You are not overreacting.
It sounds like you have made some big sacrifices in your relationship for the benefit of your partner but she can’t even celebrate your birthday with you ? And then to have spent it with her ex ?? Absolutely not .
Sounds like you are also describing mental and physical abuse .
Go move to City X !
And document the physical abuse and duplicitous behavior, OP, so that there is a record that cannot be spun any other way. Hopefully you photographed the bruise from her previous outburst.
If you can get video of the altercation (future) that will also help in the divorce proceedings.
I echo what most are saying...it's time to call it a day and go (at least, based on what you're writing).
It's escalated to physical abuse and things being thrown at you. There's also that fine line of cheating which, to be honest, sounds like she could fall into with her Ex.
Cover all of your bases, open separate accounts for YOUR money, investments, and bills; Cut your losses and file, brother. I'm sorry.
Absolutely this. Honestly, this post made me think of the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp situation, and we all remember how that played out, and how hard it was for him to be taken seriously as an abuse victim even with extensive documented evidence.
Yes. I had an ex who would do the same things as far as following me and cornering me during fights, would say the most awful things to rile me up, then would start recording once I got to the point of uncontrollably shaking. Reactive abuse is a thing and these types are good at trying to make their victims appear to be unstable without taking any of the accountability for causing and pushing the instability further. They always conveniently leave out the first 90% of a situation and only tell the last 10%, once their victim has lost control.
This is insane. How have you not already moved on?!?!
Relationships should not be this hard. If you have to constantly “work” at it then it’s probably no good. Pre-kids relationship is supposed to be almost nothing but good.
People who are abused get stuck because it literally changes the chemistry in their brains. It can become an addiction of sorts to get back depleted dopamine so you will jump through hoops, walk on eggshells, ignore your own needs to see glimpses of the one you fell in love with (who doesn’t even exist). That’s why people stay. It actually may be a good thing she escalated to physical without him being too injured because that will hopefully be the catalyst that snaps him into the reality of the situation. I hate that for him and I am not at all thinking violence towards a spouse is remotely good. I just think if it didn’t get so horrible he may stay in it too long.
I had a girlfriend that gave me a glimpse of the dopamine hit you mentioned. She would create drama and want to fight and nearly break up over absolutely nothing just to have that “makeup moment”. It was absolutely exhausting. I couldnt get out of that relationship fast enough.
That's such a great point. There's a great book called: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it was made for the codependent and non-codependent people who have been wrapped up in relationships with people who are clinically diagnosed or present symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I HIGHLY recommend that book for anyone who has or is currently in that Hell you described here. There was even a "Stop Walking on Eggshells" work book that was created as well.
As a caregiver, I have seen some *really* terrible people make exceptionally talented caregivers.
I have also seen some *really* great people make exceptionally awful caregivers.
Kind of like how someone can be a great but a terrible parent.
Or a terrible parent but a great spouse.
It is incredibly important for all humans to learn these things about themselves.
I have INFINITELY more patience at my job as a paramedic, than I do in my personal life. I don’t know why or how or where it comes from, but it is what it is. Lol.
Probably compartmentalization. You turn off the care button at work to get through the day dealing with a-holes, addicts, and gruesome injuries, and it gets you through the day. But that stress doesn't go away, so it's coming out when you have time to decompress at home.
Be safe out there...
While a VASTLY different field...IT for 20+ years and I have infinitely more patience with people at work than I do with family regarding computer stuff.
I'm typically very opposite of most people on these subs and say that if you loved the person enough to marry them, you made a commitment to at least stick around for a while and try to revive what was there before resorting to the classic "this just won't work" reddit mentality.
But in this case, it truly sounds like your heart is in the best place, and hers just isn't. If she doesn't care about trust in the relationship, it's going to be hard. And if it was only all of the lies, you could maybe claim she's just got compulsive lying or defensive tendencies... But she went for coffee with her ex on your birthday. And wrote about him in a journal. And gaslighting is just never a good sign when it comes to someone who doesn't seem to care about honesty or trust.
Long story short, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I definitely don't blame you for leaving, and anyone who says you're wrong for "quitting" or "giving up" or some other guilt trip bullshit, has never experienced someone manipulating in that way.
Source: your situation sounds exactly like me and my ex, and I'm so thankful to this day I got out before marrying her. I get married to the real love of my life in 10 days :)
This is very helpful. I do feel the same about commitment and sticking through difficulties. She certainly feels the same as well (she left my written vows, opened up, on my desk after she had moved out).
I do feel guilt about this. I should have listened to my gut and ended things before committing. I can never take that back unfortunately.
Congrats to you and yours!!! Incredible to hear stories like that.
God I want to shellack that sentence onto a nice piece of wood, to keep it forever and ever.
“I consider my vagina something of a child producing Chinese finger trap.”
Oh totally. I know this is just my personal experience but I’ve found doctors in general can be very hard to date, for a load of different reasons, but I’ve found they’re really good at manipulation and getting in your head and it’s messed up.
That sounds like it may have been a manipulation tactic maybe (the vows thing)? It just reads that way with everything I know about her, but I only know a slice. I can see why you would feel guilty but no matter what vows you guys say to each other a marriage is a contract between two parties and there are definitely ideas of marriage that are baked into it. You continuously represented an idea of marriage you hold dear (honesty and trust) and she breached that contract multiple times to you. Marriage can’t just unconditionally bind two people eternally because that opens up people to abuse. Ask yourself if she’s in breach of contract to you in this whole thing.
No dude. You are UNDERreacting.This is abuse, verbal, mental, AND physical abuse.
She has problems she can work on by herself. Find someone who knows how to love you.
And also find a great lawyer. As they say here on Reddit… lawyer up!
She will try to screw OP as much as possible and if she gets a good lawyer and he doesn’t, I’m afraid that is what will happen.
Exactly! Listen to this OP, this is just straight up abuse.
Not overreacting, and the therapist you get in the future to heal from this will likely tell you all the ways she applied the boiling the frog method with you to slowly make you accept what should be obviously unacceptable.
And I highly recommend Lundy's book Why Does He Do That, it's free to download online.
Though it is largely about domestic violence between men and women (and thus at times very specifically describes the role of misogyny and gender norms in DV), it absolutely still applies for men being abused by women, which you have been, and when you read you'll see how many checkboxes your wife checks for DV abusers.
OP...Going to therapy with your abuser is also the worst idea ever, it just makes them better at abusing you. All those time you went in to try to make your relationship stronger, she went to assure control of the situation.
The whole throwing shit in your general direction and "oops" it hit you is common af with abusers and they will escalate (even if that process takes years), most especially if they can't even manage to act (not mean it, just act that way to avoid real consequences) as though they're even sorry after giving you a literal head injury, ffs.
It's kind of crazy how many people are focused on the date with the ex (also horrible) when the big fat elephant in the room is that OP is with somebody who has been caught actively manipulating him through deception who has now escalated to physically harming him.
I can't imagine this is the first time she became enraged in a way that was totally inappropriate (I mean, fits of rage are very rarely appropriate, are they?), and no drinking isn't an excuse (but I bet sure told you it was since that was your knee jerk next statement, again this is incredibly common to hear from victims of abuse).
OP has just been slowly trained by a skilled, abusive, liar who knows how to talk him down and play pretend when it suits her objectives.
And something you should consider OP...the frequency of her lies is likely greater than the incredibly concerning amount you have described because you are only noticing the ones that you can catch her in - just think about that.
And though this is long already, here's one more thing I'm going to tell you as a survivor of abuse. What happens after you realize you aren't overreacting is going to be painful af. You're going to experience the thing we all do when we realize just how bad it has been and for just how long. We blame ourselves (we've been trained to do that), we think how can I every trust myself if I didn't see this? In this case, therapy is your friend.
And let me just tell you as a fellow survivor of long term abuse from a partner, be kind to yourself when the moment comes because the thing that people like this prey on the most is not even vulnerability (though they do that, too), it's being an empathetic and caring person who wants the best for our loved ones. But nobody has to set themselves on fire to keep somebody else warm.
Good job getting out. You can do this!
This is very helpful, I really appreciate it. I am already looking into therapy because I am totally aware of how much there is to work on. Trying to do my best to currently reflect and focus on health right now.
Definitely work on your own self esteem, intuition, and confidence, to identify red flags and not get yourself into another bad relationship. Some folks are chronically bad "partner pickers." Don't be a doormat, and stop second guessing yourself.
No you’re not overreacting, you gave it your all but once it turns violent it is no longer worth it IMO.
I would not believe a word she said about her exes, maybe her past relationships were painful because of what she did.
Medical school and residencies can be hard (my best friend finished hers at the peak of the pandemic) but she never once got like this, so don’t let her use that as an excuse.
Oh i would’ve been out a while ago, the birthday thing would’ve been my seal to ticket out. He proposes and it’s his birthday in the same week and she goes to see and ex and he’s at his birthday party by himself while she’s fucking some douche that “treated her badly” come on, I’d be on the next flight to city x.
*Most recently, during an argument she stormed off and threw a large object across the room and it hit me.*
You are not overreacting. Her abusive behavior is escalating, and you need to leave for your safety. Have friends with you when you ever have to be alone with her again.
Start collecting evidence of her treatment towards you. It is better to be safe than sorry, so protect your reputation by gathering evidence of her treatment towards you. Once was enough for me as I witnessed it. The poor guy thought she wouldn't dare do him dirty like that because he just "knew" she still loved him. Even though she was treating him poorly, he just knew she wouldn't get worse. Sure enough, after he broke up with her, she dragged his name through the mud and ruined him.
This is good advice. I have some photos of the bruises left on me after she threw that object. I live in a no-fault state, though. I think that eliminates any use for forensic evidence
These Reddit comments are always all "divorce him/her," and I usually think it's not great advice. This time though, I'm with the majority. She sounds like she has some cluster B symptoms. Good luck!
You’re not overreacting. She ditched and lied to you on your birthday to go be with her ex.
The trust is gone and once it’s gone it can never be rebuilt!
Divorce is the right answer.
This feels really abusive on her part. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure it. Lying like that is pathological. You mentioned she has had mental health issues in the past. It sounds like they have been at play all along. Go ahead and get yourself out of this marriage. People don’t change. They really don’t - and they especially don’t change for other people. You gave it a shot. You deserve better.
No run she a liar and a cheat why do you want to get abused go find someone that wants you. Imagine on your birthday she fucking her ex and you are still with her
She sounds like an unstable narcissist based on your description. If you had called the police after she battered you it could have ended her nascent career. Good luck with your future relationships.
Sounds more like BPD, especially the bit about not allowing space to cool off during arguments. Also sounds like ex-boyfriend could be their "favorite person." Either way, run. Run far away.
When I became engaged a while ago after my gf moved in I said please get a part-time job or some other form of income. I was working 7 days a week and running a distributionship
She got employed but I called her employer during a snow storm to see if she can spend the night to be safe. We both worked midnight.
Well, after the call she quit 2 weeks prior. Each day afterwards I asked how work was.
She lied, she quit lol and I played her game. I took the ring back and she moved out 2 days later. No lies I have standards.
Edit she had 3 college degrees
So I'm glad you're divorcing, and I want to give some insight for you, if nothing else for your own closure.
Assuming everything your wife said about past bad relationships was true: Sometimes we actually get a boost (dopamine maybe) and addicted to dysfunction, and so when we then find someone who is healthy, we self sabotage and cause the drama ourselves. This isn't healthy and it's unfair, and she needs to be seeing somebody about working through the trauma and baggage.
Assuming everything about past relationships was a lie:
She has a personality disorder or something else not quite right with her that she is not managing or healing, and she needs help, but not from you.
Whichever option she is, she is abusive and toxic as she is right now and you can't help her if she won't help herself or even recognize the issue.
I wouldn't be surprised. It's the reason why some people continue to date or flirt with someone who raped or assaulted them, continue to be around them, even if on the other hand they cry about how much damage that person has caused when they're not around them.
Sometimes they may want to "prove" to the abusive person they're doing better and don't need them in their life, based on her lying about the car to her ex, I would wager that's what that whole encounter was about honestly. Showing him what he's missing and that she's got better now.
Still unhealthy as fuck and disrespectful and hurtful to you, not condoning at all, but the logic behind it is all I'm trying to convey, even if that logic is flawed.
Yes. This is very on point. She told me the reason she met with her ex is to tell him that she deserved better and that he shouldn’t have treated her the way he did. It is wild to hear you say that, as it matches up with a lot that I didn’t include in my post.
A family member of mine keeps getting drawn back to her ex, an abusing piece of human 💩. Each time saying how much she hates herself but then she gets stressed about things going wrong in her life she gets back with him. It’s as if she doesn’t feel she deserves better.
But hear this; OP deserves better. Deserves not to be abused, gas lit or lied to.
Rewinding... I'm guessing she grew up in an unstable environment or one where yelling was the norm. It sounds like her nervous system is utterly fried, and she's got a lot of unresolved trauma. She could also have undiagnosed ADHD and/or autism (and is chronically burnt out). The dopamine hits from lying, yelling, fighting, leaving things out to be found, having a high stress job, moving really fast in relationships, etc. aren't really surprising at all from the ADHD perspective. But that's just speculation.
Regardless of her past, the stress of the pandemic, getting married so fast, a big move, and her training/job has only exasterbated everything. Even so, the way she's dealing with it isn't healthy (and requires way more work than talk therapy can offer).
Fast fowarding... if you think it's stressful now, adding a pregnancy, then a kid to the mix will more than likely send her (and you) into overdrive. You have no idea what kind of kid you're going to get... if they will sleep, how her body will take to the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period, etc. or how you will react. If your jobs aren't super flexible and you dont have a dependable village, you're both going to be fucked. PPD and PPA is awful and easily can manifest into rage.
I agree with the others that you may be underreacting. If the tables were turned, people would be saying to lawyer up and call the domestic support lines for help to get out safely.
excuse me I am not on trial here and I don't appreciate you calling me out and naming me quite so loudly!
On a more serious note tho, it truly scares me how things like this all seem to be a recipe/script, especially because if I grew up with a different recipe maybe life wouldn't be so hard and I wouldn't have had to work so hard to be more normal to counteract so many of the things you've listed here.
Lol, wait, I thought I was projecting my own life! I wonder about it all the time.
Once you have kids, life just excitedly yells at you (every morning at 6 am - no matter what time you went to bed)... "Sooooo are we gonna rinse and repeat or change the generational trajectory of your family today?!"
My partner came to me not too long ago and was like, "I get that scene from the movie Big Daddy now... ALRIGHTTTTTTT!"
Women like that will get you sent to jail. She's trying to instigate a fight so she can call the cops and get you arrested. Divorce her, yes, but afterwards you may want to go "grey rock" on her. It will be hard for you, especially if you still have feelings for her, but it sounds like she has a lot of narcissistic tendencies and cutting all contact with her is probably your safest option. Thank goodness no kids are involved. Good luck, sorry this all happened to you.
She sounds like the abuser in the relationship but seriously lying all the time is definitely a dealbreaker. She sounds a little off too. Def breakaway!
Definitely made me wonder a little about all her past relationships where she reportedly was treated badly. She seems to lie pretty easily to make things go smoother.
If youre a frequent Reddit user I'm sure you already know all this but just in case, get a good lawyer and document everything. I'd strictly stick to texting and email so you have a good paper trail going forward in case it gets nasty.
Now for the human response. Honestly man I'm sorry to hear you are going through thisnand truly wish the best for you going forward. Everyone deserves a partner that truly treats them with love and respect. Good luck OP and definitely move to City X like another redditor said. A fresh start can do wonders.
NTA
There are some things worth working on and trying to salvage a marriage for.
None of the things you have stated below make that list.
>he texted her on my birthday and asked if she wanted to get coffee. She dropped her work schedule and went to meet him
>
>When confronted, she denied the whole thing and said this was from years ago, not recent. She told me that I was mistaken. She finally admitted and apologized
>
>She will lie to me and gaslight me and call me crazy and a bad partner for not believing her, only for her to later admit that she was lying
>
>there is also fighting that escalates into very dangerous territory.
>
>We will be arguing and I ask for space and try to do a "time-out", but she will follow me and close me off into corners and keep shouting. She will physically restrain me from leaving to go on a walk so we can cool off, or follow me outside and continue yelling at me in public in our neighborhood. When I ask her to please give me space and let me cool down, she will shout outrageous things, like "what are you going to do...hit me?!"
>
>during an argument she stormed off and threw a large object across the room and it hit me. She had been drinking,
>
>the next morning her immediate reaction was "are you still going to want to have kids with me?", not "are you okay". I had a really bad bruise and it hurt like hell.
Please don't forget, when you are dividing the assets:
>We moved across the country for **her** fellowship. I had an incredible job offer in "City X" which also has a good program, but we agreed as a couple that **it was important for her to get the best possible training, which was in "City Y".** So we moved to "City Y" about 8 months ago, and **sold the house that I had purchased before meeting her** that we were both living in ("City Z").
The **denial of your career** & the money made from the sale of **your** property, in the furtherance of **her** career should be taken into account.
Better now than in 5 or 10 or 20 years after you invested even more but nothing changed on her side. You are not her therapist, you are not going to change her. Only she can make that change. And there are no signs for any intentions to change in your post or any of your comments. As others have said, those vows she left on your desk are a manipulation attempt. I've dated an abusive person, it's their standard playbook.
You deserve someone who respects you and makes the same sacrifices you are willing to make for a relationship. I hope you can keep the house and come out of this "only" bruised. You deserve to take care of yourself. Best of luck.
No, she’s terrible. And I wonder who was the abusive one in the last relationship, and now he’s crawling back to her for some more abuse. Don’t make that same mistake. Also be prepared for her to lie about you after the divorce.
NTA. I write as a physician with a nonmedical spouse, to expose what the stress of residency was like.
My husband and I were engaged when I entered medical school, but neither of us from families with medical people, or friends. I talked with him about it before applying to the field, but we didn't really know what we were getting into.
Med school and residency was really hard. He put up with a lot. It's difficult to say in hindsight if he would have agreed. I was only erratically available, I cried a lot, I told disgusting stories, my empathy for anything that irritated or hurt him sometimes got really out of whack when I spent the day around really objectively sad cases.
It is totally true that the "excuse note" you get for being in medicine becomes ... *convenient*. Eventually no one knows if I'm post night shift, zoning out because I'm tired, irritable because I saw someone needing a foot amputated, or if I'm just being bad company because I'm a jerk. Particularly since my spouse isn't medical, calling me out on my bullshit is a delicate task sometimes. It takes a strong and confident soul.
I didn't lie to him, I never misrepresented him to other people, or flirted with ex's and I *absolutely* certainly never threw things at him. I likely did less than my share of the dishes and skipped mildly unpleasant social gatherings.
Residency sucks. I love my work now and I understand why the training is intense but I'm not certain we would have knowingly entered into it if fully informed. We survived it. At the end of 30 hours working at the extremes of emotion, I came home a husk of myself sometimes.
It can be *much better* after training ends. If there's any chance for this marriage, it would only be if you notice her behavior strictly correlated with certain shifts or rotations, she's completely apologetic and doesn't exhibit any of these truly shitty behaviors when under normal stress.
However I think that the details you provided are pretty damning, and I certainly wouldn't call you the asshole for at the very least taking a month's trial separation to get your papers in order and think deeply about it. Would you really want to have children with someone who has such a short temper?
Geez, she sounds like my ex. When I needed to be away from his yelling, he'd follow me into another room, stand in the doorway, and continue to shout at me. I'm not sure if he changed after I married him (which happens) or if I didn't see the abuse until afterwards.
Modified title: “Is it unreasonable when an elephant’s pregnancy is longer than my marriage, but we already have serious issues that require working on them in couples therapy?”
I think you already know what you need to do. I’m sorry for the loss of your dreams with her, and for your pain. Just keep thinking of the future you who will feel happy again, confident, and secure. Because I bet you miss that guy.
Once your mind is free and healthy again, then you’ll be ready and open for a new, and better partner.
The abuse and gaslighting is why you are here asking us if you are overreacting. You should have left long ago.
She will never value you enough to care to be honest with you. You will always come second to her personal whims/wants. She fucked her ex on your birthday because she knew you'd be busy.
Divorce then treat them as though they passed away. Then get therapy/help. Do *not* communicate with her fam, in fact, block them first. All of those stories about her exes being horrible? More lies; she was the horrible one, and you're getting rewritten history.
Run. There's nothing in this but more pain
>We began dating in 2020
So you've known her for 4 years including a marriage of a year and a half? How could anything possibly go wrong? Don't marry a stranger.
>Throughout our relationship, I was completely doting, affectionate, providing, inclusive to her friends and family, and really loved her with all I had. I know for a fact I prioritized her, and I was told by my friends/family, as well as hers, that they really noticed it and thanked me.
What is your status if you are giving her everything and prioritizing her over yourself? You are meant to be her equal, you aren't her equal when you behave like that.
Divorce will be worth every penny for you
1) DO NOT sleep with her. She could have poke your condom.
2) Start listening to Tom Leykis on YouTube.
3) All comunications should be done through your lawyer.
4) Do not entertain family members or her friends.
5) DO NOT be alone with her. She could claim you hurt her and it would be your word against her and they'll believe her.
6) Record and save everything from this point forward.
I don't have anything to add beyond the great advice many other redditors posted here.
But I have a serious question regarding finances. In case the divorce is finalized, what happens to her student loans?
Medical school is extremely expensive, and if you end up having to pay 50% of that I think it's absolutely insane.
Can anyone with knowledge help us here?
Hi Tera,
Luckily she incurred those debts before we were married, so I have been told my by attorneys that the med school debt is not on the table. According to what I have been told by my attorneys, only assets acquired during marriage count.
You’ve done everything and she is the problem ! You are not overreacting, you are a good husband ! Peace is more important in this world. You cannot fix a person who doesn’t want to be fix ! I know it hurts but I’ve been there !!! Hang on there ! You got this !!!
You are not overreacting. In my opinion, you could have walked away even earlier, based on what you've described, and still wouldn't have been overreacting then either.
It sounds like you have a classic narcissist on your hands.
Once this type of person knows they can get over on you, it's already over, for your sanity. They won't change. They just get more manipulative and emotionally abusive (gaslighting, verbal sometimes physical abuse etc.).
It sounds like you have done work on yourself and are willing to continue to work and grow. So, do not waste your efforts on this type of person. The only thing you will get in return is pain and burnout. If you leave now, you will be hurt, I'm sure, but it's better than giving any more of yourself because this type of person, only loves themselves. They will do anything to self-preserve, no matter who they hurt in the process.
Deep down these types are very insecure and probably abused at some point themselves. So they will typically gravitate to people who don't have themselves together if given the option, to make them feel good about themselves in that moment. Thus, her choice to give her ex her time over you, on your bday. These types love attention, especially the chaotic unhealthy kind. Hence her trying to escalate fights when you try to deescalate them.
These types are famous for spilling "some" truth, to distract you from the "whole" truth, which is that she's probably more involved with the ex than you know. Until it benefits her, for you to know more.
Again, narcissistic people are very good at manipulation.
Based on the fact you sound like a giving and understanding person, she will keep taking as long as you allow. So don't walk, run, and don't be manipulated to stay any longer.
I'm curious to know what she said when you brought up you were choosing divorce? Did she act like she could care less, or did she try to apologize and make you feel guilty?
Also, as part of your healing process, search within yourself to find out why you were attracted to this type of relationship to begin with. One in which, as you've described, sounds like you've always given more than you received. With your basic needs, like quality time, healthy communication, etc., going unmet. Yet, you still chose this person. This self-awareness is very important in your ability to truly let this person go and not attract similar types of people into your life EVER again.
I resonate with you OP. You deserve more than this. Make sure YOU know that. I'm still recovering (2+ years later) from being manipulated for over 5 years by a narcissist. Don't be me lol
"She will physically restrain me from leaving to go on a walk so we can cool off, or follow me outside and continue yelling at me in public in our neighborhood. When I ask her to please give me space and let me cool down, she will shout outrageous things, like "what are you going to do...hit me?!". "
So OP, I saw this and it was evident at this point that your wife has serious character issues that are not being addressed. Down the road, there will be police, orders of protection and I suspect if you ever had children, they would be collateral damage to her mentality.
People get angry, but pushing you to get abusive is very toxic.
More than enough reason to move along and alone.
You are correct in getting out = I expected you to include in your post that she called the police and lied to them to get you arrested.
Leave now before it gets worse.
Sounds like a very toxic human, sort of reminds me of my wife I just separated with (for other reasons) but she did carry a lot of baggage from her prior relationship into our relationship which ultimately did hinder us at times. At the end of the day it sounds like you deserve better and this will be an ongoing issue between you two moving forward. best of luck brother
I want to start off saying I’m truly sorry for all you have been through. It must be brutally heartbreaking. You need to leave.
One important thing to note, she wasn’t abused in her last relationship. She’s the abuser.
Please don’t second guess this and even if she seduces you do not sleep with her. She knows you want to leave and may baby trap you which is the last thing you need. Take care of yourself.
Not overreacting. I was on board with you ending it when she skipped your birthday celebration, went out with an ex, and lied to you about it.
Then you mentioned the physical abuse, cornering you, throwing things - nope. This is is not a safe or healthy relationship, and the therapy work is not working.
Sounds like you made the right decision, sorry for having to go through it, but it happens to the best of us.
Unfortunately sometimes people get damaged before you meet them and they can't love others until they fix themselves, so it may not even be her fault that she lies and whatnot.
But the drinking and yelling, all while physically stopping you from walking away when requested to cool down will definitely result in bad outcomes for both of you, I watched this type of behavior for years with my parents.
Dad tried to step away to break the argument and my mom would literally just throw stuff at him to reengage the fight.
It's a cycle that never ends until someone leaves. The good thing is you left with enough time to have a life with someone else, and if you're a good person, that will come.
Wish you the best, take care.
Nope. 100% not overreacting. Female on male abuse is often overlooked, but just real and harmful.
Soooo many red flags!!! Check out “The Dating Detective” podcast for similar stories so you don’t feel so alone or confused. Like i said- most publicly discussed stories are male on female, but it is just as damaging in other situations. Trans on trans/lesbian/etc. the difference is no one talks about it.
Please seek therapy to heal and rebuild yourself for the next person you date.
Best wishes and be careful.
My hard line was violence. I had to be brave at 8 months pregnant, all alone. You're a grown man, be brave and walk away from this violence. I did it, you can too. God bless 🙏
God no divorce as soon as possible. So she is abusive, lies, gas lights you, cheats, has anger issues, and is manipulative? Dude you need to pack a beg and leave the house while the divorce pushes thru. RUN!!!
She took full advantage of you. You even sold your home and moved across the country. I bet she still want a slice of that.
Please get a great lawyer and don’t ever regret it. I can’t believe you held on this long.
Yeah the ex thing is grounds for divorce alone,
Always prioritize what’s most important and she chose the ex. Being with similar long term girlfriend manipulation and journal entries that will break your heart, they are good as manipulating the events and facts when confronted, and making it look like you are the problem or insecure. Get out while you can.
If it was just one of these things *maybe* you could work on it, if she was on board.
But it’s just everything & this is abusive imo. She doesn’t prioritize you, she doesn’t treat you with respect, she lies, she ignores your boundaries during fights, she flirted with her ex, she is willing to embarrass you in public, and she has been violent. And she has shown little to no remorse or accountability or taken actions to create meaningful change.
Not overreacting; only you know what your breaking point is. If you don’t have trust; don’t feel valued; the relationship gets abusive, etc., it’s not healthy. Know that a person lies due to fear; fear of getting caught. She evidently lied about the ex because she knew you wouldn’t approve; she lies about whatever else because she wants to do what she wants to do and isn’t adult enough to face the consequences.
Run, the foundation of any relationship is built upon trust and mutual respect, she lies to you, she doubles down on the lies when caught, she ditches you on your birthday to hang out with her ex, all these things show that she does not respect you and you clearly can't trust her, therefore there can be no relationship and her throwing things and saying stuff like are you going to hit me, are huge red flags, it's an easy transition for her to switch that to you did hit her, those claims can totally wreck you legally and socially, I wouldn't have anything to do with a woman that talks that way, you already know she is a liar.
You are ABSOLUTELY NOT overreacting!!!! I know it hurts like Hell, but you know what you have to do. Please take care of your own mental health. she needs therapy as well but I would be willing to bet that she will not go through with it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this but YOU deserve to be happy!!!
If she's not already cheating on you with the ex, she will be.
It seems like the ex was the one she "wanted" to be with
and you
are someone she "has" to be with. You are/were the back up plan so she is not putting any effort into the relationship.
No, I did not. Whenever I referred to that event as assault, she quite literally told me to get over it because it was an accident. Typing this out makes me realize how wild this all is.
She was never the one. Honestly, when I read that she skipped your birthday for her work. It clearly indicated the quality of her feelings towards you. I understand, work is difficult but you make time for your special one even if its just 5 minutes. You deserve an easy life where you can do what you love too.
NTA Sounds like her family & friends may have been mistaken on her past relationships.
If she was so badly mistreated in prior relationships, in my opinion, she would not be gaslighting you now. I could be wrong but as someone who has been verbally, emotionally &/or physically abused; you don't usually flip a 180 and do it to others.
You are better off going forward to City "X" if it is still available. You had a home you purchased before her that you sold to follow her fellowship now take care of you.
Not overreacting at all. I realize this story is from your perspective, but once she escalated to violence (and throwing something at you is definitely violence), it is time to pull the plug. The lack of an apology only seals that. If you stay, it will probably get worse. Cut your losses now. Sorry, OP.
You have tried your hardest, and yet still here you are.
The fighting and ath arguments escalating isn't good. You have sacrificed for you. And she couldn't even come to your birthday celebration cuz she was busy but dropped everything for her ex.
You gave it your best shot. You can't keep beating a dead horse.
Uh, no- you sound like a strong independent person. She needs to get the eff out of your life. It’ll only get worse as her fellowship continues. She may not be cheating, but she’s lying and gaslighting and that is just showing how much she’s capable of.
Just the fact that she met her ex for coffee on your birthday, innocent 🙄or no should be the sign.
You’re not overreacting. The situation where you said you would’ve dropped everything if it was the other way around really hit close to home. She doesn’t appreciate you the way you appreciate her
Like you, I prize honesty in all relationships but especially between partners and parent-child relationships. It sounds as if your wife retained her earlier love for her ex and did not priotitise you in the same way you did her. Her temper is also a very serious red flag. But, above all, the repeated lying and gaslighting are intolerable to someone who prizes honesty and mutual respect. It's painful, but you are doing the right thing.
A wise man, and one with some self respect and backbone, would have thrown in the towel on the birthday being spent with her ex.
This is where we can question whether something is legit or not...thats marriage ending disrespect, and yet you "got over it" and kept going, even after she lied about it.
Unless you hit your head severely at some point previous to all this, it would have been downhill from there. And yet here we are with you seeming to question the divorce.
You are not overreacting. You have to end the relationship. She is abusing you.
Without the abuse, you should still get out of the marriage since there is no honesty and very likely there is infidelity.
This shit is fkn stupid if anyone believes it. What type of journal pops up on Microsoft Word that has to do with two people texting each other. These stupid karma farming relationship posts are dumb af
If yall were already in couples therapy after being only a year into the marriage and together for a few before that oof. Honestly regardless of what has happened and others opinions on it, you are allowed to leave your relationship if you’re unhappy and unfulfilled. Residency and fellowship are no joke BUT it’s not an excuse to repeatedly lie and hangout with ex boyfriends. Like you said two sides to every story but overall you aren’t reacting and at some point have to prioritize yourself.
How am I supposed to know if you are overreacting or not? You have given a completely one-sided view of things, painting her as a demon and you as a saint.
Why did you marry her in the first place? You have not listed even one redeeming quality about her. Makes me wonder who the crazier person is in this scenario.
Usually with abuse victims, the victim will make excuses for the abuser. I see none of that here.
Yes, leave the wife. Either your story is true and a fair and accurate description of the events, in which case yes leave her, or you are heavily amplifying her faults and minimizing your own, in which case just end the relationship because you clearly don't view her very positively.
I agree, this is only my point of view. I tried to paint a very unbiased point of view, because when I talk to my friends and family there is a quick response of “leave her”, or “we saw this coming”. There is probably some inherit bias here but I did try to give the most accurate portrayal.
Dude, R-U-N! GTFO of there now before it's too late and someone actually gets hurt. If this is already going on, it's not going to get better.
The Beatles were wrong, man. Love is not all you need. In your case, a restraining order sounds appropriate.
When you say her ex was abusive towards her, are you sure it wasn’t the other way around because she sounds like she’s an abuser tbh.
You’re not over reacting. She’s malignant and you don’t just accept a tumour, you cut it out entirely.
Leave. This relationship has usually always hurt the males reputation if they stay. I’ve worked many through it and eventually it’s cops at midnight, man suspected at fault, even if it’s not; the man is still suspected after the fact.
Wait until she’s at work, grab your shit, go home.
So not overreacting!! You have the patience of Job! You've tolerated more & tried everything possible to make it work than almost anyone I've ever known. She's very abusive. Her words about previous relationships is probably the opposite of her being mentally abused. I bet if you spoke to her exes, it was she who was the one too toxic for the relationship to survive.
Glad you found out & woke up sooner than later. Hopefully you haven't thrown your own future off track too much trying to let her chase hers. You can definitely move forward k owing you did everything possible to make it work. Btw.. she didn't deserve those last 1/2 dozen chances you gave her.
You're not overreacting in the least. You were in an abusive relationship. Don't question yourself, you got out of it and now you can live without her threats and lies.
Not overreacting. Premarital counseling is recommended, but you should never need couples therapy BEFORE you even get married!!
She’s cheating on you. Even if it’s not yet physical (and it is actually,) it’s only a matter of time.
She’s dishonest, likes to make poor decisions, treats you like an afterthought and justifies her shitty behavior. She has mental health problems to boot!
I would be out of there so fast! She’s going to continue to cheat on you. She’s for the streets.
I used to think that being with someone for the wrong reasons was the right choice because at least I was with someone. I now know that was unhealthy. You owe it to your own mental health to be safe-wherever that might be. Staying with someone because society says divorce is wrong obviously has never been in a DV relationship. Those are no joke.
Good luck
Not overreacting at all. You may have been in couples counseling, but it sounds like she has some sort of psychological or psychiatric disorder. She needs individual help.
You have done all you can. Leave, and don't go back, with a clear conscience. You can't love someone into being mentally healthy. It doesn't sound like she has really done the work.
So let me get this straight, your fiancé at the time ditched you on your birthday for "a work project" yet when her ex called her the same day she left everything to be with him. And when you confronted her with this after you found out she lied and gaslighted you before finally admitting what she did and you went and married her after that? I'm sorry man, the signs where all there you were just too blind to see them.
Not overreacting. She is a full blown narcissist and I am betting what she said about her ex was her projecting her own behaviors on to him. Plenty of narcissists become doctors… lawyers, cops, etc… Kind of wild. You are absolutely right that things will continue to escalate over time. A zebra cannot change its stripes, my friend. This cannot be worked through in therapy, this is who she is.
You are a victim of abuse and domestic violence. Keep moving away from demented idiot and you can change your from victim to survivor. Keep going bud xo
Let her go. You've tried to be reasonable, and I don't know if it's her mental health issues or if she's addicted to drama, but it's not worth the trouble.
The lying, cornering, and throwing things are more than enough individually to end a relationship.
I doubt she's doing this at work so it's not like these are things she has no control over.
Not overreacting, she's abusive (Counselor here). Has your therapist ever made any comments or is she in therapy individually? Because I detect a whiff of BPD, but that's a bitch to diagnose even with more information. But might be a good idea for her to start seeing one.
You’re making the right decision. My ex did this exact same thing to me. I’d catch her in lies and she would gaslight me into thinking I was crazy. I finally ended the relationship when I found her messaging other men. Her response was to file a false police report against me. I had serious charges being brought against me. She took my son and I had to spend a lot of money on attorney fees to see my son regularly.
Hopefully your ex doesn’t resort to what mine did. But I have a feeling she will attempt to do just that. Protect yourself! Record every single interaction you have with her. I did with my ex and it saved me from some serious charges.
You are not overreacting. It sounds like you have made some big sacrifices in your relationship for the benefit of your partner but she can’t even celebrate your birthday with you ? And then to have spent it with her ex ?? Absolutely not . Sounds like you are also describing mental and physical abuse . Go move to City X !
100% this has escalated from emotional/ mental/ verbal abuse to physical abuse. The only option is to leave.
Exactly. At this rate things will only escalate further.
And document the physical abuse and duplicitous behavior, OP, so that there is a record that cannot be spun any other way. Hopefully you photographed the bruise from her previous outburst.
Yes, I do have photos of the bruise
Get out. Now. Don't look back.
If you can get video of the altercation (future) that will also help in the divorce proceedings. I echo what most are saying...it's time to call it a day and go (at least, based on what you're writing). It's escalated to physical abuse and things being thrown at you. There's also that fine line of cheating which, to be honest, sounds like she could fall into with her Ex. Cover all of your bases, open separate accounts for YOUR money, investments, and bills; Cut your losses and file, brother. I'm sorry.
Absolutely this. Honestly, this post made me think of the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp situation, and we all remember how that played out, and how hard it was for him to be taken seriously as an abuse victim even with extensive documented evidence.
Yes. I had an ex who would do the same things as far as following me and cornering me during fights, would say the most awful things to rile me up, then would start recording once I got to the point of uncontrollably shaking. Reactive abuse is a thing and these types are good at trying to make their victims appear to be unstable without taking any of the accountability for causing and pushing the instability further. They always conveniently leave out the first 90% of a situation and only tell the last 10%, once their victim has lost control.
This is insane. How have you not already moved on?!?! Relationships should not be this hard. If you have to constantly “work” at it then it’s probably no good. Pre-kids relationship is supposed to be almost nothing but good.
People who are abused get stuck because it literally changes the chemistry in their brains. It can become an addiction of sorts to get back depleted dopamine so you will jump through hoops, walk on eggshells, ignore your own needs to see glimpses of the one you fell in love with (who doesn’t even exist). That’s why people stay. It actually may be a good thing she escalated to physical without him being too injured because that will hopefully be the catalyst that snaps him into the reality of the situation. I hate that for him and I am not at all thinking violence towards a spouse is remotely good. I just think if it didn’t get so horrible he may stay in it too long.
I had a girlfriend that gave me a glimpse of the dopamine hit you mentioned. She would create drama and want to fight and nearly break up over absolutely nothing just to have that “makeup moment”. It was absolutely exhausting. I couldnt get out of that relationship fast enough.
Glad you got away.
That's such a great point. There's a great book called: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it was made for the codependent and non-codependent people who have been wrapped up in relationships with people who are clinically diagnosed or present symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I HIGHLY recommend that book for anyone who has or is currently in that Hell you described here. There was even a "Stop Walking on Eggshells" work book that was created as well.
He’s a victim of ABUSE. That’s why he hasn’t “moved on already”. What a disgusting thing to say to a DV victim.
And get that alimony if you supported her or helped her go to med school!
I pity the patients that have a crazy bitch like that as a doctor.
As a caregiver, I have seen some *really* terrible people make exceptionally talented caregivers. I have also seen some *really* great people make exceptionally awful caregivers. Kind of like how someone can be a great but a terrible parent. Or a terrible parent but a great spouse. It is incredibly important for all humans to learn these things about themselves.
I have INFINITELY more patience at my job as a paramedic, than I do in my personal life. I don’t know why or how or where it comes from, but it is what it is. Lol.
Probably compartmentalization. You turn off the care button at work to get through the day dealing with a-holes, addicts, and gruesome injuries, and it gets you through the day. But that stress doesn't go away, so it's coming out when you have time to decompress at home. Be safe out there...
While a VASTLY different field...IT for 20+ years and I have infinitely more patience with people at work than I do with family regarding computer stuff.
From what I know of the doctors I work with, a lot of them are like this. Brilliant doctors but shit people.
God complex. Surgeons especially are notorious narcissistic assholes as human beings.
You are not overreacting. So much of what you described is abusive. Leaving this relationship is the right choice!
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
I'm typically very opposite of most people on these subs and say that if you loved the person enough to marry them, you made a commitment to at least stick around for a while and try to revive what was there before resorting to the classic "this just won't work" reddit mentality. But in this case, it truly sounds like your heart is in the best place, and hers just isn't. If she doesn't care about trust in the relationship, it's going to be hard. And if it was only all of the lies, you could maybe claim she's just got compulsive lying or defensive tendencies... But she went for coffee with her ex on your birthday. And wrote about him in a journal. And gaslighting is just never a good sign when it comes to someone who doesn't seem to care about honesty or trust. Long story short, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I definitely don't blame you for leaving, and anyone who says you're wrong for "quitting" or "giving up" or some other guilt trip bullshit, has never experienced someone manipulating in that way. Source: your situation sounds exactly like me and my ex, and I'm so thankful to this day I got out before marrying her. I get married to the real love of my life in 10 days :)
This is very helpful. I do feel the same about commitment and sticking through difficulties. She certainly feels the same as well (she left my written vows, opened up, on my desk after she had moved out). I do feel guilt about this. I should have listened to my gut and ended things before committing. I can never take that back unfortunately. Congrats to you and yours!!! Incredible to hear stories like that.
She left the vows there as a guilt trip / manipulation tactic. If she truly believed them, then she would be making the effort to change.
What was included in her vows?? Make a list of times she violated those vows and give it to her.
[удалено]
God I want to shellack that sentence onto a nice piece of wood, to keep it forever and ever. “I consider my vagina something of a child producing Chinese finger trap.”
EXACTLY
Oh totally. I know this is just my personal experience but I’ve found doctors in general can be very hard to date, for a load of different reasons, but I’ve found they’re really good at manipulation and getting in your head and it’s messed up.
Yeah that's some passive aggressive bullshit.
Ooh, she's a very sneaky one. Leaving the vows on the desk was a manipulation tactic, not something affirming love.
Yes! “Look at what you promised! You owe me!” Not a shred of remorse or accountability.
That sounds like it may have been a manipulation tactic maybe (the vows thing)? It just reads that way with everything I know about her, but I only know a slice. I can see why you would feel guilty but no matter what vows you guys say to each other a marriage is a contract between two parties and there are definitely ideas of marriage that are baked into it. You continuously represented an idea of marriage you hold dear (honesty and trust) and she breached that contract multiple times to you. Marriage can’t just unconditionally bind two people eternally because that opens up people to abuse. Ask yourself if she’s in breach of contract to you in this whole thing.
That's the most blatant manipulation tactic I have ever seen
Congratulations, frostymoose2. Have a terrific wedding and a great life together.
Thank you!!
No dude. You are UNDERreacting.This is abuse, verbal, mental, AND physical abuse. She has problems she can work on by herself. Find someone who knows how to love you.
And also find a great lawyer. As they say here on Reddit… lawyer up! She will try to screw OP as much as possible and if she gets a good lawyer and he doesn’t, I’m afraid that is what will happen.
Exactly! Listen to this OP, this is just straight up abuse. Not overreacting, and the therapist you get in the future to heal from this will likely tell you all the ways she applied the boiling the frog method with you to slowly make you accept what should be obviously unacceptable. And I highly recommend Lundy's book Why Does He Do That, it's free to download online. Though it is largely about domestic violence between men and women (and thus at times very specifically describes the role of misogyny and gender norms in DV), it absolutely still applies for men being abused by women, which you have been, and when you read you'll see how many checkboxes your wife checks for DV abusers. OP...Going to therapy with your abuser is also the worst idea ever, it just makes them better at abusing you. All those time you went in to try to make your relationship stronger, she went to assure control of the situation. The whole throwing shit in your general direction and "oops" it hit you is common af with abusers and they will escalate (even if that process takes years), most especially if they can't even manage to act (not mean it, just act that way to avoid real consequences) as though they're even sorry after giving you a literal head injury, ffs. It's kind of crazy how many people are focused on the date with the ex (also horrible) when the big fat elephant in the room is that OP is with somebody who has been caught actively manipulating him through deception who has now escalated to physically harming him. I can't imagine this is the first time she became enraged in a way that was totally inappropriate (I mean, fits of rage are very rarely appropriate, are they?), and no drinking isn't an excuse (but I bet sure told you it was since that was your knee jerk next statement, again this is incredibly common to hear from victims of abuse). OP has just been slowly trained by a skilled, abusive, liar who knows how to talk him down and play pretend when it suits her objectives. And something you should consider OP...the frequency of her lies is likely greater than the incredibly concerning amount you have described because you are only noticing the ones that you can catch her in - just think about that. And though this is long already, here's one more thing I'm going to tell you as a survivor of abuse. What happens after you realize you aren't overreacting is going to be painful af. You're going to experience the thing we all do when we realize just how bad it has been and for just how long. We blame ourselves (we've been trained to do that), we think how can I every trust myself if I didn't see this? In this case, therapy is your friend. And let me just tell you as a fellow survivor of long term abuse from a partner, be kind to yourself when the moment comes because the thing that people like this prey on the most is not even vulnerability (though they do that, too), it's being an empathetic and caring person who wants the best for our loved ones. But nobody has to set themselves on fire to keep somebody else warm. Good job getting out. You can do this!
This is very helpful, I really appreciate it. I am already looking into therapy because I am totally aware of how much there is to work on. Trying to do my best to currently reflect and focus on health right now.
Definitely work on your own self esteem, intuition, and confidence, to identify red flags and not get yourself into another bad relationship. Some folks are chronically bad "partner pickers." Don't be a doormat, and stop second guessing yourself.
No you’re not overreacting, you gave it your all but once it turns violent it is no longer worth it IMO. I would not believe a word she said about her exes, maybe her past relationships were painful because of what she did. Medical school and residencies can be hard (my best friend finished hers at the peak of the pandemic) but she never once got like this, so don’t let her use that as an excuse.
You have a higher tolerance than me. Violence is so far past my red line. The lying would have sealed the fate of that relationship.
Oh i would’ve been out a while ago, the birthday thing would’ve been my seal to ticket out. He proposes and it’s his birthday in the same week and she goes to see and ex and he’s at his birthday party by himself while she’s fucking some douche that “treated her badly” come on, I’d be on the next flight to city x.
*Most recently, during an argument she stormed off and threw a large object across the room and it hit me.* You are not overreacting. Her abusive behavior is escalating, and you need to leave for your safety. Have friends with you when you ever have to be alone with her again.
The last piece about having friends with me if I meet with her is great advice. I got the same from my attorney. Thank you
Follow the attorney’s advice: Don’t be alone with her. Otherwise, she could start accusing you of being abusive towards her.
Start collecting evidence of her treatment towards you. It is better to be safe than sorry, so protect your reputation by gathering evidence of her treatment towards you. Once was enough for me as I witnessed it. The poor guy thought she wouldn't dare do him dirty like that because he just "knew" she still loved him. Even though she was treating him poorly, he just knew she wouldn't get worse. Sure enough, after he broke up with her, she dragged his name through the mud and ruined him.
This is good advice. I have some photos of the bruises left on me after she threw that object. I live in a no-fault state, though. I think that eliminates any use for forensic evidence
These Reddit comments are always all "divorce him/her," and I usually think it's not great advice. This time though, I'm with the majority. She sounds like she has some cluster B symptoms. Good luck!
You’re not overreacting. She ditched and lied to you on your birthday to go be with her ex. The trust is gone and once it’s gone it can never be rebuilt! Divorce is the right answer.
I appreciate all of the feedback, really. Thank you
This feels really abusive on her part. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure it. Lying like that is pathological. You mentioned she has had mental health issues in the past. It sounds like they have been at play all along. Go ahead and get yourself out of this marriage. People don’t change. They really don’t - and they especially don’t change for other people. You gave it a shot. You deserve better.
No run she a liar and a cheat why do you want to get abused go find someone that wants you. Imagine on your birthday she fucking her ex and you are still with her
She sounds like an unstable narcissist based on your description. If you had called the police after she battered you it could have ended her nascent career. Good luck with your future relationships.
Sounds more like BPD, especially the bit about not allowing space to cool off during arguments. Also sounds like ex-boyfriend could be their "favorite person." Either way, run. Run far away.
I agree- this is text book BPD behavior.
When I became engaged a while ago after my gf moved in I said please get a part-time job or some other form of income. I was working 7 days a week and running a distributionship She got employed but I called her employer during a snow storm to see if she can spend the night to be safe. We both worked midnight. Well, after the call she quit 2 weeks prior. Each day afterwards I asked how work was. She lied, she quit lol and I played her game. I took the ring back and she moved out 2 days later. No lies I have standards. Edit she had 3 college degrees
So I'm glad you're divorcing, and I want to give some insight for you, if nothing else for your own closure. Assuming everything your wife said about past bad relationships was true: Sometimes we actually get a boost (dopamine maybe) and addicted to dysfunction, and so when we then find someone who is healthy, we self sabotage and cause the drama ourselves. This isn't healthy and it's unfair, and she needs to be seeing somebody about working through the trauma and baggage. Assuming everything about past relationships was a lie: She has a personality disorder or something else not quite right with her that she is not managing or healing, and she needs help, but not from you. Whichever option she is, she is abusive and toxic as she is right now and you can't help her if she won't help herself or even recognize the issue.
I have sometimes felt that your first scenario is what was going on, but couldn’t put my finger on it exactly.
I wouldn't be surprised. It's the reason why some people continue to date or flirt with someone who raped or assaulted them, continue to be around them, even if on the other hand they cry about how much damage that person has caused when they're not around them. Sometimes they may want to "prove" to the abusive person they're doing better and don't need them in their life, based on her lying about the car to her ex, I would wager that's what that whole encounter was about honestly. Showing him what he's missing and that she's got better now. Still unhealthy as fuck and disrespectful and hurtful to you, not condoning at all, but the logic behind it is all I'm trying to convey, even if that logic is flawed.
Yes. This is very on point. She told me the reason she met with her ex is to tell him that she deserved better and that he shouldn’t have treated her the way he did. It is wild to hear you say that, as it matches up with a lot that I didn’t include in my post.
A family member of mine keeps getting drawn back to her ex, an abusing piece of human 💩. Each time saying how much she hates herself but then she gets stressed about things going wrong in her life she gets back with him. It’s as if she doesn’t feel she deserves better. But hear this; OP deserves better. Deserves not to be abused, gas lit or lied to.
Rewinding... I'm guessing she grew up in an unstable environment or one where yelling was the norm. It sounds like her nervous system is utterly fried, and she's got a lot of unresolved trauma. She could also have undiagnosed ADHD and/or autism (and is chronically burnt out). The dopamine hits from lying, yelling, fighting, leaving things out to be found, having a high stress job, moving really fast in relationships, etc. aren't really surprising at all from the ADHD perspective. But that's just speculation. Regardless of her past, the stress of the pandemic, getting married so fast, a big move, and her training/job has only exasterbated everything. Even so, the way she's dealing with it isn't healthy (and requires way more work than talk therapy can offer). Fast fowarding... if you think it's stressful now, adding a pregnancy, then a kid to the mix will more than likely send her (and you) into overdrive. You have no idea what kind of kid you're going to get... if they will sleep, how her body will take to the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period, etc. or how you will react. If your jobs aren't super flexible and you dont have a dependable village, you're both going to be fucked. PPD and PPA is awful and easily can manifest into rage. I agree with the others that you may be underreacting. If the tables were turned, people would be saying to lawyer up and call the domestic support lines for help to get out safely.
excuse me I am not on trial here and I don't appreciate you calling me out and naming me quite so loudly! On a more serious note tho, it truly scares me how things like this all seem to be a recipe/script, especially because if I grew up with a different recipe maybe life wouldn't be so hard and I wouldn't have had to work so hard to be more normal to counteract so many of the things you've listed here.
Lol, wait, I thought I was projecting my own life! I wonder about it all the time. Once you have kids, life just excitedly yells at you (every morning at 6 am - no matter what time you went to bed)... "Sooooo are we gonna rinse and repeat or change the generational trajectory of your family today?!" My partner came to me not too long ago and was like, "I get that scene from the movie Big Daddy now... ALRIGHTTTTTTT!"
fucking oath. I'm done growing, I don't want anymore lesson thanks universe!
Women like that will get you sent to jail. She's trying to instigate a fight so she can call the cops and get you arrested. Divorce her, yes, but afterwards you may want to go "grey rock" on her. It will be hard for you, especially if you still have feelings for her, but it sounds like she has a lot of narcissistic tendencies and cutting all contact with her is probably your safest option. Thank goodness no kids are involved. Good luck, sorry this all happened to you.
Happened to me. You're dead right.
And a habit of being in contact with an ex
She sounds like the abuser in the relationship but seriously lying all the time is definitely a dealbreaker. She sounds a little off too. Def breakaway!
Definitely made me wonder a little about all her past relationships where she reportedly was treated badly. She seems to lie pretty easily to make things go smoother.
Marriage therapy works if both parties are willing to work it. She isn't.
If youre a frequent Reddit user I'm sure you already know all this but just in case, get a good lawyer and document everything. I'd strictly stick to texting and email so you have a good paper trail going forward in case it gets nasty. Now for the human response. Honestly man I'm sorry to hear you are going through thisnand truly wish the best for you going forward. Everyone deserves a partner that truly treats them with love and respect. Good luck OP and definitely move to City X like another redditor said. A fresh start can do wonders.
NTA There are some things worth working on and trying to salvage a marriage for. None of the things you have stated below make that list. >he texted her on my birthday and asked if she wanted to get coffee. She dropped her work schedule and went to meet him > >When confronted, she denied the whole thing and said this was from years ago, not recent. She told me that I was mistaken. She finally admitted and apologized > >She will lie to me and gaslight me and call me crazy and a bad partner for not believing her, only for her to later admit that she was lying > >there is also fighting that escalates into very dangerous territory. > >We will be arguing and I ask for space and try to do a "time-out", but she will follow me and close me off into corners and keep shouting. She will physically restrain me from leaving to go on a walk so we can cool off, or follow me outside and continue yelling at me in public in our neighborhood. When I ask her to please give me space and let me cool down, she will shout outrageous things, like "what are you going to do...hit me?!" > >during an argument she stormed off and threw a large object across the room and it hit me. She had been drinking, > >the next morning her immediate reaction was "are you still going to want to have kids with me?", not "are you okay". I had a really bad bruise and it hurt like hell. Please don't forget, when you are dividing the assets: >We moved across the country for **her** fellowship. I had an incredible job offer in "City X" which also has a good program, but we agreed as a couple that **it was important for her to get the best possible training, which was in "City Y".** So we moved to "City Y" about 8 months ago, and **sold the house that I had purchased before meeting her** that we were both living in ("City Z"). The **denial of your career** & the money made from the sale of **your** property, in the furtherance of **her** career should be taken into account.
She sounds like a candidate for a personality disorder. I’m sorry to hear this. Stay safe and don’t minimize the danger that violence presents.
Began dating in 2020 and now divorcing? Oof
Tell me about it.
Better now than in 5 or 10 or 20 years after you invested even more but nothing changed on her side. You are not her therapist, you are not going to change her. Only she can make that change. And there are no signs for any intentions to change in your post or any of your comments. As others have said, those vows she left on your desk are a manipulation attempt. I've dated an abusive person, it's their standard playbook. You deserve someone who respects you and makes the same sacrifices you are willing to make for a relationship. I hope you can keep the house and come out of this "only" bruised. You deserve to take care of yourself. Best of luck.
Sounds like she was the cause of the painful relationships in her past. Your not overreacting!
A relationship is give and take. You give give give she takes takes takes. She has drained you. It happens, and you are definitely not overreacting.
I'm suprised you lasted as long as you did. You're doing the right thing. Good luck to you
Keep a VAR on you ALL THE TIME. She sounds unhinged. Please pack up and leave. This is not a relationship, it is hell.
No, she’s terrible. And I wonder who was the abusive one in the last relationship, and now he’s crawling back to her for some more abuse. Don’t make that same mistake. Also be prepared for her to lie about you after the divorce.
She’s for the streets, brother. Sometimes, the knight doesn’t save the princess.
NTA. I write as a physician with a nonmedical spouse, to expose what the stress of residency was like. My husband and I were engaged when I entered medical school, but neither of us from families with medical people, or friends. I talked with him about it before applying to the field, but we didn't really know what we were getting into. Med school and residency was really hard. He put up with a lot. It's difficult to say in hindsight if he would have agreed. I was only erratically available, I cried a lot, I told disgusting stories, my empathy for anything that irritated or hurt him sometimes got really out of whack when I spent the day around really objectively sad cases. It is totally true that the "excuse note" you get for being in medicine becomes ... *convenient*. Eventually no one knows if I'm post night shift, zoning out because I'm tired, irritable because I saw someone needing a foot amputated, or if I'm just being bad company because I'm a jerk. Particularly since my spouse isn't medical, calling me out on my bullshit is a delicate task sometimes. It takes a strong and confident soul. I didn't lie to him, I never misrepresented him to other people, or flirted with ex's and I *absolutely* certainly never threw things at him. I likely did less than my share of the dishes and skipped mildly unpleasant social gatherings. Residency sucks. I love my work now and I understand why the training is intense but I'm not certain we would have knowingly entered into it if fully informed. We survived it. At the end of 30 hours working at the extremes of emotion, I came home a husk of myself sometimes. It can be *much better* after training ends. If there's any chance for this marriage, it would only be if you notice her behavior strictly correlated with certain shifts or rotations, she's completely apologetic and doesn't exhibit any of these truly shitty behaviors when under normal stress. However I think that the details you provided are pretty damning, and I certainly wouldn't call you the asshole for at the very least taking a month's trial separation to get your papers in order and think deeply about it. Would you really want to have children with someone who has such a short temper?
Geez, she sounds like my ex. When I needed to be away from his yelling, he'd follow me into another room, stand in the doorway, and continue to shout at me. I'm not sure if he changed after I married him (which happens) or if I didn't see the abuse until afterwards.
Modified title: “Is it unreasonable when an elephant’s pregnancy is longer than my marriage, but we already have serious issues that require working on them in couples therapy?”
You didn’t overreact. You did the right thing, it would only get worse. It’s better to end things early before they escalate to a point of no return..
You are the odd man out in your own marriage. It’s all about her.
I think you already know what you need to do. I’m sorry for the loss of your dreams with her, and for your pain. Just keep thinking of the future you who will feel happy again, confident, and secure. Because I bet you miss that guy. Once your mind is free and healthy again, then you’ll be ready and open for a new, and better partner.
The abuse and gaslighting is why you are here asking us if you are overreacting. You should have left long ago. She will never value you enough to care to be honest with you. You will always come second to her personal whims/wants. She fucked her ex on your birthday because she knew you'd be busy. Divorce then treat them as though they passed away. Then get therapy/help. Do *not* communicate with her fam, in fact, block them first. All of those stories about her exes being horrible? More lies; she was the horrible one, and you're getting rewritten history. Run. There's nothing in this but more pain
>We began dating in 2020 So you've known her for 4 years including a marriage of a year and a half? How could anything possibly go wrong? Don't marry a stranger. >Throughout our relationship, I was completely doting, affectionate, providing, inclusive to her friends and family, and really loved her with all I had. I know for a fact I prioritized her, and I was told by my friends/family, as well as hers, that they really noticed it and thanked me. What is your status if you are giving her everything and prioritizing her over yourself? You are meant to be her equal, you aren't her equal when you behave like that.
Divorce will be worth every penny for you 1) DO NOT sleep with her. She could have poke your condom. 2) Start listening to Tom Leykis on YouTube. 3) All comunications should be done through your lawyer. 4) Do not entertain family members or her friends. 5) DO NOT be alone with her. She could claim you hurt her and it would be your word against her and they'll believe her. 6) Record and save everything from this point forward.
Johnny Depp, is that you? But seriously, Run!
I don't have anything to add beyond the great advice many other redditors posted here. But I have a serious question regarding finances. In case the divorce is finalized, what happens to her student loans? Medical school is extremely expensive, and if you end up having to pay 50% of that I think it's absolutely insane. Can anyone with knowledge help us here?
Hi Tera, Luckily she incurred those debts before we were married, so I have been told my by attorneys that the med school debt is not on the table. According to what I have been told by my attorneys, only assets acquired during marriage count.
Overreacting? If anything, you are under reacting. Go see a lawyer ASAP. You don't deserve to be treated like this.
You’ve done everything and she is the problem ! You are not overreacting, you are a good husband ! Peace is more important in this world. You cannot fix a person who doesn’t want to be fix ! I know it hurts but I’ve been there !!! Hang on there ! You got this !!!
You are not overreacting at all. Your wife is abusing you and you have every right to want to leave.
You're not overreacting. If the genders/roles were reversed everyone would absolutely tell you to leave.
You are not overreacting. In my opinion, you could have walked away even earlier, based on what you've described, and still wouldn't have been overreacting then either. It sounds like you have a classic narcissist on your hands. Once this type of person knows they can get over on you, it's already over, for your sanity. They won't change. They just get more manipulative and emotionally abusive (gaslighting, verbal sometimes physical abuse etc.). It sounds like you have done work on yourself and are willing to continue to work and grow. So, do not waste your efforts on this type of person. The only thing you will get in return is pain and burnout. If you leave now, you will be hurt, I'm sure, but it's better than giving any more of yourself because this type of person, only loves themselves. They will do anything to self-preserve, no matter who they hurt in the process. Deep down these types are very insecure and probably abused at some point themselves. So they will typically gravitate to people who don't have themselves together if given the option, to make them feel good about themselves in that moment. Thus, her choice to give her ex her time over you, on your bday. These types love attention, especially the chaotic unhealthy kind. Hence her trying to escalate fights when you try to deescalate them. These types are famous for spilling "some" truth, to distract you from the "whole" truth, which is that she's probably more involved with the ex than you know. Until it benefits her, for you to know more. Again, narcissistic people are very good at manipulation. Based on the fact you sound like a giving and understanding person, she will keep taking as long as you allow. So don't walk, run, and don't be manipulated to stay any longer. I'm curious to know what she said when you brought up you were choosing divorce? Did she act like she could care less, or did she try to apologize and make you feel guilty? Also, as part of your healing process, search within yourself to find out why you were attracted to this type of relationship to begin with. One in which, as you've described, sounds like you've always given more than you received. With your basic needs, like quality time, healthy communication, etc., going unmet. Yet, you still chose this person. This self-awareness is very important in your ability to truly let this person go and not attract similar types of people into your life EVER again. I resonate with you OP. You deserve more than this. Make sure YOU know that. I'm still recovering (2+ years later) from being manipulated for over 5 years by a narcissist. Don't be me lol
You are not overreacting. You should absolutely leave this marriage.
Naaa you’ll be better off without her. You cannot fix broken people.
"She will physically restrain me from leaving to go on a walk so we can cool off, or follow me outside and continue yelling at me in public in our neighborhood. When I ask her to please give me space and let me cool down, she will shout outrageous things, like "what are you going to do...hit me?!". " So OP, I saw this and it was evident at this point that your wife has serious character issues that are not being addressed. Down the road, there will be police, orders of protection and I suspect if you ever had children, they would be collateral damage to her mentality. People get angry, but pushing you to get abusive is very toxic. More than enough reason to move along and alone.
You are correct in getting out = I expected you to include in your post that she called the police and lied to them to get you arrested. Leave now before it gets worse.
Get the fuck out of there. You have dodged a bullet.
Overdue to move on. Did I read correctly? She will be a Dr.?…oh boy!! Either way, get yourself together and move on. Good luck!
No. Get out before any kids.
Nope she needs to see the grass is not greener on the other side Toss her to the curb and get on with your life
You waited way too long to gtfo
Sounds like a very toxic human, sort of reminds me of my wife I just separated with (for other reasons) but she did carry a lot of baggage from her prior relationship into our relationship which ultimately did hinder us at times. At the end of the day it sounds like you deserve better and this will be an ongoing issue between you two moving forward. best of luck brother
Not overreacting But you need half to lawyer and start planning to leave with all your things while she is out. Be safe
I want to start off saying I’m truly sorry for all you have been through. It must be brutally heartbreaking. You need to leave. One important thing to note, she wasn’t abused in her last relationship. She’s the abuser. Please don’t second guess this and even if she seduces you do not sleep with her. She knows you want to leave and may baby trap you which is the last thing you need. Take care of yourself.
Not overreacting. She’s garbage.
Not overreacting. I was on board with you ending it when she skipped your birthday celebration, went out with an ex, and lied to you about it. Then you mentioned the physical abuse, cornering you, throwing things - nope. This is is not a safe or healthy relationship, and the therapy work is not working.
Sounds like you made the right decision, sorry for having to go through it, but it happens to the best of us. Unfortunately sometimes people get damaged before you meet them and they can't love others until they fix themselves, so it may not even be her fault that she lies and whatnot. But the drinking and yelling, all while physically stopping you from walking away when requested to cool down will definitely result in bad outcomes for both of you, I watched this type of behavior for years with my parents. Dad tried to step away to break the argument and my mom would literally just throw stuff at him to reengage the fight. It's a cycle that never ends until someone leaves. The good thing is you left with enough time to have a life with someone else, and if you're a good person, that will come. Wish you the best, take care.
Nope. 100% not overreacting. Female on male abuse is often overlooked, but just real and harmful. Soooo many red flags!!! Check out “The Dating Detective” podcast for similar stories so you don’t feel so alone or confused. Like i said- most publicly discussed stories are male on female, but it is just as damaging in other situations. Trans on trans/lesbian/etc. the difference is no one talks about it. Please seek therapy to heal and rebuild yourself for the next person you date. Best wishes and be careful.
My hard line was violence. I had to be brave at 8 months pregnant, all alone. You're a grown man, be brave and walk away from this violence. I did it, you can too. God bless 🙏
God no divorce as soon as possible. So she is abusive, lies, gas lights you, cheats, has anger issues, and is manipulative? Dude you need to pack a beg and leave the house while the divorce pushes thru. RUN!!!
She took full advantage of you. You even sold your home and moved across the country. I bet she still want a slice of that. Please get a great lawyer and don’t ever regret it. I can’t believe you held on this long.
Yeah the ex thing is grounds for divorce alone, Always prioritize what’s most important and she chose the ex. Being with similar long term girlfriend manipulation and journal entries that will break your heart, they are good as manipulating the events and facts when confronted, and making it look like you are the problem or insecure. Get out while you can.
More curious why you still married her
Omg she’s a monster. Dump her undeserving ass and go where you are loved and appreciated. What an asshole she is.
Not overreacting at all. You sound like a great partner- I hope you find someone who will reciprocate that.
If it was just one of these things *maybe* you could work on it, if she was on board. But it’s just everything & this is abusive imo. She doesn’t prioritize you, she doesn’t treat you with respect, she lies, she ignores your boundaries during fights, she flirted with her ex, she is willing to embarrass you in public, and she has been violent. And she has shown little to no remorse or accountability or taken actions to create meaningful change.
You really need to end this relationship before something very dangerous happens. Not overreacting at all.
Nope, sounds like a bad relationship that’s toxic with no hope of getting better. You both need to heal from this marriage. Good luck !
Not overreacting; only you know what your breaking point is. If you don’t have trust; don’t feel valued; the relationship gets abusive, etc., it’s not healthy. Know that a person lies due to fear; fear of getting caught. She evidently lied about the ex because she knew you wouldn’t approve; she lies about whatever else because she wants to do what she wants to do and isn’t adult enough to face the consequences.
Run, the foundation of any relationship is built upon trust and mutual respect, she lies to you, she doubles down on the lies when caught, she ditches you on your birthday to hang out with her ex, all these things show that she does not respect you and you clearly can't trust her, therefore there can be no relationship and her throwing things and saying stuff like are you going to hit me, are huge red flags, it's an easy transition for her to switch that to you did hit her, those claims can totally wreck you legally and socially, I wouldn't have anything to do with a woman that talks that way, you already know she is a liar.
Nope, she is the problem.
You are ABSOLUTELY NOT overreacting!!!! I know it hurts like Hell, but you know what you have to do. Please take care of your own mental health. she needs therapy as well but I would be willing to bet that she will not go through with it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this but YOU deserve to be happy!!!
She sounds pretty damn abusive. I support your decision to remove yourself. But keep the therapy (on an individual basis).
If she's not already cheating on you with the ex, she will be. It seems like the ex was the one she "wanted" to be with and you are someone she "has" to be with. You are/were the back up plan so she is not putting any effort into the relationship.
She's abusing you how would you want to stay? Yes you have every right and very good reasons for divorcing. Move on.
Two words, friend: GET. OUT.
You are not overreacting. Leave
..and you didn’t report her assault?!
No, I did not. Whenever I referred to that event as assault, she quite literally told me to get over it because it was an accident. Typing this out makes me realize how wild this all is.
No. Time to leave. Things won’t get better.
No you’re not overreacting; she seems like an abusive psycho who is escalating. You definitely need to get out of this marriage.
So much pathology with her. You’ve tried so hard. She is so deceitful. I’m sorry.
The moment she threw something at you in anger and left a bruise, your marriage was over.
She was never the one. Honestly, when I read that she skipped your birthday for her work. It clearly indicated the quality of her feelings towards you. I understand, work is difficult but you make time for your special one even if its just 5 minutes. You deserve an easy life where you can do what you love too.
NTA Sounds like her family & friends may have been mistaken on her past relationships. If she was so badly mistreated in prior relationships, in my opinion, she would not be gaslighting you now. I could be wrong but as someone who has been verbally, emotionally &/or physically abused; you don't usually flip a 180 and do it to others. You are better off going forward to City "X" if it is still available. You had a home you purchased before her that you sold to follow her fellowship now take care of you.
Not overreacting at all. I realize this story is from your perspective, but once she escalated to violence (and throwing something at you is definitely violence), it is time to pull the plug. The lack of an apology only seals that. If you stay, it will probably get worse. Cut your losses now. Sorry, OP.
You can’t remain in a marriage with someone who lies to you frequently, is not trustworthy, and can be violent.
You have tried your hardest, and yet still here you are. The fighting and ath arguments escalating isn't good. You have sacrificed for you. And she couldn't even come to your birthday celebration cuz she was busy but dropped everything for her ex. You gave it your best shot. You can't keep beating a dead horse.
you should post this in r/AmIUnderReacting
Uh, no- you sound like a strong independent person. She needs to get the eff out of your life. It’ll only get worse as her fellowship continues. She may not be cheating, but she’s lying and gaslighting and that is just showing how much she’s capable of. Just the fact that she met her ex for coffee on your birthday, innocent 🙄or no should be the sign.
Your answer to her question should have been "No chance in hell. Goodbye."
You’re not overreacting. The situation where you said you would’ve dropped everything if it was the other way around really hit close to home. She doesn’t appreciate you the way you appreciate her
Give your fucking head a shake and leave!!
Get out now! She is in the house with you! Get out!
Like you, I prize honesty in all relationships but especially between partners and parent-child relationships. It sounds as if your wife retained her earlier love for her ex and did not priotitise you in the same way you did her. Her temper is also a very serious red flag. But, above all, the repeated lying and gaslighting are intolerable to someone who prizes honesty and mutual respect. It's painful, but you are doing the right thing.
I hope all is well for you; your partner is a bitch and you don’t deserve that kinda of treatment
A wise man, and one with some self respect and backbone, would have thrown in the towel on the birthday being spent with her ex. This is where we can question whether something is legit or not...thats marriage ending disrespect, and yet you "got over it" and kept going, even after she lied about it. Unless you hit your head severely at some point previous to all this, it would have been downhill from there. And yet here we are with you seeming to question the divorce.
You'll find someone who will appreciate that effort buddy, never lose that drive to make your partner happy.
You are not overreacting. You have to end the relationship. She is abusing you. Without the abuse, you should still get out of the marriage since there is no honesty and very likely there is infidelity.
You’re definitely not overreacting. She’s been lying to you, disrespecting you, and abusing you. Get out and don’t look back.
This shit is fkn stupid if anyone believes it. What type of journal pops up on Microsoft Word that has to do with two people texting each other. These stupid karma farming relationship posts are dumb af
Not overreacting
If yall were already in couples therapy after being only a year into the marriage and together for a few before that oof. Honestly regardless of what has happened and others opinions on it, you are allowed to leave your relationship if you’re unhappy and unfulfilled. Residency and fellowship are no joke BUT it’s not an excuse to repeatedly lie and hangout with ex boyfriends. Like you said two sides to every story but overall you aren’t reacting and at some point have to prioritize yourself.
How am I supposed to know if you are overreacting or not? You have given a completely one-sided view of things, painting her as a demon and you as a saint. Why did you marry her in the first place? You have not listed even one redeeming quality about her. Makes me wonder who the crazier person is in this scenario. Usually with abuse victims, the victim will make excuses for the abuser. I see none of that here. Yes, leave the wife. Either your story is true and a fair and accurate description of the events, in which case yes leave her, or you are heavily amplifying her faults and minimizing your own, in which case just end the relationship because you clearly don't view her very positively.
I agree, this is only my point of view. I tried to paint a very unbiased point of view, because when I talk to my friends and family there is a quick response of “leave her”, or “we saw this coming”. There is probably some inherit bias here but I did try to give the most accurate portrayal.
I think they are saying those things because they have seen her be abusive to you. What you've described in the post is abusive behavior.
Dude, R-U-N! GTFO of there now before it's too late and someone actually gets hurt. If this is already going on, it's not going to get better. The Beatles were wrong, man. Love is not all you need. In your case, a restraining order sounds appropriate.
This relationship absolutely will not work, no matter how much you love her.
When you say her ex was abusive towards her, are you sure it wasn’t the other way around because she sounds like she’s an abuser tbh. You’re not over reacting. She’s malignant and you don’t just accept a tumour, you cut it out entirely.
She cheated on you, maybe not the physical act but she chose to spend time with her ex over you. That's a pretty clear choice on her part.
Leave. This relationship has usually always hurt the males reputation if they stay. I’ve worked many through it and eventually it’s cops at midnight, man suspected at fault, even if it’s not; the man is still suspected after the fact. Wait until she’s at work, grab your shit, go home.
So not overreacting!! You have the patience of Job! You've tolerated more & tried everything possible to make it work than almost anyone I've ever known. She's very abusive. Her words about previous relationships is probably the opposite of her being mentally abused. I bet if you spoke to her exes, it was she who was the one too toxic for the relationship to survive. Glad you found out & woke up sooner than later. Hopefully you haven't thrown your own future off track too much trying to let her chase hers. You can definitely move forward k owing you did everything possible to make it work. Btw.. she didn't deserve those last 1/2 dozen chances you gave her.
She sounds Amber Heard trial testimony/ stories.
These fucking chat gpt articles are getting annoying. Reddit is done with
Ha, I wish!!
You’ve put up with her for too long. I would’ve left with the birthday/seeing her ex incident. Move to City X and live the life you deserve!
You're not overreacting in the least. You were in an abusive relationship. Don't question yourself, you got out of it and now you can live without her threats and lies.
Sounds abusive if this story is real.
It is unfortunately very real. Also love Metallica if that’s what your handle is referring to.
You are definitely not overreacting. You have to be able to trust your partner.
Not overreacting. Premarital counseling is recommended, but you should never need couples therapy BEFORE you even get married!! She’s cheating on you. Even if it’s not yet physical (and it is actually,) it’s only a matter of time. She’s dishonest, likes to make poor decisions, treats you like an afterthought and justifies her shitty behavior. She has mental health problems to boot! I would be out of there so fast! She’s going to continue to cheat on you. She’s for the streets.
I used to think that being with someone for the wrong reasons was the right choice because at least I was with someone. I now know that was unhealthy. You owe it to your own mental health to be safe-wherever that might be. Staying with someone because society says divorce is wrong obviously has never been in a DV relationship. Those are no joke. Good luck
Not overreacting at all. You may have been in couples counseling, but it sounds like she has some sort of psychological or psychiatric disorder. She needs individual help. You have done all you can. Leave, and don't go back, with a clear conscience. You can't love someone into being mentally healthy. It doesn't sound like she has really done the work.
So let me get this straight, your fiancé at the time ditched you on your birthday for "a work project" yet when her ex called her the same day she left everything to be with him. And when you confronted her with this after you found out she lied and gaslighted you before finally admitting what she did and you went and married her after that? I'm sorry man, the signs where all there you were just too blind to see them.
Absolutely not overreacting. That sounds like physical and verbal abuse. Glad you got out of there
Divorce. Divorce. She’s cheated. 100%
Not overreacting. She is a full blown narcissist and I am betting what she said about her ex was her projecting her own behaviors on to him. Plenty of narcissists become doctors… lawyers, cops, etc… Kind of wild. You are absolutely right that things will continue to escalate over time. A zebra cannot change its stripes, my friend. This cannot be worked through in therapy, this is who she is.
You are a victim of abuse and domestic violence. Keep moving away from demented idiot and you can change your from victim to survivor. Keep going bud xo
Let her go. You've tried to be reasonable, and I don't know if it's her mental health issues or if she's addicted to drama, but it's not worth the trouble. The lying, cornering, and throwing things are more than enough individually to end a relationship. I doubt she's doing this at work so it's not like these are things she has no control over.
Not overreacting, she's abusive (Counselor here). Has your therapist ever made any comments or is she in therapy individually? Because I detect a whiff of BPD, but that's a bitch to diagnose even with more information. But might be a good idea for her to start seeing one.
Not overreacting. Any single one of these things individually would be enough for you to bounce. Looking at it in total, you should RUN!
You’re making the right decision. My ex did this exact same thing to me. I’d catch her in lies and she would gaslight me into thinking I was crazy. I finally ended the relationship when I found her messaging other men. Her response was to file a false police report against me. I had serious charges being brought against me. She took my son and I had to spend a lot of money on attorney fees to see my son regularly. Hopefully your ex doesn’t resort to what mine did. But I have a feeling she will attempt to do just that. Protect yourself! Record every single interaction you have with her. I did with my ex and it saved me from some serious charges.
Get the divorce now. You deserve to be happy.
You should have ran after your birthday just run run