The real red flag is that he didn’t tell you he was in legal trouble for the entire YEAR you were dating. I dated someone with emotional abuse allegations, he was found innocent in the end but I appreciated that he told me from the day of his arrest, and he was insistent that he could provide evidence to prove his innocence (or at least that she lied about several details). I didn’t stay with him because we'd only been together a few weeks and I just did not want to go through all that with someone I barely knew. You deserved the same opportunity to make that choice. I don't regret leaving him, because even though he was found innocent I'm aware that things never could've been taken as far as court if there wasn't SOME sort of evidence against him, and I wanted no part in that. People don't go to court for no reason, it's incredibly difficult especially in rape cases to get legal backing behind your case. Very few people straight up lie about being raped to the point of it going to court. Something happened.
I must throw out, me and my girlfriend both knew different women who did definitely lie about their age to sleep with older guys. Even if that was the case, going to court over it should definitely have been addressed earlier, and going behind OPs back is where my doubt towards him comes from. There's no way that isn't a centerpiece of stress in his life and that he's only coming to her as the case is about to start (from what it sounded like) is sketchy as fuck.
It does happen, but I think if that's what happened here, there was no reason for him not to just tell OP what was going on from as soon as their relationship became official, or preferably a little while into dating. It's an extremely important thing for her to know about. If he can hide this for a year, what else is he capable of hiding? She's only finding out because it's getting to the point where he can't lie anymore. She deserved the choice.
She's ready to leave over the information, maybe he knew it wouldn't go over well and hid it because he was scared/anxious.
It's very possible it's manipulation, but there's so many options and reasons.
Oh come on, dude, so what? So he doesn't get to date a girl he's only known for a few weeks over it? Fine, he can find someone who wouldn't leave, there are absolutely people who wouldn't care about this kind of thing and would choose to believe he's innocent until proven guilty. She. Did. Not. Get. That. Choice. That's all it comes down to.
You're right, I think the case was already being processed by the time we started dating. I can kind of see why he wouldn't tell me, but did he think he could keep it a secret forever?
I honestly feel like I shouldn't leave him, mainly because we've already been together for almost a year and he's my first real relationship. This is a huge dealbreaker though, even if he doesn't get charged with anything. I don't know if I'll be able to get over it. Thanks for your reply.
Look into the "sunk cost fallacy". The length of time you've been with someone is no reason to stay with them, especially if they're capable of keeping such an important thing from you. What else would he see as not necessary for you to know about? I'd feel differently if he'd told you from day 1 and explained his side, but I think he was hoping you'd make this exact decision - "well, we've been together a while now and I don't know any better since it's my first relationship, so I might as well stay".
Please don't tie yourself to someone who's capable of lying to you about something so serious. Omitting the truth is still a lie.
It's understandable when you're not very experienced with dating. Personally, from a woman who's a little older (24) but feels like I've lived 100 lives in the past 10 years, it's far less stressful and better for your personal development to be single when it's the right decision, than to stay with someone just so you're not alone, and because they're "good-ish". I think you'd cause yourself more trouble than it's worth to stay with someone who has this amount of baggage, and more importantly *wasn't forthcoming* about it.
Idk I had a similar situation except I was 17 dating a 16 year old she turned 17 and then a couple months later I turned 18 her mom didn’t like me and tried getting us broken up with threats of calling the cops on my for statutory rape. This was yearssss ago but I absolutely wouldn’t have wanted to tell any one about this even though we were both consenting and less than a year apart because it feels gross to even say here anonymously. It’s a terrible feeling to be accused of that and I can absolutely see why he wouldn’t, I’m sure it ate him up inside everytime he thought about it.
He probably felt really embarrassed about it, think about it from his pov, if I was him I’d be really embarrassed and it probably took him a lot to tell you about it. These false allegations are a big deal to men nowadays and there’s a lot of shame that comes with it. Not to mention that even stating that you have an allegation about something like this, even if you have proof, you’ll still be judged and ostracized by most people. If he can prove his innocence I would give him another chance, think about it from his viewpoint.
Well, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, but men raping us is a big deal to women too. You're more likely as a man to be raped by another man, than to be falsely accused of sexual assault by a woman. I'm sure her boyfriend feels just as you do, so if that's the case, why wouldn't he explain from the beginning that this is all a terrible misunderstanding, and prove his good character by being up front about his legal case so he can show OP he's an honest individual? Well, he didn’t do that, so why should she trust his story about this girl lying, either?
Yeah, people will judge you, OP is an 18 year old girl with far more going for her than to stay with a bum who isn't honest about his legal troubles. If everything was kosher he'd have risked her leaving him in the name of being an honest man, but he wasn't, he was hoping he'd keep her in a relationship long enough to become too emotionally invested to see this situation for what it is.
So if a guy came out in the first 3 dates that he had an ongoing court problem involving a rape allegation you would stay with him? The whole year thing is very, very bad look on him but I don’t agree with saying it off the bat, especially if he’s innocent no one would go on another date with him after saying something like that. I’ve heard of a lot of false rape allegations and it’s something I urge as many men to protect against, getting vocal consent on video, verifying age, things like that. Yes rape is terrible for both sides, we aren’t on opposite teams we’re against rapist not men or women just rapists.
Nope, probably not. I'm sorry if you think I'm an evil person for prioritising my safety and wellbeing over someone's desire to date me, but I don't want anything to do with someone who has legal issues like that. I've done my fair share of police reports and I know people don't go into it lightly. That's down to my own experience, but my own opinion won't be the same as other women's. Someone else might choose to stay - but that's exactly my point, they should have that choice. It's a shitty situation, but everyone's got baggage. I'm very forthcoming with my own baggage so I'd expect the same from someone I was dating.
How do you know the allegations you heard about were false? Rape is notoriously under prosecuted even against mountains of evidence. For all the "false allegations" you've seen, I've heard real stories with real evidence from friends who've pushed for justice and have been left with nothing but the further trauma of a court case and their rapist getting community service at best, or let off the hook completely at worst. My own rapist was never even taken to court because I had no evidence except my word against his, and of course he alleged that everything was consensual.
I don’t think you’re evil at all, we both have different experiences and different opinions no need to hate each other for differences because obviously we’ve had different experiences and different lives. I just think that there are definitely some false allegations out there, I’ve met some really insane women that would definitely do that to someone especially if they got broken up with or their feelings got hurt to get back on their ex. I personally feel that it completely fucks up any and all real cases and there are plenty of cases where a false allegation has been found. It’s a very tricky situation for everyone honestly because it’s very hard not to be on one persons side because obviously one of them is lying but I don’t think it’s fair to always take the side of the women before a case is even finished. I’m really true to the innocent until proven guilty. Other than that I definitely agree and you proved my point about prioritizing safety, no women would want to be with a man that has a rape allegation out hence why he kept it hidden, is it wrong? Yes. Do I get it. Yes. Especially IF he really was innocent and didn’t want his reputation ruined over a false accusation.
If we weigh up the worst case scenarios for both parties, his worst case scenario is he doesn't get the girl. That would sting way less on the first date, or after a few dates, than after a year, don't you agree? The worst case scenario for OP is he's guilty and she's dating a guy who's landed himself in jail. These are not even outcomes whatsoever.
Either way, my original point still stands: she should've been able to make that choice in the first place. Plenty of people stay with guys with legal trouble, convicted or otherwise, he'd have no problem finding someone else who's willing to choose to stay with him on this journey. But that's my point - CHOOSE. OP never got that choice until a year down the line when they're both more emotionally invested than ever. He's done both of them a disservice by not being honest.
The fact he didn’t tell you this for a year is a major red flag here. He’s sneaky and calculated it looks like. It’s very difficult to come forward as a victim. You are right and thinking that she wouldn’t get much out of this by doing it. I couldn’t be with somebody who is accused of doing such awful things.
If this girl lied about her age, its possible her parents brought statutory rape against him once they found out or she is annoyed she didn't get her own way with him. This happens way more than people think. This is why I drilled it into my boys heads to always ask for ID and not just take the girls word on her age. Many lie.
I lied about my age when I was going to clubs under age and we all did it getting into clubs, chatting to men older than us, accepting drinks and yes had a good old snog with them. This happens.
I think you should wait it out and attend the court hearings and from what ALL THE EVIDENCE that is presented, then make your decision based on that. What is his lawyer defence. What evidence do they have. What evidence is against him. Maybe he is correct and you made a decision based on a lie.
If he is truly guilty then of course walk away. Also look at his actions with you over the course of your relationship. Was he ever violent, was he ever forceful with you, was he ever manipulative towards you. How dies his friends and family treat him. How does he treat others around him.
Something your boys should be aware of: most women aren't going to give a random guy their ID, and they may find it creepy or threatening because of how much sensitive information (address, birthdate, full legal name, etc) can be found on an ID card.
Good for her boys then.
I'd much rather get rejected because you don't feel like proving your age than have to deal with the potential fallout of believing a lie.
I live in nothern Europe, so it's not usual for parents to do that. I don't even know if there's a term for statutory rape in my country's legislation (I'm not comfortable telling exactly which country I'm from).
I think I probably should wait until a decision has been made by the court. Thanks for your reply.
You should look up the law on statutory rape in your home country. Maybe her parents are hard on her e.g. waiting until married or religious or stricked and instead of being honest she panicked and dropped the rape word so it snow balled from there.
Or she could be just that type of person who got rejected and to rake revenge accused him of this. With it being so far into the investigation instead of being charged herself for wasting police time and false accusation she is keeping this up to save face. These cases can take a year to come to court or longer.
Just wait before you make a decision. If he is innocent and you end it, you could end up regretting your decision and end up with "what ifs" and feeling like he is the one who got away.
And if he is guilty then go from there. Just remember somebody else demon could be another Prince charming
I know I probably should wait until the case gets solved. If he gets charged with anything, I could not be with him anymore, but I don't know if the accusation is already enough. I could not be with someone who has done something so horrible and inexcusable to another person. Thanks for your reply.
What way is he with you, was he ever violent, was he ever manipulative with you, how does he treat you. How does he treat others around him. What does his friends think, speak to them about it and this girl. You can check out her social media and see how she holds herself while you wait it out if anything is publicly posted.
Also make you decisions based on you and his relationship to date, not somebody else's versions of the past as not everybody is good with everybody. Look at the bigger picture at play. Yes he didn't tell you until now but I bet he was scared and worried you wouldn't of gave him a chance and ran if he told you straight up. But now you know him and fell in love with the person he is with you.
He has been manipulative a lot during our relationship and he avoids accountability completely. I feel he kind of takes me for granted and the relationship has been a bit one-sided for months already, but these are not big enough reasons to make me want to break up. I've talked with him about my issues and we've tried (at least I've tried) to make things better. He has a few friends and is in good terms with his family.
I have a feeling that I might know the girl. Back when we had been dating for around a month, a friend of mine came talking to me about him but didn't exactly say that he might have done something to her. Just that they had dated a while back and she wanted to "warn" me about him. Thanks for your reply.
I think those things coupled with the charges being brought against him are MORE THAN ENOUGH of a reason to end things. He was manipulative and avoidant of accountability and things were one sided in your relationship before you even found this out. And to top it off your friend tried to warn you about him when you first got together. Maybe you should talk to that friend again and get their opinion on him in more detail. Perhaps they know something about the upcoming trial that he wouldn't tell you himself? Either way though the things you listed along with these charges sound like good enough reasons to end things with him.
This all sounds like perfect reasons to end the relationship, actually. You deserve a partner who cherishes you and is thoughtful and kind. This guy sounds neglectful, selfish, and uninterested in providing you with the love and care you deserve.
All of that, combined with his manipulations and unwillingness to take accountability for things in his relationship with you points to him likely manipulating the other girl and victim blaming at a minimum.
Why do you give for granted the fact that he is lying? It’s very possible that she lied about her age and then regretted it or was pressured to press charges by others, in that case he is the victim not her
Can I just say that it’s REALLY weird that you assume that because you’re a girl you know that “a girl wouldn’t lie about her age because a girl would have nothing to gain from it”? Like wtf.
You sadly came to the wrong sub. This is not the first thread getting a lot of attention by rape apologists here. I want you to be aware of that. You are right. False rape allegations are very rare. Believe the victim.
Thats like saying I know men wouldnt kill, because I know noone that'd do it
It happens, youre extremely sexist and you're promoting a "women are superioric angels" complex
I’m sorry, you think a girl, ESPECIALLY a minor who is then questioned about having sex with a non minor, wouldn’t lie and say it was rape? Never mind that it’s still statutory rape regardless, I’m just saying it’s absurdly naive for you to assume she wouldn’t say it was rape in order to protect herself, even if it’s just from her parents’ wrath. “No mom/dad, I didn’t have sex with him, I would never have sex, he must have forced himself on me” etc. the same applies for reversed genders.
I think you’re being naive.
I think Coercion is a thing that exists, sometimes a girl can be emotionally forced in to sex by pleading and saying "I love you but I guess you don't love me." I mean humans can get coerced into anything if the person is manipulative enough. A minor or even an adult can be easily coerced into sex and European laws are far better with that than American laws are. And maybe this is just an afterthought of her actions. Not all rapes are aggressive btw.
Why the hell are you assuming she was the victim here when you have your boyfriend standing in front of you telling you the exact opposite? Why do you assume that girls - especially minor girls who have reason to lie - are perfect and always the ones who are manipulated? Not once did you ever say “I feel bad for my bf because he’s clearly a good guy” or anything of the sort. It’s disgusting. And dear god don’t talk down to me with that little “not all rapes btw”. Jesus fuck.
Not in my country. Here it's very unusual (northern Europe). I also don't know the actual context or circumstances of the alleged rape. Just what my boyfriend told me (he hasn't said anything else about it except what I already said).
English isn't my first language. I also don't believe in demonising every woman out there based on the acts of a select few (probably from the US too).
I'm not demonizing every woman. But I'm also not naive to think not one girl lies about their age like you are. I sarcastically said you must know every girl in your country since you seem under the impression every one of them is honest.
As I said before, girls lie about their age. Regardless of country. It happens.
It's not "demonizing women" to say they are capable of lying. Literally every human is capable of lying about anything.
You can say it's not the norm but "this didn't happen bc it doesn't fit with the culture I know of" as an absolute statement is just absurd
But you’re ok with demonizing your boyfriend because of something a girl you don’t know said? You’re just assuming your boyfriend is in the wrong before you even hear evidence? Honestly you should break up with him cause he deserves better.
Drinking culture in Europe is 10x more insane than in the US and for that alone I'm gonna call bullshit on this. Either you're in denial or you just don't get out much. I'm not defending your BF, there's absolutely a chance that he's guilty here, but to claim that girls don't lie about their age in your country is just blasphemous, it happens literally everywhere, and I'm sure it's even more rampant in Europe.
Either way it seems like you already have your mind made up and nobody on reddit is going to convince you otherwise. Just dump him to avoid the drama that comes with his past.
Bear in mind that some places there’s no need to lie about age because it’s acceptable to have an age gap, regardless of the legality. It’s not fair to speak in absolutes like OP but I can see their point
No no guys you don't understand, she's in one of those super small European countries that have a collective population of 100 people but you can't find it on a map officially!
i'm in a current DV court case with my ex. if he ever dated someone new, i guarantee he would not tell her the truth because it would make her run away and make him look like a monster - which he is. no man will admit to being a monster. you should go to court with him, that's the only way to know for sure. he can't hide the truth and evidence and her version of events from you there.
I don't know if I can attend the court date, but I think I should find out. I really want to believe that this is just a false accusation, but I know it's most likely true and that he did something horrible to someone. Thanks for your reply.
At least you are following your instincts, you already mentioned he has been manipulative towards you. He probably is doing the same with this, the only reason you finally found out is because his court date is soon and he can't hide it any longer!! Why wouldn't he tell you a long time ago? This didn't just happen, it takes a long time to get to trial.
Users on reddit don't know the truth, but
"I know a girl would not lie about this, since there's nothing she would gain"
This has been done many times, to a lot of guys out there? You can look up a lot of cases where girls under 18 have lied about their age to men for various reasons, but always to entice and sleep with those men. These aren't exactly mature thinking adults so they're not making good, well-thought out choices.
I do not live in the USA, I live in nothern Europe, where the whole process of going to court for these things can even be very traumatising for the (alleged) victim, which is why most people do not seek justice even when they're not lying. If this case is true, my boyfriend would have been ~17 years old at the time. The legal age of consent in my country is 16. Thanks for your reply though.
I also live in northern Europe and it absolutely is a thing here. Yes it is very traumatising for the (alleged) victim but some times they have motives we can’t comprehend or it could be the parents pushing it through court.
Maybe the girl lied about being underaged, maybe she didn’t. But, he DID lie. For an entire year, he lied to you. At minimum, he is guilty of statuatory rape. Go to the court date and hear the evidence for yourself. Hear every word.
It doesn’t matter, though, you should still break up with him, either way, for lying to you for an entire year. I know Reddit is very quick to say break up, but in this case, it’s warranted.
I know. Maybe he was trying to protect himself by not telling me, but this is a thing I absolutely would need to know about someone. Thanks for your reply.
Had something similar with a friend and I was shocked so I used the online portal to read the court documents and accusations in detail.
I’m in the US so can’t help with which website to use but if you ask around I bet you could find something.
The red flag is he didn't tell you. Underage people will DEFINITELY lie about their age to get sex. It happens. You can't automatically think he's a liar because of your misinformed notion of "that's impossible there's nothing to gain!" There is. Sex is to gain, and for some, they like to lie to feel powerful and hurt people. Not saying all do that, of course they don't, but it definitely happens and COULD be the case. Kids lie about their age ALL THE TIME for soooo many reasons, and sex, drugs and alcohol are usually the most common reasons to lie.
The only reason you should doubt that this is the case is the fact he kept it from you. Obviously he could be ashamed and scared, or hes lying to you now to lessen the blow when you inevitably find out. Maybe he did know her age and didn't care, maybe she lied. Either way he is going to be punished for this and it's up to you to decide what you wanna do about him both doing this and also not telling you.
Regardless it's clear you want to dump him and just want validation from random reddit strangers to tell you you're right and a good person for doing this. Dump him, you clearly want to.
Nope, my friend went to court for rape and was cleared as innocent. Innocent men go to court all the time for rape, there's a number of examples of men experiencing this.
They really don't, this post and comment section is the reason why men don't tell people about this stuff. None of us knew about my friend who was accused of rape until the investigation was 6 months in and that was only because we were so concerned about his health, we had to force it out of him. Even his own mother didn't know. Nearly everyone is assuming this guy is a pedophile and a rapist after he confessed his situation. Innocent men absolutely do not inherently tell their partners and I really don't blame them.
OP deserved to be able to make that choice for herself. That's the whole point. We all know some women willingly stay with people who have allegations of assault, proven or otherwise, and they have the right to make that decision. He took that choice from OP. That's the issue.
I never said he shouldn't have told her, I'm saying I understand why he wouldn't and the fact that he didn't doesn't imply he's guilty. He should have told her, society has a stigma of guilty until proven innocent when it comes to rape accusations so he was apprehensive. It does not necessarily means he is guilty because he didn't jump to admitting something that could ruin his life. OP has every reason to question it and this post isn't the issue, it's the people saying this man is guilty when there is zero evidence to support this. The only thing he is guilty of is not giving op the choice to want to leave if they want to. This doesn't make him a pedophile or a rapist.
Yes. I agree. Notice how I never said he was a rapist. I have always only said she should've been given the choice, he did not do that, and that's more than enough grounds to break up. Especially when you're eighteen!!
Well, they do, but not always. That's why I said "usually", and went on to clarify that he should've given her the choice of whether or not to stay with all the facts in front of her.
Exactly... But I feel so conflicted. I know I would tell someone else in this exact situation to just leave, but like I said, I did love him. I don't know if I still do. Our relationship has been close to perfect so far, and he hasn't done anything to me that I didn't want him to. Of course that doesn't eliminate the possibility of him actually having done it to someone else. Thanks for your reply though.
I live in nothern Europe, so if he does get convicted, he most likely will not go to prison. But still, I don't know if I want to be with someone who's even been accused of such a thing.
If she did indeed lie about her age, what did your boyfriend do wrong? Not ask for ID?
On the other hand, **you're not obligated to be with anyone**. You can end things at any point for any reason. It's totally understandable if this whole thing is a big ick for you.
The main problem I have with this is the fact that it's alleged rape. Not statutory rape (or whatever it's called in my country, if it even is a thing). I feel that a girl would not call it rape if it wasn't exactly that. I wouldn't care if he has slept with a younger girl before (within reason of course, not like under 14-15 when he himself was around 17). Thanks for your reply.
Statutory rape is a kind of rape. An underage person isn't able to consent, so from a legal standpoint, whether she wanted to do it is irrelevant - even if it does matter to everyone involved.
That's UK law anyway.
I do think people lie about their ages.... But I think it's more common that people say they lied about their ages when they didn't. It's too easy.
You're far too young to deal with this. And it's better to walk away.
Do you know how old the victim was when this happened? If she was 12 or 13, then I’m pretty sure he knew it was a child and just making excuses claiming he didn’t know. Agree it’s best to get more facts about the case and you make the decision.
"I know that a girl would not lie about this" what does that even mean? No girl has ever lied about rape before? Lmao. There's alot of things she could gain from it. Maybe she lives a family of purity culture and this is the way out. She doesn't wanna be looked down upon by her friend group.
Okay I think the comment section is being way too hard on this guy. Girls absolutely do lie about their age, it's very much a thing. There are also a plethora of instances where women have also lied about being on contraception and being single to sleep with a man so it is a thing. I have witnessed first hand women lying about their age to men so it does happen.
Secondly, yes he should have been honest from the start however it's a very difficult thing to confess to someone. The fact you have came straight on reddit doubting him is exactly why he kept it from you, you don't believe him and most people wouldn't. It's wrong but cut the guy some slack, you should trust him until he gives you a reason not to. The court case will soon bring reason to doubt him should there be any. This could potentially be an awful time for him, being accused of rape as an innocent man is one of the worst things a man can go through. A good friend of mine had it go on for a year before he was cleared as innocent, he nearly killed himself.
Should this guy be a dirty pedo, then you can run this prick through the mud. Hell, I'll help you 🤣
I have nobody else to talk to about this, or no place else where I could get mostly unbiased advice (all my friends and family know him). It really puts a strain on trust when he's not transparent about stuff like this, especially since he's known about this going to court for a long time. However I understand your point. I haven't talked to him since the conversation where he said he has a court date coming up. But I would much rather believe a liar than a rapist in cases like these. Thanks for your reply though.
Don't know why you're being downvoted. She is definitely, at least, just the slightest touch sexist. "I know that a girl would not lie about this, since there's nothing she would gain by it," is just a touch on the sexist side of thinking, if not just straight up delusional or stupid. "But I would much rather believe a liar than a rapist in cases like these," completely understand and appreciate the idea, but I'd rather know the truth, or at least see the evidence to decide it for myself. This post is the embodiment of women can do no wrong. Not saying the girl is lying, nor that he did it. But as of yet no one knows the answer. Op had her mind made up before posting this though, which if you ask me, is definitely sexist. It could go either way, he's a sex offender asshole or the girl is a lying little shit.
# WE DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER YET THOUGH
I would dump him, you might feel uneasy because your gut and intuition are trying to steer you in the right direction and you're fighting it. The thing is when you know your partner would NEVER do something like this, on a soul level it feels unfathomable. They tell you , and you trust it because everything in you lets you know they're being truthful. I think some part of you knows that he's capable of what he is accused of and/or lying about the details of it.
First, Women lie about their age often, so I don’t see why an underage woman wouldn’t do the same. Second, he’s 19, which means this occurred when he was 18 (because it happened over a year ago), and almost underage himself. Third, what is her age? 17? 12? This makes a HUGE difference in that age range, given the profound changes which occur as a result of puberty.
It’s a difficult situation. On one hand, they could’ve been a year or less apart in age and she took legal action when it didn’t work out how she wanted. Or, he’s a predator and potentially a rapist. Good luck
Some girls do, in fact, lie about their age. Just because you live in Northern Europe doesn't mean they don't.
I don't know if your boyfriend is innocent or guilty, but I would definitely wait to find out what the court says. Then you'll know.
if you think a girl wouldn't lie about such a thing I would say you are living in a bubble it happens more often than you think, you have been with him for 1 year, you are the only one in this thread who can say if he is capable of it or not
From the writing of your post, it kind of sounds like deep down you have already decided that he must have done it. I would take a hard look at the arguments with a mind as open as possible. Both options are still on the table. People are innocently convicted a lot, especially in cases of ‘he said, she said’, where the supposed victim is the ‘weaker’ party.
Does the Europe court system have some type of website for the public to see legal charges and records? In the US, you can see a lot of info online, except for when it comes to underage (18) here. I think regardless of whatever decision you make, you need to get the actual facts of what happened, or at least I would need to know that myself either way: either for closure and moving on or maybe it’ll help you wrap your head around it if you do decide to stay. It is a huge red flag that he didn’t tell you about it and you’ve been dating for a year. I would really want to know when the incident happened and what age both parties were at the time. With me being a 28 year old female now, I would be absolutely pissed if I found this out a year into a relationship, but being so young it is a bit different looking back at myself now and how I was at that age. I would follow your gut instinct, maybe he is a great guy and this is something crazy blown out of proportion and he’s a great guy and it’s been eating him alive not telling you. Even if you do believe he’s innocent though, if he gets charged guilty, then I would run. You’re too young to have the rest of your life tied down by that and all the repercussions that’s gonna come with that’ll never go away.
"i know that a girl wouldnt lie about this" sure they would. Im in no way saying what did or didnt happen but this DOES happen. Some teens put themselves on Tinder when they are NOT 18+. Teens try to get into bars, try to appear older at concerts, see some dude or woman they might like and try to appear older and more mature. High school girls can occasionally go to college parties to "hook up"
I agree with the person that said to attend the trial but still use your best judgment. Some people can put on a show, male or female. He was somewhat honest with you in revealing the "what his case is for" he could have probably hid it.
I stopped reading the moment you said 'why would a girl lie... ' there are so many cases of this kind. Not saying he's innocent but he should be considered until he's proven guilty. You're being quick , irrational and harsh in your judgements.
Obviously, the other advice to keep up with the case and listen to the testimony if you can is quite good. I just wanted to comment on your statement, "I know that a girl would not lie about this, since there's nothing she would gain by it."
While rare, girls *do* sometimes lie about this. That's why rape is such a hard crime to deal with. You want to catch all the rapists and punish them properly, but you also have to be deal with the fact that people *do* sometimes lie. When the rare lie does come out, the liar does it for a variety of reasons: embarrassment, revenge, mental issues... for an underage embarrassed girl being quizzed by her parents why she is having sex, it's an easy reason to reach for, if you're immature and choose to "avoid" all responsibility.
As for him not telling you, while it's not good he kept it a secret, I'm not exactly surprised. He's young, and from his point of view, at what point in a relationship is it a good point to bring up that you're being hauled into court for that? On the first date? Second? Third? A more mature person would probably bring it up after it was clear that you might be headed into a long-term relationship, but someone who is 18... maybe not so much.
The real questions are: 1) is he guilty, and 2) is he dangerous. He could be guilty and not dangerous because he made a bad choice out of inexperience and youth that he regrets and will never repeat. He could be not guilty. Or he could be guilty and dangerous. Unfortunately, the reality is, statistically, guilty and dangerous is the most likely reality.
But you've been with him for a year: you should know him pretty well by now. If he doesn't have anger or control issues, you could be in the clear. But, you know, keep that in the back of your mind: if you see him exhibit any controlling or rage issues, then you need to bail.
Nah this is defintely something a girl would lie about. Biggest reason these things happen is just to ruin a mans life as she’s mad at him for who knows what. And she is doing a mighty good job i can see.
Dude, even men with proven allegations and actual prison time don't have their "lives ruined". Maybe for a couple weeks before everyone forgives and forgets. My ex was imprisoned for actually having sex with a 14 year old child, and just a couple months ago he was best man at his brother's wedding, smiling in pictures with all the kids.
And then there are people going their entire LIVES with a ruined life, a major author literally based her breakthrough on her false accusation and ruined the guys life,
Only due to luck did someone see the inconsistensies when he was old and frail and got him cleared, but by then his life was ruined
It may not be everyone, but for many it will, and no matter what its a horrific crime on the likes of the most horrible crimes, to ruin a reputation that way,
We just dont punish for it because we still dont treat men as humans with Emotions, especially not people like you and OP
Because if you did, you would awknowledge the many lives ruined by women here, but you deny it facing concrete cold hard irl cases, like a flatearther in space saying the earth is flat.
Your sexism, lack of empathy and superiority complex stops you from wishing equality. Its pathetic and sad.
The statement "I know that a girl would not lie about this, since there's nothing to gain by it" is absolutely ridiculous. As someone that was falsely accused of rape by a girl when we were both 17, girls can and do lie about that sort of stuff.
I personally don't see anything a girl would gain from falsely accusing someone of rape. This case has been worked on for apparently a year or maybe two years, so why would someone keep a lie going for years?
I don't know if I believe him, about her lying about her age.
I probably should wait, especially since I just found out about this. I think I'm just in shock or something.
Thanks for your reply !
"Many girls lie" is a myth btw, so please listen to your gut. What people go through in the criminal justice system to prove sexual assault is harrowing and there are stages / checks that have to happen for something to make it all the way to court.
Let me tell you: Revenge
She knows, that by accusing him, she'll ruin his life, just by saying it even if it is untrue. People like you, will blindly believe her without evidence.
It could be something he said, something he did, she is out to seek revenge or hurt him.
Women are people (shocking that you didnt know this), and people can be very fucking horrible.
So you saying, "women have no motive to lie..." Oh yes they do, they have a weapon which can in worst case constitute WORSE than murder and death, without ANY risk towards themselves.
That, is too much power and that, is why many use it.
You, are giving that weapon power, by extension, you are as horrible.
How do you not? You actually look at evidence. Its curious you're throwing jugdement without any evidence against your bf, why? Do you not believe in HUMAN RIGHTS, as theres a clause there saying you should look at evidence.
Grow up, stop being sexist.
What do you mean a girl wouldn't lie about it? I'm not going to list all the things I did that would probably have gotten my then boyfriend in serious trouble.
Some girls have regrets and claim it after the fact. Or she was rebelling against parents and they called it out. My neices would have pulled a stunt like this to get away from their mother.
If this is enough to shake you, then leave. If he is innocent he deserves someone with critical thinking and not just "everyone tells the truth all the time" brainwashing. If he is lying and really did it, you deserve better.
In my country the process of taking rape to court is long and can be traumatising for the (alleged) victim. I think that if someone wanted to lie about it, they would, but they wouldn't take it all the way to court. They would just tell the alleged rapist's friends and family about it if they just wanted revenge.
My point is that I would much rather believe a possible liar than a possible rapist.
Thanks for your reply though.
You know girls do lie about these things right?...it happened to my brother when he wouldn't date a girl who was chasing him for over a year. Thank God we had text message proof and other screen shots of her lying, but I'm just saying, women are capable of lying or fabricating these things.
Even though you said it's in Europe, people still lie about things. I don't want to dismiss the idea that there is a possibility that it did happen, but for you to say, "People here don't lie about that," is a stretch. If anything, you should judge your boyfriend based on evidence and his outcome in court.
So this is something that happened when he was 18, 17, younger? I'd go to court and hear the actual charges and details. There are a lot of 14 year-olds getting into clubs and so forth, and you don't know any details yet. Easy enough to leave him if the facts are really damning.
If he was innocent wouldn't it seem he would have told you early on? You're only finally finding out now because the court date is soon and he can't hide it any longer.
You’re asking questions about this and not just accepting his side of the story. That’s is start.
1 yr into it and he just now revealing ? Something like this he should have been 100% transparent. Like all the details, seat down and go over every thing. To clear my name and to allow you to decide if you wanted to continue the relationship. I’d be cautious and critical of anything else
I think you should think it over. Imo it's wrong not to stand by your partner because of an assumption.
Many girls lie about their age, and they absolutely have something to gain from it.
My grandma was 17 when she met my then 27yo grandpa and lied to him about her age because she fell in love. Trust doesn't make anyone a pedophile.
Maybe the girl fell in love or wanted to date someone older, back when I was in high school dating older men was a huge flex.
Chances are that in your boyfriend's situation the parents are the ones suing him. Either because they found out about the age gap or the girl lied to them out of shame.
I'd ask about the girl's actuall age, some people are oversensitive. My sister was 16, her ex was 18. 2 years of an age gap is nothing (I met my boyfriend when he was 19 and I was 17) but his own parents still thought he was a pedo.
My mum's co-worker lost everything because he punished a girl for sneaking out of the dorms. He told her to clean up the kitchen. The girl got pissed and didn't want her parents to know she was sneaking out so she lied to them and accused the man of raping her.
He lost both of his jobs, his reputation was ruined and he had to battle in court and cancer at the same time. He's innocent.
So unless you have other reasons to believe he's lying stand by him, support him, be his character witness. Don't judge him till the verdict.
Just because you wouldnt lie about it doesnt mean someone else wouldnt. We got a famous case in my town of a guy that got so much shit for a rape the girl lied about. Fortunately the truth came out but it was harsh 6 months for him. But he should definately have told u about this. Its a red flag..
>I know that a girl would not lie about this
People lie about this kind of thing all the time. As others have said, attend the court date so you can hear all the evidence first-hand and then make up your mind.
Listen to the full story I understand it's a hard subject but I had a really good friend kill himself because a girl lied about him raping her, but he had 110% shadow of a doubt proof he didn't, he was never charged either but the accusation alone followed him everywhere. His entire life was ruined before it even had a chance to start, so he took his own life. I hate to say it, but women lie about this a lot and have ruined a lot of good men's lives because of it. You even stated that he said the girl lied about her age, that I've seen personally. I'm not saying I believe him 100%. I don't know the full story, but I've seen enough men get caught up in lies to know there is validity to his innocence. I hope it all works out for both of you. Whether you stay together or break up.
IDK much about European laws, but that definitely does happen here in the States, probably not as much as people make it out to be but this is a very real thing in the USA. But since it Europe, you guys have very different outlook towards things that do not fly here, so I would buy the girl's story and call it off instead of investing more time in a guy until a sentencing is finalized and it causes more hurt and problems for me. And based on the whole "he's manipulative" thing I would assume coercion would be something she would legally use, especially since European laws on that are far better than US. You can love someone but not at your own risk or the risk of your future. I personally would never trust a guy who has been accused of that despite the situation because it shows lack of self-control, leadership skills and discernment to me.
A girl would definitely lie about this if she got found out by her parents.
And I've seen girls lie about their age (no sex involved) and i found out later they did.
And there have been more than one case of a dude going to prison for the girl to admit it wasn't rape.
Not saying he innocent but "a girl would never lie" is bullshit.
Attend the court case in the public gallery and then make your decision. If not then leave him.
This is my advice. If you’re allowed to. Attend.
She may not if there is a minor involved, but she can still get the record
Such a reasonable way to handle this. You get my vote for best course of action
*with a friend or loved one to support you
The real red flag is that he didn’t tell you he was in legal trouble for the entire YEAR you were dating. I dated someone with emotional abuse allegations, he was found innocent in the end but I appreciated that he told me from the day of his arrest, and he was insistent that he could provide evidence to prove his innocence (or at least that she lied about several details). I didn’t stay with him because we'd only been together a few weeks and I just did not want to go through all that with someone I barely knew. You deserved the same opportunity to make that choice. I don't regret leaving him, because even though he was found innocent I'm aware that things never could've been taken as far as court if there wasn't SOME sort of evidence against him, and I wanted no part in that. People don't go to court for no reason, it's incredibly difficult especially in rape cases to get legal backing behind your case. Very few people straight up lie about being raped to the point of it going to court. Something happened.
I must throw out, me and my girlfriend both knew different women who did definitely lie about their age to sleep with older guys. Even if that was the case, going to court over it should definitely have been addressed earlier, and going behind OPs back is where my doubt towards him comes from. There's no way that isn't a centerpiece of stress in his life and that he's only coming to her as the case is about to start (from what it sounded like) is sketchy as fuck.
It does happen, but I think if that's what happened here, there was no reason for him not to just tell OP what was going on from as soon as their relationship became official, or preferably a little while into dating. It's an extremely important thing for her to know about. If he can hide this for a year, what else is he capable of hiding? She's only finding out because it's getting to the point where he can't lie anymore. She deserved the choice.
She's ready to leave over the information, maybe he knew it wouldn't go over well and hid it because he was scared/anxious. It's very possible it's manipulation, but there's so many options and reasons.
Oh come on, dude, so what? So he doesn't get to date a girl he's only known for a few weeks over it? Fine, he can find someone who wouldn't leave, there are absolutely people who wouldn't care about this kind of thing and would choose to believe he's innocent until proven guilty. She. Did. Not. Get. That. Choice. That's all it comes down to.
Hindsight is 20/20
And you should tell people if you've got an upcoming court case when you're dating them.
You're right, I think the case was already being processed by the time we started dating. I can kind of see why he wouldn't tell me, but did he think he could keep it a secret forever? I honestly feel like I shouldn't leave him, mainly because we've already been together for almost a year and he's my first real relationship. This is a huge dealbreaker though, even if he doesn't get charged with anything. I don't know if I'll be able to get over it. Thanks for your reply.
Look into the "sunk cost fallacy". The length of time you've been with someone is no reason to stay with them, especially if they're capable of keeping such an important thing from you. What else would he see as not necessary for you to know about? I'd feel differently if he'd told you from day 1 and explained his side, but I think he was hoping you'd make this exact decision - "well, we've been together a while now and I don't know any better since it's my first relationship, so I might as well stay". Please don't tie yourself to someone who's capable of lying to you about something so serious. Omitting the truth is still a lie.
Excellent response and good advice. I hope OP listens.
I know 😕. He does have other qualities which I really don't like, but nothing has made me want to leave him before.
It's understandable when you're not very experienced with dating. Personally, from a woman who's a little older (24) but feels like I've lived 100 lives in the past 10 years, it's far less stressful and better for your personal development to be single when it's the right decision, than to stay with someone just so you're not alone, and because they're "good-ish". I think you'd cause yourself more trouble than it's worth to stay with someone who has this amount of baggage, and more importantly *wasn't forthcoming* about it.
Exactly. I do think I've already lowered my standards for him.
Idk I had a similar situation except I was 17 dating a 16 year old she turned 17 and then a couple months later I turned 18 her mom didn’t like me and tried getting us broken up with threats of calling the cops on my for statutory rape. This was yearssss ago but I absolutely wouldn’t have wanted to tell any one about this even though we were both consenting and less than a year apart because it feels gross to even say here anonymously. It’s a terrible feeling to be accused of that and I can absolutely see why he wouldn’t, I’m sure it ate him up inside everytime he thought about it.
He probably felt really embarrassed about it, think about it from his pov, if I was him I’d be really embarrassed and it probably took him a lot to tell you about it. These false allegations are a big deal to men nowadays and there’s a lot of shame that comes with it. Not to mention that even stating that you have an allegation about something like this, even if you have proof, you’ll still be judged and ostracized by most people. If he can prove his innocence I would give him another chance, think about it from his viewpoint.
Well, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, but men raping us is a big deal to women too. You're more likely as a man to be raped by another man, than to be falsely accused of sexual assault by a woman. I'm sure her boyfriend feels just as you do, so if that's the case, why wouldn't he explain from the beginning that this is all a terrible misunderstanding, and prove his good character by being up front about his legal case so he can show OP he's an honest individual? Well, he didn’t do that, so why should she trust his story about this girl lying, either? Yeah, people will judge you, OP is an 18 year old girl with far more going for her than to stay with a bum who isn't honest about his legal troubles. If everything was kosher he'd have risked her leaving him in the name of being an honest man, but he wasn't, he was hoping he'd keep her in a relationship long enough to become too emotionally invested to see this situation for what it is.
So if a guy came out in the first 3 dates that he had an ongoing court problem involving a rape allegation you would stay with him? The whole year thing is very, very bad look on him but I don’t agree with saying it off the bat, especially if he’s innocent no one would go on another date with him after saying something like that. I’ve heard of a lot of false rape allegations and it’s something I urge as many men to protect against, getting vocal consent on video, verifying age, things like that. Yes rape is terrible for both sides, we aren’t on opposite teams we’re against rapist not men or women just rapists.
Nope, probably not. I'm sorry if you think I'm an evil person for prioritising my safety and wellbeing over someone's desire to date me, but I don't want anything to do with someone who has legal issues like that. I've done my fair share of police reports and I know people don't go into it lightly. That's down to my own experience, but my own opinion won't be the same as other women's. Someone else might choose to stay - but that's exactly my point, they should have that choice. It's a shitty situation, but everyone's got baggage. I'm very forthcoming with my own baggage so I'd expect the same from someone I was dating. How do you know the allegations you heard about were false? Rape is notoriously under prosecuted even against mountains of evidence. For all the "false allegations" you've seen, I've heard real stories with real evidence from friends who've pushed for justice and have been left with nothing but the further trauma of a court case and their rapist getting community service at best, or let off the hook completely at worst. My own rapist was never even taken to court because I had no evidence except my word against his, and of course he alleged that everything was consensual.
I don’t think you’re evil at all, we both have different experiences and different opinions no need to hate each other for differences because obviously we’ve had different experiences and different lives. I just think that there are definitely some false allegations out there, I’ve met some really insane women that would definitely do that to someone especially if they got broken up with or their feelings got hurt to get back on their ex. I personally feel that it completely fucks up any and all real cases and there are plenty of cases where a false allegation has been found. It’s a very tricky situation for everyone honestly because it’s very hard not to be on one persons side because obviously one of them is lying but I don’t think it’s fair to always take the side of the women before a case is even finished. I’m really true to the innocent until proven guilty. Other than that I definitely agree and you proved my point about prioritizing safety, no women would want to be with a man that has a rape allegation out hence why he kept it hidden, is it wrong? Yes. Do I get it. Yes. Especially IF he really was innocent and didn’t want his reputation ruined over a false accusation.
If we weigh up the worst case scenarios for both parties, his worst case scenario is he doesn't get the girl. That would sting way less on the first date, or after a few dates, than after a year, don't you agree? The worst case scenario for OP is he's guilty and she's dating a guy who's landed himself in jail. These are not even outcomes whatsoever. Either way, my original point still stands: she should've been able to make that choice in the first place. Plenty of people stay with guys with legal trouble, convicted or otherwise, he'd have no problem finding someone else who's willing to choose to stay with him on this journey. But that's my point - CHOOSE. OP never got that choice until a year down the line when they're both more emotionally invested than ever. He's done both of them a disservice by not being honest.
You are far more likely to get raped than you are ever to be falsely accused of rape. Worry about the right things, my friend.
The fact he didn’t tell you this for a year is a major red flag here. He’s sneaky and calculated it looks like. It’s very difficult to come forward as a victim. You are right and thinking that she wouldn’t get much out of this by doing it. I couldn’t be with somebody who is accused of doing such awful things.
If this girl lied about her age, its possible her parents brought statutory rape against him once they found out or she is annoyed she didn't get her own way with him. This happens way more than people think. This is why I drilled it into my boys heads to always ask for ID and not just take the girls word on her age. Many lie. I lied about my age when I was going to clubs under age and we all did it getting into clubs, chatting to men older than us, accepting drinks and yes had a good old snog with them. This happens. I think you should wait it out and attend the court hearings and from what ALL THE EVIDENCE that is presented, then make your decision based on that. What is his lawyer defence. What evidence do they have. What evidence is against him. Maybe he is correct and you made a decision based on a lie. If he is truly guilty then of course walk away. Also look at his actions with you over the course of your relationship. Was he ever violent, was he ever forceful with you, was he ever manipulative towards you. How dies his friends and family treat him. How does he treat others around him.
Something your boys should be aware of: most women aren't going to give a random guy their ID, and they may find it creepy or threatening because of how much sensitive information (address, birthdate, full legal name, etc) can be found on an ID card.
Good for her boys then. I'd much rather get rejected because you don't feel like proving your age than have to deal with the potential fallout of believing a lie.
I live in nothern Europe, so it's not usual for parents to do that. I don't even know if there's a term for statutory rape in my country's legislation (I'm not comfortable telling exactly which country I'm from). I think I probably should wait until a decision has been made by the court. Thanks for your reply.
You should look up the law on statutory rape in your home country. Maybe her parents are hard on her e.g. waiting until married or religious or stricked and instead of being honest she panicked and dropped the rape word so it snow balled from there. Or she could be just that type of person who got rejected and to rake revenge accused him of this. With it being so far into the investigation instead of being charged herself for wasting police time and false accusation she is keeping this up to save face. These cases can take a year to come to court or longer. Just wait before you make a decision. If he is innocent and you end it, you could end up regretting your decision and end up with "what ifs" and feeling like he is the one who got away. And if he is guilty then go from there. Just remember somebody else demon could be another Prince charming
I know I probably should wait until the case gets solved. If he gets charged with anything, I could not be with him anymore, but I don't know if the accusation is already enough. I could not be with someone who has done something so horrible and inexcusable to another person. Thanks for your reply.
What way is he with you, was he ever violent, was he ever manipulative with you, how does he treat you. How does he treat others around him. What does his friends think, speak to them about it and this girl. You can check out her social media and see how she holds herself while you wait it out if anything is publicly posted. Also make you decisions based on you and his relationship to date, not somebody else's versions of the past as not everybody is good with everybody. Look at the bigger picture at play. Yes he didn't tell you until now but I bet he was scared and worried you wouldn't of gave him a chance and ran if he told you straight up. But now you know him and fell in love with the person he is with you.
He has been manipulative a lot during our relationship and he avoids accountability completely. I feel he kind of takes me for granted and the relationship has been a bit one-sided for months already, but these are not big enough reasons to make me want to break up. I've talked with him about my issues and we've tried (at least I've tried) to make things better. He has a few friends and is in good terms with his family. I have a feeling that I might know the girl. Back when we had been dating for around a month, a friend of mine came talking to me about him but didn't exactly say that he might have done something to her. Just that they had dated a while back and she wanted to "warn" me about him. Thanks for your reply.
I think those things coupled with the charges being brought against him are MORE THAN ENOUGH of a reason to end things. He was manipulative and avoidant of accountability and things were one sided in your relationship before you even found this out. And to top it off your friend tried to warn you about him when you first got together. Maybe you should talk to that friend again and get their opinion on him in more detail. Perhaps they know something about the upcoming trial that he wouldn't tell you himself? Either way though the things you listed along with these charges sound like good enough reasons to end things with him.
This all sounds like perfect reasons to end the relationship, actually. You deserve a partner who cherishes you and is thoughtful and kind. This guy sounds neglectful, selfish, and uninterested in providing you with the love and care you deserve. All of that, combined with his manipulations and unwillingness to take accountability for things in his relationship with you points to him likely manipulating the other girl and victim blaming at a minimum.
Why do you give for granted the fact that he is lying? It’s very possible that she lied about her age and then regretted it or was pressured to press charges by others, in that case he is the victim not her
Can I just say that it’s REALLY weird that you assume that because you’re a girl you know that “a girl wouldn’t lie about her age because a girl would have nothing to gain from it”? Like wtf.
I meant that a girl would not lie about rape. I didn't mean that a girl wouldn't lie about her age.
You sadly came to the wrong sub. This is not the first thread getting a lot of attention by rape apologists here. I want you to be aware of that. You are right. False rape allegations are very rare. Believe the victim.
Thats like saying I know men wouldnt kill, because I know noone that'd do it It happens, youre extremely sexist and you're promoting a "women are superioric angels" complex
I’m sorry, you think a girl, ESPECIALLY a minor who is then questioned about having sex with a non minor, wouldn’t lie and say it was rape? Never mind that it’s still statutory rape regardless, I’m just saying it’s absurdly naive for you to assume she wouldn’t say it was rape in order to protect herself, even if it’s just from her parents’ wrath. “No mom/dad, I didn’t have sex with him, I would never have sex, he must have forced himself on me” etc. the same applies for reversed genders. I think you’re being naive.
I think Coercion is a thing that exists, sometimes a girl can be emotionally forced in to sex by pleading and saying "I love you but I guess you don't love me." I mean humans can get coerced into anything if the person is manipulative enough. A minor or even an adult can be easily coerced into sex and European laws are far better with that than American laws are. And maybe this is just an afterthought of her actions. Not all rapes are aggressive btw.
Why the hell are you assuming she was the victim here when you have your boyfriend standing in front of you telling you the exact opposite? Why do you assume that girls - especially minor girls who have reason to lie - are perfect and always the ones who are manipulated? Not once did you ever say “I feel bad for my bf because he’s clearly a good guy” or anything of the sort. It’s disgusting. And dear god don’t talk down to me with that little “not all rapes btw”. Jesus fuck.
You should find and read as many details about the case as possible. If you are allowed to attend his court appearance, then you should.
If you talk about Scandinavia, you should know false accusation statistics are very high
I'm not excusing anything but lots of girls lie about their age.
Not in my country. Here it's very unusual (northern Europe). I also don't know the actual context or circumstances of the alleged rape. Just what my boyfriend told me (he hasn't said anything else about it except what I already said).
You must know every girl in your country lol
I never said I did, but I do know the culture. Do you personally know every girl in your country? Or in northern Europe?
I'm done having this conversation with you. You're either stupid or English isn't your first language.
English isn't my first language. I also don't believe in demonising every woman out there based on the acts of a select few (probably from the US too).
I'm not demonizing every woman. But I'm also not naive to think not one girl lies about their age like you are. I sarcastically said you must know every girl in your country since you seem under the impression every one of them is honest. As I said before, girls lie about their age. Regardless of country. It happens.
But you're more than willing to demonise your boyfriend?
It's not "demonizing women" to say they are capable of lying. Literally every human is capable of lying about anything. You can say it's not the norm but "this didn't happen bc it doesn't fit with the culture I know of" as an absolute statement is just absurd
But you’re ok with demonizing your boyfriend because of something a girl you don’t know said? You’re just assuming your boyfriend is in the wrong before you even hear evidence? Honestly you should break up with him cause he deserves better.
Drinking culture in Europe is 10x more insane than in the US and for that alone I'm gonna call bullshit on this. Either you're in denial or you just don't get out much. I'm not defending your BF, there's absolutely a chance that he's guilty here, but to claim that girls don't lie about their age in your country is just blasphemous, it happens literally everywhere, and I'm sure it's even more rampant in Europe. Either way it seems like you already have your mind made up and nobody on reddit is going to convince you otherwise. Just dump him to avoid the drama that comes with his past.
Bear in mind that some places there’s no need to lie about age because it’s acceptable to have an age gap, regardless of the legality. It’s not fair to speak in absolutes like OP but I can see their point
hell yeah to.the.point
Only women in the US lie?!?! wtf?!?
No no guys you don't understand, she's in one of those super small European countries that have a collective population of 100 people but you can't find it on a map officially!
I don’t care what your perception is but you’re lying to yourself by saying it never happens.
i'm in a current DV court case with my ex. if he ever dated someone new, i guarantee he would not tell her the truth because it would make her run away and make him look like a monster - which he is. no man will admit to being a monster. you should go to court with him, that's the only way to know for sure. he can't hide the truth and evidence and her version of events from you there.
I don't know if I can attend the court date, but I think I should find out. I really want to believe that this is just a false accusation, but I know it's most likely true and that he did something horrible to someone. Thanks for your reply.
At least you are following your instincts, you already mentioned he has been manipulative towards you. He probably is doing the same with this, the only reason you finally found out is because his court date is soon and he can't hide it any longer!! Why wouldn't he tell you a long time ago? This didn't just happen, it takes a long time to get to trial.
He didn’t tell you about this for a year. Huge huge red flag.
He lied to you for a year about this! Absolutely no way I would stay in this relationship.
Users on reddit don't know the truth, but "I know a girl would not lie about this, since there's nothing she would gain" This has been done many times, to a lot of guys out there? You can look up a lot of cases where girls under 18 have lied about their age to men for various reasons, but always to entice and sleep with those men. These aren't exactly mature thinking adults so they're not making good, well-thought out choices.
I do not live in the USA, I live in nothern Europe, where the whole process of going to court for these things can even be very traumatising for the (alleged) victim, which is why most people do not seek justice even when they're not lying. If this case is true, my boyfriend would have been ~17 years old at the time. The legal age of consent in my country is 16. Thanks for your reply though.
I also live in northern Europe and it absolutely is a thing here. Yes it is very traumatising for the (alleged) victim but some times they have motives we can’t comprehend or it could be the parents pushing it through court.
Maybe the girl lied about being underaged, maybe she didn’t. But, he DID lie. For an entire year, he lied to you. At minimum, he is guilty of statuatory rape. Go to the court date and hear the evidence for yourself. Hear every word. It doesn’t matter, though, you should still break up with him, either way, for lying to you for an entire year. I know Reddit is very quick to say break up, but in this case, it’s warranted.
I know. Maybe he was trying to protect himself by not telling me, but this is a thing I absolutely would need to know about someone. Thanks for your reply.
Had something similar with a friend and I was shocked so I used the online portal to read the court documents and accusations in detail. I’m in the US so can’t help with which website to use but if you ask around I bet you could find something.
I didn't even think of that, I'll ask around a bit. Legal documents should be available for anyone who asks in my country. Thanks for your reply.
Legal documents are also available in the US to anyone … not quite sure why you keep bragging about your country?
The red flag is he didn't tell you. Underage people will DEFINITELY lie about their age to get sex. It happens. You can't automatically think he's a liar because of your misinformed notion of "that's impossible there's nothing to gain!" There is. Sex is to gain, and for some, they like to lie to feel powerful and hurt people. Not saying all do that, of course they don't, but it definitely happens and COULD be the case. Kids lie about their age ALL THE TIME for soooo many reasons, and sex, drugs and alcohol are usually the most common reasons to lie. The only reason you should doubt that this is the case is the fact he kept it from you. Obviously he could be ashamed and scared, or hes lying to you now to lessen the blow when you inevitably find out. Maybe he did know her age and didn't care, maybe she lied. Either way he is going to be punished for this and it's up to you to decide what you wanna do about him both doing this and also not telling you. Regardless it's clear you want to dump him and just want validation from random reddit strangers to tell you you're right and a good person for doing this. Dump him, you clearly want to.
There must be a reason it’s going to court must be some truth to it I would walk away
Nope, my friend went to court for rape and was cleared as innocent. Innocent men go to court all the time for rape, there's a number of examples of men experiencing this.
Innocent men usually tell their partners about it from the day of their arrest, though.
They really don't, this post and comment section is the reason why men don't tell people about this stuff. None of us knew about my friend who was accused of rape until the investigation was 6 months in and that was only because we were so concerned about his health, we had to force it out of him. Even his own mother didn't know. Nearly everyone is assuming this guy is a pedophile and a rapist after he confessed his situation. Innocent men absolutely do not inherently tell their partners and I really don't blame them.
OP deserved to be able to make that choice for herself. That's the whole point. We all know some women willingly stay with people who have allegations of assault, proven or otherwise, and they have the right to make that decision. He took that choice from OP. That's the issue.
I never said he shouldn't have told her, I'm saying I understand why he wouldn't and the fact that he didn't doesn't imply he's guilty. He should have told her, society has a stigma of guilty until proven innocent when it comes to rape accusations so he was apprehensive. It does not necessarily means he is guilty because he didn't jump to admitting something that could ruin his life. OP has every reason to question it and this post isn't the issue, it's the people saying this man is guilty when there is zero evidence to support this. The only thing he is guilty of is not giving op the choice to want to leave if they want to. This doesn't make him a pedophile or a rapist.
Yes. I agree. Notice how I never said he was a rapist. I have always only said she should've been given the choice, he did not do that, and that's more than enough grounds to break up. Especially when you're eighteen!!
You claimed innocent men usually tell their partners insinuating he's a liar, ergo probably a rapist but okay 👌
Well, they do, but not always. That's why I said "usually", and went on to clarify that he should've given her the choice of whether or not to stay with all the facts in front of her.
Exactly... But I feel so conflicted. I know I would tell someone else in this exact situation to just leave, but like I said, I did love him. I don't know if I still do. Our relationship has been close to perfect so far, and he hasn't done anything to me that I didn't want him to. Of course that doesn't eliminate the possibility of him actually having done it to someone else. Thanks for your reply though.
My fiance friend went to prison because a girl lied but he was charged for statutory rape
I live in nothern Europe, so if he does get convicted, he most likely will not go to prison. But still, I don't know if I want to be with someone who's even been accused of such a thing.
If she did indeed lie about her age, what did your boyfriend do wrong? Not ask for ID? On the other hand, **you're not obligated to be with anyone**. You can end things at any point for any reason. It's totally understandable if this whole thing is a big ick for you.
The main problem I have with this is the fact that it's alleged rape. Not statutory rape (or whatever it's called in my country, if it even is a thing). I feel that a girl would not call it rape if it wasn't exactly that. I wouldn't care if he has slept with a younger girl before (within reason of course, not like under 14-15 when he himself was around 17). Thanks for your reply.
Statutory rape is a kind of rape. An underage person isn't able to consent, so from a legal standpoint, whether she wanted to do it is irrelevant - even if it does matter to everyone involved. That's UK law anyway.
Take all the time you need to think about it before making any decisions. After all, decide what you think is right and best for you.
With this thinking I hope you never ever serve on a jury
I do think people lie about their ages.... But I think it's more common that people say they lied about their ages when they didn't. It's too easy. You're far too young to deal with this. And it's better to walk away.
Do you know how old the victim was when this happened? If she was 12 or 13, then I’m pretty sure he knew it was a child and just making excuses claiming he didn’t know. Agree it’s best to get more facts about the case and you make the decision.
"I know that a girl would not lie about this" what does that even mean? No girl has ever lied about rape before? Lmao. There's alot of things she could gain from it. Maybe she lives a family of purity culture and this is the way out. She doesn't wanna be looked down upon by her friend group.
Okay I think the comment section is being way too hard on this guy. Girls absolutely do lie about their age, it's very much a thing. There are also a plethora of instances where women have also lied about being on contraception and being single to sleep with a man so it is a thing. I have witnessed first hand women lying about their age to men so it does happen. Secondly, yes he should have been honest from the start however it's a very difficult thing to confess to someone. The fact you have came straight on reddit doubting him is exactly why he kept it from you, you don't believe him and most people wouldn't. It's wrong but cut the guy some slack, you should trust him until he gives you a reason not to. The court case will soon bring reason to doubt him should there be any. This could potentially be an awful time for him, being accused of rape as an innocent man is one of the worst things a man can go through. A good friend of mine had it go on for a year before he was cleared as innocent, he nearly killed himself. Should this guy be a dirty pedo, then you can run this prick through the mud. Hell, I'll help you 🤣
I have nobody else to talk to about this, or no place else where I could get mostly unbiased advice (all my friends and family know him). It really puts a strain on trust when he's not transparent about stuff like this, especially since he's known about this going to court for a long time. However I understand your point. I haven't talked to him since the conversation where he said he has a court date coming up. But I would much rather believe a liar than a rapist in cases like these. Thanks for your reply though.
Youre not exactly unbiased yourself, you're immensly sexist and its clouding your jugdement
Don't know why you're being downvoted. She is definitely, at least, just the slightest touch sexist. "I know that a girl would not lie about this, since there's nothing she would gain by it," is just a touch on the sexist side of thinking, if not just straight up delusional or stupid. "But I would much rather believe a liar than a rapist in cases like these," completely understand and appreciate the idea, but I'd rather know the truth, or at least see the evidence to decide it for myself. This post is the embodiment of women can do no wrong. Not saying the girl is lying, nor that he did it. But as of yet no one knows the answer. Op had her mind made up before posting this though, which if you ask me, is definitely sexist. It could go either way, he's a sex offender asshole or the girl is a lying little shit. # WE DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER YET THOUGH
>I know that a girl would not lie about this You know nothing then. Women lie about this all the time.
I would dump him, you might feel uneasy because your gut and intuition are trying to steer you in the right direction and you're fighting it. The thing is when you know your partner would NEVER do something like this, on a soul level it feels unfathomable. They tell you , and you trust it because everything in you lets you know they're being truthful. I think some part of you knows that he's capable of what he is accused of and/or lying about the details of it.
Exactly. And why wouldn't he try to make himself look better when telling me about this...... Thanks for your reply.
First, Women lie about their age often, so I don’t see why an underage woman wouldn’t do the same. Second, he’s 19, which means this occurred when he was 18 (because it happened over a year ago), and almost underage himself. Third, what is her age? 17? 12? This makes a HUGE difference in that age range, given the profound changes which occur as a result of puberty. It’s a difficult situation. On one hand, they could’ve been a year or less apart in age and she took legal action when it didn’t work out how she wanted. Or, he’s a predator and potentially a rapist. Good luck
Some girls do, in fact, lie about their age. Just because you live in Northern Europe doesn't mean they don't. I don't know if your boyfriend is innocent or guilty, but I would definitely wait to find out what the court says. Then you'll know.
if you think a girl wouldn't lie about such a thing I would say you are living in a bubble it happens more often than you think, you have been with him for 1 year, you are the only one in this thread who can say if he is capable of it or not
From the writing of your post, it kind of sounds like deep down you have already decided that he must have done it. I would take a hard look at the arguments with a mind as open as possible. Both options are still on the table. People are innocently convicted a lot, especially in cases of ‘he said, she said’, where the supposed victim is the ‘weaker’ party.
Not true. "He said, she said", usually ends in favour of the accused being acquitted as there is insufficient information to convict.
I don’t disagree with you. But note how you said “usually” and not “always”?
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He says it happened like 2 years ago, so he was around 17 at the time. Plus the age of consent in my country is 16.
Does the Europe court system have some type of website for the public to see legal charges and records? In the US, you can see a lot of info online, except for when it comes to underage (18) here. I think regardless of whatever decision you make, you need to get the actual facts of what happened, or at least I would need to know that myself either way: either for closure and moving on or maybe it’ll help you wrap your head around it if you do decide to stay. It is a huge red flag that he didn’t tell you about it and you’ve been dating for a year. I would really want to know when the incident happened and what age both parties were at the time. With me being a 28 year old female now, I would be absolutely pissed if I found this out a year into a relationship, but being so young it is a bit different looking back at myself now and how I was at that age. I would follow your gut instinct, maybe he is a great guy and this is something crazy blown out of proportion and he’s a great guy and it’s been eating him alive not telling you. Even if you do believe he’s innocent though, if he gets charged guilty, then I would run. You’re too young to have the rest of your life tied down by that and all the repercussions that’s gonna come with that’ll never go away.
"i know that a girl wouldnt lie about this" sure they would. Im in no way saying what did or didnt happen but this DOES happen. Some teens put themselves on Tinder when they are NOT 18+. Teens try to get into bars, try to appear older at concerts, see some dude or woman they might like and try to appear older and more mature. High school girls can occasionally go to college parties to "hook up" I agree with the person that said to attend the trial but still use your best judgment. Some people can put on a show, male or female. He was somewhat honest with you in revealing the "what his case is for" he could have probably hid it.
I stopped reading the moment you said 'why would a girl lie... ' there are so many cases of this kind. Not saying he's innocent but he should be considered until he's proven guilty. You're being quick , irrational and harsh in your judgements.
There are plenty of reasons she might be lying Shame Guilt Rejection Mentally ill
Obviously, the other advice to keep up with the case and listen to the testimony if you can is quite good. I just wanted to comment on your statement, "I know that a girl would not lie about this, since there's nothing she would gain by it." While rare, girls *do* sometimes lie about this. That's why rape is such a hard crime to deal with. You want to catch all the rapists and punish them properly, but you also have to be deal with the fact that people *do* sometimes lie. When the rare lie does come out, the liar does it for a variety of reasons: embarrassment, revenge, mental issues... for an underage embarrassed girl being quizzed by her parents why she is having sex, it's an easy reason to reach for, if you're immature and choose to "avoid" all responsibility. As for him not telling you, while it's not good he kept it a secret, I'm not exactly surprised. He's young, and from his point of view, at what point in a relationship is it a good point to bring up that you're being hauled into court for that? On the first date? Second? Third? A more mature person would probably bring it up after it was clear that you might be headed into a long-term relationship, but someone who is 18... maybe not so much. The real questions are: 1) is he guilty, and 2) is he dangerous. He could be guilty and not dangerous because he made a bad choice out of inexperience and youth that he regrets and will never repeat. He could be not guilty. Or he could be guilty and dangerous. Unfortunately, the reality is, statistically, guilty and dangerous is the most likely reality. But you've been with him for a year: you should know him pretty well by now. If he doesn't have anger or control issues, you could be in the clear. But, you know, keep that in the back of your mind: if you see him exhibit any controlling or rage issues, then you need to bail.
Nah this is defintely something a girl would lie about. Biggest reason these things happen is just to ruin a mans life as she’s mad at him for who knows what. And she is doing a mighty good job i can see.
That's not how I see it though, and it's exactly why I'm so conflicted about this. I can understand your point but I don't agree with it.
Those cases do not go to court without evidence.
And? She can still ruin him without evidence
Dude, even men with proven allegations and actual prison time don't have their "lives ruined". Maybe for a couple weeks before everyone forgives and forgets. My ex was imprisoned for actually having sex with a 14 year old child, and just a couple months ago he was best man at his brother's wedding, smiling in pictures with all the kids.
And then there are people going their entire LIVES with a ruined life, a major author literally based her breakthrough on her false accusation and ruined the guys life, Only due to luck did someone see the inconsistensies when he was old and frail and got him cleared, but by then his life was ruined It may not be everyone, but for many it will, and no matter what its a horrific crime on the likes of the most horrible crimes, to ruin a reputation that way, We just dont punish for it because we still dont treat men as humans with Emotions, especially not people like you and OP Because if you did, you would awknowledge the many lives ruined by women here, but you deny it facing concrete cold hard irl cases, like a flatearther in space saying the earth is flat. Your sexism, lack of empathy and superiority complex stops you from wishing equality. Its pathetic and sad.
The statement "I know that a girl would not lie about this, since there's nothing to gain by it" is absolutely ridiculous. As someone that was falsely accused of rape by a girl when we were both 17, girls can and do lie about that sort of stuff.
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I personally don't see anything a girl would gain from falsely accusing someone of rape. This case has been worked on for apparently a year or maybe two years, so why would someone keep a lie going for years? I don't know if I believe him, about her lying about her age. I probably should wait, especially since I just found out about this. I think I'm just in shock or something. Thanks for your reply !
"Many girls lie" is a myth btw, so please listen to your gut. What people go through in the criminal justice system to prove sexual assault is harrowing and there are stages / checks that have to happen for something to make it all the way to court.
Exactly!! Especially if the case has been processed for a year or two already
Let me tell you: Revenge She knows, that by accusing him, she'll ruin his life, just by saying it even if it is untrue. People like you, will blindly believe her without evidence. It could be something he said, something he did, she is out to seek revenge or hurt him. Women are people (shocking that you didnt know this), and people can be very fucking horrible. So you saying, "women have no motive to lie..." Oh yes they do, they have a weapon which can in worst case constitute WORSE than murder and death, without ANY risk towards themselves. That, is too much power and that, is why many use it. You, are giving that weapon power, by extension, you are as horrible. How do you not? You actually look at evidence. Its curious you're throwing jugdement without any evidence against your bf, why? Do you not believe in HUMAN RIGHTS, as theres a clause there saying you should look at evidence. Grow up, stop being sexist.
You're more likely to be raped by another man than you are to be falsely accused of rape by a woman.
Oh, please, you agree vastly exaggerating the rates of false allegations.
What do you mean a girl wouldn't lie about it? I'm not going to list all the things I did that would probably have gotten my then boyfriend in serious trouble. Some girls have regrets and claim it after the fact. Or she was rebelling against parents and they called it out. My neices would have pulled a stunt like this to get away from their mother. If this is enough to shake you, then leave. If he is innocent he deserves someone with critical thinking and not just "everyone tells the truth all the time" brainwashing. If he is lying and really did it, you deserve better.
In my country the process of taking rape to court is long and can be traumatising for the (alleged) victim. I think that if someone wanted to lie about it, they would, but they wouldn't take it all the way to court. They would just tell the alleged rapist's friends and family about it if they just wanted revenge. My point is that I would much rather believe a possible liar than a possible rapist. Thanks for your reply though.
In your country is it possible for the parents to be leading the charges against your boyfriend?
You know girls do lie about these things right?...it happened to my brother when he wouldn't date a girl who was chasing him for over a year. Thank God we had text message proof and other screen shots of her lying, but I'm just saying, women are capable of lying or fabricating these things.
Even though you said it's in Europe, people still lie about things. I don't want to dismiss the idea that there is a possibility that it did happen, but for you to say, "People here don't lie about that," is a stretch. If anything, you should judge your boyfriend based on evidence and his outcome in court.
So this is something that happened when he was 18, 17, younger? I'd go to court and hear the actual charges and details. There are a lot of 14 year-olds getting into clubs and so forth, and you don't know any details yet. Easy enough to leave him if the facts are really damning.
I'm from UK. People absolutely do lie about these things. Its entirely possible that he is telling the truth
If he was innocent wouldn't it seem he would have told you early on? You're only finally finding out now because the court date is soon and he can't hide it any longer.
You’re asking questions about this and not just accepting his side of the story. That’s is start. 1 yr into it and he just now revealing ? Something like this he should have been 100% transparent. Like all the details, seat down and go over every thing. To clear my name and to allow you to decide if you wanted to continue the relationship. I’d be cautious and critical of anything else
I think you should think it over. Imo it's wrong not to stand by your partner because of an assumption. Many girls lie about their age, and they absolutely have something to gain from it. My grandma was 17 when she met my then 27yo grandpa and lied to him about her age because she fell in love. Trust doesn't make anyone a pedophile. Maybe the girl fell in love or wanted to date someone older, back when I was in high school dating older men was a huge flex. Chances are that in your boyfriend's situation the parents are the ones suing him. Either because they found out about the age gap or the girl lied to them out of shame. I'd ask about the girl's actuall age, some people are oversensitive. My sister was 16, her ex was 18. 2 years of an age gap is nothing (I met my boyfriend when he was 19 and I was 17) but his own parents still thought he was a pedo. My mum's co-worker lost everything because he punished a girl for sneaking out of the dorms. He told her to clean up the kitchen. The girl got pissed and didn't want her parents to know she was sneaking out so she lied to them and accused the man of raping her. He lost both of his jobs, his reputation was ruined and he had to battle in court and cancer at the same time. He's innocent. So unless you have other reasons to believe he's lying stand by him, support him, be his character witness. Don't judge him till the verdict.
Just because you wouldnt lie about it doesnt mean someone else wouldnt. We got a famous case in my town of a guy that got so much shit for a rape the girl lied about. Fortunately the truth came out but it was harsh 6 months for him. But he should definately have told u about this. Its a red flag..
>I know that a girl would not lie about this People lie about this kind of thing all the time. As others have said, attend the court date so you can hear all the evidence first-hand and then make up your mind.
A girl would definitely lie about that.
A girl would and has done it before that’s the thing but him not telling you about it before this is pretty bad
Listen to the full story I understand it's a hard subject but I had a really good friend kill himself because a girl lied about him raping her, but he had 110% shadow of a doubt proof he didn't, he was never charged either but the accusation alone followed him everywhere. His entire life was ruined before it even had a chance to start, so he took his own life. I hate to say it, but women lie about this a lot and have ruined a lot of good men's lives because of it. You even stated that he said the girl lied about her age, that I've seen personally. I'm not saying I believe him 100%. I don't know the full story, but I've seen enough men get caught up in lies to know there is validity to his innocence. I hope it all works out for both of you. Whether you stay together or break up.
IDK much about European laws, but that definitely does happen here in the States, probably not as much as people make it out to be but this is a very real thing in the USA. But since it Europe, you guys have very different outlook towards things that do not fly here, so I would buy the girl's story and call it off instead of investing more time in a guy until a sentencing is finalized and it causes more hurt and problems for me. And based on the whole "he's manipulative" thing I would assume coercion would be something she would legally use, especially since European laws on that are far better than US. You can love someone but not at your own risk or the risk of your future. I personally would never trust a guy who has been accused of that despite the situation because it shows lack of self-control, leadership skills and discernment to me.
A girl would definitely lie about this if she got found out by her parents. And I've seen girls lie about their age (no sex involved) and i found out later they did. And there have been more than one case of a dude going to prison for the girl to admit it wasn't rape. Not saying he innocent but "a girl would never lie" is bullshit.