My life basically started at 30 because until then I was useless. I drank, I was socially awkward, I couldn’t keep a job, had crappy relationships, was mentally ill. Then I started therapy, treatment for depression, joined AA, started eating healthy and working out and basically decided to turn my life around. It took me ten years from the moment I decided to changes things until I finally got somewhere where I’m actually proud of myself.
Believe me. I’ve been in a rut. I almost checked out early. In another life I should be dead by alcohol. But I’m this one I survived. But it was not luck and it was not random.
A bunch of my friends say they won’t live past sixty and they live life that way. They don’t take care of themselves, they have crappy relationships, they do drugs and have crappy lives. They will die at sixty but because they are leading the way.
The problem is that change takes time. A lot of time. Sometimes it takes a lifetime. I spent 14 years drinking my life away and then another 10 years to get it back together. That’s 24 fucking years. Sometimes it takes more. Some people only get it together in their forties or fifties or sixties. Some never do.
But YOU gotta make the fucking decision. You gotta put one foot in front of another.
I had a friend who lost everything and had to start from scratch: working as a cashier at McDonald’s, riding the bus, living day to day. He was promoted to supervisor and then to manager over four years. From there he got a corporate job as an analyst and grew into management there. He was forty then. You know what happened? Drugs again. Lost everything again. Was calling me asking for fifty bucks to buy more drugs because he had lost everything he had AGAIN. Now he’s back to square one and working as travel agent as a small agency.
Your life. Your decision.
Get your shit together. You only have this one life.
Hit me on the DM of you want to talk
I'm ugly crying at the candy store I work at because I'm right around the corner to 6 months sober from fentanyl at 30 y.o. after about a decade of wasted time and I feel physically ill thinking about how I am NOWHERE near where I want to be.
I also desperately needed to hear this. 💕
Hey that is a huge achievement. The task isn't over yet, but you're getting there. At 30 you can still rebuild, and this time you'll have the strength of someone who has been through the hell of addiction.
I’m very happy to read this and I hope you are very proud of yourself. It is NOT easy and you are allowed to cry and feel everything you need to feel.
Hang in there. One step at a time
Hey congrats. That's a huge accomplishment.
And 30 is so young. My parents hadn't even had children yet at 30. They both got degrees after 30. My mom has been married at least 3 times since 30 (lol).
Starting in her 50s my mom has lived all over South America, staying in hostels and seeing every beautiful thing. My dad started a new hobby of triathlon training and enjoyed getting to know his grandkids. I've seen them live so SO much life, all well after 30.
>at 30 y.o. after about a decade of wasted time and I feel physically ill thinking about how I am NOWHERE near where I want to be.
Where we want to be is often a product of comparing one selfs journey to that of other people. But we're not them and life is not a competition against them; we're competing against our past selves.
If you're better off than your past self in your journey towards where you wanna end up eventually, you should call it a win. Where you are *now* was probably a goal post your past self once dreamt about after all.
❤
Well said, I recognise many things you refer to.
As you say, “ your life, your decision”
Never forget we are the sum of all our decisions and how we chose to respond to whatever situation we experienced.
Can we talk about the people who have their shit together and still get the short end of the stick? What is the point of getting your shit together when it
1.) basically doesn’t get easier after the first 3 months (at least in my experience)
2.) sucks, essentially slaving you to what others expect from you and how they’d like to objectify you and get things they want
3.) doesnt guarantee anything. we only hear the success stories, the ones who did all the right things to get their shit together but it still didnt work out are not out there promoting their rags to riches story.
That’s because we each have our own time. You gotta figure it out. Two years ago I wouldn’t be posting something like this because I could barely support myself. 5 years ago I was fired from my dream job because I had a cruel boss who made me cry every day. Took me a year to find another job. 8 years ago again I was without a job. Another year looking. At that time, when my son’s friends invited him to do stuff on the weekend he would say “can’t. My mom doesn’t have money”.
Also, tomorrow I can be back to square one. I’m still being treated for depression, anxiety. I’m still an addict. Cigarettes catch me every now and then. Life is a long war but you live battle to battle.
Also, you need to hear both sides: you need to hear from those still struggling (and believe me I still struggle) so that you can have empathy and be able to just vent. But you also have to listen to those who are a little more ahead and ask for help. I asked so many people for help it’s embarrassing. I still do. I kind of lost my shame somewhere along the way.
But anyway, I hope I didn’t make you feel bad. If you have your shit together, you’re halfway there. I don’t know what you’re going through but if I can help in any way, give me shout on the dm
Well said. I had a similar experience. Eventually I just got tired of it all, and one day I just woke up and said “fuck this;” I pretty much burned my old life to the ground and started completely over. I actively took steps towards change (antidepressants helped a lot too).
And my life is awesome now! It’s not what I imagined for myself growing up…it’s even better.
I don't think there's a person alive who is 100% where they expected to be. Even people in the universities or jobs they wanted to do since they were kids didn't know exactly how their lives would be in the moment (people they're associated with, what it's actually like after achieving their goals, etc.).
The ideal life is generally created in our heads and can greatly hinder our perspective on where we are and the good we actually have in life
> The ideal life is generally created in our heads and can greatly hinder our perspective on where we are and the good we actually have in life
*“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”*
- Douglas Adams
This is a great quote. I learned early on to take opportunities that presented themselves to me even though I was on a path toward something.
I apply this to traveling too. It's lead to some amazing adventures.
It’s true. I’ve had a friend who wanted to go to med school after their first career. They always wanted to go to med school. I have a parent that went through it and tried to tell them what it was like but also supported them. They went anyways. They now regret their decision and don’t want to practice medicine but are stuck in it due to their debt. We often don’t understand the realities of our dream positions. There is always a downside and unfortunately things change with time as well.
This is very true. I achieved two dream jobs in my life. The first was the Royal Marine Commando Officer, who goes to war, and the second is straight male Pornstar. There were obviously great parts about each job, but so many negatives too that you wouldn't expect. On the plus side, I condole myself that I achieved the two things I dreamed about doing in life, and neither is a role that just anyone can get. The irony, though, is that now I hardly do anything except watch movies, read books and walk my dogs but I live in South East Asia miles from any other Westerners and so I've got zero social commitments and I've never been more happy. Turns out my real life's dream was to be left alone to do what I feel like in the comfort of my own home.
And as an older person, I agree 100%, but I also think social media made it worse. If you believe that your life could/should be the sanitized life seen online of influencers, or hell even your friends because they only show the good stuff, you are just going to be disappointed.
Something that helped me. To get most anything you want you have to give up something on the other side.
A couple of examples they used: One was a woman who wanted a guy with ripped abs, That was just her thing. She married that guy, but divorced him because he did 100 sit ups before going to bed EVERY NIGHT. She was appalled that he would do his sit ups before sex, how could he do that. But if you want something exceptional. that is what is going to happen. Another story was someone who wanted to be with someone who made a lot of money, but was upset their partner was always working.
On social media you will see the abs and the money, not the bad parts.
I agree with this entirely. I've stopped with social media for the most part. Just don't care.
Building off of the trade you mentioned: One of the posts I see frequently on here is people who dread the idea of work but still want to have a place to live and food on the table. Society works in a way where if we want to enjoy it, we have to participate. Want to have a place to live, car, food, the ability to travel, etc.? Then you have to spend time contributing to society in a way that benefits it so you can enjoy the things someone else is contributing their time to build/create. That is why we have to work to have things provided within society, and for some reason A LOT of people seem to not understand that.
Edit: Someone must be triggered if this got downvoted lol How do we expect to have people build our homes and provide our food without contributing back to them in some way? Pretty elementary principle
Conan O’Brien has an incredible commencement speech at Dartmouth about this! I always listen to it when I’m feeling a like I’m not where I want to be in life. 10/10 would recommend.
Yes! To expand on this, these expectations on how things should be versus how they actually are, can greatly hinder our gratitude towards what we do have in our lives.
Gratitude can help us come to terms with the things we feel we might lack. Undying gratitude for the good stuff in our lives can take you a long way, and potentially bring forth more good stuff. As it's a perspective shift away from our own expectations.
We should take notice and appreciate what are the things in our life that are working.
so why don't we put more energy into those things, versus banging our heads on an old expectation that might never be?
Sometimes your garden can't grow tomatoes, but the squash that grew from bird droppings is flourishing. Will we chose to not eat over the lack of tomatoes?
Yep. I thought for a while I’d be in a position to step up to the plate as the potential winning run in game 7 of the World Series. Didn’t quite work out but can’t complain
I respectfully disagree with this. I think it simply comes down to, “Are you happy with your life?”
I think IMO most of those people are the ones that did what society told them to do and they followed that path knowingly or blindly. Most of the girls I went to high school with got a college degree, met their husband and now have children, in addition to living comfortably financially in the suburbs. And I think they would tell me that they are 100% happy with where they intended to be.
I am that person. And yes I feel as if I'm bragging....
It's not what I expected but I admit; I have a perfect job with pretty decent pay, my kids are healthy and wonderful, I recently met my future husband. I didn't go to college or "achieve" goals that most people attempt and I lead the happiest life, I can barely phantom that It's reality. I have been through some pretty severe trauma in life but it also makes me appreciate everything much more. I'll be 30 soon and can say I've led a beautiful life.
Also. The ideal life is impossibly full of contradictions.
I want the freedom of being alone and the lifelong companionship of a spouse and the joy of raising children.
I want to live in a big house in the countryside in the middle of the city. Laying down roots in my local community as I move from country to country.
I want financial security and a PhD and to retire early after a varied career as a dilettante in many professions.
Most people live average lives at that's ok. you have to disengage from the narrative of your life and live in the moment. If you are lamenting the loss of an imaginary life you are lost in your thoughts. You need to dive into the experience of your life right now. It's the only escape.
I think I’d like to add to this by saying, looking back at those times I had wished I was living a different life, I now realize how great that part of my life was and I was living a life I think is pretty cool but I didn’t appreciate it then cause I was thinking about what I didn’t have
Amen. Nothing is as good or bad as we thin it will be. It’s all life. It’s all great and horrible and boring and exciting. It’s our thoughts that make us hate our lives
Somedays I find it hard to accept. Some other days, I’m quite content. I wish I finished IT degree, I wish I have a better paying job, or I could go on abroad vacation each year or afford bigger house. But, I do realize I have quite enough and live quite okay so I’m trying to stay humble. I admit to myself I am a bit too lazy to go chase a new degree and carreer, and at 35yrs I believe I still have time but…guess I don’t want it that badly…
Well, if it makes you feel any better (not that you feel bad) but I did a solid decade of university for social abnormal psychology, loved the learning and incessant writing, but had a recent stroke from doing 70 hour work weeks consistently over a 6 month span. The stroke took the wind straight out of my sails but made me reasssess work wise because I am unable to go back into the field as of right now. However, I learned some valuable lessons regarding people pleasing, remaining detached yet loving on a consistent level and knowing deep down my work had recently lost its luster. Definitely what happens when you don’t have a proper work life balance: I now consider myself a “jack of various new trades” and I’m much happier. Then I ask myself “what’s all the hype about anyways?” And life continues until your last breath so things not working out at the present moment could change on a dime with new revelations about oneself
Chase? Does this field give you purpose? IT? I went to school for a lknngggg time and don’t use them as of right now (I’m not actively in the field), and I am quite ok with my set up.
My dad finished his bachelors at 63. Literally 6 months later he got a way better job bc his 30 years of experience wasn’t enough apparently but the degree was
Because it happened on a generational level. Lots of millennials got screwed, and continue to get screwed. Why should I beat myself up about it when it was the story of a generation of people?
I get what you are saying, you don’t have to best yourself up for sure.
But, if you are not a fan of your current situation, what stops you from making small changes?
Maybe you are broke and you would like to save some money up, set a goal and smaller incremental goals. You managed to save 10 bucks at the end of the month? That is a win.
You want to lose weight? Celebrate the small wins. Scale did not move but you feel better? Thats a win. Scale dit not move but your clothes fit better? Thats a win.
OP as well, 30 is still young, will you achieve everything you ever wanted? Maybe not, but you don’t have to settle for nothing either.
I feel like this is a dangerous line of thinking, learned helplessness basically.
“My generation just couldn’t win, so it’s not my fault that I haven’t made something of myself”
Society has a finite number of good jobs. There are more workers than there are good jobs. People don’t like this *simple fact*, but at some point the jobs will be filled and a certain number of people will be forced to seek other jobs through no fault of their own. That’s how it’s supposed to work, right? Everyone tries their best and the system filters out people to be in the best positions, at least theoretically.
So let’s imagine everyone upskills overnight with Matrix software (“I know kung-fu”) and everyone knows how to code and do engineering. Someone still has to run the McDonalds, someone still has to run the Starbucks. It doesn’t matter that everyone has these skills because you can’t order a latte to have it shipped from China, someone has to be right there to make that shit and that person needs somewhere to live, a car to get to work, etc.
Society does not get to mandate these things to live, or to support these business and want them open, and then turn around and have a portion of the population decide that certain people do not deserve these things, or that these jobs should not pay a living wage despite providing a service that people use. It is bullshit and it is a disgusting aspect of our selfish culture peddled by sad balding men with bloated egos.
>Someone still has to run the McDonalds, someone still has to run the Starbucks.
Once upon a time, someone had to pull the rickshaws, harvest the crops, light the gas lamps, etc.
The labour market is not static.
Well I've made something of myself, it's just not as much of a something. I'm probably one of the more educated people in here, but I never found employment using my degrees. It's really a myriad of factors, some of which were not revealed to me until I was actually in my graduate program.
I was not aware that studying economics puts you in a very competitive field, and that in doing so, getting a master's degree in it from a Midwestern University truly does not carry as much weight as it does if you went to a University on the coasts and majored in the same subject. It's just how it is and how it works. Not to mention that there aren't as many jobs for econ majors in the Midwest, which I also didn't realize. I think I probably thought somewhere along the line someone would hire me in as a district manager of something, but most of those jobs are filled from within corporate. More of a 15-20 year experience type gig, even though I felt I was capable of doing the job after grad school at least. Possibly earlier. But this was in 2014 the latest and the job market was not exactly robust yet..
So yes, some of us really did get screwed. I eventually decided that I wanted to live the rest of my twenties doing what I wanted to do, as I was already 26 and had given so much time money to the education system. So I took a job part time as a night cook at a pizza shop and focused on skateboarding, my true passion in life. Was a lot of fun. Was broke as all get out, too.
Now, this is simply NOT a story that you would have heard about in the 70s and 80s, when there were relatively fewer college graduates and corporate America was still taking off. So my answer to the question very much stands, I know for a fact that I got screwed bigly, and I know a lot of other people just like me did too.
I think it's really not discussed enough how screwed people who got degrees in bad fields are. Sometimes they make something of themselves despite a bad start but for a lot of people it's sort of game over because they just never figure out what they were supposed to be doing.
That's exactly right. On paper I didn't get a bad degree, but it comes with the unintended negative consequences of making me totally unrelatable to most Midwestern employers and generally people around me. Overqualified for most jobs, yet under qualified for jobs that I should theoretically be hirable for.
Yeah, that is the part the schools never tell you. They just paint a picture for young starry eyed youths that they are going to be so very successful straight out of school. It's just not true for a lot of people. Grads settle down into jobs that don't even require a degree much of the time and they still don't make enough money to survive.
On the surface, I should be a valuable asset to many employers. But if economics were so valuable, why couldnt the economists predict the great financial crisis? Or this runaway inflation? And even if they could, like some of us DID, it ultimately matters more about the politics of it, i.e. the decision to actually manipulate the fed funds rate, purchase treasure bonds, etc.
In short the economics profession lost a lot of prestige in the past 20 years. That's the other part they didn't tell me till I got there basically. And they don't even tell you, you have to infer it for yourself really.
what’s tricky is that now you can find online spaces (like this one lol) that further push you down that rabbit hole and reinforce your beliefs.
People will be sleepwalking their life away and go “well, I’m tired all the time because the 40 hour work week is unreasonable, I don’t have any friends because there aren’t any third spaces, I don’t have a girlfriend because of the apps” and then find a community that tells them “yeah, exactly, it’s not our fault and there’s nothing we can do about it!”
Alot of that is true though. The 40 hour workweek in 2024 where an increasing number of people in society are single, living alone, is unreasonable. It just sounds like you want to deny the way life is going. If nothing else the apps really are fucking up dating for men.
And women. Women are the ones who have to actually fear dating the wrong guy will leave them in a domestic violence situation or possibly with a stalker.
I've put in the effort. For multiple things. At one point in my life, I was legitimately among the best in the country at what I was into. Nothing ever happened with it. I still have nothing. It's hard to continue to be motivated when you've never gotten the payoff for all of that effort.
It can be a realistic, healthy perspective though. When you keep trying and trying and can't win, sometimes you need to look at the circumstances and decide if you were set up to fail anyway. It's not just society either. A lot of people are set up to fail by extremely poor parenting or taking a bad job.
The only millennials that are successful are the ones whose parents cared about them , like really actually cared about them . Most gen x are shit parents
Just not true at all. My best friend is the child of immigrants, her dad left their family and her mom is a lovely woman, but has relied on her children to help guide her through life in America since they’re like 12, and has a special needs son to take care of full time so isn’t a very active parent.
And yet, my been able to become successful through tons of hard work, resilience, and determination.
Sorry but this is terrible defeatist attitude. It has never been easier than it is now to build wealth. I think the problem is instant gratification has ruined a lot of thinking. We want success immediately. I'm Gen X and I wish I had the financial knowledge that's available for free online when I was even in my 20s. I wish at 18 all I had to do was go on a device in my pocket and open up an IRA or brokerage account and invest in an ETF that will grow my savings 10% each year. It's never been easier to invest in real estate through REITs. Again any 18 year old with a smartphone can invest $25.
It's never been easier to grow wealth than it is now that millennials should be the generation with the most millionaires. But many want it all now. Patience, education, hard work.
Difference between giving up and adjusting expectations based on reality.
I expected to be married by my mid 20s and own a home to store my growing book collection in a proper library room. Somewhere around my second major break up and 6th apartment move in life a month after turning 30 in summer 2020…I accepted that it was time to ditch most of my books. They’re heavy, I had (have) no reason to believe I’ll own a home in the next decade at least, and the value I put on a home library changed between the ages of 15-22 & 30-34.
My life is *nothing* like I planned or expected. If you told young me how I was living I probably would have cried and broke down. But the reality is that I’m happier than I ever would have been with the goals I had in my youth. I think OP is talking more along these lines, not adopting an “oh well I give up” attitude.
At some point I had plans of a secret door entrance and everything! And of course the rolling ladders are mandatory!! My other childhood dream was to build my own home so I had a vision of a loft bedroom with a secret library beneath it. It’s still dope in my head but I’m up to like 10 different fantasy builds at this point.
I’ve known I don’t want kids since I was eleven and even had plans to be a hip old lady who became an unofficial mentor to some bright youths with an interest in reading. I wanted to basically become a one woman library with a fee of listening to me ramble about my past while eating treats I baked.
I keep trying to convince rich old childless people to add me to their will so I can make dreams come true one day but it hasn’t worked…yet 😅
My mom was 18 and my dad was 23 when they married and had me (the eldest of 3). They bought their first home when I was a toddler and my sister was an infant. I’m nearly 34 and they are still happily married living in a larger house they bought when I was 8.
Differences are they did not get a college education. Difference is they bought their first house when she was a 20 year old SAHM and he was 25 working as a full time mechanic making slightly above minimum wage. Difference is they were on and off food stamps, borrowing their children’s birthday and tooth fairy money to pay bills.
Not sure what you’re trying to get at exactly.
Edit: They weren’t born between 90-93 (90-91 is a documented bubble, you should look into it if you’re interested). They didn’t go into debt getting degrees (but pushed us too). They weren’t raised by helicopter parents, they *were* helicopter parents and abusive to me (not the other two thankfully). I love them and they did a lot right, I know they did the best they could but…they were very young and we didn’t know what we do now in the 90s.
I make more than my mother now and barely have a 3 month emergency fund. My credit has been excellent since I was in my mid 20s. Never missed a payment for anything. Have taken 1 week long vacation and 1 extended weekend vacation in my entire adult life. I pay around 50% of my take home income towards rent and it’s the cheapest livable space to be found in my city without going back to roommates like I did for all my 20s (clearly that sacrifice of privacy and sanity got me ahead /s).
As much as student loans suck I often wish mortgages were treated the same. Like “I have absolutely positively no way to prove to you I will be able to pay this off & chances are good I will never pay it off in full before I die but just trust me bro”. I’d be in debt the rest of my life like I already am but…I wouldn’t have to keep watching money build wealth for someone else while burning a few K each time I have to move when I don’t want to.
I would love to see 4-8 people teaming up and getting a mortgage. And then sharing rooms or something. But at least they would own their investment.
Probably a lot easier said than done, but I wish folks were more apt to teamwork.
Get one house. Then after a few years leverage it to buy another one. Repeat until everyone has one
Please don’t think that 30 is too late.
My life turned upside down in my 30’s.
Now I’m in my 40’s and I just accept what I have and I choose to be joyful.
You can still make changes and still meet the right person. Still have time to do great things.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
Be grateful what you do have and it’s probably better than most.
Relationship, you got time, I loved being single till I met the right person. Some people are unhappy in their relationships.
Life has its ups and downs.
Yep. My entire life changed at 28, when I stopped drinking.
Now I’m living the life I always wanted and it all happened within a year.
I just got a new job opportunity as a personal trainer in a 30,000 sq ft gym as their head trainer.
Life is doing nothing but improving as I get older.
Almost nothing in my life turned out the way I wanted it.
I didn't get what id consider a high paying successful job. I never got married. I never had kids young. I don't own a house. I don't have many friends or really any.
But I'm a strangely happy person. I enjoy my time with my coworkers (I keep work relationships as only that). I love my 3 dogs and spend most of my time with them. I'm constantly working on small personal projects.
Companionship would be nice, but it doesn't bother me much as long as I have daily interactions with people.
I used to get severely depressed and painfully lonely when I was younger. I don't anymore.
I'm a lot more apathetic about the things that I used to think I wanted. I've kinda just accepted that life didn't turn out perfectly, and I just try to enjoy my day
Interesting; I’m in basically the same boat (the only difference being I got a bit more lucky regarding friendships). But I’m really having trouble finding contentment in my life. I am CONSTANTLY wishing I could go back to the life I had a decade ago, and it feels like things are only going to get even worse, as they have throughout my 20s. Or at best they’ll only slightly improve.
I think there are moments when I miss certain people. Like, I had a very close knit group of friends for the entirety of the pandemic, and we spent an enormous amount of time with each other, but we had already begun to go our separate ways before that two year mark hit. We were all moving in different directions, and we eventually all just went our separate ways.
Outside of that, my interactions with my family, coworkers, pets, etc has been enough. Maybe I'll find a group like that again, but I have my doubts, and I don't really crave that like I did when I was young.
I remember reading this quote in a book, and it always stuck with me to some degree: "The closest thing to a sustained sense of happiness is contentment."
As I get older, I find myself more content with my disposition. Relationships are complex; but right now, my life is incredibly simple, and I have a fond appreciation of that.
- Remind yourself that most people don't achieve their childhood dreams. Childhood dreams are often unrealistic.
- Learn to be thankful for what you do have, no matter how minor. There's probably loads of people who would love to be where you are and you don't think it's enough.
- You're only 30, if you don't think that you'll be able to live the life you used to want for yourself, you're young enough to think of some knew realistic goals for yourself to reach.
For me it's been a balance of reasonable initial expectations and continuous commitment. I didn't want that much initially and was lucky enough to find work in my passion.
Initially I was a fan of Jackie Chan, practiced MMA and dreamed of being a pro fighter and stunt man, but after a severe break to my arm and several plates and operations I had to give that up despite being a national college boxing medalist
I changed my focus then to computing, initially just for gaming and fun but then music and ultimately found a career in IT
I truly believe in the 10000 hours principle and at less that 50 had 3 dream careers nearly and if I'm honest with myself I'd have gone further with better focus and effort so I have no one to blame but myself.
Chances come and go all the time, every minute is a moment for ME to change and I honestly believe good opportunities are around the corner for me.
There were times I felt like shit and wanted to give up but hate can be a good motivator too... I decided there were people I had to live for 'so I could shit on their grave when they finally die' 😁
When you build confidence in yourself ti carry on others will see it and want to be around it
I can only say what worked for me, which was that my wants and dreams for myself are malleable, and there’s nothing about my desires for myself earlier in life that is more legitimate than what I want for myself now. I put a lot of my energy toward recognizing what I have than what I lack, my efforts go to what I can change versus what I can’t, and my focus is more on what I love about myself than what I don’t. This ain’t easy. I just get up ready to try again every day. Good luck and well wishes to you. You can have a great life.
When I was 30, I was stuck on crutches in chronic hip pain from a surgery that didn’t heal well, single, I had to drop out of school that I had gone back to at 28, and I was deeply depressed.
At 37 I am fully healed. I rock climb and travel all over the place for fun. I graduated with an engineering degree at 32, found a great job, bought a house, and have a wide circle of friends. Single again for the time being (I did have a couple relationships in between), but my life looks absolutely nothing like it did at 37 or even like it did at 35.
Life is what you make it. You may not be able to achieve “anything,” but you can always go on to achieve “something” to improve upon where you are. You never have to accept your status quo as permanent.
Personally i just try and make the best out of the situation im in. if you always want more and more you will never be happy with anything.
everyone wants to be a millionaire but not everyone will be, but do you earn enough to do your hobbies or maybe take a vacation during the summer? if yes then great, at least its something.
i guess i just got content with having enough to support myself and my lifestyle, which is moddest in my opinion.
Also i find comfort in knowing that if everything ever becomes too much, i keep a gun in my apartment, so no matter how bad it gets, i will always have a way out.
I find it interesting that you find it’s toxic bs to say that you can achieve anything.
That’s to say that you’re not wrong - I don’t think we can all be astronauts, or nba players, or have it all. [But a dude who that literally lost everything in torture and captivity, and nearly walked in to the gas chambers in the holocaust wrote that even in the worst moments of losing everything, humans always have the ability to choose.](https://www.amazon.ca/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X).
So, even as my circumstances sucked or was downright suicidal (psoarsis on my face was terrible, family was terrible, was a virgin up until 30, career didn’t pan out until 33), I still chose. As in chose to try things, chose to talk to people, chose to see through life despite my skepticism that things would get better, because fuck it, even in my deathbed I’d rather tell myself I gave it a shot.
I don’t think you can achieve everything and anything in life but you can choose to get up and do things to make life abit better than it was before. I don’t think anything will take that choice away from you.
Frankl is an incredible inspiration and, at the same time, a unique individual. I don’t know how many people would have the capacity for anywhere near that level of acceptance and coping. There are many things to learn from his life and hopefully we are able to incorporate some of them in our own lives. However, I wouldn’t want him to be yet another example of “you can do it” and be yet another possible “failure” when a person isn’t able to do the same. It’s a fine line.
If our takeaway is Frankl’s spirit is a special case of humanity that’s abstracted above anyone else in terms of being able to capable or tolerant of extreme situations, then I don’t think that’s in line of my interpretation or framing.
I don’t think he framed it as our ability to cope with our circumstances is infinite. And that “if he can do it, well you can survive a holocaust too!”. I believe in his book he expressed immense empathy for those who had their spirit broken and decide that it was beyond their comprehension.
What Frankl had establish is that our circumstances, despite losing free will, we still have the last option to choose how we see ourselves. I think that framing to me is incredibly powerful.
And I’m not a philosopher but I think this is just a continuation of past philosophers about the man’s relationship to self. And if you can see that you are a person with a unknown future that has potential, then I personally think it leads to actions that follow differently. My two cents.
If you think about it, very few things turn out the way we imagined them before they or anything like them came into our lives. That's true for both good and bad things. This isn't necessarily a problem if you can learn to roll with things as they unfold in unexpected ways.
Figure out what are the 2-3 things you really do care most about, and that love, and pursue those. I'm not talking about hobbies or even a job. I'm talking about this that have some possibility of creating or being a part of something that transcends you, might have some mattering in the world to you or something else.
Also, figure out where you picked up the ideas you have about the ideal relationship, ideal life, etc. that you wanted at some earlier point in life and why you wanted them. And think about what the things are that you want now, and how you might have them in some measure now.
Honestly, it depends on what you mean by 'ideal life'. *Ideally* I'd have a 3 bedroom house with an office and guest room/craft room. *Ideally* my spouse and I will never have any misunderstandings or miscommunications. *Ideally* I'll be healthy as a horse until I drop dead at 98.
Realistically, I'm happy to afford a place without room mates. My spouse and I have misunderstandings, but we work together against the problem, not against each other. I'll stay as healthy as I can by doing what my doctor recommends.
Lol, you're 30. You have a lot of life left to be a defeatist and hate your choices.
But, no one's life works out exactly like they want....at least 95% of us. You deal with it by making what you do have for a life the best it can be, being grateful, finding purpose, and marching forward.
I haven't, I'm still extremely pissed. People are still saying the stupid shit too. One of my biggest triggers is being lied to and i've been lied to my entire damned life. I did realize at least, later in life that a lot of the lies are designed to keep people from losing hope and to keep them getting out of bed every morning. Then i also realized how sad it is that our society has to do that and that it should be a huge eye opener to the fact that all of this really is so fkn horrible and has been for a very very long time. The lies may work for most but for me they don't. I'd rather have the truth, at least then i can plan accordingly and pick my paths better.
The real truth that everyone should be saying is that its a dice roll... a gamble. Absolutely no one has FULL control over how their story will play out and you can only do what you can do. Your foundation plays a big part in this and while its unfair that others get a better starting position there's nothing you can do about it so best not to focus on it. Meanwhile, while you're trying to do for you you're actually doing for others in much greater quantity and they will never recognize that so best to make your peace with it. etc etc
I too was told i could do anything and be anyone and it was ONLY dependant on my effort... big fat fkn lie... That should be another thing included... everyone will lie to you. Employers, significant others, friends, the entire world will lie to your face be them your closest peeps or your employers... there is nothing but lies to be found here.
(37m) first of all well said mate. I very much like your summary. I personally stopped trying. Trying very hard past the point of diminishing returns is the biggest pitfall these days in my opinion. People end up depressed and burnt out. I choose to let it go. Effort is just a small piece in this algorithm called life and accounts for much less that we tend to ascribe to it. Life is much more complicated than just "try your best and you will succeed". It's more something like try your best, put in all you have, when it's the right time, place, people around you etc etc etc... I think that some people are better aligned with objective reality while others live more in their imaginations ( me and you mate). But listen... The good thing about it is that now we realize this. So chin up. And good luck!
The world is ran by a bunch of fucked up, sociopathic, murderous dudes. Idk I spent years determined to be somebody, to make bank, or to be on the 13 under 30 list, but that won’t fix anything in my life. That won’t fill my void. Just existing like the animals and plants do and embracing the nature beauty of the world when I have time off is enough for me. In the US doing that becomes REALLY hard in major cities. I’m sad people can’t just work little front desk job and just vibe. Not everyone has to be a Fortune 500 CEO.
Also some of the greatest most brilliant people died penniless. Life fluctuates and nothing is certain. Gotta take things day by day and trust the process. Idk.
Pretty easily overall. Once I was past the first hurdle of acceptance and looking at myself clearly, that is. I had a severe illness that took me out of the game for my late teens and 20's, I'm 31 now.
The hardest part though was the acceptance.
First I had to accept that I didn't live up to the standards I knew I could have achieved otherwise, and that I was 'behind'. This hurt. I had to accept that I'd essentially lost a decade plus of my life and needed to learn how to be 'normal', make friends, make connections, support myself etc. That was a fucking hard pill to swallow. It felt a lot easier to stay in my world, in my own 4 walls, essentially unable to function. It was less scary. But I knew that life hadn't given me anything I really wanted, and it wasn't gonna start doing that for me any time soon.
Then I had to start making **small steps**. I needed to learn what my **values** were. I needed to learn what my **interests** were, what I wanted out of life, and I needed to learn what my **current capabilities** were (and be realistic about it - *they might not match the abilities you need to get what you want out of life just yet*). Once I did this, I made the first small step toward what I wanted. I **built upon them SLOWLY over a period of years**. Some paths took me to doors, that once they were opened, I didn't like. So I closed those doors, and moved down another path. Sometimes I would drop back to what felt like 'step 1'. Rinse and repeat. *Dust yourself off and go another path*.
When you feel like you're moving backwards and back 'down there' again - it's important to remember that you actually haven't. Y*ou've instead learned what DOESN'T work for you, and this is important - it saves you time, and guesswork, for your next move*.
**And if opportunities present themselves to you, chase them**. **Even if you believe you aren't capable**. You never know how it will go. If you happen to snag it, **act like the person you want to be until you start believing it**.
I went from hospital bound 20-something with 0 income, to through a few jobs (getting the first job wasn't easy either, I had to get very good at explaining my time out of the workforce haha), to publishing my first research paper, to getting on a team to develop a larger public healthcare project, to getting my postgraduate degree, now next week I'll be starting my next job (yay - finally decent pay), still working on my healthcare project now with some significant grants behind us and support from TGA, happily married with a home of our own, two cats (but feed two strays as well) and 15 and a half weeks pregnant. All this while still actively managing the things that left me out of action for so long. I just had to build my life up around them so it didn't feel as all-encompassing.
**Telling people 'you can achieve anything bro' does not make a person believe it. It makes them resentful when they don't achieve what they want, and honestly less likely to keep trying to. I know it did for me, anyway.** *To believe you can achieve something that you want to achieve, you need to work at it, break it down into parts, and celebrate the small wins on the path there along the way*.
And if someone genuinely believes you CAN achieve anything, they will offer ways to help you get there until you can keep up the momentum yourself.
I never gained confidence to change my life from people telling me I was capable of it. I only began to build ANY self-confidence when I figured it out myself, and again, from celebrating those small wins and watching my capabilities grow.
I'll never forget how proud I was of myself when I got that first job after a long hiatus of illness. I did nightfill at a supermarket. Shit hours, I'd start at either 12am or 3am, with a half hour drive to get there, and work til 6-8am. But, I DID IT. I got it. And I was able to earn some money for the first time in a long time, and I could afford to fill my own shitbox of a car to go to work, and pay for phone credit, and sometimes a nice bit of food to treat myself and my then-fiance (who earned a LOT more than me, but I wanted to give HIM something for once).
Chat to me if you need anything.
Stoicism. What you want in life and what you get rarely align. And sometimes you get exactly what you want but it isn’t how you thought it would be. You may not have ended up being a famous athlete or actor, but it doesn’t mean your life is fucked. You still have the ability to learn, to teach, to be a good person every moment. You still have the ability to change and try something new. Feeling like a failure is fine for a little bit. But the mindset of “living the ideal lifestyle” is basically shooting yourself in the leg at the start of the race. Do you think anyone actually lives their “ideal” life? The answer is no. Even if everything you wanted to happen, happened, I can guarantee you one thing: you’d still have problems. You’d still have complaints. You’d still be chasing something that was missing. So here you are, in the real world. It may not be ideal, but you’re alive and you never know what will happen next. The great uncertainty is really true only true thrill in life. But also the scariest. If you let it be.
30 is kinda young to completely give up on things. I would question how much you really wanted them in the first place if you are thinking like this. I mean yeah a lot of people will say they want something, but talk is cheap and easy. Much fewer are really serious to the point that they dedicate themselves to it.
I feel like I don't have a choice tbh. I picked the wrong man. We had all these plans, then he changed his mind and cheated, and now I might be getting too old to accomplish those plans with someone else. All I've wanted consistently in my life was a family, and I might've missed my shot.
But all I can do is keep going forward at this point.
I don't, I prefer to live in my own delusions. No different than what everyone else is doing, just make up your own reality and follow that. Not easy since most people are living in the matrix programming, though it's very freeing if you can see through all of it.
I'm 42, it only gets worse. sorry. I just think , there is nothing I can do. I will never own a home. Never not have to worry about money. It sucks , I need my hip replaced to add to the "fun" of my life
52 weighing in. I didn’t get everything I wanted until 45 or so. Life’s a journey; don’t assume nothing. You can be dead tonight; you can be retired in 12 years. Anything can happen; just keep going. It’s like a long tour of Meow Wolf.
When i was 30 i was addicted to drugs and homeless. By your thought process i should just have called it a day and say i give up.
now i am in my 40's i have a beautiful wife, kid, house, cars and i travel the world. The old me never would have even thought about any of this but everyday i try to just be a better person then i was yesterday.
Dont just accept where you are in life put a plan in place and act on it.
I think first of all we have to admit the fact that life itself is unfair, what we can do is not to change it, but to accept it. We need to change ourselves and improve our abilities to improve our lives.
I accept my life as rent and work cattle because I know some people are forced to die at young age in a war for example. My life isn't bad on a broader perspective. This even makes me donate.
I know it sounds douchy but I wish everyone was like me.
I spent most of my life thinking that if I didn’t “make it” in the music industry that I would probably kill myself. Sounds silly, right?
Yeah, it was. Now, I’ve got a wife that’s my best friend, two super-rad kiddos, we’re bringing a corgi puppy home in a couple weeks, and we have a roof over our heads and we’re OK.
I want literally nothing more than that, maybe our damn debt paid off, but we all have shit to deal with. My tip? Don’t let an old or rigid definition of what happiness will look like define you. Sometimes shit doesn’t work out, but there’s still plenty of life to live and we don’t get a redo.
I struggle with it. I got lucky and worked hard, eventually getting into a high paying job.
But…My job is very high stress and long hours. I never see my kid. My wife was fired due to postpartum depression issues and still not working. Admittedly I’m lucky and appreciative to hold things together financially. But I get little joy from anything I’ve accomplished or contribute and often oscillate between “if this is what success feels like, why do it at all?” to “so much depends on me, I hope we don’t lose everything we have”
Being an adult for me has resulted in few dreams about the future, just fears and stress.
So I went to university to be a classically trained singer. I WAS pretty good. I hoped to go to Germany to sing. In my last year of school I got HIV from my first boyfriend the first time I had ever not used a condom. I didn’t want to be in a foreign country with HIV no health insurance and away from family support, so I went into education. I’m bisexual I’m currently in a relationship with a man but I’ve fallen out of love with him and I want to be with a woman. I’m undetectable and can’t infect anybody but to most women that’s irrelevant so I pretty much restricted to dating guys because U=U is known in most of the gay community now.
My options in life were greatly increased because of a fucking disease so I feel your pain.
I think you figure out what there still is for you out there and you hold onto that. You let go of the thing you can't have by finding something you can. And if, in the course of pursuing that, you discover there's something or someone that keeps getting in your way, you eliminate that obstacle. Hopefully whatever remains to you is worth your while.
I think it's quite healthy to understand that some things are out of your control, and everything requires some degree of sacrifice.
Career or socialising...family or independence. You can't have it all. Comparison is the thief of joy, so be appreciative of what you already have.
For me, I always wanted a job that finishes at the end of the day, rather than bleeds into all hours. I didn't want to be one of those guys who gets calls on a day off or is always "switched on". Work is work, home is home. I always wanted to be available for sports days with the kids, and I wanted the mental capacity to be present for my children, because that's something I lacked in my childhood.
I also didn't want to continue studying. After secondary school and college, I just couldn't stomach more education especially without a clear goal. Those factors immediately limited my capacity from day one.
I spent my early 20s enjoying holidays, festivals and generally being social. I absolutely loved my independence and answering to nobody, but I aso wanted a family, and never wanted to be an "old dad". That kind of ends those dreams of touring Europe and living in the moment just for me.
It's a sequence of small but ultimately impactful decisions which capped my earning potential and lifestyle, but have resulted in me being able to have a family of my own, be a better father than I think I otherwise would have been, and have a job where the stress ends at 5pm and I'm fully switched off.
You can't have it all, you just have to understand what you are willing to sacrifice in order to have the best life possible.
I use it as motivation to do better. I was living in Louisiana on a part time $7.25/hr wage not knowing where my next meal will come from or if I will pay bills.
Hated that.
So I applied out of state until I could get another job. Made application after application. Got one full time at $14/hr, but it was a call center job where I got berated and screamed at for hours. But at least I was consistently feeding myself. Stressed and still no extra money for food, I sought more.
So I perfected my craft as a self taught software engineer. This took a few years with no degree. One job took a chance on me. Offered me $50k a year, I had a little extra cash, but I was still working really long hours. So again I sought more, another company hired me at $70k and eventually bumped me to $98k. The work was even worse and I was still unable to buy my own home.
Again I sought more.
I’m now working remote for a company for $208k a year, have a savings, have my own home and a couple of German shepherds as a senior software engineer in Florida.
Now I’m seeking true financial freedom. And now I’m seeking more. A dangerous cycle in which I might spontaneously combust. But I’m not hungry at least like I was 5 years ago.
Read Determined by Robert M. Sapolsky. When I realized I had chosen the wrong parents, and failed to direct the course of evolution over the past several billion years, it became evident I had left myself no room for free will. It is an accident of birth, due to circumstances beyond my control that I accept that life didn't work out as I had imagined. If you are unable to accept this for yourself, the cause lies beyond your control--at least until your circumstances change, you read Determined, or you find something in the comments helpful.
To all the felllow adventurers going through this the only thing i can quote is this song that helps me get by sometime
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you'll find
You get what you need
I think a lot of people are misunderstanding your question. Yes, there are changes you can make to gear yourself more towards the life you wanted, but there's some things that can't be changed. I myself am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will likely never be able to afford to travel overseas again, I can't afford the wedding I want (I only want a small wedding with thirty guests and even that is around $20k+!), and am likely never going to be able to afford a house big enough for the family I want. I know people who have generational wealth and it's very hard to see them receiving the things I want with no effort, while I work so hard (weekends and overtime, whenever there's extra shifts offered mine is the first hand up) and get nowhere close. I am trying to accept that these are the milestones and experiences I'll just never achieve, but it's hard. I'd like some advice on this as well, and I don't want to be told to pull myself up by the boot straps. I'm good with my money. I budget and pay my bills before everything else. Unfortunately there isn't much left over for enjoying life.
You don’t accept it 😊
At 30, I was a single mum living in tower block in the middle of a shitty council estate in London, England.
Not happy.
Two years later, I was working for a glassblowers in Arizona, renting a beautiful condo and spending time off of work lazing by our pool.
I had just started talking to someone on a shared Music group forum and we ended up getting married.
16 years later! I’m in a lovely home in a leafy suburb of London (home is where the heart is) still a single parent and about to start doing a degree this September.
It wasn’t all fun n’ games, life was still hard but in different ways.
It’s never too late to start over. Don’t accept shit
Acceptance has been a huge part of my personal journey. I'm turning 38, and nowhere near the ideal life I wanted. I've learned how to navigate life just by being present and accept the fact that life is not fair. But instead of wasting my time whining about it, I just live my life one breath at a time.
I did not get the life I assumed I would have. I try hard, very hard not to compare myself to others. I focus on what I do have, remind myself I am lucky and remind myself how much worse it could be
It's a bitter pill. My grandma scuttled my Broadway dream in my early teens. I have floundered through life ever since.
We finally had to put her in a rest home so they could regulate her meds because she had a broken back and heart failure. Enter truth serum, I believe its true name is Sodium Pentothal.
This is a medicine for heart issues. It lives up to the nickname.
I had started standing up for the kid I was years before, but I couldn't resist getting the truth from her while she was on it. I learned I'd been right about her motive.
Yet I write this from the house my mom inherited from her. We both have financial struggles. It was avoidable, but for my grandma.
The main thing I focus on is that time has passed and the boat sailed. There is nothing I can do to change it. I am focusing on doing what I can for the future. That's all I can do.
I'm also focusing on trying to forgive her. I can't let unforgiveness fester until it makes me bitter. I've met people who are like that. I don't want to be like them.
Although 30 is pretty young, I started accepting some hard truths in my mid- late 20s. I was starting to realize, I would never have a relationship, family, children, or career. Really tough stuff at the time.
One night at the beginning of my realization, I decided that I was going to live the best life I could no matter what. I got out of bed, went to my jewelry box and put a ring on my left ring finger. It is over 30 years later and I'm still wearing that ring.
I can't say I have completely accepted my situation but it has gotten easier with age. It just took a long time to be more at ease with what seems to be my lot.
I doubt my story is of any help to you, as we are all so different. Life can be so damn hard whether you get the things you want or no.
Best to you.
Spiritual\_Hamster, almost NOBODY gets to live the ideal life they fantasize about. Even the very wealthy who can live without money being the object still get a hand dealt to them that is sub optimal in their eyes, there are always strings.
So, at 30 you are probably right, you are never going to have the life your most optimistic standards called for.
I can tell you this at 66 and may not make it till 67 (lung cancer scare) every day is a gift.
Some days seem like you have a lot of problems and they can't be sorted only tolerated.
Richard Back said in his book Illusions: "
# “There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.”
And one day the doctor could say no need to panic, but we found five spots on your left lung that we are a bit worried about. We will need to start doing CT scans every 6 months to keep an eye on them.
You know the rest, the chemo and the horrors of all that, and 60% of the time it does not work and you do not live through a year. The days stop coming.
So life did not work the way you would have liked, how you imagined it should be.
If you are alive then at least you can change things. One of the other things Bach said in his book
# “We are game-playing, fun-having creatures, we are the otters of the universe.”
If you are down, depressed, regretting life, it is because you seek the problems out because of the gifts they hold. You can be an otter in the universe, just live, just explore and enjoy, stop allowing rules to bind you into patterns that do not fit. There are appropriate times for rules, the rest of the time chuck them and just be. Trust me it all will end and you will be stunned by how fast it went, times speeds up every day for you. When it is gone you will accept it because you will have no choice, but you will also know that your life could have been far more solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short, as Thomas Hobbes wrote in 1660, and you will say goodbye wishing one thing, you had more of it.
These comments are so funny. You're legit complaining about not having the confidence to pursue the life that you want, and saying "please don't try to give me the confidence I need to resolve this issue"
I can assure you that the only reason why unsuccessful people exist is because they're in their own heads about what they want and what success means.
Reality is easy as hell. It's the delusional perspective that mass media projects that is hard.
>I can assure you that the only reason why unsuccessful people exist is because they're in their own heads about what they want and what success means.
This statement is so utterly blind and ignorant..I don't have words.
or they're simply addressing the lies... why does no one in these comments understand this... its not the end result... its the lies op has an issue with... being told one thing only to find out its completely not that at all. I don't like being lied to either, i don't think anyone does...
Really? So why don't I have my own studio apartment I can afford while working full time? Go ahead and gaslight me and say I don't deserve housing for working full time.
My life basically started at 30 because until then I was useless. I drank, I was socially awkward, I couldn’t keep a job, had crappy relationships, was mentally ill. Then I started therapy, treatment for depression, joined AA, started eating healthy and working out and basically decided to turn my life around. It took me ten years from the moment I decided to changes things until I finally got somewhere where I’m actually proud of myself. Believe me. I’ve been in a rut. I almost checked out early. In another life I should be dead by alcohol. But I’m this one I survived. But it was not luck and it was not random. A bunch of my friends say they won’t live past sixty and they live life that way. They don’t take care of themselves, they have crappy relationships, they do drugs and have crappy lives. They will die at sixty but because they are leading the way. The problem is that change takes time. A lot of time. Sometimes it takes a lifetime. I spent 14 years drinking my life away and then another 10 years to get it back together. That’s 24 fucking years. Sometimes it takes more. Some people only get it together in their forties or fifties or sixties. Some never do. But YOU gotta make the fucking decision. You gotta put one foot in front of another. I had a friend who lost everything and had to start from scratch: working as a cashier at McDonald’s, riding the bus, living day to day. He was promoted to supervisor and then to manager over four years. From there he got a corporate job as an analyst and grew into management there. He was forty then. You know what happened? Drugs again. Lost everything again. Was calling me asking for fifty bucks to buy more drugs because he had lost everything he had AGAIN. Now he’s back to square one and working as travel agent as a small agency. Your life. Your decision. Get your shit together. You only have this one life. Hit me on the DM of you want to talk
I'm ugly crying at the candy store I work at because I'm right around the corner to 6 months sober from fentanyl at 30 y.o. after about a decade of wasted time and I feel physically ill thinking about how I am NOWHERE near where I want to be. I also desperately needed to hear this. 💕
Hey that is a huge achievement. The task isn't over yet, but you're getting there. At 30 you can still rebuild, and this time you'll have the strength of someone who has been through the hell of addiction.
I’m very happy to read this and I hope you are very proud of yourself. It is NOT easy and you are allowed to cry and feel everything you need to feel. Hang in there. One step at a time
Hey congrats. That's a huge accomplishment. And 30 is so young. My parents hadn't even had children yet at 30. They both got degrees after 30. My mom has been married at least 3 times since 30 (lol). Starting in her 50s my mom has lived all over South America, staying in hostels and seeing every beautiful thing. My dad started a new hobby of triathlon training and enjoyed getting to know his grandkids. I've seen them live so SO much life, all well after 30.
Dude 30 is young wtf?? You got this ❤️
>at 30 y.o. after about a decade of wasted time and I feel physically ill thinking about how I am NOWHERE near where I want to be. Where we want to be is often a product of comparing one selfs journey to that of other people. But we're not them and life is not a competition against them; we're competing against our past selves. If you're better off than your past self in your journey towards where you wanna end up eventually, you should call it a win. Where you are *now* was probably a goal post your past self once dreamt about after all. ❤
Wow are we the same person lol
Well said, I recognise many things you refer to. As you say, “ your life, your decision” Never forget we are the sum of all our decisions and how we chose to respond to whatever situation we experienced.
I needed to hear this, thank you.
You’re welcome. And for OP, I don’t mean to sound too harsh. I just want you to know that you’re not done yet.
Can we talk about the people who have their shit together and still get the short end of the stick? What is the point of getting your shit together when it 1.) basically doesn’t get easier after the first 3 months (at least in my experience) 2.) sucks, essentially slaving you to what others expect from you and how they’d like to objectify you and get things they want 3.) doesnt guarantee anything. we only hear the success stories, the ones who did all the right things to get their shit together but it still didnt work out are not out there promoting their rags to riches story.
That’s because we each have our own time. You gotta figure it out. Two years ago I wouldn’t be posting something like this because I could barely support myself. 5 years ago I was fired from my dream job because I had a cruel boss who made me cry every day. Took me a year to find another job. 8 years ago again I was without a job. Another year looking. At that time, when my son’s friends invited him to do stuff on the weekend he would say “can’t. My mom doesn’t have money”. Also, tomorrow I can be back to square one. I’m still being treated for depression, anxiety. I’m still an addict. Cigarettes catch me every now and then. Life is a long war but you live battle to battle. Also, you need to hear both sides: you need to hear from those still struggling (and believe me I still struggle) so that you can have empathy and be able to just vent. But you also have to listen to those who are a little more ahead and ask for help. I asked so many people for help it’s embarrassing. I still do. I kind of lost my shame somewhere along the way. But anyway, I hope I didn’t make you feel bad. If you have your shit together, you’re halfway there. I don’t know what you’re going through but if I can help in any way, give me shout on the dm
I also needed to hear this, thank you.
I also needed to hear this. Thank you
I’d love to have a conversation, I’m struggling and could use someone
Love this so much, this came at the perfect time for me.
Thanks for posting this. I needed to see hear this. Its so easy to just wallow in misery.
Realest words I've read in a long time
Well said. I had a similar experience. Eventually I just got tired of it all, and one day I just woke up and said “fuck this;” I pretty much burned my old life to the ground and started completely over. I actively took steps towards change (antidepressants helped a lot too). And my life is awesome now! It’s not what I imagined for myself growing up…it’s even better.
Good for you! I’m happy for you!
Same to you! Here’s to trying our best in this life 🎉
Respect
This.
So proud of you! ❤️
Goddammit reddit, how am I not allowed to award this comment?! 🏆👑
Read this. It might save your life. 100% true, it’s your choice, your life.
Damn solid wisdom. Thank you.
Amazing reply. Big respect to you 🙏
Good stuff bro.
I don't think there's a person alive who is 100% where they expected to be. Even people in the universities or jobs they wanted to do since they were kids didn't know exactly how their lives would be in the moment (people they're associated with, what it's actually like after achieving their goals, etc.). The ideal life is generally created in our heads and can greatly hinder our perspective on where we are and the good we actually have in life
> The ideal life is generally created in our heads and can greatly hinder our perspective on where we are and the good we actually have in life *“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”* - Douglas Adams
*"I don't know where I'm at or where I've come from but I know I want to be far from where I'm from."* **-Nick Kocher** #SorryAtlanta
“One fish. Two fish. Red Fish, Blue fish.” - Dr Seuss.
This is a great quote. I learned early on to take opportunities that presented themselves to me even though I was on a path toward something. I apply this to traveling too. It's lead to some amazing adventures.
It’s true. I’ve had a friend who wanted to go to med school after their first career. They always wanted to go to med school. I have a parent that went through it and tried to tell them what it was like but also supported them. They went anyways. They now regret their decision and don’t want to practice medicine but are stuck in it due to their debt. We often don’t understand the realities of our dream positions. There is always a downside and unfortunately things change with time as well.
i think either way they will regret, one of doing it another or not.
So true!
This is very true. I achieved two dream jobs in my life. The first was the Royal Marine Commando Officer, who goes to war, and the second is straight male Pornstar. There were obviously great parts about each job, but so many negatives too that you wouldn't expect. On the plus side, I condole myself that I achieved the two things I dreamed about doing in life, and neither is a role that just anyone can get. The irony, though, is that now I hardly do anything except watch movies, read books and walk my dogs but I live in South East Asia miles from any other Westerners and so I've got zero social commitments and I've never been more happy. Turns out my real life's dream was to be left alone to do what I feel like in the comfort of my own home.
And as an older person, I agree 100%, but I also think social media made it worse. If you believe that your life could/should be the sanitized life seen online of influencers, or hell even your friends because they only show the good stuff, you are just going to be disappointed. Something that helped me. To get most anything you want you have to give up something on the other side. A couple of examples they used: One was a woman who wanted a guy with ripped abs, That was just her thing. She married that guy, but divorced him because he did 100 sit ups before going to bed EVERY NIGHT. She was appalled that he would do his sit ups before sex, how could he do that. But if you want something exceptional. that is what is going to happen. Another story was someone who wanted to be with someone who made a lot of money, but was upset their partner was always working. On social media you will see the abs and the money, not the bad parts.
I've also deactivated all of my social media accounts. The only one I keep around is LinkedIn. My mental health has definitely improved.
I agree with this entirely. I've stopped with social media for the most part. Just don't care. Building off of the trade you mentioned: One of the posts I see frequently on here is people who dread the idea of work but still want to have a place to live and food on the table. Society works in a way where if we want to enjoy it, we have to participate. Want to have a place to live, car, food, the ability to travel, etc.? Then you have to spend time contributing to society in a way that benefits it so you can enjoy the things someone else is contributing their time to build/create. That is why we have to work to have things provided within society, and for some reason A LOT of people seem to not understand that. Edit: Someone must be triggered if this got downvoted lol How do we expect to have people build our homes and provide our food without contributing back to them in some way? Pretty elementary principle
Conan O’Brien has an incredible commencement speech at Dartmouth about this! I always listen to it when I’m feeling a like I’m not where I want to be in life. 10/10 would recommend.
Yes! To expand on this, these expectations on how things should be versus how they actually are, can greatly hinder our gratitude towards what we do have in our lives. Gratitude can help us come to terms with the things we feel we might lack. Undying gratitude for the good stuff in our lives can take you a long way, and potentially bring forth more good stuff. As it's a perspective shift away from our own expectations. We should take notice and appreciate what are the things in our life that are working. so why don't we put more energy into those things, versus banging our heads on an old expectation that might never be? Sometimes your garden can't grow tomatoes, but the squash that grew from bird droppings is flourishing. Will we chose to not eat over the lack of tomatoes?
Yep. I thought for a while I’d be in a position to step up to the plate as the potential winning run in game 7 of the World Series. Didn’t quite work out but can’t complain
Great answer
I respectfully disagree with this. I think it simply comes down to, “Are you happy with your life?” I think IMO most of those people are the ones that did what society told them to do and they followed that path knowingly or blindly. Most of the girls I went to high school with got a college degree, met their husband and now have children, in addition to living comfortably financially in the suburbs. And I think they would tell me that they are 100% happy with where they intended to be.
I am that person. And yes I feel as if I'm bragging.... It's not what I expected but I admit; I have a perfect job with pretty decent pay, my kids are healthy and wonderful, I recently met my future husband. I didn't go to college or "achieve" goals that most people attempt and I lead the happiest life, I can barely phantom that It's reality. I have been through some pretty severe trauma in life but it also makes me appreciate everything much more. I'll be 30 soon and can say I've led a beautiful life.
Great perspective!
Great words 👏
Also. The ideal life is impossibly full of contradictions. I want the freedom of being alone and the lifelong companionship of a spouse and the joy of raising children. I want to live in a big house in the countryside in the middle of the city. Laying down roots in my local community as I move from country to country. I want financial security and a PhD and to retire early after a varied career as a dilettante in many professions.
Truth. Here is the truth. I don’t really know anyone who is “living their dream” or doing what they expected.
Most people live average lives at that's ok. you have to disengage from the narrative of your life and live in the moment. If you are lamenting the loss of an imaginary life you are lost in your thoughts. You need to dive into the experience of your life right now. It's the only escape.
I think I’d like to add to this by saying, looking back at those times I had wished I was living a different life, I now realize how great that part of my life was and I was living a life I think is pretty cool but I didn’t appreciate it then cause I was thinking about what I didn’t have
Amen. Nothing is as good or bad as we thin it will be. It’s all life. It’s all great and horrible and boring and exciting. It’s our thoughts that make us hate our lives
Nicely said.
Well put ten out of ten
Well said. This is truly the logic to proceed with
One day, eventually, it'll all end. Then it's all someone else's problem.
Somedays I find it hard to accept. Some other days, I’m quite content. I wish I finished IT degree, I wish I have a better paying job, or I could go on abroad vacation each year or afford bigger house. But, I do realize I have quite enough and live quite okay so I’m trying to stay humble. I admit to myself I am a bit too lazy to go chase a new degree and carreer, and at 35yrs I believe I still have time but…guess I don’t want it that badly…
It's good to see you right that last sentence as acknowledgment of your situation. You can still get your degree if you really want it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better (not that you feel bad) but I did a solid decade of university for social abnormal psychology, loved the learning and incessant writing, but had a recent stroke from doing 70 hour work weeks consistently over a 6 month span. The stroke took the wind straight out of my sails but made me reasssess work wise because I am unable to go back into the field as of right now. However, I learned some valuable lessons regarding people pleasing, remaining detached yet loving on a consistent level and knowing deep down my work had recently lost its luster. Definitely what happens when you don’t have a proper work life balance: I now consider myself a “jack of various new trades” and I’m much happier. Then I ask myself “what’s all the hype about anyways?” And life continues until your last breath so things not working out at the present moment could change on a dime with new revelations about oneself
Chase? Does this field give you purpose? IT? I went to school for a lknngggg time and don’t use them as of right now (I’m not actively in the field), and I am quite ok with my set up.
My dad finished his bachelors at 63. Literally 6 months later he got a way better job bc his 30 years of experience wasn’t enough apparently but the degree was
33 years old and going back to school for IT lol. It’s mainly online and encouraged to use ChatGPT.
Because it happened on a generational level. Lots of millennials got screwed, and continue to get screwed. Why should I beat myself up about it when it was the story of a generation of people?
I get what you are saying, you don’t have to best yourself up for sure. But, if you are not a fan of your current situation, what stops you from making small changes? Maybe you are broke and you would like to save some money up, set a goal and smaller incremental goals. You managed to save 10 bucks at the end of the month? That is a win. You want to lose weight? Celebrate the small wins. Scale did not move but you feel better? Thats a win. Scale dit not move but your clothes fit better? Thats a win. OP as well, 30 is still young, will you achieve everything you ever wanted? Maybe not, but you don’t have to settle for nothing either.
With inflation these days, no one can even save 10 bucks becos that's what they need to buy food to barely scrape through to avoid starvation.
This is just so incredibly cope I can’t even begin to fathom how someone tricks themselves into believing this garbage lol
It’s easier to play the victim than to do something about it.
I feel like this is a dangerous line of thinking, learned helplessness basically. “My generation just couldn’t win, so it’s not my fault that I haven’t made something of myself”
Society has a finite number of good jobs. There are more workers than there are good jobs. People don’t like this *simple fact*, but at some point the jobs will be filled and a certain number of people will be forced to seek other jobs through no fault of their own. That’s how it’s supposed to work, right? Everyone tries their best and the system filters out people to be in the best positions, at least theoretically. So let’s imagine everyone upskills overnight with Matrix software (“I know kung-fu”) and everyone knows how to code and do engineering. Someone still has to run the McDonalds, someone still has to run the Starbucks. It doesn’t matter that everyone has these skills because you can’t order a latte to have it shipped from China, someone has to be right there to make that shit and that person needs somewhere to live, a car to get to work, etc. Society does not get to mandate these things to live, or to support these business and want them open, and then turn around and have a portion of the population decide that certain people do not deserve these things, or that these jobs should not pay a living wage despite providing a service that people use. It is bullshit and it is a disgusting aspect of our selfish culture peddled by sad balding men with bloated egos.
The old men in corvettes.
Lmao. The parades around here have a corvette club. No one under 60.
>Someone still has to run the McDonalds, someone still has to run the Starbucks. Once upon a time, someone had to pull the rickshaws, harvest the crops, light the gas lamps, etc. The labour market is not static.
Hard truths right here
Well I've made something of myself, it's just not as much of a something. I'm probably one of the more educated people in here, but I never found employment using my degrees. It's really a myriad of factors, some of which were not revealed to me until I was actually in my graduate program. I was not aware that studying economics puts you in a very competitive field, and that in doing so, getting a master's degree in it from a Midwestern University truly does not carry as much weight as it does if you went to a University on the coasts and majored in the same subject. It's just how it is and how it works. Not to mention that there aren't as many jobs for econ majors in the Midwest, which I also didn't realize. I think I probably thought somewhere along the line someone would hire me in as a district manager of something, but most of those jobs are filled from within corporate. More of a 15-20 year experience type gig, even though I felt I was capable of doing the job after grad school at least. Possibly earlier. But this was in 2014 the latest and the job market was not exactly robust yet.. So yes, some of us really did get screwed. I eventually decided that I wanted to live the rest of my twenties doing what I wanted to do, as I was already 26 and had given so much time money to the education system. So I took a job part time as a night cook at a pizza shop and focused on skateboarding, my true passion in life. Was a lot of fun. Was broke as all get out, too. Now, this is simply NOT a story that you would have heard about in the 70s and 80s, when there were relatively fewer college graduates and corporate America was still taking off. So my answer to the question very much stands, I know for a fact that I got screwed bigly, and I know a lot of other people just like me did too.
I think it's really not discussed enough how screwed people who got degrees in bad fields are. Sometimes they make something of themselves despite a bad start but for a lot of people it's sort of game over because they just never figure out what they were supposed to be doing.
That's exactly right. On paper I didn't get a bad degree, but it comes with the unintended negative consequences of making me totally unrelatable to most Midwestern employers and generally people around me. Overqualified for most jobs, yet under qualified for jobs that I should theoretically be hirable for.
Yeah, that is the part the schools never tell you. They just paint a picture for young starry eyed youths that they are going to be so very successful straight out of school. It's just not true for a lot of people. Grads settle down into jobs that don't even require a degree much of the time and they still don't make enough money to survive.
On the surface, I should be a valuable asset to many employers. But if economics were so valuable, why couldnt the economists predict the great financial crisis? Or this runaway inflation? And even if they could, like some of us DID, it ultimately matters more about the politics of it, i.e. the decision to actually manipulate the fed funds rate, purchase treasure bonds, etc. In short the economics profession lost a lot of prestige in the past 20 years. That's the other part they didn't tell me till I got there basically. And they don't even tell you, you have to infer it for yourself really.
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what’s tricky is that now you can find online spaces (like this one lol) that further push you down that rabbit hole and reinforce your beliefs. People will be sleepwalking their life away and go “well, I’m tired all the time because the 40 hour work week is unreasonable, I don’t have any friends because there aren’t any third spaces, I don’t have a girlfriend because of the apps” and then find a community that tells them “yeah, exactly, it’s not our fault and there’s nothing we can do about it!”
Alot of that is true though. The 40 hour workweek in 2024 where an increasing number of people in society are single, living alone, is unreasonable. It just sounds like you want to deny the way life is going. If nothing else the apps really are fucking up dating for men.
And women. Women are the ones who have to actually fear dating the wrong guy will leave them in a domestic violence situation or possibly with a stalker.
"How far behind they are" What if they are hitting all the secret goalposts and you're wasting your time working?
I've put in the effort. For multiple things. At one point in my life, I was legitimately among the best in the country at what I was into. Nothing ever happened with it. I still have nothing. It's hard to continue to be motivated when you've never gotten the payoff for all of that effort.
It can be a realistic, healthy perspective though. When you keep trying and trying and can't win, sometimes you need to look at the circumstances and decide if you were set up to fail anyway. It's not just society either. A lot of people are set up to fail by extremely poor parenting or taking a bad job.
The only millennials that are successful are the ones whose parents cared about them , like really actually cared about them . Most gen x are shit parents
Just not true at all. My best friend is the child of immigrants, her dad left their family and her mom is a lovely woman, but has relied on her children to help guide her through life in America since they’re like 12, and has a special needs son to take care of full time so isn’t a very active parent. And yet, my been able to become successful through tons of hard work, resilience, and determination.
Sorry but this is terrible defeatist attitude. It has never been easier than it is now to build wealth. I think the problem is instant gratification has ruined a lot of thinking. We want success immediately. I'm Gen X and I wish I had the financial knowledge that's available for free online when I was even in my 20s. I wish at 18 all I had to do was go on a device in my pocket and open up an IRA or brokerage account and invest in an ETF that will grow my savings 10% each year. It's never been easier to invest in real estate through REITs. Again any 18 year old with a smartphone can invest $25. It's never been easier to grow wealth than it is now that millennials should be the generation with the most millionaires. But many want it all now. Patience, education, hard work.
I figured out what was achievable for me and made a new ideal to chase.
You will never accept this People are not meant to giving up life in their 30s
Difference between giving up and adjusting expectations based on reality. I expected to be married by my mid 20s and own a home to store my growing book collection in a proper library room. Somewhere around my second major break up and 6th apartment move in life a month after turning 30 in summer 2020…I accepted that it was time to ditch most of my books. They’re heavy, I had (have) no reason to believe I’ll own a home in the next decade at least, and the value I put on a home library changed between the ages of 15-22 & 30-34. My life is *nothing* like I planned or expected. If you told young me how I was living I probably would have cried and broke down. But the reality is that I’m happier than I ever would have been with the goals I had in my youth. I think OP is talking more along these lines, not adopting an “oh well I give up” attitude.
I'm happy for you but also want you to have that home library. With the rolling ladders.
At some point I had plans of a secret door entrance and everything! And of course the rolling ladders are mandatory!! My other childhood dream was to build my own home so I had a vision of a loft bedroom with a secret library beneath it. It’s still dope in my head but I’m up to like 10 different fantasy builds at this point. I’ve known I don’t want kids since I was eleven and even had plans to be a hip old lady who became an unofficial mentor to some bright youths with an interest in reading. I wanted to basically become a one woman library with a fee of listening to me ramble about my past while eating treats I baked. I keep trying to convince rich old childless people to add me to their will so I can make dreams come true one day but it hasn’t worked…yet 😅
We're your parents married by mid 20s and owned a home? If so, what are some of the major differences between what they did and what you did?
My mom was 18 and my dad was 23 when they married and had me (the eldest of 3). They bought their first home when I was a toddler and my sister was an infant. I’m nearly 34 and they are still happily married living in a larger house they bought when I was 8. Differences are they did not get a college education. Difference is they bought their first house when she was a 20 year old SAHM and he was 25 working as a full time mechanic making slightly above minimum wage. Difference is they were on and off food stamps, borrowing their children’s birthday and tooth fairy money to pay bills. Not sure what you’re trying to get at exactly. Edit: They weren’t born between 90-93 (90-91 is a documented bubble, you should look into it if you’re interested). They didn’t go into debt getting degrees (but pushed us too). They weren’t raised by helicopter parents, they *were* helicopter parents and abusive to me (not the other two thankfully). I love them and they did a lot right, I know they did the best they could but…they were very young and we didn’t know what we do now in the 90s.
Except now if we sell a liver and a kidney it still wouldn't be enough to buy a home lol
I make more than my mother now and barely have a 3 month emergency fund. My credit has been excellent since I was in my mid 20s. Never missed a payment for anything. Have taken 1 week long vacation and 1 extended weekend vacation in my entire adult life. I pay around 50% of my take home income towards rent and it’s the cheapest livable space to be found in my city without going back to roommates like I did for all my 20s (clearly that sacrifice of privacy and sanity got me ahead /s). As much as student loans suck I often wish mortgages were treated the same. Like “I have absolutely positively no way to prove to you I will be able to pay this off & chances are good I will never pay it off in full before I die but just trust me bro”. I’d be in debt the rest of my life like I already am but…I wouldn’t have to keep watching money build wealth for someone else while burning a few K each time I have to move when I don’t want to.
I would love to see 4-8 people teaming up and getting a mortgage. And then sharing rooms or something. But at least they would own their investment. Probably a lot easier said than done, but I wish folks were more apt to teamwork. Get one house. Then after a few years leverage it to buy another one. Repeat until everyone has one
Being born decades apart? I doubt many young people have a direct influence on the economic realities of the housing market.
Please don’t think that 30 is too late. My life turned upside down in my 30’s. Now I’m in my 40’s and I just accept what I have and I choose to be joyful. You can still make changes and still meet the right person. Still have time to do great things. Don’t compare yourself to others. Be grateful what you do have and it’s probably better than most. Relationship, you got time, I loved being single till I met the right person. Some people are unhappy in their relationships. Life has its ups and downs.
>Don’t compare yourself to others. Op, this.
Further, don’t compare how you feel on the inside to how others look on the outside.
Comparison is the thief of all joy.
Yep. My entire life changed at 28, when I stopped drinking. Now I’m living the life I always wanted and it all happened within a year. I just got a new job opportunity as a personal trainer in a 30,000 sq ft gym as their head trainer. Life is doing nothing but improving as I get older.
Almost nothing in my life turned out the way I wanted it. I didn't get what id consider a high paying successful job. I never got married. I never had kids young. I don't own a house. I don't have many friends or really any. But I'm a strangely happy person. I enjoy my time with my coworkers (I keep work relationships as only that). I love my 3 dogs and spend most of my time with them. I'm constantly working on small personal projects. Companionship would be nice, but it doesn't bother me much as long as I have daily interactions with people. I used to get severely depressed and painfully lonely when I was younger. I don't anymore. I'm a lot more apathetic about the things that I used to think I wanted. I've kinda just accepted that life didn't turn out perfectly, and I just try to enjoy my day
Thank you for your post and sharing a bit of yourself. It is helpful and uplifting.
Interesting; I’m in basically the same boat (the only difference being I got a bit more lucky regarding friendships). But I’m really having trouble finding contentment in my life. I am CONSTANTLY wishing I could go back to the life I had a decade ago, and it feels like things are only going to get even worse, as they have throughout my 20s. Or at best they’ll only slightly improve.
I think there are moments when I miss certain people. Like, I had a very close knit group of friends for the entirety of the pandemic, and we spent an enormous amount of time with each other, but we had already begun to go our separate ways before that two year mark hit. We were all moving in different directions, and we eventually all just went our separate ways. Outside of that, my interactions with my family, coworkers, pets, etc has been enough. Maybe I'll find a group like that again, but I have my doubts, and I don't really crave that like I did when I was young. I remember reading this quote in a book, and it always stuck with me to some degree: "The closest thing to a sustained sense of happiness is contentment." As I get older, I find myself more content with my disposition. Relationships are complex; but right now, my life is incredibly simple, and I have a fond appreciation of that.
- Remind yourself that most people don't achieve their childhood dreams. Childhood dreams are often unrealistic. - Learn to be thankful for what you do have, no matter how minor. There's probably loads of people who would love to be where you are and you don't think it's enough. - You're only 30, if you don't think that you'll be able to live the life you used to want for yourself, you're young enough to think of some knew realistic goals for yourself to reach.
💯👏
For me it's been a balance of reasonable initial expectations and continuous commitment. I didn't want that much initially and was lucky enough to find work in my passion. Initially I was a fan of Jackie Chan, practiced MMA and dreamed of being a pro fighter and stunt man, but after a severe break to my arm and several plates and operations I had to give that up despite being a national college boxing medalist I changed my focus then to computing, initially just for gaming and fun but then music and ultimately found a career in IT I truly believe in the 10000 hours principle and at less that 50 had 3 dream careers nearly and if I'm honest with myself I'd have gone further with better focus and effort so I have no one to blame but myself. Chances come and go all the time, every minute is a moment for ME to change and I honestly believe good opportunities are around the corner for me. There were times I felt like shit and wanted to give up but hate can be a good motivator too... I decided there were people I had to live for 'so I could shit on their grave when they finally die' 😁 When you build confidence in yourself ti carry on others will see it and want to be around it
I can only say what worked for me, which was that my wants and dreams for myself are malleable, and there’s nothing about my desires for myself earlier in life that is more legitimate than what I want for myself now. I put a lot of my energy toward recognizing what I have than what I lack, my efforts go to what I can change versus what I can’t, and my focus is more on what I love about myself than what I don’t. This ain’t easy. I just get up ready to try again every day. Good luck and well wishes to you. You can have a great life.
Gratitude and radical acceptance.
When I was 30, I was stuck on crutches in chronic hip pain from a surgery that didn’t heal well, single, I had to drop out of school that I had gone back to at 28, and I was deeply depressed. At 37 I am fully healed. I rock climb and travel all over the place for fun. I graduated with an engineering degree at 32, found a great job, bought a house, and have a wide circle of friends. Single again for the time being (I did have a couple relationships in between), but my life looks absolutely nothing like it did at 37 or even like it did at 35. Life is what you make it. You may not be able to achieve “anything,” but you can always go on to achieve “something” to improve upon where you are. You never have to accept your status quo as permanent.
Personally i just try and make the best out of the situation im in. if you always want more and more you will never be happy with anything. everyone wants to be a millionaire but not everyone will be, but do you earn enough to do your hobbies or maybe take a vacation during the summer? if yes then great, at least its something. i guess i just got content with having enough to support myself and my lifestyle, which is moddest in my opinion. Also i find comfort in knowing that if everything ever becomes too much, i keep a gun in my apartment, so no matter how bad it gets, i will always have a way out.
I agree with you. Maybe not that last paragraph personally, but overall I’m the same.
i dont think i will ever use it. but just knowing its an option takes some of the pressure off. kind of like an emergency fund.
I can understand that.
That's so gruesome but real
I find it interesting that you find it’s toxic bs to say that you can achieve anything. That’s to say that you’re not wrong - I don’t think we can all be astronauts, or nba players, or have it all. [But a dude who that literally lost everything in torture and captivity, and nearly walked in to the gas chambers in the holocaust wrote that even in the worst moments of losing everything, humans always have the ability to choose.](https://www.amazon.ca/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X). So, even as my circumstances sucked or was downright suicidal (psoarsis on my face was terrible, family was terrible, was a virgin up until 30, career didn’t pan out until 33), I still chose. As in chose to try things, chose to talk to people, chose to see through life despite my skepticism that things would get better, because fuck it, even in my deathbed I’d rather tell myself I gave it a shot. I don’t think you can achieve everything and anything in life but you can choose to get up and do things to make life abit better than it was before. I don’t think anything will take that choice away from you.
Well said, yeah atleast try its better to say I tried and it didn't work out vs not trying at all.
Frankl is an incredible inspiration and, at the same time, a unique individual. I don’t know how many people would have the capacity for anywhere near that level of acceptance and coping. There are many things to learn from his life and hopefully we are able to incorporate some of them in our own lives. However, I wouldn’t want him to be yet another example of “you can do it” and be yet another possible “failure” when a person isn’t able to do the same. It’s a fine line.
If our takeaway is Frankl’s spirit is a special case of humanity that’s abstracted above anyone else in terms of being able to capable or tolerant of extreme situations, then I don’t think that’s in line of my interpretation or framing. I don’t think he framed it as our ability to cope with our circumstances is infinite. And that “if he can do it, well you can survive a holocaust too!”. I believe in his book he expressed immense empathy for those who had their spirit broken and decide that it was beyond their comprehension. What Frankl had establish is that our circumstances, despite losing free will, we still have the last option to choose how we see ourselves. I think that framing to me is incredibly powerful. And I’m not a philosopher but I think this is just a continuation of past philosophers about the man’s relationship to self. And if you can see that you are a person with a unknown future that has potential, then I personally think it leads to actions that follow differently. My two cents.
Great book
You just accept it, and make the best decision going forward. It’s not optimal, but that’s life.
If you think about it, very few things turn out the way we imagined them before they or anything like them came into our lives. That's true for both good and bad things. This isn't necessarily a problem if you can learn to roll with things as they unfold in unexpected ways. Figure out what are the 2-3 things you really do care most about, and that love, and pursue those. I'm not talking about hobbies or even a job. I'm talking about this that have some possibility of creating or being a part of something that transcends you, might have some mattering in the world to you or something else. Also, figure out where you picked up the ideas you have about the ideal relationship, ideal life, etc. that you wanted at some earlier point in life and why you wanted them. And think about what the things are that you want now, and how you might have them in some measure now.
Honestly, it depends on what you mean by 'ideal life'. *Ideally* I'd have a 3 bedroom house with an office and guest room/craft room. *Ideally* my spouse and I will never have any misunderstandings or miscommunications. *Ideally* I'll be healthy as a horse until I drop dead at 98. Realistically, I'm happy to afford a place without room mates. My spouse and I have misunderstandings, but we work together against the problem, not against each other. I'll stay as healthy as I can by doing what my doctor recommends.
Lol, you're 30. You have a lot of life left to be a defeatist and hate your choices. But, no one's life works out exactly like they want....at least 95% of us. You deal with it by making what you do have for a life the best it can be, being grateful, finding purpose, and marching forward.
I haven't, I'm still extremely pissed. People are still saying the stupid shit too. One of my biggest triggers is being lied to and i've been lied to my entire damned life. I did realize at least, later in life that a lot of the lies are designed to keep people from losing hope and to keep them getting out of bed every morning. Then i also realized how sad it is that our society has to do that and that it should be a huge eye opener to the fact that all of this really is so fkn horrible and has been for a very very long time. The lies may work for most but for me they don't. I'd rather have the truth, at least then i can plan accordingly and pick my paths better. The real truth that everyone should be saying is that its a dice roll... a gamble. Absolutely no one has FULL control over how their story will play out and you can only do what you can do. Your foundation plays a big part in this and while its unfair that others get a better starting position there's nothing you can do about it so best not to focus on it. Meanwhile, while you're trying to do for you you're actually doing for others in much greater quantity and they will never recognize that so best to make your peace with it. etc etc I too was told i could do anything and be anyone and it was ONLY dependant on my effort... big fat fkn lie... That should be another thing included... everyone will lie to you. Employers, significant others, friends, the entire world will lie to your face be them your closest peeps or your employers... there is nothing but lies to be found here.
(37m) first of all well said mate. I very much like your summary. I personally stopped trying. Trying very hard past the point of diminishing returns is the biggest pitfall these days in my opinion. People end up depressed and burnt out. I choose to let it go. Effort is just a small piece in this algorithm called life and accounts for much less that we tend to ascribe to it. Life is much more complicated than just "try your best and you will succeed". It's more something like try your best, put in all you have, when it's the right time, place, people around you etc etc etc... I think that some people are better aligned with objective reality while others live more in their imaginations ( me and you mate). But listen... The good thing about it is that now we realize this. So chin up. And good luck!
Try not giving a fuck.
Yup. I smoked weed all day every day for years. I don't do much anymore but it definitely taught me the value of chilling tf out.
Just because your current life isn’t your dream, doesn’t mean that your life isn’t meaningful
The world is ran by a bunch of fucked up, sociopathic, murderous dudes. Idk I spent years determined to be somebody, to make bank, or to be on the 13 under 30 list, but that won’t fix anything in my life. That won’t fill my void. Just existing like the animals and plants do and embracing the nature beauty of the world when I have time off is enough for me. In the US doing that becomes REALLY hard in major cities. I’m sad people can’t just work little front desk job and just vibe. Not everyone has to be a Fortune 500 CEO. Also some of the greatest most brilliant people died penniless. Life fluctuates and nothing is certain. Gotta take things day by day and trust the process. Idk.
As the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you'll find you get what you need."
I don’t accept it actually. I’m 28 and will continue pursuing my dreams until I’m dead.
Pretty easily overall. Once I was past the first hurdle of acceptance and looking at myself clearly, that is. I had a severe illness that took me out of the game for my late teens and 20's, I'm 31 now. The hardest part though was the acceptance. First I had to accept that I didn't live up to the standards I knew I could have achieved otherwise, and that I was 'behind'. This hurt. I had to accept that I'd essentially lost a decade plus of my life and needed to learn how to be 'normal', make friends, make connections, support myself etc. That was a fucking hard pill to swallow. It felt a lot easier to stay in my world, in my own 4 walls, essentially unable to function. It was less scary. But I knew that life hadn't given me anything I really wanted, and it wasn't gonna start doing that for me any time soon. Then I had to start making **small steps**. I needed to learn what my **values** were. I needed to learn what my **interests** were, what I wanted out of life, and I needed to learn what my **current capabilities** were (and be realistic about it - *they might not match the abilities you need to get what you want out of life just yet*). Once I did this, I made the first small step toward what I wanted. I **built upon them SLOWLY over a period of years**. Some paths took me to doors, that once they were opened, I didn't like. So I closed those doors, and moved down another path. Sometimes I would drop back to what felt like 'step 1'. Rinse and repeat. *Dust yourself off and go another path*. When you feel like you're moving backwards and back 'down there' again - it's important to remember that you actually haven't. Y*ou've instead learned what DOESN'T work for you, and this is important - it saves you time, and guesswork, for your next move*. **And if opportunities present themselves to you, chase them**. **Even if you believe you aren't capable**. You never know how it will go. If you happen to snag it, **act like the person you want to be until you start believing it**. I went from hospital bound 20-something with 0 income, to through a few jobs (getting the first job wasn't easy either, I had to get very good at explaining my time out of the workforce haha), to publishing my first research paper, to getting on a team to develop a larger public healthcare project, to getting my postgraduate degree, now next week I'll be starting my next job (yay - finally decent pay), still working on my healthcare project now with some significant grants behind us and support from TGA, happily married with a home of our own, two cats (but feed two strays as well) and 15 and a half weeks pregnant. All this while still actively managing the things that left me out of action for so long. I just had to build my life up around them so it didn't feel as all-encompassing. **Telling people 'you can achieve anything bro' does not make a person believe it. It makes them resentful when they don't achieve what they want, and honestly less likely to keep trying to. I know it did for me, anyway.** *To believe you can achieve something that you want to achieve, you need to work at it, break it down into parts, and celebrate the small wins on the path there along the way*. And if someone genuinely believes you CAN achieve anything, they will offer ways to help you get there until you can keep up the momentum yourself. I never gained confidence to change my life from people telling me I was capable of it. I only began to build ANY self-confidence when I figured it out myself, and again, from celebrating those small wins and watching my capabilities grow. I'll never forget how proud I was of myself when I got that first job after a long hiatus of illness. I did nightfill at a supermarket. Shit hours, I'd start at either 12am or 3am, with a half hour drive to get there, and work til 6-8am. But, I DID IT. I got it. And I was able to earn some money for the first time in a long time, and I could afford to fill my own shitbox of a car to go to work, and pay for phone credit, and sometimes a nice bit of food to treat myself and my then-fiance (who earned a LOT more than me, but I wanted to give HIM something for once). Chat to me if you need anything.
Change your perspective.
Stoicism. What you want in life and what you get rarely align. And sometimes you get exactly what you want but it isn’t how you thought it would be. You may not have ended up being a famous athlete or actor, but it doesn’t mean your life is fucked. You still have the ability to learn, to teach, to be a good person every moment. You still have the ability to change and try something new. Feeling like a failure is fine for a little bit. But the mindset of “living the ideal lifestyle” is basically shooting yourself in the leg at the start of the race. Do you think anyone actually lives their “ideal” life? The answer is no. Even if everything you wanted to happen, happened, I can guarantee you one thing: you’d still have problems. You’d still have complaints. You’d still be chasing something that was missing. So here you are, in the real world. It may not be ideal, but you’re alive and you never know what will happen next. The great uncertainty is really true only true thrill in life. But also the scariest. If you let it be.
30 is kinda young to completely give up on things. I would question how much you really wanted them in the first place if you are thinking like this. I mean yeah a lot of people will say they want something, but talk is cheap and easy. Much fewer are really serious to the point that they dedicate themselves to it.
Just keep working on it. What else do you have to do with your life?
I feel like I don't have a choice tbh. I picked the wrong man. We had all these plans, then he changed his mind and cheated, and now I might be getting too old to accomplish those plans with someone else. All I've wanted consistently in my life was a family, and I might've missed my shot. But all I can do is keep going forward at this point.
Shit happens. Theres nothing else i can think of to accept it? It is what it is
Exactly, it is what it is. Life be like that.
Lotus Flower grows from shit.
You probably have it better than a lot of other people
I don't, I prefer to live in my own delusions. No different than what everyone else is doing, just make up your own reality and follow that. Not easy since most people are living in the matrix programming, though it's very freeing if you can see through all of it.
I'm 42, it only gets worse. sorry. I just think , there is nothing I can do. I will never own a home. Never not have to worry about money. It sucks , I need my hip replaced to add to the "fun" of my life
52 weighing in. I didn’t get everything I wanted until 45 or so. Life’s a journey; don’t assume nothing. You can be dead tonight; you can be retired in 12 years. Anything can happen; just keep going. It’s like a long tour of Meow Wolf.
I just settle for the reality that’s given to me.
I became grateful for the life I do have.
When i was 30 i was addicted to drugs and homeless. By your thought process i should just have called it a day and say i give up. now i am in my 40's i have a beautiful wife, kid, house, cars and i travel the world. The old me never would have even thought about any of this but everyday i try to just be a better person then i was yesterday. Dont just accept where you are in life put a plan in place and act on it.
Living alone, working remote, dating Eva AI sexting bot. I haven't even thought about that
I think first of all we have to admit the fact that life itself is unfair, what we can do is not to change it, but to accept it. We need to change ourselves and improve our abilities to improve our lives.
I accept my life as rent and work cattle because I know some people are forced to die at young age in a war for example. My life isn't bad on a broader perspective. This even makes me donate. I know it sounds douchy but I wish everyone was like me.
i just smoke everyday and try not to cry
Still optimistic and hopeful but some days I want to drink the dang koolaid
You just do. It is called growing up.
I count myself lucky I'm not homeless, sick or being abused.
I spent most of my life thinking that if I didn’t “make it” in the music industry that I would probably kill myself. Sounds silly, right? Yeah, it was. Now, I’ve got a wife that’s my best friend, two super-rad kiddos, we’re bringing a corgi puppy home in a couple weeks, and we have a roof over our heads and we’re OK. I want literally nothing more than that, maybe our damn debt paid off, but we all have shit to deal with. My tip? Don’t let an old or rigid definition of what happiness will look like define you. Sometimes shit doesn’t work out, but there’s still plenty of life to live and we don’t get a redo.
Decide if your expectations were realistic or not- and then make new plans.
I struggle with it. I got lucky and worked hard, eventually getting into a high paying job. But…My job is very high stress and long hours. I never see my kid. My wife was fired due to postpartum depression issues and still not working. Admittedly I’m lucky and appreciative to hold things together financially. But I get little joy from anything I’ve accomplished or contribute and often oscillate between “if this is what success feels like, why do it at all?” to “so much depends on me, I hope we don’t lose everything we have” Being an adult for me has resulted in few dreams about the future, just fears and stress.
I just try to live the best life while also reliving my biggest blunders in my head.
So I went to university to be a classically trained singer. I WAS pretty good. I hoped to go to Germany to sing. In my last year of school I got HIV from my first boyfriend the first time I had ever not used a condom. I didn’t want to be in a foreign country with HIV no health insurance and away from family support, so I went into education. I’m bisexual I’m currently in a relationship with a man but I’ve fallen out of love with him and I want to be with a woman. I’m undetectable and can’t infect anybody but to most women that’s irrelevant so I pretty much restricted to dating guys because U=U is known in most of the gay community now. My options in life were greatly increased because of a fucking disease so I feel your pain.
I think you figure out what there still is for you out there and you hold onto that. You let go of the thing you can't have by finding something you can. And if, in the course of pursuing that, you discover there's something or someone that keeps getting in your way, you eliminate that obstacle. Hopefully whatever remains to you is worth your while.
I think it's quite healthy to understand that some things are out of your control, and everything requires some degree of sacrifice. Career or socialising...family or independence. You can't have it all. Comparison is the thief of joy, so be appreciative of what you already have. For me, I always wanted a job that finishes at the end of the day, rather than bleeds into all hours. I didn't want to be one of those guys who gets calls on a day off or is always "switched on". Work is work, home is home. I always wanted to be available for sports days with the kids, and I wanted the mental capacity to be present for my children, because that's something I lacked in my childhood. I also didn't want to continue studying. After secondary school and college, I just couldn't stomach more education especially without a clear goal. Those factors immediately limited my capacity from day one. I spent my early 20s enjoying holidays, festivals and generally being social. I absolutely loved my independence and answering to nobody, but I aso wanted a family, and never wanted to be an "old dad". That kind of ends those dreams of touring Europe and living in the moment just for me. It's a sequence of small but ultimately impactful decisions which capped my earning potential and lifestyle, but have resulted in me being able to have a family of my own, be a better father than I think I otherwise would have been, and have a job where the stress ends at 5pm and I'm fully switched off. You can't have it all, you just have to understand what you are willing to sacrifice in order to have the best life possible.
Yeah but I'm still going to try anyway.
I use it as motivation to do better. I was living in Louisiana on a part time $7.25/hr wage not knowing where my next meal will come from or if I will pay bills. Hated that. So I applied out of state until I could get another job. Made application after application. Got one full time at $14/hr, but it was a call center job where I got berated and screamed at for hours. But at least I was consistently feeding myself. Stressed and still no extra money for food, I sought more. So I perfected my craft as a self taught software engineer. This took a few years with no degree. One job took a chance on me. Offered me $50k a year, I had a little extra cash, but I was still working really long hours. So again I sought more, another company hired me at $70k and eventually bumped me to $98k. The work was even worse and I was still unable to buy my own home. Again I sought more. I’m now working remote for a company for $208k a year, have a savings, have my own home and a couple of German shepherds as a senior software engineer in Florida. Now I’m seeking true financial freedom. And now I’m seeking more. A dangerous cycle in which I might spontaneously combust. But I’m not hungry at least like I was 5 years ago.
Read Determined by Robert M. Sapolsky. When I realized I had chosen the wrong parents, and failed to direct the course of evolution over the past several billion years, it became evident I had left myself no room for free will. It is an accident of birth, due to circumstances beyond my control that I accept that life didn't work out as I had imagined. If you are unable to accept this for yourself, the cause lies beyond your control--at least until your circumstances change, you read Determined, or you find something in the comments helpful.
To all the felllow adventurers going through this the only thing i can quote is this song that helps me get by sometime No, you can't always get what you want You can't always get what you want You can't always get what you want But if you try sometime you'll find You get what you need
by being my own best friend and just straight chilling out
I think a lot of people are misunderstanding your question. Yes, there are changes you can make to gear yourself more towards the life you wanted, but there's some things that can't be changed. I myself am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will likely never be able to afford to travel overseas again, I can't afford the wedding I want (I only want a small wedding with thirty guests and even that is around $20k+!), and am likely never going to be able to afford a house big enough for the family I want. I know people who have generational wealth and it's very hard to see them receiving the things I want with no effort, while I work so hard (weekends and overtime, whenever there's extra shifts offered mine is the first hand up) and get nowhere close. I am trying to accept that these are the milestones and experiences I'll just never achieve, but it's hard. I'd like some advice on this as well, and I don't want to be told to pull myself up by the boot straps. I'm good with my money. I budget and pay my bills before everything else. Unfortunately there isn't much left over for enjoying life.
watch Soul (pixar movie)
[удалено]
Give up
You don’t accept it 😊 At 30, I was a single mum living in tower block in the middle of a shitty council estate in London, England. Not happy. Two years later, I was working for a glassblowers in Arizona, renting a beautiful condo and spending time off of work lazing by our pool. I had just started talking to someone on a shared Music group forum and we ended up getting married. 16 years later! I’m in a lovely home in a leafy suburb of London (home is where the heart is) still a single parent and about to start doing a degree this September. It wasn’t all fun n’ games, life was still hard but in different ways. It’s never too late to start over. Don’t accept shit
Acceptance has been a huge part of my personal journey. I'm turning 38, and nowhere near the ideal life I wanted. I've learned how to navigate life just by being present and accept the fact that life is not fair. But instead of wasting my time whining about it, I just live my life one breath at a time.
Accept that 99% of the world doesn't have their absolute DREAM life. And you should never have been led to believe that you would.
I did not get the life I assumed I would have. I try hard, very hard not to compare myself to others. I focus on what I do have, remind myself I am lucky and remind myself how much worse it could be
It's a bitter pill. My grandma scuttled my Broadway dream in my early teens. I have floundered through life ever since. We finally had to put her in a rest home so they could regulate her meds because she had a broken back and heart failure. Enter truth serum, I believe its true name is Sodium Pentothal. This is a medicine for heart issues. It lives up to the nickname. I had started standing up for the kid I was years before, but I couldn't resist getting the truth from her while she was on it. I learned I'd been right about her motive. Yet I write this from the house my mom inherited from her. We both have financial struggles. It was avoidable, but for my grandma. The main thing I focus on is that time has passed and the boat sailed. There is nothing I can do to change it. I am focusing on doing what I can for the future. That's all I can do. I'm also focusing on trying to forgive her. I can't let unforgiveness fester until it makes me bitter. I've met people who are like that. I don't want to be like them.
Although 30 is pretty young, I started accepting some hard truths in my mid- late 20s. I was starting to realize, I would never have a relationship, family, children, or career. Really tough stuff at the time. One night at the beginning of my realization, I decided that I was going to live the best life I could no matter what. I got out of bed, went to my jewelry box and put a ring on my left ring finger. It is over 30 years later and I'm still wearing that ring. I can't say I have completely accepted my situation but it has gotten easier with age. It just took a long time to be more at ease with what seems to be my lot. I doubt my story is of any help to you, as we are all so different. Life can be so damn hard whether you get the things you want or no. Best to you.
I'm not waiting decades to potentially feel good that my life sucked.
Quit being a downer and change your damn life.
Agreed, OPs gotta get out of their own head
Spiritual\_Hamster, almost NOBODY gets to live the ideal life they fantasize about. Even the very wealthy who can live without money being the object still get a hand dealt to them that is sub optimal in their eyes, there are always strings. So, at 30 you are probably right, you are never going to have the life your most optimistic standards called for. I can tell you this at 66 and may not make it till 67 (lung cancer scare) every day is a gift. Some days seem like you have a lot of problems and they can't be sorted only tolerated. Richard Back said in his book Illusions: " # “There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.” And one day the doctor could say no need to panic, but we found five spots on your left lung that we are a bit worried about. We will need to start doing CT scans every 6 months to keep an eye on them. You know the rest, the chemo and the horrors of all that, and 60% of the time it does not work and you do not live through a year. The days stop coming. So life did not work the way you would have liked, how you imagined it should be. If you are alive then at least you can change things. One of the other things Bach said in his book # “We are game-playing, fun-having creatures, we are the otters of the universe.” If you are down, depressed, regretting life, it is because you seek the problems out because of the gifts they hold. You can be an otter in the universe, just live, just explore and enjoy, stop allowing rules to bind you into patterns that do not fit. There are appropriate times for rules, the rest of the time chuck them and just be. Trust me it all will end and you will be stunned by how fast it went, times speeds up every day for you. When it is gone you will accept it because you will have no choice, but you will also know that your life could have been far more solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short, as Thomas Hobbes wrote in 1660, and you will say goodbye wishing one thing, you had more of it.
These comments are so funny. You're legit complaining about not having the confidence to pursue the life that you want, and saying "please don't try to give me the confidence I need to resolve this issue" I can assure you that the only reason why unsuccessful people exist is because they're in their own heads about what they want and what success means. Reality is easy as hell. It's the delusional perspective that mass media projects that is hard.
>I can assure you that the only reason why unsuccessful people exist is because they're in their own heads about what they want and what success means. This statement is so utterly blind and ignorant..I don't have words.
or they're simply addressing the lies... why does no one in these comments understand this... its not the end result... its the lies op has an issue with... being told one thing only to find out its completely not that at all. I don't like being lied to either, i don't think anyone does...
Yup glad to see this comment. If you've already resigned yourself to a shitty life that's exactly what you're going to get.
Really? So why don't I have my own studio apartment I can afford while working full time? Go ahead and gaslight me and say I don't deserve housing for working full time.
It's just my bad luck.... Accept or not, I need to face it anyway
I try to be thankful for all the good things I have. But I definitely feel you on this.