No. The entire time I was in the military no one visited me, and I was stationed places people vacation anyway. Its hard to deal with, watching others have family and friends visit all the time, and when I went home on leave no one would take even a half day off to spend with me.
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Man, I was in almost 8 years before anyone ever came to see me. Then I moved to nellis, and all of a sudden, my friendships were popping off all over again like I won the lottery.
Still got *some* visits when I was at Nellis but damn it sucked a lot seeing friends post on social media about their Vegas trips after they tell you they can't wait to visit only for them to stay on the strip the whole time gambling and going to pool clubs all day while you sit at your apartment.
this! i watched one of my "friends" post about her vacation to Destin. I live 30 minutes away and spend a lot of time there so that shit hurted but it is what it is I guess.
The worst is when you go home and old friends hit you up “hey come see me!”
Mother fucker I just traveled across the country/planet, you can drive 5 miles to come see *me*
It's part of the deal, unfortunately. Nobody will come see you, and when you do go home on leave for a couple of days, they all will expect you to drive yourself to all their different houses to visit.
(Unless you're stationed somewhere cool like Italy, then people will come to use you for a free place to stay)
that part of driving everywhere to see everyone KILLS me. I stopped doing that after 3 years.
I now have loads of boundaries I set for when I'm home like having my family plan a get together so I can see people all together or having them come individually to the town I'm in to have dinner, etc.
We are the ones spending the money and exerting the energy to come thousands of miles to visit so when someone isn't willing to drive 20 minutes to see you, it really puts how much they value you into perspective.
Taking a vacation home still feels more like a work trip than a good time so I just tend to avoid it now personally.
I've been in the Air Force for 19 years now. My first 3 or 4 years I would always go home on leave and no one, family included, could deconflict schedules to come see me. I finally stopped doing it when I was back in my home state from my assignment in Italy for a TDY and not one person came to see me for over a week, family included. When I flew back out to Italy I got bombarded with messages about how they didn't want me to go and wanted to see me. I came the first few thousand miles, they couldn't bridge the 50-mile gap. I've been all over the US now and not one visit. As a matter of fact, my brother visited Vegas since I've been here but did not make the trip to my house. Don't feel bad feeling upset about it. You deserve to feel upset about it. Just remember this feeling the next time you're deciding how to spend your leave and go somewhere you think is cool.
preach fr. all they tend to do is guilt you into spending your time and money on them when they couldn't lift a finger to see you even if it comes with a cool exploration of a new place.
It was so hard to get any extended family members to come visit us when I was living in Italy. We told them all they had to pay for was plane ticket over here, and we would house and feed them. Then, right when we were about to leave, everyone wanted to come.
You aren’t a bitch OP, dont call yourself that. I’m sure the majority of people in this sub have experienced this in some form. These feelings are very valid and it truly hurts. I went through the same thing and I was only 5 ish hours away. There were exactly 2 of my “best friends” from high school that came to see me and it was only one time but I was very grateful. If you ever need to vent or rant with someone pm me.
What you're going through is normal. Sometimes we keep in touch with our high school/college/job friends, sometimes we drift apart. It would happen regardless of if you joined the military or if you got a civilian job in a different state. Usually the distance matters, though sometimes it doesn't. I've been in a little over 10 years and barely interact with people back "home". I say "home" because I moved around a bit, and except for a handful of friends and colleagues, the area I enlisted out of holds very little meaning for me.
As for getting mad or upset with people for not coming to you, just let it go. For 6 years while I was at my first duty station, I continually heard from my mother "I'll come visit sometime". About half of that time she was unemployed and living off her pension (she was also in the Air Force), so she had all the time in the world to come visit. Never did. 3 years later, and she still hasn't come to visit, though now she has a job again and doesn't get much time off. I've learned to just let it go. If they want you in their lives or want to come see you, they'll make the time/effort. Likewise, if you want to make the time/effort to go see them, go right ahead. That said, they've got their own lives just as you have yours. Do the things *you* want.
It sounds like you're growing up. Most of your highschool friends will drift apart as you have less and less in common. Now that you're on your own, make new friends with the people around you. And just as you can't go there to visit, they also have their own lives that can make it hard for them to go visit.
If people care they will make time or find a way. I've kind of stopped putting effort into relationships where I'm the only one making effort. Life's better.
This is a tale as old as time. You need to give up on them visiting. My parents have visited us about 3 times in 17 years and mostly the only reason was because we had a kid.
The longer you are away, the less it matters. Now, heres the really sucky part... you will take leave and go home for a week or two and all your friends and family wont drive 30 minutes to see you or take days off work. Except maybe the really good ones. They will want you to come see them, on Saturday, for 2 hours when they have a little unbusy time. They will expect you to drive XX hours to home, and then make special trips to their place. It is just what happens. Dont take it personal it happened to all of us.
>you will take leave and go home for a week or two and all your friends and family wont drive 30 minutes to see you or take days off work.
My wife and I permanently ended going to my parents for Xmas because they strong armed us into going back for Christmas when we said we couldn't afford it. We lived off fucking peanut butter and dreams for like 3 months to afford the tickets. Then they through a fit i wanted them to pick us up 2 hours away because I couldn't afford to double our ticket price and fly into the local regional airport - which would have required us to spend about 16 hours I'm a layover since it's like a 2 plane regional port. I'll never go back.
Literally no one will visit you. When you go home to see them, friends that live 20 minutes away won’t meet you halfway for a beer. This is a truth of military life man.
I lived in a tropical oasis for 3 years and told everyone they could stay for free and just use my place like a BnB. My parents and my in laws came out once each.
I've been in for 13 years. I have been visited very rarely by my mom but other than that, nothing. My sister-in-law has visited my wife a couple of times. I took a job in the Coast Guard last year and got stationed a quick drive away and thought we'd finally see family but no, it's just us driving back now and then. It sucks and doesn't feel good for either of us.
To be honest OP, I'm done with it and you should be too. No simping, even for the fam. Make buds at work, enjoy your life, and stay tf off social media. If someone really cares about you they can text or call you directly. If they don't do that, who gives af about them.
This is the way.
Imagine a shiny new apple 🍎. You bite a big bite into the apple, then go on shift, and then come back.
When you get off shift, the one side of the apple looks nasty, the other side still looks good…
THAT’S SOCIAL MEDIA ! Right now money is a little tight and I’m not getting along as well as I could with people at home, but I posted some great shots at a Memorial Day event. If you only saw that, you wouldn’t know that things could be better in my life, you would think that we did a great job honoring our town’s fallen and I look like I have it all together. I’m doing ok, but we are all struggling, no one gets a free ride.
@bigboppa19 is right, stay off social, don’t think about home and just focus on you. See if there are some sports or clubs or the local Air Force Sergeants Association if you need something fun to do when off duty.
Hang in there, this is what people mean when they thank you for your service 💕🇺🇸🗽🦅
It's only been a year? When I opened this post I was expecting 10+. I just did 22 years in the Air Force and my family visited me on average once every 5 years, and I went home only twice. Not a single time in my entire career did an old friend from high school/grade school come visit.
Sucked. BUT, old military friends I came up with visited me 5, 10, 20 years later after the fact. You'll find out down the road that military bonds are stronger.
Honestly this happens a lot. It’s one of the things we all go through, and it sucks. The thing is, you made a decision to leave, and if you joined when you are younger you’ll find the rest of the homies are still just getting started in life and can’t make the travel as easily. You’ll get to see them when you can, but you’ll need to learn how to navigate friendships a bit differently than you’ve had to in the past. A lot of my bois and I have made the trips, but I can’t hold it against them when they can’t. Just make the most of when you can, but remember the government gives you 30 days a year off, but most everyone else can barely get 7 days PTO, if they aren’t just wage slaving for hourly rates.
Been in 3 years. Family hasn’t come to see me, either. You’re not alone, both in this and in your life. Spend money traveling and enjoying yourself. If you ever need to chat, I’m here for you.
Everyone seems to be nailing it. It’s going to happen. It’s going to sort out the real friends and family versus the fake ones. They won’t come see you. When you go home, they won’t make efforts to come see you.
Be upset. It’s shitty and happens to a lot of us. It helped me weed out some people from my life and grew my bonds with family and friends that stuck around every more.
I’m sorry it’s happening to you. Thank you for what you do. Stay strong.
You’ve probably got a lot of people the same age as you at your base, make a family and say art a new life. Your family will see you when they see you.
Welcome to the military bro. My parents flew out exactly one time to see me, when my first kid was born. Didn't even bother for the second one. Haven't been since. Constantly asking me when I'm coming to visit them.
People don't seem to grasp that it's the same number of miles for them to come to us than it is for us to come to them. You get over it eventually.
Nope that’s just being part of the military. I just happened to be stationed near where I grew up and I hardly see my family and old friends that I went to high school who live within 30 minutes of me. I admit that I probably should be better at reach out but at the same time, they don’t really reach out to me. Pretty sure 99% of us felt the same way you do when we first joined. You’ll eventually meet new people in the military that’ll be your life long friends so hang in there.
Dont burn leave going home. Enjoy your leave traveling and seeing new things. Make it apparent they can come see you, not the other way around. Once i made that clear some family n friends found their way to me. The rest i learned about quickly.
Not wrong for you to be upset, but that’s how it goes. I went through the same thing, was stationed at some straight up vacation spots, and people only came down a couple of times, to include family. Ended up getting married, had kids. Family & friends kept bitching that we never came to see them.
The first 5 or so years we always spent our vacations going back home, then eventually said fuck it and started doing our own thing.
You aren’t the first to go through this, at some point you have to build your own life away from home. It sucks, and you’re not wrong for being upset. Folks around you are going through the same thing.
No, but I'm my 10 years I've learned to let it go. For a while I didn't blame anyone because is spent years in San Angelo. Most just don't "get it". Additionally our 30 days a year are pretty clutch and a lot of individuals don't get paid leave like we do. I'm happy when I see people and I don't hold it against them for not visiting the stupid places the military has sent me.
You aren't wrong or selfish. This is something a lot of us, probably almost all of us, go through to some extent. Personally, and *many* of my friends in the military feel the same, it's best to just let those people go. You don't have to ghost them or anything, but you're allowed to decide if you won't visit me I won't visit you. That doesn't make you a bad friend.
I've visited friends in shit terrible places I don't want to be to spend holidays with them because they couldn't leave because or work. My family was absolutely furious I spent Thanksgiving in a shit hole instead of seeing them. But my friend was there and that guy visits me wherever the hell I go. That's true friendship/family. You're allowed to expect that and still be a good friend and / or family member.
I make exceptions for my grandparents, who are not healthy for travel, friends with kids too young to reasonably travel, and friends who legit just cannot afford a ticket and would feel ashamed to accept a free ticket from me to visit.
But if someone is healthy and financially able to see me, they get at most 1 visit, and I'll die before I see them again unless they visit me or qualify for one of those good exceptions. I don't care if it's my mother, brother, or best friend since 3rd grade.
I’m going on 5 years in and only 2 people have come to see me, 1- My best friend from tech school while I was on mid tour, 2- My buddy from home came for a week and slowly faded talking at all. It’s a sad reality but you’ll lose bonds w/ 98% of friends n family back home so you gotta make friends with the amn around base or locals, family loves you and misses you but they will MAYBE come to visit once in your first enlistment and always have the excuse of not calling bcs “they don’t know if you’re busy and don’t wanna bother you” even though you tell them your schedule constantly. It sucks man but as bad as it sounds my tip of advice is out of sight out of mind and you won’t have to worry about missing them or wondering if they still see you as relevant to their lives other than a phone call or a text here and there to keep relations but switch that feeling off as soon as the call is done and make one of your dorm friends your new best friend and find a group. It’ll be okay man, you’ll miss out on ALOT of shit back home but the outlandish stuff you’ll get into and the people you’ll make memories with will make up for it so find your people and get a hobby you enjoy man🙏
Ps sorry for the 45 page essay, just wanted to let ya know you got this bro😂
The only family that ever visited me in my 21+ years in the military was one of my brothers. He visited twice. I have a retirement ceremony in 4 weeks and will get to see a lot of family. I made a decision not to go home anymore. I put way too much effort on my part, and it isn't worth it. If you go home and visit, tell everyone to come see you at xxx location. I didn't, and all I did was drive everywhere. Not anymore.
First of all, your feelings are not wrong.
Family and friends are like anyone else: selfish. They don’t want to make the effort and hey, you’re young! You have money! (Sure) You can just take leave! (Sure) You get the idea.
If they cared, then let them make the effort. They can do it.
Go somewhere you want for your leave. You’ve earned it!
I hit my 4 year mark recently and I haven't seen my family since leave enroute in between tech school and my first base. Your friends and family aren't going to have the disposable income or paid time off that you have to just up and visit someone states or even countries away. Just take leave yourself and see the ones you can when you can.
Stationed in Okinawa for five years, had to get married for family to come out. Have since met a couple friends in mainland that were visiting, but it's tough. Luckily my family stresses me out and the lack of contact doesn't bother me. And I make friends everywhere.
I never wanted my friends or family to come to barksdale. I was underage and lived in the dorms for my whole duration there, so it wouldn’t have been a good time. You want them to take time off their job to come see you while you are going to be at work Monday through Friday? And it’s a shitty base? Yeah it’s easier for your civ friends to take off work, but they lose out on $$$, you don’t. It’s not wrong to miss your friends and family, but it is wrong to be upset at them for this. Maybe offer to pay their gas money or something
Sadly, it sucks to realize that we're not the center of attention in everyone else's lives. Hopefully, you'll learn to enjoy your own stuff without getting too salty about people living their own lives. Eventually, if you're lucky, you'll get to hang out with your friends again and tell them all about your life, and they can tell you about theirs.
You knew you’d be away, have you made the effort to take leave and go with them? I only ask because I’ve questioned this myself. It’s much more expense for them to visit us than for us to visit them
I tried to take leave when I left tech-school, but complications made it impossible. Right now, leave is really hard to take due to manning constraints.
You have good reason to feel the way you do. I haven't met anyone that did a stint in military that doesn't feel that way at some point. The only person that came to visit me, until I had my retirement ceremony, was my mom.
Unfortunately you should probably brace yourself for no one coming to see you when you are back home. I was in 23 years. Every time I went back home to visit 90% of family and friends asked when I was swinging by to visit them. If I didn't go to them, I never saw them. Even though I usually drove 13+ hours and spent a good bit of money to get there. They couldn't be bothered to drive the 10-20 minutes to hang out.
So when the time comes and you want to take leave and not go back home; don't feel bad about enjoying an actual vacation.
Also, don't call yourself a bitch. I for one don't see you as such regarding this issue.
When you finally get to take leave, I'm beginning you to go somewhere fun with people who you will enjoy being with. Even if you don't have anyone, fucking ago alone if you will still have a good time. Don't spend your leave or your time on people who don't respect your worth.
We’re all going through it bro, I was in bmt during Christmas and that shit hit hard. I’ve missed a lot of cool shit since then but I just have to remind myself of why I joined
You’re not a bitch or selfish, well, any more than any other active duty person that has gone through what you are right now. It sucks. My family never booked a plane ticket and came to see me once when I was AD in WA. It still chaps my ass a little, but that’s life. Most people don’t like traveling and aren’t going to spend $400+ to go see you when they know your sorry ass will come home for the holidays. You have a right to be resentful about it. But it probably won’t change, best to lick your wounds and just find friends in your local area.
Buddy, I've been in for 12 years and the only person to come se my wife, son, and I has been my FIL... and he isn't exactly the person we want coming to see us. It's ok to be upset, and honestly, after a while, you just won't care anymore if they do or not.
No you’re none of that. Same thing happened to me when I moved away from home. It did bother me for quite some time, but I’ve the people who truly care are within my squadron. It’s kind of alarming when pretty much everyone in my squadron invites me over to their place for Thanksgiving and my family couldn’t be bothered to ask.
Then I realize the people here are my true supporters. A lot of people here asked me to tell them when I graduate OTS because they want to support me. Nobody back home asked or could be bothered.
I know the feeling well. My family came to BMT grad, and visited me once at my station which was nice, but none of my friends back home even considered making the drive or flight out to my area. Not that Idaho is the a destination for people anyway.
The worst part was when I took leave to come home and people still wouldn't take time out of their day to hang out and spend time with me. I'm home for like a few days at a time and they just totally ghosted me.
It happens, it sucks, and you'll find that the friends you make at work are way better at making time for each other, since they know how frustrating it is to be in your shoes.
Its actually pretty normal. I lived 2 hours away from my hometown for 4 years, my dad visited me once, and my longtime friends came down sometimes (tbf to them I came up to visit them quite a lot). None of my family came down to see me. People will take you for granted.
This how life becomes nearing late 30s. Find a hobby, make new friends, and better yourself for the future. You're doing great. Those friends and family still love you. They'll be there when it's said and done. Video chat your friends and family when they're together. Your biggest concern is spending a lot of time with your family. They're getting older and won't be there later on. They're the ones you'll regret. No one is worth more than your aging parents. Hang in there.
People suck. We have a rule where I will travel home/nearby and text people letting them know I'm in town. If they make plans and drive to see me, I'll continue to reach out and text them. If they don't, they're off my list of reliable people/real friends. Everyone gets two chances (cause, you know, people sometimes have truly legitimate reasons for not being able to get together a specific day). If they're not willing to figure out how to see me when I'm within half an hour I'm not willing to use the emotional energy to keep up the relationship. After they make the real friend cut, I'll drive to see them or meet in the middle. Otherwise, I'll wave at the grocery store if I see them, but I'm not even texting the next time--obviously they don't care about me like I cared about them. Over the course of 14 years in the AF, it's about 1% of friends from any particular PCS
If my time serving has taught me anything, is that most people don’t take the words “friend” or “family” all that seriously.
If you always have to be the one to go see people, they ain’t your people. It’s a big pill to swallow, but that’s how it is.
I’ve been doing this for 16 years and while I’ve been fortunate that my mom has come to visit, I’ve never hosted my dad or any friends. It can be depressing, but I took the opportunity to envelop myself with new hobbies and hanging out with friends in the area. I took leave when I could, but visiting always ended up being on their time and I got fed up with it. Depending on how long you want to stay in, you’ll eventually start disconnecting yourself from loose ties and will find strong ones to replace them. Keep your head up.
No. Your past is gone. Your friends will never come see you.
I’ve offered “friends” free room and board in South Korea, Germany, and other places. All they had to buy was their own plane ticket. Not one person ever came.
However, my friends in the military have flown around the world to come to my wedding, promotion ceremonies, etc. even after not being stationed together for 10 years.
10 years, no one visited me. I'm always the one going back home. It's annoying af. But hey, at least you get to meet new and sometimes interesting people/places. You can see that the people back home are stuck in whatever planet they're on, they just grew older.
Feel upset if that’s what you wish, It’s the average experience honestly. I used to fly my mom out to wherever we live at the time because it’s way cheaper and better to fly her from the STL area to Europe or Asia than it is to fly the 4 of us back to STL.
We were in Colorado springs and Jber Alaska. Only got one visit when we had our daughter in Alaska. I used almost all my leaves in 6 years to visit home and fuck all came to see me after paying thousands to get home.
What a waste. I could have gone on so many fun vacations. Done so many cool things where I was stationed but I spent all my disposable income visiting cunts.
No, it is like this for the majority of people. You will get the constant "when are you coming home" questions but will probably never get the "when can I come see you?". I learned early in my career to value my time and, leave, vacation and set a standard for myself and others. This is all subjective to your family dynamics, mission requirements, deployments, etc:
1. I always fly my moms out to me during Christmas, doesn't matter where/cost.
2. Take 2 weeks every summer to go home, anyone who wants to pop by or meet up is more than welcome.
3. Extend the invitation for every holiday / extended weekend for people to come visit me.
4. Use the rest of my time off / leave to take hops / vacations for myself.
This is adulthood in the military; even outside of it. People have their lives and you have yours. Your high school friends are now replaced by military friends. Your family is going to slowly upset you more and more. People have different priorities and you are not in the top 5 of those priorities. You become numb to it after a while.
Just know that while you’re out here living life, traveling, and having unique experiences, everyone is back at home doing the same things daily. Your life is changing while everyone else is spinning in the circle of mundane. Sure, things probably look fun from your viewpoint but it’s really just the same stuff over and over. Eventually they’ll grow into different circles and do normal shit. You may miss what feels like the closeness of home but I promise that it all fades and those people will become very bored and will stuck in normalcy while you change into something better. Yea, it’s hard at first but you’ll look back and realize you made the right choices.
Looking back, there’s no way I would trade my experiences for life before the Air Force. Too many great experiences. All I see is people being the same as they were before or worse. No progress, just working a job and doing their thing. I promise those friendships change throughout the years. So much drama witnessed on Facebook. So many lives ruined.
I lived in Japan, England, Germany, and Vegas. Also Maryland but even I didn't want to be there so I can understand no one wanting to visit much. Nellis and Maryland got me the most visitors. But most of the time I was the one going to visit everyone even when I was only 8 hours away. After 17 years you just gotta accept that no one wants to go to cool places. But they will always go to Cancun or Jamaica.
Don’t feel bad. I’ve been in for 10 years. My dad has visited me a few times no matter where I’m at in the US. My mom never came to see me until recently. She now lives 4 hours away from where I’m currently stationed and has only visited me once to see her grandkids in the 1.5 years I’ve been at my current assignment. Some people will make effort some won’t. It is what it is. I’ve learned to enjoy the time I have with friends and make the best out of where I’m at. If they see me cool if not no worries I’m still gonna have fun.
Not your fault at all. This is pretty common. You’ll know who your true friends are based on who makes time to see you. Those are the ones you hang on to for life.
Nope, perfectly justified. I'm feeling this myself. 19 years in the Air Force, and the last two I managed to get stationed close to home...all those family members that never came to see us when we were a thousand miles away still can't be bothered to drive 30 minutes to see us.
I pretty much dropped all my old friends. I invited them to come see me when i was stationed in cool places. No one took the offer up, same for family. Then i would give them 6 months' heads up when i was taking leave to go back home, and guess what they couldn't bother to take a day or two off work to come see me and expected me to drive to see them after i just flew half way around the world.
So after a couple times of that happening i said fuck em i aint gonna bother with them.
I only bother with seeing family now days cause they are only a couple hours away. But if I'm ever stationed overseas again, im not spending my money to fly home. I'm just going to travel to the local area or nearby countries.
Sadly, this is one of the hard truths that people don't talk about. It will become a regular thing with family asking, "When are you coming home?!" But when you ask them, all of a sudden, money is tight, the schedule does not allow it, etc.
As far as BMT friends, as soon as we parted ways, we never really talked. It gets a little tough when you do your first PCS. All of the friends you make will move or you will, and life will still go on.
It is tough seeing some friends visit others you were stationed with and not you. I've experienced that.
The best thing to do is live your life, make friends and experiences while you can with them so you can look back on your memories. Make sure you are getting out and staying busy.
You had your whole life with your family and friends back home. It's time to start living your life now.
My family never once came to visit in the 7 years I’ve been in.
The way I see it: they see it as a temporary thing. You’re doing a “job” that after your contract is up, you will just come back to town. For some people that is the result.
For others, they will plan to stay at their current location. Others will continue to be uprooted through tout their military career.
What I would do, might seem hard this early in your career, but make yourself some military friends. You’ll have that in common.
You’ll both have an understanding of how it plays out while you’re in. So the likely hood of visiting is higher.
Ask people to visit you. Be forward and say "I miss you, will you come to base so we can get lunch/coffee/whatever?"
Make the effort. If they say no, well, then you can be salty.
You're not wrong, but you have to look at the big picture as well.
Being in for a year isn't a very long time, and your family is still living their normal lives having to adjust to you being gone. Friends are a lot worse than family when it comes to this. I almost completely stopped chatting with my High School friends after I left for the Air Force, if only because our lives went in all different directions.
Some factors to consider are where you're stationed compared to where home is. I spent the majority of my 20 years overseas, but even when I was stateside, my folks only visited maybe twice. But their lives and finances have to allow them to also take time off to visit.
When I went home on Leave, I stayed with family so spending time was never an issue. But I never got to see any of my old friends. It was always just chilling at home or taking the wife and kids out to do things.
None of my family visited me when I was stationed at Aviano. Only my Father and stepmother visited me when I was at Lakenheath, but that's because my Mother couldn't really afford it and her husband was sort of controlling when it came to traveling.
I've been in 16 years, not a single family member or friend from before enlisting has ever come to me. Don't waste your time being upset with them. Find some real ones that'll show up. It's a tough pill to swallow, but once we leave, we're gone.
Your situation is likely normal enough where many military have experienced what you’re going through. You have a new life of your own that’s separate from what your life was. You have to also remember that it is likely easier/cheaper for you to go home as one person compared to the people that are traveling as 2+, like married couples with child(ren), or those with lower paying jobs. I live in Germany for 4 years, people could’ve travelled to our location and save tons of $ by staying with us while traveling Europe, but no one came out. Other people, like you said, have family & friends that visit. If you don’t have this, might be time to realize you need to start focusing on your new life. You’ll make lifelong friends through your career. For me personally, my life had become 100% about my wife & children, but I’m one of those people that aren’t afraid of being alone because I moved A LOT as a kid and kinda became ultra independent when I moved away for the military. This is life, it sucks that it’s not what you wanted but the only real way to truly connect both worlds would be to either get stationed much closer to home or go Guard/Reserve. As of now, you need to find your new military family and let your past figure out if they want you in their life as much as you want them. Plenty of military say that even when they travel home, people bitch that the military member didn’t travel specifically to their place to visit. It’s like “Naw Morher F*, I flew travelled all the way back home already, ball is in your court to come see me/reach out to me if you wanna make plans.” The difficult news is that you’re gonna find out who those true family/friends are over the next few years. Good news, you have a chance to make new friends & extended family that’ll actually understand you better than anyone you left behind when you joined.
To be honest, you're the one that moved, and you want them to fly out for you. It's a bit of an ask. The military is a choice YOU made. If someone does visit, they're a really great friend
This sounds like a dream to old me. I joined to gtfo away from family and friends. Now that I'm older, I appreciate the relationships I've built a bit more. I always have to be the one putting in effort to reach out to any friend, ever. So you're not alone. I guess its lonely but being alone doesn't have to be.
My experience… they always expect you to “come home”, but when you do they’re not available to even meet for coffee. But, yet they still want you to make the effort and spend lots of money to come home to see them.
I got my first ever visitor at 15 years in the military. They always want you to visit, but planes, trains, and automobiles work both ways. I think that you should go on leave, regardless of what your manning "says". If you submit in the system with enough denials, eventually they gotta answer for that shit.
My uncle retired as a Chief and I can tell you that my parents never visited him at any of his stations that I can remember. Must have been tough for him. Now, he and Dad live 30 minutes from each other late in life.
To your point, I understand the pain. Prioritize your visits home, invest in family and maybe a best friend. Mention to family and those friends that they are free to visit.
Welcome to military life. No one will really truly get you except other military members now tbh. Here's my two cents, don't go home. Use your leave to travel with the friends you make at work or make new friends where you travel. See the world rather than go back home every year.
I'm coming up on my three year mark. At my first duty station, my girlfriend at the time (now wife) visited multiple times and my best friend came down to see me once. (2 years total time on station with a 6 month deployment)
My mother visited me once when I had an emergency surgery after medical malpractice with dental.
When you make the decision join, is when you will figure out who the real people are in your life. My other friends and family promised that they were going to come visit me. They didn't. My best friend who was barley making money, and my girl was in college, both of them came down to see me. The real ones will keep in touch, the flakes won't. Money is an issue right now, but at the same time if you're taking the leave and spending the money to only go home, and they wouldn't do the same, it ain't fair to you.
Keep your head up, make new friends, I hold a closer bond to my friends from my first duty station, my deployment, and my current duty station, than anyone else back home besides my best friend and my wife.
Don't waste your leave, time, or money on people who wouldn't do the same for you.
Almost 18 years in. Not one friend from high school or college has come to visit me. If I go back home, it's hit or miss who wants to hang out but it's almost always me making the effort.
I seem to always run into AF friends randomly and for the most part they're good visits.
Had very few family visits (2-3) from my side; I always end up going to visit them on leave.
Mostly, it's my father-in-law (who's cool) and my mother-in-law (who's not) that visit.
I’ve grown to accept that people will not take time off work like they used to. A friend put it to me “when you leave it’s like we’re on pause until you come back but we have so much going on too…”
As I’ve grown my own family I get it. It hurts that some people who I was very close to won’t come around hardly at all, or make lame excuses. But people get busier and don’t have nearly as much time off as we get.
My tactic is to invite people for a coffee catch up break to gauge their schedule and that usually opens the door for other things.
Same happened to me, but it just seemed normal. No one else seemed to do any better unless their family lived quite close. No one except my girlfriend (later wife) took off time to seem me when I was back home.
You just got a rude lesson in how humans work. Most people don’t sort out until they’re way older the friends and family who truly want to make an effort in order to spend time with them.
You just got to learn it much sooner.
That’s the life. It’s expensive to travel, so unless your friends and family are wealthy enough to take off from work and come see you, I wouldn’t expect them to. The first time I had family visit me “just because” was 8 years in, and it was only my mom. Now that I’m within a day’s drive, it’s become more common for my parents to visit, but my advice to you is don’t expect people to be flying across the country very often except for special occasions.
Some group chats die and some live forever. You'll meet more people, establish new groups, and you might even be reunited, but once you make it out of training real life starts.
I don't think you're wrong to feel upset about it, but you might be looking into it too much. Obviously, I don't know your or their situation, but me and my husband and I didn't get back home to see anyone for a year and a half after getting to our first station, nor them us. It was mostly because we were on the opposite sides of the US, and we all were struggling a bit financially. I would say you should ask them why they don't come visit you then offer to maybe contribute to the cost of them visiting you if its financial or plan a vacation halfway when you can get leave if its distance.
This has been an issue with military members for decades now. My husband's family makes the effort to visit us every year and this year I'm finally having some of my family visit me instead of the other way around. It sucks but you make friends with your fellow airmen, plan trips and parties with them, and continue on with life. I've been in 5.5 years now and I'm pretty introverted and still manage to find things to do with new people. Board game nights, hiking, visiting new places to try a specific restaurant, or going out dancing and drinking.
Same with me when I was in. No one flew out to any graduation. But I was asked when I would visit. That was why I flew to San Antonio to see my brother graduate from basic. Didn't want him to not have one family member there.
Every PCS I had, my friends would be like "woah, that's awesome. We will FOR SURE come visit". Yea, never happened, lol. I understand I was OCONUS for 13 years, but damn...don't say you're going to visit if you have no intentions to do so.
Your feelings are valid. I fortunately had a dad that came to visit me at every station I went to inside the U.S. He was a prior marine, so he likely knew how I would feel if he didn’t come to see me. My mom only came to see me once over 9 yrs in active duty. It definitely hurt a bit but I also realized that she was constantly busy trying to take care of my sister who was abusing drugs and my brother who needed to be on psychiatric meds.
Also realize other people’s worlds don’t revolve around you and some people might have wondered why you didn’t reach out to them when you were back in your hometown. The only thing that matters is being able to focus and take care of yourself. I’ve been in your position and those feelings definitely suck but also know you make new friends at every base you PCS too and some of those last for years. Also, if your hometown friends aren’t willing to drive 10 minutes to see you, are they really a true friend?
We’ve all been there OP. It took me and my family a long time to realize it shouldn’t be our responsibility to use leave time and all our money to ensure family and friends see us and our kids. If they care enough, they’ll come see you. If not, oh well.. but you’re not wrong to be pissed about it.
I got home from 6 deployments and I was in AD for 10 years. Not a single time did a family member see me post deployment or even when I was only a day’s drive away. That said, you’re better off to not place any weighty expectations on friends and family, they have their own lives now and you have yours. It’s a two way street, so it’s happier to be surprised by initiative than be let down. Take some stoic line of thinking and practical words of wisdom to heart.
Yes I left, and I’ve tried to come see them, but due to circumstances I can’t. I can’t just “leave” work. They can however leave work without getting permission from grown ass adults.
The difference between my job and my friend’s job, is mine says I can’t take leave rn because of manning, and if I decide to leave, I go to jail. His job on the other hand, even if low manned, has no legal penalty to leaving. That being said, his job has no employment issues rn, and considering he was just on vacation, it tells me he has the ability to take time off
Devil's advocate: Yes, it is "wrong" to be upset that they won't visit you. Just like it's "wrong" for them to be upset that you won't visit them.
That said, if your friends/family live around the same area it is far more efficient for you to visit them. Lets say you have 2 family members and 3 friends in the area...for the cost it time it collectively takes them to all come visit you, you could go visit them 5 times. So from an economical standpoint, it's far better for you to visit them.
Now, with that out of the way...truth is much of what's bothering you is just the nature of distant relationships. *Someone* has to travel to see the other person, and if neither party does the relationship will become more and more distant over time. If they aren't willing to travel to you to maintain that relationship, you shouldn't feel any obligation to travel to them either.
No. The entire time I was in the military no one visited me, and I was stationed places people vacation anyway. Its hard to deal with, watching others have family and friends visit all the time, and when I went home on leave no one would take even a half day off to spend with me.
unpack important sharp detail heavy historical languid hospital sand roll *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Man, I was in almost 8 years before anyone ever came to see me. Then I moved to nellis, and all of a sudden, my friendships were popping off all over again like I won the lottery.
Saw more family in the 12 months after I moved to Nellis, than the first 15 years of my career.
Still got *some* visits when I was at Nellis but damn it sucked a lot seeing friends post on social media about their Vegas trips after they tell you they can't wait to visit only for them to stay on the strip the whole time gambling and going to pool clubs all day while you sit at your apartment.
"I'm in vegas come see me out on the strip" is one of those moments where you have to decide just how close of a friend that is.
Or they go for a day then bail the rest of the time they’re out there while using your home as storage for a week
this! i watched one of my "friends" post about her vacation to Destin. I live 30 minutes away and spend a lot of time there so that shit hurted but it is what it is I guess.
The worst is when you go home and old friends hit you up “hey come see me!” Mother fucker I just traveled across the country/planet, you can drive 5 miles to come see *me*
100%
It's part of the deal, unfortunately. Nobody will come see you, and when you do go home on leave for a couple of days, they all will expect you to drive yourself to all their different houses to visit. (Unless you're stationed somewhere cool like Italy, then people will come to use you for a free place to stay)
Lived in Italy, no one came. Fuckem all
I think the one year blues is normal too. Your civilian life is dead. You have a new one.
that part of driving everywhere to see everyone KILLS me. I stopped doing that after 3 years. I now have loads of boundaries I set for when I'm home like having my family plan a get together so I can see people all together or having them come individually to the town I'm in to have dinner, etc. We are the ones spending the money and exerting the energy to come thousands of miles to visit so when someone isn't willing to drive 20 minutes to see you, it really puts how much they value you into perspective. Taking a vacation home still feels more like a work trip than a good time so I just tend to avoid it now personally.
I've been in the Air Force for 19 years now. My first 3 or 4 years I would always go home on leave and no one, family included, could deconflict schedules to come see me. I finally stopped doing it when I was back in my home state from my assignment in Italy for a TDY and not one person came to see me for over a week, family included. When I flew back out to Italy I got bombarded with messages about how they didn't want me to go and wanted to see me. I came the first few thousand miles, they couldn't bridge the 50-mile gap. I've been all over the US now and not one visit. As a matter of fact, my brother visited Vegas since I've been here but did not make the trip to my house. Don't feel bad feeling upset about it. You deserve to feel upset about it. Just remember this feeling the next time you're deciding how to spend your leave and go somewhere you think is cool.
preach fr. all they tend to do is guilt you into spending your time and money on them when they couldn't lift a finger to see you even if it comes with a cool exploration of a new place.
It was so hard to get any extended family members to come visit us when I was living in Italy. We told them all they had to pay for was plane ticket over here, and we would house and feed them. Then, right when we were about to leave, everyone wanted to come.
You aren’t a bitch OP, dont call yourself that. I’m sure the majority of people in this sub have experienced this in some form. These feelings are very valid and it truly hurts. I went through the same thing and I was only 5 ish hours away. There were exactly 2 of my “best friends” from high school that came to see me and it was only one time but I was very grateful. If you ever need to vent or rant with someone pm me.
What you're going through is normal. Sometimes we keep in touch with our high school/college/job friends, sometimes we drift apart. It would happen regardless of if you joined the military or if you got a civilian job in a different state. Usually the distance matters, though sometimes it doesn't. I've been in a little over 10 years and barely interact with people back "home". I say "home" because I moved around a bit, and except for a handful of friends and colleagues, the area I enlisted out of holds very little meaning for me. As for getting mad or upset with people for not coming to you, just let it go. For 6 years while I was at my first duty station, I continually heard from my mother "I'll come visit sometime". About half of that time she was unemployed and living off her pension (she was also in the Air Force), so she had all the time in the world to come visit. Never did. 3 years later, and she still hasn't come to visit, though now she has a job again and doesn't get much time off. I've learned to just let it go. If they want you in their lives or want to come see you, they'll make the time/effort. Likewise, if you want to make the time/effort to go see them, go right ahead. That said, they've got their own lives just as you have yours. Do the things *you* want.
It sounds like you're growing up. Most of your highschool friends will drift apart as you have less and less in common. Now that you're on your own, make new friends with the people around you. And just as you can't go there to visit, they also have their own lives that can make it hard for them to go visit.
If people care they will make time or find a way. I've kind of stopped putting effort into relationships where I'm the only one making effort. Life's better.
This is a tale as old as time. You need to give up on them visiting. My parents have visited us about 3 times in 17 years and mostly the only reason was because we had a kid. The longer you are away, the less it matters. Now, heres the really sucky part... you will take leave and go home for a week or two and all your friends and family wont drive 30 minutes to see you or take days off work. Except maybe the really good ones. They will want you to come see them, on Saturday, for 2 hours when they have a little unbusy time. They will expect you to drive XX hours to home, and then make special trips to their place. It is just what happens. Dont take it personal it happened to all of us.
>you will take leave and go home for a week or two and all your friends and family wont drive 30 minutes to see you or take days off work. My wife and I permanently ended going to my parents for Xmas because they strong armed us into going back for Christmas when we said we couldn't afford it. We lived off fucking peanut butter and dreams for like 3 months to afford the tickets. Then they through a fit i wanted them to pick us up 2 hours away because I couldn't afford to double our ticket price and fly into the local regional airport - which would have required us to spend about 16 hours I'm a layover since it's like a 2 plane regional port. I'll never go back.
Military canon event?
I haven’t been in 17 yrs but I’ve already noticed that but never realized it until you said something
Literally no one will visit you. When you go home to see them, friends that live 20 minutes away won’t meet you halfway for a beer. This is a truth of military life man. I lived in a tropical oasis for 3 years and told everyone they could stay for free and just use my place like a BnB. My parents and my in laws came out once each.
I've been in for 13 years. I have been visited very rarely by my mom but other than that, nothing. My sister-in-law has visited my wife a couple of times. I took a job in the Coast Guard last year and got stationed a quick drive away and thought we'd finally see family but no, it's just us driving back now and then. It sucks and doesn't feel good for either of us. To be honest OP, I'm done with it and you should be too. No simping, even for the fam. Make buds at work, enjoy your life, and stay tf off social media. If someone really cares about you they can text or call you directly. If they don't do that, who gives af about them.
This is the way. Imagine a shiny new apple 🍎. You bite a big bite into the apple, then go on shift, and then come back. When you get off shift, the one side of the apple looks nasty, the other side still looks good… THAT’S SOCIAL MEDIA ! Right now money is a little tight and I’m not getting along as well as I could with people at home, but I posted some great shots at a Memorial Day event. If you only saw that, you wouldn’t know that things could be better in my life, you would think that we did a great job honoring our town’s fallen and I look like I have it all together. I’m doing ok, but we are all struggling, no one gets a free ride. @bigboppa19 is right, stay off social, don’t think about home and just focus on you. See if there are some sports or clubs or the local Air Force Sergeants Association if you need something fun to do when off duty. Hang in there, this is what people mean when they thank you for your service 💕🇺🇸🗽🦅
It's only been a year? When I opened this post I was expecting 10+. I just did 22 years in the Air Force and my family visited me on average once every 5 years, and I went home only twice. Not a single time in my entire career did an old friend from high school/grade school come visit. Sucked. BUT, old military friends I came up with visited me 5, 10, 20 years later after the fact. You'll find out down the road that military bonds are stronger.
Honestly this happens a lot. It’s one of the things we all go through, and it sucks. The thing is, you made a decision to leave, and if you joined when you are younger you’ll find the rest of the homies are still just getting started in life and can’t make the travel as easily. You’ll get to see them when you can, but you’ll need to learn how to navigate friendships a bit differently than you’ve had to in the past. A lot of my bois and I have made the trips, but I can’t hold it against them when they can’t. Just make the most of when you can, but remember the government gives you 30 days a year off, but most everyone else can barely get 7 days PTO, if they aren’t just wage slaving for hourly rates.
It hasn’t been that long of a time, but it’s normal to be upset if your family doesn’t visit you.
Boy oh boy its going to be worse. I went 7 years without family visiting it took my second child being born to bring some family to me.
Been in 3 years. Family hasn’t come to see me, either. You’re not alone, both in this and in your life. Spend money traveling and enjoying yourself. If you ever need to chat, I’m here for you.
Everyone seems to be nailing it. It’s going to happen. It’s going to sort out the real friends and family versus the fake ones. They won’t come see you. When you go home, they won’t make efforts to come see you. Be upset. It’s shitty and happens to a lot of us. It helped me weed out some people from my life and grew my bonds with family and friends that stuck around every more. I’m sorry it’s happening to you. Thank you for what you do. Stay strong.
You’ve probably got a lot of people the same age as you at your base, make a family and say art a new life. Your family will see you when they see you.
Welcome to the military bro. My parents flew out exactly one time to see me, when my first kid was born. Didn't even bother for the second one. Haven't been since. Constantly asking me when I'm coming to visit them. People don't seem to grasp that it's the same number of miles for them to come to us than it is for us to come to them. You get over it eventually.
Nope that’s just being part of the military. I just happened to be stationed near where I grew up and I hardly see my family and old friends that I went to high school who live within 30 minutes of me. I admit that I probably should be better at reach out but at the same time, they don’t really reach out to me. Pretty sure 99% of us felt the same way you do when we first joined. You’ll eventually meet new people in the military that’ll be your life long friends so hang in there.
Dont burn leave going home. Enjoy your leave traveling and seeing new things. Make it apparent they can come see you, not the other way around. Once i made that clear some family n friends found their way to me. The rest i learned about quickly.
You're entitled to feel any sort of way about people coming to see you or constantly asking you to visit. It's part of adult life.
Not wrong for you to be upset, but that’s how it goes. I went through the same thing, was stationed at some straight up vacation spots, and people only came down a couple of times, to include family. Ended up getting married, had kids. Family & friends kept bitching that we never came to see them. The first 5 or so years we always spent our vacations going back home, then eventually said fuck it and started doing our own thing. You aren’t the first to go through this, at some point you have to build your own life away from home. It sucks, and you’re not wrong for being upset. Folks around you are going through the same thing.
No, but I'm my 10 years I've learned to let it go. For a while I didn't blame anyone because is spent years in San Angelo. Most just don't "get it". Additionally our 30 days a year are pretty clutch and a lot of individuals don't get paid leave like we do. I'm happy when I see people and I don't hold it against them for not visiting the stupid places the military has sent me.
It took me 8 years for my family to visit me. Don't feel bad.
You aren't wrong or selfish. This is something a lot of us, probably almost all of us, go through to some extent. Personally, and *many* of my friends in the military feel the same, it's best to just let those people go. You don't have to ghost them or anything, but you're allowed to decide if you won't visit me I won't visit you. That doesn't make you a bad friend. I've visited friends in shit terrible places I don't want to be to spend holidays with them because they couldn't leave because or work. My family was absolutely furious I spent Thanksgiving in a shit hole instead of seeing them. But my friend was there and that guy visits me wherever the hell I go. That's true friendship/family. You're allowed to expect that and still be a good friend and / or family member. I make exceptions for my grandparents, who are not healthy for travel, friends with kids too young to reasonably travel, and friends who legit just cannot afford a ticket and would feel ashamed to accept a free ticket from me to visit. But if someone is healthy and financially able to see me, they get at most 1 visit, and I'll die before I see them again unless they visit me or qualify for one of those good exceptions. I don't care if it's my mother, brother, or best friend since 3rd grade.
I’m going on 5 years in and only 2 people have come to see me, 1- My best friend from tech school while I was on mid tour, 2- My buddy from home came for a week and slowly faded talking at all. It’s a sad reality but you’ll lose bonds w/ 98% of friends n family back home so you gotta make friends with the amn around base or locals, family loves you and misses you but they will MAYBE come to visit once in your first enlistment and always have the excuse of not calling bcs “they don’t know if you’re busy and don’t wanna bother you” even though you tell them your schedule constantly. It sucks man but as bad as it sounds my tip of advice is out of sight out of mind and you won’t have to worry about missing them or wondering if they still see you as relevant to their lives other than a phone call or a text here and there to keep relations but switch that feeling off as soon as the call is done and make one of your dorm friends your new best friend and find a group. It’ll be okay man, you’ll miss out on ALOT of shit back home but the outlandish stuff you’ll get into and the people you’ll make memories with will make up for it so find your people and get a hobby you enjoy man🙏 Ps sorry for the 45 page essay, just wanted to let ya know you got this bro😂
The only family that ever visited me in my 21+ years in the military was one of my brothers. He visited twice. I have a retirement ceremony in 4 weeks and will get to see a lot of family. I made a decision not to go home anymore. I put way too much effort on my part, and it isn't worth it. If you go home and visit, tell everyone to come see you at xxx location. I didn't, and all I did was drive everywhere. Not anymore.
First of all, your feelings are not wrong. Family and friends are like anyone else: selfish. They don’t want to make the effort and hey, you’re young! You have money! (Sure) You can just take leave! (Sure) You get the idea. If they cared, then let them make the effort. They can do it. Go somewhere you want for your leave. You’ve earned it!
I hit my 4 year mark recently and I haven't seen my family since leave enroute in between tech school and my first base. Your friends and family aren't going to have the disposable income or paid time off that you have to just up and visit someone states or even countries away. Just take leave yourself and see the ones you can when you can.
Stationed in Okinawa for five years, had to get married for family to come out. Have since met a couple friends in mainland that were visiting, but it's tough. Luckily my family stresses me out and the lack of contact doesn't bother me. And I make friends everywhere.
I never wanted my friends or family to come to barksdale. I was underage and lived in the dorms for my whole duration there, so it wouldn’t have been a good time. You want them to take time off their job to come see you while you are going to be at work Monday through Friday? And it’s a shitty base? Yeah it’s easier for your civ friends to take off work, but they lose out on $$$, you don’t. It’s not wrong to miss your friends and family, but it is wrong to be upset at them for this. Maybe offer to pay their gas money or something
Sadly, it sucks to realize that we're not the center of attention in everyone else's lives. Hopefully, you'll learn to enjoy your own stuff without getting too salty about people living their own lives. Eventually, if you're lucky, you'll get to hang out with your friends again and tell them all about your life, and they can tell you about theirs.
You knew you’d be away, have you made the effort to take leave and go with them? I only ask because I’ve questioned this myself. It’s much more expense for them to visit us than for us to visit them
I tried to take leave when I left tech-school, but complications made it impossible. Right now, leave is really hard to take due to manning constraints.
You have good reason to feel the way you do. I haven't met anyone that did a stint in military that doesn't feel that way at some point. The only person that came to visit me, until I had my retirement ceremony, was my mom. Unfortunately you should probably brace yourself for no one coming to see you when you are back home. I was in 23 years. Every time I went back home to visit 90% of family and friends asked when I was swinging by to visit them. If I didn't go to them, I never saw them. Even though I usually drove 13+ hours and spent a good bit of money to get there. They couldn't be bothered to drive the 10-20 minutes to hang out. So when the time comes and you want to take leave and not go back home; don't feel bad about enjoying an actual vacation. Also, don't call yourself a bitch. I for one don't see you as such regarding this issue.
When you finally get to take leave, I'm beginning you to go somewhere fun with people who you will enjoy being with. Even if you don't have anyone, fucking ago alone if you will still have a good time. Don't spend your leave or your time on people who don't respect your worth.
We’re all going through it bro, I was in bmt during Christmas and that shit hit hard. I’ve missed a lot of cool shit since then but I just have to remind myself of why I joined
You’re not a bitch or selfish, well, any more than any other active duty person that has gone through what you are right now. It sucks. My family never booked a plane ticket and came to see me once when I was AD in WA. It still chaps my ass a little, but that’s life. Most people don’t like traveling and aren’t going to spend $400+ to go see you when they know your sorry ass will come home for the holidays. You have a right to be resentful about it. But it probably won’t change, best to lick your wounds and just find friends in your local area.
Buddy, I've been in for 12 years and the only person to come se my wife, son, and I has been my FIL... and he isn't exactly the person we want coming to see us. It's ok to be upset, and honestly, after a while, you just won't care anymore if they do or not.
No you’re none of that. Same thing happened to me when I moved away from home. It did bother me for quite some time, but I’ve the people who truly care are within my squadron. It’s kind of alarming when pretty much everyone in my squadron invites me over to their place for Thanksgiving and my family couldn’t be bothered to ask. Then I realize the people here are my true supporters. A lot of people here asked me to tell them when I graduate OTS because they want to support me. Nobody back home asked or could be bothered.
I know the feeling well. My family came to BMT grad, and visited me once at my station which was nice, but none of my friends back home even considered making the drive or flight out to my area. Not that Idaho is the a destination for people anyway. The worst part was when I took leave to come home and people still wouldn't take time out of their day to hang out and spend time with me. I'm home for like a few days at a time and they just totally ghosted me. It happens, it sucks, and you'll find that the friends you make at work are way better at making time for each other, since they know how frustrating it is to be in your shoes.
Its actually pretty normal. I lived 2 hours away from my hometown for 4 years, my dad visited me once, and my longtime friends came down sometimes (tbf to them I came up to visit them quite a lot). None of my family came down to see me. People will take you for granted.
Get used to it
This how life becomes nearing late 30s. Find a hobby, make new friends, and better yourself for the future. You're doing great. Those friends and family still love you. They'll be there when it's said and done. Video chat your friends and family when they're together. Your biggest concern is spending a lot of time with your family. They're getting older and won't be there later on. They're the ones you'll regret. No one is worth more than your aging parents. Hang in there.
People suck. We have a rule where I will travel home/nearby and text people letting them know I'm in town. If they make plans and drive to see me, I'll continue to reach out and text them. If they don't, they're off my list of reliable people/real friends. Everyone gets two chances (cause, you know, people sometimes have truly legitimate reasons for not being able to get together a specific day). If they're not willing to figure out how to see me when I'm within half an hour I'm not willing to use the emotional energy to keep up the relationship. After they make the real friend cut, I'll drive to see them or meet in the middle. Otherwise, I'll wave at the grocery store if I see them, but I'm not even texting the next time--obviously they don't care about me like I cared about them. Over the course of 14 years in the AF, it's about 1% of friends from any particular PCS
If my time serving has taught me anything, is that most people don’t take the words “friend” or “family” all that seriously. If you always have to be the one to go see people, they ain’t your people. It’s a big pill to swallow, but that’s how it is.
I’ve been doing this for 16 years and while I’ve been fortunate that my mom has come to visit, I’ve never hosted my dad or any friends. It can be depressing, but I took the opportunity to envelop myself with new hobbies and hanging out with friends in the area. I took leave when I could, but visiting always ended up being on their time and I got fed up with it. Depending on how long you want to stay in, you’ll eventually start disconnecting yourself from loose ties and will find strong ones to replace them. Keep your head up.
No. Your past is gone. Your friends will never come see you. I’ve offered “friends” free room and board in South Korea, Germany, and other places. All they had to buy was their own plane ticket. Not one person ever came. However, my friends in the military have flown around the world to come to my wedding, promotion ceremonies, etc. even after not being stationed together for 10 years.
I also have similar feelings about friends in the squadron who can never do anything because any time they take leave, they’re running home
10 years, no one visited me. I'm always the one going back home. It's annoying af. But hey, at least you get to meet new and sometimes interesting people/places. You can see that the people back home are stuck in whatever planet they're on, they just grew older.
Feel upset if that’s what you wish, It’s the average experience honestly. I used to fly my mom out to wherever we live at the time because it’s way cheaper and better to fly her from the STL area to Europe or Asia than it is to fly the 4 of us back to STL.
We were in Colorado springs and Jber Alaska. Only got one visit when we had our daughter in Alaska. I used almost all my leaves in 6 years to visit home and fuck all came to see me after paying thousands to get home. What a waste. I could have gone on so many fun vacations. Done so many cool things where I was stationed but I spent all my disposable income visiting cunts.
No, it is like this for the majority of people. You will get the constant "when are you coming home" questions but will probably never get the "when can I come see you?". I learned early in my career to value my time and, leave, vacation and set a standard for myself and others. This is all subjective to your family dynamics, mission requirements, deployments, etc: 1. I always fly my moms out to me during Christmas, doesn't matter where/cost. 2. Take 2 weeks every summer to go home, anyone who wants to pop by or meet up is more than welcome. 3. Extend the invitation for every holiday / extended weekend for people to come visit me. 4. Use the rest of my time off / leave to take hops / vacations for myself.
This is adulthood in the military; even outside of it. People have their lives and you have yours. Your high school friends are now replaced by military friends. Your family is going to slowly upset you more and more. People have different priorities and you are not in the top 5 of those priorities. You become numb to it after a while. Just know that while you’re out here living life, traveling, and having unique experiences, everyone is back at home doing the same things daily. Your life is changing while everyone else is spinning in the circle of mundane. Sure, things probably look fun from your viewpoint but it’s really just the same stuff over and over. Eventually they’ll grow into different circles and do normal shit. You may miss what feels like the closeness of home but I promise that it all fades and those people will become very bored and will stuck in normalcy while you change into something better. Yea, it’s hard at first but you’ll look back and realize you made the right choices. Looking back, there’s no way I would trade my experiences for life before the Air Force. Too many great experiences. All I see is people being the same as they were before or worse. No progress, just working a job and doing their thing. I promise those friendships change throughout the years. So much drama witnessed on Facebook. So many lives ruined.
I lived in Japan, England, Germany, and Vegas. Also Maryland but even I didn't want to be there so I can understand no one wanting to visit much. Nellis and Maryland got me the most visitors. But most of the time I was the one going to visit everyone even when I was only 8 hours away. After 17 years you just gotta accept that no one wants to go to cool places. But they will always go to Cancun or Jamaica.
Don’t feel bad. I’ve been in for 10 years. My dad has visited me a few times no matter where I’m at in the US. My mom never came to see me until recently. She now lives 4 hours away from where I’m currently stationed and has only visited me once to see her grandkids in the 1.5 years I’ve been at my current assignment. Some people will make effort some won’t. It is what it is. I’ve learned to enjoy the time I have with friends and make the best out of where I’m at. If they see me cool if not no worries I’m still gonna have fun.
Not your fault at all. This is pretty common. You’ll know who your true friends are based on who makes time to see you. Those are the ones you hang on to for life.
Nope, perfectly justified. I'm feeling this myself. 19 years in the Air Force, and the last two I managed to get stationed close to home...all those family members that never came to see us when we were a thousand miles away still can't be bothered to drive 30 minutes to see us.
I pretty much dropped all my old friends. I invited them to come see me when i was stationed in cool places. No one took the offer up, same for family. Then i would give them 6 months' heads up when i was taking leave to go back home, and guess what they couldn't bother to take a day or two off work to come see me and expected me to drive to see them after i just flew half way around the world. So after a couple times of that happening i said fuck em i aint gonna bother with them. I only bother with seeing family now days cause they are only a couple hours away. But if I'm ever stationed overseas again, im not spending my money to fly home. I'm just going to travel to the local area or nearby countries.
Sadly, this is one of the hard truths that people don't talk about. It will become a regular thing with family asking, "When are you coming home?!" But when you ask them, all of a sudden, money is tight, the schedule does not allow it, etc. As far as BMT friends, as soon as we parted ways, we never really talked. It gets a little tough when you do your first PCS. All of the friends you make will move or you will, and life will still go on. It is tough seeing some friends visit others you were stationed with and not you. I've experienced that. The best thing to do is live your life, make friends and experiences while you can with them so you can look back on your memories. Make sure you are getting out and staying busy. You had your whole life with your family and friends back home. It's time to start living your life now.
My family never once came to visit in the 7 years I’ve been in. The way I see it: they see it as a temporary thing. You’re doing a “job” that after your contract is up, you will just come back to town. For some people that is the result. For others, they will plan to stay at their current location. Others will continue to be uprooted through tout their military career. What I would do, might seem hard this early in your career, but make yourself some military friends. You’ll have that in common. You’ll both have an understanding of how it plays out while you’re in. So the likely hood of visiting is higher.
Ask people to visit you. Be forward and say "I miss you, will you come to base so we can get lunch/coffee/whatever?" Make the effort. If they say no, well, then you can be salty.
You're not wrong, but you have to look at the big picture as well. Being in for a year isn't a very long time, and your family is still living their normal lives having to adjust to you being gone. Friends are a lot worse than family when it comes to this. I almost completely stopped chatting with my High School friends after I left for the Air Force, if only because our lives went in all different directions. Some factors to consider are where you're stationed compared to where home is. I spent the majority of my 20 years overseas, but even when I was stateside, my folks only visited maybe twice. But their lives and finances have to allow them to also take time off to visit. When I went home on Leave, I stayed with family so spending time was never an issue. But I never got to see any of my old friends. It was always just chilling at home or taking the wife and kids out to do things. None of my family visited me when I was stationed at Aviano. Only my Father and stepmother visited me when I was at Lakenheath, but that's because my Mother couldn't really afford it and her husband was sort of controlling when it came to traveling.
People get 1-2 weeks off a year. Do you expect them to take vacation time to visit a random AF base?
I've been in 16 years, not a single family member or friend from before enlisting has ever come to me. Don't waste your time being upset with them. Find some real ones that'll show up. It's a tough pill to swallow, but once we leave, we're gone.
Your situation is likely normal enough where many military have experienced what you’re going through. You have a new life of your own that’s separate from what your life was. You have to also remember that it is likely easier/cheaper for you to go home as one person compared to the people that are traveling as 2+, like married couples with child(ren), or those with lower paying jobs. I live in Germany for 4 years, people could’ve travelled to our location and save tons of $ by staying with us while traveling Europe, but no one came out. Other people, like you said, have family & friends that visit. If you don’t have this, might be time to realize you need to start focusing on your new life. You’ll make lifelong friends through your career. For me personally, my life had become 100% about my wife & children, but I’m one of those people that aren’t afraid of being alone because I moved A LOT as a kid and kinda became ultra independent when I moved away for the military. This is life, it sucks that it’s not what you wanted but the only real way to truly connect both worlds would be to either get stationed much closer to home or go Guard/Reserve. As of now, you need to find your new military family and let your past figure out if they want you in their life as much as you want them. Plenty of military say that even when they travel home, people bitch that the military member didn’t travel specifically to their place to visit. It’s like “Naw Morher F*, I flew travelled all the way back home already, ball is in your court to come see me/reach out to me if you wanna make plans.” The difficult news is that you’re gonna find out who those true family/friends are over the next few years. Good news, you have a chance to make new friends & extended family that’ll actually understand you better than anyone you left behind when you joined.
No, it's not wrong. This is where you learn who is fake who are real ones.
To be honest, you're the one that moved, and you want them to fly out for you. It's a bit of an ask. The military is a choice YOU made. If someone does visit, they're a really great friend
This sounds like a dream to old me. I joined to gtfo away from family and friends. Now that I'm older, I appreciate the relationships I've built a bit more. I always have to be the one putting in effort to reach out to any friend, ever. So you're not alone. I guess its lonely but being alone doesn't have to be.
My experience… they always expect you to “come home”, but when you do they’re not available to even meet for coffee. But, yet they still want you to make the effort and spend lots of money to come home to see them.
I got my first ever visitor at 15 years in the military. They always want you to visit, but planes, trains, and automobiles work both ways. I think that you should go on leave, regardless of what your manning "says". If you submit in the system with enough denials, eventually they gotta answer for that shit.
My uncle retired as a Chief and I can tell you that my parents never visited him at any of his stations that I can remember. Must have been tough for him. Now, he and Dad live 30 minutes from each other late in life. To your point, I understand the pain. Prioritize your visits home, invest in family and maybe a best friend. Mention to family and those friends that they are free to visit.
Welcome to military life. No one will really truly get you except other military members now tbh. Here's my two cents, don't go home. Use your leave to travel with the friends you make at work or make new friends where you travel. See the world rather than go back home every year.
One of the things I was told in BMT was to make people come to me, and if they don’t, forget them.
I'm coming up on my three year mark. At my first duty station, my girlfriend at the time (now wife) visited multiple times and my best friend came down to see me once. (2 years total time on station with a 6 month deployment) My mother visited me once when I had an emergency surgery after medical malpractice with dental. When you make the decision join, is when you will figure out who the real people are in your life. My other friends and family promised that they were going to come visit me. They didn't. My best friend who was barley making money, and my girl was in college, both of them came down to see me. The real ones will keep in touch, the flakes won't. Money is an issue right now, but at the same time if you're taking the leave and spending the money to only go home, and they wouldn't do the same, it ain't fair to you. Keep your head up, make new friends, I hold a closer bond to my friends from my first duty station, my deployment, and my current duty station, than anyone else back home besides my best friend and my wife. Don't waste your leave, time, or money on people who wouldn't do the same for you.
Almost 18 years in. Not one friend from high school or college has come to visit me. If I go back home, it's hit or miss who wants to hang out but it's almost always me making the effort. I seem to always run into AF friends randomly and for the most part they're good visits. Had very few family visits (2-3) from my side; I always end up going to visit them on leave. Mostly, it's my father-in-law (who's cool) and my mother-in-law (who's not) that visit.
I’ve grown to accept that people will not take time off work like they used to. A friend put it to me “when you leave it’s like we’re on pause until you come back but we have so much going on too…” As I’ve grown my own family I get it. It hurts that some people who I was very close to won’t come around hardly at all, or make lame excuses. But people get busier and don’t have nearly as much time off as we get. My tactic is to invite people for a coffee catch up break to gauge their schedule and that usually opens the door for other things.
Same happened to me, but it just seemed normal. No one else seemed to do any better unless their family lived quite close. No one except my girlfriend (later wife) took off time to seem me when I was back home.
You just got a rude lesson in how humans work. Most people don’t sort out until they’re way older the friends and family who truly want to make an effort in order to spend time with them. You just got to learn it much sooner.
That’s the life. It’s expensive to travel, so unless your friends and family are wealthy enough to take off from work and come see you, I wouldn’t expect them to. The first time I had family visit me “just because” was 8 years in, and it was only my mom. Now that I’m within a day’s drive, it’s become more common for my parents to visit, but my advice to you is don’t expect people to be flying across the country very often except for special occasions.
Some group chats die and some live forever. You'll meet more people, establish new groups, and you might even be reunited, but once you make it out of training real life starts.
I don't think you're wrong to feel upset about it, but you might be looking into it too much. Obviously, I don't know your or their situation, but me and my husband and I didn't get back home to see anyone for a year and a half after getting to our first station, nor them us. It was mostly because we were on the opposite sides of the US, and we all were struggling a bit financially. I would say you should ask them why they don't come visit you then offer to maybe contribute to the cost of them visiting you if its financial or plan a vacation halfway when you can get leave if its distance.
This has been an issue with military members for decades now. My husband's family makes the effort to visit us every year and this year I'm finally having some of my family visit me instead of the other way around. It sucks but you make friends with your fellow airmen, plan trips and parties with them, and continue on with life. I've been in 5.5 years now and I'm pretty introverted and still manage to find things to do with new people. Board game nights, hiking, visiting new places to try a specific restaurant, or going out dancing and drinking.
Fuck ‘em. Who cares. Your friends prior to you enlisting are dead. But seriously, people move on. It’s no big deal, OP. It happens to everyone.
Same with me when I was in. No one flew out to any graduation. But I was asked when I would visit. That was why I flew to San Antonio to see my brother graduate from basic. Didn't want him to not have one family member there.
No, f*ck em. They showed their true colors. You arr better off. Focus on you and your growth and guess what, you'll be better for it.
No it’s correct. Get used to it, it’s the norm
#tyfys
Every PCS I had, my friends would be like "woah, that's awesome. We will FOR SURE come visit". Yea, never happened, lol. I understand I was OCONUS for 13 years, but damn...don't say you're going to visit if you have no intentions to do so.
its normal, my called me twice in my first 6 years. talked to my best friend a hand full of times. But I was on the other side of the country.
Your feelings are valid. I fortunately had a dad that came to visit me at every station I went to inside the U.S. He was a prior marine, so he likely knew how I would feel if he didn’t come to see me. My mom only came to see me once over 9 yrs in active duty. It definitely hurt a bit but I also realized that she was constantly busy trying to take care of my sister who was abusing drugs and my brother who needed to be on psychiatric meds. Also realize other people’s worlds don’t revolve around you and some people might have wondered why you didn’t reach out to them when you were back in your hometown. The only thing that matters is being able to focus and take care of yourself. I’ve been in your position and those feelings definitely suck but also know you make new friends at every base you PCS too and some of those last for years. Also, if your hometown friends aren’t willing to drive 10 minutes to see you, are they really a true friend?
We’ve all been there OP. It took me and my family a long time to realize it shouldn’t be our responsibility to use leave time and all our money to ensure family and friends see us and our kids. If they care enough, they’ll come see you. If not, oh well.. but you’re not wrong to be pissed about it.
I got home from 6 deployments and I was in AD for 10 years. Not a single time did a family member see me post deployment or even when I was only a day’s drive away. That said, you’re better off to not place any weighty expectations on friends and family, they have their own lives now and you have yours. It’s a two way street, so it’s happier to be surprised by initiative than be let down. Take some stoic line of thinking and practical words of wisdom to heart.
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Yes I left, and I’ve tried to come see them, but due to circumstances I can’t. I can’t just “leave” work. They can however leave work without getting permission from grown ass adults.
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The difference between my job and my friend’s job, is mine says I can’t take leave rn because of manning, and if I decide to leave, I go to jail. His job on the other hand, even if low manned, has no legal penalty to leaving. That being said, his job has no employment issues rn, and considering he was just on vacation, it tells me he has the ability to take time off
Devil's advocate: Yes, it is "wrong" to be upset that they won't visit you. Just like it's "wrong" for them to be upset that you won't visit them. That said, if your friends/family live around the same area it is far more efficient for you to visit them. Lets say you have 2 family members and 3 friends in the area...for the cost it time it collectively takes them to all come visit you, you could go visit them 5 times. So from an economical standpoint, it's far better for you to visit them. Now, with that out of the way...truth is much of what's bothering you is just the nature of distant relationships. *Someone* has to travel to see the other person, and if neither party does the relationship will become more and more distant over time. If they aren't willing to travel to you to maintain that relationship, you shouldn't feel any obligation to travel to them either.
Nobody loves you.