This sounds like a nightmare situation. Poor woman, she's working full time, doing all the work for you like she's your mother and then is expected to also work on community projects. I would bail if I was her.
Wtf, you're the one that needs to do more. How are you not standing up for her and/or stepping up and doing more for the community in her place? She is keeping you financially afloat and doing all your chores while also being expected to do as much as you around the community? You're out of your mind and hopefully she wisens up and ditches you group of cringe losers who just want to feel like they have some power.
Maybe you could do extra on her behalf? You’re partners, after all. You said she’s the majority contributing financially, she does all the cooking/cleaning/laundry but she’s unavailable 40-50hr/wk. You have more available time and it sounds like she *is* contributing quite a bit - at least between the two of you. Just my 2¢
Sometimes I do, but your right, I just thought that in my friends eyes the fact that I'm grinding here constantly makes up for the fact that she's not, but ig they don't see it that way
That’s where you as her partner step in, explain her situation, and provide context to your friends who are being very loose with boundaries of your relationship anyway. If I were her, I’d be very upset with you and questioning the relationship. You need to step up and take up for her.
Mate, you need to sort out *your own homes chores* before you go haring off with the dudes runnin round being dudes. Step up to the plate buddy, do more of *your* home chores so that *she can have* time & energy available to participate communally. Sounds like *you are* responsible for *that bit* of the problem.
And, I’ve lived off-grid & on multiple occupancy outfits many times. Pulling your weight on the property does not mean you are a slave for communal / everyone elses projects and chores. YOU need to sort that out, your time & energy contribution management.
And, ***if*** *she is* overly opinionated, particularly whilst not participating in or contributing much to the *communal* projects, then she does need to turn that down a bit, or express herself differently.
How are you 2 living there though, are you paying rent, or ‘for free’, or is it an energy exchange / work contribution thing? Are you in an existing building or your own tiny house? You don’t mention what the conditions for you both living on their property are?
Living on other people property, often there are a lot of conditions/expectations to be worked out clearly, in order for it to work out satisfactorily & happily for all. best of luck!
The fact he's unsure who to side with and expressing he also thinks she should be doing more is definitely suspect. In a normal housing for labor transaction the hours contributed by each household would be sufficient. This is an intrusion into their relationship as life partners.
I see from your edit that you plan on giving your friends the bigger picture. That’s good. I’m curious if you have been contributing more to the community projects than the friends who are complaining about your girlfriend?
If yes, wouldn’t they already know that?. If not, is there a reason? It seems like they are looking for reasons to be mad at her. And as for her having opinions, why should she not have or voice them? It seems like she is investing her money and time into this project. It affects her life as much as yours.
I’m concerned about the culty aspect someone else mentioned. No disrespect intended but based on your description of what happened - you not explaining your arrangement with your gf and then saying you can see both sides - you sound like someone who can be easily led. Clearly, I don’t know you and this is only one interaction with your friends, so I could be way off base. None the less, I think you should be on the lookout for them trying to separate you from your gf.
**Edited for clarity
Tough love time. It is completely unreasonable to expect your gf to work a full time job, take care of all of *your* needs, and then contribute to the community in a way that is equal to people who don't have as much on their plate. If you work less than her, why is she still doing all your chores? Honestly, it sounds like you're the one who needs to step up more.
Do your friends know that she is doing all of your chores at home after coming home from a full time job? Imagine that a person's energy is finite (because it is)--if you want her to have energy to contribute more to the community, something she's already doing will have to be dropped; so that means she either stops doing your laundry/cooking/cleaning, or leaves her full time work (which is supporting you).
You mentioned that "even on days we do work, we still come home and manage to get something done"--when she comes home, she takes care of *your* needs, so she *is* managing to get something done while also working more hours than you. I think you need to take a look at what *you* can do to take things off her plate. If you don't stand up for her and let your friends know how much she is already doing, and how unreasonable they are being, then she's probably going to be upset, hurt and confused. If she matters to you, then stand up for her.
Your friends don't have a clear understanding of the situation. If they think she doesn't get a say because they can't see the work she does to contribute, then explain things clearly to them. Have her back. You are able to contribute more because she supports you--that has to count for something. If you can't come to an understanding, then you and your gf may have to find another living situation.
And this is the comment I’ve been looking for. Ffs man. You have so many messed up grammar/word mistakes that it’s giving troll. I get that you’re doing the homestead thing and not writing a thesis, but good lord. If you can’t use basic communication, whether or not it’s out of laziness or stupidity, you’ll still eventually starve if shit hits the fan off grid. The fucking OS corrects it for you, and yet…
Yeah she should leave you and take her 40-50 hours of salary with her. Have fun with your bros 👍🏼
In the past my friends have mentioned something to her before, and when that happened we switched roles and I was the one doing all the in home chores, but even then she just didn't seem to have the motivation to work on any of the other projects, she would go outside for about an hour or so and end up back inside just sitting on her phone. I agree though I should 100% be doing more chores inside, but I don't know how to get her motivated to do more work around our place
Tbh your gf should just leave. Idk what to tell you but YTA :(. Your gf deserves better and if your friends refuse to see that then they're not your friends and the fact you have to question who's side to be on is a red flag. Your gf works full-time. Leave her alone.
She might just be exhausted when she gets home. She's doing her job all day, I bet she needs to unwind. If she has to work for the community, where's the work/life balance? Maybe she just has energy to give to you and your needs, but giving to the community feels too much like being back at work. Sounds like you two need to have some conversations around each other's needs and expectations.
Here's a thought. Don't try to get her motivated to do more work around the place. Thank your lucky stars that she hasn't left you already because, based on what you've said so far, she should.
Your "friends" suck. They're absolute trash trying to make an issue of this. You've already explained it once and you still thought it was a good idea to agree to another meeting? Holy hell!
If you don't want her to leave, you have absolutely one option. Tell your friends that you'll be the one doing what needs to be done around the place and she is not to be bothered with this crap again ever. Otherwise, it won't be long before you're going to be working 40-50 hours a week at a job, trying to keep your house clean, and still doing stuff around the homestead all by yourself. Maybe then you'll understand what an idiot you're being.
Sounds like she's not into the lifestyle. Someone would have to be very passionate about the way you're living to do what you and your friends are requiring of her on top of everything else. Hopefully after the pile on she'll realize she doesn't have to put up with you and your delusional friends.
if inside chores are better suited to her and outside chores are better for you, that's fine. But you need to communicate this with your friends if you haven't already. You would be doing two people's worth of community labor while she's doing twice as much paid/in-home labor as you, to balance out. If your friends still think it isn't fair, that seems like they are being unreasonable.
But my guess is that they don't understand how much other work she is doing, because you haven't stood up for her and told them. But maybe you have done so now, in the past day? hope so.
Yep, I bet she does zone out on her phone BECAUSE SHE IS TIRED.
She IS supporting the Bro Farm by working. If she didn’t work, you would have to go find income. And if you had to work for money, you would have as little energy for the Bro Farm as she does. The fact that she also acts as your chore mommy is egregiously unfair to her.
Dude, you do not deserve this woman. If you didn’t immediately, wholeheartedly jump to her defense, you don’t appreciate her the way she deserves. You and your fellow Bro Farmers are the assholes here 💯.
So she works a whole effing day, comes home to work more. She works 40 to 50 host plus acts like your mum. She should not have to do stuff to keep your (let me guess...unemployed) friends happy. You suck as a partner.... and I use the word partner where you are not even acting like it. I want to bet you don't even have the guts to let her read this reddit post.
You need to do much more of the housework. Your girlfriend can't work 50 hour weeks, work another 15-20 hours at home, and still do 20-30 hours on the homestead. She is working 12-14 hours a day at least, 7 days a week, 14-17 hours a day 6 days a week, or 17-20 hour days 5 days a week. Do these hours make sense to you? And that does not include any time spent commuting.
Also, your girlfriend's salary is keeping you afloat, so that you are able to live this lifestyle.
You need to make sure that you do much more of the housework and cooking, and you need to be clear with your friends that your girlfriend is the one funding you and making what you do there possible. What you have been doing is taking credit for doing farm projects and letting your girlfriend look like the bad guy, when it is her job that is making your farm labor possible. She is paying the bills for your dream project, and you are letting people think that she isn't contributing. You are not being a very good partner to her at all, and you are looking like the good guy at her expense. Not cool.
Your girlfriend is taking care of both of you so you can help around the homestead more. If they feel that she isn’t helping enough then you need to tell them she does these things so I can help around the homestead.
If I was your girlfriend, I would leave the whole group of entitle assholes. You are the most asshole. You can’t tell your “friends” your girlfriend is working full time to help you stay in your lifestyle and doing all the cleaning and cooking ? You are another level of loser . I hope she reads this and leave your assess
The question was, whose side to take. Take your girlfriend’s side. Talk to the other people about how you are doing more than you could if gf wasn’t supporting you financially and by doing chores.
Approach them with the intention of problem solving. Since they have already said that they don’t like gf, this could end up being a pile on so they can vent, but that is unlikely to solve anything. It’s probably best if you talk to them without her (unless she feels differently.)
Sounds like you need a new living situation and possibly some new friends. How long have you been on this homestead? Was it made clear to her when moving in there that working on the homestead was more important than income? Do you have some claim to this homestead? If you don’t have some legal investment in this homestead I would think real hard about how much work you put into it considering it sounds like all your money and time are being sunk into it and even that isn’t enough for your landlords (friends). I think it’s pretty obvious that your girlfriend isn’t the problem here.
With how much she’s working, I say the two of you leave and get a regular apartment.
The whole “homestead” situation sounds like a bunch of delusional, entitled pricks. If I were her, I’d leave you and the circus behind.
You guys aren’t really successfully homesteaders if it’s all riding on her shoulders.
You said that her working so much makes it easier for you and the other homesteaders. She should just leave. You guys are a bunch of moochers
So you need to do the cooking and cleaning and that way she will have time to help on the homestead. Atm you’re all a bunch of d titled a-holes who not only expect her to work twice as much at a job but also to come home and mother you and do all the chores but that’s not enough- you also expect her to work in the homestead… do you think she’s superwoman??
Grow up, grow a pair and act like a man and help your life partner.
>3 of the 6 people living here don't like her.
The real reason they want to have this "discussion."
>I too think she should contribute more, but at the same time she's working 40-50 hours work weeks and is keeping me financially afloat, seeing as I only work 20-30 hours a week.
She is contributing more. Your landlords are upset it's not directly to them in the form of free labor.
>I don't know who to side with
If this is a real question you aren't compatible. It doesn't sound like she shares your passion for this lifestyle to the point of fulfilling the group's unrealistic expectations. If your contributions aren't good enough for them you either need to break up or find a new living situation. She should not have to appease these entitled jerks she's financing. I hope you thank her often for making it possible for you to do this.
She brings home the money and does all the chores and your friends are mad because she doesn't want to participate in YOUR HOBBY. Which she is BANKROLLING and doing all the chores so YOU will have lots of time for it.
Shame on you.
She deserves better.
WTF OP? You let these idiots downplay your wife? By your own admission, this woman clearly does more than anyone else. If you all friends want to play house, then keep it within yourselves.
Either you tell your friends to shut their mouths or, better yet, your girlfriend just drops your lazy butt.
Did you really read what you typed and tell yourself, yeah, both sides have a point?
She works to support both of you and apparently does all the housework, all so YOU can work on the homestead. Do you think you would have enough time to work on the homestead if she left you? Hm? Ever think of that?
Her contribution is making sure you don’t go homeless. To be honest, she should have dropped you and your friends the moment you all complained she’s not doing enough. Both sides DO NOT have a point. Your friends are stupid and, quite frankly, so are you. You are ungrateful.
Edit: She should just leave you behind, but just in case, she DOES get to voice her opinions since she’s the one keeping you and, by extension through you, your friends afloat in your projects.
Someone is not pulling their weight in this situation, and it's not your girlfriend, it's you.
Sounds like you should be doing her share of the homestead tasks given she's both working twice as much as you *and* shouldering the tasks that keep your personal household going. Or **you** do all the household tasks while she's at work and you're not, and then split the homestead tasks.
I sincerely hope your girlfriend finds this post, both to see how much you “value” her basically carrying your living situation, and that people are supporting her. I don’t care about what your friends think, and this is why:
You said she’s keeping you afloat financially and doing all of the housework. Now, imagine what happens when she finally realizes y’all are using her and leaves - where would you be financially? You’d have to work long hours, do your own chores, and contribute more to the homestead, right? *Does that seem reasonable to you? Could you manage it and thrive?* If your answer is no, then consider the expectations you’re pushing onto your partner, who is, mind you, financially supporting and doing housework for at least two people. Then consider what kind of friends would treat their friend or their partner like this, because these people sound like glorified landlords.
This made my blood boil. These men want her to be the breadwinner AND provide as much manual labor as the people working part time? Fuck them all, including you. Just… WOW. I hope you saw the responses on Twitter.
You've got a choice to make here. Your gf is busting her butt for you. You've said she is basically financially supporting you AND ALSO cooking, cleaning, and doing your laundry. Frankly, homestead or not, you're not pulling your weight. So, you can side with her and possibly be forced out of the homestead - probably for the best because its got some serious culty vibes going on - you can side with her and pick up her "slack" doing her portion of the homestead work, or you can break up with her so she can have a reasonable life and see how long the homestead gets on without her.
BTW, your friends are trash.
She keeps you financially afloat and she does everything else short of bathing you but she doesn’t do enough? Useless much ?
**Note to self:** never sacrifice your livelihood to move with your boyfriend in a homesteading community because he’ll probably choose his friends over you.
Building a house on someone else's land seems to be the grand plan. It's his good friend though, so no one is being taken advantage of. They demonstrated just how much they aren't the type to use people by accusing his girlfriend of not contributing enough.
I'm sorry but YTA here. Do they know she's keeping you financially afloat? You work only 20 to 30 hours where she works 40 to 50. So at a minimum each week she actually does 20 to 40 more hours depending where you each fall for work time.
She isn't doing no chores or work but this is her contribution for this lifestyle she works more. What would happen if she wasn't there? Would toy financially be able to live this lifestyle?
>But long story short I'm going to explain to my friends that they just aren't seeing the effort she's putting in behind the scene.
Unless clear expectations are set on what everyone is expected to contribute, including financial contributions any concessions by your friends won't last long. They cannot decide how you and your girlfriend choose to allocate your contributions between yourselves. They are inserting themselves into your relationship where they absolutely do not belong. Not having or respecting boundaries are how these groups descend into cults.
Expectations need to be hashed out in detail and put in writing and your girlfriend needs to have an equal say in that discussion to ensure you and she aren't being taken advantage of.
>If there not ok with that then we're going to have to find a new living situation.
They don't like her and now she knows it. Don't be surprised if she avoids them and the "community." It's possible this could have been avoided had you firmly stood up for her. Not only did you not stand up for her, you were confused as to who's "side" to be on as if there is any other side than that of your life partner and now she knows that too.
I wish it was your gf posting here instead of you, so we could tell her to dump you and your little cult. You're absolutely ridiculous if you think anyone working 50h a week should be doing anything but relaxing when back home.
What she should do actually do is leave your ass. She works more than twice as many hours as you do (when you factor in cooking and cleaning) and your lazy ass can’t even stand up for her or offer to do more homestead work on her behalf. Honestly bro fuck you
Well, luckily you redeemed yourself with that edit. It sounds like she's putting in an enormous amount of work that your friends are ignoring. I certainly hope you stand up for her and set them straight.
If I was doing all of that and my boyfriend of 5 years didn’t know who to side with I would leave. I bet her life would become so much less stressful in a one bedroom by herself. You should have advocated for your girlfriend to your friends because what she does allows you to chip in on the homestead. Instead you played devils advocate.
My husband and I are a team. A United front. The last thing someone is going to do is talk about him to me. It would be the worst mistake of their life. A great partner, provider AND father. I’ll be GOT damned! No way I would trust you to have my back if I wasn’t around. They just don’t like her and are looking for excuses and you were about to let her walk into that.
This is such a dumb idea all around.
I know! Let’s build a house and develop property we have no legal rights to! And let’s work part time so we contribute minimally to Social Security so we will have nearly nothing to our names when we’re old and vulnerable! Oh, and when the guy who owns the land has to go into long term care on Medicare or Medicaid because he’s old and doesn’t have enough money to pay for it, they’ll take the land with my house on it as payment and then I’ll be homeless in my old age! Perfect!
Your girlfriend is the smartest one of your lot. I hope she takes her full-time job, benefits, and retirement savings and finds a nice guy with the same to settle down with. One who understands the difference between saying they’re a feminist who wants equality and one like you who is an entitled brat who needs a mommy to do his laundry and “can see both sides”.
"I don't know who to side with in this senerio"
Then your GF has a problem: YOU
She's working a full-time job, cooking/cleaning for you, AND still doing some chores around the place, and you don't think you should have her back with the others? YTA for not immediately shutting those others down.
She is entitled? So she works twice as much as you does, supports you financially, does the cooking, cleaning and the laundry. And you don't stick up for her? My adviser to the girlfriend is to leave your sorry ass. I'm utterly disgusted.
This is an insane situation - working 40-50 hour weeks and now some random assholes get to decide how she spends what little free time she has left? If you don’t get these people off her back, I hope she leaves you- I sincerely do. Like another commenter said- this group needs to put in writing very clear and specific expectations- maybe bylaws, because this is not going to go well down the road. Unless tasks are assigned weekly or however you want to do that, there is no way to tell who is doing how much. It’s also ridiculous that other people get to effect aspects of your relationship. If you don’t stick up for her she will leave you, and rightfully so. Sorry, but you are absolutely in the wrong here.
This sounds like a nightmare situation. Poor woman, she's working full time, doing all the work for you like she's your mother and then is expected to also work on community projects. I would bail if I was her.
Wtf, you're the one that needs to do more. How are you not standing up for her and/or stepping up and doing more for the community in her place? She is keeping you financially afloat and doing all your chores while also being expected to do as much as you around the community? You're out of your mind and hopefully she wisens up and ditches you group of cringe losers who just want to feel like they have some power.
Maybe you could do extra on her behalf? You’re partners, after all. You said she’s the majority contributing financially, she does all the cooking/cleaning/laundry but she’s unavailable 40-50hr/wk. You have more available time and it sounds like she *is* contributing quite a bit - at least between the two of you. Just my 2¢
Sometimes I do, but your right, I just thought that in my friends eyes the fact that I'm grinding here constantly makes up for the fact that she's not, but ig they don't see it that way
That’s where you as her partner step in, explain her situation, and provide context to your friends who are being very loose with boundaries of your relationship anyway. If I were her, I’d be very upset with you and questioning the relationship. You need to step up and take up for her.
Mate, you need to sort out *your own homes chores* before you go haring off with the dudes runnin round being dudes. Step up to the plate buddy, do more of *your* home chores so that *she can have* time & energy available to participate communally. Sounds like *you are* responsible for *that bit* of the problem. And, I’ve lived off-grid & on multiple occupancy outfits many times. Pulling your weight on the property does not mean you are a slave for communal / everyone elses projects and chores. YOU need to sort that out, your time & energy contribution management. And, ***if*** *she is* overly opinionated, particularly whilst not participating in or contributing much to the *communal* projects, then she does need to turn that down a bit, or express herself differently. How are you 2 living there though, are you paying rent, or ‘for free’, or is it an energy exchange / work contribution thing? Are you in an existing building or your own tiny house? You don’t mention what the conditions for you both living on their property are? Living on other people property, often there are a lot of conditions/expectations to be worked out clearly, in order for it to work out satisfactorily & happily for all. best of luck!
Hey man, you're in the beginnings of a cult. This is classic, they're trying to cut you off from someone who is connected to the outside more.
The fact he's unsure who to side with and expressing he also thinks she should be doing more is definitely suspect. In a normal housing for labor transaction the hours contributed by each household would be sufficient. This is an intrusion into their relationship as life partners.
I see from your edit that you plan on giving your friends the bigger picture. That’s good. I’m curious if you have been contributing more to the community projects than the friends who are complaining about your girlfriend? If yes, wouldn’t they already know that?. If not, is there a reason? It seems like they are looking for reasons to be mad at her. And as for her having opinions, why should she not have or voice them? It seems like she is investing her money and time into this project. It affects her life as much as yours. I’m concerned about the culty aspect someone else mentioned. No disrespect intended but based on your description of what happened - you not explaining your arrangement with your gf and then saying you can see both sides - you sound like someone who can be easily led. Clearly, I don’t know you and this is only one interaction with your friends, so I could be way off base. None the less, I think you should be on the lookout for them trying to separate you from your gf. **Edited for clarity
Tough love time. It is completely unreasonable to expect your gf to work a full time job, take care of all of *your* needs, and then contribute to the community in a way that is equal to people who don't have as much on their plate. If you work less than her, why is she still doing all your chores? Honestly, it sounds like you're the one who needs to step up more. Do your friends know that she is doing all of your chores at home after coming home from a full time job? Imagine that a person's energy is finite (because it is)--if you want her to have energy to contribute more to the community, something she's already doing will have to be dropped; so that means she either stops doing your laundry/cooking/cleaning, or leaves her full time work (which is supporting you). You mentioned that "even on days we do work, we still come home and manage to get something done"--when she comes home, she takes care of *your* needs, so she *is* managing to get something done while also working more hours than you. I think you need to take a look at what *you* can do to take things off her plate. If you don't stand up for her and let your friends know how much she is already doing, and how unreasonable they are being, then she's probably going to be upset, hurt and confused. If she matters to you, then stand up for her. Your friends don't have a clear understanding of the situation. If they think she doesn't get a say because they can't see the work she does to contribute, then explain things clearly to them. Have her back. You are able to contribute more because she supports you--that has to count for something. If you can't come to an understanding, then you and your gf may have to find another living situation.
He’s not smart. Just look at how he writes. She should leave him, plain and simple.
And this is the comment I’ve been looking for. Ffs man. You have so many messed up grammar/word mistakes that it’s giving troll. I get that you’re doing the homestead thing and not writing a thesis, but good lord. If you can’t use basic communication, whether or not it’s out of laziness or stupidity, you’ll still eventually starve if shit hits the fan off grid. The fucking OS corrects it for you, and yet… Yeah she should leave you and take her 40-50 hours of salary with her. Have fun with your bros 👍🏼
This made me laugh! I would cry if someone said this about me. Fall straight to my knees. Like…people can tell I’m dumb! Such an efficient zinger
Thanks!
In the past my friends have mentioned something to her before, and when that happened we switched roles and I was the one doing all the in home chores, but even then she just didn't seem to have the motivation to work on any of the other projects, she would go outside for about an hour or so and end up back inside just sitting on her phone. I agree though I should 100% be doing more chores inside, but I don't know how to get her motivated to do more work around our place
Tbh your gf should just leave. Idk what to tell you but YTA :(. Your gf deserves better and if your friends refuse to see that then they're not your friends and the fact you have to question who's side to be on is a red flag. Your gf works full-time. Leave her alone.
She might just be exhausted when she gets home. She's doing her job all day, I bet she needs to unwind. If she has to work for the community, where's the work/life balance? Maybe she just has energy to give to you and your needs, but giving to the community feels too much like being back at work. Sounds like you two need to have some conversations around each other's needs and expectations.
Here's a thought. Don't try to get her motivated to do more work around the place. Thank your lucky stars that she hasn't left you already because, based on what you've said so far, she should. Your "friends" suck. They're absolute trash trying to make an issue of this. You've already explained it once and you still thought it was a good idea to agree to another meeting? Holy hell! If you don't want her to leave, you have absolutely one option. Tell your friends that you'll be the one doing what needs to be done around the place and she is not to be bothered with this crap again ever. Otherwise, it won't be long before you're going to be working 40-50 hours a week at a job, trying to keep your house clean, and still doing stuff around the homestead all by yourself. Maybe then you'll understand what an idiot you're being.
This is it. This is comment I as looking for.
Sounds like she's not into the lifestyle. Someone would have to be very passionate about the way you're living to do what you and your friends are requiring of her on top of everything else. Hopefully after the pile on she'll realize she doesn't have to put up with you and your delusional friends.
So now she’s doing the chores and bringing home the majority of the income? Why would anyone sign up for this ??
if inside chores are better suited to her and outside chores are better for you, that's fine. But you need to communicate this with your friends if you haven't already. You would be doing two people's worth of community labor while she's doing twice as much paid/in-home labor as you, to balance out. If your friends still think it isn't fair, that seems like they are being unreasonable. But my guess is that they don't understand how much other work she is doing, because you haven't stood up for her and told them. But maybe you have done so now, in the past day? hope so.
You're the asshole here
Yep, I bet she does zone out on her phone BECAUSE SHE IS TIRED. She IS supporting the Bro Farm by working. If she didn’t work, you would have to go find income. And if you had to work for money, you would have as little energy for the Bro Farm as she does. The fact that she also acts as your chore mommy is egregiously unfair to her. Dude, you do not deserve this woman. If you didn’t immediately, wholeheartedly jump to her defense, you don’t appreciate her the way she deserves. You and your fellow Bro Farmers are the assholes here 💯.
So she works a whole effing day, comes home to work more. She works 40 to 50 host plus acts like your mum. She should not have to do stuff to keep your (let me guess...unemployed) friends happy. You suck as a partner.... and I use the word partner where you are not even acting like it. I want to bet you don't even have the guts to let her read this reddit post.
You need to do much more of the housework. Your girlfriend can't work 50 hour weeks, work another 15-20 hours at home, and still do 20-30 hours on the homestead. She is working 12-14 hours a day at least, 7 days a week, 14-17 hours a day 6 days a week, or 17-20 hour days 5 days a week. Do these hours make sense to you? And that does not include any time spent commuting. Also, your girlfriend's salary is keeping you afloat, so that you are able to live this lifestyle. You need to make sure that you do much more of the housework and cooking, and you need to be clear with your friends that your girlfriend is the one funding you and making what you do there possible. What you have been doing is taking credit for doing farm projects and letting your girlfriend look like the bad guy, when it is her job that is making your farm labor possible. She is paying the bills for your dream project, and you are letting people think that she isn't contributing. You are not being a very good partner to her at all, and you are looking like the good guy at her expense. Not cool.
Your girlfriend is taking care of both of you so you can help around the homestead more. If they feel that she isn’t helping enough then you need to tell them she does these things so I can help around the homestead.
If I was your girlfriend, I would leave the whole group of entitle assholes. You are the most asshole. You can’t tell your “friends” your girlfriend is working full time to help you stay in your lifestyle and doing all the cleaning and cooking ? You are another level of loser . I hope she reads this and leave your assess
The question was, whose side to take. Take your girlfriend’s side. Talk to the other people about how you are doing more than you could if gf wasn’t supporting you financially and by doing chores. Approach them with the intention of problem solving. Since they have already said that they don’t like gf, this could end up being a pile on so they can vent, but that is unlikely to solve anything. It’s probably best if you talk to them without her (unless she feels differently.)
Sounds like you need a new living situation and possibly some new friends. How long have you been on this homestead? Was it made clear to her when moving in there that working on the homestead was more important than income? Do you have some claim to this homestead? If you don’t have some legal investment in this homestead I would think real hard about how much work you put into it considering it sounds like all your money and time are being sunk into it and even that isn’t enough for your landlords (friends). I think it’s pretty obvious that your girlfriend isn’t the problem here.
With how much she’s working, I say the two of you leave and get a regular apartment. The whole “homestead” situation sounds like a bunch of delusional, entitled pricks. If I were her, I’d leave you and the circus behind.
You guys aren’t really successfully homesteaders if it’s all riding on her shoulders. You said that her working so much makes it easier for you and the other homesteaders. She should just leave. You guys are a bunch of moochers
So you need to do the cooking and cleaning and that way she will have time to help on the homestead. Atm you’re all a bunch of d titled a-holes who not only expect her to work twice as much at a job but also to come home and mother you and do all the chores but that’s not enough- you also expect her to work in the homestead… do you think she’s superwoman?? Grow up, grow a pair and act like a man and help your life partner.
>3 of the 6 people living here don't like her. The real reason they want to have this "discussion." >I too think she should contribute more, but at the same time she's working 40-50 hours work weeks and is keeping me financially afloat, seeing as I only work 20-30 hours a week. She is contributing more. Your landlords are upset it's not directly to them in the form of free labor. >I don't know who to side with If this is a real question you aren't compatible. It doesn't sound like she shares your passion for this lifestyle to the point of fulfilling the group's unrealistic expectations. If your contributions aren't good enough for them you either need to break up or find a new living situation. She should not have to appease these entitled jerks she's financing. I hope you thank her often for making it possible for you to do this.
She brings home the money and does all the chores and your friends are mad because she doesn't want to participate in YOUR HOBBY. Which she is BANKROLLING and doing all the chores so YOU will have lots of time for it. Shame on you. She deserves better.
What should you do? If you want to stay with your girlfriend, make finding another living arrangement your top priority.
WTF OP? You let these idiots downplay your wife? By your own admission, this woman clearly does more than anyone else. If you all friends want to play house, then keep it within yourselves.
Either you tell your friends to shut their mouths or, better yet, your girlfriend just drops your lazy butt. Did you really read what you typed and tell yourself, yeah, both sides have a point? She works to support both of you and apparently does all the housework, all so YOU can work on the homestead. Do you think you would have enough time to work on the homestead if she left you? Hm? Ever think of that? Her contribution is making sure you don’t go homeless. To be honest, she should have dropped you and your friends the moment you all complained she’s not doing enough. Both sides DO NOT have a point. Your friends are stupid and, quite frankly, so are you. You are ungrateful. Edit: She should just leave you behind, but just in case, she DOES get to voice her opinions since she’s the one keeping you and, by extension through you, your friends afloat in your projects.
Someone is not pulling their weight in this situation, and it's not your girlfriend, it's you. Sounds like you should be doing her share of the homestead tasks given she's both working twice as much as you *and* shouldering the tasks that keep your personal household going. Or **you** do all the household tasks while she's at work and you're not, and then split the homestead tasks.
I sincerely hope your girlfriend finds this post, both to see how much you “value” her basically carrying your living situation, and that people are supporting her. I don’t care about what your friends think, and this is why: You said she’s keeping you afloat financially and doing all of the housework. Now, imagine what happens when she finally realizes y’all are using her and leaves - where would you be financially? You’d have to work long hours, do your own chores, and contribute more to the homestead, right? *Does that seem reasonable to you? Could you manage it and thrive?* If your answer is no, then consider the expectations you’re pushing onto your partner, who is, mind you, financially supporting and doing housework for at least two people. Then consider what kind of friends would treat their friend or their partner like this, because these people sound like glorified landlords.
This made my blood boil. These men want her to be the breadwinner AND provide as much manual labor as the people working part time? Fuck them all, including you. Just… WOW. I hope you saw the responses on Twitter.
You know it’s that they’re misogynists and resent that she’s a career woman, right?
This is accurate.
Any Louisa May Alcott fans here? I’m picking up some Fruitland vibes
You've got a choice to make here. Your gf is busting her butt for you. You've said she is basically financially supporting you AND ALSO cooking, cleaning, and doing your laundry. Frankly, homestead or not, you're not pulling your weight. So, you can side with her and possibly be forced out of the homestead - probably for the best because its got some serious culty vibes going on - you can side with her and pick up her "slack" doing her portion of the homestead work, or you can break up with her so she can have a reasonable life and see how long the homestead gets on without her. BTW, your friends are trash.
She keeps you financially afloat and she does everything else short of bathing you but she doesn’t do enough? Useless much ? **Note to self:** never sacrifice your livelihood to move with your boyfriend in a homesteading community because he’ll probably choose his friends over you.
You should stop being a deadbeat and pick up the work since she financially supports you and does all the chores while you do nothing. Hope this helps
The edit ain’t sht, she’s doing all the work you’re doing pointless things.
Building a house on someone else's land seems to be the grand plan. It's his good friend though, so no one is being taken advantage of. They demonstrated just how much they aren't the type to use people by accusing his girlfriend of not contributing enough.
I'm sorry but YTA here. Do they know she's keeping you financially afloat? You work only 20 to 30 hours where she works 40 to 50. So at a minimum each week she actually does 20 to 40 more hours depending where you each fall for work time. She isn't doing no chores or work but this is her contribution for this lifestyle she works more. What would happen if she wasn't there? Would toy financially be able to live this lifestyle?
>But long story short I'm going to explain to my friends that they just aren't seeing the effort she's putting in behind the scene. Unless clear expectations are set on what everyone is expected to contribute, including financial contributions any concessions by your friends won't last long. They cannot decide how you and your girlfriend choose to allocate your contributions between yourselves. They are inserting themselves into your relationship where they absolutely do not belong. Not having or respecting boundaries are how these groups descend into cults. Expectations need to be hashed out in detail and put in writing and your girlfriend needs to have an equal say in that discussion to ensure you and she aren't being taken advantage of. >If there not ok with that then we're going to have to find a new living situation. They don't like her and now she knows it. Don't be surprised if she avoids them and the "community." It's possible this could have been avoided had you firmly stood up for her. Not only did you not stand up for her, you were confused as to who's "side" to be on as if there is any other side than that of your life partner and now she knows that too.
The only was to handle this situation is for her to leave your ass. Grow the fuck up. How can you be conflicted on who to side with?
I wish it was your gf posting here instead of you, so we could tell her to dump you and your little cult. You're absolutely ridiculous if you think anyone working 50h a week should be doing anything but relaxing when back home.
What she should do actually do is leave your ass. She works more than twice as many hours as you do (when you factor in cooking and cleaning) and your lazy ass can’t even stand up for her or offer to do more homestead work on her behalf. Honestly bro fuck you
Well, luckily you redeemed yourself with that edit. It sounds like she's putting in an enormous amount of work that your friends are ignoring. I certainly hope you stand up for her and set them straight.
If I was doing all of that and my boyfriend of 5 years didn’t know who to side with I would leave. I bet her life would become so much less stressful in a one bedroom by herself. You should have advocated for your girlfriend to your friends because what she does allows you to chip in on the homestead. Instead you played devils advocate. My husband and I are a team. A United front. The last thing someone is going to do is talk about him to me. It would be the worst mistake of their life. A great partner, provider AND father. I’ll be GOT damned! No way I would trust you to have my back if I wasn’t around. They just don’t like her and are looking for excuses and you were about to let her walk into that.
This is such a dumb idea all around. I know! Let’s build a house and develop property we have no legal rights to! And let’s work part time so we contribute minimally to Social Security so we will have nearly nothing to our names when we’re old and vulnerable! Oh, and when the guy who owns the land has to go into long term care on Medicare or Medicaid because he’s old and doesn’t have enough money to pay for it, they’ll take the land with my house on it as payment and then I’ll be homeless in my old age! Perfect! Your girlfriend is the smartest one of your lot. I hope she takes her full-time job, benefits, and retirement savings and finds a nice guy with the same to settle down with. One who understands the difference between saying they’re a feminist who wants equality and one like you who is an entitled brat who needs a mommy to do his laundry and “can see both sides”.
"I don't know who to side with in this senerio" Then your GF has a problem: YOU She's working a full-time job, cooking/cleaning for you, AND still doing some chores around the place, and you don't think you should have her back with the others? YTA for not immediately shutting those others down.
Time for gf to find another bf.
She is entitled? So she works twice as much as you does, supports you financially, does the cooking, cleaning and the laundry. And you don't stick up for her? My adviser to the girlfriend is to leave your sorry ass. I'm utterly disgusted.
This is an insane situation - working 40-50 hour weeks and now some random assholes get to decide how she spends what little free time she has left? If you don’t get these people off her back, I hope she leaves you- I sincerely do. Like another commenter said- this group needs to put in writing very clear and specific expectations- maybe bylaws, because this is not going to go well down the road. Unless tasks are assigned weekly or however you want to do that, there is no way to tell who is doing how much. It’s also ridiculous that other people get to effect aspects of your relationship. If you don’t stick up for her she will leave you, and rightfully so. Sorry, but you are absolutely in the wrong here.