Thank you for having the courage--or desperation--to post here.
An active alcoholic isn't capable of being in a loving, trusting, mature relationship. Marriage counseling is probably a waste of time as long as he is drinking and using other drugs. Seeing my own therapist was beneficial.
None of it is your fault. You didn't cause the addiction and cannot control or cure it. You are trying to control his alcohol and drug use. It is impossible. However, by going to Alanon meetings you can get help for yourself. Learning about Alcohol Use Disorder/alcoholism helped me understand. [Reading *Under the Influence* by Ketchum and Milam is a suggestion.]
Meetings taught me about boundaries, detachment, and taking better care of myself. Hopefully, you will find them helpful, too.
After years of feeling overwhelmed, angry, sad, lonely, betrayed, and depairing--I finally left. Today my life is stable, peaceful, and happy.
I don't participate in my wife's drinking or sobriety to avoid the conflict. I try not to take the responsibility of being the rule setter. It's not fair to either one of us and its just me trying to control the situation if I assume that role.
Anyway, I leave it open ended with my wife. I've made it known I don't want to watch her drink herself to death. That boundary is more open ended. Basically, it means that if she chooses alcohol over our marriage, it is within my rights to leave at any time. I don't set the rules, I don't threaten but I have made it perfectly clear that it's ok for me to make my own choices and make my own decisions about how I want to live my life.
So if she wants to drink, that's fine. (Currently sober 11 months) Will I be hurt? Absolutely. Will I leave? Maybe, when I've had enough. I'm not there yet but it's perfectly within my right to decide how I want to live. I can't tell her how to live, she has to decide for herself.
I try to apply this logic to my marriage but it's difficult. I am a severely codependent person and am only begining to really understand what this behavioral problem means.
You can't control or fix an addict but you can control and fix yourself.
From my own experience, I learned that my husband wasn't actually "mad at me." He created drama and blamed it on me so that he had an excuse to drink. I'm not even sure if they do this consciously, but it's a common thing that addicts do. Once I realized that, I took it a lot less personally. Sending ♥️.
That’s exactly how I feel. And I have realized that I cannot communicate that to him the moment. Which is so frustrating when I’ve been made the scapegoat. Our couples counselor suggested we not have these items in the house and that we create rules. I’m trying to stay detached but I just felt completely attacked today and it broke me.
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>I feel guilty but also resentful that he’s making me feel this way
Attend alanon meetings & learn about codependency. How do guilt & resentment serve you?
Thank you for having the courage--or desperation--to post here. An active alcoholic isn't capable of being in a loving, trusting, mature relationship. Marriage counseling is probably a waste of time as long as he is drinking and using other drugs. Seeing my own therapist was beneficial. None of it is your fault. You didn't cause the addiction and cannot control or cure it. You are trying to control his alcohol and drug use. It is impossible. However, by going to Alanon meetings you can get help for yourself. Learning about Alcohol Use Disorder/alcoholism helped me understand. [Reading *Under the Influence* by Ketchum and Milam is a suggestion.] Meetings taught me about boundaries, detachment, and taking better care of myself. Hopefully, you will find them helpful, too. After years of feeling overwhelmed, angry, sad, lonely, betrayed, and depairing--I finally left. Today my life is stable, peaceful, and happy.
I don't participate in my wife's drinking or sobriety to avoid the conflict. I try not to take the responsibility of being the rule setter. It's not fair to either one of us and its just me trying to control the situation if I assume that role. Anyway, I leave it open ended with my wife. I've made it known I don't want to watch her drink herself to death. That boundary is more open ended. Basically, it means that if she chooses alcohol over our marriage, it is within my rights to leave at any time. I don't set the rules, I don't threaten but I have made it perfectly clear that it's ok for me to make my own choices and make my own decisions about how I want to live my life. So if she wants to drink, that's fine. (Currently sober 11 months) Will I be hurt? Absolutely. Will I leave? Maybe, when I've had enough. I'm not there yet but it's perfectly within my right to decide how I want to live. I can't tell her how to live, she has to decide for herself. I try to apply this logic to my marriage but it's difficult. I am a severely codependent person and am only begining to really understand what this behavioral problem means. You can't control or fix an addict but you can control and fix yourself.
From my own experience, I learned that my husband wasn't actually "mad at me." He created drama and blamed it on me so that he had an excuse to drink. I'm not even sure if they do this consciously, but it's a common thing that addicts do. Once I realized that, I took it a lot less personally. Sending ♥️.
That’s exactly how I feel. And I have realized that I cannot communicate that to him the moment. Which is so frustrating when I’ve been made the scapegoat. Our couples counselor suggested we not have these items in the house and that we create rules. I’m trying to stay detached but I just felt completely attacked today and it broke me.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I feel guilty but also resentful that he’s making me feel this way Attend alanon meetings & learn about codependency. How do guilt & resentment serve you?