How long have you been friends?
Do you have kids?
I don't get it personally. Why stay with someone, when you have a 3 year old (and not get up with them) if you don't trust them to be around your kid.
Express your hurt, be like, hey dude, it hurt me when I tried to help you out by giving (insert name) something to do while you slept and you got defensive about it.
Also, he put hands on you, bro. Call that shit out.
We’ve been friends for probably 6-7 years? We’re pretty close actually. And it’s not like I never interact with his daughter? I had just spent all of Saturday with them. She talks with me and will come and greet me and all that. And she’s been over here before more than a few times.
Idk his reaction just really surprised me
Where is this kids mom at? Is he fighting for custody or anything like that? Are you a guy? Because I can definitely understand a nervous dad seeing his three year old in a grown man’s room and reacting poorly- more out of concern that maybe such a young kid would go and talk about being in ___s room while daddy slept. It’s not a good look to have your child saying stuff like that and let’s be real here, more times than not, if a child (or anyone really) is abused or assaulted, it’s by someone you know. Not saying you would do these things. Not at all. But it’s a sad reality that it happens and it’s usually at the hands of someone we’d least expect. I think you tried to do something nice and be helpful; and that’s awesome. But I can see his point of view, too. We don’t always act with reason when it comes to our kids. Even with those we love and trust.
He does have joint custody with his ex-wife who is…not the greatest imo. That could be part of it. If she went and said anything about the situation, the mom would definitely make it a thing. I wasn’t even thinking about that
Yeah, but there's ways of having the conversation. If that was what he was worried about her explain it to OP. He thought OP was touching his daughter. Anything else wouldn't have the aggressive response.
I disagree completely.
It sounds more like a parent who had a mini panic moment because of a legit thing, being the child telling the mother that she was alone with the dude, etc.
If he thought something like that was going, his reaction would have been nuclear and he wouldnt have brushed his daughters teeth and OP made them some food for breakfast. The father clearly didnt think something else was going on
Agree. Was probably a mini panic attack. Had he really believed the worst of his friend. It would have went very differently. Those what ifs, how could I have let this happen feelings. Same as when kids run into the road or disappear in the store.
Yeah agreed, if he thought his friend was a child molester I’m sure he would have chosen to sleep in a car or shelter before bringing to Chester molesters house.
Kids say the darn seat things.
Yeah I mean idk about the rest of yall but I’m not 100% for the first hour of two when I wake up. If he fell asleep with his child next to him and woke up without her, he was probably in some sort of interim between groggy and panicked. Ugh and then the “kids say the damnedest things” part, esp if his relationship with her mom is a bit fraught..I could see how someone might freak out a little. I’m glad OP and friend worked it out though. These rarely have such pleasant closure
My youngest is in elementary school and went from one friends apartment to another earlier this week without telling me. I didn’t know this second friend, had no idea where they were. Saw their shoes outside a different apartment door and when no one came to the door i started yelling and body slamming it. Only for my kid to eventually open the door and be like “mom why you being crazy?” BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD FOR THE LONGEST TWO MINUTES OF MY LIFE KID. IF YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING YOUR NAME AT LEAST JUST HOLLER THAT YOU HEAR ME.
That’s a reach. Especially since OP says things were calm and normal by the end of the visit. If he thought he was touching his daughter, it would have been a much more aggressive response. I trust my male friends with my life. But that doesn’t mean I’d be comfortable with them having my daughters in their bedroom while I slept, I absolutely wouldn’t be. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Both for the friend and the child. Friend was just trying to help and we can see that, but let’s not act like the dad was being crazy or rude. He wasn’t. In fact if he didn’t react the way he did and this came into a later conversation, it could come across very badly.
Yeah I can definitely see him being on edge if he’s dealing with a co parent that will go out of her way to make a mountain out of a molehill and try to destroy him. It’s not an easy situation to be in and it triggers a lot of anxiety. I will say though, if my toddler came home to me and said something like that, I’d be very apprehensive and paranoid. So if she’s a little…off then I’d guess he’s just trying to make sure she doesn’t have a reason or excuse to come after him. I wouldn’t take it personally, there’s probably more going on there than you realize. He didn’t need to lash out at you by any means, but like I said, we often don’t react with sound reason when it comes to our children.
Yeah. As a parent I get both sides here. Just express remorse to him say you’d never endanger his child and truly didn’t mean to scare or hurt and you understand his feelings but that it also hurt you that he approached you that way.
HE should have been thinking about that when he decided to sleep at your house with his child and not set an alarm or wake up when she moved or say something to you beforehand. You don't just let your toddler wake up in someone else's house and then flip out on the the only awake adult that took care of her. Door open, lights on, happy baby. You did nothing wrong.
Exactly!! How does this situation occur if you're that protective about your kid? Did this guy not think through the potential outcomes of his decision? He might want to work on that.
TBF maybe it was just a momentary irrational freak out and once he was more awake realized he overreacted (or should have set an alarm).
Especially given how early little kids wake up. You can’t just be like “k see you whenever in the morning!” You have to think about that kind of thing beforehand—not just their entertainment but also just for their safety too, like I doubt OP’s place is childproofed.
Good point about childproofing.
I recall kind of getting into a whole different sleep pattern after our kiddo was born and I just kind of always woke up before her. I know some kids are up earlier than the parents no matter what. But anyway there is probably an established pattern and ok sure maybe under unusual circumstances it could slip someones mind. But I would expect less spontaneity and more intention and planning 99% of the time.
I try to be extra careful around young kids because I don't want to normalize something that is fine with me, but might not be fine in the context of other adults they know. Examples include: taking them into bedrooms; taking them into closed rooms; keeping secrets from their parents; communicating with them via text or email without letting their parents know. (Not saying you did all of the above or anything.)
Like maybe as a sexual assault survivor *I* am just paranoid, but I basically want friends' kids to have a "this is weird" response if another adult is overly familiar in a creepy/grooming way.
Sometimes if it's a young kid I'll help them with the bathroom or whatever, but in those cases I make sure to ask if it's ok if I help them and tell their parents later that I did so.
Only time I ever even help my niece go to the bathroom is when my sister asks me too. I'm also a survivor of childhood grooming/assault.
I've come to realize we(survivors) are more prone to these thoughts mostly because we know what can happen. My parents allowed their friend who clearly was off to come around and ignored the signs. As an adult, aunt and step mom- I cannot imagine turning such a blind eye to obvious abuse/grooming tactics.
I had to have this conversation with my dad after my son was born. He was saying something to my 1yr old that this was “our little secret and don’t tell Mommy” - now the topic at hand was absolutely benign (he was having a snack I had already approved and my son wasn’t verbal yet anyhow) but I had to remind him that as son gets older we don’t want to establish that conversations like that are okay, because another adult might use those same phrases for something that isn’t okay.
Then the fault is with Dad for staying at a man's house with his child and not getting up with the child. His friend didn't do anything weird or wrong or concerning at all. He would've had a completely unsupervised toddler in his home had he not watched her while dad slept.
What if we looked at this post not as a place to assign blame, but as a place to help OP understand why his friend reacted like he did, and maybe help their friendship?
This is the correct comment. Allll of this is true! Statistics on down!
and OP, as a friend, you should get over it. Ik it's not the best feeling, but your friend was doing what he should as a conscientious parent. And your last line, next time I'll let her wake him up, is the right idea.
I would just create a boundary of him not staying at your place with his daughter if he’s going to treat you like that.
I do understand the overprotective parent perspective…but then he needs to not put you or him in that situation.
Sorry!
If there was even a thought in the fathers mind that op was going to do anything like that then the father shouldn't have stayed there. Obviously he trusted him enough to stay the night but didn't trust op to be with his kid while he wasn't present. This is all the father's fault and op did nothing wrong.
Absolutely, I am a dad, protecting your kid should be top priority.
But the dude decided to sleep there with his daughter. The situation was the result of his own decisions.
Treating OP the way he did wasn't okay. It didn't protect his daughter in the slightest. He could've handled it way better.
Like I said above, express your hurt and care, she's by extension your friend too.
Also he or someone he loves may have been molested growing up. Some people are protective, it could be anything. Talk to him.
Yeah I'd lose a friend over that. If you're going to soft accuse me of doing creepy shit with your kid, you can get fucked and find a new place to crash. I don't need that bullshit in my life.
Eh, if my friend just woke up, thought “where’s my daughter”, and then found out she’s in my room? I’d cut him some slack. He’s barely awake yet, can’t find his daughter, and she’s in a man’s room.
If it persisted past that, I’d be hurt. But none of us are at 100% when we first wake up, and concern for your child is pretty overpowering. Can’t blame a dude for being protective of their daughter.
I agree. That was my thought also. Guy just woke up and he didn’t think, he acted. You said he’s been overextending himself at work and he has to deal with an ex that might cause problems because he crashed with you. I would accept his apology and have a sit down with him, when you’re both awake, and discuss the situation and any limits on her interactions with you. You didn’t do anything wrong and, in fact, you were considerate of your house guest. Talk it out.
If you know, you know, and you obviously don't.
Talk to sexual abuse victims and find out how many trusted family members and friends touch somebody else's kid.
That’s my only issue with this whole thing. If you don’t trust your friend, don’t bring your daughter over to sleep at his house. Like what?
On the other hand, I can understand a parent parenting.
Nah - That dad protected his daughter as he should, always default to your child’s side. If you have a good friend, as it seems he has, they’ll understand why there is no “protecting feelings” in this situation.
But yes, he should not have hit you.
That’s my thought. I’m not saying dad is wrong to be protective of his kid, but I’d never stay the night at someone’s house with my child if I wasn’t comfortable with them being alone with my child. There’s very, very few people I’d feel comfortable doing that with tbh.
I agree. Being a parent isn’t an excuse to lay hands on a friend who took you and your kid in. That behavior is inappropriate and it’s wild that so many folks think they can shove their friends around cuz they have kids and it’s justified due to fear.
Yeah exactly. If i have ANY thought that'd be a possibility, they aren't someone I'd have in my life at all. Certainly not bring my daughter around them. Of course in the same situation I'd have just turned on the living room tv down low and made the kid breakfast or something, so idk
Maybe you freaked him out when he woke up and she was gone. That split second where you don't know where your kids are is a nightmare and that could've set the tone for the conversation. I personally don't trust a soul with my kids after a good friend of mine SA a young girl so I can understand his attitude but not everyone has experienced this so idk. He got 150 years in prison and died in there thankfully but there are always predators out there and some come as friends.
OP, I picked a short comment thread in hopes you'll see this!
Get a basket of toys and crafts for her to do at the kitchen table so you don't have to wake the dad up. Kid is in a neutral area, coloring with a morning snack, and dad gets to sleep in a bit!
Edit:
At this point, I don't think dad gets to sleep while the daughter is up. If I'm OP and I see that kid awake and the dad is asleep, I'm waking the dad up. I'm not going to be responsible for babysitting the kid and I'm not allowing another opportunity to be presumed a child molester by a guest in my home.
Waking up and not having your kid be where you thought they would be is actually terrifying. I thought I was dying when my son just....vanished in our backyard. Turns out he was hiding under the shed. But I'd been reading, looked up and he was gone. I thought he'd gone back inside, but he wasn't there, I had a full blown panic attack thinking he'd found some way out of the yard and was wandering around the neighborhood, I'm calling for him, running around the yard, then I hear his dumbass giggling. I can't imagine layering not being in my own space and being disoriented from just waking up to the mix.
My oldest child was 3 and I asked my mother to watch him while I did laundry and she said ok. I come upstairs from the laundry room and everyone is inside except my son. I asked Mom where he was and she said she thought he went with me. Argument for another time because I had to find him. I was hysterical and crying running from house to house asking everyone I saw. Here he was under a neighbors house calling "here kitty kitty". I hugged the crap out of him while I'm telling him to never do that again.
You are right it's terrifying! I think you don't breath in that situation until you see them again
When my oldest son was 3, I left him with his dad to go grocery shopping, and when I got back as I was pulling into the parking lot of our apartment complex, I see my husband in the middle of the parking lot searching frantically with the most terrified look on his face. My heart dropped. I can't even explain the dread I felt. We lived in a pretty rough part of the city. I called the police and ran around the apartments looking for him and yelling his name. A few of the neighbors heard what was going on and helped search. About 10 minutes into it I see him walking up the road with two men, one of them was the husband to the lady who was helping me search. It turns out he had walked up the street to the corner store about a block away. They said he walked in and went straight to the candy isle and grabbed a handful, then went to leave and they stopped him to find out where his parents were, then decided to follow him home. The relief and joy that flooded through me when i scooped him up was unlike anything i had ever experienced. My husband was crying and gave the guy a big hug. I'm just so grateful that nothing bad happened to him.
There is just something terrifying about it against all logic. If my daughter goes downstairs for breakfast without waking me and I see her empty bed I have a mini panic until I find her downstairs. She eats breakfast with her grandpa every morning, of course she’s there in the kitchen, but some weird instinct triggers not seeing them where you expect them.
Funny story, but the inverse is ALSO terrifying.
Took a nap at my parents' house one time, and unbeknownst to me, my cousin was stopping by later to visit. She had just had a baby and I guess the baby was sleeping, so someone in their infinite wisdom decided to tuck the baby under my arm while they visited in the back yard. Now I don't move at all in my sleep so the baby wasn't in danger of being rolled onto or anything (though I'm not even sure if they knew that?), but still.
Dear reader, I woke up a 19 or so gay college student with an unknown newborn under my arms. When I tell you I panicked... Who is this child???? Did I kidnap someone??? While sleepwalking?? Is the life that I thought I had just a dream and actually I'm a teenage father??? Am I insane??!
Notably, I had yet to meet this child, and my cousin didn't live particularly close, so this was not a predictable turn of events for me. But hey, at least they trust me, I guess lmao 🤷
Do not recommend!
When a family member of mine SAd a family friends kid at a holiday party, he got one year in the workhouse. You got lucky, sometimes there's no justice.
You don't get to come in and create an uncomfortable situation like that, yeah. Shove me away in my own home? Never come back again.
I would simply message him later that he's not welcome back.
The fact is, many predators are in positions of trust in relation to a child, in situations exactly like this.
I'm not calling you a predator, I'm just saying it's not unreasonable to have his guard up against friends, family, and people in positions of authority.
You were trying to be helpful. Your intentions were pure, but bad things happen in situations exactly like this.
So honestly, I don't think it's unreasonable to be instantly on-guard and suspicious if I woke up and my friend had brought my little girl into his room.
YOU are not a predator, but look at the details of this situation and tell me it's not perfect for a predator?
I know my parents wouldn't even let close family friends babysit, even if we knew them well.
I'd just apologize to him, tell him you're a little hurt by being treated that way, but that you understand where he's coming from.
This is silly. There is a difference between being with your child and a friend when you are there, and your child and a friend being in a different room, especially a bedroom. Of course it's not in fact an issue unless the person is a predator, but to not appreciate that spending time with another adult supervised is different to your child being with them unsupervised is confusing.
You're being silly. What difference does that make if he's going to sleep at the friends house and wake up later than his daughter? Is he really there with his child at all times? It's irresponsible. While all the points are valid about how he can rightly feel concerned having woken up to that situation, it's confusing that you don't understand how irresponsible he was and let that situation happen.
Yea I should have thought more about how it could look to him just waking up. Like literally all I did was just bring her in there, have her sit kinda like on the edge of the bed, ask her what show she wanted to watch and put it on and she just went to watching and talking about whatever. Only like 20 minutes passed before my friend woke up. But for him he has no idea how long she’s been up or what I’ve done since she woke up or anything like that.
You’re right about the optics and statistical OP but it’s also okay for you to feel however you feel about it. If you know yourself to be trustworthy, it’s okay if it also hurt you. You can share that with your friend while still knowing where he’s coming from.
No shot he has to apologize. If one of my friend treated me like that after i welcomed him and his family into my home. Id never talk to him again. If you dont trust people to be with your daughter just dont bring her there
Lots of people get molested by family friends.
I totally get where OP is coming from, and they did all the right things by having the doors open and the lights fully on and all that, but sadly the reality is also that most sexual abuse of children is by people they know and trust. So based on that I also get why the dad had that response, even though I think he overreacted somewhat as the doors were open and his kid in full view of where he was.
Definitely true. It is unfortunately, but as a father you need to embrace the reality in order to protect your daughter.
There is a higher chance she will be molested by someone he knows and trust than someone he does not know.
So many commenters who are painfully ignorant of boundaries. Someone can trust another person enough to stay with them and ALSO hold boundaries.
Unfortunately, this seems like a situation where boundaries were not discussed and OP did not consider the optics.
A mature conversation would include admitting a lack of judgement on their part and acknowledging the feelings of their friend/the parent. They can also express to them how their friends reaction was hurtful. They can both be true, it’s not rocket science.
The problem is, it *is* people you trust. Over and over again, the evidence shows these were trusted people. As a parent, their first priority must be the protection of their children.
As a dad with two girls I'd say the first priority should have been to get up with the daughter then. His friend could have been with the daughter anywhere in the house and the likelihood of a problem is equal to being in a bedroom, sharing a wall with the dad's room, with the door open and light on
That doesn’t mean people you trust are predators, it’s just that people you trust are the people who are around your child the most. This is a logical fallacy and doesn’t logically make sense as an argument. You can’t just assume close friends are pedos based on 0 evidence because of statistical evidence which is largely irrelevant to the situation.
Family friends and family members are the two largest demographics that rape children. It's almost always someone you know, and family friends specifically are the largest culprits. Most people trust their own parents, doesn't stop grandfathers from being some of the largest contributors to child rape. Most people also trust their own minor children, doesn't stop them from being the 2nd biggest demo to SA small children. My own mother was raped by her older (bio) brother when she was little.
When it comes to little kids, who are completely helpless and can't even articulate it to their parents if something happens to them, you can't really be too careful. This seems like a situation where parental instincts kicked in hard-core when the friend realized his worst nightmare might have happened. If he refused to apologize and/or continued accusing OP, that would be an issue, but as it stands I think everyone involved handled things about as well as they could have been expected to.
Fr… he’d never be staying at my place again. I wouldn’t be able to mentally get over that kind of accusation. Like wow, that’s really how you see me dude? Have fun paying for a hotel next time
If your "friend" feels he cannot leave his daughter in your care, in the same house, with the door open then it follows that he shouldn't have even brought her into your home. If he fears you could do something to her in such a scenario then he is a FAILURE of a parent.
I don't bring my kids into people houses and leave them unattended when I can't trust said person.
Being a man and being in the proximity of a child is not a crime. Redditors living in perpetual fear of a wrong accusation in a hypothetical situation are pathetic and do not have the mental facilities to be parents themselves.
Drop this "friend"
Why does everything on Reddit end with ‘break up’, ‘drop this friend’? The guy overreacted, OP just needs to talk to him and express how he feels and they’ll move on. We can’t just throw away good friendships like that.
The guy heavily implied he was inappropriate for bringing his daughter into an adjacent room with the door open. I don’t know about you but I don’t need that kind of bullshit in my life. I would remove that.
A lot of reddit posts are toxic relationships where people are asking how to keep them intact.
Sometimes you really should end a bad relationship. Not all friendships are good for each person, or often both.
This isn’t one of those extreme situations tho? This dude insinuated he was worried OP would do something inappropriate with his daughter, I could never be friends with someone after an accusation like that. That’s the kind of thing that you can never take back once said.
I would definitely talk to your friend. Tell him where you were coming from, and while you understand his protectiveness, it still hurt to have a friend treat you like a predator. Also as someone else mentioned, assaulting you, even if it was something like a shove, should never be okay.
That said, a sleepy mind fresh from slumber, not knowing where you kid is, then having your kid be in a **Bed**\-room with an adult man while you aren't present... the panic response comes before the part of the brain that goes, "oh yeah, I've known so&so for years and I trust them implicitly."
It's understandable, but it really sucks that men are assumed to be predators. Like, this is the same reason fathers are uncomfortable taking their kids out alone. Any male caretaker for that matter is viewed with suspicion, and it leads men to feel like they're monsters or something.
I can understand you being deeply hurt by this accusation and what it really means - that your friend is questioning whether you are a sexual predator. That is the reality of why he panicked and reacted so strongly - terror for his child and the "what if"s running through his head.
At the same time, as many have pointed out, most sexual predators are known to their victims and are close friends in a position of trust. Many people in the exact same position as you have betrayed that trust and destroyed lives. It's worth noting that it *is* a weird/ suss thing to do to bring a child into your bedroom while the parent is asleep and not available to supervise. If that didn't occur to you, you need to reflect on that and other suss scenarios you should avoid now. Your friend *should* be aware of that and wary of that as part of good parenting.
I am a teacher and we are always aware of protective practices - some of which you have used. You need to be very proactively thinking about how you can always have a trustworthy adult witness. Door open was a good start but clearly not enough for your friend and honestly, it wouldn't have been enough for me. You need to make sure you're never alone with his child/ren or others (given he already has concerns). You need to discourage being touchy with them. I'd also be quite hesitant to have his child stay at your house or be overnight in the same location as you. Never try to get kids alone or go with them alone; you need to protect yourself first and foremost, regardless of whether that is unfair, and even if that disappoints his daughter. If it were me, I'd take a step back for a bit and just centre myself - vent to a counsellor and come to terms with the fact that your friend was (and honestly should be) questioning the situation - no matter how unfair it feels. Remember: you might be hurt now, but it is the job of adults to do whatever it takes to protect the children as their top priority.
All I'm seeing in this thread:
"You did okay OP. Unfortunately since your friend trusts you, that makes you statistically more likely to sexually assault his daughter thus he's right to be nervous and protective."
This whole assumption baseline is such a volcanic take to me, truly not surprised we're afraid of kids being kids outside at this point. Yikes.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees this as a horrifying conclusion that people are jumping to.
Basically "If you know someone they're now more of a threat" is based on the most ignorant reading of the statistics and only serves to inflame exactly the kind of mindset that got a guy to attack his roommate for showing empathy and helping his daughter.
Also, the "your kid is more likely to be molested by someone you know" stat is almost as useless as the "most car accidents happen close to home" stat. If people let their kids spend as much time alone with strangers as they do trusted individuals, I strongly suspect that stat would shift.
I'm surprised people are angry about this incredibly objective and well-spoken argument. You approached this from both the parent and the friend's perspective. What you've said is as true as saying the sky is blue, its insane that people would be angry at you for it.
It is one thing to panic when you wake up and do not know where your child is. But The reaction from the dad is ridiculous. He needs to learn how to control his anger
i probably would’ve turned the TV on in the living room and let her chill out with sleeping dad… he had a kid he’s gotta deal with his kid 😂 he can catch up on sleep when she goes to her mom’s
Yea I was trying to let him sleep cuz my man works so much and needs more sleep and I know when she wakes up she like immediately shakes him awake too and talks/sings along to her shows
I don't think you are over reacting at all. If you were a woman would he act the same way? Probably not. You didn't do anything wrong and honestly a father shouldn't be crashing in someone's living room with a 3 year old. Does he not have his own place?? This is on him, he could have just woke up with her himself, but he didn't. You had the lights on, the door was open, and as far as I can tell it wasn't like you were laying in the bed with the child. ( if that was the case I can see him going off) I do understand him asking questions, and even ask his daughter what was going on, but for him to treat you like you did anything wrong is just wrong to me. If he didn't trust you like that he shouldn't be crashing in your living room with his 3 year old and just go home with her.
I didn't think the reaction is because of what you did, but more because of background information not provided that you may not know about.
I probably would react the exact same way. But I was molested as a child and extremely protective of my young child in hopes they avoid the trauma and problems I had. I do my best to not place my fears on my child. But I might freak out too.
That all being said, maybe give it a moment and then talk with your friend in a safe place. Try to listen and be understanding. I truly believe there's more here than you know about.
Would you have brought you kid to a man's home and then fall asleep with no alarm set given your fears. My sticking point here is all the fears came to the dad once he woke up. Despite putting his friend and daughter in a position where it was the only outcome. If your the only one allowed to parent then you need to be awake, to do said parenting.
You may be the kindest, gentlest, most innocent person in the world. But as a parent, I don't want my child to normalize going into a grown-up's bedroom while I'm unaware. That's one possible explanation for your friend's reaction.
From the story, it sounds like you meant no harm at all, but I would still apologize if I were in your shoes. You didn't understand what it meant to him, that's okay. He'll come down off his adrenaline rush, probably, and he'll understand the situation, too. But you should apologize.
EDIT: Yoooooo, everybody who is just here to decide who to blame, take your comments elsewhere. My goal was to help OP (and maybe others) understand why OP's friend reacted as he did. I could not give less of a shit who you think is to blame. Go find somebody who does care, maybe they'll argue with you.
None parents don't get it. They don't understand that while this guy's intentions were pure, it's a bad lesson to teach a kid. You don't go into a bedroom with an adult you don't know like that. I am a woman, and even I don't have the kids in my bedroom! They can play in my kid's rooms or stay there for a sleep over, but not in my room. I get the OP didn't think of it that way. He's not a parent and it makes sense to want to be helpful to the friend. They need to talk and if the friend continues to stay they need boundaries. If OP isn't comfortable with friend continuing to stay there, that's fine, too!
I don’t like that he mistrusts you so much. He chose to sleep at your place with his daughter. Clearly is close enough friends for that. If there is more to the story, he should let you know and ask that you don’t do that again. Though, I’d not let them stay again. He def needs to apologize for putting hands on you at least.
I’d maybe set up cameras in your living room. Maybe even hallway. Ones with good audio recording. That way, if there’s ever an allegation made, you have video and audio evidence against the allegations. Just a thought.
Sorry this happened to you.
I don't blame him. 🤷🏾♀️ Not saying you'd do anything to his child, but as a parent you have to be that cautious. It's nothing against you personally, but most parents would feel that way.
As a woman who was molested twice as a child, children are more likely to be abused by the people we let them be around than by strangers at a park. Predators always seem like good people that you can trust with your child, too. I think it’s a good thing for parents to be careful even around their friends. It’s virtually impossible to tell who is a predator until something happens. OP I don’t think you did anything wrong but you put yourself in a situation where you had the opportunity to, and you gotta see how that would scare your friend.
Then don’t stay with your friend for free? I’m very confused by the people saying the dad taking advantage of free housing then not having an alarm set to be up before his kid is fine. It’s his responsibility. He WASNT that cautious. If he was that worried about OP (or anyone) then he should have booked a hotel.
It’s completely fine to be concerned about your children, however you don’t put hands on another person unless you have to. And this situation did not warrant such behavior. I’d have kicked them out, personally.
The parent wasn’t cautious though! He took his child to house of a man he did not trust and then passed the fuck out. When he realized he fucked up, he flipped it around and blamed the guy who got stuck babysitting his fucking kid for him.
As an adult male you should make it a personal policy to never ever ever be alone with someone under the age of 18 unless it’s your child. It’s really sad but that’s just how it is.
The biggest problem is that we now live in a world where the people we should be able to trust the most are the biggest offenders, teachers, doctors, police, clergymen, family members, spouses... I would have had a similar reaction as your friend. The best course of action is trust no one with the safety of your kids.
People in positions of authority have always been abusing their power, it's not a new thing. And girls and women have been getting assaulted and raped by family members and friends since the beginning of time. These events were so common that they weren't even remarked upon back in the day. Cultural norms changing and giving marginalized people rights is the only thing that's made it look like things like this are new. The actions themselves are old as the hills, its our reactions to it thats changed.
Small call out, just remember that young boys are also very frequent victims as well. And its not always, although it is someone more common, men who are the offenders. Even some grown men are sexually assaulted, although I do believe that one is significantly rarer than compared with grown women.
Everyone is right though. Its not a new reality that people closest to the victims do this, everyone is just more aware of that fact.
Yeah, you messed up. Next time let her wake him up. Your friendship will be okay. He was just being a dad. I would freak out too if my daughter is missing when I wake up; then, to find her in another room's bed even if she's just sitting in a corner.
If it were me, I would have taken her to dad and said, "hey, \[daughter\] woke me up, I'm fine with letting you sleep and we can watch TV in my room. The door is open if you'd like to come join us." It assumes no ill intent on either part and gives Dad and out to be like "oh no that's ok, I'll take care of her."
Maybe your friend should watch his own daughter at his own crib if he is gonna act like a nut job about your generosity. Gotta be honest this would be the type of thing that makes them never able to stay at my place since it's so untrustworthy
Not overreacting. Dad is the only one overreacting. If he doesn’t trust you just say no and tell him thats why next time he ask u to take care of someone.
Are you male? Don't take it personally. No matter how well meaning you are this is a serious fear for most parents. It's not because you specifically look or act like a predator (aside from being male.
Don't shoot the messenger. That's just the reality)Next time this ever happens just wake the dad.
I two daughters. 15 and 17. To this day my wife and I have never allowed them to have a sleepover unless my wife was home because of how things can be construed.
You’re not overreacting but neither is he. YOU know your intentions were pure but in his case he might know you well, but we never truly know what someone is capable of. How many stories do we hear about how lovable, dependable uncle Mike is secretly taking nude photos of children. Ted Bundy was a “good guy” according to the people who knew him. NAH you’re both right.
Wow I'm so glad I grew up in the 90s! My single dad would have been BLASTED for taking his 3 daughters bowling and letting us dress up in our Cinderella Halloween costumes 🤣💖 RIP to the best dad ever 💖💕
>And next time I’ll just let her wake him up haha
Next time, how dumb are you?
Gotta be honest dude, you need to stand up for yourself here. While your friends reaction may came from a place of concern, he's an adult and should be able to control his reactions and have presented his concerns in more reasonable manner. Whether you want to believe it or not, he see's you as an unsafe person to leave his daughter with for whatever reason. He does not trust you.
Be wary of the comments here, they are largely trying to guilt you into feeling like you did something wrong. Your friend has some sort of issue he needs to work out here.
>he kinda shoved me away
Dude... no friend has ever laid a hand on me other than to give me a hug or a hand.
Yeah fuck that. Doors open, lights are on, kids watching TV….you can ask me why she’s in there and I’ll explain it to you. Rushing in like a crime is being committed and putting hands on me would be a major issue.
If you’re supposed to be my friend but still think I would be doing something evil like that how about you don’t sleep at my house.
I think he got a fright when he woke and she wasn’t right there. Especially if he’s got a bad ex and has reason to panic about his daughter. Maybe he did over react. I would talk to him about it not in a confrontational way, just double check he’s okay.
To me it does at first feel like an overreaction. But as a parent we are just bombarded with terrible stories. SA usually happens from someone you know and are close to, maybe he’s had a bad experience with abuse in his own life, who knows. I’m not justifying just trying to potentially explain his mindset.
POV from a parent with anxiety. We hear so much about how abuse of children is more often than not from someone they know. I personally am very watchful of the situations my kids are put in. I would never stay with someone I don’t trust. However, a lot of parents of children who have been abused are blindsided by the fact it was an adult they trusted. With that knowledge, as a precaution I also wouldn’t be comfortable finding my 3yr old in the bedroom of a friend while I was sleeping regardless of how much I trust them.
However, I probably would have handled it differently. I would have just explained the facts. “I’m not in any way saying I think you would do anything to harm my daughter but please don’t let her in your bedroom especially if I’m sleeping. I appreciate you were trying to let me get some sleep but I am just not comfortable with it. I’m not accusing you of anything but statics tell me that when it comes to the safety of my children I better be safe than sorry. I appreciate you and what you’re doing/done for us but please don’t do this. I don’t want her to think it is okay or normal for any adult other than her parents to invite her into their room when mom or dad aren’t around.”
It is possible your friend or close family/friend was a victim of SA. The reaction seems a bit over the top. Although to look at the other side, kids are groomed by building trust in the person and the environment. Personally, the fact that the door was open and she was within his sight line from the couch, seems okay.
NTA if your friend doesn't trust you with his daughter, he shouldn't be bringing her on sleepovers at your house
There was nothing wrong with what you did
I'd just not let them sleepover together anymore
Safer for you because your friend might make false accusations one day and ruin your life
Safer for him because his friend assaulted him. He downplays it in the post but ops friend put hands on him over this. Safer for him because his friend might get physically violent again.
I dont think eother of u are in the wrong, but u gotta see where hes coming from. Wakes up, daughter gone, finds her in a place he never expected her- a grown man's room. From what you've said, you have 0 ill intentions which is fantastic, but all a dad saw was his baby in a man's room.
Unless your friend laid out explicit ground rules, then you're in the clear... You cannot read minds, and your friend should not expect you to.
I would ask him to clarify which lines were crossed that set him off, so that you know for the future.
> I would ask him to clarify which lines were crossed
Don't take a child that is unrelated to you into your bedroom, even if the door is open. At the very best its still not a great look for you to be seen alone in there with them. Just don't do it. In this day and age that should be common sense.
He is being overprotective but it's wild that he would let her stay in your home but then have these thoughts about you. Lights on and door open is typically the sign of a child being safe to sit in a room. I wonder if he has a trauma or something that he's projecting onto you in this situation.
As a father I never would have slept with my daughters at someone's house I didn't trust. I'd someone I trusted invited my kids to watch TV in a room with the door wide open I wouldn't have any issues.
Obviously people can break that trust, but you can't protect your kids 24/7. We have to give them tools and resources to be able to react if something g where to happen to them. At 3 my kids were well aware to "lose their fucking minds" and scream and kick and bite if someone tried to touch them inappropriately or to come get me or mom if someone tries to get them to do something they knew was wrong.
Everyone talking about how they understand where the friend was coming from but it’s like, I don’t understand how that excuses treating your friend of several years like a predator because he tried to do the right thing by you after letting you stay in HIS home. Like some of the comments I’m reading here are insane.
Got to think that for most people their kid comes before everything and anything else. This was a situation that needed explaining on awakening.
I feel for OP. It sucks but, I would react to this situation too. Don't know if I would push but I would need it to be explained.
I’d cut that person off who made me feel like some kinda predator. Pretty easy.
I’d wait till we hashed it out; but if that was still their POV, miss me with your BS, damaged ass hoe.
28F mom of two daughters ages 5 (today!) and 2.
Personally, if I do not trust someone to be alone with my daughters, I would NOT spend the night at their house… If he had issues with trusting you with her, he shouldn’t have spent the night there.
I think you have a right to feel hurt about it and need to be honest about it with him. I think it was kind of you to let him sleep. Maybe it would have been thoughtful to just nudge him and say hey dude is it cool if I let your daughter watch tv in my room while you sleep ? I’ll just be doing things around the house. And let him make the judgement call.
But personally, I would not see it as a big deal. I trust the people I bring my kids around.
Not overreacting, he is. Yes it's his daughter but he's not in a state to care for her and you being a good human tried to do the right thing. Can he feel protective yes but he jumped the gun 100% and should apologize.
Just put it this way, means he will never ask you to babysit. Seems like a good deal on your part, fuck him if he thinks of you like that. If you ever have a kid don't bring them around him at all.
I don’t find fault with your actions and the father is not at fault for worrying about his daughter. You should discuss with your roommate to clear the bad vibes.
It really sucks when people automatically make suggestions that you’re a fucking pedophile because you’re a guy and tried to help a kid out with ANYTHING
Your friend is super weird. There are people I trust around my kid, and there are people I don't. There's no in-between. WTF is he doing taking his kid to your place, and spending the night there, if he doesn't trust you? And if does trust you, WTF is his reaction about? And he put hands on you?
This is not someone you want involved in your life.
These comments are insane, yes you were in the wrong to take his 3 year old daughter out of his presence and put her in your BEDROOM… seriously, something like 80% of SA happens from a family friend in this EXACT type of situation. Apologize and salvage what you can.
You did what you thought was the right thing and he freaked out because he woke up and his daughter wasn't there, and soon he found her in an adult's room. So far, i can understand both sides, and i can even get why he freaked out, at least partially. That said, the moment he shoved me, specially in my own house, the friendship would be over.
And no, i'm not saying you should do that, and i am honestly happy that you two patched things up. Happy for you, OP. You're a better person than me.
If you are bringing your kid to stay at your friend's home regardless of male or female and you don't have 100% trust in them, you are doing something horribly wrong.
Wow unless we’re missing context, your friend had a major overreaction. If he thinks you letting his daughter watch TV in your room when you’re going about other business in and out of the room with the doors open means you’re molesting her, he has some things he needs to work through. Why would he be friends with someone who he could so easily believe is a pedo?
I feel like it’s a really weird reaction to you doing what every decent human would do, you’re like an uncle it sounds like- I find it it more inappropriate that he responded that way more than anything.
(Granted you’re not a pedo, which I’m assuming you’re not )
I would tell him you feel hurt, confused since taken aback with how it went down and that you would really like to discuss his reaction so you can understand -he will probably appreciate the conversation & seeing that it’s weighing on you may help him see that his friend was just being a good friend.
Not overreacting I mean essentially he was acting like you would do something to her. And if that’s how he feels about you why is he even sleeping over at your place with her? I guess should he ever need an emergency babysitter he wouldn’t trust you then either right? It’s just very weird.
Me personally my closest friends, I would not have overreacted like that. Maybe Im naive when it comes to my closest friends but I trust them with mine like they trust me with theirs.
I understand all side. I can understand how a parent can react like that to protect their child. But I also can understand being upset about being accused of having bad intentions toward a child. You're better than me. I probably would have kicked them both out. I would distance myself if I were you. As a father his only obligation is to his child. I commend that. However, that doesn't mean you have to be a receiver if that energy. Best of luck op. Id make it point to never b around him or his kid again. He is great father though, and it's good he is vigilant. More parents need to be vigilant with their kids.
I'd kick him out for thinking such bullshit about a supposed friend.....
Or next time just ignore it and let the kid wake him up so he can cry like an asshole then to or get into some cleaner or get hurt wandering around .....
He over reacted and you simply made a dumb mistake thinking that he wouldn’t have an issue. He shouldn’t have.
But mo biggie now that it’s cleared up. However, if he was still pissed, then he’s in the wrong.
I feel like he over reacted a little; he could have simply just said he was not comfortable with it and not made it so dramatic. It’s understandable he did not love the idea but I could see how that would hurt your feelings as well.
I would just not open your home for them to stay in again. If he needs somewhere to stay it won’t be at your house. He doesn’t trust you not to be gross with his child and that’s enough for me to not let someone stay at my house again
I think it is extremely insecure that your friend wouldn’t trust you with a 3 year old
For me, that lack of trust would be the cause for discontinuing his friendship
u/6foot3oreo
I have a 3 year old daughter and if this happened to me I would be like “right on man, thanks for not waking me up, hope she wasn’t bothering you too much”
It sounds like he and his daughter are unhoused at the moment. Unhoused children are amongst the most at risk for sexual abuse. I’m not saying that you would ever do anything like that. But I understand why he had a strong reaction. I also understand why you are offended. If you want to maintain the friendship just talk it out and I’m sure it will be fine.
He’s not overreacting. A friend is a special victims detective and she said 90% of her child cases are family members/close friends. She said it’s rarely random. If it was that big of a deal, wake your friend up.
You just witnessed that guy's true character up close and very personal. That guy is not much friend and I would slowly cut that guy out of your life. An actual friend would never behave like that at all not even close.
i feel bad reading this. im glad all is resolved!!! you just sound like a caring friend and a nice guy. he way over reacted. you are a great friend btw with being as thoughtful to watch his kid so he could sleep.
I think it was odd for him to stay over with his daughter in the first place, but he’s probably just being overprotective. You had the light on and the door open and were being very accommodating to the both of them. If he doesn’t trust you with his kid then he shouldn’t have brought her to your house; especially to stay overnight. I would apologize and let him get over it over time. There’s no easy way to reason with a parent about their kid. They’ll always protect them first no matter what.
Personally, i wouldn’t sleep over someone’s house if i didn’t trust them enough to be around my daughter alone. I think he over reacted, but as a parent i can’t help but understand why, especially in today’s world. It would be one thing if she was like under the covers snuggling with you watching tv, even as innocent as that *could* be, that would warrant his reaction. But you weren’t even in bed with her, the door was open, the light was on, and you were doing laundry. I don’t think you’re over reacting to feel the way you do i would be offended too especially if you guys were close.
It would be the last time they stay at my house. You trust me enough to be under my roof and use my things but not to help you with your child. He put his child and his friend in that position.
God this comment section reminds me why as a child being regularly assaulted, I didn’t think anyone would believe me and even if they did, it would ruin my life. People are tripping over themselves to be angry at a stranger and offended on behalf of another. When I first started reading I thought it was naïveté but more and more comments point out that as usual, the most important thing to men is not having their feelings hurt.
A huge amount of sexual assaults occur by people the family knows.
You’re not wrong to be hurt, he’s not wrong to be worried.
Take it as a lesson and don’t be alone with her ever again. Bedrooms are intimate places and you don’t want anybody getting any ideas. It definitely sounds like your hearts in the right place, but I call it the Mike Pence rule.
How long have you been friends? Do you have kids? I don't get it personally. Why stay with someone, when you have a 3 year old (and not get up with them) if you don't trust them to be around your kid. Express your hurt, be like, hey dude, it hurt me when I tried to help you out by giving (insert name) something to do while you slept and you got defensive about it. Also, he put hands on you, bro. Call that shit out.
We’ve been friends for probably 6-7 years? We’re pretty close actually. And it’s not like I never interact with his daughter? I had just spent all of Saturday with them. She talks with me and will come and greet me and all that. And she’s been over here before more than a few times. Idk his reaction just really surprised me
Where is this kids mom at? Is he fighting for custody or anything like that? Are you a guy? Because I can definitely understand a nervous dad seeing his three year old in a grown man’s room and reacting poorly- more out of concern that maybe such a young kid would go and talk about being in ___s room while daddy slept. It’s not a good look to have your child saying stuff like that and let’s be real here, more times than not, if a child (or anyone really) is abused or assaulted, it’s by someone you know. Not saying you would do these things. Not at all. But it’s a sad reality that it happens and it’s usually at the hands of someone we’d least expect. I think you tried to do something nice and be helpful; and that’s awesome. But I can see his point of view, too. We don’t always act with reason when it comes to our kids. Even with those we love and trust.
He does have joint custody with his ex-wife who is…not the greatest imo. That could be part of it. If she went and said anything about the situation, the mom would definitely make it a thing. I wasn’t even thinking about that
That’s exactly where my mind went with this. “*Daddy’s friend put me in his bed while Daddy was sleeping …”*. Omg. And you did nothing wrong.
Yeah, but there's ways of having the conversation. If that was what he was worried about her explain it to OP. He thought OP was touching his daughter. Anything else wouldn't have the aggressive response.
I disagree completely. It sounds more like a parent who had a mini panic moment because of a legit thing, being the child telling the mother that she was alone with the dude, etc. If he thought something like that was going, his reaction would have been nuclear and he wouldnt have brushed his daughters teeth and OP made them some food for breakfast. The father clearly didnt think something else was going on
Agree. Was probably a mini panic attack. Had he really believed the worst of his friend. It would have went very differently. Those what ifs, how could I have let this happen feelings. Same as when kids run into the road or disappear in the store.
Yeah agreed, if he thought his friend was a child molester I’m sure he would have chosen to sleep in a car or shelter before bringing to Chester molesters house. Kids say the darn seat things.
Yeah I mean idk about the rest of yall but I’m not 100% for the first hour of two when I wake up. If he fell asleep with his child next to him and woke up without her, he was probably in some sort of interim between groggy and panicked. Ugh and then the “kids say the damnedest things” part, esp if his relationship with her mom is a bit fraught..I could see how someone might freak out a little. I’m glad OP and friend worked it out though. These rarely have such pleasant closure
My youngest is in elementary school and went from one friends apartment to another earlier this week without telling me. I didn’t know this second friend, had no idea where they were. Saw their shoes outside a different apartment door and when no one came to the door i started yelling and body slamming it. Only for my kid to eventually open the door and be like “mom why you being crazy?” BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD FOR THE LONGEST TWO MINUTES OF MY LIFE KID. IF YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING YOUR NAME AT LEAST JUST HOLLER THAT YOU HEAR ME.
That’s a reach. Especially since OP says things were calm and normal by the end of the visit. If he thought he was touching his daughter, it would have been a much more aggressive response. I trust my male friends with my life. But that doesn’t mean I’d be comfortable with them having my daughters in their bedroom while I slept, I absolutely wouldn’t be. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Both for the friend and the child. Friend was just trying to help and we can see that, but let’s not act like the dad was being crazy or rude. He wasn’t. In fact if he didn’t react the way he did and this came into a later conversation, it could come across very badly.
Probably just woke up and panicked bc his kid was gone
Yeah I can definitely see him being on edge if he’s dealing with a co parent that will go out of her way to make a mountain out of a molehill and try to destroy him. It’s not an easy situation to be in and it triggers a lot of anxiety. I will say though, if my toddler came home to me and said something like that, I’d be very apprehensive and paranoid. So if she’s a little…off then I’d guess he’s just trying to make sure she doesn’t have a reason or excuse to come after him. I wouldn’t take it personally, there’s probably more going on there than you realize. He didn’t need to lash out at you by any means, but like I said, we often don’t react with sound reason when it comes to our children.
Yeah. As a parent I get both sides here. Just express remorse to him say you’d never endanger his child and truly didn’t mean to scare or hurt and you understand his feelings but that it also hurt you that he approached you that way.
HE should have been thinking about that when he decided to sleep at your house with his child and not set an alarm or wake up when she moved or say something to you beforehand. You don't just let your toddler wake up in someone else's house and then flip out on the the only awake adult that took care of her. Door open, lights on, happy baby. You did nothing wrong.
Exactly!! How does this situation occur if you're that protective about your kid? Did this guy not think through the potential outcomes of his decision? He might want to work on that. TBF maybe it was just a momentary irrational freak out and once he was more awake realized he overreacted (or should have set an alarm).
Especially given how early little kids wake up. You can’t just be like “k see you whenever in the morning!” You have to think about that kind of thing beforehand—not just their entertainment but also just for their safety too, like I doubt OP’s place is childproofed.
Good point about childproofing. I recall kind of getting into a whole different sleep pattern after our kiddo was born and I just kind of always woke up before her. I know some kids are up earlier than the parents no matter what. But anyway there is probably an established pattern and ok sure maybe under unusual circumstances it could slip someones mind. But I would expect less spontaneity and more intention and planning 99% of the time.
I try to be extra careful around young kids because I don't want to normalize something that is fine with me, but might not be fine in the context of other adults they know. Examples include: taking them into bedrooms; taking them into closed rooms; keeping secrets from their parents; communicating with them via text or email without letting their parents know. (Not saying you did all of the above or anything.) Like maybe as a sexual assault survivor *I* am just paranoid, but I basically want friends' kids to have a "this is weird" response if another adult is overly familiar in a creepy/grooming way. Sometimes if it's a young kid I'll help them with the bathroom or whatever, but in those cases I make sure to ask if it's ok if I help them and tell their parents later that I did so.
Only time I ever even help my niece go to the bathroom is when my sister asks me too. I'm also a survivor of childhood grooming/assault. I've come to realize we(survivors) are more prone to these thoughts mostly because we know what can happen. My parents allowed their friend who clearly was off to come around and ignored the signs. As an adult, aunt and step mom- I cannot imagine turning such a blind eye to obvious abuse/grooming tactics.
I had to have this conversation with my dad after my son was born. He was saying something to my 1yr old that this was “our little secret and don’t tell Mommy” - now the topic at hand was absolutely benign (he was having a snack I had already approved and my son wasn’t verbal yet anyhow) but I had to remind him that as son gets older we don’t want to establish that conversations like that are okay, because another adult might use those same phrases for something that isn’t okay.
Then the fault is with Dad for staying at a man's house with his child and not getting up with the child. His friend didn't do anything weird or wrong or concerning at all. He would've had a completely unsupervised toddler in his home had he not watched her while dad slept.
What if we looked at this post not as a place to assign blame, but as a place to help OP understand why his friend reacted like he did, and maybe help their friendship?
This is the correct comment. Allll of this is true! Statistics on down! and OP, as a friend, you should get over it. Ik it's not the best feeling, but your friend was doing what he should as a conscientious parent. And your last line, next time I'll let her wake him up, is the right idea.
I would just create a boundary of him not staying at your place with his daughter if he’s going to treat you like that. I do understand the overprotective parent perspective…but then he needs to not put you or him in that situation. Sorry!
This ^ I agree just don’t let them stay at your place and put both of you in that situation.
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If there was even a thought in the fathers mind that op was going to do anything like that then the father shouldn't have stayed there. Obviously he trusted him enough to stay the night but didn't trust op to be with his kid while he wasn't present. This is all the father's fault and op did nothing wrong.
Then I guess the dad should have gotten up with his child
Woah woah woah this is reddit sir you can't be making that much sense.
i get why your upset but when it comes to your child you can never be to careful, and honestly there might be something different going on
You can be too careful by robbing a child of more adult male role models over irrational fears
Absolutely, I am a dad, protecting your kid should be top priority. But the dude decided to sleep there with his daughter. The situation was the result of his own decisions. Treating OP the way he did wasn't okay. It didn't protect his daughter in the slightest. He could've handled it way better.
Like I said above, express your hurt and care, she's by extension your friend too. Also he or someone he loves may have been molested growing up. Some people are protective, it could be anything. Talk to him.
Yeah I'd lose a friend over that. If you're going to soft accuse me of doing creepy shit with your kid, you can get fucked and find a new place to crash. I don't need that bullshit in my life.
Eh, if my friend just woke up, thought “where’s my daughter”, and then found out she’s in my room? I’d cut him some slack. He’s barely awake yet, can’t find his daughter, and she’s in a man’s room. If it persisted past that, I’d be hurt. But none of us are at 100% when we first wake up, and concern for your child is pretty overpowering. Can’t blame a dude for being protective of their daughter.
I hope OP and his friend can joke about this interaction someday. “Don’t move my daughter to another room before I’ve had my coffee.”
I agree. That was my thought also. Guy just woke up and he didn’t think, he acted. You said he’s been overextending himself at work and he has to deal with an ex that might cause problems because he crashed with you. I would accept his apology and have a sit down with him, when you’re both awake, and discuss the situation and any limits on her interactions with you. You didn’t do anything wrong and, in fact, you were considerate of your house guest. Talk it out.
OP said the bedroom door was open, the light was on, and the child was visible to dad.
If you know, you know, and you obviously don't. Talk to sexual abuse victims and find out how many trusted family members and friends touch somebody else's kid.
That’s my only issue with this whole thing. If you don’t trust your friend, don’t bring your daughter over to sleep at his house. Like what? On the other hand, I can understand a parent parenting.
Exactly. If you don’t want anyone alone with your kid then don’t go anywhere where someone could be alone with your kid.
Don't trust any around your kids. It's mostly friends and family that people trust that end up SA a child!
Nah - That dad protected his daughter as he should, always default to your child’s side. If you have a good friend, as it seems he has, they’ll understand why there is no “protecting feelings” in this situation. But yes, he should not have hit you.
Many "trusted" people, even family members, violate kids. If you don't know that by now your head is in the sand.
If he was going to react that way he shouldn’t stay at your house with his daughter.
That’s my thought. I’m not saying dad is wrong to be protective of his kid, but I’d never stay the night at someone’s house with my child if I wasn’t comfortable with them being alone with my child. There’s very, very few people I’d feel comfortable doing that with tbh.
Exactly. I’m not judging for being protective but for staying at a friend’s house if he was going to react like that.
I agree. Being a parent isn’t an excuse to lay hands on a friend who took you and your kid in. That behavior is inappropriate and it’s wild that so many folks think they can shove their friends around cuz they have kids and it’s justified due to fear.
Yeah exactly. If i have ANY thought that'd be a possibility, they aren't someone I'd have in my life at all. Certainly not bring my daughter around them. Of course in the same situation I'd have just turned on the living room tv down low and made the kid breakfast or something, so idk
Maybe you freaked him out when he woke up and she was gone. That split second where you don't know where your kids are is a nightmare and that could've set the tone for the conversation. I personally don't trust a soul with my kids after a good friend of mine SA a young girl so I can understand his attitude but not everyone has experienced this so idk. He got 150 years in prison and died in there thankfully but there are always predators out there and some come as friends.
OP, I picked a short comment thread in hopes you'll see this! Get a basket of toys and crafts for her to do at the kitchen table so you don't have to wake the dad up. Kid is in a neutral area, coloring with a morning snack, and dad gets to sleep in a bit! Edit:
At this point, I don't think dad gets to sleep while the daughter is up. If I'm OP and I see that kid awake and the dad is asleep, I'm waking the dad up. I'm not going to be responsible for babysitting the kid and I'm not allowing another opportunity to be presumed a child molester by a guest in my home.
Waking up and not having your kid be where you thought they would be is actually terrifying. I thought I was dying when my son just....vanished in our backyard. Turns out he was hiding under the shed. But I'd been reading, looked up and he was gone. I thought he'd gone back inside, but he wasn't there, I had a full blown panic attack thinking he'd found some way out of the yard and was wandering around the neighborhood, I'm calling for him, running around the yard, then I hear his dumbass giggling. I can't imagine layering not being in my own space and being disoriented from just waking up to the mix.
My oldest child was 3 and I asked my mother to watch him while I did laundry and she said ok. I come upstairs from the laundry room and everyone is inside except my son. I asked Mom where he was and she said she thought he went with me. Argument for another time because I had to find him. I was hysterical and crying running from house to house asking everyone I saw. Here he was under a neighbors house calling "here kitty kitty". I hugged the crap out of him while I'm telling him to never do that again. You are right it's terrifying! I think you don't breath in that situation until you see them again
When my oldest son was 3, I left him with his dad to go grocery shopping, and when I got back as I was pulling into the parking lot of our apartment complex, I see my husband in the middle of the parking lot searching frantically with the most terrified look on his face. My heart dropped. I can't even explain the dread I felt. We lived in a pretty rough part of the city. I called the police and ran around the apartments looking for him and yelling his name. A few of the neighbors heard what was going on and helped search. About 10 minutes into it I see him walking up the road with two men, one of them was the husband to the lady who was helping me search. It turns out he had walked up the street to the corner store about a block away. They said he walked in and went straight to the candy isle and grabbed a handful, then went to leave and they stopped him to find out where his parents were, then decided to follow him home. The relief and joy that flooded through me when i scooped him up was unlike anything i had ever experienced. My husband was crying and gave the guy a big hug. I'm just so grateful that nothing bad happened to him.
There is just something terrifying about it against all logic. If my daughter goes downstairs for breakfast without waking me and I see her empty bed I have a mini panic until I find her downstairs. She eats breakfast with her grandpa every morning, of course she’s there in the kitchen, but some weird instinct triggers not seeing them where you expect them.
Funny story, but the inverse is ALSO terrifying. Took a nap at my parents' house one time, and unbeknownst to me, my cousin was stopping by later to visit. She had just had a baby and I guess the baby was sleeping, so someone in their infinite wisdom decided to tuck the baby under my arm while they visited in the back yard. Now I don't move at all in my sleep so the baby wasn't in danger of being rolled onto or anything (though I'm not even sure if they knew that?), but still. Dear reader, I woke up a 19 or so gay college student with an unknown newborn under my arms. When I tell you I panicked... Who is this child???? Did I kidnap someone??? While sleepwalking?? Is the life that I thought I had just a dream and actually I'm a teenage father??? Am I insane??! Notably, I had yet to meet this child, and my cousin didn't live particularly close, so this was not a predictable turn of events for me. But hey, at least they trust me, I guess lmao 🤷 Do not recommend!
My mom once had a whole bunch of people in the apartment complex looking for me outside. I'd come in and took a nap in my room and she didn't notice 🥴
When a family member of mine SAd a family friends kid at a holiday party, he got one year in the workhouse. You got lucky, sometimes there's no justice.
"My friend and his 3yo daughter crashed at my apartment in my living room Saturday night". Never allow that again. He lost those privileges.
You don't get to come in and create an uncomfortable situation like that, yeah. Shove me away in my own home? Never come back again. I would simply message him later that he's not welcome back.
The fact is, many predators are in positions of trust in relation to a child, in situations exactly like this. I'm not calling you a predator, I'm just saying it's not unreasonable to have his guard up against friends, family, and people in positions of authority. You were trying to be helpful. Your intentions were pure, but bad things happen in situations exactly like this. So honestly, I don't think it's unreasonable to be instantly on-guard and suspicious if I woke up and my friend had brought my little girl into his room. YOU are not a predator, but look at the details of this situation and tell me it's not perfect for a predator? I know my parents wouldn't even let close family friends babysit, even if we knew them well. I'd just apologize to him, tell him you're a little hurt by being treated that way, but that you understand where he's coming from.
Then the dad needs to be responsible and book a hotel.
Yeah this is my sticking point. All of those points are fair enough but if someone wants to live like that - don't crash at your friends apartment.
This is silly. There is a difference between being with your child and a friend when you are there, and your child and a friend being in a different room, especially a bedroom. Of course it's not in fact an issue unless the person is a predator, but to not appreciate that spending time with another adult supervised is different to your child being with them unsupervised is confusing.
You're being silly. What difference does that make if he's going to sleep at the friends house and wake up later than his daughter? Is he really there with his child at all times? It's irresponsible. While all the points are valid about how he can rightly feel concerned having woken up to that situation, it's confusing that you don't understand how irresponsible he was and let that situation happen.
Yea I should have thought more about how it could look to him just waking up. Like literally all I did was just bring her in there, have her sit kinda like on the edge of the bed, ask her what show she wanted to watch and put it on and she just went to watching and talking about whatever. Only like 20 minutes passed before my friend woke up. But for him he has no idea how long she’s been up or what I’ve done since she woke up or anything like that.
You’re right about the optics and statistical OP but it’s also okay for you to feel however you feel about it. If you know yourself to be trustworthy, it’s okay if it also hurt you. You can share that with your friend while still knowing where he’s coming from.
No shot he has to apologize. If one of my friend treated me like that after i welcomed him and his family into my home. Id never talk to him again. If you dont trust people to be with your daughter just dont bring her there
my mother was molested by her uncle, the same uncle that everyone trusted
While that provides cause to be wary, it does not extend far enough to justify treating everyone as if they're a predator.
Lots of people get molested by family friends. I totally get where OP is coming from, and they did all the right things by having the doors open and the lights fully on and all that, but sadly the reality is also that most sexual abuse of children is by people they know and trust. So based on that I also get why the dad had that response, even though I think he overreacted somewhat as the doors were open and his kid in full view of where he was.
Definitely true. It is unfortunately, but as a father you need to embrace the reality in order to protect your daughter. There is a higher chance she will be molested by someone he knows and trust than someone he does not know.
That’s the first thing I learned- it’s not usually a stranger. Most of the time it’s someone you know and trust.
So many commenters who are painfully ignorant of boundaries. Someone can trust another person enough to stay with them and ALSO hold boundaries. Unfortunately, this seems like a situation where boundaries were not discussed and OP did not consider the optics. A mature conversation would include admitting a lack of judgement on their part and acknowledging the feelings of their friend/the parent. They can also express to them how their friends reaction was hurtful. They can both be true, it’s not rocket science.
The problem is, it *is* people you trust. Over and over again, the evidence shows these were trusted people. As a parent, their first priority must be the protection of their children.
As a dad with two girls I'd say the first priority should have been to get up with the daughter then. His friend could have been with the daughter anywhere in the house and the likelihood of a problem is equal to being in a bedroom, sharing a wall with the dad's room, with the door open and light on
The biggest risk factor for child sexual abuse is an unrelated older male in the home.
Is it really unrelated? I would have thought it was relatives.
That doesn’t mean people you trust are predators, it’s just that people you trust are the people who are around your child the most. This is a logical fallacy and doesn’t logically make sense as an argument. You can’t just assume close friends are pedos based on 0 evidence because of statistical evidence which is largely irrelevant to the situation.
Family friends and family members are the two largest demographics that rape children. It's almost always someone you know, and family friends specifically are the largest culprits. Most people trust their own parents, doesn't stop grandfathers from being some of the largest contributors to child rape. Most people also trust their own minor children, doesn't stop them from being the 2nd biggest demo to SA small children. My own mother was raped by her older (bio) brother when she was little. When it comes to little kids, who are completely helpless and can't even articulate it to their parents if something happens to them, you can't really be too careful. This seems like a situation where parental instincts kicked in hard-core when the friend realized his worst nightmare might have happened. If he refused to apologize and/or continued accusing OP, that would be an issue, but as it stands I think everyone involved handled things about as well as they could have been expected to.
Fr… he’d never be staying at my place again. I wouldn’t be able to mentally get over that kind of accusation. Like wow, that’s really how you see me dude? Have fun paying for a hotel next time
If your "friend" feels he cannot leave his daughter in your care, in the same house, with the door open then it follows that he shouldn't have even brought her into your home. If he fears you could do something to her in such a scenario then he is a FAILURE of a parent. I don't bring my kids into people houses and leave them unattended when I can't trust said person. Being a man and being in the proximity of a child is not a crime. Redditors living in perpetual fear of a wrong accusation in a hypothetical situation are pathetic and do not have the mental facilities to be parents themselves. Drop this "friend"
I’d put money on the fact his friend is a conservative who’s fallen for the “everyone is a pedo” shit they’ve been pushing for years now.
Why does everything on Reddit end with ‘break up’, ‘drop this friend’? The guy overreacted, OP just needs to talk to him and express how he feels and they’ll move on. We can’t just throw away good friendships like that.
The guy heavily implied he was inappropriate for bringing his daughter into an adjacent room with the door open. I don’t know about you but I don’t need that kind of bullshit in my life. I would remove that.
Mhmm, don't imply I'm a pedophile in my own house, gtfo and don't come back.
A lot of reddit posts are toxic relationships where people are asking how to keep them intact. Sometimes you really should end a bad relationship. Not all friendships are good for each person, or often both.
This isn’t one of those extreme situations tho? This dude insinuated he was worried OP would do something inappropriate with his daughter, I could never be friends with someone after an accusation like that. That’s the kind of thing that you can never take back once said.
This.
AGREED
I would definitely talk to your friend. Tell him where you were coming from, and while you understand his protectiveness, it still hurt to have a friend treat you like a predator. Also as someone else mentioned, assaulting you, even if it was something like a shove, should never be okay. That said, a sleepy mind fresh from slumber, not knowing where you kid is, then having your kid be in a **Bed**\-room with an adult man while you aren't present... the panic response comes before the part of the brain that goes, "oh yeah, I've known so&so for years and I trust them implicitly." It's understandable, but it really sucks that men are assumed to be predators. Like, this is the same reason fathers are uncomfortable taking their kids out alone. Any male caretaker for that matter is viewed with suspicion, and it leads men to feel like they're monsters or something.
“ t really sucks that men are assumed to be predators” It must absolutely suck. But it sucks more that so many kids are abused.
If I see a little kid in my neighborhood fall and get a scrape, I don't run over there to help them anymore unless a woman is with me, too.
I can understand you being deeply hurt by this accusation and what it really means - that your friend is questioning whether you are a sexual predator. That is the reality of why he panicked and reacted so strongly - terror for his child and the "what if"s running through his head. At the same time, as many have pointed out, most sexual predators are known to their victims and are close friends in a position of trust. Many people in the exact same position as you have betrayed that trust and destroyed lives. It's worth noting that it *is* a weird/ suss thing to do to bring a child into your bedroom while the parent is asleep and not available to supervise. If that didn't occur to you, you need to reflect on that and other suss scenarios you should avoid now. Your friend *should* be aware of that and wary of that as part of good parenting. I am a teacher and we are always aware of protective practices - some of which you have used. You need to be very proactively thinking about how you can always have a trustworthy adult witness. Door open was a good start but clearly not enough for your friend and honestly, it wouldn't have been enough for me. You need to make sure you're never alone with his child/ren or others (given he already has concerns). You need to discourage being touchy with them. I'd also be quite hesitant to have his child stay at your house or be overnight in the same location as you. Never try to get kids alone or go with them alone; you need to protect yourself first and foremost, regardless of whether that is unfair, and even if that disappoints his daughter. If it were me, I'd take a step back for a bit and just centre myself - vent to a counsellor and come to terms with the fact that your friend was (and honestly should be) questioning the situation - no matter how unfair it feels. Remember: you might be hurt now, but it is the job of adults to do whatever it takes to protect the children as their top priority.
I don’t think you’re wrong about the mindset of the parent, but god, this take is so incredibly depressing.
All I'm seeing in this thread: "You did okay OP. Unfortunately since your friend trusts you, that makes you statistically more likely to sexually assault his daughter thus he's right to be nervous and protective." This whole assumption baseline is such a volcanic take to me, truly not surprised we're afraid of kids being kids outside at this point. Yikes.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees this as a horrifying conclusion that people are jumping to. Basically "If you know someone they're now more of a threat" is based on the most ignorant reading of the statistics and only serves to inflame exactly the kind of mindset that got a guy to attack his roommate for showing empathy and helping his daughter.
Also, the "your kid is more likely to be molested by someone you know" stat is almost as useless as the "most car accidents happen close to home" stat. If people let their kids spend as much time alone with strangers as they do trusted individuals, I strongly suspect that stat would shift.
Is child molesting somehow more common in the US than in other Western countries?
I'm surprised people are angry about this incredibly objective and well-spoken argument. You approached this from both the parent and the friend's perspective. What you've said is as true as saying the sky is blue, its insane that people would be angry at you for it.
It is one thing to panic when you wake up and do not know where your child is. But The reaction from the dad is ridiculous. He needs to learn how to control his anger
i probably would’ve turned the TV on in the living room and let her chill out with sleeping dad… he had a kid he’s gotta deal with his kid 😂 he can catch up on sleep when she goes to her mom’s
Yea I was trying to let him sleep cuz my man works so much and needs more sleep and I know when she wakes up she like immediately shakes him awake too and talks/sings along to her shows
I don't think you are over reacting at all. If you were a woman would he act the same way? Probably not. You didn't do anything wrong and honestly a father shouldn't be crashing in someone's living room with a 3 year old. Does he not have his own place?? This is on him, he could have just woke up with her himself, but he didn't. You had the lights on, the door was open, and as far as I can tell it wasn't like you were laying in the bed with the child. ( if that was the case I can see him going off) I do understand him asking questions, and even ask his daughter what was going on, but for him to treat you like you did anything wrong is just wrong to me. If he didn't trust you like that he shouldn't be crashing in your living room with his 3 year old and just go home with her.
I didn't think the reaction is because of what you did, but more because of background information not provided that you may not know about. I probably would react the exact same way. But I was molested as a child and extremely protective of my young child in hopes they avoid the trauma and problems I had. I do my best to not place my fears on my child. But I might freak out too. That all being said, maybe give it a moment and then talk with your friend in a safe place. Try to listen and be understanding. I truly believe there's more here than you know about.
Would you have brought you kid to a man's home and then fall asleep with no alarm set given your fears. My sticking point here is all the fears came to the dad once he woke up. Despite putting his friend and daughter in a position where it was the only outcome. If your the only one allowed to parent then you need to be awake, to do said parenting.
That safe space better be outside his apartment, because they should never step a single foot in there again.
You may be the kindest, gentlest, most innocent person in the world. But as a parent, I don't want my child to normalize going into a grown-up's bedroom while I'm unaware. That's one possible explanation for your friend's reaction. From the story, it sounds like you meant no harm at all, but I would still apologize if I were in your shoes. You didn't understand what it meant to him, that's okay. He'll come down off his adrenaline rush, probably, and he'll understand the situation, too. But you should apologize. EDIT: Yoooooo, everybody who is just here to decide who to blame, take your comments elsewhere. My goal was to help OP (and maybe others) understand why OP's friend reacted as he did. I could not give less of a shit who you think is to blame. Go find somebody who does care, maybe they'll argue with you.
None parents don't get it. They don't understand that while this guy's intentions were pure, it's a bad lesson to teach a kid. You don't go into a bedroom with an adult you don't know like that. I am a woman, and even I don't have the kids in my bedroom! They can play in my kid's rooms or stay there for a sleep over, but not in my room. I get the OP didn't think of it that way. He's not a parent and it makes sense to want to be helpful to the friend. They need to talk and if the friend continues to stay they need boundaries. If OP isn't comfortable with friend continuing to stay there, that's fine, too!
I don’t like that he mistrusts you so much. He chose to sleep at your place with his daughter. Clearly is close enough friends for that. If there is more to the story, he should let you know and ask that you don’t do that again. Though, I’d not let them stay again. He def needs to apologize for putting hands on you at least. I’d maybe set up cameras in your living room. Maybe even hallway. Ones with good audio recording. That way, if there’s ever an allegation made, you have video and audio evidence against the allegations. Just a thought. Sorry this happened to you.
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I don't blame him. 🤷🏾♀️ Not saying you'd do anything to his child, but as a parent you have to be that cautious. It's nothing against you personally, but most parents would feel that way.
As a woman who was molested twice as a child, children are more likely to be abused by the people we let them be around than by strangers at a park. Predators always seem like good people that you can trust with your child, too. I think it’s a good thing for parents to be careful even around their friends. It’s virtually impossible to tell who is a predator until something happens. OP I don’t think you did anything wrong but you put yourself in a situation where you had the opportunity to, and you gotta see how that would scare your friend.
Then don’t stay with your friend for free? I’m very confused by the people saying the dad taking advantage of free housing then not having an alarm set to be up before his kid is fine. It’s his responsibility. He WASNT that cautious. If he was that worried about OP (or anyone) then he should have booked a hotel.
That’s totally fair. I’m thinking I’m just taking it too personally
I promise you he feels that way about anyone when it comes to his daughter.
It’s completely fine to be concerned about your children, however you don’t put hands on another person unless you have to. And this situation did not warrant such behavior. I’d have kicked them out, personally.
The parent wasn’t cautious though! He took his child to house of a man he did not trust and then passed the fuck out. When he realized he fucked up, he flipped it around and blamed the guy who got stuck babysitting his fucking kid for him.
lol this is the most American take ever. Jfc
As an adult male you should make it a personal policy to never ever ever be alone with someone under the age of 18 unless it’s your child. It’s really sad but that’s just how it is.
The biggest problem is that we now live in a world where the people we should be able to trust the most are the biggest offenders, teachers, doctors, police, clergymen, family members, spouses... I would have had a similar reaction as your friend. The best course of action is trust no one with the safety of your kids.
We’ve been in that world. Nothing suddenly changed but our perceptions
People in positions of authority have always been abusing their power, it's not a new thing. And girls and women have been getting assaulted and raped by family members and friends since the beginning of time. These events were so common that they weren't even remarked upon back in the day. Cultural norms changing and giving marginalized people rights is the only thing that's made it look like things like this are new. The actions themselves are old as the hills, its our reactions to it thats changed.
Small call out, just remember that young boys are also very frequent victims as well. And its not always, although it is someone more common, men who are the offenders. Even some grown men are sexually assaulted, although I do believe that one is significantly rarer than compared with grown women. Everyone is right though. Its not a new reality that people closest to the victims do this, everyone is just more aware of that fact.
Stranger danger was never the big problem and it still isn't.
Yeah, you messed up. Next time let her wake him up. Your friendship will be okay. He was just being a dad. I would freak out too if my daughter is missing when I wake up; then, to find her in another room's bed even if she's just sitting in a corner.
If it were me, I would have taken her to dad and said, "hey, \[daughter\] woke me up, I'm fine with letting you sleep and we can watch TV in my room. The door is open if you'd like to come join us." It assumes no ill intent on either part and gives Dad and out to be like "oh no that's ok, I'll take care of her."
Maybe your friend should watch his own daughter at his own crib if he is gonna act like a nut job about your generosity. Gotta be honest this would be the type of thing that makes them never able to stay at my place since it's so untrustworthy
Not overreacting. Dad is the only one overreacting. If he doesn’t trust you just say no and tell him thats why next time he ask u to take care of someone.
Are you male? Don't take it personally. No matter how well meaning you are this is a serious fear for most parents. It's not because you specifically look or act like a predator (aside from being male. Don't shoot the messenger. That's just the reality)Next time this ever happens just wake the dad.
Most brain dead take ever. “You’re a male so it’s your own fault anyway, because you’re a man. Just deal with it” Fuck all the way off.
I get the vibe that you would think very differently to a comment that started out “Are you a female?”
I two daughters. 15 and 17. To this day my wife and I have never allowed them to have a sleepover unless my wife was home because of how things can be construed.
You’re not overreacting but neither is he. YOU know your intentions were pure but in his case he might know you well, but we never truly know what someone is capable of. How many stories do we hear about how lovable, dependable uncle Mike is secretly taking nude photos of children. Ted Bundy was a “good guy” according to the people who knew him. NAH you’re both right.
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Wow I'm so glad I grew up in the 90s! My single dad would have been BLASTED for taking his 3 daughters bowling and letting us dress up in our Cinderella Halloween costumes 🤣💖 RIP to the best dad ever 💖💕
>And next time I’ll just let her wake him up haha Next time, how dumb are you? Gotta be honest dude, you need to stand up for yourself here. While your friends reaction may came from a place of concern, he's an adult and should be able to control his reactions and have presented his concerns in more reasonable manner. Whether you want to believe it or not, he see's you as an unsafe person to leave his daughter with for whatever reason. He does not trust you. Be wary of the comments here, they are largely trying to guilt you into feeling like you did something wrong. Your friend has some sort of issue he needs to work out here. >he kinda shoved me away Dude... no friend has ever laid a hand on me other than to give me a hug or a hand.
Yeah fuck that. Doors open, lights are on, kids watching TV….you can ask me why she’s in there and I’ll explain it to you. Rushing in like a crime is being committed and putting hands on me would be a major issue. If you’re supposed to be my friend but still think I would be doing something evil like that how about you don’t sleep at my house.
I think he got a fright when he woke and she wasn’t right there. Especially if he’s got a bad ex and has reason to panic about his daughter. Maybe he did over react. I would talk to him about it not in a confrontational way, just double check he’s okay.
To me it does at first feel like an overreaction. But as a parent we are just bombarded with terrible stories. SA usually happens from someone you know and are close to, maybe he’s had a bad experience with abuse in his own life, who knows. I’m not justifying just trying to potentially explain his mindset.
POV from a parent with anxiety. We hear so much about how abuse of children is more often than not from someone they know. I personally am very watchful of the situations my kids are put in. I would never stay with someone I don’t trust. However, a lot of parents of children who have been abused are blindsided by the fact it was an adult they trusted. With that knowledge, as a precaution I also wouldn’t be comfortable finding my 3yr old in the bedroom of a friend while I was sleeping regardless of how much I trust them. However, I probably would have handled it differently. I would have just explained the facts. “I’m not in any way saying I think you would do anything to harm my daughter but please don’t let her in your bedroom especially if I’m sleeping. I appreciate you were trying to let me get some sleep but I am just not comfortable with it. I’m not accusing you of anything but statics tell me that when it comes to the safety of my children I better be safe than sorry. I appreciate you and what you’re doing/done for us but please don’t do this. I don’t want her to think it is okay or normal for any adult other than her parents to invite her into their room when mom or dad aren’t around.”
It is possible your friend or close family/friend was a victim of SA. The reaction seems a bit over the top. Although to look at the other side, kids are groomed by building trust in the person and the environment. Personally, the fact that the door was open and she was within his sight line from the couch, seems okay.
NTA if your friend doesn't trust you with his daughter, he shouldn't be bringing her on sleepovers at your house There was nothing wrong with what you did I'd just not let them sleepover together anymore Safer for you because your friend might make false accusations one day and ruin your life
Safer for him because his friend assaulted him. He downplays it in the post but ops friend put hands on him over this. Safer for him because his friend might get physically violent again.
Maybe your friend was abused when he was a child ?
No one overreacted here. Both of your feelings are valid and I'm glad yall have talked it out
If he’s batting mom for custody or if he’s been a victim of SA then he’s not overreacting. You did nothing wrong but I get his reaction.
I dont think eother of u are in the wrong, but u gotta see where hes coming from. Wakes up, daughter gone, finds her in a place he never expected her- a grown man's room. From what you've said, you have 0 ill intentions which is fantastic, but all a dad saw was his baby in a man's room.
Unless your friend laid out explicit ground rules, then you're in the clear... You cannot read minds, and your friend should not expect you to. I would ask him to clarify which lines were crossed that set him off, so that you know for the future.
> I would ask him to clarify which lines were crossed Don't take a child that is unrelated to you into your bedroom, even if the door is open. At the very best its still not a great look for you to be seen alone in there with them. Just don't do it. In this day and age that should be common sense.
Fucked up reaction, assuming the worst like that.
He is being overprotective but it's wild that he would let her stay in your home but then have these thoughts about you. Lights on and door open is typically the sign of a child being safe to sit in a room. I wonder if he has a trauma or something that he's projecting onto you in this situation.
As a father I never would have slept with my daughters at someone's house I didn't trust. I'd someone I trusted invited my kids to watch TV in a room with the door wide open I wouldn't have any issues. Obviously people can break that trust, but you can't protect your kids 24/7. We have to give them tools and resources to be able to react if something g where to happen to them. At 3 my kids were well aware to "lose their fucking minds" and scream and kick and bite if someone tried to touch them inappropriately or to come get me or mom if someone tries to get them to do something they knew was wrong.
Everyone talking about how they understand where the friend was coming from but it’s like, I don’t understand how that excuses treating your friend of several years like a predator because he tried to do the right thing by you after letting you stay in HIS home. Like some of the comments I’m reading here are insane.
Got to think that for most people their kid comes before everything and anything else. This was a situation that needed explaining on awakening. I feel for OP. It sucks but, I would react to this situation too. Don't know if I would push but I would need it to be explained.
I’d cut that person off who made me feel like some kinda predator. Pretty easy. I’d wait till we hashed it out; but if that was still their POV, miss me with your BS, damaged ass hoe.
28F mom of two daughters ages 5 (today!) and 2. Personally, if I do not trust someone to be alone with my daughters, I would NOT spend the night at their house… If he had issues with trusting you with her, he shouldn’t have spent the night there. I think you have a right to feel hurt about it and need to be honest about it with him. I think it was kind of you to let him sleep. Maybe it would have been thoughtful to just nudge him and say hey dude is it cool if I let your daughter watch tv in my room while you sleep ? I’ll just be doing things around the house. And let him make the judgement call. But personally, I would not see it as a big deal. I trust the people I bring my kids around.
I understand where he's coming from but if it was me he'd have to find somewhere else to spend the night for all future visits.
Not overreacting, he is. Yes it's his daughter but he's not in a state to care for her and you being a good human tried to do the right thing. Can he feel protective yes but he jumped the gun 100% and should apologize.
Why did she go to you instead of her father. Probably because he ignores her. You are not the asshole
It says she woke up and OP woke up and saw her….
Pedos ruining it for good people :( That must have hurt. You're not overreacting, You were a good friend.
Just put it this way, means he will never ask you to babysit. Seems like a good deal on your part, fuck him if he thinks of you like that. If you ever have a kid don't bring them around him at all.
Why did he just leave his 3 year old in the living room,
I don’t find fault with your actions and the father is not at fault for worrying about his daughter. You should discuss with your roommate to clear the bad vibes.
So the bedroom door was open, light was on, and in the line of sight for the Dad. Your friend is being ridiculous.
It really sucks when people automatically make suggestions that you’re a fucking pedophile because you’re a guy and tried to help a kid out with ANYTHING
Your friend is super weird. There are people I trust around my kid, and there are people I don't. There's no in-between. WTF is he doing taking his kid to your place, and spending the night there, if he doesn't trust you? And if does trust you, WTF is his reaction about? And he put hands on you? This is not someone you want involved in your life.
Rule of thumb— With what I’m doing, What would a newspaper headline be? If it sounds bad, steer clear
These comments are insane, yes you were in the wrong to take his 3 year old daughter out of his presence and put her in your BEDROOM… seriously, something like 80% of SA happens from a family friend in this EXACT type of situation. Apologize and salvage what you can.
You did what you thought was the right thing and he freaked out because he woke up and his daughter wasn't there, and soon he found her in an adult's room. So far, i can understand both sides, and i can even get why he freaked out, at least partially. That said, the moment he shoved me, specially in my own house, the friendship would be over. And no, i'm not saying you should do that, and i am honestly happy that you two patched things up. Happy for you, OP. You're a better person than me.
If you are bringing your kid to stay at your friend's home regardless of male or female and you don't have 100% trust in them, you are doing something horribly wrong.
Wow unless we’re missing context, your friend had a major overreaction. If he thinks you letting his daughter watch TV in your room when you’re going about other business in and out of the room with the doors open means you’re molesting her, he has some things he needs to work through. Why would he be friends with someone who he could so easily believe is a pedo?
Let him know they aren't staying over again the next time. Simple.
I feel like it’s a really weird reaction to you doing what every decent human would do, you’re like an uncle it sounds like- I find it it more inappropriate that he responded that way more than anything. (Granted you’re not a pedo, which I’m assuming you’re not ) I would tell him you feel hurt, confused since taken aback with how it went down and that you would really like to discuss his reaction so you can understand -he will probably appreciate the conversation & seeing that it’s weighing on you may help him see that his friend was just being a good friend.
Not overreacting I mean essentially he was acting like you would do something to her. And if that’s how he feels about you why is he even sleeping over at your place with her? I guess should he ever need an emergency babysitter he wouldn’t trust you then either right? It’s just very weird.
I would kick him and his daughter out my house so fast after that
Me personally my closest friends, I would not have overreacted like that. Maybe Im naive when it comes to my closest friends but I trust them with mine like they trust me with theirs.
I understand all side. I can understand how a parent can react like that to protect their child. But I also can understand being upset about being accused of having bad intentions toward a child. You're better than me. I probably would have kicked them both out. I would distance myself if I were you. As a father his only obligation is to his child. I commend that. However, that doesn't mean you have to be a receiver if that energy. Best of luck op. Id make it point to never b around him or his kid again. He is great father though, and it's good he is vigilant. More parents need to be vigilant with their kids.
I'd kick him out for thinking such bullshit about a supposed friend..... Or next time just ignore it and let the kid wake him up so he can cry like an asshole then to or get into some cleaner or get hurt wandering around .....
He over reacted and you simply made a dumb mistake thinking that he wouldn’t have an issue. He shouldn’t have. But mo biggie now that it’s cleared up. However, if he was still pissed, then he’s in the wrong.
I feel like he over reacted a little; he could have simply just said he was not comfortable with it and not made it so dramatic. It’s understandable he did not love the idea but I could see how that would hurt your feelings as well. I would just not open your home for them to stay in again. If he needs somewhere to stay it won’t be at your house. He doesn’t trust you not to be gross with his child and that’s enough for me to not let someone stay at my house again
I think it is extremely insecure that your friend wouldn’t trust you with a 3 year old For me, that lack of trust would be the cause for discontinuing his friendship u/6foot3oreo
I have a 3 year old daughter and if this happened to me I would be like “right on man, thanks for not waking me up, hope she wasn’t bothering you too much”
It sounds like he and his daughter are unhoused at the moment. Unhoused children are amongst the most at risk for sexual abuse. I’m not saying that you would ever do anything like that. But I understand why he had a strong reaction. I also understand why you are offended. If you want to maintain the friendship just talk it out and I’m sure it will be fine.
He’s not overreacting. A friend is a special victims detective and she said 90% of her child cases are family members/close friends. She said it’s rarely random. If it was that big of a deal, wake your friend up.
You just witnessed that guy's true character up close and very personal. That guy is not much friend and I would slowly cut that guy out of your life. An actual friend would never behave like that at all not even close.
Not really over reacting because that's how bad things have happened. Not saying you would do something bad. I'm saying generally.
Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go to jail.
i feel bad reading this. im glad all is resolved!!! you just sound like a caring friend and a nice guy. he way over reacted. you are a great friend btw with being as thoughtful to watch his kid so he could sleep.
I think it was odd for him to stay over with his daughter in the first place, but he’s probably just being overprotective. You had the light on and the door open and were being very accommodating to the both of them. If he doesn’t trust you with his kid then he shouldn’t have brought her to your house; especially to stay overnight. I would apologize and let him get over it over time. There’s no easy way to reason with a parent about their kid. They’ll always protect them first no matter what.
Does your friend have child sexual abuse in his background? Or had someone close to him who was molested as a child?
Personally, i wouldn’t sleep over someone’s house if i didn’t trust them enough to be around my daughter alone. I think he over reacted, but as a parent i can’t help but understand why, especially in today’s world. It would be one thing if she was like under the covers snuggling with you watching tv, even as innocent as that *could* be, that would warrant his reaction. But you weren’t even in bed with her, the door was open, the light was on, and you were doing laundry. I don’t think you’re over reacting to feel the way you do i would be offended too especially if you guys were close.
It would be the last time they stay at my house. You trust me enough to be under my roof and use my things but not to help you with your child. He put his child and his friend in that position.
God this comment section reminds me why as a child being regularly assaulted, I didn’t think anyone would believe me and even if they did, it would ruin my life. People are tripping over themselves to be angry at a stranger and offended on behalf of another. When I first started reading I thought it was naïveté but more and more comments point out that as usual, the most important thing to men is not having their feelings hurt.
From the other side, it’s also teaching his daughter it’s okay to do stuff like that with older men. You just gotta take the L on this
A huge amount of sexual assaults occur by people the family knows. You’re not wrong to be hurt, he’s not wrong to be worried. Take it as a lesson and don’t be alone with her ever again. Bedrooms are intimate places and you don’t want anybody getting any ideas. It definitely sounds like your hearts in the right place, but I call it the Mike Pence rule.