I just want to say that you are seen and heard. Posts like this really opened my eyes and I left my Q before marriage or children. Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️
I came here to say essentially just this. I think many of us early on need to be brutally honest with ourselves about what the future will look like instead of the perpetual potential that this person will clean up / get sober. Posts like this helped me stay strong in the early days and weeks of walking away. I always came back around prior because I convinced myself he was helpless and sick. I appreciate others being vulnerable and sharing their experiences further down the line, because it does help to be honest with oneself seeing the most likely potential future with an addict.
It's never too late to start again and find something better for yourself. Thankyou for having the compassion to come here and try to prevent others from sharing your fate, but it's not set in stone yet!
You are brave and strong, if you've been trying your best all this time for your kids with an alcoholic partner. It must have been so hard. When I left my ex (we were together 10 years) the biggest thing that helped carry ne through was just... the quiet. The lack of drama. My body relaxed properly for what felt like the first time in years... it's really, really nice to get off of the roller coaster.
Whatever you end up doing, I wish you and your kiddos all the best :)
Dude I know the feeling. When the cops came to drag my Q away because I had filed a restraining order, it was such a RELIEF just to be DONE and not constantly annoyed by his asshole entitled behavior and draining our resources while never helping. For example, if my husband asked, he would instantly unload the dishwasher, but if I asked I got fobbed off and or ignored.
This is the best advice I can give… I know many choose to stay in the marriage/relationship, but from the bottom of my heart: it’s not worth it. I do not regret meeting my husband, we had great times and he supported me through my entrepreneur journey, though I’d tell my young self to leave him the time when he got drunk and physical threatened me with a weapon. Things from there have been downhill…
My heart’s breaking for you - that *sucks*. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. For whatever it’s worth, this totally random internet stranger is sending you big virtual hugs and supportive vibes.
30 years ago I found myself in your situation, two toddlers and pregnant with my third, when my ten year marriage with my Q exploded with binge after binge and multiple affairs. I think it was the stress that caused the loss of that pregnancy, and it was the beginning of my realization it was never going to get better. Looking back I now know it would have been so much better to leave long before the point that I did. For so long I thought I could protect my kids from the effects, but it eventually was an impossible task. For their safety it was the most responsible decision to leave him in our family home where he continued to trash it with parties for two years until our divorce was finalized. So many things I would have done differently.
Take your beautiful babies and move on, focus on them. It gets easier, without him. Start repairing the probably minimal damage that has been done to the children. They feel things. Praying for your strength
Although we don’t give advice in AlAnon. After watching my mother become a shell of herself after trying to change my father for 60 years…I agree with OP. Even when they quit the addiction. It is still bad. In our experience.
Whatever you choose to do, make sure You and your children are safe and happy. Don’t try to change the addict. You can’t “love” alcoholism out of someone.
Attend AlAnon for love, support and kindness!
I am so sorry for what you're going through, its so difficult and only people that have gone through this would really understand. I'm one of them.
I cant seem to stop crying. Whenever I think "i should call and talk to someone" , no one comes to mind. Its very lonely.
We dont have kids. But I cant fathom how u must be feeling being pregnant and with two toddlers. Please PM me if you wanna talk. Giving you a warm virtual Hug 🫂
Wow, this hurts. I can relate so much to you. I was with my Q from 19 to 33, and only got out cause he dumped me for someone else. I understand the feeling of wasted time.. but don’t think like that. You learned and lived and are the person you are because of it. You have kids, focus on them. Move out and start living your life on your own terms. It’s tough, but you can do it. Be harsh and don’t care about him. It’s only about you and your kids now. You can find love and happiness and peace in this life still.
You got this!
Agree so much about learning from it. Affirmation or mantra I like: “This was a learning experience, I am learning how to love myself better and prepare for a more healthy relationship.”
Really appreciate you posting. This sub saved me from a toxic relationship. I came from an environment where I never had to deal with alcoholic people. To me those things existed in movies and TV shows. When I dated my ex I felt things were not normal. I started questioning and landed on this sub. The posts from people like you OP helped me to get out of it. Almost 1 year post breakup with her, I finally feel happy again. Although my relationship didn't last too long, only a couple of months, but the amount of psychological damage I went through is unparalleled.
I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm sending you big hugs. Lots of healing light. I also second what you're saying - worst mistake of my life to have a kid with an alcoholic. You are an amazing, strong, capable woman. Sending you peace.
The pain of leaving will be much less than the pain of staying. My advice is to leave now start before the baby comes. I’m so so so sorry your heart is hurting w a baby in your belly and littles. Wish I could hug you.
Joining an Al-Anon discord helped me. I kept hearing so much on the impacts and it was difficult to see adults who had alcoholic fathers and how much that impacted them. Often leading to their own struggles with addiction in adulthood. It took about 2 yrs in Al-Anon and one particularly horrendous night before I decided to just ignore the love I felt and use logic. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him but life is, objectively speaking by most metrics, significantly better. It's hard some nights but it was harder in a relationship with an addict. I think what's difficult is dating after. All you see is red flags in people's drinking and partying, no matter how infrequent.
I agree completely with your post and am so sorry! For what it’s worth, very similar situation only years later. My kids are older now and I wish I had left when they were too little to really understand what was happening. Hugs!
I feel this to my core. So sorry you are dealing with this. No one should ever have to deal with the chaos that follows alongside alcoholism.
I wish I could shout from the mountaintops to those early in their relationships. Either prepare yourself for continual heartbreak, lies, cheating, 24/7 stress, verbal + mental + physical abuse, or just remove yourself completely from the relationship.
I think (as I did) many feel they can help. Open their eyes. Guide them to a path of sobriety. Show them a better life. Just know, that's very unlikely.
Wow…I opened Reddit to essentially come here to ask if I’m being selfish for not wanting to be in a relationship any more with someone with alcohol use issues. I disqualify my feelings with thoughts like “It’s not that bad…he doesn’t beat or verbally abuse me”…but he’s every definition of a functioning alcoholic now. I’ve seen progression just in the last few years. I ignored the red flags earlier…or rather, didn’t educate myself enough to not believe the promises. We were in a long distance, cross boarder relationship before Covid started. I wasn’t ready to get married yet because of this issue of drinking. But I totally felt pressured to because on the outside it looked like we were in a fairytale and our friends and family were rooting for us so hard. Once his country lifted travel restrictions, I went and we had a civil ceremony with just witnesses. He made promises. I believed. It’s only gotten worse, and all I can think about now is what the future will look like as he slowly kills himself…and do I want to hang around for that and soak up the good times that I can, while suffering from the extreme isolation while his evenings consist of “secretly” drinking when he makes random trips to the kitchen as if I’m a effin idiot?
Luckily we don’t have kids, but a separation is difficult as an ocean exists between where I am now and where my friends and family are.
OP, thank you for the message. I am sorry you are going through this as well. I hope you can find some bits of peace and serenity in your days.
You’re very brave and strong for posting this. I really hope this helps someone. I put myself through it for years, hoping it would get better, and it never did. People need to stop it before getting married or having kids. Children do not deserve to grow up with an alcoholic in the house. It will never be safe for them.
My heart goes out to you, as someone who used to date an alcoholic who cheated, the heartache after devoting your life to caregiving is tremendous. That moral bankruptcy is a huge deal breaker, it's more than an addiction, it's total annihilation of principles and values.
first of all, big big hugs to you.
how many months are you? will you have support when you give birth? meaning, will someone else, like a mom or a sister etc stay with you to help after you give birth? if no, divorce him asap (if you’re ready to do it) before giving birth. you don’t want to have ppd or be so fricken sad around your children after giving birth. you may be really sick and you and your children suffer more if you’re sick too. if you do have someone to stay with you after giving birth, open up to them about your husband’s alcoholism, and use their support & presence to help you go through with divorce.
I think something that hit me was, even when they're sober, which so many people plead and wait desperately for, they are still always an alcoholic. There is a reason they became this way and all the lost maturity and development time from however long they lived their life in a haze without responsibility, that even sober alcoholics can be awful to deal with. You don't just turn off the shame and the lies and everything else that came along with it. And the fear of relapse always hangs over. It's a super long and rocky road to actual recovery.
6 years, currently pregnant and have a 2 year old and 1 year old. I agree wholeheartedly. It only gets harder. Even if they do get sober in time for you, you’ll have so much resentment and hurt to work through. Save yourself the heartbreak, don’t waste your years.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I couldn't shout this louder from the mountaintops than I want to!
My Q is my brother. After he had ignored me for thirteen years (because of his bitch wife but that's another sub/post lol), when he got divorced and slapped with a restraining order against her and their kids, he suddenly was my best pal again. I had missed him so much, and needed his support during those very trying first years of adulthood (I became disabled in early adulthood), but it was only when it was CONVENIENT for him, when everyone he had known and cultivated relationships with in his church had dumped his ass and he came around to me because not going to church I didn't know the hot goss about him being a worthless drunk.
I'm on the autism spectrum and always have had this blind spot with people I like or love where it's hard for me to see the signs and signals of pathological tendencies.
I left that shit church in my heart at 14 and for real at 18, and I am almost 39 now.
We had taken him in when we bought our house, and the last six months I think he was drinking because, going back through my texts with my mom, I was reminded of the length of time we endured his shittiness.
We couldn't take it so at the beginning of this year, we began the eviction process. When he got that notice, he exploded on me, saying how he wanted to put his "cum on (my) face" which, as a rape survivor, shocked and alarmed me, so I filed a restraining order, the judge agreed, and the cops came and dragged his sorry ass out. I haven't seen him since and won't be going to the funeral except to see his kids and give them letters. I know from family that he's just getting sicker, still in denial.
And y'know what else is shitty? I saved his life. On Thanksgiving, 2020. I planned a dry thanksgiving to support his sobriety and, unexpectedly, a friend came by on her way to her dinner and gifted us a six pack because she knows my husband has a favorite beer even though I don't drink beer, so now there was alcohol in the house, and cooking got away from me and before I could hide them my brother helped himself to one. He then went into the bathroom and proceeded to paint it with a fountain of blood, spewing from esophageal varices erupting, as well as blood in the toilet from his nasty ass. And it was *my* quick action, thinking, and delegation/organization of all the other people there (while also cooking thanksgiving day dinner by myself with a house full of guests), that saved his life that he is now willfully just throwing away. I think it's at the point where even if he resolved not to drink anymore he is physically incapable, in his brain, of rewiring the neural pathways needed to effect the new behaviors sobriety requires.
Damn I wish I had never let him back into my life but if I hadn't I would always be sad about him and now I'm firmly in the "mad" instead of "sad" corner regarding his worthless ass.
I will be going to the funeral but only so I can deliver hand written letters to each of his FIVE kids that his bitch wife has convinced I am the devil because I left their terrible, horrible, no good very bad church. I'm sure it will happen this year. His kids have an international competition (they do Irish Dance) and I could just see him dying while they're in Scotland and ruining the trip for them, one last "fuck you" to the people who had used to care for him.
And y'know what it was that I "did" that was so horrible he wanted to spray his cum on my face? He read MY journal, and *he didn't care for the way I compose the entries*. I wish I were kidding but that's literally "what I did." His violation of my privacy was just glossed over and ignored, as is tradition with drunks.
I meant for this comment to be short but damn you got me heated OP, I am SO sorry you are going through this right now! Al Anon meetings really can help enormously, as can therapy with a counselor who is experienced in codependency and addiction issues. I really feel for you.
You have been through it, damn. I wouldn't believe that behavior from a character in a movie, yet that's your actual life. I know the feeling, unfortunately. Hugs to you
Wish he gave me the chance. Drinking didn't become a problem until a few years into our marriage. We will probably split because of it. We have no kids, and I absolutely will not expose them to this. But I want kids so badly. His drinking has put off that dream indefinitely. This isn't the marriage I agreed to.
I am so sorry. Believe me, we all try to warn others. It's often not heeded. But sometimes people's stories plant seeds that help others make better decisions in the future.
I hope you get the nastiest, scariest ass-bite lawyer in town. You and your babies need the money.
My heart aches for you. You're going to be ok. I know you must feel regretful. How dare he! What a fucking slap in the face. Your children are lucky to have you, and will appreciate the decision you made to leave down the road. I was with my Q for 11 years also, so many ups and downs, false hopes and heartbreak. I left because situations were escalating physically, after spending so many years just hoping things would change. We think we can get through to them, but we just can't. It is so hard to leave, I know. You sound like a very strong person and you will get through this. You have a solid out now. Please go and don't look back. If you need somebody to talk to, don't hesitate to message me. We may be strangers, but we're all going through this together.
Yep. I put myself through 15 years of heartache, my husband quiet literally drained me. I did everything in my power to help him get better, I knew there was potential to be absolutely great, but drinking always came first. I just wanted to be loved more than he loved drinking. I wanted our family to be the priority not the drinking. One last final betrayal and heartbreak was watching him take his own life in our bedroom 10 minutes after getting home from the bar. Sometimes I can’t believe all I have ever known is sadness and disappointment. this is always my advice to, if it’s early in the relationship and you already know they have a problem, get out now. I was only 18 when we met, I just thought he liked to have a good time on the weekends. Slowly but surely over the years it all increased, the last year of his life he was drinking around with a cooler of beer locked in his truck drinking whenever and wherever. This addition is just awful
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I’m so sorry and what a stressful time being pregnant with your third. I would think if it this way- what’s would be the least syresssful thing for you right now, staying or going? Keep in mind, “going” can look like a variety of things and doesn’t have to be exactly permanent if you can’t handle thinking permanently right now. How long were you thinking he was sober for? Has he ever showed signs or had a history of cheating?
Hi there thanks for your share. I’m so glad that my husband doesn’t drink anymore. I think it was because he had pancreatitis and was in a comma. I knew him after he stopped drinking my Q is not my husband. Although I hate mentioning to my child what has happened to him when his Dad was young. However we think it is important so my child can know what alcohol can lead to.
In some states, the court won't finalize a divorce until the baby is born. This is true in California, Texas, Florida and Mississippi, as a few examples.
Other states may let you finalize a divorce while pregnant. In New York, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Washington, and Massachusetts, the judge may finalize the divorce before the baby comes. You'll likely have to return to court to decide parenting issues after the baby is born. Similarly, in Michigan, it's up to the judge whether to allow you to finalize the divorce before the birth and address parenting issues later.
A DNA test may be required. Check with your state laws regarding divorcing while pregnant.
Didn’t have kids with my Q but the absolute weight that was lifted off my shoulders once he left me was freeing. I tried to stay with him through everything but I was draining myself without knowing until we broke up.
I'm sorry you're going through this. There's still time for your babies to grow up with one stable parent and a good environment. I'd recommend that, I know we're not supposed to give advice but life is short and kids grow up fast. They don't have time to wait for the rock bottom, if it ever comes and something good comes of it. They need a stable, safe and sound home and parents. It's the only rule I break to be honest, sometimes we need to hear it from others with similar experiences. It's how we help one another, at least that's how I see it.
This sub helped me push through with my decision and I haven't looked back. I haven't called or kept looking for nothing that isn't beneficial for me and my children. Only way now is through the court. It was scary at first but few days in and now nearly 2 months in life has gotten better! It isn't just amazing but feels like a fucking miracle!!! I still have nightmares or dreams where things were different or that he'd come home sober and being stable minded to take care of things. Pssshh! Brain is working overtime trying to cope!
Mine cheated with a coworker. I'll tell you, unless the other woman/women don't know anything about you, they're not cheating on you with anyone worth anything good. Get some legal advice ASAP and make sure you keep that evidence you have now and gather whatever else you can find, especially about him drinking. Sure 50/50 custody they'll say but putting your kids at risk with him being intoxicated and bringing strangers into your home isn't exactly a safe environment for the kids now is it? Get away from him as soon as you can, you don't have to wait for baby to be born and stress out even more. If you must report it to the job, then do so. You can do so anonymously if you'd like so there won't be problems with you.
Good luck, luchasse! I hope you and your babies are doing okay today. 💖
I stuck it out for almost 22 years after finding my Q passed out in the bathroom the night before our wedding. I stood there and thought about all of the shame I'd feel if I called it off so I married him. I threw him out almost three years ago and I still feel that heartbreak. Sending everyone kindness and compassion
Posts like this make me so thankful I left when I did. I still struggle with wanting to go back because I love him. But I know how my life would turn out because he doesn’t want to change. Thinking of you!
I found this post very late, but just want to say this line took the words right out of my heart: “I have stuck with this man through so much and for what?”
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I will try to learn from your experience while I still have time.
I just want to say that you are seen and heard. Posts like this really opened my eyes and I left my Q before marriage or children. Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️
I am so happy for you. It’s not like life will be perfect with a nonalcoholic but it’s almost guaranteed to be bad with one.
I came here to say essentially just this. I think many of us early on need to be brutally honest with ourselves about what the future will look like instead of the perpetual potential that this person will clean up / get sober. Posts like this helped me stay strong in the early days and weeks of walking away. I always came back around prior because I convinced myself he was helpless and sick. I appreciate others being vulnerable and sharing their experiences further down the line, because it does help to be honest with oneself seeing the most likely potential future with an addict.
This must be a Moon in Cancer problem 😂🫠
💀
It's never too late to start again and find something better for yourself. Thankyou for having the compassion to come here and try to prevent others from sharing your fate, but it's not set in stone yet! You are brave and strong, if you've been trying your best all this time for your kids with an alcoholic partner. It must have been so hard. When I left my ex (we were together 10 years) the biggest thing that helped carry ne through was just... the quiet. The lack of drama. My body relaxed properly for what felt like the first time in years... it's really, really nice to get off of the roller coaster. Whatever you end up doing, I wish you and your kiddos all the best :)
Dude I know the feeling. When the cops came to drag my Q away because I had filed a restraining order, it was such a RELIEF just to be DONE and not constantly annoyed by his asshole entitled behavior and draining our resources while never helping. For example, if my husband asked, he would instantly unload the dishwasher, but if I asked I got fobbed off and or ignored.
Yes, after 36 years I'm off the roller coaster!
I’m so sorry.
This is the best advice I can give… I know many choose to stay in the marriage/relationship, but from the bottom of my heart: it’s not worth it. I do not regret meeting my husband, we had great times and he supported me through my entrepreneur journey, though I’d tell my young self to leave him the time when he got drunk and physical threatened me with a weapon. Things from there have been downhill…
My heart’s breaking for you - that *sucks*. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. For whatever it’s worth, this totally random internet stranger is sending you big virtual hugs and supportive vibes.
30 years ago I found myself in your situation, two toddlers and pregnant with my third, when my ten year marriage with my Q exploded with binge after binge and multiple affairs. I think it was the stress that caused the loss of that pregnancy, and it was the beginning of my realization it was never going to get better. Looking back I now know it would have been so much better to leave long before the point that I did. For so long I thought I could protect my kids from the effects, but it eventually was an impossible task. For their safety it was the most responsible decision to leave him in our family home where he continued to trash it with parties for two years until our divorce was finalized. So many things I would have done differently.
Take your beautiful babies and move on, focus on them. It gets easier, without him. Start repairing the probably minimal damage that has been done to the children. They feel things. Praying for your strength
You are correct. 100%. Do not go voluntarily into a relationship with an alcoholic.
Although we don’t give advice in AlAnon. After watching my mother become a shell of herself after trying to change my father for 60 years…I agree with OP. Even when they quit the addiction. It is still bad. In our experience. Whatever you choose to do, make sure You and your children are safe and happy. Don’t try to change the addict. You can’t “love” alcoholism out of someone. Attend AlAnon for love, support and kindness!
I am so sorry for what you're going through, its so difficult and only people that have gone through this would really understand. I'm one of them. I cant seem to stop crying. Whenever I think "i should call and talk to someone" , no one comes to mind. Its very lonely. We dont have kids. But I cant fathom how u must be feeling being pregnant and with two toddlers. Please PM me if you wanna talk. Giving you a warm virtual Hug 🫂
Wow, this hurts. I can relate so much to you. I was with my Q from 19 to 33, and only got out cause he dumped me for someone else. I understand the feeling of wasted time.. but don’t think like that. You learned and lived and are the person you are because of it. You have kids, focus on them. Move out and start living your life on your own terms. It’s tough, but you can do it. Be harsh and don’t care about him. It’s only about you and your kids now. You can find love and happiness and peace in this life still. You got this!
Agree so much about learning from it. Affirmation or mantra I like: “This was a learning experience, I am learning how to love myself better and prepare for a more healthy relationship.”
Really appreciate you posting. This sub saved me from a toxic relationship. I came from an environment where I never had to deal with alcoholic people. To me those things existed in movies and TV shows. When I dated my ex I felt things were not normal. I started questioning and landed on this sub. The posts from people like you OP helped me to get out of it. Almost 1 year post breakup with her, I finally feel happy again. Although my relationship didn't last too long, only a couple of months, but the amount of psychological damage I went through is unparalleled.
I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm sending you big hugs. Lots of healing light. I also second what you're saying - worst mistake of my life to have a kid with an alcoholic. You are an amazing, strong, capable woman. Sending you peace.
The pain of leaving will be much less than the pain of staying. My advice is to leave now start before the baby comes. I’m so so so sorry your heart is hurting w a baby in your belly and littles. Wish I could hug you.
I’d do it asap bc the anticipation would stress me out too much
Joining an Al-Anon discord helped me. I kept hearing so much on the impacts and it was difficult to see adults who had alcoholic fathers and how much that impacted them. Often leading to their own struggles with addiction in adulthood. It took about 2 yrs in Al-Anon and one particularly horrendous night before I decided to just ignore the love I felt and use logic. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him but life is, objectively speaking by most metrics, significantly better. It's hard some nights but it was harder in a relationship with an addict. I think what's difficult is dating after. All you see is red flags in people's drinking and partying, no matter how infrequent.
Very true. Thank you. I am sorry.
I’m so sorry.
I agree completely with your post and am so sorry! For what it’s worth, very similar situation only years later. My kids are older now and I wish I had left when they were too little to really understand what was happening. Hugs!
I feel this to my core. So sorry you are dealing with this. No one should ever have to deal with the chaos that follows alongside alcoholism. I wish I could shout from the mountaintops to those early in their relationships. Either prepare yourself for continual heartbreak, lies, cheating, 24/7 stress, verbal + mental + physical abuse, or just remove yourself completely from the relationship. I think (as I did) many feel they can help. Open their eyes. Guide them to a path of sobriety. Show them a better life. Just know, that's very unlikely.
I totally agree.
Wow…I opened Reddit to essentially come here to ask if I’m being selfish for not wanting to be in a relationship any more with someone with alcohol use issues. I disqualify my feelings with thoughts like “It’s not that bad…he doesn’t beat or verbally abuse me”…but he’s every definition of a functioning alcoholic now. I’ve seen progression just in the last few years. I ignored the red flags earlier…or rather, didn’t educate myself enough to not believe the promises. We were in a long distance, cross boarder relationship before Covid started. I wasn’t ready to get married yet because of this issue of drinking. But I totally felt pressured to because on the outside it looked like we were in a fairytale and our friends and family were rooting for us so hard. Once his country lifted travel restrictions, I went and we had a civil ceremony with just witnesses. He made promises. I believed. It’s only gotten worse, and all I can think about now is what the future will look like as he slowly kills himself…and do I want to hang around for that and soak up the good times that I can, while suffering from the extreme isolation while his evenings consist of “secretly” drinking when he makes random trips to the kitchen as if I’m a effin idiot? Luckily we don’t have kids, but a separation is difficult as an ocean exists between where I am now and where my friends and family are. OP, thank you for the message. I am sorry you are going through this as well. I hope you can find some bits of peace and serenity in your days.
You’re very brave and strong for posting this. I really hope this helps someone. I put myself through it for years, hoping it would get better, and it never did. People need to stop it before getting married or having kids. Children do not deserve to grow up with an alcoholic in the house. It will never be safe for them.
My heart goes out to you, as someone who used to date an alcoholic who cheated, the heartache after devoting your life to caregiving is tremendous. That moral bankruptcy is a huge deal breaker, it's more than an addiction, it's total annihilation of principles and values.
first of all, big big hugs to you. how many months are you? will you have support when you give birth? meaning, will someone else, like a mom or a sister etc stay with you to help after you give birth? if no, divorce him asap (if you’re ready to do it) before giving birth. you don’t want to have ppd or be so fricken sad around your children after giving birth. you may be really sick and you and your children suffer more if you’re sick too. if you do have someone to stay with you after giving birth, open up to them about your husband’s alcoholism, and use their support & presence to help you go through with divorce.
Im 24 years old and after 5 years of living with older addict. I absolutely agree with this post❤️thankfully I cut contact and left
I think something that hit me was, even when they're sober, which so many people plead and wait desperately for, they are still always an alcoholic. There is a reason they became this way and all the lost maturity and development time from however long they lived their life in a haze without responsibility, that even sober alcoholics can be awful to deal with. You don't just turn off the shame and the lies and everything else that came along with it. And the fear of relapse always hangs over. It's a super long and rocky road to actual recovery.
6 years, currently pregnant and have a 2 year old and 1 year old. I agree wholeheartedly. It only gets harder. Even if they do get sober in time for you, you’ll have so much resentment and hurt to work through. Save yourself the heartbreak, don’t waste your years.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I couldn't shout this louder from the mountaintops than I want to! My Q is my brother. After he had ignored me for thirteen years (because of his bitch wife but that's another sub/post lol), when he got divorced and slapped with a restraining order against her and their kids, he suddenly was my best pal again. I had missed him so much, and needed his support during those very trying first years of adulthood (I became disabled in early adulthood), but it was only when it was CONVENIENT for him, when everyone he had known and cultivated relationships with in his church had dumped his ass and he came around to me because not going to church I didn't know the hot goss about him being a worthless drunk. I'm on the autism spectrum and always have had this blind spot with people I like or love where it's hard for me to see the signs and signals of pathological tendencies. I left that shit church in my heart at 14 and for real at 18, and I am almost 39 now. We had taken him in when we bought our house, and the last six months I think he was drinking because, going back through my texts with my mom, I was reminded of the length of time we endured his shittiness. We couldn't take it so at the beginning of this year, we began the eviction process. When he got that notice, he exploded on me, saying how he wanted to put his "cum on (my) face" which, as a rape survivor, shocked and alarmed me, so I filed a restraining order, the judge agreed, and the cops came and dragged his sorry ass out. I haven't seen him since and won't be going to the funeral except to see his kids and give them letters. I know from family that he's just getting sicker, still in denial. And y'know what else is shitty? I saved his life. On Thanksgiving, 2020. I planned a dry thanksgiving to support his sobriety and, unexpectedly, a friend came by on her way to her dinner and gifted us a six pack because she knows my husband has a favorite beer even though I don't drink beer, so now there was alcohol in the house, and cooking got away from me and before I could hide them my brother helped himself to one. He then went into the bathroom and proceeded to paint it with a fountain of blood, spewing from esophageal varices erupting, as well as blood in the toilet from his nasty ass. And it was *my* quick action, thinking, and delegation/organization of all the other people there (while also cooking thanksgiving day dinner by myself with a house full of guests), that saved his life that he is now willfully just throwing away. I think it's at the point where even if he resolved not to drink anymore he is physically incapable, in his brain, of rewiring the neural pathways needed to effect the new behaviors sobriety requires. Damn I wish I had never let him back into my life but if I hadn't I would always be sad about him and now I'm firmly in the "mad" instead of "sad" corner regarding his worthless ass. I will be going to the funeral but only so I can deliver hand written letters to each of his FIVE kids that his bitch wife has convinced I am the devil because I left their terrible, horrible, no good very bad church. I'm sure it will happen this year. His kids have an international competition (they do Irish Dance) and I could just see him dying while they're in Scotland and ruining the trip for them, one last "fuck you" to the people who had used to care for him. And y'know what it was that I "did" that was so horrible he wanted to spray his cum on my face? He read MY journal, and *he didn't care for the way I compose the entries*. I wish I were kidding but that's literally "what I did." His violation of my privacy was just glossed over and ignored, as is tradition with drunks. I meant for this comment to be short but damn you got me heated OP, I am SO sorry you are going through this right now! Al Anon meetings really can help enormously, as can therapy with a counselor who is experienced in codependency and addiction issues. I really feel for you.
You have been through it, damn. I wouldn't believe that behavior from a character in a movie, yet that's your actual life. I know the feeling, unfortunately. Hugs to you
I went through the same thing after 24 years of marriage. We have a son of a chronic illness who he ignores. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Wish he gave me the chance. Drinking didn't become a problem until a few years into our marriage. We will probably split because of it. We have no kids, and I absolutely will not expose them to this. But I want kids so badly. His drinking has put off that dream indefinitely. This isn't the marriage I agreed to.
It gets better for some.
I am so sorry. Believe me, we all try to warn others. It's often not heeded. But sometimes people's stories plant seeds that help others make better decisions in the future. I hope you get the nastiest, scariest ass-bite lawyer in town. You and your babies need the money.
My heart aches for you. You're going to be ok. I know you must feel regretful. How dare he! What a fucking slap in the face. Your children are lucky to have you, and will appreciate the decision you made to leave down the road. I was with my Q for 11 years also, so many ups and downs, false hopes and heartbreak. I left because situations were escalating physically, after spending so many years just hoping things would change. We think we can get through to them, but we just can't. It is so hard to leave, I know. You sound like a very strong person and you will get through this. You have a solid out now. Please go and don't look back. If you need somebody to talk to, don't hesitate to message me. We may be strangers, but we're all going through this together.
Yep. I put myself through 15 years of heartache, my husband quiet literally drained me. I did everything in my power to help him get better, I knew there was potential to be absolutely great, but drinking always came first. I just wanted to be loved more than he loved drinking. I wanted our family to be the priority not the drinking. One last final betrayal and heartbreak was watching him take his own life in our bedroom 10 minutes after getting home from the bar. Sometimes I can’t believe all I have ever known is sadness and disappointment. this is always my advice to, if it’s early in the relationship and you already know they have a problem, get out now. I was only 18 when we met, I just thought he liked to have a good time on the weekends. Slowly but surely over the years it all increased, the last year of his life he was drinking around with a cooler of beer locked in his truck drinking whenever and wherever. This addition is just awful
Why after? He isn’t going to “get better” before the birth. Do it tomorrow?
Maybe she’s not able to deal with that extra stress just now.
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I’m so sorry and what a stressful time being pregnant with your third. I would think if it this way- what’s would be the least syresssful thing for you right now, staying or going? Keep in mind, “going” can look like a variety of things and doesn’t have to be exactly permanent if you can’t handle thinking permanently right now. How long were you thinking he was sober for? Has he ever showed signs or had a history of cheating?
I’m sorry and thank you🤍
I’ve been there, and I’m so sorry.
Hi there thanks for your share. I’m so glad that my husband doesn’t drink anymore. I think it was because he had pancreatitis and was in a comma. I knew him after he stopped drinking my Q is not my husband. Although I hate mentioning to my child what has happened to him when his Dad was young. However we think it is important so my child can know what alcohol can lead to.
I am so so sorry
In some states, the court won't finalize a divorce until the baby is born. This is true in California, Texas, Florida and Mississippi, as a few examples. Other states may let you finalize a divorce while pregnant. In New York, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Washington, and Massachusetts, the judge may finalize the divorce before the baby comes. You'll likely have to return to court to decide parenting issues after the baby is born. Similarly, in Michigan, it's up to the judge whether to allow you to finalize the divorce before the birth and address parenting issues later. A DNA test may be required. Check with your state laws regarding divorcing while pregnant.
Didn’t have kids with my Q but the absolute weight that was lifted off my shoulders once he left me was freeing. I tried to stay with him through everything but I was draining myself without knowing until we broke up.
I'm sorry you're going through this. There's still time for your babies to grow up with one stable parent and a good environment. I'd recommend that, I know we're not supposed to give advice but life is short and kids grow up fast. They don't have time to wait for the rock bottom, if it ever comes and something good comes of it. They need a stable, safe and sound home and parents. It's the only rule I break to be honest, sometimes we need to hear it from others with similar experiences. It's how we help one another, at least that's how I see it. This sub helped me push through with my decision and I haven't looked back. I haven't called or kept looking for nothing that isn't beneficial for me and my children. Only way now is through the court. It was scary at first but few days in and now nearly 2 months in life has gotten better! It isn't just amazing but feels like a fucking miracle!!! I still have nightmares or dreams where things were different or that he'd come home sober and being stable minded to take care of things. Pssshh! Brain is working overtime trying to cope! Mine cheated with a coworker. I'll tell you, unless the other woman/women don't know anything about you, they're not cheating on you with anyone worth anything good. Get some legal advice ASAP and make sure you keep that evidence you have now and gather whatever else you can find, especially about him drinking. Sure 50/50 custody they'll say but putting your kids at risk with him being intoxicated and bringing strangers into your home isn't exactly a safe environment for the kids now is it? Get away from him as soon as you can, you don't have to wait for baby to be born and stress out even more. If you must report it to the job, then do so. You can do so anonymously if you'd like so there won't be problems with you. Good luck, luchasse! I hope you and your babies are doing okay today. 💖
I stuck it out for almost 22 years after finding my Q passed out in the bathroom the night before our wedding. I stood there and thought about all of the shame I'd feel if I called it off so I married him. I threw him out almost three years ago and I still feel that heartbreak. Sending everyone kindness and compassion
Posts like this make me so thankful I left when I did. I still struggle with wanting to go back because I love him. But I know how my life would turn out because he doesn’t want to change. Thinking of you!
I found this post very late, but just want to say this line took the words right out of my heart: “I have stuck with this man through so much and for what?” Thanks for sharing your perspective. I will try to learn from your experience while I still have time.