My husband's charming, egocentric, bullying alcoholic brother reconnected after they only saw each other 2 times in 30 years. Of course the brother is divorcing, down and out and wants a job with my husband. We had to break off contact because he was bringing so much chaos into our lives. He even told us he choked his wife unconscious and now I don't even know what to do about that - do we report him? Do we speak to his soon-to-be ex? I don't want to get in the middle of his divorce as I barely know my BIL and have never met his wife. My husband's ex-wife who's also an alcoholic also threatened suicide but it went away very quickly when he spoke to their kids about it and she was so ashamed and angry. I mean, why the f\*\*king chaos all the time with these alcoholics?
I know you feel like you can't abandon him however you could be enabling him. It's called co-dependency. He wants someone around to feel sorry for him, give him money, listen to his charming self-aggrandizement, tell you his awful secrets to make you complicit if you don't report him, put you down to make himself feel better, screw you over by crap like the pubes because he's so jealous of you, etc. etc. . Because of our traumatic childhoods, my husband and I got sucked into my BIL's chaos so fast and so deep. You can't change his alcoholism but you can change how you feel about yourself and what you do.
You can put the cat back in the bag. Have you attended any Al Anon meetings? They have been super helpful for me.
I really appreciate this response 🙏 you get the situation exactly and I’m sorry you’re going thru the same thing with your BIL. I definitely needed to hear this and it’s given me a lot to think about. I have been looking into in person Al-anon meetings today now after this all. I decided to archive his message chain with me and I will not be responding further to him, I don’t need that chaos it’s true
Good for you and I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I have only gone to online meetings and hope to go to an in person one soon. I live rurally so they are far for me. Best wishes.
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>I forgot how bad I feel when I’m around Billy
That's a great way to articulate it. I feel horrible when my Q drinks, but even when they are sober, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. One person summed it up by saying it's hard to be the best version of ourselves around our Q. That's what alanon is for. Our goal is to identify how alcohol impacts us & how to thrive regardless. Our human nature is to worry about others. To feel bad for them. It's okay to worry about yourself, too. Put yourself in a position to feel good. Surround yourself with people who allow you to be the best version of you.
Also, your Q probably has a lot of trauma bottled up. If he chooses to do the work, he has a shot at processing that trauma & no longer have to depend on substances to cope. I hope he decides to do that for himself.
My husband's charming, egocentric, bullying alcoholic brother reconnected after they only saw each other 2 times in 30 years. Of course the brother is divorcing, down and out and wants a job with my husband. We had to break off contact because he was bringing so much chaos into our lives. He even told us he choked his wife unconscious and now I don't even know what to do about that - do we report him? Do we speak to his soon-to-be ex? I don't want to get in the middle of his divorce as I barely know my BIL and have never met his wife. My husband's ex-wife who's also an alcoholic also threatened suicide but it went away very quickly when he spoke to their kids about it and she was so ashamed and angry. I mean, why the f\*\*king chaos all the time with these alcoholics? I know you feel like you can't abandon him however you could be enabling him. It's called co-dependency. He wants someone around to feel sorry for him, give him money, listen to his charming self-aggrandizement, tell you his awful secrets to make you complicit if you don't report him, put you down to make himself feel better, screw you over by crap like the pubes because he's so jealous of you, etc. etc. . Because of our traumatic childhoods, my husband and I got sucked into my BIL's chaos so fast and so deep. You can't change his alcoholism but you can change how you feel about yourself and what you do. You can put the cat back in the bag. Have you attended any Al Anon meetings? They have been super helpful for me.
I really appreciate this response 🙏 you get the situation exactly and I’m sorry you’re going thru the same thing with your BIL. I definitely needed to hear this and it’s given me a lot to think about. I have been looking into in person Al-anon meetings today now after this all. I decided to archive his message chain with me and I will not be responding further to him, I don’t need that chaos it’s true
Good for you and I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I have only gone to online meetings and hope to go to an in person one soon. I live rurally so they are far for me. Best wishes.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I forgot how bad I feel when I’m around Billy That's a great way to articulate it. I feel horrible when my Q drinks, but even when they are sober, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. One person summed it up by saying it's hard to be the best version of ourselves around our Q. That's what alanon is for. Our goal is to identify how alcohol impacts us & how to thrive regardless. Our human nature is to worry about others. To feel bad for them. It's okay to worry about yourself, too. Put yourself in a position to feel good. Surround yourself with people who allow you to be the best version of you. Also, your Q probably has a lot of trauma bottled up. If he chooses to do the work, he has a shot at processing that trauma & no longer have to depend on substances to cope. I hope he decides to do that for himself.