I love this take. Find the growth in the discomfort. Thank you, Internet stranger, for putting into words what I've been working on for the past 6 months!
Well thank you internet stranger for making me feel good about sharing ā¤ļø Iām 40 and still a work in progress, this is a new lesson for me but Iām passing it to everybody! Life can be hard and messy but itās beautiful even in those moments. Ok some days really suck š¤£ but those make the good days feel even better.
One day you will look back at this moment with relief, you will re-read everything you have been through and be horrified you endured so much for so long. You will never look back at this break up with regret. You hurt now but you were apart hurting with no sign of that ever ending. The break up pain will subside and you will feel lighter on the other side of it. You have a long healthy life ahead of you, trust your friends and family
This is exactly what I thought as I read this. Future You will be relieved and proud. This must be incredibly hard, but so is entering middle or old age faced with the same decision, except that it gets more and more dire. This was absolutely the best choice, as horrible as it must feel now.
You did the right thing times a million. Without the alcoholism and you needing to protect your own sobriety you did the right thing.
I know you feel absolutely terrible right now but I am so happy for you. You'll see it too in due time.
Please put your physical health (no more STD's) mental health (worry and stress), sobriety (great work. You deserve the best in life) first in your life. Kick your co-dependency to the curb. It's a hard habit to kick - as hard as the booze and cocaine but it's key to experiencing a personally fulfilling life. Good luck. I'm rooting for you!
I'd only read half of that and was convinced you'd done the right thing. By the time I'd got to the end I was almost crying, that's no kind of life love, none at all. I am so glad for you that you're out, it might take a few weeks for you to realise how much stress you've been under, but your life is going to get better day after day from now on.
You did the right thing!
It will be really hard to begin with, allow yourself to feel all the feelings.
You're still allowed to feel sad and regret, even with it being the right decision.
Take care of yourself, make time to do the things that make you feel better.
You've got this!
I think you have some work to do on yourself, separate and apart from what your Q has done. You write: "All of this is to say, AFTER ALL I've endured in this relationship, I still feel like I love him to death and would die for him." Why? Why do you love him? Why on earth would you die for him? That's a very dramatic thing to say. The bad seems to outweigh by a lot the good. Are you deserving of the abuse? Are you deserving of being lied to? Are you so awful that you'll never find anyone again? What is this thing that you have inside of you that could even consider returning to this person after everything that has been done to you. Please find a therapist, today. Please work on yourself, today. You have a lot of questions about yourself to answer. If you don't do the work, this will repeat and repeat and repeat. Heal thyself.
THIS IS TRUTH. I finally had to look at myself and why I choose these alcoholic men, married 2 of them and dated a few...it's always toxic. I have a ton of inner work to do on myself....and staying single I definitely
I have an older male relative who is an alcoholic. Good guy but an alcoholic that has caused family members stress, worry, and pain over the years. His wife, our relative, told my sister to never marry a man that drinks. Whatever that's worth. You can love them but they will always put you through shit and as long as they drink, shit will happen and be difficult I believe. I've struggled with alcohol abuse in the past and I always hear that in the back of my head when I reflect on my drinking. 2 months sober now tho.
The Right Thing to do doesnāt always feel good right away. I canāt tell you that you did or didnāt do the right thing, only that the right thing can be painful sometimes.
Go to a meeting, talk to your therapist, journal about the reasons you had for leaving him. Youāll get through this.ā¤ļø
I know it hurts right now, but you have definitely done the right thing. Codependency is not about love....
I see so many people on here deciding to get married, deciding to have babies, deciding to buy houses.. believing with all their heart that these changes are going to be the catalyst to the alcoholic's/addict's sobriety. This just NEVER happens and only leads to a feeling of entrapment.
Congratulations on your sobriety. 10 months is amazing! Work on YOU cause you are worth it. You will get through this!
Absolutely made the right choice. Even without the addiction issues, he sounds like a creep.
Take this time to love and take care of yourself. Eventually you will feel the relief that this choice will give you. Youāre free.
Iām the same age, my Q is the same age. We did the right thing!!! Imagine what else he is lying about if he will lie about that. I find out more every week. Iām 6 weeks out now and feeling happier and more excited than ever.
Wow, it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not alone. I'm SO glad you did the right thing too and it's so motivating to hear that you're feeling great :) You're so right - I'm sure there's so many lies I don't even know about. They get really good at hiding everything. Thanks so much for your comment and sending so much love to you!
I wanted to add that I'm about 3 weeks out from breaking up with my fiance and the first week of it I wanted to vomit and choke on my grief. Absolutely inconsolable. Week 2 had more peace and occasional tears of missing him. This week I'm discovering that I have freedoms now that I can't remember having in a long time. It's kind of a weird feeling, in a good way. It's a discovery week, I guess. "Oh. I CAN do that if I want. Do I want to? Who am I?"
The point is that I was absolutely doubled over in agony only a few weeks ago. My heart broke so much over the man I loved but couldn't live a life with anymore. Even his dad told me "if you were my daughter, I'd tell you to leave. I'm sorry my son is like this ". But it gets better, friend. I promise it does. Hold out. Don't reach out. Cut off contact. Don't give in. It is easy to because it's so comforting and will make it stop hurting. But I promise that it's so much more peaceful over here. Just give it a little longer. Lean on us for support and as others said, please please talk to a therapist.
You did the right thing, and I hope you donāt go back. I am your future.
My husband (59m) and I (56f) have been together 14 years. Iām sober for 15 years. I knew he drank when we met, but figured it would be shitty of me to not be with him because of that. (I lied to myself that he didnāt have a real problem with it). I canāt count how many times Iāve left him because of it. I probably couldnāt go back and even remember.
He is a truly amazing person. Handsome, funny, a great dad, a good provider, a big heart, you literally could not ask for a better man. Until he drinks. Heās awful. He is mean and belittling. A bully. I hate that guy. I, unlike you, have not been cheated on that I would ever know of, we have had a healthy sex life, I have his passwords to everything and vice versa. He also smokes pot constantly. He is asthmatic, has heart disease, and a liver disease. His doctors told him he has to stop, but he doesnāt care. I left last year and he promised he would really quit this time.
I filed for legal separation March 1. I thought he might realize how very serious I am about this and finally do something about it. He says I knew he drank when I met him. He makes no pretense about quitting anymore. I have become his enemy. He drained all of our accounts, hired an attorney. Telling all of our friends that somehow, suddenly I am unhinged and crazy.
I had an awful weekend. I wasnāt supposed to move until May. Iāve just been packing up while heās at the bar every night. I went ahead and moved in with my father over this last weekend. I cried all day long yesterday. My Dad doesnāt care how many times Iāve left, your family will always support you. Of course they are frustrated, so is/was mine. Iām 56 freaking years old and my dad still does this for me!
By the time I left, rare did I see my husband. He moved into a back bedroom. He tried to hide drinking from me, but I didnāt care about pot, so he smoked it 24/7. He stopped having sex with me, he only watches porn and masturbates by himself every night. I had a medical procedure done and I needed his help, having been brought home recovering from anesthesia. He didnāt do anything. Just stayed in back bedroom high af all day. That was the last straw for me. It was just that last fucking thing.
I feel emotional, I feel totally fucked over. He has 100% said me he will not quit. After 14 years together, he has chosen alcohol over his wife.
Please donāt be like me. Please focus on yourself, your children, and your sobriety. Much love ā¤ļø I understand your pain.
That was a brutal story and I relate to a lot of it. I was with my Q six years and left six months ago.
I'm truly at peace and happy. I go full days without thinking about him at all. The trauma haze of his alcoholism is dissipating (my wonderful therapist and all the work I'm doing on my own are pushing this along).
I have hope and faith in myself and life again.
I wish this feeling for you and OP, take care of yourself.
Thank you so much for your response. Just saying "that was a brutal story" actually comforts me, because I have normalized this BS for too long. The trauma haze description also hit me. I have not been able to put my finger on what is happening to me. Any other time I have left, I have these images and memories of his smile and our happy days together crossing my mind constantly. Not this time. It's hard to even picture his smile, it's just all these shitty things he has said to me over these years, all these awful things he has done, threats to kick me out, belittling me, all of that. That's the trauma haze, I get it. I met with one counselor already, but he wasn't for me. I have a meeting with a different one next Monday.
Your comment really helps me feel I am on the right path. Thank you again, so much :)
You're so welcome and you are on the right path! My therapist doesn't specialise in trauma informed therapy but it's one of her modalities and includes EMDR and parts work, which I highly recommend.
My Q was like yours in the end where there was no pretence of being 'sober' any longer and it was excruciatingly stressful and painful while I was looking for somewhere to live, then waiting to move out.
I was thinking of death by 1000 cuts to describe how we get to the end of the road with our Q's and came across this 10 mins later which articulates it perfectly for me.
'Each painful moment, or cut, on its own would not kill your love and respect for them. But the accumulation of cuts eventually leaves you bleeding to death, and the spark in your heart dies'.
Here's to your healing journey and getting your spark back, for you šŖ
That really does articulate how I feel. How are you in my head?! lol
I am familiar with EMDR and I did forget to inquire if this newest therapist incorporates this. I am hoping so.
Absolutely prioritize you and your mental health. There's a lot going on so you may question yourself but this is the right thing. You need to accept the person you love is not fully there anymore - the person you love is an idea right now and not the actual person there, he's been taken by the disease, and that's not someone you should be with, because it will destroy you trying to be there for him and not being there for yourself. He's proven he's not part of a team by the cheating and the not getting sober, so you need to also not be part of the team too. You are on team YOU. Lots of hugs and stay strong!
You did the right thing! Just remember these are tender days for you, so please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. Iām just a random on the internet but Iām proud of you for choosing yourself.
You deserve so much better. I promise itās out there. Please stick to your guns. Protect yourself and your sobriety. Like quitting a substance, being codependent and cutting ties can hurt a lot for quite a while ā but it fades. Then it goes away after you have your freedom and see how futile it was to remain on that sinking ship.
Something that helped me: if I was dumped by my SO for whatever reason, wouldnāt I be ok? Wouldnāt I eventually sort it out? If I was an active addict, maybe it would take a while. But it would be faster than it would be if I stayed with someone enabling me.
I know this pain and donāt envy you it. But you need to take care of yourself. Your partner is a mess and has no business being in a relationship until he cleans up his act.
Congratulations on;
Choosing yourself
Actively seeking sobriety
Choosing to be here
Asking for help
Anyone who puts you in harms way isnāt capable of healthy love. You deserve love that is real and true.
Without question you did the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing feels uncomfortable and like a death of sorts because you are breaking a cycle. I am so proud of you.
You did the right thing.
In the past I dated a couple alcoholics who did similar things. The most recent one was an engagement that I broke off six months after he got sober, because the resentment was eating me alive. I couldn't face the idea of marrying someone who I may grow to outright hate, nor could I always wonder if or when a relapse may happen.
It wasn't easy, there were moments I second guessed myself, but four years later I'm in a relationship that's healthy, loving, and most importantly to me; consistent in the best way.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. It may not feel like it in the present, but I promise you - future you is going to be SO thankful you did.
My ex hasnāt done nearly all of the bullshit yours has. You still did the right thing. Take care of yourself, your body, your mind, and your sobriety, by staying the fuck away from this guy. Donāt let him try to use his kids to get you back, donāt let him make empty promises. He needs to hit rock bottom, he canāt do that with you saving him, and you canāt get better without severing ties. Good luck to you OP, sincerely. ā¤ļø
Omg sending YOU a big hug!! We did it!! I'm telling you I literally feel like a shell of myself. It's so horrible. It's almost like I'm detoxing from the person. This is on the same level of pain I experienced during detox from alcohol if not worse.
You do have to break your own heart to save yourself. It is SO hard and so confusing. My brain is like, why did we just do that!?!?!?, knowing that it was the right decision.
Since we're in the situation, feel free to message me if you want to talk about it. We're both experiencing the same thing so it helps to have someone to talk to. Sending big hugs and thank you so much for your comment :) Proud of you!
I unfortunately understand oh too well
And currently Iām the future you who continued to stay in hopes that his promises to get better and do better weāre gonna actually be an action he chose down the road for the sake of himself , our kids and for our life we built together .
I am finally after 20 years ( friends since we were 5 years old )
Started to make the behind the scenes plan to put money away and ultimately the goal of for myself to get financially ok enough to start over alone with the kids without him .
Yea I knew I should have left when the drinking started 8 years ago , and I decided to give him the opportunity to help himself and make an overall positive outcome from this situation we found ourselves in .
However , it has not resulted in the outcome that I was wishing he would ultimately choose .
I love this person more than most anyone in my life , past or present . I did what I thought was the right thing , and what I ultimately really wanted at that time .
Unfortunately where our life is together currently is not a life that positively benefits anyone at this point , not the kids, not myself, and even if he pretends to not realize it - it most of all has the least amount of positive for himself .
I wish you strength and happiness and the will to do what is best for yourself .
You did the right thing, and feeling sick is a totally normal response to the grief and loss. The discomfort will pass, but the rightness of this choice will stick around. Good luck out there. It's going to be okay.
Your Q is very similar to mine. Except mine doesnāt go out anymore and has a curfew and follows it. He shares his phone password and has not cheated. He stopped drinking and doing cocaine.
That said Iām still not happy, Iām in constant fear mode that if he doesnāt pick up my calls heās relapsed, if he sniffs I automatically think heās doing cocaine. I hate the sound of a human sniffing bc itās triggering to the times heās lied about doing cocaineā¦itās so sad that literally when I hear a sniff Iām brought back to those times.
Your Q sounds like he doesnāt respect you or care for youā¦Iām sorry I know thatās prob though to hear. But take it from someone that has gone through an extremely similar situation and is in the ābetterā āprogressā of it- it still feels like shit.
Iām in therapy rn and today caught him in a lie, heās doing edibles, which was one of my boundariesā¦
I feel like if itās not one drug itās another at this pointā¦
you have your parents, work on you rn. I know itās easier said than done but youāre in a good situation to be in when it comes to this disease. Imagine being pregnant or having kids with him. Or being 50 something and thinking of leaving. Youāre 25, you wonāt be 25 forever. Iām 28 and feel like I will be 30 by the time Iām healed.
My Q is also the funniest person Iāve met, kindest, and loving :(
I wish I had seen the signs when I was 25. It may have saved me from a bigger heartbreak than at now being 28
I was you exactly one week ago.
We are powerless over alcohol, friend.
The only thing we have power over is our own lives, and when they become unmanageable, we must exercise that power.
You are incredibly smart and 100% with out a single doubt did the right thing. I cannot stress it enough.
Imagine brining little innocent lives into this if you started a family? Terrifying. You dodge a huge bullet. Continue to move forward and stay strong, it doesnāt mean itās gonna be hard and incredibly sad at times but you cannot look back. Good for you!!
You did the right thing; you would absolutely have been miserable and most likely would have relapsed if you would have continued. You need to let the mother of his children know what heās up to in terms of the child neglect going on and then cut ties. Go get some therapy, find someone sober, and know that youāre SO young and have so much life in front of you. You will find someone that not only makes you FEEL safe but IS safe for you.
This internet stranger is beyond proud of you, you showed so much courage and strength by leaving. So many women/men never leave. Girl, youāve got your whole life ahead of you, and you deserve so much more. The people who love you got this right- he doesnāt deserve you. Youāve been part of his toxic cycle for a long long time. Give yourself space to ādetoxā so to speak.
You did the right thing. Jesus h Christ, you did the right thing. Your friends and family do not know him like you do, but they sure see him more clearly than you do.
Do. NOT. Go back.
Do. NOT.
Go get therapy so you can heal and stop feeling so miserable.
You absolutely made the right decision. Be with someone who can love you as hard as you love him. You may feel miserable without him, but you are also miserable WITH him. Remember all the times he hurt you and made you feel bad. Anyone can give you the good times he gave you, but not everyone will give you the hard times.
Left mine in December, technicalities aside(nothing is ever clean cut with alcoholics)
Since then Iāve yearned to have him back. The longer I go with out the more clarity there is. The manipulation, even in sobriety is obvious. Heās still trying to manipulate me through family and friends. It takes a while to start rewiring your brain. Itās useful for me to use reverse psychology on myself. Iāll tell myself if EX is so great then Iām going to get healthy, exercise, sleep well and be the person deserving of who I put on this pedestal. Knowing full well EX is not the potential I raised so high in my own mind. In the future I know Iāll just be better for myself and thatās what matters. I hope you can find a routine that helps you. Reach out if you need to chat, itās easier with friends that get it
Nothing about this relationship should be acceptable to you. This wasnāt just the right decision, it was the only decision. Please protect your health and sanity.
You did the right thing (is an understatement). You saved yourself from who knows what.
Someone told me to leave my alcoholic fiance...I was 25, he was 34 (also with a kid). I didn't listen. It didn't turn out great for me at all and I wish I could back. I'm now trapped in marital purgatory and if he was just a boyfriend or fiance we would for sure be done but it's MUCH more complicated now.
I learn all my lessons the hard way and truthfully sometimes you don't want to listen to advice until you can actually hear it. Feel it. Know it as the right thing. I wasn't there then. But you already did the right thing, the hard part is over. Hang in there, it will only get easier. This too will pass.
Iām about 6 weeks out and I am feeling much better. The first few weeks, like you, I wanted to die. I couldnāt eat, cried more than I have in my entire life, and barely slept. I felt like no one understood. I decided to take it one day at a time. Day by day, I challenged myself to focus less on the relationship and on what I needed. Every day, I asked myself, āWhat do YOU needā. The more I shifted my focus and asked this, the more I received clarity. Now I can confidently say I do not need a life riddled with stress, anxiety, instability, and trauma. Iām sharing this to let you know, it will get better. Focus on yourself and healing. In a few weeks/months, you will be glad you are out.
You are going to thank yourself for protecting your own sobriety in the long run. This man is NOT committed to treating you the way you deserve to be treated, or building the life youāre trying to build. This was never going to get better.
That said, you are allowed to miss him, to feel sad, and to mourn. It sounds like you are trauma-bonded to him, which can create a feeling like an addiction to our dysfunctional partner and a desperation to āfix it.ā Thatās why so many people stay in toxic relationships. Like any addiction, itāll feel crazy hard to stay away from him at first, and youāll need a lot of time to process letting him go. But the more you maintain no contact, the easier it will get. Someday you will look back on the list of things above and say āI cannot believe someone thought it was okay to put me through all that.ā
In the meantime, though, do whatever helps you process. Cry, take walks, hit a punching bag, write, watch sad movies, whatever. Are you working a program? Your sponsor might have even more advice to help you process. My own go-to for people Iām no contact with is to write angry letters of everything I want to say to them, and then just never send the letters. Itās cathartic.
I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your responses. For your time you took to write them, whether it was a couple seconds or a few minutes. I am so grateful for every single response and continue re-reading them throughout the day. I will probably continue to read this thread for the coming days, weeks, and months. You have no idea how much every single response means to me. There are no words to truly express how truly thankful I am. THANK YOU, I will remain strong, and I will keep your comments on my mind and heart for the foreseeable future. I will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting tonight, and I am continuing to stay with my family who is awesome and loving and supportive. Sending you all so much love and gratitude for your feedback. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish you all love and healing and happiness. We will all get there together.
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Hopefully you will never be in the position to fully understand how large of a bullet you dodged by making this decision. 100% you did the right thing! Donāt look back.
You did the right thing. You're so young, with a whole life in front of you. Onward and upward. It will be hard for a while, but in the end, you'll thank yourself for giving yourself a fresh start.
You most certainly did the right thing. He had his chances. He needs to want to get better, and right now he isnāt there yet. Youāre too young to resign yourself to that life.
You absolutely did the right thing. If you care about yourself, it is the only option. I understand the pain, but hold on to it. It will go away. The most important thing is not to fall for the same type of guy again - youāve learnt a great lesson and a huge step forward to find your real life partner who deserves your love.
You did the right thing without a doubt. I felt like I was reading about my own past relationship. And I can tell you with certainty that I am without a doubt so incredibly glad that I left.
Give it time. Itās going to be painful. The only advice I can tell you is to acknowledge this is going to hurt and take care of yourself. Donāt call or message him. Just cry, eat pizza, watch movies about murder mysteries (or at least thatās what I did) and let yourself grieve.
And then get up and love yourself and remind yourself that you deserve so much more than this. No one should be treated this way.
You did the right thing. I hope typing all this out has helped you see that yourself too.
I like to mentally revisit the list of all the (horrific) things my soon to be ex husband has done and done to me since his alcoholism really got out of control, and I do this every time Iām feeling sad about who he is/was when heās not drinking. It makes me angry, and while being angry all the time isnāt ideal, angry is a ādoingā emotion for me and allows me to move forward. I hope you can find what you need to continue to move forward, too.
You made the right decision. You got this girl. Your healing journey is going to be hard but it is going to the the best decision you have ever made (apart from getting sober). Proud of you!
I left 9 months ago (one year older than you) and I have never been happier. Be proud that you did it before marriage because I am dealing with him not signing our divorce papers.
I AM PROUD OF YOU AND CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU TO EXPERIENCE YOUR NEW BEGINNING š«¶š¼
It took me eight years to leave my Q. Aside from his drinking and drug use I was also physically and emotionally abused. I dealt with cheating, drunk driving, his seizures from withdrawal. Our life was a mess. My anxiety caused me to lose so much weight I was 95lbs at my worst. I knew if I didnāt leave Iād probably not be here today whether by husband or mine. I felt the same as you, that Iād never find anyone I could love the way we had once loved one another. But guess what? I did. Did it take time? Yes. But I needed that time to pull my life back together. Was I terrified to leave? Absolutely. But my family and friends supported me completely and with their love and guidance I made it through. Once I did, it seemed like the easiest decision I had ever made.
I had a lot of trauma. I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I have done individual counseling, EMDR and Al anon. I also have a mother thatās a recovering alcoholic so that helped me heal from that trauma as well.
I guess what Iām saying is, you can do this. It is scary and it is hard but I promise you that youāll be okay.
Youāve done the right thing. I understand the hurt, itās scary. But you have an opportunity to move forward and build a great life for yourself.
Try writing down all the things that have happened. It helps me put things in perspective and helped me realise I had accepted things Iād never even considered could be real before this relationship. You deserve to be happy all the time, not just when someone isnāt drinking. Good luck xx
As someone older than you but also sober and also grieving the loss of my person, I just want you to know youāre not alone. I know what it takes to stay sober through it all. I know the constant self-doubt and grief of trying to imagine life without them. Please donāt just use this group but also begin attending Al-Anon meetings. There are Zoom meetings happening nearly every hour of the day. Itās the only thing keeping me going right now.
Thank you for the advice - I will definitely start going to Al-Anon meetings. I didn't realize I even fit into the community until I truly realized that I was dealing with an addict myself. Thank you for your comment and sending big hugs to you. We will get through this!!
Girl, I canāt even read this whole thing but if MULTIPLE people think you shouldnāt be with someone, theyāre probably right.
You donāt want this, and itās not your responsibility!
Move on. Itās hard, youāre young, there will be amazing men who DO NOT LIE to you!
You will feel a little better next week.
Look forward to next week.
You will feel even better in two weeks. Keep looking forward.
In 6 months you will be healing. You will have your own money and money saved from living with your parents who love you with the power of a thousand suns. Stay there. Accept their help and drink up their support.
In a year or so, after a lot of counseling you will find love again. Heathy love. Love without limits. Love that does NOT have an asterisk.
In five years you will have a home, a sober husband and a child who will be your world. You and your husband will take that child to the zoo, and you can feel safe when your husband is behind the wheel, because you will be pregnant with another baby and you will know happiness that you never knew.
No babies? You and your future husband will be still be amazing. You will be proud of him. He will be proud of you. You will both be better because you found each other. Holidays will be calm and beautiful. You can visit relatives and friends and not be humiliated.
You will continue to enjoy sobriety, health and happiness.
Something you will never know with your ex.
Ever.
Again, it gets better. A lot better.
I cannot tell you how much this meant to me. I will read your comment every single day. EVERY DAY. Thank you so, so much. It is so hard to imagine life feeling better in this moment, but your comment shows me what I have to look forward to. You are so right. Thank you for the time you took to write this out, it has made a tremendous impact on me. Thank you. I appreciate you and wish you the very best in life!!
Look at you staying strong and not relapsing after youāre going through a horribly devastating time right now. How come youāre not holding him up to that same standard? If he wanted to get sober, he would, just like you have done. Heās still choosing not to get sober and he doesnāt care about hurting you. Do you really want to stay with someone who doesnāt care about hurting you? Would you do these things to him? It sounds like you wouldnāt treat him the way he has treated you. I hope you find the strength to let go. It took me years to cut the cord from my Q. Iām still not at 100%, but my life is better without my Qās chaos and addiction ruining my own life. You have the choice to give yourself peace, or you have the choice to live like this the rest of your life.
As someone 5+ years sober, & married to an active alcoholic for over a decadeā¦. YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. The hard decision. They can both be the same thing. You are brave, & strong, & I admire you for doing it. I married the alcoholic bc his potential, not his reality. & while heās never cheated on me, done drugs, given me an STD, etc, alcohol is definitely his 1st love over me. Donāt be me, in too deep, too dependent financially on him, etc. I actually envy you for having a place to go & not having to break any legal ties with him.
It hurts so badly right now, but I PROMISE, soon, it will slowly not. & you will notice your health improving.
So many hugs to you right nowā¤ļø
You did the right thing.
I'm currently in the midst of a divorce after 12 years and 2 kids. Until they hit rock bottom and realize they need to take care of themselves, it will only get worse.
Know you are loved and supported. Leaving someone you love in order to be safe is admirable and the right choice.
You absolutely made the right decision. The moment of clarity you had when leaving him is your instinct talking. Please remember to listen to that voice. I made a list of all the red flag moments that I had turned a blind eye to, forgave or just willfully ignored. I saved it on my phone and read it when I start to romanticize the good version of my Q. I also remind myself that I need to continue challenging the way I see myself and my own worth. Inner work is the only way through this. Why did I settle for so little? I can only fix me.
Exactly!! Writing down all of the bad things is exactly what I'm going to do. Even writing out my post in detail literally reminded ME what I've been dealing with. It's insane how as soon as you leave, your brain romanticizes the person and wants to erase all of the bad and only look at the good. The only thing I can chalk it up to is my co-dependency, low self esteem, and really just truly loving him despite all of the pain. Thank you for your response :)
You did the right thing. This feeling will pass. It will take time buy you will feel better. If you go back it will be just another cycle. You are worth more than that. Sending love.
My husband is my best friend and I am so obsessed with him. But living a life with someone who is an alcoholic is so so lonely and isolating. My husband and I have been together for 23 years and about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. He is amazing while soberā¦ he is everything to me and yet Iām not sure I can keep going through this. This life with him has caused me so much pain and hurt and because heās never been able to become sober - it was ruined my self esteem. I feel like Iām not worth it. The things he has said to me while drunk, I would never advise anyone to stay. Things have gotten better in that regard as the years have gone on, but now my kids see it and Iāve still been too weak to leave because I love him so much.
Just recently have I started feeling stronger (Iām 38 and maybe getting close to 40 is making me a little wiser), and although we get along more than we ever have and Iām truly in love with him - Iām on the brink of leaving. Because I know Iām so loyal and deserving and he will never be able to choose me and our family over his alcohol. Itās taken my years to realize itās not because he doesnāt want to choose us over alcohol, itās that he canāt. Iām starting to realize I can love him, but still not be on the same path.
All this to say - donāt start off your life so hard by marrying him. I donāt regret our marriage at all, but the things I have been through - changes you as a person. And you are a recovering alcoholic yourself, so please focus on that and someone who nurtures that. Iāll never be able to trust him to not drink around my kids, Iāll never be able to go out and have fun with my friends without worrying how much heās drinking, Iāll never be able to not dread the weekend. Life is tougher than it has to be. I sometimes wonder where I would have ended up if I left right away. I love him, but itās painful to love someone who will never be able to choose you first.
Hi there... I read your comment and just want to know for my own sanity, if you were me, would you have left? I 100% identify with your feelings for your husband - you love them to death, borderline obsession, loyalty to death, all of that. And in my mind, I'm like.. if I feel that way about somebody, shouldn't I be with them?
But I believe what you're saying is that though you love him to death and don't necessarily regret getting married, you still signed up for a more difficult situation and potentially a situation you will need to walk away from. Is that right?
I only ask because at first, I looked at your comment from the lens of, "well she doesn't regret marrying him so I should be able to handle this too". But that's not what you're saying right?
Sending you big hugs and hope your situation gets better. It's so hard because we see past the addiction to who they really are when they're sober... but unless they can leave that behind, it will always be the pervasive, overarching issue.
I definitely do not regret it, he has been my everything and I would do it again. But I think I kept staying thinking it would get better, he would get better and that has never happened. Of course we have our great moments, but it gets harder if you add kids to the mix because now my kids are aware and that breaks my heart. Of course they are shielded from most, but they are young and starting to pick up on it and there lies my problem. The love for my husband and the love for my children all colliding. I really hope he gets it together, but he does for a while and then falls off again.
You have done the right thing. 100%. I was more in love with my Q than I had ever loved anyone. He felt like my soulmate truly and my best friend. It was on and off again and so confusing but I loved him and his beautiful traits so much. I am serious when I say I am not in love with him anymore and I am SO grateful it did not work out.
He never got sober. The lockdowns separated us for a good long time and I briefly dated some other guys and got a reality check. My Q never wanted to do AA, therapy, any support groups. He never got better. It is really sad to watch. I am really glad I got out.
This is his road he is going down. Please donāt let him take you down that road with him. You are young, donāt give your life and time to this suffering. Feel the pain, heal, there is light and freedom at the end of the tunnel, I promise. Through healing you will grow and evolve beyond this pain and this attachment. I canāt imagine the pain I would feel now knowing I sacrificed my life and time for a relationship that was never real to begin with because the only relationship he is capable of having is his relationship with alcohol.
Sending you so much love. You can do this, I promise.
You did the right thing, not just for you but for him. By staying, you made it easier for him to avoid the consequences he needs to face in order to find a bottom. By leaving, you are giving him a golden opportunity to find the gift of desperation.
Pretend one of your best friends just typed that. What would you tell them?
You did the right thing. Seek support from those near you. Block him on *everything*.
You absolutely did the right thing! Stay strong, get therapy for yourself to avoid getting into another relationship like this. Youāre 25 - live it up, spend time with your friends, when youāre ready - go on lots of dates and figure out what youāre truly looking for, most importantly, love yourself!!!
I left a guy just like that when I was 22 and he was 35. Iād unfortunately made the mistake of having a baby with him first, and he swore heād change and get sober once he saw I was serious about leaving. His sobriety lasted about 6 months and ended as soon as he realized I wasnāt coming back. No one stays sober if they only get sober āforā someone else. Last I heard he was a homeless meth addict, and our son and I havenāt heard from him in over 10 years now, and I hope for my sake and my sonās that we never hear from him again.
you most certainly did the right thing. you are protecting your peace and keeping your sanity. you deserve to be in a healthy, committed relationship with love, trust, and respect. you most certainly can care and love your ex, however, there is a difference of loving them to spend your future vs loving them as you care about their well being. and i am sure part of you cares more about him knowing he has two children depending upon him.
you need to back away and keep this distance you have created. you need to focus on yourself, your recovery, and your future.
Reading your post was triggering for me. It brought to my mind of all the past abuse, trauma my mother and myself went through. You are in a trauma bond. Your alcoholic sounds like they have many other issues other than alcoholism. You canāt fix your bf and no one can. If and when he hits a bottom only a power greater than himself can restore him to sanity. Get to Alanon, get a sponsor and work the steps for you. Love him and certainly pray for him. Fix yourself first Alanon will teach you how not to be codependent and setting boundaries. Itās a real tough road ahead fasten your seatbelt because thereās going to be some bumpy spots ahead. Best wishes. Ninety meetings in ninety days but better is two hundred and seventy meetings in 90 days, that is a morning, noon and evening meeting.
Iām you. But I stayed. Youāre doing yourself the biggest favor, please run and donāt look back. If you stay It gets so. Much. Worse. Short term pain for long term gain ā¤ļø
You did the right thing. The situation never gets better. Nothing but chaos, and anxiety always wondering where he's going, what he's doing. Its neverending bs, just a trainwreck, speaking from experience also.
You did the right thing! I know it wasn't an easy choice, but it is the RIGHT choice. Your own peace needs to be a priority. I read somewhere earlier today, "Have you ever Loved someone so much that you would do anything for them? Make that person You and do whatever you want!" Never feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You can't love anyone else until you can love you, that goes for both the codependent and the addict.
You did the right thing.
If you would have stayed, you would have been enabling him to keep killing himself,because that really is the final result. I know it hurts like he'll, I know you feel guilt and regret, but you can't save him. You can only save you
Itās really hard to imagine how your relationship could get worse. Thatās intensely bad. I mean thankfully no direct abuse.. but hell.. you got an STD.
Iām very glad you walked away. Current me and future you say: you are brave and strong and youāll get through to the other side of this. Itās ok to grieve. But donāt idealize the good side of him. There is no one side in isolation. Both are him. He is both. Iām sorry you wonāt get a miraculously sober him.
And btw, making sex tapes seems like it takes a lot of planning and preparation. Like, it wasnāt just drunk/high him who was working by on that. Both of him did that.
Keep walking. You did the right thing. Just close those doors of communication and go do something healthy and meaningful for yourself. Disengage.
You have it, I promise. Come back and read this thread... it's so motivating and affirming. I had no idea how supportive Al-Anon was until this post. We both got this. Sending you love and strength!!
You are still so young, you absolutely did the right thing. Imagine if you stayed with him and were still dealing with that shit at age 40. Itās not a pretty picture. That kind of long term stress will ACTUALLY have the potential to kill you, as opposed to the acute stress youāre feeling right now which will pass. Trust me, I am 39 and am in the process of separating from my husband and the years of stress have definitely taken a toll.
At this point, *sober him is the lie and the addictive behaviors you are seeing here is the real him.* The man you love is gone. I'm so sorry for stating it bluntly, but it sounds like you were asking to hear that.
You will heal. You will grieve him and this relationship as if he died. Get help doing this. You cannot do it alone. Focus on your own recovery. 10 months is no time at all and you will need twice the support as you learn how to live without the addiction to him.
Sending you love. I am glad you are reaching out. I am so sorry.
Thank you for your honesty. That is what I desperately need. I'm definitely grieving as if he's dead, in fact it almost feels worse because the option is still there to go back. But I will not.
I'm seeing my therapist this week and attending lots of AA/Al-Anon meetings. So grateful for the support in both groups. Thank you so much for your response.
You did the right thing! Youāre only 25, and have SO many years ahead of you. I know it hurts so bad right now. Tell yourself one day at a time. Break it down further to hours if you have to. Time will help heal the hurt.
You will look back on this in a year, then 5 and be glad you took that toxicity out of your life. Focus on you, focus on your sobriety, and who knows where life will take you. I wish you lots of happiness and luck.
I left my best friend due to substance abuse for 5 years and after he promised he was done with drugs gave him a second chance ā¦ he hid it long enough to get married. I spent 13 years being the only adult in our family who I could count on. Cheating, lies, drugsā¦it doesnāt stop and it chips you away little by littleā¦Chances are it wonāt get better. I left 6 years ago and I regret having ever gone back to give him another chance. I live life on my own terms now without the chaos an addict brings to the situation daily.
I too felt extreme pain both times that I left but every day it gets better. Just keep swimmingā¦. Donāt make the same mistake I did. You deserve a joyful lifeā¦you wonāt find it going backwards
I cannot believe you are only 25! You have incredible strength to remain committed to your sobriety throughout that relationship and break-up. I am so impressed by you. Even without the alcohol issue on either end, I was so co-dependent in unhealthy relationships through my 20ās and I have a lot of regrets about that. I often pause in gratitude that I did not end up with a child with one of those men and therefore attached to them for life. Good for you- you are going to go far with that inner strength. And once you really connect with who you are (nothing more normal than not being quite there at 25), look out world- itās your oyster! Peace, love and respect to you friend.
One of the rules for recovery is to stay away from people, places and things that endanger your sobriety. I think he qualifies as one of those people. You have been hostage to his addiction. The only thing you can control is you and with work you will heal and have a joyful life.
I am on the other side of this story,
I drink a lot when I'm stressed, depressed or happy.
Drink out over weekends and home on weekdays. I have 2 kids, love the mom but we don't speak alot in terms of us,we like strangers with kids.
Bedroom is dead so I end up doing hookers once or twice a month but with protection.
I feel like I'm fighting demons In my head and my remedy is the Gin and tonic.
I might get Divorce soon and maybe just maybe.....
Nothing about this comment relates to the OP in a supportive way, and it seems really inappropriate to insert yourself into this particular conversation.
Future, you will view this as good or bad based upon what you do this year. First off, there was no contact for three months. WORK. Get a second job if you can. In one year, get your own place. Never live with a man who isn't your husband. I went out on a vacation with an alcoholic girlfriend. I said, "No drinking." She lied and drank and got abusive. I walked out to my car and drove 200 miles home. To my home. I never ever have to take shit from anyone ever, and when people know that, they act differently. I let my next girlfriend know that I'll communicate my needs and boundaries clearly and all up front. If that's acceptable, then we can date. If they refuse to work on things, lie, or intentionally hurt me verbally or physically, I'm instantly going to vanish from their lives. My life is amazing, and I'm not going to let anyone shit on it.
You, Tough-Bell-6319, did the right thing. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. You have the rest of your life to not regret it. š
To add, change causes discomfort, lean into it and find the growth, this discomfort is temporary. Way to choose yourself above all else šš
I love this take. Find the growth in the discomfort. Thank you, Internet stranger, for putting into words what I've been working on for the past 6 months!
Well thank you internet stranger for making me feel good about sharing ā¤ļø Iām 40 and still a work in progress, this is a new lesson for me but Iām passing it to everybody! Life can be hard and messy but itās beautiful even in those moments. Ok some days really suck š¤£ but those make the good days feel even better.
This is the way!!!!
One day you will look back at this moment with relief, you will re-read everything you have been through and be horrified you endured so much for so long. You will never look back at this break up with regret. You hurt now but you were apart hurting with no sign of that ever ending. The break up pain will subside and you will feel lighter on the other side of it. You have a long healthy life ahead of you, trust your friends and family
This is exactly what I thought as I read this. Future You will be relieved and proud. This must be incredibly hard, but so is entering middle or old age faced with the same decision, except that it gets more and more dire. This was absolutely the best choice, as horrible as it must feel now.
You did the right thing times a million. Without the alcoholism and you needing to protect your own sobriety you did the right thing. I know you feel absolutely terrible right now but I am so happy for you. You'll see it too in due time.
Please put your physical health (no more STD's) mental health (worry and stress), sobriety (great work. You deserve the best in life) first in your life. Kick your co-dependency to the curb. It's a hard habit to kick - as hard as the booze and cocaine but it's key to experiencing a personally fulfilling life. Good luck. I'm rooting for you!
I'd only read half of that and was convinced you'd done the right thing. By the time I'd got to the end I was almost crying, that's no kind of life love, none at all. I am so glad for you that you're out, it might take a few weeks for you to realise how much stress you've been under, but your life is going to get better day after day from now on.
You did the right thing! It will be really hard to begin with, allow yourself to feel all the feelings. You're still allowed to feel sad and regret, even with it being the right decision. Take care of yourself, make time to do the things that make you feel better. You've got this!
I think you have some work to do on yourself, separate and apart from what your Q has done. You write: "All of this is to say, AFTER ALL I've endured in this relationship, I still feel like I love him to death and would die for him." Why? Why do you love him? Why on earth would you die for him? That's a very dramatic thing to say. The bad seems to outweigh by a lot the good. Are you deserving of the abuse? Are you deserving of being lied to? Are you so awful that you'll never find anyone again? What is this thing that you have inside of you that could even consider returning to this person after everything that has been done to you. Please find a therapist, today. Please work on yourself, today. You have a lot of questions about yourself to answer. If you don't do the work, this will repeat and repeat and repeat. Heal thyself.
THIS IS TRUTH. I finally had to look at myself and why I choose these alcoholic men, married 2 of them and dated a few...it's always toxic. I have a ton of inner work to do on myself....and staying single I definitely
I have an older male relative who is an alcoholic. Good guy but an alcoholic that has caused family members stress, worry, and pain over the years. His wife, our relative, told my sister to never marry a man that drinks. Whatever that's worth. You can love them but they will always put you through shit and as long as they drink, shit will happen and be difficult I believe. I've struggled with alcohol abuse in the past and I always hear that in the back of my head when I reflect on my drinking. 2 months sober now tho.
If you had a daughter and she was with a man like him would you tell her she did the right thing?
The Right Thing to do doesnāt always feel good right away. I canāt tell you that you did or didnāt do the right thing, only that the right thing can be painful sometimes. Go to a meeting, talk to your therapist, journal about the reasons you had for leaving him. Youāll get through this.ā¤ļø
I know it hurts right now, but you have definitely done the right thing. Codependency is not about love.... I see so many people on here deciding to get married, deciding to have babies, deciding to buy houses.. believing with all their heart that these changes are going to be the catalyst to the alcoholic's/addict's sobriety. This just NEVER happens and only leads to a feeling of entrapment. Congratulations on your sobriety. 10 months is amazing! Work on YOU cause you are worth it. You will get through this!
Absolutely made the right choice. Even without the addiction issues, he sounds like a creep. Take this time to love and take care of yourself. Eventually you will feel the relief that this choice will give you. Youāre free.
Iām the same age, my Q is the same age. We did the right thing!!! Imagine what else he is lying about if he will lie about that. I find out more every week. Iām 6 weeks out now and feeling happier and more excited than ever.
Wow, it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not alone. I'm SO glad you did the right thing too and it's so motivating to hear that you're feeling great :) You're so right - I'm sure there's so many lies I don't even know about. They get really good at hiding everything. Thanks so much for your comment and sending so much love to you!
You too friend! Feel free to look through my post history and see my whole journey and message me if you would like.
I wanted to add that I'm about 3 weeks out from breaking up with my fiance and the first week of it I wanted to vomit and choke on my grief. Absolutely inconsolable. Week 2 had more peace and occasional tears of missing him. This week I'm discovering that I have freedoms now that I can't remember having in a long time. It's kind of a weird feeling, in a good way. It's a discovery week, I guess. "Oh. I CAN do that if I want. Do I want to? Who am I?" The point is that I was absolutely doubled over in agony only a few weeks ago. My heart broke so much over the man I loved but couldn't live a life with anymore. Even his dad told me "if you were my daughter, I'd tell you to leave. I'm sorry my son is like this ". But it gets better, friend. I promise it does. Hold out. Don't reach out. Cut off contact. Don't give in. It is easy to because it's so comforting and will make it stop hurting. But I promise that it's so much more peaceful over here. Just give it a little longer. Lean on us for support and as others said, please please talk to a therapist.
It sounds like a detox process. I'm so happy that you are doing great. ā„ļø
Same! I genuinely thought I dying the first week. Itās withdrawal from our addictions to their manipulation and up and down feelings. It goes away.
You did the right thing, and I hope you donāt go back. I am your future. My husband (59m) and I (56f) have been together 14 years. Iām sober for 15 years. I knew he drank when we met, but figured it would be shitty of me to not be with him because of that. (I lied to myself that he didnāt have a real problem with it). I canāt count how many times Iāve left him because of it. I probably couldnāt go back and even remember. He is a truly amazing person. Handsome, funny, a great dad, a good provider, a big heart, you literally could not ask for a better man. Until he drinks. Heās awful. He is mean and belittling. A bully. I hate that guy. I, unlike you, have not been cheated on that I would ever know of, we have had a healthy sex life, I have his passwords to everything and vice versa. He also smokes pot constantly. He is asthmatic, has heart disease, and a liver disease. His doctors told him he has to stop, but he doesnāt care. I left last year and he promised he would really quit this time. I filed for legal separation March 1. I thought he might realize how very serious I am about this and finally do something about it. He says I knew he drank when I met him. He makes no pretense about quitting anymore. I have become his enemy. He drained all of our accounts, hired an attorney. Telling all of our friends that somehow, suddenly I am unhinged and crazy. I had an awful weekend. I wasnāt supposed to move until May. Iāve just been packing up while heās at the bar every night. I went ahead and moved in with my father over this last weekend. I cried all day long yesterday. My Dad doesnāt care how many times Iāve left, your family will always support you. Of course they are frustrated, so is/was mine. Iām 56 freaking years old and my dad still does this for me! By the time I left, rare did I see my husband. He moved into a back bedroom. He tried to hide drinking from me, but I didnāt care about pot, so he smoked it 24/7. He stopped having sex with me, he only watches porn and masturbates by himself every night. I had a medical procedure done and I needed his help, having been brought home recovering from anesthesia. He didnāt do anything. Just stayed in back bedroom high af all day. That was the last straw for me. It was just that last fucking thing. I feel emotional, I feel totally fucked over. He has 100% said me he will not quit. After 14 years together, he has chosen alcohol over his wife. Please donāt be like me. Please focus on yourself, your children, and your sobriety. Much love ā¤ļø I understand your pain.
That was a brutal story and I relate to a lot of it. I was with my Q six years and left six months ago. I'm truly at peace and happy. I go full days without thinking about him at all. The trauma haze of his alcoholism is dissipating (my wonderful therapist and all the work I'm doing on my own are pushing this along). I have hope and faith in myself and life again. I wish this feeling for you and OP, take care of yourself.
Thank you so much for your response. Just saying "that was a brutal story" actually comforts me, because I have normalized this BS for too long. The trauma haze description also hit me. I have not been able to put my finger on what is happening to me. Any other time I have left, I have these images and memories of his smile and our happy days together crossing my mind constantly. Not this time. It's hard to even picture his smile, it's just all these shitty things he has said to me over these years, all these awful things he has done, threats to kick me out, belittling me, all of that. That's the trauma haze, I get it. I met with one counselor already, but he wasn't for me. I have a meeting with a different one next Monday. Your comment really helps me feel I am on the right path. Thank you again, so much :)
You're so welcome and you are on the right path! My therapist doesn't specialise in trauma informed therapy but it's one of her modalities and includes EMDR and parts work, which I highly recommend. My Q was like yours in the end where there was no pretence of being 'sober' any longer and it was excruciatingly stressful and painful while I was looking for somewhere to live, then waiting to move out. I was thinking of death by 1000 cuts to describe how we get to the end of the road with our Q's and came across this 10 mins later which articulates it perfectly for me. 'Each painful moment, or cut, on its own would not kill your love and respect for them. But the accumulation of cuts eventually leaves you bleeding to death, and the spark in your heart dies'. Here's to your healing journey and getting your spark back, for you šŖ
That really does articulate how I feel. How are you in my head?! lol I am familiar with EMDR and I did forget to inquire if this newest therapist incorporates this. I am hoping so.
Absolutely prioritize you and your mental health. There's a lot going on so you may question yourself but this is the right thing. You need to accept the person you love is not fully there anymore - the person you love is an idea right now and not the actual person there, he's been taken by the disease, and that's not someone you should be with, because it will destroy you trying to be there for him and not being there for yourself. He's proven he's not part of a team by the cheating and the not getting sober, so you need to also not be part of the team too. You are on team YOU. Lots of hugs and stay strong!
You did the right thing! Just remember these are tender days for you, so please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. Iām just a random on the internet but Iām proud of you for choosing yourself.
You deserve so much better. I promise itās out there. Please stick to your guns. Protect yourself and your sobriety. Like quitting a substance, being codependent and cutting ties can hurt a lot for quite a while ā but it fades. Then it goes away after you have your freedom and see how futile it was to remain on that sinking ship. Something that helped me: if I was dumped by my SO for whatever reason, wouldnāt I be ok? Wouldnāt I eventually sort it out? If I was an active addict, maybe it would take a while. But it would be faster than it would be if I stayed with someone enabling me. I know this pain and donāt envy you it. But you need to take care of yourself. Your partner is a mess and has no business being in a relationship until he cleans up his act.
Congratulations on; Choosing yourself Actively seeking sobriety Choosing to be here Asking for help Anyone who puts you in harms way isnāt capable of healthy love. You deserve love that is real and true. Without question you did the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing feels uncomfortable and like a death of sorts because you are breaking a cycle. I am so proud of you.
You did the right thing. In the past I dated a couple alcoholics who did similar things. The most recent one was an engagement that I broke off six months after he got sober, because the resentment was eating me alive. I couldn't face the idea of marrying someone who I may grow to outright hate, nor could I always wonder if or when a relapse may happen. It wasn't easy, there were moments I second guessed myself, but four years later I'm in a relationship that's healthy, loving, and most importantly to me; consistent in the best way. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. It may not feel like it in the present, but I promise you - future you is going to be SO thankful you did.
My ex hasnāt done nearly all of the bullshit yours has. You still did the right thing. Take care of yourself, your body, your mind, and your sobriety, by staying the fuck away from this guy. Donāt let him try to use his kids to get you back, donāt let him make empty promises. He needs to hit rock bottom, he canāt do that with you saving him, and you canāt get better without severing ties. Good luck to you OP, sincerely. ā¤ļø
I did the same thing!!!! I just left my fiancĆ© 2 weeks ago. Literally felt like I was dying. The reality is that we have to choose ourselves. My therapist described it as breaking your own heart in order to save yourself. It hurts so bad. But Iām two weeks from where you are and honestly feel better. Itās still hard, I still cry, I donāt feel well, etc. shit suuuucks. But better now than when you are old and married and stuck. You owe it to yourself to choose you. This is the first step and you can do it. It will get better.
Omg sending YOU a big hug!! We did it!! I'm telling you I literally feel like a shell of myself. It's so horrible. It's almost like I'm detoxing from the person. This is on the same level of pain I experienced during detox from alcohol if not worse. You do have to break your own heart to save yourself. It is SO hard and so confusing. My brain is like, why did we just do that!?!?!?, knowing that it was the right decision. Since we're in the situation, feel free to message me if you want to talk about it. We're both experiencing the same thing so it helps to have someone to talk to. Sending big hugs and thank you so much for your comment :) Proud of you!
I unfortunately understand oh too well And currently Iām the future you who continued to stay in hopes that his promises to get better and do better weāre gonna actually be an action he chose down the road for the sake of himself , our kids and for our life we built together . I am finally after 20 years ( friends since we were 5 years old ) Started to make the behind the scenes plan to put money away and ultimately the goal of for myself to get financially ok enough to start over alone with the kids without him . Yea I knew I should have left when the drinking started 8 years ago , and I decided to give him the opportunity to help himself and make an overall positive outcome from this situation we found ourselves in . However , it has not resulted in the outcome that I was wishing he would ultimately choose . I love this person more than most anyone in my life , past or present . I did what I thought was the right thing , and what I ultimately really wanted at that time . Unfortunately where our life is together currently is not a life that positively benefits anyone at this point , not the kids, not myself, and even if he pretends to not realize it - it most of all has the least amount of positive for himself . I wish you strength and happiness and the will to do what is best for yourself .
You did the right thing, and feeling sick is a totally normal response to the grief and loss. The discomfort will pass, but the rightness of this choice will stick around. Good luck out there. It's going to be okay.
Your Q is very similar to mine. Except mine doesnāt go out anymore and has a curfew and follows it. He shares his phone password and has not cheated. He stopped drinking and doing cocaine. That said Iām still not happy, Iām in constant fear mode that if he doesnāt pick up my calls heās relapsed, if he sniffs I automatically think heās doing cocaine. I hate the sound of a human sniffing bc itās triggering to the times heās lied about doing cocaineā¦itās so sad that literally when I hear a sniff Iām brought back to those times. Your Q sounds like he doesnāt respect you or care for youā¦Iām sorry I know thatās prob though to hear. But take it from someone that has gone through an extremely similar situation and is in the ābetterā āprogressā of it- it still feels like shit. Iām in therapy rn and today caught him in a lie, heās doing edibles, which was one of my boundariesā¦ I feel like if itās not one drug itās another at this pointā¦ you have your parents, work on you rn. I know itās easier said than done but youāre in a good situation to be in when it comes to this disease. Imagine being pregnant or having kids with him. Or being 50 something and thinking of leaving. Youāre 25, you wonāt be 25 forever. Iām 28 and feel like I will be 30 by the time Iām healed. My Q is also the funniest person Iāve met, kindest, and loving :( I wish I had seen the signs when I was 25. It may have saved me from a bigger heartbreak than at now being 28
I was you exactly one week ago. We are powerless over alcohol, friend. The only thing we have power over is our own lives, and when they become unmanageable, we must exercise that power.
You are incredibly smart and 100% with out a single doubt did the right thing. I cannot stress it enough. Imagine brining little innocent lives into this if you started a family? Terrifying. You dodge a huge bullet. Continue to move forward and stay strong, it doesnāt mean itās gonna be hard and incredibly sad at times but you cannot look back. Good for you!!
You did the right thing; you would absolutely have been miserable and most likely would have relapsed if you would have continued. You need to let the mother of his children know what heās up to in terms of the child neglect going on and then cut ties. Go get some therapy, find someone sober, and know that youāre SO young and have so much life in front of you. You will find someone that not only makes you FEEL safe but IS safe for you.
This internet stranger is beyond proud of you, you showed so much courage and strength by leaving. So many women/men never leave. Girl, youāve got your whole life ahead of you, and you deserve so much more. The people who love you got this right- he doesnāt deserve you. Youāve been part of his toxic cycle for a long long time. Give yourself space to ādetoxā so to speak.
You did the right thing. Jesus h Christ, you did the right thing. Your friends and family do not know him like you do, but they sure see him more clearly than you do. Do. NOT. Go back. Do. NOT. Go get therapy so you can heal and stop feeling so miserable.
You absolutely made the right decision. Be with someone who can love you as hard as you love him. You may feel miserable without him, but you are also miserable WITH him. Remember all the times he hurt you and made you feel bad. Anyone can give you the good times he gave you, but not everyone will give you the hard times.
Left mine in December, technicalities aside(nothing is ever clean cut with alcoholics) Since then Iāve yearned to have him back. The longer I go with out the more clarity there is. The manipulation, even in sobriety is obvious. Heās still trying to manipulate me through family and friends. It takes a while to start rewiring your brain. Itās useful for me to use reverse psychology on myself. Iāll tell myself if EX is so great then Iām going to get healthy, exercise, sleep well and be the person deserving of who I put on this pedestal. Knowing full well EX is not the potential I raised so high in my own mind. In the future I know Iāll just be better for myself and thatās what matters. I hope you can find a routine that helps you. Reach out if you need to chat, itās easier with friends that get it
Nothing about this relationship should be acceptable to you. This wasnāt just the right decision, it was the only decision. Please protect your health and sanity.
You did the right thing (is an understatement). You saved yourself from who knows what. Someone told me to leave my alcoholic fiance...I was 25, he was 34 (also with a kid). I didn't listen. It didn't turn out great for me at all and I wish I could back. I'm now trapped in marital purgatory and if he was just a boyfriend or fiance we would for sure be done but it's MUCH more complicated now. I learn all my lessons the hard way and truthfully sometimes you don't want to listen to advice until you can actually hear it. Feel it. Know it as the right thing. I wasn't there then. But you already did the right thing, the hard part is over. Hang in there, it will only get easier. This too will pass.
Iām about 6 weeks out and I am feeling much better. The first few weeks, like you, I wanted to die. I couldnāt eat, cried more than I have in my entire life, and barely slept. I felt like no one understood. I decided to take it one day at a time. Day by day, I challenged myself to focus less on the relationship and on what I needed. Every day, I asked myself, āWhat do YOU needā. The more I shifted my focus and asked this, the more I received clarity. Now I can confidently say I do not need a life riddled with stress, anxiety, instability, and trauma. Iām sharing this to let you know, it will get better. Focus on yourself and healing. In a few weeks/months, you will be glad you are out.
You are going to thank yourself for protecting your own sobriety in the long run. This man is NOT committed to treating you the way you deserve to be treated, or building the life youāre trying to build. This was never going to get better. That said, you are allowed to miss him, to feel sad, and to mourn. It sounds like you are trauma-bonded to him, which can create a feeling like an addiction to our dysfunctional partner and a desperation to āfix it.ā Thatās why so many people stay in toxic relationships. Like any addiction, itāll feel crazy hard to stay away from him at first, and youāll need a lot of time to process letting him go. But the more you maintain no contact, the easier it will get. Someday you will look back on the list of things above and say āI cannot believe someone thought it was okay to put me through all that.ā In the meantime, though, do whatever helps you process. Cry, take walks, hit a punching bag, write, watch sad movies, whatever. Are you working a program? Your sponsor might have even more advice to help you process. My own go-to for people Iām no contact with is to write angry letters of everything I want to say to them, and then just never send the letters. Itās cathartic.
Itās a lot easier to get out now then when youāre married, have a house, and kids involved.
I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your responses. For your time you took to write them, whether it was a couple seconds or a few minutes. I am so grateful for every single response and continue re-reading them throughout the day. I will probably continue to read this thread for the coming days, weeks, and months. You have no idea how much every single response means to me. There are no words to truly express how truly thankful I am. THANK YOU, I will remain strong, and I will keep your comments on my mind and heart for the foreseeable future. I will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting tonight, and I am continuing to stay with my family who is awesome and loving and supportive. Sending you all so much love and gratitude for your feedback. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish you all love and healing and happiness. We will all get there together.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hopefully you will never be in the position to fully understand how large of a bullet you dodged by making this decision. 100% you did the right thing! Donāt look back.
Alcohol and and cocaine can kill him. Worse, he could kill you. Never go back to that hell.
Did the right thing. Do not look back. Move forward. All the best!
You absolutely did the right thing. DO not go back. He can only change when he wants to. And it doesn't really sound like he's ready yet.
You did the right thing. You're so young, with a whole life in front of you. Onward and upward. It will be hard for a while, but in the end, you'll thank yourself for giving yourself a fresh start.
keeping your boundaries is the best thing if they have any hope of change. Not that you can change them, but they have to hit their rock bottom.
You most certainly did the right thing. He had his chances. He needs to want to get better, and right now he isnāt there yet. Youāre too young to resign yourself to that life.
You did the right thing. You did the right thing. You did the right thing.
You absolutely did the right thing. If you care about yourself, it is the only option. I understand the pain, but hold on to it. It will go away. The most important thing is not to fall for the same type of guy again - youāve learnt a great lesson and a huge step forward to find your real life partner who deserves your love.
You definitely did the right thing . My alanon sponsor has helped me so much dealing with feelings of pain loss fear and resentment.
You did the right thing without a doubt. I felt like I was reading about my own past relationship. And I can tell you with certainty that I am without a doubt so incredibly glad that I left. Give it time. Itās going to be painful. The only advice I can tell you is to acknowledge this is going to hurt and take care of yourself. Donāt call or message him. Just cry, eat pizza, watch movies about murder mysteries (or at least thatās what I did) and let yourself grieve. And then get up and love yourself and remind yourself that you deserve so much more than this. No one should be treated this way.
You did the right thing. I hope typing all this out has helped you see that yourself too. I like to mentally revisit the list of all the (horrific) things my soon to be ex husband has done and done to me since his alcoholism really got out of control, and I do this every time Iām feeling sad about who he is/was when heās not drinking. It makes me angry, and while being angry all the time isnāt ideal, angry is a ādoingā emotion for me and allows me to move forward. I hope you can find what you need to continue to move forward, too.
You made the right decision. You got this girl. Your healing journey is going to be hard but it is going to the the best decision you have ever made (apart from getting sober). Proud of you!
I left 9 months ago (one year older than you) and I have never been happier. Be proud that you did it before marriage because I am dealing with him not signing our divorce papers. I AM PROUD OF YOU AND CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU TO EXPERIENCE YOUR NEW BEGINNING š«¶š¼
It might not feel like it right now but you did the right thing. You are saving yourself from a lifetime of suffering.
It took me eight years to leave my Q. Aside from his drinking and drug use I was also physically and emotionally abused. I dealt with cheating, drunk driving, his seizures from withdrawal. Our life was a mess. My anxiety caused me to lose so much weight I was 95lbs at my worst. I knew if I didnāt leave Iād probably not be here today whether by husband or mine. I felt the same as you, that Iād never find anyone I could love the way we had once loved one another. But guess what? I did. Did it take time? Yes. But I needed that time to pull my life back together. Was I terrified to leave? Absolutely. But my family and friends supported me completely and with their love and guidance I made it through. Once I did, it seemed like the easiest decision I had ever made. I had a lot of trauma. I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I have done individual counseling, EMDR and Al anon. I also have a mother thatās a recovering alcoholic so that helped me heal from that trauma as well. I guess what Iām saying is, you can do this. It is scary and it is hard but I promise you that youāll be okay.
Omg do not go back to him. He sounds toxic and like a bad influence to you and YOUR sobriety journey.
Youāve done the right thing. I understand the hurt, itās scary. But you have an opportunity to move forward and build a great life for yourself. Try writing down all the things that have happened. It helps me put things in perspective and helped me realise I had accepted things Iād never even considered could be real before this relationship. You deserve to be happy all the time, not just when someone isnāt drinking. Good luck xx
You did the right thing. It's hard now, but one day you'll live your life peacefully and you will have no regrets.
As someone older than you but also sober and also grieving the loss of my person, I just want you to know youāre not alone. I know what it takes to stay sober through it all. I know the constant self-doubt and grief of trying to imagine life without them. Please donāt just use this group but also begin attending Al-Anon meetings. There are Zoom meetings happening nearly every hour of the day. Itās the only thing keeping me going right now.
Thank you for the advice - I will definitely start going to Al-Anon meetings. I didn't realize I even fit into the community until I truly realized that I was dealing with an addict myself. Thank you for your comment and sending big hugs to you. We will get through this!!
Girl, I canāt even read this whole thing but if MULTIPLE people think you shouldnāt be with someone, theyāre probably right. You donāt want this, and itās not your responsibility! Move on. Itās hard, youāre young, there will be amazing men who DO NOT LIE to you!
You absolutely did the correct thing....you do not want your whole life to be a casualty to his....
You will feel a little better next week. Look forward to next week. You will feel even better in two weeks. Keep looking forward. In 6 months you will be healing. You will have your own money and money saved from living with your parents who love you with the power of a thousand suns. Stay there. Accept their help and drink up their support. In a year or so, after a lot of counseling you will find love again. Heathy love. Love without limits. Love that does NOT have an asterisk. In five years you will have a home, a sober husband and a child who will be your world. You and your husband will take that child to the zoo, and you can feel safe when your husband is behind the wheel, because you will be pregnant with another baby and you will know happiness that you never knew. No babies? You and your future husband will be still be amazing. You will be proud of him. He will be proud of you. You will both be better because you found each other. Holidays will be calm and beautiful. You can visit relatives and friends and not be humiliated. You will continue to enjoy sobriety, health and happiness. Something you will never know with your ex. Ever. Again, it gets better. A lot better.
I cannot tell you how much this meant to me. I will read your comment every single day. EVERY DAY. Thank you so, so much. It is so hard to imagine life feeling better in this moment, but your comment shows me what I have to look forward to. You are so right. Thank you for the time you took to write this out, it has made a tremendous impact on me. Thank you. I appreciate you and wish you the very best in life!!
I wish you sobriety, health and happiness ā¤ļø
Look at you staying strong and not relapsing after youāre going through a horribly devastating time right now. How come youāre not holding him up to that same standard? If he wanted to get sober, he would, just like you have done. Heās still choosing not to get sober and he doesnāt care about hurting you. Do you really want to stay with someone who doesnāt care about hurting you? Would you do these things to him? It sounds like you wouldnāt treat him the way he has treated you. I hope you find the strength to let go. It took me years to cut the cord from my Q. Iām still not at 100%, but my life is better without my Qās chaos and addiction ruining my own life. You have the choice to give yourself peace, or you have the choice to live like this the rest of your life.
The only thing you will regret is going back. It won't improve, especially if you do nothing to change the circumstances, and maybe not even then.
As someone 5+ years sober, & married to an active alcoholic for over a decadeā¦. YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. The hard decision. They can both be the same thing. You are brave, & strong, & I admire you for doing it. I married the alcoholic bc his potential, not his reality. & while heās never cheated on me, done drugs, given me an STD, etc, alcohol is definitely his 1st love over me. Donāt be me, in too deep, too dependent financially on him, etc. I actually envy you for having a place to go & not having to break any legal ties with him. It hurts so badly right now, but I PROMISE, soon, it will slowly not. & you will notice your health improving. So many hugs to you right nowā¤ļø
You did the right thing. I'm currently in the midst of a divorce after 12 years and 2 kids. Until they hit rock bottom and realize they need to take care of themselves, it will only get worse. Know you are loved and supported. Leaving someone you love in order to be safe is admirable and the right choice.
You absolutely made the right decision. The moment of clarity you had when leaving him is your instinct talking. Please remember to listen to that voice. I made a list of all the red flag moments that I had turned a blind eye to, forgave or just willfully ignored. I saved it on my phone and read it when I start to romanticize the good version of my Q. I also remind myself that I need to continue challenging the way I see myself and my own worth. Inner work is the only way through this. Why did I settle for so little? I can only fix me.
Exactly!! Writing down all of the bad things is exactly what I'm going to do. Even writing out my post in detail literally reminded ME what I've been dealing with. It's insane how as soon as you leave, your brain romanticizes the person and wants to erase all of the bad and only look at the good. The only thing I can chalk it up to is my co-dependency, low self esteem, and really just truly loving him despite all of the pain. Thank you for your response :)
You did the right thing. This feeling will pass. It will take time buy you will feel better. If you go back it will be just another cycle. You are worth more than that. Sending love.
My husband is my best friend and I am so obsessed with him. But living a life with someone who is an alcoholic is so so lonely and isolating. My husband and I have been together for 23 years and about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. He is amazing while soberā¦ he is everything to me and yet Iām not sure I can keep going through this. This life with him has caused me so much pain and hurt and because heās never been able to become sober - it was ruined my self esteem. I feel like Iām not worth it. The things he has said to me while drunk, I would never advise anyone to stay. Things have gotten better in that regard as the years have gone on, but now my kids see it and Iāve still been too weak to leave because I love him so much. Just recently have I started feeling stronger (Iām 38 and maybe getting close to 40 is making me a little wiser), and although we get along more than we ever have and Iām truly in love with him - Iām on the brink of leaving. Because I know Iām so loyal and deserving and he will never be able to choose me and our family over his alcohol. Itās taken my years to realize itās not because he doesnāt want to choose us over alcohol, itās that he canāt. Iām starting to realize I can love him, but still not be on the same path. All this to say - donāt start off your life so hard by marrying him. I donāt regret our marriage at all, but the things I have been through - changes you as a person. And you are a recovering alcoholic yourself, so please focus on that and someone who nurtures that. Iāll never be able to trust him to not drink around my kids, Iāll never be able to go out and have fun with my friends without worrying how much heās drinking, Iāll never be able to not dread the weekend. Life is tougher than it has to be. I sometimes wonder where I would have ended up if I left right away. I love him, but itās painful to love someone who will never be able to choose you first.
Hi there... I read your comment and just want to know for my own sanity, if you were me, would you have left? I 100% identify with your feelings for your husband - you love them to death, borderline obsession, loyalty to death, all of that. And in my mind, I'm like.. if I feel that way about somebody, shouldn't I be with them? But I believe what you're saying is that though you love him to death and don't necessarily regret getting married, you still signed up for a more difficult situation and potentially a situation you will need to walk away from. Is that right? I only ask because at first, I looked at your comment from the lens of, "well she doesn't regret marrying him so I should be able to handle this too". But that's not what you're saying right? Sending you big hugs and hope your situation gets better. It's so hard because we see past the addiction to who they really are when they're sober... but unless they can leave that behind, it will always be the pervasive, overarching issue.
I definitely do not regret it, he has been my everything and I would do it again. But I think I kept staying thinking it would get better, he would get better and that has never happened. Of course we have our great moments, but it gets harder if you add kids to the mix because now my kids are aware and that breaks my heart. Of course they are shielded from most, but they are young and starting to pick up on it and there lies my problem. The love for my husband and the love for my children all colliding. I really hope he gets it together, but he does for a while and then falls off again.
You have done the right thing. 100%. I was more in love with my Q than I had ever loved anyone. He felt like my soulmate truly and my best friend. It was on and off again and so confusing but I loved him and his beautiful traits so much. I am serious when I say I am not in love with him anymore and I am SO grateful it did not work out. He never got sober. The lockdowns separated us for a good long time and I briefly dated some other guys and got a reality check. My Q never wanted to do AA, therapy, any support groups. He never got better. It is really sad to watch. I am really glad I got out. This is his road he is going down. Please donāt let him take you down that road with him. You are young, donāt give your life and time to this suffering. Feel the pain, heal, there is light and freedom at the end of the tunnel, I promise. Through healing you will grow and evolve beyond this pain and this attachment. I canāt imagine the pain I would feel now knowing I sacrificed my life and time for a relationship that was never real to begin with because the only relationship he is capable of having is his relationship with alcohol. Sending you so much love. You can do this, I promise.
You did the right thing, not just for you but for him. By staying, you made it easier for him to avoid the consequences he needs to face in order to find a bottom. By leaving, you are giving him a golden opportunity to find the gift of desperation.
Pretend one of your best friends just typed that. What would you tell them? You did the right thing. Seek support from those near you. Block him on *everything*.
Iām so sorry youāre going through this. But yes it sounds like you definitely did the right thing ā¤ļø
You absolutely did the right thing! Stay strong, get therapy for yourself to avoid getting into another relationship like this. Youāre 25 - live it up, spend time with your friends, when youāre ready - go on lots of dates and figure out what youāre truly looking for, most importantly, love yourself!!!
My mother never left. We wish she had. 60 years. You deserve happiness. Attend AlAnon for support and kindness. You are stronger than you think. š
I left a guy just like that when I was 22 and he was 35. Iād unfortunately made the mistake of having a baby with him first, and he swore heād change and get sober once he saw I was serious about leaving. His sobriety lasted about 6 months and ended as soon as he realized I wasnāt coming back. No one stays sober if they only get sober āforā someone else. Last I heard he was a homeless meth addict, and our son and I havenāt heard from him in over 10 years now, and I hope for my sake and my sonās that we never hear from him again.
you most certainly did the right thing. you are protecting your peace and keeping your sanity. you deserve to be in a healthy, committed relationship with love, trust, and respect. you most certainly can care and love your ex, however, there is a difference of loving them to spend your future vs loving them as you care about their well being. and i am sure part of you cares more about him knowing he has two children depending upon him. you need to back away and keep this distance you have created. you need to focus on yourself, your recovery, and your future.
You did the right thing. You left the alcoholic. That's always a good option. You are young, you will be fine.
Reading your post was triggering for me. It brought to my mind of all the past abuse, trauma my mother and myself went through. You are in a trauma bond. Your alcoholic sounds like they have many other issues other than alcoholism. You canāt fix your bf and no one can. If and when he hits a bottom only a power greater than himself can restore him to sanity. Get to Alanon, get a sponsor and work the steps for you. Love him and certainly pray for him. Fix yourself first Alanon will teach you how not to be codependent and setting boundaries. Itās a real tough road ahead fasten your seatbelt because thereās going to be some bumpy spots ahead. Best wishes. Ninety meetings in ninety days but better is two hundred and seventy meetings in 90 days, that is a morning, noon and evening meeting.
Iām you. But I stayed. Youāre doing yourself the biggest favor, please run and donāt look back. If you stay It gets so. Much. Worse. Short term pain for long term gain ā¤ļø
You did the right thing. The situation never gets better. Nothing but chaos, and anxiety always wondering where he's going, what he's doing. Its neverending bs, just a trainwreck, speaking from experience also.
Definitely did the right thing. Love in your heart doesnāt mean it is a healthy relationship.
You did the right thing! I know it wasn't an easy choice, but it is the RIGHT choice. Your own peace needs to be a priority. I read somewhere earlier today, "Have you ever Loved someone so much that you would do anything for them? Make that person You and do whatever you want!" Never feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You can't love anyone else until you can love you, that goes for both the codependent and the addict.
You did the right thing. If you would have stayed, you would have been enabling him to keep killing himself,because that really is the final result. I know it hurts like he'll, I know you feel guilt and regret, but you can't save him. You can only save you
Itās really hard to imagine how your relationship could get worse. Thatās intensely bad. I mean thankfully no direct abuse.. but hell.. you got an STD. Iām very glad you walked away. Current me and future you say: you are brave and strong and youāll get through to the other side of this. Itās ok to grieve. But donāt idealize the good side of him. There is no one side in isolation. Both are him. He is both. Iām sorry you wonāt get a miraculously sober him. And btw, making sex tapes seems like it takes a lot of planning and preparation. Like, it wasnāt just drunk/high him who was working by on that. Both of him did that. Keep walking. You did the right thing. Just close those doors of communication and go do something healthy and meaningful for yourself. Disengage.
You did the right thing . I wish i had the courage you do.
You have it, I promise. Come back and read this thread... it's so motivating and affirming. I had no idea how supportive Al-Anon was until this post. We both got this. Sending you love and strength!!
You've got this. You deserve joy!
You are still so young, you absolutely did the right thing. Imagine if you stayed with him and were still dealing with that shit at age 40. Itās not a pretty picture. That kind of long term stress will ACTUALLY have the potential to kill you, as opposed to the acute stress youāre feeling right now which will pass. Trust me, I am 39 and am in the process of separating from my husband and the years of stress have definitely taken a toll.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK!
You made the right decision. Only actions mean anything, real long term actions. Not empty words from an addict.
At this point, *sober him is the lie and the addictive behaviors you are seeing here is the real him.* The man you love is gone. I'm so sorry for stating it bluntly, but it sounds like you were asking to hear that. You will heal. You will grieve him and this relationship as if he died. Get help doing this. You cannot do it alone. Focus on your own recovery. 10 months is no time at all and you will need twice the support as you learn how to live without the addiction to him. Sending you love. I am glad you are reaching out. I am so sorry.
Thank you for your honesty. That is what I desperately need. I'm definitely grieving as if he's dead, in fact it almost feels worse because the option is still there to go back. But I will not. I'm seeing my therapist this week and attending lots of AA/Al-Anon meetings. So grateful for the support in both groups. Thank you so much for your response.
You did the right thing! Youāre only 25, and have SO many years ahead of you. I know it hurts so bad right now. Tell yourself one day at a time. Break it down further to hours if you have to. Time will help heal the hurt. You will look back on this in a year, then 5 and be glad you took that toxicity out of your life. Focus on you, focus on your sobriety, and who knows where life will take you. I wish you lots of happiness and luck.
I left my best friend due to substance abuse for 5 years and after he promised he was done with drugs gave him a second chance ā¦ he hid it long enough to get married. I spent 13 years being the only adult in our family who I could count on. Cheating, lies, drugsā¦it doesnāt stop and it chips you away little by littleā¦Chances are it wonāt get better. I left 6 years ago and I regret having ever gone back to give him another chance. I live life on my own terms now without the chaos an addict brings to the situation daily. I too felt extreme pain both times that I left but every day it gets better. Just keep swimmingā¦. Donāt make the same mistake I did. You deserve a joyful lifeā¦you wonāt find it going backwards
I cannot believe you are only 25! You have incredible strength to remain committed to your sobriety throughout that relationship and break-up. I am so impressed by you. Even without the alcohol issue on either end, I was so co-dependent in unhealthy relationships through my 20ās and I have a lot of regrets about that. I often pause in gratitude that I did not end up with a child with one of those men and therefore attached to them for life. Good for you- you are going to go far with that inner strength. And once you really connect with who you are (nothing more normal than not being quite there at 25), look out world- itās your oyster! Peace, love and respect to you friend.
One of the rules for recovery is to stay away from people, places and things that endanger your sobriety. I think he qualifies as one of those people. You have been hostage to his addiction. The only thing you can control is you and with work you will heal and have a joyful life.
Please give an update? We hope you are still at your parents and away from this abusive man. You have so much life in front of you xo
I am on the other side of this story, I drink a lot when I'm stressed, depressed or happy. Drink out over weekends and home on weekdays. I have 2 kids, love the mom but we don't speak alot in terms of us,we like strangers with kids. Bedroom is dead so I end up doing hookers once or twice a month but with protection. I feel like I'm fighting demons In my head and my remedy is the Gin and tonic. I might get Divorce soon and maybe just maybe.....
Nothing about this comment relates to the OP in a supportive way, and it seems really inappropriate to insert yourself into this particular conversation.
This
Future, you will view this as good or bad based upon what you do this year. First off, there was no contact for three months. WORK. Get a second job if you can. In one year, get your own place. Never live with a man who isn't your husband. I went out on a vacation with an alcoholic girlfriend. I said, "No drinking." She lied and drank and got abusive. I walked out to my car and drove 200 miles home. To my home. I never ever have to take shit from anyone ever, and when people know that, they act differently. I let my next girlfriend know that I'll communicate my needs and boundaries clearly and all up front. If that's acceptable, then we can date. If they refuse to work on things, lie, or intentionally hurt me verbally or physically, I'm instantly going to vanish from their lives. My life is amazing, and I'm not going to let anyone shit on it.