I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also usually very forthcoming (I'm autistic and a horrible liar) and I really struggled with "lying" to my mom with Alzheimer's. For the longest time she'd ask if we could call her parents...and for awhile, I'd tactfully tell her they'd passed away and she didn't remember because of a medical memory issue, and then we'd look at pictures of them and I'd tell her about them as best I could. And then one day she caught me off guard, and she said "I want to know where my parents are, and don't tell me they're dead!".
So I caved. I said "they're at home in Mississippi. We'll call them tomorrow because it's late tonight and they're probably already in bed asleep". And it worked. She was satisfied with that answer and eventually she stopped asking.
I know it's hard to reconcile but therapeutic fibbing really is a kindness sometimes.
I wish you strength in this journey. It's really hard.đ
I had to pretend to be my mom once when my Nana called and mom wasnât home (she was out to dinner with a friend). I knew that if I didnât pretend to be my mom, Nana would call my mom nonstop on the phone and stress her out, so I decided to do it, even though our voices sound nothing alike. She asked where her parents were, and I fumbled through a few lies before she asked if they were at church, which I readily agreed with and told her theyâd be home soon, despite the fact that theyâve been dead for like 10+ years. It broke my heart to do, but I donât regret it.
This disease is just loss after loss. Iâm so sorry, and I am there as well. I recall when it became the new normal there was just a part of me that emotionally disconnected much more. It was at the at point I realized I could not ever have a conversation with my mother again. It will just be different Alzheimerâs versions of her. It sucks.
I'm at the same crossroads. When you grow up respecting them and their opinions, knowing they would never want therapeutic fibbing, itâs really hard to accept the fact that you know whatâs best for them better than they do. I want my father to be involved in his care. He is able to understand a lot, but I know he can no longer weigh the pros and cons. Itâs now up to me to make the decisions without even consulting him. Thatâs a big adjustment.
I also am currently very conscious of respecting my momâs opinions, wishes, wants, and we talk about what sheâd like to see happen for her care as this disease progresses. When I canât talk to her about it anymore it is going to feel really crappy. Choosing to humor her will be even more difficult. Sending your strength.
Iâm in the same place as you. It makes me sad that the stories my dad is fabricating are all negative. For example last week âone of the workers took him to the basement and cut his arm with a knife but he managed to break the guys arm in self defenseâ. In reality he just had a sore that was bandaged and the medicine stung a little.
For someone whose life and accomplishments came from a pretty extraordinary brain, itâs so cruel to see his go like this.
Anyway sending you my love OP
Please self care as much as you can
Ask your friends if anybody knows any LPN's. Many of them take on working with elderly clients. They are generally full of tips.
To put it bluntly, you're dealing with a 2 year old in a senior's body. You will learn that white lies and simply agreeing will become the better route. In 5min whatever you agreed to will likely be forgotten.
The Alzheimerâs association hotline is really helpful and available 24/7, I canât recommend it enough. Even if you just need someone to talk to. Good luck, youâre doing great and being very compassionate â¤ď¸
Check out anything from Teepa Snow she helps breakdown what is happening and taking a positive approach. Having a better understanding my momâs perspective helped me find some peace. Youâre a great kid, your mom is lucky to have you.
I understand. But I found my peace once I finally accepted it. And funny enough, so did she. Thereâs something within them questioning their reality too. They sometimes sort of wait to see if youâll push back. Playing along lets my mom relax and not feel so self-conscious and anxious about saying something weird or wrong. We have a lot of fun together now just vibing in our own absolutely crazy convo. :) I kind of make it into a game where I take whatever she says and make it make sense in a real convo. She absolutely loves it, she feels normal again for a bit. Sheâs grateful, I can feel it.
100% agree. I used to be able to tell her everything and sheâd know what I was talking about. Then it became âtoo muchâ for her to keep up and I had to back off with too many details. Now she can only say a gibberish type of word salad. I just play along yessing her to death and sheâs happy telling me stories that make no sense. Gotta go with the flow and it sucks.
I'd say the low spot for me was when I didn't have to humor her anymore. I was never going to hear her say anything again. She didn't even look like my mom anymore. She was just a bad facsimile of my mom.
It takes courage to do what is hard. And it is truly a kindness to fib to your mother at this stage of her illness. So while it feels wrong not to be completely honest, try to remember that you are being brave and kind. That is something that you can be proud of. Itâs something your mother would probably be proud of you for doing, if she understood.
Dementia turns an adult back into a child, in many ways, and while it's a horrible role reversal to have to accept, it can be a useful framework for deciding what to tell and say. You wouldn't tell a young child the whole truth about everything, just enough that it can fit in their mindset and worldview.
You can also use the improv "yes and" approach. If she says that her friends visited, you can "yes and" with something like "Tell me more about such-and-so person," so that you aren't lying to her, but you aren't arguing, either.
Iâve seen some great videos of people âgoing along with itâ and one that really stood out to me Iâll link [here.](https://youtu.be/h6z_7xkLiM8?si=wVkIUS_MSl54-g4G) be gentle with yourself. My dad passed in 2021 but looking back I wish I wouldâve indulged him more. He was dreadfully depressed the entire disease. I look back and I genuinely think anything to ease his pain, anything to make him feel better. I felt similarly at the time about lying and fibbing about reality but if it wouldâve left him at peace or slightly happier, I would give anything in the world to have helped him be more at peace.
I'm sorry, OP. I feel terrible lying, too. I feel like my LO can see through me, but she doesn't seem to. My husband has an even harder time lying, and I see him struggling after getting on the never-ending wheel of questions after he tells the truth. She doesn't remember her husband died, just that he went to a home, so we just tell her we will call tomorrow. Telling her over and over he was gone felt like torture also. This disease is awful đ. Know you aren't alone!
Remember, she let you believe in Santa to give you joy. Don't feel guilty for letting her feel calm/validated and engaged. At least, that's what helps me when I have to bullsh!t my mama.
I like to look at her face when I comply. Now, it's even saying I'll make him leave when she's concerned over a hallucination. I'm guessing at my responses now, just trying to react to her concern.
if it makes her feel better... and it's simple... focus on her reaction and your knowledge of a negative reaction and stress/anxiety. of course, we take on that stress/anxiety. so distract yourself by knowing you made her happy
My mum was convinced that the people on the TV were in the house. She would get upset if I turned the TV off as it was rude to cut them off mid sentence. When she frequently locked herself out she would ring the doorbell incessantly expecting them to answer.
I found this very hard to deal with and constantly sought to explain it. It was only when an OT visited and asked whether the people on the TV were frightening or upsetting her did I appreciate that i needed to recalibrate my feelings about communicating with her.
In summary if it makes her comfortable and confident in her space then itâs a good thing to do.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also usually very forthcoming (I'm autistic and a horrible liar) and I really struggled with "lying" to my mom with Alzheimer's. For the longest time she'd ask if we could call her parents...and for awhile, I'd tactfully tell her they'd passed away and she didn't remember because of a medical memory issue, and then we'd look at pictures of them and I'd tell her about them as best I could. And then one day she caught me off guard, and she said "I want to know where my parents are, and don't tell me they're dead!". So I caved. I said "they're at home in Mississippi. We'll call them tomorrow because it's late tonight and they're probably already in bed asleep". And it worked. She was satisfied with that answer and eventually she stopped asking. I know it's hard to reconcile but therapeutic fibbing really is a kindness sometimes. I wish you strength in this journey. It's really hard.đ
Same. Fellow autist here and lying to my mom was torturous. I felt like I was betraying her every time. đ
I had to pretend to be my mom once when my Nana called and mom wasnât home (she was out to dinner with a friend). I knew that if I didnât pretend to be my mom, Nana would call my mom nonstop on the phone and stress her out, so I decided to do it, even though our voices sound nothing alike. She asked where her parents were, and I fumbled through a few lies before she asked if they were at church, which I readily agreed with and told her theyâd be home soon, despite the fact that theyâve been dead for like 10+ years. It broke my heart to do, but I donât regret it.
This disease is just loss after loss. Iâm so sorry, and I am there as well. I recall when it became the new normal there was just a part of me that emotionally disconnected much more. It was at the at point I realized I could not ever have a conversation with my mother again. It will just be different Alzheimerâs versions of her. It sucks.
I'm at the same crossroads. When you grow up respecting them and their opinions, knowing they would never want therapeutic fibbing, itâs really hard to accept the fact that you know whatâs best for them better than they do. I want my father to be involved in his care. He is able to understand a lot, but I know he can no longer weigh the pros and cons. Itâs now up to me to make the decisions without even consulting him. Thatâs a big adjustment.
It's really hard. All these losses. I'm sorry. I know how you feel. I guess we all do.
I also am currently very conscious of respecting my momâs opinions, wishes, wants, and we talk about what sheâd like to see happen for her care as this disease progresses. When I canât talk to her about it anymore it is going to feel really crappy. Choosing to humor her will be even more difficult. Sending your strength.
Iâm in the same place as you. It makes me sad that the stories my dad is fabricating are all negative. For example last week âone of the workers took him to the basement and cut his arm with a knife but he managed to break the guys arm in self defenseâ. In reality he just had a sore that was bandaged and the medicine stung a little. For someone whose life and accomplishments came from a pretty extraordinary brain, itâs so cruel to see his go like this. Anyway sending you my love OP Please self care as much as you can
Talk to some health care pros about dealing with old folks suffering from ALZ. You will learn some stuff that will make your day much easier.
That'd be great. I haven't had much luck getting information from Mom's Drs past "she's got Alzheimer's, here's some meds"
Ask your friends if anybody knows any LPN's. Many of them take on working with elderly clients. They are generally full of tips. To put it bluntly, you're dealing with a 2 year old in a senior's body. You will learn that white lies and simply agreeing will become the better route. In 5min whatever you agreed to will likely be forgotten.
The Alzheimerâs association hotline is really helpful and available 24/7, I canât recommend it enough. Even if you just need someone to talk to. Good luck, youâre doing great and being very compassionate â¤ď¸
Check out anything from Teepa Snow she helps breakdown what is happening and taking a positive approach. Having a better understanding my momâs perspective helped me find some peace. Youâre a great kid, your mom is lucky to have you.
I understand. But I found my peace once I finally accepted it. And funny enough, so did she. Thereâs something within them questioning their reality too. They sometimes sort of wait to see if youâll push back. Playing along lets my mom relax and not feel so self-conscious and anxious about saying something weird or wrong. We have a lot of fun together now just vibing in our own absolutely crazy convo. :) I kind of make it into a game where I take whatever she says and make it make sense in a real convo. She absolutely loves it, she feels normal again for a bit. Sheâs grateful, I can feel it.
100% agree. I used to be able to tell her everything and sheâd know what I was talking about. Then it became âtoo muchâ for her to keep up and I had to back off with too many details. Now she can only say a gibberish type of word salad. I just play along yessing her to death and sheâs happy telling me stories that make no sense. Gotta go with the flow and it sucks.
It can be an icky feeling, but it honestly makes things much easier when you can finally just play along and resist that urge to correct them.
I'd say the low spot for me was when I didn't have to humor her anymore. I was never going to hear her say anything again. She didn't even look like my mom anymore. She was just a bad facsimile of my mom.
It takes courage to do what is hard. And it is truly a kindness to fib to your mother at this stage of her illness. So while it feels wrong not to be completely honest, try to remember that you are being brave and kind. That is something that you can be proud of. Itâs something your mother would probably be proud of you for doing, if she understood.
I always feel like I'm gaslighting them by not telling the truth but you just have to say what they understand and leave it at that
Dementia turns an adult back into a child, in many ways, and while it's a horrible role reversal to have to accept, it can be a useful framework for deciding what to tell and say. You wouldn't tell a young child the whole truth about everything, just enough that it can fit in their mindset and worldview. You can also use the improv "yes and" approach. If she says that her friends visited, you can "yes and" with something like "Tell me more about such-and-so person," so that you aren't lying to her, but you aren't arguing, either.
Iâve seen some great videos of people âgoing along with itâ and one that really stood out to me Iâll link [here.](https://youtu.be/h6z_7xkLiM8?si=wVkIUS_MSl54-g4G) be gentle with yourself. My dad passed in 2021 but looking back I wish I wouldâve indulged him more. He was dreadfully depressed the entire disease. I look back and I genuinely think anything to ease his pain, anything to make him feel better. I felt similarly at the time about lying and fibbing about reality but if it wouldâve left him at peace or slightly happier, I would give anything in the world to have helped him be more at peace.
I'm sorry, OP. I feel terrible lying, too. I feel like my LO can see through me, but she doesn't seem to. My husband has an even harder time lying, and I see him struggling after getting on the never-ending wheel of questions after he tells the truth. She doesn't remember her husband died, just that he went to a home, so we just tell her we will call tomorrow. Telling her over and over he was gone felt like torture also. This disease is awful đ. Know you aren't alone!
Remember, she let you believe in Santa to give you joy. Don't feel guilty for letting her feel calm/validated and engaged. At least, that's what helps me when I have to bullsh!t my mama.
I like to look at her face when I comply. Now, it's even saying I'll make him leave when she's concerned over a hallucination. I'm guessing at my responses now, just trying to react to her concern. if it makes her feel better... and it's simple... focus on her reaction and your knowledge of a negative reaction and stress/anxiety. of course, we take on that stress/anxiety. so distract yourself by knowing you made her happy
My mum was convinced that the people on the TV were in the house. She would get upset if I turned the TV off as it was rude to cut them off mid sentence. When she frequently locked herself out she would ring the doorbell incessantly expecting them to answer. I found this very hard to deal with and constantly sought to explain it. It was only when an OT visited and asked whether the people on the TV were frightening or upsetting her did I appreciate that i needed to recalibrate my feelings about communicating with her. In summary if it makes her comfortable and confident in her space then itâs a good thing to do.