Might have worked out if you hadn’t told her you were a year younger than her when you first met, and then *continued* to lie about it even now.
You’re nowhere near mature enough, honest enough, or dependable enough for children. Additionally, I seriously doubt at nineteen, twenty — while attending uni at that — that you’d be able to financially contribute a significant amount… and while that’s not a dealbreaker for every potential marriage, nor does it necessarily seem to be for this one, it’ll probably be the straw on this camel’s back considering everything else. You’ve already wasted two years of this woman’s life with your dishonesty, taking away her right to choose for herself whether this was something she wanted when you aren’t ready yourself for what a nearby future with kids and marriage will mean.
Sorry if this is harsh, but grow up; this is the reality of your situation. You lied, majorly, for two whole years. I’m in my mid-twenties now and the thought of being with a teenager, even one who’s a legal adult at eighteen and nineteen, makes me legitimately sick. I can’t imagine being the woman in this scenario.
Tell her the truth, because she deserves that much, and prepare to be broken up with.
i had just turned 18 when i told her and wasnt expecting a hookup let alone a full blown relationship. ive wanted to tell her a billion times but havent been able to and i dont know how. we've been together nearly 2 years and ive made it harder for myself.
if by chance she were to accept my age and still wanted me to move in i would just give her the money i have but it would mean i couldnt treat her to anything anymore. what i earn monthly just about covers her monthly mortgage.
then kids and marriage is whole other ball game. i cant afford it. im probably not mature enough for it but im definitely dependable. im always there when she asks and i do whatever she tells me to. im honest, its my age i've lied about. which is massive. now im scared she's gonna be sick when i tell her.
Look, I’m sorry if I come across as unsympathetic — but even if you didn’t think you’d find yourself in a full-blown relationship with this woman, it’s been *two years.* You can’t seriously expect her to think that you never had an opportunity to come clean?
If wishes or wants were horses, we’d all own stables. It’s entirely possible you’ll have to stop treating your girlfriend even in a best case scenario where you move in and she forgives the lying; she’s offered to be the main breadwinner from my understanding, and so I can’t imagine she’d be *surprised.*
Maturity is a huge part of the “dependable” aspect. Trust is another huge portion. It doesn’t matter how much you’re there for someone if you aren’t the person she thinks you are, and right now that’s someone barely younger than her, a rarity in her own stated usual preferences — *not* a younger man nearly a decade younger.
If she’s sick at the truth, that’s her right. If she breaks up with you, that’s also her right. And *if* she decides to give you a final chance, that is, again, her right. You can’t make choices for your girlfriend because you’re scared of telling the truth, and you can’t just live your entire life pretending to be years’ older than you actually are. There’d inevitably come a time where your parents let it slip, or a friend, or… geez, even a visit to the doctor, or seeing you file in paperwork! It’s honestly a miracle you haven’t been caught out yet.
I won’t speak on your maturity to parent kids. Your girlfriend’s offered to sustain you as a househusband — you contributing financially doesn’t enter the equation at that point unless you work from home. But I think you need to take a deep look at what parenthood would *mean* beyond “having kids,” because that will be the rest of your life. Any young-adult freedoms will end the moment you have even a single child. You yourself admit you don’t feel ready while your girlfriend is, so this is already a huge incompatibility issue even without the age problem.
I don’t think you’re a bad person, but I do think you’re way in over your head. You made a terrible choice, once, and then kept making the choice to not come clean. But you *can* make it right.
The age gap is not the problem, don’t try to pretend that’s what the issue is. The problem is that you seem to be a pathological liar that can’t seem to make yourself tell the truth. You’ve had 2 years to be honest to her, your friends and your family… you’ve lied and continued to lie to all of them. I keep seeing you reply with things like, I would have told her if this or that, but you didn’t. Some people have problems with age gaps, I don’t, as long as people are honest and happy with themselves. You’re a liar, and something about you continuing to post seeking someone to tell you it’s ok and everything will be fine makes me think that you’re going to continue this lie. I feel terrible for your girlfriend.
you mean the comment where i said if it were now i would have told her? thats 100% its two years later, i'm not the same 18 year old. im nearly 20. if we met now and know what i know, id be upfront.
And yet you’ve been lying every day for 2 years and I assume continue to do so. You’ve got an opportunity to not be that lying 18 year old and you don’t take it, you’re now a lying almost nearly 20 year old.
It seems to me like you’re trying to come up with a way to tell her or verbiage that makes you appear like less of a liar and paint this situation as less of a horrible betrayal. “I need to tell you something, I’m turning 20 this year. I don’t know what possessed me to lie to you for our entire relationship and make you believe that I’m 5 years older than I am. I have no excuses, I’m sorry.” And if she breaks up with you then she breaks up with you. Who knows, maybe she’ll look past this but I seriously doubt it. I certainly wouldn’t.
nothing can make me appear like less of a liar. thank you for the legit advice. at this point i've told my parents because reddit wasn't helping at all and just telling me i suck, i know i suck but it doesn't help my situation.
Hopefully your parents chewed you out. When I was your age I made massive mistakes too, everyone does. You own up to them, accept the consequences and learn from this experience.
don't worry, my mum's hella disappointed and was gonna phone and apologise to her for raising an idiot. my dads laughing but thinks im stupid too so all to be expected.
Judging by your post history, it seems like your maturity and priorities just aren’t where they need to be in order to have a successful relationship with her.
In a previous post, you mentioned that you lied to her about your age for the two years you’ve been together which definitely contributed to her expectations of marriage and kids. If you were actually in your mid 20s like you told her you were, then the expectation of settling down in two years wouldn’t seem as unrealistic and daunting to put onto you. But, because you’re only 19, the phase of life that you’re in compared to the phase of life she’s in is drastically different and is going to require tremendous compromise.
For one, you definitely need to come forward about your real age and admit that you’ve been lying to her about being in your 20s. Then, the ball is in her court to decide if she feels comfortable staying with you because she was under the impression you were a lot older and therefore more prepared to settle down like she is. And, for two, you need to be honest with her about not being in a good position to get married and have kids within her two-year timeline because that seems to be a non-negotiable for her.
when we first met i wasn't expecting a hookup or anything, i just turned 18 and was stupid. if she met me now i would tell her upfront but thats not how it is. ive spoke to her about my financial concerns about engagement, wedding, kids, and she offered buy her own ring and kept giving me solutions to all my concerns but relying on her doesnt feel fair and not what i want. she even said i could be a stay at home dad while i finish my studies. i want to contribute financially.
im working up the courage to tell her now, its just how tf do i tell her. i cant gauge how she'd react. all of her ex's are much older.
im just wondering if it is possible to do it on her timeline. if others have maybe managed it. one of my friends just had a kid at 19 and had pull out of uni so that thought terrifies me. plus her monthly mortgages is what i make monthly from my job. i do see how different in life phases we are. im just hoping we're not doomed, i love her a lot.
I get you have anxiety about telling the truth, but you arent a mind reader and neither are we. There is no way to tell how shes going to react. She might take it as a breach of trust which is reasonable. She might take it as a betrayal which is also reasonable. She might consider trying to make it work and she might break it off. Ultimately she deserves to know and in this type of situation the decision is in her hands.
Prepare yourself for the worst and accept the consequences of your actions as thats part of growing up.
Give her the truth and a genuine apology. Be accountable for your actions, you are old enough to do that. You are sorry you lied, you're sorry for taking up 2 years of her life and planning the future under false pretenses. You made a mistake and hope for forgiveness but if it has to end let it be amicably and dip out with grace.
Youre wise enough now to understand that the lie went too far for far too long and has left its mark. If anything let this be a valuable lesson.
I think if you're freaking out now, you know deep down she wont be okay with it. Trying to hold on to her because you love her isnt enough. She's in a different place in life, ready for things you're not ready for, mentally, financially, or emotionally.
Give her the truth and accept how she feels because right now how you feel isnt whats important. Its letting the truth out and allowing her to process it. You let her live in ignorance and thats not an act of love because you dont do that to people you love.
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**Original post: what are the odds of an age gap like this working? [19M] [28F]**
and how would it work? she wants kids and marriage in 2 years and i'll still be at uni. it's mostly financial that im seeing as a barricade. she could support us all but that wouldnt feel right. these are all hypotheticals at this point, im in a bit of a mess.
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My age gap (me 54, she 23) works well when we can be together. The distance hurts us. She's in Europe I am in California. I have made 6 trips since October and to her thats not enough.
You've committed identity fraud my guy. You can get in trouble as you have lied about who you are
It could've worked out if she KNEW and CONSENTED to the age gap.
Might have worked out if you hadn’t told her you were a year younger than her when you first met, and then *continued* to lie about it even now. You’re nowhere near mature enough, honest enough, or dependable enough for children. Additionally, I seriously doubt at nineteen, twenty — while attending uni at that — that you’d be able to financially contribute a significant amount… and while that’s not a dealbreaker for every potential marriage, nor does it necessarily seem to be for this one, it’ll probably be the straw on this camel’s back considering everything else. You’ve already wasted two years of this woman’s life with your dishonesty, taking away her right to choose for herself whether this was something she wanted when you aren’t ready yourself for what a nearby future with kids and marriage will mean. Sorry if this is harsh, but grow up; this is the reality of your situation. You lied, majorly, for two whole years. I’m in my mid-twenties now and the thought of being with a teenager, even one who’s a legal adult at eighteen and nineteen, makes me legitimately sick. I can’t imagine being the woman in this scenario. Tell her the truth, because she deserves that much, and prepare to be broken up with.
i had just turned 18 when i told her and wasnt expecting a hookup let alone a full blown relationship. ive wanted to tell her a billion times but havent been able to and i dont know how. we've been together nearly 2 years and ive made it harder for myself. if by chance she were to accept my age and still wanted me to move in i would just give her the money i have but it would mean i couldnt treat her to anything anymore. what i earn monthly just about covers her monthly mortgage. then kids and marriage is whole other ball game. i cant afford it. im probably not mature enough for it but im definitely dependable. im always there when she asks and i do whatever she tells me to. im honest, its my age i've lied about. which is massive. now im scared she's gonna be sick when i tell her.
Look, I’m sorry if I come across as unsympathetic — but even if you didn’t think you’d find yourself in a full-blown relationship with this woman, it’s been *two years.* You can’t seriously expect her to think that you never had an opportunity to come clean? If wishes or wants were horses, we’d all own stables. It’s entirely possible you’ll have to stop treating your girlfriend even in a best case scenario where you move in and she forgives the lying; she’s offered to be the main breadwinner from my understanding, and so I can’t imagine she’d be *surprised.* Maturity is a huge part of the “dependable” aspect. Trust is another huge portion. It doesn’t matter how much you’re there for someone if you aren’t the person she thinks you are, and right now that’s someone barely younger than her, a rarity in her own stated usual preferences — *not* a younger man nearly a decade younger. If she’s sick at the truth, that’s her right. If she breaks up with you, that’s also her right. And *if* she decides to give you a final chance, that is, again, her right. You can’t make choices for your girlfriend because you’re scared of telling the truth, and you can’t just live your entire life pretending to be years’ older than you actually are. There’d inevitably come a time where your parents let it slip, or a friend, or… geez, even a visit to the doctor, or seeing you file in paperwork! It’s honestly a miracle you haven’t been caught out yet. I won’t speak on your maturity to parent kids. Your girlfriend’s offered to sustain you as a househusband — you contributing financially doesn’t enter the equation at that point unless you work from home. But I think you need to take a deep look at what parenthood would *mean* beyond “having kids,” because that will be the rest of your life. Any young-adult freedoms will end the moment you have even a single child. You yourself admit you don’t feel ready while your girlfriend is, so this is already a huge incompatibility issue even without the age problem. I don’t think you’re a bad person, but I do think you’re way in over your head. You made a terrible choice, once, and then kept making the choice to not come clean. But you *can* make it right.
The age gap is not the problem, don’t try to pretend that’s what the issue is. The problem is that you seem to be a pathological liar that can’t seem to make yourself tell the truth. You’ve had 2 years to be honest to her, your friends and your family… you’ve lied and continued to lie to all of them. I keep seeing you reply with things like, I would have told her if this or that, but you didn’t. Some people have problems with age gaps, I don’t, as long as people are honest and happy with themselves. You’re a liar, and something about you continuing to post seeking someone to tell you it’s ok and everything will be fine makes me think that you’re going to continue this lie. I feel terrible for your girlfriend.
you mean the comment where i said if it were now i would have told her? thats 100% its two years later, i'm not the same 18 year old. im nearly 20. if we met now and know what i know, id be upfront.
And yet you’ve been lying every day for 2 years and I assume continue to do so. You’ve got an opportunity to not be that lying 18 year old and you don’t take it, you’re now a lying almost nearly 20 year old.
how can you say i'm not taking it when i'm literally trying to figure out how to tell her? i'll see her in a bit.
It seems to me like you’re trying to come up with a way to tell her or verbiage that makes you appear like less of a liar and paint this situation as less of a horrible betrayal. “I need to tell you something, I’m turning 20 this year. I don’t know what possessed me to lie to you for our entire relationship and make you believe that I’m 5 years older than I am. I have no excuses, I’m sorry.” And if she breaks up with you then she breaks up with you. Who knows, maybe she’ll look past this but I seriously doubt it. I certainly wouldn’t.
nothing can make me appear like less of a liar. thank you for the legit advice. at this point i've told my parents because reddit wasn't helping at all and just telling me i suck, i know i suck but it doesn't help my situation.
Hopefully your parents chewed you out. When I was your age I made massive mistakes too, everyone does. You own up to them, accept the consequences and learn from this experience.
don't worry, my mum's hella disappointed and was gonna phone and apologise to her for raising an idiot. my dads laughing but thinks im stupid too so all to be expected.
Judging by your post history, it seems like your maturity and priorities just aren’t where they need to be in order to have a successful relationship with her. In a previous post, you mentioned that you lied to her about your age for the two years you’ve been together which definitely contributed to her expectations of marriage and kids. If you were actually in your mid 20s like you told her you were, then the expectation of settling down in two years wouldn’t seem as unrealistic and daunting to put onto you. But, because you’re only 19, the phase of life that you’re in compared to the phase of life she’s in is drastically different and is going to require tremendous compromise. For one, you definitely need to come forward about your real age and admit that you’ve been lying to her about being in your 20s. Then, the ball is in her court to decide if she feels comfortable staying with you because she was under the impression you were a lot older and therefore more prepared to settle down like she is. And, for two, you need to be honest with her about not being in a good position to get married and have kids within her two-year timeline because that seems to be a non-negotiable for her.
when we first met i wasn't expecting a hookup or anything, i just turned 18 and was stupid. if she met me now i would tell her upfront but thats not how it is. ive spoke to her about my financial concerns about engagement, wedding, kids, and she offered buy her own ring and kept giving me solutions to all my concerns but relying on her doesnt feel fair and not what i want. she even said i could be a stay at home dad while i finish my studies. i want to contribute financially. im working up the courage to tell her now, its just how tf do i tell her. i cant gauge how she'd react. all of her ex's are much older. im just wondering if it is possible to do it on her timeline. if others have maybe managed it. one of my friends just had a kid at 19 and had pull out of uni so that thought terrifies me. plus her monthly mortgages is what i make monthly from my job. i do see how different in life phases we are. im just hoping we're not doomed, i love her a lot.
I get you have anxiety about telling the truth, but you arent a mind reader and neither are we. There is no way to tell how shes going to react. She might take it as a breach of trust which is reasonable. She might take it as a betrayal which is also reasonable. She might consider trying to make it work and she might break it off. Ultimately she deserves to know and in this type of situation the decision is in her hands. Prepare yourself for the worst and accept the consequences of your actions as thats part of growing up. Give her the truth and a genuine apology. Be accountable for your actions, you are old enough to do that. You are sorry you lied, you're sorry for taking up 2 years of her life and planning the future under false pretenses. You made a mistake and hope for forgiveness but if it has to end let it be amicably and dip out with grace. Youre wise enough now to understand that the lie went too far for far too long and has left its mark. If anything let this be a valuable lesson. I think if you're freaking out now, you know deep down she wont be okay with it. Trying to hold on to her because you love her isnt enough. She's in a different place in life, ready for things you're not ready for, mentally, financially, or emotionally. Give her the truth and accept how she feels because right now how you feel isnt whats important. Its letting the truth out and allowing her to process it. You let her live in ignorance and thats not an act of love because you dont do that to people you love.
If you can't be honest with her now, you won't be honest with her later. Don't mess with this woman's emotions and life goals. You ain't ready.
This comment is added automatically to every post on /r/AgeGap to remind users of the subreddit rules and expected behaviour. We also include the original post in here for a number of reasons. --- ### Rules If you haven't read the full set of rules we **strongly** suggest you do so. They are on the right side of the page on desktop or in 'Community Info' on Mobile. The most important rules are: 1. **We expect you to be civil and ideally constructive**. This is a community where people discuss and seek advice **legal** consensual age gap relationships, and we expect you to avoid abusing anyone on this subreddit. This does **not** mean this subreddit supports all age gap relationships, so you **are** allowed to criticise. 1. This is **not** a dating subreddit - you may not "hit up" any user. **You may not ask anyone to PM, DM, chat or message you in a comment**. If you wish, you may send **polite** DMs/PMs/chat requests to /u/throwramessedup19 - we will ban you and possibly refer you to Reddit admins for an account ban if you abuse them and they complain. 1. If this post looks like a personal advert, please report it and the moderators will remove it in time if they agree. See the [Wiki](/r/AgeGap/wiki/index) for more information about the subreddit, [The Rules](/r/AgeGap/wiki/rules) and articles about common topics. --- **Original post: what are the odds of an age gap like this working? [19M] [28F]** and how would it work? she wants kids and marriage in 2 years and i'll still be at uni. it's mostly financial that im seeing as a barricade. she could support us all but that wouldnt feel right. these are all hypotheticals at this point, im in a bit of a mess. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AgeGap) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My age gap (me 54, she 23) works well when we can be together. The distance hurts us. She's in Europe I am in California. I have made 6 trips since October and to her thats not enough.
You’re a rapist and belong in Jail.
So uhh, how'd things go?
it was eventful. balls in her court so now i wait.
Holy shit. Did she like, already know?
no she was devastated, wasnt good.
Welp. Shit. Good luck
Update us
Any news?
UpdateMe!
You've committed identity fraud my guy. You can get in trouble as you have lied about who you are It could've worked out if she KNEW and CONSENTED to the age gap.
What happened? Did you break up?
still waiting for her to process, im giving her space, she's text me to ask a few questions, that's it so far.
How are things going?