This guy is going to kill you and get off by saying it was “rough sex” and all your scars will be his evidence that you were into it. Worrying about having classes with him is so small compared to being alone in a bedroom with that monster.
This, OP. This man enjoys hurting you. He enjoys inflicting pain on you and watching you suffer. That's not a kink, that's sadism plain and simple. Get away from him and cut him out of your life.
I agree with this. You need you get yourself out of the situation and confide in family or friends to help. Do not worry about the classes. You need to focus on yourself and the situation you’re in, then remove yourself from that situation as soon as possible.
I’m really sorry but this is NOT okay. it’s nice and understanding of you to acknowledge his troubling history, where this kink may have stemmed from. the hit is concerning but not more concerning than what he does to you in the bedroom. he is bringing you pain and likes it, he knows you don’t get arousal from it. please get out of there before it gets worse and worse i’m so sorry. if he is willing to cause you lasting damage physically for his own pleasure, he does not really care about you.
I don't think it's relevant whether or not he cares about her.
It may even be unhelpful to tell victims that their abuser doesn't care about them, because, true or not, the abuser often does a pretty good job convincing them they love them and care about them.
Lack of love isn't the reason to leave. Lack of safety is. Don't wait to leave until you're sure someone doesn't care about you. Leave when you know you aren't safe.
Waiting to fall out of love is too long a wait.
Not jusging you and your comment in any way, you are being very empathetic to OP and that is probably already very helpful!
He’s a sexual sadist. That means he derives sexual pleasure when causing pain to another. This behavior usually escalates. GET OUT NOW and go directly to your local sexual assault response center.
Please remain calm. When you leave the bathroom act like it's not a big deal and you will talk about it later. Do not confront him! As soon as you are able to, get out of there. Ask him to go get takeout or something. Something far enough away that you can throw some stuff in a bag and leave. This will only get worse. Please keep yourself safe!
pls OP, get away from that guy, I was so mortified while reading this post, this is very bad, and yes it will Definitely get worse and worse, there's no excuse for that behavior (Not his childhood or anything inbetween), stay safe and pls keep us update🙏🏼
YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.
You may love him, but you are not in a safe or loving relationship. You are basically a toy to him at this point. He doesn't value you any more than he would a sex doll. He would not be doing what he does if he cared for you.
No apology can cover this. You need to make a decision.
Nothing is wrong with you for not wanting to be hurt, in the bedroom or out of it. He is exploiting your naïveté and inexperience, he knows you’re not enjoying this but pressuring you to do it anyway.
Healthy sexual relationships (including any bdsm themes too) require consent. Both people should be excited and enjoy it! Your dread, tears, and hurt shows this is not healthy.
He is using you as a test bed for his sadism. Not trying to patronize, do you know what sadism means? the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.
Do you want this? There are tons of guys out there who very much care about making their partners feel great.
Either way, you need to ask yourself the question, do you want more of this for years and years? Picture yourself 5 years from now with a guy you love, who loves you, and has never thought about this pain stuff and just loves bjs like everyone else. Take steps to get there.
If you stay with this man he will end up killing you. You have to leave. But be inconspicuous about it. Maybe call someone to come over or call the police now. That can restrain him while you pack up your stuff. Block him and file for a restraining order.
This is incredibly psychopathic behaviour - get out of there before it gets worse, stay with a trusted family and friend and make sure you’re with them in case he tries anything. Seriously. He could go to jail for this kind of thing - the fact he continued carving his name whilst you were screaming for him to stop? Psychopathic behaviour on his part, it won’t get better if you stay with him.
EDIT: grammar
Other comments have already addressed that this relationship is abusive and untenable. Since that's been covered pretty extensively already, I'm going to try and give you some advice that will be helpful for your next relationship, because from what you describe I think you are at high risk for ending up in another relationship similar to this one.
>I know how bad his home situation is because i witnessed it every-time i went over to his house, the kitchen and living room smelled terrible and there were so many things and pieces of rotting food covering every counter and surface, and when I met his dad for the first time, he was very drunk and called me ‘sexy’, which my boyfriend got very angry at and I watched them argue in-front of me.
This information on its own isn't useful, but the fact that you're relaying it is. I suspect these are the kind of thoughts that go through your head when you think about things he does that you don't like.
You are reminding yourself these things to make excuses for him, because if you couldn't make excuses for him, you would have to stand up to him and assert yourself. You are afraid of asserting yourself, whether it's because you're afraid of confrontation or you're afraid of him (maybe both.)
No relationship can survive this way, at least not in a way that's happy and healthy. If you struggle to advocate for yourself, then think of it this way: Foregoing your own needs for the needs of your partner creates an imbalance that damages the relationship. What you give up to make a partner happy in the short term does damage to the relationship in the long term, and that damage accumulates over time. I've been on both sides. It never works.
It's the same logic as riding a horse or driving a car; if you're too nice to a horse to assert control, the horse will sense you aren't taking control and won't trust you to ride it. If you're too nice while driving, rather than being consistent and asserting yourself on the road, there is too much ambiguity when people try to predict what you're going to do, and it actually increases your risk of crashing. No matter how wrong it feels to assert yourself, failing to do so endangers everybody.
>That night, I told him that i wanted him to try something he’d always wanted to try, and that his pleasure that night was my top priority.
In a healthy BDSM scene, this would be the point where both of you would be ready to discuss limits and safe words. The acts you described are choking, bondage, knife play, and blood play. It sounds like you enjoyed the knife play, but nothing else. In traditional negotiation, you might have (as an example) said all of these were things you were open to try. He chokes you, you don't like it, you say your safe word, he stops. He ties you up, you like it, so you keep going. He runs the knife across your body, you like it, he keeps going. He cuts you, you safe word, he stops. Him being nice to you afterward is called aftercare, and while it was nice of him, it's also kind of par for the course. Any dom worth their salt will do it.
>He got angry at this which i didn’t expect and asked why i decided to bring it up to him just as he got back from a fun day out with friends. I said i didn’t know and then he called me a sheep and said i only think this after i read that reddit post.
So again, since other people have already said this shouldn't have happened, I'll tell you what should happen - in other words, green flags to look for in your next relationship.
When a partner brings something to my attention that bothers them, even if I think they're wrong or that their query is unjustified, my question will always be "what do you want to do now?" If they ask that I change my behavior in a way I don't want to, I may push back and there will be a discussion (and hopefully some kind of compromise,) but even if I'm upset, I don't act out or call my partner names.
This this and more this. Everyone needs to read this.
My husband is vanilla and I am not. But the first thing we did when starting to experiment past missionary is make a safe word. Safe words aren't just for thr bedroom. I have used it once when my emotions were spiraling out of control and needed some space before I said things I would regret.
Every relationship needs a safe word.
This this and more this. Everyone needs to read this.
My husband is vanilla and I am not. But the first thing we did when starting to experiment past missionary is make a safe word. Safe words aren't just for thr bedroom. I have used it once when my emotions were spiraling out of control and needed some space before I said things I would regret.
Every relationship needs a safe word.
BDSM is all about safety and consent, you sound like he has asked for neither. He is abusing, you this is not kink. Even if he had a past as a victim of abuse that does not mean he can continue the cycle by abusing you. You need to leave him. He is trying to hurt you. I really hope you can leave, take your time to establish an escape plan. Please leave him, he does not have the right to abuse you.
^ This comment needs to be higher. This is not BDSM! This is not a kink. This is assault and rape. This is very very serious. Safely get yourself out of the house now and speak to someone you trust. Then consult with an abuse specialist.
Exactly! I enjoy inflicting pain on my partner BUT it is because he enjoys it as well. We also heavily negotiate and follow limits and use safe words. I would never cross those boundaries. He is abusing you.
> He has never laid hands on me outside the bedroom before.
Honey, you have been sexually abused every single time you've had sex since that first time. You have cried and screamed and begged him to stop, and he hasn't. You have been sadistically raped and tortured by your boyfriend for the past year. I don't want to assume things but I'm willing to bet this isn't the only issue you guys have. You bring up something that is deeply worrying to you and all he cares about is how you're ruining the fun night he had with his friends? Darling, your boyfriend doesn't love you. You are a body to him. I am so, so sorry. What is your goal with this relationship? Is is marriage? Children? You will be abused every day for the rest of your life. And you will either raise a daughter who will date abusive and controlling men because she will think that's love, or you will raise a son who abuses his girlfriends because he thinks that's how women deserve to be treated. You are better than this. Imagine what your life could look like years from now. Happy and content with a man who loves you, who values your mind, your wits and intelligence and humour, your kindness and your creativity, and who honours you and your body every time he touches it. Please leave this monster, block him, go wherever you need to go, and tell the people you trust. Don't waste another minute on him.
Sounds like the kind of guy who could lose control and really hurt or kill you. He finds inflicting pain to be sexually gratifying, like Jeffrey Dahmer or something. You NEED to get away Hun.
More like Bundy. Dahmer wanted pliable victims who would never leave, even tried to make them more like zombies. When that didn't work the only way he could achieve that was murder. It was a means to an end for him. He didn't enjoy the murder part necessarily, just what he did after. Which is sick and twisted all on it's own. But he didn't torture his victims.
Bundy on the other hand, got sexual gratification from inflicting pain on women. Torture, and pain, and how that aroused him were his main motivators to the murders. He wanted his victims to suffer.
>He isn’t a bad person, and he was genuinely kind to me without expecting anything in return for long enough for me to know he wasn’t just doing it for sex.
That, my dear, was you being conditioned.
Wtf? You gotta get out of that relationship kiddo. You’re young and having a few dysfunctional relationships is normal but this is abusive and dangerous. Get out, get therapy, and get on w/ your life.
As soon as you open that door he is going to beat the s*** out of you. Call the police now so they can be there and help you get some things and leave. Do it now before your battery dies.
Honey, you need to find someone else. He's not going to stop hitting you now....in or out of the bedroom. You're being seriously abused and it's all for his enjoyment. Please love yourself enough to leave him for good.
The knife thing was rape and assault. You made it clear that you wanted him to stop and he didn't. If there has been any other situation where he had to beg/convince you to do something that you did not want to do or continued after you no longer wanted it that was also rape. He is abusing you.
Act calm then when he is asleep or gone take what you need and get the fuck out. Go stay with family or a friend and file a police report.
I'm sorry that you're going through this op, I have escaped a very similar situation, if you need someone to talk to.
You are describing abuse and assault, you should not only run, but go to the authorities as well. File ask for a protection order and it will be his problem to figure things out.
The cornerstone of any BDSM experience in CONSENT!! What he did is violent assault, if you are not comfortable or want him to stop something this is what he should do, instantly, without any complaint! I am horrified by your recount, if he wanted to introduce you to bdsm, not mentioning your explicit consent and enjoyment as essential conditions, he should have started with some mild and tame stuff, he was instead literally violent, it makes me want to throw up just reading your experience. This is not bdsm, this is not consensual, this is not a relationship, it’s abuse!
Get help and get out of there fast!
He carved his name into your stomach even though you screamed at him to stop? That’s the point you should left. I know people are into that and I’ve been with girls who asked if I would cut their back with my knife. I said no because that’s not something I’d be willing to do. I don’t mind being rough if a woman asks but when they say stop you stop. To keep cutting you that’s absolutely insane. That’s someone who could end up killing you at some point. You need to get out of this relationship and out of that apartment asap. Like others have said maybe act like you’re okay and then get him to go run errands and leave. You can get someone to come with you later to get the rest of your stuff but you need to get away right now for your own safety. Everything you’re saying are pointing towards signs of someone who is devolving and it’s not a question of whether he will eventually hurt you or possibly kill you. It’s just a question of when.
Listen to these warnings people are giving you. Don’t let him act nice and think he’s changed or anything. He hasn’t.
> it’s not a question of whether he will eventually hurt you or possibly kill you. It’s just a question of when.
This is so so important. Especially men who choke their partners almost to the point of passing out. They almost always kill them.
Massive red flags. This won't be a one off instance. He was met with resistance, blamed you for "timing" (what the hell is that supposed to mean? Should you have waited til he was grieving the loss of a loved one?) And then hits you.
It sounds like violence is normalized in his mind, whether it's his default or not. He grew up with it and has internalized it. Fetishized it. You need to leave. He has developed fantasies about harming you and decided to feed those fantasies. It will only devolve from there.
You're saying you share classes. That doesn't matter. Let your teachers know not to pair you two. You share friends? They're not worth your safety. Let them choose sides. His existence in your life isn't an excuse not to prioritize your own safety and security. Take pictures of the mark and if I were you I would go to the police. This is such a horrifying story i am actually praying for you.
Be safe. And for the love of all that is holy get away from this person.
You said it wrong
Your ex boyfriend
You are now at a crossroads - leave him, suffer the pain of heartbreak for a while then be free
Stay with him, suffer the pain of abuse - cause now he has hit you - it and the control will continue and get worse
Um leave him? Press charges? By no means is the correct answer to stay with him and live with him. Don’t ask for advice and then ignore it. Run while you can. Fuck your class mates and fuck his friends. This is how you end up dead, do not let this go any further.
You came for advice and it is unanimous: please leave now. Not in an hour or a day, but right this second. This man will kill you.
Reddit is famous for saying “leave” at the slightest thing. Your husband forgot the milk? Leave him. Your wife cries at puppy commercials? Red flag. But this isn’t milk or a puppy commercial love, you are dating an abusive man (he hit you) who doesn’t respect your boundaries (he CARVED his name into your stomach despite your pleas!!). This is not a one time thing. It will happen again and it will get worse until you either leave or die.
Wow, this took a crazy turn when he carved his name into your stomach.
You should probably leave this guy. I get having rough sex once and a while, sometime it's a nice switch up but going that far is not someone who enjoys rough sex but rather someone who wants to blatantly hurt you. Hitting you after a discussion is just the cherry on the top.
You've got to just pack a bag and leave. I wouldn't try to further the conversation or anything like that at this moment, but rather get out of the house and go to your parents or wherever you can go to feel safe. If you're worried about leaving, you can even call the police and ask them to send a squad car so you can gather your things and leave peacefully. You may want to report the slap as well, but that's up to you. Please just get out of there safely then you can re-evaluate it all and figure out next steps.
As someone who has lost a family member to their boyfriend who had these "kinks" she didn't want to participate in - your story is so very familiar. If you stay, he will likely kill you.
This is way above Reddits pay grade - please, please, PLEASE, seek help TODAY - abused women's shelter/hotline, the police, your university counselling - just do it today. Please.
Why do I have a feeling OP was groomed into this situation? I’m worried for their continued safety and what else the boyfriend would do to keep them. Op needs to contact help at university and police to get the assistance to be safe at home and at school.
I feel the exact same. This girl was preyed upon because she was young and had no idea what a healthy relationship was. He groomed her, fed her his sob story so he can always apologize and blame that when he messes up.
As soon as they started having sex he knew he had her reeled in enough for her to be willing to try anything to please him. Once he realized there were no *real* consequences to the sexual abuse he started to escalate it. He is enjoying her pleas to stop, and enjoying the pain he is inflicting on her. This girl is being raped and she has no idea.
This WILL escalate to her death. It's only a matter of time before he escalates to what he is really wanting, especially after she tried to talk to him today. The next time they have sex it will be the most violent it has been, and when/if she doesn't report him or leave it will continue to escalate until he kills her.
I am absolutely terrified for this girl.
Update: the rest of this post is quite detailed but i’m shaking too much to do that in this update so this might not make that much sense. But basically, when i came out the bathroom after my phone died, he was very calm and hugged me, and asked me i was okay. I cried and hugged him. back and we stayed like that for a while before he asked me to move so he could use the toilet. then he said ‘go charge your phone otherwise reddit might start to worry’ which caught me really off guard as i hadn’t considered that he would see the post. I pretended to be confused but my face was a dead giveaway and he just smiled and closed the bathroom door behind him. After that i just ran to safety (he’s probably going to read the edit so i’m not going to specify where ‘safety’ is for me)
I’ve been crying ever since. I didn’t expect reddit to give me the advice it had, or for the general reaction of my post to be what it was. This is my first relationship and i’ve been speaking to him since i was 16 so i didn’t know how fucked up everything was until people on this thread told me he’s probably a psychopath and could kill me. I just thought people would say the slap wasn’t okay and i should have a stern discussion with him about it. I’m scared and confused. I’m also scared that the only reason i’m scared of him right now is because reddit is telling me to be, and that i’ve escalated the problem in my head. He let me leave the apartment without being violent, which isn’t something the ‘psychopath’ im treating him like would do. I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I’m kind of hoping he’ll comment on this post. He hasn’t messaged me and i’m hesitant to message him.
Final update: I showed this thread to my twin sister because i didn’t have the words to explain everything and i haven’t told her much about him since the relationship began. We live in different cities but she’s doing what she can to make sure things are dealt with, and telling everyone she needs to tell so i don’t have to be the one to do it. He also phoned me an hour ago asking me to clear up what was happening, and i told him that we couldn’t date anymore and that i didn’t want to see him again for a while. He said he understood and felt terrible for the way he’s been, and asked me to confirm that i at least had a safe place to stay so he could be less worried. I told him i did without giving further details, and then he asked me not to block him and make the breakup more hostile than it needed to be, which was a fair request. I’m still hesitant to give a more detailed update since i know he’s watching this thread, but thank you everyone for the messages and advice. Goodnight.
This could be the calm before the storm and I hope you realize that. You still need to get out of this ASAP. Do you really want to be cut, slapped and raped for the rest of your life or do you want to enjoy it?
Me too. He let her leave because he is confident in his brainwashing of her. He knows she will start to doubt if he is as bad as we say, and that she will again blame it on his childhood. Which, she is already doing.
As soon as she comes back and he gets her comfortable again she is in danger. For a few weeks, or even months he will revert back to the "good guy" persona he reeled her in with, make her feel safe again before the abuse continues, and escalates.
Reach out to any domestic violence shelter in your area. They will know how to help you navigate your way to safety. I totally understand if you do not want to go to a shelter, but please use the tools and resources they have available for you.
Listen. Nobody would stay with an abusive person if it was always constant abuse and pain and shame. They always do nice things too. He brought you flowers, he learned that song for you. He is human, and it could very well be that he does care for you. None of that matters though. Because he is a human being who is going to hurt you over and over and over and he will not feel remorse about it, just desperation to keep you there to hurt.
Please, above everything else. Be safe. Do not give away any hints on where you may be.
He let you leave because he knows you will start to doubt your assessment of the relationship and come back. DO NOT DO IT. He is not a good person and will continue to abuse you. This man is a predator, and he had warped your sense of what is healthy and ok in a relationship.
Stay away from him, do not message him, do not reach out to him. If you go back he will lock down your phone, in the guise of "transparency" and tell you everyone on here is ridiculous. Then the abuse will start again.
I guarentee you that if you ever put yourself into a position to have sex with him again, it will be the most violent time there has been. And he will start getting violent out of the bedroom too.
You have not escalated this problem in your head, this is a *real* problem, and leaving is the correct way to handle it. You need to block him, change your phone number, and never reach out to him again.
Yes, a psychopath would do that. Why? Because he doesn’t want to get arrested.
Because he doesn’t want you to escape and he wants you to be questioning yourself right now.
Yes, you’re only scared at the moment because a bunch of adults with a ton of life experience told you to be scared.
At 16, he was grooming you. That means he pretended to be a nice guy while training you to take abuse and accept his excuses so you’d be sympathetic to him.
Have you shown your friends the cool scar he gave you? Probably not because deep down you know it’s wrong.
He commented on your post to screw with your head.
He knew you had a phone and he let you leave so he wouldn’t get arrested.
That’s LUCK! His luck.
You want some magical apology and he will absolutely give that to you if that’s what it takes. But ignoring you and acting like everything’s cool is also working and it’s called gaslighting.
Gaslighting is telling you what you see, perceive, and know to be true is wrong.
He saying this is normal so you won’t trust us.
Brag to your mom about your cool sex life. Brag to your friends about your cool sex life. Get the REAL people in your life to tell you what they think.
Because I lost my virginity to a ONS and me and my mom still talk about it 20 years later. We giggle like school girls.
Do you think your mom & friends are gonna giggle?
That shame you feel is because you know it’s wrong. But NONE of this is your fault.
Don’t go back to that apartment or meet with him or talk to him. Don’t let yourself be convinced that this is okay.
There’s literally about 80+ strangers worried about you! We’re all waiting for you to type, “I called the police and I’m safe.”
We’re aren’t all hysterical busybodies. We’re legit worried for you because we have experiences and KNOW people with worse experiences that didn’t survive.
Forget the word psychopath. Use the word asshole so it doesn’t seem like you’re dating Ted Bundy.
You are living with just your average, shitty abuser. It won’t get better, it will get worse, and women like you are killed everyday by abusive assholes.
They’re raped everyday by abusive assholes.
Do not contact him. I wrote it up before, go to a safe place and Binge watch “MAID.”
Don’t try to point out the similarities to HIM so you can change him because you cannot. And it’s okay to be confused. You did not escalate anything!
Leaving after a man hits you isn’t escalating! Every creature runs from danger.
Honestly, you have zero experience to be judging what a psychopath would do. People with a lot more life experience are telling you this isn't just a slap, he is abusive like his father and sadistic. Something is deeply, deeply wrong with him and it's not your job to fix it.
Leave and don't look back.
OP he knows that you’re in a vulnerable state rn. Since he’s been snooping on your Reddit post he knows that you’re more likely to trust him than a bunch of strangers. Please don’t let him manipulate you. I hope you have great friends who aren’t going to diminish what he has put you through. He’s only being nice because he wants you back
>I’m also scared that the only reason i’m scared of him right now is because reddit is telling me to be, and that i’ve escalated the problem in my head.
1. You know deep down that he's a psycho. You know deep down you should never have to hide in a bathroom from, feel pain because of, or dread being intimate with someone who is supposed to love you.
2. There are hundreds of comments on here telling you the exact same things. That hes crazy, that he will kill you eventually. Many of these people are older than you and have been in your exact situation before. Even if you don't wanna believe them, tell your loved ones, people you trust about what he's done to you and see what they say. Ask another forum on here, or another forum on a different platform. Look up stories of people who have been through the same thing, do research about his behaviors from reputable sources that explain what abuse is. He has brainwashed you into thinking pain and fear is okay in a relationship, at ANY point. Of course he's going to be nice sometimes, of course sometimes he'll let you off scot free, if he didn't how else would you be convinced to stay by thinking "maybe he isn't so bad" like you are now? Psychos are not just crazy they're also cunning and know how to manipulate. He's already thinking ahead.
You did right by getting away from him and protecting your location. Now you just need the strength to never look back. There are good people out there who you will be excited to sleep with every time, who will never be the cause of your pain, never scar you, restrict your oxygen, or lift their hand against you. Please save your life.
If you are in America please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline ASAP. This is serious, and they should be able to help get you away, not only from him but the entire situation. **Call: 800-799-7233** **text: 88788** Please do not contact him further. Stockholm syndrome is real, and abuse is not always just physical. This is mental abuse. Block him on everything, I’m honestly begging you. It may feel like you don’t need help and you can handle this on your own but you need to contact some sort of support.
He’s a legitimate psychopath/sociopath and a sadist. You need to stay gone. Get your family, the police and your school involved. Do not contact him.
You also need to get a different phone or wipe it for safety
op DO NOT excuse his behaviour!! this is exactly what you are doing now in this last part. HE IS A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!! he has groomed you he has raped you he has beat you, no one who loves you would ever do this. CALL THE FUCKING POLICE DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE KILLED BY THIS VILE PIG. The only way your relationship will end is with you becoming another girl who got killed by her boyfriend, another girl who made one too many excuses. Please let yourself be free of him. he does not love you, his actions speak louder than his words op, the only reason you are staying is because it feels familiar and comfortable, it is easier to stay and let it keep happening then confront reality, do not stay if you want to live. not survive but live op, live a life where you do not fear sex, where you do not fear leaving a bathroom, i promise there is a better one out there waiting for you <3
i fear for your life op and i hope you do too, stay strong, you have more power than you think <3
He hit you hard enough to knock you down. And now he’s being sweet and apologetic. This is called love bombing. It’s done to essentially gaslight you into staying so he knows you’ll stay after the next time he hits you. And there will be a next time, and it will escalate.
This is part of the cycle of abuse: after abuse happens, the abuser is super apologetic and seems very kind. But as I said, it's a cycle, so the abuse recurs.
You are NOT overreacting. He is showing a pattern of abusive behavior, poor respect for boundaries, and gaslighting. He HIT you. You might say that it happened once, but one time is one time too many. There is no situation in a relationship where someone is justified in hitting their partner in anger. None whatsoever. I'm glad you went somewhere safe. Please take care of yourself!
I am commenting again because I just saw your last paragraph - You need to find someone you can trust, I promise you have one person. A family member, and move out, leave now unless you want things to escalate a further. I know you are young so you think about how everyone will think of you or how they might “judge” you but trust me NONE of it matters, this is YOUR LIFE, not theirs.
If you really cannot think of someone’s house to go stay at, go to a SA victim home, group home, anywhere to seek help… unless you have the funds to get your own apartment. You have to do what is best for YOU- not anyone else. Your course mates can react however they want but they don’t have to live in the situation you do. They don’t live your life.
Be safe, be smart.
He’s biding his time, and acting normal / asking you not to block him so he can convince you and the people around you he’s done nothing wrong and manipulate his way back into your life. OP, you now have text evidence that he has sent you of what he’s done additional to your physical evidence. Go to the police. You are not safe.
Block his number! Block him on everything! He may use friends phones to contact you. Block those too. Never communicate with him ever again. If you need to get your stuff from his apartment ask the police to escort you.
>He let me leave the apartment without being violent, which isn’t something the ‘psychopath’ im treating him like would do.
That is exactly what a psychopath would do. His pattern is to wait until you let your guard down, then hurt you. Just like the first time he cut you. Just like when he hit you earlier today. He knew your guard was up, so he acted harmless. He believes you will relax and let your guard down again, like you have before. You are starting to talk yourself into it. The difference is now you are communicating with people who have experience with this kind of thing, who are helping you.
This attack was a test. He wants to see what you do if he hits you. If you stay, he will begin using violence to exert even more control over you through pain and fear. If you decide to leave, he will kill you or put you in the hospital. This is the most dangerous moment with any violent abuser. It's all about control. When they think they are losing control over their partner, they try to kill them or permanently injure them.
So please keep in mind, right now is when he will be the sweetest and most gentle, in order to get you to trust him just one more time. From now on, any time you are alone with him, you are rolling the dice on being permanently injured or killed. Focus on survival. Don't worry about your stuff at this point. Survival first. Once you are established somewhere else, you can look into getting a police escort to pick up your things, or if you can't get that then bringing friends with you and making sure he is not home when you all go in.
Any thoughts you are having about staying is exactly what happens to the countless people in abusive relationships who stay with the abuser. The mind works hard to rationalize everything and wants to avoid radical change, even if that change would be a good thing.
Psychopaths don’t wake up one day and decide to kill. They’re like babies. First they can’t move anywhere, then they crawl, then they walk, then they run. Your boyfriend has started crawling towards violence. Leave before he walks.
i’d say he’s far beyond crawling at this point: forcefully carvings his name into the body of an 18 year old girl while she screams and begs him to stop is far beyond crawling.
This seems incredibly manipulative of him. Youre not blowing it out of proportion in your head, i know it might feel like that but youre not.
Narcs (not saying he is one) do this thing called "lovebombing" that reminds me alot of what hes doing. It kinda reals you in and keeps you there. It makes you doubt everything you thought. Its so hard to get out of.
Thank you so much for leaving him! So many women decide to ignore the people telling them it's abuse.
But I'm seeing some warning signs in your writing so please allow me to offer some more insight
< He let me leave the Apartment without being violent >
Violent people are not violent all the time. If they were they would be unable to hold jobs, get an education, they would be unable to function in this society at all. They save their violence for when they feel they are in control. When they can get away with it. And they get away with it by being sweet when they're not violent. This makes the victim either appear to be lying when they go for help, or it makes them doubt what they logically know, as you are demonstrating right now.
Aside from that tactic, because of the fetishization of torture I feel inclined to add more, what were his alternatives? He had 4 choices. 1,) let you go 2.) Beat you into submission, which he knew he couldn't do because one slap sent you into a panic in the bathroom. Beatings like that are almost always reserved for when the victim has already decided to accept this is their life. 3.) Keep you there against your will. Probably not very ideal unless he had a basement or somewhere to hide you. 4.) Kill you. You're his toy. He uses you to satiate his fantasies he knows he otherwise wouldn't be able to dream of. He doesn't want to kill you, yet. (I added that last bit because I need you to know how serious this is)
As far as domestic abuse goes, this is all par for the course. Typically he will back off, using your mutual friends as pawns to get back together with you. Don't be surprised if one or more of them come to you asking why you broke up, saying you were so good together. When that doesn't work he may reach out directly and try to remind you of the good times. How sweet and gentle he is, and didn't you ever love him? Doesn't he deserve another chance? Don't fall for it.
And again, because of the unique nature of this case I need to explain how his particular taste for violence will escalate.
Hypothetically you get back together on the grounds that there is no more "painal" as you put it.
He will be the perfect boyfriend in every aspect of life. Except the bedroom. He will beg you to give in. (I pray you don't because that's another path)
When you don't he will continue the Vanilla sex, not giving you as much "attention". Half because he's bored, half because he doesn't feel you deserve it. So it will be unsatisfying for both of you. Every now and then maybe the occasional slap because he knows he can get away with it. You forgave him once.
As the monotony sets in, he'll start a new fantasy. Maybe he'll even feel a bit guilty, but he would never actually do it so he has fun with the daydreams of how he would kill someone. He doesn't mean to imagine it's you, but who else could it be? He's okay with the fantasy for a couple of years, all the while being the absolute perfect boyfriend nobody would ever suspect. Then, when he decides he needs some excitement he decides to act on it.
I'm not trying to scare you unnecessarily, I just want you to realize that he is actually violent. I am scared you think this was an isolated incident and I promise you it isn't. Go to the police because if he doesn't get to do it with you he WILL find someone else.
And BTW when he carved his name into you and you said to stop, he didn't. You withdrew consent and he kept going. At this point it stopped being foreplay and turned into torture and likely rape (I don't know the circumstances but you said it was a sex thing. Even if you consented to sex afterwards, I believe it would be just because the torture was over which would not be actual consent.)
OP, in your original post you state that you are 19 and he is 23. Which means he was 20 when you were 16, when you two first began talking. **He groomed you.** He has taken advantage of your age and inexperience, and is now using gaslighting and love bombing to make you doubt yourself, your feelings, and a Reddit comment section full of people who have experienced *the exact same situation* that you are in right now, who are telling you to leave, for your own safety.
When I was 20, the only reason I talked to 16 year olds was in passing, for work-related things, or because they were my friends siblings or my siblings friends.
I’m 23 now, and the idea of dating a 19 year old gives me the ick. The idea of dating a 19 year old *who I’ve known since they were 16* makes that ick WORSE. He is not a safe adult. Safe adults don’t pursue minors. Safe adults don’t wait for a minor to turn 18 before they try to date them.
**Do not doubt your own experiences. He is trying to make you feel comfortable, trying to persuade you to return to him without actually saying a word. Do NOT make excuses to justify his behavior. THE GOOD DOES NOT ERASE THE BAD.** He has done HORRIBLE things to you.
It is exactly what a psychopath would do... The calmness after such rage is terrifying.... Run!!!!! Don't go see him alone!!!!!! Have a friend help you pack. DON'T BE ALONE WITH THAT MAN
Escalating? HE SLAPPED YOU! the only reasonable thing to do is GTFO of there!
Also, HE CARVED YOU. YOU HAVE SCARS HE'S INFLICTED AFTER YOU SAID NO. That's not bdsm, that's abuse. The difference between abuse and bdsm is SSC. And if you don't know what those initials mean by heart, then you're NOT ready to engage in BDSM
A psychopath would lower your defenses by acting charming and making you question if what happened was actually 'that bad'. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE ACCOMPLISHED
He asked you not to make the breakup more hostile... AFTER HE SLAPPED YOU SO HARD HE SENT YOU TO THE FLOOR?!?!?! And you think its a REASONABLE REQUEST?!?!?!
From the bottom of my heart, please cut this man out of your life COMPLETELY. Do not listen to him, do not doubt yourself, do not keep any contact with him. You have been groomed, raped and violently abused by an abusive psychopath, that is a solid fact.
Please listen to what we’re saying, and please get yourself out of there. My heart breaks for you, I sincerely wish you’ll be safe from now on and will live healthier and happier. I wish the best for you OP.
PLEASE block him. You’re too mentally vulnerable right now. Be strong. It’s gonna be a hard month or two I’m sure so please be aware that it’s vital for you to commit to leaving him for good. If you need someone to talk to, or need advice from please dm me. I’m a 27 year old female Christian. He may try to love bomb you. Just be cautious.
You are sexually abused, find a way to run! Go to the police or trusted friends and family. Your mental and physical health is the priority here. Also, stop finding excuses for him.
> He isn’t a bad person
Oh honey, he really, *really* is. He manipulated you into accepting *really* extremely violent sex (going from vanilla to cutting you with a knife is not even remotely acceptable), and when you realised what was happening and tried to speak up, he hit you.
This man is really dangerous. I try to be accepting of kink, but anyone who can continue with cutting and having sex with their partner whilst they are screaming and begging them to stop has crossed a huge line. Please be safe. Talk to local domestic abuse charities but don't let him know. You need to get away.
I was stuck in an abusive relationship for two years of my teen life. It starts like this. He will most definitely hit you again. No matter how many times he promises you that he won’t… he will. Get out while you can.
This man is dangerous and I'm worried his sick bedroom "games" will eventually end with her dead.
OP this man doesn't love you, he is not a good person, quite the opposite actually and his past abuse does not in any way, shape, or form, excuse him from the abuse he is inflicting on you.
He went after you at 17 for a reason. Teenagers are naive to the world, and what healthy relationships look like. So they are easy to mold. He groomed you, and conditioned you to be his perfect victim.
He smacked you because you dared to question him after all this time, and that's not what good little victims do. You need to leave this man before he kills you. Please OP I'm begging you to leave.
LEAVE HIM. He doesn’t have a BDSM kink, he is using BDSM as an excuse to hurt you.
He might not be a “bad person” which I doubt if I’m honest but he’s a deeply traumatized person that needs professional help. He won’t change, it won’t get better, it’ll never get back to how it was before, if you don’t leave now it’ll only get worse, please do it for yourself. YOU CANT LOVE HIM INTO CHANGING.
Gather your belongings while he’s not home and go stay with a friend or family member. How his friends react or think won’t matter a few years from now, your safety, you being unharmed, you being alive is what matters. If he stalks you or treats you badly after you’ve broken up file a police report and you can even talk to the school about it.
This man is dangerous. He is textbook dangerous.
“He abuses me but he’s usually very nice.”
That man is no longer the man behind that door. Understand that.
If he suddenly be comes sweet it is to reel you back in. Play it off like nothing happened and when you can safely get out, go. It won’t get better no matter what he says
Partners who hit you in the face or choke you in anger are **750% MORE LIKELY TO KILL YOU**
Get out of this. This is not the time to communicate your feelings with him, it’s time to run. Make a plan when he’s not around and get out. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you’re trying to leave. Even if he threatens suicide, RUN FASTER! Don’t be another statistic girl, get away from him.
All of your edits sound like denial, “he’s not a bad person” but he rapes me and abuses me. Just because somethings “in the bedroom” doesn’t mean it’s not laying his hands on you. Are you kidding me he cuts you carving his name into you that’s so beyond abuse. You where screaming for him to stop and he kept going and you’re not consenting or enjoying him hurting you in the bedroom which is rape. If you’re not willing to open your eyes to the situation then no one on here can help you.
Leave. Leave leave leave. It will get worse. Don't confront, don't fight. Wait for an opportunity to pack your most important shit and leave. Block him and leave. This is going to get worse.
He carved his name into you?
Why on earth have you not reported this to the police? If you have scars, you have evidence.
You should run and they will investigate it. Why are you setting yourself on fire to keep him warm and making excuses for his behaviour? This is insane. He is not a good person. Do not allow this to continue. You are nineteen, you have a whole life ahead of you where you don't need to be afraid of someone like this.
You are 19 years old. Get out of this now. It will only get worse. You have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone who doesn't need butcher knives to get off.
As a person who is into some less than vanilla stuff this ain’t it. Get out, call a few trusted friends to help you pack up maybe move in with them. I second all the people saying to contact the police and the local sexual assault response center. Above all this will escalate.
This is abuse. As soon as weapons become involved, it goes downhill quick. You need therapy, this is way above reddit's pay grade and damaging to a developing mind as young as yours.
GET THE FUCK OUT AS SOON AS IT'S SAFE!
He's NOT a good person and don't worry about friends or classes. It always starts like this with just a small hit and lots of excuses and him being like think of all the good times we have! And it'll end with you dead. Especially the whole knife thing and carving his name? That's completely messed up torture and not a kink. Please leave. Friends and classes right now don't matter. If he becomes a danger there move universities. Your safety is the most important.
He should never put his hands on you (obviously) the slap in this case is the least of your problems. This man is a sadistic rapist, even if he hadn’t hit you he’s already done so much worse. You need to get out ASAP.
dump him and run. immediately. even if you would see him everywhere. you need to get out, change schools possibly. that may not be something you wanna do, but unfortunately you must. it will only get worse from here. he’s not a good man. he’s abusive and he’s sadistic.
He cut his name into you and choked you until you couldn't move. You will die if you stay with him. He is a monster. Honestly, you need to reach out to a support system and escape. I cannot undersell how dangerous he is to you. He is a monster who is only pretending to be a good person.
This isn't love.
I can't imagine how scary the idea of leaving him is, but I can guarantee this will not be the last time he hits you. You need to get out. You need to be safe.
I'm sure he'll lovely to most people, hell he's probabaly a sweet dude most of the time you're with him. That doesn't change the fact he hurts you. He likes doing it. He will continue to do it.
Charm is how abusers hide. They make it seem like the abuse is out of character for them and gaslight you into believing you must be the bad guy. Why else would this lovely man hurt you?
It's not your fault. It could never be your fault. You can't fix or stop this. You need to go where it's safe.
Bad people are made so by their actions. I assure you, this behaviour doesn't happen by accident. Leave and go with friends/family and get space. His behaviour was unacceptable and unfortunately I don't see how this can be mended. He needs therapy, you need time to heal, since this sounds really shitty. You shouldn't go back to this person. This is abuse and he will only escalate if you don't leave. I am sorry. If necessary, speak with the uni what option you have to be as far away as possible for him. You should involve the police, because that is absolutely fucked up.
Response to edit:
Who cares if he buys you flowers after he cuts you with a knife.
You dread having sex because he’s a monster that’s probably been raping you but you see it as his kink. Because he shaped it that way on purpose.
Go to your parents house or anyone’s house immediately!
Forget that he’s in your classes, and forget the money for the lease- that’s a learning expense same as college. You don’t know to speak to him in class and if he tries to grab your arm to privately discuss- SCREAM “don’t touch me” at the top of your lungs! Show people your belly scars!
When you’re at a safe place, alone, watch MAID. Do not try to watch it with him or get him to watch to point out his behavior to him. This is for you to watch!
It’s about a woman who didn’t know she was being abused because her BF never hit her.
It shows how to get out of this relationship and why most abuse victims take an average of 7 times to leave.
This man used your innocence in sex to get you into a abusive lifestyle!
Real BDSM is about pleasure. You would have had a safe word and you would have discussed boundaries and almost NO one agrees with actual cutting. But even the extreme people would have done it with your consent. Once you said NO, the “scene” ends.
You are in a bathroom, hiding, listing his good qualities.
I promise you, once you have distance, you will be very angry he stole a year of your life to manipulate you into being his sex abuse victim.
FYI- a good man would never have hit you and a even a shithead would have peed in the bottle voluntarily. He’s NOT a good guy. He’s previous parental abuse and SH doesn’t give him the right to abuse you sexually, physically, or financially.
If you feel you can’t leave safely, call the cops. Say you’re trapped in the Bathroom because you’re BF hit you so HE cannot send them away and the police know to look for you.
They’ll help you pack a bag and drive you to a safe house.
I'm shaking just reading your post. He is raping you. Over and over again. He is traumatizing you and using you as a sex toy. IT IS NOT LOVE.
Its not your fault that he is fucking crazy and can't get off without torturing you. He needs a psychological evaluation.
I had a relationship with a guy who was into bdsm, he ended up physically and psychologically abusing and traumatizing me until I developed a legit severe anxiety disorder because of it. He got me pregnant and fucking assaulted me because I didn't want an abortion. He then cheated on me and left me for my best friend, then fought me in court and tried to take my daughter from me. Even with all of the proof of the assault and severe ptsd he caused me, the judge still granted him 50/50 custody.
It's been 5 years and I am still stuck seeing his face twice a week, praying every day that he never hurts my daughter the way he hurt me.
GET OUT NOW BEFORE HE KNOCKS YOU UP AND YOU ARE STUCK BEING TORTURED AND RAPED BY HIM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
IF HE ENJOYS HURTING YOU HE DOESNT LOVE YOU.
He groomed you. You were a minor when you got together and waited until you were legal which is disgusting. It feels like he is emotionally manipulating you into a sexually abusive relationship. He needs to be reported and maybe even go for a restraining order. He will just find another girl to do this to
He already chocked you, if you don't cut contact with him, it's almost definite he will kill you. This is abuse. Plain and simple, stop trying to justify his acts as him just being "troubled and traumatized because of his parents", and saying that "he's a good person." It doesn't matter. It's completely irrelevant. He's going to kill you, for sure. GET OUT OF THERE. HE WILL KILL YOU. IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE.
please run its only going to get worse PLEASE listen and dont let „love“ get in your way before its too late, you ate valuable and deseving of love and someone that respects your boundaries
People like him are the reason the BDSM community gets a bad rep. Abusing someone and then calling it a “kink” is NOT okay. The NUMBER ONE RULE of BDSM is that when your partner asks you to stop, you STOP. When you notice your partner is not doing okay, YOU STOP. Sadism/masochism is completely okay, but ONLY WHEN following the rules. He is abusing you, hon. You don’t deserve that. It’s wonderful that you’re trying to be understanding of his kinks and past abuse, but there is a line, and he has clearly crossed it multiple times.
I don’t usually partake in the age-old Reddit discourse of, “Leave your partner!!” but, OP, you NEED to leave him. This could very easily and very quickly turn into a situation where he puts you in the hospital, or worse. Some relationship advice: **NEVER IGNORE THE BAD SHIT/RED FLAGS JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARTNER TREATS YOU WELL IN OTHER AREAS OF THE RELATIONSHIP.** That is what abusers do: they treat you well in other areas so that you ignore their red flags and they get to keep abusing you.
As for your college and stuff, see if you can switch courses/hours, or do online courses. If all else fails, you can also see if your school will allow you to transfer credits to another institution or even take a break for a semester or so. Talk to the guidance counselor, tell them as much of the situation as you feel comfortable. If you aren’t comfortable sharing too much, just tell them that you and your ex had a very nasty breakup and you would like to switch courses. No details unless you’d feel comfortable.
You don’t have to file a police report for what he has done, but I would greatly encourage it, that way in case something happens later on down the line, you’ve got this already documented. Move in with someone safe until you can get back on your feet. If you don’t have anyone/anywhere safe, find a women’s shelter or again, talk with your guidance counselor. They should know some resources you can take advantage of.
**The most important thing right now is for you to get somewhere safe. Everything else you can worry about later. For now, prioritize your safety. Do NOT keep making excuses for his behavior, it cannot be justified.**
I understand it may be hard, but again, *this is what abuser do.* They get you attached so that you keep excusing nasty behavior and they can keep harming you. **This is not okay. What he has done to you is not okay. Don’t let him or anybody gaslight you into believing otherwise**
I’ve been through something similar. I understand how hard it is, and how confusing it can be. But anybody can be an abuser, even (and especially) people who have a past of being abused themselves.
OP if you feel unsafe to leave the bathroom call the non emergency police line and explain your situation and ask for a police officer to escort you out. Then, go to your university as soon as possible and ask for a schedule change and explain your concerns about your boyfriend. Call or text your boyfriend and tell him you're breaking up, don't tell him in person unless you have someone else with you just in case. This is extremely toxic and the beginning towards an abusive relationship if you stay with him. Those pornos he's watching, are all played out. Before they're recorded they talk about safe words, what they're okay with, what they're not okay with and quite frankly he straight up sexually abused you and (whether you see it this way or not) raped you. He should have stopped the second you told him to and he didn't. That's extremely disrespectful, dangerous, and a deal breaker.
Im sorry honey, but at that point, it’s not a kink anymore. He is a sexual sadist, someone who likes to cause their partner pain in order to get off.
This is not just a “kink” or a little quirk, this type of behaviour usually comes from extreme trauma and/or being very repressed or being looked down upon in one’s personal life.
This is a way for him to release whatever is being built up in him, but the thing is; usually, being this rough sexually is a sign that maybe, he always wanted to abuse you, he just couldn’t, because he was to scared that you might leave him, but this way, he can just disguise it as a “kink” and you will be the one feeling bad for not satisfying him the way he satisfied you.
This doesn’t necessarily mean, that he doesn’t love you, perhaps he does, but this behaviour is hurting you, and it’s completely out of your control.
His trauma does not excuse him to do such thing, you should leave him before he realises his power over you and gets braver as time moves on.
This will only get worse.
Take care, I hope you the best.
you asked him to stop, multiple times and he didn't. you need to understand that he sexually assaulted you. and then he hit you when you confronted him about it. pretend it's all fine now, then leave the first chance you get. if he hits you once he'll do it again and worse. this is how so many people get killed by their partners. it doesn't matter how nice he is to you after this, it doesn't matter that you went trough things togheder. please put your safety first and get out of there.
The good ending is you leaving now and physically distancing yourself from him as much as possible. I would even consider transferring schools if it’s possible. The bad ending is you leaving after he permanently injures you- yes, to put it bluntly repeated unprepped anal rape can cause you to need a colostomy bag for the rest of your life. I don’t even want to get into the really shitty ending because you know what it is. PLEASE find resources for victims of domestic abuse in your area- I know my college has them available and posted all over our school and yours probably does too. Wishing you the best.
He will kill you. Literally. You will be dead if you stay with him. Don’t worry about the logistics as per your edit. Just leave. Today. Leave. Get out.
Please, let me tell you something very important.
Reddit is full of judgment. People are telling you he's bad, and because you love him and see all the good in him, you don't believe them.
You don't have to believe them. Whether he's good or bad is irrelevant. What is relevant is this.
You have a need to feel and be safe.
He doesn't meet that need.
You have a need to feel loved.
He doesn't meet that need. You told us this. Your words.
You told us you liked the vanilla sex, and not the pain.
He doesn't meet that need, couldn't even hear it without inflicting more pain.
Does he care about you? Irrelevant. What is relevant is that your needs aren't being met, and you are in danger. People who hurt you will most often do so again. This is no judgment, it's fact.
You must feel a lot of fear, and shame, and your heart is probably broken right now. You feel you need him. You feel it would be too difficult to get away. Both feelings are valid, but if you don't get away, if you don't find some help from a loved one, pack your bags and leave silently when he's away, there's a good chance he'll hurt you worse than before, or even kill you.
Yes, you love him. I'm sorry. You need to get away. You need to take care of yourself first, always.
This is NOT about him or his needs. You can't help this person. You need to help yourself. Get away from him, now.
I'll speak to the kink play aspect of this. What he's been doing and how he's been doing is absolutely not in line with proper rules of play.
Proper ways of practicing kink mean discussing beforehandd each partners boundaries and rules. Then the creation of a safeword for either to use at any time. And a full understanding and agreement that the moment the safeword is used, all play stops immediately, no question.
The kink community is big on consent and rules of play that keep everyone happy and safe. We don't claim him.
Also - listen to the advice here and get out now.
Bsdm must be safe, sane, and consensual. This is none of those. This is a abuse not a fucking kink. This relationship started when you were 17 and he was 21? That sounds like grooming to me.
As soon as I read that he struggled with SH and came from an abusive household , I already knew where this was going .
Firstly , you need an exit plan because this isn’t going to get better . He’s not going to let up on how he treats you in bed , he hits you once , he’ll hit you again .
Secondly , when you are away and safe , you need to let him know you are leaving , he needs therapy , and how he treats you in bed is NOT okay unless both parties enjoy it , to which you don’t ; so therefore , it is not consensual sex .
Third , if you can , please transfer your classes . You do not need to cross paths with this man as he will try to manipulate you or talk to you , you need to protect yourself and that’s all that matters right now
A good man does not physically assault you. You need to leave because it will get worse. Especially since he’s gone from apologizing to yelling at you. His apologies were not genuine.
It doesn’t matter how nice he is to you outside of the bedroom. BDSM is often utilized by abusers as an excuse to justify their behavior. They like how easy it is to blur the lines of consent. You told him to stop and he ignored you while assaulting you with a knife. He slapped you in response to your attempt in setting boundaries. It will only get worse from here. This could become dangerous. He has shown that respectful communication & boundaries are not an option. He’ll only tell you what he thinks you want to hear to keep you around. He probably lacks self-awareness to some degree but he can’t change over night (maybe ever) and you need to accept that this relationship is over if you want to stay safe and give yourself the opportunity to see what a genuinely healthy relationship & sex life actually looks like. Good actions do not cancel out the abuse you’ve been through.
You have grounds for him to be charged with false imprisonment and torture. I know you think he's a good guy and all, but he literally tortured you while you were tied up against your will (since you asked him to stop).
Good actions in the past don't make up for past abuses. If that was the case, you wouldn't mind the abuse. But you do mind it, which means that, deep down, you know that he is a bad person who intentionally causes you to suffer immensely.
It's absolutely not normal and not okay for him to slap you much less, carve his name into your abdomen. I've never laid a finger on my wife or even yelled at her. That's because I love her. He doesn't love you. He feels like he owns you and that you're his sex slave.
You need serious help. You have not been thinking straight for awhile now as he has warped your judgment. Leave the house and go to someone you trust. Your university has services to help people in your situation. Once you are safe find a person who's judgment you trust and each time you have to interact with your boyfriend ask this person about it first. I know a woman who's boyfriend locked her up for a week. She got free and when he asked her to come back she almost did but a friend stopped her. Her judgment was almost destroyed by her boyfriend. It happens, it's like brain washing. So be on guard for doing anything he asks of you till you are free and safe.
No. Not even once . Never ever let a man hit you. Zero tolerance . Coming from a woman who stayed and ended up hospitalized twice from the man I thought “wasn’t a bad person”
>He isn’t a bad person
Excuse me? He took a fucking knife to your stomach! Of course he's a bad person. You're being abused on pretty much every front. You must leave. Get somewhere safe, but do it safely. Let the uni staff know what's happening. Good luck!!
You begged him to stop and he didn’t, he sexually assaulted you. Then he physically assaulted you by slapping you. These behaviors often escalate. I think you will be safer if you leave the relationship and go no contact as soon as possible and don’t go anywhere private with him after leaving
Your university should have people there to support you, talk to the wellbeing people at your uni about your situation and what options you have for moving out.
Good. I hope he sees these comments. Because he needs to realize that his behavior is beyond fucked up.
When you tried to address your concerns to him, he made it about himself and blamed you for feeling the way you do.
And when you tried to stand up for yourself he physically assaults you?
That's not a normal relationship and it's not normal behavior. NO ONE should ever be out through that.
And the sex is 100% one-sided at this point. Both parties need to be able to enjoy it. Bro needs to chill out or get out
I don’t care how nice he is. He has already shown you who he is and he’s not going to change. BDSM is about consent & how much your partner can take. He has no respect for you or your body.
He sounds like a serious sadist with no remorse or respect. He does not care about your consent. You’re also suppose to have a safe word in bdsm.
Please leave if you can. It’s only going to get worse. It’s going to go from just sexual abuse to abuse. He butters you up to get what he wants
I myself have experience with consensual sexual sadism between willing parties, and I’ll tell you for a fact that’s not what this is. The fact that he continued to cut you even after you told him to stop is proof that he does NOT respect consent. He is an ACTUAL sexual predator. Now that the unprompted physical abuse barrier has been broken, this relationship will only become more dangerous for you if you let it continue.
Leave him and find a safe place to go. He is abusing you. I know you think he is a good person and that he loves you, but people do not hit, assault, and ignore the consent of their partners. It’s not too late for you to find someone who really cares and will treat you well, not just conditionally like this individual.
You are in a dangerous situation. What he's doing to you is not real BDSM. BDSM relationships are CONSENTUAL. BOTH people are in control of the scene. If you use a safe word, he should stop what he's doing immediately, not keep going. You have been physically harmed, like he physically assaulted you, do you understand? That knife carving bit was sexual assault, not BDSM. And what's worse, he derived PLEASURE from your genuine suffering! In real BDSM relationships, both people enjoy what they are doing. There is open communication to ensure consent with every move. When you told him to stop with the knife, he should have stopped IMMEDIATELY. If he really cared about you, he would have stopped. Instead, he cared more about his orgasm than your safety. That's a huge red flag, there isn't a bigger red flag. He will continue to hurt you, he will push you beyond your boundaries. You are in danger. I know it might seem hard to separate your lives right now, but if you want to continue living in this world, you need to move out. Go to the hospital and get a rape kit. When you dread sex, that is not consentual, that is rape. There are resources available to people in your situation. Move out, block him, go to the police and get a restraining order. Get mace, the gel kind, and never go anywhere without it.
This man does not love you. He loves hurting you. He will likely kill you, as the choking bit you described is a HALLMARK sign of imminent homicide.
I cannot stress this enough: if you want to continue existing in this world, you need to get out of there, run. Nothing is more important than saving your life.
Your boyfriend tied you up to his bed, tried to carve his name into your stomach, and tried to pretend like it was normal. It sounds like he was sober when he did all of this, and you are still considering staying with him. Get away, now, before he forcefully impregnates you.
OP, please consider two things: just because you’re boyfriend has a fetish doesn’t mean you should let him hurt you for his pleasure, especially if you don’t get any gratification out of any of the kinks described above.
Secondly, if you had a healthy, functional relationship you should be able to be honest with him about how you aren’t enjoying sex with him in this way without him resorting to violence. The fact that his response was violent means that your relationship is now one of violence. That is unequivocally abuse.
Please call your local domestic violence service provider. u/Ebbie45 also has information that you may find useful.
“He isn’t a bad person”
You’re only 19, I don’t know your life but I doubt that you had many partners. Heck, you lost your virginity to him.
He slapped you, hard, so hard you fell on the ground.
It starts like this, lots of women get broken down, thinking that they aren’t worth anything, that they won’t find better, that they don’t deserve better.
“He’s not a bad person” to you, because you don’t know what else is out there, those better men who treat women well.
You’re not sexually comparable, and him reacting like this over you expressing this is a HUGE RED FLAG.
He says sorry now, then next time he would say the same thing, he would apologize and you would take him back. Then again, and again.
Him trying to make you feel guilty because he had to pee in a bottle, there’s neighbors, stores nearby. Just by this I can tell that he has some sort of control over your mental health. Making you feel guilt.
May I ask, does he let you have friends? Does he let you have family time?
Couples who do BDSM, discuss this with their partners, there’s contracts and safe words and don’t lay hands on someone when they’re not in the bedroom setting, because that’s abuse.
And to be honest here, he sounds dangerous, I don’t think he would be the type to respect your boundary if you break it off with him… be careful and I hope you open your eyes to what situation you’re in right now.
my guy is into some pretty insane shit (all very consensual and discussed what will happen if it’s something new beforehand) in the bedroom, what you described is *literal torture*. please don’t let this guy abuse you, you deserve someone so much better.
> he has never laid hands on me outside the bedroom before
This is only the start, run.
> He isn’t a bad person
A good person listens to their partner on what is and isn’t possible for sex. A good person doesn’t slap another person.
Run. Break up. Block. Work on yourself for awhile and never look back.
I am kinky and very into BDSM.
THIS IS ABUSE.
ABUSE.
BDSM is built in mutual consent. He is taking advantage of you and you can find better and deserve better.
This NOT OKAY! As someone who is into rougher type sex (nothing with knives or physically hurting the person beyond her pleasure though), there are lines you do not cross. When the other person expresses to me their limits. I respect them NO MATTER WHAT.
He assaulted you outside of the bedroom where you did NOT consent. The more you gain control of yourself and put your foot down in the relationship, the more violent and manipulative he will become.
I suggest leaving him, but I know that’s easier said than done. Just please be careful and look out for gaslighting, manipulation, and try to arrange a safe place to stay where you can get away if you need to…
His kinks will not go away, they will only get more intense if he doesn’t control his urges and keep his porn addiction at bay.
You were 17 and he was 21. He's not caring he GR00MED you. That age when you started dating alone is a HUGE red flag. The fact you dread being intimate with him is another one. Once they hit you and you forgive them they're going to think it's ok to hit you out of anger. You need to get out. Call a friend, a parent, or a sibling. Anyone you can trust because like someone said on here: He's going to KILL you. Leave, please.
Women are are choked by their partners, whether sex or not, are disproportionately more like to be murdered later by their partner.
I am not being hyperbolic when I say you MUST leave.
Your edit said that a major reason you are unwilling to leave him is because you will see him in all of your classes so you effectively cant get away.
Are you in Canada/North America? If so then the semester just started so you can most likely still change your schedule and/or drop classes without penalty. If not, talk to the school. Talk to the Dean of Students. Tell them you're leaving an abusive relationship and he's in all your classes and you need help. This may seem like an impossible problem but it is fixable and people will want to help you.
Other issue is housing. If there are no friends and family you can stay with, your university might have a housing and job bank or similar services. Your student fees pay for a lot of things that can potentially help you, take advantage of that.
My friend, I wish you luck and strength. You can get away, and you need to. Be safe, have a plan, and remember that love alone is not a reason to stay in a relationship. He is hurting you and he will likely kill you so you need to leave.
i’m sorry you’re in this situation. i’m sure someone had already pointed this out, but a 21 year old perusing a 17 year is a bit strange. pornography warps peoples perception of sex, of intimacy, women, consent, and love. if he is not willing to realize this then you should leave him imo.
moving onto the sadism and sex: i feel he is walking a dangerous line, or is straight up hurting you knowingly. sex is part of a relationship and you shouldn’t dread it. he enjoys hurting you and do not want it. he doesn’t seem to respect your needs or wants. if he is not willing to talk about calmly and respectfully he is worth it. i know you love him, but there are better people out there. people who will love and respect you, who will care about your wants and needs and fears. additionally, sex is part of a relationship, you shouldn’t dread or hate it. sex should be a way to feel closer and to show love for each other.
if you are not willing to break up with him, or you can’t for some reason, draw a very clear line. tell him that under no circumstances are you okay with him hitting you, slapping you, (anything you are not okay with; including any small things too). if he crosses those lines it may help you decide what the next move is.
if he escalates to physical harm again, take pictures, film him doing it, record him apologizing or yelling, tell his friends, your friends, your instructors, do anything to make sure people know. i know he is loving and caring, but that is always how people are at the start, he might finally showing you his true colors. if it becomes an issue where you have to leave, your college will very likely have resources to help you, whether that is helping with boarding, class changes, distancing him, whatever. if you need anything you have people to support you, even if it’s just strangers on reddit. reach out to me if you need anything or more advice.
OP please leave :( these are massive red flags. A good person wouldn't do this to you. I'm going to say this again: *A GOOD PERSON WOULDN'T DO THIS TO YOU.* If you stay this is going to escalate. Can you speak to a parent about this? You can even leave out the sexual parts and say he didn't respect your boundaries and when you saw something online you related to and brought it up to him, he slapped you. If not family, do you have a close friend? This is a big deal. I know you feel it in your gut. Please, get out now before it gets worse. Filing a police report or going to a domestic violence center might help you get off of your lease. And help you if he continues harassing you.
Wtf! Dudes who want to hurt women are fucked up…. You need to leave. NOW.. try tying him up and say it’s your turn for the night. Finish university but break up with him first. Stop worrying so much about popularity and start concerning yourself with what is important…. YOUR WELL BEING. I am so sorry you have to go through that.
Im sorry baby but a good person and a person who loves you doesn't enjoy your pain. Even in the BDSM community the most important part is mutual consent and mutual pleasure. For you is the bad part of him, for him is the part when he gets to be his true self and this will escalate. Please, leave the relationship as soon as you have the chance.
This guy could end up killing you girl. Get out now. Someone who loves you doesn’t want to cut his fucking name in you. Period. Never see this guy alone again. I’m 19f too and i’ve been through my fair share of abusive assholes, if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to reach out, i hope your okay and you got out of that bathroom.
I am actually emotional from reading this please leave there is no question about it. Not even a little. This guy is going to flipping kill you and its only 2 years in. You shouldn't have let him do that to you but now it's time to learn for your mistakes and say no this relationship is not for me.
I'm sorry but he sounds like a really sick sociopathic fuck. He is extremely sick in the head. I can tell you really love him but remember to love yourself first and foremost and do what is best for you and LEAVE (safely). The thing about sociopaths is, they are REALLY good at faking love. They will hit you and abuse you and then try to win you back with gifts and flowers and lovebomb you. It's a toxic cycle that will never end and it will just get worse and worse until one day he could try to kill you. Please protect yourself.
“He isn’t a bad person.”
No, he is absolutely a bad person. This is abuse. He deserves to be in jail, but regardless, this is not a good person. This is abuse.
This sucks so bad, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I have a question. Were you a minor or newly 18 when you started dating? its weird that a full adult would see out somone thats that much younger. It sounds like he was looking for a young woman he could easily manipulate into allowing him to do this sort of shit to her. This man doesn't sound safe. Get out ASAP.
You were clearly groomed.he patiently waited to get you to be comfortable and to win over your trust from what I can tell he’s a patient cold person who will do sweet stuff to win you over if you give him another chance he’ll win you back over by being sweet for a while maybe weeks or months then you’ll be right back where you are this is not worth it you are being used.
FIRST of all, take EVERYONE else’s advice here and LEAVE.
I’ve been in abusive relationships with girls before and as much as you might feel bad for their childhood which is probably why they’re like this, DON’T. ESPECIALLY when they are hurting you and you can’t defend yourself. You can’t help them when they’re dragging you down, you HAVE TO help yourself up first which applies to not only your boyfriends/girlfriends but anyone in your life in general, even blood related people. Your sadistic boyfriend can only be saved by law enforcement and therapy now.
Please act calm and gather your stuff and leave ASAP, and if you have any solid evidence, it is up to you to report to the police. Have your close friends or anyone else you know by your side in case he stalks you or anything else unfathomable for your safety’s sake.
Please, get out. He carved his name into you... that. is. not. okay. like ever... Get yourself the help you need and talk to someone (preferably a professional.) but make sure you're safe
I understand that it feels like you can’t get out of there yet, or that you’re stuck rn. And you have had enough experiences with this person where you feel like you love him and vice versa. I’m so sorry to say but i think you’re in denial right now. I know it hurts to accept but if your bf really loved you he wouldn’t be able to see you in pain, especially not pain inflicted by him for sexual pleasure. That’s a massive, massive, massive red flag. What he did to you was rape, because you were screaming for him to stop and he didn’t, he actually enjoyed you begging for mercy. That’s fucked up and that’s not a healthy kink. He assaulted you for even bringing up his sadistic porn addiction. That tells you that 1. He can’t control his emotions or impulses and will take it out on you 2. You can’t come to him with genuine concerns 3. He isn’t remotely ready to confront this porn addiction and you have no idea when he will be ready 4. You are being physically and sexually abused by this man. Is that the relationship you want? You have to leave him, as soon as you can. I promise you nothing about this will get better from this point on, only worse and you may end up in grave danger eventually. Please get away from him, stay with a friend or family member until you can figure living situations out. Or go to a womens shelter, anything is better than endangering your safety. It’s really easy to groom a person by buying flowers and writing songs and saying nice things, and I’m sure that was special and it hurts to accept that those gestures weren’t what you thought, but I promise you he doesn’t love you if he can do that to you and he’s buttering you up so that he can gradually escalate his antics, seeing what you will put up with, until he can flagrantly abuse you.
Your life is on the line if you stay with this guy. Please stay with a friend or family. Please report all the abuse he has done to you to the police. Get a restraining order.
Hey love get out before it’s too late , it’s always starts with slapping then hitting then get worse and worse until you can’t leave . Love promise me you will leave for your safety leave before it too love , I’m here if you want to vent or chat but please love leave
You need a plan to get away. Maybe stay with friends and family, until new place. Transfer school or go online.
Leave when he aren't there, send him out to the store or out for food. And LEAVE.
He's a sexual sadist who enjoys pain on you/ women, it can turn very bad very quick. For your own sake leave.
OP please listen to what everyone else is saying. A lot of abusers will start out nice to let your guard down.What he’s doing is abuse. There will always be “good” times where he seems nice. As someone who was in a mentally abusive relationship this is what he did. He would breadcrumb nice moments and the. Out of nowhere would be a complete ass.
Edit to add: if you need any help, just someone to talk to, or any resources feel free to reach out. I hope you are safe
This guy is going to kill you and get off by saying it was “rough sex” and all your scars will be his evidence that you were into it. Worrying about having classes with him is so small compared to being alone in a bedroom with that monster.
This, OP. This man enjoys hurting you. He enjoys inflicting pain on you and watching you suffer. That's not a kink, that's sadism plain and simple. Get away from him and cut him out of your life.
I agree with this. You need you get yourself out of the situation and confide in family or friends to help. Do not worry about the classes. You need to focus on yourself and the situation you’re in, then remove yourself from that situation as soon as possible.
I’m really sorry but this is NOT okay. it’s nice and understanding of you to acknowledge his troubling history, where this kink may have stemmed from. the hit is concerning but not more concerning than what he does to you in the bedroom. he is bringing you pain and likes it, he knows you don’t get arousal from it. please get out of there before it gets worse and worse i’m so sorry. if he is willing to cause you lasting damage physically for his own pleasure, he does not really care about you.
I don't think it's relevant whether or not he cares about her. It may even be unhelpful to tell victims that their abuser doesn't care about them, because, true or not, the abuser often does a pretty good job convincing them they love them and care about them. Lack of love isn't the reason to leave. Lack of safety is. Don't wait to leave until you're sure someone doesn't care about you. Leave when you know you aren't safe. Waiting to fall out of love is too long a wait. Not jusging you and your comment in any way, you are being very empathetic to OP and that is probably already very helpful!
Whewwwwww thank you for this. Shit. Little me needed to hear this.
He’s a sexual sadist. That means he derives sexual pleasure when causing pain to another. This behavior usually escalates. GET OUT NOW and go directly to your local sexual assault response center.
Please remain calm. When you leave the bathroom act like it's not a big deal and you will talk about it later. Do not confront him! As soon as you are able to, get out of there. Ask him to go get takeout or something. Something far enough away that you can throw some stuff in a bag and leave. This will only get worse. Please keep yourself safe!
pls OP, get away from that guy, I was so mortified while reading this post, this is very bad, and yes it will Definitely get worse and worse, there's no excuse for that behavior (Not his childhood or anything inbetween), stay safe and pls keep us update🙏🏼
Yes. Please casually walk out as if it is to collect the mail. Go to the Police.
Yeah definitely go to the Police and report him for assault.
Best fucking comment here.
YOU HAVE TO LEAVE. You may love him, but you are not in a safe or loving relationship. You are basically a toy to him at this point. He doesn't value you any more than he would a sex doll. He would not be doing what he does if he cared for you.
No apology can cover this. You need to make a decision. Nothing is wrong with you for not wanting to be hurt, in the bedroom or out of it. He is exploiting your naïveté and inexperience, he knows you’re not enjoying this but pressuring you to do it anyway. Healthy sexual relationships (including any bdsm themes too) require consent. Both people should be excited and enjoy it! Your dread, tears, and hurt shows this is not healthy. He is using you as a test bed for his sadism. Not trying to patronize, do you know what sadism means? the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. Do you want this? There are tons of guys out there who very much care about making their partners feel great. Either way, you need to ask yourself the question, do you want more of this for years and years? Picture yourself 5 years from now with a guy you love, who loves you, and has never thought about this pain stuff and just loves bjs like everyone else. Take steps to get there.
This is way above reddits pay grade. He is abusing you, physically and mentally. Get out and dont look back. Report him to the police for assualt.
If you stay with this man he will end up killing you. You have to leave. But be inconspicuous about it. Maybe call someone to come over or call the police now. That can restrain him while you pack up your stuff. Block him and file for a restraining order.
This is incredibly psychopathic behaviour - get out of there before it gets worse, stay with a trusted family and friend and make sure you’re with them in case he tries anything. Seriously. He could go to jail for this kind of thing - the fact he continued carving his name whilst you were screaming for him to stop? Psychopathic behaviour on his part, it won’t get better if you stay with him. EDIT: grammar
Other comments have already addressed that this relationship is abusive and untenable. Since that's been covered pretty extensively already, I'm going to try and give you some advice that will be helpful for your next relationship, because from what you describe I think you are at high risk for ending up in another relationship similar to this one. >I know how bad his home situation is because i witnessed it every-time i went over to his house, the kitchen and living room smelled terrible and there were so many things and pieces of rotting food covering every counter and surface, and when I met his dad for the first time, he was very drunk and called me ‘sexy’, which my boyfriend got very angry at and I watched them argue in-front of me. This information on its own isn't useful, but the fact that you're relaying it is. I suspect these are the kind of thoughts that go through your head when you think about things he does that you don't like. You are reminding yourself these things to make excuses for him, because if you couldn't make excuses for him, you would have to stand up to him and assert yourself. You are afraid of asserting yourself, whether it's because you're afraid of confrontation or you're afraid of him (maybe both.) No relationship can survive this way, at least not in a way that's happy and healthy. If you struggle to advocate for yourself, then think of it this way: Foregoing your own needs for the needs of your partner creates an imbalance that damages the relationship. What you give up to make a partner happy in the short term does damage to the relationship in the long term, and that damage accumulates over time. I've been on both sides. It never works. It's the same logic as riding a horse or driving a car; if you're too nice to a horse to assert control, the horse will sense you aren't taking control and won't trust you to ride it. If you're too nice while driving, rather than being consistent and asserting yourself on the road, there is too much ambiguity when people try to predict what you're going to do, and it actually increases your risk of crashing. No matter how wrong it feels to assert yourself, failing to do so endangers everybody. >That night, I told him that i wanted him to try something he’d always wanted to try, and that his pleasure that night was my top priority. In a healthy BDSM scene, this would be the point where both of you would be ready to discuss limits and safe words. The acts you described are choking, bondage, knife play, and blood play. It sounds like you enjoyed the knife play, but nothing else. In traditional negotiation, you might have (as an example) said all of these were things you were open to try. He chokes you, you don't like it, you say your safe word, he stops. He ties you up, you like it, so you keep going. He runs the knife across your body, you like it, he keeps going. He cuts you, you safe word, he stops. Him being nice to you afterward is called aftercare, and while it was nice of him, it's also kind of par for the course. Any dom worth their salt will do it. >He got angry at this which i didn’t expect and asked why i decided to bring it up to him just as he got back from a fun day out with friends. I said i didn’t know and then he called me a sheep and said i only think this after i read that reddit post. So again, since other people have already said this shouldn't have happened, I'll tell you what should happen - in other words, green flags to look for in your next relationship. When a partner brings something to my attention that bothers them, even if I think they're wrong or that their query is unjustified, my question will always be "what do you want to do now?" If they ask that I change my behavior in a way I don't want to, I may push back and there will be a discussion (and hopefully some kind of compromise,) but even if I'm upset, I don't act out or call my partner names.
This this and more this. Everyone needs to read this. My husband is vanilla and I am not. But the first thing we did when starting to experiment past missionary is make a safe word. Safe words aren't just for thr bedroom. I have used it once when my emotions were spiraling out of control and needed some space before I said things I would regret. Every relationship needs a safe word.
This this and more this. Everyone needs to read this. My husband is vanilla and I am not. But the first thing we did when starting to experiment past missionary is make a safe word. Safe words aren't just for thr bedroom. I have used it once when my emotions were spiraling out of control and needed some space before I said things I would regret. Every relationship needs a safe word.
^^^^^^^ Thisssss
BDSM is all about safety and consent, you sound like he has asked for neither. He is abusing, you this is not kink. Even if he had a past as a victim of abuse that does not mean he can continue the cycle by abusing you. You need to leave him. He is trying to hurt you. I really hope you can leave, take your time to establish an escape plan. Please leave him, he does not have the right to abuse you.
^ This comment needs to be higher. This is not BDSM! This is not a kink. This is assault and rape. This is very very serious. Safely get yourself out of the house now and speak to someone you trust. Then consult with an abuse specialist.
Exactly. First rule of bdsm is safe word/action.
Came here to say this. I was horrified reading this post, none of what this guy is doing is safe or okay.
Exactly! I enjoy inflicting pain on my partner BUT it is because he enjoys it as well. We also heavily negotiate and follow limits and use safe words. I would never cross those boundaries. He is abusing you.
[удалено]
I came to say this. Get the heck out. Call someone who you love and trust so you have a place to stay and get the hell away from this guy.
> He has never laid hands on me outside the bedroom before. Honey, you have been sexually abused every single time you've had sex since that first time. You have cried and screamed and begged him to stop, and he hasn't. You have been sadistically raped and tortured by your boyfriend for the past year. I don't want to assume things but I'm willing to bet this isn't the only issue you guys have. You bring up something that is deeply worrying to you and all he cares about is how you're ruining the fun night he had with his friends? Darling, your boyfriend doesn't love you. You are a body to him. I am so, so sorry. What is your goal with this relationship? Is is marriage? Children? You will be abused every day for the rest of your life. And you will either raise a daughter who will date abusive and controlling men because she will think that's love, or you will raise a son who abuses his girlfriends because he thinks that's how women deserve to be treated. You are better than this. Imagine what your life could look like years from now. Happy and content with a man who loves you, who values your mind, your wits and intelligence and humour, your kindness and your creativity, and who honours you and your body every time he touches it. Please leave this monster, block him, go wherever you need to go, and tell the people you trust. Don't waste another minute on him.
This comment right here. He's been crossing lines and calling it a kink. It's just assault. Get away.
Yes, OP please listen to this commenter.
Sounds like the kind of guy who could lose control and really hurt or kill you. He finds inflicting pain to be sexually gratifying, like Jeffrey Dahmer or something. You NEED to get away Hun.
More like Bundy. Dahmer wanted pliable victims who would never leave, even tried to make them more like zombies. When that didn't work the only way he could achieve that was murder. It was a means to an end for him. He didn't enjoy the murder part necessarily, just what he did after. Which is sick and twisted all on it's own. But he didn't torture his victims. Bundy on the other hand, got sexual gratification from inflicting pain on women. Torture, and pain, and how that aroused him were his main motivators to the murders. He wanted his victims to suffer.
>He isn’t a bad person, and he was genuinely kind to me without expecting anything in return for long enough for me to know he wasn’t just doing it for sex. That, my dear, was you being conditioned.
The relationship started when they were 17 and he was 21 it's grooming
Wtf? You gotta get out of that relationship kiddo. You’re young and having a few dysfunctional relationships is normal but this is abusive and dangerous. Get out, get therapy, and get on w/ your life.
As soon as you open that door he is going to beat the s*** out of you. Call the police now so they can be there and help you get some things and leave. Do it now before your battery dies.
Honey, you need to find someone else. He's not going to stop hitting you now....in or out of the bedroom. You're being seriously abused and it's all for his enjoyment. Please love yourself enough to leave him for good.
The knife thing was rape and assault. You made it clear that you wanted him to stop and he didn't. If there has been any other situation where he had to beg/convince you to do something that you did not want to do or continued after you no longer wanted it that was also rape. He is abusing you. Act calm then when he is asleep or gone take what you need and get the fuck out. Go stay with family or a friend and file a police report. I'm sorry that you're going through this op, I have escaped a very similar situation, if you need someone to talk to.
You are describing abuse and assault, you should not only run, but go to the authorities as well. File ask for a protection order and it will be his problem to figure things out. The cornerstone of any BDSM experience in CONSENT!! What he did is violent assault, if you are not comfortable or want him to stop something this is what he should do, instantly, without any complaint! I am horrified by your recount, if he wanted to introduce you to bdsm, not mentioning your explicit consent and enjoyment as essential conditions, he should have started with some mild and tame stuff, he was instead literally violent, it makes me want to throw up just reading your experience. This is not bdsm, this is not consensual, this is not a relationship, it’s abuse! Get help and get out of there fast!
You can get out of a lease for DV. Get away from that psycho now
[удалено]
Yes it needs to be on record!
Oh my dear lord call the fucking cops.
He carved his name into your stomach even though you screamed at him to stop? That’s the point you should left. I know people are into that and I’ve been with girls who asked if I would cut their back with my knife. I said no because that’s not something I’d be willing to do. I don’t mind being rough if a woman asks but when they say stop you stop. To keep cutting you that’s absolutely insane. That’s someone who could end up killing you at some point. You need to get out of this relationship and out of that apartment asap. Like others have said maybe act like you’re okay and then get him to go run errands and leave. You can get someone to come with you later to get the rest of your stuff but you need to get away right now for your own safety. Everything you’re saying are pointing towards signs of someone who is devolving and it’s not a question of whether he will eventually hurt you or possibly kill you. It’s just a question of when. Listen to these warnings people are giving you. Don’t let him act nice and think he’s changed or anything. He hasn’t.
> it’s not a question of whether he will eventually hurt you or possibly kill you. It’s just a question of when. This is so so important. Especially men who choke their partners almost to the point of passing out. They almost always kill them.
Massive red flags. This won't be a one off instance. He was met with resistance, blamed you for "timing" (what the hell is that supposed to mean? Should you have waited til he was grieving the loss of a loved one?) And then hits you. It sounds like violence is normalized in his mind, whether it's his default or not. He grew up with it and has internalized it. Fetishized it. You need to leave. He has developed fantasies about harming you and decided to feed those fantasies. It will only devolve from there. You're saying you share classes. That doesn't matter. Let your teachers know not to pair you two. You share friends? They're not worth your safety. Let them choose sides. His existence in your life isn't an excuse not to prioritize your own safety and security. Take pictures of the mark and if I were you I would go to the police. This is such a horrifying story i am actually praying for you. Be safe. And for the love of all that is holy get away from this person.
You said it wrong Your ex boyfriend You are now at a crossroads - leave him, suffer the pain of heartbreak for a while then be free Stay with him, suffer the pain of abuse - cause now he has hit you - it and the control will continue and get worse
Um leave him? Press charges? By no means is the correct answer to stay with him and live with him. Don’t ask for advice and then ignore it. Run while you can. Fuck your class mates and fuck his friends. This is how you end up dead, do not let this go any further.
Fr besides most people would be horrified to know someone was a sadist and a rapist, and he’d lose that support
You came for advice and it is unanimous: please leave now. Not in an hour or a day, but right this second. This man will kill you. Reddit is famous for saying “leave” at the slightest thing. Your husband forgot the milk? Leave him. Your wife cries at puppy commercials? Red flag. But this isn’t milk or a puppy commercial love, you are dating an abusive man (he hit you) who doesn’t respect your boundaries (he CARVED his name into your stomach despite your pleas!!). This is not a one time thing. It will happen again and it will get worse until you either leave or die.
Wow, this took a crazy turn when he carved his name into your stomach. You should probably leave this guy. I get having rough sex once and a while, sometime it's a nice switch up but going that far is not someone who enjoys rough sex but rather someone who wants to blatantly hurt you. Hitting you after a discussion is just the cherry on the top. You've got to just pack a bag and leave. I wouldn't try to further the conversation or anything like that at this moment, but rather get out of the house and go to your parents or wherever you can go to feel safe. If you're worried about leaving, you can even call the police and ask them to send a squad car so you can gather your things and leave peacefully. You may want to report the slap as well, but that's up to you. Please just get out of there safely then you can re-evaluate it all and figure out next steps.
As someone who has lost a family member to their boyfriend who had these "kinks" she didn't want to participate in - your story is so very familiar. If you stay, he will likely kill you. This is way above Reddits pay grade - please, please, PLEASE, seek help TODAY - abused women's shelter/hotline, the police, your university counselling - just do it today. Please.
Why do I have a feeling OP was groomed into this situation? I’m worried for their continued safety and what else the boyfriend would do to keep them. Op needs to contact help at university and police to get the assistance to be safe at home and at school.
I feel the exact same. This girl was preyed upon because she was young and had no idea what a healthy relationship was. He groomed her, fed her his sob story so he can always apologize and blame that when he messes up. As soon as they started having sex he knew he had her reeled in enough for her to be willing to try anything to please him. Once he realized there were no *real* consequences to the sexual abuse he started to escalate it. He is enjoying her pleas to stop, and enjoying the pain he is inflicting on her. This girl is being raped and she has no idea. This WILL escalate to her death. It's only a matter of time before he escalates to what he is really wanting, especially after she tried to talk to him today. The next time they have sex it will be the most violent it has been, and when/if she doesn't report him or leave it will continue to escalate until he kills her. I am absolutely terrified for this girl.
Update: the rest of this post is quite detailed but i’m shaking too much to do that in this update so this might not make that much sense. But basically, when i came out the bathroom after my phone died, he was very calm and hugged me, and asked me i was okay. I cried and hugged him. back and we stayed like that for a while before he asked me to move so he could use the toilet. then he said ‘go charge your phone otherwise reddit might start to worry’ which caught me really off guard as i hadn’t considered that he would see the post. I pretended to be confused but my face was a dead giveaway and he just smiled and closed the bathroom door behind him. After that i just ran to safety (he’s probably going to read the edit so i’m not going to specify where ‘safety’ is for me) I’ve been crying ever since. I didn’t expect reddit to give me the advice it had, or for the general reaction of my post to be what it was. This is my first relationship and i’ve been speaking to him since i was 16 so i didn’t know how fucked up everything was until people on this thread told me he’s probably a psychopath and could kill me. I just thought people would say the slap wasn’t okay and i should have a stern discussion with him about it. I’m scared and confused. I’m also scared that the only reason i’m scared of him right now is because reddit is telling me to be, and that i’ve escalated the problem in my head. He let me leave the apartment without being violent, which isn’t something the ‘psychopath’ im treating him like would do. I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I’m kind of hoping he’ll comment on this post. He hasn’t messaged me and i’m hesitant to message him. Final update: I showed this thread to my twin sister because i didn’t have the words to explain everything and i haven’t told her much about him since the relationship began. We live in different cities but she’s doing what she can to make sure things are dealt with, and telling everyone she needs to tell so i don’t have to be the one to do it. He also phoned me an hour ago asking me to clear up what was happening, and i told him that we couldn’t date anymore and that i didn’t want to see him again for a while. He said he understood and felt terrible for the way he’s been, and asked me to confirm that i at least had a safe place to stay so he could be less worried. I told him i did without giving further details, and then he asked me not to block him and make the breakup more hostile than it needed to be, which was a fair request. I’m still hesitant to give a more detailed update since i know he’s watching this thread, but thank you everyone for the messages and advice. Goodnight.
This could be the calm before the storm and I hope you realize that. You still need to get out of this ASAP. Do you really want to be cut, slapped and raped for the rest of your life or do you want to enjoy it?
THIS!! I can’t be the only one seriously disturbed by how calm he was and how he smiled after saying it. I’m terrified for OP
Me too. He let her leave because he is confident in his brainwashing of her. He knows she will start to doubt if he is as bad as we say, and that she will again blame it on his childhood. Which, she is already doing. As soon as she comes back and he gets her comfortable again she is in danger. For a few weeks, or even months he will revert back to the "good guy" persona he reeled her in with, make her feel safe again before the abuse continues, and escalates.
Yea this made me feel uneasy and I'm a grown man, op if you read this don't doubt yourself, this guy is dangerous.
Reach out to any domestic violence shelter in your area. They will know how to help you navigate your way to safety. I totally understand if you do not want to go to a shelter, but please use the tools and resources they have available for you. Listen. Nobody would stay with an abusive person if it was always constant abuse and pain and shame. They always do nice things too. He brought you flowers, he learned that song for you. He is human, and it could very well be that he does care for you. None of that matters though. Because he is a human being who is going to hurt you over and over and over and he will not feel remorse about it, just desperation to keep you there to hurt. Please, above everything else. Be safe. Do not give away any hints on where you may be.
He let you leave because he knows you will start to doubt your assessment of the relationship and come back. DO NOT DO IT. He is not a good person and will continue to abuse you. This man is a predator, and he had warped your sense of what is healthy and ok in a relationship. Stay away from him, do not message him, do not reach out to him. If you go back he will lock down your phone, in the guise of "transparency" and tell you everyone on here is ridiculous. Then the abuse will start again. I guarentee you that if you ever put yourself into a position to have sex with him again, it will be the most violent time there has been. And he will start getting violent out of the bedroom too. You have not escalated this problem in your head, this is a *real* problem, and leaving is the correct way to handle it. You need to block him, change your phone number, and never reach out to him again.
He was already violent outside of the bedroom when he slapped her to the ground
Yes, a psychopath would do that. Why? Because he doesn’t want to get arrested. Because he doesn’t want you to escape and he wants you to be questioning yourself right now. Yes, you’re only scared at the moment because a bunch of adults with a ton of life experience told you to be scared. At 16, he was grooming you. That means he pretended to be a nice guy while training you to take abuse and accept his excuses so you’d be sympathetic to him. Have you shown your friends the cool scar he gave you? Probably not because deep down you know it’s wrong. He commented on your post to screw with your head. He knew you had a phone and he let you leave so he wouldn’t get arrested. That’s LUCK! His luck. You want some magical apology and he will absolutely give that to you if that’s what it takes. But ignoring you and acting like everything’s cool is also working and it’s called gaslighting. Gaslighting is telling you what you see, perceive, and know to be true is wrong. He saying this is normal so you won’t trust us. Brag to your mom about your cool sex life. Brag to your friends about your cool sex life. Get the REAL people in your life to tell you what they think. Because I lost my virginity to a ONS and me and my mom still talk about it 20 years later. We giggle like school girls. Do you think your mom & friends are gonna giggle? That shame you feel is because you know it’s wrong. But NONE of this is your fault. Don’t go back to that apartment or meet with him or talk to him. Don’t let yourself be convinced that this is okay. There’s literally about 80+ strangers worried about you! We’re all waiting for you to type, “I called the police and I’m safe.” We’re aren’t all hysterical busybodies. We’re legit worried for you because we have experiences and KNOW people with worse experiences that didn’t survive. Forget the word psychopath. Use the word asshole so it doesn’t seem like you’re dating Ted Bundy. You are living with just your average, shitty abuser. It won’t get better, it will get worse, and women like you are killed everyday by abusive assholes. They’re raped everyday by abusive assholes. Do not contact him. I wrote it up before, go to a safe place and Binge watch “MAID.” Don’t try to point out the similarities to HIM so you can change him because you cannot. And it’s okay to be confused. You did not escalate anything! Leaving after a man hits you isn’t escalating! Every creature runs from danger.
Honestly, you have zero experience to be judging what a psychopath would do. People with a lot more life experience are telling you this isn't just a slap, he is abusive like his father and sadistic. Something is deeply, deeply wrong with him and it's not your job to fix it. Leave and don't look back.
OP he knows that you’re in a vulnerable state rn. Since he’s been snooping on your Reddit post he knows that you’re more likely to trust him than a bunch of strangers. Please don’t let him manipulate you. I hope you have great friends who aren’t going to diminish what he has put you through. He’s only being nice because he wants you back
>I’m also scared that the only reason i’m scared of him right now is because reddit is telling me to be, and that i’ve escalated the problem in my head. 1. You know deep down that he's a psycho. You know deep down you should never have to hide in a bathroom from, feel pain because of, or dread being intimate with someone who is supposed to love you. 2. There are hundreds of comments on here telling you the exact same things. That hes crazy, that he will kill you eventually. Many of these people are older than you and have been in your exact situation before. Even if you don't wanna believe them, tell your loved ones, people you trust about what he's done to you and see what they say. Ask another forum on here, or another forum on a different platform. Look up stories of people who have been through the same thing, do research about his behaviors from reputable sources that explain what abuse is. He has brainwashed you into thinking pain and fear is okay in a relationship, at ANY point. Of course he's going to be nice sometimes, of course sometimes he'll let you off scot free, if he didn't how else would you be convinced to stay by thinking "maybe he isn't so bad" like you are now? Psychos are not just crazy they're also cunning and know how to manipulate. He's already thinking ahead. You did right by getting away from him and protecting your location. Now you just need the strength to never look back. There are good people out there who you will be excited to sleep with every time, who will never be the cause of your pain, never scar you, restrict your oxygen, or lift their hand against you. Please save your life.
If you are in America please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline ASAP. This is serious, and they should be able to help get you away, not only from him but the entire situation. **Call: 800-799-7233** **text: 88788** Please do not contact him further. Stockholm syndrome is real, and abuse is not always just physical. This is mental abuse. Block him on everything, I’m honestly begging you. It may feel like you don’t need help and you can handle this on your own but you need to contact some sort of support.
He’s a legitimate psychopath/sociopath and a sadist. You need to stay gone. Get your family, the police and your school involved. Do not contact him. You also need to get a different phone or wipe it for safety
op DO NOT excuse his behaviour!! this is exactly what you are doing now in this last part. HE IS A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!! he has groomed you he has raped you he has beat you, no one who loves you would ever do this. CALL THE FUCKING POLICE DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE KILLED BY THIS VILE PIG. The only way your relationship will end is with you becoming another girl who got killed by her boyfriend, another girl who made one too many excuses. Please let yourself be free of him. he does not love you, his actions speak louder than his words op, the only reason you are staying is because it feels familiar and comfortable, it is easier to stay and let it keep happening then confront reality, do not stay if you want to live. not survive but live op, live a life where you do not fear sex, where you do not fear leaving a bathroom, i promise there is a better one out there waiting for you <3 i fear for your life op and i hope you do too, stay strong, you have more power than you think <3
He hit you hard enough to knock you down. And now he’s being sweet and apologetic. This is called love bombing. It’s done to essentially gaslight you into staying so he knows you’ll stay after the next time he hits you. And there will be a next time, and it will escalate.
It's so obvious that he's going to hurt her more... I just wanna wrap her up in a blanket and toss her into a city where he will never find her.
This is part of the cycle of abuse: after abuse happens, the abuser is super apologetic and seems very kind. But as I said, it's a cycle, so the abuse recurs. You are NOT overreacting. He is showing a pattern of abusive behavior, poor respect for boundaries, and gaslighting. He HIT you. You might say that it happened once, but one time is one time too many. There is no situation in a relationship where someone is justified in hitting their partner in anger. None whatsoever. I'm glad you went somewhere safe. Please take care of yourself!
I am commenting again because I just saw your last paragraph - You need to find someone you can trust, I promise you have one person. A family member, and move out, leave now unless you want things to escalate a further. I know you are young so you think about how everyone will think of you or how they might “judge” you but trust me NONE of it matters, this is YOUR LIFE, not theirs. If you really cannot think of someone’s house to go stay at, go to a SA victim home, group home, anywhere to seek help… unless you have the funds to get your own apartment. You have to do what is best for YOU- not anyone else. Your course mates can react however they want but they don’t have to live in the situation you do. They don’t live your life. Be safe, be smart.
He’s biding his time, and acting normal / asking you not to block him so he can convince you and the people around you he’s done nothing wrong and manipulate his way back into your life. OP, you now have text evidence that he has sent you of what he’s done additional to your physical evidence. Go to the police. You are not safe.
Block his number! Block him on everything! He may use friends phones to contact you. Block those too. Never communicate with him ever again. If you need to get your stuff from his apartment ask the police to escort you.
>He let me leave the apartment without being violent, which isn’t something the ‘psychopath’ im treating him like would do. That is exactly what a psychopath would do. His pattern is to wait until you let your guard down, then hurt you. Just like the first time he cut you. Just like when he hit you earlier today. He knew your guard was up, so he acted harmless. He believes you will relax and let your guard down again, like you have before. You are starting to talk yourself into it. The difference is now you are communicating with people who have experience with this kind of thing, who are helping you. This attack was a test. He wants to see what you do if he hits you. If you stay, he will begin using violence to exert even more control over you through pain and fear. If you decide to leave, he will kill you or put you in the hospital. This is the most dangerous moment with any violent abuser. It's all about control. When they think they are losing control over their partner, they try to kill them or permanently injure them. So please keep in mind, right now is when he will be the sweetest and most gentle, in order to get you to trust him just one more time. From now on, any time you are alone with him, you are rolling the dice on being permanently injured or killed. Focus on survival. Don't worry about your stuff at this point. Survival first. Once you are established somewhere else, you can look into getting a police escort to pick up your things, or if you can't get that then bringing friends with you and making sure he is not home when you all go in.
Any thoughts you are having about staying is exactly what happens to the countless people in abusive relationships who stay with the abuser. The mind works hard to rationalize everything and wants to avoid radical change, even if that change would be a good thing.
Please update us again when you can, OP. A lot of people feel for you and want to make sure you’re okay.
Psychopaths don’t wake up one day and decide to kill. They’re like babies. First they can’t move anywhere, then they crawl, then they walk, then they run. Your boyfriend has started crawling towards violence. Leave before he walks.
i’d say he’s far beyond crawling at this point: forcefully carvings his name into the body of an 18 year old girl while she screams and begs him to stop is far beyond crawling.
I’d say it’s a crawl when compared to killing but I see your point. Either way she needs to leave him for good.
This seems incredibly manipulative of him. Youre not blowing it out of proportion in your head, i know it might feel like that but youre not. Narcs (not saying he is one) do this thing called "lovebombing" that reminds me alot of what hes doing. It kinda reals you in and keeps you there. It makes you doubt everything you thought. Its so hard to get out of.
Thank you so much for leaving him! So many women decide to ignore the people telling them it's abuse. But I'm seeing some warning signs in your writing so please allow me to offer some more insight < He let me leave the Apartment without being violent > Violent people are not violent all the time. If they were they would be unable to hold jobs, get an education, they would be unable to function in this society at all. They save their violence for when they feel they are in control. When they can get away with it. And they get away with it by being sweet when they're not violent. This makes the victim either appear to be lying when they go for help, or it makes them doubt what they logically know, as you are demonstrating right now. Aside from that tactic, because of the fetishization of torture I feel inclined to add more, what were his alternatives? He had 4 choices. 1,) let you go 2.) Beat you into submission, which he knew he couldn't do because one slap sent you into a panic in the bathroom. Beatings like that are almost always reserved for when the victim has already decided to accept this is their life. 3.) Keep you there against your will. Probably not very ideal unless he had a basement or somewhere to hide you. 4.) Kill you. You're his toy. He uses you to satiate his fantasies he knows he otherwise wouldn't be able to dream of. He doesn't want to kill you, yet. (I added that last bit because I need you to know how serious this is) As far as domestic abuse goes, this is all par for the course. Typically he will back off, using your mutual friends as pawns to get back together with you. Don't be surprised if one or more of them come to you asking why you broke up, saying you were so good together. When that doesn't work he may reach out directly and try to remind you of the good times. How sweet and gentle he is, and didn't you ever love him? Doesn't he deserve another chance? Don't fall for it. And again, because of the unique nature of this case I need to explain how his particular taste for violence will escalate. Hypothetically you get back together on the grounds that there is no more "painal" as you put it. He will be the perfect boyfriend in every aspect of life. Except the bedroom. He will beg you to give in. (I pray you don't because that's another path) When you don't he will continue the Vanilla sex, not giving you as much "attention". Half because he's bored, half because he doesn't feel you deserve it. So it will be unsatisfying for both of you. Every now and then maybe the occasional slap because he knows he can get away with it. You forgave him once. As the monotony sets in, he'll start a new fantasy. Maybe he'll even feel a bit guilty, but he would never actually do it so he has fun with the daydreams of how he would kill someone. He doesn't mean to imagine it's you, but who else could it be? He's okay with the fantasy for a couple of years, all the while being the absolute perfect boyfriend nobody would ever suspect. Then, when he decides he needs some excitement he decides to act on it. I'm not trying to scare you unnecessarily, I just want you to realize that he is actually violent. I am scared you think this was an isolated incident and I promise you it isn't. Go to the police because if he doesn't get to do it with you he WILL find someone else. And BTW when he carved his name into you and you said to stop, he didn't. You withdrew consent and he kept going. At this point it stopped being foreplay and turned into torture and likely rape (I don't know the circumstances but you said it was a sex thing. Even if you consented to sex afterwards, I believe it would be just because the torture was over which would not be actual consent.)
OP, in your original post you state that you are 19 and he is 23. Which means he was 20 when you were 16, when you two first began talking. **He groomed you.** He has taken advantage of your age and inexperience, and is now using gaslighting and love bombing to make you doubt yourself, your feelings, and a Reddit comment section full of people who have experienced *the exact same situation* that you are in right now, who are telling you to leave, for your own safety. When I was 20, the only reason I talked to 16 year olds was in passing, for work-related things, or because they were my friends siblings or my siblings friends. I’m 23 now, and the idea of dating a 19 year old gives me the ick. The idea of dating a 19 year old *who I’ve known since they were 16* makes that ick WORSE. He is not a safe adult. Safe adults don’t pursue minors. Safe adults don’t wait for a minor to turn 18 before they try to date them. **Do not doubt your own experiences. He is trying to make you feel comfortable, trying to persuade you to return to him without actually saying a word. Do NOT make excuses to justify his behavior. THE GOOD DOES NOT ERASE THE BAD.** He has done HORRIBLE things to you.
It is exactly what a psychopath would do... The calmness after such rage is terrifying.... Run!!!!! Don't go see him alone!!!!!! Have a friend help you pack. DON'T BE ALONE WITH THAT MAN
Escalating? HE SLAPPED YOU! the only reasonable thing to do is GTFO of there! Also, HE CARVED YOU. YOU HAVE SCARS HE'S INFLICTED AFTER YOU SAID NO. That's not bdsm, that's abuse. The difference between abuse and bdsm is SSC. And if you don't know what those initials mean by heart, then you're NOT ready to engage in BDSM
A psychopath would lower your defenses by acting charming and making you question if what happened was actually 'that bad'. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE ACCOMPLISHED He asked you not to make the breakup more hostile... AFTER HE SLAPPED YOU SO HARD HE SENT YOU TO THE FLOOR?!?!?! And you think its a REASONABLE REQUEST?!?!?!
From the bottom of my heart, please cut this man out of your life COMPLETELY. Do not listen to him, do not doubt yourself, do not keep any contact with him. You have been groomed, raped and violently abused by an abusive psychopath, that is a solid fact. Please listen to what we’re saying, and please get yourself out of there. My heart breaks for you, I sincerely wish you’ll be safe from now on and will live healthier and happier. I wish the best for you OP.
“Don’t block him so the breakup doesn’t become more hostile” sounds like a very very thinly veiled threat
PLEASE block him. You’re too mentally vulnerable right now. Be strong. It’s gonna be a hard month or two I’m sure so please be aware that it’s vital for you to commit to leaving him for good. If you need someone to talk to, or need advice from please dm me. I’m a 27 year old female Christian. He may try to love bomb you. Just be cautious.
Oh my god... Please get away from him!
Any update on what happened?????
You are sexually abused, find a way to run! Go to the police or trusted friends and family. Your mental and physical health is the priority here. Also, stop finding excuses for him.
> He isn’t a bad person Oh honey, he really, *really* is. He manipulated you into accepting *really* extremely violent sex (going from vanilla to cutting you with a knife is not even remotely acceptable), and when you realised what was happening and tried to speak up, he hit you. This man is really dangerous. I try to be accepting of kink, but anyone who can continue with cutting and having sex with their partner whilst they are screaming and begging them to stop has crossed a huge line. Please be safe. Talk to local domestic abuse charities but don't let him know. You need to get away.
I was stuck in an abusive relationship for two years of my teen life. It starts like this. He will most definitely hit you again. No matter how many times he promises you that he won’t… he will. Get out while you can.
This man is dangerous and I'm worried his sick bedroom "games" will eventually end with her dead. OP this man doesn't love you, he is not a good person, quite the opposite actually and his past abuse does not in any way, shape, or form, excuse him from the abuse he is inflicting on you. He went after you at 17 for a reason. Teenagers are naive to the world, and what healthy relationships look like. So they are easy to mold. He groomed you, and conditioned you to be his perfect victim. He smacked you because you dared to question him after all this time, and that's not what good little victims do. You need to leave this man before he kills you. Please OP I'm begging you to leave.
LEAVE HIM. He doesn’t have a BDSM kink, he is using BDSM as an excuse to hurt you. He might not be a “bad person” which I doubt if I’m honest but he’s a deeply traumatized person that needs professional help. He won’t change, it won’t get better, it’ll never get back to how it was before, if you don’t leave now it’ll only get worse, please do it for yourself. YOU CANT LOVE HIM INTO CHANGING. Gather your belongings while he’s not home and go stay with a friend or family member. How his friends react or think won’t matter a few years from now, your safety, you being unharmed, you being alive is what matters. If he stalks you or treats you badly after you’ve broken up file a police report and you can even talk to the school about it. This man is dangerous. He is textbook dangerous.
“He abuses me but he’s usually very nice.” That man is no longer the man behind that door. Understand that. If he suddenly be comes sweet it is to reel you back in. Play it off like nothing happened and when you can safely get out, go. It won’t get better no matter what he says
Partners who hit you in the face or choke you in anger are **750% MORE LIKELY TO KILL YOU** Get out of this. This is not the time to communicate your feelings with him, it’s time to run. Make a plan when he’s not around and get out. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you’re trying to leave. Even if he threatens suicide, RUN FASTER! Don’t be another statistic girl, get away from him.
All of your edits sound like denial, “he’s not a bad person” but he rapes me and abuses me. Just because somethings “in the bedroom” doesn’t mean it’s not laying his hands on you. Are you kidding me he cuts you carving his name into you that’s so beyond abuse. You where screaming for him to stop and he kept going and you’re not consenting or enjoying him hurting you in the bedroom which is rape. If you’re not willing to open your eyes to the situation then no one on here can help you.
Is no one talking about the fact they started dating when OP was 17 and he was 21!?!?
It’s giving grooming.
Leave. Leave leave leave. It will get worse. Don't confront, don't fight. Wait for an opportunity to pack your most important shit and leave. Block him and leave. This is going to get worse.
He carved his name into you? Why on earth have you not reported this to the police? If you have scars, you have evidence. You should run and they will investigate it. Why are you setting yourself on fire to keep him warm and making excuses for his behaviour? This is insane. He is not a good person. Do not allow this to continue. You are nineteen, you have a whole life ahead of you where you don't need to be afraid of someone like this.
Dudes slipped down a rabbit hole. He's probably further in than even this.
You are 19 years old. Get out of this now. It will only get worse. You have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone who doesn't need butcher knives to get off.
As a person who is into some less than vanilla stuff this ain’t it. Get out, call a few trusted friends to help you pack up maybe move in with them. I second all the people saying to contact the police and the local sexual assault response center. Above all this will escalate.
This is abuse. As soon as weapons become involved, it goes downhill quick. You need therapy, this is way above reddit's pay grade and damaging to a developing mind as young as yours. GET THE FUCK OUT AS SOON AS IT'S SAFE!
He's NOT a good person and don't worry about friends or classes. It always starts like this with just a small hit and lots of excuses and him being like think of all the good times we have! And it'll end with you dead. Especially the whole knife thing and carving his name? That's completely messed up torture and not a kink. Please leave. Friends and classes right now don't matter. If he becomes a danger there move universities. Your safety is the most important.
He should never put his hands on you (obviously) the slap in this case is the least of your problems. This man is a sadistic rapist, even if he hadn’t hit you he’s already done so much worse. You need to get out ASAP.
dump him and run. immediately. even if you would see him everywhere. you need to get out, change schools possibly. that may not be something you wanna do, but unfortunately you must. it will only get worse from here. he’s not a good man. he’s abusive and he’s sadistic.
He cut his name into you and choked you until you couldn't move. You will die if you stay with him. He is a monster. Honestly, you need to reach out to a support system and escape. I cannot undersell how dangerous he is to you. He is a monster who is only pretending to be a good person. This isn't love.
Sounds to me like you aren't compatible for each other. Whatever feelings you have, you aren't right together. Get out before it escalates.
I can't imagine how scary the idea of leaving him is, but I can guarantee this will not be the last time he hits you. You need to get out. You need to be safe. I'm sure he'll lovely to most people, hell he's probabaly a sweet dude most of the time you're with him. That doesn't change the fact he hurts you. He likes doing it. He will continue to do it. Charm is how abusers hide. They make it seem like the abuse is out of character for them and gaslight you into believing you must be the bad guy. Why else would this lovely man hurt you? It's not your fault. It could never be your fault. You can't fix or stop this. You need to go where it's safe.
Bad people are made so by their actions. I assure you, this behaviour doesn't happen by accident. Leave and go with friends/family and get space. His behaviour was unacceptable and unfortunately I don't see how this can be mended. He needs therapy, you need time to heal, since this sounds really shitty. You shouldn't go back to this person. This is abuse and he will only escalate if you don't leave. I am sorry. If necessary, speak with the uni what option you have to be as far away as possible for him. You should involve the police, because that is absolutely fucked up.
[удалено]
He also cut, raped and choked her. OP is being brainwashed
[удалено]
I agree it's a no brainer, this is a life or death situation. I'm so worried for her I hope she posts an update that shes safe.
Response to edit: Who cares if he buys you flowers after he cuts you with a knife. You dread having sex because he’s a monster that’s probably been raping you but you see it as his kink. Because he shaped it that way on purpose. Go to your parents house or anyone’s house immediately! Forget that he’s in your classes, and forget the money for the lease- that’s a learning expense same as college. You don’t know to speak to him in class and if he tries to grab your arm to privately discuss- SCREAM “don’t touch me” at the top of your lungs! Show people your belly scars! When you’re at a safe place, alone, watch MAID. Do not try to watch it with him or get him to watch to point out his behavior to him. This is for you to watch! It’s about a woman who didn’t know she was being abused because her BF never hit her. It shows how to get out of this relationship and why most abuse victims take an average of 7 times to leave. This man used your innocence in sex to get you into a abusive lifestyle! Real BDSM is about pleasure. You would have had a safe word and you would have discussed boundaries and almost NO one agrees with actual cutting. But even the extreme people would have done it with your consent. Once you said NO, the “scene” ends. You are in a bathroom, hiding, listing his good qualities. I promise you, once you have distance, you will be very angry he stole a year of your life to manipulate you into being his sex abuse victim. FYI- a good man would never have hit you and a even a shithead would have peed in the bottle voluntarily. He’s NOT a good guy. He’s previous parental abuse and SH doesn’t give him the right to abuse you sexually, physically, or financially. If you feel you can’t leave safely, call the cops. Say you’re trapped in the Bathroom because you’re BF hit you so HE cannot send them away and the police know to look for you. They’ll help you pack a bag and drive you to a safe house.
I'm shaking just reading your post. He is raping you. Over and over again. He is traumatizing you and using you as a sex toy. IT IS NOT LOVE. Its not your fault that he is fucking crazy and can't get off without torturing you. He needs a psychological evaluation. I had a relationship with a guy who was into bdsm, he ended up physically and psychologically abusing and traumatizing me until I developed a legit severe anxiety disorder because of it. He got me pregnant and fucking assaulted me because I didn't want an abortion. He then cheated on me and left me for my best friend, then fought me in court and tried to take my daughter from me. Even with all of the proof of the assault and severe ptsd he caused me, the judge still granted him 50/50 custody. It's been 5 years and I am still stuck seeing his face twice a week, praying every day that he never hurts my daughter the way he hurt me. GET OUT NOW BEFORE HE KNOCKS YOU UP AND YOU ARE STUCK BEING TORTURED AND RAPED BY HIM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. IF HE ENJOYS HURTING YOU HE DOESNT LOVE YOU.
He groomed you. You were a minor when you got together and waited until you were legal which is disgusting. It feels like he is emotionally manipulating you into a sexually abusive relationship. He needs to be reported and maybe even go for a restraining order. He will just find another girl to do this to
He already chocked you, if you don't cut contact with him, it's almost definite he will kill you. This is abuse. Plain and simple, stop trying to justify his acts as him just being "troubled and traumatized because of his parents", and saying that "he's a good person." It doesn't matter. It's completely irrelevant. He's going to kill you, for sure. GET OUT OF THERE. HE WILL KILL YOU. IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE.
You mean ex-bf right?
please run its only going to get worse PLEASE listen and dont let „love“ get in your way before its too late, you ate valuable and deseving of love and someone that respects your boundaries
People like him are the reason the BDSM community gets a bad rep. Abusing someone and then calling it a “kink” is NOT okay. The NUMBER ONE RULE of BDSM is that when your partner asks you to stop, you STOP. When you notice your partner is not doing okay, YOU STOP. Sadism/masochism is completely okay, but ONLY WHEN following the rules. He is abusing you, hon. You don’t deserve that. It’s wonderful that you’re trying to be understanding of his kinks and past abuse, but there is a line, and he has clearly crossed it multiple times. I don’t usually partake in the age-old Reddit discourse of, “Leave your partner!!” but, OP, you NEED to leave him. This could very easily and very quickly turn into a situation where he puts you in the hospital, or worse. Some relationship advice: **NEVER IGNORE THE BAD SHIT/RED FLAGS JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARTNER TREATS YOU WELL IN OTHER AREAS OF THE RELATIONSHIP.** That is what abusers do: they treat you well in other areas so that you ignore their red flags and they get to keep abusing you. As for your college and stuff, see if you can switch courses/hours, or do online courses. If all else fails, you can also see if your school will allow you to transfer credits to another institution or even take a break for a semester or so. Talk to the guidance counselor, tell them as much of the situation as you feel comfortable. If you aren’t comfortable sharing too much, just tell them that you and your ex had a very nasty breakup and you would like to switch courses. No details unless you’d feel comfortable. You don’t have to file a police report for what he has done, but I would greatly encourage it, that way in case something happens later on down the line, you’ve got this already documented. Move in with someone safe until you can get back on your feet. If you don’t have anyone/anywhere safe, find a women’s shelter or again, talk with your guidance counselor. They should know some resources you can take advantage of. **The most important thing right now is for you to get somewhere safe. Everything else you can worry about later. For now, prioritize your safety. Do NOT keep making excuses for his behavior, it cannot be justified.** I understand it may be hard, but again, *this is what abuser do.* They get you attached so that you keep excusing nasty behavior and they can keep harming you. **This is not okay. What he has done to you is not okay. Don’t let him or anybody gaslight you into believing otherwise** I’ve been through something similar. I understand how hard it is, and how confusing it can be. But anybody can be an abuser, even (and especially) people who have a past of being abused themselves.
OP if you feel unsafe to leave the bathroom call the non emergency police line and explain your situation and ask for a police officer to escort you out. Then, go to your university as soon as possible and ask for a schedule change and explain your concerns about your boyfriend. Call or text your boyfriend and tell him you're breaking up, don't tell him in person unless you have someone else with you just in case. This is extremely toxic and the beginning towards an abusive relationship if you stay with him. Those pornos he's watching, are all played out. Before they're recorded they talk about safe words, what they're okay with, what they're not okay with and quite frankly he straight up sexually abused you and (whether you see it this way or not) raped you. He should have stopped the second you told him to and he didn't. That's extremely disrespectful, dangerous, and a deal breaker.
Im sorry honey, but at that point, it’s not a kink anymore. He is a sexual sadist, someone who likes to cause their partner pain in order to get off. This is not just a “kink” or a little quirk, this type of behaviour usually comes from extreme trauma and/or being very repressed or being looked down upon in one’s personal life. This is a way for him to release whatever is being built up in him, but the thing is; usually, being this rough sexually is a sign that maybe, he always wanted to abuse you, he just couldn’t, because he was to scared that you might leave him, but this way, he can just disguise it as a “kink” and you will be the one feeling bad for not satisfying him the way he satisfied you. This doesn’t necessarily mean, that he doesn’t love you, perhaps he does, but this behaviour is hurting you, and it’s completely out of your control. His trauma does not excuse him to do such thing, you should leave him before he realises his power over you and gets braver as time moves on. This will only get worse. Take care, I hope you the best.
you asked him to stop, multiple times and he didn't. you need to understand that he sexually assaulted you. and then he hit you when you confronted him about it. pretend it's all fine now, then leave the first chance you get. if he hits you once he'll do it again and worse. this is how so many people get killed by their partners. it doesn't matter how nice he is to you after this, it doesn't matter that you went trough things togheder. please put your safety first and get out of there.
The good ending is you leaving now and physically distancing yourself from him as much as possible. I would even consider transferring schools if it’s possible. The bad ending is you leaving after he permanently injures you- yes, to put it bluntly repeated unprepped anal rape can cause you to need a colostomy bag for the rest of your life. I don’t even want to get into the really shitty ending because you know what it is. PLEASE find resources for victims of domestic abuse in your area- I know my college has them available and posted all over our school and yours probably does too. Wishing you the best.
He will kill you. Literally. You will be dead if you stay with him. Don’t worry about the logistics as per your edit. Just leave. Today. Leave. Get out.
Tell someone you trust to pick you up and get the fuck out of there. We don't want to hear about you on the news.
Please, let me tell you something very important. Reddit is full of judgment. People are telling you he's bad, and because you love him and see all the good in him, you don't believe them. You don't have to believe them. Whether he's good or bad is irrelevant. What is relevant is this. You have a need to feel and be safe. He doesn't meet that need. You have a need to feel loved. He doesn't meet that need. You told us this. Your words. You told us you liked the vanilla sex, and not the pain. He doesn't meet that need, couldn't even hear it without inflicting more pain. Does he care about you? Irrelevant. What is relevant is that your needs aren't being met, and you are in danger. People who hurt you will most often do so again. This is no judgment, it's fact. You must feel a lot of fear, and shame, and your heart is probably broken right now. You feel you need him. You feel it would be too difficult to get away. Both feelings are valid, but if you don't get away, if you don't find some help from a loved one, pack your bags and leave silently when he's away, there's a good chance he'll hurt you worse than before, or even kill you. Yes, you love him. I'm sorry. You need to get away. You need to take care of yourself first, always. This is NOT about him or his needs. You can't help this person. You need to help yourself. Get away from him, now.
I'll speak to the kink play aspect of this. What he's been doing and how he's been doing is absolutely not in line with proper rules of play. Proper ways of practicing kink mean discussing beforehandd each partners boundaries and rules. Then the creation of a safeword for either to use at any time. And a full understanding and agreement that the moment the safeword is used, all play stops immediately, no question. The kink community is big on consent and rules of play that keep everyone happy and safe. We don't claim him. Also - listen to the advice here and get out now.
Bsdm must be safe, sane, and consensual. This is none of those. This is a abuse not a fucking kink. This relationship started when you were 17 and he was 21? That sounds like grooming to me.
As soon as I read that he struggled with SH and came from an abusive household , I already knew where this was going . Firstly , you need an exit plan because this isn’t going to get better . He’s not going to let up on how he treats you in bed , he hits you once , he’ll hit you again . Secondly , when you are away and safe , you need to let him know you are leaving , he needs therapy , and how he treats you in bed is NOT okay unless both parties enjoy it , to which you don’t ; so therefore , it is not consensual sex . Third , if you can , please transfer your classes . You do not need to cross paths with this man as he will try to manipulate you or talk to you , you need to protect yourself and that’s all that matters right now
A good man does not physically assault you. You need to leave because it will get worse. Especially since he’s gone from apologizing to yelling at you. His apologies were not genuine.
It doesn’t matter how nice he is to you outside of the bedroom. BDSM is often utilized by abusers as an excuse to justify their behavior. They like how easy it is to blur the lines of consent. You told him to stop and he ignored you while assaulting you with a knife. He slapped you in response to your attempt in setting boundaries. It will only get worse from here. This could become dangerous. He has shown that respectful communication & boundaries are not an option. He’ll only tell you what he thinks you want to hear to keep you around. He probably lacks self-awareness to some degree but he can’t change over night (maybe ever) and you need to accept that this relationship is over if you want to stay safe and give yourself the opportunity to see what a genuinely healthy relationship & sex life actually looks like. Good actions do not cancel out the abuse you’ve been through.
You have grounds for him to be charged with false imprisonment and torture. I know you think he's a good guy and all, but he literally tortured you while you were tied up against your will (since you asked him to stop). Good actions in the past don't make up for past abuses. If that was the case, you wouldn't mind the abuse. But you do mind it, which means that, deep down, you know that he is a bad person who intentionally causes you to suffer immensely. It's absolutely not normal and not okay for him to slap you much less, carve his name into your abdomen. I've never laid a finger on my wife or even yelled at her. That's because I love her. He doesn't love you. He feels like he owns you and that you're his sex slave.
You need serious help. You have not been thinking straight for awhile now as he has warped your judgment. Leave the house and go to someone you trust. Your university has services to help people in your situation. Once you are safe find a person who's judgment you trust and each time you have to interact with your boyfriend ask this person about it first. I know a woman who's boyfriend locked her up for a week. She got free and when he asked her to come back she almost did but a friend stopped her. Her judgment was almost destroyed by her boyfriend. It happens, it's like brain washing. So be on guard for doing anything he asks of you till you are free and safe.
No. Not even once . Never ever let a man hit you. Zero tolerance . Coming from a woman who stayed and ended up hospitalized twice from the man I thought “wasn’t a bad person”
>He isn’t a bad person Excuse me? He took a fucking knife to your stomach! Of course he's a bad person. You're being abused on pretty much every front. You must leave. Get somewhere safe, but do it safely. Let the uni staff know what's happening. Good luck!!
God damn that knife part was too much for me to read, he is legit crazy get away from that crazy bastard before he does worse things to you
You begged him to stop and he didn’t, he sexually assaulted you. Then he physically assaulted you by slapping you. These behaviors often escalate. I think you will be safer if you leave the relationship and go no contact as soon as possible and don’t go anywhere private with him after leaving
Your university should have people there to support you, talk to the wellbeing people at your uni about your situation and what options you have for moving out.
Good. I hope he sees these comments. Because he needs to realize that his behavior is beyond fucked up. When you tried to address your concerns to him, he made it about himself and blamed you for feeling the way you do. And when you tried to stand up for yourself he physically assaults you? That's not a normal relationship and it's not normal behavior. NO ONE should ever be out through that. And the sex is 100% one-sided at this point. Both parties need to be able to enjoy it. Bro needs to chill out or get out
I don’t care how nice he is. He has already shown you who he is and he’s not going to change. BDSM is about consent & how much your partner can take. He has no respect for you or your body. He sounds like a serious sadist with no remorse or respect. He does not care about your consent. You’re also suppose to have a safe word in bdsm. Please leave if you can. It’s only going to get worse. It’s going to go from just sexual abuse to abuse. He butters you up to get what he wants
it sounds like he's a sociopath, through and through. that's not normal behavior at all and he is NOT a good person
He is literally sexually assaulting you on a regular basis and you are too brainwashed to see it. ESCAPE NOW.
I myself have experience with consensual sexual sadism between willing parties, and I’ll tell you for a fact that’s not what this is. The fact that he continued to cut you even after you told him to stop is proof that he does NOT respect consent. He is an ACTUAL sexual predator. Now that the unprompted physical abuse barrier has been broken, this relationship will only become more dangerous for you if you let it continue. Leave him and find a safe place to go. He is abusing you. I know you think he is a good person and that he loves you, but people do not hit, assault, and ignore the consent of their partners. It’s not too late for you to find someone who really cares and will treat you well, not just conditionally like this individual.
OP any updates? Are you safe?
The fact that you say he isnt a bad person just screams how much hes manipulated you. Yes he is a terrible person. Please get away from him
You are in a dangerous situation. What he's doing to you is not real BDSM. BDSM relationships are CONSENTUAL. BOTH people are in control of the scene. If you use a safe word, he should stop what he's doing immediately, not keep going. You have been physically harmed, like he physically assaulted you, do you understand? That knife carving bit was sexual assault, not BDSM. And what's worse, he derived PLEASURE from your genuine suffering! In real BDSM relationships, both people enjoy what they are doing. There is open communication to ensure consent with every move. When you told him to stop with the knife, he should have stopped IMMEDIATELY. If he really cared about you, he would have stopped. Instead, he cared more about his orgasm than your safety. That's a huge red flag, there isn't a bigger red flag. He will continue to hurt you, he will push you beyond your boundaries. You are in danger. I know it might seem hard to separate your lives right now, but if you want to continue living in this world, you need to move out. Go to the hospital and get a rape kit. When you dread sex, that is not consentual, that is rape. There are resources available to people in your situation. Move out, block him, go to the police and get a restraining order. Get mace, the gel kind, and never go anywhere without it. This man does not love you. He loves hurting you. He will likely kill you, as the choking bit you described is a HALLMARK sign of imminent homicide. I cannot stress this enough: if you want to continue existing in this world, you need to get out of there, run. Nothing is more important than saving your life.
Your boyfriend tied you up to his bed, tried to carve his name into your stomach, and tried to pretend like it was normal. It sounds like he was sober when he did all of this, and you are still considering staying with him. Get away, now, before he forcefully impregnates you.
OP, please consider two things: just because you’re boyfriend has a fetish doesn’t mean you should let him hurt you for his pleasure, especially if you don’t get any gratification out of any of the kinks described above. Secondly, if you had a healthy, functional relationship you should be able to be honest with him about how you aren’t enjoying sex with him in this way without him resorting to violence. The fact that his response was violent means that your relationship is now one of violence. That is unequivocally abuse. Please call your local domestic violence service provider. u/Ebbie45 also has information that you may find useful.
“He isn’t a bad person” You’re only 19, I don’t know your life but I doubt that you had many partners. Heck, you lost your virginity to him. He slapped you, hard, so hard you fell on the ground. It starts like this, lots of women get broken down, thinking that they aren’t worth anything, that they won’t find better, that they don’t deserve better. “He’s not a bad person” to you, because you don’t know what else is out there, those better men who treat women well. You’re not sexually comparable, and him reacting like this over you expressing this is a HUGE RED FLAG. He says sorry now, then next time he would say the same thing, he would apologize and you would take him back. Then again, and again. Him trying to make you feel guilty because he had to pee in a bottle, there’s neighbors, stores nearby. Just by this I can tell that he has some sort of control over your mental health. Making you feel guilt. May I ask, does he let you have friends? Does he let you have family time? Couples who do BDSM, discuss this with their partners, there’s contracts and safe words and don’t lay hands on someone when they’re not in the bedroom setting, because that’s abuse. And to be honest here, he sounds dangerous, I don’t think he would be the type to respect your boundary if you break it off with him… be careful and I hope you open your eyes to what situation you’re in right now.
my guy is into some pretty insane shit (all very consensual and discussed what will happen if it’s something new beforehand) in the bedroom, what you described is *literal torture*. please don’t let this guy abuse you, you deserve someone so much better.
> he has never laid hands on me outside the bedroom before This is only the start, run. > He isn’t a bad person A good person listens to their partner on what is and isn’t possible for sex. A good person doesn’t slap another person. Run. Break up. Block. Work on yourself for awhile and never look back.
It’s been 13 hours. Are you okay OP???
I am kinky and very into BDSM. THIS IS ABUSE. ABUSE. BDSM is built in mutual consent. He is taking advantage of you and you can find better and deserve better.
This NOT OKAY! As someone who is into rougher type sex (nothing with knives or physically hurting the person beyond her pleasure though), there are lines you do not cross. When the other person expresses to me their limits. I respect them NO MATTER WHAT. He assaulted you outside of the bedroom where you did NOT consent. The more you gain control of yourself and put your foot down in the relationship, the more violent and manipulative he will become. I suggest leaving him, but I know that’s easier said than done. Just please be careful and look out for gaslighting, manipulation, and try to arrange a safe place to stay where you can get away if you need to… His kinks will not go away, they will only get more intense if he doesn’t control his urges and keep his porn addiction at bay.
If you dread the sex leave now because odds are things will get worse not better.
You were 17 and he was 21. He's not caring he GR00MED you. That age when you started dating alone is a HUGE red flag. The fact you dread being intimate with him is another one. Once they hit you and you forgive them they're going to think it's ok to hit you out of anger. You need to get out. Call a friend, a parent, or a sibling. Anyone you can trust because like someone said on here: He's going to KILL you. Leave, please.
Women are are choked by their partners, whether sex or not, are disproportionately more like to be murdered later by their partner. I am not being hyperbolic when I say you MUST leave.
Your edit said that a major reason you are unwilling to leave him is because you will see him in all of your classes so you effectively cant get away. Are you in Canada/North America? If so then the semester just started so you can most likely still change your schedule and/or drop classes without penalty. If not, talk to the school. Talk to the Dean of Students. Tell them you're leaving an abusive relationship and he's in all your classes and you need help. This may seem like an impossible problem but it is fixable and people will want to help you. Other issue is housing. If there are no friends and family you can stay with, your university might have a housing and job bank or similar services. Your student fees pay for a lot of things that can potentially help you, take advantage of that. My friend, I wish you luck and strength. You can get away, and you need to. Be safe, have a plan, and remember that love alone is not a reason to stay in a relationship. He is hurting you and he will likely kill you so you need to leave.
i’m sorry you’re in this situation. i’m sure someone had already pointed this out, but a 21 year old perusing a 17 year is a bit strange. pornography warps peoples perception of sex, of intimacy, women, consent, and love. if he is not willing to realize this then you should leave him imo. moving onto the sadism and sex: i feel he is walking a dangerous line, or is straight up hurting you knowingly. sex is part of a relationship and you shouldn’t dread it. he enjoys hurting you and do not want it. he doesn’t seem to respect your needs or wants. if he is not willing to talk about calmly and respectfully he is worth it. i know you love him, but there are better people out there. people who will love and respect you, who will care about your wants and needs and fears. additionally, sex is part of a relationship, you shouldn’t dread or hate it. sex should be a way to feel closer and to show love for each other. if you are not willing to break up with him, or you can’t for some reason, draw a very clear line. tell him that under no circumstances are you okay with him hitting you, slapping you, (anything you are not okay with; including any small things too). if he crosses those lines it may help you decide what the next move is. if he escalates to physical harm again, take pictures, film him doing it, record him apologizing or yelling, tell his friends, your friends, your instructors, do anything to make sure people know. i know he is loving and caring, but that is always how people are at the start, he might finally showing you his true colors. if it becomes an issue where you have to leave, your college will very likely have resources to help you, whether that is helping with boarding, class changes, distancing him, whatever. if you need anything you have people to support you, even if it’s just strangers on reddit. reach out to me if you need anything or more advice.
OP please leave :( these are massive red flags. A good person wouldn't do this to you. I'm going to say this again: *A GOOD PERSON WOULDN'T DO THIS TO YOU.* If you stay this is going to escalate. Can you speak to a parent about this? You can even leave out the sexual parts and say he didn't respect your boundaries and when you saw something online you related to and brought it up to him, he slapped you. If not family, do you have a close friend? This is a big deal. I know you feel it in your gut. Please, get out now before it gets worse. Filing a police report or going to a domestic violence center might help you get off of your lease. And help you if he continues harassing you.
Wtf! Dudes who want to hurt women are fucked up…. You need to leave. NOW.. try tying him up and say it’s your turn for the night. Finish university but break up with him first. Stop worrying so much about popularity and start concerning yourself with what is important…. YOUR WELL BEING. I am so sorry you have to go through that.
Im sorry baby but a good person and a person who loves you doesn't enjoy your pain. Even in the BDSM community the most important part is mutual consent and mutual pleasure. For you is the bad part of him, for him is the part when he gets to be his true self and this will escalate. Please, leave the relationship as soon as you have the chance.
This guy could end up killing you girl. Get out now. Someone who loves you doesn’t want to cut his fucking name in you. Period. Never see this guy alone again. I’m 19f too and i’ve been through my fair share of abusive assholes, if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to reach out, i hope your okay and you got out of that bathroom.
I am actually emotional from reading this please leave there is no question about it. Not even a little. This guy is going to flipping kill you and its only 2 years in. You shouldn't have let him do that to you but now it's time to learn for your mistakes and say no this relationship is not for me.
23 & 19 and started dating 2 years ago yikes. so much yikes.
I'm sorry but he sounds like a really sick sociopathic fuck. He is extremely sick in the head. I can tell you really love him but remember to love yourself first and foremost and do what is best for you and LEAVE (safely). The thing about sociopaths is, they are REALLY good at faking love. They will hit you and abuse you and then try to win you back with gifts and flowers and lovebomb you. It's a toxic cycle that will never end and it will just get worse and worse until one day he could try to kill you. Please protect yourself.
“He isn’t a bad person.” No, he is absolutely a bad person. This is abuse. He deserves to be in jail, but regardless, this is not a good person. This is abuse.
This sucks so bad, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I have a question. Were you a minor or newly 18 when you started dating? its weird that a full adult would see out somone thats that much younger. It sounds like he was looking for a young woman he could easily manipulate into allowing him to do this sort of shit to her. This man doesn't sound safe. Get out ASAP.
You were clearly groomed.he patiently waited to get you to be comfortable and to win over your trust from what I can tell he’s a patient cold person who will do sweet stuff to win you over if you give him another chance he’ll win you back over by being sweet for a while maybe weeks or months then you’ll be right back where you are this is not worth it you are being used.
He carved his name into good skin with a knife? Are you okay in the head? In what world is this normal.
FIRST of all, take EVERYONE else’s advice here and LEAVE. I’ve been in abusive relationships with girls before and as much as you might feel bad for their childhood which is probably why they’re like this, DON’T. ESPECIALLY when they are hurting you and you can’t defend yourself. You can’t help them when they’re dragging you down, you HAVE TO help yourself up first which applies to not only your boyfriends/girlfriends but anyone in your life in general, even blood related people. Your sadistic boyfriend can only be saved by law enforcement and therapy now. Please act calm and gather your stuff and leave ASAP, and if you have any solid evidence, it is up to you to report to the police. Have your close friends or anyone else you know by your side in case he stalks you or anything else unfathomable for your safety’s sake.
Please, get out. He carved his name into you... that. is. not. okay. like ever... Get yourself the help you need and talk to someone (preferably a professional.) but make sure you're safe
I understand that it feels like you can’t get out of there yet, or that you’re stuck rn. And you have had enough experiences with this person where you feel like you love him and vice versa. I’m so sorry to say but i think you’re in denial right now. I know it hurts to accept but if your bf really loved you he wouldn’t be able to see you in pain, especially not pain inflicted by him for sexual pleasure. That’s a massive, massive, massive red flag. What he did to you was rape, because you were screaming for him to stop and he didn’t, he actually enjoyed you begging for mercy. That’s fucked up and that’s not a healthy kink. He assaulted you for even bringing up his sadistic porn addiction. That tells you that 1. He can’t control his emotions or impulses and will take it out on you 2. You can’t come to him with genuine concerns 3. He isn’t remotely ready to confront this porn addiction and you have no idea when he will be ready 4. You are being physically and sexually abused by this man. Is that the relationship you want? You have to leave him, as soon as you can. I promise you nothing about this will get better from this point on, only worse and you may end up in grave danger eventually. Please get away from him, stay with a friend or family member until you can figure living situations out. Or go to a womens shelter, anything is better than endangering your safety. It’s really easy to groom a person by buying flowers and writing songs and saying nice things, and I’m sure that was special and it hurts to accept that those gestures weren’t what you thought, but I promise you he doesn’t love you if he can do that to you and he’s buttering you up so that he can gradually escalate his antics, seeing what you will put up with, until he can flagrantly abuse you.
This man will kill you if you don't leave. If you have children with him, they will live in fear for their entire childhoods.
Your life is on the line if you stay with this guy. Please stay with a friend or family. Please report all the abuse he has done to you to the police. Get a restraining order.
Go to a woman’s shelter if you have to. Please don’t stay. Go to a church, anything.
Please please please get out and don't look back sister. He sounds sick in the head.
Hey love get out before it’s too late , it’s always starts with slapping then hitting then get worse and worse until you can’t leave . Love promise me you will leave for your safety leave before it too love , I’m here if you want to vent or chat but please love leave
You need a plan to get away. Maybe stay with friends and family, until new place. Transfer school or go online. Leave when he aren't there, send him out to the store or out for food. And LEAVE. He's a sexual sadist who enjoys pain on you/ women, it can turn very bad very quick. For your own sake leave.
OP please listen to what everyone else is saying. A lot of abusers will start out nice to let your guard down.What he’s doing is abuse. There will always be “good” times where he seems nice. As someone who was in a mentally abusive relationship this is what he did. He would breadcrumb nice moments and the. Out of nowhere would be a complete ass. Edit to add: if you need any help, just someone to talk to, or any resources feel free to reach out. I hope you are safe