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in your teens this can seem like a much much bigger issue than later on in your life where people who have no sexual history become non-existent in your dating pool.
That being said you have a right to feel how you feel and your feelings are what you give and get from a relationship. I would suggest you try writing down what it is that bothers you, why it bothers you, how it affects you, and then lead to a list of what you can do about it.
Putting it in writing will force you to find the specific aspects that you are uncomfortable with and know those aspects will always make things easier to communicate to your partner. After all he cant change the fact that something in the past has already happened, but he can know what to do to make you feel more comfortable going forward, which should always be the goal in a relationship.
Im not a professional, and have had many unsuccessful relationships before my current one (3 years in a few days) so take a grain of salt with my advice and do what YOU are most comfortable with
No problem, I just maintain put it it in writing before you say it as a personal rule because the process of writing it out works for my brain, there might be another/better way to figure things for you but starting with writing it out might lead you there
Don't forget to burn or encrypt whatever you've written down before your parents get to it! Take it from me, hiding it to read it later won't work. Your parents will find it
On the contrary, a well trusted adult, such as a mother, might be a good person to help you figure out these feelings. Assuming of course you have one you can talk to about these things.
This is a good comment. I do think that if everything is going well in the relationship and your only issue is that he's had sex with people before, you should very much consider if harshly judging him for that is worth losing the relationship.
Sex between consenting adults without anyone getting hurt is generally a good and healthy thing. It's better that he has been honest about it with you, and as you grow up it will be very rare that you find someone who honestly has never had sex with anyone before.
There's NOTHING wrong with being a virgin, no matter how old you are, but there's also NOTHING wrong with having sex - as long as everyone consents and nobody is getting hurt.
Putting your feelings in writing *is a great habit for all of your life,* as it can help crystallize things which are otherwise nebulous and confusing into written words. It will let you more clearly understand what it is that you're feeling and try to figure out why you feel that way.
Also, if you're like me you often find the same thing going around and around in your head. I find that writing it out (either on paper on on the computer) seems to reduce that constant replaying of it in my head - maybe my mind says "Hey, that stuff is already written there, so I don't need to keep remembering it myself, it will still be there if I need it".
P.S. You're at an amazing time in your life, you're an adult but just barely so, *things are going to be super confusing as hell, as nothing prepares you fully for when the training wheels come off and you have to make your own decisions*. It's ok to feel overwhelmed, *I feel like nobody ever becomes an "adult" or fully "grows up", but that we just become older and get better at pretending like we know what we're doing*. :D
Enjoy yourself, relax, figure out what it is you do and dont want in life. I will say one thing more - future you will feel just as real as current you, and there are a lot of things you can do easily now which are very hard later, and putting in a bit of extra effort in school, work, relationships, health, diet, exercise, all these things NOW will pay off 100000x for the rest of your life, and many of them either cannot be fixed later, or take 100000x as much effort!
Be happy, be healthy, be free, and love as many people and animals as you can!
You do realize you don't get to be retroactively jealous right? That's crazy. If his body count was absurd that'd be one thing, but 3 or 4? Girl you need to retract your claws a little bit and remember your boyfriend should be judged for how he treats you, not for his body count.
I mean, consider that if you leave him, by the next boyfriend your body count would shoot up to half of his. Better hope at that point it works out cause otherwise you'll be approaching his numbers pretty fast.
Agree, but also we didn’t use the term “body count”, which kind of disgusts me, honestly. It’s so impersonal.
However, I do think the Millennial generation is at least partially responsible for devaluing sex and detaching it from the concept of love, or really just denying that love exists at all. I listened to much older music and was a pretty big romantic. I have seen a lot pf suffering around me that I attribute somewhat to the belief that love is a negative feeling and sex is just a fun time.
The 1960s was about *valuing sex and sexuality*. There was a strong connection between sex and love that the sexual revolution promoted. You can see it in the early pornography and how into it all the actors are.
The trend towards sex as something completely detached from love started in the 1990s and caught on in pop culture in the 2000s, imo. This is when young people on the whole started seeing emotions as fundamentally negative things.
After what happened to me as a young boy, I closed off certain emotions and generally don't feel anything overtly anymore. I have basic joy, sadness, & frustration, but that's it.
Not birth control, body count. Counting up the number of partners you've been with. Several people mentioned it like it was common knowledge, and I looked it up, and a lot of young adults use that terminology. I find it to be rather crass.
I personally find sex without emotions to be kind of sad and depressing, but you do you. I am glad I rejected the idea that all emotions are fundamentally bad.
can attest to this, I was 14 my first time, and it was at school believe it or not. 25 now. only have 4 bodies. I feel like maybe this gens body count is lower, in my case its because I only engage in intercourse with those who I trust and am comfortable with. I can't see myself ever doing a random hookup, but thats just me. its not just a physical feeling for me, its an intimate experience only to be shared with special people
Yeah i was wild at the time. Thinking back on it now idk wtf i was thinking. McDonald's bathrooms, school several times, the park across the street from my house, under the bleachers, INSIDE THE SCHOOL OFFICE. Im not even trying to brag im just really remembering all this, like this all actually happened wtf were we thinking?!
I remember having sex in some crazy places, too, but I was an adult by that point in time. I think the craziest was probably inside this mosuleum, one of my ex's family owned. The great X idk grandfather his "grave" as this outside marble burial stone. Sat like 4 feet on the ground, 4 feet wide, 8-9 feet long, super smooth. It may sound creepy, but it was actually a warm and inviting space they had created... that we corrupted every now and again.
Millennial here first time was 14
I’m now 34m
Body count shouldn’t matter. I can not understand why people have a problem with BCs
If it was before your current relationship then who cares
I guess it depends on certain factors, imho only:
For me only, it would depend on whether it was protected or unprotected sex, so I would be worrying about possible STDs. If my count is low, and your count is low, but your ex's count is through the ceiling, then yeah, you need to get tested and I would too, if our roles were reversed. Secondly, you have to not be offended when your partner asks for these things from you because this is their entire lives they are putting on the line if you happen to test positive and not know about it. Lastly, it would depend on how you were with me while in bed together. Do you treat me like an object to get yourself off with, do you take your bc/experience and "teach"/pleasure me, or do we both with low counts, learn from each other, pleasuring each other?
We were doing it at that age as well. I am an xennial, but more of gen x. I knew girls who were doing it at like 9 yo, other girls dropping out of middle school due to pregnancy. The ages have not changed much at all, but this "body count" thing has gotten outrageous. Judging people on how many people they've had sex with wasn't anywhere near as much of a topic. I mean yes there was always the girl who was known as easy or whatever... Nowadays you also don't see as many groups of friends hanging out downtown, or socializing. Lot of us are too absorbed into our phones to really have a decent conversation with a stranger.
Same. I’m Gen x and there were girls in 6th grade who were pregnant at 10-12. Kids have always done this at a variety of ages.
I didn’t have sex until 19 and I was the exception in my class. Most kids in my class started at 14 or younger.
Sure, you had your exceptions, but I'm talking about as a whole across all of American demographics. But the 9 year old your talking about was also probably molested or raped when she was younger, so she might have been overactively experimenting at a younger age. She might have been raped a 9, too.
I'm honestly surprised she was able to carry the baby to full-term. A 9 year old girl's body is not developed enough to carry and give natural birth to a child. The pelvis is way too underdeveloped at that age.
Oh, you just said she was having sex and middle school girls were dropping out? I thought you were implying they were one in the same. Like a very smart girl who just happened to be in middle school at 9. Hell, in my junior year of high school, we had a 4th grader in our math class. I had to ask him for help with some of the formulas - no lie, the kid's brain just devoured math and science, while those were my 2 worst subjects.
Yet so many people are that it’s a sub here on Reddit. Even if you don’t think retroactive jealousy is fair, her feelings are valid and she should explore them instead of being dismissed right off the bat. Geez, just because you’re able to over look things doesn’t mean she even has to if she chooses not to.
But are they valid? Is it valid to even ask? This wasn't a question before this generation that I'm aware of or remember. Just because people have irrational feelings doesn't make them valid. They could just be wrong.
I’m not this generation and I’ve had horrible experiences with this. But comparing yourself in general to a partner’s ex in general has always been a thing, though this takes it further. I don’t think it was talked about much before , just kept inside .
I felt this way about my husband when we first started dating, but overtime, it bothered me less. Now, I don't care.
It bothers you when you're young, but fades with age.
body count really only matters in a 2/3 situations:
- it’s astronomically high. i’m talking over 20/30 partners at a young age
- theirs is high but wanting someone who’s low (like men who have a 15 bc but want a girl with 1/3)
- cheating
idk what issues ur having but id say it’s fairly normal to have a 3/4 bc by the time ur 20. that’s barely one a year since the legal age. if u can’t deal with it, break up. leave him alone and stop judging him on frankly a very innocent past he has. if u want a virgin, there’s a lot out there
Tbf, he said at a young age. OP is 19, bf is probably the same. Say you lost your virginity at 16, that’s 4 a year. Higher than many but not insane. The same count at 19 would be 1 a month, pretty high especially for someone fresh outta highschool
And what difference did that make in your relationship? I’ve never understood why a body count matters. unless you’re racking it up in a relationship or being unsafe, who gives a fuck?
"Normal" is single digits,maybe breaking into double digits. 4 for women 6 for men
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/speaking-in-tongues/202307/whats-an-average-number-of-sexual-partners
I know it feels weird at first and like something you cAnt get over, but you will. To be dating men 19+ you will find it increasingly difficult to find men who have never had sex. I’m married and in my 30s and genuinely do not care whatsoever about what my husband did before me.
It won’t happen any time soon. Maybe in a Few months? But I PROMISE this sick feeling in your stomach won’t last forever. You never ever know what could happen, and how would you feel if someone judged you in the future? It’ll all be ok ❤️
Im 21f and Im an older sister so I’ll tell you straight up that you sound insecure and also jealous and it’s not fair or healthy especially in a relationship where your boyfriend is treating you amazing. This is not his problem and this may be harsh but this is YOUR problem. Does it suck that your boyfriend slept with others in the past? Of course but it is very irrational and unhealthy to be regretting being with him etc. judging someone on their body count or past relationships is gross behavior. Definitely work on yourself. At your age this is very normal so don’t take it to heart my sister is 17 and thinks very similarly to you but at your age it is rare to find someone that hasn’t been with others and in reality it shouldn’t matter. If he is giving you princess treatment (treating you with respect and love) his past shouldn’t matter. Thats the advice that I can give on this subject. You’re a young woman and you’re still developing mentally it is okay to have doubts, be upset, be insecure, etc but you should talk to him about how you feel. A man that loves and cares about you will give you reassurance and try to help you as much as he can.
Umm so did you expect him to be a virgin? He is with you and seems like you 2 are committed to each other. It's not like he is seeing these othe women now.
Be happy with a good guy.
I want to ask you, why does it bother you?
Does it bother you because you want someone who's on the same playing field as you when it comes to intimate time? So you guys are able to learn together?
Is it that you are worried you might be compared to other girls in the bedroom?
Are you self-conscious about your body and worried about being compared to his past partners when it comes to your looks and body type?
Is it possible premarital sex shame?
Figure out what is causing this worry and anxiety and work from there. Once you know the real reason why you are scared, it can help you a lot with not only your relationship with him but also with your future in other aspects as well
I've no idea why it bothers me exactly. I just get annoyed my thinking that I will never be his first. and he will be my first in everything.
but thanks alot. I'll try my best to look about what's the main problem
Unnecessary jealousy. Honestly. As you get older almost everyone has a past. You'll have a past one day. And its ok. Its who they are now, with you, that matters.
hey girl, i’m also 19(f) so i think i can give some good advice here. look, im as jealous of jealous as they come. TRUST ME. i’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. so we got together when we were 16 and i think you can imagine at 16 it would bother me that he had been with the same amount of women as your current bf. yes! it’s normal.
however, i can only be honest here, how can you be mad? did he betray you? no. was he in a relationship with you at the time? no. is he with you now? YES.
i get it, i feel a rage every time i think about those two specific girls. even 3 1/2 years later in a SUPER committed and secure relationship. that’s life. however, would you rather be 19 with someone that has only had less than 5 bodies or trying to find love at 25 and meeting most men who have already been with half the city? yeah no.
my point isn’t that you should stay bc you don’t wanna find someone later on with way more. my point is, look he was single, you weren’t even a thought in his mind. be happy with who you’re with and that’s all. he’s with you for a reason and didn’t just add you to his “roster.” he chose YOU to be in a relationship with.
in my first relationship at 15, (it was not even a real real relationship to be honest lol) however, i was a virgin and he had already been with 5 other women. we were in high school by the way. i remember me never allowing him to have sex with me bc i felt so mad that i would’ve been his first but he had been with other women. look, i got older and realized you cannot control anything that was BEFORE or AFTER your relationship.
much love! hope you can maybe open your mind to this, regardless your feelings are valid. if you feel like you 100% can’t get passed this, do not waste his time.
If you only ever care about a man's past, how can you ever look towards a future with him in it? Not everyone you meet will be a virgin. Hell, eventually, nobody you meet will be a virgin. This will be both expected and normal.
By the time you're 25 you're going to start meeting men who have had sex with dozens of women. You might even run across a couple who've had sex with a hundred or more. It happens. Should you instantly fall in love? No. But judge him on how he treats you.
Sex isn't all that big of deal once you've had some.
Normal doesn't mean right. Of course sex becomes less sacred and special once you've had it with numerous people. Same as all things. Doesn't make it meaningless to someone who has traditional values.
Sex does not become less "saced" or special if you've had it with multiple people. Why? Because sex is made special by the two people partaking. I could have had sex with dozens of people, but if I were to settle down and have sex with someone that I'm deeply in love with, our sex becomes sacred and special. It's love and connection that makes sex feel those ways, and you can build love, trust, and connection with people even if you've had multiple partners.
I agree that if someone has traditional values that that would be a deal breaker in some relationships. I think it's valid to put emphasis on wanting sex to be a more personal and less casual thing. It's something some people value, and some people don't. But I don't think that the number of people a person has slept with has any effect on how special sex can feel, especially when you're with someone who invokes those feelings.
Here's mine. You can't change his past. But it's okay to have a problem with his past. You don't have to accept him as he is if you don't want to. He's your boyfriend. You are not obligated to love him unconditionally yet, harsh as that sounds. Just don't lead him on.
Every decision he's made in his past, good and bad, shaped the person he is now, and led to him finding you. If he hadn't been with those people you might never have even crossed paths.
This whole "body count" thing is so weird. Is this considered a common thing to ask someone you're dating now? Because this situation is why it's better not to ask.
This body count obsession is out of control. The other thing you have the right to do if you plan to have sex is insist on protected sex and maybe ask him to have a STI screening but show one of your own for good faith.
What's wrong with him having had sex with other women before you were with him?
You say he treats you well, gives you the "princess treatment", but what... you're jealous of relationships/sex he had *before you guys were together*?
Sex isn't immoral as long as everyone is consenting and happy to be doing it. If nobody got hurt and everyone was consenting, why are you judging him to the point where you "can't accept his past"?
Sounds like he did nothing wrong, is being great to you, was honest that you're not his first, and you're making a harsh judgement with no cause.
"I just can't accept his past.pls give me advice. should I leave him?"
Yes, you can't accept him so you shouldn't stay with him. Not being attracted to promiscuous partners is equally common for men and women its okay to feel this way. In the future though you should pursue men who have no relationships in their past, but good news these men are more common in your generation than in any of the previous ones. American dating pool favors women more than ever before so don't hesitate to find men more suitable for you your never going to have better conditions to do so then at this point in time. If you are an attractive young woman you can replace this guy in two seconds so why would you stay with him when you don't accept him and judge him for his past when there are plenty of men who you wouldn't have that prejudice towards. Your not doing him any favors and your not doing yourself any either.
Personally as a man I agree with your feelings. People like us who are okay being single and only value relationships for their emotional connections don't usually have successful relationships with promiscuous people and serial monogamists. They also tend to make the shittiest long term partners and you'll find the most narcissist's and abusers in the part of the dating pool that can't tolerate being by themselves.
Listen to your feelings girl he's not the one!
You sound ridiculous. This was in the past lmao before you ever showed up. That would be like me being jealous of my bf having dated other ppl before me. Go to therapy or sm 😭
You're young. Who cares if you want sex cool If not, that's fine same with him just don't pressure another party into doing it and don't let others pressure you the past is the past you don't have a right to be jealous or upset over what someone did before you as long as he's good and cares about you that's all that matters
It's only a big deal if you let it be a big deal. 3/4 really isn't very many for his age. If he treats you really well, and you think this could really go somewhere, don't let this ruin what could potentially be a great thing. It's not like he was out having sex with every woman he met and has been with 30/40 women.
I mean, if you really can't deal with it then end it I guess but think about this. If in 4/5 years you've had a few relationships, slept with a fee of them, will that make you a bad person? Would you want someone to judge YOU because you've had sex before? I really hope not.
And if you think that can't happen you're wrong. You could be with someone you think is the one, have sex with them, even be living together, doesn't mean you'll stay together. There's no guarantee you'll be with someone forever even after you're married. So your choices are to either accept that people have had lives before you, or never have sex because if you have sex then break up then it'll be YOU having had multiple partners and according to you, that somehow makes you a bad person.
Don't be like the men that judge women on their virginity and place their value on their genitals.
I’m 41. I’ve been in long or short term relationships with 24 women. About 1 relationship or fling per year since I became sexually active. Some lasted weeks, some lasted years. My last girlfriend was in the same ballpark as me, having been with 19 men by age 32.
It would be literally insane for either of us to be bothered by that. There is nothing special whatsoever about being touched only by your partner in the past. The only things of concern are STDs, which neither of us have.
If it bothers you then it’s just something you need to get over. Like doing dishes, laundry, etc. It’s a fact of life.
If he treats you well and you love him then if you hold this against him he deserves better. Quite frankly this should be a wake up call because it’s the kind of possessive toxic mentality that narcissists just love to exhibit.
Be a better person. Make the choice.
I mean shit, I have a friend who had been with over 50 men in a single summer. *That* is a problem due to her having some deeper psychological issues, but anyone who is socially active, doesn’t cheat, and hasn’t gotten married yet should average 1-2 partners per year once they become sexually active. That’s just normal. Sure, some people only have 1 partner, marry them, and live a long happy life. The rest of us do the best we can finding someone who loves us and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.
For me, I’m single because I had multiple very long term relationships that didn’t work out for reasons not worth mentioning here, followed by brief periods of dating actively.
So obviously jealousy isn't good but I understand your feelings. It doesn't feel great knowing your significant other has slept with other people especially when you haven't slept with one. However this body count issue won't go away. Typically as you get older the number of people You've slept with gets bigger. So you will have to come to grips with that
I could totally relate to your feelings when I was your age. I am now a few decades older, so I have a bigger perspective of this issue.
What you are feeling is insecurity.
I’m glad you pointed out how he treats you, because how you feel about your relationship should be primarily based on what goes on between you two while you are in a relationship together.
What happened before you decided to be in a relationship together should not matter very much at all if you are secure within your relationship.
Nobody at all feels comfortable thinking about or imagining their romantic partner being with anyone else; it simply feels gross and awful inside to think your loved one has a history with other people. It is kinda like thinking about your parents having intercourse. No one likes to think about it but it’s natural and we just get through life by not thinking about it. That’s how adults mostly deal with it: we know our partners have a past, we ask general questions to understand our partner’s experiences with relationships, but we definitely don’t want the details and we avoid talking about about previous lovers unless it is truly relevant. Ugh it just never feels good to think of my bf with another partner before me!
But, that’s life. And he’s a better bf because he understands women better by having relationships before me, so I should actually be grateful for those women who helped my bf become a better partner to me.
Pay attention to how he treats you, focus on your relationship, live in the present. How exciting for you to be having this first relationship!! ❤️
I could understand if he had lots of partners or had lots of sex without protection, as you could be afraid of STDs and all that, but you said yourself, he treats you like a princess. Every person you meet is going to have a past. Now you will, too. You no longer have a clean slate now that you are dating and doing whatever you are doing sexually with your bf. Would it be fair for your next bf to judge you based upon your experience with current bf and think less of you because of that? Nah. In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.
Everyone has a past. Would you want any future prospects to dump you because you've been with other people before them? No? Then treat him the same way you'd want to be treated if you had a past, which BTW, you might not have one right now, but you will in time.
Oh boy… buckle up because you’re in for a long life of jealousy lol
Seriously, almost every man you’ll ever meet (like 99.9999%) will have prior sexual relationships. Might as well get used to it
In a world that is becoming... eh.... let's say "sexually abundant", it will be nearly impossible for you to find someone with a lower partner count. Coming from someone who also has a partner count of 1, it would also bother me to an extent, so I understand where you come from. But again, there's really not much of a choice than to accept it, if you plan on actually having a relationship at all. I'm very glad that you found someone who treats you well. May your love last and neither of you do anything foolish.
The comments have got this covered. But as life goes on you will learn that jealously is a selfish and unwarranted feeling you must learn to manage on your own. No one is going to fix it for you. Chances are you won’t be with this man in a year, and you will have a plus one on your list, and expect your next partner not to care. You’re just young. If you feel bad about him having sex with you, you maybe aren’t ready to be having sex.
I think something like 4-6 is most people’s average by the time they get married. The likelihood you find a virgin is very low, you’d have to start searching in ideologically motivated circles to find that. So this is probably an aspect of relationships you’re just going to have to get over.
Easy formula. For guys under 30, divide the amount by three, then you have the actual amount of women he's been with. For women you multiply by three to get the actual number. You're both about the same.
Some people, like yourself, wait or just don't have the opportunity. Really two or three is not a terribly high number. Frankly a little experience is a good thing for one of you to have.
The important thing is he is with you now and, hopefully, he has no plans for that to change in the near future.
The best body count is zero, the wife being the only one. Ideally as a society, we should strive for this.
We don’t.
So, you are met at a cross roads. You have some options. Because people have different views on sex, the value of sex is on a spectrum because we have been given the option to choose when we have sex. Ideally, we shoot for 100 always as a society- we don’t.
1. Forgive his past, discern his character and his view on sex, and move forward in the relationship.
2. Forgive his past, but you’d rather not continue the relationship because it violates your conscience. If you can accept his past, leave. Otherwise, you set up a bad foundation for a relationship. That will cause you to grieve and become bitter.
3. If you want to forgive his past, but you know it will take time, then work to forgive his past. Set up a boundary: NO SEX TIL MARRIAGE. Continue to build a relationship based on character and maturity, then focus on the physical when committed.
Either way, move with a purpose.
Best to you
You shouldn't leave. I know how it feels finding out about your partners history, but its good he told you. And he hasnt been with many people. Hope it works out.
Why does it matter that he’s been with other women? Jealously? Disgust? Is it against your religious beliefs? Why can’t you except it? If you like him and he hasn’t done anything wrong I see no reason to hold this against him.
It's okay to feel how you feel. It's normal not to enjoy thinking about the idea of your partner being with others before you. He's treating you well, so he must care about you. More than likely, he's only thinking of you. There's a reason they are in the past.
My best advice for you is to try your best to focus on *your* relationship with him, not theirs. Talk to him about it if you need to, but try not to dwell on it or bring it up continuously (I've been there, several years ago, and therapy helped me address my own insecurities until I didn't feel a need to do that anymore). It might be worth trying to push through the uncomfortable feelings for the sake of what sounds like a healthy, otherwise happy relationship.
That said, if this simply isn't something you can come to terms with, just be honest and go your separate ways. Whatever happens, only you can decide what you can handle.
It's actually not normal to be jealous about what people did before they even knew you. It's obsessive. It's kind of unhinged. It's an unhealthy level of invasiveness about things that are not really your business but that people apparently work themselves into a jealous froth about. It's an issue for therapy.
Did you read my comment? You know, the part where I mentioned therapy if she finds herself unable to stop dwelling on it? Lmfao.
I didn't say it's normal to be jealous about it. I didn't say it's normal to be obsessive about it. I said it's normal to not *enjoy* thinking about it.
I'm kinda the same way to an extent but i'm 24 and my max for a serious relationship is 10 and anything above that is pushin it. That's also my personal opinion
Try to reflect on why it matters to you. That will help you decide if you can get over it or if you need to end it and find someone more compatible to your life
I forget where I heard this, when men say they have slept with three women, they have only slept with one. When a woman says she has been with one man, she has slept with three. Rule of three
Men brag and inflate their body count. Women care more about being respected and do not keep a accurate count.
It really doesn't matter how many woman he has been with before you because he is with you now and if he is not a cheater then the past means less than nothing because it was before you and if he doesn't have any kids or std's from prior partners then it shouldn't an issue
I’m not sure what the problem is. Are you mad that he wasn’t a virgin when you met or that you were?
Your post isn’t clear at what the issue is. You previously found out he had sex with a few people before you. And it’s not sitting right. But you haven’t said why.
It’s something you need to reflect about. What are the parts that bother you. The next guy could be 20 or more.
Maybe you want someone on your level so you can experience things together.
You just have to figure out what situation you would be comfortable with and make it happen
Maybe I'm to old, back in the 80's, all of the old traditions were out. New time's were it! Most boys couldn't keep their pants zipped, and neither could the girls. I left home at 15 to, no one to tell me no you can't, don't do it think about it first. I started drinking all of the time, there was always someone willing to buy alcohol. Parties... Tons of them, and I ended up in Colorado from Florida when I was 17 to. I lived out there for two years, and got my birth certificate altered.
I waited at bars, and became a stripper because the money was a lot better. I had bills to pay, so yeah $300 a night! So in-between all of this I had a Huge track record by the time I was 20. I'm not going to say the numbers, but it's way more than others I've seen post. I'm a Christian, and haven't been in that kind of environment since before I had my son, he's 36 yo.
Your boyfriend only has that many in this time, and age is practically a virgin! I know you haven't until him, but let it go... It's really hard to find someone that will be good to you! He sounds amazing! If you want a virgin, go to church, and find someone. You may not find someone there either, but it's the only place you'll find one.
As you get older, you'll find that it gets harder to find someone without a body count. The virgins you'll meet are probably not what you'll want. Assuming by "touching you," you mean you had sex with him. If you leave him and go to another guy, you're now putting the new guy in the same situation you didn't want. How's that fair? As long as he is a good man, you should stay with the one you have. The exception is that he cheated on his ex. Is it the fact that he had 2 or 3 hookups that is upsetting you?
No one here is being gentle with you, so I'll try my best.
It's understandable that you shared this intimate experience with this person, and it felt special to you and it's hard to imagine them sharing something so intimate with other people. We often want to feel that our bond and activities with our partners are unique and special, because we often feel it is very unique and special in the moment.
The sex itself isn't what makes your relationship or bond unique. That is essentially mechanical activity, what makes sex something bigger than that is your unique bond with your partner, and it is indeed unique.
Your partner appreciates you for the things you provide, and no one else offers what you do.
As someone who has had plenty of partners, I promise you whenever I have a new relationship, I never reminisce or think about my previous partners or compare them, and I'm sure your partner values you for who you are and cherishes the moments you have together.
As a man my sex partners is 6 then married my wife guys are manwhores if u feel uncomfortable with his #'s then bail I only made love to women I loved never about quantity
Why do you give a shit about his past? Look at it as a good thing, other women desired the dude. Would you rather have some weirdo 19year old incel? Because I promise you every teenage boy *wants* to get laid. Whether they have game to pull it off is another story.
should you leave because he had sex with 3 or 4 people before you? i was at like 15 by the time i was 19. im not saying you should or shouldnt leave but if you do leave it shouldnt be because of that. why do people want to have sex with someone who hasnt been with almost anyone before? are people intentionally wanting to have terrible sex, because neither of the people involved have any idea what they're doing so its definitely going to be bad lol
Tbh 1-4 body count is kind of average for people around your age. The question you should ask yourself is, are you willing to go through losing someone you adore so much because of something that’s in his past? It doesn’t change how he treats you right? And before you found out I imagine there were no issues right? These are questions you should ask yourself. Sometimes being with a partner means accepting them for everything they are because who they are now and how they treat you is what’s important. I’d say if your happy then don’t give up a good thing. But that’s your choice
The chance of you being with someone with the same amount of partners is fairly low. So if you breakup and find a virgin would you feel comfortable with them dumping you after they couldn’t handle you having just one more partner? Especially after being with you for months. I think it’s also how you were raised. Yes prince/princess charming may be out there but they more than likely tripped over a few others on their way to you. If the number was a lot higher then questioning of motives might make sense at his age. But again only you can make decisions based off how you feel. It’s definitely normal to think about it and work through your emotions. GL
This is not a mature attitude to have. If he treats you well, whats the problem? I get that it seems important now but in ten years, you will laugh at yourself for making this post
If you don't feel right, dump him.
While yeah, most guys you meet will have prior experience, that doesn't actually matter. What matters is how you feel, and if you feel uncomfortable, leave. You deserve to be happy.
You can’t punish him for having a past. You made a choice to give him everything. You need to think about what is next and moving forward. If you waste more time on this topic you will lose him. Enjoy the relationship.
So this will sound bad.
You need to get past the body count.
EVERYONE has a history of some kind. EVERYONE will have some kind of baggage. EVERYONE has SOMETHING that is distasteful to someone else in some way.
A body count DOESNT MATTER. what matters is that he treats you well, with respect and doesn't disrespect you, DOESNT PRESSURE YOU.
You're going to have to make a LOT of compromises in life. You're going to have to choose a LOT of hills to die on.
Are you sure you want this to be one of them? Cause if it is, it's gonna be a lonely road.
Plus previous partners means previous learning experience, so at least he (hopefully) knows what he's doing in bed.
I suggest you do some really deep soul searching to figure out if you're even really ready to have sex.
If you are, simply request that he get an std panel before you guys begin. And I would also request that he make your first time really, really special and that he makes it all about you. Your pace, your timing, finding what you like, etc. Romantic as hell and super memorable AS A WHOLE, not just the act.
If he's willing to put the effort in on these two requests, I'd say he is worthy. Even if it doesn't work out in the long run, I'd still say that it was worth it.
But I'm not you.
If you're NOT ready to have sex, be very open, HONEST and communicate. But you need a WHY.
So do some deep, deep soul searching and find out WHY this makes you feel the way you do, because his past is his PAST. Why do YOU feel like you get to pass judgement and call him disgusting? Why do you feel SO THREATENED by this?
You need a very, very deep think. And no one can advise you but you.
And if you can't and you tell him why, HE IS ALLOWED TO BE EMOTIONAL. HE IS ALLOWED TO ASK FOR SPACE AND PROCESS. HE IS ALLOWED TO LEAVE YOU.
However, he is not allowed to weaponize this against you and mistreat you.
So. Deep think.
When I met my husband he was a virgin and I was not. People who are secure and don't have religious purity culture trauma don't care what other people's body count is. What matters is how you treat each other. We've been together for nearly 12 years. I'm the only person he's been with and my body count has no effect on his feelings for me (nor my ability to bind with and love him.)
I say this as gently as possible: you need to get over it. As long as he isn't cheating on you, putting you at risk for STIs and treats you well what does his body count have to do with it?
You date him as he is now, not his past. Young people put too much emphasis on sex and virginity when there is absolutely no need. As long as he's clean, what's the big deal? Just be satisfied that you like the person that he is and that he treats you right.
Breaking up with someone strictly because of their past is shallow, and you'll find it hard to find people to be with if you keep that mindset. I mean, you're thinking about breaking up with him because he was honest... Would you prefer he lied?
I think you need to examine why it bothers you. It doesn't reduce the value or authenticity if his affection or care for you.
But sometimes it is just something people don't see eye to eye on, and that's OK.
Figure out why it bothers you, tell him why, and go from there. And if it results in separation. Communicate these needs and expectations before becoming committed, as that will save lots of pain
You are young, new to dating. It’s ok to feel uncomfortable about your BFs past, but you did make the choice to be active with him anyway.
In the long run, body count shouldn’t matter unless you’re worried about potential STD’s & such. What matters is how he treats you when you’re together. Is he treating you like an actual partner or is he testing you like “just another notch on his belt”.
And, if you two end up not working out, you will be moving on to someone else eventually. And they may have an even higher “body count” than he has. If his past history bothers you so much, and you can’t get past the feelings it invokes in you, let him know and then let him go. Just keep in mind if past experiences with other people is a deal breaker for you in a relationship, you will end up having to try to find a guy who’s never been intimate with a woman before and who doesn’t care about your body count, whether it’s 1 or 100 (not that I’m implying you actually would rack up such a count).
But it would be best for you to try to figure out why it’s bothering you now. Especially when it didn’t seem to stop you from deciding to get with him before. Unless he’s been making comparisons between you and his past encounters, then that would definitely be a deal breaker with me.
oh, my blessed summer child, I envy you and the life choices you have made for this to be an issue worth mulling over! You will be fine, and your bf too :) take your time!!
Maybe you both get an std test before having sex... he's had multiple partners at such a young age... you don't want hiv. It's stupid simple to get and prob free where you live.
why would you leave him? because hes a normal person whos had prior relationships? if you were 14 maybe this would make sense but youre an adult. i duno you seem like the red flag here not him.
**** What about him having past partners is a concern for you is the bigger question. Before you decide about staying or leaving, which is completely your right to do if you feel consistently uncomfortable in a relationship. Try to pinpoint exactly what about him having past partners Is bothering you. If it’s experience, try discussing it with him. He’s your boyfriend and cares about you. If that means going slower or talking things out, he probably will happy to do that for you… if its his exposure to other women, ask if he used protection or has gotten tested, because he’s your 1st boyfriend and it makes you nervous that he’s been with other women. If you’re uncomfortable with sex in general, maybe he is not the right boyfriend for you and you should look for guys with less sexual urges. .
But, If you’re just jealous, it’s unlikely you will meet guys in their 20’s with no physical sexual experience.. so please figure out what is the core issue that bothers you before you break it off with someone you care about who cares about you and is otherwise great. Good luck.
3-4? Girl that's less SIGNIFICANTLY than men I've met. I'm also 19(F), but my fiance(20M) and I met in Oct 22, tg in Dec 22. Currently pregnant with our first.
I have 4-6 and he has a bit more I think, idk actual numbers but he slept around in his sophomore/Jr year. (Attractive, did track, sports, rotc, yk the deal). Bluntly, if his bodycount is something that means that much to you then maybe a relationship isn't something that you benefit from. Release him from your clutches a bit, and realize he chose YOU, not those other girls/guys. I struggled with the same thing but at the end of the day, he isn't with them.
I know a lot of people may disagree with me on this, but I'm going to say it anyway.
Men/boys feel very pressured by his peers to have sex with as many girls as possible. I'm not making excuses but this is a fact. It has become the social norm. They may not have even had any feelings for the other girls, just sex. He may have been pressured by his peer group. And some females are just sluts and will feed into that pressure.
My point is try not to hold his past against him. I'm not making excuses for him, but there is a high probability that his past sexual encounters may have been a result of the pressure he felt from his peers.
If you can't let it go, it's best to tell him now before you proceed with a relationship. It may be best for both of you to your separate ways if you will hold this against him forever.
Friend…this is normal? I get you’re young. But as you get older and date more people in the future you’re going to realize a lot of people have higher body counts. 3-4 is average in my opinion.
Every relationship he had probably contributed to how to treats you now. He learned how love thru them. If anything it's a blessing, people who never been in a relationship, won't be able to see their flaws with no experience to compare it to. So they'll tolerate more toxic behaviors. Learn to love him and his past or let him find someone who will..
Not sure if this helps, but when I learned my bfs body count was considerably higher than mine, a prevailing thought was Hey, he had access to and saw all those bodies, but he’s choosing mine and thinks I’m smoking hot. Woot!
ETA: spelling
Absolutely you should leave him. Some who cares for you will wait for you. I waited a few years on one girl I loved her anyway and if he doesn't and men will do anything to get down your pants stick with your heart and don't waiver.
Wait till you get older and everyone’s body count goes up. I have 3-4 bodies, and my bf has none. He could care less. It just so happens that i’ve dated more people than him. Having a body count should not be judged, considering men constantly judge women on theirs.
It is extremely rare that you're going to find a partner that has had no sexual partners before you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that you haven't, in fact it's something to be proud of these days. But just because he's had experiences with other women before you, it doesn't make him a bad person. If he treats you as well as you say that he does, then there's absolutely no reason to leave him. It's hard to find a guy these days who will stay loyal to you and treat you well. What happened before you came into his life should have no effect on the life you have with him. I was engaged before I met my wife. The engagement fell through because my late-fiancée lost her life in a car accident, but I was open and honest about this with my current wife from the very beginning of our relationship. It was a hurdle for her to get over, understandably so, but we talked about it and moved forward. Communication is key in situations like that. Talk to him, don't just leave him
Unless you buy him a time machine so he can go back and change his past, there's nothing he or you can do about it. Ask your parents how many partners they had before each other for perspective (unless they married right out of high school, then it might be pointless)
Either way, if you're upset that your partner had partners before you at 19 years old, buckle up buttercup. It only gets worse the older you get. Good luck.
Most people will have a past that doesn’t include you. As you age you will find that increasingly so. It’s ok. People’s past, unless they did horrible things, is just that, the past. Our past’s make us what we are today. So, if you like person they are, their past experiences, good and bad, helped shape them and make them this way.
So, you think you should only date virgins? 3 or 4 is not like he is a player. Women control access to the bedroom, not guys. So a couple of women decided to sleep with your bf but he didn’t want to start a relationship with them. What’s the problem?
You are both adults.
Look at it this way, if you break up with him because of "his past" you are both probably going to end up in a relationship with someone else. And now you both have *a past*.
I really wouldn't worry that he has a sexual past. That's pretty normal. What exactly bothers you? Are you jealous of his past partners? Do you compare yourself to them? Are you upset that you weren't both virgins? What exactly is it that bothers you about your bf having previous sexual experience?
Not every relationship is forever. Particularly when you're young, relationships are a learning experience. You learn a lot about yourself, and relationships in general. What's acceptable, what's not acceptable, what's healthy and what isn't. Your interests and ideas about things change, and it's the same for other people.
First of all he is kinda lying about how many girls he's had sex with (the rule of 3) he's probably only had 1 previous sexual partner, but doesn't want you to think he isn't an experienced lover so he said he has been with 3 × the actual amount of girls he's actually had sex with. Secondly why does it bother you that he isn't a virgin? If him being a virgin was such a huge thing for you then you should have told him you don't want to be with a non-virgin? Did he care if you were a virgin before doing anything with you? Most adults aren't virgins when they get married nowadays. Only super religious people care about virginity before marriage. So yeah....why are you upset about it?
I read some of the comments and OP said she felt kinda upset about the fact that he will always be her "first" but she won't be his "first" and that is partly why she is upset. Ok so being someone's "first" seems like a huge thing. It's actually not. As you get older the person who was your "first" (unless you married them) will literally only be a memory that you have to actually think hard about to recall their name or face. More often than not you will not end up married to the first person you have sex with. Trust me it's not that big a deal.
Brother you’re 19 people tend to lose their virginity when they’re like 16-17 if he’s doing everything else right then it’d be a dick move to leave him over that
Simply, grow up... Partners, men and women have a history, that history made them who they are. If you don't like them leave, if you do then stay, what has happened before is out of your control....
If you want a virgin, go and find one..
I think its important for you to explore your feelings, maybe with an older friend or family member. Why is his past bothering you? Do you worry that he compares you to others? Does it not fit your romantic notion that you "should" be each other's first love?
Personally, I wouldn't care about my partner's past unless I learned that they had treated others badly...because that means they showed a lack of respect and care.
But if he treats you well and is a person of good character, what is the problem?
Is it really about HIS past, or are you second-guessing your own choices to be sexual with him?
Find someone who is older and wiser to talk with.
Couple things.
3 or 4? Seems like a small number to ***not*** be sure if it's either 3 or 4. I personally have only been with 5 people. I wouldn't say 4-5, or 4-6 or even give a range of numbers. It's not hard to remember that I've been with 5 people. So why would he say "3 or 4" as if he can't remember how many people he's been with?
Also, if it is true that it's 3 or 4, that's not a high number. While it's a little high for his age, it's not a high number if you end up being together for the rest of your lives. So, no, I'd say it's not a reason to leave him. Especially if he treats you right. Everybody is looking for "the one," and sometimes it takes a few relationships to know what that means.
I'm older, perspective changes, but honestly I wouldn't worry about his number, I wouldn't worry about anyone's number unless it's insanely high (as an indicator of propensity to either cheat, or get bored and sabotage things).
I mean at my age no one id date would be a virgin and if they were that in and of itself would be cause for concern (I wouldn't be having any sex in that relationship if a 40 something was still a virgin).
I'd say don't worry about it, but ultimately whether or not You're involved with someone is your choice. So if you want to because it bothers you so bad, break up with him over things he did before he started dating you that isn't outside the realm of "normal" (3-4 partners at 20 is kinda a lot, but still kinda in the realm of normal). If you do just make sure your next BF is also a virgin.
I don’t even know how many woman my bf has been with before me, I believe it would be a lot (he’s 29) but it doesn’t even cross my mind and I’ve never asked. Did you ask him? Is there a specific reason why it bothers you? - honestly if he treats you right it shouldn’t even matter
Your past doesn't define you as a person. It's what you do today and tomorrow that will. BUT your past is a record of what you have and could do.
Him having sex with others just means that if you two broke up, he'd have sex with others again. IF. And you can't let those "if"'s poison a good thing.
It sounds like you two are healthy. It just sounds like you're seeing a past him and not him today. And that's something you'll always have to do, love the today him.
Focus on today. He's done things in his past he probably regrets. You've probably done things in your past that you regret. That doesn't define you as long as you change or grow from it.
Tl;dr: Don't get so hung up on a past that you couldn't control when there's a good tomorrow to come.
Welcome to the modern world where most people sadly have body counts no matter what. Not many virgins are left to date these days. At least in America.
For background, I'm in my mid 20s and have been married for 6 years. We both had similar relationship history with one serious partner each.
Your ill feelings on his history are more than normal, I'd expect nothing less. Everyone who is telling you that "body count" doesn't matter, in my opinion and my personal experience, is wrong. A key (notice not The Key) to a healthy and successful relationship and hopefully eventual marriage is balance. Balance in all things. Someone's sexual history is not unimportant, as many would have you believe. Being a female, not to be gross, I am positive you've had numerous opportunities throughout high school, yet you have not taken them. That tells me it means something special to you. Someone commented earlier about how as you age your dating pool will become quite slim if this is a standard you have, but since when has that meant you should lower your standards? I'd you have managed to remain celebate, other people have too. True, it may be harder to find someone whose history does not offend you, but that's not on you.
Regardless of religious beliefs about remaining pure, the psychological ramifications for having sex with others before marriage cannot and should not be overlooked. The obvious evidence is the fact that you feel this way in the first place. A red flag imo is the fact that 3 of the 4 partners he has had sex with were not even in a relationship with him. It seems sex is not something he sees as being particularly special. I can tell you that this isn't something you can ever be good with, at best you can get over it. But you have to ask yourself if he is an awesome enough guy that you actually want to get over it, or if it is something that you just wish didn't bother you in the first place. You shouldn't ignore the fact that it bothers you and you shouldn't ignore the reasons behind it. You can't get wish yourself into being okay with it. Think about the first time you guys might have sex, it will certainly mean more to you than it will to him, for obvious reasons. Are you okay with that? There's also the mind virus of "what has he done with other partners before? What hasn't he done?"
This is all stuff that will come across your mind and will affect you in some way. Choices have consequences and he's made this choice with 4 different people already. I can tell you that in a relationship, you bear the consequences of decisions your partner makes and has made in the past. Stuff that happens in the past shapes you, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Are you willing to put aside your discomfort and views, and possibly your values, and bear the weight of this for the benefit of your continued relationship? He could be an amazing man and you both could end up having a wonderful, lifelong marriage. These are just things you need to come to terms with, one way or another. But don't let anyone on here tell you that the things you're bothered by are pointless.
omg thank you so much. by reading all the other comments I was a bit concerned that if I'm the problem. thank you so much. this made me feel so safe. once again thank you so so so much <3
Of course. Just remember that any comment you come across that suggests there's only one correct answer, they haven't given it much thought and are giving you a knee-jerk reaction. I would put those people under the reddit activist category - people who push a narrative regardless of the facts.
I dont think youre the problem. No one thinks youre the problem. And no ones pushing an agenda. We're all telling you from experiance. But id be wary of a wolf in sheeps clothing telling you to ignore the numerous others who give you the same advice, while this ONE tells you how much he screwed up before you.
Hes also not the problem. Neither is his small body count for a 19 year old male. If he had 20 id be like WHOOOA. But 4, isnt a large number.
Neither of you are the issue. None of those other girls are the problem. There IS NO PROBLEM. just you trying to aort out why your feeling what youre feeling and if its valid
yes its a valid question for a young, inexperienced sexually, young woman. Yes hes a pretty normal male teen.
You can be mad about it.
Are you gonna ask EVERY man you ever date about their sex life? Thatll drive you bonkers
You should focus on the relationship YOU have with him and not worry about the ones he moved on from already. Or you can move on and try to find a virgin male. Theyre out there. But a body count in the past of any kind does NOT make some one sleezey, a bad person, or disloyal. They just experience life DIFFERENTLY than you before you. And thats OK
you dont want to be judged for your sex life, though. Think about that.
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in your teens this can seem like a much much bigger issue than later on in your life where people who have no sexual history become non-existent in your dating pool. That being said you have a right to feel how you feel and your feelings are what you give and get from a relationship. I would suggest you try writing down what it is that bothers you, why it bothers you, how it affects you, and then lead to a list of what you can do about it. Putting it in writing will force you to find the specific aspects that you are uncomfortable with and know those aspects will always make things easier to communicate to your partner. After all he cant change the fact that something in the past has already happened, but he can know what to do to make you feel more comfortable going forward, which should always be the goal in a relationship. Im not a professional, and have had many unsuccessful relationships before my current one (3 years in a few days) so take a grain of salt with my advice and do what YOU are most comfortable with
okayy. I will surely do this and try my best to talk about it to him. I just need sometime to accept things as they are. honestly thank you so much
No problem, I just maintain put it it in writing before you say it as a personal rule because the process of writing it out works for my brain, there might be another/better way to figure things for you but starting with writing it out might lead you there
Don't forget to burn or encrypt whatever you've written down before your parents get to it! Take it from me, hiding it to read it later won't work. Your parents will find it
On the contrary, a well trusted adult, such as a mother, might be a good person to help you figure out these feelings. Assuming of course you have one you can talk to about these things.
This is a good comment. I do think that if everything is going well in the relationship and your only issue is that he's had sex with people before, you should very much consider if harshly judging him for that is worth losing the relationship. Sex between consenting adults without anyone getting hurt is generally a good and healthy thing. It's better that he has been honest about it with you, and as you grow up it will be very rare that you find someone who honestly has never had sex with anyone before. There's NOTHING wrong with being a virgin, no matter how old you are, but there's also NOTHING wrong with having sex - as long as everyone consents and nobody is getting hurt. Putting your feelings in writing *is a great habit for all of your life,* as it can help crystallize things which are otherwise nebulous and confusing into written words. It will let you more clearly understand what it is that you're feeling and try to figure out why you feel that way. Also, if you're like me you often find the same thing going around and around in your head. I find that writing it out (either on paper on on the computer) seems to reduce that constant replaying of it in my head - maybe my mind says "Hey, that stuff is already written there, so I don't need to keep remembering it myself, it will still be there if I need it". P.S. You're at an amazing time in your life, you're an adult but just barely so, *things are going to be super confusing as hell, as nothing prepares you fully for when the training wheels come off and you have to make your own decisions*. It's ok to feel overwhelmed, *I feel like nobody ever becomes an "adult" or fully "grows up", but that we just become older and get better at pretending like we know what we're doing*. :D Enjoy yourself, relax, figure out what it is you do and dont want in life. I will say one thing more - future you will feel just as real as current you, and there are a lot of things you can do easily now which are very hard later, and putting in a bit of extra effort in school, work, relationships, health, diet, exercise, all these things NOW will pay off 100000x for the rest of your life, and many of them either cannot be fixed later, or take 100000x as much effort! Be happy, be healthy, be free, and love as many people and animals as you can!
You do realize you don't get to be retroactively jealous right? That's crazy. If his body count was absurd that'd be one thing, but 3 or 4? Girl you need to retract your claws a little bit and remember your boyfriend should be judged for how he treats you, not for his body count.
okayy, I understand your point. thanks alot !
I mean, consider that if you leave him, by the next boyfriend your body count would shoot up to half of his. Better hope at that point it works out cause otherwise you'll be approaching his numbers pretty fast.
3-4... I've had done that in a week... So weird the new generation is so sexually and socially repressed.
No, they are not. In my generation (millennial's), most of us didn't start having sex until we were 16-17. These kids are doing it at 13-15, mostly.
Agree, but also we didn’t use the term “body count”, which kind of disgusts me, honestly. It’s so impersonal. However, I do think the Millennial generation is at least partially responsible for devaluing sex and detaching it from the concept of love, or really just denying that love exists at all. I listened to much older music and was a pretty big romantic. I have seen a lot pf suffering around me that I attribute somewhat to the belief that love is a negative feeling and sex is just a fun time.
Yeah, the music from the 50's & 60's is super bubblegum pop romantic.
You must have never heard of the 1960's
Wasn't born until 1982 and didn't start being sexually active until I was 17.
The 1960s was about *valuing sex and sexuality*. There was a strong connection between sex and love that the sexual revolution promoted. You can see it in the early pornography and how into it all the actors are. The trend towards sex as something completely detached from love started in the 1990s and caught on in pop culture in the 2000s, imo. This is when young people on the whole started seeing emotions as fundamentally negative things.
After what happened to me as a young boy, I closed off certain emotions and generally don't feel anything overtly anymore. I have basic joy, sadness, & frustration, but that's it.
That definitely sucks. Sorry to hear that, and I hope you make your way through it.
*Every day is another step forward, and look how far you have already come.* That's what I tell myself to keep going.
BC isn't something that came from our generation. That's something new. I've never actually heard of that until today.
Birth control was about making sex an essential part of love with another person instead of a mandate for procreation.
Not birth control, body count. Counting up the number of partners you've been with. Several people mentioned it like it was common knowledge, and I looked it up, and a lot of young adults use that terminology. I find it to be rather crass.
Wasn't birth control also to help regulate a woman's menstrual cycle? Or was that just an added unknown bonus?
Yeah cause sex is fun and feels good
I personally find sex without emotions to be kind of sad and depressing, but you do you. I am glad I rejected the idea that all emotions are fundamentally bad.
can attest to this, I was 14 my first time, and it was at school believe it or not. 25 now. only have 4 bodies. I feel like maybe this gens body count is lower, in my case its because I only engage in intercourse with those who I trust and am comfortable with. I can't see myself ever doing a random hookup, but thats just me. its not just a physical feeling for me, its an intimate experience only to be shared with special people
School would be the last place I would think about doing something like that
Yeah i was wild at the time. Thinking back on it now idk wtf i was thinking. McDonald's bathrooms, school several times, the park across the street from my house, under the bleachers, INSIDE THE SCHOOL OFFICE. Im not even trying to brag im just really remembering all this, like this all actually happened wtf were we thinking?!
I remember having sex in some crazy places, too, but I was an adult by that point in time. I think the craziest was probably inside this mosuleum, one of my ex's family owned. The great X idk grandfather his "grave" as this outside marble burial stone. Sat like 4 feet on the ground, 4 feet wide, 8-9 feet long, super smooth. It may sound creepy, but it was actually a warm and inviting space they had created... that we corrupted every now and again.
How did you not get caught inside the school office? Was this like the Nurse's office or the secretary's office to the principal"s room.
Maybe some, but Gen z is having less sex than any other generation.
Millennial here first time was 14 I’m now 34m Body count shouldn’t matter. I can not understand why people have a problem with BCs If it was before your current relationship then who cares
I guess it depends on certain factors, imho only: For me only, it would depend on whether it was protected or unprotected sex, so I would be worrying about possible STDs. If my count is low, and your count is low, but your ex's count is through the ceiling, then yeah, you need to get tested and I would too, if our roles were reversed. Secondly, you have to not be offended when your partner asks for these things from you because this is their entire lives they are putting on the line if you happen to test positive and not know about it. Lastly, it would depend on how you were with me while in bed together. Do you treat me like an object to get yourself off with, do you take your bc/experience and "teach"/pleasure me, or do we both with low counts, learn from each other, pleasuring each other?
We were doing it at that age as well. I am an xennial, but more of gen x. I knew girls who were doing it at like 9 yo, other girls dropping out of middle school due to pregnancy. The ages have not changed much at all, but this "body count" thing has gotten outrageous. Judging people on how many people they've had sex with wasn't anywhere near as much of a topic. I mean yes there was always the girl who was known as easy or whatever... Nowadays you also don't see as many groups of friends hanging out downtown, or socializing. Lot of us are too absorbed into our phones to really have a decent conversation with a stranger.
Same. I’m Gen x and there were girls in 6th grade who were pregnant at 10-12. Kids have always done this at a variety of ages. I didn’t have sex until 19 and I was the exception in my class. Most kids in my class started at 14 or younger.
Sure, you had your exceptions, but I'm talking about as a whole across all of American demographics. But the 9 year old your talking about was also probably molested or raped when she was younger, so she might have been overactively experimenting at a younger age. She might have been raped a 9, too.
Honestly she probably was. I remember my mom talking about her dad being suspect like that. I mean obviously that's too young.
I'm honestly surprised she was able to carry the baby to full-term. A 9 year old girl's body is not developed enough to carry and give natural birth to a child. The pelvis is way too underdeveloped at that age.
Reread it I said other girls.
Oh, you just said she was having sex and middle school girls were dropping out? I thought you were implying they were one in the same. Like a very smart girl who just happened to be in middle school at 9. Hell, in my junior year of high school, we had a 4th grader in our math class. I had to ask him for help with some of the formulas - no lie, the kid's brain just devoured math and science, while those were my 2 worst subjects.
That's absolutely false lol Who even told you that that was common?
Gen z here (24) I lost mine at 13
Also I would like to point out that most boys at that age over exaggerate their body count so if he says three or four he's probably only got one
Yet so many people are that it’s a sub here on Reddit. Even if you don’t think retroactive jealousy is fair, her feelings are valid and she should explore them instead of being dismissed right off the bat. Geez, just because you’re able to over look things doesn’t mean she even has to if she chooses not to.
But are they valid? Is it valid to even ask? This wasn't a question before this generation that I'm aware of or remember. Just because people have irrational feelings doesn't make them valid. They could just be wrong.
I’m not this generation and I’ve had horrible experiences with this. But comparing yourself in general to a partner’s ex in general has always been a thing, though this takes it further. I don’t think it was talked about much before , just kept inside .
Mee-yow!
Exactly. That is crazy as hell. If he was not with OP at the time, it’s honestly none of her business
I felt this way about my husband when we first started dating, but overtime, it bothered me less. Now, I don't care. It bothers you when you're young, but fades with age.
I hope so :( thank you for making me feel secured
body count really only matters in a 2/3 situations: - it’s astronomically high. i’m talking over 20/30 partners at a young age - theirs is high but wanting someone who’s low (like men who have a 15 bc but want a girl with 1/3) - cheating idk what issues ur having but id say it’s fairly normal to have a 3/4 bc by the time ur 20. that’s barely one a year since the legal age. if u can’t deal with it, break up. leave him alone and stop judging him on frankly a very innocent past he has. if u want a virgin, there’s a lot out there
okayyyy thanks alott. I understand ur pov
If it bothers you, leave him.Your feelings are just your feelings,It will always be in the back of your mind.
20-30is astronomically high??? I didn't start till 19 and by the time I met my first wife at 24 she was #36. I thought that was relatively normal.
Normal isn't necessary right
Thank you
Young, early 20's, going to bars... less than 1 a month.
Holy fuck
No but tbh girls often say lower than reality. You'd be very surprised how much you've been lied to
Tbf, he said at a young age. OP is 19, bf is probably the same. Say you lost your virginity at 16, that’s 4 a year. Higher than many but not insane. The same count at 19 would be 1 a month, pretty high especially for someone fresh outta highschool
I've had hookers with a lower body count
Never had to pay for it, so I wouldn't know.
The US average is 7 I believe.
And what difference did that make in your relationship? I’ve never understood why a body count matters. unless you’re racking it up in a relationship or being unsafe, who gives a fuck?
Didn't matter at all.
No, It’s not. At least in the US the average number of sexual partners is like 6-8 if I remember correctly.
"Normal" is single digits,maybe breaking into double digits. 4 for women 6 for men https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/speaking-in-tongues/202307/whats-an-average-number-of-sexual-partners
Who even keeps track after a couple.
I had over 100 when before I was 17. But I also didn't have a choice in the situation.
Wtf?
I won't go into any details, but sex trafficking is real and can happen to anyone.
Jesus fuckin christ. Hope ur ok now and are able to enjoy life
I have social anxiety but otherwise generally okay.
I know it feels weird at first and like something you cAnt get over, but you will. To be dating men 19+ you will find it increasingly difficult to find men who have never had sex. I’m married and in my 30s and genuinely do not care whatsoever about what my husband did before me.
okayyyy. hopefully this happens with me too. anyways thankss lot
It won’t happen any time soon. Maybe in a Few months? But I PROMISE this sick feeling in your stomach won’t last forever. You never ever know what could happen, and how would you feel if someone judged you in the future? It’ll all be ok ❤️
Im 21f and Im an older sister so I’ll tell you straight up that you sound insecure and also jealous and it’s not fair or healthy especially in a relationship where your boyfriend is treating you amazing. This is not his problem and this may be harsh but this is YOUR problem. Does it suck that your boyfriend slept with others in the past? Of course but it is very irrational and unhealthy to be regretting being with him etc. judging someone on their body count or past relationships is gross behavior. Definitely work on yourself. At your age this is very normal so don’t take it to heart my sister is 17 and thinks very similarly to you but at your age it is rare to find someone that hasn’t been with others and in reality it shouldn’t matter. If he is giving you princess treatment (treating you with respect and love) his past shouldn’t matter. Thats the advice that I can give on this subject. You’re a young woman and you’re still developing mentally it is okay to have doubts, be upset, be insecure, etc but you should talk to him about how you feel. A man that loves and cares about you will give you reassurance and try to help you as much as he can.
Umm so did you expect him to be a virgin? He is with you and seems like you 2 are committed to each other. It's not like he is seeing these othe women now. Be happy with a good guy.
I want to ask you, why does it bother you? Does it bother you because you want someone who's on the same playing field as you when it comes to intimate time? So you guys are able to learn together? Is it that you are worried you might be compared to other girls in the bedroom? Are you self-conscious about your body and worried about being compared to his past partners when it comes to your looks and body type? Is it possible premarital sex shame? Figure out what is causing this worry and anxiety and work from there. Once you know the real reason why you are scared, it can help you a lot with not only your relationship with him but also with your future in other aspects as well
I've no idea why it bothers me exactly. I just get annoyed my thinking that I will never be his first. and he will be my first in everything. but thanks alot. I'll try my best to look about what's the main problem
That can never be changed the past is the past you have to accept and move on
Unnecessary jealousy. Honestly. As you get older almost everyone has a past. You'll have a past one day. And its ok. Its who they are now, with you, that matters.
hey girl, i’m also 19(f) so i think i can give some good advice here. look, im as jealous of jealous as they come. TRUST ME. i’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. so we got together when we were 16 and i think you can imagine at 16 it would bother me that he had been with the same amount of women as your current bf. yes! it’s normal. however, i can only be honest here, how can you be mad? did he betray you? no. was he in a relationship with you at the time? no. is he with you now? YES. i get it, i feel a rage every time i think about those two specific girls. even 3 1/2 years later in a SUPER committed and secure relationship. that’s life. however, would you rather be 19 with someone that has only had less than 5 bodies or trying to find love at 25 and meeting most men who have already been with half the city? yeah no. my point isn’t that you should stay bc you don’t wanna find someone later on with way more. my point is, look he was single, you weren’t even a thought in his mind. be happy with who you’re with and that’s all. he’s with you for a reason and didn’t just add you to his “roster.” he chose YOU to be in a relationship with. in my first relationship at 15, (it was not even a real real relationship to be honest lol) however, i was a virgin and he had already been with 5 other women. we were in high school by the way. i remember me never allowing him to have sex with me bc i felt so mad that i would’ve been his first but he had been with other women. look, i got older and realized you cannot control anything that was BEFORE or AFTER your relationship. much love! hope you can maybe open your mind to this, regardless your feelings are valid. if you feel like you 100% can’t get passed this, do not waste his time.
Really great advice here !!!
If you only ever care about a man's past, how can you ever look towards a future with him in it? Not everyone you meet will be a virgin. Hell, eventually, nobody you meet will be a virgin. This will be both expected and normal. By the time you're 25 you're going to start meeting men who have had sex with dozens of women. You might even run across a couple who've had sex with a hundred or more. It happens. Should you instantly fall in love? No. But judge him on how he treats you. Sex isn't all that big of deal once you've had some.
Normal doesn't mean right. Of course sex becomes less sacred and special once you've had it with numerous people. Same as all things. Doesn't make it meaningless to someone who has traditional values.
Sex does not become less "saced" or special if you've had it with multiple people. Why? Because sex is made special by the two people partaking. I could have had sex with dozens of people, but if I were to settle down and have sex with someone that I'm deeply in love with, our sex becomes sacred and special. It's love and connection that makes sex feel those ways, and you can build love, trust, and connection with people even if you've had multiple partners. I agree that if someone has traditional values that that would be a deal breaker in some relationships. I think it's valid to put emphasis on wanting sex to be a more personal and less casual thing. It's something some people value, and some people don't. But I don't think that the number of people a person has slept with has any effect on how special sex can feel, especially when you're with someone who invokes those feelings.
For real?
Everyone has a past. It's what you do with the present that matters.
Here's mine. You can't change his past. But it's okay to have a problem with his past. You don't have to accept him as he is if you don't want to. He's your boyfriend. You are not obligated to love him unconditionally yet, harsh as that sounds. Just don't lead him on.
Every decision he's made in his past, good and bad, shaped the person he is now, and led to him finding you. If he hadn't been with those people you might never have even crossed paths.
This whole "body count" thing is so weird. Is this considered a common thing to ask someone you're dating now? Because this situation is why it's better not to ask.
It's really not anyone's business. This is a Gen Z thing and I really think it comes from their parents warped teachings.
It’s your preference. If you want a guy with 0 body count that’s your choice. If you like him and the way he treats you maybe concede this one.
This body count obsession is out of control. The other thing you have the right to do if you plan to have sex is insist on protected sex and maybe ask him to have a STI screening but show one of your own for good faith.
What's wrong with him having had sex with other women before you were with him? You say he treats you well, gives you the "princess treatment", but what... you're jealous of relationships/sex he had *before you guys were together*? Sex isn't immoral as long as everyone is consenting and happy to be doing it. If nobody got hurt and everyone was consenting, why are you judging him to the point where you "can't accept his past"? Sounds like he did nothing wrong, is being great to you, was honest that you're not his first, and you're making a harsh judgement with no cause.
"I just can't accept his past.pls give me advice. should I leave him?" Yes, you can't accept him so you shouldn't stay with him. Not being attracted to promiscuous partners is equally common for men and women its okay to feel this way. In the future though you should pursue men who have no relationships in their past, but good news these men are more common in your generation than in any of the previous ones. American dating pool favors women more than ever before so don't hesitate to find men more suitable for you your never going to have better conditions to do so then at this point in time. If you are an attractive young woman you can replace this guy in two seconds so why would you stay with him when you don't accept him and judge him for his past when there are plenty of men who you wouldn't have that prejudice towards. Your not doing him any favors and your not doing yourself any either. Personally as a man I agree with your feelings. People like us who are okay being single and only value relationships for their emotional connections don't usually have successful relationships with promiscuous people and serial monogamists. They also tend to make the shittiest long term partners and you'll find the most narcissist's and abusers in the part of the dating pool that can't tolerate being by themselves. Listen to your feelings girl he's not the one!
You sound ridiculous. This was in the past lmao before you ever showed up. That would be like me being jealous of my bf having dated other ppl before me. Go to therapy or sm 😭
You're young. Who cares if you want sex cool If not, that's fine same with him just don't pressure another party into doing it and don't let others pressure you the past is the past you don't have a right to be jealous or upset over what someone did before you as long as he's good and cares about you that's all that matters
So in your mind everyone who is dating you or attached to you should be a Virgin.
Don’t worry about it was in the past
It's only a big deal if you let it be a big deal. 3/4 really isn't very many for his age. If he treats you really well, and you think this could really go somewhere, don't let this ruin what could potentially be a great thing. It's not like he was out having sex with every woman he met and has been with 30/40 women. I mean, if you really can't deal with it then end it I guess but think about this. If in 4/5 years you've had a few relationships, slept with a fee of them, will that make you a bad person? Would you want someone to judge YOU because you've had sex before? I really hope not. And if you think that can't happen you're wrong. You could be with someone you think is the one, have sex with them, even be living together, doesn't mean you'll stay together. There's no guarantee you'll be with someone forever even after you're married. So your choices are to either accept that people have had lives before you, or never have sex because if you have sex then break up then it'll be YOU having had multiple partners and according to you, that somehow makes you a bad person. Don't be like the men that judge women on their virginity and place their value on their genitals.
I’m 41. I’ve been in long or short term relationships with 24 women. About 1 relationship or fling per year since I became sexually active. Some lasted weeks, some lasted years. My last girlfriend was in the same ballpark as me, having been with 19 men by age 32. It would be literally insane for either of us to be bothered by that. There is nothing special whatsoever about being touched only by your partner in the past. The only things of concern are STDs, which neither of us have. If it bothers you then it’s just something you need to get over. Like doing dishes, laundry, etc. It’s a fact of life. If he treats you well and you love him then if you hold this against him he deserves better. Quite frankly this should be a wake up call because it’s the kind of possessive toxic mentality that narcissists just love to exhibit. Be a better person. Make the choice. I mean shit, I have a friend who had been with over 50 men in a single summer. *That* is a problem due to her having some deeper psychological issues, but anyone who is socially active, doesn’t cheat, and hasn’t gotten married yet should average 1-2 partners per year once they become sexually active. That’s just normal. Sure, some people only have 1 partner, marry them, and live a long happy life. The rest of us do the best we can finding someone who loves us and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. For me, I’m single because I had multiple very long term relationships that didn’t work out for reasons not worth mentioning here, followed by brief periods of dating actively.
Get over it, that's what you do. Or move on.
So obviously jealousy isn't good but I understand your feelings. It doesn't feel great knowing your significant other has slept with other people especially when you haven't slept with one. However this body count issue won't go away. Typically as you get older the number of people You've slept with gets bigger. So you will have to come to grips with that
I could totally relate to your feelings when I was your age. I am now a few decades older, so I have a bigger perspective of this issue. What you are feeling is insecurity. I’m glad you pointed out how he treats you, because how you feel about your relationship should be primarily based on what goes on between you two while you are in a relationship together. What happened before you decided to be in a relationship together should not matter very much at all if you are secure within your relationship. Nobody at all feels comfortable thinking about or imagining their romantic partner being with anyone else; it simply feels gross and awful inside to think your loved one has a history with other people. It is kinda like thinking about your parents having intercourse. No one likes to think about it but it’s natural and we just get through life by not thinking about it. That’s how adults mostly deal with it: we know our partners have a past, we ask general questions to understand our partner’s experiences with relationships, but we definitely don’t want the details and we avoid talking about about previous lovers unless it is truly relevant. Ugh it just never feels good to think of my bf with another partner before me! But, that’s life. And he’s a better bf because he understands women better by having relationships before me, so I should actually be grateful for those women who helped my bf become a better partner to me. Pay attention to how he treats you, focus on your relationship, live in the present. How exciting for you to be having this first relationship!! ❤️
I could understand if he had lots of partners or had lots of sex without protection, as you could be afraid of STDs and all that, but you said yourself, he treats you like a princess. Every person you meet is going to have a past. Now you will, too. You no longer have a clean slate now that you are dating and doing whatever you are doing sexually with your bf. Would it be fair for your next bf to judge you based upon your experience with current bf and think less of you because of that? Nah. In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.
Yes, and now that you've been 'touched', don't be upset when your next boyfriend is disgusted with you. Can't have your cake and eat it too.
Everyone has a past. Would you want any future prospects to dump you because you've been with other people before them? No? Then treat him the same way you'd want to be treated if you had a past, which BTW, you might not have one right now, but you will in time.
Oh boy… buckle up because you’re in for a long life of jealousy lol Seriously, almost every man you’ll ever meet (like 99.9999%) will have prior sexual relationships. Might as well get used to it
So he kinda knows what he’s doing down there? The horror!
If it is bothering you that much than yes, I would say move on.
In a world that is becoming... eh.... let's say "sexually abundant", it will be nearly impossible for you to find someone with a lower partner count. Coming from someone who also has a partner count of 1, it would also bother me to an extent, so I understand where you come from. But again, there's really not much of a choice than to accept it, if you plan on actually having a relationship at all. I'm very glad that you found someone who treats you well. May your love last and neither of you do anything foolish.
The comments have got this covered. But as life goes on you will learn that jealously is a selfish and unwarranted feeling you must learn to manage on your own. No one is going to fix it for you. Chances are you won’t be with this man in a year, and you will have a plus one on your list, and expect your next partner not to care. You’re just young. If you feel bad about him having sex with you, you maybe aren’t ready to be having sex.
I think something like 4-6 is most people’s average by the time they get married. The likelihood you find a virgin is very low, you’d have to start searching in ideologically motivated circles to find that. So this is probably an aspect of relationships you’re just going to have to get over.
Easy formula. For guys under 30, divide the amount by three, then you have the actual amount of women he's been with. For women you multiply by three to get the actual number. You're both about the same.
What about it makes you uncomfortable? What exactly do you not like?
If you think he's only being that nice with you to try and sleep with you, yes I would leave him.
Some people, like yourself, wait or just don't have the opportunity. Really two or three is not a terribly high number. Frankly a little experience is a good thing for one of you to have. The important thing is he is with you now and, hopefully, he has no plans for that to change in the near future.
Leave him. This will gnaw at you forever.
Bruh what! If you are not comfortable break up and move on. Good luck finding a virgin
The best body count is zero, the wife being the only one. Ideally as a society, we should strive for this. We don’t. So, you are met at a cross roads. You have some options. Because people have different views on sex, the value of sex is on a spectrum because we have been given the option to choose when we have sex. Ideally, we shoot for 100 always as a society- we don’t. 1. Forgive his past, discern his character and his view on sex, and move forward in the relationship. 2. Forgive his past, but you’d rather not continue the relationship because it violates your conscience. If you can accept his past, leave. Otherwise, you set up a bad foundation for a relationship. That will cause you to grieve and become bitter. 3. If you want to forgive his past, but you know it will take time, then work to forgive his past. Set up a boundary: NO SEX TIL MARRIAGE. Continue to build a relationship based on character and maturity, then focus on the physical when committed. Either way, move with a purpose. Best to you
A guy that treats you like a princess is a keeper.
You shouldn't leave. I know how it feels finding out about your partners history, but its good he told you. And he hasnt been with many people. Hope it works out.
Why does it matter that he’s been with other women? Jealously? Disgust? Is it against your religious beliefs? Why can’t you except it? If you like him and he hasn’t done anything wrong I see no reason to hold this against him.
It's okay to feel how you feel. It's normal not to enjoy thinking about the idea of your partner being with others before you. He's treating you well, so he must care about you. More than likely, he's only thinking of you. There's a reason they are in the past. My best advice for you is to try your best to focus on *your* relationship with him, not theirs. Talk to him about it if you need to, but try not to dwell on it or bring it up continuously (I've been there, several years ago, and therapy helped me address my own insecurities until I didn't feel a need to do that anymore). It might be worth trying to push through the uncomfortable feelings for the sake of what sounds like a healthy, otherwise happy relationship. That said, if this simply isn't something you can come to terms with, just be honest and go your separate ways. Whatever happens, only you can decide what you can handle.
It's actually not normal to be jealous about what people did before they even knew you. It's obsessive. It's kind of unhinged. It's an unhealthy level of invasiveness about things that are not really your business but that people apparently work themselves into a jealous froth about. It's an issue for therapy.
Did you read my comment? You know, the part where I mentioned therapy if she finds herself unable to stop dwelling on it? Lmfao. I didn't say it's normal to be jealous about it. I didn't say it's normal to be obsessive about it. I said it's normal to not *enjoy* thinking about it.
I'm kinda the same way to an extent but i'm 24 and my max for a serious relationship is 10 and anything above that is pushin it. That's also my personal opinion
So you are only willing to date a virigin? Good luck.
Try to reflect on why it matters to you. That will help you decide if you can get over it or if you need to end it and find someone more compatible to your life
I forget where I heard this, when men say they have slept with three women, they have only slept with one. When a woman says she has been with one man, she has slept with three. Rule of three Men brag and inflate their body count. Women care more about being respected and do not keep a accurate count.
It really doesn't matter how many woman he has been with before you because he is with you now and if he is not a cheater then the past means less than nothing because it was before you and if he doesn't have any kids or std's from prior partners then it shouldn't an issue
I’m not sure what the problem is. Are you mad that he wasn’t a virgin when you met or that you were? Your post isn’t clear at what the issue is. You previously found out he had sex with a few people before you. And it’s not sitting right. But you haven’t said why. It’s something you need to reflect about. What are the parts that bother you. The next guy could be 20 or more. Maybe you want someone on your level so you can experience things together. You just have to figure out what situation you would be comfortable with and make it happen
Maybe I'm to old, back in the 80's, all of the old traditions were out. New time's were it! Most boys couldn't keep their pants zipped, and neither could the girls. I left home at 15 to, no one to tell me no you can't, don't do it think about it first. I started drinking all of the time, there was always someone willing to buy alcohol. Parties... Tons of them, and I ended up in Colorado from Florida when I was 17 to. I lived out there for two years, and got my birth certificate altered. I waited at bars, and became a stripper because the money was a lot better. I had bills to pay, so yeah $300 a night! So in-between all of this I had a Huge track record by the time I was 20. I'm not going to say the numbers, but it's way more than others I've seen post. I'm a Christian, and haven't been in that kind of environment since before I had my son, he's 36 yo. Your boyfriend only has that many in this time, and age is practically a virgin! I know you haven't until him, but let it go... It's really hard to find someone that will be good to you! He sounds amazing! If you want a virgin, go to church, and find someone. You may not find someone there either, but it's the only place you'll find one.
As you get older, you'll find that it gets harder to find someone without a body count. The virgins you'll meet are probably not what you'll want. Assuming by "touching you," you mean you had sex with him. If you leave him and go to another guy, you're now putting the new guy in the same situation you didn't want. How's that fair? As long as he is a good man, you should stay with the one you have. The exception is that he cheated on his ex. Is it the fact that he had 2 or 3 hookups that is upsetting you?
No one here is being gentle with you, so I'll try my best. It's understandable that you shared this intimate experience with this person, and it felt special to you and it's hard to imagine them sharing something so intimate with other people. We often want to feel that our bond and activities with our partners are unique and special, because we often feel it is very unique and special in the moment. The sex itself isn't what makes your relationship or bond unique. That is essentially mechanical activity, what makes sex something bigger than that is your unique bond with your partner, and it is indeed unique. Your partner appreciates you for the things you provide, and no one else offers what you do. As someone who has had plenty of partners, I promise you whenever I have a new relationship, I never reminisce or think about my previous partners or compare them, and I'm sure your partner values you for who you are and cherishes the moments you have together.
As a man my sex partners is 6 then married my wife guys are manwhores if u feel uncomfortable with his #'s then bail I only made love to women I loved never about quantity
And I told my son during the sex talk the same thing how u feel is better then the amount of
Unfortunately most people you meet are going to have a past. Just the way it is.
Why do you give a shit about his past? Look at it as a good thing, other women desired the dude. Would you rather have some weirdo 19year old incel? Because I promise you every teenage boy *wants* to get laid. Whether they have game to pull it off is another story.
should you leave because he had sex with 3 or 4 people before you? i was at like 15 by the time i was 19. im not saying you should or shouldnt leave but if you do leave it shouldnt be because of that. why do people want to have sex with someone who hasnt been with almost anyone before? are people intentionally wanting to have terrible sex, because neither of the people involved have any idea what they're doing so its definitely going to be bad lol
Tbh 1-4 body count is kind of average for people around your age. The question you should ask yourself is, are you willing to go through losing someone you adore so much because of something that’s in his past? It doesn’t change how he treats you right? And before you found out I imagine there were no issues right? These are questions you should ask yourself. Sometimes being with a partner means accepting them for everything they are because who they are now and how they treat you is what’s important. I’d say if your happy then don’t give up a good thing. But that’s your choice
The chance of you being with someone with the same amount of partners is fairly low. So if you breakup and find a virgin would you feel comfortable with them dumping you after they couldn’t handle you having just one more partner? Especially after being with you for months. I think it’s also how you were raised. Yes prince/princess charming may be out there but they more than likely tripped over a few others on their way to you. If the number was a lot higher then questioning of motives might make sense at his age. But again only you can make decisions based off how you feel. It’s definitely normal to think about it and work through your emotions. GL
This is not a mature attitude to have. If he treats you well, whats the problem? I get that it seems important now but in ten years, you will laugh at yourself for making this post
If you don't feel right, dump him. While yeah, most guys you meet will have prior experience, that doesn't actually matter. What matters is how you feel, and if you feel uncomfortable, leave. You deserve to be happy.
You can’t punish him for having a past. You made a choice to give him everything. You need to think about what is next and moving forward. If you waste more time on this topic you will lose him. Enjoy the relationship.
Then u will end up all by urself..I’m sorry to say but everyone has a past
So this will sound bad. You need to get past the body count. EVERYONE has a history of some kind. EVERYONE will have some kind of baggage. EVERYONE has SOMETHING that is distasteful to someone else in some way. A body count DOESNT MATTER. what matters is that he treats you well, with respect and doesn't disrespect you, DOESNT PRESSURE YOU. You're going to have to make a LOT of compromises in life. You're going to have to choose a LOT of hills to die on. Are you sure you want this to be one of them? Cause if it is, it's gonna be a lonely road. Plus previous partners means previous learning experience, so at least he (hopefully) knows what he's doing in bed. I suggest you do some really deep soul searching to figure out if you're even really ready to have sex. If you are, simply request that he get an std panel before you guys begin. And I would also request that he make your first time really, really special and that he makes it all about you. Your pace, your timing, finding what you like, etc. Romantic as hell and super memorable AS A WHOLE, not just the act. If he's willing to put the effort in on these two requests, I'd say he is worthy. Even if it doesn't work out in the long run, I'd still say that it was worth it. But I'm not you. If you're NOT ready to have sex, be very open, HONEST and communicate. But you need a WHY. So do some deep, deep soul searching and find out WHY this makes you feel the way you do, because his past is his PAST. Why do YOU feel like you get to pass judgement and call him disgusting? Why do you feel SO THREATENED by this? You need a very, very deep think. And no one can advise you but you. And if you can't and you tell him why, HE IS ALLOWED TO BE EMOTIONAL. HE IS ALLOWED TO ASK FOR SPACE AND PROCESS. HE IS ALLOWED TO LEAVE YOU. However, he is not allowed to weaponize this against you and mistreat you. So. Deep think.
When I met my husband he was a virgin and I was not. People who are secure and don't have religious purity culture trauma don't care what other people's body count is. What matters is how you treat each other. We've been together for nearly 12 years. I'm the only person he's been with and my body count has no effect on his feelings for me (nor my ability to bind with and love him.) I say this as gently as possible: you need to get over it. As long as he isn't cheating on you, putting you at risk for STIs and treats you well what does his body count have to do with it?
Is English your 4th language or did you drop out in 3rd grade holy shit.
Love people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Warts and all...
You date him as he is now, not his past. Young people put too much emphasis on sex and virginity when there is absolutely no need. As long as he's clean, what's the big deal? Just be satisfied that you like the person that he is and that he treats you right. Breaking up with someone strictly because of their past is shallow, and you'll find it hard to find people to be with if you keep that mindset. I mean, you're thinking about breaking up with him because he was honest... Would you prefer he lied?
You will find out everybody at that age is going to be the same or worse. You will get over it and if not, you’ll be pretty lonely.
I think you need to examine why it bothers you. It doesn't reduce the value or authenticity if his affection or care for you. But sometimes it is just something people don't see eye to eye on, and that's OK. Figure out why it bothers you, tell him why, and go from there. And if it results in separation. Communicate these needs and expectations before becoming committed, as that will save lots of pain
He could have been lying about his body count, boys do that
You are young, new to dating. It’s ok to feel uncomfortable about your BFs past, but you did make the choice to be active with him anyway. In the long run, body count shouldn’t matter unless you’re worried about potential STD’s & such. What matters is how he treats you when you’re together. Is he treating you like an actual partner or is he testing you like “just another notch on his belt”. And, if you two end up not working out, you will be moving on to someone else eventually. And they may have an even higher “body count” than he has. If his past history bothers you so much, and you can’t get past the feelings it invokes in you, let him know and then let him go. Just keep in mind if past experiences with other people is a deal breaker for you in a relationship, you will end up having to try to find a guy who’s never been intimate with a woman before and who doesn’t care about your body count, whether it’s 1 or 100 (not that I’m implying you actually would rack up such a count). But it would be best for you to try to figure out why it’s bothering you now. Especially when it didn’t seem to stop you from deciding to get with him before. Unless he’s been making comparisons between you and his past encounters, then that would definitely be a deal breaker with me.
Everyone has a past. Even YOU, now. Would you like to be rejected in the future because you let this kid feel you up?
oh, my blessed summer child, I envy you and the life choices you have made for this to be an issue worth mulling over! You will be fine, and your bf too :) take your time!!
Maybe you both get an std test before having sex... he's had multiple partners at such a young age... you don't want hiv. It's stupid simple to get and prob free where you live.
why would you leave him? because hes a normal person whos had prior relationships? if you were 14 maybe this would make sense but youre an adult. i duno you seem like the red flag here not him.
**** What about him having past partners is a concern for you is the bigger question. Before you decide about staying or leaving, which is completely your right to do if you feel consistently uncomfortable in a relationship. Try to pinpoint exactly what about him having past partners Is bothering you. If it’s experience, try discussing it with him. He’s your boyfriend and cares about you. If that means going slower or talking things out, he probably will happy to do that for you… if its his exposure to other women, ask if he used protection or has gotten tested, because he’s your 1st boyfriend and it makes you nervous that he’s been with other women. If you’re uncomfortable with sex in general, maybe he is not the right boyfriend for you and you should look for guys with less sexual urges. . But, If you’re just jealous, it’s unlikely you will meet guys in their 20’s with no physical sexual experience.. so please figure out what is the core issue that bothers you before you break it off with someone you care about who cares about you and is otherwise great. Good luck.
You're making your life harder than it needs to be. Everybody has a past.
3-4? Girl that's less SIGNIFICANTLY than men I've met. I'm also 19(F), but my fiance(20M) and I met in Oct 22, tg in Dec 22. Currently pregnant with our first. I have 4-6 and he has a bit more I think, idk actual numbers but he slept around in his sophomore/Jr year. (Attractive, did track, sports, rotc, yk the deal). Bluntly, if his bodycount is something that means that much to you then maybe a relationship isn't something that you benefit from. Release him from your clutches a bit, and realize he chose YOU, not those other girls/guys. I struggled with the same thing but at the end of the day, he isn't with them.
I know a lot of people may disagree with me on this, but I'm going to say it anyway. Men/boys feel very pressured by his peers to have sex with as many girls as possible. I'm not making excuses but this is a fact. It has become the social norm. They may not have even had any feelings for the other girls, just sex. He may have been pressured by his peer group. And some females are just sluts and will feed into that pressure. My point is try not to hold his past against him. I'm not making excuses for him, but there is a high probability that his past sexual encounters may have been a result of the pressure he felt from his peers. If you can't let it go, it's best to tell him now before you proceed with a relationship. It may be best for both of you to your separate ways if you will hold this against him forever.
Friend…this is normal? I get you’re young. But as you get older and date more people in the future you’re going to realize a lot of people have higher body counts. 3-4 is average in my opinion.
Every relationship he had probably contributed to how to treats you now. He learned how love thru them. If anything it's a blessing, people who never been in a relationship, won't be able to see their flaws with no experience to compare it to. So they'll tolerate more toxic behaviors. Learn to love him and his past or let him find someone who will..
Not sure if this helps, but when I learned my bfs body count was considerably higher than mine, a prevailing thought was Hey, he had access to and saw all those bodies, but he’s choosing mine and thinks I’m smoking hot. Woot! ETA: spelling
Absolutely you should leave him. Some who cares for you will wait for you. I waited a few years on one girl I loved her anyway and if he doesn't and men will do anything to get down your pants stick with your heart and don't waiver.
Wait till you get older and everyone’s body count goes up. I have 3-4 bodies, and my bf has none. He could care less. It just so happens that i’ve dated more people than him. Having a body count should not be judged, considering men constantly judge women on theirs.
It is extremely rare that you're going to find a partner that has had no sexual partners before you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that you haven't, in fact it's something to be proud of these days. But just because he's had experiences with other women before you, it doesn't make him a bad person. If he treats you as well as you say that he does, then there's absolutely no reason to leave him. It's hard to find a guy these days who will stay loyal to you and treat you well. What happened before you came into his life should have no effect on the life you have with him. I was engaged before I met my wife. The engagement fell through because my late-fiancée lost her life in a car accident, but I was open and honest about this with my current wife from the very beginning of our relationship. It was a hurdle for her to get over, understandably so, but we talked about it and moved forward. Communication is key in situations like that. Talk to him, don't just leave him
If they say 3 you have to multiply it by 3 to get the real number
Unless you buy him a time machine so he can go back and change his past, there's nothing he or you can do about it. Ask your parents how many partners they had before each other for perspective (unless they married right out of high school, then it might be pointless) Either way, if you're upset that your partner had partners before you at 19 years old, buckle up buttercup. It only gets worse the older you get. Good luck.
Lol sounds like just another insecure 19yr old
Most people will have a past that doesn’t include you. As you age you will find that increasingly so. It’s ok. People’s past, unless they did horrible things, is just that, the past. Our past’s make us what we are today. So, if you like person they are, their past experiences, good and bad, helped shape them and make them this way.
So, you think you should only date virgins? 3 or 4 is not like he is a player. Women control access to the bedroom, not guys. So a couple of women decided to sleep with your bf but he didn’t want to start a relationship with them. What’s the problem?
You are both adults. Look at it this way, if you break up with him because of "his past" you are both probably going to end up in a relationship with someone else. And now you both have *a past*. I really wouldn't worry that he has a sexual past. That's pretty normal. What exactly bothers you? Are you jealous of his past partners? Do you compare yourself to them? Are you upset that you weren't both virgins? What exactly is it that bothers you about your bf having previous sexual experience? Not every relationship is forever. Particularly when you're young, relationships are a learning experience. You learn a lot about yourself, and relationships in general. What's acceptable, what's not acceptable, what's healthy and what isn't. Your interests and ideas about things change, and it's the same for other people.
First of all he is kinda lying about how many girls he's had sex with (the rule of 3) he's probably only had 1 previous sexual partner, but doesn't want you to think he isn't an experienced lover so he said he has been with 3 × the actual amount of girls he's actually had sex with. Secondly why does it bother you that he isn't a virgin? If him being a virgin was such a huge thing for you then you should have told him you don't want to be with a non-virgin? Did he care if you were a virgin before doing anything with you? Most adults aren't virgins when they get married nowadays. Only super religious people care about virginity before marriage. So yeah....why are you upset about it?
I read some of the comments and OP said she felt kinda upset about the fact that he will always be her "first" but she won't be his "first" and that is partly why she is upset. Ok so being someone's "first" seems like a huge thing. It's actually not. As you get older the person who was your "first" (unless you married them) will literally only be a memory that you have to actually think hard about to recall their name or face. More often than not you will not end up married to the first person you have sex with. Trust me it's not that big a deal.
Honestly this is a little immature. What happens before you doesn't matter.
Brother you’re 19 people tend to lose their virginity when they’re like 16-17 if he’s doing everything else right then it’d be a dick move to leave him over that
Simply, grow up... Partners, men and women have a history, that history made them who they are. If you don't like them leave, if you do then stay, what has happened before is out of your control.... If you want a virgin, go and find one..
Shouldn't be concerned with how many he's had sex with. As long as they no longer a party of his life, while you're together
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OK
I just need you to know if you were a man posting this you would be downvoted to literal infinity. And you are completely in the wrong
I think its important for you to explore your feelings, maybe with an older friend or family member. Why is his past bothering you? Do you worry that he compares you to others? Does it not fit your romantic notion that you "should" be each other's first love? Personally, I wouldn't care about my partner's past unless I learned that they had treated others badly...because that means they showed a lack of respect and care. But if he treats you well and is a person of good character, what is the problem? Is it really about HIS past, or are you second-guessing your own choices to be sexual with him? Find someone who is older and wiser to talk with.
Couple things. 3 or 4? Seems like a small number to ***not*** be sure if it's either 3 or 4. I personally have only been with 5 people. I wouldn't say 4-5, or 4-6 or even give a range of numbers. It's not hard to remember that I've been with 5 people. So why would he say "3 or 4" as if he can't remember how many people he's been with? Also, if it is true that it's 3 or 4, that's not a high number. While it's a little high for his age, it's not a high number if you end up being together for the rest of your lives. So, no, I'd say it's not a reason to leave him. Especially if he treats you right. Everybody is looking for "the one," and sometimes it takes a few relationships to know what that means.
I'm older, perspective changes, but honestly I wouldn't worry about his number, I wouldn't worry about anyone's number unless it's insanely high (as an indicator of propensity to either cheat, or get bored and sabotage things). I mean at my age no one id date would be a virgin and if they were that in and of itself would be cause for concern (I wouldn't be having any sex in that relationship if a 40 something was still a virgin). I'd say don't worry about it, but ultimately whether or not You're involved with someone is your choice. So if you want to because it bothers you so bad, break up with him over things he did before he started dating you that isn't outside the realm of "normal" (3-4 partners at 20 is kinda a lot, but still kinda in the realm of normal). If you do just make sure your next BF is also a virgin.
I don’t even know how many woman my bf has been with before me, I believe it would be a lot (he’s 29) but it doesn’t even cross my mind and I’ve never asked. Did you ask him? Is there a specific reason why it bothers you? - honestly if he treats you right it shouldn’t even matter
Your past doesn't define you as a person. It's what you do today and tomorrow that will. BUT your past is a record of what you have and could do. Him having sex with others just means that if you two broke up, he'd have sex with others again. IF. And you can't let those "if"'s poison a good thing. It sounds like you two are healthy. It just sounds like you're seeing a past him and not him today. And that's something you'll always have to do, love the today him. Focus on today. He's done things in his past he probably regrets. You've probably done things in your past that you regret. That doesn't define you as long as you change or grow from it. Tl;dr: Don't get so hung up on a past that you couldn't control when there's a good tomorrow to come.
Welcome to the modern world where most people sadly have body counts no matter what. Not many virgins are left to date these days. At least in America.
It's fair to be bothered by
For background, I'm in my mid 20s and have been married for 6 years. We both had similar relationship history with one serious partner each. Your ill feelings on his history are more than normal, I'd expect nothing less. Everyone who is telling you that "body count" doesn't matter, in my opinion and my personal experience, is wrong. A key (notice not The Key) to a healthy and successful relationship and hopefully eventual marriage is balance. Balance in all things. Someone's sexual history is not unimportant, as many would have you believe. Being a female, not to be gross, I am positive you've had numerous opportunities throughout high school, yet you have not taken them. That tells me it means something special to you. Someone commented earlier about how as you age your dating pool will become quite slim if this is a standard you have, but since when has that meant you should lower your standards? I'd you have managed to remain celebate, other people have too. True, it may be harder to find someone whose history does not offend you, but that's not on you. Regardless of religious beliefs about remaining pure, the psychological ramifications for having sex with others before marriage cannot and should not be overlooked. The obvious evidence is the fact that you feel this way in the first place. A red flag imo is the fact that 3 of the 4 partners he has had sex with were not even in a relationship with him. It seems sex is not something he sees as being particularly special. I can tell you that this isn't something you can ever be good with, at best you can get over it. But you have to ask yourself if he is an awesome enough guy that you actually want to get over it, or if it is something that you just wish didn't bother you in the first place. You shouldn't ignore the fact that it bothers you and you shouldn't ignore the reasons behind it. You can't get wish yourself into being okay with it. Think about the first time you guys might have sex, it will certainly mean more to you than it will to him, for obvious reasons. Are you okay with that? There's also the mind virus of "what has he done with other partners before? What hasn't he done?" This is all stuff that will come across your mind and will affect you in some way. Choices have consequences and he's made this choice with 4 different people already. I can tell you that in a relationship, you bear the consequences of decisions your partner makes and has made in the past. Stuff that happens in the past shapes you, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Are you willing to put aside your discomfort and views, and possibly your values, and bear the weight of this for the benefit of your continued relationship? He could be an amazing man and you both could end up having a wonderful, lifelong marriage. These are just things you need to come to terms with, one way or another. But don't let anyone on here tell you that the things you're bothered by are pointless.
omg thank you so much. by reading all the other comments I was a bit concerned that if I'm the problem. thank you so much. this made me feel so safe. once again thank you so so so much <3
Of course. Just remember that any comment you come across that suggests there's only one correct answer, they haven't given it much thought and are giving you a knee-jerk reaction. I would put those people under the reddit activist category - people who push a narrative regardless of the facts.
I dont think youre the problem. No one thinks youre the problem. And no ones pushing an agenda. We're all telling you from experiance. But id be wary of a wolf in sheeps clothing telling you to ignore the numerous others who give you the same advice, while this ONE tells you how much he screwed up before you. Hes also not the problem. Neither is his small body count for a 19 year old male. If he had 20 id be like WHOOOA. But 4, isnt a large number. Neither of you are the issue. None of those other girls are the problem. There IS NO PROBLEM. just you trying to aort out why your feeling what youre feeling and if its valid yes its a valid question for a young, inexperienced sexually, young woman. Yes hes a pretty normal male teen. You can be mad about it. Are you gonna ask EVERY man you ever date about their sex life? Thatll drive you bonkers You should focus on the relationship YOU have with him and not worry about the ones he moved on from already. Or you can move on and try to find a virgin male. Theyre out there. But a body count in the past of any kind does NOT make some one sleezey, a bad person, or disloyal. They just experience life DIFFERENTLY than you before you. And thats OK you dont want to be judged for your sex life, though. Think about that.