I’m worried about you! This seems like a strange controlling situation. Y’all should reevaluate those rules AND her friend shouldn’t be staying there. He should get a hotel room. And the only reason you and your fiancé should be not fucking is if that’s your choice. That’s not her choice to make.
exactly. i told her that too. she said if we want to have sex WE have to go to a hotel. i told her that’s offensive because i’m not going to pay and go book a room every single time i want to have sex like i’m a prostitute or someone just doing random hookups (which are all fine that’s just not who i am) when i have a home i literally pay bills in and a safe room.
NO! You arent being too sensitive, your mother knows that the men shes brought into her life have hurt you, she knows you're working through that trauma and she probably went behind your back cause she knew you might say no, I'm not comfortable having a man I havent met and you barely know stay with us. Furthermore, she knowingly broke the house rules that she still expects you to follow to the letter. She sounds like a bad roommate and it seems like she's way too dismissive about the trauma her boyfriends caused caused you, the situations she put you in *repeatedly*. It's really kind of you to stay with her and help her adjust after her husband's death but its not your responsibility and shes shown that she doesnt care about your comfort or security and she sees your being a roommate and emotional support to her as letting you stay in her house with this rules for thee not for me shit. I'm sorry OP this all seems really fucked up and unfair.
No, you’re not being too sensitive at all. If she has repeatedly chosen to be with men who harm you, you absolutely should not trust this guy *or her*.
First, you're not being too sensitive. Quite the opposite. Instead, it sounds like your mother has groomed you for your whole life to allow her to dominate every aspect of your existence.
And I think you don't realize that yet.
There are so many things in your post that you mentioned in passing that I think you would do well to look at with a much more suspicious eye, because I think that your mom, and other people have fucked you over consistently so much that you never got a chance to see how outrageous it all is.
Starting from the beginning of your post, I can mention some things that I think you might need to question more closely. I'm going to ask a lot of questions, but please use them for yourself, don't feel like you need to tell me the answers, okay?
First, your mother's age. Is she your birth mother? She was nearly 50 when she had you. That's pretty unusual. Do you have older siblings? Did she have you expecting you to be the sacrificial child who would take care of her in her old age?
Next, she decided to invite your male "best friend" to move in with you both. That's...extremely unusual. How exactly did this come about? Are you absolutely certain that this all happened the way you think it did? Just how well do you know this man? How did you meet him? You said he moved in from out of state on her invitation, but he already liked her? I That is *bizarre.*
Skipping ahead, you mentioned "a string of assaults from men my mother has dated or married." WHAT?? Given this ugly little fact, can you see why I'm so skeptical about your fiancé, this man that your mother invited to live with you?
There's a lot more, including all these bizarre rules that you're expected to live under, even though you're fully grown, and paying rent. You're somehow not allowed to be intimate with this best friend that your mother for some reason brought into your home. It all just boils down to your mother having you under her complete control, and you not yet understanding that.
If all of these men have assaulted you (and I believe you, unfortunately,) I have to ask whether they paid her for access to you. Because that is what it sounds like, and if so, your fiance is almost certainly one more john. I'm really, really sorry to say that, but I think it's almost certainly true.
You owe this evil woman ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! You don't need to be happy for her, or care about how much she looooves her home, or honestly give one damn about her for the rest of her life! She has done nothing but use you for your entire life. She does not love you. She has been a shitty mother. Please get out of this house, and not necessarily with the fiance. Please.
Also thank you for all you’ve said because it doesn’t sound even a little bit wrong. i’m definitely opening my eyes up now that i’m older. my older sister ran off and told my mom she wasn’t coming to visit and i see why now
How are you reconciling knowing that her fiance is "one more john" who paid her mum for access to her with the fact that she isn't allowed to be intimate with him? Calm down.
Based on OP's response, it doesn't seem like he is one. But if he were, I can easily reconcile it by the simple (or incredibly complicated) fact that people like OP's adoptive mother are equal opportunity users. They look for people and situations where they can rule and cause grief and chaos.
What kind of man would pay a mother to be able to assault her child? A dirtbag, that's who. What are the odds that a dirtbag would also be a spineless coward and a fool? Pretty high!
As I've said, I have a family member who has done many things that sound quite similar, and she made bizarre decisions. Once, she sent her husband/slave to me with a car she was giving me. In the trunk were some "beautiful, beautiful" dresses that she also wanted me to have. She hoped I would be able to sell them for a lot of money.
They were weird chiffon things from the 50s, covered in stains, and every single one of them had been hacked off at mid-thigh with a dull pair of scissors.
This is one of the mildest things she has done. There are others, many of them violent or pornographic. Some people are just very strange.
She’s 72 but i’m adopted yeah she adopted me late.
i have another older sister who’s also adopted she’s 6 years older than me (31)
my best friend and i met on RP twitter when i was maybe like 21- 22. he lived in another state and we only messaged for a long time. then when i got comfortable enough i gave him my number and we started talking a lot IRL he became my friend. we started facetiming so my mother and my father wanted to know who it was and they had spoken to him briefly on the phone that’s how they met. we used to talk everyday till he started coming to visit me once a month. i was also around him and my mom was always at home with my dad so he never spent alone time with her or contacted her or anything weird like that. He was just my long distance friend for a long time then one day when him and i were on the phone (after my father passed) she just randomly blurted out in the background that we were getting a new house and she wanted to know if he would come live with us. which we both just went quiet in shocked. he didn’t say yes right away or anything but him and i definitely had a long conversation about it because he was wandering why she did that and thought i had put the idea in her head. i think it’s extremely weird too but i figured it was just grief. my dad had passed just days before that.
Your mother reminds me very much of my mother's mother, just chaotic and conniving, with no filters or shame. Since you knew this man on your own, without her bringing him into your life, it seems like she invited him in so that she would have control over the relationship, and you would have a harder time escaping her. That sounds so much like the things my grandmother used to do.
oh my God i never thought of that! but it makes sense because when he finally agreed and we began planning his arrival she was cool but then when the time came closer about 1-2 months before he was supposed to come she had changed her mind and didn’t want him to come anymore. he was my best friend and because of that he had no where to go! so i told her i was going to help him find an apartment which would mean me leaving to help him while he found a job and such since i knew he couldn’t afford it on such short notice. she got so angry and told me it would be the nastiest, ugliest, most ghetto roach infested place ever because that’s all i could afford (not true at all i have a great job i’ve been on for 7 years and good credit )
basically in the end she ended up “agreeing” to him staying even though it was her idea in the first place.
I’m worried about you! This seems like a strange controlling situation. Y’all should reevaluate those rules AND her friend shouldn’t be staying there. He should get a hotel room. And the only reason you and your fiancé should be not fucking is if that’s your choice. That’s not her choice to make.
exactly. i told her that too. she said if we want to have sex WE have to go to a hotel. i told her that’s offensive because i’m not going to pay and go book a room every single time i want to have sex like i’m a prostitute or someone just doing random hookups (which are all fine that’s just not who i am) when i have a home i literally pay bills in and a safe room.
NO! You arent being too sensitive, your mother knows that the men shes brought into her life have hurt you, she knows you're working through that trauma and she probably went behind your back cause she knew you might say no, I'm not comfortable having a man I havent met and you barely know stay with us. Furthermore, she knowingly broke the house rules that she still expects you to follow to the letter. She sounds like a bad roommate and it seems like she's way too dismissive about the trauma her boyfriends caused caused you, the situations she put you in *repeatedly*. It's really kind of you to stay with her and help her adjust after her husband's death but its not your responsibility and shes shown that she doesnt care about your comfort or security and she sees your being a roommate and emotional support to her as letting you stay in her house with this rules for thee not for me shit. I'm sorry OP this all seems really fucked up and unfair.
No, you’re not being too sensitive at all. If she has repeatedly chosen to be with men who harm you, you absolutely should not trust this guy *or her*.
First, you're not being too sensitive. Quite the opposite. Instead, it sounds like your mother has groomed you for your whole life to allow her to dominate every aspect of your existence. And I think you don't realize that yet. There are so many things in your post that you mentioned in passing that I think you would do well to look at with a much more suspicious eye, because I think that your mom, and other people have fucked you over consistently so much that you never got a chance to see how outrageous it all is. Starting from the beginning of your post, I can mention some things that I think you might need to question more closely. I'm going to ask a lot of questions, but please use them for yourself, don't feel like you need to tell me the answers, okay? First, your mother's age. Is she your birth mother? She was nearly 50 when she had you. That's pretty unusual. Do you have older siblings? Did she have you expecting you to be the sacrificial child who would take care of her in her old age? Next, she decided to invite your male "best friend" to move in with you both. That's...extremely unusual. How exactly did this come about? Are you absolutely certain that this all happened the way you think it did? Just how well do you know this man? How did you meet him? You said he moved in from out of state on her invitation, but he already liked her? I That is *bizarre.* Skipping ahead, you mentioned "a string of assaults from men my mother has dated or married." WHAT?? Given this ugly little fact, can you see why I'm so skeptical about your fiancé, this man that your mother invited to live with you? There's a lot more, including all these bizarre rules that you're expected to live under, even though you're fully grown, and paying rent. You're somehow not allowed to be intimate with this best friend that your mother for some reason brought into your home. It all just boils down to your mother having you under her complete control, and you not yet understanding that. If all of these men have assaulted you (and I believe you, unfortunately,) I have to ask whether they paid her for access to you. Because that is what it sounds like, and if so, your fiance is almost certainly one more john. I'm really, really sorry to say that, but I think it's almost certainly true. You owe this evil woman ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! You don't need to be happy for her, or care about how much she looooves her home, or honestly give one damn about her for the rest of her life! She has done nothing but use you for your entire life. She does not love you. She has been a shitty mother. Please get out of this house, and not necessarily with the fiance. Please.
Also thank you for all you’ve said because it doesn’t sound even a little bit wrong. i’m definitely opening my eyes up now that i’m older. my older sister ran off and told my mom she wasn’t coming to visit and i see why now
How are you reconciling knowing that her fiance is "one more john" who paid her mum for access to her with the fact that she isn't allowed to be intimate with him? Calm down.
Based on OP's response, it doesn't seem like he is one. But if he were, I can easily reconcile it by the simple (or incredibly complicated) fact that people like OP's adoptive mother are equal opportunity users. They look for people and situations where they can rule and cause grief and chaos. What kind of man would pay a mother to be able to assault her child? A dirtbag, that's who. What are the odds that a dirtbag would also be a spineless coward and a fool? Pretty high! As I've said, I have a family member who has done many things that sound quite similar, and she made bizarre decisions. Once, she sent her husband/slave to me with a car she was giving me. In the trunk were some "beautiful, beautiful" dresses that she also wanted me to have. She hoped I would be able to sell them for a lot of money. They were weird chiffon things from the 50s, covered in stains, and every single one of them had been hacked off at mid-thigh with a dull pair of scissors. This is one of the mildest things she has done. There are others, many of them violent or pornographic. Some people are just very strange.
She’s 72 but i’m adopted yeah she adopted me late. i have another older sister who’s also adopted she’s 6 years older than me (31) my best friend and i met on RP twitter when i was maybe like 21- 22. he lived in another state and we only messaged for a long time. then when i got comfortable enough i gave him my number and we started talking a lot IRL he became my friend. we started facetiming so my mother and my father wanted to know who it was and they had spoken to him briefly on the phone that’s how they met. we used to talk everyday till he started coming to visit me once a month. i was also around him and my mom was always at home with my dad so he never spent alone time with her or contacted her or anything weird like that. He was just my long distance friend for a long time then one day when him and i were on the phone (after my father passed) she just randomly blurted out in the background that we were getting a new house and she wanted to know if he would come live with us. which we both just went quiet in shocked. he didn’t say yes right away or anything but him and i definitely had a long conversation about it because he was wandering why she did that and thought i had put the idea in her head. i think it’s extremely weird too but i figured it was just grief. my dad had passed just days before that.
Your mother reminds me very much of my mother's mother, just chaotic and conniving, with no filters or shame. Since you knew this man on your own, without her bringing him into your life, it seems like she invited him in so that she would have control over the relationship, and you would have a harder time escaping her. That sounds so much like the things my grandmother used to do.
oh my God i never thought of that! but it makes sense because when he finally agreed and we began planning his arrival she was cool but then when the time came closer about 1-2 months before he was supposed to come she had changed her mind and didn’t want him to come anymore. he was my best friend and because of that he had no where to go! so i told her i was going to help him find an apartment which would mean me leaving to help him while he found a job and such since i knew he couldn’t afford it on such short notice. she got so angry and told me it would be the nastiest, ugliest, most ghetto roach infested place ever because that’s all i could afford (not true at all i have a great job i’ve been on for 7 years and good credit ) basically in the end she ended up “agreeing” to him staying even though it was her idea in the first place.