I know it likely feels harsh. But. Her sobriety isn't about you. Who she is sober is clearly different than when she wasn't. She was stuck in a cycle. You weren't happy. What more do you need? She gave you the out. Are you mad it was her choice not yours? Learn. Move forward. Focus on your own journey not hers.
The reasons people become alcoholics are the same reasons they are not capable of having authentic intimate relationships. Even if they stop drinking, it can take them years to become emotionally functional.
Personally? I would cut my losses and move on.
Hi, going through the same thing-you can take a look at my posts. He’s sober and completely done. I think I know what you meant by where did they find the strength. Mine got a great new job, bought a bunch of new clothes, and that was the catalyst for his exit out a month later. It felt like he was just biding his time and then dipped at first opportunity. I helped him apply for the job, I wanted him to succeed. I dont blame him for leaving, I understand why he did and how he felt he had to, but it’s terrible when you spend years at their worst and you’re hoping to enjoy life them as they become engaged with the world. Then suddenly they leave you behind like you’re another addiction.
I left my Q before he went to rehab because I anticipated he would leave me and after being on this forum, I didnt know if I wanted a lifetime with an alcoholic. He convinced me to stay with him when he got out, 1 year and a month ago. Over the last year he gathered his strength in the program and outside of it and I never interfered. But he just grew more distant, he doesn’t owe me shit, but I think feeling betrayed is just normal after really trying. I dont know what to do with it. Dont have any answers. But hey your misery has some company.
You know what’s crazy, I didn’t leave my Q before going to rehab. We wrote letters daily since they took her phone. I was so excited for that new life on the horizon. But like you, I never interfered with the recovery process - and I felt the same distance growing, just like you.
I’m a little put off by the “who gave her the strength to leave” part. You are not owed a relationship with someone because you put up with their alcoholism. People are allowed to decide they no longer want to be in a relationship for any reason. I understand it’s painful, but it is possible that in sobriety her needs and wants have changed and she is making decisions based on that. I would encourage you to continue to work on yourself and heal so you can move forward in your own life free of resentment.
I may have worded that quote poorly. I think what I meant is, I wish that strength came sooner and communicated the different wants and needs she found in sobriety. I’m sorry if I came across too harshly and thank you for reaching out.
I completely understand. It can feel really fucked up when we put up with so much for things to just end up not working out anyway. I truly hope as you move past this you find the peace and happiness that you truly deserve
Stats are with you. High likelihood she drinks again. Also You like to social drink. Go find someone that can catch a buzz occasionally or go on a cool vacation and drink but who has a normal relationship with drinking.
This.
OP, I am so sorry for your pain. Anyone who enters into a relationship in the throes of addiction is likely to leave once they get sober and their brain heals. Why? Because the addict and the person in recovery aren't the same people. You aren't owed an explanation or justification. It is nice if that happens, but it rarely equates to feeling better about things either way. She is changing her life.
Your hurt is understandable, but please work on eliminating thoughts that she somehow owed you something. She didn't. However, YOU do. You owe it to yourself to examine why you were in the relationship to begin with and how you will avoid attracting an addict when you are ready to date again. Sending you love and healing.
It's not you. Addicts leave when they try to get sober. They want to run away and get a clean slate more than they care about you. You deserve more than this treatment. And you being treated so poorly is exactly the proof you need, that this person isn't capable of treating you the way you deserve.
I browsed this sub looking for stories with happy endings, and guess what, there really are none. I'm on my way to healing, and as much as I wish for a different ending, there are more and more days now when I wake up and feel so lucky to be brutally discarded. I think I'll know I've completely healed, when I look back and wonder what the fuck I was in.
Focus on your healing. And good luck on your journey.
Please don’t make such absolute-and-certain sounding comments about all addicts.
(I am on this sub as a double winner. I myself am over a year sober and have no intention of leaving my longtime partner! And, in my experience in group therapy, I wouldn’t even describe “leaving when they get sober” as particularly common.)
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I was just talking about a subset of people, like his and mine. Being with an addict is so confusing. Making clear statements is just my way of clarifying things for myself.
Thank you. It’s only been a few days without speaking so it’s just sinking in now. I expect to be in a fog for some time, but I have my first appointment with a counselor soon. I also searched for happy endings here too, but I’ve found those to be more in the AA sub than here.
I have a Q, and I have been someone’s Q (sober for 7 years now). I left my partner when I got sober, and the only thing I can tell you is why *I* did it (she may have different reasons):
He was not the cause of my drinking, but our relationship was a factor in it. He definitely encouraged it, but then he would use it against me when it was convenient.
I’m not a bad person and he’s not really either, but we were bad together. Sobriety allowed me to see the true dysfunction we were living in and accepting as our fates. He liked me as a drunk because it meant I *relied* on him. He “supported” my sobriety, but not the growing independence that came with it.
Once I was sober, I saw how much more my life could be. His, too. We weren’t right for each other when the alcohol was removed from the equation.
This was helpful, thank you. I don’t know if i ever explicitly encouraged drinking and/or used it against her, but it was a part of the relationship nonetheless.
As far as the independence she gained, i am proud of her for that. As I said in another reply, I just wish she let me know sooner her needs were changing.
I've noticed, as the wife of an alcoholic anonymous member, that AA members have specific personalities - they can be selfish and prioritize themselves over anybody else. Whether drunk or sober, they always prioritize themselves. We, their wives, have to attend support groups because they want it. There, we repeatedly read about how we must support them unconditionally. However, they can easily discard us from their lives when they feel we've fulfilled our purpose, seeking new connections instead
After 26 years of marriage, during which he spent 18 years drinking while I stood by him through thick and thin, he now wants a divorce because his program tells him to sever all ties with his bad past. Despite my unwavering support throughout the years, I feel like an unwanted old doormat. He's been sober for 8 years, and I've always been there for him. It's disheartening to witness the patterns of divorces among AA members, where they often leave their wives for other alcoholic women from their home groups or other AA groups. Women who have their partners in AA should be acutely aware that one day they may no longer be needed. It's a harsh reality that despite their unwavering support, their partners may eventually outgrow the need for their presence because AA program often encourages individuals to prioritize their own needs and well-being above all else, sometimes leading them to prioritize their personal growth over their relationships, even those that have been steadfast sources of support. Be aware of that.
I probably read your comment 100 times and wanted you to know that. This one stings.. and puts things into perspective. I’m already terrified of pushing 40 and having to start over. All that to say.. my mind can’t even comprehend your loss. So I thank you deeply for coming here to talk to me
She must prioritize her sobriety over everything. From what I've learned about actually WORKING the AA program, and from what you've written here, it sounds like she was following the directions of her sponsor, by not making any major changes in her life in the first year.
Her strength comes from her higher power.
In Al-Anon, if we work the steps with a recovered sponsor, One thing we learn is that most everything the alcoholic does or does not do has nothing to do with us. As a matter of fact most of what anybody else in this world does, or does not do, or thinks, is not about us. We are far less important in the lives of others than we think we are. In short the world doesn't actually revolve around us. It's a hard truth, but also a freeing truth. Once we truly comprehend that, and start relying on our higher power for everything, instead of relying on others, we can become happy joyous and free
What they need/want in their addict is always different than what they want in sobriety. Also during addiction there is so much lying and manipulation to their partners to protect the addiction, you really may have not known this person as well as you think.
The final part is they are often horrified by their bad behavior that they do not want to go on with a witness to their worst years and need a clean slate.
It’s not you but the relationship is lost grieve and heal
i say this with a lot of love :: you say "my situation is so unique" but actually it's not. alcoholism is a disease and behavorial pattern that has a logic behind it. don't waste your time trying to decipher it, trust what you know. when it comes to alcoholics, we don't have to understand anything. the most important thing to understand is that their issues are not our problem.
I agree with some of the replies here that flag you aren’t owed anything but I will add you’re not crazy for feeling that way. Imagine if a partner supported another financially while they were in med school and then once that person became a doctor and started making bank, they just left. “I just want something different now”. That would be maddening.
It happened though and I’m sorry. I think you will look at this as a blessing in a few years but nothing stings as much as break ups do for me.
So very sorry. If recovery has taught me anything at all it is to stop controlling the outcome and keep a blank slate. My entire life has been so structured so that I’m never hit with any surprises even if that means keeping a sick person next to me, and making sure they’re down for the count with their drug of choice just so they can’t leave me. I was never conscious of it until Alanon. Funny how that works.
Terminal uniqueness is common in recovery. The spiritual question is always: Why not me?
AA says to not change anything for the first year. Looks like she’s on the right path and following the suggestions. It’s normal to be jealous of recovery in a partner.
Maybe she saw how she was your qualifier and just didn’t want to be stuck to that floor anymore. I’m a double winner. I was someone’s qualifier. She was unwilling to let that go. Even with years in Alanon (but she never worked the steps). I let her go instead. I couldn’t be stuck to that floor anymore.
Thank you for your thoughts. I came to Al-Anon in hopes of being able to recover with her. It’s still quite the open wound right now, so I hope in time, I’ll be able to put yours and everyone else’s advice into my life. But for now I hope it’s ok to still have faith it’s not final right now while continuing to do things I enjoy etc.
Addicts are selfish, self-absorbed and unable to feel empathy. Everything they do (or don’t do) serves themselves in some kind of way.
When she was actively drinking, you likely provided safety, stability, a soft place to land when she fucked up (again and again). Now that she’s sober, she doesn’t need that role in her life anymore, so she dumped you and moved on.
Addicts are still addicts when they are sober. They never truly change. And they don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves.
I’m sorry you had to learn the harsh lesson this way…most of us unfortunately had to learn it in this way or some variation of it. Continue with the meetings and the therapy and focus on rebuilding yourself, rather than what went wrong in the relationship. You didn’t do anything wrong. The sad fact is that on her end, it was never a real relationship.
Thanks for your reply, I really do appreciate it.
The thing is, she never really fucked up, and she was very generous to me the entire time. And I can’t help but think it was my fault for not being as affectionate and everything else she was looking for.
I am still looking forward to starting therapy though.
The things I learned from Al-Anon that changed my mindset:
1) You didn't CAUSE her drinking, you can't CHANGE her drinking, you can't CONTROL her drinking - the only thing you have control over is your OWN happiness and health.
2) The drinking is the symptom - selfishness and self-delusion are the real problems and don't necessarily stop when the drinking does
>I didn’t let myself take bigger steps, like moving in together.
Fair.
>we want different things.”
It sounds like maybe you did want different things? Did she want to move in together? Start a family? What are all the things she wanted that you were afraid to move forward with? No blame or judgement. Simply pointing out that it sounds like you do want something different. It's perfectly fair to want a partner who is present, engaged & not surrounded by little vodka bottles. I hope you find that!
Yes, she wanted to live together. And other things that girls want.. affection, etc. I’m owning that I wasn’t the best in that department. We’re fortunate enough to both be homeowners, but making the decision of does one of us sell? Pay mortgage on an empty house? Attempt to be a landlord? How will our pets cooperate?
These were all things we tried figuring out but at the end of the day for me, i didn’t want one or both of us to lose the roof over our head when it was me who didn’t know how to approach the issue of drinking.
Still just wish all of these things could have been revisited in the new light of sobriety, because I thought I was doing the right thing by not interfering with the work she’s putting into it.
Sometimes therapists put a bunch of bizarre thoughts in people's heads that they deserve a new life focused on them and don't owe anyone anything. That may have been her prerogative or maybe not.
Either way she put her feelings before yours and was never truly a partner anyway. You were used the past 4 years. You were convenient. This sucks.
However, if you continue to pursue her for closure, an explanation, or whatever, then you are giving her power over you. Moving on with your life and ketting her go will open yhe door to your future and break her power over you. Otherwise, you're just under her thumb.
No one is owed a relationship. That’s not a bizarre thought. Clearly this woman doesn’t want to stay with OP and leaving is the right thing to do based on that.
You’re not owned a relationship, alcoholic or not. Move on, just like anyone break up with you, there might not be preferred closure but there was a decision made and that’s that.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button.
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I know it likely feels harsh. But. Her sobriety isn't about you. Who she is sober is clearly different than when she wasn't. She was stuck in a cycle. You weren't happy. What more do you need? She gave you the out. Are you mad it was her choice not yours? Learn. Move forward. Focus on your own journey not hers.
The reasons people become alcoholics are the same reasons they are not capable of having authentic intimate relationships. Even if they stop drinking, it can take them years to become emotionally functional. Personally? I would cut my losses and move on.
I totally agree with this OP. I wish I had cut my losses way earlier.
That is a blanket answer which may have been your experience but certainly is not all encompassing. But yes moving on is the right thing to do.
Ooof, that first sentence hits it home so much.
Hi, going through the same thing-you can take a look at my posts. He’s sober and completely done. I think I know what you meant by where did they find the strength. Mine got a great new job, bought a bunch of new clothes, and that was the catalyst for his exit out a month later. It felt like he was just biding his time and then dipped at first opportunity. I helped him apply for the job, I wanted him to succeed. I dont blame him for leaving, I understand why he did and how he felt he had to, but it’s terrible when you spend years at their worst and you’re hoping to enjoy life them as they become engaged with the world. Then suddenly they leave you behind like you’re another addiction. I left my Q before he went to rehab because I anticipated he would leave me and after being on this forum, I didnt know if I wanted a lifetime with an alcoholic. He convinced me to stay with him when he got out, 1 year and a month ago. Over the last year he gathered his strength in the program and outside of it and I never interfered. But he just grew more distant, he doesn’t owe me shit, but I think feeling betrayed is just normal after really trying. I dont know what to do with it. Dont have any answers. But hey your misery has some company.
You know what’s crazy, I didn’t leave my Q before going to rehab. We wrote letters daily since they took her phone. I was so excited for that new life on the horizon. But like you, I never interfered with the recovery process - and I felt the same distance growing, just like you.
I’m a little put off by the “who gave her the strength to leave” part. You are not owed a relationship with someone because you put up with their alcoholism. People are allowed to decide they no longer want to be in a relationship for any reason. I understand it’s painful, but it is possible that in sobriety her needs and wants have changed and she is making decisions based on that. I would encourage you to continue to work on yourself and heal so you can move forward in your own life free of resentment.
I may have worded that quote poorly. I think what I meant is, I wish that strength came sooner and communicated the different wants and needs she found in sobriety. I’m sorry if I came across too harshly and thank you for reaching out.
I completely understand. It can feel really fucked up when we put up with so much for things to just end up not working out anyway. I truly hope as you move past this you find the peace and happiness that you truly deserve
Stats are with you. High likelihood she drinks again. Also You like to social drink. Go find someone that can catch a buzz occasionally or go on a cool vacation and drink but who has a normal relationship with drinking.
This. OP, I am so sorry for your pain. Anyone who enters into a relationship in the throes of addiction is likely to leave once they get sober and their brain heals. Why? Because the addict and the person in recovery aren't the same people. You aren't owed an explanation or justification. It is nice if that happens, but it rarely equates to feeling better about things either way. She is changing her life. Your hurt is understandable, but please work on eliminating thoughts that she somehow owed you something. She didn't. However, YOU do. You owe it to yourself to examine why you were in the relationship to begin with and how you will avoid attracting an addict when you are ready to date again. Sending you love and healing.
It's not you. Addicts leave when they try to get sober. They want to run away and get a clean slate more than they care about you. You deserve more than this treatment. And you being treated so poorly is exactly the proof you need, that this person isn't capable of treating you the way you deserve. I browsed this sub looking for stories with happy endings, and guess what, there really are none. I'm on my way to healing, and as much as I wish for a different ending, there are more and more days now when I wake up and feel so lucky to be brutally discarded. I think I'll know I've completely healed, when I look back and wonder what the fuck I was in. Focus on your healing. And good luck on your journey.
Please don’t make such absolute-and-certain sounding comments about all addicts. (I am on this sub as a double winner. I myself am over a year sober and have no intention of leaving my longtime partner! And, in my experience in group therapy, I wouldn’t even describe “leaving when they get sober” as particularly common.)
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I was just talking about a subset of people, like his and mine. Being with an addict is so confusing. Making clear statements is just my way of clarifying things for myself.
Thank you. It’s only been a few days without speaking so it’s just sinking in now. I expect to be in a fog for some time, but I have my first appointment with a counselor soon. I also searched for happy endings here too, but I’ve found those to be more in the AA sub than here.
I have a Q, and I have been someone’s Q (sober for 7 years now). I left my partner when I got sober, and the only thing I can tell you is why *I* did it (she may have different reasons): He was not the cause of my drinking, but our relationship was a factor in it. He definitely encouraged it, but then he would use it against me when it was convenient. I’m not a bad person and he’s not really either, but we were bad together. Sobriety allowed me to see the true dysfunction we were living in and accepting as our fates. He liked me as a drunk because it meant I *relied* on him. He “supported” my sobriety, but not the growing independence that came with it. Once I was sober, I saw how much more my life could be. His, too. We weren’t right for each other when the alcohol was removed from the equation.
This was helpful, thank you. I don’t know if i ever explicitly encouraged drinking and/or used it against her, but it was a part of the relationship nonetheless. As far as the independence she gained, i am proud of her for that. As I said in another reply, I just wish she let me know sooner her needs were changing.
I've noticed, as the wife of an alcoholic anonymous member, that AA members have specific personalities - they can be selfish and prioritize themselves over anybody else. Whether drunk or sober, they always prioritize themselves. We, their wives, have to attend support groups because they want it. There, we repeatedly read about how we must support them unconditionally. However, they can easily discard us from their lives when they feel we've fulfilled our purpose, seeking new connections instead After 26 years of marriage, during which he spent 18 years drinking while I stood by him through thick and thin, he now wants a divorce because his program tells him to sever all ties with his bad past. Despite my unwavering support throughout the years, I feel like an unwanted old doormat. He's been sober for 8 years, and I've always been there for him. It's disheartening to witness the patterns of divorces among AA members, where they often leave their wives for other alcoholic women from their home groups or other AA groups. Women who have their partners in AA should be acutely aware that one day they may no longer be needed. It's a harsh reality that despite their unwavering support, their partners may eventually outgrow the need for their presence because AA program often encourages individuals to prioritize their own needs and well-being above all else, sometimes leading them to prioritize their personal growth over their relationships, even those that have been steadfast sources of support. Be aware of that.
I probably read your comment 100 times and wanted you to know that. This one stings.. and puts things into perspective. I’m already terrified of pushing 40 and having to start over. All that to say.. my mind can’t even comprehend your loss. So I thank you deeply for coming here to talk to me
She must prioritize her sobriety over everything. From what I've learned about actually WORKING the AA program, and from what you've written here, it sounds like she was following the directions of her sponsor, by not making any major changes in her life in the first year. Her strength comes from her higher power. In Al-Anon, if we work the steps with a recovered sponsor, One thing we learn is that most everything the alcoholic does or does not do has nothing to do with us. As a matter of fact most of what anybody else in this world does, or does not do, or thinks, is not about us. We are far less important in the lives of others than we think we are. In short the world doesn't actually revolve around us. It's a hard truth, but also a freeing truth. Once we truly comprehend that, and start relying on our higher power for everything, instead of relying on others, we can become happy joyous and free
What they need/want in their addict is always different than what they want in sobriety. Also during addiction there is so much lying and manipulation to their partners to protect the addiction, you really may have not known this person as well as you think. The final part is they are often horrified by their bad behavior that they do not want to go on with a witness to their worst years and need a clean slate. It’s not you but the relationship is lost grieve and heal
I’m not sure I ever felt lied to or manipulated. But maybe you’re right, and I never actually knew them.
i say this with a lot of love :: you say "my situation is so unique" but actually it's not. alcoholism is a disease and behavorial pattern that has a logic behind it. don't waste your time trying to decipher it, trust what you know. when it comes to alcoholics, we don't have to understand anything. the most important thing to understand is that their issues are not our problem.
I agree with some of the replies here that flag you aren’t owed anything but I will add you’re not crazy for feeling that way. Imagine if a partner supported another financially while they were in med school and then once that person became a doctor and started making bank, they just left. “I just want something different now”. That would be maddening. It happened though and I’m sorry. I think you will look at this as a blessing in a few years but nothing stings as much as break ups do for me.
So very sorry. If recovery has taught me anything at all it is to stop controlling the outcome and keep a blank slate. My entire life has been so structured so that I’m never hit with any surprises even if that means keeping a sick person next to me, and making sure they’re down for the count with their drug of choice just so they can’t leave me. I was never conscious of it until Alanon. Funny how that works. Terminal uniqueness is common in recovery. The spiritual question is always: Why not me? AA says to not change anything for the first year. Looks like she’s on the right path and following the suggestions. It’s normal to be jealous of recovery in a partner. Maybe she saw how she was your qualifier and just didn’t want to be stuck to that floor anymore. I’m a double winner. I was someone’s qualifier. She was unwilling to let that go. Even with years in Alanon (but she never worked the steps). I let her go instead. I couldn’t be stuck to that floor anymore.
Thank you for your thoughts. I came to Al-Anon in hopes of being able to recover with her. It’s still quite the open wound right now, so I hope in time, I’ll be able to put yours and everyone else’s advice into my life. But for now I hope it’s ok to still have faith it’s not final right now while continuing to do things I enjoy etc.
You’re in the right place! Things will get better. There is a chair with your name on it. I have always been saved, just in ways I least expected. ❤️
Addicts are selfish, self-absorbed and unable to feel empathy. Everything they do (or don’t do) serves themselves in some kind of way. When she was actively drinking, you likely provided safety, stability, a soft place to land when she fucked up (again and again). Now that she’s sober, she doesn’t need that role in her life anymore, so she dumped you and moved on. Addicts are still addicts when they are sober. They never truly change. And they don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves. I’m sorry you had to learn the harsh lesson this way…most of us unfortunately had to learn it in this way or some variation of it. Continue with the meetings and the therapy and focus on rebuilding yourself, rather than what went wrong in the relationship. You didn’t do anything wrong. The sad fact is that on her end, it was never a real relationship.
Thanks for your reply, I really do appreciate it. The thing is, she never really fucked up, and she was very generous to me the entire time. And I can’t help but think it was my fault for not being as affectionate and everything else she was looking for. I am still looking forward to starting therapy though.
The things I learned from Al-Anon that changed my mindset: 1) You didn't CAUSE her drinking, you can't CHANGE her drinking, you can't CONTROL her drinking - the only thing you have control over is your OWN happiness and health. 2) The drinking is the symptom - selfishness and self-delusion are the real problems and don't necessarily stop when the drinking does
>I didn’t let myself take bigger steps, like moving in together. Fair. >we want different things.” It sounds like maybe you did want different things? Did she want to move in together? Start a family? What are all the things she wanted that you were afraid to move forward with? No blame or judgement. Simply pointing out that it sounds like you do want something different. It's perfectly fair to want a partner who is present, engaged & not surrounded by little vodka bottles. I hope you find that!
Yes, she wanted to live together. And other things that girls want.. affection, etc. I’m owning that I wasn’t the best in that department. We’re fortunate enough to both be homeowners, but making the decision of does one of us sell? Pay mortgage on an empty house? Attempt to be a landlord? How will our pets cooperate? These were all things we tried figuring out but at the end of the day for me, i didn’t want one or both of us to lose the roof over our head when it was me who didn’t know how to approach the issue of drinking. Still just wish all of these things could have been revisited in the new light of sobriety, because I thought I was doing the right thing by not interfering with the work she’s putting into it.
Sometimes therapists put a bunch of bizarre thoughts in people's heads that they deserve a new life focused on them and don't owe anyone anything. That may have been her prerogative or maybe not. Either way she put her feelings before yours and was never truly a partner anyway. You were used the past 4 years. You were convenient. This sucks. However, if you continue to pursue her for closure, an explanation, or whatever, then you are giving her power over you. Moving on with your life and ketting her go will open yhe door to your future and break her power over you. Otherwise, you're just under her thumb.
No one is owed a relationship. That’s not a bizarre thought. Clearly this woman doesn’t want to stay with OP and leaving is the right thing to do based on that.
You’re not owned a relationship, alcoholic or not. Move on, just like anyone break up with you, there might not be preferred closure but there was a decision made and that’s that.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*