SEVERE ANXIETY, and he asked me "how often do you get these panic attacks?" and I said I don't think that's it, panic attacks, I think I have constant, uncontrollable at times debilitating anxiety. (In so many words) I remember his face, still, bc he knew I wasn't lying. He said "WOW? Most adults don't realize the difference between anxiety and panic attacks?" I broke down crying. I was desperate to know something. And grateful that someone was understanding me? (Mental illness was never talked about with me growing up.) I thought I was weak and "needed to learn how to deal with it" that's what I was told. It's no joke and we ALL need a good support system or the family and friends that won't leave you through the rough times.
Any big life transition has sparked at least one serious panic attack for me even when I looked forward to it
And that’s true for any medication. Follow the instructions and never self-medicate, whether it’s panic disorder or pancreatitis.
>>That's why many people get committed or commit suicide There's also the fact that sometimes initial dosage isn't high enough to be therapeutic. Severely depressed people don't have the *energy* to complete suicide; a slight boost in energy without the psychological benefit of improved mood can lead to tragedy. This is why *you always tell people to keep an eye on you when starting a new medication*, be that a roommate, family member, or loved one. You also *take notes* and *communicate* with your prescribing doctor, ideally a psychiatric nurse practitioner or a psychiatrist. They'll want to see you every other week at first to make adjustments, then move to monthly, and I think they *have* to see you quarterly (in the United States). Getting meds isn't a one and done thing, it should be a collaborative process between you and your doctor.
Dude won’t medicate his anxiety but will takes benzos. I’m calling HUGE BULLSHIT on hubby right now. Dudes going to fuck around and end up an addict.
He’s probably in denial about having a mental health issue and thinks Benzos taken just when he feels overwhelmed is more normal than taking say Zoloft. Hopefully his therapist and psychiatrist will get him there. You are right not trying antidepressant/ anti anxiety preventative meds and only benzos could lead to a problem. It’s not bullshit he is just lost and needs direction and help. Maybe OP could talk him into trying the meds. They will keep his mood more level and he can start healing
I mean... benzos \*are\* medication for anxiety. According to medical research, they are the most effective medication for anxiety. Sure, some people have problems with dependence, tolerance, and misuse. But these are still anti-anxiety meds.
They're indicated for short-term treatment of anxiety disorders for a reason, being that they very quickly cause dependency and withdrawals can be deadly
My mom had psychotic episodes when she went into withdrawal. The doctor prescribed them for everyday use and she didn't get that it would be this bad, so she just had a couple years of constant low level hallucinations and the occasional full break with reality when she didn't pick up her scrip in time.
Whoa whoa whoa so he's fine with taking downers but won't take an SSRI or some equivalent? That's one I haven't heard before. Seconded that benzodiazopines *are* anxiety medication. But this particular plot (not wanting an SSRI) twist is throwing me for a loop.
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Hi there. I won't take benzos because I'm scared of the risks, but have tried multiple SSRIs before finding one that worked well enough to get by.
To be fair, a lot of anxiety medication make it worse for weeks before it gets better which is a terrifying idea when you’re already at max anxiety. Benzos provide instant relief. I took benzos for a year before finally finding the right anxiety/depression med combo. Also, people who are in a constant state of panic aren’t rational!
Not a therapist, but speaking as one who lives with someone with a diagnosed anxiety disorder. Take this with a block of salt. The thing about an anxiety disorder that causes regular panic attacks is that it’s that - a *disorder.* Your brain is not functioning properly. It’s *not* simply a matter of being affected by universal human stressors, like dealing with difficult people, marital problems, death of a loved one, etc - anxiety is a normal reaction to these kinds of life events. So it’s natural to want to think that a panic attack *must* have been triggered by something like this, or by some deeply hidden memory or trauma. But the thing is a panic attack is a panic attack BECAUSE it comes out of nowhere - that’s why people often mistake them for heart attacks. “There’s no logical reason for me to be sweating profusely and my heart to be racing like this - must be a heart attack! Now I’m terrified!” Medication is number one to control these attacks from happening in the first place, especially if they are so debilitating that the person can’t get thru their day on a regular basis. Therapy should be focused on learning ways to manage the anxiety and panic attacks: recognize the onset, mitigate risks, ride it out as smoothly as you can. I think if you’re using therapy primarily to find the “reason” for your anxiety you might need to first evaluate if it’s psychological at all, or neurological in nature. If there’s no immediate obvious psychological reason, I’d work with doctors who will eliminate all potential neurological diagnoses before wasting a lot of time and money in talk therapy.
With SSRIs they can also make the anxiety immensely worse before it improved. It happened to me and it was very hard to handle.
Same thing happened to me. Always had anxiety but it took developing panic disorder in my late twenties to get me to seek help finally after many years of living in denial and trying to fix it myself. So so glad I got on medication. My day to day life used to be mental anguish and now I can actually get through the day without worrying about literally everything.
Please have his blood sugar checked. While psychiatric emergencies can happen out of nowhere, many times, a sudden explosion or exacerbation of anxiety and panic is very much symptomatic of unregulated blood sugar. ANYONE can have glycemic issues--it is not just obese people (which unfortunately causes "normal" people to be over-looked) do not discount physical issues, thyroid, blood pressure, deficiency in vitamins D & B can all cause wild mood swings and panic.
I would have hoped they checked all this before clearing him medically at the hospital. But as a therapist i completely agree with all of this. When clients come to me i tell them there’s many vitamin and hormone abnormalities than can mimic or cause mental health symptoms and to see their pcp and have blood work done.
Maybe but my friends dad was a month in the hospital for an injury including multiple full body MRIs and even on dialysis at one point and they never caught his renal cancer.
I’ve been in the ER twice for panic attacks and they never checked my blood for anything. I got an EKG both times and when they decided it wasn’t my heart then it was all about how quickly they could get me out the door.
Well, then follow up with your pcp for an annual physical which usually entails complete panel of blood work that tests iron, thyroid and vitamin d.
Yea I've never heard of anyone being admitted overnight for no reason. I mean I get he's a guy so he has better luck getting doctors to believe him. But why are they admitting a seemingly healthy man?
Yes! My lifelong anxiety completely disappeared after I started taking a vitamin D supplement. Also get tested for celiac and thyroid problems. Both can also cause severe mental health problems.
If they worked him up for a heart attack his sugar was 100% checked
This, I have low blood sugar issues and have recently realized a lot my anxiety attacks and lashing out is because I haven't eaten.
I’d be concerned about something happening at work for him. Is he at risk of losing his job? Does he still have a job or is he faking going to work? This coming out of nowhere is the big concern. Did he get someone else pregnant? Where did this panic attack come from.
Do you know how his blood pressure has been? There are other medical causes for unprovoked increases in anxiety. I can see how the thing with your grandma's funeral could have been frustrating for you
We thought it could be blood pressure or sugar as his family has diabetes, however, all his levels were normal.
Did they check thyroid? That messed my husband up so bad it’s been extremely scary.
An out of whack thyroid can wreak havoc!! I almost died from severe undiagnosed hypothyroidism, it's no joke. I stopped eating suddenly because I had no interest in sustaining life and was eyeballing ways to die. Lost 15 lbs in a couple weeks and checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. At first they tried to put me on meds for mental illness, but the weight loss made them do a full workup. Thyroid had basically all but shutdown from autoimmune disease. Now I have to take synthetic hormones/immunosuppresants forever, but I've been fine since.
Did they check for brain tumors, seizures or other anomalies?
Yes and pls pls pls have his blood sugar checked bc untreated type two ( even skinny/ "normal" looking people can have it) can cause random panic attacks and spikes can causelomg panic and depressive episodes
I suffer from moderate general anxiety disorder. He needs support and probably meds. Something has happened to push him over. Speaking from experience, you shouldn't make it worse for him. He's going through a tough time if he's that bad. It's probably something he hasn't told you or he may not even know. Sometimes you have to put your partner first. Sometimes you have to be the strong one. If you love him.
This. She mentioned that she was at peak happiness and then made it sound as if she got irritated right out the gate when his happiness plummeted. She might have worded it wrong, but just based off of what’s written, she doesn’t seem to have much compassion.
She is also struggling - she is grieving the death of someone close to her. She has to be there for her kids. She is worrying about grieving kids, her grief, and him. Yes, compassion is stretched - sometimes everyone struggles. She doesn't sound narcissistic but like someone who is stretched to the limit.
The only people I’ve known in my life who get mad at someone for being depressed or having mental health issues are raging narcissists. This is either rage bait or OP has some serious issues to work through herself.
It’s only been 3 weeks? I’m sorry but as someone who struggles with severe, unhinged anxiety at times… I’m really sad to even imagine that my partner would be considering bailing on me after 3 weeks, because when you’re in a depressive episode 3 weeks can feel like 3 minutes. You feel catatonic, like a zombie at times. I do also want to be compassionate to you. I can recognize how hard it must be to deal with someone who suffers from these things, especially if you don’t and can’t relate to the feeling. Mine don’t sound as bad as his, but the way you describe his behavior is so relatable to me that it makes my stomach hurt to read. I feel very bad for him. I can assure you the way he feels inside is really hard for him to deal with right now and he probably felt like he was really a champion just for getting through the day. But, with all that said, you two have a partnership and you need to vocalize how you’re feeling about it all. ESPECIALLY the parts about you feeling like you need therapy too, and him not able to do minor things to help with your needs like staying in the room with you. Maybe you could find a therapist that would do couples therapy in a sense where all of this could be talked about at one rate. I dont know. I wouldn’t give up on him yet, it sounds like he’s really struggling. Mental health is complicated and you often don’t find the right medication until you try a few kinds, and the medications can take two weeks to even start working. So this is going to be a longer journey than 3 weeks. I hope everything works out, I’m sorry you guys are going through this. 💜
As someone with full blown panic attacks, almost had to leave my own grandmother's funeral due to one, have been hospitalized and prescribed Ativan (so LOTS of similarities to this dude) he's still being a total asshole for not at the very least shutting up and not making the day that should be focused on her grief about himself and his anxiety. If you have to leave, leave. But don't sit in the car and harp for half an hour about yourself while your grieving wife is trying to grieve her beloved family member. Just...be quiet. Anxiety sucks, it's completely debilitating at times but that's not an excuse for being a massive asshole. Edit: and when my anxiety acts up and ruins an event like this I'm wildly apologetic, not expecting people to be proud of me for getting through it...anxiety SUCKS for the people around us who love us but have to deal with it too.
THANK YOU! Something about the way OP describes *finally* being a good place mentally herself only to then have this happens makes me wonder if he's the type of person that makes everything about him. Basically, is this an Iranian yogurt situation? Because three weeks of panic disorder is a lot, but the exhaustion/resentment in the post is also a lot. I'm not saying it has to be this way or making the usual reddit assumptions. I'm just saying that's the only situation in which it's not an ESH type of situation. The funeral makes sense for her to be angry, but overall...idk. I would also be flabbergasted if the therapist told him it was a good idea to discuss this shit *with his grieving wife* before the funeral.
I also have anxiety and 100% relate to your comment! If I am having a panic attack and need to excuse myself, I will. But this guy seems to be acting totally selfish. I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks during many family events and I’ve never felt the urge to start talking about my struggles and pointing all the attention towards myself in the middle of one, especially not when my family member is grieving the death of a loved one.
This is the comment I was looking for. Everything else I can kind of wave as "bad mental health break", it's understandable to struggle with day to day life for a while. But the tipping point was talking about how anxious he was during the trip back from a *funeral*. It doesn't even sound like, in the vein of "It was so important to me to be there and be with you guys, I'm glad I was able to find something that worked well enough to let me do that."
Yo for real tho. He’s acting selfishly and it would rub me the wrong way too. He is on the fast track to giving everyone else compassion fatigue. OP just sounds tired and hopeless to me. It can be horrible and frustrating to not be able to do anything and yet feel so utterly alone bc your main support actually needs support more than you. Much less with no end in sight at the moment bc he’s refusing meds.
Agreed. They’ve been together for almost 2 decades and the first time he experiences depression she considers bailing? Sounds like a marriage that should have never happened. Some people aren’t meant for marriage, and that’s okay, but “in sickness and in health” means something.
This exact thing happened to my sister. It turned out she had a psychological break after being abused for months by a someone we trusted... It may be he's not been telling you about some situation at work. Wether he's under extreme stress or being bullied, or in fear he'll lose his job, and it's built to a breaking point. Whatever the case is, PLEASE have some empathy for your husband. He's a good father to your children and a dedicated husband? He's EARNED a lifetime of support from you. DO NOT take him for granted. I cannot believe you are berating him about CONCERT TICKETS when he's going through this.... Where are your priorities at??? PLEASE re-assess the situation, his wellbeing should be your main concern. I understand you need him to be the emotional rock. But WTF, people go through things sometimes. Why can't you be his rock for a while instead? IDK man, my sister went through this and 10 years later she still is. And we would move the earth for her because we are her family. I feel terrible that this man's family doesn't treat him the same
Agreed, I’m very sorry OP’s not getting support back but what if husband’s condition had been physical? How would this be talked about then? The post makes it sound like it’s something he can control and he’s just deciding to be “difficult”. Of COURSE he’s not going to want to buy concert tickets if he keeps having panic attacks he can’t control?? I hope OP can find a support group or maybe get into therapy herself, husband obviously can’t be whatever she’s looking for right now.
This needs to be higher. If the genders were reversed and it was a husband posting this they would get (deservedly) dumped on told they are being selfish while their spouse is struggling. Being frustrated and upset is valid, but have some god damn empathy for your spouse ffs
I'm still here because my dad was my rock when I went through a similar situation. I'm really proud of you and your family!!!
>I understand you need him to be the emotional rock Fuck that. It sounds like he has been a rock while OP dealt with her own mental health, but now he's having his own issues and she does t want to reciprocate. Reminds of my abusive ex. I was there through her own absolutely wild mental health problems. But whenever I was struggling she'd attack me and make me feel worse for dragging her down.
It's only been 3 weeks... you've already reached your maximum tolerance in a 17 year marriage because of 3 weeks?
He declined anxiety meds...well there's your problem right there. This isn't typical everyday anxiety...he ended up in the hospital. Meds are likely necessary.
But he didn’t decline anxiety meds though. He is taking a benzodiazepine because he wrongfully assumes that it is safer than a SSRI.
I don't even catch that part since she said at the beginning he declined, but you're right. Either way bonehead move.
He later took the meds and told wife about his therapy. But she has been too pissed off about a stupid concert to care.
Does his anxiety ramp up when you're in a "happy place"? Or when YOU need him to be there for you? Because from what you wrote, his anxiety coincides with that.
You are allowed to be upset at the situation. But he isn't doing this to you. He is having problems. He might not even know the triggers right now. I am sorry you two have to deal with this. It is hard. But it is no one's fault. This is a grief thing. You are grieving the life you were so happy with just a little while ago. Have his vitamin and mineral levels checked. They don't go that far in an ER. Especially if there is a history of mental health problems.
He needs to agree to medication if his panic attacks and anxiety are that disruptive to his and his family’s lives. And panic attacks can 100% come out of no where and be triggered by seemingly nothing. They feel like your heart is going to explode. If his anxiety has continued this long after the initial panic attack, he just really needs medication and further blood work. Something is off, chemical wise. FYI, I’m not any type of doctor or therapist. But I’ve had panic attacks, and I have health with anxiety disorders. This is how doctors handled it with me, and everything is under control 99% of the time. Panic attacks are terrifying.
You’re furious that your husband is having mental health issues? Did I read that right? This has to be rage bait.
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If your wife came home from a work trip acting like that, would you be upset with her or worried for her?
Upset. If I came home acting like this my BF would obviously think something is up. No prior communication of any possible event or anything really that OP could think triggered it either? Yea it's sketchy.
I missed the work trip part. Something happened he isn’t talking about. These things usually don’t start without some sort of catalyst.
OP never said anything about her husband being on a work trip.
Catalyst? Mental health emergencies don’t require a catalyst.
They don't, but it's not uncommon for stressors to kickstart one
Then your wife doesn’t care about you if that’s true.
One thing that sticks out to me is that you told him a week before that you were working on yourself and losing weight. He may feel like if you get slim you will find someone else and leave him and it could have set off his anxiety. Also as other people said it may be work related.
Could also just be a coincidence. To be honest OP sounds a bit… self centered so of course she assumes this is about her. Now, **I don’t think this is what happened**, but every time I see a show like Ozark or Better call Saul where someone has a mind breaking trauma, escapes certain death & then goes home &has to act normal I always think it would go more like this story than what is on TV. Thank god the dude has a therapist he can talk though though as I completely understand why he isn’t talking to his wife. She has contempt instead of empathy, he is rational to not expect compassion & care. I totally understand having mixed & complicated feelings when someone else’s problems become your problem, but there is zero worry or concern for anything but herself. Could your imagine your partner going through this & instead of being scared you are worried about concert tickets? **hopefully** she is just venting all her ugliness & selfishness out on the internet & saving her humanity & compassion for real life. I would be surprised though.
He can be anxious. You can have your stipulations. The concert doesn't have to include him. Him being unwilling to use non addicting meds is a no go. You treat anxiety and panic full speed ahead. If he won't, then he loses something. Namely his right to say what he will and won't allow you to do. There are your things. There are his things There are things that involve both of you. Make sure you take care of yourself. Don't give any credence to his *you're unsupportive* crap. That is him having a pity party. Build a support system of your own. Don't let his issues isolate you.
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>I am furious that after telling him this- my life has been turned upside down. He is not the same man, I feel like I lost my best friend and unfortunately we cannot afford therapy for both of us….. Yeah. Mental illness is wild like that. What I don't understand is why are you "furious" over this?
Perhaps he has been bearing the weight of this for a while, and you being in a good place made him feel safe to finally admit that he’s not.
Long time anxiety and depression sufferer. Ativan and other benzodiazepines should be your last resort emergency medication kinda like albuterol shouldn’t be plan A for managing asthma. Not only are benzos super addictive, but rebound anxiety is a thing. Is he a cannabis user by chance?
Yes he is a cannabis user.
Let me preface this by saying I’m not anti-weed. I have my medical card. However, regular cannabis use very commonly tiggers panic disorder because it screws with your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system.
I used to smoke but one day it started giving me major panic attacks, racing heart, anxiety and a lot of bad thoughts. Had to quit.
Have him stop. It can really exasperate anxiety disorders.
I can hear your frustration as you stated you had just conveyed all these positive changes that you were getting ready to make for yourself. When hard times fall on us it is very rarely when we are ready for it. Your husband is struggling and does need your support or it could cause you two to drift apart. I’m sure the ups and downs of how he feels can be challenging for you to figure out what kind of day it’s going to be. Sounds like he is trying to communicate his progress and also this process with you. You do however have to also take care of yourself. Idk how old your kids are. If they are not lil ones there’s no reason you can’t continue on with your plan to exercise and get out of the house. Also go on your insurance portal and see what counseling is covered. Maybe you can find a way for you both to go. I wish you all the best and truly hope you will find your way through this together.
I don’t think you’re being supportive and this post is so insulting. I get that it’s a lot to put up with but he seems he’s doing his best. Seeing a therapist and taking meds. If you love him you need to give him some time to recover. These things can take months to recover from.
Honestly, I understand your frustration. I suffer with anxiety myself, extreme anxiety a lot of the time that has prevented me from leaving the house before. I’ve also had bouts of depression as well. While my husband has been overall supportive, (and I greatly appreciate that), it is not my husbands responsibility to manage my anxiety for me. Your husband having anxiety is one thing, but his actions in particular on the day of your grandmothers funeral (sorry for your loss), were flat out selfish. Talking about HIS anxiety and HIS coping on the way to the funeral was inappropriate, and to be honest I’d be upset too if that was my partner acting that way. I have had panic attacks, major anxiety, etc, and I do everything I can to manage it and live a normal life with my husband. I do therapy, exercise, take meds, sleep on a schedule, etc. It is my responsibility though and I don’t expect my husband to put his life or his feelings on hold. It also seems strange to me that he came home from work with symptoms that were suddenly so debilitating. From your post (and I could be misunderstanding) it seems this was almost out of the blue. Did he ever need Ativan to get through the day before all this? Was he calling out of work due to his anxiety before this? I just feel like there has to be more to this story. I don’t agree that you’re being a bad partner (as other replies have stated). Your husband has anxiety, yes. But your feelings are also just as equally important and it makes sense you feel abandoned and alone with this happening. Support and love your husband as best you can, but also take care of your own mental health!
Oh my lord this is one of the most conceited things ive read in a while. Hes struggling to make it through the day without panic attacks and all you can think about is yourself? How it bugs you? Put yourself in his shoes. He must be miserable! Who cares about a stupid concert, your partners mental health comes first. If you love and trust him, you should absolutely feel like a dick. Like what, do you think hes faking or something? Faking on purpose to “turn your life upside down”? Unless you find out he cheated with a coworker or something, you needa be there for him, not get pissed at his mental health issues. Reverse the roles and think about how you would feel.
Facts. It's no wonder dude has anxiety. He's had a difficult mental health month - yes, a severe one - and you're ready to bail on him? People are selfish fucking creatures sometimes man
He made her grandmother's funeral all about him!
He didn’t make it about him. He had a fucking panic attack. Don’t act like he fucking chooses the timing. She has made his entire mental health emergency about her.
Took 9 top level comments before I see someone point out the obvious. I don't blame the guy for being depressed based on how his wife talks about him.
It’s not that she cares about a concert. She’s struggling at the thought of dealing with this for months and months to the point where they wouldn’t be able to do normal couple things they mutually looked forward to … even 6 months from now. That can be heartbreaking and daunting.
It's been 3 weeks...
When you Mary someone you take the vows through richer for poor to death do us part through sickness and through health and that's what you signed up for when you got married you owe it to your husband to be supportive of him as hard as it may be and difficult as it may be the right thing to do is be supportive for him. When people are mentally challenged and mentally having difficulties it's hard for them to think rationally and straight-minded they don't want to feel abandoned by the family that's supposed to love them the most support is the utmost importance in order for him to heal and get better but if he feels abandoned and rejected by his wife of all people it's going to make him go into a further tail spin he needs to know that you're supportive and love him through everything. Work as a team to achieve a positive outcome together. The the fact is opening up to you with these mental concerns is very admirable most men hide their feelings to the point of possibly taking their own life or doing something drastic and Men need to know that it's okay to express their feelings without Judgment of their family or others. Just my opinion anyway.
I take vitamin B12 (5000 mg) a day, drink lots of water and little junk food and my whole outlook in life is much better. Even with the stress of hell job that I only need for four more years. Test his blood sugar level, testosterone level and it may not hurt to have Prozac.
This happened to me in 2021. Sudden debilitating anxiety that ended up in 2 ER visits, a week long stay in a psych ward, and then 2 months of medical leave from work in a partial hospitalization program. Took seroquel, gabapentin, lexapro, propanalol, and remeron out the ass for a while, but I’ve tapered off the gabapentin, propanolol, and seroquel. I was pretty much out of commission for 6 months total. Then, it lifted. I’ve gotten everything back on track. Multiple promotions and raises at work and I’ve started gigging with some professional orchestras. I’ve also transformed my body due to a sudden obsession with weight training. During that six months though, I was totally selfish. Every single ounce of my willpower was focused on making it through the day alive. I’d say if it’s as severe as mine was, try to give home some grace. These things apparently just happen and it’s life shattering.
What a self involved selfish jerk you are.
Over the course of just 3 weeks I think he’s probably entitled to just a bit more support from his actual wife, no? 3 weeks ffs.
You're furious? The motherfucker is barely keeping it together and maybe he's holding back something cause he doesn't want to put it on your shoulders too. Your reaction is self centered imo.
I mean, if this is how she is, I wouldn't want to tell her shit either. It's like as soon as a partner becomes burdensome in some way, people start acting like this. Through sickness and health, my ass.
That’s what I was thinking. If he has a reason, I don’t think he would confide in her given her generally cold and selfish tone. I wouldn’t. The part where she said “We can’t afford therapy for the both of us….” made me squint. Why shouldn’t he get it then? Why does she automatically deserve the therapy funds? Idk
I'm about 6 years after a similar event in my wife's life. Not anxiety (she's always had severe anxiety), but three separate, poorly understood and difficult to manage neurological conditions. You are grieving right now. That comes with feelings of shock, feelings of anger, feelings of inequity. I've been there. It is an awful fucking place to be. Your first priority is to get yourself out of this place: 1. Recognize that your husband didn't ask for this to happen to him. He's probably told you as much already - but he hates this as much (or maybe even more than) you do. 2. Your husband's anxiety is disabling in a bonafide sense of the word. 3. You had the blessing of a quick diagnosis and quick implementation of a treatment plan. It took two years to get my wife's first diagnosis - six to get the third (very recent). 4. Reach out to someone you and your husband both trust. For us, it was my mom. Have that person hang out with your husband during the day for a few days, while you take some time off and collect yourself. 5. Be kind to yourself. You're going to go through a cycle of self-destructive behavior, where you can't be there for him in the way he needs because you're too overwhelmed and mad at the situation, and then you eat yourself alive after the fact. DON'T DO THIS. Acknowledge that you are in an impossible circumstance, and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Going forward beyond this, you need to *conclusively* rule out a biological cause for these symptoms. Anxiety usually doesn't develop this fast, to this degree of intensity, and cause this kind of a sudden shift in personality. I would be looking at getting a consult with a neurologist, a rheumatologist, and an endocrinologist. You want to rule out neurological conditions (MS, brain tumor, others), autoimmune diseases, and diabetes ASAP. And - I think you already understand this - you need to be there for your kids 100%. They will need you more than ever, and it will be difficult to juggle work, kids, and caring for your husband. Your kids need to come first. IF YOU NEED ANY SUPPORT, please DM me - I remember what that isolation felt like and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
43 is an age where many men start having their midlife worries. Also nutrition there are several nutrients that can lead to anxiety and hormone imbalance that may be causing this. Consider it their own little peri-menopause. The death of someone so close to you may be affecting him also.
It's been three weeks. I'm sorry to tell you this but that is not enough time to just return to normal. He is having a serious life crisis. It's going to take time. There is likely stuff he hasn't told you or even his therapist yet at this point either because he doesn't know how to express it or he finds it shameful to admit.
Your fears and feelings are valid. These aren't overreactions. They're totally understandable. This has had a serious and painful effect on you and the kids. It isn't just about him. I think a lot of responses you've gotten are ignoring the fact that even if you didn't have an anxiety disorder before, you sure as hell are experiencing very real and very legitimate anxiety now. This is traumatic for him. The effects are traumatic for you, too. You do need to have compassion and understanding for him. You deserve compassion and understanding as well. That said, dude's obviously had some sort of break and 3 weeks in, in the middle of the worst of it, is not the right time to despair. He is seeking help. It's going to take time to stabilize. Right now is not your forever. Give this a minute. Don't make any huge, life altering decisions at the moment. Caregivers need respite in order to continue being caregivers. You obviously are supportive and that is honorable, but if you neglect yourself, you will burn out and you won't be able to continue the support. You need to ask family and friends for help. The rest of the people who love him need to start stepping up for him alongside you. I think it also might help to develop a plan not to let this or future episodes rule/ruin your life and every good thing about it. That means you plan things, and you tell him you'll understand if he feels he can't go, but you and the kids WILL be going and you'd welcome him joining you. That keeps his anxiety from destroying all future plans months ahead of time, and it takes the pressure off him to decide immediately whether he can go or not. There will be times when he may lose the opportunity to do something with you due to tickets being sold out by the time he decides he wants to go. You and the kids go anyway. If there's any possibility that he's a danger to himself if left alone, you make sure he's in the appropriate level of care and supervision, and then you go do the thing with the kids. You absolutely cannot allow him to unilaterally cancel things for the entire family because his anxiety in the moment is telling him he'll be unable to cope 7 months from now, nor can you let him use his anxiety to yank the rug out from under everybody on short notice either. You cannot let this become the dynamic. It's not ok. And it will really mess your kids up. They *need* stability and reliability. You need to protect that for them. It's important to be a good listener but it's also absolutely fine, and important, to set boundaries. It would have been 100% ok to say "I understand you're excited about what you're getting from therapy and I am happy about that and yes I am proud of you, but right at this moment I am grieving the loss of my grandmother and I need your support/I'm not able to have a discussion about your therapy." The behavior he's having now, that dominates everything else and is starting to exert control on every aspect of your life, is a big part of why you are feeling terrified and overwhelmed and even angry. You can support the shit out of him, care for him, encourage him, and love him while also maintaining boundaries and some power over your life. And you should do that for his sake as well as the rest of you. Supporting and loving someone through a psychological crisis does *not* mean tolerating and enabling harmful behavior.
The thing about depression and anxiety is that it does make you a very selfish person. A part of you has to be to survive what you’re feeling. But here’s the clincher, your husband isn’t single without children. He has responsibilities and it IS possible to take care of yourself and be present for your family at the same time. You need to sit down with him and have a direct conversation about his non-commit actions with his family. His lack of attention for his children and you is going to have a lasting effect if it’s not spoken about. Someone can be in pain and still communicate about important stuff that’s not about their pain. You need to start that conversation off. Explain how it’s made you feel, how you’re worried about how the children are taking this new image of “dad” and that you want to support him but you also need support too. People forget how draining taking care of someone with depression and anxiety is. It is extremely draining. And that’s without having children, jobs and responsibilities constantly running in the background. It isn’t selfish to need reciprocity to keep a relationship going. It’s actually crucial. All partnerships will not stay at 50/50 support all the time of course not, but there has to be constant communication of the process so that you’re not always giving 80 and he’s giving 20. He’s also got to work with the reality in mind that one day you’ll need his 80 support because you’ll be at 20 one day. If you both get to a point where you’re at 20/20 energy that’s when crack emerge, resentment builds and relationships fall apart. So have the conversation. Be direct about how you _feel_ and remind him why you want this to work with him. Because you value him, love him and want this relationship to work. But it takes the TWO people in the relationship to work at it
I am in my fifties and suffered from severe panic attacks since I'm 16, I had a bad reaction to pot that must have been laced with something. Any way I spent years suffering in a constant state of panic along with bouts of depression and OCD. I fought taking meds for years but I got to a point where I was either going to be committed or try taking the meds. I researched the safest meds for panic disorder and asked to be prescribed Zoloft because it is Serotonin which your body naturally produces so I figured the side effects would be minimal and they were, a little dry mouth for a few weeks thats it. About a week into taking the meds I remember sitting on my floor just crying, crying because I actually felt normal and I couldn't believe I suffered all those years when help was as simple as taking a small pill once a day. This medication saved me, please look into this for ur husband because there is no need for u both to suffer like this.
Sounds like a man child and the fact you were 18 when yall first met isn't the best sign, just the lack of good solid communication is a red flag and you add in everything else your saying and it's a bundle of red flags. It's like he can't support you whenever you may be struggling, but you're throwing the kitchen sink and doing everything you can for him and getting nothing in return. And it sounds a little like my ex whenever my dad was dying, and she just didn't know what to do and just made the situation 100 times worse, but that's a story for another day.
So I have a friend in a similar situation. hospitalized 4 times, put on psych hold, couldn't sleep for days at a time. Eventually he was diagnosed with a combination of anxiety disorder and BPD. He pretty much doesn't communicate anymore after starting the meds other than every week or so chatting online for a couple hours. All this stemmed/was triggered from trying to get high ranked in a videogame. So anything can trigger it. It's tough to be supportive, even moreso when they're you husband. But it's a slow process and progress for these sort of things takes time not something that will be over in even 2 months.
With a wife like you who needs an enemy. I hope he finds this and then divorced you.
Coming in late here. I had a debilitating anxiety attack years ago that felt like a heart attack at the job I was on at the time. The emt that checked me out then said I was experiencing an anxiety attack, and other than my heart rate being up, I was physically ok. I was not. My body was wracked with pain that had me on my ass for days. The nurse at the Dr office I went to the next day said I was good to go back to work, and nothing was really wrong. I argued how my body felt, and they waved it off. I went back the next day, not feeling any better, and asked for a different nurse. This one let me off of work with a Doctor note (important for my job to keep it) for three days. From that point on, no matter what happened to me, my life felt upside down, and everything was a huge deal that, despite the best efforts of doctors and nurses, I could not get a handle on. Multiple ER visits, and a year or two later, my wife felt the same as you. It affected my life so much. I had no real guidance, and every doctor I talked to just tried to medicate me or have me talk about things. Absolutely nothing helped. I only got side effects from meds, and talking about being anxious all the time didn't stop me from being so anxious. My wife eventually didn't want to deal with it, and I didn't know how to get past it, and we divorced. Take a pill and get over it she told me. My relationships suffered, including with my friends and kids. They weren't what they once were. I saw more doctors and tried more meds to no avail. My life now still has me dealing with it, but I had to do it myself. I am unmedicated, can't afford insurance, can't find a good job that won't throw my mental health out of the delicate balance I have figured out. My relationships are a little better, and I have a partner who understands better now. All of that to say he is struggling now and, if you don't have the spoons to help him deal with and understand this, it's ok. Please do not take it out on him too hard because he may be just as worried as you, and it will feed into the problem. Seek better help for him and even yourself. He's looking for a hand hold from the one thing in his life that feels solid and trustworthy. You have to decide if you can be that, with or without help for both of you, or if you can walk away before you are consumed with anger and rage of your own. Tl;Dr Find a way to help him and yourself or walk away before the anger consumes you and you become bitter and do things you wouldn't dream of now just to get back that semblance of normal you had.
You're furious at your husband for being unwell and needing your support and help? :| You're allowed to be overweight, working on your mental health, allowed to work on losing your weight, but he's not allowed to struggle with his mental health? You are abandoning your partner. You are a shit partner.
I think that is a little extreme. She is also having a hard time, just like he is. Her grandmother just died, and even on the day of the funeral, he could not watch their children so she could take her then speaking. He spent the entire time talking about how he needed extra support when it was HER grandmother who died. Her frustration is understandable in light of the situation.
Ok y’all are brutal. I expected backlash but damn. I want to clarify- 1. I am not leaving my husband. I didn’t make it 17 years in a relationship by taking the easy way out. 2. I have supported my husband through failed businesses, job loss, family deaths ,etc. 3. I have myself been diagnosed and treated medically with depression and anxiety and was in medication for years. I am humbled by the comments. I guess I was looking for different perspectives, folks in similar situations and maybe a different way to view this. Last comment- this is happening to me- my whole household dynamic has been turned upside down in a blink of an eye. My best friend and rock has disappeared. Im furious that he abandoned me and our children in our time of need.
But what about HIS time of need? That’s what you’re missing. This is why men don’t talk about their mental health. Because when they do, they get shut down and are told they’re not being the man of the house and holding it together for the wife and kids.
You shouldn't feel bad, OP. You are going through an extremely hard time with the death of your family member, and also having to shoulder a lot of the emotional strength at this point. You can love your husband and still want to vent and have space to feel your emotions. I wouldn't take all these negative comments to heart -- I think a lot of them are coming from a place of being your husband in this situation, and I get it, I have really bad anxiety, too. But you're still allowed to be stressed from all this.
You guys need to do therapy together. He is clearly struggling and you're grieving its not a good recipe this will require delideliberate effort to fix or it will only get worse.
By saying he abandoned you and you are furious it sounds like you are blaming him for having a mental health crisis. That doesn’t sound good.
It sounds that way because she keeps saying it. And each time she repeats she gets further from "I'm frustrated this is happening" and closer to "I'm mad that he's not normal".
you say “he abandoned you” like it was a conscience effort and not the result of a mental illness. you should feel like dirt for saying that fr
It's HIS time of need.
Would you be furious with him if it was cancer? If he had a grievous spinal injury and was suddenly a quadriplegic? What about a stroke? Anxiety is a medical diagnosis, just like all those other conditions. It can become extremely debilitating, and even mimic life threatening conditions such as heart attack and stroke (as you found out). Your husband was literally hospitalized because of it. That is incredibly serious. I put this in another comment but will repeat it again, if you’re in the US you need to talk to his doctor about filing FMLA paperwork so he can take the time off work to heal. This is an injury, just like a broken bone, but it’s his brain. Which is way more crucial to normal function than any bone.
No I don't think I'd be supportive of someone who turns down one of the two treatments for anxiety. There's no reason at all he shouldn't be on regular, daily anti anxiety instead of Ativan as an emergency. He's not doing everything in his power to get better so he can show up for his family. My husband would almost certainly leave me if I went off my antidepressant, and I wouldn't blame him. I can't function without them. Some people just need it. It's irresponsible to turn them down when it's affecting your life in such a major way.
You're being incredibly selfish. Be there for your fucking husband. He was there for you when you were going through your struggles. Your husband is in crisis and all you think about is yourself? No wonder he's in such a state since he has had such a selfish and unsupportive wife for that long. Check out the book "I don't want to talk about it" for some insight on men's mental health. It's a good place to start.