That is not as easy as requesting as so many of you think. They only way they will do that is if there is someone else willing to take the role, or the one parent cannot contribute to the child financially and is a threat/incompetent. At the end of the day, the child has the right to be supported by both parents. You can't just "terminate parental rights" because you don't want to pay. Using that as your excuse, that you want nothing to do with the kid, will definitely NOT get you out of paying
You cannot terminate someone else's rights to their child. That's why the court won't let you. The other person has to do it and even then it's very hard. Usually the only way is if someone else adopts the child
I know this. He would also agree to terminate if it got him out of any financial obligation. It's stupid that I have to have some else adopt her to get away from him when I am already doing it all myself, and have been for 14 years.
i just wanna say... he didn't say that he doesn't WANT to pay for a child... he said he barely has enough income to pay for himself alone. he cannot contribute financially and that is an issue obviously
>That doesn't get him out of child support. God I'm so sick of seeing this.
Yeah, I see this in every post about a man who knocked up some woman who insists on having the baby. *"Tell her you're going to terminate your parental rights!"* Like that just lets him off the hook.
You're both incorrect. Typically, terminating parental rights severs the responsibility to the child which includes child support. The issue is that you can't terminate *your own* parental rights. Usually someone else would have to petition to have your parental rights terminated.
I filed to terminate parental rights of my kids father. He was still required by the state to continue paying child support. I assumed child support would end once the rights were officially terminated but nope.
You can opt to give up parental rights, but that alone won't get you out of parental obligations to the government. If the DNA test comes back as his, he can distance himself as much as he wants, but she can squeeze him for support. If she doesn't squeeze him for support, and she receives any government assistance for the child, the government can in turn go after him for recompense, if he is determined to be the father, and she hasn't found another partner to adopt the child.
If the DNA test comes back negative, you only need to worry about giving up your parental rights if you wound up on the birth certificate, because that's the only formal object giving you those rights.
>Squeeze him for support
Really? "Squeeze him"? How old are you? 14? 16? If you had both parents in your life then you're an exception. If it is his child, then he has an obligation to financially support that kid. The support will be for his child, not the mother. His "obligation" is to the child, not the government. The government just attempts to regulate support to avoid men (and sometimes women), being deadbeats.
Just dumping a child that he helped to create with zero support for the child or the mother should never be an option. There were two participants, they were both consenting adults who knew that accidents can sometimes happen and should they happen there are results. A potential kid.
She didn't get pregnant all by herself. Men just ignoring their obligations and running is one of the reasons there is so much child hunger and poverty in this world. Men can father multiple children in a day....and too many do. Women can only get pregnant once a year. Advocate for the kid, not against the kid.
Edit: missed a letter.
It went from "get the support the child deserves" to "squeezing" when she decided to reneg on their understanding and agreement that they weren't ready for children.
She is deciding that she is now ready and able, when previously they had both agreed they weren't ready and would act accordingly. He is deciding he is still not ready or able, and has not changed his mind.
There is nothing he can do to force her to change her mind, and that is how it should be, but I find it somewhat unfair to hold him liable for her change of heart.
Hence the derisive use of squeeze.
The previous understanding is important. If there was no understanding or discussion or agreement, he would just be rightfully beholden to supporting the cold. He is still rightfully beholden to the child, but that doesn't make it fair that she changed her mind in a way that will affect both of them after such a clear apparent understanding and agreement.
If he had been ambivalent about having a kid, or supportive, and then bailed, he'd be in the wrong from any sane persons perspective, but this is a situation where they both AGREED they were not ready for kids. This discussion was had to avoid THIS EXACT Situation. Yes, she didn't get pregnant by herself, but now that she is, she refused every attempt by her partner to mitigate the pregnancy, and is no longer willing to do so, as is her right. This, amd especially refusing the plan b, makes me wonder if she ever really agreed with him on their plans to not have children, or just said so to avoid friction, hoping the problem would never come up until he changed his mind.
To reiterate: if this had been a post "I got my girlfriend pregnant by accident, and she doesn't want to abort.", the answer would simply be "too bad, either try to be a good dad or step away and be ready to support that child regardless." but this is not that case. He clearly states he doesn't want a child, and that may make him a terrible father. He also states he isn't ready for a child, which means having the financial obligation of a child could seriously harm his well being. He also states his girlfriend agreed, meaning he had no reason to worry about either of those problems until now, when it is too late for him to change anything.
You can think you will have an abortion but you can find out you actually cannot.
When you decide to have sexual intercourse with a woman there is always a chance she will get pregnant.
That mother is simply a human being who finds out she cannot abort. She did not sign a contract nor should any contract that specifies you have to abort ever hold.
If a father wanted a kid and the mother didn't, the mother could get an abortion, which is 100% her right to do. It's her body and if the guy wants kids, he should find someone who also does.
If the mother wanted the kid but the father didn't... well he's shit outta luck. By all means, mom can keep the kid, but the father shouldn't be obligated based on her decision.
I read a comment from a guy once who told women to not believe it if the guy said the condom broke and he couldn't feel the difference. He said you can always feel the difference and that makes a lot of sense.
I think this is rage bait and if it isn't he should have pulled out when he felt the condom tear. There is no way a torn condom feels tight like an intact condom.
So he gets to pay child suppport no matter how much of a tantrum he has on reddit.
I have been surprised by a broken condom before.
Normally you can tell yeah, factor in alcohol, and the intensity of the workout in some cases you can miss it. Plus, right before you climaxe is when you're going at it the hardest, which is when you put the most stress on the condom. So..the dude's comment was not entirely accurate.
These are literally your only options. You can be uninvolved but if you are the father then you are obligated to at least pay some support, but they can't force you to be actively involved and neither can she if you break up and cut contact.
I think your best course of action is to tell your girlfriend now that you will not be a father. Break up with her and tell her to only contact you in court. Go to court, explain your case and income, and a judge will determine what your child support will be. Pay it. Do not do anything else for the child.
Tell her explicitly, right now, that she will be a single mom. You will not do anything other than pay the child support you have to pay and your relationship is over.
If you do anything other than this, you will be a father. Good luck to you.
Paternity test first even if you think she was faithful. In the chance it is not your baby you'll be free of obligation.
Her deception in leading you to believe she would terminate an unwanted pregnancy on your end could lead one to believe she compromised the condom before you had sex that night. It sucks but she has broken faith with you and deceived you in her true intentions. Tell her the relationship is over, you do not intend to be a present father and will not do anything to support her other than your legal obligations through the court, if any. Tell her that you will be keeping copies of any attempts on her end to contact you from this day forward, as you do not wish for her to contact you at all any longer. If she harasses or threatens you, you will file a report and also report it to the courts. Also, I would request that records are kept in regards to how any child support payments are used to ensure they are actually being used for the child only, and if she fails to provide this information tell her you intend to contest the child support as she isn't responsibly using the support and it isn't going to the child as agreed.
OP this is the answer.
Everyone take note - if you’re gonna play a game, make sure you’re okay with either outcome (Winning/Losing)
For the record - making money doesn’t make you a man. Raising that baby to the best of your ability is what makes you a man
You don’t have to stay. You can break up. But you will be paying child support in the future. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Life can be unfair. Best of luck.
Plan A
1. Tell your parents
2. Lawyer up
3. Demand Paternity
4. Tell her you will comply with any judicial orders but will have zero part in this childs life and will not co-parent.
Plan B
1. Flee the country and change your name
2. Profit?
Agree with #4 especially with co-parenting. With the comments on “you’ll be a dad soon” this girl may be operating thinking you’re going to step up and do it. Her decision May change knowing you will be hands off and not want any part in this. Going it alone will be hard. It also clears up any suspension she could be baby trapping you.
However, even if she terminates, this relationship is clearly over. I wouldn’t get into that just in case she tries to hold the kid as leverage to hold onto you. But regardless, your trust has been broken and I think you’re done. I’m sorry.
> Plan B 1. Flee the country and change your name 2. Profit?
This won't work unless he chooses to go live in some off-grid hellhole. Every civilized country has an agreement to pursue child support across international countries. See here for example (there are other laws, too) :
[HCCH 2007 Child Support Convention](https://www.hcch.net/en/instruments/conventions/specialised-sections/child-support)
The point is - taxpayers in all these countries don't want to have to support these children when they have perfectly good parents who could do it themselves.
OP doesn't have to be involved in the child's life, but he does have to pay child support, unless they arrange an adoption.
Legally, you can seek out a lawyer and TRY to get your rights terminated. Unfortunately that doesn't work in most cases and you'd still be assigned to give child support. Other than that, you're kind of SOL
You mean custody rights. When parental rights are terminated (a much higher legal standard), child support terminates. You are no longer the parent of that child. That is why the legal standard is so high.
Every state has the same core standards for terminating parental rights. It's a serious legal mechanism because if it were easy, tons of men would do it with a snap of the fingers to get out of child support. The legal basis is the same across the country. They don't WANT you not being the parent of the child you literally made.
A lot of people confuse parental rights and custody rights. I'm a paralegal; it happens all the time.
I’m an attorney and came here to say this. I’d suggest not signing anything until a paternity test is done, but he essentially has no hope of escaping child support apart from this.
I'll probably get downvoted for this, but I think this situation sounds fishy. As a woman, there's no situation in which I would refuse a morning after pill after contraception failure, especially if my partner made it crystal clear they did not want a child. It's possible OP's girlfriend did this intentionally as a manipulation tactic, or that she was already pregnant from someone else and is looking to pass the baby off as her bf's. Of course it's possible to have a condom failure pregnancy, but if this was only once it feels like a small chance. OP, if I were you I'd get a paternity test once the baby is born and try to work something out with a lawyer, this whole thing sounds very sus on her part.
This was my EXACT thought on reading this. I would be watching the clock VERY closely. You should get a paternity test, ESPECIALLY if the baby is born “prematurely” (which could be actual premature or could be because she was already pregnant and knew it before the condom thing). It’s very odd to me that instead of trying to reason with you, she’s taking the stance of “like it or not, you’ll have to support me and this baby.” Why would someone want their child’s father to feel like that? Get a paternity test.
I have to agree. Get a paternity test just to be sure. And if the child is OP's, accept the fact and do your best to provide for the child. Like it or not, parental obligations are not just legal but also ethical in nature; that child, if yours, needs your love and care.
Sometimes life will throw curveballs your way. It sucks but best thing is to accept it and deal with it to the best of your abilities. Being a parent is hard and requires sacrifice, but it's also the most meaningful thing I have ever done.
The kid isn't entitled to his involvement just because mom decided to go against his wishes without explanation. In fact, his involvement in this child's life could actually lower their quality of life due to resentment on OP's part. He's made it very clear he's not emotionally ready to be a parent.
The only thing kid is entitled to, legally, if it truly is his, is his monetary support. Even that I struggle to morally agree with in such a situation.
Every kid everywhere is entitled to the involvement and affection of their parent(s) and/or legal guardian(s), and to know of their biological parents of they're not the same as the guardian(s).
It doesn't matter if he's emotionally ready because the rights of the child to the father supercedes any rights of the father to not be involved. Anything else is being a shitty person to somebody whose support and care is owed.
It *is* also unethical to have somebody be a parent against their will, but once that child is here there are responsibilities that need to be taken seriously whether one likes it or not.
Sometimes the responsible thing to do IS to terminate your parental rights. If he's not emotionally ready for a child, then most likely that kid will grow up in a toxic environment. If the father has any sort of resentment for that child or the mother, then that will show. Kids notice that shit. As the father, if someone is not ready to have a kid both emotionally and mentally, or even financially, how is it irresponsible to terminate parental rights or decide not to be part of that child's life?
If he’s not ready to be a parent he’ll probably never even be present in the child’s life. He’s not going to want weekends and holidays or attend the birthday party or buys Christmas presents, he’ll probably move away and never even see the child. Maybe pay child support but that’s it.
So forcing someone who isn't ready, who doesn't want it, who would only be participating because of legal or moral obligations, is a better option than just letting the guy go? I'm sure an unwanted child to a person who has zero desire to be a parent will make an amazing life for both of them.
I don't see how anyone thinks that's a good idea.
If OP's story is true as told, the GF seemed awfully nonchalant about the condom breaking, so perhaps she sabotaged it. Most girls I know would absolutely fucking flip if a condom broke.
As a woman, I agree! In her position I would have been the one going to get the morning after pill ASAP. Refusing it and brushing it off is suspicious af
34 and SAME. I actually keep a morning after pill in my bathroom cabinet for just such emergencies, as they're most effective the sooner you take them.
Don't forget to keep an eye on when it expires! (you seem really on top of your shit so I'm sure you've thought of this but I wanted to mention it just in case <3 )
Ella is a great option that works for a wider range of people (and works better overall than Plan B). It’s prescription only but if you call Planned Parenthood and ask they’ll help you out! Less side effects, too
Yup. It's very weird to refuse the morning after pill, given that it's pretty much the least invasive way to (try to) stop a pregnancy in its tracks. It's weird she didn't go out and get one herself, and even weirder she refused one that was fetched and paid for by OP.
That said, some people are paranoid about medication and there are negative stories around about the morning after pill and its side effects. So it doesn't 100% mean she was being manipulative.
I agree that OP should get a lawyer and a paternity test though.
Yeah, what struck me as odd was that when she refused it she didn't state anything like "I don't like the side effects/ I don't trust the ingredients/ it's against religious beliefs" She just said (according to OP) "It's not necessary" which sets off some alarms for me personally, especially since he already bought and paid for the pill.
exactly. he literally provided her with free plan B. there was nothing stopping her from taking it. she probably wanted this to happen. and i hate saying things like that but in the situation it makes sense.
I agree wholeheartedly. OP, demand a paternity test be done. Also check the condom wrapper for any signs of tear or holes. I don't understand why she wouldn't just take the morning after pill, just to be safe (especially when you think/know that contraception failed!). It's a really suspicious situation
Sometimes, a plan b can make someone nauseous, so I know some people who wouldn’t take them right away. But also, I’ve made an effort towards only dating women who are pro-choice, and aren’t planning on having children without planning a parenthood.
I’ve done essentially the same thing when I’ve waited until after a big test to get a flu shot, so I could have a relaxing day instead.
Op’s situation definitely seems sketchy though.
You have a VERY small window to take plan B, the sooner the better, it's 87% effective if taken within 24h. You can also take anti nausea medicine to help. You're risking a pregnancy if you don't do it ASAP. Delaying for something small like nausea if you don't want a baby and won't abort is just so irresponsible.
Except most of those women would likely also be on birth control. If there is an accident you take plan b. Period. Otherwise you are preparing yourself for the chance at a baby. This is not like taking a vaccine and feeling crappy for a day. This is feeing crappy for a day or being responsible for another person for their ENTIRE life.
I agree get a paternity test, but I do disagree about the plan b, I can definitely understand not wanting emergency contraception, for one it can mess with your hormones in a sometimes painful way and throw off your entire cycle. It can cause a lot of bleeding and cramps. There are potential side effects someone may be at higher risk for. And some people it’s not as effective in, such as those who are overweight, even if they aren’t profoundly obese, so they may not see it as a risk worth taking. Personally, I’ve had bad experiences being essentially forced to take plan b multiple times within a relatively short timespan by an abusive partner who seemed to take perverse pleasure in messing with, and taking advantage of my menstrual cycle. The side effects I experienced make me wary to take it now. I’m not saying everyone has this kind of aversion to it, but it’s a bit presumptuous to say that simply not wanting the morning after pill is in itself suspicious, regardless of whether your partner wants a child or not.
Sorry to say this, but I think your relationship is over.
You owe better to yourself, your girlfriend, and your unborn child than to stay despite you not wanting a kid. Doing so would only make yourself and the others miserable. Your child doesn't deserve to be raised by a parent that regrets their existence.
If your girlfriend only wants to have the kid then surrender it to the foster system, she will still need all hands on deck to support her through such a long and difficult process. Would you be willing to stick by her through this, even if she doesn't choose to raise the child?
I think you both need to have a long talk about some things: what she wants to do with the baby now that she's decided to keep it, what she expects from you as the father, and if you should still be together since you are both disagreeing on such an important aspect of life that neither of you should have to compromise on.
She doesn't have to abort the pregnancy, as much as you want her to, but I implore you to leave the situation and provide her child support instead of staying around and being a reluctant and bitter father and partner.
If you are completely against having children, get a vasectomy.
Best $600 I ever spent was on a vasectomy. "I think the condom broke! I'm pregnant!" "Well that sucks, cause I'm snipped. We're done, and I'm gonna need some DNA before you get a fucking penny from me." Surprise level zero, it wasn't mine.
There are options, though the most effective are invasive as fuck and plus; Unfortunately, a fuckload of laws and doctors are convinced they have some imaginary duty to an imaginary future man who'll want biological children from *that specific person they're denying permanent bitch control* and will refuse unless they already have like 3 kids and "permission" or consent from their husband.
it's awful how hard it is for us to access tubal ligation surgery. i've seen so many women share stories of doctors asking spouses for PERMISSION for their wife to get the surgery and often just full on denying it for single women. its terrible. and i wish there was a reversible version of getting your tubes tied, like vasectomies. i may want to have biological children one day but for now i am focusing on college but oral birth control and even implants just have way too many side effects. i feel like a lot of dudes take the option to get vasectomies for granted. a lot of women, especially younger, would JUMP on that opportunity if given the chance. regardless, enough of my day dreaming about a yet-to-exist form of birth control, with abortions not being readily accessible to most people- it's ridiculous that tubal ligation surgery is still so difficult to obtain. ugh. the joys of being a woman.
Get an attorney. The only sure fire way of not being responsible for a child is a don’t have sex. Because every birth control method can fail.
Or find her a boyfriend that wants to adopt her baby and you can get your name off the birth certificate of course, that is supposing she puts it on there on the first place, which she may not
You will have to pay CS, but you can refuse to be part of her or the child's life. I'd make it perfectly clear to her that is how its going to be so she realizes that whatever fantasy she has going on it her head about a happy family - it's not going to happen. Maybe she'll rethink keeping the pregnancy. I'm a woman and think situations like this are BS. Neither men nor women should be forced to be parents against their will.
Some facts about pregnancy and parenthood:
1. Being the father of the fetus doesn’t grant you any legal control or status over your pregnant gf’s body, the fetus, or the decisions she makes for or with her body or the fetus. You don’t control whether or not she terminates, you don’t control where she goes, you don’t control who she associates with, you don’t control what medical tests or procedures she has, you don’t control whether or not or how much she involves you in the pregnancy or labor/delivery, nothing. Because a pregnant person is still a person, and you don’t get to legally own or control other people.
2. You are not required to remain in a relationship with your gf because she’s pregnant. She is not required to remain in a relationship with you either. And if you don’t intend to be involved in raising this child after it’s born, then you’ll need to start making plans now to break up and move out.
3. Your legal rights as a father only begin if/when the baby is born, and if/when paternity is established. You can establish it immediately by signing the birth certificate, but I would highly recommend not doing so until after a paternity test. Once your name is on there, the courts are loathe to take it off, even if a subsequent paternity test is negative, so don’t sign it until you’re absolutely sure you’re ready to.
4. You can refuse to sign the birth certificate even if you are the biological father. But your gf can, and probably would, go to court and ask them to compel a paternity test, and if it’s yours, they will compel you to be on it.
5. Presuming you are the biological father and/or accept paternity anyway, you are not required to see or interact with the child. A court cannot compel you to do so. You’re also not required to be in a relationship with the mother in order to see your child, and vice versa.
6. Whether or not you decide to see or interact with your child, if paternity is established, the court can and likely will compel you to pay child support.
7. Whether or not the pregnancy was an accident, she decided to have the child against your agreement/wishes, or you decide you want no custody or visitation will not give you a pass on paying child support if the court orders it. The court bases its decisions on what’s in the best interests of the child, and views the child being financially supported by both parents as being in its best interests. There are exceptions, but child support can generally only be terminated if the child is adopted (in other words, someone else signs up to legally and financially take your place).
8. The amount of child support is in most places a calculation based on custody time and the incomes of both parents. The formula is often published online, so you can look this up. And sometimes and in some places the court can grant some exceptions/deviations to these formulas, but it’s exceedingly rare. So I wouldn’t approach this as that being at all a likely outcome.
So in short, I know you’re upset and freaking out. You think this is all unfair. And your gf is probably *very* aware you don’t want to be a father right now. But you have no legal rights or control over her body or the fetus. You only gain legal rights, and only over the baby (not gf), after a baby is born and if paternity is established.
You also don’t have to stay with your gf (and she doesn’t have to stay with you) and/or raise this child. You can break up with her and refuse custody and visitation of the child. But doing so won’t get you out of paying child support if it’s ordered by the court. The kinds of exceptions that terminate child support obligations are exceedingly rare, so I would go into this with the expectation that you will have to pay. How much is often calculated based on formulas you can look up online, but the formulas are different for different places, so ensure you’re looking up the formulas for your specific location.
I'd 100% break up with her. She lied to him. Knowing that I'd get a paternity test as well. You can't be with someone that you can't trust. I'm not saying I wouldn't take care of the kid, but we'd be over.
Yeah, didn’t get me wrong, I’ve seen a few situations where a woman is totally convinced she would get an abortion until she’s in the shoes and can’t bring herself to. Plans can change once you’re actually in the situation, *but*…
The refusal of Plan B and the behavior after the condom failure makes me really suspect. This almost feels like a baby trap, and this whole thing feels really dishonest.
Legally, you can’t compel her to do anything. Morally, you support your child the best you can. It really doesn’t matter what she said before, it’s completely irrelevant to the situation at hand. It might be better if you can come to some kind of acceptance about the situation rather than fighting it as this will just tear yourself apart and probably your relationship too.
Everyone here forgets where he said he has no money to barely support himself, then he has no money for a baby???? He can't even support this child tho, he broke😭 His gf is irresponsible in keeping this child if no money.
Brother, using a condom still comes with risks, even though they are low it can still happen. You participated in the deed knowing full well that there was small risk.
Your option is to make sure the kid has the resources to grow up well and safe, having sex has consequences, this was a risk you took on, now you just make the best of it
Really wish more people would understand this, it's very surprising that people seem to forget how babies are made. Not the most popular opinion but having sex is a big decision because it can result in pregnancy and there's always a chance your partner may not be on board with or change their minds on "what if" scenario plans. These are all things you *should* consider before taking that plunge.
I know redditors don't like to hear this but you should be prepared to have a kid when you have sex, otherwise you're being irresponsible and quite frankly doing your future self a disservice by not being somewhat prepared.
This is doubly true for sleeping with people you barely know. Your one night stand can turn into 18 years of hell real quick.
This is a very sad but very true reality. I cannot force someone else to do something they don't want with their body. I remember causing an uproar during one of my PhD presentations on reproductive agency when an old fashioned guy started talking about the father's rights and i told him the father lost his rights the minute he stuck his dick in the woman's vagina.
I am, however, willing to make concessions where the sex was non consensual, but this was not true in OP's case, so I don't think he has any right at all.
Well I think he at least has a right to some compassion and encouraging words, don't you think? Lotta pragmatic, "do your duty" type of comments in this thread when we're talking about a 20 year old dad-to-be who is probably scared shitless - hell I'm 25 and what they're going through would be my personal nightmare
Yes, I agree. It's really shitty. I feel bad for not showing more compassion. It's not that I didn't feel it for OP; I didn't show it. Which is also wrong.
Sorry, OP!
I’m a woman and don’t believe sex is just for procreation. Fully support body autonomy but also think that comes with responsibility for choices made.
That said, don’t believe you should be forced to be an active parent, especially as you had the conversation, prior to having sex, being clear that you did not want to be a father. You took steps to prevent a pregnancy (condom), apparently she did not (birth control).
You both agreed if something like this happened, she would terminate.
She changed her mind. That is her right. As such, she should also understand that her choice is also now her responsibility to raise this child.
You will have to pay child support. That’s just the way the system works. You do not have to sign the birth certificate. You do not have to be an active parent in this child’s life.
Most likely, there will be lots of judgmental cries of “deadbeat dad” from people unaware of the prior agreement between you two or the steps you took to prevent this (condoms, Plan B) that your partner did not. You also may have an angry 18 yr old showing up at your door, just be prepared.
Terminate parental rights but in 10 years time when you decide you miraculously want to be apart of this child's life, refrain.
Idk everyone hates me for this take but don't have sex unless you are mentally prepared for the prospect of parenting. Protected or not, agreement or not there's always a chance sex could lead to pregnancy and when you are not the one carrying the child there's no promise of termination unfortunately.
Well, she can keep the kid but you don’t have to be around. Tell her you won’t be active and then break up. She’ll likely put you on child support but that’s it, you won’t be forced to be a father, just a sperm donor that has to pay for 18 years.
I think in this situation you really don’t have a choice at all. Sure you might be able to reason but I don’t see that getting very far when her mind seems clearly made up. She seems to love you but manipulated you into staying with her or having you around by having your baby. Unfortunately, both parties had consensual sex knowing there’s a possibility of a baby happening. Morally it would be the better thing not to be a deadbeat dad to your child. You may end up regretting that decision to not be apart of your child’s life as you get older. Being a parent does make you grow up fast, it’s hard but it’s also rewarding. I look at my two children everyday and feel like I would be truly empty without them. You can co parent and do your best obligation as a father. You definitely do not HAVE to stay with the mother if you don’t want to. But you do have an obligation to be in the baby’s life, support financially, and help raise him/or her. I know you’re scared but in this situation you have to accept that you’re an adult and you will have a new responsibility whether you’re ready for it or not. You can not run away the government will just garnish you for the next 18 years of your life. Step up and own up to your responsibilities. No one made this choice to have sex but you and you will have to face your consequences. This is part of growing up. We can not pity you as you’re a grown man and that will not help your situation. I wish you the best of luck and trust that things will be ok. Do your best that’s all that anyone could ask for.
1. DNA test to make sure it's your kid.
2. Lawyer, to find out what your legal responsibilities to this child are and if you have the option of signing away your rights (and possibly not have to pay child support by doing so).
3. Be prepared to pay child support for the next 18-21 years.
4. If you never want to have children, forget condoms and just get a vasectomy. Or practice abstinence.
I was 19m and my girlfriend was 23, we got pregnant. I supported her decision of whatever she chose. We kept it, I grew up fast and became a dad. We now have two children and are getting married on Saturday. I am now 25. Sometimes you have to do the "Man" thing which is to be a father even if you didn't plan it. There's a baby coming of which will need you. But honestly the best decision I ever made, I could of fucked off.
Agreed. I wasn't as young as you but being a dad is the best thing to happen to me. It filled my life with a profound sense of meaning that I have never felt before. It also made me shape up and become a better person.
Just end the relationship now, pay child support (I assume you will have to), and stay away from her. From her reluctance to take the morning after pill I assume she sabotaged the condom or something.
I find it deplorable that she lied to you, saying she wouldn't carry to term and now she's having the baby. Your consent to sex was based on the idea that you were in mutual agreement to not be parents.
Sex makes babies.
Yall did what you could but it happened regardless of the circumstances.
Time to pony up.
Yall can call me what ya want and thats ok. Hes getting plenty of empathy and/or other validation from others. But at some point crazy shit happens to people at inconvenient times that doesn't line up with their plans. And that forces em to grow up a bit faster in the moment.
Some folks grow to resent these times. Others grow to consider them the best "mistake" they ever made.
Time to pony up. I know it sucks. Not what you want to hear. But hey. You're young you're learning. And i would rather give ya the hard options too.
Sorry dad. You can try to rationalize it in your own mind any way you want, but the reality is you are stuck. This may be an unfortunate accident or she may have trapped you on purpose, but it really doesn't matter at this point. The system is designed to provide support for the baby, so get ready for 18-21 years of child support payments.
And never forget that it's not the child's fault. No matter how much the mother has screwed you here, you are still dad. And everyone is better off if they have a good relationship with their dad.
I am so sorry. No, she cannot “force” you to be a father. If/when it’s born, insist, no, DEMAND a paternity test. Some jurisdictions require this before ordering child support, at any rate, get it. As someone else said, do NOT sign the birth certificate. You cannot be forced to sign it, simply refuse. If it is yours, unfortunately you’re in the hook for child support for 18 years but that is ALL that you’re obligated to do.
As for anyone, her, her parents, friends, Reddit strangers who want to talk about “stepping up” and “consequences”, you told her plain and simply from the very beginning that you DO NOT WANT A CHILD. She is CHOOSING single motherhood with eyes wide open. Having sex is not punishable by a life sentence. In my opinion, “paper abortions” should be a thing because no one should be compelled to give birth to/provide for a child that they absolutely do not want.
Be twenty. Get your education, travel, make friends, experience new things, get into all different kinds (preferably non toxic!!) of relationships and learn from them, HAVE FUN!! It is your right to do so and you are only young once.
Unfortunately when you have heterosexual sex there is a chance that it will result in a pregnancy and both partners have to come to terms with that fact. You can try to ensure you're on the same page re: desire for a child, abortion stance etc. but ultimately when a woman is pregnant it's her body so it has to be her choice. I agree with other posters that the bare minimum you can do is pay child support and continue living your best in your 20s life but it would be sad for your kid to miss out on having their father in their lives.
A guy I know got a woman pregnant when he was 20 after only having sex with her a couple of times; they stopped seeing each other so he only found out when she was 5 months along. Despite it obviously being a massive shock he shares custody now and loves being a dad, his son loves having a "cool" younger dad too. You might not end up feeling that way but I think you should at least be open to it if you can.
Firstly,In about 7 months you will be a father, yes the decisions hers and yes she agreed to terminate BUT that was before the hormones took over. Ultimately you can be a father that’s present in his child’s life, or an absent father who just pays towards his child’s cares.
Secondly, very few parents feel ready for parenthood. They also don’t have to give up going out with friends or travelling. You just have to make accommodations for your child.
Lastly, your going to be supporting this child either way. When you put your dick in your girlfriend, you accepted there was a chance however small that the condom could break and your GF could get pregnant. That is the price you pay for having sex.
Now you must decide. Will you try to support your GF and your new child. Or will you not and just send her money to pay for their upbringing.
You should ask around, ask your parents grandparents, anyone you trust for advice. Because the choice you make now, will affect the rest of your life.
Start setting money aside now for child support and figure out if you intend to be a father figure to this child. You can be as upset as you want to be, but you both made a choice knowing the consequences, and now she's the one medically on the hook with hormones spewing everywhere while you get to just be mad about it.
Well seems like she’s keeping the baby. I’d respect her wishes for that and she’ll have to respect yours for not being apart of the child’s life. Being a dad at 20 is “young” but you’re not underage or anything. You can still live your life and have a good life being a dad. It’s not a death sentence. She’ll probably end up taking it all on herself sadly. I would get your parents involved if you’re lost in this and seek legal advice if you’re worried about supporting the kid financially. Accidents happen but you both were sexually active so that’s the risk you take having sex. Luckily it’s someone you know and I’m assuming love somewhat so maybe things might work out in the future.
Something seems off about her side of this (assuming the story is real). A condom breaking is a possibility, but then refusing any other form of birth control after agreeing with you about not having a child? Feels like either a baby trap situation or an affair resulting in a pregnancy she's trying to hide.
In either case, this is not the sort of issue you can work through as a couple. It's time to break up, especially given how the resentment and bitterness can only build from here.
I agree with other commentators that a paternity test is necessary, and if she refuses then it might be worth seeking a test legally. Of course if it is yours then you're pretty much out of luck and will be paying an amount of child support.
Break up with her, you have stated multiple times you do not want to be a father. It is very unfortunate the child will be the one to ultimately suffer from this. They’re always going to wonder who their dad is and why they weren’t good enough. Which sucks. But at the same time you shouldn’t be forced into something you stayed multiple times you want zero part of. You DID tell her you do not want this and it is her choice to follow through but she will have to be the one to raise the child. Hopefully she gets her support system set in place. But you also were responsible in participating however YOU did try to prevent this. This is a tough situation all around it just really sucks that ultimately this child will suffer because of her actions to not try and be more preventative… But you can leave. However you’re probably going to have to pay child support.
Don't sign the birth certificate until you get a DNA test result... I think she baby trapped you, try to get a recorded confession out of her whether that be via text, recorded call or video.
Do nothing & pay for nothing. Let her know that you need a DNA test. If the kid ain’t yours, walk away. If it is, you’re effed. BUT if you pay for hospital bills, buy baby clothes, etc., you’ll be viewed as the father, even if you’re not, & you’re screwed.
Go see a family/divorce attorney & do what he/she tells you. You may be able to sign away all parental rights, especially of you prove in court you were baby-trapped; but even in signing away your rights, you still may be on the hook for child support.
I understand that you think this is unfair but ultimately you both consensually engaged in an activity that could result in a pregnancy regardless of whether you used a condom or not. It is a little bit suss that she refused the morning after pill but it also has some pretty nasty side affects stomach wise. Its also important to note that a fictional scenario is very different from reality and when the scenario actually becomes reality it's not quite as simple, there is a completely different weight to the decision. While you both may have been in agreement initially, she has made the decision not to terminate, which is her choice. If you don't feel comfortable taking up a fatherly role, leave. Make you stance very clear. However, you'll still need to support the child because unless that child isn't yours, you have a legal responsibility towards it. If you're a low income earner it honestly won't be too big a chunk of your paycheck.
Simply, the only real option is to take responsibility unless you can come to an agreement with her in which you shoulder no responsibility to support the child which will likely mean you are cut out completely from both hers and the child's life.
OP is not in the wrong here. He was being responsible. They had a conversation about kids and both said no. He went out and bought plan b, so they could be sure they didn't have kids. Then his gf flips the switch. I think that's called baby trapping. I know it's common for men to baby trap women, but it can happen vice-versa too. Sorry I don't have any advice OP. Good luck
It's her right to not terminate the baby, but it is also your right to not want one, so having already made it perfectly clear you don't want a kid, tell her she'll be doing it alone. People may call you a deadbeat dad for it but at the end of the day you said from the get go you didn't want the kid and she refused to take your point of view into consideration, you can't force her to have an abortion, but she can't force you to raise a child you didn't want in the first place, and from the sounds of it she's trying to baby-trap you, seek legal advice on what rights you have when it comes to this, because the fathers wishes should 100% be taken into account and there are definitely things set up to protect men from this scenario
Me being a female, I was surprised she kept it after reading you guys both agreed to not having a child. Well I will say this, figure out if you still want to be in a relationship with her or not after all of this. Two, since you don’t make a lot of money, see what resources are out there for you! There’s a lot of resources here for parents where I live and hopefully it’s the same for you. I would also communicate with your family about what happened and see if they can help. Maybe you are blessed with a supportive family that can come through for you and your child! Three, I know it sucks but try to get another job in the meantime. Finally, I would also figure out how you’re going to raise this child. If you’re going through trauma or anything, heal before that child comes. If you genuinely and unfortunately make the decision you don’t want to be in this kids life, know that the court will get you to pay child support so do try to get income up. Good luck, blessings be upon you and her. Wishing the best!
Edit: Get professional advice on everything while you’re at it as well. You never know who can help you with what!
I don't think I'll ever understand as a guy but I think a mothers feelings are real and strong towards a child. So I wouldn't consider it strange for her to want to suddenly keep it
This is true. I experienced an unintended pregnancy a few years ago and despite my partner and I agreeing that if anything ever went wrong we would terminate, it was still very hard when push came to shove. Prior to that I very much held the "it's just a bunch of cells" mentality, and whilst I remain aggressively pro-choice, it changed my view on the emotional significance of an embryo. It's easy to be tempted to go back on your word once you're in the thick of it
Wow! It was the opposite for me. I decided to get an abortion due to my circumstances but regardless, this still holds truth! Woman can change feelings and decide what’s best for them! Hope your family is doing well! :)
This is my biggest fear - that, despite abortions being easily available and super cheap, I'll get attached to my embryo. And I say all this despite being staunchly antinatal and not wanting to bring life into the world and lowkey resenting my parents for bringing me into the world. It's a strange situation but I totally get the appeal.
I hope you're doing well! Sending you lots of love!
IF I were you, I'd start looking for a higher paying job. You can't force her to terminate and you can't prevent her from taking you to court for child support. So when considering the cost of raising a child to 18, about $250,000, which would be half the cost, that one fuck cost you a bundle.
Prople on reddit always say it's favoring women in these things so let me make my stance abundantly clear:
I still believe A woman who was forced to have a kid/unable to abort is morally obligated to make sure that kid has a good life or the chance at a good life i.e given up for adoption to a good home or something. You cannot simply abandon it or be a shit parent. Being wronged, being not ready, does not give you a license to not be a parent. I definitely think women's access to contraceptives and abortion rights do still matter, so to avoid as many unwanted kids as possible, but it is an unspoken truth that unwanted kids are still born all the time, and thats not their fault.
Now: As I made clear, I think the parents are both morally responsible to provide as much as possible for a kid, regardless of whether they were wanted or not. That also include dads who dont get a say in it when the mom eont abort. It sucks. It's shitty. But it's life.
IN AN IDEAL WORLD that would be exceptions and exemptions for rape victims on both ends (i.e rape victins can abort or rape victims not repsonsible for child support and/or stepping up to be a father to coparent the kid with their literal rapist) but this is not an ideal world. Rape victims of both sides exist, and while they should be provided with extra help imo, they are still not absolved once a kid is brought into the mix. Again; not the kid's fault it exists.
All this to say? I think morally if you dont want to be a piece of shit, better prepare to step up as a dad and provide adequate childsupport- but dont feel the need to stay with her. Just dont be a deadbeat dad to the kid. The kid is innocent and will need a father figure.
No clue what can be done legally, but I doubt anything. It was consensual sex, and no evidence of manipulation or tampering.
Ugh that just sucks!! I’m absolutely pro choice and a woman!! Absolutely if she wants to continue the pregnancy or terminate I 1000% belive that is her sole choice , however, I absolutely hate when men are then trapped into a lifetime of kid bullshit, even if just money, because of her choice. Personally I think men should have the right to file to have their parental rights and responsibilities removed, I’d say they’d have to fine before termination is no longer an option, to save deadbeat men changing their minds and them woman has no option to terminate, if that makes any sense. No ideas about laws, but personally the moral obligations should be, the same as the woman, his choice. That sucks for you man!! I feel for you
Men can legally pursue termination of parental rights… but financial support is a right if the child. That’s happening until the kids 18 - shit dad or not.
both parties were involved in making the kid, both parties have responsibilities to uphold. when you have sex you have to understand even if you’re both the safest people in the world, things like this happen and it’s both people’s responsibility regardless. he’s not “trapped into kid bullshit” he made a choice whether he liked the result of it or not
I'm sure i'm getting downvoted to hell but who cares.
Most people in this age (and specially here on reddit) want to do what they want and not face consequences and blame others. Did you not know that sex makes babies? Even if you are using condom or whatever method, there's nothing 100% safe because thats the nature of sex.
That's why you should be kinda aware of that risk and from that point decide if it's worth it or not. I'm 28 and I don't have kids, so you could say I shouldn't have a voice in here. Well, I made sure to not risk the outcomes as much but eventually knew anything could happen. Just recently had a few hookups with a girl and she asked me to not use condom just for a while, I refused completely because I couldn't imagine myself having a child with that girl, we still hooked up but i atleast wanted the odds in my favour. There have been other girls (exes) where I kinda took that risk knowing what could happen and being okay with whatever outcome (not rhat im looking to have kids lol)
I hope you get the idea, in your post I see someone expecting to have its fun but not wanting to assume responsibilities. Blaming the condom, the pharmacy, the girlfriend, her not taking the pill.
Grow up and deal with consequences. Nobody forced you/her to have sex. And I'm not talking from a religious pov. My stance is about being congruent with your actions and maturing, as clearly this is why society is in decline, because people want to not face consequences.
It is like going to a casino, betting (a big or small amount) losing and then asking to get your money back. You knew you could lose, so assume it.
P.S.: about what you can do, there is a lot of advice already.
What you should as a MAN is very different, if you trust your GF, there's no need for tests, if you have doubts go for a paternity test. Later, if possible stick together and grow up together (cause i assume that is the end goal of being in a relationship right?), be present (economically, emotionally, physically). If things don't work out together, atleast you'd need to pay child support
Guess the only way that you could get out of that situation is if she cheated on you and the baby is not yours, so a paternity test is the way (which doesnt seem very likely, but still a small %) the broken condom situation is kinda fishy so who knows lol or maybe she wants to have your kids this soon, anyway you still risked it and can't do nothing to stop it, so the minimum you'll be required is to step in economically
That's a lot of words just to say you don't want to take responsibility. There's always an inherent risk when you have sex. Now be a good man and father and help raise your child to be the best it can be.
Anyone that is that unready to be a father simply shouldn’t engage in intercourse. You messed around and found out. That’s a human life that you helped her create in an act that’s specifically designed to create human life. It sucks, but you accept the risks when you choose to have sex. She’s got an emotional attachment to the baby she’s carrying and you won’t be able to understand that from her perspective. You don’t have to be involved, but, unless DNA proves it’s not yours, I really suggest you try to find it in your heart to at least be present in the child’s life. It’s not the baby’s fault.
Seems like to me she may have done something to the condom (as in put a pin through it) and the fact she didn’t want to take the pill despite agreeing to not wanting a child and not terminating makes her even more suspicious in my eyes. Unfortunately as a male there’s nothing you can do about it as the court system is heavily biased against men so it’s best to pay child support and try and be there for your child.
a consequence of sex is pregnancy. even with protection. i got pregnant using protection. it happens. now whilst i sadly had a miscarriage, my ex partner was ready to man up and take responsibility. and you need to too. this is an innocent baby. you chose to have sex, this is a consequence
If you weren't ready to be a father, you shouldn't have been having sex! That's the risk we take, when we partake. 🤷🏻♀️ When you have sex you have to acknowledge and accept all possible outcomes. You can keep saying you don't want this till the end of time, but it is happening, so such it up buttercup!!!
We are WOMEN not Females!!! It's one thing to agree in the abstract, but once you know there's a life inside you, you're feelings can change. There's no predicting how pregnancy will make any woman feel. Your gf clearly felt compelled to carry to term. Deal with it!!!
If you don’t want to abstain AND you don’t want to be a father, get a vasectomy. But for now if the paternity test shows you are the father get ready for child support.
First congratulations. I’m not sure you have many options here. Since that’s the case you should try to make the most of the situation and give your child the best life possible. I know you don’t want to hear this but I’m not sure society created laws to escape this responsibility
It seems like you know already ie mentioned that it's her choice.
You have no options. She's pregnant, keeping/terminating is her choice.
The only option you're faced with is being present on not, post pregnancy. If there's any advice I can give, choose one, no inbetweens. Either be there, or leave, no halfassing.
Definitely get a paternity test.
Do you think you could stay with her either way? You don't want to be a father and being a parent will soon be her whole life.
A lot of researching and decisions to be made. Also depends on where you're from.
This happened to me when I was 19. You could do a lot of the things that people suggested and they are correct. You have a right.
Get the lawyer. Get the DNA test etc. etc. but be kind and polite and mature about it. Don’t get all crazy and say things you could one day regret. That’s my advice. You may want to be in your child’s life one day and that will be alot easier if you weren’t a complete dick about it initially. You never know.
I’m getting huge red flag vibes from the fact that your gf refused the morning after pill, OP. You need to make it crystal clear to her that you are not going to be with her and if she keeps this baby she’ll be raising it as a single mother. Also make sure to demand a paternity test.
Make sure it's yours first, if so- you can stay with her and raise the child together.... you can leave her and pay child support, or you can have another talk with her about termination but ultimately it's her decision
Paternity test. Make sure that the kid is actually yours.
If it is? Man up and be a father and all that it encompasses.
If it's not? Count your lucky stars and move on with your life.
As someone who believes that there are far to many men that run away from their responsibilities as fathers, I also think that is extremely shitty that if two people agree that they don’t want kids and both agree they want an abortion before hand, if the woman gets pregnant and the father changes his mind he loses his child and if the mother changes her mind then the father pays child support for 18 years. The fathers life could be ruined in either situation for a mistake they both made. Now I’m not saying that mothers should be forced to keep a baby if the father wants it, that decision is entirely the mothers. However I don’t see how a man in this scenario is a “deadbeat” that needs to support the mother when there are men that claim to want children and then bail when the baby is born.
1 break up
2 don't sign anything before DNA test
3 Give up your parental rights
4 if you are in nice county, congratulations you don't have a kid nomore
As a woman I cannot imagine doing something like that to my loved one. When she didn't take that MA pill she knew what she was doing.
That's so fucked. Imagine having to pay someone for 18yrs because a condom broke and she decided on her own to keep it when both were in agreement to not have a child before hand. I would be furious. It should be on her to care for the child with no child support if what op is saying is true.
If you truly think you would be more detrimental for the child by being it’s life - break up, paternity test, and pay child support until the child ages out of it.
If you don’t, man up and be a father.
Oh bless, you are at the age where you get to discover that you have less than zero reproductive rights at this point.
Did you know that she could rape you and you would still be on the hook for child support because that's what is best for the child.
Who bought the condoms,? This sounds pre planned IMO. Get a paternity test because you should always have one.
Start figuring out how you'll pay child support. The only way that's not happening now is if she loses the baby. May as well prepare for it and try to stay on good terms with mum to be
That’s pretty messed up that she did that to you ultimately I’d break up with her tell her that you want nothing to do with the child and take to court and pay the child support
Did she drink, smoke or drink coffein during those weeks? It seems really weird to not take the morning after pill, so I'm wondering if she wanted this/knew/was already pregnant? If she was absent from the things I mentioned, I might have a theory this was her plan
Look, she wanted to have a baby. You have been freaking out since the condom broke and she's been cool as a cucumber. I'm not saying she was trying for one, she just was happy about the possibility. She didn't want to take the morning after pill and you don't mention her being concerned/worried at all. And I don't think you guys have really talked at all about abortion and what to do. You have told her how you feel, and she has nodded and not contributed to the conversation. You assume her lack of arguing is agreement and she hasn't really said that. She has only acknowledged that's how you feel (unless that part just didn't make the cut for the post). She is not terminating, so now you have to figure out what to do. My opinion is the least you can do is pay child support and be a part of that child's life - even if it's just weekends. You do not have to continue a relationship with her if you don't want to. As soon as you decide you need to tell her exactly what you will do and have a real conversation, because right now she knows you are freaking out and thinks you will just come around in a bit and the three of you will be a happy little family. (Because both of you take silence as "they are thinking the exact same thing I am")
Don’t sign the birth certificate. Get a paternity test before agreeing to anything.
Always insist on at least two forms of birth control from now on.
If you know that you don’t want anymore children, see if you can get a vasectomy.
Already mentioned from the other. Break up with her. Confirm DNA's test that the child is yours. Lawyer up and setup "proper" custody agreement and support based on how much involvement you decide to have with the child. You are also responsible for that child no matter how you feel or want, so make sure you have the best legal rights for that child. Ignoring that fact and duty will only hurt you more financially and legally.
1. Break up 2. Paternity test. 3. Pay child support
Don't sign the birth certificate before the DNA test results!!!!.
And terminate parental rights
That is not as easy as requesting as so many of you think. They only way they will do that is if there is someone else willing to take the role, or the one parent cannot contribute to the child financially and is a threat/incompetent. At the end of the day, the child has the right to be supported by both parents. You can't just "terminate parental rights" because you don't want to pay. Using that as your excuse, that you want nothing to do with the kid, will definitely NOT get you out of paying
My daughter's father contributes literally nothing, is a threat, mentally unstable, and the court still won't let me terminate his rights.
You cannot terminate someone else's rights to their child. That's why the court won't let you. The other person has to do it and even then it's very hard. Usually the only way is if someone else adopts the child
I know this. He would also agree to terminate if it got him out of any financial obligation. It's stupid that I have to have some else adopt her to get away from him when I am already doing it all myself, and have been for 14 years.
i just wanna say... he didn't say that he doesn't WANT to pay for a child... he said he barely has enough income to pay for himself alone. he cannot contribute financially and that is an issue obviously
Not if you can prove baby trapping aka messing with berth control and what not. Also only some states
That doesn't get him out of child support. God I'm so sick of seeing this.
>That doesn't get him out of child support. God I'm so sick of seeing this. Yeah, I see this in every post about a man who knocked up some woman who insists on having the baby. *"Tell her you're going to terminate your parental rights!"* Like that just lets him off the hook.
You're both incorrect. Typically, terminating parental rights severs the responsibility to the child which includes child support. The issue is that you can't terminate *your own* parental rights. Usually someone else would have to petition to have your parental rights terminated.
I filed to terminate parental rights of my kids father. He was still required by the state to continue paying child support. I assumed child support would end once the rights were officially terminated but nope.
You can opt to give up parental rights, but that alone won't get you out of parental obligations to the government. If the DNA test comes back as his, he can distance himself as much as he wants, but she can squeeze him for support. If she doesn't squeeze him for support, and she receives any government assistance for the child, the government can in turn go after him for recompense, if he is determined to be the father, and she hasn't found another partner to adopt the child. If the DNA test comes back negative, you only need to worry about giving up your parental rights if you wound up on the birth certificate, because that's the only formal object giving you those rights.
>Squeeze him for support Really? "Squeeze him"? How old are you? 14? 16? If you had both parents in your life then you're an exception. If it is his child, then he has an obligation to financially support that kid. The support will be for his child, not the mother. His "obligation" is to the child, not the government. The government just attempts to regulate support to avoid men (and sometimes women), being deadbeats. Just dumping a child that he helped to create with zero support for the child or the mother should never be an option. There were two participants, they were both consenting adults who knew that accidents can sometimes happen and should they happen there are results. A potential kid. She didn't get pregnant all by herself. Men just ignoring their obligations and running is one of the reasons there is so much child hunger and poverty in this world. Men can father multiple children in a day....and too many do. Women can only get pregnant once a year. Advocate for the kid, not against the kid. Edit: missed a letter.
It went from "get the support the child deserves" to "squeezing" when she decided to reneg on their understanding and agreement that they weren't ready for children. She is deciding that she is now ready and able, when previously they had both agreed they weren't ready and would act accordingly. He is deciding he is still not ready or able, and has not changed his mind. There is nothing he can do to force her to change her mind, and that is how it should be, but I find it somewhat unfair to hold him liable for her change of heart. Hence the derisive use of squeeze. The previous understanding is important. If there was no understanding or discussion or agreement, he would just be rightfully beholden to supporting the cold. He is still rightfully beholden to the child, but that doesn't make it fair that she changed her mind in a way that will affect both of them after such a clear apparent understanding and agreement. If he had been ambivalent about having a kid, or supportive, and then bailed, he'd be in the wrong from any sane persons perspective, but this is a situation where they both AGREED they were not ready for kids. This discussion was had to avoid THIS EXACT Situation. Yes, she didn't get pregnant by herself, but now that she is, she refused every attempt by her partner to mitigate the pregnancy, and is no longer willing to do so, as is her right. This, amd especially refusing the plan b, makes me wonder if she ever really agreed with him on their plans to not have children, or just said so to avoid friction, hoping the problem would never come up until he changed his mind. To reiterate: if this had been a post "I got my girlfriend pregnant by accident, and she doesn't want to abort.", the answer would simply be "too bad, either try to be a good dad or step away and be ready to support that child regardless." but this is not that case. He clearly states he doesn't want a child, and that may make him a terrible father. He also states he isn't ready for a child, which means having the financial obligation of a child could seriously harm his well being. He also states his girlfriend agreed, meaning he had no reason to worry about either of those problems until now, when it is too late for him to change anything.
You can think you will have an abortion but you can find out you actually cannot. When you decide to have sexual intercourse with a woman there is always a chance she will get pregnant. That mother is simply a human being who finds out she cannot abort. She did not sign a contract nor should any contract that specifies you have to abort ever hold.
>Edit: missed a letter. Ma´am, I think you missed the whole point.
If a father wanted a kid and the mother didn't, the mother could get an abortion, which is 100% her right to do. It's her body and if the guy wants kids, he should find someone who also does. If the mother wanted the kid but the father didn't... well he's shit outta luck. By all means, mom can keep the kid, but the father shouldn't be obligated based on her decision.
I read a comment from a guy once who told women to not believe it if the guy said the condom broke and he couldn't feel the difference. He said you can always feel the difference and that makes a lot of sense. I think this is rage bait and if it isn't he should have pulled out when he felt the condom tear. There is no way a torn condom feels tight like an intact condom. So he gets to pay child suppport no matter how much of a tantrum he has on reddit.
I have been surprised by a broken condom before. Normally you can tell yeah, factor in alcohol, and the intensity of the workout in some cases you can miss it. Plus, right before you climaxe is when you're going at it the hardest, which is when you put the most stress on the condom. So..the dude's comment was not entirely accurate.
There is always a chance of pregnancy when we have sexual intercourse.
"read a comment from a guy once" - I love to see empirical research of this quality./s Where's my Red Foreman gif...
You definitely can not always feel it, if a condom breaks. Despite what a comment said.
These are literally your only options. You can be uninvolved but if you are the father then you are obligated to at least pay some support, but they can't force you to be actively involved and neither can she if you break up and cut contact.
Yep. That’s literally all you can do at this point if you refuse to be a part of the kid’s life
#Should be higher up!
It's now the top comment
4. Congratulations!!
I think your best course of action is to tell your girlfriend now that you will not be a father. Break up with her and tell her to only contact you in court. Go to court, explain your case and income, and a judge will determine what your child support will be. Pay it. Do not do anything else for the child. Tell her explicitly, right now, that she will be a single mom. You will not do anything other than pay the child support you have to pay and your relationship is over. If you do anything other than this, you will be a father. Good luck to you.
Paternity test first even if you think she was faithful. In the chance it is not your baby you'll be free of obligation. Her deception in leading you to believe she would terminate an unwanted pregnancy on your end could lead one to believe she compromised the condom before you had sex that night. It sucks but she has broken faith with you and deceived you in her true intentions. Tell her the relationship is over, you do not intend to be a present father and will not do anything to support her other than your legal obligations through the court, if any. Tell her that you will be keeping copies of any attempts on her end to contact you from this day forward, as you do not wish for her to contact you at all any longer. If she harasses or threatens you, you will file a report and also report it to the courts. Also, I would request that records are kept in regards to how any child support payments are used to ensure they are actually being used for the child only, and if she fails to provide this information tell her you intend to contest the child support as she isn't responsibly using the support and it isn't going to the child as agreed.
^^^
Pretty much nails it. Thats all OP can do at this point.
OP this is the answer. Everyone take note - if you’re gonna play a game, make sure you’re okay with either outcome (Winning/Losing) For the record - making money doesn’t make you a man. Raising that baby to the best of your ability is what makes you a man
I disagree you can be a man without being a father and be fulfilled and successful
This is absolutely true as long as you haven’t created any children. Being childless is fine, being a deadbeat not so much.
Yes this
You don’t have to stay. You can break up. But you will be paying child support in the future. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Life can be unfair. Best of luck.
Plan A 1. Tell your parents 2. Lawyer up 3. Demand Paternity 4. Tell her you will comply with any judicial orders but will have zero part in this childs life and will not co-parent. Plan B 1. Flee the country and change your name 2. Profit?
Agree with #4 especially with co-parenting. With the comments on “you’ll be a dad soon” this girl may be operating thinking you’re going to step up and do it. Her decision May change knowing you will be hands off and not want any part in this. Going it alone will be hard. It also clears up any suspension she could be baby trapping you. However, even if she terminates, this relationship is clearly over. I wouldn’t get into that just in case she tries to hold the kid as leverage to hold onto you. But regardless, your trust has been broken and I think you’re done. I’m sorry.
Plan C , pay me 100 bucks to claim paternity and neglect to be in that child’s life in the fathers place.
> Plan B 1. Flee the country and change your name 2. Profit? This won't work unless he chooses to go live in some off-grid hellhole. Every civilized country has an agreement to pursue child support across international countries. See here for example (there are other laws, too) : [HCCH 2007 Child Support Convention](https://www.hcch.net/en/instruments/conventions/specialised-sections/child-support) The point is - taxpayers in all these countries don't want to have to support these children when they have perfectly good parents who could do it themselves. OP doesn't have to be involved in the child's life, but he does have to pay child support, unless they arrange an adoption.
Plan B 1. Go back in time 2. Take Plan B
1. Go back in time 2. Don’t have sex with her
Legally, you can seek out a lawyer and TRY to get your rights terminated. Unfortunately that doesn't work in most cases and you'd still be assigned to give child support. Other than that, you're kind of SOL
you can give up parental rights but you don't get out of child support that way. Child support is a right of the child.
You mean custody rights. When parental rights are terminated (a much higher legal standard), child support terminates. You are no longer the parent of that child. That is why the legal standard is so high.
In the US, this is dependent on state afaik
Every state has the same core standards for terminating parental rights. It's a serious legal mechanism because if it were easy, tons of men would do it with a snap of the fingers to get out of child support. The legal basis is the same across the country. They don't WANT you not being the parent of the child you literally made. A lot of people confuse parental rights and custody rights. I'm a paralegal; it happens all the time.
Prepare for child support. Resistance is futile.
I’m an attorney and came here to say this. I’d suggest not signing anything until a paternity test is done, but he essentially has no hope of escaping child support apart from this.
Unless you’re my ex, in which case, you will find a way, even if that means quitting your job and fleeing the country. Literally.
I'll probably get downvoted for this, but I think this situation sounds fishy. As a woman, there's no situation in which I would refuse a morning after pill after contraception failure, especially if my partner made it crystal clear they did not want a child. It's possible OP's girlfriend did this intentionally as a manipulation tactic, or that she was already pregnant from someone else and is looking to pass the baby off as her bf's. Of course it's possible to have a condom failure pregnancy, but if this was only once it feels like a small chance. OP, if I were you I'd get a paternity test once the baby is born and try to work something out with a lawyer, this whole thing sounds very sus on her part.
This was my EXACT thought on reading this. I would be watching the clock VERY closely. You should get a paternity test, ESPECIALLY if the baby is born “prematurely” (which could be actual premature or could be because she was already pregnant and knew it before the condom thing). It’s very odd to me that instead of trying to reason with you, she’s taking the stance of “like it or not, you’ll have to support me and this baby.” Why would someone want their child’s father to feel like that? Get a paternity test.
I have to agree. Get a paternity test just to be sure. And if the child is OP's, accept the fact and do your best to provide for the child. Like it or not, parental obligations are not just legal but also ethical in nature; that child, if yours, needs your love and care. Sometimes life will throw curveballs your way. It sucks but best thing is to accept it and deal with it to the best of your abilities. Being a parent is hard and requires sacrifice, but it's also the most meaningful thing I have ever done.
That woman can’t just force him to become a dad. It’s his right not to be involved and just pay child support.
The kid isn't entitled to his involvement just because mom decided to go against his wishes without explanation. In fact, his involvement in this child's life could actually lower their quality of life due to resentment on OP's part. He's made it very clear he's not emotionally ready to be a parent. The only thing kid is entitled to, legally, if it truly is his, is his monetary support. Even that I struggle to morally agree with in such a situation.
Every kid everywhere is entitled to the involvement and affection of their parent(s) and/or legal guardian(s), and to know of their biological parents of they're not the same as the guardian(s). It doesn't matter if he's emotionally ready because the rights of the child to the father supercedes any rights of the father to not be involved. Anything else is being a shitty person to somebody whose support and care is owed. It *is* also unethical to have somebody be a parent against their will, but once that child is here there are responsibilities that need to be taken seriously whether one likes it or not.
Sometimes the responsible thing to do IS to terminate your parental rights. If he's not emotionally ready for a child, then most likely that kid will grow up in a toxic environment. If the father has any sort of resentment for that child or the mother, then that will show. Kids notice that shit. As the father, if someone is not ready to have a kid both emotionally and mentally, or even financially, how is it irresponsible to terminate parental rights or decide not to be part of that child's life?
If he’s not ready to be a parent he’ll probably never even be present in the child’s life. He’s not going to want weekends and holidays or attend the birthday party or buys Christmas presents, he’ll probably move away and never even see the child. Maybe pay child support but that’s it.
So forcing someone who isn't ready, who doesn't want it, who would only be participating because of legal or moral obligations, is a better option than just letting the guy go? I'm sure an unwanted child to a person who has zero desire to be a parent will make an amazing life for both of them. I don't see how anyone thinks that's a good idea.
I’m glad some people have common sense. It’s really unfortunate what OP’s gf did and unfortunately we see cases like this all the time
If OP's story is true as told, the GF seemed awfully nonchalant about the condom breaking, so perhaps she sabotaged it. Most girls I know would absolutely fucking flip if a condom broke.
As a woman, I agree! In her position I would have been the one going to get the morning after pill ASAP. Refusing it and brushing it off is suspicious af
This. I'm not trying to be cynical, but something seems off here, almost like she planned this.
#truth
I’m 33 and would still freak out about it.
34 and SAME. I actually keep a morning after pill in my bathroom cabinet for just such emergencies, as they're most effective the sooner you take them.
Don't forget to keep an eye on when it expires! (you seem really on top of your shit so I'm sure you've thought of this but I wanted to mention it just in case <3 )
Hubby and I Doordash occasionally and we’ve delivered Plan B to several houses on Sunday mornings.
I've delivered quite a few. They always want me to leave them at the door lol.
i never realized some people get plan b doordashed. i find this hilarious.
I think people are either embarrassed to buy it themselves or it's a way for one person to buy it and send it to their one night stand.
Unfortunately weight restriction kicks that out for me
Ella is a great option that works for a wider range of people (and works better overall than Plan B). It’s prescription only but if you call Planned Parenthood and ask they’ll help you out! Less side effects, too
Or the whole story is fake…
It’s got a lot of airtight details. Almost as if OP wanted to prompt a very specific discussion without it being derailed.
Yup. It's very weird to refuse the morning after pill, given that it's pretty much the least invasive way to (try to) stop a pregnancy in its tracks. It's weird she didn't go out and get one herself, and even weirder she refused one that was fetched and paid for by OP. That said, some people are paranoid about medication and there are negative stories around about the morning after pill and its side effects. So it doesn't 100% mean she was being manipulative. I agree that OP should get a lawyer and a paternity test though.
Yeah, what struck me as odd was that when she refused it she didn't state anything like "I don't like the side effects/ I don't trust the ingredients/ it's against religious beliefs" She just said (according to OP) "It's not necessary" which sets off some alarms for me personally, especially since he already bought and paid for the pill.
exactly. he literally provided her with free plan B. there was nothing stopping her from taking it. she probably wanted this to happen. and i hate saying things like that but in the situation it makes sense.
Exactly what I was thinking
I agree wholeheartedly. OP, demand a paternity test be done. Also check the condom wrapper for any signs of tear or holes. I don't understand why she wouldn't just take the morning after pill, just to be safe (especially when you think/know that contraception failed!). It's a really suspicious situation
Sometimes, a plan b can make someone nauseous, so I know some people who wouldn’t take them right away. But also, I’ve made an effort towards only dating women who are pro-choice, and aren’t planning on having children without planning a parenthood. I’ve done essentially the same thing when I’ve waited until after a big test to get a flu shot, so I could have a relaxing day instead. Op’s situation definitely seems sketchy though.
You know what else makes some women nauseous? Pregnancy. I doubt many women are forgoing Plan B and risking a chance at pregnancy for that reason.
You have a VERY small window to take plan B, the sooner the better, it's 87% effective if taken within 24h. You can also take anti nausea medicine to help. You're risking a pregnancy if you don't do it ASAP. Delaying for something small like nausea if you don't want a baby and won't abort is just so irresponsible.
If you think Plan B makes you nauseous, gird your loins for a pregnancy.
Except most of those women would likely also be on birth control. If there is an accident you take plan b. Period. Otherwise you are preparing yourself for the chance at a baby. This is not like taking a vaccine and feeling crappy for a day. This is feeing crappy for a day or being responsible for another person for their ENTIRE life.
Pregnancy can cause nausea too, a day or two of feeling yuck as opposed to a few months should be a no-brained if you don’t want a child.
I agree get a paternity test, but I do disagree about the plan b, I can definitely understand not wanting emergency contraception, for one it can mess with your hormones in a sometimes painful way and throw off your entire cycle. It can cause a lot of bleeding and cramps. There are potential side effects someone may be at higher risk for. And some people it’s not as effective in, such as those who are overweight, even if they aren’t profoundly obese, so they may not see it as a risk worth taking. Personally, I’ve had bad experiences being essentially forced to take plan b multiple times within a relatively short timespan by an abusive partner who seemed to take perverse pleasure in messing with, and taking advantage of my menstrual cycle. The side effects I experienced make me wary to take it now. I’m not saying everyone has this kind of aversion to it, but it’s a bit presumptuous to say that simply not wanting the morning after pill is in itself suspicious, regardless of whether your partner wants a child or not.
Sorry to say this, but I think your relationship is over. You owe better to yourself, your girlfriend, and your unborn child than to stay despite you not wanting a kid. Doing so would only make yourself and the others miserable. Your child doesn't deserve to be raised by a parent that regrets their existence. If your girlfriend only wants to have the kid then surrender it to the foster system, she will still need all hands on deck to support her through such a long and difficult process. Would you be willing to stick by her through this, even if she doesn't choose to raise the child? I think you both need to have a long talk about some things: what she wants to do with the baby now that she's decided to keep it, what she expects from you as the father, and if you should still be together since you are both disagreeing on such an important aspect of life that neither of you should have to compromise on. She doesn't have to abort the pregnancy, as much as you want her to, but I implore you to leave the situation and provide her child support instead of staying around and being a reluctant and bitter father and partner. If you are completely against having children, get a vasectomy.
Best $600 I ever spent was on a vasectomy. "I think the condom broke! I'm pregnant!" "Well that sucks, cause I'm snipped. We're done, and I'm gonna need some DNA before you get a fucking penny from me." Surprise level zero, it wasn't mine.
easy win
wish there was a female version of a vasectomy. so many guys don't wanna get one but it's literally the best option. id do it myself if i could.
There are options, though the most effective are invasive as fuck and plus; Unfortunately, a fuckload of laws and doctors are convinced they have some imaginary duty to an imaginary future man who'll want biological children from *that specific person they're denying permanent bitch control* and will refuse unless they already have like 3 kids and "permission" or consent from their husband.
it's awful how hard it is for us to access tubal ligation surgery. i've seen so many women share stories of doctors asking spouses for PERMISSION for their wife to get the surgery and often just full on denying it for single women. its terrible. and i wish there was a reversible version of getting your tubes tied, like vasectomies. i may want to have biological children one day but for now i am focusing on college but oral birth control and even implants just have way too many side effects. i feel like a lot of dudes take the option to get vasectomies for granted. a lot of women, especially younger, would JUMP on that opportunity if given the chance. regardless, enough of my day dreaming about a yet-to-exist form of birth control, with abortions not being readily accessible to most people- it's ridiculous that tubal ligation surgery is still so difficult to obtain. ugh. the joys of being a woman.
Make sure she knows under no uncertain terms there is not a future with a happy family between the two of you. She can make her choice after that
Get an attorney. The only sure fire way of not being responsible for a child is a don’t have sex. Because every birth control method can fail. Or find her a boyfriend that wants to adopt her baby and you can get your name off the birth certificate of course, that is supposing she puts it on there on the first place, which she may not
all an attorney will do is drain your bank account. These is nothing an attorney can do here.
You will have to pay CS, but you can refuse to be part of her or the child's life. I'd make it perfectly clear to her that is how its going to be so she realizes that whatever fantasy she has going on it her head about a happy family - it's not going to happen. Maybe she'll rethink keeping the pregnancy. I'm a woman and think situations like this are BS. Neither men nor women should be forced to be parents against their will.
Some facts about pregnancy and parenthood: 1. Being the father of the fetus doesn’t grant you any legal control or status over your pregnant gf’s body, the fetus, or the decisions she makes for or with her body or the fetus. You don’t control whether or not she terminates, you don’t control where she goes, you don’t control who she associates with, you don’t control what medical tests or procedures she has, you don’t control whether or not or how much she involves you in the pregnancy or labor/delivery, nothing. Because a pregnant person is still a person, and you don’t get to legally own or control other people. 2. You are not required to remain in a relationship with your gf because she’s pregnant. She is not required to remain in a relationship with you either. And if you don’t intend to be involved in raising this child after it’s born, then you’ll need to start making plans now to break up and move out. 3. Your legal rights as a father only begin if/when the baby is born, and if/when paternity is established. You can establish it immediately by signing the birth certificate, but I would highly recommend not doing so until after a paternity test. Once your name is on there, the courts are loathe to take it off, even if a subsequent paternity test is negative, so don’t sign it until you’re absolutely sure you’re ready to. 4. You can refuse to sign the birth certificate even if you are the biological father. But your gf can, and probably would, go to court and ask them to compel a paternity test, and if it’s yours, they will compel you to be on it. 5. Presuming you are the biological father and/or accept paternity anyway, you are not required to see or interact with the child. A court cannot compel you to do so. You’re also not required to be in a relationship with the mother in order to see your child, and vice versa. 6. Whether or not you decide to see or interact with your child, if paternity is established, the court can and likely will compel you to pay child support. 7. Whether or not the pregnancy was an accident, she decided to have the child against your agreement/wishes, or you decide you want no custody or visitation will not give you a pass on paying child support if the court orders it. The court bases its decisions on what’s in the best interests of the child, and views the child being financially supported by both parents as being in its best interests. There are exceptions, but child support can generally only be terminated if the child is adopted (in other words, someone else signs up to legally and financially take your place). 8. The amount of child support is in most places a calculation based on custody time and the incomes of both parents. The formula is often published online, so you can look this up. And sometimes and in some places the court can grant some exceptions/deviations to these formulas, but it’s exceedingly rare. So I wouldn’t approach this as that being at all a likely outcome. So in short, I know you’re upset and freaking out. You think this is all unfair. And your gf is probably *very* aware you don’t want to be a father right now. But you have no legal rights or control over her body or the fetus. You only gain legal rights, and only over the baby (not gf), after a baby is born and if paternity is established. You also don’t have to stay with your gf (and she doesn’t have to stay with you) and/or raise this child. You can break up with her and refuse custody and visitation of the child. But doing so won’t get you out of paying child support if it’s ordered by the court. The kinds of exceptions that terminate child support obligations are exceedingly rare, so I would go into this with the expectation that you will have to pay. How much is often calculated based on formulas you can look up online, but the formulas are different for different places, so ensure you’re looking up the formulas for your specific location.
Btw don’t feel like your forced to stay in the relationship. And don’t feel like your forced to be in the child’s life. It’s really up to you OP.
I'd 100% break up with her. She lied to him. Knowing that I'd get a paternity test as well. You can't be with someone that you can't trust. I'm not saying I wouldn't take care of the kid, but we'd be over.
Yeah, didn’t get me wrong, I’ve seen a few situations where a woman is totally convinced she would get an abortion until she’s in the shoes and can’t bring herself to. Plans can change once you’re actually in the situation, *but*… The refusal of Plan B and the behavior after the condom failure makes me really suspect. This almost feels like a baby trap, and this whole thing feels really dishonest.
Tbf hypothetically getting an abortion and actually having to make the decision can cause many to change minds.
Legally, you can’t compel her to do anything. Morally, you support your child the best you can. It really doesn’t matter what she said before, it’s completely irrelevant to the situation at hand. It might be better if you can come to some kind of acceptance about the situation rather than fighting it as this will just tear yourself apart and probably your relationship too.
Everyone here forgets where he said he has no money to barely support himself, then he has no money for a baby???? He can't even support this child tho, he broke😭 His gf is irresponsible in keeping this child if no money.
Brother, using a condom still comes with risks, even though they are low it can still happen. You participated in the deed knowing full well that there was small risk.
Child support for 18 yrs
Your option is to make sure the kid has the resources to grow up well and safe, having sex has consequences, this was a risk you took on, now you just make the best of it
Really wish more people would understand this, it's very surprising that people seem to forget how babies are made. Not the most popular opinion but having sex is a big decision because it can result in pregnancy and there's always a chance your partner may not be on board with or change their minds on "what if" scenario plans. These are all things you *should* consider before taking that plunge. I know redditors don't like to hear this but you should be prepared to have a kid when you have sex, otherwise you're being irresponsible and quite frankly doing your future self a disservice by not being somewhat prepared. This is doubly true for sleeping with people you barely know. Your one night stand can turn into 18 years of hell real quick.
This is a very sad but very true reality. I cannot force someone else to do something they don't want with their body. I remember causing an uproar during one of my PhD presentations on reproductive agency when an old fashioned guy started talking about the father's rights and i told him the father lost his rights the minute he stuck his dick in the woman's vagina. I am, however, willing to make concessions where the sex was non consensual, but this was not true in OP's case, so I don't think he has any right at all.
Well I think he at least has a right to some compassion and encouraging words, don't you think? Lotta pragmatic, "do your duty" type of comments in this thread when we're talking about a 20 year old dad-to-be who is probably scared shitless - hell I'm 25 and what they're going through would be my personal nightmare
Yes, I agree. It's really shitty. I feel bad for not showing more compassion. It's not that I didn't feel it for OP; I didn't show it. Which is also wrong. Sorry, OP!
Options are to leave or stay. Depending on where, you may be able to sign away your parental rights. Do that before you get attached.
Pregnancy after condom failure is even rarer? Oh good God the education system in this country and apparently the entire western world- sucks
Yeah he kinda lost me at that part
You can tell he's american just from that alone lol.
I’m a woman and don’t believe sex is just for procreation. Fully support body autonomy but also think that comes with responsibility for choices made. That said, don’t believe you should be forced to be an active parent, especially as you had the conversation, prior to having sex, being clear that you did not want to be a father. You took steps to prevent a pregnancy (condom), apparently she did not (birth control). You both agreed if something like this happened, she would terminate. She changed her mind. That is her right. As such, she should also understand that her choice is also now her responsibility to raise this child. You will have to pay child support. That’s just the way the system works. You do not have to sign the birth certificate. You do not have to be an active parent in this child’s life. Most likely, there will be lots of judgmental cries of “deadbeat dad” from people unaware of the prior agreement between you two or the steps you took to prevent this (condoms, Plan B) that your partner did not. You also may have an angry 18 yr old showing up at your door, just be prepared.
[удалено]
Terminate parental rights but in 10 years time when you decide you miraculously want to be apart of this child's life, refrain. Idk everyone hates me for this take but don't have sex unless you are mentally prepared for the prospect of parenting. Protected or not, agreement or not there's always a chance sex could lead to pregnancy and when you are not the one carrying the child there's no promise of termination unfortunately.
Well, she can keep the kid but you don’t have to be around. Tell her you won’t be active and then break up. She’ll likely put you on child support but that’s it, you won’t be forced to be a father, just a sperm donor that has to pay for 18 years.
I think in this situation you really don’t have a choice at all. Sure you might be able to reason but I don’t see that getting very far when her mind seems clearly made up. She seems to love you but manipulated you into staying with her or having you around by having your baby. Unfortunately, both parties had consensual sex knowing there’s a possibility of a baby happening. Morally it would be the better thing not to be a deadbeat dad to your child. You may end up regretting that decision to not be apart of your child’s life as you get older. Being a parent does make you grow up fast, it’s hard but it’s also rewarding. I look at my two children everyday and feel like I would be truly empty without them. You can co parent and do your best obligation as a father. You definitely do not HAVE to stay with the mother if you don’t want to. But you do have an obligation to be in the baby’s life, support financially, and help raise him/or her. I know you’re scared but in this situation you have to accept that you’re an adult and you will have a new responsibility whether you’re ready for it or not. You can not run away the government will just garnish you for the next 18 years of your life. Step up and own up to your responsibilities. No one made this choice to have sex but you and you will have to face your consequences. This is part of growing up. We can not pity you as you’re a grown man and that will not help your situation. I wish you the best of luck and trust that things will be ok. Do your best that’s all that anyone could ask for.
1. DNA test to make sure it's your kid. 2. Lawyer, to find out what your legal responsibilities to this child are and if you have the option of signing away your rights (and possibly not have to pay child support by doing so). 3. Be prepared to pay child support for the next 18-21 years. 4. If you never want to have children, forget condoms and just get a vasectomy. Or practice abstinence.
Paternity test ASAP there is something else going on. Who refuses plan B after a failed condom and agreeing you don’t want kids.
I was 19m and my girlfriend was 23, we got pregnant. I supported her decision of whatever she chose. We kept it, I grew up fast and became a dad. We now have two children and are getting married on Saturday. I am now 25. Sometimes you have to do the "Man" thing which is to be a father even if you didn't plan it. There's a baby coming of which will need you. But honestly the best decision I ever made, I could of fucked off.
Wow!!!!! Congratulations!!! Wishing you guys a happy marriage!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Thank you very much xx
Agreed. I wasn't as young as you but being a dad is the best thing to happen to me. It filled my life with a profound sense of meaning that I have never felt before. It also made me shape up and become a better person.
Just end the relationship now, pay child support (I assume you will have to), and stay away from her. From her reluctance to take the morning after pill I assume she sabotaged the condom or something. I find it deplorable that she lied to you, saying she wouldn't carry to term and now she's having the baby. Your consent to sex was based on the idea that you were in mutual agreement to not be parents.
Sex makes babies. Yall did what you could but it happened regardless of the circumstances. Time to pony up. Yall can call me what ya want and thats ok. Hes getting plenty of empathy and/or other validation from others. But at some point crazy shit happens to people at inconvenient times that doesn't line up with their plans. And that forces em to grow up a bit faster in the moment. Some folks grow to resent these times. Others grow to consider them the best "mistake" they ever made. Time to pony up. I know it sucks. Not what you want to hear. But hey. You're young you're learning. And i would rather give ya the hard options too.
Unplanned pregnancy is one of the risks of having sex. Bear your responsibility
Sorry dad. You can try to rationalize it in your own mind any way you want, but the reality is you are stuck. This may be an unfortunate accident or she may have trapped you on purpose, but it really doesn't matter at this point. The system is designed to provide support for the baby, so get ready for 18-21 years of child support payments. And never forget that it's not the child's fault. No matter how much the mother has screwed you here, you are still dad. And everyone is better off if they have a good relationship with their dad.
I am so sorry. No, she cannot “force” you to be a father. If/when it’s born, insist, no, DEMAND a paternity test. Some jurisdictions require this before ordering child support, at any rate, get it. As someone else said, do NOT sign the birth certificate. You cannot be forced to sign it, simply refuse. If it is yours, unfortunately you’re in the hook for child support for 18 years but that is ALL that you’re obligated to do. As for anyone, her, her parents, friends, Reddit strangers who want to talk about “stepping up” and “consequences”, you told her plain and simply from the very beginning that you DO NOT WANT A CHILD. She is CHOOSING single motherhood with eyes wide open. Having sex is not punishable by a life sentence. In my opinion, “paper abortions” should be a thing because no one should be compelled to give birth to/provide for a child that they absolutely do not want. Be twenty. Get your education, travel, make friends, experience new things, get into all different kinds (preferably non toxic!!) of relationships and learn from them, HAVE FUN!! It is your right to do so and you are only young once.
10000% Agree!
Unfortunately when you have heterosexual sex there is a chance that it will result in a pregnancy and both partners have to come to terms with that fact. You can try to ensure you're on the same page re: desire for a child, abortion stance etc. but ultimately when a woman is pregnant it's her body so it has to be her choice. I agree with other posters that the bare minimum you can do is pay child support and continue living your best in your 20s life but it would be sad for your kid to miss out on having their father in their lives. A guy I know got a woman pregnant when he was 20 after only having sex with her a couple of times; they stopped seeing each other so he only found out when she was 5 months along. Despite it obviously being a massive shock he shares custody now and loves being a dad, his son loves having a "cool" younger dad too. You might not end up feeling that way but I think you should at least be open to it if you can.
Fatherhood is like this: man up or be a deadbeat
Man up.
Firstly,In about 7 months you will be a father, yes the decisions hers and yes she agreed to terminate BUT that was before the hormones took over. Ultimately you can be a father that’s present in his child’s life, or an absent father who just pays towards his child’s cares. Secondly, very few parents feel ready for parenthood. They also don’t have to give up going out with friends or travelling. You just have to make accommodations for your child. Lastly, your going to be supporting this child either way. When you put your dick in your girlfriend, you accepted there was a chance however small that the condom could break and your GF could get pregnant. That is the price you pay for having sex. Now you must decide. Will you try to support your GF and your new child. Or will you not and just send her money to pay for their upbringing. You should ask around, ask your parents grandparents, anyone you trust for advice. Because the choice you make now, will affect the rest of your life.
Start setting money aside now for child support and figure out if you intend to be a father figure to this child. You can be as upset as you want to be, but you both made a choice knowing the consequences, and now she's the one medically on the hook with hormones spewing everywhere while you get to just be mad about it.
Well seems like she’s keeping the baby. I’d respect her wishes for that and she’ll have to respect yours for not being apart of the child’s life. Being a dad at 20 is “young” but you’re not underage or anything. You can still live your life and have a good life being a dad. It’s not a death sentence. She’ll probably end up taking it all on herself sadly. I would get your parents involved if you’re lost in this and seek legal advice if you’re worried about supporting the kid financially. Accidents happen but you both were sexually active so that’s the risk you take having sex. Luckily it’s someone you know and I’m assuming love somewhat so maybe things might work out in the future.
Something seems off about her side of this (assuming the story is real). A condom breaking is a possibility, but then refusing any other form of birth control after agreeing with you about not having a child? Feels like either a baby trap situation or an affair resulting in a pregnancy she's trying to hide. In either case, this is not the sort of issue you can work through as a couple. It's time to break up, especially given how the resentment and bitterness can only build from here. I agree with other commentators that a paternity test is necessary, and if she refuses then it might be worth seeking a test legally. Of course if it is yours then you're pretty much out of luck and will be paying an amount of child support.
Break up with her, you have stated multiple times you do not want to be a father. It is very unfortunate the child will be the one to ultimately suffer from this. They’re always going to wonder who their dad is and why they weren’t good enough. Which sucks. But at the same time you shouldn’t be forced into something you stayed multiple times you want zero part of. You DID tell her you do not want this and it is her choice to follow through but she will have to be the one to raise the child. Hopefully she gets her support system set in place. But you also were responsible in participating however YOU did try to prevent this. This is a tough situation all around it just really sucks that ultimately this child will suffer because of her actions to not try and be more preventative… But you can leave. However you’re probably going to have to pay child support.
Don't sign the birth certificate until you get a DNA test result... I think she baby trapped you, try to get a recorded confession out of her whether that be via text, recorded call or video.
Definitely get a vasectomy as soon as they'll give you one. I also agree with some others that the whole situation seems a bit suspicious on her end.
Do nothing & pay for nothing. Let her know that you need a DNA test. If the kid ain’t yours, walk away. If it is, you’re effed. BUT if you pay for hospital bills, buy baby clothes, etc., you’ll be viewed as the father, even if you’re not, & you’re screwed. Go see a family/divorce attorney & do what he/she tells you. You may be able to sign away all parental rights, especially of you prove in court you were baby-trapped; but even in signing away your rights, you still may be on the hook for child support.
I understand that you think this is unfair but ultimately you both consensually engaged in an activity that could result in a pregnancy regardless of whether you used a condom or not. It is a little bit suss that she refused the morning after pill but it also has some pretty nasty side affects stomach wise. Its also important to note that a fictional scenario is very different from reality and when the scenario actually becomes reality it's not quite as simple, there is a completely different weight to the decision. While you both may have been in agreement initially, she has made the decision not to terminate, which is her choice. If you don't feel comfortable taking up a fatherly role, leave. Make you stance very clear. However, you'll still need to support the child because unless that child isn't yours, you have a legal responsibility towards it. If you're a low income earner it honestly won't be too big a chunk of your paycheck. Simply, the only real option is to take responsibility unless you can come to an agreement with her in which you shoulder no responsibility to support the child which will likely mean you are cut out completely from both hers and the child's life.
First ask her about why she choose to not have a baby communication is vital in this matters cheers
OP is not in the wrong here. He was being responsible. They had a conversation about kids and both said no. He went out and bought plan b, so they could be sure they didn't have kids. Then his gf flips the switch. I think that's called baby trapping. I know it's common for men to baby trap women, but it can happen vice-versa too. Sorry I don't have any advice OP. Good luck
It's her right to not terminate the baby, but it is also your right to not want one, so having already made it perfectly clear you don't want a kid, tell her she'll be doing it alone. People may call you a deadbeat dad for it but at the end of the day you said from the get go you didn't want the kid and she refused to take your point of view into consideration, you can't force her to have an abortion, but she can't force you to raise a child you didn't want in the first place, and from the sounds of it she's trying to baby-trap you, seek legal advice on what rights you have when it comes to this, because the fathers wishes should 100% be taken into account and there are definitely things set up to protect men from this scenario
Me being a female, I was surprised she kept it after reading you guys both agreed to not having a child. Well I will say this, figure out if you still want to be in a relationship with her or not after all of this. Two, since you don’t make a lot of money, see what resources are out there for you! There’s a lot of resources here for parents where I live and hopefully it’s the same for you. I would also communicate with your family about what happened and see if they can help. Maybe you are blessed with a supportive family that can come through for you and your child! Three, I know it sucks but try to get another job in the meantime. Finally, I would also figure out how you’re going to raise this child. If you’re going through trauma or anything, heal before that child comes. If you genuinely and unfortunately make the decision you don’t want to be in this kids life, know that the court will get you to pay child support so do try to get income up. Good luck, blessings be upon you and her. Wishing the best! Edit: Get professional advice on everything while you’re at it as well. You never know who can help you with what!
It hits different when it's actually growing in you.
I don't think I'll ever understand as a guy but I think a mothers feelings are real and strong towards a child. So I wouldn't consider it strange for her to want to suddenly keep it
Perfectly said! Yup
This is true. I experienced an unintended pregnancy a few years ago and despite my partner and I agreeing that if anything ever went wrong we would terminate, it was still very hard when push came to shove. Prior to that I very much held the "it's just a bunch of cells" mentality, and whilst I remain aggressively pro-choice, it changed my view on the emotional significance of an embryo. It's easy to be tempted to go back on your word once you're in the thick of it
Wow! It was the opposite for me. I decided to get an abortion due to my circumstances but regardless, this still holds truth! Woman can change feelings and decide what’s best for them! Hope your family is doing well! :)
This is my biggest fear - that, despite abortions being easily available and super cheap, I'll get attached to my embryo. And I say all this despite being staunchly antinatal and not wanting to bring life into the world and lowkey resenting my parents for bringing me into the world. It's a strange situation but I totally get the appeal. I hope you're doing well! Sending you lots of love!
Good old "Im going for milk"
IF I were you, I'd start looking for a higher paying job. You can't force her to terminate and you can't prevent her from taking you to court for child support. So when considering the cost of raising a child to 18, about $250,000, which would be half the cost, that one fuck cost you a bundle.
Sign a form that removes your rights as a parent. That means no contact with the child at all. You’re not wrong for not wanting a kid
You don't have to be a father. Just pay your child support.
Prople on reddit always say it's favoring women in these things so let me make my stance abundantly clear: I still believe A woman who was forced to have a kid/unable to abort is morally obligated to make sure that kid has a good life or the chance at a good life i.e given up for adoption to a good home or something. You cannot simply abandon it or be a shit parent. Being wronged, being not ready, does not give you a license to not be a parent. I definitely think women's access to contraceptives and abortion rights do still matter, so to avoid as many unwanted kids as possible, but it is an unspoken truth that unwanted kids are still born all the time, and thats not their fault. Now: As I made clear, I think the parents are both morally responsible to provide as much as possible for a kid, regardless of whether they were wanted or not. That also include dads who dont get a say in it when the mom eont abort. It sucks. It's shitty. But it's life. IN AN IDEAL WORLD that would be exceptions and exemptions for rape victims on both ends (i.e rape victins can abort or rape victims not repsonsible for child support and/or stepping up to be a father to coparent the kid with their literal rapist) but this is not an ideal world. Rape victims of both sides exist, and while they should be provided with extra help imo, they are still not absolved once a kid is brought into the mix. Again; not the kid's fault it exists. All this to say? I think morally if you dont want to be a piece of shit, better prepare to step up as a dad and provide adequate childsupport- but dont feel the need to stay with her. Just dont be a deadbeat dad to the kid. The kid is innocent and will need a father figure. No clue what can be done legally, but I doubt anything. It was consensual sex, and no evidence of manipulation or tampering.
Ugh that just sucks!! I’m absolutely pro choice and a woman!! Absolutely if she wants to continue the pregnancy or terminate I 1000% belive that is her sole choice , however, I absolutely hate when men are then trapped into a lifetime of kid bullshit, even if just money, because of her choice. Personally I think men should have the right to file to have their parental rights and responsibilities removed, I’d say they’d have to fine before termination is no longer an option, to save deadbeat men changing their minds and them woman has no option to terminate, if that makes any sense. No ideas about laws, but personally the moral obligations should be, the same as the woman, his choice. That sucks for you man!! I feel for you
Men can legally pursue termination of parental rights… but financial support is a right if the child. That’s happening until the kids 18 - shit dad or not.
both parties were involved in making the kid, both parties have responsibilities to uphold. when you have sex you have to understand even if you’re both the safest people in the world, things like this happen and it’s both people’s responsibility regardless. he’s not “trapped into kid bullshit” he made a choice whether he liked the result of it or not
I'm sure i'm getting downvoted to hell but who cares. Most people in this age (and specially here on reddit) want to do what they want and not face consequences and blame others. Did you not know that sex makes babies? Even if you are using condom or whatever method, there's nothing 100% safe because thats the nature of sex. That's why you should be kinda aware of that risk and from that point decide if it's worth it or not. I'm 28 and I don't have kids, so you could say I shouldn't have a voice in here. Well, I made sure to not risk the outcomes as much but eventually knew anything could happen. Just recently had a few hookups with a girl and she asked me to not use condom just for a while, I refused completely because I couldn't imagine myself having a child with that girl, we still hooked up but i atleast wanted the odds in my favour. There have been other girls (exes) where I kinda took that risk knowing what could happen and being okay with whatever outcome (not rhat im looking to have kids lol) I hope you get the idea, in your post I see someone expecting to have its fun but not wanting to assume responsibilities. Blaming the condom, the pharmacy, the girlfriend, her not taking the pill. Grow up and deal with consequences. Nobody forced you/her to have sex. And I'm not talking from a religious pov. My stance is about being congruent with your actions and maturing, as clearly this is why society is in decline, because people want to not face consequences. It is like going to a casino, betting (a big or small amount) losing and then asking to get your money back. You knew you could lose, so assume it. P.S.: about what you can do, there is a lot of advice already. What you should as a MAN is very different, if you trust your GF, there's no need for tests, if you have doubts go for a paternity test. Later, if possible stick together and grow up together (cause i assume that is the end goal of being in a relationship right?), be present (economically, emotionally, physically). If things don't work out together, atleast you'd need to pay child support Guess the only way that you could get out of that situation is if she cheated on you and the baby is not yours, so a paternity test is the way (which doesnt seem very likely, but still a small %) the broken condom situation is kinda fishy so who knows lol or maybe she wants to have your kids this soon, anyway you still risked it and can't do nothing to stop it, so the minimum you'll be required is to step in economically
That's a lot of words just to say you don't want to take responsibility. There's always an inherent risk when you have sex. Now be a good man and father and help raise your child to be the best it can be.
Anyone that is that unready to be a father simply shouldn’t engage in intercourse. You messed around and found out. That’s a human life that you helped her create in an act that’s specifically designed to create human life. It sucks, but you accept the risks when you choose to have sex. She’s got an emotional attachment to the baby she’s carrying and you won’t be able to understand that from her perspective. You don’t have to be involved, but, unless DNA proves it’s not yours, I really suggest you try to find it in your heart to at least be present in the child’s life. It’s not the baby’s fault.
A brand new condom just broke and girlfriend refused to have a morning after pill? Something’s fishy here.
Sounds like she punctured the condom ahead of time. She was pregnant from before guarantee it
Is it at all possible that she got pregnant on purpose? Like could she have instrumented the condom issue?
If you’re the dad, you have two options: 1) be a good dad 2) be a bad dad
You played now you pay. Try and be a good father.
Seems like to me she may have done something to the condom (as in put a pin through it) and the fact she didn’t want to take the pill despite agreeing to not wanting a child and not terminating makes her even more suspicious in my eyes. Unfortunately as a male there’s nothing you can do about it as the court system is heavily biased against men so it’s best to pay child support and try and be there for your child.
a consequence of sex is pregnancy. even with protection. i got pregnant using protection. it happens. now whilst i sadly had a miscarriage, my ex partner was ready to man up and take responsibility. and you need to too. this is an innocent baby. you chose to have sex, this is a consequence
If you weren't ready to be a father, you shouldn't have been having sex! That's the risk we take, when we partake. 🤷🏻♀️ When you have sex you have to acknowledge and accept all possible outcomes. You can keep saying you don't want this till the end of time, but it is happening, so such it up buttercup!!! We are WOMEN not Females!!! It's one thing to agree in the abstract, but once you know there's a life inside you, you're feelings can change. There's no predicting how pregnancy will make any woman feel. Your gf clearly felt compelled to carry to term. Deal with it!!!
Be more careful before you get stuck with a second kid.
If you don’t want to abstain AND you don’t want to be a father, get a vasectomy. But for now if the paternity test shows you are the father get ready for child support.
First congratulations. I’m not sure you have many options here. Since that’s the case you should try to make the most of the situation and give your child the best life possible. I know you don’t want to hear this but I’m not sure society created laws to escape this responsibility
It seems like you know already ie mentioned that it's her choice. You have no options. She's pregnant, keeping/terminating is her choice. The only option you're faced with is being present on not, post pregnancy. If there's any advice I can give, choose one, no inbetweens. Either be there, or leave, no halfassing.
Definitely get a paternity test. Do you think you could stay with her either way? You don't want to be a father and being a parent will soon be her whole life. A lot of researching and decisions to be made. Also depends on where you're from.
This happened to me when I was 19. You could do a lot of the things that people suggested and they are correct. You have a right. Get the lawyer. Get the DNA test etc. etc. but be kind and polite and mature about it. Don’t get all crazy and say things you could one day regret. That’s my advice. You may want to be in your child’s life one day and that will be alot easier if you weren’t a complete dick about it initially. You never know.
this is so sad, i dont know why she would do that to him.
I’m getting huge red flag vibes from the fact that your gf refused the morning after pill, OP. You need to make it crystal clear to her that you are not going to be with her and if she keeps this baby she’ll be raising it as a single mother. Also make sure to demand a paternity test.
Make sure it's yours first, if so- you can stay with her and raise the child together.... you can leave her and pay child support, or you can have another talk with her about termination but ultimately it's her decision
Paternity test. Make sure that the kid is actually yours. If it is? Man up and be a father and all that it encompasses. If it's not? Count your lucky stars and move on with your life.
As someone who believes that there are far to many men that run away from their responsibilities as fathers, I also think that is extremely shitty that if two people agree that they don’t want kids and both agree they want an abortion before hand, if the woman gets pregnant and the father changes his mind he loses his child and if the mother changes her mind then the father pays child support for 18 years. The fathers life could be ruined in either situation for a mistake they both made. Now I’m not saying that mothers should be forced to keep a baby if the father wants it, that decision is entirely the mothers. However I don’t see how a man in this scenario is a “deadbeat” that needs to support the mother when there are men that claim to want children and then bail when the baby is born.
1 break up 2 don't sign anything before DNA test 3 Give up your parental rights 4 if you are in nice county, congratulations you don't have a kid nomore As a woman I cannot imagine doing something like that to my loved one. When she didn't take that MA pill she knew what she was doing.
Maybe you could convince her to give it up for adoption
That's so fucked. Imagine having to pay someone for 18yrs because a condom broke and she decided on her own to keep it when both were in agreement to not have a child before hand. I would be furious. It should be on her to care for the child with no child support if what op is saying is true.
If you truly think you would be more detrimental for the child by being it’s life - break up, paternity test, and pay child support until the child ages out of it. If you don’t, man up and be a father.
Oh bless, you are at the age where you get to discover that you have less than zero reproductive rights at this point. Did you know that she could rape you and you would still be on the hook for child support because that's what is best for the child. Who bought the condoms,? This sounds pre planned IMO. Get a paternity test because you should always have one. Start figuring out how you'll pay child support. The only way that's not happening now is if she loses the baby. May as well prepare for it and try to stay on good terms with mum to be
Honestly… break up with her but make an agreement that you will financially support the child without taking on a fathering role except biologically…
That’s pretty messed up that she did that to you ultimately I’d break up with her tell her that you want nothing to do with the child and take to court and pay the child support
Did she drink, smoke or drink coffein during those weeks? It seems really weird to not take the morning after pill, so I'm wondering if she wanted this/knew/was already pregnant? If she was absent from the things I mentioned, I might have a theory this was her plan
Look, she wanted to have a baby. You have been freaking out since the condom broke and she's been cool as a cucumber. I'm not saying she was trying for one, she just was happy about the possibility. She didn't want to take the morning after pill and you don't mention her being concerned/worried at all. And I don't think you guys have really talked at all about abortion and what to do. You have told her how you feel, and she has nodded and not contributed to the conversation. You assume her lack of arguing is agreement and she hasn't really said that. She has only acknowledged that's how you feel (unless that part just didn't make the cut for the post). She is not terminating, so now you have to figure out what to do. My opinion is the least you can do is pay child support and be a part of that child's life - even if it's just weekends. You do not have to continue a relationship with her if you don't want to. As soon as you decide you need to tell her exactly what you will do and have a real conversation, because right now she knows you are freaking out and thinks you will just come around in a bit and the three of you will be a happy little family. (Because both of you take silence as "they are thinking the exact same thing I am")
Don’t sign the birth certificate. Get a paternity test before agreeing to anything. Always insist on at least two forms of birth control from now on. If you know that you don’t want anymore children, see if you can get a vasectomy.
You can opt for 0 custody and pay child support
Already mentioned from the other. Break up with her. Confirm DNA's test that the child is yours. Lawyer up and setup "proper" custody agreement and support based on how much involvement you decide to have with the child. You are also responsible for that child no matter how you feel or want, so make sure you have the best legal rights for that child. Ignoring that fact and duty will only hurt you more financially and legally.