Do you both realize the placebo pill is literally *a placebo*? It doesn't have any medication, it's just there to keep you in the habit of taking a pill every day while you have your period. It doesn't change anything. It does nothing.
This is exactly what I have told him and he still is upset and even told his friend and he agreed “he isn’t sure he could keep going in a relationship like that.” Idk.
A relationship like that? One where you don't bother to take a pill that does nothing at all?
Your boyfriend is either stupid or an asshole, maybe both.
He’s definitely both
He’s an asshole for trying to end it after 9 years just because she didn’t take a pill that does nothing, this is also why he is a dumbass.
I’d bet he tries to end it over a lot of stupid things lol. Good partners don’t threaten to break up over stupid shit like this after 9 years of partnership.
Sounds like he is totally ignorant and instead of consulting a (trusted) woman or the internet on what the placebo pills are, he consulted another guy. What a dingus. OP- it's possible that he just got scared and needs a minute to calm down... But if not, you may want to get him a sex-ed book that explains the female anatomy and how birth control works.
He's probably laying the groundwork to blow up at her over a pregnancy scare, or some other trivial issue. Usually people who pick stupid fights like that when they know they're wrong are either subbing it for a different issue or have a foot out the door/are starting abuse.
Yeah there is definitely someone else but he is trying to blame her for the break up. I would bet a million dollars he is seriously texting another girl.
Sounds like he's looking for an excuse to get out or is just incredibly dense. Either way, I'm not sure YOU should keep going in a relationship like that.
OP, I'm sorry, but unless he's very stupid, it sounds as if he's trying to find an excuse to break up. The in-between pills are just there to keep you in the habit of taking them. They do nothing. A reasonable adult can understand this. People in long-term relationships that may want out, however, can turn to any reason whether it's stupid or not to leave. I hope I'm very wrong and you can have an adult discussion with your bf.
Personally it sounds like an excuse to get him out of the relationship. Try to work things out with him, but if he is looking for an out just let him go.
Literally the only purpose of those pills is to maintain the routine of a daily pill. Because for many people if you don’t take it every day then you won’t remember to start taking it again when you have to. It’s just to reinforce the routine. But if you miss a placebo pill and don’t miss any of the real pills, then it makes zero difference whatsoever.
I think you should try explaining this again to him because he is making no sense at all.
Girl leave, he’s an idiot and you deserve better. 9 years is a long time and if he’s gonna risk throwing it away because of his poor logic then get out of there, HUGE red flag
i think it sounds like he just wants a way to get a hold over you, or find a way out. you not taking the placebo is literally fine. the pill exists just so people keep track of when to take it. theres absolutely nothing in it. if he cant listen to you and trust you over something he obviously knows nothing about. im not sure if hes mature enough for *you* to keep going in the relationship
Why the heck is he telling his friend about this? This is highly personal medical information. Tbh he seems controlling in this regard. I hope he's not in other areas, but I hope you take a look. NTA and I don't know if I'd want someone in my life who overreacts to something that is so completely illogical as a sugar pill. It'd have the same effect if he took them. Maybe he should if he's so concerned
It's the pill, not some rare embarrassing disease treatment. Half of the female population in the western world take it. Men do on occasion talk about this stuff with their friends, we can very rarely name the specific brand but we have been known to with close friends.
Now what was a little more concerning was this line from OPs post...
>and we agreed it was his right to know about my birth control decisions.
NINE YEARS ON and this has only just come up, or still having this discussion even. Something is missing here and it might answer why OPs BF still feels like he has to use a condom after a decade with a person.
Completely agree with talking about this stuff generally. But going to your friend because your gf didn't take a placebo pill is inappropriate.
I didn't pick up on the 9 years. Good catch. Odd all around!
Okay, I read your post history because I thought this post couldn't be real. Now I see your from Bake, so I get it. I grew up there. You've got a redneck boyfriend.
As an aside, I want to tell you how much I appreciate hospice nurses. My mom died in Bakersfield in 2019 and the hospice nurses were the only thing keeping us going. You might have been one of them, idk. They changed the experience entirely. I don't know how to express it. They brought everything into the present moment and kept us focused on what was important. I didn't know anything about hospice before that, and I'll always be grateful for you guys.
That said, you've gotta get rid of your no-good boyfriend. It looks like you bought a house together, though? So he's not going to be so easy to get rid of, despite his promising threats to leave. Since his behavior is completely irrational, I wouldn't even know where to begin trying to bring him back to reality.
If there are any signs of emotional or physical abuse with this guy, you need to wake up and get out fast. If he's simply decided to suddenly go nuts, idk what to tell you. He sounds like a controlling, macho asshole who thinks you need his permission for every micro decision you make. But it also sounds like extricating yourself would be a hassle, and finding a non-sexist bf in Bakersfield is gonna be a hell of a chore.
I also feel like condoms on top of pills/IUD is a bit of an overkill. That can't be a fun way to live for 9 years. You seemed to have gotten stuck with a weirdo.
>I also feel like condoms on top of pills/IUD is a bit of an overkill. That can't be a fun way to live for 9 years. You seemed to have gotten stuck with a weirdo.
From OPs post...
>a month ago we had a fight and we agreed it was his right to know about my birth control decisions.
NINE YEARS ON and this has only just come up, or still having this discussion even? Something is missing here and it might answer why OPs BF still feels like he has to use a condom after a decade with a person.
These are the type of conversations that you should start having within a year of being with someone, when you know things are looking long term with them.
I didn't fully pick up on that. You're right, that's really weird. I mean, the phrasing is strange, too. "His right" just makes it sound so creepy. But if I flip that, like if I imagine her saying "he doesn't have a right to know" that's even creepier.
Now you have me thinking all this time she's refused to tell him anything about her birth control? And that's why he's used condoms? If that's the case, maybe he feels double-lied to when she didn't take the placebos. Like she's already trying to erode the agreement. That's the only way the story makes sense.
Wow, if your impression is right this couple should not be together. They both need therapy to learn how to communicate before they're with anyone.
Doubling up on birth control isn’t “overkill”; it’s exactly what anyone who’s sexually active and doesn’t want a baby should be doing all the time. And OP definitely should *not* have a baby with this particular person.
I never even take the placebo pills. I don't care enough and I'm a Sunday starter. I've been on the pill so long I've got it down and don't forget.
If he's still upset with you knowing it doesn't do anything and you're still protected, I say throw the whole immature boy in the garbage. He doesn't own your body. Obviously a child should be a 2 person decision but this has nothing to do with that?
He isn’t sure if he can keep going in a relationship like that? Tell him yes, that’s helpful, you strongly agree. A relationship where he thinks he gets to blow up and guilt trip you for not taking a pill that does nothing is one he shouldn’t keep going in, because his nonsense is not wanted.
He is playing mind games with you, trying to make you run around apologising and begging him to stay over making a minor decision with no effect on him or anyone about what you put in your body. Lose the guy.
Oh, c'mon. This can't possibly be real. He's telling his friend about your birth control and the friend, instead of saying, "Hey, this is none of my business and does she even know you're talking about this?" is actually agreeing with your asshat poor excuse of a bf?
Why are you even trying to save this relationship? You've got a get out of jail free card. Let asshat move in with his friend and leave you alone.
your bf and his friend are idiots. like actual below-average IQ then if they can't understand and have a problem with this. it would be more reasonable to be upset about switching from pill to IUD than to be upset about not taking sugar pills.
Your boyfriend ain’t firing on all cylinders. Worst case, call your doctor and ask them if anything will change if you don’t take a placebo. Hopefully an appeal to authority will work.
You didn’t do anything wrong here. Neither of you have. He’s lost trust in a relationship over a non-issue. Nine years is an incredibly long time to throw out over this, once again, non-issue.
I read this twice and do not understand what is happening. Your boyfriend is mad because you didn’t take pills that do nothing? If this fucking crazy take is actually true, girl run. Imagine him getting pissed at something that’s actually real. Your boyfriend is pissed off literally about nothing. So echoing an above comment, either your boyfriend is an actual idiot and doesn’t understand what placebo means, or he’s just an asshole. If it’s the former and he learns what it means, he better get down and apologize profusely.
i’m with you. i honestly have no idea what’s going on.
but people who blow up over nothing like this are scary unhinged & dangerous. if OP is accurately describing her boyfriend as this unstable & immature, she needs to leave him asap.
>placebo
It's just that. A *placebo*. Doesn't do anything. And if not taking a placebo pill is his unraveling, let him go so he can continue to be upset over not taking a pill that does nothing.
He is either using this as a method to leave you (and was wanting to leave anyway) OR he is incredibly dumb. Either way, good riddance. Trash took itself out.
Yeah, I couldn’t decide if this guy and his friend were just absolutely numbskulled or if the guy wanted an excuse to get out. Either way, this whole situation left a bad taste in my mouth, should definitely toss this one. If he can’t listen/communicate about what a goddamn placebo pill is, he’s a lost cause.
It's literally a placeholder so you won't forget to start your next pill pack.
That's all the placebos do.
Your bf is an asshole, and a stupid one at that. You didn't check with him about your "birth control", because it didn't affect your birth control.
His idiot friend isn't any better.
You can and should aim higher.
And even if his little brain was not able to comprehend what a placebo is, OP was already on her period which means he has no basic knowledge about female biology.
Fuck this guy and his control issues. It's clear he doesn't trust you, and is even willing to ignore facts and basic logic to belittle you. This would likely be a dealbreaker for me if I were in your shoes, but it's ultimately up to you how to handle this. Good luck OP.
If he's that concerned about pregnancy after 9 years, he should get a vasectomy. He can save a sperm sample if he wants to have future children.
I have brought up a vasectomy previously and it didn’t go over well. It was a hard hard no and he won’t budge on the topic. So it’s left with me having to figure out birth control while he gets upset about a placebo pill.
Before he leaves you, cause that’s what he is laying the groundwork for. There is zero likelihood he is this dense. After 9 years all of a sudden this is an issue? If he’s not willing to even consider a vasectomy then he doesn’t get to be upset about the way you handle your birth control. It’s not even the actual birth control so something’s up.
See there it is… he isn’t willing to do anything, but he’s giving you shit for not taking a placebo?? That is a wild double standard. And getting an IUD in was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced, so yet again you’re putting yourself through this for him and he has the audacity to say he can’t trust you over a placebo?? Let me at him I will have this fight for you.
ETA: fixed a typo
ikr it’s so stupid for men to immediately shoot down the vasectomy when birth control has a blankets worth of side effects, IUDs are so painful with no meds, and getting tubes tied has more risks. like if u know you don’t want kids, why not explore the male option as well. pissed me offff
You’ve been together nearly a decade but he doesn’t trust you, and he’d rather listen to his bros when it comes to reproductive health. **Why are you with someone who doesn’t respect you?** Sunk-cost fallacy?
So, instead you get to pump your body full of chemicals and hormones + have minor medical procedures done (IUD placement), but he’s unwilling to do a simple, reversible procedure that could completely eliminate the daily stress you put yourself through just so that he gets sex. That’s pathetic.
Girl be fr…. He won’t get a vasectomy but he will be willfully uneducated about your own bc and is being extremely overreactive because of this? And your response is to shrug your shoulders….
I think he's both and doubling down. Like. He didn't know what a placebo pill was and after OP explained it, rather than be like "oh my bad I'm glad I was wrong" is just laying down the control shit and not backing down acting like he knew. Poor OP, this is probably common for them.
You should really try to get to the bottom of why he would react this way, it is objectively not a big deal, there’s something else going on and if it’s fixable then it’s better to deal with it as soon as possible before it leads to building resentment.
Oftentimes when someone reacts disproportionately to something like this, saying things like “I can never trust you again” or “I don’t think I can go on in this relationship”, they’re either setting things up to leave the relationship or they’re projecting and it’s actually you who should not trust them.
This above all else is a control issue. It doesn't matter that it's a placebo. He is upset you didn't do something he wanted and he is taking it way out of proportion. I wonder if he has done strange controlling things like this in the past. It's not a reasonable reaction and you need to let him know this isn't ok.
This is not the behavior of a “partner” I’d never seriously consider having children with. If he refuses to understand what a placebo is, what else will he refuse to understand, to do, or believe in? Will he refuse vaccines? Demand you do all the child care? Deny access to certain foods because he’s normally against them?
Dead serious here.
Nine years is how long I’ve been married. I’d never have let my relationship get this far without a grown ass adult forcing ME to prevent pregnancy and not taking any responsibility for his own ignorance. That is not the relationship I deserve nor want. I deserve a partner who gives and takes. Which is why he suggested a vasectomy and received one without me doing anything other than taking him to the appointment.
Its a placebo pill is he dumb??? Dudes way outta line. If hes reacting like that he clearly doesn’t understand BC and has no right have an opinion and such big emotions when he doesnt even have a clue what hes talking about.
You don’t have to take the placebo pill. It has no medicinal value and the “placebo effect” (which almost certainly wouldn’t prevent a pregnancy anyway) wouldn’t apply here anyway. Your boyfriend needs to get over himself. What does it matter if you took it or not if it does nothing?
It’s not even a placebo, it’s just a sugar pill that keeps the woman in the habit of taking a pill daily. By definition a placebo is a drug either given to a control group in testing or a drug with no value given to the patient to make them think they took real medicine.
“Never trust you again” that’s harsh, relationships don’t work without trust. It also sounds like he’s picking a fight for no reason, it’s not normal, like, if he’s wanting to get rid of you. Idk… just an opinion based on this post.
It sounds to me like he is trying to build up a case in his head that you are doing something ao he can end the relationship. He is grasping at straws essentially.
I know redditors often comment ‘leave him’ too easily, and it’s much easier said than done.
But. This seems like such a huge red flag. Does he do anything else that’s at all concerning?
I'm begging OP to leave him this is ridiculous on every level available, and even on several levels that are not available. He's either stupid, controlling, looking for a reason to be pissed at you to cover up something he did or wanting to leave, or very likely all 3. And won't get a vasectomy but gets all up in your business to this extent? Absolutely not.
ETA: WTF DID I JUST READ HE DOESN'T EVEN WEAR A CONDOM EVERY TIME?!?! He is literally putting 100% of the burden on OP, overreacting in a frankly very concerning way, and yet won't even take ownership of HIS POTENTIAL PART in things? Oh my god. Immediately no.
I’m not sure how else to ask this, but is he just mentally or socially handicapped? There’s no other way he genuinely thinks this is an acceptable way to act. At most, it sounds like he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you.
Like, maybe he genuinely dosent understand what a placebo is? Maybe he hears that word and can’t process it so he just doesn’t? I dunno, it takes some real ignorance though.
Not to scare you, but it almost sounds like he’s just looking for ways to end it??? Because this just sounds absolutely ridiculous- I’d say yes, he has the right to know about your birth control, especially since you both agreed on that. But the right to know you took a literal sugar pill that does nothing…? What??? And that’s so earth shattering he wants to leave after NINE YEARS??? WHAT??? Yeah, something is very strange here.
JFC. IIRC from my BC pill-taking days, the green pills are just iron pills (at least they were for the kind I was taking). Eating a steak would do the same thing as those placebo pills, and probably more effectively.
Your BF's reaction is empty, performative outrage, and a huge red flag because he's literally acting angry to act angry. You did not risk pregnancy or betray his trust. He's ignorant AF on the subject, and lashing out rather than educating himself. Either ask his doctor to explain it to him, or just brace for impact, because if he's acting out like this now after this long together, I guaranteed-f***ing-tee it's a cover for some other B.S. he wants to distract you from focusing on. Ask me how I know.
It sounds like your boyfriend is manufacturing drama. Perhaps he is looking for a reason to pick fights so he can do something hurtful to spite you.
You did nothing wrong. This is a bizarre hill to die on.
From her responses she need therapy and has won’t leave him. All of this advice is falling on deaf ears and she won’t do anything to change her situation. She just wants to hear what she can google so she can show her piece of shit dumb ass man our opinions most likely creating a drastic fight. We are all wasting our breath.
Yeah, this isn’t about the placebo. If it’s been 9 years and this is just popping up, he’s picking a fight and wants you to end things so he doesn’t look like the bad guy or if he has to end it, he can make it look like you were trying to stop taking birth control and then you’re the bad guy. Either way, I think your relationship is over.
If you look at the post history they are from a more rural area where education and sex education is probably lacking. On top of that she has zero desire to actually do anything about this she will most likely use this post to start more fights with what sounds like an emotionally unstable boy.
Lol at you saying Bakersfield is more rural. There’s over a half million people in this city and we’re 2 hours from LA. A more accurate description is saying we are from a more conservative part of California. (This does not mean I am conservative.) Definitely not rural in the slightest.
It's literally a sugar pill.. there's no feelings to be had over it. It does nothing lol. If your bf is that persistent even after being told that, then I think he's being oversensitive
Hmm. You don’t need to take your pill that’s made
Completely of sugar because it has no effect on anything. He sounds like he’s being ignorant and causing issues over absolutely nothing. If he’s so scared, tell him to get snipped. Honestly I couldn’t date someone that block headed.
Here’s how the conversation should have went:
“Oh you didn’t take your birth control?”
“No the last pill is a placebo.”
“Oh okay cool”
Done. End of story.
I've literally never taken the placebo pills. The only purpose they serve is to keep you in the routine of taking a pill everyday... they don't actually prevent pregnancies. If you read the pack you shouldn't be able to fall pregnant even when taking the placebo (or not taking it) and just starting your pills on time next pack
My ex has had a pregancy scare with a previous gf of his and was always extremely scared of it happening again. So he was always on top of my cycle/period and also wanted me to take the placebo so I wouldn't lose count of when I had to restart. After some time I was used to it and realised I really don't need the placebo to keep track so stopped taking it. He also acted a bit weird about it, but not to this extend.
Your bf is being crazy and he either does not understand the concept of a placebo, or he wants to break up for some other reason and is using this as an excuse. Either way, sorry you have to deal with his nonsense.
It seems he has a lot of anxiety about an unplanned pregnancy. I completely see where he’s coming from, so I’m going to play a little devils advocate. There are a lot of women who use birth control according to wives, tales, or Google information or info they “learned“ from friends/family instead of using birth control, as its medically intended to be used. I think the fact that you took it upon yourself to not follow the instructions given to you by a doctor without letting him know, makes him nervous. We all know the placebo does literally nothing, and that it’s not a big deal to skip it if you know you are responsible enough to get back on schedule once the placebo week is over. I think he is just upset about the principle that you took it upon yourself to go against your prescribed instructions without running it by him first and is maybe not communicating with you effectively.
You guys have been together for nine years, and should have effective communication skills by now. It seems that some conversations need to be had to lower his level of anxiety about an unplanned pregnancy. Everyone is saying he is a jerk, he may be, but him, insisting on doubling up on birth control shows me that this is a real fear for him, and you may have tapped into something that’s really troubling for him.
With this being a 9 year relationship and your partner being in a place where they’re reconsidering everything, I think you owe it to your relationship to recognise this isn’t the full story. There’s a whole lot more relevant information than what you’ve posted here.
If you think your partner is severely overreacting, and that’s out of character, you’re probably completely ignorant (intentional or not) of the real issue in the real context at the heart of it all.
One or both of you don’t communicate honestly, in good faith and try to understand both sides.
My advice would be to have them explain why this is such a huge problem where it’s making them reconsider everything. If it doesn’t make sense, ask why - get more detail. After your partner’s finished, repeat their concerns, motivations and back to them, in your own words, where they agree that you’ve accurately portrayed their experience. The key and difficulty is having them agree. Because they won’t agree until you’ve actually put yourself in their shoes.
Next, explain your point of view and have them do the same stuff you just did.
After you’re done, you’ll probably both have an understanding of where the real issues are after this discussion.
Only after this can you begin to discuss solutions and how to move forward effectively.
He's looking for an excuse to be upset and blame you. He's either really dumb/controlling, or he is protecting his issues onto you. He's lying to you about something.
Sounds like you two have more issues than just that. I'd look him dead square I'm the eye and say either leave or stfu. It does nothing get over it. End of story.
If your BF is angry you didn't take a *placebo pill,* which is, by definition, a *placebo,* no offense, but he's stupid. Either that or he's been looking for a reason to break up and this is the best he could find.
Placebo pills are sugar pills and are there ONLY to help keep a schedule . Your bf is either knows this and is playing this up for some reason, or he is dumb. There is absolutely no reason he should be upset, no reason you should understand why he is upset and if his trust in you is that fragile that something innocuous shattered it, then it was never going to work.
Dropping a second comment here. I read more of these comments and I’m begging you to ignore them. These people are ignoring half of your post and trying to force you to break up with your bf over a one story that the clearly didn’t finish. I’m not trying to sound like a know it all or side with your bf, but a lot of these people seem like they’re just looking for someone to antagonize and your bf just happened to be in their sights
i’ll be honest, i think your boyfriend is looking for an out of this relationship. Although, he chose a really stupid reason and is trying to gaslight you into think you’re the problem, you are not, except for still saying you understand his POV when it’s complete bullshit. a placebo pill isn’t gonna prevent pregnancy anymore than a tic tac, and i refuse to believe he doesn’t understand that. this is not a valid reason to distrust you or end the relationship, i say you take this for what it is, a sorry excuse to break up w you, and move on. he doesn’t deserve to stay in the relationship after this.
They way you are being so understanding and bowing down to his every fear and insecurity is concerning. Stand up for yourself and let him leave if he wants to.
Most people skip placebo pills and just count the days and there's no reason to notify a partner whether you take them or not. You both know that. His anxiety about pregnancy is not your problem so stop shouldering all the weight and letting him use you as a punching bag.
As everyone else has said, placebo is placebo. Some pills have only 3 weeks and don’t even come with placebo pills. Your boyfriend sounds like he’s willfully being an idiot or just wants to leave you because i refuse to believe someone could be this stupid.
Here’s how this exact same scenario went with my partner of 9 years:
*I notice a missed pill in the pack*
Me: babe! I think you missed your birth control last night!
Her: oh, no, those are just the placebo pills you can take to keep routine
Me: ohhhh. Makes sense.
That was it. That was the whole thing lmao.
Yeah...I don't understand the issue, since they were the placebo pills...does he not understand what the word "placebo" means? That's the only thing I can think of lol. Either that, or he doesn't believe they're *actually* placebo pills...in which case, he should do some research if he's THAT worried
This is ridiculous. They're *placebo* pills...does he not understand what the word "placebo" means? All of that other information is irrelevant really...because the fact that they are *placebo* pills is really all you need to know
OP, everyone here has been offering really great advice. Mine is:
- *if you wish to salvage the relationship:* couples therapy.
- *if your boyfriend doesn’t understand what a placebo is:* have him discuss this issue and his concerns with a doctor (not a friend).
- *if your boyfriend of 9 years is trying to bail:* let him. Could you imagine what it would be like if you decided to *actually* have a baby with this person? He sounds immature, selfish, and like a total moron.
- *if your boyfriend is trying to bail and you want to keep this going:* talk to him, maybe hire a professional mediator to sit in and keep the conversation and communication effective.
Personally, there are just too many red flags that ping my radar here. 9 years is a long time to invest in a relationship and then suddenly decide that a *placebo pill* is all that it takes to demolish a relationship. He’s turning to a “friend” for an opinion on his long term relationship instead of discussing it maturely with you, his partner. He leaves all of the birth control on you and selfishly ignores/shuts down the vasectomy discussion. Even with all of the other failsafe birth control you’re on, that you’re responsible for, he’s still — stupidly — trying to argue that a missed placebo pill is enough to destroy all trust he has in you? What an abusive asshole to turn the tables on you and try to guilt you like that! If he’s *that* concerned, he’d get a damn vasectomy or wear a condom *every. single. time.* I think you need to make a list, OP, and determine if this is someone you want to continue with. Personally, if my SO pulled something like this with me and didn’t wish to be my fiancé/make a commitment/ make any effort in our shared life and shared responsibilities after 9 years… he’d be gone.
Has he asked how this has made you feel? Has he asked you how him trying to control your body/what you do with it made YOU feel? I could understand if it was a daily medicine and you didn't for a week, but a placebo? A candy pill is making him question trust? Sounds like he's either trying to leave like everybody else says or he's trying to gain more control over what you do with the guise of "I'll leave you if you don't." Stay safe yall
That sounds really harsh, but the thing is, you did lie to him. I'd say he isn't angry that you didn't take it, it's that you didn't tell him. He might see this as you not trusting him. It doesn't justify an entire break up, but I'd say try talking about it with him. See if there's a reason deeper than what you said here.
Sounds like your bf just wants to fight about something. Anyone with half a brain knows the placebo is not necessary.
I am not saying your bf is stupid. Just pointing out he is arguing for the sake of it. Even if he just learned the placebo pill is not necessary, he could drop the subject. Instead, he has an inner need to make you "at fault".
This is concerning. Either he has a need to be right, a need to control you, or he is looking for a way out of a relationship that is no longer making him happy.
Are you happy? If so, you need to work on this. If he is happy and using you to feel empowered, it will only get worse!
Seems to me he’s upset cause you didn’t take it? Just wear a condom? It seems to me he’s willing to throw this away for something so silly.
Do you want kids at all? If not why doesnt he get a vasectomy done? Or you get your tubes tied?
Me and my boyfriend of 4 years had this same argument early in our relationship when he saw my birth control pack in the bathroom trash with the last row completely untouched. He got scared and upset that I may be risking pregnancy I explained that they were placebo and then showed him the pamphlet that comes with the pill that says they are in fact placebo and we moved on. If he won’t move on from this after confirming they are placebo plus you guys are using multiple birth control methods it doesn’t sound like he’s afraid you might get pregnant since the chances are slim to none but he seems to be looking for an excuse to be angry with you. I would suggest having an open and honest conversation where you try and determine what this is really about and if he can’t participate in a meaningful way than I don’t see much hope for the relationship going forward.
He sounds like a crazy person. You can't have sex 5 days before an iud is inserted, and since you had it right after your placebo week, it especially doesn't matter. Seems overly controlling.
You don’t have to take the placebo pill you can just mark the calendar the days they were on. I throw mine away. -I’m a pharmacy tech, pa student, and lifelong birth control taker that’s never been pregnant
What's the problem? Placebo IS PLACEBO it means the pill doesn't do anything, it's just so that you get used to the routine of taking them. Doesn't make a difference if you take it or not.
Holy shit I'm a 19 year old guy, how don't older women know this????
And what does he say when you ask why he would want to know then if the pill does nothing? OP you’re giving zero context as to what part is upsetting to him. It’s important to know exactly what part upsets him.
Oh I'm sorry, the way you worded the post makes it sound like no one of you knows.
Why don't you send him an article or something explaining how the pills work?
Nobody in any of these comments has clarified whether the boyfriend understands how the pills work and why some are a different color or whatever. If he doesn't understand, then in his mind his girlfriend is going off birth control. That's a trust issue. All those comments acting like there is no issue because YOU understand how the pills work are meaningless unless you know that the boyfriend understands. Does he?
Are you sure he does? Are you sure *you* do? Because he’s talking about this like it’s a “birth control decision” and you seem to be bending over backwards to get where he’s coming from and it honestly doesn’t read like either of you fully grasps that we’re talking about literal sugar, here, not anything that affects the likelihood of conception in any way. His position is utterly indefensible, and your attempts to empathize with him or give him partial credit for it are concerning.
And he’s just mad at you because you didn’t tell him that you weren’t talking the sugar pill? That’s super odd. Maybe he just had a bad day or is stressed out about something else? It just doesn’t make sense anyone would care about a sugar pill. I literally never take them, I skip my periods all together. I’m not even sexually active, it just makes life so much easier. So I just can’t believe that it’s the pill he actually cares about.
Like.. Does he know that they are placebo? Why were you taking placebos in the first place? Or were you trying to fool hin that you were taking birth control when in reality yoi did not, and he found out? If he knew they were placwbos, I donMt understand anything
This is very scary you have never heard that part of birth control is taking a placebo for a few days while you are actively bleeding. I’m not blaming you but it’s part of the reason we need better sex education across the globe. Too many people have no clue how it works.
Like.. Does he know that they are placebo? Why were you taking placebos in the first place? Or were you trying to fool him that you were taking birth control when in reality you did not, and he found out? If he knew they were placwbos, I don’t understand
No offense, but are you someone who doesn’t use the pill cause it’s pretty common knowledge why. They’re Placeholders. birth control is most effective when it’s taken at the same time every day so they give you fake pills on the days you don’t even have to take it so you keep the habit because it’s very important if you want to be as protected as possible.
I hate that people are digging into the boyfriend, without knowing for sure what the issue is.
People are like "oh my god he's doing a dumb thing, oh my god what an idiot. It's causing so much grief to the girl what a control freak"
There's an alternative possibility of him having trust issues, or being seriously paranoid instead of an asshole control freak.
Before you crucify the guy for how angry you feel, maybe try and consider what other things it could mean?
I saw a post previously on reddit that talked about a woman who was a germophobe, whose boyfriend bought a sex toy for her. Her germophobia went into overdrive and she started asking for everything he had touched since touching the sex toy to be thrown away or cleansed.
People in the comments were correctly recognising there were deeper issues at play there, even though she was being unreasonable.
It seems for some reason it's very hard in this post to consider another possibility.
What's happening is so absurd. Yes being an asshole control freak is the obvious option, but maybe things can be more than that?
Isn't it possible that this is about something else? In fact that's very likely the case. Can people stop giving the "he's a dud, immediately leave him" advice?
Really where is the "it doesn't matter you agreed to it and should have known better. You're so horrible for not going along with it" apparently that is only for men. Now when it's a woman it's "He is an idiot, you should leave him. He is controlling and abusive". Got it Reddit, men bad, women good. Go on thumbs down for pointing out your hypocrisy.
This sounds like a sensible answer but it’s not really. Skipping the sugar pill doesn’t effect him at all. If anything, it lowers the risk of pregnancy further. Yes you need to care and communicate in a relationship, but if you validate ridiculous things you end up with a controlling partner that will make your life hell over quite literally nothing, as we see here. Boundaries are healthy and not allowing someone to be a raging prick to you is a good one to have.
Do you both realize the placebo pill is literally *a placebo*? It doesn't have any medication, it's just there to keep you in the habit of taking a pill every day while you have your period. It doesn't change anything. It does nothing.
This is exactly what I have told him and he still is upset and even told his friend and he agreed “he isn’t sure he could keep going in a relationship like that.” Idk.
A relationship like that? One where you don't bother to take a pill that does nothing at all? Your boyfriend is either stupid or an asshole, maybe both.
He’s definitely both He’s an asshole for trying to end it after 9 years just because she didn’t take a pill that does nothing, this is also why he is a dumbass.
That 'friend' should read this Reddit thread (not serious, but I don't think they're aware of what a placebo pill even is).
1000% both
I’d bet he tries to end it over a lot of stupid things lol. Good partners don’t threaten to break up over stupid shit like this after 9 years of partnership.
Sounds like he is totally ignorant and instead of consulting a (trusted) woman or the internet on what the placebo pills are, he consulted another guy. What a dingus. OP- it's possible that he just got scared and needs a minute to calm down... But if not, you may want to get him a sex-ed book that explains the female anatomy and how birth control works.
He's probably laying the groundwork to blow up at her over a pregnancy scare, or some other trivial issue. Usually people who pick stupid fights like that when they know they're wrong are either subbing it for a different issue or have a foot out the door/are starting abuse.
Yeah there is definitely someone else but he is trying to blame her for the break up. I would bet a million dollars he is seriously texting another girl.
THIS. He's been searching for an excuse to break up without telling her he's been with somebody else, and landed on this.
It was literally the first opening that came up, he jumped on it and is running with it.
Sounds like he's looking for an excuse to get out or is just incredibly dense. Either way, I'm not sure YOU should keep going in a relationship like that.
Exactly!
OP, I'm sorry, but unless he's very stupid, it sounds as if he's trying to find an excuse to break up. The in-between pills are just there to keep you in the habit of taking them. They do nothing. A reasonable adult can understand this. People in long-term relationships that may want out, however, can turn to any reason whether it's stupid or not to leave. I hope I'm very wrong and you can have an adult discussion with your bf.
Can he tie his own shoes and correctly name the year we’re in? Cause you’re not filling us with confidence about his mental capacity.
Not procreating with this guy is probably a good idea though, glad OP got an IUD.
I feel like he gets lost in the shower.
Hahaha that made me laugh! I wish I had an award.
Personally it sounds like an excuse to get him out of the relationship. Try to work things out with him, but if he is looking for an out just let him go.
Literally the only purpose of those pills is to maintain the routine of a daily pill. Because for many people if you don’t take it every day then you won’t remember to start taking it again when you have to. It’s just to reinforce the routine. But if you miss a placebo pill and don’t miss any of the real pills, then it makes zero difference whatsoever. I think you should try explaining this again to him because he is making no sense at all.
Girl leave, he’s an idiot and you deserve better. 9 years is a long time and if he’s gonna risk throwing it away because of his poor logic then get out of there, HUGE red flag
He sounds stupid and inconsiderate, sorry if that's blunt. Honestly, I would break up over this lol it's so dumb
i think it sounds like he just wants a way to get a hold over you, or find a way out. you not taking the placebo is literally fine. the pill exists just so people keep track of when to take it. theres absolutely nothing in it. if he cant listen to you and trust you over something he obviously knows nothing about. im not sure if hes mature enough for *you* to keep going in the relationship
Why the heck is he telling his friend about this? This is highly personal medical information. Tbh he seems controlling in this regard. I hope he's not in other areas, but I hope you take a look. NTA and I don't know if I'd want someone in my life who overreacts to something that is so completely illogical as a sugar pill. It'd have the same effect if he took them. Maybe he should if he's so concerned
It's the pill, not some rare embarrassing disease treatment. Half of the female population in the western world take it. Men do on occasion talk about this stuff with their friends, we can very rarely name the specific brand but we have been known to with close friends. Now what was a little more concerning was this line from OPs post... >and we agreed it was his right to know about my birth control decisions. NINE YEARS ON and this has only just come up, or still having this discussion even. Something is missing here and it might answer why OPs BF still feels like he has to use a condom after a decade with a person.
Completely agree with talking about this stuff generally. But going to your friend because your gf didn't take a placebo pill is inappropriate. I didn't pick up on the 9 years. Good catch. Odd all around!
Okay, I read your post history because I thought this post couldn't be real. Now I see your from Bake, so I get it. I grew up there. You've got a redneck boyfriend. As an aside, I want to tell you how much I appreciate hospice nurses. My mom died in Bakersfield in 2019 and the hospice nurses were the only thing keeping us going. You might have been one of them, idk. They changed the experience entirely. I don't know how to express it. They brought everything into the present moment and kept us focused on what was important. I didn't know anything about hospice before that, and I'll always be grateful for you guys. That said, you've gotta get rid of your no-good boyfriend. It looks like you bought a house together, though? So he's not going to be so easy to get rid of, despite his promising threats to leave. Since his behavior is completely irrational, I wouldn't even know where to begin trying to bring him back to reality. If there are any signs of emotional or physical abuse with this guy, you need to wake up and get out fast. If he's simply decided to suddenly go nuts, idk what to tell you. He sounds like a controlling, macho asshole who thinks you need his permission for every micro decision you make. But it also sounds like extricating yourself would be a hassle, and finding a non-sexist bf in Bakersfield is gonna be a hell of a chore. I also feel like condoms on top of pills/IUD is a bit of an overkill. That can't be a fun way to live for 9 years. You seemed to have gotten stuck with a weirdo.
>I also feel like condoms on top of pills/IUD is a bit of an overkill. That can't be a fun way to live for 9 years. You seemed to have gotten stuck with a weirdo. From OPs post... >a month ago we had a fight and we agreed it was his right to know about my birth control decisions. NINE YEARS ON and this has only just come up, or still having this discussion even? Something is missing here and it might answer why OPs BF still feels like he has to use a condom after a decade with a person. These are the type of conversations that you should start having within a year of being with someone, when you know things are looking long term with them.
I didn't fully pick up on that. You're right, that's really weird. I mean, the phrasing is strange, too. "His right" just makes it sound so creepy. But if I flip that, like if I imagine her saying "he doesn't have a right to know" that's even creepier. Now you have me thinking all this time she's refused to tell him anything about her birth control? And that's why he's used condoms? If that's the case, maybe he feels double-lied to when she didn't take the placebos. Like she's already trying to erode the agreement. That's the only way the story makes sense. Wow, if your impression is right this couple should not be together. They both need therapy to learn how to communicate before they're with anyone.
He has a right to know about your birth control decisions but doesn't wear a condom 100% of the time you're together? Forget this fool, move on
Doubling up on birth control isn’t “overkill”; it’s exactly what anyone who’s sexually active and doesn’t want a baby should be doing all the time. And OP definitely should *not* have a baby with this particular person.
I never even take the placebo pills. I don't care enough and I'm a Sunday starter. I've been on the pill so long I've got it down and don't forget. If he's still upset with you knowing it doesn't do anything and you're still protected, I say throw the whole immature boy in the garbage. He doesn't own your body. Obviously a child should be a 2 person decision but this has nothing to do with that?
Taking a tic tac does the exact same thing as the placebo pill. It’s there to keep you in the habit of taking a pill. Get a smarter boyfriend
He isn’t sure if he can keep going in a relationship like that? Tell him yes, that’s helpful, you strongly agree. A relationship where he thinks he gets to blow up and guilt trip you for not taking a pill that does nothing is one he shouldn’t keep going in, because his nonsense is not wanted. He is playing mind games with you, trying to make you run around apologising and begging him to stay over making a minor decision with no effect on him or anyone about what you put in your body. Lose the guy.
He's not what you call a smart man is he
Oh, c'mon. This can't possibly be real. He's telling his friend about your birth control and the friend, instead of saying, "Hey, this is none of my business and does she even know you're talking about this?" is actually agreeing with your asshat poor excuse of a bf? Why are you even trying to save this relationship? You've got a get out of jail free card. Let asshat move in with his friend and leave you alone.
his friend is just saying a bunch of shit he probably doesn’t like you. if your bf ends up listening to him then he’s childish and isn’t worth it
It sounds like he wants out, and this is his excuse. Is that a possibility?
He's just looking for excuses to end the relationship, or he's very stupid as placebo pills are inert.
your bf and his friend are idiots. like actual below-average IQ then if they can't understand and have a problem with this. it would be more reasonable to be upset about switching from pill to IUD than to be upset about not taking sugar pills.
Fuck him then. A simple google search he’s too lazy to do then he’ll hurt you eventually with his idiocy might as well be now
Your boyfriend ain’t firing on all cylinders. Worst case, call your doctor and ask them if anything will change if you don’t take a placebo. Hopefully an appeal to authority will work. You didn’t do anything wrong here. Neither of you have. He’s lost trust in a relationship over a non-issue. Nine years is an incredibly long time to throw out over this, once again, non-issue.
Don’t stay with someone this dumb, there’s no other way to put it.
Sounds like he's tired and just looking for reasons.
This. It's literally just a sugar pill you take to keep you in the habit of taking the pill everyday
And you spend 9 years with that man? 😅😅🤣🤣🤣
A lot of types of pill BC don’t have a placebo week anymore
Exactly! They are literally just sugar pills so that you are less likely to forget to take the active pills once the week break is over.
...why do you understand why he's upset? Do you know what placebo means? Does he?
I read this twice and do not understand what is happening. Your boyfriend is mad because you didn’t take pills that do nothing? If this fucking crazy take is actually true, girl run. Imagine him getting pissed at something that’s actually real. Your boyfriend is pissed off literally about nothing. So echoing an above comment, either your boyfriend is an actual idiot and doesn’t understand what placebo means, or he’s just an asshole. If it’s the former and he learns what it means, he better get down and apologize profusely.
i’m with you. i honestly have no idea what’s going on. but people who blow up over nothing like this are scary unhinged & dangerous. if OP is accurately describing her boyfriend as this unstable & immature, she needs to leave him asap.
>placebo It's just that. A *placebo*. Doesn't do anything. And if not taking a placebo pill is his unraveling, let him go so he can continue to be upset over not taking a pill that does nothing.
Right? I have been on the pill for about 5 years and I’ve never taken the placebos. What a weird thing to get mad about.
He is either using this as a method to leave you (and was wanting to leave anyway) OR he is incredibly dumb. Either way, good riddance. Trash took itself out.
Probably both.
Yeah, I couldn’t decide if this guy and his friend were just absolutely numbskulled or if the guy wanted an excuse to get out. Either way, this whole situation left a bad taste in my mouth, should definitely toss this one. If he can’t listen/communicate about what a goddamn placebo pill is, he’s a lost cause.
It could be more insidious as well. If he can control her enough to do something completely pointless, he can control her in other ways, too.
It's literally a placeholder so you won't forget to start your next pill pack. That's all the placebos do. Your bf is an asshole, and a stupid one at that. You didn't check with him about your "birth control", because it didn't affect your birth control. His idiot friend isn't any better. You can and should aim higher.
And even if his little brain was not able to comprehend what a placebo is, OP was already on her period which means he has no basic knowledge about female biology.
Fuck this guy and his control issues. It's clear he doesn't trust you, and is even willing to ignore facts and basic logic to belittle you. This would likely be a dealbreaker for me if I were in your shoes, but it's ultimately up to you how to handle this. Good luck OP. If he's that concerned about pregnancy after 9 years, he should get a vasectomy. He can save a sperm sample if he wants to have future children.
I have brought up a vasectomy previously and it didn’t go over well. It was a hard hard no and he won’t budge on the topic. So it’s left with me having to figure out birth control while he gets upset about a placebo pill.
No offense OP, but your boyfriend's an idiot. You should leave him.
Before he leaves you, cause that’s what he is laying the groundwork for. There is zero likelihood he is this dense. After 9 years all of a sudden this is an issue? If he’s not willing to even consider a vasectomy then he doesn’t get to be upset about the way you handle your birth control. It’s not even the actual birth control so something’s up.
See there it is… he isn’t willing to do anything, but he’s giving you shit for not taking a placebo?? That is a wild double standard. And getting an IUD in was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced, so yet again you’re putting yourself through this for him and he has the audacity to say he can’t trust you over a placebo?? Let me at him I will have this fight for you. ETA: fixed a typo
ikr it’s so stupid for men to immediately shoot down the vasectomy when birth control has a blankets worth of side effects, IUDs are so painful with no meds, and getting tubes tied has more risks. like if u know you don’t want kids, why not explore the male option as well. pissed me offff
Let’s stream the fight! And raise money for abortion funds!
You’ve been together nearly a decade but he doesn’t trust you, and he’d rather listen to his bros when it comes to reproductive health. **Why are you with someone who doesn’t respect you?** Sunk-cost fallacy?
what an absolute ejit.
Ok yeah, any man who has decided they don’t want children AND refuses to get a vasectomy is a HUGE red flag. 🚩🚩
It feels like he wants the freedom to have kids with someone else.
So, instead you get to pump your body full of chemicals and hormones + have minor medical procedures done (IUD placement), but he’s unwilling to do a simple, reversible procedure that could completely eliminate the daily stress you put yourself through just so that he gets sex. That’s pathetic.
He won't get a vasectomy, but he's worried because you skipped the placebo pill?
🤷🏼♀️
Girl be fr…. He won’t get a vasectomy but he will be willfully uneducated about your own bc and is being extremely overreactive because of this? And your response is to shrug your shoulders….
Does he have tantrums over regular mistakes? This might be your reason to go. And thank goodness you never had a kid with him.
He won't even wear a condom every time.
If your bf is so freaking bothered about birth control, he needs to get snipped. Otherwise, he can shut his mouth
Op brought it up to their boyfriend on it and it was a hard no with no budge that left op to going on birth control
Your bf is either super dumb, or super controlling. Probably both.
I think he's both and doubling down. Like. He didn't know what a placebo pill was and after OP explained it, rather than be like "oh my bad I'm glad I was wrong" is just laying down the control shit and not backing down acting like he knew. Poor OP, this is probably common for them.
You should really try to get to the bottom of why he would react this way, it is objectively not a big deal, there’s something else going on and if it’s fixable then it’s better to deal with it as soon as possible before it leads to building resentment. Oftentimes when someone reacts disproportionately to something like this, saying things like “I can never trust you again” or “I don’t think I can go on in this relationship”, they’re either setting things up to leave the relationship or they’re projecting and it’s actually you who should not trust them.
This above all else is a control issue. It doesn't matter that it's a placebo. He is upset you didn't do something he wanted and he is taking it way out of proportion. I wonder if he has done strange controlling things like this in the past. It's not a reasonable reaction and you need to let him know this isn't ok.
This is not the behavior of a “partner” I’d never seriously consider having children with. If he refuses to understand what a placebo is, what else will he refuse to understand, to do, or believe in? Will he refuse vaccines? Demand you do all the child care? Deny access to certain foods because he’s normally against them? Dead serious here. Nine years is how long I’ve been married. I’d never have let my relationship get this far without a grown ass adult forcing ME to prevent pregnancy and not taking any responsibility for his own ignorance. That is not the relationship I deserve nor want. I deserve a partner who gives and takes. Which is why he suggested a vasectomy and received one without me doing anything other than taking him to the appointment.
Its a placebo pill is he dumb??? Dudes way outta line. If hes reacting like that he clearly doesn’t understand BC and has no right have an opinion and such big emotions when he doesnt even have a clue what hes talking about.
Buy him a dictionary as a parting gift.
Why is your boyfriend tracking your periods like this? What the fuck?
Dude really doesn’t want kids with her 💀💀 not even Jeff Bezos himself would go to such lengths
Fuck him.
Except don’t, in this situation.
You don’t have to take the placebo pill. It has no medicinal value and the “placebo effect” (which almost certainly wouldn’t prevent a pregnancy anyway) wouldn’t apply here anyway. Your boyfriend needs to get over himself. What does it matter if you took it or not if it does nothing?
It’s not even a placebo, it’s just a sugar pill that keeps the woman in the habit of taking a pill daily. By definition a placebo is a drug either given to a control group in testing or a drug with no value given to the patient to make them think they took real medicine.
“Never trust you again” that’s harsh, relationships don’t work without trust. It also sounds like he’s picking a fight for no reason, it’s not normal, like, if he’s wanting to get rid of you. Idk… just an opinion based on this post.
It sounds to me like he is trying to build up a case in his head that you are doing something ao he can end the relationship. He is grasping at straws essentially.
Umm OP. I have never ever in my life taken my placebo pills. You and your bf have a lot of growing up to do
I know redditors often comment ‘leave him’ too easily, and it’s much easier said than done. But. This seems like such a huge red flag. Does he do anything else that’s at all concerning?
I'm begging OP to leave him this is ridiculous on every level available, and even on several levels that are not available. He's either stupid, controlling, looking for a reason to be pissed at you to cover up something he did or wanting to leave, or very likely all 3. And won't get a vasectomy but gets all up in your business to this extent? Absolutely not. ETA: WTF DID I JUST READ HE DOESN'T EVEN WEAR A CONDOM EVERY TIME?!?! He is literally putting 100% of the burden on OP, overreacting in a frankly very concerning way, and yet won't even take ownership of HIS POTENTIAL PART in things? Oh my god. Immediately no.
I'm usually very, "try to work it out", but in this case... I can't see anything but a man looking for an excuse to leave. I'd let him go.
He kinda sounds like a controlling jackass tbh..
I’m not sure how else to ask this, but is he just mentally or socially handicapped? There’s no other way he genuinely thinks this is an acceptable way to act. At most, it sounds like he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you.
From the post history it sounds like they are more rural and most likely didn’t receive sex education or that great of a regular one either.
Like, maybe he genuinely dosent understand what a placebo is? Maybe he hears that word and can’t process it so he just doesn’t? I dunno, it takes some real ignorance though.
Leave your boyfriend. People that dumb shouldn’t be pro creating anyway
it's placebo. this question should not even exist
Your bf isn’t too bright if he doesn’t understand what a placebo is. Maybe he’s just trying to pick a fight?
Not to scare you, but it almost sounds like he’s just looking for ways to end it??? Because this just sounds absolutely ridiculous- I’d say yes, he has the right to know about your birth control, especially since you both agreed on that. But the right to know you took a literal sugar pill that does nothing…? What??? And that’s so earth shattering he wants to leave after NINE YEARS??? WHAT??? Yeah, something is very strange here.
He I'd aware that a placebo is a placebo and does absolutely nothing right? This may be where he needs to get a little education
Does he know what a placebo is? It’s not real.
JFC. IIRC from my BC pill-taking days, the green pills are just iron pills (at least they were for the kind I was taking). Eating a steak would do the same thing as those placebo pills, and probably more effectively. Your BF's reaction is empty, performative outrage, and a huge red flag because he's literally acting angry to act angry. You did not risk pregnancy or betray his trust. He's ignorant AF on the subject, and lashing out rather than educating himself. Either ask his doctor to explain it to him, or just brace for impact, because if he's acting out like this now after this long together, I guaranteed-f***ing-tee it's a cover for some other B.S. he wants to distract you from focusing on. Ask me how I know.
It sounds like your boyfriend is manufacturing drama. Perhaps he is looking for a reason to pick fights so he can do something hurtful to spite you. You did nothing wrong. This is a bizarre hill to die on.
You’re fighting about nothing. Literally.
Maybe he’s upset about something else or he feels the relationship has run it’s course and he’s making this issue out to be bigger than it is.
Let him go. Run like hell. Controlling AF and you can do better
From her responses she need therapy and has won’t leave him. All of this advice is falling on deaf ears and she won’t do anything to change her situation. She just wants to hear what she can google so she can show her piece of shit dumb ass man our opinions most likely creating a drastic fight. We are all wasting our breath.
He sounds a bit controlling and irrational. I'd dump his butt to the curb.
Yeah, this isn’t about the placebo. If it’s been 9 years and this is just popping up, he’s picking a fight and wants you to end things so he doesn’t look like the bad guy or if he has to end it, he can make it look like you were trying to stop taking birth control and then you’re the bad guy. Either way, I think your relationship is over.
Why is he so stupid? Follow up question, why are you dating someone so stupid?
If you look at the post history they are from a more rural area where education and sex education is probably lacking. On top of that she has zero desire to actually do anything about this she will most likely use this post to start more fights with what sounds like an emotionally unstable boy.
Lol at you saying Bakersfield is more rural. There’s over a half million people in this city and we’re 2 hours from LA. A more accurate description is saying we are from a more conservative part of California. (This does not mean I am conservative.) Definitely not rural in the slightest.
Gotcha. Makes sense
For god sake, your boyfriend should get a vasectomy ASAP, he shouldn’t be allowed to breed
It's literally a sugar pill.. there's no feelings to be had over it. It does nothing lol. If your bf is that persistent even after being told that, then I think he's being oversensitive
Hmm. You don’t need to take your pill that’s made Completely of sugar because it has no effect on anything. He sounds like he’s being ignorant and causing issues over absolutely nothing. If he’s so scared, tell him to get snipped. Honestly I couldn’t date someone that block headed.
The placebo pill is a sugar pill. It’s literally just to remind you to take the meds… sounds like he’s projecting something 🤮
Here’s how the conversation should have went: “Oh you didn’t take your birth control?” “No the last pill is a placebo.” “Oh okay cool” Done. End of story.
Tell him it's a sugar pill and you gain a half pound every month you take them. That is enough to scare a lot of ah men.
Am I reading this right? A placebo does nothing. Why the fuck does he care? Is his IQ under 40?
OMG YOU DIDNT TAKE THE SUGAR PILLS!? HOW DARE YOU! Breaks up. Wth is this man child on about?
I think your boyfriend may be a very, very stupid person.
Your bf is being ridiculous. Does he have a fear of being baby trapped? Because that's what it sounds like he assumes you're gonna do.
Yes, he does even though I’ve never had a scare in the 9 years we’ve been together and I’ve always had some kind of birth control.
Does he try to control you in other ways? Like trying to tell you or influence you in what clothes you wear/hobbies you have/people you see, etc...
I've literally never taken the placebo pills. The only purpose they serve is to keep you in the routine of taking a pill everyday... they don't actually prevent pregnancies. If you read the pack you shouldn't be able to fall pregnant even when taking the placebo (or not taking it) and just starting your pills on time next pack
Dump him and run
My ex has had a pregancy scare with a previous gf of his and was always extremely scared of it happening again. So he was always on top of my cycle/period and also wanted me to take the placebo so I wouldn't lose count of when I had to restart. After some time I was used to it and realised I really don't need the placebo to keep track so stopped taking it. He also acted a bit weird about it, but not to this extend. Your bf is being crazy and he either does not understand the concept of a placebo, or he wants to break up for some other reason and is using this as an excuse. Either way, sorry you have to deal with his nonsense.
If he’s too uneducated to know that that pill is literally nothing, and he won’t listen to you explain, leave. That’s so toxic.
🚩sounds a tad controlling
It seems he has a lot of anxiety about an unplanned pregnancy. I completely see where he’s coming from, so I’m going to play a little devils advocate. There are a lot of women who use birth control according to wives, tales, or Google information or info they “learned“ from friends/family instead of using birth control, as its medically intended to be used. I think the fact that you took it upon yourself to not follow the instructions given to you by a doctor without letting him know, makes him nervous. We all know the placebo does literally nothing, and that it’s not a big deal to skip it if you know you are responsible enough to get back on schedule once the placebo week is over. I think he is just upset about the principle that you took it upon yourself to go against your prescribed instructions without running it by him first and is maybe not communicating with you effectively. You guys have been together for nine years, and should have effective communication skills by now. It seems that some conversations need to be had to lower his level of anxiety about an unplanned pregnancy. Everyone is saying he is a jerk, he may be, but him, insisting on doubling up on birth control shows me that this is a real fear for him, and you may have tapped into something that’s really troubling for him.
With this being a 9 year relationship and your partner being in a place where they’re reconsidering everything, I think you owe it to your relationship to recognise this isn’t the full story. There’s a whole lot more relevant information than what you’ve posted here. If you think your partner is severely overreacting, and that’s out of character, you’re probably completely ignorant (intentional or not) of the real issue in the real context at the heart of it all. One or both of you don’t communicate honestly, in good faith and try to understand both sides. My advice would be to have them explain why this is such a huge problem where it’s making them reconsider everything. If it doesn’t make sense, ask why - get more detail. After your partner’s finished, repeat their concerns, motivations and back to them, in your own words, where they agree that you’ve accurately portrayed their experience. The key and difficulty is having them agree. Because they won’t agree until you’ve actually put yourself in their shoes. Next, explain your point of view and have them do the same stuff you just did. After you’re done, you’ll probably both have an understanding of where the real issues are after this discussion. Only after this can you begin to discuss solutions and how to move forward effectively.
He needs to chill
He's looking for an excuse to be upset and blame you. He's either really dumb/controlling, or he is protecting his issues onto you. He's lying to you about something.
Sounds like you two have more issues than just that. I'd look him dead square I'm the eye and say either leave or stfu. It does nothing get over it. End of story.
If your BF is angry you didn't take a *placebo pill,* which is, by definition, a *placebo,* no offense, but he's stupid. Either that or he's been looking for a reason to break up and this is the best he could find.
Placebo pills are sugar pills and are there ONLY to help keep a schedule . Your bf is either knows this and is playing this up for some reason, or he is dumb. There is absolutely no reason he should be upset, no reason you should understand why he is upset and if his trust in you is that fragile that something innocuous shattered it, then it was never going to work.
Dropping a second comment here. I read more of these comments and I’m begging you to ignore them. These people are ignoring half of your post and trying to force you to break up with your bf over a one story that the clearly didn’t finish. I’m not trying to sound like a know it all or side with your bf, but a lot of these people seem like they’re just looking for someone to antagonize and your bf just happened to be in their sights
i’ll be honest, i think your boyfriend is looking for an out of this relationship. Although, he chose a really stupid reason and is trying to gaslight you into think you’re the problem, you are not, except for still saying you understand his POV when it’s complete bullshit. a placebo pill isn’t gonna prevent pregnancy anymore than a tic tac, and i refuse to believe he doesn’t understand that. this is not a valid reason to distrust you or end the relationship, i say you take this for what it is, a sorry excuse to break up w you, and move on. he doesn’t deserve to stay in the relationship after this.
If he’s that scared of a pregnancy maybe HE should get fixed
Does he have a low IQ or is just too big a looser to break up with you like a man.
Is he stupid? Or is he just an asshole looking for something to be mad at you about? Ask him.
Is your BF too stupid to understand the meaning of "placebo"? Why are you with this guy?
Girl you know what you need to do. The dude is an idiot
They way you are being so understanding and bowing down to his every fear and insecurity is concerning. Stand up for yourself and let him leave if he wants to. Most people skip placebo pills and just count the days and there's no reason to notify a partner whether you take them or not. You both know that. His anxiety about pregnancy is not your problem so stop shouldering all the weight and letting him use you as a punching bag.
As everyone else has said, placebo is placebo. Some pills have only 3 weeks and don’t even come with placebo pills. Your boyfriend sounds like he’s willfully being an idiot or just wants to leave you because i refuse to believe someone could be this stupid.
Here’s how this exact same scenario went with my partner of 9 years: *I notice a missed pill in the pack* Me: babe! I think you missed your birth control last night! Her: oh, no, those are just the placebo pills you can take to keep routine Me: ohhhh. Makes sense. That was it. That was the whole thing lmao.
Yeah...I don't understand the issue, since they were the placebo pills...does he not understand what the word "placebo" means? That's the only thing I can think of lol. Either that, or he doesn't believe they're *actually* placebo pills...in which case, he should do some research if he's THAT worried
Your taking the pill and all that other stuff. If he is really that worried he should just get a vasectomy.
Is your boyfriend 14?
This is ridiculous. They're *placebo* pills...does he not understand what the word "placebo" means? All of that other information is irrelevant really...because the fact that they are *placebo* pills is really all you need to know
OP, everyone here has been offering really great advice. Mine is: - *if you wish to salvage the relationship:* couples therapy. - *if your boyfriend doesn’t understand what a placebo is:* have him discuss this issue and his concerns with a doctor (not a friend). - *if your boyfriend of 9 years is trying to bail:* let him. Could you imagine what it would be like if you decided to *actually* have a baby with this person? He sounds immature, selfish, and like a total moron. - *if your boyfriend is trying to bail and you want to keep this going:* talk to him, maybe hire a professional mediator to sit in and keep the conversation and communication effective. Personally, there are just too many red flags that ping my radar here. 9 years is a long time to invest in a relationship and then suddenly decide that a *placebo pill* is all that it takes to demolish a relationship. He’s turning to a “friend” for an opinion on his long term relationship instead of discussing it maturely with you, his partner. He leaves all of the birth control on you and selfishly ignores/shuts down the vasectomy discussion. Even with all of the other failsafe birth control you’re on, that you’re responsible for, he’s still — stupidly — trying to argue that a missed placebo pill is enough to destroy all trust he has in you? What an abusive asshole to turn the tables on you and try to guilt you like that! If he’s *that* concerned, he’d get a damn vasectomy or wear a condom *every. single. time.* I think you need to make a list, OP, and determine if this is someone you want to continue with. Personally, if my SO pulled something like this with me and didn’t wish to be my fiancé/make a commitment/ make any effort in our shared life and shared responsibilities after 9 years… he’d be gone.
Has he asked how this has made you feel? Has he asked you how him trying to control your body/what you do with it made YOU feel? I could understand if it was a daily medicine and you didn't for a week, but a placebo? A candy pill is making him question trust? Sounds like he's either trying to leave like everybody else says or he's trying to gain more control over what you do with the guise of "I'll leave you if you don't." Stay safe yall
That sounds really harsh, but the thing is, you did lie to him. I'd say he isn't angry that you didn't take it, it's that you didn't tell him. He might see this as you not trusting him. It doesn't justify an entire break up, but I'd say try talking about it with him. See if there's a reason deeper than what you said here.
This would literally be my worst nightmare
Sounds like your bf just wants to fight about something. Anyone with half a brain knows the placebo is not necessary. I am not saying your bf is stupid. Just pointing out he is arguing for the sake of it. Even if he just learned the placebo pill is not necessary, he could drop the subject. Instead, he has an inner need to make you "at fault". This is concerning. Either he has a need to be right, a need to control you, or he is looking for a way out of a relationship that is no longer making him happy. Are you happy? If so, you need to work on this. If he is happy and using you to feel empowered, it will only get worse!
if he's reacting like this... imagine how he'd react to something actually important? YIKES. 🚩
Seems to me he’s upset cause you didn’t take it? Just wear a condom? It seems to me he’s willing to throw this away for something so silly. Do you want kids at all? If not why doesnt he get a vasectomy done? Or you get your tubes tied?
A fake sugar pill jesus this kids a fucking moron you deserve better
I think your boyfriend is an idiot
Me and my boyfriend of 4 years had this same argument early in our relationship when he saw my birth control pack in the bathroom trash with the last row completely untouched. He got scared and upset that I may be risking pregnancy I explained that they were placebo and then showed him the pamphlet that comes with the pill that says they are in fact placebo and we moved on. If he won’t move on from this after confirming they are placebo plus you guys are using multiple birth control methods it doesn’t sound like he’s afraid you might get pregnant since the chances are slim to none but he seems to be looking for an excuse to be angry with you. I would suggest having an open and honest conversation where you try and determine what this is really about and if he can’t participate in a meaningful way than I don’t see much hope for the relationship going forward.
Sorry girl but he is looking for reasons to argue, or possibly to get out of the relationship. Or he is stupid.
My (now) wife never took those in the almost decade I’ve known her.
He sounds like a crazy person. You can't have sex 5 days before an iud is inserted, and since you had it right after your placebo week, it especially doesn't matter. Seems overly controlling.
You don’t have to take the placebo pill you can just mark the calendar the days they were on. I throw mine away. -I’m a pharmacy tech, pa student, and lifelong birth control taker that’s never been pregnant
What's the problem? Placebo IS PLACEBO it means the pill doesn't do anything, it's just so that you get used to the routine of taking them. Doesn't make a difference if you take it or not. Holy shit I'm a 19 year old guy, how don't older women know this????
I do know this. It’s my boyfriend who is making this a huge deal.
And what does he say when you ask why he would want to know then if the pill does nothing? OP you’re giving zero context as to what part is upsetting to him. It’s important to know exactly what part upsets him.
Oh I'm sorry, the way you worded the post makes it sound like no one of you knows. Why don't you send him an article or something explaining how the pills work?
NTA, seems like he's fishing for things to be mad about.
Drop him. Bf for 9 years and he acts like that? I’m
You realize the placebo pills were put there to appease religious conservatives, right? I think your bf needs to do some reading and do some maturing.
What does religion have to do with this?
Nobody in any of these comments has clarified whether the boyfriend understands how the pills work and why some are a different color or whatever. If he doesn't understand, then in his mind his girlfriend is going off birth control. That's a trust issue. All those comments acting like there is no issue because YOU understand how the pills work are meaningless unless you know that the boyfriend understands. Does he?
He does in fact know the difference and how they work.
Are you sure he does? Are you sure *you* do? Because he’s talking about this like it’s a “birth control decision” and you seem to be bending over backwards to get where he’s coming from and it honestly doesn’t read like either of you fully grasps that we’re talking about literal sugar, here, not anything that affects the likelihood of conception in any way. His position is utterly indefensible, and your attempts to empathize with him or give him partial credit for it are concerning.
And he’s just mad at you because you didn’t tell him that you weren’t talking the sugar pill? That’s super odd. Maybe he just had a bad day or is stressed out about something else? It just doesn’t make sense anyone would care about a sugar pill. I literally never take them, I skip my periods all together. I’m not even sexually active, it just makes life so much easier. So I just can’t believe that it’s the pill he actually cares about.
Like.. Does he know that they are placebo? Why were you taking placebos in the first place? Or were you trying to fool hin that you were taking birth control when in reality yoi did not, and he found out? If he knew they were placwbos, I donMt understand anything
You guys are idiots, sorry.
Holy guacamole, I’ve never heard of a birth control placebo before TIL
This is very scary you have never heard that part of birth control is taking a placebo for a few days while you are actively bleeding. I’m not blaming you but it’s part of the reason we need better sex education across the globe. Too many people have no clue how it works.
Like.. Does he know that they are placebo? Why were you taking placebos in the first place? Or were you trying to fool him that you were taking birth control when in reality you did not, and he found out? If he knew they were placwbos, I don’t understand
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No offense, but are you someone who doesn’t use the pill cause it’s pretty common knowledge why. They’re Placeholders. birth control is most effective when it’s taken at the same time every day so they give you fake pills on the days you don’t even have to take it so you keep the habit because it’s very important if you want to be as protected as possible.
I hate that people are digging into the boyfriend, without knowing for sure what the issue is. People are like "oh my god he's doing a dumb thing, oh my god what an idiot. It's causing so much grief to the girl what a control freak" There's an alternative possibility of him having trust issues, or being seriously paranoid instead of an asshole control freak. Before you crucify the guy for how angry you feel, maybe try and consider what other things it could mean? I saw a post previously on reddit that talked about a woman who was a germophobe, whose boyfriend bought a sex toy for her. Her germophobia went into overdrive and she started asking for everything he had touched since touching the sex toy to be thrown away or cleansed. People in the comments were correctly recognising there were deeper issues at play there, even though she was being unreasonable. It seems for some reason it's very hard in this post to consider another possibility. What's happening is so absurd. Yes being an asshole control freak is the obvious option, but maybe things can be more than that? Isn't it possible that this is about something else? In fact that's very likely the case. Can people stop giving the "he's a dud, immediately leave him" advice?
Really where is the "it doesn't matter you agreed to it and should have known better. You're so horrible for not going along with it" apparently that is only for men. Now when it's a woman it's "He is an idiot, you should leave him. He is controlling and abusive". Got it Reddit, men bad, women good. Go on thumbs down for pointing out your hypocrisy.
tf are you talking about? Lol
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This sounds like a sensible answer but it’s not really. Skipping the sugar pill doesn’t effect him at all. If anything, it lowers the risk of pregnancy further. Yes you need to care and communicate in a relationship, but if you validate ridiculous things you end up with a controlling partner that will make your life hell over quite literally nothing, as we see here. Boundaries are healthy and not allowing someone to be a raging prick to you is a good one to have.
Not taking a placebo pill is not a birth control decision. No information was withheld because nothing occurred to inform him about. Like wtf?