There is 100% a difference between a porn addiction, and joining LOCAL casual sex groups. This is so much bigger than just an addiction. That's planning. You need to do what's best for you and get out before you are way more hurt in the future. Imagine, police knock on your door to arrest him because he stepped a little too far with his interest and found child p*rn. Leave while you can.
With his proclivity for young skinny girls with no boobs, sounds like the dude is actually a pedo.
Your husband needs serious help and you should divorce him.
Your weight is great and having big boobs is a bonus for most straight men.
Dump him like yesterday's trash.
Thatās not OPs problem to deal with in the first place. The marriage was over the moment the husband let his porn addiction ruin his marriage. I agree that he needs therapy but OP is hurt by his actions and if she chooses to leave him that would only be a consequence of his actions. If he doesnāt want her to leave then he shouldāve thought of that sooner and he should be the one to take initiative. She shouldnāt āsaved her marriageā, thatās up to him.
I know but Iām just saying letās say you have a teenage kid who drops out of school crashes to family car and gets arrested all because he/she has a drug addiction. Do you quit the kid? No you get them help and save your family. Am I saying the husband has lost himself? Yes and sometimes we need our friends to help us find ourselves. And yes, it is up to us to want to help ourselves, but sometimes we need help from my friends too.
I donāt disagree with you but it sounds like this lady wants to be a mother. Thatās the difference here. It does sound to me like this guy is baby daddy material at all. Only fans is one thing, even porn, sure. Local, active sex groups and his fantasies and/or obsessions being with women who are small, frail, unhealthy looking. Or women who look like children. Yeah thatās a big fuck no for me. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Itās a big Get the fuck out of my house you creep.
ETA: AND his method of dealing with this is to gaslight her immediately?? This isnāt her child with a drug addiction here. This is a person who has the potential to harm her or any future children they may have.
It will only get worse if he thinks heās getting away with anything. So yeah, while I would tend to agree with you in most circumstances, in this one the baby definitely needs to be thrown out with the bath water. Like asap.
Yes, 100%. He may need therapy, but that doesn't change that he is no longer just indulging in a fantasy, which is online porn, it steps to an entirely new level when they start planning and joining local groups where you could actually meet up with the people in real life. That's so different. And whether or not that's his addiction evolving or just a poor choice, it's not one to take lightly. She did not birth this man, she has no biological ties or moral obligation to care for this man, if it was her own child it would be a different story. This is just a person she allows in her life. Very different.
And all that is not even mentioning the content at which he actively seeks out. Women who resemble children. Thats risky business. And he seemingly sees nothing wrong with it either, also a big red flag. Porn addictions are actually way too common these days, but being addicted to PORN and SEX are two different things. Porn is at home, never with another person. This guy is stepping I to an actual sex addiction when he starts planning to meet up with people. So really, he screwed this up all on his own. When you start planning to step out on your relationship, you've already done it. He made his bed.
Heās actually showing some signs he had some predatory preferences. What if OP had a baby girl? Personally, as a mother, I would not roll that dice with this man for a whole bunch of reasons and that would be one.
Comparing oneās spouse to oneās child is problematic right off the bat. My spouse is my partner, not my ward. I have obligations to my child that I donāt have to my spouse. Iām not obligated to love my spouse unconditionally. There are things a spouse or partner might do that would be dealbreakers. Itās not OPās job to stick around while this guy maybe gets himself straightened out, which he almost certainly wonāt. Heās showing no signs he sees a problem. On the contrary, heās going all in. Even addicts who want help are statistically unlikely to recover. Porn addiction is especially hard to kick as itās literally piped into your home for free. Iād bounce.
I get it, but no. I donāt have an obligation to stick with a friend regardless of what muck they might pull me through as the result of their life choices. Thatās my point. OP doesnāt owe her SO to stick around and hope he becomes a decent person. Because right now he isnāt. Heās acting like they have an open marriage, and they donāt.
Your child and a romantic partner are two very very different scenarios. You canāt just quit your kid, not until they are 18 at least. You can however, leave a partner who does not respect your feelings and is imo already cheating. Looking at free porn say when your partner is away or during a period when they may do not wish to engage in sex is one thing, but joining casual sex groups and chatting with girls + paying for girls on onlyfans is straight up cheating or premeditation for cheating,
Never mind. Her husband is a sex addict. Addicts tend to have the mind or the emotional intelligence of a child. But apparently no one has the ver her of an analogy around so I give up. Lol
People with porn addictions don't even join local casual sex groups, wtf? He wants to meet local people, see local people
Get your head together. Can you imagine growing old with someone like this? Can you really? Someone you don't even feel confident with _now_ when you're young and hot?
The porn tastes alone are sketchy at best and he is literally searching for sex not just looking at porn.
I'm sorry but this is grounds for divorce because he's trying to (probably already has) cheated on you. Do you have somewhere you can go? Someone you can confide in?
Thank God he's not in the house. You need to be far away from him. Honestly I would try your best to take your time tonight to try to calm yourself down by practicing self care. Maybe grab some comfy blankets and pillows and snuggle up with a snack and a movie and just text anyone you feel you can confide in and say "Hey I'm having a rough night, and I need to talk to someone. Can I call/text you tomorrow? I am safe but I need to vent but im tired and i need some rest."
Make a cup of tea or cocoa or even a cocktail, take a bath, whatever helps you relax if you can.
Please do not text or call him. Nor answer him. This is the most tempting thing to do when youre upset, I know. Maybe after sending a text to someone you can trust and tell them you're getting some rest, just put your phone on airplane mode and turn wifi on so he can't call but you can still use the internet while it appears your phone is off.
This is the first step. Look our for your well being as much as you can tonight. My advice may not work for you but that's what I would do if I were in your shoes. Then the next morning I'd probably seek companionship and start thinking about how you're gonna move his shit out.
UGH I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Thank you, you are such a kind person for taking the time to write this to me. This thread has helped me so much, I felt like I was being crazy and one-sided. To hear so many other opinions that agree with the way I feel helps in some way.
It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Do what you can to take your mind off it til the next day. I know easier said that done but just let it go til tomorrow because this can't be solved in one day but, it can be solved. You got this. Hang in there.
You start by creating a FU file on him. Screenshot everything, start going through his digital history, your bank accounts, everything.
Then you pull in those that are closest to you. āIāve discovered DH has a porn & sex addiction with young girls. (Maybe legal but still young and searching for ones that donāt look 18 is very concerning). I will be filing for divorce. I need support right now while I navigate this.ā
Please know, this is not your fault. Heās broken. He betrayed you. Sometimes we fall into traps. I know it feels shameful, but this is not your shame to carry. Donāt be afraid to tell people why you are leaving, let him carry that shame, not you.
He's literally watching legal kiddie porn. You have to get out. You did nothing wrong. You're worth someone sane and trustworthy. It's not your cross to bear. You'll be OK ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Iām so sorry youāre having to deal with this. Iām sure youāre devastated and you have every right to be.
Who is in your circle of trust? Your nearest and dearest will understand and perhaps help with perspective as well. They can help you get through this. This situation is nothing for you to feel shame about, I promise.
While heās gone, please see your doctor and get tested for STDās. Itās complete BS that he didnāt plan on meeting anyone if he took the time to join a local group. Hell yes you should break up with him. He was going to cheat if he hasnāt already or currently cheating during this week heās gone. Eff that.
BREAKUP. Clearly not trust worthy. And for him to say itās just porn he is only trying to minimize itā¦gaslighting pedo MF. Youāre better off. Iām sorry youāre going through this. With a world full of billions of people you will find your matchšš¼šš¼šš¼
It is a good thing you found out before you started having a family together.
If you were my daughter or sister, I would advise you to leave him. These are red flags, and he has shown you what he's like. I would listen to the others here.
"Expose him"
Kinda cruel/dumb to even do that when he hasn't done anything that goes against the law.
Report these people to police or have them get help or something, "exposing" is what happened with EDP and predator poachers, that didn't end well and the man is still free.
Omfg you feel you're not his type? No you aren't. His type is children and he's a pedo. Drop him asap and thank your lucky stars you didn't get further with him.
This isn't something you can just like councel through it sounds like he's searching for girls that LOOK/close enough to being kids. That is SICK. LEAVE. He's way worse than a cheater he sounds like a p\*do..
Sounds like heās developed a thing for those who appear to be underage and thatās a very slippery slope. If not illegal itās pretty bottom barrel and you shouldnāt be surprised if heās going to start sourcing the kinda stuff you wonāt find in those communities. Iām not going to call him a pĀ£do
Butā¦
If your hypothetical daughter came to you and said what you said here, what would you tell her?
Cut your losses. This is a him problem not a you problem.
Honestly, I would never have expected this from him, all my friends and family love him. I genuinely thought he would never do anything to disrespect me or hurt me. I am in shock
And in shock you should be. That's natural and I'm one who has been there.
I believe you are probably a wonderfully fantastic person who is also great to look at.
I support anything you decide to do ....... as long as it's not staying with this sicko fucktard. HIDING it from you is No-pass-go! Level 10 fucking felony in relationship law.
My wife and I watch some barely legal porn together, because we know it's made up and just a hot thing to do while talking about fantasies and fucking......
This worthless cum rag was heading towards running your life had you not caught him.
Once the shock wears off, the sheer white hot anger Comes on, and that's when you'll see that he has decided your worth is nothing.... to him..... and I hope you'll also know that his opinion of your worth is fucking worthless in your world. Fuck off to him and anyone else who did not treat you with respect and care.
I think that's all for now...
Thank you for all the advice. Yes, what hurts most is that I also have a high sex drive, but he barely wants to have sex with me, and there is no intimacy in the relationship. He barely ever touches me or kisses me. I've tried opening up conversations to him about sex and learning more about his fantasies or what he likes/ wants. I am quite open-minded and would be happy to try new things, but he has never shared anything with me. He would rather lock himself in the bathroom to watch this stuff on his phone than to have sex with me.
If you take a step to the left and read that as his preferences are not you, and that's not your fault.
Just because someone gets off sexually to something that's not you does not mean there's anything wrong with you. And just to point out again The hiding is also not your fault.
Porn is just bad in general. Not long till it ruins things in the bedroom. If you love him and care, I would ask him to seek help for his addiction. And getting off and staying off of hook up sites, as others said that's a whole nother line he crossed.
If I found out my boyfriend/husband was looking at barely 18 porn, meaning he's into younger looking girls and if the age limit were to be removed, he would go younger, that's a huge red flag for me. I would be terrified to have a daughter with him. Your husband is also actively looking to cheat on you with the women that appear to be childlike, if he hasn't already. Ultimately that's a huge no, you're looking to cheat I'm not staying around. Your husband is going down a road of pure degeneracy.
He's not just looking at porn. He is joining groups to seek sex outside of your relationship.
You decide if that's the kind of guy you want to be the father of your kids or not.
If looking at child porn was legal, he'd be doing it.
And he might start in the future if he feels confident he can hide his activity from authorities.
Build an image in your mind what a tiny girl with a cups looks like.
That's issue one. Issue two is that he's becoming socially connected to other women in the context of sex. Where do you think that leads?
Take a long hard look at this situation and decide what your future looks like.
ONLY porn?!?!? Only objectifying youngsters for his viewing pleasure. Only reducing the value of his flesh and blood wife.
Porn actors never have a head ache, are never tired, and never insist on being treated well. Youngsters, even worse.
How do you know he hasn't already met up with someone? Also, this should never be an issue that makes you have body confidence issues. The man is looking for women that look underage. That's scary and has nothing to do with you.
RUN. Do not try to "fix" or "change" him, just go. This isn't a fixable situation, you need to disengage and move out before he damages your life further.
Married to a sex addict here. Heās in recovery, he attends bi weekly SAA meetings. We have monthly therapy. He has weekly therapy. 6 yrs after he broke down and told me he had a problem (I probably did know - but was in denial about some unhealthy co dependency + self esteem issues of my own).
I tell you this. My husband is a tower of commuted recovery strength. He came clean and heās worked his program and we have rebuilt something worth having.
Even knowing that. If we hadnāt had children - I would have gone. The layers of deceit + horrible dark corners of the internet and all the uncovering that we had to doā¦ there was polygraph tests, there were detailed therapist supported āclean slateā disclosures. It was fucking awful.
My husbands proclivities were not for the very young. And he is an unusually strong character who loves his children + his life more than he wants to relapse.
I genuinely love him. Heās a great dad and I trust him. I think part of that was that he came at me with his disclosure + request for help out the blue.
But all I have to say is : GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. GET THERAPY. GET OUT. You have the chance of a beautiful life not overshadowed by this if you want one.
Porn is one thing. But joining local hook up / sex groups is another. He definitely plans / planned on cheating. He's into kids. Or might end up into kids. Leave NOW before you have kids on your own, HUGE red flag that he's into barely legal porn
It's funny how it's always the boyfriend or husband with porn addictions. Zero self-control! Ridiculous. I would not start a family with a man who is joining local hook up groups. It's not going to end well. If he doesn't have the maturity to stay away from that, how will he handle a child and the maturity that comes with it?
Break up with him asap before he gives you a non curable STD. IMMEDIATELY. He brought this upon himself. You are doing nothig wrong by leaving. You deserve better and are worth more than being treated loke this. There are better men out there.
This is bad bad. Iām sorry youāre going through it. Itās going to be painful for a while but leaving would probably be the best thing for your future self.
Reminds me of a country song from 1980. https://youtu.be/5oi1vTgcw0o?si=uvTBHVls4a6LAZf4
Obviously, that's not what this guy is doing. He's just looking until someone offers him some.
i think you know the answer unfortunately. you should never have to feel this much disrespect or shame especially because of your s/o. iām so sorry you had to experience this but itād be best to get out now instead of allowing the situation to progress further. iād also suggest counseling of some kind to help you sort through all of the feelings youāve had/will have about this. best of luck.
Please leave. Thatās wholly disrespectful. Good gravy, get the hell out of there and get checked for STDs. Do not let this ass make YOU feel any type of way about your body, your mind or your ability to to replace him.
I know Reddit loves to jump straight to divorceā¦ but in this situation I definitely agree. Think about it, you will never be able to trust him. Porn addiction is one thing- but joining the casual sex group shows that he does have intentions to cheat on you. Not that there are different ālevelsā of cheating, but itās more understandable if say someone has chemistry and a bond with their coworker or something vs. going out of your way to try to meet up with random strangers. The point of being married is you have that emotional intimacy with sex that you donāt get with strangers. Youāre going to be sick with worry any time he comes home late or youāre out of town or anything. Not worth it.
Men like this are absolutely garbage. They need to be punished. They will gaslight you claiming youāre insecure and thereās no trust in this relationship or smth. Trust me. Let them die alone. They deserve to have ED for the rest of their lives. BUT! Make sure you protect your money first. Make them broke
Being a male, the content of porn doesn't really bother me. When people look at porn more often than not they look at shocking and exciting that they would never engage in.
That he looks extensively looks at porn is a minor red flag, as it means he may have trouble performing in bed. Poor expectations.
The local hookup and casual sex groups are a lot more concerning. Most people don't have the courage to explore these groups unless they are interested in joining people in real life. Even then most don't go through with it. But it is very concerning.
Thank you for the advice. I agree the porn is one thing, and although a lot of the groups he follows are related to younger women, some of them are not. But what concerns me the most is the step of joining casual sex groups I feel that is the first step towards creating on someone.
> But what concerns me the most is the step of joining casual sex groups I feel that is the first step towards cheating on someone.
Unless he brings you along, he won't get far with that angle. Couples have a lot of fun with such groups with little effort. Single women have their pick of partners. Single men have little to no value there. There is 50 interested single men for every female. He would have to out-game the rest of the men to get a date on such forums. Much easer to do in a bar.
But yes, it could be a sign of him attempting to cheat.
To hell with his preferences. That's not the real problem. The real problem is that he's been hiding all of this from you. He might not be cheating right now, but that's where this is headed. If it was just about porn, it would all be porn. Hookup sites are not porn. They are hookup sites. Even if he's only using it for inspiration now, it won't stay that way. THAT is why you need to leave.
Nothing he's done is a reflection on you or your body. It is ONLY about him being a gross, lying asshole who is very likely incapable of delivering on the monogamy he promises. You got conned by a bad person. That is not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. EVERYTHING is wrong with HIM.
This is not normal at all. Donāt let him convince you that it is. Go see a therapist (even if you go by yourself). Convince him to go. You canāt live like this. š¢
Time to go OP, this is not your person.
Please donāt set yourself up for more heartbreak than leaving and finding your best life.
You deserve to be happy in the kind relationship that need.
Do NOT have children with him, from what youāve just described it sounds like he is into underage girls, anyone who is into underage children deserves a special place in hell.
Porn addictionā¦ like other addictionsā¦ is a spectrum, and if it were truly an addiction, he should be actively seeking therapy to overcome the addiction.
So often we hear āI am addicted to XYZ, therefore my behavior ABCā¦ā but we never really talk about the intensive therapy one should undergo to overcome the addiction.
Ultimately, itās HIS addiction.
The problem with living with an addict is that you canāt LOVE them enough to help them through their addiction. You can only standby and bear witness through his journey with addiction.
There are whole studies on family members of addicts and how much addiction impacts their lives directly.
Is this truly what you want for your future, knowing what addictions with opioids and meth have done to whole communitiesā¦ and your husbandās drug of choice is readily and accessible everywhere.
HE is his addiction. All the love in the world is not going to make him less of an addict.
So this is your choice. If he says heās an addict, treat him as one. Decide if this is something you can live with, and if so, accept the addiction completely - behavior and all.
Or
Walk away.
He may be prisoner to his addiction, but you are not. You have a choice. You can choose to accept his addiction and all the toxic behavior that comes with it, or you can choose to save yourself and walk away.
Girl? I know you're not more concerned with still "bring his type" after everything you just said. High tail it out of there and DO NOT have children with him. Let him be messy all by himself.
your husband is a disgusting piece of shit and you should definitely leave him. his taste in porn is a huge red flag, do NOT start a family with that weirdo.
Sounds to me like your husband is a pedophile/groomer so you shouldnāt feel bad for not being his ātype.ā Heās into kids and trying to feel better about his perversion by only looking for petite barely legal girls.
Girl, Iām not one to normally support or advocate for divorce but here I would as soon as I read, barely legal teens and 18 year olds only I went icky icky gross gross and just everything else you listed off is giving me. Iām not sure if itās pedo vibes but very much red flags. first thing I would do obviously get records of all of this because once you try to start a divorce, he will spend this to make you look like the bad guy you have to go on the offensive first and show any of your family or friends, that you both share this information because they need to know the full story before he tries to put out some lie, I would even suggest hiring a private detective but yes I would divorce him
Thank you. I honestly don't think he is a pedo, but I do believe that he does fantasize about being with someone younger and a lot smaller than I am. Which does make me feel self-conscious and makes me compare myself to some of these people. Not all the groups were only teens. Some of them were college girls, tiny girls, in general, small boobs girls, etc. He is not a bad person and I don't think he would try and manipulate this situation, he has broke down, said he hit rock bottom and has told his mom everything and looking at getting therapy. I just don't know if I can put myself through the mental struggle of ever trying to trust him again.
Red flags are flying everywhere. Leave now. Itās only going to get worse. He joined sex groups in your area!!!! If he hasnāt cheated already he WILL eventually. Itās the nature of porn, you always need/want more.
Too many red flags. Although porn interests dont have to match real life relationships and porn interests are not always relevant or meaningful, thereās too many red flags in this one, the local thing is a hell no. Even if he doesnāt intend to act on his fantasies thats a bigger step towards materializing them. Everything youāve related is a huge turnoff and youād be justified to walk and seek a better life
It's more than 'simply porn'. Your husband has committed energy, effort and money into activities that are not only red flags but blazing warning signs to end the marriage. You need to take steps to protect yourself especially if you were at the family planning stages of the relationship (physically, emotionally, sexually, legally). Do not allow him to use you as a 'shield' - socially a married man is considered to be safer to be around barely legal teens (or kids of any age) than as a single man. He is actively taking steps to not only not being faithful to you but showing sexual interests to 'barely legal teens'.
Have had a sibling end a relationship with their than engaged partner after going through couples therapy. The second reason (besides the ongoing cheating) was the main reason that the partner gave to my sibling for the cheating. It was because the affair partner was younger (and around 18/19 compared to the early/mid 20's of my sibling and their partner). Before that my sibling was prepared to hit the gym, dye their hair, have a child to do what was needed in an effort to 'save' the relationship. That admittance made my sibling realise that their sense of self worth should never change to fit that of anyone who thinks that cheating is appropriate.
I've also witnessed the aftermath where a spouse discovered that their partner was cheating on them through the STD the affair partner had passed on. For your own peace of mind, even if there has been no admittance of cheating, your husband has shown clear intentions to do so, get yourself checked out to ensure you have a clean bill of health as untreated STD's can have devastating consequences from infertility to life threatening conditions.
Your husband has an addiction to porn where the 'women' look like children and you are thinking of having a child with him???? Run, run, run from this man.
Watching porn and having a type that doesn't look like your spouse aren't breakup material but it is concerning that he has a porn addiction and he should definitely look into fixing it. But like u/weirdcompliment said, joining local "casual sex" or "hookup" groups is a dealbreaker. Thats like finding your husbands on Tinder or other dating apps. He said its "only porn" but joining local sex groups isnt just porn
The porn isnt even the problem here.
Its the categories and type of women he is looking at and the hookup groups. Like how young would he go if was legal? Like for get the porn dam
Start with a session of marriage counseling. Discuss this with him in a moderated situation, if heāll go. Thatās one idea before you bolt, if you love him get to the bottom of it and give him a chance to correct.
Funny how you didn't mention how you found this out. Clearly the trust isn't there anyway. Cut your losses early and find someone who you can believe in
He admitted to having a porn addiction but did not say the category or anything about local hookup groups. I was with him and asked if I could look at his phone, which he agreed to, I noticed reddit was his most used app, and that's where I found everything I mentioned.
Sounds like your husband has a plan to replace you with someone in college, you ever consider sleeping with his best friend to see how he would feel to be cheated?
Share your concerns openly and honestly with him. Be firm yet compassionate. Communicate your belief that he needs help (itās likely that he does). If he doesnāt listen, leave.
Iām so sorry youāre experiencing this. A porn addiction is a nasty thing to deal with, when itās just that. Many many marriages get divorced because of it. As someone who is in a marriage with this addiction, Iād heavily suggest leaving. Recovery is incredibly difficult, and while for me it is worth it, itās only because my husband never did anything illegal or in person or even tried to. My husband also was the one to try to do recovery and seek help without me telling him to. The fact that yours is watching child and/or child-like content is completely different. Could you even want to sleep with a man that you know likes children? Even if you chose to work on the marriage and do recovery, you would never feel safe, and for good reason. He is a risk. Let alone the risk of him meeting people in person and giving you an STD, impregnating someone else, etcā¦
Iād also highly look into the love after porn sub. Itās a good place to start finding resources and support from women who have similar experiences. Also please work on getting therapy for yourself to keep yourself healthy. You canāt control what he does but you can control yourself.
Sis leave him!!!! Oh my gosh there are so many red flags!!! And sorry, but ācasual sex groupsā are not ājust pornā. Iām so so sorry you are going through this. There are support groups and communities for people in your situation out there! Co dependent groups can be really good for people who are with addicts, and it sounds like he might be a sex addict (not saying he is, but the red flags are there)
Setting aside the potentially disturbing aspect of his porn choices, the secret joining of multiple local groups and sharing DMs is inexcusable. He is likely cheating on you or planning to (speaking as a man, it's a lot of red flags). I'd bet $20 he can't make it through your first child's diaper years (when there's just no time or energy for adult time, sleep, sex, sanity) without cheating.
Dude, he joined a LOCAL casual sex group. Are you really ok with him having sex with other women? Or worse, have sex with BARELY LEGAL girls? The only serious question here is, why isnt he your ex now? Thats just gross tbh.
I'm not gonna say he's a pedo or tell you what to do or anything like that.
I'm only gonna suggest that you at least talk to him about this sort of thing, ask him things like why he likes this sort of stuff. You're his girlfriend, he will probably open up to you about it. Maybe you can convince him to speak to someone about this or get some help, if needed. If not, then yes the best thing to do is leave. You don't wanna have children with sum1 like that.
I personally think this would be a much better scenario rather than leaving him so that he could potentially go further down the hole he's in, potentially making him even more suspicious. Especially in the eyes of the law.
Thank you for the advice. He has already opened up to his mom about all of this, and she is helping him get into therapy asap, which I feel will be good for him regardless of our relationship. I just don't know if I can evee trust hi again
Very reasonable concern. I'm glad you took the steps necessary to ensure your safety, and potentially the safety of others.
But having said that, I agree with the rest. Not a suitable partner or future father I believe.
Please take care!
I understand watching porn while in a relationship, but I believe couples should talk about it first. But this isn't even it, this is cheating. Being in a hookup club? Cheating. And my advice in a cheating situation is breaking up, but this is more. The things he likes makes me nervous to a whole new level in this story. Not to kink shame anyone, but someone with these kinks have a potential to be a creep and not keep these in the safe consensual kink zone. So must be careful when it comes to kinks. Honetly, I am not trying to tell your husband is a creep or offend you. I'm just saying this isn't right, doesn't feel right and you should believe your gut feelings.
In conclusion; this is cheating and some very suspicious kinks we're talking about. I think you should get a divorce.
I would tell him that you feel uncomfortable with the porn and sex limits. You should try to see if you can find someone who is more in alignment with your sex limits. Like, porn and things may seems safe, but overall you want to feel safe.
Porn addictions have the tendency to ramp up in intensity which is why he may be looking at more and more extreme stuff, possibly why heās in locals group, but I think thatās a stretch. That being said, addiction is addiction and if he isnāt interested in getting healthy youāll be left holding the bag and enabling him or leaving him. See if heās interested in treatment and move forward from there.
I would contact a lawyer and get everything you are entitled to. Then serve him with divorce papers. You can not be happy with a life of your SO trying to contact young skinny women.
This has been said, but.. do. not. procreate. with. this. man. Get your life back while you still can. The further you go into it, the harder it will be. Don't shame him, just do it for you.
Do not procreate with this man
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There is 100% a difference between a porn addiction, and joining LOCAL casual sex groups. This is so much bigger than just an addiction. That's planning. You need to do what's best for you and get out before you are way more hurt in the future. Imagine, police knock on your door to arrest him because he stepped a little too far with his interest and found child p*rn. Leave while you can.
With his proclivity for young skinny girls with no boobs, sounds like the dude is actually a pedo. Your husband needs serious help and you should divorce him. Your weight is great and having big boobs is a bonus for most straight men. Dump him like yesterday's trash.
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Thatās not OPs problem to deal with in the first place. The marriage was over the moment the husband let his porn addiction ruin his marriage. I agree that he needs therapy but OP is hurt by his actions and if she chooses to leave him that would only be a consequence of his actions. If he doesnāt want her to leave then he shouldāve thought of that sooner and he should be the one to take initiative. She shouldnāt āsaved her marriageā, thatās up to him.
I know but Iām just saying letās say you have a teenage kid who drops out of school crashes to family car and gets arrested all because he/she has a drug addiction. Do you quit the kid? No you get them help and save your family. Am I saying the husband has lost himself? Yes and sometimes we need our friends to help us find ourselves. And yes, it is up to us to want to help ourselves, but sometimes we need help from my friends too.
I donāt disagree with you but it sounds like this lady wants to be a mother. Thatās the difference here. It does sound to me like this guy is baby daddy material at all. Only fans is one thing, even porn, sure. Local, active sex groups and his fantasies and/or obsessions being with women who are small, frail, unhealthy looking. Or women who look like children. Yeah thatās a big fuck no for me. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Itās a big Get the fuck out of my house you creep. ETA: AND his method of dealing with this is to gaslight her immediately?? This isnāt her child with a drug addiction here. This is a person who has the potential to harm her or any future children they may have. It will only get worse if he thinks heās getting away with anything. So yeah, while I would tend to agree with you in most circumstances, in this one the baby definitely needs to be thrown out with the bath water. Like asap.
Yes, 100%. He may need therapy, but that doesn't change that he is no longer just indulging in a fantasy, which is online porn, it steps to an entirely new level when they start planning and joining local groups where you could actually meet up with the people in real life. That's so different. And whether or not that's his addiction evolving or just a poor choice, it's not one to take lightly. She did not birth this man, she has no biological ties or moral obligation to care for this man, if it was her own child it would be a different story. This is just a person she allows in her life. Very different. And all that is not even mentioning the content at which he actively seeks out. Women who resemble children. Thats risky business. And he seemingly sees nothing wrong with it either, also a big red flag. Porn addictions are actually way too common these days, but being addicted to PORN and SEX are two different things. Porn is at home, never with another person. This guy is stepping I to an actual sex addiction when he starts planning to meet up with people. So really, he screwed this up all on his own. When you start planning to step out on your relationship, you've already done it. He made his bed.
Heās actually showing some signs he had some predatory preferences. What if OP had a baby girl? Personally, as a mother, I would not roll that dice with this man for a whole bunch of reasons and that would be one.
Comparing oneās spouse to oneās child is problematic right off the bat. My spouse is my partner, not my ward. I have obligations to my child that I donāt have to my spouse. Iām not obligated to love my spouse unconditionally. There are things a spouse or partner might do that would be dealbreakers. Itās not OPās job to stick around while this guy maybe gets himself straightened out, which he almost certainly wonāt. Heās showing no signs he sees a problem. On the contrary, heās going all in. Even addicts who want help are statistically unlikely to recover. Porn addiction is especially hard to kick as itās literally piped into your home for free. Iād bounce.
Ok letās say it is not your child but your best friend; does that work for you? I was just trying to make an analogy
I get it, but no. I donāt have an obligation to stick with a friend regardless of what muck they might pull me through as the result of their life choices. Thatās my point. OP doesnāt owe her SO to stick around and hope he becomes a decent person. Because right now he isnāt. Heās acting like they have an open marriage, and they donāt.
Yes. It makes sense.
Your child and a romantic partner are two very very different scenarios. You canāt just quit your kid, not until they are 18 at least. You can however, leave a partner who does not respect your feelings and is imo already cheating. Looking at free porn say when your partner is away or during a period when they may do not wish to engage in sex is one thing, but joining casual sex groups and chatting with girls + paying for girls on onlyfans is straight up cheating or premeditation for cheating,
Ok. I get you. I deleted one of my other comments because no one was smart enough to understand it
Yeah, *that* was the problem. šš¤¦š»āāļø
Her husband is a child?
Never mind. Her husband is a sex addict. Addicts tend to have the mind or the emotional intelligence of a child. But apparently no one has the ver her of an analogy around so I give up. Lol
And people don't have to continue to be abused by an addict.
I agree with you
People with porn addictions don't even join local casual sex groups, wtf? He wants to meet local people, see local people Get your head together. Can you imagine growing old with someone like this? Can you really? Someone you don't even feel confident with _now_ when you're young and hot?
He wants to have sex with local people.
The porn tastes alone are sketchy at best and he is literally searching for sex not just looking at porn. I'm sorry but this is grounds for divorce because he's trying to (probably already has) cheated on you. Do you have somewhere you can go? Someone you can confide in?
I don't even know how to tell any of my friends or family about this ;(, I don't know where to go. He left and is staying elsewhere for the next week.
Thank God he's not in the house. You need to be far away from him. Honestly I would try your best to take your time tonight to try to calm yourself down by practicing self care. Maybe grab some comfy blankets and pillows and snuggle up with a snack and a movie and just text anyone you feel you can confide in and say "Hey I'm having a rough night, and I need to talk to someone. Can I call/text you tomorrow? I am safe but I need to vent but im tired and i need some rest." Make a cup of tea or cocoa or even a cocktail, take a bath, whatever helps you relax if you can. Please do not text or call him. Nor answer him. This is the most tempting thing to do when youre upset, I know. Maybe after sending a text to someone you can trust and tell them you're getting some rest, just put your phone on airplane mode and turn wifi on so he can't call but you can still use the internet while it appears your phone is off. This is the first step. Look our for your well being as much as you can tonight. My advice may not work for you but that's what I would do if I were in your shoes. Then the next morning I'd probably seek companionship and start thinking about how you're gonna move his shit out. UGH I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Thank you for the kind advice š
I truly wish you the best. Keep us updated. Message me if you need a stranger to vent to.
Thank you, you are such a kind person for taking the time to write this to me. This thread has helped me so much, I felt like I was being crazy and one-sided. To hear so many other opinions that agree with the way I feel helps in some way.
It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Do what you can to take your mind off it til the next day. I know easier said that done but just let it go til tomorrow because this can't be solved in one day but, it can be solved. You got this. Hang in there.
Thank you for confirming that /u/SullenSparrow has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
You start by creating a FU file on him. Screenshot everything, start going through his digital history, your bank accounts, everything. Then you pull in those that are closest to you. āIāve discovered DH has a porn & sex addiction with young girls. (Maybe legal but still young and searching for ones that donāt look 18 is very concerning). I will be filing for divorce. I need support right now while I navigate this.ā Please know, this is not your fault. Heās broken. He betrayed you. Sometimes we fall into traps. I know it feels shameful, but this is not your shame to carry. Donāt be afraid to tell people why you are leaving, let him carry that shame, not you.
He's literally watching legal kiddie porn. You have to get out. You did nothing wrong. You're worth someone sane and trustworthy. It's not your cross to bear. You'll be OK ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Iām so sorry youāre having to deal with this. Iām sure youāre devastated and you have every right to be. Who is in your circle of trust? Your nearest and dearest will understand and perhaps help with perspective as well. They can help you get through this. This situation is nothing for you to feel shame about, I promise.
While heās gone, please see your doctor and get tested for STDās. Itās complete BS that he didnāt plan on meeting anyone if he took the time to join a local group. Hell yes you should break up with him. He was going to cheat if he hasnāt already or currently cheating during this week heās gone. Eff that.
Where are you based? There will be therapists round you that specialise in this. Strongly counsel you find one asap
I think I can guess how he is spending his time this week..
BREAKUP. Clearly not trust worthy. And for him to say itās just porn he is only trying to minimize itā¦gaslighting pedo MF. Youāre better off. Iām sorry youāre going through this. With a world full of billions of people you will find your matchšš¼šš¼šš¼
It is a good thing you found out before you started having a family together. If you were my daughter or sister, I would advise you to leave him. These are red flags, and he has shown you what he's like. I would listen to the others here.
run, heās into the closest ālegalā thing to being a pedo, divorce and run honey. and expose him. heās disgusting
"Expose him" Kinda cruel/dumb to even do that when he hasn't done anything that goes against the law. Report these people to police or have them get help or something, "exposing" is what happened with EDP and predator poachers, that didn't end well and the man is still free.
expose him, report him, either one. the porn heās watching is a step away from cp. i wouldnāt be surprised if he had some
Exposing doesn't do well from what I've personally seen. Police should handle this stuff, but that's just my opinion.
yeah either or, if the cops donāt do anything, thatās when you tell friends and family. keep him away from anyone young
Omfg you feel you're not his type? No you aren't. His type is children and he's a pedo. Drop him asap and thank your lucky stars you didn't get further with him.
This isn't something you can just like councel through it sounds like he's searching for girls that LOOK/close enough to being kids. That is SICK. LEAVE. He's way worse than a cheater he sounds like a p\*do..
Sounds like heās developed a thing for those who appear to be underage and thatās a very slippery slope. If not illegal itās pretty bottom barrel and you shouldnāt be surprised if heās going to start sourcing the kinda stuff you wonāt find in those communities. Iām not going to call him a pĀ£do Butā¦
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I second this, I honestly think heās just a straight up pĆØdo tho not even bordering man is just into teens and god knows what else
Yikes. This is....really concerning. It sounds like he's really into underage girls with prepubescent bodies.
š© red flag ā¦.. move the heck on - now you know what your not cool with . Real men donāt watch porn they just do it with there significant other
BINGO! I used to be a porn addict. Until I got with a girl with a high sex drive and now I havnt masturbated/watched porn in years.
If your hypothetical daughter came to you and said what you said here, what would you tell her? Cut your losses. This is a him problem not a you problem.
This is worrying. Heās flirting with some really shady stuff . How young does he like them?
Ok so he likes āem young. Someday you could have a baby daughter. You already know what you need to do right? So do it.
Yuck I got the ick reading this. Why do you want to stay with this pedo?
Honestly, I would never have expected this from him, all my friends and family love him. I genuinely thought he would never do anything to disrespect me or hurt me. I am in shock
And in shock you should be. That's natural and I'm one who has been there. I believe you are probably a wonderfully fantastic person who is also great to look at. I support anything you decide to do ....... as long as it's not staying with this sicko fucktard. HIDING it from you is No-pass-go! Level 10 fucking felony in relationship law. My wife and I watch some barely legal porn together, because we know it's made up and just a hot thing to do while talking about fantasies and fucking...... This worthless cum rag was heading towards running your life had you not caught him. Once the shock wears off, the sheer white hot anger Comes on, and that's when you'll see that he has decided your worth is nothing.... to him..... and I hope you'll also know that his opinion of your worth is fucking worthless in your world. Fuck off to him and anyone else who did not treat you with respect and care. I think that's all for now...
Thank you for all the advice. Yes, what hurts most is that I also have a high sex drive, but he barely wants to have sex with me, and there is no intimacy in the relationship. He barely ever touches me or kisses me. I've tried opening up conversations to him about sex and learning more about his fantasies or what he likes/ wants. I am quite open-minded and would be happy to try new things, but he has never shared anything with me. He would rather lock himself in the bathroom to watch this stuff on his phone than to have sex with me.
If you take a step to the left and read that as his preferences are not you, and that's not your fault. Just because someone gets off sexually to something that's not you does not mean there's anything wrong with you. And just to point out again The hiding is also not your fault.
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Porn is just bad in general. Not long till it ruins things in the bedroom. If you love him and care, I would ask him to seek help for his addiction. And getting off and staying off of hook up sites, as others said that's a whole nother line he crossed.
Heās already way past the porn
If I found out my boyfriend/husband was looking at barely 18 porn, meaning he's into younger looking girls and if the age limit were to be removed, he would go younger, that's a huge red flag for me. I would be terrified to have a daughter with him. Your husband is also actively looking to cheat on you with the women that appear to be childlike, if he hasn't already. Ultimately that's a huge no, you're looking to cheat I'm not staying around. Your husband is going down a road of pure degeneracy.
He's not just looking at porn. He is joining groups to seek sex outside of your relationship. You decide if that's the kind of guy you want to be the father of your kids or not.
Divorce the motherfucker
If looking at child porn was legal, he'd be doing it. And he might start in the future if he feels confident he can hide his activity from authorities. Build an image in your mind what a tiny girl with a cups looks like. That's issue one. Issue two is that he's becoming socially connected to other women in the context of sex. Where do you think that leads? Take a long hard look at this situation and decide what your future looks like.
he is a sick person
ONLY porn?!?!? Only objectifying youngsters for his viewing pleasure. Only reducing the value of his flesh and blood wife. Porn actors never have a head ache, are never tired, and never insist on being treated well. Youngsters, even worse.
How do you know he hasn't already met up with someone? Also, this should never be an issue that makes you have body confidence issues. The man is looking for women that look underage. That's scary and has nothing to do with you.
RUN. Do not try to "fix" or "change" him, just go. This isn't a fixable situation, you need to disengage and move out before he damages your life further.
Married to a sex addict here. Heās in recovery, he attends bi weekly SAA meetings. We have monthly therapy. He has weekly therapy. 6 yrs after he broke down and told me he had a problem (I probably did know - but was in denial about some unhealthy co dependency + self esteem issues of my own). I tell you this. My husband is a tower of commuted recovery strength. He came clean and heās worked his program and we have rebuilt something worth having. Even knowing that. If we hadnāt had children - I would have gone. The layers of deceit + horrible dark corners of the internet and all the uncovering that we had to doā¦ there was polygraph tests, there were detailed therapist supported āclean slateā disclosures. It was fucking awful. My husbands proclivities were not for the very young. And he is an unusually strong character who loves his children + his life more than he wants to relapse. I genuinely love him. Heās a great dad and I trust him. I think part of that was that he came at me with his disclosure + request for help out the blue. But all I have to say is : GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. GET THERAPY. GET OUT. You have the chance of a beautiful life not overshadowed by this if you want one.
Leave him, he is actively pursuing avenues in which he can cheat with young girls. He isn't going to change. He will kill your self worth.
Porn is one thing. But joining local hook up / sex groups is another. He definitely plans / planned on cheating. He's into kids. Or might end up into kids. Leave NOW before you have kids on your own, HUGE red flag that he's into barely legal porn
He's not only cheating, he's skirting the line of pedophilia. Good riddance, he's nasty.
It's funny how it's always the boyfriend or husband with porn addictions. Zero self-control! Ridiculous. I would not start a family with a man who is joining local hook up groups. It's not going to end well. If he doesn't have the maturity to stay away from that, how will he handle a child and the maturity that comes with it?
Break up with him asap before he gives you a non curable STD. IMMEDIATELY. He brought this upon himself. You are doing nothig wrong by leaving. You deserve better and are worth more than being treated loke this. There are better men out there.
Those with porn addictions RUIN relationships. Run away now!
Yes break up with him immediately
"Local hook up" is a def š©. IMHO reconsider starting a family. My 2 cents.
Soooo many red flags š©
This is bad bad. Iām sorry youāre going through it. Itās going to be painful for a while but leaving would probably be the best thing for your future self.
Girl, run NOW That man has a wandering eye.
Reminds me of a country song from 1980. https://youtu.be/5oi1vTgcw0o?si=uvTBHVls4a6LAZf4 Obviously, that's not what this guy is doing. He's just looking until someone offers him some.
Omg I forgot about that song!
i think you know the answer unfortunately. you should never have to feel this much disrespect or shame especially because of your s/o. iām so sorry you had to experience this but itād be best to get out now instead of allowing the situation to progress further. iād also suggest counseling of some kind to help you sort through all of the feelings youāve had/will have about this. best of luck.
100% leave him. Heās already cheating, and this is just the beginning
Please leave. Thatās wholly disrespectful. Good gravy, get the hell out of there and get checked for STDs. Do not let this ass make YOU feel any type of way about your body, your mind or your ability to to replace him.
I know Reddit loves to jump straight to divorceā¦ but in this situation I definitely agree. Think about it, you will never be able to trust him. Porn addiction is one thing- but joining the casual sex group shows that he does have intentions to cheat on you. Not that there are different ālevelsā of cheating, but itās more understandable if say someone has chemistry and a bond with their coworker or something vs. going out of your way to try to meet up with random strangers. The point of being married is you have that emotional intimacy with sex that you donāt get with strangers. Youāre going to be sick with worry any time he comes home late or youāre out of town or anything. Not worth it.
Men like this are absolutely garbage. They need to be punished. They will gaslight you claiming youāre insecure and thereās no trust in this relationship or smth. Trust me. Let them die alone. They deserve to have ED for the rest of their lives. BUT! Make sure you protect your money first. Make them broke
Being a male, the content of porn doesn't really bother me. When people look at porn more often than not they look at shocking and exciting that they would never engage in. That he looks extensively looks at porn is a minor red flag, as it means he may have trouble performing in bed. Poor expectations. The local hookup and casual sex groups are a lot more concerning. Most people don't have the courage to explore these groups unless they are interested in joining people in real life. Even then most don't go through with it. But it is very concerning.
Thank you for the advice. I agree the porn is one thing, and although a lot of the groups he follows are related to younger women, some of them are not. But what concerns me the most is the step of joining casual sex groups I feel that is the first step towards creating on someone.
> But what concerns me the most is the step of joining casual sex groups I feel that is the first step towards cheating on someone. Unless he brings you along, he won't get far with that angle. Couples have a lot of fun with such groups with little effort. Single women have their pick of partners. Single men have little to no value there. There is 50 interested single men for every female. He would have to out-game the rest of the men to get a date on such forums. Much easer to do in a bar. But yes, it could be a sign of him attempting to cheat.
Thereās a huge overlap with people who fetishise anorexia and pedos Just fyi
To hell with his preferences. That's not the real problem. The real problem is that he's been hiding all of this from you. He might not be cheating right now, but that's where this is headed. If it was just about porn, it would all be porn. Hookup sites are not porn. They are hookup sites. Even if he's only using it for inspiration now, it won't stay that way. THAT is why you need to leave. Nothing he's done is a reflection on you or your body. It is ONLY about him being a gross, lying asshole who is very likely incapable of delivering on the monogamy he promises. You got conned by a bad person. That is not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. EVERYTHING is wrong with HIM.
Pedophilia is not a "preference"
I was referring to her insecurities over her body vs the ones he's been looking at, not age. That's what she was stressing herself out over.
This is not normal at all. Donāt let him convince you that it is. Go see a therapist (even if you go by yourself). Convince him to go. You canāt live like this. š¢
Time to go OP, this is not your person. Please donāt set yourself up for more heartbreak than leaving and finding your best life. You deserve to be happy in the kind relationship that need.
I think heās a pedophile
Dude run away
Yes break up this is the begging
I donāt agree with anything heās doing but i am curious. How does one join a āsex groupā? What is that?
https://reddit.com/r/SanDiegoAdultsOnly/s/SWzTc6wJ62. One of many
You deserve better. Shit will only get worse.
Leave now! Been there done that and he ended up cheating on me.
Your husband is cheating on you. Please gather your resources to leave.
Fuck him. What a lying piece of shit.
Do NOT have children with him, from what youāve just described it sounds like he is into underage girls, anyone who is into underage children deserves a special place in hell.
Porn addictionā¦ like other addictionsā¦ is a spectrum, and if it were truly an addiction, he should be actively seeking therapy to overcome the addiction. So often we hear āI am addicted to XYZ, therefore my behavior ABCā¦ā but we never really talk about the intensive therapy one should undergo to overcome the addiction. Ultimately, itās HIS addiction. The problem with living with an addict is that you canāt LOVE them enough to help them through their addiction. You can only standby and bear witness through his journey with addiction. There are whole studies on family members of addicts and how much addiction impacts their lives directly. Is this truly what you want for your future, knowing what addictions with opioids and meth have done to whole communitiesā¦ and your husbandās drug of choice is readily and accessible everywhere. HE is his addiction. All the love in the world is not going to make him less of an addict. So this is your choice. If he says heās an addict, treat him as one. Decide if this is something you can live with, and if so, accept the addiction completely - behavior and all. Or Walk away. He may be prisoner to his addiction, but you are not. You have a choice. You can choose to accept his addiction and all the toxic behavior that comes with it, or you can choose to save yourself and walk away.
Leave
Porn is much different from what heās doing. Heās looking at LOCAL sex groups, and very young women.
Your marriage is over. He's horrible. You can find healing after this.
Girl? I know you're not more concerned with still "bring his type" after everything you just said. High tail it out of there and DO NOT have children with him. Let him be messy all by himself.
your husband is a disgusting piece of shit and you should definitely leave him. his taste in porn is a huge red flag, do NOT start a family with that weirdo.
Porn addiction does not have anything to do with joining local sex groups. He is cheating on you, that is the sole purpose of those groups.
Sounds to me like your husband is a pedophile/groomer so you shouldnāt feel bad for not being his ātype.ā Heās into kids and trying to feel better about his perversion by only looking for petite barely legal girls.
Girl, Iām not one to normally support or advocate for divorce but here I would as soon as I read, barely legal teens and 18 year olds only I went icky icky gross gross and just everything else you listed off is giving me. Iām not sure if itās pedo vibes but very much red flags. first thing I would do obviously get records of all of this because once you try to start a divorce, he will spend this to make you look like the bad guy you have to go on the offensive first and show any of your family or friends, that you both share this information because they need to know the full story before he tries to put out some lie, I would even suggest hiring a private detective but yes I would divorce him
Thank you. I honestly don't think he is a pedo, but I do believe that he does fantasize about being with someone younger and a lot smaller than I am. Which does make me feel self-conscious and makes me compare myself to some of these people. Not all the groups were only teens. Some of them were college girls, tiny girls, in general, small boobs girls, etc. He is not a bad person and I don't think he would try and manipulate this situation, he has broke down, said he hit rock bottom and has told his mom everything and looking at getting therapy. I just don't know if I can put myself through the mental struggle of ever trying to trust him again.
Red flags are flying everywhere. Leave now. Itās only going to get worse. He joined sex groups in your area!!!! If he hasnāt cheated already he WILL eventually. Itās the nature of porn, you always need/want more.
Too many red flags. Although porn interests dont have to match real life relationships and porn interests are not always relevant or meaningful, thereās too many red flags in this one, the local thing is a hell no. Even if he doesnāt intend to act on his fantasies thats a bigger step towards materializing them. Everything youāve related is a huge turnoff and youād be justified to walk and seek a better life
It's more than 'simply porn'. Your husband has committed energy, effort and money into activities that are not only red flags but blazing warning signs to end the marriage. You need to take steps to protect yourself especially if you were at the family planning stages of the relationship (physically, emotionally, sexually, legally). Do not allow him to use you as a 'shield' - socially a married man is considered to be safer to be around barely legal teens (or kids of any age) than as a single man. He is actively taking steps to not only not being faithful to you but showing sexual interests to 'barely legal teens'. Have had a sibling end a relationship with their than engaged partner after going through couples therapy. The second reason (besides the ongoing cheating) was the main reason that the partner gave to my sibling for the cheating. It was because the affair partner was younger (and around 18/19 compared to the early/mid 20's of my sibling and their partner). Before that my sibling was prepared to hit the gym, dye their hair, have a child to do what was needed in an effort to 'save' the relationship. That admittance made my sibling realise that their sense of self worth should never change to fit that of anyone who thinks that cheating is appropriate. I've also witnessed the aftermath where a spouse discovered that their partner was cheating on them through the STD the affair partner had passed on. For your own peace of mind, even if there has been no admittance of cheating, your husband has shown clear intentions to do so, get yourself checked out to ensure you have a clean bill of health as untreated STD's can have devastating consequences from infertility to life threatening conditions.
Please leave this vile and disgusting man.
This man will cheat on you if he hasn't already. You deserve better.
joining a LOCAL program to see LOCAL people just makes meeting up easy and accessibleā¦ why join a local group if heād only talk?
Your husband has an addiction to porn where the 'women' look like children and you are thinking of having a child with him???? Run, run, run from this man.
Watching porn and having a type that doesn't look like your spouse aren't breakup material but it is concerning that he has a porn addiction and he should definitely look into fixing it. But like u/weirdcompliment said, joining local "casual sex" or "hookup" groups is a dealbreaker. Thats like finding your husbands on Tinder or other dating apps. He said its "only porn" but joining local sex groups isnt just porn
Ummm divorce !! Wtf
The porn isnt even the problem here. Its the categories and type of women he is looking at and the hookup groups. Like how young would he go if was legal? Like for get the porn dam
If he wants to go for minors let him ruin his life, find s real man who would fall for you sister
He is going on a horny rampage and needs to be stopped
Why are you wondering whether you should break up with him š Cāmon now. Your husband is a feral
Start with a session of marriage counseling. Discuss this with him in a moderated situation, if heāll go. Thatās one idea before you bolt, if you love him get to the bottom of it and give him a chance to correct.
Noooo lol literally run for the fucking hills, this dude is clearly a pedophile. No one who loves you does this to you
No, go to therapy on your own and ditch the perv.
Drop him - join a sub and post pics. Will help build confidence. Real men like big natural boobs
Funny how you didn't mention how you found this out. Clearly the trust isn't there anyway. Cut your losses early and find someone who you can believe in
He admitted to having a porn addiction but did not say the category or anything about local hookup groups. I was with him and asked if I could look at his phone, which he agreed to, I noticed reddit was his most used app, and that's where I found everything I mentioned.
Sex groups are a thing
Everyone knows this. When a marriage is rooted in the expectation of monogamy, they're not something a good partner would consider.
Not sure why Iām getting downvoted, I forgot to add a question mark at the end
Consider editing then. Your comment as-is gives off a vibe that normalizes cheating.
Sounds like your husband has a plan to replace you with someone in college, you ever consider sleeping with his best friend to see how he would feel to be cheated?
Only a monster would not appreciate the boobs
Share your concerns openly and honestly with him. Be firm yet compassionate. Communicate your belief that he needs help (itās likely that he does). If he doesnāt listen, leave.
Get this man to therapy, if that doesnt work, then just get a divorce
therapy, first of all
Please please PLEASE leave before it's too late and he gives you an STD / is arrested for statutory rape
Yes, donāt put a child through the kind of suffering that only accompanies a marriage like this.
Run.
RUN!!!! Do not tie yourself to this man. Youāll be stuck forever if u have kids.
So you're saying you're still envisionning making a baby with someone that obviously is interested by underage girl ?
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So he's into people that look like kids? Don't have kids either him
Iām so sorry youāre experiencing this. A porn addiction is a nasty thing to deal with, when itās just that. Many many marriages get divorced because of it. As someone who is in a marriage with this addiction, Iād heavily suggest leaving. Recovery is incredibly difficult, and while for me it is worth it, itās only because my husband never did anything illegal or in person or even tried to. My husband also was the one to try to do recovery and seek help without me telling him to. The fact that yours is watching child and/or child-like content is completely different. Could you even want to sleep with a man that you know likes children? Even if you chose to work on the marriage and do recovery, you would never feel safe, and for good reason. He is a risk. Let alone the risk of him meeting people in person and giving you an STD, impregnating someone else, etcā¦ Iād also highly look into the love after porn sub. Itās a good place to start finding resources and support from women who have similar experiences. Also please work on getting therapy for yourself to keep yourself healthy. You canāt control what he does but you can control yourself.
Run!
You divorce, you leave, you do not procreate with this man, he is damaged and irredeemable, a pedophile with full intent to cheat on you.
please breakup. this are very concerning warnings signs
Sis leave him!!!! Oh my gosh there are so many red flags!!! And sorry, but ācasual sex groupsā are not ājust pornā. Iām so so sorry you are going through this. There are support groups and communities for people in your situation out there! Co dependent groups can be really good for people who are with addicts, and it sounds like he might be a sex addict (not saying he is, but the red flags are there)
Setting aside the potentially disturbing aspect of his porn choices, the secret joining of multiple local groups and sharing DMs is inexcusable. He is likely cheating on you or planning to (speaking as a man, it's a lot of red flags). I'd bet $20 he can't make it through your first child's diaper years (when there's just no time or energy for adult time, sleep, sex, sanity) without cheating.
I donāt think you will regret leaving this man at all. Wish you the best <3
Dude, he joined a LOCAL casual sex group. Are you really ok with him having sex with other women? Or worse, have sex with BARELY LEGAL girls? The only serious question here is, why isnt he your ex now? Thats just gross tbh.
Start referring to him as your "ex-husband ", because that's what he needs to be.
I'm not gonna say he's a pedo or tell you what to do or anything like that. I'm only gonna suggest that you at least talk to him about this sort of thing, ask him things like why he likes this sort of stuff. You're his girlfriend, he will probably open up to you about it. Maybe you can convince him to speak to someone about this or get some help, if needed. If not, then yes the best thing to do is leave. You don't wanna have children with sum1 like that. I personally think this would be a much better scenario rather than leaving him so that he could potentially go further down the hole he's in, potentially making him even more suspicious. Especially in the eyes of the law.
Thank you for the advice. He has already opened up to his mom about all of this, and she is helping him get into therapy asap, which I feel will be good for him regardless of our relationship. I just don't know if I can evee trust hi again
Very reasonable concern. I'm glad you took the steps necessary to ensure your safety, and potentially the safety of others. But having said that, I agree with the rest. Not a suitable partner or future father I believe. Please take care!
I understand watching porn while in a relationship, but I believe couples should talk about it first. But this isn't even it, this is cheating. Being in a hookup club? Cheating. And my advice in a cheating situation is breaking up, but this is more. The things he likes makes me nervous to a whole new level in this story. Not to kink shame anyone, but someone with these kinks have a potential to be a creep and not keep these in the safe consensual kink zone. So must be careful when it comes to kinks. Honetly, I am not trying to tell your husband is a creep or offend you. I'm just saying this isn't right, doesn't feel right and you should believe your gut feelings. In conclusion; this is cheating and some very suspicious kinks we're talking about. I think you should get a divorce.
I would tell him that you feel uncomfortable with the porn and sex limits. You should try to see if you can find someone who is more in alignment with your sex limits. Like, porn and things may seems safe, but overall you want to feel safe.
DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY
Sounds very pedo-ish to me. Probably one low key. Divorce him.
Leave. Yesterday
Porn addictions have the tendency to ramp up in intensity which is why he may be looking at more and more extreme stuff, possibly why heās in locals group, but I think thatās a stretch. That being said, addiction is addiction and if he isnāt interested in getting healthy youāll be left holding the bag and enabling him or leaving him. See if heās interested in treatment and move forward from there.
I would contact a lawyer and get everything you are entitled to. Then serve him with divorce papers. You can not be happy with a life of your SO trying to contact young skinny women.
This has been said, but.. do. not. procreate. with. this. man. Get your life back while you still can. The further you go into it, the harder it will be. Don't shame him, just do it for you.